#i said goodbye to one of my closest friends yesterday

[joyridingmp3]

end of an era

#i said goodbye to one of my closest friends yesterday #not in a bad way she's moving state and I'm rly happy for her #but god I've really let go of a lot this year #mostly for the better except her #it's been good though I feel so so so much better #I've been feeling so good lately #but definitely also feel transformed as a person with all the change that's been happening yknow #quit drinking quit caffeine quit those horrible singing lessons. among other things that weren't good for me #walking into the new year a very different person for sure #but also i feel like ive found my way back to my old self in a weird way #im like oh THERE you are! #I've been looking for you! #so. it's nice #sad to see my friend go but that's ok :) im glad. and she will be happier in her new situation too #mine

[petitemistletoe]

Grudges

Pairing: Regulus Black x Reader, Potter!Reader

Warnings: angst!

Word Count: 6.2K+

A/N: Alright listen I am a Lily Evans stan through and through but she does not come across the greatest in this fic

“Stop biting your nails,” Regulus nudged you lightly. 

“Sorry,” you said sheepishly, “I just hope the first term went well for Celeste. I’ve missed her so much.” You rested your head on Regulus’s shoulder. 

“Celeste sent us about a thousand owls with updates. She’s fine! Plus she’s had Milo with her.” Regulus made a good point. Your daughter, Celeste, had started her first year at Hogwarts at the same time as her cousin Milo.

“Where are Sirius and Remus anyway?” You asked, glancing at your watch, “The train is going to be in any minute now.”

As if on cue, you saw Sirius and Remus running through King’s Cross. Remus was carrying an empty carseat and Sirius was balancing a baby in his arms. They made their way over to your spot on the platform and were breathing heavily. 

“Someone,” Sirius panted, “take the baby so I can have a moment to collapse.”

“Give me my delicious little nephew,” you grinned, taking the baby from Sirius and giving his chubby cheek a little kiss, “how are you Teddy?”

Teddy gurgled in response and wrapped a chubby hand around a strand of your hair. 

“Why exactly are you two so late?” Regulus quirked an eyebrow at his brother. 

“You know how it is, baby stuff.” Remus explained, setting the carseat on the ground and taking Teddy back from you.

“Sirius take too long looking at himself in the mirror?” Regulus chuckled. 

“You laugh but it’s under the shroud of wicked jealousy,” Sirius deadpanned. 

“Can you believe that our kids are first years! It feels like we graduated just yesterday,” you reminisced, threading your arm through Sirius’ and resting your head on his shoulder. 

“They’ll be here any minute now!” Sirius grinned, looking at the wave of students getting off the train. 

“Sirius! It’s your turn, Teddy needs to be changed.” Remus was now holding Teddy at arms length, his nose wrinkled. 

“Oh no,” Sirius peaked at Teddy’s diaper, “Moony this is a two man job. You guys mind waiting for Milo while we fix this?”

“Go for it,” you waved the boys off. You and Regulus were making idle chit chat until a body slammed into you. You looked down and saw the nicely styled brown and black curls and knew it could only have been your nephew.

“Hi Milo,” you said, pressing a kiss to his head. 

“Hey Auntie! Have you seen my dads?” He asked, pulling away and hugging Regulus. 

“They’re in the bathroom changing Teddy. Have you seen my daughter?” You responded. 

“She’s coming. Her and Harry were saying goodbye to Ron and Hermione at the front of the platform.” Milo shrugged. Your blood ran cold. 

“Harry?” You asked. Before Milo could respond you saw Celeste skipping towards you.

“Mum! Dad!” Celeste gave you and Regulus a giant hug. 

“Celeste! I want to hear all about your term,” you said with a giant grin. 

“Sure Mum! I want you to meet one of the greatest friends I made. He’s actually one of Milo’s childhood friends.” Celeste stepped back and revealed Harry standing behind her. Even if you hadn’t recognized the name you would’ve know that Harry was James’s son. Harry was the spitting image of James, save for his eyes. His eyes were the same color as Lily’s. 

“Hi! I’m Harry Potter, it’s nice to meet you Mrs. Black, Mr. Black.” Harry extended his hand to you and Regulus. Regulus had the same gobsmacked expression that you did and he swallowed harshly before saying, 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Harry. I understand that you and Celeste have become fast friends.” 

“Yes! I’ve known Milo my entire life so he introduced Celeste and I. Milo’s fathers are actually my father’s two closest friends. You might know him, James Potter?” Harry asked. 

“Uh, yes. We were in school at the same time as your father.” Regulus said, diplomatically. 

“Really?” Harry asked. Before you could continue any further Sirius and Remus returned. 

“There’s my godson!” Sirius laughed, wrapping Harry in a tight hug. 

“He hugs Harry before he hugs his own son.” Milo rolled his eyes as he hugged Remus and gave his baby brother a kiss on the forehead. 

“There’s my boy.” Sirius lifted Milo of the ground in a grandiose show of affection. 

“Where are your parents, Harry?” Remus asked. 

“Around here somewhere I’m sure.” Harry scanned through the throng of people. He disappeared off and you felt like you could breathe again. 

“Alright, love, do you have all your things?” You asked Celeste, running a hand over your daughter’s head, “Regulus grab her trunk.”

“Did you make the Christmas fudge mum?” Celeste asked. 

“Three trays of it.” You grinned, pinching Celeste’s cheek. 

“Oh Auntie your fudge is the greatest! Dad can we go over to Celeste’s and have some?” Milo asked Remus. 

“Why not? You know I have a soft spot for chocolate.” Remus laughed as he tried to juggle both the car seat and Milo’s trunk. 

“Give me the baby and give the car seat to Sirius.” You said. Remus went to hand you Teddy but tutted, “Other side, Remus. My shoulder.” You swapped sides and then took Teddy from Remus’ arms and balanced him on your hip. 

You were making your way out of the train station when Harry was running back towards you all, a giant smile on his face.

“Alright Harry?” Celeste asked.

“Yeah, yeah. I wanted to introduce our parents. Mr. And Mrs. Black these are my parents James and Lily Potter.” Harry stepped back to reveal his parents. You felt like the wind had been knocked out of you. 

“James.” You said, cooly. 

“It’s been a while.” James’s tone was as icy as yours. 

“Well we should get going,” Lily said diplomatically. 

“Yes! Yes. Good to see you. Have a happy Christmas!” Regulus pushed Celeste away before the conversation could progress any further. 

Luckily for you all, Celeste forgot all about encounter by the time she got home, had a tin of fudge, and played with her little brother Atlas who had been in private lessons when you all were at the train station. Atlas and Celeste were sleeping peacefully, now, and you were thinking about James as you got in bed next to Regulus. 

“Love?” Regulus shook you from your thoughts. 

“Yes darling?” 

“I was saying that Narcissa called and wants to have tea tomorrow and get all the children together.” Regulus said. 

“Oh, sure Reg.” You nodded.

“Thinking about James?” 

“You know me so well,” you laughed softly, “it just caught me off-guard…seeing him again.” 

“I know. Are you alright?”

“It’s weird, right? Harry and Celeste being friends.” You asked, rubbing your shoulder. 

“Yeah, a good weird though. I think we should consider the possibility of telling them that they are related. They deserve to know and it’ll only be worse if they find it out on their own.” Regulus ran his thumb over your knuckles. 

“I know you’re right.” You went to bed that night with your thoughts spinning impossibly fast in your brain. 

✰

“Oh my God! How can a child so small poop so much?” Remus said in disgust. His entire chest was coated in what had previously been Teddy’s breakfast. Sirius had been walking over to check on Remus, but immediately turned and crept back down the hallway as quietly as he could. “Nice try, Pads! Get back here right now.” 

“How did you know I was in the hall?” Sirius asked with a groan, taking over the diaper change while Remus removed his shirt and scourgified it. 

“Werewolf hearing, obviously.” Remus rolled his eyes. 

“Dads! When are we going to Celeste’s?” Milo asked, peeking his head into the room. 

“We’re going to meet Celeste and Atlas at Aunt Narcissa’s house.” Remus responded. 

“Oh fuck do we have to go to Narcissa’s? It’s so creepy there.” Sirius complained. 

“Really? You aren’t even going to pretend to act like a parent in front of our kid?” Remus rolled his eyes. 

“Aunt Narcissa isn’t so bad,” Milo shrugged, “Draco’s kind of annoying though.”

“Of course he is. He’s the spawn of a Black and a Malfoy.” Sirius rolled his eyes at the thought. 

“Sirius!” Remus was unfortunately not surprised at his husband’s antics. 

“I have a different question.” Milo shook his head, “so you know how Celeste and Atlas are mine and Teddy’s cousins because Dad and Uncle Regulus are brothers?”

“Yeah?” Sirius and Remus weren’t exactly sure where things were going.  

“And you know how you two were best friends with Uncle James and Aunt Lily in school?”

“Yeah…” Now Sirius and Remus had an idea where things were going and they didn’t exactly love it. 

“Why was I never allowed to have Harry and Celeste over at the same time? And why were things so awkward between everyone at the train station when Celeste’s and Harry’s parents met?”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” Remus said quickly. 

“Yep, Milo, you’re crazy.” Sirius nodded.

“Wait a minute,” Milo’s brain was moving quickly now, “isn’t Auntie’s maiden name Potter? But she doesn’t have a brother…is Uncle James her cousin? Are they fighting? Have they been fighting since before any of us were born? But Auntie always talks about how important family is…did Uncle James do something to break their bond? They must’ve been close since they would have been just a year apart at Hogwarts. And you two are still very close with her and Uncle Reg…in fact Dad I remember you said that Auntie was the person that reunited you with Uncle Reg. So it had to be something really specific between Auntie and Uncle James. Aunt Lily’s face was almost as red as her hair and Uncle Regulus was glaring at Uncle James when we were at the train station so I bet it was something about Auntie marrying Uncle Regulus and Uncle James marrying Aunt Lily. But Uncle James and Aunt Lily got married first so it was probably a fight between Auntie and Uncle James about Aunt Lily!” Milo looked very pleased with himself.

“You’re way off, Milo, it wasn’t like that at all.” Remus said weakly.

“How did you do that?” Sirius was looking at his son now like he was dripping in radioactive waste. 

“I knew it!” 

“Okay, Milo, listen you can’t tell Celeste or Harry. This is not our information to share.” Remus was very serious. 

“Of course, Dad. The secret is safe with me!” Milo beamed. 

✰

“Oh my God Ron! How has it taken you this long to cast a communication spell? Fred and George showed it to us like four times before we left for holiday!” Celeste whispered. She was underneath her covers as it was past one in the morning but Milo had sent everyone an owl saying he had an urgent message and needed to talk face to face. 

“It was hard, Cel!” Ron tried to defend himself but Harry was laughing too hard to be heard for anyone else on the call to hear him. 

“Okay, okay. Milo what’s your news?” Hermione asked, shaking her head.

“I just discovered something big! Something about Celeste and Harry.” Milo said excitedly.

“Does it have something to do with how weird our parents were at the train station?” Harry asked. 

“Yes, indeed. Celeste’s mum and Harry’s dad are cousins!” Milo paused to allow the revelation to skin in. 

“No way! Why wouldn’t they tell us?” Celeste gasped. 

“Apparently they had a really bad falling out and I think it’s because Celeste’s mum and Harry’s mum hate each other!”

“Why would they hate each other?” Hermione asked. 

“No idea. But you two are going to have to find out.” Milo grinned. 

✰

“So mum,” Celeste asked after you all returned from the Malfoys, “I have a question for you.”

“Sure, love. Did you want any more fudge?” You asked, taking out a tray and cutting off a few pieces. 

“Thanks mum!” Celeste took the plate from you.

“Hey Atlas! Do you want any fudge?”

“Yes yes yes!” Your eight year old came running into the kitchen. Atlas looked just like Regulus, dark curls and bright green eyes. Celeste looked more like a potter…more like James, in fact: tanned skin, warm brown eyes, easy smile. Celeste and Harry had looked like twins at the train station. It filled you with an uncomfortable heartache.

“Giving the kids more sugar?” Regulus quipped, helping push Atlas’s chair closer to the table. 

“It’s Christmas.” You smiled, “there’s a fresh batch of egg nog in the fridge from this morning if you’d like to join me in a glass.”

“Read my mind, Mrs. Black.” Regulus poured you and him two glasses and you sat at the able with your kids. 

“So Celeste, you said you had a question for me?” You asked, leaning back so you were resting against Regulus’s shoulder. 

“Are you and Harry’s dad cousins?” Celeste asked. Your back went rigid as Regulus sputtered and choked on his eggnog.

“Why…where did you hear that?” You asked. 

“Milo.”

“I’m going to kill Sirius.” Regulus shook his head.

“The truth is, yes, James and I are cousins.” 

“Did you have a falling out because you hate Harry’s mum?” 

“Oh my god,” Regulus rubbed his temples.

“Who’s Harry?” Atlas asked.

“I do not hate Harry’s mum.” You sighed, “James and I are just not as close as we used to be.”

“You know what,” Regulus stood, “we’re going to Sirius and Remus’s. We can let them explain everything since they felt so strongly about sharing it in the first place.”

“Good idea.” You hoisted Atlas onto your hip, even though he was far too big for it now and apparated as Regulus grabbed firmly onto Celeste’s wrist to apparate them both. You were standing in Sirius and Remus’s living room and you set Atlas down as Sirius entered the room with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn. 

“Oh fuck,” Sirius tried to turn on his heel but you grabbed him by the back of the shirt. 

“You’ve got a big mouth, Black.” You shoved Sirius down on the couch. 

“Moony! Milo! Can you come in here please?” Sirius called as Regulus and Celeste apparated into the room. 

“What’s up, Pads?” Remus entered the room, Milo right behind him.

“Hey Auntie,” Milo said shyly, sitting between his fathers on the couch. 

“Milo, when we speak to you do you hear words or is it just the Charlie Brown whomp sound?” Remus said with a sigh.

“Sorry,” Milo shrugged. 

“We’ll deal with you later. Take your cousins up to your room while your aunt tears me a new asshole.” Sirius sent Milo, Atlas, and Celeste out and then cast a silencing spell over the living room for good measure. 

“What the hell is wrong with you!” You said, slapping Sirius on the chest and arms after each word for emphasis. 

“Milo guessed it! It was really only a manner of time considering your behavior at Kings Cross.” Remus said with a sigh.

“You’re right.” You flopped on the couch next to Remus and put your head in your hands. Regulus sat down next to you and rubbed your back. 

“Do you think it might be time for you and James to reconcile? It’s been ten years since you two last spoke.” Remus asked.

“I don’t know. I’ve been carrying this resentment so long I might feel lonely without it.” You said with a weak chuckle. There was a loud crack in the air and James, Lily, and Harry were standing in the living room. 

“Sirius!” James roared, “I’m going to kill you!”

“Milo has another parent! Why do target me?” Sirius threw his hands in the air. 

“Kids are upstairs, Harry. Why don’t you join them while we talk?” Remus sent Harry upstairs. 

“I think we should have a conversation about how we’d like to proceed. Celeste and Harry are closer than ever and I don’t think any of us have been very fair.” Regulus said with a deep sigh. 

✰

“James!” You said in a sing-song voice as you set your book down and settled down on the blanket that James had spread in front of the lake. James, Sirius, and Remus had been taking advantage of the nice day and were studying outside by the Black Lake. 

“What is it?” James was pretending to be exasperated but he couldn’t hide his smile. He always had a soft spot for his baby cousin. 

“I need your potions notes. We’re brewing liquid luck and Slughorn assigned me a terrible partner.” You said with a sigh. 

“Who’d he assign you?” Sirius asked. 

“Your little brother,” you said with an eyeroll.

“Come on,” Remus exhaled lazily, handing you a joint that he’d lit a few moments before, “as far as Slytherins go, Regulus is pretty good at potions.”

“Yeah, yeah he’s a potions wiz. I don’t need him mansplaining potions to me so I need to read up on liquid luck and show his ass up.” You said before taking a long drag of the joint, “This is really good, Remus.”

“Thanks, I did get an O in herbology.” Remus laughed. 

“Here,” James was forever organized and was able to locate his notes from last year rather quickly, “use them wisely.” 

“Hey Prongs did you tell the young Miss Potter your news?” Sirius asked, taking the joint from you.

“No! What’s your news, Jamie?” You poked James in the ribs playfully. 

“Now that Lily and I have been dating for a few months now, I’d like for you two to officially meet.” James said with a grin. Your stomach turned unpleasantly. You had only ever seen Lily in passing, considering you were in Slytherin and a year younger than the Marauders. You hadn’t liked how James had pined after Lily considering she did not make it a secret how she despised him. Sure, James was a bit immature sometimes but he had the biggest heart of anyone you knew. You swallowed all that down and grinned, 

“Can’t wait. When are we going to meet?”

“Why don’t you come to the Gryffindor common room tomorrow night?”

“Sounds like a plan.” You grinned. You had to leave the warm sun and your friends an hour later to meet with Regulus to start the potions work. You didn’t care for Regulus. Being a close friend of Sirius meant that Regulus was naturally more haughty towards you and you thought he could be unnecessarily cruel whenever he was around Barty Crouch Jr. To you had been less than pleased when Slughorn had paired you together would be an understatement. 

You found him sitting at a table in the corner of the library, bent over a book. 

“Hello Regulus,” you said, sitting down next to him. 

“Hi. I thought we could start with raiding the greenhouses to find some horseradish. The first step of brewing Felix Felicis is to mix ashwinder eggs and horseradish.” Regulus said. 

“I think it’d be better actually to substitute wasabi for horseradish. Apparently it makes the potion more potent.” You said, setting James’ notes out in front of you.

“These notes are brilliant,” Regulus snatched up the page and studied it. 

“Thanks, they’re my cousin’s.” You shrugged. You worked for a while with Regulus before walking together back to the Slytherin dorms. 

“You know…it’s funny.” Regulus said with a small shake of his curls. 

“What is?”

“You and I both have close family in Gryffindor. The Gryffindor/Slytherin mix isn’t super common.” Regulus said. 

“Yeah I guess you’re right.”

“We’re not so different are we?” 

“I’m nothing like you, Regulus. I’m not cruel.” You crossed your arms. You were at your door now and weren’t entirely sure why Regulus had walked you all the way up to the girls dorms. 

“The Felix Felicis takes six months to brew. I bet you’ll be under me by then.” Regulus said with a confident laugh.

“In your dreams, Black.” You said with an eyeroll. You entered your room and huffed but had to admit it was a bit hard to hide your smile. 

✰

You were nervous as you ascended the steps up to the Gryffindor common room. You didn’t know what it was exactly but you weren’t looking forward to meeting Lily. You shook the thoughts from your brain as Sirius let you into the common room. 

“Remus!” You said with a grin, jumping into Remus’s lap and accepting the joint from him. Lily was perched on James’ lap and she was grinding down on him as they made out like their lives depended on it. 

“Break it up, love birds, you have company.” Sirius said, slapping James upside the head on his way back to the couches. 

“Sorry,” James said, sheepishly, setting Lily down next to him. James introduced you two. 

“Lily, it’s great to finally meet you. The guys talk about you all the time.” You said with a smile.

“Ditto! James always says you’re one of the most important people in his life.” Lily grinned. 

“Yeah. James and I are both only children so we really felt more like siblings than cousins.”

“Are you the first Potter in Slytherin?” Lily asked. It was an innocent enough question, Lily could not have known that it had been a sore subject in your family. You were the first Potter in Slytherin. No Potter had been in a house that was not in Gryffindor for over one thousand years. It had been a shock to your family. 

“Uh, yes I am.” You tried to hide your discomfort over the question. 

“Oh. Good for you.”

“And you’re a muggle born, right?”

“Yes.” Lily’s eyes flashed dangerously. 

“Good for you.” You responded. The rest of the night passed rather quickly and then James walked you back to the Slytherin dorms. 

“So?” He asked excitedly.

“So what?” 

“So what did you think of Lily? She’s great, isn’t she?” James was beaming.

“She’s something.” You pursed your lips. 

“What do you mean?”

“I hate her.” You said with a head shake. James was shocked. He tried to get more out of you, but you told him you were tired and went to bed. James felt like his brain was in shambles as he made his way back to the Gryffindor common room. Only Lily was left, reading a book by the fire. 

“Hey love,” James sat down next to her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

“Hi James. Have a good walk?” She asked. 

“Yeah, yeah. You liked my cousin, right?”

“Your cousin?” Lily said nervously, “Yeah! She’s quite spirited.” 

“Oh my god you hate her, don’t you?” James’s heart felt like it had dropped into his ass.

“I do!” Lily groaned, “But honestly I barely know her. We’ll get together more and more and hopefully we’ll become good friends. It’s clear to me that we both care about you a lot and want the best for you.” Lily said. James could only shrug. 

✰

As Lily and James became closer and closer, you started spending less and less time in the Gryffindor common room. You also became closer to Regulus as you continued working on your potions project together. You were finally able to meet Regulus for your final potion check before you submit it as a final to Slughorn. As you made your way down you ran into James. 

“Hey! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. I miss you.” James said, slinging an arm over your shoulders. 

“I know! It’s just been so busy with classes and finals but I’m about to submit my potions final so that’ll be a huge weight off my shoulders.” You said with a grin. 

“We’re going to the Three Broomsticks tonight, why don’t you meet us there? Celebrate the end of potions for the year” James said, “We’ll get properly pissed.”

“That sounds great. Who all is going?” You asked. 

“The whole gang! Remus, Sirius, Mary, Marlene, Lily.”

“Lily?” You faltered. 

“I know you aren’t her biggest fan but I promise it’ll be fun.” James begged.

“Alright! I’ll see you later then. Have a butterbeer waiting for me.” You called as James reascended the steps. He sent you thumbs up before disappearing around the corner. You walked into the potions classroom and saw Slughorn was peering over your cauldron as Regulus explained away. 

“Ah Ms. Potter, nice of you to join us. I was just about to review your potion. I believe you and Mr. Black were assigned Felix Felicis.”

“Yes sir, we were.” You nodded. 

“As I was saying,” Regulus said with a quick nod in your direction, “we decided to add wasabi instead of horseradish to the potion in order to increase its potency. 

“Very smart.” Slughorn nodded. He mulled over the potion for a full two minutes before nodding. “Outstanding work you two. I knew great things would come from the two of you. Your reward is that you are able to keep the potion. I’m sure you both understand, however, that use of the potion during a Quidditch match is strictly illegal.” 

“We understand, professor.” Regulus nodded. Professor Slughorn stalked out of the room. You and Regulus hugged tightly. 

“We did it! Do you want the potion? I don’t have any use for it.” You said with a shrug.

“Yeah.” Regulus nodded. He uncorked the vial and swallowed it down.

“What are you doing?” You raised your eyebrow and looked at him.

“I needed it for what I’m about to do.” Regulus said. Before you could ask him what he was talking about, Regulus grabbed you by the waist and kissed you hard. You were surprised at first but then you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him back.

“Oh wow.” You said when you broke apart. 

“Will you go out with me?” Regulus asked, brushing his curls out of his face. 

“Yeah. Do you want to go to the Three Broomsticks with me?” You asked. 

“Yeah I do.” Regulus grinned. 

The two of you walked hand in hand to Hogsmeade. It seemed that the Gryffindors had started without you and the group was very, very drunk. Lily was perched in James’s lap again and you tried not to roll your eyes.

“What are you two doing here?” Sirius asked, slurring his words a bit, “I mean…what are you two doing here together?”

“We’re friends, Sirius.” You rolled your eyes. You and Regulus were able to catch up to the rest of the crowd quickly. 

“More than that.” Regulus laughed and slung his arm over your shoulders. 

“Really?” James narrowed his eyes. 

“Why not?” You snuggled yourself deeper into Regulus’s arms. 

“He’s a Slytherin. He’s dangerous.” James snapped at you.

“I’m a Slytherin.” You bit the inside of your cheek harshly. 

“So you finally made your way over to dark wizards? Guess you really are a Slytherin.” Lily giggled. 

“And you’ve proven that you can live up to the stereotype of annoying muggleborns.” You shot back. 

“Stop it.” James frowned but it was too late. The storm between you and Lily had been brewing for six months and there was no stopping it now.

“You know what James, I can’t do this anymore. It’s her or me.” Lily crossed her arms over her chest. 

“Oh come on! Like James is going to pick some girl he’s been dating for less than a year over his cousin.” You rolled your eyes.

“Don’t do this. You both are being unfair.” James said. 

“James didn’t tell you? After we graduate, we’re moving in together.” Lily spat at you.

“Make your choice James.” You said coldly. 

“No.” James shook his head.

“Fine,” you said, standing and grabbing Regulus’s hand, “I’ll make it for you. Goodbye.” And you stormed off. 

✰

There was quite a bit of electricity in the air during the Quidditch final. It was already charged, being a competition between Gryffindor and Slytherin. You and Regulus were both playing as chaser and seeker respectively. This was an important match for you, you were being scouted by four different professional Quidditch teams and the representatives were all in the stands. You still had a year of Hogwarts left after this one but the teams were ready to make an offer that would work around your school schedule. 

You couldn’t think about that right now, though. You wanted to stomp Gryffindor into the dirt. Your blood was pulsating in your ears as Madame Hooch blew the whistle to signify the start of the match.

The match was vicious, with you and James diving at each other and playing dirtier than you ever had to before. You were flying next to James and you shoulder checked him rougher than you should’ve. James nearly fell off his broom but he was able to swing all the way around and restabilize. 

“That was a cheap shot!” James spat at you.

“Guess I’m just a lousy Slytherin.” You spat back. “At least I’m not wrapped around the finger of a witch with a stick up her ass.”

That was too far, you knew it, but you were too upset to care. James yanked at the back of your broom just as a bludger rammed itself into your chest. You fell hard and Madame Hooch had been too enraptured in a squabble between the Sirius and the Slytherin beaters to notice what was happening until it was too late. You hit the ground hard and heard a sickening crunch sound as your arm was wrenched awkwardly behind your back. You groaned as Madame Hooch started running towards you and blowing her whistle wildly. Before she reached you, though, your broom did and it embedded itself in your shoulder. You were screaming so loud your throat was raw. You tried to grab at your broom with your other hand but realized that the broom had impaled the fleshy part of your shoulder and was anchoring you to the ground. 

“Oh my God,” Madame Hooch gasped as she made her way towards you. Madame Pomfrey was hot on her heels and she knelt down next to you. Regulus made his way down to you next. He dropped to his knees next to you and grabbed at your hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. Then Sirius landed. He took one look at you and promptly vomited into the grass. James was there next, his face paler than it had ever been. 

“Alright love, I’m going to move you over to the hospital wing where I’ll give you a sedative and assess the damage.” Madame Pomfrey said. You wished that Madame Pomfrey had given you the sedative before she moved you. You had never and would never again experience such pain. Not when you gave birth, not when you had been a victim of cruciatus  curse, not ever. Madame Pomfrey had to move you again to St. Mungos and a team of healers were put together to remove your broom from your shoulder and patch you up. 

When you were finally stable again, the doctor who had been presiding over your case made his way to your bedside. Your parents and Regulus had been by your side for the entire four day period. 

“It will take time for your shoulder to heal. It faced an unbelievable trauma and even after much physical therapy, rigorous potion taking, and rehabilitation your shoulder will never reach its full, working capacity.” 

“So I’ll never play Quidditch again.” You said bitterly.

“Oh darling let’s just be happy that you’re okay.” Your mother tried but you shook your head. 

“I’m so sorry, Ms. Potter, but no. Playing professionally will not be possible.” The doctor bowed his head. 

You refused James’s visits for the next two weeks until you were able to be discharged from the hospital. You were home, laying on your bed and staring at the ceiling. You wanted to rip down your Quidditch posters but you couldn’t extend your arm that far up yet. You were forced to just glare up at them. 

“Hey, can I come in?” James asked, knocking on your open door. You looked at him and turned back to stare at the ceiling. “You have no idea how sorry I am. I have never felt more terrible in my entire life. I thought you were going to die,” James had tears in his eyes, “and it would have been all my fault. All over something so stupid. But I’m glad that you’re alive. But I am so so sorry that I cost you your career. If I could go back and erase it, I would.” 

“I don’t ever want to see you again.” You said softly and stared at the ceiling until James left the room. 

✰

You and James did not speak for four years. He got married and you got married and it was bizarre. All of a sudden you were no longer speaking to your best friend. Good things came out of the situation, though. You and Regulus got married and had a baby. Regulus and Sirius repaired their relationship and Sirius and Remus married and had a baby as well. You and Reg had Sirius and Remus over often, watching the newly one year olds play together. 

“I still can’t believe that you named her Celeste.” Sirius shook his head. 

“Why? You don’t like the name?” You asked with a soft laugh.

“I just can’t believe you stuck with the celestial theme.” Sirius rolled his eyes. Regulus laughed too.

“It wasn’t even my idea,” Regulus laughed, “my darling bride thought of it. She wanted Celeste for a girl and Atlas for a boy.”

“You really are a Slytherin.” Sirius laughed and gave you a kiss on the cheek before scooping Milo up.

“We should get home and give Milo a bath before bed. I don’t know why people think that having babies is hard. Milo’s a dream.” Sirius shrugged. He apparated out. Remus was about to follow when he turned to you.

“What is it Remus?” Regulus asked. 

“I know you don’t want to hear it, but James and Lily are in a rough place. James might try to reach back out to you.” Remus said. 

“I’m not interested in that.” You said, looking down at your lap. 

“I know. Just thought I would give you a heads up.” Remus said with a smile before apparating out.

“Celeste still has so much energy. Should we let her play for a little longer before bed?” Regulus asked, settling into the couch. 

“Yeah, why not.” You shrugged. You and Regulus chatted idly for a bit longer before you heard a knock at the door. 

“Think that’s Sirius forgetting something?” Regulus asked. You stood up and headed for the door, 

“Doubt it. When has Sirius ever knocked?” You laughed. You opened the door and your jaw dropped in shock when you saw James at your doorstep, Harry on his hip.

“Hey.” James said softly.

“James. What are you doing here?” You asked. 

“Who is it?” Regulus called from the couch. 

“Uh, it’s James.” You responded. 

“I’m sorry,” Regulus walked up over to where you were, “I thought you said James but I must have mis-” Regulus went silent. 

“What are you doing here?” You asked. 

“I, uh, I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk about things.” James said, bouncing Harry on his hip a few times. 

“Why don’t you come in,” Regulus stepped back to let James in. He lead James into the sitting room where Celeste was sitting on the ground and playing with her toys. 

“Thanks, Regulus.” James said as he entered. 

“Why don’t you let Harry play with Celeste?” Regulus offered. James set Harry down next to Celeste. “I’ll go make some tea.” Regulus left you and James sitting on the couch in awkward silence. 

“Harry looks like you.” You said softly.

“Yeah, yeah he does. Celeste looks like you.”

“Seems like they were fast friends.” You said. Harry and Celeste were curled up, yawning and grabbing at each other’s feet. 

“That’s good. It’s good for cousins to be close.” James said. 

“I heard things between you and Lily are rough right now.” 

“It’s just a rough patch. But I’m sorry about the way things happened. I want Harry to have his cousin in his life. I want my cousin in my life.” James was nervous, you could tell. 

“I don’t know if it’s fair to set up Celeste for that kind of heartbreak. Wouldn’t want the kids to get close only to have Harry abandon Celeste for some girl and then nearly kill her.”

“That’s not fair,” Regulus said, setting down the tray with the tea.

“I don’t have to be fair. James cost me everything.” You said, your jaw set. 

“I want to start over. Please. I love you, I miss you.” James begged. 

“Then why did you choose Lily?” Emotion was cracking through your cold exterior. 

“I didn’t!” “You did! I’m your family! You never should’ve chosen her over me.” You said, rising from your seat. 

“You never should’ve made me choose!” James screamed back. 

“Maybe we should revisit this later when everyone has had a chance to calm down.” Regulus stood between you and James now.

“No. I think you’ve made it very clear. Sorry I tried.” James scooped up Harry and left, slamming the door shut behind him. 

✰

“No, we haven’t been fair.” You said, “But I’d like an apology.”

“I’m sorry! I’m so so sorry for everything I did to you.” James gushed, grabbing your hand. 

“Not from you,” you shook your head, “from Lily.”

#james potter #atyd marauders #marauders #sirius black #remus lupin #regulus black #regulus black angst #regulus black x reader #wolfstar

[mylittleredgirl]

i had a strange dream last night that my mother, when she was in hospice, decided to go back to canada to die. we weren't allowed to go with her. she drove away in a white sedan with her dear lifelong friend who used to be a priest, and left me and my father here. we said our last goodbyes here in the driveway, and she wouldn't promise that we could talk on the phone. we just had to wait and go about our lives, mourning someone who was maybe still alive or had maybe already died, wondering if someone would call to tell us what was happening. i think my dad moved out like he did a while after she died in real life, and it was just me here, remodeling the house.

isn't that such a metaphor for loved ones dying? the hope that they will return to the place they came from and have missed, but the sorrow of not being able to join them. the hope we might receive messages, but it's long distance. that we will never know if they are in peace, in a place they once loved, or if it all ended on the way.

this morning my cousin texted me from canada to tell me that my aunt, my mom's sister, has terminal cancer and she didn't know if anyone had told me yet. (they hadn't.)

there's so much love underneath all the distance (and the family complications that came from my mom leaving the church), but i'm so far and have been since i was a little child. farther now, because i am sick and can't drive nine hours each way for a weekend like i wish i could. i'm not sure if a visit would be welcome (because she's suffering and it would be one more thing for my cousin to manage, not because i'm personally unloved). i could visit my other cousins, perhaps, or my aunts and uncles. i am my mother's representative here on earth now.

my dream wasn't necessarily prophetic, although i hope that it might mean If There Are Spirits that my mom's is going north to support her sister. last week, i re-lived the harrowing end of my mom life while i was writing a letter in support of the death with dignity act. yesterday, i re-read a story i wrote about a son watching his mother suffer from dementia. i wrote it in 2007, two years before my mother's first cancer diagnosis. back then, her great fear was that she would ultimately die from alzheimer's like her mother, who wasted away in hospice for more than 10 years. in the face of that, her dying painfully and relatively young from cancer was a relief to both of us. i guess my aunt will also be spared that fate.

i feel most for my cousin who is closest, who has to hold so much of this. i can't know her experience, but i have done the caretaking, have watched my mother suffer, have had to hold the feelings of my father losing his wife. i don't know my cousin well enough to know how to support her without that support itself adding more weight.

i'm not sure what my next step is. i texted my other cousins, and my cousin's wife who i think will be the best one to help me figure out what will be most helpful. in the meantime i'm processing, i guess.

#death tw #parent death tw

[sofie-toffy]

SatoSugu angst!

Satoru x Suguru angst fanfic

This is basically the ending of the jjk0 movie but in gojo’s pov + with a little prediction of what gojo said to geto. This is a little inspired by the song “Snow” by Ricky Montgomery…I recommend listening to it while reading this! This is one of my first few fanfics so I’d like some feedback and thoughts :)

This fic doesn’t completely confirm satosugu as a romantic relationship but I think I wrote some implications pretty well

Contains spoilers!!

“Satoru…” Geto’s voice was stifled, yet he still spoke of gojo’s name with such gentleness

Do you have any last words, suguru? Satoru asks, his throat weak and suffocating, so desperately wanting to cry out, to cling on to him, wanting everything back the way it was. He wants to heal him, place a reverse curse technique and stop him from taking his last moments. But alas, he couldn’t, he can’t. Not when he’s the enemy. Not when they’re opposite sides of the same coin. Not when he threatens to harm his students. But he loves him so much…he misses him so much…

He spent the past decade trying to ignore him, but now he has no choice but to watch him leave. Witness as death separates him..now there really is no chance of meeting him, or saying a simple hello…yet he has so much to say for the achingly long time he spent alone.

It’s been about more than a decade since they separated…yet it felt like just yesterday. Almost every night, gojo dreams of geto, reminiscing the days where things weren’t complicated…where it was just laughter and careless banter…and he wakes up and realizes the reality, and that everything happened in such a short amount of time. His best friend left him with little explanation. He had to go through his high school days, graduating without his closest friend. He spends every day wondering what went wrong…how could he have messed up? He’s known as the strongest sorcerer and yet he couldn’t save the person he loved most. Geto was one of the very few people who saw Satoru as Satoru…not the most powerful sorcerer, not some renowned superior, but as Satoru…as a friend, as a person. He wishes that he could turn back time, help his best friend when he needed it most. He so much begs to trade all his renowned power to change everything, to spend more time with his one and only, to laugh carelessly as they so easily used to.

But he snaps out of his thoughts, and turns back to the present moment. And here they are, wasting their chances for the last time, having so many words unspoken.

“No matter what others say, I hate those monkeys..but I never held any hatred for those in jujutsu high school…I just couldn’t wear a heartfelt smile in this world..”Geto chuckles weakly, his eyes tired

Gojo walks closer, sitting near him. He opens his mouth, trying so desperately to say something…there was so much to say yet so little time..his throat stuck, eyes burning with neglected tears. He decides to say something, not wasting this moment, not when they were to separate permanently.

“Thank you.”

He speaks out, voice deep yet cracking. With all that happened, all the words and sentences he could’ve ranted, he said just 2 words. He didn’t regret it though, no not at all. He’s always wanted to say thank you to Geto, he couldn’t even say a proper goodbye after they separated after all.

“At least curse me a little at the end…”

Geto’s eyes widen, soft tears falling on his scarred face. He really did love Geto. He didn’t want to separate from him, but he did what he had to protect him. His lips weakly curled up into a smile, his eyes showing infinite gratitude before he takes his last breath.

I made a quick sketch based on the fanfic :D I wanted to draw in a style that reminded me of manga (im crying sm rn)

#Spotify #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen suguru #jjk suguru #jjk spoilers #jjk geto #jjk gojo #angst #jjk angst #gojo saturo #satosugu #satoru x suguru #satosugu angst #satosugu fic #fanfic

[a9saga]

i mentioned this but my grandfather passed away last week. he was 95. my grandmother died in february of 2021 and it's really something that he made it that long without her at his age. they were married 69 years and had 7 children and 21 grandchildren, as well as 11 great grandchildren now with two more on the way. his wake was wednesday night and the memorial mass and burial were yesterday.

my auntie cindy married my dad's oldest brother i believe 50 years ago now. they were high school sweethearts. she knew my grandparents since she was a child, so did the rest of her family for that matter. my grandmother or sometimes my father used to mention a boy in the neighborhood who had unfortunately died very young of a drug overdose. no one outright told me this but i put together when i got older that that was cindy's brother. this is to say of all the in laws that cindy was well acquainted with my family for the longest time, and my family with hers as well.

some months after my grandmother's death, that spring or early summer, cindy had sent out a letter to everyone recalling growing up around my grandmother and marrying into the family, maintaining that relationship for decades. she mentioned something her brother used to say that my grandmother would often quote when cindy wasn't around. she closed the letter with, "i just wanted you to know that i loved your mother like she was my own," which i think was always very evident. cindy's own mother had passed away somewhere over a decade earlier. 4 or 5 years ago diana and i were over her house with our mother, cindy referred to a picture of her mother in the kitchen and said "i talk to her all the time." she's not religious, if that makes it any different. she and everyone else in my family were raised catholic but if you ever get on the topic with her, she thinks the bible and christianity and everything are a load of bullshit. but regardless she does speak to a picture of her mother, which i think is pretty interesting. but i digress.

at the wake, there was a line to the coffin with my grandfather in it. cindy's a sociable person. i got in line behind someone i didn't know. a lot of family friends showed up. cindy came and started chatting her up and she introduced me, and then she told me she'd gotten in line about 6 times but shied away from actually paying her final respects. i was like, wanna do it with me? and she did. so we kneeled before the coffin and she caressed the rosary in his hands, and when we got up i mentioned how much i appreciated her letter in 2021, and it took her by surprise. she said she had wanted to read it as a eulogy at her mother-in-law's funeral but she and my other aunt ended up in a bad argument around it. neither of them are perfect, to be clear. that's not why i'm making this post and i don't plan to elaborate on that.

but anyway, after the burial yesterday everyone went to lunch. i could tell all of my dad's siblings appreciated having each other after both of their parents have died. last weekend my dad and his brother that he's closest to went out to lunch because both my mom and aunt thought they needed it, i know first hand my dad has been very down in the dumps about everything. but anyway, after lunch yesterday when cindy was saying goodbye to me, she rubbed my chin and said "thank you, that was so sweet of you to bring up the letter about connie last night. do you know you had me crying on the way home?"--i don't think i have ever seen cindy cry.

#under a break bc it's just long as hell #i miss both of my grandparents #i am all right tho #also established at the wake/funeral i have long overdue hanging out with my cousin in boston to do #after everything i think everyone is at peace #i got my grandfather a '365 things to appreciate about being irish' calendar last christmas #i didn't anticipate he would remember to flip the pages every day #but i did have fun reading him weeks at a time when i visited him #i am not surprised he did not live to finish it but i kind of anticipated that nd that is okay #what a long couple of weeks #i was just numb and out of character since last monday but i finally got some overdue tears out yesterday #going that long without being ready to cry was scary and somewhat guilt inducing #shut up kaily

[shammah8]

"Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness."

Hebrews 12:10

SUFFERING CAN MAKE OUR LIVES MORE HOLY

Christmas is a time of peace and joy for those who are fortunate enough to celebrate the birth of their Saviour in freedom. For Marko and his two fellow believers it was the fifteenth Christmas that they had to celebrate behind the bars of a prison cell in a Muslim country.

The next day some colleagues felt they had to visit Marko and his friends as an encouragement and confirm to them once again the love of Immanuel—God with us.

Even though they often heard the saying that a prison cell in the Middle East is the closest to hell that you will experience on earth, nothing prepared them for the sense of hopelessness that they experienced in that waiting room of despair.

As the prisoners entered, it was not difficult to recognise Marko and his two friends. Beaming eyes and smiling faces immediately assured them Marko and friends knew they had not been separated from the love of God.

Tears flowed freely as they shared how lonely they were on Christmas day and how joyful they were to know that they were not forgotten.

“It was so difficult yesterday.” Marko spoke softly. “Apart from being Christian prisoners in a Muslim prison, it was also a fast day of Ramadan. We were not allowed out of our cells and we were not allowed to talk to anyone. Fortunately, a week ago the three of us got hold of pieces of a cake and we hid them underneath our cushions especially for Christmas day. Yesterday, when the fast was broken, we simply walked to one another, held the slices of cake together and said “Merry Christmas!”

The visiting hour flew past and soon it was time to say goodbye. Before being marched back to his prison cell, we looked at Marko and asked him a final question. “What are you going to do when you get to your cell and are once again all alone?

Marko smiled and answered, “I will simply spread the wings of my spirit and fly to Jesus."

Response

Today I will seek to understand the biblical principle that suffering makes our lives more holy.

Prayer

Lord, help me, like Marko, to keep my eyes fixed on You regardless of my circumstances.

© 2013 Open Doors International. Used by permission

[dailyangelrant]

What have I been doing lately?

Life has been so messy lately. I was messing with Ema (the italian) and everything was so confusing. I wasn't sure if our relationship was merely physical even though he was saying that there was more there for him? He went to NYC over the past weekend and I had assumed that he would be going there for other girls. I didn't say anything to him. We didn't talk most of the weekend. I just assumed that I was being played and I was tired of my emotions clouding my judgement. I was upset that I felt uncontrollable feelings for someone else. I didn't like that. I'm not ready for that. Fast-forward him getting back that Sunday (yesterday) evening, he texts me to meet him at a study hall near our dorm building. I head over there and it's him and his friend Luca. I was also told that Lou would be coming over and that he wasn't happy to see me. Ema asked me and Luca to go on a walk so that him and Lou can work on one of his papers. Luca and I leave around 11 I think and we were outside all night until 3am. Then, we went to my room and hung out until 6am when we fell asleep. I felt something with him? And I kind of hate myself for it. Why do I keep putting myself in these awkward situations?

This afternoon, I get a text from Ema asking if we can talk. I thought it had to have been about the Luca thing. My heart was racing and I was so anxious because I didn't know what to say. Luca is one of his closest friends.

He comes by my room and he asks "is there something between you and Landon?"

To say I was shocked is an understatement. I quite literally laughed it off, of course not. I was relieved that it wasn't about Luca because I had absolutely zero feelings towards Landon. Ema was concerned because I had gone to one of Landon's indoor soccer games and posted him onto my story.

Fast-forward, me absolutely freaking out because I feel like I'm lying to Ema. He kept trying to touch on me in the room and I kept evading. It just felt so wrong?? I felt guilty because I was lying, and I almost didn't enjoy his touch as much anymore? I felt like his eyes were beginning to tear up and then he asked to go downstairs to get dinner. I was pretty much wigging out at this point. I reluctantly go with him and I barely ate anything. I realized at that point that I would need to go for a run to relieve some of the feelings. I went outside and enjoyed a nice run. I think my endurance is rising a little, that, or my anxiety. I made it back around 7:40, so a few minutes before I was supposed to join my first therapy session.

I've never done therapy before but it was fairly simple. I just talked a little, the guy asked questions, and then we said our goodbye's. I signed up for another session.

After that, I saw that Ema left a pen in my room so I sent him a picture of it and he texted me saying that it belongs to him. For some stupid reason I said that he can come get it. He said to come hangout with him and one of his friends, Stella, and we can all study. Now it feels so weird because I was trying to indicate to him earlier that I didn't want anything with him anymore.

However, I'm an idiot and now I'm in a study room with him. While somewhat texting Luca? Life is so god damn messy. I think this is my fault though.

[the-force-is-grumpy]

I feel like I have to shout into the void. I don't think anyone personally knows me on this account so I shouldn't scare anyone.

I am still living with my ex, keep finding out after our relationship has ended the different times he cheated on me (up to 7 times now). I lost my temper yesterday and yelled at him. Big fight. He lit a gift I gave him on fire after. Outside at least.

I feel like I have to hide away now, and at least I have my own room. But my job ends in December and I won't have the money for this lease. I'm moving out in January, but our sublet backed out today.

My ex owes me $1000 and said I won't get it if I snap even one more time. I literally don't know how I'll survive without that money if this room doesn't get sublet. If I do it will be by selling everything valuable I own, probably driving for Lyft again if I even still legally can, so on. I can probably logistically find a way in the short term, but I'm legally bound $1300 a month to this place until July. I can probably only do one month unless a job falls out if they sky from my hundreds of applications over the last 6 months. It's not looking good. 100,000 layoffs in my industry in a month.

I am at my wits end. I'm splintering. I have headaches daily and a migraine last week that put me completely out of commission and nearly in the ER. My chronic illness is bad again, in daily pain getting worse. My temper didn't hardly exist until a year or two ago. Only ever around my brother as a kid. Now I'm just a nightmare. I can't handle any of this anymore. I just want to escape permanently. I can't stand to be out of my room so I'm avoiding meals. My dog is upset because I don't let him around the house to play because I'm scared my ex might decide to hurt him (probably irrational but I just can't risk it, he's the only thing I have keeping me alive).

I have this shot at rebuilding my life at the end of January. But I feel like making it there is maybe not even going to happen anymore. I just think maybe I'm better off dead at this point. Just leave my dog with my parents where he'll be happy and taken care of, and finally end it all. If I wasn't scared about my dog's life away from my parents I'd probably already be dead. Actually I know I would. I'm bringing him with me at Christmas to my parents house. I'm supposed to be there until new years eve. But maybe it's better if I just don't ever see 2023. I don't think I can recover from this. I'm not myself anymore. I'm just sad and angry and lost. I don't think I'll make it anymore. It's been too many years too much.

This relationship was the final straw. Someone I thought was so good and so loving just also is really horrible to the people closest to him and because of his mental illness he doesn't even remember it. So he never changes. I had to give up my whole life, 3.5 years and thousands of dollars to find that out. If I couldn't figure out the red flags then it's not like I can ever get it right. I always fuck it up. Can't choose a good partner to save my life. Literally I suppose at this point.

If I survive new Year's it's cowardice. It's really over at this point. I'll say one last goodbye to everyone and disappear finally. Most people won't probably notice for a long time. Just have to figure out how to leave whatever money I have left to my friends that helped me with the plan to move. I feel terrible that I can't make it there. But they'd be better off without me there. I'd just be a financial and emotional drain. I love them, and all my friends so much. And my little cousin, and my mom. And my dog. I just don't think it's worth it for me to still be here, I'm just too much of a mess to be worthy of their friendship anymore. I fucked up too bad this time. There's no coming back.

I really hope no one I know sees this blog. I don't think anyone does. But if you do know me, just leave it. I'm really not worth the trouble. I'm not who I used to be.

[carolinebdavis]

This past week, while in Nebraska, I had the opportunity of sharing my faith story with 67 youth and adults from around the United States while at the ELCA Youth Leadership Summit. Please be advised that I will be discussing death and cancer.

“Hey y’all! My name is Caroline and this is my faith story. I was born and raised in Lexington, South Carolina and baptized into the church at 2 weeks old. I was the kid that made my parents fear every Sunday during children’s sermon due to uncertainty of what would come out of my mouth next. I grew up going to church every Sunday and then going to my grandmother’s house to eat a meal that she prepared for our entire family. I have always lived a very faith and family centered life. For over half of my life, my entire family has lived on one road, seeing each other at least 4 days a week. In 2013, my grandfather was diagnosed with PSP and I had watched my grandmother so selflessly, care for him. In 2017, the day after Christmas, he passed away and for the first time in five years, my grandmother was free to live the life that she had always dreamt of living with her husband, but instead live with her grandchildren. Less than 4 months later, she was diagnosed with bile duct cancer, putting a pause on those plans. She traveled back and forth to get treatment at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, Texas. Her biggest dream had always been to go to New York but when the conversation of a family trip arose and she opted for a more family friendly destination. On October 9th, she flew our whole family to Washington DC and just enjoyed spending quality time with each other. Not even a full week after we returned, her health began declining very rapidly. She stopped getting out of her chair and eventually stopped eating. While I had been living with her the entire month, leading up to her passing, the moment I realized how close the end was, I was suddenly not okay. I said I said “I love you” every chance I got and did not leave her side. I watched as a group of her closest friends gathered around her singing her her favorite hymns, witnessed everyone who knew her share their final goodbyes, and on All Saints Sunday, November 3rd at 7:43 pm, she took her final breath. In that exact moment, I felt more regret and guilt than ever before. My biggest role model and the leader of my faith journey was gone forever. I didn’t appreciate the time that I had with her that I could have had to have the deep, faith conversations that I have always dreamed of having with her. My faith was as strong as ever. I watched her handle dying with full faith in the Lord and I felt so close to her when I read my Bible and took intentional time to be with Jesus. I began praying to her as a way to feel connected and I did have my cousins, her dog, and her friends to keep her memory alive but when COVID hit, I was left to grieve alone. I was no longer able to grieve along side other people and my faith began to decline. I still believed and put on a show but I stopped living out my faith and stopped truly following Jesus. While yesterday marked year three without her, I am still grieving and growing in my faith but this is where I am now and I am beloved no matter what.”

[seafoamchild]

it's hot this week. me and lora went to the beach again. the water is still really cold. but it feels nice to get some sun and get all sandy. we went to the sand dunes again with christine the other day and it was sooooo fun. we tripped acid again and took the paddleboard wayyyy out into the lake, like so far we could barely see the people on the beach. it took us like an hour to paddle back to shore. it felt like we were in the caribbean honestly. we even saw a monarch butterfly fluttering above the water. we laughed so much and were just happy to be alive. then after we got home me and lora went on our patio and looked at the stars for a long time. we put our legs in the air and pretended to bike through space. it was extremely fun.

yesterday i met luke for coffee and it was nice. i told him i had been on dates with other people and he told me he had hooked up with another girl but didn't have fun lol. and it felt pretty chill. we still disagreed about the amount of communication we were having. just classic luke, comfortable with being distant way more than i am. which i understand it's tricky in the "Let's be friends" phase, so i respected that he wanted to put a little more distance between us, otherwise it would maybe just feel like we were dating again. we planned to meet up at the outdoor music thing that night with his friend and maybe his cousin, and then to go on a canoe trip tomorrow. and then we made out in my car.

so i texted him that i was on my way to the music thing and he didn't respond. me and lora just picked a spot to put down our blanket and it turned out that we were randomly sitting right behind his friends that he was meeting up with, which we didn't know until he came over and sat right there. and immediately he was super weird. he didn't come over to say hi, didn't suggest like "oh let's combine spots, bring your blanket over here" or anything, he barely said a word. he was with the girl he had hooked up with and her friends, which was honestly fine, i didn't care, but he just kind of ignored me and lora.

and then his cousin and his cousin's girlfriend showed up, who i had met once before, so i was chatting with them and just laughing and being chill. luke said a couple things to me, but i could tell he didn't want to talk to me. overall it was sooooo weird. i was trying to talk to my friends but we were all sitting so awkwardly close that i felt like i needed to make conversation with his friends too, also i was drunk and rolling so i was being super chatty. but luke basically ignored me and lora the whole time, and our goodbye was very awkward.

so i texted him after i got home, like Why were you being so weird, and he tried to justify it by saying his cousin didn't know that we had broken up and thought it was very strange that both me and that other girl were there. like, how did his cousin not know? luke has literally described him as one of his closest friends. and it's been almost two months since we broke up and he never told him? But yeah, he was like My cousin didn't know we broke up and I also didn't know he was gonna be there - like omg dude, you literally told me they might be there, of course you knew they were gonna be there. so why did you not say anything beforehand, like oh btw kate's gonna be there and we're still friends and it's chill?? so mind-boggling.

so he was just describing how awkward it was for him having us all there and how his cousin and his girlfriend were super uncomfortable with the situation and that the other girl didn't know i was his ex-girlfriend. and i get it for sure, like that is super awkward, but DUDE. he orchestrated this whole awkward situation by himself. he didn't fucking tell anyone about us breaking up or being friends, and then after we literally planned to meet up at an event that we knew each other's friends would be at, he like freaked out about everyone judging him and just made it even more weird by ignoring me.

so we talked on the phone this morning and he said he doesn't think we should see each other anymore, and thank god because i don't either. i would never treat a friend the way he treated me last night. that's not what friends do. i told him that, and again, classic luke, always defensive like "i did make an effort to talk to you" like yeah you said like two things to me the entire night and completely ignored my friends. he said it was a wake-up call for him to realize that he can't see me anymore in order to move on, like he's still attracted to me and having me around his friends made him feel weird about how we're like "broken up" but essentially not. and he said he didn't want to deal with being "accosted" by my text messages when we're not in a relationship, and i was like Come on dude, you think i was just gonna not say anything after you ignored me for an evening? Was i supposed to just let that go? like of COURSE i'm going to call you out for that, whether we're dating or not. it's super uncool.

he did own up to the fact that he was the only one acting weird and he was the sole reason everything felt so weird, but i don't think he really took responsibility for being straight up disrespectful to me. whatever. it doesn't matter now. he said "you broke up with me for a reason" and he is right. i broke up with him because he's emotionally immature and i guess we can't have a friendship without him being emotionally immature as well. i thought we could, but silly me.

so i guess the saga is all finished now, which feels relieving. deep down i know that we should never have tried a relationship in the first place, but we did. and i know that we probably should have let things be when we broke up at the end of may, because we parted on such good terms. and now we've parted on not-so-good terms and it feels icky. and we probably shouldn't have tried being friends with benefits, although i really thought it was going okay until last night. at the end of the day, we truly did have a lot of fun together throughout our relationship, wandering through nature and sharing new music and being silly and trying new restaurants. but oh my god he made me so anxious. just constantly distant, both as a boyfriend and a friend. and he would always disagree when i called him out, but i think that's just his emotional immaturity. hopefully he'll get smarter with age, but it's not my problem and i can no longer care about what he does. it's over.

and like i said, it's relieving, because now i don't have him distracting me anymore so i can finally sit down, get my ass in gear and figure out what the fuck i'm DOING here. i need to move on. no more serving job, no more boyfriends, hopefully no more wisconsin eventually. i have to start somewhere so i can get OUT of here! there are better things for me ahead. and i have been hanging onto things that make me unhappy for too long.

#journal

[wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i]

Polish update

I'm not going to lie to y'all, I genuinely have the worst headache after trying to learn how to pronounce the polish alphabet. I audibly laughed a few times because there were so many times when I was just like what the actual fuck is going on rn.

Anyway, here is what I did today:

1. Started writing out conjugations. I've been doing the Polish Duolingo course for just over two weeks now and I've found that it's very hard to go any further without knowing the conjugations, which I'm sure is the same in any language. I know it was like that in Spanish.

Duolingo doesn't give you the conjugation tables early on, so I looked them up and wrote them out in a notebook I got at the dollar general yesterday. I haven't gotten the pink notebook yet, mostly because I never ordered it but just told myself I did to manifest doing it. I kept forgetting to actually order it lol anyway, I wrote them out. The verb byc (I know there is an accent on the c but I don't have it on my keyboard) makes a lot more sense now that I know which conjugations go where.

2. I made it to fifteen days of Duolingo.

3. I learned how to say hello and goodbye. Czesc and Do widzenia. Something about goodbye is so stimmy. I just want to say it over an over! It's my favorite word so far.

4. Got very confused with a bunch of articles talking about how polish people say no when they mean yes. Like one article said an example would be "Jesteś zainteresowany?" and then the answer would be "No, jestem..." (The article didn't end the sentence). This does happen in English, sort of.

When I was growing up in Hawaii, I formed a habit of saying "no" at the start of my sentences. Like, "No, you're so right!" Or "No, look!" It's not the same thing but it's the closest thing I can think of. I definitely have a habit of saying "No, yeah." Or "No, totally." Or "No, for sure." None of which technically make any sense but are very common amongst people my age.

Either way, the entire thing gave me a headache.

And that brings us to number 5.

5. I worked on the polish alphabet and wanted to deepthroat a broken glass liquor bottle while I tried to figure out the ins and outs of pronunciation. I found a great article that carefully explained each of the letters and sounds, especially the ones not found in English. My favorite is the fancy l with the little line through it. I like that it makes next to no sense in my brain. Like why would the w in polish be pronounced like a w in English? Of course it's the l with the little line through it 🙄✋ Polish really said never let them know ur next move, stay mysterious. Polish is just a quirky girly. She's just in a silly funky mood, and I actually love that about her.

Anyway, I learned some really cool facts about entomology in Polish. The letter J was apparently a very controversial letter until the 19th century. It was first introduced in the 16th century by a man with two J's in his name, and remained a highly contested letter until the 19th century when it was finally accepted for good. It was hated so vehemently by one it's critics (who, fun fact, had the name Jan) that it earned the nickname "Gdańsk bastard" as well as "the intruder" and "bad grammatical spirit." So, now I'm wondering if his hatred was really about the letter J or himself 😂

6. I learned while conjugating that while the Polish language has three verb tenses (past, present, and future), the English language has an astounding sixteen! I was very surprised to learn that I know all of these tenses and don't even realize it.

7. My mom came in and told me that her friend Anatol was polish and that he grew up in Warsaw. Love that for him. Immediately began to wonder if I could just soak up all his Polishness through osmosis and skip trying to remember all this by myself. Unfortunately, I cannot. He lives across the country.

8. Today, I learned the word for midnight. Północ. It is pronounced like poonots. I think. So far, I can say moon (księżyc, pronounced like shehzits) and midnight. Tomorrow, I'd like to learn the word for stars, or maybe for sky. I learned the word because today I saw a pretty black cat and realized I didn't know the Polish word for midnight.

9. Recently formally renamed my cat Milk, Mleko. She still has the name milk, but I've made her a Polish cat because I can. So now she has a Polish name. She seems to like her new Polish-American identity. Her friend is now named Kaffee, which is German but it fits.

Goals for tomorrow:

1. Continue learning about the alphabet. I'm thinking picking a letter a day and working on that. Several websites said the key to pronouncing polish correctly is learning this first. Very interesting.

2. Colors 😡 I want to know how to say purple. Not sure why but it's important. Also, I want to start being able to point out the colors around town.

3. Prepare for my first tutoring lesson on Tuesday! Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll clean off my desk and set everything up so I can enjoy tutoring next to the window with the sun shining in.

4. Make flashcards of the verb tenses and add sticky notes around the house of different items.

5. Learn one new word independently of Duolingo. Do something creative with it to memorize it.

Notes: Learning Polish is definitely harder than I ever thought it would be. Mostly because it is a very inaccessible language for someone who is not living in Poland. Since it is primarily spoken there, there aren't as many resources the way there are for Spanish, which is one of the top three languages spoken world wide.

It's sort of like trying to learn Hawaiian outside of the islands. Very hard. Or bemba, which is my father's native language. Both of those are highly centralized to one area, and there aren't many people learning them so there aren't fun little workbooks or anything.

I plan to go to the bookstore tomorrow, however. So maybe I'll find a few resources there.

Also, I remembered the word for cat today. It's not a hard one to remember lol but I was very excited that I remembered the word so easily.

That's all I've got about polski for now. Do widzenia!

#brookspolishpractice

[penmansparadise]

It Was Always You ~ Chapter One

Pairing: Brother’s Best Friend!Bucky x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings: Mild language

Playlist

a/n: Here it is, chapter one!  Sorry for those of you that had to wait for this.  I am currently on HST.  I will try my best to update this series every Monday, but I just had a baby, you guys, so my schedule is all over the place right now.  But, I will do my best.  Enjoy chapter one, and let me know what you all think!

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You hated airports.  They were always too stuffy, and the lights were always too bright.  But, there you were.  Sitting alone watching airplane after airplane taxi out.  It felt like it was just yesterday when you received the wedding invite in your mailbox.  “Please join us as we celebrate the union of Steve and Margaret,” the piece of white cardstock had read.  You were happy for your brother, you really were, but you had half a mind to not go.  You could come up with some lame excuse about how you couldn’t get a dog sitter or how work couldn’t go a second without their best coffee runner.  But, when another flowery piece of paper fell out of the envelope requesting you to be the maid of honor, you caved.  You hadn’t been back to Brooklyn in five years.  After high school, you slipped out like a thief in the night without even a goodbye to your closest friends.  So, when you agreed to go there for a whole week, of course, everyone was excited.  That was everyone but you.  You left for a reason and hadn’t planned on going back.  Ever.  Unfortunately for you, plans change.

You let your head fall back and exhaled a long sigh when the crackle of the PA system echoed throughout the busy terminal.  

“Now boarding flight 537 for Los Angeles to LaGuardia at gate 2B.”

You stood and begrudgingly boarded the flight leaving Los Angeles behind you.  

When you landed in LaGuardia, you took your time gathering your bag and exiting the plane.  Maybe if you took long enough, the plane would just take you back to Los Angeles.  That plan fell through when the kind flight attendant politely forced you off the plane.  The warmth of California was replaced by the bite of New York’s cold winter.  Naturally, your brother would choose the dead of winter to get married.  You pulled your jacket a little tighter around your body and made your way down the empty boarding bridge.  When you emerged, you were welcomed with the smell of fresh pizza and the sound of cars honking outside.  You let the familiarity of it all fall over you like a blanket before continuing toward the doors.  A small smile crept onto your lips when you saw your brother in the crowd.  He was hard to miss.  Standing at 6′1, he towered over the rest of the bustling people.  You spotted his blonde hair almost immediately.  When you finally came into view, a goofy grin spread across his face.  You were happy to see that after five years, he hadn’t changed a bit.  

“For a second, I thought I was gonna have to go and drag you off the plane,” he said, pulling you into a strong hug. 

You chuckled and rolled your eyes,

“Ha ha.  It’s good to see you too, Stevie.”

He held you at arm’s length and shook his head in disbelief.

“Man,” he said softly, “after all these years.” 

“What?”

That goofy grin was back.

“You still have that huge forehead.”

“Really?” You said, slapping his arms off you.

“Oh, you know I’m just messing with you, Y/N,” Steve said with a loud laugh.  “Now,” he said, pulling you into his side, “come on.  I don’t think dad can keep mom pacified for much longer.”

And with that, Steve was scooping your bag up and guiding you out the airport doors.

Steve drove, allowing you to take in the streets you used to call home.  The snow-covered sidewalks passed by in a pearly blur, and the bare trees stood in contrast to the buildings peppered in white around them.  You sighed with content.  Nothing had changed.  The winters in Brooklyn were still as beautiful as ever.  

It wasn’t long before Steve was pulling into the driveway of your childhood home.  You could see your mom bouncing in the front window before disappearing and throwing the front door open.  You couldn’t help the warm feeling you got in your chest at the sight of your mom so happy.  Even though you chose to leave, it still hurt to say goodbye to the woman who raised you.

“Oh, my goodness, Joe, look at our baby girl!” Your mom squeaked as she barreled down the porch.  You let out a small groan causing Steve to chuckle.  

“I told you she was excited.”

You shot him a knowing look before getting out of the car.

You gave your mom a weak smile before she pulled you into a bone-crushing hug.

“Okay, ma, too much.”

She jumped back just as suddenly as she had grabbed you and brushed her hands on her skirt.  

“Sorry, honey.  We’re just so happy that you finally decided to come home.”

“She’s not coming home, mom,” Steve said, pulling your bag from the trunk, “she’s visiting.  Remember?  She’s too cool for us now.”

You shot him an annoyed look which he returned with a smile and a ruffle of your hair as he passed by you to the front door.

“It’s not that,” you grumbled under your breath before following him inside.

As you had expected, everything was where you left it five years ago.  The photos of you and Steve growing through the years hung perfectly on the wall.  The cabinet that held your grandmother’s old china set sat comfortably in the corner of the living room.  Even the smell was the same.  A mixture of sweet vanilla and firewood.  This was the house that you once called home.  

Your mom was talking as she ushered you up the stairs, but you couldn’t hear a thing.  You were too focused on your surroundings.  The hallway upstairs was still painted the same off-white you remembered from so many years ago.  The pencil marks documenting you and Steve’s heights were still there on the wall across from the bathroom.  You let your fingers trace over the faded lines for a minute.  It was all the same.  Finally, your mom came to a stop in the doorway that led to your old bedroom.  You walked in, memories of your past swarming your head.  The desk holding your old computer and snow globes stood on one wall, and your bookshelf with all your favorite novels was still in the far corner.  The bright blue comforter set from your teenage years still adorned the full-size bed.

“I left it exactly how you had it,” your mom said, wringing her hands together, “just in case.”

A knot formed in your stomach.  The happiness and hope in your mom’s eyes were so evident it almost killed you.  You smiled at her and gently pulled her into a tight hug.

“Thanks, ma.”

She held you there for a moment before letting go, giving a little nod, then leaving you to get settled in.  You fell back onto your bed, allowing the warmth of your duvet to embrace you.  After almost an eight-hour flight, you welcomed the comfort of the soft mattress.  Just as you felt the sweet surrender of sleep coming, someone kicked the toe of your boot.  You peeled your eyes open to see Steve standing over you.

“What?” You groaned.

“We have to go.  We’re already late.”

“Late for wh-,” you propped yourself up on your elbows, “what are you talking about?”

“We’re going to Goldie’s tonight.”

You dropped your head back onto the bed.

“Steve-”

Before you could say anything else, your brother was dragging you off the bed.

“Come on, it’ll be fun.”

When all you did was scowl at him, he gave an annoyed huff.

“Nat will be there.”

You pouted up at your older brother, but he was not taking “no” for an answer.  You finally let out an annoyed sigh.

“Fine.”

His big smile filled his face again as he threw his arm around your shoulders, giving you a squeeze.

“There’s the sister I remember!”

You laughed as he led you back down the stairs and into the cold winter weather.

Goldie’s was packed, as usual, the crowd pouring out onto the sidewalk out front.  Some old Led Zeppelin song was playing from the speakers hanging on the walls of the small building.  You followed closely behind Steve to the booth that your group of friends had occupied since you were kids sneaking in with fake IDs.  Tony and Pepper were snuggled up next to each other, Natasha and Peggy were involved in an intense conversation, and Bruce was quietly playing on his phone.  It was exactly as you remembered.  Your heart warmed at the comfortableness of it all.  As you approached, Natasha saw you and smirked.  

“Well, would you look at who finally decided to grace us with her presence?”

Although you were hell-bent on not having a good time, you couldn’t help the smile that crept onto your lips.

“I was starting to think you forgot about us.” She said, moving over to give you a space to sit.  You slid in next to her and leaned your head on her shoulder,

“I could never forget about you, Nat.”

Being only a year younger than Steve meant that you grew up hanging out with all his.  Natasha being the only female until Pepper joined the group, ended up being like an older sister to you.  When you needed help with your prom makeup and hair, you called Nat.  When you had a crush on a boy you shouldn’t have had a crush on, you called Nat.  And when you had your heart broken by said boy, you called Nat.  She was the only one who knew exactly why you shipped off to California after high school instead of following everyone else to NYU.

Keeping your head on Nat’s shoulder, you closed your eyes, happy with your decision to go out.  You were at peace.  Then, everything came to an abrupt halt.  You heard him before you even saw him, but your body still reacted.  The skin on the back of your neck prickled, and your palms began to sweat.  Much to your chagrin, your heart felt like it was going to explode out of your chest.  No one had told you that he was going to be here tonight.  Every muscle in your body was tense as you opened your eyes just in time to see him approaching the table.  

“There they are!  The couple of the hour!” Bucky said, going up to slap Steve on the shoulders.  You couldn’t believe that he was here.  And, you hated to admit it, but he looked good.  After five years, you tried to tell yourself that maybe he had gotten unexpected male patterned baldness.  Perhaps even his teeth rotted out of his mouth.  Or he got mauled by a bobcat.  But no.  Of course, James Buchanan Barnes was even more handsome than you had left him.  Anger bubbled in your gut, and Natasha felt your demeanor change.

“You didn’t know that he was coming tonight?” She asked in a whisper.

“Steve neglected to mention that he would be joining us when he dragged me out of my bed,” you said through gritted teeth.

“He is Steve’s best friend, Y/N.”

You gave an irritated huff in response then dropped your gaze.  Your eyes stayed trained on the table, and you busied your fingers with a piece of straw paper.  A part of you kind of hoped that he wouldn’t recognize you and that maybe no one would even mention that you were there.  You could get through the rest of the evening in your little bubble with Nat and then forget you saw him.  But nothing ever goes as planned.

“Oh, Bucky,” Peggy all but shouted, “you’ll never believe who decided to come to the wedding.”

Through your curtain of hair, you could see Bucky take his usual spot next to Steve and wait on Peggy to answer.  You prayed that she would say some distant relative that she hadn’t seen in years.  It surely wasn’t that big of a deal that you were there.  Then, she said your name.  Bucky’s smile faltered just slightly before he turned to face you.  There was no hiding anymore.  You pushed your hair back, finally making eye contact with the one person you didn’t want to see.

“Y/N,” he said quietly, “hey.”

You gave him a tight-lipped smile and then dropped your gaze, but you could still feel his.

“Yeah,” Peggy said with excitement, “and, to make things even better, she’s my maid of honor!  Isn’t that great?”

Bucky, not even remotely engaged in the conversation anymore, responded with a weak “Yeah, that’s fantastic.”  Peggy was talking, but Bucky cut her off, speaking directly to you.

“When did you get in?”

You slowly raised your gaze to meet his eyes again.  Even after so many years, his eyes could still make it feel like it was only the two of you in the room.  They still felt like home, and you hated that you felt that way.

“About an hour ago.”

“How long are you staying?”

“Not long.”

You didn’t try to hide the hostility in your short answers or cold stare.  As badly as you wanted to be mad at your brother for not telling you about Bucky, you couldn’t.  He didn’t know what happened all those years ago.  Natasha’s firm grip on your thigh pulled you from your thoughts.  You focused on Peggy, who was staring at you in anticipation.

“What?”

“You and Bucky?  You’ll be spending a lot of time together over the next couple. of days.”

Your eyes widened,

“Excuse me!?”

Everyone at the table looked at you in confusion.  But, before anyone could say anything, Natasha spoke up.

“Of course, they will be.  Right, Y/N?  Because you’re the maid of honor,” her eyes widened, “and Bucky is the best man.  So, you’ll make sure Peggy won’t have to worry about anything before her big day.”

Your mouth fell slightly ajar as the anger from before resurfaced with even more fervor.  But before you could object, Natasha’s grip got tighter, and she gave you a stern look.  You gave as believable of a smile as you could and nodded,

“That’s right, Peggy.  Don’t worry.  I’ll make sure everything is perfect.  Now,” you stood from the booth, almost knocking over a couple of glasses in your haste, “I’m just gonna head out.  You know, I just got off an eight-hour flight and all.”

You gave a nervous chuckle as you fumbled to grab your purse before trudging through the crowd and out the door.  The cold wind slapped you in the face, grounding you.  You couldn’t spend an extended amount of time with Bucky.  It just wasn’t going to happen.  You spent five years piecing yourself back together, and in the matter of a few minutes, he was able to open the wounds again.  You hadn’t let yourself forgive him and certainly weren’t going to be letting go of any grudges any time soon.  There was no way you would be able to handle several days with him.  A shiver rolled down your spine, and you hugged your torso, trying to preserve the little bit of defense you had left.

“This weather is a little different than what you’re used to, huh?”

Of course, he would follow you out here.  You turned to face him, and damn if he didn’t look even better in the muted light of the moon.  It’s almost as if the universe wanted to make you miserable.

“Um, it’s definitely...colder.”

You wanted to kick yourself for letting him have this effect on you.  He let out a breathy laugh and slid his hands into his pockets, letting silence fall between the two of you.  He looked at your arms wrapped around your body and could tell you had your guard up.  

“So,” he said, breaking the uncomfortable quiet.

His eyes were so soft you could feel yourself starting to melt.  He couldn’t believe you were finally standing in front of him again.  A small sigh fell from his lips as he shook his head.

“You’re back.  I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

You didn’t say anything in return.  When you didn’t speak, he took a small step toward you and you went rigid.  Your spine straightened under his gaze, and just like that, he could tell that you shut him out.  

“Look, Bucky,” you began, “I’m here for Steve and Peggy.  That’s it.  Let’s just get through these next couple of days, okay?”

He gulped down the sting of your words and nodded.  He took a step back and ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit of his.

“Right, yeah.  Well, I guess I’ll just pick you up tomorrow then?”

Bucky was never an anxious person.  He was always the light in a dull room, confidence all but oozing from him.  Seeing him be so nervous around you made your heart clench in your chest.  You pushed down the feeling.

“Okay.  It’s a date.”

The phrase had already left your lips before you realized what you had actually said.  Bucky raised his eyebrows, and a playful smirk crept onto his lips.  Shit.

“I, uh, that’s not what I...” you stammered out before forcing yourself to stop in order to gather your thoughts.

“It’s a figure of speech.  I just meant I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Bucky chuckled,

“I know what you meant, doll.”

You couldn’t help the butterflies that erupted in your stomach at the nickname.  Never removing his eyes from you, he stepped to the curb and hailed a cab for you.  His gaze took in the entire length of your body.  You were definitely not the same quiet teenage girl he remembered.  You wore clothes that hugged your figure and grew your hair out.  You had blossomed into a woman, and he noticed.  When the cab pulled up, he opened the door for you, and you swiftly got inside.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you mumbled.

Bucky’s eyes gleamed as he leaned in, capturing your gaze again.  That playful smirk was back.

“It’s a date,” he said before shutting the door and smacking the top of the cab.  It took everything in your power to not turn around and watch his retreating figure as the cab drove off.  You threw your head back and let out a loud groan.  This was not happening.  Not after it took you so long to mend yourself back together.  You were no longer a shy innocent 18-year-old girl crushing on her big brother’s best friend.  You were a grown ass woman, dammit.  You had your own apartment and car and a halfway decent paying job.  You were not going to let this happen again.  But his radiant smile flashed through your mind, and the melodic sound of his laugh danced around in your head.  The way he said your name and that goddamn nickname pierced right through the walls you had put up.  You sighed.

“Fuck.”

This was going to be a long week.     

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes fandom #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic

[hnychn]

𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐄

pairing: poly! bakusquad x gn! reader

summary: why settle for one lover when you could have five? 

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 🐝: ugh i love the idea of all five of these assholes in one relationship !! it just makes my heart 😫. lmk what you thought of it, i appreciate any constructive criticism that'll help me improve 🤍 i'm also working on a shoto work next so!! PS. this ended up being a lot longer than i thought, so i'll be making it into diferent parts!

𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 || 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐰𝐨 || 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞

ur their baby

sorry

don't make the rules 🤷🏻‍♀️

so first and foremost, how you became a part of their relationship.

surprisingly, it was bakugo who brought up the idea to the others 😳

you're not in 1a, but you are in the support class. you make them gadgets 😌

and bakugo met you when the last student who was supposed to be responsible for his costume design and other shit refused to work with bakugo anymore

that was the sixth guy to quit

so you offered to pick up his work 😌

otherwise the storyline wouldn't continue

so bakugo goes to you after school and is like, "listen here you fucking extra-"

and that's as far as he got before you interrupted him and was like:

"no yOU listen you hot-headed cyndaquil! the only reason you should be talking to me is if you want to submit a request for your costume. other than that, don't look at me. don't speak to me. don't even breathe near me. GOT IT?!"

and he was just. . .😳 damn

highkey thought your yelling was hot

so the weeks pass and surprisingly he listens to you and doesn't speak to you outside of making requests for his costume or giving feedback

and your relationship with him is relatively stable

you're not friends but you can live together without ripping each other apart

there's a term for it but i forget what it is

he starts coming by more often because there's a kink in one of your gadgets

so you ask him to stay after school to test it out and figure out what the problem is

you end up talking

and you realise he's not as much of an asshole as you thought he was

and your relationship turns into more of a "friendship" but not if that makes sense?

like, "ok so i don't hate you, but i still hate you."

does that make sense? i how it does

anyways,

the two of you start saying hi in the halls or nodding at each other

bakugo's babies see this and are like ??

yOU MADE A FREND??

yes. yes he did 😌

so kirishima and mina try and convince him to introduce them to you

"why would i introduce you to that dumbass? they're nothing special."

he doesn't mean it, he's just flustered.

so kirishima, mina, kaminari, and sero start looking out for you in the halls

and they start picking up on your routine

without knowing they basically know your schedule

it's bakugo who points it out when kirishima said it was time to go

🦈 "oh! it's time to go guys!"

💥 "why? lunch isn't even over yet"

⚡️ "y/n usually goes to that vending machine by their art class during this time"

💥 ". . . how do you fuckers know that?"

and they're all silent like. . . how do they know that?

that's when it hits then that without them knowing, you slipped your way into their heart

because here they were,

right next to the vending machine where you always go 20 minutes before lunch ended to get a small snack

and when you get there and see bakugo surrounded by a bunch of people looking at you with starry eyed

". . . hi?"

mina lunges at you and asks how the hell you tamed bakugo

"easy, i beat his ass."

"NO YOU DIDN'T YOU FUCKER!"

and you just snort at his reaction and put some coins into the vending machine

"why do you think your gauntlet backfired yesterday, dumbass?"

and he blanks like. . .wait. . . wAIT A MINUTE

"THAT WAS YOU?!"

you nod, "wish i was there to see it though."

and you pout

fUCKING.

POUT.

and they all just feel their heart go doki doki

so the bell rings for class to start and you say goodbye to them and kaminari promises to show you the video he took of bakugo's gauntlet backfiring tmr at lunch

and while they're walking to class, none of them are talking

which is very unusual

but they all know their thoughts are only of you

it's kind of like an unspoken agreement that they're all falling for you

they have a hard time paying attention in class that day.

OK NEXT DAY!!

so you rush over to the bakusquad and practically throw yourself at kaminari

because you wanna see that video

you don't notice he's a blushing mess and the others are staring a bit bitterly because

:I i want that

so he shows you the video and you start laughing so hard

and it's so contagious and soon they're all laughing

except bakugo because he refuses to laugh at himself

but they suddenly hear someone calling your name

and you all look over and see some guy who's also from general studies

they see you roll your eyes and mutter, "fucking hell" under your breath

so it's safe to assume you don't like this guy.

"hey l/n."

"hey tanaka. . ."

the boy shoves his hands in his pockets, "so about that date saturday-"

you might have slapped the bakusquad in the face with a fish because holy-

they never considered you were seeing anyone and now they're kinda heartbroken because oop-

caught feelings too quick 🙊

but you grind your teeth, "it's not a date tanaka. the teacher paired us up for a project because he knows you're so incapable of doing anything on your own you have to be watched like a child."

anD WHOO BOY THEY WERE NOT EXPECTING THAT

kaminari snorts a bit before slapping a hand over his mouth

mina grabs kirishima's arm and burries her face into his jacket to stifle her laughs

kirishima and sero and just staring at each other with wide eyes and slowly growing smiles like "bro did they just say that?" "dude i think they did!"

and bakugo. . .

he's staring at you with the proudest look in his eyes and a smirk because yeah, that's his baby

wait what.

now the boy is a bit embarrassed that you said that in front of some of the school's top heroes

so he sputters a bit before walking away with a red face

💥 "damn i didn't know you had that in you, spit fire."

you stare at him a bit with a small blush at the nickname

and you sputter out a thanks before making an excuse to leave (something about banana milk)

and they all stare at each other

⚡️ ". . .did they . ."

🦈 "was that a-"

🍊 "holy fuck that was-"

💥 "-adorable."

mina is took shocked to say anything

during this time, you bang to realise your feelings for the group as well

but you thought you were being selfish for wanting all five of them

so you kind of avoid them for the next few days in hopes of your feelings going away

you change up your schedule

and when you see them or one of then in the halls you turn around and go another direction

they were a bit confused as to what they did

but kirisima assured them that you were probably just working out your feelings and they should respect that

so they did

and they pretended it didn't hurt when you suddenly dart the other way when you see one of them

they gave you your space

and they thought you would come to them when you had everything worked out

until bakugo cane storming into the dorms one day

he was obviously pissed, but his eyes were also a bit glossy

so they all dragged him to kirishima's room since it was closest and asked him was was wrong

💥 "that dumbass quit from making my items."

and they were all kind of shocked

like wtf ??

uhm, for why?

you had assured bakugo that you wouldn't be another one of those losers who resigned because of his eccentric personality

and yet here we are

they spend the rest of the night in kirishima' room comforting bakugo

because he really took it the hardest

like sure the others liked you too,

but bakugo spent the most time with you

and developed a deeper relationship with you than the others

so the next day,

kirishima wants to talk to you

so he goes to the support room and bumps into hatsume as she was walking out

he asks her if you're in

"oh, yeah they are, I'll go get them for you."

this is a lot longer than i thought it would be uhhh oops

so you come out, not knowing it was kirishima asking for you because hatsume was vague

only telling you, "someone wants to talk to you"

like ok specifics??

anyways

you're like. . . oop heyyy. . .

because you knew what he was there for

the two of you don’t say anything for a bit

you’re just staring at your shoes and he’s looking at you with a small frown on his face 

lowkey he’s kinda disappointed in you

so he finally speaks first

“you quit.” 

it’s not a question, or something you were expecting 

but you nod 

there’s another silence 

“why?” 

you fiddle with your fingers for a bit. 

now this was a question you were expecting, though, you didn’t want to answer 

kirishima is a patient boy though, and waits for you to gather the courage to tell him 

he’s not leaving without an answer

“i just-” you begin, “i. . .” 

kirishima is still waiting patiently for your answer 

“i don’t want to be selfish.” 

now he surprised. wdym selfish. please explain.

“it’s just- you all already have such an established relationship and i don’t want to interrupt that. you guys have a schedule. adding myself into the mix would only mess all of that up, and no matter how strong my feelings are for all of you, i could never mess up your relationship like that. it would be so selfish of me to put my feelings before all of yours, so i thought the only way to get rid of these feeling as to distance myself from all of you...” 

“starting with bakugo...” kirishima whispered after your rambling came to an end. 

you nodded 

kiri was at a stand still for a bit 

and it was silent once again in the hall

kiri knew his lovers had feelings for you too, and would have no problem adding you into the relationship, 

but he also knew he couldn’t fore you into anything 

he was about to reassure you that you wouldn’t be interrupting anything and that they would love to have you in the relationship 

but then you were tackled 

to the ground 

by kaminari 

and smacked your head against the floor

really hard

like, you passed out 

ahaha. . .

when you wake up, your head feels like it’s going to split open

and the loud voices aren’t helping 

so you let out a groan, “shut the fuck up...” 

and everything goes silent. 

until someone SCREAMS AGAIN

“YOU’RE AWAKE!” 

it’s kaminari 

bless his soul

poor baby is a bit slow 

so you groan out again and clutch your head

bakugo slaps the back of kaminari’s head

“shut the fuck up, dunce face!” 

he whisper shouts

mina hands you some pain killers recovery girl said you give you when you woke up, and sero hands you a glass of water 

they’re all watching you as you take the pills 

it’s silent for a bit 

and it’s making you anxious, so you fiddle with the empty glass for a bit before bakugo snatches it from you, 

“dumbass...” he muttered as he refilled it and handed it back to you

sero rubs the back of his head, “so...” 

mina pulls at the hem of her sweater, “we heard everything you said to kirishima.” 

kaminari sits next to you on the bed and whispers, “sorry for tackling you. i just got a bit emotional...” 

I'm so sorry this is getting so long 😭😭 i'm trying to wrap this up so if it gets a bit jumbled, my bad

so they all reassyre you you're more than welcome into their relationship and wouldn't be interfering with anything

so you agree

and they're all so happy 🥳🥳

and while everyone is celebrating

(quietly because your head still feels like shit)

bakugo comes up to you

"you better start making my items again, dumbass. those other dipshits in your class don't know what they're doing."

bakugo only said that because they weren't you but he'd never outright say that to you

OK ITS OVER OH MY

IT GOT SO LONG IM SO SORRY LMAO

#imagines #mha #bakugo imagine #mha imagines #bakugo katsuki #bakugo katuski x reader #angst #mha headcanons #headcanons #mina x reader #kirishima x reader #kaminari x reader #sero x reader #mha poly #poly bakusquad #bakugo x reader

[rommahh]

Enough For You

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Word Count: 4.8k

{This is my first peter fic and theres more to come. I may make a part two of this- it depends though. This work is a complete work of fiction and doesnt follow the mcus storyline of peter parker at all. Just the characters. Anyways enjoy. Much love, R.}

Peter, as smart as he can be, was a complete and utter idiot. He could read an entire textbook on quantum physics, take a test on said textbook, and ace it like it was nothing. That's how intelligent he was. But when it came to the obvious things that didn't take place in the academic world- he was an oblivious idiot.

Y/N has had a crush on Peter since they were in elementary school. Everyone in Peter and Y/N’s inner circle saw how deep in love Y/N was with Peter- except for Peter. Y/N has spent years trying to tell him how she feels but he always just interprets it as Y/N telling him how much she loves their friendship- like the idiot he is.

As senior prom slowly approached Y/N waited for the moment where Peter would ask her to the dance. They both were not dance people but senior prom was so different. Y/N just wanted to spend the night with her closest friends before they all went their separate ways for college. Normally Y/N and Peter went to every dance together, but as prom got closer, Y/N started to worry that he wouldn't even ask her. And unfortunately, she was right to think that.

Ned, Peter, MJ, and Y/N all sat at a round table on their school's campus during their lunch period talking and eating. The conversation of prom came up making Y/N’s ears perk up hoping to hear the words she's been waiting for from Peter.

“So Peter, what are your prom plans?” MJ asked, chewing on some of Y/N’s carrots from her lunch. Y/N looked at Peter waiting for his answer. He blushed, rubbing the back of his neck to ease his nerves.

“I'm actually going to prom with Liz. I asked her yesterday after school and she said yes.” He smiled happily of the thought of him and Liz dancing at prom. Y/N on the other hand felt her heart clench uncomfortably. MJ looked just as shocked as Y/N hearing Peter's words. Ned looked up from his comic book as an uncomfortable silence filled the table.

Quickly, Y/N packed her lunch back into her lunch bag and slung her bookbag haphazardly over her shoulder. Her face was scrunched up as she tried to contain her tears. “Sorry guys, I completely forgot that I have to help Mrs. Anderson with some...thing.”

Rushing away, the group was left to watch Y/N’s figure scurry away from the table. Tom looked at her in confusion before looking at his other best friends trying to figure out what had just happened.

“What just happened? Is she Ok?” He asked getting his stuff ready so he could go and follow the girl. MJ put a hand on his arm to stop him from packing up.

“I think you should just let her be alone for a minute… So you and Liz huh?”

“I- yeah I've had a crush on her for years now. I thought I told you guys this.” Peter’s hands fiddled with the book in front of him. Ned shared a look with MJ making Peter look at them confused again. “Guys, what aren't you telling me? What's going on?”

“Sorry dude, it's not our place to say. You should probably talk to her after school.” Ned replied, patting Peter on the back trying to comfort him. The bell interrupted any further conversation from happening. The trio went their separate ways to class after saying an awkward goodbye.

Peter spent the whole day with his mind clouded with thoughts. He racked his brain for any possible reason as to why Y/N were so upset.

After school, Peter showed up to a Y/N’s house hoping to talk to the girl and figure out why his best friend was so upset. Y/N’s mom gave Peter a small smile when he approached the house, nodding her head to where the backyard was located to say where Y/N was at.

Y/N sat on a quilt made by her grandmother on the soft gras of her backyard. A large tree covered her from the sun that was slowly beginning its descent into the night. She looked up from the book she was reading hearing the sound of footsteps coming towards her. Peter stood there, backpack on one shoulder, hands in both sweater pockets just waiting.

“Hey.” Peter said, setting his backpack down before sitting across from the girl on the soft quilt.

“Hi Peter.” She quietly replied, keeping her head low so she couldn't meet his eyes.

“Can you tell me what happened today? You seemed upset. Did something happen in class?” He asked, his hand reaching out to tilt her face to look at him. She looked at his face, seeing his furrowed eyebrows and watching as his eyes searched her face for any clue as to what was wrong.

“You're taking Liz to prom.” She finally spoke after a moment of silence.

“I'm taking Liz to prom.” He confirmed still sitting there in confusion.

“I wanted you to ask me to prom.”

“Oh.” Y/N stopped looking at Peter, her hands playing with the frayed edges of her ripped jeans.

“Oh? You always ask me to school dances and I just thought…”

“Thought what? Y/N I dont get what you're saying. We did go to past dances together but this is prom you know. I really like Liz so I asked her.” He said still not putting two and two together to understand the issue.

“To be the smartest boy in our school, you are the biggest idiot ever.” Peter scoffed, offended by her comment. “Peter, I love you.”

“What?” Peter was shocked by her statement.

“I've liked you since the 4th grade and I guess I assumed you had started to like me too. I thought you were going to ask me to prom because you- you liked me too?” She looked at him again, face flushed and shoulders tense with anxiety.

“Y/N...I'm sorry but I- I dont like you like that. I didn't know that you did like me like that.” He watched as her shoulder dropped in defeat. Tears pooled in her eyes spilling onto her cheeks. She quickly wiped her face off with her hands. “Please don't cry, i'm so sorry. I still want to be friends though.”

She chuckled at his words. “I don't think we can be friends, Peter. I think it would be best for myself if we weren't friends.”

Her words cut like knives through his heart. He stood up abruptly as anger flooded through his body.

“So we can't be friends now? We've been friends since kindergarten. You are my best friend Y/N and you're going to throw it away over this?” His voice rose as he spoke. Y/N stood as well, anger taking over her as she listened to Peter raise his voice at her.

“Do you know what it feels like to watch someone you love not love you back?” She yelled at him, Peter’s eyes widened in shock having never heard his best friend speak like this before. “Do you know what it's like to watch the person you love have crushes on everybody but you? Do you know what it's like to not be enough? What is it about Liz that I don't have? You don't even know her!”

“You're mad at me for not liking you back? I can't control my feelings Y/N and I'm sorry for that but I don't want to lose our friendship. Please don't do this.” He held her face in his hands brushing the stray tears from her face. She shook her head free, backing away from him. Her hands clutched her arms, folding on top of her chest.

“I'm sorry Peter that I couldn't be good enough for you.” She gave him a small heartbroken smile before grabbing the book she was reading and went inside of her house. Peter watched as his best friend walked away from him for the second time that day. His chest felt tight, hands shaking as he thought about the ending of friendship he held dear to his heart.

Peter dreaded going to school. He spent the whole night being forced awake by panic attacks and non-stop crying. He had never felt a heartbreak like this. He's heard people say that friendship breakups are harder than relationship breakups and Peter can attest to that. Granted he's never been in a relationship, but he's going through a heartbreak he's never felt before.

He got ready for school slowly, relishing in the comfort of his room before exiting out into the living room of the apartment. He gathered his backpack that had been thrown carelessly in the living room out of anger as Aunt May watched him from the hallway before her bedroom. She decided against asking him what was wrong because she didn't want him to become even more upset on his way to school. Her heart aches as she watches her boy frown and wander around with sadness looming on his face.

At school, Ned and Mj waited for Peter at his locker like the group normally does. This time, Y/N was nowhere to be seen. Peter walked up to his locker, unlocking it and grabbing his things from inside of it for class.

“Did you guys know she liked me?” Peter asked after standing in silence with the group for a few moments. They looked at Peter in pity before nodding yes. Peter shook his head, upset with himself for never noticing the obvious feelings coming from his best friend.

The group walked to their first period class, Ned and Mj making small talk whereas Peter walking listening in on the conversation. Sitting in their normal seats, they waited for the first bell to ring that determined when the first period would begin.

The door of the classroom opened showing Y/N with arms filled with her textbooks and backpack slipping off of her arms. MJ thought Peter looked bad but Y/N probably looked worse. Her eyes were puffy carrying bags of sleeplessness and her overall appearance looked tired. The Y/N the group knew would come to school always dressed for success wearing the cutest outfits and makeup done to perfection. She wasn't over the top with it but she always looked so well put together. Today, she was wearing leggings and a ratty hoodie. Her hair didn't look like it normally did, her face was bare of makeup.

She moved slowly looking for an open table in the classroom. She saw one in the back of the room near the window and walked over to claim it as her own. Her friend group watched in shock as she walked past them and towards the empty table. Peter’s chest hurt so bad watching her walk past them. Mj and Ned were upset too but they had spoken to her before school and understood her want for space.

“She doesn't have to sit all the way over there.” Peter whispered still staring at Y/N as she settled into her seat in the back of the room.

“It's ok, she just wants space and that's ok.” Mj reassured him, rubbing his shoulder as he laid his head down on the table. He didn't know how he would cope without his best friend or lack thereof.

Lunchtime came sound and normally the friend group would sit outside together if the weather was nice. They've always done this since freshman year. They would sit at the wood tables and share their lunch with each other. Y/N would normally share her fruits and vegetables knowing that her friends packed unhealthy junk food.

Today was different though. Mj, Peter, and Ned sat at the table without her. Her spot at the table is empty leaving an uncomfortable gap at the round table. Y/N found herself seated inside of the library by the window that looked out on the wooden tables she would normally sit at.

Y/N sat in the quiet library crying her eyes out as she watched her friends comfort Peter. She was hurting so bad knowing that she ruined her friendship. She wishes that she never said anything. That she just let Peter be happy with his newfound relationship with Liz. She wanted to be happy for him but she had some resentment towards him. She understood he couldn't control his feelings but she hurt knowing that he never in the years they've known each other he's never looked at her more than a friend.

She wiped her tears from her face, pulling her neatly packed lunch box out of her backpack. She stared down at her lunch, sad that she had no one to share with anymore.

“Hey, do you mind if I sit here?” A voice said from above Y/N. Looking up she saw Bryant, another senior in her class, standing with his lunch.

“Oh- yeah, sure, of course.” Y/N stuttered making room at the table for his things. The table was large enough for the two of them so there was no real reason for her to say that he couldn't sit with her. Bryant was the captain of the baseball team at their highschool. He wasn't like the cliche popular kids at school who stayed within their cliques but he was very sweet and attentive to anyone he crossed paths with.

“Thank you! I saw you sitting by yourself and it kinda looked like you needed a friend.” He commented setting his salad from the cafeteria down along with his backpack that seemed too empty for a highschool seniors backpack. “So, how's today going for you?”

Y/N was taken aback by the boy's boldness. This was her first time ever talking to him and he wants to know about her day? She was baffled.

“I-It's been slow I guess. I'm ready to go home honestly.” He nodded, chewing on his salad.

“I feel that. I wish I could go home after school. I've got prom preparation after school, so annoying.” He rolled his eyes at the thought. “I don't know if you know but my name is Bryant, it's real nice to meet you.”

Sticking his hand out to shake, Y/N grasped it hesitantly.

“I'm Y/N, I think we had english together last year.”

“Yeah we did didn't we. I hated that class, you were awesome in it though.” She blushed at the compliment. “But yeah, I know who you are. You're apart of Peter’s little group.”

“Oh yeah, I was.” She shrugged emotions overwhelming her again.

“Was? You obviously don't have to tell me, but I hope you're ok.” Bryant smiled at Y/N and Y/N was blown away by his kindness.

“Peter and I aren't friends anymore. He's going to prom with Liz and I just thought that maybe he would have asked me.” Bryant felt bad for Y/N. He could see how hurt she was despite her wearing a smile on her face. Y/N wasn't a stranger in this school. She played a large role in academics and actively participated in multiple clubs. The Y/N Bryant saw before wasn't present today and it was sad.

“I know we've just met but I don't have a date to prom either...if you would like to go with me. I wanted to go with Jordan but it turns out he is not actually into very beautiful and athletic boys.” Y/N laughed along with Bryant.

“I would love to go to prom with you as long as we can coordinate outfits.” Bryant laughed some more agreeing with her. Y/N looked down at the lunch before sliding over a few snacks toward Bryant. Y/N still felt the sadness of letting go of her best friend lingering with her but it felt nice to meet someone new. Not someone to replace her Peter but someone to remind her that life goes on and that she'd be ok in the long run.

Weeks have passed since Peter and Y/N’s fallout and it was a weird few weeks. School was coming to an end, cap and gowns were slowly being handed out for graduation and prom posters were posted everywhere.

Y/N was still avoiding Peter at all costs but she apologized to Ned and Mj for ignoring their feelings. She didn't want them to feel like they had to be in the middle of this mess. She didn't want them to feel like she also ditched them too. They understood her, they knew how hard it was for her to remove herself from their friend group for the sake of her mental health.

Y/N and Bryant continued to grow closer. He was a good distraction from her current problems. She also learned that he was bisexual and that Jordan was also on the baseball team who was too scared to come out and go to prom with Bryant. Bryant was someone Y/N didn't expect to befriend her. His kindness made her feel so much better after what had happened.

Peter struggled badly. He had been so happy to finally get the girl he had been pining after for years but seeing Y/N cry because of him hurt so much. It made him rethink his whole friendship with her. Did he really only think of her as a friend?

Peter watched everyday as Y/N grew closer to Bryant, a warm feeling entered his belly every time he saw the two together. It wasn't a pleasant warm feeling, it was a feeling that made him overthink everything he did. It was a feeling that made his face scrunch up and his head fill with sickness. His thoughts became muddled, words not making sense as he watched the two. He was jealous. Did he recognize it as jealousy, no, because Peter was an idiot.

Prom season was hectic and fun all at the same time. People were hardcore prepping for the dance. Money was being saved for the before dance dinner and the stretch limo that would provide a chariot to the dance.

The mall was beyond crowded, Bryant led the way with Y/N pushing through crowds of people to reach the small dress shop they had been dying to go to all day. The small dress shop was locally owned by a hispanic couple who hand made the dresses in the shop. The dresses they had were beautiful, all arraying from different colors, sizes, and silhouettes. Y/N tried on almost every dress in the store that was in her size.

“This is useless, these dresses are gorgeous but I feel like I look so stupid.” Y/N huffed sitting next to Bryant on the velvet loveseat that sat in front of the dressing room. Y/N was near tears out of pure frustration.

“Stop it, I thought you looked amazing in every single one of those dresses. I think you're just too into your own head. What's up girl?” He put an arm around her shoulders laying his head on top of hers.

“I just want to look good. Good like Liz…” She whispered the last part out of embarrassment. Bryant scoffed.

“You're joking right? You two are incomparable people. She's pretty in her own ways just as you are. Are you comparing yourself to her because of Peter?” Bryant exclaimed loudly, catching the attention of the woman who owns the shop.

“Peter likes Liz.” Was all that Y/N could muster, pouting at her own words.

“Here mija.” The woman who owned the shop came walking over to Y/N with a beautiful pink dress in her hands. “I made this a week ago but havent even put it on the floor yet.”

Y/N shook her head furiously, “No I couldn't.”

“No, please try it on and if you like it, it's yours.” The woman insisted on a bright smile playing on her face.

“Its-Its mine?”

“Yes honey, you obviously need this dress more than I do. You need a dress that will make you feel beautiful and I think this will do.”

Y/N tried on the dress watching it flow down to the floor. It was a pretty pink color with flowers at the top. Buttons adorned the middle of the dress cinching the waist and the bottom of the dress flowed to the floor in bunches.

Stepping out of the dressing room, dressed clad on her body, Bryants mouth dropped in shock at the sight of her.

“Holy….” He was at a loss for words. Y/N blushed, turning to look at herself in the mirror, her own mouth dropping in shock.

“...Shit” She finished.

“You look amazing mija. It's all yours, please, you have to wear that to your dance.” The woman begged Y/N. Y/N nodded, smiling at herself in the mirror. It had been weeks since she felt like her normal self. She had spent so many days pondering about why Peter liked Liz more than her. Why Liz got Peter versus Y/N getting peter. But now it wasn't about Peter.

The woman walked with Y/N up to the front of the store, carefully wrapping the dress in a delicate box.

“No boy should ever determine his worth.” The woman said, handing the box over. “You are beautiful and I'm sure Liz is too but you, you are a gorgeous young woman who will encounter many men or women or people in general who will want to be in your life simply because you are you.”

Y/N thought about the shop owner's words as both Bryant and her maneuvered through the mall's crowds. Y/N grasped the corner of Bryants elbow as he carried their shopping bags. He made small jokes making Y/N laugh. He kissed her on the cheek endearingly as she laughed some more.

Unknown to Y/N, Peter stood a few feet away from the couple as they walked by holding onto each other looking like...a couple. That warm feeling reentered Peter's belly, sickness looming over his head making him feel lightheaded. Peter watched the couple walk away with sadness filling his heart. He missed being Y/N’s best friend. He missed their walks through the mall where he would buy her all the pretzels she wanted while holding her bags of useless junk she spent hundreds on. He missed her.

Prom night came quickly after finals finished on campus. Y/N put on her dress and had her hair and makeup done by her mom. Standing in front of her mirror she made sure she was ready to go. Her mother called her to the front door signalling Bryant was there to pick her up.

Bryant showered Y/N in compliments, getting his matching pink tie tied by Y/N’s dad. They both exchanged corsages and boutineers that were adorned by pretty white flowers. They took pictures in the backyard by Y/N’s tree posing in silly poses and in your typical prom poses.

Peter stood outside of Liz’s house filled with dread. He realized that this was not the place that he wanted to be. He wanted to be at Y/N’s house taking pictures, eating her parents food, and laughing about the stupid things they normally joke about. He wanted to watch as Y/N showed off her dress to him. He wanted to be the one to bring her a bouquet of flowers that she would dry up in her journal for safe keeping. But instead he was here, in front of Liz’s mansion, hurting.

The dance was at full blast when Y/N and Bryant arrived- late because Bryant believed being fashionably late was the best type of late. They walked around the venue hand in hand as Bryant showed off all of the things he contributed to the dance. Bryant left Y/N in the flower photo room having been called away to help fix something for the dance. Y/N admired the walls covered in small and large flowers.

“Woah.” Someone gasped from behind Y/N. Turning around she came face to face to a red faced peter. “You look…ethereal, is that even the right word?”

Peter couldn't stop staring at how beautiful Y/N looked. Her dress made her stand out from the rest. Butterflies erupted in his stomach replacing the warm feeling of jealousy he had been previously feeling.

“Oh, hi Peter.” Y/N was filled with nerves as he slowly walked towards her. “How are you?”

“I don't feel too good honestly. I messed up a really good thing I think and I want to fix it. I never realized how much you meant to my life until I lost you. I know that's cheesy but it's true.” He quietly uttered, staring into her eyes. “I don't want us to stop being friends and I think I do like you.”

“You think?” She questioned looking at him hopefully.

“I- yeah I think.”

He thinks. He doesn't know if he likes her but he thinks he does. Y/N shook her head disappointed.

“Peter, I've spent the last three weeks wondering why I wasn't good enough for you to like me. I only just realized that I was good enough maybe not for you but for other people. Since we were kids I always did things in hopes of catching your attention. I joined the debate team because you did. I joined the academic team because you became the captain. I even tried to apply to be an intern at stark industries so I could work with you without even realizing that stark industries didn't have internships. And that spiderman started appearing a lot more after said internship appeared.” She had a knowing smile on her face.

“Oh so you know.” He looked down at the ground embarrassed to be exposed.

“Peter, I know so much about you. I know you better than Mj and Ned that's the whole reason why we are best friends. I know how you like your sandwiches- breakfast and lunch. I know how you organize your school work. I know that you like to specifically request time in the lab in the morning because all of the equipment is freshly washed and you like to first pick at the goggles and coats. Peter, I know you don't like me. You feel bad and miss me but you don't like me.” She walked to him, placing her hands on his cheeks. He melted into her hands.

“But I think I do Y/N.”

“Ok so say you think you like me, I would prefer to have you when you know you like me not when you have only developed small feelings after not having me for a few weeks. Peter, I'm in love with you. I'm in a lot deeper than a few small feelings. I don't want to make you be in a relationship when we are in two very different places.” She sniffled a little one hand coming to stop the tears from ruining her makeup.

“I want nothing more than to be your best friend again but I can't.” He couldn't stop his tears from falling at those words. “I can't go back to being the girl who did nothing for herself and everything for the boy she loves. I need more for myself. I'm going to college and I don't even know how to just be me without you and I need to learn how.”

He absorbed her words, crying free flowing tears.

“I want you to be happy Y/N.” He nodded, she swiped her thumbs under his eyes. She smiled sweetly at him. Placing a sweet kiss on his lips, Y/N  gave him one last smile before walking away from him.

Y/N walked away with her heart feeling light. She felt like a burden had been lifted off of her shoulders. Her intent wasn't to hurt Peter but she needed to say what had been in her mind for weeks. She knew he would eventually move on from his slight crush on her and so would she. She would move on eventually, it would be a slow and hard process but it would happen. And she would never fully get over him. She's been in love with him since they were kids- it's all she's ever known. But for right now she was focusing on loving herself and growing into the person she was meant to be- without Peter.

#peter parker #peter parker x y/n #peter x you #peter parker oneshot #peter parker imagine #peter parker angst #spider man #spiderman x you #tom holland #tom holland x reader

[writingfortoomanyfandoms]

The Only Woman

Pairing: (Henry Cavill!)Sherlock Holmes x Reader

Requested: Yep - “Hello Ma’amMay I request a Sherlock Holemes x Redaer?That when they were younger she was BSF with Sherlock and Mycroft. And all of the sudden they disappeared and never wrote to her a letter or nothing. And she got closer to Enola and when Edoria disappeared she reunites with Sherlock and Mycroft and Reader is Mad and Sad that he left without saying nothing. She always was in love with him and at the end she finds out he also was in love with her! And lots of fluffThank You so MuchAnonymous (she/her/hers)”

Summary: Basically just the request

Warnings: Probably some swearing, some 20th century misogyny, pining, fluff, angst, denial, all that fun stuff, probably ooc Sherlock but we vibe with it because he’s soft af

A/N: My first full length Sherlock fic! I should mention that my requests aren’t actually open right now, especially not for full fics but I was inspired by this request and so decided to make it into a full one! I hope you guys enjoy, please remember to reblog, comment or send an ask letting me know what you think and if you want to see me write more for Sherlock (and Henry and his other characters for that matter) in the future!

Y/N had been essentially another resident of the Holmes household her whole life, having been introduced to the family through the two boys - Sherlock and Mycroft, whom she had run into while out playing in the woods. Her family lived in the house nearest to the Holmes residence, technically making them neighbours.

Sherlock and Mycroft didn’t exactly do ‘friends’, that much had been clear even to Y/N’s young mind after meeting them. She was a year and a half younger than Sherlock and yet she still knew more about interacting with other people than he did. Not that either of the Holmes boys had ever seemed interested in other people, they had their brains to keep them occupied, and when they failed to find entertainment in learning, they had each other.

Despite this, they took a shine to Y/N when they found her playing make-believe on her own in the woods and insisted that she come over to have dinner with them and their family.

Mr and Mrs Holmes had gone out of their way, following that initial visit, to make Y/N feel as welcome as possible at Ferndell Hall. At first this was simply because they were astounded that their sons had actually made a friend and seemed interested in maintaining this friendship, but then it was partially as a result of the somewhat turbulent relationship that it became clear Y/N had with her family.

Eudoria in particular had ensured that Y/N knew she could always come and visit, that there was a spare bedroom that could be set up should she require it, which Y/N only began to take advantage of as she grew up and the rows with her parents over her future became more frequent.

However, it was always Sherlock that she was closest to. While she considered Mycroft a friend, and he had grudgingly returned the sentiment, they had never clicked in the same way that Y/N had with Sherlock. Occasionally Mycroft would storm off midway through a game, frustrated by Sherlock’s intelligence which so trumped his and Y/N’s, or he would simply decide that he was ‘above’ having friends.

Sherlock never much minded Y/N hanging around though. Truthfully, now that she was grown, Y/N looked back at their years of friendship and couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps his reason for tolerating her company was because she gave him the awed reactions that he secretly desired from his intelligence.

She had fond memories of her childhood with the Holmes. At Ferndell she never felt the need to pretend to be a young lady ready to be married that her parents so desperately wanted her to be, even as a child. Mr Holmes encouraged her to continue her studies beyond what her Governess would teach her, and Eudoria actively tried to teach her all that she could, going so far as to teach her alongside her sons on occasion - Mycroft wasn’t exactly fond of that, though Sherlock appeared to enjoy her company.

And then there was Enola, a surprisingly timid child considering the family that she had been born into - though Eudoria was convinced that her shyness was a trait that she would soon grow out of. Enola adored Y/N.

While Sherlock and Mycroft paid their little sister no mind, too caught up in their own lives to acknowledge their baby sister’s, Y/N was fond of Enola. Having grown up in a male-dominated household with only brothers for company, she had always wanted a younger sister.

It was Mr Holmes’ death that changed everything.

Not long after his death, Y/N was saying goodbye to her two closest friends as they left for Boarding School. Y/N had promised to write to them and had been encouraged to do so by Sherlock, who seemed thrilled by the prospect of their continued communication and Mycroft had also seemed somewhat in favour of the idea.

Y/N wrote to the brothers for a year after they left. Her letters to Sherlock in particular were long and full of detail about both her life, her parents continued attempts to interest her in marriage and her attempts to further her education, as well as the lives of Eudoria and Enola.

After a year of these letters, however, Y/N had yet to receive word from either brother and thus, with a heavy heart, she had halted her letter writing and turned her mind away from the Holmes brothers. 

Eudoria had ensured that Y/N still knew that she was welcome whenever she wanted to come over, however, and so Y/N’s life at Ferndell continued even with the absence of the boys she had considered to be her closest friends.

Y/N had been the first to be informed that Eudoria had disappeared, Enola having ran over to her house the day of her sixteenth birthday in a state of distress, imploring the older woman to help her. They had agreed that it was best for Sherlock and Mycroft to be contacted at once, with Sherlock’s career, Enola had been certain that her brother would make himself indispensable.

Y/N had been less keen on writing to the Holmes brothers, dreading having to see her old friends again, still far more hurt than she could care to admit about their silence following their departure. Every time in the past week that Enola had brought up the topic of her brothers, Y/N had been quick to change the subject.

A decision that she was coming to regret now that she approached Ferndell to find an automobile parked outside of it. Y/N bit back a groan, aware that its presence more than likely meant that Sherlock and Mycroft would be waiting inside.

Y/N didn’t knock before she entered, she never had as she had basically been a part of the family over the past few years.

She could hear the low mumble of voices coming from the drawing room, which were becoming steadily louder and Y/N’s expression dropped into a deep frown as she stepped towards the room, recognising Enola’s voice, breaking with emotion, even through the closed doors.

Before she could place her hand on the knob, however, the door was flung open and Enola rushed out, crashing into Y/N, who almost dropped the bags she was holding.

“Enola?” Y/N breathed, her hands gripping onto the young girl’s shoulders, steadying her. 

“Y/N!” Enola embraced her tightly, though not before Y/N caught sight of her face, flushed red and eyes shining with tears, her expression the picture of distress.

“What’s happened? What’s wrong? Why are you… in your undergarments?” Y/N asked in a rush as Enola pulled away. The teenager wiped fiercely at her face, clenching her jaw.

“My brothers are here…” Enola seemed to struggle with herself for a moment before shaking her head. “I wish to be alone.”

With that, Enola pushed past her and shortly after Y/N heard footsteps on the stairs. Y/N looked back to the door to the drawing room and caught a glimpse of a man holding a book, chestnut curls falling over his forehead, his brown eyes just visible, his brow furrowed as though he were frowning.

Sherlock was recognisable immediately. His eyes moved over to the door, away from the chair Y/N knew to be facing him in the room which she assumed seated Mycroft, and his book lowered, his head raising and his lips parting in slight surprise - an expression that Y/N had never seen on him in the entire duration of their friendship.

Before he could say anything, however, Y/N turned on her heel and walked towards the kitchen.

“Good morning, Miss Y/L/N,” Mrs Lane said from where she was kneading bread dough on the kitchen counter.

“Morning, Mrs Lane - I see that Enola’s brothers have arrived.”

“Yes, they got here yesterday,” Mrs Lane confirmed as Y/N placed down the bags of food she had bought and began to unpack them into the pantry. Knowing how overworked Mrs Lane had been, staffing the house alone, particularly since Eudoria’s absence, Y/N had taken to doing the food shopping for them.

“Enola seemed very upset,” Y/N said, unable to conceal her worry.

“Yes - Mr Mycroft has been less than impressed by both the state of the house and Enola herself.”

“Why?” Y/N demanded, her frown deepening, the beginnings of anger festering in her stomach.

“He doesn’t think Mrs Holmes did a good job of raising her,” Mrs Lane looked equally disgusted by the words even as she spoke them. “He wishes to send her to a finishing school to turn her into a proper lady.”

“But can’t he see that she’s happy here?”

“I don’t think Mr Holmes much cares,” Mrs Lane admitted.

“What does Sherlock think of all of it?”

“He has been rather silent on the matter, Miss Y/L/N,” Mrs Lane said, shaking her head and sighing. “I fear Enola has been rather disappointed by the brother she so idolised.”

“She said she wished to be alone for a while,” Y/N said, leaning on the counter and rubbing her forehead, wanting to ease out the deep concern she was feeling for the girl she had come to think of as a sister. “I’ll try and talk to her in a little bit,” she decided and Mrs Lane nodded her approval.

Y/N ventured out into the garden half an hour later, figuring that that was ample time for Enola to think it over for herself. Y/N knew exactly where the Holmes daughter would be, she knew that Enola had a favourite tree in the garden where she would go, should she want to get away from the house for a little bit.

What she wasn’t expecting was to find Sherlock walking back from the direction of the very tree Y/N knew Enola to be hiding in. He looked deep in thought, but there was no denying the very slight smile that lifted the corners of his lips.

Y/N allowed her head to fall, her eyes on the ground, hoping against hope that there was even the smallest chance that Sherlock may not notice her.

“Y/N - it was you I saw,” there was an edge of something like delight in his voice as he spoke and Y/N wanted to look up, to see his expression, to confirm that he was smiling as he acknowledged her.

Instead, she chose to ignore him and attempted to continue walking.

“Y/N!” Sherlock called, and reached out a hand to gently take hold of her arm, pulling her ever-so carefully back to stand in front of her.

“Mr Holmes,” Y/N returned his greeting, lifting her head to watch his features fall into a slight frown.

“I wasn’t aware that you would be here,” Sherlock said, his eyes searching hers.

“I was always welcome at Ferndell,” Y/N responded stiffly. “Now I must go and speak with Enola,” she said, turning ready to leave him.

“Y-” Sherlock cut himself off from saying her name. “Miss Y/L/N,” he corrected, and Y/N risked a glance at her old friend over her shoulder, seeing his brow crinkled in confusion, an expression that she had rarely seen during their childhood.

“Yes, Mr Holmes?”

“How have you been?” Sherlock was floundering, that much was obvious. All the articles about him that Y/N and Enola had read, all her memories of him from her younger years had always portrayed him as being calm, collected, ready with his words. Seeing him now, in this state of uncertainty, caused by seeing her for the first time after so many years, it brought her a sense of satisfaction.

“Fine thank you, now if you’ll excuse me,” she didn’t give Sherlock a chance to respond, walking away from him as quickly as possible, though she could feel his eyes burning into her back as she left him behind.

Enola was sitting on the grass at the base of the tree, her back pressed up against it, her sketchbook balanced on her lap but her eyes were glazed over and looking at the scenery rather than at the pages.

“Can I join you?”

The teenager started, her eyes widening in slight shock but then she relaxed as her eyes landed on Y/N, who she offered a small, tired smile and nodded her head. Once Y/N had seated herself on the ground, Enola scooted over to rest her head on her shoulder and let out a long sigh.

“I’m glad to see you’ve put on clothes now,” Y/N finally broke the silence and the younger girl laughed a little.

“Apparently my proportions are incorrect,” Enola informed her.

“Yes, I often find myself thinking that,” Y/N teased and Enola giggled again, playfully elbowing Y/N in the side. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t want to go to Miss Harrison’s Finishing School for Young Girls.”

“Finishing school is the worst,” Y/N agreed. 

“I remember when you went,” Enola murmured. “Mother said you hated it.”

“I did,” Y/N confirmed. “I begged my parents every holiday to not send me back, I think I even asked your mother at one point to adopt me so that I wouldn’t have to go,” Y/N chuckled at the memory, shaking her head. “It was a source of great amusement for my brothers.”

“Mine too,” Enola said darkly. “Mycroft is an utter pig, you know.” 

Y/N laughed again at the choice of words.

“Family reunion didn’t go quite as planned, I take it?”

“I didn’t have a hat or gloves,” Enola sighed. 

“So off to finishing school?”

“The only logical course of action,” Enola agreed, her tone biting. “You were friends with them, weren’t you?”

“Yes,” Y/N said, wary of where this conversation was going. “But I stand no chance of changing their minds. Mycroft was always stubborn, even when we were children, and I haven’t seen them since they went to boarding school.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry, I wish I could help,” Y/N said, her heart aching for the young woman.

“It’s okay,” Enola murmured. “I was just wondering, though… Sherlock was talking about me as a child - you must have known me at the same time as him, yes?” Y/N nodded her confirmation. “I think I have more memories of you than him or Mycroft.”

“I spent a lot of time with you,” Y/N shrugged.

“He said that I used to drag a pinecone around with me.”

Y/N couldn’t help herself from laughing as the memory struck her.

“Oh yes - a little pinecone, wrapped in wool that you dragged around on a string because of Queen Victoria’s spaniel. Called… Dash? I think?”

“That’s what Sherlock said, yes,” Enola straightened up, a slight grin on her face. “So it’s true?”

“Yes, you were rather obsessed with the thing,” Y/N confirmed, still chuckling a little. Silence fell between them, comfortable and thoughtful.

“Y/N?”

“Yes?”

“What were my brothers like growing up?”

Y/N thought hard before answering, her mind going back to her childhood.

“They were fun,” Y/N said at last. “They both knew that they were smarter than me, and I think that that was at least part of the reason they kept me around. Sherlock would teach me things - things that my Governess wouldn’t have thought I ought to know…” Y/N trailed off. “They were kind,” she admitted at last. “Albeit a little aloof at times, a little arrogant, they were always kind to me. I think Sherlock could tell immediately that I was unhappy with my family, and that was why they brought me to Ferndell,” Y/N confided.

“Mycroft was kind to you?” Enola asked, staring at her wide-eyed. 

“He didn’t know any better until he went out into the world,” Y/N replied, smiling a little.

“I won’t let him send me to Miss Harrison’s Finishing School For Girls,” Enola stated defiantly.

“No,” Y/N agreed. “I don’t think that you should.”

///

Y/N was reading outside when the maid came to see her.

“Miss Y/L/N, there’s a Mr Holmes here to see you,” Freya spoke, her eyebrows raised just a tad in a teasing way, indicating that she thought it was a romantic house-call. Y/N frowned in return.

“Mr Holmes?” She repeated. “Not Enola?”

“If it’s Enola then she’s certainly changed a lot since I last saw her,” Freya said. “Mr Holmes is in the drawing room.”

Y/N closed her book and stood, following the maid inside, through the house and into the drawing room. She pushed the door open, still confused as to why either of the Holmes brothers would feel the need to make a house call to see her.

Sherlock was standing in the drawing room, his back to her as he stared at the painting hanging above the fireplace. She closed the door as quietly as she could, but the soft sound caught the attention of the detective anyway. Sherlock turned and offered her an unsure, gentle smile.

“Good morning, Mr Holmes,” Y/N said, bowing her head just slightly towards him. She thought she saw Sherlock’s smile falter just a tad before he returned her greeting. “What can I help you with?”

“I’m afraid I bring some bad news,” Sherlock said, walking away from the fireplace. Y/N stepped further into the room and indicated a chair. “Thank you,” he said as he sat down, Y/N seating herself in the armchair across from him. “Enola has run away.”

“Is that really all that surprising?” Y/N sighed, though his words did immediately cause her to worry for the young girl.

“Were you aware of what she was planning?” Sherlock asked.

“No. It just doesn’t surprise me.”

Sherlock looked at her for a long moment, seemingly analyzing her expression and finally he gave a slow nod of his head.

“So I take it that she hasn’t contacted you at all?” He asked.

“I haven’t heard from her since yesterday when I left Ferndell,” Y/N confirmed, attempting to keep her features as neutral as possible.

Sherlock frowned at her, his brow furrowed in concentration.

“Even if she had, you wouldn’t tell me, would you?”

“No,” Y/N admitted, shrugging her shoulders. “But you can’t blame me for that. We both know that Finishing School is not where Enola’s time would be best spent. Besides, from what she told me Miss Harrison seems a foul woman.”

She thought she saw Sherlock’s lips twitch as though he wanted to smile, but then he schooled his expression into one of neutrality again.

“You know, there was a time when you would tell me everything,” he reminded her.

“And there was a time that you found me utterly insufferable for that,” Y/N countered, her words sounding like she was spitting venom at him.

“I never found you insufferable,” Sherlock said, a chuckle in his voice. 

“Is that so?” Y/N mused, quirking her eyebrow at him.

“Perhaps a little slow at times, but I wouldn’t take that personally,” she hated how teasing he sounded, as though nothing had changed since he left. Sherlock clearly picked up on the anger festering in the pit of her stomach and spoke again before she had time to lash out. “But I never found you insufferable.”

Y/N made a noise conveying how unconvinced she was by his words and she stood from the chair.

“If that’s all…”

Sherlock’s eyes flashed with something similar to disappointment before he, too, stood and adjusted his suit jacket slightly.

“Yes… that’s all,” he said. “I thank you for your time.”

Y/N nodded and watched as Sherlock crossed the room to stand in front of the door, reaching out a hand towards the doorknob. Before he could turn it, though, Y/N was hit by a sudden wave of concern.

“Mr Holmes?”

The man paused and looked back at her over his shoulder at her.

“You… if you find her, or here anything… could you let me know? She’s only young… I worry about her.”

Sherlock bowed his head in a sign of consent.

“I will keep you updated, I promise.”

“Thank you… Sherlock.”

Just as Sherlock had promised, he kept her updated on the situation with Enola as best as he could and she received letters from him every other day, even if he had found no new leads.

On the days that he had nothing new to report, his letters were filled with updates about his own life, general musings, his theories about both Enola’s whereabouts and other, unofficial cases that had caught his eye. 

In short, they were the most un-Sherlock-like letters that Y/N could have ever imagined receiving and every time the post came she felt her heart lift in hope that there would be another one for her.

The only letter that Y/N had replied to, however, was one dated about a week and a half after Enola’s disappearance, in which Sherlock told her that he had asked Mycroft to pass over his duties and to make Enola his ward, filing Y/N in on the details about what had happened with Enola and the case of the missing Maquis. Sherlock had also let her know that he had attempted to make contact with his sister via newspaper and that she had indeed come to the meeting spot but had been disguised.

From the tone of that letter, it had been clear to Y/N that Sherlock truly cared for his younger sister, and that he knew that she would be capable of taking care of herself despite the worry that he so clearly felt over her.

After having received a response from Y/N after that letter, Sherlock had implored her to keep replying, but Y/N had not. She was afraid of falling into the same trap that she had when they were kids - of allowing herself to get too close to him, to feel something for him, when it was never going to go anywhere.

Y/N had allowed her heart to be broken by Sherlock Holmes once before, when she was too young to truly understand matters of the heart. She wasn’t going to do it again.

About a week after receiving the letter recounting the tale of Enola and Tewkesbury, however, Y/N got another surprise in the post. A letter from Enola herself, detailing Y/N with much of the same information that had already been given to her by Sherlock, though with more detail and far more reassurance that she truly was safe and secure and comfortable in her newfound lodgings in London.

In the final paragraph of the letter, there was a plea from Enola, imploring Y/N to go and visit her in London - she had attached a date for the following week and the address of a cafe that she said she thought Y/N would appreciate.

And so Y/N found herself boarding a train the next week, ready to meet Enola in London, agreeing to stay with her for a couple of days so that they could properly catch up.

Just as she was settling into the carriage, the train about to leave the station, the door slid open again and a familiar face appeared.

“May I join you?” Sherlock asked, a somewhat nervous smile on his face. Y/N returned it and nodded her head.

“Of course,” Sherlock entered into the compartment, closing the door behind him and placing his bag onto the overhead luggage rack and taking the seat opposite her. “I wasn’t aware that you were back here?” 

“Only for a night - Mycroft demanded my help,” Sherlock explained. “I thought about visiting you, but I was unsure of how much it would be appreciated,” he added. Y/N bowed her head a little, finding herself unable to maintain eye contact with him. “You didn’t reply to my letters.”

“Yes I did.”

Y/N risked a glance up and saw Sherlock’s lips quirk a little, holding back a smile.

“I apologise - you replied to only one of my letters.”

“That’s one more than you replied to of mine,” Y/N pointed out, raising her eyebrows challengingly. Sherlock didn’t even attempt to keep his smile at bay, grinning at her in the familiar cheeky way that Y/N remembered from their childhood.

“I wasn’t aware of how good you were at bearing grudges,” he mused, leaning back in his seat.

“Well perhaps if you’d come to visit you would have realised,” Y/N muttered, opening her bag that rested on the chair beside her and pulled out the book she was reading.

Before she could open it, though, Sherlock’s hand pressed down on the cover, preventing her from doing so.

“I'm sorry, Y/N,” he whispered and when Y/N met his eyes again they were so filled with genuine apology and concern.

“I wasn’t aware that you knew what an apology was,” but she smiled a little, seeing how Sherlock’s eyes brightened 

“Well I’ve been attempting to catch up on them as of late.”

“Enola?”

“I have yet to find her to give her one,” Sherlock confessed, leaning back at last. “You’re going down to see her, aren’t you?”

Y/N knew there was no point in denying it, Sherlock was always capable of telling when people were lying. He had always been particularly quick at picking up on Y/N’s lies as well when they were children.

“Yes - she wrote inviting me down last week,” Sherlock nodded slowly.

“Would you… would you let me know that she’s safe - that her lodgings are comfortable?”

“I’ll let her know you asked,” Y/N said instead, her voice quiet and full of understanding.

“Thank you,” Sherlock swallowed hard.

Silence fell between them. The most comfortable silence that had existed between them since their reunion.

“I did miss you, you know.”

“I’m sorry?”

“When I left home - I did miss you. I know you think I didn’t, and it’s understandable, but I did,” Sherlock confessed.

“Why didn’t you reply?” Y/N asked and she hated the desperation in her voice, the plea to understand why so many years had passed in silence. “Why didn’t you come and visit?”

“I don’t have a good reason for why I did - or didn’t - do any of it. And I’m so sorry,” Sherlock sighed but Y/N frowned at him, noticing how his gaze briefly dropped her own as he spoke, how his fingers fidgeted slightly on his lap.

“I know you’re the detective of the two of us, but I know when you lie, Sherlock Holmes,” Y/N didn’t know what made her do it, but she lent forwards and grabbed one of his hands between her own. “Tell me the truth, Sherlock.”

Sherlock studied her hard for a long minute, his eyes sweeping across her face, taking in every inch of her features and there was an emotion that Y/N couldn’t quite place lingering in his eyes.

“Mycroft used to… make fun of me, when we were children. Because he knew how I… how I felt about you. I’ve never quite… understood why he did, he always liked you, even if he never admitted it, but I hated it. I hated Mycroft making fun of me, it made me feel like he was smarter than me…” Sherlock’s cheeks reddened. “I did not mean for that to sound as conceited as it did.”

“To be fair, you were quite a conceited child,” Y/N teased, squeezing his hand and Sherlock chuckled. “But… what do you mean, how you felt about me?”

“You really want me to spell it out for you?” Sherlock asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“You said it yourself, I always was a little slow,” she grinned, “at least compared to you.”

Her heart was pounding out of her chest, she could barely breathe from the excitement at the idea that Sherlock was hinting at what she thought he was.

“You have to know by now that you are the only woman who I have ever held a place for in my heart.” He paused, shrugging his shoulders bashfully. “Or you were.”

“Enola?”

“Of course,” he confirmed. He lifted her hand tentatively up, pressing his lips gently against the back of it, keeping his gaze lowered. “I just hope that you know you never left it.”

The rest of the journey passed in a blur, the two of them having the final catch up that had been missing for so many years, everything feeling as though it was falling back into place, just like everything had been when they were kids.

By the time the train pulled into the station at London, Y/N had no desire to say goodbye to Sherlock Holmes, and by the way he loitered with her on the platform, it appeared that the sentiment was returned.

“Where are you headed?” Sherlock inquired. “I know Enola wouldn’t want you to tell me her address, but…”

“I’m actually meeting her at a cafe,” Y/N told him, adjusting her grip on her bag and smiling at him.

“In that case… would you allow me to escort you? London can be rather confusing at times, especially for those used to the country lifestyle,” he suggested and if Y/N didn’t know any better, she would have thought he was blushing a little in embarrassment.

“I would appreciate that yes, thank you Sherlock,” she agreed and Sherlock offered her his arm.

Enola did not seem overly surprised at Sherlock’s presence beside Y/N. There was a slight raise of her eyebrows, a knowing smile on her face and a gleam of amusement in her eyes as she walked over to them, her arms laden with a bunch of yellow roses.

“It’s so wonderful to see you again,” she said, completely bypassing her brother and embracing Y/N as carefully as she could with the flowers in her hands.

“I was so happy to hear from you, I was so worried about you,” Y/N told her, pulling away and examining her surrogate sister for any trace of hurt.

“I promise I’m fine,” Enola laughed, holding out the flowers for her. “I bought these for you, though.”

“They’re beautiful, thank you.” 

Enola’s eyes slid over to Sherlock at last, who was standing awkwardly to the side. Y/N could sense how his own gaze was flicking continuously between herself and his sister, clearly overjoyed at seeing her again but also wanting to continue the conversation he and Y/N had been holding on the train.

“It’s more of an apology, actually,” Enola mused. “I’m afraid that something has come up and my assistance is required… elsewhere. Perhaps Sherlock would take my place?” She raised her eyebrows at her brother.

“I-uh-”

“Fantastic!” Enola cheered, hugging Y/N once more and giving a nod to her brother before rushing away.

“Did your sister just set us up?” Y/N asked, turning to face the younger Holmes brother.

“I think so,” Sherlock confirmed. “For what it’s worth, she hasn’t gone far, I believe she has every intention of snooping on us.”

Y/N laughed at that piece of knowledge, rolling her eyes affectionately at Enola’s antics before placing her hand once more in Sherlock’s arm. He reached across her to take her bag to allow her to hold the flowers.

“Well we wouldn’t want to disappoint her, now would we?” Y/N said, nodding towards the door to the cafe, not missing the affectionate smile it brought to Sherlock’s face.

As he held the door open for her, Y/N reached up onto her toes and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

#Sherlock Holmes #sherlock holmes fanfiction #sherlock holmes imagine #henry!sherlock #sherlock holmes x reader #sherlock holmes fluff #sherlock holmes x you #henry cavill #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill imagine #henry cavill x reader #enola holmes #enola holmes fanfiction #courts writings

[princehrry-writings]

Friends Don't

ahhhh, i hope you love it!! please send in requests!! let me know what you think, and if you like it maybe share with your friends?

wordcount: 3226

warnings: mentions of alcohol, maybe swearing? tbh I don't think anything else.

we love a good bff's to lovers :)

All Harry did was shrug him off and say his final goodbyes- heading back out to his car that he had been in not more than 20 minutes ago when he arrived to have dinner with Jeff, and followed the gravitational pull that always seemed to lead back to you.

or

Harry is your best friend that you're in love with, but neither of you will admit it.

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“What are you doing here, it’s the middle of the fucking night H?” It was cold, too cold to stand there on your front porch in nothing but a big teeshirt and shorts. The smile on his face was cheeky, but when was it not with him.

“Just wanted to stop by, that’s all. Got bored…” He said and you sighed, shaking away the blush that wanted to creep up your neck. His hair was a bit messy and his clothes were wrinkled, like he’d been tossing and turning in them. He made his way into your house after you stepped aside to let him in and made himself comfortable like he always does when he comes over.

With a huff, he collapsed on your living room couch, you following in suit and cuddling into his side. It wasn’t uncommon for you to find yourself here in this position. The middle of the night was usually a time when Harry’s mind ran wild, you weren’t much different. Usually, it was the man himself plaguing your mind, but you’d never tell him that.

It’s ok, he’d never tell you that you were the reason he kept himself up at night either.

“Wanna go lay down?” You asked quietly, fidgeting with the rings on your best friend’s hand as the other tangled itself in your hair just the way he knew would relax you. A soft hum arose from him and you nodded, reluctantly separating your bodies and treading up to your room. Harry felt like he spent more nights here than at his own house.

-

Harry’s phone buzzed beside him, pulling his attention away from whatever Jeff had been talking about for the last 5 minutes. A message from you sat there on his screen asking if he wanted to come over and have a movie night and order take out. Another message popped up a few seconds later adding “I have wine 😏” and a smile crept onto his cheeks, something he was never able to control when it came to you. There wasn’t much you couldn’t get him to do, it was something about you that fascinated him. He felt safe with you, safe enough to do anything. He didn’t have to worry about something being leaked to the press or worse- being made fun of by you. He quickly typed back a reply saying he’d be there in 20 minutes and to call in the order to your favorite place not far from your house so he could pick it up on the way. Jeff finally stopped talking as Harry caught his attention, telling him he had to go.

“Wait what? We just got here, we haven’t even ordered yet! Where are you going?” Harry shrugged and said something came up and he had to go but the look in his eyes told Jeff everything he needed to know.

“So you’re leaving me to go see the girl you claim you’re not in love with?” A blush crept up Harry’s neck and onto his face, turning so the man couldn’t see it. With a shake of his head and a cough to clear the lump that had gathered in his throat, he turned back to his friend sitting in front of him.

“She’s my best friend, m’not in love with her!” He defended, wondering which one of them he was trying to convince more and pushing that thought to the back of his mind. The sound of Jeff scoffing, he swore, could be heard from outside the restaurant they were at right now, and the pointed look being directed at Harry was enough to make him want to shrink back into himself just to get away from it.

“H… I hate to break it to you, but friends don’t cancel other plans just to see each other…” Somewhere in his mind, Harry knew that- but that was a thought for another time. Right now, he was just focusing on making it to your house with your guys’ favorite takeout food and cuddling up to you on your couch or in your bed to watch movies he wouldn’t be paying any attention to in favor of watching your eyes light up during your favorite scenes, and drinking what some would say is a little too much wine for a Thursday evening. The two of you didn’t have to worry about that part though- you always had Fridays off.

All Harry did was shrug him off and say his final goodbyes- heading back out to his car that he had been in not more than 20 minutes ago when he arrived to have dinner with Jeff, and followed the gravitational pull that always seemed to lead back to you.

-

Loud music and large crowds were something Harry was accustomed to, he’d spent the majority of his teen years and all of his adult life around them, in the middle of them. What he wasn’t used to was you being there with him. He’d convinced you to have a night out with him and a friend that was in town and you hesitantly said yes. The two of you didn’t go out in public together very often, and when you did it was always very meticulous. You showed up separately, acted like you didn’t know each other, and tried to stay away from as many prying eyes as you possibly could. It wasn’t that Harry didn’t want to be seen with you or even that you didn’t want to be seen with him- it was just better for the both of you that your friendship stay out of the public eye. It was better for your job and it made things easier in your personal life as well. The last thing Harry wanted was for the media to start making rumors and for his fans to start ripping you apart like they had been known to do in the past.

The club you guys were at was very exclusive, and you had followed the same protocol of showing up at different times as to not be seen walking in together. You had sworn you’d never been around so many A-list celebrities in your entire life and you were starting to feel a little overwhelmed at all the people you knew of in the room, all the faces you’d seen so many times before only through a screen. You didn’t have much time to panic as Harry was whisking you off to meet the friend he’d told you about that was here. A very familiar Irish accent piqued your ears as you got closer to the bar near the back of the crowded room, a head of brown hair, that in your mind should still be blond, peaking out amongst the people surrounding him. Of course, out of all the friends he has, it had to be Niall Horan he was talking about. Someone that you were very familiar with. Niall had always been your favorite in One Direction and you made sure you reminded Harry of that every chance, uh sorry, every chonce you got.

Memories of the two of you sitting in your car as a 1D song came on the radio and you shushing him as Niall started singing- reminding him that this was “the best part” and turning it up louder than it really needed to be flashed through your mind and you tried your hardest to fight the blush creeping up your neck as you stopped in your tracks, halting both of you from going any further. You shot him a glare and it took everything in you not to slap that smirk off of his face.

“Really? And you didn’t even warn me? What the fuck H?” If your heart wasn’t racing before, it certainly was now at the thought of meeting Niall Horan. You didn’t even freakout this hard when you met Harry for the first time. That encounter seemed like it was yesterday and 100 years ago all at the same time.

“M’a little hurt you didn’t freak out over me like this, love! What does he have that I don’t?” Faking offense, his hand coming up to hold his chest as if you’d actually hurt him. You scoffed and pushed his shoulder away, fully prepared to run and hide in the bathroom the rest of the night. You freaked out over Harry in a different way. One that you didn’t let him ever see. And sure- maybe you went home after the first time you met and screamed your head off to your best friend in your hometown- but he didn’t need to ever know that. But now here you were, 20 feet away from Niall fucking Horan, your teenage celebrity crush, and you didn’t know if you were gonna make it to see tomorrow.

Why you were so freaked out about meeting him you weren’t quite sure. Maybe it was that he was one of Harry’s closest and oldest friends and you wanted him to like you (for reasons you weren’t ready to admit to yourself, let alone Harry) or maybe it was merely the fact that you spent the entirety of your high school career with pictures of him on your wall and on the front of your school binder.

“I’m gonna die tonight…” You muttered to yourself as Harry began dragging you behind him once again, over to the open bar stools next to Niall.

“Oi there he is!” The Irishman turns to see the pair of you, pulling Harry into a long overdue hug.

“Hey mate,” The smile on Harry’s face is one you don’t get to see often as it only comes out when he feels a weight lift off his shoulders. You knew seeing Niall was something he’d been looking forward to, although you didn’t quite know it was Niall until less than 2 minutes ago. Sometimes life gets to be a little too much and having someone that gets it like Niall does is important. You could only offer so much as you had no idea what it was like to walk in his shoes.

“You must be the famous Y/N this guy never stops yappin’ about!” The smile is replaced by a flush you’ve seen plenty of times before. He almost looks like a dog with his tail between his legs as he flicks the brunets forehead.

“Aye, no need for that,”

“I guess that’s me!” You say with a smile, expecting for Niall to extend his hand. He, instead, pulls you into a bone crushing hug that you know 14 year old you would have died for, but current you can’t help but wish it was Harry’s arms wrapped tightly around your body like this. He hugs you like this all the time, if not tighter, but it doesn’t seem like you could ever get enough of the man with green eyes standing next to you with that lopsided smile sewn onto his face.

“M’ Niall, it’s nice to meet you!”

---

Ok. Maybe those last two shots of tequila Niall had talked you into weren’t the best idea. Maybe, dragging Harry out to the dance floor when you were just drunk enough to tell him anything wasn’t the best idea. Maybe you didn’t really care right now because the feeling of his hands on your body in a way that wouldn’t be considered platonic was too good to do anything about.

Drunk you has been known to almost spill a certain 8-letter phrase that sober you would rather keep to herself. Drunk you wishes you could get over yourself and just say it, so every time- like clockwork- you get close to his ear and begin the little phrase. But somehow, by some magical happenstance, an outside force steps in. Almost as if the universe is trying to tell you something. You just can’t figure out if it means don’t tell him at all or don’t tell him like this.

Just as you felt yourself lean in and brush your lips against the outer shell of his ear Niall showed up out of nowhere letting us know he was heading to the bathroom and joking about how if he wasn’t back in 20 minutes to call security.

“What was that you were about t’say love?” He leaned in close to your ear as you had done to him not even 30 seconds ago before you were interrupted. In his inebriated state, it sounded more like “wha’ was tha’ ya were abou’ t’say love,” as he always talked a little sloppier when he’d had a few drinks. He says that when he bit the end of his tongue off that it got rid of his little lisp but it didn’t really. He’s just never sober enough to remember.

“I-uh, I don’t remember now,” You giggled, playing it off as drunken rambling. He nods, pulling you closer, if that was possible at this point, and swaying back and forth off beat to the music. His arms wrap tightly around your waist, face buried in your neck where he felt most at home. Your arms find purchase wrapped around his neck, your head placed gently atop his. To any wandering eye, it would seem as if the two of you were in love with each other.

-

Someone leaked pictures of your night out to the media. Harry doesn’t even bother to knock as he barges into your house to see you wandering around your kitchen putting things away, acting like you had no idea that the whole world thought you were dating your best friend. Because you didn’t. Your phone had been off all day in favor of getting things done around the house.

“Love, please don’t be mad…”

“Why, what did you do?”

“Have y’not seen?”

“...Seen what, H?”

“Shit,” He muttered under his breath, walking closer to you. He looked like a dog with his tail between his legs. You only grew more suspicious as he pulled his phone out, swiping around until he found what he was looking for.

A cold sweat broke out over your body, throat suddenly dry, heart beginning to race. What you were seeing was a picture of you and Harry with your hands all over each other on the dance floor of the club you were at last Friday night. Your name was attached to the tweet along with Harry’s, obviously, along with other pictures of the two of you together from that night. You felt a little sick.

You were angry that you let your guard down in public but all of your feelings of anguish and sickness washed away when you saw the look of pure fear in Harry’s eyes. He was absolutely terrified that you were going to push him away after this. His mind raced from all of the possibilities. He was terrified to lose you.

“I didn’t mean for this t’happen, pet. Promise! M’so sorry, I-” You shut down his worry, gently placing your hand on his cheek, brushing your thumb under his eye.

“Hey, I know. It’s ok. It’s ok.” You pulled him into your arms, wrapping yourself around him tightly. He melted into you, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck. This is where he felt most at home. Safe in the arms of the girl he loves. His heart sinks at the idea that she would never know. He doesn’t know if he could live with the idea of you meeting someone else. Holding someone else the way you're holding him now. Tightening his grip on your waist, he pulls his head away from your neck, resting his forehead against yours.

“Y/n… I- god why is it so hard f’me t’say this.” He stumbles over his words, trying to find the courage to say what he’s been waiting for so long to tell you.

“Say what, Haz?” You whispered, heart picking up speed. Your fingers gently brushed away a stray curl that had fallen into his eyes.

He was quiet for a beat, looking anywhere but your eyes. When he finally did make eye contact, your breath caught in your throat. His eyes held a look you had seen so many times before. A look you told yourself didn’t mean anything so many times that for a moment, you almost believed it.

“The way I feel about you…” He whispered. This time, it was his hand that gently met your cheek, thumb brushing under your eye. His eyes flitted back and forth between your lips and your irises.

“Baby, for so long I tried to tell myself that there was nothing here. That we really were just good friends, but we both know…” His voice didn’t raise any higher as he said this. You could feel his hand shaking on your cheek. You held his wrist, returning his intense gaze and nodding your head subtly.

You did know. You hadn’t quite realized that he knew too, but you knew you certainly did. Maybe it was a good thing that someone leaked those pictures.

“Y/n, my darling Y/n… I love you.” Tears welled in your eyes as it felt like the weight of the galaxy had just been lifted from your shoulders.

“I know you do,” Your voice broke, trying to keep the happy tears at bay,” And I love you too.”

He closed the already minuscule distance between the two of you, matching his lips to yours. He poured everything he had ever felt for you into this kiss, holding you even tighter against him. You gave him everything you had and more, hoping that this kiss would be enough to truly tell him how you felt. I love you just isn't big enough. There aren’t enough words in all of the languages combined to truly describe the way you feel about the man kissing you right now.

You fit perfectly together, like one soul that's been split in two and destined to reunite over and over again throughout time. You truly believe you’ve fallen in love with Harry many times before, in different lives, as different people. The connection was just too pure for that not to be the case.

He broke the kiss, both of you gasping for air, him muttering, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” between every breath and wiping away the tears that had managed to escape onto your cheeks.

“What are we gonna do?” You asked after you’d both caught your breath.

“Well, first things first, I think I have a question to ask you…” He trailed, a gentle smirk pulling onto his face.

“M’love, will you be my girlfriend?” You beamed, looking into the green eyes before you, nodding your head more prominently.

“Yes,” You giggled as he cut you off with a kiss. His hands roamed the span of your back, cheekily dipping below your waistline, onto your ass. He rubbed his hands around before you playfully slapped them away, not being able to swipe the smile off your aching cheeks.

“We’ll figure this out, together. As long as I have you, the rest of the world doesn’t matter. We’ll take it one step at a time.” He says with an adoring smile.

The rest of the world doesn’t matter, you decide. You have him. And he’s all you need.

#harry styles #harry styles fanfic #y/n #reader insert #harry x reader #harry styles x you #harry x you #best friend!harry #one direction #harry styles imagine #harry styles fluff