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221bshrlocked · 3 years

Text

taste you on my tongue

Pairing: The Mandalorian (Din Djarin) x Reader

Words: 9441 (I can’t fucking write anything shorter I’m sorry)

Warnings: Angst and Smut. Helmet is on and then it’s off. Oral (male receiving). Soft then rough sex. Breeding kink. Touch kink. Hand kink? Dirty/Sweet Talk. Mando feels primal when he sees you wearing his shirt and flirting with someone that isn’t him.

Summary: The Revenant was a fairly spacious gunship compared to others and you prided yourself in keeping it running for this long, especially after you were told it would soon lose its “life force.” But when a certain Mandalorian and his foundling join your ship following a disastrous mission, you find that the Revenant isn’t as big as you initially thought. In fact, it is much less private than you wish to admit and you find yourself escaping to a cantina one night to avoid the bounty hunter who isn’t aware of the effect he has on you. The problem is, the Mandalorian doesn’t like to share anything with anyone, and that rule applies to you. Unfortunately (or perhaps luckily) for you, you learn about this rule the hard way.

A/N: I hope yall like these because I’m currently spiraling down a Din Djarin hole and I’m not remotely apologetic. Let me know how it is in the comments and how I can make the smut better or the characterization better. Please, I can’t improve unless yall tell me what I’m doing wrong. Also, I promise to write more smut than angst next time. Enjoy :) And @purple-mango sorry it wasn’t as rough as you probably hoped, I was feeling soft Din but mark my words, the next one will be rough.

The obnoxious laughter coming from one of the corners of the cantina made you shake your head as the tavern-keeper approached you and motioned towards your glass. He smiled when you enthusiastically nodded and held out the finished drink, silently asking him to pour some more of the Tevraki whiskey because there was nothing you wanted more than to forget the past few months.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. There was something, or rather someone, that you wanted more than your need to set aside what’s been going on since that shitshow of a showdown on Tatooine. Coincidentally, or perhaps ironically, that someone had to do with what happened on the desert planet. You smiled at the man in front of you who knew better than to argue about how many drinks you’ve downed thus far.

As the thoughts slithered back to the source of your frustration, you couldn’t help but let your eyes take in your surroundings, shamelessly hoping to find someone who could fill that deep-seated need seeping through your chest and into your heart. No one would compare to him of course, and you knew that very well. But you couldn’t stand another hour on that ship without scratching that itch that’s been bothering you ever since he joined your ship with that annoyingly cute green goblin. You took a sip and returned your attention to the man wiping down the counter in front of you, already thinking of just skipping all the pleasantries and going back to his place.

“If you point him out to me, I can pay him a visit later and roughen him up a bit.” He leaned over and pointed behind you, pouring himself a shot of some weird blue drink before moving in closer to you again.

“Sorry?” You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion, not understanding what he was referring to or if you had even begun a conversation with him.

“The sleemo that rejected you sweetheart. Why else would you be drowning in my best stuff?” He winked at you and you barely managed to not visibly gag at the ways his eyes raked over your form. Did he think this was the way to flirt?

“Maybe I just love drinking liquid fire, sweetheart. Have you thought of that?” You hoped you weren’t being too sarcastic with him because if there was the slightest chance of getting laid tonight, then you were going to do everything in your power to take it and run considering how there was no chance of you asking your now-permanent “roommate” for those kinds of services.

“Maybe. Either way, I’d love to help you forget about that sucker.” You took a deep breath and willed yourself to not punch him in the eye because the thought of being able to forget about the beskar-clad bounty hunter, even for a few hours only, sounded incredibly pleasant.

“Oh aren’t you sweet? So selfless and confident too.” You forced a smile before downing the rest of the whiskey and tapping on the glass again. If you were going to get fucked by someone like him, you needed at least three more drinks or else you wouldn’t be able to imagine the Mandalorian in his place. You chuckled at the depressing thought because here you were trying to forget about the man himself and yet went out of your way to make sure you were sort of able to pretend he was the one showing you the stars.

“Believe me darling, my intentions are strictly...honorable.” He poured you another drink and took a shot with you, his eyes widening in shock when you didn’t bother to wait another second before downing the whole glass in one go.

“Damn baby, he hurt you that bad?” You raised an eyebrow at his inquiry and didn’t know why the question bothered you so much. As much as you hated to admit it, the answer was a hard yes.

“Hah, hurt doesn’t even begin to cover it. And you know what the worst part is? He doesn’t even know he’s doing it.” You didn’t bother to ask him for another drink, jumping on top of the counter before leaning down and grabbing the whiskey bottle from the shelf right in front of his knees.

“You mean he’s still here?” He didn’t question your behavior, letting you take a long sip from the bottle before smiling down at your dazed expression.

“Here. There. Everywhere. He’s fucking everywhere all the damn time. I...he’s- maker...I can’t get him out of my kriffing mind. And the funny thing is, he probably doesn’t waste a second of thought on me. I’m just...someone with a fucking ride that can get him from one planet to the next.” You traced random patterns on the cold tile of the counter and didn’t realize that someone had occupied the seat just opposite of you and trying his hardest to ignore the way the patrons across the room continued to stare at you like you were a piece of meat.

“Darling, he isn’t worth your time. You need someone that...appreciates you. Tells you how good you’ve been.” You knew the man in front of you was just saying those lovely things to get in your pants but you couldn’t help the next few words from stopping even if you tried.

“Yes...gods, yes. Yes I do. But I wanted him to appreciate me. I wanted him to tell me how good I’ve been. I can’t blame him for not bothering to thank me though because it’s hard for him to hold a conversation longer than five minutes. I get that, he’s not used to it, he hasn’t needed to for so long. But it wouldn't hurt to acknowledge me every once in a while you know. I mean, do you know anyone else who’d willingly put their entire life on hold just to help some random introvert and his child find their way through this kriffing shithole of a system?” You knew you shouldn’t be saying any of those things out loud, let alone to a complete stranger. But he struck a nerve and you couldn’t take not another minute of not telling anyone how you truly felt. You needed to get some things off your chest and you sure as hell weren’t about to complain to the man waiting for you back on the ship.

“And- and do you know anyone that would readily give up their most valuable position in this world to a stranger they just met? I don’t.” You violently shook your head at him and felt your eyes fill with tears when you saw the way the man was looking at you. His eyes shot down to the bottle in your hand and you unceremoniously raised it to your lips before taking a long swig of the burning liquid, hoping by some miracle that this was enough to make you forget all about his stupid strut and his annoyingly low and gruff voice and the way he was so effortlessly kind to the kid.

“That ship. It’s- oh gah, it’s been with me through the worst fucking jobs. I fought for it, almost sold my kriffing bo-...almost sold something priceless to ensure it isn’t taken from me again. And it only takes some damn beskar-wearing, quiet, fucking who-knows-what-species nerfherder to save me once for me to voluntarily hand it over to him. Like it wasn’t a piece of me...like it wasn’t my home.” You were over sharing at this point and you noticed the way the man was beginning to lose interest in you so you made sure to grab his shirt and pull him closer to you before grabbing his forearm and digging your nails into it to keep his attention.

“Have you heard of the Revenant? You must have heard of the Revenant. There is no way you haven’t-”

“Yes, yes. I’ve heard of it.” He was exasperated but continued to attend to you, shamelessly letting his eyes follow a drop of whiskey roll down your shirt in between the valley of your breasts. You fixed your posture, pushing your tits together and giving him an eyeful of skin before ranting to him again.

“That’s my baby. My pride and joy. I always made sure everyone at the dock knew who it belonged to. Know why?” You grabbed his hand and pulled on it to make sure he was listening to you, laughing when he tiredly leaned down and forced himself to look away from your sweaty chest to your eyes.

“Enlighten me sweetheart.”

“Because it’s one of the biggest gunships out there. So much space that I don’t actually use. It’s a fucking beauty...but you know what? It’s all a lie. A sad, unfortunate lie. Because it took me spending the better half of the year with that kid and his tincan of a guardian to realize just how small it is. It’s like he put his mark on every corner of my home on purpose...just to drive me insane. Every time I sit somewhere where I’m sure he wouldn’t bother to come to, I’d still smell that- that...that fucking scent of his that I can’t, for the life of me, figure out what it is.” You had thankfully placed the whiskey bottle away from you and didn’t try to fight the tavern-keeper when he took it and put it back on the shelf, instantly returning to you to make sure you weren’t about to break anything.

“I even gave him my room. My room! Because ‘no one can see my face’ so he needs some privacy away from me but then there’s the whole ‘the child stays with me all the time’ and that womp rat can sleep in the little cot in my room with him while also giving him some privacy. Which leaves me, you guessed it, in the shitty lower deck where there is no door, not even a curtain, to give me some semblance of solitude.” You didn’t realize how harshly you were breathing until you stopped speaking and noticed the way the stranger continued to look at you.

“It has been a literal hell not being able to get myself off because he can walk in on me at any given moment. Picture that, not getting off for almost a year while being forced to remain in the same vicinity as him.” You didn’t care when you saw the man almost choke on his drink at your bold admission and looked around to make sure no one heard you. “Ughh, you’ve been such a good boy listening to me whining all night long and I think you deserve a treat.” You knew you had him as soon as he shivered at the way your fingers moved beneath his shirt and scratched his neck. “You look like the kind of guy that could fuck me within an inch of my life. Right?”

“Ah huh. Y-yeah.” He licked his lips before setting down the towel in his hands and inching closer towards you. And you silently swore at how absolutely pathetic he was because not a minute ago, he was trying to find a way out of this conversation and here he was thinking with his probably-disappointing dick.

“Good. And I promise to make it worth your while if you manage to make me forget his name.” You leaned across the counter and were about to kiss him when you saw something move across your peripheral vision, something that looked oddly familiar to your completely hazed mind.

“And what’s his name, baby? So I make sure you can’t rememb-” Before he could finish whatever he was about to say, you felt a large hand wrap around your upper arm and pull you back from the bartender and off of the stool. You almost tripped as you struggled to stand and huffed in anger before raising your voice to the distinguished individual who thought this was the time to fuck with you.

“Hey what are y-” You were about to take a swing at whoever it was currently bruising your arm when you followed the glint of the familiar metal and were met with your reflection staring right back at you. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you blinked in confusion a few times at the visor currently tilted in an almost judgemental manner at you before attempting to wipe your hair with your other hand.

The Mandalorian slowly changed his focus to the man behind the bar and threw a few credits at him, hands immediately lowering to the blaster in his side holster when he saw where the tavern-keeper’s eyes moved towards. The stranger could only hold up his hand in defeat before walking towards the other side of the bar to lick his invisible wounds. The Mandalorian’s helmet turned to the rest of the cantina, daring anyone to approach the two of you before you left. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to follow the two of you as you returned to the Revenant. He could feel his patience withering away with every passing moment you decided to share what’s on your mind with the rest of the universe but him.

“Let me go.” You whispered to him, eyes maintained to the ground and cringing when you felt his hold on your arm tighten at the request. Before you could ask him again, Mando was turning around and walking out of the busy cantina, pulling you along with him aggressively and not leaving any room for negotiation. You winced as he pulled you like a child through the streets, avoiding the concerned and intrigued looks you were receiving. He was much taller than you and you laughed when you realized it must have been a sight to see some random woman getting dragged along by an angry bounty hunter. Mando couldn’t help but turn towards you when he heard your giggles break the silence, his annoyance spiking because there was absolutely nothing humorous about this situation.

You noticed the way he was staring at you and decided to quiet down, swallowing the lump in your throat as the cold air hit your sweaty skin and made you shiver.

As you moved closer to the ship, you realized there was a chance he heard what you had to say about him and your ship. Hurt and anxiety rose up your throat and before you could attempt and control the all too familiar feeling, you were tripping over your feet and falling to the ground, instantly vomiting everything you’d managed to eat and drink in the last couple of hours.

The Mandalorian hoped his obviously misplaced outrage wasn’t what led you to such a violent reaction, and he kneeled down immediately to hold your hair away from your face. When he saw tears falling down your cheeks and how hard you were breathing beneath him, something snapped in his chest and he knew he was definitely the reason behind this severe response.

“Don’t- oh gah….kriffing look at me.” You spat in between words and turned away from him, holding onto your stomach and to the grass beneath you as you continued to empty your stomach in the middle of the forest. At least you weren’t in the city anymore.

“We’re close to the ship,” he didn’t know what else to say and chose to state the obvious instead, afraid of using a harsher tone with you. Actually, he did know what to say, he just didn’t trust himself to speak the words out loud yet.

“Wopty fucking doo for-” once again, you opened your mouth and dry heaved until you were sure there wasn’t a single drop of whiskey in your system, “you and your stupid kriffing-”

“Please Ad'ika, let me-” You visibly shook at the familiar endearment you’ve heard him whisper to the child so often when he thought you weren’t around. It hurt to know he was throwing it around as if he wasn’t twisting the knife inside your heart with every breath he took near you.

“Let m-me go, p-please.” Mando’s sudden intake of breath was as loud as the silence engulfing the two of you and you swallowed your pride before looking into his visor, well aware of how awful you must have looked without the reflection staring back at you. He, on the other hand, grasped in that moment just how deep your words in the cantina were and instead of listening to you and allowing you a moment alone, he took a deep breath before softly pushing back your hair and wrapping one arm around your waist. You didn’t have any time to question him as the other went beneath your thighs and before you knew it, you were holding onto his cowl for dear life as he quietly walked up the ramp of the Revenant with you in his arms.

Mando pushed in the code to shut the hatch before making his way through the quiet halls of the ship, reaching hi- your room and going straight to the bed he has occupied in the last few months. As he put you down, he took notice of your body language and knew instantly how self-conscious you must have felt laying on the bed he’s been using since he joined you. The same bed which you sort of commented about not an hour ago. He watched as you forced a smile as soon as you saw the familiar green little womp rat peeking its head right before descending from the safety of his crib and wobbling towards you.

You tried to leave the bed but Mando was ahead of you, gently pushing your shoulder until you realized there was no room for arguing with him. Leaning down, he took the kid and put him back in the crib before telling him he couldn’t cuddle with you tonight.

You kept your hands clasped together and refused to look at him, eyes taking in the room no longer familiar to you. He’d moved things around, even put things away that he didn’t need. Your gaze shifted towards him unintentionally as you saw him approach you with a cup of water and wet towel. Pushing the covers towards you, he sat near your thighs as he handed you the water and began to softly wipe at your cheeks and forehead.

You shut your eyes out of fear of giving more away just by staring at his visor and Mando thanked the stars you had because he wasn’t sure he could truly look at you if they were still open. It was a ridiculous thought because he was wearing a mask and you’d never know how much he loved committing all those little muscle twitches to memory. But it felt strangely intimate to return your gaze and he didn’t want to make you any more uncomfortable tonight.

You sighed heavily at his touch and felt pathetic at how starved you were for anything that had to do with him. The man was wearing gloves and wasn’t technically trailing his fingers over your skin but it still felt difficult to contain yourself.

When he was done, he stood up and moved to the refresher, giving you a few moments alone before he imposed on you again. You gulped down the water and placed the cup on the floor near you, looking out of the large window to your right and noticing the dark blue skies moving slowly above you. It took you a few minutes to recognize that what you were feeling was no longer hurt but confusion. He’s acted so differently tonight and you hated to think it was because he was pitying you. It didn’t matter anymore whether he’d heard what you said about him or not. He would have found out sooner or later, and if you were being honest, you felt like he probably had some inclination for a while before but chose to not bring any attention to the topic to save you from embarrassment and rejection.

“Get some rest.” You turned towards him again, not realizing he’d come back into the room and was standing right beside you. Mando tried his hardest not to give away any of his thoughts but you knew what he was thinking as soon as you saw his helmet tilt down just below your neck.

When you followed his line of sight, you felt ill again but for a completely different reason. Of course this would get worse. You weren’t planning on seeing him tonight and you told yourself you’d have plenty of time to change out of his shirt but it seemed that the universe was not making this any easier on you. Mando couldn’t stop staring at the shirt wrapped so loosely around your smooth skin and how large it looked on you. If he was a decent man, he would have turned away when he saw you shifting uncomfortably under his gaze but he couldn’t help taking in the way your body seemed to react to his presence and before he could think about it, he was stepping closer to the bed and reaching out to touch the material of his shirt falling down your shoulder.

“I- I’m sorry about your s-” The words died in your throat when you felt his gloved fingers trailing down your exposed clavicle and you were torn between asking him what he was doing and letting him carry on without interrupting his curiosity. Mando barely held himself back from pushing you down into the covers and taking what he now knew was his but he noticed the sudden goosebumps erupt on your skin and finally managed to meet your eyes through the visor. The way you were returning his gaze was perhaps too much for him and he flinched away from you, clearing his throat and willing himself to think of anything else but the way you were practically begging him to take you. You parted your lips to say something but couldn’t find your voice, afraid you’d push him more than he could take and drive him away all together.

“It’s fine. It’s...I don’t mi- forget about it. You need to rest.” He spoke softly before walking towards the cot nearby and pushing the crib out of the door.

“Wh-where will you sleep?” You sat up and knew he noticed how much you were holding onto every single interaction with him.

“Good night,” he didn’t bother to respond to the question, turning off the lights and shutting the door behind him before making his way to the cockpit. You sat in silence for a few moments before slithering under the covers, sighing in annoyance when you noticed just how much this entire room smelled like him. Pushing your face into the pillow, you took a deep breath and felt shaken to the core when you were hit with Mando’s distinctive scent: sweat, beskar, and that damn featherfern wash he somehow found every time you flew by Nevarro.

As you looked out the metal blinds, you tried to brace yourself for the conversation you were most definitely going to have with the Mandalorian the next day. You knew for a fact that whatever decision he’d take will ultimately hurt you because there were really only two options available, one of which involved him and the child leaving and the other would lead to them staying but making things awkward since there was not a single chance he would reciprocate your feelings.

And the worst part was, you weren’t sure which was more painful.

The Mandalorian sat quietly in the cockpit for a while, making sure you were asleep so as to not wake you up as he moved through the Revenant. Seeing that the kid was fast asleep, he found himself leaving the small space and navigating to the lower deck. He passed by your room and noticed the lights were off, sighing in relief at knowing that you were finally resting comfortably. Arriving at the lower deck, he stood at the entrance of the large room and felt his chest tighten once he took in the state of the space. Turning on the lights, he immediately noticed your makeshift cot in the far right corner, unable to stop himself from moving towards it to inspect it. He shook his head in anger but this time it was aimed at himself and not you or the random tavern keeper who couldn’t keep his eyes off of you.

How did he not know of this arrangement? And why did he not ask about your sleeping situation the day he joined your ship? Was he truly that unconcerned with anyone else but the kid or was it because he was reluctant to listen to Peli when she recommended you?

He’d only been in the lower deck for a few moments yet he felt his skin crawl with goosebumps. It was awfully cool down here and it took him another ten seconds to acknowledge that you’ve been living and sleeping here for this long without complaining once to him.

Everything you said about him earlier tonight crashed into him like a wave of guilt and he couldn’t stay in the room any longer, making his way back to the upper deck to try and figure out what he would say to you come tomorrow. As he slowly moved through the dark hallways of the Revenant, he heard a faint voice coming from the upper deck, muscles tensing instantly when he walked past your room and noticed you weren’t on the bed.

Not wanting to disturb you, he waited right outside the cockpit and listened to you humming to the child. He must have woken up and found his way back to you. As he crossed his arms and stood behind the door, he couldn’t help but notice how soft your voice was as you continued to sing a lullaby to the little womp rat.

How could he have not noticed…

“There you go, you little green goblin. If only I could sleep as quickly as you.” You whispered to him before tucking him into the crib while continuing to rub his abnormally large ears. “Your dad is really funny...thinking I’d be able to sleep in that room with his scent all over it.”

Maker, how were you so forthright with everyone but him? It hurt to know that he wasn’t someone you could whisper your little secrets to. Then again, it made sense since all of your secrets seemed to involve him.

“I pray he doesn’t tell me he has to leave now that he knows I...ughh, for both of our sakes little one.” Mando noticed the way you seemed incapable of finishing your sentences whenever you spoke about him and a deep part of him wished you would, if only to hear the adoration in your words. Rarely anyone spoke of him so softly and he had a feeling he’d only ever accept such words from you. It was quiet for a few minutes before he heard you whisper to the kid again.

“It just hurts to know that he’ll never see me as...as a-” He wasn’t sure if it was the heartbreaking tone of your voice or if it was the way you were reluctant to say your heart’s desire out loud but Mando couldn’t stand another second of you thinking you weren’t important to him.

“As a what?” His voice came out harsher through the vocoder and he winced at himself when he vaguely heard you jumping from the chair. A soft hiss came from the cockpit and he took a deep breath when he realized you’d just shut the crib and moved to leave the room. As you stepped out, Mando forced his eyes to remain on your face, refusing to look at your exposed legs or the way his shirt seemed to end right beneath your upper thighs.

Softly shutting the door, you walked to the opposite side of the room and knew the Mandalorian must have noticed your need to put as much space between the two of you as possible.

“We need to stop running into each other like this,” you laughed awkwardly and anxiously ringed your fingers, glancing at his visor before turning away and looking everywhere else but him. Okay, so humor wasn’t going to get you out of this situation.

“How’s your head?” You could feel how on edge he was and decided to answer with short and straightforward responses just to avoid any more awkwardness.

“M-much clearer.” You stood in silence until you heard the Mandalorian pushing off of the opposite wall and heading towards you. You didn’t have anywhere to go, eyes snapping to the door right behind him and knowing there was no way you could try to walk around him.

He stopped a couple of feet away from you and you ceased to breathe when you noticed how awfully close he was to you.

“Answer my question.” His voice was dangerously low and you found it difficult to try and think of anything to say when he was giving you no room to breathe.

“I- I did?” Your voice was far from confident and you watched as he gently took off both of his gloves before shoving them into his pockets. Even though he willingly removed them in front of you, you didn’t allow yourself to look at his skin, afraid you’d somehow offend him and his Creed. But then you saw his hand move towards your face, and gasped when you felt his fingers tilting your chin so you were looking into his visor. There was not an inclination of an emotion available to you but you forced yourself to keep your eyes open nonetheless.

“How do you want me to see you Mesh'la?” Mando whispered down to you and you swore his voice was hoarse as he spoke to you but you didn’t allow this moment to get to your head. It would hurt more than anything if…

“It d-doesn’t matter.” You blinked away the tears, wanting to wipe your face before anymore were shed but not finding it in yourself to move away from him. But then you felt his thumb softly rubbing at your wet skin, making you almost lose your composure as soon as he stepped closer in your space until your back hit the wall.

“I’m sorry Cyar'ika,” his chest was inches from your face, cornering you beneath his other arm before leaning down and resting his forehead against yours. You couldn’t breath, not when he was suddenly filling all of your senses as if it was the most natural thing to do. He felt your tears roll around his thumb and couldn’t bear the thought of you crying because of him.

“I’m sorry for making you think you don’t matter...you do, not just to the kid but- but to me as well.” Your knees gave out on you as soon as you heard Mando’s confession, barely managing to grab onto his forearms right before buckling against him. The Mandalorian wasn’t sure if that was the kind of reaction he was looking for but he immediately wrapped his arms around your back and legs before pulling you against his chest. You nuzzled into his chest and kept a tight hold on him as he walked through the dimly lit hallways back to your room. He could feel goosebumps take over the skin of your thighs where he was touching you and tried to distract himself from pushing you down into the middle of the Revenant and taking you right then and there. You deserved more than that.

As he reached the room and laid you on the bed, he felt your fingers clasp onto him harder and when his eyes trailed over your face, he knew you were silently begging him not to leave.

“I’m not going anywhere Ad'ika.” His reassuring tone tugged at your heart and you swallowed the lump in your throat as you watched him walk to the door and shut it behind him before moving to the refresher. You heard him shuffle around and allowed your mind to calm down, knowing very well that Mando wasn’t unkind and wouldn’t lead you on just to leave you. But then he walked out without his beskar armor and you swore you died and joined the stars. His helmet looked odd without his normal clothing and you knew he could probably see you shamelessly ogling him from across the room.

He walked to you and stood to the side, and you realized he was probably nervous. You pushed yourself against the wall and threw back the covers, hoping he’d understand what you wanted of him.

“Can I-”

“Please.” You cut him off before he could finish his question and he took a deep breath before laying on the bed and moving as close to you as possible. Before he could throw the covers over the two of you, you were already laying your head on his chest and wrapping an arm around him, fingers fisting into the soft material of his shirt unintentionally as you felt him relax beneath you.

You weren’t sure how long it’s been but you felt his heart rate finally come back to normal. Hoping you weren’t being too forward with him, you took his hand into yours and brought it to your lips, softly kissing his knuckles before turning his palm over to lay a kiss on his wrist. Mando was losing every ounce of control left in his body and his arm tightened around your back as soon as he felt the tip of your tongue against his hand.

“Pfassk,” you flinched at the rough expletive and raised your head to look at him, finding his visor already tilted down towards you. “I- I’m sorry I’ll stop if-”

“No..n-no, don’t stop. It just- you took me by surprise.” His chest was rising and falling more rapidly and if you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was as affected by this new level of ‘intimacy’ as you were, if not more.

You felt bold at his request, kicking the covers away before sitting up and moving to straddle his thighs. Mando was breathing harshly and mirrored your actions, sitting up against the cool metal of the wall before laying his hands on top of your exposed thighs. He let himself take in the way your skin flushed under his touch and smiled to himself when he continued to inch his smooth hands over your upper thighs until his shirt rid up your legs and revealed the pastel color of your undergarment.

“Cyar'ika…” He sighed when he finally forced himself to meet your eyes and found them dilated until there was barely any color left in them. You wanted to ask him what that word meant but chose to file it for later. Placing your hands on top of his, you smiled down at him before pulling them towards your lips and kissing his palms. Almost instantly, you felt him twitch against you, unable to control himself from bucking his hips against your heated core. You let go of his hands and laid your own on his chest, throwing your head back when you felt his tight grip on your thighs. You could tell he wanted to apologize but gave him no chance to do so, sliding against him until you were sure he was painfully hard beneath you.

“Maker...I- I could almost taste you on my tongue Mando. When you- you left me in here all by myself. I couldn’t sleep, n-not when I could smell you on these covers, not when I could feel you on my skin. I..gods, wanted to kiss you then, and- and I wanted to taste your- you...Please, c-can I? P-please-” You dug your nails into his chest and heard him throw his head back against the wall with every confession you moaned to him. He was never this unhinged and you wished to see him come absolutely undone at your touch.

“A-are you sure?” It pained him to ask but he needed to be sure that you wouldn’t regret this. Regret him.

“Mando, have you not listened to anything I’ve said tonight?” As much as you hated to remind him of the earlier and rather embarrassing events, you wanted him to know just how much he meant to you. You knew he was reluctant to let this relationship move forward and you couldn’t really blame him. This was all new to him. But you also didn’t want to stall, not when the two of you have become so aware of the other’s feelings.

You continued to rub yourself on him, shaking with anticipation when you heard him moan through the vocoder as you pressed yourself more confidently down on him.

“Mesh'la I-” Without warning, you took one of his hands and pushed it to your lips, slowly taking two of his fingers into your mouth and swirling your tongue around them until his moans grew louder. And when he pushed his fingers deeper into your mouth, you gripped his wrist tightly and groaned, making sure he could feel how much you wanted him.

“Y-you’re killing me sweet girl.” He wanted to loosen his hold on you, to take things slow, to not let himself get carried away with you, but he didn’t find it in himself to be gentle because he could feel how wet and needy you were above him and there was no way he was going to waste another second not being close to you.

“Please Mando, I want you, n-need to have you. I can make you feel so good. Please, can I?” You reached down and cupped him through his pants, finding him as hard as the beskar of his armor. He thrust up into your hand and swore violently before taking his hand away from your mouth and fisting it into your hair. You smiled when you felt him push you off of him, whispering something in Mando’a when he saw you pulling his pants down his thighs and throwing them behind you.

You bit your lower lip before moving off of the bed and pushing his legs along with you as well. Mando sat up and forced his hands to remain by his side, afraid his enthusiasm would make him get too rough with you and scare you away. When you laid your hands on his knees and pushed them wide open so you could get comfortable between his legs, Mando’s hands tightened around the covers and he hissed when he saw the way you were eyeing his cock. You were staring at him like he was a piece of meat and he wasn’t sure if he loved it or was embarrassed by it.

“Maker,” you whispered before dragging your nails up and down his thighs, watching as his cock twitched against his stomach every time you got a little aggressive with your touches. Looking up into his visor, you slowly leaned down and took the tip of his cock in your mouth, humming around him as you tasted precum leaking into your taste buds. That seemed to do it for him because one of his hands shot to the back of your head and fisted into your hair while the other moved down until it landed on your hand. He intertwined his fingers with yours and watched as you pulled back and licked the underside of his dick before spitting into your hand and wrapping it around him.

“M-mando, the taste of you,” you took as much of him in your mouth as possible while maintaining eye contact with his helmet, squeezing the base of his cock before reaching down and cupping his balls. Mando swore, involuntarily thrusting into your mouth and watching in awe as he saw a dangerous glint in your eyes right before you clasped his hand harder and somehow managed to take him in deeper. It was such a sight, holding affectionately onto your hand as you brought him to pleasure. Letting go of him with a pop, you laid wet kisses down the length of his cock, licking the protruding veins and smiling when you felt his hold tighten on your hair. “Is absolutely addicting.”

You could tell the exact second he lost all semblance of control because one minute you were kneeling at his feet, and the next thing you knew, Mando was pulling you up by your hair and throwing you beneath him on the bed. You wiped your lips with the back of your hand, watching his muscles flex as he removed his shirt expertly over his helmet. The soft starlight coming through the metal blinds of the window shone onto his skin and you trailed your gaze down his chest, finding the golden brown tone of his scarred body absolutely breathtaking.

“Mando, you’re beautiful.” You saw his hands begin to shake at your compliment, and you knew you’d take every chance you get from now on to tell him how much you adored him. You could hear him breathing through the mask and licked your lips when he looked down and saw the way you were playing with the hem of his shirt. Slowly, you began to pull on the soft material, about to take it off when he held onto your wrists. Your smile faltered for a second and hoped you didn’t somehow misunderstand his intentions.

The last thing Mando wished to see was your body giving away to shyness before him. Pushing your thighs open, he didn’t give you a chance to say anything else as he slid his fingers below the thin undergarment, violently ripping it off of you and discarding it onto the floor. You gasped when you felt him hard and heavy against your slit, taking both of his hands and pulling him towards you until he was only a hairbreadth away. He watched closely as you placed one hand around your throat while the other descended to your breast. You could tell Mando was reluctant to move so much an inch and when you pushed yourself against him, eyes daring him to do as he wishes, he found himself completely overtaken with the thought of you belonging to him and him only. You smiled when you felt the grip on your throat tighten, shutting your eyes and arching your back against him as the other cupped and pinched at your nipples through his shirt.

“If you want me to fuck you tonight, Mesh'la, then you’re going to keep my shirt on.” He could feel you shaking in his arms and smiled to himself at the knowledge of how much he affected you.

“Mando, please…” You would have continued begging him if he asked you to, but then he was moving away from you and leaning towards the window. Keeping your hands clasped to your chest, you watched as he shut the blinds until there wasn’t a single light shining into the room. You could barely see your own hands in the dark and wondered why he was shuffling above you. A soft hissing sound had you tensing in an instant and you ceased to breathe when you heard the faint sound of beskar hitting the ground.

“M-mando?” The question was more reluctant than inquisitive and you didn’t have time to react as you felt him lean against you until you were touching every inch of his skin. You blinked a few times in vain, knowing there was no way you would be able to see anything. But then you felt something soft brush against your cheek and as you turned your head towards him, Mando was molding his lips with yours, swallowing your gasps and sucking on your tongue as soon as you melted into him. He pulled away against his own will, but not before pushing your jaw with his nose until your neck was available to him.

“And my name is Din sweet girl, Din Djarin. It better be the only word you scream tonight as I fuck this pretty little cunt. Understood?” You weren’t sure if it was his deep voice that made you speechless or the fact that he not only took off his helmet for you but willingly told you his name as well. You committed it to memory, hoping this wouldn’t be the only time he took off his helmet around you. You’d always wondered what he sounded like without it, not comprehending that it could be so much sweeter than what you’ve dreamed of. And by the gods, his lips. How were they so soft and gentle? Maker, he had a stubble too, not a rough one but just long enough to tickle your neck as he kissed and nipped at your clavicle.

“Answer me Ad'ika.” He bit your shoulder to grab your attention once more, chuckling above you when you nodded frantically against him.

“You’re so soft Cyar'ika, I- I want to kiss every inch of your skin.” As much as you loved making him lose his mind at your touch, you had to admit you enjoyed him much more when he was in control. You smiled when he kissed along your shoulder before pushing down his shirt far enough to expose your breasts. Din bit down on his lower lip to contain himself, but then you were arching your back and pushing yourself into him and he couldn’t hold back. He kissed down your sternum, waiting until you relaxed in his arms before assaulting your nipples. You screamed his name as you felt his teeth tug on your nipple, hands shooting to his hair when you felt him grope and pull on the other.

“Din, oh ma-maker- your mouth is...f-fuck.” You could tell he was smiling as he aggressively licked the hardened bud before sucking on it again. Din pushed his cock against your wet slit, growling when you pulled on his hair and cried his name like a sweet prayer.

“I could smell your cunt sweet girl, so fucking wet and hot and ready for me.” Din pulled back and cornered you between his arms, bucking his hips into you until you were a needy and moaning mess beneath him. “Woke up countless times in this bed...hard and aching at the mere thought of you...d-dreaming of having you in my arms, wanting to sink into you, f-fuck you on every inch of this ship.”

“Din, please...I need you.”

The way you clawed at his back broke him and before he knew what he was doing, he was flipping you on your stomach and raising your hips against him.

“I need to have you Mesh'la.” Din leaned down and swiped your hair to the side, whispering the filthiest things in your ears as he took hold of his cock and rubbed it against your heat.

“I’m yours Din, do what you want. Fuck me, ruin me...cum in me if you wish. Just p-please-”

You made it sound so simple, trusting him. It was an odd feeling to know how easily you were giving yourself to him. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, not after what you said tonight. But something about the way you offered yourself to him, especially with that last request, had him seeing stars.

Leaning down until his chest was sliding against your back, the Mandalorian held you against him with one arm across your front while he slowly slipped into your wet cunt. You sighed in unison, and Din felt a sense of pride fill his chest when you dug your nails into his arm while your legs began to shake beneath him.

“You’re a dream Cyar'ika, the best f-fucking dream I could ever have. And you’re all mine.”

“Y-yes, yours. I’ve always been yours, oh gods Din please, move. M-move.” You were babbling at this point but couldn’t find it in yourself to care, turning your head to the side just to feel him breathe against your cheek. His stubble rubbed deliciously at your heated and sensitive skin, and you would tell him later that you hoped he’d mirror those actions but elsewhere.

“So tight darling, I- you’re everything. The things I- uhhh, the thing I want to do to you.” Din achingly pulled out before snapping into you again, biting down on your shoulder when you clenched violently around him.

“Din, oh Din-” You wished you could tell him how good he felt, how much he filled you, how often you craved having him inside you and how much you were losing it now that he was. But you couldn’t find a single word, not when he was fucking you like you were it for him.

The normally quiet man was groaning and hissing above you, pulling you along with him as he sat up and continued to fuck you relentlessly. You reached back and held his head against your neck, crying in pain and pleasure when he picked up the pace and his hold on your hip tightened. You were sure there would be bruise marks the next day but you couldn’t tell him to slow down or be a little less aggressive, not when you finally had him where you’ve wanted for so long.

“Fuck, fuck….sweet girl, did- did you mean it?” He was asking you something and you didn’t really pay attention to him, focusing on the way he deliciously dragged against your tight walls over and over again. Din knew it wasn’t fair to ask you anything right now but he had to know. Needed to.

He stopped his movement all together, sinking as deep into you as possible and tightening his grip on your throat.

“Pfassk...answer me darling.” Din whispered into your ears and reached down to where you were joined, softly slapping your clit until you twitched and begged him to repeat his words again.

“I said, did you fucking mean it when- kriffing hell, when you said I could...c-cum in you?” He was reluctant to ask but there was no point in denying either of you.

“Yes, gods yes. I told you Din, d-do what you want with me.” You forcibly loosened the fingers around your throat and brought them to your lips, biting the palm of his hand as he resumed thrusting into you.

“Mesh'la...you’re such a sweet girl, letting me b-breed you...taking my cock so well, letting me fill you up. You were made for me darling. This cunt, this sweetest and tightest kriffing pussy was made for my cock.” He pronounced each word with a harsh push of his hips and you smiled when you heard how low his voice suddenly became. The sounds of skin slapping on skin filled the room and you hoped the child wouldn’t wake up from how loud the two of you were being.

“You’re mine darling. Won’t let anyone else touch you...fucking look at you even. Maker I- I almost lost it tonight in the cantina.” There was a hint of self-consciousness in his words and you hoped he didn’t think you could ever replace him.

“D-din..” You wanted to tell him no one else would compare but he didn’t give you a chance.

“Talking about me like I- fuck, like I didn’t care about you, like I don’t picture you coming on my cock every waking moment of my day. And flirting with him in my shirt...my kriffing shirt. I almost lost it when he put his hands on you sweet girl.” You weren’t sure if he had somehow become harder inside you or if it was his words that made you attuned to the feeling of him pushing into your cunt but you turned your head and kissed his cheeks, hoping he’d understand what you were trying to tell him with your touches.

“You’re the only one f-for me.” Din let go of your neck and held onto your hips, no longer caring about how rough he was being with you. Your heavy sighs were the only warning he had right before your tight walls convulsed around his dick and he continued to fuck you through your orgasm, falling on top of you and bucking his hips slowly into your cunt until you begged him to slow down.

“Cyare, ah pfassk, that’s it. Keep squeezing me darling. I’m so close, so close. Ah fuck, you’re mine. Mine, not letting you go. N-never letting you go. Oh maker...ner runi...ner. Ner. Riduur. My sweet girl...riduur.” Din didn’t realize what he’d said until the words were left hanging in the air and he felt a rush of relief wash over him as he finally admitted how he felt about you.

“Din, I lo- ahh gods please.” He silenced your screams with his hand, losing his rhythm as he came in hot spurts of cum inside you. Din bit down onto your shoulder just as you bit on the palm of his hand, continuing to push his seed deep inside you until he felt you a mixture of your juices seeping out of you. Neither of you moved for a few moments, relishing the way you fit so perfectly with each other. You could feel him breathing heavily against your back and smiled with pride when you realized you were the only one that got to see him like this.

Din didn’t want to stop touching you, falling to the side and grabbing your flush to him only to hiss when you unintentionally clenched around his softening cock. You kissed his wrist as he pulled the covers over the two of you, not bothering to move a muscle mostly because you knew he didn’t wish for you to leave him.

He kissed along the bruised ridges of your shoulders, drawing circles on your navel and smiling when you giggled beneath him.

“I wasn’t too rough with you was I?” He asked embarrassingly, not knowing what he’d do if you said yes.

“You were perfect Din...you- you are perfect.” You turned your head far enough in hopes of catching his attention, letting out a deep breath when he leaned over and captured your lips in a chaste kiss. He was so soft and you didn’t know which side of him you enjoyed more but you were sure you wanted to get to know him, all of him. His likes and dislikes.

“Far from it Mesh'la. I...I went to the lower deck and saw where you’ve been sleeping.”

“Oh…”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Din rose on his elbow, seeking your hands in the dark and holding onto your fingers as he raised your hand to his mouth and kissed along your hand.

“I- I didn’t want to make you think you weren’t welcome. Peli told me about the Creed and well, there isn’t any sort of privacy down there really. And the kid would’ve been cold. I know how much he likes to cuddle next to you when he sleeps.”

“But you’ve been-”

“I’ve slept in worse conditions, believe me.” He didn’t say anything else in response but you knew he was very much thinking about it.

“Din, I wouldn’t change a single moment. Not one. Because each one led me here, to this bed, in your arms. I would relive every mission and every cold night and every awkward conversation again if I knew I’d end up here with you. You’re the closest thing I have to a..a-”

“Family.” He broke the silence before lying back down and pulling you as close to him as possible.

“Promise me you won’t get drunk by yourself in a cantina again.” You wished you didn’t laugh out loud at the random request because Din swore behind you before his grip loosened a bit.

“I’m sorry I...I didn’t mean to laugh. It’s just, here I am pouring my heart out and the only thing you could follow up with was that.” When he didn’t say anything in return, you grabbed his arm and pulled him back to you. “And yes, I promise not to get drunk in a cantina by myself ever again.”

“Good.”

“But I can’t really make any promises about not flirting with anyone because if it means I get to have you all hot and bothered then-”

“Sweet girl, you’re going to regret ever thinking of that…”

Translations:

Sleemo - This Huttese insult was pronounced slay-mo and translated as "slimeball," a rude insult.

Ad'ika - Little one

Mesh'la - Beautiful

Cyar'ika - Darling/Sweetheart

Pfassk - An adaptable expletive

Cyare - Beloved

Ner - Mine.

Runi - soul; only used poetically

Riduur - partner, spouse, husband/wife

#The Mandalorian fanfiction #The Mandalorian x Reader #The Mandalorian smut #mando x reader #Mando smut #Mando fanfiction #Din Djarin x Reader #Din Djarin smut #Din Djarin fanfiction #The Mandalorian #Din Djarin #Pedro Pascal #star wars #star wars fanfiction #baby yoda #grogu

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liibrii · 3 years

Text

Miya!Reader x Miyas

Synopsis: Nothing simpler than grocery shopping. Right?

wc: 1.2k

a part of The third Miya series

a/n: Miyas are pure chaos and I’m here for it. If you wanna be tagged in the coming scribbles lemme know and as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

One thing was sure; every single time you were sent to get groceries Osamu got lost somewhere between entering the store and the first shelf. Years of being used to it and you still worry, knowing better than anyone he always follows his nose rather than his eyes; though ever since the mango incident you'd rather no one knew you are related.

And after all, he is like a cat, aloof and distant until food came into picture and he winds his way between your legs till he either gets what he wants or you end up flat on your face. And he still gets what he wants.

Atsumu on the other hand, is a parrot. A colourful, obnoxiously loud parrot who always wants whatever is in your hands, not caring what you knock over trying to keep your small treasures from his grabby little claws. Or, hands.

The current treasure in question being the shopping list. It's been a long time since you stood a chance against Atsumu when it came to pure pulling strength and the unfortunate victim to experience it is, well are, the two pieces of paper in yours and his hand. “Great,“ you say, “if we forget to buy anythin' I'm blamin' ya.“

“This wouldn't have happened if ya just gave me the damn paper in the first place,“ huffs Atsumu.

You stuff the torn piece of paper in your pocket. “Where's Samu?“

“What am I? His babysitter?“

“No, that honour would be mine,“ you dead pan to his snarky question. Throwing a quick glance up and down the aisle you fail to notice your other brother between the customers. Well, whatever. He'll show up sooner or later. So you return your attention to tooth paste. Dad likes the blue one. Only there are at least four different blue ones.

“Just take the cheapest.“

“That one's digustin’.“

“If we buy the cheaper stuff we'll have more money left over to buy snacks!“

“Ooo,“ your eyes widen as you do the quick math, “Tsumu yer so smart!“ You grab two of the cheapest tubes. “Maybe we can even get Samu-nii to make us some onigiri...“ The mere thought of them makes your mouth water.

“Samu-nii?“ he frowns. “Ya never call me that.“

“Ya lost that privilege when ya framed me for eatin' his puddin'. We should get some hair dye too. Yer roots are starting to show.“ No way are you going to let your brother walk around with roots showing. Oh no. Not under your watch.“Maybe some purple shampoo but I don't see it anywhere...“

“What for?“

“So we can get ya a real nice platinum colour.“

“Nah, I like the one I have.“

You straighten up and give him a look of disbelief. “It's yellow.“

“Gold! It's gold! 'Cause I'm a champion!“

Right. “Whatever you need to tell yerself little brother.“

While he hisses back insults, because he's the oldest and how dare you disrespect him in the 7-Eleven of all places, you try to remember what the next thing on the shopping list was. Shampoo, right, check, dad's favourite shaving cream is already in the cart, as is deodorant you've gotten in a fight over with Atsumu just a minute ago (“I want this one!“

“Tsumu this one stinks like a teenage boy who hasn't showered in a week.“

“I AM A TEENAGE BOY!”). You should take one for Osamu too. Their morning squabbles weren't how you liked starting your day, not that a single deodorant would stop that but one can dream, right? Speaking of which, slowly it would be time to start looking for your always hungry triplet. Still ignoring Atsumu you head towards the food section.

Here's the thing about parrots. Just like cats they want attention when you have something more important to do. A cat will nudge you, lay over your books or keyboard or whatever you might be doing at the moment, maybe dug its claws in your leg or just straight up refuse to leave no matter how many times you push it away. A parrot on the other hand, will perch itself on your shoulder and scream till you give it what it wants.

That's what Atsumu is doing at the moment. Well, not the screaming part, though his blabbering is just as annoying. He's leaning on your shoulder, flicking your ear while you compare the prices of bonito flakes. “Stop that.“

“I'm gonna get chips.“

“Wait for-“

He's already walking away, pushing the cart and whistling, so you roll your eyes and return your attention back to the packages. Which one did mom say tasted weird again?

Here's another thing about parrots. As innocent as they may look to some, they do love creating this thing called chaos. And here's the thing about chaos. Unlike some other things it's worse in small dosages, because in small dosages it's funny. For example, a parrot filling your shoe with sunflower seeds.

Or a golden haired boy filling the shopping cart with bags of chips. There's barely enough space for those three packages in your arms.

“Mom's gonna go ballistic if we buy so much chips,“ you say looking at Atsumu trying to stuff one more bag in the cart.

“We'll just pay separately.“

Oh right. You could do that. And this time not fail to forget taking the receipt out of the bag before dad finds it. While Atsumu tries to decide which package of crab chips to take next (as if he could cram one more in the cart) you sneak in some small packets of super sour candy. For later. You never knew when Samu will itch and go through your secret stash.

As if he smelled you're collecting ingredients for a trap his gray hair appears on the other side of the aisle. “What's with all that?“ he asks when he sees half the cart is filled with snacks.

“Supplies.“

Osamu puts his hands in pockets. “Put them back.“

You blink. Twice. Then glance over at Atsumu who looks just as shocked as you. He narrows his eyes and pinches Osamu's cheek. “Ya feelin' alright Samu? Got fever?“ Osamu swats his hand away. “Who are ya and what have ya done with our brother?“

And his hands are empty too... The only time Osamu didn't come back carrying a bunch of food was when you were shopping at a shoe store.

“If we don't buy snacks we can get sushi,“ he says with an expression that clearly asks how you two idiots couldn't work that out on your own.

“Oooo,“ both your and Atsumu's eyes widen in awe. You could get sushi. You both look at all the tasty, tasty snacks in the cart. Sushi... Or maybe ramen. A new restaurant did open up the street just last month. But then you'll have no goodies for later... But it's sushi.

“Alright, I'll get these back!“ Atsumu grabs the bags and stacks them back on the shelf.

“Hey! I haven't agreed yet!“ you protest.

Osamu pats your shoulder. “Two to one.“

You roll your eyes. It wasn't the rule of 'two over one' overruling whatever your answer was going to be, it was more you hate being the losing one. Even when you get a reward. Even when the reward is tasty food.

At least mom's paying.

tagging: @espressons

#Miya Atsumu #miya osamu #miya twins #hqcorenet #miya atsumu x reader #osamu x reader #miya osamu x reader #atsumu x platonic!reader #osamu x platonic!reader #hq #haikyuu #haikyuu fanfic #inarizaki #the third miya #libri scribbles #can u tell I've been reading Terry Pratchett?

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shortkingvi · 3 years

Note

baked alaska + trust 💕

sdbsgcvgsdvsg this got longer than i thought it would but i love them so here:

A scenario where Yang tackles Neo to save Ruby and they’re the only ones who fall, and all the trust that comes out of being stuck on an island with the person you thought you hated most.

OR, baked alaska share a bed.

Three days. That’s how long Yang had been walking before she stumbled upon another person on the island. Or at least, that’s how long she thought it had been; time moved differently here, the two suns setting at different times and the moon never seeming to reach its peak every night. Regardless, Yang kept time as best as she could, setting up a makeshift home and making tally marks on the wall.

In those three days, she was alone. Miserably, horribly, terribly alone. She woke, ate, walked, and slept, trying to find a way out but losing hope with each day that passed.

Alone. That wasn’t totally true though, was it? She might have been lonely, sure, but she certainly wasn’t alone and she knew that. She was out there; Yang had lost hold of her as they fell and she levelled a solid punch to Yang’s eye, but she knew she was somewhere on the island too.

Neo. Of all the people she could have fallen with, it had to be her. The one person who had gotten the better of Yang in a fight - kicked my ass and made my mom come save me, more like, Yang thought - and the last person she’d ever want to be stuck on the island with. Which was why it was all the more annoying when, after three days of successful dodging, they finally crossed paths.

They froze for a moment, Neo still clutching the fruit she had been collecting and Yang brandishing the driftwood in her hand like it was a weapon. Sizing each other up, they began to step forward.

“Listen,” Yang started, “I don’t trust you in the slightest, and I know you don’t trust me. But we’re stuck on this shitty island together and it’s your fault, so why don’t we call a truce and try to get out of here?”

Neo’s eyes blazed, before her form crystallized and suddenly Ruby was standing before Yang.

Yang scoffed. “You’re not seriously trying to suggest it’s Ruby’s fault we’re here? Why, because she wouldn’t die when you tried to kill her? You’ve got a lot of anger in that little body of yours.”

Shifting back to normal, Neo rolled her eyes before jerking her head back towards the jungle, tossing her a mango and gesturing for Yang to follow her.

So, no not an alliance exactly, but definitely a start.

++++

It had been two weeks since that day and, dare Yang say it, she and Neo had struck up an unlikely friendship. They had managed to figure out that the island was being fed by the big tree in the center, the proverbial doorway out if Neo was to be believed. They planned and plotted, building up defenses and learning as much about the island as it knew about them.

And oh did it know about them.

The nightmares came for both of them; after months of nothing, Yang was suddenly being haunted by the ghost of Adam again. His eyes would burn into hers and she would wake up screaming, thrashing violently and ripping Neo out of her slumber a few feet away. Most nights, Neo would roll her eyes and turn over on her cot as Yang tried desperately to catch her breath; on other nights, she was awake already, sitting up wide eyed and shaking out of it the moment Yang’s eyes settled curiously on hers.

One night, however, Yang was up well past her usual bedtime, tossing and turning and worrying about the friends she had left behind. As she began to sit up and slip her boots on her feet to head out for a walk, Neo began to stir. Yang listened as her breathing picked up and she began to move on her cot; her legs jerked and her hands clutched at the thin layer of palm leaves that made up her makeshift bed. Suddenly, Neo gasped and sat up, breathing rapidly and shaking like a leaf. She was small, there was no denying that, but in that moment she looked miniscule, a little girl broken down by the world and never offered a way back to safety.

Yang was up and over to her bed in a second, reaching an arm out and settling it on Neo’s shoulder. Neo flinched and stiffened at the touch, turning to look at Yang in shock before seemingly registering who she was.

“You get them too, huh?” Yang whispered. “The nightmares I mean, you get them too. What was it about?”

Neo’s face hardened before she let out a breath and began to shift. A brown haired woman appeared in front of Yang, sporting the same wide eyed look Yang saw in Neo’s eyes every time they looked at each other.

“Your mom? Is that who that is?”

Neo shifted back, nodding and wiping at a tear that slipped out. Two weeks on this island and all of a sudden Yang was faced with just how similar the two were. And maybe, just maybe, all Neo had been after all these years was love.

“I can’t bring your mom back, just like you can’t bring back mine, but we can be here for each other. For now at least. If… if it’s what you want, I’ll stay with you for the night. It’s always helped me when… when someone would lie with me after a nightmare.”

Neo looked at Yang, and then at the floor. She thought hard for a few moments before her shoulders sagged and she sighed. She was so tired, Yang noted, feeling Neo take her hand and pull her backwards to lie on the bed.

Settling in on her back, Yang pulled Neo towards her, feeling the smaller woman tense before resting her head on Yang’s shoulder and closing her eyes.

So no, not an alliance, but maybe a friendship. And no, not trust, but maybe the beginning of something more. Something new, Yang thought as she closed her eyes and shared their first night of restful sleep since either of them had landed on the island all those weeks ago.

#girlbosssalem writes sometimes #baked alaska #yang xiao long #neopolitan #might cross post these on ao3 if i like em enough #asks #lightsaroundyourvanity

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plush-rabbit · 4 years

Text

Can I Ask You Something?

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |

You were online a week later.

It was a boring day, with a slow start and by night, you were starting to feel restless, your feet bouncing and an empty bag of chips rests on your nightstand. You were itching for something to do, anything to distract but no show or game could hold your attention. You throw your head back and gnaw at your bottom lip.

Your fingers tap against the keyboard, and with a glance at the time, you pull up the calendar for the group time slots and with a fairly positive outlook that that you wouldn’t run into the other team members, you booted up the game, and started a simple mission but even then your attention couldn’t be held. The game had already lost its spark for you.

You admit that you reacted childishly in response to being yelled at. You were always sensitive, you cried too much and took everything personally even if you tried not to but for some reason it just hit different when he had yelled at you.

You were so angry with him at the time. But when you awoke the next day, you were angry with yourself. You made that dumb post and now you had to hold off for a month to show that his words didn’t hurt you- you had a point to prove, you didn’t want to seem as someone who reacted so childishly.

You thought you would miss the game but having not played for a period of time, you were starting to enjoy your time. You slept a bit earlier, your back wasn’t sore from hunching over and you had started to pick up old hobbies that you dropped when you got sucked into this game. Picking it back up, the game no longer felt the same. You remember you could get lost in this game for hours, you liked the customization options, the weapons, and the soundtrack was pretty good, but for now as you wandered around a forest, looking for a crystal that wouldn’t be of any real use to you seeing as you had already decided to quit the game for good, you were grateful for the distraction.

But as the clock ticked on, you had already grown bored, feeling your joints become sore and a headache forming. You were about to exit out of the game and pray that none of the members would see that you were active but then a ‘ding’ startled you awake. You peeked at the corner of the screen, a familiar icon popping up. You frowned, your shoulders slumped and you debated with yourself on whether you should open the message or not but your curiosity won over.

>Are you quitting the game or not?

“Blunt as always,” you thought to yourself, your fingers already typing at the keyboard.

<User_Name>

>Yeah:P

His reply came a second later.

>Why?

You wanted to type, “Why do you care?” You really did. You had the words on screen, the cursor blinking back at you, but you couldn’t force yourself to press the ‘Enter’ key. The corner of your mouth twitched and you backspaced, the message disappearing and replaced by another.

<User_Name>

>I don’t know. I’m kinda sick of it, you know? The user base is p toxic and I know that can be said for most games but I don’t know┐(´～｀)┌

>Plus after taking a break and coming back to it,,, the game doesn’t feel the same anymore

>I’m kind of bored of it

>That’s stupid

You let of a scoff, rolling your eyes at his answer.

<User_Name>

>I have been known to be pretty dumb

>I’m sure you’ve called me stupid before too lol

You watch as the three dots bubble up and down the screen, signifying his reply is being typed out and having no other form of entertainment, you take in a deep breath and with butterflies flapping around in your stomach, you type out more before he can reply to your original message.

>Will you be fine without me?

>You won’t miss your bestest pal uwu

On the other side of the screen, Shigaraki narrows his eyes. His eyes shine dangerously, and he’s positive if you knew who were talking to, you’d be shaking and begging for you life. Or perhaps you’d be dead. He’s not sure.

>I have better ‘friends’ than you

“Ouch.” You cringe inwardly. “Strike one.”

<User_Name>

>Wow, rude much??

>Well if I’m quitting, do you want my stuff? I’ve racked up a decent amount of gold and other stuff:P

“I sound like I’m dying and writing my will, stop being weird about it. You never even meet the dude,” you mumble to yourself, grateful that the voice chat function was off. “Oh my god. He could be like super old or something”

>Does it look like I take handouts?

“Is that a strike two?” You chewed on the idea of your cheek. “If I have to ask, it probably was.”

<User_Name>

Can I ask you something?

You just did

<User_Name>

:////

You were about to type out your question, the four words staring back at you unblinking. It would be weird, right? Of course it would be. And even if you did ask him that, the odds of him accepting would be slim. Plus, if he did reject, that would be strike three and you really didn’t want to strike out so much.

>Well?

<User_Name>

>Um,,,

>How old are you?

You threw your head into your hands and let out an agonized moan. Maybe you should just delete your account now. You don’t even know the guy’s name and he doesn’t know yours. So you could just delete your account and that would be it. You’d never have to speak to him ever again.

>You’re weird

You start laughing.

<User_Name>

>Says the guy who would tell other players to be careful who they’re talking to

>Who are you? Light Yagami?

>That’s a shit reference

<User_Name>

>You got it tho

>(ʃƪ¬‿¬)

>Why do you want to know?

“You have nothing to lose really,” you try to convince yourself as a way to just get to talk to him more.

<User_Name>

>I don’t know

>After a while, I always thought of you as a friend

>The other members sorta liked me, but I think it was more of them putting up with me

>But I thought we were beginning to form a friendship so I don’t know

>I guess a dumb part of me thought we could’ve been friends outside of the game:P

Shigaraki stares at the screen in disbelief. You must not have much or any friends at all if you thought he was being friendly. He’s positive that he would kill you if he knew you in real life. Probably right away if he met you on the street or maybe he’d take you as a hostage. He’s sure that he’d kill you but now he’s not sure when.

>You really are dumb

<User_Name>

>I can’t tell if you mean it or not

>Knowing you, you probably do

>Can I say good-bye to you? Like facecam wise?

He’d kill you on sight.

<User_Name>

>You don’t have to turn your camera on!! I guess, as my last like dumb wish, I wanna say bye?

>Pleaseee（/｡＼)

>I’ll promise to log out afterwards

Shigaraki stares at your messages, trying to gauge at what you’re trying to get at. Do you really want to just say bye? Who the hell gets so emotional in a fucking game? But he would be lying is he said he wasn’t at least a bit curious to see what you look like. Maybe if he’s lucky you’ll be attractive and he could probably jerk at the thought of you before he goes to bed.

>I’m not showing my face

You smile at his answer. It’s the best that you were hoping for and you start to brush your hair out of your face, checking the mirror on your nightstand to see if you look presentable.

<User_Name>

>Fine by me

>It’ll be quick, promise:)

And soon he’s staring at the pop-up screen asking if he’d like to request a video call from you. He’s tempted to click no. He cranes his head behind him and once he’s certain that the door is closed, he accepts your call.

You pop up on screen. You’re cute, that’s as much as he’s willing to admit. You adjusting yourself, putting a strand of hair behind your ear before you realize that the call has been accepted. You look startled, and a shade of pink fills in your cheeks. You giggle nervously, waving a hand at the screen.

“Ahaha, hi!” You giggle nervously and he’s pretty sure you’re already regretting this decision. “So like I promised to keep this short and all, so I will.” You looked determined; you stand a bit straighter and take in a deep breath. You remind him of an anime character, someone with exaggerated movements and he’s positive that you’ve confessed your feelings to someone before in that same action.

“Now, now,” his voice freezes you in place, he reminds me you of snake, slithering towards their unassuming prey and you’re pretty sure that’s what he’s trying to convey, “what’s the rush? I thought we were “bestest friends”.” His voice is sickly sweet, taunting you with words that you’ve spoken. His words make you nervous, your hands clenching together and your stomach forming knots.

And suddenly it’s clicked in your mind that he wants to make you feel uncomfortable. He’s probably getting off at the thought of it. And while he is succeeding at that, you don’t want to lose whatever game he’s playing.

“Ha! You admitted it.” You swallow the lump in your throat and flex your fingers. “Okay bestie,” the way you say the word is like you’re trying to bait him into something, and even you’re not sure what you’re leading him into, “I gotta ask. Are you an old man? You sound kind of creepy. Not like a pervy creepy but like you’re gonna kidnap me and murder me in your basement kind of creepy.”

He laughs and you decide that you want to hear more of it- even if it does sound eerie.

“Do me a favor? If you do end up kidnapping me, can you at least bring me a smoothie from BlueBird’s?” You test out your luck, hoping that he’ll play along so you’re not the only talking and maybe it’ll disrupt whatever ruse he was planning.

“What flavor?” He sneered, playing at this sick roleplay that you made up.

You smiled brightly, as if you had gotten one over him, and surprisingly, he didn’t hate your smile. He’s seen all sorts of smiles directed towards him- crazed, trying to get into his good graces, smiles that held murderous intent but yours just looked happy, happy that you were talking to him. Illuminated by a yellow glow, his sneer looks more twisted, his upper lip curling in a twisted way and crimson eyes narrowed with revulsion.

“Mango, please and thank you.” You nodded your head, your smile wasn’t gentle as it was before, it was now playful, as if you wanted to continue this whole kidnapping scenario. He wanted to see how long this conversation would go before you said goodbye. For good. “Anyways, I said I’d make this quick and I will. I—”

“I’m not an old man.”

You laughed at his answer, covering your smile with your hand, and you looked up at him, your eyes brimming with mischief and excitement.

“Okay. And I’m not some elderly person either.”

“Yeah dumbass, I can see that.”

You crossed your arms and you continued to smile at him. “I get that we’re besties and all, but do you really have to keep insulting me?” You pouted your lips, before they broke out into a toothy smile, it was a bit forced but it was only to show that you were joking around with him.

“Is there any other type of friendship?” He genuinely sounded a bit curious.

“Mm, maybe?” You tilted you head to the side and he had a fleeting thought that you reminded him of a cat. “I mean, when I’m with my friends, we joke a lot but we don’t really insult each other too often.” You frowned a bit, your eyebrows furrowed before returning to the screen, giving out a half smile and shrugging your shoulders. “Thin skin, I guess.” A pause was in the air, too uncomfortable for your liking. “Are your friendships like that? Insulting, I mean.”

He hesitated for a second before replying, his voice drenched in fake nonchalance, “That’s a dumb question.”

You took that as a clue to not dwell on the subject any longer. You nodded to yourself forgetting that you were screen, only to hear him chortle on the other side.

“Are you agreeing that it’s a dumb question?”

You stretched your mouth into a nervous smile, heat lighting your cheeks as you racked your brain for a solid excuse on why you nodded to yourself. “Um, yeah?” You didn’t sound confident in the slightest but Shigaraki was curious on how you would save your own skin this time even if this conversation was rather dull. “Like, I guess it would make sense that you said that.” You brought your hands up, and shrugged them, your fingers curling inwards. “It was you who like really enforced the rule about not talking about your personal life so it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to talk about your IRL friend groups.” You leaned further back, your pillows providing comfort against the hard wood that was your bed frame.

No noise came from him other than that of fabric being moved around and scratching at the microphone. “Did you really just say ‘IRL’ instead of ‘in real life’?” He sounded smug about it, as if he had proof that you were a total dweeb. “I never took you for one of those people.” He said ‘those people’ as if it left a sour taste in his mouth.

You let out a nervous laugh, before it grew into a snicker with your eyes shut. “First of all, ‘IRL” is faster to say compared to ‘in real life’ so jot that down. Second of all,” you tilted your chin upwards, giving you a false sense of superiority, “you’re the only always going on about “eat shit and die” and “suck my dick”,” your voice dropped an octave, a poor imitation of the man who hide behind a black screen. “So if I’m one of those people, then you’re like the poster boy of a gamer gatekeeper.”

“It’s not my fault other players are shit.” He breathed out.

“Oh yeah, the other players are shit; it totally isn’t you acting better than everyone.” You rolled your eyes, shaking your head, your tone teasing.

“I’m glad you agree,” he replied, letting out huffs of air through his nose.

It grew silent once more, and this time you weren’t uncomfortable with it, it had actually felt nice. Comfortable, even. Well at least as comfortable as it could get when you couldn’t see the other game but he could see you and all your mannerisms. You clasped your hands together, intertwining them, your attention focused on the black that took up nearly all of your screen, save for your own square that held you on the left hand corner.

“I think,” you started out, the words heavy on your lips, “I think I’m ready to say goodbye.” Once you started, you couldn’t stop. A part of you wished he would interrupt and maybe ask for your email or phone number so you could continue to keep in contact, but you knew that wouldn’t happen. Whatever this was, this odd one-sided friendship, stayed and died here. “It was fun talking to you. Even if you were a dick.” You gave the man a smile, you hoped that it was seen as happy, teasing one. “I liked this one-sided friendship. Even if it hadn’t lasted for long.” You bite down on your lips, your teeth dragging against your dry, bottom lip and you reached over to your nightstand, grabbing your chapstick, rubbing the tube with your fingers before clenching it in one hand. “It was nice knowing you Tomaraki. Take care, okay?”

You didn’t wait for his reply- you knew that you wouldn’t get one. You scrolled your mouse of to the telephone outline, and as you were about to click it, his voice rasped out, telling you to wait. Startled you pulled back, the mouse jerked downwards, moving past the outline and you stared at him, eyes wide and head cocked to the side, waiting for him to speak further.

He hadn’t known why he shouted for you to wait. He didn’t even want to talk to you in the first place, it was your promise that you would leave him alone that even convinced him to accept your request but here he was, barking at you to wait as you stared at him with owlish eyes and a closed mouth as you gave him the floor to speak. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know why he sounded so frantic at the thought of you leaving and then quitting the game, any form of communication getting erased within minutes.

“I,” he started out, grateful that the screen was black on his end, his hands coming up to pick at his neck, “What’s that?” He was going to kick himself later, he was sure of it.

You tilted your head, your eyes narrowing before landing on the tube in your hand. “This?” You held the tube upright, a confused smile gracing your features. “It’s chapstick. It’s uh-” you turned the tube over, looking for the label where it stated its flavor- “It’s vanilla honey flavored.” You opened the tube and rubbed the chapstick on your lips, smacking them together. “Why? You looking for recommendations?”

He decided to go for a truth, knowing that it wouldn’t give anything away. “I have dry lips.”

“Oh.” You pursed your lips, and you scratched at the area where your jawline meets your neck. “I’m not knowledgeable about the different types of chapsticks, I usually like to get the ones that have a nice flavor. I had this peppermint one but I lost it. Are you drinking enough water? That should help too. You could also try lip scrubs. You don’t have to buy them, you could always make them at home but you’d need brown sugar for a rougher feel.” You rambled on, moving your hands around, and his eyes stayed trained at your moving hands, your voice growing distant. He could only hum in response as you continued to talk and mention stores that sold lip scrubs.

“Uh, Toma? You there?” You asked, your hands clenching and bringing them closer to your chest.

He raised his eyebrows at the sound of a nickname. “Toma?”

“Hah, uh yeah. Tomaraki is too long, I mean unless you want me to call you something else?” You seemed invested with continuing the conversation and he could understand why. You always craved attention- always undermined your skills, all so someone could praise you. But why did he want to continue this conversation? Was it simply because he had someone talk to him about mundane things, things that didn’t carry so much weight? Was it because you treated him as if he were a person first, rather than a villain?

“No. No I don’t mind.” His voice came out softer than he expecting, than you were expecting given that your eyes widen, your mouth pulled into an ‘o’ shape before you smiled gently at him, your lips turning slightly upwards.

“Okay.” You held your breath for a second. “Do you wanna call me by my name?” Your voice was soft, matching his tone from earlier.

He wanted to snap at you, asking why he would even want to but he couldn’t bring himself to. He didn’t know how to answer you without snapping. But you took pity on him, his silence deafening and you told him your name, you voice sweet and heating him up from within, the heat pooling in his stomach before travelling upwards into his chest, a momentary blast of warmth before it faded away. He tested your name on his tongue, the word heavy and foreign on his tongue. He repeated your name, the odd feeling being replaced by familiarity.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.” You smiled, your tone playful but still soft, as you sank deeper into your mattress, your legs aching in protest from being in a still position for so long.

He didn’t have a comeback. He remained silent, repeating your name in his head, the tone of your voice when you asked him if he had wanted to know and when you spoke it, invading all of his thoughts.

“You know,” you started out, stifling a yawn behind a hand, “if you had wanted to continue this conversation you could’ve just said so. I don’t mind talking to you.”

“You’re tired.” He opted to avoid confirming or denying your accusation.

“It’s late, of course I’m tired.” He suddenly took notice of the way your eyes were starting to droop, how your eyes would widen, forcing them to stay open.

“You should go to bed.” His voice was stiff, he didn’t want to continue this conversation but he saw you frown, your lips downturned, noticing the difference in tone but you quickly smiled, any features of disappointment being erased.

“But this conversation was just getting good,” You whined, another yawn coming out, tears pricking your eyes. “Hey, I got a dumb idea,” you said.

“All your ideas are dumb,” he muttered underneath his breath, missing the fall of your face that disappeared before he could turn back.

“You want my number?” You ran a hand through your hair, swallowing deeply, your mouth suddenly dry and the chapstick on your lips too heavy. “If you want, of course. You don’t have to exchange yours. But you aren’t obligated to reply to me either. Obviously.”

He hesitated to answer; both to see you squirm in your seat but also because he was unsure. Did he want to continue this friendship that would only end sour, that wouldn’t progress further than what it already was. He reasoned to himself that if the friendship was going to stay stagnated, what was the harm of saying yes? What was the harm of talking to you a bit longer?

He nodded his head, only to realize that you couldn’t see him. The only reason you weren’t reporting him to the police, calling and screaming for heroes was because you couldn’t see him. A hand reached over to grab Father, his other hand tugging at the skin on his neck, feeling the cold air of the room sting at the raw flesh. Your reaction to his answer gave him an odd sense of pride on how you had swelled up, giving him a wide grin, the smile reaching your eyes and you sat up straighter, asking him if he was ready and you began to tell him your phone number, repeating it to make sure he had gotten it down correctly, the grin on your lips never leaving.

Ten minutes later, your account was deleted, all assets transferred over to Toma. Your eyes burned with sleep, the blankets on top of you suddenly weighed a ton, and right before you gave in to sleep, butterflies slowly started to form in your stomach.

In a dark room, only lit up by the screen of his phone, Shigaraki stays up, his eyes burning with the need for sleep as he just stares blankly at the your number. He wonders to himself why he had even agreed to accept your number, but he couldn’t go back in time and reject your offer- the most he could do was not message you. He closed his eyes, his mind drifting back and forth between ignoring you tomorrow or attempt to have a conversation with you.

Tagged:

@rogueofbullshit

#shigaraki tomura #shigaraki tomura x reader #bnha shigaraki tomura #bnha shigaraki #tomura shigaraki x reader #shigaraki headcanons #shigaraki x reader #i havent touched this in a while #i made a few changes to it #yikes #reading #its a slow burn for those who are interested #anyways #should have a new one shot in two days #so adios #ciays

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soaimagines · 4 years

Text

small worlds

an EZ Reyes Fanfiction

Chapter One

Pairing: Eventual Ez Reyes x Ilana Ortiz (OC)

Summary: When Ilana Ortiz left Charming she never thought she would be wrapped up in the life of another motorcycle club. But when she runs into an old friend she finds she’s already in deeper than she thought.

OR Juice’s little sister falls for a Mayan

Word Count: 2238

Warnings: language, mentions of death, mentions of grief, trash writing? 18+ as always, soa spoilers? i guess.

Authors Note: I’ve had this idea for a while now and I’ve finally written it. Thank you as always to my sweet friend @juniperjane for being my beta and reading through the dozens of drafts i sent u. u da bomb

Disclaimer: i do not speak espanol, and try to use it sparingly and respectfully. if i have failed to do so please let me know, i mean no offense.

Tags: @minnicelli • @ifoundmyhappythought • @noz4a2 • @svintsandghosts • @rebel-without-cause-x • @i-shouldbepainting • @lady-pswrld • @spookys-girl • @multiyfandomgirl40 • @gemini0410 • @starrynite7114 7• @everyhowlmarksthedead

if you want to be added to the taglist let me know

There was always something slightly ominous about a gas station at midnight. A place that was usually hustling with travellers stocking up, refueling their tanks and heading off in search of their own adventures. But as the light of the day was replaced with the unrelenting darkness of night, Ilana Ortiz found herself alone, as she often did. She raised her hand, stifling a yawn as her gaze flickered to the petrol pump, eyeing the numbers as they rose. The hum of the pump pouring petrol into the tank of her car sputtered to a stop and she lifted the nozzle, shaking off the remains before returning it to the hook.

In the distance she heard them. Steadily growing louder as they approached. She knew the sound all too well, once the soundtrack of days spent in happiness all those years ago. The thunderous drone approached and she closed her eyes, basking in the memories that flooded her. Crashing into her mind like waves, dragging her out into the deep. Her fingers grasped the locket hanging around her neck and she took a deep breath as she opened her eyes. The breeze shifted, blowing a strand of dark hair across her face and she watched as they approached.

Half a dozen motorcycles, most of them low riders, spread out in a staggered formation as they thundered down the highway, with only the open road laid bare before them. One by one they sped past her, and Lana couldn’t help but think of them as ghosts from her past, the faces that would be forever etched into her memory haunting those of the strangers that rode before her now. The darkness of night hindered her ability to make out the patches on the riders backs, but they were there, their presence ever looming.

There was once a time where the presence of a motorcycle club had been a welcoming sight, surrounding her with a feeling of warmth and belonging, rather than the emotional sorrow that she felt deep in her soul. But those times were just memories now, chapters in a dark and lonely book that she didn’t have the strength to read again and so she closed it tight and left it to gather dust.

It took a few months for Ilana to settle into Santo Padre. Slowly, the shelves in her small apartment were filled with various ornaments that she gathered from local market stalls and thrift stores. While it was far from the apartment of Lana's dreams, it was affordable and in a reasonably good neighbourhood, and for now, at least, it was home.

She didn't have a lot of personal possessions, had never been one for materialistic items. There were only two things that she took with her wherever she went. The first, was the locket around her neck. Inside lived a black and white photo of her late mother, wearing a smile that had been passed on to her children. The second was a photograph, its edges frayed and worn. In it stood two siblings, matching smiles on their youthful faces as they stood beside each other, his arm wrapped around her shoulders.

Juan Carlos and Ilana Rose Ortiz.

For as long as she could remember it had been the two of them. After their mother passed away they only really had each other and when Juan had decided to leave Queens and move to California, Ilana had been right by his side.

There was something about the small town of Charming, and the people that lived there that beckoned to the Ortiz siblings. And it was there that they made a home. Ilana found a job doing admin work at the local hospital, whilst Juice worked at the local garage.

After a few months he had told her he was prospecting for the Sons Of Anarchy, and she hadn’t exactly been thrilled. It was a dangerous lifestyle, and she couldn’t lose the only person she had left in this world. Juan had tried to put her mind at ease. He told her they would be safe, that they would look out for him and he would look out for them. He told her they would be happy here. And they were, for a while.

Slowly this band of misfits and outlaws truly did become family, a concept that had once felt so foreign. They finally belonged somewhere, and they were finally happy. But nothing lasts forever.

She couldn't quite pinpoint the moment things went wrong. But something changed when the Sons of Anarchy did their fourteen month stint in Stockton State Penitentiary. Things were changing, and none of them could have predicted just how dark things would turn.

Soon, the club that had once seemed so solid, so welcoming, turned into something dark and bitter and it fell apart at the seams. The binds that tied them were thick with betrayal and mistrust and she could only watch as one by one they fell like dominoes.

Whilst Ilana had spent years in Charming, she never pretended to know all the ins and outs of the club's business. Nor did she want to know. She knew there were rules, and ways in which certain things had to be handled. But above all else, she knew her brother. And she knew he didn't deserve what happened to him.

After the loss of her brother, Ilana spent a long time in that first stage of grief. In denial that this world could be so horribly cruel. Everything she had ever known had been ripped from her and she didn't know what she was supposed to do next; The town was too small for all the ghosts that lived in it and everywhere she looked, she saw death and pain. Memories of once joyful times turned to rot. And so she left.

She spent the next few years travelling, never staying in one place too long. To some people it may have looked like she was running away from her pain and those people weren't wrong. But Ilana liked to think of herself as an explorer, living out the adventures she had read about in the books of her childhood.

Eventually she grew weary of living out of her suitcase, and she found herself homesick, yearning for a home that no longer existed. She found solace in the sunshine state, and when a job opportunity presented itself in Southern California she took it. She found herself an apartment, albeit a rather shitty one, but it was somewhere to live nonetheless and Ilana found comfort in having a consistent income and a familiar place to lay her head.

Ilana smiled at the market stall vendors as she passed them by, gazing over the varieties of fresh produce they displayed so vibrantly. She purchased a selection of vegetables and fruit, slowly filling the woven basket in her hands. A display of fresh mangoes caught her gaze and she looked them over, picking out the ones she would buy.

“Miss Ilana?”

At the mention of her name, she turned.

“Chucky?”

Chuck Marstein wasn’t a face that was easily forgotten. Although, it was probably more to do with his distinct lack of fingers and his mechanical hands than his actual face, which was often apprehensive.

Four years had passed since they had seen each other, and he was aware that the way in which they were once acquainted had been the root of her sorrow. He looked at her nervously, as if he expected anger from her. But that anger he had grown to expect from people didn’t exist in Lana, and she threw her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace.

“Chucky!” The grin on her face matched his, her eyes sparkling with the threat of tears. “What are you doing here! I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“Since your brother's funeral.” He nodded.

Lana nodded along with him, finding slight amusement in Chuckys lack of filter. Most people tip-toed around the mention of her brother, but not him.

“You left Charming?”

“Si,” The sadness that flashed in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed. But Lana knew all too well that things in that small town, and in that life, were often complex, and now wasn’t the time to pry.

“But you’re okay?” Lana asked softly. “You’re working?”

“Si, mamacita.Romero Brothers Scrap and Salvage yard. I am always working hard” He rolled his ‘r’s excessively and Lana smiled at the familiar rhyming, as if his sentence was his own catchphrase.

“And what are you doing here?”

“I got a job doing admin work in town. It's not much, but it pays the bills.”

His phone rang out loudly, and Chucky flashed her a look of apology.

“Yello?”

Ilana hid her smile as he answered the call, looking away to give him some privacy. They had been close once, back in Charming. She had spent a lot of time at the Sons of Anarchy clubhouse, helping out Gemma in the office as she needed it. More often than not she was paired with Chucky to run errands, and she had enjoyed getting to know him. He was quirky, in many ways, but he was a kind soul and all he really wanted was to belong, something which resonated with Ilana.

“Absolutamante,” He said, and ended the call.

“I have to go, Miss Lana. Duty calls.”

Lana nodded understandably and held out her hand. “Give me your phone, I’ll put my number in it.”

He nodded, handing the device over and watching as her fingers tapped at the screen.

“Give me a call when you’re free and we can get dinner or something. Catch up, properly.”

“Really?” He asked, in genuine disbelief. “You would want to?”

Lana smiled at him. “Of course, Chucky. You’ve always been one of my best friends.”

The smile that spread over his face was like that of a child on Christmas morning and Lana couldn’t help but beam back at him, her heart warming.

“I will call you, for dinner.”

“I look forward to it, Chucky.”

It wasn’t long before Ilana heard from Chucky again.

In fact it was only that same afternoon that her phone had rung and his voice was on the other end of the line. She was glad to hear from him, albeit a lot sooner than she had anticipated, but she invited him to her apartment for dinner nonetheless.

She was already out in town, and after spotting a sign that read ‘Carniceria Reyes’, she decided to pick up something to cook. With a glance in each direction she jogged across the road before entering the shop.

It was nearing closing time, and Ilana could see that most of the meat had been packed away, or purchased already. Her eyes scanned what was left on offer as her mind ticked over what she could cook, her abilities in the kitchen being far from expert.

“What can I get for you?”

Ilana glanced up and smiled warmly at the wizened man behind the counter. His smile was warm and welcoming, though the creases on his forehead told of worries, both past and present and there was a forlorn glaze in his twinkling eyes.

“Hi, I’ll just take a couple of those steaks, please?”

The man nodded and slid open the window at the back of the counter.

“How’s your day been?” Ilana made conversation as she glanced around the small store.

Her gaze fell on a selection of books and she smiled as she walked over to them.

He cleared his throat. “It’s been good, busy.” The man said as he packaged the meat. He watched her curiously as she studied the old books, and the delicate way in which she traced her fingers over the titles.

“Are these all yours?” She asked, as she carefully lifted a worn copy of Alejandra Pizarnik’s poetry. It had been well loved, made obvious by the creases on the cover, and the yellowed, dog eared pages.

“Most of them belonged to my wife.”

Ilana smiled as she studied the inscription scrawled inside the cover. It was in español, which she couldn’t read despite her Puerto Rican heritage, but she always found something magical in old books, especially those with messages of love or well wishes written inside the cover.

“She has quite a collection.”

The man smiled and nodded towards the book in her hands. “You’re welcome to borrow it.”

“Oh no, I couldn’t.”

“Please,” He smiled at her. “They should be read, not left here to gather dust and the smell of meat.”

Ilana laughed lightly and nodded, slipping the book carefully into her bag. “Thank you, uh?”

“Felipe.”

Her purchases were ready now, wrapped carefully in brown paper and he placed them on top of the counter.

“Thank you, Felipe.” She smiled as she handed him some cash. “I’m Ilana.”

“Please, keep the change.” She lifted the parcel in her hands as she headed to the door. “It was nice to meat you.”

Felipe chuckled and waved as she walked out of the shop, shaking his head at the interaction.

“Who was that?”

Felipe looked up to see his son EZ, the same smile on his face as he wore on his own, stepping out from the shadows.

“New customer.” Felipe said as he walked to the door and flipped the ‘open’ sign to closed. “Cmon, Jimenez will be here soon.”

Masterlist

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concentrateandpush · 4 years

Text

I need you.

I left the relationship when I found out I was pregnant, he never wanted kids until we were secure and I understood that, a misshap with my pills didn’t. I didn’t want him to be forced into being a father and so I broke up with him via a letter, changed my number, emails, usernames and moved out of town.

To start, it was lonely, but I was used to having a quiet life, Mom left when I was 6 and dad died when I was 14. My older sister was around but never home, so I fended for myself quietly until I met Justin, my soul mate. There is nothing I've ever been more secure in than mine and Justin's relationship.

I don’t believe in abortion, not for any religious reasons or higher motives.. I just don’t agree with it, unless it's a pregnancy that will harm mom or baby, or the mom was raped. But this baby? I opened my legs and messed up, so I'll love it with all of my heart. Luckily, money is no issue, I was left with plenty of it from Dad, which I'll be eternally grateful for.

So here I am, in my home, I've just put the last lick of paint on the wall of the nursery and I'm eating indian food. I'm due any time now, my new neighbour, Alice offered to drive me when I go into labor, which makes me feel at ease seeing as I have been having Braxton hicks.

I look at my phone and it's late, 2.18AM to be precise, but I have nothing to be up early for, so I suppose binge watching the good life is a good plan, plus baby is very active tonight. I rub my bump gently as I sip gently from the mango lassi, feeling my daughter fist bump me through my belly button, "good little girl" I smile and I lay back on my bed.

A few hours go by and it's light outside now, the birds are chirping. Naturally, I shut the curtains and crawl back under my duvet. As I crawl back in I feel a dampness between my legs, not soaking, but a dampness and I reach down to feel around. It doesn’t smell of anything really, so I just pull off my panties, get comfortable and snuggle up to my pregnancy pillow, I have peed myself a few times this pregnancy, it's not something I'm unfamiliar with.

It's when my nipples start to leak that I finally get up and accept that I probably need to get out of bed. I reopen the curtains and do a big stretch looking out of the window at the beach. As I extend my right arm I feel a stabbing pain in the lower left side of my abdomen causing my to lean onto the windowsill and lose my breath a little. I move back to the bed and sit on the edge, attempting to catch my breath.

I rub my stomach gently and get an intense cramp in my back, "shit, this is why you shouldn't go into labor on your own? Huh?" I say to myself in the reflection of my window. I breathe through the contraction and when it comes to an end I grab my robe and swing it on to knock Alice's door. Her 14 year old daughter answers with her boyfriend "what's up Luce?" She asks. "Is your mom home?" I ask and she shakes her head "No, her and dad have gone away for a few nights, are you okay?" She asks. I nod my head and walk back to my house freaking out.

I open my front door and immediately walk to my kitchen and put the kettle on, I look at my phone scrolling through names but I know nobody knows where I am. Justin.. out of everyone, surely.. surely he is the person I should contact. I make a cup of tea and walk to my island, leaning my bump on the edge as the next contraction hits, I pick up a wooden spoon and rub my lower back as hard as I can on it, it barely makes a difference as I whine and pant through the pain, but what other option do I have.

I hover over the green button for a few minutes before pressing it, knowing I could just put it down if I got to scared, Justin doesn’t know this number. It rings a few times and he picks up "Justin here, who's calling?". He sounds broken, he sounds sad.. I take a deep breath before answering him quietly "Hey, its.. its me".

"Luce? Lucy? You're fucking kidding me, you leave, 7 months goes by and you think you can call me saying it's me? Its fucking me?" He shouts, he rarely used to lose his temper. I lick my lips as they've dried up and speak back "I'm not apologising over the phone, you deserve more than that but Justin, I need your help? I need you to come help me.. will you?" I ask in a high pitched tone as I start to get another contraction. He answers bluntly "send me your address, how far away are you?". I send it via text as we speak and answer through the panting "forty minutes tops, I need you to get here quickly though, I don’t know how long I have" I manage to say with out moaning. "Are you okay? Lucy, tell me you're okay?" He demands. "Justin, I am okay, please be quick" I answer softly before pressing the red button and turning my back to the island, pressing it into my back to relieve pressure.

Twenty minutes fly by and go to my window to watch for him, sitting on the window sill. "Hang in there baby" I say softly before reaching between my legs. I'm pretty sure my waters are trickling out, you expect a huge splash to come out of you like the movies so when it happens like this you second guess yourself.

I watch his truck pull up and he gets out, looking at the window. I walk to the door, holding my robe across my belly, supporting my underbelly with my other hand. I open the door and see him stood there, his face makes me smile instantly and he looks at me up and down, seeing my huge stomach and looks back at my face. "Lucy, please.. please don’t tell me this is why you left? Because you're? You're pregnant?" He says in a croaky, emotional voice.

"I think you should come in" I say through my smile, he comes in and puts his arms around me tight, hugging me "careful" I say softly before feeling the warmth gush on my legs "there’s that classic movie gush" I laugh and he steps back "oh my god, you're in labor? Did I just? Are you okay?" He says reaching his hand to my stomach. "I'm okay, I just -" I say before realising I'm not okay, the pain intensifies greatly and I turn to my stairs and put my weight on my banister "Justin my back, here" I say pulling his arm to my lower back and feeling him work on it.

"Justin I need to get to the hospital" I say as I get my breath back and I turn to look at him. "You should have told me, I wouldn't have been mad" he says softly as he tucks my hair behind my ear. "I didn’t want to force fatherhood on you, I know how strongly you feel about waiting until it's the right time" I say gently as I sit on the staircase. "Lucy, I want to be a Dad, I want to have this baby with you of course I do, I would have loved to experience your pregnancy with you too" he says as he rubs my stomach.

I feel another contraction and shake my head "they're too close together, they're on top of each other" I say crossing my legs. I stand up and wince, holding my back before Justin supports it for me, opening the door and walking me to the truck as I pant. I sit in the passenger seat and turn to look at Justin as he gets in "I need to push" I whisper and see his face change. "Lucy the hospital is only about 25 minutes away, you can hold it right?" He says sternly as I grab myself tight and shake my head "get me back inside, I need to push her out".

Justin looks at me for a moment before shaking his head and getting out, he picks me up from my seat and runs back inside putting me on the sofa. I sit in the corner of the corner sofa, with both legs wide open and supported on either side as it parts. I reach down and try to feel my dilation but cant reach as far as I need to. Justin is fetching towels and scissors and I try to shape my body so I can feel for the head but my belly is just way too big.

He runs back in and kneels in front of me and I take a towel from him to squeeze and bite on for pushing. At this point I'm so absorbed in the pain I'm finding it difficult to focus "babe, fingers" I mutter as I pant "put them in, see how many you can fit" I manage to say quickly "Is it safe to push?" He pushes his fingers into me and I wince a little and pull my body back. "I cant get them in, I think the heads already here?" He says as he feels the top of the head near my lips.

"Mm okay, fuck" I say as I push myself back on the sofa. I start to pant as the contraction peaks and I look down at Justin, who's eagerly waiting to catch his baby. "You've got a while yet, you need to tell me exactly what's happening when it happens okay? I'm going to push" I say in a strained voice as I begin to push a little. "Gaahh" I moan as the push comes to a stop and I catch my breath whilst rubbing my bump.

"Nothing happened" Justin says softly and I nod "I just needed to practice" I answer as I push myself further back on the sofa and bring the towel to my side. I pant frantically and squeeze the towel with my hand as I push, feeling the baby move a little but not much, I look at Justin and he smiles "keep going". I push harder and my face turns a little red, I finally take another breath and push again "nnggggggg" I moan and Justin's eyes widen as he realises how much pain I'm in from the sound of my moan.

"Lucy, the heads getting closer" he says. I catch my breath for a moment and look at him "okay, okay, when you see the head move down, you can pull my lips a little further apart to give baby room. When her head is out, check for a chord around her neck and slip it over" I moan as the pain returns again "the head" I mutter as I push again feeling myself open up "aahhhhh" I scream as the head starts to crown but I cross my legs quickly to stop the burning.

Justin looks up and his eyes widen "Lucy spread your legs, the head was nearly out". I shake my head and begin to tear up "Justin I cant, I cant do this" I cry as he climbs up by me "were going to be parents, I know it hurts, but you've done so well, once the heads out were nearly there yeah?" He says pulling my leg over "I'm here" I says as he kneels again "deep big push yeah?" He says softly.

I pull my legs back to my armpits and pant ready for pushing. I accept that I'm probably going to tear, baby has measured big since the start but since that push, I felt how big her head was. I take a deep breath and press my chin to my chest letting out a high pitched scream "UUUHHHHH". I feel the need to shut my legs but keep them open and hold my breath as the head crowns fully and stops moving as I stop pushing "JESUS THAT FUCKING HURTS" I say as I cry and push my body up off the sofa, trying to relieve the pain somehow "blow on it, Justin, blow around the head, anything" I splutter as I wince.

He rubs around the head and blows a little "stop, that makes it worse, stop please, stop" I say before putting the towel in my mouth to bite down on. I start to push weakly and add more pressure, with my muffled moans coming from the towel. I pull it out and scream louder "get it out" as I feel myself tear and hear a pop with a huge gush of fluid covering Justin's t shirt.

"The chord, check for the chord" I say seeing Justin check and smile shaking his head "no chord". I lean back and breathe deep breaths, letting out sounds when I breathe out. "She looks exactly like you" Justin whispers, already besotted by her. I smile and look at him "Can you move back? And put the towel down on the floor, I need to squat to get her out" I say calmly as I lift my body to the floor, my legs wide and my bump hanging between them.

I rub my belly and lean back on the sofa "okay little girl, ready to meet us?" I smile before holding my breath and pushing deeply, letting out a guttural groan "nnggggggaaaaaaa". She moves a little and I reach down to feel around the head, feeling the warmth of the blood dripping on me. "I cant push any harder Just" I say softly before spreading my legs a bit more and trying to push again but feel no progress.

"Put one leg on the sofa and try to squat with the other one, it should open you up a bit" Justin says helping me into an almost lunging position. "Ugghhh" I moan as I push feeling myself open up slightly "Put your hands there ready" I snap at him before beginning to push. "That's it, push our baby out" he smiles as I groan a high pitched moan. "You're doing it, keep going, focus, dont let it slip" he says sternly and I push even harder to make sure this is the last one "AHHHHHHH" I scream as I feel her shoulders open me up and her body slide out.

Her cries fill the room and I slowly lower my leg ensuring that the chord is safe. I sit on the edge of the sofa and take my shirt off quickly taking her from Justin. He lays her on my chest gently as she cries and I rub her back "Oh my girl" I cry "beautiful little girl" I add as I look at Justin, tearfully admiring the both of us.

#birth #giving birth #childbirth #birtherotica

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victorusolano · 3 years

Text

FYD Series

by Victor Ubanos Solano

The old lady said that the pup was born in the province of Cavite from an unidentified breed of canines. Although it looked like a Labrador or a half-breed Saint Bernard or if mistakenly recognized from refined breeds of dogs, it was just a dog of some ordinary sort or I do not know. She said, “My friend had to put the pup inside a rugged sack so we can travel the way from south to north.” It was Friday morning when I met them at the tail coach of the PUV going to Antipolo. “They're not letting us to onboard because they do not allow pets inside” The Madame exclaimed. She was talking to me like a newly found friend. But only with a calm smile, I rewarded her back from her exasperation.

The other commuters reverted in silence while we were all comfortably tucked into our seats. “So, I gave its brother to the kind and gentle bus driver then he let us in.” She said while still a bit annoyed. Again, another moment of delay before she spoke another word. “Don’t tell them!” She shrugged with a hush. The car moved on, the furry creature sneaked out from the sack bag where he was kept out of sight and raised his little paws to my feet. “Cute creature,” I said and put him on my lap. “You want? You can adopt him too!” Calmly she said. The little beast gave me a gaze of glassy eyes as if telling me, Please! He bowed his head and folded his feet, pushed his body closer to my arms; I looked at him and told myself, a furry friend – and I named him Maximus.

The truth is, I never had a pet that I raised on my own. The feeding and caring for a pet to live was never handed to me directly as an opportunity. My attempts from the past were some experience of a disaster, I can name a few: Boomer was the first, she was a family dog and died while giving birth to Dugan which I named after an anime series Cedie in the ninety’s. Unfortunately, Dugan died a miserable death due to an unknown disease. The last was Chuchay. I would say Chuchay is a lesbian bitch but that was only my guess and died a virgin dog. There was one animal that lived a long life and expired old, It was a rooster. Needless to say, the reasons for these animals being gone, the sad and happy moments had been revered and marked happy memories.

Now as for Maximus, the first nourishment I gave was all dog milk that I bought from the pet shop the next morning. I can say that he liked it and enjoyed it till the last drop of the serving. The routine began like that, milk in the morning and afternoon.

One day, there was an inevitable change in my work schedule. I left Maximus wandering outside around a fenced structure. I decided to let Maximus claim the outside surroundings. A territory, my strong belief was that; going out of the fence is far from his ability.

I went home early the next day. I expected that Maximus would be so excited to see me wagging its tail in joy. But no shadow of Max at the entrance, I wondered and tried to look for him. I called him Max for a nickname. “Where is that rascal?” Sweat on my brow dropped. I've looked at all corners of the surroundings and I am sure he cannot be inside the house. It would be impossible, I locked all the doors and checked them twice before I went to work last night. The only recollection I had was; I left Max at the gate; Max watched me leaving, and wagged his tail like sending me the message, Goodbye. It could be a snake swallowing him whole for dinner? That was my suspicion. In fear of that indescribable scene, which I considered could be possibly true, I grabbed a metal rod which I used to push coals in the hearth and poked it under the hearth stand, but only pots and old ceramics clanged under and no Maximus or a snake moved to be visible.

There, I turned my survey to the other part of the premises, to a meter square of foliage near the dead mango tree, I grubbed the metal rod to the soil and the newly grown shrubs, but there was no reptile of some sort to be recognized. If Maximus is not inside the house. And a dog can't break the fences. That Maximus may have been stolen? Yes and no! What would be so interesting for a small dog? Maximus is not even an expensive breed, so what to steal it for? I went on curiously.

I went outside and looked. Maybe a charitable neighbor allowed him a free sleepover. “Nanay Auring! Have you seen my dog?” I yelled out from the gate. She opened the door and stepped out onto the porch wearing a billowy duster dyed in Okir patterns, and said “No! I didn’t even know that you have one!” I resigned my curiosity and walked a little more and searched. Disappointed I was, with no Maximus found. I began to lose yearning. I felt tired and it has been an exhausting day – my mind whirled of many thoughts. If Max happened to know where to go back, I'd make sure he could not escape anymore, or if someone brings my dog home, I would be grateful to thank the good samaritan then. I retired to look for that dog; I have gone for the next street and the next street further. And to the tall rusty arch gate of the village, now I can see the highway from a distance. I imagined a scene, a plausible one, did Max walk this far last night? tried to follow me, and was hit by ten-wheelers careless of their speed. I prayed without words “May good heaven forbid.” While trudging, I decided to go back and will continue my search tomorrow. I have agreed to myself to take my usual drill at home, boil water for coffee, take a bath, continue reading the pages of the novel I left last night, take note of ideas and write more chapters to a story I have been developing for the past two months, then go to sleep.

I entered the gate of my house and pushed the door open. Alas! Almost all things inside were scattered. Shoes were randomly thrown everywhere, and the tattered fleece of the sofa and paper bills were torn in pieces. I looked at all these things and quickly I thought they were not made by a human. “Maximus!” I yelled out with all the energy. Max came out from my room, little pink tongue out as if smiling, wagging the small tail, and with all speed, I ran to my room and found a disaster. All pillow covers raged in an inordinate piece, my room slippers are all twisted. Max barked a screeching note trying to divert my attention. “Little rascal! How did you get in?” but in no time before I finished what I just said, a book fell from the shelf inside my room near the window. “Aha!” Little did I know that there was a stack of old things outside of my room window. Max managed to climb and entered through a missing jalousie blind near the beam. He quickly felt from my sharp stare that Max committed something wrong. Maximus curved his hind half, bowed his head, and tried to kiss my feet. “Little beast! I thought I lost you.” A sudden surge of feeling not to punish him is a remarkable thing I felt, I pity and realized Maximus was just a pup.

A few months passed, the acquaintance with him went on with ease, Max and I shared my favorite nook in the house, He and I went out together. Max, I can say, is almost a member of the dance club organized by the village sports enthusiasts. All afternoon we went there and he waited patiently till I was all perspiring for the afternoon workout and then he slipped out and explored all nearby places. There were other gangs of dogs, high breed dogs, toy dogs, and all sorts of unidentified colors. Maximus, a snobbish dog I observed, had been in too many dog fights before he could learn to go places he liked.

After my workout at the village sports center, I usually attend some readings and writings before going to bed. Maximus never missed an opportunity to read what I type on the computer. He sat beside the writing table and climbed on a little space left on the bench. “Hey, is that beautiful?” Max's responses are few, he would just look at me, a big mouth of a yawn, and look away. Max didn't know any tricks that time so I taught him the basics; shake the hand, sit in place, roll over and poop training, the only difficult one was to play dead. Surprisingly, he exhibited that skill by ignoring my presence when I am deeply immersed in reading or writing.

In the totality of his existence, Maximus was very happy and satisfied with all that comprises a dog life, nearly those eight months of being my chum, I could not say that Maximus was of a selfish temperament. But Maximus hated to be acquainted with other dogs. At some point I tried to understand that animal behavior is multifaceted. In the case of Maximus, it was curious that he had skipped some of the processes. Maximus would walk away when being ignored or would stay in his cabin for a couple of days and almost a week or many days. He sulks and this is what he meant by his isolation or maybe I was wrong. After all, I don’t know all the details of the dog's affair.

Two years have passed. I can say Max is now a fully grown-up dog, so many physical changes have happened. I am correct to assume that he is a big dog with big paws and short folded ears. But one afternoon Maximus ran away. I went on my search and imagined that he wandered all over the residential area and went to town in search of food or shelter, or maybe he went to the market and tried his luck there; why would a dog just leave like that? Max’s life inside the house was all working fine, with all this theorizing, I almost forgot that maybe I am overthinking, but since he cannot talk, it makes sense that all was and in between were only mere suggestions of his gestures, or perhaps Max is just a dog.

I went home and surrendered my search mission, which made me very tired. I laid down in a daybed, and my thoughts were quickly drawn in a pensive. There, I saw Max stopped in a shop and was thrown a piece of meat from passersby eating street food. He enjoyed it very much, and some of the bystanders threw leftovers, and eventually, more came. He enjoyed a banquet, feasting on what was left. The romanticized life there, however, only lasted for a moment. And with another twinkling, the image changed and dissolved into darkness. Another scenic place looked like a highway road except that no vehicles were passing by. There on the sidewalk, I saw Max walking slowly past a pile of food scraps but he just ignored the presence of it. I reckoned his solitaire swiftly in my mind, he fasted his cravings and preferred to go without food, I thought there he longed for my company. “Maximus!” I called him loudly and beckoned him to come over but sadly he swept aside his master's order and ran away so fast. I tried to follow him but the scene warped so quickly and transcended to another beyond.

One afternoon after many days passed. My neighbor Nanay Auring brought kalamay for a snack, I received it with warm thanks, and after her funny gossiping performance act, she left. I dashed to my small kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee. I went onto my writing table and dedicated myself to scrawl pictures in my mind. That moment of my solitude I have forgotten Max for a little while. I went on to write as much as I could, and when almost half of the page was done, I heard scratching knocks at the door. I unbolted the metal lock and opened it. “You giant scamp! Where have you been all these days?” He curved his legs, tucked in his tail, and stood before me with a bowed head. I bent over to hug him, and he pressed his cold nose onto my neck, and I patted his fur. I pulled him inside and cleaned him up. I gave him his usual favorite dog food, and not too long he consumed the last dab from the feeder bowl. He climbed up and sat beside me. He looked at the screen of my computer. I swallowed the rest of the coffee with a gulp. I looked at him and asked, “What title do you think is pretty for this piece?” He barked loudly as he approved when I typed the name Maximus.

***

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright Statement : This work is the intellectual property of the author. Permission is granted for this material to be shared for non-commercial, educational purposes, provided that this copyright statement appears on the reproduced material. To disseminate otherwise or to republish requires written from the author.

GLOSSARY

*Auring: a coined nickname of Aurea, Aurora or Aurelia. *Kalamay: a variety of rice cakes in the Philippines. *Nanay: (n) mother / a female parent. *Okir: a design or pattern often rendered or curved in hardwood, brass, silver and wall painting in curvilinear lines and Arabic geometric figures. *PUV: (abbr) public utility van / vehicle.

#maximus

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viostormcaller · 4 years

Text

Thinking about it, it kinda sucks just how little new horizons has.

Like... I love the game to pieces and maybe this is just bc im in a shitty mood (which i am) but like... god this is gonna be long and ranty and I'm sorry in advance that mobile tumblr doesnt have the read more feature

For starters, holidays are all scheduled on the company's terms, meaning in 7+ years or so there will be no more in-game holidays because by then they'll probably be thinking about/getting ready to release the next installment of the series on whatever console is out at the time and they won't want to update new horizons anymore. And adding onto this, you need the internet to download the updates. What happens to the players who don't have internet?? Can they just never experience the holidays like bunny day and toy day and turkey day? That takes a HUGE part of the fun of the series out right off the bat. Sometimes making everything rely on the internet is a bad idea. Idk if anyone can like tell me if having no internet means you can't take part in the holidays, but like... god if that's true thats really sad.

They recently took out the hybrid flower and big fish islands, which makes no sense whatsoever why they would do that to a game that has so little, but ok?? It's not like that feature was hindering the gameplay any

There's a lot of furniture but Not a Lot of Furniture, you get me? They took out EVERY set except the classic set (renamed "antique") that you can buy for an insanely high price, and the log and wooden block sets that you can craft, but other that that it's all unrelated items that aren't part of any set, aside from the cute set and diner and throwback sets which as far as I can remember are the only other sets you can buy in the game. No alpine, no ranch, no minimalist, no princess or gracie, no modern or sleek, none of that. And 90% of all the buy-only furniture in the game is just the color variants. You can't even customize them! And it's hard as fuck to find the color variants you want, much less for completing a furniture set

And speaking of which, your starting villagers don't get their default house interiors. Your first three + your two starters from the tutorial days have the same generic layouts. You NEVER see what their houses are supposed to look like, and even if you give them the wallpaper and flooring they're supposed to have (if you figure that out online somewhere), their house doesn't change (I tested this with Sherb and was kinda disappointed).

And stuff is so EXPENSIVE. I know it adds a challenge but my final loan was NEVER 1 mil+ bells in New Leaf. And you can't even expand the extra first floor rooms you get. I'm literally getting less for WAY more. The biggest rooms you get are the basement and upstairs rooms. The first floor rooms aside from the main room really don't have a lot of space and with the different furniture they DO offer, I don't have a lot of room to put things in. But it's not like I can even afford it anyway -- just a freaking air conditioner was 63,000 bells. In New Leaf it was 2500. That's a MASSIVE jump. And the kitchen items are so freaking expensive, as well.

And speaking of houses, for someone who was literally in the real estate industry in the last game, tom nook adds very few house exterior options. And the even more shitty thing is that a lot of the colors straight up don't match. They couldn't even add a plain white roof.

God and the fucking DIY recipes. I know I've said this before on my other tumblr but the RNG for this game is the worst I've ever fucking seen. There is no reason why, two months into the game, I can be given a recipe for a simple DIY bench, which EVERYONE LEARNS IN THE TUTORIAL. Who the fuck am I giving it to?! No one, because literally every player knows it already, and you can't gift diy recipes to villagers! And I keep getting repeats of recipes. My villagers give me fruit DIYs all the time, it's so rare for me to get any new ones. And two days in a row I've gotten the recipe for the deer head mount thing from the same villager. New recipes should 100% take the priority before repeats. This game is slow paced, sure, but that's just frustrating. It doesn't make me excited to learn more recipes, it makes me feel like I'm never gonna learn any new ones because I'll get the same fruit DIYs for a week straight.

And speaking of which, you can't put trees, bushes, or flowers in your storage, which to me makes literally no sense. I can fit a giant ass fountain in my storage but I can't put a flower plant? Really? And speaking of storage, for a game that added 300 whole slots for mail instead of the usual 10, I will never understand why they decided to halve the amount of items a player can order a day from the nook shopping, AND make it so that it takes a whole day to get there instead of making deliveries at 9 am and 5 pm like in New Leaf.

And the fact that they made it so hard to get non native fruit and flowers and shit??? Like they at LEAST added Lief so flowers aren't as much of an issue anymore, but you actually have to travel to other people's islands just to get all the fruits?? I know you have to do the same thing in New Leaf but the reason why this is an issue for me is because you have to pay for online access, meaning most of those nook miles for planting all the fruits are locked behind a paywall unless your villagers can gift them to you. And your mom, when you first start the game, has a chance of giving you the one fruit that's on the non-native fruit mystery island, meaning you'll only get ONE new fruit and not two separate ones (for example, my sis got pears from mom but her non native fruit islands have cherries i believe. I got pears from mom and my fruit islands also have pears. Doesnt help that that's the one fruit i hate lmao). They also took OUT a bunch of fruits, like mangoes, durians, lemons, bananas, lychees, persimmons...

And the fact that your nook miles rewards are ISLAND LOCKED. That is the WORST SHIT. Not everyone has the ability to play with others, bc no internet or no money for the subscription every month. Not everyone WANTS to play with others bc maybe they get social anxiety (like me, which is why i havent asked for things that are impossible for me to get even though i want them for my island or house), or maybe they simply just don't want to. But the fact that each island has their own color variants of the same goddamn rewards that CANNOT BE CHANGED makes me so upset. I do not want nor should I have to rely on others to get the items I want because my game doesn't have my preferred color variations. And it's not like I'm far enough in the game to have anything worth trading for said items, nor do I have the bells.

And Isabelle does next to fucking nothing and I'm really irked about how they made her character in this game. Yeah she's cute, but that's ALL she is. She became more ditzy than anything else. She doesn't let you know about visitors in the town or the plaza or if a bridge or incline was built bc of a completed donation goal. Like really useful info to know would be if Flick or CJ is in town or who is selling stuff in the plaza. Flavor text is nice but if that's all you say 24/7 it loses its charm. In New Leaf she was helpful and hardworking and super focused and on top of things. Idk why they changed that aspect of her. I know her role in New Horizons isn't as big as it was in New Leaf, but still.

And then there's glitches that STILL haven't been patched (as far as I know anyway), like the game-breaking villager corruption glitch (which you'd think nintendo would have made a priority but they're too busy removing other features it seems) or the house exterior glitch.

And it's bad enough that your game saves to your fucking system a la Fantasy Life. But even WORSE, no one can have separate islands on one console. It's not enough to own two copies of New Horizons. Each player has to own one copy of the game and a whole new Switch just so they can play on their own islands. Parents can't usually afford that (aka $360 for each kid give or take) so for a game marketed towards kids, I don't know why they thought that was a smart move (well, I DO know, and that's because money, but still). And to top it all off, cloud saves are not supported normally. If you lose your game or your switch and aren't subscribed to nintendo online, well, it looks like all your progress is gone! And there's nothing you can do about it. And they directly claimed that they did this just so people can't manipulate the game because it's supposed to be played in real time. But people can still fucking time travel by setting the system's clock! They achieved nothing except to make the players frustrated!!! If you make a game you need to accept that the player is going to play how THEY want to. You shouldn't try to make everyone conform to the way YOU want them to play. That just makes you a controlling asshole and the game loses a lot of its fun.

This game was 60 bucks and they took so long to make it and we ended up with less than we got in New Leaf. The main thing they gave us was a shit ton more clothing items (which I really like). Like I said, I love this game to pieces and it's actually one of my favorite games right now. There's so much I love about it -- I certainly don't hate it or anything. But this game has SO MANY flaws, a lot of which are needless. And I think the kid in me just misses the days where you can pay for a game and get the whole game right away. No updates in tiny batches, no content locked behind paywalls, no day one patches, no reliance on internet connection and multiplayer... mainstream companies have all gone really downhill with that shit and it just disappoints me to no end. But because Nintendo is kid-oriented, I think that's where it hurts the most. It was supposed to be accessible, family friendly fun like back during the days of the Wii and the DS. But companies get so wrapped up in competing with each other and trying to make the most money that they forget about all that. I dunno. It just sucks.

If you read all this, god damn I'm surprised XD I got super ranty and I apologize. But I'm in a sad mood and I after learning about features they've taken out I just had to get all this off my chest. It's been weighing on me since the game released, especially since for months prior this game was all I could think about and I was really looking forward to it. It just let me down in a lot of ways, I guess.

#long post #rant #animal crossing new horizons #acnh #vio stormcaller

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flow-green · 3 years

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Fresh dog onwer and a Fuck-It-Diet

Slowly I am crawling out from my black hole. Few months of silence has been broken. I disappeared for a bit due to quite severe reason. I will not reveal it here in details, if anyone is interested, feel free to DM me :). It was not related to my ED. Life just happened and decided to throw quite a tricky challenge on my way, which luckily got solved in a positive way, and within March I managed to pick myself back up again.

These two months were quite adventurous and opened my eyes on many levels. I started to appreciate more what and who surrounds me and how dear and important my family and close ones are to me. I realized that I hurt them with my self-destructive behavior and this constant worrying over me is an unnecessary burden and a source for stress. So, I am really grateful for this experience. More and more I have started to let go of the restrictions and demons in my head and slowly move towards a mentality that my body is my own temple, my own home and serves me and myself only, and not someone else. Or, well, perhaps in an uncertain future it will be a temporary home for another person, so I should really take care of my body.

These last two weeks have opened my eyes even more, because by a happy accident I stumbled upon a book, but more on that a bit later. First, I would like to tell you about one of the biggest changes of my life, which has brought so much happiness and positivity to our lives. Namely, we now have a new family member. No, I did not have a baby (a bit ironic in this context...), but now there is a constant cheerful pit-a-pat on our floor, made by four cute little paws. On February 16 we got an unexpected opportunity to get a dog! Charlie has now been with us almost 2 months, 2 amazing months. In his quite unique size and unknown breed (we suspect a fox is somehow involved...) he has turned us into these crazy dog lady and sir, you know, like a crazy cat lady.

I think if people saw us right now just the three of us in our natural habitat, they would never ever dare to do any official busines with us.

Anyhow, here he is. Charlie even has his own Instagram account (another sign that we definitely are not normal)

Mr. Dog has a massive amount of dog fur which happily floats all over the house and if we vacuum the entire place on Wednesday morning, all the fur bunnies have taken their natural place back to themselves.

Charlie is cool. With his happy face he rides with us to all the places around the country, he loves car rides. Every weekend we go to some new place in Estonia to explore, our 10 km (over 6 miles) hikes have become our cool new habit. One morning was especially special. We both lost our sleep around 4 AM in the morning and after an hour of chit chat in the bed while Charlie still slept between us (yes, he is a heavy sleeper and definitely not a morning person and yes, he sleeps in our bed. Deal with it), we decided that enough of bedtime and no more sleep. let’s wake up as the sun will rise at 6 AM. Let’s make some breakfast and lunch to go, watch the sunrise with coffee and then go to an early hike in Käsmu, around the epic seaside in Northern Estonia. Done deal. This was one of the most amazing days in my life.

Charlie is just like a therapy dog. Every time when I feel like breaking down in tears, I hug Charlie tight and let him comfort me with his soft cuddles and confident and wise eyes. All the sorrow and worries are gone. Charlie has also made us so active physically. We take several longer or shorter walks throughout the day. I have started to really love walking and running again and for me, for myself, and not for calories or for punishment. I am not counting distance or pace anymore. Every evening I fall asleep, happily excited about my upcoming morning run. I truly enjoy every last step I take.

But, as I promised, a few lines about my new ‘diet�� called The Fuck It Diet. Recently, I pampered myself with another e-reader and this motivated me to search some books which are suggested for people struggling with eating disorders. ‘The Fuck It Diet’ popped up and caught my eye. I managed to get it as an e-book and eagerly dug the pages in. The first lines already made my jaw drop: at first with anger towards the stated facts and later on because of complete understanding.

This book has totally topsy-turvy’ed my views as it describes my current situation in exquisite correct details. My whole belief system about diets, eating habits and weight numbers have completely changed. The whole book teaches you how to get rid of food addiction, self-esteem issues and obsession about body image and weight.

Why have I spent over 10 years battling with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder? Why do I relapse in my hardest moments and total body hating world into an absurd calorie restriction, where I lose 6+ kg in 2 months, can keep myself skinny, yet sad for maximum 3-4 months, because I will not allow myself to eat anything as I want to lose even more to keep some buffer weight, then get tired and surrender and then eat back all those lost pounds and even more within few weeks? Why can’t I lose weight if I decide that instead of starving myself instead, I will go on some new diet, but this gives no result, weight will not drop, I get frustrated and get back to purging out food or get back to bingeing? Why does this wheel go round, and round and my weight will keep fluctuating vigorously and never stabilizes? Who do I go from one extreme to another? I have punished and scolded myself for years. I have tried to search or reasons: perhaps my genes are messed up and I am forever destined to keep my intake at 500 calories, so I can keep myself in that sweet spot of underweight and normal weight (because that is the only acceptable weight range for me. Sick, isn’t it?)

And then I got my answer: it is not about me or my genes. It’s because of these diets, no matter how beautiful the creators have painted them. It’s because human body has not meant to follow absurd rules about eating, be it fasting, LCHF, keto, paleo, raw vegan, or even mindful eating (eat slow! Rate your hunger! It’s under 10? You are not about to collapse from hunger? Good, drink some lemon water instead. See? Another bunch of rules to stress your brain out).

Most people commute from one diet to another, follows the rules and counts the calories for few months and then a relapse enters. it always does. Then, you will buy another diet plan, which promises even better results. You will haul for absurdly expensive foods like nut butters, almond flour, coconut oil. You replace your favorite foods with some silly alternative. You Google why the hell do I have a massive craving for Chocolate, which of course is your forbidden food. Google tells you have a magnesium deficiency (which might actually be true you know), but the solution: eat 12 almonds and forget about the chocolate. Be honest, that answer frustrates you a bit, deep down. So, instead to go and buy the damn chocolate and make your brain shut up, you force the craving down because FORBIDDEN! But at some point, you still go, buy the chocolate, eat it, and then promise yourself that now you will not touch another piece of chocolate once in upcoming months, will also restrict your intake a few weeks and eat your almonds. And are miserable. And then you eat some more chocolate. And are miserable again. Round and round, it goes.

And you gain those 10 pounds back. WHY, for the love of god?

Simple: your body has no clue whatsoever anymore, what the hell is going on. Years and years, you have kept your body in an unnatural state of starving, famine. Dietary culture has taught us that in order to lose weight all nice, you need to keep yourself in a calorie deficit and this should be around 1200-1500 cals in a day, maximum calorie intake cannot be more than 2000. You count every bite, every mouthful, you write it all down to MyFitnessPal. You eat your food, but you still crave for something more and are already worried about your next meal: can I eat something soon? What can I eat for dinner? Dude, you JUST ate, and you SHOULD feel full. If you don’t, there is obviously a problem. If you are full and STILL want something, there is obviously a problem. And your body is screaming at you the only solution. You worry about food 85% of your day (for me it was 100%, yes, even when I was having sex. Just SPECTACULARLY awesome!)

Body is not stupid. Body now has been taught that no matter what, there is always a next diet and famine state around every corner all the time. Body is scared. Body listens to the brain which constantly repeats those endless rules about eating. No chocolate, no pizza, bread is bad, cheese is bad, ice cream?! Are you stupid? Only a mango sorbet, something sugar free and watery or even better: make your own ice cream from banana (but remember, only HALF A banana!). Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest and then you will go and buy 2 liters of ice cream and eat it all in one go. You will torture yourself afterwards because ice cream is forbidden. You cannot eat it; you need to restrict and go for a 20-k run.

Now comes the most sillies, but the most logical fact: in order to break the cycle, there is only one simple solution: EAT! Everything. A lot. Eat it all that you have craved for years and years and have vetoed. Eat your cravings. Eat even when you are not hungry. Just eat whenever you feel like it. Eat until you are absolutely 100% satisfied and say honestly: no more. This process can take weeks, months, even years, depending on the individual. People in the book describe how they needed three whole years to reprogram their body back to its natural cycle. And it is scary, boy it’s scary. But you just need to take the leap into the water full speed, no splashing with your toes a bit to test the water. The faster you jump, the faster you get the wheels running. Result? Body calms down. Brain can finally rest and reprogram itself back to the way it must be. No food is forbidden anymore (unless you have a severe nut allergy. Please do not eat nuts if you might actually die). The brain now knows that whenever it wants something, it can actually get it, no strings attached, and calms down.

Yes, your will gain weight, sorry, this is not all strawberries and cream (yum, now I want strawberries and cream, will get some for dinner). At first, your body will not trust you. Would you trust yourself if you have been treated miserably for years? It is certain that it’s a trick and another diet is just around the corner. It takes time for it to calm down and start functioning the way it was meant to be. Weight will go up until the body heals and then... it will stop, the weight will naturally balance out, probably even go back down between the weight set points that everyone has, depending on your body and personal physical factor. I know that my middle goldilocks zone is about 5-6 kg more than my absolute lowest weight (right now I am around 10 kg heavier than my all time lowest and it is still in between my weight set points) and I am now completely okay with that number.

And I have now practiced this approach for half a week. Day before yesterday I had some Hesburger (McDonalds basically; had a vegan burger with FRIES), yesterday I ordered myself a vegan pizza without a second thought, with vegan cheese and everything, the whole package. I have now eaten ice cream for 4 days straight (one of my biggest forbidden foods), some vegan desserts. And yesterday I had my first shocking moment. I bought myself another ice cream after the pizza and right after I had bought it, I realized, that I actually do not want it right now. I have no craving. I got home and threw it in the freezer. After my dinner of soup and grilled cheese (!!!), I decided that I am going to eat the ice cream now. I had eaten half of it when I felt that I don’t want it anymore. I still finished it as it was a really small cone, but it was clearly more than enough. The rest of the evening I had no more cravings at all, no hunger. I didn’t even think about food anymore. I just enjoyed the movie with my SO and Charlie. Usually after dinner I was already overthinking about my next meal that was obviously hours away in the morning as no food after 6 PM and I definitely want something as breakfast is so far away, and besides, I try to postpone breakfast anyway as much as possible because intermittent fasting 16 hours +, which made me especially cranky and created countless of mornings with fights and tears with my SO. But now... no cravings and hunger for the entire night. Today morning I woke up with stomach still full from last night. I did not think about foo. Few hours later I bought some oatmeal, carrots, and hummus – and not because it is super healthy, and I am not allowed to eat anything else. No. I actually had a massive craving for carrots and hummus and oatmeal. For lunch, we decided to take some local hand-made burgers. I ordered vegan burger, but as a naked version without buns. Once again, not because empty forbidden bread calorie, but because I actually wanted that hearty vegan patty to sit on a pile of fresh leafy greens, peppers, tomatoes, and cucumbers. My stomach was still quite full of carrot snacks and past dew days’ fast food. I had no inner battle about this with craving vs forbidden food. Nope, I actually did not want any bread or bun.

That was around 3 PM. And hours later I am still full. Back then I had a sever fear over next meal or even a desperate need for additional snack (a forbidden chocolate, ice cream or something similar), but nooo, forbidden, which made the craving and fear even worse.

I have not thought about food today anymore, except now that I write this.

I have gained weight, yes, and it scares me to the core, and I confessed this few days ago to my SO. He looked at me with surprised eyes and said that to be honest, he has not even noticed I have gained, he only realizes this when I have days with severe low self-esteem and when I try to hide my naked body. I think the gain is around 5-6 kg (over 10 pounds), which is not even that big of a deal. Of course, I see and know I have gained, because my clothes now fit kind of perfectly, some rare pieces are a bit tight (I’m in XS-S size, 4-6, and clothes used to be kind of baggy even. Girl, do you need more proof that you are NOT FAT?), my legs are not super-tight sticks with a thigh cap and my collar bones do not press out. I have now extra inches on my body and probably this is the most difficult thing to accept. Recently, I saw over years that the first weight number of 5 has turned into 6 (in kg), over night, which means it was probably water weight from weekend of drinking and salty foods, so this means the actual one is still few kg lower, but the fear is still very real and at that moment I realized that I am tired of crying over a pair of numbers. I am so done. On this day, I asked my partner to hide the scale so I would not now where it is. I went for my morning run and when I came back, I saw him grinning and the scale had disappeared.

On Saturday we went to a birthday party. There was a hot tab with out-doors transportable sauna. Everyone was wild from happiness, except me. I had my bikini with me but for few days already I had stressed out that I will not join the tub, I will not expose my fat body like that. But my friend suggested me to break down the stubbornness, overcome my fears and just do it. No one will judge me, nobody notices, nobody even cares. All those fears are demons in my head. At the party I was sure that I will not go. But then, at some point, I gave myself a mental kick on the butt and went for it. And I am not sorry. I had a blast! Didn’t seem like anyone was giving me looks from head to toes and judged me with their eyes ‘god she is fat!’

This week has been tough, but I now have so many small wins in my bag and overcoming several problems - something I thought I can never do. My motivation has skyrocketed. I could never believe that there might be a time where I am not thinking about food so obsessively. Of course, I know that this is just the beginning of my healing and a long way is to go. I do believe it takes months to amend the damage done in over 10 years.

One of my first fears when reading the book was: What if I eat myself to the absurd size of 400 lbs. seen in those scary reality shows. And my brain gave me the logical answer right away: those 400pound people are also mentally sick, obsessive over food. They have eaten themselves to the slaves of food from very early stage of their lives, being influenced by family, social environment and whatnot, but I am only in my early thirties and 80% of my life I have eaten well-balanced foods and been in the normal weight range, some years I struggled with slight overweight due to puberty and stress from massive changes in life, but this sorted itself out naturally as I got rid of the puberty hormones and stress, weight fluctuated minimally, until I hurled myself head first to the world of diets and eating disorders,

So, most definitely I cannot eat myself to a 400 lbs., it is not physically possible. Perhaps the most real case scenario would be me gaining to 65 kg +, which is coming close to small obesity, but even this is not highly possible as I see that when eating normally, I cannot fit that much food in me and when my metabolism actually heals, the weight should stabilize out and probably even go down a bit. That would actually be a dream: that it will stop going up AND DOWN. I really want that mental and physical stability back.

I miss a normal life. I am in a seriously perfect relationship which has been really close on the edge of abyss because of my sickly behavior. I have gambled with so many good things in my life and almost lost it all. Enough, seriously. I have

#thefuckitdiet #ed #ed recovery #eating disoder recovery #My Story #my journey

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amintyworld · 4 years

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All These Years - Sanders Sides TTRPG AU Oneshot

A/N: Hey guys! So… this has been in the making for a while. It’s based on a Sanders Sides Tabletop Roleplaying Game AU (Example: Dungeons and Dragons) by @ask-fantasy-sanders-sides, so if you’re interested you should totally check them out, the amount of detail and work put into it is amazing. A special thanks to Mango, the creator of the AU, for answering my constant messages and questions, thank you so much this fic would not be the same without you! Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this angsty fic! - Minty

Summary: Due to his drow blood, Virgil must watch his friends die as the years go by. Will he find happiness in a world without them?

TW: Major Character Deaths, blood, injury, violence, vomiting. (Tell me if I missed anything else!)

———————————

20 years, 8 months, and 15 days.

That’s how long he’d been alone. Or at least, physically alone.

After all this time he still couldn’t get the image of Logan laying on that bed out of his brain. It was strange.

After Patton had passed, they got closer. They both had lost a lot over the years, and Virgil didn’t want to lose more. He didn’t want that feeling of his heart being ripped to pieces as his family left.

Logan was the only family he had left.

They both spent their days reading books, watching their family grow and grow. The house was always filled with laughter and mysterious messes of various kinds. The house had gotten so big that he and Logan had to be moved to a small guest house next to it. Virgil loved to sit out on the porch in the rocking chairs Patton had made and look at the toddlers and children play in the treehouse Roman constructed to look like a tiny castle. He counted the seconds as the sun rose and fell, watching children and students alike file inside as he stared into space, always giving him a glance before getting through the door.

Sometimes, he’d find Logan up on the hill with the willow, just looking at the graves. Most of the time, he left things - books, pictures, flowers. Virgil always wondered what was going through his mind, what he might be feeling. Logan was not the emotional type, and Virgil just wanted to help him somehow, someway, as the elf had done for him. He always sat with him, not saying a word, holding Logan’s hand in his to give him some kind of comfort.

“I miss them, Virgil.” Logan’s voice was soft. Virgil looked at the graves and sighed.

“I know, Lo,” Virgil said. “I…do too.”

Both sat in a sort of comfortable silence for a few moments, a cold wind blowing leaves and hair around the sound of it filling Virgil’s ears before it calms down once more.

“Virgil, I…” Logan said, holding his necklace - Patton’s gold wedding band on a plain white string around his neck, yellowed over the years - for a bit of comfort. “I can’t help but wonder about Patton, you know - Janus, Remus, Roman…”

“You know that Roman and Remus wouldn’t take their eyes off us for a second, Teach,” Virgil said, smiling as his eyes began to water, thinking of them. “They’re probably still arguing over who died more heroically.”

Logan and Virgil shared a laugh as they both looked into the sky, almost as if expecting to see them. Virgil continued, his chest clenching uncomfortably. “Janus would come to break those two up before they bit each other’s heads off, and then he’d most likely get beat up in the process.” Virgil smiled, a few tears slipping down his cheeks that he didn’t even realize. “Patton… Patton would just look down at us and smile. He’s proud of you, you know.”

“W-well,” Logan said, his voice pained as his grasp on the ring got tighter. “Please excuse me if I don’t find a reason why.”

“Logan, you… you’ve done so much for me, for the kids-” Virgil said. “You’ve been taking care of them, helping them, writing a book - Me? All I’ve done since Patton died is just sit in a chair and watch!”

“Well, at least you actually grieved!” Logan snapped, tears streaming down his face. “I just threw myself into my work and pretended it didn’t matter. That HE didn’t matter-!”

“Logan, I know as well as you that you don’t think that,” Virgil said, looking at Logan with sincerity. “You loved Patton, and you still do. You love him more than anything. You keep his wedding ring around your heart because you do hurt, Logan. You hurt because he mattered so, so much to you.”

Logan wiped away his tears, Virgil at his side, holding his hand. “It hurts a lot, Virgil. It hurts more than it should sometimes.” Logan choked, tears rolling down his face.

“I…I know, Logan. I know.”

———————-

“Great Grandpa Virgil!”

Virgil’s eyes snapped open as he turned around to the halfling child - Bright red hair, freckles, and green eyes. Virgil smiled. “Duris.” The child halfling rushed in for a hug, and Virgil smiled, laughing a bit as he awkwardly embraced her. “Whatcha doing here, Dur?” Virgil asked his great-grandchild.

“Getting hugs, obviously,” Duris smirked. “What’s the plan for today?”

“Hm,” Virgil smirked. “What do you want it to be?”

That’s how Virgil ended up playing hide-and-seek in his own house - he closed his eyes and tried to smile as he heard the pitter-patter of feet. Duris was an incredibly sweet and determined girl. She visited Virgil every day she could, and Virgil more than appreciated the company. After all, he was barely visited now that the others were gone.

Years of staying in this house, of watching the days go by, not speaking much to anyone - no wonder some of the kids avoided him. Either out of fear or just a lack of care. The others were better with the conversation, and with them gone, so went the days the house seemed alive with chatter and laughter.

It was hard to believe so long ago he thought he needed no one. Now, for the first time in his life, Virgil was filled with painful loneliness. All he ever did now between visits with Duris was just staring out the window toward the tree on the hill with the gravestones standing tall. All he could do now is close his eyes and revel in memories of joy and compassion.

Virgil tried pushing the thoughts out of his head as he opened his eyes, slowly moving out of his chair without a sound, listening for breathing. He crept down the hallways of the house, smiling. Duris always had the best hiding spots, but it never stopped Virgil from finding her. He looked under tables and in cupboards and cabinets, and even at the ceiling.

Nothing. Virgil sniffed as his senses flared, and he grabbed the nearest weapon - a kitchen knife. Something was wrong. Duris wasn’t in the house.

Slowly, silently, he moved quickly around the house, listening intently, and following the faintest sound. He quickly scampered up a tree, huffing a bit from the effort. Suddenly he heard a cry and jumped from tree to tree, following it. He jumped the beast from above, pinning it to the floor and quickly holding the knife to its throat. The small beast, about twice the size of the small child, stared down Virgil intently. Virgil’s gaze fixed on the monster, unmoving.

The beast growled as low as it could muster. Virgil growled lower, barking at it, shaming it for its actions and telling it to never return. He would’ve killed it right there - good meal. But he didn’t want to scare Duris off, and besides, it was just a baby. He let it go as the beast skidded away quickly in fear. He nodded as the thing disappeared into the darkness, a mission well done.

He quickly turned to Duris. “Are you alright, Dur? Did it hurt you?” Virgil checked the girl over to find a few deep cuts, but Duris scooted away.

“V, I’m fine.” She waved off, smiling. “That was amazing, Grandpa!” Virgil quickly scooped the child in his arms and rushed back to the house. “H-huh?”

“Dur, you shouldn’t go near the fence.” He responded, getting back to the guest house and grabbing some medical supplies. He quickly pushed Duris down on a nearby table and set to work patching her up.

“I was just-”

“You were being stupid. That’s what you were doing, Duridili.” Virgil interrupted, using the full name Duris resented. Duris gave him a look, and she sighed.

“Fine, I was being - ugh!” Duris grunted as Virgil disinfected the wound. “I was being s-stupid. But, I.. I saw these flowers and I thought you’d…” Her breath hitched again. “Press down on the cloth harder, don’t ya?” She snapped a bit, and Virgil looked up with a glare.

——————————–

Roman winced as Virgil disinfected the slashes on his back. “You need to be more careful, you could’ve really hurt yourself!”

Roman chuckled through the stinging pain. “Aw, is my Dark and Stormy Knight worried about me?” Tears pricked Roman’s eyes as the pain increased, the disinfectant pressed against his wounds harder. “UGH-!” Roman’s voice cursed under his breath as another intense pain wave arrived. “Please, add more disinfectant, don’t mind me.” He quipped.

“Hey, I’m not the one who jumped off a cliff.” Virgil snapped back. He dipped the bloodied cloth in the bowl, rinsing it before dabbing the liquid on the blood-red slashes and scrapes. He sighed. “I’m not worried, Roman. You’re just stupid sometimes.” Virgil insisted. “Though it would be helpful if we didn’t have to waste supplies on your stupidity.”

“HEY-!”

——————————-

“Virgil?! Grandpa V!?”

Virgil snapped back to reality quickly. His eyes scanned around, trying to figure out where he was. “Dur…?”

“You spaced out, you were… mumbling again.” Duris quickly clarified. “You mumble a lot, are you okay, Grandpa?”

“Uh… fine. I’m fine, Duris.” Virgil’s eyebrows furrowed, and he tightened the bandage before securing it tightly. “You should go rest for a few days and keep an eye on it for me, alright?” Virgil helped her to the door. “No training.”

“Aw…” Duris sighed.

“Sorry, that’s the rules.” Virgil smiled, getting level with the girl before whispering. “Apparently if you go train, you may alert the bugs. I heard they take rule-breaking kids.”

Duris smiled mischievously with a front tooth missing, getting into a fighting stance. “No bugs gonna get meh!”

“Good.” Virgil ruffled her red locks. “Now go home.”

Virgil got up, leaning against the doorframe of the house with his arms crossed, smiling as the redheaded girl rushed home in the sunset.

——————————-

It had started as a cough. The two were reading in the study when a cough interrupted Virgil’s reading and he looked up. “Lo, are you alright?”

Logan gave a reassuring smile to his worried friend. “Virgil, I’m fine. My throat’s just a little dry.”

With that, the two went back to their calm afternoon of reading. A crisp autumn breeze swept through the window, blowing through Virgil’s hair and making him shiver, pulling the blankets around him closer. Logan was re-reading The Murder of Agatha Christie, looking content while sipping his afternoon tea. Virgil skimmed the page of poetry in front of him, relaxing as he heard the poem aloud in his mind.

“ACHOO-!”

Virgil’s eyes quickly looked up to his friend, sneezing into the elbow of his coat. “Your throat’s dry, huh?” He smirked, hiding his anxiety - he worried it could be something serious, though, from the looks of it, it looked to be a mere cold. “Seems like someone’s sick.”

“Virgil, please. It was one sneeze and a cough, I swear to you I am-” Logan barely finished his sentence before he doubled over in a coughing fit, shaking, his book dropped to the floor. Virgil rushed over quickly.

“We should get you to bed.”

His anxiety and worry grew, a part of him saying that Logan was sicker than he seemed, that he could die and then he’d be all alone-

No. Don’t think about that right now. Help Logan. Logan. Logan is the priority right now.

As soon as Logan was settled into bed, Virgil called for the healer. Logan insisted he was fine but Virgil pushed him back into bed, and he eventually fell asleep with a mountain of blankets on top of him. With nothing to do but wait, Virgil paced outside the door, trying to keep calm and breathe. His hands itched to do something, but he never left Logan’s side.

His hands twitched as he paced, breathing heavily.

——————————

Virgil worked on the skin of his latest hunt, trying to gather more furs for the coming winter season. He needed the gear for a good coat, the warmth of the normal ones wasn’t enough to keep out the chill on his bones. Virgil hummed to himself, closing his eyes for a moment…

Virgil jolted, his eyes wide open as he heard a loud screech, looking around. He saw shadows crossing the windows, running to grab his bow when something tackled him quickly to the ground. Whoever it was covered his mouth tightly, and Virgil began to struggle when a familiar face greeted him.

That short red hair and dopey grin. Roman. But… but how?! He… he was… he was….

“Quiet, Virge.” Roman said softly, slowly taking his hand off Virgil’s mouth. “That… that thing senses sound and movement. We need to be smart about this.”

He looked around…. There was Remus, Patton, Logan… they were all here except… Janus.

What was going on?!

Remus looked to his brother. “We need to do something fast, Ro. We can’t let that thing get the kids.”

KIDS?!

Logan and Patton held soft and small bundles in their hands. Two of them. Something about this was really strange. This seemed so familiar… what was he forgetting?

“You’re right. We can’t just be sitting ducks.” Roman and Remus’s eyes met, if only for a moment. A non-verbal exchange of words that meant everything. “Are you with me, Brother?”

Remus only smiled. “Till the end of time.”

Roman turned to the rest. “You three should stay in here. You’re dead meat outside. Me and Rem will handle this.”

Logan’s eyes widened. “What?! That’s crazy. If we don’t stand a chance neither can you.”

“We have wings, Lo. We’ll be fine. Just keep the kids safe.”

That’s when everything began to click in Virgil’s mind. Memories. This was when Remus and Roman - No. No no no! Virgil grabbed Roman’s arm as he turned to leave. “Roman, you can’t! Please, we’ll figure out something else, just please don’t go. Both of you, just don’t…” Tears welled in Virgil’s eyes.

“Virge?” Roman said, looking at his friend. “I promise, me and Remus will be fine. We’ll defeat it and be back before you know it.” Roman squeezed Virgil’s hand as he hugged him closely. “I love you, okay?”

Suddenly, he looked around, startled by the sound of the door, and looked down at his tear soaked pelt. He tried to quickly wipe away his tears, remembering what Logan always told him - he couldn’t change the past, no amount of wishing, praying, or even magic can change what happened. It just… happens, and life goes on. Even so, Virgil couldn’t help holding the hand Roman squeezed to his heart. He didn’t know if Roman could hear him, or if he was even watching him from above, so little could explain what he did next.

“I love you, too.” He whispered as he heard steps down the hall.

The young girl had grown quickly before Virgil’s eyes, around 12 now, her long red locks chopped off and determined to become a guard and protector for King Thomas’s son, King Lykos. Virgil knew Duris would always protect them.

But, when Virgil turned around, it wasn’t just Duris. A young boy with gray drow-like skin, yet no fangs or yellow eyes. Instead, they were a chocolate brown paired with a messy mop of black hair. “Oh hey Grandpa Virgil, I brought a… friend?” The boy looked to Virgil, and practically froze right there, scampering behind Duris to hide. Duris turned around to face the boy, giving him a comforting smile, reminding him or himself and Patton back in the day. “It’s okay, he’s not gonna hurt you, I promise.”

The kid smiled back and slowly replaced his old spot by Duris’s side. Virgil slowly approached as not to frighten the child, getting on a knee to be more level and giving him a warm smile. “Hey there. I don’t bite, I promise.”

The kid approached, looking at Virgil with slight curiousity. “I’m Skia. I’m… Duris’s friend.”

“Well, any friend of Duris’s is a friend of mine.” Virgil said, slowly getting up. It was a bit jarring how hard it was to do, but he quickly shrugged it off.

Duris smiled widely. “Grandpa, you gotta finish the story! The one about the beasts!”

“Which ones?” Virgil asks, smirking.

“You know which ones! The ones with the goo and the teeth!” Duris smiled, pointing a playful accusatory finger at Virgil. At this, Skia looks to Virgil, interested.

“Displacer Beasts? You encountered one?”

“Not just one, like… a zillion!” Duris said proudly. “During the dark season. My Grandpa Virgil took them all on by himself.”

“Well, not exactly, Dur.” Virgil interjected. “There were only eight, and no one, not even me, can take eight Displacer Beasts on alone.” Virgil moved to sit on his chair as Duris rushed to sit at his feet, tapping the spot next to her as Skia sat down.

“Then… what happened?” Skia asked curiously.

“Well, like I told you, no one can take eight Displacer Beasts on alone, but I was determined to try. I was hard-headed back in the day, and stubborn as a mule. Despite all this, I was given love even when I had not given them any in return.” Virgil began, before Duris quickly interjected.

“Grandpa Patton, Grandpa Logan, and Grandpa RoRo!” She smiled, and Virgil nodded.

“That’s right. I cared for them as much as they did for me, possibly even more. So, when we were surrounded by beasts I was ready to make any sacrifice, even myself, to make sure they were safe.”

———————————–

They told him there wasn’t anything they could do for him. He’d gotten a chill, and with his age…there wasn’t much to do but hope he’d fight off the sickness. “The man is 163, Virgil. It’s a miracle he’s survived this long.”

“But there’s gotta be something, some kind of magic, or potion, or…o-or…” Virgil begged, looking toward the bedroom with worry.

“Virgil, I’m sorry, but-”

“I’ll do anything, please! Take my magic, my blood, my life, anything at all! Just… just let him live…” Virgil’s voice cracked slightly from pain, and emotion welled up in his throat as the healer eyed him with sympathy and concern. She slowly took his hand in her own, rubbing circles into his palm.

“If there’s anything Logan needs right now, it’s you. Just be there. Help take care of him and make sure he stays in bed, and if… if it really is the end, at the very least he had you to hold his hand.” She said calmly, trying her best to comfort him. “I’m so sorry, if I could do something I would…”

The two embraced, pulling away from each other but hands still held together in friendship and comfort. “Make sure he eats, monitor his temperature, and don’t let him out of that bed. If you ever need me you know where to find me, okay?”

Virgil just nodded as she turned, flipping her hood up as she grabbed her bag and left out the door, leaving Virgil alone. It took Virgil a few minutes to sit there, head in his hands, trying to breathe, and trying to wrap his head around everything. Then, he found himself slowly moving toward the bedroom, quietly heading inside. Logan sat on the bed, looking up at Virgil as he entered. Virgil tried to muster a smile to his friend as he sat down next to the bed. “Hey Lo…”

“It’s not good, is it?” Logan said, breaking the awkward silence as he looked to his friend. Virgil could barely look Logan in the eyes as emotion once again welled up in his throat. Should he tell him? Would it be harder or easier to not have him know? Virgil just looked at his lap, hands fidgeting, not knowing what to do, or what to say. Then, Logan’s outstretched hand landed on his knee, and softly squeezed. Virgil slowly met Logan’s eyes - the strands of grey in his white hair, the few wrinkles and age showing just how old he’d become, yet his eyes still held the same shine as they did when they met, full of wisdom and curiosity.

Tears slowly fell from Virgil’s eyes as Logan’s began to water, looking at his friend with a comforting smile, and soon the two embraced, holding each other tightly as they cried.

————————————

“Elder Virgil, we need a word, if you have a minute?” Virgil looked up from Logan’s quarterstaff in his lap, and nodded, putting it aside and moving outside, grabbing his fur-lined cloak. Snow coated the ground as Virgil walked outside, watching children - the small and the tall, the old and the young - playing in the snow, laughing and smiling. His heart warmed watching them.

“What seems to be the trouble, Hyfrid?” Virgil asked, turning his attention to the elf in front of him with black eyes and blonde, curly hair that was tied up to the top of his head in a bun.

“Well, we’ve been having a few attacks near the southeast edge of the fence, a pack of dire wolves moved into the area. We’ve sanctioned off the area for now and sent a hunting party, but they haven’t returned and-”

“And you want me to deal with it?” Virgil questioned.

“We were hoping you had any ideas on how to deal with them, seeing as you’re as close as a monster expert as we have.”

Virgil leaned on his cane as he stood up, and Hyfrid followed suit. Virgil looked at him. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Are you going to show me where they are, or am I just going to have to scope it out?” Virgil asked, and Hyfrid looked confused.

“You’re not seriously thinking about fighting the entire pack yourself?”

“There’s a problem that needs dealing with, so let’s go deal with it, huh?” Virgil said simply, moving and leaning on his cane slightly as he moved, walking southern, checking to make sure his dagger was where it should be, and smiling to find he hadn’t forgotten it. Hyfrid looked dumbfound, running to keep up.

“As much as we appreciate your help, Elder Virgil, you…you’re not- we can handle this one ourselves, no need to worry-”

“Oh, I’m not worried, Hyfrid. A pack of dire wolves is a lot simpler to deal with than you think.” Virgil said. “Just gotta take down the alpha and we should be good to go. Will make a nice pelt, too.” He saw the wolves from a distance. “Ah, there we are.” He held out his cane to Hyfrid. “Would you hold this, please?”

Hyfrid slowly took the cane. “Elder Virgil, I really don’t think-”

Virgil jumped the fence and slowly approached the wolves, growling, as two others came to join them, one moving in front. Virgil quickly took his dagger and charged, striking it in the head as its claws sank into his arm and he winced slightly as the wolf went limp. The other wolves, at this began to slowly approach and growl, but Virgil simply laid the dead wolf on the ground, got on his hands and knees, and began to growl back, barking before running at them, chasing them away. He then stood up, satisfied, as he went back to get the wolf pelt.

“I told you Hyfrid, take down the Alpha and they’ll run away with their tails between their legs.”

—————————————-

“There’s got to be another way. You can’t leave.” Virgil said as he sat, watching Patton begin to pack. “It’s not safe out there alone, Pat.”

“I can’t just leave Thomas, he needs me. The kingdom’s at war again and he needs help.” Patton said, turning to grab his cloak.

“Then why don’t we just all go? It’ll be safer.” Virgil asked.

“Not with kids it won’t be. With the war right now, it’s not safe for them to travel.” Patton explained. “You and Logan need to stay here and make sure they’re safe. Thomas called on us, I’m the one who needs to go. From the letter, he’s not doing so well.”

Logan walked in the room and looked at Patton. “Finally got them all to sleep. They’re all worried about you, dear.”

“I can’t say I don’t agree, Pat.” Virgil said. “Thomas has other people there, you don’t need to go. Just stay, please.”

“I promise I won’t be gone long, okay? Around a week at most.” Patton said, shouldering a bag full of supplies. “Take care of the kids, make sure you get them to bed on time, and I promise I’ll be home soon.” Patton said, turning to leave and facing Logan, who slowly took his hands in his and brought them up to kiss the palms, making Patton smile.

“I know you can handle yourself out there, but even so I can’t help but worry. Please… please be safe.” Logan said, as Patton brought his hand up to cup Logan’s cheek lovingly. “I don’t know what I’d do if…if…”

“Hey. I’m not going anywhere, Logie. I promise I’ll be back before you know it.” Patton kissed Logan’s cheek lovingly. “I love you.”

“I…I love you too, Patton.”

No one could have known. No one could have predicted it. It was a heavy thunderstorm, lightning cracking against the walls and sending the little ones to shivers. Logan sat, calming the children down as they dove to hide under the blankets, and telling stories. Virgil sat tending the fire and cooking the meal for the night’s dinner, smiling as he listened in on Logan’s story.

No, they couldn’t have known, but that doesn’t mean the guilt goes away.

Virgil’s ears perked up at the sound of hooves outside as they suddenly came to a stop. Then, a knock at the door. Logan and Virgil share a glance as Logan gets up from his spot and Virgil as few paces behind, standing near Logan’s previous spot. The thunder boomed as the rain hit the roof in its own symphony. Logan opened the door.

“Thomas? What are you doing… where’s Patton?” Logan asked. The King looked saddened, and Virgil’s heart began to whisper ‘Oh no… not again…’ “Where’s Patton?” Logan repeated, and Thomas looked up to him.

“He…he got ambushed, I sent out my best men looking for him, but… he was just… gone.”

“Gone? What do you mean gone?!” Logan yelled, and Thomas looked saddened again, staring at the floor. “Goddammit, answer me!”

Thomas took Logan’s hand, and slowly dropped something in the palm, closing it. “I’m… I’m so sorry, I…” Thomas seemed at a loss for words before turning around, getting on his horse and leaving. Logan still stood there, with the door open, rain splattering the ground outside, his palm closed tightly, stunned.

A few of the older children had led the others into the bedroom, promising more stories, knowing that the two needed their privacy, not really knowing what was going on. Virgil slowly moved to put his hand on Logan’s shoulder. “Lo…?” Logan silently closed the door, and moved to sit next to the fire. Virgil’s stomach sank. Something was wrong. “Logan, is he…?”

Logan slowly took Virgil’s hand, and placed a golden wedding band inside it.

————————————————–

Duris had grown up to be a recruit and eventually fighter in King Lykos’s regime. She wrote many letters to Virgil and even visits when she can. Even though Virgil is happy and proud of Duris, he still misses their games of hide-and-seek and the hours telling stories. Skia grew up to be a researcher of different lands, and sends letters when he can to Virgil about his findings and adventures, much more scarce than Duris’s.

Virgil relies more and more on his cane as the months pass, and soon enough can’t get up the hill anymore to visit the graves, and even just moving around becomes a struggle. Even though the family offers, Virgil insists he doesn’t need anyone to take care of him, and he can take care of himself just fine. The days bore on without Skia or Duris to fill it, Virgil staring out the window, remembering.

Remembering hot chocolate and tea over jokes and books and smiles.

Remembering sparring and practice and pride.

Remembering acceptance and love and joy.

Remembering forgiveness and family.

Remembering loss and grief and sadness.

Remembering Duris and Skia.

Remembering Logan, Janus, Patton, Remus, and Roman.

Until one day, he stares out the window and can’t seem to remember anything. He struggles to remember, he has to remember! He couldn’t forget his love for them. He couldn’t have! He moved quickly around the house, looking at pictures and rings and staffs and swords, remembering bits and pieces at a time. He was determined if he couldn’t visit the graves, he was going to remember them. Forgetting them, it was like losing them all over again.

As he reached for a journal of Logan’s, he grabbed the book but lost his footing on the ladder, falling, falling, falling until he crashed into complete darkness.

————————————-

Virgil read to Logan every day, no matter how boring the book. He made sure he reads all of Logan’s favorites. Logan coughed and sneezed between smiles, always leaning his head against Virgil’s shoulder as they read, eyes closed and peaceful, sometimes fast asleep.

Virgil always made soup for Logan, smelling hearty and flavorful, which half the time ended up somewhere in a bag or on the floor by the afternoon. Virgil doesn’t mind, and gave him bread to eat instead when Logan’s stomach lurched.

Despite Virgil’s 24-hour care for him, his condition slowly begins to deteriorate to coughing up mucus, to coughing up blood. His temperature flares, and his just lies in bed, lying in pain and suffering, struggling to sleep most nights.

The two lay on the bed, hands linked together, staring up at the ceiling, a book they’d been reading laying open on top of Virgil’s stomach. “Virgil?”

“Hm?”

“Can you promise me something?”

“What?”

“When I… die, you need to move on. You can’t… blame yourself for any of this, you couldn’t have done anything, you know?”

“I…I know, Logan.”

“You can’t focus on the past, okay? It can’t be changed, no matter how much you wish it could. Be… be happy. Take care of yourself. Never be afraid of having family, of having friends who love you as much as we did.” Logan said, stopping for a silent moment. “We… don’t forget how much we love you. How much I love you.”

“I won’t, I…I promise.” Virgil said. “I love you so much, okay? And… and if you see the rest of those idiots up there, make sure they know how much I love them.”

“I promise.”

Nothing else was said that night, and Virgil woke up the next morning, quickly realizing Logan had passed in his sleep, his cold hand still wrapped around Virgil’s. Virgil slowly gave Logan’s forehead a parting kiss, and it was all over.

Then, Virgil was left alone.

—————————————–

Virgil was overly aware of his heartbeat as the world came to once again, a healer he couldn’t recognize patting his head with a cloth, staining it red. “Ah, there we are again! Welcome back. You took quite a fall there, scared us all half to death.”

“I fell?”

“Yep, quite a fall if I do say so myself. Cracked a few ribs, I might add. Once I’m done bandaging your head here, I’ll recheck your vitals for any more problems. Just hang in there, alright?”

Virgil’s eyes began to wander to the ceiling, letting his mind drift…

“Virgil? Virgil…?” The voice was familiar, he hadn’t heard it in years. He wanted to reach out and-

“Hey! Hey. Sir, I need you to stay awake, alright? Just stay with me, please.”

Virgil felt so tired, but tried his best to keep his eyes open…

“Virgil?! Oh I’ve missed you so-”

“Sir, SIR! Please don’t fall asleep on me.” The healer seemed anxious, but Virgil was far from anxious, he was tired, so tired… His heartbeat thumped louder and louder in his ears.

“Virgil, I’ve waited so long to give you a hug again! You have no idea how much I’ve missed you!”

He felt colder and colder, the spot on his head growing warmer and warmer until it was boiling, and he felt someone press hard against the pain, making it worsen. He was in so much pain, he just wanted to sleep…

“Virgil, I love you.”

“I love-” “-you.”

18 notes · View notes

marmolady · 3 years

Text

Livita: Part Two

Book/Series: Endless Summer

Main Pairings: Estela x MC/Taylor (f)

Summary: Post-ending. Freed from Vaanu, Taylor has been building a life with her soulmate… but their family remains not quite complete. Read PART ONE and PART THREE.

Word Count: 3545

Reviews and reblogs are hugely appreciated!

Tagging: @sceptilemasterr @saivilo @greengroove

San Trobida, March 2023

The months initially dragged by; the nervous wait for those vital early milestones agonising. Life had taught Estela that nothing good ever came easily; at any moment this could all turn to tragedy-- she woke up each morning with no expectation that she wouldn’t have lost the baby by the next. Taylor was far more secure in her optimism, though at times it did threaten to crumble. Some five weeks in, the pair were married, officially, in the grounds of Catalyst International’s new San Trobidan resort, surrounded, of course, by their extended family. At the end of the night, Estela had said ‘screw you’ to fate, and confided her condition to her tio, who had wept with joy. His belief in her, the support unyielding as always, did wonders to help her through those most vulnerable days.

After the twelve week scan, there was a joint exhale of relief, and the reality that this was happening at last began to set in. Through those early months, home was San Trobida with Tio Nicolas. In time, Estela and Taylor would return to La Huerta, where they had always planned to raise their child, close to Aleister and Grace’s own little family, and to Diego and Varyyn. Estela would not be fit to travel for a whole lot longer, though, so the time spent with her uncle was precious. While in San Trobida, Taylor was faced with a rush to establish her youth programmes during the brief window in which she’d be available with her full attention. The country was in the midst of a great rebirth, its people boldly stepping out from the shadows left by the cruel dictatorship that the revolutionaries had brought to its knees. To be able to play her own part in that story was, to Taylor, an immense honour, and a responsibility she took very seriously. Those fleeting months were intense, with meetings on top of meetings and enough networking to test even her people skills. Once the baby arrived, everything else would take a back seat, and her role would be as a part-time counsellor specialising in LGBTQ+ youth, and a mentor to students-- all of which she could carry out from their La Huerta home.

Estela had slowly dialed back her role with Catalyst International-- with both herself and Aleister on parental duties, delegation had become increasingly necessary. She kept up with the few bits and pieces that interested her, primarily assistance and scholarships for San Trobidan students, which allowed her to work nicely in tandem with Taylor, but anything else could be someone else’s problem. Staying with her uncle, a sense of peace had descended upon Estela. Her body gradually changed-- and morning sickness had plagued her-- but she took it in her stride.

The front door creaked as Taylor strode through. “Honey, I’m home!” She found Estela sitting cross-legged on the couch, leafing through a collection of baby sewing patterns. “Hey, are you feeling better?”

“Better. You didn’t have to come home….”

“As if I need an excuse to be with you.” Taylor crossed the room, and sat herself beside her wife. “I finished what I needed to get done. So, I got myself back to where I needed to be.”

Estela huffed happily. “I won’t complain. Maybe we could work on that blanket some more. You know how much of a kick Tio gets out of the sight of me knitting.”

“Yeah,” Taylor giggled. “He laughs, but I’m pretty sure he knows you are more than capable of disemboweling someone with those needles if a threat came up.”

“Of course. A spear could never be so subtle.”

They laughed together, then Estela took Taylor’s hands. “Actually, I wanted to share something with you, in my room. We can knit at the same time.”

Estela’s old room had changed little since she was a teenager; it was a cramped but cosy space, decked out with just a few shelves of childhood possessions and faded photographs upon a narrow dresser. Nowadays, alongside the charred-edged photo of a young Estela on the beach with her mother and uncle, was another of Estela-- now older, far more battle-scarred and world-weary-- on the very same beach, her arms around a smiling Taylor. Sat on that worn single bed, Estela could enjoy the comfort of familiarity as she carried on her journey toward a great unknown… and with her wife beside her, she found the courage to face the shadows that crept in along with those memories.

“Gordita, I made you up some of your horrible patacones,” Nicolas announced, pushing open the bedroom door with a shoulder as he presented a large plate. Since the pregnancy had been announced, Estela had been his gorda, with no care paid to how small her bump might actually be. At six months along, though, the belly was living up to that new nickname. “I despair. You get rid of one dictator, and suddenly we have jumped-up young people thinking they can eat peanut butter and jelly with their patacones. Is this the terrible price of freedom? Have I made a grave error?”

Estela snorted with laughter, taking the plate as her uncle kissed her forehead. “And yet you made these up for me; I must be very loved.”

“Always, mija. But you should notice there are some with mango salsa for your poor wife. I won’t have her suffer for your insanity.”

Taylor smiled, gratefully taking a patacone.Nicolas has been doting on the both of them relentlessly since the news had been broken-- Taylor didn’t think she’d ever seen him quite so happy. When the time finally came for them to leave for La Huerta, it would be a great wrench. “Cheers! You’re the best.”

“I’ll have that in writing, Taylita.” Nicolas’ eyes twinkled as he looked over his nieces. The time was fast approaching that they would be on their way again, ready to start the greatest of adventures. He would miss them so. La Huerta had never been a draw to him-- he’d not visited once-- but there was no doubt in his mind that even his stubbornness would have to concede once Estela had that baby in her arms. There was not a force on heaven or earth that could keep him away. “Okay, gorda. I will leave you to it. I’m sure you’ll let me know if you have any other culinary abominations you want me to whip up.”

“Thanks, Tio.”

Alone together in their small sanctuary, Estela and Taylor cuddled close. Taylor braved a nibble of one of Estela’s controversial patacones and admitted that Nicolas had a point. Those things just weren’t right.

“I’m with Tio,” she said. “Our little nene has played havoc on your taste buds.”

Estela chuckled, more forced than she’d have liked. There was something else on her mind. And it hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“Hey. Are you okay? You had something you wanted to show me?”

For a moment, Estela considered changing her mind. It had been over a decade that she’d avoided this, what was to say that now was suddenly the right time? The bump of a little foot up against her ribs gave her clarity. She wanted to show this to her baby someday; that meant she had to brave it. She pulled up her laptop and placed it on the bedside table, then rummaged in a drawer, taking out a disc.

“It’s… it’s our old home videos.” She took a deep breath. “Tio put it on a DVD ages back to make sure we didn’t lose it, and he had an extra copy made for me. You know, just in case I ever….” Her cheeks became pink. “I… I haven’t watched this for a long time.” How long, she didn’t say, but she didn’t doubt that Taylor would know, understand.

Taylor squeezed her wife, her own pulse quickening. She knew this was huge. “I would love to watch with you. So much. But only if you’re really ready.”

“I think sometimes, the closest thing you’re ever going to get to being ready is wanting to be.” Estela offered a wobbly smile as she picked up on Taylor’s concern. “Mi amor, I’m okay. I’m doing this with you.”

She leaned into Taylor as the DVD began to play. Then came a voice that made her heartbeat quicken.

“Hola Nicolas!” Olivia said, waving with one hand, while she supported the small infant Estela with the other. “Here she is! This is your niece. This is Estela.”

Taylor felt Estela’s hand clench around the bottom of her shirt, clinging on for comfort. She placed her own hand on top and gently squeezed. I’m here.

They watched as Olivia placed the infant in a bassinet, then picked up the camera to give a tour of her home.

“So, this is the first place I lived; my mom’s apartment in Colombia,” Estela explained, her voice shaking at first, then steadying. This… didn’t hurt as much as she’d anticipated. If anything, it was a comfort. The last pieces of film she’d seen of her mother had been that horrifying footage in the Elysian, and the VR warning message from Olivia’s office in the MASADA complex. This was Estela’s mother as she knew her, the person she’d been missing so painfully. There was the inevitable pang of longing as she looked at that face, but the wash of memories made her seem closer than she’d been for so many years. “It was a few months before she had everything sorted so we could move to Tio Nicolas’ place, so Mom made a videotape to send him. A friend at the lab she worked at gave her the camera; it was so Tio could see the new baby, but we used it a long time after that.”

With the apartment tour complete, the camera was placed down on some unseen table or stand, and Olivia came back into the frame, picking up baby Estela and cradling her in her arms.

“If you’re lucky, you might get a smile out of her,” Olivia said, grinning as she gently tickled Estela under her chin. “The twentieth of July was her first real smile. You’re going to laugh at me, but I cried. Maybe you’ll get it when you meet her. She’s just so, so beautiful. I swear I’m addicted to this girl.”

Taylor snuggled under Estela’s arm, and watched, entranced, as the baby on the screen grew and changed under the loving care of her mother, and then uncle as well.

“Wow, Tio Nicolas looks different!” she commented, to Estela’s chuckle. Time, unimaginable stress, and facial hair could do that to a person. It was impossible not to smile as she watched the young Nicolas bouncing his little niece on his foot. That he’d be utterly, totally smitten with Estela’s own child had to be the surest thing in the world. Taylor saw on that screen an image of a dream come true, a future that now lay before her and Estela. God, could I be any more clucky right now?

“That’s going to be us, Taylor. Our own little family.”

Instinctively, Taylor put her hand to Estela’s bump, stroking it. Her family with her soulmate; it wasn’t what she’d been made for, but she was certain it was what she was meant for.

“I’m going to be someone’s mom. When I think about it, it’s just… incredible.” She cuddled in close, and gently kissed Estela’s cheek and forehead. “It means so much that you shared this with me.” She gestured to the screen. That had taken a whole lot of bravery. “Watching this… I see so much of you when I see your mom.”

“She would have been an amazing abuelita,” Estela said softly. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply. Her mother’s sacrifice had brought her to Taylor. This new family would carry a great deal of Olivia Montoya’s influence, though she’d never know. “Thank you. I know it’s silly for me to say this, but I really appreciate you saying that. I’m gonna do her proud.”

The child on the screen was older now, toddling around the so-familiar house on stumpy legs. She held in her arms a soft doll.

“Oh-- that’s Babydoll. I was… creative at naming things when I was two. Mami gave him to me on my birthday, and I just took him everywhere. It always made sense to me; there was no way in hell Mami would ever leave me it home, so how could I ever leave my baby?”

“So, when you say you always wanted to be a mom?”

“Yeah, it goes back a long way.” Estela stroked her belly, meeting Taylor’s hand there. “I’m glad I had no idea just how rough the path would be… how that dream just burned and died. But we’re going to get there.”

She could see it. A lot of what had made her childhood had been lost in a wash of pain and trauma, but it couldn’t be taken away completely. Those memories, there before her, they were still a part of her. Those warm family moments were hers to pass on to her own child.

“Actually, I think Mom kept Babydoll. Maybe as a souvenir of my brief period of childhood innocence. I should dig him out--” She faltered, and her cheeks flushed. This shouldn’t still be a problem….

Catching on in an instant, Taylor squeezed Estela’s knee, and met her eye with a warm and loving gaze. “We have time. And if we need to enlist Tio Nicolas to do most of the necessary rummaging, that’s fine too. It would be really nice for nene to have something of yours.” Memories were powerful. They made up so much of who each person was. Lacking her own childhood, Taylor had found herself gain a great deal from Estela’s, something that had always been generously shared with no hesitation, in spite of the pain that came with those memories. That family history was important, and it bonded them together.

With a small, appreciative smile, Estela nodded. “Yes… we have time.”

La Huerta, May 2023

“Right; tell me. Which end am I kissing?” Taylor scooched forward in the sand, reveling in the gentle heat of the lowering sun upon her back and shoulders.

“That’ll be nene’s back.” Estela gestured to her lower belly, then the top. “Head. Butt. Right where they should be.”

Taylor smiled warmly, and went back to lay another kiss against her wife’s swollen abdomen. “Bub’s got it all worked out. Ready to high-tail it outta there and start lapping up the cuddles.”

“It’s come around fast,” Estela stated. It had. Almost too fast. Pregnancy had been an adjustment for sure, but she’d become comfortable with sharing her body with the small passenger. She could take care of herself, and that meant that baby’s needs were met too. What came next was a great unknown. Estela knew better than most how good intentions of keeping a beloved child out of harm’s way could go up in flames. What her life had been… grateful though she was for the person it had made her, she didn’t want a life like that for her baby. She could tell herself that it would be different, that the fight was over, but she’d seen too much to not be protective. The person she might have gone to for reassurance, the person who’d truly have understood, was long lost to her. Rarely had Estela missed her own mother more than in these days leading up to the big event. It made her all the more grateful for Taylor; already completely besotted with the tiny person they were waiting to meet. In Taylor, her loving hero, she had all the faith in the world.

“Yeah...” Taylor put on a forlorn gaze as she looked up into Estela’s shining eyes. “Just a few more days, and I won’t be able to outrun you anymore. I’m pretty devastated.”

“You’re a beautiful dork, Taylor. But don’t worry. You’ll be able to keep ahead of nene for a few years, if you’re lucky.”

Taylor snuggled into Estela’s lap, and together, they watched the sun journey towards the horizon. The rising tide licked at their bodies. All was peaceful, tranquil; the only sounds were the rolling of the waves, the calls of tropical birds, and the distant laughter of children in Elyys’tel, voices carried upon the wind. Taylor quietly studied Estela from head to toes, taking in everything. The pregnancy had added further lines to Estela’s scar-painted body; marks of something happy at last. Her carriage gave off a quiet confidence; the baby was safe in its strong, resilient vessel. And in Estela’s face, once the vision of heavy burdens, so great that it might might have been those of the whole world… quiet, happy serenity. Taylor felt a wave of affection wash over her. It happened to her a lot. Goodness knew how she’d ever get anything done when she had Estela and the baby to love on all day.

“Estela?”

“Mi amor?”

“You know, I think a part of me is going to miss this. Being able to put my arms around you and hold the two people I love most in the world at the same time.”

Estela’s lips quirked into a smile. “You’ll still be able to do that. Soon enough, baby will be hugging you back.”

“It’s… got to be normal to be a little scared, right? I’ve got nothing, nothing at all to look back and remember as a reference for how the hell to raise a kid. What if I--”

“Taylor.” Estela took Taylor’s face in her hands; gentle but firm. God, Taylor… no one could ask for more than to be loved by you. “I’m scared too. But I’d be a hundred times more scared if I wasn’t doing this with you. It’s a whole actual person depending on us. A whole person we could screw up in a million different ways. But we won’t. Taylor, look at me. You won’t. Just… be scared with me. And all of us… we’ll be okay.”

Taylor pulled herself up and put both arms around Estela. Holding the two people she loved most at the same time. To be scared with Estela was almost to not be afraid at all. “You’re right. Wise Mama Estela.”

“Because of you. Don’t forget that.” And Estela kissed the tip of her beloved’s nose, growing cold with the retreat of the sun. She gave a little wink. “Mama Taylor.”

Her eyes glazing dreamily as she stared out to the sunset over the sparkling sea, Taylor felt a little kick against the arm that she had around Estela’s middle. She didn’t even need to look to know that there would be the most beautiful of smiles across her wife’s face. Pure elation. Mama Taylor? She could get used to that.

#endless summer #estela montoya #estela x mc #playchoices #taylor montoya #nicolas montoya #choices fanfiction

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cozywritings · 4 years

Text

Stitches ch8: To The Man Who Let Her Go

You were woken up by the sound of your door opening, someone was obviously trying to be quiet. Obviously it was Shawn, he’s the only one with a a spare key card. When you rolled over you heard a soft “shit”, as he feared being caught. You wanted to just sit up and have him cuddle into you, you could smell his cologne across the room, but you kept your eyes closed, letting him do whatever he was planning.

He rustled around for a few minutes, and you heard the sound of paper, you wanted so badly to see what he was doing but he was obviously trying to do something special. Finally you heard him move closer to you, his hands resting by your head while he sat next to you on the bed.

He pressed a soft kiss to your head before rubbing your side softly. “Hey there princess. Wanna wake up for me? I’ve got a surprise for you.” Opening your eyes, you couldn’t help but smile. There was your adorable boy, smiling down at you with a terrible case of bed head.

“I heard there was a surprise waiting for me.” You giggled, getting louder when he looked offended.

“You wouldn’t wake up for kisses but you’ll get up for gifts. I see how it is.” He crossed his arms and pouted as you laughed.

You sat up, pressing your lips to his shoulder. “You don’t wanna kiss me before I brush my teeth, that would be gross.” you mumbled against his skin.

He looked at you with the most fake serious face he could muster, “Of course I would. Come give your man some love.” You pulled back, watching him move to wrap his arms around you and pull you into his lap.

With your legs straddling his thighs, he hummed into the kiss, fingers tangling in the bottom of your hair. “Mhm good morning princess.” He hummed, lips kissing around your face.

“Good morning bub. You seem happy today.”

He nodded against your hair. “Gonna get to show off my girl tonight. I’ll have the most beautiful date with me. Of course I’m happy.”

A blush found its way across your face as he spoke. “So I thought that you could go shopping today and get a gorgeous dress for tonight. And then if you have time when you get done, we can lay out by the pool.”

You nodded, “That sounds amazing.” Already, you were mentally counting how much you could spend on a dress, and possibly new shoes with the savings from nannying over the summer.

“Perfect. Well you can’t go shopping without some reinforcements.” He smiled, motioning to your desk that had a large caramel macciato with what looked like extra caramel, some fruit, and what looked like an envelope. “I made sure the coffee was decaf because I know that caffeinated coffee makes you spaz out.” You got up quickly, padding over to take a giant sip.

“God I love you. What’s in here?” You asked, reaching for the envelope. He looked bright red, biting his lip as you opened it. Your eyes widened as you saw the money. “Sh- Shawn. There’s a lot of money in here. What…. what are you doing?”

He just blushed and smiled at you. “I wanted you to go get a dress for tonight, and whatever else you want. Think of it as a birthday gift.” He stood up and walked over to you.

“Shawn, my birthday was last month. You got me a bracelet and took me to dinner.” you looked at him in shock.

He smiled down at you and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “Also, I know you are ready, and so I wanted it to be perfect. I’ve got us a room in the hotel that the dinner is held at, and there’s a bottle of champagne on ice that’ll be waiting for us.”

You just stared at him, unable to properly think. “Shawn that. Wow. I- I’m gonna go get Emily. We’ve gotta shop!” He smiled, leaning down to press a kiss to your cheek.

“Can you have breakfast with your boyfriend first?” He asked, popping open the lid on the fruit container and you nodded, popping a strawberry into your mouth.

---

“Oh my god you two are finally ready!?” Emily squealed as you pulled into the outlet parking lot. “Yeah. I think I’ve been ready for a few weeks now, and Shawn’s got a whole evening planned and everything. So we have a….” you paused, finally actually counting the money in the envelope and choking on your strawberry mango smoothie. “A thousand dollar… um, budget for today. Good god Shawn.”

Emily coughed next to you “He works where, again? Where the fuck did he get that kind of money?” You just shrugged, not having an answer yourself.

“He didn’t say. Just told me to “go wild with my outfit and then some.” Stuffing the money back in your purse, the two of you hopped out of your little Versa, making your way to the first store.

“So what color dress are you thinking?? Or do you know?” She asked, tossing her empty smoothie cup into the trash before walking into the first shop.

Looking at a pale pink dress, you shrugged, “Maybe blue. But I’ll probably go with a black dress, unless something really speaks to me.” She nodded, flipping through dresses on a rack.“Now why would they use such an older dress in the window?” You mumbled to yourself as you noticed a dress that was at least two years old in the mannequin in the storefront.

“What was that?” An elderly lady in a navy suit asked.

She was obviously the manager, and you bit your lip, embarrassed she heard you. “I was just saying that you should change out the dress in the front, it’s an older style. Not many girls are wearing two piece dresses anymore. It’s all about the cutouts, deep V’s and thigh slits right now. Plus, it’s a pastel blue. You should really have a jewel toned dress up there.” She looked at you, both irritated and shocked at your brutally honest input.

“I- and how would you know that?” Her voice higher now that she was irritated at your call out.

You rolled your eyes, “It’s my job to know that.” You stated, looking over at Emily who was eyeing a dark green velvet dress. The woman just looked at you, then over at the window and grabbed a new dress off the rack and made her way over to the display.

“What about this one?” Emily asked, showing you a black dress that looked more like a bodysuit with a tulle skirt.

You absoltely loved it, “It’s gorgeous, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for the Med Department.” You laughed, taking note of how revealing the dress truely was. She nodded, placing it back on the rack and moving around the store.

It was just after noon when you stopped for lunch at a small shop, only ordering a small salad knowing you’d have a big dinner, you were getting a massage soon, and also, you still haven’t found a dress and didn’t want to be bloated. “There’s still one more dress shop I wanna try before I just go back for that blue one.” You said, tossing your salad container into the trash can.

Walking into the shop, you could just feel that you were going to find the dress. It just had to be in there. “Oh my god. Look at this!” Emily squealed, pulling out a black dress with a semi-deep V neck. “That’s… fucking perfect for you Oh my god.” You reached for the dress, running towards the dressing room.

“This is absolutely beautiful. I love this so much!” You smiled, looking on the mirror, you hadn’t shawn Emily yet. When you walked out, she had to cover her mouth to conceal her scream. “You have to get that one.” Was all she could say. That’s when you knew, you had to have it.

---

Now completely relaxed, and all the tension was out of your body, you and Emily made your way back to the dorm. “He’s going to completely lose his shit when he sees you in that dress. I wish I could see it.”

You looked over at her and smiled. “Thanks for coming with me today. It really means a lot, everything you’re doing for me. I really appreciate it Em.” She reached over and grabbed your hand, squeezing it as a silent acceptance. “So, anything new with the cute guy in your bio class?”

She shook her head. “While I’m bi. He’s fully gay. So there’s not a lot going on there.” You both laughed at the irony. “But that girl you mentioned to me, she’s really sweet and we are going to get some milkshakes tonight as a casual date!” You were glad to see her happy. Emily had basically become your best friend since that first day.

---

You checked your phone: 6:25. Shawn should be there to get you any minute, and you were practically shaking. You looked yourself over in the mirror one last time before putting on the dress. Your body was clad in a navy blue lace set, it was the last purchase of the day.

You smiled as you stepped into the dress, zipping up the side and slipping on your new heels. One last fluff of your hair, and there was a knock on the door. “Darling, are you ready? I’m too excited to see you.” You could hear the smile and nerves in his voice.

Without saying anything, you swung open the door. Shawn was standing there in a navy suit with black shoes, but when he saw you he practically fell to his knees. “Oh fuck. You… you’re so beautiful. I can’t even believe it.” Both of your cheeks turned a rosy pink at the statement. “Are you ready to go, my love? You don’t have a bag packed.” His eyebrows pulling together.

“Don’t need one.” You smiled, pecking his cheek as they turned a deeper pink. He blinked quickly before ushering you out to the car, taking a second to steal a few kisses before pulling out of the parking lot.

“Damn Mendes, when you said you were going to have the best date, you weren’t kidding!” Some guy with curly blonde hair announced, clapping Shawn on the back.

“I told you guys. My girl is better than your lack of dates or the fact that half of you brought friends.” You just watched as he shot a wink over at you. “Honey, this is Trevor. He was my roommate last year.” He smiled, placing a hand on your lower back.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Your voice loud due to the music playing.

Trevor smiled at you, “Glad to see you came. Curly boy over here was nervous after he forgot to tell you this was even happening.” You all laughed before taking seats at the table, looking around and trading glasses of wine to fit your preferences.

Dinner was absolutely amazing. You honestly could’ve eaten another plate if it wasn’t for your nerves. Dessert was a choice of chocolate cake and cheesecake, so you each got one and shared half. “You two are horribly cute.” Someone mumbled as you took the bite of cheesecake Shawn was holding out for you.

“Just in Love.” Shawn answered quietly and you scrunched your nose at him. The smile on his face was perfect.

You all talked for a while before they cleared out a few tables for some dancing room. The dance floor was mainly taken up by the professors and their spouses, but without fail, like the last banquet, Shawn held his hand out to you. “Would to care to dance with me, my love?” You ended your conversation about the latest season of Nailed It with Marie, Trevor’s sister, and stood up to join Shawn.

“You look absolutely gorgeous tonight, I can’t get over it. But don’t forget that when you’re ready, we’ve got a room waiting for us upstairs.” He reminded you as you walked onto the dance floor, surprising a few of the other couples with the fact that you two were going to dance.

“Bring her flowers on a weekday, run a bath just to let her know; just to let her know she means the world to me…”

The song hummed softly, it wasn’t much of a dancing song, but god was it perfect. Swaying softly to the beat, Shawn leaned down “... so tell me, how did I ever get so lucky…” he sang softly, making you blush. Be he kept humming into your ear “...your loss is mine to hold, so to the man who let her go, I’m thanking you the most..” his lips brushing below your ear.

It was a very romantic and intimate moment for the both of you.

You closed your eyes, feeling the way his lips lingered on your skin far too long for the public eye. “I love you.”

He smiled against your neck. “I love you too baby. Just let me know when you’re ready to go. This is all at your pace.” With that, he stood up straight again, blushing when you rested your head on his chest as the song changed to some country love ballad.

It was some hours later when you decided you were ready. Your feet were aching, and so was another body part of yours. “Hey there handsome.” You hummed, coming up next to Shawn who was having a drink at the bar, talking to some friends. “You wanna get out of here?” His eyes widened for a moment before he nodded, setting the half drank glass of whisky on the counter.

“Okay guys, I’ll talk to you later. We’re gonna head up to the room.” You watched as he waved goodbye to everyone, promising to catch up after Christmas break.

“I forgot Christmas break was next week. I didn’t make any plans because I’m not able to fly home.” You thought out loud.

“Don’t worry baby. We can figure something out.” He whispered, kissing the side on your head and walking you towards the doors of the ballroom.

As the two of you stepped into the elevator, Shawn’s lips were on your neck, sucking softly and mouthing the words “I love you” and “beautiful” against your skin until the elevator made a ding.

The two of you almost tripped over your own feet as you made your way to the room, Shawn fumbling for the key in his breast pocket. You had your arms wrapped around his waist as he pushed open the door, only to turn around and pick you up. You let out a giggle as he shut the door and placed you down onto the bed gently.

You couldn’t help the gasp that you let out when you looked around the room to see rose petals everywhere, some candles littering the vanity and the countertop in the bathroom. “Shawn this is-“ you looked up to see him grinning like an excited kid.

“I did good??” His cheeks a soft pink.

“You did amazing.” He relaxed, leaning down for a kiss.

He pulled back and looked at you, eyes lidded and cheeks flushed. “Would you like to join me in a bath?” You nodded, smiling up at this perfect man. Shawn reached behind you and unzipped your dress, eyes widening at the lingerie adorning your body when it slid to the ground. “Oh baby.” He whined, watching you bend to step out of the dress. “God you’re so perfect. I can’t even-“

Without warning you leaned up and pressed a wet kiss to his neck. “Shawn. Can the bath wait??” He nodded, fingers digging into your hips.

“If at any time you want me to stop, just tell me okay??” You mumbled an “okay” into his skin before you were laid down on the bed. Your mind already fixated on the heat between your thighs as Shawn slowly unbuttoned his shirt and let it slip to the floor. He was so perfect and you honestly didn’t know how you got him, but your thoughts were cut short when he undid his belt and slid the bottom half of his clothing onto the floor.

You giggled as he peeled off his socks, tripping over his own two feet and almost falling on top of you. “You’re still 100% sure??” He asked again.

You looked up at him with a sincere gaze, “I am. Shawn I love you and I trust you. Please.” He smiled, leaning down for a kiss that had you closing your eyes and moaning.

“I love you too.” He breathed out, fingers inching towards your panties. You nodded, wordlessly begging for him to take them off, and with one swift movement, they joined his clothes on the floor, the matching bra following quickly after.

Sure you’d seen each other naked before, but this was different. This meant more. This was a very different situation. Your back arched when he wrapped his lips around your nipple, his tongue rolling the bud around before switching to the other one. His hands were rubbing along your sides in a calming manner, slowly moving closer to your thighs. “Shawn. Please touch me.” He let out a low moan, pulling off your chest to lick a single stripe up your core.

You instantly arched off the mattress, your fingers gripping the sheets. Shawn smiled against your inner thigh before going back in, making sure to get you ready for the next action. “Shawn, baby I’m ready. Please.” It was a soft whimper, and he reached into the pocket of his slacks on the floor to pull out a condom. You watched through hooded eyes as he rolled it on, hissing at the friction.

Shawn smiled at you, pressing a kiss to your collarbone before moving to hover over your body. “Are- are you sure you want to do this?” He asked again, fingers brushing your cheek gently. “More ready than I’ll ever be.” You nodded, closing your eyes when he leaned in for a kiss. “Here” He whispered, threading your fingers together and softly kissing you as he started to push into you.

You let out a soft whimper, the burn a little more than you were expecting. “You okay?” He asked softly, feeling you squeeze his hands.

“Mhm. Just hurts a little. It’s been a while since I’ve been intimate.” He captured your lips again, pushing more of himself into you and letting out a soft moan. You took a deep breath, looking up at Shawn, his head lowered and curls dangling in your face. “Shawn?” His head snapped up. “You can umm… you can keep going. I’ll be alright.”

His lip caught between his teeth, he bottomed out, a low mewl escaping his throat. “Oh fuck. You okay honey??” His eyes looking over your face for a sign.

“I’m okay. You can move. I promise I’m okay. Please move Shawn.” He smiled at you, a sweet, loving smile, before pulling out and snapping his hips forward gently. He started at a gentle pace, allowing you to get used to the feeling of him inside you.

Eventually, you let go of his hands and rested your hands on his shoulders, clawing gently when he picked up the movements of his hips. You let out a loud moan, throwing your head back, asking for him to leave his mark. He caught on, sucking on your tender neck, and moaning against your skin when you moved your hips with his. “Shawn. Pl- please.” You whimpered, grabbing his hand and leading it to your clit.

He nodded, rubbing tight circles and sucking a nipple into his mouth. “Baby, I’m about to-“ you nodded, tugging on his curls and whimpering out a “me too”. His thrusts became erratic, your moans bouncing off the hotel walls as your stomach burned

“Shawn, I can’t- I’m gonna-“ but you didn’t get a chance to finish your warning. Your orgasm crashing down on you, you let out a small scream. Shawn letting go at the same time. A string of “I love you”s being mumbled between the two of you.

He rested his head on your chest, his curls a little damp, “You okay love? Did I hurt you? Are you alright?” His protectiveness coming out as he rubbed along your side, his head still resting on your chest.

You smiled, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m perfect. You were perfect. I’ve never felt this safe in my life.” You felt him smile against your skin before he sat up.

“Are you too tired for that bath I promised you?” You shook your head and he laughed, helping you up.

Now sitting in a tub of bubbles, a glass of champagne on the tray, you closed your eyes. Shawn sat behind you, his thumbs rubbing along your neck to soothe you. “I love you so much.” He smiled, leaning forward to kiss the back of your neck. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t even care if I fail this Med program. As long as I have you.”

You let out a giggle as he spoke, “I love you too. More than you’ll ever know. It’s like- I don’t know. Like you complete me. But you’re definitely not going to fail out of this program” You laughed, curling back into him and letting him wrap his arms around you.

“You’re so perfect.” He whispered into your ear.

---

You woke up to someone knocking on the door, a muffled “room service” being said before Shawn moved from the bed to open the door. “You just stay here. Rest.” He smiled, dragging the cart into the room and tipping the boy at the door.

“I got you an omelette with lots of cheese and butter, like you like it, and some fruit.” He smiled, handing you your plate before grabbing his own plate of waffles and bacon. “Oh and there’s mimosas too.” He spoke over a mouth full of bacon. You giggled, handing him a glass and relaxing back into the pillows to eat. “How are you feeling today?” He asked, looking over at you.

“Sore, really tired. But I’m okay. Last night was, perfect, thank you.” Shawn placed his already empty plate on the cart and fed you a piece of fruit.

“I should be the one thanking you. You were the perfect date, and the best girlfriend anyone could’ve ever asked for.” You blushed, taking another sip before placing it all on the cart and settling back into bed, too full to eat anymore. Shawn yawned, nuzzling into your stomach that was covered in his button down from last night. “Wanna go back to sleep, but also wanna love on you.” He whined, kissing your belly button.

Playing with his hair, you smiled “How about you love on me until you fall asleep?” He looked at you like you had just given him the answer to life.

“That’s fucking perfect!”

---

Now back on campus, you felt almost sad. You wanted to spend the rest of eternity in that hotel room with Shawn, tangled in the sheets and stealing kisses.

There was a knock on your door before Emily walked in, a huge grin on her face. “Tell. Me. Everything.” She demanded, plopping down on your bed. So you did, you told her everything. From the reaction he gave when he saw you, to the sex, to the drive back that ended with a makeout session in his room before you made it back to your own. “That sounds so perfect! I’m so happy for you and he’s such a gentleman I fucking can’t handle it.” She squealed, hugging your fuzzy pink pillow. “But anyways. I came to ask what your plans for winter break were.” Her smile growing.

“Actually I don’t have any. I forgot it was even on Monday. So I’ll probably just stay here and binge watch Queer Eye or something. I was going to fly home and surprise my family but after the incident with my dumbass backing into that light post, my savings went towards that instead. Why?”

She have you a terrifying smirk. “Because I’m going to my parent’s cabin up north for Christmas and they said that I could bring anyone that wasn’t able to go home for the holidays. Woould you like to come?”

The idea was actually perfect. You could relax without having to spend a stupid amount of time on an empty campus watching Hallmark movies alone. “I’d love to go, actually. That sounds like the perfect Christmas break! Thank you so such Em.” You smiled, hugging her tightly.

Suddenly, the door opened. “Hey ladies, what’s so exciting?” Shawn asked, setting a large milkshake on your desk and placing a kiss to your temple.

Emily gave you a devious smile before looking up at Shawn. “I was just inviting your girlfriend and you on a couples trip to my ski cabin for Christmas.”

“Couples trip?” You both asked in unison.

“Yeah. So Shawn, you down for some snow action?” She asked, proud that her plan had worked and she’d conned the two of you into going.

He smiled, hugging you into his chest. “Fuck yeah I am!” He smiled, nuzzling into your hair. “Perfect! We leave tomorrow morning. So start packing.”

#shawn mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes au #shawn smut #shawn au #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes fluff #college shawn #med student shawn #shawn writing #shawn fanfic #my fic #stitches

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emisfritish · 4 years

Text

The risk it took to blossom (Part 3)

Pairing : Sarawat / Tine (2gether the series)

Summary : Five times someone talked Tine through his self-doubt and helped him see his worth, and the one time he didn’t need them to. Chapter : 3/6

Previous chapters : 1 / 2 /

Next chapters : 4 / 5 / 6 Notes : Hi ! So I can’t let this one go through without a few announcements, so here goes: first, this one kind of hits close to home for me. So if it’s not too much to ask, ben gentle maybe ? Second, there is a possible trigger for eating disorders. It’s not actually what’s going on here, but it’s close enough that I feel more comfortable mentioning it before hand. Be safe guys. In spite of all of this, this is also my favourite installment in this story I think, so hopefully you enjoy it as well !

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“And here’s for you, gentlemen !”, exclaims Peuk as he comes back to the table where their joined group of friends is sitting, before putting down a plate with a huge amount of mango sticky rice in front of them and enough spoons to go around.

“Mango sticky rice !” exclaims Tine happily, before he takes a spoon full of the food and eats it all in one go. This is his favourite dessert, and no place does it quite like this restaurant.

All of the boys start eating the dessert as well, happily laughing and teasing each other.

“Wow Tine, it’s a wonder how you can keep that delicate figure with the amount of this you can eat,” Boss teases good-naturedly, and Tine instantly feels himself go tense. He just smiles in response and eats the spoon full he just took, before putting it down, not really hungry for anymore right now.

Maybe Boss is right and he should be a little more reasonable right now. He does have to be on his A Game for this next cheer leading competition in a couple weeks.

“What are you talking about, have you seen him cheer ? Tine obviously burns all of those calories through the energy needed for those ! Not everyone spends their time lounging on the bench, watching their teammates play football like you do,” retorts Man while clapping his friend on the back. The entire table laughs, and almost everyone’s attention soon turns to throwing digs at Boss for various reasons.

Tine feels a hand come up on his knee and squeeze, and he turns towards Fong, sending him a grateful smile for the gesture of solidarity. He can also feel Sarawat’s eyes on him, his boyfriend most likely having noticed that something isn’t quite right, so he reaches under the table to take his hand in his and squeezes it, silently communicating that everything is okay.

His boyfriend being fairly introverted, he tends to be pretty observant in general. When it comes to noticing Tine’s mood though ? There was almost nothing he missed. And it had been the case since before they even started dating. It could be a bit of a pain when Tine was trying to hide his thoughts from his boyfriend, but most of the time it just felt nice to be… seen. Tine loves being this important to someone.

Sarawat reaches for his spoon and fills it with Mango sticky rice, before bringing it to Tine’s mouth to offer him a bite. Tine, no longer having much of an appetite, just smiles gratefully at his boyfriend but shakes his head to indicate that he doesn’t want any.

Sarawat looks at him suspiciously, but doesn’t say anything to push the subject, which Tine is grateful for.

The rest of the evening goes smoothly and Tine has fun with all of them, even though he doesn’t really eat anything else for the rest of the night. As they are all saying goodbye, Fong comes to stand in front of him and watches him intently, lifting a hand up to squeeze at his shoulder, and Tine just pulls his friend into a quick hug, before he turns back towards Sarawat.

Him and Sarawat walk back towards Sarawat’s room in silence, and Tine, knowing that Sarawat noticed that something was off with him, tries to mentally prepare himself for the conversation that is about to happen.

They enter Sarawat’s room and both start getting ready for bed, most of the stuff necessary for Tine’s night time skin care routine having found their way to Sarawat’s room by now.

When Tine is almost done with his routine, and Sarawat is already seated at his bed watching him do it, he finally broaches the subject that Tine was still half hoping to avoid.

“Do you want to talk about what happened ?” he asks softly.

“Talk about what ? Everything is fine,” Tine answers with a forced smile, turning to face Sarawat on the bed now that he is done.

“Come on Tine, I know you. And I know when you’re not fine. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but don’t pretend with me, please ?” he asks, his tone almost pleading.

Tine deflates at the words, and he nods his understanding. He’s always amazed how, even now that they are officially together, Sarawat is always the one who is willing to show his vulnerability and ask for those things, while his first instinct is to put up his shields. Looking back, he realizes how brave Sarawat is, always willing to put his heart on the line, and he wants to be a little more like him. He doesn’t need to put up a front for Sarawat, he knows that.

Sarawat pulls himself towards the opposite end of the bed, until he is sitting with his back pressed against the wall and his legs open, and Tine crawls on the bed to seat himself in between them, with his back pressed to his boyfriend’s chest.

Sarawat’s arms instantly go around him, and Tine nuzzles his neck in answer. He feels the other boy press a small kiss to his temple and he tries to draw strength from his boyfriend to start the conversation they are about to have.

“I know he was only joking and that he didn’t mean any harm by it, but it’s just the comment Boss made earlier about the food that kind of got to me,” he finally says, explaining his earlier behaviour.

“Got to you how ?” Sarawat’s hands are resting just above Tine’s hips, and one of his fingers makes its way under Tine’s tee-shirt, softly caressing the skin he can find there while waiting for him to answer.

“Well, it’s just… You know that I take pride in my appearance and how I look, and I work hard for it,” he begins to explain, and he feels Sarawat nod his head behind him. “Okay. Well… No one really knows this, apart from Fong and Type. But for a long time, like through most of my teenage years, really, I was almost constantly dieting. I was constantly watching everything I ate, and counting calories to try and be lean and thin, and trying to look…”

“Chic,” Sarawat completes his sentence and Tine laughs softly.

“Yeah, exactly,” he confirms. “It used to drive Type mad, and he would be so upset that I couldn’t let myself enjoy food without overthinking it, but I just couldn’t stop myself. It got to the point where it became a hyper-fixation and I was becoming miserable because of it, so I decided that it had to stop.”

“Did you ever…” Sarawat starts to ask, before he trails off.

“No, never. I didn’t have an eating disorder, not really, at least. I was just kind of obsessed with calories and how many I was having per day, and I would just watch everything I ate. All the time. Fong is the one that ended up helping me get out of this mentality, actually,” he says with a small smile, forever grateful for what his friend did for him.

“He found a therapist online and I went to see her a couple times, and that really helped. And then, for months, he would cook lunch for the both and us and bring it to me every single day. And I was not allowed to ask how many calories the food contained, or how fattening or sugary it was. And I had to eat all of it. He would cook all of my favourites too, and eventually, I learned to enjoy food again and to let go of this obsession. And honestly, nowadays, I barely give it a thought. I mean, I try to eat healthily and exercise, because I do still care about how I look, but I allow myself to eat whatever I feel like eating and I don’t spend too much time stressing over it all. I mean, you know that,” he explains, and Sarawat just nods silently. They both know the sweet tooth Tine can have at times.

“But yeah… Even if that’s not really how I am anymore, sometimes when people make those kinds of comments, it pulls me back into that mentality a little and I lose my appetite. It’s a lot better, but it’s still a part of me,” he finishes explaining quietly.

He feels Sarawat’s arms pull him closer to his body.

“Thank you for telling me,” he says in a small voice, and Tine just nods in answer, pressing a kiss to his neck.

They lay in silence for a while, Sarawat obviously deep in thought, and Tine knows his boyfriend enough to know that something is on his mind, but he won’t bring up the subject until he feels like Tine would be comfortable with it too.

“What are you thinking about,” he prompts softly, resting one of his hands on Sarawat’s thigh which is resting just next to his.

“It’s just… Don’t take this the wrong way, please. Because I’m truly trying to understand, and I’m not judging. But why do you think you care so much about your looks ?” he asks in a timid voice that Tine almost never gets to hear from his boyfriend. He doesn’t mean to laugh, especially with how serious and considerate Sarawat is being.

But it’s just such a Sarawat thing to ask, he can’t hold the small laughter that comes out. Of course his boyfriend wouldn’t understand. Sarawat is the type to get out of bed, pull on loose pants and a shirt, and call it a day. He’s just effortlessly beautiful that way.

“Well, you happen to like my looks and my body Mister,” he retorts in a teasing voice, and he feels Sarawat laugh against his back.

“I do,” his boyfriend answers simply, one of his hands making its way up his chest until he squeezes it gently.

They may have been together for months now, but the way Sarawat can be so unashamed in expressing his feelings both with his words and those gestures will never cease to amaze Tine.

“Pervert,” comments Tine, laughter in his voice.

“But you know I would still love them as much as I do now no matter what though, right ? Simply because it’s you ?” he asks eagerly, and Tine feels his heart squeeze in his chest.

Sarawat can sometimes be a man of few words, but somehow, he always knows the perfect ones to use in every situation in order to get his point across and reach his goal. Whether that be to make Tine blush, or to completely melt his heart.

“I do,” Tine reassures him, picking up his hand where it’s still resting on his upper chest and pressing a kiss in the middle of his palm.

“I think I care this much because for a long time, it kind of felt like it was the only thing I had to offer,” he finally tries to explain, and he feels Sarawat go tense behind him.

Tine sits up and lifts himself up from where he was laying against Sarawat’s chest, before he turns around so he’s facing him instead. As much as he was enjoying the comfort of Sarawat’s embrace, he kind of needs to see him to be able to explain this more clearly.

“What do you mean ?” Sarawat asks in a small voice, once they’ve both settled into their new position, and Tine can hear the worry behind the question.

“It’s just that… I have the perfect brother,” he finally settles on to try to explain, but he sees Sarawat start to frown.

“Type is pretty great I guess, but I don’t understand what that has to do with anything,” Sarawat says in confusion.

“It’s just that growing up, I would hear all about Type’s great achievements. All the time. And it wasn’t Type’s fault, he never really wanted the attention in the first place. Plus I know it wasn’t easy for him because he got all of the pressure, but…,” Tine is trying to explain this as best as he can, but he realizes that it’s probably making no sense.

“Like every time: with our teachers, with our family, even with my parents sometimes, although I know they didn’t mean to do it, it was just like… Type was the best. In everything,” he continues, looking down at where his hands are resting in front of him.

“And it makes sense, in a way. Type was the one with the good grades, he was the one that was well behaved while I could be a little hyper. He did volunteer work, attended meditation seminars, and just… You know Type, you’ve seen how kind he is. He would always get uncomfortable with the situation and try to bring the spotlight to my successes too. But no matter how hard we tried, it never really took,” Tine continues in a small voice, remembering the feeling of inadequacy he would get sometimes.

For a long time, Type was truly the only one that even really saw him. Like actually saw him, and not just the front he would project to protect himself.

“So we would be at school or we would go to family reunions, and it was always like : ‘Type, heard you did a great job on that short story contest, good job !’ and ‘Tine, you’re looking good son’. And they never meant it in a mean way, it’s just… all they really thought I amounted to, I guess. Or the only thing they could think of when it came to me. And so after a while, it kind of became my thing. Type was the smart one, the kind one, the mature one... and I was the good looking one. And I figured, if it was going to be my thing, then I was going to do the best damn job I could and own it,” he finishes with a self-deprecating smile.

Suddenly realizing that he got lost in his story telling and that Sarawat has been quiet almost the entire time, he finally looks up towards him, only to read the absolute heartbreak on his boyfriend’s face, the corners of his mouth downturned and his eyes misty.

“I’m okay now though Wat, I promise,” he says with a small smile, before pressing a small kiss to his lips.

“Tine… You know that’s not true though, right ? You know that that’s not all you have to offer, and that you are so much more than that, right ?” Sarawat finally asks in a shaky voice, as if almost afraid to hear the answer.

“I do, I know that. It’s just like… This is difficult to explain,” he sighs softly. Why can’t he just find the perfect words to help Sarawat understand ?

“On the one hand, yes, I do know this. I know, intellectually, that that’s not all I am. But on the other hand, sometimes… it doesn’t really feel like I actually know it ? It’s like the logical side of my brain understands, but the side of my brain that controls my emotions hasn’t quite caught up to that fact just yet,” he tries to explain, not sure if he’s getting his point across. “Does that make sense ?” he finally asks Sarawat.

“I think it does,” he whispers in answer, reaching forward to caress his cheek softly.

“You know your looks aren’t why I love you though, right ?” he continues with a small grin.

And yes. Tine does know that. How could he not, when he sees the pure look of adoration that sometimes crosses Sarawat’s face. One he’s still trying to reconcile with the idea of him being worthy of such a look.

Still, he’s not about to pass this opportunity.

“They aren’t ?” he asks with a small smile, fishing for compliments.

“No. In fact, until your emotions manage to play catch up with the rest of your brain, let me show you exactly why I do,” Sarawat responds.

He pushes Tine backwards until he is lying on his back, before he crawls over him on his hands and knees.

“First, I love you for this,” he whispers, bending down to press a small kiss to the top of Tine’s head.

“You love me for my hair ?” Tine asks, a little confused with the idea of his hair being the first thing to come to Sarawat’s mind.

He feels a huff of air blown on his forehead when Sarawat snorts.

“No, not your hair, Tine.”

Tine thinks for a few seconds, before it finally clicks.

“Oh, my brain ?” he asks, and Sarawat smiles in answer and nods.

“Even after I just asked you if you were talking about my hair ?” he says, laughing at himself.

“Yeah, even then,” Sarawat responds with a fond smile, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Then, I love you for those,” he says, before he bends down and presses a kiss to the hand that Tine has laying on his stomach.

“My hands ?” Tine asks, wondering where Sarawat is going with this one.

“Hmm,” answers Sarawat. “The hands that you use to play guitar and music. The same hands you use to help people and defend those that need it. I also love you for this,” he continues, as he lifts himself back up and presses a quick peck to Tine’s lips.

“My smile ?” Tine asks, giving him one of said smiles.

“Well, yes. That too. And the mouth you use to communicate your every thoughts with. Even knowing that they can range from the wisest to the most ridiculous ones at times,” he says with fondness, and Tine smacks him on the chest, prompting a laugh.

“And more importantly, I love you for this,” he whispers above Tine’s heart, before he presses a small kiss right above it.

Tine’s heart, which had already been beating faster than should be recommended, goes absolutely wild at the words, and he can’t hold himself still anymore.

“Okay, enough of this game. Come up here so I can kiss you properly Saraleo,” Tine ends up demanding, pulling Sarawat’s face towards his so he can finally kiss him like he’s been craving to, and show him how grateful he is.

Tine might not have the best self-confidence right now, but he does have the best boyfriend. And while the front side of his brain catches up with the back side of it, having Sarawat remind him of his worth once in a while sounds pretty damn perfect.

#sarawat x tine #saratine #sarawatine #2gether the series #2gether #2gether fic #saratine fic #2gether fanfic #saratine fanfic #the risk it took to blossom #posting this and then going to hide !#emi's writing

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