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performing-personhood · 1 month

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I learned a kind of funny thing and I need to tell you bc it's important, cmere. Lean in so the others can't hear okay?

Ok so like

I know that the reason we are the way we are is because at some point we took up some space - as people do - and someone turned to us and went "whoa, excuse you! What do you think you're doing" or something, right? And they were, like, surprised and offended that we took up space and told us to stay real small and subservient? And we were pretty young, you and me, and we didn't really grok Peopling yet and so we assumed that everyone else was going to have that expectation too?

Okay I just learned: that isn't true at all, that person was just an asshole.

Babe. BABE. This is big.

Ok do you realize ??? that most people when they're around someone - anyone, this is important, it's an unconscious reflex and happens rather automatically - and that person is like "I have an opinion and desires and also some needs and I am going to express them openly" Did you realize, because I didn't, that most people completely intuitively go "oh! There's another person here! Lemme just scootch over so they fit better :)" PEOPLE MAKE ROOM FOR YOU.

People don't ignore us, when we're silently having wants and needs and waiting our turn to be noticed, they just have similar very loud brains and have no idea because beung corporeal is Distracting™️. Not only do people just need a reminder that you're there, they're totally happy to accomodate. In a distinctly "ope! My bad, lemme just- here-" sort of way.

My spouse has a loud brain and drowns it out with Mario Kart. I've spent most of my life quietly entertaining myself in all of these instances, because at some point someone told me I was supposed to "go play" and nobody wanted to play with me so I entertained myself right? Okay. Well I recently had a sea change and decided I was gonna pop my headphones in and watch TV on my tablet when he was doing his Mario Karting. Because the boy will easily go for four hours and I just spontaneously realized that it would actually be ridiculous if he got butthurt at me for putting some quiet tv on for myself instead of watching a grown man play the same video game for hours.

You know what happened? Not only did nobody's feelings get hurt, but I have never made it more than twenty minutes into a show before he ends a match and switches the console off. And I have never asked him to do so. When I'm over there doing my own thing with my own TV show like a person instead of just scrolling on my phone trying real hard not to exist, somewhere in his unconscious he goes "there's a whole other human being on the other end of the sofa from me. I want to turn this off and engage with that person!"

Okay do you understand what I am telling you??

When you behave like a human person and treat yourself like a human person, other people also instinctively treat you like a human person and they're happy to be reminded that they get to engage with you. The person in our past that reacted differently and got mad at us for being a person, plainly and simply: they were just being an asshole to us.

The people we love want to engage with us. Almost all of them!!! And not only that?? Most other human beings feel the same way.

Huge. Big huge.

Don't take my word for it baby cakes okay, take a sec and muster up the courage (it'll be scary the first time, but the thinking about it is always scarier than doing it I swear) and then get back out there and practice being your very own human person occupying human people space, around someone who loves you, and just... watch what happens. The first time someone warmly, graciously, voluntarily accommodates you is the greatest feeling a corporeal being can experience, and you deserve it too.

#recovering people pleaser #recovering from abuse #recovering from trauma #recovering codependent #recovering from cptsd #cptsd recovery #actually cptsd #just neurodivergent things #actually neurodivergent #mental illness #things I learned in therapy #therapy works

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angelouvre · 5 months

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recovering people pleaser

#by me #pathological people pleaser #recovering people pleaser

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ididoktoday · 1 year

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How we get better: a decidedly nonlinear and varied process

Maybe that suffering will slough off us like a crispy sunburn, peeling away gradually in its own time, protesting a timeline faster than its own intention. But slough it will.

Maybe that suffering will cling to us until the last second it’s allowed, like a sucking leech, our humors leaking messily and causing a real scene, relief and vulnerability entwined to tease apart later. But we’ll have time and headspace to do that work.

Maybe that suffering will be ripped off us like a warm blanket on an early winter morning, snatched away by a guiding figure who knows that what we need is more important than what we want, a figure who sighs down with love at our shivering legs. That figure knows a warm future for us that our eyes are not yet mature enough to see.

We are birthed in all sorts of ways. Let us treat each other as gently as newborns.

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chillwithnea · 10 months

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the magic begins, when...

you start to say 'no'

you start to put yourself first

you start to treat & see yourself as the queen you are

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exclusivelyhomosexual · 4 months

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Sometimes I say IDGAF about people’s opinions of me, but the truth is:

I do give a fuck. I actually give a lot of fucks.

I’ve been giving fucks as long as I can remember. I’ve given fucks every day of my life. In fact, I got so good at giving fucks about everyone that I thought that was my purpose in life. And so I gave fucks day and night, no matter my mental state, I was the friend you could call.

I’ve given so many fucks that I’m in chronic burnout, trying to make up for all those lost fucks. It’s why I can’t work at a job I got my degree for. It’s why I don’t go out and socialize. It’s why I routinely have 70 unread text messages.

And I’m autistic, so I was born with already a lot less fucks to begin with.

Here’s to all my fellow recovering givers-of-too-many-fucks 🥂 keep protecting those fucks, there’s so few of them.

(Also, if you tend to not give fucks please don’t shame people for if they do. Not giving *any* fucks AND giving *too many* fucks are both trauma responses, we all cope differently. Neither way is “better”)

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vizthedatum · 21 days

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I’m not prescribing this everyone or anything but the relationship anarchy paradigm has been helpful for me to understand my relationship needs.

—

Introspectively, in the past, I have often molded myself to be someone who didn’t have needs in the beginning of a relationship so that I could just get along with people or to even seduce the love interest I have at the moment.

That’s led to massive disappointment for everyone involved.

I do think there is some level of masking and code switching at the start of any relationship but usually people show up as themselves with a build up of mutual trust.

People-pleasers, like me, keep hiding parts of them away so that they aren’t too much for the person. Then we end up with people who aren’t satisfactorily emotionally or physically available.

We attract what we feel on the inside.

If I’m running away from myself, I will attract friends and lovers who are running away from me - and it won’t necessarily be their fault.

—

Understanding that people are who they are has helped me finally turn the tables on this situation: who am I? What are my needs? How do I want people to stick around?

If I love someone and they can’t show up the way I need them to show up… then what?

How am I showing up for people? Are people okay with that?

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As a poly person, I naturally gravitate and feel love for many people. I always have. Monogamy was something I participated in in the past because I didn’t know relationships could be any other way… and I didn’t want people to feel like I wasn’t committed. I also just didn’t know enough about the culture… although I have to admit, the more I learn, the more I don’t know about any culture lol

Relationship anarchy allows me to have more explicit conversation about how a relationship dynamic will work. It only really works out if people are willing to communicate about personal and vulnerable stuff. It can be hard and disappointing.

Some people can’t give you everything or even the *important* things you want.

And sometimes you can’t give people what they want either.

That’s ok, in my opinion.

#poly #polyamory #relationships #relationship #relationship anarchy #love #healing #neurodivergence #self love #queer #relational love #recovering people pleaser #people pleasing #prose

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amistillhere · 9 months

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eldest child? no, eldest daughter. she’s never been a child in her life.

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void-galaxy-shenanigans · 3 months

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Affirmations from my therapist that I believe Tumblr would appreciate and should say with me, part two:

“I deserve my own kindness and compassion first, before anyone else gets some.”

(Yes I am a recovering people pleaser / fawn response 😭✌) ~Nico

#trauma #~Nico #autistic #quote #healing from trauma #actually adhd #healing #neurodivergent #actually autistic #complex post traumatic stress disorder #complex ptsd #c ptsd #ptsd #post traumatic stress disorder #recovering people pleaser #recovering fawn response #fawn response #actually traumatized #traumatized

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mx-bequiet · 2 months

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Age of Aquarius

I wanna run away

Don't wanna give a fuck

About what anybody say

You can't be serious

I got no MBA

But I don't give a fuck

You never liked me anyway

I'm gone, I'm dust, Aquarius

I'll be burning the bridge

I'll be burning it down

Why keep fighting for you?

You keep turning around

#carys #aquarius #recovering people pleaser #juniper #workin moms #Spotify

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lovethisfat37 · 5 months

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*through gritted teeth*

I am allowed to take up space in my relationships. I'm doing everyone, including myself, a disservice when I act like I have no needs.

Intimacy requires vulnerability. Get loved, idiot.

#tier rambles #recovering people pleaser

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bpdohwhatajoy · 3 months

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When you’ve been a people pleaser your whole life trying to be so kind to others and STILL get called mean or villainized it actually feels so empowering to own it. Yeah I’m a fucking nasty little cunt<333 yup I’m soooo mean🙈🙈🙈🙈whatever you say

#ryan.txt #recovering people pleaser #like oh my god #I still get called mean over the stupidest shit #I’m learning to not let it bother me as much #now when it comes to my abusive exes… LMAOOOO #like yassss I’ll be your villian🙈🙈🙈#the villains are sexier than the heroes anyways LMFAOOO #(they are not heroes they’re actually Satan but shhhh)#recovery journey #I used to spiral sooo bad when I got called mean #now it just annoys me at worst

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performing-personhood · 25 days

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Oh. Okay. So we're attacking me today. I see.

#anais nin #recovering codependent #recovering people pleaser #recovering from abuse #recovering from trauma #mental illness #just cptsd things #cptsd recovery #actually cptsd #living with cptsd

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ididoktoday · 1 year

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I bet you did the best you could today.

May you come to see that performance as the most any human could ever ask of you.

I bet you made the best choices you could with the information you have.

May you come to understand all the lessons the Universe has to teach you.

I bet you regulated your emotions with as much skill as you were taught by those who cared for you when you were young.

May you come to befriend your full spectrum of emotions and come to see them as helpful information that you engage with consciously and curiously.

I bet you cared for your body with as much love as you’ve been led to believe you deserve.

May you come to see yourself as deserving as much love as the whole Universe holds.

#prayer #call and response #litany #self care #self love #self advocacy #mental health #positive mental attitude #therapyworks #recovering people pleaser #recovery #spread kindness #kind notes to self #kindness #care for others #gratitude #meet your needs #spread love #personal growth

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xxenbypunkxx · 8 months

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there are some days where you have no choice but to stand your ground and do what’s best for you. it’s fucking terrifying, but worth it.

#recovering people pleaser #it’s scary but so worth it #and i know that sounds like a lie #but how would you know #you’ve never tried it

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violet-evers · 3 months

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Sometimes things are hard....

And we don't want to confront or tell people how they've hurt us.

But I think sometimes it has to be done.

And its comfortable

It's a heart pounding, mouth drying moment

When you utter the words aloud

Instead of keeping them inside, like we usually do....

Like I do

But in this moment.

After saying what I needed to without thinking of others, without contemplating every word and just getting it out

There's a sense of freedom in that

This is something I haven't done before

And I can tell y'all it's scary and awful

Especially when you speak to those who care for you

And whom you care for

But honesty is a treasure

It's hidden under layers of guilt and neglect sometimes

But like a diamond in the rough it's still there waiting for you to take hold

And be yourself

Be bold

To claim your voice

To claim the treasure you hold deeply inside only for those whom you decide to gift it to

Be wise

Be careful with you who you share it with

But when you do

When you release the feelings you've been holding back

With honesty and vulnerability in every fiber of your being

I gotta tell you

Its a great feeling

Good luck, you can do this ✨

-from someone who believes in you, and is trying to believe in themselves too ✨

#dear diary #diary #spilled thoughts #spilled words #relationship #honest #honesty #let it out #being honest is the kindest thing you can do #tell them how you feel #mental heath support #mental health #recovering people pleaser #we can do this #i can do this #i believe in you #and in myself too

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vizthedatum · 1 month

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I think I’m still masking more than I’d like, and I think I can feel how bad it is for me.

The more I unmask, the more I feel the pain and anxiety that comes from masking. I feel it all over my body.

I don’t want to match people’s energies anymore - it’s so tiring and unsustainable. It’s uncomfortable in the worst way. I think it’s internally ableist. It’s so hard to not do this - I can’t always get past the internal thoughts of “I’m too much for this world” and “oh no, I’m nothing” all at the same time.

Sigh.

#healing #unmasking #autism #audhd #autistic #I am burnt out #neurodivergence #trauma #masking #behavioral modification #recovering people pleaser

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