#I have a lot of work to do because I neglected my academic responsabilities for months and now I must suffer the consequences lmao

[luciddownloading]

Tarot Reading (Pick A Card): Messages From Your Inner Child 🧸

Hello and welcome to or welcome back for another Tarot reading. I felt very inspired to do this one today, possibly because of my own recent inner child work. It's pretty self-explanatory. We will first see what traits your inner child has; how you were as a child and how you still carry that around. Then, we'll see what messages your inner child has for you. Being in touch with the child within can make you more in touch with your emotions and needs, which can, therefore, bring you clarity on emotional problems or external conflicts you may be avoiding or struggling with.

I don't know what kind of messages will come out but I have a feeling that some of what I will be channeling will be on the heavier side. The inner child can, of course, carry so much of any trauma or abuse a person may have experienced growing up. So, keep that in mind.

And I am taking reversals again, btw. I just felt called to. So, see which image or images you feel most drawn to and then see what you need to know about or hear from your inner child. As always, use your intuition to know what resonates and if it's your pile or not. This reading may not be for everyone because of the messages being channeled.

PILE 1

PILE 2

PILE 3

PILE 4

PILE 1

YOUR INNER CHILD'S TRAITS

The Hermit (reversed)

Knight of Pentacles (reversed)

The Tower (reversed)

Ten of Cups (back of the deck)

Aw, Pile 1. I want to give the little version of you a hug. This is some really emotionally charged energy here. I feel like there are a lot of feelings about your childhood that you have yet to process. Maybe you're on the younger side still, like your early to mid 20's, and you haven't dealt with that yet. Or you could have just begun your healing journey or you're just about to. Either way, your inner child feels very, very close to your adult self, as if you are still that child that you were then. This could be in positive ways or in ways that held you back.

I definitely feel like you were very introverted or spent a lot of time alone. You might have been shamed a lot for that. Adults around you, in particular, could have thought your introversion was odd or tried to push you out of it. Not realizing that you can't really change that about a person! However, although there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, some of your behavior was a reaction to your environment. You often felt unsafe and judged and overwhelmed and you would totally retreat within your own little world in order to cope. You could play with your toys, read books or watch movies all day with little interaction with others.

You were constantly wishing you were somewhere else. You definitely could have hates your home life and even your hometown. You had a lot of fantasies about moving away or running away. You might have even tried to run away from home, when things got too crazy. But, I also feel like you were the rock in the family. You didn't need to be and shouldn't have been. You were just a kid. But, your home atmosphere was very turbulent and your family members could have been very unstable or thrived on drama. You might have felt like it was your role to be the sane one in the house or else everything would truly crumble. I can see you being a mini adult and being the one to listen or give advice or calm things down. If you had younger siblings, that's different. But, if you were doing this with older siblings or your parent(s), that could be a big source of trauma. Who was taking care of you?

You were either a huge overachiever or major underachiever in school, as a response to this parentified role. Either you felt like getting straight A's and being the model child was your key to survival and receiving love or you were so exhausted, neglected and even depressed at home that you couldn't be bothered with school. You might have even underperformed academically as your way of rebelling. People might not have understood the extent of your issues at home. One or both of your parents were all about appearances and making people think you had a perfect family.

I do think that you developed a deep-seated dream of the perfect family, as a child. You could have looked at your friends' families with envy or longing, wondering why couldn't have a family as nice or caring or stable as that. You might have even spent a lot of time at certain friends' homes, to the point where you became an honorary member of their family. It was a nice escape from your home. Again, I also think you became a major caregiver as a result of your upbringing. You were especially gentle with younger kids and very aware of how you treated them. You also couldn't wait to grow up and become a parent yourself. You could have personal placements in Scorpio or the Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) especially Virgo. Your Moon, in particular, may be in one of those signs. Your inner child is a real sweetheart and determined to give others the love that he/she/they didn't feel. That even extended to your relatives, even if they weren't always acting right. And this affected them very deeply. They may not have said so or treated you well but you were truly the warm, loving nucleus of your family. A light in the midst of the dark.

WHAT YOUR INNER CHILD WANTS TO SAY

The Empress

Three of Swords (reversed)

The Chariot

Judgement

The Fool (back of the deck)

Okay, this is interesting. So, what I said earlier about your healing journey just beginning could definitely apply to a lot of you. But, for a minority of you, this is describing the healing that you have already done and how far you have gotten. Either way, your inner child is coming through to say how absolutely proud they are of you! They are either proud because of all the progress you have made or the changes you are on track to make in order to heal.

You have or will become the kind of adult that your little self always needed. It is okay if you are crying right now because I am tearing up, too! Lol but you are fully capable of giving your inner child all the love and safety and support they were missing while growing up. You have spent so much of your life just giving, giving, giving that love away. That's what you learned to do. You learned to survive your daily life by giving love to people who couldn't receive it and/or couldn't give that love back. And that has carried over into your friendships and your love life. You are SUCH a loving person but you actually have a very hard time receiving love. This is why you are so drawn to unavailable people in love, for instance. It's what you know and because they can't truly be there for you, it keeps you feeling safe. That's a subconscious thing but attention is being drawn to this pattern (and many of you already know this).

You have had your heart broken very badly before in love because of this pattern. But, you know what? You refuse to give up on love or life. You refuse to shut your heart down. And if you're feeling tempted to harden or go cold, this is your warning to not give into that. That is not you! However, it is going to be important for you to incorporate a little bit more of your head. You lead with your heart and have a huge heart. Your heart chakra is one of your most powerful chakras. But, you will need to remember the power of discernment and boundaries. Don't just give your love to anyone! And align yourself with friends or love interests who can pour into you. It's not your duty or obligation to pour into them! Let yourself receive and attract good love.

I am getting that those of you who chose this pile have a very strong feminine energy (and, of course, you could identify with any gender). A message from your inner child is coming through about that. In some way, you weren't allowed to fully own your feminine energy as a child. Your family could have shamed or mocked you for it. You could have been pushed to be more masculine in a way that felt inauthentic to you. Something about a mother figure is also coming through. She could have been the main one shaming your femininity and possibly because of her struggles with her own. She could have been more on the controlling or suppressive side, not that nurturing or understanding.

However, you have the power to be a great mother figure to yourself. So much of your adult life will be about stepping into your Divine Feminine essence and healing the shaming you received for it as a child. And many of you will find other mother figures to connect to and feel truly nurtured by, whether it's surrogate mothers in the physical, feminine ancestors and spirit guides or even goddesses who have that motherly energy. Take what resonates.

All in all, your inner child either wants to prepare you for or congratulate you on creating a completely different life as an adult than the one given to you as a child. This could even mean cutting certain relatives off or your immediate family as a whole. Whatever feels right to you! You are in charge now. But, I can see you, throughout your healing, having huge and sudden realizations about your upbringing or your behavioral patterns as a result of your upbringing. These breakthroughs will lead to sweeping changes. But, also, don't push yourself too hard. A big part of your healing will depend on being gentle with yourself, especially since you didn't get that at home.

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PILE 2

YOUR INNER CHILD'S TRAITS

King of Pentacles

The Emperor (reversed)

Ten of Cups

Eight of Pentacles (back of the deck)

Pile 2, it seems like you grew up in a home/family that was very patriarchal. I am picking up a father figure with a very strong presence or personality. It could have been a grandfather, too. Maybe you were raised by your grandparents. I am also seeing a beard. Either your father or grandfather could have been known for their beard. But, whatever paternal figure you looked up to, I think they were very solid, consistent and grounded in an impressive way. They shaped a lot of your values, especially your work ethic.

Interestingly, I feel like there is the influence of two father figures here. It could even be a dad and a stepdad. Or two dads! Whatever the case. But, I feel like you were much closer to one than the other. For a lot of you, I do think this is the case of a grandpa that you were very connected to and a dad who you had a lot of issues with. Possibly the reverse! Take it how it resonates. Regardless, one of these father figures made you feel very restricted and invalidated and even controlled. He was very strict and rigid in ways that deeply impacted you.

It's also interesting because not a lot is coming through about you. I don't think, as a child, you were given much space to have an identity of your own. Some of you come from very big families or there was just a lot going on at home. You might have felt unseen and neglected. I think the financial part of your home life was fine. It was a case of emotional neglect. And you had a very deep need for your father's approval and recognition. It was something you just couldn't get but you tried your hardest (and that may still be continuing into adulthood).

The one way you were able to get attention was by achieving things. So, you put a lot of effort and energy into being the best. You also might have had a very competitive relationship with your siblings, for this reason. You could have birth chart placements in Aries or the Earth signs: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn. Your Moon could be in one of those signs, especially Aries or Capricorn. In many ways, you were a very masculine child. You may have been sporty and athletic, tomboyish, or just very assertive and direct. I do feel like your inner child has anger issues. Even though you could be sensible and level-headed, that inability to feel heard or validated could really, really frustrate you. But, that would just get you into trouble, especially with the aforementioned father figure. Maybe, at times, you would act out because that was a surefire way to get noticed by him.

WHAT YOUR INNER CHILD WANTS TO SAY

The Moon (reversed)

Page of Wands

Queen of Cups (reversed)

Five of Swords

Three of Cups (back of the deck)

Okay, I feel like the message here from your inner child is actually about your family. You have spent your life remaining oblivious to many of the dynamics in your family. If you do recognize some toxic patterns, you will just brush it off as not that big of a deal. But, you are underestimating the importance of these issues. They will catch up to you sooner or later. I am honestly feeling like your inner child is having a kind of That's So Raven vision of something bad happening soon. Except that's a sitcom and this won't be so funny. (You might actually have clairvoyance, too, and not realize it yet) But, you KNOW trouble is brewing. The tension keeps building on something and that'll keep happening until it boils over.

That sounds ominous, I know lol. This is not to scare you. If anything, it's to wake you up because you know what's going on and what's not right. You're just ignoring it. I hate to say it but certain family members might be hating behind your back or hoping you fail. That might not even be entirely conscious. But, when people are really struggling with their own insecurities, they take it out on people who are doing well. Are you embarking on some sort of project or new venture? If so, there are relatives who may be doubting you, criticizing you, even working against you.

There could be a betrayal from someone in your family that you don't see coming, even though anyone else could from a mile off. You just blind yourself, at times, and give them the benefit of the doubt too much. They want to keep you small. You are good at outdoing a lot of your competition, whether you realize it or not. But, you aren't given enough credit. It's that toxic thing that some people do of choosing to not praise you, even though you absolutely ATE without a crumb left on the plate, because praising you, in their mind, would make them smaller. But, that means that they were already small to begin with!

I am getting that this reversed Queen of Cups could be a draining mother figure in your family. If your father was emotionally unavailable, then she was emotionally exhausting. And an emotional vampire can feel very threatened by your success because that means they can't feed on your energy anymore. This could also be a sister, aunt, grandma or even a male relative with a lot of feminine energy. But, they can make you feel very manipulated. And, in the end, they could still love you. This could be so unconscious they don't even know they're doing it.

The little version of you is coming through to tell you to not be deceived by this kind of behavior. This relative may even try to talk you out of your dreams and goals or instill fear. For some of you, I feel like you are pursuing something very creative; a talent you have had since childhood but may not have fully maximized yet. For others, you are already doing it and it's about to take off. Whatever your abilities (and they don't necessarily have to be artistic), I think it's something this Queen of Cups may envy, especially if it's something they always wanted to do.

In terms of your hard father figure, there is a message here to stop trying to impress him. At what point do you decide that you're an adult who doesn't need their parent's approval to thrive? Your inner child is quite exhausted with jumping through those hoops. Just live your life! Liberate yourself. And that liberation may involve taking a break from your family or getting some distance, even if it's for a little while. Maybe longer! It will depend on the type of shit that goes down. I have the feeling that you grew up in a very "close-knit" family. But, close-knit in the sense of codependency and doing things together more so out of habit. If you are still living at home or in your hometown for whatever reason, now would be the time to go elsewhere. As I said, there's not a lot in this reading about your separate identity. I think you need to spend some more time totally on your own to figure out who you are as an individual.

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PILE 3

Two of Pentacles

Five of Swords (reversed)

Eight of Wands (reversed)

King of Swords (reversed) (back of the deck)

Pile 3, I get the feeling that, wphile growing up, you might have taken on quite a bit just to make your family happy. Your inner child can be quite a people pleaser. I think you have always hated arguments and drama and conflict. So, you would do and say whatever was necessary to diffuse things or ease the tension. You might have personal placements, particularly the Moon, in Air: Gemini, Libra, Aquarius. You were a more laid-back child, agreeable and easy to get along with. But, you also struggled with intense inner conflict because you were so busy trying to alleviate any external conflicts and this had a way of eventually spilling out.

Your inner child is very fearful and anxious. I definitely get the vibe of "walking on eggshells". Again, you never wanted to do or say anything wrong. I think the consequences when you messed up could have been especially harsh or even cruel. So, this made you feel very self-conscious and insecure. Many of you could have had a father figure who was pretty much verbally abusive. His words could be extremely harsh and destructive and he might have given you his worst. The ways in which he tore you down may have stuck with you for life and you still haven't healed from it, in some way, is what I am getting.

Your inner child definitely needs a big hug! I don't feel like you got the emotional nourishment that you needed while growing up. That was kind of a foreign concept in your house. You were tended to on practical and intellectual levels. As a result, your inner child can be incredibly needy in ways you don't truly understand. Because of that insistence on the practical, you still focus heavily on the practical now, at the neglect of everything else. I am getting the message that if you are putting too much energy into work, it's because you have some sort of emotional problem you're not dealing with. I think you are simultaneously very close to your inner child but very detached from them. You have many emotional wounds that you feel like you can just ignore or suppress. But, it will come out, in some way or another.

I think that exploring and confronting your inner child can be very scary for you. You would rather not deal with those issues. But, you have to deal with them or else they will deal with you! You're also a little too comfortable in the old patterns of childhood. Not much has changed in terms of the dysfunctional way you deal with things. You get terribly afraid of disappointing people and causing conflict, which inevitably creates conflict. And you can be so, SO hard on yourself. You have a very mean inner dialogue that is just an echo of all the mean things your father figure planted in your head. It's really intense. Your inner child is just crying out for help and comfort because it's like they keep getting beat up again and again.

WHAT YOUR INNER CHILD WANTS TO SAY

King of Swords (reversed)

Seven of Cups (reversed)

Death (reversed)

The Magician (reversed)

Two of Wands (reversed)

Wow, well, this is really heavy. I don't know if you approached this reading expecting to hear what I am about to tell you . But, on some level, you know you need to hear it. First off, what is so striking is that the King of Swords in reverse immediately popped out again. You know that meme of Jasmine Masters, the drag queen, where she's like, "Well, just as I thought. Trash!" That's what just came to mind because I feel that way about this father figure represented by the reverse King of Swords. They are so mean and nasty and so miserable. Always has been and might always will be. Yes, I am dragging them lol. Maybe I should be impartial but fuck it. I feel like you need that because them showing up again here confirms how much they have wrecked your self-image and self-esteem since childhood. They made you believe that YOU are trash but you weren't the problem. They are still so deep in your head and under your skin and that's the first thing you need to heal.

You have spent your whole life afraid of turning into them, too, and you don't see how wonderful you actually are. We do NOT have to be our parents. We are not automatic clones of our parents. So many people just become a lot like their parents out of conditioning and an inability to shape their personalities in a different mold or break the cycle. Maybe you too have tendencies toward being harsh or cold but some of this is just a defense mechanism. You're not perfect but that doesn't make you the worst person alive. And that doesn't make you your father. Again, I really don't think you see how kind and lovely your heart really is because no one consistently made your little self feel good and lovable.

Another message I am getting is that I feel like you get sucked into super-dysfunctional situations that mirror your childhood issues. You might easily fall into either very toxic or very unfulfilling relationships. You felt trapped and mistreated as a child and you now fall into situations where you feel trapped and mistreated. Certain partners may even have made you feel like it's not possible to leave or survive without them. If you're in such a relationship now, PLEASE seek help and know that it is possible to get out. You also don't have to hide what you're going through out of shame.

Yeah, the relationship thing is a major message here. You can settle for terrible partners because you don't feel you deserve something better. You may feel like you have no other option. You can also just settle for being alone and pushing good things away because the prospect of losing something good is too scary for you. I feel like these are actually not messages from your inner child but real guidance from Spirit and your Guides. They want you to heed this advice so you can actually begin the process of healing and nurturing your inner child.

It feels like you have been extremely resistant to change, in the past, and developed a sort of learned helplessness. I think it's the vulnerability of your hurt inner child that wants someone else to gallop in and save you. But, no, you can save yourself. You can be your own hero. You can prove to yourself, your family, and anyone else that you are so, so much more than your trauma or all the horrible and inaccurate things you were told about yourself. But, you have choose that path of healing. You have to make the conscious effort. The reward of it all will be reconnecting with your child self and recognizing that they were and are so much more lovable and special than they were told they were.

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PILE 4

YOUR INNER CHILD'S TRAITS

The Hierophant

Ace of Wands

Three of Swords (reversed)

King of Cups (back of the deck)

Pile 4, I definitely feel like your inner child is an old soul. You had a maturity and wisdom to you beyond your years as a kid. So much of that just had to do with the strength and frequency of your soul. You lived many, many lifetimes before you incarnated. You're a highly spiritual being and I really get the feeling that many of you were incarnated in order to heal some sort of generational trauma in your family. You have a very strong bond with at least one or two of your ancestors, who either passed on before you arrived or when you were very little, to the point where you may barely remember them. But, they serve as a Guide to you and they're actually hijacking the reading a bit just to tell you how proud they are of you and how much they love you.

You were a very compassionate, very loving child. I actually wouldn't be surprised if you were also drawn to Pile 1 because this feels like an extension of that pile. You are a born empath and healer, a light-worker, but you, of course, didn't know that as a child. You just knew you felt everything deeply and cried when others were in pain, that you could feel the pain of the adults around you without them even telling you. And you didn't understand why you didn't quite feel like a child. There was a heaviness and seriousness to you, an intense emotional depth. Yes, you could still be silly and playful. But, you were like some ancient 2000 year old creature stuck in a child's body.

Yet, you were also very enthusiastic, passionate and spirited. You might have had a big personality that felt often stifled by the adults around you. I am sensing that many of you grew up in a very traditional or very conservative family that you just could not fit into. You could have been made to feel bad about your free spirit, your fiery side or colorful nature. For some of you, being so sensitive, this stifled you and made you turn inward. You could have experienced a personality shift where you became shy, quiet or reserved. However, you found your escape in creativity. You displayed a lot of creative talent, at an early age, and this became an outlet for all your self-expression and strong emotions.

Many of you could have had a very religious upbringing, too. While it may have been very restrictive, I feel like a lot of you enjoyed going to church and what not because of your high spiritual vibration. It wasn't about the religion itself but the communion with God/Spirit/Source. That created a very solid foundation of faith that you have carried with you throughout life, even if you left the church and moved away from religion, which a lot of you did. But, you remained connected to Source and developed a very powerful spiritual life as an adult.

Yeah, I do have a hard time exactly feeling like your inner child is a child. Of course, there can be trauma associated with that feeling. Maybe you did have to grow up too fast. But, people online nowadays think so much in terms of therapy language that some of them fail to realize that being an "old soul" or "miniature adult" is not entirely the result of trauma. That's also just who you naturally were as a kid. You could have birth chart placements - the Moon sign, in particular - in the sign of Taurus or the Water signs: Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Your inner child is very perceptive and insightful. You saw the wounds in your family members, especially adults, and somehow "knew better", on an emotional level, than them.

Many of you had turbulent upbringings and suffered a lot of hurt yourself. A result of cycles being repeated. But, you never let it break you. I also think you were highly protected on a spiritual level. Very powerful Spirit Guides of yours acted as parental figures on the other side. They're the ones who raised you, emotionally and spiritually. There is a caring father figure in Spirit form who was especially present. It could have been your actual father who passed, a late grandfather or uncle, or even just a Spirit Guide who plays the role of father in your life. But, this is a masculine being who has always provided you with both strength and comfort, who has been there every time you shed tears. They love you so, so much and are so proud of how far you've come. Such a beautiful message! Again, that's a bit of a side note but they are very integral in the character, integrity, and depth you've developed since childhood because your 3d family could not give that to you.

WHAT YOUR INNER CHILD WANTS TO SAY

Queen of Swords (represented)

Ten of Pentacles

Four of Cups (reversed)

The Empress (reversed)

Two of Wands (back of the deck)

This is so interesting because every single pile has had major messages about a parental figure. But, this is about your inner child so that makes total sense. Your inner child is drawing attention to your mother figure here. She may not have been easy to deal with as a kid or even now as an adult. She could have controlling, abusive or narcissistic traits. And I don't easily throw the "narcissist" word around but that's what I am feeling called to say. You know if that resonates.

But, you are being asked to look at your mother's lineage and side of the family as a whole, which I feel is probably very female dominated. I think they were the source of a lot of your childhood trauma. Examine the family history and ask yourself how patterns have repeated or been passed down. Ask yourself how your mom was treated by her mom. Are there parallels? Can you see how that shaped her? And I think you're already good at processing those things but your inner child kind of wants you to not just see your mom as your mom. Really think about when she was just a child and how she probably felt the same way about her mom as you felt toward her. Whether or not you forgive is your choice. But, having more perspective on her could be healing.

Your inner child also wants you to examine your relationship with women, as a whole. Depending on your gender or sexual orientation, this could differ. But, I feel like you have recently been betrayed or heartbroken by a woman who you were very close to, either a good friend or a romantic partner. She could have displayed the same narcissistic or malignant traits as your mom or other women in your family. And that could be a haunting realization - that you are somehow attracted to that dynamic - but this recognition also leads to healing. If you're a woman, you also may have a horrible fear of becoming these women. But, no need to fear. You are the cycle breaker, honey! It ran through your family until it ran into you!

Regardless of your gender, I think you were meant to be a beautiful example of the Divine Feminine. But, you need to be aware of what kind of feminine energies you're drawing into your life. Whether male or female, you could really attract close connections with women who want to control you or make you feel small, who are jealous of your beauty or abundance or confidence. This is an echo of things with your mom and shows you where you need to heal that inner child wound. You are not doomed to be near feminine narcissists but these relationships need to serve as a lesson. So, you can avoid them in the further and attract truly supportive, genuine feminines into your life. You deserve to be your fullest self and not shrink for someone who supposedly loves you.

There is so much that you could have become, in a negative way, but you didn't! Your mother or that toxic feminine serve as a sort of inverse mirror image of you. Your Guides are congratulating you for not becoming that and moving down the right path. Also, a big part of your destiny will be having a family. I think the majority of you will want kids but, for a few of you, this could also mean fur-babies. I also feel compelled to say you're quite close to establishing that family of your own.

I am not saying you'll get married in a few months! But, I think a lot of you either will meet/reunite with the person you'll marry very soon (this year is what I am getting) or you are already with them. And this will lead to a family. Again, don't worry. You have already done all the healing work you have needed to do, including possibly cutting toxic relatives out. If this is your mom and you are struggling with that decision or missing her, it's okay to feel that way. But, you did the right thing! Think of how unhappy your life would be if you didn't make the decision to heal or distance yourself. You are setting yourself, your future spouse and future children up for the kind of fulfillment you didn't have.

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Thanks for stopping by! You can check out my other readings and posts here:

MASTER LIST

#tarot #tarot reading #channeled message #pick a card #pick a card reading #pick a pile reading #pick a pile #pick a picture #inner child #inner child work #inner child healing #spirit guides

[spectrumgarden]

I keep thinking about how no one seems to think about nuance when it comes to like, the concept of "autistic traits / symptoms" and discussing them, and how that is intertwined with the push to not consider it a disability. And its complex to discuss, but here's my convoluted thoughts. I know it's long but I hope people will take the time to read it.

There are in fact people who do fit some commonly associated with autism traits that are not impaired by them. Let's make up a guy, for a second:

They like routine and repetition a lot but easily handle change in them. For example they wear the same set of clothes for years with no desire to ever branch out, but if you made them wear something else they wouldnt really be bothered by it as long as they dont think it's super ugly, etc. They like to watch the same movies over and over but happily agree to watch other things with their friends when spending time together, and are engaged and interested in those movies. Etc. They speak very formally or choose "complicated" words for things that could be expressed easier. They however do not face problems with communication beyond annoyance of others because they're able to rephrase things easily to be understood, and they also have a normal back and forth in conversations and initiate conversations normally. They sometimes engage in subtle self stimulating behaviors and recognize the desire to do so during boring or stress inducing times (which pretty much everyone does, btw). They dislike loud environments but do not respond with melt- or shutdowns or any other "severe" reactions, and while for example preferring to go to a museum over a club, they easily go through their daily life in busy areas like city centers, shops or cultural events like parades without issues beyond like, mild annoyance and no desire to stay for longer than necessary. They have strong interests in seemingly random topics and spend quite some time researching or engaging with those, but they do not view the world through the lense of said interest, they do not neglect caring for themselves or fulfilling academic or professional responsibilities because they are so engrossed in their interests, they are easily able to hold conversations about other topics. I could go on.

This person would not be diagnosed with autism by any doctor who pays attention to the impairment clause of the diagnosis. They would probably be told "you're subclinical / you do not meet enough criteria / ..." While his person would probably relate quite a bit to (parts of) descriptions of (level 1 and / or low support needs and / or high masking) autism. And this is an imaginary person I made up, but these people obviously exist (and as a side note, are probably what people refer to when they talk about "everyone being a little autistic" etc)

And this person being told they're not autistic might be upset. Because clearly, they have so many autistic traits. They relate to so many videos! But the thing is! There is no impairment! The one thing that connects all of the symptoms related to autism to the actual diagnosis. This does not mean they do not in fact relate to the autistic experience. This does not mean these parts of their life or personality are fake / non existent / not important to who they are and how they experience things. But it is important to differentiate. If they consider themselves autistic, if the world considers them autistic, it waters down the definition to a point of being categorically useless from a medical standpoint, from a standpoint of figuring out who needs support and in what ways. Who needs (early) intervention, who needs extra support in school or at work or at home or in public.

And like. Humanity at large will probably always want to shove themselves into random categories. "Which character are you like?" "What is your personality style?" "What is your star sign?" or "which sports team do you support", and countless more come to mind. I dont think this imaginary person is wrong or silly for wanting to find a category of people they are like, or recognizing this similarity with some autistic people. I wouldnt even mind if they made up a non-clinical category / group of people who relate to autistic experiences without the impairment. It would get the point across that it is a group of people with shared experiences, but it is not the same as autism.

However autism is increasingly treated like something thats just a personality type without impairment, by people online and offline. And when they go "this is an autism symptom" without nuance, without looking at the need for impairment, or even differential diagnosis, it spreads that attitude. "Liking to eat the same foods is an autistic trait"... or is it normal to have food preferences to a degree if it does not cause you stress to eat new foods, if you are capable of eating other food if hungry and presented with them and not the food you prefer? Or is this person anorexic and their mind has created categories of "allowed to eat" and "not allowed to eat" based on arbitrary categories relating to their fear of weight gain? "Only eating with small spoons at home is a common autistic trait"... or is it a harmless preference as long as you are still able to eat food outside a strict routine set up with zero possible deviations? Or is it a person with OCD and eating with small spoons is a compulsive behavior for some sort of intrusive thoughts?

I could go on forever. But in the end, these short sentences are all the same. They are, at the same time: autistic experiences and allistic experiences, because they are so non specific. They are watered down and any additional information is removed.

autism is about a specific combination of experiences that impair you. That's literally all it is. It does not automatically turn us into a category of "other" that is fully not possible to relate to, because we are human too. And some of it will be relatable to people that are not autistic!

And there is value in discussions of experiences of autistic people that go beyond the impairment, as long as we do not forget about it, or treat it as secondary instead of the defining factor. I dont mind if autistic people bond over something they're not impaired by, that they see as a common experience, for example not easily going along with authority. Being creative. Preferring the small spoon (without being impaired by it while having other impairments), whatever, and call those common autistic experiences. But those are not the pillars of what make up autism and solely relating to them should not be your reason for calling yourself autistic. Neither should relating to commonly impairing symptoms without being impaired by your version of them. The impairments resulting from abnormal development are what makes someone autistic.

There needs to be more nuance, detail, when discussing autism symptoms. And the push to, at the very least, expand autism into an area of experiences that do not cause impairment of any kind, or worse claim it never caused impairment, need to stop. It does not help anyone.

I genuinely think part of the whole "everyone is autistic these days" crowd who likes to go after people and invalidate them has picked up on some of this, but they lack the skills to criticize it for what it actually is and / or they want there to be a simple solution, which is that everyone who calls themselves autistic online who does not fit their very stereotypical view is faking. They are wrong of course. But I dont think this comes out of nowhere. There is something to criticize about how autism is treated in many circles, especially among younger people.

I'm really not sure how to end this post because I like to come to some conclusions on my long posts but just. Uhm. The way some people treat "autistic traits" as completely unrelated to the impairment they cause while staying exclusively autistic traits is wrong. The way people try to redefine autism is harmful and in the end not needed because they could simply invent other words for that experience.

#actually autistic #autistic adult #autistic community #actually disabled #i feel like im poking a sleeping bear with this one. poking a hornets nest. whatever #but yeah it needs to be said i think. and i have the privilege of my “smart sounding” speech being more likely to be listened 2 so. *shrugs #long post #(very long... oops. i think this is the longest thing i ever wrote on here) #also this took me. i believe over 2 hours to write! im not good at this actually! i moved 80% of these paragraphs around multiple times - #- deleted entire paragraphs. merged them. rephrased things again and again and again #its exhausting #because when i think about this i can think through this entire concept in a couple minutes but trying to get it across takes hours ://

[camp-counselor-life]

finding your blog has inspired me to do this during my gap year. I'm not enjoying school atm so I'm hoping to catch break from academics and jobshadow or work as a junior camp counsellor. i'd love to know more about your story. also, do you have any tips or advice?

Hi friend, that's awesome! I totally understand not enjoying school and really wish I'd taken a gap year at several points.

My story is that I grew up in Girl Scouts and did a lot with it. I moved for college but worked at my childhood day camp for two summers. I also ran events for my local council while I was in college as part of a student group. Then, in winter 2014-15, I realized I wasn't happy in my path and applied for a job as a curriculum writer. Then I applied for summer camp and became the CIT (counselors in training) director. The next summer I was the director (long story) and then did two summers as assistant director while I was in grad school.

When I graduated, my current job became available. I applied and was hired. I've been in this position ever since. I run events, support parents and volunteers, work with the community, and more. The blog encompasses both camp stuff and my work stuff (as well as some random stuff from my life).

I have tons of tips, and they're in a variety of tags. One is my tips and tricks tag, which I've included on this one. Camp asks is another one, because those are all the questions that people have asked over the years. Some top tips are:

Take care of yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup.

You will get better the longer you do something, including being a camp staff. Your first year won't be perfect, but do your best.

Kids come first when you're on duty. Like, don't neglect your basic needs, but also you are responsible for them and need to act like it.

Every kid is different and has something they bring to the group. It's your job to bring that out.

Best wishes!

#camp asks #camp counselor tips and tricks

[dulcesiabits]

Hi hi hi, it’s time to talk about lunar sigh, my 9k xiao fic! So, fun fact. I actually came up with the idea for this fic last year, from the results of a poll I did about my blog!

1. The plot of this fic is actually pretty simple! I was inspired a lot by shoujo manga, especially skip to loafer (please check it out if you can!), and wanted to write something about growing up and the difficulties of connecting with others. I was worried lunar sigh wouldn’t hold up compared to my other genshin fic, especially because it’s more slice of life, but (author bias aside) I think it holds pretty well!

2. I have a lot of notes on the other characters and their backstories! I’m sad I didn’t end up with enough time to explore them, so I’ll just share my general thoughts on them below.

Zhongli: His wife, Guizhong, died when Hu Tao was very young. He’s a history professor, well-loved by his students, but infamous for his long-winded lectures. He’s the type who notices more than he lets on, but prefers to let the “youngsters” work it out for themselves.

Hu Tao: A trouble-making high school senior. She’s the class clown, but worries a lot that no one really likes her outside of that role. Has a surprisingly difficult time making genuine connections with others, and she’s stressed by college applications >_< !

Ganyu: She’s a very lonely person. Ganyu focused a lot on academic success, and graduated early and at the top of her class. But she feels like she missed out on a lot of opportunities (such as school dances) because she spent so much time focused on succeeding. Now that she’s accomplished her goal, she realizes she doesn’t have a lot to do outside of work...

Childe: An easygoing guy who’s generally well-liked, but tends to keep his cards to his chest and is close to very few. He doesn’t get involved with things he considers boring. Loves his family, and tries to keep it a secret that he hangs out with a less than great crowd for a rush of adrenaline.

Scaramouche: Ei is not his mother, but his aunt. His mother is Makoto, who died when he was very young. He reminds Ei too much of Makoto, so she has a hard time facing him. Scaramouche considers Ei his mother, and lashes out in response to her perceived neglect and abandonment of him.

3. The scene where reader ate dinner with Zhongli and his family is inspired by my own memories of eating hot pot at my uncle’s house :,) I just wanted to sneak in something about my own culture, haha. It’s a part of the story that’s personal to me <3

4. I just wanted to make a note that though reader is private, tries not to rock the boat, and is a big people pleaser, they tend to be more playful around Xiao and Ganyu, because they feel comfortable with them! I imagine that once they feel more comfortable with who they are, they’ll become the sort of casually affectionate person who likes to tease their loved ones. They were heavily shaped by the relationship they had with their parents, and it’s something they’re going to struggle with a lot, even if they’ve found some peace currently.

5. Do Xiao and reader love each other? Of course they do! I hope it comes across that they’re important to each other, even if they don’t explicitly say “I love you.” The nature of that love is up to interpretation, but it’s a very strong feeling, regardless. Xiao has cared about reader ever since that day when reader gave him their umbrella, and Ganyu is sick and tired of Xiao pestering her about reader. Ganyu is Xiao’s wingman, but her machinations go largely unnoticed and unsaid.

6. Childe and Scaramouche are reader’s friends, but are they really? I imagine in a canon-verse au, reader would be a hapless Fatui subordinate Childe and Scaramouche like to mess with. Childe isn’t particularly attached to reader, and Scaramouche treats them condescendingly. All three hang out because it’s convenient... and I doubt that they’ll remain friends now that reader has worked through some of their issues. Scaramouche fit too well as an antagonist, because I just didn’t think Childe would pull that role off properly, though he can be quite cruel in his own way…

7. I had a difficult time writing Xiao’s dialogue. When I was reviewing his voicelines, I realized that the way he came off in the chinese vers and the english vers felt very different, and that left me unsure as how to proceed. I tried to keep a gruffness to him that belied his kind heart (he expresses his affections through acts of service; did you notice?) but because his experiences in a modern au are so different from the canon genshin verse, his way of speaking is a lot softer. Still, I hope everyone loves him regardless!

#liya’s author notes #let me repeat some tags from lunar sigh: #whew!! i cant believe im done #I hope everyone enjoyed reading it!!!! #there are some lines and scenes I ended up cutting which makes me sad #haha maybe i can reuse them for a future fic... who knows? #I wanted to write the umbrella scene… OTL it would have been so cute… #i wanted to flesh out reader’s relationships with Childe and their dad more but. there wasn’t enough time #and I didn’t want it to be too long #sigh…

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

‘Extreme’

This isn’t a post about kink. (Sorry.) It’s a post about how my perspective and understanding of the word ‘extreme’ has always been warped because of the experiences I had with my family, particularly my parents, growing up, and how that affects me now.

My mom was a workaholic and still is a control freak and a passive aggressive emotional manipulator. And my dad is probably somewhere on the autism spectrum (but never diagnosed or accommodated) and a yeller with a mild gambling problem. I come from a huge, working-class, Catholic family (both sides) that was (and still is probably except with us because we’ve pretty much separated ourselves from it) in each other’s business ALL THE TIME. And because of how and where I grew up, there are a lot of things that ARE extreme (like moving the furniture and appliances in your house including sometimes the REFRIGERATOR at least once a week; like having 12 kids; like marrying before you’re 21; like exploding in irrational catastrophizing anger at every imperfection or curveball life throws at you; like everyone talking over each other all the time; like living with constant criticism; like feeling guilt about anything that makes you any kind of happy; like parents ignoring and neglecting and resenting their children openly; like being responsible at age 12 for raising your infant/toddler/younger sibling(s)) that I considered normal for a long time. I mean well into adulthood and even my own marriage and family life with J. Especially the being responsible for my brother thing. I sacrificed a major academic opportunity in high school for my brother. I didn’t stay away from home for college for my brother. I often sacrificed my social life or just added my brother into it. He went bowling with my friends with me; he went to baseball games with my friends with me. I treated my brother from age 12 to age 23 like he was MY kid. That’s EXTREME. But I just thought it was normal.

And there are things that are NOT extreme at all (like crying when you are sad or overwhelmed; like laughing loud when something is funny; like wanting to share an accomplishment to celebrate with or seek advice about a problem from your parents/family; like calling a parent when they are at work to check in or especially if you are scared or need help; like getting hugged or told ‘I love you’ by your family; like wanting a connection with another person outside of your family) that I was led to believe were extreme. Crying when my grandmother (the person I was closest to in life until I met J) died when I was 11 was ‘too much.’ It was being dramatic. It was being a baby. It was going to extremes. Having panic attacks about letting people down because I wasn’t good enough or perfect was being desperate for attention. Having friends call the house to talk to me on the phone was too much (DEFINITELY going somewhere with them in the world was a lot). Wanting to date in high school was extreme, but somehow also NOT dating boys who called me and NOT having romantic interest for other people was also extreme. I got told I was too much and I expected too much often. Oddly I also got told I was never enough and never good enough pretty often too. Either way, it was clear from direct communication and implication that I was extreme. How I behaved was extreme. The things I wanted from relationships with other people were extreme. And that’s why I was alone and probably would always be alone. I was extreme and that made me basically unlovable. According to them. And I believed that. I believed I was extreme for a long time, and sometimes I still do feel like I’m being extreme, when I’m really just being human.

And then I met a few important people to me. People who love me even though I got told I was extreme and unlovable, or at least hard to love.

Me at 15: Shit. <My 4 year old brother> is sick. How am I gonna get dinner made and do the trig homework now? :( My friend A: Call your mom. Me: I can’t call her at work. (NEVER call Mom at work. Maybe even if the house is literally burning down. You know fire safety, Jen. Half your dad’s family works for the fire department…handle it yourself…) A: Her little kid is sick and you have trig homework due! *That’s not right, Jen.*

Me at 19: I can’t go bowling until like 10 when my mom gets home from work. I have to watch my brother (who was almost 8, and it was pretty clear at that point he was probably on the spectrum like my dad, but my mom wasn’t hearing that from the professional childcare workers and educators who told her so). My friend S: *That’s not RIGHT, Jen.* That that’s on you.

Me at 22 at my first job: (I called my 11 year old brother every day when he got home from school; he walked home from school alone 1 block at 3:30 and would be home alone until I got home from work at 5:15) He’s not picking up the phone!!! <panic> My friend E: Call your mom (whose job was 10 miles closer than mine to home). Me: <again> I can’t call her at work. I’m going to have to ask <our boss> to leave early and check on him if he doesn’t pick up this time. E: *That’s not right, Jen.* I mean, yes, you should check on him. I know you’re worried, but…that should be your mom or dad calling to check on him every day and leaving work early…

Me, telling J a story about when I was 13: …and I walked down 25 (major 4 lane divided highway) to the library… J: What?! By YOURSELF?! Me: Yes? How else would I get to the library? J: An adult would drive you? On *25*. Me: What adult? J: Did you take <brother, who was 2 then>? Me: If I had to. I pushed him in an umbrella stroller. J: *That’s not right, Jen.* Shit, you aren’t allowed to walk down 25 by yourself NOW. <3

For all that repetition of ‘That’s not right, Jen,’ it never really sunk in until several people said it to me several times about varying things I relayed to them like it was totally normal, but it was clear what I’d said was actually extreme. To the point that it made a lot of people say, ‘That’s not right, Jen.’

I’m not extreme. I never have been. It’s not extreme to cry, to laugh, to show anger or frustration when shit is not fair or not working out, or to want some consistency in your environment and reciprocation and consideration in your relationships. It’s not extreme to have personal boundaries or to want your own life without constant sacrifice for other people. It’s not extreme to want to be a kid when you’re a kid. The expectations and responsibility put on me were what was extreme. And probably the expectations we’re still putting on a lot of people, especially kids, is extreme. We shouldn’t do that to anybody, but when it happens to kids, they can grow up, like I did, thinking those expectations are normal. And it’s a lot of work to undo that and the anxiety it causes.

[paulmchlantonio]

"No Longer Knew"

"Every day, my greatest accomplishment was getting through each hour without battling a breakdown..."

A student who excels academically, with numerous merit awards, dangling gold medals, and outstanding grades. The kind of learner who doesn't appear to need to study much because she is naturally wise and knowledgeable. The one who gets to feel the excitement of walking onto the stage and taking the certificate that your hard work has earned. For this young woman, the universe of a student revolves around that paper, that medal, and those certificates.

 

Sheril Ann Armea has been an honor student since she was in elementary school. Never fails to bring home medals and accolades at the end of the academic year. A woman whose unanticipated happenings change her path in life.

Sheril used to enjoy studying a lot. Every day she looked forward to going to school because she would see her favorite teachers and classmates, learn something new, and be challenged by the tasks assigned. She has never found school boring, which is why she doesn't get tired of it. When she was in elementary school, she used to arrive early to play with her fellow students before assembly began. They would run around the ground level while their shoes were off, getting their socks filthy. She used to be so happy and carefree, often smiling as she played.

 

When she started high school, she wasn't prepared for such a major shift. Going from a public school to a private school and from a free-spirited environment to one with strict rules and regulations was a bit of a cultural shock for her. She was afraid since she had assumed that high school would be difficult. Nonetheless, happiness persisted. She made new friends—lifelong friends who have remained by her side up to this point. In addition to her friends, she always feels at ease in class, thanks to her teachers. The manner in which they behaved as though they were her second parents while her real parents were preoccupied. She gained confidence in herself by learning to rely on someone else sometimes.

Sheril wasn't used to putting in a lot of effort into her work—she doesn't even stay up late to finish projects—but something about her time in high school suggested that this would change. She was always trying to be more creative, thinking a lot about her projects, and doing a lot of things that she wasn't used to doing before. Perhaps it is due to the influence of those around her who excel academically, or perhaps it is a want on her part to become a more responsible student. Only she could tell.

 

The pressure rises and becomes more difficult to bear as the years go by and the school year comes to an end. Sheril always strived to accomplish better than she had every year. She would go to any lengths, including staying up late, to engage in all the terms she needed to memorize for the test. Neglecting everything but her studies.

"I got addicted to it. I became dependent on these validations..."

In most cases, people would feel relieved if they had only made two exam mistakes, but Sheril's situation is different. Rather than being happy if she only made two mistakes, she would ask why she had forgotten those questions. She'd exhaust her mind for a few days and then beat herself up, accusing it of not being able to hold all that information. The trouble is that those close to her were unaware of her problem. She could be careless with other things because no one was watching out for her. If she keeps going, it will be difficult to recover from the damage she started.

 

"I have lost track of why I am doing this. I couldn't even remember the reason that had pushed me to do this..."

 

Have you noticed? "Happiness" was no longer being said. The woman became so caught up in her problem that you would never hear it again. Everything began to fall apart when she attempted to do something that damaged her mental state. She changed when she made that decision to go above and beyond what was expected of her, to let the fierce competition within her ignite, and when she tried to surpass her parents' expectations. She isn't pleased because she no longer enjoys what she is doing. It wasn't the same as it used to be when school was her haven of safety and enjoyment.

 

"It's crazy. I always ask my teachers now about what grades 'Ganto' and 'Ganyan' got so I can compare them to mine, and I was never like that before."

 

Sheril must know about the problem; otherwise, she won't be able to said all this. Fear and uncertainty had turned her into a different person by beating her up. Although Sheril is a fighter, she was slowly losing it. Hopefully, her traits of fierceness and coldness was kept unchanged, despite her being an achiever. She might be able to live life to the fullest again if she can just allow herself to battle this.

 

"Even if it's still hard for me, I think can handle it. I just hope that if I can figure out the cause of my problem, I could also find a solution to end it."

-

Written by: Antonio, Paul Michael

#biography

[lalawrites17]

Breaking the Stigma: The Harmful Effects of Smart Shaming

"Kaya mo na yan, matalino ka diba."

"Akala ko ba magaling ka"

"Edi ikaw na"

"Dami mong alam"

Smart shaming comes in many forms. It could be as simple as dismissing the thoughts and opinions of someone you believe to be smarter than you, or it could be an offensive joke about someone's intellectual capacity, or when you expect someone to know or be good at something. Most individuals would think these are small and harmless, but for some, it affects their self-esteem and performance in school. I am aware because I have been a victim of smart shaming, though I was too young to realize it. The people around me have put a lot of pressure on me because I have excelled academically since elementary school. People who assume you should be good at everything because you do well in school and get disappointed if you fail to meet their expectations.

In some instances, I refrained from expressing my opinions and ideas since some of my classmates would make side comments like "Walang nag tanong" or "Edi ikaw na magaling." I was initially someone who is curious and voices her thoughts, but these reasons caused me to stop cooperating in classes; I stopped taking on academic responsibilities; and, worst of all, I became introverted and silent. Who would’ve thought those little things would have such a great impact on someone’s self-esteem and the molding of their character? And that’s the point. We have no idea what effects our words and actions might have on a person. Especially to academic achievers, which we often neglect because we assume it’s not a big deal.

Admittedly, entering and surviving junior high school was excruciating for me. Until I found the right people who helped me get through my struggles and helped me come out of my shell again, and before I knew it, I was slowly becoming the person I was before. Their kind words of encouragement made me want to try again. Their sentiments made me ask myself, “If they think I can be better, why can’t I?” That’s when I started motivating myself as well. I slowly rebuilt the confidence I lost and practiced being cooperative in classes again; even though I’m unsure of my answers, I will still try. I stopped listening to people’s criticisms and assumptions about me and worked at my own pace. Slowly, I was back to being the confident, active, and expressive girl I was before.

No matter how minor the signs are, smart shaming is not, nor will it ever be, acceptable. It is hurtful to those who work hard to achieve academic success and may also affect their character development. If you are experiencing smart shaming, it is important to remember that your intelligence and hard work are valuable assets. Don’t let other people tell you otherwise. Some tips for dealing with smart shaming include finding a supportive circle of individuals without the toxicity of crab mentality or an inferiority complex. Surround yourself with people who appreciate your intelligence, push you to focus on your goals and accomplishments, and speak up when you encounter disrespectful behavior. Remember to be proud of your intelligence and never let anyone make you feel ashamed of it. Don’t be afraid to speak up because YOU deseRve to be HEARD.

Let us educate ourselves as to what smart shaming is and how prevalent it is nowadays. Let’s end the stigma TOGETHER!

-Deligero, Princess Shiela Marie

[exactlyshadystrawberry]

5 Effective Techniques for Self-Motivation

Nothing on this worldwide is out of our reach, so long as we placed our minds to it. Self-motivation is virtually described as our capacity to execute what’s predicted from us without the have an effect on others. Our capacity to self-inspire ourselves is a cap potential that contributes to our success in numerous situations. Throughout professional, academic, and social settings, I have been capable of embody self-motivation in hundreds of ways.

What is self-motivation?

Self-motivation is the best form, the stress that drives you to do things. The hassle relies of self-motivation, however, is away from simple. People can be stimulated via manner of many things, every internal and external, along with the choice to do something, love of someone, or need for money. Usually, motivation is a prevent surrender quit end result of several factors.

Make it proper right into a goal

It’s no thriller that desires have power. In fact, putting desires is one of the essential secrets and techniques, and strategies to conducting your desires. Writing your desires down and breaking them into smaller chunks makes them loads more manageable. Your desires need to be SMART desires.

Specific.

Measurable.

Actionable.

Relevant.

Timely.

Small goals are good goals too

Not all desires need to be large. Many times, mine are not. I awareness more on the smaller bite-sized bits. For example, in recent times I actually have to finish a blog put up, go to the bank, grocery store, several distinctive errands. These are not large duties that I need to get accomplished. However, this blog put up is essential.

Schedule it

In reality, have tried now not maintaining a “to-do” list and flying with the useful resource of the usage of the seat of my pants. That’s normally as quick as I neglect approximately or don’t get spherical to 1/2 of the subjects I need to do. From my non-public experience, I am hundreds more inexperienced if I maintain a “to-do” list.

 I select 3-5 essential responsibilities that I want/need to carry out each day and write them down. In a separate column, I write down the little subjects too. All the possibility little stuff gets finished most of the gaps within the huge responsibilities.

To-Do list hack

Furthermore placed a TIME on my to-do list. For example, this morning, preferred to stroll for 20 mins earlier than eight am this morning. Because I had it scheduled, saved it and I simply have turn out to be completing my stroll at approximately 7:45 this morning.

You don’t omit appointments with one-of-a-kind human beings, just like the doctor’s administrative center or a huge commercial enterprise business executive agency. You are essential, and so the responsibilities and subjects which you want to get finished. Schedule it in, and preserve the appointment with yourself.

Remember your why

Even the maximum fun responsibilities can on occasion appear as they drag on and on and on. Does something which you as quick as placed pleasure in appears to have out of region its spark? Remember why you’re doing it withinside the number one region. I love writing those weblog posts. I love blogging, however maximum of all, I love my readers.

When I undergo in thoughts why I am writing, to assist and encourage others, the phrases come an awful lot extra easily. I count on it makes for an awful lot extra thrilling put up too. I LOVE reading feedback on a number of my work. It’s encouraging. Though I will even though write without it, it makes me experience right to apprehend that my posts have helped someone.

Eliminate distractions

You may be a terrific deal extra at an undertaking at the identical time as you eliminate distractions. I can kind pretty all at once as quickly as I am focused on what I am writing. The phrases appear to fly off my hands and straight away to the screen. However, if I in truth have the TV going withinside the background, or if I in truth have human beings continuously interrupting me, I am a terrific deal loads an awful lot much less effective.

It’s hard to maintain my mind proper away and hard to popularity at the undertaking. When you are making extra development, you’re extra introduced approximately to preserve that development and observe it thru to the surrender.

Learn more about it

If I do now not identify what I am doing, I find out it difficult to inspire myself to begin or see it via. The lack of information is an excessive catch 22 situation to motivation and progress.

How are you able to do what desires to be finished in case you don’t apprehend what to do withinside the number one region? This is in which life-extended studying comes in. As a former teacher, I LOVE lifelong studying. In fact, that one of the subjects that I experience approximately jogging a blog is that I am continuously studying new subjects.

Conclusion

Self-motivation does now not in reality happen. Self-motivation strategies are real actionable subjects that you can begin education if you want to encourage yourself. If you best collect one or skills, they’ll though assist. However, in case you begin using all five self-motivation strategies, watch your productiveness SOAR! I assume you may marvel even yourself! The rush of success can get nearly addictive, in a wonderful way.

#web developer #app developer #system developer

[wizkiddx]

heyheyhey idk if u do req but love your dad tom stuff! PLZ PLZ do tom helping his kids with homework but cant do it and reader has to help and its all fluffy 😩💕

ye im down to do req and this had me going completely ott cos its v cute (and a lot less angsty than what ive written recently aha) so apologies for my ramblings:

Summary: tom has the kids for a day and maths homework throws a spanner in the works - tomhollandxreader

implied smut + v slight reference to porn but basically just fluff I promise xox

\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////

Tom had dealt with a lot of whining today. Nova and Leo were the absolute joys of his life, there was no doubt about it. Of course, he also loved you a hell of a lot too - sometimes to his detriment though, hence the position he was in now. 

You’d had a busy week at work and he had been away for the first half of it - leaving you as an almost single mother to a 5 and a 7 year old. So completely fairly, you’d asked if he wouldn’t mind watching the kids for a the day on Sunday, allowing you to go to a friends baby shower. There was no answer but to agree, Tom loved quality time with the kids and he wanted you to kick back and relax with you friends too. 

However the afternoon had not been nearly as idealistic as it were supposed to be in his head. You had left him only one real job (apart from the unavoidable essentials of keeping the kids alive with food and water, something you’d hope he need not be reminded about now). Really it shouldn’t of been that hard, it was just each kid had two pieces of homework. After convincing and cajoling the kids into sitting at the table which he’d already set up with Nova’s ‘Liverpool FC’ and Leo’s ‘captain marvels’ pencil case, the English was easy. 

In fact 5 year old Leo took great joy out of writing a poem with his Dad, which basically involved trying to rhyme any word with another - especially when he tried to convince Tom that all his completely fictitious words were real and worked together. A personal favourite had been ‘snakes’ and ‘palakes’ which Leo was convinced meant pancakes - arguing so vehemently Tom almost started to doubt himself on basic English. 

Thankfully though his eldest and most sensibly child eventually took him out his misery. If anyone had any control over the Holland boys, Leo and Tom - it was the Holland girls. You and Nova had both boys completely under you spell, often taking advantage of the fact too. It was only when Nova got bored of hearing Tom and Leo mock arguing, interspersed with the little boys giggles that Tom tried his absolute hardest to keep a straight face at, that she swooped in.

“Stop being silly Leo, mummy told you he’s not good at school!” She looked oh so innocent, eyes immediately flicking down to continue the little short story she was happily going on with. In response  Tom scowled, knowing your highly curious and intelligent daughter had asked you (for one reason or another) why he was not so academic. Yet instead of Leo bursting out laughing, instead he just nodded and accepted it too - making Tom scowl even more. Not even Leo thought it was a joke. 

So apart from his children apparently taking pity on his simple mind, it was all going smoothly. Perhaps, due to the thankful fact your children had inherited their brains from their mother - something Tom was forever thankful for, until he was shamed for his substandard intellect in the family. Then again though, he was Spiderman. So take that. 

Until Nova brought out her maths sheet. Then the afternoon quickly descended into chaos. It was fractions, something she hadn’t quite grasped from school yet - a concept that still hurt her head somewhat. Normally though it’d be fine, she’d bring the sheet to you and the two of you used ‘ girl power’ to figure it out… you prior experience as a tutor while in uni helping you know how to break through to her. 

Unfortunately Tom didn’t share this same experience. Nor did Tom share a maths qualification… something that had evaded him completely during his schooling career. Of course, it had never been a particular issue, acting didn’t require the use of maths and algebra and Tom was in a very lucky position of being able to pay someone to manage his finances from a very young age. So no, dividing 2/3 and 3/7 didn’t come the most naturally to him. Or at all to be quite honest. 

“I CANT DO IT AND GRACE IN MY CLASS COULD!” For context, Grace was one of her school friends, who forever liked to compare herself to the young Holland - especially because she was normally ahead. Nova had gone from quiet frustration, staring at the questions with her tongue sticking out slightly, to one of pure rage - yelling at her dad with tears in her eyes. Nova was normally incredibly intuitive, she always found it difficult when she couldn’t do something. Now, with a ‘teacher’ who was more useless than her - the frustrations inevitably bubbled over. 

“Hey, we can work it out, just calm-“

“YOU CANT DO IT EITHER YOUR STUPID “ She was just young and frustrated, Tom tried not to take it personally but … it wasn’t always easy. Chiefly because this was the height of offensive statement Nova knew - this was her version of adult explicit language. 

“Nova you can’t be rude.” He used his stern voice, something Tom very rarely used with his little girl. Though he never wanted to upset her, neither did he want her to think it was ever okay to be so rude to anyone like that- no matter how crappy at maths they were. It hurt him to do so but it was necessary - life lessons about the importance of being kind needed to be learnt. And it worked… if what Tom was aiming for was his beautiful baby girl’s eyes to brim with sparkling tears, her bottom lip quivering slightly. 

Instantly Tom’s eyebrows drooped, trying to fight his natural reaction to scoop her onto his knee and reassure her everything was okay. But as you had lectured him many a time before, he had to put his foot down once in a while. So instead, the father and daughter were locked in a silence and intense eye contact, until Nova hesitantly began to speak. 

“I’m sorry Daddy.” During which, Nova shoved her chair back, making it screech against the tiled floors uglily before running off up the stairs. Tom knew she was crying a lot. Knew this was going to take a bit of fixing. 

With a sigh of his daughters name, Tom popped his head into the living to check on Leo who had already finished all his stuff. Seeing him completely zombified in front of ‘paw patrol’ on TV, Tom trudged up the stairs. He knew where she was, when Nova was upset she always hid in the corner of her wardrobe and cried in the darkness. So after steadying himself with a little internal monologue of how to approach the situation Tom walked in and sat down beside the wardrobe - knocking on the door slightly. 

“Nova… can we talk please?” All he heard was sniffing echoing from the wooden chamber until she tried to shout through the door.

“Go-go… go away daddy.” It broke his heart, the way her voice wavered, making Tom pout - gently letting his head fall against the wardrobe doors. 

“I don’t want you to be upset beautiful…. And you did apologise which I appreciate. You know why Daddy got angry right?” Her sniffles heightened before she muttered a quiet ‘yes’. “And you are sorry? Because that might’ve made me really sad too.”

“I’m s-s-sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“Then that’s good and we don’t need to cry. You want a cuddle little one?” Before Tom could even properly get up the door was being pushed open by her little hands, revealing a tear stained face and big glassy eyes looking up at her Dad. Swiftly Tom scooped her up and out of the cupboard, whispering to her while she buried her face in his chest. 

“Oh come here my little bean.”

//////////////////////

When you came home late that evening, only mildly exhausted from spending the whole day gossiping with your girls, it was weirdly quiet. All the lights were out in the front room, which made you close the door gently, thinking Tom had managed to exhaust the kids - and himself in the process. With a relieved sigh at the peace you pattered into the kitchen to get yourself a drink (it had been a little concern that Tom would’ve worked the kids into a hyperactive and delerious state that kept them up long past bedtime - which ultimately you’d have to deal with). The house was remarkably silent and though it was clear from the littered toys everywhere that it had indeed been Tom alone in charge, everything seemed pretty okay. 

It was only as you were about to head upstairs to join your hubby in bed that you realised the study light was still on, streaming through the small crack in the doorframe. Assuming Tom had just neglected to turn it off, in otherwords Tom being Tom, you nudged it open with your hand. Surprisingly though, there was your husband, hunched over the desk, looking almost angrily focused - between the computer screen and a piece of paper below him. Normally you would’ve just assumed it was another script sent over or an edit Harry had sent of another screenplay they were writing together. 

But no, the blatant red flag was the screen that you could see. A screen on YouTube, of a man pointing at a whiteboard of fractions. 

So with a soft wrist you wrapped your knuckled on the side of the door, even if you had technically already entered the room. The reaction had you stifling a laugh, it was as if you’d caught him watching something *less PG* the way he jumped out his seat, closing the browser immediately. 

“Love!! I -er … didn’t know you’d got back?”

“I just did.” You smiled gently, while walking into stand behind his chair, wrapping your arms round his neck and pressing a kiss to his jaw. “Soooo…. what’ca doingggg” The glee in your voice was evident, making Tom groan and shut his eyes. 

“I hate you, you know that right?” 

“No you don’t… but you were watching a primary school video on fractions, if I’m not so mistaken?” He sighed deeply, making a point of turning the paper with his scribbles over to obscure it. 

“Nova’s homework.. she couldn’t do it and neither could I, so then she basically screamed at me for being thick and udseless and then had a breakdown.” 

Now you felt guilty. This was a bit of a sore spot with Tom, he always for some reason felt inferior because of his academic ability. Which was stupid- mainly because he was the most clever and talented man you’d ever met. Just…. Just not at fraction. 

“Oh T… you could’ve just left it for me to do with her, I don’t mind.”

“That’s not the point Y/n.” He snapped a little, shrugging your arms off him and spinning in the chair so he could face you. “She’s my daughter and I should be able to help her! It’s not like it’s that hard, it’s just I’m unbelievable thick.”

“Tom stop. Look - you can do this I assure you, it’s just been a long old time ‘kay? Your rusty and that’s only natural.”

“I really don’t think I could ev-“

“Can I teach you? It’s just the method and then I promise you’ll get it.”

It took a bit of persuasion but eventually Tom agreed, letting you pull the corner chair forward to beside his desk so you could demonstrate it to him. To be fair, he really could do it- just a bit of familiarising on the ‘stick-change-flip’ method. The way the lightbulb moment literally caused his face to light up; scurrying to do the question for himself, tongue sticking out in the process; then presenting it to you proudly - well it had you melting in your seat. 

“See! That took all of 5 minutes and you got it.” You elbowed  his side by leaning forward in the chair, which instead of letting go, Tom reached and caught, before pulling you up and round. You landed with you bum perched on the edge of the mahogany desk, Tom now stood up- his legs in-between your parted thighs - your feet hooking round the back of knees. 

“It’s all down to my incredibly talented teacher.”

“No…. No I really don’t think it is” You mused with a soft voice, fingers instinctively going to the nape of his neck - twirling the little curls round your fingertips. 

“Well even so… I think I could teach you a thing or two too.” Never one to mull on anything, Tom’s tone had immediately switched to something a lot more… mischievous. 

“Not even going to ask about my day? Wheres the chat mr smooth?” He had to repress the grin at your smirk because as much as you infuriated the hell out of him - you also had this weird ability of making him feel so entranced and helpless. He relented with a sarcastic chime.

“Fine, how was your day love.”

“Good…. but I have a feeling you’re about to make it a whole lot better.”

That was all the signals he needed to lean forward, in doing so forcing you back until your back landed completely on the cool wood. His lips feathered yours, both hands pinned either side of your head.

“Oh darling… you have no idea.”

#tom holland #tomholland #tom holland fluff #tom holland x reader #dad!tom #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x you #fluff #Tom Holland angst

[deltas-writing-corner]

Courtship (4): The Gargoyle Graveyard

Fandom: Twisted Wonderland (Malleus x GN!reader)

Author note: Again, thank you all for being patient with me and I apologize for having a very inconsistent writing schedule. I'm going to make it my goal to update on a bi weekly basis instead of leaving you all in silent limbo. Also a reminder I suck at figuring out which warnings to put so if there's something that needs to be forewarned that I failed to disclose please lmk!

Warnings: Mentions of heavy bodily injuries | childhood trauma/neglect | discussions/mentions of discrimination | mentions of virginity/sexual history

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AO3 version

Clay. Stone. Porcelain. Plaster. Metal. There are even gargoyles carved entirely of wood! Some statues are stand-alone works of art while others are part of a clear collection or series of similar inspiration. They even come in all sorts of shapes and sizes; as small as an apple or a towering height to rival Malleus himself. No matter what, each grotesque has been crafted with the utmost consideration, by well seasoned and knowing hands. Even the ones that have clear defects and cannot serve their intended purpose are free of overabundant ivy, weeds, or dust. There’s a clear degree of love and care the family who makes these statues has for their craft that makes him feel less alone in his interest in an uncherished form of art.

“It should be around here somewhere,” you muse aloud. Ever since he expressed interest in seeing more sculptures made with non-traditional materials, you’ve been keeping your eye out for a particular one that would fulfill his yearning. You eventually find it and eagerly point to it. “There it is!”

Malleus watches as you approach a massive-sized statue covered with a thick and half-wet tarp. He helps you remove the cover, revealing a winged and slightly humanoid canine. There are many more grotesques with a similar design, but what makes this one stand out the most is the material it’s made out of.

“Amazing!” Malleus awes. “I’ve never seen a grotesque of this size made entirely of glass! They’ve even managed to maintain their attention to detail despite such an abnormal material choice.”

“You can even see the inner channel where the water would flow in and redirect out of its mouth,” you notice.

“They even went out of their way to make it functional despite it being unfit for actual installation?” Malleus inquires with disbelief. “Such a shame.”

“If you’re looking to buy anything here, I’m afraid it's a lost cause. One of the first warnings the grandfather gave me is that none of these are for sale.”

“What was his second warning?”

“If we damage anything, even as small as a scratch, he’ll kill us.”

“How charming,” he chuckles. “I cannot blame him. These statues must take weeks to complete. Time is a human’s greatest enemy.”

“For some, sure. But when I went to visit the family and talked to the old man, he was lunging around all this heavy equipment like he was still in his prime,” you recall. “He lives for his craft. If there’s anything humans are at risk of their entire lives, it’s a lack of motivation and reason to live.”

“I suppose that’s true, but the lifespan of humans and the inevitable effects of aging is difficult to live with, especially once it begins to hinder one’s ability to do what one could previously do without issue. ”

“You’re not wrong,” you acknowledge. “But I think I’d rather live a short life with fulfillment than a dull, long-as-shit life.”

To show that he’s entirely on your side, Gunter lets out a guttural bark while his tail rapidly wags and thumps the damp ground, coating the ends of his bushy tail in specs of dirt and dirtied, remnant snow of the north that has managed to stay frozen on the isles warmer south end.

“You’re only agreeing with them because you’ve been promised food,” Malleus chastises. “Don’t think I didn’t pick up on your grumbling stomach.”

“And don't think I didn't pick up on your stomach rumbling either your highness," you quip back at him. "The family has a small cottage nearby we can use. We'll settle down for a bit and eat before sightseeing some more."

Before you turn and walk in the direction towards the aforementioned lodgings, you reach your hand out for Malleus to take and he latches onto you with restrained enthusiasm. He's taller than you, but he takes care not to take his normal strides as to not leave you struggling to keep up with him. Gunter doesn't know the way, so he trots beside you every step of the way up until the destination is in plain view. The cottage is small but well-attended. There’s a rustic flair to its construction that makes it feel familiar and safe despite never stepping foot in it before.

"Those gargoyles were something, huh?" you remark to him while you tap and shake off the gunk wedged into the soles of your heavy boots against the frame of the door.

"Indeed," he nods, taking your cloak off for you and hanging it on the wooden rack nearby. "I don't think I've ever seen that many gargoyles in one day. Just when my eyes land upon an intriguing one, there's several more that catch my attention."

The way he gets all wide-eyed is outright adorable. It makes you grin just as enthusiastically too. "I bet your club is going to have a field day once you tell them about this!"

His child-like smile turns into one of disappointment. "I'm certain they would, if I wasn't the sole member that is."

Your hands halt from pulling out and setting down all the premade food out of your pack. "Seriously? You're the only one?"

When he nods his head, you feel a twinge of hurt in your heart. Poor guy. You can only imagine how disappointing it must be to go through all those lengths to start a club (you would know since you're technically a staff member of the school and have been given a rundown on some of the school's functions and regulations) only for no one to show interest. Of course, you completely understand that gargoyles aren't exactly all the rage within the minds of teenage boys. Still! He goes through so much effort to build relationships with his peers but they always cower away, either due to his status or even because of the way he looks. You won’t deny that he does come off as rather intimidating at first glance, but he's a sweet guy once you give him the chance to speak.

But to expect teenagers going through social pressures and demanding academics to be as understanding and willing to understand someone like Malleus is an impossible demand. Given that everyone in the school can be a bunch of self-centered and easily agitated bunch of pricks, it's understandable that most of the student body isn't keen on trying to take into consideration the proper etiquette one needs to consider in the presence of a young and noble fae. Deuce has met and talked briefly with Malleus on one occasion, but even he visibly shakes whenever his name is mentioned, even in casual passing.

Wait until they found out who you've gone and gotten buddy-buddy with behind their back. They probably think they're slick or that their intentions are well swept under the rug, but it's clear they feel some semblance of responsibility for your well-being, as both a magicless individual as well as a close, albeit older, friend. You dread the day people begin to make the connections between Malleus and you, but you still can’t help but wonder what their reactions might be. You also dread the high probability those two idiots are going to find out and embarrass the living hell out of you, which you know you do not have the patience or tolerance for.

Gunter jumps up and sits himself down in one of the wooden dining chairs, pushing the small ceramic plate towards you with his nose, as if telling you "Alright, I’ve done what I said I'd do, now feed me what I'm owed." You tell him that you'll give him what he's well earned after you get a small fire started in the brick fireplace. Just because it's warmer near the southern half of the island and not as heavily blanketed with snow, doesn't mean the cold has completely vanished, Winter is still winter after all.

"Where did these scars come from?"

Malleus' unexpected question and closeness nearly make you drop the iron rod you've been using to stoke the growing fire. You've since taken off your boots and rolled up the bottoms of your pants just above your knee as the room starts to warm up enough for a thin layer of perspiration to accumulate and roll down your skin. The scars he's referring to are the ones on your right leg, both side by side at an awkward angle and discolored. You have a lot more scars than these, some much more gruesome in appearance than these two. Malleus has never asked about your scars, but sometimes you catch him looking in the general area of some that peak through your clothes. He likely keeps quiet about their existence out of courtesy.

Yet out of all the markings on your body, why did these two stand out enough that he'd finally ask about them?

"It's a long story," you say in an effort to stall the topic. "Sit. I'll feed you two once the fire is stable."

He doesn’t push you for an answer, instead simply doing as you say and lets you poke at the burning logs until they're properly aflame on their own. You made mostly some of your morning favorites; Creamy and thick potato stew with diced carrots and peas and some eggs, ham, and crispy hash browns sandwich between homemade halved croissants. You teased him about having picky taste buds earlier, but Malleus is content to eat anything you serve him so long as it is not comparable to the likes of Lilia's atrocious cooking.

(Seriously, how does a man as old as Lilia not know the basic fundamentals of cooking? And why does everything he makes end up burnt and tasting like something rotten? You will never understand.)

"Don't eat too quickly," you warn Gunter as you pour a bit of light-colored soup onto his designated plate. Your words are ignored, as the equally marred wolf sloppily slurps and munches on the few bits of potatoes and vegetables you generously scraped out of the thermos. His food is gone as quickly as it’s put in front of him and he looks at you expecting more.

"No. The rest is mine," you scold. "And don't beg Malleus for some either! I know you do it behind my back, you little shit!"

He turns to look at Malleus with an accusatory glare, thinking that he ratted him out to you. Malleus’s response towards the silent imputation is to turn and look out the window as if something caught his interest all of a sudden, cup raised to his lips as he politely sips away at his meal without an air of calmness. You have to slap a hand over your mouth to hide the amusement that overtakes your senses.

"Malleus, stop that!"

"Stop what?" he innocently asks.

"Stop making me want to laugh!"

He sets his cup down onto its matching serving dish. "It's not my fault you have an easily satiable sense of humor."

"Wow!" you say incredulously and put your arms up in offense. "And here I was thinking we were friends!"

His distant demeanor breaks and you both devolve into a fit of laughter together. Gunter unfortunately takes advantage of your joint distraction and slips away with a warm sandwich between his jaw, your sandwich in particular.

"That damn wolf!" you curse. "I knew I should have trusted my gut and pack extras.”

Malleus pities your distress before moving over to sit closer. "Worry not. I'll split mine in half with you,” he reassures.

"No, it's fine," you immediately dismiss his offer. "Have it for yourself."

"I'm not taking no for an answer," he firmly states. “Don’t be stubborn. It’s far too early for that.”

"I thought you liked it when I was stubborn?” you pout.

He shakes his head with a smile. “I would be lying if I said I didn’t”

"At least someone likes my attitude,” you say after chewing and swallowing a mouthful of soup. “Sebek certainly doesn’t."

"The boy is stubborn as well. When two equally stubborn individuals cross paths, you will witness nothing but discord between the two."

"Add the fact I'm human into the mix, and we'll be exchanging fists instead of words sooner or later," you scoff. "I get that some faes don't like humans, but what's his deal with acting like he’s got a vendetta against me?"

"Sebek doesn't hate humans for the reasons you might think," Malleus admits. "It’s more like he finds them difficult to think that highly of. Did you know that he is half-human?"

You nearly choke on your own breath over the sudden revelation. "Really?"

"Indeed," Malleus finds amusement at your disbelief. "Have you ever wondered why his ears aren't pointed like Silver, but his eyes are like mine and Lilia’s?"

"Damn,” you scratch the back of your head with embarrassment. “Now I feel stupid.”

"You aren't. Given the way he speaks, not many would assume he had human blood in his veins. His mother was highly regarded within her social circle, but her marriage to a human man tarnished her reputation a great deal. She's happy and does not seem to care what others think of her these days. However, when Sebek set out to be a knight, his mother's marriage and his lineage were often brought up as a way to scrutinize his character and capabilities rather than any of his actual shortcomings as an individual."

"Poor kid," you sigh. "Lilia told me those sorts of things still happen in The Valley, but it sounds so outlandish that I couldn’t take it that seriously."

"Many faes hold old traditions above all else, to a degree that the purity of one's blood stands above all other merits." His eyebrows pressed together in annoyance. "Even my grandmother thinks it's archaic, but as the reigning queen she has to embody a persona of neutrality between the social divide."

"It sounds like you have your work cut out for you in the future," you say, almost apologetically. "What do you plan to do about it once you're the king?"

There's a brief flash of surprise over your question, but Malleus easily answers it as usual. "I think my first course of action as king would be to properly knight Sebek and Silver."

"Bet my rifle that Sebek is going to cry the entire ceremony!" you remark with certainty. "That's all he ever goes on about, being a knight and all."

"He's devoted countless hours and efforts since he was a child. If there's anyone who deserves to join the knighthood, it's him."

"Definitely," you nod to further cement your agreement with him. "He could stand to lower his voice a bit. He'll give you tinnitus before long.”

"At least we won't have to worry about losing him in a crowd," Malleus jests.

"That's to say we'll lose sight of him to begin with," you remark. "He'll gladly lose me in a crowd. You? You'd be lucky to get out of arm's length."

"You underestimate me, dearest," Malleus smirks. "Ever since I've met you, I've perfected the art of avoiding Sebek's insistent searches."

"Have you now?" you razz back. "Don't let him catch onto the fact. He'll have my head."

He reaches over and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. Each second his skin touches yours makes you tingle. Time slows down ever so briefly if only to savor the small instance of physical connection for as long as possible. "What of your aunts?" he inquires. "Are they as overprotective of you as Sebek is of myself?"

"They’re a trio of mama bears," you proudly admit. "I'm old enough to drink and well equipped to fend for myself, but in their minds, I'll always be the little tyke that couldn't even eat their meals without looking at them for approval. Especially my aunt Gia."

You have three aunts. There's your aunt Marisol, the mother of most of your cousins and the main caretaker of the household. Your second aunt Lucia was well into her studies at university when you came to live with them, but her stress and long hours of mulling over her course materials paid off in the long run. Your gardening skills wouldn't be what they are now without her expertise in agricultural botany.

Then there's your aunt Gia. Oldest of the three. An absolute tank of a woman. No spouse. No kids of her own. She lived off the land like an absolute titan. The woman raised you as if she was the one that carried you for nine months and not your actual birth mother.

How would you describe your parents? If your parents were told to list out their priorities in life, their careers would be at the top of the list and you would be put at the very bottom. Why they carried you to term is beyond your understanding. You later learned that Gia had even offered to take you under her care well before your birth, knowing that your parents might not be well-suited to take care of you in the way she thinks would be beneficial for you. It was a convenient offer that would have saved everyone the trouble years down the line when you had your accident. They worked in a cutthroat industry and were constantly moving up the executive echelons. They had no time for you, yet their pride as a pair of young, successful business magnates made them incapable of seeing past the reality of the situation. That left you mostly in the care of last-minute caretakers and your aunts, but only if they had time from their own busy and preoccupied lives to come out into the city and visit.

You were eight years old when things started to get better, but it was upstarted in the worst possible way. Your parents had to go away for the upcoming weekend for work and left you in the care of a babysitter as per the norm. The babysitter never showed up however and your parents apparently couldn’t be bothered to check up on you even once the entire trip. Their silence wasn’t surprising. You just went on about your business for the next three days on your own like nothing was wrong. Your aunt Gia had even called at one point to check up on you, but you didn’t bother to tell her that your parents had left you to fend for yourself. She would have exploded if you did, but not as much as she did when you woke up in the hospital after falling down the stairs and lying helplessly on the ground for several hours with a dislocated shoulder and a compound-fractured leg. You were lulling in and out of consciousness due to all the medication pumped into you, but what little you do remember seeing and hearing when you regained consciousness will forever stick with you for the rest of your life.

If people think your level of swearing is bad, they should have heard your aunt that day. She swore so viciously that it could set an innocent bystander's eardrums on fire. What will forever stand out the most to you was the fact that your parents didn’t even look the least bit apologetic or regretful. They didn’t even approach you once your aunt was done giving them a piece of her mind to check up on you. They simply talked with the awaiting social worker and doctors and then left. It was for the better, but the small part of you that continued to hold onto the desperate belief that your parents would come around one day sent you into a thrashing frenzy and you had to be sedated before you could hurt yourself anymore.

The next year was spent recovering from your injuries, meeting regularly with your caseworker, and going through therapists like a pack of cigarettes. By the time you were back on your feet and the legal proceedings of your custody case were concluded, all you wanted was to move on with it all. Nearly a decade of neglect left you this unattentive, uncertain husk of a person who couldn’t take a single step forward without looking for some sort of guidance or assurance. Your family was exhausted by the entire ordeal and over speaking with third parties. Your aunts took it upon themselves to help you regain your sense of self in the comfort of your new home, no matter how difficult or demanding it was going to be.

“It took some time, but eventually it clicked in my mind that I was in a better place and I started to get better. As for my parents, I have no clue what they’re up to these days.” You lean back into your chair and let out a shaking yawn. “I like to think they’re getting on well like I am.”

“I don’t understand.” Malleus looks at you with unbelievable confusion. “Your parents treated you poorly, yet you don’t sound the least bit resentful. Why is that?”

You shrug your shoulders. “What’s the point? I'm in a better place now, so I've let bygones be bygones. 'Doesn't mean I don't harbor any anger against them anymore. I do, but getting upset won't change what's happened to me."

Gunter, having sensed your discomfort over the matter, trots over and rests his head on your lap. You gratefully rub the top of his head, carding your hands through his thick, coarse hair. "I'm just glad they let me go without a fuss. Family court was hell for my family.” Your eyebrows knit together. “Expensive too.”

Crackling wood fills the momentary silence that befalls the small cottage. What you've recollected to Malleus is a lot to take in, and if you're being quite honest you'd prefer if he just dropped the subject and talked about literally anything else right now. You hope he doesn't say he's sorry or any other type of apologetic comment. That's all you were ever told that entire year it all happened, during court proceedings, your rehabilitation, by both strangers and distant family members alike.

"I'm so sorry. What happened to you was unfortunate. You didn't deserve it."

No shit you didn't deserve any of that. You were a kid. You don’t need one pity party after another to realize that what took place then had fucked you forever. But as you said earlier, you're in a better place now, with a loving and supportive family that's moved on alongside you. A family you need to get back to as soon as possible.

"I love you."

Well, if he was hoping to take your mind off the past. that certainly did it. How can it not? It came out of nowhere and as good as you are at holding your composure when need be, you're sure you look no less like a gaping fish when warm and plush softness presses right against the corner of your lips. A kiss. His kiss.

"What's wrong?" Your voice sounds shaky. You’re nervous.

"Nothing," he smiles reassuringly. "I simply said what I felt needed to be said."

"Fair enough" you concede easily. He was going to say it sooner or later. He already has actually, now that you think about it. Yet here you are trying to process his words like it’s rocket science.

"Am I going about this too fast perhaps?" he genuinely asks. His hands that have been busy massaging your calves that have settled across his lap somewhere during your long retelling gradually slow down, but his hands never go completely still. "This is my first time experiencing something like this."

"What?" You sit up a bit straighter. "A relationship?"

"Yes."

Your head tilts to the side. "Really?"

He nods hesitantly "Yes?"

For a moment, you go completely quiet. "I don't believe you,” you doubtfully say, head shaking to further showcase your refusal to believe him.

He must not have liked your remark, frowning with clear offense in his eyes. When he dislikes something, the vertical slits in his eyes contract into a thin line. "I cannot lie, yet you still doubt me?"

"I know you can't lie, but I find it hard to believe you haven't been with anyone else before," you explain. Before you can consider the appropriateness that was your newfound curiosity about Malleus's apparently non-existent love life, you blurt out, "Are you still a virgin?"

You slap your hand over your mouth the moment those words come out of it. He's equally caught off guard and nearly drops his warm cup of coffee. Even Gunter is surprised by your question, olive-colored eyes looking at you as if you've lost your mind. It's an invasive question, inappropriate even. You and Malleus have been dating for a little over two days. A question like that is way too early to bring up just yet.

"You don't have to answer that," you tell him behind your palm. "I shouldn't have even asked it. Forget I ever brought it up-”

"I'm not," he interrupts you, leaving you even more shocked than you already are. You’re practically gaping like a fish by now. "I'm not a virgin,” he further insinuates.

A deafening silence, but it’s eventually broken by yourself. “I still don’t believe you.”

Malleus gets further annoyed at your refusal to accept his truth. "I'm not lying!" he insists.

"Bullshit!"

"Do you want me to recount my history to you?" he asks, exasperated as you are at the shift the conversation is taking. "Will that satisfy your doubts?"

"You know what? It will!" you loudly declare. "Who'd you sleep with?"

"He was a young page at the time,” he reminisced. “It happened before I was a century old.”

Your eyebrows raise with intrigue. "Was he cute?"

"Yes," he hushedly agrees. The disconcerting admittance paints his face a pinkish-red glow. "But that's not why I bedded him."

"But surely his looks are what made you interested in the first place?” you make blatant regard of the fact.

“You’re not wrong,” he acknowledges, expertly avoiding agreeing with you outright. “But his looks aren't the sole reason I was drawn to him. He was bright-eyed and ambitious, to the point you’d think him insane given his position in the court. It was also the first time I ever truly met with a group of humans, and my young mind was eager to get a more accurate perspective of humans that wasn’t through the lens of my tutors.”

“An ‘accurate perspective’?” You make playful air quotes, eyebrows wiggling because you know the fact that he knows what you’re implying. The playful comment is met with a sharp pinch on your leg that makes you jump and shriek out in pain. Did he have to dig his nails into you? Apparently so, and now you have small crescent indents on your skin. “I bet Lilia had a good laugh when he found out.”

“He doesn’t know, actually,” he admits to you with what is obviously a proud smile.

“Now I know you’re lying to me,” you scoff. “Nothing escapes the old man’s radar.”

His hands begin to rub out the marks he’s left on you as a form of apology. “Lilia is sharp, but he had lost most of his vigor by the time I was born.”

You go wide-eyed again. “You mean his hearing and eyesight was better than it is now?”

He nods affirmatively. “From what I’ve been told, terrifyingly so.”

Lilia is already frightening as is. His short stature and boyish looks make him perfectly unassuming to those who don’t know any better. You once watched him beat up a couple of bulky, twice-his-height students from Savanaclaw without breaking a sweat, yet moments before he was jokingly scolding himself for dozing off so easily. You never once thought he was ever out of his elements. A cold chill runs down your spine thinking how much more perceptive the older fae may have been back during his prime years.

“Wonder what Lilia’s gonna think,” you ponder out loud in a quick effort to banish out the skin-prickling mental imagery your mind was invoking. “About us, I mean.”

Malleus seems surprised that you would change the topic to that of all things, but his initial shock goes away as quickly as it came. “As you may have guessed, he’s an open-minded individual, but he’s also very realistic and unafraid to say what’s on his mind.”

“So what does that mean for you and me?” you question with a bit of hesitation.

“Well,” he trails off and ponders for a moment. “He’ll surely like the scandal our relationship would invoke. However, as my caretaker and mentor, he won’t hesitate to put an end to it if he feels it necessary.”

Had it been anyone else sitting beside you, you’d have found that comment way too extreme and outright ridiculous. However, you are not speaking to anyone ordinary. You are not sitting before someone normal. It doesn't matter how well you get along with him. It sure as hell doesn't matter how deeply in love you are with him, and him of you. The moment you have been deemed a shortcoming, the outings, the closeness, it all stops. All of it will come crashing down and both you and him will be left wondering what could have been done differently.

Malleus is truly your best friend, because already he can tell that your mind is beginning to spiral even when you go quiet. He calls for your attention by gripping his hand around your bare ankle and carefully tugging the end of your limb. “Don’t fret over it too much,” he soothes, yet also sounding like he’s scolding you for letting your mind wander off so negatively. “Lilia is an exceptional judge of character. From what I’ve gathered, you’ve well exceeded all his marks. He trusts you, and to gain such a thing from someone as old and wise as him is an extraordinary feat.”

You brew over the attempted compliment he tried to pay to you. Unfortunately, it doesn’t snub out all these festering thoughts in your head. It doesn’t even give you temporary relief. Perhaps it would have brought you a sense of peace a few months ago, but with everything that has happened thus far, you doubt even Malleus can alleviate the storm that rattles inside you, even if what he speaks is without a doubt nothing but the truth.

Surely he can see that you are still having some hangups. When you lift his hand and plant a chaste kiss on the back of his hand, you hope he can decipher the gesture as a pitiful request for his forgiveness for dampening the once energetic mood. He is not at fault for your loss and inability to think optimistically at the moment and you need to make sure he knows it.

Today is about him, not you. Even if it’s just for today, you’ll put on a pleasant facade and worry about the rest at a later date. It’s just you and him, and for now, that’s enough.

You do a mental countdown starting from three, before finally giving him a late response to the three words he uttered in confidence to you earlier. “I love you too, by the way.”

You love him. You love him. You love him. That’s all his mind can think of for the rest of the day. He replays your reciprocation over and over like it’s sacred and all-powerful.

He had planned to return to his dorm before the sun began to set, but he found the mere idea of detaching from you deeply unwanted and made the last-minute decision to spend the evening at the Ramshackle dorm. He already has a few articles of clothing and personal essentials set up in one of the many empty rooms, so neither Lilia nor you had any objections at his sudden request.

“Don’t worry!” You shout across the room so that Lilia can hear you over his phone. “I’ll make sure he gets to bed on time!”

“You have my gratitude!” Lilia’s muffled voice responds gratefully. “Don’t cause too much trouble now, you two.”

“No promises~” you sing in jest before Malleus hangs up. Once the call ends Johnny, Benji, Franky, and you turn their attention back to their ongoing game of poker. Malleus watches and occasionally laughs to himself over the friendly banter shared between the quartet. At the end of every round, the winner is assaulted with colorful profanities whilst they take their newly won gambling chips with ebullience. Yet with each new dealing of cards, the animosity goes away and they’re all back to being friendly. He finds your interactions with your incorporeal roommates more entertaining than the book he’s been reading to pass the time.

“Hey, fairy boy,” Franky informally calls out toward him. “Don’t be a stranger now. Play a few rounds with us.”

“I’m afraid I’m not well versed in card games,” he admits, yet he still finds himself setting his literature aside and moving over to join them.

“Don’t worry,” you give him a reassuring smile. “They’ll go easy on you.”

“For how long?” he knowingly asks.

You give him an impressed smirk at his quick uptake. “I give it three rounds before they start to pull back their sleeves.”

Malleus is well-adjusted to the need to quickly learn a new topic and the expectation for him to fully comprehend it in full. None of them are harsh on him for his minor mistakes like some of the tutors he’s had in the past. Answers that he believes may be obvious or not as complicated as he thinks they are being answered with enthusiastic patience. The smallest achievements he makes are met with a proud response. When he makes a surprise turnabout and wins his first game, he’s rewarded with an encouraging round of applause by everyone.

“Not bad,” Benji praises as he shuffles the deck of cards. “You’re a fast learner.”

“So I’ve been told,” he humbly replies. “Is this the part where you all stop going easy on me now?”

“Don’t provoke them,” you half-heartedly warn. “Otherwise we’ll be up all night duking it out otherwise.”

Franky sets his glass of iced liquor down on the edge of the table. “Don’t you little lovebirds worry. We won’t take up too much of your well-needed time together.”

Annoyed at the clear jab at his relationship with you, you throw one of your chips towards his head. It passes through his body and clatters on the floor behind him. Your fawn Blossom jumps down from their spot on the couch and goes to sniff it, thinking it to be food, but walks away with a disappointed strut when he realizes it isn’t anything edible.

“I didn’t tell them a damn thing,” you defensively clarify. “It was so obvious what was going on between us that they figured it all out before we made it official.”

He lets out a deep breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “That’s...I can’t say I’m too pleased to hear about that.”

“We won’t say anything,” Franky reassures. “Just make sure to put a sock on the door whenever you guys want some alone time.”

“Franky!” you hiss at him. “What the hell?!”

“What?” he looks at you, unbothered by your clear embarrassment. “Do you honestly expect us to think you guys went out just to look at a bunch of statues?”

“Oh, I’m sure they were looking at something,” Johnny smirks. “It wasn’t made of stone though.”

“I hate you guys,” you growl out, arms crossing and leaning back into your seat with an angry huff. You don’t mean it. He can see the tremble of your lips as you try to contain the urge to grin. “Even if we did end up rolling around in the sheets, I wouldn’t be yapping about it for all to hear, much less you guys!”

“What happens in the gargoyle graveyard stays in the gargoyle graveyard, eh?” Franky winks at both Malleus and you, nudging you with his elbow.

“Exactly!” you affirm, batting the large ghost away from you for some much-needed distance. “Now stop being so damn nosy.”

They cackle one last time and everyone seamlessly goes back to their ongoing game. Conversations like the one that just concluded are commonplace in your dormitory. Even if he contributed next to nothing to the discussion, he enjoys watching them interact. You come from a world where ghosts are hardly as overt as the ones in this world. Ghosts are said to entertain themselves by picking on the living, to the point that it can be fatal. Your ability to come up with witticisms at a moment's notice is something he enjoys seeing in action. He feels great satisfaction not only knowing that he has secured your love but to also see you in a state of tranquility and within your elements.

As Benji and you have a hushed conversation on the sidelines, he reaches over and places his hand on your knee beneath the table. You quietly reach over and put your hand over his, stroking the back of his hand with your thumb like it’s instinctual. Unfortunately, the heart-fluttering moment is ruined by the sudden buzzing of his phone. He has half a mind to ignore it, but when he gives the screen a glance he realizes ignoring the caller is not an option.

“I’ll be out for a moment,” he excuses himself once he sets his hand down and stands himself upright. “This shouldn’t take that long, hopefully.”

They all stop to look up at him inquisitively for half a second. In unison, they ask, “Sebek?”

“Sebek,” he affirms.

There are simultaneous displays of annoyance, pity, and silent wishes of good luck directed at him. He’s tempted to ask where all this contempt for the boy comes from, but then he remembers the many times Sebek barges his way into their dorm at the worst possible moments. It is either when everyone is beginning to settle down after a long day or in the middle of an important house project, the former more so than the latter now that the dorm is much more stable and in need of less restoration. Malleus learned the hard way how ill you and the ghosts will react when your peace is unwantedly interrupted and your space invaded by an unwanted guest.

Sebek is also quick to scrutinize whatever he sees out loud without a filter. You never seem to mind half of the time, merely rolling your eyes and moving past Sebek’s ill-meaning remarks as if you never heard them. As you are someone Malleus highly regards and holds close to his bosom, he hopes Sebek can one day set aside his strife with humankind and give you the due diligence you deserve.

...Though, he completely understands that reaching that point will take time. While you can endure Sebek to a certain degree, there are times where he, unfortunately, pushes you past that threshold and, without flinching, you will tell him to “Shut the fuck up”. Your words, not his.

“Young master!” Sebek's transmitted voice peaks and he has to half pull it away to give his pained eardrums some relief. “I was informed by Lord Lilia that you will be spending the night over at the Human’s dorm. Have you all your accommodations at their estate? If not, I will swiftly-”

“That won’t be necessary,” he half laughs at his enthusiasm over such a small task. “I have enough to keep me comfortable and well for a few days. Your offer is still very much appreciated.”

“Y-Yes, of course,” he stutters. “If there’s anything you should ever find a need for, please inform me at once! I will fulfill your every wishes no matter the hour!”

He’s enthusiastic and ready to act at a moment’s notice, even during the middle of a cold and dark hour. Malleus doesn’t necessarily dislike this part of Sebek, but he’s starting to understand why someone like you would find such subservience difficult to deal with. At any moment, Malleus could ask Sebek to grab some insignificant item of his and tread through the thick snow to deliver it to him, and the boy would do so with jubilation and utmost timeliness. You on the other hand wouldn’t be caught dead ordering someone to do something on your behalf when you believe you are well and capable of doing it yourself.

You don’t put expectations onto the backs of others, choosing to trust yourself first before anyone else. He knows now that it’s a result of the one instance where you expected something from someone, only to be thoroughly let down and left wondering if it was you who did something wrong.

Malleus cannot make up for the pain you’ve been subjected to, but he hopes that he can become the outlier in your life that surpasses any preconceived notions you may hold onto others. He hopes...No, he absolutely will be the one who brings you your well-earned and deserved joy and repose, just as you have done for him and continue to do so.

You love him, and he will ensure he is worthy of every last drop of your fidelity.

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #twisted wonderland imagines #malleus draconia #twst malleus #malleus x reader #malleus draconia x reader #twst writing #twst fanfic #fanfic: courtship #reader insert #reader insert fanfic #reader insert fanfiction #gender neutral reader #gender neutral pronouns #x reader

[lais-a-ramos]

ok, this one is kind of a hard topic, and i appologize in advance for any mistakes i make or not being articulate enough

all the concearns over ppl in fandom hyping the only prominent white character, christina, in lovecraft country instead of the black characters are valid and the critique is definitely important, once it's common for ppl in fandom to either erase the half of a couple that is a BIPOC or to deny a canon cis het biracial ship to hype up a fanon white wlw ship and other problematic stuff plenty of times in LGBTQ+ fandom spaces.

but i also think we can't dismiss the entirety of the ship only bc the same LGBTQ+ fans are back at it again with their problematic behaviour, especially bc of its significance for black women and feminine-aligned nb folks who feel attraction to woman/feminine-aligned nbs -- lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, biromantic, panromantic etc.

for what i've seen so far, this ship is very important for black women and female-aligned nbs bc finally we have a dark-skinned black woman, who is also fat, to be treated with absolute respect and consideration and be passionately desired in a way that is not some kind of secret fetish or played for laughs, treated as being as worthy of being courted and romanced as her light-skinned and skinny half-sister.

christina respects ruby's choice and agency for most of the time -- i think the exception may be that first time ruby transformed into hillary;

she immediately explains to ruby her plans and intentions whenever ruby questions her behaviour and demands answers, including ruby in her plans when even ruby's loved ones keep secrets from her; she gives her all these baths and caresses her so softly, literally bathing her with affection and desire; she woos her with vows of devotion; and even tried to understand what ruby said when she asked her to try to understand her pain -- albeit in a fucked up way that only a privileged and sheltered girl raised in an enviroment in which magic is real and present in ppl's daily lives possibly could.

christina overall acknowledges that ruby is a woman with her own emotions, motivations, hopes, dreams, wants, needs and desires, and that's something y'all should keep in mind because i'll return to that later.

overall, these things i described are actually the basic that a person should do for the one they call their lover, and in no way erase the fact that christina is willing to kill innocent ppl to accomplish her goals of self-protection, nor turn these things acceptable from a moral standpoint.

but it's not the kind of treatment black women and feminine-aligned nbs receive, neither in fiction or in real life, by the way.

there are specific forms of misogyny that black women and female-aligned nbs face in which we are read as aggressive or animalistic, oversezualized or stripped from our sexuality and have our femininity denied if we don't check the boxes of what society deems acceptable.

there's this interview wumni mosaku gave for elle magazine U.S. in which she discusses her personal experiences with this problem, and how these eurocentric standards of femininity forced her to act in an overtly nice manner as a way to make sure ppl will treat her kindly instead of with suspicion and assuming she is aggressive.

that is because of the ways race and gender intersect creating a very complex scenario when it comes to definitions, experiences and stereotypes of femininity.

white women are overall treated with an authomatic presumption of innocence, as delicate and frail flowers who must be protected at all costs, especially if they are from upper classes -- that is something that is actually held against low-income white women, who are expected to adhere to certain standards to have their femininity acknowledged.

but, as we can see by that moment in episode 1x05, "strange case", when ruby as hillary is escorted by the policemen to her supposed husband who is actually christina shapeshifted , and, actually, by christina's entire motivations and characterization, that very same presumption of innocence is one of the sources of their oppression, because they are infantilized and stripped of their agency in favor of the men in their lives -- husbands, brothers, fathers etc --, being stopped and/or forbidden to do things cis het men usually get to and are expected to do.

in spite of this paradox, white women still have a privilege when compared to black women, because they're are still seen as ppl that belong to the world of affections and are worthy of receiving love, care and concearn for their wellbeing.

but that is not the case with black women.

usually, we are reserved two roles: one that revolves around being hypersexualized for men's consumption, both white and black alike; and the other, in which we are seen as "beasts of burden", carrying the weight in terms of work, emotions and so on, being expected to be desensitized to experiences and problems that no human would be expected to. sometimes, these two roles actually cross paths.

here in brazil, black activism and academics have been calling it "solidão da mulher negra", "the loneliness of black woman", and i think it's a very pertinent and powerful way to describe it.

and, that is the thing, when you're a black woman or feminine-aligned nb that doesn't fit into this role of being sexualized, you can feel this loneliness go a step further, because all that is left for you is that beast of burden part.

you end up not only being cast aside and abandoned by cis het white men and black men alike if you're attracted to men, but, overall, everyone in your social circle, including family, relatives and friends, expect you to be this source of strength and carry weights and resist to things ALL. THE. TIME.

and, guess what type of women and feminine-aligned nbs usually don't fit into this role of being sexualized????

the ones that are dark-skinned, fat, bulky, or any combination of these.

it's a combination of colorism, fatphobia, misogynoir and other factors that come to play, really.

one can check a few boxes, or check them all.

i myself don't check the "dark-skinned" box because, as a biracial women, i have light-skin privilege -- even though my skin is not as light as jurnee smollett's, who plays ruby's half-sister letitia "leti" lewis. but i sure have dealt with the consequences of not having the right body type for my whole life. i've been one of the "fat kids" for all my teen years, and, even now that i lost weight because of health issues, i'm still bulky and with large shoulders, feet and hands bigger than what is expected for women, and for most of my life i've felt in a similar way than what wumni mosaku describes on that elle magazine interview i mentioned earlier.

now, ruby literally checks ALL. THE. FUCKING. BOXES.

while we haven't seen much of her past, for the tidbits we got we can imagine that she had to be the responsible one in her family, being the older child, and basically raise her two siblings while their mom neglected them.

and we can see that, while the producers and writers changed a lot of her characterization from the source material -- in the part of the book i am right now, she has yet to show up, but the way she's described she seems more domestic and the shrinking violet type like show!hippolyta at the begining -- she is still seen as someone respected in her community and a source of strength -- e.g. being trusted to take care of dee.

and that clearly takes a toll on her, because everyone in-universe seems to expect her to be this mammy type or a role model, "a credit to the race" -- which is kind of ironic, given that it seems the audience seem to expect this of her as well.

and she puts all this pressure on herself because of it, and, while she is a woman with a very active sexual life, she seems overall very unsatisfied and repressed.

interrupted, as ruby herself perfectly put.

everyone seems to expect something of her at home, and not only all of her goals in the professional realm seem to be frustrated by social structures of oppression, but even her relationship goals as well, given that most of the men that she gets involved with, whether they are black or white, seem to believe they have the right to abandon her and treat her like trash because she doesn't feel a thing and is "strong" enough.

and that is where christina comes in.

now, it's true that the character that's pointed by many as a representation of white feminism surely is problematic in many ways, including her "colorblind" approach to racial issues, which is a particular form of racism that comes from an indifference towards social issues that steem from the privilege of not having to worry about said racial issues because one's not affected by them.

but, inspite of this colorblindness, or precisely because of it, christina sees ruby not for the roles she plays in other ppl's lives, but as the woman with her own emotions, motivations, hopes, dreams, wants, needs and desires that she is (see??? i told y'all to keep that in mind because it would be useful later).

some of these things might not be politically correct, like wondering what would it be like to be white and not have to deal with all the bullshit she has to.

some of these things might be dowright immoral and unethical, like the revenge fantasy she made come true against that abusive, sexual harasser and possibily rapist that was the guy from the department store that appeared in episode 1x05.

but, they are what makes ruby, well, ruby.

they are what makes her human, what humanizes her.

and christina accepts all of it, all that makes ruby who she is.

like the av club review for episode 9 pointed out, the two women are actually not that different when it comes to motivations: the stakes might be different for them because christina is protected by her whiteness and wealth, but both of them want the same thing in the end -- to not feel interrupted by the social restraints that bind them.

and that is what draws them to each other and feel attracted to each other, even though they might not understand quite well what to be queer means to them, or even avoided/repressed the question altogether as they grew up.

they are two points that seem opposite, and might as well be in some ways, but belong to the same axis that is gender and sexuality.

their relationship is incredibly complex and layered because of all these intersecctions.

ruby and christina's relationship is all about revealing different parts of yourself to the other and peeling each other's layers (sorry for the pun, but, it was just there lol), and, because of this, it's no wonder that it's seen as more romantic than, say, tic and leti's relationship, that seems to be playing out like plenty of cis heterosexual relationships, moving too fast because of the passion involved and what society expects, without the two of them being able to truly proccess and decide what they want, something that will defintely get more complicated now there's a baby on the way.

everything is so raw between ruby and christina, quite literally (it's one ot the things i love the most about all the gory scenes between them, it's a very clever way of using a fantastical setting to highlight these metaphors and symbolism).

with all of this, it shouldn't be a surprise that many sapphic black women and feminine-aligned nbs relate so much to ruby and got so attached to this relationship.

it's not because they endorse the problematic stuff christina or ruby have done -- although, well, to be fair, in a show that draws inspiration from pulp fiction magazines, particularly horror and detective/mystery stories, all characters are expected to be problematic and do fucked up things.

it's because queer black women and feminine-aligned nbs, regardless of whether they check only a few of the boxes i mentioned before or check all of them, can relate to this feeling of loneliness that the producers and writers portrayed so well with ruby -- but also with hippolyta, and dee too.

and for relating to these feelings, they relate to this relationship between ruby and christina.

and it's kind of hard to know what's gonna happen next in the show and the future of this ship

hell, even know whether the show is gonna be renewed or not.

but this should be a lesson for the future, on this fandom and others, to try and consider the perspectives of LGBTQ+ black ppl in these spaces, because, when you don't do that, you're basically reproducing, in a space we should be safe to have fun, the same oppression and silencing we deal on a daily basis

#lovecraft country #ruby baptiste #christina braithwhite #ruby x christina #lgbtq #lgbtqiap+ #black women #black representation #character analysis #character meta #meta

[kuroos-moon]

Overworking S/o

➪ a/n: wrote this on a whim through a tight sched of academics, im kinda rusty in writing ngl :/ 

➪ request: I saw that reqs were open so if I may can I request a fluff where osamu, kuroo and oikawa (and some of your fav haikyuu boys if you'd like 👉👈) that comforts their overworking s/o because they noticed they haven't been eating or sleeping and having breakdowns a lot

➪ pairing: miya osamu x reader, kuroo tetsuro x reader, tohru oikawa x reader 

Miya Osamu

Disappointment was written all over his face as he enters your room. He was just off practice, shoulders aching and his entire body fatigued. “Baby, when was the last time you ate?” He grimly asks, setting his bag and jacket at the edge of your bed before he sits behind you. 

“I don’t know,” you exasperatedly sigh, combing through your hair before picking up your pen and scribbling away again. You sat on the floor, just in front of his feet from where he sat on your bed and he reaches down to put his hands on your shoulders.

“Stop writing for a minute,” he mutters, looking at the back of your head as he tries to hold on to his thinning patience at the thought of your self-neglect. “Y/n,” he icily says as if he were scolding you, making you let go of your pen, muttering under your breath in annoyance. 

He doesn’t say anything but rather surprises you when he starts massaging your shoulders. His hands weren’t only skilled for making food with precise proportions and mouth-watering flavors, his hands knew just how to put you at ease too. 

“Better?” He mumbles, and you nod, feeling guilty. He was silent the whole time, not saying a thing or scolding you as he normally would. 

It’s as if he knew his silence would make you feel bad enough, because the silence was chilling and it made you feel worse every second. “Mom called you?” You ask him in a small voice, “yep.” 

“Samu, I’m sorry,” you sigh, “I’m just trying to meet deadlines and I wanna top the class this time too.” 

“And you can do it,” he exhales a breath, “but not at the expense of you health.” 

“I know, but I’m not doing good enough.”

“You’re doing your best,” he sternly says, halting his movements on your shoulders, “and I’m very proud of you, okay?” 

He clenches his jaw when you don’t reply, but your shoulders were shaking, he knew you were crying. 

“It’s okay, I gotcha,” he leans down to circle his arms around your shoulders, hugging you to him before kissing your head. After your breakdown which he comforted you throughout, he now has your hand in his, offering you a small smile as you make your way to the door of your room. 

“What do you wanna eat?” 

“Anything, I love everything you make,” you grin at him, making him chuckle. “Y’know, mom’s kinda hurt that I like your cooking more than hers.”

“She should be happy I’m husband material,” he winks, shortly bringing your hand up to his lips. 

Kuroo Tetsuro 

You slap at his back as he carries you over his shoulder but it didn’t faze him at all, much to your dismay. “Tetsuro I have no time for your games, I have work to do,” you whine in frustration, already wanting to cry.

“You need sleep,” he grunts, ignoring your protests as he swings your bedroom door open before he plops you down the bed. “Get away,” you hiss, sitting up before you’re pushed back down the mattress, his knees on either sides of your legs. 

“You owe it to yourself to rest,” he looks at you with scrutiny, and in other circumstances you might’ve backed down. “I will rest once I finish everything.”

“You will rest now, or you’ll end up in the hospital from extreme fatigue.” 

“I hate you,” you childishly bite back, making him raise a brow at you before his face goes back to being expressionless, “I love you, so listen to me.” 

You don’t have anything to counter that with so you shut up, looking at him with an irritated glare before you feel your own tears prickle your eyes. He sighs as you cover your face. 

“Kitten, it’s okay,” he gently grips your wrist to tug on it, but you swat his hold away. “No,” you croak out, “it’s not okay, I’m behind too much work already and here you are stopping me from finishing them!” You snap at him, now sitting up as tears profusely fall from your eyes. 

“Get off me,” you grit your teeth, trying to swallow down your sobs, but he ignores you, having you lay down again as he crushes you with the weight of his upper body. “Tetsu, what the hell, I need to-”

“I won’t let anyone harm you, not even yourself,” he cuts you off, his hand behind your head as he slightly pulls away to look at you. “It pains me to see you cry kitten, you’ve cried how many times this week already and it’s time I help you help yourself.” 

His words were sincere and true, reaching your heart and unclogging your deafened ears to what he said. “I’m sorry,” your lips quiver, and he sighs before he rolls off you, an arm around your waist so that he brings you on top of him. 

“Let’s sleep, I’ll wake you up early tomorrow, I promise,” he says as he rubs soothing circles on your back from under your shirt. “I love you,” you apologetically say, nuzzling your face at the crook of his neck. 

“You just told me you hated me,” he chuckles, and you shake your head, gripping tightly on the cloth of his shirt from his chest. “I love you, I didn’t mean that.”

He lets out another chuckle, tightening his hold around you, “I love you too, I mean it.” 

Oikawa Tohru

“Y/n?” He calls as he enters your shared living room, before his eyes land on your stressed out figure by the table buried in books and papers. “I’m home, love,” he smiles even though he knew you weren’t going to look up. 

“Your Tohru’s home, you should at least look at him,” he chuckles, trying to lighten the suffocating atmosphere around you. “Hey,” you offer him a small smile, finally looking up to meet his hazel eyes. 

“There’s my pretty girl,” his smile doesn’t falter despite the pang on his chest upon seeing your puffy and tired eyes. He walks over to your bathroom, filling the tub with warm water as he fondles over the multiple options of essential oils by the sink. 

Finally deciding on the lavender one, he readies everything from the bath tub, your towel, and your robe before he heads out and makes his way to you with a proud accomplished smile of what he has prepared. “Y/n-chan,” he muses, crouching down beside you. 

“What is it? I’m kinda busy,” you distractedly respond, making him sigh. “Give me a hug, please? I need it,” he pouts, extending his arms to you and you can’t even let him down. You bring your arms around his waist as you were engulfed in his warmth and scent, his hug making you feel calm and at peace with how gentle and loving he held you. 

“When’s the last time you took a shower?” 

“Uh, do I smell?” You sheepishly ask, making him laugh. “Not at all, come, I’ll give you a bath.” 

“I still have to-”

“You need to be taken care of,” he cuts you off, pulling away to look at you so that you could see the seriousness in his face. Before you could agree, he had already picked you up with an arm around your waist and the other behind your knees.

You’ve always admired how charming he was, much like a prince; and he was being the usual prince charming right now as he held you in his arms with such care, looking at you with so much love and familiarity as if he knew just how to make you feel the way you felt now. 

You can’t help it all, it made you feel so loved as you look back at him with your mouth agape; his eyes never leaving yours as he wears a small smirk on his face, knowing he has you smitten. 

“Let me take care of you, yeah?” He says as he sets you down on your feet, his slender fingers starting to rid you off your clothes. It wasn’t anything sexual at all, it was purely just you being bare in front of him literally and figuratively. 

He crouches just beside the bath tub while you lay inside, your head resting on his chest making his shirt wet. “I’m tired,” you mumble and he hums in response, “I know, and that’s okay, all you need to do is rest.” 

His voice was velvet as it fell on your ears, and you can’t help but cry a little as he kisses your temple, whispering praises and mini confessions of how much he loved you and how proud of you he was. 

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#haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x reader #kuroo x reader #osamu x reader #oikawa x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu!! x reader

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Anonymous said: I didn’t know too much about the late British philosopher Sir Roger Scruton until I followed your superbly cultured blog. As an ivy league educated American reading your posts, I feel he is a breath of fresh air as a sane and cultured conservative intellectual. We don’t really have his kind over here where things are heavily polarized between left and right, and sadly, we are often uncivil in our discourse. Sir Roger Scruton talks a lot about beauty especially in art (as indeed you do too), so for Scruton why does beauty as an aesthetic matter in art? Why should we care?

I thank you for your very kind words about my blog which I fear is not worthy of such fulsome praise.

However one who is worthy of praise (or at least gratitude and appreciation at least) is the late Sir Roger Scruton. I have had the pleasure to have met him on a few informal occasions.

Most memorably, I once got invited to High Table dinner at Peterhouse, Cambridge, by a friend who was a junior Don there. This was just after I had finished my studies at Cambridge and rather than pursue my PhD I opted instead to join the British army as a combat pilot officer. And so I found out that Scruton was dining too. We had very pleasant drinks in the SCR before and after dinner. He was exceptionally generous and kind in his consideration of others; we all basked in the gentle warmth of his wit and wisdom.

I remember talking to him about Xanthippe, Socrate’s wife, because I had read his wickedly funny fictional satire. In the book he credits the much maligned Xanthippe with being the brains behind all of Socrates’ famous philosophical ideas (as espoused by Plato).

On other occasions I had seen Roger Scruton give the odd lecture in London or at some cultural forum.

Other than that, I’ve always admire both the man and many of his ideas from afar. I do take issue with some of his intellectual ideas which seem to be taken a tad too far (he think pre-Raphaelites were kitsch) but it’s impossible to dislike the man in person.

Indeed the Marxist philosopher G.A. Cohen reportedly once refused to teach a seminar with Scruton, although they later became very good friends. This is the gap between the personal and the public persona. In public he was reviled as hate figure by some of the more intolerant of the leftists who were trying to shut him down from speaking. But in private his academic peers, writers, and philosophers, regardless of their political beliefs, hugely respected him and took his ideas seriously - because only in private will they ever admit that much of what Scruton talks about has come to pass.

In many ways he was like C.S. Lewis - a pariah to the Oxbridge establishment. At Oxford many dons poo-pooed his children stories, and especially his Christian ideas of faith, culture, and morality, and felt he should have laid off the lay theology and stuck to his academic speciality of English Literature. But an Oxford friend, now a don, tells me that many dons read his theological works in private because much of what he wrote has become hugely relevant today.

Scruton was a man of parts, some of which seemed irreconcilable: barrister, aesthetician, distinguished professor of aesthetics. Outside of brief pit stops at Cambridge, Oxford, and St Andrews, he was mostly based out of Birkbeck College, London University, which had a tradition of a working-class intake and to whom Scruton was something of a popular figure. He was also an editor of the ultra-Conservative Salisbury Review, organist, and an enthusiastic fox hunter. In addition he wrote over 50 books on philosophy, art, music, politics, literature, culture, sexuality, and religion, as well as finding time to write novels and two operas. He was widely recognised for his services to philosophy, teaching and public education, receiving a knighthood in 2016.

He was exactly the type of polymath England didn’t know what to do with because we British do discourage such continental affectations and we prefer people to know their lane and stick to it. Above all we’re suspicious of polymaths because no one likes a show off. Scruton could be accused of a few things but he never perceived as a show off. He was a gentle, reserved, and shy man of kindly manners.

He was never politically ‘Conservative’, or tried not to be. Indeed he encouraged many to think about defining “a philosophy of conservatism” and not “a philosophy for the Conservative Party.” In defining his own thoughts, he positioned conservatism to relation to its historical rivals, liberalism and socialism. He wrote that liberalism was the product of the enlightenment, which viewed society as a contract and the state as a system for guaranteeing individual rights. While he saw socialism as the product of the industrial revolution, and an ideology which views society as an economic system and the state as a means of distributing social wealth.

Like another great English thinkers, Michael Oakeshott, he felt that conservatives leaned more towards liberalism then socialism, but argued that for conservatives, freedom should also entail responsibility, which in turn depends on public spirit and virtue. Many classical liberals would agree.

In fact, he criticised Thatcherism for “its inadequate emphasis on the civic virtues, such as self-sacrifice, duty, solidarity and service of others.” Scruton agreed with classical liberals in believing that markets are not necessarily expressions of selfishness and greed, but heavily scolded his fellow Conservatives for allowing themselves to be caricatured as leaving social problems to the market. Classical liberals could be criticised for the same neglect.

Perhaps his conservative philosophy was best summed up when he wrote “Liberals seek freedom, socialists equality, and conservatives responsibility. And, without responsibility, neither freedom nor equality have any lasting value.”

Scruton’s politics were undoubtedly linked to his philosophy, which was broadly Hegelian. He took the view that all of the most important aspects of life – truth (the perception of the world as it is), beauty (the creation and appreciation of things valued for their own sake), and self-realisation (the establishment by a person of a coherent, autonomous identity) – can be achieved only as part of a cultural community within which meaning, standards and values are validated. But he had a wide and deep understanding of the history of western philosophy as a whole, and some of his best philosophical work consisted of explaining much more clearly than is often the case how different schools of western philosophy relate to one another.

People today still forget how he was a beacon for many East European intellectuals living under Communist rule in the 1980s.  Scruton was deeply attached in belonging to a network of renowned Western scholars who were helping the political opposition in Eastern Europe. Their activity began in Czechoslovakia with the Jan Hus Foundation in 1980, supported by a broad spectrum of scholars from Jacques Derrida and Juergen Habermas to Roger Scruton and David Regan. Then came Poland, Hungary and later Romania. In Poland, Scruton co-founded the Jagiellonian Trust, a small but significant organisation. The other founders and active participants were Baroness Caroline Cox, Jessica Douglas-Home, Kathy Wilkes, Agnieszka Kołakowska, Dennis O’Keeffe, Timothy Garton Ash, and others.

Scruton had a particular sympathy for Prague and the Czech society, which bore fruit in the novel, Notes from Underground, which he wrote many years later. But his involvement in East European affairs was more than an emotional attachment.  He believed that Eastern Europe - despite the communist terror and aggressive social engineering - managed to preserve a sense of historical continuity and strong ties to European and national traditions, more unconscious than openly articulated, which made it even more valuable. For this reason, decades later, he warned his East European friends against joining the European Union, arguing that whatever was left of those ties will be demolished by the political and ideological bulldozer of European bureaucracy.

Anyway, digressions aside, onto to the heart of your question.

Art matters.

Let’s start from there. Regardless of your personal tastes or aesthetics as you stand before a painting, slip inside a photograph, run your hand along the length of a sculpture, or move your body to the arrangements spiraling out of the concert speakers…something very primary - and primal - is happening. And much of it sub-conscious. There’s an element of trust.

Political philosopher, Hannah Arendt, defined artworks as “thought things,” ideas given material form to inspire reflection and rumination. Dialogue. Sometimes even discomfort. Art has the ability to move us, both positively and negatively. So we know that art matters. But the question posed by modern philosophers such as Roger Scruton has been: how do we want it to affect us?

Are we happy with the direction art is taking? Namely, says, Scruton, away from seeking “higher virtues” such as beauty and craftmanship, and instead, towards novelty for novelty’s sake, provoking emotional response under the guise of socio-political discourse.

Why does beauty in art matter?  

Scruton asks us to wake up and start demanding something more from art other than disposable entertainment. “Through the pursuit of beauty,” suggests Scruton, “we shape the world as our own and come to understand our nature as spiritual beings. But art has turned its back on beauty and now we are surrounded by ugliness.” The great artists of the past, says Scruton, “were painfully aware that human life was full of care and suffering, but their remedy was beauty. The beautiful work of art brings consolation in sorrow and affirmation…It shows human life to be worthwhile.” But many modern artists, argues the philosopher, have become weary of this “sacred task” and replaced it with the “randomness” of art produced merely to gain notoriety and the result has been anywhere between kitsch to ugliness that ultimately leads to inward alienation and nihilistic despair.

The best way to understand Scruton’s idea of beauty in art and why it matters is to let him speak for himself. Click below on the video and watch a BBC documentary broadcast way back in 2009 that he did precisely on this subject, why beauty matters. It will not be a wasted hour but perhaps enrich and even enlighten your perspective on the importance of beauty in art.

So I’ll do my best to summarise the point Scruton is making in this documentary above.

Here goes.....

In his 2009 documentary “Why Beauty Matters”, Scruton argues that beauty is a universal human need that elevates us and gives meaning to life. He sees beauty as a value, as important as truth or goodness, that can offer “consolation in sorrow and affirmation in joy”, therefore showing human life to be worthwhile.

According to Scruton, beauty is being lost in our modern world, particularly in the fields of art and architecture.

I was raised in many different cultures from India, Pakistan, to China, Japan, Southern Africa, and the Middle East as well schooling in rural Britain and Switzerland. So coming home to London on frequent visits was often a confusing experience because of the mismatch of modern art and new architecture. In life and in art I have chosen to see the beauty in things, locating myself in Paris, where I am surrounded by beauty, and understand the impact it can have on the everyday.

Scruton’s disdain for modern art begins with Marcel Duchamp’s urinal. Originally a satirical piece designed to mock the world of art and the snobberies that go with it, it has come to mean that anything can be art and anyone can be an artist. A “cult of ugliness” was created where originality is placed above beauty and the idea became more important than the artwork itself. He argues that art became a joke, endorsed by critics, doing away with a need for skill, taste or creativity.

Duchamp’s argument was that the value of any object lies solely in what each individual assigns it, and thus, anything can be declared “art,” and anyone an artist.

But is there something wrong with the idea that everything is art and everyone an artist? If we celebrate the democratic ideals of all citizens being equal and therefore their input having equal value, doesn’t Duchamp’s assertion make sense?

Who’s to say, after all, what constitutes beauty?

This resonated with me in particular and brought to mind when Scruton meets the artist Michael Craig-Martin and asks him about how Duchamp’s urinal first made him feel. Martin is best known for his work “An Oak Tree” which is a glass of water on a shelf, with text beside it explaining why it is an oak tree. Martin argues that Duchamp captures the imagination and that art is an art because we think of it as such.

When I first saw “An Oak Tree” I was confused and felt perhaps I didn’t have the intellect to understand it. When I would later question it with friends who worked in the art auction and gallery world, the response was always “You just don’t get it,” which became a common defence. To me, it was reminiscent of Hans Christian Andersen’s short tale “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, about two weavers who promise an emperor a new suit of clothes that they say is invisible to those who are unfit for their positions, stupid or incompetent. In reality, they make no clothes at all.

Scruton argues that the consumerist culture has been the catalyst for this change in modern art. We are always being sold something, through advertisements that feed our appetite for stuff, adverts try to be brash and outrageous to catch our attention. Art mimics advertising as artists attempt to create brands, the product that they sell is themselves. The more shocking and outrageous the artwork, the more attention it receives. Scruton is particularly disturbed by Piero Manzoni’s artwork “Artist’s Shit” which consists of 90 tin cans filled with the artist’s excrement.

Moreover the true aesthetic value, the beauty, has vanished in modern works that are selling for millions of dollars. In such works, by artists like Rothko, Franz Kline, Damien Hirst, and Tracey Emin, the beauty has been replaced by discourse. The lofty ideals of beauty are replaced by a social essay, however well intentioned.

A common argument for modern art is that it is reflecting modern life in all of its disorder and ugliness. Scruton suggests that great art has always shown the real in the light of the ideal and that in doing so it is transfigured.

A great painting does not necessarily have a beautiful subject matter, but it is made beautiful through the artist’s interpretation of it. Rembrandt shows this with his portraits of crinkly old women and men or the compassion and kindness of which Velazquez paints the dwarfs in the Spanish court. Modern art often takes the literal subject matter and misses the creative act. Scruton expresses this point using the comparison of Tracey Emin’s artwork ‘My Bed’ and a painting by Delacroix of the artist’s bed.

The subject matters are the same. The unmade beds in all of their sordid disdain. Delacroix brings beauty to a thing that lacks it through the considered artistry of his interpretation and by doing so, places a blessing on his own emotional chaos. Emin shares the ugliness that the bed shows by using the literal bed. According to Emin, it is art because she says that it is so.

Philosophers argued that through the pursuit of beauty, we shape the world as our home. Traditional architecture places beauty before utility, with ornate decorative details and proportions that satisfy our need for harmony. It reminds us that we have more than just practical needs but moral and spiritual needs too. Oscar Wilde said “All art is absolutely useless,” intended as praise by placing art above utility and on a level with love, friendship, and worship. These are not necessarily useful but are needed.

We have all experienced the feeling when we see something beautiful. To be transported by beauty, from the ordinary world to, as Scruton calls it, “the illuminated sphere of contemplation.” It is as if we feel the presence of a higher world. Since the beginning of western civilisation, poets and philosophers have seen the experience of beauty as a calling to the divine.

According to Scruton, Plato described beauty as a cosmic force flowing through us in the form of sexual desire. He separated the divine from sexuality through the distinction between love and lust. To lust is to take for oneself, whereas to love is to give. Platonic love removes lust and invites us to engage with it spiritually and not physically. As Plato says, “Beauty is a visitor from another world. We can do nothing with it save contemplate its pure radiance.”

Scruton makes the prescient point that art and beauty were traditionally aligned in religious works of art. Science impacted religion and created a spiritual vacuum. People began to look to nature for beauty, and there was a shift from religious works of art to paintings of landscapes and human life.

In today’s world of art and architecture, beauty is looked upon as a thing of the past with disdain. Scruton believes his vision of beauty gives meaning to the world and saves us from meaningless routines to take us to a place of higher contemplation. In this I think Scruton encourages us not to take revenge on reality by expressing its ugliness, but to return to where the real and the ideal may still exist in harmony “consoling our sorrows and amplifying our joys.”

Scruton believes when you train any of your senses you are privy to a heightened world. The artist sees beauty everywhere and they are able to draw that beauty out to show to others. One finds the most beauty in nature, and nature the best catalyst for creativity. The Tonalist painter George Inness advised artists to paint their emotional response to their subject, so that the viewer may hope to feel it too.

It must be said that Scruton’s views regarding art and beauty are not popular with the modern art crowd and their postmodern advocates. Having written several books on aesthetics, Scruton has developed a largely metaphysical aspect to understanding standards of art and beauty.

Throughout this documentary (and indeed his many books and articles), Scruton display a bias towards ‘high’ art, evidenced by a majority of his examples as well as his dismissal of much modern art. However on everyday beauty, there is much space for Scruton to challenge his own categories and extend his discussion to include examples from popular culture, such as in music, graphic design, and film. Omitting ‘low art’ in the discussion of beauty could lead one to conclude that beauty is not there.

It is here I would part ways with Scruton. I think there is beauty to be found in so called low art of car design, popular music or cinema for example - here I’m thinking of a Ferrari 250 GTO,  jazz, or the films of Bergman, Bresson, or Kurosawa (among others) come to mind. Scruton gives short thrift to such 20th century art forms which should not be discounted when we talk of beauty. It’s hard to argue with Jean-Luc Godard for instance when he once said of French film pioneering director, Robert Bresson, “He is the French cinema, as Dostoevsky is the Russian novel and Mozart is German music.”

Overall though I believe Scruton does enough to leave us to ponder ourselves on the importance of beauty in the arts and our lives, including fine arts, music, and architecture. I think he succeeds in illuminating the poverty, dehumanisation and fraud of modernist and post-modernist cynicism, reductionism and nihilism. Scruton is rightly prescient in pointing the centrality of human aspiration and the longing for truth in both life and art.

In this he is correct in showing that goodness and beauty are universal and fundamentally important; and that the value of anything is not utilitarian and without meaning (e.g., Oscar Wilde’s claim that “All art is absolutely useless.”). Human beings are not purposeless material objects for mechanistic manipulation by others, and civil society itself depends upon a cultural consensus that beauty is real and every person should be respected with compassion as having dignity and nobility with very real spiritual needs to encounter and be transformed and uplifted by beauty.

Thanks for your question.

#ask #question #sir roger scruton #scruton #art #aesthetics #beauty #architecture #music #paintings #film #cinema #personal

[raimispiderman]

From the booklet which comes with the Spider-Man Trilogy Limited Edition Collection blu-ray!

This talks about the making of Spider-Man 2, here’s the bit about the first Spider-Man movie.

Click for a transcript:

THE EVOLUTION OF A SUPERHERO

“It was truly gratifying and even a bit overwhelming to witness how strongly moviegoers around the world reacted to Spider-Man,” said director Sam Raimi. “As a filmmaker, I always want people to really enjoy my movies, and on that level, Spider-Man exceeded my expectations.”

After the triumph of the first Spider-Man, Raimi knew he had a responsibility to follow it up with a story that justified the fans’ enthusiasm and their built-in expectations for the next adventure. “There’s great interest in this movie, following the success of the first one,” he acknowledged. “For the kids who come to see it, Spider-Man is their hero. So while the job of making this movie is to provide entertainment, it is also to create a story that shows them a moral character, someone who has to make tough choices and the right decisions in order to continue to be worthy of their admiration.”

The wealth of detailed stories and characters in the Spider-Man comic book series provided a mother lode from which to cull the plot for Spider-Man 2. “The Marvel artists and writers have done a great job through the decades – I know, because I’m a big fan myself – so there’s a tremendous amount of good material to draw upon,” noted Raimi. “Finding a storyline wasn’t that difficult. It was finding the right story, the one that made for a proper follow-up installment, and provided a logical progression for the audience and a logical growth for the character. For the, I relied on the terrific storytelling instincts of my very fine producers Laura Ziskin and Avi Arad. Together with the contributions of our great writers, we found a plot line with ideas that reverberated.”

With the storyline of the new adventure locked, Arad looked forward to the reunion of the Spider-Man filmmaking family, not the least of which was Tobey Maguire. “Tobey was so happy to be Spider-Man again and to be Peter Parker,” said Arad. “As an actor Tobey relished deepening the audience’s understanding of who Peter Parker is and who is becoming,” added Ziskin. “Peter’s a man who is transition, someone who’s struggling with the choices he is making.”

Maguire added, “The theme ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ is never lost on Peter. It’s difficult to be a young man and have to sacrifice as much as he has – presumably for the greater good – and to neglect his personal desires. The struggle continues here and it’s quite complicated, because Peter’s searching desperately for a way to achieve some balance in his life.”

 As Peter becomes more immersed in his dilemma, it creates a rift between him and the important people in his life. Though his love for MJ is stronger than ever, she has moved on with her life, pursuing an acting career, living in Manhattan and moving in new social circles. “In this film, Peter is off in his own world and not a reliable presence in MJ’s life,” explained Kirsten Dunst. “She still loves him a great deal, so it has become painful for her to be around him. Though they’ve both done a lot of growing up in the past two years, at the same time, they’ve drifted apart.”

Then, as if Peter’s life were not complicated enough, the situation moves from bad to worse – much worse. Enter Doc Ock.

Dr. Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina) is a brilliant scientist whose life work has been dedicated to experiments utilizing fusion as a new source of energy. Charming, vibrant and energetic, Dr. Octavius is introduced to Peter by Harry Osborn.

“This movie is the story of Peter’s life, which is out of balance, and Dr. Octavius who, for Peter, represents someone who has achieved that balance,” explained Raimi.

“Peter sees Octavius as somebody who has mastered both his gifts – in this case science, through which he can serve the good of mankind, while also maintaining a personal life, a loving relationship with his wife Rosie (Donna Murphy). This leads Peter to the conclusion that it’s possible to have both.” Dr. Octavius, with the support of his wife, has been working diligently in his home laboratory, trying to perfect his groundbreaking fusion theory. But when a demonstration of his creation goes horribly wrong, Dr. Octavius undergoes a terrible transformation – evolving into the powerful, multi-tentacled Doc Ock.

In Spider-Man 2, the talented and versatile Molina brings this powerful adversary to terrifying life. “He is a formidable enemy for Spider-Man,” said Arad. “He can climb walls faster and better than Spider-Man. In fact, there’s nothing Spider-Man can do that Ock cannot counteract.”

Doc Ock, one of the most popular villains of the Spider-Man comic book series, first appeared in “The Amazing Spider-Man #3,” which was published in 1963. He immediately became one of Spider-Man’s most formidable foes. According to comic lore, each of Ock’s limbs can move at speeds of up to 90 feet per second and strike with the force of a jackhammer. The extremely powerful tentacles enable him to lift a vehicle off the ground, pulverize bricks, claw through concrete walls and hover above his victims by rising into the air.

The filmmakers were eager to attract Molina for the central role. “We needed someone who brought a palpable reality to the part, and who was also sincere, had a great sense of humor and personal warmth,” said Raimi. “Alfred is a brilliant actor, and what he’s brought so effectively to the character of Doc Ock is the sense of him as a misunderstood man who has turned into a beast.”

Molina confessed, “I’ve always been a Marvel Comic fan because their characters are so interesting. They have problems. They’re very realistic.” From him, the mechanics behind the role of Doc Ock was a true education. “It was mind-boggling, the breadth and the imagination that went into how each of my character’s actions – flying across the room, crashing through a plate glass window, smashing a taxicab – was to be executed. It’s a unique way of filming that’s not like anything most of us get to do really. It’s a very particular way of working, and absolutely fascinating.”

J.K. Simmons also returns in Spider-Man 2 as Peter’s gruff boss at the Daily Bugle, J Jonah Jameson. “I fire Peter several times in this movie. Every time I see him, I fire him,” laughed Simmons. “And then I re-hire him because there’s always some pressing need for his services.”

Principal photography on Spider-Man 2 began on April 12, 2003, in New York City, where the production spent approximately three weeks shooting at various locations in Manhattan, Queens and Brooklyn, as well as on a Yonkers stage. From ground-level street shots to rooftops high above the city, the filmmakers efficiently utilized the time they spent in New York, giving them the opportunity to expand on the city’s unique environment, which had lent such vibrancy to the first Spider-Man.

“In the first film we established New York as a character in the movie. With Spider-Man 2, we went even further,” said production designer Neil Spisak. “We used a lot more of the city, including [photographic] plates of real buildings and real streets. Improvements in technology over the past three years enabled [visual effects designer] John Dykstra and I to marry existing buildings to scenery buildings to CG buildings even better than the first time around. It’s a much more complete experience.”

“We got more of a feeling of New York in this movie,” added Ziskin. “The movie is being shot in widescreen, which is appropriate because this is a different story, so it required a different approach.”

Production began on the campus of Columbia University in uptown Manhattan, which served as the university Peter Parker attends while he struggles with the responsibilities of his academic workload and his superhero duties. The rooftop of the Hotel Intercontinental, across from the Waldorf Astoria, was the location where Spider-Man contemplates his next move, while downtown, in the Wall Street area, another rooftop served as the “launch-pad” for the Spydercam camera, as it dipped and swooped over several blocks to replicate one of Spider-Man’s high-stakes aerial journeys through the city.

“We executed one of the longest wire shots the Spydercam has ever done,” said executive producer Joseph M. Maracciolo. “The Wall Street shot was around 2,400 feet. I’m an ex New Yorker, so I didn’t find the location shoot particularly daunting. But there are always difficulties when you’re doing wire work in New York, including the placement of the cranes on the buildings, the movement of the cast, crew and equipment, and of course, the crowds.”

“It was a challenge for us to move our production to the tops of buildings, but we couldn’t have been happier, because rooftops are Spider-Man’s world and that is his view of the city as he swings through it,” noted co-producer Grant Curtis. “It was breathtaking to see the world from 70 stories up – a world unto itself. You can’t fully really appreciate the beautiful architecture of New York’s skyscrapers from ground level. We showed some of that in the first film, but we wanted to show more of Spider-Man’s vertiginous world, and I think we really captured that with this film.”

In Spider-Man 2, Doc Ock sweeps Aunt May off her feet – literally – and takes her up several stories of a tall building. Rosemary Harris performed her stunts in a variety of harnesses, but only after she had managed to talk the filmmakers into letting her give her stunt double a rest. “I was a bit miffed at first, because my wonderful stunt double was going to do a lot of these harness maneuvers,” recalled Harris. “So I asked Sam and Laura, ‘Why not let me have a go at it?’ At first they were reluctant. But I begged them to at least let me try and they finally relented.”

Returning to Los Angeles, Spider-Man 2 shot on several stages on the Sony Pictures Studios lot in Culver City. Stage 15 was home to the Daily Bugle offices, as well as Peter’s tiny apartment and Dr. Octavius’ elaborate home laboratory. On Stage 29, the Osborn mansion, where Harry Osborn now lives, was recreated. Stage 27 housed MJ’s apartment set, a giant spider web, the interior of the Planetarium, the massive clock tower set as well as various other set pieces. A series of elevated trains were built on Stage 14, where Spider-Man and Doc Ock match wits.

One of the most elaborate sets for Spider-Man 2 was the pier set, designed by Spisak and built over the course of 15 weeks on Soundstage 30. “In contrast to Dr. Octavius’ lab, which was part of his apartment – a streamlined, organized and clean space – the pier is a maniacal, decaying, decrepit space,” explained Spisak. “It follows his character development in terms of his becoming a wilder, more dangerous and more formidable adversary for Spider-Man.”

The set, approximately 60 feet wide by 120 feet long and 40 feet tall, was constructed over a water tank and enhanced by several different components, including CG/plate work and miniatures.

“Before we built the set, we created an exact ¾ scale model of it, about 7 feet long and 4 feet wide, from drawings and blueprints. The model was extremely useful to the carpenters, who could take measurements to help them construct the full-sized pier, as well as for the miniatures team, so they could ascertain the dimensions, textures and materials that were used,” explained art director Tom Wilkins. “We shot plates down in San Pedro, where we panned from a real pier to the water. In post-production a New York background was added. We also built a miniature pier – interiors and exteriors – to complete the composition on the East River.” The art department team designed a 136 foot by 40 foot-high vinyl backing to represent Ock’s view of Manhattan through a large window at the end of the pier set. Wave machines were rigged in the water to create movement under the pier.

The production then moved to the Universal backlot for two weeks of shooting. Several city streets were transformed into a variety of New York neighborhoods including the exterior of the Lyric Theatre where MJ performances in an off-Broadway production of Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest. Ari’s Village Deli and Bakery became the site of an extremely complex scene involving a quiet conversation between Peter and MJ, which is interrupted by Peter’s “spider sense” – and a car careening through the plate glass window, followed by the arrival of Doc Ock.

“It was a great luxury to be able to build that set from every aspect, so that we could do everything we needed for the scene,” said Spisak. “The walls were made of french plate so that when the car smashed through it, the buildings around it were protected. We were able to design what we thought it should look like visually, then as tricks, gags and stunts became clearer, we were able to add them to the set before it was completely finished.”

“The deli was a full, 360 degree set, with a kitchen, deli counters, pastries, ceiling fans and chandeliers,” added art director Steve Saklad, who worked closely with Spisak. “We dressed the exterior streets so that you could look out of the window and see the intersection of Lafayette Street and Astor Place. It required an enormous amount of signage, billboards, street dressing, trees and traffic lights.”

For Raimi,  “The diner was a complex technical scene, because it brought together so many different departments, each relying on the other to fulfil their function  and communicate with each other so that each individual shot would work. We utilized mechanical effects and the stunt department had to take an automobile, spin it and flip it through the deli window, with the prop department providing the breakaway items. What made it even more complex was that we had to fly Doc Ock in, using something we dubbed the “walk rig.”

The “walk rig” was created for Doc Ock, because the character not only moves himself, but his tentacles move him around as well. When he walks on the tentacles, they support his weight, so a device was constructed to harness him and move him through space as if the tentacles were supporting him. The visual effects department also created “virtual” tentacles where practical ones weren’t feasible.

When he was in full costume, Molina’s tentacles weighed between 75 to 100 pounds, depending upon the action required for the scene. Each of the tentacles was fully articulated. In their expanded, 13-foot length, each upper tentacle consisted of approximately 76 individual pieces Each vertabra was handmade, hand molded, sanded, individually hand painted, chromed, then painted again and assembled by hand. The entire collection of Doc Ock tentacles, bases, heads and wrists, if laid end to end, would be taller than a 20-story building.

Academy Award winning costume designer James Acheson welcomed the opportunity to further explore and improve upon the already classic Spider-Man costume for Spider-Man 2. “Creating the Spider-Man suit for the first film was a real challenge since we were designing for a kind of Cirque du Soleil acrobat, someone who had a unbelievable kinetic spiraling ability,” he said. “So the suit had to be extremely flexible. For the new installment we made several improvements, though you’d have to be a real enthusiast to spot them. The colors are slightly different, and we have made subtle changes in terms of the movement inside the costume’s hood. We also adjusted the eyepieces of Spider-Man’s mask as well as certain aspects of the spider design on the front and the back of the suit.”

For Spider-Man 2’s Doc Ock, Acheson and Raimi spent close to a year collaborating with Spisak and visual effects designer John Dykstra and working with Edge FX in what began as a series of “group think” sessions, according to Raimi. “I needed John Dykstra’s input, because it was John who was going to have to handle Doc Ock’s movements in CG, so he had to be involved in designing the character, along with Jim, who was going to determine the look of the character,” recalled Raimi. “Part of the look determined the movement, and what the arms look like began to govern how it functioned. Neil was involved because Ock had to be a part of Neil’s world in the film. A great interdependence developed among the department heads in order to achieve the complex nature and physicality of the character,”

“The challenge with Doc Ock is to visually create a believable world, focusing on a man with four tentacles growing out of his back,” said Spisak. “Now, that can be a tough swallow. So, in creating Ock and his world, we needed to design and play it so that everything was credible. Ove the course of several months, it became clear what was physically possible for Ock and what would have to be achieved via CG. We conceptualized the look and only then did we deal with the physical limitations, rather than letting them stop us at the beginning.”

Added Dykstra: “It was a huge challenge to make Doc Ock come to life. His tentacles had to meet several criteria. They had to be appropriate with regard to the world Neil had created for Spider-Man and Ock. The components of the costume – the texture and the weight – had to bed something an actor could actually wear. Since using the tentacles wasn’t always practical, we had to create ‘virtual’ versions with Edge FX. In the end, integrating the tentacles into the story was a marriage of all those components and the collaboration of everyone involved.”

Spisak and his team designed and dressed more than 100 sets and locations for Spider-Man 2. “There are probably 10 enormous sets, while some are simply street corners. We covered eleven blocks in downtown Los Angeles and used many rooftops, streets and buildings in New Yorj City,” noted Spisak. “This is certainly the biggest film I’ve ever done.”

Spisak worked with director of photography Bill Pope on the color palette for the sets, and they pored over research and location pictures to inspire them for the story’s lighting requirements. “In the first film, Peter Parker was younger, less aware and just beginning to discover his new powers. That was reflected in the overall look of the movie,” said Spisak. “With this film, he has been Spider-Man for a while, so his frustration over how to deal with his life versus his duty is more complex. That’s reflected in the color palette and the tone of this film – it’s a little more sophisticated, more complicated and deeper, in terms of color and look.”

Among the tools Dykstra and his team utilized to achieve the shots presenting Spider-Man’s point-of-view, while he is soaring over the city, was Earl Wiggins’ Spydercam. During the New York portion of the shoot, the specialized camera was launched using a remote-controlled computer suspended on a cable from a Wall Street-area rooftop more than 30 stories in the air, which recorded what DSpider-Man saw as he swung over the city. The camera traveled along a line suspended over four blocks, dipping down into the street and over the tops of several blocks of vehicles and background art that had been placed for the sequence.

“We were dropping the camera and moving it up and down over the course of the shot to follow Spider-Man’s trajectory as he swings through the arch, releasing a web, and shooting a new web as he swings into the traffic below,” explained Dykstra.

“One of the successes of the first film was the empathy the audience had for the main character. He was very sympathetic,” Dykstra said, “This movie explores the character in greater depth, and in terms of the visual effects, we’re hoping to give audiences an event more intimate sense of what it’s like to be Spider-Man. In the first film, we get to fly with him. The idea here is to make the flying sequences poetic enough and evocative enough that you will get an even stronger sense of what it’s like to fly like Spider-Man.”

That approach is reinforced by Raimi, said Ziskin, “One of the really striking aspects about Sam is that he is the audience for this film. He makes the movie for the audience, identifies with the characters and is always aware of the rhythms and how each sequence will play – both to him and the other members of the audience. That makes him the perfect director for this kind of material. Also, he’s at a point in his directing career where he’s at the top of his game. He is brilliant technically, but also works extraordinarily well with the actors. Ultimately, his personal connection to Peter Parker and the other main characters is a great gift to the audience.”

“These are tough, scary times and during such periods we look to heroic stories to give us hope,” noted Raimi. “Maybe that has something to do with why the audience was so taken with Spider-Man when he first appeared two years ago. With Spider-Man 2, I truly hope that audiences will feel that they’re seeing a love story, that they’re participating in another episode of Peter Parker’s life and are seeing the challenges and conflicts he faces and how he overcomes them. I hope it will leave them feeling uplifted and exhilarated.”

#spider-man #spider-man 2 #sam raimi #avi arad #laura ziskin #tobey maguire #kirsten dunst #alfred molina #rosemary harris #jk simmons #interviews #behind the scenes #concept art #peter parker #aunt may parker #mary jane watson #doc ock #j jonah jameson #set design

[shoichee]

Hello! Can I perhaps ask for no. 28. “Make me” from your prompt list for my beloved Imayoshi? It's so nice seeing him here on your theme and avatar and that pERFECT url, it feels like I finally found my people.

HELLO HELLO, and YES I WAS SO SURPRISED THAT NO ONE TOOK THIS URL... considering that it was just an alternative spelling of shoichi and its a rlly short handle too mwehe // im sort of a particular person when it comes to how something looks, whether itd be outfits, drawings, coloring, and the UI of a blog, u name it.... i may have spent hours trying to have the perfect colors for this theme PLEASEEEE, but without further ado here is our man, our little shit, Imayoshi

@knb-kreations howdy! another new work posted here!

Imayoshi x Reader

28. “Make me”

Word Count: 2331

prompt list here

»»—————　☼　—————««

Imayoshi doesn’t exactly know how he feels about you.

Scratch that, he does know. He’s quite amused at the shenanigans you pull on others around you, and a lot of times, you actually elicit a few dry laughs out of the guy. Other times though, he’d wish that you would just shut the fuck up, especially when all he hears amidst his studying was your loud “whispering” and “hushed” jokes. How you were always nearby no matter where he is was still a mystery that he casually ponders about from time to time. Perhaps your natural tendency to project your voice creates the illusion that you were near when you really weren’t?

No matter, such trivial thoughts can’t occupy his mind when college entrance exams loom closer. Then again, they weren’t particularly difficult; they were simply a hassle to secure near-perfect scores, especially when his chances of admittance rely critically on how well he does.

“That’s an awful drawing of a samurai,” Susa comments, snapping Imayoshi out of idle thought.

“Ho? Is it really terrible if you were able to tell what it is?” Imayoshi chuckles. “The point of a drawing is to convey the right idea or emotion. It seems that my drawing skills hit a bulls-eye with this sketch, no?” He playfully spins his pencil around, patiently waiting for his reply to goad him.

All Susa does in response is to roll his eyes before he turns his full attention back to his notes. He knows better than to try a comeback against Imayoshi, who can easily make it backfire against the person with a pleasant close-eyed smile. Imayoshi, seeing Susa’s nonverbal resign from engaging further banter, also looks down back to his book of scribbled notes and chicken-scratch drawings before he exhales an inaudible sigh.

School just doesn’t cut out to be mentally stimulating for him. It’s a little too repetitive and mundane for his taste.

“Argh!! Oh no!” your voice rang out, despite your poor attempt to be reasonably quiet. “I forgot applications for the Coca-Cola scholarship are due today!”

Coca-Cola… what?

Everyone looks up to warily eye you, and your few friends, who are currently rushing to pull you down and slap their hands over your mouth to mute you, were panicking at the new attention you managed to garner. Even still, your mind seems more fixated on whatever was on the laptop’s screen, rather than what they were doing to you.

Imayoshi can’t help but stifle his audible mirth from how you manage to change the mood of the entire library within seconds.

“How do you even forget something as important as a huge scholarship like that?” Susa says in dismay. “Makes me kind of wonder how (l/n) would handle life after graduation, to be honest.”

“Well,” Imayoshi begins. “I wouldn’t worry too much. It’s best not to underestimate (l/n)-san. Surely we’ve learned our lesson with Seirin?” He toys with the pencil grip before he sporadically draws some lines loosely resembling another sketch.

“Drawing again?” Susa raises a brow. “Have you even been studying?”

“Well,” he replies. “There’s still plenty of time before exams—months to be exact. Could you even study with the current distractions in here?” At his own words, he nudges his chin in your direction.

“It’s not just any exams though, it’s—”

“Whether they have more importance or not doesn’t really concern me. After all, standardized testing isn’t worth stressing out for when we’ve taken essentially the same thing all our lives.”

“What most are worried about is the content inside the exams, Imayoshi,” he said, carefully treading into dangerous waters with Imayoshi’s tendency to take all replies as mind-game challenges for his own amusement.

“‘If you have been paying attention consistently throughout the year, you wouldn’t be having much trouble…’ that’s what you once oh-so-wisely said to Wakamatsu yesterday, hmm?” His mimicking tone drips a hint of arrogance. “Unless you mean to tell me my ears do not work? But by all means, please feel free to correct me.”

“That’s different,” he sighed, his face clearly evident that he was done with Imayoshi’s shit. “That exam only tested content for the past year, not your entire academic repertoire over the courses of middle and high school.”

“I’d like to think that the logic still applies the same way.”

“Well,” Susa heaves with a languid stretch. “You generally score better on the exams than me, so you’re probably right. Still, don’t neglect your studying.”

“Right, right, Susa-senpai~”

“... Please don’t call me that again.”

“... If you say so,” he said, but his smile blatantly showed his real intentions of never stopping his irritable quips. Susa gets ready to pack up his book bag before he heads out the door with a friendly wave. Imayoshi half-heartedly returns the gesture with a casual wave of his own. He immediately notices you also packed up and about to leave with a worried frown, and of course, while audibly mumbling your concerns and makeshift schedules to accommodate time for last-minute essay writing. By now, all of your friends have left for home.

“Ah, biology lab due next week, kanji worksheets due tomorrow, hmm, um, how would I finish this on time… ah, calculus test is tomorrow too, ah shit… should I ask someone to tutor?—ah, but it’s super last minute, and there’s still that scholarship… argh, fuck!” Your voice peaked in volume at the end, and the librarian immediately shot daggers at you.

“Shhhhh!”

“A-Ah! S-Sorry, sorry!”

Imayoshi was watching you with his chin on his arm propped up on the desk, unable to control the smile that escaped his lips. You really were entertaining to watch, and you never cease to bore him.

He turns away to crack his neck and roll it around before methodically packing up his writing utensils and notebooks. Soft shuffling filled the air as he rearranged the items inside his bag. As he turns to pack the last thing on the table, which happened to be the notebook filled with his idle doodling, his face slightly softens at the drawing he did after the samurai. Yes, the one Susa chastised him for when he could’ve been studying. Yes, perhaps he was right when he was terrible at drawing after all; your panicked face and wild hand gestures didn’t really translate well into paper, and it looked a little too much like a horror comic and less than a sketch of you. Still, he’s oddly proud of it.

Imayoshi promptly pushes the chair in and leaves the library, but when he rounds the corner of the adjacent hallway, he bumps into you.

“Er—hi! I mean, please, uhhh… if it isn’t too much to ask—canyoupleasetutormeforthecalculustesttomorrowbecausemyfinalgradedependsonthat?”

Imayoshi winces at the sheer volume of your voice and plugs his ears in out of habit to block out some of the decibels. Wakamatsu was eerily similar to you in that regard. Only difference between the two of you was that you were deceptively intelligent. Extremely so.

“My, my, if it isn’t (l/n)-senpai!” He fakes a surprised look, earning him an eye roll on your end. “You need someone like me to teach you the works?”

“I—what? We’re literally in the same calc class, Imayoshi,” you retort. “Besides, drop the ‘senpai’ honorific. It feels so slimy when you say it so disingenuously… Aren’t we both 3rd years too?”

“I’m so hurt,” he mocks. “What if I was really genuine with you?”

“Look, right now, no remarks from you, Evil Glasses,” you say. “It’s really, really urgent and I don’t know how to grasp the material for the class lately, plus my essay, ugh…” You rub your fingers against your temples in an attempt to make the stressful headaches disappear while Imayoshi simply watches with his eyes slightly open.

“... You usually do well on all your exams, no? Unless my eyes and memory fail me.” It was true; even though you were as loud-mouthed as Wakamatsu, you would often shock a lot of people when your name always appeared in the higher percentiles of exam results. Apparently most students and teachers associate your rowdy personality with an expected subpar academic performance. He has you to thank for when your score reports always cause reactions of utter disbelief from the teachers. You really do liven up the school and make it a lot more unorthodox.

“I guess…” you mumble. “But I really wanna do especially well for this one because math is my weakest subject, and you always score the highest for these types of exams, so…”

“It may be my best subject,” he says, leaning slightly closer to your face. “But I’m not the one with the highest scores in any math subjects throughout these years, and we both know that quite well, don’t we, (l/n)? Why don’t you come clean about the real reason why you’re here?”

“Oh my literal fuck—Imayoshi, you’re one of the best students in calc right now regardless of exam results,” you petulantly huffed, not backing down from his intimidation. Imayoshi notes your cheeks reddening, and he figured it was either because of the close proximity between your faces or the fact you were frustrated… perhaps both. “And you’re the only one around here on campus who I could ask!”

“Really now,” he chimes, moving closer to whisper in your ear. “Are you sure?” With incoherent stammers, you backed away from him, slapping your hands against both of your ears to protect them.

“W-W-What the fuck are you doing?!”

“Looks like I won this one, (l/n)-san,” he purrs, relishing the fact that only he could render you this quiet. “Ho? What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”

“I—Shut up!” you lamely shoot back. “You can just say no if you really don’t wanna do this—urgh, I’m leaving, I’m not gonna waste any more time—”

“How hurtful,” he dryly remarks, standing up straight again after leaning for a quite a while. “It’s almost as if you’re rejecting me~” He knew you would always take his bait and quip back (unlike Susa), regardless of whether or not you tell him that you weren’t going to engage further.

“As if,” you snorted, making another exaggerated eye roll. “You’re the last person who would ever be hurt from this.”

“Dear me!” he exclaims. “Have you ever considered that perhaps I don’t help out people for free? Did you think I would be a gracious, selfless person who would help you like a saint?”

“Okay, fine! Perhaps I didn’t think that far ahead, okay? You just were the first person that came to mind, and I thought asking you wouldn’t hurt.” His smirk widens almost maliciously at your words, lips already opening to deliver another irritating quip before you immediately spoke again to stop him. “Okay, Imayoshi, you little shit, just shut up—I don’t wanna hear anything from your mouth right now.”

“I don’t see any reason why I should listen to you at all,” he muses. “Why don’t you make me?” He has a shit-eating grin plastered across his face, eagerly eyeing your next move, and as he expected, you let out a frustrated noise that prompted passerby students to shoot pointed looks towards the both of you.

What he didn’t expect was for you to take a huge step towards him, unceremoniously pull him down to your level, and press a reverberating smack on his lips. His eyes are immediately blown wide open to look at your embarrassed, but determined face. His fingers unconsciously move to touch his warmed lips.

“... That was quite romantic, wasn’t it, (l/n)?” he dryly says, recovering almost immediately from the shock. All the other students fled from the blatantly bold scene to save face. Not that Imayoshi really cared.

“Okay, you know what? Bye, I’m not gonna play anymore mind games with you,” you grumble. “Essays and studying aren’t gonna be done by themselves—wah!”

Imayoshi gently tugs you back to reciprocate back a kiss, meticulously slipping his hands behind your head and on your waist to accommodate you. Your eyes are completely open from the shock that the Imayoshi Shoichi was actually kissing you. You don’t close your eyes from the sensation, completely entranced when you make eye contact with his half-lidded eyes watching your every reaction closely. The kiss ended all too soon, and Imayoshi separates himself from you, secretly admiring your dazed look.

“That was quite a strong reaction to just a simple kiss.”

“I—that was not just a ‘simple kiss!’”

“Now would you like to tell me the true reason why you approached me?”

“You’re… insinuating that you know something.”

“Well we wouldn’t know unless you come clean,” Imayoshi purrs. “I can sometimes be wrong too.”

“Ugh, what the hell—fine, I am quite enamored by you, and uh, I… find it infuriating to be with you, but it also gives me butterflies… so I thought I could be with you more… if I asked you—don’t get it twisted, though! I still need your help to study!...” He covers his mouth to suppress a laugh at your honesty.

“Was it really so hard to say that in the beginning, (l/n)-san?”

“Okay, that’s it! I’m really, really leaving! Fuck off, Imayoshi, I swear to—”

“Ho? Just a minute, darling~” he tuts, reaching to hold your hand. “Perhaps if you offer more kisses as an incentive, I’d be more inclined to offer my expertise.”

“How quaint,” you dryly reply. “It’s almost as if we’re in a relationship.”

Imayoshi can’t help but bark out a genuine laugh. You even managed to pick up some of his mannerisms so quickly.

“That’s an interesting proposal, (l/n),” he murmurs. “Should we try that?” You tut at him irritatedly as you tug your interlocked hands while speed-walking ahead.

“Hurry up, or I’ll consider breaking up with you right now.”

“Ah ha!~” he chuckles at your attitude. “How mean, (l/n)-san! Too bad that we both know that’s not going to happen anytime soon.”

#ask #narnvaeron #knb #knb scenarios #kuroko no basket #imayoshi shouichi #imayoshi shoichi #imayoshi x reader #imayoshi #knb fic #knb fluff #100 followers #100 follower milestone

[we-are-the-amb]

for headcanons for the AMB: what's something each one is proud of?

Woo, sorry this was left unanswered for so long, buddy!

I think the defining difference between Sam and the Frogs’ pride, is that Sam is proud of who he is, where the Frogs are proud of what they can do.

Sam is proud of himself. It’s not that he goes around thinking he is great (although it doesn’t hurt to tell him so, a little positive attention never goes amiss). However, looking at himself, at his loves, his values, strengths, he is proud. He is sure he could have handled the trials in his life much worse, that he could have let his weaknesses define him more than he has. From a young age, he has struggled with a fragile immune system and long, painful illnesses, but still pursued his interest in dancing and big shopping trips. Even when he went through long periods of feeling defeated and frustrated with his body, he managed to pick himself up. He chose to be himself and be happy, rather than letting the words of his father weigh him down, even before he came out to anyone. He is not an over-achiever, by societal standards, he has not amounted to all he could have, but he doesn’t care. As well, he is aware of how judgemental he can be, that he is tempted, sometimes to be cruel. But, he is fiercely loving person, and he always takes a minute to step back and put himself into other people’s shoes. He wants people to feel as confident about themselves, as he he feels about himself. He’s true to himself, he aims to never make the same mistake twice and he sticks by the things and people he cares most about. He’s a good lad, he’s done just fine and he knows it.

Edgar is proud of his ability to push forward through difficult times. Though he is younger than Alan, and struggled significantly more than him academically, he was always the more confident and proactive of the two. This was fortunate in a way, as due to parental neglect, he had to take on a lot of responsibilities very early in his life. From a young age, he became the head of his house, a few years later, the manger of his parents’ business. These things, however, do not come high on his short list of things he is proud of, if at all. Because he never knew anything else, he does not consider these things achievements (nor injustices). Where he feels this quality does do him credit, though, is in his monster hunting. This, he sees as a special calling, an honourable quest, and so it is the work and courage he puts into his Monster Basher title that gives him pride. The unfortunate downside to this, however, is that it’s a Herculean effort to get him to accept help. He could be shuffling along on his knees, with his guts falling out and still be like; “No, I don’t need a hand, thank you, I still have my dignity!”

Alan is most proud of what he knows, that is, his ability to gather and memorise information. I said that Edgar was not so academically gifted as Alan. Alan was taught to read and write by his mother, in the years before she drew back from them. It was him to taught a neglected and dyslexic Edgar how to read and write. Edgar may have taken the reigns of the business (both the store, and the slaying), but Alan helped him read and process all the paperwork and “academic texts”. Again, like Edgar, Alan doesn’t see his role in the store, or the house as something be proud of. All his pride goes to his knowledge of folklore. His whole life, he has loved fairytales, fantasy and science fiction. He reads extensively, sometimes obsessively. He makes up for Edgar’s patchy, preoccupied memory with his own. He’s the lore buff of the AMB, and is most happy to talk, when it’s to share his knowledge.

#sam #sam emerson #edgar #edgar frog #alan #alan frog #awesome monster bashers #frog brothers #the lost boys #lost boys #headcanons