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shinobusupremecy · 5 months

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Shinobu SFW alphabet. 900+ followers special

A/N: This was originally a 500+ followers event where you could choose the letters but to celebrate 900+ followers I decided to write the rest of the alphabet for you guys, I hope you enjoy! I feel like I haven’t been thanking you all near enough as I should have been for supporting me so I hope this makes up for it! Some of the letters are already written in request which you can find in the masterlist but you can also find them here!

Will contain spoiler

Link to org alphabet: https://the-coldest-goodbye.tumblr.com/sfw-template

Art source

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Shinobu is somewhat affectionate, it really just depends on her mood. If she feels extra soft she will come to you and hug you.

Doesn’t matter if you are facing away from her or not you will get that hug.

She will give you some kisses mostly on the cheek or on the nose to see it scrunch up

She’s not so big on PDA so don’t excpect much from her there. She might give you a kiss on the cheek but other than that it’s mostly just hand holding. Although if there’s someone that tries to flirt with you then Shinobu will bring you in by the hip and give you a kiss, just to show that you belong to her.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Shinobu would obviously be that teasing friend. She loves to tease her friends so you’re not spared. Of course she knows when to stop her teasing or when it’s the right moment.

You and Shinobu would be kinda like two peas in a pod and almost never seperate. Shinobu is usually the one that spots you first and later just drags you with her.

If you’re an introvert see her as the extrovert that adopted you.

You cannot tell me otherwise but Shinobu is best wing woman.

She gives the best advices ever and will be there for you when you need to vent

Shinobu is also very smart as we all know but she wouldn’t let you copy off her homework, she would however help you with it.

Best girl to spill the tea with.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Shinobu likes to cuddle but she’s just so busy so she almost never has time to. When she does have time to cuddle then she will usually wanna be the big spoon.

She wants to feel like she can wrap her arms around you and protect you. When she’s in her more soft mood then she will be the small spoon.

She likes the feeling of your arms wrapping around her, she feels very safe and loved.

If you ask her to cuddle she might tease you a little, but it’s extremely lighthearted since she would never wanna make you afraid to ask her for cuddles

You two often cuddle when you two are going to bed, when Shinobu is done with her work, when she is tired or you or when you two have a day off.

She also likes it when you two lay face to face on your side and hug eachother, legs entangled with one another. She likes to see your face and give it some kisses.

Another cuddling position she likes that doesn’t happen as often as the other two is just when she can lay on your chest and you can draw patterns on her back or just wrap your arms around her.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

She wants to settle down with you, she really does. But she wants to avenge her sister, that has been her top priority for 4 years and you can’t back her down. If she does survive however then she will settle down.

Shinobu is very good at cooking and cleaning even if Aoi is usually the one that does both of those jobs.

Shinobu always make sure to time everything down when she cooks and meassure so that all of it is correct.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

She’d do it in private of course and in the evening. She will take you in her office or lab and will sit you down before she’s seated herself. Shinobu will have a serious look and her smile is gone. Shinobu won’t beat around the bush and will get straight to the point. If you begin to cry then she will let you cry on her shoulder. Shinobu will give you reasons on why it didn’t work and the only pro when you break up with her is that she won’t leave you with any questions. Every question you have she will answer truthfully.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Shinobu does wanna marry and settle down but she doesn’t have high hopes for it since the time they are in is demon infested. She would prioritize her duty as a hashira over getting married any day but that doesn’t mean she will say no to a romantic relationship.

Not only that but she also wants to avenge her sister and she will again, choose that over marriage.

Best outcome though is when she achieved both things and only then she can consider marrying and settling down.

If we’re gonna talk about modern au though she would want your romantic relationship to last years before marrying. She is not the one to mary after the first or third year but maybe fifth or even longer.

Alot can happen during those years and she doesn’t wanna be too hasty.

But on both accounts, she would wanna marry.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Shinobu is very gentle, so so gentle. Her touch is so soothing and her voice is so comforting. Shinobu mostly got her gentleness from her sister and later further learned to be gentle when she had to take care of the butterfly girls and her sister. Emotionally she is gentle with you, just not herself due to the constant state of anger she’s in. Shinobu teases alot too and those are not so gentle, but if you want her to stop she will. Besides all the teasing and the inner anger she feels, she’s very gentle.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

I can’t see her as the biggest lover of hugs but she is not oppossed to it and will gladly accept any hugs you give her, ok besides when she’s out in public and got that reputation to uphold or when she’s working. At least when she’s working she might give you an awkward hug back, it will be a little bit one sided but trust me, she’s trying her best.

Shinobu’s hugs often happens at the days she’s more free from work which is rare or when you two are alone in the office or when you two are going to bed together.

Basically you hug her in the day and she hugs you in the evening or/and night.

When she does hug you though let me tell you, it’s one of the best hugs you will ever receive in your life if not the best.

She knows how to hug you and make you feel safe. Her hugs are soft but sinscere and full of love. Shinobu’s scent makes the hug all the better.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It’s most likely that she will confess first but other than that she’s not so quick to say the L-word. Mostly because she really wants to think if she’s truly fallen in love or if it’s just a small crush. She doesn’t wanna make any impulsive descisions, not to mention you might not even like her back. If you’re not confessing first then you will have to wait for a good while.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

She gets jealous quite often but tries to ignore those feelings. To her, being jealous is immature so when she thinks she’s jealous she is in denial. But it’s clear when she’s jealous, the way she sometimes spy on you and the other person you’re talking to, when she comes forward and drags you away to help her with a task you know full well she’s capable of handling herself and how her voice becomes more passive agressive, depending on the person she’s talking to.

If it’s Giyu then let me tell you it gets a whole lot worse. Her teasing level is going sky high and she comes up with every teasing comment she can which is alot. When Shinobu isn’t talking she will only stare at Giyu until he becomes uncomfortable and leaves.

When you confront her about it she will deny it at first but the red blush will give her away. If you really don’t like how she acts she will apologize to you and maybe Giyu but no promises!

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Her kisses are soft and comforting. She has smooth lips scented lips so they smell nice. Everytime you get a kiss no matter where or how you will always be craving for more.

Shinobu loves to kiss you on the cheek, forehead and nose. Shinobu often kisses your cheek when you two are alone or when she’s in a very soft mood.

You usually get kissed on the forehead when you two are just lying in bed or when you need comfort. She will kiss your forehead all while telling you how beautiful you are, how thankful she is to have you here, how much you mean to her, she will list off 100 reasons and more why she loves you so dearly.

Kissing on the nose Shinobu does just to see your nose scrunch up in a adorable manner. She does it to tease you but also because she loves your reaction.

Shinobu loves getting kissed on the corner of her lips, it reminds her to smile. She also likes forehead kisses since she feels so loved when she gets kissed there. Kissing on the cheek is also another yes for her.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

She is great with children! She just got that vibe or friendly aura that makes little kids wanna interact with her. She is so sweet to them, giving them sweet smiles and maybe even candy. Shinobu is great both in the sense that the kids like her but they respect her alot too, she might give that kind aura vibe but also the one were even small kids knows she’s not the one to be messed with. If a kid does have the nerve to act bratty then one glare or angry smile will shut them up or send them crying.

Shinobu knows how to take care of kids in general, some of the patients she gets have kids whether they are older or very young.

But besides all that, yes, Shinobu is great with kids.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

In reality you and Shinobu don’t really wake up at the same time leading to each of you spending your mornings alone and sepretly. The main reason is her being a demon slayer and that she can get called in for a mission very early or you, if you are a demon slayer as well.

But on your day off or in the slim chance you two do get to spend the morning together it usually starts with her waking you up. She is gentle at first but if you don’t wake up soon she might feel a bit mischevious ;)

After you have woken up she’s basically at your hip. You two get dressed together, eat breakfast together and then follow through the rest of your routine together.

At breakfast you two usually talk about whatever comes to mind and after breakfast when you two make finishing touches like skin routine and what not both of you do it in peaceful enjoyable silence

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

The night routine spent with her is as peaceful as it can get

Shinobu has to do some things before going to bed like tucking Sumi, Naho and Kiyo to sleep and doing a checkup that every patient is in bed or doing well before she can go to sleep herself.

Usually you join her when she does these checkups and if you don’t she doesn’t mind and you can just be in her room waiting for her

When she is done with her checkup and can make herself ready for the night you two go to the bathroom to brush your teeth and whatever else you need to do like skin routine.

You two again chat about how the day has been and what you have been doing while Shinobu was gone and vice versa.

The one always wait for the other and when both of you are done you two are joined by the hip to bed!

There Shinobu can sometimes induldge in some late night conversations but if she isn’t in the mood for it or a busy day is waiting then she will go to sleep and force you to do that as well

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?

Small things like different facts about herself is something she has no problems talking about. You just need to ask and sometimes she just lorebombs it but things like her own insecurity and past is a whole nother thing.

Shinobu doesn’t really like the idea of opening up to people, she hates being vulnrable and feeling weak. Plus she is well aware that some people she just can’t open up to

At the start of your relationship she doesn’t really open up much about herself leading to you maybe hearing one or two from others like how she previously had a older sister.

As the relationship goes on she would feel more comfortable sharing things with you and opening up but she wouldn’t just say everything all at once.

She usually reveals one thing slowly as time went on but only when it fits the occassion and when she feels comfortable enough to.

Before she does she always checks with you if you are fine to hear about it. If you are struggling too then she wouldn’t wanna talk about her problems when you are the one needing help.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

It really just depends on her how her day has gone up until that point

Shinobu is really patient but everyone has their limits right?

Proof of her patience is that she can keep up with Inosuke’s shenanigans and Zenitsu’s loud mouth

However like said, everyone has their limits. If something happens like a broken vase or annoying slayer she doesn’t really show her irritation leading to it building up instead and her patience growing thinner by whatever irritating thing that might happen next

At the end of the day some very minor things can just push her over the edge leading to her finally snapping

Of course she always apologizes afterwards

In summary her patience is like something you need to chip at before it finally breaks

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Shinobu rememberes what she deems as important. What’s your favorite food, what do you like to do, your boundries, do you have any allergy? Stuff like that. But of course Shinobu will remeber the more fun part like what’s your favorite color and animal.

For medical purposes she knows alot about your body, plus what blood type you have. Are you on any medication? Do you have any pills you take? Very very important stuff, she knows too.

Shinobu will make a serious mental note when she sees you wanting something, it could be some clothing, a earring or a necklace, doesn’t matter Shinobu will make sure to remember it and gift it you when the time comes.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

If you asked her this question she probably would say ”every moment” or that she has so many that she possibly can’t choose.

I don’t really think she ever has a favorite favorite moment that beats every other but just many that share the number 1 place.

The day that either of you confessed is defenitely up there. Romantic dates, funny moments you two had, missions you two have together are defenitely up there.

But she also likes the more quiet and even sad moments. Even if she doesn’t like when you two argue it does help you both gain more understanding eachother in the end and helps you two improve and grow.

That is how she feels deep inside, but she would still give you that answer ”Every moment is our favorite moment”.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Shinobu is very protective and she has her own reasons, she has lost so many and she can’t bear to loose you too

She would be protective no matter if you are a demon slayer or a citizen.

It doesn't really matter if you're a demon slayer or a citizen, she'll be protective of you anyways

Since you're a demon slayer maybe you can get hurt by demons and if you're a citizen..you can still get hurt by demons. Guess there's no escaping getting hurt by demons.

Usually when you go out at night Shinobu will accompany you no matter what. It's like Shinobu has a sitxth sense or something. When she has a feeling you'll go out at night for whatever reason it's like she just drops everything and bolts to you.

Of course demons are not the only threat, people are too.

If you ever stumble to a suspicious person Shinobu becomes very wary and if that person is starting to bother you then Shinobu will take action.

It usually starts with warning the person to back off and leave you two alone but if the situation escalates then Shinobu will pin the person down or something along the lines of that.

But when she protects you from a demon? She is way more brutal.

She will use one of her most deadliest and painful poison on the demon making sure it suffers greatly for even thinking about hurting you. Doesn't matter if you're a demon slayer or cotizen as said, that demon will feel PAIN.

Shinobu likes to be protected when she knows she couldn't have handle it herself. Let's say a very quick demon snuck up on her and was about to stab her, she would really appreciate it if you came in and protected her. It would save her alot of trouble and death.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Shinobu would put in so so much effort, even for the little things.

I am not kidding when she puts her heart and soul into these dates, anniversaries and gifts.

The dates are always peaceful and so romantic. She somehow chooses the places that are unique and not cringe. Even if it’s a cringe scene she still makes it good.

Anniversaries is when she really puts her heart and soul into it. She tries to make it the best for you.

The gifts are always spot on and you don’t even know how. Sometimes you don’t even tell her and she still gets the gift right. If it’s a ring then she will get the exact gold or silver, ring size and even manages with the ore.

I can honestly say that acts of service is one of her love languages so excpect her to do it alot. Sometimes she doesn’t know what to say with words so she shows her love to you with her actions.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

She has the habit of suddenly snapping towards you. Even if you’ve been with her for a long time you still struggle to tell her emotions sometimes. Her smiling face all day can get you mixed signals. If she’s really mad you can see some vein popping but that is not so common.

Sometimes you fail to notice her being in a angry mood and her wanting to be left alone and you unintentioally bugging her can lead her to snap and yell at you. She regrets it immdietly of course and tries her best to apologize.

Shinobu usally snaps when she’s really stressed or just when she has had a hard day. Giving her some tea, doing some of her work or just giving her some space will be appreciated later on.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Shinobu is mostly concerned about her looks due to the reputation she has to uphold.

That explains why it takes quite a long time until Shinobu is ready for the day. Her hair is silky smooth even if she hasn’t showered for a few days.

Please don’t run your finger through her hair in public, she worked hard to fix her hair!

After the day is over though and the night settles in Shinobu will be less concerned over her looks. At that time it’s only your eyes that stare at her and she knows you think she’s beautiful no matter what.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Shinobu would feel incompleate, very much so. You’re that person that went into her heart and went through years of fixing the damages. You filled her heart and bandadged it with great care and for that she feels grateful.

You’re the one she can ground herself to if she ever needs it.

Plus on the battlefieled if you’re a demon slayer no matter your rank you two are a power couple on the field. Your breathing styles compliment each other and Shinobu has to admit with your help taking out the demons is a breeze.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

To be honest I can see her as someone that would love physical affection from you but won’t really admit it

She hasn’t gotten physical affection from someone she loves with her whole heart and soul

Shinobu needs it once in a while especially on her hard days.

When she feels soft and on a happy mood she will iniate a cuddling session with you, she wants to be the little spoon because she likes being held. Sometimes though she will be big spoon because she likes the feeling of protecting you, it really just depends, it varies alot

Shinobu is not so fond of PDA so if you want to give her physical affection, do it when you two are compleately alone

Shinobu might tease you when you hug or cling onto her but she knows not to ruin the moment

It doesn’t take much to try and tell her what you want, she can read you like an open book

Ok this one might be too common of a headcannon or you’ve probably seen it many times before

But I have a feeling she loves singing. Like just quietly sing to herself, the song usually has a more sentimental meaning behind it since it’s the songs that her sister would sing to her but other than that she loves to sing

Don’t get your hopes up though, it’s not likely she’ll be willing to sing in front of you. Mostly because it’s embarrassing for her. Don’t try to eavesdrop on her either, she’ll know.

But she will sing for you if you’re having a rough day or when she just feels softer y’know?

She’ll most likely sing for the triplets. So if you’re lucky, you’ll find her singing a song to the triplets, Shinobu knows you’re there and will send you a wink or a wave.

Ok I know what I said earlier that it’s not likely for her to sing in front of you but that’s like in the early months of your relationship. As the time passes by I can see her being more confident in singing in front of you.

Another headcannon (I know you’re supposed to pick one but I have passed that limit)

Shinobu LOVES late night conversation

It’s when everyone’s asleep and she doesn’t have to work anymore which means she can talk to you about whatever she wants

Shinobu also feels a little but more like herself since she can talk about the subjects she loves! Of course she will let you talk about subjects you like too. But for her, it can get tiring talking about medical stuff all the times so it’s nice when she can talk about insects (I hc she loves insects too) or different flowers and their meanings.

But late night conversation can turn deep or it turns into her venting to you, of course with your consent.

Shinobu just knows she can talk about deep personal stuff with you because you won’t judge her or anything like that

It’s also the times when she can talk about her sister and the memories she has of her.

Usually it ends with you two cuddling and Shinobu crying.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Shinobu would want a sympethetic person, a kind one and respectful. Shinobu is not big on PDA so when she tells you that, she wants you to respect it. If you still kiss her on the cheek in public or even on the mouth when others are looking you’re gonna start to tread on thin ice. Shinobu holds high respect for her lover but she excpects you to do the same. Her Hashira status still applies to you so please speak respectfully.

Shinobu wants someone that puts in effort to the relationship. Shinobu does not like when she’s the only one that is initiates in dates, gifts or basic affection. If she’s preparing dates or comforting you with soothing words then she wants you to do the same. Shinobu will have her low days and she needs you to comfort her, if you just outright refuses to do so then that is when Shinobu knows you’re not the one. Shinobu sees any relationship as a two-way road and that both parts have to put in a effort to the relationship.

If a argument happens then she wants it sorted out. She will not pretend that nothing happened and she hopes you feel the same. Shinobu strongly believes that communication is the key of any relationship so if any argument happens she wanna talk it out. Sweeping it under the rug won’t make it better so please just talk to her.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Shinobu is the type to in her sleep cuddle up to you in the night and when you point it out to her in the morning she will deny it. Even if the covers are over her body it’s like she feels incompleate without your warmth so she will begin to move towards you and cuddle to your warm body.

If you come home late at night then you can see her hugging your pillow and sometimes even laying on your side of the bed.

#🦋eli writes #kny #kny x reader #kny x you #kny x y/n #demon slayer #demon slayer x reader #demon slayer x you #demon slayer x y/n #shinobu #shinobu kocho #demon slayer shinobu #shinobu x reader #shinobu x you #shinobu x y/n #900 followers #special

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bluegekk0 · 5 months

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Have you ever considered turning this AU into full-blown OCs? The fandom seems to really upset you man Idk, you've got so much original stuff going that I feel you could make the transition very smoothly. It would separate itself from canon HK clearly as well so there wouldn't be any room for people in the tags getting the two mixed up as much as they do.

i did think about that a few times, but each time i just realized that i don't really want to do that. of course i can never say for certain that it'll never happen, interests change over time after all. but i do really love them the way they are. their designs and their backstories are so connected to their in-game counterparts (even if there are some deviations) that if i tried changing it i feel like they wouldn't be the same characters anymore. especially seeing how i always struggle with coming up with fully original backstories. having the game as the backbone is the main reason why i was able to develop the au like this in the first place. without that, i'd feel a bit lost, and i wouldn't want that to affect how much i think about them

plus i'm really happy with their current designs. they've come a long way since the au started, and i'm finally at a point where i'm satisfied with them. i don't think i'd be able to achieve the same result if i attempted to change them just to differentiate them from the hk versions

and yeah i do complain about the fandom, probably a bit too much, but it really doesn't bother me that greatly. i've just had a really rough couple of days and i get upset at the tiniest things. this was just one of them. sure, people misrepresenting pk is annoying, but it doesn't actually happen very often to fpk, not anymore at least. it's either because i'm lucky, or because a lot of hk people have moved on to different things, or perhaps the au has been around for long enough that people recognize it as more of a separate thing. or at least i hope that's part of the reason

i also can't get that mad cause it's not like fpk is a completely different character. he has done the things people bring up all the time, sure it's not painted in the evil way like a lot of people interpret it as, but his past mistakes are a crucial part of his character. it gets a little annoying sometimes when people make the same unfunny jokes, sure, but it's really nothing that serious. the most recent thing just really set me off because it was directly under a vent piece that i drew to make myself feel better. and even then i feel like i overreacted, it's not like it was obvious that it was meant to be vent art. so i feel like that one might be on me

i'm comfortable in the spot the au is in currently. sure, there are minor annoyances from time to time, but it's really not as bad to the point where i'd consider taking more drastic action. again, i'm just in a bit of a rough spot emotionally, but i imagine it will eventually get better

i do appreciate the suggestion and the concern, though. thank you

#ask stuff

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oftlunarialmoon · 1 month

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Top 5 Productive and Creative Things to Do When You are Bored– ROYALs Lessons!

Originally posted to www.onlyfunthings.org on January 09, 2019

Ciao Royals! Welcome back to ROYALs lessons! We’re kicking off the year with something useful and fun: a NEW Top 5 list of Productive and Creative things to do with your free time!

Do you ever find yourself bored with too much free time and want something to do, but don’t feel like laying around watching Netflix? Have you run out of YouTube videos to watch? Maybe you’ve grown tired of scrolling through social media? No problem! Today I have 5 ideas to get you started doing something super fun and creative!

1. My first and biggest suggestion is to DIY something! However that alone is not very creative, so I want to challenge you: DIY something completely new and creative out of something old that you have. Instead of using craft supplies to make something from scratch, make something out of old clothes, toys, trinkets, and other things! And instead of following a tutorial, try to make your own idea or figure out how to create something on your own! A few examples of things you can try:

- Gather up all your old clothes that you absolutely don’t wear anymore. Try to create an entire new outfit out of your old clothes, meaning transform your clothes into something brand new!

- Look critically at old packaging, cardboard boxes and other would-be “trash” or “recyclables”. What could you make out of that? If you’re having difficulty coming up with ideas, search for “Upcycled Crafts” on Pinterest, you can usually find a lot of ideas this way.

- Look at your makeup collection! Chances are you might have some makeup you don’t often wear, why not try recreating it into new makeup by mixing pigments, turning lipstick into lip-gloss and other ideas?

2. Why not start a blog or other type of website? People blog for all sorts of reasons, whether you want to start a blog because you want to spread a message or just entertain, blogging can be a very fun pastime! You can blog to raise awareness for an issue that matters to you, to inform people on a topic that you’re knowledgeable on, to entertain people with creative writing, poetry, or photography, to promote a business, even just to express yourself!

3. Volunteer your time locally. Whether you live on a college campus (where there are always community service opportunities!), or whether you live in a big city or small town, your help could always be needed. Volunteer at your local food bank, animal shelter, homeless shelter, or even by tutoring people in your school. There’s always a way to volunteer!

4. Clean and organize your room. You can even go an extra mile and organize all your clothing. Donate what you don’t use or need or wear anymore. Clean out from under your bed, in your closet, under your dresser, and your floor. Vacuum or sweep. Dust and wipe down all surfaces. Maybe even wash your bedding.

5. Start a journal! You could journal about your day to day life, you could bullet journal and track your habits, you could do short fiction writing, you could write poetry, you could write down articles and blog post ideas, you could make a vent journal, you could make an age regression journal! Journaling really has endless possibilities. You could even art journal! Or scrapbook.

As you can see, there’s plenty to do when you’re bored that’s not only productive and creative, but also fun!

Remember to Stay Awesome and Love Yourself!

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nerves-nebula · 4 months

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Are you ever you ever insecure about your art? And could you explain you answer to that?

Venting to you now

Drawing has taken a lot of effort for me, more than usual recently. I started working on something I originally felt really passionate about. It's more common for me to very quickly give up or get bored so I was really excited to be able to post some artwork. But I ended up not liking the result and I'm not sure if I'm willing to try something else. I've given up on trying in a lot of parts of life to try and save energy to do something I thought I was passionate about (art) but I am still lacking the motivation. The reason I reason I really wanted to share it was because I'm terrible with self-motivation. If I can't make at least one person genuinely go 'oh, neat' even for just a second and even if they soon forgot later, I'd feel like I'd have a reason to keep living (to keep making art). If the only people who'd see it end up disappointed I'd want to disappear.

It's not what art should be. I know it's value is like a person's. It's worth more than how someone reacts to it, right? But I can't apply that rule to myself. I should seek support from the people who 'know' and actually care about me, but I don't want their appreciation. I want some imagery status of a 'good artist' because that's what seems to give me dopamine.

I also wanted to mention how much I admire how open you are with your struggles. I want to be the same but I'm scared of people thinking less of me. I know that's dumb but I don't know what I'm good for if I can't make people happy. If I'm not going to be content with myself I want to not be a nuisance at least. I like to think that if I stopped caring about my impression on people, I'd be better off. But I'm scared that I'd have to learn to like myself. I don't like myself and I have no interest in liking myself. I don't see the point.

oh boy, this is gonna be a long one. also, don't take anything i say too seriously, i don't know your situation and I'm barely an adult. anyway, response under the cut

soo lately I'm less insecure about my art and more frustrated when things don't come out well. but i still post that shit !!! I'm still insecure if i'm doing, say, a project for homework, and i don't think i did as well as I could have, but in my personal artistic endeavors it's more about getting it done than it being perfect (for example, my webcomic! my motto is any comic made is better than no comic made and if people don't like that then it wasn't for them in the first place)

the thing about me is that drawing and art and stories is all i've ever had. it's my main form of interacting with the world. these days i make art the same way I live, which is to say in spite of wanting to kill myself. I would LIKE if my art was perfect, and i would LIKE to not be in pain. but i AM in pain and i have to live anyway, and my art ISN'T perfect but i'll make it anyway.

and i like when other people's art isn't perfect either, when it isnt super polished. I think that definitely helped. seeing artists whose work i fell head over heels for when it's never been more than sketches and a bit of shading. it really cemented in my mind that it isn't art being technically perfect that makes it worth while.

i've gotten a lot of people saying kind things to me, saying how much they enjoy my art and my blog in general. and though it doesn't always help, it sometimes inspires me to imagine the number of people who appreciate my stuff who might never mention it to me. I myself am used to lurking and not interacting very much (a habit I'm trying to change since I know artists & creators love feedback most of the time) i know it sucks to not know if anyone gives a shit for sure, but you really can't make that your only reason for doing art, cuz half the time you prolly wont even know if your art deeply affects people or not. it's fine to want that attention but you gotta have something else goin on too, at least I do.

i also know the fear of worrying that you'll lock yourself into something you don't want to do, or something you'll lose passion for. for me, I generally rotate a cast of characters & interests around for years a time before making significant progress. There were spans of times where I'd go years without thinking about loose stitches, but none of that time developing other stories & characters was wasted. it gave loose stitches enough time to properly cook, and the story is still developing under my hands as i draw it, influenced by my other stories and other characters.

it's ok to abandon something and pick it up again years later, or to never pick it up again at all. it's ok to hate the way something turns out but to keep making it anyway because you have to move forward (at least, I do)

moving forward despite not liking the original product is the only way to progress, I think. I don't super like a lot of the first pages of loose stitches but I'm still grateful that past-me posted them because that means present me is at page 76 !!

If I can't make at least one person genuinely go 'oh, neat' even for just a second and even if they soon forgot later, I'd feel like I'd have a reason to keep living (to keep making art). If the only people who'd see it end up disappointed I'd want to disappear.

the problem with this mindset (in my opinion) is that some people aren't going to like your art and that's got nothing to do with the art itself. if you want to find people who go "oh, neat" then you have to keep posting until they see it. trust me, they're out there. like, i don't post for people who can't stand the idea of child abuse, i post to FIND people who want to interact with stories about child abuse the same way i do.

it would be insane to stop trying to find those people because someone else was disappointed or upset by my art. which isn't to say you gotta lock yourself into doing one thing, but that you gotta post what you care about, and people who also care will find it. posting fandom stuff with the same themes as your original art certainly doesn't hurt either, if you REALLY want to find those people faster.

art should be literally whatever. it's worth is literally whatever you want, it can be a big deal or not. i'm not sure what part of being a "good artist" gives your brain the Good Feelings juice but I'd investigate that feeling more and try to figure out the roots of it, cuz then you might actually be able to figure out what it is that motivates you. approval is nice, yes, but i like approval for things i enjoyed making even more.

i always find it amusing when people refer to my "struggles" if only because I don't really consider them that way. to me it's just like, a thing that happened that sucks. i don't consider myself "struggling" with it, even though I guess that's what's happening. also, let's be real here, it's not like I'm using my real name. this is an anonymous tumblr blog. though, my openess on here has actually lead to me making more art about it IRL so. eh.

anyway, lucky for you, you can stop caring about what other people think without necessarily liking yourself! for me, it's about spite (sort of). I don't like myself much more than I used to, I just decided I hated everyone else more haha. I still care what people think about me, and I'm still scared of what people might do to me, but I'm also not bending over backwards to please people i dislike. I just get annoyed at them instead.

i did this basically just by repeating it until it became true, lol. there's only so many times you can petulantly say "well fuck those guys anyway they suck" before it becomes your true first reaction.

at some point, i decided i needed to pick and choose who i wanted to please, because it can't be everyone. that's just literally not possible. so i looked at the kinds of people i liked and appreciated, and basically disregarded everyone else. it's the whole "don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from" thing (not sure where that comes from)

obviously you should probably try to internalize the idea that you even HAVE to be "good for something" but that's way easier said than done. i find it more useful to devote yourself to finding a few things (causes, people, philosophies, niche interests) instead of just general usefulness. because then you can form stronger relationships, be useful, AND not burn yourself out trying to please everyone.

take all this advice with a grain of salt though, I definitely need therapy and this Bitter Angry Defensive persona will probably need to be deconstructed soon... idk. i think it's outlived its usefulness to me but i'm not sure what to do next hahah.

sorry if none of this was helpful or the point. im not even sure why i wrote this much, i kind of just ramble sometimes. i hope you figure it out!

#nnstuff #ask #asks are sweethearts

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m00ngbin · 12 days

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hey......... itd be a real shame if you started ranting about the demolition lovers and the stories and lore behind the mcr albums.........................

OH MY GOD YES IT WOULD BE. SUCH A SHAME.

Ok so everyone already knows that mcr like originally started in September of 2001 because Gerard Way and his brother Mikey Way were living in New Jersey when the twin towers fell and Gerard saw it happen because allegedly he was meeting with Cartoon Network executives about a cartoon idea he had and he was like "this was super traumatizing I'm going to start a band where I can vent everything out through songs." (Great idea)

So he starts the band with his brother, (bass), Ray Toro, (main guitarist and backup vocalist), and Matt Pelisser, (drummer), (mainly Matt Pelisser), and in 2002 they release their first album, (MY FAVORITE), I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love. (Eventually Frank Iero, (backup vocalist and rhythm guitarist), joins the band but he wasn't there when they formed. He WAS featured on two songs in Bullets though, Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For Both Of Us and Early Sunsets Over Monroeville).

The first song they ever wrote, Skylines and Turnstiles, is about Gerard's feelings about 9/11. It's technically the seventh track on the album but yk. STILL THE FIRST.

Most of Bullets is ab the band members' lives growing up and their experiences watching 9/11 but it's also where they start coming up with the storyline for the Demolition Lovers. ANRJSHEKRJ I LOVE THE DEMOLITION LOVERS

Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge/Demolition Lovers

Ok so the Demolition Lovers storyline is a little confusing and mostly up for interpretation. MY interpretation is that in the song Demolition Lovers, (from the Bullets album), the Lovers are running away from unknown people in the middle of a desert, where they're both shot.

The Demolition Man dies and goes to hell, while the Demolition woman ends up in a coma. (I THINK SHES IN A COMA BC OF THE DRAWING IN THE LINER ART FOR REVENGE WHERE SHES IN THE HOSPITAL).

Then the Revenge album picks up where Bullets left off and we learn that the Demolition Man is told by the devil that if he goes back to earth and kills 1000 evil men he'll be allowed to see the Demolition Woman again.

Of course the Demolition Man is so desperate to see the Demolition Woman again that he says yes, so he goes back to Earth and Give 'Em Hell, Kid starts the story.

He starts in New Orleans and takes a train to an unspecified other place to begin the task. He's really remorseful about it, but he gets super drugged up to stay awake while he finds these 1000 evil men. Atp the Demolition Woman starts feeling kind of abandoned bc I guess she never realized that he had died and she has no clue what he's doing.

The next song, I'm Not Okay, is supposed to touch on how the Demolition Lovers' relationship was kind of toxic and ALLEGEDLY this was originally supposed to be the last song on the album, where it ends with the Demo Man's suicide. Obviously we knew that the Demo Lovers didn't have the most stable relationship but this song was supposed to highlight how bad it was

In the song Ghost Of You, the Demo Man starts reflecting on his actions and how much he misses the Demo Woman. At this point he's worrying that either he won't be able to kill enough people or he'll just never be able to see her again.

Jetset starts with the Demo Man finally getting out of jail and finding a new partner for his killing spree. She wants the relationship to be more, but the Demo Man is still hung up on the Demo Woman. (Obviously, if he wasn't he wouldn't be doing all of this.) Both the Demo Man and the partner are addicted to drugs at this point, the Demo Man mainly so that he can stay awake and cope with what he's doing.

In Hang 'Em High he starts doubting that he can go through with killing all of these people and starts thinking that if he fails, the Demo Woman should go on without him. In Fashion Statement/Deathwish, he regains his confidence and gets much closer to his goal. He realizes though, that even if he does succeed death will eventually bring the Lovers apart again.

In between Fashion Statement/Deathwish and Cemetery Drive the Demolition Woman gets out of the hospital and kills herself. (Helena doesn't technically fit with most of the story but I like to think that it's the Demo Man going to her funeral).

In Cemetery Drive the Demolition Man visits her grave and finally gets to 999 evil men. It's at this point that he realizes that he's been tricked by the devil. He'd killed 999 evil men, but since the devil made him a murderer, he was the 1000th.

In For A Living the Demo Man accepts that he'll never be able to see the Demo Woman again and kills himself. He finally reaches 1000 evil souls and so he actually IS able to reunite with the Demolition Woman in hell.

ARKAHSGFJS. I LOVE THE DEMOLITION LOVERS STORY SO MUCH YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I LOSE MY MIND THINKING ABOUT THEM EVERY DAY. Also like. Disclaimer you don't want a relation like the Demolition Lovers had. I didn't get super into it but their shit was FUCKED UP. Every time I see someone say that they wish they and their bf are just like the demo lovers I have a "hm." moment bc like. Did you even listen to ANY of the songs mentioning them?? Did you read ab their lore?? Do you know ANYTHING about them???

I'm not a gatekeeper or anything I swear I just don't think people should be saying that they want a relationship just like that

OH I TOTALLY FORGOT, during the Bullets tour era Gerard had a faux leather jacket that he wore so often and didn't wash that it literally disintegrated because of his sweat. I think most people know that but what they don't know is that there were TWO leather jackets that he disintegrated. One of them completely fell apart and the other one just lost one of the arms

THE BLACK PARADE

Ok listen I love the back parade but I'm not going to say AS much about it bc I spent most of my time hyperfixated on the Demo Lovers story and Danger Days so I don't know everything. (REMEMBER EVERYTHING I SAY IS AN INTERPRETATION DONT YELL AT ME IF YOU THINK SOMETHING ELSE)

Ok so the album starts with The End, where we learn about The Patient. He's dying and he probably won't be missed, and we get a reflection of his life and his fear of dying.

In Dead!, we learn about The Patient's diagnosis and prognosis. He has cancer and he doesn't have very long to live, maybe two weeks at the MOST. The first verse of the song, ("Did you get what you deserve? The ending of your life," (not said by him)), suggests that maybe The Patient is kind of a piece of shit and he deserves to die. The Patient is deep in denial atp, he's refusing to acknowledge that he's dying but he also wants it to be over.

This Is How I Disappear has The Patient reach out to a past lover, letting them know that they'll be the only one to remember him, and he begs them to keep his memory alive. It's mentioned again that this guy has done horrible things, but we still don't know what yet.

In The Sharpest Lives, we see The Patient start trying to distract himself from his imminent death by partying and drinking. He wrecks what's left of his life and it ends up dragging other people down with him.

After this song, he sobers up and goes to the hospital, where the rest of the album takes place

WTTBP is where he starts reflecting on his life again and accepts that his life is about to be over. Death comes, but in the form of his favorite memory: a parade The Patient's dad had taken him to when he was younger. The Patient's dad had told him that he wanted him to grow up to be a good person, (whoops), and that he can't be by The Patient's side forever.

I Don't Love You has The Patient desperately trying to break off his relationship with his current partner. He knows that his death will be painful for both of them and he doesn't want his partner to have to watch him rot away. (He's being selfless?? Shocker)

In House Of Wolves we get a description of how he sees hell, where he knows he'll end up. Despite everything he doesn't want to burn for eternity. He knows he's a bad person, but he spends the song INSISTING that a lot of people aren't better than him. (Dude🧍)

In Cancer, now that his treatment has started, he feels ashamed of how the chemo is making him look. His hair is falling out, his lips are chapped and faded, he's pale and gaunt, etc etc. He looks like shit pretty much. He already feels dead. He starts thinking selflessly again, trying to say goodbye to his loved ones in a short heartfelt way so that it doesn't have to be long and drawn out and painful. He doesn't want to leave them behind but yk. Life's not fair and he knows it.

Mama FINALLY gives us what he did, and guess what it is. War crimes. He was involved in a war where he committed terrible acts. Things so bad that even his own mother rejects and disowns him. At the point he's at in Mama, he decides to write her a letter where he admits that he's a terrible man and a terrible son, and since he's dying he would like it if they could reconcile and talk.

In Sleep The Patient says that he doesn't regret what he's done, but he wants to leave it all behind and end his life on a high note.

Teenagers is a song that doesn't really fit with the rest of the album, and I'm pretty sure Gerard Way says that it's not the most relevant to the story. There's a couple lines about how The Patient was an outcast in highschool, but most of the song is ab the system trying to control kids and get them to conform.

In Disenchanted, his life starts flashing before his eyes and he reviews it like a movie. He gets really disappointed about his life and how it's ending. He talks about how he could have changed things and that honestly his life was pretty worthless bc he just waited for death.

In Famous Last Words, The Patient is supposedly talking to a loved one, but he's not sure if he's dreaming it bc he doesn't know if he's dead or alive atp. Either way he has accepted that he's dead or about to be and he's at peace with it. (Or as at peace with dying of cancer as you can be)

NOW HERES WHERE IT GETS SUPER INTERESTING. THERES A SPLIT ENDING. Blood is the one that Gerard Way considers the ACTUAL ending, but they also wrote Heaven Help Us as an alternative ending that's technically just as correct as Blood

In Blood, The Patient chooses to stay alive, even though he knows that there's no way he's going to get better. The doctors and nurses that are taking care of him pity him and are only keeping him around for the money.

In Heaven Help Us, he DOES end up dying. Atp he's waiting in purgatory for the verdict on whether he's going to heaven or hell (it's going to be hell)

YAYY BLACK PARADE DONE

Danger Days

AKDOFHADORN OK SO THE STORY LINE FOR DANGER DAYS IS KIND OF CONFUSING BC THERES THREE: THE ONE FOR THE ALBUM, THE ONE FOR THE MUSIC VIDEOS, AND THE ONE FOR THE COMICS

DID YOU KNOW THAT GERARD WAY IS A COMIC BOOK ARTIST AND AUTHOR TOO?? HE WROTE A COMIC BOOK FOR DANGER DAYS AND HE MADE UMBRELLA ACADEMY AND PENI PARKER IN THE SPIDERVERSE MOVIES

So in the album, the first half basically talks about fighting in the desert and recalling the events of the Helium wars (The Only Hope For Me is You). Pretty upbeat.

Then in the middle of the album (Traffic Report) Jet Star and Kobra Kid are apparently killed, leaving Party Poison and Fun Ghoul alive?

The second half of the album deals with more serious themes of sacrifice, the "message", desperation, and, (obviously), sticking it to the man. Vampire Money is the only track set in the "real world," which gets proven by the use of their real names in the opening.

The EP, The Mad Gear and Missle Kid, contains three songs by this fictional band that the Killjoys would have listened to while driving around. The three songs on it are: 1. sex with porno-droids, 2. hooking up with older men in punk clubs, and 3. makes a reference to drinking juice while killing, which is what Val Velocity says in the comic. She might have been copying Party Poison but idk.

In the music videos, (Na Na Na and Sing), the Fabulous Killjoys run around the desert with The Girl, killing dracs. Korse eventually catches up to them and there is a shootout where the Killjoys get stunned and The Girl gets kidnapped.

Then the Killjoys go on a suicide mission into Battery City to try and get her back. They find The Girl who has been held by The Director and fight to escape. During the fight, Party Poison realizes that there are actually people under the drac masks, (one is implied to be Cherri Cola, who was played by Jimmy Urine (ew)), and he freaks the fuck out.

Korse kills him first, and the other three are also killed while trying to escape. The Girl is rescued, (by DJ Hot Chimp? I think?), and goes back out to the desert.

The Killjoys are wrapped up in body bags, but there was supposed to be another music video after Sing (which was cut due to budget issues), and Gerard mentioned in an interview once that he thought the Killjoys never really die because they would sort of spontaneously regenerate like in a video game or something.

There are three parts to the comics. The first is about The Girl, and reveals that the reason the Killjoys protected her was that they believed she was like a messiah. The Killjoys are all long dead by now. This group of teenagers, the Ultra V's, has decided to model themselves after the Killjoys, and the story talks about The Girl's interactions with them and coming to terms with her destiny. It's a coming of age type thing.

The second part talks about two android prostitutes from Battery City, and how they escape.

The third part has Korse as the main character, and reveals that he is gay and he has to hide this from Battery City officials. It's mainly ab him trying to get freedom and escape as well.

The Foundations Of Decay

NEWEST MCR SONG OMFG. It came out in 2022 following MCR's 6-7 year hiatus and URGAHDHFJS ITS SO GOOD. From just the lyrics

"He was there the day the towers fell

And so he wandered down the road

And we would all build towers of our own

Only to watch the roots corrode"

I think at least that part is about Gerard and a callback to why he started the band in the first place.

The whole song is kind of about the band and their history and everything and URGAJHDHFISSH I love this song so much you don't understand. It's very reminiscent of the Bullets era but it's a lot more mature I think.

NOW FOR MY FAVORITE SONG EVER OF ALL TIME: OUR LADY OF SORROWS

Our Lady Of Sorrows is on the Bullets album and it's the best song from any era imo. It's about how far someone will go for their friends and it's a really aggressive way of basically saying that you would die for someone and that you would stand with them against anything.

The song was originally a demo called Bring Me More Knives, and it only had Gerard, Ray, and Matt playing on it. Allegedly Mikey loved the song so much that he managed to teach himself to play the bass decently enough in four days just to join the band and play it.

Some of the demos from (mainly) the Bullets era were called the Attic Demos because they were recorded in the Matt's attic

Matt got kicked out of MCR in 2004, (just after the Revenge album came out), because apparently he was caught stealing. He was replaced by Bob Bryar, and currently Jarrod Alexander is the drummer for MCR

Oh I feel like I should mention that nothing was glamorous ab any of the tours or the band members while they were touring before the hiatus. These were like traumatized 20 something year olds touring the country and doing drugs and becoming alcoholics and it pisses me off so badly when people try to make that era seem so great. There was an entire chunk of the Life On The Murder Scene documentary about Gerard Way struggling with alcoholism and how his hygiene was so bad bc he couldn't take care of himself. That's part of what that jacket disintegrated. Ofc it was also bc touring is disgusting and you don't get a lot of chances to shower and stuff but nothing ab any of that is glamorous

Oh but they're all a lot better now I think. Obviously I don't KNOW bc idk any of the band members but from what I've seen they all at least look better

#AKDLJFOAKF I COUKD AND WOULD ADD SO MUCH MORE BUT THIS IS SO LONG ALREADY #can you tell i like mcr #can you tell i was hyperfixated on it for three years #mcr #this is just a rant full of stuff that im sure a lot of people know already but yk #i fucking love my chemical romance #this is so cringe #idc

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moss-stars · 4 months

Text

paranormal terrors

a short story assignment i did for school !

i also made poster art for this, you can see it here

July 12th, 2016. That was the day it all began. I remember seeing what I thought I saw a shadow figure, standing at the door to my room.. staring at me. I blinked and it was gone, I thought that I was perhaps hallucinating... but I wasn’t. Days, weeks, months, and now years. I’ve been experiencing paranormal stuff in my apartment, 3B, for about 3 years. No one believes me, except my best friend Enver. She lives next door to me, 3C, and I’m pretty sure she has had paranormal stuff happen in there too... but nowhere close to how bad I have it. But enough about the past, today is September 3rd, 2019, my birthday! I’m now 16... but I’m starting to feel weird about my body, like I don’t fit in it at all... my father has always called me his daughter. Though, I found out I feel more like a boy. Good thing I don’t live with my parents, they would flip out if I told them that. Anyways, I’m in bed, scrolling mindlessly on my phone, looking at videos. I couldn’t sleep, and it was close to midnight. Me and Enver had gone to our favorite spot, under the shade of the Birch tree at the park. It was a cool, autumn morning, and everything was going well. I recall talking about the paintings I had made the day before, as a vent piece, mostly, since I wasn’t feeling so good because I had my period, and that reminded me that I was originally a girl... I wish it would’ve never come again, but alas, it did.

Then my phone started to ring. Why was Enver calling me at this ungodly hour? I hesitated, but decided to pick up.

“Er... hi Enver, why are you calling me now?” I groaned.

“Haha, sorry River! I just got some ghost hunting devices, like a rem-pod, flashlights, cat balls, an EMF reader, all the good stuff. I was wondering if we could do an investigation in my room or yours? Unless you want to sleep, either is good!” She replied.

“Alright... I guess we can do it in your room.”

I was secretly excited about this. I love paranormal stuff, but I haven’t really had the chance to do ghost hunting, with my lack of materials. But still, I really hate that my room is haunted... I got off of my bed lazily, and put on my favorite sweater, and some sweatpants. I grabbed my keys and locked the door of my apartment once I’m out, and knocked on the door to Enver’s. She opened the door and ushered me in. I noticed the box of materials on the couch, my excitement rose a bit. I tried to keep it down, though.

Enver took out a rem-pod and placed it on a small table. I helped by placing a cat ball on her bed, and flashlights, both of which can be activated by a simple tap. I held an EMF reader, and Enver has her phone in her hands, on airplane mode so nothing would interfere, on that communicator app. Before we say anything, the app says “Savannah.”

Enver gasped, “A name?! This quickly?” Then the rem-pod goes off, full grab. I shuddered. We are getting a lot of activity so far...

“H-how many entities are in this room?” I nervously said. A flashlight turns on, and the app says “13 spirits.” The flashlight turns off. Then I jumped, freaking out because I could’ve sworn I heard a distorted voice, that almost sounded like... “River.” I tensed up.

“M-my name! I… why did it say my name..?” I croaked.

“I don’t know… River, just don’t let it get to you.” Enver replied.

“Okay…”

The rest of that night went by in a blur.. the two of us did experience some interesting things, like doing an EVP, in which we found out the names of some other spirits, like Darcy, Lucille, Zachary, and a few more. They all seemed to be mostly nice, but Savannah... that name feels familiar... I can’t put my finger on it, but I remember that name from somewhere..

I went into my apartment, and into my room, reminiscing about these events. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep with this information.. what if it's the same case with my room? I sat on my bed and took out a notepad, to focus on something else. I wrote stuff that I needed to prioritize doing, also so I wouldn't forget about it. “Top surgery... either buying my own ghost hunting materials or borrowing Enver’s... Pursuing my art career... Learning to play the drums...” I murmured, scribbling the words on the paper. Can I really achieve all of these…? No… probably not. I thought. I closed the notepad, and shoved it under my pillow. Then I laid in bed, tossing and turning. I couldn’t sleep. The investigation was still in my head. Who is Savannah… and why can’t I remember who she is…? I must’ve been thinking for a long time, because I later drifted into slumber.

Let me tell you this: I had a rather odd dream, odd because I never have dreams anyway, but this one was unnerving... I woke up, in the dream, as Enver. The outfit she wore was the same one she wore the day before, a white dress with the sleeves being white mesh with small stars on it, and black boots. The area around was just a black, misty void. I felt queasy as voices whispered in my ears. It was very incoherent what the voices were saying. It went like this for... a while. Then everything went black. I couldn’t see Enver anywhere. I remembered that I was then startled by a large eye opening in the midst of the void. The pupil was dead black and soulless. I heard an actually intelligible voice, which said:

“She’s gone.”

And then I woke up, sweating and shaking. Gone..?! What could that mean? Maybe I shouldn’t worry about that.. I mean... it’s only a dream... right? I checked the time. I woke up right at the crack of dawn... Great. I sat up in my bed, and grabbed my phone. Enver... she called me five times, at exactly midnight. Oh no.. I got up, slid on my crocs, and frantically ran out of my apartment, to check on Enver. I knocked on her door, before I realized that the door wasn’t locked, and it opened easily. I peered inside, only seeing pitch black, and.. the same mist from the dream. I shivered, the air had become more cold, probably more cold than I was able to handle. And then, I felt an invisible force push me into the void.

“River... River! Wake up!” I heard a voice say, shaking me awake. As I opened my eyes, I saw a translucent spirit with long, wavy hair standing before me. I jumped, startled. The ground, if that’s what it even was, rippled like water under me.

“Who are you?!” I yelped.

“Girl,” The spirit said. I tensed at the word. I. Am. Not. A. GIRL! “calm down! I’m Savannah. In addition to feeling very much uncomfortable, I felt surprised. It’s her! I… How am I able to see her?! Savannah then extended a hand, which I hesitated to grab.

“No thanks…” I stammered. Standing up, I took in the fact that I was actually in that same void from the dream I had, merely minutes ago. Savannah waved her hand in front of my face, causing me to snap out of my daze.

“Sorry,” I said fidgeting with my hands, “but also… where’s Enver?!”

“Right. Those demonic entities took Enver much deeper into the void than where we are right now. I’ll have to fly you down to get there.” Savannah explained. Demonic entities?! Oh no.. what am I getting myself into? “But... there is one thing I need from you. The demonic entities are more dangerous for a living human, and since we can’t risk getting you killed, I need to transfer some of my power to you. I just nodded again. I get to have some of this spirit's power? I… oh god.

“We need to start now. Don’t move, and let me take the lead.” Savannah stated. She seemed really familiar to me, now that I noticed how tall and formal she was.. she also seemed the same age as me, 16..

Savannah interlocked her hands with mine, so suddenly that I flinched. Her eyes started to glow a pearly white, and I’m pretty sure that my eyes did the same. Her forehead touched mine, and I guess the transfer had begun at that point. We stood like that for what felt like ages, before Savannah let go of me, making me stumble. The audacity of this spirit! Jeez…

“It’s done. Let’s go save Enver!” Savannah exclaimed. I felt a force plunge me into the water-like floor. I screamed, but nothing came out.

The ride was very nauseating... We sank down so quickly, and that paired with just how deep the location Enver was at... you would not want to experience it. A few moments later, Savannah landed gracefully, meanwhile I had barely landed on my feet.

“Keep close to me,” Savannah whispered, “we don’t want those entities to notice us right away. When they see us, run to Enver, I’ll distract the others.”

“A-alright,” I replied, still shaking.

We walked cautiously, to not make any noise. I could see what I was sure to be the demonic entities, crowded around something... No, someone... Enver! The entities noticed me and Savannah. They hissed and shouted, “ATTACK!” Entities swarmed around Savannah, in which she signaled me to get Enver, and to not worry about her. I ran as fast as I could. I saw Enver, I grabbed her hand.

“W-we need to get out of here, now!” I urgently whispered. Enver’s face was wet with tears, she just nodded, and held my hand tightly.

“Er.. oh god.. SAVANNAH, NOW!” I shouted. Savannah had told me that when I got to Enver, I had to signal her to send me and Enver back to Earth.

Savannah nodded, while fending off an entity with her bare hands. She raised her hand, and me and Enver floated up. Enver held onto me tightly, as Savannah screamed in agony.

Everything then went black.

I woke up on the ground, in Enver’s room. Enver was on the ground beside me, and she groggily sat up. Wait a minute.. we’re back! I’m back with Enver! But.. what about..

“What… happened to Savannah…?”

“I… I think she’s gone.. like, fully gone...” Enver wearily replied. At that moment, I realized who Savannah was.. I remember her. We were close friends, along with Enver and a few others. Savannah had died in a car crash about.. 5 years ago, when we were 11. I can’t believe that I forgot about her.. how could I? I felt a lump in my throat. Even though she was a bit rude… I was sad she was gone… forever. Enver hugged me, telling me to stay strong. And I did… well, at least I tried to.

I managed to heal from the… incident that happened those 3 years. That day… September 4th, 2019. The day after my birthday. I still couldn’t forget about that fateful day. It made me believe in the paranormal even more than before. But it’s now January 19th, 2021… I couldn’t believe that it has been 2 years since it happened.

I looked outside. It was 4:37 pm, a somewhat windy afternoon, after it had rained, which was my favorite weather! I pulled on my binder, a grey sweater, green cargo pants, and my black combat boots. I quickly combed my hair a bit, which I had cut to chin-length after it grew out, and grabbed my backpack. I was going to hang out with Enver at the Birch tree, since today was January 14th… Savannah’s birthday. I stuffed my sketchbook, pencil, and pen in the bag, and picked up the bouquet of white flowers that I had bought previously. Running out of our dorm room, and locking it, I saw Enver, who was waiting for me.

“Took you long enough,” Enver chuckled, “let’s go!” Enver then grabbed my hand, and dragged me down the stairs.

Eventually, the two of us got to the Birch tree. I sat down, leaning against the tree, and pulled out my sketchbook, pencil, and pen. I started to draw Savannah. I remembered her short, two toned hair perfectly, and her favorite hoodie, so she was quite easy to draw. After some last touches, and outlining the art in pen, I was done with the portrait! I showed Enver, and she loved it, and we ate some ramen that we got from the nearby supermarket.

“Enver, should we stop by the cemetery? I mean, the sun is setting now..” I asked. Enver nodded, and I zipped up my bag, and grabbed the sketchbook and flowers. We walked to the cemetery, and we looked for Savannah’s grave.

“I found it!” Enver exclaimed, and I ran to where she was. The name on the grave said “Savannah Arren O’Carie” That’s definitely her grave.. I smiled sadly, and set down the flowers on the grave. I tore the drawing of Savannah out of my sketchbook, and also placed it on the grave. Enver set down her own bouquet of flowers, as well as a note we both made, and we both stood back up. Enver hugged me, and I hugged her back, as the wind blew lightly through our hair.

The note said,

Wherever you are, Savannah, just know that we will always remember you, and that we miss you. Thank you for everything.

Love, Enver and River.

#writers on tumblr #creative writing #writing #short story #oc story #transgender #trans #transmasc #paranormal #ghost hunting #spirits #demonic entities #demonic entity

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erindrifter · 10 months

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I've been grappling with something for the past several days, and I kinda want to vent about it. It'll be lengthy, so I'll put a cut in

I've never been noticed, really. Like, I'm just kinda on the sides of things. At school, despite being PRIME bullying material, I was largely ignored because I just wasn't worth it. In my family, I tend to sit off in a corner for most gatherings.

Any time I tried to talk about my passions, it was typically met with ridicule, or just ignored. Even to this day I can talk about something I learned and get blank, uninterested stares back.

But, several years ago, I ended up here. I found a place where I could make something of myself. I could make noise, and someone would hear it! I posted fanfic, and people were interested! I posted art, and it got spread around! It was amazing!

But then, it all died down. My fanfic stopped entirely. My art slowed to a crawl, eventually dying. I started 3D modeling, and even that met with medium interest before dying out. I would post about something that fascinated me, and be met with empty air.

At the end of last week, I posted a picture. It was all of the small planes and ships I had rendered gathered together. I designed a background for them, and even set them all to scale! I thought that people would be interested to see this! I was wrong. I reblogged it all throughout the day, and nobody even acknowledged it. ONE person reblogged it.

I don't really know what to take from that other than a complete lack of interest. I'm back to square one. This place, which had long been a bastion for me, is now just like everywhere else. I'm just here on the side again.

There's posts going around about how NOBODY wants to make it big on Tumblr. But... I kinda do. I would love it, in fact! I WANT people to be interested in what I do! But nope! I can't seem to attract people interested in anything I do!

I'm at the end of my rope at this point. I make art to be seen by people, but the people who see it don't care. Why make the art? It's not for me, I've never been the type to make art purely for myself. It's for you, but you're not interested. So, why make the art? I don't have an answer to that question. Why spend time researching something fascinating to me, only to be met with blank faces when I try to tell someone about it?

I'm close to being done with it. I'm close to just shutting down any original things I do here, and just being here to reblog. This isn't the first time I've had this issue come up. It's not even the second or third. Each time, I've spent some time away, then came back with a revitalized spirit, but nothing actually changed. I'm running out of energy.

I'm really close to just... Stopping. I would say that if you want to see more from me than you should say so, but I kinda already have my answer on that. I have MAYBE 2-3 people who like seeing my art. I've stuck with it this long for them, but I'm just tired now.

I might just be done with it. There's not much reason to make things nobody cares about.

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macabre-crab · 29 days

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She, she, she comes over me I knew half as much as she does She wants to be, my anything, my everything Really who am I to judge, to judge, to JUDGE?

there's a lot to say about this piece. i'll try to keep it short. i started it back in december, i think? and have been working on it bit by bit since then. it originally started off as a vent piece. it still is, sort of. i think. but the emotions are all over the place. as have i been these past few months. i had a hard time picking out a caption too, since my ideas for that have changed many times.

something about wanting to be pure. but knowing youre not, no matter how hard you try. youre tainted somehow, even if you cant see it. poor thing. youll never be free.

anyways, the feathers werent done by hand. i used a brush i found on clip studio, it's titled "天使の翼ブラシセット" i think. it feels like cheating to use it tbh... but it really brought the piece together so. whatever, we all know im not a real artist anyways lol.

below are two other versions of the art. the flat colors and a version similar to the final one but without the feathers brush. enjoy.

#i have mixed feelings about the whole thing. this piece is filled with much sadness and anger.#a part of me wants to feel proud but another part can hear them all laughing at me. why do i even bother anymore.#i genuinely cant tell if this is even good or not. dear fucking lord please let me go. let me rest.#i guess this is vent art after all LOL haha #i should shut up and just post it before i get any more self deprecating #oh and also. peep the new watermark/signature 👍#my art #vent art #digital art #artists on tumblr #angel #fallen angel #flowers #clip studio paint #csp brush used

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buffenny · 2 years

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i’ve avoided putting anything on here, on my public accounts because i’m not exactly a public griever. i never will be. i originally wasn’t going to put anything here either, but i think this is the next step in this whole grieving thingy for me.

idec if anyone actually reads this, because this is a comfort for me, plus i don’t think i can stomach not saying anything about someone that meant so much to me despite having never met him. he’s got me through so much. so fucking much.

also before i get into it, i do want to mention that this is very much me rambling and may also come across sort of vent-like.

things were really rough for me last night (as im sure it was for so many other people). i cried for so so long to the point where i couldn’t breathe and the only thing i could feel was the pressure of my headache that had formed, it wasn’t even one of those pounding headaches, it was just constant. honestly i blame it on being dehydrated, L to me for not drinking water ig.

at first i thought it was some kinda of sick joke. about 10 seconds into the video i was actively hoping that it was. i don’t know how to fucking process this or how to properly grieve and i cant even imagine how anyone close to him must be feeling right now. but i bet that they’re fucking proud of him. he’s made such a positive impact on so many fucking people.

he was the first person i watched when i started watching minecrafters again. instantly i grew attached to his content and his personality. the way he interacted with his friends was just so fucking nice to watch. i cant even explain it well because who the fuck actually manages describes complex emotions like this in full??

my first art post on my twitter account was him and my first mcyt post on my instagram account was him. i

remember being fifteen fucking years old, having no friends and no one to even talk to. i remember being the loneliest i had ever been in my entire life, and i remember how much technos content helped me through that.

yesterday, when the video was uploaded to his channel, i cried the hardest i had ever cried in my entire life. i have never dealt with grief like this. i’ve never experienced death. but yesterday, everything felt wrong. nothing felt real, it didn’t feel real. i straight up, could not fucking believe it. i still cant believe it. because it doesn’t feel real. i cant wrap my head around him actually being gone.

and when i say that everything felt wrong, i mean that it felt like i couldn’t do anything. everyone was talking about distractions but i couldn’t distract myself because just the action of doing so felt like i was doing him a disservice. and don’t get me wrong, i know that’s not true, but that’s how it felt. i couldn’t listen to fucking music all day yesterday because the noise was just too loud, and the lights on in my room were too bright so i had to shut them off as well. it all felt so wrong.

today, seeing the rest of the world move on with their lives was so confusing to me. people have been so excited to watch the new stranger things episodes and i just cant. i cant bring myself to do anything like that. anything that i can’t relate back to technoblade i cant distract myself with.

i played a bit of minecraft, i watched some of his old videos, i watched phil’s stream.

it was really nice to laugh with my friends though. i’m glad that i was able to do that today. really fucking glad.

i’ve been spending a lot of time on twitter. right now the whole place is just full of love and support and other people who are grieving just as much as i am and it’s really fucking nice.

i’m kind of scared to post this because i’m not really one for being public with my emotions, and i don’t have anything like this on any of my accounts. also the fact that i know my friends will probably see this. but like i said, it felt wrong not to post anything.

it’s true that i could post something significantly shorter, but i think i’d rather post something that feels more me.

#technoblade fanart

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spinachandhoney · 9 months

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Attempting to imitate my traditional style by using a small sketch pencil and not clicking undo once the entire time

This was kind of a challenge, since I rely heavily on undoing and redoing my line work to make it look as good as possible, but it helped me realise that I don’t necessarily need it to make my art unique

I’m trying to rediscover my style lately, since I’m not feeling too happy with my art right now. As beautiful as some of my recent pieces have been, it doesn’t feel like how I want my art to be

Throughout my gap year year, I’ll be working on improving my writing and getting to a comfortable place in my art before I head off to university. Hopefully by then, I can be confident enough in myself to start completely fresh and not have to worry about the person I used to be

I used to do art for myself when I was younger, and got made fun of a lot because of it. So I started to draw what I thought other people would enjoy, which led me to make some choices in my writing I really didn’t like. I scrapped a lot of my old stories because they just weren’t what I wanted anymore, and lately I’ve been afraid to work on SnakeFace and Emberfall for this exact reason. I’m setting them aside for now until I can figure out how I want the story to appeal to myself, not to the people around me

I’m tired of being a people pleaser; it’s exhausting and it’s been making me feel like I’m not really here. I just hate that it took me until I graduated to realise this. I want my art to really feel like me, so people don’t have to know what I look or act like to understand me. The same goes for my music. I haven’t written an original song by myself in years simply because I wasn’t sure if everyone else would like it, completely disregarding how much I would like it

A few years ago, I wanted to be someone my younger, child self would be proud to be, and would look up to, which led to me being the exact person I didn’t want to be. I became cruel to myself, and said things to other people I wish I hadn’t. And no matter what I do now, that will never go away. The people I know now will never be able to forget that person no matter what I do. But if I move past that person and start fresh, the new people I meet don’t have to think of me as the person I loathed the most. I want to better myself and become a person I can be proud of. For myself.

This was kind of a longer post, and I don’t usually vent on social media. Not on main, at least. So if you did take the time to read this, thank you. And thank you for being patient with me and the art I make in the coming year

#art #character art #digital art #character design #oc #original character #not my oc #hey look i’m posting something that isn’t my oc for once #vent post #positive vent #starfront

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tophat-cy · 4 months

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It's that time of the year again, huh?

Hello everyone! Here is TopHat_Cy with probably the last Tumblr post of this year. Since 2023 is coming to a close, I'll just put down a little summary of the experiences I had this year. Let's get started ^v^ ✨💗!

⚠️CW/TW since there may possibly be some ranting and/or venting at some points⚠️

To be honest here, 2023 was pretty rough, and I'm not talking about that I had the baccalaureate in June, oh no. I was honestly waiting for that time so I can just do myself after that, right after I supported 4 years in that hellpit people called it high-school (or pedagogic college...whatever 🙄), just to get like over 3 months later on a worse hellpit called college, where all my personal issues has awakened...and felt horrible and lonelier like I've never been.

Despite being in overall horrible, high-school was great because mostly because I wasn't feeling the loneliness and self misery I feel now. Now that I'm at college I get almost hit daily by the fact that 1) I'm lonely and I'll always remain lonely (since who tf wants a little antisocial freak who literally draws all day lmao??) 2) I'm worthless, mostly because my French skills (at least) suck, and a good amount of my marks suck as well in comparison with other students (and honestly I wouldn't be bothered that much about this fact if it wasn't for my mom who haves the great habit to remind me by times to make sure I take big marks only to get the scholarship, hahahaha shut up bitch), which guess what, it makes me feel ✨horrible✨, and 3) Your life is a pure lie. This is sooooooooooo great isn't it :D ??!

*sigh*

I realized within my current college experience that I'm lonely not only in society, but with my own mom. I realized I'm even more of a worst daughter than I ever thought...I realized that I'm getting more horrible as the time goes by, or at least this is how I feel. I feel like losing myself slowly, becoming into nothing but a setinent shell of the former self. With those realizations, I'm getting hit in the face once again by the most saddest fact that I've encountered so far in my life but I always tend to forget it to make myself feel better (but you know how life is...it needs to offer you some lemons in the eyes 👁️👁️)...

...the fact that my life is nothing but a pure LIE.

But hey! Can we look into the bright side of what this year offered for some hot minutes?? It's not all black and misery! I had part of wonderful and fun times with my boyfriend (we did Whiteboards and rambled about our silly stuff like two neurodivergents that we are 😁✨), I had part of several fanart moments from people, I had Art Fight (yeaaaaah, our old pal Art Fight, which kinda started to become a pain in the ass every year when I have to bring my REFs up to date for this event...mmmmmmm 😊/pure af hot sarcasm, but honestly here, do I really care :D ???), I even joined my first Original Characters Tournament, Ressurection, in which I met wonderful people which appreciate my skills and also willing to help and support. And most importantly, I had YOU! All of you! If it wasn't for you guys, I definitely wouldn't been here, sharing this thoughts with YOU. And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, once again ❤️!

As a mini conclusion to all of this speech, I'll admit that this year was still decent so far, with all it's ups and downs, along with the fact that I'm returning myself at being genderfluid (hence the Pic at the very beginning of the post lmao :')) )

The latest events from this year at least made me think that being feminine related makes me feel worthless about myself, and I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want to be strong at its full and I want to feel and be free with who I am. I'm not the most social person, yes. I'm far off from being a great daughter, yes of course, and I'm definitely far from being the best person out alive, or at least a great one. But at least I want to do something about it, so I can have the right to say that I tried my best for real.

So, that's it. I'm genderfluid. I go by he/they/cee from now on (although cee/ceer pronouns are most likely optional, like if you want to use them, go ahead, although I'll still be ok if you used the he/they ones, just don't refer to me with she/her or any fem aligned pronouns).

🌙⭐Plans for 2024⭐🌙

(aka my favorite part from this post so far 🤓)

Just like everyone else, I have prepared some future plans for the next year and which I'd like to share with you. Here they are!

I want to make EITHER an OCT or a world-building RP server somewhere around February-March or later (I would've done it sooner, but I have to prepare for the exam session in January). The OCT thing may take a while though since I want it to be good, so this plan might get extended for 2025 as well. As for the world-building RP thing, with some effort, it could be done next year.

Returning on developing some miscellaneous projects - those being Insanity AU and a somewhat game-like concept that my boyfriend made plans about it in this year and which I'd like to develop on. Insanity AU is a thing that I've made with dustyisegg back in 2022 but discontinued it for 9 months due to [DATA EXPUNGED] and resumed it's development, by remaking the characters and their plot entirely. (Dusty if you see this tell me if you still want to work on this, yeah yeah I'm a huge procrastinator lawl 👾✨)

JToH, JToH, JToH projects - my dear and beloved JToH...(I've been in this Fandom for almost 3 years...more than I've been in the Doll Eye one, can you believe that?). Most of those projects will consist on simply designing new towerhumans, respectively redesigning the old ones. Along with that I have a comic project which I will start making it's script soon enough, other side projects that I have in my mind...and JToHVerse, which I don't know when it's that going to be started (earliest date will apparently be around 2025, but let's see how the comic project goes 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Putting some content in Toyhouse - a thing that I should worry about eventually ;v;

GET YOUR ARTFIGHT SPIRIT BACK PSYCHE 😩!!!

The last but not the least...To start developing at least one of my original storylines FOR FUCK'S SAKE 😂😂😂!!!!!! I've been waiting for this for years already hajshshdvbssb :')) I'm not sure which of them is going to come out tho. Definitely not PK though, that one will most likely get an extend to next year.

So...I guess that's it??

I'm going to assure you with two things before I finish. First of them is that, again I think, I'm fine. I'm not upset or anything. I had hard times like everyone else (maybe) this year and I had to left it out somehow. But in rest everything is alright, so don't worry about me. I will keep existing for you and for what I love ^v^.

The second thing that I will say is about this blog. Starting with January 1st, I do not allow anyone below the age of 15 to interact. I have an age now, and at this point I want to entertain people, not to babysit them. So don't get upset if you possibly get blocked, that would be one of the reasons (I hope to remember to unblock you after you get the age hhgjgjfjf 😅)

That's it guys! If you read til here, thank you very much for the attention and time spent on reading this. Hope everyone haves a wonderful 2024 and nice days! See ya around 💗💗💗!

#blog #blog post #2023 summary #damn this shit is looooooooooooooong #haha 😅#cw : ranting #cw : vent #tumblr post #2023

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purgatorypartyyy · 5 months

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An oil painting I made for my mom.

Originally, I knew I wanted to paint a landscape with a sunset. I was going to paint a depiction of a photo I took on the day I said goodbye to my friend. After two days of waiting in the hospital, and hoping for things to get better, they declared her time of death. There was nothing else for all of us, her friends and family to do, so we left. My parents and I were going to go back to our hotel room, but the thought of dwelling in that room was too much for me to handle. So we drove to the beach and watched the sunset, wrote her name in the sand, and had dinner at an Edgar Allan Poe themed restaurant. The night before I sobbed in my mom’s arms like I never had. My mother’s arms have become an uncomfortable and confusing place to seek shelter. But I needed to be held so badly in that moment, so I let her hold me. Before I arrived in town, I had some piece of hope left to hold onto, but after the first day in the hospital I knew what was coming. I’ve never experienced the degree of emotional pain that I did that night in my bed. I wept for what my life would become after all of it.

My life has become a lot of things, and most days I carry the grief so heavily. Most nights I can’t stop yearning to hug my friend and hear her voice. I decided I wanted to paint the scene of the beach outside of a class on my own time without input and observation. It’s something I want to fully feel and react to with my art. I didn’t really get the chance to process it all. The sunset was the only beautiful thing in life that day, and for many of the days that have since followed. I felt somewhat sorrowful as it set, but really utter shock. I felt disconnected from everything in my world. It’s a feeling I can’t put into words, and I would never want someone to feel what I did that evening.

Instead I painted a scene from the lakehouse my mom is fixing up. My mom will always be my first love and my final heartbreak. Our relationship is complicated, she is a complicated person. I get really anxious thinking about her and her mental health. Since my friend’s death, I’ve found myself fixating on my loved ones dying—my friends, my family, my pets, myself. I often have nightmares about losing my friend again, or those people in the same way. My mother’s life revolves around her work, and as a result she neglects a lot of her life. It makes me depressed. After she bought this house though, she has spent every weekend and day off there that she can.

Usually when I call her, she vents about work. I can feel the distress seeping out of the phone. Lately though, she talks about her projects she’s working at down there, and sends me pictures of her new yard decorations and the progress in the house. She talks about how still it is down there. It’s just a house, but I think it’s changing her. Maybe even saving her.

When I started painting I didn’t expect to be “good”. Over time I discovered I have a natural ability to paint. The time I spent in my studio space this semester brought me so much peace. I started feeling sad that I haven’t taken the time to create art. I miss writing and singing, and figured out I miss painting too.

So I made this peace as a love letter to my mom. I also made it for myself without really knowing the meaning until after. It’s worth it to take the time to appreciate a sunset, or to create art just for the sake of creating it. These acts allow me to have something beautiful on the days I can’t find beauty or life in anything else. It’s hard for me to express love to her in other ways. Sometimes I am filled with hate and resentment. I hope when I look at this painting it can remind me of how important it is to invest in the parts of my life who’s only purpose is to bring me joy, respite, and an outlet for expression. Those moments make me feel as though my life is worth living.

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moving-to-dreamwinged · 6 months

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cw// vent below the cut!

no outright triggering content mentioned but references to trauma/ptsd (this is vaguely selfship related i promise snjkfhfndsj).

LONG, sorry . beware! but i've been trying to examine myself a little more closely lately and i just got carried away ig

i sort of always feel like i'm alone in this, i guess i was wondering if anyone else feels the same way in any capacity?

so i've always been a really naturally creative person; when i was younger i was the kid that was always doodling all over their assignments; i would win art and writing contests, stuff like that. it's a lot of artists and imaginative ppl on here specially in the selfship community, so i'm sure y'all will understand this, but being "creative" was kind of literally my entire identity growing up. i preferred fiction to reality and never understood how to get along with the other kids, so it became my escape , whether i was creating or consuming media. it was , in entirety, who i was.

except when i got a little older, i went through a traumatic event. i won't get into specifics, but i was diagnosed with ptsd among other things. and i pretty much blocked it all out! only recently, years later, have i started to realize the effects the trauma actually had on me.

i noticed that my creativity is basically GONE. i'm unable to come up with plotlines in my head; only when i'm very strictly guided by a pre-determined objective or assignment requirement. when i was younger i could write elaborate fantasy storylines with dragons n shit, fully fleshed out character archetypes and interactions, but now it's like my mind is a total fucking blank. NOTHING comes up. especially dialogue; i'm just not capable of imagining it. art is the same way.

it's honestly insane. i don't even remember what it was like to have natural imagination. i miss it more than anything and i feel like i've lost something intensely important. not to mention how ingrained it was in my identity. it's all i was, yet it all stopped after i experienced trauma.

i feel so alone, and it really ties into my relationship with self-shipping. as much comfort as self-shipping brings me, i feel so very invalidated by the fact that i'm not able to create or write content for my ship. i try, but i just can't do it in the end. i see others that make these beautiful drawings or these deep meaningful fanfics and i feel so guilty. like i'm less dedicated, and it makes my relationship/my account less valid, not only to myself but to everyone else. my f/o deserves more than that, but i can't give it to them. in real life, they'd probably be with someone else who could instead. yk that sort of thing :'( it's a whole rabbit hole of thinking that i'll just cut off now but yeah u get the point. super guilty.

i could go on with this for hours but it's already super long. but yeah. the original intention of this blog was for me to try writing again but in a way that was comfortable and safe for me, by combining it w my biggest coping mechanism LOL. i've made some baby steps in my drafts but we'll see how it goes ig. just wanted to get this off my chest and see if maybe anyone else has had a similar experience, idk it just makes me feel so guilty and like i'm a fraud of myself in general :'3

#.vent #f/o #self ship

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metroidprimepics · 2 years

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More miscellaneous observations, mostly from Corruption.

Prime etc.

Since there may be Switch remasters of these games on the way, I’d like to clarify that this blog is not an accurate representation of how these games look on console.

For one, I do bump up the resolution, which makes smaller details much clearer. (The base textures are unchanged, though I believe there’s a fanmade HD texture pack for Prime. Which admittedly could kind of use it.)

I also often tweak the lighting in post - usually brightness/contrast, sometimes white balance. (On top of that, I turned down bloom by 10% on Corruption, because it’s a bit much.) This is about as much I would edit a photograph which I took of real life.

Finally... Keep in mind that these games were originally meant to be played on a component video output hooked up to a CRT, which (as you may or may not know from personal experience) is a very fuzzy experience.

That being said, all I’m doing is adding extra polish - Prime games look decent under any condition. (My actual play setup is trash...) So these remasters, provided they exist, have a lot to live up to.

Moving on.

This is what it looks like inside the morph ball. So... now you know...?

Activating two cutscenes at once means they play simultaneously.

It seems Gliders were originally going to be used as platforms at some point. It is very difficult to get on top of one without noclip, but as you might hope, Samus can totally ride on them. Whee!

There’s no issues with sliding off or anything, either - you’re clearly meant to be able to stand on top. (Wish the same was true for my sad attempts to boost onto Quadraxis’ flying head without stunning it first - water off a duck.)

Apparently there’s even an unused scan image depicting this exact scenario, which more or less confirms it.

This applies to some midsize harmless flying enemies in the rest of the main trilogy as well, specifically the drones in Sanctuary and the cargo carriers in Skytown, both of which speedrunners ride to get out of bounds. Perhaps they’re using the same code...? Or maybe those are programmed like “crates that move” and the fact that they’re also flying platforms is a coincidence, who knows. It’s all platforms, always has been.

Different game entirely, but bear with me. These statues in front of Elun reminded me of this statue in Prime 1, specifically with the robes/armor. Might be a coincidence, though, especially since the main series basically ignores Prime.

Echoes

I love Echoes, but I don’t have much to say about it this time.

Spoopy.

The regular human corpses are about the same size as Samus, but when Ing-possessed they get... bigger. (Morph Ball is about half her height - when unmorphing, she comes up to the armpit.) So that’s weird and kind of gross to think about!

Corruption

The MPT version of Corruption seems to have significantly better load times than the Wii release, though it takes longer to boot up at the start.

The Pirate Phazon storage that Dark Samus reconstitutes herself in during the opening cutscene (left - sorry for terrible angle, it’s hard to fight the cutscene camera) isn’t one of a kind. It’s the same room model as the Phazon storage/processing room that you pick up X-Ray Visor in much later (right).

...gonna chuck that one on the right in the queue, actually...

It’s really impossible to overstate just how tiny humans* are in the Metroid universe, compared to almost every other species. Other humanoid species are generally at least as tall as Ghor. So if you’re looking for an in-universe explanation for all these conveniently morph-ball sized vents... Uh, I guess those are still pretty small for most species.

*or, in this case, Gandrayda badly impersonating a human - though she’s the exception, being about the same size as Samus anyway. I wouldn’t be surprised if they use the same model.

Speaking of Gandrayda. This isn’t a new discovery, but I figure it’s worth mentioning that there’s some otherwise unreleased concept art in her body texture. Seems someone was using it to colorpick...

Feeding my statuary addiction with these busts on Bryyo Fire.

This save room in Skytown has a mysterious solar system model. My pet theory is that it’s home. Like, the lore on the nearby Cyrlic tree is that this Chozo tribe bioengineered it and brings it from place to place (you also see this exact species on Tallon IV). So maybe if that tree is from home, this model is depicting home? I don’t know.

There are a lot of assumptions there and an environment artist probably just stuck it there because it looks cool. Just kidding! This is approximately canon.

While it seems odd that the HUD is a 3D element in the world, it does let it interact with lighting, like this orange glow. It’s subtle, but a nice touch.

...now that I know you can make it invisible I’m turning it off though... Invulnerability cheat doesn’t work in this game, so whatever happens happens I guess!

Quick look at the dying parasite queens in the Skytown Xenoresearch Facility elevator wall. Which is... You know. A completely normal place to store your dying specimens.

If you’ve ever wondered where exactly in Samus’ body her Phazon growth is located, wonder no longer: it is located above whatever Leviathan seed she happens to be in! (In this case, Bryyo. Blue things on the walls.) Hope that helps. 😔

In the drop cutscene, two Spire pods are loaded at the same time, though you’d never see them both with a normal angle.

You might have to take my word for this, but the text in the biohazard scan is once again basically keysmashing. All homebar too, very classical. There’s one word on here, “extra”. And some numbers, 123123, @@@, etc.

Finally. (deep sigh) Shoutouts to the artist at Retro who decided to give the Reptilicus about 6 polygons of lizard bulge. Maybe they can hang with the artist at Mercury Steam who kept giving a bunch of ZDR critters detailed bolas.

#misc_

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