#i have an hour long presentation tomorrow and my wrist is destroyed. and yet.

[nerdflowo]

i need someone to take my drawing tablet away from me

#wip #i have an hour long presentation tomorrow and my wrist is destroyed. and yet. #here i am.... #rendering a Herrah

[mostly-marvel-musings]

We were on a break - Chapter 4

A/N: I had plans on expanding this chapter but decided against it. The series may be longer lol.

Pairing: Tony Stark x Reader

Warnings: Strong language, angst, injuries.

Word count: 1198

 Series Masterlist

Series Taglist – @shipatheart​  @tone-stark​ @thevanishedillusion​  @kaestatic  @lieswithoutfairytales​ @booktease21​ @panicattheeverywherekid​ @taina-eny​ @infirebaby  @buttercandy16​

Tony Stark Taglist - @raspberrymama​ @ladyeliot​ @boop-le-snoot​  @make-a-memory-drink-it-up​ @loveisallyouneed1125​ @ownsmyheart​  @anthonyjanthony666​ @downeyreads​

Everything Taglist – @godofplumsandthunder​  @ladyacrasia​ @agustdowney​ @swaggysposts​ @littlegasps​ @little-baby-vixen​  @another-stark-sub​ @supraveng​ @kahlanmars​ @marvelgirl7​ @disappointmentofthefam​  @pandaxnienke​ @tom-hlover​ @just-the-hiddles​ @fyreball66 @asmigurub​  @avantgardium-leviosa​ @imerdwarf​

Tags are open! If you wish to be tagged in future chapters, OR removed from any of the lists, send me an ask.

…

“Do we have an audio on the Presidential Suite yet?”

You were pacing around your hotel suite, while Clint and Ward tried to get an audio-visual on Andrew Leeds’ suite that was located less than 500 metres away from where you were living in Four Seasons. His room was bugged by the team on the same night you arrived in Seychelles. Miniature voice recorders disguised as extra room cards were set up, apart from that you needed a visual on people in Leeds’ close circles to effectively take out and/or take into custody.

“We will. Patience (Y/L/N).” Clint answered, glancing at you while his fingers flew over the computer.

“I still think we should go old school.” Grant stood up and joined you, placing his hands on your shoulder to halt your marching.

“Leeds isn’t stupid Ward.”

“As a matter of fact he is. Trust me I know him, he’s never once missed an opportunity to get into the pants of beautiful women when he’s on holiday.” He seemed shifty-eyed over what he’d just said.

“What do you mean you know him?”

“I meant I know his type. Hydra’s after his money and he is nothing but a walking wallet. Killing his men won’t get you the information we need that charming him with your personality will. Hydra won’t waste any time in discarding the man after they’re done and we’ll be left with nothing.” Ward stated matter-of-factly, his expression hiding his true intentions but for some reason you decided to trust the man. He was a senior and had much more experience than you did plus it was your first time leading a mission.

“Are we going with the birthday protocol then?” Clint chimed in, leaving you frowning between the two men.

“We sure are.”

“What birthday protocol? Excuse me what have you been planning without keeping me in the loop?” you were mildly irritated at this point.

“Nothing. Get some rest (Y/L/N). Big day tomorrow.”

.

“Wake up birthday girl.”

You mumbled ‘go away’ before turning away from the source of noise and pulling the blankets over your head in attempts to go back to sleep. Unfortunately Tony was having none of it, the sheets were off your body in one swift motion exposing your half naked body to the cold air of the room before Tony climbed on top of you, poking you till you whined and opened your eyes.

“There she is. What would the birthday girl like to do today?”

Tony wasn’t usually this chipper so early in the morning, hell he was never in bed with you on most days so seeing him in this jovial mood was heart-warming, though you wished he’d wake you up a little later.

“I’d like to sleep please.” You stated with a pout that didn’t last long as Tony kissed that pout lovingly.

“Okay we can sleep but not before I give you your present.” With that he began littering your face with kisses while his hands tickled your sides making your squirm and giggle, there was no escaping as he had you pinned underneath him. You grabbed his wrist as he reached your panties, very aware of what that ‘present’ was.

“Last time I checked it was my birthday Tony.”

Now it was his turn to pout while you shook your head at his antics.

“But it’s not every day you have Iron Man going down on you.”

You hit his face with a pillow before rolling him off the bed, laughing as you ran to the bathroom, leaving a shocked looking Tony on your bedroom floor.

Your eyes opened to the sounds of seagulls in the distance along with waves crashing against the rocky beach that was visible from your hotel window. A sight you could watch for hours, you could if you wanted to, it was your birthday after all and you were free to do whatever the hell you wanted.

Your phone kept buzzing with texts from people you knew, a few missed calls from your friends and family who’d called at midnight but you hadn’t picked up, having gone to bed early and on purpose to avoid exactly that. You read the texts one by one while treating yourself to a nice soothing bath, the one from Barton and Grant Ward intriguing.

Morning birthday girl! See you downstairs for breakfast. Wear something fancy!

.

Sun shone brightly, the air humid and balmy as you entered the lobby looking for your friends. The woman at the front desk informed you that there was a reservation under your name at the cabanas lining the beach just out front.

Noisy waves crashed against the rocky beach mercilessly, foaming before returning back to the ocean quietly, the warm breeze flapping your dress behind you, the fabric clung to your skin as you strolled towards a noisy group you could only assume were your friends.

“There she is!”

In seconds you were surrounded with people gathering you in bone-crushing hugs, shouting birthday wishes and pushing you towards the table laid out with delectable looking food and mimosas and quite a rustic looking birthday cake. It took you a couple of minutes to recognize Nat in her undercover avatar, surprised that she’d actually flown here to celebrate with you.

“You really didn’t have to do this guys. Thank you so much!” grinning from ear to ear, you looked around at their happy faces, grateful to be able to call them your friends, family even.

“As expected (Y/L/N), our bugs were found and promptly destroyed last night.” Ward stated, a smug look on his face.

“Okay no mission stuff right now. It’s her birthday.”

“Go on then, cut the cake. We’re starving!” Clint exclaimed, giving you a little shove towards the table after handing you a knife while Natasha placed a tiara made with twigs and small flowers on your head.

“Did you make this cake Barton? Is it safe to eat?” you joked, before cutting a small piece and offering it to him. Clint glanced at Natasha for a brief moment before taking a bite and grimacing. Natasha laughed nervously before feeding you a piece, an overpowering taste of vanilla filled your mouth making you pull a face. This couldn’t have been store-bought, someone made this cake for you. For a second your mind flitted towards Tony, his attempts to make you breakfast in bed that had led to you throwing up after eating his pancakes and a storm-swept kitchen.

Everyone busied themselves with food, leaving your enquiry unanswered and soon you dropped it, realising you were famished.

Back at your suite, a rather expensive bottle of Dom Perignon was sent with a personalised note card from Andrew Leeds who had his eyes on you from an adjacent cabana next to the infinity pool. The bottle received by a bewildered Tony Stark who was pacing around your room, awaiting your return and praying you had found his handmade cake somewhat palatable.

#tony stark series #we were on a break #tony stark x reader #tony stark fanfiction #iron man series #iron man fanfic #tony stark angst

[bigbangclappin]

Wounded

Genre: Werewolf au, angst

Pairing: JacksonXReader

Warnings: Mentions of heat, thoughts of infidelity, mentions of smut, cursing? I don’t remember but just in case. 

A/N: this is going to have one more part I think and it may just go on my Ao3 we’ll see.

Word count: 2,560

Summary: Going in to heat can make you act on the irrational and unheard of.

Heat cycles were such a pain especially when your mate was out of the den. Although it was frowned upon highly by your people, you considered finding an unmated wolf to help you out.

That’s how crazy heat made you. You would do anything to flush the heat. You moaned as you rolled over on to your bed nothing was distracting you from the pain and hormones coursing through your veins.

Your good friend was doing her best to talk you through it but it was so hard. 

“Jackson said he’s returning to the pack in two days but I’m sure he’d hurry if he knew your heat came early.”

You shuddered at the thought of your mate, his sun kissed skin, rippling muscles, and handsome smile. God you were never going to flush this heat at this rate. Not when every time you closed your eyes you could hear Jackson’s voice in your ear and his light caresses on your body.

You cursed yourself for letting him answer the call of a distressed alpha that Jackson was good friends with. You both were aware of your incoming cycle but had thought you had some more time before it hit you like a ton of bricks.

How stupid you were.

“I can’t ask him to return when he’s out there protecting the pack, it’s selfish.”

“Well I’m afraid the moment you smell an unmated wolf you’re going to pounce on him…”

“I have some self-control. I just don’t know how long it’ll last.”

“(Y/n)-ah do you want the chains?”

“I’m not quite there yet, I don’t think.” you sighed in frustration, “But if he’s not back tomorrow I might need them.”

You sighed in irritation; how could he have left so close to your cycle? Without him you only had two options, tying yourself up (which was more excruciating) or to try and flush the heat with another unmated wolf. You wished you were strong enough to take being locked up, the fire that burnt through your body was enough to make you wish you were dead.

“Would you stay bound?” Jakyung asked you warily, “Last time you broke them the moment it became too much.”

“...I think I’m going to need Jinyoung.”

You heard your friend’s sharp intake of breath; her uneasiness more potent than before. You knew you were breaking something, a silent law and a promise. A very sacred bond between yourself and Jackson, and Jakyung didn’t want to help you destroy that bond but she felt duty bound. She was your best friend and she knew what it was like to go through a heat so intense without your mate present to relieve it. 

“You should really think about what you’re doing (Y/n)-ah,” your friend advised, “We can call Namjoon and ask if he can let Jackson return early, if he knew what you were going through surely he’d let him come home.”

“Even if he allowed Jackson to return it would still take him at least a day to get home from Hong Kong, and then another half a day to return to the packhouse. I’m not going to be able to make it--he should have never left me…”

“It’s not like he could have ignored the call of another alpha who needed help. You know your mate is loyal to those he cares about. Please (Y/n)-ah think about what this could do, your bond will never be the same if you do this.”

You groaned and rolled about on your bed once more, your thighs clenching trying to lessen some of the intense pressure building up in your core. You were desperate, aching, and you’d do anything to have your mate between your legs.

“I’m going to try to sleep for a little while Jakyung; I’ll call you before I decide to do anything.”

You hung up and stared at your home screen before opening your imessage. 

You threw your phone down on your bed miserably; you were suffering and he didn’t care. Sure the more rational side of your mind understood the loyalty he had to uphold to Namjoon. Of course an alpha like your mate would always come to the aid of a friend in need. It was wrong of you to think poorly of your mate for doing what was expected of him.

With a moan you laid your head down on your pillow, wiping the sweat away from your forehead. You were going to try to rest it out and as you laid there your restless thoughts only increased your desire for satisfaction. You couldn’t take it anymore.

You texted Jakyung asking for the chains.

***

Your packmates had come in often caring for you, feeding you, giving you water, keeping you cool. Jakyung even came to help rub salve on your aching wrists. Every time a male entered your home mated or not you pulled at your restraints, your wolf acting on instinct just to be mated. 

On a particularly bad afternoon your best friend was cleaning you off and you caught the scent of a delicious unmated male. It had to be Jinyoung he hadn’t gone with the others and you recognized the inviting smell of pine and musk. It was similar to Jackson’s but your mate’s was more intoxicating.

You yanked on your chains with a snarl trying to get the male. Jakyung cooed to you trying to settle you and get you to stop pulling so hard against your own wrists but you’ve always been one of the strongest females in your pack.

“Jinyoungie help me...:” you cried in the most pitiful voice you could muster.

The male looked at you with widened eyes and flared nostrils. He could smell your neediness, sense your desire; he’d be crazy to act on it. Jackson was his good friend and if he were to act on his own instinct his friend would kill him and his reputation with the pack.

“(Y/n)-ah.” Jakyung scolded you, “You know better.”

“You try withstanding this pain Jakyung.” you snapped at your friend, “Jinyoung…”

Jinyoung swallowed hard and you followed the way his Adam’s apple moved; licking your lips you surged forward again, your arms screaming in pain.

“I can’t (Y/n)-ah,” Jinyoung replied woefully, “Besides I came with a message from Jackson, he should be home soon in about an hour or two. Just hang on ‘til then.” 

An hour or two was a lot to ask for a female who's been in heat for four days with no relief. It was getting so hard to just stand up straight, you didn’t know if you could hang on for ten minutes let alone a couple of hours.

Your nose was twitching rapidly in annoyance; Jinyoung was so close and he could help you but he refused. How irritating it was to be a female. How annoying that Jinyoung still had his wits about him while you were slipping into madness.

“No one has to know,” you pleaded with him, “Please, it hurts.”

From beside you, you had noticed Jakyung had pulled out her phone and her fingers were rapidly tapping away. The sound was aggravating to your already over sensitive ears. You nearly snapped at her but Jinyoung had taken another step back.

“Jackson would know,” Jinyoung announced, “I will not betray my friend (Y/n)-ah, I’m sorry you just have to be strong.”

You whimpered in defeat; just wait til your mate’s rut came around. You’d let him experience what you were going through.

“He’s abandoned me,” you looked to Jakyung tears in your eyes, “He’s left me”

Your friend patted at your tears with a tissue gently, “That’s just your heat talking Pabo, Jackson loves you he’s on his way now.”

The overwhelming feeling of your mixed, irrational emotions were too much for your mind and body to endure. Your friend was right you knew it was just your heat causing you to think crazy thoughts but in your stupor you believed it more than you ever have. 

Within a moment you let out a painful howl and yanked at the chains once more with all of your strength. 

You were free.

Shifting before you even have had a chance to calm down You bolted from the house plowing through the storm screen taking off for the woods.

All your wolf wanted to do was run. She wanted to run away from the pain your mate had caused you.

You didn’t know how far you ran or for how long but when you finally came to a clearing you laid on your side with a huff and plopped your head down on the grass.

The area was safe so you decided to rest.

—————————————-

Your ear perked up at the sound of a snapping twig. You feigned sleep as you scented the air, your hackles raised at the familiar scent of Jackson.

Chancing a glance you popped an eye open, he stood maybe ten feet from you. He was larger than your wolf and he was easily capable of dominating you. But that wasn’t his way. He respected you too much.

His black coat gleamed in the dimming sunlight as he took another step toward you.

You bared your teeth at him in warning. You were still pretty upset with the entire situation. Your guilt was brewing and resentment was building steady in your heart. How could he have left you at your most vulnerable? How could you even think of betraying him?

He cocked his head to the side in confusion and attempted another movement to which you rose from your spot ready to run.

You let out a low growl; giving him a chance to back off. But your growl seemed to set him off for he snarled at you harshly.

You were nearly tempted to submit by instinct. Not only was your alpha demanding you to stand down but your mate too. The emotions running rampid in your blood and the deluded thoughts in your brain made you decide  to take off instead.

The grass was plush beneath your paws as you rocketed across the meadow into the treeline ahead of you.  Dodging the lush forest greenery was no easy task on a normal day, but with Jackson hot on your heels the entire dash was worse than the obstacle course you were drilled on when you were a pup. A few times you could feel his teeth nip at your hind leg. It caused less pain than him calling out to you through your telepathic bond. It hurt your heart to ignore the pleas of your mate but all you wanted was to be alone. 

Jackson would have none of that though. He came up beside you and nudged you with his strength knocking you off balance. You tried to get up and run again but he pummeled your wolf with his to the ground.

You snapped at his jugular to which he growled sharply at. He weighed you down as you lashed out at him. Head and neck whipping wickedly trying to break free from his grasp, your teeth mashing together in frustration.  He let you tire yourself out until all you could do was whimper in submission.

He nuzzled your neck affectionately, coaxing you to relax, scenting you so you would feel safe. You licked at the wound you had left on the side of his face near his nose, doing your best to show how sorry you were.

You whined in sorrow everything had just been so overwhelming in the state your mind and body were in.  Your mate continued to console you the best he could; it made you feel worse with how compassionate he could be. Sometimes you felt you didn’t deserve him. You knew you didn’t deserve him. The loving, caring, alpha he was.

Slowly your wolf began to loosen her reins on your emotions and allowed you to shift back. Sensing your tantrum was over Jackson followed suit, he hovered above you eyeing you gently. Searching for any marks he may have left on you.

“Jacks I’m so sorry.” 

He gave you a small forgiving smile while running a calloused hand through your hair, “I know you’ve must’ve been in a lot of pain and I’m sorry that I left you when you needed me most.”

You scoffed not really at him but at yourself. You felt worse than before, did he know what you were thinking about doing because he wasn’t there? The guilt was eating you alive and here he was your sweet, loving, mate apologizing to you for obeying the laws of your people.

You moved away from his soothing touch. You weren’t worthy of his comfort. Jackson was too good for you. Especially since you were so willing to forget about his mark just for a moment of relief. Not even true relief at that.

“Please don’t do that Jackson.” 

He looked at you with hurt and it broke your heart even further. If he knew what you had tried to do to one of his closest pack mates he’d never forgive you. You couldn’t blame him either.

“What’s wrong (Y/n)?” your mate questioned, confused trying to reach for you again.

Another step back you wrung your wrists, “I need to tell you something.”

The tears filled your eyes almost instantly. God what if he hated you and never wanted to see you again? Of course you’d accept his decision if that were the case but your heart burned at the thought of losing him for good.

He nodded his head for you so you inhaled deeply, “I tried to convince Jinyoung to mate with me…”

Jackson was the one to take a step back this time; his nostrils flared wide in anger. You could practically see the steam exploding from his ears, his eyes turbulent with both hurt and jealousy.

“I’m so sorry Jackson I knew it was wrong but the heat was making me delirious and it hurt so much, much, worse than before…”

He ran a hand down his face as if he were trying to collect himself, “Did you act on it?” 

You shook your head immediately, “Jinyoung refused right away.”

A growl rumbled through his chest at your answer and it made your wolf whimper in submission.

“I didn’t ask about him, I asked if you acted on it?”

His anger was rarely seen since it took a lot to rile up your mate to that point of no return; you weren’t really sure how to respond. Yes you initiated the conversation but you never did anything but proposition the beta. 

“No I ran after he rejected my offer,” you said softly, afraid to say the wrong thing and tip your mate’s tank.

“Your offer?”

Jackson spat like venom he growled after a moment lost in his thoughts, “I’m going to hunt. Go back to the packhouse, if you aren’t there when I get back I’ll hunt you down and punish you no matter where I find you…”

A shiver rand down your spine as your mate shifted mid air; his back to you as he ran deeper into the woods. You sniffled the tears you felt away and began the journey back to your home. 

You had some serious groveling to do.

#jackson wang scenario #got7 werewolf au #jackson wang werewolf au #got7 angst #got7 scenarios #got7 imagines #jackson wang au #jackson wang angst #jackson wang imagine #got7 writing #bigbangclappin #woo angsty #got7 #jackson wang

[icycream-catqueen]

Kindling (When You’re Burning Low)

Cinder would rather burn herself out than risk a low grade; fortunately, Neo knows how to make her relax.

Rating: T

Tone: Some angst, lots of supportiveness, and a fluffy ending

Word Count: ~5,000

Important Tags: College AU, Established Relationship

I was gonna post this before now but I had problems with writing it and I was nervous about participating in a ship week especially when I only have something written for one prompt, and also my cat was sleeping on me for five whole hours earlier tonight while I was trying to finish up and as everyone knows it is a crime to disturb a snoozing kitty cat. I hope it still counts. ^_^;

Considering it’s pretty long, I only have an excerpt (the first scene I wrote for this fic, actually) on this post; the whole thing is, of course, over on AO3!

On this fine Saturday afternoon, Cinder was taking advantage of the lounge in the dorm suite. The coffee table was half-claimed by various books and notes while Cinder herself was settled at the same end of the couch, her laptop perched on the arm of it and her right side pressed closely against the suede upholstery as she struggled with the perfect phrasing for her essay. Failure was never an option for her, and even the slightest error would lead to it when it came to this class. She was running on pure caffeine by now, from a supposedly unhealthy amount of coffee. This was her third or fourth solid day of being awake. After the first night, she’d moved her setup from her room to the lounge to help her stay more alert. Winter and Emerald had both tried to tell her what was best for her wellbeing, but she’d firmly shut down their arrogance; she knew her own limits, and she needed to get this stupid project done. Neo, thankfully, had been out of town from Thursday morning to last night, and when she’d come back to the suite, she’d trudged straight to her room and shut the door. Cinder had only seen a couple brief glimpses of her since. Just as well, considering Cinder couldn’t intimidate her into letting her be like she could to Emerald and Winter.

At the moment, Emerald and Winter were both out of the building. They’d each probably told her what they were doing, but she hadn’t bothered to remember it. Neo was apparently still asleep, which was a bit odd but not enough so to risk seeing the pitiful kicked-puppy expression that appeared when her sleep was disturbed. Still, if she wasn’t up and about in two hours, it would be worth it to check on her mental and physical health.

Speak of the devil, Cinder heard a door open behind her. She didn't bother to look, though, until she realized the shuffling footsteps were approaching the couch instead of the kitchen, bathroom, or shower. She took a brief glance, then did an immediate double take because Neo looked absolutely miserable. Her hair was unbrushed and her eyes were dull. The oversized black sweatshirt (which Cinder recognized by the fiery orange phoenix on the front as one of her own that had mysteriously vanished a few weeks ago) and the brown and pink plaid pajama pants were probably what she'd worn to bed the night before, and she hadn't even bothered to put on socks. It was worrying to see her in such a state.

"You certainly look worse for wear," Cinder commented. Neo pouted at her as she slowly made her way to the couch and sank to the cushions. Before Cinder could react, Neo flopped down, squirmed to lay her head in her lap, and rolled onto her back. "I'm busy," Cinder told her sternly.

Neo's response was a soft and pitiful keening sound. She fumbled to grab Cinder's left wrist, staring up at her with pleading doe eyes.

"Neo. I'm busy," Cinder repeated. Neo whined and tugged on her wrist, so Cinder rolled her eyes and stopped resisting, curious about what she wanted. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she was definitely taken by surprise when Neo gently guided her hand under the hem of her sweatshirt and pressed it against her lower stomach.

What is she trying to accomplish here? Cinder raised an eyebrow at the woman in her lap. Neo let go of her wrist to sign something at her. The odd angle made it hard to translate, so it took a few seconds for Cinder to understand what she was asking for and why.

"I suppose I can take a short break, if you're really in that much pain," she relented. "You're lucky you're cute," she added as she carefully activated her Semblance.

The reaction was instant. Neo sighed with relief at the warmth, eyes full of soft gratitude and affection. Cinder rubbed slow, small circles over her stomach, feeling the smaller woman go languid under her touch. After a few more seconds, Neo's eyes fluttered closed.

"Is this warm enough?" Cinder asked. Neo nodded, a content smile playing across her lips. "Just ten minutes."

Neo opened her eyes and pouted at her.

"There is a reason I've been awake for," Cinder checked the time on her laptop, "about eighty hours now." Neo looked positively outraged.

"You need to sleep," she signed—easily decipherable now that Cinder had gotten a little more time to adjust to her current perspective. Not that the message was very appreciated.

"No, what I need is to finish this ridiculous project so I can move on to my two remaining essays, do all the work for a 'group project' because the rest of my assigned group are immature and unmotivated idiots, and study for my three exams this week," Cinder retorted.

"When are your essays due?"

Cinder elected not to answer, since admitting the due dates were two and three weeks away respectively wouldn't help her against Neo's accusatory glare.

"Your group project?"

Okay, so maybe it hadn't technically been assigned yet and was scheduled to be due in a month and a half, but all the information was in the syllabus. Cinder's class was full of imbeciles, and somehow she always got stuck in a group with some idiot or another who didn't understand what a lesbian was, so she was getting it out of the way to avoid interacting with anyone.

"Are all three of your exams actually this week?"

Two of them, and one of those barely counted more towards the final grade in the class than a small quiz. Her continued silence was answer enough; Neo knew her too well.

"You're going to burn yourself out again." Neo's eyes were unbearably sad, so Cinder looked away.

"I'm fine," she dismissed the concern. A hand grabbed her chin and yanked her head down so her eyes met Neo's again.

"I watched you collapse in the middle of campus last year, and I almost got in trouble for pulling a knife on the paramedics to make them let me stay with you. I got a scared video call from Winter four months ago because you fainted in her fancy rich-person hot tub and nearly drowned," Neo reminded her. “Do I need to go on?”

"I can handle it this time," Cinder insisted, growing agitated. Neo took a calming breath before responding.

"No you can't. You always say it but you never can. You end up in an exhausted daze. You work yourself into a frenzy. You get into fits of rage...which honestly scare me."

"I would never lay a hand on—!" Cinder was cut off when Neo pressed a finger to her lips.

"Not for myself. I'm scared you'll lose control and take it out on yourself again," Neo corrected her. "You haven't in a while, but..." Neo trailed a hand down Cinder's left arm, tracing her scars.

"I just...I need to...I have to keep working. I can't let myself fall behind. I can't..." Cinder faltered. Neo sighed.

"I know," she acknowledged. She knew about the past, knew why Cinder relapsed into these desperate attempts to excel, to stay ahead. "But it's pointless if you destroy yourself trying."

"I've only ended up being sent to the hospital three times since I started college," Cinder argued. Neo was unimpressed.

"Congratulations! And you've managed to barely avoid hospitalization how many times now?"

"I—that isn't relevant!" Cinder hissed. Neo scowled.

"Really? It's not? How many times have you ended up so exhausted that you were bedridden for days? How many times have you gone into a mental decline because you were incapacitated? And how many more times are you going to make me watch you suffer like that?"

"If you want to leave me, just get it over with!" Cinder spat bitterly. Neo's eyes widened, hurt and shocked. Cinder flinched, realizing she'd crossed a very important line. "I didn't mean...I don't know why I said that."

"An abandonment complex, emotional instability, a mess of insecurities you mask with your ego, previous girlfriends who couldn't handle you or only wanted your body...and like I've been saying, you need sleep,” Neo replied, recovering. "Also, my cramps?"

"What?" Cinder realized she'd subconsciously deactivated her Semblance at some point and quickly remedied that. "Oh. Sorry."

"I'm going to make a deal with you," Neo informed her abruptly. Cinder raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

"What kind of deal?"

"The 'ridiculous project' you're trying to finish. Tell me about it, and I'll explain," Neo replied. Cinder clenched her teeth at the mere mention of it.

"It's an assigned experiment, a five to ten-page report on it, and an oral presentation. And the professor hates me. He goes out of his way to make every class, every test, and every assignment hell for me. I have to work harder than anyone so he can't get away with failing me out of spite. If I make even one mistake..." she growled.

"When is it due?"

"The day after tomorrow. It was assigned two weeks ago, but three days ago he realized he 'accidentally' gave me the wrong experiment. In other words, he's making me do a two-week project within five days—after I'd already finished the one he previously assigned me."

"Watts," Neo guessed. Cinder had come back from his class angry enough times that it wasn't even a question.

"Yeah," she confirmed anyway. Neo wrinkled her nose.

"I already hated that guy, and I hated him more and more every time you came back from his class in a bad mood, but this shit he's pulling now is the final straw, so I'm going to get him fired," she declared. Cinder let out an amused huff.

"And how will you do that?" she asked. She didn’t expect an actual answer but Neo didn't even hesitate.

"It may include breaking and entering, small and well-placed incidents, a flat tire, some bottles of the expensive alcohol he isn't supposed to have on campus, a sedative, and if we're lucky, a little inadvertent assistance from gravity and Ironwood."

"Just how long have you been planning this?" Cinder was taken aback at the immediate response. Neo considered.

"The time you locked me out of your dorm after his class because you were so furious you wanted to hit something, and you were worried you'd see so much red you might accidentally hit me in blackout rage. You've never told me what happens in his class to make you so angry, or even if it's actually him or just another student—though I was pretty sure it was him—so I planned for both situations."

"I'm impressed," Cinder commented. Neo smirked. “Now what was that ‘deal’ you mentioned?”

"You finish the report for your project, then eat something more substantial than coffee and whatever quick snacks you've been living off of for the past few days. And then we go to my dorm and you get some damn sleep."

"How did you know I'm working on the report right now?" Cinder was taken aback. "And how do you know I haven't been eating?"

"Because I can see it on your computer. And once again, you've done this before, so I know you don't take the time for more than the minimum amount of food to keep hunger from 'distracting' you," Neo pointed out, almost accusingly.

"I haven't even started working on the oral presentation. I'll do all that after I'm completely finished."

"Nope. You can start that part when you're well-rested. If you make me physically drag you to bed while I'm on my period, I'll make damn sure you regret it," Neo threatened with a scowl.

“Fine,” Cinder gave in reluctantly. Neo smiled brightly, and dammit, it was nigh impossible for Cinder to stay bitter in the face of such genuine fondness, joy, and relief. She wondered when she’d gotten so soft—even if only a select few people got to see that soft part of her—and realized she didn’t even mind anymore.

#spicecreamweek2021 #spicecream #cinder x neo #fanfic #rwby #cinder fall #neopolitan #college au #oneshot #mentions of trauma #mentions of past self-harm #fluff #cuddles #established relationship #tl;dr cinder neglects self-care so neo makes her take a nap #i could have just done a link like normal people but i wanted an excuse to use the spicecream graphic i made

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Olá !!! I have one for ya ! How about nurse chisaki x reader teacher , the plot being chisaki is is forced to be UA new nurse and gets the crap beaten out of him almost everyday by students , but he can’t do nothing about it because no one likes him so no one wants to help him, until one day the reader finds him being beaten up and saves him and he just falls for her after that and maybe she helps him with his reputation? It’s a long one sorry about that , love your work ❤️❤️❤️

Olá!! So, I will make this an no quirk AU since I guess that people on UA wouldn't want a imprisoned criminal category fucking B villain as their nurse. I loved your request btw

Honestly? He felt worse...

Ever since the school U.A demanded his services; since he was basically forced to take a job when he got out of prison; as their nurse, Chisaki was in a awful mood almost 24 hours at day, even when he wasn't working.

Chisaki was going to refuse and even insult these bastards to even look exactly for him to do this despicable job, but Pops made up his mind.

"If you don't accept this Kai your penalty on jail can increase and the yakusa will be prejudiced by it. Accept this offer already."

Well, here was... treating his own swollen and purple eye.

Just like him, the students and even some teachers weren't pleased by his presence on their school ground. And some expressed their disgust towards him with physical violence and degrading words.

Chisaki wasn't weak and could easily pin them down and take their lifes away, but if he even dared to raise a hand, he was going to suffer the consequences with the police and the yakusa would be prejudiced with the news of him... and Pops could be arrested as well.

So he just take it. It's not like it was anything he cared for anyway...

A knock on the door interrupted his actions and he immediately puffed an air of pure irritation at the thought of another person treating him like disgusting trash or even chosing to beat him up.

"Come in." He groaned impatiently as he got out of the the tiny bathroom of the infirmary.

He froze when he saw you. A teacher from class 2-B wondering around, looking at everthing with an innocent smile and pure interest.

Well, the least he would get was going to be a slap on his face or a kick on his private area...

"Ah hello!" You noticed his presence and your happy face soon transformed into one of worry at seing his black eye "Oh god! Are you okay? What happened?" You approached him and he took a step back covering his eye while glaring at you with his good one.

"Not your business. What do you want?" He growled, making you lift your hands up in defence as you simply nodded.

"Ok, not going to interfere. Sorry, I just got worried, but I understand. I just came here to grab a pill for a headache for one student of mine."

"Right." He went into one of his shelfs and grabbed one pot and roughly handed it to you one exactly pill.

"That should be enough." You smiled up at him and bowed shortly after.

"Thank you very much Chisaki-kun. Have a good a day!" You waved at him and got out.

He scoffed before plopping down on his chair as he grabbed a small amount of cotton.

"Good day... right."

~

On the other day you passed by and greated him like normally, while he was attending a student, whose was scowling at him already.

"Good morning Chisaki-kun. What happened in here?"

He stared at you for a few seconds before pointing with his palm at a cut on the student's arm, irritation clearly on his face.

"Woah kiddo what happened on the battle field?"

The boy smiled at you while he rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"Long day at training (L/N) sensei. My colleague went a bit overboard on me." You giggled while Chisaki picked his equipments to start to sterilize the injury.

"I can do it myself." The student said roughly trying to get the supplies fron Chisaki's hands.

"Do you even have the knowledge of the topic? No, right? So just shut it and let me do my damn job." Chisaki groaned before luckily dodging the younger boy slap.

"Hey! What is the meaning of this?!" You shouted at the student making him flinch in fear while Chisaki widened his eyes.

"Miss he is-"

"I don't want to hear it!" You pointed a threatening finger at his face "You better respect this man for doing at least a decent job! He is your superior, and you own him some respect! Did you hear me?!" The boy nodded nervously at seing an usual calm and cheerful teacher in such a state of wrath.

"Good. Now let him threat the wound or else you can get out of here and look for recovery girl." The boy slowly got up and leaved the infirmary.

Chisaki looked at you, sighing in pure annoyance while pinching between your eyebrows with your other hand on your hip.

"I apologize for his behavior Chisaki-kun. I will talk with principal Nezu about it."

"It's..." he looked at you questionably "Not necessary." He put the uttensiles back in their originals places.

"What do you want?" He returned to look at you, crossing arms and with his usual glare.

"Uh? Oh! Nothing, I was just passing by and wanted to see how were you doing!" A beep catched the attention of both of you before you gasped looking at the time.

"My break It's over. I have to get back to class right away or my students will destroy the classroom."

"Quite troublesome brats aren't they?" He lifted one of his eyebrows up which you only giggled making your way to the door.

"Maybe, but they are good kids. See you soon!" You bowed and closed the door.

Why did you even defended him..? And you didn't even wanted nothing in return.

What the hell were you planning? And what was this warm on his chest..?

~

As time passed by, Kai had already memorized your breaks, since everytime you went to his infirmary to catch up. He noticed that you stayed, talked and treated him like a decent human being, different from many of this hell.

So its not shocking for him to notice that he may had developed a certain... fondness for you.

So he was slightly concerned when you were ten minutes late than normal to your usual visit.

"Waiting for miss (L/N) young man?" Asked recovery girl making her way to a reunion with principal Nezu.

Chisaki merely sended a death glare at her before scoffing and returning his supposed 'attention' on his book.

"Rude as always." Mumbled the older woman shooking her head in disbelief.

Before he could finally be emerged on his book, a knock on the door was hearded, and Chisaki felt his worries go away immediately when he saw your figurine carring two mugs carefully.

"I know I'm late, but lecture today was almost impossible since my students were anxious about their grades. And I may have made a bit too much tea to calm down my nerves." You smiled sitting on a chair in front of his desk and offering him one mug.

"Served?"

"Gladly." He brushed his gloved fingers with your skin, which sended a wave of shiver in his intere body.

He choosed to ignore it and just drink it in peace. At least you gave him a excuse for being late.

"Rough day?" You asked as soon as you finished sipping on your tea.

"Not as much. Students have been more careful and choosing to go to recovery girl instead." He blantly said before taking another sip of his own tea "Less sick brats and teachers for me to take care of."

You laughed, almost spilling your tea, but luckily you had put your mug down and swallowed the hit drink before the worse could happen.

Chisaki himself felt a rush of warm spread on his cheeks but before he could evict, he let out his own chuckle... your laugh was just so adorable and yet so catching that he couldn't help himself.

Your eyes immediately went wide open as your jaw dropped. When he finally oppened his eyes, he immediately built his wall up, already waiting for the worst.

"What?" He asked bitterly.

"It's the first time I heard you laugh." You smiled brightly at him "In fact its the first time I even got a chance to know that you're happy! It's difficult to see it when you're so serious and wears this mask all the time you know?" He scoffed, choosing to look down at his hot tea.

"So what if?" He asked in a arrogant tone, bringing his mug to another sip as he closed his eyes, not really expecting a answer.

"Well, it's adorable." He choked on his tea in surprise and started to cough.

"Woah! You're okay there?" You went to pat his back but he stopped you with one his hands; silently demanding distance; while the other slapped his chest a couple of times.

"Sorry, no touching, I forgot." He finally recuperated and breath in slowly to catch his breath.

"You're okay?" You asked giggling when he glared down at you.

"Get out of my office."

"It's not an office Chisaki." You started to laugh at seing his ears turning pink as he pointed at the door.

"Get out of my infirmary then, visit time is over." You laughed at his irritation and with hands up to your chest in surrender, you started to make your way towards the door.

"Okay okay sir! Can I at least pick my-"

"No."

"Alright, a present for you then. See ya tomorrow on the same time!" You giggled when you heard him scoffing.

He groaned when he returned sitting down on his chair as he rubbed at his dark brow hair.

He looked at the black mug in front of him and carefully passed the point of his fingers through it.

"A gift...from you..." he mumbled, ignoring the fact that he was smilling like a idiot at such stupid yet so endearing action of yours.

~

The first thing he hearded was your gasp coming from the door frame of the tiny bathroom of the infirmary.

"Chisaki what happened?!" You asked with desperation as you took steps closer to the man, whose his uncovered nose was bleeding along with a few cuts and purple marks covering his jaw and the left side of his face.

"(L/N) it's nothing to worry about." He numbly said as he tried to pick his black mask again.

"Nothing to worry about your ass Chisaki! You're bleeding!" You grapped his wrist which he flinched and pushed him out of the bathroom to force him to sit on a chair.

"How dare you-" he growled but soon stopped at seing the raged look you carried in your eyes as you picked a first aid kit.

You sitted in front of him and picked a pair of gloves and quickly wear them before grabbing a puff of cotton with alcohol and pressed gently at his cuts and wiped away his blood.

He winced at first, but soon relaxed and just let you be, as he looked down at both of your feets on the ground.

"Kai..." you called "Who are the persons doing this? It's not the first time I catch you injured. Please, I'm actually begging here."

He stayed in silence, not daring to look at your (E/C) eyes... he couldn't understand why you were so worried about... him. Him, out of all people, didn't you know who he was? Were you that dumb? Or just as antisocial as he was?

"Don't you know who I am?" He sighed the words which made your actions immediately stop.

"Chisaki Kai. The nurse of this school. Why?" He finally looked at you, a mixture of disbelief and irritation.

"Don't play dumb with me. You know who I am. You know I'm from the yakusa. You know how dangerous I can be. You know how hated I am." He growled animalistic, noticing the way you retreated a little, but your face still calm as ever.

"What the hell are your intentions on acting like this? Answer me, now." He demanded in a dark tone.

You sighed putting the kit aside and crossing your arms and putting one leg over the other.

"So? I already had knowledge of who you was and are, right. But can't I be at least respectful or even like your company? I mean, its not like everyone in this building is a saint or something like that."

His eyes softened a little before he looked down and bringed his hands up to his hair.

"I can't understand you... yet I'm... dammit.."

"Do you want me to go..?" You asked, not really wanting to go, but still respecting his decisions.

He shook his head with his hands still planted on his hair.

"... do you want a hug?" He jerked back up and looked at you dead in the eye with anger.

"Just offering! Calm down!" You lift your hands in defence.

He thought for a few seconds before sighing...

"I'm calm." He standed up and went to the bathroom again closing the door.

You looked over at his desk and couldn't help but smile and blush at seing the black mug standing there, perfectly clean and shinning through the lights of the infirmary.

When will he notice..?

~

You walked through the halls in search of Chisaki, since he wasn't in the infirmary, and recovery girl also having no idea where he was, since he was gone to grab a few supplies that were missing and didn't come back for an hour by now...

You eyes widened when you saw one guard and even one teacher of the third year cornering him on a wall as he only looked with his usual empty eyes and irritated face as he wiped away the blood dripping from his mouth.

"You two sick people already done? I'm going to be late for my work." He received a punch on the jaw as a answer as they went for even more.

"Guess not huh?" He grunted.

"HEY!" you screamed running in their direction and yanking the teacher away from Chisaki and standing at his front to provide any punches the guard could give.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" you shouted angrily at them, making both go wide eyed.

"Miss (L/N) please calm down-" the teacher tried to reason but you just got more infuriated.

"CALM DOWN?! LOOK AT WHAT YOU TWO WERE DOING TO HIM!"

"(L/N), he is dangerous, if we don't keep him grounded he may try to-"

"Are you trying to tell me you've been treating him like a wild animal since WHEN?!" Both flinched at your tone and even Chisaki widened his eyes in surprise.

"You know you two are no better than him if you beat him up for nothing?! I don't care if Principal Nezu fire me for this, but if I ever catch any of you or your partners even daring to touch him, I will give you a punch so hard that will make you bastards go straight TO THE MOON!" you pointed furiously at the direction of the exit "GET OUT OF MY SIGN. NOW!"

Both made their ways pretty quickly out, as you took a couple of breaths to calm your self down. When you turned to be in his front you saw Chisaki staring at you with wide golden eyes.

"You're okay? Did they did more than this?" You asked worriedly, containing your urge to hold his upper arms in a form of comfort.

He tried to form words but he was just in shock... you could lose your job for that scandal you just throw and yet you yelled at the top of your lungs at your coworkers... protecting him, defending him even...

"Come on." You signal for him to go to the infirmary before Aizawa got out of his class and looked worriedly and in guard at both of you.

"(L/N)? Did something happened?" You only waved him off and said you could explain later as you grabbed Chisaki's hand, who for once didn't flinch, and lead the way to the infirmary.

When you both arrived, recovery girl wasn't there anymore.

Chisaki numbly stayed on his feet as you looked for the first aid kit.

"You will be late for your class..." he monotonously pointed it out, not really wanting you to go.

"Is English class now. Mic is taking care of then..."

"Right... the noisy one..." you approached him and he stopped your actions to threat his injury.

"Chisaki can you please not be so stu-"

"Kai... calm me Kai." He numbly said, still looking down at his feet.

"Y-Your first name? Ok. If you want to. But still-"

"I..." he interrupted you again, looking hesitant to even finish his sentence "I think I will... accept that offer now... if you wouldn't mind."

"Huh? What offer?" You confusely looked up at him.

He for once looked at your eyes, like a kicked puppy, before he enveloped his arms on you as he buried his face on the crook of your neck.

He was even surprised that he didn't felt the urge to pull back or even felt disgusted at the contact, instead a warm feeling of comfort and safety enveloping him. Comproving his theory...

He was in love with you... he felt good with your presence near him... he felt for once loved and cared...

His tears started to fall silently when he felt the gentle pressure of your fingers in his scalp, carresing gently his head in comfort.

"It's okay Kai."

He felt... for once... safe and sound... the first and every time he felt good about being vulnerable in front of someone...

#overhaul x reader #overhaul scenario #fanfic overhaul #chisaki kai imagine scenario #kai chisaki x reader #chisaki kai x reader #bnha imagine #bnha characters #bnha villains #bnha x reader #bnha #my writing #zuffer writings #holy shit #way too long #WAY TOO LONG #nurse chisaki

[bluehhj]

listen to me — chapter 34

LISTEN TO ME — 0034

listen to me masterlist;

WORDS: 2K

— "Jade!" — Chan arrived scolding, not caring that the american was still standing in the same place, as if she had been petrified by her own guilt. The party was still going on as usual, but it was obvious that neither of them — four of them, because Josh and Kirsten were still present — were willing to stay in this mess. — "What the hell did you do? Are you crazy?!"

— "When I told you to fix your life, I wasn't referring to any of this!" — Kirsten was also angry with Josh. — "Now tell me what your prize was, 'cause I think if you have the least sense you're not happy with what just happened because of you!"

Josh, in fact, wasn't smiling or showing any sign of satisfaction. Although alcohol could almost boil in his blood, he knew that his moment of weakness had been the biggest mistake he could have made that night, for besides losing Jade's friendship — he was sure it was irrevocable —, now he would also have to bear the blame for causing her to collapse.

Jade was lost in her own rubble, and Josh, being so in love with the girl, couldn't be feeling worse seeing her that way, but it was late and only regrets didn't fix anything. So he ignored his best friend's words and walked away in silence. Maybe his absence would be less worse.

Kirsten looked at Chan, who wasn't sure how to proceed either. And though that moment was far from propitious, she was surprised by a slight tingling in the pit of her stomach as his eyes met hers, obligingly having to disguise her dizzy face with a throat clearing.

— "Sorry 'bout that." — she said, her soft voice entering his ears like the chords of angels' harps.

— "You're not to blame for anything." — Chan felt like an idiot for blushing, it was just a pair of beautiful eyes staring at him as if could read his soul, puff, no big deal! He just didn't start to curl up because Jade suddenly woke up from her trance state and ran toward the exit. — "Bye, I'm going after her."

— "Bye." — she smiled almost imperceptibly and watched him follow Jieun's path. Then she shook her head negatively, as if some thought was scared away. She sighed and said to herself just before turning her back: — "He's too much for you, Kirsten."

Jade used all her willpower to ignore the high percentage of alcohol in her body and focused on finding Changbin. When she finally got out of the mansion and the cold night air hugged her body, she stopped and scrutinized the vast garden that stretched to the main gates, but saw no trace of Seo anywhere. No one told her it would be easy, after all. Determined to run the neighborhood — or the entire city, if necessary —, the american resumed her search, but was intercepted by Yoorim when she was halfway there.

— "Unnie, no." — Heo already knew what had happened and was a little upset about the situation, given that she liked Jade and Changbin's friendship, although it was recent, and couldn't help but mourn them both. — "You're not fine, it's not a good idea to talk to him now."

— "Where did he go?" — the older one asked in a deep voice, completely ignoring Yoorim's last speech.

— "I don't know."

— "Oh, no." — Chan whimpered as he managed to reach them. He knew how impulsive Changbin could be when he was angry, and he didn't want to have been so afraid of the possibilities of what could happen, since he left alone. — "He didn't even give a clue where he was going?"

— "Hyunjin's with him, don't worry." — Yoorim answered, to Bang's relief, and took a car key out of her pants pocket. — "Here, Changbin asked me to give you. I don't think he will want to go back to your house today..."

— "But I have to talk to him." — Jade started crying. — "I didn't want to kiss Josh, I swear. I don't even know what happened, when I saw I had already done-..." — the sobs interrupted her speech and she covered her red face with her hands. Chan bit the inside of his cheek and, soft-hearted as he was, patted her back lovingly.

— "You're still too drunk to have a serious talk with Changbin, you better leave it for tomorrow."

— "But-..."

— "He's right." — Yoorim intervened, gently uncovering Jieun's face. — "It will only make things worse."

— "And isn't that already horrible enough?" — Jade sniffed and turned her reddened, pleading gaze on the younger. It worked like that old saying: what is a fart for someone who was already shit himself? — "Put yourself in my place, you would also want to do the same."

Yoorim sought Chan's face; then, the two had a silent, hesitant conversation that seemed to last for hours for the american, until Bang let out an audible sigh and grabbed her wrist while Heo unlocked the phone to find out Hyunjin's whereabouts.

— "First you'll eat a lot of sugar and drink a lot of water to alleviate this inebriation." — he said and started leading Jade back to the mansion. — "Then we'll try to fix all this shit."

Although Kang wanted to settle her issues at that very moment, she wasn't in the condition of retorting, for it was infinitely better to spend a few minutes recovering her sanity than to let the drink further ruin her relationship — or what was left of it.

                                     ♡˖°

Jisung and Jinah's lull was enviable.

The two got into the boy's car and continued talking all the way to the selected diner, hardly caring what music played on the radio or the intensity of the wind coming through the open windows of the vehicle. The subjects were, for the most part, random and casual, something that was becoming more and more common in their dates. Easy laughter, jokes and the few acidic tumbles that came up eventually couldn't be missed, and both could say, with the certainty of the world, that no grandiose party could replace that moment. Jinah and Jisung had their own party, even if it was chattering in a moving car or smearing with sauces and hamburgers with french fries. As long as they had each other, especially being out of town to contemplate the true glow of the constellations, they needed nothing more.

— "Have you ever come here?" — Choi broke the silence for a few minutes. They were sitting on the hood of the car, their backs against the windshield, their hands entwined and their eyes fixed on the starry immensity above their bodies. Too much peace required no dialogue, but, even so, Jisung loved to hear Jinah's voice.

— "No. But I always thought it would be a good place to visit at night."

It was complete loneliness, not even a manifestation of civilization around them. The only ones responsible for them seeing something were the flashing headlights. On another occasion, maybe Jinah might fear such a dark, but, with Jisung by her side, she felt like the most protected person in the world.

— "It's beautiful..." — she whispered, still looking at all the bright spots in the dark sky. Somehow, the crickets' singing made things so much more relaxing.

— "It really is." — Jisung agreed, but his focus now was on the girl's face. Jinah, realizing, smiled and kissed his lips lightly. She was feeling so, but so happy, that she was certain that nothing in the world could destroy the magnitude of the feeling.

— "Thanks." — she thanked in an even lower intonation, and wasn't just talking about the snacks or the unexpected visit to that little piece of paradise. Jisung understood.

— "I'm the one who should thank here." — he replied, caressing one of the girl's cheeks as if her face were the most valuable work of art in the world. — "If I had known that having you in my life was so good, I wouldn't have taken so long.

— "Jisung" — Jinah uttered his name in a mixture of broad smile and bright eyes. It was unheard of for Choi that fire inside her chest, but the sensation became so strong and inexplicable with every second that she never wanted it to leave. — "As long as you don't let me out of it, that's fine with me."

— "I wouldn't be crazy." — Han accompanied her in the smile. — "Can I call you my girlfriend?"

It wasn't a cliché request, with flowers, blatant statements and all, but, for Jinah, it couldn't have been more perfect, since everything that came from Jisung seemed perfectly and exactly to her.

— "Should have been calling for a long time," — she replied with an even bigger smile than before, but it wasn't like she was doing it alone.

The dialogues were once again set aside, replaced by passionate kisses this time. They still had an entire galaxy to explore, but the night was long, no need to hurry.

                                     ♡˖°

Jade barely waited for Chan to stop the car in front of Hyunjin's house and was already exasperated. Yoorim had called her boyfriend and the boy had said that Changbin needed a quiet place to put his disoriented thoughts on the axis; so, Hwang didn't think twice before offering his house and, as a toast, a friendly shoulder in case he wanted to shed some tears. Jade was relieved to know that Seo was at least in good company, but that didn't lessen her distress. Almost completely sober, all the american wanted was to wake up from this nightmare.

Sitting on one of the living room sofas, concentrated on the irrelevant rug, Changbin had already cried all his waterline could bear. He was supposed to be feeling the worst person in the world, but not even the largest dictionary had enough bad adjectives to explain what was going on inside his shattered mind and heart. Beside him, Hyunjin bit his lip nervously. He hadn't told Seo why Yoorim had called him minutes ago, but he knew that Jade was persistent and was on her way, perhaps to star in a third world war. He hadn't heard Kang's side of the story yet, but hoped things weren't as bad as they seemed.

Hyunjin was taken from his apprehensive thoughts as the door opened and a long-haired hurricane entered. He, then, braced himself for the screams; Changbin bursting out, Jade trying to explain herself to no avail, the two crying, perhaps even trying to kill each other, but all that could be heard in that quiet room was Jieun's sobs. Changbin remained indifferent like an ice stone.

— "Changbin" — Jade sat next to him, saying everything with huge difficulty. Chan and Yoorim also entered the house, but didn't dare interrupt anything. — "I swear it wasn't my intention to kiss Josh. I don't even know how it happened right. He just started talking to me and, suddenly, you were already there! I know this explanation sounds very fake, but believe me, please! I've never been so honest in my life!"

Changbin waited for her to finish saying and crying all she wanted. He didn't look into her eyes for a millisecond, just heard her voice, and, when she was done, she kept silence as if this were his best friend.

— "Say something!" — Jade begged, squeezing his arm. Every second without a reaction was agonizing, and it was only after what seemed like an hour that Changbin finally blew something out of his mouth.

— "We have nothing more to talk about."

Kang scowled. Never, in their three years of relationship, nor in their worst fights, had Changbin given her such a cold, emotionless voice. It was as if each syllable could cut through her skin, so sharp they were.

— "But-..."

— "There's no but" — Changbin stared at her for the first time, and Jieun wished he hadn't even done so, for if only his intonation had destroyed her, his eyes, then, did her a thousand times worse. — "Just get out of my life, because I don't care about continuing in yours."

And there was no need for anything else to be said.

(a/n: stfu i'm very sad

but in compensation the next chapter is really 🌚🌚 or not cause jinah and jisung here don't fuck, jinah and jisung here make love

and well, guesses about what will happen to changeun? reaffirming what i said above, i'm very sad but do what ehhh. it's still good that the au's happy, when the sadness really comes i don't even want to see. and it seems that i say this to scare you guys but it's not sdsjkhsdjkkjklhj i just wanna make a preparation or it'll be a lot of knife flying right in my face.

and guys, i'm so sorry, i didn't post anything, but it's because i'm really busy with college projects, like, this shit is really fcking hard, and i need to increase my grades or i’ll be fucked up sjsjksjdsjh laughing not to cry. and i still have to work, then it's hard, right? but in the meantime, i managed to write a few more chapters for LTM, so don't worry, ok? ily and take care~

AND Y’ALL BETTER STREAM ADIOS OK? OK. IT’S A FUCKING ANTHEM, OR AS YOU GUYS SAY, A B O P. 

STAN EVERGLOW Y’ALL)

#stray kids #skz #stray kids au #skz au #stray kids angst #skz angst #stray kids fics #skz fics #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #stray kids reactions #stray kids scenarios #skz scenarios #stray kids smut #skz smut #multifandom #bang chan #woojin #minho #changbin #hyunjin #han #jisung #seungmin #felix #jeongin #kpop #kpop au

[dorotheajanegilmore]

Devil’s Daughter

Previous: 1 , 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,

Chapter seven

I had been staying with the Winchester's for just over two weeks now. My purple case looked great against the brown walls of the guest room, really made it feel like home.

The first night I stayed at the bunker (Before visiting parents in NY)

"Sorry it's so plain." Sam has said when he first brought me in here.

I shrugged. "It's much better than my dorm."

He chuckled and nodded. "Yeah I know how ya feel. Stanford."

"NYU." I admitted and he nodded with an impressed face. "Creative writing."

"Law."

I cringed. "Smarty pants."

Instantly an attractive smile broke out across his face and he shook his head, blushing wildly. "No. I never graduated."

"I don't think I will either, at least not yet." I told him truthfully.

"I hope that decision isn't because of us? I know how it feels to have your studies cut short and if I could go back..." Sam paused before he shook his head, laughing at himself. "I actually wouldn't go back."

I laughed at his honestly and shook my head. "No, I've been contemplating dropping out for a while. This whole angels exhausting and paternity testing is just the push I needed."

"Right." Sam wondered over to the bed and sat down beside me. He looked at me with a face of concern. "How are you feeling? Honestly."

"Honestly?" I asked and he nodded. I let out a deep breath, letting my shoulder sink. "I feel...like it's not real. I haven't thought about too deeply or really acknowledged it properly. I know that's not healthy but I just don't know how to accept this. My family life has always been rocky, my mother hates me."

Sam recoiled and pulled an offended face, as if I had just delivered a blow to his stomach. "I'm sure she doesn't hate you." I knew that his situation was difficult at the moment. Dean told me that their mother was trapped in some sort of apocalypse world.

"Don't defend her, I promise. You'll see tomorrow, she hates me." I emphasised it again but he shook his head, not having it. I decided to just continue because there was no way in changing his mind. "So, how did Dean recover so quickly? Those guys tortured him too."

Sam shifted on the bed and adjusted his watch on his wrist. He was clearly uncomfortable the way he was sat because his legs are way longer than mine and even my legs ached. We were both sat criss cross and I couldn't take it any longer.

I moved to sit at the edge of the bed, Sam sighing in relief and copying me as he answered. "Castiel healed him. Dean was supposed to save you from those guys but they ended up injecting and torturing him too. Demons aren't really fond of us, we've made a name for ourselves as hunters and they didn't know he was working with Crowley."

I nodded understandingly. I bit the inside of my cheek as I thought about asking the next question. My curiosity got the better of me and so I asked. "Did you, do you and Dean think I'm evil?"

Sam thought for a moment, before gently taking my smaller hand in his larger one. "I won't lie to you. When Rowena told us that Lucifer had a daughter and we needed her help...I definitely believed you to be evil. I thought that we were gonna find you at a bar murdering people or eating babies." Sam laughed at that last part.

“Why eating babies?" I tilted my head to look at him, confused as to where he'd get that from.

"Because ya'know, Lilith eats babies? At least in mythology and all of my text books-"

As Sam rambled on I looked down at the ground. I had forgot about Lilith being my true mother, I was so busy worrying about the devil I forgot about his first demon.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." Sam put a gentle hand on my shoulder and I shook my head.

"It's not your fault, Sam. I just can't believe I'm not a product of Christian and Rose. That Hallie and Alex aren't my blood related siblings. They'll always be my family, regardless of what a test says but I had that I don't have an actual connection to them. I hate that my blood isn't their blood. I hate that my blood is...evil." I sobbed as the word evil left my mouth.

Sam shook his head and wrapped his big arms around me, pulling me into him for a supporting hug. I cried into his red plaid chest as he held me tight. "You're not evil, Elle."

"You don't (hicup) know that!" I shook my head, feeling him hold me tighter. He began to rub his palm up and down my back, as if he was soothing a crying baby.

"No I don't, you're right. But if raising Jack has taught me anything, it's that we can't make quick assumptions."

———

Present day

(Two weeks living in the bunker)

I sat in the library with a book under my nose. Every waking moment of the passed week has been spent reading up on Lucifer, and learning my powers.

So far I have discovered my psionic energy blasts can be used in blasts, streams, waves and bolts to move things, lift and even throw things. Allowing me to hit, push or pull a target, potentially exerting enough force to destroy them. I had also improved my telepathy, I can control when to and when not to listen to thoughts so I could actually focus now.

As I was reading about Lucifer's cage I felt a presence enter the room. I was already on edge from all of the reading, Satan's not a happy guy. Feeling threatened I spotted a pair of scissors on the end of the table and used my new found powers to lift them up and send them at the person watch me.

As I span around, hands glowing red I realised who it was. Dean was stood at the door with wide eyes and hands held up in the air alarmed.

The blade of the scissors, surrounded by red wisps, hovered just inches away from his neck.

"I didn't mean to scare you, little red." He pushed the scissors away with his index finger. They landed in the floor with a snap and I sighed in relief.

"Dean, sorry about that." I felt immediate relief, so happy that it was him and not some creature I had been reading about. I cringed, hoping he wouldn't be to mad at me. "I'm reading about monsters so I'm a bit on edge.

"A bit?" He smirked, amused. He pulled out a seat opposite me at the table and sat down. "Is that why I was nearly executed in my own home?"

I nodded and slid the book over to him. I pointed at a paragraph and he quickly skimmed over it. It said;

The powers of a nephilim would be to great to raise such a creature on earth among mortals. A human woman could never contain a baby nephilim for very long as it could tear them apart. A nephilim will grow at rapid speeds, much faster than a human woman's body could contain. Once born a nephilim will reach adulthood within a matter of hours.

"Yeah." Dean nodded, confirming that the information in front of me was in fact correct. "Jack was born and within twenty minutes he looked like he was twenty years old.

"So how come I have baby photos? Actual picture evidence of me growing through the years. Every birthday party photo shows a year of progression. Am I slow? Am I broken?"

Dean chuckled at my outburst and shook his head. "Elle, there's never been an angel, demon cocktail baby. You're the first. Perhaps Lilith's genes are much slower."

"Or." Came a Scottish voice from the doorway. Rowena stood with a mischievous smile on her face as she danced her way over to the table.

"Perhaps I did a wee spell to aid in your human growth. I was there when Lucifer chose your parents and he made sure that Rose would be strong enough to encapsulate you for nine months, not to raise your relatives eyebrows at a two month unholy pregnancy. The spell made sure that Lucifer's child would grow as a normal human until she reached adulthood, then her powers would slowly blossom. That's why it's important that we found you." She lifted her martini up as if to cheers us before taking a large sip.

"I thought you want me to put him in a cage?" I raised a brow, wondering why she was adding to her story now.

Rowena shrugged. "That’s for the after party. Once we’ve rescued Mary from the apocalypse world, you and Jackie boy can work together to put him in a new cage, a stronger sturdier cage. Come on, had I told you this earlier you would’ve been overwhelmed and scared away. We need you, Red.”

Dean shook his head and pushed the book away. "Damn it, Rowena! Any other information you'd care to share?"

Rowena bit her lip and tapped her finger against her chin in thought. ”Aside from Lucifer wanting Jack and Elle back? No, not that I can think off.”

Next: 7

Tags: @lilulo-12 @vicmc624

#dean winchester #dean winchester fic #dean winchester x ofc #x ofc #x reader #imagine #fanfic #fanfiction #spn #supernatural #sam winchester #castiel #rowena #lucifer #mary winchester #dean winchester x reader

[aithne]

(Illume) Indecent Proposals

Tomika woke up to the door creaking open. It couldn't have been that long since she'd been dumped there, in the bottom of a ship. She turned now to find him closing the door. Just him. She supposed he was pretty safe now, with her hands manacled behind her back and her mind jogged of any further surprises. There was one thing she knew he respected. After all, why else did the Scorpion spend hours dragging her blindfolded to this spot?

The bastard smiled cheerfully at her and pulled up a chair a few feet away. He sat there for a couple minutes, apparently determining how to question her. She hoped her nerves weren't showing. He wasn't particularly good at this, but she was beaten and helpless. The breath reluctantly wheezed out of her, and her beautiful auburn hair was bedraggled with dirt, sweat and her own blood. Nothing is good training for this. She *knew* that she was safe for now, and she tried to tell herself this over and over. And at least she wasn't in a full panic yet.

She tried to think of something else. Funitsu. What a stupid name! She supposed it makes sense if you're a Scorpion, but it didn't really sound like a name they would use, either. Not enough sibilants. So, Soshi Funitsu would like to question her? Well, he could try. She leered at her silent interrogator. He was very...black: black cloak, black shirt - no, on further inspection that's stylized armor, likely black leather, black pants, black boots, long black hair. No black mask - that was probably a vanity. In better light she remembered some red trim, probably to achieve the effect of more black. Yes, this was working. He had better get started or she would lose what respect she never had for him.

On cue, "I know what you said about the blood war, and you must believe that precautions are being made even as we speak. Now I'll tell you this. You won't die today, but every day is a new one with new decisions..." He paused, then: "So... tell me about your family. What are they like?"

Odd question. "My family is a long line of nobles that have led the Crane clan from the very beginning."

"What's your family name?"

She told him. Yes, she could see his eyes pop a little. Maybe she had two things on him. She could practically hear that most noble of mathematics working in his head.

Now she was increasingly aware for years now, and Funitsu knew enough to pull it together with a couple of names, but for the genealogically deficient, here it is at its briefest. Crane clan had become a quiet joke the past couple years. There had been about a dozen assassinations taking place amongst their head daimyo and leading heirs. A couple families had been disgraced and stripped of their lands. The most probable culprit of all this shuffling was likely the current Great Daimyo, Arenro, whose own father died just twelve days ago in a riding accident and whose elder brother disappeared the same day. This was the same Arenro, Akechi's magician and betrayer. His trademark was all over Hideoyoshi's coup, only eight days ago now. Now Arenro had a younger brother as well, who had a daughter named Tomika. A year ago this was minor trivia. Now, she, Tomika, beloved daughter, skilled wu jen, destined to be daimyo of a little county in central Japan, was third in line to be Head Lady of the Crane Clan.

Funitsu breathed, "Yeah, minor noble." Then, "I recognize your family. It has been quite upwardly mobile as of late. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

She frowned, "Word is that Arenro became interested in leadership."

He grinned, "Have I told you, Lady, that you have a great talent for understatement."

"But you should know that it was the scorpion clan. The Black Hand assassins are rumored to be involved."

"Every time there's an assassination, who gets blamed? Yes, I'm sure some left behind trade-marks, but that still means nothing. Assassins are pretty independent, regardless of how much they pay for guild dues." Funitsu smiled, "It appears that it would be a great tragedy for you to die even tomorrow. For not only would our families be fighting, but I'd be out a very large ransom."

Tomika stared back at him blankly, "I doubt that Arenro would even consider a ransom. What does he care if another rival is reduced to dust?"

"Arenro? Probably not. He wouldn't ransom his own mother, would he? Surely there's someone else? Your life may depend on it."

"My father would be your only choice for a ransom, but I would hurry if I were you. His opposition to Arenro grows by the day. But do not doubt that Arenro would consider my death a reason for retribution to the Scorpion clan. He has lusted for their power for years."

"Curious. What's in this for you? You don't seem too fond of Arenro, and does your father approve of what you were doing?"

She bristled at this. "You too are bound by honor and loyalty to the clan. If you had such orders would you betray them and be hunted by your clan for as long as you live?

Funitsu looked startled. "Yes, of course." He paused to contemplate, and then with another thought, "Lady, do you seriously enjoy twisting the spirits of the dead into cursed shadows!?"

"No I don't, but it was them or me. How many people have your people killed for the good of clan, you who train assassins?"

"And I don't. Fine. Your point is made. It was not a fair question, and I take it back." He leaned forward, "So, if you would, what was the general plan? You were to create an army of shadows under your control, and...?"

"...destroy Kyoto and turn any that followed Akechi into creatures to be feared. And afterwards to use said beings in Nakasura's army."

"...and there's another, the one making nezumi for you. Another cousin?"

She sighed, "No, not even a noble; just a Crane trained wu jen."

"Named?"

"Kasa."

"And he is where? Or she?"

"He," she clarified. "He is located on the command ship of the blockade."

Funitsu winced, "He is always at sea?"

"No, he gets very sea sick and in rough water retreats to a dwelling on the beach."

He grinned, mouthing "Peasants." Then, "I imagine that he is set up there for his transmutations. Sounds rather inefficient to be ferrying people in and out all the time."

"It is, and he spends some time every day on the beach dwelling. And yes he is quite the offensive peasant. He smells of fish."

Funitsu collapsed on the floor laughing. He rolled around on his side to face her. "And rats probably."

"Yes, vile creatures. At least the shadows have no smell and are also a lovely shade of black, causing fear in the eye of peasants everywhere. The nezumi just swarm and then eat parts of their victims. Disgusting really."

Funitsu took this interesting comparison in stride like the elitist bastard he is, and continued to question. "What is there for defense in the region. Nezumi patrols?"

"Minimal, I would suspect. He depends greatly on his own skills and a few of his nezumi. The samurai aboard dislike the wu jen as most samurai do."

Funitsu frowned, "I think I'm developing more and more respect for our little wu jen. He at least has a talent for caution."

Tomika sneered, "We are wu jen, smarter than any peasant and most nobles. Present company excepted."

He seemed surprised to find himself lying on the floor and got up. "I'll try to find you something to eat if you like." Funitsu turned to leave, and then had another thought, "You have no idea what we should do with you then, Lady?"

"Your position is unenviable. If you turn me loose or ransom me, I have to report back to Crane clan, and if you kill me, you start a war. Unless you have another option."

He paused. Then, "There is...one. Lady Tomika, you might find it an extremely indecent proposal..."

"You wouldn't?" she breathed.

He grinned mischievously, "I think I rather like you."

"You can't be serious."

"Well, that's a good response, anyway. More heartwarming than 'Never!' at least. I merely suggest it as another option." Funitsu frowned, and added, "And I hardly expect this is the time or place to ask such a thing.... So, if you would, ask me a question back."

"Why?"

Funitsu was growing more and more uncomfortable. He was rather cute that way. "If only to make yourself feel less like a prisoner, but it's your choice."

There was a long silence, interrupted by the sounds of the boat rocking. He became resigned and started to turn away when she interrupted, "What a way to propose! With my hands tied behind my back." Tomika continued, "What do you get out of it?"

Funitsu chuckled, "You're right. This isn't how tutor told me to do it. What do I get out of it? I get to delay or prevent a war that Arenro has been preparing for years and the Scorpion will have been preparing for days. I get to prevent yet one more calamity from happening on my watch. And, well, you are third in line for Crane Clan, are you not?"

She sighed, "You are right and if it hurts Arenro, I accept. I expect a very large bride-price, though."

"I can...conceive of the property involved. It will be appropriate somehow. Your father? He's at Tochigi-Ken?"

"Yes. In Oyama."

He moved over behind her. "May I?" Tomika agreed of course, and he removed her shackles. As she was rubbing her wrists he circled and gave a low bow. "I will see that we find better arrangements for you. Unfortunately, our current betrothment will most likely raise the ire of my companions. You do understand that you will have to be confined for the near future?"

She shrugged wanly.

"Ok, I'm off then. I'll see about some refreshment and possibly...new clothes?"

Another shrug.

He bowed again and left, locking the door behind him.

#so queued #gaming recaps: illume #D&D recap

[captainlilyuniverseworld]

Captain America VS The Winter Soldier: Fight For Tony Stark

A/N: So I want to apologize for an extremely overdue next installment in this series. I got a bit sidetracked and wasn’t sure of a few things, and with the cliffhanger from the last part, I didn’t want things to take a dive. But I’ve got part 6 and while it doesn’t address the cliffhangers well...you’ll see. 

As always thanks to the anon who requested this idea and I hope you like it! 

Part 1:  Part 2: Part 3:  Part 4:  Part 5:

Part 6

“Morning Steve-o,” Tony greeted as he strolled into the kitchen.

“Morning…” Steve replied as Tony made his way to the coffee pot. He looked back at the paper as Bucky walked in a couple moment’s later and all but plastered himself to Tony’s back. Metal arm around his waist and chin resting on Tony’s shoulder as the shorter man started to make Bucky his own cup of coffee.

Steve swallowed down the feelings of jealousy and longing that tried to lodge themselves in his throat and tried to focus on the meager headlines dotting the paper.

“Ugh, get a room,” Natasha scoffed as she walked into the kitchen.

“Technically, this is my room, as I own the building,” Tony told her. He grabbed Bucky’s arm and guided him to the kitchen table where they sat down. Tony seemed perfectly content to let Bucky manhandle him until he was astride the man’s lap, fingers flying over the keys of his phone.

Natasha rolled her eyes and fixed herself her own cup of coffee. Steve finished off his own, if it was faster than usual no one said anything and put it in the sink before turning to walk out of the kitchen.

“Meeting with Fury in an hour right?”

Steve paused and looked over at Tony. The other had twisted around in Bucky’s hold and was looking at Steve for an answer.

“Yeah…” Steve nodded a little.

Tony gave him a thumbs up and turned back around and picked up his coffee cup. Steve turned on his heel and started to walk down the hall to the elevator to go to his floor.

“There a reason why you're pouting buckaroo?” Tony asked as he walked out of his closet. He finished straightening his tie and faced the mirror.

“Do you have to go to the meeting?” Bucky asked.

“Fury is foaming at the mouth because I've been neglecting my duties. Something about not having spent enough time fixing the jets or something, I tuned out after a couple minutes,” he sat down to put on his shoes. “Promise you'll have me all to yourself later tonight.”

“Are you gonna talk to Steve?” He asked.

“Are you?” Tony looked at Bucky.

Bucky scrubbed a hand down his face. “Yeah. Yeah, I should.”

Tony nodded. “I'm gonna talk to him after the meeting with Fury.”

Bucky caught him by the tie and pulled him in for a kiss and Tony let out a soft groan as Bucky playfully bit his lip and sucked.

“Oh, you’re a very bad man James,” Tony breathed as he braced his hands on the bed in order to lean into the kiss.

Bucky smirked and let go of him. “Don’t keep me waiting Stark. Might have to start without you.” He winked and Tony swallowed down the moan at the mental image that presented.

“So very very bad,” Tony repeated.

Bucky just gave him a smile and rolled off the bed, his sweats hanging low on his hips as he walked to the bathroom.

“Pull yourself together Stark,” he muttered under his breath. He straightened his tie as he stepped out of the room and took the elevator down to the garage.

Steve was already down, partially straddling a sleek Ducati Diavel, one leg resting just in front of the kickstand. He changed into a pair of blue jeans and a long-sleeved grey sweater with a light jacket thrown on top.

His hair was a bit longer and he was starting to sport a beard. Tony wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. Though, it wouldn’t really matter if he liked it or not would it?

“I’ll be out of your way in a minute,” Steve told him when he spotted Tony.

Tony winced at the dejected tone and shook his head. “Not in my way...new bike?”

“Yeah...got her about a month ago,” Steve answered as he fiddled with the straps of his helmet.

“Yeah?” Tony walked over. “May I?”

Steve nodded and Tony ran his gaze over the bike. He let out an appreciative whistle as he looked at the modifications.

“Beautiful,” Tony complimented.

“Thanks…” Steve was looking at him now. “Added a couple of the modifications myself with Rhodey’s help.”

Tony swallowed and nodded. “Looks good...never pegged you for the mechanic type.”

“Picked up a few new skills while you were gone,” Steve shrugged.

“Course you did,” Tony nodded and let his fingers rest on the handlebars of the bike. “Do you uh, you uh...you wanna grab a bite after the meeting? Maybe...talk?”

“Talk?” Steve repeated.

Tony nodded. “Yeah. Talk. We should talk...clear the air a bit.”

“Okay...let's talk,” Steve nodded.

“Great. Usual place?” Tony asked.

“Usual place,” Steve agreed.

“So...you wanted to talk?” Steve asked. He handed Tony a drink as he sat down and leaned back in his chair.

Tony wrapped his hands around his drink. “You...hurt me Steve. You hurt me a lot and that pain...that pain is worse than anything I have ever felt in my entire life...But...I understand your reasons. I really do.”

“Tony…” Steve picked at the label on his beer.

“No, please let me finish,” Tony replied. “What you did for Bucky...I get it. You found out some bastards made your friend some evil assassin hell-bent on destroying the world and have scrambled his brains more times than you scramble your eggs for breakfast. I mean fifty times Steve?” he shook his head. “I’m getting off track.”

“Look, you love Bucky,” he continued. “You would do anything to help him.”

“I’d do anything to help you too,” Steve told him. “You know that Tony.”

“I know Steve...But you kept things from me, it’s different if you planned on actually telling me at some point what was going on, and...when you finally did try to tell me, I...tried to talk to you into doing something that probably would’ve made things worse...My accords-”

“Would’ve put leashes on us,” Steve interrupted.

“But we could’ve had them fixed Steve. We could’ve sat down as a team and picked it apart and put it back together. Or would you have preferred everyone get locked up in cells unable to actually do anything to protect themselves from becoming experiments?” Tony took a deep breath. “I don’t want to argue with you Steve. We both made mistakes, and...I can understand what you did, hell I applaud you for it Steve. You know me, never been one for just rolling over and taking it. It just...hurts that I wasn’t trusted enough to help. I felt like you didn’t have any trust in me.”

“Of course I trust you,” Steve reached across the table and took Tony’s hands into his. “Tony, I trust you with my life. You’re my teammate, and...and you were, are, the love of my life.”

Tony looked down at their joined hands. “You’re mine too Steve…” he flipped his hand over and started to intertwine their fingers together. He looked up at Steve and his chest clenched at the look of hopefulness in those blue eyes.

He swallowed thickly. “But I...I love Bucky too.”

“I see…” Steve let go of Tony’s hand and he wasn’t sure what hurt more. The sudden emptiness in his own chest, or the unreadable look on Steve’s face.

“Does Bucky know?” he asked.

“No...I haven’t found the courage to tell him yet,” Tony admitted. “I don’t even know if he feels the same way…”

“How could he not?” Steve’s smile was tight.

Tony took another deep breath, jeez he was doing that a lot wasn’t he, and exhaled slowly. “What...what do we do now?”

Steve shrugged. “Don’t know...should we...see someone?” He seemed hesitant to even offer the idea.

“I can see it now. Iron Man and Captain American to attend couple’s counseling, a psychiatrist’s one night tell-all special,” he deadpanned. “I’m sure that’d go over just as well as the accords did.”

“Tony I’m serious,” Steve clenched his hands. “You keep saying that I don’t trust you, or you can’t trust me. I can’t-” Steve took a shuddering breath, “I can’t live with myself knowing that you feel that way alright? We at least owe it to the rest of the team to try and fix things. I’m exhausted with everyone walking on eggshells around us, waiting for you or me to snap.”

“I...You’re right,” Tony nodded. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

Steve leaned back against his seat and dragged a hand through his hair. “I know we can’t go back. As much I keep hoping and praying, I know that’s never going to happen, but we can at least try to...be friends.”

Friends.

The word struck something inside Tony. Like the air had been punched out of his lungs and he couldn’t breathe right.

“Who...who did you have in mind?” Tony asked.

“I thought we could talk to Strange,” Steve answered.

“...You know he’s not that kind of doctor right?” Tony felt the need to point out.

“I know that Tony,” Steve sighed. “But he’s familiar with what happened, and he’s an outside third party who won’t pick sides.”

“True,” Tony picked up his drink. “Have you...talked to him?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, he said we could stop by when we’re free. We could go now…”

“Can’t, I’ve uh, I’ve got plans with Bucky. We’re going to this sushi place, he’s never had it before,” Tony answered. “Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow,” Steve repeated. “I’ll let him know.”

Tony drained the rest of his drink and set the glass aside as he stood. He left a few bills on the table to pay and looked down as Steve wrapped his hand around his wrist in a loose hold.

“Is he..is he happy?” Steve asked.

Tony gave him a tired smile. “He’ll be happier when you guys talk.”

Steve nodded and let go of his wrist to lean back in the booth. “Yeah...me too…” He murmured.

“Hey…”

Steve’s hands slowed as he wrapped his hands and saw Bucky leaning in the doorway of the gym. He had his hand in the pocket’s of his sweats with his hair pulled back into a messy bun. His metal arm glinted in the low light.

“Hey…” Steve went back to wrapping his hands. “Tony’s not here you know...don’t think I’ve ever seen him step foot in here that wasn’t team training.”

Bucky snorted. “Not gonna disagree with you there. Don’t think I’ve ever seen that man do anything other than mess around in his lab.”

“What are you doing here Bucky?” Steve asked.

“Trying to apologize,” Bucky answered. “If you’ll let me.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Steve sighed. “You were doing what you thought was right.”

“Seems to be our motto,” Bucky said with a wry smile. “We could get it on some jackets or something. The ‘Thought We Were Doing The Right Thing’ Club. Has a nice ring to it don’t you think?”

“Bucky…”

“Steve…”

Both men looked at each other. Bucky walked over and sat next to him on the bench. “I’ve been a shit friend...all you’re trying to do is help and I...I just keep pushing you away, hiding behind these walls I’ve created for myself...and then I go after Tony...why didn’t you just sock me?”

“Believe me, I’ve had urges,” Steve admitted. He sighed. “I’m at fault too, I never should’ve tried to make it seem like I wanted the old Bucky back. I’m just happy you’re back. And as far as Tony goes,” he shrugged and looked down at his hands. “I care about the both of you, and he’s happy with you Bucky, I haven’t seen him smile since…” he shook his head. “If you’re happy together, then I’m happy for you. For both of you.”

Bucky nodded a little. “I...I think I love him Steve.”

Steve swallowed. “Yeah?”

“Yeah...I wanna tell him. I wanted to tell him while we were at dinner, but I just got too nervous,” Bucky smiled a bit.

“You? Nervous?” Steve scoffed. “When have you ever been nervous Bucky?” He gave him a small nudge and Bucky nudged him back with a small laugh.

“Shut up Rogers.”

“Make me Barnes.”

“I’m sorry too,” Steve said after another pause. “For any time I’ve ever made it seem like I don’t want the new you for...for not looking for you sooner. For…”

“Shh, it’s alright,” Bucky slung an arm around Steve’s shoulder and pulled him in so his forehead was resting on Bucky’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry Bucky…” Steve gripped his arms.

“I know,” Bucky rubbed his back. “I know Steve…”

#Avengers #Post Civil War #stony #winteriron #captain america #tony stark #the winter soldier #love triangle #steve/tony #tony/bucky #captain america civil war #iron man

[mellicose]

That Woman Over There - Chapter 4

A You Me and Him Fix-it Fic

Rating: Teen, for language

Word count: 3611

Warnings: none

Summary: ~ Set after the birth of Monty, Olivia’s baby ~ A dear friend of Olivia comes to visit for a week, and she disturbs the fragile peace between her, Alex, and John.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Chapter 4

They held each other until they were cried out. There was a blooming pain in Connie’s chest that did not subside despite the copious tears. The damage was done, and she didn’t know how to start making up for it.

She caressed Liv, then chuckled at her blotchy face. “So pretty.” Liv took her hand and kissed her palm.

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing,” Connie said intensely.

“I told him. That was for you to share, if you wanted.” A fat tear dripped off her nosetip.

Connie shrugged. “We all know you’re challenged at keeping secrets. But you keep the big ones, don’t you?” she said, and hugged her again. “Don’t you ever keep all that pain inside you again. Tell me when I’m being a bitch.”

“You were so hurt, and angry. I didn’t want to make it worse.”

“So were you. And you were pregnant. And you didn’t know whether you and Alex would stay together. You needed me, but I was too busy screaming my own bullshit at you.”

She shrugged bashfully. That was Livvie, in a nutshell. “After you and Ella split, I knew you were already so frayed, and then the divorce happened. You were not well, but I was swollen and miserable and I couldn’t be there for you.”

Connie shook her head. “You’re something else, you know that? That’s not how it works. If I’m being selfish, you call me out on it. If you need me to shut up for a second and listen, you tell me. This friendship goes both ways.”

She nodded, but her face was still twisted with emotion.

“Sweet Livvie,” she said, and squeezed her again.

“What’s going on here?” Alex said. She dropped her cloth shopping bags on the floor and knelt in front of them.

“I told John,” Olivia said, and hiccuped.

“You told John what, sweetheart?” Alex said, drying her tears. It could be anything.

“About …” she realized she had not told Alex everything. She smiled through her tears. Everyone thought she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. It was running joke. But she had kept this from her.

Connie squeezed Alex’s hand, then disappeared into the kitchen.

Alex pulled a pillow into her lap, then patted it. Olivia lay down, and Alex pulled her hair out of the ponytail and started to run her fingers through it.

“You were destroyed. You walked around doing the tough woman bit, and it was excruciating to see it, and not know how to make it better. Especially when I felt it was mostly my fault.”

Alex’s mouth dropped open.

“Nonononono,” she said, shaking her head. “What happened with Jo is not your fault. Never. Ever,” she said. “Getting pregnant was … a surprise, but I know now that if it had not happened, I wouldn’t have done the growing up I needed to do. I was too comfortable with letting you take care of me. It was selfish.”

“I was obsessed. I am obsessed. You’re … I thought I was going to lose you, and it made me desperate. You’re what I’ve been waiting for all my life.” Olivia sat up. “You know what I told you about Connie not being able to make it because of the installations in Paris?”

“Yeah. You were really upset. I didn’t understand-” she looked toward the kitchen, and saw that Connie had stepped into the garden - “I don’t understand how she couldn’t make it. You wore me out talking about her and the firstborn thing, then all of a sudden she was too busy.”

“You told me that John was really important to you right then, and how important it was for him to be included in the birth.”

She nodded. “It was your call, though.”

“Yes, it was. We were fragile - you were fragile - it was really important that you felt that I was there for you, and accepted you as you are.”

Alex’s brow furrowed. “So what does that have to do with Paris?”

“I had to make a decision. Choose who and what was most important to me. And it was you. It’s always been you.” Tears rimmed her eyes again, and she wrung her hands. “There was no Paris.”

Alex was lost.

“Connie didn’t have an art show. She just … she felt she couldn’t be at the birth if John was also present. It was too much for her.”

“Okay,” Alex said slowly.

“She said she was afraid she would ruin the moment if she attempted to twist his head off.”

“Uhuh.”

“It was my call, and you were hurting too, and you really wanted John there. So I made a decision.”

“Ohhh,” Alex said. So, Connie didn’t show because of John. Really?

“You could’ve told me when we discussed it. I woulda found some way to keep ‘em apart. Shit, even if it meant taking turns - an hour in, and hour out-”

Olivia shrugged.

“It was too much. My head was foggy and I was ready to burst and it seemed everyone was pulling me in different directions-” she squeezed Alex’s hand -”not you, but, I just wanted you to be happy.”

“Still. You should’ve told me,” Alex said. “Is this why you were crying to Connie?”

“She apologized for being so stubborn.”

“Too late now.”

“I’m fine. We’re fine now.”

“You know what? I don’t blame you for keeping it to yourself. She should’ve gotten over herself and come and seen you. Her parents divorced? Big fuckin’ whoop. I never knew my da. John’s a twat? Not news. But he’s our twat. And he adores Monty.”

“You don’t know how it was with them. Right after Ella had the affair, too. It’s like the bottom fell out of her life.”

Alex stood up. “And? Shit happens!” she said pointing at her flat belly. Her cheeks were red with anger.

“This is why I didn’t tell you before,” Olivia said. “And your anger is justified. I won’t tell you to calm down, but I need you to understand.”

“Understand what?”

Monty’s crying drifted down from the bedroom. “I don’t know. All I know is I’m over it. All of it,” she said, and got up with a groan. “I’m gonna go feed the baby.”

Alex stood in the middle of the living room, her hands on her hips. She didn’t realize she’d picked up the mannerism from John. She was still confused. So, Connie didn’t come because she was mad at John, a man she never met before? She didn’t understand what the big deal was, really.

She carried the groceries to the kitchen and looked outside, where Connie lay in a lounger, eyes closed to the sun. John thought like most cishet men - they were a bunch of cleaned up neanderthals, the whole lot of ‘em - he was just clever enough to make some lolly out of it.

She slammed the cupboard doors as she put things away.

Twat or not, he was kind to her during a time when being around Olivia hurt. He didn’t have to be, but he chose to be there for her. He still is, in his way. She never thought she would call that overgroomed douche lord her best friend … but he kinda was.

They even had a matching tattoo.

She looked down at at the inside of her left wrist. She barely felt it when she got it - she hurt too bad to feel much. But he held her hand from the other chair, while someone else tattooed him. He kept her centered. He loved them both - both her and Jo - she felt that. And it felt good.

Connie came inside for a bottle of water.

“Connie?”

“Yes?” Her body language was different. She was reticent.

“We should talk about tomorrow, hammer out the last details after dinner.”

Connie put on some socks and a pair of scuffed brown engineer boots. “You know what? I think I’m gonna talk a nice long walk. I haven’t seen the town in daylight yet. You two have a nice dinner together.  But yeah, absolutely.” She changed into a button-up shirt and brushed her hair on the sofa. Although she wanted to be angry at her, she couldn’t. There was a pulsing fragility about her that made her want to hug the woman instead. And it irritated her.

It reminded her a bit of Olivia. Strong, talented, ambitious ... but ultimately, soft. No wonder they were so close.

She was about to go back to the kitchen when Connie grabbed her wrist, and pulled her to sitting on the sofa beside her. She looked at her so intently it made her tingle.

“Lovely Alex,” she said softly. “Can you keep a secret, for me? I’ll completely understand if you tell me to go ... suck on an egg or something.” Her accent came back, and it was nice, both hard and soft. At another time, she would’ve thought it sexy, but …

Eh. It was.

They both looked toward the stairs for signs of Olivia, but everything was quiet.

“I still remember when Livvie called me and told me about you. How you are a brilliant artist on the brink, and how clever you are, and sexy, and hot…” she smiled. “She mentioned that a lot, your hotness. But she didn’t need to say it. I heard it in her voice. It was different, with you.”

Alex bit her lip.

“That whole thing, with the firstborn, we made that promise when we still young and … in our own little world,” Connie said, squeezing her wrist. “You know how it is the first time. The first woman.”

“Oh yeah,” Alex said. “Chandra. My first girl. Yes.”

“Are you still friends?” Connie asked, then thought better of it. “Wait, you don’t have to answer that.”

“It’s fine. No. It was not a long relationship, but it was big. Huge. I came out to everyone including my mum, and it was a whole thing - her parents are Muslim - and Chandra got shipped off to fucking Yorkshire with her grandparents and I never heard from her again.”

“Fuck,” Connie said. “That’s awful.”

Alex gave her a half smile. “Yeah. Grim.”

“I think even when were were… you know, we both knew that we were meant to be something else. That’s why the transition was easy. For me, that’s the curse of the bisexual. When I make a friend, woman or man, I have to question whether I like them, or whether I like them,” she said, nodding her head slowly.

“I thank the powers that be every day I was born a total lezz,” Alex said, patting Connie’s shoulder. “But I sympathize. That must suck.”

Connie chuckled. “Anyway, we were young when we made those promises. We couldn’t see further than each other. But gladly, things change,” she said, and gave Alex a meaningful look. “It was you who was meant to be there.”

She took both of Alex’s hands and squeezed. Her grip was firm and warm, and for some reason, her heart was going a million miles a minute.

“She loved you from the first moment you met. She might’ve gotten a little overzealous when she inseminated without your explicit consent, but I think she knew that it was time, and that time was running out for her in other ways,” she said, and patted her own empty belly. “Even when you were upset, and things happened, she never thought that you were a temporary thing. She was waiting for you.”

Alex was dizzy. This all felt like déjà vu, in a lovely, twisted way.

“I’m sorry about what happened to you, corazón. And please forgive me for making you both upset. I can be bullheaded sometimes, but I try every day to be better.”

For some reason, now her eyes were filled with tears. Connie was a charming bitch.

“If Olivia is fine, then I am totally fine. Really,” she said, and actually pulled Connie in her arms for a hug.

“Awww,” Olivia said. She cradled an eagerly sucking Monty in her arms. “You two discussing super secret birthday business?”

“You look beautiful. Madonna and child,” Connie said.

“Tits out for Monty,” Alex said, not wanting to be outdone. Connie laughed and stood up.

“I won’t be in for dinner,” she said, and grabbed her purse. “I’ve got some errands to run. For the party.”

Alex looked at her, then nodded briskly. “Yeah. Important stuff.”

“You’re going to walk?” Olivia said. “You can take my car if you like.”

“No. I’m not up to breaking any laws today,” Connie said, then kissed both Olivia and Monty. “I could use the walk, and the shops are close.”

“Suit yourself,” Olivia said with a smile, then walked into the kitchen. “After you eat, mummy gets to eat,” she said. “Yum yum!” She smacked her lips.

“I’m on it,” Alex said, following them into the kitchen.

Connie sat down on the sun-warmed park bench with a sigh.

She had gone to the patisserie to confirm pickup on Livvie’s birthday cake - a black forest gateau topped with billowing cream, chocolate shavings and cherries - and then, to the flower shop to order the flowers for her crown. It was nice to be lost, and take time to walk down the unfamiliar streets of Liv’s town. She was so used to the noise and smell of New York that the clean air and smiling faces felt like a gift.

The sound of happily screaming children was both balm and blow. She missed Poppy. With all her heart.

She watched a little girl with curly brown hair very much like Poppy’s go down the slide, then run to the swings. Her mother swept her up in her arms for a kiss before placing her in the plastic seat.

She helped raise Poppy - Ella’s child from a previous relationship gone wrong during the pregnancy - from when she was still tender and babbling at 2 years.

Boy, did that sound familiar. 

They had not made any legal arrangements, and since the woman Ella was seeing when she got pregnant wanted nothing to do with the baby, she slid seamlessly into the role of caregiver. She did it out of love for Ella, but it had not taken long to love the child.

For four years, she had been co-parent, making decisions with Ella for her welfare. She wiped her bum. She stayed up with her when she was sick. She paid for her Montessori, and she looked forward to seeing her grow into a woman, alongside Ella.

But she lost her when Ella lost the plot. Poppy wasn’t her daughter. And with nothing on the books, there was nothing else to say. Concerned friends had suggested filing a suit of custody - she had the receipts to prove her case to the court. But after the restraining order, Ella disappeared. Being a nomadic sculptor that she was, she could be anywhere.

Poppy could be running around in the Guyanese jungle while her mother hacked at stone in a open shed nearby, for all she knew. She had done all she could, but the trail was cold - even the PI said there was no use spending more money.  Poppy was lost to her.

A little boy ran up, the skin of his legs jeweled with long, shallow scratches. His blond hair was gritty with sand.

“Why yer crying?” he said, squinting up at her with concern. His round belly peeked out of the bottom of his Hulk t-shirt.

“Oh!” she said, grinning. She wiped her chin - it was wet. She was so deep in thought she didn’t notice.

“Got sand in my eye,” she said, winking at him.

“That’s bad,” he said, wiping his eyes in sympathy. “You talk funny.” His father walked up, smile crocodile-wide.

“I apologize if he’s bothering you,” he said, eying her hungrily. “He’s a feisty tyke.”

“He’s a little gentleman,” she said. The boy wriggled with delight, then ran off.

“Where’s yours?” he said. She didn’t have the accoutrement of motherhood - the giant purse, the water bottles, the comfortable clothes. He gave her legs an appreciative glance and walked closer, intending to sit down. She glanced at his left hand, where there was a very solid, very gold band.

Jerk.

“She’s somewhere,” she said vaguely, then pulled her cell out of her purse in the universal ‘leave me alone’ way.

“Right then. Have a good evening,” he said, and walked off, glancing longingly back at her one more time. 

John was sick of driving. He rubbed his eyes and realized his face was itchy with salt.

It was strange. All his life, in one way or another, he felt like the odd person out. The burden. The interloper. The mild inconvenience. His own family acted that way, and even now, they were still distant and uninterested - except when they needed something.

Although he teased them mercilessly, Olivia and Alex had turned into his chosen family. Alex embraced his energy, and didn’t make him feel like he tried too hard. Olivia had warmed up to him, and given him her trust and kindness. For the first time in his life, he was enough. And their impact on his life was massive. They had knocked him out of a downward spiral that had nearly killed off the last bit of sympathy in him.

He parked on the curb and stepped out of his car. The afternoon was gloriously warm, and there was a pickup football game in the green. Men hooted and kicked the ball around as their partners watched on the sidelines, reclining on picnic blankets.

He sat on the grass under a tree and hugged his knees.

The men moved so gracefully, confident in their strength. He remembered a time when he wished with all his might that he could run around so freely, and take part in all the things boys do. But he was stuck, aching and bent. Instead of kindness, or at least pity, those healthy, straight-spined kids made his life miserable. And to make things worse, there was no respite at home, since his father was just the grown version of the bullies. After a while, he had seen himself through their eyes - skinny, weak, whinging - and started to hate himself.

It had taken years and years to feel anything more than bitter disappointment when he looked in the mirror.

He suffered in silence, enduring the painful surgeries and therapies by focusing on the day he would be able to walk tall. The very same day that his orthopedic doctor gave him the all clear, he ran to the nearest football pitch, ready to play.

And it was a disaster. He realized, after years of envious observation, that he didn’t like the game. He actually preferred his books and messing around with his Apple II, bent or not. Yet, when he came home with a bleeding elbow and mud on his clothes, it was the first time his father had looked on him with pride. His heart sank. His anger and resentment melted alway with his temporary approval. And he knew he couldn’t stop.

He showed up, took the hits, swallowed his ennui, and become good enough to join a local league. It was all his father spoke about at the pub - how his boy went from a cripple to an athlete. Now, he was used to it. On the weekends, he heard football on the radio while he worked in the shop. Did he really care? Maybe not so much. But only in those times - with the commentator screaming, and the distant roar of the crowd - could he think of his father with affection.

A young man ran near him and started to play keepie uppie. He panted and smiled, and both knees were red with friction. He was quite good, hitting the ball steadily higher, bouncing it deftly on his head, then catching it with his foot and starting over. John watched him with a smile, and groaned when it dropped.

“Good on ye, mate,” John said, and stood up to leave.

The man jogged after him.“Why didn’t you join?”

“You already started,” John said. The man was compact, with wavy blond hair and gold eyes. He looked back at the green, then at him.

“I saw you. Looking earlier.” He searched John’s face for a sign. “Staring.”

“Oh yeah. I was … thinking. Reminiscing.”

“About what?” the man said. He raked his fingers through his hair and licked the sweat from above his upper lip. Although his stance was truculent, it didn’t hide the fact he was obviously flirting. His eyes traveled from John’s narrow hips to his bearded face. He’d love some beard burn. Anywhere.

“My da,” John said, knowing it would kill the mood. “I’m sorry if I, uh, gave you the wrong idea.”

“Me too. No worries, though,” the man said, putting his hands up. “Best of luck to ye.”

John nodded.

When he got into his car, he looked at himself in the rearview, turning his head from side to side slowly. He licked, then puckered his lips. Full and pink. He wiggled his brow and admired the amber gleam of his eyes.

“Oooh. So fuckable,” he said, and turned on the car. There was no reason to be blue. His father was dead, and Connie was leaving in three days.

He was off to the pub, and hopefully, a good shag.

Next Chapter

#That Woman Over There #you me and him #john helm #David Tennant #fan fiction #the title's an acronym

[anxiouspanda124]

Depression ~ Date written February 4, 2017

It's been a while since I really sat down and wrote what I felt. At least like this. It's been a long time since I was able to put my thoughts into words that would actually make sense. It's been a little over three and a half years since the last time I harmed myself intentionally. A feat that hasn't been easy by any means. Even though I know it does nothing to help, and even though I know that I don't want to do that ever again, sometimes when I'm at my lowest I wonder what it would feel like to do it again. It's irrational on every level. I swore to myself that I would never run a blade across my wrist with the intention of hurting myself the day my nephew was born and I intend to keep that oath until my very last breath. Another thing that's kept me alive is the thought, maybe a better way to describe it is fear, of influencing someone else. I would be ashamed and horrified if I hurt myself, or killed myself and that gave my nephew or nieces the impression that something like that is okay. I'm terrified of them saying or thinking "Aunt Kimi did it, so I can too." Self harm is something that falls close to home to anybody who has ever done it themselves, or even had a close friend or family member. I joke often about death, I think most people do. It helps lighten the mood and keep things from being so depressing. But in the midst of the joking, it's so easy to forget just how serious it is. There are so many headlines of young people who committed suicide. And it's rarely the ones you expect. It's the honors student with perfect grades and is always surrounded by friends. It's the gifted musician with the potential to be great. It's the class clown who's always trying to put a smile on everyone's face because. It's the person that always wears a smile and never lets any kind of pain show. It's the people who seem to have perfect lives. It's the ones who feel like they have no right or reason to feel the way that they do. Depression doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care that your family is wonderful. It doesn't care whether your parents are together or divorced. It doesn't care if you have brothers or sister or are an only child. It doesn't care whether you've experience trauma or not. Depression, I've recently come to realize and truly understand, is a disease that doesn't give a crap who you are. It doesn't care what place you hold in society. It doesn't care. But it's there. And it kills. Depression is a deadly disease if left alone because it eats away at your mind. It eats away at your self conscious and reveals your deepest fears. It reveals the worst side of you and shows you who you really are. It brings out the deepest insecurities that you never even knew existed. It becomes every aspect of your life and creeps up when you least expect it to. It kills you slowly from the inside out with whispers of worthlessness and nightmares of abandonment. One of my biggest fears is losing those I care about. Whether it be to sickness or just because they grow tired of me. I'm terrified of waking up and realizing that I'm all alone and there's no one left around me. That fears has resulted in me running people away with my insecurities. I'm fortunate. I'm blessed to have the friends and family that I have. I have supportive friends and family who are there for me and love me and want me to be happy. But sometimes when my brain is going on and on, that isn't enough. Three years ago, just before the year anniversary of the last time I harmed myself, I was lying in bed, fighting the urge to reach for the razor that I had used so many times before. The razor that had brought me relief from the pain around me, that made me feel, just for a few moments, like everything was fine. In the fog of my brain, I had the thought to ask myself the question: Is tomorrow worth seeing? With that question, I wrote the very first part of this little entry. I wrote, Yes, It's worth It in order to keep from breaking a promise to myself and my nephew. It helped me for the longest time, and then it stopped helping because I changed and so did my reasons for wanting to live and die. Recently, I've found myself asking that question much more frequently. I know the answer. I always know the answer. But in those times where I'm at my lowest, tomorrow really doesn't seem worth it. I don't want to see tomorrow because tomorrow is scary. Life is hard. Life is tiring. Life really seriously sucks sometimes and I really don't want to deal with it. By all appearances I have a wonderful life. I have a GPA that I've been told some people would kill for. I never have to worry about where my next meal will come from. I never have to worry about where I'll sleep or if I'll have clothes to wear. My basic needs are always met. I have wonderful friends who put up with my ups and downs in life and a family who is with me through thick and thin. You could almost say I'm spoiled. In fact, you really could say that I'm spoiled. But yet, I'm still depressed. I still struggle with a crippling anxiety that literally keeps me from leaving bed somedays. It keeps me from doing fun things that I used to enjoy. It keeps me from friends that care about me and worry about me. Last week, I seriously contemplated suicide. I never made it far enough to conjure an actual plan because the people around me were there to support me and kept me from getting that far. It made me realize a few things: First is that I don't want to kill myself. Second is that I don't want to die. I want to live. Third is that I want to actually live. I don't want to just go through the motions of life and pretend to be happy. I want to actually be happy and experience life to best of my ability. I want to look back in ten years and be proud of the fact that I made it through this. Life is so terribly hard. I've contemplated whether or not tomorrow is worth seeing a lot lately. I contemplated it many times today. I wondered what it would be like for those around me if I wasn't here. And I felt like things would be a lot easier for them if I was gone. But then I remember, as conceited as it may sound, that the people who love me don't care about easy. They care about me. But even with that knowledge, the question still stands with me. Constantly begging me to answer. Is tomorrow worth seeing? Do you really want to see tomorrow? To be perfectly honest, a lot of the time my answer to that question is no. I answered no to that question multiple times today. I've been fighting my own brain for weeks now, trying to weed out the lies from the truth. No one loves you. You're useless. Everyone hates you. You run everyone off because you're too difficult to deal with. Life would be easier for others if you weren't around. Tomorrow isn't worth seeing because it doesn't want to see you. That isn't true. People love you. People care about you so much. People just want you to be happy and healthy again. Life wouldn't be easier without you because they would miss you. Unfortunately, the second list makes me feel selfish and conceited most of the time so I tend to listen to the first list even though I know it's wrong. My friends have taken the brunt of my insecurities recently and I'll never be able to thank them enough for that. But the very fact that they're still with me through all of this just proves that first list wrong. I spent three days in a behavioral unit. For all intents and purposes it was a psych ward. They monitored me 24/7. I wasn't allowed to have anything that could potentially be used to harm myself. While there, they diagnosed me with sever anxiety and depression. The visiting hours for family and friends were incredibly limited. But my friends still came to visit me. To check on me and make sure that I was okay. They showed me that they cared in a way that I never expected them to at all. They proved to me without having to that they're there for me and that they care about me. In this past week I've let my insecurities take control again. I've let them paralyze me and keep me from living. I've let them keep me in bed for most of the day and away from people who care about me. I've let them keep me away from things I used to enjoy. Today was not a good day by any standard. I had multiple panic attacks, and my friend ended up being on the receiving end of my insecurities. Something that I would never wish on anyone. The constant question returning full force and hounding me for an answer. My brain wanted to give the wrong answer, like it always does. Because what's the point of being alive if I feel like this? If I'm this miserable all the time? It's incredibly hard to find a point when those thoughts are swimming around. It's like a hurricane of negative thoughts, threatening to completely destroy any happiness that I have. I've let the anxiety control me for too long. And it's about time I took control again. It's easy to say but almost impossible to do. I spent all day hiding in bed, fighting against the question that presented itself, resisting the thoughts telling me to end everything. Because no matter what happens, no matter how low I am, I know the right answer. I know exactly how I need to answer it with confidence and with conviction. Because I'm not done with this world yet. I've got a lot left to do before I leave, because I haven't finished what I started. In just a couple of months, I'm getting my class ring from my university. In a year, I'm going to graduate and then go into grad school. In June, I'm going to Italy on a study abroad trip and I'm going to have the time of my life. And in the future, I'm going to look back and be proud that I was able to make it through this because my life will be completely different. In the future I'm going to be so happy that I looked my anxiety and depression in the face and said: Yes, It's Worth It.

#depression #anxiety #unhappy #keep going #it's worth it #it's going to be okay #panic attacks #encouragement #writing #original

[kksullivan124]

Depression

It's been a while since I really sat down and wrote what I felt. At least like this. It's been a long time since I was able to put my thoughts into words that would actually make sense. It's been a little over three and a half years since the last time I harmed myself intentionally.  A feat that hasn't been easy by any means. Even though I know it does nothing to help, and even though I know that I don't want to do that ever again, sometimes when I'm at my lowest I wonder what it would feel like to do it again. It's irrational on every level. I swore to myself that I would never run a blade across my wrist with the intention of hurting myself the day my nephew was born and I intend to keep that oath until my very last breath. Another thing that's kept me alive is the thought, maybe a better way to describe it is fear, of influencing someone else. I would be ashamed and horrified if I hurt myself, or killed myself and that gave my nephew or nieces the impression that something like that is okay. I'm terrified of them saying or thinking "Aunt Kimi did it, so I can too." Self harm is something that falls close to home to anybody who has ever done it themselves, or even had a close friend or family member. I joke often about death, I think most people do. It helps lighten the mood and keep things from being so depressing. But in the midst of the joking, it's so easy to forget just how serious it is. There are so many headlines of young people who committed suicide. And it's rarely the ones you expect. It's the honors student with perfect grades and is always surrounded by friends. It's the gifted musician with the potential to be great. It's the class clown who's always trying to put a smile on everyone's face because. It's the person that always wears a smile and never lets any kind of pain show. It's the people who seem to have perfect lives. It's the ones who feel like they have no right or reason to feel the way that they do. Depression doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care that your family is wonderful. It doesn't care whether your parents are together or divorced. It doesn't care if you have brothers or sister or are an only child. It doesn't care whether you've experience trauma or not. Depression, I've recently come to realize and truly understand, is a disease that doesn't give a crap who you are. It doesn't care what place you hold in society. It doesn't care. But it's there. And it kills. Depression is a deadly disease if left alone because it eats away at your mind. It eats away at your self conscious and reveals your deepest fears. It reveals the worst side of you and shows you who you really are. It brings out the deepest insecurities that you never even knew existed. It becomes every aspect of your life and creeps up when you least expect it to. It kills you slowly from the inside out with whispers of worthlessness and nightmares of abandonment. One of my biggest fears is losing those I care about. Whether it be to sickness or just because they grow tired of me. I'm terrified of waking up and realizing that I'm all alone and there's no one left around me. That fears has resulted in me running people away with my insecurities. I'm fortunate. I'm blessed to have the friends and family that I have. I have supportive friends and family who are there for me and love me and want me to be happy. But sometimes when my brain is going on and on, that isn't enough. Three years ago, just before the year anniversary of the last time I harmed myself, I was lying in bed, fighting the urge to reach for the razor that I had used so many times before. The razor that had brought me relief from the pain around me, that made me feel, just for a few moments, like everything was fine. In the fog of my brain, I had the thought to ask myself the question: Is tomorrow worth seeing? With that question, I wrote the very first part of this little entry. I wrote, Yes, It's worth It in order to keep from breaking a promise to myself and my nephew. It helped me for the longest time, and then it stopped helping because I changed and so did my reasons for wanting to live and die. Recently, I've found myself asking that question much more frequently. I know the answer. I always know the answer. But in those times where I'm at my lowest, tomorrow really doesn't seem worth it. I don't want to see tomorrow because tomorrow is scary. Life is hard. Life is tiring. Life really seriously sucks sometimes and I really don't want to deal with it. By all appearances I have a wonderful life. I have a GPA that I've been told some people would kill for. I never have to worry about where my next meal will come from. I never have to worry about where I'll sleep or if I'll have clothes to wear. My basic needs are always met. I have wonderful friends who put up with my ups and downs in life and a family who is with me through thick and thin. You could almost say I'm spoiled. In fact, you really could say that I'm spoiled. But yet, I'm still depressed. I still struggle with a crippling anxiety that literally keeps me from leaving bed somedays. It keeps me from doing fun things that I used to enjoy. It keeps me from friends that care about me and worry about me. Last week, I seriously contemplated suicide. I never made it far enough to conjure an actual plan because the people around me were there to support me and kept me from getting that far. It made me realize a few things: First is that I don't want to kill myself. Second is that I don't want to die. I want to live. Third is that I want to actually live. I don't want to just go through the motions of life and pretend to be happy. I want to actually be happy and experience life to best of my ability. I want to look back in ten years and be proud of the fact that I made it through this. Life is so terribly hard. I've contemplated whether or not tomorrow is worth seeing a lot lately. I contemplated it many times today. I wondered what it would be like for those around me if I wasn't here. And I felt like things would be a lot easier for them if I was gone. But then I remember, as conceited as it may sound, that the people who love me don't care about easy. They care about me. But even with that knowledge, the question still stands with me. Constantly begging me to answer. Is tomorrow worth seeing? Do you really want to see tomorrow? To be perfectly honest, a lot of the time my answer to that question is no. I answered no to that question multiple times today. I've been fighting my own brain for weeks now, trying to weed out the lies from the truth. No one loves you. You're useless. Everyone hates you. You run everyone off because you're too difficult to deal with. Life would be easier for others if you weren't around. Tomorrow isn't worth seeing because it doesn't want to see you. That isn't true. People love you. People care about you so much. People just want you to be happy and healthy again. Life wouldn't be easier without you because they would miss you. Unfortunately, the second list makes me feel selfish and conceited most of the time so I tend to listen to the first list even though I know it's wrong. My friends have taken the brunt of my insecurities recently and I'll never be able to thank them enough for that. But the very fact that they're still with me through all of this just proves that first list wrong. I spent three days in a behavioral unit. For all intents and purposes it was a psych ward. They monitored me 24/7. I wasn't allowed to have anything that could potentially be used to harm myself. While there, they diagnosed me with sever anxiety and depression. The visiting hours for family and friends were incredibly limited. But my friends still came to visit me. To check on me and make sure that I was okay. They showed me that they cared in a way that I never expected them to at all. They proved to me without having to that they're there for me and that they care about me. In this past week I've let my insecurities take control again. I've let them paralyze me and keep me from living. I've let them keep me in bed for most of the day and away from people who care about me. I've let them keep me away from things I used to enjoy. Today was not a good day by any standard. I had multiple panic attacks, and my friend ended up being on the receiving end of my insecurities. Something that I would never wish on anyone. Something that I can never apologize enough for. The constant question returning full force and hounding me for an answer. My brain wanted to give the wrong answer, like it always does. Because what's the point of being alive if I feel like this? If I'm this miserable all the time? It's incredibly hard to find a point when those thoughts are swimming around. It's like a hurricane of negative thoughts, threatening to completely destroy any happiness that I have. I've let the anxiety control me for too long. And it's about time I took control again. It's easy to say but almost impossible to do. I spent all day hiding in bed, fighting against the question that presented itself, resisting the thoughts telling me to end everything. Because no matter what happens, no matter how low I am, I know the right answer. I know exactly how I need to answer it with confidence and with conviction. Because I'm not done with this world yet. I've got a lot left to do before I leave, because I haven't finished what I started. In just a couple of months, I'm getting my class ring from my university. In a year, I'm going to graduate and then go into grad school. In June, I'm going to Italy on a study abroad trip and I'm going to have the time of my life. And in the future, I'm going to look back and be proud that I was able to make it through this because my life will be completely different. In the future I'm going to be so happy that I looked my anxiety and depression in the face and said: Yes, It's Worth It.