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lifeofbubblygum · 1 year

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In my dreams you still love me.

And quite frankly I'm not entirely surprised. It's the way it was, the last time you were in my day to day. If I recall correctly, you had moved on by those last couple of months, but still.

It's been four and a half years since our last kiss. My last kiss with anyone. I realized sooner than I thought I would that I was actually happier without you. But I'm still lonely. I'm in an odd place. For some reason the memories of your arms and your kiss are vividly clear. I miss having someone love me. Even though I don't feel like you loved me correctly, I know you still did.

Having that dream the other night must have done something to me. A couple nights later I actually cried--just for a couple minutes--remembering being with you. Granted, I'm starting my period, but? I haven't done that since I was getting over the breakup.

In my dreams you still love me. I still, now, am having dreams where you're still in love with me and I don't love you. In the dreams I don't love you. I know I still don't.

But usually when someone is on my mind this much I reach out and reconnect. Maybe God put them on my heart for a reason. Might as well check on them. But you aren't easy to get ahold of, so I can't, and that's for the best.

I'm still rooting for you in your life. I guess that's all I want you to know.

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lifeofbubblygum · 1 year

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Sunshine

You're sunshine. I don't know how else to put it. You've lived so many lifetimes in 22 years and still you're strong enough to have a smile and brighten the lives of everyone around you. It's incredible and I crave to continue basking in your light.

For so long I have believed I'm nothing but a rainstorm. I've been dreary and dark and gray. But encountering your sunshine made me realize that even my rain has a place, and maybe between us we'll find something dazzling and colorful. I can feel you bringing out my sense of adventure. I hope against all hope that I'm making a positive change in your life as well.

Oh please, please, let me be doing something good here. Please let this be true. You've captivated me and I'm so terrified I haven't done the same.

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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Well, here we are, nearly two years later, and I no longer feel this way at all.

It's been a bumpy road, for sure...I've been up and down with these feelings, and I'm sure the fear that I'm not good enough will come back again.

But it is only brief visitations. Anyone who relates to this post--you will not feel this way forever. You won't. Whether it's something that's just inside your head (like it is for me) or if you've inadvertently surrounded yourself by negative voices, there are things you can do to combat this mindset.

There are cheap, easy hobbies to take up. There's a lot of free learning that can be done with the internet. I know not everything is accessible for everyone but if you try you will find your place in the world SOMEHOW.

It's taken me a long time but I have. And I have every confidence that you will too.

We are made of stardust. We can all shine brilliantly.

“I’m just so tired of it…I’m tired of being myself. The needy friend no one asked for, the sad friend that you’re obligated to take care of, or the annoyingly peppy girl who thinks that what she has to say matters to anyone, who is wrongfully convinced that maybe she matters to anyone. Not smart enough to keep up, not ambitious enough to bounce ideas off of. My friends are full of ideas, plans, let’s-try-this conversations and I am never a consultant. No one wants me for their projects. I can’t blame them. I am the most plain, bread-and-butter girl you could think of. Why me? Why did it have to be me, with my head so full of romantic ideals, with a heart yearning for beauty and love and hope and adventure? Why do I have to be the plain asteroid among such brilliantly shining stars?”

— my dull heart (via lifeofbubblygum)

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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We should've made a power-up pact.

Yes, I'm the one who chose to walk away. I made the right choice, for once, walking away from you. For once I'm doing right by me. Maybe this is my first step into self discipline. Maybe it had to start with us. And, God willing, it WILL pay off and it WON'T be forever. But it definitely needs to be a hard and fast rule.

But here I am, the night before I leave home for good, and while I'm excited to start a new life...it isn't easy. I've been in the same house my whole life. Other than being away for school, I've been sleeping in the same BED since I was, what, three? Four? And now the bed is packed into the van and in less than 24 hours it will be all set up in my apartment. So I'm on a foam mattress on my bedroom floor. And the heartache of leaving home is hitting me so hard, and the self doubt is creeping in, and I think to myself for the billionth time in the last two and a half weeks "Man, it is so hard to not be able to go to the person I've been going to for the past four years when I feel this crappy."

Y'know how in video and computer games, you can pick up certain items and they can refill your health bar or whatever?

I wish we had a power-up pact. That when one of us hit a really really rough spot with stuff in our lives that we could reach out for a quick little jolt of support, re-energize, make that health bar jump up just enough to keep going.

Because I know that if things were how they used to be I would be messaging you right now, spilling out about how I'm getting depressive and I'm losing steam on this, and you'd immediately tell me how this is a really good choice for me, that everything will work out, and that I can do it. That I'm capable. And you'd send the little hug stickers. And I'd feel better.

You were my power-up. I'm not really doing so great without you. And I know that more than anything else is an indicator that I really needed to get away from you and unlearn this codependency...

But I miss my power-up.

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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i’m happy you’re here, i’m happy you’re alive. we give life the opportunity to improve by staying alive ❤️. from one human to another, i love you!!!

ohhhh.........I really needed this today. I just got a call that the singular interview I've managed to set up is no longer happening because they already filled the position.

So thank you so much. Your timing is incredible.

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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I promise. There's too much good hurtling towards me right now.

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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It takes a certain type of person to love me the way you did, for as long as you did, just to fuck it up so badly I actually manage to do the healthy thing for myself for once by walking away.

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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Break You

I'm so sorry, friend, for what I have to do

You don't see this coming

The end of me and you

You carry on, just the same,

and I don't know how you don't know

That this can't go on too much longer, I just gotta go

Let go of these hands you've held so tightly to

We both deserve better, we need something new

We loved each other like fight for it

You held me like the sand

Always falling falling out of your hand

And I memorized you like a song

How did we get the words so wrong?

Been singing along for oh so long

Only wanted your love but I could never have it

So now I have to break you like a bad habit

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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My dearest. You're doing so much on your own, and you're doing beautifully, but you know you can't carry on like this forever. I won't push at you, though. I can wait. You keep working, applying, interviewing, studying. You keep doing that, just as long as you know I'm ready. When it snaps your spine, when it breaks your brain, when it all gets to be too much and you're lost in the swirling chaos, I'll be there. Drop a line, whisper to the wind, send up a flare. I'll come running. I promise. My fragility ends where yours begins, and I can be the strength for the both of us. I'll come running. I promise.

#poetry #friendship #friendship poem #best friends #encouragement #independence #reliance #quotes #love quotes #friendship quotes #hard times #i'll be there #comfort #encouragement quotes #writeblr #snippets of my story #love

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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My Own Horror

Anxiety isn't crying while the strong boy holds you close

(I mean for me it's like that sometimes but I cannot count on those)

It's not just shaking breathing quickly though that can come as well

It's more like being in an awful dream but it's real life and it's hell

I feel my unfocused eyes as he reaches out to me

And I'm aware of what is happening but I'm frozen cannot speak

Yes, sometimes there's a hand reaching out and squeezing yours

But you cannot squeeze back, you're a closed and locked up door

I've become my own monster hiding under my bed

I am all the hateful voices that are inside of my head

I'm not just a fragile flower requiring delicate care

I'm a haunting, I'm a horror, and I'm really fucking scared

#anxiety #mental health #poem #poetry #mental health poetry #paranoia #symptoms #misconceptions about anxiety #anxious #neurotic #writing #my writing #mental health writing #anxious thoughts #paranoid #horror #dissociating

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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Men Positivity Post!

I love the way my guy friends are and I thought I'd share.

I love the way they've bonded with each other. I love that they are the definition of healthy "boys will be boys" whether it's seeing what happens when you dump boiling water in freezing cold temperatures, or the goofy ways they used to ask us to dance.

I loved seeing J's face when T asked him to be a groomsman at his wedding.

I love seeing T and B's friendship blossom day by day.

I love everything about J and T being a force of chaos.

I love W, C, B, and T's absolute devotion to their women...not the bare minimum...so much more...

I love that the ones who didn't have close male/male bonds before we all met, have been able to find that.

Here's to naming inanimate objects, to listening to them talk for way too long in each other's doorways when they're supposed to go to bed, to the weird ways they goof off and entertain us when we're stuck waiting. Here's to impromptu performances of the stupidest songs. Here's to every time they give us girls rides when we're drunk, and the promises of safety and protection.

Here's to the men who aren't afraid to love us and each other.

#male positivity #wholesome #guy friends #boys will be boys but it's good #wholesome masculinity #masculinity #manhood #i love my guys #dudes are great #love #friendship #male appreciation #friendship quotes #here's to you

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lifeofbubblygum · 2 years

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Honestly I do love the meme about people that are like "oh I'm an *~empath~* (magical/mystical/special) but I promise you at least I and probably other people tend to be more like uh yeah I'm a bit overly empathetic (derogatory/character flaw/tiny lil crybaby)

#meme #empathy #empath #i'm an empath #empath (derogatory)#thoughts #personality traits aren't magic powers #character flaws #i'm not bragging when i say i teared up imagining my funeral #i'm saying i'm not well #also real quick yes i have a therapist #yay therapy go therapy #we love and support therapy in this house

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lifeofbubblygum · 3 years

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If I decided to say goodbye, I would try and convince them it isn't their fault, it's no one's fault, and I love them so much. That they have faith and each other and can get through this. But how could I expect them to, when I've deliberately abandoned them? There's a lot of reasons not to take the permanent vacation, and honestly this is a big reason. It would destroy the people I love. It would just cause problems for them that I have now. I don't want to put anyone through this, y'know? I really don't want to be the reason there's darkness. I still have light to bring. I still have love to give. As much as I think everyone would benefit if I removed myself from the equation...I can still somehow see that that isn't true.

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lifeofbubblygum · 3 years

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God, as somebody that grew up in a largely jewish community, holocaust denial is like... so fucking weird.

Because I don’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t terrified of swastika’s, including when I was so young that I didn’t even know what a swastika was.

Because it’s such a strangely specific feeling to be born in the wake of a tragedy so massive that you can still feel it’s reverberations and were born with a weird sense of survivors guilt that will shadow you forever

Because when we were younger and our parents refused to tell us exactly what the holocaust was, we would trade our grandparents horrific experiences like they were scary stories across the camp fire, repeating them over and over to ourselves and eachother so we could figure out what it all meant.

Because I’d see those books with grey photos of Auschtwitz prisoners on the cover and feel like they were looking straight fucking at me.

Because every single Yom HaShoah you’d hear grade school children get up and say “my grandmother was the only one left of her family” or “they barely got out before it started” or “they managed to hide in an attic for months on end” or “my great grandmother managed to jump off one of the trains with her daughter in her arms” or “my grandfather has numbers on his arms but he won’t talk about it” or “my great aunt was shot just before the liberation so she couldn’t get out,” like it was normal.

Because we were always taught to run if we were in a group of non-jews that started making nazi jokes, to laugh along and then take the fuck off to stay safe.

Because the question always lingered over our heads, “what if it happens again? what if it happens to us?”

.... and them some stupid fucking college age white trash dickhead stands up and says “it didn’t happen” or “it wasn’t that bad” and I just can’t... fathom that? Like how the fuck wasn’t this part of your life? How is this not etched into your bones?

And its because it’s not. Like people didn’t grow up with this shit, some people can afford to deny the holocaust and deny antisemitism because it won’t hurt them.

It’s just... fucking wild.

(please reblog)

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lifeofbubblygum · 3 years

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Bad Questions, pt. 1

"Why do you love me?"

"I don't know...I don't know. I just know."

#love #love quotes #quotes about love #friends #friendship #friendship love #quotes about friendship #friendship quotes #writing #excerpts from my life #excerpts from a book i'll never write #writeblr #wholesome #inexplicable love

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lifeofbubblygum · 3 years

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The temperature's been in the negatives for over a week where I go to school, and today it just finally hit double digits in the positives. When I went outside it felt NICE out. Nice! 12 degrees is nice? I chuckled to myself, figuring that a 15 degree jump would indeed feel warmer, even if the resulting temperature is still what I would consider way too cold. When you think about it, love can be like that too. If you've had no-good, awful, can-you-even-justify-calling-it love, then the most basic acts of kindness feel like treasures. My best guy friend has no romantic feelings toward me, yet I feel infinitely more loved by him than I retroactively do by any of my exes. He truly actively loves me more, loves me better than they ever did, and in a lot of ways one could objectively say he goes above and beyond in our friendship, but to him this just seems like the normal thing to do. This is how you take care of your friends. This is what you do for people. After many winter storms of not-love in the negatives, even the littlest bit of real love feels like the most gorgeous of spring days. But I must remember that the love I get from him is not quite the love I'm seeking. Just feeling like it's 75 degrees does not in fact make it 75 degrees, and if I dress like it is now I'll suffer greatly. Rather, this pure friendlove can be the promise that there is hope for true romantic love in the future.

Tempered Heart

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lifeofbubblygum · 3 years

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I ' M S A D

hapvaltimes

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