#it’s like my brain has so many ideas and I’m in a better place mentally with how I feel about my art that I can just puke it out

[nicodrawings]

Part of the teen AU I’m having fun with They’re waiting on Omar.

#my drawings #craig of the creek #cotc #cotc craig #cotc kelsey #cotc jp #artist on tumblr #fan art #art #au #illustration #this is super fun #it’s like my brain has so many ideas and I’m in a better place mentally with how I feel about my art that I can just puke it out #not overthinking #just doing #home depot

[tuliptic]

How To Overcome Your Fears

Thank you to @bichou-angel​ for suggesting this PAC idea. Know that I love it a lot.

Piles go from left to right, up to down. Memos and notes used here are by me, everything is literally by me. And I do not consent my work being used by third parties in other websites as well.

Now. Breathe in with me, and then breathe out. Picked your pile? Let’s scroll down to see what are the messages for you.

Disclaimer: This is solely for my entertainment purposes. Take only whatever you feel like it. If it doesn’t resonate, it’s okay to just drop it.

Decks used: Linestrider Tarot Deck, Luna Cat Tarot Deck (Major Arcana), Flower Petals Oracle Deck, Sweet Dreams Oracle Deck, Starcodes Astro Oracle Deck, self made lyrics deck.

Pile 1:

How to overcome your fears? By letting go of what no longer serves you and by embracing your inner child. See, you’re prolly the type of person who loves to take things up upon yourself because you don’t trust others, or you are not comfortable with letting others to do tasks that will affect you (something like group assignment isn’t your forte cuz you tend to do 90% of the scope). It’s not easy to let go, but you have to accept your own flaws as well as the flaws of others. After that, you’ll need to learn to reconstruct the thoughts in your head where flaws are failures. Cuz you see them as something that doesn’t align with you, but sometimes (or most of the time), others may see your method as authoritarian and whatever you do doesn’t align with them. Acceptance is difficult, but it’s necessary, and that’s one of your biggest challenges to overcome. Be here at the present with willing hands and heart.

You may have a lot of nurturing to do, starting with yourself. However, instead of the feminine energy of nurturing, there's more of a… Divine sense to it. Along with some judgement that you really couldn’t help. Lemme give an example. 

You came across this PAC. Though your heart tells you to believe it, your brain couldn’t help but to be critical and just tries to deny some random people on the internet telling you that these are your fears and how you can overcome them. Someone online who doesn’t know you personally? Telling you your fears? Overcoming it just by “embracing your inner child”? Hello?

Yeah this kind of divine sense and judgement is what I’m talking about. It is not easy to let go of what you’ve been taught, which is good. But sometimes, you’re called to listen to your heart, only then you’ll be able to obtain a different sense of mental clarity, something that will be able to help you in the near future.

That aside, going back to the nurturing part. You’re called to nurture your inner child and to try again the things you’ve used to enjoy. For example, if you’ve used to enjoy drawing and arts, try going back into it again. If you’ve used to playing a musical instrument or composing music, try going back into it again. If you’ve enjoyed doing algebra equations and all, try going back into it again. It never hurts to do things you’ve enjoyed. Reconnect with your inner child through fun and play, nurture them, help them, heal them. Your life has been filled with a lot of confrontations, so try soothing them a little with some fun.

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Pile 2:

Walking away from the past is what you need to do. There’s still so many fears in you because you’re still staying in the place that caused you the most hurt. You couldn’t control the things that have happened, so the better option towards it is to leave. But of course, to leave requires a lot of strength and courage, and it’s gonna be worse if you don't have proper financial assistance to leave. Either ways, you’ll find the courage and the opportunity to get out. There’s The Sun in this pile, but instead of seeing things will turn bright, I’m seeing it as a chance to get out. Toxic situations won’t turn nice cuz it’s already fermented and bad there for so freaking long. 

I’m also seeing fears of disappointing others in this pile? Which is why y’all tend to take up a lot of responsibilities and burn yourself out in the process. You have this innate uhh… Expression in you. It’s like deep inside you, you want to shine, you want the eyes of people to be on you. That’s why you took up a lot of tasks, even tasks that should be other people’s responsibility. You want to be liked. Thing is, you need to accept that your inner peace is more important than the visibility and fame you want to gain. Some people can have both, but are you one of them? If you’re not, you need to weigh which is more important, or you need to find a point of balance between these two. Sometimes, a quiet time for yourself, with yourself would be good for some introspection, where you welcome some comfort into your life, allow your guides to show up and send you any messages.

Treat yourself with care, give yourself the kindness that you'd want to receive. Letting go of self-criticism is your main task for now and know that your guides have been trying to send you so many powerful messages. Let yourself be free from your past. Know that your past doesn’t define you and you have a whole lot of abundance waiting for you in the future. It’s difficult to see it right now, it’s difficult to believe in it too. But know that it’s real. You’ve gone through so much, and it only makes sense when the Universe wants to reward you for all you’ve been through.

Take a deep breath, and let it all out. Do it a couple of times. Pat yourself on the shoulder for me. You’ve done well and you’ll continue to do your best of the day every single day. Expect a new you coming out bit by bit. Have some tea and welcome them.

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Pile 3:

To all who picked this pile, I feel you a lot, because this is the pile I’ve picked and if it sounds personal, it’s mainly because I prolly subconsciously wrote it for myself.

There’s a lack of balance here, lack of control in this pile. This pile fears not having things in their control and tends to flail around when things happen because. They are not used to going with the flow. There’s this saying in Chinese that goes 船到桥头自然直 , which means things will naturally resolve itself when it’s here. However, my dear pile 3 are probably over-thinkers who can’t accept things to flow on their own. With this, the fear will make you lose your foothold and you’ll feel a lot of disappointments and upsets and a bunch of other not so nice feelings. I wouldn’t call them negative feelings cuz they’re all here for a reason.

You’re also prolly the type who feels caught up in the past, thinking of what you’ve done or said and how you could have fixed the problem if you said a certain thing. Once again, this is peak overthinking energy. You’re called to let those thoughts go, as they’re holding only you back. They’re not disturbing others but you only. Let the past go as it is over, and let your true self, a more experienced you, to step forward. Life’s a constant learning process, so don’t hold yourself too hard, let yourself learn, allow yourself to learn. Once you’ve accepted the fact that we’re all learning, then maybe your fears can lessen a bit. Remember, tomorrow is always a day of new hope.

There’s a childhood card present and it can talk about reconnecting to your childhood, to your inner child. Your inner child is like a divine whisper in your heart and you’re called to listen to it. I saw the word mirror and I think there’s some mirroring of activities (your inner child is mirroring something you do, or you’re mimicking something your inner child is doing), or there may be some reflection going on. Your dreams may be significant as well so maybe pay certain attention to certain themes that have been going on.

You’re called to take action now. Whatever that you’ve been wanting to do, now is the best time. Remember that you’re the co-creator of your life and destiny. A bunch of messages may come, there may be a bunch of things to do. But ultimately, you’re the one who needs to select which message to listen to, which items you should act on. If something’s too much for you to handle and you’re starting to feel anxious, try asking help and working with someone else to get things done?

Once again, remember, you’re no longer the you from the past days. You’re a new you facing a new challenge. Be kind to yourself. You’re facing so many things and it’s alright to let yourself be swept away at times. Remember to get up at the end of things or whenever you wanna fight it. I have faith in you.

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Pile 4:

First of all, it’s time to evolve. Know that you may be an ugly duckling for now but it’s time for you to transform into the beautiful swan that you’re meant to be.

Next up. I’m not quite sure what the fears of this pile are, but I see that you tend to distract yourself with new projects so that instead of spending your time worrying about things, you can redirect the energy and focus on something new that you’ve wanted to do. You’re very conscious of your own fears and those who picked this pile have a clear and concise plan on how to manoeuvre around them, letting go of things that should be thrown aside. 

However, being aware of your fears doesn’t guarantee overcoming them. Sometimes you’re just moving away from it, ignoring it until one day it prolly gobbles you up. No fault in it cuz you’ll pick yourself up again and find ways to counter it during then. Still, have you thought of countering it when you’re feeling fine right now? Or you’re just confused and have no idea where to start? We’ll see what insights the cards have to offer you.

You’re called to stop taking up so many things and slowly let go of tasks that are burdening you, that are hurting you. There’s this Ten of Swords in reverse here, which tells me the pain they did is more damaging than wearing you down. You’ll need to utilise your thinking skills and let certain things and thoughts go. 

Another thing the cards are telling you is to make strong emotional connections with the important people in your life. It’s time for you to reconnect with your old friends and to maybe go for a cup of tea? Comfort of good company always helps in easing and healing past hurts that have been there. I have a feeling that these people are also here to help you to bring certain messages that you need to hear, bring forth certain changes so that you can transition into a new you.

There’s some strength in you that you need to unlock, so maybe it’s time for you to explore certain heritages of yours, and maybe you can get certain information or updates from there. You may even unlock a new skill from it, and it may even help you to be more at peace with yourself.

For some reason, reading also is significant. Pay attention to the words that appear around you and digest those messages. Maybe lyrics. Who knows, certain part of the lyrics may awaken something new in you, or allow you to cry out the tears that you’ve been holding in for so long that you never knew of. Letting them go only gives you space to focus on nicer things in life that can help you cope or deal with your fears.

Pile 4, your pile is one of the most difficult piles I’ve felt and I really hope all the best for you. I don’t know if my words are making sense right now cuz there’s clarity and confusion at the same time. Just drop me an ask or rb or comment if you have any questions and I’ll do my best to answer you.

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Thank you for reading until the end. Working on yourself, especially fears and past are not easy, and I’m proud of you that you’ve decided to work on yourself. Remember, it’s all baby steps.

#tuliptic #🌷 #pick a card #pick a pile #tarot #tarot reading #this is honestly what i'm most used to in doing #messages for self #introspection and healing kinda thing #which reminds me i should do a pac for self healing #or maybe i dont need to since there's bits and pieces here #FS readings will come back but not this year probably #i'm gonna be busy for the next few weeks hshshshshs #i should catch up with my games as well as cleaning my room #anyways hope y'all enjoy this PAC as well and show it the same support y'all have with my FS readings #once again #i'm doing this for my own entertainment

[swifty-fox]

okay so I’m not going to go into any details here but I just finished “what comes after” and oh. my. god. you captured the feelings of the person on the other end perfectly.

for me it wasn’t anyone as close as a husband, and I wasn’t there to see it, but they texted me one evening and I swear I just knew. and I knew they were in a pretty bad place, but I don’t think anyone had realized just how bad, and I have so many mixed feelings about all of it? And you somehow managed to write that and make it so tragic and so beautiful and. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. I guess I just wanted to say thank you? Thank you for treating the subject so delicately and so fairly and thank you for adding the part about Curt and how he’s there to help and I know it’s “just” fanfiction, but I need you to know how much of an impact it had on me.

so. yeah. thank you. and I’m sorry to spring this on you just like this (if it makes you uncomfortable I’m so sorry! please don’t feel like you have to respond!), I swear I’m not saying any of this to make you feel bad for me or anything. my friend is in a much better place and everything is okay. call this the incoherent ramblings of a person who should’ve gone to bed hours ago now. thank you. thank you thank you thank you thank you <3

theres three experiences in my life I pulled from for this fic

my little brother has been to a psych ward three times in my life, two in the last two years. The second time (March 2023) he called me the day before in great spirits and laughing about a childhood memory. Next day I receive a call that He's going to the hospital, drugs were involved but nobody knew anything more because he's an adult. We heard no news, couldn't contact him for Three Days. We had no idea what happened or how bad things were.

In the aftermath my baby sister and I had to drive into the city to pick his car up and bring it to my parents. She's a freshman in college and was too young to really remember my brothers first time in (I was twenty and she was twelve) and so I had to be the older sibling and tell her to rely on me. To brace herself that this probably would not be the end of the storyline with his mental health issues and she had to make peace with it and to protect herself how she could while still being there for him. I had to put my shit aside for my her and my mom and my dad. Had to be Gale.

At the same time I was fresh off a devastating breakup. I reached out that night to the ex because I thought we were still friends and got brushed off. While driving to get that damn car all i wanted was what my brain thought was my ride or die support system to be there helping me through this. All i wanted was a Curt and I didn't have one. So i gave Gale what i needed via Curt. Someone to pick up the pieces.

My grandmother passed away due to complications from colon cancer in 2020. She came down with an infection that ate away her intestines to nothing in the span of a weekend. I sat on the phone with her six states away as she lay dying on her bathroom floor. My Grandma who was my best friend my namesake wordlessly crying in my ear from pain. And I just remember thinking nobody fucking gave me the instruction manual for this. I went to bed once the ambulance came, thinking she would be okay. And by the time I woke up she was gone. And I've worked my feelings of that out through a previous fic but I definitely reached back into that experience to remember that headspace

I've been on both ends. I almost ended my life several times last year and I'm really fuckin glad I didn't cause I am having so much fun with you guys

#suicide tw #death tw #not related to the suicide tag #swiftytalks #that is to say thank you anon it means the fucking WORLD my stuff resonates

[fostercare-expat]

Brought Fearless to kayaking class. It was great. Coaches said he was well behaved and attentive.

And I found out that one of the reasons that Fearless has been acting out is because his mom is losing her temper and slapping him. Of course he is kicking her if she is slapping him. She only told me the part where he kicked her. She failed to mention her own actions. I talked to her and she was honest. This is definitely something that we need to talk with his counsellor about. It doesn’t fit the definition of abuse in my book, but better that other people determine that.

After the great Kayaking experience, Fearless decided to self sabotage and deliberately defied me after I calmly gave him a chance to behave, I counted down from 5 slowly while he stared me dead in the face. So the consequence that I came up with in the moment was that he couldn’t go home with mom, and he had to stay the night at my place. (In retrospect I deeply regret this because it caused me 3 hour of drama after.) He wanted to go home with this mom, she wasn’t thrilled with my choice but she was supportive, he was upset, stated multiple times he wasn’t going home with me, I explained that when he chooses to misbehave, there are consequences. We all sat for while to let him cook off, he agreed to get on the subway, but when it was my stop, he didn’t want to get off, so his mom and I forced him to get off the train, we sat on the bench on the platform while he refused to talk, she eventually got on a train and left because she felt he would calm down when she wasn’t around. I spent ONE HOUR AND A HALF on that subway platform with him going through every tool in my parenting toolkit, he mostly just sobbed, and repeated the same phrase “I want to go home. Please let me go home.” I didn’t want to drag him. I tried deep breaths, I tried just a walk around the bench to get his body moving, I offered to skip around the bench, I got strangers involved to try to talk to him, I offered a phone call with his mom, I showed him her texts, I offered we could talk to the station master m, I gave him quiet space, I hugged him, I tried to get him to nap on the bench, I offered we go walk to get his favourite food, I eventually even did a frea.king cartwheel. I never lost my temper or even got frustrated once. He was basically stuck in this mindset of going home and couldn’t really entertain any other idea. He cycled through anger and sadness. But he really had no other rational thoughts. I eventually had to drag him by the arm and he sort of half shuffled along. We finally got downstairs and I called us a taxi because the 15 minute walk to my house would have been 3 hours at that rate. I had to physically pick him up off the ground outside my door and carry him in. He sat on the couch completely cationic, like a zombie, just repeating “I want to go home. I want to go home.” I offered him a shower, or to go to sleep but he was just somewhere else mentally. I got him some cold water, he just held it in his hand. I put it to his mouth and he took some sips and then said “Thank you” and he smiled. And it was like a switch had been flipped. He was laughing and joking within 30 seconds. He ate dinner and he was able to talk about what happened. He remembered all the things I tried to get him to do, but he just said he really wanted to go home and couldn’t do those those things. He did say that my cartwheel almost made him smile, so that showed he did actually have some brain function, like he wasn’t just mentally absent, and he said talking to the strangers was good. We made a video for his “Future Self” about what to do next time he get stuck in that defiant mindset. I’m going to share it with his counsellor. I think we need to work on three big things

1) Understanding bad behaviour leads to negative consequences. He ended up being MISERABLE for about 2 hours even though he had many opportunities to just listen to the authority figure and everything would get better. Dont misbehave the first time is the best strategy, but if he does mess up, then take the second chance being offered, don’t double down on the misery.

2) Awareness when he gets “stuck” and coming up with some ways to get unstuck. He needs to play an active role in controlling his own emotions. The fact that he said my cartwheel almost made him smile and that talking to the strangers calmed him down a bit makes me thing he does have some control in those moments, he’s not totally cationic. He needs to build on top of that.

3) Acceptance that just because he wants something, doesn’t mean he gets it. His mom has brought this up as well. He genuinely seems to think “Well, I want to go home so I will get to go home.” I tried to talk to him about other option, any ideas he had about other things to do, “but he kept just saying “But I want to go home”. He has a highly egotistic view of what he wants if more important than what the adult is telling him. This happened with the situation with the Principal last year too. She told him he couldn’t keep the beetle he captured as a pet and he damn well thought he should be allowed and he couldn’t see any other perspective.

I’m exhausted. Tomorrow I’ve got most of the day solo parenting ahead of me. I’m sending Fearless home as soon as he wakes up (as I promised him when he kept saying he wanted to go home) and the 3 kids go home at 3:30. I’ve got my mom coming over to take care of my girls and I’ve got a blissful 3 hours without kids to enjoy until I need to get to sleep, and then wake up on Monday and tackle 2 big deadlines that I must do. It’s all too much lately. I’m not my normal happy self. I’m really looking forward to January. Unfortunately it’s only October…

[edenaffinity]

Lance and Keith as Taylor Swift Songs 👸🏼

This idea has been floating around in my brain for FOREVER. So I decided to finally write it all out. Idk if it makes any sense at all, but here it...

First, the most obvious:

And I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try

Lance is mirrorball 🪩

mirrorball is about putting on a facade for the outside world, solely to please the people around you. But your facade is fragile and does you a disservice, as its only there to reflect the shine and brightest of others around you.

Lance feels as though he doesn't deserve to be apart of Voltron. He questions his place on team and wonders why he was chosen to defend the universe. He feels inadequate, he's insecure about his abilities, and he constantly compares himself to the rest of the team. He puts on a facade of comedy and confidence only to truly believe that he is less than. He sees himself as replaceable, instead of a integral part of the team.

Next…

And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad I have a lot of regrets about that

Keith is this is me trying 📝

I don’t care what anyone says, this was written for Keith!

They told me all of my cages were mental So I got wasted like all my potential

This boy had so many issues in school, socially speaking, but was literally TOP OF HIS CLASS! Shiro, Garrison professors, and Keith's classmates could all see that he was going places.

Was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere // Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here

But whatever was in store for Keith's future of ruined when Shiro went missing. the one person who'd ever really pushed him to be better AND believed that he could be better was gone. So he dropped out/got kicked out and whatever future he had as a pilot was gone.

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that

There is no doubt in my mind that when he left to join The Blade, HE DIDN’T THINK ANYONE WOULD MISS HIM! Same could probably be said about him leaving the Garrison, EVEN LEAVING EARTH! He didn't believe anyone would care he left, because he didn't believe anyone cared he was there to begin with.

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound It’s hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you

Keith missing Shiro when he goes missing? Keith lining for Lance? Either way, never met a character more "open wound" coded than Keith.

Next…

They see right through me Can you see right through me? I see right through me

Lance is The Archer 🏹 (duh)

Ah yes, a song all about being ready (or forced) to “go into battle” but hiding your insecurities behind confidence. And then you're worried that anyone will know you're secretly insecure?

That's Lance!

Lance is 100% ready to give up anything for the good of the team and the good of the universe. But he’s also incredibly insecure of his abilities and his place as a defender of the universe. The repetition of the “they see right through me” lines, as well as the “I see right through me” line, LITERALLY IS Lance speaking. Those are his words! Straight outta his brain!

Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?

Lance hides behind this vail of confidence only to truly believe the worst of himself. And he believes everyone else to also have this low opinion of him. So while he can behave as though he's a flirt and sincerely wanted by many, there is no part of him that really believes that.

Next…

And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home

Keith is my tears ricochet 💧

Keith can literally travel the universe, but he has no real home. No family. No safe space to return to once he's finished this travels. So he literally go anywhere he wants, but he can't go home.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And you're the hero flying around, saving face

"I didn't have it in myself to go with grace" sounds like he was angry and said something he shouldn't have. "The hero flying around, saving face" sounds like literally any other member of the team. It makes since that he would see them as heroes and not himself.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

Definitely a line about Shiro. I mean, COME ON! "When I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave"! Not in a physically, angrily fighting way, but in an encouraging way. In a way that only Shiro could cheer Keith on while he fights to hone his skills and make something of himself.

And finally…

I know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it

Lance is tolerate it 🕰️

Listen to this song once while thinking of Lance, I promise you'll get it.

I notice everything you do or don't do You're so much older and wiser

The song as a few lines about how much the speaker looks up to the subject. Lance admires a lot of the team and puts them on a higher pedestal than he puts himself.

I greet you with a battle hero's welcome I take your indiscretions all in good fun

Lmaooo sorry, these lines are about Keith. I don't make the rules, I just listen to the lyrics. Like, when he comes back from The Blade to rejoin the team? The "I don't have time for this, Lance!" scene. Yeah.

I made you my temple, my mural, my sky Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life Drawing hearts in the byline Always taking up too much space or time

"Always taking up too much space or time"! FUCK! That's so Lance, it hurts. You can't tell me that he doesn't always feel like he's taking up too much space. FUCK.

Anyways, that’s all my thoughts on that. Thank you for your time <3

Klance as Taylor Swift Songs 👸🏼

Lance's playlist 💙

Keith's playlist ❤️

#Spotify #voltron #keith kogane #takashi shirogane #voltron legendary defender #hunk garrett #lance mcclain #klance #vld #keith vld #i spent way too much time on this #idk if this even makes sense #if you dont agree with me thats fine #just pretend you never saw this post #a swiftie and a voltron fan? pick a struggle #sorry for typos idk what to do about those #also should i mention i've only ever posted twice on tumblr before? #idk what i'm doing

[ladytauria]

hey! 5, 11, 18, 23 from the ask game <333

mayaaa thank you <3

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing

very very surprised to have ended up writing for / enjoying writing for jason so much!! like, in hindsight it makes sense, as he’s the character i read for the most, but. yeah! did not expect that <3

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

i started posting fanfic at 12 & writing at 10, so. everything. but xD i think my ability to tell a coherent narrative has improved by leaps & bounds, even when i don’t have an idea of where i’m going when i start something. i also think i’ve gotten a better handle on description, which was an issue for me when i started, lol.

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

this is a surprisingly difficult question to answer bc i KNOW there are influences, many of them, but when i try to think of them i keep drawing blanks??? and then the ones i have thought of i keep going 👀 are you sure? is that right? did it influence you or do you just think about it all the time?

which like…

isn’t that what influencing is? but i digress, lmao.

anyway!!!

i know sarah j maas is a bit controversial BUT smth about reading her books made something click in my brain? & i feel like my writing voice actually solidified after

major envy for maggie stiefvater’s prose—reading the raven cycle made me nostalgic for a place i’d never been, which wasn’t something that had happened to me before xD anyway, genuinely love her writing

on the fanfic side

i think about “The Bird, The Fog, The Mist” by bacondoughnut constantly

“Reclaiming Innocence” by murtagh morzanson / cdelphiki is also always rotating in my head (i’ve read it 3 or 4 times) alongside the second (i think) fic in “In for a Penny”. both of them influence how i write younger jason

“The Penny Drops, The Penny Dreads” by batbirdies is the other fic i think of when i think of young jason/jason’s childhood.

the “i guess you were my first boy wonder” series by pissvinegarandacrowbar is jaydick & one of my favorite jason characterizations ever~

and then uh, i would not have fallen headfirst into jaytim / be a jaytim writer at all without “The Many Deaths of Jason Todd” by zoeleo! that catapulted me into loving jaytim <3 before that jaydick was my main ship (i still adore it~)

also every time i read your prose it inspires me to get more poetic with mine <3

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

hmm 🤔 i’m not really sure any of my life experiences are particularly obscure. ah, but! when i was younger i came across this little graphic—the only 12 1/2 writing rules you’ll ever need. (i actually used it as my desktop background for ages lol). anyway, number 10— Go for walks. Dance. Pull weeds. Do the dishes. Write about it. that one really stuck with me for some reason, & led to me paying more attention to my body/feelings, especially if i was bored or uncomfortable, bc it was something i could potentially use for writing!

that sort of mental check in also has done wonders for like. keeping an eye on my mental / physical health too lol.

[ get to know the writer ask meme ]

#there are other fics that could have made it onto that list lol #also for smut specifically #revelations & heartaches and anything by kieran-granola contribute greatly to how i write smut lol #reading kieran’s stuff was what inspired me to try my hand in the first place <3 #anyway~ #thank you for asking!!!! #asks and answers #waffleinator-inator

[cacophony-eg]

Apologies to my readers and mutuals for not being very active for the last couple of months.

Abridge Summary: Since summer I’ve been dealing with wildfire scares, soon fallowed by personal health struggles, so I haven’t been in the best mental/creative state…

Now that the rain has returned and my health is on the mend, I’m eager to get back into writing my fanfics and drawing fan art again. I’m going to try and get the next part to Moon Knight and Sun King done by the end of the weekend, though it will be shorter than I originally planned I really want to get something posted for my readers, as many of you have been so patient and supportive I really wanna give something back as thanks. =3

If you wish to know more, I’ll put a more detailed explanation under read more:

I’ve touched very briefly on here that I live in BC Canada and the wildfires that swallowed up most of the province during this last summer. (I’m not sure how many people are aware of how bad the fires were here, if interest I’m sure a google search or even a search on Tumblr will give a quick idea of what state of thing here were like.)

First I want to say that I’m lucky and very grateful, I didn’t loose my home during the fires unlike many other people… I know I just said I would go into more detail here but as I was trying to write about my experiences and stresses. It felt hallow compared to people who’ve lost their homes, or work place, or other important close to their heart thing, to the fires. So I’ll just say Rain has returned and the fires are gone now, and even though it doesn’t magically bring back what the fires took, the rain does feel like a welcomed relief.

In regards to my health for the last few months I’ve been struggling with long haul C-19 symptoms. (Sadly around the time I contracted C-19 it overlayed with the fires so the smoke didn’t do my capabilities to breathe any favours). It’s felt like a domino effect as my struggles with breathing, led to me having struggle with sleeping, the lack of sleep then caused my heighten anxieties to be extra sensitive. There were times my mind was in such a fog that I thought of something that trigger me into having an anxiety attack that triggered me to go into a coughing fit and when I was done with the coughing fit, I couldn’t even remember what I was thinking about before the coughing fit! I would like to say this only happened a few times, but sadly for almost two weeks that’s just the vicious cycle my brain and body was in.

But again I’m lucky and I’m grateful, as I have wonderful housemates that helped take care of me, and so glad that my main job has great remote options that allowed me to (somewhat) keep working and more importantly keep getting paid while I was sick. (Though in truth my work days were mostly me working for maybe an hour or two, before crashing and then trying to do more work for a couple more hours before crashing again/getting an aura migraine rendering me unable to work till it passed. Very slowly getting tasks done as I went.)

Basically for the last few months I’ve been struggling to function enough to do what I need to do to survive and had no energy to do much else, but I am getting better, slowly but surely. I’m going to do my best to keep working on my creative projects such as my fanfics and fan art, but it’s going to be slow going as I’ve fallen behind on a lot in my life that needs to be caught up on as well.

For now I just want to say thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope to make more for all of you to enjoy soon. ^-^

#mentions #wildfires #covid 19 #mentions wildfires #mentions covid 19 #long haul covid #personal stuff #probably delete later

[eggtholomew-isnt-emo]

as promised yesterday... my theory on transcranial electrical stimulation! (originally from my section on the rancord gen loss theory doc, feel free to check it out! i edited it a little bit just to make it better for tumblr)

"Basically, *friend* recognized the mask from their studies on Transcranial electrical stimulation. Me and *other friend* researched this a bit more, and found this article. From the National Library of medicine, this article includes studies, the effects tES has on brain cells, brain stimulation, all that good stuff. However, the main spectacle is this line right here. A quote in this article is, “It might therefore surprise some readers to know that studies directly measuring brain activity overwhelmingly support the idea that tES alters the spiking activity of neurons. In fact, studies in isolated brain slices, e.g., [9,10]; rodents, e.g., [11]; ferrets, e.g., [12]; and non-human primates [4,13–15] have largely converged on the specific finding that tES alters the timing, but not the rate, of single-neuron spiking activity at field strengths found in human brains [16,17].The effectiveness of tES is most evident in the application of tACS (Fig 1A). Neurons become entrained to the sinusoidal currents, shifting their spikes towards certain phases of the sinusoid’s waveform and away from others (Fig 1B). Control experiments have shown that this entrainment occurs independently of stimulation of peripheral nerves in the skin [14] or the retina [4], even though stimulating these structures sometimes produces similar effects.”(feel free to look through the diagrams. I didn’t but they might be interesting/helpful) Listen, I may not be a scientist, but I think this seems to suggest that tES can affect the human mind and its neurons. Since neurons affect the nerve impulses, this might be used to support the idea that Ranboo is either a meatpuppet (here in the ranboo gen loss chat, we live laugh love that word) or that he is being tortured. Neurons and its use in torture isn’t a foreign concept, it is actually very popular in torture devices. In the article, “The Future is here: Mind Control and torture in the Digital Era,” I found written by P Perez Salez, it states, “A neural implant is a device placed inside the body that interacts with neurons. In the early days these were electrodes implanted through the cortex, but over time they have evolved into microchips that require minimal surgery for implantation and do not require external power supplies. Neural implants have multiple applications in medicine, especially related to neurostimulation in motor and sensory disorders, but also epilepsy, and they are in early experimentation stage in depressive and obsessive-compulsive disorders (Costa e Silva & Steffen, 2017). This is a rapidly progressing research area in which biochips and implants are built in new and better materials that produce no tissue rejection, incorporating nanotechnologies to diminish the size and with more powerful software to control and interact with the neural system (Dabbour et al., 2021; Salari et al., 2022; Wan et al., 2021) while, again, there is no international regulation of its use (McGee & Maguire, 2007). The most important concern regarding the use of neuroimplants – not in the near future, for now - is represented by the possibility of controlling an individual’s mental functions via wireless waves interacting with the electric activity of the brain. From the perspective of torture, it has been claimed that they could be used in the future to manipulate memory and emotions and to induce hallucinations and psychotic-like symptoms, among many other harmful effects (J. Illes & Hevia, 2021; Krishnan, 2016; Leung et al., 2019).” This shows that nerves can be used in serious torture and mind control scenarios, especially in these current times. (however, I do still believe that this ARG is set in the 80s or 90s, so I’m not sure how that’ll work in that time.) EDIT AS OF MAY 28TH: We now know that it has to be closer to current days, since Ethan lost his job in the 2008 stock crash. Now, if we carry this back to tES, this can be tied together to show that, with the neurons being simulated and waves interacting with the electrical activity in the brain, someone can be tortured and/or mind controlled. "

#generation loss #genloss theory #genloss #eggtholomew rambles

[edge-oftheworld]

“yknow as a fandom I think we could do a better job of appreciating Sierra Deaton”

No just have less appreciating Sierra cause she’s been anti-black, a creep towards fans, invalidated a 5sos fan’s mental health because they’re a fan, trauma dumped on young fans and overshared, slut shamed Ashton, and so on and so forth

hey anon!! Thanks for this concise little list. But seriously, thanks for making me think and pull together a bunch of ideas in my head; I hope in this essay really you can see some of my thought process. I can’t imagine how hard it’d be to be reaching out with something really hard and expect compassion and get a negative interaction instead—if that was you or whoever it is I hope they’re doing better and finding community and people who care. And I don’t want to pretend she’s perfect or has done everything right, we know that’s not how it is, Sierra knows that, Luke knows that, so does, idk, God.

and I’ll admit I’m a bit old fashioned when it comes to cancelling people and I do like to try and see the good in people where possible—sometimes imo it’s the only way to get any positive change. to look beyond the superficial where someone might lash out—is it in malice, or fear, a momentary impulse they might regret later or maybe realise for some reason were pushed to a point where they couldn’t manage anything better. I know I’ve been to that point and I know how I spiral if I don’t know how to forgive myself. I also know this is a fandom where shit gets real and we’re young and hurting and sometimes that just makes us defenceless against our idols and those around them being human, and the shitty side of human we all have potential to become too. And we live in an era of systemic racism and lack of access to mental health services which both causes and exacerbates so many issues that, was the world not so anti-black; had every mentally ill child and youth a support network in real life (instead of the way many of us often spend years only ever feeling seen by the songs we listen to, 5sos songs easily filling in that need)—we might be a little more able to be like ‘wtf that’s not cool but that’s a her problem’ and move on. and can I say we do deserve a world that doesn’t discriminate. And in order to get what we deserve we have to make it. and in order to make it we have to learn how to do better and let people learn to do better—these people aren’t going anywhere. somehow bad people have to turn into good people and yes in order to do that they have to be made accountable. Repentance is truly a beautiful thing; it’s also something that can’t happen when we feel scared and in our survival brain. When we feel like that we tend to easily get into us vs them and dig deeper into our (often wrong) convictions and that’s actually an evolutionary response to when we have to fight against predators; we don’t have time to think ‘but what if they’re actually in the right’ when we’re fighting for our lives.

and this isn’t the place to psychoanalyse Sierra. I don’t know exactly what goes on in her head, I don’t know if she’s sorry or even remembers these things but I do know the rift between her and fans has been quite heated and even scary at some points over the years. And maybe I have the privilege of never being someone who has been hurt by her to have grace for the fact that ‘gotta be nice to this fan they’re having an experience of a lifetime to be interacting with my partner and I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt that they’re not one of the individuals in a sea of fans who all look identical to me sending me death threats’ is a hell of a lot to put your brain through every single day. If she (and it’s not if, we know she did) make mistakes. If there was too much trauma to hold and she put it out on the internet to cope in a season of her life. If the insecurity became jealousy of one of the most important people in her s/o’s life which became insults that were thrown around back in high school before everyone realised how uncool they were and tried to stop using them but they were still burned in their brains to come out on impulse (I actually have no idea how that specific event went down, or if there were one or multiple). I hope they sorted that out internally; I don’t know what else I can do but trust that it’s something they’re capable of doing and care for each other enough as a group of friends and songwriters to do.

I wanted to save the lateral racism example for last because I feel like everything above is kind of a metaphor for it, if you follow. I’m coming from a place where I’m southeast asian and part white living in a largely western country, so is Sierra, so I’m automatically going to see her as ‘like me’ (and can I say how rarely I get this kind of representation?) whereas if you’re black, or if you find your experience more relatable to blackness, then you’re going to experience this very differently. I can’t know your experience. I also know that asians can be brutal in this area: it’s the reason my childhood best friend hasn’t told her dad she got engaged to her partner nearly a year ago. Lateral racism isn’t okay. But unfortunately what happens is often when you’re discriminated against in some ways we’re conditioned to take the side of the oppressor against someone who’s discriminated against in other ways. It’s all ‘okay maybe I’m x and I should be y but at least I’m not z’ and again it’s that evolutionary survival instinct to not be at the bottom of the pile; channeled in horrible ways into today’s society. It takes a lot of effort and self awareness to be like ‘we’re united in this experience of being oppressed, together we have the power to make a stand that this is Not Cool’ and most of us fail the first few times. but what’s important is we keep trying. we can all heal together when we do.

so anon I have no idea who you are or your background or how much you’ve had to wrestle with this yourself, if you’ve had to stand up against communities who were hostile, if you’ve had to do this while being discriminated against from outside as well, if you know the experience of not fully being one race but not fully being another etc. and also you’ve got no obligation to like Sierra, this is such unsolicited advice but this whole release period for boy ep I’ve really just been thinking ‘it’s healthy to feel our feelings even when it’s not always pleasant isn’t it’ and wherever that hurt is please love it embrace it bring it into the light whatever you do to realise you’re valuable and you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. even your mistakes and where you’ve hurt people and regret that, you’re gonna grow so much from that and have so many chances to do better. maybe you’re young and you haven’t had the chance to hurt anyone yet. I hope you manage to stay that way but if you do, I hope you can forgive yourself too. I hope you dip your toes in activism for Black Lives Matter, for mental health, for sex positivity, I can see you really value these things and that’s really encouraging to see.

and in the end: sometimes I have to be annoyingly human and come down to the fact that I really enjoy the songs that Sierra writes. I’ve fanned enough about gothic summer on this blog already. I enjoy the things she writes and so I listen to them, and I’m not actively boycotting Sierra specifically, I love the creative outcomes when she works with 5sos as a whole, with Luke, with other artists I love as well. As a result I do care about her as a person, I always do, and hey, I respect her funny little routine donations and the undertones of her UNICEF donation back in October and the random animal sanctuary and the occasional nod to some Australian mental health charity.

I’ve inferred a lot about how much more relaxed and at ease and free to feel things and process life at his own pace Luke seems to be with her than beforehand—and the fan in me who’s so protective of these guys just desperately wants someone to be there for them in ways that really matter and I feel like we have seen that, even despite the often rocky nature of the relationship between Sierra and Luke’s fans. Luke is someone I relate to a lot, and there are some experiences that are really hard to come back from, and I’m really proud of him right now and I do get the impression being with Sierra has really helped him get there. I don’t know for sure, I could be wrong, but I’m always going to be grateful when celebrities get to be human and not have their lives and choices dictated by fans either directly or indirectly. I’ll take the allies I can in my activism and even if there are criticisms around sincerity I do generally see Sierra trying and I want to appreciate that. I don’t want to say she hasn’t hurt anyone ever and I pray for resolution and peace for the fans, for Ashton, for her, for the Black community in general, for everyone who’s been hurt in the wake of colonialism and the generational trauma it breeds. And then I’ll go listen to bloodline and think, maybe in some ways we were born inheriting the sins of our parents before we knew better. But every day I discover ways of choosing better and compassion takes us so far and I hope every day I learn a bit more about how to channel that.

thank you for the ask, it really got me thinking and the opportunity to compile some thoughts I’d had that I didn’t realise formed a neat little mindmap around Sierra as a case study!! Much more fun than regular sociology. And I didn’t even get to delve into the political history of Saigon that I’ve been trying to understand more about!!

#decolonisation ariel strikes again #doesn’t capture global racism and the impacts of power structures perfectly I know but it’s my best #and I feel like it needed to be said so. there’s so much art to creating a better world honestly #I hope the activist in you finds this essay satisfying #sierra deaton #luke hemmings #5sos #5 seconds of summer #ashton irwin #calum hood #michael clifford #sorry if the first paragraph comes across a bit bitchy I genuinely had no idea where to start #I think I get nicer as it goes on but hopefully it wasn’t bitchy to begin with but like. if it was that’s on me #should I have an asks tag?? I don’t think I get many on this blog #anyway don’t mind my sorting tags I use for my main idk if it even works to bring them here #silver bridges #decolonise #decolonisation #<-should check which one it is lol; if you saw this from the tag expecting a decolonisation post I hope this wasn’t too weird

[merakiui]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!@!!@%*&@!$%#^#%@^!!!!

M

E

R

A

!!!

How do you keep getting into my head and coming out with the most perfect ideas that hit all my mental happy places?? I don't even like Genshin Impact but your alien Scaramouche has got me nearly foaming at the mouth with need orz You just keep proving over and over to be my favorite person on Tumblr!!!

I'm glad to hear you're doing better and here's to 2023 being a better year for you in general! 🎉🎉🎉

AAAAA THANK YOU THANK YOUUUU OMG!!! I’m so happy you can enjoy alien Scaramouche au!!! I want to write a lot with our dearly beloved alien mouche because it’s so fun and also hits many happy spots within my brain!!ヽ(´▽｀)/

I’m glad to be doing better! Truthfully, Scaramouche’s banner was what kept me going during the troubling times, so it was a very exciting moment to welcome him home. Thank you so much for your kind words!! Let’s make 2023 a wonderful year with many happy memories and great things!! ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ

#sweet messages #and i’m so honored and flattered that you consider me your favorite person on tumblr!!! #aaaaa that’s really so nice of you to say T-T <3

[wild-at-mind]

cn mental health talk, queer community discourse

I don’t have depressive episodes in the sense that some people describe them- they seem to be heavily associated with loss of the ability to take care of yourself physically in today’s discourse about mental health. E.g. not being able to get out of bed, wash and eat. I have experienced that before in my life but the most common kind of depressive episodes I get are periods of extensive self loathing connected to online politics and how I fit into them. During these times my emotions become uncontrollable and very painful to have. I often have conversations with loved ones during these times that could be considered ‘begging for value’. Or maybe begging to be seen as a worthwhile person. I feel like leftist, queer, radical circles filter through my mind in this endless, sick swirl, where you must form your individual identity into the most impressive and perfect it can be. Sometimes it seems like the most radical thing is to not participate in society and to be outside of it (maybe in a trans separatist commune of some kind). Sometimes it seems like the pain and suffering someone has gone through is the most important, with the suffering of oppressed groups almost fetishised in a rather religious way, while those who are in privileged groups must reveal their traumatic experiences to show their experiences of suffering. Sometimes it seems like the most radical is to pick a section of the LGBTQ community to turn on and be cruel to, sometimes ignoring the historical context of sections of that community’s history (sections of the community with longer and more documented historys are at a disadvantage here). Sometimes it seems like your personal sex life is the site of radicalness- whether the sex you have is kinky enough to upset normative society with your queerness, whether you have enough partners (increasing your personal value with more partners= a v radical idea), and the amount you feel comfortable sharing about it will be seen as reflective on your stance on purity politics. In case you can’t tell, absolutely none of that is real. This is just what is going through my mind in a constant loop when I’m having an episode. These episodes can be waited out, and they all end in time, but during them every minute feels like agony. Sometimes I want to crawl out of my skin. But the truth is, it may not be real what my brain does with the input I get, but also these ideas are being hinted at and gestured at often on online radical queer leftist spaces. Sometimes as responses to something else, sometimes just as an idea someone had. Many people are unbothered by any of this, but some are affected. I have seen it said that in today’s world of the internet being the supposed front line of activism (it isn’t, but it can seem like that a lot), people are fighting really hard to be accepted in online communities that may be extremely judgemental and have very harsh social penalties for even slight disagreement. These places aren’t a substitute for close connection with real people who you know, care about and befriend. (IRL is my preference but you can meet people you know like this online too, in a more individual connection.) Becoming a member of a small, local LGBTQ community meetup group in my town has been so good for me, and has changed my life for the better. They accept me, and that’s not something I’ve felt very often (longterm social difficulties going back to childhood, yaay). But just a few minutes in the wrong place online, I start mentally stressing out about whether these people who I care about are radical and disruptive enough to the ‘system’ or whatever, and my carefully built up mental resources fall down and then I’m spiralling. tldr I guess: maybe radical leftist queer people should focus less time on carefully policing each other’s radicalness, both inherent and expressed. It’s cruel and it does hurt people

#lgbtq community #queer community #mental health #depression #depression daze #my brain feels like a swamp right now #it's only fair to say that some of this particular crash started because of a work thing #so now i'm doing a form of mental self harm by looking at tumblr and other things that will trigger more spiralling #i only write here to get my feelings out but i'm contemplating moving to wordpress #tumblr is so damaging to my mental health even though there are some great people on here and good artists #i know the age of people reading other people's personal blogs has passed but maybe i'd reach just a couple of people in a good way #after self expression that's all i want out of a blog #part of it is wanting to be 'seen' by someone who gets it.

[alotofteez]

Sphallolalia | Part 7

Series: ⇢ Pairing: San x fem!Reader ⇢ Genre: flirty af fluff, hints of angst, suggestive, kinda smutty, older reader (noona) ⇢ Synopsis: As your best friend’s maid of honor, you must endure the shameless best man’s flirting until after the wedding. It's just sphallolalia... right?

Part 7: Middle of the Night - Moodboard ⇢ Genre: fluff, angst, & suggestive ⇢ Warnings: language, mentions of sexual assault (involves one-time-appearance character) ⇢ Word Count: 6,561

a/n: I split part 7 back into two parts. If there should be any other warnings, let me know!

Masterlist, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

taglist: @joongiebug (url doesn’t exist), @simluvbot​, @kimtae-bae (not taggable?), @justsayk​, @sunsethw4​, @baguette-atiny​

Perfectionism is not something you ever really associated with bouquet making… until today. You have not actually tried to make a bouquet before, and honestly, it is kind of stressful, especially with Mina hovering over your shoulder watching every little thing you do. After adding a few things to a bouquet, she will take it from you and tweak it a bit. There are barely any apparent differences when she does this. It only makes you more paranoid about what you are doing.

But what pisses you off the most is that after making two bridesmaids’ bouquets, Mina decides to make her own bouquet bigger and needs more of certain elements from the ones you already made. You have to remind yourself that all of this is for her day, and you have to respect that. Taking apart and spreading your masterpieces across her living room coffee table is painful. You have spent about 3 hours working on things, most of that time on those 2 bouquets.

“There aren’t enough flowers to do all of the bouquets and boutonnieres now,” you sigh when she thinks she has perfected her bouquet.

“We can go to the store sometime soon and get more. We need to get stuff for centerpieces anyway,” she says, slumping back against her couch, “I want to get those little strings of fairy lights and put them in clear vases with those iridescent glass rocks and flowers. I really need everyone to respond to the RSVP, so I can get an idea of how many tables we need.”

“You invited like a hundred people. With the tables at that hotel you’re looking at, eight can be seated at each. Until most people respond, just get enough for like fourteen tables. Some people might bring more than one plus-one.”

“But what if I don’t end up needing fourteen tables?”

“Take what you don’t need back to the craft store.”

“I can’t do that if I’ve already made stuff with those things.”

You peer over at your friend, whose head is leaned back on a couch cushion and eyes are closed. “Mina, use your brain. Don’t make decorations for all fourteen until you have a better idea of how many you need. Buy enough stuff for fourteen just in case. How do you have a degree?”

“I don’t need your sass. I’m stressed,” she groans and barely turns her head to look at you, “Speaking of plus-ones.”

“Don’t,” you warn and start cleaning up the mess from the bouquets to elude the conversation.

“Have you met anyone?”

“No, I’ve been busy.”

“My wedding will be here before you know it.”

“Why do I need a date? I don’t mind not having one,” you say, hands pausing on the table.

“I don’t want you to be alone during the reception. I want you to have a good time with someone because I’ll be busy making the rounds among family.”

“I’ll be busy making sure everything is going right, so a date would be by themselves anyway.”

“If we have it at that hotel, they have staff to help with most things. You need a date.”

“Mina… I don’t need a date.”

You crawl from your place on the floor onto her couch, mentally exhausted from making bouquets. Her meddling in your love life is the last thing you need right now.

“Have you been on any dating apps?” She asks, following suit onto the couch.

“You do realize I met Mark on one, right?”

“Mark isn’t the only guy who uses that app.”

“But most guys on dating apps are like Mark. You wouldn’t know. You’ve never used one.”

“I watched Kyungmi use one, and since I knew you were coming over, I watched a bunch of YouTube videos on how to set up a good profile.” She grins, pleased with herself.

“What the hell, Mina? I already deleted that app from my phone.”

“Then redownload it?”

“Are you not picking up on my reluctance?”

“Oh, no, I am. I’m choosing to ignore it because I want you to find someone to make you happy.”

“Being in a relationship isn’t the only way to be happy.”

“But it helps.”

You stare at her, unimpressed, and lie, “I don’t want a relationship right now.”

Because deep down, you’re interested in someone who will never be fully interested in you, but you can’t tell Mina that. Alas, you give in to her wish and hand over your phone when the app finishes downloading. She quickly dissects your previously made profile.

“You need different pictures,” she says as she swipes through them.

“I don’t have any recent pictures.”

“Why not?”

Your photos app is pulled up, and she starts going through all your old photos. The selection is minimal as you only take ugly selfies to annoy her with and random screenshots of things from online.

“I don’t know. I just don’t take serious selfies.”

“You can take one right now.”

“Do you not see how bad I look right now?”

“I can do your hair and makeup.”

“I don’t have time to do all that,” you remind her that you have things to do tonight.

“Then we’ll use this old one,” she suggests, stopping on a decent selfie of yours.

“That’s from like five years ago.”

“But it’s a good picture.”

“I don’t even look like that anymore. That’s basically catfishing,” you complain.

“It’s not catfishing if it’s actually you.”

“Still doesn’t feel right, but whatever.”

She smiles to herself while adding different pictures and changing your bio. One thing she does before swiping through profiles is block Mark, who was found in your old conversations. It is redundant, but it sets the tone for the time being. No fuck boys will be tolerated, who, to you, seem unavoidable. This leads to inevitable arguments over potential suitors for the next hour as she swipes and converses with other users. It could have gone on even longer if you hadn’t mentioned you needed to leave soon to go grocery shopping.

Looking over all the new conversations in your account, Mina tells you, “Check your account when you get home and tell me if anyone messages you.”

“Any decent guy my age isn’t going to be on a dating app,” you grumble as she hands over your phone.

“Are you not a decent woman on a dating app?”

“At this point, it’s not me on the app.”

“Hey! I’m trying to help you out!”

“Help I didn’t ask for.”

“Do you want to die alone?” She jokingly asks, but it stings a bit.

“I want to meet someone normally!”

“Dating apps are the new normal!”

“I don’t think they’re for me. No one I’ve met on there has ever worked out.”

“Just try it one more time. You never know. You could match with ‘the one’ tonight.”

You sigh and stand from her couch, “I better go before I lose motivation to get groceries.”

“Have fun,” Mina teases as she walks you to her door, “Send me screenshots of messages and I’ll tell you how to reply!”

“I might just delete the app when I get to my car then!” You shout before entering the stairwell and listen to Mina’s incoherent rant as the door shuts behind you.

Although Mina thinks the dating app will spawn a new and amazing relationship for you, you know it won’t do much besides get you sexually charged pickup lines that you have received multiple times before. And you are mostly correct as you read the previews of messages from your app’s notifications. Some make you uncomfortable while you shop around, tossing random food items into your basket that you probably won’t make anything with. 

You make sure to throw it in Mina’s face by sending screenshots. It makes you laugh that she’s actually surprised and disappointed that barely any of them are looking for serious relationships.

Once you are home and have put away all your groceries, you settle on a ‘healthy’ frozen dinner. The meal is kind of small and sad compared to the image on the packaging. Nonetheless, you remind yourself you have a dress to look good in. Eating healthier is a change you should probably make anyway. It’ll be worth it, right?

But the sad frozen dinner is bland, and the middle of each portion is still cold. You don’t feel like reheating each thing because you are beaten down from the long day. Maybe next time you should just get stuff to make salads. It is a bit more effort, but at least you could eat more. Could you survive on only salads until the wedding, though?

As you toss the bowl in the trash, your phone goes off on your coffee table. Mina’s name shines on your screen. Hopefully, she’s not about to bug you more about that dating app.

“Hey, I forgot to ask earlier. Do you remember that hairstylist who did your hair for your school dance?” She asks as soon as you answer.

“Vaguely, yeah.”

“You don’t happen to still have her contact information, do you?”

You think for a minute, chewing on your bottom lip, and then you recall something.

“I might have it in my phone from high school. I’ll have to dig around to find it.”

“Oh, my god. Please? I was so jealous of how she did your hair. I wanted to be older so bad so I could do it too.”

Oh, how the tables have turned.

“I’ll start looking and text you if I find it.”

“Okay, thank you so much. Bye!” She sings before the call ends.

Now, where the hell did you put the box of your high school memories? Somewhere deep in the recesses of your closet, it is there. Inside the box is your small phone from high school still in its brightly colored phone case you ordered online. You plug in the charger and hold down the lock button until the screen lights up with a battery graphic.

The first thing you see when it awakens is the lockscreen of you and your high school boyfriend smiling at each other. You remember that one of your friends caught the candid moment in a picture and later sent it to you. It was a sweet surprise as it was difficult to get him to take photos with you. You can almost feel the emotions you felt in the photo now while looking at it. The feeling of your first love and being in love. Your heart hurts thinking back to all those years ago. With this finding, all the good memories flood your mind, outweighing the bad. You can’t remember many specifics, only the happy and giddy feelings you had.

You wonder what he is up to and how he is, but you can’t bring yourself to check his social media accounts. Seeing him thrive without you would just hurt and make you feel worse about your own life. But what if he is single? Could you reunite and mend your broken relationship caused by immature reasons that you can vaguely remember? Would he still think you’re attractive? You don’t look the same as you did in high school, not that you think your appearance peaked in high school. None of that really matters unless one thing: Does he ever think of you?

This isn’t the point of you digging up your old phone. Quickly, you force yourself to look through your old contacts; there aren’t many as you knew a limited amount of people in high school. With no luck in finding that hairstylist’s number, you inform Mina that you don’t have it.

Unfortunately, curiosity gets the best of you, and you open your messages app. You scroll down to the conversation with your ex. Against your best judgement, you open it to find the memories left in this little device. The last thing you sent him was a selfie of you making an ugly face to which he had sent one right back. His sweet messages telling you good morning and goodnight still prompt the butterflies in your stomach. Scrolling through your conversation takes you back to before the heartbreak, and you begin to miss it. You’re not sure if you miss him or just the feeling.

The wrongs he did to you pale in comparison to the good. Your mind very well could be making those things up to preserve the little positivity you have left. Maybe there is hope for finding an innocent love like you once had, but then you remember where you are in life and all the odds against you.

Before you break down from all your nostalgic emotions, you turn off the phone and stash it away once again. You get ready for bed, washing your face and changing into pajamas. Your stomach quietly growls, and you remind yourself that you have already had dinner and should not eat anything else this late at night. The frozen dinner was not very filling to begin with, so maybe you could have a small snack that won’t make you feel guilty. No, you must keep your will strong.

As you plop down on your bed with a sigh, you feel your phone vibrating somewhere in the sheets. When you read the name of the late-night caller, you simultaneously get butterflies and annoyed.

“What do you want?”

“All I want is you, beautiful.” San’s voice is low and resonates through your body. 

There’s a brief pause before you groan and he giggles to himself.

“What’s wrong?” He asks with lingering amusement.

“Just stressed about things.”

“Do they have to do with the wedding?”

“Kind of, but not really. I don’t want to talk about it.”

He hums understandingly, “Sounds like you need a distraction as well. You want to go get pizza?”

“San, it’s like midnight?”

“So? Would a restaurant still be open if you weren’t supposed to eat pizza this late?”

“Do you not remember me worrying about my dress?”

“One meal isn’t going make a noticeable difference. Just live a little with me.”

With a sigh, you give in, “Fine. But I’m already in my pajamas though.”

“The red plaid ones?”

“Uh,” you glance down to check, “Yeah? Why?”

“Those are cute. I’ll wear my pajama pants if that makes you feel better. I’ll come pick you up.”

“Fine.”

“You better not change clothes and make me look stupid by myself.”

“You do that enough on your own.”

He scoffs softly, holding back his laugh, “Alright, I’ll head over now.”

In less than ten minutes, he is already calling again, but you decline the call and head down. The driver’s side window of San’s car is down with his arm hanging out. You notice he is preoccupied with his phone and take the opportunity to mess with him. Quietly, you sneak up next to the SUV and abruptly high-five his hand, which automatically catches yours.

“You scared the shit out of me,” he says, leaning out the window with wide eyes.

He lets go of you, and you giggle at accomplishing your goal.

“I thought you were ignoring me and weren’t going to come down. I was about to head up there to kick down your door.”

“I doubt you could do that.”

He gives you a look like he has something hidden up his sleeve and then gestures with his head for you to get in. Slipping into his car, you see he has kept his promise about wearing pajama pants, but you didn’t expect them to be similar to your own.

“Were you trying to match me?”

“Yeah, so we can look stupid together.”

“We could have done that without matching.”

“But now we look like a couple,” he says with a grin and raised eyebrows.

“We’re not,” you roll your eyes, but an idea hits you, “Mina made me redownload a dating app.”

San’s head snaps in your direction, “Why?”

“She wants me to have a date for the wedding. She also thinks being in a relationship will make me happier. I just don’t like using dating apps anymore.”

“No, delete it. What she’s wanting you to find isn’t going to be on a dating app. Those apps are barely used for actual dating. They’re hookup apps at this point.”

“See! That’s what I said, but she didn’t listen. I sent her screenshots of the gross messages I got earlier, and she was surprised.”

“Has she ever used one of those apps?”

“No, because she met Mingi almost immediately in college.”

“Thought so,” he mumbles, “The reason for you using that app isn’t going result in an actual good relationship. If you don’t want it, then nothing is going to work. Love can find you when you are ready and least expect it.”

“That sounded deep coming from you.”

He chuckles, “I know a thing or two about relationships.”

You observe him lift his hand to his face and stick the tip of his thumb between his lips. Little clicking sounds follow.

“Don’t bite your nails,” you scold.

His hand drops immediately as he glances at you.

“Under your nails harbor germs.”

“I haven’t died yet,” he jests.

“San!”

“It’s just a harmless habit.”

“You could get sick or get an infection in your nail beds.”

“Like I said, I haven’t died yet.”

You groan out of annoyance, and he smiles, pulling into a parking spot outside of a 24-hour pizzeria. The restaurant is located in a quaint strip of businesses. You have passed it thousands of times but never actually stopped here before. Surprisingly at this hour, a few people are dining in the restaurant and two people are at the register.

“Are you fucking serious?” San mutters under his breath as you get in the line.

“What?” You give him a worried glance.

He shakes his head and changes the subject, “What are you getting?”

You hum as you scan the menu before answering, “I think a slice of cheese. Are you getting just one slice?”

“Yeah, it’s a bit late for a lot.”

“I told you it was too late for pizza.”

He mimics you in a small voice as the cashier calls for the next in line.

San greets the man and orders, “We’ll get one slice of pepperoni and one slice of cheese.”

“I thought you were getting just one?” You slink up next to him.

“I am. That was both of our orders,” he answers, handing over a card to the man.

“San-”

“Are you two dating?” The cashier interrupts.

You shake your head while San nods, which causes you to give him an annoyed look.

“Here’s your receipt,” the man says with a smirk, “Your pizza will be out shortly.”

San snatches his credit card, the paper, and the complimentary cups from the guy.

“Why the hell did you say yes?” You try to keep your voice down as you walk away from the registers.

“For fun,” San responds curtly, the complete opposite of fun. 

Peeved, you follow him to the fountain drink machine and grumble, “You didn’t have to buy my food.”

“I asked you out. It’s only fair,” he answers while filling the cups with ice.

The words ‘I asked you out’ set your body on fire, but you know he doesn’t mean it like that. Though the delusional side of you pretends he does.

“To be honest, I’m really surprised you agreed. I was prepared for a hard no.”

You take a cup from him and fill it with one of the sodas.

“Who was your first pick?” You ask, letting go of your anger.

“Usually, Mingi, but he’s busy.”

“In the middle of the night?”

San simply hums as he heads to a booth, and you follow suit. Something is fishy about him tonight. You’re becoming suspicious of him.

“Do you not work?” You address your first observation: he asked you out around midnight on a weekday.

“I work for my uncle’s consulting firm, so I get to work from home most days.”

“Consulting firm? That sounds boring.”

“I spend my days telling businesses how to spend their money and asking rich people for donations, so yeah, it’s kinda boring. But at least I get to do all that in my sweats.”

“Must be nice to get to work from home… So what kind of businesses do you consult?”

“I’m currently working with a nursing home. They’re running out of money and don’t know what to do.”

Your heart feels heavy as he explains the home’s situation. There’s a passion in his eyes that is admirable. This is the most mature he has ever sounded. It’s actually really attractive.

“Many of the residents have family in the area, and if the home closes, they will have to relocate and most likely be moved farther away. People don’t visit homes as often as the residents would like, so more distance between them will cause even less visits.”

“That’s so sad.”

“Yeah,” he nods and solemnly looks down at the table.

Two plates land on the table with a clank, startling you. The cashier from earlier smiles at you and places a napkin next to each plate. After thanking him, you grab your napkin and notice something written on it.

“He gave me his number?”

San irritatedly rolls his eyes and takes a bite of his slice. The two of you sit in silence for a minute before he breaks it.

“What was your first kiss like?”

You are bewildered by the question. That is a memory you have repressed because, in all honesty, it wasn’t that great. In fact, you cringe thinking about it.

“Um, well, in high school, I had been talking to an upperclassman and told him my birthday was coming up. On that day, he found me in the hallway on my way to a class and just kissed me and said ‘happy birthday’ like that was a gift. At the time, I thought it was so cute and bragged to my friends about it. He turned out to be a douchebag and stopped talking to me because he was bored.”

“Bored?”

“I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to,” you say, giving San a look hoping it conveys you’re talking about sexual things.

Recognition flickers in his eyes. “Yeah, he’s a douchebag. This is why you shouldn’t date older guys. You should try dating younger guys.”

You narrow your eyes at him, and he just grins.

Ignoring that, you add, “Now, he has a tattoo above his dick that says ‘crotch rocket.’”

“How the fuck do you know that?”

“He works in adult entertainment.”

“You found him in porn?” San asks a little too loudly.

You shush him before continuing, “I didn’t find him. One of my high school friends did.”

His laughter is almost contagious. “I’m gonna need to see this tattoo.”

“I am not searching porn sites to find my first kiss. Absolutely no way.”

“I’ll find him myself then.”

You roll your eyes and reciprocate his question, “What was yours like?” 

“Not nearly as romantic,” he jokes, making you scoff, “It was during a game of truth or dare.”

“Ah, this sounds like a high school story too,” you comment before taking another bite of pizza.

“It was actually in middle school.”

“What?” Your eyebrows shoot up.

“I got dared to kiss a girl by her friends because she had a crush on me. I didn’t like her, but I didn’t want to look like a loser.”

There’s a hint of affliction in his eyes as he explains. You can tell he’s either regretful or ashamed, and it pulls at your heart.

“I’m sorry she stole that from you.”

“I’m sorry he stole that from you too.”

His sympathetic eyes dance around your face before landing on your mouth.

“You got some marinara on your lip,” he says, naturally wiping the sauce off with his thumb and then licking it off his finger.

You feel your cheeks heating up from how intimate that felt and need to move the conversation along to hide your embarrassment. Your second observation is that he mentioned needing a distraction, but from what?

“So what’s wrong with you?”

He gives you a look of confusion as he is quite clearly enjoying his time.

“What did you need a distraction from?”

“Oh… I’m also stressed about things.”

“About the wedding?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“So you invited me out in the middle of the night to emotionally eat and not talk about our feelings?”

He hums as if it is completely normal.

“This isn’t a healthy coping mechanism.”

“You worry too much.”

The silence falls over you again, and you defeatedly return your attention to your slice of pizza. But it doesn’t last long.

Suddenly, San speaks up, “Mingi is going to start staying at Mina’s apartment more often. That’s why he was busy tonight.”

“Oh, really?” You say, and he nods, “I was wondering why you two still lived together.”

“We promised each other that we’d live together until one of us got married. Now here we are.” The way he says the last sentence tells you he’s exasperated. You feel the need to assure him that living alone isn’t the worst thing in the world, although admittedly, it kind of feels like it sometimes.

“Living on your own isn’t too bad. No one eats your food, uses your shit, breaks your furniture…”

“Sounds like you’ve had a roommate from hell.”

“It wasn’t really my roommate; it was her visitor. In my second year of college, I had a roommate. She kept bringing a guy over, and I always heard them yelling and arguing. She had trust issues, and he had anger issues. One late night when they came back from god knows where, they got into a huge fight. He ended up punching a hole in my bedroom door out of rage.”

San’s expression holds hints of horror, confusion, and concern. “Did you call the police?”

“I didn’t have time. I had a paper due at midnight.”

“Y/N!”

“I know! But at least the landlord believed me and allowed me to break my lease to move into a one-bedroom apartment.”

“Was your roommate okay after all that?”

“I don’t know. They both ran after it happened. I never saw her again, and I think she blocked my number.”

He nods as he seemingly thinks about his next words. There’s a small hesitance when he asks, almost like he might step over your boundaries, “Do you not have, like, friends from high school you still hang out with?”

“I did. But it has been years since I talked to any of them.”

“What happened?”

“After graduation, none of them really stayed in touch. My best friend went to the same college as me, but she ended up transferring somewhere else. We haven’t talked much since she moved out. I figured if she wanted to, she would. I was the only one to try to catch up, but she would stop replying after a few messages,” you answer honestly. It brings up many emotions you cannot define but it hurts. So many questions about why it has turned out like this.

“I can’t imagine not talking to Mingi ever again.”

“I couldn’t imagine that in high school about my friends, but we had nothing that kept us together anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“School. We were stuck in the same place, and once we were out, it was like it never happened. It’s like we’re strangers now.”

He nods solemnly.

“I’m dreading the day my best friend gets engaged to her high school sweetheart,” you mumble, letting a little piece of pain slip out.

“Why?”

“I’ve always pictured her and our other friends in my wedding, but I don’t think she felt the same way about me. I was always the second friend, the second option… I’d be surprised if I was even invited. She could already be married for all I know. I don’t get on social media anymore.”

“Why would you want her in your wedding now?”

You sit for a second thinking about it. “I don’t really have anyone else to ask.”

“You know you don’t have to have a traditional wedding, right? You don’t need a big bridal party. There aren’t requirements for weddings.”

“I guess.”

“I would want only the people close to me to be in mine- I mean, ours.”

“Shut up,” you say in slight exasperation, and he grins with a little giggle, his eye smiles and dimples on full display.

“You really hate weddings, don’t you?”

“Yeah, basically.”

San opens his mouth to say something, but your phone lights up next to your plate with a call from Mina, effectively interrupting the conversation. As you reach for it, San snatches it out from under your hand. When you protest, he places it face down next to his plate.

“Until I drop you off, you’re mine.”

“What if it’s important?”

“It’s not.”

“How do you know?”

“Because it’s about me.”

“What did you do?!” You yell, to which San shushes you.

“Don’t worry about it… for now.”

“Did you ruin something?”

“Physically, no.”

“San!”

“Can I get anything out of your way?” The cashier swings by offering to take your empty plates amid your argument.

San quickly grabs your plate and crumbles your napkin before tossing it onto the plate and looking coldly into the man’s eyes. You glare at San as he stands from the booth. You try to apologize to the cashier, but San grabs your wrist and tugs you to the exit. Finally, your third observation: his hostility towards the pizzeria employee.

As soon as you’re out the door, you interrogate him, “Why did you do that? What is your deal?”

“He’s just a fucking loser who’s stuck working at a shitty pizzeria.” San unlocks his car with the key fob as you approach it.

“Just because he has a service job doesn’t make him a loser. I work at a retail store. You want to shit on that too?” You challenge him, ripping open the passenger’s side door.

“No, I did that because I see him at bars pulling the same shit as me. He has no good intentions.”

His door slams once he’s inside, him giving you a stern look.

“But I can hang out with you?” Your tone is bitter as you ask the question.

“I’m not trying to get with you,” he says while starting the engine.

It’s quite obviously the truth, but why does it hurt so bad?

“He’s not actually interested in you.” His voice softens.

“How do you know that?”

“He probably gave you his number to get back at me for getting him banned from a bar.”

Your head snaps in his direction. “How did you get him banned?”

“He followed a girl into the restroom, and I told the staff.”

“Sounds like someone else I know.”

This causes something to snap inside him.

“Don’t you dare compare me to that fucker. There’s a difference between waiting outside for someone you know and following an unsuspecting, drunk woman into it. I’m not some fucking monster.”

You’re too shocked by his outburst to respond. Your silence draws his attention. He exhales deeply and continues with a gentler voice, “You’re too good for him… He doesn’t deserve your time.”

“And you do?” You counter out of annoyance.

“No.”

You don’t know how to feel after that. He helped you dodge a bullet but then shot one of his own. From what you have gathered recently, San isn’t a bad person, so why wouldn’t he deserve your time? What has he done that was so bad? Without knowing what else to say, the two of you remain quiet until he pulls into a parking spot outside of your apartment building.

Before you reach for the door handle, San quietly confesses, “Me and Mingi have been going through the things we bought together and deciding who keeps what. We got into a huge argument over the TV that I paid more than half for, so I told him to go fuck himself and find another best man.”

Anger bubbles up inside you and spills over.

“What the fuck? Why would you do that?”

“Because I was mad-”

“That’s not a good reason! You are his best friend. He wants you next to him on one of the biggest days of his life, and you drop out because of a stupid argument? Out of all the childish shit you’ve done, this has to be one of the dumbest things. You are an adult. Act like one,” you scold, noticing the corners of his lips curling up, “Why are you smiling? I’m literally yelling at you.”

“Because you care.”

“Huh?”

“You wouldn’t be yelling if you didn’t.”

“I have no choice but to care. This isn’t just about you. It’s my best friend’s wedding too. And I’ve had to deal with you this long. You can’t back out now. We’re all depending on each other, including you. You’re being a pain in the ass. After you drop me off, you need to go back to your apartment and make up with Mingi.”

“He isn’t at our apartment. He’s at Mina’s.”

“Then call him and fix this.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Do you really not want to?”

He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something but then closes it.

“I know you’ve been enjoying being the best man so far. I can tell by the way you act although that includes annoying the shit out of me,” you admit reluctantly and sigh, “Do you really want to spend the rest of your time living with Mingi estranged?”

He begrudgingly shakes his head. Both of your attentions are drawn to your phone in your lap lighting up again with Mina calling.

“Don’t,” San begs.

“I already ignored her call earlier. If I do it again, she’s going to think something is wrong,” you reason with him before answering, “Hello?”

“Hey, I’m sorry I’m calling so late, but have you talked to San tonight?” The attitude in her voice reveals how pissed she is and rightfully so.

The car is silent enough for the said man to hear her speak, and he shakes his head with pleading eyes.

“I’m currently bitching him out right now,” you reply with just as much spitefulness.

“Are you with him?” She asks, baffled at the possibility.

San shakes his head more vigorously.

Not just for San’s sake but also your own, you lie, “No, I’m texting him. He’ll probably call Mingi in a little bit.”

“Oh, thank god. I swear men are so fucking stupid.”

“I know,” you agree, staring San directly in the eye.

“Okay, that’s all I wanted. I’ll talk to you tomorrow!”

After hanging up, you turn your full attention back to San, “Promise me you’ll fix this?”

“Only if we kiss on it.”

You glare at him sternly.

“I promise,” he says with a pout.

“Good.”

As you open the door and get out, San uses it as another opportunity to tease you.

“I always knew, in your own mean little way, you cared about me.”

“I always knew, in your own mean li- Shut up,” you mock, cracking him up in the process, and slam the door.

No matter how riled up he gets you, you always melt hearing his laugh. He knows exactly how to push you away and reel you right back in, and you just let him. You hate that he has that kind of effect on you. So much so that you fight the urge to punch the exterior wall of your apartment building as you head inside.

Your apartment is quiet, no flirting or teasing. The scent of coconut and vanilla lingers in the air, not cologne that smells of sandalwood and spice. Solitude welcomes you home without a charming smile and dimples. There is no longer a distraction to solely occupy your busy mind. The pitiful thoughts of your past creep back into the spotlight. The warm embrace of your bed is not enough to fend off your unrelenting insecurities. 

After reminiscing on your high school days, your heart feels heavy. All through school, you thought you and your friends would be inseparable after graduation. Why do they ghost you when you want to catch up? Why don’t they reach out just to see how you are? It makes you question if they were ever really your friends. Were you annoying? Did they secretly not like you? Were you not enough?

Your paranoia is interrupted by a text that vibrates your phone under your pillow. When you open the message, you can’t hold back the burst of laughter that erupts. San truly is something else.

From: San🖕 Is this that guy? https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?… 1:37 AM

The title of the video alone makes you cringe: “Lil Step Sis Takes a Ride on the Crotch Rocket.” While you’re ashamed this man took your lip virginity, you’re kind of thankful San has brought it up again just to make you laugh.

From: You YOU REALLY LOOKED HIM UP? 1:37 AM

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From: San🖕 He’s not very good at his job 1:39 AM

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From: You OMFG STOP WHY DID YOU WATCH IT? 1:40 AM

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From: San🖕 We should remake that video and show him how it’s done 😜 1:40 AM

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From: You EW NO. I’m NOT into that. 1:41 AM

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From: San🖕 All you have to do is pretend to be stuck in something 1:41 AM

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From: You ADLKSAJFA NO 1:41 AM

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From: San🖕 If I guess one of your kinks, you would be down?? 1:41 AM

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From: You You’re not taking me to bed. 1:42 AM

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From: You EVER. 1:42 AM

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From: San🖕 Who said it had to be on a bed? 😏 1:42 AM

Now, the only thing you can think of is him bending you over every surface in your apartment that isn’t your bed. It seems like his boldness with you is spreading to the nonphysical ways of communication. Even though it makes your heart pound in your chest, you have to keep him in line.

From: You I think you’re becoming a little more forward over text than in person. 1:43 AM

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From: San🖕 I mean 1:43 AM

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From: San🖕 I can drive back over if you’re interested 1:43 AM

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From: You I’m sure you’d come running. 1:44 AM

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From: San🖕 Running isn’t really my thing, but I can still come for you 😘 1:45 AM

Your eyes drift to the time at the top of your screen, and you feel a little disappointed that it’s so late. As much as you want to continue this little banter, you really need to sleep because you have work later in the morning. But you can’t let him know that’s how you feel.

From: You Oh, no, would you look at the time. 1:46 AM

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From: San🖕 Don’t leave me hanging! 1:46 AM

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From: You Lol too bad. Thank you for tonight. It was fun… kinda. 1:47 AM

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From: San🖕 Of course! and I’m sorry I’m a pain in the ass 😜 1:47 AM

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From: You You better be. Goodnight. 1:47 AM

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From: San🖕 Night, beautiful 😘 1:48 AM

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[novelconcepts]

Apologies, I don’t use tumblr much so not sure if I’ve sent this to the correct place.

Feel free to completely ignore this, I don’t often try and dispense advice to strangers on the internet. But I’ve spent a lot of time struggling with the want and need to write while feeling completely unable to and recently uncovered a metaphor I find incredibly helpful. So, I thought I would share it in case it might also help you.

I explained it to my therapist last year that it often felt like I kept getting into the car to go somewhere and then just sitting there. Just sitting in the car, not moving. Even though I wanted to. Even though I knew that if I could just start going, it would feel so much better. I just couldn’t get myself to start the car.

And I kept saying that it was so frustrating because of that wanting to go and knowing that once I was going, I would feel good. And she said, that it was kind of like when you’re first learning to drive a manual transmission, and first gear is the hardest to get out of, but once you do, everything is so much easier.

That really hit me because I did learn on a manual and I do remember the absolute agony of stalling the car over and over and over again. Just how awful that feels when you’re first learning. It was very analogous to what sitting in front of a blank page feels like, wanting so badly to put words out and just not being able to.

I had the really simple thought then of, if I don’t turn the engine, the car will never start. I realized that I was waiting for the ability (that’s not really the word I want but can’t think of a better one at the moment) to write to come back to me and that was akin to sitting in a car after stalling, waiting for the engine to start.

And yeah, sometimes it takes a bunch of tries to get out of first gear. Sometimes, too many tries for that day and you have to get out of the car and try again another day because the frustration is too much. But I think the more you try, the easier it gets to get out of first and into second.

Anyway, I know it’s an extremely simple metaphor and hand waves a lot, but I find it helpful when I’m frustrated and despairing that I will ever find those elusive words again.

I really appreciate you sending this, thank you. Part of my stalling out is utterly mental (not like “crazy”, but literally mental--my brain is overloaded with the last year or so, and I don’t feel like I have the space to create under all that strain) and part of it has to do with my physical location being upended. I’m still not home most of the time, my computer and office aren’t set up, I’m always around people and noise and distraction. All of it isn’t conducive to actually writing. But yeah. That idea of being in the car and just...unable to start going? That’s exactly it. If I could just turn the damn key.

I...know, in some part of me, that I will be able to turn it again. To get the engine to rev, and to at least take some laps around the block. It’s just a matter of trying to be patient with myself, which is always the hardest part. But knowing it happens to other people too is always more helpful than it should be. So thank you. I hope this posts all right (Tumblr’s submission option has always confused me a lil’ bit), and thanks again for sending it through.

#ask #submission #kind words #sorry it took a few days to answer--i could not for my life figure out how to format it until i got to my laptop #but i really do appreciate it

[shaaaaaaar]

i’ve had a post in drafts for a while now about if i’m neurodivergent because like a third of the people i meet end up forming an opinion on if i’m neurodivergent (usually autistic but i’m mostly using broad terms for this post) or not and always get INCREDIBLY passionate about it. i’m not diagnosed with anything, not at time of writing, and there have been people i’ve met who are genuinely SHOCKED by this. because i’m so obviously neurodivergent that the fact that nobody thought to get me diagnosed is mind blowing to them.

as well, part of the draft was about the opposite side of the coin, the people that will very strongly deny i could be anything but neurotypical. the main example i have is my old pediatrician, who really did not like the idea i could be autistic.

it’s midnight, and being bored i remember that post and go back to edit it a bit. go look over that second part about people who disagree and notice how i barely have anything to say. not many examples, not many funny stories, nothing. i think about it further, and there’s only been one or two people that were ever against the idea i could be neurodivergent whenever it came up. i don’t even remember who the second person mightve been beyond they were someone who existed.

as well, my old pediatrician was really bad with anything involving my brain. which yes, wasn’t her primary job, but when i say she was bad i mean she has given me advice that is literally HARMFUL because she completely ignored that i have mental health issues or i’m trans or something. and because she was my pediatrician, my main doctor, and she very strongly denied i could be neurodivergent, i never got tested.

it’s the total opposite with people who think i am neurodivergent. most of the people who have expressed a similar idea to me are neurodivergent and see a lot of themselves in me. hell, i was telling someone about this trend and that i found the bit really funny and i literally got a deadpan serious response, “it’s not a bit. you’re autistic.” even better, the first time someone suggested i might be autistic was when i went to a therapist for the first time

the more i’ve thought about and reflected on it, the less funny it felt and the more frustrating it began to be. not like there isn’t a lot of humor in it, besides humor is how i cope with when i’m frustrated at something, but goddamn, this is all so disorienting and upsetting. my neurotypicalness/neurodivergency is nothing but a what-if.

when i have conversations about my brain with people who think i’m neurodivergent, i feel out of place. because i’m being treated by my peers like i’m neurodivergent, and yes, there’s a damn good chance i am, but i don’t know that for sure, i can’t actually include myself in what people are claiming i’m a part of. it messes with me, and i never know what to say other than mention (multiple times) i’m not diagnosed. yet i look back on the past 18 years of my life and think to myself about how if i learned about this shit earlier i might’ve had a better childhood. because if i am neurodivergent, i could’ve had an environment that was less stressful and better suited for me because i could understand that i need different things sometimes.

i’m just frustrated with it all. fuck, i’m frustrated that this is a thing

#when that therapist shared to my parents she thought i could be autistic dad nearly cried #because he saw so much of himself reflected in what she said and it felt like things about him made sense at last #and im thinking about that right now and how fuck. thats been me the past year as ive thought about this more #self diagnosis #actually its more like peer diagnosis #neurodivergent #shar rambles for way too long

[russilton]

Mark, I'm struggling with ideas of loneliness and failed friendships as new year is approaching, do you have these too and how do you deal with them? You're one of my fave f1 tumblrs

Hi anon, first of all, thank you. It’s odd to think I can be one of someone’s favourites, but I’m honoured by the idea. Secondly the liminal space between Christmas and New Years is weird, and the most reflective time of year I’ve found.

Much like not trusting thoughts after 2am (because you are probably sleep deprived) I find it best to approach the thoughts your brain throws at you around this time with a pinch of salt. An over stimulated, over tired, and over exposed pinch of salt.

You’re reflecting at a point when you’re probably at your most wrung out, and trust me, I get it. My brain keeps trying to tell me I’m a burden on those around me. I know he’s just being a dick so I kiss my girlfriend, drink water, and try to get on with my life. But sometimes I listen. We all do. That’s when I turn to my loved ones for support.

But also, it’s a fitting time of year for you to send this. Last year at roughly this time someone I considered a close friend, turned around and cut me off abruptly entirely over something they believed I’d done. They didn’t speak to me, they just mouthed off to my partner, who I’m lucky chose to tell me. When it comes to failed friendships, I think about them a lot. I miss them, but I’m also thankful for it in a way.

Every failed friendship we have is a chance to learn and assess our boundaries. What are we willing to do for those around us, and what are we willing to put up with to make something work. While their assumption hurt me greatly, it taught me to be open and honest with the people I love. It meant that this year I went out of my way to communicate when I was having problems with friends, I worked harder than ever on the friendships I cared about.

I’m down one friend, but I’m closer to those I love than ever, including people I only met this year in this weird and wonderful little fandom.

Some people are not meant to stay in our lives forever, some people are like fireworks, they fly into our lives and burn passionately before snuffing out quietly. Their failure isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s just that their time is up, you’re headed in different ways.

Some people we are only friends with because we’re in the same place at the same time. There are 8 billion people on earth all making our own way, it’s okay to have different needs and that isn’t necessarily a failure just… an incompatibility. That’s how I tend to think of “failed” friendships

I don’t tend to feel lonely often because I am surrounded online by friends I adore. But what I do feel is… out of place. I don’t have many local friends anymore. I am online more than I am offline, because it works better with my needs. Most of the time this doesn’t bother me…. But sometimes I’d like a hug. I feel like I am missing out on a human experience, that I should be going outside more, traveling more, pushing myself harder. That’s something I may push myself harder to change in the new year.

The best way I’ve found to deal with this stuff is just… talking about it with someone who listens and doesn’t try to insist the problem has to be fixed straight away? I feel lighter every time, and that’s why I loved going to therapy so much, and I’ve been trying to find another route to more treatment. It’s like a routine chance to mentally rearrange your brain with someone you trust isn’t biased, but won’t hurt you. Someone who is paid to take on some of your mental weight so you can reshuffle it across your back. A trusted friend can do the same, my girlfriend often helps more than anyone I’ve ever known, but I’m cautious of over burdening her with my weight when she has her own to shoulder. That’s why I miss therapy.

That’s a lot of rambling but I think that’s how I deal with things, i just talk them out, here, or in my work, or to myself. Sometimes you just have to let things hang out, and you’ll come up with your solution later. There’s no one right way.

#asks #anonymous #mark rambles #personal #written while half falling asleep #make of it what you will

[sassafrassbass]

I have been going on an very intense journey of self discovery much like the Native Americans this weekend to figure out what makes me tick and I’ve been very sleep deprived and crying and doing extremely intense thinking about what I want out of my life. Here’s a random highlight of the wild places my brain and body have been taking me. I’m forcing myself tj be sleep deprived and I made a lot of high calorie healthy smoothies and forcing as many calories in me to destroy this idea that I can’t be healthy, limber and fat at the same time because you’re going to get fat training for muscle, and not worry if I am looking fat or not. Just train my body and mind I’m segments like the Ninja Turtles. But it’s been rough and I’ve broken down and cried so many times and found ways to keep going and make plans and pushing past this stupid mental barrier. I want to live up to that message my shirt. I don’t want to be trapped by any limits anymore. I want to be a damsel in success, like Princess Peach. I can feel all the physical changes I’m making. With being able to get food down so I wanted to take this weekend to explore and unpack a lot of stuff and just keep forcing and pushing my stomachs limits while seeing how I get inspired and get a drive and it really has helped so far and one of my biggest fears is that old adage that being fat isn’t healthy. But it is. And if you’re going. To train your body for muscle, you’re going to get fat. So I need to shatter that mental block that it’s bad and just worry about how I feel mentally and physically and not worry about the look and go for the physical strength I need and discipline my insides. So I’ve made it my goal to gain some fat quick to tell myself it’s okay. I am still working on the calories in the list and there will be more tomorrow and I’ve been stretching and doing squats and light workouts this whole time. So I’m doing it as healthily has possible. Like I need to do this and train like this for my own good and health. So I started at 250.8 just a few days ago and working very hard to work on loving my body and getting used to gaining weight and it’s been extremely hard work feeling bloated all the time and like you’re unattractive, but you’re actually not. You’re beautiful and healthy because you know what you’re putting into your body to train and become stronger and need to do this and gain weight as part of my training.

I want to live like a true member of the Hamato clan and someone that would make Jason David Frank proud. My life has been pretty shitty but I’m glad I’m still here. I want to expand on my tattoos as I’m training my body and mind to be a better person. Ive already somewhat started and I was getting a better aspect when I was psychoanalyzing character development in TMNT 3: Turtles in Time movie for hours and I have a raw video of the whole Snapchat story of my day I can upload somewhere that’s 8 minutes long. But yeah here’s the last bit as a taste of what I was doing and having fun with it.

I’m starting with Michelangelo qualities of maturing and taking in more responsibilities but still having time for fun and nunchuck practice. Plus I want to still be quick, limber and lithe and quick with a joke, so he’s always been my favorite and relate to him a lot in his different iterations.

I’ve been practicing changing different positions with them stretching and feels really good to do good fluid movement stretching and then gets your arms tired from pulling so hard in different positions.

But my next is Raphael to work on slowing down and taking time to relax and not be so quick to anger and deal with my body issues because Raphael’s pure essence is generally fueled by hate, rage, sarcasm, and those things suck for mental health sometimes. Just like Sensei says, “Anger clouds the mind and when turned inward becomes and unconquerable enemy.” So I’ve got great insight for my Michelangelo discipline, and now need that work towards my Raphael discipline this year with getting in touch with my body now that I’ve gotten in tune with my spirit. Much of Raphael’s fighting style isn’t about using his weapons, but more the way he moves his body and uses the environment. This body phase is definitely the toughest and roughest challenge yet to overcome.

#fat belly #weight gain #weight gainer #chubby belly #getting fat on purpose #fat guy #fat man #gay fat #getting fatter #beer belly #stuffed gut #stuffed belly #inspiration #body image #body posititivity #training #fat motivation #motivation #ninja turtles #ninja training #spiritualpath #life goals