#10 MINS OF ANIMATION I AM IN PAIN

[ygodmyy20]

Okay I finally am getting around to this post! It's the 'Fuck how can mob psycho help me in so many ways god damnit I hate and love this show' post!

Shigeo joining the body improvement club, and everything about this part of his story is so personal to me. I just have to talk about it.

So as we all know at the start of the story, Shigeo joins the body improvement club to impress Tsubomi. Thats it. Thats the goal. He also joins because he wants to get stronger and not rely on his psychic powers but really like...the main reason is to impress her.

And this isn't new. A character wanting to get fit, lose weight, change some physical part of themselves for a crush is SO common in stories that you barely notice it.

But what I love, what I ADORE is how this progresses and changes.

This gif from an amazing AMV by @thekagepro24 and it just UGH hits me so hard it is so perfect!!! I could watch this 5 second gif over and over and over again

I just am. I just am dying while running, I just am making progress, I just am enjoying this because I really like it.

This puts everything I feel into visuals (it's so gooooood watch the AMV!!! DO IIIIIIT)

So many times society tells us to change something about ourselves, or we tell ourselves to change for the appeal of others.

Lose weight so people think you're pretty.

Get fit so you can get into clothes that make you look hot.

Get swol to make a person think you're attractive.

You are the one and only you, this is your one and only body. So why are you working out, why do you WANT to get "swol" who are you trying to impress. Is it for yourself? A crush? Society?

I have battled with the above for so long. I come from an athletic background, and did a lot of sports growing up, but I have never been small. I have battled with weight my whole life and had my own shitty bouts with ED.

I have been in therapy, I have read books, I have watched videos, I've been in and out of PT for nearly 5 years because of a lower back and hip pain that NEVER went away.

I never figured out WHY i wanted to exercise. It just always was "To lose weight" because I couldn't get that goal out of my head for years and years and years.

But then I watched mob psycho 100.

And I started a new type of physical therapy.

And was it mp100 or was it the therapy finally working, who can say which did it—probably both—but one day I thought...

....maybe I should just go for a run...for 5-10 mins. Just to see how it feels. It went against all parts of my athlete brain (because 10 mins is too short to see "gains"....which is dumb but whatever)

I thought of Shigeo and how he basically passed out every time he ran for like 2 mins, but he got better. He had to start from 0, well...kinda like negative 5 really. But then he was doing so much not even a few months in!

35 pushups is so hard!!! You go my boi.

Shigeo started off doing it all for Tsubomi, for others, and even if he really wanted to do it to improve himself I think it was a secondary goal initially. Main goal was to impress someone. Secondary was to get stronger.

But then the marathon happened. And those goals SWITCHED! DURING THE RACE! just....man it hit me. It hit me hard. THAT WHOLE EPISODE IS JUST A LOT FOR ME GOD DAMN

He ran for her initially but he continued running for himself. He continued working at it because he wanted to and in the end, after everything, after confession arc, after all that

This scene!!! makes me cry happy tears!! look at how happy he is UGH IT JUST IS SO UGGGHHHHHHH

Anyway if you made it this far, know that everyones journey through their body improvement, mental improvement, emotional improvement is different. We all have to tackle it in the way that works for us.

It took me nearly 10 years to start again because of this beautiful anime connecting the right dots in my brain.

Every journey is different, but just keep fighting on and you'll figure it out!

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #mp100 analyis...? #sorta? #more like a essay on personal life and mob psycho #not sure what to tag it as #but I just hope others can find the beauty in this part of the story #you don't have to lose weight to be healthy #you don't have to necessarily exercise in the same way as Mob #you don't even NEED to exercise in the way people expect you to #you just have to do what works for you! #it took me a long time to get here #body improvement club #FIGHT ON!

[fairycosmos]

Oh boy, things are extremely rough atm. Can you recommend any healthy coping mechanisms? I literally don’t know a single one that works for me except for self destruction and being on my phone until I don’t feel anything anymore. And apparently that’s not what we’re supposed to do when we’re sad

ok so unfortunately all of my healthy coping mechanisms only half work for me and it's a total gamble whether or not they're going to on any given day. and none of them ever cure my mental illness which is annoying. like they're not fail-proof solutions and a lot of the time they're simply frustrating in fact it often feels laughable to even try them. a walk is not going to make any of this better. but consistency DOES strengthen your coping skills like a weak muscle. like even after 3 days of practicing them i'm like Ok well i feel like shit but i survived without hurting myself and that was the whole point. not a cure but a tool. ok i'm just going to list them because otherwise, i will ramble forever. btw it's ok to do like, even half of one of these per day. there's no need to overwhelm yourself at all :) coping is coping.

meditation - it sounds and feels like bullshit but i follow this youtube called great meditation and they upload 10 min guided meditation sessions and they have truly gotten me through a lot of low moments at this point. sometimes i feel much better after and sometimes i barely notice a difference but the point is i've sat and breathed for a bit

journaling - i thought i needed some sort of mental health diary for this but then i just opened a google doc and followed these mental health journal prompts ( just one every other day, nothing overwhelming, and no pressure to write a lot or to write anything in particular) and it helped me organise my thoughts and notice the patterns i was/am locking myself into. there's also trauma processing prompts online if that is what you're after.

free writing - again just opening a word doc but this time you just write without thinking literally letting go and putting down whatever words your fingers type - no judgement no curation no performance no expectations.

submerging my face in cold water, holding ice cubs - good for grounding.

crying my eyes out, purposefully listening to sad songs or watching sad movies in order to do so - cleansing, painful, tires you out and can make you feel renewed briefly.

breathwork - again there's some great youtube vids for this. i do this 20 min nervous system reset somewhat often, but there's shorter ones that are also very effective. box breathing also helps if you just need a simple go to - breathe in for 4, hold for 4, our for 4.

lie down on a hard surface or the floor with your back straight - another grounding thing. to occupy your mind during this you can name 5 things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one you can taste.

pat your arms, legs, stomach, head, chest gently and breathe deeply - again it can be grounding.

watch trail cam vids of cute animals, use the wikipedia page generator to read up on smth you've never really thought about before, download duolingo and start learning a language. not to become fluent just to get your mind out of the place it's in, even for 5 minutes.

literally just move around especially outside - HATEEE to say it but stretching on your bedroom floor, going for a walk, following an exercise video etc - it can really help you feel a bit less stale and myopic. if it's too much, opening a window is a good start. or simply standing outside your house for 2 minutes and going back in. the air will feel good.

make sure all your bases are covered - have you eaten, have you slept, have you showered, have you talked to someone in the last few days, are you hydrated? if not, make a small move towards doing one of those things. feeling like crap physically only compounds how crap you feel mentally and so the cycle perpetuates.

scream, punch/throw pillows, snap pencils, stab at paper with pens.

affirmations - i'm trying to build a list of ones that resonate with me specifically because a lot of them don't LOL. but there's a lot of good resources online for this. one of my favorite current ones is: doing a little is better than doing nothing. a job half done is better than a job not done at all.

do something creative - it's not about being an artistic genius it's about doing something tangible with your hands and getting out of your head and using the space in your brain to focus on something that doesn't feel doomed. drawing, singing, cooking, playing an instrument, writing, whatever you want. you don't have to have done it before. you can just do it.

talk to someone you trust/care about, let them in even a tiny bit. it's ok to verbalise these things. give them a fair chance to be there for you the way you'd want to be there for them. i know it's hard, all of this is, but it's not impossible. also, look for any communal resources you can find - support groups, local therapists who may offer sliding scale prices that are affordable. it all sucks but it's something.

will add more when/if any come to mind. i'm sorry you're feeling like this and i sincerely hope it all becomes a bit lighter for you soon. sending so much love. x

#anon

[zrspace]

15 questions for 5 mutuals

Rule: You have to answer truthfully and you have to tag 5 mutuals in your post.

tagged by: @jemedesean thank you for the tag! Much love <3  

1. Are you named after anyone?

I don’t think so? My name is Nurhakeem, Nur for “sunlight” and Hakeem for “wise”. Not of anyone that I know

2. When was the last time you cried? Why?

Recently, I was with my close friend and she was describing her emotional struggles and pain that she was going through, and everytime that happens, I tear up abit. 

The one time which I REALLY cried was during a movie for Demon Slayer. I cried like 5 times during a span of 90 min lol.

3. Do you believe in Soulmates? 

Yes I do. Actually, it is part of my faith and religion to believe in not just soulmates, but destiny (or Divine Decree). Everything has been planned out by God. Ever wondered how you end up where you are now at? Ever wondered how everything worked out in the end? But maybe that’s just me haha.

Regarding soulmates, the name of your spouse has already been written too. Now it’s up to me to reach to her. I think some of yall already know who that is lol *wink wink*

4. Do you drink liquor? 

No. Haram baby. I know some Muslims that do drink, but I just try to remind them. I can’t force them to not want to drink it.

Plus, drinking alcohol causes cancer. I think there was a recent study that says that no small amount of alcohol is good for you.

5. What do you usually daydream about?

Umm... good question. Going out with my close friend? XD

Also, how can I go to Japan or Switszerland or Austria in the future, and what do I need to do to make it happen.

6. First thing you notice about other people?

Their smile

7. What's your favorite quote from a TV show/movie/book?

“Friendship means little when it’s convenient” - Koji Shimazu (from John Wick 4)

“Those who break the rules are scum, but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum” - Kakashi/Obito/Naruto

8. Some of your pet peeves?

When people refuse to put their bags down on the floor when they’re on the bus or train. As a result, they take up more space than they need to.

9. Where’s the next place on your travel bucket list and why?

Japan, because it’s cheaper than travelling to Switzerland haha. Also, I want to visit Mount Fuji one day and visit a Japanese Mosque and see how they are different than the ones in Singapore. I want to go with someone. It’s no fun to go alone

10. Where were you born? 

Singapore, KK Hospital

11. What are your hobbies?

Hanging out with my close friends, reading religious books, playing video games, exercising, going for hikes, watching movies, going for dinners and exhibitions. Having fun basically. OO and I like to cook when I can. 

12. What's the best joke you've ever heard?

Hey baby. You look like a baby. Want to be my baby?

13. What’s your love language? 

Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are on the same level at the top, followed closely by physical touch

14. Topics you never get tired of to talk about.

Religion and life and emotional struggles. AND Naruto and anime that I am interested in. And movies. 

15. What would be the title if your life were a movie? 

Where is the love?

tagging: @apoloniaspiegelgold @agreeablewitch @dennnnsworld @looshipoh @maybecoolpuppets

#me #thanks for the tag! #jemedesean

[vegance]

are there any insects you dont like and kill if they are in your home?

idk how vegan of me this is, probably not very vegan at all, but there are some insects that i will just kill if they’re in my bedroom,, 98% of the time i catch them and put them outside, like bigger spiders, moths, ladybirds, big flies even… but others like small spiders, fruit flies, and especially daddy long legs i kill.. i feel bad doing that to the small spiders, but its impossible to catch them if they move too fast 😞 i dont feel bad killing fruit flies since they’re just annoying and a pain and its basically impossible to catch them. and i have a horrid, nasty fear of daddy long legs (they literally give me panic attacks) so i kill them with no shame or guilt at all. is that bad? am i being a bad vegan for doing this?

I also kill some of the insects, and it has definitely been a learning curve for me in my veganism. Like in the beginning I would kill wasps and hornets if they came into my room, now I take them outside.

but mosquitos, for example. I have very high ceilings which makes catching them hard, and I give myself 10 min to try and catch them if they’re in my room at night but after those ten minutes I kill them. I need to sleep and I can’t spend 2 hrs at night trying to catch a mosquito.

I do think we should try our best in this area as well, and to acknowledge that it might be one where we are especially reluctant. But at the same time, if you’re trying your best and you’re terrified of one of those animals, that’s just how it is imo. There are many hardcore vegans who kill insects no hesitation.

There are some extra things we can do. We can try to focus more on prevention (like keeping our fruit in the fridge or under a barrier against fruit flies, so they don’t even come to our house. Or maybe for the spiders that you’re scared of: there are these catching devices for insects you can buy that make it easier to take them outside, from a bigger distance)

But honestly, as long as you are trying your best and acknowledge that these insects have their own preference for life, I think you’re fine :)

anyone else want to chime in how you handle insects?

#ask #insects

[kaimukiwahine]

this dumb idea is catapulting me to opening da Vinci resolve to do light video edits and I am in pain.

i’m the type of person who rather than look up a five minute tutorial and make easy work, will brute force a program that is not meant for it and make it work. like, i made a 10 min video with voice over, animation, and transitions on microsoft powerpoint for one of my undergrad classes.

but have some sneak peeks i guess down under:

#doing fantastic ( ; u;)b #just like pistachi0's thing: brute forced around when the answer was right there #and ye #was sorta told the answer for the cat thing so now i'm using it

[appsa]

Netflix gave triple length episode runtime to multiple v*ltron episodes while the SheRa finale had to cut off 10 minutes of footage to fit in the 20 min mark 👁️👄👁️

The tragedy of this 💔

#10 MINS OF ANIMATION I AM IN PAIN #HHHHHHH #also jdkdj where is the deleted footage i want it wtf...... #wait is this the stuff from save the cat or...? #anyway fhskdj vld having multiple long eps #djkdjd ig it was because the ppl behind vld..... supposedly.... had more experience..... #one of them worked on avatar the expectations were so high... and for what 💔 #ANYWAY #not bringing this up again #ask

[reidyoulikeabook]

If a Tree Falls

Ship: GN!BAU!Reader x Spencer Reid

Word count: .7k

Warnings: Pining, probably incredibly terrible description of philosophical theories.

Summary: Spencer explains to reader the philosophical arguments behind whether a tree falls when it makes a sound. They’re not really listening.

A/N: Once again a little thing I wrote in 10 mins. Another drop & dip! Please let me know what you think !!

---

“Whether or not you believe a tree that falls in the forest makes a sound is largely dependent on whether you subscribe to bundle or substance theory,” Spencer explains, gesturing with his hands, “It’s actually really interesting.”

“Yeah?” You ask, craning your neck to look at him.

The two of you are sat together on the jet, like you always are. Everybody else is either asleep or pretending to be, not wanting to get suckered into another edition of Spencer Reid Tackles Big Life Questions. You, on the other hand? Well, you always were inquisitive.

That’s the reason.

You smile at him, tilting your head so that it rests against the seat, getting a good view as he becomes more animated - if that’s possible.

His tongue pokes out, wetting his lower lip, and he continues speaking, “It’s all about whether something can exist without being perceived by consciousness. If somebody isn’t around to experience something, then did the thing actually happen? It’s got a lot of ethical implications, if there’s no awareness of someone’s suffering, does it really exist?”

It is an interesting question. Especially considering the circumstances.

He reaches for a pen, starting to draw out a tree. You watch his hands as he does it, silently praying they might disregard the pen altogether and reach out for yours. They don’t, he remains methodical in his sketching, tongue poking every so slightly out of his mouth, eyebrows furrowing. Concentrating.

Your suffering is silent.

Maybe that’s a dramatic way to put it.

It’s not suffering, most of the time. It’s quiet, yearning. Wishing that the empty cold side of your bed was occupied by him: lying there, coveting the blanket, whispering the facts he learnt today.

It’s soft, longing. Handing him a cup of coffee and how his fingers brush across your palm as he takes it. The fleeting touch one you replay in your mind for hours afterwards. He presses the coffee cup to his lips and you have to look away, lest your thoughts become more unproductive.

It’s painful, an ache in your chest. Watching as he does physics magic for a girl who barely appreciates it, a small smile on her face and a crater in your chest. Hiding your grimace with a glass against your mouth.

“Bundle theory states-” He continues, but you’re distracted now.

It’s easy for him to buy you’re listening with the way you’re watching his mouth. How his plump lips pronounce every word. A gleam of his teeth showing every so often as he smiles while speaking. His index finger presses against his lips, for just a moment, while he contemplates what he’s saying. Not for long though, he’s soon drawn back into his spiel.

Hands dropping back to his lap, he picks up the pen and begins almost frantically drawing waves - sound waves - that illustrate his point, “So substance theory would say that these sounds-”

He’s so focused on the drawing that he doesn’t even notice how you look at him. Adoringly. His hair is getting on the longer side again now, a feature of his you’ve always been endeared by. The baby curl at his hairline encroaches onto his forehead, and God. What it would feel like to reach out and push it back. The intimacy required for that kind of touch makes your palms clammy to think about. The kind that would require familiarity with his body outside of your observations, the staring at the curve of his nose and plain of his cheeks and cut of his jaw when nobody’s looking. The kind that you think he’d lean into, if he felt the same.

The speaking stops then.

He looks up at you, bright look on his face, like he’d rather be talking to you than anyone else in the world, “So what do you think? If a tree falls in a forest and nobody’s around to hear it, does it make a sound?”

If I’m in love with you and don’t tell you, am I in love with you?

Your fingers itch to touch him. His hand lolls next to yours, supporting the pen. He’s so close you can smell his cologne, feel the heat radiate off his body. An inch of no man's land.

Yes.

“Yes,” You manage, although it’s barely more than a whisper, “I think it does.”

He smiles, small and satisfied, “I think so too.”

-

Spencer Reid tagslist: @retrxbarnes @cmily @agentprcntiss @reiding-recs @drspencerreidd @s5spencerreid @spencerreid9 @sunlitspence @cyanide-mustard @shesalatesh @sapphic-prentiss @geostarr @kathrynisadogperson @rem-ariiana @spoonielivingfree @starsandshit90 @spencerreidat3am @reidingmelodies  @takeyourleap-of-faith @calm-and-doctor @ssa-m-187  @seasonfivereid @averyhotchner @muffin-cup @purplewaterbottles082 @reidsnose   @jhillio

Visit this form/message me to be added/removed!

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #reid x reader #imagine spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagines #criminal minds x you #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds #imagine criminal minds

[zenrayne]

For those dealing with depression: self soothing tips

It never truly goes away until we learn to love ourselves I’m realizing. To tell the inner critic and the self hating part of us or the pessimistic side of us that I love you and you’re worthy.

I noticed when I beat myself up mentally that part of me is angry at myself because that part is sad as shit and just wants me to do and be better or to not feel anymore pain. That self hating part of me doesn’t understand my worth because I never told it and my parent made me feel worthless.

I’m learning very slowly for almost 2 years now. It gets just a little easier each time. I cry less but I’m more numb. But when I relapse or break down where my depression makes me feel like I’ll never be happy it’s easier to pull myself out of the pain than it was 5 years ago. 5 years ago suicide was on my mind every day when something went bad. Then I actually attempted it twice and had one accidental overdose. The last time I tried I realized if I don’t push myself to try to live than I won’t know what it’s like to be happy I’ll have died without finding out what my potential can be. I have to decide to either fully die or fully live I can’t teeter totter all my life when I feel a negative experience or negative emotion.

Now when I’m depressed, crying, having a bad memory, anything that feels like it’s breaking me inside I self soothe. It’s usually while I’m having a panic attack and or crying my eyes out and I feel like giving up. Self soothing is something my parents and no one could do for me.

To do it I rub my upper arms as if I’m hugging myself yet comforting myself and just repeatedly saying positive things like: “it’s okay. It’s okay to feel this. Your emotions are valid. You’re not your bad thoughts. You’re safe. It’s okay. I love you. I’m here. I won’t hurt you anymore. I’m listening to your pain. It’s okay to feel this. Let’s get through this hard part together.” I self soothe like a parent for myself no matter how much I don’t believe the words I’m saying because of my pain. I say it over and over until my mind listens, calms down, and starts believing.

If I can I go and journal. Or listen to music and I force myself to sing or dance to my favorite song to get my low energy up more. Exercise is great too if you prefer not to dance. Exercise with music. Moving your body gives you endorphins its the natural pain killer because they activate opioid receptors in the brain that help minimize discomfort. They can also help bring about feelings of euphoria and general well-being.

If I literally can not do any type of physical activity. I meditate mindfully, so I try listening to my thoughts and I belly breathe. Or I listen to calming instrumental music and only focus on belly breathing. If a thought pops in my head I either say “I’m thinking about ...” out loud or to myself to notice I got distracted and to go back to doing my breathing. Or I imagine folding the memory or thought into a box and putting it safely away for later or I imagine in on a cloud drifting past me. Sometimes I imagine it becoming a rose and I light the rose on fire. You can come up with anything creative to passively and without judging to put your thoughts aside. I do this for 10-30+min until I’m satisfied or I just can’t do it anymore.

When I listen to my thoughts objectively it’s like I’m looking at the thoughts of my depression and this body. I remind myself if I can observe my own thoughts than that possibly means I’m not my thoughts and if I’m not my thoughts what am I? I think I’m the being or spirit behind the thoughts experiencing life. If I can say words in my head without using my mouth and without using my ears to hear it than how is that possible? My consciousness is behind everything I experience.

I try to not let my negative thoughts and perceptions pull me under. Doesn’t mean I win every time. Literally every other day I’m having an emotional swing because I’m trying but anxiety and depression can be so overwhelming and powerful. But healing doesn’t have to be feeling positive or feeling happy or doing something productive. Healing is listening to yourself and telling yourself in any way shape or form that you have worth and that you love yourself. You have to. You have to do it even if you don’t believe your own words.

We’ve told ourselves so many hurtful things in our mind and experienced situations that in our mind proved that we are worthless. Those things conditioned our mind to completely spiral or those things triggered a genetic component we have inside of us to be depressed. But remember: only you can know and tell yourself your worth. If you believe your life is pointless than your life is pointless. If you believe your life had potential than it has potential. If you believe that anything you put your mind to you’ll accomplish you’ll do it. Mindset is powerful. Fighting against depression is tiring but being careful to feed your mind with something uplifting can eventually change your automatic thinking that life sucks and I suck I hate my life and I can’t feel this anymore I can’t do it starts to turn into maybe I can be happy. Maybe my life won’t suck soon maybe my thoughts isn’t what my future will be like

It’s hard. It’s so hard but something inside of you wants to live it may just be 1% of you but it’s that 1% that keeps you alive this very moment. People die from depression; living with depression makes you stronger than someone who doesn’t even understand what it feels like to have it weighing on you nearly every day. Dealing with emotional and maybe physical symptoms that you push through. Each day tell yourself it’s a victory because you lived.

Here’s what I do

Whenever your mood is a little up write a list of as many reasons to continue pushing/living/trying and it can be as little as *”the sun feels nice on my skin and makes me feel good”* or it can be as big as *”I have a dream that I want to accomplish.* Looking back at that list helps so much because it’s your own handwriting, it’s a past version of yourself telling you *”it’ll be okay just look at what you have to look forward to. What you’re feeling is ok but don’t forget about these things that make you feel good”*

Writing everyday one thing I’m grateful for in a journal helps because I get to look back and see all the things I was grateful for in the month.

Doing minute gratitudes in the day is helpful: just looking at a blanket and saying out loud “I’m thankful I have something to keep me warm.” Or looking at your ceiling and saying out loud or in your head ”I’m grateful there’s a roof over my head.” Looking in the mirror at your reflection ... and saying “I’m grateful that this body protects me” or “I’m grateful I can see and understand that I’m alive. I have a consciousness while an animal like a dog can’t recognize their reflection I have the ability to see myself and find any type of meaning in life”Just take anything you see if you’re down and think about how you can be thankful for it. It can even be your hands for letting you be able to feel sensations, being able to hear music, you have legs to dance and move, a mouth to eat yummy food and to talk to the people you care about.

Tell yourself every morning when you see your reflection “I am enough”. That’s it. Say it as many times as you want or say it once. But look at your reflection into your own eyes for a moment and then say it. It makes it very personal and makes associate the words “I am enough” with yourself. Do it every day. And over time you’ll start to notice that you’re starting to feel more and more like you are actually enough.

The more and more I do gratefulness and self soothe it helps me do it more often and it improves my mood than if I didn’t do it.**

Be safe 💓 and don’t invalidate your depression or your own pain. Your body is feeling it it’s real. Soothe that pain and just try a little to feel better when you feel up to it. Don’t fall into the depression and even if you do you can always get back up when you can.

#self love #self help #self healing #mindfulness #self care #self improvement #healing #cptsd coping #ptsdsupport #mental health #recovery #relapse #mindfulawareness #magick #cptsdawareness #cptsdhealing #meditation #dpdr #spirtuality #spirtualhealing #law of attraction

[wiccan-succulento]

Aconitum Napellus

*This is a POISON.

(I know a lot of this is medical terms and may be hard to understand- I basically look up every term I come across. I’ve included definitions for most, but not all. I have tried finding my list of sources, but I have lost them. I have NOT personally had experience with this; therefore, some information may be slightly off, or not accurate according to new studies. Feel free to add new information, definitions, or facts. I am NOT a health professional.)

Common Names: Aconite, Monk’s Hood, Wolf’s Bane, Blue Rocket, Queen of Poisons, Soldier’s Helmet, Devil’s Helmet, Mouse Bane, Leopard’s Bane, Women's’ Bane, Brute Killer, Dog Killer

Native to: Central and Western Europe, Asia

Toxicity: Severe. All parts of the plants are toxic, especially the roots and root tubers

Poison will enter the body through contact with skin, contact with broken skin or wounds, ingestion, consuming any part of the plant. 

The taste of the poison is a very bitter one, followed by a burning of the mouth and possibly esophagus, then numbing of the mouth.

Toxins in the plant include:

Aconitine- cardiotoxin (heart toxin) and neurotoxin (nerve toxin)

Mesaconitine

Hypaconitine

Side Effects can take a few minutes to a few hours to show. 

Side Effects Include:

Abdominal Pain

Nausea

Vomiting

General Numbness

Partial Paralysis

Respiratory Paralysis

Paresthesia- abnormal sensation of the skin (tingling, numbness, chilling, burning, prickling) with no apparent physical cause

Diarrhea

Bradycardia- abnormally slow heart rythym

Hypotension

Chest pain

Palpitations

Sinus tachycardia- elevated sinus rhythm characterized by an increase in the rate of electrical impulses arising from the sinoatrial node (group of cells in the wall of the heart’s right atrium). In adults, sinus tachycardia is defined as a heart rate greater than 100 beats/min (bpm)

Ventricular ectopics- extra heart beats originating in the bottom heart chambers

Ventricular tachycardia- fast abnormal heart rate

Ventricular fibrillation- rapid and erratic electrical impulses of the heart

Defective color vision 

 The main causes of death are refractory ventricular arrhythmias & asystole. The severity of the toxins are related to the onset of rapid heart rhythm changes

Preexisting health conditions, old age, pregnancy, and breast feeding may amplify the side effects.

Overall in-hospital mortality is 5.5%

Antidotes & Remedies-  

It has been reported that the effects of aconite can be buffered/eliminated by various alchemical methods. 

Management is supportive, including immediate attention to vital functions and close monitoring of blood pressure & cardiac rhythm. 

Inotropic therapy** is required if hypotension persists. Atropine*^ should be used to treat bradycardia. 

Aconite-induced ventricular arrhythmias are often refractory to direct current cardioversion & antiarrhythmic drugs. 

Available clinical evidence suggests that amiodarone & flecainide are reasonable first-line treatment.

In refractory cases of ventricular arrhythmias & cardiogenic shock, it’s most important to maintain systemic blood flow, blood pressure, & tissue oxygenation by early use of cardiopulmonary bypass. 

The role of charcoal hemoperfusion to remove circulating aconitine alkaloids is not established.) 

The early use of cardiopulmonary bypass is recommended if ventricular arrhythmias and cardiogenic shock are refractory to first-line treatment 

**An inotrope is an agent that alters the force or energy of muscular contractions

*^ Atropine is a medication used to treat certain types of nerve agent and pesticide poisonings as well as some types of slow heart rate, and to decrease saliva production during surgery

Reducing toxicity-

Boiling, steaming, or soaking the plant may reduce toxicity due to the toxins being heat sensitive alkaloids. Since the toxic effect of raw aconite can be buffered/eliminated altogether by various alchemical methods, early Chinese medical texts focus much attention on processes involving the production of processed aconite. This includes procedures with special growing & harvesting techniques, special processing techniques, & herb combining techniques that blend the processed root with other foods and medicinal substances to safeguard against negative side effects. 

Ancient Chinese herbalists espoused a distinct concept of space referred to as “daodi yaocai” (herbs grown in a proper location). This concept is especially used when dealing with a variation of the Aconitum Napellus plant.

Li Shizhen and other ancient authorities of Chinese materia medica invariably state that “the best [aconite] is produced in Mianzhu in the region of Shu (northern part of today’s Sichuan province). Although aconite plants can also be found in other areas, they are unsuitable for treating disease.” A Song dynasty account gives a description of this particular region that is still known for producing China’s only “genuine” aconite 

The Chinese materia medica contains about 70 recorded types of post-harvest processing techniques aimed at reducing the toxic potential of aconite. The toxic effect of aconite stems from its alkaloids, especially aconitine. Since this ingredient is sensitive to heating, the processes of roasting, boiling or in most recent times, pressure-steaming, can reduce the effects of most alkaloids. Ancient Chinese texts specify that before heating, the aconite tuber should be peeled with bamboo knives. This labor-intensive technique has been abandoned in the modern production of medicinal aconite.

There is emphasis on the removal of the salt used for preservation of the aconite tubers after the harvest before they are brought to market. After the harvest, the unprocessed aconite root will decay rapidly (within a week) unless it is immediately immersed in brine. Brine immersion will embalm the root during the time when the entire year’s harvest is waiting for the typical step-by-step detoxification process consisting of skin removal and the application of heat. Traditional paozhi techniques specify that all brine is removed from the raw aconite slices before steaming or baking them, by soaking and rinsing them repeatedly in basins of fresh water. Seasoned Fire School practitioners, i.e. the contemporary scholar-physicians Drs. Lu Chonghan and Liu Lihong, have observed that industrial aconite production during the last two decades has flooded the market with high salt content aconite slices. To most kidney deficient patients, this significant salt residue in most pharmacy grade aconite (70% in most contemporary aconite products) is harmful and may be partially responsible for some of the side effects associated with aconitine alkaloids in the pharmacological literature. In addition, it has become common practice in recent years to remove the root peel by immersion in hydrochloric acid, defying the stringent alchemical experience of aconite detoxification garnered during the last two millennia.

Medicinal Uses -

Medicinal applications of aconite were not fully explored until the 18th century when Viennese physician Anton Stoerck published his clinical observations about benefits of the “internal use of aconite in humans” in 1762. Alleged therapeutic uses include treatment of joint & muscle pain. As a tincture applied to skin, it’s claimed to slow heart rate in cardiac patients. Other claimed uses: reduction of fevers & cold symptoms. Some take it by mouth for facial paralysis, joint pain, gout, finger numbness, cold hands & feet, inflammation, painful breathing & fluid in space surrounding the lungs (pleurisy), certain heart problems (pericarditis sicca), fever, skin diseases, & hair loss. Aconite is also used as a disinfectant to treat wounds & promote sweating. Some apply aconite to skin in liniment as a “counter irritant” for treating facial pain, joint pain, & leg pain (sciatica). Aconite root contains chemicals that may improve circulation, but also contains chemicals that can harm the heart, muscles, & nerves

.

History-  

Aconitum Napellus was used in ancient times as poison on spears and arrows for hunting and battles. The tips and (possibly) shafts pf arrows were covered with the poison so anyone helping a wounded soldier may get poisoned as well by skin contact.

As wolfsbane, it was believed to repel werewolves and wolves. The poison was placed in raw meat which would kill wolves attacking livestock.

 Ancient Romans used it as a method of execution. 

In Hong Kong, aconite is the most common cause of severe poisoning from herbs. In Asia, toxicity is related to the use of aconite in traditional medicines. In western countries, aconite poisoning is associated with consuming the plant 

Supposedly used in times of war by retreating armies to poison enemy water supplies. Generals would realize the poisoning and be forced not to pursue the enemy. 

The poison was placed on the tips of harpoons to kill whales more easily. 

The murder of Percy John by his brother-in-law, Dr. George Henry Lampson, was carried out using aconite

“If [aconite] sap is condensed by simmering, it is called Shewang (Shooting Net) and used to kill wild animals.” The 5th century Daoist hermit Tao Hongjing elaborates further: “When the sap of the raw [aconite] vine is extracted by mortaring it to a pulp, and then concentrating it by simmering, the paste yielded from this process is called Shewang. Arrows dipped into it can be used by hunters to shoot wild animals; when hit by such an arrow, an animal will fall to the ground after 10 steps. If a human is struck by such an arrow, s/he will die as well, unless the poison is swiftly neutralized by an antidote.

Known Cases

Very low margin of safety between therapeutic and toxic doses of aconitine.

A 66-year-old female with no known heart disease obtained Aconite from an herbalist. She was instructed to make tea with it to treat her osteoarthritis*. About 90 minutes after consuming the tea she developed numbness of the face, arms, & legs. Rapidly followed by nausea, weakness, & chest pressure. In an Emergency Room, she was found to have an abnormal heart rhythm. After 4 hours of treatment with drugs & electrical shocks to her heart, a normal heart rhythm was restored.

* most common form of arthritis. It occurs when the protective cartilage cushioning the ends of bones wears down over time

There are cases of poisoning in which people intentionally swallow Aconitum napellus they grow because of claimed therapeutic effects. A 21-year-old male acquired Aconitum napellus plants after reading a book on herbal medicine. He ground up the dried roots & filled capsules with the material. He took 1 capsule daily for several months to treat anxiety. (No symptoms were reported during that time) In order to increase the effects one evening, he swallowed 3 capsules and went to sleep. Five hours later he awoke with generalized numbness, nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, chest pain, shortness of breath, & defective color vision (seeing purple). It was believed that early symptoms went unnoticed because he was asleep. In an ER, his heart rate was 43 bpm, and he had an abnormal heart rhythm. Plasma concentrations of aconitine supported poisoning by A. napellus. He spent 48 days in the hospital.

SOURCES: N/A, my list was lost when moving my information to a new document. I know for a fact I have spanned at least 6 websites, and 2 YouTube videos (only one of which was helpful) as well as the materia medica of John Henry Clark

#wiccan #pagan #herbs #poisons #plants #materia medica #medical #witch #neopagan #witchy #witchcraft #witch craft #craft #grimoire #book of shadows #research #i know its a weird interest #i am very aware #aconitum napellus #aconite #wolfsbane #monkshood

[eekiax]

Shadow and Bone Thoughts

April 24, 2021 

12:19 AM 

Just finished the Shadow and Bone series on Netflix and I have an abundance of thoughts. 

Having read both the Shadow and Bone Trilogy and the Six of Crows duology, I was very excited for this show to come out. However, having seen some bad adaptations of books over the years, I was a bit wary of this show at first. My mind changed instantly when I saw how dedicated all of the actors and people that worked on this show were. The trailer dropped and I immediately became invested. 

*SPOILERS* (for both the books and show duh) 

Thoughts on the Shadow and Bone Series: 

-I think that the show does a really great job in improving Mal as a character.  The Shadow and Bone books are all told from the perspective of Alina. In the show, we are able to see things from Mal’s perspective. It’s evident in the show that Mal does have affection for Alina and that he values her in his life. We see the obstacles and hardships that he undergoes in order to get to Alina. He was willing to risk his life to track an animal that literally everyone thought of as a myth. He’s stabbed, punched, and shot at multiple times before he’s even able to reach Alina. The show made Mal a lot more likable than what he is in the books. In the books, Mal judges Alina and harbors a lot of resentment towards her. In the show, when Mal and Alina are alone in the woods, he doesn’t force her to tell him what she did in the Little Palace and holds no judgement against her. I wasn’t a Malina shipper but seeing the way the two of them portrayed on the show made my heart feel all fuzzy. Those flashback scenes of them as kids were cute af. 

-They did Alexei dirty like that by having him killed 20 mins after we see him survive the Fold. At least he lived a bit longer than in the books. RIP. 

-The Crows were definitely a highlight of this show. They added a lot of moments of levity with their dynamic. The comedic timing of their scenes was perfect. Kit, Amita, and Freddy all literally embodied everything I thought that the Crows would be. Kaz holding a goat in his arms and walking around all serious was hilarious. Jesper hugging that goat when they’re in the train is another hilarious moment. Inej is a badass as usual and I loved whenever she would make fun of Jesper. 

-MILO WAS THE STAR OF THE SHOW and he actually proved to be useful later on. 

-THE KAZ VS. DARKLING INTERACTION. There’s just something about having the two characters that wear the most black face off with each other. 

-The Darkling and Alina’s relationship is a lot more consensual compared to the books. In the show, it’s actually Alina that kisses him first compared to Darkling just ambushing her in the books. At the winter fete when ALINA IS LITERALLY PROPPED ONTO HIS DESK, he asks her if she wants to continue which is a whole lot more consent than in the books. Knowing that the goodbye kiss that the Darkling gives Alina before he leaves her in his office was unscripted makes that kiss 10x hotter. 

-It was interesting seeing what the past looked like for the Darkling. We get to see the creation of the fold which makes a lot of sense because you can do that on TV. Seeing what his past was like and the way he acts towards Alina (at least for the first 5 episodes) makes you want to empathize with him. I knew that he was bad but the show does a really good job in almost convincing you to like him. Ben Barnes’ long hair was giving me Prince Caspian vibes. That man has not aged since 2008. 

-I love how some of Nina and Matthias’ scenes were all word for word from the books. Their scenes pretty much summed up how I imagined them together. The scene where Nina falls into the ice was SO intense, I thought for a second that Matthias was going to let go of her. Knowing that he dies in Crooked Kingdom had me really sad whenever I saw them together. “Matthias is dreaming again” *sobs* Also, Danielle got a bunch of unnecessary hate for being casted as Nina. I get that people wanted her to be more plus-sized and I’m all for that, but that does not mean you should hate on the actor. Danielle is a great actor and she was able to play a convincing Nina. 

-Seeing the cut on screen was so cool. It was a bit gruesome seeing all of the bodies be sliced in half. Anyways, the special effects in this show in general was superb. 

-Genya and David were adorable af. Alina describes David as unattractive in the books but man is Luke Pasqualino attractive. 

-The collar looked a lot more painful than what I imagined when reading the books. I really do feel for Alina when she looks in the mirror at the collar with such a pained expression. 

-Having Alina be half Shu makes a lot of sense. It contributes more to her feeling like she doesn’t belong anywhere and her questioning of who she really is. Jessie as Alina was perfect and she really did make Alina a lot more likable compared to the books. 

-Ben was casted perfectly as the Darkling. He has the looks and he has the skills to play such a character. There’s such a subtlety to his facial expressions that reveal what the Darkling is thinking or feeling. 

-I really only have two things that I did not like in the show. The way that they made Zoya racist towards Alina was something that I felt was unnecessary. One big thing that I did not like was the fact that the Darkling’s name is revealed so early on in the show and mentioned so casually by him and other people. There no longer is any weight or gravity to his name which really was one of the only things that made him feel human in the books. 

-I do hope that there will be a second season. I just wonder how they’re going to integrate the Crows and still have them be connected somehow to the Alina. NIKOLAI AND WYLAN aka two of my favorite characters better be in the second season. 

Overall this show was an absolute EXPERIENCE to watch. The show is actually able to improve the books which is something that a lot of adaptations don’t do. All of the actors did such a great job in portraying their characters and watching their interviews together and them interact with each other on social media makes me so happy. I 10/10 recommend for you to watch the series, especially if you have read the books and are a fan of Leigh Bardugo’s. 

#shadow and bone #six of crows #s&b tv series #leigh bardugo #netflix

[due4amiracle]

Day 234

Listo:

Wash 2 plates/bowls/pieces of silverware, 2 chapters, Dailies, Vamp shiz, 2 anime eps.

Wash 2 plates/bowls/pieces of silverware - Unfortunately, not MUCH much, but a little bit at least. Emptied the left sink. Small victories. Finger hurts a lot in water. Sadness. ✔

2 chapters - Cast in Conflict by Michelle Sagara 42%, The Once and Future Witches by Alix E. Harrow 26%, Shattered Bonds by Faith Hunter 18%. Really enjoying all three of these stories. TOaFW is doing a bit of bouncing around between the three sisters - but it’s ONLY three, and i can deal with that. That’s my limit, three. And i’m enjoying it!✔

Dailies - Waifu Did my dailies! Also, level 50 BP now~! AND! Tree lvl 10! New week new weeklies! Got in and grabbed my primos, but other than that, nada. FFXIV did mah dailies~ MSQ +0 -> 63, BTN +2 -> 66, CUL +1 -> 70, WVR +1 -> 66, GSM +1 -> 64, FSH +2 -> 47, MIN +1 -> 54, ALC +1 -> 20, LTW +3 -> 28, ARM +2 -> 24, CRP +2 -> 22, BSM +1 -> 20. 4/5 ARR BTs completed. Sahagin 186/510, Rank 3/4 Friendly, Vath 510/510 Rank 3/9 Friendly. Still haven't done my job quests, which is fine. Have the rank up quest for Vath, ready to turn in tomorrow. Quests will get done. Tomorrow.✔✔

Vamp shiz - i mean, outside of "i'm still camped out at the person's place"... Nope. 🚫

2 anime eps - Kobayashi-san Chi no Maid Dragon! Two episodes! Yay! Finally~ Will be moving on to episode 6&7/13 :3c ✔

Other things - Slept decently last night, pooped today, am exhausted, finger hurts, ears hurt, head hurts, right knee hurts, did not do well on liquid today, but it is as it is, had to restart my computer multiple times today, which is obnoxious, but it is as it is. i am very tired, very cog foggy. Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be as tomorrow will be.

Food: A Liquid: B Pain: B Brain: B

Tomorrow: Wash 2 plates/bowls/pieces of silverware, 2 chapters, Dailies, Vamp shiz, 2 anime eps.

Ever Onwards and Upwards!

#Multiple Sclerosis #ADHD #OCD #Arthritis #Spoonie #Daily #FFXIV #Cast in Conflict by Michelle Sagara #The Once and Future Witches by Alix E. Harrow #Shattered Bonds by Faith Hunter #Kobayashi-san Chi no Maid Dragon #Food: A #Liquid: B #Pain: B #Brain: B #joints ache #aches and pains #ears ache #right knee #cog fog #exhausted #overwhelmed

[life-rewritten]

Flower of Evil-The irony of Baek Hee Sung

A Hand To Hold

Episode 9 and 10 and 11 is when the show Flower of evil becomes the best so far it has been. With emotional growth, angst and depth to characters in a way that one could not predict. As a thriller, it does what it's expected to do, it keeps us on our toes, trying to guess how the characters will react to situations we already have information on. Episode 9-11 have focused primarily on Ji Won's ability to accept and understand her husband's new identity. She decided to let go of the marriage only to realise that he's not the label the world put on him, but a human who had to do what he did to survive, she also finally sees that even if he thinks he doesn't love her, his actions are enough for her. This is why the most touching visuals of the show was the camera on the two holding each other's hands tightly. 

Especially episode 11, when the truth is revealed to all our characters, Hyun So clings unto Ji Won's hand to help calm down and think about their relationship. Hyun So confesses also that he loves Ji Won repeating his gesture holding her hand and kissing it to show his heart. Lastly, they hold hands as the police officer tries to separate him and her away. To understand why this is so important (as a last visual in the show), we have to return back to the findings of the episode. Understanding the irony of Hyun Soo's life so far:

Just a pawn

The first critical information that was relayed is again about the terrible desolation of Do Hyun Soo. About how much of a victim of life he is because of the people he has had to deal with. The truth comes out terrifyingly, it seems that everyone apart from his sister (though we can argue that in a sense) has been out to use him for their own gain; emotionally, physically and mentally. He has thought that he had people on his side, perhaps not to trust but to actually have control of the situation and work together to help the two parties and be safe. However, everyone, he thought he could trust had been using him  like a pawn in a messed up chess game.

Mentally:

First of all, we have the truth about his father or well the semi truth so far. His father relished in the fact that he had a pause in emotional growth. We see his father trying to lead him into hurting animals, trying to push all the stuff he has to avoid as someone who struggles with perceived ASPD onto him and encouraging him to do so. We see a hint to a traumatic event and his development as a child. This suggested that even his own father used his perceived disorder for his own gain.  This is just from assumptions of the flashback,  I am still unsure if his father was actually as cruel as we are made to think especially by Baek Hee Sung who said he felt threatened by him. 

It's fascinating because Hee Sung is the same age as Hyun Soo, and so him being the accomplice is him essentially taking over as the son that the father probably required, the cruelness or the coldness the father wanted from Hyun Soo from the start. So we start to see that Baek Hee Sung is the foil of Hyun Soo; who people view as someone with violent/killing tendencies because of his condition, father, and family/incidents that linked him to murder. When in reality Hee Sung is the actual full manifestation of what the people think Hyun Soo is. The difference is he's protected by the things that are Hyun Soo's own downfall according to society;

PRIVILEGE OF BAEK HEE SUNG

CONDITION: It's because Hyun Soo grew up in the village where people had a lack of knowledge or understanding about his disorder, so they continued to abuse and hurt him thinking he was possessed. His condition was seen as someone with no feelings and violent tendencies who hurts life and doesn't feel bad at breaking things. On the other hand, Baek Hee Sung's condition (if he has one), is hidden by success and praise (his own psychological mindset leads him to be a genius, good at calculating and it makes him a champion. He is praised for his own oddness/coldness because it doesn't matter,  he's a genius essentially and so is viewed as  needed in society. He's also in the city where it's more difficult for people to be in his business or care about whatever issues he may have. Even if he had a tendency to hurt or maim like Hyun Soo, his parents would ensure that his secret won't get out.  His condition also leads him to easily help his sister escape as the murderer of the village head and so she also without meaning uses his condition as a way to avoid being on the run. 

FATHER:  Do Min Seok, the father of our protagonist was later revealed as a serial killer who committed suicide, and even his sister suffered the brunt of it (being dumped by Moo Jin because he saw her as disgusting). The Baek family status and reputation are insanely high, his father is a director of a hospital, trusted and seen as someone who heals not hurts. His wealth can buy out people and manipulate others to do his bidding. What's most important is that he might also be in on the murder  (I still think this) because he has a phone which connects him to the source of the people that are killed and bought by Min Seok and Hee Sung. The Baek Family are secretive and ensure that no trace comes back to them and so they are protected and viewed by society as trustworthy. This is also sadly seen in episode 11 when  Hae So relays her ideas of the accomplice to them without a doubt. 

FAMILY: The status of his father and the incidents that followed him are essentially what makes him hunted by people as the accomplice. The death of the village head is what essentially frames him as a murderer, to protect his sister he takes the fall for it and goes on the run. On the other hand, Baek Hee Sung is the one covered by the family,; his father is colluding with the source of the murders and ensuring that it's all done in secret, the last victim he actually killed ended up disappearing, and the person who he worked with to kill is even dead. And he instead frames that person as the reason for why he murdered people because he was threatened into doing so. It is ironic that Hyun So is taking the blame as a killer for family, whilst Hee Sung is removing the responsibility and playing victim to get his family to help protect him. One is protecting, while one is being saved because of privilege of wealth and status.

IRONY OF THE IDENTITY OF BAEK HEE SUNG

Physically 

This is still the same conversation about the character dynamics and shadowing of both Hyun Soo and Hee Sung. So after his father is announced dead because of 'suicide'. Hyun Soo goes on the run because of the murder of the village foreman. The contrast to when these two meets are incredible, Hyun Soo has nothing and is now on the run. Meanwhile, the real killer/accomplice is in the car, chill as can be and is planning another murder. Their collision is such an essential part of this story because it plays on dramatic irony and also fate and karma. But because of this meeting, we assume after a while Hee Sung enters a coma and in other to protect his secrets Hyun Soo who has met the family thinks he has an opportunity for the family and offers his face and  body to be of use. This is how he is manipulated and used physically without knowing, his body build, complexion, age and even they make him dye his hair to look just like a mirror image of Hee Sung, his actual foil/mirror character. He assumes the real accomplice name, identity and ironically becomes the thing he's trying not to be linked with ;his father's accomplice, a serial killer and a cold, heartless one. Ironic right? This is so brilliant and painful at the same time. Ironically as much as Baek Hee Sung identity provided him with a new life, kid and wife, a new place to start it actually was just him being the very thing he was trying to avoid. The thing he wanted the most is the thing he also dreaded the most. 

Emotionally

it doesn't end there. The Baek Family actually also use his  emotional state, they convince him to stay far away from people, avoid falling in love and if he does use it to his advantage, and they continue to use the fact that he's not emotionally available for their own benefit. Because he will be more willing to be cruel, to help make things easy for them, to pin crimes on and to manipulate into doing dirty deeds because he has no feelings. This is why the father automatically asks him to kill the taxi driver  in episode 4because he knows too much. As long as there are no emotional ties, he won't be an issue, he threatens and asks him to move far away without his family, mind you and start afresh. To just keep running and accepting the fact that he's doomed to not have anyone. The messed up thing about this is that his own son is probably that way. The doctor is also likely that way. Both are emotionally stunted determined to do what it takes to protect his name and status. The difference is his son actually murdered people and framed others for it. 

THE FLOWERS OF EVIL

So where does that bring us? Why is so important that we have these two fated characters as a message of the show. The idea of the show is called the flower of evil. The idea that something pleasant, and perceived as good/attractive is actually full of evil/negative connotations. The dramatic irony is that Hyun So actually is a  perceived flower of evil, and suffers because of it when in reality he's just the flower in evil, forced to grow and sustain even though the environment is harsh and evil. We have the Baek Family especially Hee Sung, he's the actual flower of evil, the real perceived pleasant and the thing that is actually tainted and born of evil intentions. 

We still have a few more episodes to go to understand if he's tarnished by his own family surroundings (perhaps cracking down due to pressure from his family to succeed in maths, or possibly being born a psychopath and being allowed to be one because it makes him smart, successful and significant, or perhaps he is right and he's just being forced into it by Do Min Seok) 

Either way it is all again focused back to the failure of the adults in society, of parents and how they view or use mental health and manipulate it for their own gain which in this case Yikes. 

This is why we have Ji Won who comes in to give Hyun Soo-an actual hand to hold, someone who doesn't use him or need him for evil but actually loves and sees him. Them holding each other hands and Hyun Soo having someone who just wants to hold his hand and protect him is powerful. In the end, even though he thought it was the identity of Baek Hee Sung (the flower) that is the reason for his family and happiness, it's actually the real Do Hyun Soo who has the detective wife who will fight for him and a daughter who will love him. And that's beautiful. 

#flower of evil #kdrama #kdramanet #lee joon gi #moon chae won #analysis #do hyun soo #baek hee sung #cha ji won

[sadviper]

2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Succumbing to peer pressure, haha, thank you @rain-hat, @smylealong, @ibelongtomousse, @macgyver-sheriff, @avauntus for tagging me~

It seems the common refrain is that this was the year everyone exploded into massive creative productivity after years of nothing, which is the exact same story for myself. I had read all the strategies of course: write 5 min a day, 1 sketch a day, don’t think about quality, do *something* just to keep the spark alive, etc etc, but it just got worse and worse. Honestly, I had been feeling so dire about it that I had made up my mind to stop trying anymore, because it was so depressing to try and fail so many times that it was much better to not hope at all.

Buuuuut.....then quarantine and telework happened, and woooah, guess what, all I needed was LOTS of time and space to myself where I’m not wasting it in an office checking emails and doing random training to fill all the downtime!!!

Much thanks to the serendipity that had me stumbling into @rain-hat , reading her early JY/KSR fics, and her encouraging me to go ahead and write that office yearly budget oneshot for TKEM (who writes BUDGET fics?? Who reads them???? lol). That’s not in my list here because it was very new and awkward, it was definitely the ball that got everything rolling.

Cut for super long-winded rambling:

1) Before There Was Zero (TKEM)

This was my first big fanfic in my life, and my most popular, and it absolutely gushed out of me in this massive torrent of *I MUST WRITE* where I would walk around at lunchtime giggling to myself, and type on my phone as I went, or wake up at 1am to scrawl something in a notebook in the dark because I couldn’t stop the words from coming. (How I miss that feeling now! ;__;) Actually, it also is the 2nd fully complete long-form story I had ever completed as well, so...lots of milestones here.

Looking back, it clearly was the product of my years of bottled up silence, where I stewed and dragged myself to the office every day wondering if I was going to calcify in a bureaucracy for the rest of my life (yes). But even as an office drone, I learned a lot of valuable lessons in how to manage, what leadership actually is at the worker bee level, the types of games white-collar workers play, and how to be a decent co-worker (and by extension, a decent human being--I don’t believe it’s possible to separate work life and private life. All your personas are you). It wasn’t all a waste after all!

Somehow I connected my day-to-day to the faceless, long-suffering Royal guardsmen in TKEM, headed by the utterly gorgeous, devastating, thoroughly underutilized, comedic prop military action star Jo Yeong, and thought--yeah! :D

2) Nil Desperandum (TKEM)

My biggest fic by far, full novel length at this point, massive in scope, I don’t even know how I came up with it based on the 10 collective seconds of screen time that Jeong Tae-ra and tyrant Jin got as a joke, but I was clearly still on that dam-gushing-pent-up-creative-high because this idea was fighting me when I was in the middle of writing “Before There Was Zero”.

I actually figured out the title while watching “Call the Midwives” where one of the peppy, indefatigable British nurses said to never despair, and I thought, yes, that’s it. All the horrible things I put my tyrantverse characters through, it was only so that when I save them at the end, it will be completely worth it. It’s a bit more violent (nothing beyond My Country levels tho) and quite emotionally dark, but I also tried to inject a lot of friendship, humor, and love into it as well, because there must always be hope.

For My Country fandom friends who didn’t realize, the tyrant!Yeong in this fic is essentially modernAU!Seon-ho, and I lifted Sung-rok entirely from My Country to be tyrant!Yeong’s second-in-command and loyal-superstar-extraordinaire. Writing them in this modern AU, and seeing the positive reception to Sung-rok’s grouchy, dogged devotion was the start of my love spiral for Sung-rok. <3 <3

3) The Veritable Records of King Taejo (My Country)

Going to cheat and lump 3 fics (soon to be 4) into one link. I rested a little bit after “Nil Desperandum” because I had completely emptied myself out at that point, just a husk of an author shell. Then I started poking out oneshots! Each one got progressively harder to write, lol, the creative gas tank was running out of juice, so I had to really start figuring out new strategies as a writer to keep going. One magic tool was coercing recruiting @rain-hat to beta for me, and WOW, THE BEST???? Who would’ve thought it’d be FUN to be edited!!! <3 Due to her efforts, I could avoid the “no beta we die like Liaodong” tag, hahaha.

I grew up watching cop shows, lawyer shows, monster-of-the-day shows, endless procedurals-- so I was super miffed that the drama would imply that Seon-ho spent YEARS just single-mindedly chasing private armies??! No! I want more family and friends development for this sad, dramatic whump child! I want him to be smarter than the show, inherently brilliant despite the stupid he descends into, and be recognized as such by the people who do recognize his value! And I want them all to be happy with no pointless death!

Also, the 4th WIP is now a Sung-rok lovefest written as an ode to his awesomeness, has stretched to 47K+ words, and is being an absolute royal pain to finish. ;__; All the ease and creative fervor from earlier? GONE. I’m a lone salmon flopping upstream on a ladder. I might get eaten before I finish laying my eggs. Any one have tips to get over this?

4) First Translation of Woo Do Hwan Japanese Interviews

More firsts! So much thanks to @ibelongtomousse to inspiring and encouraging me to do some real translating after talking to her about her sublime TKEM fics and translations thereof, and @staidwaters from emerging from the Internet depths to boost/correct my neophyte efforts! I’m now chomping at the bit to do more, even though I may ultimately discover that these interviews have absolutely nothing interesting to say, lol. But my first priority is simply to get better at the language, and 2nd priority is to soak in the words (and photos) of Woo Do Hwan, hahahah. Also, as far as I can tell, no one is filling this niche, so I guess I’ll keep going??

5) Fanart!

I started drawing again! As a procrastination tactic from writing oneshots, but it still was really nice to see that I hadn’t lost the touch entirely. I feel like I’ve mentioned this here and there, but writing wasn’t my first interest--drawing was. Animals first, then people once I discovered anime/manga. I went all into drawing comics, only to face the hard reality that I didn’t know how to tell a story end-to-end. Hence how I started trying to write. Along the way, things happened--I got RSI and had to stop drawing/writing for awhile. I discovered that pictures are NOT worth a thousand words, esp when it comes to long-form comics; my preferred tools of trade (dip pens) ended up exacerbating my RSI problems; then once I got a handle on my RSI, I found I could type faster than I can ever draw, and so here I am. I saw what @convenientalias was doing with their My Country werewolf fic though, so I am excited to try that for my Sung-rok WIP? :D

I think I’m the last hold out among artist/writer friends in answering this wrap-up, hope you enjoyed reading!

#meme #fic meta #2020 accomplishments

[kayliemusing]

30

1: Name - Kaylie

2: Age - 23

3: 3 Fears - Spiders, failure, loss

4: 3 things I love - Reading, writing, Taylor Swift

5: 4 turns on - Kindness, nice hands, humor, someone who has a really warm heart.

6: 4 turns off - Arrogance, moustaches lmao, narcissism, basket ball shorts *shudders*

7: My best friend - Her name is Megan (but also my mom lmao)

8: Sexual orientation - Heterosexual

9: My best first date - I have never been on a date.

10: How tall am I - 5'2

11: What do I miss - My childhood mostly

12: What time were I born - 2:45 pm

13: Favorite color - Red, but sometimes a nice summery, pastel yellow

14: Do I have a crush - no

15: Favorite quote - I have so many that I can't say my utmost favourite, but one that I always think about is from Richard Siken "He was pointing at the moon but I was looking at his hand." I'm not even sure how this is supposed to be interpreted, but I just love the detail of this. Of someone looking at the moon and pointing at it, but you're looking at their hand because you're that consumed by them and also they're like your moon. anyway-

16: Favorite place - My house lol

17: Favorite food - Cheesecake

18: Do I use sarcasm - Yes, but very dryly

19: What am I listening to right now - Nothing actually. I'm just sitting in the quiet.

20: First thing I notice in new person - I used to think it was physical, like eyes or their smile, but I think it's actually their demeanor. i.e., confidence, if they're laid back, talkative or quiet, etc. Or even just how they handle things. Like when I'm at work and I meet a new co-worker I'm always noticing how they are with people.

21: Shoe size - 6.5 US but I can manage a 7 US too.

22: Eye color - Grey

23: Hair color - Ashy blonde, but I usually get it highlighted to be a brighter blonde

24: Favorite style of clothing - I'm super into the French girl vibe right now (elegany, classy, ribbed sweaters tucked into high waisted jeans or dress pants, a blazer thrown over and a nice gold necklace) but I'm also really into a summery boho look (flowy maxi dresses and skirts)

25: Ever done a prank call? No

27: Meaning behind my URL - On this account, it's just my name and then 'muses' because this account is just me talking to myself tbh. My main account is called autumnsletters which is just a combo of my fav things: autumn and handwritten love letters, and finally, my embarrassing taylor swift account is called sixteenavenue which is a lyric from her song I Think He Knows where she mentions her heart skipping down sixteenth avenue.

28: Favorite movie - I feel like i don't have one answer bc I always have a different answer to this question lmao. I think it's called A Christmas Carol (the 2009 version w/ Jim Carrey). It just makes me feel cozy and warm inside. Also: Clueless.

29: Favorite song - All Too Well by Taylor Swift I think.

30: Favorite band - Of Monsters and Men

31: How I feel right now - I actually feel really happy today, which is a change lol. I had an awful week last week, but over the last couple of days I've just felt more creative and happier.

32: Someone I love - My mom

33: My current relationship status - Single

34: My relationship with my parents - Excellent.

35: Favorite holiday - Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing i have -0 :'(

37: Tattoos and piercing i want - I want to get my ears pierced again bc the holes grew over. Low key want a nose piericing and low key want a tattoo on my collarbone (or somewhere around there)

38: The reason I joined Tumblr - Because everyone else had it and I felt left out LOL

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? - I don't have an ex

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - No

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - No i've never been kissed rip

42: When did I last hold hands? - never but it's ok bc i can hold my own hand

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - Depending on what I'm doing. If I showered the night before and I'm just doing a very low-maintenance look, roughly 15-20 mins. On a normal day in which I shower in the morning and am trying to actually be presentable, roughly an hour.

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days? - Have YOU shaved MY legs? No. Have I shaved my own? Yes

45: Where am I right now? - My room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - Most likely I'm not drunk, but IF I WAS, it would be my friend, my mom, or my sister (my sister would probs make fun of me and film me tho tbh)

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - Loud if I'm jamming with nothing else to do but sing along. If I'm trying to do something, I'll turn it down bc I can't focus with loud music (especially if I'm trying to write something/talk to someone/text someone)

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - My mom bc my dads dead

49: Am I excited for anything? - My sister and I are going to Banff in about three weeks so I'm excited for a getaway.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - No

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? - I work in retail so

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - I don't know. I think I hugged my mom at some point this week lol

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - Bye bye babyyyy

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - my cat

55: What is something I disliked about today? - I had to go to work

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - Taylor Alison Swift baby

57: What do I think about most? - Probably Taylor Swift.

58: What’s my strangest talent? - I can make stomach gurgling noises with my mouth closed.

59: Do I have any strange phobias? - Nah, pretty generic ones

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - Behind the camera

61: What was the last lie I told? - Some lady asked if a product was good and I said yes so I wouldn't have to help her find another one

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - Neither what the hell

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - Neither

64: Do I believe in magic? - No

65: Do I believe in luck? - No

66: What's the weather like right now? - It's calm, but a little cloudy. It was really warm and sunny earlier, but it's gotten a little grey.

67: What was the last book I've read? - I just finished this series called The Winner's Curse by Marie Rutkoski and it was so good but so stressful omg. Still 5/5 stars.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? - Yes

69: Do I have any nicknames? - Not really, but sometimes my coworkers call my Kayls

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had? - Oh my god when I was like 10 I fell during grounders and the bar hit me right on the cooch. Most painful event of my entire life.

71: Do I spend money or save it? - Spend it bitch

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - No

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? - yes!! my blanket!!

74: Favorite animal? - I love hippos and I don't know why.

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - Reading on my phone to avoid sleeping so I could prolong not going to work

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - Devil. Kind of like Satan The Devil is his full name

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - Shake It Off

78: How can you win my heart? - Learning Taylor Swift's entire discography for my sake

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - tbh I really don't know

80: What is my favorite word? - Wonderstruck

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - n/a

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - stream fearless taylor's version

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - Healing

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - N/A

86: What is my current desktop picture? - it's a misty forest

87: Had sex? - no

88: Bought condoms? - no

89: Gotten pregnant? - no

90: Failed a class? - yes

91: Kissed a boy? - no

92: Kissed a girl? - no

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - no but it's a dream

94: Had a job? - I've had two so far

95: Left the house without my wallet? - Yes, sometimes I do it on purpose so I can make my mom pay for something lmao (chill i'm talking something small like candy)

96: Bullied someone on the internet? - no

97: Had sex in public? - no

98: Played on a sports team? - no

99: Smoked weed? - no

100: Did drugs? - no

101: Smoked cigarettes? - no

102: Drank alcohol? - yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - no

104: Been overweight? - I feel overweight, but technically no

105: Been underweight? - No

106: Been to a wedding? - Yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? - Yes, but not since I was younger. I'm mostly on my phone now.

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? - Oh yeah lmao

109: Been outside my home country? - No

110: Gotten my heart broken? - Yes

111: Been to a professional sports game? - No

112: Broken a bone? - No

113: Cut myself? - Yes

114: Been to prom? - Sort of. I'm Canadian so I had grad.

115: Been in airplane? - No

116: Fly by helicopter? - No

117: What concerts have I been to? - Jonas Brothers when I was about 10 lmao and Marianas Trench when I was 15

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? - No

119: Learned another language? - Tried to

120: Wore make up? - Yes. I do work at a makeup store.

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? - no

122: Had oral sex? - no

123: Dyed my hair? - not a funky color, no

124: Voted in a presidential election? - Sort of; I voted for a prime minister

125: Rode in an ambulance? - Yes

126: Had a surgery? - No

127: Met someone famous? - No

128: Stalked someone on a social network? - No

129: Peed outside? - No

130: Been fishing? - No

131: Helped with charity? - Yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? - No bc I never fessed up to any crush lol

133: Broken a mirror? - No

134: What do I want for birthday? - A jewelry box

#survey

[beautiulemeraldcreature]

Welcome to my house Scene 2

Its been weeks since I’ve written the ever so explicit epilogue leading up to the a bit exaggerated story of my conquests and ever so rising number of people who would hate for me to tell the whole truth of my story so I’ll use code names for the mitches and bitches who help me turn my life into a shit show but first I’m going to explain why I’ve been missing for some weeks. My story’s are meant to be shared even if I do only have just one fan! Shout out to you Because you’re the real MVP.

My feelings are harder to hurt these days and I know its because with every betrayal I become colder and more distant and I often ask my self does the world deserve this part of me? Why is it that the world asks so much of us but the world isn’t supposed to owe us shit?! It’s a legit question to me! People say M why arent you blessing the world with your many talents? and I say well when ever I try the world chews me up and spits me out and then wants to try it again to see if the taste was just bitter. They look at me crazy while my tone sounds sarcastic there is truth in it. Its true that we’re a little insane. Do you ever feel sorry for yourself and then 20 mins later tell yourself to suck it up buttercup? I don’t I self loathe for at least 48 hrs . I try to tell my self that I’m allowing myself to mourn all of the things holding me back spiritually and emotionally. Oh yea I didn’t mention that this shit show is a mellow drama with a dash of stranger things. I’m flaying your minds with emotion. Like most people on this planet I’m getting through a lot of heart ache and self sabotage. I have to say the man I’m mourning really did a number on me on all levels. He literally broke me and then kicked the pieces so it would be hard to find and put back together much like a jigsaw puzzle in organized if you can picture that. So I’m down on my knees looking like the peasant girl from a Disney movie except I don’t have a freaking side kick or talking emotional support animal to help me pick up the pieces. So yea I’m bitter but at least I don’t want to be. At least not to his replacement. Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone is what my toxic alter ego says to me. Now anyone who has had depression or been around someone with depression knows that being alone 9 times out of 10 is a bad idea in a broken state of mind. All the submissive blow jobs and home cooked meals couldn’t get him to stay. Did I mentioned I also lost his baby… like daaaammmnnnn I was fucked up in the head after that. Looks like I’ve finally stopped hiding my pain and embracing it. Guess now would be the time to lay all of my past failures to fucking rest in peace. Once I started asking the right questions my toxic alter ego decides she now has pride am I a narcissistic bitch? Maybe? Why do I attract narcissistic people? Do I want to be this way oh my Gosh bitch stop asking yourself so many fucking questions and come up with the answers and solutions. For those of you out here reading this dramatic rant well I needed this it is finally time for me to clap back and keep fighting the good fight. Story of my life well I’m all ways in the wrong even when I mean well. Even when I’m being provoked. so how about the toxic side not giving these people the amo for a change. Let them run out of amo and see me holding all the bullets because what’s a gun with no bullets silly rabbit. Some how even if I have nothing but bullets the story flips on me and its omg everybody run Emeralds upset she’s got a gun! And when I’m left standing here alone I thank the man or woman upstairs that I am not them and they are not me. Numerous bubble baths made by men who only wanted the fresh coochie that came out of it. A quiet little bitch, always intimidated by a strong woman. So now that we are getting back on course with the story I can start to sound less like a drunk raving lunatic. I was having trouble believing in myself the same way I used to 10 years ago. The decade has been a cyclone to Oz and wonderland and sometimes even Jupiters 300 years storm. I guess I spent my whole 20’s self sabotaging and now its time for my claim to success even if I have to be lonely for a while to get it. I have to change this pattern. So to anyone reading this going through a tough time remember you can only battle the things you can control. Let go of those negative thoughts and people that consume you. Always remember you are not always the problem nor the answer. And don’t be like me and become bitter avoid it if you can, work through it if you can’t. And again Welcome to my house!

#inspiration #humor #history #physics #funny #vulture culture #lovers #friends #i hate it here #funny shit #this is such a shitshow