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#been thinking about these songs a lot recently & the story of grief following a loved one's suicide and just. thinking.

everythingisround · 6 months

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info dump about raggedy ann and andy, just recently watched the show and i am in love B))

hello!! ive been in the fandom for two and a half years (almost three lol), so i know a bit about raggedy ann and andy.

so raggedy ann and andy were created in the early 20th century, the former sibling coming first with her patent in september 1915. the most popular legend surrounding her creation is that she was based off an old rag doll that belonged to creator johnny gruelle's mother/sister (can't remember exactly), who he then drew a face on and gave to his beloved daughter, marcella, who sadly would pass away months after ann's patent. marcella's inclusion in the raggedy books has been seen by many raggedy historians as johnny working through his grief by immortalizing his daughter's likeness in his stories to remember her in a positive way. andy came around in august 1920 and is said to have been created with johnny's sons, worth and richard, in mind.

the 1977 film is probably where a lot of the younger fans first became interested in raggedy ann (well, that and tadc, and even then gooseworx is a pretty big fan of the film and even specifically based jax's voice on raggedy andy from the film), although the 1986 broadway musical has also been bringing a lot of people in through tumblr and tiktok. the film, despite ultimately flopping at the box office, had the esteemed richard williams at the helm of the animation, even animating the ever so popular "no girl's toy" sequence. of course, richard williams being richard williams, went way overbudget and way past the deadline and ended up being removed from the project just so it could get released. considering the composer of the film, joe raposo, theorized that the film flopping had something to do with the first star wars movie being released around the same time, it's interesting to think about how the raggedy film's fate could've been altered if it had released the year prior for america's bicentennial. the 1986 musical is a whole other can of worms, and im still learning a lot about it from being in the RARE server (which you should definitely check out, wink wink nudge nudge), but to summarize, a combination of a development team constantly at the brink of self-destruction, constant adherence to a family-friendly atmosphere spurred by parental concerns despite the dark themes playwright william gibson intended the story to have, and too much of the budget spent on expensive special effects that nearly killed the actors led to the musical notoriously flopping on broadway and ending its run prematurely never to be seen or heard from again. or so they thought.......

although the 1986 musical is considered a failure in the united states, over in russia, the story has a small cult following amongst childrens and community theatre productions. basically, in 1985, the musical was brought to the USSR as part of a cultural exchange between the two superpowers, and considering that russians had not been familiarized with raggedy ann or her cultural impact up until this point, this led to the rag doll and her friends not being seen as cheap americana, but rather somewhat of a childrens fable (ironic, considering raggedy ann as a character was born from johnny gruelle's stories...). because of this, russian productions of rag dolly (the 1986 musical) are plentiful, with even some very recent productions popping up every now and then. it should be noted that these productions rarely contain the original songs; sometimes the story will just be played straight with no music, while other productions will substitute the lack of musical songs with their own music. this can lead to some..... interesting results lol

i feel it is also important to bring up the various other adaptations of raggedy ann, too! there's the original books, of course, but if you're an animation nerd like me, there's the 1941 fleischer short (which takes some.... interesting creative liberties from the original source material), the two noveltoons shorts, the chuck jones holiday specials from 1978 and 79, the 1980s cartoon (watch at your own risk lol), and the two snowden specials from 1998; one is just a straightforward direct-to-vhs animated special, while the second is a full ice show with animated segments dispersed throughout. you get to see raggedy elvis! who doesnt want to see raggedy elvis?

in this last section ill just toss to you a bunch of links i recommend if you wanna learn more about raggedy ann beyond the movie!

(i should also probably mention now that some books and adaptations of raggedy ann feature racial stereotypes- i know suddenly its spring has a racial caricature in terms of adaptations specifically- likely due to the culture at the time. these depictions are obviously not right, but sadly when we're talking about a franchise that has been around for over a century, it's kind of unavoidable especially in the older books, so just be aware that those depictions will come up occasionally.)

youtube

my pal brooklyn is also working on a more extensive video on raggedy ann history, so be on the lookout for that when it comes out :)

#raggedy ann #raggedy andy #raggedy ann and andy #raggedy ann and andy a musical adventure #rag dolly #rag dolly musical #charlie’s last remaining brain cells fighting for survival

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archivist-the-knight · 2 months

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hi expanding a bit more on my "the necromancy of thay book rai had was wielded by the person who killed his family" thing. because its so evil. inspired by @the0retically's post

warning for discussions of violence, family death and other such things

okay first: there are three major characters here. the family friend of rai's, rai himself, and the necromancy book's whispers and promises. also rai's family. saying this as the whispers of the thay book are a different thing from the person possessing it, and can assume control at will <333

second: i'll be so honest... a lot of this is inspired by bad bad things by ajj. i just think the song lyrics are important to understand my rimmy ramblings

also like,,, none of this is concrete if anyone has cooler ideas let me know i will love them<33 this is jsut me making stuff up and having fun :-3

rai's family strikes me as around middle class. his original birth family was from baldur's gate, but after The Incident where he lost all memory of his parents, he began hopping around. i think he'd want to go to baldur's gate because he felt a natural pull towards it and might've been going there already to do research. i think he has memories of his parents faces and memories, but after a very stark, red burst in the memories he forgets what happened. its like. positive memory -> red blank -> waking up without his family, orphaned. like that.

enough about post-orphaned rai. now about pre-orphaned rai!!

rai's family would have consisted of his mother, father, and brother. i think it'd be a bit interesting if his parents were originally a three-parent deal, but one of them died around when rai was born and so now it's just two. rai's relationship with all of them is fond and good, however he can't really place their first names, try as he might. he might've been too young to learn his parent's names, but his brother? that's his brother... why can't he remember?

regardless, now its for the potatoes of the story: the family friend. the family friend, a librarian, recently lost her husband and is looking for a place to stay after the fact due to grief. she brought with her a new book collection; one she hadn't opened yet.

in that contained the necromancy of thay. rai was with her when she pulled it out, and was slowly ushered out upon her viewing it. she began to get weirder, whispering and lashing out. sobbing could be heard from her room, begging the book that she doesn't want to do this.

one night, rai is playing hide and seek with his brother. he finds the perfect hiding spot, and waits. rai waited. and waited. he'd thought his brother had given up on the chase, until he heard it.

you see; it's too good of a hiding spot. not because his brother wouldn't find him. it's that the book wouldn't.

screaming, screaming and begging filled the air as purple hums of magic and scorching black whispers followed. rai had to hear the squelch of ripped flesh, the screaming of his father before a blood-choked silence from him. and the begging from his mother... begging the guest not to hurt her baby boy, not to hurt her son.

hers was the quickest.

that is where the memory ends because uh poeticism over guys i don't know what happens. i think it'd make sense for the guest to wipe rai's memory, sending him off as the book promises it'll get him one way or another (the campaign). and the reason i'm going for that... is because it ties back to the original post. the fact that tal was asking "what could we have done to save you?" but. there wasn't anything they could do. rai's fate was sealed the moment he got that amethyst- no, actually. the moment the guest got that book. the moment the guest read those pages, there was no winning. there was nothing tal could have done to save rai, not from the very beginning.

of course, tal doesn't know about rai's whole backstory, but... something in tal knows. something in tal knows that try as he might... there was nothing he could have done to save his best friend. nothing they could do. and... he killed his best friend. even if there was something they could do, tal let his rage get the best of him and punched rai to death. why? he doesn't want to bite. he wants to protect his friends, he wants to be a good person, but... he just can't stop lashing out. maybe if he didn't punch rai, maybe if he wasn't inconsolable after rai's death, he could have done something. maybe... maybe if he wasn't a monster, he could have done something.

klip... i think rai and klip were like besties. you got a guy who's forgotten his fathers, and a dude who looks like he sorts all of his fishing equipment by type and color. of course they're friends. klip must have been heartbroken he couldn't do anything to help in the fight, that he indirectly started it by trying to distract rai from the book. he feels a pit in his stomach that he managed to fuck up this badly, at the cost of his friend. is... is klip really as good of a person as he thinks he is? he let this happen to his friend. the signs were obvious, and yet he let it happen. he just sat back until it was too late. why couldn't he stop rai? that's what heroes do. is he even a hero anymore?

and xiv... xiv literally gave him that amethyst, their last words were "we should have never trusted you!!".... no wonder they moved on so quickly they indirectly killed the guy!!! and... the whole "you act like you're so much better than me!" do they feel bad they never told rai about what he did to set him off? what if it was minor, what if it was completely accidental? what if if it could be solved in five minutes? what if, if xiv just put down their walls and didn't ignore everything to bottle it up, xiv wouldn't have left rai leave this world with his last words from them being a nasty remark? why did they have to wild shape, why did they have to go and ruin it all? why is it always their fault?

but... none of them are at fault. tal is not a monster. klip is still a hero. it is not xiv's fault.

this couldn't have been prevented. it just sucked they were friends with a man who was destined to die.

anyway <3333 im going crazy does anyone want me to pick up ingredients for coconut chickpea curry and rice. also do you think tal saw rai in hell or did he think rai managed to go to heaven ^_^

#eden mrraps.#this is a biiiit wonky just because i kinda have a headache but you know how it is with spaghetti #slimecicle bg3 #writing tag #nerd tag #character analysis #i know none of this might be canon i'm just making this up but god am i having fun doing it #tal grizzlyplays #rai bizlychannel #klip condifiction

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seancamerons · 5 months

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13, 15 for the writers asks!

13. What fic was the easiest to write?

I had a big year of writing and I'm actually proud of myself for seeing through, and in the new year, I can only hope to write more.

I think I've had the easiest time writing Where Are You Now?

I have myself on a strict deadline (Christmas) and the story has been an absolute labor of love, and feel genuinely good about it. I can bang out chapters like no shaboggle, no lie. 😉

14. Rec a fic you wrote or posted in 2023

So the fic Imma discuss that I wrote is Faking it, since I'm sure my moots are sick of my most recent Where Are You Now? which I've been more focused on lately because it's a seasonal kind of story. Now, Faking It features a lot of the same characters used in WAYN but is less au, set in the high school era, mainly around the season 5 mark. By contrast, WAYN is canon to s3 around Holiday, and then it changes and is set years later in adulthood. There are vignettes to bridge gaps, that's why they exist if you do read it and don't know.

The best way to describe it is like a fake romance au. Emma wistfully and even pathetically crushes hard on the new kid in school, Peter Stone, and is too cowardly to tell him. It's worth noting that this version of Peter isn't that important and is just a distraction, but s5 drops out of canon and is a bit over the top, follows the HS years and has differences making its own storyline.

Sean is newly returned to Degrassi and has his sights set on winning back Ellie's affection, but she won't give him the time of day and is angry with him for how he left her with the rent and everything else, overall is in a better state of mind. So Sean and Emma join forces to get what they both desire just as friends posing as lovers or whatever. It gets complicated when Sean learns of Jay and Emma's secret tryst in the ravine, and some lingering feelings they'd been denying make them question if this is what they want anymore, in turn they draw nearer to each other, and it blurs the line between their friendship and more and other storylines relate to that. I have quite a bit done with that one, and then I kind of got a bad case of writer's block and left it alone but I started around April of 2023 for that story, and do plan on seeing it through in time after I finish with my current WIP.

Where are you now? is based on music and such a commentary on superstardom and grief, family, friendship, loyalty, trauma, and the question (rhetorical), can money buy happiness, or love? The answer is obvious. Loosely based off of the song Lucky by Britney Spears, and titled with era album-mate Where Are You Now? It is a love story against the backdrop of Christmas, present day.

Okay, here is a link from a03 to Faking it, and here is a link to Where Are You Now? ✨

💌thank you for the ask! if anyone wants to send more lmk.

#asks #tht70sblog #writing #writing tag #fanfiction #fic rec #fic #fic writing #💌 tysm for the asks #i love talking about this!#where are you now?#faking it #degrassi fic #semma #semmafic #degrassi #emma nelson #sean cameron #cranny

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diaphanous-autumn · 1 year

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It’s been a long time...

...since my last post. I don’t even know if anyone’s still following this project. So many years without a word from my side. Too much stuff happened in my life and I needed some time for myself VERY badly.

I’ll write the reasons down under the cut, but list the TW beforehand. Please understand that these are no excuse for my disappearance but an explanation. I wish I had done things way different than I did.

TW: mental illnes, medication, therapy

TW: death of family member(s)

The reasons for my abrupt silence were:

1. I’ve been dealing with bipolar disorder that got out of hand. My medication wasn’t helping at that time and my therapist changed too frequently so I couldn’t settle in. We don’t have many good therapists and most of them don’t want new patients, so I had to go to the local speciality hospital to get semi-treated. There my therapist in charge changed almost monthly. I hated it. During that time, I tried to use my problems as fuel for my game. But depression withheld me from doing process. Only during my mania I was able to do some stuff and even then I got heavily distracted and completed other stuff. I couldn’t continue this way.

2. In the last few years I lost two very important and pillars of my life. My dear grandmother died shortly after my last post. My grief is long-lasting and it took even longer to understand that everyone grieves in their own way and that there is no timetable or guide how to grieve. The worst thing was: my father was affected by it most. He loved his mother even though there were rocky roads in their relationship. And I guess that grieve inside him was eating him up inside. I wish I would have been there for him during that hard time. 3 years ago I lost my father. He was only 51 years old. This was very hard to grasp for me. I couldn’t understand or accept it, but that’s what it is. His birthday is nearing and I still keep on thinking of him. I recently was able to get back to stuff I did before with him. Playing games I associate with him or listen to specific songs... The problem was: I did associate Ciel Nocturne on a very personal level with him. I didn’t bear to look at it and it made me sick.

3. Work took over most of my lifetime. Before starting the game and halfway through I had no job anymore. I started an apprenticeship and after 2 years of it I had to quit because I got sick too often. Shortly after I started another one that I had to quit after 1 year due to grieve and you guessed it- sickness. Depression made it hard to even get out of bed and that lead to stress and heavy migraine attacks. I felt worthless.

4. The ongoing drama inside the community wasn’t good for my mental health. I took things too personal and I didn’t want to be part of a toxic community. I got some very weird messages throughout development and my game got described as “some game where you play a girl that heteroes up a mansion with some white-haired guy” What? It made me unnecessarily angry and I took it personal because in the end, most stuff I put into the game storywise was my life experience!

5. Adding to the community trouble, I’m still very much pissed that my game got decrypted and my stuff used for own purposes. Someone stole my voice sound files and used them in their game. My scripts got ripped. Images from CN were still in the thieves’ game folder. Was this really something I could put myself through?

I had so much time to think about the game, the story and everything revolving around it. I decided I’ll start anew, I would love to rewrite the story a bit and come back with a completed game someday. I won’t post progress here and I learnt that I should make this thing in my own pace, without people or even myself pressuring me.

So... if you read all of this, thank you so much. This means a lot to me.

I’m really sorry for keeping up the silence until now. I hope I can reach some people with my game. So this might be my last post until I’ll release it, I guess.

Thank you.

#ciel nocturne #ciel nocturne (game)#rpg maker #rpgmaker #horror game #pixel horror #tw: mental illness #tw: death #tw: therapy #tw: medication #rpghorror #rpg maker horror

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musicarenagh · 1 year

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Lee Switzer-Woolf Pours His Into His Latest Album - Annihilation Signals Born Lee Switzer-Woolf is a professional singer-songwriter based in the United Kingdom, Reading. As a young child his musical taste was heavily influenced by the music his senior brother loved to play, and this gravitated him towards playing in bands. After the release of his debut album “Scientific Automatic Palmistry” which was released in 2022, Lee has since then been consistently working on improving his craft to give his fans something bigger. Here is something bigger, and it is called “Annihilation Signals” and this is the sophomore album release is a far bigger, more sprawling release both in terms of the fullness of the album’s sound, and the lyrical themes within. In a recent interview with Mister Styx of Musicarenagh, Lee Switzer-Woolf shared the main inspiration behind the album and this is what he had to say about it: “Annihilation Signals are used to measure the potential existence of dark matter. That idea of looking for something that we can’t see but that affects every aspect of our universe really fitted the themes of the album for me.” He continued saying; “It’s anxiety, it’s the threat of nuclear war, the climate crisis, our political landscapes, but also our personal ones. We are all being held in this state of potential catastrophe, and that’s what I was trying to examine with the new album.” Each song on the album is finely tuned to fit the listener's musical taste regardless of their background and that is a thing which can be attributed to Lee Switzer-Woolf. Annihilation Signals was written, performed, and home-recorded by Switzer-Woolf, and Mixed and Mastered by long-time collaborator Aden Pearce. You can literally taste the sweat and blood which was put in to get this project done, listening to Annihilation Signals you can clearly tell the beauty of it although some of the songs are melancholic, they convey a deep message with resonates with the listener. Lee Switzer-Woolf had more to say about his personal life and musical journey as whole. Get the full story below while you enjoy Annihilation Signals Follow Lee Switzer-Woolf on Twitter Spotify Soundcloud Bandcamp Youtube What is your stage name: Lee Switzer-Woolf Is there a story behind your stage name? Nope, it’s just my name! Where do you find inspiration? A lot of my songs tend to be introspective, dealing with anxiety, grief, and personal relationships. On the new album I’ve tried to look outward more but really it’s just catastrophising on a greater scale. What was the role of music in the early years of your life? I always felt a connection to music, but I didn’t act on it nearly enough in my youth. I started writing song lyrics very young, but I never did anything with them. I didn’t naturally feel any talent for music and I didn’t push myself to really try until college. Are you from a musical or artistic family? No, I’m not. My mum would show me 60’s music she liked, like Herman’s Hermits, but it was my brother’s musical taste that really caught my attention. He got me into bands like Radiohead, and that’s when I started to feel a genuine connection to music. Who inspired you to be a part of the music industry? I don’t think of myself as being part of the music industry. I’m perfectly content to be making music for myself, and the fact that other people have found a connection to the songs is amazing. In terms of inspiration though, I think I would’ve given up making music long ago if it weren’t for my friend Alex. He and I have been in punk bands together for over 20 years now, and for as long as we’ve known each other he has pushed me to get my music out there, long before I believed in my ability to do that. How did you learn to sing/write/to play? I taught myself mostly. The first band I ever formed was with a friend of mine, Pally, and we were dark indie-folk songs, not dissimilar to the kind of thing I put out

now. Except that all I did was write the lyrics, because that’s all I could do. I bought a guitar from him and started to learn to play and went from there. What was the first concert that you ever went to and who did you see perform? It was Radiohead, touring OK Computer, at a sports centre in Reading. 20+ years later I’m still trying to top that. How could you describe your music? My music has been described as indie-folk or folktronica. At the heart it is simple introspective alt-folk, but I’ve built in electronic elements. Certainly my new album is much fuller in sound than my previous effort, less focussed on acoustic guitar and stripped back arrangements and more built around a full band sound. Describe your creative process. I almost always start with the lyrics. Lyricism has always been where my heart lies, and my main driving reason to keep creating. I try to write as much as possible, preferably writing something every day, even if it’s just a few lines. The musical side doesn’t come as naturally to me. I usually play around with an acoustic guitar and try to get something basic going in terms of melody and song structure. On the new album a lot of the work came together in actually recording the songs, as I tried to add as much as possible, knowing I could strip away what wasn’t needed or wasn’t working later. It was all about getting down a lot of ideas. Once the tracks were recorded I handed them over to Aden Pearce, who also mixed and mastered my last album Scientific Automatic Palmistry. Shifting through the mud of my recordings and clearing up / highlighting the best bits is like a super power that he possesses, which I definitely do not. I think we work very well together in that respect. What musician do you admire most and why? I love Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes. It comes back to lyrics again, and the sheer depth and consistency of his work is unbelievable. He’s also seemingly not stopped creating for well over 20 years, without diminishing returns. https://open.spotify.com/artist/39FQMAp2C86W7yagW3n43h?si=UMpiKLYeRzudOzR7-MmP9g Who do you see as your main competitor? I don’t really know what that means, I don’t think musicians have competitors, do they? I will say that my 6 year old has started freestyling his own song lyrics and I’m a little concerned that he might be catching me up already. So, I’ll go with him. What are your interests outside of music? I love all kinds of writing, and I’ve tried my hand at poetry, screenwriting and that kind of thing. I wouldn’t say I’m good at any of it, but I feel lost when I don’t have something that I’m working on. Why did you choose this as the title of this project? Annihilation Signals are used to measure the potential existence of dark matter. That idea of looking for something that we can’t see but that affects every aspect of our universe really fitted the themes of the album for me. It’s anxiety, it’s the threat of nuclear war, the climate crisis, our political landscapes, but also our personal ones. We are all being held in this state of potential catastrophe, and that’s what I was trying to examine with the new album. What are your plans for the coming months? I’m going to be promoting the new album as much as possible. I’m playing a run of acoustic shows with two fantastic artists Page of Swords and Jack Cade, which I’m really looking forward to. I’m also finishing off an album with my punk band Launch Control, which has been such a great process so far, so that is really exciting. Do you have any artistic collaboration plans? There are a couple of things that I’ve talked about with various other artists that I’m really interested in pursuing. The idea of collaborating is something I’m definitely interested in, so we’ll see what happens. What message would you like to give your fans? I’m just very appreciative of all the support that the last album received. I really hope that people find something for themselves in these new s

ongs. Let me know what you think, I’d love to hear from you.

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zorelle · 3 years

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Blue Unicorn - Unicornio azul

So we all… know who the unicorn is, right.

This song is about losing him.

Unicornio is a song by the great Cuban poet singer-songwriter Silvio Rodriguez. Silvio is one of the most renowned artists in his genre, la Nueva Trova Cubana, the musical Cuban expression of the counterculture/anti-establishment phenomenon in the 60s and 70s around all of the Americas and parts of Europe. Silvio is it for me like so many of his songs fuck me up I grew up listening to him, a lot of my first approach to politics came by asking about his lyrics … To thread a loose parallel to my non-Latinx readers, you could place him next to Bob Dylan, as in he´s one of the protest singers in Latinoamérica and that whole thing was huge here, still is.

So the song is actually just called Unicorn but everyone knows it as The Blue Unicorn so you know when the derangement hit months ago… and then Y yo a ti happened (!!) … Like this is one of the songs that made me do the playlist. (btw here's the playlist). This one is not as long as the last one, but I still think we should discuss it under a cut.

Ok… here we go.

That Destiel shot

Originally I thought about this song for the Purgatory arc, and I think it still fits by the lyrics, but the more I listen to it I think about the widower arc or I see Dean crying in despair… the song has this deep melancholic feeling that penetrates you, this sense of loss and hopelessness and like sweet awful grieving... So. In general, this is from Dean's POV and it's about every time he thought he'd lost Cas forever. Listen to it and you'll get a better vibe from this whole post, I swear. And yes, by a better vibe I do mean a sorrowful one. So go listen to it while Dean cries aklashdkjffvfth.

Blue Unicorn

— as translated by me.

My blue unicorn got lost from me yesterday

I left him grazing

and now he's disappeared

If there´s any lead or tip…

I'll pay for it well.

The flowers he left me

I lost him yesterday,

are refusing to speak.

my blue unicorn

I don't know if he ran out

or if maybe he got lost…

And I have nothing left

but a single, blue unicorn

If anyone knows anything of him

I beg you to tell me,

100k, a million, I'll pay it.

…My blue unicorn.

I lost him yesterday,

My unicorn and I, we built this friendship

He left…

A little bit on love,

a little bit on truth.

He would fish out songs with his indigo horn

And then he knew exactly

Yesterday, I lost my blue unicorn

how to share them.

And this may have started to sound

like an obsession, to you

But I've got nothing more than a blue unicorn

Even if I had two,

I only want him.

I'll pay for any, any tip…

…My blue unicorn.

I lost him yesterday.

He's gone.

That Destiel meaning

–––

I could start waxing poetics about Dean's grief and loss, but really the song already accomplishes that so much better when you listen to it and think of him. I think what I want to talk about is how the song belongs on the playlist, not only by Dean's POV in the story but by us. Because I think the way the show was handled forged this open wound on a lot of people where we never got a moment to actually say goodbye properly, to Cas. So the audience had to go through this grieving without closure.

A few days ago the spn fandom (the guys I follow anyway) were talking about how Castiel felt real to them and I think that's very powerful and true, like… I balled my eyes out recently when Misha said he believed Cas felt loved before the Empty took him. like I KNOW I understand he's not real… but it felt like Misha was the last person who saw a friend in common who I didn't get to see and lost forever, and he was sharing that my friend had felt loved before he died. I know it may sound weird to outsiders but I'm sure you understand. Our mind doesn't recognize fictional characters as fictional. If we care about them and we lose them, then real or not it's gonna hurt bad, and actually, this whole tumblr experience has been partially about healing that wound for me. The ending felt like a symbolic act of violence to a lot of communities I identify as part of and that's why I rewatched spn to catch up but I came to care about these characters and their fates, and it hurt like a bitch in the end because they didn't get a respectful closure, and it felt almost hateful to Castiel.

So yes, it is about Dean losing Cas and the uneasiness and grieve and obsession over finding him, but I think it could also be about the spn fandom wanting to see our fictional best friend again and the despair of not having that moment to say goodbye or to not know if he's happy wherever he is now.

Lastly, I wanted to say this song interests me in the latinenatural sense because… if we consider Latinenatural beyond the funnies, I think the treatment of the story would change drastically under a Latinx lens. Some parts actually do change under our consumption of the media as viewers. There's a lot of despair and grief and horror in Latinoamérica… So the setting of losing and searching for someone by a Latinx lens I think wouldn't necessarily have Dean chopping heads as to show how much Castiel means to him, I think it would maybe focus, even on a fantasy setting, on the horrible journey of searching obsessively for someone who disappeared. Or at least that's what I'd do with it. I would talk about the disheartening horror of losing a loved one and not knowing what happened to them.

Something more like Unicornio. Because the song, corny as it may sound talking about a magical beast, is written in honor of a disappeared friend.

About the song

¿Cómo pudisteis cantar infamemente a las abstractas rosas y a la luna bruñida, cuando se caminaba paralelamente al litoral del hambre y se sentía el alma sepultada bajo un volcán de látigos y cárceles, de patrones borrachos y gangrenas y obscuros desperdicios de vida sin estrellas? — Roque Dalton, Canto a nuestra posición.

There's a bunch of theories around the meaning of the song. This is partially Silvio's fault bc he's been changing his answer on interviews for decades now, sometimes he has talked about how everyone has a unicorn so it's left for interpretation, other times he straight up says he actually had a unicorn and lost it… So people have come up with theories like 'he used to have a unicorn toy when he was a child' or 'he means unicorn as in the artistic inspiration, the muse', the most bonkers one is 'he lost a pair of jeans he really liked'… I'm here to tell you I've done my research and they're all wrong. I caught you, Silvio! I did my homework and I gotcha now! (actually, all I had to do was read the reference for the cd booklet)

In 1982 while presenting his album, Unicornio, Silvio says "everything started with a good friend I made called Roque Dalton, he was from El Salvador and besides being an amazing poet, he was a great revolutionary, which would ultimately cost him his life (…)"

Roque Dalton was recognized by a lot of people, he was admired by big names like Julio Cortazar and Elena Poniatowska, as much for his revolutionary spirit as for his rare natural ability to thread words in beautiful ways either be it poetically or narratively, which people recognized it also had to do with how close he was to his story and his people, the care he had for his country. Because of that, he got arrested a lot by the right-wing regime in El Salvador and ultimately had to exile himself in Mexico. From there Roque went to all the hot spots in the Soviet bloc and then settled in Cuba, where he met Silvio… and Cortazar, actually. Cortazar said he met him when Roque was getting in an argument about gun usage with Fidel Castro at a party. Like, imagine that. (x)(x)

So Roque is Silvio's unicorn, and the song is partly about his disappearance. He was killed by his own mates on the revolutionary forces, which really... I think is so fucked up. El Salvador didn't open any investigation, no one was ever charged for his death, and his body was never recovered.

Some articles on Roque Dalton: x x x x x x x x

The other inspiration Silvio talked about was actually Roque's son, Juan José Dalton, who also made part of a guerrilla and, young as he was, had already been persecuted, captured, and tortured by the time Silvio and he spoke again. On that occasion, he had told Silvio that when he lived as a combatant in the mountains, he used to see a blue unicorn grazing in the distance from time to time. I guess that reminded him of his friend, forever lost to him and all of us.

Wouldnt it be nice to think of the people we love and lose as magical beings at peace, grazing around mountains, partially covered by the morning fog?

Anyway, this post is part of a set of rants I'm (slowly) writing about my playlist, Destiel en español, on Spotify. I wrote this one particularly in celebration of @tootiredmotel 's 500 followers, she planned 3 prompts each day for 4 days, I wanted this post to be ready on day 1 for "blue", but I'm like 2 days late 😬.

However, I hope you still find me sexy when I tell you I can fit it in today's prompt which is "reunite"... In order to reunite them on a good note and close this full circle, I choose the words of Roque Dalton to take us there, he says:

"Cuando sepas que he muerto no pronuncies mi nombre, porque se detendría la muerte y el reposo"

"When you know I've died don't say my name, for that alone would stop all death and stasis"

That´s it for now, my heller friends and latinenatural vibrs. I hope you enjoyed it. 👐🏾✨

🦄 Destiel en Español 💙

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#destiel en español #destiel as songs #latinenatural #sobrenatural #spn meta #latam dub my beloved #my heller heart #cancion protesta #silvionatural #tootired500 #destiel #destiel is canon #ask me again in spanish #y yo a ti cas #y yo a ti #misha collins #he saw love in his eyes #castiel my beloved #el unicornio azul

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shihalyfie · 3 years

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Some things to know about the upcoming 02-related movie

As someone who seems to be known for being a 02 metablogger now (and 02 lover in general), and who’s been closely following Kizuna’s development and is generally fond of the movie itself, I figured I’d probably need to address the elephant in the room that is the announcement of the upcoming (unnamed, as of this writing) 02-related movie. This is also especially because I’ve personally been on the record saying that I absolutely did not want a Kizuna sequel. And, well, on top of that, to be a bit blunt about it, a lot of us, especially 02 fans, have a lot of reason to be skeptical of Toei right now given some of the things they’ve done with this series in the past, and 02-related things in particular (trust me, the wound is still extremely fresh), so it says a lot about what it took for me to get even remotely positive about this prospect.

Well, here’s the good news: while I of course still think there’s good reason to be apprehensive, and while I wouldn’t say everyone should be getting their expectations up for it to be guaranteed fantastic (which is something I would say about anything, regardless of whether it even has to do with Digimon or not), I don’t think there’s too much to be panicked about with this movie. Again, it took a lot for the staff to gain my trust in this respect, so it’s not something I say lightly. But if you’re a 02 fan and you’re extremely apprehensive, here are my reasons for feeling this way, and, hopefully, they might make you feel a little better too.

The reason this movie exists to begin with

One of the most striking things about this movie’s reveal was that they’ve literally only just started production on this movie. This was to the point that, at DigiFes, where this was revealed, even the voice actors stated outright that they knew absolutely nothing more than what the audience knew from the trailer. Katayama (Daisuke) only knew anything in the sense that they had him record those few lines for it. So even though it’s been a whole year and a half since Kizuna released to the public, it had only just been decided to make a new movie like this. All of the statements between Kizuna and now stating that there was nothing particularly in the works at the time were completely accurate. Of course, there are obvious hints that they were setting up for this possibility (many, many people noticed the suspiciously favorable position the 02 group was in during Kizuna, and the press releases were carefully worded so that having a movie about “Daisuke and his friends” would allow any statement about Kizuna being “the last adventure of Taichi and his friends” to still be technically truthful), but for all intents and purposes it seems like there had been no actual commitment to making this 02 movie until now, and that they’d at least wanted to gauge the surrounding climate and fanbase reactions for what people were looking for before they decided to go ahead with this.

The obvious reasons as to why this movie exist involve the fact that Daisuke and co. are pretty much the only “out” you can have to continue the Adventure universe without constantly defaulting to Taichi’s group yet again, because at the very least it’d be something that you can’t deny hasn’t exactly had the best representation in recent years. Of course they’re trying to capitalize on this! I’m not going to pretend they aren’t! But producer Kinoshita left a very interesting comment about a particular goal they have with this movie:

This time, the core behind the movie is everyone from 02! Daisuke’s group has their own different kind of charm from Taichi’s, and we want to express that precisely because we’re in the times we’re in right now.

That comment alone has a lot to unpack. (For a frame of reference, Kizuna released in Japan in February 2020; development had already long finished by the time the pandemic first hit, and it was unfortunately one of the first victims of the initial lockdowns because of how bad the timing was.) Acknowledging directly that there’s something different about Daisuke’s group and their dynamic, which makes them especially suited for what we need in “the current times”...hmm, what could that be?

The implied answer is one that many 02 lovers will know very intimately: the 02 group’s particular specialty is in uplifting others and giving each other emotional support. While Adventure had traces of these themes, 02 was the one that went really hard on the themes of dealing with grief and loss, the existential crisis of what to do with oneself in a world placing heavy pressures on you, and how to move on from hardships with the help of others. The fact that the 02 group specializes in this more than anything else is probably one of the most distinguishing factors between them and their seniors, so there’s a very heavy implication here that they understand what distinguishes 02 from Adventure, and what it uniquely would bring to the table in this kind of movie. So this isn’t just “we’re relying on the 02 kids because they’re part of the same universe”; there’s some degree of substantial understanding of what makes 02 as a series unique, and a desire to use this to its fullest extent.

Still don’t believe me? Well, how about this...

This staff really likes 02 a lot

Seki Hiromi, the original producer of Adventure and 02, was involved as a supervisor on Kizuna’s development. Seki was personally involved in the creation of these kids and 02 itself -- she’s the one who noticed the story of the nine-year-old boy skipping grades into Columbia University, the one that formed the basis of 02 itself and eventually came back for Kizuna -- and even personally vetted Kizuna’s script to make sure everyone was in character, gave her thoughts on what the kids would be like in 2010, and was (repeatedly) commented as seeming to love the kids like her own children. As of this writing, it hasn’t been confirmed whether she’s involved on the new movie, but even if she’s not, this means that the staff on Kizuna that is returning all listened closely to those discussions about what the characters are like, straight from the mouth of one of their own creators. The new character song releases had a brief mention in Lounsbery Arthur’s interview that there were apparently extensive discussions with the staff on what the characters should be like at this time, so while Seki’s involvement with that is unknown, at the very least, a lot of conscientious thought seems to be put in at all times into maintaining these characters’ integrity.

Of course, just having an original creator alone on it doesn’t necessarily do it by itself, so here’s another interesting thing: Taguchi Tomohisa, director of both Kizuna and this movie, is also very fond of 02.

I suspect we’ll be hearing more from him as this new movie goes further into development, but Taguchi himself implied that 02 was actually the one he happened to connect with in particular, and when you really think about it, given the circumstances surrounding Kizuna, it’s not actually surprising that a movie trying to be conscientiously aware of 02′s position in the narrative would have someone with a particular fondness for it on its staff. (Reason being: a lot of Adventure fans don’t care much for 02, but you’ll almost never meet a 02 fan who doesn’t also adore Adventure.) The really fun part about this, however, is that Taguchi has repeatedly stated that 02′s first movie, Hurricane Touchdown, is his favorite Digimon movie -- in a climate where everyone else was talking about Adventure. The expected answer for the majority of Adventure fans in terms of “favorite Digimon movie” is almost always Our War Game! by knockout, but no, for Taguchi, it’s Hurricane Touchdown, and not only has he said this, he won’t shut up about it. He’s been saying this since 2019. Even Seki noticed. A whole article got made about this. He brings it up whenever he has a chance to. To top it all off, when a Kizuna event asked everyone present about their favorite characters, and everyone gave Adventure-related answers, Taguchi’s response was instead Terriermon and Daisuke. And I mean, look at Kizuna itself -- its entire plot revolves around having to move on from unhealthy nostalgia, represented by kidnapping people and turning them younger and an antagonist swallowed by their own negative emotions, which, well, is literally the plot of Hurricane Touchdown. (Yeah, that Wallace cameo is very, very likely to be sheer self-indulgence.) And considering that Taguchi said his favorite human character was Daisuke, not Wallace, it means that he understands what Hurricane Touchdown brought out of Daisuke, what his interactions with Wallace meant for both characters, and how Daisuke’s best strengths lie in his ability to support and uplift others.

And, finally, we have Yamatoya, who was responsible for penning both Kizuna’s script (and, thus, being privy to Seki’s corrections) and the bonus drama CD that came with it, on the script, and he personally said that he enjoyed writing for the 02 group because he felt they were important to lightening up the mood of the heavy story Kizuna was becoming. In fact, every comment from this staff about what the 02 group brings to the table in particular has showed a good understanding of what their appeal is -- that they have to be “fun”, that they were “healing in a heavy story”, and Taguchi himself said that he got the impression that the 02 group had more straightforward paths to their epilogue careers (which is interesting, considering that I’ve also personally pointed out that the 02 group seemed to have careers with significantly lower bars than their seniors’ due to their difference in priorities). All of these things are observations you make when you know this group and the importance of the story they came from.

Extend it even further to the rest of the staff members and you’ll find there are a lot of 02 fans on there, including the animation staff, who made some very neat observations about 02 and its finale. Miyahara Takuya is a particularly amusing case, because he seems to love Imperialdramon so much that in the thanks booklet for the deluxe edition for the Blu-ray, he drew a picture of Daisuke and Ken with Imperialdramon Dragon Mode because he didn’t get to be in the movie. (As in, he actually said, point-blank in the caption, that he loves Imperialdramon and wanted to draw him because he wasn’t in the movie.)

Of course, even if you’re trying your best, things may not always work out, so I’m not saying having love for the characters will necessarily guarantee that the product turns out for the best. However, considering that historically a lot of our fears come from the idea of them milking the name value of the characters without really caring about their integrity or understanding what the series was about (especially since a lot of people in the fanbase itself don’t tend to read 02′s nuances very well), I think, at the very least, we don’t need to worry about the staff for this movie not being conscientious, nor the idea that they’re making this movie without understanding or caring about 02.

Furthermore, one thing I appreciate is that they’re actually leading the advertisement with a premise that is distinct from Kizuna’s. Of course, it covers a similar topic of “partnerships”, and it’s very possible it’ll cover the issue of the solution to Kizuna’s problem (especially since the answer was already hinted to have a heavy relationship with 02), but nevertheless, it’s an actual premise that’s not just “Kizuna’s story, but more of it”. It’s an understanding that something 02-related should be allowed to stand on its own rather than just tacking it onto an Adventure-related thing. Beyond that, while I think it’s generally expected that a side story like this should have an original character, I think it’s actually very good this time in particular that there’s a new element/character for the 02 group to interact with; again, as with Hurricane Touchdown and Daisuke, these kids often have the best brought out of them when they’re supporting others, and honestly, because the kids suffered so much in their own narrative, I’m not particularly fond of the idea of seeing them having to go through too much more trauma themselves (it’s a big reason I don’t like the idea of a 02 reboot). So while I’m sure a lot of 02 fans feel a bit antsy that the actual group itself wasn’t advertised first, I actually consider it a positive sign that they have an understanding of what context this group performs best in, and, moreover, well...the last time they unveiled something that was so focused on advertising the return of old characters that it forgot to actually be straightforward about the premise, I don’t think that ended well. So to speak.

In general, the track record is good

It’s easy to just smile and nod at the portrayal of the 02 quartet in Kizuna, because in general everything from them is in-character, but I just want to point out how significant it is that they were portrayed so conscientiously when it is really easy to mess them up. (As I like pointing out very often: even official has not historically been very careful with Daisuke’s character.) There are so many easy pitfalls you could have fallen into and pigeonholed the kids into, but Kizuna absolutely demonstrated the quartet at their best, showing off all the nuances of their character and bringing up all the parts that were most important, especially Daisuke’s best quality being “positivity and cheerfulness” and not all of the other things about him running in circles or having a crush on Hikari-chan. This even goes down to the casting; Katayama Fukujuurou sounds terrifyingly like Kiuchi Reiko in terms of all the little nuances and pitch shifts she had in her performance, and the cast themselves spoke of all the nuances present in their characters as they were studying for their roles. These are things that even fans of the series tend to miss, but the voice actors for the quartet nailed their roles so well that it’s very easy to tell that the direction understood exactly what they were looking for and needed, and casted accordingly. Even those who didn’t care for the movie much had a very hard time disputing the voice casting for the quartet (and this is saying a lot given how much voice actor changes are often a really sore point among Japanese fans).

But while the 02 group had a limited amount of screentime in Kizuna, the staff also had a lot of opportunities to prove themselves with the drama CD and the new character song CDs, and every single aspect of these reflects something that was represented in 02 itself -- again, things that often go over the heads of people who aren’t paying as close attention. The drama CD captures a lot of the essence of the dynamics between the group in only short lines, and all of the statements about the characters in the character song interviews are accurate (and remember: Arthur said directly that there were discussions with the staff about keeping them true to character). On top of that, not only do the lyrics in said songs directly mirror each character’s development from the time of the original Best Partner series, there are also a lot of things in said songs that demonstrate a nuanced understanding of each person’s character and what they got out of the events of 02. Someone with only a surface-level understanding of Ken or Iori’s character might think that Ken should only have a soft song, or that Iori shouldn’t want to do anything ridiculous, but the series goes ahead and gives Ken one of the most passionately emotional rock songs in the batch and Iori outright rap with Armadimon, which are both fitting decisions in light of Ken actually being one of the more emotionally assertive people in this group, and Iori only being stoic because he’s strict with himself and being willing to let loose in certain circumstances (especially after the events of 02).

As of this writing, I don’t know if the new movie is going to be featuring the entire group in a major role, and I’m not sure if I even want it to; as much as I do strongly feel like the group should always work together at all times, one minor personal complaint I had about Kizuna was that it tries to do too much in too little time, and I’m personally fine with this new movie being more Daisuke-centric or something if it means it can just get a nice story on the table (after all, if I wanted something that more evenly represents the entire 02 group, I’d just go back and rewatch a very nice anime series called Digimon Adventure 02). There’s also the very thorny question of what to do about Tokumitsu Yuka, since I don’t personally really like the idea of still dragging her out of retirement like this (but I also wouldn’t want them to awkwardly write around her just for this, and I’m wondering if Sonozaki voicing Tailmon in the reboot would let people accept her as a replacement without much fighting).

Nevertheless, I think Kizuna’s staff has proven more than well enough that they understand the essence of 02 and its characters, so, again, regardless of how it turns out, I at least expect that this can be made with some degree of conscientiousness, and at this point, that’s all I can ask for. I don’t think it’s fair to expect or want this movie to be the second coming of 02, because, again, if we wanted that, I think it’d be better for us to all go back and watch that lovely little 50-episode anime called Digimon Adventure 02. But in terms of being something that can add a little nice thing to the mix, I think, so far, this movie at least has positive signs of turning out that way -- and, remember, think about what I just said about initially being very against this idea; as a diehard 02 fan who has a lot of very picky feelings about how to best represent it, it took a lot for the staff to earn my trust in this sense.

#digimon #digimon adventure 02 #digimon adventure last evolution kizuna #kizuna spoilers

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magicpotatoobsession · 3 years

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GIVEN | Chapter 42/Mix 12 Initial Thoughts

Recently, I've been seeing some people being confused online about what the latest conversation between Shizu and Ue was on about so I thought I might give my own interpretation.

SURVIVAL vs. PASSION

I think what Shizu is saying is that he doesn't care, as long as he gets to stay by Hiiragi's side, he doesn't care how Hiiragi treats him, even if that means throwing his own life and passions away. He is completely unfazed by being in a relationship with Hiiragi because everything Shizu's ever done his whole life has been for Hiiragi. He's saying that whatever Hiiragi wants, he'll do without question as if being commanded by God himself. Shizu doesn't have any emotional attachment to music at all which is the total opposite of Ue and Mafuyu, who use music as a metaphor and source of communication. Both Ue and Mafuyu wants to get a sense of emotional gratification from the music that they create.

For Ue, it's because he wants to understand Mafuyu and by composing, he wants his songs to reach Mafuyu's heart. For Mafuyu, through music he wants to use it as a tool to process his grief and express himself more clearly. Which means that when things don't go well in their relationship or they are dealing with internal struggles, it's very risky and can reflect in the music that they create together. While Shizu plays music because it simply is just what he's supposed to do like one would sleep or brush their teeth in order to live (because he sees Hiiragi as a life source), both Mafuyu's and Ue's passion and drive for music comes from within and from each other. So I think that's why it's a lot more complicated. Well this is my interpretation anyway.

Why does Shizu feel ominous?

But also, why am I feeling this crazy sense of dread when it comes to Shizu? like his confession of

Like that's not normal for someone to say. I really hope that Shizu works on his issues of codependency because I feel like we could see a "Yuki repeat" if Hiiragi accidentally says something that makes Shizu feel abandoned....

Edit: actually there is a reason why the confession is the way it is! Post linked here. But it’s still really unhealthy that shizu’s still completely disregarding his own needs!

The co-existence of grief and love

My heart is aching for Ue. But I feel like that's what I really love about Given, it's not a typical love story, it's a story about grief and Mafuyu is still processing the loss and trauma of Yuki. In my very first blogpost about Given, I noted that I felt like Mafuyu moved on too quickly from the death of Yuki straight into dating Ue and there was a lack of conclusiveness and resolution to him moving on. But I think upon reading the manga, I think the Fuyu no Hanashi (A Winter Story) performance was the first time that Mafuyu even BEGAN the grieving process.

I saw that someone pointed out online that most other major characters had a 'breakdown' moment and we haven't received one from Ue, so it is likely that we might see him snapping soon because he's been enduring for so long.

Mafuyu is in the FREEZE stage

I think Mafuyu is going through the different stages of grief is experiencing a tremendous amount of anxiety from feeling left out now that Ue is playing support for Hiiragi and Shizu's band. When someone goes through anxiety, they either fight, flight or freeze. Mafuyu in my opinion is 100% in the freeze stage. He is scared of the the past repeating itself and therefore is affecting his ability to sing and hear music as well. Mafuyu is going into shutdown.

What we might see next is Mafuyu continually shutting down and Ue continually trying to reach out through his music but Mafuyu doesn't have the capacity to listen. If this is the direction Given is going in I'm not sure if I will be able to emotionally handle it.

---

Masterlist of my Given Metas

If you like what you read, all I post is basically Given analysis content! Give my blog a follow to be notified of future posts! #metapotato

#given #sato x uenoyama #metapotato #uenoyama given #mafuyu sato #given meta #analysis #anime analysis #shounen ai #romance #stages of grief #music #this is canon #meta #Given meta #given hiiragi #hiiragi x shizusumi #uenoyama x mafuyu #given manga

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nicknellie · 3 years

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I’m just thinking about how Julie and the Phantoms must have improved so many people’s lives and mental health, myself included.

So much of the story centres around a very relatable teenage girl overcoming her battle with grief, something that everyone experiences (and even more so in the past year). To have someone to look up to and follow, to be able to compare journeys of grief and acceptance to was helpful to me and I can imagine it has been instrumental in so many other people’s lives. We’ve all had a lot to come to terms with recently and seeing a someone accept their grief so naturally on screen is incredibly helpful when it comes to normalising things like this and working through struggles of our own. Julie’s journey shows that recovery is hard but it is possible and one way or another you’ll learn to be yourself again.

Then there’s Alex and his anxiety and how it’s presented so well and naturally; it’s not something that stops him from doing what he loves but instead something that he doesn’t let hold him back or define him, something that he struggles with but he knows that he can make his way past it. That’s honestly so inspiring and such a refreshing thing to see, and it’s so beautiful to show an audience that mental health conditions like anxiety aren’t something that have to control you or stop you from being yourself. We’re told Alex is anxious, but it isn’t his only personality trait - he proves you can be an amazing, talented, funny, caring, well-rounded person and having anxiety doesn’t need to be the only thing that people see from you.

Don’t even get me started on the songs, especially Bright, Stand Tall, and most of all Wake Up. Loads of the songs (in my opinion, it’s these three more than any of the others, but I’ll give an honourable mention to Finally Free) have messages in them that are just unbelievably inspiring and helpful and used to build listeners up. Bright is all about pushing past your fears and being the best version of yourself, Stand Tall is about staying strong and never giving up, and Wake Up is so beautifully written in so many ways - it’s for those bad days, reminding you that even if the only thing you’ve done is wake up then that is an amazing achievement and you should celebrate the fact that you’ve made it another day. Wake Up never says that doing the bare minimum isn’t enough, it says the opposite. It says if the bare minimum is all you can do then you deserve to be proud of yourself for it, and one day you’ll be able to do so much more. We don’t fully appreciate how important that is - for people who struggle daily with just getting out of bed, this validation and love is so wonderful and honestly just a blessing, and it’s definitely something we don’t see enough of in media.

Just the fact that these messages are presented so beautifully and written so well makes me so emotional because it’s the little things like this that are going to tell a whole new generation that it’s okay to feel how they feel and be who they are and to keep pushing themselves because that’s what matters.

#jatp #julie and the phantoms #julie and the himbos #julie molina #alex mercer #jatp soundtrack #jatp songs #bright jatp #stand tall jatp #wake up jatp #1x01 #1x09 #1x02

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dailytomlinson · 4 years

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While many artists would jump at the chance to tell you how lockdown has been a fruitful opportunity for self-improvement, full of pseudo self-help books and pompous podcasts, former One Directioner Louis Tomlinson is adamant that he has done, well, nothing.

“I’ve just watched loads of s___ TV,” he says after a long pause. “The Undoing is decent, isn’t it?”

Twenty-eight--year-old Tomlinson from Doncaster was always the down-to-earth Directioner, frequently describing himself as fringe member who spent more time analysing the band’s contracts than singing solos, known for chain-smoking his way through several packs of cigarettes a day and swearing like a trooper. A rarity, these days, among millennials who’d rather suck on a stem of kale and tweet about their #blessings.

He's getting ready to rehearse an exciting one-off gig that will be live-streamed from a secret London location on December 12, announced today exclusively via the Telegraph. The proceeds of the night will be split across four charities: The Stagehand Covid-19 Crew Relief Fund and Crew Nation, Bluebell Wood Children’s Hospice and Marcus Rashford’s charity FareShare, to help end child poverty.

The gig means a great deal to Tomlinson, whose first ever tour as a solo artist, to promote his debut solo album WALLS, was cut short back in March after just two concerts in Spain and Mexico. It was an album he’d spent five years working on: a guitar-led project that ruptured with the preppy pop anthems of One Direction, inspired instead by Tomlinson’s love for Britpop.

No doubt he was anxious to get it right following a decade “grown in test tubes”, as Harry Styles once described the band’s formation on the X Factor, where they came third before going on to make a reported $280,000 a day as the most successful band in the world. The pressure, too, was intense: all four bandmates had already released their own solo debuts.

Was he left reeling, I ask, unable to perform at such a crucial moment?

“The thing that I always enjoyed the most about One Direction was playing the shows, so my master plan, when I realised I was going to do a solo career, was always my first tour. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to for the best part of five years now. I got so close, I got a taste for it, and it’s affected me like everyone else, but I’m forever an optimist,” he says down the phone, with what I can only imagine to be a rather phlegmatic shrug.

Sure, I say, but the last year can’t have been easy. Didn’t he feel like his purpose had popped?

“You know what,” he says, reflecting, “maybe because I’ve had real dark moments in my life, they’ve given me scope for optimism. In the grand scheme of things, of what I’ve experienced, these everyday problems...they don’t seem so bad.”

Tomlinson is referring to losing his 43-year-old mother, a midwife, to leukemia in 2016, and his 18-year-old sister Felicite, a model, to an accidental drug overdose in 2018. The double tragedy is something he has been open about on his own terms, dedicating his single, Two of Us, from WALLS, to his mother Johannah, while often checking in with fans who have lost members of their own family.

It’s not unusual for Tomlinson to ask his 34.9 million followers if they’re doing alright, receiving hundreds of thousands of personal replies. It’s not something he will discuss in interviews, however, after he slammed BBC Breakfast for shamelessly probing his trauma in February this year. “Never going back there again,” he tweeted after coming off the show.

“Social media is a ruthless, toxic place, so I don’t like to spend much time there,” says Tomlinson, “but because of experiencing such light and shade all while I was famous, I have a very deep connection with my fans. They’ve always been there for me.”

In return, Tomlinson is good to them. Last month he even promised some new music, saying that he’d written four songs in four days. Does this mean that a second album is on the way?

“Yeah, definitely,” he says. “I’m very, very excited. I had basically penciled down a plan before corona took over our lives. And now it's kind of given me a little bit of time to really get into what I want to say and what I want things to sound like. Because, you know, I was really proud of my first record, but there were moments that I felt were truer to me than others. I think that there were some songs where I took slightly more risk and owned what I love, saying, ‘This is who I want to be’. So I want to take a leaf out of their book.”

Fans might think he’s referring to writing more heartfelt autobiographical content such as Two of Us, but in fact, he’s referring specifically to rock-inspired Kill My Mind, he says, the first song on WALLS. “There’s a certain energy in that song, in its delivery, in its attitude, that I want to recreate. People are struggling at the moment, so I want to create a raucous, exciting atmosphere in my live show, not a somber, thoughtful one.”

He sighs, trying to articulate something that’s clearly been playing on his mind for a while. “You know, because of my story, my album was a little heavy at times and a little somber. And as I'm sure you're aware, from talking to me, now, that isn't who I am.”

It must be draining, I say, the weight of expectation in both the media and across his fanbase, to be a spokesperson for grief and hardship. To have tragedy prelude everything he does and says.

“Honestly, it’s part of being from Doncaster as well, I don’t like people feeling sorry for me. That’s the last thing I want.”

Too many incredible memories to mention but not a day goes by that I don't think about how amazing it was. @NiallOfficial @Harry_Styles @LiamPayne @zaynmalik . So proud of you all individually.

The problem is, says Tomlinson, he doesn’t have the best imagination. “I have interesting things to say musically, but what’s challenging from a writing perspective is that I write from the heart, and I can’t really get into someone else’s story. And right now, being stuck at home, you have so little experience to draw from. It’s actually quite hard to write these positive, uplifting songs, because actually, the experiences that you're going through on a day to day basis, you know, you they don't have that same flavour.”

There is something that’s helping, though: a secret spot near Los Angeles, where he divides his time. “It’s remote and kind of weird, and I’m going to go there for three days and write. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to it. I found it via a YouTube video. It’s got some very interesting locals who live there, it’s sort of backwards when it comes to technology. It feels like you’re going back in time when you’re there. But I don’t want to give it away.”

Another source of inspiration for his second album is the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ back catalogue. “I grew up on their album Bytheway. And during lockdown I've been knee deep in their stuff. I’ve watched every documentary, every video. And I find their lead guitarist John Frusciante just fascinating.”

Has he spoken to Frusicante?

“I f______ wish,” snorts Tomlinson.

Surely someone as well-known as Tomlinson could easily get in touch?

“No, honestly, I think he’s too cool for that. He’s not into that kind of thing.”

Tomlinson’s passion for all things rock is also spurring on a side hustle he picked up as a judge on the X Factor in 2018: managing an all-female rock band via his own imprint on Simon Cowell’s Syco label. While the group disbanded before releasing their first single, and Tomlinson split from Syco earlier this year, the singer is keen to nurture some more talent.

“I'm not gonna lie, my process with my imprint through Syco, it became challenging and it became frustrating at times,” Tomlinson says a little wearily. “The kind of artists that I was interested in developing – because I genuinely feel through my experience in One Direction, you know, one of the biggest f______ bands, I feel like I've learned a lot about the industry – they weren’t ready-made. So I had lots of artists that I took through the door that were rough and ready, but major labels want to see something that works straight away. I found that a little bit demotivating. I love her and she's an incredible artist, but not everyone is a Taylor Swift.”

Tomlinson spends much of his free time scouting new talent either on YouTube, Reddit or BBC Introducing – he’s currently a huge fan of indie Brighton band, Fickle Friends. His dream is to manage an all-female band playing instruments. “Because there's no one in that space. And I know eventually if I don't do it, someone else will!”

Before he drives off to rehearsals, we chatter about how much he's been practising his guitar playing, and how he can't wait to take the whole team working at his favourite grassroots venue, The Dome in Doncaster, out ice-skating after he performs there on his rescheduled tour. “Because I've got skills,” he says, and I can hear his chest puff.

And then I ask the question every retired member of One Direction has been batting off ever since they broke up in 2015, after Zayn Malik quit. Rumours that his bandmates saw him as a Judas went wild after some eagle eyes fans noticed they’d unfollowed him on Instagram. Payne, Tomlinson, Horan and Styles have barely mentioned him since. Recently, however, they re-followed him, and Payne has teased that a One Direction reunion is on the cards.

So: might 2021 be the year of resurrection?

“I thought you were going to ask something juicier!” say Tomlinson witheringly. “Look, I f______ love One Direction. I'm sure we're going to come back together one day, and I'll be doing a couple of One Direction songs in my gig. I always do that, so that's not alluding to any reunion or anything. But, I mean, look, I'm sure one day we'll get back together, because, you know, we were f______ great.”

#telegraph uk #press #louis tomlinson #241120 #its FULL of stunts as telegraph usually goes #stunt mention #Eleanor Halls

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sherasswords · 3 years

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Song of Achilles Catradora AU

I recently read Song of Achilles and I cannot stop thinking about a Catradora AU for it, so I just had to write this down. The AU would probably be too sad for me to actually write fully but, hey, I can still write little bits :'). Enjoy and let me know if you want more:

Catra watches as flames lick at the ships. No way home. She sees the men engaged in war, avoiding the tent of the semi-divine Adora. Aristos Achaion. Best of all of the Greeks. Refusing to fight for pride.

Catra turns sharply back into their shared tent. Adora stands with her back to her, looking at papers. How is she reading right now? "Adora," Catra calls. The tall blonde turns and Catra's heart hammers in her chest. She loves her. She loves her more than she has ever loved anything before. She thinks of the story of Meleager, how his wife begged him to fight, how he bent to her will for love, but it was too late, the damage had been done. "You must fight."

"I will not." Adora says. She frowns as she steps closer to Catra. Catra is angry with her, she can hear the destruction, the pain, people are dying, and Adora does nothing. Adora is the best warrior of their generation, she is invulnerable, swift-footed, deadly. Catra remembers Odysseus' description of her: a spear. A weapon. Adora can kill thousands of Trojans, and then some, all by herself, but she refuses to do so. It is infuriating.

"Why do you hide in your tent?" Catra asks desperately. "Men are dying. Women. You can save them." Catra sees Adora's eyes widen. She is still Adora. Even after all that she has done in the name of war, she came to Troy on hero ideals, she wanted to save people, not kill them, she can still be a hero.

"I cannot." Adora says. She sounds pained at the thought. "Agamemnon, he dishonours me." She says. "I will look weak if I join. The Greeks, they deserve this."

"They don't deserve to die for your pride!" Catra yells. The flames of the torches in the tent lick at Adora's eyes, reflected in their pretty blues. Catra steps towards her.

"If you will not fight for them, then fight for me." Catra begs softly. She cups Adora's face in her hands. She is taller than her, her golden hair falls on her shoulders like a golden curtained halo, she is beautiful, almost like a goddess, but she is stubborn and her hubris will be the downfall of everyone.

Adora exhales softly and leans her head forward to press her forehead to Catra's. "Do not ask that of me." She whispers. "I cannot."

"For love." Catra begs again. "For-"

"Do not." Adora interrupts forcefully, and a little angrily. Her blue eyes spark a little. Catra kisses her.

"Then let me fight for you." Catra attempts. Adora looks caught off guard, her eyebrows furrow in soft confusion and Catra pokes the crease in her forehead as she used to when they were children. Adora softens. "Let me wear your armour," Catra says. "The Trojans, they fear you, they run from you in battle. If they see me in your armour, they will run. I won't even have to fight, and you keep your honour by not giving into Agamemnon's demands."

"I don't like it." Adora states. Catra grips the back of her neck with her hand, forcing Adora to look her in the eyes. "How will I protect you?"

"I will be okay," Catra says. "I won't fight them, just frighten them." Adora shakes her head but Catra can tell that she is considering it. "Please, Adora, please." Adora may have done a lot of bad things in the name of war, but her heart is still soft. She looks hesitant, but then she nods slowly.

Adora begins to dress Catra in her armour. She is not as big as her, the metal of it clunks together awkwardly on Catra; it is golden, with a phoenix on its breastplate. Adora arms Catra carefully and meticulously, ensuring Catra is covered in her most vulnerable spots.

Before she places her helmet on her head, Adora grabs her by her breastplate and drags her in for a kiss. Catra kisses her back like it might be their last kiss. She threads her fingers through her soft golden hair before she pulls back.

"You must stay on the chariot." Adora orders as she places the helmet into place. "Do not fight anyone. Drive the Trojans back behind their walls and then come back to me." Catra nods as she carefully tucks her brown curls under the helmet. "Promise it." She demands.

"I promise." Catra swears. Adora pulls a mirror in front of her and presents her image to her. She is shorter than Adora, not as muscular, but the golden armour of the famed hero distracts from the little details. From across the field, to unfamiliar Trojans, to the Greeks who will only hear the name of Adora yelled, she is convincing enough.

She will strike fear into the hearts of the Trojans and force them to flee.

For context, read below (Spoilers for The Song of Achilles/The Iliad)

So in the Iliad, Patroclus convinced Achilles to let him wear his armour to drive the Trojans back after Achilles refused to fight due to an argument with King Agamemnon. This eventually leads to the death of Patroclus by the Hands of the Prince of Troy Hector, who even strips Patroclus of Achilles' armour. Patroclus is eventually returned to Achilles and Achilles is so stricken with grief that he does not eat or drink for days, he keeps Patroclus in their tent for days too, refusing to accept his death.

Achilles knows killing Hector will result in his death too but he doesn't care, he wants to die with his lover and be reunited in the Underworld with him. Achilles is driven almost insane with grief and rage, he kills Hector and dies soon after by Apollo/Paris' arrow.

Achilles had buried Patroclus before his death and left instructions to be buried with him so that they could find each other in the afterlife. His men follow his instructions and their ashes are placed in the same urn and buried together.

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1984-thebadone · 3 years

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This will be probably my last comment on Given for a long time because I can hardly be bothered anymore, completely lost my interest. I will check general storyline from a far. I just saw some comments that explains Mafuyu’s grief process and how important Yuki was and we all should be more understanding etc. This insistence as if the problem is Mafuyu’s grief. No. It is not about Mafuyu because we don’t see Mafuyu at.all. THAT has been the problem for me.

And as someone that criticize recent storylines in manga, I will explain my stance in this for the last time:

Personally, my problem was never Mafuyu’s grief or Yuki’s importance in his life. The first volumes of the manga are still my favorite and it is all about Mafuyu’s grief. But we were following Mafuyu. Mafuyu used to have a character focus and development. My criticism is, Kizu Natsuki and the fandom have focused on Yuki and his glorification so much that the story totally shifted from its axis and the backbone of the story, hence: Mafuyu and Ritsuka, then Haruki and Aki. Four guys coming together, tries to make music and found their ways in life. But at one point it just turn into who will love, glorify and NOT forget Yuki more, we are just listening him from different characters and how attached he was to Mafuyu (And I don’t forget you, Yuki’s mother, how you put the blame on Mafuyu like you weren’t Yuki’s MOTHER! You know, supposedly the responsible ADULT!!) For a while, the story is mostly about his another wonderful/perfect/glorious side that we would see for each chapter. Pay attention on the shining and sparkling Yuki panels each chapter, if not with words, we are told with visual storytelling how wonderful he was, only him, just him only. It is a must now. That is my main criticism about the manga.

The manga completely lost its focus on Mafuyu. I cannot get angry at him about anything because I have no idea how he is doing, thinking etc. Ritsuka is also a mess. We literally left their character developments at the end of first periods. Thank god, we could see a glimpse of Haruki and Aki in last chapter. Where are their character developments of these four so far? Struggles? Thoughts? Relationships between them? Mafuyu and Ritsuka about to graduate and what we see from that so far? Their daily life? Their relationship (umm they are supposed to date, you know? Yeah I remember time to time even if manga completely forgot that)

And here we are, all we think about Yuki’s song!!! Then what? What will we expect from Mafuyu now? Breaks down and cry how much he misses Yuki and couldn’t get over him so fandom could cry with him? Just like he kind of did at the beginning, after his first stage? Then what have we done in between all those years? What was the story so far? What was the development? There were/are a lot of wonderful characters with potential and we are going round and round, around the same thing and it.was.such.a.waste... is what I am saying.

I said this before, Mafuyu isn’t allowed to move on and continue with his life because Kizu and fandom haven’t. This story is not about his healing anymore, it is about his unending misery.

Eh, at least I have the first volumes of good storytelling, a developing story and characters. I can always turn back and read them when I want to read Given.

#given manga #uenoyama x mafuyu #kizu natsuki #given anime #mafuyu #mafuyu satō #given #uenoyama ritsuka #given mafuyu #mafuyu satou #given yuki #akihiko x haruki #haruki nakayama #akihiko kaji

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slaylinski · 3 years

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5 Times Something Almost Happened And 1 Time It Did

Pairing: Sam x Bucky (AU) 5+1

Word count: 8704

Warnings: angst, major character death (mentioned), grief, miscommunication, Sambucky can be absolutely idiots sometimes, mutual pining, fluff, happy ending

Prompt: Sam and Bucky are obviously in love with each other, but each secretly thinks the other is the boyfriend of their recently deceased friend (Steve) and that they should respect the bro code.

A/N: So, I recently saw that prompt on IG and since there is no fanfiction out there that covers that I decided to write one myself. Prepare yourself for some misunderstandings, angst, grieving and sambucky fluff!

btw, shoutout to @januarystears and @gwen-novella for being my beta reader and emotional Marvel supporters🥰💕

Please be aware that English is not my first language.

Bucky was looking at the tombstone in front of him, still not able to process what happened the last few days. Steve Rogers was his childhood best friend. He remembered them being 5-year old’s trying to steal some of the cookies his mother had baked; he remembered Steve calling him at 3am on a Sunday, crying and telling him about his mother‘s car accident, the one that had made him an orphan. He remembered his parents not even hesitating for a second before they took Steve in.

And now Steve was gone. And everything Bucky had left were a few memories that were already starting to fade.

Since his parents were dead not many people came to Steve’s funeral. A few friends he had met in Chicago, Bucky’s family and of course Sam Wilson.

After he and Steve had finished college, Steve had gotten an amazing job offer in Chicago and since Bucky had decided to stay in New York, they had had to adapt to not being able to see each other every day. They had still managed to see each other monthly, most of the times Steve coming to New York, since Bucky’s family, meaning Steve’s family, was still in New York as well. And every time they had visited each other Steve had talked about Sam. Every damn time. Bucky had felt like he already knew the other man. Obviously, he had been happy that Steve had found a boyfriend in Chicago.

Since Bucky was bi and Steve had been gay, they had had a few first times together. From having their first kiss with each other to some things he was not going to mention here. They had tried to make their relationship work, but ultimately decided they were better off as friends. Since then they had not really talked much about their relationships. The only thing that had mattered to Bucky had been that Steve was happy and the way he had talked about Sam had made Bucky realize that he had been happy.

“You okay, man? “ Bucky looked to his left and stared into a pair of brown eyes.

“Yeah, I am okay," he said quietly, which was far from the truth. He still could not believe that Steve was dead.

“I am Sam, Sam Wilson," Sam introduced himself to Bucky, which made the latter chuckle. “Yeah, I already know that. Steve talked about you, a lot," Bucky tried to smile but his eyes were still focused on the tombstone in front of him.

“You know, it is a shame that he never introduced us," Sam said.

“It really is, but I feel like I already know you from all the stories Steve told me about you. I am glad he had someone in Chicago who took care of him. I am sorry for your loss," Bucky felt terrible. He felt like he could not breathe, like drowning but not being able to swim to the surface.

“I am really sorry too, Bucky," Sam whispered. Bucky barely remembered the next few hours. They went to the Barnes house for a funeral service. He saw his sister Becca who tried not to cry but miserably failed, he met his parents’ eyes. His mom was silently crying, and his dad wore sunglasses, trying to hide his swollen eyes as well. To his parents it was like they had lost one of their children. To Becca and him it was like they had lost their brother. And Bucky could not even imagine how hard it was for Sam to lose his boyfriend, his significant other, the person he wanted to grow old with. However, Sam looked more pulled together, like he tried his best not to cry in front of Bucky. Which Bucky understood, it was not like they knew each other very well.

“Do you want something to eat?" Sam asked and tried to feed Bucky some of the cake that was sitting on the kitchen counter. It was one of the many cakes people had brought over to the Barnes house after they had found out about Steve’s death. Everybody had loved Steve Rogers and it was a real shock to them that he had died at such a young age. Bucky, however, did not feel like eating. He felt like sleeping. Like the kind of sleep that makes you forget reality, the one that comforts you. He had not slept for the last couple of days, he was afraid of dreaming, afraid of dreaming and waking up. Afraid that his mind was going to dream about Steve and then him waking up and realizing that it was only a dream and that he was really gone.

“No, thanks. Do you want something?" Bucky asked but Sam shook his head. It was the first time that Bucky took a closer look at Sam Wilson. He was a little bit shorter than Bucky. His brown eyes were warm, and they looked worried, and Bucky felt like Sam was as close to breaking down as he himself was but tried to hold it together. The longer he looked at Sam, the more he understood Steve when he had talked about how warm Sam's eyes were or how good his smile looked. Sam was exactly the type of guy Bucky would go for. Sam tried to comfort him, and Bucky did not understand why. It was not like he had lost his boyfriend. He had lost his best friend, which was pretty hard as well, but not as hard as what Sam was going through now.

“Sorry, I need to get out of here,” Bucky told Sam and rushed out of the house.

The Barnes house was pretty small, barely enough room for two children, but they had squeezed together when Steve had moved in. The backyard had a small garden. A bench facing the giant cherry tree Bucky and Steve used to climb up.

Bucky felt his lip tremble and sniffed. He was all alone now. Steve was gone and there was nothing he could change about that. He felt a tear slipping down his face and tried to wipe it away with his shirtsleeve, but his stupid shirt was too tight, and he could not reach his eyes, and everything was just stupid.

A few moment later his vision was blurred with tears and he tried hard not to sob. It was horrible. He had not even realized that Sam had followed him outside until he felt a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. “Hey, it’s going to be alright, Bucky,” he said and tried to calm him down. The second he noticed Sam; Bucky felt like shit. Sam had just lost his boyfriend and Bucky was out here crying and not even thinking about Sam for a second.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky looked at Sam. “I just… I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now and I-,” he tried to continue but Sam interrupted him.

“If you try to apologize for having feelings, Barnes, I am going to throw you into your neighbors’ pool,” Sam pointed to his right to the swimming pool next to them. “I’m not joking. I don’t know what Steve told you about me, but I’m a man of my word,” Sam laughed. Bizarrely, Bucky laughed as well, like a real laugh, not the ones you fake to seem polite.

“You know, he would’ve hated that,” Bucky declared.

“What? “

“Us here, moping around. He would have wanted his funeral to be party. Has he ever told you about the first years of his life?”

Sam shook his head.

“When we were younger, Steve used to be sick, like all the time. He had the worst allergies and asthma and everything you could possibly imagine. Some winters were hard, there were times when he was in the hospital for week.

Then one time he had this stupid idea to plan his funeral because somehow in his 10-year-old brain he was thinking that he was going to die. And me, being the other 10-year-old, agreed to that so we were in that chapel and he was reading a text that he’d written and playing some weird ass song he’d found on his Mp3 player and then we were all mushy and crying. A couple of weeks later he was home again. A few years after that, he got his height boost and most of his allergies were gone and he became the Steve you know,” Bucky hadn’t even realized that he was crying again but it was a weird combo of crying and laughing.

“God, I miss him so much already,” he sniffed.

“So, Steve Rogers would’ve wanted a party for his funeral? “Sam grinned, and Bucky couldn’t help but start to notice Sam’s laugh. The way his eyes crinkled and the way his whole body moved when he laughed.

“We’re going to get through this, Buck. I promise,” Sam put his arm around Bucky and patted his shoulder.

“You know, you can always call me if you want to talk,” this was the first time that Bucky saw that Sam had tears in his eyes as well. Sam quickly looked in a different direction but left his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky was not mad that Sam called him ‘Buck ‘, he felt horrible. He was a horrible person. His best friend had just died and all he could think about was how badly he wanted to kiss his best friend’s boyfriend.

Sam Wilson was fairly sure that Bucky Barnes was one of the strongest people he had ever met. He could not even imagine what it must feel like to lose his boyfriend. Well, until the funeral, Sam hadn’t been quite sure if Bucky really had been Steve’s boyfriend because even though he had known Steve for more than 4 years, he still did not remember one woman or one man that Steve had ever mentioned with as much enthusiasm as he had radiated when talking about Bucky. So, it was kind of weird to Sam that they had only visited each other occasionally and still hadn’t been living together after so many years, but he hadn’t wanted to ask why. It was not his business anyways.

Even though he did not know much about Steve Rogers’ love life, he considered him one of his best friends if not his best friend. Therefore, it was hard on him to have lost Steve so suddenly. He had never heard of somebody dying of an asthma attack. Especially someone who hadn’t had one in more than ten years. He remembered Bucky’s call and nearly dropping his phone. Bucky’s parents had been Steve’s emergency contacts, so it was unsurprising that they, and thus Bucky, had gotten notified first.

He had been in the middle of cooking dinner for him and Steve, since they were sharing a flat. It was not like they were poor or not earning enough money, it was more about not being alone and being able to save up a bit for the future. None of them minded living with a roommate, though.

After the call he had travelled to New York to attend Steve’s funeral. It was not how he’ imagined his first trip to New York and it certainly wasn’t the way he had wanted to meet the famous Bucky Barnes. After the death of Steve’s parents when he’d been a teenager, Bucky’s family had been all he’d had left.

Sam had felt a little anxious, and even though two of his and Steve’s friends, Wanda and Pietro, had come with him, he still felt like an intruder. He still could not believe that Steve was really gone.

He recognized Bucky immediately. He had seen a lot of picture over the years and even met him one time via face time but that could not have prepared him for what he saw the first time he looked into Bucky’s eyes.

Even though he was on the verge of crying, he looked like one of the most beautiful men Sam had ever seen, and the second he thought of that Sam wanted to slap himself. He felt like the worst person on earth. His best friend had just died and all he could think about was how good-looking his boyfriend was. He was going to end up in hell.

For the next couple of days Sam felt numb. Bucky kindly invited him to stay over at his flat in New York, so Sam didn’t have to bother booking a hotel room or anything like that.

Since his boss had known Steve as well but could not attend his funeral due to business, he kindly gave Sam two paid weeks off. Sam was not sure how he was going to handle going back to the flat he shared with Steve. He already felt lonely and was not sure if he could handle throwing out Steve’s stuff.

But right now, he was thinking about a lot of different things, for example about Bucky, who was sitting right in front of him, eating a bagel for breakfast.

Bucky’s flat was not what Sam expected. After living together with Steve Rogers for nearly three years, he thought that he knew the way Steve liked to live. Pretty messy was an understatement. His room looked like it belonged to a messy 3-year-old. Bucky’s flat however was completely clean. So clean that Sam would not have been bothered eating off the floor. The thought of Bucky constantly reminding Steve to put away his stuff made him laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Bucky looked at him curiously and swallowed the last bit of his bagel.

“Oh, nothing,” Sam tried hide his grin.

“Hey, that’s not fair. Tell me,” Bucky protested but he was smiling as well. The pretty smile, the one that made Sam’s heart flutter. He quickly put that thought aside.

“Well, you knew Steve better than me and when I see how clean your flat is all I can think about is how messy ours used to look.”

That made Bucky laugh as well. “You know, I asked myself the same question. Do you remember when you were on that business trip? That time I visited Steve, and it was the first time I saw your flat and I was shocked how clean it actually looked. Not that Steve was a messy, but I’m amazed how you managed to get along with him not putting his stuff everywhere.”

“Well at least he tried with you, whenever he was coming home, he just threw his jacket on our couch and went into the bathroom,” Sam laughed. `

“Yeah, he tried his best whenever he visited me,” Bucky answered.

‘Perks of being the boyfriend, Sam thought but didn’t say it out loud. He did not want to upset Bucky and tried to talk as little about Steve as possible, only referring to him when Bucky told him a story about them.

“You know what, Sam?” Bucky asked after they put away the dishes from their late breakfast. “I’m done sitting here and moping around. I need to get out of here, get some fresh air.”

“Do you have something in mind?” Sam looked at him. It was weird, even though he never met Bucky in person he felt like he already knew him. Steve used to talk about him all the time, mentioning him even when he was talking about the most unnecessary things. At first Sam thought it was cute, but after a while it kind of annoyed him. However, Bucky really was as great as Steve had described him. In the last days he got to know him and found out that he was one of the most generous and humble persons he had ever met.

“I actually do. I have been craving ice cream ever since I saw that Ben and Jerry’s commercial last night and thought that we could go to the Central Park,” Bucky suggested.

“Sound great. Let me get my jacket and I am good to go”.

They each grabbed their phones, wallets and jackets. Bucky stuffed his keys into the pocket of his leather jacket. Sam could swear that Bucky had at least five different versions of the same leather jacket in different colors.

Bucky’s flat was close to the Central Park since he lived in Manhattan. Sam was not quite sure what kind of job Bucky had but it must have been paying really well if he could afford living that close to the city. They didn’t talk much while walking to the park, but Bucky took the time to show Sam some of Steve’s favorite spots, for example his favorite coffee shop. Whenever they walked past a shop or cafe Steve used to like, Sam knew immediately because Bucky tensed up.

Obviously, Sam had never been to the Central Park in New York and he had only ever seen it on pictures so far, so he was surprised how big it actually was. There were a lot of children, parents and young people walking around. A couple of them were inline skating or even skateboarding. It was a sunny afternoon, which made for a crowded park.

“What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” Bucky asked him after they sat down on a free bench they found.

“Pretty much any ice cream flavor,” Sam laughed.

“You know, that was Steve’s answer to that question as well. He ate pretty much every flavor of ice cream I bought so I always had to hide it or buy an extra pack,” Bucky smiled but his eyes looked sad.

Sam wasn’t sure what he could do to make him feel better. And the worst was that he was still thinking about how good-looking Bucky was. “Just surprise me, okay?”

Bucky nodded and quickly walked away to the nearest ice cream van.

Sam leaned against the bank and closed his eyes. His mind was still trying to process Steve’s death. When he was younger his dad had died, and his mom had made him go to a therapist for a couple of months. The woman had told him about the five different stages of grief, and Sam was sure he was still stuck in denial. He just couldn’t imagine his life without Steve Rogers, and he still did not know how he would manage living on his own. He might get a different flat, one that was smaller.

His thoughts were interrupted by Bucky, who returned, carrying two ice cream cones in his hands. There were at least three scoops of chocolate ice cream on each one. Sam’s eyes grew big once Bucky settled the ice cream into his hand.

“I thought we might as well treat ourselves,” he only stated and started eating his ice cream.

If there was something worse than having the hots for your dead best friend’s boyfriend, it was watching his so-called boyfriend licking ice cream.

He quickly looked away and stared at the ice cream in his hand, which was slowly starting to melt.

“You know, I bought this for you so you could eat it. Not watch it melt, but you do you,” Bucky raised his eyebrows and looked at the ice cream that was slowly dripping around the cone.

“Yeah, of course. Is it a coincidence that you chose chocolate because it is Steve’s favorite ice cream or is it your favorite flavor as well?” Sam asked curiously.

“You got me there. It’s my favorite ice cream flavor, too. So now you know why I had to hide my secret ice cream stash in the freezer whenever Steve came around,” Bucky laughed.

They were quietly eating their ice cream when Bucky stood up all of a sudden and grabbed Sam’s hand. Bucky’s hand was warm, warmer than Sam had imagined. The former quickly pulled him to his feet and Sam felt himself blushing. Hopefully, Bucky didn’t see that.

“Come on, we are going to see the ducks,” Bucky shouted and ran to the lake that was in the middle of the park. Sam just laughed. Sometimes he felt like Bucky was still ten years old and not 28. He followed Bucky and found him a few seconds later, throwing the last crumbs of his ice cream cone to a little duck family that was quickly picking up the crumbs.

“You are such a child, Bucky.”

Bucky just rolled his eyes and tried to pet the small ducklings. However, the mother duck was not having that and tried to pick at Bucky’s hand. It even started to flutter towards him. Bucky let out a scream and started running to Sam. “Help me, ahh. It’s trying to kill me. Sorry duck, I was only trying to pet your babies,” Bucky exclaimed. “I wouldn’t hurt them.”

Sam was trying his hardest not to burst out laughing. He noticed a couple of other people around him who were watching them. A few seconds later he just gave up and completely doubled over. He was wheezing and already feeling the weird looks he got from the people surrounding him. Tears started to form in his eyes and that was the first time the last few days that the reason for them was not him being sad.

Bucky finally came over to him, laughing as well. “They were so cute, I just had to,” he exclaimed, and before Bucky was able to say another word, Sam grabbed him by his hips and pulled him over to him. He let his hand sit on Bucky’ waist for a short moment until he realized that Bucky was staring at him, especially at his hand. Sam felt blood rushing into his head. He probably looked absolutely flustered and he noticed that Bucky was blushing.

“Anyways. They were cute and Steve loves, I mean loved, ducks,” Bucky said quietly.

After hearing Steve’s name Sam felt guilty again. Following that awkward incident, they quickly went back to Bucky’s apartment and never mentioned it again.

Ever since Sam had left to go back to his flat in Chicago, Bucky felt lonely. He had never felt that way when Steve had left him to go back to Chicago or when his other friends visited. It might have to do with the fact that Sam was the first person who really calmed him down after Steve’s death. His parents and his sister tried their best, but they were still trying to process the fact that Steve was gone. Sam’s reaction to Steve’s death was different. It almost made Bucky a little angry, because how could he not have cared about Steve, but then he remembered that Sam hadn’t know him as well as the Barnes family. Sam might have tried to pull himself together because he had not wanted to cry in front of Bucky. The last couple of days Bucky had gotten to spend with Sam he understood what Steve had loved about him. Sam was kind, made him laugh and the best thing, he was honest to Bucky.

Bucky’s last relationships had not been exactly what he pictured. The last girl he had dated had been someone named Natasha, who he’d met through work. She was nice and pretty, but after a few months she’d told Bucky that she did not see a future with him. He wasn’t sad that their relationship ended, he was sad because it meant he was alone again.

Right then, he was sitting on his couch, watching his favorite tv show. Suits. The first time he’d watched that show he couldn’t decide whether he would rather sleep with Donna or Harvey. Seeing that he was a lawyer himself, he knew the series was nowhere close to being realistic, but he still liked it. Practicing law wasn’t exactly how he’d pictured it in college but still, it made him happy.

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone ringing. He quickly grabbed it and smiled once he saw the name displayed on the screen. Sam Wilson.

“Hey, Bucky,” Sam greeted him.

Bucky felt his chest flutter but tried to ignore it. Sam was his forbidden fruit, but he already felt like Eva ogling the red apple in garden Eden. Apparently, he and Eva would share going to hell.

“Hey Sam,” Bucky answered quietly.

There as an awkward pause.

“Something wrong?”

“Well, I don’t know if this might seem weird to you but yesterday, I was finally able to enter Steve’s room and was trying to sort his stuff and because he doesn’t have any family left, I thought you might want some of this and- “

Bucky interrupted him. “Sam, you are rambling. What do you want me to do?” he asked.

“I was just wondering if you might want to fly to Chicago and look through Steve’s stuff. Like, I know he would have wanted you to get most of his things. I understand if you are occupied with work but honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready to get rid of his things. It feels like I’m starting to forget him. I’m already starting to forget what his voice sounded like, and it’s starting to drive me crazy. And I know it’s a lot I’m asking of you and it is a shitty thing of me to cry to you about it, since he was your-,” Sam sniffed and before he could continue Bucky interrupted him again.

“To quote you, Sam: If you dare apologize for having feelings, I might throw you into your neighbor’s pool. Even though I don’t know if your neighbor owns a pool, but you get what I’m trying to say here,” Bucky could hear Sam laughing, although his voice was still a bit cracked. He sounded like he had been crying for at least a couple of minutes. Then again, Bucky would probably react the same if he’d had to sit down and sort out Steve’s stuff.

“I’m flying out to you tomorrow,” Bucky stated. He could hear Sam breathing. “You don’t have to if you have work to do or something else, I can get Wanda or Pietro to help me,” Sam said, guilt lacing his tone.

“No, you’re right. I should have thought about that earlier. It must be hard for you. Of course, I can help,” he assured Sam.

“Thanks, Bucky,” Sam replied.

“You’re welcome, Sam. I’ll text you my flight information.”

However, he did not mention that he was excited to meet Sam again. He was sure that the last thing Sam was worried about right now was finding a new boyfriend, and Bucky still felt guilty about even thinking that he had a chance with Sam. Sam had been Steve’s boyfriend and was grieving, and Bucky was selfish for thinking that Sam could like him that way.

Immediately after the phone call ended, he grabbed his laptop and started looking for flights straight to Chicago. Since it was on such short notice, the flights were way more expensive than usually, but he didn’t care about that.

The day he arrived in Chicago was rainy. The weather was characteristically bad, so he was glad that Sam had offered to pick him up from the airport. Once Bucky had grabbed his suitcase, he made his way into the arrival hall of the airport. He already noticed Sam from far away, due to the fact that the other man was waving like crazy at Bucky, which made him laugh. Sam was such a dork.

“Hey, I’m glad you made it. Thanks again,” Sam tried to carry Bucky’s suitcase, but Bucky pushed his hand away.

“I got it, thanks,” he still thought it was cute.

They walked outside to Sam’s car, talking about random things. Bucky noticed that Sam didn’t mention Steve’s name. He was probably waiting until they got home, and Bucky did not want to upset Sam any further, so he did not mention the deceased’s name as well.

Bucky could count on one hand how many times he had been to Steve’s and Sam’s flat. It was still weird to him that they did not sleep in the same bed. But after knowing Steve Rogers for nearly two decades, it was impossible for even him to sleep next to Steve. Whenever the latter had slept, he’d snored so loud that Bucky had been sure the neighbors next door could still hear him, so he did not blame Sam for having wanted a separate bed.

The flat had not changed much since the last time Bucky had been there. The walls were decorated with a lot of artwork - most of it done by Steve. While Bucky was not able to draw a straight line, Steve had been able to draw the most amazing things with only a pencil.

“You can keep some of them, if you want,” Sam commented and squeezed his shoulder.

“Yeah, that would be nice, but you should keep most of them. They’re in your home, anyway, so why should I take ‘em with me.”

Sam only stared at him in confusion.

“I guess I’ll move into a new flat once we are done here. It’s too big for me anyway. Might as well get another roommate,” Sam stated.

“Roommate?” Bucky looked at him “Aren’t you a bit old to live with a roommate?” he asked, seemingly confused. He knew Sam was nearly 3 years older than him and Steve.

“I am what?” Sam raised his eyebrow.

Immediately, Bucky felt bad. He was such an idiot. Sam had been living with his boyfriend for the last 3 years, of course he was going to feel lonely living on his own. “Nothing. Forget it. So, where did you put Steve’s stuff?”

Sam pointed to a couple of boxes that were lying in one corner of the living room. “I got rid of most of his clothes and furniture, apart from some t-shirts and hoodies. Thought you might want to keep some of these.”

Bucky’s eyes wandered to a green hoodie that was crumpled up in one of the boxes. He quickly snatched it and pressed it against his chest. It was the hoodie Steve had worn the day they had gotten their college acceptance. It even smelled a bit like Steve.

“You should keep it,” Sam mumbled, “I have so much of his stuff, and you have nothing and…” His voice started to crack.

Bucky felt helpless. He was trying to think of something that would make Sam feel better. The only thing he could think about right then was a hug.

He quickly wrapped his arms around Sam and pressed his chest against the other man’s. He could feel Sam’s breathing and heartbeat.

Sam started to calm down, still pressed against Bucky. They stayed like this for a moment until Bucky started to feel something. ‘Oh god’, he panicked. Not now. It had been a few months since he’d last had any physical contact and it was starting to show. Sam clinging and moving against him did not make things better. Bucky felt his face heating up and tried to think of a way to break out of the hug.

“You, okay?” Sam asked and quickly ended their hug. He’d probably felt something was wrong.

Bucky was still red and quickly looked away. ‘So much to not thinking about Sam in that way,’ he thought to himself.

“Yeah, everything’s alright,” Bucky just knew Sam had felt it. However, he was glad that he didn’t mention it. It was already awkward enough for him. They continued to look through Steve’s stuff and neither of them said another word.

“I am glad you are here, Bucky,” Sam whispered after a while.

“I am really glad you called me,” Bucky responded. It was going to be okay.

“What movie do you want to watch?” Sam asked and started zapping through Netflix. It had been a couple of months since Bucky’s visit to Chicago, but he and Sam had been in contact with each other nearly every day. Bucky had started to slowly crawl into Sam’s daily life, but he did not mind it. Quite the opposite. The more he talked to Bucky, the more Sam caught himself thinking about the way Bucky smiled and laughed. The way Bucky’s eyes lit up when he talked about his work or his cat, Alpine. The cat was cute. Sam remembered Bucky finding her near the trash cans in the backyard of his flat and the moment he’d seen her he’d known that she was supposed to stay with him. Just like Steve and Bucky used to do, the two chose at least one time a month to meet up with each other. That month it was Sam’s turn to visit Bucky.

Right now, they were sitting on Bucky’s couch. Bucky was on his phone trying to figure out what he wanted to eat for dinner. Alpine was cuddled against Bucky’s chest.

“I don’t care. Chose something you want to watch,” Bucky answered Sam’s question. He stroked Alpine’s white fur. The cat snuggled closer to Bucky and purred. Sam could not blame her. Bucky’s chest did look comfortable.

“Okay, then.”

It still took Sam more than fifteen minutes to find a series he wanted to watch.

“Have you decided on what you want to eat?” he asked Bucky, who was still scrolling through his phone.

“No,” Bucky let out a groan. “They have so many options. How am I supposed to choose? I want fries and sushi and pizza at the same time,” he exclaimed.

Sam laughed. One of the many things he had learned about Bucky in the last couple of months was that Bucky loved food. It was close to being an unhealthy obsession.

“Well, how about we just get something small of everything and share?” Sam offered but Bucky did not seem convinced.

“Sam, I don’t want to share,” he pouted.

“Okay, well, that’s your problem. I already know what I want to eat,” Sam crossed his arms and leaned back against the couch. It was comfortable and probably cost more than Sam’s monthly salary. He had learned that Bucky was a corporate lawyer, which explained how he was able to live so close to Manhattan. It also explained the amounts of money he was able to spend on food. The first few times, Sam had tried to split the bill, but Bucky had always protested. Sam had stopped trying after that. It was sweet of Bucky, and Sam wondered if that was the way Bucky had treated Steve as well. The more he got to know the other man, the more he caught himself falling for him. He knew it was wrong, and that Steve would probably hate him for feeling that way - he even hated himself a little bit for it - but he couldn’t change his feelings. He tried his best not to get too touchy with Bucky, but he failed sometimes.

“I want pizza.”

Sam looked at Bucky. “Are you sure?”

“Yep,” Bucky started to scratch Alpine’s belly, and the cat purred in response.

Sam shrugged his shoulders. He knew that Bucky would probably change his opinion once the pizza was here, but he still called the pizza place and ordered.

45 minutes later the doorbell rang, and Bucky stood up to answer. Alpine looked up in confusion once she noticed that Bucky was gone and started walking towards Sam. After looking at him, she decided he was worthy and cuddled against his chest. Sam patted her.

“Oh, this is so cute, I need to take a picture,” Bucky had returned with two large pizza cartons and a smaller one containing some garlic bread. Sam smiled, but the second Bucky got his phone out, Alpine jumped up and quickly walked away.

“Stupid cat,” Bucky mumbled. It was almost like she heard him because she turned her head and hissed at him.

“Great, now she’s mad,” Sam sighed.

“She’ll get over it. Here’s your pizza,” Bucky gave him his carton and settled down to eat his own pizza.

“By the way, my sister wants to finally meet you,” Bucky said after a few minutes. It didn’t take him long to finish his pizza and he moved on to the garlic bread.

“I can’t wait to meet her. Steve used to talk about her all the time. He really loved her like a little sister.” Sam didn’t know Becca personally, apart from that short meeting at Steve’s funeral, but back then hadn’t really been the right time to get to know her better.

“Yeah, he really did. She is our little sister,” Bucky mumbled, a sad undertone present in his voice. Sam wasn’t going to lie, he thought about Steve a lot, but whenever he visited Bucky or got a message from him, the thought of his best friend was pushed a little bit further back in his brain. Every time he caught himself doing that, he felt guilty. Guilty for starting to forget the way Steve’s voice sounded, for getting a smaller flat because he couldn’t stand continuing to live in the same flat, he used to live in with Steve and mostly, guilty for slowly starting to fall in love with Bucky Barnes.

He wondered if Bucky sometimes forgot about Steve, too, or if Sam was just a horrible friend. He didn’t have the courage to ask Bucky about it; he did not want to lose the closest thing he had to a best friend since Steve.

They continued to watch the series. After a while, Alpine came back from wherever she had hidden. She settled into the crook of Bucky’s arm and looked into Sam’s eyes. He almost felt caught by her. He did not really like cats; however, he made an exception for Alpine.

Shortly after the movie, Sam noticed that Bucky was snoring. He was leaning against Sam’s shoulder, Alpine still lying on him.

Sam caught himself watching Bucky for a few seconds. He looked so cute and calm and the way he was resting against Sam’s shoulder gave him goosebumps. His skin looked so soft, and Sam had to fight with himself not to touch his cheek. He decided to close his eyes for a few minutes as well.

The next morning, Sam noticed something furry on his nose, tickling him. He sneezed and opened his eyes, only to look at something white. He tried to push Alpine away from his face and started to look around. He remembered falling asleep on Bucky’s couch. He noticed that somehow during the night, Bucky had shifted and was now laying on Sam’s chest. Sam’s arm was wrapped around Bucky’s torso. He tried to shift without moving too much but failed. He looked at Bucky’s face and noticed that the younger man was still sleeping peacefully.

‘Great and now I have to pee’, Sam thought. He ran his other hand through Bucky’s hair. It was as soft as he imagined. A few minutes later Bucky’s eyes fluttered, and a pair of blue eyes started into Sam’s.

“Morning,” Bucky said with a rusty voice. It took him a while to notice that he was lying nearly on top of Sam.

“Have you slept well?” Sam asked.

Bucky nodded and stared at him so intensely that Sam briefly thought he was going to kiss him. However, Bucky quickly sat up and rubbed his eyes.

“So anyways. Do you want some breakfast?” Bucky changed the topic, already half up off the couch and on his way into the kitchen.

Sam stared after at him. ‘What the hell was that’, he thought but shook it off and quickly followed Bucky into the kitchen.

Today was the 6th month anniversary of Steve’s death and Bucky’s day had already started out shitty. Firstly, he’d nearly missed his alarm clock, then his client had stood him up for lunch and finally he’d managed to spill his coffee all over himself and had to ask his assistant to get another one. He was currently sitting in his office, staring at the framed picture in front of him.

It was a picture of him and Steve when they were younger. He still could not believe that Steve had been gone for 6 months. It felt like yesterday to him how he’d called Steve nearly every evening to talk to him about his boring day.

The only thing he was looking forward today was that he was finally going to see Sam again. Thinking about the dark-haired man made him smile. The last time Sam had visited had been kind of weird. That one morning, they’d woken up all cuddly and Bucky had nearly kissed Sam. Thank God, he’d caught himself in the last moment. Sam would have probably thought Bucky was a horrible friend, and Bucky refused to lose his newest friend to something as stupid as a little crush.

He probably felt like that because the last time he’d had sex had been back when Steve had still been alive. Yeah, that was the most reasonable explanation as to why he could not stop thinking about Sam’s lips and his toned arms. He quickly looked back at the file in front of him. It was a case about a holding company that was trying to sell one of their firms they owned. It was boring, to say the least. He tried to get it done as quickly as possible.

Finally, a few hours later, Bucky was able to close the file. He looked at his clock; it was 20 past 7pm already. His eyes widened. He was supposed to meet up with Sam at 7pm at his flat. He pulled out his phone and noticed that he had a missed call from Sam and a few text messages.

Barnes, you there?

Buckyyy

Where are you, man?

Okay, I am just going to let myself in, I know where your spare key is 😊.

Sam had added a bunch of random emojis, and Bucky smiled. Of course, he knew where Bucky’s spare key was.

Bucky packed up his things, bid goodbye to the colleagues who were still in the building and made his way home. He was pretty sure Sam was comfortable enough in the flat to entertain himself, so Bucky ended up picking some food on the way. Thai. It was Steve’s favorite food.

As he opened his apartment door, his hands full of takeaway boxes, he could already hear the TV. Once he entered the living room, he could see Sam lying on his couch. Alpine was sitting on his lap and Sam was cuddling her. It was adorable.

“Hello, person who does not live in my home,” Bucky said and walked over to place the food on his couch table.

“Well, I decided I do now.”, Sam exclaimed. “Your cat likes me better anyways. Isn’t that right, Alpine?”

The cat snuggled closer to Sam.

“Traitor,” Bucky whispered. But he was glad that Sam liked her as much as he himself did. They were a package deal.

“What is that?” Sam pointed to the food boxes.

“Food, duh. Thai. It was Steve’s favorite,” Bucky said. After mentioning Steve’s name, he noticed how Sam tensed up. Bucky decided not to comment on it; instead, he sat down next to Sam and started opening the food boxes.

“Fuck,” Sam whispered and ran his hands over his face. “I can’t believe it’s been 6 months already. How has he been dead for 6 months? I feel like it was yesterday that I talked to him, we were planning a trip to California this summer. We wanted to take my nephews to Disneyland. There were so excited and devastated when I told them we could not go anymore and cried when I told them why.”

Bucky felt his heart aching. He knew Sam had nephews.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Bucky said and put his hand on Sam’s shoulder, squeezing it in reassurance.

“I still cannot process that he really is gone. Some days I forget that he is dead, just for a short moment, and then reality hits and I feel like I just want to fold myself into a corner and cry. He was my best friend.” Bucky looked down and noticed that Sam had started to sniff.

“You know, I still get nightmares about the day you called me,” Sam admitted.

Bucky saw a single tear roll down Sam’s face and he quickly wiped it away with his sleeve. The man next to him looked so small and vulnerable. Bucky wanted to hug him so badly.

“I always wonder what would have happened if I had been with him. I should have made sure he’d take his inhaler with him. God, I am so sorry, Bucky,” he started to sob.

Bucky froze. It was the first time Sam cried in front of him. He felt helpless, the only thing that he could do was try to comfort him.

“It’s okay, Sam. It was not your fault. Steve was an adult, he should have known better than to not carry his inhaler with him, even if he hadn’t had an asthma attack in more than 10 years,” Bucky tried to calm him down, but that made Sam even more upset.

“I was supposed to look after him, you trusted me to look after him-“Sam was starting to hyperventilate.

“You did, Sam. You did. It was not your fault, and it wasn’t mine either. It was just a stupid, terrible thing to happen, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Please stop trying to blame yourself for his death,” Bucky shouted. Apparently, this was the only way Sam understood he was not responsible for what had happened to Steve.

Sam stared at him, not being used to Bucky raising his voice.

“I’m serious, Sam,” Bucky said again.

“You are way too good; do you know that Bucky?” Sam said with a weird mixture of laughing and crying. “God, I still miss him so much.”

“I miss him too, Sam, but Steve would have wanted you to move on with your life. He would have wanted us to live the best life we could possibly have. And I know that sounds harsh but please don’t blame yourself.” Bucky wasn’t sure if his words were what Sam wanted to hear. He would either think that Bucky was a total asshole for thinking that he should move on this quickly after his boyfriend died or he would agree with him.

“Yeah, you are right. He would have wanted me to move on. He would have wanted that for you as well, Bucky,” Sam answered quietly, and the next thing Bucky knew he was pressing his lips against Sam’s.

+ 1

Sam felt Bucky’s lips pressing against his own. At first, he was shocked that Bucky really was kissing him but after a few seconds he returned the kiss. He pulled Bucky closer to himself and started moving his hand to the other man’s neck. Bucky groaned and started to move closer to Sam.

It was everything Sam had dreamed about for the last couple of months and if Bucky was ready to move on from Steve, Sam was ready for that as well. They continued to kiss for a while, none of them saying a word. The sound of them kissing was the only one heard in the apartment. Sam was already starting to slip his hand under Bucky’s t-shirt when Bucky suddenly pulled away from him.

“No, no, no-,” he exclaimed and looked at Sam, both their lips slightly swollen from their kissing.

“This is wrong,” Bucky whined.

Sam could almost hear the crack his heart made the second Bucky stopped their kiss. Of course, he thought it was wrong. Steve and Bucky had been together for more than 5 years or maybe even more, obviously, Bucky wouldn’t move on so quickly.

“God I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, Sam,” Bucky looked at him with blue eyes and Sam wanted to kiss him again, so badly.

“Sorry, I just thought that… you’re right, this is not fair to Steve. God, I’m a horrible person, Steve would hate me,” Sam whispered ashamed.

“No, I’m the bad friend. I kissed you. I kissed my dead best friend’s boyfriend. I’m pretty sure they have a special place in hell for people like me,” Bucky let out a groan.

Sam looked at him confused. What the hell was he talking about?

“I was his what now?” he asked and stared at Bucky.

“Boyfriend, partner, significant other, I don’t know what you called each other, but I’m pretty sure that if there was one rule for friendship it’s that you don’t make a move on your friends’ partners,” Bucky gestured between Sam and him.

“This shouldn’t have happened,” he was out of breath and pushed his hair out his face. His cheeks were starting to get redder.

“No,” was the only thing Sam said at first. “You’re his boyfriend”, he continued and pointed at Bucky.

“Huh?” Bucky replied, still confused.

“No, you are. He always talked about you and he visited you nearly every week and-,” Sam was starting to ramble, but Bucky interrupted him.

“You two were living together?! I thought you were his boyfriend, what was I supposed to think? I didn’t assume two grown men would be living together as roommates,” he exclaimed.

“Hey,” Sam felt offended.

Bucky quickly noticed the way Sam looked at him. “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just…I thought you were his boyfriend.”

“No, I’m his best friend,” Sam answered, this time a bit louder. What the hell was going on?

“No, I’m his best friend,” Bucky mumbled, still trying to process what had happened in the last few moments.

“Wait. So you’re not in a relationship with Steven Grant Rogers, and you never were?” Sam asked slowly.

“No,” Bucky answered, though it sounded more like a question. “I mean we used to when we were teenagers, but that’s nearly a decade ago.”

“And you’re not in a relationship with Steve either, right?” Bucky added and looked into Sam’s eyes.

“Nope, and I never was.”

There was an awkward silence between them until Bucky asked Sam, “So, the last few months you thought I was grieving my boyfriend, while I thought you were grieving your boyfriend?”

It was the thing that made Sam crack. He started to laugh. Loudly. He even started wheezing, tears forming in his eyes.

“I cannot believe this. That little shit,” Sam cried out. “He never corrected me when I referred to you as his boyfriend. He knew exactly what he was doing.”

Finally, Bucky busted out laughing as well. “We’re so stupid. We could have just asked each other but instead we just assumed that the other was the grieving widower.”

Sam could feel the way Bucky was staring at him, trying to figure out what to say next. Sam, on the other hand, knew already what he was going to do next. He got closer to Bucky and kissed him again.

This time Bucky didn’t hesitate and pushed himself against Sam. “You know,” he mumbled between kisses, “We could have done that way earlier.” The complaint was evident in his tone.

“Better late than never,” was the only thing Sam answered before he kissed Bucky once more.

And somewhere out there, Steve was looking at them, smiling to himself and thinking how much of an idiot both of his best friends were.

Feel free to leave any comments or any suggestions for improvement!

Thank you so much for reading my first ever English written One Shot! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I'm really looking forward to writing more Marvel fanfiction, especially Stucky and Sambucky.

much love, your local stucky shipper xx

***

#angst with a happy ending #angst #major character death #grief #miscommunication #misunderstandings #sambucky #mutual pining #fluff #happy ending #steve rogers #fatws bucky #bucky barnes #samwilson #captain america #thefalconandthewintersoldier #tfatws

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onbeinganangel · 3 years

Text

mari horcruxes

i was tagged by two of my favourite people! @ohdrarry who shared her own portrait of the artist here and @the-starryknight who started all this in the first place with her ‘writerly ephemera’ challenge, which was inspired by a conversation in the microfic server about the ghosts of ourselves we leave behind when writing! here are some Mari things i’ve left behind on some of my fics:

“It’s almost as if the wireless is on and the french toast is frying away in the pan — the kitchen rich with the scents of cinnamon and honey — and Harry is barefoot, spinning him around the kitchen table, a warm firm hand under Draco’s t-shirt, against his bare back.”

do it again (draco/harry, 764 words, T)

✨ this is a little portrait of your typical Sunday morning in the Angel household! it's been a tradition for years now and I'm not really sure how it started but Sunday mornings are for french toast and dancing in the kitchen

“There is something about the way Draco Malfoy reacts to the gems and fossils. Something that tells Harry Draco wants to reach out and touch them, like touching them will tell him all their secrets.

Harry approaches him when he’s examining an insect preserved in amber inside a glass case. Harry doesn’t say anything, just stands there, next to Draco.”

Rebirth (Coming Home) (harry/regulus, draco/harry/regulus, 15k, T)

✨ ah, the secret is out: I am a picnic whore. the whole London day out in Rebirth is actually a nod to my first date with my now-husband (Natural History Museum followed by a picnic in St. James’ park)! in the fic the boys have their picnic in Clapham Common where I also had a lovely picnic date a few years back! and Greenwich is also mentioned by Harry as a possible picnic spot and that’s also a mention of another date I had. like i said: picnic whore. no regrets, i am a simple woman (invite me on picnic dates, pls)

“She doesn’t remember where she heard it first. It may have been one of the other girls in the dorms. May have been Fleur and Tonks, the way they’d giggle and trade stories back in Grimmauld Place while Ginny and Hermione soaked up their older girl wisdom.

The exact words were “a wank and a pint of water,” but she knows now that you can mix it up a little bit. An orgasm and a bacon sandwich will do the job just as well.”

clean (ron/hermione, 1k, E)

✨ so, anyone feel like sharing their hangover cures? haha, I personally lean towards Fleur and Tonks’ advice more than Hermione’s here. it has become a bit of a joke in my group of friends in recent years that if someone mentions they’re hungover I will immediately prescribe “a wank and a can of coke,” I don't know what the science is behind it, all I'm saying is it works

“The only thing he takes with him whenever he is away from home for longer than one night is wrapped in one of his t-shirts: a gold picture frame so small that it fits in the palm of his hand. It’s clipped shut, but when he opens it, it becomes twice as large and on one side, there’s a picture of Teddy trying to hop on a broom, falling and laughing, and on the other side there’s baby Rose dressed in a mustard yellow corduroy dress Harry bought for her when she was born, propped against a ton of pillows on Hermione and Ron’s bed.”

Aeternus Solem (draco/harry, 36k, E)

✨ i actually forgot i had written this into AS until i went looking for bits for this tag game! i own a little gold picture frame just like Harry's and i keep two pictures of my goddaughter in mine! one is of her laughing in her parents’ garden a couple of summers ago and the other one is of her as a baby, wearing a little mustard yellow dress I bought her, propped up against a ton of pillows, very much like the picture of Rose Harry has

“She pops an olive into her mouth and keeps humming around it. It’s not Chopin, is it? It’s some muggle thing. A soft folk song he’s heard before. He thinks it’s a sad song.”

Inevitable (From The Very Start) (draco/harry, 54k, E)

✨ inevitable has so many moments that are plucked straight from my life. I wrote so much of my own grief and trauma I was dealing with last year into this fic that re-reading it is at times a bit embarrassing. the pub at the beginning of the fic, Philip (knit-wearing hottie, Elton John fan, record collector, gem of a human — all true), the argument that leads to dog acquisition, and listing things as a coping mechanism are good examples. the entirety of Draco’s personality is also very much a self portrait. I picked this quote out of the Nightmare Chapter (Chapter 7) because that chapter specifically was a mix of a lot of shit I was going through at the time. the scene in the kitchen post Astoria's diagnosis is very much a scene from real life — I have a tendency to go very numb/act cool and collected in the face of tragedy which doesn't always look good on me and Draco's anger at Astoria in this chapter was a little bit like the spiderman meme: it was a part of me looking at the other part of me and going "wtf is wrong with you?". the quote i picked is a memory from when I was in hospital last year! I was very fuzzy and sad and lost and alone and I remember thinking something similar to what Draco is thinking here about a song that was playing somewhere (the tv probably? someone's phone? like i said, memory is fuzzy), and it’s just one of many Mari easter eggs I left in that chapter that was a nightmare (pun intended) to write

#writerly ephemera #tag game #m babbles

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luthienebonyx · 3 years

Text

AO3 tag game

Tagged by @mugenmine

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

150*

2. What’s your current AO3 wordcount?

919,916, though that’s not all the fic I’ve ever written. The true total would be somewhere north of 1m words.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Game of Thrones (TV) (40)

Stargate Atlantis (29)

Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling (28)

Once Upon a Time (TV) (15)

Pet Shop of Horrors (5)

Lewis (TV) (4)

HEYER Georgette - Works (4)

A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin (3)

Friday's Child - Georgette Heyer (3)

Doctor Who (3)

Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries (3)

A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms (3)

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (2)

Hawaii Five-0 (2010) (2)

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies) (2)

Angel: the Series (2)

James Bond (Craig Movies) (2)

Battlestar Galactica (1978) (1)

First Monday (TV 2002) (1)

The Queen's Thief - Megan Whalen Turner (1)

The Good Wife (TV) (1)

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) (1)

Rivers of London - Ben Aaronovitch (1)

The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien (1)

Hornblower (TV) (1)

Frederica - Georgette Heyer (1)

A Countess Below Stairs - Eva Ibbotson (1)

The Devil Wears Prada (2006) (1)

Xena: Warrior Princess (1)

Which comes to 29 all up, but getting rid of a couple of the umbrella ones, I make it 26 actual fandoms.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Personal Touch (Game of Thrones, Jaime/Brienne) A Fine Romance (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Newt/Tina) A Night to Remember (Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, Phryne/Jack) In Whisky Veritas (Harry Potter, Snape/Hermione) More Than a Memory (Game of Thrones, Jaime/Brienne)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not.

Nearly always. I view fic as part of the fannish conversation, and comments are a response to the conversation about the characters that I’ve started by writing and posting the fic, so of course I want to continue that exchange by responding. Occasionally comments get away from me because of stuff going on in my life, or I just don’t know how to reply to them so they go unreplied-to, but only very occasionally.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Of those that are still online, I’d say The Rain Keeps Falling, which is a HP story about a lot of strong emotions, including grief, and features a major character death. The angstiest ending I’ve written recently would be We seek him here, we seek him there..., which is a JB Scarlet Pimpernel AU that I should probably write a follow-up to at some point.

7. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve ever written?

I was going to say that I don’t - and then I remembered that actually I have. (What can I say? I’ve been writing for a long time, and things slip my mind. 😂) Probably the most unexpected was a pair of drabbles featuring Willy Wonka from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Count D from Pet Shop of Horrors.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Once or twice, but very rarely in 22 years of writing and posting fic. The most memorable was the vague death threat I got - probably from a fourteen-year-old who didn’t realise that phrasing their displeasure that way wasn’t the best idea - for a very silly HP fic that was written for the blame someone else challenge, and, well, they blamed me. 😂

9. Do you write smut?

I’ve been writing smut since my first fanfic in 1999. At first, I didn’t realise that writing non-smut was an option, and by the time I learned otherwise, it was too late.

But yeah, I do like using smut to dig down into the characters and find out what makes them tick, in all sorts of ways. You never know what a character might reveal without meaning to in the course of a sex scene.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

A couple of times. I’ve had multiple fics reposted without permission by an automated fic harvesting site that was trying to monetise fic and took a whole lot of fic by many people. I had to send them a C & D letter.

I’ve also had a story stolen by another fan and reposted as their own work. I think in that case they thought the story was old and obscure and so no one would notice, but it was actually old and well-known and people noticed immediately. Very luckily for me, other people went after that one and yelled at the ‘author’ as soon as they saw it, and it was taken down before I had to do anything.

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I haven’t, actually! Maybe, one day, with the right person.

12. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Weeeell, the problem I have in answering this question is that I don’t really have favourite ships. I have favourite characters, and then I have the ship that works best for me with whichever character is my favourite. I guess Jaime/Brienne is my favourite in the sense that, unusually for me, my love for both characters is almost equal.

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Xena: Warrior Princess. I stumbled into fandom completely by accident, spent a few months reading and lurking, and then decided “I could do that.” So I did.

14. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

If I’d been asked that question a year ago, I would have had a hard time answering. But now I actually do have a favourite fic of my own. It’s That Greek Thing, the fandom is Friday’s Child - Georgette Heyer, and I wrote it for Yuletide last year.

I’d been talking about writing a fic for those characters for about twenty years, but I never quite reached the point of actually writing it. I first read Heyer when I was thirteen and she was very formative for me in certain important ways. I didn’t want to try to write in her world if I didn’t think I could do it justice. So this fic was a VERY long time coming, and when I finally wrote it, it turned out to be sort of the ultimate fanfic for me. It was VERY hard to let go after it was done. It’s exactly the story that I so wished someone would write for those characters - which is really why I write fanfic at all, when it comes right down to it.

* The font is huge without the asterisk. I don’t understand this hell site.

Tagging: @samirant @robotsdance @firesign23 @albatrossisland @schweetheart @blatheringbluejay @woodelf68 and anyone else who wants to do it

#memes #writing #luthien's fanfic

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