#life after abuse

[furiousgoldfish]

When you have a history of abuse, you often somehow find yourself in a Situation, and the Situation is bad. It’s the stuff of nightmares, whether it’s being exploited, or taken advantage of, or bullied, or tricked/groomed into befriending/dating a predator, or being pressured into something you feel uncomfortable with, you will get yourself, or life will get you, in those Situations.

And we, we’re familiar with the Situations. We have lived thru the Situations. And now that we’re in the Situation again, we have things we want to try, ways to make it Work This Time. Because the last time, the Situation made us feel helpless, cornered, small, weak, ashamed, useless, incapable, stupid, wrong, not enough. And now, this time, we’re going to be good enough and endure whatever needs enduring in order to make it work; we’re going to change the situation into a good one! We figure this situation just needs more kindness, understanding, compliance, love and affection, and we have that! We’re going to force it to be good!

The stakes are extremely high for us. We don’t want to disappoint anyone again, we don’t want to be seen as a failure again, we don’t want to be seen as weak and damaged and give up, no! We have something to prove in this Situation and we will try and try again until we find a solution or run ourselves ragged trying to please everyone but ourselves thru this Situation.

Which then, allows the Situation to continue, and the Situation is so goddamn triggering that we’re enduring 300% the usual amount of stress. We’re not sleeping right, we’re not eating right, we’re having cold sweats, shaking, panicking, all that mess. But, we tell ourselves ‘This is because I’m weak. This is because I’m failing to be impervious to the abuse. This is because I’m in the wrong again, if only I did things different, if only I was more enduring. I’m feeling this just due to trauma, if only I could be normal I could do this’. And we do it until the situation is swarming us with red flags and triggers to the point where we’re endangered enough to have to leave. And again, we’ll doubt ourselves and need explicit proof that the Situation was, in fact, bad. That we were not wrong to leave it, that we weren’t weak and running away.

And the thing is, people who were not abused, will experience 1% of the Situation and go, B Y E because that is not a Situation a human person wants to be in for more than 1 second, the first time they’re uncomfortable they’re not looking for ways to get over that discomfort, they’re out there getting mad! Demanding what is this shit, excuse you, and why the fuck are they not getting what they want out of the Situation? They’ll question the Situation, get mad at it, and drop it like a hot potato. There’s nothing to prove, there’s no doubt in their self worth, the Situations are everywhere, and nobody needs to endure them or fight them, the Situations need to be told off!

This doesn’t necessarily apply to every case - sometimes, if the manipulation tactic is good and very long-winded, the non abused will fall for it for a while, and then stay out of embarrassment and unwillingness to admit that they were wrong, and some abused people have sharpened their senses for the Situation so they yeet themselves out before they even meet it.

But, we do tend to see the Situations more often as ‘proving ourselves, and fixing what we think we’ve done wrong in the past’ kind of deal. We feel familiar and safe in the Situation, because it’s what we know, what we think we deserve, and the environment we know how to function in, because it’s so similar to abuse, so alike all those things we consider normal. For us, it doesn’t look like a Situation, it just looks like another thing like the rest of them, something you have to grab because what if the opportunity slips away and you’ll be sorry. That’s how they present themselves too.

So next time you find doubting your own feelings in a Situation, please be reminded that a non-self-doubting person would not even try to endure a 1% of what you’re enduring. They would reject this stress right away and tell it to fuck off. You’re already enduring more than can reasonably be expected out of someone, you’re not supposed to endure more. If the Situation is bringing you pain, that’s because it’s a fucked up situation, it’s designed to cause harm to you, and how dare it! Get mad at it and tell it to fuck off! You’re made to do more in life than to suffer thru a stupid damn Situation!

#abuse symptoms #the aftermath of abuse #trauma #cptsd #life after abuse #psychological abuse #emotional abuse #stress

[toxicparentrants]

Navigating a relationship with your abusive parent after becoming an adult is hard. I was no contact, then low contact, now we are a little bit more in contact. It’s really hard to transition through different levels of contact. I wanna tell myself it’s okay no matter what, but she can’t even admit she did anything wrong much less abusive. She says I remember things differently or that they didn’t happen at all. I have to either make hard boundaries/cut her off/low contact relationships or be okay with the fact that she will never apologize or even admit anything was wrong. It’s really hard to navigate and figure it out. To anyone who’s navigating a relationship with their abusive parent as an adult, I see you. I feel alone like I’m the only one living this experience, but I know I can’t be alone.

#toxic parents #child abuse #mental health #emotional abuse #mental abuse #trauma #mental illness #abuse survivor #actuallyabused #domestic abuse #abusive mom #abusive parent #life after abuse

[laikacore]

my love for you is tired, i'm tired

i don't love you less, but i want to love you more

i'm trapped behind a screen

i put my fingers through the fence

am i just understimulated

or do i resent this?

i know it isn't you

if i'm even feeling trapped

i can climb the fence but i can't jump down

without feeling my feet between the tracks

are there any similarities

or do you just want to pull teeth?

i'm sorry, i'm going inside

untitled by laika wallace

#trauma poetry #grief #women poets #life after abuse

[complaints-from-poland]

sure, it's not exactly ideal that my relatives are assholes that i will probably never come out to, but it really - really - is their loss. being a part of my life and knowing the real me is a privilege. they worked hard to not deserve it.

and i'm starting to realise they are not that important to me. i really miss parental figures in my life, but my biological parents don't nor ever will deserve to be them. i don't want to come out to them, to talk to them about me and my life and things and people i love because they don't matter. i can find better people to be my family, ones that will respect and love me. in fact i already have.

#protect trans kids #queerphobia #transphobes #transphobia #survivor #child abuse survivor #learning to love myself #love letters to myself #protect kids #child abuse #boundaries #no contact #going no contact #life after abuse #freedom #found family #nonbinary #queer #gay #bisexual #mental health #emotional wellbeing #self love #self care

[gratitudesblog]

Late night musings ... Reflection seems to be the name of the game these days. Maybe because it's the change of the Astrological Year could be a factor. It also could be the change in Seasons. IT'S SPRING. I officially hate Winter. I'm saying it out loud. I see the pictures of all of you skiing and I am very happy for you really I am. I hope you won't take this wrong but when you are poor and can't walk, skiing is not high on the list of things you want or need to do.

I'm ranting. I've lived a life in the shadows for most of my life. Never allowing my truest self to be seen. I was always on guard. It had become a necessity in my old life. Not anymore.

I escaped the crazy island. Left all the other inhabitants there. It's unbelievable to me most days. I'm living a life I never imagined was possible for someone like me. I answer, to myself. I can come and go as I please for the first time ever. I am so grateful.

My life is pure bliss. When you have clawed your way back from the depths of darkness into the light. I have a true understanding for the expression

It is always darkest before the Dawn.

Having gone through the dark night of the soul and made it through to the other side. I have to agree. This journey I have undertaken is not for the weak, or the egotistical. You must be willing to examine everything about yourself good and bad. Acceptance is key.

#diary #journal #positivity #self acceptation #spiritualgrowth #gratitude #mental heath support #surviving narcissism #writing #motivation #life after abuse #thriving #moving on #for myself

[struggling-to-find-home]

I don't know whether I've mentioned this, but currently I'm in a half here - half there situation regarding abusive family because (yaaaaaay!) I moved out for uni but (nooooooo!) Still have to see them every two weeks and they're still complete motherfucking assholes. But, matter of fact is: I still spend 80% of my time away from them now, which means suddenly, after literally having an entire life spent under a concrete block of dysfunction, my brain is experiencing life where I am mostly safe.

Which means the last few weeks have been... Interesting.

At first, it came as sudden panic attacks from literally nothing, and I was just sitting in the flat, confused as to what the fuck was happening and why was my body having a reaction that's usually caused by an abusive episode.

After a week, that settled.

Then, passive trauma processing began - which I could decipher from the mood spikes and the absurd amount of emotion that was not supposed to be there, in general. Which was fine, I was used to balancing processing with a healthy life, so I thought to myself, no big deal, if this is what my brain is doing, so be it.

And once again I miscalculated.

Because now, it's as if all of the horrible shit that was tightly kept under wraps suddenly broke free and exploded.

I can physically feel the trauma that's swirling in my chest. More - it's like I am merely a physical shell that purely trauma inhabits. Instead of the usual sluggishly bleeding wound that has closed and healed up in some sections, it's like a hurricane - raging and claiming every free space.

It's so fucking chaotic and encompassing and how the fuck am I supposed to function like this????? What the fuck, brain?????? What happened to letting me process one memory at a time?????? Why did you have to dump 18 years of bad emotions on me????

I am not having a good time. No, I am in everything that isn't my mental state, but when it comes to my mental state, I'm not having a good time.

#vent tw #life after abuse #toxic family #toxic household #dysfunctional family #toxic parents #toxic mother #dysfunctional parents #actually traumatized #toxic siblings #abuse ment tw

[claires-lobotomy]

Daylight

Light. Blinding. Piercing. I shield my eyes. How can this be light? Glimmers of starlight streaming down through cracks in the roof. Flickering flecks of fireflies I used to try to bottle. Flashes of lightning through torrential downpour, terrifying and beautiful, threats from a distance. Low, steady fire glow I used to tend, warm but warning, burning me when I got too needy. All familiar, but this is something new. Daylight, they call it. I can feel it on me, warming even parts I have hidden. The sun himself reaching down from the heavens to gently illuminate every inch of shadow. I shrink away and peek through my fingers. How can this be the same light?

#poetry #poem #this is cringy #oh well #life after abuse #writing

[healingafterabuse]

11/24/22

Well, I've reached the point where I'm sobbing on the kitchen floor again. I just have to remind myself that healing isn't linear and to treat myself with a little extra kindness today

#abuse recovery #life after abuse #trauma recovery

[nocontactdiaries]

Sometimes I tell myself I don’t deserve to love myself. I don’t deserve to love my chunky legs, I don’t deserve to love my chest, my hair, my nose, my eyes. I tell myself I don’t deserve to be proud of who I am, and what I am growing into. I tell myself I’m not allowed to be proud of the progress and the healing. 

After all, if my parents couldn’t be proud of me, no matter how I contorted myself, broke myself for their approval, how could anyone else be proud- and how could I have the audacity to appreciate myself? 

It’s so tiring, though. It’s so tiring to self-hate. It takes more energy for me to hate myself than it does for me to just... admire and appreciate. Appreciate the legs I got from my paternal grandmother. The eyes that are wholly unlike anyone else in my family. The hair that I maintain and care for.  It’s exhausting. My parents punished me so much, over such little things- over the smallest of mistakes, and part of me breaking the cycle is, I think, in breaking THAT cycle, too- the cycle where I punish myself. When I have a child, they deserve parents who love them AND themselves- parents who are proud of themselves, parents who doesn’t speak negatively and degradingly about their body, parents who are gentle and kind with themselves- parents who leads by example in regards to self-love and self-respect.  My beloved and I are working on this together, and it’s beautiful, wholesome and affirming.  I deserve to love myself. To be able to look at my legs and acknowledge that while they don’t look the way I want them to, they carry me up mountains. That my hair is lovely, and that I genuinely like it. That my chest isn’t inherently bad or improper. 

#breaking cycles #estranged child #domestic abuse survivor #estranged #donam #estranged mother #Life After Abuse #self worth #self love #kindness

[isolde-serpentia]

I am Isolde

I once loved a man too deeply, and this is the end result.

I've become a shadow of what and who I used to be. 10 years of it, and I'm in too deep.

I can't give myself to another man, again. Nor do I want to.

I was, and still am, accused of being unfaithful, lying, manipulating, you name it. I did none of it. I gave and gave and gave until I didn't recognize myself.

He spit down my throat, degraded me every chance he had, even threatened to find other women if I didn't fuck him when he wanted it.

Accused me of always up to no good, when I was stupidly loyal to him. All the while, he has other women on rotation.

He is almost 50 years old, and looks for women with trauma because it's easier to manipulate them. Not to mention, he has gravitated to associating himself with folks he is old enough to be their father... A blue collar background still living a blue collar life but manipulated white collared folks due to their psychology backgrounds to make himself feel validated. It's only a matter of time before they see through his mask.

I've turned into a complete basket case over him. I don't even care, either. I travel in large groups of one, and I have more than one reason for it.

I wish he could have grown up instead of emotionally keeping himself stunted. As well as spiritually & mentally... I am no professional, but he is a classic narcissistic sociopath.

He destroyed me.

Now, I'm navigating the pieces to pick up and what to rebuild.

Sad truth is, if he walked up to me and said, "Honey, can we please try this again?"

I know I would cave.

I'm in too deep.

And this is the end result.

#heartbreak #healing journey #self discovery #self improvement #self reflection #self realization #life after divorce #life after trauma #life after abuse #spiritualgrowth #spirituality #spiritual healing #shadow work #accountability #no shame #therapy

[haikuswithdani]

no room.

all throughout this year, i could still only sleep on one side of the bed.

i spent so much time shrinking who i am to make space for you to fill.

and you filled my life. i orbited around you like you were my sun.

i watched what i said and withdrew from everyone to avoid your wrath.

perhaps "wrath" is harsh. all i know is the dull dread of your displeasure.

after all this time i'm still unpacking your lies and my illusions.

it's been a whole year and it's still second nature to withdraw and hide.

but tonight…i laid in the middle of the bed. there's no room for you.

#2017 #breakup #domestic violence #life after abuse #life after divorce #divorce

[toxicparentrants]

To rebuild a relationship or stay low contact with abusive parent now that I’ve been out of the house for a few years? I know she will never fully change… we shall see how this goes.

#toxic parents #child abuse #mental health #abuse survivor #it gets better #emotional abuse #mental abuse #trauma #actuallyabused #abusive mom #life after abuse

[laikacore]

here's some news:

my eve has been replaced

a deep crack until dawn,

overspilling

while the vulture watches the sun

stake its claim.

my horizon ripples

arches, yields

a red line snapping back in the wind.

sometimes all a love knows is how

to incubate a hope

of how to survive in this wasteland.

now a part of me

will pick its creaking body

up off the mountainside

and put a close

to our long, long

sky burial.

horse funeral by laika wallace

#codependency #trauma poetry #toxic relationship #grief #life after abuse #surviving abuse #abusive relationship #abusive ex

[lifebeyondyou]

Unending

#life after abuse #abusive relationships #life #love #romance #poetry

[mirrorofeerised]

I am not a fun person.

I've been thinking a lot about this ever since Danielle Fishel said it on the BMW podcast. I'm not a fun person even though I find lots of joy and happiness in my life. However, I do believe it's the reason I've had such a hard time making and keeping friends. But I think if people understood, it'd be different.

For 30-ish years of my life I was living with all kinds of abuse. I never really had time to just be a kid, develop my personality, and figure out what I enjoy doing. Now that I'm free of the abuse and able to live my life, I find so much joy in peace and quiet. I was robbed of that in my childhood and I was guilted for wanting it as an adult. Now, there's nothing better to me than connecting with people who like me and are interested in me or taking sometime to just exist. I'm finding joy in good meals, beautiful skies, warm sunshine, and the company of true friends. I'm also finding joy in lazy days on the couch, simply sitting on the floor and daydreaming, or giving into my whims all without being yelled at or demeaned.

While I figure out what I like to do and who I am, I'm okay with not being "fun" and "interesting." For right now, moments of joy and being happy are truly enough.

#personal #life after abuse

[struggling-to-find-home]

It seems like the more trauma I unpack the more issues with stimulation I acquire

#life after abuse #trauma recovery #toxic family #toxic household #dysfunctional family #dysfunctional parents