#in love with someone who doesn't know I exist

[trippinsorrows]

with me + part 4

authors note: the love and response to this story continues to absolutely floor me. you guys are all so sweet! i was nervous about posting, but everyone has made me feel so happy that i did, so thank you!

couple of hints about things sprinkled through this one. the more i write, the more things are getting fleshed out, so idk how many parts this will be atp, nothing too crazy though!!!

also, some tags don't seem to work for some reason, like when i type it, the hyperlink doesn't appear so super sorry to those impacted by that!!!

warnings: angst, fluff, language, suggestive content

song inspo: with me by destiny’s child

word count: 5.8k

taglist: @pixiedust4000 @southerngirl41 @yolobloggers @msbigredmachine @wonderingfashion @shayaaaaaaa @usoholic @brokenglassslippers @gators-aid @dersha89 @southerngirl41 @empressdede

You couldn't eat. 

Couldn't sleep.

Could barely think straight.

All that consumed you, ate at you, gnawed at your sanity was one thought and one thought alone.

He wanted to take her from you. 

Joe wanted to take your daughter from you, your four year old daughter who still couldn't even go to sleep at night unless she got to see or speak to you.

The daughter who he'd only known existed just recently but was seemingly set on ripping away from you.

That thought destroyed you, made you raw from blistering agony at just the idea of not having Callie with you full time. It destroyed you to the point that you decided to throw some clothes on, hop in your car, and set your google maps for the hotel you knew he’d be staying at. Damn the fact that it was the middle of the night or that you were stupid as hell for being in that situation in the first place. None of that mattered. 

You needed to talk to him, and you needed to talk to him now. 

Joe opens the door with a forceful swing, looking as irritated and disheveled as you’d expect one to look at nearly 1am in the morning. However, when his eyes land on you, confusion meshes with irritation. “Y/N?”

“Hi.” It’s said in a breathy tone. You're struggling to remember the script you rehearsed the whole drive there. “I’m sorry. I know it’s late—”

“What the..….” He sighs heavily and steps aside, motioning for you to come in. “Get in here.”

You don’t need to be told twice, looking around the hotel room that looks so plain and undeserving of someone with Joe’s stature. But, you also know this area isn’t exactly saturated with 5 star hotels, far from it. This is probably the most elite one he could find with such short notice, and it’s not bad at all, just….basic.

He clears his throat, and you return your attention to the man who you just realized is also shirtless. If not for the pending mental breakdown you’re fighting to keep at bay, it would be extremely distracting. Joe is a lot of things, and fine as hell is at the top of that list.

“What are you doing here, Y/N?” He sounds exhausted, and you can’t tell if it’s from the argument earlier that day or being woken up in the middle of the night. Probably both. 

“I just—I need to talk to you.”

“Now?” 

Nodding, you continue. “I know….I know I messed up, okay? I should have told you, but I just—I need you to look at it from my perspective. I need you to just hear me out, and if—if you still feel the same way, then–then I’ll have to deal with that….but please.” 

He’s leaning back against the dresser, arms crossed, taking time to answer as he weighs your offer. Finally, he concedes, “you came all the way over here. I’m not just gonna send you away.”

You’re thankful for him being willing to at least hear some of what you have to say. “Callie.....she was conceived the last time we were together.” Not sure if that part was necessary or the best way to start out, you quickly move on to the next point. “I didn’t find out I was pregnant until two months later. And on top of not knowing what the fuck to feel, I barely knew what to do. I was pregnant by a married man that I’d been sleeping with for three years. A married, famous man at that. Who I finally decided I needed to move on from.” 

Revisiting this is harder than you expected, harder than when you rehearsed it on your drive here. “I was scared, Joe, okay? I was scared, so I—I did what I thought was best at that time, and clearly it was wrong. I 100% own up to that, and you get to be angry with me, but you don’t get to let that anger influence your decision making, because it is.” 

This is the part you debated so deeply on whether to say or not say, to potentially poke the already irate bear. But, you wouldn’t be you if you didn’t speak up for yourself and your daughter. “You want a legal custody arrangement, and I understand why, but—Joe, your name isn’t even on her birth certificate, but to tell you the truth…..I wanted it to be. I did.” Whether he believes you or not is on him, but it’s true. Because while he wasn't present in her life, he was still her father. Nothing would change that. “They wouldn’t do it without you present and without a paternity test—”

“I could have been there,” he interrupts, sounding more hurt than anything. “I should have been there.” 

“You’re right, but you weren’t, and I’m sorry for that too. I’m not trying to make any excuses here, just lay out facts. And the fact is that you can get a paternity test, you can establish paternity, and you can try to secure joint custody, but we both know there’s no way you can take her on. You work nonstop, Joe, and she can’t be on the road like that. She’s four for fucks sake. Calista needs stability, and she has that with me. You know I’m right.”

And you can see that he sees you’re right, the wheels turning in his head as he takes in your sound predictions.

“And I know you don’t right now, and that’s okay, but I am asking you to please trust me enough to know that I will not get in the way of you getting to know Calista. Trust that I only want what’s best for her, I’ve only ever wanted what was best for her.”

“Why should I?” Despite his words, you can see and hear the crumbling of his defenses, of the brick and mortar wall he'd erected earlier during the first round of this conversation. “What’s different now?”

“Because she asked about you.” This is the part that crushes you the most, that makes you wonder if you’ll ever be able to forgive yourself for even putting her in that situation. “Because she thinks you’re not in her life because she’s not a good girl, and I will not have my child grow up thinking she wasn’t good enough for her father to want to be in her life.”

You won’t let her grow up like you.

Period.

Having this discussion, saying these things aloud, you’re slowly starting to recognize how some of your own unaddressed issues have contributed to this situation. How your refusal to confront buried trauma has bled into another generation. It’s…..uncomfortable, to say the least.

And something you definitely need to revisit, probably sooner rather than later. Just…not right now. 

You’ve got to sort this through first.

It’s after a few minutes of silence that he finally speaks, voice surprisingly calm. “You’re right.” You let out a deep breath, nearly falling back at his words. You knew he was wavering but not to the point where he would yield. “I know….I know our situation is complicated, and I’m sorry for being so cold with you. I just—fuck, I don’t know how to process all of this.”

You cross your arms over your chest. “Neither do I, but we can figure it out, because we can’t…..we can’t put her through a custody battle. I won’t do that.” Despite your very valid facts, you also recognize that while he probably wouldn’t win, he has access to the best legal team money can buy and would outlast you in court by miles. 

You won’t say it aloud, not even sure if you can, but you’d soon rather concede than put her through that. You’d give him whatever he asked for if it meant sparing her from that trauma. 

It’s a far cry from your stance hours earlier, but time and actually thinking things through made you realize the pain you’d experience at having Callie taken from you would be nothing compared to what that experience would do to her. You know custody disputes can be long and nasty, and though she was still young, you didn’t want to find out if they would question her. 

You’d sacrifice your soul and surrender. 

You loved her enough to let her go.

“You’re right.” He repeats himself, even and calm. It’s such a stark difference for both of you compared to the blowup from earlier. There’s actual communication occurring, talking with each other, instead of at each other. Listening to hear, not to react. “I—I couldn’t do that to you. I spoke out of anger. My schedule is crazy and she needs stability. You give her that.”

There’s an insurmountable amount of relief that washes over you at his words. It’s night and day from the angry—though rightfully—man that stood before you earlier today. And you couldn’t be more grateful. 

“Thank you.” There aren’t enough words to adequately express the depth of your gratitude. Joe is well within his right to be upset, and like you said, you’ll take whatever that is, so long as the both of you can agree that Callie being with you is for the best. For her, but for you too. You won’t deny that. Your daughter is your life, and the thought of being without her, even for a period of time makes you sick to your stomach. “I–” You wipe your eyes, completely unaware that you’d been crying at one point, the tears starting to dry up. “I’m taking off work tomorrow and keeping her home. You…you can come over once I pick her up from Mariah's."

His eyes light up with appreciation that matches your own for his willingness to look past his feelings to do what’s best for your child. “Yeah?”

You offer a small smile. “I’ll probably get her around 10 and text you when you can head over.”

He nods, and the excitement in his expression warms you. It’s so strange how you can go through so many emotions in such a short time regarding the man in front of you. He always has been able to evoke things out of you that no one else could.

“Thank you, Y/N.”

The way he takes you in, assessing you, it makes you shift your weight from one foot to another. Your hoodie suddenly feels too heavy, warmth climbing up to your cheeks. “I—” You gesture to the door with your thumb. “I should head out.” 

It’s when you turn to leave that he grabs your wrist to stop you. 

“Where are you going?”

Your brow lifts at his tone and words, confused by the quick change and his hand on your arm. “Umm, home?” 

“Like hell you are.” His dismissal is firm and final as he informs, “you'll crash here tonight.” Your face must be painted in defiance, because he explains, “it's almost 2 in the morning, and you look exhausted. I'm not letting you get on the road. Anything could happen.”

“Joe—”

He lifts his hand, silencing you as he points to the middle of the room. “You can take the bed. It's uncomfortable anyway.”

Ironically, a small yawn escapes, further proving his point. You are exhausted, in several different ways. The idea of driving back home right now is not nearly as appealing as sleeping off the day's events. “Okay.” Remembering his comment, you add, “you could have picked one of those fancy hotels ya'll stay in, you know.”

“I don't think there's anything ‘fancy’ within 30 miles of here.” He's not entirely wrong, the town's local steakhouse is considered the definition of fine dining and hotspot for special occasions. 

“There were once rumors of a Hilton being built.”

He looks almost hopeful. “When was that?”

You bite down on your lip. “When I was in middle school.” A small laugh escapes at his look of exasperation. 

“You should take the bed. It's gotta be more comfortable than the alternative.” Truly, because the idea of Joe's big ass trying to sleep on a damn fold out sofa is both hilarious and tragic. “I just need a shirt.”

He looks at you. “A shirt?”

“Yeah.”

“Because…..”

Rolling your eyes, you tug at your old college hoodie. “I can't sleep in this. It's uncomfortable as hell. I dress light at night. You know—” And you stop yourself, because he shouldn’t remember that you always sleep in either a big shirt or thin top and shorts, never more, oftentimes nothing at all when he was in town.

For obvious reasons.

You’re grateful when he turns away and digs through his bag, probably the only one he took with him. He always traveled lightly. He comes back, reaching you one of his black t-shirts. 

“Thanks.” Accepting the item, you walk over to the bathroom, closing the door behind you. Standing in the mirror, you take in your appearance. Joe was being nice by saying you look exhausted, cause you look like shit, every bit of the days events, loud and blaring. Blowing out a breath, you start removing your clothes but pause when you go to remove your bra.

Is that….is that too much? You haven’t slept in a bra in years. Not since puberty randomly hit you over the summer between freshman and sophomore year, where you went from a modest A cup to a whopping D. And post Callie body definitely wasn’t a D anymore. It just seems….it seems indecorous. 

Deciding to go with safe instead of sorry, you swallow your discomfort and keep your bra on. With the hair tie on your wrist, you do your best to pineapple your hair, knowing good and well it’ll be frizzfest when you wake up but not really caring. 

Another yawn leaves your mouth as you walk out the bathroom only to turn into a scowl as you find Joe sitting on the sofa on his phone.

If it wasn’t so late and you weren’t so tired, you’d argue with him why it’s stupid of you to take the bed. He’s at least a foot taller than you. But, you don’t have it in you so just mutter “stubborn asshole,” place your folded clothes on the dresser, and climb into the bed. 

You double check your alarm is still set for the right time and lean across the bed to place it on the nightstand. There’s a comfortable silence between the two of you for a couple of minutes, your eyes closing as you try to sleep, even if for a couple of hours before you have to get back on the road. 

“What is she like?”

Your eyes open at his question, unexpected but understood. You think about it, wondering how to answer, how to explain all of the wonderful things that is your child. Finally, you settle on an answer, soft and honest. 

“You'll find out for yourself tomorrow.” And turning on your side, you murmur, “goodnight, Joe.”

He doesn’t say anything after that.

But while you sleep with the hope of believing that this can be worked out between the two of you, Joe lies awake, taking his turn with mind running a mile a minute.

He knew this would be difficult, knew it was going to get ugly to some extent, but what he didn’t expect was how impacted he'd be by seeing you again.

There was a stark difference between seeing you in photos and seeing you in person. His anger at the situation helped him to not react as strongly, but not as much as he liked or needed it to.

Because regardless of all his outrage, he’d missed you.

Even with your deception, with your deceit and all of his confusing emotions toward you in this whole situation, he missed you. 

Joe might not be ready to admit it aloud, but he’s never gotten over you. And not for lack of trying. He’d had a period where he tried to fuck away his feelings, tried to busy himself in between the legs of other women, his favorite distraction when he was in his twenties. Tried to remind himself that it was never meant to turn into anything anyway, that it wasn’t a big deal. But his efforts were fruitless and a waste of time.

He cared about you, he cared about you, arguably, more than he’d ever cared about a woman. Even….even Jadah.

The night you ended things was still a sore spot for him, still something he plays over in his head trying to make sense of. On the surface level, it’s pretty plain and simple. You wanted more, he couldn’t give it to you, so you moved on. 1+1. He was legally married for fucks sake. He couldn’t blame you for wanting more, but there was also a part of him that wondered why you didn’t just ask him for more.

Then again, that went both ways. Why didn’t he ask you for more?

It’s easy to say it was because of Jadah, because of his marriage, and that was both true and untrue. On his part, anyway. Divorce was easy in name but far from it in every other area. And for him, meant being forced to confront demons he tried his best to keep at bay. Up until two months ago, at least

Joe closes his eyes. This is all too much. 

He came here ready to confront you, and he had, in fucked up way, even if partially deserved. He came here to meet his daughter, to begin to form a bond with her, and he will do that. He just has to push the complicated feelings for you to the side and place them on the backburner until he can sort through that mess.

Calista is his priority right now. Whatever this is between you and him can be figured out later.

Hopefully. 

________

“She can be shy until she gets to know you.”

The day seems to have escaped you, getting on the road early in the morning to drive back and prepare to pick up Callie. She’s thrilled to see you, and vice versa. The two of you spend the beginning of the morning together, stopping at a local diner to share a breakfast before heading back to your apartment. You spend a little more time together, one on one, before texting Joe to head over, staying true to your word. 

Especially since he informed you that he had to fly out tomorrow morning. You expected as such, knowing he’d probably already been gone longer than higher ups liked. He could only push the limits so much. 

You don’t even have to be looking at him to know he’s nervous, an understandable but strange thing. Weird almost. Joe’s a lot of things, but nervous has never been one of them. “But once she gets comfortable, she won’t shut up.” That makes him smile, and you’re grateful for that.  Sure enough, you find Callie in her playroom, which used to be your office space, but the more spoiled she became from your mom, the more you realized her room was too small for all of her stuff. “Hey, Callie Bear.”

Callie looks up, smile bright as she runs over to you. You lean down to meet her hug. She gives the best, loving hugs. “I’m making you something, mommy.”

You gasp. “You are? Well, I can’t wait to see it.”

“It’s a surprise, so no peeking!” She lifts her little finger, wagging it in your face. Laughing, you nod and push back some of her curls. Callie’s eyes then land on Joe’s massive frame standing near the doorway, silently observing. You can see the emotions so clearly on his face: surprise, shock, happiness.

Callie’s smile dims as she moves closer to you, holding you close, her stranger danger kicking in. A small part of you is grateful that even at almost five, she knows to be cautious. Then there’s the other part of you that’s saddened at the fact that the “stranger” she’s cautious of is her own father. “Baby, this is….this is….”

“I’m Joe,” he finishes for you, and you’re both grateful and annoyed. Conflicted because a small part of you wanted to be the one to tell her, but also grateful he ironically took that responsibility off of you. “I’m an old friend of your mom’s.”

Welp.

That’s not….that’s not what you expected him to say, not what you two discussed. It wasn’t explicitly stated, but you were under the impression that they would tell her the truth. His statement isn’t exactly a lie, you did once consider Joe to be a friend, much more than that, but still. Joe’s role in Callie’s life is significantly more than that. 

This seems to ebb away some of Callie’s caution as she asks, “really?” Her eyes fall on you, almost looking for approval. With a tight smile, you nod, giving her the relief she needs to loosen her hold on you. “Do you like Disney?” That causes you to genuinely laugh, something your sweet child definitely inherited from both you and your mom was a love of Disney. 

“I do,” he answers, and you pause. Does he really? Perhaps. Regardless, it’s a smart answer for your Disney loving child. “Do you?”

Callie nods happily, grabbing your arm and twisting it to show the ‘remember who you are’ tattoo on your wrist. “Mommy and grandma have Disney tattoos, and mommy’s gonna get a Moana one for me!”

“Really?” Joe, now crouched down to be at her eye level, sounds genuinely interested, and maybe he is. Callie is impressively charismatic at only four. She’s also his daughter who he’s wanting to develop a relationship with, so it’s not far-fetched that she could be talking to him about the rate at which grass grows, and he would entertain it like he was watching a 49ers game. “You like Moana?”

Is water wet? “She’s the bestest! Right, mommy?” 

You chuckle, fixing her shirt. “She watches it almost every day.” You always found it interesting, ironic even, that your daughter instantly gravitated to Moana, unaware that the voice of freaking Maui is her cousin, that she too had pacific islander ancestry. Through her dad. The dad you kept from her. 

“You know I don’t know if I’ve seen that one—”

Callie’s mouth drops open as she looks at you, “mommy, can we watch it? Please? Please? Pleeeeaaassseeee?”

“Okay, okay, okay,” you relent after pretending to think about it. You like to limit her screentime to two hours, and even though she already watched The Princess and the Frog earlier for the 97th time this month, there was no way you were not gonna allow this bonding opportunity. 

Squealing, Callie surprises you by breaking away and moving over to Joe, reaching for his hand. “Let’s go, Joe!” She pulls on the sleeve of his hoodie, probably to lead him into the living room where Disney Plus is signed in. 

Alone in her playroom, you run over what just happened. You thought you would tell her the truth, tell her that this is the father she was asking about, the one she thought didn’t want her when in actuality, he wanted to know everything there was to know about her.

And for a second, you get pissed off. Why wasn’t Joe honest with her? Isn’t this what he wanted? To be in her life. It’s confusing. He is confusing. But….you try to give him the benefit of the doubt, certain that he must have some reason behind his actions. You just hope they’re damn good reasons.

“Mommy!” You know that tone of hers, the tone that tells you a request is to follow. 

You shout back, “yes?”

“Joe likes popcorn too! Can we have some?”

You laugh and shake your head, shouting out an ‘okay’. Walking out of the room and into the living room, you find Callie near the TV, arm outstretched as she explains every detail of Moana, even the most obvious ones. But, Joe is sitting on the sofa, watching and listening intently. His smile is stapled. 

He looks…..he looks so happy.

Moving into the kitchen, you move around quietly to not interrupt and to get their popcorn made.

Waiting for the popcorn to finish, you hear Callie ‘whisper’ to Joe, “Mommy can’t cook, but she makes good snacks.”

Amid his laughter, you walk near the living room, hands on her hips. “I heard that, little ms. ma’am.”

“That’s what Grandma says,” Callie defends with a shrug of her little shoulders. “She says mommy is pretty and smart and funny, but she burns water.” She looks off, confused, as if it’s finally registering to her that that doesn’t make sense. “Mommy, how do you burn water?”

Joe is on the sofa, hand over his mouth, fighting for his life. You also can’t help but laugh at the absolutely serious look on her face. “Finish your movie.” 

The microwave dings, so you grab two bowls and fill them up equally. Delivering them to both, you place hers on the coffee table as she’s back to narrating. “Popcorn, as requested.”

“Thank you.” Her eyes go wide with excitement as she suddenly asks, “will you watch it with us?”

Damn. You had a feeling she would ask but was hoping she wouldn’t. Disappointing her twice in one weekend felt criminal. “Callie, I'm super behind with work.”

“Pleeeeasssseeee.” She starts with the begging again and then looks at Joe to inform him, “mommy’s a teacher. Do you have a job?”

Joe chuckles. “I do.”

“What do you do?” She asks in a sing-song tone. You give him that ‘I told you she never shuts up’ look. 

“I’m a professional wrestler.”

She’s clearly intrigued, asking, “are you actually good?”

“Callie!” This little girl and her lack of filter sometimes never ceases to amaze you. Your mom swears up and down it’s your payback from how blunt you were as a child. 

You’re starting to believe it.

Joe gives a shrug, clearly loving every bit of this. You can tell he wants her to keep the questions coming. He’ll answer em’ all if it means getting to spend time with her. “I’m alright.”

At that, you give him a look and crouch down to her level. “He’s very good.” You take the remote and quickly pause the TV, adding on, “matter of fact, he’s the universal undisputed champion.” Joe gives you a look, and you can tell he’s surprised by you knowing this piece of information.

You don’t watch wrestling as much as you used to, partially due to what happened between the two of you, mostly because you don’t have the time, but even non-wrestling people know about Roman Reigns and his current, historic title reign. You’re not sure if you’d feel entirely comfortable saying it to him, but you’re massively proud of Joe and all he’s accomplished. You always knew he could do it.

Her eyes widen with excitement and curiosity as she looks at Joe for clarification. “Really?”

“That is true.” 

Head tilted, she moves away from you and climbs on the sofa to sit next to him. Her little legs crossed over as she continues with the questions. “What does undis—undis—”

He helps her out, also angling his body more toward her. “Undisputed?” 

“Yeah! What does that mean?”

You can see he’s taking a minute to decide how to answer. “It means I don’t lose. Ever.”

“Whoooaaaa,” she breathes, obviously impressed. “You must eat a lot of veggies. I don’t like them, but mommy says they make you big and strong.”

“Your mom is right,” he agrees and looks her over. “You’re a very smart little girl. How old are you again? Like 15?”

“No, I’m four!” She giggles and lifts up four fingers. “But, I’ll be five on May 19th!”

His gaze softens. “Your birthday is in May?” She nods, happily. His smile is warm, emotional. “So is mine.”

You still for a moment. You hadn’t even thought about that, that her birthday was just days away from his. There’s something strangely sweet and moving about this fact, both to you and definitely to him.

“Really?” 

And that’s how it plays out for the rest of the day, a combination of Callie’s incessant questions, intermittent viewing of Moana and parts of Encanto. Lunch and dinner sprinkled somewhere in between. You’re even able to sneak off to do your lesson planning, Callie more than fine with just Joe to entertain her.

It warms your heart to see them connect almost instantaneously.

It’s why you wait as long as you can to interrupt, never wanting to do so, to invade their moment. But, you also know your daughter, know that she needs a certain amount of sleep to function the next day. And when you check in on them and catch her yawning, you know it’s unfortunately that time.

Sighing, you enter the living room with your arms crossed. “Callie Bear, it’s time to start getting ready for bed, mamas.”

“Nooo.” She whines. “I’m not tired.” Her groggy voice and scowl would indicate otherwise. 

“Of course, you’re not.” You bend down in front of her and reach for her hand. “Come on, we gotta tell Joe bye. He’s gotta get back to his hotel.” Despite her obvious objections, she climbs off the sofa and accepts your hand but not before looking at him. 

“Will you come over again tomorrow?” She asks with hopeful eyes and a voice of excitement, both things that make being honest with her that much harder.

He obviously doesn’t want to give her the truth, but it’s better than the alternative. With a frown, he answers, “I wish….but I’ve gotta get back to work tomorrow, Callie.”

Her smile drops, and sadness arises. “Why? Do you have to go?” Her quiet voice is comprised of disappointment and despondency. You can tell it hurts him. Her hope is dashed, replaced with sadness. “When will you come back?”

“As soon as he can.” You jump in to assist, hating the way he looks so devastated not having a specific date for her. Truth be told, you wouldn’t be surprised if he won’t be able to get away for another few weeks, if not more. “And you know what, you can use my iPad to Facetime him when he’s available anytime you want.”

Her eyes light up. “Really?” 

“Of course,” he assures. He reaches to push some hair out of her face. “I’ll call you whenever I can.”

She gives him a small smile. “You promise?” 

Joe swallows. “I promise, sweetheart.” 

Pleased and obviously ecstatic at this information, she surprises the both of you by tearing her hand from you to throw her little arms around him for an unexpected hug. You’re not sure why, but the sight makes your eyes water. His eyes close as he gently wraps his arms around her as well. You look away, almost uncomfortable interrupting this moment between the two of them.

When she pulls away, you swear you see disappointment reappear in his eyes. “Bye, Joe.” 

She returns to your side, and you gently direct her, “go put on your jammies and pick out a book. I’ll be right there in a few minutes, okay?” 

“Okay, mommy.” Without protest, she turns and heads back to her room. When it’s just the two of you, you turn to him, “she really likes you.” It feels silly saying such a thing. He’s her father. She should like him. She should love him.

But you also know better than anyone that being someone’s biological parent doesn’t automatically make them a parent. 

“That’s why you didn’t tell her, isn’t it? You want to gain her friendship first.” In watching and participating in the interaction between them, it dawned on you just why he didn’t tell her right away. Joe wanted to first establish a baseline with Callie, wanted her to get to know him just for him, to bond with him not because he was her dad, but because she wanted to. 

And clearly….clearly it worked. 

“She’s amazing,” he whispers. You see he’s still caught up in the emotion of it all, meeting his daughter for the first time, connecting with her as quickly and easily as he has.

“She is,” you agree, suddenly remembering why you’d dismissed Callie. “I–I uhh, I have something for you.” Standing back up—your knees were gonna hate you tomorrow—you pull the thumbdrive out of the back pocket of your jeans. He also stands with you. “I was that new mom who was intent on documenting every single thing my kid did, and I’m kinda glad I did now.” You reach and drop it in his open palm. “I got everything on video. Her first word, first time crawling, first time walking….all of it.” Suddenly uncomfortable with his silence, you add on, “I know it’s not the same as being there, but—”

“Thank you.” he interrupts in a quiet voice, immensely grateful to you at this moment. “Thank you, Y/N.” 

Emotion seems to be the keyword of the day, because yours are also all over the place, for a variety of reasons. It’s an experience that’s both overwhelming and confusing, but also….nice? You can’t necessarily describe it, but there’s something comforting about Joe having a role in Callie’s life.

But that doesn’t equate with your decision to not tell him about her in the first place, hence why you’re a hot ass, confused mess.

He’s making you feel things again, and you don’t like it. 

“I know getting back here won’t be easy, especially with the holidays rolling around. But, whenever you can come, you’re welcome. I mean it.” Thanksgiving is less than 3 weeks away. You’re highly doubtful he’ll be touching down before then. “Christmas is her favorite holiday. I know she’d love to have you here for that.”

“I’ll be back before Christmas and for Christmas.” You don’t know how, but you do know he’s convinced of it, and you don’t put it past him. He seems entirely determined. 

“Okay.” You walk him to the door, unsure why your bodies being so close to each other is an uncomfortable yet pleasing feeling. “Oh,” you suddenly remember something. “You need to make a Snapchat account.”

He scowls almost instantly. “A what?” A small laugh escapes you at his instant disgust. “I’m too old for that shit.”

“We both are, but it’s an easy way for me to share Callie and all her randomness with people. Make it and send me the username. I’ll add you.” It seems all it takes is for you to mention Callie, and he’s sold. He nods in agreement, all distaste washed away with the eagerness of receiving photos and videos of Callie on the regular. You keep your hand on the door, chewing on your lip, murmuring, “Goodnight, Joe.” 

He gives you a look, something unspoken in his eyes. “Goodnight, Y/N.” 

Closing the door behind you, you lock it and take a deep breath, unsure why your stomach is in knots. Not from anxiety or fear but happiness. 

You’re happy to have Joe back in your life, even with all of the bullshit that’s transpired in this single day. There’s something relieving about having him around, and you know it’s for Callie. It needs to be just for Callie, because what you can never do again is allow yourself to fall back into that situation. 

No matter how badly your heart and your head are clashing right now.

No matter how much you're starting to wonder if your heart ever really left that situation.

#roman reigns x black!oc #roman reigns x black!reader #aris notebook #roman reigns fic #roman reigns

[starry-bi-sky]

how do you clone a fey? that's trick question; and fey love those!

@the-navistar-carol (<333) brought up a good point while I was talking about my changeling danny au with her -- Dani! How would she exist in this au? Danny's a changeling - a fae. How would Dani, a clone of him, be created? How do you make a fey? Not through any means that Vlad is doing; you can't make a fey through unnatural means, considering the Fair Folk are nature. And Vlad's not a fey himself -- he's a halfa, even if he could make a fey, it's not in his best interest too. He's a powerful ghost, but even the weakest fae can overpower the strongest ghost. He won't want a clone of Daniel to be more powerful than him.

(In a three tier hierarchy it goes Ancients -> Fae/Mythos -> Ghosts. They all live in the Infinite Realms, but on different Planes. The fae live above the Ghost Zone in the Fey Wild, while the Mythos live beside the Wilds or down in the ghost zone depending on where they are. Places like the Frozone, the Athens Acropolis, and other such large islands climb throughout all three Planes.)

(While Ghosts can travel into the Fey Wild, its generally advised against as the ectoplasm tends to manifest differently there due to close contact magic. It can make it rather disorientating for a ghost, and as human spirits, the Fae living there would jump them faster than they could blink. So unless you're willing to play mind games with 'steal thy name eat thy face' fae, most ghosts keep out of the way of the Wilds. Fey can travel down into the Ghost Zone, they just don't bother.)

That's of course, not taking into account if Vlad even knows Danny's a fae himself. Vlad doesn't ring me as someone who really cares much about ghost culture or the going ons of the GZ. He might be aware that fae exist, but the moment he realizes he can't use them for personal gain he just doesn't bother with them. The risk is greater than the reward, and he'd rather not get eaten. But lets assume he's aware by now that Danny is fey, and has to take that into account while cloning him.

So, how does Dani exist? Good question! Honestly; i'm not sure. She might not exist at all, or if she does, she's more halfa than fey. Vlad would need a lot of human dna and ectoplasm to balance out all that fae magic. He manages to steal DNA from Jack and Maddie to do it, and since Jack's fey ancestry is very dormant its much easier to use alongside Danny's DNA.

In turn, it results in a little girl whose more human-ghost hybrid than clone. With that little extra boost in fey magic making her not a fey, but still relatively powerful. Dani is less of a clone and more of a lab-grown little sister. It's a rather tedious, complex process that has Vlad tearing his hair out trying to figure out. But he does eventually figure it out.

#dpxdc #danny fenton is not the ghost king #dpxdc crossover #changeling danny au #danielle fenton #danny phantom #still no mention of DPXDC yet so i'm adding the DP tags if thats alright lmao #how do you clone a fey? trick question! you can't. you can only make something that's not-quite fey but has ties to them. #dani's fey ancestry is an ounce of water compared to the bucket of everything else. which is more than the drop in the pond compared to jac #but not quite as powerful as changeling daniel. whose more fey than human at this rate. which is very fun to think about in terms of #his rogues haha. imagine going into the human realm about to cause chaos only to come face to face with a baby fey. a changeling. #i'd simply pass away a second time. where is your parent. human raised or otherwise?? are they nearby??? shit i thought fey hated urban #cities. what are YOU doing here baby man. im going to get eaten holy fuck. that's so many teeth. #. oh. oh you think you're a ghost. hm. hmhm. i can work with that. lets just. make sure you keep thinking that okay :) great :)) #like jumpscare dude. i just saw my afterlife flash before my eyes. hello unsupervised fey child. holy fuck are you teeny tiny. #vlad probably uses some of his own dna to get the halfa effect so really dani's more of a lab grown *half* sister. Danny's gonna end up #stealing her anyways in the end. his sister now :). non-human danny my beloved #catch me using fey and fae interchangeably. my bad #some food for thought sorry if its hard to understand. #steal thy name. eat thy face fey

[unpassive-viewer]

I might be way off-base with this considering I have only watched the series once, but it was interesting to me how regularly Cooper had alcohol in his flashback scenes.

In one scene, another ghoul mentions how Coop was one of the first people to get into the drugs that turned him. I'm curious to see what we learn about his character and the immediate aftermath of the bombs dropping in S2. This guy was clearly already having a crisis of conscience and self-medicating out of habit. He's a bit of an "effective altruist", trying to decide how to do the most good based on the information that he has and the roles that he can take. Yet his altruism is really not that effective at all, only as a result of bad information.

My bet is that he lost his daughter to his (ex)wife after having to make a critical moral decision where it's them or doing the "right thing". She mentioned that her position with the company would get them into one of the "good" vaults, but clearly the Ghoul doesn't know which one that is.

I love that the character arcs in the show all revolve around coping with being wrong about your understandings of the world. The Ghoul finally meets someone who's like who he used to be, and has to re-evaluate his idea of people after 200-odd years. Lucy has the inverse, learning to accept that people in the wasteland are trying to survive by any means necessary, and that the "dignified" people that she lived with before are also highly flawed (some more-so than the wastelanders). Maximus learns that the image of strength that he needed to protect himself is a farce, and that safety comes not from hardness and lack of attachments, but from community. This is the reality of life - almost nothing exists in the extremes that you assume. I am really excited to see where their stories go.

#cooper howard #fallout tv #fallout #fallout prime #spoilers

[ssahotchnerr]

i just rewatched the fisher king and all I can think about is Hotch gently rocking jack's stroller as he spoke to Hailey

And it got me thinking what if he did the same with baby Ellie but in less gruesome and stressful moments 💀 like she had been crying for her daddy all day so you decided to take her to see aaron, after making sure he wasn't too busy or anything

And he just has that big smile on his face when he sees you with little Ellie in her stroller, immediately putting his arms out so he can pick up his little girl 🥹

He keeps her up in his office, away from all the noise and whatnot and just either holds her in his arms while talking to her and doing paperwork (we love multitasking) or just rocking her stroller while talking to her 🥹🥹🥹

i am currently dying thank you

🥺🥺🥺 ellie’s the biggest daddy’s girl there ever was

like the second she left aaron's arms that morning when he had to go, instant tears - which he felt horrible to leave too :( he tried holding her for just a few minutes longer, but that did nothing because again, he inevitably had to go. at this point ellie knows how to say dada too, so that's mixed with her wailing, and it's just heartbreaking :((((( like him closing the door to the sound of her crying, calling for him, tore up every piece inside of him 🥺

when he gets to the office, aaron's not in the best mood so to speak, he's rather grumpy >:(, but he eagerly gets busy just for the day to go by quickly. back at home, there's literally no luck in calming her, so around aaron's lunch break, you call and ask if you're able to see him for a moment/drop her off for a while (you’ve been aching to go grocery shopping too, but bringing a sobbing baby would not make the trip enjoyable for anyone). it's merely a paperwork day, so aaron accepts at once and tells you to please come

ellie continues to sniffle and cry for him in the car, but the second the two of you enter the bau, it switches off - as if she knows where she is and who she's about to see. and when she does see aaron !!!!! :DDDDD it's as if her treacherous morning never existed she's ALLLL smiles <333 she's instantly making grabby hands at him, babbling, and the second she's in his arms, she's burying her little face into him ☹️🥺🥹🥹💓💞💓

in his office, (also crying at the visual of him lifting her stroller up the few short stairs to it) she's in his arms with him as he works until she falls asleep, and then she's in her stroller (which doesn't take long because poor baby girl wore herself out) he's gently pushing her back and forth, whenever someone comes into his office to give him papers/to talk, he makes sure they're on the quieter side as to not wake her too. hehe the team also keeps coming in to visit and gush over ellie 🥹<3333 especially penelope. hehe aaron repeatedly has to tell her to stay in her bat cave to get work done, but he loves it 🥰🥰🥰🥰 it pulls a smile out of him every time

#let's talk aaron <333333 #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #ellie hotchner <3 #aaron hotchner imagine #criminal minds imagine

[outromoony]

Love confession

@wolfstarmicrofic | Soulmate AU | Word Count: 683

"Do you believe in soulmates?" The moment those words escaped Sirius's lips, he knew he must have said something wrong. Remus was looking at him with an expression of surprise, his eyes wider than usual. He tried to take back his words. "I mean... of course soulmates exist. Look at James and Lily. They are soulmates, without a doubt."

"Why question the existence of soulmates when you've already found yours?" Remus finally spoke, clearly swallowing the emotions that had gripped him just moments before.

"It's just... I don't know. Aren't soulmates supposed to be reciprocal? If someone matches your soul, aren't you supposed to match theirs as well?"

"You don't think you match Mary's soul?" Remus was looking at him with something like a mix of confusion and pity. "And... no. Soulmates are not always reciprocal. Souls aren't perfect, just like their owners. Nothing in the world is perfect—not magic, not humans, not wizards, and certainly not souls."

"I found my soulmate, but they haven't found me."

"What are you talking about? You've had your tattoo since first year. And then dated the one who caused it years later. You broke up with her, yeah, so what? That doesn't mean she isn't the one for you. Just like soulmates, time isn't perfect either. You will find the right time, Sirius; you always do."

Why was Remus always so good with words? It only made him feel even guiltier when he spoke again.

"Mary... she isn't my soulmate."

"What?" Remus's eyes widened, as if he were just looking at him properly for the very first time. "What do you mean?"

"Mary isn't my soulmate; she isn't my permanent tattoo."

"I-" Remus had to shake the surprise out of his face. "But why would you lie about something like that?"

"Maybe because I barely knew you lot at that time?" Sirius laughed with obvious sarcasm. "I just saw the first pretty girl and said it was her. But it wasn't; I never even spoke to her once all first year."

"Then your tattoo..." Remus began, but Sirius cut him off.

"I didn't lie about that. I did get my tattoo at eleven."

"Then why lie about who it was?" Remus was waiting for an answer, and Sirius wanted to give it to him, he always had. But fuck, it was so hard, to look at him in those gorgeous brown eyes and say the words he should have said a long time ago.

So he didn't; instead, he just lifted the sleeve of his shirt until the black ink was exposed.

Sirius could still remember it as if it were yesterday—the first time he met Remus Lupin. The quiet boy had been annoyed with him and James for causing a rampage on the train. He never said anything, but he would shoot them annoyed glances from behind the book he was reading every five minutes.

When all of them were sorted into Gryffindor, Remus was the last one to join them at the table. There was something about him, from the very first moment, that made Sirius want to be close to him forever. He recalled shoving James out of the chair next to him, making it the only available seat so Remus would have to sit beside him.

The first time Remus ever spoke to him was when he realized where and with whom he had ended up. He sat next to Sirius, avoiding eye contact at first. But then he smirked—a malicious, playful smirk that left Sirius feeling breathless and weak. Then he spoke.

"Ah, the universe has a sense of humor, I see."

Those were the exact same words that were now tattooed on his skin. The same words that had been there since the moment Remus met his gaze for the very first time. Sirius looked up to see Remus's reaction after seeing the tattoo. It was one of shock and disbelief, but as he recovered, Remus rolled up his own sleeve as well, revealing a fresh tattoo still red around the edges:

Do you believe in soulmates?

#wolfstar microfic #wolfstar #sirius black #remus lupin #remus loves sirius #sirius x lupin #sirius and remus #remus x sirius #sirius being sirius #remus john lupin #sirius orion black #moony x padfoot #moony and padfoot #sirius o black #remus j lupin #marauders microfic #marauders #the marauders #marauders fandom #marauders era #the marauders era #moony #padfoot #dead gay wizards #dead gay wizards from the 70s

[aphverse-confessions]

I think making Vylad the middle kid of the Ro'meaves actually takes away from their dynamic considerably, especially Zane and his specifically. Also any time I see someone doing that, it's usually to benefit Zane's story in some way, when really, he doesn't need more intrigue than he already has

Vylad in MYS being the one to skip a grade back in Highschool makes sense and I'm tired of people saying it should be Zane that's the overachiever. You're telling me it makes more sense for Zane, who was (let's face it) coddled by Zianna his whole life due to his sickness and eye injury as a kid, to feel like he needs to do well academically and prove himself? Zane doesn't want her doting attention on him, he actively avoids doing anything that would put the spotlight on him in a positive manner. He wants to destroy her view of him so she'll leave him ALONE. I think people genuinely forget about that, because he was such a different person in MCD

While Vylad has been consistently ignored by everyone in his family, ESPECIALLY his parents. As long as he isn't breaking rules, they don't care. Of course he'd want to excel in academics, he wants even a sliver of the attention Garroth or Zane gets on a day to day basis. As much as he may joke around or make comments about how he likes the attention not being on him 24/7, there's still going to be a deep-rooted pain and jealousy that he's considered less than his brothers just for existing.

And also the idea of Garte making Zianna have Zane last as a sort of "fix" for the affair baby that Vylad is.. also doesn't sit right with me? I wouldn't put it past Garte, but just, something about the idea doesn't make sense for everyone's characters except his?

And then in MCD it equally doesn't make sense!! I'm not kidding, it actively takes away from Vylad's character for me. Backstory wise, him being the youngest means he's /expendable/. O'khasis only knows him for his death, they wouldn't care otherwise. Garroth is the heir, Zane's in case anything happens to Garroth, and Vylad- is there, and ultimately pretty ignored

And I know we love Zane, but I've seen a few people make him the youngest in MCD so he could look up to both Garroth AND Vylad but. Not only does Zane, again, not need more intrigue than he already has- but ALSO I think Vylad being the one to look up to both his brothers is objectively more heartbreaking? Imagine looking up to your two older brothers your whole life, growing to know you're worlds apart in importance- both to the world and your parents. Knowing you're just a spare part and a mistake.

And then it takes dying to realize what a bad person one of them is. You can't tell if your resentment and pain is because you're now an unnatural being- still, not meant to exist. Never meant to exist- or because you're right to be angry.

Him being a middle kid that Zane looked up to would mostly take away from all of that, for me anyways

ANYWAYS, this got really long I'm so sorry 🙏 (also if you do make Vylad the middle kid in your rewrite I don't like- hate you or anything, their dynamic just isn't as interesting to me unless you give Vylad some new source of interest)

.

#aphmau confessions #aphmau #aphblr #aphverse #aphmau mystreet #mystreet #aphmau mcd #aphmau minecraft diaries #minecraft diaries #mcd #long! #Vylad tag #zane tag #garroth tag

[mari-lair]

Hello and good day! I'm sorry if this has already been asked before and you can totally just ignore this if you want, but I'm curious: can you imagine a world where somehow, Aoi likes someone else and not Akane? Cause I think that while the canon version of her is cute, I have recently read a what-if fanfic in her pov where she absolutely hates Akane the same way she does her other admirers and now I am hyperfixating on that. What habits would have been different compared to canon Aoi? Would Akane have grown more deperate since he (presumably) would know that Aoi genuinely does not like him in this scenario? What if he began noticing Aoi starting to like her dream boy in class? The possibilities are killing meeeeee!

Oh man, I'm the wrong person to ask this cause I genuinely can't imagine this scenario being possible without obliterating Akane's characterization.

Do you remember why Akane fell in love with Aoi? Because Aoi loved him so much that she broke her "cold and indifferent, hate dealing with people" mask for him. She TRIED so hard to hate him but still ended up crying cause she cared so much.

If the mask was real and she truly didn't care about him, I don't think Akane would fall for her.

If he did fall for her later on anyways, I can't see him trying to pursue her after being rejected/met with her discomfort/annoyance. Even in the timeline where she does like him and comes up with the silliest of excuses to keep him around without straight up accepting his confessions, he had admitted that he would keep keeping her safe while keeping a distance in case she doesn't want him.

He only pursues her so much cause she actively flirts and encourages him to.

The idea Aoi would encourage him if she didn't like him does make Akane pestering her believable but at the cost of Aoi's own character being obliterated. I don't think I'm being harsh when I say Aoi would be a bitch if she went "hehe try harder <3 Impress me Akane-kun!" consistently enough for him to buy it that she could date him while thinking "Tch, hate this guy, he keeps harassing me".

That would means she doesn't even consider him a friend, she doesn't care AT ALL about his feelings, which is nothing like the Aoi who tries to pretend the people she dislikes don't bother her/don't exist and loves her friends dearly, putting them above her.

The most I can picture is Aoi falling for someone else and Akane either not getting a crush on her and supporting her fully, or slowly putting some barrier between them cause he can see Aoi doesn't like him and being in pain, the classic 'i want her to be happy' and 'she won't be with me' conflict where he has a crisis but eventually learn to let her go, reach the point he can be comfortable by her side even when she is with someone else.

Or Aoi realizing Akane likes her romantically and being anxious that she has to reject a friend, whom she deeply values, but her growing unease and lack of encouragement wouldn't be able to fool Akane for long. Their whole thing is that they know each other well after all and Akane consistently asks 'are you okay?' when he senses anything may be wrong with Aoi.

Maybe it would take some months for Akane to understand without Aoi giving him a straight-up rejection, especially if they are small when he gets the crush, but Akane pays so much attention to her, he would pick up the signs she is uncomfortable, especially if it reaches a point of Aoi staring to resent him for it more than being scared of losing him. He either drop it silently or straight up confront her about it, probably.

#full disclosure i hate 'what ifs' that turn kind characters into very non complex mean people #so again. I am not the best person to ask this. I have negative bias T-T #but the base premise of 'aoi liking someone else' can be interesting #i just never saw it done without either aoi or akane becoming caricature of themselves #tbhk #toilet bound hanako kun #aoi akane #akane aoi #jshk

[fictionadventurer]

I don't know why this feels like such a revelation, but after watching the latest Moffat episode of Doctor Who, it clicked for me that the core difference between RTD and Moffat Who is that to RTD, the Doctor is God (or a metaphorical substitute for God), while Moffat's Doctor is a man in need of God.

Like, it's obvious RTD deifies the Doctor. The imagery is not subtle. And Moffat's Doctor is obviously a much more fallible man. But I hadn't fully considered how this affects the kinds of stories they tell.

In RTD's Who, the Doctor is someone who comes into a mundane human existence and gives it meaning. An encounter with the Doctor changes your life forever. You would follow him to the end of the universe if he asked, because life with him is infinitely better than life without him. Humans who try to reach the Doctor's level are struck down, because mere mortals cannot rise to the level of godhood. From a Christian perspective, this offers valid storytelling possibilities ("Human Nature/The Family of Blood", with its musings upon the Incarnation, fits perfectly in this era), but it does have the Doctor standing in the place of God, which suggests that the universe of RTD's worldview doesn't have one and needs the Doctor to fill that gap.

In Moffat's Who, on the other hand, the Doctor is a wondrous, impossible, legendary being--but still just a man. He can guide you through some of the best or most terrifying moments of your life--but your life has meaning outside of him. His companions learn over and over again the perils of relying on him too completely. Ordinary people can be just as good--or better--than him, because the Doctor is just another man, growing and changing and trying to find his place in the universe.

Moffat's Doctor is extremely aware that he's in a story--and he is not the author. In "The Doctor Dances" he is aware of how death-filled his stories usually are, and is ecstatically grateful when he is permitted a story where everybody lives. In "Blink", he and Sally are both following a script--but neither one of them wrote it; though they have free will, this story came from outside of them. Of course, these are examples of Moffat's meta exploration of storytelling--but the fact remains that his Doctor exists in a world where there is a greater force that runs everything.

And the Doctor resists this. He remains skeptical, arrogant, independent--but he is always searching for something more.

All this crystallized when watching "Boom". There, the Doctor is facing soldiers in a religious war, and he sneers that they didn't notice anything fishy because they "had faith, which keeps you from ever having to think for yourself." Those are the brutal words of every hackneyed internet atheist, and since the soldiers were wrong to have faith in this war, it seems like the story's saying the Doctor's right, and religion's just the "opiate of the masses".

And yet.

The episode ends with the Doctor telling a little girl to hold onto faith, and when the religious character points out that the Doctor was stridently against faith, the Doctor replies, "Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I don't need it."

Isn't that the Christian experience in a nutshell? How many of us are tempted to think that life would be so much easier if we didn't follow God? And yet we can't leave it aside because we need God. We need meaning outside ourselves, and life with God is better than life without him.

But this isn't the Whedon-ish universe where it doesn't matter if it's true so long as believing does something good for you. There is objective truth, and the Doctor is aware of it. He is aware that love is the most powerful force in the universe. (God is love). He is aware that everyone and everything dies, yet knows that something lingers on. (God is stronger than death). The Doctor is in a world where God exists, and even if he (or his writer) doesn't know it, he needs him, is searching for him, and to some extent, believes in him, because he can't deny these truths that he's seen. And I cannot get over how many different ways Moffat has been exploring these themes all these years.

#doctor who #steven moffat #catholic things #i went to that episode hoping to see the usual themes #but i didn't expect to see them escalated to the ultimate extent #i am going to be thinking about that ending scene for the rest of my life #i know i've always said moffat's who is catholic but this is the first time i've thought the doctor could be catholic

[perfecteggpartyland]

im not the other anon but ig when compared to other characters kevin can come off as a coward. and i do think "Kevin is a coward" and "it's completely normal for kevin to be afraid of riko" can exist at the same time.

but when pitted against neil for example. i can see see how kevin might seem that way. neil does run away from his father, but ultimately, he only really does that while under the control of his mother. Neil explicitly doesn't want to keep running. and stops very soon after his mom is dead and she can no longer force him to. and the decision does frighten him, I mean he has panic attacks about it, but he keeps doing it despite that. he plans to stay even before Andrew offers him protection, so he doesn't need that crutch like kevin does.

neil also isn't afraid of riko, even when he should be or when he's literally torturing him. he's not afraid of tetsuji either. or even really ichirou. even scenes with his father and lola, I mean he says lola looks like a whore to her face when she's about to torture him 💀 he says "fuck you" to his father when he threatens to cut the tendons in his legs. and he does try and fight Nathan and the others like he punches lola in the throat 😭 I'm just kinda listing of neils actions, but hopefully it makes sense? like I'm not saying neil is always unaffected or unafraid cause its not true, but he has more bravery than I think most ppl do cuz i know I wouldn't be cursing out these ppl if I was face to face with them.

and when we see compare Kevin's behavior to that a lot of it can come off as cowardice.

I think the real problem is seeing coward as a bad thing to be. which maybe sometimes it is. but it seems odd for the fandom to say "oh it's okay to be afraid" and then act like it's an insult to call Kevin a coward. its not bad if he is one. it's just a personality trait, it doesn't make him a bad person. I don't think anyone who calls Kevin a coward is attempting to make some moral judgement of his character, they're just noting a personality trait they observed in him.

Ok the problem is that a lot of people who call Kevin a cowerd ARE making moral judgements of his character; Kevin is rightfully afraid of riko and a literal Yakuza; he grows up in the nest where Neil spent two weeks and as further more traumatized; a lot of people don't take that into Consideration . Kevin not spouting up insults like Neil is not cowardance. he can keep his temper in check; neil is being hypocritical too cause like as u said his mom abused him yet he loves her ; and Kevin grew up with riko and still sees him as a brother figure; that's normal not to mention Neil is afraid of his father and think Kevin is coward. for Kevin his fear is riko. I think it all depends on what you think bravery is; Neil can't keep his temper in check and all his roasts and "bravery" has had awful consequences a lot of times. if Kevin was really coward he wouldn't tell Neil to run away while in the middle of season once he found out his identity knowing game would be at risk; he still offered to talk to Neil about riko when he's rightfully terrified and had a panic attack after seeing him. He never gave up on exy learned to play with his other hand and in the end he manages to stand up to riko; and beats him. It just pisses me off when Kevin's characters good traits are all ignored in favor of him being labeled as a spinless coward ; when that's not the case. Bravery is not only shit talking or knife swinging to me. And I hate the world coward generally; he's traumatized just as much as the other foxes and other than his rightful fear of riko and actual Yakuza he's not a coward and in the end he does stand up to him/them so he's not even a coward anymore. It shouldn't be such a large part of Kevin's description in the end at least ; by that logic jean is also a coward? And I've never seen someone call him that badly over the years.🤷

#aftg #all for the game #andreil #psu foxes #palmetto state foxes #kevin day #riko moriyama #nathaniel wesninski #jean moreau #edgar allan ravens

[ystrike1]

Don't Take Your Eyes Off Me - By Elvechica (8.5/10)

The mask is off. We all know the idol industry is extremely dark and twisted. It's old news. Being an obsessive fan is frighteningly common. So common in fact that it's not hard to believe crazy stories like this one. Maybe somewhere out there a real-life idol is lurking around, obsessing over one of their own group mates. It's such a crazy thought, but this is the painfully realistic version of that crazy scenario.

Please note: The happy ending of this story is extremely twisted and flawed on purpose. I think this should have been a long form story, with about twenty chapters, but there are only six. It looks simple on the surface, but the main character is just as flawed as his stalker.

Jun is a tall, handsome man with rich actor parents. His father now owns a talent company. He was born with literally every single advantage possible in life, and he loves the performing arts. Naturally he tried to debut as a actor. When he failed he tried to become a model....he failed again...he couldn’t hack it. Not even with a famous last name and good looks.

Jun is scum.

Making a boy band under his father's company label is his last shot. His last choice. Becoming an idol is literally his back up plan, because he can't handle failing. He thinks his lofty parents don't respect him....so he doesn't respect himself and he's willing to take advantage of other people to go higher.

His father offers him a gimmick. Writing. Daddy will pay a talented ghostwriter to write AND COMPOSE trendy idol songs...and Jun will get the credit.

Jun accepts, because at this point he thinks he can't succeed without cheating.

The ghostwriter plan works waaaayyyyy too well. The first single is a bop. Their tiny social media accounts blow up. It'll be a one-hit wonder if they don't keep up with this lucky momentum....so the trio of three takes every job they get offered.

Primula is a trio of pretty, hardworking hotties who fit the boy band bill just right.

Jun Sakuma is a *LYRICAL GENIUS WHO COMPOSED EVERY SINGLE THAT MADE PRIMULA THE SUCCESS IT IS. Also, he's buff and tall and a great dancer. (His voice kinda stinks though, which is a major hint. Being in a boy band is just about avoiding failure for Jun. It wasn't his original passion.)

Yuma is a nice guy, and he is a great actor. He accepts television and stage roles to promote the group. He's also a talented singer, and dancer.

Isshin was an up-and-coming model before he joined the group. He had an existing fan base before he started singing, and he has the voice of an angel. He's very talented with instruments too, and he's the ghostwriter. Jun used up his talent to get his backup boy band debut. Jun doesn't know his unstable career involves standing on a friend's back, and HE DOESN’T FEEL REAL REMORSE UNTIL HE LEARNS THE TRUTH.

Daddy also threatened Isshin. Isshin can't take it anymore. He tells Jun everything. He hates Jun's fake innocence. He hates watching someone who hasn't written a single word take credit for his talent.

(He's lying.)

He says he hates Jun.

(He's lying)

Jun is immediately swallowed up by guilt. He can no longer distance himself from the truth. He doesn't want to be propped up by the genius writer lie anymore. He decides to work harder, and pour all of his passion into the career he chose so half-heartedly.

He understands that Isshin is angry and hurting the most.....so he listens to everything Isshin says.

Isshin uses Jun's body. Isshin controls his diet. Isshin controls what he wears. Isshin says they have to live together.

Isshin claims he is doing this because Jun needs to be strictly trained.

Jun believes this...because he is the weakest link in the group and he doesn’t want to ruin everything for everyone.

He keeps his mouth shut about the ghostwriter lie, because Isshin says he wants the group to succeed.

He's willing to make sacrifices.

Jun should be too.

Jun values himself so little that it damages the people around him. Yuma, his parents, and his managers can all see his talent....but Jun has failed too much and he only sees himself as an obstacle.

When a big company says "his" writing talent is wasted in such a small group....Jun feels guilty for stealing Isshin's talent all over again. It's been a year, and Jun is dying to share the truth because he genuinely loves his fans and being an idol now.

Learning from Isshin has been amazing...besides all the abuse I mean...haha...every form of abuse...

Jun wants to tell Yuma and spill the beans.

The convenient secret that allows Isshin to control Jun.

It all feels so obvious, but Jun is the perfect victim. A busy idol with a strict shedule. He's used to being overworked and abused.

He thought Isshin hated him, but no.

Isshin has been too excited to stay sane for the entire year.

All of that brutal training and control was just an excuse.

Isshin wanted to play with his favorite idol, and he loved every second of it.

When Jun flunked acting Isshin was already there...in the background watching.

Waiting for a chance.

After Jun reveals the secret their relationship begins for real three months later. The group re-debutes because they're still popular and Yuma is a decently popular stage actor.

Why does Jun forgive Isshin?

Well, it's because something is deeply wrong with him. Something is broken inside Jun. Something that is hard to describe.

Without Isshin's obsession he would have faded into nothing. Isshin's weird nonsense actually made Jun a better person. By the end he's no longer totally reliant on his daddy. He's surrounded by good friends, who recognize his talents. He's more confident and he doesn’t see himself as an "untalented" extra.

Even though that's all true any normal person would have rejected Isshin and got a restraining order.

When I say this is realistic I mean Jun doesn't "forgive" Isshin. I mean Jun is an adult that recognizes he also did bad things, and he appreciates Isshin. He admires Isshin's talent too, even if his obsessive motives were impure.

It's wrong, but he loves Isshin anyway.

He wants unconditional love and support in his life, because that's what saved him from falling apart.

Jun has actual practical reasons for accepting his yandere partner besides money, and it's good.

#yandere #male yandere #yandere male #yandere boy #recommendations #recs #rec #recommended #Don't Take Your Eyes Off Me

[theredcuyo]

Maybe i just want to lie to myself but let me present you this (I'm curious of what Phil is gonna say, but for now, this)

If Lullah and Chayanne are the kids of death, maybe they've ascended and now, were expecting the lady of death waiting for them, or their papa, or who knows, except that it's none of them who awaits

It's a tall man, with long, pink, soft looking hair, a crown and a blood red cape, looking at them almost indifferent to their presence, though they can barely tell behind the half mask of a pig that covers his face

Chayanne is INMIDIATELY on the defensive side to protect his sister, more like a reflex than a conciously effort because weirdly enough, the presence feels familiar, almost nostalgic but he doesn't want to give in, that's until after a few seconds they hear the man chuckle "Really, old man?"

They share a confused, yet defensive look to each other "Bruh, i'd figure you told them how i look, but no, old man's memory even forgets that"

"Who are you?"Finally spits Lullah, and her brother can't tell wether she's scared or not. The pig guy shakes his head before kneeling just enough to be at their same height, they take a step back and he softeness his eyes. "I'm just someone who took on this kingdom, you know, after abolishing all goverment of man"

That... Sounds awfully familiar, an old story dad told them before to bed when they were younger, a person who they know even if they never met, Lullah speaks before her brother can think, her voice is little, insecure, afraid to be wrong. "Uncle ...Techno?"

He stares at them for a second, but his face doesn't give any signal of what for away. "I guess i'll take that, yes, i'm Technob-

And before he finishes, two little arms are trapping him thightly, the little boy who hadn't utter a word until then just had put together all the stories he so loved to be told, conquering over the world, destroying a country, farming more potatoes than people on earth, those stories about his dad's friend, someone everyone was afraid of but admired just as much, his older brother who he had never met, his hero.

"HUH?" It took Techno by surprise, and he had barely has time to react by the time another pair of arms were holding onto him for dear existence, this, this hadn't been what he expected, but it was a calculated risk, but he had thought Phil's kids to be more careful with strangers.

|||

Just a silly little idea, its bittersweet i think, i'm not that updated on Phil's lore, but i hope this makes sense

#qsmp #qsmp philza #philza #philza minecraft #qsmp chayanne #chayanne the egg #qsmp talullah #i just realized i tend to write her name wrong darn kt #talullah the egg #i miss techno so much #i miss technoblade #technoblade #short fic i guess? #headcanon #probably?

[yuri-is-online]

Hello, Yuri! Now that I’m personally out of finals hell, I’ve got something to ponder over. I want to double back to the idea of Yuu having their own variants of the twst boys.

“As for Yuu avoiding them... I could see that. It would feel weird seeing someone you love so much only for it not to be them at all.” This. This right here is where it’s at. The torture of a stranger wearing your beloved’s face. The guilt of having to look this person in the eye knowing that your boy is probably worried sick waiting for you to come home. To always have a part of you expecting that fond gaze whenever your eyes meet, only to be disappointed by the realization that it isn’t him. Maybe even to have a nickname always on the tip of your tongue, waiting for one slip up to come out.

How long would it take for Yuu to crumble and (against their better judgement) seek out comfort in the arms of that imposter? An imitation of the comfort Yuu found in their boy. And this isn’t even considering the fun that could be had with the twst boy finding out that a version of him exists in Yuu’s world.

-🦐

context

AHHHHHHHH

That genuinely depends on the Yuu I should think, it also raises the question of whether or not Twisted Wonderland has a version of Yuu or if they're unique to their world. I could see Yuu trying desperately to figure out where the other Yuu is, maybe because they want to pass the buck on all the overblots or because they think it's unfair that this stranger with their friend's face is showing interest in them that's meant for the other version of themselves. Or maybe Yuu got the proper isekai treatment and truck-kun really did kill them, so this imitation is the closest they'll get to being with their guy again.

I've been thinking about Yuu's World! Vil a lot recently with the jp Chapter 7 updates. Vil says he's more relaxed when he's alone with his friends, that he's much more touchy and we know how supportive he can be of other people wanting to be their best selves. I picture him being overworked but still somehow smiling, the closest Yuu gets to seeing that same smile is after he overblots and still performs for the VDC, but they can't say they're happy to see it. They want their Vil back, their Vil whose look they tried to mimic when getting ready that morning pretending that he was the one who did it. That they still remember what it was like to be touched by him, loved by him, seen as human by him and not whatever this Vil sees them as. This Vil was very caught up in focusing on the VDC, so much so he ignored almost everything around him but he noticed how... in tune, with his inner thoughts and self Yuu seemed to be. It was like they knew him, not the super model, or the actor, but that inner truth he's so afraid of in himself. He wants to hear them say he's beautiful more than anything in the world, he feels like they would truly mean it so he's beyond frustrated that something is holding them back. Before the VDC he just assumes he isn't beautiful enough. After words he just assumes it's because he doesn't know them that well, who knows how he would handle the truth.

I like the idea of Halloween, or maybe something like an eclipse or a solstice making the veil between worlds thinner, and allowing someone from Yuu's world to briefly visit Twisted Wonderland in the form of a sort of ghost. Given how selfish the guys are I don't think they'd take kindly to someone trying to take Yuu away from them, even if it's a different version of themselves. For some (azul) I think that might actually make it worse...

#<3 asks #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #vil schoenheit x reader #shrimp anon

[foxglovepng]

Random Headcannons 3 🌼🥀

Requested: naw

Characters: Scarabia + Pomefiore

A/N: I'm getting back into the writing mood yay I'll probably take requests in the future because I am slowly getting over writer's block. I looked up a word in Arabic and if the word is incorrectly translated incorrectly feel free to correct me.

If you liked reblogs and likes are appreciative <3

Kalim

Knock knock who's there? Autism br br br where the hoes at? not here

I love my Autistic headcanon for Kalim. I also saw a headcanon he has ADHD too. (I forgot the word for ADHD and Autism combined help)

When he's unmedicated Jamil is that one meme of Shinji his stress levels are high. He's practically lived with Kalim so he knows he can get hyper although he pushes through it being used to it.

I headcanon Kalim has sensory issues that mainly have to do with touch. (Mine are sound and taste :skull:)

Since he likes parties and is extremely sociable I feel like sometimes he can get overwhelmed he chills in his sensory swing. I also feel like since he plays the drums he does have backup headphones on hand in case it's too loud.

Jamil tends to calm him down with essential oils (Don't ask me what kind he likes I only know Rosemary, and Cherry blossom)

Jamil

Jamil drop the hair routine or I'll break your ankles Sangwoo style so you can't dance anymore. I will even report your music-listening account so you are no longer allowed to play hip hop DROP THE ROUTINE RN JAMIL

This is my no 2 pookie bear I love him sm ANYWAYS

I feel like in his alone time Jamil has his own hobbies he hides from Kalim and will go above and beyond just to have them to himself. One of those I feel like is reading romance books (Not the feral ones booktok gooners read) romance is one of the genres he reads I feel like he also reads fantasy. (He has read Pride and Prejudice)

He'd probably also go to art conventions on his spare time. He has a sketchbook and draws on occasion (I think he draws similar to Hyunjin's style)

Him and Kalim speak Arabic and English although I feel like when Jamil wants to cuss someone out or insult someone he will bring the Arabic out.

*Ace messes up a play*

Ace: so um great play

Jamil: اهبل (Google says this means stupid/idiot)

Ace: HUH?

Vil

*Throws my genderqueer headcannon at you Eminem style*

Gender queer Icon Vil.

If I am correct he is referred to as Queen by Rook?? so I believe Vil doesn't really care for pronouns and just simply exists. So Vil would use any pronouns interchangeably.

Also random headcannon but Vil's father is like..famous right? So I feel like he gets insulted and called a Nepo baby.

Peep Epel and Vil get into a fight and Epel calls him a Nepo baby. Oh all hell is breaking loose.

(I also headcannon he'd make an appearance in Eurovision)

Rook

I need Frenchie to become a slur so I can shout FRENCHIE at Rook 24/7

This man either has a really good memory or a diary in which he keeps info of students. (Their height, weight, UM, etc) its freaky ngl. AND NOT A GOOD FREAKY WAY.

I saw some art of him and Floyd in the bathroom and he was peeking over the urinal. BRO KEEP YA EYES ON YA JUNK.

I can imagine certain NRC students have a group chat dedicated to slandering Rook.

He probably knows about it :Skull:

Epel

Guys this my son <3

I am a firm believer he is an Amish hater.

"I hate the way you talk the way you walk" ahh beat.

From a farmer's perspective I don't think he's 100% vegan, but if you bribe him with bbq he will start foaming at the mouth.

Bro probably listens to Dixon Dallas good looking-

He's also a Dolly Parton and Carrie Underwood fan.

I feel like with people he's close with especially the first years he lets his country accent loose and it will get even looser if someone (or Yuu) has a country accent as well. The rest of the first years will be like "They are speaking in tongues"

#twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #disney twst #twst wonderland #twst #foxglovepng #scarbia #pomefiore #jamil viper #jamil twst #twst jamil #kalim al asim #kalim asim #twst kalim #kalim twst #vil schoenheit #twst vil #twst rook #twst epel #epel felmier #epel twst #rook twst #rook hunt

[triplemystery]

loved the ocean - s.geto

summary; you try to figure out why suguru loves the ocean as much as he does

triggers; suicidal ideations

tags/warnings; slightly ooc, gender-neutral reader, suguru geto x reader

inspired by; Loved the ocean by Emilia Ali

word count; 1031

Suguru loved the ocean in the 'I only like to look at it way' you assumed, because, for someone who said he loved it so much, he never acted like it when you two would visit the beach.

"I'll just stay here on the shore" are the exact words he'd send you off into the water with every time you would drag him to the beach whenever the two of you had any free time.  He would watch you swim in the waves whilst he collected shells and rocks to show you on your way back to the dorms, from an outsider's perspective it would seem like he had no interest in being there at all.

It wasn't until you were far away, miles away, that he would start on his rants about how much he loved the ocean. He would talk about the ocean like the water was a real person. Like he needed his love for the ocean to sustain his love for himself. 

"The ocean is life" he had told you once just as you were about to doze off on his chest, his confession vibrated through your head and ended up nowhere. He stroked your head like it would push the words to make sense but you couldn’t understand. How can you love something you aren't even willing to touch?

Maybe he loved all the life that the ocean held, you sat on a harbor while watching Suguru and Gojo harassing some poor bird. It could be that he thought something as simple as dipping his toes in would disrupt its beauty. Like his mere presence would haunt the life it held. You really didn’t think he could haunt anyone though, your Suguru, he was too beautiful to. All the creatures in the ocean would probably turn in envy if they got a glimpse of his beauty.

You now lay on the warm sand whilst Suguru and Gojo went off to look for some shells to add to their collections, seemed they had gotten tired of chasing around animals they could never catch. It could be that he loved the power the ocean held. All the life that lay inside was protected by it, for what’s a protector without power? Maybe he never went inside because he knew he wasn't as strong as it, maybe he just never wanted to feel weak.

You smiled to them as they ran up to you, showing off the shells and rocks you picked up. Both of them competed with each other to see who could spout out a fact that would impress you the most. Gojo conked out after a while of walking, but you and Suguru stayed on the beach walking hand in hand along the shore.

Suguru had started drinking water a lot more you had noticed. It could be the summer heat getting to him, wearing him down, and making him seek out the liquid to keep himself going. Everyone needs water to live, even seemingly untouchable sorcerers like Gojo and Suguru. Maybe Suguru likes the ocean because he doesn't know what to do without it. Why would you not love something you need to live?

Except Suguru hadn't really been doing much living these days. He had lost weight you had noticed, like he was forgetting to eat and simply drank his weight in water thinking it was enough. You were brushed off every time you brought it up with him though, you were unsure if he could even register the fact that he was changing. It had been a Thursday evening when he knocked on your door and practically dragged you down to the beach with him, this time you didn't swim. You sat curled up on the sand watching the near black waves crash on the sand and end up nowhere. There is so much empty space in the ocean, maybe he feels like it's the only thing that can understand him these days.

Not a word was exchanged between the two of you on the walk back. No rants about how much he loved the ocean, no mundane facts spouted out about something you probably had no idea existed. Maybe his love for the ocean had faded away, or maybe it was his love for you that was waning.

"Why do you love the ocean Suguru?" you mumbled into his hair that night, but he didn't answer so you could only assume that it was because the ocean had too many possibilities not to be loved. The ocean is far too large for anyone to truly wrap their head around, maybe Suguru was in love with things he couldn't fully understand.

So why the fuck did he love you?

You weren't much to love, you weren’t anything like the ocean. You weren’t the most powerful, you didn’t understand him, he didn’t need you. You watched him and Gojo sparring in the gym wondering why he didn’t just spend all his time loving him. What was the point of pretending that he loved you when he could turn his energy to Gojo? He was strong, he could understand him, he had his back on all their missions. What was one without the other? What was the ocean without the earth?

Maybe if you become like the one thing Suguru loves more than Gojo, you would finally be the strongest in something.

You stepped out onto the beach, alone this time. The tide was particularly high tonight, waves crashing too powerfully along the shore to reflect the light glowing from the moon. You supposed it would help conceal you, maybe there was no point in doing this if you wouldn’t even be seen. You were already too far gone to think rationally though.

You thought he loved you, but maybe it was only ever because you were swimming in the one thing he loved the most. You fell in love with a boy who was destined to break your heart, but it would always be the taste of saltwater on your tongue that would cling to the memories you would carry after death.

If it weren't for Suguru, you might've loved the ocean as well.

a/n: i'm kinda dissapointed in this because i had such big hopes and so many more ideas for it but i slumped so so hard midway writing it and just could not imagine myself finishing it :(( I hope it's still nice to read, maybe one day i'll be able to revisit it any do everything i wanted with it

#geto suguru #jjk suguru #suguru geto #getou suguru x reader #geto #geto x reader #gender neutral reader #new writers on tumblr #safe for work #sfw blog #fanfic #jujutsu kaisen #gn reader #x reader

[baejax-the-great]

Archive-locking the fics that YOU WROTE and are thus 100% yours to decide what to do with 'hurting people' is so silly tbh. Skill issue on their part. Wish those people could be normal about the amazing fics that writers like you put out & be understanding or at the very least respectful of the choices that writers make about how and where they make their fics available. Especially in light of recent ai training theft and nonsense & all that.

I hope this doesn't sour the fic writing & sharing experience for you too much. I love your writing & think you're very talented & skilled!

There seem to be dual attitudes I'm coming up against recently (and obviously these are not held by everyone, I don't even know that they are held by a majority, but they are certainly held by a plurality).

The first is that authors should be grateful that readers deign to read what they put out there. I think this stems from the "content creation" mentality and the idea that everyone who posts things wants as massive as an audience as possible (for monetization purposes which... isn't a thing in fanfic). I think this mindset also leads to readers demanding that people write specific tropes/pairings/whatever, or threatening basically to take their business elsewhere. "Nobody will read unless you do [X]." 1. Not true and 2. Okay, you weren't my audience.

(I also think authors circulating those posts about how badly they want comments/kudos feeds this mentality of readers doing authors a favor by even clicking on the fic. "Wow, if people are so desperate for attention, then mine must be worth an awful lot!")

Fanfic ain't a business, and I write for myself. Readers choosing to read my work isn't a privilege or an honor they are bestowing upon me (nor are comments for that matter), just as me posting my writing where they can see it isn't a privilege or an honor for them. We are both engaging in hobbies and a love of some media, and sometimes we will overlap and connect and sometimes we won't. Readers aren't reading out of altruism for attention-starved authors, and authors aren't writing out of altruism for content-hungry readers.

And there are those who will read these paragraphs above and think to themselves "wow, what an ungrateful author," and that's exactly the attitude I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong, it's delightful and rewarding to receive comments on fics and chat with people about Blorbo and the Situations. But it should be delightful from both sides of the exchange, or why the hell are we doing this? If I'm meant to be grateful for every commenter who jumps into my inbox, then every commenter in my inbox better be grateful for me, and I can tell you right now there is a population who is not. There is a population who sees me as a service provider for their entertainment, and whatever form I take in their brain, it is not shaped like a full person.

This attitude also leads to people thinking that things like lorefm are no big deal. Don't I want to get my work in front of more eyeballs (or ears)? Don't I want to broaden my audience? And once I put my work out there for readers to see, should I be shocked (or express any negative emotions at all) when someone plagiarizes/scrapes it for AI/demands updates rudely/reads it on a monetized youtube channel/binds it and sells it for profit?

The other idea I've been coming up against is almost the opposite of this--that because some readers form attachments to fic, deleting that fic (or even archive-locking it!) is actively harming those readers. Sure, they can't be bothered to hit the download button or get an AO3 account, but that's no reason not to think of these strangers first before doing what I want with my creative output.

Yall, life is ephemeral. There are things we will see and enjoy and never find again for one reason or another, and it's not harm being done to us, it's just the nature of existence. Having an emotional reaction to something does not give you any sort of ownership over that thing. Artists are allowed to change their minds about whether they want that art in the wild, particularly given that it's free. Maybe it's because I utilize the library a lot, but reading a book and then losing access to that book is not a crime against you, it's just a normal thing that happens. If you read something and it means that much to you, there are ways to avoid losing it (download it).

Seeing this particular attitude extend out to "not making your fic available for as many people to read as possible is harming them" is beyond bizarre. If I woke up tomorrow and deleted everything I have ever written, there would still be thousands upon thousands upon thousands of beautiful, emotional, meaningful fics out there for people to read. They would lack for nothing. Would some people be upset? Probably. Would I be hurting them? No, not really.

Sometimes people have negative emotions because of our actions, but that doesn't mean we did anything to them. This is one of those times.

Lastly, this AI and everything else bullshit really has taken a toll on my enthusiasm for posting my work. It's one thing for companies to try to pillage every thought, every word, every stroke of a pen or paintbrush to enrich themselves while actively making the planet an unbearable and inhospitable place to live, it's another when fellow fans are telling you that "Whelp that's just life, what did you expect, give us your content anyway or you're a bad person and if you complain, then I'll be taking my business elsewhere, you sensitive, entitled creative, lol."

#because here's the thing #it just stops being fun #and fun is the reason I (and hopefully all of us) started writing in the first place #if I wanted to cater to people whose tastes aren't mine #I would be trying to woo the taylor swift fans who control the publishing industry #and don't get me wrong the people on AO3 who interact with my stuff rule #Particularly patrochilles fans like that group of people has given me the best writing experience of anyone #and I don't want to let some idiotic exchanges ruin the joy I get from writing #but it feels like it's coming from all sides this year #I do think everyone would benefit if we all remembered that author-reader interactions are just two strangers attempting to communicate #sometimes good sometimes awkward sometimes wires get crossed sometimes cultures clash most often it's just small talk

[fuck-i-love-october]

I'm kind of tired.

Like really tired actually.

I don't know what my purpose on this earth is but I feel like a rock tossed into a docile pond. No matter how much of myself I cut off and saw down I don't quite feel like I'm fit for anyones puzzle board. I don't have anyone who wants to be there for me and in that way society scares me but I give so much into the well in which runs dry whenever I reach my poor, child hands down it to scoop up water. I think that any semblance of humanity has been lost for me and I've only now realized that I'm myself or nothing and nothing is so much harder to resist when I've only ever been myself. I realize how fucked I am when laughing dissipates to crying and now I'm the big dumb loud idiot who made someone telling me a joke uncomfortable when I burst into tears mid-giggle. Why am I the way that I am? Was I born this way? A curse I need not remember? Did my own mother hand me off to the doctor with the hatred only a mother could have? Did my dad see me run home off the bus, reaching my chubby little arms up toward him, eyes bright like he was the only person that mattered in the whole world and think that perhaps children can be evil? Did my sister laugh when I turned around, whispering to passerbys about the things I would never become? Lord, I want to say I was meant for something gentle but to yearn for something I've never had is to yearn for something that doesn't exist. Did the spider in the window lose his appetite when I spoke my sorrow to the moon? Why must it rain when I shine and shine when I rain? Why am I so glum? Why have I never been, seen, done, thought, or spoke one right thing since "I'm sorry"? Why is that all I have learned to say? Forever am I overbearing, and forever does it not work for me because my legacy was written on some loud and apparent womans used diner napkin. the remanent of a half-loving relationship stuck between the celery in her teeth as she spoke of forever and children and why don't you ever call me anymore? I've been so good. I've been so good and I only feel rotten. Why must I be the earthworm squashed by a middle-school boy desperately seeking a laugh from his foreboding group of friends? Even the meanest and ugliest of monsters get their happy endings even when the page is turned and away from an ambitious little girls eyes. So why not me? Am I so obsessive over the idea of being good that its made me evil? Am I wrong? Am I evil? Or am I 14 and terribly new to it all? Life I mean.

So yes, I am tired. Awfully tired. Disgustingly tired. Tired of giving and loving and laughing and talking and never getting. Never feeling. Never having. I am tired of everything being so messy and confusing and hurt. I am tired of the bad and the ugly. I am tired of sifting through broken glass to find a diamond I'm not sure exists. I'm tired of puzzling myself into a reality that hasn't wanted me since the moment I barred my off-white, crooked teeth to the sky, cautious. Cautious of nothing as I became the own hand that fed me. I fear this living thing turns good kids mean and soft girls stone. My stone can't hold anymore of the water the well of offering runs dry.

I'm tired of the not knowing, the always giving, the not having.

#i'm just a girl #i'm so tired #i'm sorry #i'm tired #marauders #peter pettigrew #i'm sad #james potter #regulus black #sirius black #remus lupin #the outsiders #marauders era #james fleamont potter #jegulus