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firelxdykatara · 3 years

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gods, ok, apparently i’m not done.

atla fandom? we need to have a chat.

(....ok that made me sound pretentious as fuck. and maybe i am, but this needs to be said, cause i’m getting....real, real tired of a Certain Corner of this fandom and as a result, this is gonna be a discourse-heavy post so feel free to scroll past if that’s not your bag. as always, my salt posts all carry the catch-all #salt for ts tag, which you’re free to blacklist/filter at your leisure. i’m Very Annoyed at the moment, which will probably come through in the following post, so just. yknow. be prepared for that. or ignore it, that’s perfectly valid too.)

under a cut bc i do care for my followers and their sanity i swear lmao

there’s a real serious issue in this fandom with not understanding what queer terminology actually means or implies, especially when applied to a fictional narrative.

i’m specifically talking about ‘coding’, here. (if i were in a more meme-y mood, i might have said ‘the atla fandom found out about the term “gay-coding” and haven’t shut up since’.)

to the people who say ‘zuko is gay-coded’, i have this to say: you keep using that word. i do not think it means what you think it means. because he isn’t. i’m sorry, but he’s not! and the fact that this is such a prevalent claim in this fandom is distressing, bc it says to me that none of y’all know what gay-coding is or when and how to apply it! please, i’m begging you, go and look up these terms and what they mean and when they should be used before actually trying to plug them into your critical analysis, because when you misuse them and then call other people delusional for disagreeing with you it casts a pall over the entire fandom and is, i think, the root of some of the worst toxicity this fandom has to offer.

and the thing is, there are cases where gay-coding would apply--for instance, a couple series that are famous for queerbaiting their audience by coding their main characters as being attracted to one another (sometimes even despite their openly stated sexualities) come to mind, but those shows bare no similarities at all to atla and how zuko was written and portrayed! (and it would be funny, if it weren’t so obnoxious and infuriatingly wide-spread throughout the fandom, because the only queer couple we actually seen on-screen in either show wasn’t even queer-coded in any respect, and they’re canonically bi! [yes, i’m shading korrasami, or more accurately i’m shading bryke for refusing to give ka the build-up and development they deserved].)

this absolutely isn’t to say that headcanoning zuko as gay is a bad thing or invalid in any respect. (although the tendency for zukka shippers to do this specifically to keep zuko away from katara and/or invalidate his canon relationship/attraction to girls is more than a little eyebrow raising. especially since sokka is usually allowed to be bi, bc fans have no problem letting sukka stay in the background bc it’s no real threat, while jetko shippers are happy to have both boys be bi. [possibly bc katara is less a threat to jetko bc jetkotara is every bit as valid as any single ship between the three, but zukka can’t exactly let katara join in, and if the potential exists for zuko to be attracted to her then canon giving them the far deeper emotional bond becomes a threat to zukka’s existence? idk for sure--you be the judge.]) i prefer to hc zuko as bi (and always have, long before the atla renaissance), bc i don’t think zuko being attracted to boys is outside the realm of possibility, and it isn’t a threat to my ship since zuko&katara had a deep and emotional bond in canon that is very easy to develop further into something that becomes explicitly romantic--but the headcanon itself isn’t really the problem (although what it’s often in service to can be).

it’s the strange insistence that this is the only way to read his character, bc he was coded that way and so anyone who doesn’t see it must be too straight to understand--and i really shouldn’t have to say why and how that is so incredibly fucking insulting. (the ‘hetero lenses’ comment wasn’t cute when it came from bryke six years ago, and the same sentiment being repackaged and delivered by zukka shippers ain’t cute now.)

calling zuko gay-coded not only demonstrates ignorance as to what the term actually means, and how to usefully apply it in critical analysis, but also validates the frankly bullshit insertion of institutionalized homophobia in the world of atla where it was neither needed, nor wanted, nor ever hinted at in canon. as a queer woman i’m still infuriated by one fucking comic panel shoving institutionalized and systemic homophobia into a world where it was entirely unnecessary (and doing this in the first installment of the franchise showcasing a queer relationship??? making korra and asami worried about ‘coming out’ when they could have just gone on to have cute adventures together and tell people ‘hey we’re dating’ and have everyone else be ‘that’s awesome =DDD’ [because it is, in fact, possible to just have a world without homophobia i promise!!!!!] double yikes, i’m still pissed at bryke about it), and i doubly hate that ‘zuko is gay coded’ has become so widespread that ‘ozai hates him bc he’s gay’ has become a staple in that part of the fandom.

not only does making zuko gay and implying (or outright stating) that ozai hated and abused him because of it completely undermine zuko’s character arc by making his abuse about his sexuality rather than ozai’s toxic pride and anger at seeing himself reflected in his ‘weak’ son, but it comes very close to outright stating that abuse and trauma are inherently gay experiences, and they aren’t!!! they really aren’t, i promise!!!

abuse and trauma narratives exist outside of ‘my dad hates me because i’m gay’. and, quite frankly, there are MORE THAN ENOUGH queer trauma narratives out in the world. we do not need to start trying to retroactively make them canon in a series where they didn’t exist! if you’re gay and see yourself in zuko and project your own experiences on him, that’s understandable and valid. that does not make zuko gay-coded. and honestly, the insistence that he is makes very little sense to me, because you’re essentially trying to give the show credit for work you put into interpreting the characters! why would you want to do that? why not own your own headcanons and take credit for them, rather than insisting they are canon and everyone else is wrong for not seeing them??? like, i’ve said before that i’ve always headcanoned zuko (and katara) as bi, and even support it with my interpretations of evidence from the show, but the difference between ‘i think zuko is bi’ and ‘zuko is definitely gay-coded’ is that i know that bi zuko is my interpretation of canon, and that it is work i’m putting into the show that wasn’t actually intended by the creators/writers, no matter how much sexual tension i read into the jetko swordfight.

and like, zuko’s character arc doesn’t actually parallel a queer one all that well to begin with. it’s easy enough to do the work and twist it sideways just enough to make the general points fit, but the fact is, zuko’s arc is not one of self-discovery. it’s not one of coming to understand something fundamental about himself that he can’t change, that he was hated for, and coming out to his father in a dramatic confrontation where he shows that he understands himself and doesn’t need his father’s acceptance to be fulfilled.

zuko’s arc is actually one of trauma and healing. and those can (and often are--like i said, there are more than enough queer trauma narratives in the world, atla really doesn’t need to be one of them) be part of queer narratives, for sure! but they aren’t uniquely queer. and zuko’s confrontation with ozai during the eclipse doesn’t read like a ‘coming out’ at all. (yes, i’ve seen that post. yes, i rolled my eyes and moved on, bc unlike some people, i’m capable of not clowning on correctly tagged posts i disagree with.) zuko is specifically confronting ozai over his abuse, because his arc wasn’t about discovering anything fundamental about himself (and therefore realizing that ozai was hating him for something he couldn’t change)--it was about realizing that he was not at fault for the way his father treated him. it was also about realizing that the fire nation was broken and corrupt at its core, and that his father was an aspect of that he needed to break away from so that he could help the world begin to heal.

he says it himself:

Zuko: No, I've learned everything! And I've had to learn it on my own! Growing up, we were taught that the Fire Nation was the greatest civilization in history. And somehow, the War was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. What an amazing lie that was. The people of the world are terrified by the Fire Nation. They don't see our greatness. They hate us! And we deserve it! We've created an era of fear in the world. And if we don't want the world to destroy itself, we need to replace it with an era of peace and kindness.

making this about zuko being gay and rejecting ozai’s homophobia, rather than zuko learning fundamental truths about the world and about his home and about how there was something deeply wrong with his nation that needed to be fixed in order for the world to heal (and, no, ‘homophobia’ is not the answer to ‘what is wrong with the fire nation’, i’m still fucking pissed at bryke about that), misses the entire point of his character arc. this is the culmination of zuko realizing that he should never have had to earn his father’s love, because that should have been unconditional from the start. this is zuko realizing that he was not at fault for his father’s abuse--that speaking out of turn in a war meeting in no way justified fighting a duel with a child.

is that first realization (that a parent’s love should be unconditional, and if it isn’t, then that is the parent’s fault and not the child’s) something that queer kids in homophobic households/families can relate to? of course it is. but it’s also something that every other abused kid, straight kids and even queer kids who were abused for other reasons before they even knew they were anything other than cishet, can relate to as well. in that respect, it is not a uniquely queer experience, nor is it a uniquely queer story, and zuko not being attracted to girls (which is what a lot of it seems to boil down to, at the end of the day--cutting down zuko’s potential ships so that only zukka and a few far more niche ships are left standing) is not necessary to his character arc. nor does it particularly make sense.

(and before anyone brings up his date with jin--a) he enjoyed it when she kissed him, and b) he was a traumatized, abused child going out on a first date. of course he was fucking awkward. have you ever met a teenage boy????)

anyway, uh, that was a lot of words, so have a tl;dr: zuko is not gay-coded. there is nothing uniquely gay (or even uniquely queer) about his character arc or characterization, and he was certainly not coded gay in an attempt to sneak a queer character past the censors. if anyone involved with atla was gonna try that, it would’ve been in lok, and as established, they didn’t even manage to queer-code the actual queer relationship before the last few minutes of the final episode. headcanoning zuko as gay is absolutely fine (though if it’s only done to keep him away from female characters he may otherwise be attracted to, that smells more like misogyny than anything else), but insisting that this reading is the only one that makes sense, and anyone who doesn’t agree must be straight (hello, queer woman here making this insanely long thinkpiece) is very much not.

ship what you like, but stop trying to invalidate other ships and other interpretations of characters just to make your ship seem more plausible. it’s really not a good look.

#atla #zuko #zukka salt #more like zukka shipper salt #atla fandom salt #salt for ts #zuko is not gay coded and im so so tired of seeing that argument in this fandom #it's fine as a hc but it's not canon and was never remotely intended and his arc isn't particularly evocative of a gay narrative #long post #queer things

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theweasleysredhair · 4 years

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CHLOE MY LOVE! congrats on 4.6k -- honestly not sure how you don't have a million more followers because your blog and your writing is freaking brilliant! so happy to have formed a genuine friendship with you :') brb getting emotional. anyway! for your event, could you write a little something with my love george with a few different prompts? is that allowed? 3 and 8 from angst, 10 from fluff? who's surprised, i'm all fluff, congrats again my darling you deserve it all x

thank you so so much angel!! 💕 of course i decided i had to do a fake dating drabble for you erica, i got v carried away with it too so hope you like a super long drabble that turned into practically a whole fic - enjoy! ❤️

theweasleysredhair’s 4.6k follower event!

3. “I told you not to fall in love with me.”

8. “I can’t pretend anymore.”

10. “Because I love you.”

~~~

Character: George Weasley

Word Count: 1884

WARNING: there’s no ‘read more’ bc i’m on mobile and couldn’t get it to work hahaha i apologise

Taglist: @dreamer821 @gracemayhateyou @criminalyetminimal @firewhisky-kisses @obsessedwithrandomthings @angelinathebook @iprobablyshipit91 @potterverseimagine @slytherineheir @kpopgirlbtssvt @rexorangecouny @wand3ringr0s3 @ickle-ronniekins @sehunasbitch @cryingforcrystalpepsi @kashishwrites @girl-next-door-writes @susceptible-but-siriusexual @crissdanvers @besitos-41 @heart-of-tempered-steel @andineversawyoucoming @mytreec | message or send an ask to be added/removed!

Disclaimer: Gif isn’t mine, credit goes to whoever made it

~*~

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST MY WORK! REBLOGS ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE! <3

+ + + + +

“I need you to date me.”

In shock, you dropped too many of the porcupine quills into your potion, making the liquid turn a nasty shade of green and sizzle as it practically exploded across the table. You sighed frustratedly, grabbing your wand and cleaning up the potion before turning to the person who spoke - one half of the Weasley twins and one of your best friends, George Weasley - who apparently found your reaction extremely amusing.

“I beg your pardon?” You asked, crossing your arms over your chest. The hint of a smile was still etched onto his face as he leaned forward, “I need you to date me.”

You felt yourself grow warm at the thought, “You’re joking, right?” “For once, I am not,” he shook his head, “I um, I told this girl I couldn’t go to the Yule Ball with her because I had a girlfriend who I’m going with instead. Except, I don’t have a girlfriend. So you can see my dilemma.”

“This may be a stupid question but... if you don’t have a girlfriend, why did you tell her you do?” You raised an eyebrow, half curious, half amused.

“I didn’t want to be rude and just tell her no because she was really sweet. So now I need to find someone to date me, and I thought of you,” he explained with a shrug, playing with some of the potion ingredients you’d left at the end of your table.

“There are so many other girls you could have-“

“I don’t want anyone else, I want you,” he said almost desperately, before sighing downheartedly, “C’mon, it wouldn’t be so bad, and it wouldn’t have to be for long! Just until the Yule Ball. It’s not like we’d have to pretend that much! I spend most of my free time with you as it is.”

“How do you know I don’t already have a date, huh?” You asked, beginning to start your potion all over again before Snape got the chance to scold you.

George’s face dropped and his jaw clenched, “What do you mean? Who asked you?”

“Well, no one. But my point was, what if they had?”

“Then you’d tell them you’ve been given a better option - me - and that they were never good enough for you. You know, the truth,” he nodded triumphantly, running a hand through his hair.

You shook your head at him with a smile, glancing up at him before your gaze travelled back to your potion.

“So what do you say?”

You pondered it for a moment, before replying, “Fine.”

George broke out into a large grin, wrapping his arms around you and very nearly swinging you around the room in excitement, “Darling, you are the best! I owe you big time!”

“Yes, you do. Now, do we have any rules we need to discuss?”

“Like what?”

“Like, I don’t know, a backstory, how we got together, how far we’d go with PDA - I vote not too far if I’m honest,” you said nervously, toying with the hem of your jumper.

“Well I vote the opposite, I think we should have lots of PDA constantly, all the time!”

“George,” you said warningly, though you couldn’t help the way your lips curved into a smile.

“Fine,” he dragged out the last syllable, “I can only think of one rule. A very important rule that I’m sure you might have a hard time not breaking.”

“Go on?”

“Whatever you do, don’t fall in love with me!” His eyes widened dramatically as he pointed at you. “No chance of that happening, don’t you worry,” you laughed, stirring the potion.

“Well that was rude of you,” he said in mock hurt, a hand on his heart as he pouted at you. You cracked a smile and shook your head, “Oh be quiet will you, and pass me the rest of those porcupine quills, I have to finish redoing this potion that you made me ruin.”

“Nagging me already,” George mumbled, “We really are a couple.”

***

You realised pretty quickly that you were wrong about there being no chance of falling for George. So very wrong. Turns out the chances of falling for George Weasley were 100%, because somewhere between being his friend and being more, you fell head over heels in love with him.

If you were honest with yourself, you’d had feelings for him before the whole fake-dating, but figured you’d mistaken them for feelings of strong friendship.

Now you knew - you didn’t want to be his friend, you wanted him to snog you against a wall as he whispered sweet nothings in your ear.

And all of this was because of one simple kiss. You hadn’t expected it, didn’t know it was going to happen. All you knew was that one minute you were walking down the hallway with George’s arm around your shoulder - not even for show, really, he just walked with you like that anyway - and the next, your back was against a pillar, your eyes widening as you stared up at George, feeling yourself growing warm.

“W-What’s going on?” You stammered out, heart pounding as you lost yourself in his brown eyes, suddenly getting the urge to run your hand through his ginger hair and pull him by his tie down into a kiss.

“She’s watching,” he murmured, nodding subtly down to the end of the hallway. You couldn’t see anyone, but took his word for it as you figured you were just overwhelmingly flustered from the proximity.

And suddenly you realised what position you were in: his hands either side of your head, trapping you between his chest and the pillar, your own chest barely an inch away from him and his legs brushing against your own.

Your breath hitched in your mouth, noticing how his eyes flickered from your eyes down to your mouth before moving back up again. Your lips parted a little, chin tilting ever-so-slightly upwards as you waited to see what he’d do.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” He murmured, and suddenly his lips were on yours, pulling you into a desperate kiss, him cupping your cheek to bring you closer, his other hand sliding down the pillar to grab your waist.

This wasn’t a kiss from someone who was just a friend. This was a kiss that made your toes curl, set your skin on fire and made you want more - so much more.

And in that moment you realised you loved him. You didn’t want to go back to being George’s friend, not when you knew how his lips felt against yours, how his hands felt holding your waist.

He’d finally pulled away for air, still pressing shorter kisses to your lips as you both breathed heavily, and you dragged a hand through his hair, just how you’d imagined.

You knew, right then, that you were in love with him. All of a sudden, and very very full on.

After that, you suddenly noticed and admired everything about him, from the way he laughed to the way he bit his lip as he glanced your way.

And the thought of breaking this whole dating thing off - something that you’d both planned to happen the day after the Yule Ball - made you feel sick to your stomach. The thought of never kissing him again made you want to scream.

You couldn’t imagine going back to being friends. Not when you’d had a taster of what it was like to be George Weasley’s girlfriend.

You argued with yourself, one half of you wanting to end it with him now in order to save yourself further heartbreak, and the other half wanting to continue for as long as possible. It was all you could think about, from the moment you woke up in the morning to the moment you went to sleep at night. And you decided you couldn’t keep going like this, it wasn’t fair to you.

You couldn’t keep pretending you weren’t in love with the ginger boy.

And so, when you found yourself sat in his common room late one night two weeks after that first fateful kiss, sharing one of the red plush couches with him, his leg pressed next to yours and your heart racing, the rest of the students already in their dorms, you decided to be honest with him.

“George?”

“Yes?” George waited for your reply, however at the silence, he looked up curiously, finding you chewing on your lip in thought.

“Are you okay, love?” He asked, concern seeping into his voice as he looked at you, noticing how restless you appeared, how lost in thought.

“I um.. yes? I mean no,” you frowned, “I mean- I don’t know.”

He shifted, his body tilting towards yours and he grabbed your hands in his, bringing them up to his lips so he could press a kiss to you knuckles, “What’s wrong, what’s going on?”

“I can’t pretend anymore, Georgie,” you whispered, afraid if you spoke any louder your voice would fail you.

“What do you mean, you can’t pretend? You’re scaring me, princess, please tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours,” he frowned, hating the idea of anything even remotely bothering you.

“I can’t pretend to be your girlfriend anymore.”

And suddenly George felt like he’d been winded, a pain in his chest he could only liken to heartbreak, if he was to be so dramatic.

“What?” His voice was small, especially in the silent room. He wanted to know why. Had he done something wrong? Made you feel uncomfortable at one point? He’d hate himself if he had.

“I can’t pretend because- because I fell in love with you,” you breathed out, lips trembling as you stared at your clasped hands, “This isn’t pretend for me anymore, this is real! And it’s scary, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

There was a silence and you couldn’t bring yourself to look up at him, not wanting to see the look on his face as he tried to come up with, you presumed, a way to reject you.

“You wanna know why I asked you to be my fake girlfriend?” He asked suddenly, squeezing your hands and waiting for you to nod slightly at him, before continuing, “Because I wanted a reason to ask you to the Yule Ball without being rejected. Because I wanted to spend even more time with you, to have a glimpse at what it would be like to date you. Because-because I love you.”

Your felt your heart skip a beat as you finally looked up at him, meeting his eyes as he smiled at you.

“You love me?” You whispered.

“Always have, I reckon.”

You couldn’t help the grin that spread across your face as you allowed him to pull you closer to him, “Well I guess it’s definitely a good job I fell for you, huh?”

He grinned cheekily, biting his lip as he replied jokingly, “Well, I don’t know really, I mean, I thought I told you not to fall in love with me.”

“Yeah, well,” you spoke, letting a soft smile creep onto your face,

“As it turns out, I just couldn’t help myself.”

#4.6k follower drabble event #george weasley #george x reader #george weasley x reader #george weasley imagine #george weasley imagines #weasley twins #weasley twins imagine #weasley twins imagines #hp #harry potter #all queue have to do is follow the spiders

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topperthornton · 3 years

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forever stuck in our youth- ch 1

summary: A CUTE LIL FIC ABOUT A SUMMER CAMP CLOSING AND A WEEKEND GETAWAY, A SLOW BURN FIC

pairing: platonic obx cast x y/n, eventual drew starkey x reader

word count: 1.7k

a/n: so i didn’t want to write about (redacted) being rudy’s gf since i know like 3/4′s of the fandom is not a fan of her so i made up an oc and yes.... she’s me. i also gave jd a gf too, just go with it bc he deserves just as much love. also i have no idea if madison used to work at a summer camp, pls don’t question it

When Madison walks into the hair and makeup department of set one morning, you can immediately tell she’s upset.

“What’s up, buttercup?” you ask as she sits down in her usual chair. She lets out a long sigh and you frown as you take her hair out of the top knot sitting on top of her head, wondering what’s got her in such a bad mood.

“I just found out the summer camp I used to work at is closing down,” she rests her cheek on her palm and pouts. “I know it’s silly to be upset about it but I really loved it there, it was a big part of my life. Kinda felt like a place I grew up is just getting torn down.”

“It’s not silly,” you reassure her quickly, giving her shoulder a quick squeeze in attempt to comfort her. “I loved summer camp, I can see why you’re so upset.”

“I just wish I could at least go say goodbye to it,” Madison sighs again before looking down at her hands. You’re quiet for a few seconds as you begin to think, the silence filling the trailer uncomfortably.

“Well then, why don’t you?” you ask. She looks up immediately at your reflection in the mirror with her nose scrunched up in confusion.

“What are you talking about?” she asks.

“Filming for this season is almost over, you’ve got a lot of time on your hands. Why don’t you go spend a weekend or something? I’d even go with you! It could be tons of fun!” you smile brightly at her. Madison turns around to look at your face, her eyes bright and full of hope.

“Really? You’d do that?” she asks, her voice about to break. You nod rapidly.

“What’s going on in here?” Madelyn asks as she walks into the trailer, you assume Chase isn’t far behind her.

“Y/N and I are gonna take a trip to the old summer camp I used to work with, you should come!” Madison says, her voice now happy and full of life.

“Is this just a girls trip? Because if so, you know I will be crashing,” Rudy’s voice startles you, you turn around and see him sitting in the back of the trailer and you wonder how long he had been sitting there or how you didn’t notice him before.

“Why don’t we all go?” Madison suggests. “Cline, Chase, JD, Y/N, Mariah, Rudy you could even bring Lily if you wanted.”

“That sounds like so much fun!” Madelyn says as she jumps up and down and claps her hands excitedly.

Rudy smiled at the mention of his girlfriend. “JD will want to bring Tayla too,” he points out.

“That’s totally fine.”

“Great, I’ll be the only single one there,” you let out a laugh, Madison hits you in the stomach lightly with the back of her hand.

“Shut up, it will still be fun,” she assures you and you nod along with her words.

“I know, I can’t wait!”

About a week goes by when suddenly you find yourself packing all your summer essentials in one suitcase and sleeping soundly in a car as you and all your loud friends make your way to what Madison had described as ‘a little piece of my childhood.’ You were excited, really, but watching all the cute couples around you made your heart sink. Sure, you were all happy for them, but you wanted someone to experience a summer romance with you too.

“So I talked to the guy who owns the camp,” Madison explains as she turns around in the front seat to look back at the rest of you. “He said that he left a lot of the old equipment there and that we’re free to use any of it since it’s probably just gonna be donated at the end of the summer anyway.”

“What kind of equipment are we talking about?” Rudy calls from the very back seat.

“Fishing poles, bunk beds, oh and did I mention jet skis?” Madison smiles which causes the whole car to erupt in loud cheers.

“What did you wanna do first, baby?” Mariah asks as she looks over at her girlfriend. Madison reaches over and grabs her hand.

“I think we should settle in first, unpack and get everything ready, then we can go for a good old fashioned swim in the lake. After it gets dark out maybe we could have a bonfire and make s’mores or something?”

“That sounds amazing,” Mariah smiles.

The ride continues on, the sound of all your friends conversations are drowned out by your headphones. Eventually you feel a soft shake of your shoulder and open your eyes only to realize you had fallen asleep on Jonathan’s shoulder.

“Sorry,” you mumble, your cheeks growing an intense shade of red as you took off your headphones.

“No big deal,” JD lifts his shoulders into a shrug. “I just wanted to wake you up since we’re here.” You look out the window and see a bright red cabin sitting under the sun.

You smile and immediately jump out of the car, shielding your eyes from the brightness as you take in your surroundings. It looks just like a cliche summer camp with an arch over the cabin door that says the camp name. You get a feeling you’re on the set of a bad 80′s horror movie.

“So where are we staying?” Chase asks as he pulls suitcases out from the back of the van. You can’t tell if hes being sarcastic or not, considering the bright red double story cabin standing proudly in front of you.

“This is where the counselors would stay,” Madison explains as she gestures to the large building. “And the campers would stay a little farther down. The counselors have a bit more privacy and it’s nicer but technically speaking if you wanna be alone you can stay in the campers cabin.”

“Can we go look at the campers cabins?” you perk up. Madison turns to look at you with her nose scrunched slightly in confusion “As much as I love all of you guys, I don’t really wanna be rooming with only couples and hearing what you guys get up to in the middle of the night.” this causes Rudy to laugh.

“No, you definitely do not,” he agrees as he wraps his arms around his girlfriend whose face you notice is getting significantly pinker. JD lets out a gag.

“Yeah, I can show you the way to those cabins. Are you sure you want to be all alone though? It can get a little scary at night,” Madison asks you, her voice suddenly full of concern. You purse your lips together and nod your head.

“Yeah, I mean how bad can it really be?”

Bad, the answer to that question was.

It turns out unpacking and settling in took much longer than expected and you were all exhausted by the end of it, plus the sun had already gone down so there was no point in trying to go swimming and you were all too tired to start a fire. So you all just decided to call it a night.

And being alone in the campers cabin was definitely not a good idea.

First off, it was freezing at night so you were left to wrap yourself up tightly in your blankets. Secondly, it was so loud. The animals outside decided it would be a good idea to scream outside your window so you were left listening to owls and wolves howl the entire night. However you would have much rather preferred those noises to the ones you were sure were coming from Rudy and Lily’s room.

And lastly, no one talks about how scary it is to be alone at night.

You thought you hadn’t been scared of being alone at night since you were a little kid. Turns out old habits really die hard. You were sure someone was going to burst through the front door and put a bag over your head and drag you off into the night with you kicking in screaming. So naturally this resulted in you having horrible nightmares and a bad nights sleep. But you refused to tell that to your friends when you met up for breakfast in the morning.

“Hey, how did everyone sleep?” Madison greets, holding her cup of coffee with both hands and close to her face in attempts to warm herself up.

“Great!” Rudy announces, his mouth full of his breakfast.

“From the sounds and looks of it, you didn’t get much sleep did you?” you tease him, looking over at Lily who has tired eyes and is in the middle of a yawn. Rudy shrugs.

“What about you, y/n? How was your experience alone out in the campers cabin?” JD perks up, desperate to change the subject.

“From the sounds of it, I think I slept better than all of you guys combined,” you joked even though it was a complete lie. Everyone in the group laughs.

“Are we ready to go swimming?” Chase asks, throwing his napkin down on his plate.

“Aren’t we supposed to wait 30 minutes until after eating to go swimming?” Mariah asks.

“Isn’t that bullshit?” Madelyn rebuttals.

“LAST ONE IN THE WATER IS A ROTTEN EGG!” Rudy calls as he stands up and runs out of the room, JD running quickly after them which causes Tayla and Lily to yell for them.

“None of us are wearing our bathing suits!”

Eventually, everyone did make it down to the water. Rudy ended up beating JD in their mini race which resulted in JD pushing him off the dock which made everyone laugh, even Lily. Everyone else jumped in the water after that and were swimming around for a while before someone spoke up.

“Are we expecting anyone else?” Lily asked.

“No, why?” Madison asked. Lily points to the front of the camp where another car is pulling up. Turns out, this is a campy horror movie which will result in your death.

“Is that-” Chase starts. “No way, he said he couldn’t make it this weekend.”

“Who? What? What are you guys talking about?” you ask as you examine everyones faces and notice it was someone they all recognized. Then, out of the car, wearing swim trunks and a button up, steps out one of your close friends.

“I finished up filming early, now the fun has arrived!” Drew yells, causing you to smile.

Looks like you won’t be the only single one on this trip after all.

-----------------

A/N: AYYYY FIRST CHAPTER IS UP!!!! this fic is based off a cute dream i hate that i told tayla @taylathornton about and she persuaded me to write a fic about it so.... here it is. also i hate the ending to this but whatever.

#outer banks #outerbanks #obx #obx fanfiction #outer banks fanfiction #drew starkey #drew starkey fic #drew starkey x you #obx cast

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meetmeatthecoda · 3 years

Note

It’s bonkers how Liz and Ressler can literally have sex and then still be on a last name basis with each other. Even Red calls her Elizabeth lmao. But seriously, if K—nler is endgame, is this really the writers’ idea of romance? Barely any buildup, BOOM they have sex, then these awkward, forced ‘moments’ between them? *deep sigh* Idk, maybe I’m being harsh, but I guess I feel like the least they could do (if they won’t give us Lizzington) is give us something decent to watch. What are your thoughts/theories on this mess?

Hello, dear anon!! ❤️ Firstly, omg, I know!! All the “Hey, Keen.” and “What, Ressler?” is so intensely romantic 🙄🙄🙄 The thought of Red calling Liz just “Keen” is so laughable to me. As you so rightly say, he at least calls her by her full name, which is much more telling imo than any robotic surname crap. (Plus, he would never call her “Keen” bc it’s her fake name from her fake marriage to her fake husband, but I digress.) Regardless of whether it’s Lizzie or Elizabeth or Agent Keen, it still sounds like music coming out of Red’s mouth. Whether that music is a funeral march or a symphonic poem... well, it varies 😒

ANYWAY you make such a good point!! If we’re striving to be objective (which is a pretty unobtainable goal for me at this point), there is n o t h i n g inherently romantic about K**nler. I’m sorry, but to me - no matter which way you slice it - there’s been absolutely NO romantic coding with these two over SEVEN SEASONS, really only a handful of scenes together at all that mostly consist of “STOP! FBI!”, and very few personal/meaningful moments. And of those VERY FEW moments, they all appear to me as platonic/work friends/colleagues. And listen, I’ve always liked Ressler and Liz as BFFs. Liz always offered a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on about Audrey in the good ol’ days and Ressler did the same about T*m, plus I’ve always loved how Ressler offered to “rough him up” in that gruff, brotherly way. There was never any jealousy between them at their respective romantic partners, like there always is with those Will They/Won’t They ships. And I think pilot!Ressler hating Liz’s guts gradually morphing into them being best buds over the ensuing seasons is super cute. But it’s never screamed “romance” to me. There’s been no anticipation, no build-up, no close calls, no nothing. My prime ship example for that sort of thing is Caskett from Castle. They spent 4 seasons building those two up with plenty of close calls and jealousy keeping them apart for as long as they physically could before they finally came together with fireworks. There has been zero of that with K**nler. (Lizzington on the other hand? Yes. Not to mention all the Lizzington suggestions FROM RESSLER: ”Sounds like someone’s jealous Uncle Red’s got a new crush”, “You in the dog house or something?” - but I’m slipping into my Lizzington googles, so I’ll stop there.) Not to mention I’ve never really liked Ressler as a character. Sorry, no shade to Diego, but it’s not exactly a dynamic character. And TPTB have a marvelous reputation of tabling characters until their designated plot lines and episodes, with no measurable growth or continuity in between, so it always feels forced to me. To just throw a long forgotten character - whose only role in the past 11 episodes has been driving around and answering phone calls to catch the weekly blacklister - in my face once a season and say, “LOOK, WE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING FOR THIS DUDE, REMEMBER HE CAN TALK?!” and expecting me to feel invested is wildly unrealistic imo.

In conclusion, anon, I don’t think you’re being harsh at all, rest assured that I have been much harsher in tags, DMs, and especially my own head about this so-called “romance”. I think you’re definitely correct that they could at least give us something decent to watch with time, a true romantic build-up, and a satisfying culmination. I mean, I know this is primarily an FBI-mystery-mythology-government-action-procedural-show but... AS SOMEONE ONCE RIGHTLY SAID, “I think it’s a love story.” and babe? ..... this ain’t it. I’m sorry, Lizzington remains the only pairing on this show that has had a veritable phone book of romantic tropes written for them, including - but certainly not limited to - tense undercover operations, dancing, jealousy at other partners, killing for each other, actual DECLARATIONS of LOVE, T H E L I S T G O E S O N, not to mention I’m of the steadfast opinion that they were the initial endgame for the show, and that’s a hill I am prepared to die on. I HAVE and WILL go down with this doomed ship until the end of my days. Amen.

As for my thoughts/theories on this mess, I am flattered that you’re interested enough to ask, and I think I probably gave you way more than you bargained for in the ^above^ rage!typing 😂 The only things I would venture to add are: 1) K**nler is a barely a ship by my admittedly high standards and, if it is indeed intended to be The Great Romance™ of the show, TPTB did a piss poor job of making it AT ALL satisfying 2) The current “plot line” is an inconsistently written, infuriating, OOC across the board, “twists” pulled out of a hat, PIECE OF CRAP mess, and I’m so over it and 3) I have genuinely no idea how they plan on digging themselves out of the sizable RED VS. LIZ hole CRATER they’ve dug themselves into and, if they plan on having even a mildly successful season 9, they had better claw their way out soon bc, by all accounts, pretty much nobody likes pathetically-evil!Liz and most are rooting for heart-of-gold-&-incredibly-sympathetic!Red in every single way. Sooooo... idk. I’m really bored by the whole RuSsIaN oPeRaTiVe arc and I wish we could fast-forward to the season finale to see if they plan on making any effort at all to improve the core relationship of the show, or if they have indeed given Liz up to mannequin-man and revenge-filled-rage-induced-mentally-unstable-out-of-left-field-evil-Kaplan-hallucinations and Red over to simply sad-lonely-romantic-tired-puppy-dog-who-deserves-better.

At any rate, thank you dearly for this ask, anon, it turns out I had a lot of negative feelings (surprise, surprise) that needed an outlet and I hope it wasn’t too painful to slog through!! Feel free to send another/more asks to keep the commiserating going!! I have dearly missed asks in what’s left of this fandom, but my ask box is still open!! 🥰 I will continue writing fic and shipping Lizzington pretty much in AU now as, unfortunately, that seems the healthiest and only remaining option 🥲 Much love to you!! ❤️❤️❤️

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ultraviiiolence · 2 years

Text

unknown pleasures — kth

❝this is the room, the start of it all❞

{25/01/17 - 03/02/17}

kim taehyung

angst

chronological mess bc it's a messy one-shot, dark themes, mention of depression, drugs use, suicide, death, violence, homicide, unhealthy relationship. don't read if you are uncomfortable

inspired by bts' mvs and "control" directed by Anton Corbijn

gif credit to the owner

posted on wattpad in 2017. sorry for my bad english, it's not my first language but i've tried anyway. hope you like it!

✺ P L A Y L I S T ✺

disorder

day of the lord

candidate

insight

new dawn fades

she's lost control

shadowplay

wilderness

interzone

i remember nothing

songs by joy division

track one d i s o r d e r

❝i've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand, could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?❞

taehyung looked around, enraptured by the night lights. he was sitting on a battered bench in a park where weeds hadn't been cut for a couple of years. ahead of him, in the distance, the first rosy shades of the morning appeared. he observed absently that spectacle, in the midst of the still life that surrounded him. taehyung wasn't there for the view, he was waiting. he was waiting to be saved.

track two d a y o f t h e l o r d

❝this is the room, the start of it all. dreamt I fled from you, i remember it all. oh i've seen the nights, filled with bloodsport in vain❞

the kitchen was silent, light rays of sunlight filtered through the shutters and collided on the table. taehyung sat, holding his head with one hand, turning the coffee in small circular motions with the other.

"you're an asshole, taehyung, I hate you"

"it's not true, it's not like that"

"you are useless!"

you are wrong minhee, you loved me. it is not so?

track three c a n d i d a t e

❝no longer the pleasure, oh I've since lost the heart corrupted from memory, no longer the power❞

he stared at the envelope over the bedside table, nervously playing with a card.

so, that white powder would help him. or at least, minhee said so.

a long sigh left taehyung's lips, undecided whether to begin the procedures seen countless times or not.

"you'll hurt yourself"

"mind your business, it's all your fault"

taehyung simply lay down on the bed. he didn't want to.

track four i n s i g h t

❝hey, don't you know you were right. i'm not afraid anymore. i keep my eyes on the door, but i remember❞

taehyung was hopping carefree with shopping bags in hand. he didn't like to shop, but for minhee he can bought all the stars in the sky. whistling without containing his smile, the red-haired boy opened the front door.

"next time you will remember to pay me" an unknown man left the girl's hair, turning to the door to go out, shoving him to pass. "if i were you i would forget what you saw, kid" the shopping bags slipped from his hands, running towards minhee who was crying, covering her probably hit cheek.

you didn't deserve it, you didn't deserve all this. but you continued, minhee, you did. i tried to help you.

track five n e w d a w n f a d e s

❝a loaded gun won't set you free. so you say❞

that mysterious man returned. the marks on the girl's white skin were proof of this. taehyung said nothing to her, he didn't want to piss her off. he suffered every time he looked down her small body, he suffered as if they were his. and there was nothing he could do.

"don't look at me with that expression full of pity, it annoys me"

instead, on that particularly cloudy day, taehyung fired three shots behind the back of that unknown who dared to raise his hands to his girlfriend again.

track six s h e ' s l o s t c o n t r o l

❝But she expressed herself in many different ways until she'd control again❞

the young man studied his figure through the mirror in his small and simple bathroom. he studied his tanned skin, facial features, and eyes. dark, empty.

"you're a monster, it's all your fault"

"i wanted to help you, minhee, i love you"

"stop it, you're ridiculous. go to hell"

minhee gathered her things, left the house, leaving taehyung motionless in front of the door.

i'm not a monster, i'm just a human. why did you leave me?

track seven s h a d o w p l a y

❝i let them use you - for their own ends. To the centre of the city in night waiting for you❞

taehyung's mind began to play tricks: he was formulating the belief that he had never known his minhee. but he knew it wasn't like that, she just went away for a while and would come back to him. he still remembered when he first met her in a vinyl store in the suburbs.

"this would be the first place i would choose as a refuge!"

he spent his days inside that shop waiting for her from opening until closing, with a the cure's vinyl in hand.

track eight w i l d e r n e s s

❝what did you see there? i saw the tears as they cried. they had tears in their eyes❞

the rain reflected the mood of everyone present in a circle around a dark wooden coffin. a few days before he died, hoseok told taehyung to drop minhee, who was a cocaine addict and didn't need a prince charming to get her out of trouble. he was fucking right. and taehyung couldn't tell him, he could never speak to him again.

two months passed since the funeral. none of the boys spoke up again, not even jungkook.

track nine i n t e r z o n e

❝i walked round and round, you nailed me to a tree. trying to find a way, trying to find a way, to get out❞

the hours of the day were occupied by sleep and the nocturnal hours by leisure. it no longer made a difference, everything had become so insignificant that he didn't realize what was happening around him. during his aimless walks, taehyung reflected on his life: he had fallen in love with a girl he had welcomed into his home in time of need, receiving in return his own heart completely trampled. he had lost one of his best friends and the others disappeared into thin air, never having told them how important they were.

track ten i r e m e m b e r n o t h i n g

❝get weak all the time, we just passed the time❞

taehyung was in the kitchen during the first shades of dawn. he looked around, capturing images of every part of the house: the wallpaper's creases, the vase of dried flowers by the window, and the record player by the television. he approached the latter by inserting "the idiot" by iggy pop, remembering the few times he listened to it in the company of minhee. he took a deep breath, climbing to his feet in the plastic kitchen chair.

he thought he had never done anything good in his life, that he didn't have enough backbone. a complete disaster, a nothingness that created only a nuisance. he passed the rope around his neck, with a mocking smile for himself. he closed his eyes and took another deep breath. and it was a moment.

kim taehyung committed suicide.

#bts #bangtan #bangtan boys #bangtan sonyeondan #kim taehyung #bts taehyung #taehyung #taehyung fanfic #taehyung angst #bts au #bts angst #bts kim taehyung #kth fanfic #kth angst #kth one shot #bts one shot #kth

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vrenaewrites · 4 years

Text

CARAVAL thoughts:

FULL VIDEO HERE.

Confession: I DNFed caraval about 2 years ago. I even included this book in a video called “reading 5 star reviews of books I hate” (either screen record and insert the clip from that vid or link in the cards skip to like 6:40 or both)

Chapter 1

We open with letters that our main character Scarlett has written to the caraval master Legend

She really wants him to come to her island but he hasn’t

She finally gets one back with three tickets for her Tella and her fiancé

Chapter 2

Scarlett’s feelings came in colors “urgent red of burning coals, frenzied yellow of a flapping bird’s feathers”

She goes to tell her sister Tella and finds her making out with a dude lol

Julian is his name

The edges of the paper “blazed a shimmery gold, the color of magic and wishes and promises of the things to come”

Tella hates the count Scarlett is betrothed to but Scarlett wants to leave their home so bad she doesn’t care who she ends up with

“Gods teeth!” Is the expletive…

The prize of caraval is one wish

They have to leave the isle within 3 days which would be impossible before getting married

Tella’s lips “shifted from broken to unbreakable” NO

Last time they left Scarlett’s dad did something terrible to her

Julian offers to smuggle them to the island for caraval on his sailor ship (pirate ship??)

“Goldenrod desire lit up inside her”

Wishes were about as real as unicorns

Their dad shows up with gloves “the shade of bruises”

Tella accuses Scarlett of hooking up with Julian RUDE!!!!

And Julian agrees!

Ohh because the dad beats the other sister so they’re trying to protect each other by accusing each other

Her marriage is 10 days away

Chapter 3

Her fathers perfume smelled like the color of his gloves

Julian decides to take them off the isle for free after witnessing this

Tella says if she leaves she will never return

“Her world was a grand game board, and her father believed this marriage would be his penultimate move”

“More than your sisters face will bleed” is their dad assaulting them?? Did I just gloss over that when reading this the first time??

“Weather worn white archways” loved

Governor dragna sounds like judge frollo

Their mom disappeared 7 years ago - abandoned them

They have priests and piety and the devil but they don’t use the BC AD calendar instead going by seasons and rulers...why

Chapter 4

She felt the lie from childhood “sneaking into her slippers and moving between her toes” no you didn’t

“A broken dock like a massive tongue jutted out to stones that reminded Scarlett if uneven teeth”

It was nights like these she could smell the moon - I wrote taste at first and taste fits better imo

A friend tried to help them escape once and the governor drowned him for it, Tella didn’t know about this

She meets Julian here at midnight and barters all 3 tickets to keep him from helping Tella escape

Julian and Tella ambush her and knock her out

Chapter 5

“A pock marked moon winked in the glass”

She has a dream about their nana telling them how legend got his name

First of all, legend is a bad dumb name and you should feel bad about it, Stephanie Garber. Caraval is also a bad name.

He was in love with a woman named Annalise and would perform at a coronation to earn her fathers respect, but he needed a witch to grant him a wish of talent

He had to choose between fame and love

So his name is legend because his magic is legendary? How tf did John legend not sue over this?

“Behind her a cloud drifted over the moon, covering all but two tiny points of light, which hovered behind her silver hair like devil’s horns” love this visual

I’m calling it now, we’re getting this flashback because somehow, the dragna sisters are related to Annalise or remind legend of Annalise and this is why Tella gets taken

Chapter 6

She wakes up in a rowboat with Julian after 2 days which is always a good way to pass the 2 days journey it takes without having to make anything happen lol I respect it

Julian calls her crimson instead of Scarlett - hated it then hate it now

Trees “rose toward the sky like massive emeralds” and the waterfall “streamed down like melted peacock feathers” no it didn’t because that makes no sense

Legends private island is called the island of dreams in Spanish

Tella has set up a kidnapping so Scarlett can go back without getting In trouble

“The image of a purple fire breathing dragon came to mind, coating her vision with ashy shades of anxiety”

I remember stopping very shortly after this and now I remember why - I can do purple prose but DAMN

Their mom had “vanished taking nothing with her, she disappeared like a broken star leaving the world untouched, save for the missing bits of light but no one would ever see again” Good purple prose

We get some backstory on how her Nana was more involved after her mother left, and we get to hear again about how great her stories are, even though we just spent a chapter getting that first hand from a flashback

She barters with herself to stay only one day and then go home for her wedding

There’s a hole in the boat so they swim but she didn’t take her dresses off so she starts to drown

“You deserve this” because of Phillippe, like hands the water pressed her down down down

Julian saved her and cuts off her dress which she finds very intense

Chapter 7

So much description of the snowy frosting sand pick one

I get that it’s a magical island but every descriptor up until the sand made it sound like a tropical paradise, and then suddenly the sand is snow and there’s ice and snow on the trees which were just giant emeralds so I’m confused

Because being wet and cold is more scary

“ The snow on the rooftops rested like dust on abandoned storybooks“

A very diagon alley sitch where there are magical stores but none are open...because it’s caraval guys. They’re at the games

They go into a clock shop where there are clothes waiting along with food roses and a note from legend

They change and she sees awful scars on his hot muscly back

Her dress is lame despite every YA trope about the heroine having a princess moment, that’s fun: just kidding it changed colors and shape to fit her perfect

And Julian’s outfit is super hot

He stole a pocket watch

Scarlett was a pretty girl but she tried to hide it, her eyes were too honest, no one noticed girls in ugly clothes

“Scarlet wondered if she had found a way to escape her fathers deadly games only to become a well costumed piece on a new game board” no shit Scarlett you came to the island for the game…

Also you were in such a hurry to find Tella and get into the game before it was too late and now you’re waxing poetic about how hot Julian is and how you’re hot but you don’t wanna be

Chapter 8

“Sage shaded colors of suspicion” I really hate this device she’s using. I’ve used it to describe the colors my mind reading characters see in people's minds. But it’s like twice a book, maybe, to express extreme emotion. Not every time your feelings change.

Some guy comes in and offers them a portal into caraval and Scarlett is like “sure thing” and Julian is like “ummm dumdum” and he leaves

The guys like “oh you just gonna listen to that random guy?” And I’m like as opposed to you, another random guy?

He wants her voice okay Ursula

“A passionate sky made of melting lemons and burning peaches” or say yellows and oranges…

“Until the door was no more” love this, sounds very fairy tale

She leaves and it's like night already, she only has til midnight

Scarlett and Julian get in by him pretending to be the count, her fiancé

They take the path of the players, not the watchers

Chapter 9

“A panicked Vermillion moved inside of her chest as she thought of how specific legends letter had been”

Julian admits he’s played caraval before and Scarlett is like *gasp* but HELLO how did you think he knew all the shit he knew?

He keeps calling her crimson like every time he speaks to her, annoying

“Julian’s smile turned seductive, all shameless curves and immoral promises”

Chapter 10

“Soft golden lights licked her arms with gentle kisses of warmth”

I’m very bored when this house is supposed to be EVERYTHING

The guy who was giving them the rules says, “don’t let your eyes or feelings trick you” And then jumps off the balcony and Scarlet freaks out… He just told you not to trust what you see

Scarlett is the most annoying person

Their instructions are to get to the end by sunrise or they’ll be locked out in the streets, but she’s wasting time wanting to look for her sister - and Julian is telling her that her sister is probably staying at the same place and she doesn’t believe him despite the fact that he’s already done this game before, just trust him???

“A searing green door watched Scarlet like a glowing eye”

This just made me figure out why I don’t like that she’s using colors as an emotional device, because the main character is named after a color, and so it’s just way too many color descriptors

Julian got trapped outside noooo

Chapter 11

But it’s fine because she tells the innkeeper they’re guests of legend - which they are - and he’s let in. Great. Glad there are no stakes. They also used legends name to get the boat to the inn for free.

The hallways in the inn “smelled like the end of the night, sweat and fading fire smoke mixed with lingering breath from words whose ghosts still haunted the air” no

Julian was “poison in an attractive bottle”

Their rooms are actually one room oops

Chapter 12

“But legend saw all during caraval”

She got a message from legend: it’s a key with tella’s name on it

Lmao tella is having sex behind that door for sure

“She felt five different shades of berry colored foolish” this is so stupid

Every time something happens between tella and scar, we get a whole expository moment about how this is related to their mother or their father or the relationship between the sisters… We know. we can tell. we are not stupid.

“Warmth licking her cheek” this metaphor is too specific to keep using it

Some tattooed dude finds her - Dante - and is like “sleep in my room”

He asks her out but she declines because the count

Damn her dress has transformed to be like see through which is why he was into her lmao

She has a dream that legend is a creep lol

Chapter 13

Scarlett totally changes her tune re: enjoying herself

She passes tella’s room and finds a wreck

“Feathers covered the carnage as if a rebel Angel had gone mad” this is so dumb

The key she got with tella’s name was a clue, that other people also got

A pregnant girl offers to help scarlet, and a man steals scarlets favorite earrings from her mother

Then the pregnant girl steals that stuff

She realizes there’s a postcard in tella’s room that isn’t hers

Chapter 14

Tella only loved mermaids, and the postcard is of a castle, which was Scarlett’s thing

The castle is a place on the isle that Julian recognizes

Dante shows up and Julian is like hell nah

Dante won last time Julian was here and it cost him a lot

“Shops wrapped in colors like a birthday presents, cerulean blue apricot orange saffron yellow primrose pink while the canals remained midnight dark” SHUT UP dude

This woman got like a color wheel or a color dictionary for her birthday the year she wrote this book

Time moves fast in the castle

What’s really annoying about this book is Stephanie Garber spends a lot of time talking about things that are boring, and one sentence on something like hummingbird-sized elephants and tigers

There’s a kissing tent and she’s like fuck yeah let’s go there

You’re engaged

Julian sees where she’s looking and is like yeah??

A tingle of periwinkle curiosity

Chapter 15

She goes into the tent of a half naked dude who could tell her fortune

This is all very boring

He has incense that makes people tell the truth and she admits Julian is the hottest guy ever

She asks what’s the man she will marry really like?

He’s not a good person

She’s covered in only pictures he can see instead of pictures only he can see…

She had 2 questions but the way she asked used them up so she doesn’t get to ask about tella

Chapter 16

He tells her to follow the boy with the heart made of black...obviously Dante, she thinks Julian

She walks into a potion tent and finds an elixir of protectio

She mentions her father and feels “anise and lavender and rotting plums”

She describe the woman who works in the potion tent as having “bottle green” eyes, but this entire paragraph has the word bottle in it like 1 million times because shes describing a tent full of potions...all these colorful words you’ve used and this is where you use “bottle green”

I don’t mind the descriptor, my own eyes are bottle green, it’s very vivid, but badly placed

She chases Julian to a decrepit garden with a fountain, and sees a glass button

She also saw a glass button in tella’s room...is this how legend spies on her? Is this where tella is being kept?

“Dreary yellow hopelessness” infected her

She sees the symbol of caraval inside the fountain and touches it, revealing a staircase

Someone screamed as hot and bright as fire

It’s madness tunnels

The inn “smells of laughter and boasts laced with sweetened ale” this doesn’t make seeeeeennnnnnnnse

She finds Julian, but it’s actually Dante and he’s mean to her and she cries but it makes her mad at Julian?????? Stupid

Chapter 17

Julian finally shows up, super bloody but he just had a head wound

She cleans him up and is getting super horny lol

He got her earrings back!!!!!

The fire dies sending up a plume of smoke “the color of things better said in whispers”

She tells him about the tunnels and he says legend treats his prisoners like guests

Julian’s eyes are the color of “caramel and liquid amber lust”

He almost kisses her and then seems to wake up, leaves and “disappointment wraps around her in cool shades of forget me not blue” STOP

Chapter 18

She wakes up to white roses with red tips

Julian is supposed to meet her but doesn’t

A girl shows up “pretty as a watercolor and dressed as bold as a trumpet” DUDE

“Oh poor you, here you are on a magical island, and all you can think of is what you don’t have” get her!

Dante shows up and she realizes he has a black heart tattoo which DUH SCARLETT

chapter 19

The night is “brittle, crisp like the first bite of a chilled apple, smelling just as sweet with hints of burnt sugar weaving through the charcoal night air” THIS IS GOOD PURPLE PROSE! I can taste this!!!!!!!

She’s chasing Dante and finds a cider seller who’s drink will help her see things more clearly, the price is her last lie

She drinks it and loses the color in her vision

The game is constantly working against you?????? How?! You’ve stumbled across tons of clues without any work and there are no believable stakes to this game, this drink is the first time you’ve had a struggle…

Iko holds a journal that’s brownish green, “the color of forgotten memories, abandoned dreams, and bitter gossip”

Even in black and white we get this heavy handed color shit

She realizes anything in color is important

She also sees the red roses on a carousel and the red cravat on a mans neck

He makes her feel perilous shades of silky black - is Stephanie Garner an artist? Does she have synesthesia or something?? What is with this device!!!!

She looks in Iko’s book and sees pictures of her, the special guest

Sour shades of yellow green made her stomach roil with trepidation - HUH????

She’s like “why would he make the game about me?” You’ve been begging him to bring you caraval your entire life, why do you think?

I think I remember the nana saying annelise had blonde hair, and so does tella...are they related to her? Is she nana?

Iko tells her the notebook also holds all the true stories of caraval

Iko will give her the notebook if Scarlett will buy 2 dresses because the changing dress bothers her (??)

Iko takes her to a dress shop where the dresses are “the color of late night laughter, early morning sunshine, and waves crashing around ankles”

The dresses cost nightmares or secrets or fears

She owes her worst fear and greatest desire, or she can pay 2 days of her life per dress

It works but her greatest desire isn’t to find her sister, so she pays with 2 days of her life, not at the end of her life but at the end of caraval

“Panic came in hemlock green, the color of poison and terror”

“Something acidic and moldy and burnt bubbled up in Scarlett’s throat - the taste of death” like this

Scarlett’s body dies but her mind will exist in a dream world

Chapter 20

Dante finds her and drags her into the inn

Julian hits Dante because he won’t let her go hell yeah

She tells him what happened

Julian tried to give Scarlett a day of his life by having her drink his blood from his finger and she’s like “I wanna fuck this duuuude”

“His voice is so gentle, made of gentle” I liked this

Then he drinks her blood from her finger, and the world shatters into a million shards of colored glass

He lays down with her and holds her while she dies

Chapter 21

Death was the color purple.

She sees tella in the dream world, and tella has a huge dark book that swallows her and Scarlett

They see young nana in a house similar to the one they entered at caraval, entwined with a young man

Her grandma is Anneliese DUH

Then she’s at the funeral of the woman who died at caraval before

Rosa was in love with legend and he rejected her so she killed herself

Dante was rosa’s fiancée

Legend is julian?!?!?

Loved This entire chapter but then it means nothing because none of this is real it’s all part of the game so it’s not really story development

Chapter 22

They both wake up

Scarlett tries to convince herself the game is messing with her

Then she remembers what the dream people said about legend loving to make girls fall for him

She has a grey streak in her hair now

Her dad is there!

She finally puts it together - her nana is anneliese

“She could see the sting of her rejection in shades of stormy blue ghosting over his heart like sad morning mist” roll my eyes

But then she remembers that he gave a day of his life for her and is like why would he do that if he was legend

Now she’s changed her mind, so she goes after Julian to find him leaving Dante’s room and walking into tella’s

She goes in after him to hide from her dad but the room is empty

She finds another secret staircase like the fountain

She trips over Dante’s dead body and finds Julian standing over it

Chapter 23

Julian grabs her and is like “I didn't kill him, we were working together”

He shows her a white rose tattoo he has, Rosa was his sister!!

She asks why he had been acting weird and he basically says he didn’t want to have feelings for her because that wasn’t why he had come to caraval

Scarlett is like let’s get this fucker back, but she hears her dad’s footsteps in the tunnel

Chapter 24

They start running, and they hide in a weird alcove from her dad that starts to squish them

She realizes it’s feeding off their fear so they relax and it lets them out

They end up in the sand tunnel and Scarlett is like how could you know I was going to caraval if you were already at our island when I got my tickets

Julian explains that legend is punishing the descendants of anneliese and he invited her to caraval to stop the wedding

Legend had never responded until she signed her full name on the last letter, mentioning her wedding

Julian is the fucking count dude calling it

“His steady gaze reached out to the broken parts of her like a caress, a type of touch that moved through damaged flesh, past fractured bones and into a person's wounded soul.” WOW

Scarlett hears tella’s voice and almost runs straight off a cliff

“Tella loved danger the same way candle wicks loved to burn. It never seemed to scare her that some of the things she lusted for might consume her like a flame” Christ

Julian knew tella would be taken during caraval

Chapter 25

She had to find tella before legend consumed her like a flame burning a candle” you just used a candle metaphor like one page ago my dude.

She gives herself one minute to cry and scream and Julian hears her so he barges in, worried

He apologizes and she gives him the grace I’ve been waiting for as soon as he said he knew what would happen to tella: he had to avenge his sister. Everything they’re both doing is for their sisters, she should be more understanding

Julian is “all kinds of tragic and lovely”

The box was “flat black, the color of failure and funerals” shut UP

Like if you wanna use the color device to describe your protagonists feelings stop being so fucking flowery with every single color in the book it is soooooooooooooooo distracting

It’s the other dress Scarlett has bought but now it’s white

Chapter 26

There’s a note in the box from legend that makes “invisible spiders crawl over her skin” ok

She thinks the dress is the 5th clue - the buttons on the dress reminds her of the buttons leading to the hat store

Chapter 27

They go to the top hat place and Julian is like “this is all wrong”

Iko appears looking like “a teardrop the moon had cried” love it

She tells them not to go into the hat shop

Let me guess, despite both of these omens Scarlett is still gonna go in

“Scarlett had an emerald green premonition that she would make a discovery inside” sure why tf not gotta keep the story moving somehow

She sees the store owner and was like LEGEND and he’s like nah dude I’m just wearing a hat

But he is the guy that was wearing the red cravat and eyepatch from the day her vision went gray

He is the count!!!!!

Chapter 28

Nicholas Darcy

And her dad is there!!!!!!!!!!

Julian gets her out but the count chases her and they get on a boat

She sees her dad and he looks afraid but she blames it on the rain

They row to the castle and Julian convinces her to get inside to hide from the lightning

And they argue about if she’s still planning marrying the count and she’s torn which hurts him

He says “are you sure you want this?” Before kissing her and like is it a consent thing or is it him asking if he’s what she wants either way I love it

“The boy who had saved her from drowning in more ways than one” explain…

They kiss and “every touch created colors she had never seen” that’s so anticlimactic

Chapter 29

The stones fall through the hourglass like “drops of falling rose petals” that makes no sense but we have to include it because...

She finally realizes the roses that have been EVERYWHERE are part of the game duh

She takes Julian to the fountain where the tunnel entrance is

She feels ochre shades of uneasy

Only NOW she’s giving pause at the idea of winning because she could wish them safe...shoulda been your goal all along. Should have been equally as important as finding tella since if you find her you win the wish….I’m signing heavily atm

The governor and the count are there!!!!!

Swear to god if Julian dies I’m going to fucking riot

She wants to split up but Julian is like fuck no

The count catches up to her and the governor pulls her by her hair up the stairs

He punches her in the stomach to warn Julian and she gets back up, with the count trying to protect Scarlett

“A slick mud colored feeling coated Scarlett’s insides” because the governor is holding a knife to Julian’s throat

He cuts Julian’s face NOOOOOO

The governor takes Julian to his room and let’s the count sleep in Scarlett’s room because “he’s already paid for her, he can enjoy her a few days early”

Scarlett stands up to her dad!!!! And then she remembers tella’s words: what if the count is worse?

Scarlett tells the count if she makes her dad stop, she’ll be a good wife but if he doesn’t she will never be his obedient wife

“Do you really want a bride who will only sleep with you because someone will be tortured if she doesn’t?” YES

Chapter 30

The count is like “listen I am NOT like your dad I’m sorry” and she’s like yeah but you’re not Julian

The count starts undressing and Scarlett aims a poker at his eyeball lmao

She finally remembers the elixir of protection in that dress from the tent and soaks the count

The count is like “you’re playing into legends hands” and Scarlett is like “nah he did me a favor by getting rid of you”

Chapter 31

Julian’s cut isn’t that deep thank god but he’s still woozy

“He tasted like midnight and wind”

Leap of faith - roses - it’s Rosa!!!!! She has to ask how Rosa died and Julian says she jumped off a balcony

They decide to sneak out using the tunnels to go search all the balconies

Chapter 32

The town during the day looks like a “faded memory”

She hears music from the rose colored carousel

The musician has been asking for coins the whole time but nothing else cost money

They jump onto the moving carousel and end up in the roses where Scarlett finds the caraval symbol

They have to jump, Julian gives her coordinates to a boat in case they get separated but they run out of time and she has to go in

She lands in a river and lands at a staircase guarded with statues that are definitely frozen people

Legend is there ofc

Chapter 33

She’s a little star struck by legend

His laugh is a rich spicy sound that echoes until he snaps his fingers

Homeboy is mad

Julian ends up there, dry, and...he’s working with legend...NOOOOOOO

Dante and Valentina were also part of the game

Rosa was not his sister...DUDE

She clutches his pocket watch and legend opens it - Julian’s voice comes out apologizing for betraying her

He does love her HE IS ENCHANTED!!!!!

LEGEND STABS JULIAN?!?!?!?!?!?

Oh fuck he is spitting blood oh fuck oh no

Scarlett you got him killed you dumdum

Chapter 34

I’m FUCKING FURIOUS

she remembers that she gets one wish, and she wants to use it to bring Julian back and I swear to goooooddddddd if he doesn’t come back I’m gonna throw myself out the window

Legend is gone, leaving a funeral invitation for tella set for tomorrow this guy is a MONSTER

Chapter 35

She ends up on a huge rooftop way high up

“The air felt soft and poisonous”

Tella is there feeling like “softness and sunlight and seeds for growing dreams”

We just used soft a sentence ago!!!!

Tella is like “you’re confused, the game is playing tricks on you”

Scarlett tells her about their grandmas history with legend

She shows tella the invitation and it now says it’s to a party not a funeral

Chapter 36

Tella has met a boy that’s not legend...it’s a guy she met right before she got taken for the game…

She’s engaged to him??

Scarlett is like maybe tella is right and this is all part of it...Scarlett DUDE

Scarlett has a bitter yellow puddle of dread in her stomach

If Daniel is Dante or Julian I’m gonna scream

Chapter 37

It’s legend of course

Duh

He tries to convince tella to tie Scarlett up you better NOT

TELLA

YOU DUMB BITCH

legend dares Scarlett to walk to the edge of the balcony to prove she loves her sister, so that he can feign worry to tella

They tie her up

The governor and the count show up FUCK

finally legend admits to tella who he is and she just breaks poor baby

Tella backs up to the ledge and says if the governor or the count touch Scarlett she’ll kill herself!!!!!!!

“Silver slippers sliding” toward the balcony

Scarlett breaks free but tella FUCKING JUMPS

Chapter 38

So now who is Scarlett gonna use her wish on?!

Her father looks like “a dragon with no fire and broken wings”

The governor slaps Jovan and legend is like imma fuck you UP

The governor killed Dante!!!!!!

She blackmails her dad with Philippe’s death

She remembers her wish...but who does she use it on?!

Which oof, oof, OOF

Tella is a brat lmao

Legend won’t give her the wish!!!!!

He’s...fading??

Scarlett goes to give tella her blood

She wishes her impossible wish but it doesn’t work

Chapter 39

She goes back up to get tella’s stuff and finds a caraval box with a letter inside from tella to legend that she didn’t know about

Chapter 40

She goes to see legend and finds out he’s actually some dude named Caspar…that was why he couldn’t grant her wish

There’s a stack of letter between tella and legend that basically illustrate that tella was willing to die for legend to get them to caraval

Tella is alive?!?!?!?!?!?

This was all a fucking game?!

Her impossible wish came true, but she had actually died

Tella orchestrated their dad getting to caraval so he could see her die, and so he would leave Scarlett alone

Chapter 41

So Julian is not really dead, but tella wanted anyone who made Scarlett love them to be taken out, that way she wouldn’t get hurt by someone who was just pretending

So she somehow warps this into meaning that Julian didn’t actually love her? Go...ask him??????? The fuck

God poor Scarlett…

So people can die in caraval, but when the game is over, they come back...so there were no fuckin stakes except for tella’s death

Chapter 42

They go to legends party in the forest and Scarlett sees Julian

Iko is there like go talk to Julian dumdum

“Shades of the rich ruby love she’d felt mixed with deep indigo hurt turning everything just a little bit violet” I don’t care I want them to kiss Stephanie

Julian is so hurt that she thinks she doesn’t know him

He’s related to legend…

Rosa dying changed his opinion of legend

He tried to leave the game right before this caraval

Legend is his brother!!!!!!!!!

He couldn’t leave Scarlett because she loved her sister like Julian loved his brother

He stayed because of Scarlett despite how it hurt him to lie to her

Yaaaaaay they kiss yay omg

Epilogue

Tella is dancing drunk at the party and is dancing with a new guy who dances her to the edge of the party...then he’s gone?

He dropped something into her pocket...a coin with a note…

From legend!!!!!

You can see your mom soon if you keep up your end of the bargain!!!!!

#book review #bookreviews #booktube #cringe books #cringe review #stephanie garber #caraval #legendary #finale #negative review #spoilers

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flying-elliska · 5 years

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salut ellie! someone once asked you about your writing and you recommended falling in love with language and finding ways of writing you love. i was wondering, what books and/or writing styles are you in love with? it's just so interesting to know what somehow had an impact on the way you're writing bc i honestly adore your style

wow do you remember that ? that is such a flattering question oh my god. well, i’m still working on it. some of my favorites are (i’m very eclectic lmao) :

- His Dark Materials (it’s a fantasy book series ‘for kids’ but it’s actually insanely deep and philosophic) is pretty much the first book series that made me fall in love with stories, and made me want to write. I think I found it when I was 10, and it completely shaped me. It’s so ambitious and clever, it never talks down to the reader, brings up those amazing worlds and philosophical concepts and is still accessible to kids. Most of all it is so committed to atmosphere, to making it vivid, to really make you go through what the characters are. I’m thinking of it and I can remember exactly certain passages in an almost sensory way : the witch Serafina Pekkala describing what it feels like to feel the Aurora Borealis on her bare skin as she is flying through the arctic. The polar bear Iorek giving Lyra frozen moss to help bandage his wounds after a battle. The grilled poppy heads that the Jordan College scholars at Oxford eat during a meeting. The little Gallivespians on their dragonflies and the way the sun reflects off their poisonous spurs. That’s how you make a story stick ; that’s how you can put in deep stuff without ever making it boring. I am so excited they’re making a tv series because that shit deserves some recognition. And I mean the whole plot about the importance of stories, free will, the horror of religious fundamentalism....always relevant. Philip Pullman’s stuff is great in general, I love his Sally Lockhart series, which is more adult and adventure focused, and is a great deal of fun. And of course, the sequel to HDM he’s been putting out recently.

- I spent a lot of my teen years reading either crime novels or historical novels. (When I think of some of the stuff I read when I was 13 I’m like oh my god what were my parents doing lmao some of that was really horrible.) And I think it gave me a good feeling for suspense and setting, and how important tension is. One of my all time faves is Andrea Japp. She is a French writer who does mostly crime, involving complex/monstrous woman characters and a very sensory, poetic approach to language, often involving food, plants and poisons. My favorite by her is the “Season of the Beast”/Agnès de Souarcy chronicles, which is a crime series set in medieval times, with a cool independent lady at its core, crimes in a monastery, and this very gloomy end of times vibe that I love. I also read a lot of Scandi Noir stuff, I love the kind of ...laconic approach to life. And again : vibe. Vibe is so important. And Sherlock Holmes stories. I love the Mary Russell series that take place in that universe and are basically a big Mary Sue self insert guilty pleasure but are just. So much fun.

- I like poetry a lot - not stuff that is too wordy, but something short, sharp and vivid. i think reading poetry is essential to feeding your inner ‘metaphor culture’. I love Mary Oliver. Rimbaud, too, that I read at 17 and rocked my world. One of my underrated faves is Hồ Xuân Hương, a Vietnamese poet from the 18th century who was adept at using nature metaphors to hide both erotic stuff, irreverent jokes, and political criticism, and correspond with all the great scholars of her time under a pseudonym. Badass. Recently I bought ‘Soft Science’ by Franny Choi, which is about cyborgs, having a female body, emotions and politics and it’s absolutely brilliant.

- I love reading fairy tales, too. Currently reading (i always read a lot of books at once lol) Angela Carter’s Book of Fairy Tales, basically fairy tales for grown ups, collected from folklore all over the world, with an amazing kind of gruesome humor and wisdom. Norse mythology is also so damn funny. That one bit with Thor dressing up as a bride or Loki’s shenanigans...amazing. And I like fantasy, I find it very soothing to read for some reason, my fave has to be Robin Hobb and her Realm of the Elderlings series. And Terry Pratchett, especially the series with Death or the Witches. Just brilliant. Neil Gaiman too.

- I tend to be very impatient when it comes to literary fiction, I find a lot of it is self-indulgent, dreary. I’m a genre reader through and through, I need to be amazed. I loved ‘the Elegance of the Hedgehog’ by Muriel Barbery though. Some stuff by Amélie Nothomb, Virginie Despentes occasionally (they’re French writers with a very dark, wry approach to life, tho the first is more polished acid and the second very punk rock). And ‘Special Topics in Calamity Physics’ by Marisha Pessl is pretentious as hell but a lot of fun, if you like dark academia. Salman Rushdie has a way with language that is amazing.

- I read a lot of non-fiction. At the moment : the Cabaret of Plants (about the symbolic/socio historical meaning of plants and how they shaped history) by Richard Mabey and ‘Feminist Fight Club’ by Jessica Bennett. One I absolutely love is ‘the Botany of Desire’ by Michael Pollan in which he traces the history of four plant species (apple, potato, cannabis, tulip) and how they impacted us as much as we impacted them. I was obsessed with plants for most of my life as you can see lol (my mother is a herbalist and I wanted to become a botanist for quite a while.). Also philosophy/anthropology in little bits. I love Tim Ingold. Things about witches. Anything by Rebecca Solnit is incredible.

- I’ve been reading a lot of YA recently, because it’s fun and quick and keeps me reading, and has a lot of good female characters. Big fave recently : Jane Unlimited by Kristin Cashore. It’s about a young bisexual woman who’s grieving and comes to this weird house full of doors, each of which leads to a different path in life, and we follow her through each choice she can potentially make, each of one becomes a different genre of story : creepy ghost story, spy story, sci-fi, cute romance, etc. It’s so innovative and it’s a story that is also bisexual culture at its core. Also I absolutely love love love love love (etc forever) the Raven Cycle series by Maggie Stiefvater. What she does with language is just so cool, because she stays simple and efficient but uses her metaphors in such a fulgurant, vivid way. Some of her lines are just. bam! genius. #goals. Also Ronan Lynch is probably THE character that helped me the most with my coming out. He’s one of my forever faves. Of course Harry Potter, lmao, I was of the generation that pretty much grew up with him, the last book came out when I was 17. JK Rowling really should just stop rn. But I learned so much from those, about the importance of making your story feel like home, and having a clear emotional journey. And Harry is such a sarcastic little shit, I love him. And I love a Series of Unfortunate Events too, the darkly funny tone of it, the celebration of knowledge and resilience.

- I think in terms of the classics (I had to read in school lmao), I do like Victor Hugo a lot even though some of his stuff just doesn’t fucking stop. I also like Balzac and his Comédie Humaine, he’s very observant, mean and funny when it comes to people (even though it’s depressing.) Colette is my grandma’s fave writer and she is a rockstar, I love her (also hella bi culture). Jane Austen is great, I read Pride and Prejudice in one night straight, I was so hooked. Love Jane Eyre too. I read On the Road by Jack Kerouac while hopped up on opioid pain killers and that’s probably the only way to appreciate it, but it did mark me.

- But to be completely fucking candid, I probably read the most fanfic nowadays still. Esp since I got to college, I need to unwind when I read, and having characters you already know can be so comforting. Now, of course, there’s a lot of fanfic that is just fluff (nothing wrong with that) but I honestly really believe in the literary value of fanfic. Because some of that shit simply just really slaps and is well written. But also as a genre on its own : you just simply don’t get so much emotional nuance, and depth in most other things. Because these are characters we already know and the writers are not afraid to be self-indulgent and plot is secondary, we see shades of things that we never see anywhere else, we see relationships developping in the small things and wow that shit is breathtaking, bro, sometimes. The art of infinite variation on a theme. Even though a lot of fic writers could use a bit of stricter editing, and do stuff a bit too many unnecessary details in here, so does Victor Hugo soooooooo....

lol i could go on forever. i love book soooo much. uni kinda killed my reading appetite, I used to read several books a week when I was in middle school. hope i can get back there (although maybe not as much bc i have a life now lol.) but thinking about everything i have yet to read makes me sooooo happy. I want to get more into sci-fi, English lit classics. Basically I like stuff that’s witty, dark, political, hedonistic, with dry humor, but a warm heart. Stories that celebrate knowledge, curiosity and human weirdness. And that gets to the point. When I get bored by a book, I put it down, because I just don’t have the time. I also hate writers where you can tell that they think they’re better than other people. Misanthropy is boring. Thank you for this question anon I had a blast

#reading #books #book recs #literature #anon asks

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myownfalseh0pe · 5 years

Text

Y’all.....

I never thought I’d meet someone that is worth waiting for. Worth fighting for. That I’d be more than happy to root for on the sidelines. I don’t wanna let him go, and truthfully, that’s hard for me to say about anyone because I let people go left and right without it affecting me like nothing. I’m happy to be able to witness their growth, not just with themselves, but most importantly with God.

Lord.. I pray that your will be done in both of our lives. I surrender him to you. Take him, hide him, and mold him into the powerful man of God I KNOW he is and see him for. I want nothing more than to stand by his side and do Your work together, God. Restore his heart, mind, and spirit. Make him brand new.

Father. I seriously don’t know what it is about this man that makes me want to love and take care of him for the rest of my life, but I just do.

It’s incredible that despite all of his flaws and mistakes, I still feel so strongly about him. Giving my track record, I would’ve given up already and thrown in the towel.. but no. I refuse to. I’m not going to be another one of his statistics and leave him behind.

I wish he could see himself the way that I see him. Hell, the way GOD sees him.

Ugh. Feelings. But man, am I feeling them lol.

Let me tell y’all about this beautiful work of art.

He’s the most handsome man. I love his face. The color of his skin is the perfect shade of cinnamon. A sweet spice, just like him. A heart of pure gold. I mean, I’ve never met anyone that cares as much as him. He’s honestly so nice and gentle. I love the way his chin and cheeks widen when he smiles. God, that smile. The smile that makes me feel so warm. The smile that melts away all of my anger, worry, and stress the second he flashes it my way. I dream that I get to gaze into those sparkling eyes as we fall asleep together some day. The first and last thing I get to see. He has such life in his beautiful, beaming deep brown eyes, it gives me hope. At the same time, I see the hurt in them. The hurt that saddens me because he never deserved the cruel things life and the enemy has thrown at him. I wish I could take it all away and make it stop hurting. His eyes.. are just my absolute favorite thing about him. I love playing dumb and acting like I don’t catch him admiring me from across the room lol. I love his scruff. Kissing the top of his head, his nose, his cheeks, ears, neck and lips.. my God those lips.. they fit so perfect with mine. Like a puzzle piece. I lose track of time when we interlock. He takes my breath away with every pull. In those moments, I’m his. I’m all his. I just want to stay frozen right then and there and never let our lips separated. I love his hugs. They’re honestly the most comforting hugs ever. I feel so safe and secure in his arms. Nothing bad can happen when I’m with him. I love rubbing his arms and just feeling his warmth that let’s me know how alive and real he is. I silently stare at him in disbelief sometimes and think that I don’t deserve such a sweet, sweet man. I miss holding his hands and soothingly rubbing them with my thumbs. Oof, I love his hands so much. The way they look, how they feel. Overall just the perfect man hands lol. He’s such a hard worker. I wish he knew how much I admire him and how he inspires me to be better in certain areas of my life. I gotta tell y’all though, he has the goofiest laugh. One that I looove to hate. So much. I can’t help but laugh along with whatever it is that made him laugh. His laugh makes me laugh and I think that’s the best thing ever. Every time I hear it start to build up I can’t help but think “Oh no, here it comes.” And wait for it to kind of startle me because of how loud he naturally is lol. I don’t mind it though because I know that means he’s being filled with joy, which indefinitely fills me with joy. His laugh is just “adorkable” and I love it more and more every time. Have I mentioned how wonderful he smells? It’s intoxicating to say the least. I don’t know what cologne or whatever it is that he wears, but it’s delightful and has become a familiar smell that makes me not want to detach from his hugs/cuddles lol. I love counting every beat of his heart when I lay my head on his chest. It’s so peaceful. Every thud. I love placing my hand on his thigh as he drives and feeling the tension in his muscles when he alternates between the brake and gas pedal. It’s the most innocent and random, yet most satisfying feeling ever. I love his personality. His humor is like no other. The only one that matches mine. Sometimes he makes the most inappropriate jokes that I laugh at silently in my head and think about for the rest of the day. I don’t know man, he just has so much life in him. I wish he knew that he makes me want to bring out the best in me and makes me want to be myself unapologetically. I simply feel free. This guy, just all together, is too remarkable for words. YOOOO. Okay. Bro. This man.. when he prays.. OOF. ON. FIRE. Nothing can stop him. He has this cute stutter, that y’all probably guessed by now, I love. But when he prays??? MAN. The stutter goes away because he is so CONFIDENT in God and lets the Holy Spirit flow through him. *inhale* BOIIIII.

Real quick though. Can y’all believe said man thinks I’M beautiful!? Like he thinks so highly of and compliments me like no other. He’s truly the first to make me feel butterflies in the very pit of my stomach. What the heck!? I’ve never felt that before!!

It’s 1:42 AM and should probably stop typing bc I’m TIDE. I could go on and on for the eternity we would be with Jesus in Heaven. This is only the first lick of the whole entire ice cream cone lol.

But just know that I will never stop praying for you. I will never stop interceding on your behalf. I will never stop rooting for you and being in aw of you. I will literally do anything for you in God’s favor. Keep chasing our dear heavenly Father with all of your heart. Run like a mighty rushing wind. And I’ll do the same. For when it’s our time, before we know it, while we’re both busy running after God, we’ll meet again right at the very top of the triangle of you, me, and the Lord. I believe it. I know it.

S.A.R.

#Wow #I think I love this man #AM I CRAZY #WHAT ARE THESE FEELS

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mag200 · 6 years

Text

@little-narnian-notes okay heres every taylor song that constantly makes me think of bagginshield:

the outside bc of all the time early in the quest when bilbo’s not used to all the dwarves and feels like they’re all such close friends and look after each other and he doesn’t know how to get close to any of them but there are quiet moments when he realizes that although thorin is one of them and they all look up to him, in a way he’s also on the outside bc of his duty to them

mary’s song (oh my my my) is a reshirement AU

i’m only me when i’m with you is another reshirement mood

untouchable is 100% both of them starting to feel aware of each other at all times and understanding each other without knowing how to approach the other and say “hey i’m here for you”

change is every time thorin starts to think the quest is doomed and that maybe he’s just leading his loved ones to ruin and bilbo keeps believing in him

mine bc “do you remember we were sitting there by the water? you put your arms around me for the first time” screams laketown

sparks fly makes me think of thorin working in the forges crafting a small gift for bilbo the fire and the sparks around him and “give me something that’ll haunt me when you’re not around”

enchanted for obvious reasons

innocent after thorin drags himself out of the gold sickness and realizes what he’s done, what he almost did

haunted because after his adventures he goes home to find it ransacked all his things being peddled off and nothing is the same as he left it and it couldn’t be because he isn’t the same and “i heard he never married”

long live “i had the time of my life fighting dragons with you”

ours “your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in”

safe & sound a lullaby of thorin’s war-torn youth and a lifetime bilbo can’t begin to understand but he listens

state of grace “i never saw you coming AND I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME” what a mood, all the fragility is killing me, “so you were never a saint and i’ve loved in shades of wrong, we learned to live with the pain, MOSAIC BROKEN HEARTS”

red because we must suffer. losing him was blue like i’d never known. missing him was dark grey, all alone. forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. but loving him was red.

treacherous is so tentative and hopeful and just? hjghghgh bilbo leaves ALL safety & propriety & rules behind to risk everything to follow thorin across the world because “nothing safe is worth the drive and i will follow you, follow you home”

i knew you were trouble which i know is about taylor being cheated on but just the sheer fact that bilbo’s life was perfectly tidy and comfortable until thorin traipsed into his house all COME WITH ME we have to FIGHT A DRAGON and be GAY AND SAD

holy ground always makes me think of them climbing their way up the lonely mountain and when bilbo spots the giant stone dwarf that apparently no one else could see and thorin runs up to him and right there, where we stood, was holy ground

sad beautiful tragic for obvious fucking reasons

everything has changed like????? everything sure did fucking change. for bot h of them. can you imagine, either of them, ever had a clue, this was comign. no.

sweeter than fiction which always makes me think of all the people who chose not to help thorin all his life “hit the ground, only sound you heard was no” and then there’s bilbo “i’ll be one of the many saying, you made us proud”

out of the woods bc they can never catch a fucking break

this love is the AU where bilbo almost loses thorin on ravenhill but he doesn’t (actually i wrote a fic called this love came back to me lmao)

i know places i just love the imagery of them like. trying to fucking sneak around. everyone knows you guys. you’re in love. its okay. be free.

clean actually tho about thorin coming out the other side of the gold sickness and finally being free of the fear of his history

wonderland “and life was never worse and never better”

you are in love gOd the ending they deserved really. “and you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars, and why i’ve spent my whole life trying to put it into words.” they really. they rlly lost their minds and fought the wars. bilbo rlly spent the rest of his life trying to put it into words in his book and it took him the next 60 years to be able to process all of that.

delicate is so real thorin’s reputation never has been worse and also, all his life i don’t think he’s been able to trust that anyone outside his family does like him, if they do it must be because they want something??? how wild it must seem to him that bilbo likes him for him. cares for him not as a prince not as the heir to an ancient and once rich kingdom not as a legend but as a person.

gorgeous is so fun but i like to think it’s bilbo @ thorin in rivendell like, early on before real feelings are developing, when bilbo’s still thinking that thorin’s rude and annoying but, fuck, so pretty, he hates it

king of my heart, body, and soul, oh whoa, oh. also always crying over “is this the end of all the endings? my broken bones are mending?” (that line feels to me as if its from thorins pov)

dancing with our hands tied is unfortunately the death of me & about losing thorin and looking back and remembering. “i, i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us” and “swaying as the room burned down, i’d hold you as the water rushes in if i could dance with you again”

call it what you want is soooooo much. thorin’s castle crumbled overnight and he brought a knife to a gun fight but can you imagine the peace & acceptance in saying “they took the crown but it’s alright.” and then and then. in bag end when thorin comes and he wants bilbo to come with him he sings a song yearning for all he’s lost and exposes all of that to a stranger.. “you don’t need to save me, but would you run away with me?” and bilbo: “yes.”

new year’s day is the moment bilbo holds out his hand to show thorin the acorn he picked up and tells thorin all about how he wants to remember everything, “hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you.” it’s what it was like to have thorin look right through him, in the thrall of gold sickness and fearing that thorin didn’t recognize anyone at all, “please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh i could recognize anywhere.” it’s a year after the reclamation of erebor and thorin and fili and kili lived and bilbo stayed, “don’t read the last page, but i stay when it’s hard, or it’s wrong, or we’re making mistakes.” it’s the peace they deserve. the rest at the end of it all. “you and me forevermore.”

#you can watch my progression into getting more and more emo writing this whole thing #this was a lot more than i planned #bagginshield #taylor swift #little-narnian-notes

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nikanndros · 6 years

Text

The Hennike (and Auguste) Lives AU. Part 2/2.

Unedited bc 10k in one day does not make me want to put my eyes on this ever again. At least it’s finished now!! [Part 1] -

It takes less than an hour for Damianos to find Laurent after that, reading in the gardens.

“Did I offend you?” he asks.

“No,” Laurent replies dryly, turning a page. “I find the way you send your servants to manage your social interactions very alluring.”

“Ah,” Damianos says. He smiles and takes a seat on the bench. “I wasn’t sure if you’d welcome my attentions. I thought sending a servant would make it easier for you to say no.”

“You don’t intimidate me.”

“I don’t think I could,” he says. “But to be honest, Makedon intimidates me and I’d hate to see what he’d do to anyone who didn’t show you all the respect you deserve.”

“Usually, he just gives me a sword and tells me to take care of it myself.”

“You are talented with a sword, then?” He sounds pleased at the revelation.

“Perhaps we can spar some time.”

“I would like that very much.”

Laurent finally gives up the pretension of reading and closes his book. He gazes at Damianos, who looks more like a sun-bathed figure of old myth than a man, and considers what it would be like to let this flirtation go further. Most of his romantic interactions are soldiers offering to fuck him. They’re usually fueled by the desire to conquer something pretty and Veretian. Damianos, who theoretically could have conquered part of Vere, doesn’t seem to have the same intentions.

“So,” Laurent prompts, “you were going to ask me to ride with you?”

Damianos grins.

The wedding is big, dramatic and beautiful. Kastor’s bride is decked in purple and silver Patran ceremonial wear, and Kastor can’t seem to take his eyes off her. Laurent, from his place in the audience, seems to be having the same reaction to Damianos, who stands to the side of Kastor and grins at him through the entire ceremony.

Looking at Damen is a mix of exciting and terrifying. He’s beautiful and has all the good-natured charisma that a king should possess. But he also is Akielon, and it scares Laurent that he doesn’t know when he stopped thinking of that as a bad thing. As it is, he appreciates the chiton that displays Damianos’ powerful calves and thighs. His red cape falls over only one side, which also gives Laurent a view of a broad shoulder, the line of pure muscle.

It seems that after first considering Damianos as a prospect for intimacy, Laurent can’t stop thinking about it. He thinks he’d like to feel that wide chest pressed against him, to wrap his hands around Damen’s biceps and claim his pouting lips.

Makedon says something to Laurent then and he startles. “What?” Laurent says.

Makedon just grins at Laurent and shakes his head.

Damianos spends most of the feast that evening caught up in the duties of a Prince at his brother’s wedding, but he often finds moment to search the crowd for Laurent and to smile at him. It feels like they are on the cusp of something. Laurent finds it very hard not to smile back.

It’s a silly idea, to want to woo the Crown Prince of Akielos, but Damen has a mystery fiancee out there somewhere, and Laurent can’t remember ever feeling quite so attracted to anyone before. A quick dalliance, a summer infatuation, feels almost like a good idea. He’ll allow Damen to give Laurent his attention for the next couple of weeks in Ios, and then he’ll go back to Sicyon and they’ll both forget all about it. He has no doubt that he’s just someone exotically pretty who has caught Damen’s eye.

“Laurent,” Damen says, taking the seat next to Laurent. He sounds joyful and a little drunk. It’s late enough in the evening for some people to have retired, but still many are celebrating - it is a royal wedding after all. Kastor, for his part, disappeared with his new wife some hours ago and to much whistling.

“Damianos,” Laurent replies.

Damen grins at him. His curls are falling in front of his face, almost obscuring one eye and Laurent fights the urge to brush it back. “You have been a beacon to me all night,” he says. “I have never regretted my duties so much as I do that they’ve taken me from you.”

Laurent doesn’t know what to say to that. Damen has the manner of a man sober enough to walk but drunk enough to spill all his secrets. “Is that so?”

“Yes,” Damen says. “I was looking forward to meeting you again,” he continues, “because Makedon has been praising your intelligence and heart for years and I thought perhaps - I remember you advising me, all those years ago, before Marlas, and I thought to make you an advisor of thoughts. Now I have seen you, and you have grown and I am having a very hard time thinking straight.”

“You are drunk,” Laurent says, trying not to look too amused.

“I am,” Damen agrees. “We keep catching eyes across the room and my thoughts are filled with only you. I want to touch your hair. I want to rest my head upon your shoulder until our lungs have matched breath for breath and my head is filled with only thoughts of you.”

Laurent has never been so aware of the weakness he has for sweetly spoken words. He closes his eyes. “You only really met me yesterday,” Laurent tells him. “I could disappear after tonight and you would hardly think of me again.”

“I don’t believe that,” Damen says. “Will you break fast with me tomorrow?”

“Will you be awake and well enough to eat?”

“My desire to see you will sustain me through any trial.”

Laurent opens his eyes. Damen is grinning at him. He laughs. “Okay,” Laurent says. “I will see you in the morning then.”

Damen comes for breakfast the next morning, looking endearingly worse for wear, and then he continues coming for breakfast for the next week. They spend a lot of time together, probably more than Damen should allow considering his duties, and Laurent finds himself growing attached to the feeling of basking in Damen’s attention.

They go riding some days, or they spar - and the way Damen’s eyes had darkened when he’d realised just how good Laurent was will be seared into his mind forever - or they sit in the gardens and discuss Laurent’s latest book or gossip at court, or the weather and whatever else crosses their minds.

One day, Damen picks a bright, round fruit from a tree and hands it to him. “Have you had one before?” Damen asks, sounding affectionately amused by Laurent’s expression.

“No,” he says. “What is it?”

“A pomegranate.”

“How do I eat it?”

Damen smiles, and gets a knife and shows Laurent how to cut into the fruit, spilling out hundreds of glistening red seeds. They sit in the grass together, protected by the shade of the trees and eat the fruit together. It’s such a simple thing to do that Laurent feels warm with the easy companionship they’ve built.

Laurent finishes eating and he looks up to Damen’s red stained mouth, and then to his own hands, dripping with juice. “You’ve made a mess of me,” Laurent says.

Damen grins, and Laurent is struck with a helpless urge. He leans forward and kisses the stains away from Damen’s mouth. Damen, for his part, makes a surprised sound and then meets his kiss with the same delicacy that Laurent has given him.

They spend the afternoon trading kisses after that, and Damen is just as sweet and consuming in the task as Laurent has fantasised he might be. At one point, Damen takes Laurents hands and kisses away the remaining juice at his fingertips and after that Laurent finds himself in Damen’s lap, opening his mouth and wishing that the gentle afternoon never ends.

It is three days before his departure back to Sicyon that Laurent allows Damen to take him apart slowly in his bed. It’s both gentle and hot, and miles better than anything Laurent had allowed himself to think it might be. Damen holds his hands when he fucks him and looks into his eyes and whispers sweet things across his collarbones. Laurent adores the way Damen seems to lose himself at the end - succumbing to his own overwhelming passion.

“Makedon is returning to Sicyon soon,” Damen says, running his hands idly across Laurent’s skin as the dawn light breaks upon them. “Will you go with him?”

Laurent looks at Damen, and the soft vulnerability on his face. Sometimes, he can barely remember what it was like to be a Prince, and thinks that maybe he imagined it - his identity as the bastard Veretian, Makedon’s adopted son, has subsumed him entirely. But there’s something about Damen - a warmth that envelopes Laurent and makes him feel safe, that reminds him of being a child and climbing trees too tall for him, and trusting Auguste below, always ready to catch him.

He knows the situation with Damen, this affair, is not secure - eventually Damen will wed and have children and not have time to remember his dalliance with an ex-Veretian bastard, but his heart feels safe beyond reason. He wants to stay, he realises.

“But there are so many things I want to do with you,” Laurent says, and Damen takes him back into his arms and kisses him until he can’t even remember his own name.

Six

It is odd to stay at the palace in Ios, with no real role but as Damen’s guest. Laurent is free to do what he wants when he wants, but he has no real duties. Sometimes Damen will discuss his day with Laurent, tell him of the issues the realm is having and listen patiently when Laurent offers potential solutions.

“How do you know all this?” Damen asks.

“I read,” Laurent says, and he pretends that all this knowledge - of roads and taxes and crops - wasn’t originally intended for Auguste.

Damen introduces him to his closest friend, Nikandros, and his most promising soldiers. He has Laurent sit next to him at dinners and brings him gifts of weapons and clothes and then a finely bred horse.

At dinner one day, Kastor looks between Laurent and Damen and says, “Brother, you’re smitten.” Damen just smiles and kisses Laurent’s palm and makes no move to deny it.

Weeks turn to months and Laurent is writing hasty letters to his worried mother, assuring her he’ll come home soon, but he can’t decide when soon will be. The thing is, the thing that Laurent had not prepared himself for, is that he feels quite unwell at the thought of leaving Damen and losing what they have.

One evening, at the climax, Damen loses himself and whispers words of love into Laurent’s neck, and it’s all Laurent can do to cling him tighter. He doesn’t know if he wants to cry or to murmur such assurances back. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. Everything about Damen is completely unexpected.

“Here,” Damen says, one morning, coming back to their room - his room - with letters. “Your mother is an avid writer.”

Laurent takes the letter from his hands and rips into it. “She’s worried you’ve kidnapped me and locked me in a tower.”

“Ah,” Damen says, climbing back into the bed. “I’ll be sure to send a lock of your hair with my next ransom letter.”

Laurent laughs, eyes skimming over the page. It’s the same as usual - she’s doing fine and Makedon is fine, and she misses and loves him. It’s up to you if you want to stay, she writes, as she does in every letter, but know you can come home at any time, my little star.

Laurent smiles, and looks up, to where Damen is reading his own letter. The seal on it is shockingly familiar.

“What is that?” Laurent asks, just too sharp to be casual.

Damen gives Laurent an amused look. “A letter from King Auguste,” he says. “We are something like friends, now.” Damen remembers Laurent asking about Auguste as a child - he thinks Laurent has a hero worship for his old King and finds it endearing. Technically, Laurent supposes, he’s not entirely wrong.

“What news does he bring?” Laurent asks.

Damen smiles. “If you are using me to get close to the King of Vere,” he says, “I will be heartbroken.”

Laurent kisses him, quickly. “Please, I can use my own charm to get to royalty, thank you.”

“That you can.” Damen chases the kiss for a few moments before he turns back to the letter. “Auguste has written to inform me that - oh!”

“What is it?”

“He’s getting married.”

“To who?”

Damen’s face makes a complicated expression and then he starts laughing. “To my fiancee,” Damen says, when he finally gets a hold of himself. He hands Laurent the letter.

The words, in Auguste’s looping handwriting is the closest Laurent has been to his brother in years. He finds himself greedily reading over the words.

Jokaste asks me to tell you, Auguste has written, that technically your offer to make her a queen has been fulfilled, if not in the way you intended. She wants to assure you that she’ll still make good on your deal.

“What deal?” Laurent asks. He can vaguely remember Jokaste, a beautiful woman who had appeared briefly in Sicyon after Marlas.

“Ah,” Damen says. He seems to hesitate slightly before he continues. “It is a secret. When we made the treaty, Auguste confided in me his concerns about his Uncle. I agreed to marry Jokaste in exchange for her going to Vere and assisting Auguste against any treachery. I didn’t expect it to take so long, but apparently the man is difficult to catch.”

Laurent is silent for so long that Damen starts to look concerned. “Laurent?”

“You offered to marry someone, so that they would help your enemy of decades?”

“Vere is my ally now.”

“He was barely an ally at the time you sent that woman over!”

“Are you mad at me for it?” Damen asks, with the delicacy of someone who is completely out of their depth.

“No!” Laurent says. He doesn’t want to think of it now, but he hadn’t even considered the idea that his uncle would strike out against Auguste. He’s always thought of his Uncle’s desires as distinctly un-Kingly.

“You sound upset.”

“I’m not,” Laurent says. “I just… you’re so kind and good sometimes that it’s hard to comprehend.”

“I did what was right. Anyone would have done it.”

“They really wouldn’t have,” Laurent replies. He looks at Damen, and the way he’s leaning towards him, earnestly concerned by Laurent’s outburst of emotion. “I love you,” Laurent says, helplessly.

“Oh,” Damen says, softly.

“I love you so much I can hardly breathe with it.”

“Are you crying?”

“No,” Laurent says, even though he very clearly is. “Hold me.”

Damen needs no more than that to bundle Laurent against his chest and tightly wraps his arms around him. “Are you okay?” Damen says, after a long moment.

“Yes,” Laurent says. “I’m just feeling a lot of things right now.”

“Okay,” Damen says, and then he’s stroking Laurent’s hair gently. There’s a long pause, and then Damen speaks again. “I love you too.”

“I know.”

“Good,” Damen says. “Good.”

Seven

The issue with promising himself to Jokaste all those years ago, Damen knows, is that it gave him an image of what his future would be and he hasn’t strayed much against it. Now that she’s engaged to Auguste, Damen suddenly has options that he hasn’t even considered.

He won’t pretend that his relationship with Laurent hasn’t been an issue. He’s been spending the last weeks trying to decide whether asking Laurent to be his official mistress of sorts would offend him or not. And he loves Laurent more than he would a mistress, he thinks. Laurent is fire and ice, the sweetness of pomegranate seeds followed by a sharp tang. He loves the contradictions that make up his lover and he’s been lost on what to do about it.

Laurent is different after the outburst with the letters. Or he is the same, but the intensity has changed. He tells Damen a lot more about his thoughts and his feelings, confides his worries about his mother’s happiness, and the feeling of otherness he gets sometimes, the way he doesn’t fully identify as Veretian or Akielon.

He sits down with Damen some nights, and they stay up together, poring over pages and plans and issues that people are having and coming up with solutions together. It is on one such night that Damen realises that his relationship with Laurent has evolved from lovers to partners - equals, even.

He goes to Kastor first.

Damen and Kastor have an odd relationship. They are siblings, but half siblings, and so everything that should be Kastor’s by right is age is actually Damen’s by right of legitimacy. He knows this causes tension between them, Nikandros has advised Damen to be wary of it enough times. But there’s also an imbalance that they share - as if they both want something out of each other that they’re not getting. Damen doesn’t know what exactly Kastor wants from him, he wishes he did so he could give it, but all he wants from his brother is exactly that - a brother.

He visits Kastor in his chambers one afternoon, while Kastor’s new wife is off making friends or strolling the gardens or doing whatever it is that Princesses without a lot of duties do to fill their time. Kastor seems happier married, as if all he has ever really wanted is a single person that could be his own and nobody else’s.

“What can I do for you, brother?” Kastor asks. Damen pours wine for them both, after having sent the slaves away. Damen has been sending slaves away a lot lately, even from simple tasks like serving his refreshments. He doesn’t know why, except that Laurent tends to look uncomfortable around them and it is Damen’s greatest wish to see Laurent at ease and happy in the life they’re slowly building around each other.

“Kastor,” Damen says, and because he is trying to be more open, more explicitly honest with himself and others, he says: “I know we haven’t always gotten along well, but you are one of the dearest people in my life and when I find myself in moments of indecision, it’s always you who I long to speak to.”

Kastor is quite neatly stunned into silence.

“I wondered if I could ask your advice on something,” Damen continues.

“Alright,” Kastor says, slowly. “What is it?”

“I am in love with Laurent,” he says. “I cannot bear even the thought of spending a day without him.”

Kastor snorts. “Yes, I think everyone is well aware of that. You wear your heart like you do your lion pin.”

“I want to marry him,” Damen says. “What do you think?”

Kastor is quiet for a long moment. “What of your mystery woman? The one you tossed Aleta aside for?” Aleta who was now Kastor’s wife.

“It didn’t work out,” Damen says, and then he smiles ruefully. “She found someone better.”

Kastor scoffs. “Alright then. What do you want my opinion for?”

“Do you think I’ll be able to convince father?”

“No,” Kastor says, immediately. “I don’t think father will be happy for you to only have bastards for heirs.” Damen can hear the bitterness in his brother’s voice, and he feels a pang of something. Regret perhaps, that he was born the legitimate one, but not quite because he doesn’t think he could give up being King.

Damen takes a breath. “I’ve thought of that,” he says, carefully. “My heir wouldn’t be a bastard if they were…”

“What?” Kastor says.

“If they were your future child,” he rushes, “with Aleta. If you’d consider that?”

Once again, he has shocked Kastor into silence. Kastor is giving him a look as if he has never truly seen Damen before. “You would put my child on the throne?” Kastor says, doubtfully.

Damen sits back. “Of course. It will be your child, our blood.”

“I won’t have you call my son your heir only to change your mind when you get your first bastard.”

“I won’t have any,” Damen says. “I don’t… I can’t even think of anyone but Laurent. I don’t want mistresses or slaves or lovers on the side. I only want him.”

Kastor sighs.

“Tell me what you think of this,” Damen says, “honestly, please.”

“It’s insane,” Kastor says. “It will take a lot to convince father, I’m not entirely positive that that’s even possible. What will you do if he disagrees?”

“I’ll keep Laurent as my lover,” Damen says, “and no-one else. Even if we don’t marry, I won’t leave him.”

Kastor laughs, suddenly. “Do you remember,” he says, “when we were young, and you got it in your head that only the highest flower from my Mother’s garden would be good enough to give her on her birthday?”

“Yes,” Damen says. He had loved Hypermenestra like a mother, when he’d been younger, and she had loved him by virtue of being the son of the two people she loved. Her funeral had been one of the few days that he and Kastor had felt truly close. He remembers his brother’s arm across his shoulder when they took the long walk at dawn.

“You were as stubborn then as you are now,” Kastor says. “I’ll support you when you take this to father.”

“Absolutely not,” Theomedes says. He looks at Kastor. “You can’t possibly agree with your brother’s madness.”

Kastor shrugs. “When Damen was nineteen,” Kastor says, “he secured us both Delpha and what has become our most profitable alliance, in the space of a day. I trust his judgement.”

Theomedes scowls, “He is Veretian.”

“He is Makedon’s son,” Kastor says, “and it’s not like he’ll be spitting out heirs.”

The King looks to Damen. “How did you convince your brother of this?”

“Love,” Damen says. “I love Laurent, and I want him to be a part of our family. Like you loved my mother and Nessa.”

“When I am gone,” Theomedes says, to Kastor, “you’ll be in charge of saving him from his own sentimentality.”

“I’ll try my best,” Kastor agrees.

“Fine,” Theomedes says, then he waves a hand to declare the matter over. “Do what you want. I won’t pretend either of you have listened to me since you children.”

It’s just joking enough to make Damen smile. “Thank you, father,” he says, sharing a grin with Kastor.

The next step, is the most daunting of all: asking Laurent.

The issue is that Laurent is unpredictable and so it is impossible to make a plan for when to do it. They’ll go riding together to a nice lake and Damen will open his mouth but then Laurent is prodding his horse into a gallop and Damen will be too busy racing his lover back to the palace to ask. And then when the time is right, he gets nervous. He knows Laurent didn’t enter into this arrangement with the intention of marriage. It hadn’t been on the table at all. Perhaps Laurent doesn’t want that, and he is still young, nineteen soon, and maybe he should wait.

Kastor raises an eyebrow at Damen over dinner, when Damen gets caught up staring at Laurent, and flicks an olive at him.

Coward, Kastor mouths at him, and then he laughs when Damen kicks him under the table and their father rolls his eyes.

Pallas is something of a rising star in the army. He’s young and handsome and very skilled. Damen likes sparring with him, because other than Nikandros and Laurent, there aren’t many people that keep him on his toes when it comes to fighting.

“His left side is weak,” Laurent calls, from outside the ring. “Go low, Pallas.”

“Laurent!” Damen says, disarming Pallas before he can act on Laurent’s advice and turning a betrayed look to his lover.

Laurent grins, unrepentant, and the soldiers who were also watching the fight laugh. Damen can’t help but feel a burst of happiness at the way that Laurent has determinedly snuck his way into the good graces of his men.

“My left side isn’t weak,” Damen says, stepping out of the ring to approach Laurent.

“Ah, I must have imagined you falling off your horse yesterday then, trying to best me.”

“It’ll take more than that to hurt me,” Damen says, “and it’s your fault for being so distracting.”

“Good,” Laurent says, and his smile turns more intimate the closer Damen gets to him. They’re nose to nose now. “Let me distract you further. I’m bored, take me to bed.”

Laurent presses a kiss against his mouth, and then turns and runs before Damen can grab him. The men that bore witness to this are laughing and whistling. Damen knows they enjoy this, hints of their Crown Prince’s virility. He also knows that Laurent mostly does things like this for a reason other than just bedplay. Still, Damen is helpless but to follow. He grins at the men.

“Soldiers,” he says, “if you’ll excuse me.” And then he’s off, caught up in the chase for a prize far sweeter than he deserves.

“What do your slaves do,” Laurent asks, “when you’re not using them?”

Damen frowns, pauses in stroking Laurent’s hair. He should get up and light a candle soon; they’ve spent the whole afternoon in bed and it’ll be dark soon. He’s pretty sure they’ve missed dinner, but noone came to get them so it should be fine.

“I don’t know,” Damen says. “Some of them play instruments, I think?”

“Hmm,” Laurent says. “Are they allowed to leave the castle?”

“I suppose,” Damen replies, “if they want to.”

“But what if you call for one and they’re not here?”

“That’s never happened.”

“So they mustn't leave the castle then,” Laurent reasons. “They must always be waiting for you, just in case you want them.”

“Is that why they make you uncomfortable?”

“Have you stopped using them because they make me uncomfortable?”

“Yes,” Damen replies, honest. Sometimes Laurent plunges him into conversations that he doesn’t know how to navigate, like this one.

Laurent is quiet for a moment. “They make me uncomfortable,” he says, “because they are trained as children that their purpose is life is to be chosen by powerful men and to be fucked by them.”

“It’s not…” Damen begins, but then he stops. He doesn’t know what he wants to say. “It sounds bad when you put it like that.”

“It is bad,” Laurent says. “Even the word - slave - is bad. It tells you that they have no will of their own. They are property before they are people. That isn’t right.”

Damen frowns. “They aren’t - we don’t force them. They are treated with honour.”

“I think,” Laurent says, and the way he speaks - each word clearly enunciated - let’s Damen know that Laurent has been leading the conversation to get them here: wherever here is. “That I am more qualified to speak of this then you.”

“What do you mean?”

There’s something very specific in the way Laurent holds himself. Tense, but in the guise of being comfortable, relaxed. “When I was younger,” he says, “someone took advantage of me. He had a way of speaking that made me believe it was okay, at the time. It was brainwashing of a sort. When I see your slaves, I think of them as youths - being convinced that their highest purpose is to let some stranger own them and do what he likes with them.”

Damen is quiet for a long time. “Was it,” he says, “one of Makedon’s soldiers?”

“No,” Laurent says. “No, it was before then. I was not a virgin when you first met me.”

“You were barely fourteen when I first met you.”

“I know,” Laurent says. He’s looking at Damen carefully. “...Are you okay?”

“Are you?!”

“Yes,” Laurent says. “It was a long time ago, and my mother found out before long. She went to great lengths to get me away from… the situation. And we spoke of it in the years after and she made sure I knew that it wasn’t my fault.”

Damen is suddenly profoundly grateful to Laurent’s mother. He thinks if he met her now he might cry. “Alright,” Damen says.

“You look very tense.”

“I’m thinking,” Damen replies.

“Okay,” Laurent says, awkwardly. He sits up, taking his head away from its resting place in Damen’s lap. “Do you want me to go?”

“No!” Damen says. “No, I just. I’m trying to-” he closes his eyes. “I can’t do much about it now,” he says. “I am not King yet and it will be a long process when I am. But I’ll get it done.”

“Get what done?” Laurent asks, quietly.

Damen looks at him. Laurent looks gentler like this, only sheets to cover him and watching Damen uncertainly. They aren’t touching anymore and Damen can’t have that, so he takes Laurent’s hand. “Outlawing slavery,” he says.

“Oh,” Laurent breathes. “That wasn’t my intention, in this conversation.”

“What was your intention?”

“I just,” Laurent hesitates and then tightens his grip on Damen’s hand. “I wanted you to know about that. You’re not very subtle, I know you’ve been considering a greater level of commitment between us and I wanted to give you a chance to change your mind. If that’s something that would make you change your mind.”

“Laurent,” Damen says, opening his arms and feeling blessed when Laurent immediately folds himself into them. “You are the other half of my soul. The only thing that could stop me from wanting to marry you is if you did not want that yourself.”

“Oh,” Laurent says, into his collarbone. “What about your father?”

“He gave his blessing. So did Kastor. Now we just need to convince Makedon and your mother.”

He can feel Laurent smile. “Makedon will agree,” he says. “My mother will be difficult, but she wants me to be happy. I can convince her.”

And then Laurent looks up at him, smiling and it is impossible not to smile back.

The plan is to go to Sicyon to get Makedon and Henrietta’s blessing, and then Damen will get a ship to take him to Arles for Auguste and Jokaste’s wedding.

Laurent is lost in thought for a couple of days after the plan is made, and then he comes to Damen one night.

“I think,” Laurent says, “that I would like to come to Arles with you.”

“Okay,” Damen says. He hadn’t wanted to pressure Laurent to return to a country full of bad memories, but he is very glad that he won’t be alone there. “Makedon has shown interest in coming as well,” he tells him.

Laurent nods, “Well, someone will have to remind him what tact is.”

Realistically, Damen is a prince and doesn’t actually need his subject’s approval to marry, but Damen respects Makedon, and also when he was a child he once saw Makedon throw a spear to perfectly take down a boar from a great distance and that kind of awe-based fear hasn’t left him.

“Do you want me to come with you,” Kastor offers, wryly, “and hold your hand?”

Damen laughs and knocks shoulders with him. His relationship with Kastor has been repairing itself slowly, into something mutually caring and Damen is hopeful that it will continue for many years to come. He knows he will eventually thrive as a King if he is surrounded by the people he loves.

They take a longer route to Sicyon, so that Damen can show Laurent around and introduce him to some of the Kyros. It’ll be good to win their favour before the announcement of their engagement is made.

Laurent takes to politics like he was born for it - he’s polite and charming, and he treats everyone as if their opinions are important to him. Damen is awed by easy grace.

“What?” Laurent says, when he catches Damen staring at him.

“Nothing,” Damen says, and then amends, “Everytime I see a new side of you, I am overjoyed that there is something else about you to love. I can’t wait for the privilege of learning everything there is of you for the next few decades.”

Laurent goes wide-eyed and red cheeked at that. “I’d thank you not to say things like that where I cannot properly react,” Laurent says. And then he spends the rest of the evening running his hand up and down Damen’s thigh, under the table, as retribution.

Makedon and Henrietta are waiting outside their home when Laurent and Damen arrive, and Damen finally gets his first glimpse at Laurent’s mother.

Makedon greets Damen properly, but Henrietta doesn’t stop to kneel before she’s throwing her arms around Laurent and kissing his face with great affection. Honestly, Damen can’t blame her. He’d do the same if he were seperated from Laurent for so long.

“Mother,” Laurent says in Veretian, more affectionate than chastising. “Please let me introduce you to Damen.”

Henrietta pulls back from her son, to turn to Damen. She curtsies primly. “Your highness,” she says, in a distinctly Veretian way. She is tall for a woman and as golden and pale as Laurent. Even though she must be close to fifty, she is still radiantly beautiful and poised. Damen feels a spasm of excitement at the thought of getting to see Laurent age such as gracefully.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Henrietta,” Damen says, and he knows he’s grinning like an idiot but he can’t help it.

She looks a little taken back by his overt friendliness, and then she casts a glance at Laurent, who is watching Damen fondly. “Ah,” she says. “I see.” She doesn’t look pleased.

Laurent suddenly looking concerned. “Mother, let’s leave Makedon and Damianos to talk.”

She nods warily and lets Laurent lead her away.

“So,” Makedon says, clapping Damen on the back. “I think it’s time for a friendly duel.”

Makedon never refers to anything as friendly. Damen can’t help the way his heart rate speeds up as a danger response.

They go three bouts before Makedon lets Damen rest, and then they sit down silently for a long moment.

“I love that boy like he’s my own blood,” Makedon says, finally. “Veretians. Who would have fucking thought?”

Damen can’t help but laugh. “I know,” he says. “I wasn’t prepared for it either. Laurent is… truly exceptional.”

“I have an army,” Makedon says, casually.

“I won’t hurt him,” Damen says. “I want to spend the rest of my life making him smile.”

“Good man.” Makedon looks up to his home, where Laurent and his mother disappeared to. “They’re both very headstrong,” he says, “but I think they’ll have stopped arguing about you by now. Let’s go in and see what the consensus is.”

Henrietta seems to sway between pleased and upset during the entire evening, but she accepts their engagement. At dinner, Makedon calls for a round of griva to celebrate, and when Henrietta, Makedon, and Laurent all manage to knock back their cups without a grimace, Damen is pretty sure his heart stops a little. He’s going to be King one day, and yet he has the oddly distinct feeling that he’s the one who’s marrying above their station.

She catches Damen alone a couple of days later, when Laurent and Makedon have mysteriously vanished for the morning.

“Just because you are royalty,” she says, “doesn’t mean you intimidate me.”

They’re standing outside, by the stables. Damen knows he’ll get his first glimpse of Laurent returning from here, and he likes being outdoors. “I don’t want to intimidate you at all,” Damen replies, honestly.

Henrietta sighs. “Laurent trusts you,” she says, “and I know he has a hard time trusting. It took him years to warm up to Makedon. I used to despair that he’d set himself aside forever, always alone, and now I despair that you’re the one he’s chosen.”

“It displeases you that I am a prince?”

“Yes,” she says. “I’ve seen royal courts before. They are filled with deceit and jealousy and terrible things that I never wanted Laurent to be exposed to again. What will you do when your Kyros refuse to accept him? Or your father changes his mind? Or your alliance with Vere falls apart and your people hate him for who he is?”

Damen sighs. “I know it won’t be easy, but Laurent is worth the possibility of facing these things. I know we’ll face them together and we’ll overcome what we must.” Damen looks out to the distance, ever hopeful he will see a speck on the horizon that heralds Laurent’s return. “If I tell you that I’ll choose Laurent over my Kingdom, you won’t believe me - why should you? But for as long as Laurent wants me, I will be his. Like you said, he trusts me. That’s enough.”

Henrietta looks away. “He is my truest love,” she says. “Take care of him.”

Eight

The journey to Arles is uneventful, and Laurent is grateful for that. He doesn’t know what he’s doing exactly, deciding to go back. Part of him is certain that no one will recognise him. The other part of him, the more realistic part, has packed a scarf that Aleta taught him to wrap around his head in the Patran style - which will be enough to cover his hair, at least. His golden hair is long enough to touch the small of his back now, he’s been growing it ever since he heard of Auguste shaving his own head. When they arrive in Arles, Laurent allows his horse to fall back a little, enough that he won’t draw anyone’s attention, and he drops his head and stands shyly behind Makedon.

Makedon gives him a curious look but allows it, and Damen, who is beautiful, sweet and dearly beloved, draws no attention to it, even though Laurent knows he’s noticed.

His heart speeds up when men arrive to meet them, but Auguste is not among them. He sends his apologies, but he’s been caught up in something. They’re led to their rooms. Damen, as the only visiting royalty there for the wedding, is given what was Auguste’s old room. On the way, they pass where Laurent’s old chambers had been, except they’ve been rebuilt since the fire his mother set and are no longer bed quarters.

“It’s a library,” Laurent says, in confusion.

“Yes,” Damen gives him an odd look. “You’ve seen those before.”

They have barely had long enough to get settled, when there’s a knock at the door, and two women are being let into the room.

One of them is a mousy looking woman that Laurent has never seen before, and the other is unmistakably Jokaste.

“Damianos!” she says, smiling. “Finally.”

She is stunning, Laurent thinks. Her blonde hair is a little darker than his, and styled elegantly atop her head. Her dress looks to be an odd mix between Veretian and Akielon, definitely custom made and it suits her perfectly. Laurent feels an odd stab of envy, at the seamless way she appears to have slipped into her life as someone not quite Akielon and not quite Veretian.

Damen stands and grins at her, when she kisses his cheek and beams at him.

“Jokaste,” he says, “You are as lovely as I remember. I’d like you to meet Laurent, Makedon’s son.”

Jokaste turns to him. “Oh yes,” she says, “I’ve heard rumours about your lover even in Arles. Hello, Laurent.”

Then she gets a good look at him and takes a step back. “Ah,” she says, and then she’s frowning. “You have an aristocratic nose,” she says. “Almost like royalty.”

“So I’m told,” Laurent says.

“Who’s your friend?” Damen asks, gesturing to the mousy woman who is standing in the corner, ignoring them.

“My escort,” she replies, but she’s still looking at Laurent. “The fear of bastards is still alive and well in Vere, despite King Auguste’s efforts to change that. Have you been to Arles before, Laurent? You are Veretian, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Yes,” Laurent says. “I was here as a child. I don’t remember much.”

“I’ll have to introduce you to Auguste then,” she says. “Perhaps he can jog your memory.”

“Perhaps,” Laurent says.

“I’ve heard rumours that you have lovely hair. Why the scarf?”

Damen is watching them a little like how one watches a sports match that they haven’t figured out the rules of.

“You don’t need to see my hair, do you?” Laurent says.

“I suppose not,” she says. She considers Laurent for a long moment before she says, very delicately. “I’ll introduce you to Auguste in two days. If you don’t find a chance to do it before then.”

“Thank you,” Laurent replies, just as precisely.

“Well,” Jokaste says. “I better go. Weddings take a lot of time. I’m sure you two will find that out for yourselves soon. It’s wonderful to see you again, Damen. And to meet you, Laurent.”

“Goodbye?” Damen says, watching her sweep out the door as quickly as she’d come in.

“That was odd, wasn’t it?” Damen asks, when she’s gone.

“Was it?” Laurent replies, “I didn’t notice.”

Obviously, Laurent has underestimated his resemblance to his brother, but he’s not sure if that will be noticed by anyone but Jokaste, who seems sharper than most people. Regardless, she’s given Laurent two days to go to Auguste, and that means he has to decide his approach.

He spends the first day in the shadows. He’s been long gone from the palace, but he remembers the hidden nooks and barely used passageways as if he never left. He overhears enough conversations to learn that the people seem generally pleased with Auguste’s rule - he appears to be just a fair and intelligent as Laurent has always known him to be.

Laurent begs off of the lunch that Damen goes to, and takes that time to sit on their bed, and leaf through the only book he brought with him. The Veretian fairytales look a little worse for wear, due to the book’s age and how often he’s gone through it, but it’s still beautiful and the only thing he has from his life as a prince.

To be perfectly honest, Laurent is terrified. He knows that it’s time to reveal himself to Auguste, past time really, and Laurent is filled with the boyish hope the Auguste will recognise him instantly and take him into his arms like when he was a child and maybe they can both finally heal the last of their wounds together.

But he’s also afraid. Just because Jokaste has seen the resemblance, doesn’t mean Auguste will, or that he’ll believe Laurent. The only thing he doesn’t fear is Damen finding out. His lover has proven thoughtful and resilient to every personal truth that Laurent has thrown him, and at least that is something Laurent can be secure in. Being a Prince is hardly the worst fact about Laurent.

Damen ducks his head into the room after lunch. He doesn’t suspect who Laurent is, but he’s a perceptive man and he knows there’s something odd about Laurent being here in Arles.

“Auguste is having an audience with his people,” Damen says. “There’s a balcony that we can watch at from above, and I don’t think anyone will notice us. If you want.”

Laurent smiles, snapping the book shut and getting up to follow him.

He knows exactly the place that Damen means, because it’s where he used to watch his father rule as a child. The balconies area is built for members of royalty and nobility to come and go as they please, without drawing attention to themselves. Damen has access because he is a Prince and he brings Laurent with him.

This is where Laurent gets to finally get his first glimpse of Auguste, fully grown into his place as a king.

“He’s wearing black,” Laurent says, frowning.

“Yes,” Damen agrees. “From what I’ve heard, he’s kept his hair short and his clothing black since the death of his family. Six years of mourning, it hardly bears thinking about.”

Laurent is silently then, looking down at his brother. Auguste is handsome in the way all golden Prince’s should be, even with his closely shorn hair and the severity of his jacket. Beside him, sits Jokaste, resplendent in a light blue gown. They suit each other, side by side, a fairytale image of royalty.

Laurent finds himself clutching at Damen’s arm.

“Laurent?” Damen murmurs, concerned.

Laurent shakes his head. For the first time in years, Laurent allows himself to think of his uncle. His uncle who, according to Damen, is a danger to Auguste’s throne. If the man wants to overthrow Auguste, then surely he sees the danger that is this wedding. It won’t be long before Jokaste starts giving birth to heirs and Regnier will fall further from the line.

Perhaps Jokaste thinks she has these things in hand, but she has been fighting against Laurent’s uncle for the last six years without triumph. Laurent cannot reveal himself to Auguste, not yet, when Auguste still isn’t safe. He cannot risk it until their uncle is out of the picture for good.

“Damen,” Laurent says, quietly. “Do you know if the King’s uncle is here for the wedding?”

“He is,” Damen says, cautiously.

Laurent nods, because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to speak. He can hear blood rushing in his ears, and he feels suddenly cold. He knows what he has to do. Laurent is going to murder his uncle.

Nine.

While Damen is off at dinner with Auguste, Laurent sits in their rooms and thinks. His uncle is too intelligent to ever be outwardly caught at wrong-doing, and thus he cannot be punished or brought to justice. Auguste, who is loving to a fault, mustn’t be willing to take out their uncle without proof and perhaps part of him is reluctant to kill what he thinks is his last family member.

Jokaste, in her part as the future queen, is unable to directly make a move without threatening her position in court. There is no one but Laurent who is sure enough and willing enough to kill his uncle and thus the tasks falls to him. He will not leave Auguste behind, defenseless, again.

Laurent tucks a knife into his sleeve, and then takes it back out. He needs to do this tonight, he thinks, while he’s still certain that it’s the right course of action. Before he can see Damen again or Makedon and rue the fact that he probably won’t get away with this. If his uncle’s guards get to him, and kill him, he hopes Jokaste will be wise enough to let his true identity go unnoticed.

Laurent takes a deep breath. He knows where his uncle’s rooms are - as much as he wishes he didn’t - and hopes that they haven’t moved. He unwraps his hair from the headscarf slowly, and then undoes his braid.

Laurent takes off his jacket, so that he is only in his flowing white undershirt and trousers, and then, after some consideration, takes off his boots as well. Barefoot and with his hair obscuring his face, he looks vulnerable. Not young enough to be of his Uncle’s tastes, but hopefully whoever is guarding his Uncle’s room won’t be aware of that. If Laurent crosses his arms, he can obscure the knife in his sleeve.

Laurent looks at himself in the mirror for a very long moment and then he leaves.

“Who are you?” The guard asks, leaning lazily against the door of his uncle’s rooms and looking nothing at all how a royal guard should.

“I was told,” Laurent says, quietly, shyly, “to come here.”

“I think you’re early, kid.”

Dinner mustn’t be finished yet. “I can wait,” Laurent says.

“Sure,” The guard shrugs. “Go ahead.”

If Laurent survives this, he’s going to get this guard fired, he thinks. Then the door is opening and Laurent and stepping into the room, and, ah.

So, that’s why the guard didn’t seem bothered.

In the room, as expected, is Laurent’s uncle, looking perhaps a little older, but still every inch the man Laurent remembers from the worst of his nightmares.

Sitting across from him, on a seperate couch, is Damen and Makedon.

Well, fuck.

The three men all look up at Laurent, and Laurent can see that shock of recognition that crosses his uncle’s features.

Laurent doesn’t know what his own expression is doing, but Damen is already stepping towards him with concern. “What’s wrong?”

Laurent shakes his head. “I didn’t realise you’d be here,” he says, honestly. “I’m sorry.” He can’t let this change anything. He moves towards his uncle, and away from Damen. This is the only time that he’ll have the element of surprise on his side. If he lives now or hesitates, his uncle will only have time to plot against him.

“Ah,” Uncle says, and he must know that Laurent is here to kill him, that no-one here is likely to help him, because when backed against a wall, his uncle will always try to shock people into stopping. His uncle looks at Laurent, looking vulnerable and hateful, and thinks he is too damaged, too ashamed to have told anyone about his childhood.

And so “Ah,” Uncle says. “If it isn’t my former bed boy.”

If Damen attacks his uncle, it will be catastrophic to the alliance. His uncle knows that Laurent cannot risk that, and so he forces Laurent to protect him. Damen moves towards his uncle and Laurent gets in front, drops his knife so that he can grab Damen’s arms and push him back.

“No,” Laurent says, “Damen, no.”

Damen moves to push past Laurent and then suddenly he stops.

Then there is a cut-off grunt of pain and Laurent turns to see Makedon, holding Laurent’s discarded knife, and his uncle clutching fruitlessly at the open wound in his neck. Makedon hit an artery, Laurent thinks distantly, judging by the way his uncle’s blood spurts before he is slumped over in death.

His uncle hadn’t known that Laurent was alive, and thus he couldn’t have known what Makedon - famous for hating Veretians - would do upon hearing his uncle speak of Laurent’s past like that. To be fair, it hadn’t even occurred to Laurent that he’d have to stop Makedon from lashing out.

“You killed him.” Laurent’s voice is choked.

“Yes,” Makedon says, calmly. There’s blood on his face and neck. He must have gotten caught in the spray.

“Good,” Damen says vehemently. He tries to turn Laurent away from the scene, but Laurent resists.

“No,” Laurent says. “This is - the alliance- Auguste cannot let something like this…” He’s having trouble breathing. The death of his uncle pales in comparison to the fact that Makedon cannot get away with this. Auguste will be forced to charge him. He’ll be executed.

“Give me the knife,” Laurent says. He holds out a hand. “I’ll say I did it, I’m Veretian - it’s what I came to do anyway.”

“No,” Makedon says. He wipes the blade on his chiton with the casualness of a man who has killed many times.

“Makedon.” Laurent wants to stomp his foot like a child in the face of Makedon’s idiotic stubbornness.

The night has to get worse though, of course it does. Before Laurent can reason with Makedon, the door opens and in steps, Auguste.

“Excuse my lateness,” Auguste says, closing the door behind him. Then he looks up and freezes at the sight of their uncle, gruesome in death. Auguste puts a hand to his sword and opens his mouth to call for the guard outside, and Laurent jumps forward.

“Auguste wait,” he says, desperately. This time, when Auguste freezes, it lasts for much longer.

“There’s an-” Damen begins, but Laurent cuts him off.

“Quiet, Damen,” he says. He takes a step towards his brother, slowly. “Auguste, I can explain.”

Auguste is blinking rapidly, his expression crumbling into a mixture of confusion and despair. “Laurent,” Auguste whispers his name like a prayer.

“I’m sorry,” Laurent says. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to leave, but we had no choice.”

“Laurent,” Auguste says. “You’re alive.”

“I still have the book you gave me,” he tells him, desperately. “The fairytale one.”

“Laurent,” Auguste says, and then his legs seem to give up and Laurent has to dive forward to catch his brother, and they both fall to their knees together. “How are you alive?”

They’re both clutching at each other, kneeling. “I’m not a bastard,” Laurent tells him, “Mother would never - uncle sent that man that she killed in her rooms, but she knew what the rumours would do, she knew I wasn’t safe if people thought I was- I wanted to come back but we couldn’t- I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Laurent buries his head against Auguste’s shoulder, and Auguste clutches him with all the strength that Laurent remembers. He knows his tears are going to ruin his brother’s jacket, but he’s so damn relieved to be recognised and with him that he can’t find it in himself to care.

“Well,” Laurent hears Makedon say from somewhere behind him. “Fuck.”

Ten.

Sometime later, when the two Veretian prince’s have gotten something of a hold of themselves, Jokaste sweeps into the room. Damen watches her take in the scene - from Regnier, dead and bloodied on the couch, to Laurent and Auguste, holding each other on the floor, and then Makedon and Damen himself, standing awkwardly.

“Hmm,” she murmurs, closing the door behind her. “And here I had the poison all ready to go tomorrow. Admittedly, that wouldn’t have been quite as dramatic as this.”

Auguste looks up at the sound of her voice and seems to sway slightly in her direction. Even stupefied by discovering his long-dead brother, Auguste looks at her like a man in love. “Jo,” he says, and then by way of useless explanation, “Laurent.”

“Yes,” Jokaste says. “I saw him yesterday. You have the same nose.”

Auguste makes a betrayed noise, and Laurent speaks up from his shoulder. “She gave me to days to reveal myself to you, before she did.”

“Oh,” Auguste says.

“He’s to be my brother in law,” Jokaste explains. “I wanted him to like me.”

Damen sits down on the couch - the one Regnier didn’t bleed out on. He’s not sure he’s capable of actual words yet.

“What do we do?” Auguste asks his fiancee.

Jokaste sighs, and holds a hand out to Makedon. “Give me the knife.”

Laurent frowns when Makedon does.

“We can deal with the Laurent situation later,” Jokaste says, roughly pulling her hair half undone. “First we have to get away with murder.”

She grabs the hem of her dress and rips it violently. “Makedon, stand there,” she points next to Regnier, “that’ll explain away the blood. Damen, stand up. Laurent, Auguste, you too.”

They all do as there told. “Now then,” she says. “Regnier went mad with anger at getting further from the throne. He attacked me. You all witnessed it, and I had to kill him in defense of myself.” She turns to Auguste, “I’m suddenly very pleased with Veretian fashion, for making the neckline of my wedding dress so high.”

And then she drags the knife down her chest, blood welling, before Auguste can stop her. “Jokaste!” Auguste says, horrified.

“It won’t scar,” she says, scoffing. “Alright, everyone look suitably shocked and upset.”

Damen thought wistfully of Akielos, where trickery like this wasn’t necessary. Then Jokaste was screaming and guards were pouring into the room and Damen resigned himself to being very tired tomorrow.

“Well, that was something,” Laurent says, the next morning over breakfast.

Damen laughs, because he’s not really sure what else to do at this point.

“So mother is married to Makedon,” Auguste clarifies.

“Yes,” Laurent says. “She didn’t marry him until Father died. But then, she used a fake name, so I’m not sure where the marriage lies with legality.”

“Henrietta,” Makedon says, grabbing an apple. “What’s her real name?”

“Hennike,” Laurent and Auguste both say, in the same tone of voice.

“How didn’t I see this?” Damen asks Jokaste, and she pats his arm consolingly, as if he is a particularly slow child.

“You’re so tall,” Auguste says, grinning at Laurent, “but you’re still-”

“Shorter than you, yes, I know,” Laurent smiles. “We’ll see how smug you are when you see how fast my newest pony is.”

The brothers laugh together.

“I took war advice from an enemy Prince,” Damen says. “Before Marlas.”

Laurent grins. “It was good advice.”

“It was,” Damen agrees.

“I hope your wedding is a lot less dramatic,” Jokaste says, “or my heart won’t be able to take it.”

“It’ll be in Akielos,” Damen says. “Of course it will be less dramatic.”

Laurent keeps smiling. Damen thinks, he can come to terms with any surprises if Laurent keeps smiling like that, like the world is good and he is truly happy.

“What do we do now?” Auguste says, suddenly. “How do we explain Laurent to the people?”

“We don’t,” Laurent says, and Jokaste nods in agreement.

“But you’re a prince,” Auguste says.

“I’m marrying Damianos,” Laurent says. “I’ll still be royalty. And I’ll have plenty of reasons to come see you. I don’t care what the Kingdom thinks of me.”

Auguste nods. “If you’re sure,” he says, with the voice of a man that would do anything to please his brother.

“As long as you know who I am,” Laurent says.

“We should go south,” Jokaste says, “after the wedding, to take a break from court and get used to being married.”

“Yes,” Auguste says.

Jokaste looks to Makedon. “What do you think the weather Aquitart is like, this time of year?”

“Ha,” Makedon says. “Warm.”

“Wonderful. You should bring your wife.”

“Makedon,” Laurent says, “This makes you Auguste’s stepfather as well.”

While everyone is distracted by this train of thought, Laurent turns to Damen and leans into him gently. “Is this okay?” he asks, softly.

Damen grins at his lover, who is beautiful and brave and possibly the best man that he has ever met. “Yes,” Damen says. “Are you okay?”

And Laurent, Laurent’s smile is warm like the sunrise, and sweet like honey. “Never better.”

#captive prince #writing #lol i accidentally posted this from my main first try #rip me #anyway #sorry if bits of this are crap i uh wrote it so fast i dont actually remember a lot of it???#enjoy #the hennike lives au #long post #sorry to people on mobile

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warmbeebosoftbeebo · 6 years

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Hey, I’m the anon that asked panicsinning about the daddy thing. I’m seeing it in a significant portion of the fics I try to read at the minute (not just Brendon fics, but I seem to find more of them with him!) and I’m not into it at all. It kinda sucks. There are so many other ways to write a dominant Brendon, if that’s what people want, but as soon as I see the daddy thing I gotta close the tab like no thank u. And especially if he’s said it makes him uncomfortable

i think we’re dealing with the fall out of a generation of 90s and 2000s people raised on internet porn. i’ve noticed–this is evident on wattpad n tumblr especially–that a lot of smut is written by junior high n high school girls too, whose go to source is other smut fics by youn’uns n internet porn. like you could see that at work too on aooo n livejournal, but that stuff tended to be more grounded in real life experience/realistic n the writers skewed older–late teens n 20s on those–recorded porn was also less…fucked up in the 90s-early 00s n things that are mainstream now used to be fringe n avoidable. another thing i’ve noticed in fics: lack of solidarity with other women and girls–a lot of monstering of other females, who are usually portrayed as “whores” (this has a long history though–i remember the good girl/bad girl dichotomy in a lot of romance novels, vc andrews books, etc–tv shows n movies based around conflict between girls, the idea that women and girls are crueler to girls than boys are when the reverse is true, women getting angry at the “other woman” and not their dickhead men)

(trigger warning for me ranting about the content of pornography, the sexual status quo, etc)

i watched straight porn from about 8-12 from 95-99 and i don’t remember ever seeing pia for example. porn is now absolutely obsessed with men anally penetrating women with their dicks (if you are on a porn site, you will quickly see it guaranfuckingteed), particularly the damage that can result from it (eg “gaping,” women saying they can’t handle it *on camera* and the scene still continuing, “she’ll need an ambulance when we’re done with her”). there wasn’t much “deep throat”/”throat fucking” fellatio (i hate those terms–we are looking at throat rape) either, but now porn is obsessed with that too. it also used to be more about showing at least the performance of female pleasure and orgasm (usually faked of course) but now that is largely irrelevant and clear indications of pain are not only kept in, but intentionally there. piv that’s not a cervix bashing is hard to find, scenes without piv even harder (and they’re usually brief clips), and “sex” for men generally and pornographers in particular starts at piv–like if there isn’t at least “regular fucking” it doesn’t even register as sexual and worth watching to most.

“vanilla porn” has a lot of bdsm themes in it as discussed above as well as slapping, spitting, ejaculating on women’s faces, misogynist namecalling, “ass to mouth” and the hetero bdsm porn online is absolutely–we’re talking witch hunt and slavery levels of torture. in both, women are punished for the crime of being born female. based in aggrieved male entitlement–like men are punishing women for having any boundaries, desires of their own, telling them no outright or no to certain sex acts. any sexuality in women reduced to “fuck hole” (or a dewey eyed bisexual–tropes around female-female sexuality in porn are more varied i will admit but ultimately about viewer, typically male, titillation. femdom is also usually paid for by the man, and all about what he wants, and most of the domination and pain is both mild in comparison to what women are put through and based in feminizing him–comparing him to a woman, calling him gay, saying he has a small “ineffective” dick, calling his anus a pussy, etc. women are also often in absolutely ridiculous uncomfortable outfits n shoes.). a lot of humiliation, dom/sub–it’s really difficult for me to watch but it’s like men are in a contest with each other, expressing sexuality together, with women as the targets–seeing who can humiliate and hurt women the most–make her wish she’d never been born. man=sadist, and female=hole. (and a lot of the women making porn play that same game too.)

under this, girls are developing their sexuality, with the above porn online, and either just a general lack of information from school and parents, or a specifically religious tinge to discussions of sexuality as being sinful, shameful in women (and gay/bi men). sex=piv=sex, and pia is 5th base and you shouldn’t have hang ups about fucking bc it’s what girls and women are made for and like. things that women can do together don’t get transferred to sex with men at all, or at best MAY make it in as foreplay–sex is pole in hole, silly ho–not rubbing off on him (esp if you want to rub on a part or in a position that makes him feel like a girl), or getting oral, or masturbating in front of him, or him using his hand on you, or using toys together… women and girls are the gatekeepers for male sexuality and responsible for men’s actions and either natural saints or whores who need to either save men from the bad women (who deserve what men do to them, regardless of how cruel or sadistic or destructive–she wanted it if it happened at all–made him do it) or embrace their roles as cumsluts (liberated sexuality is doing what the pornographers tell you to, you go girl and suck that cock and have piv while you have few if any orgasms, don’t even feel that turned on and comfortable, and just put on a good show! lol don’t you know that focusing on yr clit n vulva is for masturbation and girl-girl action, if you focus on that silly part at all. or just rub your clit while he’s using whichever of your holes he wants–the sex positive solution. or spend years thinking you’re broken, to find out not orgasming during piv is normal, and just continue having it n taking hormonal birth control n praying for your period to arrive on time.)

there is a lot telling women and girls to find dangerous, possessive, sadistic, controlling, etc men sexy, and obviously this works–increasingly women are consuming porn, the success of the twilight novels, 50 shades of abusive gaslighting n pitying the poor poor dude who is just a hurt puppy (who can fucking kill you), advising already traumatized women to “work through their trauma” with a male sadist/top, telling women and girls that “daddy kink” is hot as fuck (ignore the fact that father-daughter incest is probably statistically the most traumatic form of child sexual abuse there is n hide it behind “it’s just a bit of kinky fun n letting him feel like a real man n letting you surrender to yourself n letting him take care of you” gaslighting), the whole mess of “sex positive feminism” (this is not what anne koedt, shere hite, audre lorde, etc were talking about folks) and repainting feminism (the fight for women’s liberation from patriarchy and the end of male violence) as about consumerist choices (particularly around conforming to beauty standards, partaking in prostitution industries) and saying women are not a class and women aren’t oppressed because of male desire to control our sexuality and reproduction but because we have inner feminine souls/brains and if you’re not a walking stereotype n don’t feel like one you’re not really female n sex is a free for all n not political at all (except for slutshaming bc women often are what men call us n shouldn’t be shamed for it–we should embrace it as empowerment) n trust women unless they say something you don’t agree with then they are monsters who kill with their words unlike men (even the ones who do kill) who aren’t why we feel unsafe (those bad women over there made them do it n besides, women are worse than men)…

holy fuck this is quite the rant! i need to get back to writing the smutty times with beebs ;)

tl;dr this environment is ripe for girls finding “daddy kink” sexy because it encapsulates more explicitly what flows through our everyday sexual lives, media, etc. already. like the question shouldn’t be “why are some into daddy kink” but “why is there an intense focus on dom/sub, top/bottom, adult/child, male/female, penetrator/penetrated… dichotomies and roles in the first place?” or “how could so many *not* be drawn to it?” i remember reading explicit romance novels and this dom/sub, piv-oriented, etc relation was as common as air in them (they were generally way worse than graphic western novels n even worse than a lot of recorded porn back then), even the ones where the women were into equality outside of the bedroom. you can also see this in gay porn, where there is also this focus on pia and top/bottom roles, changing the way gay men have sex outside of porn too–like older gay/bi men see pia and roles attached to it as far less pivotal in their understanding and experience of sex than young gay/bi men do. (jesus christ gal get back on topic…)

daddy/little (or kitten or princess or slut or…) confirms the way things should be: male control, authority, female deference, submission, etc. independence in women is punished. female desire for sexual pleasure and affection is denigrated. the amount of fics where women are punished or shamed for masturbating in front of him or on her own or rubbing herself on him by the daddy/dom! i can’t even… told not to, called bad for doing it…had their hand slapped away…physically punished for doing it. it’s seen as a distraction from the man’s Very Important Stuff at best, whether that stuff is nonsexual or what he wants to do to her sexually. sexuality is presented as a punishment for women (not so far from god’s condemnation of eve are we?), but something we desire simultaneously. like we should be punished for wanting, as if our wanting men or a man means we should be hurt by him/them. spanking is a humiliation and pain ritual a la abusive fathers with belts/forceful hands/tree branches/whips through the patriarchal ages, creating welts and tears and humiliation. females are *done to* and males *do*. even sucking dick becomes something men do to women by pushing her head down, pushing into her throat, etc as tears well up. outside of fic, women take painkillers and use numbing gels to endure it. the sexiest women are like little girls, and the sexiest men are controlling fathers. men *have to* hurt us, to let us know what we did wrong, so we can try to behave better next time. women need someone telling them what to do, when to do it, how to do it. telling us and showing us what we are for. men need to feel like real men, and women like real women–nothing is worse than an uppity woman making a man feel like a he’s not an avatar of masculinity, or however he sees himself–quit trying to emasculate men, unless they are into forced feminization of course n are paying for you to do what they want you to, are topping from the bottom. never challenge male self-image, especially in sex. know your place, and tell yourself you are precious, and cared for, and pampered by a benevolent master. daddy kink is the sexiest sex to ever sex, n vanilla is just so boring… why settle for lights out missionary piv when you can be choked n slapped n entered anally? those are your two choices. you’re not a prude are you? quit being so sex negative. quit policing these wild sexy desires in people. quit erasing and killing us with anything you might think or say to contradict this.

we live in a world where men get away with murdering women based on “rough sex gone wrong” defenses, even to the point where people think it reasonable that a native woman in prostitution bled to death after “consensual” piv with a john (when he likely sliced open the inside of her vagina with a knife based on the extent of her injury, let alone the belief that lethal injury can be consented to period let alone within prostitution), athletes are acquitted of rape when they gang rape a woman into several hours of bleeding from a vaginal injury (and she named it rape from the get go, the men were bragging and trying to get her to keep quiet), wives are murdered by boyfriends in “50 shades games gone wrong” that *she* wanted (considering she is the dead one not him...), people think *unconscious* women and girls are “consenting” whether strangled into unconsciousness or drugged or sleeping..., and another woman was literally choked to death during throat rape by the man she loved (the focus in that courtroom and the media? His allegedly big dick--how could he have helped himself, not killed her, with such a big cock? Injuring women with big dicks is so entertaining n humourous!). A male sadist is more likely to kill you than give you an amazing time in bed. More likely to claim it’s all fun n games when numerous women accuse him of sexual, physical and psychological abuse than actually help those or any other women have a good time in bed.

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spectrumscribe · 7 years

Text

a solo act is good, too.

a Humanverse general TMNT universe fic, mostly using 2012 versions and borrowing from IDW here and there. i’ve always headcanoned 2012 Mikey as an aro/ace, so on the free day of the lgbtmntweek i decided to finally write a fic up for the hc.

(not @ them bc of a slight NSFW situation involved. nothing graphic, it barely lasts more than five sentences.)

“So Mikey, when’d you and Angel start dating?”

Mikey, age nine and a half, hits pause on his current model building project to give a blank stare to his friend across the table. Mondo keeps staring back, expectant.

“What??” Mikey asks.

“Everyone’s saying you’re girlfriend and boyfriend!” Mondo exclaims. He shoves aside his own Lego to lean forwards, whispering fervently, “You know girls have cooties, right?”

“Uh, yeah? Duh,” Mikey says, then remembers that his cousin Karai and friend April will beat him up for saying that, and diverts the subject. “But we’re not dating! Angel just likes Bionicle, that’s all. She’s fun, and we live really close.”

“Girls don’t like Bionicle,” Mondo says. “My sister hates it. She’s gotta be faking it so you guys can date.”

Mikey feels confused. He thought they were just friends who liked the same toys and TV show. And Angel never said so, so they aren’t dating. “But we’re not-!”

“You totally are!”

“Are not!”

“Are too!”

“Boys, settle down,” A passing TA says, and both boys quiet down.

There’s a moment of silence, and Mondo whispers, “Totally dating.”

And Mikey sticks out his tongue, not listening to another word his friend says all through free time. He’ll just ask Angel later, when they walk home from school together.

“My friends were saying the same thing, actually,” Angel says later, when they’re weaving through the streets back to their shared neighborhood.

Mikey scrunches his nose. “What? Why?”

Angel shrugs, reaching up and twisting one of her long dark strands around her finger. “They said we hang out a lot, so we gotta be dating.”

“That’s dumb. Donnie and April hang out a lot and they’re not dating.”

“I said that too, but everyone else thinks they’re dating anyways.”

Mikey groans. “So dumb.”

Angel shrugs again. “It’s not super dumb. I think dating sounds kinda fun.”

“Ew, no.”

“What, you wouldn’t date me?”

“You’re my friend.”

“So?”

“Friends don’t date, they do- friend stuff!”

“My big brother says that dating starts with friendship, though.”

Mikey thinks about that for a moment. “Really? People on TV just kiss a bunch, though.”

“Keno doesn’t kiss his girlfriend too much, they mostly just sit around and talk a lot,” Angel explains. “Or play music in his room, sometimes. So kinda what we do, but I guess big kid stuff instead.”

“So… are we dating, then?” Mikey asks tentatively.

Angel looks at him, contemplative as she examines Mikey’s baggy orange shirt, his cargo shorts, and wildly tangled brown hair. “Maybe? Do you wanna be dating?”

“Uh, we’d still do friend stuff, right?” Mikey doesn’t think kissing part sounds too bad. But only if it’s in little amounts.

“Well duh, we gotta finish Bionicle, right?”

“Oh totally.”

They keep walking for a minute, and Mikey remembers something that people who date are supposed to do. “I think we hold hands now.”

“Oh, right.”

Angel sticks out her hand, and Mikey takes it. They keep walking, go to his house where his brothers are already hanging around in, and they watch Bionicle season 2’s fifth episode together.

They end up kissing possibly three times over the course of the rest of the week, barely pecks on the lips, before Angel says they should probably break up.

“There’s no spark,” She says very seriously. “It’s not you, Mikey, it’s the spark.”

Mikey is hurt for about two seconds, and then shrugs. He’d only really been doing it because people said he’s supposed to. “Okay. You still wanna sleep over?”

It makes a lot more sense, around fourteen, why Angel hadn’t felt any spark for the brief relationship or Mikey. Mostly having to do with her dyeing her hair purple, getting a pink shaded button for her bag, and going steady with Alopex from her apartment building. Mikey isn’t really surprised- Karai had had the same kind of look Angel grew into at the exact same age, and his cousin had been dating girls since she figured out how to bleach her hair.

Mikey, by fourteen, has had exactly one relationship, three first kisses, and lacks motivation to seek out another situation to build those counts. He’s moved on from his Bioncle years- though he keeps some toys, for the sake of nostalgia- and dived headfirst into the Marvel comic’s universe.

The school library has an excellent selection, and at the beginning of his fourteenth year he meets a girl buried up to her ears in that section. Renet and Mikey hit it off immediately, swapping knowledge and recommendations and favorites and strong opinions about individual universes.

“Who’s your friend?” Leo asks after one evening, when Mikey had spent about an hour and a half debating heatedly on the phone. Guardians of the Galaxy verses the Avengers- who did more on the grand scale of things for the earth and its wellbeing? Mikey voted the Guardians, but Renet had fought back valiantly that ground troops frequently made more differences than long-range artillery support.

“Renet! She just moved here like, three weeks ago or something,” Mikey says, hanging up the phone. The debate would have to be continued at school, next lunchtime. He turns to his sixteen year old brother, grinning. “Can she come over for dinner sometime? You guys’ll love her, I swear.”

“Her?” Raph asks loudly from the living room. “Holy shit, did you finally get a girlfriend?”

Mikey frowns. “Uh. No? She’s just my comics buddy.”

“Who you’re inviting for dinner,” Leo says pointedly. “Who you just spent like, two whole hours talking to, instead of texting.”

“Hey Donnie, Mike’s finally got a crush on someone!” Raph hollers. Crashing follows and Donnie skids down the steps of their second story in all his fifteen year old lanky glory. He nearly wipes out on the pile of laundry by the steps.

“Did we get blackmail yet?” Donnie asks immediately, hardly taking the time to steady himself.

“Working on it,” Leo replies.

Mikey slaps his hands over his eyes, groaning. “Guyyys! Shut up! That’s not how this is! She’s just- really cool, okay? And knows about superhero shit!”

He hears his older brothers make disbelieving sounds, and Mikey ignores them all. Maybe he deserves a little teasing- he’d done so to all of them about their crushes- but it’s! Not! Like that!

And then the first school dance of the year rolls around, and Mikey is faced yet again by social pressure to be dating someone. He has limited options for a dance date: his cousin, who scares everyone and is probably too busy to come. His best friend, who has two dates already (Mikey doesn’t know how Mondo managed that or how he’s going to keep that a secret from both dates, but he promises his friend the funeral will be a nice one). His other best friend, but LH is twenty-something and would really scare everybody, even though he’s just a big softie who likes leather too much. None of those dates are acceptable, in hindsight.

Or there’s Renet.

Mikey wants to go to the dance, because dancing is great and he loves social events in general, so he agonizes a bit and finally asks Renet to go with him.

She turns bright pink when he does, and fumbles her hold on issue four of Wolverine and the X-men. “O-oh, Mikey. I didn’t know you, um, felt that way about me?”

Mikey rushes to abolish that idea. “No! I mean- I like you, but not like that! It’s just a stupid dance, okay? I just want to dress up nice and go dancing, I swear.”

Renet sighs in relief. “Okay, good. I’m not really supposed to date until I’m older anyways. I’m glad we don’t have to have such a totally uncomfortable convo.”

Mikey slumps in his chair, huffing. “You and me both. So will you?”

“Be your date?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure! I love dances, they’re totally bodacious,” Renet giggles, and Mikey grins in return. His friend’s outdated slang has to be one of his favorite things about her. He kind of wonders why isn’t crushing on her- Renet is curvy and cute and knows a ton about comics- but she’s just his friend.

Mikey puts that thought aside, and asks Renet what the hell a corsage is.

When the night rolls around, she shows up in a dress and hijab that’s color coordinated and he puts on actual dress pants for once. He wears his favorite flannel and a bowtie borrowed off Donnie- and grins and bears it as his father, brothers, and their friends all snap pictures of him and Renet.

“You two are so cute,” April comments, taking a picture as Mikey sticks his tongue out at her.

“I hate all of you,” He grouches, but smiles again so Renet’s parents will have good photos. At least he gets to have revenge, snatching up a camera and getting all the angles possible of Leo, Donnie, April, Casey, and Raph in their outfits. The five of them are going stag together- for reasons Mikey is Highly Suspicious of, regarding Donnie, Casey, April, and Leo in particular- and he’s only a little mad they didn’t tell him going stag was an option.

The dance itself goes great- good music, good mood, mediocre refreshments and minimal buzzkill from teachers supervising. Mikey sees and meets his family throughout the evening, throwing down on the dancefloor with Renet and their classmates. He sees Leo making his Nervous But Trying Not To Be face as he talks to a couple of his classmates, mostly towards one Asian guy with dyed white hair. Mikey also sees Raph drifting from the group with his friends and twin, towards the punch table and snacks, which leaves Donnie, Casey, and April shimmying in a circle and looking really awkward, and why can’t they just figure themselves out already, jeeze.

Mikey focuses mostly on twirling Renet around, and having fun with that. Mondo, who is soaked in punch from his dates dumping him and going off together, gives Mikey meaningful looks directed towards Renet.

Mikey ignores his friend and highly awkward family members, and just enjoys dancing with his comics buddy. Renet, at the end of the night, is flushed and grinning and Mikey really does wonder why he doesn’t feel the need to kiss her. She is awfully cute.

When the drop her off at home, all they say to each other is a reminder that comic swap is this Thursday and to remember to bring the ones they’d borrow from one another. And then Renet leaves, shutting the door and shutting Mikey inside a van with his stupid nosy family.

“So,” Leo says, and Mikey doesn’t have to look towards the driver seat to hear that grin.

“You two crazy kids kiss tonight?” Casey finishes, poking the back of Mikey’s head. Mikey swats the hand and tells them all to piss off. His family does not in fact piss off and pokes for juicy details for at least another few blocks.

There’s no ‘juicy details’ to tell, even after he and Renet meet up the rest of the week and keep meeting up. They swap comics and have debates and just hang out, still just friends and unchanged from the dance date. Mikey wonders on and off why he doesn’t have a crush on Renet- or anyone, really- but brushes it off in favor of the new Superior Ironman series coming out soon.

It stays that way, through years fifteen and sixteen- while Leo finally works up the courage to admit out loud he likes guys and ask Usagi out, Donnie and Casey and April keep making circles around each other and the elephant in the room, and Raph starts making eyes at a cadet in training he’s met at the gym. Even Renet starts going steady with a boy her family approves of, and she approves of even more so, and Mondo goes through about five more relationships, all ending in various states of chaotic mutuality.

Mikey watches his family and friends all be in love or at least interested in other people, and Mikey just keeps feeling more interested in his comics and skating.

“Maybe you’re gay, like me,” Angel suggests at one point, while they’re sitting at her kitchen table and cramming for a bio test.

“I dunno, maybe?” Mikey answers, and doesn’t feel against dating a guy, but feels about as enthused as he would dating a girl. Or anyone in between, honestly.

“You already tried girls, give some guys a shot. More for me.”

“You thinking of cheating on Alo?”

Angel flicks an eraser at Mikey. It lodges in his coils and he doesn’t even bother getting it out.

“Hell no, and if you say anything like that to her I’ll bust your kneecaps.”

“Noted.”

Mikey actually gives it a shot, dating guys. Dating in general. Keno introduces Mikey to a delivery boy his age at a local pizzeria, and Woody’s not bad to hang out with. He’s got curly hair to Mikey’s coily, freckles except in red, and skates most weekends. And he likes comics, albeit indie ones, and they find a bit of common ground by breaking in each other for new fields of reading.

It goes great, chaste kisses and holding hands and having coffee dates to skate parks- up until Woody asks to take it a step further. And Mikey doesn’t… want to.

“Is it your first time or something?” His boyfriend asks, and Mikey nods. “Then we’ll… wait, I guess. Until you’re comfortable.”

“Thanks,” Mikey says, and tries to not feel guilty for not being ready right now. He knows for a fact Mondo lost his virginity ages ago, described in detail that Mikey had to make his friend shut up about, that Angel lost hers a while ago, told in much less detail, and that most of their classmates have. He also knows that his brothers had at least tried things at this point, and Mikey hasn’t.

He feels a little left behind and frustrated about it.

He tells his buddy, Linnorm Hirutarum, named after a dragon because his parents had been awesome, all about it as LH tends to the vegetable patch behind his tiny house. Mikey flops all over the grass by it, grumbling and sighing, and snitching lettuce when he pretends LH isn’t looking.

“If you are not ready, then you are not ready,” LH says sensibly in his usual growling tone. Which is default for him and basically his version of a warm-fuzzy tone anyways.

“But I should be!” Mikey exclaims. “Everyone else was. Is. Augh.”

“Have you talked about this with Woody?”

“I… I don’t want him thinking it’s about him. Because it’s not! It’s just stupid whatever stuff for me and I need to get over it.”

LH’s shadow falls over him, and Mikey waits for his huge friend to gently lower himself onto the grass. LH’s wide scars move with him as he does, displayed by a sleeveless shirt only in the safety of the hedge protected backyard. His hand comes down on Mikey’s veritable afro, and pats Mikey’s head as he keeps talking.

“I know people who have made rash decisions about these sorts of things,” LH says seriously. “If you are not ready, then do not force yourself to. Respect your own boundaries.”

Mikey sighs, but agrees to respect himself. It’s easy to agree in that moment, with only LH’s non-judgemental presence near him, but it’s harder when he’s with Woody again and trying to explain himself without being rude.

He gives it a try, the whole sex thing. LH said to respect his boundaries, but Mikey thinks he can do it if he just figures out how it goes. Everyone else likes it, so shouldn’t he?

They talk about it, set up a date, and Mikey gets ready to experience the… experience.

It ends up being an unexciting, uncomfortable half hour of sloppy kisses and bumping parts. Mikey tries his best, but can’t figure out why anyone works so hard to experience this.

When it’s all over, Mikey hasn’t felt anything remotely close to pleasure, and actually feels a little over touched. Woody is a bit flushed, breathing fast by Mikey’s ear, but doesn’t seem super pleased either.

“…you didn’t enjoy it, did you?” He asks.

Mikey covers his eyes, and sighs. “No. Sorry.”

“Yeah, I thought you didn’t. Sorry, Mikey.”

“It’s not your fault,” Mikey says, taking his arms away and staring at the ceiling of Woody’s room. “I’m pretty sure this one’s all on me.”

They sit in stiff silence for a moment, before Woody asks if Mikey wants to stay for dinner. Mikey declines as gracefully as he can, and goes home instead. Slogging upstairs and heading into the shower to wash off.

He’s pretty sure he shouldn’t feel so much better, alone in his bedroom and freshly cleaned of the lingering smell of body fluids. His brothers find him there later, in a bathrobe and watching the original Twin Peaks on his laptop, and they ask him why he washed so early.

Mikey debates for a moment, and decides they’ll find out somehow anyways. “I had sex.” He’s unsurprised to hear Leo choke on his own spit, and Raph and Donnie make twin sounds of shock and disbelief. “Yup. Popped the cherry but good. You guys can stop teasing me about it, now.”

Does he sound a little bitter? Mikey thinks he does. From the way his brothers hover awkwardly in the doorway, they heard the bitterness, too.

“…you okay, Mikey?” Leo asks, genuinely concerned.

Mikey shrugs. “I’m fine. It just went awful, that’s all.”

Raph pats Leo on the shoulder, simultaneous with Donnie, as they both silently nominate the eldest to deal with the situation. Leo shoots them both an abandoned look, but steps into Mikey’s room to come sit on his bed. Mikey doesn’t pause his video, using it as a distraction from his prickling shame.

Leo watches him for a moment, before asking, “You used protection, right?” and Mikey groans, covering his face.

“It wasn’t that kind of sex, okay?”

“Oh. Um. Good?”

“Smooth,” Raph comments from the doorway, audibly swatted at by Donnie.

“Anyways,” Leo recovers. “You were both… you talked about it beforehand, right? You both wanted it?”

“Yeah,” Mikey says miserably into his sleeve.

“…you know first times are always bad, right, Mikey? It takes- um- practice-”

“It wasn’t because of that, Leo. You can stop.”

“Thank you,” Leo says gratefully. Donnie and Raph snicker from the doorway. “So… what was it because?”

“I can’t believe this is a conversation we’re having.”

“Shh!”

“If it’s somethin’ that kid did-”

“Raph we talked about that contingency already: only if Mikey says so-”

“It wasn’t Woody,” Mikey says, before death threats start getting thrown around. “It was me, okay? I made it suck.” He takes his arms off his face, shooting a look at all three of his siblings. “And before you say it- no it wasn’t just because it was my first time. It sucked ‘cause I suck and I couldn’t figure out how to enjoy sex, okay?”

A beat of silence, all three of his brothers staring at him, and then Leo breaks the lull.

“Mikey… you don’t ‘figure out’ how to enjoy sex. You just- enjoy it. It happens naturally.”

Mikey’s cheeks burn and he scowls. “Well apparently not with me.”

“Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet?” Raph suggests. “I mean, you know me and how things go with that.”

Mikey shakes his head. “I kinda doubt it; I’ve tried to get crushes on like, ten different kids at school and nada. Zip.”

Donnie tilts his head, long hair following the movement. “Maybe when you’re older you’ll be more interested?”

Mikey sighs. “I don’t know. Maybe. I hope so. But it’s been like- never a thing, okay? I should’ve had feelings or whatever at some point, at least once, right?”

A collective “uhhhh” from his brothers and Mikey turns over into his pillow to suffocate himself. Leo pats his back comfortingly, saying Mikey should just give himself more time, keep an open mind to chances in the future- and Mikey makes a wordless complaining sound into his pillow for it.

He and Woody break it off a few weeks later. His friend tried, and Mikey recognizes that, but Woody needs a relationship that involves stuff Mikey just… can’t figure out how to give. He tries only two more times before they just call it quits. It’s not working, and trying to make it work is just frustrating for them both.

They keep being friends afterwards, and that’s actually better in the long run. It’s everything Mikey really wanted out of the relationship anyways, so he doesn’t feel like he’s lost anything.

He feels shitty for not being able to put out like he wanted to, though. And that drives him nuts for the rest of the year, until he’s seventeen and graduating finally, and gearing up to follow his siblings to local universities. Donnie graduated ages ago, but stayed local because of their family and he, April, and Casey’s really obvious secret relationship. Casey is in mechanics, and April in general sciences; Donnie is in both and more, because he’s insane. Leo is already a few years into his share of university courses, a hopeful nurse in the future, and Raph is neck deep in his art courses.

Mikey doesn’t know what he’s going to go for, and signs up for a random collection of electives to start with. Social sciences and psychology looks sort of fun, and so do dance courses. But those are months away, and before then is summer, family time, and June’s Pride Parade.

They’ve gone a couple times, when everyone has the day off from work or classes, and this year Mikey doesn’t have a shift at his outreach program scheduled on the parade’s date. So he, his family and friends, all end up watching the parade go by in a loosely connected group.

The standard drag queens, sponsor programs, and generally proud and loud folks roll by, music and cheer its usual levels of boisterousness. Mikey snags a couple plastic necklaces that are being given out, and just enjoys hanging out with his family. He waves to Angel and Alopex as they march by, part of the local lesbian representatives, watching the familiar pink and red flags flutter as they do, but pauses as the next group follows them.

It’s just a handful of people, walking with grey, white, purple, and black flags, mixed with ones very similar but instead of purple, they have green. There’s some polite clapping as they go past, and Mikey nudges Donnie beside him. “Hey, Donnie, what’re those flags for?”

“I… don’t actually know?” His phone is out within seconds, reflexes of a true technology addict. “Let’s see what our almighty lord and savior google has to say about it.” Mikey pushes close, reading as much as he can as Donnie flicks through the search faster than he can take it. “They’re- huh. They’re for ‘asexuality’ and... ‘aromantics’? I don’t even know what the second one is, and I’ve never heard about that first one being applied to anything other than asexual reproduction.”

“More explanation, please?” Mikey asks impatiently.

“It’s says- don’t push, I’m trying to scroll- it says it’s for individuals with little or no sexual drive, or little to no interest in romance. Actually that sounds contradictive, why are they listed together…”

Mikey’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really?”

“Well, that’s a gross oversimplification of everything here. There’s a spectrum for it, and apparently different categories? This is actually pretty interesting. I wonder why I’ve never read about it before.”

Mikey snags the phone from his brother, scrolling back to the top and rereading the first few paragraphs. He ignores Donnie’s grabby hands and keeps reading, feeling a twisty hopeful emotion build in his chest.

“Here,” He says, tossing the phone back at his brother. “hold my spot.” And he takes off at a jog to catch up with the parade members. They’re not too far ahead, and Mikey just has to avoid slipping on stray necklaces as he runs over to them.

“Hey- hey!” He shouts, catching up with the first person he can. The woman turns questioningly towards him, and Mikey blurts, “When did you- did you first know?”

She blinks at him, adjusting her hold on the big flag pole on her shoulder. “Excuse me?”

“That you’re asexual,” Mikey asks, heart tempo speeding up. “How’d you know?”

She stares at him a second longer, and then grins. “Around the time I had my first girlfriend, and I looked back at the times with my other partners and figured out I was always more interested in watching the movie than I was in making out.”

Mikey grins back. “Yo- same hat!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Totally! My ex always wanted to make out during Luke Cage and I was always like- dude no there’s good stuff happening. That’s. Wow.” Mikey feels a little breathless. “So that’s what it is? It’s not like- just a me thing?”

He barely hears the crowd around them, his focus tunneled around the conversation and the woman holding the flag. Mikey waits for a denial or an okay, a little scared while he’s so excited.

The woman smiles kindly. “No, that’s not just a you thing. We’re not a huge community, but there’s aces out there. Do you think you’re one of us?”

“I don’t know, I’m- I’m hoping so?” Mikey’s heart does a little twist. “I mean. My bro just pulled up the google explanation, and it sounds really, really. Um. Like me?”

The woman reaches up to the front of her jean jacket, and reaches into a pocket. When she pulls out her hand, she holds something out to Mikey.

“Look into it a little more, but if you think asexuality fits you- then welcome to the club, kid.”

Mikey takes the little button, grinning ear to ear. He thinks he’s shaking he’s so ecstatic. “Hey, would it be cool if I hugged you right now? I think you just solved like half my life problems.”

The woman laughs, and holds her arm out. It’s an awkward hug, because they’re both still walking and she’s carrying a flag, but Mikey appreciates it wholly.

When he comes back to his family, he’s got a new pin stuck to his shirt and an elated, hopeful feeling in his chest behind it.

“Hey guys, guess what?”

Turns out, not really feeling like dating people is fine all on its own.

So while Leo and Usagi go through the ups and downs of long-standing relationships, Donnie, Casey, and April all share their usual collective awkwardness and romantic overtures, Raph finally lands a date with the cadet Y’Gythgba he’s been following around for ages, and Karai and Shinigami disappear over the eastern horizon to share their seventh anniversary-

Mikey cracks a fresh pile of comics in his bedroom, turns up his music, and calls Renet on Skype to have a comparison hangout of their latest picks. He hangs out with Mondo and Woody around the skate park before that, and rolls by Angel’s place to say hi to his friend and her family on the way back. He pops in at LH’s place, trading half the casserole Angel’s mom gave to him for fresh veggies, chatting about his day so far and plans for a comic binge later. He sees his friends, does what he always does with them, and departs from them all one after another.

When he goes home, enjoying the summer heat all on his own and excited to video call his best girl who-is-his-friend and nothing more- he doesn’t feel even the slightest bit lonely as he walks. Like he always has.

#My writing #tmnt #tmnt 2012 #tmnt IDW #michelangelo #asexuality #what a great kid #i really enjoy relating to him on this subject #as well as sliding a few good pairings along the sidelines mhm #and fyi y'gythgba eventually joins the paratroopers and is raph's really cool and buff gf #and shinigami has her nickname in here because of her status as a veritable reaper in the online games she plays #And yes #the capritello trio do eventually figure themselves out and establish a relationship officially #all good things

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