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#disordered eating and PTSD stuff in the tags

anon-secrets-spilled · 2 days

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Welcome to this confessions blog!

It is currently under construction!

Purpose of blog:

1. To vent or talk to someone/ the void n feel heard

2. Let out burdensome secrets and confessions to be free of them

3. Vent about mental health struggles, life struggles, anything rlly

4. To write confrontational letters or vent letters or anything u need to say to someone to let them know how u feel

5. Total anonymity (pls also change names in submissions/ asks to protect ur privacy as well as theirs)

Rules & guidelines:

1. If you want a submission not to be anonymous, please just say so and I will post the submitted post

2. If there are specific tags or mental illness tags you want me to put with your submission let me know. I will add trigger warnings as I see fit.

3. Please refrain from putting anyone’s personal information in your asks or submissions. If you do I will redact that information from the submission or choose to not post the ask.

4. Don’t fight with or dispute other people’s experiences that they may submit that may end up on the blog

5. If you have a specific signature, that’s fine so long as it’s unclaimed at that point.

6. If you don’t want it posted publicly or want your submission or ask to be deleted or privately posted just make sure to state that in the submission/ ask.

Thank you I hope you have a wonderful day ♥️

Disclaimers:

I am not a professional and I would recommend seeking out a professional mental health specialist for help diagnosing or treating any mental illness concerns.

I am just a regular person running a blog bc I needed an outlet like this and figured others might too

My confession:

Some of these anonymous asks are in fact my own personal vents and confessions. I created this space bc I needed it and I wanted it to be available for anyone else who may have the same need.

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hollyhomburg · 10 months

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Before I Leave You (Pt. 56)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: In the wake of Namjoon’s rut you and Hobi try to get yourself back on even footing, if only his co workers weren’t so...creepy towards you.

Tags: Depression, anxiety, ptsd, hurt/comfort, fluff, excessive babying, courting, omegaspace, mommy kink, Mommy! Tae, nipple play, m/c sucks on tae’s tits for mental health reasons, Non-detailed sexual content, mentioned omegaspace sex, discussions of past abuse, discussions of mental health issues, eating disorder recovery, implied self-harm

W/c: 9.7k

A/N: LISTEN, i know the nipple play stuff might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it reads very comforting if you’re willing to give it a chance. That being said it may go further into the realm of mommy kink than some of you are willing to go and toes the line into extreme kink as it highly sexualizes Tae’s brests and the m/c in omegaspace. It's not really nursing per say cuz there isn’t any milk involved, but the m/c does suck on tae’s breasts to soothe herself.

I tried to make it as ‘skippable’ as possible it’s under the section ‘Tae, sometime at night’ I firmly encourage you to skip it if you feel the need too.

Previous Chapter - Masterlist

(16 days post rut. The day after Halloween, Yoongi)

Yoongi lets out an inhuman screech.

He’s holding his sweater in his hands, nude from the waist up interrupted by his changing. Staring at you open-mouthed while Jungkook rolls in the remnants of your nest. Remnants- because you honestly hadn't put it together much after Namjoon's rut.

You’ve been spending the last few weeks slowly bringing everything upstairs, alternating between sleeping spots, not a single one of them still feels right. The pack had kept their mattress in the living room, but yours they'd moved back. Last night you spent your first night upstairs with Jimin, Jungkook, and Tae. Four pups all cute and nesty with the rest of the Halloween candy between the three of you in multicolored bowls.

Yoongi had gotten to watch as you all giggled and completely abused the projector he’d installed for a movie night of the Addams family and some horror movie that you'd changed in the first 15 minutes.

There are more and more moments where he gets to appreciate his hard work these days and he savors them whenever he can. He’d been a little worried that the bed would be too big or too small but it looks just the right size. Just enough space for the others.

After you’d fallen asleep, he’d carefully tiptoed around you and removed the bowls of candy, kissing each of your heads like a special spell to guard your dreams against monsters and cousin it.

Now Jungkook grins up from the last little bit of the nest that’s still down here, hugging a pillow to his chest, “I knew something happened.” It’s not often Yoongi squeaks, like a cat suddenly picked up, heart all in a tizzy just thinking about it.

“What do you mean you and Hobi kissed? And you didn’t tell me!?”

You go red ear to ear, “It wasn’t-I don’t even think he meant to do it- it wasn’t like a kiss kiss-“

“Ahh,” Jungkook drags out the syllable. Reaching for your hand and tugging you to sit. Closer, because Jungkook’s wandering fingers have half a mind of their own. You look so good- have been honestly glowing a bit since Namjoon’s rut, something about the health of you that makes him want to touch more and more.

His fingers dig into the meat of your thighs appreciatively and you squirm away, “Heat of-the-moment kisses are so hot- not to mention first kisses.”

Yoongi sits on the edge of the bed. Knees pulled together. “Tell me everything.”

Yoongi has always been terribly involved in your dating life in the beginning you'd gushed to him about every new kiss. The ones with Jk, a memory now as he drags his mouth up your waist, resting his cheek against the curve of your hips and smiling up at you. The one with Tae in that dressing room, your first soft moments with Jin and Namjoon. Everything. The fact that he hadn't heard about this one immediately after the fact stings only a little,

The rest is clouded over with excitement.

Hobi had initiated kisses. He’d been the one to break first.

Yoongi remembers how their relationship began with coyly phrased jabs said over dusty records not long after he'd broken up with his last pack and moved in. When they’d gone from best friends to sort of roommates and started spending almost every minute together.

Yoongi liked Hoseok. Just liked him. Liked seeing him smile. Heart skipping beats and saving them for him. Spending hours standing just far enough apart with some sleazy jazz playing over the loudspeakers and Hobi’s lips all mischievous. Their first kiss hanging there, on the edge, just where Yoongi could see it but not have it just yet. Teasing him endlessly.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were flirting with me Hoseok,"

"You'll know when I'm flirting hyung."

Hobi had turned off the jazz and turned on Yoongi’s favorite music instead and Yoongi had been substantially wooed just by that.

Hobi had been shy with the rest of the pack. Freer with Yoongi he said, because he always knew where he stood with him. Not like with the other alphas where Hobi had to worry about showing his throat or not- or Jungkook and Jin- where he had to worry if he has too dominant or not dominant enough. Their firsts had felt truly new, untied of expectations. Just loving. None of the other stuff.

Sometimes, Hobi still feels this way.

Now Yoongi watches you and knows how it feels, the way your eyelashes flutter as you look down and away, flopping back against the nest scent going sweet with the memory of it. "I bet it was so hot-" Koo chimes kicking his feet when he rolls onto his tummy and continues to pinch at your thighs, hand sliding up gradually under your baggy pajama shorts. Tickling the hairs there.

"Hobi’s such a good kisser too-“ The omega swoons and your belly swoops at the sound.

Yoongi licks his lips, trying not to think of it.

"It wasn't hot, it wasn't anything-" But the blush on your cheeks tells a different story. You groan, hiding your face in your hands. "I shouldn't have said anything." Yoongi gently pries your hands away from your face. His heart is racing a mile a minute like it's his first kiss and not yours.

"Even if it was something, I’d still be happy sweetheart.”

You bite your cheek; I just want to know if he regrets it. “I can’t ask him about it or I’ll make it weird.” You whine.

Jungkook’s fingers press into your chin, he looks awfully devilish, hair damp from a shower, his classes for the day passed. “You’ve been thinking about it a lot. That’s why you’ve been so quiet.”

You flush, but not for the reason he thinks.

The truth is you’ve been spending a lot more time on your own these days, painting the back-room space and finding excuses to head upstairs when everyone’s home, or downstairs when everyone goes up. There’s no reason. You tell yourself there’s no reason but-

Sometimes it’s hard, being sad without a cause. A gnawing emptiness like there's no point in enjoying anything anyways when sooner or later the rug will be yanked out from underneath you. A sense of a foreshortened future. An end that is simultaneously ridiculous to consider and yet nearby like a shadow in the corner of your eye that isn't there- not really.

Maybe it would be easier if you and Yoongi weren’t mated yet, and you’d have had that to look forward to. You’ve been thinking about mating marks a lot recently. Spending long hours looking at yours in the mirror, fingers hovering over the glass when you pull back blocking out parts of it with your fingertips. The parts that Geumjae left that you’ll never be able to quite get rid of.

You asked Jin about his and Namjoon’s the other day- but the omega had only sighed and told you not to worry about it.

You eagerly snap up the excuse handed to you now. It's better having them assume than explaining the real reason to them. For the most part, they believe you. Like there isn’t that taught line of something running through you like the very essence of you wants to snap. A discomfort at being happy.

A feeling like maybe, you don't deserve it.

If there is anything you deserve it’s certainly not Hobi’s smile when he comes home and asks you if you’ll help him move a few more plants in from outside. “You’ve got a good eye” he tells you. “I swear without you and Tae this place would look like a bachelor pad”

Hobi hasn’t been avoiding you since the rut but maybe it would be easier if he was.

He’s no less likely to ask you for late-night car rides, no less likely to bump shoulders with you playfully over dishes or offer you his headphone when he found you dozing two nights ago on the outdoor furniture. Your big blue blanket wrapped tight around your shoulders to keep out the fall chill.

He’d even accepted you when you held back the edge for him to get under. The warmth from his body trapped by it and transferred to yours as you talked. Mostly about Hobi’s job; his plans to leave early and help manage a specialty order from the city; nearly three thousand burgundy roses for a fall wedding.

“How do you even fit that many into a car?”

“Very, very carefully”

Last night as the pack had handed out Halloween candy, He’d been giggly and close. Eager to pick your favorite candy out of the bowl of bulk-bought candy bars and set them aside for you. He’d even given you a pair of little devil ears, similar to the halo on Tae’s head, a vision in a light pink dress that she’d been just itching to wear. The only one truly dressed up, the only one with the energy to go all out.

The fabric was soft and silky with cutouts for her body, which had you looping your hands around her waist at every available opportunity and maybe kissing places hidden when you’d helped her undress later, hands sneaking underneath the fabric just to touch.

No one had time to plan their outfits or decorate the house because of Namjoon’s rut. You improvised with eyeliner lined and drawn whiskers on Yoongi’s cheeks, grumbling half-heartedly as Tae dotted his nose with bright pink blush and attached a pair of cat ears to his head.

The one person who hadn’t escaped Hobi’s costumes was Noddle, hissy in his little black and yellow bee costume, you’d given him tuna as a special treat. The neighborhood kids had ooohd and ahhed at him in the window, grumpily guarding your house from any intruders.

It’s funny, noodle only hisses at the people dressed up as other cats.

Independent from your musings, your packmates hover on the edge of the bed. “who says you can’t ask him? Just talk to him-“ Yoongi tries to convince you.

"We can ask him for you!" Both of them pop up, their eyes all wide, matching black heads all fuzzy, your mate bobs his head, the picture of polite eagerness.

"Oh fuck no- You'll do no such thing-"

“Come on, let us play matchmaker with you."

A loud ring interrupts your conversation, coming from deep within the confines of your nest. It’s Yoongi's phone- discarded. Jungkook grins as he answers for him, smirking all the while.

"Hyung! We were just talking about you- No it's fine, Joonie forgot his lunch too-" Jungkook playfully shoves away Yoongi’s hand reaching for his phone. He pauses as Hobi says something on the other line.

Jungkook’s grin is nothing if not scheming.

"Yoongi's busy right now," he licks his lips, eyes on you. Yoongi is certainly not busy, the only thing he had planned for today was bringing Namjoon his lunch, another stop is hardly too much.

"But Y/n's free, I’ll have her drop it off. Bye, hyung. Love you too hyung."

~-~

Hobi is drawn to the front room of the flower shop because it’s his break time, someone forgot the last box of roses out back, and also because one of his coworkers is shouting again.

It's a semi-normal occurrence by any standard of measurement, but still, the sound of his shrill voice shouting in protest is just as grating as the feeling of dirt under Hobi’s fingernails.

They're sensitive and pricked too, he's spent the better part of the morning prepping the red roses, bundles, and bundles of them. The last one

He pauses, ignoring the commotion for as long as he can to take a sip of water, The cold drips down his throat, soothing the heat there. It might be cold at night but the lot out back is still unforgiving in the autumn sunlight, the occasional breeze telling stories of knit blankets and cozy sweatpants that Hobi will need within the month. He can’t wait for it to get colder.

The flower shop is structured in layers. The breakroom with the cubbies, a dilapidated old fridge, and a small table directly off the lot. A narrow hallway connects it first to the stock room and then to the counter and the retail space out front. The commotion comes from the stock room. The sound of a box falling over with a loud clang and then the softer sound of people arguing in hushed tones.

Three of his coworkers- two of which are the same ones who don't like him- shove each other to get through the door. One holding around the other middle.

"No, I've got this one-" Hobi stoops to pick up a roll of orange-red ribbon, half unrolled on the dusty floor.

"Come on- I took the granny for you this morning you owe me-"

"You're an omega, Felix."

"So? Like being a horndog is a uniquely alpha affliction?"

"Too late!" The third one darts through the door. Unencumbered by the other's scuffle. Tossing a kiss over his shoulder at the other two. Their frustrated groans resounding a hissed whisper. "Chan! You've already got an omega you don't need two-”

At his appearance, both of his coworkers straighten up. "What’s all the fuss about?" he asks with a tired sigh. Not that he really wants to make conversation with them about what client they're thirsting over this week. Hobi has never joined in with them, their near-running commentary on who comes into the shop.

“A pretty client.” It's nothing new, but what is new is the way that Hyunjin rolls his eyes and scoffs.

"Pretty is not a word reserved for the hottest omega I’ve seen this year- she looks like Kate Moss and Zendaya had a love child with an angel-" he swoons, Hobi sighs and pushes through them to put the ribbon back on its holder. They probably knocked it off in their scuffle, his two coworkers practically fall through the door after him.

Hobi blinks.

It's just you, standing in the doorway looking at the hanging epiphytes and other little suncatchers that hand in the flower shop windows. You’re wearing one of Tae's big sweaters that fall to your upper thigh and a pair of semi-translucent leggings. When your hands go up to touch a suncatcher Hobi can tell you’re wearing shorts underneath, but the implication that you might be not is still there. There’s A little bit of flour on your front from whatever you were baking today.

The first thing he notices is a band-aid on your finger.

His sleazy coworker lays it on thick, leaning over your shoulder, grinning from ear to ear. You don’t seem to realize that he’s snuck up on you. Hobi watches as you flinch and step back, clutching a small pink package to your chest. Turning around quick.

Hobi swallows back a growl. Instincts grating.

"Can I help you find anything beautiful?” he drawls, casting you a dazzling grin that Hobi's sure has gotten him many first date.

"I was just-" Hobi drops a bouquet of roses into a nearby bucket with a loud thud. Your eyes shoot up, and Hobi sees the visceral way your shoulders relax, the way you instantly brighten.

"Hey! I got your lunch."

Hobi's coworkers splutter. Gazes darting between you and Hobi like they can’t make sense of it. “What?!" One of them hits him on the shoulder playfully like they're friends and Hobi's jaw ticks. "Yeah, Hobi what the fuck-"

Hobi's fingers are still on the roses as he looks at you, he doesn't tear his eyes away for a second, "She's my newest packmate," they've got a good sense to be embarrassed to try and recoup the situation.

“Oh- we didn't think Hobi could have such pretty packmates."

Oh, you don't like that one bit.

Your switch flips, Hobi sees you make the conscious decision to turn on the part of yourself that can be very charming, that makes his alpha ask ‘how high?’ if you even think about asking him to jump. You're very good at playing this game, encouraging their instincts out in just a few words.

You step closer looping your arm through Hobi's (He swears he won't be thinking about it later, how you push your body up against his just so, the faint warmth of your chest surrounding his upper arm, your fingers weakly tangling through his) You tilt your mating mark into the light so that they see it. tucking your hair behind your ear like you’re shy. your sleeve falls down, leaving your scent gland open to the bear air.

"You've obviously never met Jin then.” You pout up at him in mock distress, making it as cute as possible. “but- I would have thought he'd have told you all about me what with the car I gave him."

Hobi doesn’t believe your sudden sniffle for a second even though his face heats. And renewed incredulity hits their faces, near devastation that their written-off coworker has a packmate like this.

You blink back faux tears, “Did you not like it?” there is nothing cuter than a pretty pouty omega near crying because they think they've disappointed their alpha. Nothing that tugs on their instincts quite like this.

The men blink dumbly. This creature- is surely representative of another life, one that they hadn’t imagined for their coworker. Surely when they called Hobi a sugar baby, this isn’t what they had in mind.

"He talks about it so much!"

"I swear everyone slows down when they see it which is why the boss lets him park it out front."

"It's a really pretty car like really pretty," Felix says, eyes definitely not on your face but oh well.

Hobi grasps his little lunchbox hard, wrapped up in one of Tae's pink patterned silk scarves. Too intimidated to respond. You have them wrapped around your fingers in just a few words.

"Show me the flowers?" you offer, clearly done conversing with them, Hobi takes the easy out without a look in his coworkers’ direction.

The slick of the refrigerator doors slides close, blocking out the three of them clearly peering in. Your closeness is disguised by the condensation on the glass. Let them think something more of the way you stand close.

The mask falls in a second and where one moment you’d looked forcefully cute, the next, you just look tired.

"You're a menace."

You huff, wrapping your arms around your waist. "Only when I need to be"

"You didn't have to do that." He says because he doesn't know exactly what to say. How to express that he’s thankful without making it weird. Now that you've stepped away from the others there’s something vaguely wilted about you, something still. He’s noticed the last few days, since Namjoon’s rut if he’s being honest.

The truth is, nothing's been normal after Namjoon's rut.

The first day after Namjoon’s rut you’d avoided each other's company like the plague, fielding Namjoon’s numerous apologies and in general clingy behavior. But after a day or two you'd reached an unspoken agreement to just forget everything that had happened just like Jimin and Tae.

(That's a lie. Jimin and Tae have slept on opposite sides of every bed they've slept in in the last week.)

Hobi’s not sure why he thinks that there's something wrong, why he finds himself watching you and waiting. Measuring your plate at dinner for maybe the first time in weeks. Watching you when you cook, just…. keeping an eye on you in a way he might not have before.

Is it just him, or have you seemed less interested in cuddling and nesting as usual? There's something in you that just wants to get the nest in the upstairs over and done with and back to normal. Hobi had watched while he'd helped bring the countless blankets up there, every one of your movements rehearsed and perfunctory.

And yesterday, he’d walked into your room (your old room he should call it) And found you and Yoongi deep in conversation, sitting on the edge of your bed. And when Hobi had asked Yoongi had just said, “We’re gonna keep the nest in here for a few more days.” You'd ended up turning your bed around and tucking it into the wall by your dresser, making room for Tae's makeup desk.

At first, He thought that maybe he’d hurt you with his leaving. That you took it as an ultimate rejection of not only your friendship but your presence in the pack. But it seems like you’re as determined as he is to keep things as they were before. To act as though your relationship is just as it was. Just this. packmates that bring each other lunch and give each other cars and definitely step closer to make Hobi's nosey coworkers a little jealous.

Strange. All of it feels strange like deja vu. There’s a familiar stillness that he hasn’t seen in you in months really, not since late spring. Since before you started talking again only this time he's seeing the process in reverse.

You tap the lunch box with your fingertips, a faint flush coming to your cheeks, “Yoongi made it for you, not me.”

“Does it matter?” you flush harder, skin heating under his raised eyebrow,

“Yes.”

Hobi thinks your hands might be shaking a little bit when you gesture to the shelves piled high with flowers and buckets. "Which ones are your favorite anyway?" you ask, classic misdirection.

A few weeks ago Hobi had convinced his boss to order the flowers by color and not type to make arranging and picking out designs easier. Granted, Hobi is her most talented employee and the one she trusts most to handle their big-budget items like weddings and funerals so it was a relatively short argument.

This refrigerator is a mess of cream pinks, whites, and yellows. The big dinner plate-sized sunflowers hovering around your knees, and the dusty roses at the ceiling.

He points at the simple daisies, is it just his imagination, or do you make your giggle just a little bit louder, leaning into his arm. Hobi swears one of his coworkers is going to burst a blood vessel with how hard he's trying to contain his screech of indignation. You just grin and roll your eyes.

“Are you trying to make my life easier or harder?” He can’t stop his smile though, no matter how much he wants to.

“A bit of both probably.” You lean in close, the way an omega would to an alpha they were flirting with. Let them wonder what we’re saying, let them wonder what I mean by this. Your fingers dance over a nearby bucket, skimming the velvet soft blooms, “I would have pinned you for a Lily type of guy."

Hobi fingers one of the long stems, playing with it too. "Nah, these are Jungkook’s favorite, not mine." Hobi's shy when it comes to you, but still, he musters up the courage to take a spare bloom of daisy and tuck it behind your ear.

"As a thank you, for my lunch. Jungkook shouldn’t have made you come all the way here."

You shrug, "It’s no big deal. I- ugh- i put a few chocolates in there, the coconut ones." You might have noticed Hobi grabbing some last night, and he gravitated toward those in the big bowl of Halloween candy. Seeking out the little blue packages.

"I like those," he says, but you already know that.

There’s a loud crash, and when you look back Hobi’s coworkers have knocked one of the dysplays over in their quest for a better vantage point. they scramble to put it back together and look busy like they weren’t watching you.

Chan gives him a thumbs up and Hobi scoffs.

“I’m sorry for them.” He says, “They’re kind of always like this,” his jaw ticks. Some alphas have no manners.

You shrug, “It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before. Are those the same ones that say shit about you behind your back?”

“Yes.”

You hesitate for a moment, standing toe to toe with him. “We should give them something else to talk about then.” Hobi’s hands are hard on the lunch box.

You step closer. Your worn boots brushing his sneakers as you lean up on your tippy toes. The scent mark looks more intimate that it is as you lightly drag your cheek down Hobi's neck. You know how to make it look sensual.

His caramel scent and your baked one together smell like flan or maybe something vaguely that belongs in the family of a Snickers bar, sparking hot and heady. Filling the refrigerator with it and the smell of flowers. He catches your waist, alarmed but not entirely displeased.

It has the desired effect.

Hobi sees the other alphas, the way their egos deflate. Tail tucked between their legs. Immediately looking dejected. Hobi barely has time to process your hand threading through the hair at the back of his neck, the way you sway closer before you're darting away.

He catches you just before you pass back through the refrigerator doors (you should know better than to run from an alpha, there's hardly anything more exciting than the prospect of a chase). A real giggle fills the small space making the other 3 perk up. Hobi can’t stop himself from smiling even if he feels a little dizzy.

He catches your hand, tugging you a little bit back. “Hang out with me? Later?”

The stillness in you eases just a little, and your smile is twice as bright as the sunflowers. “Sure.”

He lets your hand go even though he doesn't want to, even though you could eat together. He imagines it; sitting in his car, Yoongi’s parked out front, you in his passenger seat having a few of those chocolates. But you have no reason to stay and keep him company through his lunch break.’

Hobi is too shy to ask.

Before you pass through the door you pause, looking at the suncatchers that hang by the windows again. Reaching out a finger to touch one so that rainbows swirl through the room. The sun's light misdirected to spill and swirl in a dizzying display of color. The door clangs closed with a faint jingle.

He sets his hand over the back of his hot neck. Heart thundering, something in his instincts relaxes by having you out the door and away from his other...competitors. They instantly descend on him, badgering him with countless questions.

“I didn’t know you could pull like that hyung," "How did you even meet?" does she have a sister?" "Does she have a favorite type of nesting supplies?”

Hobi shoots that last one a glare. "I think she's got everything she needs in that department." he says tightly.

He’d have thought your mating mark would be enough of a deterrent. The fact that it isn’t makes him even more annoyed if that's possible. They don’t get a single answer out of him- just the freezer door closed and locked in their faces. He sits there to eat his lunch, glaring at them through the foggy doors.

When he opens his lunchbox, he sees that you've shoved 7 chocolates into a space that should only logically fit 5. Rows of sliced meat and a dollop of sauce over rice in the shape of a heart. A sandwich just the way he likes it, cut-up fruit too, probably a whole pint of Strawberries cut into little hearts.

(The other alphas don't stand a chance.)

~-~

(Tae, Some time later)

Autumn brings with it lazy nights and the need for more blankets. You often find yourself curled up on the couch in Tae's room. Alternating between watching the autumn rain drip from the eves, going on tic-tock, napping, and watching Tae work at her desk. Sometimes on work nights, she's got her hair set into little pin curls, or a face mask on.

It's kind of silly that you can spend just hours watching her but you are that in love.

Her typing is gentle, a companion to the pitter-patter of the rain and the tv in the other room. Someone talking, someone showering, the faint thump thump thump of your heart, noodle meowing to be let in from outside, homey domestic and Awfully lonely.

It’s silly, you shouldn’t feel alone with Tae right there.

You stir sometimes, stretching your feet out and yawning. Cheek resting on the pillow. "I can shut the light if you want" Tae says, recognizing the feeling like she's being watched. She doesn’t turn because she knows it's you.

"No, I'm not tired" but the slow rising of your chest says something different. You've let the blanket slip off of you a little bit, folding your body onto her small couch fitting just barely. She rolls herself over to you to fix it and tuck it around your feet. Then goes back to writing.

"You've been typing one thing for a long time now”

Tae hums, agreeing. Pausing for a second and going back to delete one sentence and replacing it with another before her cursor moves on stepping in time with the clack of her fingers. She's gone with a shorter manicure this time to make typing easier, smooth little almonds that flash like fish scales. Pretty and pearlescent.

“You were writing the same thing yesterday and the day before that too. Is it a story?" you ask. Tae likes how you always ask that first, is it a story or a poem, by stanza or by prose. Which part of your soul are you working on today? is it more comfort or a bit of hurt?

Her fingers hesitate, "it is." She admits. “I’ve got like, maybe 30,000 words of it written already but yeah, it’s a story.”

“You don't write stories often."

she tips her head in agreement. "What could I add to the world you know? there are so many good books out there," she sighs heavily, "But-" she trails off, eyes full of faraway faces and a love that maybe feels a little bit like yours and Hobi’s. She always was better at catharizing her emotions about their relationships by comparing them to others. Namjoon and Jin are all Claire and Jamie. Yoongi and Hobi Westley and Buttercup.

But You and Hobi are something different. Maybe she took hobi's advice and found another outlet for her feelings about you two rather than get involved. then again, the main male character is actually a lot more like jungkook sometimes when he speaks.

Bits and pieces of Tae’s loves and muses are all over the story, but the main character? She’s all you.

"What's different about this one?" You ask, hair spilling over your shoulders in an uninterrupted tangle that has Tae itching for a brush. You'd tried her pin curls out a few nights ago but had complained about the pinching so Tae quiets the part of herself that wants to use you as her own mini dress-up doll.

"Usually my emotions are brief, but" she presses her palm to her chest, "I have all this pain here. All of this pain and all of these thoughts and I don't think I know what to do with it besides write it down." You pull yourself up and closer to her, phone slipping out of your lap and sliding onto the carpeted floor. But Tae’s smile is already comforting even if it is a little sad.

She wheels herself over again and presses her lips to yours, your needy fingers almost instantly find her waist, the way you grab at her when you want to cuddle. Tae knows your body language so well.

"It’s not something you can make better darling," she says, and she means it, the way she looks at you means she means it. "But I think- I think giving it to other people might make it better, a little."

You lean your cheek into her palm, sleepily sighing. "What’s it about?"

Tae launches into the beginning, and the rest is history. She talks about her own story the same way that she talks about the books she reads. Fast and excited, like it's right there in front of her eyes on a movie screen.

“It starts with a library- only it’s not like a normal library. This library is kind of magic-”

~-~

(Namjoon, 7 days after rut)

In the wake of Namjoon's rut, all of the alphas have been feeling their instincts a little more keenly; this has expressed itself in only one behavior one that you didn't think you'd see the return of after it had sort of calmed down at the beginning of your relationship.

You don’t know how to feel about the fresh return of the courting presents.

But with the nest upstairs, you suppose that you don't mind the veritable collection of new nesting pillows, blankets, and specially made Egyptian cotton sheets for your Alaskan king-sized mattress- courtesy of Jimin. In a variety of colors of course; black for his preference, and pink for Tae’s.

Namjoon doesn't like being one-upped by anyone. Although his gift takes several more days to arrive and set up. (Yoongi stayed up the night before with Namjoon to help set it up because Namjoon is notoriously bad about any sort of home improvement let alone when there's an Allen wrench and six pages of instructions involved)

You giggle as Namjoon's fingers tamp over your eyes. He almost steps on the back of your heels with how close you're walking. "Here, there's a wall" You reach out and help him lead you so that the surprise isn't spoiled. Bright shafts of light slip through his fingers.

"Joonie-"

"Here, step down- there you go pup. Here-"

Namjoon takes his hands from your eyes and resists the urge to bounce up and down, your wide blinks, your suddenly sweet scent all of it, soothing to the cloying discomfort of instincts not expressed in his chest. Lips parted into a cute little oh.

You're in the backroom, the last coat of paint was finished yesterday and the pack has gone to work putting it together with the new velvet green couch and many of Hobi's plants. But what you don't expect is the item just left of the door.

The nesting couch, or more correctly nesting pod has high walls that peak at the top somewhat like an onion. The interior of it is upholstered with smooth non-irritating fabric and a thick cushion at the base and up part of the walls. a soft little bowl almost like a human-sized dog bed (a pup bed).

A small dark soft space, perfect for nesting. With a little curtain that you can zip closed, that should enswathe you entirely in darkness. The interior of it is Piled high with a new duvet and more than a dozen new pillows (all freshly scented) like a bowl of colorful candies. Some of them are vaguely stuffed animal shaped and a few actually are stuffed animals.

You blink down at the croissant and the cake, the disembodied blueberry.

“Jungkook might have helped me pick them out, he went a little over the top.” Namjoon rubs at the back of his neck. “It’s rut or a” he coughs, “first knotting present, I guess. As a thank you and an I’m sorry for biting you present.” Namjoon shifts back and forth, feeling vaguely nauseous but in a love-sick sort of way. “Do you like it?”

Nesting nooks are expensive gifts, this one alone must have been several thousand dollars. Although Namjoon's anxiety ticks higher as you continue to not say anything. Staring at it and blinking like you can’t believe it’s there. “I thought you could maybe, use a bit of space because of the upstairs, I know you’re used to nesting on your own.” Yoongi had told him about your need to keep your downstairs nest still set up. You know the second the sentence slips past his lips that they've talked about it, that Namjoon’s worried.

It's nothing personal you just, you feel like you might need a little spot, like Tae does for her library room, a little spot that's just yours. A spot for you to be quiet

And Namjoon's just given you it.

Your mouth twists and Namjoon tilts your jaw up to his so that he can duck in close and nose along your hairline. "Hey I didn't mean-"

You take the nearest cushion and crush it to your chest, this one the shape of a graham cracker. "I love it." Your gaze darts away, heart in your throat. "Can I? Try it out?"

Namjoon steps aside hastily, watching as you ease inside it. Pulling yourself into the dark cavern. it’s soft and comfy. protected in a way that has you instantly feeling hazy. Quiet and mostly scentless, the noises from outside Dampened, the feeling of everything butter soft beneath your fingers.

It's so safe here.

You start to knead a pillow, softly, the way that noodle might. Flopping over onto your side. Back against the cushion wall. Rolling a little in it. And a slow purring slowly fills the room, soft and first, and then stronger. You rub your scent across the border, making it smell like yours.

Namjoon drops to his knees and watches you. when he sticks out his hand you nuzzle into it, cheeks pink, scent omegaspace sweet. you chirp happily and he smiles down at you.

“There you go pup.”

~-~

(Tae, sometime at night)

(Content warning)

Namjoon isn’t the only one who's gotten you courting gifts recently.

Tae presents yours to you with pink cheeks, the small rectangle pretty when you unwrap it, green warn fabric, and embroidery on the cover.

It’s a copy of Alice and Wonderland, delicately illustrated with watercolor splotches of characters on every other page. It smells like vanilla the way that Jimin smells like vanilla, the musk of it soft and smooth.

The next time you get small and pupish Tae reads to you, her soft voice lulling you into a softer, smaller headspace. So fuzzy that you can’t feel your toes, mind dumbly repeating ‘mommy, mommy mommy’ with little else on your mind.

Page after page of pictures that your wide eyes follow without so much as a word, small whines when Tae pauses to see if you’ve fallen asleep yet tell her everything she needs to know about if it had been a good decision or not. the right gift.

Tae is the only alpha in the pack that can give you this, who can trigger omegaspace in you with as little as a raised eyebrow.

She has a fantastic reading voice. She and makes the voices of the white rabbit and the mad hare just funny enough to have you huffing soft giggly purrs.

It's not the last book she gets you. Far from it, over the next few weeks, you quickly fall into a routine: after dinner, she’ll find you in the nesting nook, in your room, or in the bathroom washing up. And she’ll pull you in the direction of the library room and produce another wrapped volume. Some of them illustrated and some not.

You’ll curl up together on the couch, one ear pressed to her heartbeat, another that inches to hear her words and a soft croons. Her hair tickling your forehead where it lingers, just around her shoulders. Grown out now and faster since she started to use a fancy hair serum.

There are other, slightly more scandalous times, when you squirm at certain parts, unable to find a properly soothed position. When you turn to nuzzle into her shoulder. Nosing along her collarbones and searching for something that makes Tae’s chest tight in all the best ways. Bright eyes glassy, too shy to ask for what you wanted.

What you needed.

The first time you’d face planted into her chest into her barely there but steadily growing tits. She’d laughed, the skin there new feeling and vaguely sensitive. Little white stretch marks shine like a silver lining over the hem of her lace top.

“You looking for something pup?” she’d teased, she wasn’t necessarily surprised after all, you hadn’t been looking at the book for a few minutes, watching her soft inhale and exhale. The faint imprint of her nipples under the shirt.

“Can- can I” you’d stuttered, words too hard for you to string together, looking down at Tae’s chest, fingers bunching up the fabric of her dove-colored night dress.

Being in omegaspace is easier than being totally up these days. Tae knows you need this, without saying why, something is going on in your head that seems too big for it, something that makes you listless and quiet when no one’s around. There’s a reason- there has to be.

her hand cups your cheek and directs your gaze to her face and not her chest, and you blush, having been caught looking. “Good pups use their words, honey, even if they’re feeling small and needy.”

You struggle when you pull back, sorting through your pupils brain is a difficult task when preoccupied with Tae, mommy, want, pretty, mommy alpha smells so nice, looks so safe.

“Can I- can I put my mouth on Mommy?” heat laces down her chest, a fire like none other that has her body growing warm everywhere you touch, the smooth line of your inner thigh pressed to hers, your stomach as you inhale to whine. You squirm away from the embarrassment of asking for something so taboo.

Her hand grips your waist, and you know you aren’t going anywhere.

“Take what you need pup.”

Her spaghetti straps are down around her shoulders before you can blink, dress rucked down to her rib cage. Her chest has swelled so prettily from the hormones her nipples little puffy peaks. She’s maybe a b cup at best but your mouth waters, a whine slipping from your lips without you trying to summon it.

Tae guides you to them with her hand threaded through the hair on the back of your head. Fingers rubbing soothingly against your scalp and oh

With Tae so close, you can smell all of her. It’s so natural when your mouth guides into a suck, Hot and gentle where she’s sensitive. Your nose nudges against her skin taking deep lungfuls of her scent, greedy in the way that you curl around her body. Your brain is truly quiet for the first time in months. Resting your head in the crook of her elbow.

Tae sighs and stretches out while you settle. It’s not exactly not sexual but intimate, the attention at her chest isn’t something that makes arousal stir in her stomach, not when it's like this. Sucking softly, never too hard, with the same pressure that you might mouth at a soft blackberry, lips teasing but only just teasing.

She picks back up the book and keeps reading, ignoring the way her breath hitches with every harder suck.

There is something about tucking your face close, hands tangling in her dress, that feels like the most natural expression of your dynamic. The way she pets over your shoulders and reads to you while you set down your heavy worries. Clinging to her until your fingers go slack and your sucking slows. Lips parting to let out soft sleepy breaths across her sensitive skin and Tae knows you’ve fallen asleep.

Tae is the only alpha who can give you this.

After the first time, all bets are off.

Tae often finds you tugging at her top at dinner time, fingers curious and needy on her ribcage, unwilling to touch where you need to under the gaze of so many other.

Bending under the need, the haze of omegaspace tugging at you, begging for the couch and her in the green room. It’s especially bad if she wears anything low-cut. You’re squirmy in her lap during movie nights, a little breathless any time she hugs you (she might be a little mean and tug you up so that you're face to face with the object of your desire)

You're more than a little nervous around the rest of the pack.

But she agrees this is a secret. A habit that should be just yours. Tae never would have said there would be anything too intimate to share with them after coming out but maybe this is.

One time and one time only does Jimin accidentally walk in on you,

Namjoon is close behind, she isn’t sure what their reasons are. Luckily your head is blocked by a blanket and Tae only has to hiss a “get out” for them to turn tail and run. Thankfully, they hadn’t prodded that much about it later.

It’s not always so innocent, sometimes Tae’s thigh presses up between your own guiding you into a slow grind or her fingers wander, gently parting your thighs and pressing up and under your sleep shorts. fingers curiously exoloring between your thighs insistent to taste your pleasure in the air and hear your needy moans.

But every time you stop sucking, she stops touching. leaves her fingers just there tugging on your clit or just around them. Caught between a rock and a hard place, as you keep going, looking up at her, hips jerking against her fingers. Your sucking near frantic as you cum and Tae's wicked smile and mean laugh above you as you gush and drip around her fingers. rubbing gently over your clit at the same rhythm which you suck.

Worse are the times that she says, “Mommy’s turn” with a smile on her face. Switching your positions entirely. Holding your wrists so that you can’t try and cover yourself as she licks and sucks with abandon. Rubbing your frustrated tears away with her thumbs as she sucks at your nipples until they’re bitten and sensitive. So sensitive that you feel them every time they rub against your shirt, constantly distracting you and reminding you of her touch.

There is something about you needy and squirmy in omegaspace, dripping messy all over her nightdress, upset and tearful at being teased for so long that makes Tae’s alpha purr, makes her almost addicted. Those moments usually end with her cumming over your tummy and you grinding one out against her face or her thigh and once, her tits.

She’s cum on yours before, had you hold up her skirt like a good girl, standing there with your nipples wet from her mouth to let her jack off all over you. listening to you babble about how pretty her cock looks, how beautiful she is, it never takes her long.

The walk of shame to the bathroom had drawn the stares of quite a few of your packmates, Jimin had nearly walked into a wall as Tae led you upstairs for a shower.

It's intoxicating being needed, being the bearer of your needy whines and these delicate moments. When one nipple gets too sensitive and Tae transfers you to another, cheeks pink, lips wet and kissable, tasting like Tae's skin when she leans down. fussy, unwilling to be parted from her for even a second.

Tae looks and feels her most beautiful with her chest sucked pink, nipples glossy from your mouth when you inevitably fall asleep like that. And Tae has to pull up her dress and call for one of the alphas to help carry you to the nest like you weren't just doing something so salacious

When you’re alone, and your fingers instantly gravitate towards the buttons on her blouse, needy whines mean only one thing as you struggle to unfasten the buttons. Fingers clumsy from your wanting.

"My sweet little pup, so cute and needy for mommy that you can't even wait for a second, what am I going to do with you?"

~-~

(Hobi, the same day as before)

Not many people use the beach this late in the season. The businesses on the boardwalk are half-boarded up now that the tourist rush is over and half of the lights are empty and vacant of their usual neon splendor.

But maybe if Yoongi were here, he’d say that this is the way that you and Hobi flirt. With jabs back and forth like crashing waves. Jests of Are you tired yet? and not at all as you run and giggle, splashing through the dark waves. Happy and zoomy in the way that dogs get when you give them wide open spaces to run. Until the late hour drags your bones down and exhaustion makes you giggly and innocent. The way you and Hobi maybe never get to be when you’re not alone with each other.

But you can trust him, with your sensitive parts and your darkness too.

The beach is quiet at night, the hem of your pajama pants soaked 3 inches up from the cold water. Your shoes sit discarded in the sand and the cold salt air tickles your forehead and your bare toes. A pair of headphones between the two of you tangle in the sand like a string of fate. You bob your head to Hobi’s most recent favorite song and shiver.

Hobi notices and starts to shuck off his jacket, thick sweatshirt balmy underneath. You make a noise in protest but he doesn’t listen. His next words a mess in the middle of so much base, “I’ve got more meat on my bones than you do.”

You take his headphone out of your ear. “You sure?”

“Yeah,”

You ease into the warmth like it’s what you’ve been waiting for, and Hobi pulls himself closer to you to block the wind. You know you'll smell like him tomorrow morning, that the others will hover and breathe deep, appreciating your combined scents.

The moon is bright tonight, casting everything in shimmery pools of silver. You can see him in near-perfect blue-grey detail. It’s what drew you out tonight, the promise of an extra high tide and the glittering splendor of the ocean on a full moon. The drag of waves has the same tempo as Hobi’s soul, the tide higher than usual.

You fold the sleeves over your hands in the semi-darkness and it strikes him as oddly fragile, the way you curl in on yourself. One second happy and zoomy, and the next almost conservative. Like you think you won’t have enough joy for later. Your happiness reseeding like a tide.

Hobi turns his knees to the side. "You've been acting different since the rut." Was it me? Was I the one who made you look a little smaller, a little sadder than you were yesterday? You deflate at his words and Hobi struggles. “Not weird! It’s not bad I’m just-” worried- so fucking worried.

“Was it the alphas today?” he trails off, unsure of what he's asking.

You turn towards him, shoulders resting against the sand. All rocks made small, and time and energy that's made boulders movable. The sand curves to the shape of your body. Your cradle and your grave.

"No- your coworkers were fine just-" You shrivel your nose at the stars, maybe fate is taking notes. "Alphas, you know?"

"Hey, I’m an alpha too." He pushes at your shoulder playfully, trying to make the mood lighter so that you’re more likely to tell him what's really wrong. There’s sand in your hair when you turn away hiding your small smile like the sliver of a crescent moon. He feels like he should have anticipated that and brought a blanket or at least a towel for you to lie on, if not to make you warmer than to at least make sure you didn’t get sand in your hair.

"Yeah, but you're one of the good ones."

He settles back against the sand, faintly warm from the sunshine still. At odds with the cold wind that whips at the two of you. “I’m okay, you don’t have to worry about me, I’m just-“ your face twists with melancholy. “Tired.”

Tired. Hobi had found you dozing in the nesting nook tonight. Why had you slept there and not upstairs? You could have waited for him in either place- so why did you choose the one that made you alone? Why deny yourself the comfort at your fingertips?

Hobi swallows, “do you want to head back?”

Your eyelashes flutter whisper soft against your cheek, your voice thick like you might be about to cry. But you can tell Hobi these things, the restless half-exhaustion of not knowing when it will get easier, the exhaustion of having to try so hard for so long and still feel like you haven't gotten anywhere.

“I don’t think it’s the kind of tired that sleep can fix Hobi.”

Hobi blinks back the tightening in his chest like someone has stretched a rubber band around his lungs, pulling himself up so that you’ve got to look at him and see the sincerity in his face.

"You don't have to be okay you know. You don't have to, it would be okay if you weren't. We'd make it okay."

You swallow and it takes you a long time to answer, long enough that Hobi gets a little worried. You pick up the sand and let it fall through your hand. Dry, movable, changing. When the words come, they’re like a flood.

"It didn't fix me.”

You look like you don’t want to admit it, but the truth is so hard to contend with sometimes when expectations are proven false.

“The rut- being with Namjoon- Proving I could handle it. It didn't fix what was broken with me. I think I wanted it to like- make me feel whole, make me feel normal. It's what an omega in my position should be doing. Helping their alpha. Being good.”

Your breath hitches, and you know that there are so many many ways to be good. Being good for Geumjae meant starving yourself and staying quiet. You thought that maybe being good for Namjoon would be easier, that taking care of yourself would become easy because he wanted that for you.

But maybe it's not the alphas you're with that are the problem.

You liked the rut, you would swear on your mating mark that nothing happened during it that you didn't consent to and fully anticipate. So why do you still feel so fragile? Like you should be apologetic for it, like somehow- you didn't live up to their expectations.

He rolls back onto his ass letting you sit away from him because distance feels like what you might need.

"Good, I didn't want you to choose that."

As much as Hobi and the others are loathed to admit it, regardless of the bite mark now yellowing against your thigh, you being there actually did help during Namjoon's rut. Usually, at least one of them is left looking gaunt and in need of a few days’ rest. Jungkook didn’t even have a seizure this time. And to everyone's surprise, the pack had gone mostly back to normal sort of instantly.

Everyone had been able to walk just fine the following evening, they'd take it slow, but maybe they hadn't needed to. Hobi would have never called them unbalanced before but it's clear now how much their pack benefits from having a third omega.

But none of that would matter if you decided that you'd taken that step too quickly.

Your hand tangles with his, tangles with the sand. His fingers are strong and birdlike in yours, warm and rough.

He waits for a few long breaths "Was it bad that I said that?" Double checking, because you're both allowed to double-check when you need to. Both you and Hobi struggle to trust your internal narrative because you know how easy it is to twist it.

You take turns like this often, being vulnerable, being the one to break apart. Your laugh is something jagged, tearing up bits of yourself that you don’t want to keep, don’t want to hold onto, you swear.

How is it so easy to be hurt and yet so difficult to let the things that hurt you go?

"Yes," your laugh is sadder than he likes, you tuck your face back into the crook of his shoulder. “No. It’s fair. I think I’m just overwhelmed a little, I just wish I knew how to hope like you do. Every time I’m sad it feels like it’s like it’s the saddest I’ve ever been. Like there’s no coming back from it. It's exhausting always trying to be hopeful. How do you do it?"

Hobi likes thinking about it like that; hoping as a learned skill and not as an affliction. He gets cynical every time he gets sad and You know this best. He wonders when exactly you became the person he goes to with all of his contradictions. He doesn't know when he became this person for you either but he likes it.

He likes it.

He pulls himself a little bit closer to you. Nudging your shoulder with his and leaning. Rubbing quick up and down your calves to warm you up. The flannel of your pajama bottoms are rough against his fingers, he thinks they might be Yoongi's.

"I don't know, guess just I have to hope the healing adds up one day. When I'm not sad I don't know what else to do but hope."

You sit like that in silence for a good long while, the headphones buzzing on the sand between the two of you, quietly watching the ocean.

“I think you might be my best friend.” You admit quietly. Hobi’s smile makes the moon shine just a little brighter.

“I think you might be my best friend too.”

You sit like that, your body pressed up against his for a long time watching the ocean. Long enough that Hobi thinks you both might turn into statues, turned to marble pearly ness underneath the moons light, like it's trying to keep you here in this moment for as long as possible.

Hobi thinks you might have fallen asleep but then You stiffen and freeze. It's not him you're looking at when he turns. Your eyes have lost their glassiness, squinting into the ocean at something in the distance. Bobbing too close to be a buoy and too hard-shaped to be a patch of seaweed.

"Hobi, I think there's something out there in the water."

~-~

Please Like, Comment, and Reblog <3 every word helps motivate me to write the next chapter!

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Come tell me what you liked about this chapter!

~-~

Extra’s: Tae’s angel halloween dress + the nesting nook

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angeart · 4 months

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fic recs

speaking of fanfic tropes, i was meaning to make a post about my absolutely favoritestest fics that live in my heart rent free.

in no particular order:

• you came at the brink of the end of the world

[AO3 link] - by anonymous

currently unfinished at 84k words and 21/? chapters

insane about this one. insane. it's beautifully written and scar calls grian trouble (best thing ever and nobody can convince me otherwise) and grian is a bundle of unknown magic and memory loss and trauma and it's just overall great. trust me.

this is from the official fic description:

[grian is falling from the sky, scar has more magic in his blood than he realized, and everyone else is so much better at seeing than they are]

tags include strangers to lovers, slow burn, hurt/comfort, memory alteration, pining, found family...

---

• and like an arrow, you broke me down.

[AO3 link] - by mochiwrites

currently unfinished at 81k words and 14/? chapters

traumatised sad birb grian gets thrown straight from the grief of 3rd life into the middle of last life. of course the first thing he does is get away from southlands (martyn???) and beelines for scar. there's confusion and emotional damage and man. it hits hard and it's wonderful and i absolutely love this one. also a beautifully written fic (yes i'll say this for all of these bECAUSE THEY ARE!)

tags include angst, hurt/comfort, PTSD, survivor guilt, protective scar/grian, touch-starved scar, and canon typical things like violence and referenced suicide

---

• closer to another shore

[AO3 link] - by remrose

currently finished at 56k words and 15/15 chapters

this one is sooo heartfelt and heartwrenching and sad and good and. it just makes you feel things. the way they delicately navigate around each other. the way it all goes up in flames anyway because they can't have it any other way. the way their steps keep bringing them inevitably back together.

scar and grian start as exes, with the circumstances of their break up murky and mysterious. and scar needs help, and grian offers himself.

there's a lot of pain and guilt and weakness (because how can they help but be weak towards each other?) it's wistful and tragic and hopeful. it's. it's something. (and did i mention it's beautifully written?) (it is) (just go read it really.)

(i'll also throw this bait at you. this bit. this: Grian was the absolute most infuriating man Scar knew. It was a shame he loved him to death.)

tags include soul bound, mating rituals, panic attacks and anxiety, hurt/comfort, chronic illness, insomnia, guilt, slow burn

---

• lost in the dark (he's got a heavy heart)

[AO3 link] - by definitelynotshouting

currently unfinished at 51k words and 9/? chapters

this one. THIS ONE. gosh where do i even begin. there are some deep, raw, self destructive feelings here. grian is a watcher in the sense that he is a creature that feeds on emotions, and he's dangerous and starving, and things have gone so very wrong. he just doesn't want to hurt anyone ever again. he's going to do everything he can to take himself out of the picture just to prevent that. (yeah this one is HEAVY.)

the writing. the writing. it's so so so beautiful. i know i keep gushing about the same thing for all of these fics, but. there's something so intricate and pretty in the way the words are woven in this one. i'm absolutelly entraced by the language. it's so pretty.

this is the hunger au if any of you are familiar with that name.

like i said, this one is a whole different kind of heavy. tags include angst, hurt/comfort, suicide attempt, starvation, eating disorders, body horror, trauma, self-harm, injury... (the light at the end of the tunnel is the recovery tag mkay)

------

if you go read any of them, make sure to look over AO3 ratings and warnings and tags for cw/tw stuff!

#ange rambles #fic recs #my absolute favourites #these are wonderful i promise #S tier

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animatronicthing · 10 months

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⠀Molten Freddy is one crazy magick shapeshifting machine , would you believe !!! , 🎙🎞 ⠀ ⛓️ Freddy is a scary & weird schizophrenic , & an annoying autist with ADHD , C - PTSD monstrosity with BPD NPD & more !!! , also is very forgetful ,disorganized & disordered . Freddy is mostly very detached from your reality ,, that ’ s one of the reasons of how & why it does not participate in any drama ☮︎ 🎭 , the first reason is that it just does not give enough shits to participate . We are very very spiritual & religious , as we are a mage . that may or may not influence the blog . .

⠀IMPORTANT : Reblogging something ≠ we agree with any of the individual ’ s opinions . Remember friends , you can also be friends with others that don ’ t have the same opinion as yours !!!

This blog is for our only pure entertainment , meaning we ’ ll do whatever we feel like doing or not doing with it . This site was created as a little hobby 🌆 ⏰ ⠀ꓹ All are free to point out wrongs , misspellings or misinterpretations in posts . Any constructive criticism is all welcome as long as you ’ re nice !! 📋 , ➡ we ’ ll take it yes or no !!

EMOJI BLOG : @tontoemojis 🦞

⠀ 🗄️ ;;⠀ ⠀☑︎ 🚂⠀ MAIN TAGS !!! , 〜

⠀🎰 】 ⌗ ┅⠀The MADNESS Never Ends．;; tag used for coining posts , both flags & term coining

⠀📻➿ 】 ⌗ ┅⠀Crawling Through Your Vents．;; tag users ed for text posts

⠀⚙️ 】 ⌗ ┅⠀Almas Desafortunadas．;; tag used for answering asks

⠀📽️ 🎞️ 】 ⌗ ┅⠀They ’ re Full Of Rage．;; tag used for reblogs / reblogged posts

⠀🪗 】 ⌗ ┅⠀Doing Good Is Boring．;; tag used for coining posts that are terms & flags requests

⠀🎨 】 ⌗ ┅⠀We ’ re gonna have a FUN time !!!、;; tag used for posts that may contain a little piece of Molten Freddy ’ s art

⠀⚠︎ 📸 】 ⌗ ┅⠀EYESTAIN WARNING．;; used for marking posts that can contain content that can cause eyestain , block this tag if you don ’ t wanna see eye staining posts

All posts with no image ID will be marked as #undescribed image or #no ID .

⠀ 🗄️ ;;⠀ ⠀☑ 🏣 ,⠀ EXTRA TAGS

⠀💽 ⇢⠀Having A Little Fun !!!⠀;; tag used when interacting with mutuals , both reblogs & asks

⠀ ➡ HELP PALESTINE 🇵🇸 , https://text.is/freepalestine

⠀ How you can help Palestine , https://www.tumblr.com/sulfurcosmos/732456971539775488

#┉┅━ 《﹐TAGS﹐》 ━┅┉#⠀🎰 】 ⌗ ┅⠀The MADNESS Never Ends．#⠀📻➿ 】 ⌗ ┅⠀Crawling Through Your Vents．#⠀🎨 】 ⌗ ┅⠀We ’ re gonna have a FUN time !!!、#⠀🪗 】 ⌗ ┅⠀Doing Good Is Boring．#⠀⚙️ 】 ⌗ ┅⠀Almas Desafortunadas．#⠀📽️ 🎞️ 】 ⌗ ┅⠀They ’ re Full Of Rage．#mogai blog #coining blog #personal blog

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bug-decal-kissing · 4 months

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Hey friends!

Time Room Shenanigans + More, by DrakianDH, was updated today, with 13/? Chapters released! It has a rating of General Audiences and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Romantic Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff without Plot, Oneshot Prompts Challenge, One Shot Collection, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, Angst and Feels, Alternate Universe - Human, Kinda, It's really just a big collection or random stuff I made for January's Writing challene, frick spelling btw, Prohibited wish - Freeform, PWish, No Plot/Plotless, Some Plot, Maybe - Freeform, idk - Freeform"

You can read it here:

NSFW works are below the cut :].

A new work, The Coercion and Compulsions of a Dark God by ikestm17, was published today, with 1/1 Chapters Released! It has a rating of Explicit and Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, with additional tags "Prima/Scab, Rape/Non-con Elements, but I can assure you it is not non-con, Consensual But Not Safe Or Sane, Roleplay, Sort Offan, fic within a fanfic, Scarab is actually pretty good at this whole fanfic thing, Enemies to Lovers, Anal Sex, Hand Jobs, Hair-pulling, Fighting As Foreplay, they’re two immortal beings stuck in a cube together forever, they’re going to fuck, grow up"

You can read it here:

A new work, In The Strangest Places by ineedlemonade, was published today, with 1/1 Chapters released! It has a rating of Mature and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Disordered Eating, Mental Health Issues, Angst and Feels, No Sex, No Smut, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, One-Sided Attractionpossibly, Overthinking, Crushes, Cussing, Not Beta Read, Suicidal Thoughts, just mildly, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Pity, Feeding, with arguable kink vibes, Complicated Relationships, Grief/Mourning"

You can read it here:

A new work, On Being Human by ineedlemonade, was published today, with 1/1 Chapters released! It has a rating of Explicit and No Archive Warnings Apply, with additional tags "Not Beta Read, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Trans Male Character, Alternate Universe - Human, Condoms, Riding, Explicit Consent, Gentle Kissing, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Smut, Smut, Shameless Smut, Gay Sex, Affection, Nipple Play, Awkwardness, Making Out, Fingering, Sweet/Hot, No Angst, Light Masochism, Light Sadism"

You can read it here:

Timekiller, by MatrixDream, was updated today, with 6/16 Chapters released! It has a rating of Mature and Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, and Major Character Death, with additional tags "One-shots!, Angst, Loneliness, Isolation, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, (Tags will update as fic updates), Bug Scarab, Popcorn, Captured in a pickle jar, silliness, Physical Disability, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Scarab had his wings removed as punishment headcanon, Blood and Violence, Blood and Injury, Ableism, Chronic Pain, Self-Harm, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, Triggers, Whump, Monkey's Paw AU, Major character death - Freeform, Violence, Hurt No Comfort, major angst, mentions of gore, Revenge, Ambiguous/Open Ending, (But still hopeful), Let me know if I missed any tags/warnings!, Comedy, NSFW, Mummy Scarab, Chapters with a star asterisk has smut'

You can read it here:

#its snOWING and its making my computer fREAK OUT #prohibitedwish #prohibitedwish fics #the coercion and compulsions of a dark god #in the strangest places #on being human #time room shenanigans + more #timekiller

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shilo-sumac · 25 days

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(( OOC Post! edited last 4/23/24

I saw someone have a separate post about the norms of the world their muse is in (I'm so sorry I forget who) and I thought that would be a good idea! uh. this may be a text wall and more may be added. I love my HCs im sorry. ))

There are small basic animals in her universe, such as pollinator species (moths, bees, ect), fish, and small near the bottom of the food chain animals (mice, fish, other bugs, small birds) To me this makes sense because there are both plant Pokemon and normal plants in the actual canon, and stuff needs to pollinate somehow lmao. There are no large animals, this niche is only filled by Pokemon.

Killing Pokemon to consume is frowned upon in many regions. There are still people who do, but it's viewed similarly to how an American would view eating a pet animal. Meat is made in labs and is indistinguishable from the meat from our universe on a taste and nutrition level.

Pokemon have varying levels of sentience. Most Pokemon have a basic understanding of the ideas of what a human is trying to convey, with Pokemon (and their humans) gaining more understanding from each other as their bond grows. Some Pokemon are on a close level to humans, and some perhaps even more so, though this is not confirmed.

The "power of friendship" is a real force in her Pokemon world. The more love you have for your partners the stronger you and your team are, though of course training and strategy is also important. Building bonds with your Pokemon also allow both trainer and Pokemon to understand each other better.

Rarely, people can directly understand Pokemon as if they are speaking common language, but this is very rare and usually something they are born with. Usually, trainers and Pokemon can get a basic idea about what theyre communicating to each other once they know each other well, depending on individuals.

I have a whole post about how pokeballs and the box system works here , basically they give them a little mini enjoyable environment :D

Pokeballs will not work unless the Pokemon has at least a tiny bit of want to be captured. Masterballs are hugely frowned upon

There are no dogs or cats in universe. The words "dog" and "cat" (ect) are used just as descriptive terms for certain mons. Hopefully that makes sense?

My HCs are a combination of the anime, games and occasionally small bits of the manga, with the largest focus on games. I also mix in irl animal facts. Because I am the animal version of Shilo's encyclopedia.

Some things specifically about Muse:

Shilo will not use proper spelling/grammar and only uses capitalization for certain proper nouns to show respect. However, she will type properly when making her care guides. (if you wanna read those they're tagged under #pokemon headcanons iirc, the art is a bit... awkward and old tho. i wanna continue these but theyre a bit labor intensive!)

Shilo gives off odd vibes. Usually people get used to her. On the other hand, Pokemon are naturally drawn to her and tend to trust her. She is human tho. Mostly. As for the details, I hope to one day be good enough to reveal them well lmao.

While unable to directly translate, she is strangely good at being able to tell what a Pokemon is trying to communicate.

Shilo is autistic as fuck and sometimes kinda annoying. Her special interest is Pokemon and she is basically a walking Pokedex.

Shilo's sanctuary is on a small unnamed island nearby Sinnoh. Technically it isn't a part of any region. She works there mainly alone (technically some of her Pokemon act as staff willingly). The facility itself is small but the island itself is large enough to comfortably fit many many Pokemon.

Shilo wants to befriend at least one of every single species of Pokemon. She knows this is unrealistic. She will try anyway.

Shilo has dissociative identity disorder, some anxiety issues, minor PTSD, and some major imposter syndrome (despite liking to say she's the best)

She's not very good at making people friends and her new Rotomblr friends are very novel to her.

About some side characters and Pokemon:

Her childhood was mildly traumatic, so she doesn't want to visit Unova again, but is happy to explore any other region, and often does.

she doesnt remember how old she is exactly but she's near her early to mid 20s

Alistair is her cranky roommate/helper who owes her a debt. He knows barely anything about Pokemon and they do not like him very much. He gets attacked a lot.

Rin is the first Pokemon Shilo befriended. She has a scar over her left eye due to Pokemon hunters when she was young. She is more powerful than the average Zoroark, and tends to hang out in human form so she can have human privileges. She cannot speak human regardless of her form.

Char the Charizard is a rescue due to being rejected as a Charmander for use as a starter since he cannot use fire type abilities.

Her Espeon and Umbreon (Morgan and Simon, respectively ((also both female despite their names)) ) are her very good emotional support mons.

#ooc post #lore drop #character lore #shilo sumac #alistair #rin the zoroark #pokemon irl #rotomblr #pokeblogging #pokemon rp #muse

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dimonds456-art · 9 months

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vent art below the cut, as well as an explanation for it. it's a mess on purpose. read the tags.

Starting off positive, here's how I draw myself now :) Style improvement! And my mustache hairs are growing in and one of them is over a centimeter long and it's my pride and joy.

okay now onto everything else. fucking help me. /ns

Gonna start with the butterfly imagery, since it's a reoccurring theme when I talk about my disabilities. The butterfly is because of my Graves Disease, which is a subgenre of hyperthyroidism. What's that? Uh basically there's a gland in your throat called the "thyroid" that's shaped like a butterfly, and it's responsible for your ENTIRE METABOLISM, and mine decided to do cocaine one day and never stopped. This results in increased heartrate, shaky hands, dizziness, and an eye disease where your eyes swell and can make you go blind if not treated.

(and no mine is not currently being treated so. :) )

I've had Graves since middle school, and I will for life. For reference of how bad it got before I got treated after 6 months of suffering, if I ran around outside for 5 minutes my heart rate could get up to 220 BPM. Which can kill you. Somehow I only ever saw stars once.

The next imagery I wanna point out is the layers on me. I show some things as brighter, and there's two layers like that- a bright one and a much dimmer one, which is why I kept this a sketch. The bright one is the surface-level disabilities, such as joint weakness, my eye disease, and my swollen thyroid. The dimmer one is my brain and skeleton. I have never actually broken my bones, but for some reason these days, joint weakness has me and they'll just fucking stop working sometimes for no goddamn reason.

The diamonds on my shirt is obviously a reference to my name, "Dimonds456." The design was actually made by my abuser, and so I actually am starting to have some second thoughts about using this particular design despite how much I love it, thus the shattered idea. Plus, diamonds don't break- they shatter. I'm about to shatter, too, so it's just like me fr.

After that, the text all around me. There are three layers. Let's talk about the black ones first. Those are all my disabilities. That's it. To make it easier to read, they're:

Autism

Anxiety

PTSD

Mental regression (probably because of all the other mental shit I'm dealing with)

Depression

ADHD

Weakness in joints

Inhaler as needed

Tires easily

Abuse

Graves Disease

On meds for life (methimazole literally keeps me alive)

Eye disease

Prone to falling

Eating disorder: ARFID ?????

Asthma

Audio processing disorder

Trauma

:,)

Then, the blue layer. The blue and red layers and kinda having a conversation with each other, with blue being my inner monologue and the red ones being still that, but more intrusive and hopeless. The blue thoughts range from "I can't do this" to "I want to," to "Wait, this is too much" to "STOP" to "THIS IS TOO MUCH" and various stuff like that.

The red texts are much, much more negative. "Running out of time." Never safe. I will never feel safe." "My own body wants me DEAD." "NEVER SAFE." "WHAT IS SAFETY?!" these are my intrusive thoughts, and... yeah. My anxiety and trauma already make me feel like I can never be safe in the spaces I'm in, so when I do actually feel safe with the people or location I'm in, my body's there to remind me that no, I'm not. Because I could literally just die at any goddamn moment.

Which brings me to the scythe. The Reaper. He's close. I'm running out of time. To do what? I don't know, live? Impact people? Fucking exist?

The clock shows that, too.

Finally, the dialogue bubbles. The straw that broke the camel's back in terms of me making this art. My recent doctor visit. I'm trans. I'm a demiboy who just wants to figure out what my fucking gender is. I know I want top surgery, but the dr says I HAVE to start HRT in order to get the surgery I want, which is enbyphobic. I've talked about it with other trans people, and we all agree what the dr told me was fucked.

The other bubbles are other things people have said to me. Particularly, I wanna talk about the "are you ACTUALLY disabled?" one because so so so so so many people have fucking asked me that and I want to scream. Like gee, I dunno, maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm normal. Maybe my graves disease was all a FUCKING DREAM. The eating disorder I'm getting now that not even the doctors are sure what the fuck it is wasn't real, I'm just a picky eater and I am just a fucking attention-seeking masochist. SURE. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

Shut the fuck up.

The butterfly is actively choking me. I'm loosing weight. I've felt more anxious recently than I ever have in my fucking life. I have a goddamn eating disorder where I physically CANNOT EAT. It sounds like ARFID but it's also not quite that, I'm in a weird grey area.

i'm 20 years old.

Ever since I got diagnosed with Graves in middle school, I've felt like my existence was defying something. Like I was supposed to die. I also had intense depression at the time, so that definitely added to it, but yeah. Then more happened. I had my first fall. I got put on the wrong dosage and nearly got killed. Struggled to breathe. My eyes tear up more often due to the disease, and I have an aversion to light I didn't have before. The eating disorder. Not to mention my bad knee, weakness in joints, pain in hips, ect.

It just keeps piling up. More, and more, and more, and more disabilities appear and try to catch me by surprise. I got deathly ill last winter. I quit college this year because of the trauma of being outside while on my wrong dosage from last summer. But this time, I'm fucking freezing when I'm anywhere except in the sun, which still makes me feel viscerally uncomfortable, because of whatever the fuck is happening with my eating disorder.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't know how much farther I can go. I'm running out of time. I can't handle another disability. I just can't. If I wind up getting appendicitis or something I'm running back home to my parents and staying there because at least they make me feel SAFE.

I'm not safe. I will never be safe inside this body. I will never feel safe because of my anxiety and trauma. I'm reaching a boiling point where it's starting to spill over onto those around me and I hate it. I am aware that this post is not helping that at all. But... I just don't wanna suffer in silence anymore. I'm tired. I want to be a good memory, but I fear my time is coming and I don't have much more "memory" to make.

I want to be wrong. Please, stars, let me be wrong. Let this all be in my head. Let this all be one big misunderstanding on my part. Please. Please let me wake up and realize that this was all a fucking nightmare.

I can't look at this screen anymore. My eyes hurt and my wrists are starting to give out.

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bearlee-sensitive · 1 year

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last updated . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8/25/23

This my introduction post :)

Thank you to the amazing @slimeylee for letting me take inspiration from their intro post (I basically copied it, if you want me to take the @ off for you i will /gen)

Tw:ED mentions/ phobia mentions/SH mention

|info about me!|

My name is Bear

I'm 420 friendly

I'm Afro-indigenous

I'm 90% Lee 10% ler

I use he/him pronouns, I'm fine with neopronouns, and I'm two spirit, gay (nwlnw) and Polyamorous and I'm taken

I'm currently on testosterone

My birthday is October 26th! I'm a minor, so don't be weird

I'm also an age regressor, I usually regress to ages 1-3, sometimes older

|blog and writing info|

I'm a sfw Tickle blog, mainly for marvel, dream smp and supernatural

I don't really post fanfics as I'm still working on my writing skills, but once I think my writing is good enough I'll probably start writing fics

My dms are open to any ranging from 13 to 18+ (as long as you're not a creep)

( interact, thin ice, dni)

Interact;

Juggalo's

Dsmp fans

Twisted metal fans

Supernatural fans

Marvel fans

Stranger things fans

Reservation dogs fans

Kenan and Kel fans

Wonder egg priority fans

Sfw tickle blogs

Tickle fic writers

Artists

Fluff and angst writers

Roleplayers

People over 18 (as long as youre not weird)

Agere community

thin ice;

Genshin stans

Only writes/draws feet tickles

dni;

Proshippees

Racists

Homiphobes

Sexists

Ableists

Anyone under 11

Ddlg (and variants)

|tags|

I don't really use tags, but I will occasionally

The tags will be

#dsmp

#supernatural

#marvel

#tickle

#ticklefic

#twisted metal

#headcanons

#bears in a lee mood

#vent

|other blogs|

I only have two other blogs, one for age regression and one for non-Tickle stuff

Age regression blog: lovelylittlebabybearsblog

Non-tickle blog: skvll-body

|social media|

I have Instagram, my account is cool._.funky._.monkey

I also have snapchat and tiktok but I'll give those to you if you ask me

|things i will n wont write/talk about|

I WILL write/talk about

-Tickle related stuff

-fluff

-angst

-cc and c stuff

-feet tickles

-light bondage

-tools (but only stuff like feathers/feather duster, the light stuff)

|fears + diagnosis|

Tw:phobias and triggers

Phobias:

Arachnophobia-fear of spiders, I have had many bad experiences with spiders, especially night terrors, I can't handle anything related to spiders

Pediophobia-any doll except reborn dolls or barbie dolls freak me out, I can't really explain it, they just do

Lepidopterophobia-fear of butterflies or moths, I have a bad fear of butterflies, when I was younger I saw that one spongebob episode

emetophobia-fear of vomiting, I hate the feeling of being nauseas and vomiting, that grew into a really bad fear of mine

Diagnosis

Type one diabetes-for those who don't know, type one diabetes is a chronic condition where the pancreas produces little to know insulin, I was diagnosed when I was 2 years old.

Ptsd- ptsd or post traumatic stress disorder is a disorder where the person has trouble with recovering from witnessing or experiencing a terrifying event. There are Triggers that can bring back the memory along with intense physical or emotional reactions

Anxiety- anxiety is a disorder that causes intense, excessive and persistent worry or fear about everyday situations.

ADHD- ADHD or attention deficit/hyperactive disorder is a chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness

ARFID- ARFID or avoidant restrictive food intake disorder is an eating disorder where people have picky eating habits and little interest in eating food, they eat a limited variety of preferred foods.

|mutuals|

If we're mutuals feel free to dm me! I'm always happy to talk to new people. If I don't reply right away I'm probably doing school or asleep

(if you want me to take you're name off my list or the @ then you can tell me!)

closer friends;

@fluffallamaful

@shroomies-world

@tiki-kiwiies

talk to a decent amount, would say we're good friends;

@slimeylee

@shroomies-world

dont often talk to but we (for some people; would probably) get along;

Internet family:

@the-gingerbread-lee (big sister)

|face|

I don't plan on posting my face on Tumblr at all, but if youre close enough to me I'll probably send pics of myself to you

|other boundaries|

I'm fine with terms like kiddo, handsome, and pretty. I'm also fine with shitass in a joking way.

If we're friends you can call me kiddo and if we're really really close you can call me baby, babe or darling in a platonic way.

Some nickanmes that bring back happy memories are Little one, young warrior and bear cub.

My favorite Nickname is Sleepy bear

|Extra|

I struggle with SH and sometimes to avoid relapsing I'll sleep, so if I don't respond for a while it's probably cause of that and not something you did. I also take mental health breaks from time to time, and some of them include just not talking to anyone at all

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marxxmulti · 4 months

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BLOG IS SFW - MULTIFANDOM - MULTIMUSE - OC/CROSSOVERS WELCOME

All is welcome outside the DNI. I am 20+. Europian.

DNI:

Pr*ship/Pr*fic, Bigoted in any way.

Notes:

I work fulltime and have other hobbies so sometimes I can be online a lot or be offline a lot (like if I bought a new game for example or have extra hours at work. Busy with other things. Etc.)

I don't lewdRP.

I have no triggers, but I would appreciate if you tag:

"CW Eating disorder", "CW Selfharm", "CW Suicide", "CW Pregnancy", "CW Animal death", "CW Animal abuse", "CW Child abuse"

Those themes can make me squick/feel upset. I do not have PTSD or something like that.

Tag lewd stuff so I don't get embarrassed when scrolling.

Tag as "Marx don't look!" when you think something could unsettle me.

Main muse:

Marx (Kirby)

Side muses:

Mallow (Super Mario RPG), Pan (Dragon Ball Z), Pomni (The Amazing Digital Circus)

I still plan on changing or adding more.

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praublem-child · 9 months

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General Info

I'm starting off this page with some general information so you're not going in blind. I'm also gonna put some of the biggest trigger warnings in here, but this and my featured tags are what's going to be updated as time goes on. I'd also like to mention that I am coming from Twitter because it's only going further downhill and I like making long posts. Everything else on here is backdated so it matches. This post will also be updated as things change.

Last Updated: 1/20/24

If you'd like to help me support myself you can leave a tip on any of these posts, or visit my gofundme page. I don't expect anything though, so don't feel pressured: https://gofund.me/8bee166f

I don't feel like giving a backstory, but I'll answer questions if anyone wants to know more about what's going on or why something took so long to deal with, but the majority of the reason is medical neglect, and no one believing me.

These are the conditions I've been diagnosed with followed by the age I was diagnosed: Seasonal Allergies (3), Seasonal Affective Disorder (6), General Anxiety Disorder (10), Major Depressive Disorder (12), Social Anxiety (12), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (14), Insomnia (14), Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (16), Selective Mutism (17), Social Phobia (17), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (17), Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (18), Migraines (18), Inappropriate Sinus Tachychardia (18), Autism Spectrum Disorder (19), Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (formerly Pseudotumor Cerebri) (19)

As a small child, I also had issues with Jaundice and low muscle tone, but both have been resolved since then. I also have struggled with an off-and-on eating disorder that's only fueled by my sensory issues.

As of right now, I'm in the process of being assessed for other disorders. My mother thinks there's something going even more wrong than pcos with my menstrual cycle (she also has pcos and doesn't get violently ill on her period like I do), the doctors have given the diagnosis of IST, but they don't believe that that's all there is to it, so we're looking for another explination for my high heart rate which may include POTS, and my cortisol levels are consistently coming back abnormally high for no known reason so that's also being looked into.

I use mobility aids (mainly orearm crutches, along with occasionally a rollator or cane) when going out, but sometimes I use them at home during flare ups. I currently use SmartCrutches, and as my symptoms are being brought under control hopefully I'll be free of them soon.

I started medical marijuana in June of 2023 due to my pain and ptsd, and so far it's been really helpful. I mainly microdose with mints in the morning to stop my nausea and shaking, without them I'm bedbound for a few hours after waking up. It also helps a lot with panic attacks and meltdowns.

Everything above this will be talked about frequently, but here's a more full list of trigger warnings for the account: Eating Disorders, Childhood Neglect and Abuse, Intrusive Thoughts, Poor Health Discussions, AFAB Health Conditions, Medical Treatments, Medications, Suicidal/Self Harm Thoughts, Medical Neglect, Medical Marijuana, General Mental Health Struggles, Neurodivergence, Migraines, Mobility Aids, and general life stuff

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seidenbros · 2 years

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I See Your True Colours Ch. 3

Requests are open | prompt lists for inspiration | Stranger Things Masterlist

Summary:“You know, it’s not just what we’ve been through together, seeing you there in your own blood… the demobat attacks…” Steve licked his lips, because his own scars would always remind him of that. “There were already nightmares before that. I dream about the Russians all the time, ‘cause I don’t even know how we made it out of there.” --- Spending the first night at home with the Hendersons - Eddie's and Wayne's ne home after the trailer had been destroyed - is different than anything Eddie had expected. Sitting around the dinner table with them made him feel so welcome, but he'd still afraid of the nightmares that will probably come back that night. And the there's Steve, who simply has to check up on Eddie, make sure that he is alright. But it's not just that, because Steve tells Eddie things, he hadn't talked about yet and one thing even Robin doesn't know. Pairing: Eddie Munson x Steve Harrington - Steddie Word count: 3676 Warning/Tags: fluff, angst, canon divergence, everybody lives, nightmares,bisexual Steve Harrington, gay Eddie Munson, supportive Wayne Munson, end of and after S4, there was only one bed?, eating disorders, trauma, ptsd (let me know if I missed anything) Author’s note: Maybe, I'll make Sunday my day to update this fic, which gives me time to finish the last two chapters until I have to post them. Comments, critique and suggestions are always welcome 💚 Read on AO3 Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

The doctors were really happy with Eddie’s examinations. Everything looked good, but like they’d said before, he’d have to come back to get his bandages changed until he could take them off completely, which would probably be in a couple of days.

“I actually have someone who knows how to do that, who’d help me with that,” Eddie told them, remembering what Steve had told him. Wayne’s curious look made him elaborate on that. “Harrington has kinda the same injuries and he said he’d help.”

Eddie picked up on the smile on his uncle’s lips, the twinkle in his eyes. Oh, Eddie knew what he was thinking, but Eddie himself didn’t want to get his hopes up. They’d become friends after all, and friends helped each other, right? Sometimes, he felt like he was fourteen again and not a twenty-year-old.

They told him that it was okay, but if there were any problems, he needed to come back here. Hopefully, that wouldn’t happen, because even though he’d only been awake for what? Two days? He really didn’t want to come back that soon. His belongings were already packed so that he could get in the car with Wayne and go home. Well, his home for now, because they couldn’t keep living with Dustin and his Mum forever.

Seeing Hawkins as it was now for the first time was… heartbreaking. Even though he’d been treated like a criminal, like shit by so many people here, this town was still the only home he knew, and there were also a lot of people here that were dear to his heart. There was probably not a lot they could do about it, but his mind still started racing. At least until they reached the Henderson house.

Claudia was already waiting at the door for them, opening her arms to welcome Eddie with a hug, careful not to hurt him with all the wounds that were still healing.

“Welcome home, love!” A warm smile was levelled at him, and Eddie felta blush creep up his neck. This was not what he’d expected at all, after pretty much the whole town had been after him. But Wayne had told him how welcome they were here.

“Thank you,” he said with a shy smile before Dustin barged in and told Eddie to follow him, leaving the adults behind. He was always so full of energy, even with the cast on his leg, but he was just happy to have Eddie home, in their home.“We turned this into your room.” Dustin opened the door and let Eddie walk in first, but he stopped even before he was in the middle of the room. His stuff was here, some posters, his music, his guitar… They’d done a great job in making it Eddie’s room instead of just making it a room where he could stay.

“You’re incredible, Henderson.”

“Oh, that wasn’t just me. The others helped as well. Robin and Nancy took care of your clothes, Will arranged your music, Robin and Steve put up the posters and everything else.” Dustin smiled to himself, thinking back on that. All of them had needed something to do, to distract themselves. They’d helped get clothes and food to other people who’d lost their homes, but they’d also made this room as much Eddie’s as they’d been able to.

“You’re spoiling me…” He smiled, trying to swallow all the emotions down that were welling up.

“We just wanted you to have a place that feels like home.”

“And you certainly achieved that.” Eddie still had his back turned towards Dustin, and didn’t dare to look, because he knew that his emotions would get the best of him then. So instead, he walked up to his guitar. “Hello sweetheart…” He let his fingers glide over the strings. The last time he’d played her had been in the Upside Down, and that brought back memories. But then again, this wasn’t the same guitar, it had been a duplicate of the one he was holding right now, which made a difference for him.

“I’ll leave you two alone. Get some rest and I’ll get you for dinner, alright?”

“Sure… thanks Dustin.”

The moment he looked up at Dustin, both of them started smiling. This really meant a lot to Eddie, but Dustin also realised that it was a little overwhelming, a little too much, so he gave Eddie some time to adjust, to settle in. And Eddie definitely needed it. So much had happened for him in such a short time, that it was good to lay on top of his bed, his guitar next to him, and the sounds of people he loved from downstairs in his ears. Dustin’s laughter filled the air, leaving a blissful smile on Eddie’s lips. Yeah, this already felt like a home to him.

—

Eddie sat up when he heard a knock on the door, surprised that Dustin had knocked at all. He was usually so intrusive, but Eddie still loved him. He never meant anything with it, he was just more than excited to have Eddie back in his life, to see him up and walking. Dustin cared for the people in his life, he just sometimes had a strange way of showing it, overstepping boundaries. Not today, though.

“Coming,” Eddie called out and got up from the bed. By now, he felt his injuries more than he’d felt them in the hospital, because the meds were wearing off, but it was okay. He knew that he’d looked a lot worse, and that a lot of healing had already happened, so he was okay to move around. His body quickly told him when it was too much.

When Eddie came down the stairs and approached the table, he was greeted by happy faces, but one of them caught his attention. Steve was sitting there, still in Eddie’s shirt, even though he’d gone home in the time being and could have changed into something else, but he hadn’t. Oh, Eddie didn’t want the shirt back, he enjoyed seeing it on Steve and that was the whole problem. Seeing Steve like this made his heart pick up its pace, and Eddie wasn’t sure whether he wanted that or not. It made him fall even harder for Steve Harrington, the guy he’d probably never have. Still, he remembered what Wayne had told him, that Steve had been by his side pretty much the whole time, and that had to mean something, right?

“I hope you’re hungry,” Claudia said to him, already loading up Eddie’s plate with the most delicious food. To be fair, to him probably everything smelled and looked delicious right now, but he was just so grateful to her, to Dustin, everyone.

“Starving,” Eddie said with a smile, before he sat down next to Steve.

Conversation flowed easily between the others, mainly Wayne and Claudia, while Dustin chipped in here and there. Eddie still had to get used to this situation, to a meal with so many people - yes, five weren’t exactly many, but for him it was, since it was usually just him, and sometimes Wayne and him, if they were home at the same time.

“You okay?” Eddie asked Steve quietly, after he’d pushed his food from one side of the plate to the other instead of eating it.

“Mh?” Steve looked up at Eddie, looking like he’d been caught doing something illegal which almost made Eddie chuckle. “Yeah, just not that hungry.”

“Now, why are you lying to me, Harrington?” While Eddie wasn’t sure if it was really a lie, he couldn’t imagine that Steve wasn’t hungry. He probably hadn’t had anything proper the whole day, and the food was just divine. Steve had spent so much time with Eddie at the hospital that he hadn’t eaten properly the whole time. Eddie had realised that Steve had lost weight, but in three weeks time, a lot could happen. “Tell you what… I’ll finish my plate if you eat up. Otherwise I’m stopping right now.” Yes, Eddie was still hungry, but he figured it was the only way to get Steve to eat.

It looked like Steve wanted to protest, but then he simply nodded and got back to eating. For the rest of the meal, he didn’t look at Eddie, focused on his food instead, and managed to eat up. Eddie was proud of him, though he didn’t say it out loud.

They avoided talking about what had happened, they simply enjoyed the evening, talking over dinner, and Eddie felt himself relax in the presence of the people who loved him. Once they were finished, Eddie wanted to help clean the table, but Claudia told him that she would do that with Wayne, that the kids should just watch a movie or something. And they did. At least they tried to, but Eddie’s eyes landed on Wayne and Claudia in the kitchen. He picked up on the way Wayne looked at her, the way his lips curled up into a smile whenever she looked up at him. Maybe, they’d bonded even more over this whole situation than they’d like to admit.

“Come on, Eddie, you need to watch this!” Dustin drew his attention back to the living room where they’d already started the movie. While Dustin was hogging the armchair, there was only room left for him on the sofa, right next to Steve. Normally, he didn’t mind, and didn't shy away from body contact, but with Steve, with what he felt for Harrington, it would be difficult for Eddie to concentrate.

He wasn’t the only one. Steve felt his skin tingle the moment Eddie sat down next to him and their arms brushed up against each other. They’d held hands the night before, Steve had fallen asleep with his head on Eddie’s thigh, so this shouldn’t be a problem. It wouldn’t be if Steve hadn’t fallen asleep with a goofy smile on his lips the night before and woken up only to have his heart stutter at the sight of Eddie. He knew what this was, knew what was happening, but it felt so strange, because so far, he’d only been with girls. That he was feeling this way towards Eddie was… new, and he had no idea what to make of it, whether he wanted to pursue it or not. But the fact remained, that he felt calmer in Eddie’s presence, so he dreaded the following night, where he wouldn’t be able to sit by Eddie’s bed and watch over him, until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.

They made it through the movie, and Eddie even managed to enjoy himself, but he was still more than aware of Steve right next to him. Steve, who stood up as soon as the movie was over, and looked back at the other two.

“I should probably get going so that you can get some rest.” He’d been here long enough already, and Eddie should get as much rest as he could.

“Your parents home?” Dustin knew about the nightmares, because he’d pestered Steve so long until he’d confided in Dustin. In addition, he knew that Steve had spent a lot of time with Eddie, by his side to watch over him.

“I don’t think so.” They hadn’t been home much, and even if they were, they didn’t pay a lot of attention to him. Steve was all grown up after all, so he could take care of himself, right? Right. But after all the trauma he’d experienced, not only lately, but in the last couple of years, even he needed someone to just hold him for a moment. His parents weren’t those people, but he’d found comfort among his friends and even Wayne and Claudia. Claudia who’d picked up on the fact that Steve’s hearing wasn’t the best anymore. Yes, he’d realised that as well, but he’d simply pushed it aside.

“Why don’t you stay here? You can sleep in the guest room down the hall.” It wasn’t the first time Dustin had offered him that opportunity, and not the first time he would stay here. But this time, he agreed without Dustin having to talk him into it.

“Yeah, alright. Thanks.”

While Claudia and Wayne stayed in the kitchen, chatting probably halfway into the night, the other three went to their respective rooms, though Dustin immediately took out his walkie talkie to fill at least Lucas, Will and Mike in on what was happening, and when Mike knew, he’d tell El as well. Yes, he’d told them that Eddie was back home, and they were allowed to visit the next day, but for today… Eddie really needed his rest.

Eddie felt it, felt the weariness take over his body as soon as he was in his room. He stripped out of his jeans, pulled up his shirt and stepped in front of the mirror. Most of his injuries were covered by the bandages, but not the ones on his jaw and neck. He’d seen them before, but now he had the chance to examine them. They’d heal over time, leaving scars behind. But he was here, he was alive, and that’s what counted, right?

Eddie dropped the hem of his shirt again and walked over to the bed, switched the big light for the bedside lamp so that it wasn’t that bright anymore. He wasn’t sure whether or not he’d be able to stay here in complete darkness, but he didn’t want to find out right now, so the light stayed on. And even though he was tired, he wasn’t able to fall asleep, so he reached for the book next to his bed. His necklace marked the page where Steve had stopped reading to him. Eddie couldn’t help but smile. The book landed on the bed face down so that he wouldn’t lose the page - though he’d be able to pick up wherever he wanted, because he knew the books so well, not really sure how often he’d read them - and put his necklace on. He’d been without it long enough, and he’d wondered where it had gotten to, but Steve had taken care of it.

When he heard a knock at the door, even before he’d picked up the book again, his head whipped around. Probably Dustin, who wanted to check up on him, but when he said come in none other than Steve Harrington walked in his room. He’d also taken off his jeans, was now dressed in his boxers and the Iron Maiden shirt he didn’t want to take off.

“Harrington? You alright?” Eddie sat up in his bed, a crease appearing on his forehead as he looked at Steve still lurking near the door.

“Yeah, I just…” Steve rubbed a hand over the nape of his neck, before he let out a sigh. “Needed to make sure that you’re alright.” He sounded defeated and he knew it, but he wasn’t here to tell Eddie some lies, tell him that he wanted to borrow a book or something, even though he’d gotten used to reading a little before bed. But he needed this, needed to know that Eddie was well and alive and awake.

“Yeah, Wayne told me that you stayed a couple of nights.”

“A couple…” Steve had to smile at that. “Pretty much every night.”

While Eddie knew that Steve had stayed with him, had read to him, he hadn’t known up until now just how often, how long Steve had stayed. It caught him by surprise, but it also made his heart swell at the thought of Steve watching over him. Last night, he’d experienced it consciously, and he’d slept a lot better with Steve around.

“Come on, sit!” Eddie pulled up his feet to sit cross-legged on top of the bed, to make some room for Steve, because he really didn’t have to stay by the door.

Steve hesitated just for a moment, but then he stepped closer and flopped down on the bed, leaning his back against the wall. Eddie wanted to ask, wanted to know what was going on inside that pretty head, but he also didn’t want to push Steve.

“I think I always had to make sure that you were really there, that you were breathing and not just…” He threw his hands up with a sigh, before he dropped them into his lap again. “Just vanish or stop breathing.”

Eddie watched him intently, saw the fear in his eyes when Steve glanced at him just for a second.

“We thought you were dead down there.” Steve shook his head, taking a deep breath.

“But you saved me, and for that I’ll always be grateful.” Eddie reached out his hand to take one of Steve’s in his. The simple hand-holding was enough to calm Steve down a bit, his breathing evening out.

“It’s the nightmares, right?” Eddie asked now, still holding Steve’s hand, feeling him tense up a little, so he did what he’d done before and rubbed his thumb in circles over the back of Steve’s hand. “You mentioned yesterday that you have them as well.”

“Right.” Yes, Steve remembered. He remembered everything that had happened the night before. The way he’d held Eddie after he’d woken up, the way their hands had fit perfectly together - just like they did now - when he’d read to Eddie, and how he’d fallen asleep like this.

“You know, it’s not just what we’ve been through together, seeing you there in your own blood… the demobat attacks…” Steve licked his lips, because his own scars would always remind him of that. “There were already nightmares before that. I dream about the Russians all the time, ‘cause I don’t even know how we made it out of there.”

“Russians?” They’d mentioned something, Eddie remembered, but so far, there hadn’t been time for them to tell him the whole story.

“Dustin overheard a Russian radio message and we figured it out. Turns out they were operating beneath the Starcourt Mall, and me and Robin were captured by them… tortured because they wanted information.” Steve shook his head at the memory. He still had scars from that incident, and the blows to his head had messed with his hearing. “Since then I think I can’t hear properly in my left ear.”

“Fuck, Stevie,” Eddie said with a sigh, glad that Steve was opening up to him. It was such an intimate moment, so full of buried emotions, that he didn’t want to push Steve any further. If he wanted to keep talking, he’d be here to listen, but right now, he just wanted to scoop Steve up and take care of him for a change.

“It’s just… a lot.”

“That’s an understatement.” Eddie had heard from Dustin that Steve had been pretty much involved since the start of this whole… mess. That he’d been there since the girl with the superpowers had arrived, and there was probably a lot more that Eddie hadn’t heard so far. “No wonder you have nightmares.”

“Most of them are about not being able to save the people I love.” Steve pinched the bridge of his nose with the hand that wasn’t held by Eddie. He was exhausted, completely worn-out, and that brought the headache on.

“Come on… you watched over me last night, so let me return the favour.”

“You really don’t have to!” Though just the thought of it warmed Steve’s heart, because that meant that he’d be able to stay in Eddie’s presence.

“I could read the Lord of the Rings to you, pick up where we left off last night.”

“Only if you tell me right now that Pippin gets home safe!” Peregrine Took had won his heart straight away, maybe because he reminded him of Dustin sometimes, so he had to be sure that nothing would happen to the fool of a Took.

“I don’t want to spoil the story, Steve,” Eddie said with a teasing smile, but then he nodded. “Yeah, nothing happens to him.”

“Good, because otherwise I would have to burn all these books.” There was finally a small smile playing on Steve’s lips, which was quickly followed by a yawn. When he wanted to get up from the bed to find a chair to sit and fall asleep in, Eddie stopped him.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Steve simply pointed at the armchair that was standing in one corner.

“Oh no, definitely not.” Eddie shook his head and moved to the edge of the bed. “It’s not a huge bed, but there’s still room for both of us. I won’t let you sleep in a chair for another night. Lie down and get comfortable.”

Steve hesitated for a moment, but he could already feel the pain in his back, when he looked at the chair. He stretched his body out between Eddie and the wall and sighed. While being so close to Eddie made his heart beat faster, it also made him feel all warm and fuzzy - and relaxed. To take the book in his hands, Eddie had to let go of Steve’s hand, but that was alright now.

“I’m here, alright?” Eddie saw Steve’s lips curl up into a smile upon his words, which made himself smile in turn. He opened the book to the last page he remembered Steve reading to him and picked up where they’d left off the night before.

“The Lord Faramir was walking alone in the garden of the Houses of Healing, and the sunlight warmed him, and he felt life run new in his veins.” Eddie cast a look at Steve, who was breathing evenly, eyes closed. He turned towards Eddie, lying on his side now. He looked so content that it made Eddie smile. He kept on reading until he was sure that Steve was fast asleep, then he turned off the light and stretched out next to Eddie, falling into a deep sleep himself, and the both slept through the night, no nightmares to be found anywhere.

Tag-list: @dreamsoffilm

Let me know if you want to be tagged for the Promises-series, Eddie x Reader stuff in general or Steddie-fics 💚

#steddie #steddie fanfic #steddie imagine #steve harrington x eddie munson #eddie munson x steve harrington #eddie x steve #steve x eddie #stranger things imagine #stranger things fanfic #steveddie #staffi writes #i see your true colours

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sskk-ao3feed · 2 years

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This Shit Again! - TCFAG 3

by FanGirl09

The ADA rushes Kenji to the hospital while Sora is on her way. It is a long road to recovery for Kenji, one that has many bumps in the road. In the meantime, Dazai makes some progress on surveying the enemy and the baton is passed to Chuuya. The war with the Sheep is just beginning.

Of course this book includes more crack, more fluff, and yes, more angst (would it really be a FanGirl09 story without any angst? Impossible!). Along with all the serious stuff comes relationships, more of Poe's backstory and how he deals with Melissa, Dazai and Junichiro continuing their recovery, Gin struggling to get back on her feet, and many more hamster related shenanigans. I hope that you'll stick around for another book full of bullshit :)

TRIGGER WARNING: Each chapter has it's own individual warning, but general warnings go for-- Eating Disorders, Blood, Vomiting, Abuse, Physical Violence, Mental Breakdowns, Self-Harm, mentions of Suicide, bullying, verbal abuse (more to potentially be added). Everything has been seriously researched as I want to do this right, no romanticizing of serious issues.

Words: 96292, Chapters: 22/?, Language: English

Series: Part 3 of The Groupchat of Chaos

Fandoms: 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/F, F/M, M/M

Characters: Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Dazai Osamu (Bungou Stray Dogs), Kunikida Doppo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Akutagawa Ryuunosuke (Bungou Stray Dogs), Akutagawa Gin, Tachihara Michizou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Tanizaki Junichirou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Tanizaki Naomi, Yosano Akiko (Bungou Stray Dogs), Edogawa Ranpo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Miyazawa Kenji (Bungou Stray Dogs), Izumi Kyouka (Bungou Stray Dogs), Haruno Kirako, Fukuzawa Yukichi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Tayama Katai (Bungou Stray Dogs), Karl (Bungou Stray Dogs), Edgar Allan Poe (Bungou Stray Dogs), Lucy Maud Montgomery (Bungou Stray Dogs), Higuchi Ichiyou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs), Mori Ougai (Bungou Stray Dogs), Elise (Bungou Stray Dogs), Ozaki Kouyou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Hirotsu Ryuurou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Kajii Motojirou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Yuan (Bungou Stray Dogs), Shirase (Bungou Stray Dogs), Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (Bungou Stray Dogs), Louisa May Alcott (Bungou Stray Dogs), Original Miyazawa Family Members, Other Original Characters

Relationships: Dazai Osamu/Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs), Akutagawa Ryuunosuke/Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Izumi Kyouka/Miyazawa Kenji (Bungou Stray Dogs), Haruno Kirako/Kunikida Doppo, Higuchi Ichiyou/Sakaguchi Ango, Edogawa Ranpo/Yosano Akiko (Bungou Stray Dogs), Fukuzawa Yukichi/Mori Ougai (Bungou Stray Dogs), Akutagawa Gin/Tachihara Michizou, Nakajima Atsushi & Tanizaki Junichirou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Izumi Kyouka & Miyazawa Kenji & Nakajima Atsushi & Tanizaki Junichirou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Izumi Kyouka & Miyazawa Kenji (Bungou Stray Dogs), Izumi Kyouka & Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Tanizaki Junichirou & Tanizaki Naomi, Miyazawa Kenji & Tanizaki Junichirou (Bungou Stray Dogs), Akutagawa Gin & Akutagawa Ryuunosuke, Dazai Osamu & Kunikida Doppo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Edogawa Ranpo & Edgar Allan Poe (Bungou Stray Dogs), Lucy Maud Montgomery & Edgar Allan Poe (Bungou Stray Dogs), Louisa May Alcott & Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (Bungou Stray Dogs), Sakaguchi Ango & Tsujimura Mizuki (Bungou Stray Dogs)

Additional Tags: Miyazawa Kenji has an Eating Disorder, Tanizaki Junichirou Has PTSD, Dazai Osamu Has PTSD (Bungou Stray Dogs), Bullying, Pregnant Haruno, Izumi Kyouka and Miyazawa Kenji are in School, Daijiro is a little shit, the sheep are back on their bullshit, so is Melissa, Nakajima Atsushi has Nightmares, Nakahara Chuuya Needs a Hug (Bungou Stray Dogs), Established Dazai Osamu/Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs), Armed Detective Agency Member Lucy, Armed Detective Agency Member Poe, More Bullshit, Gin is still recovering, One Big Family, Screw the sheep tho, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Autistic Edogawa Ranpo (Bungou Stray Dogs), Autistic Edgar Allan Poe (Bungou Stray Dogs)

source https://archiveofourown.org/works/37618984

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goldheartedsky · 1 year

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Five things I never tire of writing

got tagged by @ongreenergrasses and it was really fun to think about what my main draws are!

1) DeVOtion, baby

MAN this is the big one, isn't it? This is what it comes down to. We are ride or fucking die with this love, you hear me? I don't care if it's healthy, if it's toxic, if it's gonna destroy one or both of these characters, the devotion is gonna BE THERE. The world could be on fire but as long as it's you and me, we gonna be alright. I love writing about devotion in both fanfic and in original fiction—I truly cannot get enough of it.

2) Forgiveness

There's the other side of that coin. When it all goes wrong, how are you gonna find your way through it? How are you gonna pull that bit of you that wants to hate so much—because it'd be so easy—and turn it into forgiveness? It's such a hard theme because sometimes choosing forgiveness isn't the easiest choice but a necessary one, both for yourself and the other person. It's such a powerful emotion and a catharsis when you finally find yourself on the other side.

3) Grey Antagonists

Call me an absolute lunatic, but I can redeem almost any antagonist in my story. Doesn't matter if it's Francesca in Fireproof or my main character's father in my novel, these villains aren't always what they seem at first read. I think having a big scary boogeyman as a main antagonist is so incredibly lazy and, with good enough storytelling, you can make damn near anyone sympathetic.

4) Difficult subject matter

It doesn't matter if it's eating disorders, PTSD, addiction, spousal abuse, whatever, I really do love tackling these hard to discuss and hard to read issues. And I always strive to give them a lot of nuance and show the reality of what these issues are like, because so much of fanfic glosses over the messy, traumatic parts of it in effort to find that happy ending. I did a lot of research when tackling stuff like eating disorders in Tripping on Stars or domestic violence in the Cherry Wine verse, and have been told I've written everything really well. Sometimes a happy ending is just getting to your next meeting. Sometimes a happy ending is just picking yourself up after a relapse. It's not failure until you stop moving forward.

5) Kinky stuff

I'd be a liar if I said I didn't love writing niche porn. Doesn't matter if it's CBT or sounding or boot worship, I'm probably into it. There's arguably less kinks that I'm not into than stuff I am into, so I like to shake the grab-bag around when I can. I do have my favorite kinks and it'd probably be pretty easy to tell which ones they are, but please don't drag me on hellsite dot com 😂

Tagging @quinbi, @captain-grammar, and @jakeseresinfag. Expose yourselves, heathens

#writing stuff

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mielmoto · 2 years

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𝑇𝑅𝐴𝐼𝑇𝑆 & 𝐶𝐻𝐴𝑅𝐴𝐶𝑇𝐸𝑅𝐼𝑆𝑇𝐼𝐶𝑆

repost & tag away !

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

honey would probably default to using words like ‘bisexual’ or stuff in conversation when it was the easiest possible alternative, but really she doesn’t see the point in pinning a specific word on it most of the time— she’s just interested in whoever, whenever, and that goes for romantic and sexual attraction. she does, at points, use the word “sapphic” in some conversations, mostly to reaffirm that, yes, she is interested in femme-presenting people, and even has a slight preference toward them. but also just because she thinks the flag is neat.

‘swearing’ is not a negative trait, get outta here

various ‘disorders’ highlighted for ADHD because, let’s be honest, it affects a lot of fields and is a pretty complex neurodevelopmental disorder, so any single tag wouldn’t quite fit.

i didn’t highlight ‘attempted to kill someone’ because i’d say it’s generally something honey would avoid but... y’know, use your discretion where verses would obviously lean otherwise (game verses like genshin, fire emblem, etc.)

#about.#details.#dash games.

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greyfix · 2 years

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Never Again

Ship: Kirishima Eijirou/Bakugou Katsuki

Summary: Katsuki and Eijirou run into each other in the kitchen late at night. Katsuki decides to open up. Never Again would they sleep apart.

Word Count: 1.1k

Requested By: n/a

Warnings/Tags: Insomnia,Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Bakugou Katsuki is Bad at Feelings, Bakugou Katsuki Needs a Hug, Bakugou Katsuki-centric, Supportive Kirishima Eijirou, Light Angst, Mainly Fluff, Fluff, Kirishima Eijirou is a Ray of Sunshine

Author’s Note: I wrote this one a while back, believe it or not, while watching a hockey game. It was stuck in beta for a while though, and i had other stuff to post. You guys got any ideas for what I should do next?

Ao3,

Katsuki had gotten sick of the protein bars he kept in his room, especially after eating them almost every night when he inevitably got hungry. He hasn't been sleeping so well these days, and since the dorm eats dinner so early, he’s usually still wide awake when he’s ready to eat again.

He had just washed his dishes and was filling up a water bottle to bring into his room when he heard footsteps. He tensed, turning off the water before freezing. He remained completely still, until the source of the noise walked into the kitchen. When he saw that messy red hair, he relaxed almost instantly.

Eijirou did a double take, “You’re still awake? I thought you’d be passed out by now.” Katsuki took a moment to answer him. He usually would be passed out by now. Normally he makes a point to go to bed only a couple hours after dinner. He even said goodnight earlier, before going back to his room for the night. But after everything that has happened lately it's just not as easy as it used to be. “I’m used to being on guard. I don’t know how to relax anymore,” is what he said when he finally spoke.

Eijirou, who had walked to the pantry to grab a box of cereal, looked over at Katsuki in surprise. He wasn’t one to share his feelings openly, even with Kirishima.

They were silent for a while. Just continuing their tasks in silence. Eijirou was trying to be tactful with his response. He knew that if he said the wrong thing, Katsuki would just calm down. Then they wouldn’t get anywhere. Katsuki was just internally yelling at himself for actually saying that outloud.

You fucking dumbass, you’re no better than the other extras with that mushy bullshit. He thought to himself. Externally he just closed his water bottle and sat at the kitchen island, watching Eijirou pour his milk before his cereal like an absolute heathen.

When the silence was finally broken, it was Eijirou who initiated it. “That’s understandable,” he said in a surprisingly upbeat tone for someone who’s talking through such a big mouthful of Frosted Flakes that he should be choking.

Katsuki raised an eyebrow, urging him to continue.

“I mean think about it,” Eijirou said after swallowing. He waved his spoon in the air, flinging milk all over the kitchen.

This is why we have ants goddammit. Katsuki thought

Eijirou ignored the look Katsuki gave him and continued gesticulating as he talked.“Any one of us in this class could be diagnosed with PTSD, and a myriad of other things. I mean we’ve all been through trauma during LOV attacks. You, more than any of us. Plus we’re literally going through training to stay alert constantly.” Eijirou paused. “Honestly, I’m pretty sure most of us have trouble sleeping”

When Eijirou was done talking Katsuki stared at him for a long time. This is far from what he was expecting. He thought he’d just get a ‘ah dude it’s cool, you know since you were kidnapped and stuff, like a weakling’ not an actual valid answer.

Really fucking annoying when he’s right, Katsuki thought to himself.

It was obvious that Eijirou didn’t expect Katsuki to have a response, since he kept talking. “You know, babe, you could always come to my room if you can't sleep. I know better than to suggest you stay up with the rest of us in the common room, but you could always hang in my room until I come back,” He smiled. “I’ll never turn down more quality time, and quality cuddles, with my boyfriend.”

Katsuki rolled his eyes, but only because he didn’t want to give Eijirou the satisfaction of a smile. Eijirou had this way of turning heavy things so light. He made his emotions seem so strong, yet still manageable. He made things not seem so overwhelming. Though he knew this was true, he’d never admit it outloud to Eijriou. Especially knowing that he didn’t need to, cause Eijirou already knew.

He’d never taken comfort in someone knowing him so well. Maybe that was because the only person who had ever known him this well was Deku. Or maybe he just didn’t like opening up, and was just a very private person. Maybe both.

“We’ll see about that,” He finally said in response to Eijirou’s offer.

The redhead had stepped away from his cereal and walked over to the side of the island that Katsuki was sitting at. He stood right next to him before placing his big hands on Katsuki’s hips and twisting him around on the barstool so that he was facing him. He leaned close and pressed a soft, chaste kiss on Katsuki’s lips. “Come and stay with me tonight,” he was so close that Katsuki could feel the words on his lips.

He almost sighed at the thought, but he insisted on being difficult. “You that desperate to get me into bed? Using comforting my insomnia as a way to get into my pants?” He growled playfully.

Eijirou rolled his eyes, “You wouldn’t process any of your emotions if it wasn’t for me, babe. I deserve some cuddles. Thought i wouldn’t be opposed-”

Katsuki interrupted him with a forceful kiss on the lips. “Shut the fuck up,” he said when he pulled away for a miniscule amount of time before getting right back to business. Nipping at eijirou’s bottom lip with his teeth, and tangling his hands in the larger boy’s hair.

Eijirou moaned into his mouth, before pulling Katsuki to the edge of the stool so he was pressed between his legs. The kiss may have started out forceful, but when Eijirou curled his tongue into the roof of Katsuki’s mouth the boy nearly went limp, allowing Eijirou full control.

The kiss became slow.. All of the emotions they would never talk about outloud flowing through them. This kiss wasn’t about physical need, but about emotional need. It was about Katsuki trusting Eijirou enough to spill his unfiltered thoughts to him. It was about Eijirou immediately taking him seriously and offering comfort and solutions.

“I love you,” Eijirou said through a panting breath , when he finally pulled away from Katsuki. He could feel the vibrations against his lips. They were so close.

That’s what this kiss was about.

They walked hand in hand back to Eijirou’s room, and that’s where they slept.

Eijirou would lay down on his back and Katsuki would curl into his side, eyes closed. They would hold each other close in comfort and happiness. In love.

They stayed that way, in comfortable silence for a long time, before, finally, they fell asleep.

And when they woke in the morning, they both knew that this was the best sleep they had in a long time.

When they woke in the morning, they knew that neither of them would sleep without the other again.

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