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reikunrei · 1 year

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really intrigued by this new stage play delving more into Henry's past and how it will inform/add to what we've already gotten of him in s4, and what we may potentially get in s5, so i kinda just want to ramble lol.

the way i see it, and how we as an audience and how some or all of the characters are meant to view him, is not necessarily that he's the stereotypical "big bad" villain. sure, he's villainous and the overall antagonist, and while he displays extremely monstrous behavior, he's not the "monster" that Eleven envisions.

she has a very black and white view of good vs bad. she's been fighting with this for a while, especially internally and how she views herself. from season 1, she thinks she's "the monster." she opened the initial gate, which made Will go missing, killed countless others, and got all of her new friends in trouble.

in season 2, we kind of started to touch on the idea of what kind of behavior is "good or bad" when she meets Kali. they share an unfathomable bond and love each other dearly through their shared experiences in Hawkins Lab. Kali teaches her how to be stronger, that she shouldn't hide from her powers, she should use them to help herself. and El leans into it, allows herself to be fueled by her rage and sadness. but she hesitates. she wants to strengthen this bond with Kali, her sister, but it feels wrong.

she's killed people, yes, but it's different when it's in self defense in the heat of the moment vs ambushing someone who, while he did hurt them, is currently unawares. plus, there's other innocent children involved. he may have hurt her, but El knows the pain of losing a parent. that's what brought her there in the first place. she can't do that to someone else. her grief hurts, but any relief will be fleeting under the further pain she now causes. she doesn't want to be the monster.

in season 3, this topic is mostly only broached with Billy. Billy is not a good dude. in fact, he sucks major chode and has approximately zero redeeming qualities, and the only reason Max is so torn up about his death is because of survivor's guilt.

but still, in order to beat the Mind Flayer, El has to break through to him, so she finds those happy memories of him with his mom on the beach, and makes him remember that, makes him fight for his mom, rather than the hell he's been through for the last X number of years. he might be a fucking shitty asshole, but he can pull off one valiant deed to save those around him, because he doesn't want to entirely give in to his misery. he wants to remember those happy moments, and wants his mother to be happy, wherever she may be, and that means making sure this monster (the Mind Flayer) is dead.

(plus i guess it's also like a stand-in for his dad. Billy's been abused his whole life, and has become the abuser, and he's sick of all of it. so now, he finally fights back and stands up for his mom like he's always wanted to.)

season 4 is a fucking smorgasbord. they went so heavy-handed with the "good vs evil" "monster vs superhero" shit that it would be hilarious if it weren't totally understandable bc all of these characters are 14 years old and don't have a full grasp on the nuances of the world just yet. again, we get El worrying that she could be the monster, that she'll make everything worse, that she's the one to blame for everything. Mike, Dr. Owens, Will, Brenner, none of them can convince her that, no matter what she did or does, she is their "hero." Owens gets pretty close, he at least gets a few smiles out of her, but she's still uncertain.

she thinks she can no longer be the hero because she lost her powers, that now she's useless, and even if now she's like a "normal kid," she knows she'll never really fit in. but then, when she starts at Nina, she fears that her powers will make her the monster all over again. that she's already done something so monstrous that she won't ever be able to forgive herself.

enter, Henry and the truth. that he killed all of those children. that he was the one behind everything to do with the Upside Down. that he was the reason that Brenner started all of these experiments and built his little "family" in their prison.

so she says Henry's the monster. or rather, Brenner was the monster, and he built Henry into the formidable monster that he then became when he fledged into Vecna. she's now dead-set on blaming it all on those two men, and it all started with Brenner, her Papa. even so, when she's saying goodbye to him, she's receptive to his touch. she leans into his hand, she accepts his affection.

she is so close to getting it. no, Brenner is not a good man, but she did love him at one point, and she still does to some degree. she might say he's the monster, but i think she doesn't really believe that. she just wants to convince herself that it's true so she can find someone to blame, to make it easy, to make it black and white.

and then Henry pushes her closer to the truth! he says that, no, Brenner was not a monster. he was just a man. a mediocre man, who sought power in others. Brenner was just a person.

again, he may have done monstrous things in that lab, but he was not the monster that El wants him to be.

and that leads us to how she views Henry.

where we left off leaves it a bit gray for me. obviously she tries talking him out of all of it, to stop his plan, to leave her friend alone, etc. "you are not the monster, Henry." but he doesn't listen. he likes being the monster. he's good at being the monster. he feels entirely justified in his actions and believes he's helping. and he's so entrenched in his own pain that he doesn't see any need to stop now while he's so close to his goal. Henry even turns it back on El, saying that she was the reason Henry even became Vecna in the first place. so, again, she could be called the "true monster" here for being the major catalyst of it all.

i think if El had the chance in that moment, she would have killed Henry. she was terrified watching him kill one of her best friends, one of her only friends in the whole world. she's killed people to protect her friends before, she isn't going to stop now.

but she couldn't. she had to rely on the teens in the Upside Down to take out his body. and, obviously, that didn't work in the end.

we don't see El talk about it any further, but with all of these prior conversations and experiences, once she's out of the heat of the moment, i think she would not want to kill Henry. just like Kali, the two of them have a bond and their shared experience under Brenner. she sees Henry as a sort of role model, a guardian, an older brother. at least, she did when she became so devoted to helping him, but just like with Brenner, i don't think that's entirely gone away.

she's terrified of him, disgusted by him, horrified at his behavior, but she simply can't see him as the pure "monster" that she wants him to be. she has to start to realize that it will never be possible to group either of them into one category. and she has to learn that that includes herself.

Eleven very easily could have become "Vecna," so to speak. she was just lucky enough to have a support system when she escaped the lab. she found the right kids who would love and support her through it all, the good and the bad, so that even if she does monstrous things, they'll be there for her to help her pick up the pieces and fix it together.

Henry didn't have that. he hid himself away, didn't admit to his family when things were bothering him (or, if he did, they didn't give him the support he needed), and allowed himself to become jaded with anything and everything that inconvenienced him. after all, nobody was helping him fix it, so he has to do it all himself.

he was trapped. just a little kid stuck in an unsavory situation, perhaps aggravated by whatever "shadow" it was that was living in the Creel House and stoking this burning ember inside of him. he was upset, hurt, felt abandoned and lost, and lashed out. it's no different to the times that El killed people in self defense, though perhaps Henry had a smidge more premeditation.

regardless, the core of both of their behaviors is the same: wanting to get out of their cage.

El was just lucky enough to have friends, and Henry was unfortunate to not have any strong, loving bonds like he so craved and needed.

Kali is sort of a middle ground for me at the moment. she is somewhere between El and Henry. she's using her hurt and anger and sadness as fuel, like Henry, but she still finds light and love in the world with her friends and family, like El. she wants to hurt people, like Henry, but she understands that there's only specific people who deserve that hurt, like El.

Henry just wants to throw out the whole baby with the bath. sure, there's specific people he's upset with, but it was the whole world that was set up to make his life harder. he wants to take out everyone because he believes the flaw runs all the way to the roots.

Eleven and Henry are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Henry wants to only see the bad, and El only wants to see the good.

Henry was hurt and then left to wallow in it for his entire life with no one offering out their hand to him. so, if everyone else is going to be "evil," why shouldn't he? he finds power that way, makes himself stronger, so he relies on it to build himself up, to the point that he actively avoids the happy memories of his victims. he can't admit that there might be good in the world, because that would strip him of all of his power. his stance would suddenly have no foundation if he were to acknowledge that there is good and love and light mixed in with all of his grief.

with this play, we'll get a glimpse at the possible happy memories that Henry has. we'll find ammunition for El to use against him, to point at and go "see! you were happy! you can still be happy! you don't have to be the monster! you can choose to get better!" that he has other qualities he can nurture other than his hatred. like Billy, he can find the good in an otherwise shitty situation and hang onto it like a life raft.

i'm not entirely sure what to expect from, nor do i know what i really want out of, the ending of season 5. will they kill Henry? will they reform him? will Henry kill himself? will Henry sacrifice himself? there's many options, and i could have a field day going through the possibilities of all of them.

at the very least, i'm almost entirely convinced that El will not want to kill him. especially with a potential time skip leaving her lots of room off-screen to mull it all over. i think she will be determined to talk him out of it. i even get a kick out of the idea of Max being trapped in his head and rooting around in his memories, playing the Ghost of Christmas Past to dredge up his younger years and go "remember this? you were happy! it's not all bad all the time, here's the evidence!"

when it comes to the other characters, i think a lot of them will still want to kill Henry. he caused all of this, after all. he's actively trying to kill them, destroy Hawkins, and potentially drag the whole world into darkness. they have to kill him, right!?

i do believe that El could potentially convince some of them to not try to kill him. especially Will, but i need to stop myself from going on that tangent or this will turn into a 20 page essay lol.

but even if they do reform him, i don't know if i want an actual "redemption" for him. like, that's not really the right word, i don't think, but i am also stupid, so.

like, i think there's lots of room for El to admit that she has done monstrous things, but her friends still stand by her and work with her to fix anything and everything that she may have caused, deliberately or not, because they love her. and she wants Henry to understand that he is just the same as her, and he is also deserving of understanding and help in fixing anything wrong he may have done, whether deliberately or because he was pushed into it.

but i haven't quite worked out where he would stand if they kept him alive. like, i can imagine two paths for him right now off the top of my head:

they fight and Henry is gravely injured. El tries to convince him and it doesn't work. Henry is petulant and stubborn and stuck in his anger and pain, and he doesn't want to listen to this child, his protégé, talk down to him and try to boss him around. so, he kills himself because, if his plan is going to fail, he'd rather be dead.

El tries to convince him and it does work, but he's in too deep now. the plan is in motion, and the only way to stop it completely is his death. so, he sacrifices himself to close the gates and keep their worlds forever separated, saving the Right Side Up from its horrible fate, but losing his own life in the process.

i hadn't thought of the 2nd option until today, and i'm actually quite fond of it. could you imagine our big villain, the one behind all of the characters' misery and pain and death, actually working on their side to fix the mess he's made?

i can totally see Henry's death being framed as a big tragedy, like Barb or Bob or Eddie, rather than the triumphant "win" it otherwise could have been. their antagonist dies, and it's sad.

and even if it was something like Will landing the final blow and killing Henry, or him killing himself, or even El taking his life, it will all be sad, because El will have learned that Henry was not purely the monster of Vecna that they'd been envisioning. he was an ordinary boy, trying to live an ordinary life, and that was ripped away from him (again, like Will, but again, i have to control myself!!!).

i so badly want El to acknowledge that she could have become our story's "Vecna," and Henry always had the capacity to become like Eleven.

in this story, there is no "monster" and no "superhero." every single person is capable of great good and great evil at the same time, and El and Henry need to meet in the middle on that spectrum. if you aren't already, i think that by the end of season 5, every member of the audience will be sympathetic toward Henry Creel, because everyone will understand that we are all capable of becoming as "bad" as him, and even he is capable of becoming "good."

should Henry be forgiven? probably not. nobody owes him forgiveness. nobody should go "aww he saved the day in the end, he was good all along!" that's not the point. the point is that despite doing bad things, all of these characters are deserving of understanding. you don't have to forgive to understand.

i really am just so interested to see more of Henry's past in an objective manner, rather than through Victor's or Henry's memory. we'll get some real meat to chew on and humanize this man that has been unfairly placed into the cookie-cutter mold of "monster."

#henry creel #stranger things #i say things #eleven #OKAY I. NEED TO STOP.#this turned way longer than i thought LOL #this dynamic between el and henry is what im most looking forward to in s5 tbh #it's just so JUICY #theres so much more i could add w how el views this issue #like i just remembered s2 when she tells hopper hes like brenner #BUT. AGAIN. I HAVE TO STOP

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inkskinned · 10 months

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so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.

first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.

it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.

and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.

you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.

and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.

your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.

in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.

in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.

so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.

you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.

once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.

and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"

you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?

hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!

you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.

we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?

#where's the word woman in this u might wonder if u suck #good news i am nonbinary and have a uterus so that is something that can happen #im also gender fluid tho which means im immune to certain psychic damage bc if u call me a woman i'll be like <3 okay <3 #writeblr #the tightrope of ''ppl need access to this''#and like also #''what the fuck is going on over there'' is like. so difficult as an activist #i was <3 punctured <3 during mine #and almost bled out on the table :) they didn't have anyone standing by bc it's ''just a little insertion''#so i started crashing and i vaguely remember apologizing for the fuss as i heard my heart rate monitor start going <3 tachycardic <3 #she wasn't even a bad doctor tbh #ps btw the reason i even HAD a heart monitor is that i have a genuine heart condition and they knew GOING IN that there was a chance #i'd crash on the table #like my heart just likes to do fun little tricks and <3 stop working <3 (i do not want to discuss the specifics ty i am okay im ontop of it #and they were like 'oh u will be fine' and then she did do a puncture thru my uterus . pop!#and im sitting there dizzy and feeling my heartrate start to drop bc it feels almost. beautiful. like. the whole ground just #woosh! out from under you. and shit is like grey's anatomy. i'm looking up at her grey eyes #she's old she wears this nice shawl she's like got Cool Lesbian vibes and people are sprinting into the room #from other parts of the clinic unrelated to me. while the monitor is like a little aria singing #and shes like hey youre okay stay awake stay with me something went wrong we have to keep trying #and i remember thinking - i was trying to think of nice things. i have so many beautiful places that now overlap #with this terrible memory #i became dimly aware that there was too much on her wrists and hands. like #that was too many liters #and then when they had finished all this. i packed up and drove myself home #i have had (bad thing) happen to me. and the same feeling happened after #that numb almost lamblike bleating. you cry without noise. like. ur body is so shocked and ur mind so empty #you just stare at the road and everything everything is happening behind glass and static and you are standing so far away from it #while you hold ur hands at 10 and 2. and something in ur brain is SCREAMING at you - IT WAS BAD AND IT SHOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED #and ur just watching the alarms in your body going off and youre thinking. a little pinch! ha. i think i just lost something important.

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throesofincreasingwonder · 10 months

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You know what? I want a whole post for this:

Sex Repulsion is not the same thing as, or an excuse for, Sex Negativity

non-negotiable!

I am a sex-repulsed asexual. This means that I am uncomfortable and repulsed by the idea of engaging in sexual acts. This does not mean that I have an excuse to be repulsed by other people's sexual attraction or the right to police how other people engage in or express sexual acts or attraction.

Young queer people need to learn the difference between sex repulsion and sex negativity, and actively work to unlearn sex-negative attitudes. Asexuality, even sex-repulsed asexuality, is and should be fully compatible with sex positivity.

If you are uncomfortable with the idea of other people feeling sexual attraction or engaging in sexual acts that do not involve you in any way, that is not sex repulsion it is the cultural Christianity and you need to seriously work on that.

#we as asexual people have got to have a talk about this because the shit i have been seeing is NOT okay #asexuality #sex positivity #this is largely intracommunity allo people can engage w/ it but don't be clowns #original post #500 #1k #PLEASE STOP TAGGING THIS AS 'CULTS' YOU CAN CRITIQUE A RELIGION W/O CALLING IT A CULT I AM BITING YOU #this barely even mentions Christianity like someone does not need to be in a cult to be sex negative. and also not all religions are cults #please be normal #other than that y'all have actually been very normal abt this one so far thank you #2k #5k

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sanshinexx · 3 months

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In a world where Fives survived

[More incorrect quotes and fanart here]

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yrsonpurpose · 2 months

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Mary & George (2024) Episode 3 'Not So Much as Love as by Awe'

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frenchublog · 9 days

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#tsom #the sound of music #captain von trapp #georg von trapp #maria von trapp #georg x maria #captain and the governess #pinecone/whistle #my art #please don't repost #chewing on them like squeaky toys #listen. i have a problem #and my problem is christopher plummer and julie andrews #spinning them like rotisserie chickens in my brain #i am going mental #what am i gonna do oh my god #they need to fucking stop #“you don't look like a captain” “you don't look like a nun” hmmmm okay can we calm down #what if i drew them kissing what then

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teatitty · 2 months

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It's way funnier to me to imagine that Geralt is the one who desperately wants Dandelion to winter at Kaer Morhen with him but Dandelion keeps saying no on the simple grounds that it's too fucking cold and do you want me to die Geralt? Do you want me to get hypothermia and fucking die?

And Geralt's like "please I am begging on my knees I will cuddle you every night to keep you warm I just need to prove you actually exist"

#the witcher books #dandelion #geralt of rivia #gerlion #you know those romcom plots that are like 'I told my fam I have a bf and now they want to meet him so pls pretend to date me'?#this is like that except the reverse #geralt tells his fam he has a bestie who's a bard that cuddles with him at night and they all just #don't believe him bc it sounds so ridiculous #'it's okay to say you're just lonely geralt you don't need to Invent A Guy to convince us you're not'#'I DIDN'T INVENT A GUY HE'S REAL I PROMISE STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M A PATHETIC WET DOG'

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ghost-bxrd · 21 days

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Prompt:

Instead of going for Tim, Jason goes for the easiest way to utterly destroy his Replacement and kidnaps his civilian boyfriend to demonstrate just how easy it is to lose something (or someone) you love in this line of work.

And while the whole “make the Replacement beg” part of the plan is going amazing…. Jason really didn’t plan the whole “keeping a conspiracy theorist teenager hostage” through to the end.

Bernard just wants to know what the new crime lord’s deal with Robin is. And why— and how— exactly he’s supposed to be a bargaining chip when he can count the times he met Robin on one hand. oh! and could someone maybe tell his boyfriend, Tim, that he’ll be late for their coffee date on Tuesday?

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ryllen · 2 months

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#twst #twisted wonderland #sebek zigvolt #okay but DAMN??? THIS RESONATES so well with how they have been interacted with each other???? I ACTUALLY FEEL TOUCHED *SNIFF* *SOBS*#IT'S VERY UNLIKELY but i can't stop imagining SEBEK SINGING IT NOW especially the I HATE I HATE I HATE PART SO HIM AUGHH THANK YOUU??????#lilia vanrouge #kalim al asim #cater diamond #light music club #fanart #GOD LOOK HOW GOOD HE LOOKS WITH LIGHT MUSIC CLUB #he might not even need microphone BCS HE IS SO LOUD ALREADY #BUT DANG #i mean it could be that the mic is not even ON HFSHDH bcs the club member just wisely thought so #look at this boy having his clothes and hair set up by the club members #HE LOOKS SO GOOD AND YOUNG #MUCH YOUTH #AUGHHHH...............#THE MUSIC CLUB LOOKS SO CHEERFUL AS WELL IT LOOKS SO FUUUNNN AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!#who knows who knows lilia worked on his influence 'magic' to get sebek to do thiss #augghhh i can dreeammmmmmm

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hiraethminds · 10 months

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A few of the silly tinks I did weeks ago when I was trying to figure out how 2 draw him

#spirit tracks #toon link #wind waker #legend of zelda #Not very good sorry it was my first time drawing him lol #I need to post my current art but it usually takes me a few weeks too stop cringing every time I look at my art #And be okay with other people cringing at it lawl

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megalomari · 3 months

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the biggest hater in Faerûn

#Baldur's Gate 3 #Astarion #Wyll Ravengard #i need to draw more bg3 but for that to happen i have to stop playing bg3 help!#based on that one meme #WAIT F UCK I COULD HAVE PUT (ASTARION DISSAPROVES) IN THE CORNER #just imagine it okay #i just draw stuff and then suffer with the cropping bc i don't plan things #but i like how they turned out! heh

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inkskinned · 10 months

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you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

#writeblr #warm up #my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky #i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles #yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help #for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT #and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen #than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say #''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help #i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.''#bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't #actually offer fair support to everyone #we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less.#and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help #bc i DID have it better than other people #and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help.#we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn #instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself

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