#likely outcome is that when the date that i set to judge myself comes I’ll probably end up dying. i wont give up on colleges but rn i

[just-come-baek]

bet on it

Pairing: Na Jaemin x female!reader

Themes: smut | fluff | kidna cracky | light angst | fake dating!au | college!au | idiots to lovers!au | love letters

Word count: 21.2k 

Summary: One day, Jaemin stops by with a strange request. Any other person would just laugh in his face and refuse in a second. Unfortunately, I, being the dumbass I am, agree to it. Soon enough, everything gets out of hand, causing much more drama than we could ever predict.

Or in other words, Jaemin shouldn’t bet on things he knows he can’t win.

Warnings: all characters share like 3 brain cells, and somehow they all belong to Ten??? | self-indulgent type 3 diabetes fluff | cursing | mutual pining | college duties negligence | scheming and plotting | double-crossing | hookup culture condoning | corny and cringy stuff | alcohol consumption | smoking | extreme winter sports | amateur matchmaking | professional wooing | manipulative behaviour | steamy smut | oral female!receiving | thigh riding | spanking | marking | overstimulation | protected sex | lots of teasing | made up warnings | I don’t remember more

A/N it’s an instalment for love letters event hosted by neosmutcollective, I hope you enjoy my jaemin entry as well as other entries written by my friends from the network, check out the event tags too, and yeah, happy valentine's day!  😏  💖

***

“What?” I yelled, almost spitting my tea. No, I must’ve heard him wrong. Jaemin wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that. It had to be a joke. Or I must’ve imagined him say that. “You don’t mean that,” I added, still in shock, trying to comprehend what just happened.

“Come on, Noona,” Jaemin whined, staring right into my eyes, wishing for me to say yes to his ridiculous proposal. “I wouldn’t suggest that if I knew we couldn’t pull through.”

With a sigh, I shook my head. Jaemin’s proposition was absurd, and I couldn’t believe I was about to ask him again to walk me through it.

Damn me and my curiosity.

“Before I make my mind about this… tell me what the fuck led you guys to make that stupid bet. Then, and only then, I will still say no, but in good faith,” I demanded, smiling at Jaemin, knowing I wouldn’t make it easy for him to convince me. The odds weren’t in his favor, and he really had to put in lots of effort if he really wanted me on board.

“So we were chilling after practice, and then Haechan started to tease me that I have no game anymore,” Jaemin started, and I rolled my eyes. Of course, I should’ve figured it out. A man in his age apparently is a failure unless he has a different girl in his bed at least 3 nights a week, moaning his name at the top of her voice. Even though Jaemin doesn’t have a competitive nature, it still provoked him into agreeing to this absurd bet.

Life must be though with an ego so fragile…

Jaemin isn’t a fuckboy, yet he still has a fair share of love conquests. Though I had no idea whether it was true or not, he must have fallen a little behind the others – otherwise, they wouldn’t tease him about it.

“And then I said his mother must’ve dropped him on the head if he really thinks that,” Jaemin carried on. I nodded my head, trying to wrap my head around this preposterous situation. “Then, I said I could seduce any girl I want,” he added proudly, making me want to flicker his forehead, hoping it would knock some sense into that empty skull at the top of his neck.

“Okay, but how the hell did you end up with having to seduce me? This is the part I have the most trouble understanding,” I pointed out, cocking my eyebrow.

“Then, Chenle suggested we bet on it, and I agreed to it,” Jaemin whispered, looking away, sounding both regretful and shy. “I urged them to pick any girl, so Haechan looked around to choose my next conquest. It was the time when you and Ten were walking to the dance studio, and that bastard suggested you.”

So it was Haechan’s doing – I should’ve figured this one out. He was the only one wicked enough to possibly ruin somebody’s friendship because of a stupid bet.

Or, it was quite genius of him – maybe he figured Jaemin would not cross this line, choosing our friendship over winning this imbecilic bet.

“And you were confident you can woo me? What about our friendship? Does it mean anything to you?” I inquired, curious of what was going inside his head when he agreed to this half-witted bet. Did he seriously think we could have sex and then forget all about it?

“It’s not like that! I don’t want to woo you. I mean… I could, and you would be very much aware if I tried to hit on you, and you would fall for me. No doubts on that,” Jaemin spoke confidently, grinning like an idiot with ego blown way out of proportion. “But–“

Jaemin was about to say something dense, so before more bullshit managed to leave his mouth, I hit him with a cutting board. Jaemin whined, but I was sure he was exaggerating for comedy purposes. My hit was calculated and balanced – it was powerful enough for him to understand it wasn’t a good idea, but at the same, it was not going to cause any permanent damage to his brain. I’d never purposefully do that to him.

“We’re not having sex. Get that shit inside your head,” I interjected, pouring my herbal tea down my throat, already thinking about making another cup. This conversation was making me uncomfortable, and I wanted to put an end to it. Perhaps another lemon balm tea would calm my nerves.

Ignoring his penetrating gaze, I shuffled around the kitchen, setting the kettle on the stove. In the meantime, Jaemin walked around the kitchen island and grabbed me by my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes.

“Come on, Noona, I am not asking you to sleep with me,” Jaemin defended his case, quite determined to pull me on his side.

“Well… it looks exactly like you’re asking me to sleep with you,” I cut in, walking around him to the cabinet to get a fresh tea bag. I’ve really had enough of this bullshit.

“We could just make it look like like we did,” he carried on, and I heaved a deep sigh, regretting even letting him in today. I had this extremely boring essay to write, and at this point, I’d rather begin my research on whatever topic my professor assigned.

“It’s still a no from me, sorry,” I replied harshly, crashing Jaemin’s expectations. Judging by the look on his face, it wasn’t the outcome he anticipated when he decided to knock on my doors. “What happens when you lose that bet? Well… except for your pride, of course.”

“500 dollars.”

“Ouch, sowwy, I hope you can afford that,” I added with a fake smile, patting him on the shoulder, being well aware this amount of money was a game-changer to Jaemin’s budget. If he won, he would have the time of his life, spoiling himself. However, if he lost, he’d have to eat instant ramen on every meal for the entire month. “Either way, I hope it will teach you a lesson to not bet on things you know you can’t win.”

“Ugh, fine,” Jaemin groaned in disappointment, reaching for my hands, holding them carefully as if they were made of china. “If you help me, I’ll give you half of the money,” he proposed, and I looked at our hands linked together, then quickly shifted my gaze to his eyes. “If you help me win, you’ll get 250 dollars, and you’ll be finally able to buy those fancy shoes you wanted so bad. What do you say?”

When did he get so persuasive?

It was a low blow.

Jaemin knew that these shoes were tempting me ever since I had seen them. Multiple times, my thumb hovered over the add-to-cart button. Every time, I resisted the temptation last minute upon seeing the price tag, though. This purchase was way out of my budget.  However, now, when the new income opportunity presented itself, it made me wonder.

Suddenly, the kettle began to whistle, bringing me down to Earth from that ridiculous train of thought. Shaking my head, I tore my hands out of Jaemin’s gentle grasp, fidgeting back to the stove, pouring boiling water into the cup.

“Okay, fine, but I have a few questions first,” I gave up after a short pause for intense pondering, and Jaemin smiled brightly in instant gratitude and relief. Without my help, he would be doomed. “And then, if I like the answers, I have a few conditions.”

“Anything.”

“Okay, so first of all, how much time do we have to do the deed,” I inquired as I blew some air before taking a cautious sip.

“About two weeks,” Jaemin mentioned after a while as he had counted on his fingers how many days we have to team up and win five hundred dollars for us. “Officially, we have to do it before Jaehyun’s birthday party,” he specified, and I hummed, realizing it is very little time.

“You seriously think I am that easy? Outrageous,” I gasped, throwing a fake tantrum as I made my way around him to sit down on the barstool on the other side of the kitchen island.

“No, of course not,” Jaemin quickly realized what I was getting on, so he smiled sheepishly, already trying to figure out the best wording to calm me down. “I am just that good,” he added, and I leaned over to smack his shoulder. “Kidding,” he defended himself, stepping out of my reach. “Renjun proposed this party, I mean, it’s the easiest way they can verify we did it,” Jaemin carried on, and I cursed under my breath.

How convenient.

“But we’re not going to do the fucking,” I stated, as a matter of fact, repeating myself in order to make sure we were both on the same page. As much as it would be pleasant to actually do it with him, never under these circumstances.

“No, we’re not, but I guess we can sneak out upstairs to one of the unoccupied rooms, and once we make sure they’re listening, you can just shout how good I’m fucking you,” Jaemin reasoned, and I sighed as regret once again washed through me.

“That’s creepy,” I commented as my mind conjured an image of a group of peeping Toms, eavesdropping on our sex session. Once again, I felt the temptation to drop out of this deal, but then, another thought crossed my mind. “Ugh, fine, I’ll do it. All I have to do is shout for two minutes, and then, these cute shoes will be mine.”

“Two minutes? Are you insane?” Jaemin hollered, offended by my comment. “It happened once, and it was ages ago. I’ve learned plenty of tricks since then,” he blabbered, acting way too defensive for his past mishap. “Just let me live in peace, please.”

“Okay, so we have established the deadline, and although it’s not enough time for anyone to woo me, let’s go with it.”

“Thank you! I knew I could count on you,” Jaemin replied with gleeful enthusiasm as he sat down on the barstool beside me and pressed a chaste kiss against my knuckles.

“But you have to go overboard with the courting,” I added, making Jaemin groan. Hard work wasn’t his best suit, but this time, he really had to try his best, or I’d have to turn him down at Jaehyun’s party. “You really have to make it believable and super romantic. Otherwise, I’m out,” I clarified, and Jaemin nodded, though unwillingly.

“Fine, any other wishes in mind?”

“Once we win the bet, we have to end this whole fake-dating fiasco immediately,” I announced, already planning ahead. It was easy to win the bet, but the most difficult part was getting back to normal. If we planned to fake-date in order to fake-fuck, then it was reasonable to figure out how we’re going to fake-break up.

“We should agree on admitting it was the best sex of our lives, but despite that, we value our friendship even more, so we decided to remain friends. How does it sound?” Jaemin suggested, and I had to once again resist the temptation to roll my eyes.

“I agree with the overall message, but later, we have to work on proper delivery.”

 ***

On the very next day, Jaemin and I decided to implement our secret plan.

Since I specifically asked to be courted in an over-the-top manner, Jaemin suggested going to the cinema. There were no attention-grabbing titles screened, yet ultimately, we agreed on watching the very last projection of the sequel to Wonder Woman.

“Go get the snacks, I’ll buy the tickets,” I ordered once we stepped into the cinema area of the nearest shopping mall. It was two o’clock in the afternoon, so the establishment wasn’t crowded. Except for us, there was only a family of three slowly making their way to the exit.

“See you in five minutes,” Jaemin murmured before he walked off to the bar to get us some salty popcorn and soda drinks. Though we both considered them way overpriced, it was a perfect way to celebrate the beginning of our fake relationship.

“We still have some time until the movie starts,” Jaemin shyly whispered as he cleared his throat. “Let’s take some selfies to make it public,” he added, and I nodded, sending him a timid smile, knowing this protocol had to be done in order to properly keep up appearances.

These days, everything had to be posted on social media, or it didn’t exist. If we didn’t leave a single digital mark, people might’ve grown a little bit suspicious of our alleged rendezvous. It would probably shock our friends, but it had to be done if we wanted to really sell it to them.

The circumstances were perfect for an impromptu first-date photo shoot. We were able to snap a few pictures without any annoying looks of prying eyes, choose the best angles, and finally post it with an ambiguous description confusing the shit out our friends.

Though Jaemin took about fifty photos, ultimately, I allowed him to upload three.

One picture showed me standing back to the camera as I looked at the cinema schedule, trying to pick a movie. I was wearing an A-line crimson red dress and a pair of warm black tights – the outfit really made my figure look pretty slim.

“What do you think about this one?” Jaemin inquired, showing me the photo of our interlaced hands. With a hum, I inspected the picture, giving him the green light. It was appropriate for our first date – it would signify we weren’t at the cinema as friends.

“This one looks good enough,” I commented as I reached to swipe across the screen of his smartphone. “I look cute here,” I added, showing Jaemin a picture of us. We were smiling, staring at the camera, almost stuffing our faces into the bucket of popcorn.

“What kind of description should I write?”

“Something vague, I guess,” I answered with a shrug, having no clue what kind of comment would be fitting for this Instagram post. “Maybe stick to emojis,” I suggested, and Jaemin went back to work, adjusting filters and typing the description.

With a chuckle, Jaemin handed me his phone, letting me approve his commentary.

“Are you out of your mind?” I hollered, quickly deleting the emojis. Having smacked his shoulder, I turned around, blocking him from seeing the screen. Three blushed emojis suited our fake-date better than a popcorn bucket, a wine glass, and an eggplant.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” Jaemin apologized, still laughing at his incredibly funny joke.

“Here, I posted it,” I said with an eye roll, throwing his phone at his lap. “The commercials must’ve started; let’s go,” I rose from my seat and extended my arm, wanting Jaemin to hand me the cup of coke. Jaemin, however, completely misunderstood my intentions, putting his hand into mine, holding it gently. “Give me my drink, Jaemin.”

“Sorry,” Jaemin sheepishly smiled before he yanked back his hand and turned his head around, too embarrassed to look at me. I, on the other hand, laughed hysterically. That should’ve served him right after that emoji faux pas.

“I was kidding,” I admitted when my laughter died down. “Come on, Jaemin. Let’s go; I want to see the trailers,” I added before grabbing his hand, hauling him inside the screening room.

At the last row, we plopped down onto our double seat, getting comfortable for the movie. With our belongings thrown onto the neighboring seat, we stretched our limbs before the lights went out, providing us with the best viewing experience.

“Do you think they’ve seen it?” Jaemin whispered into my ear as he placed his head on my shoulders. “I want to check it, but at the same time, I don’t.”

“Mood,” I replied, feeling just as anxious.

The movie began, and we quickly forgot about our bold social media statement, focusing much more on the screening. Residing to our typical behavior, Jaemin placed his head on my shoulder, snuggling closer, taking full advantage of the bucket of popcorn, which rested on my thighs.

It was peaceful and comfortable – just as things were before Jaemin had come up with his brilliant idea to fake-date each other for the sake of that ludicrous bet. Though we acted the way we used to with each other, it felt somewhat different with that supposed romantic connotations haunting us. Not necessarily bad kind of different, though.

Just as we expected, two hours was more than enough for our friends to spam our individual inboxes. We both had dozens of messages from group chats, as well as private ones. All of them were asking and/or speculating what happened and why.

“I don’t feel like answering any of these,” I muttered, dreading to read what Ten and Jiwoo wrote on our roomies’ group chat. “I don’t feel like coming home, either. They’re gonna eat me alive with questions. I am not ready to face them yet. Wanna hang out some more?”

“Fuck, even my mom has seen them,” Jaemin cursed under his breath, completely forgetting about his mother being a mad keen Instagram user. Now, when he looked at our arrangement from a slightly different angle, Jaemin realized it brought way more consequences than he was planning on facing.

It was bad.

Really bad.

With shaky hands, I unlocked my phone, checking the Instagram post Jaemin had tagged me in. Not only our friends flooded the group chats, but also, they didn’t forget to embarrass us even further in the comment section.

lucas_xx444: what the heck??? 😧 is this for real???

yuu_taa_1026: finally!!1 maybe they stop simping for each other now 🤡

_jeongjaehyun: another man down, shame 😔

choi.jiwoo21: 🙄🙄 some men actually grow up, jeong…

mama_nana: Why am I only finding about this now?

“Well… fuck,” I murmured under my breath, still unable to process the fact that Jaemin’s mom knew about it. It was supposed to be a harmless charade; however, with each passing minute, it was getting out of hand. “What is the damage control procedure?” I asked in concern, biting the bottom lip nervously. Lying to our friends was pretty bad, but keeping this relationship thingy up in front of his mother was despicable.

“You know how she is,” Jaemin started, and I sighed, wishing I had no clue of what she was capable of. Unfortunately, I did, and it scared the hell out of me. “Either we go and visit her, or she’s coming to visit us,” he wondered, unable to choose which option was worse. “Fuck, she’s calling me. What do I do?”

With panic flashed in his eyes, Jaemin handed me his phone, expecting me to handle the conversation with his gossip-girl type of a mother. As if that would ever happen…

“Pick up and tell her we’re awfully busy or something,” I ordered him, gliding my finger across the screen, pressing the device against Jaemin’s ear.

“Hi, mom,” he spoke through gritted teeth, staring at me in absolute fury. Quickly, his hand cupped mine before he grabbed the phone, adjusting it.

By Jaemin’s mom’s standards, the conversation was brief. Or rather, her monologue was because Jaemin didn’t speak a single word through the entirety of it. Except for a couple of mmm’s thrown here and there, he didn’t engage at all.

Ideally, Jaemin would schedule the visit after we will have broken up. He’d go there by himself and tell her a story of us coming back to our senses and deciding to remain just friends. Unfortunately, that would require at least one functional brain cell and a pinch of assertiveness – both of which Jaemin seemed to lack.

“And?” I inquired, praying to hear some good news.

With a sheepish smile, Jaemin cautiously looked up at me. “We’re visiting her for dinner on Friday,” he announced, and I gripped my hands, trying to refrain myself from beating the shit out of him.

I didn’t sign up for any of this!

I just wanted some shoes.

“I hate you, Na Jaemin,” I angrily declared, storming out of the cinema, ready to indulge myself with plenty of greasy food. It wasn’t the best coping mechanism, but I needed to consume a ridiculous amount of calories in order to forget I was stupid enough to agree to participate in this travesty. “Are you coming or not?!”

 ***

The last thing I wanted was to face my roommates. They must’ve had dozens of questions about this out-of-the-blue date, and I was dreadful because I couldn’t provide them with genuine answers. Perhaps, I could try to confabulate my way out of this, but it was, nonetheless, risky.

Having eaten at least two servings of a delicious greasy meal Jaemin and I went for a stroll under the pretense of taking some more photos for future references.

Around 8 o’clock, I unwillingly made my way home. Even with that romantic aura lurking around us, it was still fun to hang out with Jaemin.

Walking up the stairs to the fourth floor, I wondered about possible solutions to my problem. In a perfect scenario, I’d sneak into my room without anyone noticing, so I wouldn’t have to deal with any prying questions until, at least, early morning.

Unfortunately, the moment I pulled out my keys, the doors swung wide open.

“Well, well, well…” Ten tsked with a mischievous smirk dancing across his gorgeous face. Asshole. How dare he tsk me? “Had fun on your date?” He asked, and I tried my best to ignore him. It wasn’t that easy, though. With Jiwoo backing up his teasing, I was outnumbered.

“So… you and Jaemin, huh?” Jiwoo mused, cocking up her eyebrow in curiosity. “Spill the tea. I didn’t spam your inbox to not hear all the details,” she added, and I rolled my eyes, regretting all of my poor life choices that led me to this moment.

“I’ll bring wine,” Ten hollered before he disappeared in the kitchen, also keen on knowing everything that had happened between us. “Don’t say anything until I get there!”

They wanted to hear a romantic story of how two friends realized they had hots for each other, and that’s exactly what I did. Unwillingly, I provided them with an incredible piece of fiction of how we felt the spark when Jaemin stopped by the other day.

Admittedly, it was easy to go with the flow once the wine molecules were coursing through my veins. With some liquid inspiration in my bloodstream, I narrated how adorable Jaemin had been when he had gathered enough courage to ask me out on a date.

“So I assume you’re bringing Jaemin to the cabin on the weekend,” Jiwoo inquired in a teasing manner, and I blinked in confusion. What cabin was she talking about? “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“Forgot about what?” I asked, still clueless about the whole ordeal. With a confused frown, I wondered what this cabin trip was about. Positively, I didn’t forget about it. It’s impossible to forget about plans you weren’t even invited to.

So, Jiwoo explained everything in great detail.

Apparently, Jaehyun and Johnny planned a weekend getaway to the cabin by the sea. They invited plenty of people, but since it’s the middle of a hectic period of exams, only a small percentage of invitees would be able to make it.

Jaehyun, Johnny, and Lucas gave up trying to get the best grades two semesters ago, so their schedule was pretty much open. Renjun, Chenle, and Yeri were nerds with every necessary book memorized by heart, so they didn’t have to cram the weekend before the tests. Jiwoo, being heads over heels in love with Jaehyun, would even cancel her manicure appointment to make it to that trip. She was that serious about this fratboy for some reason…

And now, two individuals needed a perfect excuse to ditch an uncomfortable family dinner. When a chance presented itself in front of me, I just couldn’t say no.

“I’m going. I don’t know about Jaemin, though. He’s meeting his mom on Friday, but maybe he can make it work.”

“Fantastic,” Jiwoo shouted in excitement before finishing her glass of wine.

“Now, when I think about it, I am glad I’ve taken an extra shift at the gym,” Ten chimed in with a playful smirk as he sipped his wine. “You two simping for each other was painful to watch, but now, when you’re hitting it off, it’s gonna be unbearable.”

“What do you mean simping?” I yelled in a threatening manner, ready to fight him for spitting nonsense so carelessly. I might’ve had a tiny crush on Jaemin, but I wouldn’t call it simping. Also, suggesting the simping was mutual? He must’ve lost his freaking mind. Ridiculous!

“Shit, I didn’t think this through,” Jiwoo mentioned, now probably re-considering if the trip is worthwhile. She would love to hang out with Jaehyun and finally make a move, but on the other hand, she would have to deal with my and Jaemin’s romantic shenanigans.

“Why are you such drama queens? We’ve been on one date, for crying out loud! Stop acting like we’re some kind of overly touchy couple because we’re not,” I barked, having no more energy to argue with them. “We’ll keep PDA to a minimum, don’t worry.”

“No need to get so defensive,” Ten added, enjoying my misery a bit too much.

“I am not getting defensive,” I argued, though facing real trouble, unable to actually back up my perspective. “Anyway, I am going to sleep. Unlike the two of you, some people have real jobs,” I added before storming to my room, plopping onto my bed with a tired groan.

Having changed into my pajamas and sneaked under the covers, I finally dared to connect my phone to the Internet. My inbox was full of texts, so I read them all. I didn’t feel like replying to any of them, though. Instead, I opened my chat with Jaemin.

my love 💖 | 20:41 | I figured it out

my love 💖 | 20:41 | You don’t have to thank me

my love  💖 | 20:41 | Also

my love 💖 | 20:41 | Wtf Jaemin?

my love 💖 | 20:41 | What kind of name is that???

my love 💖 | 20:42 | Change it back

baNANA 🍓 |  20:43 | No. 😘

baNANA 🍓 | 20:43 | The name stays

baNANA 🍓 | 20:43 | You can’t make me 😝😝

baNANA 🍓 | 20:44 | And what don’t I have to thank you for?

my love 💖 | 20:44 | I might’ve found alternative plans for friday

baNANA 🍓 | 20:44 | Oh???

my love 💖 | 20:45 | Jiwoo invited us to the cabin for the weekend

my love 💖 | 20:45 | We’re gonna get so drunk!

my love 💖 | 20:45 | It’s okay if you can’t make it, tho

baNANA 🍓 | 20:45 | Wow

baNANA 🍓 | 20:45 | I have an exam on Monday…

baNANA 🍓 | 20:45 | But I can make Haechan give me his notes

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | I wouldn’t miss it

my love 💖 | 20:46 | Good, then it’s a date

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | Date??? 🥰🥰

my love 💖 | 20:46 | Stop being so cringy!

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | Good night, love~~ 😘

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | Dream of me 😇😇😇

my love 💖 | 20:46 | Ugh.

my love 💖 | 20:46 | Disgusting 🤢🤮

baNANA 🍓 | 20:46 | I love you, too

***

As brilliant as my plan was, it fell through. Only partially, though. The little getaway was still a thing, but unfortunately, regardless of how much we tried, we couldn’t reschedule the dinner at Jaemin’s family home.

We still had to pay his parents a visit, but, at least, there was a silver lining.

Thanks to our hectic schedule, Jaemin’s mom wouldn’t have a chance to force us to stay longer. Whether she wanted to feed us dessert or stay the night, it was out of the question.

Since Jiwoo had one more exam to pass on Friday, half of the guests would have to show up later in the evening. Johnny, Jaehyun, Lucas, and Renjun were about to take off around noon while Jiwoo, Yeri, Chenle, Jaemin, and I had to carpool later in the evening.

I didn’t complain, though.

“It’ll be fine. It’s just my mom,” Jaemin reassured me, slipping his hand into mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I bet it’s gonna be like any other time you stopped by,” he added, and I cocked up my eyebrow suspiciously.

“You better be right,” I spoke, though still unconvinced. I knew Jaemin’s mother. She had a tendency to be, hmm…, a little bit extra. Who knew how she would behave now when she found out we were dating?

Since Jaemin was carrying our suitcases, I knocked on the front doors. Jaemin’s mom rushed to let us in, but not before she gave us bone-crushing hugs.

“I think you’ve misunderstood. I invited you for dinner. I didn’t ask you to move in with me,” Mrs. Na jested upon seeing the suitcases in Jaemin’s hands, misinterpreting the situation in the funniest way possible. “It must be shocking, but I enjoy living alone with your father.”

“We’re going to the beach with some friends after the dinner,” Jaemin clarified, and his mother hummed in understanding, acting a bit too cool about it. It’s been a while since Jaemin paid them a proper visit, and she was a little too nonchalant for my liking. “They’re going to pick us up around seven.”

She must’ve done something or was about to do something.

“Here’s some wine,” I spoke up, handing her the bottle as a small thank you gift for inviting us over for a delicious home-made meal.

“Thank you, dear. You’re so thoughtful,” Mrs. Na accepted the beverage, guiding us to the dining area. “I didn’t feel like cooking today, so I ordered some Chinese takeout. I hope you don’t mind,” she added, and I chuckled at her typical antics.

She was an amazing mother to Jaemin, raising him well, but she really was a terrible housewife. She didn’t change one bit, and I loved her for it. She had so much love for her husband, her son, and her son’s friends, and that’s what really mattered.

“Your father will be home in thirty,” she announced before she made a beeline to the kitchen to get a bottle opener. “And the takeout was supposed to arrive twenty minutes ago. If it weren’t for that slow delivery guy, I would’ve got away with my little secret,” she blabbered, laughing awkwardly.

“It’s okay, really,” I reassured her, sending her a genuine smile. “I am craving Chinese food, anyway,” I added before I elbowed Jaemin, so he would say something, too. For a blabbermouth he was, right now, he seemed awfully quiet.

Before Jaemin managed to provide his mother with a proper response, someone knocked on the doors. Since we had already arrived, it must’ve been the delivery guy with food.

“I’ll go get it,” Jaemin excused himself, leaving me alone with his mother.

“So…,” Mrs. Na cleared her throat as he began pouring wine into fancy glasses. “You guys are finally dating. And if you want me to be completely honest, I am a little bit disappointed,” she made a pause to look at me in the eye. What? She didn’t approve of me? That’s surprising; I used to think she adored me. “I am a little bit disappointed either of you didn’t make a move sooner. I was slowly losing hope,” she added, and I sighed in relief.

For a while, I was seriously concerned she didn’t like me.

“Are you expecting any guests? There’s no way we can finish it all by the four of us,” Jaemin commented as he walked into the dining room, setting two plastic bags of takeout. It smelled heavenly, and I couldn’t wait to taste whatever dish Mrs. Na had ordered.

“I can always invite your friends inside when they pull up,” she spoke matter-of-factly, but as soon as Jaemin looked at her sternly, she seconded that idea. “Or, I can pack it up, so you can share it with your friends later.”

“Should we wait for dad?” Jaemin asked when his stomach growled, demanding food. In the morning, he was quite anxious about going to his parents’ house, so he didn’t even bother to eat. Now, Jaemin was starving. He couldn’t wait any longer.

“I’ll get the plates,” his mom spoke, not really answering his question. Within two minutes, she came back with a special set of tableware. In their household, it was used only for holidays and other rare occasions. “Dig in,” she urged us, waiting for us to fill our plates before doing the same herself.

Whatever restaurant provided today’s dinner, it was remarkable. It wasn’t too salty, nor too spicy. Even when I was full, I still stuffed my mouth some more, unable to stop myself.

“You have sauce on your chin,” Jaemin remarked, pointing at his own chin, helping me locate the stray drop of soy sauce. “Here,” he added with a tired shake of his head, wiping it clean with his napkin.

“You two are too adorable,” Mrs. Na cooed, smiling at us widely. “It was worth the wait,” she added, and I creased my forehead in confusion. “Oh, did you hear that? It must be your dad,” Mrs. Na said upon hearing noise from the garage. “You keep eating, I’ll go greet his workaholic ass,” she excused herself with a playful smile before walking away from the table to welcome her husband as any loving wife would.

With a deep sigh, Jaemin leaned toward me, resting his arm on my chair.

“It’s not that bad, actually. I was excepting to go through some kind of FBI-level of interrogation, but she seems kind of chill about this whole thing,” Jaemin whispered into my ear, and I giggled, agreeing with him. It was kind of suspicious, but I couldn’t complain.

“It’s kinda creepy when she’s talking like she’s been rooting for us to end up together, but this one thing aside, it’s bearable,” I replied, and Jaemin nodded his head.

“I am gone for a minute, and you’re all over each other,” Mrs. Na snickered when she returned to the dining room, seeing Jaemin leaned in, only inches apart from my face. “Jaemin, mama’s so proud,” she added before she walked around the room to set the plate for Mr. Na.

“Stop embarrassing me,” Jaemin whined, playing with the food on his plate, pouting. Though his mother pretty much ignored his childish tantrum, I chuckled, finding it absolutely adorable. Maybe she was a teaser, but little Jaemin knew, he inherited it from her. It was time he experienced the taste of his own medicine.

The apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree…

The rest of the afternoon went peaceful. Though Mrs. Na threw in some cheesy remarks here and there, we could handle it. We were slightly buzzed, after all.

“It’s time for us,” Jaemin announced as he heard a car parked in front of the house. “It was nice. We should totally do it again,” he sarcastically added when he reached for my coat and helped me put it on.

“Don’t have too much fun,” she added with a playful smirk upon her face, earning a judging look from her more conservative husband. “No, wait, I second that. Have as much fun as you want. I am a cool parent,” she spoke, changing her mind in a matter of seconds. “And I plan on becoming a cool grandparent.”

At first, I wanted to remind her that we’re too young for children. Besides, technically, we only went on one date. It was definitely too soon to even think about these things, let alone talk about them out loud.

Thankfully, before I managed to say something I’d regret, Jiwoo honked, urging us to get going. If it wasn’t for her impatience, I might’ve ruined the image I had built for myself in Jaemin’s parents’ eyes.

“Your mother was joking! Always use protection,” Mr. Na hollered before he closed the doors after us.

***

Except for a few playful comments shot toward Jaemin and me, the ride was peaceful. As soon as we threw our suitcases into the trunk and squeezed in on the backseat, we hit the road. Jamming to Jiwoo’s playlist, we chatted in excitement, all of us in desperate need of a little vacation. It was a stressful time of a year, but maybe this short trip would actually help us recharge the batteries and calm down after busting our asses off.

“How was the dinner?” Jiwoo asked, staring at us in the rearview mirror. Since there was a limited amount of space, I was almost sitting on Jaemin’s laps. Jiwoo didn’t miss it with her eagle eyes. The way Jaemin played with my fingers didn’t go unnoticed, either.

“Bearable,” I muttered under my breath, not really wanting to recollect these memories now. I’d probably tell Jiwoo everything later, and she understood the subliminal message in a heartbeat. “How was your test?”

“I probably failed, but, at least, now I know what to expect,” Jiwoo answered as she turned to the left as the navigation system instructed her to.

In about two hours, we arrived at our destination.

Having stepped into the cabin with our heavy luggage in our hands, we encountered the middle of the party. A handful of beer bottles were scattered around the living area, the boys fervently discussing some matter.

“You’re finally here,” Jaehyun spoke matter-of-factly, as he noticed us in the threshold. “Go upstairs and leave your stuff in your rooms. We’ve already assigned them; just read the post-it notes stuck to the doors,” he explained before he turned away.

Huh, apparently, they were pros at planning.

The guys rented a cabin that consisted of six tiny bedrooms. Generally, we wouldn’t have a problem assigning them; however, since Jaehyun, Lucas, and Johnny didn’t want to room with anyone, we were facing a dilemma. They guys wanted to have some privacy if they managed to pick someone up at the hotel in the neighborhood. In this case, the six of us had to share rooms. Jiwoo and Yeri could room together. Renjun and Chenle could occupy another one, so it looked like they put Jaemin and me in the last one.

Thankfully, it wouldn’t be the first time when I had to share a bed with Jaemin. He had stayed the night plenty of times before when he dozed off during our Netflix marathons. However, it still was to be a little bit awkward since everybody thought we began dating. We were going to pull through, though.

As soon as possible, we came back downstairs, ready to even the score of consumed alcohol. All of us needed it. Everybody had a different reason for it, but none of our troubles were to be discussed tonight.

In the fridge, there was a whole palette of different types of alcohol. Quickly, I grabbed two tequila-flavored beers, handing one to Jaemin, allowing others to choose their poison.

My plan for tonight was to test every kind of alcohol, gradually going up with the percentages. It was a bad idea, but that’s what college was about – having fun like there’re no consequences.

We partied like there’s no tomorrow.

At first, we kept it simple. Fervent conversations led us to shout at one another, trying to force one perspective over the others. We were going through so many subjects that any sober bystander might’ve had real trouble comprehending how we managed to switch among them.

Then, someone suggested playing a drinking game. Of course, it had to be never have I ever. Everybody had so much fun, especially when the participants yelled at Jaemin and me because we didn’t even bother to abide by the rules. We were sipping our drinks whenever we felt like it, even between rounds, and it didn’t sit right with the rest. Eventually, they kicked us out of their little circle, giving us the crucial task of bringing some snacks from the kitchen.

Sometime past midnight, Jiwoo proposed going outside. It was beautifully snowing, but at the same time, it was freezing. Though I was opposed to this idea, everybody seemed to love it. The guys were throwing snowballs at each other, bringing out their inner child.

As if this wasn’t enough, they decided to take a stroll to the seaside. Though our cabin was maybe a mile away from the seashore, I didn’t particularly fancy the saunter. Jaemin was by my side, offering to warm my hand in his pocket, but I still was on the verge of freezing my ass off. I’d much rather sit by the fireplace under a few blankets with a mug of the mulled wine in my grasp. Apparently, everybody besides me was really intrigued by an ice bath and other winter extreme sports.

Though it was dangerous as fuck, Jiwoo took off her shoes and rolled up her jeans before she walked into the ice water of the sea. Being the dumbass he was, Lucas instantly followed suit.

“They seem to hit it off tonight,” I nonchalantly whispered as I elbowed Jaehyun. Jiwoo and Jaehyun might have a thing going on, but neither of them acted on it. Jiwoo was too whipped to make a move, too afraid of rejection. Jaehyun, on the other hand, was just a fuckboy, not really looking for a relationship. “Look at them. Don’t they look cute?” I carried on, cautiously watching Jaehyun’s expression. They weren’t together, but he seemed slightly jealous and frustrated watching her have lots of fun with Lucas.

In my opinion, he didn’t deserve her, but I didn’t really have a say in that matter. Jaehyun was the person Jiwoo’s heart longed for, and I, being her best friend, had to support that. Or, in this case, I had to give him a little push to get things in motion.

Jaehyun had some feelings for Jiwoo, but he needed some time and character development to fully comprehend them. Until then, it was my duty to remind him what he’s missing out on by not being serious enough to ask her out.

“Nah, I wouldn’t call them cute,” Jaehyun murmured through gritted teeth, positively jealous. “What they’re doing is dangerous; somebody has to stop them,” he added before he kicked off his own shoes, running toward Jiwoo to pick her up and bring her back to the shore.

“What was that?” Jaemin asked, being shook as to what he had witnessed.

“What was what? What do you mean?” I smirked, winking at him, hoping he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. “I didn’t do anything.”

“You played him,” Jaemin spoke, still impressed by how easily I manipulated Jaehyun into stepping into the scene, pulling Jiwoo away from Lucas. “Is this even legal? You’ve never done this one me, have you?”

“No, of course, not! Don’t be ridiculous,” I answered, though my tone suggested a completely different message. “You would’ve known, wouldn’t you?” I teased, chuckling at Jaemin’s funny expression. He was mortified. “I think you’re overreacting. I just pointed out some facts, and Jaehyun reacted to them according to his emotional opinion. I really didn’t do anything,” I added, defending my case.

“Don’t you ever try pulling a trick like that on me, okay?” Jaemin stated, and I nodded, giving him a promise. “I mean… I wouldn’t fall for it, but still, don’t.”

“We should head back to the cabin,” Johnny shouted, gathering the gang. Surprisingly, he seemed the most sober amongst us, so it didn’t come as a shock to me that he tried to look after his hammered friends.

In my opinion, it was a perfect call. I was slowly sobering up, and I definitely needed a refill. With my schedule packed, I had no idea when I would have a chance for another getaway, so I had to make the most out of this one.

As we returned to the cabin, Jaehyun’s eyes didn’t leave Jiwoo.

Jaemin, on the other hand, went upstairs to grab his camera, deciding it was the best time to snap photos. Of course, he had to take pictures of us when we were drunk out of our minds. Why didn’t he take any when we looked decent without smudged make-up?

“Sexy,” Jaemin commented as he pointed his camera at me. “Ahh, sexy,” he kept calling me that, and I stuck my tongue at him, wanting him to go away pester someone else. My hair was a mess, and my lipstick smudged off my lips a long time ago. “So sexy,” he carried on, making me roll my eyes at him. At some point, I tried kicking him, but that bastard was beyond my reach.

Around 2 o’clock, one by one, we began feeling tired.

Lucas was the first one to go. Considering how much alcohol he had drunk, I was surprised he lasted that long. Better yet, it was a shock he could even stand straight. Jaemin and Renjun had to escort him upstairs, but nonetheless, his alcohol tolerance was impressive.

I didn’t even realize when, but Yeri and Chenle managed to fall asleep on the couch. Firmly, Renjun shook them away, ordering them to go to their respective rooms. With tired yawns, they made their way upstairs, falling on their beds face-first.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Jaemin pouted as he sat on the side of the armchair, resting his head on my shoulder. Entwining his hand in mine, he stood up, pulling me up.

“Have fun, guys. We’re calling it a night,” I announced, refraining from yawning.

“No, you have fun,” Jiwoo replied, sending us a wink. Shaking my head, I sighed before we disappeared upstairs. I don’t know what she was thinking; however, I didn’t have the energy to keep my eyes open, let alone other nighttime activities. Besides, Jaemin was just as spent. Even if we were in a real relationship, we wouldn’t engage in half-conscious unsatisfactory messy sex.

“Come here,” Jaemin whispered as he smiled. His eyes were already closed as he patted the mattress beside him, waiting for me to join. “Good job. I think we really sold it to everybody,” he added as he snuggled closer, wrapping his limbs around my body.

“That’s good,” I purred, slowly drifting into dreamland. It was a long day, and it was finally over. Though it had a rough beginning, I ended it in Jaemin’s arms. “Good night.”

“Good night, my love,” Jaemin muttered, resting his head on my pillow right beside my face.

“You were supposed to change that name,” I replied, too drunk or/and too tired to realize it was his spoken words and not a text message.

 ***

During the second week of our relationship, we grew to be less tense around each other. Better yet, we seemed awfully comfortable, almost as if that’s how everything was meant to be. It was a little bit alarming, but I decided not to point that out. Even if it was just an act, I enjoyed it much more than I’d ever dare to admit. As long as it lasted, I was to savor it.

Ever since we came back from the weekend trip, Jaemin would pop up out of nowhere at least once a day with a surprise for me, proving how over the top he could be in courting a woman.

On Monday, he spammed his social media feed with my pictures from the trip. Of course, he didn’t forget to put a corny description under it, making me flustered. Even though I wouldn’t consider myself photogenic, Jaemin managed to bring out my best features with his photography talent and editing skills.

On Tuesday, Jaemin was waiting outside the auditorium with a cute bouquet of my favorite flowers – white roses. He was there to congratulate me on passing my last exam of the semester. The professor would send us results by the end of the week, but according to Jaemin, there was no chance I’d fail it.

“I still don’t get it how you do it,” Jaemin mused, scratching his temple, trying to put two and two together. “I hardly ever see you study, but then, you panic before an exam only to nail it later on. What kind of black magic is this?” He wondered, and I giggled, unable to explain my poor studying technique. I just winged it last minute every single time in my academic career.

“You better be right about this one,” I replied, still anxious about my grade. I didn’t manage to answer all of the questions, so a passing grade would be a relief. “I’m craving pasta. Do you want t go on a celebratory date?”

“You’re reading my mind,” Jaemin said, grabbing my hand, leading me to our favorite restaurant.

On Wednesday, Jaemin invited me to a bowling alley. Every month he would visit the establishment with his friends. Only on rare occasions, their significant others were invited. None of them could really commit to a serious relationship, so it never became a repetitive custom of their group.

“You guys are disgusting,” Haechan whined after our turn. Jaemin and I were losing by an enormous margin, but we didn’t mind. We were having fun despite a low score. “But at least, we’re winning,” Haechan added, pointing at Chenle and himself.

“I am the winner here,” Jaemin boldly announced, giving my hand a light squeeze, making me almost spit my soda.

Everybody cringed at Jaemin’s bold corny statement.

“I second that,” Haechan mused, looking away from Jaemin. “She’s bearable, and you are just absolutely repulsive,” he corrected himself, and I chuckled. Never in my entire life, I thought I would agree on something with Haechan, but this moment occurred right then.

On Thursday, although my schedule was packed with work, Jaemin insisted on hanging out. Tired out of my mind, I let Jaemin inside the apartment. He was carrying Mexican takeout; I couldn’t send him back home. Not when he had goodies.

“What do you want to watch?” I asked as I handed him the remote, allowing him to choose the movie. I was going to pass out anyway, so he might’ve as well picked something he liked.

“Anything is good,” he answered as he unwrapped his quesadilla, taking a bite off of it.

“The Notebook it is then,” I teased, but since Jaemin didn’t stop me, I put it on.

Having eaten my portion of a delicious meal, I lay down on the couch, resting my head on Jaemin’s thighs. I didn’t even realize when I fell asleep. Only when the credits were rolling down on the screen, Jaemin shook me awake.

“When did you fall asleep?” Jaemin inquired, a little bit mad that I forced him to watch the ultimate romantic movie of the twenty-first century. It was toxic as hell, and the way their behavior got romanticized didn’t sit right with me.

“As soon as I lay down,” I answered honestly, as I rolled around, staring at Jaemin’s handsome face. “How did you like the movie?” I asked innocently, swiftly changing the topic. It was for the better if Jaemin didn’t find out I paid no attention to the film. Instead of a great viewing experience, it was just a mere background noise that lulled me to sleep.

“I didn’t,” Jaemin whined, tapping his foot against the floor, making me sit up instantly. “It was toxic and sad at the same time. Noah was a manipulative jerk, and Allie was moody as fuck. The only bright side of their relationship is that they ended up with each other, not ruining other people’s lives,” Jaemin spoke the truth, and I couldn’t agree more. “In conclusion, give me my 2 hours back,” he added, and I hit him with a cushion.

Unable to comprehend what I just did, Jaemin blinked in confusion. Then, a few seconds later, he smirked and grabbed another cushion, ready to fight back.

Unfortunately, our childish antics were interrupted by Jiwoo. She was hanging out with Yuta, studying for the exam they had to retake the next day. To be completely honest, she couldn’t have any worse timing. While watching a movie was explainable, it wasn’t the case when it came to an impromptu pillow fight.

“Should I come back later, or something?” Jiwoo asked, pointing at the doors, willing to leave if it meant for me to get laid.

“Nah, Jaemin’s leaving. I am trying to kick him out, actually,” I announced, sticking my tongue out.

On Friday, Jaemin and I planned on going to the arcade. Unfortunately, we had to raincheck that. One of Jaemin’s coworkers fell sick, and Jaemin had to take a double shift at the coffee shop in his neighborhood.

I already had canceled my other plans to hang out with Jaemin, so I didn’t really want to stay at home all by myself. It was a Friday night, after all. Surprising him at work seemed like a better idea. His friends liked hanging out there; therefore, it must’ve been an excellent excuse for a little bit of acting in order to keep up appearances.

Quickly, I assembled a cute outfit and put on light make-up.

About an hour before the closing, I entered the coffee shop. Except for a few students with their noses in their computers, the establishment was empty.

“Welcome to–,” Jaemin hollered, ready to welcome the customers. “Oh, it’s you. What are you doing here?” He asked as a wide smile spread across his face, enjoying my surprise.

“I just came to surprise you,” I confessed, though none of us paid enough attention to the gravity of my words. I genuinely wanted to hang out Jaemin him as his girlfriend. “And I also wanted to get some discounted goodies. What do you have left?” I asked, looking over his shoulder, trying to see what food didn’t sell yet. An hour before the closing, everything on the menu was discounted by seventy percent, and I just couldn’t walk past that kind of deal.

“You’re not the only one who came for cheap stuff,” Jaemin commented as he saw Haechan and Renjun on the other side of the doors. “Take a seat, I’ll bring you your favorite,” he added, and I smiled at him, walking to the booth by the window.

Having finished my Greek sandwich, I focused on my cup of tea. I was scrolling through social media feed, giggling whenever I stumbled upon a funny meme. It was a perfect evening; complete relaxation in the rhythm of soft foreign jazz music playing through speakers, Jaemin checking up on me once every a couple of minutes.

“Oh, hi, there,” Haechan hollered as soon as he noticed me. He must’ve been returning to his table from a restroom. “I didn’t realize you’re here. What’s up?” We weren’t close, so his question was more like a polite generic statement rather than genuine curiosity.

“I’m waiting for Jaemin to finish, so we can hang out at my place,” I answered, hoping Haechan would get the suggestive tone.

“Actually, there’s something you should know,” he said quietly, looking around, probably checking if Jaemin was within earshot. “I am so ashamed it happened, but I really have to tell you something,” Haechan added, and I couldn’t wait for him to reveal the secret.

Haechan was playing dirty. He wanted to tell me about the bet, ruining Jaemin’s chance at getting me to sleep with him. It was some top-tier double-crossing, and I found it impressive. I had no clue Haechan had it in him.

“We shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know why we even agreed to this,” Haechan added, scratching the back of his head, trying to sound genuinely regretful. “I think Jaemin’s not genuine about the thing you have going on. You see, we made a bet. He has to have sex with you, or else he owes Chenle 500 bucks.”

“What?!” I exclaimed, hoping my consternation was believable. At first, I felt the temptation to say something along, yeah, I know, what’s new, but then I decided to play along. It was actually a good idea to make it seem like Jaemin’s about to lose the bet. Knowing them, they wouldn’t call it off. If anything, Jaemin could double the stakes. “No, it can’t be true. Jaemin would never –“

Now, it was my cue to make a scene. Hopefully, it would play out exactly like in my impromptu prediction.

Reaching the stage of fake hysteria, I rose from my seat and stormed to Jaemin. He was energetically wiping off the tables, wanting to leave shortly after the last customer.

“Is that true? Did you really make a bet you can have sex with me?” I yelled at him through gritted teeth. Jaemin, on the other hand, was confused as fuck. “Did you really think you could get away with it? You disgust me!” I shouted, slapping his cheek. “Don’t ever call me again,” I added before I turned on my heel, storming out of the coffee shop.

Being the only employee at work, Jaemin couldn’t run after me.

Jaemin deserved an explanation. I had to fill him in on my wonderful plan before he would blow it in front of Renjun and Haechan.

my love 💖 | 20:46 | play along

my love 💖 | 20:46 | trust me

my love 💖 | 20:47 | kick them out pls

baNANA  🍓  | 20:47 | wtf???

baNANA 🍓  | 20:48 | that hurt

baNANA 🍓  | 20:48 | I didn’t have to kick them out

baNANA  🍓 | 20:49 | they ran out a few seconds after you

my love 💖 | 20:49 | good

baNANA 🍓  | 20:49 | what the hell is going on???

baNANA  🍓  | 20:50 | I am confused

my love 💖 | 20:50 | Haechan ‘told’ me about the bet

my love 💖 | 20:50 | he wanted to double cross you

baNANA  🍓  | 20:51 | what???

my love 💖 | 20:51 | so the plan is

my love 💖 | 20:51 | they know you don’t stand a chance

my love 💖 | 20:51 | so you double the stakes

my love 💖 | 20:52 | and then bam! we win double the money

baNANA  🍓  | 20:52 | wow

baNANA  🍓  | 20:52 | you’re a genius

my love 💖 | 20:53 | I know

my love 💖 | 20:53 | and since I’m acting like I’m not talking to you

my love 💖 | 20:53 | bye 

my love 💖 | 20:54 | see you @ the party!

 ***

Everything went according to my plan. The guys thought I was pissed with Jaemin, while Jaemin still tried to convince them he stands a chance to court me. It was kind of ironic, they wanted to play me, but it was them getting played.

Together with Jiwoo and Ten, we came extra early to Jaehyun’s party. Still being stuck in friendzone, Jiwoo went out of her way to help him out. Today it meant setting up all types of decorations all over the fraternity house and preparing different kinds of snacks.

Around seven, an Uber pulled up in front of our building. Not to brag, but despite the limited amount of time, we managed to dress up to the nines.

I decided to keep it simple. My outfit consisted of a pair of skinny high-waisted black jeans, a long-sleeved sequin embellished crop top, and a pair of ankle-high boots.

Jiwoo, on the other hand, was wearing a two-piece baby pink dress and a pair of massive mid-thigh black leather platform combat boots. She looked fierce, like a weird baby of 90’s Britney Spears and Marilyn Mason.

Though Ten’s outfit looked the most effortless, it took him longer than us to put it together. Having thrown every single thing from his closet on the bed, Ten experienced a mild crisis. Even though he looked gorgeous in everything, he didn’t seem to believe us. Only after the off-hand intervention, he agreed to play it cool with a pair of ripped jeans, a black shirt with three top buttons left untouched, and an oversized leather jacket.

Once we arrived at Jaehyun’s fraternity, nothing was ready. Thankfully, it wasn’t my problem. Jiwoo was the one who volunteered to help out. Ten and I were about to vibe in the corner, letting other people arrange the place according to Jaehyun’s vision.

Trying our best not to disturb others, Ten and I watched the way the smelly fraternity sex mansion turned into a festive valentine’s manor.

“I hope she’s gonna get laid today,” I whispered into Ten’s ear, looking at Jiwoo working like a busy bee around the house.

“She better; that’s really painful to look at,” Ten agreed, looking a little bit disappointed. Jiwoo was at Jaehyun’s beck and call, and it was about time he acknowledged her feelings.

Around nine o’clock, it was getting a little bit crowded.

Music was blasting through the speakers. Some of the fratboys were already looking for their next conquest. Girls were dancing on a makeshift dance floor in the middle of the living area, suggestively swaying their hips, teasing whoever was watching with their sexy moves.

Later on, when I was in the middle of my fourth drink of the night, Jaemin finally showed up. Together with Haechan, Jeno, Renjun, and Chenle, they walked through the threshold. They all looked great, but Jaemin stood out in the crowd. After all, he was the only one to put on a suit jacket over his white T-shirt. While the rest rocked the comfortable outfits, Jaemin opted for a more elegant look.

Almost as if he wanted to impress someone. Or at least, apologize properly, trying every sly trick to make me forgive him.

Upon entrance, his eyes searched me in the crowd, and when he met my gaze, a smile stretched across his face. Shyly, he raised his hand, wanting to wave at me, but since I stubbornly turned my head around, playing my role of offended woman, he lowered it.

“I’ve seen an ATM on our way here,” Renjun commented, knowing Jaemin didn’t stand a chance of winning the bet.

“It won’t be necessary,” Jaemin replied, following me with his gaze. “I didn’t lose it yet,” he added, and the guys laughed at him. There was no way he still thought he could woo me. “I still have a few hours left; I am not going to give up.”

“You’re such a loser,” Jeno interjected as regret washed through him. Although he didn’t actively participate when the bet was placed, he didn’t oppose it. He was an idle bystander, allowing other people to ruin our friendship. It didn’t sit right with him, but it was too late. The damage was already done, and Jaemin was going to embarrass himself even further. “She doesn’t deserve any of this.”

“It’s not like that,” Jaemin started, but he refused to explain how exactly it was like.

“You’re still gonna fail,” Haechan added with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders. Back at the coffee shop, he ruined Jaemin’s chance for success. “Hey there, beautiful,” Haechan spoke when his attention was snatched by one of the girls who walked past them.

Once the boys divided to greet other friends, Jaemin strolled to the kitchen. I was there, and he needed to initiate the first step of our plan.

Sincere apology.

“Can we talk?” Jaemin whispered as he reached out to grab my hand, interrupting my conversation with Ten and Yeri. “Let me explain. You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to listen to me,” he asked, and I unwillingly complied, letting him lead me toward an abandoned corner in the living area. No one could hear us talk, but at the same time, everybody could see us.

“What do you want, Jaemin,” I barked, folding my arms across my chest, startling myself with how good I managed to behave like an angry ex-girlfriend. Though it was my last semester, maybe I should change my major to professional acting.

“Wow. You’re too good at this,” Jaemin commented before he proceeded with his part. “Anyway, I made this card for you. I hope it finds you well,” he announced before he pulled an envelope out of the inner pocket of his suit jacket.

Cautiously, I took the valentine’s card out of the envelope. Once I saw the front page, I couldn’t help but laugh. Jaemin must’ve done it himself, or he stole it from Jeno’s four-year-old niece. It was all covered in hearty stickers and glitter.

Jaemin definitely wasn’t a poet. He had never stood next to one, either.

Instead of a heartfelt apology and love confession, there was a short corny message which simultaneously made me cringe and chuckle.

Are you a ba-NANA? Cause I find you a-peeling.

From Your Love

P.S. it’s from me, your Jaemin

“You’ve really outdone yourself,” I spoke, shaking my head, trying my best not to grin. I was supposed to hate him, but it was too difficult. “I am gonna walk away now. Approach me once you raise the stakes.”

Although I didn’t want to party without Jaemin by my side, it was what I had to do. Having sent him a faint smile, I turned around and walked away, giving Jaemin some time to initiate part two of our plan.

Having drunk a few fancy shots Ten had made for me, we hit the dance floor. At first, we just jumped in the rhythm. However, when the DJ played the song we had practiced at the dance studio, everybody stepped to the side, making enough room to let us perform the choreography.

With alcohol coursing in my system, my moves weren’t as precise as usual – they still earned a round of applause.

“Hey, hey, hey, are you having fun?” Drunk as a skunk, Jaehyun shouted through the microphone connected to the DJ’s console. “How about we slow up the tempo?” Jaehyun yelled, and everybody cheered, making a lot of noise. “Tonight’s the love festival, and I, the valentine’s boy, specifically request every find a person to slow dance with.”

Having set the microphone aside, Jaehyun pushed DJ away from the console, putting on his Cigarettes After Sex playlist. The first song which graced our ears was Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You.

“Can I have this dance?” Jaemin appeared out of nowhere by my side, extending his hand for me to take. “Please?” He looked into my eyes, waiting for my response, looking hopeful.

As soon as I nodded, Jaemin grabbed my hand and gently pulled me against his firm body, resting his left hand on my back, holding me still, making sure I’d not run away. With my head resting against his chest, we swayed slowly, getting lost in our little world.

“They think I am a terrible person,” Jaemin whispered into my ear, his breath tickling my skin. “They seriously think I’d try to ruin our friendship with this bet,” he carried on, and I hummed, taking an inhale, getting hit with Jaemin’s musky cologne.

The boys truly underestimated the power of our friendship. Jaemin and I told each other almost everything. It was bold of them to assume I had no idea about the bet.

“Don’t worry about it,” I replied as I had closed my eyes, getting lost in the moment. “Everything will come back to normal soon enough,” I added, trying to ignore the bittersweet taste of my statement. Our fake relationship had an expiration date, and it was near.

“You’re right. Everything will come back to normal,” Jaemin repeated my words as he rested his chin on top of my head, pulling me even closer. “You’re the best fake girlfriend I’ve ever had,” he added, pressing an innocent peck against my hairline.

“How many fake girlfriends have you had?” I asked, chuckling, sounding a bit jealous.

“Anyway,” Jaemin started, trying to change the subject. “The guys took the bait. And now, judging by the stupid looks on their faces, they’re shitting their pants.”

“Once the song is over, we should initiate the third phase of our plan,” I commented, wanting to be over with this. In about a minute, I was about to pull Jaemin out of the dance floor and lead him to the bathroom upstairs, where we would do the deed.

When another song from Jaehyun’s playlist echoed in the room, all the other couples kept dancing. Jaemin and I, on the other hand, were about to not so discreetly sneak upstairs.

Unfortunately, we met an obstacle on our path.

It was Jaehyun, pointing his phone at our faces.

“It’s a kiss cam. Do what you gotta do,” he spoke, and I creased my forehead in utter confusion. What the hell was he doing? What the hell was a kiss cam? It was a frat party, not a baseball match. Didn’t he have a beer pong championship to win or something?

“What?”

“Do I really have to explain this to everyone? Jesus,” Jaehyun complained, taking a deep sigh, trying to ease his irritation. “It’s Valentine’s day! I am Valentine’s boy! And this is a kiss cam. You kiss, and I take pictures,” he explained, but I wasn’t convinced. “Hurry up! I have to take like 50 more of them.”

At first, I didn’t want to do it. But then, a thought crossed my mind. Who would believe Jaemin and I had sex if I refused to give him a kiss. It was just one kiss; it wouldn’t hurt.

Having licked my lips, I smiled at Jaemin before I wrapped my hands around his neck, giving him a chaste smooch. It lasted maybe a few seconds, but it still made me uneasy. Even if it was just a brief peck, it was too much for my poor heart.

“What the fuck was that?” Jaehyun groaned in disappointment. “One more time, guys. That’s how you kiss your mother, not your girlfriend. You can do better.”

“Show him how it’s done, Jaemin,” I encouraged him, giving him permission to assault my lips, hoping it would happen to be one hell of a performance.

Having smirked, Jaemin leaned forward, pressing his lips gently against mine. Cautiously, he deepened the kiss, knocking the air out of my lungs, making my legs shake under my weight. His hands held my chin in place as his tongue slipped through my lips.

Out of a sudden, nothing else mattered. Jaemin and I were in our bubble, and despite it being a one-time thing, I wished it lasted forever. Whatever expectations I had about this moment, it wasn’t even close to reality.

Jaehyun cleared his throat, wanting to pull us out of our trance. In vain, though. I moved my lips against Jaemin’s in slow sync, letting the sweet sensation strip me of the last remains of dignity. I was to savor every second of it, basking in bliss.

“Ekhem,” Jaehyun grunted, starting to feel a little bit flustered. “You guys done?”

Once we broke apart to take a breath, Jaehyun spoke again.

“Have you seen Jiwoo, by the way?”

“Yeah, I think she went for a smoke with Lucas,” I answered casually, watching panic display on Jaehyun’s face. It was evident he didn’t fancy the newfound information. “She went outside like half an hour ago, though. I wonder what it takes them so long,” I added, planting another grain of doubt in his subconscious.

As soon as anxiety downed on him, Jaehyun bolted outside. He better, though. If Jaehyun wasn’t going to make a move on Jiwoo tonight, I was about to find another guy to ship her with.

“You did it again,” Jaemin pointed out, and I just shrugged, dismissing his comment. So what? One push in the right direction wasn’t enough for Jaehyun to grow up, so I decided to be generous enough to give him a second chance.

“Are you ready for phase three?” I asked Jaemin, but before he managed to reply, I grabbed his hand, pulling him across the dance floor. Giggling, I ran through the sea of people, not so accidentally bumping into Chenle, almost spilling his beer.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” I hollered, giggling. Now, when I had Chenle’s attention, we could sneak upstairs to proceed with the final step of our plan. “Come on, Jaemin, let’s go. I am horny,” I added, probably overdoing my part. Unfortunately, the words were already spoken. I couldn’t take them back.

Having locked the bathroom doors behind us, I jumped onto the countertop. “Don’t you think it’s a bit creepy they’re gonna eavesdrop on us bang? It’s kinda off-putting, you know…”

When Jaemin wanted to speak, somebody knocked on the doors. It must’ve been one of Jaemin’s friends, checking if we were indeed fucking. “It’s occupied,” Jaemin hollered, mentioning for me to start my performance.

“Fuck, Jaemin! Eat me out, already,” I yelled, pressing my hands against my mouth, trying to stifle my laugher. This situation was ridiculous, and I couldn’t help myself but giggle. I had only a few drinks, yet I felt like I was high as a kite. “Yes, like that! Ahhh…”

“Can’t wait to fuck that tight hole,” Jaemin played along, almost dying of alcohol-induced tittering. We were definitely having too much fun.

“Right there, Jaemin!” I screamed, holding my stomach as it began aching due to excessive cackling. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, right there,” I moaned loudly, kicking my head back. “Don’t tease me, please!”

“I gotta get you ready for my cock, love,” Jaemin growled, and I gasped, my mind conjuring the forbidden image®.

“Just fuck me! I need your cock inside of me now!” I groaned, hoping whoever was on the other side of the doors heard enough of what was going inside. “Mmmm… you stretch me out so well…” I purred, almost falling off the counter when another round of uncontrollable laughter tried to erupt from my throat.

“Fuck, you’re still so tight.”

“Jaemin! Fuck, I am close. Keep going,” I yelled, mentally preparing for the big finale. This whole act was a vocal performance, and it was time I finished. “I’m coming! Come with me!”

“It was spectacular,” Jaemin whispered so only I could hear him. “I have one more favor, though,” he added, shying away. Oh no, he was about to ask about something stupid.

“What is it?”

“It could’ve been some random dude,” he admitted, scratching the back of his head, unsure how to voice his supplication. “Give me your panties. It’ll be the definite proof.”

“You’re joking,” I deadpanned, staring into his eyes, waiting for him to say it was just a harmless prank. “You’re serious,” I added as soon as I realized Jaemin meant it.

“Come on, I won’t be sniffing them,” Jaemin nagged, and I rolled my eyes. I didn’t even think about it, but now that he mentioned it, I had another reason not to comply with his weird-ass request. “I’ll give them back, I promise.”

“I can’t believe I am considering this,” I cursed under my breath. If any other person would like such a favor from me, I’d deny it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I had a soft spot for Jaemin, so denying him didn’t come easy to me.

Hell, I wouldn’t be here if I was able to say no to him.

“You owe me big time,” I caved in, jumping off the countertop, stepping behind the shower curtain, providing myself with some privacy. “Don’t peek. Even if I slip, you gotta stay on the other side. Got it?” I added as I stuck my head through the curtain.

“Scout’s honor,” Jaemin pledged, and I rolled my eyes. He was a scout for maybe a week. His honor didn’t mean shit.

Clumsily, I took off my shoes and jeans. “Here,” I warned before I threw my panties over the curtain. “I am too sober for this,” I nagged, trying to put my skinny jeans back on.

“Let’s do celebratory shots!” Jaemin suggested, balling up my undergarments, hiding them in his pocket. “We deserve it,” he added, landing me a helping hand when I was stepping out of the shower.

“Let’s go.”

***

Needless to say, Jaemin won the bet.

Unfortunately, it meant the inevitable end of our fake relationship. It was fun when it lasted, and though I’d miss these times, it was time to set the record straight.

As we had discussed, we had to arrange our break up.

Sometime next week, Jaemin stopped by to give me half of the prize. Since the boys had been stupid enough to fall for our little charade, I received a large sum of money. It was Chenle who sponsored the prize. Because of that, I didn’t feel particularly sorry about deceiving them. After all, Chenle was so loaded; he wouldn’t notice if he lost that kind of money on the street. I could finally buy these shoes which I had been dreaming of for so long! Better yet, I'd still have some money left to spoil myself some more.

“How should we do it?” Jaemin asked quietly. Ever since he came, he avoided my gaze, staring at the floor.

“I don’t know,” I unwillingly answered. This conversation was the last thing I wanted to do right now, but it had to be done. Better sooner or later, before I’d catch some real feelings for Jaemin. I had no idea how I would pick up the pieces of my broken heart if we kept this act any longer. “Let’s just delete all posts we published. Someone will figure out something’s wrong, and when they spread the word, we’ll explain we decided to remain friends.”

Maybe I wasn’t in tears, but I felt regret wash through me. Though our relationship had never been a real thing, it felt like it.

And it hurt.

“Alright then,” Jaemin complied, rubbing his hands against his thighs before he pulled out his phone to erase any digital footprint of our brief romance. His thumb hovered over the delete button for a while. After a few moments of hesitation, when he didn’t hear any sign of protest from my side, he pressed it, sending our memories to a bottomless void. “And it’s gone.”

“Are we cool?” I asked, hoping that nothing would change between us. I had a hunch it would take me some time to get used to how things had been before the relationship fiasco. Nonetheless, I still had hope we could remain best friends without any awkwardness.

“Of course,” Jaemin answered with a faint smile, but I didn’t fully believe him. Something was off, and it bothered us. Shame that none of us dared to begin this topic.

After he left that day, we saw each other very seldom. We barely even spoke to one another. If it wasn’t for the group chats we were both in, we wouldn’t talk at all.

Jaemin had said we were cool, but it was evident we weren’t.

It was eating me from the inside out, but whenever somebody asked me about the break-up, I’d always shrug it off, confirming everything’s great. I would tell our friends nothing changed between us. There was nothing wrong; our schedules are just incompatible these days.

When I had pretended I was in a relationship with Jaemin, it was easy. It came naturally, and everyone ate it up without any second thoughts. Unfortunately, now, when I was trying to play it cool, no one seemed to buy it. Thankfully, they didn’t confront me about it. Instead, they offered me their support if I ever needed anything.

In my head, I had a few wild scenarios in which I tell Jaemin we should date for real. However, at the same time, a little devil on my shoulder was telling me it should never leave the realm of fantasy. It’s ridiculous to think Jaemin would reciprocate my feelings.

I felt as if sadness took over my body. Though I was smiling on the outside, I was filled with regret. Barely anything sparked joy these gloomy days. Even this pair of shoes, which I wanted so badly, didn’t stir any positive emotion. I bought them, but I never took them out of the box.

Jiwoo had taken me out on a few girls’ nights to make me feel better. Men are trash – she would always say when Jaehyun ignored her yet another text. Even though they had fucked each other at Jaehyun’s birthday party and agreed to become exclusive, Jaehyun still had lots of problems committing to a monogamous relationship. They hadn’t officially labeled it, but everyone knew Jaehyun was slowly caving in.

Fratboys’ habits die hard, but Jaehyun was finally shaping himself into boyfriend material. He no longer slept around, as far to my knowledge at least, but he still lacked in some departments. For instance, it would take him way too much to text back.

“You were so adorable together,” Jiwoo began after she gulped down another rum and coke. Despite her high alcohol tolerance, she was already drunk, speaking with no filter. “I mean… you were simping for him for so long, and you finally managed to jump that dick.”

“Your point being…” I inquired, finishing my drink. Though Jaemin and I had never had sex, I didn’t want to admit that. What would Jiwoo thought if I told her it was all-pretend?

“I shipped you guys so hard,” Jiwoo confessed. “Ten shipped you too, but he will never admit that,” she added, and I giggled. Now, that was an interesting take. Ten was so random at many aspects of life; it came to me as a surprise he even had an opinion on my relationship with Jaemin. “Can I just take some duck tape and put my ship back together?”

“I am not sure Jaemin would like that,” I answered with a sigh, my mood instantly decreasing.

“Nonsense,” Jiwoo replied in a heartbeat. “This guy is even worse than you,” she revealed, and I rolled my eyes, not buying this. At least a few times a week, at my lowest moments, I happened to check Jaemin’s social media updates. He didn’t seem to mope around at all.

“I find it hard to believe,” I muttered, trying not to get too emotional.

“I mean it,” Jiwoo confirmed her previous statement, eager to explain her thesis. “Jaehyun and I went on a little date to the coffee shop where Jaemin works,” she started, and I nodded, not really sure what she was getting at. Nonetheless, I let her continue. I was curious what Jaemin had been up to. And since he didn’t seem to want to tell me anything himself, I’d accept any type of second-hand information from Jiwoo. “Jaemin misses you. You have no idea how many times I caught him daydreaming. He still has your photo set on his lock screen, and he stares at it a lot.”

Now, that’s interesting.

I had no recollection of Jaemin ever setting my photo as his background picture. Even if Jiwoo was right, it meant he set after we had broken up. It made no sense at all, and I was too drunk to try to comprehend the meaning of this.

Instead, I ordered another round, trying to stifle all the brooding emotions within me.

***

February was the month of parties. Too many birthdays fell during this hectic period, and I had trouble keeping up with them. Fortunately, Ten’s party was the last one of the month. After a small get together at our place, I’d have some time off to relax by myself, most preferably, without alcohol.

Being the semi-hosts with Jiwoo, it was our duty to help Ten organize everything regarding his party. Though our trio was a little bit disorganized, somehow, we managed to get everything ready before anyone arrived.

Maybe it wasn’t comparable to birthday parties at fraternity houses; it still had its charm. It wasn’t as wild, but guests still were having a great time in the company of their closest friends. However, what was the most important, Ten had a blast.

It was his day; he deserved everything he wanted.

Trying my best not to embarrass Ten, I decided to socialize with his friends.

It was time I move on. It took me way too long to mourn a relationship that wasn’t even real. I couldn’t let my brooding mood ruin the party.

“Hmm… Ten has never mentioned you before,” I confessed, not finding it particularly odd. Ten didn’t have secretive nature; he just wasn’t the type of person to over-share. And he often forgot to even mention stuff about his personal life.

“I can’t say I am surprised,” Hendery replied, making me giggle. It was fun chatting with him. Hendery was hilarious, and he knew many secrets regarding Ten. It was my mission to get as much information from him as it was possible. I would need it for blackmailing purposes, of course.

Hiding out in the kitchen, we sipped beer and exchanged rumors as if we were two gossip girls. It was too entertaining to stop. I was incredibly immersed in the conversation; I didn’t even realize when someone tapped my shoulder.

“Can we talk?” I heard the question, recognizing the voice in an instant. It belonged to Jaemin, and it seemed to be laced with both jealousy and irritation. The way he phased his plea gave me flashbacks of the conversation we had at Jaehyun’s party.

I really wanted to continue my discussion with Hendery, but I couldn’t say no to Jaemin. It wasn’t how my brain was programmed. Besides, I missed him a lot.

“Excuse me, I’ll be right back,” I told Hendery before I grabbed Jaemin’s hand, leading him to my room, locking the doors behind us.

“Nothing was supposed to change,” Jaemin started as he sat at the edge of my bed, leaning forward with his upper body propped on his elbows. His gaze was trained on the floor, too frustrated to look up at me.

“I know,” I whispered as I sat down in my chair on the other side of the room. My first instinct was to kneel in front of Jaemin, kiss his forehead, and assure him that everything’s going to be alright.

Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like a good idea, so I refrained from doing so. “I am sorry, it’s my fault.”

“Don’t,” Jaemin interjected before I embarrassed myself even further. “We’re both at fault.”

Despite the loud party noises coming from the other side of the doors, my bedroom was filled with deafening silence. It was awfully uncomfortable, and it was probably a good thing. One of us would get annoyed eventually and cave in, letting out all the bottled up emotions.

“I missed you,” I admitted, staring at my hands. I was all fidgety, and although I was too embarrassed to reveal my inner feelings, Jaemin deserved to know this much.

“I missed you, too,” he genuinely confessed, showing me a shy smile. “Actually, I missed you more than I thought it was possible to miss a person,” Jaemin carried on, and I held my breath, not ready to hear whatever he had to say. “You have no idea how much I wanted to text you or call you, but ultimately decided not to because I was sure you don’t want me to.”

“Jaemin,” I spoke, not really sure what I should say next. I had too many things I wanted to tell him about. However, now when he was here, I couldn’t properly voice my thoughts.

“Are you dating this guy you were talking to in the kitchen?” Jaemin asked out of the blue, catching me off guard with this random accusation. “Or do you want to date him? You two looked like you’re having a great time together,” he added, and I rolled my eyes. At first, Jaemin acted on his jealously, but then, insecurity crept in.

“I don’t know. I met Hendery today, but he seems like a great guy,” I answered honestly, thinking of possibilities of me trying to pursing something of romantic nature with Hendery. After our brief encounter, I could tell he’s fun to be around. And honestly speaking, I might’ve considered dating him if I hadn’t already had feelings for someone else.

Unfortunately, right now, I wasn’t in the right state of mind to date. Not when I was still hung up on my best friend.

“I probably won’t, though. I like somebody else,” I confessed, gaining Jaemin’s interest. Instantly, he sat up, staring into my eyes, patiently waiting for the reveal. “I am stupid, but I like this one guy. He’s such a jerk, I can’t even… he’s been ghosting me for weeks now,” I carried on, hoping Jaemin would get the hint.

Two weeks ago, we promised each other nothing would change. Despite our good intentions, it did. Even though I hadn’t told Jaemin how I really felt, I still lost my best friend.

My silence didn’t save this friendship. I tried to bottle up my emotions to secure our unbreakable bond. It didn’t work, so I figured confessing my feelings wouldn’t do any more harm. Surely, Jaemin was going to reject me, but at least, I’d clear the air between us.

Hopefully, my confession, followed by a harsh rejection, would help me move on.

Instantly, Jaemin ran up to my chair and knelt in front of me, trying to look into my eyes. “Please tell me this jerk is me,” Jaemin urgently spoke, unable to handle any more suspense. Jaemin’s gaze was hopeful, and it was too much for me to comprehend.

“What?” I asked, still being overwhelmed by confusion. What was going on? Why was Jaemin on his knees in front of me? Nothing made sense. How was I supposed to wrap my head around it? “I mean… yeah, it’s you. Who else could it be?”

“You have no idea how sorry I am,” Jaemin confessed as he grabbed my hand and yanked me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me, giving me a tight hug. “You could’ve said something… anything,” he added as he pulled back his head, placing a chase kiss against my forehead.

“I didn’t want to scare you away,” I admitted quietly, unable to break free from Jaemin’s cone-crashing embrace. I couldn’t believe he was so close. Na Jaemin was holding me in his arms, letting me listen to his rapid heartbeat.

“The worst two weeks of my life,” Jaemin spoke, once again breaking the silence. “It felt at least like two centuries,” he added, making me chuckle. Of course, it was an exaggeration, but it’s how I felt, too.

“How about we start over?” I proposed, taking a step backward to have a proper look at him. “Will you go on a date with me? This time around for real, no pretending,” I carried on, trying not to grin like an idiot.

“No.”

“What?”

What the fuck was that?

Did I misunderstand Jaemin’s words? I thought he felt the same, but apparently, he didn’t? Everything suggested he followed my flow only to crush my expectations, later on, leaving a big ass scar and more trust issues.

“I mean yes, but I should be me asking you out. Definitely not the other way around,” Jaemin clarified, making me relax. Thankfully, my mini panic attack was uncalled for. It was just my brain over-analyzing everything, conjuring the worst possible scenario.

“Then you better do your best to woo me,” I teased, wondering if he was willing enough to take the bait. It was just a mere joke, reminding me how it all began. He had wooed me once, and I wasn’t going to oppose to a second attempt. “Fun dates, romantic messages, silly gifts. I want it all,” I added, going a little bit overboard with my request list.

“Everything can be arranged,” Jaemin replied with a lopsided smile before he tightened his grip, almost crashing my bones in the process.

***

Jaemin and I began dating. This time around, it was real; no more pretending, no more stupid bets. Just two people who had discovered friendship could never be enough.

Even though I had told Jaemin I was just joking about this whole wooing thing, he refused to accept it, going to extreme lengths to make my heart flutter. I was already stupidly in love with him, yet he kept trying to make me swoon even more.

Despite our busy schedules, we made sure to see each other every day. It could’ve been a date at the arcade or just a quick coffee or a video call. In all honestly, I gladly accepted any form of contact from Jaemin.

I hated the prospect of going through a day without any message from him.

Except for many mini and maxi dates, Jaemin would also spoil me with plenty of encouraging notes of many kinds. Each massage from Jaemin was even sillier from the previous one. He never ceased to amaze me.

At first, Jaemin would stick post-it notes in different places in my room. Whenever I paid no attention, he would quickly write one for me to find it later. Whenever I saw sleep tight message stuck to my bedpost or you looked extra sexy today attached to the mirror, I smiled like an idiot, imaging Jaemin writing it.

If Jaemin forgot about post-it notes, he would always make it up to me by sending me corny direct messages. We would always text each other before sleep, and Jaemin never failed to make me smile with words such as:

If you happen to have wet dreams of me, you gotta tell me everything that happened. We can recreate it later.

I saw some sexy lingerie on my way home. Your ass would look amazing in it. I’m gonna buy it for you when I get my paycheck.

You’re the reason I wake up in the morning. Just kidding, I have to pee.

Whenever we went out, Jaemin would also scribble something either on a napkin or on a receipt. One time, Jaemin even gave a crumbled piece of paper that he was carrying in his pocket for some reason.

You know I’d give you my kidney, right? And a piece of the liver if you ask nicely. I hope you would do the same for me.

When we have kids, I’ll let you name the first one. Don’t fuck it up.

You’re my favorite pain in the ass.

You are stuck with me. You better get used to it.

Messy notes weren’t sufficient for Jaemin. Although I was more than content with the attention and affection he was giving me, it wasn’t enough for Jaemin. With each massage, he had to out-do himself.

Jaemin even wrote me a song! Or at least, he tried to write me a song.  It was really bold of him to assume I didn’t know the lyrics to Jonas Brothers’ Sucker. I loved this song, and even though I perfectly knew it wasn’t Jaemin’s piece of work, I still appreciated the gesture.

Later on, his love letters reached another level of ridiculousness. Jaemin sent me a love e-mail, and if that doesn’t prove how extra he can get, I don’t know what can.

Jaemin didn’t stop there. No, it was just a warm-up.

When I was checking the mailbox, I found a paper plane stuck in between bills. Jaemin must’ve put it there, probably after one of his frequent visits to my apartment. Though the paper plane was a little bit crumbled, I found it incredibly adorable. On its wing, it had “open me” written with Jaemin’s messy handwriting. Inside there was a corny message that turned my insides in absolute cringe.

Your wings already exist. All you have to do is fly.

A few days later, Jaemin gave me a CD with the love playlist he had made for me. Carefully, he had chosen our favorite songs and burned them on a disc. I had no means to actually play it, but I adored the gesture.

Jaemin’s creativity did not disappoint. At this point, he might send me a love letter via a fax machine, and I wouldn’t be surprised. There were no limitations to his imagination, and it was one of the many things I loved about him.

Neither of us dropped the L-bomb yet, but we really didn’t need to. Though that dreaded word has yet to be spoken, we perfectly knew how we felt about each other. We would do anything for one another; no doubt in that.

Having exceeded my expectations, Jaemin proved himself worthy of being my boyfriend. Or rather, he showed me he was way out of my league. When he was bending over backward, I was passively basking in the glory of Jaemin’s confessions. Relationships were about giving and taking, and it seemed our balance was off.

It was time we switched roles. It was only fair if I tried to creep my way into his heart the way he had been wooing mine.

As soon as I cleaned up the apartment and pampered myself a little bit, I pulled out my phone, quickly texting Jaemin. Hopefully, he wasn’t that busy.

my love 💖 | 18:12 | U want to come over?

baNANA 🍓 | 18:16 | 😏

baNANA 🍓 | 18:16 | You miss me???

my love 💖 | 18:17 |  🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡

my love 💖 | 18:17 | nvm forget I asked

baNANA 🍓 | 18:17 | 😧 😧 😧

baNANA 🍓 | 18:18 | I’ll be in an hour

baNANA 🍓 | 18:18 | want me to bring anything?

my love 💖 | 18:19 | nah, just get your cute butt over here

baNANA 🍓 | 18:19 | ?????

baNANA 🍓 | 18:19 | are you high??

baNANA 🍓 | 18:19 | should I be concerned?

Okay, I had an hour to prepare something for our impromptu date. It was fine; it was more than enough than I needed. The apartment was already clean, so I just had to whip something to eat and cool the bubbles.

For some reason, I felt in a celebratory mood. Whatever tempo Jaemin and I had, it worked in two week periods. We had fake-dated for fourteen days before we called it quits. Then, we didn’t talk to each other for two weeks. Tonight another period came by, and I wanted to celebrate it, hoping to break the unfortunate chain of bad luck.

The alcohol was already in the refrigerator. Having put on an apron, I opened all the cabinets around the kitchen, quickly analyzing the ingredients and what I can make out of them. It wasn’t much, but pasta would have to be enough.

It wasn’t a fancy dish, but I was made it with love, so Jaemin shouldn’t have any complaints. Pouring my emotions into the pasta was to make it extra flavorful.

When the sauce was slowly cooking on the stove, I decorated the table. I wanted to provide Jaemin with some high-end restaurant experience despite being in my cramped apartment. It was the best thing out of two words; we had all privacy in the world offered by a homely atmosphere, but at the same time, we would eat some beautifully garnished food.

Just when I was about to drain the pasta, someone knocked on the doors.

“Coming,” I hollered before I put the pot in the sink, wiping my hands on the apron before making my way to answer the doors. “Hey there, beautiful,” I greeted Jaemin with a playful remark, standing on my toes to press a brief smooch on his adorable lips. It took him off guard, but in some sense, he liked it.

“Hey, it’s my line,” Jaemin nagged when his hands found purchase on my hips, bringing me closer for another kiss since one was never enough. “What do you have there? It smells delicious,” Jaemin turned his head, trying to peek inside to see what surprise I had prepared for him.

“You know, just some carbs,” I answered vaguely, sending him a playful smirk, not wanting to ruin the surprise. I wanted him to sit down at the table and wait for me to bring the whole dish and pour us some cheap champagne.

Jaemin took off his shoes, kicking them to the side. A second later, he handed me his coat, and I put it on the hanger. Jaemin was wearing a pair of gray jeans and a mint oversized hoodie, and I drooled over this comfortable look. He didn’t have to try hard to impress me.

“Just wait here. I’ll be back in a sec,” I spoke when I guided Jaemin to the table, forcing him to sit down in the chair. Jaemin wanted to help me out in the kitchen, but I firmly refused. Tonight I wished to impress Jaemin; he didn’t have to move a finger.

“I know it’s not much, but I hope you’ll still like it,” I whispered when I put a plate in front of him. “Dig in,” I added as I sat on the other side of the table, carefully trying to pop the champagne bottle open. Though I hated doing it, too afraid of breaking something or hurting someone, tonight I wanted to try it.

“What’s the occasion,” Jaemin wondered as he fondly watched me fight with the bottle. “Do you need some help? You’re gonna hurt yourself,” Jaemin offered, genuinely concerned about my safety. However, I just turned around, wanting to finish it by myself.

It took me good five minutes to pop it. And when I finally did it, Jaemin gave me a round of pitiful applause, officially declaring it’s his job from now on.

“It was just painful to watch,” Jaemin playfully commented, and I kicked his shin under the table, showing him how much appreciated his remark was. “So… what’s the occasion?”

“Do I really need to have a reason to spoil my boyfriend?” I innocently asked, batting my eyelashes, and Jaemin smiled at the word boyfriend. We had never discussed labels, but it was self-explanatory we were in a loving relationship. “I figured it’d be nice to give you some more attention,” I absentmindedly added as I reached for my phone to play some soft EDM music through the Bluetooth speaker.

“Is that it?” Jaemin wondered, gazing into my eyes, searching for any ulterior motive I might have. “Are you sure you’re not trying to butter me up before you say something I may not like? What did you do?” Jaemin inquired, and I chuckled loudly.

“Calm down, Na,” I spoke, making Jaemin look up at me once again. I only called him by his surname when I was extra affectionate, so he was curious what I was going to say. “I just wanted to hang out with you. That’s all,” I confessed, but Jaemin scrutinized his eyes, not really buying my innocent talk. “Okay, fine. There’s one more thing.”

“What is it?” Jaemin inquired, grinning at me.

“Can’t you already tell? I am trying to woo my way into your pants, duh,” I confessed, and Jaemin choked on his champagne as he did not expect this wording. “Your heart! I meant to say into your heart,” I corrected when I realized my little Freudian slip. “Wait, no, screw it. I second that. I want to get into both.”

“You’ve already got into one,” Jaemin declared with a lopsided smirk pinned to his face. “But... if you don’t suspect it already, you’re welcome in both,” he added mischievously, taking a sip of his alcohol. I, on the other hand, looked away, feeling the heat in my cheeks.

“Good to know.”

“Where are Jiwoo and Ten by the way?” Jaemin wondered as he looked around the apartment, finding it suspicious they didn’t crash our date yet. Under typical circumstances, Jiwoo or Ten would haul another chair to the table and steal the food, third-wheeling our date.

“Ten is at the dance studio. He’s having a dance competition next week, so he goes there every time he has some free time to practice. And Jiwoo is with Jaehyun. He came here to pick her up a few hours ago. I don’t think either of them is coming home anytime soon,” I explained, smirking. We had the place to ourselves.

Finally, we could bask in each other’s company without any intrusive guests.

“I’d like to cheers to that,” Jaemin raised his glass, clinking it gently against mine.

Having eaten the food, we moved to the couch.

“What now?” Jaemin asked as he stretched his arm, resting it on the back of the couch right over my shoulders.

“I have one more surprise,” I announced before I jumped to my feet. “Wait a second,” I added before bolting to my bedroom.

“What is it?” Jaemin inquired, having no clue what else I could surprise him with. “What do you have there?” He pressed, tilting his head to the side, trying to see what I was hiding behind my back.

“Let’s take some pictures,” I announced in excitement, showing him my Polaroid camera. “I finally bought some film, and I really want our photo in my wallet,” I added as I plopped down onto the couch, resting my head against Jaemin’s chest. “You take it,” I ordered, handing him the camera. After all, he was the prodigy of photography. Besides, his hands were longer than mine.

“I think that’s more than enough,” Jaemin spoke after snapping the twelfth picture.

Having put the camera on the coffee table, he wrapped his arms around me. Jaemin pulled me on his laps, embracing me tightly, placing a round of pecks against my temple.

“Wait! One more thing,” I hollered, leaning forward to reach for the envelope which was lying on the coffee table next to our photos.

“You can’t say it’s the last thing and then bring another one. That’s not how it works,” Jaemin nagged, a little flustered that I managed to find another excuse when he wanted to cuddle. “Who are you? A fitness instructor? When you say it’s the last one, it should be the last one. You can’t come up with new ones every three minutes.”

“I promise it’s the last one,” I sat cross-legged on the couch beside him, handing him the envelope. Cautiously, he pulled the card out of it, and I looked at him, studying his expression in excitement.

“Annoyingly, I like you way more than I’d originally planned,” Jaemin read the cover of the card, smiling widely at the passive-aggressive message. “It’s already good, and I didn’t even read what you wrote inside,” he commented before he leaned forward to kiss my forehead. “I don’t get it,” he added in confusion as he saw the blank page inside the card.

“It’s my love letter for you,” I clarified, but Jaemin was still clueless.

“It’s a blank page. You really have that little to say?” Jaemin asked, trying to make sense out of my card.

“That’s not how you were supposed to interpret that!” I yelled, climbing on his laps, wanting to tear the card out of his ungrateful hands. Unfortunately, Jaemin’s hands were longer than mine, so even when I was hovering over his thighs, I couldn’t reach it.

“How was I supposed to interpret that then?” Jaemin challenged, holding my hips, forcing them down on his laps.

“I wanted to write something meaningful, but I just couldn’t decide what. I have so many things I want to tell you, it wouldn’t even fit on the card,” I started, trying to find the best way to form a coherent sentence. “One way to interpret it is that you have to imagine it’s written in a very tiny font. Because I have so much to tell you, I wrote everything down, but you just can’t read it.”

“I like it,” Jaemin whispered, pressing a gentle kiss against my knuckles.

“Or you can say it’s blank because whenever I’m with you, my head is completely empty,” I added, chuckling at the corny confession. “Or you can assume there are no words to describe my feelings for you.”

“How is it possible that without writing anything, you managed to top all of my love letters?” Jaemin wondered, smiling at me. “What kind of sorcery is this?”

“No, Jaemin. You’re not giving yourself enough credit. I loved your love letters. They were silly, but at the same time, I could feel you really meant everything,” I reasoned, looking down at Jaemin’s lips, slowly leaning in for a delicate kiss.

“Okay, I have an idea,” Jaemin suddenly spoke as he grabbed my butt and threw me off his laps. “I need a pen,” he added, looking around the living room, finding the pen on the coffee table. In a hurry, he scribbled down something on the blank page of the card, making sure I couldn’t peek. “Here, I found my way to interpret it.”

“Oh?”

“Yes,” Jaemin answered confidently, handing me the card. “Read it out loud for me.”

“Okay, I guess,” I cleared my throat before I opened the card. “My beloved Jaemin,” I read, looking at Jaemin’s face with a raised eyebrow. This was going to be good.

“Carry on,” he urged, and I shook my head, unable to believe I was going to do it.

“You’re the most handsome man I have ever seen. You’re also the smartest and the funniest. Not to mention, you’re the best kisser in the world. What the fuck is this?” I interjected, having doubts, knowing it was a bad idea.

“Just keep reading, babe,” Jaemin ordered, wanting me to carry on with his antics. “Though you’re no poet, it’s, by a huge margin, the best love letter I have ever received,” he added, blowing his ego way out of proportion, and I rolled my eyes.

“Now, when I look at you, I understand there’s not a chance I wouldn’t fall for you. So, since there’s not much space left, I just wanna tell you that I love you. I really love you, Jaemin.”

Before I managed to complain that he forced me to say the L-word first, Jaemin interjected.

“Finally, took you long enough,” he teased, and I sighed, wondering where to hit him first. “As if you haven’t figured it out yet, I love you, too.”

“You’re impossible,” I commented, still not quite sure if we just confessed to each other.

“I’m impossible not to fall in love with,” Jaemin corrected, once again hauling me back on his laps, taking my breath away with a fervent kiss. “How about you show me how you want to get into my pants, babe?”

Having had enough of Jaemin’s teasing, I decided not to comply with his request.

“I think you should go.”

“You’re right,” Jaemin agreed too quickly, and it made me alert. “Let’s go to your room because once I start pounding into you, I will not stop even if a group of nuns was about to break in and steal all of your shit,” he added as he picked me up, carrying me to my bedroom.

“You’re impossible,” I repeated my words when Jaemin threw me onto my bed before he landed on it right beside me.

“I think we’ve already discussed this,” he remarked, reminding me of the remark he had given me earlier. “So… where were we?” Jaemin asked as he put his hand on my side, pulling me closer. Soon enough, his palm slipped under the hem of my shirt, caressing my skin.

“Is it weird that the only thing I can think about is you eating me out?” I wondered out loud, stripped of all remains of dignity. Jaemin was in my bed, and I was planning on taking full advantage of it.

“Not at all, love,” Jaemin replied, showing me his eager smile. Quickly, he sat on his calves between my legs, taking his time to take off my jeans. “I thought about eating you out way too often ever since that thing in the bathroom,” Jaemin confessed as he threw my jeans across the room.

Though my panties were still on, Jaemin began his teasing. His soft lips trailed across my thighs, driving me crazy. His lips touched every inch of my skin except for the area I wanted the most. At this point, my panties were dripping wet, yet he didn’t even think of pulling them to the side, giving attention to my much-ignored core.

“You’re killing me,” I whispered, slowly losing patience. If Jaemin kept up with his antics, I’d combust out of sexual frustration. “Bold of you to assume I won’t let you taste your own medicine,” I warned Jaemin. It worked because as soon as I voiced my mischievous threat, Jaemin’s finger hooked under the hem of my panties, quickly pulling them down my legs.

“You’re no fun at all,” Jaemin clarified before his lips finally landed on my clit, making me buckle my hips in an instant. Slowly, his mouth moved against my sweet spot, and I arched my back with each swirl of his tongue.

Though he barely started, I could feel the electricity coursing through my body. In my state of permanent frustration, it wouldn’t be difficult for Jaemin to make me come against his mouth.

Getting into it, Jaemin squeezed my hips, trying to keep me still when he ate me out. His jaw was dripping in my juices as he made his way down to lick my folds.

“Fuck,” I moaned loudly when Jaemin’s nose rubbed my clit when he was running his tongue all over my entrance. “I think I am gonna come,” I admitted what made Jaemin smirk through the kiss. Jaemin barely touched me, but I was already close.

“Come for me,” Jaemin urged, releasing my hips from his firm grip. Now when I could buckle my hips against his face, my orgasm was just seconds away. With my hand in his hair, I rocked my hips, basking in pleasure.

“I need your fingers,” I begged, and Jaemin quickly obeyed my shameful plea. I expected him to tease me further, denying me his long fingers, but he was kind enough to do anything to make me come.

Thanks to my juices and Jaemin’s saliva, his two fingers slid right in.

“Fuck,” I shouted at the top of my voice when the wave of pleasure shot right through me. Jaemin’s jaw still played with my clit as he continued his actions throughout the orgasm.

“You blew my mind, Jaemin,” I muttered after I regained my focus after he had made me come on his face. “I came so hard,” I confessed, smiling like an idiot. It was way too long ever since someone made me feel this good.

“You better get used to it because I am planning this to be a frequent occurrence,” Jaemin whispered, looking at my face as if it was an art piece. “Do you have condoms?” he casually asked as he pulled down his jeans. His erected cock was restrained in the denim fabric, and Jaemin needed to get rid of it.

“As a matter of fact, I do,” I replied as I opened the bedside table and threw a brand new package of condoms at Jaemin’s chest. “Jiwoo got me those after she walked on our pillow fight the other day. Apparently, she doesn’t want any cum stains on the couch.”

For a while, we were lying on the bed, staring at each other. Jaemin gave me some time to recover from my orgasm. According to him, I needed to take breaks because he didn’t want to over-stimulate me too soon.

“I really love you,” Jaemin confessed genuinely, and I quickly rolled closer to him, giving him another chase smooch. His confession was music to my ears, and I could listen to it on repeat without getting tired of it.

“I love you, too,” I quickly replied, leaning in for another kiss. With his hand on my cheek, he deepened the kiss, giving us another chance to get lost in the love trance.

Having thrown my leg over his hipbone, I hovered over his erection.

“Let me take care of you,” I said as I pulled away from the kiss. With a playful smirk upon my face, I grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. Slowly after, my bra followed suit, and Jaemin grunted upon seeing me completely naked in front of him.

“Sexy,” he purred before he eagerly took off his hoodie, throwing it onto the floor. “On a second thought, maybe you should put something on. You’re too sexy, and I’d like to last longer,” Jaemin explained, handing me his hoodie so I could cover myself up. “No, it’s even worse. Take it off,” he changed his mind after seeing me in his clothes.

Carefully, I pulled Jaemin’s boxers down his legs, letting his rock hard cock spring free. Biting on my lips, I grabbed his erection, giving it a few gentle strokes.

“Fuck it, I am ready,” Jaemin yelled, placing his hand over mine, making me stop. “You have all the time in the world to blow me. Right now, I want to feel you,” he added, quickly pulling out a condom from its packaging.

“Let me at least roll it down for you,” I offered, and Jaemin sighed, weighing his options.

“Nah, I am not willing to take that risk,” Jaemin answered, proceeding to wrap his cock by himself. “Now, come here, sit down on it,” he urged, and I shook my head. Smiling like an idiot, I guided his cock towards my entrance, slowly sinking down on his length.

“You’re good?” I asked, trying to guess what was going on inside his brain. Judging by his sour expression, he must’ve been thinking about something terrible in order to stop himself from coming too soon.

“Yes, everything’s cool,” he reassured, and I took it as permission to gently rock my hips back and forth. Whenever I moved, Jaemin kept grunting quietly. Apparently, he also suffered from sexual frustration.

My hands were wandering all over his muscular chest, admiring his athletic built. My hips were moving at a steady rhythm, but whenever I happened to increase the tempo, Jaemin would slow me down with a firm grip on my hips.

“If you keep doing that, I might spank you,” Jaemin warned me, but it only made me want to disobey more. “Why did I even expect you to be a good girl?” Jaemin asked, rolling his eyes.

“Spank me,” I ordered, trying my best not to chuckle. “I dare you,” I added, pushing the right buttons. “Like that,” I moaned when Jaemin’s hand collided against my butt, shaking me with newfound excitement.

“You’re impossible,” Jaemin comment, still in shock after discovering how much into spanking I happened to be.

“I’m impossible not to fall in love with,” I remarked, using Jaemin’s own words against him.

Unable to handle my teasing, Jaemin sat up. “I love you so much,” Jaemin stated once again before he looked at my lips, kissing them. Now, when I was distracted by his tongue, it was easier for him to control my movement.

In our upgraded position, I significantly slowed down. Carefully, I moved up and down Jaemin’s cock, while he sneaked his hand between our entangled bodies, rubbing my clit. I was close, and I was about to come again.

I didn’t know what he was so self-conscious about. No doubt I would come first.

“Jaemin, I am coming,” I breathed out, messing up my rhythm. It was difficult to maintain the same tempo when Jaemin was playing with my clit. Jaemin’s lips moved down my neck, finding a perfect spot on my collarbone to leave a hickey.

“Me, too,” Jaemin whispered as he began thrusting from underneath me, now desperate to push the both of us off the edge. “You’re so tight, fuck,” he cursed as my walls started to swell around his throbbing cock.

Jaemin moaned against my skin, muffling his sinful sounds. I, on the other hand, screamed Jaemin’s name at the top of my voice, telling everybody in the world he was the person, making me feel this good.

Having fallen onto the sheets, we looked into each other’s eyes. We were panting as if we just ran a marathon. Not that I had any doubts, but Jaemin turned out to be a passionate lover, and it made me love him even more.

“You’re beautiful,” Jaemin complimented me, staring at my face in utter admiration. “I am so lucky,” he added, and I moved closer, snuggling up to him. It was still early, but I was so fucked out, I could fall asleep right there in his arms.

Having pulled me closer to his chest, Jaemin threw a duvet over our sweaty bodies. His fingers were tracing shapes on my shoulder when he pressed yet another peck against my temple.

“Are you down for another round?” Jaemin asked as he discarded the full condom. His cock was still semi-hard. In a few minutes, Jaemin would be ready for some more. “It’s cool if you’re not,” he added, trying not to put any pressure on me.

“I want you to do me all night,” I confessed, looking over my shoulder at the clock. It’s only 8 pm, and I could stay up till daylight with Jaemin.

“Do you want to go bowling tomorrow?” Jaemin asked, and I eagerly nodded. It was fun the last time I had joined the boys on their monthly trip to the bowling alley. Besides, I would be the first woman to break the unfortunate one-time-only curse. I couldn’t wait to show up two months in a row.

“I’d love that,” I answered, snuggling closer to Jaemin’s side.

In content, we basked in happiness until Jaemin regained enough energy to go for the third time. However, this time around, it was slow and steamy. Under the covers, Jaemin crawled on top of me, kissing every inch of my body.

“Do you want to roll it down on me? I think I can handle that,” Jaemin asked, and I reached for the condom, carefully rolling it down his length. “I wish I could fuck you without one, though,” he added, and I flicked his forehead, making him whine. “I’ll pull out.”

“I trust you, but it’s still a no from me,” I replied, guiding his cock into my entrance. Inch by inch, Jaemin pushed himself all the way in. “You fill me up so well,” I praised, purring into his ear. “I love your cock.”

Distance between our bodies was practically nonexistent. Jaemin was slowly snapping his hips, rubbing his pelvic bone against my clit, turning me into a moaning mess. I wouldn’t be surprised if my neighbors called the police because of all the noise coming from my bedroom.

“One day, you’ll let me fuck you raw. I’ll make sure you do,” Jaemin carried on, and I hissed, feeling the approaching orgasm. I didn’t even bother to comment on Jaemin’s statement. I was whipped for him. I knew I wasn’t able to maintain my assertive stance for long. Eventually, I’d cave in, letting him fuck me without a condom. It wasn’t today, though.

“In your dreams, lover boy,” I answered, but Jaemin just giggled, knowing I wasn’t serious.

“You have no idea how many times we’ve done it raw in my dreams,” Jaemin confessed as he picked up his pace, pounding into my pussy, making me moan at the sudden speed. “One day, I’ll tell you all about my fantasies, but right now, I really want this pussy to cream around my cock,” he added, his filthy words making my walls squeeze around his length.

“You wait until I tell you mine,” I challenged with a smirk. If Jaemin thought he was the only one with a dirty mind, he was seriously mistaken. While most of my fantasies were PG-13, there was still a large portion of naughty scenarios. Now, when Jaemin and I were finally together, it would be fun to try to recreate at least some of them.

“You better come because I can’t go much longer,” Jaemin warned me, pounding in and out, chasing his own release. “Fuck,” he yelled, falling on top of me as he shot his load into the condom. His cock twitched inside of me as he moved slowly, riding out his orgasm.

“Jaemin,” I hollered, coming undone underneath him. Despite the other peaks, this orgasm hit me the hardest. For a brief second, my vision turned black as I gave in to the pleasure.

Breathlessly, I lay in the sheets, slowly descending from my high.

“I think all I can do tonight is cuddle,” I commented, feeling too fucked out to engage in any other form of affection. “I don’t think I can walk.”

“It’s okay. I can carry you around the house,” Jaemin answered, finding a solution for my problem. Having pulled his limp cock out of me, Jaemin rolled down another condom, putting it aside.

“What is it?” Jaemin asked as he heard a noise from the living room.

“It sounded as if someone was knocking on the doors,” I spoke, trying to identify the sound. “It must be a courier for Jiwoo. She keeps ordering stuff online. It’s probably the late evening delivery she forgot about. Can you get it?”

“No problem, babe,” Jaemin answered as he put on his jeans, walking around the bed to answer the door.

At first, I wanted to wait for Jaemin in bed. However, it’s been like three minutes, and he didn’t come back, so I found it weird.

Having put on Jaemin’s hoodie and a pair of leggings, I made my way out of the room.

Jaemin was standing by the doors, looking inside a plastic bag. Whatever it was, it smelled like Thai food. Unfortunately, it didn’t explain anything. We were here alone, and we didn’t order anything.

Just when I was about to open my mouth and ask Jaemin what the hell was going on, Ten walked out of his room. It was strange, but I saw him leave, and I didn’t hear him come back.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked angrily, trying to hide my embarrassment. If he was here the whole time, he must’ve heard us having sex.

“I live here, duh,” Ten answered matter-of-factly, choosing not to give me the explanation which I desperately needed. “I think it’s mine,” Ten spoke as he walked up to Jaemin to take his Thai takeout.

Although Jaemin and I were standing in the living room in complete consternation, Ten didn’t seem to pay any attention to it. In front of his bedroom, Ten stopped in his tracks, turning his head to face me.

“Congratulations, by the way,” Ten spoke, making me even more embarrassed. “Three times, wow. It’s impressive. Don’t fuck this up, dear. He’s a keeper,” Ten added, sending me a playful wink before he disappeared inside his room.

#jaemin smut #neosmutcollective #neosmutletters #nct smut #nct dream smut #nct u smut #jaemin fluff #nct fluff #nct dream fluff #jaemin #na jaemin #nct fake dating #fake dating au #collage au #love letters au #idiots to lovers #friends to lovers #jaemin angst #nct angst #nct dream angst

[mikauzoran]

Ladrien/Marichat: Drunk Ladybug on My Balcony? Yeah. This is Fine.: Chapter Thirteen

Read it on AO3: Drunk Ladybug on My Balcony? Yeah. This is Fine.: Chapter Thirteen: The Revelation

“Here we are. Safe and sound,” Ladybug announced with forced chipperness as she set Adrien back down in his room.

Reluctantly, he removed his arms from around her and stepped back, doing his best to put on his own fake smile.

“Today was really fun,” he remarked with a lightness he didn’t feel.

“Yeah,” she agreed enthusiastically, but the joviality didn’t make it to her eyes. “I had fun too. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.”

“I did,” he affirmed earnestly. “It was really great, and I seriously appreciate you going to the trouble of organizing all that for me. I’m never going to forget today.”

“Me either,” she whispered, a bit of the false cheer wearing off, revealing the bittersweet melancholy hiding below the surface. “I had such a good time getting to know you better.”

“Me too.” He braced for impact as he added, “We should do it again sometime.”

She winced, averting her eyes. “Adrien… I’d love to, but we can’t. It was madness for me to even think of dating you as Ladybug in the first place.” She looked back to him with pleading, desperate eyes. “This is too dangerous. Like I said before, I don’t know what all Papillon is willing to do to get to me, but…I would never forgive myself if my selfishness and carelessness got you hurt. We’re lucky no one recognized us today and posted pictures where Papillon could see and start targeting you.”

“I know,” he sighed, gaze dropping to their shoes. “I don’t care about the risk for myself, but…I would never want to bring that kind of guilt on you if something did happen…. This wasn’t a good idea.”

“No,” she agreed softly, stepping in closer and taking his cheeks in her hands, making him look at her. “But today was the best mistake of my life, Adrien Agreste, and I can’t bring myself to regret it.”

“Yeah?” he breathed, letting himself get entranced by her swirling, sea-like eyes.

“Yeah,” she confirmed, smile infused with light and warmth and love.

“Well,” he chuckled, taking heart in looking on the bright side. “At least you can still ask me out as a civilian. This doesn’t have to be the end.”

Her smile flickered and faded as her brow pulled into a conflicted frown. “Adrien…I don’t think that’s possible now.”

Her words were like a cold shower, sending a jolt through his system.

“Wait. What? Why not?” he demanded, a whine creeping into his voice.

She gazed at him sadly, shaking her head. “What are you going to think the next time some black-haired girl comes up to you and asks you out for coffee? You’ll know it’s me right away, and that can’t happen. I have to keep my identity secret at all costs, not just for myself and my own safety but for the safety of all of Paris and the Miraculouses and kwamis in my keeping. I have to think about the bigger picture,” she informed him ruefully, feeling the weight of her yoke of duty then more than ever. “I can’t just think about myself…so this has to be the end of this. I’m sorry, Adrien.”

It occurred to him that he could simply ask Marinette out, but the unfairness of the entire situation agitated him.

“If you’re not allowed to think about yourself, who’s going to?” he challenged. “This isn’t right. It’s not fair that you have to bear such a heavy burden alone. I know what it’s like to have to keep secrets from everyone, Ladybug. It’s exhausting and isolating, and, after a while, it makes you feel like a bad person because you feel like you’re always lying to everybody in your life. I don’t want that for you.”

He eyed her pleadingly, willing her to relax her guard and let him in, let him be there to help support her.

“I don’t really want that for me either,” she admitted with a tired sigh, tears beginning to build at the corners of her eyes. “…Sometimes it just can’t be helped, though. I’m sorry, Adrien, but I can’t do this. Please don’t make this harder than it already is,” she begged, just barely managing to resist the temptation he offered.

He could see her on the edge of breaking, but pressing her further felt wrong and manipulative. He didn’t want to push her into something she would later regret, so he backed off with a soft, “Okay. Sorry.”

“Me too,” she whispered, her hands dropping to take his and give them a squeeze. “…Maybe the stars will align and we’ll get to date someday.”

“Maybe I’ll find you and ask you out first,” he hummed impishly.

“Please don’t try to find me,” she entreated, feeling sick with worry. “You can’t know who I am.”

He bit his tongue, knowing that it would only scare her off to tell her he already knew.

“Kiss me,” Adrien pleaded.

Ladybug blinked, startled by the urgency in his voice. “What?”

“If this really has to be the end of things between us, can’t you at least kiss me? You said that you wanted to earlier. If we can’t be together, can’t we at least have this much?” he reasoned. “Give me a kiss to remember you by.”

She worried at her bottom lip as she studied him carefully, weighing her options.

“Please, Nelle?” he whimpered, and his yearning gaze nearly did her in.

Reasoning that one kiss couldn’t hurt, she stepped in, taking his face gently in her hands and bringing it down to hers.

She’d intended the kiss to be brief and sweet like cherry blossom petals floating on a river, but she did not anticipate the spark she felt inside of her when her lips met his.

It was like an electric zap radiating through her body from the tips of her toes to the ends of her hair, and, judging by the way he gasped into the kiss, Adrien felt it too.

What Ladybug had intended to be a chaste brush of lips quickly devolved into a sloppy, hungry crush of lips and tongues and teeth and hands.

Before she could really think through what she was doing, she’d pushed Adrien back and down onto his couch and was on top of him, seeing what kind of noises he made when she bit, licked, or sucked on different parts of his neck and throat. She quickly found out that he purred when she massaged his scalp, and the sound only encouraged her.

“Wait,” Adrien gasped, getting a hold of himself several minutes later.

She lifted her head and blinked blearily down at him, mind hazy with hormones. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t lie to you anymore,” he groaned. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you want, but things have gone too far and gotten out of control. I can’t keep secrets from you anymore, My Lady.”

She opened her mouth to seek clarification, but he alleviated the need by calling, “Plagg, transform me.”

In a green flash of light, it was Chat Noir beneath her on the couch in place of Adrien.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated, eyes begging for her forgiveness. “I shouldn’t have agreed to go on a date with you right after we’d just talked about waiting to start a romantic relationship until it was safe, but…when you showed up to ask me out, I figured that Adrien must have been your mystery boy all along, and it was just a dream come true, so…I should have said no, but I didn’t. I’m sorry. You know I think with my heart far more often than with my head.”

Ladybug did not respond right away. She was too busy gaping at her partner with her mouth hanging wide open as her mind bluescreened.

“Please say something,” he pleaded through a grimace, starting to feel ill. “I can tell you’re not taking this well, but—”

She cut him off with a guttural curse.

He blinked at her for a moment, and then a sly grin slowly curled up the corners of his lips. “On a first date? I’m sorry, but I’m a little old fashioned. You’ll have to marry me first.”

“Oh my God,” she groaned, covering her face with her hands as she had a mental meltdown.

He winced. “Sorry. I really am sorry. …On a completely serious note, are you okay?”

A muffled, “No,” leaked out through her fingers along with very Marinette-like sounds of despair.

“Sorry,” he repeated. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I just…I really did understand earlier when you were talking about it being unfair to Adrien, him not knowing your identity. I felt guilty for keeping this from you this whole time, but I knew you didn’t want to know, so…” He shook his head. “But I couldn’t keep lying to you. …Sorry for messing things up,” he summarized dejectedly, ears drooping.

“…Do you hate me?” he whispered, half afraid to learn the answer.

She dropped her hands down to her sides and looked at him with eyes full of sorrow, compassion, regret, and love. “Chaton, I could never hate you. Ever,” she stressed, reaching out to stroke his cheek. “In fact, I think I love you now more than ever before.”

“O-Oh,” he choked, so happy it was hard to breathe.

“And you didn’t mess anything up,” she assured with a cloudy smile. “I did.”

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Detransformation.”

In a swirl of pink, Marinette appeared, wearing the same blue dress as she had their last movie night.

A broad grin stretched across Chat’s lips as he sat up, taking her face in his hands.

She hesitantly peeked one eye open and was surprised to find him beaming at her like she had arranged the stars in the night sky. She blinked, noting, “You don’t look surprised. Or angry.”

“Because I’m neither, Princess,” he chuckled, running a hand down the side of her face, neck, and shoulder. “What better outcome could I hope for than for the two girls I’m crazy about to be the same person?”

“And, let me guess,” she snickered. “You’re not surprised because you were able to see Ladybug in your ‘Everyday Ladybug’?”

He bit his lip. “Actually…it was more like suddenly seeing Marinette in Ladybug earlier today when we were browsing in the Place du Tertre.”

The grin dropped off her face. “What?! Wait. What?! You figured out my identity?!”

He made a half-hearted, wobbling gesture with one hand. “I mean…sort of? I didn’t know for sure until just now, but…”

“Oh my gosh. All those questions you were asking!” she gasped as she mentally reviewed their day from that point.

He winced. “Yeah, well…I mean…”

She slapped his arm, and not in a fun, playful, joking away. “I can’t believe you! You were purposely trying to figure out my identity!”

“To be fair, I had already figured out your identity,” he reasoned, hoping she magically accepted this loophole and decided not to be mad at him. “I was merely seeking confirmation.”

She smacked his arm a second time, clearly not amused at his semantics.

“Hey, you’ve been in love with me for years and never said anything,” he whined, trying to shift the focus off of himself. “To Adrien or Chat Noir. If anyone has the right to be upset, it’s me.”

“I had my reasons,” she spluttered indignantly, hoping he wouldn’t ask for the receipts. “It’s not like you told Marinette you had a big, ridiculous crush on her either!”

“I’m sorry,” he snorted. “I just thought it was painfully obvious to anyone who listened to me rant regularly about how amazing and talented you are. If you’d shown interest in return, I would have gladly confessed to my gigantic crush on you, but, unfortunately, someone has been lying to my face the past seven years about how they’re not interested in me, they’re just a fan of my father’s work,” he returned with a sour pout.

“You are literally a model,” she whined in her own defence. “I thought you’d laugh in my face.”

“Princess,” he cooed, reaching up to stroke her face. “Who could say no to you?”

He leaned in to give her hair a reassuring nuzzle. “Marinette, you are the most awe-inspiring woman I know. You’re kind and brave and funny and gorgeous, and I would have to be a bigger fool than I already am not to fall deliriously in love with you.”

She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight as she whispered, “I’m so sorry, Minou.”

“Shhh,” he comforted, pulling her in closer. “I’m sorry too. Maybe…can we try to accept that we both screwed things up and attempt to move beyond this?”

“…Yeah,” she decided, giving a little nod. “What’s done is done, so let’s just try to do our best going forward.”

“Sounds good,” he agreed, savoring the warmth of her body pressed to his, her sweet scent.

Earlier, he’d catalogued them in sorrow as she carried him back home, wondering if he’d ever get to experience them again. Now, he took stock in joy, planning to appreciate these sensations for years and years to come.

Suddenly, Marinette pulled back with a gasp and stared at him wide-eyed. “What are we going to do about akuma fights?! We just talked last week about how every second counts and how romantic feelings could cloud our judgment and get in the way in battle. What are we going to do now?!”

He grimaced, beginning to massage her shoulders in hopes that it would help her calm down. “My Love, I’ve had feelings for you for years now, and you just told me the other night that you’d loved me for almost as long. We’re going to have feelings that could potentially get in the way no matter what. We’ve had those feelings all this time, and I think it’s been pretty okay. I mean, I know I’ve sacrificed myself more times than you’re comfortable with, but the point is that we’ve managed all this time, haven’t we?”

“I guess you’re right,” she reluctantly agreed, slowly coming to see that what he said was true.

“Yes, we could have a fight or, God forbid, break up, but I’d like to think that our friendship and our partnership is strong enough to see us through, so…we’ve gone years suffering through trying to suppress our feelings, I, for one, would like to try making a romantic relationship work,” he suggested timidly, mentally crossing his fingers. “Who knows? Maybe when we stop holding ourselves back, we’ll be a better team than ever before. Want to give it a try?”

She didn’t need to think about it. “Yes. Definitely. Yes.”

“Really?” he laughed in joy and relief as his wildest dreams came true before his very eyes.

She nodded enthusiastically, joining in his laughter. “Yes. Really, really.”

He surged forward, capturing her lips once more in an exuberant kiss of celebration.

This one was more playful, less heated, but still full of fireworks and emotion.

Several minutes in, Marinette pulled back and glared at Chat Noir. “Heeeey. You sneak into my bedroom. Adrien Agreste sneaks into my bedroom.”

He quirked an eyebrow, wondering at the relevance of this revelation. “Technically, you invite me in. I always knock, even when the skylight is open.”

“Adrien Agreste has seen the inside of my bedroom,” she groaned in embarrassment, covering her face with her hands and letting out a moan of misery. “You’ve seen me in my laundry day sweatpants!”

He rolled his eyes fondly, gingerly taking her hands in his own and prying them away from her face. “Princess, look at me.”

She did so, her cheeks stained red as realization after realization informed her of all the unflattering sides of her he had seen.

“It’s just me,” he soothed. “Just your big, stupid cat, and I think the world of you.”

She pursed her lips, considering this for a moment. “…Yeah. You are, aren’t you?”

He nodded encouragingly. “Remember that time I got my tongue stuck to that lamppost?”

She burst out laughing, accidentally spraying him with spit which he gracefully wiped off, not minding in the least.

“Oh my gosh,” she giggle-snorted. “You did. You’re such a dork!”

“Your dork,” he confirmed.

“My dork,” she hummed and went back to kissing him.

They didn’t make it ten minutes before the next outburst.

“I tried to give you the Snake Miraculous!” she gasped.

Chat’s ears flattened. “We’re going to be having moments like this for years to come, aren’t we?”

“What the hell were you thinking?!” she demanded.

He shrugged. “You said you needed Adrien. I’m stupid in love with you. Emphasis on the stupid.”

She frowned, debating on her reaction. His reasons weren’t exactly good, but they were flattering, so maybe she could forgive him.

He took the liberty of kissing the crinkles from her brow. “Later, you’ll have to tell me how you pulled Multimouse off because I’m dying to know, but, for now, could we maybe kiss and snuggle? Maybe watch some movies?”

She instantly perked up. “Can we have a Disney singalong? I’m sort of in love with your voice.”

“Just the voice?” he asked again with a teasing eyebrow waggle.

“All of you,” she informed softly, leaning in to press a butterfly kiss to his lips. “…But your voice in particular.”

“I can live with that,” he cackled, pulling her back down onto the couch with him.

 Alya and Nino were lounging on her bed watching X-Men: Apocalypse when her phone buzzed.

“Why are you grinning like you just got the biggest scoop ever?” Nino inquired cautiously, lifting a suspicious eyebrow.

“My ship has sailed!” Alya cheered, nearly jumping for joy. “Adrien and Marinette are dating! Aaaaaahhhh!!! This is the best day ever!”

Nino frowned, pausing the movie. “Wait. Adrien’s dating Marinette or Ladybug? They should still be at the Eiffel Tower, right? Did she tell him her identity? Did he tell her his?”

Alya’s mood immediately plummeted. “Hold on. Let me figure this out.”

She shot quick texts to Marinette and Adrien, asking if they’d revealed their respective identities and who was dating whom.

“Okay. Full identity reveal. Everybody is dating everybody,” Alya reported with a contented sigh, sinking back down onto the bed. “These two are exhausting.”

“Tell me about it,” Nino snorted. “Why do they have to be so complicated?”

Alya shook her head. “Thank God Marinette locked us in the panther cage, right?”

“We never really thanked her for that, did we?” Nino snickered.

Alya shrugged. “Meh. I’ll work it into my maid of honor speech at her wedding. I consider my debt paid in full after all the identity shenanigans I’ve had to put up with getting her and Adrien together. I single-handedly defeated the Love Quadrilateral. My job here is done.”

“Awesome work, Al,” Nino chuckled, leaning in to give her temple a light peck.

The

End

#Ladrien #Marichat #Adrinette #Adrienette #Miraculous Ladybug #Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction #Adrien Agreste #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #Ladybug #Chat Noir #Alya Césaire #Nino Lahiffe #Identity Reveal #Kissing #Making Out #Friends to Lovers #Happy Ending #Fluff #Angst #Mikau's Writings #Drunk Ladybug on My Balcony? Yeah. This is Fine.

[stitch1830]

ATLA Q&A

So I got tagged by @mycomfortblanket​ and @dannyurl​ but it wouldn’t let me reblog on the thread so I made a new one lol. Never really thought about these questions til now, so good exercise!

1. What is your favorite character?

Toph Beifong. Need I say more?

2. What is your comfort character?

Hmmm, does Appa count? If yes, then Appa. He’s a good, chill pal. I’d snuggle with him.

3. Which element would you bend if you could?

Probably earthbending. I like the fighting style of firebenders a bit more, but I think that the element of earth has more opportunities and possibilities to adapt the martial art and then also bending the different compositions of earth lol. Plus metalbending is a dope technique and I would love to be able to do that as well.

4. What’s your favorite nation?

Probably Earth Kingdom. Idk, maybe because it’s the biggest nation, so there are lots of different cities to travel to. I can’t really explain why it’s my favorite lol.

5. What makes you love ATLA the most?

Probably just the established world. If I ever try to make up my own stories, creating the setting and space the story takes place in is always the hardest for me. So the fact that there are multiple nations, maps, cities, and cultures associated with the story, and those background details are fleshed out is pretty impressive. And even as a kid I noticed that.

COULD GET YOU ATTACKED QUESTIONS

1. Who is your least favorite character in the gaang?

I think as a kid, I didn’t care for Sokka or Aang. Sokka seemed useless to the team to me as a kid and then all of a sudden he was an expert strategist in my head. And Aang bothered me because he was a bald kid with tattoos lol. Weird for my 10-year-old brain to wrap around at the time. I love both of them now, obviously, and see my flawed thought process as a kid lol. Otherwise, I never cared for Mai or Ty Lee.

2. What character do you think is severely underrated?

Mmmm, idk. No one from the Gaang seems underrated, nor do the main villains. I’ll find realms of the fandom that tend to overrate characters, so I feel like a lot of them get the love and appreciation they need. Even Cabbage Man has support. Like, okay.

Maybe Freedom Fighters? Like, all of the minor ones. They kind of come and go as they please, and they probably need more backstory than they actually get.

3. What’s your least favorite nation?

Again, as a kid I never liked that all the Air nation people were bald and had tattoos. Not the smartest logic on my end lol. But idk, I still prefer the other nations now.

4. What is your controversial ATLA opinion?

I actually struggle to watch the show now as an adult and after reading some fantastic posts on Tumblr about the show’s flaws. Obviously I shouldn’t judge the show based on bad writing near the end or series finale relationships, but I can barely watch it now without seeing the hints of romantic relationships and cringe or just... knowing that the outcome of the show isn’t what I particularly want to see. It’s easier for me to just stay in fanfiction and read about fan theories and then come up with my own outcomes. 

The show used to satisfy me, but now? Not so much. I like, only watch season 2 now if I want to watch it at all, mainly for Toph and because there aren’t as many obviously displays of Aang crushing on Katara.

SHIPPING QUESTIONS

1. What’s your favorite ship and why?

Canon ships only.

JK. Taang. Taang for days. As a couple, I see them having a lighthearted relationship where they know how to balance each other. They are powerful and strong and independent on their own and certainly don’t need to be in a relationship, but they would choose to be together because they add value to their lives and want to be together. They’ve got that classic ‘opposites attract’ dynamic that isn’t like “I can’t live without you” feeling, but more like “You help me be better” feel. 

Before finding Taang, I never really shipped Toph with anyone, and didn’t even know she had canon kids until like... the pandemic started lol. I just thought she’d be a badass and wreak havoc on the world and be responsible for only herself. And if I did ship her with a character, it was usually Sokka bc of the angst and canon compliance it provided. But after reading a few Taang fics, there was actually potential for her to be in a longstanding and committed relationship with someone that made sense to me. It was cool to find a ship that opened my eyes to that, because otherwise, I would’ve never assumed or thought she’d ever marry or have kids or anything. 

Tokka is a close second because it got me into reading fanfiction, but idk Taang is just feels so right to me lol.

2. What’s your least favorite ship?

After reading lots of metas, I don’t like Mai/Zuko and Aang/Katara. They just rub me the wrong way now.

3. Do you sometimes self-insert?

As far as inserting myself into a romantic relationship with ATLA characters... No. Not my cup of tea.

I do sometimes create OCs that are just like... best friends with the Gaang and went through their own shit during the war. But they don’t resemble me at all. If anything, they mirror the personality of the character they’re close with, simply because I think friendships where characters have very similar personalities would be interesting. We see a lot of opposite duos, romantic and platonic, and I certainly do the same thing in my life (I have lots of friends where I am not like them at all, but we’re really close). But to see relationships where they act very similar... Interesting dynamic. They probably butt heads a lot and fight a lot, but also really understand what the other needs for help, and... yeah. Those friendships seem unappreciated to me. So I like to make those up lol.

4. What ship would you make canon if you were the creator?

I wouldn’t make ATLA about romantic relationships. If anything, I would emphasize the family aspect of the team, then let fans and audiences decide who works best with who ~after~ the show ends lol. I tend to like endings with open interpretation, and also, just based on my personal life/preference, I think it’s sometimes weird when really really close friends get together in relationships afterwards. Like, I’ll think of those friends as my family, and dating ‘practically family’ is sometimes weird imo lol. Of course, I know why those relationships tend to happen, mostly because those characters are the only ones that can relate to the war trauma they all went through, so I get that and love that aspect of it. 

I would certainly lean in the direction of the Big Three: Zutara, Sukka, and Taang, just by pointing out their dynamic, having them confide in one another, or something of the sort. But no one would like, get together at the end.

My thoughts on ATLA, and I’m going to tag anyone that wants to do this! I’m looking at you. ;)

#atla #atla q&a #asking the hard hitting questions #I barely knew the answers lol #tag game

[holidaywishes]

Let’s Catch Up...

I've spent another month on dating apps and the results are... pretty damn similar. I kept going with conversations I had started before the start of June and did a week of solely swiping right to see how many matches I would get. It was a long week, that happened to wind up being the last week of the month (save a few days) but the general outcome was that Tinder and Badoo were the successes. At least in terms of numbers.

Here's the breakdown:

Badoo

For the entirety of the month, I had one date from here - it had been rescheduled once and we had a mix-up of where we were supposed to meet. I gave my number to one guy who I had been talking to at the start of this whole experiment but he's proven to be.. elusive to say the least.

To be honest, I still don’t think this app is for me. Even if I did get a date from here who seemed to be a decent guy. The fact is, dating at my age only garners attention from people at the top of the age range, at least for me (I know that won’t be the same for everyone but it was my experience.) I didn’t really keep a good record after day one, but from what I can gather of all my notes -- yes, I took notes, -- is that I matched with an average of 4.86 guys on Badoo for the whole week. That number would probably be lower if I only averaged the number of conversations I started or the dates I went on.

Bumble

What the hell is going on with the guys on Bumble? I was supposed to have a date yesterday with a guy from the app but he wouldn't communicate with me clearly so I accidentally stood him up and now he hasn't responded to me since I told him I wouldn't ditch my mom to talk to him on the phone for an hour.

I’ve always had a bit of an issue with Bumble. I’m not one for talking first, because I don’t know what the best icebreaker is and no one wants to respond to “hey.” So, like I said, I didn’t really keep track but from what I could tell, my average was 7.36 but I often forget about matches on there and they expire. That number is probably much higher lol.

Hinge

I did have a date from Hinge during this week of swiping right on everyone -- or in Hinge's case, liking everyone -- but it had just been scheduled that way. We had matched even before I started the experiment but the conversations were always a bit weird and I could never tell why. He's a nice guy but he's more a friend than someone I could see myself dating. As for the app, I never got any new matches. No new likes. Nothing...

That being said, the matches on this app were the easiest to keep track of... because there was nothing to track. I only had one date so when I added him into my average, I got a whopping 0.25 matches! It’s a weird app and I don’t think that it’s for me either. I wanted it to work because I think that it has the ability to form genuine connections in people, however, you have to match with people in order for those connections to start and for me, it just doesn’t seem to be happening.

Tinder

So, Tinder was a bit of a surprise to me. It's a numbers game honestly. It's the app that everyone knows or heard about first so everyone and their dog is on it. But, because it's a dating app, you never really know what you're gonna get. I think I have a very specific type, physically, which I like to say is "guys who are way too out of my league" i.e. the tall, handsome, athletic guys I could never ever get. None of the guys I had conversations with on Tinder during the last week was my type. One of the guys I matched with was so my type that I was trying so hard to play it cool but he just never initiated a conversation so he's just like sitting in my list and I'm trying desperately not to give into him.

Tinder had a lot going on during this week-long experiment. The tally was all over the place, averaging 51.63 matches, but that’s not a typical thing for me on these apps. Because of how specific my taste is, I typically unmatch with a lot of the guys who match with me on Tinder and then I’m left with maybe 10 guys with who I might consider continuing a conversation. Out of this average, I’ve only kept having conversations with 2 guys, setting up 1 date for Friday and a possible date with the other in like a week when he gets back from camping. I think I’ve started to sabotage both of them because I just.. don’t know how to do the dating thing.

Unfortunately, I’ll probably keep using Tinder. Even though I hate it. Even though the guys are often creepy. Even though I don’t match with my “type.” Even though it likes to play these games ("vibes,” “hot takes,” “swipe night,” etc.”) The fact is, it has the most options. If the conversation doesn’t work, or the vibe doesn’t work, unmatching is easy but Tinder has the majority of people to match with because it’s such a common app. Most of the time, It’s a blow to my ego but every now and then, someone cute comes along and boosts the ego a bit. If only for a minute.

In conclusion:

It’s like a freakin’ essay up in this bitch. I wish I could’ve written all my essays as Tumblr posts -- they would’ve been far more entertaining -- but I digress.

If anything, this whole thing is an experiment in sexuality and how comfortable I could be in my own body. I wanted it to be about finding someone I had a genuine connection with and who I felt like I could tell my truth to without being judged but in the end, I did feel extremely judged.

But not about sex.

Most guys were curious why I was still a virgin but it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be. There were guys who made me feel like I should feel free to explore my body and my sexuality and they made me feel beautiful; even if it was in the form of innuendos and double entendre's.

No, no. When they found out I had never been in a relationship before, suddenly nothing made sense and they had all these questions and they felt pressured even though I told them that I had no expectations. The more times that I got asked "why have you never been in a relationship?" the more I wanted to delete the apps, curl up in my skin and die.

If I knew why I've never been in a relationship, then I would have been in a relationship by now...

It just felt so humiliating to keep explaining it over and over again and I couldn't believe this is where everyone was going to focus on. That being said, the guys who didn't focus on my relationship status or my virginity, more or less ghosted me and I was doing everything in my power not to double message them. I finally understand why people go after people who treat them like sh*t. Like, yes, I'm getting attention from other people but I'm not getting your attention and it's confusing the hell outta me. Look, if I'm being honest, I know that everyone's experiences are different and everyone is looking for something different on different apps. I am one of these people who have a very specific type and it's hard for me to get past that, even when I do match with perfectly nice guys outside of my preferences. I think there's part of me that knows I'll never end up with a guy who's my "type" so I don't try as hard or I sabotage things too quickly but I think there's another part of me that thinks "fuck it. If I match with this guy and the conversation doesn't go anywhere, then oh well."

So, is it my mindset that's the problem? Are my standards too high? or does my lack of self-esteem come through in conversation?

It's probably all three but I know what kind of a person I am. I know that I care too much, I know that I'm kind, I know that I'm a bubbly person and I know that, in time, I'll find someone who matches my energy and what I want out of this. The bottom line is this: dating apps are fine and they work for some people but dating, in general, is hard.

So... that's my little dating journey. It was a bit of an ego boost and a truly wild ride and I don't really know where to go from here...

#i'm baring everything to y'all #sorry for the tmi #my dating life #my dating journey #this was a sh*t show #and i'm over dating

[klaumiel]

You are all I’ve got, Austin.//Chapter 4: The last poem.

I opened the door before Shaun even stopped the car and jumped out. I didn’t want to waste any second, I ran to the house, and straight to the kitchen where I had my charger.

‘ Turn on, you piece of shit!’ I shouted nervously trying to turn on my phone. Shaun stood next to me, rubbing my shoulder.

As soon as my phone was on, I opened Lovelik, and immediately my heart dropped and my eyes filled with tears.

‘’ you’ve been quiet for a while…

Can you just send an emoji or something

Anything to let me know you are okay

Please

…

Ok, I’m freaking out!!

You’ve been gone for too long, so I have to assume the worse

Bennie got you, and it’s all my fault

Please tell me I’m wrong

Please tell me I’m not responsible for more blood on my hands

I know you are there! Come on!

If we never talk again… I couldn’t live with myself

All I want is to know for sure, but I’m almost out of time

Tomorrow’s the day of my execution

Fuck…

It's so weird to see it written out like that

Like I know what the words mean, but it doesn’t feel real

…

They asked what I wanted for my last meal this morning

They usually offer a steak, but I asked for some candy instead

If I can’t have you with me …

At least I’ll have something sweet

…

Damn! I thought that might work

You always call me out for being cheesy

Please give me a sign …something

ANYTHING !

Well, I got something for you – one last poem

Here it goes…

At the start nothing left to lose-

Nothing to stop me from trying

At the end, with hands shaking –

I was immersed in a love undying

Now our souls will finally rest in memories

Lost without a trace

And forever will I be free to bask

In the light of your grace

That’s all I’ve got

Goodbye

I answered his message as fast as I could, with tears in my eyes and shaking hands. This can’t be goodbye, not like this!

‘This can’t be happening, Shaun!’ I cried ‘He is being executed today, we have to do something! I can’t let him die!... Maybe I should call the police station make sure that they informed the prison about the DNA … Shit, he isn’t answering! ‘ I hold my phone with hands shaking.

‘I will make a call now’ Shaun said, wiping my tears with his hands ‘They can’t go ahead with execution if there is new evidence.’

‘Please answer me …please be there. Austin god Damit!’ I cried

Suddenly an emoji popped next to my message. He is alive! Of course, he is, he can’t just leave me like that, my heart pounded in my chest, and I saw a message popping up

‘’WAIT- YOU’RE ALIVE!?’’

I smiled through tears. Duh!

I told him that I submitted Bennie’s DNA and they are testing it as we speak.

But the happiness didn’t last long, the guard came to get him. This can’t be the end!

‘Shaun, what did they tell you !?’ I asked getting more and more anxious

‘They informed his lawyer, he is on his way there. Austin will be fine Maya, take a deep breath and calm down. He will be okay ‘ Shaun said, approaching me and grabbed my hand, I squeezed my phone so hard I left a mark on my hand, and my fingers got numb.

‘But the guard just came to take him, he told me … Are you sure? ‘ I felt lighter, calmer but still not sure, what to think about this

‘Maya, they confirmed that prison is aware. The guard must’ve come for some other reason… hang on… he had his phone in the cell? I thought he kept it the library. ‘

‘He took it with him because he was worried, I wasn’t answering he thought I was dead.’

Shaun smiled gently ‘ You should rest, go to sleep for a little while, don’t worry, he will be fine.’

Shaun went back home. I took a quick shower, and laid on the sofa, put my phone on the loudest setting possible and quickly fell asleep.

A few hours later, loud sound woke me up. I sat up quickly looked outside; it was dark. Must’ve slept all day.

‘’How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways,

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.‘’

Is he saying what I think he is saying?

‘’I fucking love you.’’

I felt butterflies feeling my stomach, I smiled from ear to ear ‘I love you too!’ I answered.

I’ve been waiting for this moment for days. Only the thought of losing him proved me how much I loved him, how important to me he was. My worries he won’t feel the same vanished. Happiness filled me instantly, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. But there were happy tears.

He was fine, alive and most likely will be realised soon. We will finally be able to be together. I felt like I didn’t want to be without him ever again.

Bennie’s DNA was a match, and the judge accepted it as evidence in his case. His execution has been postponed, and he had court scheduled for the next morning.  We talked for a little while longer. This time our conversation felt lighter, we finally said it. I couldn’t wait to be able to tell him in person.

Straight after I called Shaun and shared the good news. I also decided to call Gemma, she was my friend for the last ten years after all.

She listened, but she was cold and very distanced.

‘Gemma, what is going on? Did I do something wrong ?’ I decided to ask her

‘ No, everything is fine’ I knew it was a lie

‘Listen, I think we need to talk. Do you want to go for coffee before work tomorrow? I really need to know what’s going on.’

‘Sure, I will pop to your place at seven, ok? I need to go now. I am happy for you. See you tomorrow.’  She hang up before I managed to answer.

I was anxious but happy at the same time. Austin and I took our relationship to the next level, we managed to save his life, depending on the outcome of tomorrow’s court he could be a free man soon. The feeling of being able to finally see him was amazing.

The whole situation with Gemma was strange, but if she wanted to blow our friendship because of some stupid reason, I wouldn’t stop her. I had all I wanted at this moment, Austin

alive and safe, I knew I will probably have to wait for him, but I was ready for this.

I lied in bed reading his messages, his beautiful poems.  He is such a melt, but I love him so much.  Always playing the rough and scary guy but deep inside such a softy. He has never been in love, so he didn’t know how to act what to do, what to say, how to express his emotions but he did it the best way he could through his poems. I loved his soft side, only made him hotter.

The only thing that was missing that night was him next to me, his strong arms around me, but I knew deep inside that one day this will happen, and only the thought of what's going to happen once we finally get to be alone made me feel hot and dizzy. I wanted him so bad … If this wasn’t love, fuck knows what it was, but I didn’t care I just wanted to feel it.

Next morning, I woke up with a smile, it was a good feeling. From now, it will only get better.

Well, not entirely true.

I got ready to work, I was in the mood for some fancy clothes, I’ve put on my favourite black skater skirt, and cream ruffle trim shirt.

I was finishing straightening my hair when my doorbell rang.

‘Get in! The door is open’ I shouted from the corridor

‘You shouldn’t leave your door unlocked’ Gemma came in, dropped her laptop bag on the sofa and went to the kitchen to take some coffee.

I came downstairs, we started with the usual chat about work, but the innocent conversation quickly changed direction to something I didn’t expect.

‘So Gemma, I  can’t be postponing this any longer. We are friends for ten years, I can see that something is wrong. You are very distant ever since things with Austin been getting serious. You seem to be cold, and I can feel you want to tell me something. Now is the time’ I sat up straighter ‘Why did you say that Austin and I have no future, why are you so against him? You don’t even know him… Or something is happening that you don’t want to tell me about.’

She looked at the mug, clearly getting annoyed.

‘Maya, I have to say it … nobody else will. You look so happy I didn’t want to disturb this, but someone has to tell you. You should've stopped this at the begging when you found out he is on a death row. What are you doing with your life? This supposed to be just for fun, you took this whole dating online a bit too seriously. Frist Albert, days talking about how bad you feel about telling him to fuck off because you are not ready, instead of having fun one night like you did and let him go, forget it. Then Austin… If I knew that you will get so attached to him I would never tell you swipe… this is insane Maya! You can’t be in love with the guy you never met! A criminal! Luke wasn’t enough for you? Abuse, drugs, gangs, didn’t this teach you a lesson to stay away from guys like this?’  Her voice slowly started to rise

‘Austin is not like Luke, he is not a criminal.’ I was lost of words, I had no idea she saw it that way.

‘ He is in prison, so he is a criminal. How do you even know he is real? You never met him, never heard him speak. He could be someone else…You got so naïve recently. ‘

‘What are you talking about, he is real. Gemma… this is crazy. Where is this all coming from ?! ’

‘What is crazy? Being realistic? Let’s assume he is real, and he gets out of prison, what then? Do you really believe this will be a happy ever after? You will be a cute couple, doing cute coupley things? Open your eyes, Maya! He’s been locked for seven years, he has no idea what’s outside, who will give him a job?  Are you ready to be his babysitter? What do you know about his past? Nothing, only a few bits that aren’t pretty. What if he goes back to old habits, gangs, criminal world. Are you ready to follow him? Since when you got so soft and fucking naïve and weak? Life is not a pretty fairytale.’

I just stood there with my mouth open lost for words.

‘ I just wanted you to know that I won’t be sticking around if you choose him. I have a career I can’t allow myself being linked to a murderer.’

This was the point where she crossed the line, I couldn’t sit there and listen to the bullshit that was coming out of her mouth.

‘ He is not a murderer Gemma! He is innocent! Why you hate him so much!? We proved his innocence last night! How can you say all that? You suppose to be my friend. Didn’t you say you want me to be happy? So guess what … Finally, I can see a possibility to be happy, after everything, after moths taking medications to be able to function every day. After sleepless miserable nights, I can finally live normally Gemma. And if you don’t like it .. well .. it is your call.’ I really hoped she will understand.

‘ You see, that’s the problem with you. Is always you. I’m sick of it Maya, I’m sick of being the second, always ‘’the friend’’, your shadow. You are always the centre of attention. Wherever you walk, everyone sees you, everyone adores you, and I  am always behind. I’m sick of cleaning your mess all the time, making sure that you are OK… I told you to don’t get involved with Luke, but you didn’t listen to me, he nearly killed you, and you still felt sorry for him. He was a fucking junky, stealing your stuff and selling it for drugs, and you still felt sorry for him. And I was there listening to your bullshit every day telling you to leave him. But you didn’t listen to me. The fantastic Maya with her golden heart trying to help a junky, and when shit went down, everyone felt sorry for you. Poor Maya went through hell, but you put yourself in this shit. And you are doing it again…I’m tired Maya.. tired of being a second-best, you always get the best, and I am left with scraps. Every guy I ever laid my eyes on was interested in you … not me … you. Even Greg… still hoping you might change your mind. And now, you choosing a criminal again… I can’t … I can’t be here for you anymore.’ She was angry, her tone was cold, this wasn’t my friend; this was someone else.

‘ Are you serious right now ?! How can you say that? I’ve been there for you every time you needed me, in college when your parents were divorcing I sat with you every night making sure you are OK. Helping you with your studies so you can pass the year. I stepped out if off my comfort zone every time you needed me. I’ve always put you; first, every guy I ever liked, you wanted so as a good friend. I always stepped aside for you to have fun for a few nights and toss them away like a used toy! So many potential relationships left for you play with. Why do you think I end up with Luke, huh?! Because I knew you wouldn’t want him so I finally could have someone just to myself, no matter how fucked up he was, but he was the only mine… Who risked her job to save your stupid ass when you decided to sleep with your married boss and got fired?! I did! I lied to Greg told him you have a finance degree so you could get a job. I’ve been helping you every day to do simple shit, just to don’t raise suspicions and don’t get you fired… I stepped away again for you and Greg because you wanted him. I could give him a chance, I could try to love him, but I didn’t because of you, for you to be happy. And what did you do? Fucked him a few times as you always do, just to get a promotion. I let that slip… because that‘s what friends do. I am baffled…I had no idea you really thought I am such a bad friend?’

‘Is pointless to try to explain it to you. You won’t understand, you are too perfect to understand. I need to be by myself for a while, think about what to do with my life. You choose a different path. And I am happy for you, but I can’t be here for you with this. I can’t be your friend, not like that. You choose him, and that’s ok. But I can’t be a part of this, I need to think about my career and reputation. He is a criminal, if you can see the cons of this relationship, I am not the person to hold your hand this time’ She got up and walked to the living room to grab her laptop bag ‘Greg and I broke up, there is no point for me to try with him if he still thinks about you. I am also looking for another job I’m hoping to find something soon’ She looked at me and walked to the door

I stood in the middle of the kitchen, I couldn’t believe it. I was hurt, angry and confused.

I just lost my best friend, well someone who I thought was my best friend.

I called Greg and told him I will be working from home for the next few weeks. I promised him to explain everything, but he sounded like he already knew.

I focused on work that day, trying to forget what happened that morning. After everything, I’ve done for her. Is that what a bad friend does? Caring? Maybe I didn’t do enough?

Later in the afternoon when I thought it can’t be worse I heard back from Austin, the judge decided he won’t be released yet, but they postponed his execution. Police were looking for Bennie. I knew it is not going to take long because I told them where I left him, that’s why I had to spend so much time at the station, filing a report, it was self-defence after all.

But a few hours later Bennie’s been arrested and put in the same jail as Austin.

He was in grave danger, with Bennie and his thugs being there he could be killed. So his lawyer managed to get him an immediate transfer to another prison, but that meant we might lose contact if he couldn’t smuggle his phone. This was shit, but his life was more important than that, we could figure something out. My dad knows people, I could always find a way.

In a matter of minutes, he was gone, just like that. From now on, I had no idea if he was OK, if the transfer was successful, where he was. Only thing I knew was how much I loved him, he was everything I’ve got to keep me sane, he was my happiness wherever he was.

#austin #austin russo fanfic #austin russo #lovelink fanfic #lovelink austin

[threeletterslife]

14 | 143

→ previous | next

→ summary: Not to get all philosophical, but life is just a rollercoaster from start to finish. You’re happy to say that you’ve been cruisin’ at the top for a while now. Who knows when you’ll hit rock bottom again? You’ve gotta live that nice life while it lasts. It’s just the question of who will join your fun...

→ genre: 85% fluff, 10% crack, 5% angst | text!au

→ warnings: profanity

→ wordcount: 1.4k

Your heart beats wildly in your chest as you open the door. And what you see before you makes you the happiest person in the world.

"Surprise, Y/N," Jimin says quite suavely, giving you a flashy pose. It's the first time you've seen him in person after you began dating him again. Gosh, he looks better in real life.

You're unable to speak as a grin breaks from your face. You move forward to hug him, and he embraces you right back. He smells of everything you ever needed.

When you pull away from him, you're finally able to catch your voice. "Future wife, Jimin? You're so far ahead in the future," you joke, giggling. You tug Jimin into your house, savoring the feeling of his hand fitting perfectly in yours.

He laughs as he quirks an eyebrow at you. "But am I really that far ahead?"

You hum as you think. "Hm... I guess not."

"But—" Jimin holds but of your hands in his, staring deeply in your eyes. "I also want to take our time."

His words take you by surprise. "Really?"

"I don't care how long it takes, Y/N. We can get married when I'm 40 for all I care. I just don't want to take a large leap that we both can't handle."

"But you want to get married sooner or later," you say slowly, choosing your words carefully.

"I can't imagine myself with anyone else," he replies. "Seven years ago..." Jimin pauses, "we weren't ready, you know? I don't think we were ready to accept that we were great together. But now it's so obvious that we were meant to be."

You giggle. "God, that's greasy, Park." You move to embrace him and he takes you in his arms. "But what can I say? I agree."

And it's quiet for the next few minutes as both of you dwell in the silence, in each other's loving arms. You could not have imagined a better day of your life.

When you pull away from his embrace, you also break the silence. "I think..." you trail off. "I think that the one year break from our relationship helped me ruminate about who I really am as a person. I feel confident in myself. I've talked to new people, made new friends... I just... I'm in such a great place right now; especially now. I'm in a place where I can be in a healthy relationship without having an ounce of self-deprecating thoughts. I think we needed that break. And now that it's over... god, I'm so, so happy with the outcome."

Jimin's all smiles by the time you finish your train of thought. "Good. I don't regret a single thing in the past. We've been through thick and thin together, right? I think we're going to be better than ever."

"Right," you reply. "We're not restarting what we had. We're just continuing it."

"Exactly."

"143?" You look curiously at Jimin.

He laughs. Looks at you dead in the eyes as he confidently announces: "3324."

You're the happiest you've been in your whole life.

Jimin's approximately fourteen days late.

Yes, you counted. Although counting the days is more of his thing.

Not that you count his forgetfulness against him. The past fourteen days have been magical for you and Jimin. Sooner or later, the honeymoon phase of the relationship will the over, though—you haven't forgotten that, but you're going to savor it as it lasts. Besides, the honeymoon phase or not, you'll always love Jimin. And you won't doubt his love for you. Not now, and hopefully not ever.

Fourteen days. You've known this man for years. But these fourteen days uncovered so much more about him. So much more deep discussion neither you had even thought of conversing about until now. Thoughts about the imminent future. Marriage. Children. And of course, finance. Which, you argue is the best part because of all the math that is involved.

Now marriage is no longer a stupid fantasy. It's real. And it's coming.

Ever since Jimin brought up marriage fourteen days ago, it's been a fair game. He can propose to you any time; he can surprise you with a wedding ring and sweep you off your feet.

You're both ready to take the next step. It's only been fourteen days, but in reality, you've known Jimin for more than eight years. If he asked you to marry him the day he came back from his business trip, you would've said yes. He can ask now, too, and you won't hesitate with your answer.

Marriage is not the next step. It is not the answer. But it is a connection. You're finally ready to give your all into your relationship with Park Jimin. And he's been telling you every night in bed, together, that he's ready to give his all to you too.

If only he wasn't fourteen fucking days late to give you your Valentine's day gift.

"You know, I'm starting to think you forgot you promised me V-Day gifts," you pout as you put down your pencil and wordlessly admire the neat figures on your scratch paper.

Jimin laughs, setting his glasses off to the side as he sweeps his hair back. "I'm fourteen days late aren't I?"

"It's literally March. March fourth," you huff, crossing your arms. But you and Jimin both know that you're not actually mad. "Almost one in the afternoon, too. Pretty soon you'll be fifteen days late."

Jimin grins. "What time is it again?"

You roll your eyes. "It's 12:56 PM."

He pretends to ponder. "HmmMmmM... Would you like your present now?"

"Really? Why the sudden change of mind?"

"Well, I just thought to wait 'till next year January fourth wasn't the most ideal..."

You scrunch your eyebrows. "What?"

Jimin just gives you a shit-eating grin before zooming away to bring you the gifts you deserved fourteen days ago.

When he comes back, he finds you shaking your head at him.

"You cheesy idiot," you sigh. "January fourth. I reckon you were going to give me the gifts at three in the afternoon? The full 143 experience, I see."

"Well, you caught me," Jimin laughs. He stands next to your chair, leaning in to reveal a pretty black box and a fat envelope. "You're too smart to surprise, Y/N," he sighs.

"You bet I am," you giggle. "And today is March fourth. Nearly... one in the afternoon. 341. 143 backwards. Or... 143, depending on how you look at it. Shouldn't I be a detective or something?"

Jimin shakes his head. "You're too smart for me."

"Nah, I just know you really well," you counter, grinning. "Can I open my gifts?"

"Of course you can, Y/N," Jimin says. "Although you kinda already know what they are... The letter and a bracelet to match your necklace... as I promised."

You let out a giddy squeal as you attack the box first.

Then: "Oh, also I kinda got you another thing."

"Really?" you ask as you pause your box-opening. "Let me guess: a kiss?"

Jimin grins. "Not exactly." He pauses and gives you a playful shove. "Greasy, I see."

You flush, shoving him right back. "Shut up. I was trying to be greasy to predict your greasiness."

"I think I have something almost as good—or just as good...?" he trails off, flushing violently.

"Get on with it, Jimin. I'll be the judge of that."

"Well..." he smiles sheepishly. "I... I got you a matching ring."

"You... what."

"I got you a diamond ring that matches the bracelet in that box... and that necklace I got you a month ago."

You scream so loudly that you probably burst Jimin's eardrums.

And when he officially gets down on his knees to propose to you, you're shaking so hard that Jimin has to take a moment to ask you if you need some warm water and a blanket. But you brush off his worries, scream "YES!" And bring him in for a kiss. He slips the diamond ring on your finger and embraces you as he passionately kisses you.

Fourteen days late. But definitely worth the wait.

#jimin #park jimin #jimin fanfiction #jimin imagine #bts #bts fanfiction #jimin fluff #jimin crack #jimin angst #text au #143

[starspatter]

Heroes and Thieves, Ch. 15

Title: Heroes and Thieves Fandom/Universe: BTAS, pre/post-RotJ flashback

Summary: A story about second chances, healing, and having hope.

Rating: PG-13, for references to character death, child psychological torture and trauma.

Genre: Romance/Family/Friendship/Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 4,800 Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

Also on ff.net and AO3. ...I lied.  This is totally a harem story. *flees*

She held onto my coat that night, like a kid lost in her sleeves Oh we warmed the ground, we hushed our sound We slept on walking feet Oh Darlin’, pardon me Can you help me remember When we were all flying free

-Gregory Alan Isakov, “Living Proof”

————————–

After.

Barbara breathed out as she stood before the large, warehouse-like building, gazing anxiously up at its second floor (and watchful security cameras she knew were installed overhead). The reinforced structure still seemed relatively sound despite the recent disaster. The… original occupant certainly knew how to choose a hideout location and prepare for all potential outcomes. …Must've been a habit he picked up from his previous landlord.

With a wary hand, she buzzed the doorbell.

Sooner than she expected, the entry flew open to reveal an unfamiliar face: a young man with a short crop of mane spiked in the front like flames, similar in color to her own.

"Well hellooo there," he greeted with a wide grin, eyeing his guest up and down. "What can I do you for, miss?"

Barbara stared at him in surprise.

"Er, is Tim home? He… does still live here, right?"

The stranger licked his lips, resting toned muscle casually against the doorframe.

"Who cares about him? What say you and me get to know each other a bit first, as fellow redheads, hm?"

He loomed towards her, admiring her luscious saffron locks. Barbara grimaced, getting ready to give the kid a good taste of a police twist hold (if not taser) – when a voice she recognized interjected from behind.

"She's a cop, Roy. And she used to be Batgirl. I wouldn't try anything if I were you."

Tim emerged beside the other teen, regarding the two dully. Unfortunately the statement only seemed to fuel his friend's lust further.

"Hot damn. You here to arrest me, officer?" He waggled his brows. "Slap some cuffs on me and take me down to the station? I wouldn't mind that on the first date."

"Roy."

"Kidding, kidding. Jeeze, you really have no sense of humor now, do you?" He lowered his limb dejectedly. "Anyway, you didn't tell me you were acquainted with such a gorgeous babe. Ain't you gonna introduce us?"

Tim sighed.

"Roy, meet Officer Barbara Gordon, the Commissioner's daughter and former Batgirl. Babs, this is Roy Harper, a.k.a. Speedy, Green Arrow's ex-sidekick."

"Ex-partner," the other boy corrected. "And it's 'Arsenal' now."

"Whatever. Now could you please give us some privacy?"

"A'ight, I can take a hint to take a hike," Roy smirked with a suggestive wink. "I've got a 'date' myself anyway. I'll leave you two alone. Don't wait up~"

He whistled and growled as he passed by Barbara on the way out, who shot him a dirty look before resuming attention to Tim.

"I see you've been keeping company. Honestly, he's worse than the Flash." (What was it with all the male copperheads she met giving her ginger brand a bad name?)

"We know each other from the Titans," he replied in a dry tone. "He needed a place to stay after Queen kicked him out – again. Dick said it was okay."

Barbara paused.

"You talk to him recently?"

Tim shrugged as he moved aside to allow her in.

"We keep in touch. He calls every so often to check up on… things."

She studied his backside as they started heading upstairs to the loft.

"And? How are 'things'?

"Fine."

She glanced around the interior of the room as they approached the top; it looked pretty much the same as she remembered. There was the ornate wall of Asian-styled checkered windows overlooking the city, and the ninja sword rack hanging next to a decorative dragon panel (behind which she knew there was a concealed compartment that used to contain Nightwing's costume). Dick did always have a flair for the Orient.

Running her hand wistfully along the armrest to the sofa, she recalled how she and Dick used to sit and cuddle together on it, enjoying late-night Chinese takeout and talks, among… other things.

A frown settled on her face as she noticed something… "off" about the couch cushions.

"'Fine', you say. …Is that why you have 'this'?"

Tim's eyes immediately narrowed as she stretched behind the seat and unzipped the foam, removing a bag of greenish-purple powder from deep within.

"It's not mine."

He answered, a little too hasty.

"Whose is it then?"

"Roy's," he stated flatly, seeming nonchalant about selling out his flatmate.

"And you're telling me you've never used any?"

He hesitated, eyes slanting aside in silence. She scrutinized the stash, recognizing to her horror that it was likely the popular new drug that was being distributed in the streets amongst decadent youth; an isolated chemical strain similar to Joker toxin, but more mild. Not strong enough to cause permanent psychological damage (at least when taken in minor doses), but enough to mimic the euphoric high for hours on end.

"Have you been doing deals with Jokerz?"

"Like hell I would," he snapped.

She reached out to sternly grab his wrist, trying insistently to meet his eye.

"Tim. Be honest with me. Please."

He yanked his arm away, glaring fiercely in anger.

"What is this, some kind of bust? Fine, go ahead, book me. I don't care. Why don't you just charge me with murder while you're at it?"

"Tim…"

"You don't get it, Barb." He clutched at his sleeves, digging digits deep into his skin. "You don't know what it's like, living with fucking laughter inside your head all the time. At least when I'm laughing louder I can't hear him."

She swallowed, biting her lip. Gently, she set the plastic down on the table.

"I do understand," she whispered softly.

He blinked at her.

"Tim, the reason I came here, is because… Lately, I've been having these… visions." She sank down on the lounger, steepling fingers in front of her. "You remember the time Scarecrow gassed me and left me in a hallucinogenic nightmare state?"

He nodded.

"It's like that, only now, I get them when I'm awake as well, at complete random. Ever since the quake, I'll experience these abrupt panic attacks, and see all kinds of terrifying shit. Then, the flashbacks start, and there's one that's always recurring…" She closed her eyes, reflecting reluctantly. "All of a sudden I'll see myself back at Arkham, fighting against Harley. We go over the edge of the cliff, and I'm hanging on like before, and she starts to slip… Only this time, I fall with her. I – I die, just like that time in my dream."

She hunched in on herself further as she continued.

"It doesn't end there though. It keeps going, and I can still see everything else play out, like when I visualized my dad going after Bruce afterwards. I – I see him and Joker, and you – JJ – there with the gun – and – and… The shot hits Batman instead."

Her speech tapered off as she finished the sentence. Her audience was deathly quiet as she carried on in a tremulous hush.

"Then you and the Joker – he – he makes you do all these horrible things – so many deaths – including Dick's – and finally my dad's the only one left – and he has to take you both down by himself – and it ends with either him shooting you – or you shooting him – and either way everyone I love is… gone."

She looked at him, tears starring her eyes.

"I'm sorry. You probably don't want to hear any of this. I – I just had to come see you…"

"To make sure I haven't gone on an insane murder spree?"

Barbara lowered her head in apology.

"I didn't mean it like that…"

Tim exhaled, unlinking his limbs as he leaned back against the table.

"For what it's worth, I don't think I've done anything recently that would land me a spot in Arkham. …Anyway, shouldn't you go see a doctor about this or something? Or someone else who can help, like…"

The weight of unspoken word hung heavy in the air. She shook her head.

"I'm scared. What if they can't treat it, say my condition's permanent? I'm no good to the force like this, I can't function out in the field. I'll have to give up my badge, after I worked so hard to finally get here..."

Tim rolled his eyes slightly.

"Gee, I wonder what that could possibly be like?"

Contriteness crossed her countenance again.

"…Sorry. That was dumb, I shouldn't have said that. I was being selfish, only thinking of myself. I shouldn't have bothered you with this. You've got enough to deal with, you don't deserve to have my issues dumped on you as well."

Tim held up his hand.

"Look, it's okay, Babs. …Is there anything I can do?"

She lifted timidly, chewing her lip.

"I – I was just hoping maybe we could… I don't know – talk for a bit?"

Tim remained mute, mulling for a moment, before turning and walking over to the mini-fridge. Opening it, he retrieved two chilled beer cans before revolving back.

"You want a drink?"

She boosted an eyebrow, but nevertheless gratefully accepted the offering of booze.

"I'm not even going to ask how you got these."

She muttered as she popped the tab and started to chug it down.

…

A nearly emptied six-pack later, they were both more than a bit tipsy, but Barbara especially so. Turns out she wasn't very good at holding her alcohol.

"I mean, who do those jerks think they are?" she slurred as she slammed her container down. "I'm not some little girl or someone's possession. I can date whoever I damn well please."

Tim perceived her lurch lopsidedly as she groped for another, growing concerned.

"Don't you think you've had one too many?"

"I'll be the judge of that," she hicced as she swatted his hand away. Tim persisted however, prying the prize firmly from her fingertips.

"That's it. I think you've had enough."

As he stood up to put the beverage back, he simultaneously fished out his phone and began dialing with his free hand.

"I'm calling your dad to come pick you up."

He felt a pressure on his lower waist, and he looked down to see Barbara clinging to the back of his shirt, burying her flushed forehead against his spine.

"Please," she mumbled into the fabric. "Just let me stay here a little longer."

He gulped, but submissively sat back down. She warmly nestled her head against his shoulder, causing his chest to beat rapidly in confusion.

"…What the hell happened to us, Tim? How did we end up like this? The four of us, hardly even speaking to each other? Dick would never return my phone calls, and Bruce – God, Bruce – I don't even know where to begin with him."

"To be fair, he was never much of a conversationalist to begin with," Tim griped bitterly. "Besides, don't you, uh, have a new boyfriend now?"

He cleared his throat, and Barbara sighed as she sat up, hugging her knees close to her for comfort instead.

"Sam's great. He understands, but… He doesn't really 'get' it, you know? What we've been through."

She traced a rim of condensation on the counter.

"Hey, you remember that time Bruce almost married a plant-woman? That was wild."

"Yeah? What about when Farmer Brown unleashed a bunch of giant mutant insects on Gotham? That's got to be the craziest adventure we ever had."

"Please. You weren't there when Baby Doll and Killer Croc teamed up and nearly nuked the city. I mean, can you imagine those two together? You can't compete with a weirder pair than that."

It was startlingly simple, to slip so smoothly back into nostalgia. Swapping stories, trying to one-up each other's exploits. Barbara would even fondly describe some of the times she worked with the original Dynamic Duo, back during the "good ol' days" – of colorful costumed villains, wacky crimes, and ridiculous motivations. Telling increasingly tall tales and amusing anecdotes that almost made Tim laugh. …Almost.

"So let me get this straight," she repeated, "You flew the Batplane all the way to outer space… to the Justice League Watchtower… by yourself?"

"Yup," Tim responded as he sedately cracked open the last metal vessel still in his lap and took a sip.

Barbara shook her head in disbelief.

"You always were a risk-taker. I still can't believe Bruce went missing and got brainwashed… again. How come I never knew about any of this? Why didn't you contact me?"

"You were off at grad school. I figured I could handle it."

Barbara propped her elbow on the plush, leaning her cheek thoughtfully against it as she tucked her legs underneath her.

"...It's good that you went to them for help."

Tim peered down, picking absently at the paper label, peeling off aluminum.

"Mr. Kent told me afterwards, that Bruce did call him in secret. The operating room's walls were lined with lead though, since they used to take X-Rays and brain scans there. Even the curtain and that stupid apron Joker wore had lead shielding. He had hench-spies stationed everywhere, in Metropolis as well, so he could render me unconscious as soon as Superman showed up and I wouldn't be able to scream. …He really was prepared for everything."

Barbara couldn't believe it. Just how long had that disgusting sicko been planning this?

"What about the Martian? He's a telepath, isn't he?"

Tim shook his head.

"Apparently the last time he attempted a city-wide psychic sweep to look for Luthor, he wasn't able to shut it off. The flood of thoughts nearly drove him mad afterwards. Bruce didn't want to risk it."

"That still doesn't excuse-"

"What's done is done," Tim curtly cut her off, crushing the canister in his grip to transfer his own resentful rage, before tossing it in the trash. "I've accepted the damage. There's no use in going back and flinging hindsight accusations at this point."

Barbara surveyed his sullen expression in overwhelming sympathy.

"…There's one thing Joker didn't count on."

"What?"

"You fighting him off in the end. You were stronger than him. You won."

Knuckles balled on Tim's kneecap.

"That wasn't a win. We lost the moment I confessed everything to him."

"That's not true, Tim."

He shook his head.

"I killed him, Barb. I did what none of us were ever supposed to do. And the worst part is, I – I was glad about it."

She extended her palm to wrap reassuringly around his wrist.

"So? You have every right to be, after what he did to you."

Tim's fist only tautened further as he avoided her eyes, ashamed of his own ugly sin.

"You know, it's ironic – Batman got gassed by Scarecrow once too. Only instead it took away all his fear. He was seriously out of control, to the point where he wasn't even afraid to kill criminals. I had to take him down myself. I… managed to keep him from making a big mistake."

He laughed then, though it sounded hollow. His eyes had such a pained look, moreso than anything physical could've caused him. The hurt was in his heart and soul. Barbara's own heart broke to see him like this. Her brain swam, swarming with remorse. Wishing there was something she could do to help heal him, convince him that he had a good heart, one that was still worthy and capable of loving others, and of being loved in return…

…

Slowly, she inclined forward – and kissed him.

…

For a second, all Tim could register was the flavor of liquor mixed with black licorice – lush and luscious on her lips – before panicking and pushing away.

"What are you doing?"

"I… don't know."

"…I think you're making a big mistake."

Barbara bristled.

"Who says?"

From their positions, she was practically on top of him. He grasped her shoulders, keeping determinedly at bay.

"You're drunk. And probably hallucinating."

"I'm not hallucinating."

He sighed, scraping a hand through his hair.

"I'm not Dick or Bruce, you know. …I'm nobody."

"You're not nobody."

Conflict clouded his eyes.

"Look, this is all kinds of wrong. What about Sam? Besides, your dad would probably kill me…"

The whites around her blue irises widened.

"Kill you…?"

…Shit.

"Babs, no, I didn't mean-"

She slid off, seizing arms around herself, impressing into her flesh.

"He'll kill you. You'll kill him. …Everyone's going to be killed. And it's all my fault."

Shit. Shit shit shit. He should've known better.

"No one's dying. We're all still alive." (…If what they had could be called "living".) "You're just imagining it."

Her claws only clamped tighter.

"Sam… What if he comes after Sam? I'm putting him in danger. Oh God." Her pupils contracted, zoning into the distance. "Sam, don't open the door – he's got a gun!"

This was not good. He was losing her. He tried to twist her around, get her to see him instead of… of… whatever it was she was trapped by.

"Babs? Hey, hey, look at me. Look at me. Whatever you're seeing right now, it's not real. You hear me? It's not real."

She stayed stiff as a board though, staring far off into vacant space.

"Dad. Oh my God, what's he doing to Dad? He's trying to turn him crazy too. No, no, make it stop!"

Worriedly, Tim shook her shoulders.

"Babs, hey, c'mon! Snap out of it!"

Her eyes were glazed, no longer glued to one spot but rolling everywhere else. Darting frantically to and fro. Features contorted, seemingly in some kind of phantom agony.

"My legs. I can't feel my legs. He took my legs."

Nails curled around her abdomen area, clenching cloth in anguish. Scrabbling, scratching, as if searching for something.

"Babs!"

"The baby," she sobbed. "I lost the baby. I couldn't protect him. Couldn't protect… im…"

The last part was muffled by a wounded choke, but… From the way she said it, it kinda sounded like…

His name.

Helpless, Tim looked on with an aching empathy as the normally tough, take-charge woman he always knew coiled into a fetal form, crying miserably. He mused if this was how he must've often looked to the others back then. He didn't know what to do, how to help her. He felt so utterly useless.

Running over options, his mind halted at one possibility. Something that used to help him deal with nightmares as a kid, before… everything. It was probably dumb and desperate, but it was worth a shot.

"Wait here. I'll be right back."

He dashed to the bedroom, opening up the nightstand drawer and fumbling around inside. Withdrawing the object from the far back, he considered it grimly for a beat, before gritting his teeth and resolutely taking it back to where Barbara was now rocking herself.

"Babs? Hey, look: Remember this?"

She ceased instantly when she saw the Batarang suspended in front of her.

"You always felt safe whenever Batman and Robin were around, right? Nothing… bad can happen to you as long as they're there."

Sentiment welled in her ducts as she reached out tentatively for the reminder, cradling it close to her breast.

"Just in case you run into trouble up there."

"Dick… Bruce…"

Tim drew her in towards him in a compassionate embrace, soothingly stroking her quivering back as if she were the child.

"It's okay, Babs. It's okay." He reiterated the phrase in her ear. "You're okay. I'm… okay. We're okay."

They stayed like that for a while, and eventually the shudders and sniffles subsided as she seemed to fall into a fitful sleep. While she still whimpered occasionally, holding the Batarang nearer did appear to help somewhat.

Just then, he heard the opening and closing of the front door as Roy returned from his "date", bounding up the steps and stopping short upon witnessing the scene before him.

"Whoahey, am I interrupting something?"

He grinned, and Tim scowled at the guy's terrible timing.

"This isn't what it looks like. Just hurry up and help me get her to the bed."

Roy was about to open his mouth to make another snide remark, but promptly shut it upon seeing the searing look Tim speared at him, and the sweat and tears on the moaning visitor's visage. Switching into serious mode, he lent a steady hand with supporting her to the mattress. He was still a hero himself, after all, always available to aid any damsels in distress.

As he agreed to take over looking after the patient for the time being, Tim thanked him and left the bedside temporarily, pulling out his cell again as he traveled downstairs. Inhaling deeply, he began to punch in another number he knew all too well, forever engraved in the back of his skull.

After a couple rings, the other end picked up with a gruff greeting.

"…Yes?"

The cold, almost impatient lack of pleasantry was all Tim needed to confirm he had indeed reached the right person.

"Bruce, it's me. …Barbara needs help."

…

When Barbara finally awoke, the first thing she spotted was Tim sitting on a reversed chair next to her, chin reposed idly on his forearms.

"Hey."

"…Hey."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better, I guess. …How long was I out?"

"The whole night. You were tossing and turning a lot."

She elevated gradually, sensing a moist towel fall from her crown onto the sheets in the process. Had he been nursing her this whole time?

As she tracked its descent, she saw she was still adhering to the Batarang as well. She blushed a bit at how babyish she must have seemed, to have to rely on something like this to calm her down.

"Um, thanks. …You can have this back now."

He relieved her of the improvised crutch, and in exchange he handed her a small vial of medication.

"Here, take this. It's similar to what Dr. Thompkins used to give me, but more concentrated. It's not a permanent cure, but it should help with the terrors. It'll likely knock you totally out for a few more days, but you won't have to suffer nightmares during it. If it doesn't work or you're still experiencing symptoms afterwards, call her and she'll adjust the dosage."

"You got this from Leslie?"

"Bruce did."

She gaped in astonishment.

"You actually spoke to him?"

"He just told me what I needed to know, then hung up and sent Alfred over with the stuff. …Typical, huh?"

His jaw drooped a little further into folds, as did his tired-looking lids.

"You're not the first Scarecrow victim to undergo relapses like this. It's rare, but everyone responds to the fear serum differently. Yours is a more severe case."

Barbara thought about how many others had to live their lives in a compromised state (or lost them entirely) all because of some psychopath who kept breaking out of Arkham – no matter how many times they put him back in – if not released through the revolving door due to (hell, courtesy of) all the corruption in the system. How many lives were really spared, while others still suffered because of their incompetence? Inconsequence.

"You know, sometimes I wonder: If what we were doing was ever really the right thing? After what happened with the earthquake… God, I don't know. Maybe this city is beyond hope. …In the end, did we even make any difference? Was it worth it – any of it? We've saved a bunch of people, sure, but at what cost? I mean, just look at us… We're a mess."

Tim simply shrugged.

"At least Dick's still doing okay over in Blüdhaven. And Bruce seems to be handling things fine on his own. Besides, it's not like he ever really needed us anyway. Because he's Batman."

Barbara observed as Tim toyed with the Batarang in his hands, balancing the tip on the chair back. She dropped her view towards the blankets.

"…You're not him, you know," she pronounced harshly. "You'll never be him."

Her own fingers fumbled with the damp napkin, and bottle of medicine, before looking up again with a smile.

"But, that's not a bad thing."

As she said this, she extended out to pat his cheek, noting the dark bags under his eyes. Had he even slept at all, she wondered? …Then again, she was probably taking up his bed, she realized with sudden embarrassment.

Tim seemed even more embarrassed by the affectionate contact, turning away with a cough. The memory of what she had done surged back to her cheeks, and she hastily detached, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, which bloomed a matching humiliated hue.

"Listen, about what happened last night…"

Tim merely waved off whatever she was about to say in advance.

"We were both drunk. It doesn't count."

"…You're awfully quick to dismiss." Detecting his fidgeting, she gleamed in comprehension. "Ah, don't tell me – you've never kissed anyone before?"

A pure pink tinge faintly colored his complexion, corroborating her suspicion.

"Ehehe, did I steal your first kiss, Boy Virgin?"

"Sh- shut up."

His flush deepened further.

"It's not like I've exactly had much opportunity to try it," he murmured in his defense. "…Besides, if we're counting that kind of thing, technically my first time would've been with Dick."

"Oh."

He sniped a sulk at her reaction.

"I gave him CPR once. What were you thinking?"

"Nothing," she declared innocently, hand hovering over her mouth to obstruct a snicker. "I bet this time was a lot better though. I'm sure you must've thoroughly enjoyed it, if not to some extent."

Tim averted his eyes again as she winked at him.

"Wh- who knows."

"Oh please. Don't deny you were the least bit curious. You think I never noticed you sneaking peeks while we were getting changed?"

Tim burned burgundy as he shifted sight down to his toes.

"I was 13. What'd you expect?"

She nodded sagely.

"You are a boy, after all. It's only natural for these things to occur."

She giggled in entertainment at his expense. When the chuckles died down, she checked the time on the alarm clock by the pillow.

"…I guess I should get going now. I'll need to call in to the station to tell them I'm taking the next days off."

He helped see her out. Standing awkwardly in the entrance, he rubbed his neck before addressing encouragingly.

"You're a great cop, Barb. You're gonna do a lot of good things for this city. I know you'll make it a better place."

She beamed.

"Thank you, Tim. …I'll start by confiscating 'this'."

She held up the contraband, which Roy had taken the liberty of hiding again, but there was no way he could outsmart a Bat, even if she wore a different symbol now.

"And I better not catch you with anything like this again, or I will take you in. Got it?"

Tim winced at the strict lecture and slap on the wrist, but nodded. Barbara softened as she reached around to envelop in a broad hug.

"…Don't be a stranger, Tim. You're the only one I can still talk to about all this."

He wavered, but kindly reciprocated the gesture. As she withdrew, she raised an arm to lightly pet his hair, discerning he had finally hit that growth spurt; he was almost at her height now.

"Listen. Someday, you're gonna meet someone special, who loves you just the way you are. And she's gonna be so lucky to have you in her life."

Tim scoffed.

"Yeah, right. Like that's ever gonna happen."

She took his hands in hers. Hands that still twitched and trembled every once in a while, as if afraid to even be touched. Hands that had, in his opinion, committed the greatest act of transgression, taking another's soul and doomed toll on his own – but had also toiled all night to keep changing her cool kerchief, tending and tenderly wiping her temple in enduring devotion to charitable ideals. That had prostrated and prayed, begging for a favor from "God" for her sake, subjugating self in spite of whatever spiteful feelings he bore towards said sore subject. …That had rescued so many lives at the risk of his own, without asking for any reward other than to have a place to call "home", and a "family" who cared for him as much as he did for them. (And even that had been mostly taken from him too, something for which she regretfully shared the blame.)

"Don't give up hope. Things will change. It's gonna get better. I promise."

She stooped forward to peck his cheek, before letting go.

"Thank you, again, for everything. I'll see you around, Tim."

"Yeah. See ya."

She left with a wave, and he halfheartedly did the same as he watched her go.

…

About a week later, after she'd fully recovered and gone back to work as good as new, she received an urgent call from Roy at the hospital.

…

Tim had tried to kill himself.

————————–

That sky glowed all calico, like phosphor in the sea To the ground we fall, she owns us all Kings and boys and beast Kings and boys and beast

#TimSteph #Tim Drake #Timmy Todd #Stephanie Brown #Barbara Gordon #Batman the Animated Series #Batman Beyond #DCAU #Return of the Joker #fanfiction #starstories #*prepares for pitchforks*

[writemoment]

Split Between

Writer: Ellie-Mae (Pen Name)

Part 1/2

Summary:  Y/n has never met Bucky and chose not to get involved during Tony and Steve’s fight. With the war ending on bad terms, Y/n decides to reach out to her patriotic friend. When the Ex Winter Soldier comes into the picture, all she can hope for is this to end on better terms.

Pairing: Marvel Bucky x Reader

Warnings/Rated: None, really. Slow beginning to the rest of the story.

Word Count: 1,438

( Reader ) P.O.V.

“God, he’s such a pain in the a-”

“Tony- Shut up,” I interrupt the billionaire complaining. Every single cell inside me feels split at the thought of our group of friends, our little family, being divided over anything. Especially that being a human life. 

His spiked black hair appears as if it’s glued in mid-air, no matter how many times he frustratedly shakes his head. Steve has been declared as a war criminal, which has brought some kind of angry-guilt to Stark as he reflects on the outcome of their disagreement.

I don’t quite like to pick sides, so I feel sympathetic for both parties. Steve was the only one around here that could quench the thirst of my old soul, telling me stories of his youth. It was a great contrast to the genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist with the modern up-to-date technology. 

Nevertheless, I enjoyed their contribution to our daily life as the Avengers. Now all of that is blown away and gone in the New York city breeze. Standing up from my stool at the kitchen island, I excuse myself for previously arranged plans.

Stark knows better than to ask and I’m glad. It’d be extremely hard to explain how I know the whereabouts of our war criminal and that I’m off to visit him. I’m one of the few that stays in contact with Steve. I grab my stuff and wander out of the facility to drive myself to my next location.

It takes me about three hours to make it to the isolated house in which Steve and his ex winter soldier friend occupy. It has been four months since the fight, and I haven’t seen him since. Frankly, I’m sort of nervous about making acquaintance with James Barnes. However, I trust Steve and that relieves some of the anxiety I have towards James.

Pulling the vehicle around the back, I park and take a deep breath before exiting the car. Grass has sprouted through the thin, scattered gravel, but it doesn’t do much to muffle the rough crunch beneath my soles. The house is beautiful, if it weren’t overgrown in vines and the wood weren’t chipping of it’s pale paints. The dark grey shutters compliment the cold, decaying look in such a beautifully tragic sense. 

Stepping up onto the creaking wrap-around porch, I tentatively rap my knuckles against the splintered surface a few times. Faint footsteps near the door but my heart bursts at the familiar, friendly smile that I’m greeted with. “Steve-”

The both of us step forward at the same time, wraping each other in a comforting embrace before he ushers me inside. The interior of the structure is welcoming and home-like, a great difference from the outside. I know that under different circumstances, Steve would keep up with the exterior with the same care as in here. Sadly, his hiding keeps that from being a possibility.

“Y/n, it’s so good to see you again. How have you been?” Rogers asks, smiling as I follow him through the house. We enter the living room and I take a seat on the one couch that’s setting in the corner, Captain America joining beside me. 

Sighing, I chuckle lightly as I wrack my brain for words. “I’m alright. It’s been...hectic. When you were there, everything seemed to have order and now, things seem so different,” I shrug it off, not wanting him to feel bad. “I miss talking to you during breakfast, though.”

Steve nods, looking at the distant wall with a concentrated expression. Down the hall, I hear rummaging and it snaps me back to the realization that we’re not the only ones here. Steve seems to have remembered this as well, since he gazes to the entrance.

Almost spawning from thin air, a man with long, dark hair and a whirring metal arm appears. Steve stands, looking between his two friends. “Hey, Bucky- this is Y/n. She’s a friend from the Avengers.” He introduces.

I spot the scruff of his jaw shift as he clenches it before choosing to nod in my direction. I mumble out a tiny ‘nice to meet you’ before fixing my gaze back onto anything but him. There’s attractive features underneath all the scruff and hair, which I find myself continually observing.

All too soon, Steve excuses himself and leaves Bucky and me to the awkward silence that’s settling thick upon the room. The longer we wait, the more I convince myself that I could literally take a knife and slice into the atmosphere. “So...” His rough voice catches my attention as I sit, shocked, at his attempt at conversation. “If you were with Steve on the Avengers, then where were you during all of this?”

He takes me back with his blunt question and I can detect the hint of irritation in his tone. “I chose to not take sides in the matter. The team is like my family- they’re all I have.”

Bucky scoffs at me and I raise a challenging brow at him, just waiting to see what will fall from his lips. “Basically, you didn’t want to risk losing.”

“Losing what, exactly? Care to explain, Mr.Barnes?”

Sitting up straighter, he rests his metalic hand on his knee as he gestures with his flesh one. “Losing the fight. If you cared, even a little, for Steve, you would have fought with us. The reason is clear, doll.” He tries to dismiss me with a wave of his hand but I ignore it.

“No, that’s nowhere near the reason. You shouldn’t speak of which you do not know.” He tries to argue back, but I speak through it. “As I said before; the team is all I have. You can sit here and judge me all day, but I couldn’t choose between them. I don’t care about being on the losing team if that’s what I believe in, what I choose to fight for. No, I care about losing the ones I love most in this world. Not that I need your opinion to feel validated.”

With that, I stand and push away from the furniture. As I curve around the corner, I feel cold metal wrap around my wrist. Just as his lips part to speak, Steve rounds the corner and walks straight into my body. Stumbling backwards, Bucky’s grip is the only thing that keeps me from tumbling down to the ground.

Steve reaches forward to stablize me, apologizing profusely. “It’s okay, Cap- honestly.” I try and reasssure him. His eyes flicker between his long-time friend and me, causing his brows to wrinkle the space in-between. Everything sounds deathly quiet as I gather myself together and try to calm my breathing.

“Y/n will be staying with us for a few days, Buck. She’ll be in the spare bedroom.” Steve explains, clearly having forgotten to give a heads-up to him. I expect some kind of negative reaction out of the winter soldier, but he just gives a quick nod before dismissing it with his body language.

Swiftly, I follow Steve through to the room I’ll be staying in and smile to myself at the the made bed with a pop of my favorite color. “Thank you, this is great.” He smiles to me before leaving me to unpack. Turning to the bed, I start to put my things into the short dresser beside the bed but my mind gets awfully distracted. Hearing a hesitant knock on my door-frame, I turn to see Bucky Barnes standing there with his flesh hand resting on the back of his neck.

“Hey- Sorry about earlier. You’re right, I was talking out without knowing the circumstances. Forgive me?” His weight shifts as he leans against the entrance, his head lolling back onto the stained wood. The pleading behind the blue of his eyes cause a funny feeling to boil up into my stomach.

Hesitantly at first, I nod but it’s soon followed by a chuckle. His face contorts into a smile and I feel as if I’ve been winded as I lose my breath. “Great! Well, I’ll see you around, doll.” After that, he turns and disappears from my view. Somehow, deep down in my gut, I know that this could end as just as badly as Iron Man vs Captain America.

Yet, I find myself smiling to myself as I think about James Bucky Barnes and his heart-warming smile. I find myself split between being rational or being bound by my attraction. As my heart pounds at the thought, I know that this could end badly.

My heart and my mind disagree as I choose the latter.

Part Two Here

Masterlist Here

A/N: I know it’s not much but I was super busy and didn’t have much time to build the story for it to be a one-shot. So...part two will be a lot more interesting, I promise. This is just something for while I’m gone. Thanks! - Ellie-Mae

Tags: @britishfangirl @jcalpha1

#marvel #bucky barnes #bucky #uncle buck #bucky james barnes #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #winter solider imagine #winter soldier #bucky x reader #marvel fandom #marvel fanfiction #mcu #mcu fanfiction #fanfic writing #fanfic blog #fandom blog #multi fandom blog #sebastian stan #james barnes #stan lee #marvel comics #marvel cinematic universe #fandom

[sportanime-maniac]

Request!!

so can you write a scenario about how kuroo is getting on a flight back home and he ends up sitting next to a girl he doesn’t know(the reader😱) and they start up a conversation and realize they have tons in common and they live in the same city and they just talk the whole plane ride. then when the plane lands they leave the airport together and go out on a date or something??

Ok, so it's slightly different to what you asked, but I'm going to make it so they've actually met briefly before if that's ok. The outcome will still be the same though! :D

Kuroo always loved visiting his family in Australia - it was his yearly holiday, as well as restbite from the family he called the Nekoma Volleyball Team. As much as he loved them all, he could not bring himself to be with them 24/7, 365 days a year. The one thing he didn't particularly like was the airports and flying. Sure, he could speak English, and read it, but it was difficult when so many people spoke the language so fast and with so many different accents. (Trust me, people from the north of England cannot be understood by the people from the south of England because of the accents.) He checked in, put his luggage through, and went through security, sighing. 'The difficult part was over' he thought to himself, buying some water and food for the flight before going to his gate.

Shortly after, he got onto his flight, and sat in his seat. It wasn't a big plane, so there were only four seats per row, rather than six or nine. He sat on the aisle seat, waiting to be asked to move. He waited for a few minutes, before someone stopped next to him. He looked up, and in mild surprise, saw someone of his own nationality. He hoped she spoke Japanese, but didn't hold any expectations.

"Hi, um my seats the one next to the window," she said, in Japanese, and he sighed in relief, before moving and noticing she had quite a big bag.

"Do you want me to put that up here?" he asked, pointing to the overhead locker.

"Oh, yes please, thank you," she replied gratefully, and slipped into her seat. As he put her bag in the overhead locker, he couldn’t help but notice the volleyball keyring on it. As he sat down, and put his seatbelt on, he spoke,

"I'm glad that I'm not next to an Australian. It's difficult to understand them sometimes," he admitted. She grinned, and he noticed just then that she was probably a similar age to him.

"I agree. Although I can understand them, it takes all my concentration," she agreed. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself, my name is ___," she bowed her head.

"Kuroo, Kuroo Tetsuro. That's a pretty name though, ___...-san?" he said, asking about the honorific.

"Thank you. Just call me ___. Honorifics are too formal," she told him. He nodded. He was about to speak again when the air host started explaining the emergency procedures. Next to him, he noticed the female yawn. She glanced over to him, and started mouthing the exact words, and doing the actions of the plane employees in an eccentric, slightly camp manner, to which he grinned. She obviously flew a lot, which he could relate to. After the announcements, the plane started moving at a taxi around the airport to the runway.

"Do you like flying, Kuroo-kun?" she asked, popping a piece of chewing gum in her mouth to help her ears pop when they got in the air, and offering a piece to him. He accepted one, thanking her.

"Well, I don't dislike it, but it can be a bit unnerving," he told her. She chuckled.

"I agree." They were silent for the take off, both watching out the window, saying their silent goodbye to the land of Kangaroo's and Christmas' in summer.

"___?" Kuroo asked.

"Yes?"

"Do you like volleyball? I noticed you had a keyring on your bag," he said, excusing himself from the embarrassment of the extremely random question.

"Like it? I'm a manager for my university," she told him. "I'm a first year, and I was a manager in high school too. I just love to watch it…" she said, remembering the last game her team had played.

"Oh! You're only a year older than me then. I play volleyball at my highschool, and I totally agree that it's an amazing game to watch," he told her. They spoke about their respective high school teams, and how awesome they were.

"Which high school were you at? Kuroo asked, out of curiosity. (Just go with this please.)

"Fukurodani," she told him. He just stared at her as though she was an alien. "What?" she asked him cautiously.

"You're kidding right?" he asked.

"No…why?"

"So, do you know Bokuto, and Akaashi?" he asked. Her eyes lit up.

"Wait, you know those two as well?" she asked. He laughed.

"I go to Nekoma," he told her. She frowned, and thought back to the many training camps, before it clicked.

"You're the time delay attack kid!" she said, before going red and apologising. He laughed.

"Is that the best nickname you can come up with?" he asked. She grinned.

"Oh shush. You probably don't remember me, do you?" she asked. His grin fell a little.

"Not really. I was too busy trying to beat that hyper owl," he said. She chuckled.

"Don't worry about it. This is such a weird coincidence though," she shivered, a little weirded out. Over the course of the flight, they played cards, spoke about random topics, nerded out, and made consistent jokes. It was probably the most enjoyable flight either of them had been on. Kuroo went to the bathroom just before the descent was about to start, but when he came back he had a small frown on his face.

"Why do they have frosted windows in the aeroplane bathroom? Who's going to be looking in at 30,000 feet?" he muttered to himself. ___ heard this and chuckled.

"If this were a submarine, I'd say a diver, but I really don't know," she thought about it. They were both way too perplexed by it.

"Why are we even thinking about this? That's so random," Kuroo shook his head, chuckling.

"Well, random is my middle name," ___said, grinning. He shook his head. Over the past few hours, they'd gotten quite close, and Kuroo noticed that he found her really easy to talk to. She hadn't judged him once, for his puns, accidental nerdiness, or his over obsession with volleyball. In fact, she was pretty much the same. He was glad that she was quite open to teasing and jokes made at her own expense, just as much as he was. She had teased him about his hair, while he teased her about her height, which they both just laughed at. Their mood was going down just as the plane was, and they both realised they didn't really want to say goodbye to each other for good at the airport.

"Hey, ___? What do you say to meeting up sometime?" Kuroo asked as the plane landed. She looked over at him in surprise, her eyes not hiding the fact that she'd thought about the exact same thing, before she grinned, a glint appearing in her eyes.

"Are you asking me on a date, Kuroo Tetsuro?" she returned the question. As she did, he realised that asking her out on a date was exactly what he was doing.

"As a matter of fact, I am," he replied. She didn't fluster or fault, but chuckled.

"Then of course I will meet up with you sometime…for a date," she told him. Most girls he spoke to got flustered, or sometimes even couldn’t talk, because all they knew him as was the captain of the volleyball team. ___ hadn't done any of those things. She was just as dorky and awkward as him, but had the same amount of confidence as he would have expected from someone who used to have to babysit Bokuto. Someone without a small ego, or masses of confidence could never do that.

As they walked through the airport at arrivals and went through passport control, ___ wrote her phone number down and gave it to him.

"Let me know when and where, and I'll be there. I wouldn't be opposed to a conversation now and then too," she told him. He chuckled.

"As you wish," Kuroo said. They both grinned, and said farewell, but they both knew it was only temporary, as they both wanted to see each other again as much as the other did.

___ got into a taxi, and told him directions to her flat. As she turned off aeroplane mode on her phone, she got several texts. Two from her mother, one from her best friend, and one from an unsaved number. She replied to her family and friend first before opening it with a small smile and blush on her face.

If you hadn't guessed, it's your sky high guy. She laughed. Even though it was so cringe how he started the conversation, she couldn't help but love how he broke the ice so easily, and removed awkwardness from any situation.

That's the name going in my phone now, and you're just going to have to deal with it, until you come up with a better one, she replied. A few seconds later, her phone buzzed again, and she opened the message.

Then I guess we'll have to go for that date sooner than later, otherwise I'll be stuck with it.

It was only a few days later, and they had both just about recovered from the flight, when they met up in Tokyo. Neither of them had actually seen the other in their natural environment, since you choose comfy clothes for flying, rather than your favourite ones if you're smart. ___ arrived at the meeting point on time and looked around, to see the male she was looking for standing against a wall. Grinning, she walked over.

"Hey, sky high guy, it's good to see you again," she greeted, and he laughed, his normal hyena laugh, which was infectious and made the female grin too.

"Alright, we're going to have to change that," he told her, as he looked her over. He wasn't really bothered about how a girl looked, since he had basically already fallen in love with her personality. When he had got home, he messaged his brOWL, and told him who he'd met, and Bokuto gave a very accurate description of the female he had met, as well as more.

"She's feisty, and competitive, so if you challenge her, prepare to lose," he said, and coming from Bokuto, who almost always won everything he set his mind to, that was high praise.

"How about we go for some food, and then go to the arcades?" Kuroo asked, and he physically felt her eyes light up at the challenge.

"Sure, where do you want to eat?" she asked; her voice not betraying the fact she really wanted to kick ass in the arcade.

"Wherever," Kuroo replied. She laughed.

"Then I'm just going to be honest and tell you that I'm quite happy going to get takeaway grease food," she admitted. Kuroo realised that he already related too much to this female already, and laughed.

"Then takeaway it is. Let's go," he said, taking her hand, and off they went, on their wonderfully relaxed date. They didn't need to be formal, nor did they need to hold up to any expectation, as they'd already seen each other in an aeroplane. What could be a better way to meet someone, since they're obviously not on the lookout for someone to date, so they're not putting any effort into anything. It was perfect, and anyone who saw the two together agreed.

#kuroo tetsurou #haikyuu!! #kuroo tetsurō #private request #thank you! #i loved writing this #enjoy!

[norgad-vcd]

Revised Text

What goes on, online?

Anything and everything. It’s a beautiful and vibrant mess of human interaction. Everything from trivial and thoughtless acts to the most sincere and genuine deeds. It’s grounds for the vicious and the virtuous alike. The internet is what you make of it; a tool as good or bad as it’s wielders.

It’d take a thousand lifetimes to see it all.

How about a quick glimpse instead?

Hiya, I’m Tom! I’ve spent enough of my life online that I can confer some of my findings to you. This book is a smörgåsbord of experiences, phenomena, and memories I’ve been witness to and participant in during my time here. While not a full picture, it should help you navigate the ballpark of possibilities out there. My experiences are just one sample from billions; perhaps after this you’ll seek to venture out further into that world-wide web, or - at the very least - understand a little better those who do.

Friendships don’t care about how you nourish them, just that you do.

Catching up online is great for keeping friends close. It might be raining, someone might be away from home, or even sick and stuck at the hospital; the reason doesn’t matter. It might not be perfect - and sure, we could all get a little more sunlight - but for what it’s worth it’s good for the soul and sometimes the best thing on hand.

How do I put this?

It’s not all the same thing though, there’s different tools for different jobs. There’s a difference between how I talk to people in an idle chat and talking to someone in a formal meeting; different modes of communication for different settings and people. It’s the same thing with online modes of communication. Sending a message on Discord to one of my friends, I’d take a casual, grammarless, and very loose style of typing. Contrast that with an email to my grandmother; that’s much more structured and considered, like a half mimicry of a handwritten letter to be delivered by post. People still sign off emails with their names at the end, as if emails don’t also just tell you who they’re from in the ‘sender’ info.

Occasionally I’ll need to message someone I only vaguely know. In these circumstances it can feel a bit standoffish and unfamiliar. I’ll type out sanitised and unambiguous sentences; without tone of voice - or a history of talking to the person online before - it’s hard to judge sarcasm, emotion, and everything else conveyed nonverbally in a conversation. Erring on the side of caution seems to be the best bet, until we both get to know each other’s style of writing a bit better.

Over the first 2020 lockdown, me and most of my real-life friends started a minecraft server together and played through it for the duration of our stint stuck at home. It was like a little clubhouse, each time we logged in and saw things change slightly since last time. We left each other notes and set up gifts and pranks for when people left and returned. It was a great way to keep in touch when we were otherwise very isolated from social contact.

On a lot of platforms there’s a little indicator that tells you if someone’s online, offline, or possibly busy. This is really useful to see if someone might be free to talk or hang out. It’s also really good at betraying to someone the fact that I still have not gone to sleep, despite the fact that I said I was going to sleep about four hours ago.

To be fair, they said they were going to sleep about four hours ago as well.

[JOSH TEXT]

A big benefit to text chat is that if I’m preoccupied and all my friends are talking about something, I’m not left behind and out of the loop. I can always re-read what everyone wrote once I have time, pick up all the new inside jokes and keep up to date with people’s lives. The same can’t be said for voice chat; if I miss a hangout there I’ve missed it for good. This can get a bit weird if people are using both at the same time though; the text portion of the chat devolves into a complete mess of contextless strings of text and images out of nowhere. With a keen eye and a bit of detective work I can often piece together the general gist of the missed conversation, but other times it remains a mystery forever.

Whenever someone sends me a meme, I’m elated. I get to look at a funny picture, but I also get to send that same funny picture to someone else. Who knows how many hands the image passed through before it reached me, and how many more hands it will pass through before it reaches its final viewer. Maybe it’ll never reach a final resting place, instead getting recycled and remixed into memes anew until the end of time.

[ANOTHER GUEST SPEAKER TEXT]

Who are you, on the internet?

Online, your real-life identity isn’t attached to you by default. Of course there’s places where the expectation is indeed a connection to real identities - like Facebook for example - but this is not a requirement. I’m not known as ‘Tom’ online, people know me by my username.

It’s not a fake me, or a way to lie to people, it’s just an alternate expression of myself. We act differently to different people in so many social situations, - from time with family, to at work, and to hanging out with friends - the internet allows even more possible ways to express parts of ourselves. For me, it’s liberating to exist in a state that’s disconnected from the tangle of my real life self, and to keep the tangle of my internet presence away from real life as well.

On the internet, nobody knows who you are.

Unless you divulge them to others, your identity, physical appearance, background, nationality, gender, race and so on are completely unknown; this is the great equalizer. Free from biases based on your physical self, you can be perceived as purely another person.

A clean slate can tempt some however to act recklessly. If an identity and history can be shed so easily, some people feel emboldened to act without the threat of consequences; verbally beat someone up, and then wash their hands of the whole incident.

It’s important to remember that people online are still people; while their faces might be obscured, they still have thoughts and feelings. In general, talking to people online has about the same potential as real-life to be great, awful, or somewhere inbetween; it’s mostly luck of the draw who you’ll run into.

I don’t know the names or faces of some of my closest friends.

That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them; I just care more about who they are as an individual. I still know their personalities, their sense of humor, what they like and don’t, and everything else you’d know about a friend. We still have inside jokes, favourite group pastimes, and all the rest.

Who are you talking to?

When I was younger and my parents would ask who I’m talking to on the computer, I wouldn’t know how to respond.

Do I tell them “I don’t know” and spark images in their heads of catfishers and criminals?

Do I tell them my friend’s username and get told “that’s not a real name”?

Most of the time I’d just try to give a vague non-answer and hope the conversation goes elsewhere. Keep my little world safe.

[SYDNEY TEXT]

Perfect is the enemy of good.

Because everyone lives in different time-zones, it can often be difficult to pre-plan hangouts. Oftentimes me and my friends have planned to have a movie night at a specific time, and then once that time rolls around, one or two people are still offline, probably asleep. Oftentimes whoever was missing will come online several hours later and be sorry and upset that they held everyone up and wasted everyone’s time. Of course, we had all just postponed the movie night and just hung out and chatted instead.

Oftentimes we have to accept that it’s near impossible to have everyone hang out at the same time; it’d require half of us to be up at god awful times or to wake up at 4am for something. Instead of trying to plan big ‘everyone’ events every once in a blue moon, we try to have frequent but smaller hangouts. It might mean that we don’t get to see everyone at the same time, but it’s still workable. If we were to hold out till everyone was free at the same time, we’d never end up hanging out at all.

She should have been back by now.

A while ago, someone in one of my friend groups noted that someone hadn’t been online for two weeks. Dread set in. We all knew that our friend was very prone to getting ill, and we didn’t want to say it but we were worried she might have died. Since we don’t know each other in ‘real life’ it was entirely possible that someone could drop dead one day and we’d never get any confirmation; just left wondering what happened. We asked around in common friend circles, and nobody had heard from her, coming up on about three weeks at that point. We had to do something.

Multiple friend circles of people from all around the world, scrambling to find any scrap of information about our lost friend. One person had ‘maybe’ an address that they sent something to once, but it might have been an old house. We found about three different possible legal names, and had no way to be sure which was right. We ended up sending a letter addressed to the name we thought was most likely to be right, or to “the family of”. Someone tried ringing her house, but the people on the other end of the line didn’t know who we were, and we didn’t know who they were; we got hung up on because they thought we were stalkers. It was all desperate fumbling in the dark, but we were worried sick.

There were only ever two possible outcomes; if she came back we would find out she was alright, if she didn’t we would be left eternally hoping she would. Nobody wants to be the one to say “Hey guys, I think our friend might be dead, we should give up.” Time soon gave us our answer; she was alright. She had been stuck in hospital for a while and didn’t have access to a phone to let us know what had happened. We were all so relieved and had a laugh over how everyone overreacted, but it really did scare me. I’ve learned to really value the time I get to spend with my online friends; next time might not be so lucky, and if something were to happen it’s hard to ever get closure on it.

There’s never been a better time to pick up a new hobby.

One thing the internet’s really helped with is connecting like-minded individuals. Before the internet, if you had a niche hobby, you were probably the only person you know in your town with that hobby. Kinda lame, yeah? Nowadays, you can reach across the globe and connect with everyone who’s into the same stuff as you! Mainstream topics can have gargantuan communities, but what I find even more interesting is the weird obscure hobbies and groups, the kind that would never survive without the internet.

People online dedicate huge amounts of their free time to making resources and guides to almost everything. Need more bespoke help? You’d be hard pressed not to find someone who’s keen to chat more about their favourite pastime, if it means welcoming a new person into the fold. Guides and resources, instructional videos; it doesn’t matter if you’re trying to get into carpentry, cooking or, (mine)crafting; you’ll find support along the way.

Some things really should have stayed niche.

Conspiracy theorists. Hate groups. Radical extremists. The internet’s power to connect people can also amplify voices that really didn’t need amplifying. What once were lone people with fringe beliefs - isolated and ‘alone’ - are now monstrous communities with the power to warp people’s sense of normality. There’s a critical mass where people don’t need to interact with people with outside views, they’ve got plenty of people to talk to in your own bubble. They don’t need to ‘go outside’.

We’re all susceptible to this; it’s only human. However, it’s important to stay vigilant. While you shouldn’t keep people around that make you miserable, you shouldn’t block out the first sign of dissent. Maintain a healthy variety in the people you talk to, and the content you consume.

[ANDREW TEXT]

In the rules discussion channel of a board game group I’m in, I swear sometimes it’s like I’m stuck in a time loop. I watch a random person ask a common question about the game, and then someone else will get the rules clarified for them. A few hours will pass, the conversation drifting elsewhere as people drop in and out. Suddenly, I spot it; the same question from before, but from a different person. Like clockwork, another nameless devout will rise up and deliver the answer. And again. And again. It’s like a two-line stage show where the audience is also the cast, over and over and over.

Since profile pictures and usernames are self-selected, every time I talk to someone new I get a weird little keyhole view of what who I’m talking to might be like.

This person has a picture of a cat as their profile image. Is it their cat, or did they just think the cat looked nice? Their username is ‘Millie’, is that their real life name; maybe? Or what if it’s the cat’s name? Are they pretending to be their cat? Are they a cat?

[RAZEK TEXT]

I do a wee bit of online gaming, and in a lot of these games the people you get paired with are completely random. I know nothing about this motley crew I’ve been thrown into, and yet we’re all expected to conform into a cohesive team and work together to win. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the luck of the draw has it that I’m paired with a bunch of inept clowns, and sometimes I’m paired with intelligent and skilled players who I mesh with really well. On the odd occasion, I might even strike up a good conversation with my team, build up some rapport. Start cracking jokes and bantering.

There’s a strong but ephemeral connection..

Sooner or later, the game ends. We say our goodbyes, and the game throws us back to the wind; like two ships passing in the night. There’s a slim chance we’ll ever both be in the same game again, but it doesn’t matter that much. We still had a good time, made a brief but positive impact on someone else’s day; and hey, there’s always the chance one of us sends the other a friend request before we leave.

Having a large presence online - that is, having other people follow or be ‘fans’ of you - is a mixed bag. For me it’s been really good in allowing me to get my art out there and get clients, but it’s also weird. It feels a bit like I’m up on a stage sometimes, everyone’s watching me. I’ve lost the feeling of being ‘just another guy in the crowd’. What if someone reads something I posted the wrong way? Do I keep being aloof and carefree, or will that hurt my image. Should I care?

[CHAI TEXT]

People with large presences can feel familiar, friendly, like you’re already friends. I’ve caught myself falling into this in the past. The brain’s great at filling in the details you want to be real. I realised that I had it written in my head that this person was super cool and the best and that it’d be really cool if we hung out; all extrapolation. While it’s entirely possible that they were everything I had imagined them to be, until it’s tested it’s all just imagination and fantasy. If I’ve never talked to them, how could I even know?

[DAVID TEXT]

What happens when the digital and the physical self have to intersect?

The two identities are from the same person, but they’re not the same.

One time, my parents sent me a text along the lines of “Your sister showed us your art; looking really cool Tom!”.

How.

I’d never sent my family any of my online profiles. I check my Twitter; sure enough in front of my eyes the screen tells me my sister has followed my twitter account. Abject horror. How much did they look at? What did they think? Should I start looking for a flat?

It’s not that I had anything to hide, it’s just that it felt… misaligned. Like two worlds coming together that shouldn’t. I’m sure for them it was just “Wow, look at our son go!”, but for me in the moment it was a sudden wave of confusion and dread.

One time, I was lucky enough to have a few of my internet friends visit in real life. I was showing them around my house, when I ran into my mum. It hit me. Who do I even introduce these people as? We all know each other by our online names and had been using them in conversation minutes earlier, but that would make no sense to my poor mum. And so, awkwardly, one by one my friends rattled off a set of names entirely alien to me. We all barely managed to keep straight faces as each of us discovered “Wait, this person’s called WHAT?”.

We all promptly forgot each other’s names within about two minutes.

Thanks to the internet, I met my partner.

Almost four years later we’re still going strong, twelve thousand kilometers apart. It helps a lot that a lot of our common interests can be done online, chiefly gaming and movies. But even the other stuff, we can still do together in some aspects. We always say good morning and goodnight to each other on the phone, and fill each other in on what we’ve been up to that day. If we go somewhere and see something cool, we can still share pictures and videos. If I make a really nice dinner, I can send them the recipe and they can have a taste (though that last one might depend on their cooking skills).

Of course, it’s not identical to an in-person relationship. We have to put a lot more effort into reaching out to each other and making time to hang out and talk; it won’t happen by accident. We’re both really looking forward to being able to move together, but until then, being together apart isn’t all that bad.

[WESLEY TEXT]

Listen a moment, before you go.

I am only one person. My field of view is limited, as is my experience. Take my advice with a grain of salt, I can’t prepare you for everything. There’s so much more waiting out there for you to uncover, some good, some bad; be sensible.

[CREDITS ‘N’ SHIT]

[itsnotresilience]

How I Talk About Trauma

Inspired by early 2010 essay “why me and why now”

I recently mentioned to friend that I have nearly 30 years worth of memoir essays stashed mostly in expertly hidden journals and spiral bound notebooks throughout my home. I hadn’t ever really mentioned to anyone, really, ever. I have/had no intention of ever doing anything with my often rambling stories mixed with poetry and observation. This friend gave me just enough encouragement and expressed just enough curiosity that I decided to go back and see if I had enough to cobble together a cohesive creative memoir piece.

I’m not the sort of gal who thinks people are all that interested in reading about my life. I’m afraid of their judgment and wonder how easily my style of oversharing and conversational prose will sit with them. I do know that people are interested in hearing my stories. I’ll often make some self-deprecating comment in passing, only to find myself explaining my comment through some story about a personal traumatic event. In these moments, I’m at my most vulnerable, letting people in to see behind the curtain, hoping for their empathy and secretly desiring that they find inspiration in the “Meghan then versus Meghan now” of it all. There’s an additional must mention element to sharing our stories that didn’t exist to the same extent when I wrote the essay that inspired this one and definitely was an issue for the vast majority of my other still-buried writings, social media. The proliferation of social media and the encompassing issues around what we share, how we share, who sees it and any potential impacts can’t be ignored. The fear of the judgment and ugliness of the keyboard armies can’t be understated. There are people who will define you by what you share and their are people who will use your vulnerability to their advantage for whatever perverse enjoyment they get out of destroying the lives of other for attention. This is a very real fear to me as I write this now, trusting the reader with my feelings and saying always with an asterisk, this is my life as I was/am living it. This is my perspective, interpretation/reinterpretation of events that in some cases happened 30 years ago. Anyone who says they remember something exactly how it happened even 5 years ago, especially a traumatic event, well- I wouldn’t call them a liar, it’s an important piece of my thinking I’m sharing here- but I would say it’s likely someone else from their life remembers it slightly differently and recalls a drastically different set of outcomes and experiences. It’s important I mention that because so often when people publish personal essays or memoirs the colloquial “that didn’t happen that way” or “that’s not what I remember” comments almost always occur. So I say with an asterisk that this essay discusses events and feelings as I remember them, colored by my perspective then versus now and altered by my overall ability to be subjective or objective about what was going on. You may remember me differently. You may have seen me a different way than I actually felt. I may have lied to you (more on that later). I may be lying to myself (lots more on that later). I may be remembering different timeframes and my reactions and confusing them, so let’s talk about that now.

When we talk about trauma, communally, socially or even in mass media, we often hear it, see it, experience it, as a story arch. The beginning is the traumatic event/s, the middle is either the present or the immediate outcome, and the ending is either the present or the big reveal of why present person is who present person is. In the sneakiest depictions, we may not know what the real trauma story is until the very end and you find yourself pointing at the screen ( I did this last week myself) and saying, “I knew it! I knew all along that’s what really happened!” This is called the unreliable narrator. The story is told first person subjective so you are experiencing the events as the narrator remembers and experiences them and possibly not the way they happened. This leads us to feel mislead but there’s an important aspect of how our brains operate at work here. Our brains are designed to help us survive. It’s a hard wired evolutionary instinct. What that means from a trauma aspect is that the brain often finds a way to cope with trauma, whether it sudden or long-lasting trauma. That coping mechanism, often defined in the most simple terms is flight or fight. I’m not a fan of either term because experience tells me it’s not simple to know if your brain is “flighting or fighting”. You may not physically run away and you may not physically fight back. Trauma response just isn’t that simple, it’s hard for me to understand, even years later what my brain was doing and somethings I don’t recall at all or come to me in the most obscure or totally in-opportune times. I will say that what I’m about to share and most of what I share is a form of flight and this flight always makes me an unreliable narrator. Those closest to me have heard me say, likely way too many times, I do not trust myself as the narrator of my own story. That’s a sad and scary place to be. I do think my brain remembers thing in ways that make them easier for me to deal with. Repression has a way of creating a false sense of yourself and the way things were. That’s why we feel tricked as an audience. We feel we weren’t showed what really happened. The truth is we are shown almost always what some observer think happened from their perspective. We can often collect similar observations and determine a set of common descriptions and then say, we now have the factual actual occurrence but it’s still really not what happened. If we had some omnipotent recording system that was unfiltered and unedited by any human then we could potentially see what actually happened all the time but I guarantee at least one person would still pipe up and say, “that’s not what happened at all”. Anyway, as you’re reading and if you see anything that you do think happened some other way, I want to hear from you. Not so we can argue because as I just explained, I’m more likely to believe YOU than my own memories, but so we can share how we both experienced that same event.

Ok. So recently I’ve been doing some pretty deep work on managing my response to trauma. After 20+ years of therapy, I feel like an expert patient who’s finally having an “aha” moment. That moment isn’t refreshing or relieving, it can take weeks of introspection on a tiny realization for me to get anywhere with it but I guess, unluckily, I have lots of time for isolated introspection. This is another important point for my long term friends who know I have a deep fear of alone time. Not the few hours at the end of a work day alone time, but weeks or months of mostly alone time. These kinds of alone time usually send me on the dark and anxious paths of my mind and I start doing whatever I can to avoid the paths and avoid the dark, mainly because when I allow myself to live in the dark and anxiety- very bad things happen. I know that sounds ominous, but it will make much more sense later. For now, just know that being alone means putting my sanity at risk. This year made being alone unavoidable and finding a peace with that, a way to introspect, to accept my darkness and then force myself to sit with it has been my challenge.

Fairly recently, friends have been sending me podcasts, books, meditations, TedTalks, and even virtual webinar recordings focused on mental health issues. I love all of it to be frank. Not the material itself, sometimes it doesn’t really speak to me, but I love that I have that community, one that I know I fostered just by being vulnerable and shining a light on my own struggles with mental health. I wasn’t always receptive to these suggestions- I felt criticized and judged- like am I that crazy people think I need more help? Eventually I realized it’s love. Someone is sharing something that helped them and frankly that’s what inspires this essay on an essay too. This helped me. You may not write but maybe just reading it will help you.

The first line of my early 2010 essay which isn’t dated until page 3 (this tells me I wrote an entire section much earlier based on content, then came back and finished it) was “why me”. This is a common thought pattern well established by a seeming luck to be unlucky. There’s years that I’ve said, maybe next year so much bad shit won’t happen, most of the time maybe slightly less shit happens but I’m likely to remember it all as constant shit anyway. I’ll remember a slightly more nostalgic time frame, only to remember, oh but XYZ happened too, so that wasn’t a good time. The difference in 2020 is everyone had a “shit what else could happen” year so it was the first time I didn’t feel so alone in that. There’s an exhaustion in one crazy whatever happening after another that I felt less alone in. That’s doesn’t mean I’m happy we are all sharing in a long term trauma event but it is less isolating to know we are in this together, even if our individual situations are different.

Any hoo, back to why me. The why me of 2009 to 2012 was cervical and ovarian cancer. The why me was quitting my MBA program. The why me was my marriage falling apart. The why me was finally, my career falling apart too. It’s still hard to talk about how I felt during that time. Most of the time, I felt nothing. In fact, I say that over and over in my 2010 essay. I felt nothing for no one, not even myself. However I know some of my friends from that time, just read that line and thought, no you were all over the place, all the time, emotionally. I felt nothing. It was like I was a walking emotion that didn’t actually exist inside. Let’s call it dissociation or flight from trauma. Things were happening, I was a walking talking person but my soul, my sense of self, were somewhere else. Without even knowing it, I glassed myself off from what was happening and didn’t feel genuine pain or sadness. I did, but really I didn’t, I really wasn’t there for it. I couldn’t today tell you what my body experienced as I just remember the raw emotional expressions but again I didn’t actually feel them. I know if you were there, you remember them too.

I spend several paragraphs talking about how much I’m hiding from everyone and how afraid I am I’ll be found out ( yup! That happened). What’s odd is I’m not sad that I’m clearly isolating myself. I see that so clearly now. My fear of rejection and abandonment created a situation where I was extremely isolated and feeling- rejected and abandoned. I read all the things I thought were good ideas in order to keep up appearances but also know all that was a total failure pretty much the entire time. I had many epic public breakdowns. There was no charade at all. I didn’t pull the wool over anyone’s eyes . Absolutely zero people thought I had my shit together. So why? Why did I hide so much that could’ve helped me get through this?!? Why did I lie to my friends and family? Why did I not ask for help, and in lots of cases, refuse help only to drop my ignored broken life shit on someone else to manage? Because I was lying to myself too.

I’ve always believed there’s a “most people” and excluded myself from this category. Not because I think I’m some extraordinary soul, just the opposite. I often think “most people” have this shit figured out and wouldn’t act this way. Well, maybe but probably not. How someone reacts to any given set of circumstances is related to how many and how bad the circumstances they’ve managed have been. What if nothing else bad had happened in my life and I had just gotten cancer in my early thirties? Hard to say how I would have managed if that had been my only big bad thing ever. Maybe I still wouldn’t have coped because I had no learned coping skills. It wasn’t my first rodeo with a big bad thing though and the coping skills I had “learned” were super effective for short term, violent trauma, but completely ineffective for long term can’t check out from life trauma. No one tells you that, by the way, no one tells you that your coping skills suck. When we hear about trauma we are so focused on outcome we rarely talk about the way there.

Page 3 of my essay is pretty bad. I’ll likely edit it out of memoir existence but a few things are clear. In January 2010 I wrote, I can’t do this anymore. Until I read this I recalled my last suicidal expression as being in 2003. This makes me doubt my narration that I only expressed suicidal depression during isolated timeframes. I want to say it’s because I didn’t want to remember I was there in 2010. The other thing very clear on page 3 is desperation. Knowing that I spent another two years in that state isn’t comforting. I wrote, “I feel desperate for love. Desperate for understanding. Desperate for stability.” Just the other day,I said that again, I just want to be and feel normal. But normal is subjective to your perspective and what I’m living could be a good and acceptable life for a good number of people. I haven’t yet learned flipping that mindset. That sense that, god damn it, this isn’t normal. If anything, social media has only made that comparison syndrome worse. The glossy beings we all present on FB and Instagram all have little bearing to our inner selves. I can never win in a comparison to a manufactured brand of someone else. That doesn’t mean I think you’re fake. It means I know I sanitize my life for public consumption so I’m fairly certain others do too. This comparison takes you out of what you’re living and into what you could or should be, so it’s also an escape, a flight from what is happening.

By page four, I’m planning, I’m planning on burning every bridge, breaking every perceived enemy, and leaving my life in ruins. I’m fantasizing about how everyone will regret how they treated me. I remember this feeling. It’s probably the only one I connect with from that time-rage. I was grieving so many things in that space but not working through it. I clearly am mad because I wrote, “fuck this life. I’m sick of all of it.” At this date, I knew I needed a plan to try to get out of everything. It felt like an emergency. I spent the next two years making every bad decision I possibly could. It’s like when there’s a fire but there’s nothing but lighter fluid, so you desperately use lighter fluid. There’s lots of things I know are in another essay for another time about 2010-2012. We have time to talk about self-hatred taking the form of destructive behavior. It’s clear my self hate was already at play here,

And this is the part I wanted to share, I forgot about this until it came up in therapy the other day. Late 2009 I had an abortion. I didn’t forget that I had it, but I told myself, and likely you a different story. A story that felt safe and relatable but I so convinced myself of that story that I knew I was lying when I talked about it to my counselor. The story is there though written on page 5 and it’s most likely the truest one. When I got pregnant, I wasn’t thinking about my diagnosis. If I told you at all that I was pregnant and lost it, I likely said it just like that. I was pregnant and miscarried. However, none of that was the truth. The truth is, I knew my marriage was over. I knew I hated my husband and our fake shared life. I knew I didn’t want to deal with him for the next 18 plus years of my life. I was also plagued by the knowledge I was too fucked up to be a good mom to anyone, likely ever. I was 100% convinced I should never have kids. In a fit of rage, I scheduled to get the pill and then purposefully planned it when my husband was out of town, I went through that by myself as some sort of sick means of punishment for all the bad things I felt I was. So here I am writing this 2010 essay and I write, “I’m a horrible human being that has no soul”. It’s important that you know, reader, I didn’t tell my husband. There’s a part of me that believes I saved that information to tell him at the moment it would most hurt (yes, I did that). That kind of rage, I don’t wish on anyone, ever.

So let’s talk about rage and trauma before I wrap this up and you all walk away disappointed at the resilient image you may have had of me until today. I don’t know if rage is fight or flight. Rage feels like an escape to me, but I was also fighting for my life. Everything felt so out of control and “happening to me”. I felt desperate to escape that and BE IN CONTROL. The lies we tell ourselves are to survive. We tell ourselves this isn’t so bad, it justified, or it will pass. What if I hadn’t lied? I will live with that regret for a long time, along with questioning my basic human decency. I am choosing to not excuse my behavior beyond saying, if you’ve ever felt that scared, desperate and full of rage you may see the desire to lash out or the desire to run away as explainable.

This last little bit may redeem me, so hold tight. You may wonder why talk about all this now. Because then is now. Not on that level of crazy messed up shit, but that girl/woman is still inside me. We are all living through a trauma, a shared one. Many of us read that sentence and think, that’s so melodramatic. It’s really not. If any of the following things happened to you in 2020 raise your hand:

Job loss/furlough/early retirement

Relationship status change

Relocation

Financial hit from work/ revenue loss

Loss of social circle

Loss of a friend/family/significant other

Severe illness/surgery/ injury/medical issues

Isolation

Not being able to go to restaurants/gyms/ or other spaces that give you joy

Anxiety over job/finances

Fear of a pandemic

Difficulty in relationships due to politics, religion or pandemic

Anxiety about the future

Cancelled/rescheduled/reimagined vacations, celebrations, holidays, life events

We really are in this together. We’ve all experienced some level of change and trauma this year. What if we chose compassion? What if I told you we can learn from our trauma? That resilience isn’t just about where I am now and everything I’ve accomplished. What if the trauma story arch finished with me, saying to you, it may take a long time to get better? What if I shared my stories with more people and told them that there’s a more successful way then just getting through and overachieving to compensate for trauma? Do you have to have some major come back to be the hero of your own story? Trauma healing is a journey. Some things take longer than others, some things you cope and have to deal with the outcome later, but it’s not punishment. It didn’t take me 10 years to rebuild my life because I deserve punishment. It took me ten years to rebuild my life because I had and still have other traumas that have come along and forced me to confront my coping mechanism. There’s no hiding and running away from me, I’m always there, getting in my own way. It’s not enough to live, I want to thrive. Thriving is about accepting and forgiving all those younger selves who did the best they could with the tool set I allowed them to have. If you give a young child a new tool, do they know how to use it or do they poke at it and bang it on things trying to figure out it’s purpose? You parents know the answer. Children are innately curious but depending on age, also short of patience. They will move on to something else if they see no use to a tool. What’s required is instruction. We learn to cope by watching those around us and I’m gonna be frank and say American culture sucks at coping. Again, it’s not about the outcome! The journey. The journey. Everyday I get up and I continue the journey. I get pissed off, saddened by setbacks, I fall into old familiar brain paths, I vent, I introspect,I forgive myself and keep trying. Stick with me, we’ll get stronger.

[rureikia]

Chapter 2

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Sumiko and I left the office as soon as our shift had ended.

I kept blabbering and asking questions about this group meeting event and why she chose to let this be the final resort of her dating life as a joke. I don’t think she wasn’t really happy with my joke – but in all seriousness, I was never really expecting her to be the type of woman that goes for this sort of clique, that’s why I was quite surprised earlier.

She got irritated at me, then aimlessly answered my queries, explaining how it was something to experience at least once and drop it if it’s not her thing.

And after what she told me, I started to think about the whole thing from a different perspective too…

I also have never done this before either, so what’s my real reason to not like it? I can’t not like something if I haven’t experienced it, right?… I can’t be too quick to hate on things that I have no prior knowledge over – that should be the basic logic. Subsequently I thought that maybe, I was being a bit too judgemental over this stuff and should just ease down a bit.

Thus I decided that if I gave this a chance, something good might happen as an outcome without me expecting – and that was the type of encouragement I gave to excite myself!

So via public transport, we were dropped off at the bus stop and walked to the chosen restaurant.

Once we arrived, I eyed the place up and down to process whatever was in front of me. Then words trailed out when reading the banner hanging outside, “Ohh… Uh – Onigiri Miya…?”

Never heard of it. But was actually quite close to my apartment by a couple of minutes.

“Huh… What’s with that face? Ever been here or are you just nervous?” Sumiko asks.

“Don’t tease me,” I scoffed at her and shook my head, “And neither. It’s my first time here.”

Nowadays when I do go out for dinner, it’s with my office’s branch in that same BBQ place we’d always choose — those colleague worker dinners after a hard week or meeting. Other than that, I’d usually cook at home or order food when possible. So coming here, despite the strange gut feeling, it felt like I was stepping out my comfort zone and doing something new.

“They should be inside already,” Sumiko said leading me in, “Though this restaurant is obviously known for their onigiris, they make amazing udon and miso too apparently.”

I peeked my head in interest, “Oh really? That seems nice…"

From the outside it was semi-traditional and inside, the interior set up was a zashiki restaurant, which explained that traditionalism. So giving the place one last a good look, I took my coat and bag off, holding it between my arms.

Sumiko did the same thing and tapped on my shoulder, "Hey, I see them. They’re over there, look.”

“Where? Oh haha, are any of the guys good looking?” I asked, standing on my tiptoes to see a better view of the tables.

She laughs pensively, “I don’t know (Y/N), depends what you like. Okay let’s go, come on.”

There weren’t tons of people in the restaurant tonight with only three full tables that were occupied with customers.

By the time we both stepped in, six other people I’ve never seen before waved and called out Sumiko’s family name as they supposedly only recognized her. And judging from what it seemed, the event was going to consist of four males and four females (that’s including me and her).

I had to do another double-take in order to analyze more of what I could consider about the people.

So far, the other six were adults all definitely around our age, appearing to bring a friendly aura and welcoming us with warm mannerism despite me not being closely familiar with anyone. In conclusion, it was satisfactory. Sumiko didn’t get invited by people I should be weary of.

Now that I’m done judging them, I must judge myself.

They looked at me and suddenly I turned quite embarrassed, more irked than usual. Because I didn’t know them and my first impression can go down hill if I’m too careless. That’s why I had to do my best to keep my posture presentable whilst we approached. So I bowed politely alongside Sumiko before we took off our shoes at the entrance and sat on our sets.

Although I personally felt quite out of place here, she magically changed into this entrepreneur facade by opening up and smiling in a blink of an eye.

“Ah, Nanase-san we’re not late are we?” Sumiko checked with a high-pitched voice, I wanted to laugh.

The other woman, Nanase-san denies and waves her hand modestly at Sumiko, “No, no not at all, we all just arrived too so no one is late. But it’s nice to meet you two by the way! (L/N)-chan is that your name right?”

I nodded and smiled, “Yes, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Haha, I’ve heard quite a lot about you! (L/N)-chan you work in the H.J branch with Sumiko is that true?” She asks, trying to carry on an endearing conversation.

Oh gosh, she spoke in such flattery! The pretty woman says she heard a lot about me!

“Ahaha really? Seriously, don’t listen to whatever negative gossip Sumiko tells you.” I joke and she laughs in amusement.

“Oh, (Y/N), I would never.” Sumiko scoffs and rolls her eyes at me.

I carried on talking to Nanase-san a bit more mainly about work, then placed myself opposite a guy who was still wearing his work attire consisting of a tie, shirt and an undone blazer.

In comparison to the others, he looked a little anxious but providentially had enough confidence to bring his hand out for a handshake.

“Hello,” He greeted me with a nod, “U-Uh — my name is Yuzuru Ken, it’s nice to meet you.”

I shook his hand back, “Nice to meet you too —Yuzuru-san?”

Perhaps he thought I noticed his awkwardness and so loosened the grasp of my hand fairly fast.

“Just Yuzuru is fine thank you,” He kindly smiles, “Ah please, tell me your name too.”

I smile back too, “My name is (L/N) (Y/N), but just (L/N) is fine for me.”

From the side of him, I heard the other guy coo and point at us with his two fingers, “Ooh, look here… Seems like you guys are already on the first stage huh? Lucky, lucky, I think we have a potential match already!”

I didn’t think much of it too deeply, but I assumed Yuzuru found it uncomfy by the slightest. He laughed hollowly in response and looked down, as I was scratching my nose.

“Ah, I’m just greeting out of politeness really.” I cluelessly said without thinking.

But straight after that, I felt Sumiko chuckle passive-aggressively and nudge me on the thigh under the table as a way to say — don’t just say that you stupid idiot. And because of her nerve-tingling attack, I accidentally slipped out a strange gasping noise.

Everyone heard, so all their eyes were on momentarily on me.

Yuzuru in particular spoke with a concerned brow raised, “(L/N)? Are you okay?” He asks.

This guy I think he’s much nicer than that damned Sumiko for sure!

I nudged Sumiko with my own elbow back very discreetly and heard her click her tongue in annoyance. However, in order to make up an excuse for that embarrassing gasp I did just now, I shifted my sight to the menu laid down on the table.

“Wow I’m just……… Amazed at the variety of drinks here, ah don’t you think we should order drinks now? What’s usually the best drink here?” I questioned (while cringing).

Yuzuru, “O-Oh I see, usually I get beer.”

Plan worked! Everyone stopped staring!

“Okay! If you get beer then I’ll get beer too!"

Not too soon, after some self-introductions, the whole group gathered closer to the centre of the table where we started picking food.

At some point, I stared into Sumiko’s eyes when picking mine out, which was purposely a lot since she told me that she will pay everything for me — therefore whilst I did that, she attempted to keep the fake smile on her face as kind as possible.

I wanted her to spend a lot today, and I wanted to get spoiled, but she figured out a jarring plan way too fast.

”(Y/N) uwah! Oh you’re like a little pig, picking so much, you sure do eat a lot!!“ Sumiko says out loud to humiliate me and it successfully catches me off guard.

I jolt, and abruptly close the menu, "Oh… Uh I guess that’s all I’ll have then.”

I know that I am quite sensible, but sometimes I like to have fun like that too.

…….

Once everyone chosen, two of the people left to go to the countertable to order, leaving the rest of us to continue getting to know one another and chat.

Time past quickly under the group communication, I learnt that me and Sumiko were the youngest ones, us being 24 years of age and the others being up to three years older.

I also discovered that the members here work in a bank too, just different branches that are either close-by or in partnership to ours. And since one of the male members here knew Nanase-san from a linked branch, those two decided to invite people around for this event which included Sumiko and Sumiko choosing to potentially invite me. The two from earlier then came back with all the drinks, letting us know that the food will arrive in around 20 minutes.

Subsequently, we ended up chatting some more. But when looking from an outsider’s perspective, I don’t think I was as talkative as the others, to my surprise, neither was Yuzuru. In fact, the only person he did talk to was primarily me, even though I also lacked in sentences.

He was a good guy. I could tell just from the way he acts and his soft-spoken voice, which was honestly so much more relieving to see.

We had this conversation where he briefly explained his past dating situations but told me still lacks experience. Just like my scenario, the only reason why he came here is because he was invited via bribing.

I thought I could relate to him a bit in some aspects mainly about work, but then there was the subject of dating that was touched upon. It was because of that topic I sensed small lumps of uneasiness within my chest. Of course, it’s not because I thought he was a strange person (he wasn’t) but it was because there was a voice in the back of my head that constantly reminded me how I wasn’t here to find someone. I was here for food.

What caused me consider myself to be even more self-critical was how I solely, due to this interaction exchange between Yuzuru, made the decision to make this the first and last time I join a goukon.

Ah. Perhaps, not finding a new partner for three years impacted me as I now felt increasingly cold-hearted as an individual since I’m now being very negative.

I do want to be less pessimistic about it, but the feeling didn’t seem to stop — hence why I think this sort of stuff is not fitted for me. And as I said to myself earlier at the office, I conclusively standby my opinion how I prefer meeting people by chance and not by choice.

…Come to think of it, I might be being a tad too self-critical… Maybe I really have gone bland and Sumiko was correct.

To find a partner or just a friend I’d need to have conversations but I must’ve forgotten the excitement of what meeting new people is like. Because every time something like this happens, I nitpick an issue and after I’d complain about it mentally… I really have gone bland then!!!

I sucked in some air between my teeth in agony.

On the other hand… If I put all of that aside I can still think of one positive aspect. And it’s a big, relevant one that helps outweighs everything.

Everyone here had characteristics that made them fun to watch. I looked at them, sipping their drinks every so often as they entertained each other with jokes and bubbling discussions.

The more I looked and the more I drank, my mind became more concentrated in the the events happening on the table rather than my internal complaints of not wanting to find romance or thinking that I’m being too cold.

Turns out, I platonically like them a lot. Maybe, I wouldn’t even mind being better friends with them in the future either.

…….

Once the food arrived, we toasted for the probably third time tonight with our drinks and started digging in, carrying on with this constant chatter.

I was eating a lot of dishes until I came across a bizarre obstacle. This wasn’t me being full, I am very proud of my stomach, it was just that I looked up to see a man with the restaurant’s working cap. He was wearing a black T-shirt, jeans and an apron which all was very minimalistic. So naturally, even with that minimalistic attire, I thought he looked absolutely beautiful. Indeed there is evidence that God loves some people more than others…

He asked if the food was good and  my eyes lit up brightly when I spotted more drinks were on a tray in his hands. When I looked up to have my beer can handed, my face turned shy at his expression.

“Enjoy.” He smiled.

Me, a little speechless, thanked him graciously as he left.

“…”

“…”

“Oi… That dude… He could be a famous model don’t you think…?” Sumiko muttered to me, I nodded vigorously in agreement.

“Definitely… Maybe we should invite him to sit with us and so you can try and get him…” I muttered back.

“(Y/N) you absolute genius, but no way I’m going to do that.”

I laughed mildly at our quiet mishaps, my can of beer pressed against my bottom lip.

Just as I was about to take a sip, I heard that same handsome model who served us earlier speaking in the distance.

Since the restaurant wasn’t too busy today with now only around two other full tables left (one of them being us), I was able to hear his voice be significantly clearer than the remaining background noise.

“Oh you’re here? That took a while, when d'ya finish work?” The worker said aloud.

Curious, I averted my gaze to the man whilst taking a gulp of my drink.

…

“Oh my god.” I mumbled to myself in English then accidentally choked to death on the beverage. I was only able to stop my horrific coughing by patting my chest.

My heartbeat then drastically dropped to the bottom of my body at the speed of light.

I had to blink a couple more times really hard to check if I finally lost it and my breathing went utterly oxygen-starved throughout that… But to my misfortune, I can confirm that undoubtedly, it was him.

Kita Shinsuke, my ex-boyfriend.

He heard my irrelevant coughing fit. So suddenly without me preparing anything, our eyes met for probably the longest two seconds of my life while he was still in middle of talking to the other guy.

I silently gawked at him with the expression as if I saw my ancient ancestors walk back to life. But Kita on the other hand, showed literally no hints of surprise whatsoever.

Well. Of course he wouldn’t be surprised, this is Kita Shinsuke we’re talking about.

I am the one person who knows best that he’s a man with a heart of stone and nothing will shake him – not animals, not insects, not public speaking, not horror movies, not even my parents’ pressure. Then, there’s the other fact that he works in a farm where he could possibly threaten his life with the dangerous machinery like the humongous combine harvester.

So how can I, a mere ex-girlfriend, scare him?

I regretted looking over there. It took me a mental slap in the face, but I frantically turned away and pushed my thoughts far out my brain, pretending not to notice his presence.

It didn’t work. Even when I stopped staring, I yet felt his full attention on me like a piercing burn and I was much more agonized than necessary. Therefore I needed to find a way to escape, as melodramatic as it sounded.

“…”

“Oi, (Y/N) what is it?” Sumiko whispers in my ear, “Why are you so fidgety?”

I stood up instantaneously feeling like I was about to vomit. Then grabbing my phone I spoke to the group.

“Excuse me.” I said, slipping my shoes on, “I just remembered that I need to take an important call outside. I’ll be back.”

Sumiko furrowed her brows at me as the rest respectfully nodded.

In haste, I walked out fast through a different exit without seeming too suspicious. There was the most cringe-worthy gush in my body, when I felt myself leave the same building as Kita without taking a thought to look back, like I was some tragic heroine in a drama. Instead, I intently kept my eyes to the ground in high hopes that he’d simply ignore me too.

The truth was, I wasn’t going to call anyone and it was nothing more than a blatant lie. But I was terribly afraid, and wouldn’t have been able to sit still if I stayed there any longer. In the end, I chose to cowardly go outside and hide.

I dawdled around in the cold and looked left and right wishing someone I recognized would pop out then help take me home. I can go up to the group and say — sorry, quick change of plans, I need to leave for an urgent matter! Though for that to happen it would require the powers of a non-existent being.

There was another idea in the back of my brain to possibly call mom or dad — tell them that I miss them and want to come visit so my emotions can focus on my parents instead of someone else. But knowing what they’re like, it would be so random to them to the point they’d laugh, mock me and assume that I’m going crazy, so I gloomily chose not to contact anyone.

At this moment, there was too much nonsense in my mind from such a rurally short time frame. And I simply experienced bewilderment.

I felt that it was rather unusual, I haven’t seen or properly contacted Kita in three years or so. But when he walked in and stood there, he looked different. He cut his hair short, wore nicer clothes like the winter jacket I have never seen before. And in general, looked much more mature, a bit taller too.

Probably the most trivial thing about this was that I immediately, managed to spot him and notice all those features in the crowd when I could have had the chance to fixate on other stuff…

It was frustratingly confusing.

I leaned against the wall of the restaurant to think some more, the churning in my stomach refusing to soothe.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have fled like that…” I internalized, clutching my phone to the chest.

What I did, it truly felt like the only option at that minute, but now when recalling, it feels too rushed and anti-climactic. Yet  I ran away like it was purely out of instinct, so is my disdain for Kita that lethal for me to flee like a prey?

Earlier, I actually wanted to tell Sumiko about Kita when I tapped her leg under the table, though she swatted my hand away, too busy talking to the others. But what use would she do anyways? She can’t do anything except have the same panicking reaction as me knowing what she’s like as well!

Subsequently it felt like I was grasping onto straws here. Sumiko is a walking idiot, my parents thinks I’ll die an idiot and Kita looked at me when I choked like an idiot.

I once told myself that if I saw his face ever again I will hold my head up high and not react, but in contrast, I did react and he didn’t… So this must mean that he’s over me and is looking forward to other things in his life. I expect that to be the wide case, because even in high school I remember him being oblivious to that fact that he was quite popular with other girls — and I also, being one of those fangirls…

If he has moved on I guess… that’s good for him…

Actually, whatever! I don’t care! There should be no reason for me to be entangled in him anymore, the past is in the past. I shouldn’t ponder over a silly ex story no longer!

In a determined manner, I inhaled my breaths and marched back and forth for a minute, checking my phone to see whether anyone would call me miraculously right at this moment.

Okay, no one called me. So I have to go back inside when I think it’s been long enough for no one to be skeptical.

“(Y/N).”

Oh my god.

Anyone would know who the voice belonged to, so I shakily put my phone to my ear pretending I was in a phone call, “… H-Hello, sister are you there…? Yes – yes I am doing fine…”

“(L/N) (Y/N).”

“…”

It was only when he used my full name, I stopped playing — my head hesitantly turning to him as I lowered the device that wasn’t even switched on.

Kita was wearing his jacket, hands in pockets, head very slightly inclined to the side in order to earn a better look at me. The tips of his hair in the middle were drooping when I stared at him, and he smiled ever so gently at me.

I can’t really think of any words to express how that damned smile made me feel other than the aching in my heart… It was that very same friendly smile where the corner of his lips quirked, as if we just had dinner and watched movies together last night.

He takes a momentary pause, observing me with a now neutral face. The lighting from behind him also making him look really good.

“Long time no see.” He said.

I turned apprehensive but nodded, “Long time no see…”

He takes a step closer and I shuffle away a little in a subtle way, “Uh — Kita what brings you here?”

“I always come here.”

“Oh, is that so? I don’t see you here a lot.” I spoke without thinking for the second time tonight. I realized that what I said was untruthful of me, so I bit down my tongue.

“Odd.” He says dryly, “I am here often. I help around sometimes too.”

Yeah. And this is why you shouldn’t ever lie.

He takes more steps so he could lean against the exterior walls of the restaurant, right beside me.

When stealthily glancing at Kita, I saw him take his hands out his pockets so he could cross his arms to his chest instead.

Now, his proximity was fairly close — and by fairly close I mean that his shoulder is touching my shoulder. Due to that, whole body tensed up… I wanted to dig a hole and dive right into it, because I just knew, he did that on purpose.

……

“Which one are you with?” He speaks between our silence.

“Huh?”

Kita quietens again, then clarifies his previous question, “In that group. Which one are you dating?”

“Ah… None.” I reply with minimalism.

“Which are you going to date?”

The questions were hurting me, I don’t know why.

“None of them…” I trailed.

“Then why are you with them?” He logically asks another question.

I was in a frozen state of self-pity.

Maybe if I do another white-lie, saying that I was here because I’m popular with my co-worker’s he’d believe me, though that’s never the case and Kita would prefer to mock me with a cruel tone.

“I’m here because… This place sells very yummy food.” I said with great breaths of excretion.

Kita actually chuckled at my reply, “So you joined a goukon for the food?”

What! How did he even know it’s a goukon?!

I turned my head to face him properly, “What makes you think this is a goukon? No one told you that, unless you eavesdropped on us!”

“The men are sitting opposite to the women.” He quite frankly explains, “It’s very obvious.”

My brows pinched in embarrassment, and I felt a tiny blush, “N-No it can’t be that obvious, can it?”

“It is. And I’m surprised. You never liked this kind of stuff.”

Did you hear that? He’s surprised!

All of a sudden hearing him say that he was surprised made me experience this prang of egoism in my chest, and so I raised my chin up, “I’m doing it because I want to. And I do like it.”

He chuckles again, making my heart twist painfully and that recent ego shrivel too early, “Oh? Well if (Y/N) likes it, I expect her to enjoy herself tonight.” Wait, I’m confused again. Should I take it sarcastically or is he truly being modest? Should I be happy or sad or scared?

“Make sure to have fun.” He says.

My animalistic instincts told me that he’s doubting me in something, I just don’t know what… It was like a challenge, it made me feel challenged. I’ll accept that challenge.

Eventually, I cleared my throat to speak once more, “If that’s all you have to say then excuse me, I’m going to go back to join them. Goodbye.”

He nods with a smile as I walked past him for the second time, in this version I was doing it with more arrogance.

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[weiamilikethis]

Last Christmas

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 3,557 (it’s not as long of a read as the word count makes it out to be and this may be one of my favorite scenarios, aside from Sunny Days and The Boy Made of Ice)

A/N: I took this from Hwanhee and Sunyoul’s cover of Last Christmas (which by the way has made me so damn happy and soft, like someone explain that to me)

 - Admin Ania

Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day, you gave it away This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special

I have ten wonderful friends and every year I go over to their place to spend the holidays with them. Christmas happens to be our favorite holiday so we go all out for each other. There’s singing, dancing, games, decorating the tree, and present exchanges. My favorite part of the night is getting to perform in front of each other. We each pick a song that sums up how we've been feeling this year and what was want for the next year. 

For the last ten years we’ve been doing this and every years it somehow gets better than the one before. However, there was a year that I didn’t spend Christmas with them and that I will never forget. Even though I remember what happened as if it was yesterday, they made the pain duller and my life with them has changed for the better. Especially with Jinhoo, he is a big reason why I’m as happy as I am now and have the confidence I do. 

It all started two years ago during the first week of March when I met him. His name was Han and at the time I met him, he was my world. The way we met might seem strange, I assure you it was now that I think about it, but at the time we didn’t know the difference. It was during a performance I had with my dance team, we were prepping to go on stage for one last dance before the judges would determine which team would go further. 

Han saw me leading my team through the motions of our routine and I guess the intense focus I had made him curious about who the hell I was. Once we ran through the steps, with no mistakes mind you, I nodded my head at my team (who are my friends) and told them to get water and rest up. That was when he approached me, walking up behind me calmly then cleared his throat to make his presence known to me. Turning my head slightly I decided that I should talk to him, for what reason I still don’t know, the suddenly realized how tall he was compared to me.

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your team. They’re very well prepared for their turn.”

That threw me off really, I could get the sense that he thought I was their choreographer and had decided to try and get some info out of me. A small chuckled escaped my lips, bringing a bottle of water to them to take a drink before turning back to the boy in front of me. I could see in his eyes that he was slightly confused as to why I thought his comment was funny.

“I’m not the choreographer, if that’s what you’re inferring but it’s a very flattering comment. I’m the team captain, it’s my job to make sure we have impeccable chemistry with each other and trust our bodies in the hands of others.”

Han smiled down at me before holding out his hand and then I knew; he’s the captain of our rival team. I now it seems rude and petty, which it really is, but I didn’t want to shake his hand at the time. Being a person from the opposite time and one of our biggest challengers, I didn’t want to actually talk to him in the first place. I had no idea but I found myself in that situation so I had to go with it.

“I’m Han, leader of TK. If you’re the team captain then you must be Y/N, am I right?”

“You’re not wrong. Now, please leave. My team and I need to discuss somethings.”

And that’s how we first met each other, formally at least since we both knew of the other but never got a face to put to the names. During the first couple of times I saw him I had to admit he was a rather good looking guy. On stage he was so focused and showed his talent well. Off stage he was a ball of energy and joy, always wanting to make someone’s day better. If any of his teammates was having a bad day he would pull them aside to talk it out with them, if they wanted. 

For a few weeks he would come by our studio to talk to me, saying he wanted to get to know me and things like that. I agreed to talk and get to know him as a person rather than someone who's competition. However, it was also during this time that my friends used to come by constantly to watched us practice and cheer us on. They’re the more experienced ones so I’ll often go to them for advise on how to be a better leader or how I should transition from one move to another. 

Out of all ten of them, my very best friend in the group is Jinhoo. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend, or what felt like a brother to me. When Han entered the picture he and the others started to wonder what was going on with me. My attitude started to change around them and I wouldn’t talk to them when they came to see my practices with my team. While none of them blamed me for my change, looking back on it now I kind of wish they had because maybe then I would have noticed sooner. 

Han and I started to date after a month, and then we began a couple. Our teams weren’t very happy about the situation but they didn’t bring it up because we’re the best leaders in the country. The companies we were hired under didn’t want to fire us for being together either for the very same reason. Rehiring would take too much time that we didn’t have so they let us be, as long as we didn’t show it during competitions. 

Around Thanksgiving Han started to change whenever I was with him. He wouldn’t be as talkative as he used to be and he would often look at his phone texting, who I thought at the time was his friends. During this time I tried not to think about it too much since I still had to bring my team to regionals, and hopefully beyond that year. For a few weeks I didn’t see him because we were both busy trying to prep our teams. I was fine with not seeing him, since I had Jinhoo and the others by my side to help us out. 

December 24th, yes Christmas Eve, was the day of nationals and my team and I couldn’t have been more excited to show what we prepared. Kuhn, Kogyeol, Bitto, and Jinhoo came backstage with me to run through the dance one more time with the team while the others took their seats. While we practiced Han watched from the sidelines like he normally did and when we finished I went to hug him since it had been almost a month from the last time I saw him in person. Even though he smiled down at me, it was empty and I couldn’t tell why. 

“You did great as usual. I’m so proud of you. No matter the outcome I can’t wait to have to stay over tonight for Christmas.”

He gave me another hug, kissed my forehead, then went back to make sure that his team was still running through the routine. If I had been paying attention at the time, I would have seen Kuhn, Kogyeol, Bitto, and Jinhoo grimace at his comment about my dancing. If I had been paying attention I would have noticed that they were talking about how Han really wasn’t someone I should be with. If I had been paying attention I wouldn’t noticed the pain in Jinhoo’s eyes when Han kissed my forehead. 

I went back to them and thanked them for helping us out with the dance and told them to go get their seats before the contest began. Each of them gave me a hug for good luck or ruffled my hair, only Jinhoo smiled and walked away. This was even stranger for me because he never just smiled and walked away from me before. I had to shake it off though, my group would be going on in about five minutes. The second we set foot on that stage the crowd practically got out of their seats and ran to the stage. We greeted them and the judges before getting into our formation, then the lights went out. 

The end result of the contest was that my team won first place and we got to move on to the next level. As soon as we were free I ran to find Han, I knew he really wanted to bring his team to nationals. When I found him he was surrounded by his friends as they all looked down at what appeared to be his phone. I didn’t really get why they were making such a commotion about whatever was on his phone, so I ran up to him. His friends cleared a path for me as I landed in his lap with my arms circled around his neck. It took him a moment to realize that it was me but once he figured it out he hugged me back. 

“I saw you out there and you did wonderfully as per usual. Though I’m a bit sad I won’t be moving onto the finals with you.” We talked for awhile before walking back to where my team had put our things so he and I could head back to his place for Christmas. I told him to wait outside for me, I’d be out in a few minutes, so he stayed in the hallway. My bag had somehow gotten moved in the commotion of my team and I trying to get on stage while the managers were trying to collect their people together. Eventually I found it behind the couch and checked one more time to make sure I had everything with me that I needed. When I came out of the room I saw Han with my friends, who all seemed to be putting him under fire for something or other. Casually I walked over to give him a kiss on the cheek, then turned to my friends to address them. 

“Y/N, you really can't come over for Christmas like usual?”

“Not this year Hwanhee, but there will be other years that I come over.”

He pouted at me ever so cutely while the rest of the guys stood there looking rather downcast. I shook my head at their silliness then went around to hug each other them before leaving with Han. I came to Jinhoo last, and somehow his face seemed the most upset out of all of them. When he hugged me, there was a different feeling to it, he acted as if I was leaving them forever. 

“Please don’t go.”

“I have to...” We whispered to each other as I pulled away then headed off with Han. If I had turned back I would have seen the boys stare at me with worried faces, especially that of Jinhoo. His face was the saddest of all of them, but I wasn’t smart enough to know why at the time. The second Han and I were out of sight he began to tear up, so the others had to quickly shepherd him out of the building and back home. A few of them supported Jinhoo on the way to the car seeing as his body was having a rather bad reaction to me leaving. Once he was in Xiao glanced up at the older, placing a hand gently on the others. 

“It’s okay hyung, it’ll be okay...”

“I hope to God you’re right Xiao...”

The drive to Hans place was quiet as we were both extremely tired from performing just a few minutes ago. I settled into the comfort of his car to take a nap since he lived two hours away from the venue. From the corner of my eyes, just as I dozed off, I could see him smile but it wasn’t for me. Though I couldn’t think about it as I drifted off to sleep, which wasn’t that peaceful in the end. I didn’t really sleep through the car ride because Han kept talking, to who I didn’t know but I wanted him to shut up so I could sleep. 

Even when we got to his house, things didn’t change between us as we headed in together. I went upstairs to put my things in his room while he went to set up the living room for movies and snacks. Han’s room isn’t extremely big, nor is the house itself, but it’s comfortable to live in. I quickly changed into more comfortable clothing then headed back downstairs. About half way down I heard his voice coming from the kitchen, I figured that he was talking to one of his friends. However, I was incredibly wrong, as I got closer I heard a sort of sweetness to his tone of voice that he definitely doesn’t use with his friends. 

“Yeah, no I promise that we will have tomorrow evening together. I can’t just kick her out, we agreed to spend Christmas together three weeks ago.”

“I know I promised to spend time with you but I haven’t told her yet.”

“Tiffany I will not do this to her on Christmas Eve.”

There was my answer: plain as daylight, Han was cheating on me with the Tiffany. She’s on my team and was initially supposed to be the captain but didn’t make the final cut and I took her place. I guess she was angry that I took that position from her, even though we’re friends (or so I thought), so she wanted to take Han. Tiffany isn’t the jealous type so it surprised me to realize that they were going behind my back. Though I didn’t want to hear anymore because I heard everything I needed to. I quietly made my way back upstairs and shut the door to his room. I threw on my favorite hoodie, which happened to be Jinhoo’s grey one but he said I could keep it, grabbed my bag then headed for the window.

Han’s house may be two stories but he has an escape ladder running down the side of it. I opened the window then crawled out into the cold night. Once I was a few blocks away, I pulled out my phone to call the one person I knew who would help me no matter what: Jinhoo. When he picked up the phone I started to explain, but then I snapped and started crying so hard I could hardly breath. He tried to calm me down, but that clearly wasn’t working out too well, so he told me to stay where I was. 

“Kuhn and Kogyeol are on their way right now. Wait by the bus stop and you’ll see them in a few minutes. Y/N... Please come back to me safely...”

Then he hung up and I was left in silence. A strong gust of cold air smacked me in the face as I walked to the bus stop, where upon arrival I saw no one which was a good thing. The bench felt like ice even through my sweat pants I could tell that it was only going to get worse. My cheeks were tear stained, I could tell easily and it was only made more clear when Kogyeol and Kuhn pulled up in a black car. Concern was written all over their faces as Kogyeol got me into the car and Kuhn threw my bag in the trunk. We were off in two minutes flat and from the rearview mirror, I could’ve sworn I saw Han watching us in slight horror. Though I couldn’t have cared what he thought then because he hurt me and what was worse is that he was my first boyfriend. 

We got back to the dorm quickly, during which time I had fallen asleep so Kuhn had to carry me inside while Kogyeol grabbed my bag from the car. I don’t know what time I woke up at, but when I finally did I saw the guys all asleep on the furniture and floor. Then it occurred to me: my head isn’t on a cushion, so what am I lying on? I glanced up and noticed that it was Jinhoo, he too was fast asleep and breathing calmly. Seeing him like this was strange for me; he looked so sweet and angelic. My hand reached out to touch his cheek, which resulted in him waking up almost immediately. Once his eyes landed on me I could see the full extent of his sadness but also sorrow for me. 

“So you found out...”

“Y-yeah... I did.”

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you, but we had to let you find out on your own...”

“It’s alright.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist and took a deep breath in, in an attempt to calm myself down from everything that had just happened. Jinhoo shifted in his place slightly so that my head would be on his chest instead of on his lap. He brought me close to him and that’s how we stayed for a good twenty minutes. After that he made a confession that I wasn’t really prepared for. 

“I know you just got your heart broken, but so have I. Some times it really hurts to be around you because I know that you don’t feel the same way about me. After today though... I can’t keep it in anymore. Y/N, I love you. I love you so so much but I never said anything because you wanted him. Being selfish wasn’t an option for me because I knew you wouldn’t be happy. Seeing you upset, is the worst thing in the world.”

“Jinhoo?”

“This is my confession to you: I love you so much that it kills me everyday on the inside. It hurts to not be free to express how I feel. Two years ago, when you and I went out into the snow, I knew then that I loved you. If you will have me then that would make my Christmas infinitely better. If you accept me then I will never hurt you the way he did. If you accept me...it must be because you feel an affection towards me that’s more than just friendship.”

Back then, I didn’t immediately know what to say to him since the news was so sudden. Yet something in me knew that he would in fact love me, for every fiber of my being and every spark of passion. Today, it’ll be a year since I broke up with Han and dated Jinhoo. Today, it’s once again Christmas Eve but this year I’m spending it with my boyfriend and my best friends. While I don’t fully know what the future holds for me with them, I know that it’s better than what Han had to offer me. 

“Y/N, come on. We’re about to open a few gifts!”

Wei calls out to me from down the hall since he’s almost always too lazy to get up and tell me. As I head out of the bedroom I share with Jinhoo, I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I take it out and there, in black and white, is Han’s name on the screen. I decide to open his message to me, I’ve long since gotten over him so I have no care about what he has to say. 

‘Y/N, it’s been a year now but I want you to know that I’m still so sorry about what I did to you... You didn’t deserve that... I know it’s a long shot, but would you take me back?’

I message him back quickly and stuff my phone deep down in my pocket as I walk into the living room. I’m greeted by everyone with hugs and smiles all around. My favorite greeting is always from Jinhoo; he kisses my forehead, then my cheeks, and finally my lips. His kisses are soft like kashmir and gentle like as a summer breeze. He is my favorite person on this earth, because he is my world and I am his.

My message to Han read as follows:

I can’t take you back, nor will I accept any kind of apology from you. It’s clear that you and I are not a match and you took my trust along with part of my team. Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. This year I saved myself from tears, because I found someone special. You should find someone too.

“Y/N, look up.”

I’m drawn back to reality by the sweet sound of Jinhoo’s voice. He’s pointing to the mistletoe above us and I blush profusely. 

“Can I kiss you?”

“Do you really need to ask?”

#up10tion scenario #up10tion fluff #up10tion christmas scenario #up10tion jinhoo #kim jinwook #jinhoo scenario

[klaumiel]

You are all I’ve got ,Damien.//Chapter 4: The last poem.

I opened the door before Shaun even stopped the car and jumped out. I didn’t want to waste any second, I ran to the house, and straight to the kitchen where I had my charger.

‘ Turn on, you piece of shit!’ I shouted nervously trying to turn on my phone. Shaun stood next to me, rubbing my shoulder.

As soon as my phone was on, I opened Lovelik, and immediately my heart dropped and my eyes filled with tears.

‘’ you’ve been quiet for a while…

Can you just send an emoji or something

Anything to let me know you are okay

Please

…

Ok, I’m freaking out!!

You’ve been gone for too long, so I have to assume the worse

Bennie got you, and it’s all my fault

Please tell me I’m wrong

Please tell me I’m not responsible for more blood on my hands

I know you are there! Come on!

If we never talk again… I couldn’t live with myself

All I want is to know for sure, but I’m almost out of time

Tomorrow’s the day of my execution

Fuck…

It's so weird to see it written out like that

Like I know what the words mean, but it doesn’t feel real

…

They asked what I wanted for my last meal this morning

They usually offer a steak, but I asked for some candy instead

If I can’t have you with me …

At least I’ll have something sweet

…

Damn! I thought that might work

You always call me out for being cheesy

Please give me a sign …something

ANYTHING !

Well, I got something for you – one last poem

Here it goes…

At the start nothing left to lose-

Nothing to stop me from trying

At the end, with hands shaking –

I was immersed in a love undying

Now our souls will finally rest in memories

Lost without a trace

And forever will I be free to bask

In the light of your grace

That’s all I’ve got

Goodbye

I answered his message as fast as I could, with tears in my eyes and shaking hands. This can’t be goodbye, not like this!

‘This can’t be happening, Shaun!’ I cried ‘He is being executed today, we have to do something! I can’t let him die!... Maybe I should call the police station make sure that they informed the prison about the DNA … Shit, he isn’t answering! ‘ I hold my phone with hands shaking.

‘I will make a call now’ Shaun said, wiping my tears with his hands ‘They can’t go ahead with execution if there is new evidence.’

‘Please answer me …please be there. Damien god Damit!’ I cried

Suddenly an emoji popped next to my message. He is alive! Of course, he is, he can’t just leave me like that, my heart pounded in my chest, and I saw a message popping up

‘’WAIT- YOU’RE ALIVE!?’’

I smiled through tears. Duh!

I told him that I submitted Bennie’s DNA and they are testing it as we speak.

But the happiness didn’t last long, the guard came to get him. This can’t be the end!

‘Shaun, what did they tell you !?’ I asked getting more and more anxious

‘They informed his lawyer, he is on his way there. Damien will be fine Maya, take a deep breath and calm down. He will be okay ‘ Shaun said, approaching me and grabbed my hand, I squeezed my phone so hard I left a mark on my hand, and my fingers got numb.

‘But the guard just came to take him, he told me … Are you sure? ‘ I felt lighter, calmer but still not sure, what to think about this

‘Maya, they confirmed that prison is aware. The guard must’ve come for some other reason… hang on… he had his phone in the cell? I thought he kept it the library. ‘

‘He took it with him because he was worried, I wasn’t answering he thought I was dead.’

Shaun smiled gently ‘ You should rest, go to sleep for a little while, don’t worry, he will be fine.’

Shaun went back home. I took a quick shower, and laid on the sofa, put my phone on the loudest setting possible and quickly fell asleep.

A few hours later, loud sound woke me up. I sat up quickly looked outside; it was dark. Must’ve slept all day.

‘’How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways,

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.‘’

Is he saying what I think he is saying?

‘’I fucking love you.’’

I felt butterflies feeling my stomach, I smiled from ear to ear ‘I love you too!’ I answered.

I’ve been waiting for this moment for days. Only the thought of losing him proved me how much I loved him, how important to me he was. My worries he won’t feel the same vanished. Happiness filled me instantly, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. But there were happy tears.

He was fine, alive and most likely will be realised soon. We will finally be able to be together. I felt like I didn’t want to be without him ever again.

Bennie’s DNA was a match, and the judge accepted it as evidence in his case. His execution has been postponed, and he had court scheduled for the next morning.  We talked for a little while longer. This time our conversation felt lighter, we finally said it. I couldn’t wait to be able to tell him in person.

Straight after I called Shaun and shared the good news. I also decided to call Gemma, she was my friend for the last ten years after all.

She listened, but she was cold and very distanced.

‘Gemma, what is going on? Did I do something wrong ?’ I decided to ask her

‘ No, everything is fine’ I knew it was a lie

‘Listen, I think we need to talk. Do you want to go for coffee before work tomorrow? I really need to know what’s going on.’

‘Sure, I will pop to your place at seven, ok? I need to go now. I am happy for you. See you tomorrow.’  She hang up before I managed to answer.

I was anxious but happy at the same time. Damien and I took our relationship to the next level, we managed to save his life, depending on the outcome of tomorrow’s court he could be a free man soon. The feeling of being able to finally see him was amazing.

The whole situation with Gemma was strange, but if she wanted to blow our friendship because of some stupid reason, I wouldn’t stop her. I had all I wanted at this moment, Damien alive and safe, I knew I will probably have to wait for him, but I was ready for this.

I lied in bed reading his messages, his beautiful poems.  He is such a melt, but I love him so much.  Always playing the rough and scary guy but deep inside such a softy. He has never been in love, so he didn’t know how to act what to do, what to say, how to express his emotions but he did it the best way he could through his poems. I loved his soft side, only made him hotter.

The only thing that was missing that night was him next to me, his strong arms around me, but I knew deep inside that one day this will happen, and only the thought of what's going to happen once we finally get to be alone made me feel hot and dizzy. I wanted him so bad … If this wasn’t love, fuck knows what it was, but I didn’t care I just wanted to feel it.

Next morning, I woke up with a smile, it was a good feeling. From now, it will only get better.

Well, not entirely true.

I got ready to work, I was in the mood for some fancy clothes, I’ve put on my favourite black skater skirt, and cream ruffle trim shirt.

I was finishing straightening my hair when my doorbell rang.

‘Get in! The door is open’ I shouted from the corridor

‘You shouldn’t leave your door unlocked’ Gemma came in, dropped her laptop bag on the sofa and went to the kitchen to take some coffee.

I came downstairs, we started with the usual chat about work, but the innocent conversation quickly changed direction to something I didn’t expect.

‘So Gemma, I  can’t be postponing this any longer. We are friends for ten years, I can see that something is wrong. You are very distant ever since things with Damien been getting serious. You seem to be cold, and I can feel you want to tell me something. Now is the time’ I sat up straighter ‘Why did you say that Damien and I have no future, why are you so against him? You don’t even know him… Or something is happening that you don’t want to tell me about.’

She looked at the mug, clearly getting annoyed.

‘Maya, I have to say it … nobody else will. You look so happy I didn’t want to disturb this, but someone has to tell you. You should've stopped this at the begging when you found out he is on a death row. What are you doing with your life? This supposed to be just for fun, you took this whole dating online a bit too seriously. Frist Albert, days talking about how bad you feel about telling him to fuck off because you are not ready, instead of having fun one night like you did and let him go, forget it. Then Damien… If I knew that you will get so attached to him I would never tell you swipe… this is insane Maya! You can’t be in love with the guy you never met! A criminal! Luke wasn’t enough for you? Abuse, drugs, gangs, didn’t this teach you a lesson to stay away from guys like this?’  Her voice slowly started to rise

‘Damien is not like Luke, he is not a criminal.’ I was lost of words, I had no idea she saw it that way.

‘ He is in prison, so he is a criminal. How do you even know he is real? You never met him, never heard him speak. He could be someone else…You got so naïve recently. ‘

‘What are you talking about, he is real. Gemma… this is crazy. Where is this all coming from ?! ’

‘What is crazy? Being realistic? Let’s assume he is real, and he gets out of prison, what then? Do you really believe this will be a happy ever after? You will be a cute couple, doing cute coupley things? Open your eyes, Maya! He’s been locked for seven years, he has no idea what’s outside, who will give him a job?  Are you ready to be his babysitter? What do you know about his past? Nothing, only a few bits that aren’t pretty. What if he goes back to old habits, gangs, criminal world. Are you ready to follow him? Since when you got so soft and fucking naïve and weak? Life is not a pretty fairytale.’

I just stood there with my mouth open lost for words.

‘ I just wanted you to know that I won’t be sticking around if you choose him. I have a career I can’t allow myself being linked to a murderer.’

This was the point where she crossed the line, I couldn’t sit there and listen to the bullshit that was coming out of her mouth.

‘ He is not a murderer Gemma! He is innocent! Why you hate him so much!? We proved his innocence last night! How can you say all that? You suppose to be my friend. Didn’t you say you want me to be happy? So guess what … Finally, I can see a possibility to be happy, after everything, after moths taking medications to be able to function every day. After sleepless miserable nights, I can finally live normally Gemma. And if you don’t like it .. well .. it is your call.’ I really hoped she will understand.

‘ You see, that’s the problem with you. Is always you. I’m sick of it Maya, I’m sick of being the second, always ‘’the friend’’, your shadow. You are always the centre of attention. Wherever you walk, everyone sees you, everyone adores you, and I  am always behind. I’m sick of cleaning your mess all the time, making sure that you are OK… I told you to don’t get involved with Luke, but you didn’t listen to me, he nearly killed you, and you still felt sorry for him. He was a fucking junky, stealing your stuff and selling it for drugs, and you still felt sorry for him. And I was there listening to your bullshit every day telling you to leave him. But you didn’t listen to me. The fantastic Maya with her golden heart trying to help a junky, and when shit went down, everyone felt sorry for you. Poor Maya went through hell, but you put yourself in this shit. And you are doing it again…I’m tired Maya.. tired of being a second-best, you always get the best, and I am left with scraps. Every guy I ever laid my eyes on was interested in you … not me … you. Even Greg… still hoping you might change your mind. And now, you choosing a criminal again… I can’t … I can’t be here for you anymore.’ She was angry, her tone was cold, this wasn’t my friend; this was someone else.

‘ Are you serious right now ?! How can you say that? I’ve been there for you every time you needed me, in college when your parents were divorcing I sat with you every night making sure you are OK. Helping you with your studies so you can pass the year. I stepped out if off my comfort zone every time you needed me. I’ve always put you; first, every guy I ever liked, you wanted so as a good friend. I always stepped aside for you to have fun for a few nights and toss them away like a used toy! So many potential relationships left for you play with. Why do you think I end up with Luke, huh?! Because I knew you wouldn’t want him so I finally could have someone just to myself, no matter how fucked up he was, but he was the only mine… Who risked her job to save your stupid ass when you decided to sleep with your married boss and got fired?! I did! I lied to Greg told him you have a finance degree so you could get a job. I’ve been helping you every day to do simple shit, just to don’t raise suspicions and don’t get you fired… I stepped away again for you and Greg because you wanted him. I could give him a chance, I could try to love him, but I didn’t because of you, for you to be happy. And what did you do? Fucked him a few times as you always do, just to get a promotion. I let that slip… because that‘s what friends do. I am baffled…I had no idea you really thought I am such a bad friend?’

‘Is pointless to try to explain it to you. You won’t understand, you are too perfect to understand. I need to be by myself for a while, think about what to do with my life. You choose a different path. And I am happy for you, but I can’t be here for you with this. I can’t be your friend, not like that. You choose him, and that’s ok. But I can’t be a part of this, I need to think about my career and reputation. He is a criminal, if you can see the cons of this relationship, I am not the person to hold your hand this time’ She got up and walked to the living room to grab her laptop bag ‘Greg and I broke up, there is no point for me to try with him if he still thinks about you. I am also looking for another job I’m hoping to find something soon’ She looked at me and walked to the door

I stood in the middle of the kitchen, I couldn’t believe it. I was hurt, angry and confused.

I just lost my best friend, well someone who I thought was my best friend.

I called Greg and told him I will be working from home for the next few weeks. I promised him to explain everything, but he sounded like he already knew.

I focused on work that day, trying to forget what happened that morning. After everything, I’ve done for her. Is that what a bad friend does? Caring? Maybe I didn’t do enough?

Later in the afternoon when I thought it can’t be worse I heard back from Damien, the judge decided he won’t be released yet, but they postponed his execution. Police were looking for Bennie. I knew it is not going to take long because I told them where I left him, that’s why I had to spend so much time at the station, filing a report, it was self-defence after all.

But a few hours later Bennie’s been arrested and put in the same jail as Damien.

He was in grave danger, with Bennie and his thugs being there he could be killed. So his lawyer managed to get him an immediate transfer to another prison, but that meant we might lose contact if he couldn’t smuggle his phone. This was shit, but his life was more important than that, we could figure something out. My dad knows people, I could always find a way.

In a matter of minutes, he was gone, just like that. From now on, I had no idea if he was OK, if the transfer was successful, where he was. Only thing I knew was how much I loved him, he was everything I’ve got to keep me sane, he was my happiness wherever he was.

#damien jones #damien #damien jones fanfic #lovelink #lovelink damien #lovelink fanfic

[ctrl-shift-esc]

“So, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

All Aboard RelationSHIPS

The Art of Combining my Life with Yours

Hello, 

It’s Friday the 13th, I’m writing to you from a quaint coffee shop here in Gastown , Vancouver, BC.

It’s taken me a while to finally get to write this thing. (what’s new) 

But here we are…

So as per the results of my Instagram poll, this will be a conversation about what I believe it takes to be in a committed relationship. 

So often nowadays I hear of couples who once adored each other, who once talked about spending the rest of their lives together, break up for no apparent reason. Myself included.

No one’s cheated, no one’s physically hurt the other, no ones ultimately betrayed the other. So why are these relationships ending? Why is it that two people who once adored one another, suddenly decide that they’re no longer right for each other? Why are people, who say they eventually dream of getting married, end up giving up on their partner? I’m hearing reasons like; I just fell out of love. They just weren’t right for me. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore. They weren’t enough of this or too much of that… 

Here’s what I think:

We are quick to blame. We are quick to quit. We are quick to judge. We are quick to start looking for something better when we suddenly aren’t getting everything we want. We always want better. Though, perfect does not exist. I’m (now) a true believer in; “The grass is not greener on the other side, It’s greener where you WATER it.”

DISCLAIMER:

-These are only theories - based on my own experiences.

-These are not by any mean factual. They are merely perceptual. (as is anything in this world)

-I understand your experience might be very different than mine, which does not make your way of loving or living any less right.

-I will be talking about what it means to take responsibility for your choices and how you show up - this does not mean; to go ahead and blame yourself for circumstances that are clearly out of your control. Please remember that.

so without further a-do 

lets get crackin’!

First, take a moment to ask yourself what it means to you to be in a committed relationship? What does it mean to be in love? What does it mean to love someone? What does it mean to break up? What are your reasons to get out of a relationship? What are your reasons for not getting into a relationship in the first place? What do you ultimately want for yourself and your love life?

And now, are your choices reflecting the values you’ve set for yourself?

My definition of love and definition of a committed relationship has evolved in the past couple of years, in ways I truly never thought it would. I’ve dated my fair share of different individuals - choosing them solely based on how they made me feel. Based on how much giddiness they created for me. Blindly hoping, that this time, it would work out. Choosing them based on all the wrong reasons, based on all the wrong values. That being said, it didn’t mean I fell any less in love with them. Even if I was somehow picking the wrong people. I was madly in love every time. Or should I say; I was madly in lust. Either way, needless to say, these clearly never lasted. Except for my very first love, which was a bumpy ride of a relationship, & lasted for more than 3 years. 

Why do I think they never lasted? Truthfully, partly because I didn’t know how to take responsibility for my own actions. Also, I didn’t have the emotional language I have today to have been able to express myself properly. I was a bundle of emotions with no direction, no guidance. I don’t blame my ex-lovers for not being able to stick around, how were they supposed to know how to deal with me, when I didn’t even know how to deal with myself?

You can’t hold someone else accountable for the outcome of your relationship if you can’t hold yourself accountable for your own actions. 

This is a touchy subject, because all of what I’m saying is purely based on my experiences. Where you’re at in your journey and what you’ve determined you need right now, may not resemble me at all. And that’s ok. For now, for the sake of reading a blog, hear me out & let’s go for a ride.

First; I’d say in a “relationship”, but I’ll say “Friendship” ( because any couple should ultimately be great friends to begin with) there needs to be a mutual decision to be committed to one another. I’m not talking puppy love commitment . I’m not talking, “let’s be bf/gf until we’re not anymore” - - commitment. Not the - “I won’t cheat on you because I’m not technically allowed to, since I’ve called you my bf/gf already” commitment. I’m talking about the ; I consciously & consistently choose you. I choose you to be my teammate. I choose you to be my partner. I choose you to be my best friend. I’ve decided I won’t give up on you - that kind of  “committed to one another”. The commitment that goes beyond the initial attraction. The commitment that meets the other persons soul. The commitment that meets the other person half way, because they also choose you wholeheartedly.

Also you need to know, you have your own work to do in a relationship and your partner has theirs. You are, ultimately, 2 different entities. You can take responsibility for your half of the equation (and I’ll get into, how , in just a moment) but you absolutely cannot take all of it. 

You need to be vulnerable, not for your partner, but for yourself. Which means you identify when and why you feel what you’re feeling. 

Second; you have to have the will to make ends meet. Both of you. The will to work on your faults. The will to work together as a team to find solutions when you’re no longer calibrated, because kid you not, it will happen. If there’s no will there’s no way. 

You need to be honest, with your partner and yourself. Once you’ve identified what is going on, you voice it to your partner.

Then comes the compromise, the solution finding, and trial and error. 

This type of communication is not easy. 

NOT EASY. 

I think people nowadays underestimate what “Not Easy” means. It means it’s HARD. It’s uncomfortable. It means it’s not fun; it’s long, tedious, exhausting. Sometimes it feels hopeless. However, “Not Easy” does not mean, “Not Worth It”. 

I used to choose my men based on all the wrong reasons, to the point one day, I decided to have a checklist. I figured this was the perfect way of not dealing with bullshit. I believed this was exactly how I was going to pick the right person. The person that would be exactly what I wanted. Surely if they’re exactly what I want then it would last forever. 

Well that guy came along and it didn’t even last to the 4th month. So clearly lists and strict relationship diets are not 100% effective. I wanted someone that seemed like a “Fuck Yes” a no brainer - but easy turned out to be the hardest relationship I’ve had to this date, in the sense that it destroyed me. 

I then decided, I no longer had rules. I said yes to what ever the universe sent my way (get your head out of the gutter, not talking sex things)….. I said yes to meeting new people, people I would’ve otherwise never spoken to. I said yes to trips I would’ve otherwise not agreed to. 

During that time I said yes to someone who I’d been friends with for longer than I could remember. I said yes despite knowing it would not be an easy relationship if it were to ever turn into one. But I said yes. Because fundamentally we communicated properly, we knew who we were as individuals. There was definitely a sexual attraction there, we laughed, we enjoyed each other. I said yes to someone I otherwise wouldn’t have, and it was the best choice I ever made. It’s been wonderful and life changing. Anything but easy. I would be lying if I said there hasn’t been times where I wondered if it wouldn’t be easier to give up. 

Yes, it would be easier……. Somewhat.

Would it be worth it? To give up?

No.

Never. 

What has kept me holding on? Other than the fact, that I’m not only IN LOVE with him, but I simply love who he is as a human being.

Well! I want to get married one day. Which means I have already made the decision that I ultimately want to share my life with 1 person. I also know, no one is perfect. So then how am I supposed to justify wanting to be committed to one person if I run away when things get a little rocky?

If I give up, it means I was never fully committed in the first place. Which means I can’t expect anyone to be committed to me either.

Also, I find practicing at becoming a better human; growing intellectually, emotionally, and together, far more gratifying than having to start all over again every time. Any relationship will take work, will take calibration, due to the simple fact that 2 different human beings can’t always be on the same wave length. Shit just gets rocky sometimes. That’s fact. With anyone. So why would I want to drop all the hard work, for a temporary way out, just to start all over again with someone else down the road?! 

This will never be worth it to me. 

But yes, I have a limit. IF I’m finding the strength to communicate, to put the work in, I’m willing to try , try again……and try again. But if I’m asking for what I need and my needs can’t… not can’t but simply won’t be met, and the work isn’t reciprocated… Then there comes a time where I can’t do all the work myself. This could cause me to let go. IF I am betrayed, I’m talking, cheated on or hurt to the point of no return… I’ll let go. 

They’re called relationSHIPS for a reason, it isn’t always smooth sailing. There’s going to be waves and some rockier than others. Love takes work. It’s not just about a feeling. It’s either you’re on board or you can take your life raft back to shore. 

No do not stay in something that is toxic. Do not take responsibility for something that is out of your control either. If your partner lacks commitment, that is not a You problem. If you showed up 100% for yourself and your partner and tried your best at all times then that’s all you can do. However, If the relationship didn’t cause any real harm to you, & you haven’t fully given it a chance, you bail, know that this was your choice. Take full responsibility. It wasn’t because that person wasn’t right for you, It’s simply because you chose to decide she wasn’t. If you haven’t taken the time to ask for what you needed, If you didn’t give the person the chance to give that to you - If you blamed falling out of love as though this was out of your control, know that you did not commit to the relationship. This isn’t right or wrong, it is what it is, but take responsibility for it. I believe; If you’ve fallen for them before, you can fall for them again, question is, do you want to?

I’ll let you ponder…

on that note 

Ctrl+ Shift+ Live Love Laugh wholeheartedly (Btw, a little quality time goes a long way.) <3 . 

#love #lovers #relationships #couple #couple goals #together #loveblog #lifestyle #healthylifestyle #blog #blogger #lifestyleblogger #MTL #mtlmoments #mtlblogger #yvr #yvrblog #yvrblogger #soulmate #compromise #life #beyoubetrue #authentic #authenticity #truth #realtalk #yeg #yeggers

[dearmadalice]

Drabble feat. Shigezane and Harumi. I don’t write a lot about them interacting so I wanted to explore their relationship a little. Also I like to think that because of Shigezane, Harumi’s able to be a lot more open about a lot of her issues. Also because I don’t write a lot about Harumi and DESERVES LOVE AND AFFECTION AND SUPPORT. The tea tray rattled a little as he walked. He wondered if he was doing something wrong. Harumi could carry it so gently and it hardly ever made a sound! Even when she would pick up the cups to set them on a tabletop, they never clinked. It made him feel quite uncultured. He definitely was, but he liked maintaining a cool air of disregard.

Of course she heard him coming from a mile away, and rose from her seat on the verandah. Harumi had been enjoying the sunshine and the garden with a serene, blissful expression on her face. Now she looked very serious and even panicked, rubbing her hands together before she paced forward to wrench the tray from his hands. “Master Shigezane, please allow me. I’m sorry I only-“ Shigezane twisted away, keeping the tray safely out of her hands. He grinned at her, Harumi moving to try and take it again. “You were only taking a break? Please, Haru! The house won’t collapse just because you decided to rest. I insist on it!” Then he started to laugh. “Look, I even made you tea! I’m just glad you were already relaxing so I didn’t have to pry you away from work! That’s a battle I don’t think I’d win easily!” Shigezane nudged her roughly with his elbow. “Sit, sit! Come now!” She looked at him with an air of caution before she gently sank back to the floor. Shigezane did his best to put the tray down without messing it up, but it banged heavily against the wood and the dishes clanked together roughly. He snorted to himself a little before he swatted Harumi’s hands away. “Nuh uh; allow me to serve you!”  He carefully poured the tea. At least it all went into the cups instead of all over the tray or all over the floor. Haru bowed her head, moving her hand to tuck some of her hair behind her ear in a worrying motion. “You have my thanks, Master Shigezane.” He snorted. “Please, I’m not Master of anything. Zane is fine, or even Shigezane.”  He did like Haru. She worked hard at up keeping the estate and practically bent over backwards to make sure they all had clean clothes and were eating right. He was by no means helpless, but he would definitely neglect keeping his clothes fresh. He didn’t really like her treating them all like her betters, rather than friends. She was a part of their weird, extended family. “Shigezane then,” she said. “Perfect!” Now that the formalities were all out of the way he could get to serious business. Shigezane handed her tea cup to her, smiling as she took a sip. At least he hadn’t fucked it up! Bah, any idiot could boil water and throw in some damn leaves! “I really wanted to talk to you,” he started. “I don’t want to harass you if you really don’t want to talk, but I wanted to know how you were holding up.” She had become a part of their crazy family, but it had started nagging at him more than usual. There was that whole problem with her husband fighting a war against the Date. Omura Ginmaru was a dead man walking, all things considered, and she was living in the castle of men who would be his judge and executioner. None of them had really even bothered to see how she was feeling. “I’m fine,” she said. “I promise that I don’t take on more than I can handle. I do like keeping busy and being helpful. You don’t need to worry about me.” Harumi smiled sweetly, taking another sip from her tea. “Really, I’m undeserving of all this worry.” His brow furrowed. “That’s . . . not really what I meant.” The question was how he was supposed to breach the subject. Shigezane ground his teeth while he thought. There was no point in being subtle. He was terrible at it. “Do you hate us?” She started to cough, having inhaled so sharply that something had gone amiss. “Hate you? No, no of course not! Never in a thousand years could I hate any of you!” Harumi quickly shook his head. “Have I done something? Master Shigezane I am sorry if I said something-“ “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he insisted. Then he hummed to himself. And she’d gone all formal again on him. “It’s just that . . . you know this whole ordeal. With your husband. I thought you might hate us for that. “ Shigezane started pulling at his clothing, his shoulders slumping. He was making himself all depressed. “Aren’t you scared?” It caused Harumi to go quiet, the smile long gone from her face now. She slowly spun the cup in her hand, her eyes downcast towards her hands. Then finally, “You don’t need to worry about me. I know it’s your duty.” “Really?” he knew he was pressing, and could see that she was upset, but he was worried. He didn’t want Harumi to get swept up in the affairs of war and men and simply be forgotten or treated as an afterthought. They all thought too highly of her for that. “You, Master Katakura, and Lord Date have all been exceptionally kind of me. I earnestly could not bring myself to hate any of you. I swear it, Master Shigezane. My loyalty to your family will never waver, even if you cannot bring yourself to trust me.” Her words stung badly. Did she really think she hadn’t earned their trust? “I know you care about him,” he said. “If there’s a way to a peaceful outcome I’ll definitely try my best.” Shigezane forced a smile, and made a show of lifting his arm and flexing. “If there’s a way to reunite you and your husband, Date Shigezane will make it happen-“ Harumi had twisted her head back towards him. He thought that maybe she would have looked relieved but instead she looked absolutely horrified. She grabbed his sleeve, tipping over their tea cups. “No, please. Please don’t make me go back!” “Hey, hey! Of course not!  If you don’t wanna go we’re not gonna make you!” he said. Shigezane gently patted her hand. Though, he hadn’t been expecting that response. She looked so hopeless, her fingers relaxing until her hands had dropped into her lap. “But I should go back,” she said. Her hands started shaking, and she lifted them to her face defensively. “Of course I should be happy you would try to save him for me. I would be most grateful-“ Haru started to cry and it stirred up a sense of panic in him. These weren’t happy, relieved tears. Shigezane squirmed uncomfortably. More than anything, he wanted to protect her. “Haru?” Shigezane put his hands against her arms, gently trying to coax her. “What’s wrong?” It was all he could think to ask. She was in awful, emotional pain. “It’s me,” she said. “I’m sorry, I’m just awful!” “That’s not true-“ “It is. I’m terrible, and wicked, and awful. You don’t need to be so kind to me!” Haru lifted her face, dropping her hands from her mouth to her chest. “I’ve betrayed him! A good wife would stand at his side and die for him and I can’t even do that much! He’s known all along! And that’s why he left me behind!” That thought made him incredibly angry. Ginmaru abandoning Haru spoke more of his character than her own. “Don’t say that! You’re wonderful!” he insisted. “You are a good wife!” “What sort of wife can’t even give her husband a child?” Haru covered her face again, practically curling up into herself as she sobbed. “Three years . . . three years and nothing! And now I can’t even say that I care what happens to him.” His throat tightened and he wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her fiercely. “You weren’t born to suffer,” he said. “You’re not worthless just because you can’t have children. You deserve love and happiness like anyone else.” Shigezane yanked her back, and pressed his palms against the side of her face. “Harumi!” he said, “The way we do things here is that we do what makes us happy! If you wanna throw mud at the walls you throw mud at the walls! If you want to tell your husband that he’s a jack ass and to fuck right off, you tell him to fuck right off!” She sniffled a little, and Shigezane purposefully smooshed her face. Now she looked quite comical, with tears streaming down her face and her lips puffed out. “I-I can’t say that.” He huffed at her. “You definitely can! I want to hear you say it! ‘Ginmaru, you are a jackass, and I hate you!’” “It is not becoming for a woman to curse in such an awful way-“ “C’mon! Get mad!” he insisted. Harumi paused a moment, hiccupped, and then meekly fulfilled his request. “G-ginmaru. You are . . . you are a jackass. And I . . . and I hate you.” He actually hadn’t expected her to say it and once she had, Shigezane started to giggled and snort like a little boy. “That’s my girl,” he chirped. “Haru, you’re free to do whatever you want to in life. It’s not always easy, but I know you can fight to hold onto the things that make you happy. I’ll support you. We’ll all support you.” Harumi hiccupped again, but once he let her go she seemed relieved. She wiped her face with her sleeve, and then looked remorsefully at all the tea that had been spilled over the verandah. One of the cups had also been cracked. “Oh . . . oh no.” Shigezane rose and brushed himself off dramatically. “It’s just a tea cup. Bon breaks these things all the time.” Then he smiled at her. “Now, speaking of . . . I’m gonna go talk to Bon about our chat.” Her face turned to panic again. “No! Shigezane please don’t! I don’t want him to think less of me!” “I’m just going to ask him to officially annul your marriage,” he remarked. “You know. If that’s what you want.” Harumi grabbed Shigezane’s sleeve, her mouth hanging open for a second before she closed it. “Excuse me?” “He’s Lord,” Shigezane chirped again. “You didn’t think of that? He can just be like ‘this union is bullshit’ and WHAM. You’re a free lady.” Then he started to laugh. “What, you didn’t know that? It’s not like it happens all the time, but it’s still a thing.” Haru chewed thoughtfully on her lip, and then she looked Shigezane over warily. “You . . . do you really think he would do that?” “For you? Of course!” Shigezane gave her a cheeky wink, before he started picking up the tea tray and dishes again. “I hope that even if you find yourself to be a free bird, you’ll still choose to roost here. I think you make some of the best pickled daikon I’ve ever had. And you know we’re all sort of useless without you.” Shigezane was disappointed to find that the tray still rattled, and sighed a little. “If you will all have me, it would be an honor to stay.”

#oc: Shigezane #oc: Harumi