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greatooglymooglyyy · 1 month

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The Last Ride Chapter Four (AU Cowboy!C.Sturniolo)

summary: when spoiled and sheltered city girl Y/N finds herself in running in the wrong crowd, her dad gives her an ultimatum. it's either spend the summer of her gap year on her uncle's ranch or face being cut off and finding a job. just when she thinks it can't get any worse, she meets Chris, the brooding farmhand who thinks he knows her type. but as the summer goes on, they both realize there may be more to the other than meets the eye.

requested and advised by @rootbeerworshiper

contains: angst, verbal fighting, feelings of loneliness, general sadness, fluff, parental issues, 2.1k words

a/n: sheesh. that's all i gotta say

the last ride masterlist

For the first time in my life, my alarm wakes me up on my birthday. Instead of forcing myself to get up quickly how I’ve trained myself to, I allow myself a few moments to stare up at the ceiling, dreading the lack of notifications on my phone.

My dad had sent out a quick and haphazard message the night before, not even waiting until midnight, and I’m under no delusion that anyone else cares enough to call.

Sighing, I push myself up out of the bed and head to the shower, longing for the chance to have some part of me feel brand new.

When I’m out and dressed, I stare in the mirror for an embarrassing amount of time. I turn my face from side to side, smoothing my fingertips over nonexistent wrinkles and laugh lines that should be deeper. Every year, I hope that I’ll look into my reflection and see someone different. I cross my fingers for a version of myself that feels wiser, kinder, and more comfortable in her skin. But standing here now, freshly nineteen, the only thing I see is a girl who’s running out of time.

****************************

After a very uneventful breakfast, I head out to meet Chris to help with the fence repairs. I’m hoping he’s in the mood to take it easy on me today but of course, he’s feeling the opposite.

From the moment I hop in the pickup truck, he’s throwing task after task at me. By the time the sun is high in the sky, I’m exhausted and defeated. But when I lean against the wall for a second, Chris happens to come around the corner, scowling. “We ain’t got time to lay around today, Scotch. We’re behind on yields.”

“I wasn’t-”

“Go take some hay out to the boys at the stables. Take the pickup truck and I’ll have someone drop me around there in a second.” He cuts in, tossing me the keys and walking away before I can respond.

I grit my teeth to keep from throwing curses at his back and do what he said, motivated by excitement to visit the horses.

When I walk in, all I see is chaos. Cinnamon’s got a mean grip on some poor guy’s shirt and is refusing to release him.

“Let me go, you mean old bastard!” The boy howls. Why he doesn’t just take his shirt off and charge it as a loss? I don’t know.

Another worker brandishes a whip to scare her into letting go but Cinnamon doesn’t even flinch. My kind of woman.

Despite how entertained I am, I decide to intervene, hoping my girl still has a soft spot for me. Cautiously, I approach and coo for her attention. She seems to physically relax at the sight of me so I reach out and stroke the side of her face until she releases him. When she does, I reach down for her treats and feed her some, offering praise. “Good girl. What’d that bad man do to you? Huh?”

“I ain’t do a thing to that monster!” He wails, scrambling up from where he fell when she let him go. I ignore his whining and tell the boys about the hay before turning my attention back to Cinnamon. I notice she’s still wearing her head collar, which is probably what he was trying to remove, so I take it off for her and she neighs in satisfaction.

Someone clears their throat behind me and I groan internally, knowing who it is before I even turn.

“Did you not hear me when I said we had a busy day?” Chris asks, his voice rough with irritation. I sigh before giving him a brief explanation, even though I know he won’t care.

He doesn’t say anything for a second but then walks over, his voice softening slightly. “Alright. Go help them unload before I dock your pay.”

****************************

When it’s time for lunch, we do what’s become our custom and sit together in the bed of the truck to eat. Sometimes the other ranch hands join us, crowding around and telling inside jokes, but most days it’s just the two of us.

Today, we eat in comfortable silence, my mind too full of self-pitying sadness to conjure up conversation. Chris nudges me with his shoulder and I look over. “What’s up with you today? Missing on the mall?”

I roll my eyes at his joke, the small barb cutting me more than it would any other day. “I’m sick of you acting like it’s impossible for me to have any depth.”

He laughs, not picking up on my tone. “C’mon, Y/N. You’re as deep as an autumn puddle, darlin’.

Anger pours over me like a cold shower and I slide off the truck, packing up my trash. “Fuck you, Chris.”

“Whoa.” He says, eyes widening. “Relax. It was a joke.”

“Was it?” I ask glaring.

“I mean…” He sighs and takes off his hat to scratch his head. “I’m just sayin’. You’ve had it easy. Perfect parents who gave you the perfect life. Not all of us have it that good.”

It’s my turn to laugh at the audacity he has to make statements like that about my life. “You know what, Chris? You’re right. I’ve been privileged. I’ve been lucky. But what do you know about my life? What’s so perfect about it? Is it the friends that couldn’t care less about me? My parents? You mean the woman who ran out on us when I was ten? Have you ever spent your birthday waiting on the stairs for your mother to come back because you convinced yourself she wouldn’t miss it?”

I scoff in disgust, despising the sympathetic look on his face. “Or did you mean my dad? The one who spent my entire life throwing gifts at me and then punished me for being who he raised me to be? So fucking perfect. Thanks for pointing that out.”

Chris opens and shuts his mouth twice, finally speechless. He reaches out a hand as if to pull into him. “Scotch-”

I back away so he can’t touch me. “Save it. God. You are so self-righteous about who you think I am. But all you’ve done since I got here is pretend you know everything about me.”

I storm off, spotting my uncle and asking him if I could work under him instead today.

“Did you talk to Chris about it?” He asks hesitantly, looking over my shoulder at him. I nod quickly and he raises an eyebrow, clearly seeing through me. But at the look of desperation on my face, he caves and points me towards the goats.

****************************

When Aunt Birdie calls me for dinner, I’m tempted to tell her I’m not hungry but I know she will insist. I didn’t even stop to speak to her when I got off this afternoon, just ran into my room and sunk into a bath.

I step into the kitchen with my eyes low so it’s a genuine shock when they yell out “Happy birthday”. My eyes are full of wonder when Aunt Birdie comes over with a beautiful jumbo cupcake from the local bakery. She’s placed a “19” candle in the center and hands me a lighter to make a wish.

I think about it for a second. “Can I maybe save it for later?”

“Of course, bunny. It’s your birthday. You make the rules.” Aunt Birdie answers sweetly, pushing my hair out of my face.

I look down at the cupcake again, my eyes getting teary. “I didn’t think you remembered.”

“Oh, honey. Like your dad would ever let us forget. ‘Sides, ain’t a year passed since you’ve been on this earth that I ain’t mailed you out a card.” Uncle Buck chimes in.

And it’s all I have not to shatter into a million pieces on the floor.

****************************

That night I sit crisscrossed in my bed thinking over my wish. The lamplight tinges the room yellow and it just makes me sadder.

I pick up the lighter, my hands shaking as I spark it. I close my eyes, feeling childish but not willing to risk wasting my wish.

“I wish to never feel this alone again.” I whisper, my voice quivering before I blow out the fire. As soon as I do, whatever was keeping me together inside snaps and I fall apart.

I put the cupcake on the nightstand and curl around myself, sobbing until I shake into my pillow. I stay like that until I feel like there are no tears left in my body until the sobs turn to sniffling hiccups.

Just as I start to calm down I hear a sharp knock on my window and sit up. I wipe my face quickly and peer out, staying far back in case I have to yell for my uncle.

“It’s me.” A voice calls and I step closer on instinct. Chris is kneeling in the grass outside my window, his face pressed close to the glass.

Confused, I unlatch the window and slide it up, going to my knees so we can be at eye level. He leans his head into my room, his hair covered by a new trucker hat and a gold chain dangling from his neck.

I look down at my pajamas and cringe. He would come to my window on washday. My eyes must be bloodshot from the way I just cried but Chris doesn’t comment. He just crosses his arms on the windowsill, looking past me into the room.

“You decorated.” He notes with a small smile, nodding at the new rug and bedspread. I’d hardly call it interior design.

“Well, you know me. Too shallow to leave well enough alone.” I answer bitterly, bracing a hand against the wall.

Chris’ face drops at this and he rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah, about that… I owe you an apology. It was a cheap shot even without knowing the whole story.”

“Mhm.” I agree, still a bit too petty to accept his apology. The silence between us becomes a bit awkward for a second before I speak. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“Is that really how you see me? Just a surface level city broad?” I ask quietly after a beat and my heart hammers when he hesitates.

“Do you want me to be honest?” He asks cautiously, using the same tone he approaches the bulls with. I nod, despite not knowing whether it’s the truth.

Chris turns his trucker hat backward, giving me a good look in his eyes and studying me before he answers. “I did at first. Now I reckon that’s just what you want everyone to think.”

His statement settles over me like the shine from a spotlight. But for once it doesn’t feel like an accusation.

“Anyway,” He starts, leaning back and picking up something from where it lays at his feet. “A little Birdie told me it was your birthday.”

Surprise must be all over my face because he grins from ear to ear as he hands me a wrapped rectangular box. I peel the paper off slowly, still in shock that he thought to get me anything and gasp when I see its shoes. Chris clears his throat like he’s nervous and I look back up at him. “Evie told me you liked hers so I just thought…” He trails off, picking at the paint on the windowsill.

I fling off the top excitedly and pull out the boots. They are gorgeous, almost an exact match to Evie’s except brown with a cut out of some flower along the side instead of a name.

“What flower is this?” I ask as I run my finger over the leather in wonder.

“Waterlilies. It’s your birth flower.” Chris answers before adding a low and embarrassed. “If you don’t like ‘em, it’s cool. I know it probably ain’t your style-”

I cut him off with a hug, wrapping my arms tight around his neck and burying my face in his shoulder. “Thank you, Chris. This means a lot.”

He freezes up at first but slowly returns my hug, pulling me closer. “Don’t mention it, Scotch.”

I finally pull away and wipe at my face, cursing myself for being so emotional today. Chris gives me a lopsided smile before he taps the window once and sighs. “I gotta get home. Get some sleep. We’ve got horses tomorrow.”

I grin back at him and nod, suddenly feeling a bit shy. “Okay. Goodnight, boss.”

When he’s gone, I pull the window back down and lock it before looking back down at the boots. I place them on my shoe rack, tossing a pair of my Ricks to the side to make room. I stare at them for a long while, the swirling feeling in my chest growing until I finally make myself go to sleep. And when I dream, it’s of fields of waterlilies.

🏷️/ @xoxo4chrisss @sturniolho @sttzee @tillies33ssss @miloisdone1 @sstvrnioloo @junnniiieee07 @sturnioloslurps @mrsmiagreer @asturniolos

@teapartyprincess4two @whicked-hazlatwhore @sukiipjs @accio326 @sturniolosmind @imfromthediningtable @st4rswrld @thvvluvr @sturnssmuts @littlenerdybee @sturniolossss @iloveneilperry @eclipzw @chrissloverrrrrrr16 @sstvrnioloo

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acknowledgetheabsurd · 1 year

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Today I had an almost physical need for your letter. How we need a board to hang on to. Luckily, it was as I wanted it and my heart warmed as I read it. I had a bad night, I couldn't sleep and woke up in a terrible mood, disgusted with everything and myself, my heart was finally bleak. The day was dark and icy. This land so bright in the light looked like a Parisian suburb. I went down to Grasse with Michel [Gallimard] who wanted to have his car repaired. I got a haircut and then we went back up. The anxiety was mounting. It seemed to me that Brazil's bad days were coming back and that only your presence could save me from them. Your letter, at least, saved me. It is soft and caressing and I understood that it was your tenderness that I missed and that I wished for. She was there, faithful, and I had a great surge of gratitude and love that threw me towards you.

I would also like to tell you about my day since yesterday. But there is nothing to say. It is the same days that are slowly dragging on, one after the other, towards that distant goal that I keep thinking about. Yes, it's hard to wait. Even harder to wait without being free to be who you are. I don't know if you understand how difficult, obnoxious, exhausting it is for me to live with ulterior motives, to be unnatural and abandoned. I can't be natural with F[rancine] who is not natural with me. And on all our relationships, even the most simple, there is a heavy silence. On all other planes of my life, I have forbidden myself and I have forbidden others any equivocation. And on this one, which is a serious one for all of us, I live in pure equivocation.

I admit it, and I bear it usually for our love. But there are hours and days, especially when circumstances contain me in this life, when I feel like bursting out, when I say to myself: "We have to talk - whatever the price". Every time I make the effort to dominate that glow, I dominate it. But at the cost of a terrible strain on the soul. Of course, it's only for a moment. I'm writing this to you so that you know everything of my love, even in its rebellion. In all this, there is only this love which keeps me upright, which saves me from everything and makes me live. Ah! Never take it away from me! And forgive me for inflicting these moods and ghostly vultures on you again.

I was moved to tears when I saw you apologize for the (relative) dryness of your last letters. I was sure of your love, and that dryness did not torment me for myself, but for you whom I thought of with all my tenderness. Be what you are, don't torment yourself writing more than you feel, and if one evening you get too tired, don't write. I live only from your letters, but I live mostly from your life. Now that we are living in certainty, it seems to me that at least we will be able to be natural. This total surrender of one heart to another, this quiet fullness of the soul, it is at least our victory and our reward. You see that I never hesitate to speak of what I feel and I can only do so because you have made me discover an unknown joy, that of roots, of the common ground, of the indissoluble union.

O my love, do not fight against images, live, be beautiful, write what your heart of the moment dictates to you, there are things that I will no longer doubt. This letter is a little sad. But you will feel the joy you bring me and it seems to me that it also speaks without respite about my love. I love you, I am waiting for you. Write, tell, say with all your heart. And let us await with confidence this hour, this night, this life finally happy and exultant. I kiss you, my dear love, my beautiful eyes, my living. Ah! How I'd like to fall asleep next to you...

Albert Camus to Maria Casarès, Correspondance, January 24, 1950 [#144]

#albert camus #camus #absurd #absurdism #maria casares #correspondance #love letters #love #heart #dark #anxiety #silence #soul #mood #tears #torment #joy #sad #sadness #melancholy

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pbandjesse · 7 months

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I am so wildly against doing anything right now. I have been saying I was going to write my post for over an hour. Instead I have just been watching trailers on TikTok for cartoons. And cuddling with sweetp. And today was great I'm just exhausted like physically. Brain still good but body does not want to go anywhere. Or do anything.

I slept okay last night. Having the noise from the fan helps a lot. And I was able to fall asleep pretty quickly. When my alarm went off I was a little woozy but I was okay. James had packed me a little lunch and I got dressed and I felt okay. My hair was still a little damp in the back which was surprising but it was fine. I got ready and asked James to switch the cup they had put my breakfast soda in. Because I did not want the black cup today. And I gave them a big hug and then we walked downstairs together and we smooched before they biked off.

They had gotten me a bagel from Dunkin' donuts and it was fine but the cream cheese was a little sour tasting. And I didn't love it but I appreciate it the food regardless. And while I was about 5 minutes late I did get the camp just about on time.

I went up to the art building first and changed my shoes and put my socks on. Not in that order. And then I were down to the office to meet everyone. We had a little meeting before we would head off for the day. Just kind of checking in about some of the kids and the plan and the schedule. And then we went over to the Erie to get all of our materials. I made a stop over at the art building to get my wagon because I did not want to carry things. And then, because Celia is a gem, she pull the wagon down to the Glen so I can go to the lodge to check in with our group and see how everyone was doing. She was very anxious about the program today because she had never let it and that is absolutely understandable so she wanted to go set things up that was totally fine with me. I didn't really feel like I needed to said anything out so I wasn't that pressed about it.

Groups all had to pack up the cabins and a few of them went over to my building and got a few more of my stuffed animals I had left outside. I only had like two kids approach me later and be like I did not get one I'm sad about it and I was like I'm really sorry there's no left! And I told them to go find the kids that have taken more than one because I'm sure at least two of them did. It's fine. Everyone was pretty happy and seems like they were all in a great mood. I sat on a picnic table on the side of the field and waited for the groups to be ready to go.

Once all the kids were collecting on the field and everyone was back to their groups We had it off. And my kids were very confident that they knew where they were going so I let them go out of me. And nobody fell or died so it was fine. We got to the table and I introduced water quality testing and while we were starting like 15 minutes later than originally planned it honestly worked out for the better. We handed out all the instruction papers so they could look over them while I walk down to the pond to fill up our water to test. The pond war or the Glen is so dark it's crazy. So while the pH and the dissolved oxygen and the nitrates are all fine, The turbidity is terrible. Like you can't see through this water at all. The plan was that anybody who had a instruction paper would test for that thing and that worked out pretty well. So we did two of each test and we had papers to document all of it and then once we were finished those we did the trividity with the tube and we found that Wally good level of turbanity is 65 cm and a bad is under 35. We had 14 cm. Very very bad. The water was almost black. But those were all tests we needed to do and so then we talked about rules for looking for macrovertebrates and invertebrates and I told them to look out for anything interesting and then sent them off.

While they were doing that I grabbed a couple of the kids that had not done the water testing and I had them try to test the temperature of the soil and the pH. Our pH level was inconclusive but our ground temperature was good. While they were doing that I walked over to the pond to kind of supervise a child that had gone over there and we were near Celia's table. And she called out to my kid and asked why she was wandering over and I was like oh silly oh we're looking for a macros and she was like what we're not doing that. And I was like yeah you are It's in the packet and she kept telling me that we weren't and that was a different program and I'm like very confused at this point so I went back to the table and I looked through the whole packet and there was a section on identifying organisms. Like yeah didn't use the word macro invertebrates but that's essentially what we were doing. And I thought it would be good to use science terms so we talked about vertebrates and vertebrates that covers everything. So then I was really stressed out that I was teaching the wrong thing. And thankfully later I would talk to in the office and they were like no you're right. But then Celia later again would come to me and say that I was wrong and I am still very confused why she thinks that. I think because there is a different lesson we do that is called macroinvertebrates that she was confused but I don't know it was really weird situation and kind of threw me off.

My kids are really good though and we found a frog and a whole bunch of centipedes. And we even found another nude and this time I was able to hold it and that was really exciting for me. We have found a whole bunch of snail eggs too which was pretty cool. I'm only mostly sure they were snail eggs because they look like the ones that my snails used to lay in the tank but I'm not like 100% on that. Still think it was very cool.

We finished up and my kids wanted to see the horses again and we had like 15 minutes So we went up to the bathrooms and then wandered over to the horses where the kids get yelled at by Chloe because they ran ahead of me and jumped on the fence but then when she saw that I was with them and I apologized for them and she was like oh that's chill and then she told us all of the horses names and I appreciated that because I do not know all of their names without their name tags on.

We would leave the horses and said goodbye. Because I had to send them to archery. They were really great kids and I'm glad I got to hang out with them.

I would work for my other group to come up to the ground elements because I had two more I had to run. And it went okay. The first one screamed at each other a lot again and we had one child who had a little bit of a meltdown but it was fine. And then they asked to do the team wall and I hate the teen Wolf because no one ever listens to my instructions and they all just start climbing on it and I was like whatever it's only 5 minutes and they were able to get one person up and over and then they dropped child thankfully them time was up and they were off to their next activity. I did have a lovely conversation with one of the parent chaperones though during this time and she runs a grant-based summer camp in the city and they go through locations and I was like oh my god you should do it here and so I put her in contact with Heather and gave her an email and hopefully that works out cuz that would be really neat. And it was just a really nice moment talking about the stuff that we're updating and trying to do better all the time.

My last group had to be a little truncated because they came a little late and then they wanted us to get them down to lunch earlier so we only did whale watcher but they were my best time and the least amount of yelling out of both days. And what the final time of 2 minutes and 24 seconds, They had the best time I've seen in a while from a group of 10 or more.

But very quickly after that it was time for them to go so we said goodbye and I walked them to the office. I had a nice conversation with the teacher about food allergies. And then I left them while I went to the office to check in.

I ended up having a really nice conversation with alexian Heather about the meeting I'm supposed to have a creative alliance. It was supposed to be tomorrow open now it's been rescheduled for Tuesday. Which is fine but I am hoping that we can kind of develop some stem stuff with them with camp and maybe some of my workshops and just see if we can make some kind of partnership as well. And I just think that it's really exciting that I am trusted to handle that kind of thing.

Before I would start working on those lesson plans though we all want to go and get sandwiches because the catering company always brings enough for us to have some too. So after I went up to the art building to change my shoes again we all walk over. Well me and Elizabeth walked, Sarah and Dachelle ran/raced across the field and it was very silly. But we got over there and we were able to get sandwiches and we stood in the kitchen and joked and made fun of each other and were very silly and was a good time. They were trying to balance on one leg for longer than the other one and just being real goofy. It was just fun. I was feeling really good.

So I was heading back up to the office to start working on those lesson plans and talking to Heather and then at 1:30 I would go back to the lodge to help clean up all the tables because the kids were gone. They were just leaving as I was coming in and the catering was cleaning up and so I started folding up chairs to go against the wall so that when we were ready for the cards we could just move the cart to where the chair pile was instead of walking two chairs at a time over to the cart because I knew that would make me very tired. And honestly we were crazy efficient. We seriously got that entire room of 12 tables and 100 chairs packed cleaned and put away in like 20 minutes. Probably less. Was very proud of us.

Once we were done that and Celia and Nick were just finishing the general sweep I let everyone know that I was going to go work on my lesson plans because I did not want to lose steam and then just do nothing. So I walked up there and worked on that for the next hour or so.

I came up with 11 and as I was leaving Heather thought of two more that I could add but I have all of it written down with images and materials and they're all steam based so they have science and art mixed together and I think that I have done a good job of figuring these out because these would not just be for this possible collaboration but also as outreaches. Because in like December or January and parts of February we don't really offer programming because it's too cold at camp to do things outside. So having stuff we can bring to people that still touches on the same things I think is really awesome. And I'm really hoping that me and Sarah and possibly Nick can develop this a little bit more.

After I finish that around 3:15 we checked in about field trips next week and then I would drive up to ground elements to pack that up so I could go home. Celia had also called me because she forgot her sweatshirt on the field and so I would go grab that for her so it would not get damp overnight and I packed everything away but it was a struggle for sure. I was not having a good time. I hate moving the ground element stuff because it's all heavy. But I got it away and then I went home.

It was not a terrible drive. I had a yogurt with me and I drank that and have a snack and I got home a couple minutes after 4:00. I made great time. James didn't even know I had left work yet so they texted me and said that they would be me home and I was like haha I'm already at the house.

I would take a shower and got in a sweatshirt and I have basically just been in bed since that. Sweet pea and me have been hanging out. James made me a quesadilla. I have no guilt for this. I've been enjoying watching videos and doing nothing. I have been so busy and I really needed to just be a potato for a while.

James recorded their podcast and then had a short D&D game that they jumped on and they're in the shower now. And soon they will come out and I will go brush my teeth and then we will go to sleep.

I wasn't originally supposed to go to work tomorrow because of the meeting with creative alliance but because they rescheduled I am still going to go in and I have some stuff to work on for Native American field trips and some materials to work on fixing and I'm hoping to just go in the art building and put a long video on and just work and not be distracted by things. Hopefully this works out the way that I am imagining it will.

I hope all of you have a wonderful night tonight and you take care of yourselves. I hope tomorrow is a beautiful day and I love you very much. Good night everybody. Until next time

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itslarsyouguys · 2 years

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I have been really depressed for a few months now, longer than my usual cycle of depression, I don’t know if it could be delayed PPD or maybe just exacerbated by the fact that adding this third kid to my responsibilities in an ongoing isolating pandemic is really hard?

But anyway I feel like it has been a long time since I have had any kindness or softness and it is draining me so bad. My husband was exhausted from the kids last night and I did all I could to support him and help him, but he couldn’t keep his bad mood off of me, and I just can’t keep doing this day in day out with only meanness and rudeness aimed at me, being yelled at and every little thing taken with the worst faith possible. I cried myself to sleep last night after finally settling the baby while he slept peacefully and today I just keep bursting into tears and I am so tired of feeling this sad all the time

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manicgoblin · 5 months

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whole lotta new music courtesy of ru 🥹✨

love my friends so much fr. had a really warm and tender night. got home from work, cleaned my whole apartment cuz I was slacking the last half a week or so. listened to music and shared songs back and forth with ru. kinda half assed planned a trip to chile/stay with their aunt for the summer when their semester is up. Gotta get a passport by March so we can go. talked to my sister for a while, that was nice. He came over and we made dinner. he wanted yellow rice, so I got that goin, and he made us tuna steaks and a whole lotta veggies. we snuggled in bed and watched samurai champloo and she’s the man (i was super anxious from the gummy he offered me, but we made it thru LMAO) woke up this morning to a clean space and Tsuki giving us a good morning snuggle. gotta shower, do a couple dishes, and then head into work. todays going to be good. I got this.

as a side note…

this period has been killer on my mental health. I should really look into something for it at this point. with a solid routine and keeping up with my shit consistently for like 8 months now I can actually tell when it’s getting bad again, and it’s always the week before/during my period. the depression is so much worse. the brain fog. the pain. the hopelessness. the mood swings. the flashbacks and anxiety. my ptsd/bpd symptoms are there otherwise throughout the month but for those 1.5-2 weeks it’s hell, and it’s every. single. month. I’m exhausted. I know treating pmdd is learning what works, diet changes, managing a schedule so there’s less going on that triggers the mental health symptoms, and maybe antidepressants, but something’s gotta give. having to deal with this for the rest of my life is unimaginable. it’s not exactly gender dysphoria, but I am extremely dysphoric about my period now. my gender dysphoria is so much worse during these weeks. I hate my body and the way I present around this time of the month. I really do feel hysterical sometimes. like yes whoever said your uterus was in your throat, go take a day by the seaside and bring this vibrator and cocaine with you, WAS RIGHT lol. gotta go back in to see my docs soon and talk about reworking some med options. maybe a Wellbutrin rerun. and a new adhd test. finding out that my mother has it, and that that was my first diagnosis as a child has me like “yeah hello that was the problem the whole time and then y’all traumatized me and I got personality and trauma disorders” :/ I don’t think they’ll give me adhd meds with my history of drug use, but Wellbutrin might help again…idk. one step at a time. starting a course in Jan for this certificate, working two jobs, taking my permit test real soon now that they mailed me a new test date. everything is going to work itself out because I’m taking steps to get there. some days, some weeks are hard, but I haven’t let up in the face of that. I’m proud of myself. It hurts, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m grief ridden still, but I’m also finding joy and I’m determined. I’ve gotten better. I have to see that. On the days when it’s dark, I have to remember how far I’ve come. How much I’ve done for myself, by myself. It’s been a long road, and it’s only getting longer, but damn it the scenery is beautiful for once, I can see the scenery for once. and isn’t that the point? picking wildflowers on your way? noticing the trees sway as you move past? pointing out the mushrooms on the side of the road, watching the ants crawl over a branch, sharing bread and fruit with your friends and holding hands while you walk? my body aches, my mind aches, but I’m not alone, and the trees are swaying with me. we’ve always been in synch. I’m being held by the earth everywhere I go. I’m holding myself. I’m holding my friends. I’m holding space for the trees around me. Things are okay, even when they’re not, even when they’re unbearable, things are okay. Life goes on. I keep getting older, so does the soil and the birds and the trees.

#personal #spotify

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bluesadansey · 1 year

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I’m not really in the mood to start watching something new even though I technically have a lot I want to lol, so on a whim because I feel like it I’ve started a TVD rewatch attempt let’s see if I follow through! (I’ve only seen the whole show (like 7.5 seasons I didn’t see all of s8) once but I’ve seen majority of s2-3 eps multiple times and a select handful of s1 4 and 5 eps a couple times each and most s6 eps twice since I did a rewatch of just that season in December (technically I did not finish it but that wasn’t about my follow through I just didn’t have hbomax access for a while and by the time I had it back was focused on other things again)

so anyway. notes I took rewatching the first couple episodes (my plan rn is to Not lb in the format I sometimes do because I think I’ll exhaust myself/my commitment, instead will try to either write some notes during or takeaways directly after watching the eps when I feel like it and share intermittently)

Pilot

-Elena Bonnie and Caroline are all so pretty here such pretty faces and pretty shiny hair all around

-really enjoy how cynical Elena is even as she’s trying to put on a brave “today I will smile and it will be believeable” face. especially her talking about people’s reactions to hers and Jeremy’s grief and the “the rest of the world has moved on” quote near the end I can (unfortunately) relate to a lot of this so much more than the first time I watched the show :(

-Caroline’s immediate interest in Stefan + “it’s not going to happen” I do lol knowing how this all plays out :)

-Bonnie’s ‘psychic’ ness so cute but also her predicting happiness… ironic not in a happy way. This being one of the episodes if not the episode where she’s happiest I think…

-Bonlena moments are very cute in the pilot

-running up the hill wasted on a boring moment in the pilot is so funny, but I do really like it ending with (in a sense) the first steferine moment

-so much bad and poorly aged dialogue. obviously. but then glimmers of really good dialogue out of nowhere

-I do sort of wish Damon’s crow powers had been a consistent thread. I don’t remember it being a thing after early s1? Would have been so funny

-Vicki was a standout to me rewatching this. Knowing what happens to her is so sad… Matt should have died instead of her and She should have been around for the whole show fr

-Jenna is an angel

-the dialogue is worse than I remembered overall but I’m going to say the visuals/effects are better than I remembered?

-also I actually rewatched the Pll pilot a couple days ago so was struck a bit by the similar structure of some things, they both open with the blonde girl who is killed/missing (only for TVD it’s a random girl we have no attachment to, for Pll it’s obviously Alison who is a Presence. and then it’s much later in the TVD pilot that we see Katherine who is the char with Alison haunting status for chars in s1), the focus on the liars but especially Aria/Elena’s attempts to move on from grief general quotes about moving on from the past, similar structuring to some of the Aria&Mike/Elena&Jeremy scenes. the funeral at the end of the Pll ep v Vicki being taken to the hospital at the end of TVD. There are others

-it also was very funny to me that they stress the “passion” of SE vs Matt and Elena in the pilot considering that is going to become a tag line for DE

The Night of the Comet

-Elena and Stefan waking up and both thinking ‘wow it’s so weird how I see color/am not as depressed as usual. and it’s all because I remembered what it’s like to be horny’ is hilarious sorry

-I am mad at that teacher I was mad on Elena’s behalf last episode now I’m mad on Jenna’s! Leave Jenna alone

-the way Damon put his hand on Elena’s back/shoulders in their first meeting to guide her + general manner towards her like makes me uncomfortable. Which I guess is the intention at this point

-Jenna looks so good I need her

-when Elena is telling Jenna about Stefan being on the rebound and her responding that “at least it’s another woman wait until you date a guy with mommy issues or cheating issues or amphetamine issues” find this hilarious because Stefan DOES in fact have mommy issues as we will learn, and the show treats his blood issues as metaphorical addiction issues. cheating issues no but his whole transference deal with Katherine-Elena is maybe not so different you could make the argument? like it’s not that but there’s emotional dishonesty in a way.

-also I just enjoy Elena and Jenna so much as a duo.

-I really like Bonnie’s outfit passing out Night of the Comet fliers with Elena

-Bonnie touching Stefan and getting bad vibes if such a mood

-there’s quite a bit of language iin these two episodes that’s aged badly but Caroline’s “druggies are the biggest attention whores” (paraphrased) line about Vicki particularly egregious

-Gravity playing in the SE kiss is so funny because I first watched this pre Community so now I have the Paradigms association. lol

-but also Stefan’s “it was epic” line my brain made an association to Leronica “I thought our story was epic” and SE could Never be what Logan x Veronica is smh so I was a little offended

*Also watched Friday Night Bites but actually watched most of that while working out and didn’t take notes. And I have reflections but, not that there isn’t plenty to be said about this episode but I’ll take a pass rn*

#s speaks #s rewatches tvd #I feel good about this decision I think it’s time. And I do think I’ll follow through!#I might take breaks but am *feeling* it / committed #(convo with Maze about how we’d both like to rewatch legacies but are also scared to might have triggered it.#I’m not quite ready for that but I think I’m finally ready for this)

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andvys · 3 years

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Longing (part 3)

Warnings: lots of angst, violence, reader having self doubts, a sprinkle of fluff

Pairing: Ellie Williams x reader

You woke up to loud knocking the next day. Pissed off you got out of bed, who was at your door at 7 am in the morning on your day off? You walked over opening the door you were greeted by Jesse standing there, leaning against the door frame. Immediately straightening up at the sight of him, you thought he was gonna flip out on you the way Ellie did last night.

“Finally, I thought I was about to freeze to death out here.” You stepped to the side letting him in.

“Umm you know it’s my day off right?” Annoyed you fell back on your bed again.

“Yeah not anymore, sorry about that. I need a patrolling partner and I chose you, sorry.” He said, looking at you with a guilty expression.

“Ugh are you serious? What’s wrong with your partner?” You sat up on the bed, looking at him.

“Ellie’s not feeling good today.”

“Tell me about it.” You mumbled. So she wasn’t feeling good, funny she gave you a whole hatred speech, made you feel like shit and now you had to fill in for her but she was the one who felt like shit. Of course.

“Alright, you owe me something.”

“Wrong, Ellie owes you something.”

“Umm yeah no, you were the one who chose me to be your patrol partner not Ellie so... not like you have much to offer but yeah.”

“I could offer you an unforgettable night with me.” He joked.

“Ugh shut up man.” Throwing a pillow at him you went into the bathroom to get changed.

Stepping out in the cold you immediately gave Jesse a death glare for making you go out into the cold today even though you were supposed to have a free day. He smiled at you, patting your shoulder.

“Come on, let’s get this over with.”

“Yeah whatever”

“We won’t be going on our usual patrol routes today, we’re gonna head to one of the small towns, check for some supplies.” Jesse said.

“Oh alright, haven’t done that in a while.” You said.

“Then it’s about damn time.”

Once you got to one of the small towns, closest to Jackson, you went into an old police station, knowing it was probably picked clean already but it didn’t hurt to check.

Checking the drawers, Jesse came into the room and sat on of the old office chairs. Looking at you, you avoided his eyes. You knew he was about to ask you something.

“So (y/n)..” there it was he was gonna ask about Dina.

“There’s nothing going in between me and Dina if that’s what you wanna ask.” You said while rummaging through the drawers.

“I- how did you know I was gonna ask anything about Dina?” Looking up at Jesse “I just do”

He noticed you avoided looking into his eyes.

“It’s none of my business if the two of you are together, we’re broken up.” He stated, looking sad about saying this.

“I- why does everyone think I’m with Dina?!” You asked, getting angry now, you still felt like shit about yesterday and now you were gonna get accused of something you didn’t do again.

“Aren’t you? I mean with her?” Jesse looked at you, confused about your reaction.

“No! What even makes you think that?”

“Well you were with her all this time, sleeping over at her house and I kinda saw you two kissing.” He said. Looking at him you got up and sat on the table.

“Okay hold up, I slept over because she was feeling like shit, she’s feeling sick lately and she was throwing up all night so I took care of her, I didn’t want to leave her alone while she looked like she’d die any second.” You said.

“Oh I didn’t know about that, she okay now?”

“Yeah she’s good now and the kiss? She thanked me for taking care of her and she gave me a kiss on the cheek that’s all.” You got up, walking out of the room you weren’t in the mood to talk any longer.

Jesse sat there thinking about it, it looked like you two kissed. To be fair he drank too much that night and he saw you two in front of Dinas house and from the angle you two were standing it did look like an actual kiss. “Shit I’m so stupid.”

Getting up he walked out of the room to follow you out, hearing a crash and your yell it sounded like you were fighting something or someone. He ran towards the noise, worried about you.

“(Y/n) you okay?” Walking around the corner he was met by the side of you standing there with a gun to your head. A man standing behind you with his arm around your neck and a gun to your temple. You lip was bleeding and it looked like you had a cut on your forehead.

“Don’t fucking move or your girl here dies.” Jesse put his hands up in surrender.

“What do you want?” Jesse asked the man.

“What I want? You break into my town and ask me what I want?!” He started waving the gun around. This man was definitely crazy and he was probably gonna shoot the both of you.

“We didn’t know anyone lived here.” You said through gritted teeth, annoyed at this whole situation. You were still pissed since yesterday and now you had to deal with this bullshit.

“Shut up you stupid bitch.” As if you didn’t wanna kill him already, he looked like a disgusting rapist and that’s what he probably was.

“Hey whoa no need for insults man” Jesse said, getting angry at the stranger for calling you a bitch. The man turned his gun on Jesse now.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do, I’ll let you live boy, get your stuff and leave and imma keep this one to myself.” He grinned at Jesse, showing off his disgusting yellow teeth

“Yeah I don’t think so man.” Jesse said. The man grunted at that going to pull the trigger, you didn’t give him a chance. Headbutting him, you heard the loud cracking of his nose. He let the gun fall down, letting you go he clutched his bleeding nose.

He looked up at you. “You fucking bit-“ not letting him finish, Jesse shot him in the head. Coming up beside you he grabbed your face checking your injuries. “Man I’m so sorry (y/n).” He said.

“It’s fine, he’s dead. Let’s get the hell out of here before more come.” You said grabbing the gun from the dead guy, leaving the building.

Jesse watched you go out, worried about you he ran after you.

“Hold up (y/n), let me clean your wounds, you probably need some stitches.” He said grabbing your arms turning you around making you look at him, he noticed tears in your eyes. “Hey what’s going on?” You tried blinking the tears away but it was to late, the first one falling down already.

“I’m sorry Jesse.” He looked worriedly at you. “I’m sorry for making you think that I got in between you and Dina, I would never do something like that.” He knew this wasn’t the only reason you were crying and he felt bad for even assuming that you were with Dina.

“You got nothing to be sorry for (y/n), I should be the one who’s sorry for even thinking that.” He pulled you into a hug. You were one of his best friends and he made you feel like shit.

“Ellie called me a home wrecker.” Pulling away you looked up at him.

“What?”

“Yeah and she said some pretty hurtful stuff too.” You said, feeling more tears building up in your eyes, you looked down not wanting him to see you cry anymore.

“Oh man come here.” He pulled you in for another hug. “That’s my fault (y/n), I felt like shit and I talked to her about Dina and you.” He felt bad, he didn’t know what Ellie told you but it must’ve been really bad if it made you cry like that. He’s never seen you cry before.

“It’s okay, at least I know how she truly feels about me now.” You said pulling away from the hug, you wiped your tears away walking back to your horse.

“She probably didn’t mean it.” He knew Ellie had feelings for you, she must’ve been jealous about thinking about you and Dina. He regretted ever telling her anything about this whole situation, feeling like it was his fault.

“Yeah I beg to differ, whatever I don’t wanna talk about her, can we just go?” You got on your horse waiting for him to get on his.

“We need to stitch up your wound.” He pointed to the gash on your forehead.

“We’ll do that back in Jackson, it’s not that deep, let’s go.” Shaking his head at you he knew it was a lost cause to try and convince you to clean up your wounds.

The rest of the patrol was even more exhausting, running into a small herd of clickers and runners you had to fight your way through them to get to some houses for supplies but you made it and even managed to find some goods.

Finally back in Jackson, Jesse immediately sent you off to the infirmary to get your wounds checked.

Walking over there, you realized how tired you actually were once you got to the house, the door opened. Leaving the infirmary was none other than Ellie. Stepping out of her way, you rolled your eyes at the girl waiting for her to leave you so you could go inside.

She saw you, eyes widening at your state. You had blood running down your face, from the wound on your forehead. A bleeding lip and bruise on the right side of your face.

“I- (y/n)?” Worried about you and the state you were in. You looked tired, you had bags under your eyes and you looked like you hadn’t slept all night. You looked like you were on the verge of passing out.

“Are you okay? What happened?” She asked. You almost thought that she cared but then you remembered her words from yesterday, scoffing at her you went to walk past her but she grabbed your arm, flinching at her touch you stepped back not letting her touch you. She looked hurt at your reaction.

“(Y/n) I’m sorry about yesterday.” She looked embarrassed and she had regret in her eyes but you wouldn’t forgive her this easily, she hurt you bad.

“Yeah sure, can you get out of my way now?!” You really weren’t in the mood to talk to her now, your day was shitty enough already.

“I- can we talk later?” She looked at you with hopeful eyes.

“No.”

“Please (y/n).” She begged desperately, she quite literally looked like a kicked puppy right now, not able to resist her.

“Fine.” You said annoyed at yourself for giving in. You could see she was happy about your answer.

“Alright umm you can come over later tonight, I’ll be waiting.” She said. Nodding at her words, she let you pass.

“See you later.”

“Bye Ellie.” She watched you go inside.

Ellie felt like shit for yesterday. She didn’t even get why she said all these things to you, this was nothing like her at all. On the way back home she saw Jesse walking home as well, catching up to him.

“Hey what happened out there?”

“Hello to you too Ellie.” Jesse said, looking at her he noticed the worried look on her face. “We ran into a some crazy guy and then had to deal with some infected on the way back home, did you see (y/n) go into the infirmary?”

“I- yeah she um yeah wait crazy guy? Did he attack (y/n)?” Ellie asked. Just thinking about some guy laying his hands on you put her into deep rage.

“Yeah I was in another room when I heard something from the other room and when I got there he was holding a gun to her head but don’t worry about it he’s dead.”

Ellie felt even more guilty now, considering she was supposed to be on patrol today and not you. She should have been the one with a gun to her head and wounds on her face and not you. Ellie thought to herself. Jesse saw that look on her face. He put his hand on her shoulder making her look at him.

“Hey look, (y/n) is strong, we’ve been in worse situations before, she’ll be fine.” He assured her.

“Yeah, well. I made her feel like shit yesterday and now she almost died out there because me. It was supposed to me out there not her.”

“Don’t beat yourself up Ellie, we all make mistakes.” He felt bad for her, he could see how much she struggled right now.

“Not like this, I really hurt her Jesse.” She said looking down.

“I know, she told me about yesterday.”

Looking back up at him, surprised that you talked about her with Jesse.

“What did she say?”

“Nothing is going with Dina if that’s what you wanna know.” Jesse said.

“I know, I talked to Dina today, she kinda flipped out on me after I told her about what happened with (y/n).” She said, looking away embarrassed. Jesse chuckled at that, Dina always defended you. She was small but she could be really scary if she wanted to.

“You gotta fix this Ellie, (y/n) cried today, this is the first time she cried in front of me, whatever you said to her, you gotta make things right.” Seeing the guilty look on her face at the mention of you crying because of her “it’s my fault too you know? You thought they were together because of me.” He added.

“Still that gave me no right to say all this shit to her.” Ellie said.

“We all make mistakes.” Jesse repeated.

“She’s coming over tonight.” Ellie said, looking down.

“She is? She said she was really tired and that she just wanted a shower and her bed and not see anyone else for the rest of the day yet she comes over? See you still have a chance to make things right with her.” Jesse said, making Ellie blush.

“Yeah it’s gonna be awkward, she barely looked at me and she looked pretty mad.”

“She had a bad day, just don’t make it worse.” Jesse said.

Looking at him with an annoyed expression “thanks for the motivation.”

“You’re welcome, alright I gotta go, good luck with your girl, Williams.” He said before going the other way.

“Yeah.”

Ellie waited for you, it seemed like time wouldn’t go by, she just wanted to see you and apologize for all the shit she said. Grabbing her journal she opened a random page, coming across one of her drawings of you. It was the day your friends decided to have a bonfire night, you looked so pretty sitting by the fire, Ellie kept this picture of you in her head only to draw it in her journal once she got back home.

A knock on her door pulled her out of her thoughts, she laid the journal down, walking over to the door she took a deep breath and opened it. The first thing she noticed about you was the stitches you’ve gotten. All the blood on your face earlier hid the actual wound, the cut was longer than it looked before. It would definitely leave a permanent scar. Your lip was busted and there was a bruise on your right eye. It made her angry to see you like this, she wished she would’ve been there to kill this guy herself for laying his hands on you.

“Come in.” She stepped aside. You walked in waiting for her to say something.

You really didn’t want to be here but you decided to give her a chance, everyone deserves a second chance and you couldn’t hate Ellie not even after all the hurtful things she said.

“Umm sit down.” Sitting down you looked at her.

Your silence made her nervous, you’ve never been this quiet with her.

“Jesse told me about what happened out there, you okay?” She asked worriedly.

“Yeah nothing I couldn’t handle.” Your tone was stern and cold.

“I’m sorry (y/n).” She looked guilty. “I’m sorry for everything that I said, I don’t know what has gotten into me.”

Looking at her, you studied her face. Was she genuine?

“It’s fine you said what you were thinking. Nothing wrong with saying the truth.” You said.

“But- but that wasn’t the truth (y/n), I was mad and I talked shit.” She exclaimed. She knew it would be hard to convince you that she wasn’t talking the truth, none of what she said was right.

“It’s okay Ellie, you don’t have to try to make me feel better, you apologized. Let’s leave it at that and let’s just stay away from each other.” You said getting up, you wanted go because you knew staying meant that you would cry especially after that last sentence, you didn’t want to stay away from her but you knew how she felt about you and you didn’t want to be around someone who told you that no one wants or needs you.

“No! Please (y/n).” That made you stop. “Stay.” Turning around you looked at her.

She walked towards you, stopping in front of you.

“I don’t want to stay away from you and I don’t want you to stay away from me.” She whispered, looking into your eyes.

“You told me that no one wants me Ellie.”

“It was a lie, I want you (y/n)” she whispered.

Looking at her, you wanted to believe her you really did but you couldn’t, not when her hurtful words repeated themselves in your head.

You got closer to her, your lips almost touching hers, her breath hitched, she looked at you wide eyed, thinking you were going to kiss her.

“You were right Ellie.” Looking into her eyes, she looked at you curiously.

“No one wants me because that’s what you are, you are no one to me Ellie.” You said coldly, looking at her, she was taken aback by your words, shocked, she tried blinking her tears away. You yourself were on the verge of crying but you had to stay strong, you didn’t want her to see you cry.

You turned around, quickly leaving her place. You leaned against the wall outside, putting your hands on your knees you let the tears fall, you hated yourself for saying this to her but you couldn’t just forgive her after yesterday. Ellie wasn’t no one to you, she was somebody to you. You looked at her door, contemplating going back in and apologize, taking back what you just said to her but you couldn’t, so you left.

Ellie stood there in the middle of her room, processing what you just said to her. “You are no one to me Ellie.” Letting the tears fall, she sat down on her bed, she started sobbing.

Ellie brought this upon herself. She hurt you so you hurt her back. Karma is a bitch.

You weren’t in a better state, you walked home wiping your tears away angrily. You felt like you couldn’t breath anymore so you stopped walking, looking up at the night sky. You thought about everything that happened the past two days. It was just two days but you could already feel yourself slipping back into the darkness, the one that you grew up in. The one that filled you with self doubt and sadness. You weren’t strong enough for this. Taking a deep breath you started walking again.

You didn’t know where to go, you didn’t want to go home, you hated walking into an empty house. You didn’t want to see your friends right now either and you weren’t sure if you should go see Joel, especially after hurting Ellie, surely he would hate you if he found out about that. Realizing that not only Ellie would hate you now, Joel would hate you as well. This made you tear up again, the man who became something like a father figure to you would hate you now.

Your house was the only place for you right now so that’s were you went, walking around the corner of your house you looked down, wiping the tears away you ran into someone, looking up you realized it was Joel.

“Hey kid, I want-“ not finishing his sentence he realized you were crying, he looked at you with worried eyes, without asking any questions he pulled you into his chest hugging you “Come here, sweetheart.” You didn’t deserve this but you hugged him back, sobbing you held onto his jacket. Maybe that was the last time he’d hug you.

His warm hug made you feel safe at least this gave you comfort today because that’s what you needed the most right now. Comfort and love.

#ellie williams #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams imagine #tlou imagines #tlou ellie

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stylesberries · 4 years

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Rainbow Cardigan

Summary: Harry loses his favorite cardigan. You learn how to knit. (Based on the JW Anderson cardigan knitting trend.)

Genre(s): fluff, a sexual innuendo

Word Count: 2.1k

Warning(s): mentions of sexual intercourse.

Harry’s sense of style is one of the main things that make people around automatically drowns to him. High waisted flares, custom Gucci suits and newsboy caps - Harry in a nutshell.

His style is so distinctive, that even if his face and tattoos were covered, people around would still recognize him just by looking at his outfit.

You, of course, are one of the many fans of Harry’s style. Being his girlfriend had its benefits. Getting to steal his clothes was, obviously, on top of the list.

“Sweetheart!” Harry calls out for you from the bedroom.

You got up from your place in the living room, following your boyfriend’s voice. You knew that if he just wanted to tell you something, he would’ve texted. He clearly needs you to come up to him, so that’s exactly what you do.

Going up the stairs, you kept thinking about who could be the killer in the new detective series episode you’ve been watching.

When you reached your bedroom, your eyes trailed right to your worrying boyfriend, who was walking in circles around the room with his brows furrowed and in deep thought.

“Love, is everything okay? You seem upset.” You gently started.

He really looked frustrated, and you had no idea what was the reason behind it. He would always take every hardship light-heartedly, knowing that everything can be solved and everything can be fixed, and if that’s not the case, he would say, “Well, that’s what life’s about, isn’t it? It can’t always be easy. That’s the beauty of it.” Your mind started walking in circles just like your distraught boyfriend, thinking about anything that could’ve caused him to react this way.

“Y/N, I think I lost m’rainbow cardigan.”

Then it hit you. He really loved that cardigan. It wasn’t just adorable, warm and cozy. He wore it for your first date, and being someone who imbues everything with meaning and gets emotionally attached to things, his reaction wasn’t surprising to you.

“My dear, I’m sure we will find it. Come on. I’ll help you lo-”He cut you off full of sadness and frustration.

“I’ve already looked everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I’ve looked in every room, on every shelf. I looked under every couch, just in case. I even checked the stove. Like, come on, it could never be there, but I still looked! I don’t know what t’do. I always take it along wherever I go. If I am here and it’s not - I lost it. I fucking lost it. Y/N, what do I do? Where else could I look?” He was full-on bawling now. You couldn’t help but cut the distance separating you short and hug him.

“Don’t worry, Har. We will find it. I know how much it means to you. We’ll find it.” You kept repeating it. Although, your voice was muffled by his hair, he caught every word leaving your mouth.

“I cannot lose it. I can’t. What if it’s lost forever? How could I let it out of my sight?” The sight of him so genuinely saddened by the situation made you let out a sigh. You were full of compassion and understanding, trying to remember the last time you saw the poor cardigan. Failing to do so, you turned to your crushed boyfriend and tried to get information out of him.

“When did you last see it, baby? Do you remember?” You carefully asked, trying your best not to push him even more. Judging by his appearance, you knew that he could easily beat himself up for losing the cardigan to a point of having an anxiety attack, and that was the last thing you wanted right now.

You watched him slowly breathe air in and out, trying to slow his heart rate down.

“I haven’t seen it for over a week. The last time I’ve seen it was at the studio, I think. I put it on t’go there. It was cold that day.” He explained.

You remembered exactly what day he was talking about. He went to the studio early and you missed him a lot, so when he came back home you jumped on him, which later on led to a heated make out session. The thing was that you didn’t remember taking the cardigan off of him that day.

“Har.” You tried to be as gentle as you possibly could, but you knew that there wasn’t anything that could make him feel better about losing something so dear to him.

“Yeah?” He took a step back and looked at your saddened face.

“I’m afraid you came home without the cardigan.”

After having your crying-your-eyes-out-because-of-a-piece-of-clothing session, you were determined to find the cardigan. Knowing that Harry just went to the studio and back that day, you did the same. Harry asked everyone working at the studio if they’ve seen the cardigan, and with every new person your hope withered more and more. As you asked more people and tried to track the cardigan down, you realized that it was probably lost on a bench he sat on by the studio, to drink his morning coffee. That meant that you’ll never see it again. Understanding the hopelessness of the situation, Harry gave up looking.

Seeing your Harry walking around the house completely destroyed by the situation, you couldn’t help, but think about a way to make him feel better.

He would skip his morning runs to sulk in the bed, cuddled up in the blankets with his feet tangled with yours. Harry was never one to skip any part of his daily routine, so you understood how attached he was to the lost cardigan.

One night, after you both finished your dinner and went to watch some rom-com in the living room, your grandmother called. You apologized to Harry and answered the call.

As you gave her an update on your life these days, Harry cuddled closed into your side and let his eyes close.

Your grandmother asked you about everything, starting from what you had for breakfast to how your university project was going.

In couple of minutes Harry started lightly snoring into your ear. Next thing you know she’s telling you about the new blanket that she knitted.

Then an idea came to your mind. You’ll knit him a new cardigan.

Next day was spent shopping for yarn and needles and watching knitting tutorials. The fact that Harry was out in the studio made it even easier for you to bring your ideas to life.

In the beginning you found it a little hard, but with a little motivation you knitted a couple of colorful squares, just like the ones in Harry’s precious cardigan.

The image of the cardigan mostly came from your head, but whenever you needed a reference you could type “Harry Styles Rainbow Cardigan” into Google and freshen the memories.

It took you some time to get the cardigan together, knitting every little square with the other, making sure everything is as neat as possible.

You felt bad for lying to your sweetheart, but you had to admit - it was fun running around hiding your surprise from him.

When the cardigan was ready, you took a look at your creation.

Although, it wasn’t the same as the one you both had so many memories with, it was made with love, coming straight from your heart.

You finished the last touches at about 7 o’clock, and Harry was supposed to come home a bit later today due to a meeting with the management. You waited for him until late evening and found a box to put your little creation into.

After folding the wrapping paper around the box and tying a bow from the ends of the yellow ribbon, that was now wrapped around the sides of the box, you laid down in your bed and picked up an unread book to finally finish it.

In an hour or so your exhausted boyfriend stepped into the house. You could head his steps coming from outside of the bedroom. By the time he came back home, the book found its way back on the side table, as you wrapped the blanket around yourself to mimic the warmth of missing Harry.

Harry walked into the room slowly, making sure he doesn’t step on certain creaking planks in the floor, not to wake you up. He carefully undressed himself and folded the corner of the blanket to get under it. As he carefully positioned himself next to you, you turned around, making sure not to take him by surprise and scare the living shit out of him.

“You’re so late, love. Did something happen?” You asked, hoping that everything was okay with the upcoming tour. Your mind didn’t view anything else as a possibility because you trusted him completely. You knew you had nothing to worry about, as he proved his loyalty to you enough for you not to have any doubts about it.

“Jeff kept me a bit late, m’precious. We were going through the tour schedule. I’m sorry I made y’worry, baby.” He wrapped his arm around your waist and pressed a kiss on your temple. You let him shower you with more and more kisses, before you remembered the box you hid in the closet. You eyes abruptly opened and Harry caught the look of realization on your face.

“What happened, bean? Not in the mood?” He made sure to ask you.

You got up from the bed, pushing his hands off of you, and walked right to the closet.

“Baby? Is everything alright?” Harry was confused over the way you were acting.

You left his questions unanswered and grabbed the box, after opening the doors of the closet looking for it. You walked back up to the bed, but now from Harry’s side. He seemed completely oblivious of what was coming next and, obviously, awaited for an explanation.

“It’s a present. For you.” You now let yourself smile at him, after putting on a show to freak him out. You let out a laugh after seeing Harry look insulted by the way you played with his feelings.

“You’re a meanie. That’s not cute. Was gonna make love to you just now, but I am no longer going to do so.” Harry ended the dramatically long sentence with a theatrical frown.

Despite the little show he put on for you, he couldn’t help but keep looking at the box, laying in front of him.

“What’s that?” He curiously asked.

“Open and see for yourself.” You moved closer to him, with only the box separating you.

Harry carefully unwrapped the bow, making sure he doesn’t rip the paper you carefully wrapped. Something so small, almost unnoticeable, but another thing you loved about this man. There was love in every little gesture and move of his. He could’ve just torn the paper and the ribbon off, acting on his curiosity, but he didn’t. He knew you took time to make it look pretty for him, and he wouldn’t ruin your creation, even if it’s just wrapping paper.

When Harry got to opening the box, he looked up at you, as if asking for your permission. You nodded, smile grazing your face.

As the lid came off the box and the bright colors of the carefully knitted cardigan started gleaming from the light, coming from the lamp on the bedside table, Harry’s facial expression turned from curiosity to utter shock. Noticing his surprise, you chose to speak up.

“I made it myself. I knew how heartbroken you were after losing that cardigan, so I thought - maybe I could knit it for you. I know it’s not perfect, but it would make me very happy if you kept it.” You nervously blabbered, thinking that he didn’t seem as happy as you thought he would be.

“You knitted it yourself?” He looked up at you in shock with tearful eyes, as his hands finally let themself touch the buttons of the item.

“I did. I watched tutorials on YouTube. Thanks to those, I learned how to knit.” You joked, trying to lighten up the atmosphere.

“You learned how to knit to make this for me?” His voice turned raspy, as it always did when he got emotional and he looked like he desperately needed a hug.

So that’s what you gave him.

“Come here, my love. Please don’t cry. I didn’t knit it to make you sad. I wanted to make you happy.” You cooed into his ear.

Harry held onto you with such need and desperation, that you haven’t seen him show before. He squeezed you closer, his hands still keeping hold of the knitted piece.

“You made me so happy. You make me so fucking happy.”

#harry styles #harry styles fluff #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x reader #harry styles masterlist #harry styles blurbs #calm #jw anderson #cardigan

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the-cult-of-russo · 3 years

Text

No Going Back (part 2)

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Request : Hey love, can you please do a part 2 to “no going back” where the reader is with a new partner that treats them better and shows how happy y/n is (after a few months of heart break) & billy is upset and dealing with the aftermath of his actions - regret - or not being able to find someone like reader. I’m in the mood for sad!billy because my heart broke for myself in the last one lmfao, they could meet again with y/nS new partner idk go crazy babe!

A/N: Welcome to the Land of Pain. Enjoy the deep rooted sadness and heartache lmao why am I so invested in Sad!Billy? Like really, let me give him a hug or something 😂 this one kind of took on a life of its own and I couldn't help the comforting at the end lmao sue me.

Also, I keep the description of the new partner vague so you can imagine whoever you want. Personally I was thinking Charlie Hunnam because 👀🙃 but this way you can picture whoever.

Warnings: cursing, some angst, heaps of sadness and despair (for Billy), very much Sad!Billy. Lil bit of fluff too

You never thought you'd find happiness, not after Billy. But sometimes you find things when you least expect it, or they find you. You'd spent months healing after what happened with Billy and at times you honestly thought the pain wouldn't stop. The saving grace was the fact Billy actually kept his distance and didn't contact you. At first you weren't sure if that hurt more or not. But the clean break allowed you to heal and you knew deep down that's why he did it. It had been hard knowing he loved you, that he wanted to fix things. If he had just been an asshole then it would have been easier to get over him. You could hate him. But you couldn't. Part of you would always belong to him but you had to move on. And you did.

Jacob was a great guy and you'd met through a friend. He took you on dates, doted on you. He was there and he listened and he treated you amazingly. And for the first time since Billy, you hadn't compared Jacob to him. Previous dates were always measured up to Billy but when you met Jacob, you didn't even think about your past lover.

You'd been with Jacob now for 4 months, it being half a year since the split with Billy. Everything was looking up for you and you finally felt like things were on the right track. You still thought about Billy sometimes. Wondered if he was okay, what he was up to. You couldn't help it. You just hoped one day he'd find happiness too. It hurt that he hadn't allowed that with you but you hoped he'd let it happen with someone one day.

-------

Billy had experienced pain in all forms in his life. The pain of abandonment from his mother, from the shit in the group home, being in the marines and everything after. He'd always dealt with it. Picked himself back up and moved on. He got back up every time and was always stronger for it. But this time… this time he was weak and he couldn't do a damned thing about it.

Losing you, all through his own bullshit fault, had been by far the worst thing he'd ever been through. The worst kind of pain. Being shot in the heart would hurt less than the agony and waking hell that had been his life since you begged him to leave your apartment 6 months ago. It felt like only 6 days ago yet 6 years at the same time. It was a never ending spiral of darkness and despair.

And it was all his own fault. His inability to just be a normal fucking human with emotions had ruined the best thing he ever had. He deserved this pain. He deserved every bit of it. He'd done a lot of bad shit in his life but this was the worst. He couldn't get your face out of his head. How you looked at him with such betrayal and hurt. And he'd caused that. He'd caused those tears to stream down your face, he'd caused that pain. So he'd wallow in his misery and take every inch of pain he was in because he deserved it all.

He'd thrown it all away, and for what? The sex with the other women hadn't even been good. He hadn't enjoyed it because it wasn't you. And then after, the guilt would eat him alive. But he kept doing it. He couldn't stop himself because he was overwhelmed. He loved you. He actually fucking loved you and he didn't deserve you at all. He never thought he'd love anyone. Didn't think he was capable of such a thing, yet here he was. And he never thought in a million years that anyone would ever love him. His own mother didn't, so why would anyone else? He kept replaying over and over when you told him you loved him that day. The pain had ripped through him like C4. He'd fucked up so badly and he couldn't fix it. He'd finally had a taste of what it was like to be loved and to love someone and it was snatched away in a heartbeat because of his own actions.

He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. He lost some weight and was well aware of the dark circles around his eyes. He'd taken to drinking every night just to numb the pain and hope your face didn't haunt his dreams. He hadn't even slept with another person since. He couldn't bring himself to. He was a mess. All he wanted was you and he couldn't have you.

------

You and Jacob were on your way to a little cafe you frequented for lunch. You felt happy, radiant even as you both walked hand in hand. The weather was warming up and the sun bathed you in its warm glow as you walked. Everything felt right. Just as you got to the outside of the cafe, his phone rang.

"Shit, I need to take this, babe," he sighed. You smiled up at him, giving him a quick peck on the lips.

"It's okay. I'll see what they have today," you smiled. He gave you a wide smile, kissing you softly before he stepped away a bit to answer the phone. There was no anxiety. No wondering who he was talking to. You felt settled and content.

You glanced through the window of the cafe where they displayed fresh baked sweet treats. They had different ones every day and you pressed up against the window, eyes glancing around as you tried to decide if you wanted a glazed donut or a cinnamon bun. Probably the donut.

"Y/N?" The shocked voice felt like a splash of cold water. You knew that voice anywhere. You turned around to see Billy, wide eyed as he stared at you. He looked… oh Billy. Your heart ached at the state of him. He was still in his fancy suit with his hair neat and slicked back. But he looked exhausted, his dark eyes sad. It hurt.

"Hey, Billy," you murmured with a soft smile. You thought about what it would be like if you saw him again. You thought it would bring all the pain back. The anger. But you were hurting for a different reason. You were hurting for him this time.

He glanced at the floor, looking somewhat out of place and his usual confidence seemed to be left at home. When he glanced back up at you, looking at you through his lashes, he looked like a lost boy.

"You look good," he said quietly. You smiled sadly, shifting where you stood.

"You look tired," you countered softly. He chuckled, the noise hollow sounding and you'd be a liar if you said you didn't miss him. Part of you wondered if you could have stayed friends but you didn't think it would help.

"Yeah, I'm uh… not sleepin' so good," he shrugged like it was nothing and you frowned.

"Billy-" you started, only to be cut off by Jacob coming back over and wrapping an arm around your waist.

"Sorry, I'm done now," he smiled down at you, kissing your cheek. It wasn't done as a display of possessiveness like Billy would have. It was simply affection. But you saw how Billy's jaw clenched, eyes hardening as he looked at him.

"Uh… Jacob, this is Billy. Billy, this is Jacob," you said carefully. You didn't need to say that Jacob was your boyfriend. It was obvious and you didn't want to rub salt in Billy's wounds. Jacob's brows raised a little, arm moving from around you as he looked at Billy.

"Oh. It's a pleasure to meet you, I've heard a lot about you," Jacob said amicably as he extended his hand. Billy glanced at it like it was a poisonous snake before glancing at you. You gave him an imploring look and he swallowed thickly before shaking Jacob's hand.

"Nothin' good, I bet,'' Billy smiled bitterly. Ouch. That hurt.

Jacob looked at Billy hesitantly with a small smile.

"Actually… Y/N had nothing but good things to say about you. Except for how it all ended but… there were a lot of good things," Jacob said softly. It made you smile. You'd told him everything about you and Billy and he'd never seen it as an issue. And the fact he was trying here really meant something to you.

Billy looked taken aback for a moment before his face schooled back to the mask of indifference he'd wear often. He glanced at you then at Jacob again as Jacob gave your hand a squeeze.

"I'll get us a table and give you two a minute," Jacob murmured to you. It wasn't lost on you how he purposely didn't kiss you like he normally would. He wasn't petty. He wouldn't hurt Billy or rub it in his face.

Once Jacob was inside you looked at Billy as he glared off to the side, hands stuffed in his pockets.

"Billy… I'm sorry, I…" you frowned. You wished he hadn't found out this way. Not when you saw how badly he was hurting. He chuckled humorlessly and shook his head.

"Don't … Don't do that," he bit out.

"Do what?" You asked with a frown. His obsidian eyes turned to you then, full of such pain and sadness that it felt like you'd been punched in the gut.

"Don't… apologise to me. I don't deserve shit," he muttered, jaw clenched.

You took a step closer to him and he looked down at you, rolling his shoulder a little.

"Look… you fucked up. It happened. But I don't … I don't hate you, okay? I never could. I don't want to see you hurting like this," you lamented. His lower lip wobbled a little before he clamped down on it with his teeth, glaring at the floor with glassy eyes.

"You should hate me," he replied tensely.

"Well I don't. I forgive you. I don't know if that's helps or anything but… you need to forgive yourself, Billy," you said as you moved closer, looking up at him. His eyes met yours for a moment before he looked away.

He was so tense, hands in his pockets as his shoulders were set and his body was rigid.

"Does he uh… he treat you good?" He asked, voice strained as his eyes drifted to the window of the cafe before back to you. You nodded, worried if you vocalised it that it might hurt him more. He scrunched his nose a little, his shoulder rolling again.

"He make you happy?" He asked quietly. It sounded like it brought him great pain to even ask and you looked away with a sigh.

"Billy…" you frowned, not wanting to answer.

"Just… please. Does he make you happy?" He asked again, a little firmer this time. You met his eyes as you nodded.

His jaw ticked as he nodded stiffly, glaring off to the side.

"Good… good, you deserve to be happy," he muttered softly.

"So do you," you replied sincerely. Black eyes snapped to yours then as he scoffed. He opened his mouth to no doubt say something fueled by self hatred but you spoke before he had the chance.

"I'm serious. I want you to be happy, Billy. You need to allow yourself to feel things and one day you'll get that. You'll find happiness one day," you implored.

He blinked at you for a moment, his eyes shining from moisture.

"I want that with you. And I know… I know I can't. I know we can't fix this. But I just… I don't think I could find that with someone else," he admitted softly. He looked so sad and it was wounding you. You hated seeing him so vulnerable and lost like this. It was so far from the Billy you knew and loved. This Billy was the Billy that woke from nightmares about the group home or from when he was overseas. The Billy you'd comforted many times before. It always hurt you when this side of him was out.

"There'll always be a part of my heart with your name on it, Billy. I'm sorry it didn't work out but it doesn't mean I don't care at all," you breathed. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a shaky breath at your words.

"This… this is why I never deserved you. You're too good for me, too kind and… caring. I don't deserve somethin' precious like you. I don't deserve anythin' good," he muttered bitterly. You knew this spiral well. How he got in his own head and went down the rabbit hole of hating himself.

You took another step towards him and wrapped your arms around his neck. You just wanted him to be okay. To stop hurting. He may have hurt you, broke your heart, but you didn't want this for him. You wanted to comfort him and this was the only way you knew how. You felt his arms wrap around you, one fisting your shirt and the other in your hair as he held you close. He buried his nose in your hair and inhaled deeply.

"Stop hating yourself. Do it for me. I hate seeing you like this," you whispered forlornly as you held onto him tightly.

His hand in your hair tightened a little and you could feel a slight tremor running through his body.

"I'm a mess without you," he lamented, slightly muffled by your hair.

"You need to allow yourself to move on," you replied softly. You went to move away but his arms tightened and you allowed him to hold you a moment longer. He'd called you his anchor once. You hadn't really believed him but now it seemed like he was floating away and you were the only thing tethering him here.

He pressed a kiss to your hair before releasing you but you didn't step back too far as you blinked up at him.

"Maybe we… maybe we can…" he trailed off uncertainly and your chest constricted painfully. You really hoped he wasn't going to ask for another chance because shooting him down in the state he was in would kill you.

"I wanna… could we be friends? I won't… I won't get in the way or anythin', I just… maybe if I could text you sometimes? Just to know you're okay?" He asked hesitantly as his dark orbs flit to the window of the cafe before back to you.

You weren't sure if it was a great idea. You didn't know if it would help if you were honest.

"Billy… I don't know if that's a good idea," you murmured sadly. His eyes bore into you, pleading and desperate.

"Please? I know that I-I can't have you. Not the way I want. But I need you in my life, even just as a friend. You not bein' there at all… it's left a gaping hole and I…" his hand went to his chest, rubbing over where his heart was.

"Okay, you can text me if you need me. But only as friends," you relented, stating the last part firmly. A small smile graced his face then, eyes lighting up ever so slowly. You hoped this wouldn't be a bad idea.

"I appreciate it. And… as much as it hurts… to see you with… Jacob. I am happy for you," he said Jacob's name like it pained him but his eyes were sincere as he looked at you. It made you smile a little.

"Thank you, Billy," you murmured. He gave you another small hesitant smile as he nodded.

"I'll uh… let you get back," he said with a nod. Without thinking, you wrapped your arms around him again, around his middle this time as your head rested on his chest. He didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around you tightly. His hand going to your hair like it always did. You could hear the rapid thumping of his heart in your ear.

"It was good seeing you," you said softly. You meant it too.

You always thought it would be difficult seeing him again, and it was in a way. It hurt seeing him this cut up about it. But it wasn't how you imagined it would go. You weren't angry at him, you didn't feel the same pain you did on that day. The only pain you felt was for the broken man in holding you. You wanted to comfort him and you'd missed him. He'd been a constant in your life for a while, even before you officially got together.

"It was good seein' you too," he sighed, squeezing you a little. When you stepped back, he gripped your face and for a moment it startled you. But he planted a firm kiss to your forehead before stepping back. Once again, you allowed him that. You couldn't help it.

You gave him a soft smile and he returned it with a sad one of his own. You forced your feet to move as you made your way into the cafe. Jacob was sitting there patiently waiting at a table with a coffee and a donut waiting for you. You grinned at him as you sat down and he leaned over to kiss your cheek.

"Everything okay?" He asked softly, stroking your cheek.

"Yeah," you sighed. You really hoped Billy would forgive himself for everything that happened. He didn't need to punish himself like this.

"Good… he'll get over it one day. Just give him some time, babe," Jacob murmured as if he knew what you were thinking. You gave him a warm smile as you laced your fingers with his.

You hoped he was right. You hoped that being friends with Billy would work and maybe help him. You still weren't sure if it was a good idea or not but he seemed adamant it would help him. It was hardly how you ever imagined it would go but it was how the cards fell. All you could do was wait and see what happened and hope that maybe you could help Billy through it. It was kind of upside down and all ass upwards. Helping the man that broke your heart get over you. But you still cared about him and you'd do whatever you could to help him through it.

#billy russo #billy russo x reader #the punisher #billy russo imagine

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beann-e · 3 years

Text

hi I was on u-tube and saw a bakugou playlist for when he can’t sleep and I thought well , since I just hit 200 followers ( tysm;3 I love everyone who even took the time out of their day to press follow ) why not bring them this idea of y/n not being able to sleep & bakubabe lending his beautifully different services

also abt the sero line I have in here— I personally think it’d be cool if he just learned Spanish because, he has an interest in other cultures and languages but I don’t really see him being actually hispanic

also I really like writing baku bc he’s so rough with everything he says & I kin him so he’s the easiest so, I hope no one thinks I write him too much

Reader with bad mental health & bakugou lends a hand in his own way

No one cares and no one ever asks. Or at least that’s how you felt while standing here in your last period class your hands balled up in fist tightly held at your chest

Your head was pounding and body was aching you couldn’t describe why you were feeling so horrible all of a sudden but

you just were

maybe it was from all the nights you couldn’t fall aleep due to overthinking

maybe it was the way you got stuck on your phone or even your head dropped low eyes trailing over words in a book just trying to find something to take your mind off the fact that you were struggling

whatever the case was

right now in this last period class this wasn’t helping

“ look shitty woman “ you heard the boy huff “ I want to get a good score on this paired project and right now your fucking this up for me “

his anger was visibly present even if his voice was low to where only you could hear the annoyance that sat in it had everyone looking around for the culprit of the sudden change in the air

“ and I don’t like fuckups so get whatever you have going on together and let’s do this —ok? “

you shook your head and let out a soft ‘ok ‘

the fight ending quickly with bakugou staring down on you his hands on his knees face made up in anger “ you keep finding a way to fuck with me “

“ I didn’t even do anything to you “ your voice was soft and tired

his eyes squinting before sighing

“ I didn’t do anything to anyone “

“ cut this shit out right now “ he pulled you up off the ground hands in fists gripping at your shirt standing you up with his muscles alone “ get to your room — sleep off whatever the fucks going on with you “

His eyes dead set on you as you walked off everyone from the class watching as you failed to gain the strength to open the big doors that led you to your shared dorms

“ sero plea— “

“ got it hermosa “

“ really dude “

“ look it’s hot — and just cause we’re in japan doesn’t mean I can’t show off my online spanish lessons “

“ whatever “ denkis voice whined as he shook his head holding the other door open for you “ gonna get some sleep y/n ? “

you ignored the two boys head hung low as you walked to your room door

the strength appearing in your body as you opened it but, quickly dispersing when you found your bed.

Your face hitting your favorite pillow hand coming up to cradle underneath it as you sat on your knees butt high in the air tears coming out pouring into your blankets “ I won’t show — I won’t show it — I won’t get bad again “ you repeated like a chant

The light from outside disappearing as the day grew into night

several footsteps heard departing from your door when you didn’t answer the knocks . Their low calls of dinner was done , lunch was in the microwave , that you’d missed movie time , that you missed denkis attempt of asking jirou out , and todorokis miss understood question of what ‘ cuddles ‘ were when denki offered her his body to do so

“ and you assholes didn’t just think to open the door? ”

your bedroom door swinging open in a crash as the knob hit the wall behind it creating a hole

“ fucking assholes bothering me with this shit “

“ we didn’t even call you out of your room “

“ you came over to her room on your ow— “

bakugous hand moved swiftly to slam the door in their faces

“ bakubro we’ve been trying to get in there all day and your just—“

“ gonna close the door on us “ denki finished in annoyance “ seriously I just know y/n needs my charm right now “

he pouted behind the door “ it always cheers her up and I like her lau— “

“ didn’t ask to hear your fucking crush story charger base “

“ ass — kiri let’s go “

“ so no sleepy boob pics?“

bakugou stiffened hearing the purples freaks voice

“ so I came with you guys because you said she was sad and usually when girls are sad they don’t dres— “

bakugous voice was guttural as he put his forehead to the door voice loud enough for the boy to hear

“ hey — hey purple nurple “

“ I-uh — yes bakugou “

“ come here “ he could hear the small shuffle of feet to the door as he smirked softly

“ put your tiny head to the door — actually press your whole body up to the door —all the way “

“ are you trying to help me get one of y/n’s bras god —- of all people to help I never thought it’d be bakugo—“

“ hey just shh ok — you don’t want to ruin it right and make her wake up right “ he groaned inside his mind

“ she’s slept this long and through all of this— I can’t get you her bra if your loud right purple zit “

“ so so smart “

“ ok so here it is “

the room grew silent as bakugou pressed his palm as low as he could placing it on the door away from his standing body breathing in to suppress his anger so , he didn’t let out a major blast due to his mood

sighing before he felt his hand grow sweaty tiny pops coming out

“ hey bakugou —is my princess ok ? sounds like popcorn in there are her tit—“

it was quick as the door had a hole in it the newly created circle having black burn scratches on it as mineta laid burnt on the floor once purple body now black and smoke wafting off it

Bakugou squatting as he put his left hand above the hole to steady himself and his right one reaching out through it as he grimaced in pain at the stretch his fingers finally wrapping around minetas short body fingers interlocking around his neck as he looked through the new hole in the door eyes piercing into the boy he held

his voice low and dominating “ you ever come back to her room on some creep shit — and I blow your fucking brains out do you hear me “

“ y-yes sir “ mineta let out dazed “ I will stick to yao-“

“ that goes for all the girls you hear me — guys included I know your a little pervy fuck you can’t get your hands on girls underwear you’ll move on to dekus shitty tidy whities”

mineta was silent as bakugou threw him back on the floor watching as he crawled off

his body relaxing as he shook his mind burning.

head in his hands before wiping his face in exhaustion and standing up and turning to you when he felt the air in the room shift , his hands out in jazz hands and a fake smile on his face.

“ ta da “ he was met with your sitting body your pillow covering him from seeing you .

your face dropping in shock moving from his tall figure that stood inching over to the now huge hole that he was trying to hide from you

“ k-katsuki “

“ I told you about that “

“ s-sorry “

“ again I told you about that shit “ his gaze was hard on you

“ do it again and i’ll tell shitty hair to harden in the next hug he gives you — since you and that crappy puppy boy are always touching “ he mumbled

“ bakugou why are you — why does my door have a hole in it “

“ don’t worry about it “

“ h- w-how can I not worry about it my doors black“ you screamed in confusion “ it used to be brown bakugou “

“ bakugou it used to be this — bakugou — katsuki oh my gosh i’m sorry — god do you ever shut the fuck up and just be thankful “ he mocked you soon converting back to his anger ridden voice

“ and whats with this pillow take it away from you — I wanna see your fucked up face “

you sighed bringing the pillow from in front of your head his eyes having a look run through them that you couldn’t figure out but you knew it had something to do with how puffy your eyes felt . Even if they weren’t puffy or couldn’t get puffy you’d never known for a fact because it still felt like they were .

You two stared at each other as the silence grew louder him shoving his hands in his pocket before taking out the packet of pills he’d gotten for you shaking them to show you it wasn’t a weapon like Mr.Aizawa thought after finding him returning to school late and shaking him down like a police officer

his hand putting them on your desk

His other one throwing the water he found in the kitchen to your bed “ not throwing you the pills — need you to move around so you gotta come get em‘ “

your face showed no emotion as he nodded understanding the new tense and uncomfortable emotions thats were present “ ... ok — well got a green headed vegetable to go bully so “

you watched as his hands gripped the door swinging it open as you dropped your head eyes moving to the water in front of you “ why can’t I do anything right “

you cried “ why can’t the world — the days — the stars fucking align for me to feel good for once huh “

you felt even more tears prickle your eyes as your voice grew louder “ why can’t I talk to people without having this voice in the back of my mind screaming — raging like its having a party — why can’t I sit in silence without having to stand up every five seconds and move around because my body screams for attention — for movement because i’ve been sitting still for 5 seconds “

you heard the faint click of the door mouth still moving as if he were still there

“ why can’t I speak what I feel when people ask me“ you laughed shortly “ not like they do — because they can’t tell I just mask so well “

you let your face start to feel heavy and tense as you continued your crying rant into the empty room “ and most importantly why was I so bad at everything “ your eyebrows furrowed

“ why am I so bad at today ? “

“ just a day really ? “ you heard the taller males voice came out questioning

“ just today that’s what your worried about “

“ well I “

“ tch “ he shook his head before turning to face away from you his face dropping into a look he didn’t want you to see.

“ I-i’m sor— “ you knew he didn’t like you saying sorry or even using his first name you two had established that when he finally accepted your friendship or in his words

‘ you can hang around —like shitty hair but one sniff of blabber mouth and your gone ‘

“ I didn’t mean to spill to you I just — I — you can go —no one gives a shit anyways “

“ I will “

your body grew sad at his quick response

“ tell me what your most upset about “

your answer came quick as you let your brain take over “ I wake up in the middle of the night and can never fall back asleep when I do “

he moved to your door for a second time opening it to leave before pausing for a second speaking something to where you couldn’t hear much less make out

“ just knock “

he shook his head before closing the door softly to rival his usual mood.

Your body shaking when you finally realized you’d spilled out your mental thoughts to bakugou letting your body calm down before you grabbed the pills and silently thanked your friend before feeling yourself at some time finally fall asleep

It’s been days since you last felt that horrible it never stopped but you were able to hide it even more and live out your life the happiest you could

until one night you found you beating yourself up surprisingly not in real life but in your dreams

a loud gasp leaving your mouth as you sat up calming down only to bring your knees to your chest arms wrapped around them in a hug

your back moving to the wall to feel comforted after only feeling your cold hands and body wrapped around yourself

“ what I would give to have something warm “

‘warm ‘

your mind raced to bakugou trying to push the thoughts out your mind of him actually being a caring boyfriend who could help you like he did nights ago with bringing you medicine, a boyfriend who would let you snuggle into him and take all his warmt—

stop the track cause that song will never play you thought as you started to think about him again face made up in determination and focus as you tried to remember what he said that night feeling stupid when you finally remembered your quirk

the quirk that brought you pain and contributed to your mental health

your quirk allowed you to take pictures of everyone’s last moments you’d spent together with your thoughts

it was good in some aspects like right now when you could finally remember where sato helped you hide your candy bars from yourself so you wouldn’t indulge in them 2weeks ago

at the same time you can see your problem with it when the last moment you had of your mother was her kissing you goodbye before shapeshifting into a fire extinguisher and landing in your fathers hands as he screamed at you to run out of your home and get more help the last image you seeing of your father was him spraying the fire extinguisher all over the stove in hopes to calm it down before it spread but he couldn’t

it didn’t help when the pictures replayed in your mind like video home movies that you didn’t want to watch

whenever your quirk was used everything spun in your head like a movie reel the downside was it made you watch every single picture you’d taken until you found the one you were looking for

it didn’t take long before you finished your mom and dads memory and got to bakugous last moment you two spent together

you zooming in reading his lips turning up the volume on the moment as he spoke “just knock “

“ just knock ? “ you sat confused in your spot on the bed shaking off your quirk taking as long as needed to process his words only to be even more confused and just knocking on the wall twice between your two shared dorm rooms.

You never paid much attention to him being your neighbor it’s not like you needed him for anything so right now you were a bit curious in why he reminded you that you two shared walls

Eyes closing while you waited for whatever was supposed to happen

“ guess he didn’t mean it like th—“

your body softened when you heard music fill his room and overflow into yours

You heard the drums kick in as the lyrics played muffled through your wall

‘I listened to the cure

I listened to the cure

and then I cried ‘

your eyes widened before you felt your body relax against the wall eyebrows made up in content

eyes watering when you heard your two soft knocks returned on the wall behind you

you let your body go tenseness leaving as the song played moving to grab your phone with shaky hands seeing his name light up on your screen

Godzilla wannab

‘ no one gives a shit about your life right ? ‘

you cried even harder when you saw the message fit the song perfectly the words you spoke a couple days ago as if your were singing the lyrics

you looked around your room before falling on the dent he left in your wall grabbing your phone and zooming in on it to take a picture and sending it to him

Godzilla wannab

sorry your room was just so ass you needed some redecorating be thankful people tend to cry when I redecorate—just ask deku

you laughed as you seen him prepare to send a new message your heart swelling when you read it

Godzilla wannab

look this is gonna sound sus as fuck but

you bit your lip at the new message

‘ if you can’t sleep come over — your rooms cold as fuck and I know that pillow your hugging’s not doing shit ‘

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lilacandladybugs · 3 years

Text

Winnie the Pooh Rendition: Tommy and Tubbo go Mining and Nearly Capture a Tyrant

In the depths of Pogtopia, inside the pristinely decorated ravine, there was a singular patch of dirt Wilbur had gotten from an Enderman and placed underground. This singular grass block was his thinking spot. Whenever he was Feeling Things he always went to his thinking spot, to mull them over, and make sure all of the thoughts were quite thoroughly thought about.

Wilbur knew that this was an entirely reasonable thing to do, despite Technoblade’s claim that he was “simply sulking,” and “needed to go outside and touch some Real grass.”

“Nobody can help me,” Wilbur said to himself out loud, as he picked some grass and folded it over to see if he could make a whistle out of it. As it turns out, he could not.

“I am simply Miserable and Sad.”

He discarded the blades of grass, “Pathetic. Nothing means anything.”

After tossing the grass to the side there was a crash from around the corner, and Tommy came out with Tubbo trailing behind him.

“Hallo Wilbur!” said Tubbo and Tommy.

“Hallo Tubbo, hallo Tommy,” Wilbur replied, as gloomily as he could muster.

Tommy crossed his arms at Wilbur who was sitting on his grass block, “What has happened today?”

“Oh nothing in particular,” Wilbur said bitingly, “only there is a Tyrant in L’Manburg.”

“A Tyrant?” Tubbo said and he crossed his arms as well so he and Tommy were matching.

“Yes, just that, a Tyrant,” Wilbur responded.

Tubbo did not think that cleared anything up, but he figured Wilbur was not in a very explaining mood, so he kept his questions about Tyrants to himself.

Tommy however, was already scheming. “Well have a good day Wilbur!” he said.

“Is it?” Wilbur responded.

“A good day?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, it will be,” Tommy said. This would have been a concerning response to Wilbur, but he simply didn’t have the energy, and so Tommy and Tubbo were allowed to hurry out of Pogtopia completely unhindered.

Once they were outside and Tommy was confidently walking away from Pogtopia, Tubbo hurried to catch up to him. “What’s the plan?”

“Well, you see, there is one thing that we haven’t tried yet.”

“And what’s that,” Tubbo asked, always open to any untried ideas.

“You’re on my side, aren’t you?”

“Of course.”

“Well then,” Tommy pulled out his pickaxe, “I’ve already started building a huge hole, you see, and I’m going to make it because I think it will intimidate everyone. And then I’m going to use the resources from that to make a huge tower, and then that will also intimidate everyone.”

Tubbo squinted trying to remember the word Wilbur had used, “Even Tyrants?”

“Yes,” said Tommy confidently, “especially them. In fact this huge hole will attract Tyrants. We shall make it a very Cunning Trap.”

“Have you ever seen a Tyrant before Tommy?”

“Yes I have,” said Tommy, wondering what exactly a Tyrant was like, “actually I have seen many of them. That’s why I know that this Cunning Trap would work so well.”

“Where is the hole?” Tubbo asked.

“Reasonable question, reasonable question. It is right outside of L’Manburg, which should be perfect for trapping Tyrants.”

“But Tommy,” Tubbo said, “Why would a Tyrant get trapped in a hole?”

Tommy and Tubbo sat down for a second on a few logs to think it out.

Tommy’s first idea was that they put some diamond blocks at the bottom of the hole so that any Tyrants passing by would be tricked into falling inside, and then they could-

“Who’s diamonds would we use?” Tubbo asked, already feeling the ender chest in his inventory getting lighter.

Tommy also was thinking of his ender chest and said very quickly, “Well, never mind that idea then.”

Then Tommy suggested that they could put a sign by the hole that said, GET IN THE HOLE, because then the Tyrant would be so intimidated by the Huge Tower and Huge Hole and they would simply get inside out of intimidation.

“Would you get in a Huge Hole because a sign told you Tommy?” Tubbo asked reasonably.

“Well no,” said Tommy, “But you see, I am not easily intimidated. But you see, it’s going to go straight to bedrock, and Tyrants are notorious for being easily frightened, so I am sure they will simply get in the hole when they are told by a sign.”

This was a reasonable enough explanation to satisfy Tubbo, and so with the plan in mind, and shovels in hand, they headed over to L’Manburg.

Digging the hole took them a whole six hours, which was longer than Tommy had spent doing anything in quite a while. The entire time he and Tubbo chatted about how they had been doing, since Tubbo was gone so often with important spy affairs, as well as how Wilbur had been doing. Tommy informed Tubbo, as they got closer to bedrock and he got more tired, of how Wilbur recommended not digging holes, as it would make you out of breath, and how it often made one sore, and generally upset later on in life.

But despite the exhaustion of digging such a huge hole, the two of them finally finished, wrote the sign in all capital letters, and headed back to Pogtopia together.

“Well, goodnight Tubbo,” Tommy said, “I will meet you at L’Manburg at six o’clock tomorrow morning, and then we can see how many Tyrants we’ve caught in our trap.”

“Six o’clock, Tommy. And have you got any string?”

Tommy checked his pockets, “No, I haven’t killed any spiders today. Why?”

“To help lead the Tyrant home.”

“Oh,” said Tommy, “Well I think that Tyrants are really more for trapping and then keeping them trapped, so you can look at them sometimes. They’re not really for bringing inside.”

“Oh,” said Tubbo, once again thoroughly confused. “Are they dangerous?”

Tommy scowled, thinking about what Wilbur had said, “Not at all! Goodnight Tubbo!”

“Oh. Well goodnight then Tommy!”

Tommy woke up the next morning with his brain full of the word Tyrants. He could not for the life of him shake the question that Tubbo had posed last night about whether or not they were dangerous. Were they large? Did they have teeth? Maybe they could climb out of holes, like spiders could, and then he could get bitten, or eaten.

Most importantly, were they only for looking at, or were they for keeping?

And even more importantly, were they easily intimidated by huge holes?

As he walked out of his small dirt room into the hallway, he caught sight of a tall dark figure in the corner of his room. His heart pounding, and praying that Tyrants are not vengeful, he pulled out a torch and held it up to the figure. It was his old red balloon.

“On second thought, I believe that it would be best for Tubbo and I to walk to L’Manburg together. After all, Tubbo is very bad at directions, and needs someone like me to help direct him there. I always know where I am, so I can help him.”

When he walked outside his door, Tubbo was already there.

“Hallo, Tommy,” Tubbo said, “I thought that it would be better for us to walk together.”

“Yes of course,” said Tommy, “I am better at not getting lost.”

So they headed back to L’Manburg, as stealthily as they could, creeping over twigs and branches, and hopping across stones in creeks.

At first, Tommy was hesitant to go up to the edge of the huge hole, as it looked quite eerie in between the oak trees in the sunlight of the early morning. But then he remembered that he was with Tubbo, and he couldn’t let anyone think that he was easily intimidated. Intimidation was for everyone else, but it was certainly not for Tommy.

So instead, thinking confidently that he would get to see a Tyrant for the first time ever, Tommy crept up to the edge of the huge hole, and peered down inside.

“Oh,” said Tommy, feeling both relieved and disappointed at the same time, “I have been very foolish again, haven’t I?”

“No,” said Tubbo, looking into their empty hole, “You’ve done a good job.”

“Well what can we do for Wilbur? There is a Tyrant in L’Manburg and he is Moping about it.”

They sat down again on a couple of logs to ponder their options. This time, Tubbo was the first one to have an idea.

“I have a sort of idea,” Tubbo said, “though I don’t suppose it is a good one.”

“I don’t suppose it is either.”

“Hey!” Tubbo said, and they both laughed, feeling better already. “Well I was thinking that we could use my silk touch pickaxe and give Wilbur some more grass blocks to sit on.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” said Tommy. He thought a little bit about whether there was anything that he could give to Wilbur. He thought to himself and thought, and rubbed his forehead quite hard. He thought about his little dirt house, and his three furnaces, and his oak doors. Then he remembered waking up that morning and being frightened by the balloon in his window.

“I know what I can bring him!”

“Then let’s meet him there,” said Tubbo.

“At twelve o’clock?”

“Twelve o’clock.”

Tommy collected the balloon from his dirt hut and immediately headed back to Pogtopia with it, going maybe a little too fast for his own good. He just knew that Wilbur would be happy to have a bright red balloon inside of Pogtopia, it was so dark and damp down there. And grass blocks would also help him to feel more like he was outside.

Tubbo and Tommy approached Wilbur slowly, as he was still lying on his grass block Thinking about Things. “Hallo Wilbur!” Tommy said. Willbur sat up to look at them.

“Hello Tommy, is it somebody’s birthday?” he asked, looking at the balloon.

“No, we’ve just come to give you something that might make it easier to not Think about Things anymore.” He handed Wilbur the balloon. “You see, it is a good red balloon.”

“Oh,” said Wilbur, “that’s my favorite color of balloon actually.” He stood up, “In fact, I think this balloon would go very well with my Pogtopia interior design.”

“I got you something too Wilbur,” Tubbo said, and handed Wilbur a stack of grass blocks. When Wilbur saw the grass blocks, he said, “This is perfect for my thinking place! Now maybe Technoblade won’t say I need to go and touch Real grass anymore!”

“Well, I think you should probably still go and touch other grass-”

But Wilbur didn’t hear them, as he was placing grass blocks over and over all over Pogtopia, with his red balloon trailing along behind him.

#tommyinnit #tubbo #dream smp #dreamsmp #fanfiction #eslyea #wilbur soot #l'manburg #winnie the pooh au #oops i didnt mean to post this yet #queue bugged

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maraudersbutmuggle · 3 years

Text

The hole you left

Content Warning: Depression, Psychological Abuse, Bad Parenting. London, July 27th, 2012 Regulus woke up late. Nobody woke him up like they used to. He looked at his clock. He started to panic. What about his routine? Surely Mr. Vance would arrive soon for his piano lessons... But then, Regulus remembered what had happened last night. Sirius left. Sirius was gone. Regulus felt a chill run through his body. Regulus tucked into his covers. He didn't feel like doing anything today. Even if he felt guilty of not doing anything and missing all his activities. Sirius probably wouldn't care. Where was Sirius? Was he okay? Regulus sat down and picked up his laptop. He opened Facebook. Surely Potter would know something. Surely Sirius was with him. Regulus began to type some message to James. But then he regretted it. Regulus had always known Sirius prefered James more than him. Sirius was happy and laughing when Regulus saw him through the halls of Hogwarts, with his friends. Sirius wasn't like that with Regulus. Not anymore at least. Each time that Regulus had tried to talk to him, he was in a bad mood. They used to be best friends as children. Not anymore. And Regulus missed his brother. Regulus walked to his window and opened it. He craved a cigarette. Barty had taught him how to do it last term. Regulus had found it relaxing. But Regulus had smoked for the first time with Sirius. The previous summer at Marbre Noir. The castle was too big for their parents to notice. Regulus remembered how Sirius laughed when he coughed. "You'll get used to it" he had said KNOCK, KNOCK. Regulus jumped and turned off his cigarrette, tossing it through the window. "I'm awake" "Time for breakfast sweetheart" Regulus' mother sounded cheerful. She was in a good mood. Regulus frowned. He didn't understand how. Sirius was gone. And Regulus was in a bad mood. Regulus got dressed and prepared to go downstairs. But unfortunately, Sirius' room was on his way. The door was half-opened. Regulus didn't want to get in. But he had to. Sirius' room was a mess, which provoked Regulus anxiety. He hated mess. Regulus had to have everything in order. "Bloody tosser" he murmured Regulus stared at the posters on the wall. Rock bands, Naked girls on motorbikes. Even a few of his drawings. "You said you were gay, is it true?" Regulus sighed and got out of there before his anxiety got worse. Regulus let out of some breath. He didn't like not having Sirius around. He was always around. Lately in a bad mood. But he was there. Regulus wondered if he would ever see him again. Regulus climbed down the stairs. "Mother..." he would ask her to bring Sirius back, she could do it. Maybe make Orion apologize. Walburga was in the back yard. The Blacks only had breakfast there on good days and special occasions. Today it was neither. "Why are you eating here?" Regulus was feeling overwhelmed by the constant change. Walburga ignored him. Instead she smiled. "Good morning, sweetheart" she said "Come sit down. What do you want for breakfast? Pancakes? Pancakes are your favorite" "Okay..." Regulus sat down. His mother was smiling brightly. "Samantha... Pancakes for Regulus and a coffee for me" "Yes madam" Samantha bowed. "I am confused" Regulus said "Sirius is gone. Why are you happy?" Walburga's smile disappeared. "He left, Regulus. What do you want me to do, cry?" "I cried a lot yesterday. I'm sad, because I miss him, aren't you?" Walburga was silent for a while "I'm sad too. But I am mostly angry" "Why?" Walburga turned to face Regulus. She stroked his hair gently. "I want you to understand something, darling" she began "Sirius left because he wanted to. He'd never liked it here" Regulus didn't answer. "Did we kick him out last night?" "No. He left" "Exactly" Walburga smiled "But because Orion hit him" Walburga turned to look at Samantha who was serving them. Samantha seemed uncomfortable. When Samantha left, Walburga spoke again. "Is better if you don't tell the servitude that" she murmured "But it's true" "Your father only hit

Sirius because he was being

bad-mannered" Walburga said louder "You saw that. You saw how Sirius was yelling. He didn't respect his parents" Regulus didn't know how to respond. So he didn't. "Is it true? Uncle Alphard is gay?" Walburga sighed and nodded "I saw him kissing boys on various occasions. It is true" "I don't mind it" Regulus answered "I don't mind if Sirius is gay too" Walburga got furious. "It's not about that, Regulus" she said "It's about how your brother always prefers everyone more than us, his family. Alphard had been feeling his head with ideas against us. And he is a rebel. You know how he drives me insane" Regulus had seen Walburga cry many times because of Sirius. He hugged her. He had comforted her. Walburga had told Regulus how much she loved Sirius. About how he was impossible to manage. How she tried so hard to get along with him, but he didn't let her in. "Do you like him, mother?" Walburga's eyes filled with tears. "Of course I like him" she answered "He is my son. Just like you" Regulus believed Walburga liked Sirius. It was Orion who was a bad guy. Regulus didn't like his father. "Sirius prefers that woman, though" Walburga continued "Euphemia Potter. She is the 'perfect mother' for him. And he prefers that Potter kid over you. You know that, right?" That was true. Regulus hated it. It hurt him. "We are gonna let him have 'his perfect family' then" Walburga spatted "See if he doesn't miss us" Regulus wanted to yell. "Can I talk to him at Hogwarts?" "If you wish" Walburga nodded "But I doubt he would want to talk to you" "I'm angry..." he said "I know sweetheart, I am angry too" "This is bullshit!" "It is bullshit indeed" Walburga smiled "Now eat your pancakes before they get cold" "I'm not hungry" "Okay" Walburga said looking through her phone "Also don't tell any of your friends the real reason Sirius left, okay? We'll invent an excuse" "What are you doing, mother?" "Deleting all the pictures of Sirius" Regulus blinked. "If he wants to erase us from his life, then I'll do the same" Regulus stood up. He was definitely not hungry. He just needed a break. Regulus' temper was boiling up. The thing was that he wanted his brother back. But Walburga was right. He always prefered the Potters. None of this would've happened if Sirius would have stayed put last night, like Regulus had told him. But Sirius always needed to make a mess. Sirius always provoked everyone. Maybe he was planning on leaving all along. And he had left Regulus alone. Regulus hated change. And now he had to forget about Sirius. A very important part of his life. Regulus got to Sirius' room. He clenched his nails on his palm. He was furious. Sirius was a mess. And Regulus was furious. "FUCK YOU SIRIUS!" he yelled to nowhere. Sirius prefered James Potter. And Regulus was furious. He began tossing everything to the floor, breaking everything he found, destroying everything. "Aaaaaaaah!!!" Sirius had abandoned Regulus. And Regulus was furious. After his outburst, Regulus collapsed to Sirius' bed exhausted. He hugged Sirius' pillow. Sirius wore too much cologne. And Regulus missed him. Tears ran down Regulus' cheeks. "Fuck you, asshole" Regulus cried "Why did you leave me?" For Sirius, his friends were his everything. For Regulus, Sirius was his everything. His best friend. Not Barty. Sirius. And now, Regulus had lost him forever. Regulus broke down crying.

#marauders era #muggle au #marauders muggle au #regulus black #sirius black #walburga black #autistic regulus

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