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traveller-of-the-knight · 9 months

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This is going to be very personal so uh... Yeah...

Tw: Comparing the discomfort of the character Marc Spector visiting a psychiatrist and explaining DID symptoms then getting a diagnosis, with my discomfort explaining my psychotic symptoms to a doctor and getting a diagnosis as a person who is only diagnosed with psychosis and isn't a system, also angst about my diagnosis

Some days ago I was (finally) diagnosed with ✨psychosis✨. I mean... I knew I probably had that for years but talking infront of a doctor about it feels... Surreal to say the least. Like "Woah! I'm actually very fucked up huh? Huh..."

I realized at the doctor that I made the same expression as he did! For me now this expression sums up all pain and discomfort that comes with explaining very stigmatized mental health symptoms. Like I'm the odd one out, saying out loud all the weird things I expirence realising How different my life has been from "the norm"

This part is about my personal experience with psychosis and describes it in an angsty rushed way (those are not the symptoms or the experience of a system)

My psychosis made me spent my whole life experiencing things that don't exist and besicaly I was living in what I can describe as a different reality from everybody elses, a very, very scary one. (In the unedited post my internalised mental ableism and fear of my dissorder did the talking here, I decided not to keep this part because it can be triggering and share inaccuracies)

BREAK FROM MY SADNESS MY CAT WALKED ON MY PC AND OUT OF NOWHERE MAS ALLA DEL SOL STARTED PLAYING I CAN'T 😭😭😭

Ah... Life is a joke

Remembering this panel during my appointment, I felt like I wasn't alone -even thought this is a work of fiction, and not my dissorder, not my symptoms- I... I felt like there was a way to describe it? It's how I imagined young Marc felt on this page, or at least close to.

My fear skyrocketed when my doctor told me "Call me if you think you are a danger to your self or others" (people with psychotic symptoms are more likely to be the abused one than the abuser, we are not dangerous and systems aren't either). My heart sinked "or others" realising this could be a possibility, realising I reached a point in my life where a doctor told me this. Damn... Also I have harm OCD that's taking over my life so... Not good "or others"

It's a shame we don't have many media about people with those stigmatized, "scary" mental illnesses just living their lives and not idk being a cheap thriller plot *angst sounds*.

Reading about characters that have that in common with my make me feel like I am not alone. And yes I am projecting on them as a way to cope with my illness and find comfort, but I realized this can spread misinformation and that wasn't my intention, so I edited this post)

I'm not thinking very clearly writing this, so if I said anything offensive to anyone please I didn't do it on purpose and I don't have the brain power to express all my thoughts correctly in a foreign language and I am mostly writing this for my self.

So yeah... That has being my life for the past week. Also I have to read for finals hehehe 🥲

My doctor recommended me to take a look into the hearingvoices mental health organisation and I'm putting it up here in case it helps anyone else. I think it's international because I have it in my country too.

Anyone else with ocd and psychosis?

#moon knight #moonknight #moon knight analysis #moon knight thoughts #moon knight comics #moon knight comic #lemire #moon knight 2016 #moon knight by lemir and smallwood #greg smallwood #actually psychotic #psychosis #actually psychosis #psychiatry #mental illness #mental health diary #marc Spector #ocd #actually ocd

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nomorelostyears · 5 months

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I ordered my partner a same day delivery bouquet from a local florist bc I'm a terrible jealous person and upset him today!

The colours match their hair💝

I hope they arrive safely 🫡🫡

I spent over £50+

#my post #bpd #actually bpd #actually cptsd #c ptsd #jealously #osdd #did #mental health #mental illness #mental health diary #flowers

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spokespeaksspeccs · 7 months

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My dad told me to always expect and plan for the worst to happen,

I didn’t but then I looked in the mirror and I looked just like him

Not physically

Not but in the eyes

He with a big heart

Held space for so much love

Seen as a stone

Now

Built as a castle

He hides behind his work so long that it all feels pretend

I understand the life of the eyes behind the man

It hurts

It’s hollow

I don’t want to expect the worst

But the eyes explain why

Why I should

Why I should hide as well

I feel hollow

So I hide behind kaleidoscope eyes

#speccspeaks #poetry #in the eye #im processing a lot right now so my writing will be very chaotic for a while #writing #spilled thoughts #my writing #mental health #mental health diary #schizoaffective

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pinkchrissysposts · 2 months

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I'm genuinely concern for people who make fun of others with mental health disorders like be careful you might become our first victim😀. We'll love it if you try to understand us tho

#mental health #anxiety #mental disorders #mental health diary #depressing shit #bipolar disorder

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ray-talks · 3 months

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2/12/24

i binged over the weekend.

i resumed restriction today. it's odd. when i let go and binge, it does not bring me happiness -- not even momentarily, rather it feels like extreme desperation, an unraveling of sorts. i became overwhelmed with this sense of emptiness, and it was painful in a way that was unbearable. i held this belief that i am pursuing suffering; but this made me realize, i do not want to suffer, not like this at least. what i truly want is suffering that i can control, that i can inflict upon myself. i don't want to be subjected to a helpless suffering, one that is boundless and out of my control. when i hurt myself, it is familiar, even comforting, it doesn't actually hurt me -- even though, it technically does. when i self-harm, when i starve, when i isolate, it's what comes naturally to me, like it is who i am. i am self-destructive. that's my nature.

i think when things become out of control, the uncertainty frightens me. i don't want to face life and the consequences of being human, so i never try to better myself. i never have to confront what is unknown, and i never have to put myself on the line to be disappointed. letting myself eat means that i don't have to technically have to follow my goal -- it means i could change, and so many options open up. but i don't want that. when i chase after getting worse, it means that everything becomes simple. i have only one path to follow. i don't have to try. i only have to go along with it. i am a weak, single-minded person. life is too hard; therefore, i don't try to live it.

i only foresee a specific future for myself, and i am resigned to it. i have to keep to this path of mine. i don't want to stray from it. i don't want to find a new one. this is all i can do.

i am upset. i wish i could act how i wish. i want to be in control.

i will note that this is my 100th post. but, that is all i have left to say for the day.

#ray talks #tw ana diary #mental health diary #tw restrictive ed #ed not ed sheeran

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infinitedoorsystem · 8 months

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Having a delusion proven wrong is one of the scariest things that happen to me, because I feel my whole world shift, it was real and it still is when I’m not pushing constantly, im so tired.

Even when I have one proven wrong it’s still in my head like what if that’s just a cover up what if it’s a lie what if these people are against me. I’m scared.

#mental health #schizophrenia #mental health diary #schizoaffective #schizophrenic spectrum #schizospec #Spotify

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carlinha-xx · 8 months

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#heroin chic #its not as simple as just eating #tw disordered thoughts #stoner ana #adult ana #mental health diary #tw ed diary

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catsung · 3 months

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21/01/2024 DIGITAL DIARY

today was pretty uneventful. i woke up around 7 to my brother yelling at video games. i couldn't fall back to sleep so i talked to my crush. then by around 2 i fell back asleep and woke up at around 7. i was lacking motivation but i was able to get the energy to shower. after my shower i spent some time with my mom. then i played some overwatch. after i got bored of overwatch i reorganized some of my room. now one half of my room looks nice and the other half is extremely messy. after that i decided to play some overwatch competitive. i played two games before giving up. i was unlucky with my teammates. this isn't me trying to make excuse for myself either cause people in the game acknowledged i was the only good one on my team. now i'm waiting to be tired so i can sleep. tomorrow i'm going to see my dad. i haven't seen him since august. i'm very excited. he's going to stay for a couple days then go to the dominican republic (where my step mom lives).

#digital diary #dear diary #my diary #tumblr diary #diary entry #mental health diary #mental health #personal

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hometowneverland · 4 months

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Todos os dias sinto que algo horrível está prestes a acontecer comigo. Como se eu fosse destinada a sofrer. Passei metade do ano em completo estresse não por coisas reais, mas por criações da minha cabeça. Repito meus erros na minha mente todos os dias, absolutamente todos os erros e também todos os dias. Me afogo em meus pensamentos obsessivos.

#diary #mental health #mental health diary #mental illness #mental health journey #2023

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dreams-poetry-art-therapy · 1 year

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the relationship internet addiction < - > is really simple, though

#depressed #life #depressive episode #depression #Internet addiction #mental health diary

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nomorelostyears · 5 months

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19 - Nov 23

1:13am

I'm really struggling bc my partner is out w his friends tonight.

My jealousy is through the roof so I've had a med cocktail 💊

I hate it. I hate feeling like this, I hate the thoughts, compulsions, the exhaustion that follows!! I hate the idea that it's out of my hands whether I get hurt in a relationship or not.

I'm keeping my messages blunt and short to avoid upsetting my partner w my issues 😭

#make it stop #tw vent #tw medication #tw drugs #tw substance abuse #tw relationships #tw jealousy #my post #bpd #actually bpd #actually cptsd #c ptsd #mental health #mental illness #did #dissociation #osdd #mental health diary

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biscuitdolly · 17 days

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hobbies to try out ♡

hobbies are such a great way to spend your time rather than being on technology all the time. It's great to have a skill, as skills can help you make friends, and can also open up new job opportunities!! here are some ideas, some are easy and simple and others are a little more advanced, there's (hopefully) something for everyone !!

O1 , painting / sketching

O2 , ballet (or dance in general)

O3 , sewing

O4 , reading

O5 , journalling

O6 , gardening

O7 , baking

O8 , photography

O9 , creative writing / songwriting / poem writing

1O , yoga

11 , learning an instrument (electric/acoustic guitar, drums, piano, violin etc)

12 , bracelet/jewellery making

13 , thrifting

14 , skateboarding

15 , hiking / exploring

16 , calligraphy

17 , pottery

18 , knitting / crochet

19 , pilates

2O , learning a language

21 , origami

22 , archery

23 , bird watching , herping , and animal/bug study in general

24 , mycology , plant observation/documentation

25 , start a podcast or amateur radio

26 , roller skating

27 , gymnastics / acrobatics

28 , cardistry

29 , terrarium making

30 , calisthenics

hope this helps!!!

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thatgirlie-diaries · 19 days

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My daily habit tracker ୨୧

To embody daily "that college girl" during the second half of my semester! My focus is flexible achivement according to my energy and time available.

Do my morning and night routine

Affirm positive affirmations and practice gratitude x2 morning and night

No shit talking + Complaining

Use my phone less than 3 hours

Follow a healthy diet: 4 meals, one fruit, healthy snacks and drink water only!

Indulge in movement: do a pilates workout or a stretch workout

Practice self-care: look good for the day, take care of my hair, body, skin, teeth, smell good

Maintain a clean space all day

Self-develoment: read, journal, listen to a podcast, practice meditation or/and invest in hobbies

Education: Learn about educational topics, complete my homework or/and study Italian.

xoxo, that girl ୭ৎ

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ray-talks · 3 months

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2/7/24

as you can see, i did not post yesterday.

i straight-up binged yesterday. not even that i ate more than i would have liked, i ate until my stomach hurt, and i became nauseous. halting my progress with weight loss is one thing -- and, yes, it is terrible and i am horrified. but what truly irks me, and legitimately unsettles me, is the betrayal of my own principles. am i seriously all talk? am i hypocrite through and through? am i lying to myself? i worry that i am not who i think i am -- or maybe i do know who i am deep down, but don't want to meet eyes with it. what conclusion i draw is that i am a weak-minded person, i do not have actual convictions, and i do whatever is easiest for me. i cannot commit to anything -- life or death, happiness or suffering, so i just meander between the two. i made a goal with intentions to suffer and create meaning from it, so i can die peacefully. if i am not following this, then what the fuck am i doing?

yesterday was so upsetting to me, that it kept playing in my head throughout today, unable to let it go and making me feel sick. it made me more suicidal than i already am. i have been intentionally refraining from these lines of thought, so it does not hinder my goals, and i try not consider it until it is the right time. but i couldn't stop from having these thoughts today. if i were to pursue these, it would have to give great certainty, because i am not failing again, and ending up hospitalized. i'd have to try a more directly fatal method then past attempts; this however, is hard, because i have to have a greater gall to do it. it's a lot easier to coax yourself into taking a bottle of pills, then the alternative method i am considering. i wonder if i even have the strength to do it, or if i am too much of a fucking coward? so pathetic.

even so, this isn't relevant yet, because i refuse to act on these impulses for the time being. i cannot let this intercede my plans. i've stated this before, but caving in leads to mistakes -- errors that i cannot afford. the possibility of failure is not something i want to risk happening. i'd also be throwing all my efforts, my goal, to the wind. i am not willing to give that up yet. it will defeat the entire purpose of my wish. i'll die accomplishing nothing, really being the useless person i have always believed myself to be, and the weak-minded individual i characterized above. at least if i push myself to the limit, it says something about me -- that i can be passionate and purposeful, instead of a body that simply is alive, but ultimately, devoid of any soul.

again, i am so perturbed by all this is because i am ruining my goal, i am going against what i claim to care about. maybe i hate being human, that full-control will forever be beyond my grasp. a part of me always has and will long for perfection. regardless, i need to remember that mistakes are inevitable, and will be inevitable for me, and to not let my emotions best me. if i stumble on my path, i have to regain balance, brush myself off, and continue forward. i have no other choice. i am such a jumble of contradictions, it's so hard to decipher for me what i even believe. when i'm lying, when i'm telling the truth. my problem is that i think too hard about it; i question every little action i take, and waste time trying to consider what it means and why. it doesn't actually matter. all that matters is getting my shit together long enough to win. falling into pieces can wait. i desperately need to focus.

another piece of information to mention is that i attended a consultation for interventional psychiatry. essentially, the psychiatrist recommended me to do either esketamine or tms (transcranial magnetic stimulation). this is problematic to me. based on how they described it, it sounded too effective, stating around 70% of patients reduce their depression symptoms by 50% -- either that, or the psychiatrist was trying to market it in the most flattering light. obviously, i do not want to be altered by this procedure. i have no desire to "improve" my mental health -- it would be counterproductive to my goal. i need to be in a depressed enough mindset to accomplish what i set out to do. and, on top of that, securing stability in happiness is no longer a priority to me. i am not interested in it.

the reason why i can't just refuse to do this, is because i am being forced to by my parents. even though, i am a legal adult now and can't be technically forced to do anything, i have to maintain a good relationship with them. i need the appearance of stability to protect myself, and more specifically and above all else, my eating disorder. i am financially dependent upon them, and i do care about them and i have a motivation to shield them from the reality of my situation (whether this is out of selflessness or selfishness is debatable). the reason i attend therapy and take my medications is to satisfy them. but i am also aware, the medication and therapy do not change me in ways i dislike. i have no idea what these procedures would do to me. i want to confidently say it'll make no difference, but i have gotten warier. i do not believe manipulating them into thinking that i am better and do not need these procedures would work. so, it would seem my hands are tied. i'll continue to update about this as it either comes to fruition or the aftermath of it.

on today's restriction, it could have been better, which is also irritating, considering the fiasco over yesterday. i have still yet to attempt purging again to see if it is working again. i was originally going to try again after wednesday, but i think that i might see my friend tomorrow instead of friday, and i'll be unable to. i'm not sure if this is necessarily a bad thing, because perhaps waiting longer may hopefully convince my body to work properly. i will admit, though, that i am hesitating because i am afraid of discovering that my break did nothing. then again, i suppose nothing can be done, and i would have to rely purely on restriction. this would definitely be a significant blow to me nevertheless, morale-wise and goal-wise. since i am unable to fast for days and have to restrict my intake instead, no longer having purging as an option, would be a hindrance. i really don't want to have to think about this.

goodness, this might be the longest entry i have ever made. i have a feeling no one will read this one (lol). even so, if you managed to read all this, despite my incessant complaining and unsavory pity-party throwing, then i congratulate you. i hope you have a better day than mine.

#ray talks #tw ana diary #mental health diary #tw restrictive ed #ed not ed sheeran

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infinitedoorsystem · 4 months

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What used to suck the most is that I “couldn’t” write I had writers block…. Kind of

I don’t believe it’s that simple as just writers block,

Writing is so important to me it was a form of expressions that only one could be heard through,

It was a way of communication that I so subconsciously ignored

I never re read what they had to say.

Now I’m unable to draw,

Maybe not unable but,,

Unable to be present enough to let my imagination work,

I let my demons grab my throat and shake me,

So hard that I lost the ability to speak for ourself,

OURSELF.

Im stuck unable to communicate at all

All my feelings being morphed into things that don’t make sense,

When we lost our voice, we lost ourself.

#mental health #schizoaffective #did system #mental health diary #youtube music #brakence #SoundCloud

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bluerosefox · 25 days

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Drake Siblings

Have I read this prompt somewhere or was this a fever dream from my bored mind.

What if, now hear me out.

What if we bring up Dana Winters-Drake (whose confirmed to at least be alive in the DC verse but no one knows where she actually is)

What if instead of when she had a mental breakdown and getting committed to an Bludhaven clinc she wandered away before anyone noticed and by the time Tim or anyone did notice a lot of stuff started happening at once in both Gotham and Bludhaven (Steph dying, The Bludhaven crisis, etc etc)

Tim still tries to find her though but even with best resources it was like she just disappeared into the wilderness and the stress of trying to handle more and more problems get worse.

So when out of the blue, a couple of years later, he gets a call from an unknown number. On his private, only for friends and family, phone and when he answers he meet with a young girls voice on the other end.

A very young, maybe six or seven, girl who informs him about his apparently half-brother Danny Drake-Fenton. And how she loves Danny so, so, so much but knows her home is dangerous for him to be in.

Tim is stunned and before he could question her, she says Danny is Dana and Jack's baby and that her parents had adopted him years ago and put Dana's stuff that the hospital had away for him to look at when he was older but she just had to fight off their lunch from eating her brother and she knows he needs a better place to live and so she snooped around and found Dana's diary and that she had to unscramble the nonsense Dana wrote and found Tim's number with the words 'tell him about his brother Danny' hidden in it. And-

But before she could keep rambling she hears Danny screaming "JAZZY THE MILK WENT BAD AGAIN AND HISSED AT ME!"

Tim is left with silence after hearing Jazz yell to Danny to lock the fridge and step out of the kitchen as she gets the bat.

#danny phantom #danny fenton #crossover #dp x dc #blue rambles #danny phantom dc #writing ideas #random idea #dpxdc #jazz fenton #tim drake #danny and tim are half brothers #dana Winters-Drake was pregnant when she disappeared #she was out of her mind until she found out and tried her best to regain control but it was hard #she had in and out episodes #she wanted to contact Tim but knew he was still in Gotham and she just coulnt due to episodes of her mental health failing #she was found months later in labor and rushed to a hospital and Danny somehow came out healthy #small but healthy #Dana however lasted a few more hours before passing away from the birth #weeks laters Danny is adopted or fostered out #Dana wrote in diary but scramble and scribbled during her episodes #Jazz finds it and being the smarty she is starts figuring it out #it also set her on her path to understand the human mind #Tim gets to be a big brother #not just for Danny though #hes gonna take Jazz in too after he finds out about how bad the home life is #will Danny still become Phantom though?#maybe #maybe Tim gets there and Jack and Maddie finished the portal way earlier than canon and Danny being curious goes to see #and comes down the stairs to see his baby brother die and then come back

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