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traumatictouch · 3 years

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why tomura reads like a sexual abuse survivor

ive noticed that a lot of survivors - including me - easily read tomura as a csa survivor. ive decided to try to put these impressions into words, mostly for myself, but also for anyone curious as to why he’s so frequently read this way, or why i personally write him as such. i will mostly be elaborating on the reoccurring sexual assault imagery and csa survivor traits tomura exhibits.

triggering themes ahead, including discussed child sexual abuse, incest (sibling and pseudo), trauma and its effects, and sexual assault imagery (from the bnha manga itself). also spoilers for the most recent manga arc.

(disclaimer: i realize symptoms of trauma are pretty much common all across the board, and depression also comes with a lot of these behaviors - but there are some that crop up more commonly in cases of sexual abuse (especially from a young age) than in others. csa survivors also frequently end up with depression, too, so that doesn't necessarily take away from it.)

i’ll start with the cover above. the hands touching him here are much more expressive than the ones he usually wears. it's also framed in a way where you can't see the ends/cap things very well, and they don't appear so symmetrical, making them feel much more like real, living hands grabbing him.

there's also the fact that his face is exposed, which is something we had rarely seen him do willingly at this point in the manga, and even when he had he was still covered up with a hoodie or completely alone. the way he's covering half his face gives off the impression that he's not okay with the way he's exposed.

all of that, plus the obvious distress tomura is in, gives this very glaring assault vibes.

also, the hands on his head are clearly someone's actual, living hands as well. my guess is afo, especially since they seem to be petting him, which is reoccurring imagery between tomura and afo.

tomura's total lack of privacy

there's a clear lack of boundaries between tomura and the adults in his life. most of the spaces that seem to belong to tomura (the bar - he feels safe enough there to take Father off, and his room) are accompanied by cameras and audio transmissions from afo. he has no privacy, and doesn't even seem bothered by this fact.

he also doesn't seem to set boundaries with other people in general. toga can hold a knife to his neck, spinner can grab him and yell in his face, the doctor can shout over his earpiece, dabi (or anyone, really) can say whatever rude or callous things he wants to him… really the only time i can think of that even comes close was when mr. compress made a joke about working with overhaul and tomura said "hey, not funny."

he seems to kinda just let whatever happen to him. earlier in the series, tomura seemed to rely on kurogiri to notice when he needed space and step in for him rather than ask for it himself. that's a pretty telltale sign of someone who's had their needs and boundaries violated (or even punished) for a long time.

Tomuras over-attachment to afo and his praise/affection

obviously afo groomed tomura whether it involved sexual abuse or not, but it is something that could have easily lended itself to that as well. early in the series, tomura clearly highly valued afos opinion of him, and seemed to strive to please and repay him for his kindness. these are feelings afo incited in him on purpose and did, canonically, take advantage of to turn tomura into a villain and pawn - who's to say he didn't use it for other purposes, too?

it's also the kind of thing survivors tend to latch onto to cope with their abuse. it can be easier to think of the event as being affection, returning a favor, and/or special treatment, than to think of it as abuse. tomura looked up to afo so much that it's possible he could have considered (or been convinced) that it was special that someone as great as afo wanted to do something so intimate with him.

also, if this is really tomura realizing his sensei isn't as special and powerful as he'd been led to believe, then his reaction being to cover up while looking angry might, well… be a reaction to feeling used.

Tomura & older men

there's not a lot of people besides afo that tomura seems very quickly, openly… invested in. there are two major ones i can think of, and they are both 1. older men, and 2. mentor figures (even if not to tomura.)

the most obvious of the two is aizawa, who tomura has seemed pretty fond of since his first appearance and, even in the most recent chapters, can't seem to help but think about how cool aizawa is. aizawa isn't a mentor to tomura, obviously, but he is a teacher and tomura knows this. (and seems impressed by the way he tries to protect the students in his care--something afo very specifically does not do for tomura.)

the second, and perhaps less obvious to most, is Stain. i wrote up a whole post trying (trying.) to explain the way tomura seemed interested in him, and you can see a bit more about that and how tomura was hoping he'd be a mentor to him here.

in other words, tomura has shown reoccurring interest in older men, who are mentors, that he does not show for anyone else.

early sexual abuse can influence a person's attractions. survivors tend to be drawn to what is familiar, even if it hurt, and so it's pretty common for them to be attracted to and/or desire a relationship with those who resemble their abuser(s).

and afo is an older man who is a mentor to tomura (and others.)

immaturity (& age regression)

tomura, in early canon, is often described by characters in-universe as being childish, especially in regards to how he processes his emotions. (i don't really like to conflate these things with "age" or "being childish" - but the way the manga itself presents these qualities is clearly intended to give tomura a immature/childish vibe.)

tomura's emotional processing, simple motivations, fixation with video games, toys littering his room, and need for close caregiving (kurogiri) all give off the impression that he's had trouble developing the way he "”should”" have--kind of like he didn't really move on at all.

this sort of stunted development tends to occur in people with childhood trauma, especially csa survivors. ptsd at its core is the brain getting "stuck" in the moment of trauma, so if the trauma occurred as a child, then one's development is somewhat halted there, especially in areas of emotional processing, because the brain and body have to dedicate so much energy to just trying to cope and survive. it's pretty common for csa survivors to have trouble coping with and controlling their emotions.

relatedly: i have no real way to confirm this right now, but i’ve heard that during the mla arc, while tomura was kind of going in and out of flashbacks, he started switching to using “boku” - a self pronoun for young boys - as opposed to his usual “ore”). ive since had to wonder if this is a reoccurring state for tomura - it might partly explain why he keeps his toys around despite never showing interest in them on-screen, and has such close supervision from kurogiri.

again, age regression can go for any kind of childhood trauma, but seems very common in child sexual abuse survivors in particular.

Lack of hygiene (esp oral)

look at how tomura's teeth are drawn compared to even another villains. dabis teeth are straight and clean, whereas tomura's have holes and chips, and tend to be drawn uneven with wobbly lines, like they're covered in plaque.

not caring for one's hygiene is common for people with depression too - but failure to care for teeth also frequently crops up in survivors of sexual abuse, due to an aversion to things touching or being inside their mouth, because it can remind them of the abuse.

in a similar vein, tomura's hair looks unwashed and greasy to me, especially when it gets long. it sort of gathers in clumps and appears heavy. survivors may avoid taking showers because they aren't comfortable removing their clothes for long periods of time, or because the abuse occurred in proximity to bathing. (which is a convenient time for parental figures to groom and abuse their children, since it already involves them being naked and the parent touching them closely.)

in general, there just seems to be something off about tomura's relationship with his body. maybe it's the way he barely bats an eye at major injuries, doesn't care for his hygiene, self-injures, and didn't mind undergoing a surgery that altered its shape and function pretty heavily--but i get the impression that tomura sees his body as just a tool more than anything.

which, if someone grew up having their body regarded as nothing but a means of pleasure, kind of makes sense.

his clothing

im not sure if this has the same “connotations” (for lack of a better word) for flat chested people, but tomura always wearing a lowcut shirt that shows off a fair amount of his chest, but covering the rest of himself head to toe--including his face--feels significant to me. as well as the way he covers up even more (his hoodie) when he’s stressed. the hands, too--being covered up seems to be calming for him.

the placement of the hands afo gave him

you can't tell me little tenko placed these hands where they are by himself. the ones on his chest aren’t even from his family or meant to resemble them - they’re additional hands afo gave him to wear. pretty weird place for “afo”’s hands to go...

I feel like theres a little bit something to tomura frequently having his clothes ripped off during fights

not that it's particularly uncommon for bnha characters to get their clothes a bit shredded during fights, but i can't help but feel like there's something to tomura getting torn down to nothing but his pants twice, with both battles heavily involving tomura's traumas, including the ones related to afo. the vs mla arc with how tomura met afo and how he turned him into what he is today, then the war arc where the methods afo used to control and abuse tomura (the hands) are brought back again--and afo repeatedly takes tomura's bodily autonomy away from him.

AFO's predatory behaviors

tomuras own behavior aside, All For One himself has some behaviors and imagery that gives off very predatory vibes. i’ll start with Ragdoll…

most people theorize that she was going to be turned into a nomu, but there are two important things here. ragdoll was found 1. alive, and 2. naked. all nomu are made from corpses - if afo had time to take her quirk and undress her, he certainly had time to kill her, especially since three days had passed since she was kidnapped. (and, what benefit would there be to making a nomu out of a quirkless hero?)

her dazed state is also curious - we've never been told taking or giving quirks has a side effect like this, and i would think itd at least wear off after three days…

there's also not actually a lot to suggest she was submerged in one of the tanks (that i know of); in the full body image, she doesn't seem to be soaking wet or anything. there's no water dripping off her. there's just a bit of liquid on her face and neck, which could merely be sweat, or… other fluids.

this next part is more debatable due to it being more dubiously canon (although My Hero: One’s Justice has been known to basically spoil villain related lore before it appears in the manga) - but he has some dialogue that makes him sound... pretty fuckin enthusiastic about sexual violence.

and time and time again, afo has been... very creepy and obsessive about his brother. who happens to look an awful lot like tomura, and is vaguely connected to nana as a user of OFA, and we know how far afo would go to spite both of them.

The "wow this is pretty much confirmed now" page

i always thought i was just projecting when i read tomura as a csa survivor - until i saw this page, which was so viscerally uncomfortable that it made me nauseous. it definitely made me decide i wasn't just reading into things that weren't there. that's not exactly to say this panel 100% confirmed it (though it certainly did in my mind, personally) -- but the imagery here can't not be deliberate.

tomura is literally shirtless and bent over before afo, and sure, afos not completely standing behind him, but that's partially because his lower half is inside of tomura. and from our previous example of afo taking over tomura's body…

i wish i could find the translation i first saw - this is the viz translation, which is notoriously horrible - but the one i read felt much more along the lines of "i saved you, so i get to do what i want with your body."

that is a line of logic that could have EASILY applied to their earlier relationship. the way afo saved tenko was very much on the forefront of tomura's mind early in the series, possibly either an idea he clung onto to justify the abuse he experienced from afo, or something afo personally reminded him of frequently.

also… part of afos body is definitely wrapped around tomura's upper thigh, and in certain panels seems to be emanating from between his legs.

speaking of, tomura's stance is also notable to me. compared to the panel where tomura first realized afo was taking control of him, where his knees are pretty straight on or outwards in a powerful balanced brace, in these panels his knees seem to be bending in towards his body, like he wants to squeeze his legs shut. huh.

i touched on this before, but it's interesting to me that what finally let afo fully take control of tomura's body, was having a hand (one afo very specifically used to control and abuse tomura into doing what he wanted) placed upon his body without permission.

so, all in all, afo is "inside" tomura's body, using it for his own means, against tomura's wishes.

what else does that sound like? no wonder deku feels like tomura needs help, despite everything...

again, this isn't to say that csa is definitely the cause of these things, just that tomura does have an abundance of behaviors and imagery that could easily be read that way.

#shigaraki tomura #tomura shigaraki #Tenko Shimura #boku no hero academia #all for one #afo bnha #bnha #long post #ITS FINALLY HERE #i did my best i hope it makes sense #csa tw #child abuse tw #meta #ooc

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pinkykitten · 3 years

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everything stays

chapter 1 - blood on her hands :: gisela klein [ an aot oc story ]

note: hey guys i know its been a rlly long time since ive posted anything and u may be rlly let down and underwhelmed that ive chosen to write a aot oc instead of fanfic but its what i want to write and i rlly love my oc and wanna give her some love and some praise and let u a little in how i see her. im sorry i havent posted a lot im going to try to write more and who knows i may or may not finish this but its ok imma try lol but life sometimes is a butthole. i hope you love her as much as i do an tysm for taking time out of ur day to read this story. enjoy!

Even though she knew that this day would have to come and that it was near, it still was a surprise for her. She was taken aback. It didn’t make sense and add up to her; she was trained for this since she was little; preparing mentally and physically for phase one of the plan; and the day appeared through the trees; past the wall; the opportunity was present; the fate of the people were waiting in their hands; and yet she felt a sense of evilness within her heart. Was this right? But there was no time.

The day was written down in history. The stories were spread around like a disease. Heights, jaws, teeth, feet, stench, the screams. If they survived that nightmare they were seen as a tough soldier; as someone that was applauded because they probably had PTSD and had to see everyday as a reason within themselves or God that they were alive. That maybe just maybe they were saved for a reason; for a purpose. That is what Gisela Klein thought. Maybe there was something greater out there for her to do, to accomplish and that was why she saw another day; breathed another breath.

But one thing was for sure. Forgiveness would never come her way; she would never expect it. To be a warrior she had to endure the horror; the pain; feelings of worthlessness; and friendships lost.

This is the story of the 10th finding titan; the Slash Titan.

The pounding of her heart rang through her ears. It had taken everything for her to keep going on this journey; to continue on the path to and through Hell. She felt a loss within her and the light in her eyes died out. The loss of her friend made it hard for her to function. To keep her head in the game and in the plan.

She sighed as she stared at her hands. Broken and bruised like her heart; scars and scratches scattered on her skin. Her bite mark deeply engraved into her flesh. She heaved a huge sigh. Ready to give death a handshake and make a deal with the devil. Panic was rising in her chest from her stomach, almost ready to throw up.

As she thought about her family back home she realized there was no other way; she had to do this. In order to be with her family, to save them she had to do the one thing she was trained to do.

Kill.

A lightning strike shot over the wall. The wall that kept the monsters away and at bay. Something was wrong; the air seemed to change. The lightning strike caused a boom, clap and the ground started to shake.

Bertholdt drew his leg back and with full force swung his leg forward, knocking a hole into the wall that was impenetrable. Many people flew back from the wind of the blow and some were crushed by the debris of the wall.

Many were going to die; but it’s what needed to be done.

The titans were called.

Finally the titans entered the devils homes and started to rip up their lives. “This is right, this is right.” Gisela had to keep reminding herself. “For my family.” And something snapped within her. The image of her mother, tortured, flashed in her mind. And suddenly everything was worth it. “No regrets.”

Gisela eyed Reiner, an agreement, a sign. She exhaled and in a quick motion placed her hand to her mouth and bit into it. In a spark she transformed into her titan form. Her eyes were much like a cats, sharp. She was made into the slash titan, she was chosen for this program. Her titans fingers were like sharp knives, able to cut any object or person. They hung a little past her knees.

Reiner then transformed and both stomped past the hole. Many citizens glanced up, horrified. Gisela and Reiner were titans never seen before.

She nodded to Reiner, bent down and started to pick up debris and pieces of houses to throw over the bigger wall. The chunks started to smash against people. Blood splattering everywhere. Gisela almost wanted to close her eyes from the immense amount of dead bodies piled on top of others, graves upon graves.

She was hauling boulders as high and fast as she could. Her titan held a high amount of power and strength. Being slim, muscular and as tall as the armored titan and female titan. Reiner took a step back and gained his speed to go onward to destroy the bigger wall.

“Fire!” Their soldiers cried out. Fear evident on their face. They shot their cannons, not even slowing down Reiner. Gisela continued flinging, wanting to create a path for Reiner. She was faster than before and many of her hits flattened the men in the front lines. Their screams and cries loud.

“Close the gate!” They tried, it was their last hope to save humanity. But it was not enough. Reiner broke the wall and killed those running and they went flying. They reached even higher than Gisela. It astounded her almost, they seemed like helpless birds flying high in the sky; but that thought was quickly wiped clean because the second they flew up in the air they came straight down with much force that many parts of their bodies broke.

Reiner did what he needed to do, he opened up a way for the titans to get in and they were swarming by the bunches.

In the distance, the survivors fled in boats across the river to get into the other walls. Gisela put herself in their shoes for a second. They had reason to be scared. Everything they have ever known was gone; their houses, loved ones, food, a place to feel the most comfortable you can feel despite situations; it was all gone. Gisela shook the thought out, not caring about these cruel humans feelings. They had none. No emotions. Gisela had to believe that thought; what she was told, she had to believe it with all her heart, or else what was real?

They waited till they were able to not be seen and Gisela turned human first and then so did Reiner. The four of them hopped on the boat. Talking amongst themselves. The wind howled through the vacant homes. Destruction everywhere. Gisela looked around her setting and saw a little girl had been crushed because a tree fell on her, her doll mere inches away from her grasp. She died with her eyes open; almost looking into Gisela’s soul through the eyes. Gisela’s body trembled and she threw up.

“Don’t.”

Gisela looked up to see Reiner wiping blood and debris off his clothes. He picked his sleeve and turned Gisela’s head to look away, he wiped her chin and mouth off the puke. He saw the trauma in her eyes and felt guilty. But it’s what needed to be done. He kept telling himself that the more he did this the more he would understand and get used to it. It was still all new to her and he had to be strong for her. He knelt in front of her small frame. “It’s not your fault. They needed to die. We are in this together. You don’t need them. Look at me.”

Gisela looked into his eyes, away from the sadness. His eyes carried the feeling of wanting to be wanted. That was always what Reiner wanted. But they also had fear in his eyes.

“Stop acting like you’re in control when I know how sick you feel. I know how afraid you are Reiner.”

He paused and took a look at his hands and others surrounding him. “You’re right. But I made a promise to Marcel.”

They joined the other citizens arriving at the food reserves. The master of disguise was needed in this mission. People needed to see four hungry, depressed children that survived the fall of their homes, not mass murderers.

Annie was only able to fetch two loaves. “Alright, who's the most hungry?”

“You girls should eat, you’re more feeble.” Bertholdt sat on a crate, pointing to Gisela and Annie.

Annie tsked, moving a bang from her eyes, “who says girls are more feeble? I recall kicking your ass all those times in training.”

“You guys can eat it, I’m not hungry.” Gisela sat on the other crate and saw the chaos of the crowds. A boy caught her interest. He had dark brown hair, tan skin, and light blue green eyes. He was having bread shoved in his mouth and he seemed to have such a strong personality to him. If only Gisela felt so strongly about her motive and her placement in this life.

“You really should eat, you need your energy after all you did.” Annie broke all the loaves in half and shared it amongst the four of you. “It’s not much but at least it's something.”

Gisela sighed, “you’re right. Thanks.”

After that day there was land given to only a few refugees but there were too many of them. Luckily the four of them had a piece of land that was enough until further inching themselves within society. Through that whole span each day was getting easier and easier living with the lies and day by day Gisela felt more at sure with herself and knowing that she could fulfill this mission. Pills and alcohol helped the pain and ease the thoughts. She taught herself to put a gap between what she came here to do and feelings. She told herself every day that nobody else mattered except her family and Reiner. She trained her brain to not care, to not have strings attached or any love for anything. It was all a play, all a rehearsal for when the curtain would fall. She was readying herself for that fall. Everyday she educated herself more on these scums. What they liked, wanted, needed, craved for, and what they craved more than ever in their life was freedom.

She trained her body as if it were her last day, barely getting sleep. The face of her mother haunting her every night making her get up at three in the morning to do pushups or sit ups. Not only was her mind getting stronger but also her body. Even Reiner would make jokes noticing the muscles that would appear. The six pack that formed on her stomach. Her thighs growing tight and firm, her arms growing stronger. The sweat growing on her forehead longer.

With her body growing her relationship with Reiner also changed. They no longer were the tiny children that didn’t understand anatomy or the air between two people. Reiner and Gisela’s relationship was of being flirty, sharing a few kisses here and there, trying to be a couple but then yelling at each other and breaking it up and realizing maybe this isn’t right a million times. Even Bertholdt and Annie were getting tired of their outbursts. But each time they made up to be friends only and then the cycle started where the feelings came in the way and they wanted to be more. They would tease each other, especially Reiner. They were each other's best friends. Gisela was like one of the boys, loud, obnoxious, burping all the time, Reiner would get a look at her and smirk thinking he taught her well. When Reiner looked at her he felt at home and that everything was going to be okay. Her nightmares continued and each time Reiner would come to her room and hold her, let her cry into his arms. She felt he was the only person that knew her pain.

Gisela understood many things in life and for once she understood her life here, she understood why she was born and chosen.

It was the following year and in order to get closer to finding the founding titan the four became part of the 104th cadet corps.

“Are you ready to train more?” Gisela nudged Reiner, eyebrow raised.

“What do you mean train more? This is going to be a new but scary experience honestly.” Reiner spoke as if he was a different person. As if he didn’t have a life outside of the walls.

“Reiner?” Gisela placed her hand on his shoulder, steadying him. He looked fine on the outside but Gisela knew the issues were inside, his mind. She knew this was becoming disastrous to him, he was starting to have almost two personalities, two lives, two worlds, two people. Gisela tried to tell Annie or Bertholdt, they saw it too but there was nothing they could do.

All that Gisela could do was smile as they made their way to the first day of training.

note: again ty y’all sm!!!! If u liked it lmk and this is kinda new for me cuz I usually don’t post my ocs stories here or much at all but I’m rlly excited for y’all to see her and for y’all to know this oc of mine and hopefully accept her ❤️

Taglist: @witchofinterest @chlobenet @eddysocs @fpxloomis @whctsherncme-archive @ocfairygodmother @fandomchick80 @ocappreciationtag

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wexhappyxfew · 3 years

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i literally choked on my pizza when i saw your writing and analyzing questions post, I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!! first of all, what sort of process do you go through when creating characters? what kind of things do you take into consideration when creating them? i’m fascinated because creating characters is far from easy, especially when you’re creating someone like agent mortem! i’m always interested to know what the writer’s thought process was when creating a new character!

okay, so secondly, i wouldn’t say i’m having trouble with keeping all my planning organised and ‘precise’ in a way, but it’s really not easy 😅 i was wondering what kind of processes you go through when planning, whether you have like a specific structure or a set of steps to follow, or if you just kind of roll with it? at the moment when i plan it’s okay and it makes sense, but it’s literally just 4 or 5 pages of really chunky paragraphs which makes it really difficult to pick out the events again when i come to needing the plan to help me. i don’t really know if you do anything different, but if there is any way you know of that i could keep it more organised and easy to follow, that would be great :)

i’ll keep the last ones a little shorter because this ask is already looking veryyy long — what have you enjoyed writing about natia, what struggles have you faced and what have you learned? and basically the same with agent mortem if that’s possible :) i have asked a LOT of questions in this, so don’t feel like you have to answer them all because it will probably take quite a while 😅 anyway, thank you for putting up with my endless questions, and i hope you have a good day <33

ROSE AH HELLO MY FRIEND!!!! <333 sorry ive just gotten to this omg! it’s been sitting here for a little while but i’ve just had so much going on right now and wanted to make sure when i answered that my *full attention* was put on this! (because i’ve been very excited to answer this ESPECIALLY as i see agent mortem questions poking up on here and that just makes me even more hype!!! :D enjoy! <3

Ooooo this is a cool question! I’ve been asked it before but I feel with different characters and such, it always seems to fluctuate for me at least? In the sense, it’s almost never the same process for me in the developmental stages of a character haha! Sometimes I get characteristics first hand, or sometimes a certain scene pops up that just makes the character click and I can build from there, or sometimes, it’s just a last name or a first name that I work with and suddenly have an idea for!

For example, since we’re on the general topic of Landslide, I’ll talk about some things I did when creating specifically Natia. The “Natia” who is currently portrayed in the fic, was not always really like that. Natia initially was not a SOE Agent/Polish Resistance Fighter and instead a Dutch Resistance Member who would meet with Easy in Episode 4. I always sort of knew Natia, in whatever form she was, would meet Easy in Episode 4, but I wasn’t sure how, so the building in the first 17 chapters was the toughest part to come.

I did heavily feel the Polish were underrepresented in terms of the situation of the war along with everything that happened in the Warsaw Uprising and so I felt it was important to see if I could do something with that and that’s really where Natia came into play!

Natia means “hope” essentially and something I really like doing with her character is to parallel or juxtapose different ideas together, to continue on this sort of theme of her being a quite ominous and ambiguous character — you get the general sense of what her morals are, but in certain points it’s questionable. Morally-ambiguous characters have always been fascinating to me, especially female morally-ambiguous characters and so creating Natia in that respect I felt would be interesting to see what I could do!

Something major that I’ve slowly began to take into consideration with characters more and more, is the sort of general theme I want to be present with them — what’s that goal i that they are moving towards in the end and what’s the them surrounding it? For Natia it’s a multitude of things; family, revenge, being silenced, numb, grief, mentor vs protégé, lone wolf etc….the list could truly go on! And with these basic sort of ideas and themes, I can then move on from there and expand.

Why did she want REVENGE? Because the enemy killed her FAMILY, which is extremely important to her, and she wants to feel some sort of REDEMPTION for them.

Why was she BEING SILENCED? Because of the *past* conflict of the HARMFUL MENTOR VS SILENCED PROTÉGÉ situation that occurred between Agent Mortem and herself, where she allowed herself to be silenced by someone who abused the SUDDEN POWER he never had before in his life, ultimately leading to her continued issues of TRUST that she would meet throughout.

Why is she NUMB? Because at a fairly young age she experienced heavy and intense GRIEF that struck unforgivably at a time where it seemed things were safe. To rip something from a character, especially the main character, like FAMILY which is extremely important, you pull at the heart strings and it makes that character move forward on a quest for that in a way, ultimately by the end of the fic. (Basically you up they are least get a semblance of that lost thing, found again by the end)

Why is she a LONE WOLF? Because of the MENTOR VS PROTÉGÉ situation yet again, where she was taught to rely strictly on herself and no one else and so when TRUST and COMPANIONSHIP and TEAMWORK were introduced to her character, she didn’t know how to cope because she had been so desensitized to the ways of Agent Mortem that working back in the morals of family and friends was a challenge in its own respect.

It’s sort of a like a ripple effect if you think about it and that’s what helps me eventually move forward and develop the character arc I want to take place. She’s this way because of this — sort of like cause and effect. It’s really helped me out with major scenes or plot holes that have risen throughout the fic!

AGREED! Writing in general is not an easy feat and now including mind you ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, you’re literally, essentially, creating human beings from scratch and giving them characteristics, a backstory, trauma if you wish, friends and family, people they love, people they hate, morals, standards EVERYTHING! ITS INSANE! AH AND AGENT MORTEM! I’m so very glad that you brought him up, because his creation definitely stemmed directly from the want to experiment with the relationship of failed mentor vs protégé, entirely. I wanted a foil to Natia that was not directly with her all the time. Mortem plays such a MASSIVE role in her story and yet any interactions between the two are either from her mind or from memories and that’s just such a fun way to play around with their dynamic! (I just finished the creation of his backstory and character arc I want him to take and it’s only made me even more excited for what’s to ultimately come for him as well as Natia!)

A song that HEAVILY represents their dynamic is Ghost by Marvin Brooks (2WEI) and I’ll explain why. Even though Mortem is not always inherently *with* Natia, he still is a huge factor of her life, and still heavily controlling many aspects of her life such as recurring memories, reactions, and how she is also conditioned to react to certain things as well. He is essentially a “ghost” who is “haunting” Natia and I feel that’s an interesting take on their connection because they’re two people who clearly had a power struggle and a difference of opinions of multiple things and that just makes it so incredibly interesting to write!

song:

OOOOOO good question!!! So many people have such different ways of approaching story writing and planning and drafting and writing and editing and it’s honestly amazing!! I will say, I’m not an excessive planner or even a real great planner with writing, I never really have, and even as I’ve developed my writing and learned that “it’s okay to slow down”, or “it’s okay to take time for different portions to provide a deeper focus”, I still have not been someone to plan out every bit of my writing.

Reason being is I enjoy seeing where I can take the story in that time and place. Maybe if I’m doing a quick little writing segment and suddenly this idea just appears and hits me, I work it into the fic and it takes it a whole new direction and I end up not being super upset about it because it just…it works! And of course, this is not how other people operate and I have every respect for people who plan and have every detail laid out and figured out and just….completely and utterly planned to the dot. Lile kudos to people who genuinely get the planning all cleaned up before even writing, truly.

I just finalized Agent Mortem’s backstory and where I want his character arc to go and I’ve had him as a character since August of last year LOL! But ya know sometimes, I sit and I think back and go, maybe I wasn’t ready at that time to develop him completely yet because I, the writer, didn’t understand him enough to and I had to write more of him to be able to get a grasp of who he was and his character (and just about everything else!) and that’s okay!!! :)

Going with this idea I just stated above — the 4 or 5 pages of info — KEEP IT MY FRIEND!!! I swear, half the reason ideas even come to me is simply because I just write a big info dump that has all my little ideas somewhere inside and will ALWAYS be there. I recommend maybe taking a day though - away from focusing on writing or editing - and just picking that apart. (That’s what I did the other day and it helped me out MAJORLY! and it was worth it in the end!) Maybe keep the original 4-5 pages and then copy and paste the same thing in another doc so you always have the original!

And then just go through and split ideas apart! If you start reading and see it moving into another realm of headspace of ideas, just press enter and separate the two — you didn’t delete it, it’s still there and still intact! It’s just easier to look at now because instead of two, jumbled and completely different ideas, you now have two paragraphs and portions of text that relate to their own respective idea. It definitely makes it an easier pill to swallow when trying to get yourself organized!!

This really helped me when I was in my beginning stages of figuring out Landslide ESPECIALLY the first 17ish chapter where Natia was not in contact with Easy yet. I’ve explained it before but those chapters are there because we are seeing her final days with the resistance in Warsaw and how she ultimately ends up with Easy PLUS we see who she is as a character by herself and how she is not merely an extension off of Easy, but her own character, her own person. She has her own story and her own morals and ways of going about her life that don’t even relate to Easy. Their paths just happened to cross!! :)

By getting those first 17ish chapters planned, not extreme planning though I will admit, half the scenes were very much thought up on the spot for example like Natia driving to Munich in disguise or the introduction of Zdzich — two very important scenes that show us something about Natia. (1) She’s willing to go to extreme lengths for the people she loves to ensure that in the end they are safe, even if it means sacrificing herself and (2) she has trouble realizing that there are people out there that genuinely care for her, a connection to her ultimate, unruly and upsetting past. And the best part about it is THESE WEREN’T EVEN PLANNED! So sometimes, just let the story take the reigns and your mind and just guide you through it. Sometimes it is for the best :)

If you have your basic ideas and concepts and themes for how you want your fic to eventually go, the scenes for me most of the time just appear I guess when they should. Sometimes even in the times I'm not writing, I sit theorizing and questioning and thinking and developing ideas in my mind and it's a real good exercise, so when you get back to writing, you already know where you want the fic leading in the end!

MAN I LOVE THIS QUESTION. Anytime I can provide some meta or give some insight to Natia who is just one of the best characters I’ve gotten the pleasure of working with, I’ll gladly answer!

The thing I enjoy writing about Natia the most I feel, and I’ll probably always say this, is her complexity — as a writer, her character orders a healthy challenge for me that I gladly have accepted! You don’t know everything about her as a reader and as you read each chapter, that’s how you slowly uncover and discover what she hid about herself to protect herself. There’s so many different aspects of her that I could discuss truly!! (There has been so many parts that I’ve scrapped because I read through and just think “Man this doesn’t seem like Natia!”. She’s tricky sometimes to stake down exactly how she would react because of her past and her trauma and how long she’s been in war, but I just LOVE it!)

Many different aspects of her character though, come from her past and that’s what makes her interesting. I’ve really enjoyed working with the ideology of “Chekov’s Gun”, a writing device that can be used, with how I will mentioned something and it almost might seem out of the blue, yet later it all just makes sense?! When the flashback is revealed or a small portion of her past is finally allowing *light* in. It's a device I've used with Natia that has just really helped to develop her story at the pace I want it to be revealed! :D

For example, the OCEAN is mentioned many times. I make constant reference to the WAVES, the RECESSION of them from time to time, the comparison of the OCEAN both ABOVE and BELOW surface — all of that sorta stuff! For her character, it seems a bit out of place. She’s COLD. She’s NUMB. She’s BROKEN. What does an open body of water consuming at least 70% of the Earth have to do with an OC based in Warsaw, Poland?

This is where the importance of her PAST will play it’s role, as it has a major INFLUENCE on her and her CHARACTER and her MORALS. One of the main reasons the OCEAN is inherently connected to Natia is because of her PAST and one of those main reasons is AGENT MORTEM and her TRAINING, especially WATER training. I can’t comment further on this though as readers have only touched the tip of the iceberg for the use of the OCEAN and it’s IMPORTANCE so far in this fic! (Ask me again about it once this fic is finished up for the most part, unless….by Part 4 readers understand why!)

Natia just remains a character who constantly is developing and changing inside my head - where I want her path to ultimately end up leading by the end of the fic, where I want both her mental head space vs emotional head space should be and etc. So many portions of this fic are dealt specifically on her internal monologue and how she calculates and problem solves from that portion of her sort of *engagement* within the conflict. There never seems to be a dull moment when writing her!

Another thing I really have enjoyed about writing Natia is her clashing personality traits that make her interesting to write in both different scenarios and reactions. She's stubborn yet humble. She's numb and cold but internally extremely caring and giving and filled with these bottled up emotions. She's mentally strong yet she's been through so much and let the war take so much. She never complains about what she's doing, but she's lost nearly everyone she loves. She's a fighter in this war and refuses to back down from a battle she know she can wage, but the second she is pulled from the aspect of war, things crash and burn around her. Just even these few combating sort of things, really show her character and what, through writing, has slowly developed! They always lay around in the back of my mind and it's one of the main things I remind myself when I write Natia all the tme.

I think one of the most important things I've learned from both writing and creating a character like Natia is that (1) it's okay to ask for help, about anything, literally anything. You don't have to confine everything to yourself and build up this immense pressure to do what you must to continue moving forward. It's okay to have people there to help you and support you. (2) It's okay to be strong alone and even if you seem to be the only one on the current path you're are on, it does not mean you are wrong. it can still lead to the right destination in the end!

Oooo okay! AGENT MORTEM!! I am totally down to chat about some things I've loved to write with him with and some challenges I've discovered, but as far as what I've learned from him, I will be holding off and could answer that when the entire fic is both completed and then updated on platforms....just because ;) don't want to give away any spoilers haha! <3

Something I've enjoyed about writing and crafting Agent Mortem is letting him remain as mysterious and secretive as he is for so long. Initially, I can't even begin to recall what his character would be like even a year ago, but seeing where he has developed now, I'm really happy with where he is. He's mysterious, he's shadowed, he seems like a figure in the background, a past mentor who is half deranged and lost his mind with a background with so substance. It makes for such a fascinating way to begin to reveal his past! (something I've began to insert into part 4 of Landslide and man I'm just so HYPE!)

I feel I'm excited simply because he's finally getting the time and moment he deserves to finally explain and show himself as to what has occurred. There's so many fractured and disconnected parts of what is currently going on with Natia and her connection to both Agent Mortem and then Death is tossed in the mix and it seems this big complicated mess of 'how' Agent Mortem got to be this way, 'why' he does a thing such as this, just different and varying aspects such as that. it makes for those big final reveals to all be even more worth it!

He has been quite the challenge though I will admit. There's so many perspectives he could quite possibly be viewed from and his *character* + morals/values could be pulled in a various amount of ways as well. Making sure he accurately comes across the way I want him to both appear and come across to the reader and to myself has definitely been tricky. He's not as easy as suspected, you know, not just a 'dude who had a bad day and went insane in the end', there's a whole multitude of levels and reasons and a deep, heavy and traumatizing background starting from his birth really (which is a whole other story). Managing and balancing that all in one has definitely been something I've had to keep on top of and monitor but I feel has really been worth the challenge in the end. Because at the end of the day, I'm someone looking to constantly challenge myself.

And a good challenge, whether it be writing or academics or a workout, is healthy and GOOD! That's what Landslide in a whole has really shown me, to challenge yourself daily to see where you can push yourself and your imagination and creativity, just to see where you can even go!! it's exciting and refreshing!

Thank you so much for this wonderful ask Rose! I appreciate it more than ANYTHING as you well know, and I know it's taken me *quite* some time to answer, but I've been working on it for weeks now and finally got it out because it was ready! I really wanted to take my time with it and develop it to its full potential in the end and I feel I have (without giving away any spoilers haha!) As always, please know if you have any further questions regarding Natia Filipska, Agent Mortem, Death (along with other characters of Landslide), writing, the process (my own included), tips for writing/planning, or just anything else in general, I will always be happy to help in anyway I can! You're always welcome, anyone always is!!! <3333 Thank you again, I had so much fun doing this more than anything! :D

#writing #writing tips #band of brothers #bob fic #band of brothers fic #also hello landslide day tmr and it’s a good one hehe :d #natia filipska #agent mortem #death (character)#basic aid on characters + writing/planning #plus gathering thoughts #thank you again for this rose! i had so much fun! <3333

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anotherimaginethatblog · 3 years

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Together

hey guys, so this is my first ever post of something ive written. im trying to get back into it so please bare with me while i get back into the swing of it.

pairing Kenny Omega x Reader

summary: your fed up with being stuck in the uk so decide to fly back to Florida (I am aware this probably has some holes in terms of the pandemic, but its only fanfic)

warnings: none

Life was hard enough being in a long-distance relationship with the one and only Kenny omega and thats before adding the stress of a global pandemic into the mix. Late night phone calls and facetime was becoming the only way the two of you would get to spend quality time together but seeing his handsome face over the phone was just not enough for you.

“I need to see you ken, I miss just being in the house with you, it’s not the same on my own”.

“I know babe, but hopefully soon you can get a flight and come back to Florida and see me, I miss you too” said Kenny. “so much”

You needed to see your man, it felt like your soul was missing something, some important piece that just made you whole and happy. Despite your friends and family telling you to stay put in the UK you needed to get back to Florida, that was your home now. The place where you and Kenny had put down roots and decided to begin the next chapters of your lives together.

“you can’t just go to the airport and get a flight” your mum had said to you “they won’t just let you on the plane the way things are at the moment, it’s not ideal (Y/N), but that’s the way it is”.

Deep down you knew she was right, it was not the ideal time to be travelling, but how long do you (and could you) stay in the UK at your parents’ house for? You needed to go home, not only for the sake of your relationship with Kenny but for the sake of your relationship with your family, you loved your mum and dad but living back with them after all the years of having your own place was becoming harder by the day. Getting your laptop out you decided now was the time, you were going home.

After the stresses of the airport, the flight and getting into the country you were glad to be on your way back to your home in Orlando. You could not wait to get back to your own space, back to random afternoons spent chilling by the pool and most importantly back to Kenny.

As you pulled onto your drive outside the lovely home you had purchased together in a friendly gated community you could not help but feel relaxed, like a weight was lifted. Being back in your element was soothing your soul. The only downside was you noticed Kenny’s car was missing.

“probably at the gym” you thought aloud, before hopping out of your car and making your way into the home you had made your own together.

“Kenny, you home babe” …. no answer, he was definitely out, but never mind you thought, it would give you chance to get settled back in and tidy up the place a little, not that Kenny was messy, but he was a man and those little things he would do around the house still bugged you after all this time.

After cleaning up a little you unpacked your things and decided on a nice bubble bath to freshen up ready for surprising your love, you hadn’t told him you were coming home and the thought of him not being excited to see was itching away at the back of your brain. Trying to push the anxiety away. you laid back in the hot soapy water and relaxed.

After a while of soaking away you got out and got dressed into your favourite loungewear, after all these years together you no longer felt the need to dress to impress, not that he didn’t appreciate the effort when you made it, but Kenny wasn’t the type of guy who expected you to be dolled up to the nines all the time, in fact he loved you most when you were at your natural best.

A little while later, and a couple of beers in you heard the front door open and knew straight away Kenny was home, you did not make a move, you waited for him to come to you. After all, hed probably (most definitely) seen your car parked up and realised you had made the trip back home. “babe, you home” he shouted from the hall.

“yeah babe, just in here. I’m in the lounge” you shouted back.

“what?!...when did you get home, why didn’t you call me” he was smiling and you could tell he was happy to see you, all the anxiousness floated away.

“I grabbed a flight out before they all got cancelled, I couldn’t stay with my parents anymore god love them” you laughed. You went in for the hug and could see the look on his face, “babe I had the test to fly I’m good”.

“I wasn’t…I didn’t…I’m sorry it’s just…” he stumbled.

“its fine, now come here …unless” you trailed off, and before you could say anything else, he wrapped you up in a big bear hug, you had missed this, him, the way he smelled and the way he just made you feel about yourself. It had been a while since you’d been together, you hoped he hadn’t got too used to his own space, what if things where awkward and the spark had gone? But you needn’t have worried, you soon fell into that familiar comfort of each others company, that was what you loved so much. At the start it was hot and heavy yes, there was the stage of not being able to keep your hands off each other but what you had now was unlike any relationship before. He really was your best friend, you could tell him anything. You didn’t need to be ripping each others clothes off (as fantastic as it was) to feel close to each other, this was real and you just knew it was going to be forever. And you couldn’t wait to get started on it …all over again.

#kenny omega x reader #kenny omega imagine #kenny omega fanfiction #aew imagine #wrestling imagine

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2015habsroster · 3 years

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stole this from @couturriere who left tagging open, cause im sick in bed today and super bored

1. why did you choose your url?

pretty obvious i think, but the 2014-15 habs have such a special place in my heart and they were my team when i started getting into hockey more seriously and getting to know players better (also i miss pk subban & patches & the gallys together & when all the veteran players i grew up loving were still on the team)

2. any side blogs?

this is technically a side blog even tho its not a real side blog my main is here if anyone is curious lol

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

since 2012, and 2015 for this blog specifically

4. do you have a queue tag?

nope never used the queue lol

5. why did you start your blog?

ive always been a hockey fan and in 2015 i found out abt hockey tumblr and loved that it was a thing, so i decided to make a side blog

6. why did you choose your pfp?

i was drawing that picture and just liked it idk?? ill probably find a new one soon

7. why did you choose your header?

its the same one i had back in like 2017 when i was last active on here. i went to a canadiennes game and was rlly excited abt it (rip the cwhl), so i just kept it for the memories idk

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

probably one of my drawings??

9. how many mutuals do you have?

not sure?? lots of new ones tho hi <3

10. how many followers do you have?

674 but like im sure most of them are inactive at this point

11. how many people do you follow?

1398 which is crazy i dont eve follow that many ppl on main but i have to unfollow a bunch cause most are inactive at this point

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

uhh probably??? who hasnt

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

lol lets just say its my most used app

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

dear god no, i hate tumblr drama

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

makes me not wanna reblog it no matter how good the original point was, i hate guilt trips and i dont want to spread them to other people

16. do you like tag games?

yes i love talking about myself

17. do you like ask games?

also yes, love attention

18. which of your mutuals do you think are tumblr famous?

idk abt here but i definitely have some tumblr famous mutuals on main which is funny cause im a three notes post kinda gal

if anyone wants to do this, im tagging u & tag me so i can see ur answers, i love reading these!!

#tag game

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birdlord · 3 years

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Everything I Watched in 2020

We’ll start with movies. The number in parentheses is the year of release, asterisks denote a re-watch, and titles in bold are my favourite watches of the year. Here’s 2019’s list.

01 Little Women (19)

02 The Post (17)

03 Molly’s Game (17)

04 * Doctor No (62)

05 Groundhog Day (93)

06 *Star Trek IV - The Voyage Home (86)

07 Knives Out (19) My last theatre experience (sob)

08 Professor Marston and his Wonder Women (17)

09 Les Miserables (98)

10 Midsommar (19) I’m not sure how *good* it is, but it does stick in the ol’ brain

11 *Manhattan Murder Mystery (93)

12 Marriage Story (19)

13 Kramer vs Kramer (79)

14 Jojo Rabbit (19)

15 J’ai perdu mon corps (19) a cute animated film about a hand detached from its body!

16 1917 (19)

17 Married to the Mob (88)

18 Klaus (19)

19 Portrait of a Lady on Fire (19) If Little Women made me want to wear a scarf criss-crossed around my torso, this one made me want to wear a cloak

20 The Last Black Man in San Francisco (19)

21 *Lawrence of Arabia (62)

22 Gone With the Wind (39)

23 Kiss Me Deadly (55)

24 Dredd (12)

25 Heartburn (86) heard a bunch about this one in the Blank Check series on Nora Ephron, sadly after I’d watched it

26 The Long Shot (19)

27 Out of Africa (85)

28 King Kong (46)

29 *Johnny Mnemonic (95)

30 Knocked Up (07)

31 Collateral (04)

32 Bird on a Wire (90)

33 The Black Dahlia (05)

34 Long Time Running (17)

35 *Magic Mike (12)

36 Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (07)

37 Cold War (18)

38 *Kramer Vs Kramer (79) yes I watched this a few months before! This was a pandemic friend group co-watch.

39 *Burn After Reading (08)

40 Last Holiday (50)

41 Fly Away Home (96)

42 *Moneyball (11) I’m sure I watch this every two years, at most??

43 Last Holiday (06) the Queen Latifah version of the 1950 movie above, lacking, of course, the brutal “poor people don’t deserve anything good” ending

44 *Safe (95)

45 Gimme Shelter (70)

46 The Daytrippers (96)

47 Experiment in Terror (62)

48 Tucker: The Man and His Dream (88)

49 My Brilliant Career (79) one of the salvations of 2020 was watching movies “with” friends. Our usual method was to video chat before the movie, sync our streaming services, and text-chat while the movie was on.

50 Divorce Italian Style (61)

51 *Gosford Park (01) another classic comfort watch, fuck I love a G. Park

52 Hopscotch (80)

53 Brief Encounter (45)

54 Hud (63)

55 Ocean’s 8 (18)

56 *Beverly Hills Cop (84)

57 Blow the Man Down (19)

58 Constantine (05)

59 The Report (19) maddening!! How are people so consistently terrible to one another!

60 Everyday People (04)

61 Anatomy of a Murder (58)

62 Spiderman: Homecoming (17)

63 *To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (95) Of the 90s drag road movies, Priscilla is more visually striking, but this has its moments.

64 Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (92)

65 *The Truman Show (98)

66 Mona Lisa (86)

67 The Blob (58)

68 The Guard (11)

69 *Waiting for Guffman (96) RIP Fred Willard

70 Rocketman (19)

71 Outside In (18)

72 The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (08) how strange to see a movie that you have known the premise for, but no details of, for over a decade

73 *Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country (91)

74 The Reader (08)

75 Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (19) This was fine until it VERY MUCH WAS NOT FINE

76 The End of the Affair (99) you try to watch a fun little romp about infidelity during the Blitz, and Graham Greene can’t help but shoehorn in a friggin crisis of religious faith

77 Must Love Dogs (05) barely any dog content, where are the dogs at

78 The Rainmaker (97)

79 *Batman & Robin (97)

80 National Lampoon’s Vacation (83) Never seen any of the non-xmas Vacations, didn’t realize the children are totally different, not just actors but ages! Also, this one is blatantly racist!

81 *Mystic Pizza (88)

82 Funny Girl (68)

83 The Sons of Katie Elder (65)

84 *Knives Out (19) another re-watch within the same year!! How does this keep happening??

85 *Scott Pilgrim Vs The World (10) a real I-just-moved-away-from-Toronto nostalgia watch

86 Canadian Bacon (92) vividly recall this VHS at the video store, but I never saw it til 2020

87 *Blood Simple (85)

88 Brittany Runs a Marathon (19)

89 The Accidental Tourist (88)

90 August Osage County (13) MELO-DRAMA!!

91 Appaloosa (08)

92 The Firm (93) Feeling good about how many iconic 80s/90s video store stalwarts I watched in 2020

93 *Almost Famous (00)

94 Whisper of the Heart (95)

95 Da 5 Bloods (20)

96 Rain Man (88)

97 True Stories (86)

98 *Risky Business (83) It’s not about what you think it’s about! It never was!

99 *The Big Chill (83)

100 The Way We Were (73)

101 Safety Last (23) It’s getting so that I might have to add the first two digits to my dates...not that I watch THAT many movies from the 1920s...

102 Phantasm (79)

103 The Burrowers (08)

104 New Jack City (91)

105 The Vanishing (88)

106 Sisters (72)

107 Puberty Blues (81) Little Aussie cinema theme, here

108 Elevator to the Gallows (58)

109 Les Diaboliques (55)

110 House (77) haha WHAT no really W H A T

111 Death Line (72)

112 Cranes are Flying (57)

113 Holes (03)

114 *Lady Vengeance (05)

115 Long Weekend (78)

116 Body Double (84)

117 The Crazies (73) I love that Romero shows the utter confusion that would no doubt reign in the case of any kind of disaster. Things fall apart.

118 Waterlilies (07)

119 *You’re Next (11)

120 Event Horizon (97)

121 Venom (18) I liked it, guys, way more than most superhero fare. Has a real sense of place and the place ISN’T New York!

122 Under the Silver Lake (18) RIP Night Call

123 *Blade Runner (82)

124 *The Birds (62) interesting to see now that I’ve read the story it came from

125 *28 Days Later (02) hits REAL FUCKIN’ DIFFERENT in a pandemic

126 Life is Sweet (90)

127 *So I Married an Axe Murderer (93) find me a more 90s movie, I dare you (it’s not possible)

128 Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (67)

129 The Pelican Brief (93) 90s thrillers continue!

130 Dick Johnston is Dead (20)

131 The Bridges of Madison County (95)

132 Earth Girls are Easy (88) Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum are so hot in this movie, no wonder they got married

133 Better Watch Out (16)

134 Drowning Mona (00) trying for something like the Coen bros and not getting there

135 Au Revoir Les Enfants (87)

136 *Chasing Amy (97) Affleck is the least alluring movie lead...ever? I also think I gave Joey Lauren Adams’ character short shrift in my memory of the movie. It’s not good, but she’s more complicated than I recalled.

137 Blackkklansman (18)

138 Being Frank (19)

139 Kiki’s Delivery Service (89)

140 Uncle Frank (20) why so many FRANKS

141 *National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (89) watching with pals (virtually) made it so much more fun than the usual yearly watch!

142 Half Baked (98) another, more secret Toronto nostalgia pic - RC Harris water filtration plant as a prison!

143 We’re the Millers (13)

144 All is Bright (13)

145 Defending Your Life (91)

146 Christmas Chronicles (18) I maintain that most new xmas movies are terrible, particularly now that Netflix churns them out like eggnog every year.

147 Spiderman: Into the Spider-Verse (18)

148 Reindeer Games (00) what did I say about Affleck??!? WHAT DID I SAY

149 Palm Springs (20)

150 Happiest Season (20)

151 *Metropolitan (90) it’s definitely a Christmas movie

152 Black Christmas (74)

THEATRE:HOME - 2:150 (thanks pandemic)

I usually separate out docs and fiction, but I watched almost no documentaries this year (with the exception of Dick Johnston). Reality is real enough.

TV Series

01 - BoJack Horseman (final season) - Pretty damned poignant finish to the show, replete with actual consequences for our reformed bad boy protagonist (which is more than you can say for most antiheroes of Peak TV).

02 - *Hello Ladies - I enjoy the pure awkwardness of seeing Stephen Merchant try to perform being a Regular Person, but ultimately this show tips him too far towards a nasty, Ricky Gervais-lite sort of persona. Perhaps he was always best as a cameo appearance, or lip synching with wild eyes while Chrissy Teigen giggles?

03 - Olive Kittredge - a rough watch by times. I read the book as well, later in the year. Frances Mcdormand was the best, possibly the only, casting option for the flinty lead. One episode tips into thriller territory, which is a shock.

04 - *The Wire S3, S4, S5 - lockdown culture! It was interesting to rewatch this, then a few months later go through an enormous, culture-level reappraisal of cop-centred narratives.

05 - Forever - a Maya Rudolph/Fred Armisen joint that coasts on the charm of its leads. The premise is OK, but I wasn’t left wanting any more at the end.

06 - *Catastrophe - a rewatch when my partner decided he wanted to see it, too!

07 - Red Oak - resolutely “OK” steaming dramedy, relied heavily on some pretty obvious cues to get across its 1980s setting.

08 - Little Fires Everywhere - gulped this one down while in 14-day isolation, delicious! Every 90s suburban mom had that SUV, but not all of them had the requisite **secrets**

09 - The Great - fun historical comedy/drama! Costumes: lush. Actors: amusing. Race-blind casting: refreshing!

10 - The Crown S4 - this is the season everyone lost their everloving shit for, since it’s finally recent enough history that a fair chunk of the viewing audience is liable to recall it happening.

11 - Ted Lasso - we resisted this one for a while (thought I did enjoy the ad campaign for NBC sports (!!) that it was based on). My view is that its best point was the comfort that the men on the show have (or develop, throughout the season) with the acknowledgement and sharing of their own feelings. Masculinity redux.

12 - Moonbase 8 - Goodnatured in a way that makes you certain they will be crushed.

13 - The Good Lord Bird - Ethan Hawke is really aging into the character actor we always hoped he would be!

14 - Hollywood - frothy wish-fulfillment alternate history. I think the show would have been improved immeasurably by skipping the final episode.

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savnofilter · 4 years

Text

answering all anonymous asks

i have a lot of mixed opinions and stuff so i just compiled them into one post. the public ones i will be posting separately, simply because i feel they are different. all responses are under the cut!

tw: mentions of pedophilia and gore.

i am and thank you!! i havent really eaten since tuesday but ive trying to keep my fluids up. i hope you are doing okay as well, anon!

~ i learned about puberty when i was 6 only because my sisters had already learnt it (ages 8). the educational sites used were always catered to helping the youth learn about periods, puberty, and everything that comes along with it. once i was at age 8, i also had access to the sites as well.

~ the idea of sex was brought around to me around 8. at 9 i had an experience but i will not get into it since it’s still slightly traumatic for me. other than having a negative experience with it, i yet again already had an understanding because of my older sister’s and i’s class experiences to have a grasp of it.

i would also like to add that my parent were never prudes. bringing up this point, disclaimer that they havent done anything weird to me or my sister. once i was 11 (in 6th grade), i was learning about sex and reproduction. my mother has always told me if i had any questions about that type of stuff, that i should never be afraid to ask.

if she felt anything was too explicit she would tell me that i didnt have to learn about that right now and that when i am older she would be receptive responding. i honestly think the hate stems from the fact that they dont get dicked down well enough from their own bfs that they have to write the pent up frustration on minor characters.

i mean with the cult running around, yes it is. if you are not in a close circle or have an established following, you will have a much harder time getting your stuff out there. its not impossible but it is much definitely more difficult to start up.

if you need help with getting your work out there i am more than welcome in trying to help you out tho!

THANK. YOU. someone had to fucking say it, couldnt be me since they refuse to listen to me. do you know how predatory in itself trying to control what minors of the same age doing together???? the only time i can see minors getting “arrested” unless it was public indecency. also why are you an adult knowing about 14 y.os getting arrested for sexual intercourse? 🤡

it definitely is safe. the people most active are teenagers so do not feel afraid. if there are any concerns please come to me since i am the original and head of the server.

!!! exactly. her sorry ass callout post about my age and followers LOL. “sorry i have more notes than you” i- i had to laugh. i think its so funny because if this was about followers i wouldve done this earlier, not when i hit 5,000 followers.

^ this. all it took was a gabby hannah callout post about my age cnckjsvd couldnt be me. these people preach about keeping kids safe, the kids of the fandom speak up about an abuse and toxicity problem and suddenly we’re ruining the fandom? pick one or the other pls. 🤡

i just honestly find it concerning that theyre thirsting over a character thats um.... HALF YOUR AGE. fake or not its weird asf. its really not your place to say people shouldnt be uncomfortable because you write them “aged 18+” and the most you age them up to is 18 and still write them in U.A. i dont really understand why its such a hard concept to understand.

i just think its concerning that the same people who think i have no sexual awareness have no problem writing characters my age and the only version that theyre aged up is in their fics.

theres something wrong in this equation here.... 😗

lmao these adults have no problem giving people trauma. and yes, yes, and yes. we arent saying that there is a problem aging them up, its how you do it. its really the fact that theyre aging them up and having them at the dorms and aizawa is still somehow, their homeroom teacher? please make it make sense.

if youre especially going to age up someone and youre about 22+, your excuse is that, “their fake so it shouldnt be a problem” is predatory in all the wrong kind of ways.

^ they hate to see it. but once again they did make this an age thing,,, obviously they only learned about sex when they hit 18, and i have hacked the system and infiltrated adult territory. 🤡

right. people are like 16 y.os cant have sex -- no its in place so adults like you dont think you can fuck them any younger. thats all i have to say. but no, im fifteen, i dont have a brain or any sense of the world. no h*rny card for me.

💀 imagine being old enough to understand that stuff can be triggering and no human should even be saying that... getting those shane dawson gore fantasies here.

“no one is mad at you for writing smut. adults are mad because youre writing smut”

your adults arent mentally sound and this is why im making this post. ❤️

lmao i am okay!! ive been having phantom nerve pain where my knuckles are because of that ask though and i had a gore dream. : ) i spoke clearly and properly, when i took them as a joke (yknow being the clowns that they are), they got mad! 1/10, would not recommend a conversation! apparently shes more mature about me but her last post was about riding a teenager’s forehead cnjk vdfd COULD NOT BE ME. she choose to ignore all the other claims and it shows~ 🍵

i dont really mind, ive been wanting to talk about my age on this blog for a really long time since last but sometimes things come sooner than later. even if you dont support my work, i still thank you for supporting me as a person!

RIGHT?! im just really concerned that there are adults who understand that there are moral issues here and some dont. this is why im making a post on a select few and not the whole adult community. thank you for coming to my TED talk.

LMFAO but they dont see it?! 😂 i think me writing about characters my own age is much better than someone who has 10+ years, or better yet, MORE THAN HALF THEIR AGE writing about them. you had your hormones suppressed, doesnt mean mine should as well. 💓

personally, if i was an adult and i made a callout post on someone’s age, i would put a disclaimer to not bully the minors in question,,, just putting out there. your mature and respectful queen is doing magic. 🥰

^ and let me make it clear, after the point of time i realized that following was 18+ blogs was bad, i stopped following them. and even now im sifting through and unfollowing all of them. yes, i do have a brain at fifteen and can think. i know its a foreign concept for some people. 😳

no no no, its okay! i lied about being an adult so this all my fault. :D just think its concerning someone so easily can say one thing and everyone can follow. real cult behaviour and shes the leader. been thinking about making a mean girls poster and sticking her pfp on regina, but even regina had redemption and realized she had work to do. : )

lmao these people have said, “i started reading/writing smut when i was 11-13 but i realized how wrong it was and stopped” so how does it differ from me? you dont magically get good at 18. dont be a hypocrite.

even adults themselves are afraid to speak up. all it took was a shitty post for them to ignore the whole story. these people ignore all the abuse, therapy, toxicity, pedophilia (umbrella term) and everything else that she and her friends are being brought to light about. it shows how much of a blind eye that people have.

this is not a tati situation, i will not go back on my words.

this is understandable. this is even past the age, and this me repeating myself once again. i wasnt even the one who said i was groomed i- its people who were in your, space. think about that.

it really is. and what makes it more concerning that the same people who preach this will talk about how they want to, “beat us the fuck up” or rip our fingers for showing out concern for the vagueness of aged up in fics sometimes.

i even stated that its not everyone who does this but no one will listen.

#tw gore #tw grooming #sav talks

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jiminfms · 4 years

Photo

* hi , my name’s tee and this ain’t a waist trainer bitch , this a back brace i got scoliosis . 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨 , 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐤𝐫𝐢𝐬 ( finally ) ! i prefer either feminine or non - binary pronouns , and i reside in the est time zone ! it has taken me so long to formally write and i highkey hate it because i lost muse for my queen miss giavanna , so i decided to bring another muse instead of leaving because honestly ... i love ya’ll 🥺 . the way i love miss jennie kim is more than i wanna admit , so let me introduce you guys to the tiny ball of aggression that is jimin jung !

omg ! i was walking yonge street downtown , and you’ll never guess who i saw . jimin jung ! i just saw a post about them on sixsecrets ! i think it said something like ' jimin jung physically restrained by security guards following a verbal argument with fellow customer at drake one fifty ! ' . isn’t that wild ? i guess it makes sense though , since they’re apparently antagonistic and bellicose . but i’ve heard they’re also sultry and voguish ! i’ll just stick to giving them the benefit of the doubt . i mean , it’s not like i know them personally — they’re a famous singer / songwriter and model ! you know , i’ve actually heard rumors that redacted , but they’re just rumors … i think . i dunno . if you happen to run into them , tell them i’m their biggest fan !

FULL NAME : jung jimin .

NICKNAME(S) : n/a .

AGE + DATE OF BIRTH : 24 + june 10th , 1996 .

ASTROLOGICAL SIGN : gemini .

MEYERS - BRIGGS PERSONALITY TYPE : entj .

MORAL ALIGNMENT : chaotic neutral .

GENDER + PRONOUNS : cis female + she / her / hers .

SEXUAL ORIENTATION : bisexual .

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : biromantic .

PLACE OF BIRTH : kensington , london , england .

PLACE OF RESIDENCE : toronto , ontario , canada ( specifically , in the neighborhood of forest hill ) .

OCCUPATION : singer / songwriter and model .

VOICECLAIM : dua lipa .

NATIONALITY : british - korean .

ETHNICITY : korean .

LANGUAGES SPOKEN : english , korean , and japanese .

i. prosopography .

jimin’s story begins with the fateful meeting of her parents , kim seo - yeon and jung do - young , on a cold winter’s day . they found themselves at the tender ages of 20 and 22 , attending a boring christmas gala with their parents when they would have preferred to do anything else in the world . seo - yeon was a women who knew what she wanted the moment her eyes landed upon it , so when she made brief eye contact with do - young , she purposefully spilled a glass of champagne onto his expensive tom ford suit and made a big deal of it . this sparked their whirlwind romance , and six months later they found themselves announcing their engagement to korean media outlets .

despite how quickly they were engaged , their parents saw this as mutually beneficial . seo - yeon is the youngest daughter of the wealthy kim family , owners of the kq group conglomerate that was worth billions in its own right . do - young was the only child of his parents , and came from park family lineage where their hotels and resorts were the cause of their fortune . the families were soon to be one , and the couple was the chaebol heirs that others envied . following their lavish wedding , seo - yeon and do - young decided that they were going to head off to london to make a life for themselves . so , they transferred to oxford university , finished their schooling , and shortly after seo - yeon’s graduation from the financial economics program , the couple discovered that they were expecting .

it was a sticky summer day when seo - yeon unexpectedly gave birth to their daughter , who decided not to allow her parents time to get to the hospital . jimin was born in the bathtub of her parents’ luxury bathroom , and right into the arms of her slightly panicked but overjoyed father . from the time that she was a toddler , araminta was a very precocious child , picking up on skills quite quickly and speaking in few short sentences by the time she was eleven months old . as she grew older , jimin’s parents remained hands on despite their busy schedules , and decided that they would see what their daughter would have the most interest in . when she was four , her parents began piano lessons , and it was evident that she had a natural gift for the instrument .

life for jimin had always been comfortable , but she didn’t want to take the usual route , or what was expected of her . she had always been interested in music , so she she originally started with taking dance classes . she trained in all forms of dance in order to be well rounded , and she initially had dreams of becoming a backup dancer , but when she was playing around and decided to make a video singing a song that she had written all on her own , jimin became an overnight sensation . her song , hotter than hell , blew up almost instantly and she was signed to warner music group .

i’ve written enough VCJNXVBHCV but her career has followed the timeline of dua’s , although it’s slightly off by maybe the month or the year . she has won a total of forty - two awards in her career , including two grammy awards and three brit awards . although miss dua got a lil clowned for her dancing at one point , i must say that jimin is quite the performer , and definitely makes use of the stages by recreating music videos or simply giving the audience an experience . she has not released future nostalgia as of yet , but it’s what she’s currently working towards ! through her career , she is known by her mononym jimin !

ii. temperament .

jimin is a real bitch , but she doesn’t go out of her way to ‘ out bitch ’ someone because she finds it to be kinda dumb . she’s primarily looking to have fun , and no one is about to be bitchy around her without getting snatched up .

she parties like she just turned twenty - one and dares someone to say something about it ! invite her to the club and she’s coming without a second thought . she’s the friend who will make plans and will get a little sad when people cancel on her , but she’s still going to find a way to enjoy herself .

does not take authority seriously and she can be seen making a jerking off motion whenever someone kisses up to those of authority . talks shit , but backs it up because if you’re bold enough to talk shit you might get hit , right ?

she’s a sultry bitch and she loves it . give her the chance and she’ll flirt with a tree , she’ll flirt with a plant , and she might flirt with your significant other . she can get kinda lewd and will say something really off - beat , and honestly shut her up if you do .

the epitome of a gen - z / millennial line straddler as she can’t walk past a mirror without taking pictures of herself . sickeningly vain as she takes pictures at any chance she can like after getting her hair and makeup done or even when she’s out and about shopping .

iii. headcanons .

jimin is quite chaotic and she does not hold back from it ! she’s a pot stirrer , and she’ll watch everything unfold as if she wasn’t the one to start the problems in the first place . not afraid to spread a rumor or putting a trolling instagram comment on one of her posts on blast . she likes to be petty , but she can back it up ( but it’s NOT fat enough 😔 ) .

her style is vastly different than what’s expected . on stage , i would think her style is something akin to kpop stage outfits , but not necessarily as tame . she’s not afraid to show skin so there’s a lot of embellished leotards and heels , dramatic eye makeup and perfectly styled hair . off stage , she likes a relaxed but high - end style . lots of denim , lots of black , loves oversized pieces , but she loves to follow trends where she can .

loves to yoga , pilates , and anything else that doesn’t involve having to go to an actual gym . she especially love aerial yoga as it keeps her flexible as a dancer .

miss jennie didn’t let us enjoy it long enough , but jimin’s hair is canon to jennie’s blonde pieces ! she’ll switch up the color every so often with temporary dyes , but other than that , it’s usually always blonde !

she doesn’t drink st*rbucks so don’t ask her to go , and she especially doesn’t go because she likes very simple coffee drinks .

iv. wanted connections .

give me everything , please ! i’d love some of the basics like former friends , best friends , industry rivals , friends with benefits , confidant(s) , frenemies , good / bad influences , one night stand(s) , enemies with benefits , or a current or ex fling !

because i love my women loving women , hand over the ex girlfriend ! in my head i’m thinking that they were a really happy couple and they were really good to one another , but they drifted apart . they remain good friends and people probably think there’s still feelings because they can be rather touchy feely with one another ( 👀 ) .

ifykyk .... but i love angst ! i love to have my heart ripped right out of my chest so give me angst in any form : angsty friends , exes , anything !

a couple who are stuck in a limbo ! they have yet to make it past the point of friends , wondering if they’re just a hookup to one another would there could potentially be more . they probably fight a lot because of those underlying feelings , but it could be interesting to explore either way !

give me enemies ! and not for fake but two people who genuinely dislike one another . it’s not surprising for jimin to not get along with a lot of people considering the fact that she’s not ... the nicest , and i’m not entirely sure as to why they’d dislike each other , but it could be so much thank u KFJDFDS .

give me the heartbreak that still lingers i will sell you my SOUL . maybe their relationship was good , or it was a mess KNFJD , but but when they broke up they haven’t fully gotten over it yet ? probably a lot of lingering looks , and giving compliments but they’re kinda awkward because they don’t know how to approach each other sometimes .

#sixhqintro #blog is on dashboard for now while editing !#also this is really long pls don't pelt me with eggs NVJCBHVXC #i did it ya'll KNFJBHD

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allofthismatters · 4 years

Text

I wrote this a while ago and never finished/posted it, so here’s some Ava and Sara recovering from 4x12. :)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22942597 -----------------------------

Finding Ava felt like one of Sara’s nightmares.

So far it was all darkened hallways that branched off and never ended, with nothing but dim blue lights that hurt her eyes and made her dizzy. She’d spent years learning to control her emotions no matter the circumstance, but now she can hardly hear her own breath over the blood rushing in her ears.

She can’t stop turning images over in her head of Ava—hurt, trapped, tortured, starved, weak…dead. Sara has been every one of those things herself at one point or another, but it feels ten times worse imagining any of it happening to Ava.

She’s spent plenty of time the last two weeks begging herself to believe things never would have worked out between them in the long run, just so losing her wouldn’t hurt so much. She drifted between forced indifference and allowing the crushing heartache to find its way through until she was numb and exhausted by it.

There was no more numbness now—she’s running on pure terror and rage…rage that anyone would do this to the woman she loves, and rage for allowing herself to spend so much time thinking Ava was just too angry to pick up the phone when she was actually god knew where, alone and in trouble, and how could she let this happen?

She and John are searching wildly, and all Sara can think about is how fucking cold this place is and how much Ava must hate it.

They open door after door only to find room after empty room, Sara’s stomach getting sicker and her lungs getting tighter until finally, finally, she crashes into John and sees why he’s stopped. The door in front of them is cracked open, light filtering into the hallway. She pushes past him and opens the door with fire in her eyes.

She’s ready to kill anything in her way.

The room is empty besides a figure hunched over in a chair. It’s slumped against the wall, gaunt and freezing, hair plastered across cheeks—

Sara’s flying toward her before either of them can blink. Not a thought in her head of what she might be running into, years of League instincts momentarily abandoned in order to get her hands on Ava before she loses her mind. Sure, she can’t see her face, but she knows her anywhere.

There you are.

For a split second, all the adrenaline keeping Sara upright drains at the sight of her…Ava, who she’s spent all day scared to death for and who she’s ached for since the night she told her to get out of her office. Ava.

Sara kneels in front of her; she can distantly hear herself murmuring nonsense as she clears the wet clumps of hair from the face in front of her. Ava lifts her head and makes only the briefest eye contact before her strength fails her and her chin hits her chest so hard that Sara can hear her teeth clatter. She lifts her face, but finds nothing besides familiar eyes trying and failing to look at her before they fall closed again.

Sara swears under her breath and feels for her pulse.

There’s a lot of fumbling as they free her. It’s not lost on Sara the way John tries to help get Ava into her arms at first, and she feels a pang of appreciation for how well he understands her. She wants, needs, needs to make Ava safe herself, needs to feel the strain of her body, but Ava’s so much taller than her and she’s such dead weight that Sara finally relents to rationality and lets John carry her to the ship.

Sara arrives first, yelling for Gideon, losing words when she realizes she has no idea what Ava needs…what even happened to her, really? All she knows is—

“Gideon, she’s-- Ava’s cold. She’s really cold.” She gets the words out like a scared child as she clears off the chair in the medbay and digs for a bag of fluid in the cabinet. John is just behind her and settles Ava’s limp form down while Sara forces her shaking hands to secure the medbay cuff on her wrist. She presses on Ava’s arm until she finds a vein, only vaguely aware that she’s muttering a steady stream of soft words that are half for her girlfriend and half for herself.

“You’re ok, hang on for me. You’re ok.”

There’s a machine somewhere behind her that’s at least registering a pulse.

“There you go, keep--don’t go anywhere, babe.”

She gets the IV secured, figuring it can’t hurt. Her eyes frantically scan the medbay screens, lips moving as her clouded mind tries to make sense of it. All she needs is proof of life, and she seems to be in luck. Ava’s heartbeat picks up just the smallest bit, and with it, loosens the vice around Sara's lungs.

“Ok, that’s my girl….that’s my girl.” The words slip out unfiltered, tender, automatic and she fights off the quick stab of hurt that asks, Are you sure she’s still your girl? There’s panicked anguish bubbling up in her chest, and while now would be an awful time to throw up, Sara feels sick to her stomach. What if she was too late? What if she has to sit here and watch another person she loves die right in front of her eyes? How is she going to survive another loss, this loss—

Gideon mercifully cuts off her spiraling thoughts with what Sara probably could have figured out herself: that Director Sharpe is suffering from severe dehydration and exhaustion…her body temperature is 85 degrees, her pulse is irregular, her blood pressure is nowhere near safe…Sara misses the rest of it as her vision swims and her stomach clenches with nausea.

“Captain, I’d recommend getting her something warmer. I can fabricate—", Gideon begins.

“Stay with her, Sara, I’ll go get it.”

Sara startles when she realizes Zari is in the medbay now, just in time for her to hurry out again. She turns back to the chair, dragging and clawing all her emotions back under her control so she doesn’t come apart. Now that she’s got Ava in the light, she looks like death and she's not sure she's ever hated anything more in her life. Sara yanks at the filthy hems of her pantlegs until Ava is free from them, then wrestles her damp undershirt over her head, panic mounting when she can’t pull it free.

Son of a bitch.

Maybe she’s swearing out loud or maybe it’s just in her head, but she finally gives up and tears at the hem until it rips.

It’s only a shirt, but it’s thin and wet and smudged with dust and clinging to her already clammy skin. It’s only a shirt, but it feels like a threat and she needs it away from Ava’s body now.

Ava’s always cold. It's one of the first real things Sara remembers knowing about her. She has five undershirts just like this, always folded neatly, one for each work day. More than once, Sara has moved one to a drawer just so she can hear Ava’s annoyed voice echo from inside her closet, Sara, where the hell is Thursday? Her sweatshirts go missing all the time only to reappear days later, smelling faintly like her girlfriend. And she’s come to love the inevitable moment in the middle of most nights when she wakes up to Ava pressing back into her arms, shivering until the heat of Sara’s body makes her still and relaxed again.

She’s always teased Ava about it, even found it endearing, but now it feels like the most serious thing in the world, and Sara feels a weight of overwhelming shame in her chest.

Nobody fucking kept you warm.

She leans over Ava, searching her face for life, for anything. Sara moves awkwardly to get herself onto the narrow bed and wraps an arm around her girlfriend’s back. She clasps her protectively to her chest, flinching at her freezing skin as she tries to force her own warmth into her blood.

Zari comes back and the two of them get blankets tucked in around Ava and suddenly, there’s nothing left to do. The blood has stopped rushing in Sara’s ears and if she can’t quite feel Ava’s pulse, she can at least hear it beeping steadily on Gideon’s monitor. Her breath is a slow, pained rattle, but it’s breath and that’s all that matters. Sara is trying to remember how to breathe herself when she feels a gentle touch on her hands.

“Sara. Hey. Don’t hold onto her so tight.”

Zari has been milling about the whole time, making blankets and bandages appear when Sara needs them without intruding. Now her eyes are understanding and full of compassion as she pries Sara’s white knuckles away from where they’re digging into Ava’s bare back so hard she’s shaking.

She nods distantly and tries to relax, moving her hands to Ava’s cheeks. It’s hard to keep from weeping at the bone-melting relief of touching her again. It’s been too long, and she just wants to see her and talk to her again. Even with Ava in her arms, she misses her so much her chest hurts.

She sits for what seems like hours, studying her up and down. Sara’s eyes are hungry for the sight of her, her arms craving the soft weight of her body. The only thing that helps Sara dispel the lingering combination of absolute rage and sickening panic is taking inventory of Ava: her eyes sunken in, face dirty, bloody hair and ribs prominent under where her hand rests. An angry red scratch across her jaw and onto her ear. Her lips are cracked and bleeding, too. All things to tend to once Gideon’s done with her and she’s free to take care of her in privacy.

For now, she can only hold her and hope that somehow, in her oblivion, Ava knows she’s safe again. Gideon’s scattered updates startle her, someone brings Sara water and a snack that she takes gratefully, Ava’s body occasionally jerks against her as she fights complete unconsciousness. Sara rubs her back, hushing her without knowing whether she hears her or not. She's nearly drifting off herself when Gideon next speaks.

“Captain, if I might suggest, Director Sharpe will heal more easily if she’s less distressed and able to rest. I’d advise a sedative to keep her—”

Sara doesn’t hear the rest of what Gideon has to say. All she hears is a weak moan from the woman in her arms followed by a voice that’s gone unused for weeks—

“No. No—” Ava’s eyes are still closed, but there she is—alive, aware, talking. Begging not to have her senses taken away. Not again.

She’s gasping in bits of air as she blindly fumbles for whatever is on her arm that might steal her away from reality again. Sara feels nails digging into her arm and she’s not sure whether Ava is fighting her or clinging to her. She’s not sure which would break her heart more.

Sara catches her hand, holding loosely so Ava doesn’t feel trapped. Her other hand goes to rest on Ava’s forehead and she tries to keep her voice even and calm. “Ava. Ava, listen. Listen to me.” Ava pushes Sara’s hand away and Sara lets her. “Listen. It’s ok, nothing you don’t want.” She covers the inside of Ava’s arm to keep Ava from pulling off the only thing keeping her hydrated. “Leave that. You’re safe. It’s me, won’t let anything happen that you don’t want, baby.”

She stays close to Ava, trying, trying not to touch her because that’s what she needs, she needs space to let her mind catch up to where she is, but seeing her this wrecked has her heart crumbling inside her chest.

Once Ava has remembered how to breathe again, once her hands have stopped fighting and are back by her side, exhausted, shaking, Sara brushes fingertips over her wrist and covers her hand. “I’m here, sweetheart, I’ve got you.”

Ava winces and shuts her eyes against the brightness of the room. “Gideon, dim the lights?” Sara mumbles, stroking hair off of Ava’s face.

It seems to take hours, but Ava eventually gets her eyes open, takes a look at Sara and all the tension in her depleted body falls away in a rush, leaving her nothing more than an exhausted heap. The relief feels like a tidal wave. If Sara were standing it would knock her off her feet. She finally feels emotion bubbling up in her chest, nowhere to go but out, and no matter how hard she pushes it down, she feels a sob starting in her gut and getting stuck in her throat. She’s not sure whether she’s going to cry or be sick.

Ava's lost the very last of her energy and lays there, eyelids heavy, squeezing Sara’s hand reassuringly, rhythmically—the way she always does when they’re in public together. Right here, it says.

It seems to take hours before Ava closes her eyes again, breathes deeply and swallows hard. She brings one shaky hand to pinch the bridge of her nose.

“Fuck.” Ava sounds more pissed off than anything, like she’d simply been woken up by a car alarm in the night, and a sharp, hysterical sort of laugh bursts out of Sara, closer to a sob than anything. “How long?”

“Two weeks.” Sara cautiously reaches out, moving a lock of hair from Ava’s face and tucking it behind her ear. When Ava doesn’t startle or protest her touch, she does the same on the other side and then leaves her hand resting on her forehead again.

“Jesus. How did—I was home when—"

“Just rest, it doesn’t matter right now.”

Ava stills, breathing a bit steadier. She nods in agreement and stays quiet, swallowing against what Sara assumes is nausea, if her own experiences have taught her anything.

She doesn't know what finally breaks her--maybe it's just the realization that the real danger has passed and that Ava is ok, or maybe it's the way Ava keeps a hand on her every time she shuts her eyes, like she's making sure she's there--but Sara notices her own tears coming once it’s too late; her face has already crumpled and then she’s weeping, as quietly as she can. She just can’t help it. She hasn’t heard Ava’s voice or touched her skin in weeks and it’s like coming in from a storm. Coming home. She’s home.

Ava’s eyes are closed, but no matter how hard she tries, there are loud catches in Sara's breath and occasional fat tears landing on Ava’s chest.

“Don’t cry.” Ava’s hand reaches up blindly, looking for tears to clear away and instead jabs Sara somewhere near the eye. Sara nods with a shaky smile, holding Ava’s hand and using it to wipe her eyes before kissing her knuckles.

“Sorry. Just missed you so much.”

Ava seems to relax at that and she turns herself back onto her side, whimpering with pain, just to get back in Sara’s arms. She burrows in close and Sara holds her tight, like someone just gave her permission to breathe again. Ava responds with a soft kiss to her jaw that goes straight to her gut, squeezing pleasantly, reassuringly. It’s a comfort she thought she might never get back.

“Don’t let go of me yet.”

“Never.” Sara tightens her arms, kissing her dirt-smudged forehead, then her temple, her cheek, her nose, her chapped lips. “Never.”

#avalance #sara lance #ava sharpe #legends of tomorrow

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janthonyashtoreth · 4 years

Text

Another big batch of asks!

Answering a bunch of asks under the cut! Most of them are ink and flowers centric. I hope you all are doing well <3

anonymous asked: wait wait hold up Anathema works in Azra's tattoo parlour?? amazing, when i was thinking of making my own florist/tattoo artist au, i also had Anathema be Aziraphale's apprentice :D i like when these two are friends. do you have any more headcanons about Anathema in ink and flowers?

she does!! she was doing an apprenticeship under him but has since graduated to doing her own thing (but she still works at his parlor). i can’t get into the whole plot because spoilers but angels/demons and agnes nutter’s prophecies still exist in the iaf universe, but anathema isn’t her descendant. instead, anathema is a wickedly smart computer genius and her boyfriend newt is an endearing but kind of inept descendent of agnes. anathema was azra’s good friend-turned-wingwoman once anthony shows up. i love her

anonymous asked: concept: aziraphale seeing crowley presenting femininely for the first time how'd you think he'd react? in your flower shop tattoo artist au

anonymous asked: OKAY totally not asking bc i may or may not have been thinkin abt this for like. too long. but would anthony have to like, come out as genderfluid to azra/how would azra react to seeing anthony present more fem for the first time

ooo ive been thinking about this as well! i dont think anthony would necessarily have a “coming out moment”, they just kind of do what they want. if they feel like presenting fem or using different pronouns they would just. do it. and azra would just kind of roll with it. i like to think that the first time anthony presented fem she got all dressed up for date night and didn’t tell azra and azra just Stares bc,,,, wow anthony is just gorgeous like that!! azra’s dead!!!

anonymous asked: You're a cutie pie. That's it. That's the fact.

:’ ) you’re a sweety pie!!!

anonymous asked: i deadass tried for 20 minutes to make the finger heart...... how did your friend do it......

i have absolutely no idea and it hurts my brain,,,

anonymous asked: Wahoo

wahoo.....

@alligatorsnbats asked: OK, so what's Oscar's thoughts on Anthony?

oscar LOVES anthony... he’s the worlds most apathetic cat but he actively seeks anthony out when hes around. azra is only slightly salty about it

anonymous asked: Is Anthony cross eyed?

he’s not! i made him a little bit cross-eyed in my latest post on purpose bc he was flustered but i dont know if it came across very well ;;

anonymous asked: not to be *THAT* bitch who comes into your ask box and gushes over your art but i love the way you colour things and your clean line work?? mwah. i wish i could draw like you its just so lovely

bfdkjfdh im cry,,,, just keep practicing my friend!!! i promise it’ll get you where you want to go. the last couple of months have been really nice for me in my ~art journey~ because its the first time i’ve ever really liked stuff that i’ve drawn. ive been drawing for about 7-8 years and this is only just happening and it varies so much from person to person!! some people get to where they want to go in 2 years, some people take 20. just don’t stop practicing!!

anonymous asked: your human!crowley deserves infinite appreciation and the fact that he has coloboma: that right there! is! good shit! he has snake eyes,,,, but as a human. u are a genius good sir and your art is a blessing 👌👌👌

haha thank you!! i think coloboma (i know how to spell it now!!) is such an interesting condition and it’s kind of underused for human aus!!! its so dope!!!

@bolitakawaii-senpai asked: what would crowley's and azi's fav emojies from the cursed emojis??

asking the real questions out here..... i think crowley’s would be the one with all of the teeth and aziraphale’s (assuming he knows what they are in the first place) would be the really cute one with big eyes and the pink hairbow

anonymous asked: concept for the ink and flowers au: something happens to crowley (imma b honest i have no idea) and has a lowkey crisis and chops all his hair off and just. joins his pet snake and snakes around the nursery untill azra comes in seeing crowley crying and cuddling his snake and yeah idk enjoy my the weird shit my brain comes up with

jhuyhaijodfaydgsihfujoi RIP TO THE HAIR...... i love the angst potential (and i can come up with a few reasons for the angst, but i digress) but i dont think i could part with anthony’s hair,,, i love it too much

anonymous asked: I can't handle your ink and flowers Aziraphale. I can't. His hair is TOO fluffy. His face is TOO squishy. He is EXTREMELY friend shaped. His glasses and his eyes are bright like SPARKLES. Every time I see him I want to go feral and show all my friends. I would hug him without letting go of given the chance. 1000000000/10. 💜🐝

anonymous asked: I have a cat just like Oscar (big himbo) and I got him some knit hats for Christmas and he's gonna hate me but I can't wait to dress him up like a little bee so: does Azra ever give Oscar like costumes or footies just for fun? If yes, does Oscar love or hate? 💜🐝

isldakfj im grouping these two together bc im assuming ur the same person anon!! i love your signature!!

you’re correct. his hair IS too fluffy, and he IS entirely too friend shaped. he has the BRIGHTEST eyes. i cant contain my rabid love for him and it spills out into the art. i can’t help it. he gives the best hugs

SLADKFJ YES HE DOES..... IVE BEEN MEANING TO DRAW THIS FOR A HOT MINUTE,,,, as i mentioned earlier oscar is the world’s most apathetic cat so i dont think he would care that much but he’s not super happy about it

anonymous asked: Y'know what? I'm too tired so say smth clever so just know that I love you and your art is amazing 💕💕 PS: i love that you also tag them as Ineffable partners (i guess the point is to be gender neutral)

i love you as well anon,,, and yeah i like the ineffable partners tag! i find that it fits more with their relationship for some reason. though i still tag as ineffable husbands since its such a popular tag lksdfjdfknjbh

anonymous asked: Hello! Fist of all thank you for yor art, you are one of my favorite artists in this fandom and I have Feelings about the Ink and Flowers AU. Second: Don't feel pressured to post daily, we understand that life is complicated and art can be difficult sometimes. Take care! You're the best!

anon i would die for you!!! i never imagined that i would ever be one of anyone’s favorite artists,,,,, im speechless,,,,,,,,

and yeah unfortunately i dont think ill be able to post every other day once this coming semester starts :( i’ll probably have to cut back to once every 3. but there’s more ink and flowers coming at u guys so!! stay tuned for that

anonymous asked: Good omens characters having a game night?

i know this was sent in for the au prompts i asked for but. i dont think im physically capable of capturing the pure chaos that would ensue from this. holy shit it would be so feral.

thank you to anyone who read this whole thing!! i read all of my asks as soon as i get them and i have a lot that i’ve been sitting on for a while. if you sent me something i promise i haven’t forgotten about it!! if you’ve sent something in that you were expecting a response to and i havent responded, just send it again to be safe in case tumblr ate it

i love all of you! <3

#ask me anything #anonymous #not art #ink and flowers au #bolitakawaii-senpai #alligatorsnbats

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not-close-to-straight · 5 years

Text

Every Version of You (Spideypool)

Uh yes. Tissues? Also, blame @paranormalmoonlight5 and THIS post for this whole thing. I didn’t have to write it angsty but I 100% did and I regret nothing.

Seriously tissues. TW Character (Wade) Death but since its a multiverse sort of thing, the ending is still okay

THERE’S MORE SPIDEYPOOL ON MY MASTERLIST!

*******************

The apartment building wasn’t as nice as the one Peter and Wade shared in their universe, and Peter looked around the lobby curiously.

It was the same building– same address, same double door entrance, the lady at the front desk was still blonde and sort of shockingly busty- but it just wasn’t as nice. The rich brown tone looked about fifteen years past needing a repaint and the tiles on the floor were cracked and dingy. More than a few lights were out, several of the mailboxes bent and busted open and the elevator made a truly terrifying screech as it came to rest at the bottom floor.

Peter got in the elevator car anyway, because it wasn’t every day he ended up blipped into a side universe and he wasn’t about to waste the opportunity to explore. Mr. Stark would be furious when he found out Peter had tested the travel chamber on himself, but Peter had very carefully set the timer for no more than three hours before he faded back to his own timeline, and he was only walking the familiar parts of this version of New York, so realistically, he was being as safe about this whole thing as he could be, right?

Right.

Plus, he was curious about this version of himself, curious about this version of Spider-man and curious about whether this him had met and fallen in love with one loud mouth, spandex clad, disaster of a mercenary as well and the only way to satisfy all that curiosity was to go and find out.

So here he was in an alternate timeline, parallel universe, multi-something or other where apparently, the elevator button for the fifteenth floor had been so badly abused the entire thing fell right off and bounced on the dirty carpet when Peter pushed at it.

Alright, so this universe had seen better days. Noted and noted.

The hall of the fifteenth floor was dim, the numbers hanging haphazardly from various doors and the floor stained with something Peter wasn’t even going to begin to think about. He couldn’t help but wonder who owned the building and why it was in such bad repair, did this universe have different stands for apartment buildings? His own place wasn’t exactly the Ritz, but at least all the lights worked and there wasn’t --ick-- rats in the hallway.

When Peter got to the apartment that was theirs in his own universe, his key slid right into the lock, but then caught and stuck as if it hadn’t been used for some time. That most likely meant this Peter and Wade didn’t feel the need to obsessively lock their doors like he did, which was...odd... considering how gross the building was.

Peter hadn’t actually planned this far ahead in his little jaunt through alternate timelines, he hadn’t thought about what he would do if he opened the door and Wade was in the apartment or he himself was in the apartment– what a weird conversation that would be.

Although, if they had figured out the whole multiverse thing on his end, surely other Peter Parker’s had figured it out too, so maybe he wouldn't be as surprised to see himself standing there as he thought he would be?

The convoluted thought made Peter smile, so he opened the door and peeked his head around into the apartment, more than ready for a look at another version of his own life.

Oh.

The apartment was much dirtier than the one he’d left in his own world, much dirtier and much darker and much more depressing. It almost looked like what Wade’s apartment had been before Peter had moved in, but this apartment didn’t feel like a bachelor pad like Wade’s had.

It felt... it felt abandoned, felt like no one had lived or loved here in a long time and that made Peter uncomfortable.

The windows were closed and shades drawn, the same couch in the same place in front of the same TV but covered with a layer of dust that said it hadn’t been used in a long time. There was a carbon copy of Peter’s favorite pillow tucked into what had always been is side of the couch, but the stitches were popped and torn, the fabric ripped.

The kitchen was a mess--which wasn’t all the surprising-- but the fridge was empty of everything except a few bottles of water, nothing but a handful of microwave meals far past their sell by date sitting in the freezer.

I don’t live here. Peter thought with some degree of sadness as he looked at the bare spots on the wall where he and Wade hung pictures and random paraphernalia from their date nights. There were no notes to each other taped to the fridge or the closet door, no piles of shoes and no random assortment of clothing that were proof of cohabitation. I don’t live here.

Towels were piled on the bathroom floor because no Wade ever believed in hanging them up to dry, but there was a chair in the shower, one of the medical ones that lifted people in and out of the bath and Peter ran his hand over it uncertainly.

Why was that here? Who needed that?

Peter paused outside the bedroom for a moment because as curious as he was about this Peter and Wade’s life, it still felt a little like invading privacy even if it was sort of his own privacy.

But...maybe it wasn’t his privacy anymore, because despite is key fitting in the lock and his pillow out on the couch, it was painfully obvious that Peter Parker did not live here in this universe.

Or at least he didn’t live here anymore.

Oh well. Came this far, can’t turn back now.

Peter turned the knob and pushed the bedroom door open, bracing himself for whatever would be on the other side--

–and stopped in his tracks, mouth falling open. “W-Wade?”

The man lying in the bed was much much smaller than Peter’s Wade, just a shadow of his usual self, really. Nothing more than skin and bones barely making a dent on the mattress, IV’s and leads hooked to different machines, an oxygen pump and heart monitor, a brain activity scanner and one that was definitely a morphine drip.

“Wade.” he repeated. “Is that-- is that you?”

The eyes that opened to peer at him were dark and nearly lifeless, cloudy with pain not quite dulled by the morphine. “You’re not my Peter.” The Wade on the bed rasped, his breath rattling through his lungs. “Which Peter are you?”

“Which Peter am I?” he repeated dumbly. “I--what--um--”

“Multiverse, right?” Wade coughed and it was awful. “Always knew you would figure it out one day. What happened, did you and my Peter switch places?”

“No we-- I mean yes, multiverse but I’m just here visiting and--” Peter didn’t even know what say, gesturing around to the various machines. “You’re sick. You’re sick and I-- what happened? Are you okay? What happened to you?”

“Oh.” Wade smiled and it wasn’t anything like it should have been, weak and shaky and not near bright enough. “Let me guess– I’m not dying of cancer in your universe, am I?”

“Cancer.” Peter felt the word like a blow to his chest, a punch to his stomach and when his knees gave out he stumbled into the chair closest to the door. “You have cancer? How do you have-- that’s not right. You’re supposed to have a mutation, one that fights the cancer.”

“Not in this life time.” Wade coughed again and tried to smile. “Sorry to disappoint. No mutations here, just a mcfuck amount of tumors. Worst part is, none are on my dick so I’m still woefully under endowed.”

“Woefully under endowed.” Peter choked out a laugh. “Oh god, you’re sick with cancer and still making dick jokes?”

“Oh good, I do that in your universe too?”

“I think every Wade in every universe makes dick jokes.” Peter gathered himself enough to take a closer look at Wade, at the machines and the data and then he took a closer look around the room and back out into the hall. “Where-- where am I? Why haven’t I been home to clean this place up? Where’s your version of me?”

“My version of you?” Wade shook his head weakly. “We uh-- we broke up over a year ago. Right after I got diagnosed.”

“...no?” Peter frowned at him. “No, there’s no way I would have left you after a diagnosis. I would have dragged you to Stark Industries and made Tony find a cure or something, I would have used the money from May to pay for treatments or I would have--”

“Pete.” Wade waved off is protests with a twitch of his hand. “You don’t know about it. I broke up with you, kicked you out of the apartment.”

“You broke up with--”

“Didn’t want you to see me like this.” Wade gestured to all the machines and then with just a hint of his usual snark added, “Figures the fuckin’ multiverse would screw my plans up and you gotta see me like this anyway. Sorry about that.”

“You sent me away?” Peter whispered. “So I wouldn’t see you hurting? But who’s been taking care of you?” One shoulder lifted and fell in a semblance of a shrug. “You’ve got-- who’s here with you now? Are you here alone?”

“Nurse’ll come in the morning to check on me.” Wade’s fingers were trembling as he reached for a cup of water and Peter jumped from his seat to grab it for him, guiding it to the chapped lips and holding it steady while Wade drank. “Thanks. Wasn’t that difficult a few days ago.”

His head fell back against the pillow. “Told her to go home and get some rest. Pretty sure she knows I won’t make it till morning, so she’ll be back in a few hours.”

Peter stayed there standing at Wade’s bedside, unable to look away from the nearly translucent skin, the way the veins were too pronounced. “You-- you and I-- how did I take you breaking up with me?”

“It worked out for you.” Wade tried for another one of those half smiles. “Great photographer. Avengers like you real well without me hanging around. You and Gwen are gorgeous together. It’s alright.”

“It worked out for me but you’re here alone?”

“It’s alright, Pete.” Wade insisted tiredly, his eyes falling shut for a moment. “It’s-- it’s alright. This version of you deserved better than me. Pretty sure every version of you deserves better than me. M’fine. M’just--just fine. This is fine. Better this way.”

Peter’s watch chimed and he glanced down to see an hour had gone by already.

“Gotta set a time limit to universe jump?” Wade asked, lifting a finger to point at the time piece. “My Pete had that idea too, said it would be too easy to get lost in the other places and never make it home.”

“Yeah-- yeah it’s my timer.” Peter stared down at the countdown and then over at the man fading away before his very eyes. “But I have time if you want me to stay. Do you want me to stay with you for a little bit? I’d-- I’d-- just--” he dragged the chair over from the door and pushed it right up against the bed, moving IV lines carefully until he was as close to Wade as he could get. “Is this okay? Can I stay here with you?”

A beat of silence, and then Wade turned his hand until his palm was resting up, curling his fingers hopefully. “Please stay, Pete. Please? I know you’re not my Pete but I still miss you-- I miss him-- I miss us and it’s selfish but wish I never sent you away--wish I’d--”

“I’ll stay. I’ll stay.” Peter picked up the thin hand and cradled it in both of his, muffling a curse when he felt how cold Wade was. “What can I do? Are you cold?”

“Always but Pete--”

“Hang on, do you still keep blankets in the hall closet?” Peter was up and out in the hall in a flash, grabbing two extra blankets and running back to spread them over Wade’s frame, tucking it in around the corners. “Better? Is that better?”

“Better, but Pete I--”

“Have you eaten? Do you need to eat? A drink? What can I--”

“Baby boy.” Wade said, and the nickname made Peter freeze, made tears come to his eyes as Wade pressed gently at his hand. “Petey pie, just sit with me. Talk to me. Tell me about--about you. And us-- are we an us in your world? Are we-- do you love me still? I’ve missed you so much and I-- just talk to me.”

“We’ve been an us in my world for two years.” Peter fluffed an extra pillow behind Wade’s head then sat back down to hold his hand, smoothing over Wade’s knuckles and around his wrist. “And I love-- shit, I love you so much. You have no idea.”

Wade smiled a little. “You probably only love me bout half as much as I love you, Pete.”

“You could never.” Peter shook his head. “I’m head over heels for you, have been for forever.”

“How did we--” Wade rubbed his thumb over Peter’s palm. “How did we start dating?”

“You uh-- we did patrol every night for like six months before you finally asked me out.” Peter told him. “We were only supposed to go every other night, but I kept calling you on our off days and pretending we should do patrol. It was just an excuse to see you and I’m pretty sure you knew that from day one.”

“You’re terrible at lying.” Wade agreed and when Peter grinned, Wade sighed and whispered, “Fuck me, I’ve missed your smile.”

“Well, you see it lots because make me laugh every single day.” Peter told him. “Terrible terrible jokes. Just the worst. Last week you told me some awful dad joke about koala bears--”

“-having all the koala-fi-cations to be a real bear?”

“--and I laughed until I threw up my sandwich.” Peter finished and Wade’s shoulders shook through a laugh. “It was the worst joke I ever heard, but you delivered it with such a straight face, I just couldn’t take it.”

“Tell me about our first date? Was it ice cream? Coffee ice cream?”

“Oh no, do you eat cappuccino ice cream in this universe too?” Peter gasped in mock horror when Wade managed a nod. “God, all night you fussed at me for eating vanilla but then you kissed me and tasted like coffee and it was the worst.”

“But you kissed me again, right?”

“We ended up in bed that night.” Peter admitted and when Wade raised a (non-existent) eyebrow, he amended “Alright, we ended up doing it against the wall in an alley because we were both mega horny. You kept making jokes about all the benefits of me having sticky fingers and being extra bendy and I kept telling you--”

“--to shaddup and fuck you before you changed your mind?” A near lecherous wink from Wade. “I didn’t shut up and you didn’t change your mind, did you?”

“We moved in after six weeks together.” Peter grinned again when Wade’s eyes lit up in surprise. “I never wanted to leave you after the first night, so you told me I should just take over a drawer if I was going to keep staying over, and I said if you were a real man, you’d invite me to live with you and you said ‘square up mother fucker’ and I moved in the next day.”

“I sound obnoxious.”

“God, you’re perfect.” Peter took a chance and dropped a gentle kiss on Wade’s hand, gratified when Wade murmured, “Pete.” and squeezed at his fingers as tight as he could manage. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re obnoxious and crude and honestly the worst but you’re perfect and I love you so much.”

“Your pillow on the couch--” Wade tried to motion for the living room. “You left it here after we fought but do you have one in your world?”

“I’ve got one.” Peter confirmed and Wade’s smile was a little stronger this time. “Actually, I have two since I already had one at my place. You went and bought me one for your place when I started sleeping over all the time, and now that we live together, there’s two pillows. We keep one in bed and one on my side of the couch.”

“Left side of the couch?”

“Always.”

“Tell me--” Wade wheezed through a cough and Peter got him another drink. “Tell me um--”

“I’m just going to tell you everything.” Peter readjusted the blankets further up on Wade’s chest, then leaned up and placed a kiss on his forehead, lingering when Wade’s hand came to rest at his side for a moment. “I’m just going to tell you everything, alright? Wait until you hear about the night we crashed J. Jonah Jameson’s charity ball in our costumes. Oh and oh my god, Tony Stark actually invites you to dinners all the time but one time you kissed me in front of Sam Wilson and he didn’t shut up about it for a week and a half and...”

*******************

When Peter’s watch chimed at another hour, two hours down and one hour to go, he was mid story about the time he and Wade had tried to paint the bathroom in the apartment and now there was paint all over the toilet and on most of their towels and Wade was laughing-- or trying to laugh at least-- over Peter’s description of how terrible a decision neon green had been for their shower tiles.

“So then you turned to me and said--” Peter stopped when Wade shifted on the bed and grimaced. “What can I do? Is it your back? Are you hurting?”

“Always.” Wade shifted again, pain flitting across his face. “Don’t worry about it though. Tell me-- did we ever adopt a dog? Or a pet? You used to ask me for--”

“A pet is on our to-do list once we get a bigger place.” Peter swallowed past the lump in his throat to ask, “Do you want me to turn up your morphine?”

It wasn’t a good sign when the morphine wasn’t working, when it had to be turned up more and more. Peter knew enough to know morphine was the pain medication for those beyond help, for when a doctor used the term ‘make them comfortable’ and it hurt him in a very real part of his soul to think Wade was at that stage.

“Do you want me to turn it up?” he whispered again and Wade shook his head, whispering back,. “It makes me sleepy and I don’t want to sleep while you’re here, Pete. I don’t want to miss this. Been forever since I’ve seen you, I don’t wanna miss anything.”

“You won’t miss anything.” Peter assured him. “I don’t want you to hurt baby, I’ll just--” Wade’s eyes misted over the endearment and Peter said it again, “Baby, I’ll just climb in bed with you so if you fall asleep, I can fall asleep too alright? No big deal.”

“Yeah? I won’t miss anything?”

“No no, I’ll be right here, I promise.” Peter upped the dial on the morphine, watched Wade’s eyes glass over a little more and then very carefully climbed onto the bed next to him, moving the cords so he could tuck in next to Wade and put an arm around his waist. “How’s that? Am I okay here?”

“Miss you.” Wade’s words slurred through the morphine. “Peter Pumpkin, miss you. Shouldn’t have sent you away. Jus’ didn’t want to make you sad. Now’m selfish, wanting you back.”

“It’s alright.” Peter linked their fingers together and hugged Wade as gently as he could. “It’s alright, don’t worry about that now. I’m here, right? I’m here. You’re not selfish, Wade. You’re not--just don’t worry about it. If you need to rest--” Peter bit his tongue so he wouldn’t cry. “--just rest. Close your eyes. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“...not asleep yet...keep talking to me?”

“Okay.” Peter took in a deep breath and started again. “So this one time you took me to Canada and I got to find out how incredibly redneck you are when you’re out in your natural habitat? Funniest thing I’ve even seen. You wore overalls for a week straight and kept trying to convince me to go for a roll in the hay? And when I finally agreed, you really just rolled me through some hay and laughed until you cried. I wasn’t amused at all. I was ready for some farm time sex and you were playing a practical joke.”

“Oh and for our two year anniversary, I took you up to the top of the Statue of Liberty and we had a picnic while staring out at the ocean. We bought all sorts of silly souvenirs and you kissed me at midnight and we flipped a coin to see who would top but the coin fell off the statue and into the water so I topped first and then you did and the next morning we were both so. sore.”

Wade chuckled a little at that, and Peter kept talking, story after story. Dinner dates and movie marathons and the time he was sick when Wade had panicked and brought him six types of chicken soup. The one unfortunate paintball episode that wasn’t ever talked about anymore and the way they are sort of friends with Matt Murdock but how Jessica Jones scares the shit out of both of them. How they made a point to cook dinner together at least once a week and it was always literally a disaster and always so much fun.

He told Wade about the litany of stupid nicknames, from lemonwhiskers to snickerdoodle and how the frequency and ridiculousness varied depending on how upset Peter was, and he told him about the cheesy cards they bought each other for every possible occasion, and how they really really did the rose petals on the floor things for romance time, even though it was fake rose petals because there had been a one time thorn incident.

Then Peter’s watch chimed half an hour warning.

“You gotta go.” Wade was barely audible know, breath shallow and eyes closed because he didn’t have the energy to keep them open. “Pete. You gotta go. Don’t be late.”

“I told you I’d stay until you fell asleep.” Peter whispered. “So just listen. The first time you told me you loved me was a Tuesday. We were eating like, a million egg rolls and I was mid bite and probably looked terrible and you looked over at me and told me ‘Sure seems like I’m in love with you’ which wasn’t romantic at all, but was still perfect. I told you a few weeks later. We fell asleep together watching Golden Girls and you wrapped me up in like a dozen blankets because I shivered at some point and you were convinced I had hypothermia. I told you we couldn’t have sex if I was burrito wrapped and you told me--”

Peter smiled through his tears, reaching out to wipe one from Wade’s cheek as well. “You told me you’d trade all the sex in the world for being able to watch me sleep, knowing I trusted you enough to fall asleep in your arms and I told you I loved you right then and there, told you that you were the only person I ever wanted to fall asleep next to ever again.”

“You always take such good care of me, babe, no matter what. Any time I need anything, you’re there for me and I never have to worry about anything. You’ve brought me lunch when I forget to eat and one time drove clear across town to my work to bring me a tie so I wouldn’t get in trouble and sometimes-- sometimes--”

Peter drew a heart on Wade’s hand with his fingers and smiled when Wade managed a squeeze in return. “Sometimes I don’t think I deserve you, Wade. Dunno what I did in another life to get you in this one but I love you. I love you so much and you are my entire world.”

“...entire world...”

“Yeah.” Peter hid more tears in Wade’s blanket. “Yeah, babe. You are my entire world. Have I told you about how you convince me to do things? You always start with this whole phrase of ‘I’ve put alot of thought into this’ and I always say yes to whatever you ask because why the hell would I ever say no?”

Fifteen minutes.

“You loved me enough to not want me to cry over you.” Peter brushed careful fingers over Wade’s cheek, along the line of his jaw, down to the barely there pulse at his neck. “But I’m glad I’m here now, glad you’re not alone right now Wade, I-- I--”

“...we married?...”

“No, not yet.” Peter shook his head and pressed a long kiss to Wade’s cheek. “But I bought a ring last week and I’ve been hiding it in my sock drawer because this Friday I got tickets to your favorite Broadway show and I’m going to propose there.”

“...I’ll say yes. Promise. No version--of me-- will ever say no.”

Ten minutes.

“...Pete?”

“I’m here, I’m not leaving you. I’m here, babe, I’m right here.”

Five minutes.

Peter put his head down and sobbed into Wade’s chest as the steady heartbeat started to slow.

“Christ, Wade. I love you, do you know that? Every version of me loves every version of you. It doesn’t matter what universe this is, I will always always love you.

“...love you, Pete.”

One minute.

The blankets were pulled up to Wade’s chest and his eyes peacefully closed, and the last thing Peter did was open Wade’s phone and send a text to his Peter to let him know Wade had passed peacefully, that the hospital had been notified and an ambulance was on its way.

Then Peter bent and kissed Wade’s forehead, and shut the door behind him on the way out.

*********************

The machine opened with a hiss and a whir and Peter stepped out into his own universe, face to face with a thoroughly pissed off Tony Stark.

“What in the actual fuck do you think you were doing?” Tony shouted. “You could have been stuck in some stupid alternate universe-- could have died-- could have fucking gotten lost and I’d have to go in after your ass and then you really would have been in--”

“Can you yell at me tomorrow?” Peter whispered, tears streaming down his face. “Please, Mr. Stark? I’m sorry but I have to get home. Right now.”

He bolted from the lab and nearly ran into Captain Rogers, who joined Tony in the lab with a perplexed look on his face.

“What’s up with Pete? He looked like he was crying? Was he in here?”

“Yeah, he used the--” Tony motioned towards the machine, still staring out the door after Peter. “Babe, do you remember when I accidentally activated this thing and ended up in a multi verse where you and I didn’t love each other? You’d stayed in the past with Peggy and I never became Iron Man?”

“Vividly.” Steve wrapped his arms around his husbands waist and dragged him in for a kiss. “It took

me weeks to convince you that we were real and I loved you and that this universe was the one you belonged in.” his face cleared after a moment. “You think Peter--”

“Yeah. Yeah I do.”

******************

Peter didn’t stop running until he got to their apartment building, waving at the blonde and shockingly busty receptionist, jamming the button for the fifteenth floor in the elevator, bolting down the hallway and just breaking down the door to their apartment instead of wasting time looking for the key.

“Babe?” he yelled, searching the apartment for Wade. “Babe? Where are you? Wade!”

“Heya sweet cheeks.” Wade was fresh from the shower and still wiping down with a towel. “How was work? Did you--ooph!”

He caught a hundred and seventy five pounds of Spidey in his arms unexpectedly, backpedaling into the wall to keep his balance as Peter tackled him into a long kiss.

“Baby boy what’s wrong?” Wade wiped away the tears as quickly as he could, checking Peter for injuries, trying to figure out why he was nearly hysterical. “Pumpkin? What’s going on?”

“Don’t ever send me away.” Peter whispered fiercely, knotting his fingers in Wade’s shirt and yanking him down into another bruising kiss. “No matter what. Do not ever send me away. I don’t care what happens or what you’re going through. Please. Please don’t leave me alone, don’t send me away. Not ever. I want you to love me forever. Forever, Wade. Promise me.”

“Hey hey hey.” Wade scooped Peter into his arms and headed for the couch, falling back onto the arm rest and cuddling him close. “Listen, I dunno what this is all about but I can promise-- hey, look at me Pete-- I can promise, I’ll never send you away from me. I promise. I never you want you to be anywhere than right here with me. And I will love you forever. Don’t even worry about that.”

“Are you sure?” Peter hiccuped through a sob. “Because I--I--”

“Snickerdoodle.” Wade cupped his jaw and kissed him sweetly. “Listen. I know you’ve been working on this multi verse thing, and I don’t know shit about shit about that thing, but I can promise you that you could search every single one of those places and never find a version of me that doesn’t want you. Every single version of me is going to love you forever. I promise.”

“Okay.” Peter pressed tighter to Wade’s chest. “Because I’m gonna love you forever too. Every version of me. I’m never leaving you. We’re getting married. Like, tomorrow. I have a ring and--”

“Wait, you have a ring?”

“Yeah, I bought a ring and I was waiting until Friday to propose but I don’t want to wait, I don’t want to--”

“I bought a ring too.” Wade felt around for Peter’s favorite pillow and flipped it over, digging around in a small tear Peter had never noticed before, retrieving a ring box. “Was gonna propose on Sunday when we went for our walk.”

“...Sunday?”

“But now’s good.” Wade opened the box and showed Peter the ring inside. “Wanna be mine, baby boy?”

“Oh.” Tears again, and Wade snuggled Peter up even tighter. “Wade, I’m already yours. Every version of me is already yours. You know that right?”

“I know, Pete.” Wade slid the ring onto Peter’s fingers and then grabbed at blankets to cover them up. “Please don’t cry lemonwhiskers, I’m not going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere. I’ve got you. We aren’t supposed to cry at marriage proposals, that can’t be a healthy start to this whole thing. It’s bad enough neither one of us can wear white dresses because we’re so far past virgins there’s probably a new word for it but--”

“You’re the absolute worst.” Peter sniffed, knowing damn well he was leaving bruises at Wade’s side from holding him so tight, and unable to find it in himself to care. “The literal worst, do you know that? I love you so much.”

“Aw sugar buns.” Wade dropped a kiss into all that thick hair and sighed. “I love you too.”

And later that night as he tucked Peter into bed and admired the shine of his own ring, Wade thought back over how upset Peter had been and wondered aloud, “What happened, baby boy? Did you find the only universe out there where you and I aren’t soulmates?”

Peter didn’t answer, snoring away peacefully on his favorite pillow and Wade chuckled, bending to kiss his cheek.

“Nah, that would never happen would it? Every version of me will always always be destined to love every version of you.”

******************

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