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thanksjro · 3 years

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn��t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

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mymedlife · 3 years

Text

Guys, the pandemic has broken me. Every time we seem to be making any progress I feel like we get set back again.

Sorry for the long rant ahead, but I feel like I need to get it out of my head.

Back in the beginning, last March or so, when the state I'm living in shut down, I felt like I could do it. Daycare shut down for almost 3 months to prevent spread.

My husband's job changed his hours to 10a to 8p since everyone was working remotely so they could all be working on the same time zone.

My cofellows were generous enough to switch shifts so I could work all nights and weekends and watch my kiddo during the day. Which kind of sucked, because she doesn't play independently for very long, o was tired, hubby wanted it quiet, and everything was closed so there wasn't anywhere to go to break up the monotony.

Work was filled with frequent changes around what protective equipment we have and what is required to be worn where. I got fitted for 3 different N95s because we kept running out, despite having to check them out and have them sterilized between uses.

I had frequent discussions about how COVID is real with families who refused testing. Parents lied about their symptoms to be allowed into the hospital with their kids, including one who collapsed mid visit due to respiratory failure. Several people ended up having to quarantine because they weren't wearing their N95s during the resuscitation as it was unexpected (at the time we were only wearing N95s during aerosolizing procedures including bagging). This lead to a new rule on not stopping in to help until you have the proper equipment on (which makes sense, but but is so hard).

Early on I spent some time volunteering for the COVID hotline for my state. Most of the questions I got were people upset that things were closing. There were very few health calls.

My aunt died. My sister, a psychologist, argued with her boss she should get a raise for being a frontline worker. My other sister, who is immunocompromised, was mad that all her friends continued to party guilt free and we kept telling her to stay home. My husband began to enjoy his new schedule to the point that he would stay up until 3am playing games after work (the kid was asleep and I was working) and sleep until he had to work at 10 am. My friends talked about their new lock down hobbies, including my co fellow who spent her time creating a new lecture series for the residents. I felt like I was trending water, I started getting behind on fellowship things and I was so tired. My kiddo was happy that I was spending more time with her, and it all was temporary, right?

Eventually things started opening up again. Daycare returned. Two days later my husband was fired. Thankfully he found a job within a few months, but during that time was quick to anger and his staying up all night playing games and sleeping most of the day got worse. He dismissed anything I had to say about it and frequently promised to sleep earlier, later saying he had to stay up because the kid had a nightmare that I slept through.

During this time, many of my pediatrician friends were called to see adults due to high patient volumes and doctor shortages. Luckily I only had to see kids, but there was still a lot of mystery surrounding symptoms and the discovery of the multi system inflammatory syndrome.

My kiddo got sent home a few times from daycare for vague symptoms that necessitated a COVID test, and at one point she was at home with me for 2 weeks due to a COVID positive exposure in class. My husband's job was new so he couldn't take off time to help. At some point things shifted so I was now doing all the daycare pickup and drop-off as well as all the bedtimes (unless I was physically at work).

Following Breonna Taylor and George Floyd there were large scale protests around the downtown area, where my hospital is located. I wholeheartedly support the movement, but someone told my kid it was dangerous to go downtown, and she became fearful of me going to work. This combined with the break in at our home lead to sleep refusal. Something I had to help he with, leading to bedtime taking hours, because my husband would yell at her. Most nights I was too tired after getting her to bed to do much, which lead to more work piling up.

Job hunting was not as fun as I had hoped it would had been. I had one in person interview, everything else was virtual. Thinking about working at a place I've never seen was terrifying.

Many places simply ghosted me. Lots weren't hiring. A few went on a hiring freeze after my interview.

Every interview asked what hobby I developed during lockdown. I admittedly could have answered this question better, and explained that I survived the lockdown with a toddler and that was an accomplishment.

My home institution decided to go with my co fellow over me. When I asked my mentor why she said they felt she had more to contribute to medical education than I do. I'm convinced that in part this has to do with all the lectures she wrote during lockdown.

I was able to get a job, but it's at a smaller community ED where we have a few beds in an adult ED. I mentioned to my associated program director I was a little disappointed, and suddenly everyone is telling me to be thankful for what I have.

I can be thankful and disappointed at the same time.

I think the biggest thing is a fear that if I hate this job I wont ever be able to find another one.

I also kind of resent my kid and husband, if I had more support or time to focus on fellowship things may have been different.

But life goes on. The vaccine was created, things opened up, and now those who aren't vaccinated can stop masking.

The my body my choice people who previously refused to mask are pleased, and now there are barely any masks when I go out (despite a not great vaccination rate in my area).

My kid is 3 and cant get the vaccine, so we still wear them. She loves to whine about how the others don't wear their masks. "It's not fair."

No, it really isn't.

Masks are still required in the hospital, which parents complain about daily. Recently every time I recommend a COVID test it has been refused. The pandemic is over. Kids can't get COVID. And other nonsense.

Kids as young as 12 can get vaccinated. However there is real concern about post vaccine myocarditis. Now everyone who comes in with chest pain wants to complain, even if they are unvaccinated.

Things have been stressful, and my kid is picking up on that. She still has trouble sleeping and has started having tantrums. We recently had a meeting with daycare and they want us to have seen by psych to get her evaluated.

I've found that I've lost interest in most of my hobbies, not that I have a lot of time for them. Fellowship finished and I have the next two weeks off before starting my new job. I was planning on spending it sleeping, cleaning the house, getting out the baby stuff as we are expecting a new little one in a couple of months, and rediscovering my hobbies.

Today I had an awful migraine. I cant take the meds I usually take because of the pregnancy, and my OB wont prescribe anything because he is worried about masking signs of preeclampsia. My husband refused to get up to watch the kid because he was tired, so I pushed through until he was ready to get up.

I lay down to try to get a nap and I get a call that there has been a case of COVID at daycare, and they will be closing for 2 weeks. They will open up the day I start my new job.

And this my friends is what has broken me.

I was so looking forward to finally have time for self care, and now I get to play stay at home mom again with my kid who is in isolation.

After that call I got up and left the house. I'm sitting in my car at the park writing this, and while I know I will go back home eventually, I'm tempted to drive off and let my husband deal with this for a change.

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mintymiknow · 3 years

Text

Trust Fall - ch. 11 | Lee Minho

summary | character profiles | masterlist

Pairing: Lee Minho/Lee Know x Reader

Summary: Your relationships with Minho and the other agents are surely better than before, but a simple mission turns into a nightmare when something re-awakens memories you’ve left in the back of your mind.

Genre: Secret agent/spy au, romance, angst, action

Word count: Approx. 6.2k

Warnings for this chapter: Human experiments (another warning will be placed within the story so you’ll know which paragraphs to skip should you want to)

A/N: Sorry for the delay! I’m super busy with schoolwork, so it’s a bit difficult to squeeze in time to write (and on the very short breaks I have...I may be playing Genshin Impact oops). Anyway, here’s the 11th chapter! We’re getting closer to the chapter that I am most excited to reveal~ For now, enjoy this one! It’s a bit packed-ish, so if you have any questions or comments, hit me up!

“Whoa, that’s really cool.” Jeongin says as his eyes remain glued to your phone screen.

It’s a rather quiet morning, with the older agents - Chan, Minho, Changbin and Hyunjin - out on another short mission. The young agent is seated beside you on one of the lounge couches, having convinced you to show him some chemistry videos - and explain the process afterwards. You didn’t mind, finding amusement in how enthusiastic he was like a curious student in grade school. He clicked video after video, watching in awe as you narrated your scientific explanations.

“I assume that’s why Jisung wanted to have a profession in chemistry.” you lightly joke, “Chemical reactions are something else.”

“I admit that’s one reason.” Jisung responds with a laugh, “That, and science in general is fun.”

Seungmin is seated by one of the tables, circling and highlighting important parts in one of the lab reports he was reading. “I’ll have you guys know, in case nobody knew, that Jisung and I went to the same university and had so many classes together.” the young doctor says with a smirk.

“Ah!” Jisung yells, rushing over to Seungmin to try and shut him up.

Seungmin laughs innocently, unbothered by Jisung’s poor attempts to cover his mouth. He grins, “Jisung’s broken so many beakers and caused mini explosions in the lab.”

Jeongin laughs at this, leaning back on the couch, “Seems legit. Didn’t Minho say he did that a lot when he was a rookie here?”

Felix tilts his head, “I think so. For about a few months, there were so many accidents in the lab.”

Jisung forces a laugh and puts his hands on his hips, “Well, look at me now! I’m essentially like, the head of the lab department!”

Seungmin sing-songs, “So am I.”

Jeongin laughs, his eyes narrowing like slits as he does so. “Yeah, yeah.” he teases, “But both of you are horrible with physical combat.”

“We’re in the lab for a reason!” they both defend themselves, causing the youngest to laugh at their reactions.

Felix stretches before letting out a yawn, leaning on your shoulder as he gently closes his eyes. “I do love being in the tech department...but it’s so tiring to monitor a screen the whole day.”

You chuckle, giving his head a quick pat, “Well...at least you get to test out devices and technical equipment, as well as repair and upgrade these.”

“That’s true.” he hums in satisfaction, letting out another yawn.

The freckled agent melts against your side, and you can hear soft snores escaping his lips. A wave of warmth fills you as you admire his tranquil expression, something you wished you could have. In the background, you can still hear Seungmin, Jisung and Jeongin having playful banter; in a stranger’s eyes, this could have been the perfect setting to the perfect hangout session between a bunch of friends.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t.

Not when every second of your life was filled with an indescribably heaviness that would wipe the smile off your face the minute you let your guard down.

Still, you let yourself relax, releasing a long sigh as you lean your head on top of Felix’s, closing your eyes to rest as well. It would have been nice, but the moment doesn’t last too long as the lounge room door opens, and an authoritative voice greets everyone in the room.

“Alright guys, time to work.”

Everyone looks towards the door, waving and grinning at the newcomers. Chan, Changbin, Hyunjin and Minho walk towards where your group is; Hyunjin sits on top of the table Seungmin was working on, Minho plops down beside Felix, Chan sits on the armrest of the couch, and Changbin leans against the table next to Hyunjin.

While Seungmin is speaking to the three other older agents who had just arrived, Minho leans over to peer at the sleeping Felix. A soft chuckle manages to escape the male as he whispers, “Not sure if this is from work or from his habit of staying up late to play video games.”

You raise an eyebrow and softly chuckle, giving the younger male’s head a pat, “He deserves to rest. He watches out for all of you during missions.”

Minho looks at you, eyes tired but the usual warmth is there. He breaks into a small smile before nodding, “Can’t argue with that.”

You smile back before looking down at Felix. However, the little moment - between you and Minho perhaps - is broken when Chan clears his throat and waves a few sheets of paper around. “Ok, thanks for the update, Seungmin.” the eldest says, “Now, while you are working on that in the lab, the rest of us have another mission.”

Jeongin hums, leaning back on the couch, “What are we gonna do now?”

Chan nods and proceeds to explain, “The current scout team was able to locate one of Cle’s deeper bases. This one seems to operate underground - literally underground. Anyhow, the team located it and found a way to infiltrate.”

“How’s the security?” Felix stirs awake, lifting his head from your shoulder.

Changbin answers, “Not too tight. Approximately two to three guards per entrance, but it isn’t as heavily guarded as their other bases. It might be because it’s one of their more lowkey bases. The team said it seemed like a small place, so it might be easy to study the layout once you’ve hacked in.”

Felix gives a playful salute, causing Minho to chuckle next to him. Chan then continues briefing the group, “Minho and Changbin will lead one team to...deal with the guards and keep watch of the perimeter just in case. Hyunjin, Jeongin and I will infiltrate the base itself. I need you to tag along, Jisung. This underground base is apparently housing many of their chemicals and prototype serums.”

All the agents nod their heads to show that they’ve understood. The eldest agent then turns to Seungmin, then you, “Seungmin, you already know your tasks in the labs...y/n. Jung has given you the choice of staying with Seungmin or going with us so you and Jisung can get necessary things from their base to further your observations.”

Seungmin ponders from where he’s seated, leaning back on the chair as he speaks, “I think you should go with Jisung, y/n. I’m working on the tests, but I’ll manage. Jisung might need you to assist in gathering evidence.”

Jisung nods. “I agree. I could always use a hand. Also, it would be nice if you were there since you’re...more familiar with the serum. Only if you’re comfortable though!”

You weigh your options for a few seconds, running all sorts of scenarios and a pros-and-cons list in your mind. After a moment, you nod and turn to face Chan, “I’ll accompany Jisung.”

If going with them to the base would speed things up, so be it. You were close to finding a solution - Minho knows this - and anything to fully complete and speed the process up would be a nice touch. You trust Seungmin in the lab, so might as well make sure the agents don’t miss anything that could be of use in Cle’s base.

Chan gives you a smile before chuckling, “Alright, that’s settled. Rendezvous at Basement 1 after lunch, alright?”

“Got it.”

“Roger that, Channie!”

“Alright.”

The other boys all hop to their feet and gather their things, heading out of the lounge room to prepare. Minho, on the other hand, is still splayed across the couch, his eyes closed as he leans his head back on the cushions. Chan chuckles at him, tilting his head with endearment, “Not gonna get ready, Min?”

A small smile graces Minho’s lips despite his eyes still being closed. “We just got back from a mission. I’ll just nap for a few minutes, don’t worry.”

“Alright, sleep well.” Chan laughs, flashing you a quick wink before leaving the room.

“Wha - ” you mouth to yourself, raising your eyebrows in confusion.

You then turn to Minho who is still lying on the couch, eyes closed; yeah, he was definitely asleep. You’ve seen Minho sleep more than you’ve seen any of the other guys.

You shift a little beside him on the couch, a bit antsy and lost, if that were the proper term to use. You could have left the room with the others, but here you were, sitting beside the sleeping male without any intention of leaving his side.

Something or someone possesses you - you think - because now you’re leaning closer, bringing a hand up to gently sweep his bangs across his forehead. Your fingers gently ghost over the skin of his forehead, but he doesn’t stir awake. Your hand then comes to rest by his jaw, and somehow, you think your hand has found its place there; you try not to think about that too much.

Leaning over with your other hand splayed across his chest for support, you lean closer and closer until you’re able to see his long eyelashes in pure detail. When you blink, your own eyelashes tickle his skin, and when you breathe, you’re almost certain your breath fans over his face.

Yet he does not stir awake.

Oddly enough, he really was asleep despite what you were doing. You made a little joke to yourself, thinking that he wasn’t very agent-like at the moment as he should be more alert and aware of the situation.

You gulp once before closing the distance, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

Again, you were convinced something possessed you to do that because you weren’t sure why you even did such a thing.

Maybe you wanted to finish whatever was going on when you danced back at the gala.

Maybe. At this point, nothing made sense to you when it came to Minho.

As you thought, his lips were so soft and warm against yours. You keep your lips lightly pressed against his for less than three seconds before slightly pulling away and then returning to leave one last quick peck on his lips.

When you pull away again, lips hovering above his like a ghost, you think you’re in the safe zone. But your heart shoots up to your throat and your nerves freeze like ice, eyes wider than Jupiter when you feel the male’s lips moving against your own.

“What do you think you’re doing, dear Dr. Song?” Minho asks with a low voice, lips brushing against yours with every word he speaks - were that counted as kisses as well?

His eyes are still closed, and you pray that he keeps it that way so he doesn’t see the “cornered mouse” expression you have going on. And the fact that you’re redder than the apple pie Jeongin ate for breakfast.

“I…” you try and try and try to come up with an excuse, rattling your brain for absolutely anything, “...um…”

Nothing. Out of all the times, nothing comes out.

You manage to sit straighter, turning your head to the side as if some magical person would appear to help you out of this situation. By the time you look back at Minho, the next series of events happen in a literal flash.

Minho hooks a hand behind your knee and uses the other to grab your arm, pulling to maneuver both your bodies on the couch. From seeing the wall of the room to seeing the ceiling, you now realize that you’re on your back, head hitting the small throw pillows on the couch - basically where Minho was lying down prior to now.

The male agent looms over you, settled between your legs as he stares down - you aren’t sure if it’s a blank stare or a toned-down glare. Either way, the position and proximity causes your heart to race and face to heat up hotter than the sun. “Minho.” you breathe out with a shaky voice.

Minho leans closer, and for a second you think he’s about to kiss you. However, you feel his velvety lips against the shell of your ear, whispering, “If you wanted to kiss me that bad, you should have just said so.”

“Eh?” is all that comes out of your mouth.

You nearly shriek when you feel Minho pressing a light kiss on your earlobe - dangerously close to your neck - before he pulls back to look at you. Then he breaks into a less sly smile, the corners of his lips curling much too cutely for your heart. “Kidding. I’m just getting back at you.” he winks before sitting back straight and pulling you along to sit as well.

You look at him with furrowed brows - mainly to hide your embarrassment, “With your flirting skills, it’s hard to believe you’ve never had a girlfriend.”

“And how sure are you?” he hums playfully.

“Nevermind. Seungmin did mention something like ‘the first time in a while’ so you’ve probably had someone some time before.” you look up as if trying to remember the doctor’s exact words.

But when you turn to Minho, you notice how he’s tensed up, eyes dark and filled with an abyssal fire. You clear your throat, and shrink in your place, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cross the line.”

Minho blinks as if doing so would snap him out of his trance; it sort of does, as the darkness fades into a more comfortable warmth. He shakes his head and offers a smile - forced, you know, because you’re used to pretending a smile as well. “No need.” the male says, ruffling your hair, “It was a long time ago, after all.”

You don’t get to ask much more - not that you were going to anyway - because Minho is standing up and walking towards the door. “Basement 1 after lunch, y/n.” he calls out, offering a small smile.

A smile that seemed to carry much more sorrow than joy.

A smile that seemed to mask a much darker and bitter feeling, much like how you’d mask your nightmares with nonchalance and distrust.

A smile that made you want to hug him. The doctor in you wanted to comfort everyone you encountered.

“Basement 1 after lunch.” you repeat, offering your own small smile.

Minho is a generally good judge of character, and when he sees the sincerity and warmth in the very small smile of yours, it’s enough to ignite a light in the abyss he holds in himself. He bows his head and then leaves the room.

Maybe Chan was right.

Perhaps you were nothing like Jiyeon after all.

At the designated time, everyone meets up at Basement 1 of the main HQ’s building. You get in a car with Jisung, Chan, Jeongin and Hyunjin while Minho and Changbin get in another with two other agents. Without making any delays, the team heads out for their next mission. Jisung was talking about the various chemical substances the lab team had found so far, explaining how this affects the entire mission and such. Chan drives while listening, and Hyunjin and Jeongin engage the scientist with his conversation.

You, on the other hand, lean your head against the window, mind plagued with thoughts about Minho. What about Minho? You aren’t really sure. There’s a lot. His smile, the way his eyes flicker between darkness and warmth, the way he acts like nothing in this world can move him yet he moves for the sake of those he loves (though he won’t show it). The way his dark hair falls beautifully just above his eyes, parted with perfection with little strands adding a hint of delicateness to his sharp-featured face.

You bump your head on the window to snap out of it, causing Jisung to look at you with a quizzical expression. You smile, shaking your head and mouthing, “I was spacing out.”

Jisung chuckles before patting your shoulder, and then proceeds to continue his conversation with the other agents. You sigh to yourself, bringing a hand to your heart as if doing so would calm it down.

Later, the team finally arrives. Minho, Changbin and their team go ahead so that they can clear a path for the investigative team. It takes about 15 minutes for Changbin to speak into the communication device, signaling a clear path.

Chan gestures for the rest of you to follow, and so you do. Somewhere towards one of the side entrances of Cle’s underground base, your team meets with Minho who is guarding the entrance. “Felix has the layout down, and it shouldn’t be too complicated to navigate.” the agent says in a hushed voice, “You have an estimated one hour to snoop around before Cle backup arrives.”

The eldest agent nods, “Alright, come on guys.”

Once inside the base, you look around and observe the surroundings. Minho and Changbin’s team keep watch of knocked-out Cle agents currently sprawled on the floor.

It was fairly small for a base, a total of two floors only. Each floor had about 2-3 rooms that weren’t too big - perhaps the size of an average classroom or slightly larger. Jisung heads inside one of the rooms, a zealous expression on his face as he zooms away. Jeongin calmly walks to another room, followed by Chan.

Hyunjin pats your shoulder and smiles, “Shall we?”

You nod your head, and the male then leads the way upstairs to the second floor. Once you’ve both reached the landing, you split up; Hyunjin goes to the room on the left while you go to the one in the middle. Thankfully, the other agents rounded the Cle people up and made sure the second floor was unoccupied.

Your eyes scan the contents of one of the shelves, noting that they were nothing but the usual drugstore or medical medicines. Still, you list down the items on a sheet of paper just in case. You then move over to the lab refrigerators, opening the door and pleased to see that it was still functioning. Satisfied was probably the best way to describe your mood right now as you were able to spot a few vials with a familiar looking fluid inside each one - the prototype serums.

With gloved hands, you carefully take some and put them in the little case SKZ provided for evidence. Standing up, you continue to investigate the mini lab; when you’re convinced there’s nothing else, you step out and move on to another room - the one at the very end.

When you open the door, a very pitch-black dark room greets you, and a waft of some rotten stench rushes out. You grimace, hoping dangerous chemicals weren’t spilled or exposed in the room. You carefully fumble at the wall next to the door, searching for a light switch. Once you feel something, you switch it on -

- and immediately regret it.

[A/N: italics = flashback] / [Warning: graphic descriptions of human experimentation and dead bodies. Should you wish to skip this, press CTRL + F (or any command to help you search for words on a webpage) and search “Your hands shoot up to clutch at your head”. You can continue reading from there]

Your pupils shook at the sight in front of you; behind the large glass window of one of the lab’s top secret rooms lay a pile of dead bodies, nothing but burned, decayed or disfigured.

You swallowed, throat dry and scratchy, “What...why are you still doing this? You need to stop.”

A scientist laughed with a rather mocking tone, “Dr. Song, stop being so surprised every time you see these things. It’s very necessary to test the serum - ”

“Not on humans.” you glared, clenching your fists, “Human testing isn’t something that should be done, especially for people like us who - ”

A slap on the cheek.

You yelped at the contact, bringing a hand to the area of impact. The scientist furrowed his eyebrows and spoke with a growl, “Do not interrupt me, understood?”

You only glared harder.

He laughed again, shaking his head in disbelief. “Silly little doctor. You may not see it now, but what we’re doing now is going to be monumental...life-changing. No, world-changing i fact.” he hummed.

You shook your head, “And when Mr. Jung finds out?”

The scientist took a large step towards you, prompting you to take a step back and as a result, collide with one of the lab tables. Caged like a prey, you tried not to show your fear. The scientist leaned close and smirked evilly, “But he won’t, won’t he?”

You opened your mouth to say something, but immediately closed it when the scientist looked past you and nodded as if someone was standing behind you. You risked a peak, hoping to see who was there. However, whoever was standing there was now gone, and your attention was brought back to the scientist in front of you.

“Jung isn't going to know when his most trusted agent is on our side.” the scientist snickered, finally pulling away from your space.

Your hands don’t stop shaking. The scientist walked over to the glass window as if looking at the dead bodies gave him satisfaction. With a sly smirk, he spoke, “And I believe you should remain on our side and do as we tell you, Dr. Song.”

You involuntarily shivered at the image of disfigured, burned and rotten corpses that you’d see on an almost-daily basis.

“Especially if you don’t want your parents behind this glass window next.”

You closed your eyes, allowing a tear to roll down your cheek as you released a shaky breath. With shaky hands, you picked up a few vials and beakers before heading into the chemistry lab.

You go into a state of shock, eyes wide like you just saw hell. Your heart races and stops at the same time - if that were possible, and your legs suddenly feel like jelly. Whatever lunch you had now wants to exit your stomach through your mouth, and you feel your head splitting in two.

There, in the corner of the room you just opened, were three lifeless bodies in the appearance similar to what you’d often see when you were still officially in SKZ. Their lifeless eyes were eerily faced towards you, the pure horror in them still evident.

You can hear the screams and pleas.

Your hands shoot up to clutch at your head just as your legs fail; you fall on your knees and let out a scream despite urging yourself to keep it in. Your breathing becomes heavier as if a boulder was barreling down on you, and the tears are hot like acid on your cheeks.

Hyunjin is the first to arrive, expression contorted in disgust as he sees the inside of the room. He’s quick to your side, kneeling down to pull you into a safe hug. You barely hear the rush of footsteps up the stairs, but you somehow notice that the other agents - except Minho, Changbin and their team - arrive at the second floor.

Jeongin looks in concern, eyebrows furrowed softly. When Hyunjin nods towards the room, the younger male looks, and his expression is instantly replaced with a horrified glare. Jisung seems taken aback as well, but he chooses to sit next to you while comfortingly rubbing your back.

Chan stands behind you, speaking into his communication device. “She’s unharmed, but we need to get her away from here.” he says.

A few seconds of silence for the other end - most probably Minho - to respond, then Chan speaks again, “Not sure...I think...she saw something. She’s breaking down, so I’m going to have Jeongin and Jisung take her back. Tell Changbin to accompany them.”

With that, Hyunjin quite literally has to pull you up, helping get you onto Jeongin’s back so that the younger male can carry you. As soon as you wrap your arms around his neck and close your eyes, the world turns dark as you pass out.

Hours later, the next thing you see is the ceiling of your room in the living quarters, your vision still a bit hazy. You gently sit up, eyes immediately able to catch Chan sitting on the edge of the bed as he types on his phone. He doesn’t need to look up when he greets you, “You’re up.”

He turns to face you, a small yet comforting smile gracing his lips. “How are you?” he asks.

You sigh, looking down at your blanket, “I’m sorry...I just…”

“You’re ok.” he assures you, a gentle pat on your leg, “No need to explain or rush into anything. You passed out, so you should be taking it easy.”

You open your mouth to speak, but choose otherwise and decide to just stay quiet, fiddling with the blanket on your lap. Chan moves a bit closer and crosses his arms, “Minho and Jisung are at the lab. Jeongin, Changbin and Hyunjin are resting too. They’re all fine, if you’re wondering how the mission went.”

“That’s good.” you sigh and breathe out shakily, “I’m sorry for the hassle, Chan.”

The agent smiles warmly, shaking his head, “Don’t be. We promised to take care of you, remember? It’s all good.”

You nod, and Chan lets out a little chuckle as he pretends to coo as if you were a baby. He opens his arms wide and smiles, “Come here.”

You allow yourself to shift closer, bringing yourself against his body. You visibly relax when he hugs you, rubbing your back comfortingly. If being in Minho’s arms was like being home, Chan’s hugs felt like hot cocoa with plump marshmallows. Pulling away, he offers another warm smile and says, “If you need anything, just call any of us, alright?”

“Yes.” you nod, giving him a grateful smile.

A knock on the door is then heard, and a second later, Seungmin and Jung enter the room. Seungmin puts a bottle of water on your bedside table along with a few pills. “These are for the headaches and dizziness. There’s also medicine for nausea if you’re still feeling it. Don’t forget to drink up.” the doctor smiles, “I also recommend you go out and walk around for a bit. Nice, fresh air might help you relax again.”

“Thank you, Seungmin.” you offer him a small smile, nodding your head in acknowledgement to his words.

Jung sighs in relief, shaking his head worriedly, “When Changbin reported that something happened to you, I was quite worried. Are you alright?”

You nod, “More or less. I’m sorry about that.”

Jung smiles before turning to Chan and Seungmin, “May I have a moment with Dr. Song please?”

Seungmin nods, giving you a little wave before leaving the room. Chan gives you another hug, whispering “I’ll go get Minho” before he makes his leave as well - it makes you giggle a little. When the two agents leave, Jung takes a seat on the edge of the bed and looks at you with concern, “Did something happen back there?”

Jung is the only person who knows about what happened in the lab years ago, so you’re pretty sure he’s somehow managed to deduce that whatever happened in the Cle base was connected to the past. You sigh, closing your eyes to answer, “There was a room with...corpses. It just made the memories come back and all.”

“I see.” Jung says calmly, “I’m sorry you had to see that. We should have had the agents sweep the area first. Would you like to take a break for a few days? Stay at home first?”

You offer a small smile and shake your head, “Thank you, but I’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’m not stopping until this is done. It’s...the least I can do.”

Jung chuckles softly, nodding his head. The head of SKZ then stands up and gives you an approving nod, “Keep up the good work, Dr. Song, but don’t worry about taking a rest every now and then. Just tell Minho or Chan, ok?”

You nod, so Jung turns on his heel to leave the room. After he takes a few steps, you suddenly say, “Jung.”

The head turns around, tilting his head to inquire. You then continue cautiously, “When the memories flashed back...I remembered something one of the scientists said.”

“What was it?”

“He said one of your most trusted agents was on their side at that time.”

Jung sighs tiredly, a sorrowful look in his eyes, “Ah, yes, a devastating betrayal. I’m not sure where that agent is now - they escaped the day the lab fight broke out, along with the other scientists and doctors. I’m assuming they’re with Cle as well...perhaps we’ll cross paths again.”

You nod, humming as you absorb his explanation, “And if you do cross paths again…?”

“Well, traitors to SKZ are as good as dead to me.”

“I see.”

Jung gives you one more smile before telling you to get rest. Once you nod, the head leaves your room.

For the next few minutes, you sit on your bed, taking the medicines Seungmin gave you before texting Jisung for updates on how lab work was doing. While conversing and typing your messages and replies, your door’s digital lock beeps, and shortly after, the agent you’ve (secretly) been wanting to see walks in your room.

When you look up, Minho casually waves and smiles, gesturing his head towards you, “Feeling better?”

You nod, “Yes.”

Once he’s seated on the edge of the bed, he has an apologetic expression on his face as he sighs, “Sorry about that. We didn’t - I didn’t - know that there was going to be a room like that. I should have searched ahead.”

“It’s not your fault.” you respond, “It’s part of the job. It’s just...me. It’s a personal thing.”

Minho nods, sighing deeply; he looked like a teen mustering up the courage to ask his crush out on a date or something of the like. It brought a very small smile to your face. When he looks at you with a much calmer expression, a slow and easy smile on his lips, your heart skips a beat. “Wanna grab some coffee with me then?”

“Pardon?”

Minho laughs at your dumbfounded expression and chuckles, “Let’s get some coffee. There’s a cafe the boys and I usually go to. My treat.”

“Wait...what? Why?” you say, trying to connect the puzzle pieces, “Shouldn’t...we be working?”

Minho laughs, his eyes sparkling as he does so, “Lab team’s running tests on the prototype serums right now, so we’ll have to wait for the results either way.” he shrugs, offering another smile, “And while you should be there, I think a change of scenery is what you need right now. To help you feel better.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t say no to coffee, but...why?” you slightly blush.

Why you?

As if he could sense your question, he playfully winks, “I’m technically your partner - I’m like your...superior, I guess. It’s my responsibility to take care of you as well, y/n. I did promise you, right?”

“Well,” you chuckle softly, biting your lip to repress a giddy grin, “if you say so.”

Minho smiles fondly, cupping your cheek to briefly stroke his thumb on your skin, “Come on, get dressed. I’ll wait outside.”

The scent of coffee and honey fills your senses the minute you and Minho step into the cafe. With classy and minimalistic-looking interior and soft, mellow music playing, you somehow understood why Minho and the boys would frequent the place. The male agent leads you to the side of the counter, nodding his head for you to pick whatever you wanted, “We have some sort of...connection with this particular cafe.” he says lightly, “We get intel from the employees in exchange for a little money. But...some are genuinely friends and not just connections.”

“Fascinating world.” you chuckle as you scan the menu.

After telling him your choices, Minho moves in front of the counter to order. The barista on duty flashes a smile and chuckles, “Hey, Minho. Been a while, huh? How are the boys?”

“Wooyoung.” Minho nods with a smile, “We’ve all been busy, you know how it is.”

“Yup.” the barista laughs, “What’ll you have?”

“1 iced americano and 1 mint cheesecake.” the agent answers, “And then 1 iced coffee with milk and 1 shortcake for her.”

The barista nods as he punches the order in the cash register, his lips curling into a cheery smile upon seeing you. “Oh? I haven’t seen you with another girl in a while. No more Jiyeon?”

Minho can’t get angry or upset with the barista. He doesn’t blame him. Though they knew about SKZ and gave information if they had any, they wouldn’t know about what goes on internally - about what happened between Minho and a former lover.

The male agent then forces a smile and laughs lightly, “Yeah, no more. I...I’m not sure where she’s at or what she’s doing. Haven’t kept in touch.”

“Ouch.” Wooyoung hisses playfully, then he beams after punching in your orders, “Alright! Just wait a few minutes then I’ll have your orders ready.”

“Thanks man.”

While walking over to a nice and slightly more secluded table, you playfully tilt your head and ask, “Who’s Jiyeon?”

The fake smile is back, but you don’t miss the agony hiding in his eyes. “A friend from before.” Minho replies, “It’s all in the past though.”

And so you don’t push on, afraid to cross the line and sever whatever bond you already formed with the agent.

A few minutes later, Wooyoung serves your orders, and you enjoy the treat Minho has given you. After a few bites and sips, you clear your throat and speak, “About the mission earlier - ”

Minho cuts you off with a calm smile, “You don’t need to, y/n. I took you out here so you could have a breather, not talk about work or the mission.”

You slowly nod, a small yet grateful smile on your lips as you look down at the coffee cup in your hands. Through the windows of the coffee shop, you can see the sky fading from orange-lavender to a darker shade of purple and blue, ushering the entrace of the vening sky.

Minho leans back on his chair and hums, “Let’s see...what do you miss most about Gongjak?”

“Huh?” you look up and gather your thoughts, “Well, probably the pediatric wing. I like my appointment with the kids. Some are snotty and cry really loudly, but generally, it’s nice to see kids.”

Minho pretends to ignore the swelling of his heart, desperately swatting away an endearing image of you being good with kids. “Is that why you like Jeongin so much? He technically is a kid to us.”

“Maybe.” you laugh.

“Then, what don’t you miss?”

You chuckle at this one, “Definitely doing rounds in the ungodly hours of midnight or early morning. Or being called so suddenly for emergencies just when you’re about to sleep. But...my job is my job.”

The laugh that comes out of Minho is melodic to your ears, drowning you completely. With a brighter smile, you nod at him, “What about you? What do you like most about being an agent? Why did you become one?”

Minho shrugs, a small smile on his lips, “To keep people safe. There really isn’t a deeper reason; it’s just that. I like that I can be the reason all these people can live their lives so freely and safely. I wasn’t given that luxury growing up.”

“Oh, I see.” you say softly.

Minho lightens the mood with another chuckle, “What I don’t like is back-to-back missions. I just get back from one mission then I’m sent to another. It’s like finals week in college or something. Oh, and the injuries. Those are a pain in the ass.”

“Well, that’s why you have doctors.” you laugh.

“That’s true.” Minho raises an eyebrow playfully, “Now...what’s been the most memorable thing to happen recently in SKZ?”

“I guess...the recent gala.” you state.

Because we danced and nearly kissed. Because I felt your warmth and held you close.

“The food was good and the accommodations were amazing.” you say instead, eyes twinkling at the memory.

“You sound like Hyunjin.” Minho teases.

You pout, narrowing your eyes at him, “What about you? Not counting all other agent stuff. Just recent ones.”

“Hmmm,” Minho starts, “when you kissed me in the lounge room?”

“Minho!”

“I’m serious!”

“You - ” you stutter, cheeks flaring up.

Minho laughs, taking a sip of his coffee, “Not gonna lie when I say that’s the most surprising thing that’s ever happened in a long time. No one really dares to do such things with me.”

“One would think you’ve kissed a million girls by now.”

“I sort of have. Undercover and all.”

You glare, “Not what I meant, but alright.”

“Would you like to be added to the list of girls I’ve kissed? I don’t remember much of them though.” Minho laughs playfully.

You choke on your coffee after trying to stifle a laugh, “I wasn’t expecting that from you, you know? There really is more to you.”

“I could say the same for you, y/n.” Minho says amusedly.

You and Minho continue to converse and have light-hearted chit chat; the male even throws in a joke or two, allowing you to see the side of him that only Chan and the rest are allowed to see. You witness the side of Minho that isn’t the stone-cold agent; instead, you’re just seeing Minho, the man who has stars in his eyes and cares for his friends.

Just Lee Minho.

A part of you - and a part of Minho - wonders if this is what life would be like if you were two normal citizens, working normal jobs and living the free and peaceful life.

Not as an agent and scientist-slash-doctor trying to stay afloat to avoid drowning in their abysses.

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kodavistaa · 3 years

Text

F.E.A.R.

Summary: Joygrave encounters a vampire problem after Vampstille gives them a surprise visit.

Notes: This is inspired by this awesome video by The Hoodies (Joywave’s old band) and all the Vampstille lore, of course. I recommended watching it before you read, although this fic does make some changes to the video. Also I originally wrote this as a joke, but honestly I don’t know if it still is anymore, so if this skirts a weird line between comedy and seriousness, that’s why.

Warnings: Vampire murder, cringe, me not knowing how British people speak

“If you guys want anything to drink, we have water, coffee… or tea, whatever you British people drink,” Daniel Armbruster says as the Vampstille and Joygrave guys are casually chatting. To Daniel’s dismay, the Vampstille guys have suddenly shown up at the Joycave, coming back from a vampire hunt, and made themselves at home for the night.

“So how have you lot been?” Diordan asks.

“Things have gotten a bit hectic since Ben left to go into demon hunting, but it’s been good, just the usual ghostbusting,” Joey replies.

“What was that vampire hunt you guys said you were coming back from?” Daniel asks.

“A new clan was causing trouble in Buffalo,” Woody says, “it’s good we nipped the problem right in the bud. Once a clan starts growing it becomes a real pain.”

“Rochester has had more vampire activity recently,” Daniel sighs, “we think they’re just passing by, but I do not want to deal with vampires coming here. Our vacuum isn’t equipped for vampires yet.”

~~~

Crash!

Daniel wakes up groggily and has the nagging feeling that Diordan touched something he wasn’t supposed to mess with.

“I swear if he breaks something,” Daniel mumbles as he puts on his glasses.

He makes his way out of his room and sees Diordan wandering about.

“Hey,” Daniel yells, “I told you not to touch any- ohhhh, you’re not Dan.”

An unfamiliar vampire flashes his fangs at Daniel.

“Noooooo!” Daniel screams, throwing the nearest thing next to him, a cereal bowl, at the vampire, and runs. The vampire pins Daniel against the wall and aims his fangs at his neck, but suddenly drops dead before he can bite Daniel.

Diordan stands in front of the other, stake in hand, “you okay?”

Daniel exhales, “yeah.”

The window next to them breaks and a few vampires jump in.

“Oh God no,” Daniel whines, “what did you bring with you?”

“Dunno,” Diordan replies, getting his spare stake and tossing it to Daniel, “but unless you want to become someone’s next meal, you gotta fight.”

Woody bursts into the room in his wolf form, taking out one of the vampires. The rest of Vampstille and Joygrave follow, all armed with stakes.

“We’re surrounded, one of them almost got Paul,” Kyle says, “how are we going to get out of this one?”

“How many are there out there?” Diordan asks as he fights off another vampire.

“About 10, but we don’t know if there’s more coming,” Will answers, gracefully dodging a vampire flying at him.

“There’s 7 of us, we can take them.”

“I think you overestimate me!” Daniel screams as he sends his stake into a vampire, “ugh, I really hate doing that.”

Diordan chuckles, “you got it, mate, just do that 9 more times.”

Vampstille and Joygrave work surprisingly well together, taking out vampires like a well-oiled machine. Soon enough, the intruders start retreating.

“How many escaped?” Diordan asks.

“Four,” Woody answers, back in his human form.

“What was that?” Daniel says, exasperated, “were they from the clan you guys dealt with?”

Woody shakes his head, “no, totally different scent.”

“Those vampires were trying to get you,” Will says, looking at the Joygrave boys, “they totally ignored me sometimes. Strange, because I’m clearly the bigger threat.”

The Joygrave guys gulp.

“Could any vampires be after you?” Diordan asks.

“No! We don’t do vampires, if you haven’t figured it out already,” Daniel says, digging through his drawers to find his cross he definitely put somewhere in the Joycave years ago.

“Yeah, he gets creeped out when I’m in my bat form, tries to vacuum me,” Diordan replies, side-eyeing Daniel, “there has to be something else...”

“I think we should follow them,” Kyle suggests, “get a surprise on them before they can recover. We’ll have the equipment from the van with us this time.”

~~~

“Woody, do you smell anything?” Kyle asks.

Woody takes a moment to sniff the wind, “I’m getting 3 vampires, just here recently.”

“You said there were 4 of them that escaped, right?” Joey says.

Diordan peers at a rock with a few drops of blood not yet dried on it, “you think the other one could’ve split up?”

“They could be getting back up,” Will suggests.

They find themselves following the path of the vampires to a rickety and old, but large, mansion.

“Are you sure it ends here?” Diordan asks Woody, to which the werewolf nods.

Kyle opens the trunk of the van, “let’s get suited up.”

Woody leads the group as they enter the house carefully, hyper-aware of any sounds or changes of wind. He motions to a staircase leading down the basement and as they make their way down the stairs, faint music can barely be heard through the walls.

“Do you hear that?” Joey whispers.

Daniel’s face turns pale, “no, it can’t be.”

“What is it?” Kyle asks.

“It’s… it’s,” Paul stutters, “it’s Rock & Roll Part 2.”

“Guys, the EMF is off the charts,” Joey says, pointing at his EMF meter, “it’s a level 5 apparition.”

“What are you talking about?” Diordan asks, confused.

Daniel pushes the group up the stairs, “we have to get out of here, now!”

A red figure flies past them, bringing a gust of wind that almost knocks them off their feet, and Daniel thinks he sees a flash of sparkly gold sunglasses before they all rush into the van, driving off as fast as the van can handle.

“What was that?” Diordan asks exasperatedly.

“Terry Glitter,” Daniel replies solemnly, “it was one of our first experiences ghost hunting. We weren’t even Joygrave yet, we were The Spookies. We were going to a gig, the first one in a long time. It turned out the promoter was a ghost, vengeful and swore to terrorize all musicians... He got our friend, Brandon.”

Daniel sniffles as Joey pats him on the back, “we thought we contained him.”

“We didn’t know about level 5 apparitions then, and our equipment wasn’t the best,” Joey says, “he must’ve tricked us and escaped.”

“Level 5 apparition? Can you get rid of those?” Woody wonders.

Paul nods, “we have the proper equipment now, back at the Joycave, but it’s a ghost trap and it needs to be set up discreetly, which usually means we have to lure the ghost to our location.”

“So you’re going to lure the ghost to the Joycave?” Will asks.

“No! That would be a disaster,” Daniel exclaims, “if he figures out he can unleash all of the ghosts we’ve ever captured by destroying our storage chamber, it would be chaos. Good thing the chamber is super discreet, looks like a Joygrave travel mug.”

Diordan facepalms, “oh my God, I almost opened that.”

“Didn’t I tell you NOT to touch anything? I said that like 4 or 5 times before-”

“There’s a barn we can use,” Joey interrupts Daniel before the mustachioed man goes on a rant, “we just have to find a way to get them there.”

~~~

“Okay, I’m at the barn now, I’ll go check,” Daniel says, hanging up the phone. Walking up the barn, Daniel hears some faint shuffling behind him, but shrugs it off. He goes inside and the door slams shut immediately.

“You must be brave going places alone, especially this barn where there’s no one else nearby,” Terry Glitter’s familiar voice taunts as Rock & Roll Part 2 plays in the distance, “I have to say, though, I didn’t expect you boys to make friends with vampire hunters, but that’s just a small hiccup in my plans.”

The ghost materializes in front of Daniel, leaning on his pickaxe with a sinister smile. A few bats fly around the two, turning into their vampire forms behind the ghost. Daniel takes a step back, bringing out his Portable Joygrave Ghost Vacuum™.

Terry laughs, “you think that thing can get me.”

“No, but this can,” Daniel replies.

An awkward silence ensues and Terry looks around in confusion.

“I SAID BUT THIS CAN,” Daniel yells, annoyed.

A green beam appears from the back of the room slowly pulling Terry into the ghost trap.

“Destroy that trap!” Terry yells at the vampires.

The door flies open and Diordan leaps at a vampire trying to get to the trap. The rest follow in, armed to the teeth with vampire and ghost hunting gear.

Daniel dodges a vampire lunging at him as Will expertly throws a stake at the vampire. A bookcase flies at Woody, which he manages to escape.

“Paul! The ghost!” Daniel yells as Paul gets out his Joygrave Ghost Power Dampener™ and blasts it at Terry before he sends another piece of furniture flying.

“This ghost kind of looks like Paul,” Kyle says.

Diordan shrugs, “I don’t see it.”

“Just imagine him without the sunglasses.”

“Hmm, I don’t know.”

“No, he definitely doesn’t look like me,” Paul adds.

“See!”

“Hello? There’s a vampire problem here!” Daniel yells as he tries to throw a stake at a vampire getting too close to the trap. Diordan knocks down the vampire, ending them with a quick blow.

“Was that the last vampire?” Joey asks.

“I think so,” Will replies, wiping off sweat from his forehead.

Terry looks like he’s fuming, getting pulled into the trap, “you all will pay for this! I will escape and I’ll bring every ghost with-”

“Oh no! I can’t hear you. We’re breaking up, bye!” Daniel yells as the trap closes.

“Successful hunt wasn’t it?” Woody says, back in his human form, “not as much goo as I expected.”

The group laughs, finally able to breathe a sigh of relief.

“Who wants to burn stuff in the firepit?”

#ngl this isn't my best work but it was fun #vampstille #joywave #bastille #fic

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with-my-murder-flute · 4 years

Text

Initial sketch notes of my historical research on Islamic experiences of the Siege of Jerusalem during the First Crusade, posted August 6, 2020. This is the long version of “Why might Yusuf al-Kaysani, who is from the Maghreb, have been fighting at Jerusalem in 1099?”

Trigger Warning: Graphic violence, slavery, and genocide

Notes taken from reading Paul M. Cobb’s The Race for Paradise: An Isamic History of the Crusades and supplemented by Dr. Google. I’m reading Cobb’s book partly because it’s on audiobook (though it is a fricking Audible Exclusive) and partly because it’s written for Western non-Muslim audiences, which helps get me up to speed.

The Old Guard Through History video says Joe and Nicky met during the Siege of Jerusalem in 1099, so I’ve focused most of my research on that.

Historians generally agree that in the 11th century the Islamic* world did not have a “Muslims vs Christians” worldview like the one Christians were beginning to develop. Their experience led them to expect Christians to be allies as often as enemies. Around the 1060s Christians began a new paradigm of religious war against Muslims, which Muslims didn’t really realize at the time--they responded to times when Christians would choose religious affiliation over clear strategic gain as shocking and bizarre, a departure from the status quo

(*Islamic: Society predominantly defined by Muslim rule and culture, but containing people of many different religions)

The Islamic response to the First Crusade was decentralized and diverse. There were a lot of different groups in the Levant*, many of whom had deep divisions, rivalries, and feuds. They mostly saw the Crusaders as a new factor that might affect their existing rivalries with other Islamic states, and were used to being able to broker deals or treaties with Christian groups to turn local warfare to their advantage.

(*Levant: A term used to describe countries in the Eastern Mediterranean, especially those with traditional religious significance to the Abrahamic religions - modern-day Israel, Palestine, Jordan, Syria, Lebanon, and parts of Egypt and Turkey. Comes from the French word for “rising”, in the sense of “where the sun rises”)

Additional term I’m going to be using a lot: “Frank”. It’s the Islamic term for, basically, “Western European” (of both the pagan and Roman Catholic varieties). It’s easier than saying “the Roman Catholics” or “The Crusaders” (which is putting a later cultural construct on people who didn’t call themselves that)

The biggest division of Islamic society in this area is, roughly, the Seljuq Turks and the Fatimid Caliphate.

In the year 1000, the Fatimids were riding high: They ruled Egypt and North Africa stretching across to the Atlantic, much of the Levant, the island of Sicily, and bits of the Arabian Peninsula around the Red Sea.

Then in the mid-11th century the Seljuqs came BLASTING OUTTA NOWHERE like holy shit calm your jets and conquered a lot of Fatimid and Byzantine territory (we’re talking the yellow parts of the map, they’ll destroy the Byzantines entirely later)

In addition to losing land to the Seljuqs, the Fatimids also lost Sicily to the Normans (who don’t even GO THERE but anyway), and North Africa through?? Independence movements?? Sheer carelessness??? I’m not quite certain.

The Seljuqs were Sunni, the Fatimids were Shi’ite, I... am not gonna try to explain that whole thing. Here’s a video.

(Small note for Yusuf character reasons: A big motivation behind the move of Ifriqiya [modern Tunisia and parts of Algieria and Libya] out of Fatimid control was that most of their populations were also Sunni)

So the Franks left Constantinople and travelled through what is now Turkey but was at the time the Byzantine Empire, and then moved into Seljuq lands. Most of the fighting in the First Crusade was against Seljuqs--mostly against tribes who fought for themselves, I think? Although in Damascus (which was a huge city the Franks just breezed by in favour of historically significant ghost towns) there was a general jihad preached like “Hey somebody should do something about all these Europeans”, so some of the people fighting were like... random people from Damascus.

While the Seljuqs were distracted, the Fatimids thought they could win some land back from THOSE UPSTARTS, so they snuck in and grabbed Jerusalem. As Peter Konieczny reports, there are scholars who think the Fatimids thought, partly because they had a lot of experience ruling Egypt’s Coptic Christian population, that they could reach a mutually satisfactory alliance with the Franks, especially since it seemed like most of the Franks didn’t intend to settle in the area, but return to Europe once they ensured pilgrim access to Jerusalem, which had mostly been hindered by banditry in Seljuq-controlled areas.

When I read stuff just generally about the Fatimid army, it’s described as being composed of two groups:

Berber tribesmen (Kutama and Sanhaja) (I’m struggling to find more info about them)

Mamluks, who are... a cross between slaves and mercenaries? Basically, they were captives from non-Muslim territory (in the Fatimids’ case, mostly Circassia in central Asia) who were brought to Muslim lands and trained as soldiers, but once active as soldiers, were paid and hired by different groups, able to achieve freedom, often gained important government posts, and occasionally toppled the government they served and ruled the roost.

This next bit is based on fairly standard histories of the Siege of Jerusalem that rely a lot on Western sources, like this article by Michael D. Hull and this article by Michael Cartwright. Which... have to be taken with a grain of salt, because medieval military histories don’t tend to line up super well with archaeology or plain logistics. Generally, it isn’t wise to take medieval European sources at their word when they say “the army had 10,000 people” or “they killed every last person”. They’re often written after the fact and with clear biases, and, when it comes to the Crusades, with an imperfect understanding of the culture they’re describing. I’d like to have better sources, but this is where I’m starting from, especially since I have limited access to academic sources during the summer.

So, the standard history says that Jerusalem was taken in 1098 by Emir al-Afdal Shahinshah, but by 1099, governor Iftikhar al-Daula was in command of the defenses. and that he had a “garrison of Arab cavalry and Sudanese archers.” Cartwright reports it as “perhaps several thousand infantry and an elite cavalry corps of 400 Egyptians.” I currently have no way of knowing which of these troops were Mamluks and which weren’t.

According to Hull, when the Fatimids in Jerusalem realized they would have to face a siege, they expelled all Christians of any denomination from the city, as well as all Jews “except for those of a sect for whom it was mandatory to reside in the Holy City”. Cartwright reports it as “...all Christians were kicked out if the city. In contrast, the Jewish population were allowed to stay”. Cartwright reports that Jerusalem’s population, 70,000 at the beginning of the year, was lowered to 30,000 by the expulsions (though some people were also coming into the city to take refuge from the oncoming Frankish army). Additional preparations included poisoning wells outside of Jerusalem to deny the Frankish army water, and emptying the land around the city of livestock and people.

The Fatimids were also expecting the arrival of an army marching north from Egypt to help them out relatively soon, which explains why their strategy was mostly “hunker down and wait” with very limited attacks outside the city.

The Franks came southward down the coast to Jaffa, where they took the nearest port to Jerusalem, and then approached the city.

June 7, 1099: The Frankish army shows up at Jerusalem with about 15,000 people total and less than 1,500 armed knights. They split into two camps, one attacking from the south, one from the north. They were in rough shape and didn’t have any siege weapons, so the Fatimid defenders were able to sit up on the walls, taunt them, and shoot arrows. They enlivened the tedium by sending cavalry units outside the walls to harass Franks who were scavenging for food and water.

June 13, 1099: Some Franks on the north side of the city managed to scrabble together siege ladders and try to climb up and assault the walls; they were repelled pretty easily by the defenders.

June 17, 1099: English and Genoese ships land at Jaffa, carrying siege equipment and fresh supplies. Hull reports that the Fatimids dispatched troops, 400 Arabs and 200 Turks, to attack the supply chain between Jaffa and Jerusalem; Hull reports that the Franks only lost 5 of the force of maybe 150-200 knights, and “all of the archers” (about 50?)

It takes about three weeks to transport the supplies to Jerusalem and for the siege towers to be built; the Genoese played an especially large role in building the siege equipment, and their chief engineer is named as William Embriaco.

On July 10 the siege engines were finished and wheeled to the walls. That night everyone inside the city and out sat over campfires, showing each other pictures of their families and trying to humanize themselves for the audience to make their impending deaths more impactful

(I kid)

(mostly)

June 13-15: Almost continuous fighting between the Franks, who are trying to move their siege engines close enough to make it onto the walls of Jerusalem, and the Fatimid defenders, who were trying to fight them off and burn their towers down.

June 15: The Franks breach the walls and begin pouring inside, killing and looting its inhabitants. There is well-documented destruction of Muslim and Jewish holy places, where Muslims and Jews fled for refuge and were killed. This part is. Sickening. Tens of thousands of people dead; the streets running with blood.

The Fatimid governor and various others (possibly the remainders of the army? Possibly important citizens? Some Jews appear to be in this group?) took refuge in the Tower of David, and were able to negotiate to leave Jerusalem safely. The Fatimid soldiers who left the city that way joined the advancing Fatimid army at Ascalon, southwest of Jerusalem.

It’s unclear who the survivors were--the sources mention people left aside being made into slaves, being allowed to leave the city, or being ransomed by rich relatives outside the city. The fact that we have Jewish and Muslim accounts of what happened during this time means there were survivors

But let’s face it: The survivors were the minority. The majority of people, thousands of them, were slaughtered by the Franks as they took over the city.

Epilogue: The Fatimids tried to take Jerusalem back a month later, and failed. Jerusalem was in Crusader hands.

It’s taken me three days to write this up and I’m ending it feeling really blah and drained by the enormity of this shit. I...

The Race for Paradise has this bit that talks about two Western ways of talking about the Crusades:

The Traditional paradigm, where this was a great moment for Christianity, whew we kicked those guys’ BUTTS!

The Lachrymose (Latin for “full of tears”) paradigm, coming to popularity since the Enlightenment, where this was horrific mass slaughter caused by religious zealotry and it was bad and everything was bad

But the thing is, we can’t actually stop there. Or, that is: It’s not actually useful for our only narratives about the Crusades to be either “Christians kill everyone and it’s awesome” or “Christians kill everyone and it’s terrible”. It’s not true; it feeds into the overall false narrative of “European Christians only interacted with [Muslims/Middle Easterners/People of Colour] very rarely, and only when there was an atrocity happening.” It means we fail to acknowledge all the cross-cultural contacts that happened without an atrocity, and fail to realize that a lot of these atrocities came out of the context of incredibly warlike countries whose economies depended on warfare and conquest.

Another element is... during the 11th century, when all of this happened, the Normans also invaded England. Their conquest was absolutely brutal. England was ethnically and linguistically divided for centuries between a French-speaking colonial upper class, and the English-speaking peasantry. But over the centuries, these two groups came to live together peacefully and build a distinctly new society. Most peoples’ narratives of medieval England are not “a land of massacre, genocide, and ethnic strife”, even though those things definitely happened. We just have much stronger associations with medieval English art, literature, culture, fashion, and architecture than its slaughters.

So basically: The challenge for us in the 21st century is to develop a richer understanding of the past. We know a hell of a lot about battles and armies; we know way less about merchants and farmers, and about the long decades between battles and armies. Military history tells us about waging war, but if we can look past that, we can find out about waging peace.

Now I’m going to go collapse into my bed, and in a day or five I’ll write up a TL;DR version about what I think the likeliest backstories for Joe are (Briefly: probably a Fatimid cavalry soldier or an ordinary person who thought it was safe to be in Jerusalem at the time, and had to defend himself and his servants etc when the city fell)

#medievalism #my stuff #the old guard #nicky/joe #yusuf al-kaysani

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thefanficmonster · 3 years

Text

Kick Some Ghost Ass

”Until Dawn Gang x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Swearing, Sex jokes (excuse my bad humor)

Genre: CRACK, Humor

Summary: It’s one thing when trouble finds this gang, but why don’t we take a look at what happens when they go actively looking for trouble. Needless to say, chaos ensues and no one is spared. Some are more affected than others, and some are dead-ass traumatized, but isn’t that just how life is in general?

Requested by my dearest ever - Until Dawn Anon. Hi lovely! I’ve missed writing your requests and I’m really happy to be back, creating another chaotic fic! I’m sorry it has taken me so long to post it but here it finally is - crazy as ever! I hope you enjoy it! Love you to Blackwood Pines and back baby ❤❤❤

I don’t know how I’ve found myself in this situation but I’m not complaining. If I get to do dumb crazy shenanigans with my crew, I’m ready for just about anything. Not to mention I’m no stranger to ghost hunting. I’m that kid that made DIY Ouija boards and took them to cemeteries with their terrified friends. You should’ve seen us leaving after capturing no ghostly activity - my friends relieved as fuck, and me pissed as fuck.

But today, I’m not expecting nor will I be accepting any disappointment. Especially not with Jess swearing on her Chanel purse that she wasn’t making things up when she said she had a haunted house she wanted us to visit. I must say, I appreciate this group’s enthusiasm when it comes to the paranormal. Never have I had someone who catches my vibe on the subject so well, let alone an entire gang all sharing the same opinion as me - that ghosts, demons and poltergeists are so fucking cool. Sure, Emily took a bit of convincing and Jess is not one to give a shit about the other world creatures invisible to the human eye, but something allegedly happened that changed her mind.

Her a-hundred-and-something-year-old great-grandmother passed away recently and though the death itself didn’t shake Jess up as much as it probably should’ve, the events that followed led to this moment right now - the eleven of us pooling out of two minivans that have pulled up to a terrifying looking house in a wooded are of the suburbs. Jess literally gathered us all on an ‘emergency meeting’ in the courtyard of our college just so she could explain the situation in detail - she doesn’t do well with explaining things in general, let alone when she’s hysterical - so we only understood what she was trying to say when she mentioned the word ‘ghost’. That’s when we all started listening more closely, with the exception of Emily, Beth and Sam but the latter two were intrigued despite trying yo hide it. You can only imagine how excited Josh, Chris and I were, Mike and Matt following a close second behind. Ash was a tiny bit more hesitant but Chris convinced her to give in. And just like that, a week later, here we are.

“I gotta ask, did your great-gran own a VHS player? Or a chest in the attic? Bonus points if there’s a creepy, child-sized doll in there.“ Josh asks as he yanks all the equipment he insisted we bring out of the trunk of the minivan.

“Quit fucking around, Josh! This is serious!“ Jess complains from the spot she’s standing in, shivering in the cold autumn breeze.

“Yeah, Josh! VHS players, creepy dolls, that’s all child’s play.“ I scold him as I pull on my jacket, wrapping it around me more tightly, “Shit gets serious when there’s a secret basement.“

“Y/N!“ Jess shrieks in exasperation. Honesty, how am I supposed to NOT bother her when doing the opposite is so much easier and brings more amusement? “You’re not helping!“

“Wasn’t trying to.“ I wink at her, driving her into a new level of fury that almost leads her to chuck her phone at me. If it weren’t such a prized possession of hers, I’m pretty sure she would’ve chucked it with the intention of knocking me dead. I’m lucky she has the aim of a drunk toddler that spun around fifteen times.

“Hey, quit pissing my girlfriend off, will ya?!“ Mike, who is basically halfway inside the trunk of the other van calls out to us.

I roll my eyes but choose to let it slide. However, someone else doesn’t. Emily does a dramatic turn on her heel, turning to face Mike, or at least the only part of him which is visible. You can imagine how hard it is arguing with an ass like THAT. I don’t know how Emily does it but oh well, I guess I do it too, in a way.

“So it’s girlfriend now, huh? No space between the words?“ Oh that smile she’s flashing him, it could make the Devil himself shiver. I find it kinda hot though - it means shit’s about to go down or hit the fan, either way, the rest of us will be entertained.

Mikey boy straightens up, gracing the rest of us by-standers with his dazzling features. Nah, I’m capping. I honestly think Mike is as attractive as I am patient - very little, almost not at all. It’s surprising how him and Jess are now apparently together since I always pegged her to be the superficial type.

“Got a problem with that, Em?“ He asks, eyebrow raising, head tilting to the side. Oh yeah, it’s on now. But, as someone who’s been quite excited to do some ghost hunting, and also as a representative of the peanut gallery formed of the rest of us who find it amusing and annoying, I feel the need to cut it short before it goes where it shouldn’t. I came to see some exorcist shit, not Keeping Up With The Bitter Exs.

“Jess, I sure hope your grandma is a blood-thirsty ghost cause I can think of at least two people I’d serve to her on a silver platter.“ I snatch the keys the blond has been jingling nervously between her fingers and jog up the stairs to the front door.

Ok I maybe overexaggerated the eeriness of the house. It sure wouldn’t sit right with you if you saw it around sunset or at night, especially not if it’s foggy, but a horror movie house it is most certainly isn’t. It’s pristine and well kept, not a single crack in the walls, the only reason it’s unsettling is because: 1) We’ve all seen a few too many horror movies; 2) There’s been reports of ‘ghostly activity’ - as far as Jess is to be trusted.

While I’m surfing through all the keys, checking each and every single one of them on the door because the real key is unmarked, I can’t help but overhear the conversation going on behind me on the porch.

“Can you believe we got all this in a single day and for a discount on top of all?! Whoever says Craigslist sucks isn’t doing it right.“ Chris’ enthusiasm over the deal him and Josh got on the ghost hunting equipment has been what’s keeping a wide grin on his face this whole time. Though I’m proud of my boys for not getting murdered by the Craigslist seller, I must say I hate that I lost the bet we had - I had to pay them each ten bucks if they didn’t get scammed/kidnapped/murdered and I’m now twenty bucks poorer. I’m not saying I value those twenty bucks more than my friends, though my broke ass needs all the bucks it has and all the dollar bills it could get, but Lord knows I hate losing.

“Yeah, and the guy was only mildly sketchy.“ Josh adds just as excitedly and proudly, “To be honest, Cochise and I were probably the scary looking ones in that parking lot.“

A look over my shoulder shows the twins, Sam, Matt and Ash giving the duo skeptical and somewhat disappointing looks and shakes of their heads. I’ll admit, the equipment is in very good condition and it’s the complete set for ghost-hunting, according to BuzzFeed at least. I’m impressed with the purchase - probably had something to do with how scary Chris and Josh actually look. The all-nighters we’ve all been pulling lately have taken a toll on them worst with the dark circles and bags under their hollow eyes, pale faces and brains turned to mush. I know I’d give them a discount to avoid them pulling out meat cleavers on me.

“That’s all fine and dandy guys, but do you know how to work any of this?“ Sam asks, hesitantly lifting the EMF reader and turning it in her hand, analyzing it with a curious gaze.

Josh and Chris exchange a look before the former replies, “Just the cameras and voice recorder, the rest falls on them.” He points a finger at me and laughs, “Though they aren’t able to work something as simple as keys, they are more than qualified to be a ghostbuster.”

“You know, Josh, jokes on you, I can work keys! Jess, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be able to work well with organizing things, hence my problem with these keys.“ I hurl the bunch of keys connected my a scarlet keychain at Josh, “Lemme demonstrate my true skills.“ I hop down the flight of stone stairs and approach the pile of equipment the guys have created smack-dab in the middle of the house’s driveway.

“Oh, I gotta see this!” Mr. Ex-Class-President all but runs over, frowning when we all turn to look at him just as I pick up the spirit box to show off how it works, “Oh that’s what you meant. So you aren’t taking your clothes off?“

Jess and I are alike in one thing - the need we feel to chuck objects at people who piss us off. “You’re girlfriend is, like, right behind you, Munroe. Have some decency!”

“I was gonna enjoy a show as well, but I’m guessing we won’t be getting one.“ The girlfriend in question replies, looking at me quizzically as though that’s gonna convince me into discarding my outfit.

“No, unless you’re a ghost.“ I point the device I’m holding at Mike, “But if your boyfriend here keeps acting up I might turn him into one.“

“That sounds kinda kinky.“ Beth’s comment surprises me. The wink she sends me even more so. “And I kinda like it.“

Ok, ok, ok, hold on.

Flirting with Munroe is one thing, but Beth is a completely different story. I can be threatening Mike with a knife one moment and cracking sex jokes with him over cold beer the next. While Beth actually has the ability to get me flustered and blushing, and my close relationship with her brother doesn’t help. Mother fucker can just whack me upside the head every time he catches me fussing over my silly crush on his sister.

“Ew, you too! Keep it in your pants or at least get a room.“ Emily doesn’t miss a beat when it comes to being herself. She’s truly a garbage bin full of treasure.

“We’d do the latter if SOMEONE could get the door open.” I glare daggers at Josh who is making hopeless attempts at what I was doing earlier - unlocking that damn door.

“I’d be more than happy to come through for you ladies.“ Mike says, getting in a stance of a runner before a race, his body directly opposite the door.

Oh I can’t wait to see where this is going. I SHOULD RECORD IT.

“Mike, it’s still breaking and entering and it’s still against the law even if the person’s dead.“ Sam points out, entering her mother-like mode, ruining the fun and causing me to pout at her. She gives me a look of disappointment - one worse than I’ve ever seen on my parents - so I just shut my trap before she can also express said disappointment through words and have me feeling guilty for the rest of the day.

A loud crash suddenly echoes causing us to turn our heads to look for the source of the terrifyingly startling sound. One glance is all it takes to put our minds at ease and a second one is enough to provoke different reactions in all of us - the broken window telling the story of where Josh has disappeared.

“What did I just say about breaking and entering?!“ Sam shouts after him while the vast majority of us are cracking up like hyaenas. Jess is just gaping at the broken window next to the front door in disbelief. She obviously can’t decide whether to join in on the fun or serve as back-up to Sam. Josh did technically damage private property that’s partially hers, but if you ask me it serves her right for not marking her keys.

“Sorry, I was too busy breaking the window to hear that part of the conversation!“ Josh’s apologetic smile appears on the other side of glassless frame. I can’t tell if he’s genuinely sorry or holding back laughter but either way, he looks innocent enough for Sam to let him off the hook as long as he doesn’t cause any more trouble - in which case: tough luck. Chris, Josh and I are nothing if not troublemakers, especially when we’re together. Chris tones it down when Ash’s around, and the same goes for Josh with Sam while I’m simply problematic regardless of who’s watching. My chaos is untamable, it’s a blessing and a curse and I love it, even though it’s landed me in hot water more than once. It’s nice to be around people on the same wavelength - chaos resides within this group and not a single one of us can hide it.

“At least we have a way in now.“ Ash offers Josh a helping hand in this argument after she recovers from the overwhelming fit of laughter. “I hope the broken window doesn’t anger your gran, Jess.“

The blond snaps out of her trance briefly, “No, she was a very sweet lady, but damn is Josh creative!” She hurries to correct herself, “Destructively creative.”

I hurry to correct her once again, “Chaotically creative.”

“Guys, do you mind coming in? It’s very creepy standing here alone!“ Josh calls out to us, looking over his shoulder at the interior of the house, “I’m expecting to be snatched and dragged to that secret basement we mentioned.“

“Mention it one more time and I swear to God-!“ Jess screams, fists tightened.

Before her angry wrath could crash atop us, we all make our way into the house through the broken window, carefully avoiding the shards of glass strewn about. One step inside and we’re met with the upmost of horror clichés - a drop in temperature. We’re all wearing thick hoodies because the weather outside is chilly in and of itself, but said hoodies aren’t as efficient at holding the house’s cold at bay and away from out skin.

Chris and Matt make their way in last, carrying the equipment consisting of three cameras, flashlights for everyone, an EMF reader, a spirit voice box, a voice recorder and a motion detector. I help them hand a light to each group member as well as a ghost-hunting device before we venture onward.

“If I were your grandma’s ghost, I’d be ten times more pissed about that window. It looks to me like that lady payed a lot of attention to keeping things in order.“ Matt comments while he examines the expensive looking painting hanging in the hallway.

I hear Emily scoff, “Unlike some.” but the remark is said so quickly and quietly I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who heard it.

Jess laughs, “She did like things in order, but she was never as strict as you might think. As I said, she was very sweet.“

“So do you just not take after her at all or were you adopted?“ Emily’s remarks are no longer a mumbled jumble of words, “No, nevermind, of course you’re not adopted. Your parents are smart people, they wouldn’t have chosen you if they had the chance.“

Jess laughs again, much more menacingly this time, causing me to exchange a look with Hannah who’s walking beside me. “Twenty bucks says one of them isn’t making it out of here.” It’s just a matter of time, to be honest. If not the lodge, or any party we’ve ever attended as a group, this haunted house is the perfect opportunity for a murder. We could even argue it was a ghost.

Luckily, the two cats clawing at each other’s throats don’t overhear, “No, my parents aren’t stupid, but your boyfriend clearly is. He chooses to date you! Or are you holding him captive or something.“

Ok that’s enough. I can tolerate a lot of things, but people calling one of my best friends stupid is not something I’m about to put up with, “How dare you call one of my hoes stupid?” I sneer at Jess, eyes narrowing.

“I thought I was your hoe too!“ She fights back, looking almost offended.

“Even more reason you shouldn’t have called him that! I don’t tolerate my hoes not respecting each other.“

I don’t get to see where this argument goes because Ashley’s shriek echoes throughout the hallway, stealing mine as well as the attention of everyone else.

“There’s a ghost in here!“ Making it to the doorway of the room she’s in first, I peak my head inside and see the EMF reader she’s holding going nuts as if it’s detected something.

“Don’t worry, Ash, there’s a dead cactus here. That’s not the ghost we’re looking for, is it?“ Chris, my amazingly bright friend says, quirking an eyebrow suggesting that remark was nothing short of dead-ass serious.

“Chris, darling, that’s not how it works. Cactuses are plants.“ I point out as sweetly as I can as to mask my laughter.

“Don’t the same ghostly rules apply?“ The genuine look of confusion he gives me almost makes me lose it.

“Ok children, leave the room, we need to set up a motion detector to be sure.“ Beth says with a tone that suggests she’s more than over our insanity. Jeez, count on her and Sam to start parenting us through our chaos. They are of high authority, must admit - one genuinely feels bad if they don’t comply to whatever these two girls demand.

We all pile out in the hallway while the twins set up this interesting motion detector with green dots. I don’t know what Jess’ granny looked like, but I bet that even the most unattractive of people would look hella good with this lighting. Thankfully the room is dark enough with the shutters closed and the curtains drawn, allowing the dots to be perfectly visible.

We stare at the minimalistic room littered with fluorescent green dots on every surface for maybe a minute or two but not much happens to the disappointment to some and relief to others. However, as if not wanting to let us down, the ghost makes a shy appearance if the shift of the green dots is anything to go by.

“Oh shit, is that a ghost?“ Chris whispers, sounding as amazed as I feel in this moment.

“It better be.“ I mutter in response, refusing to blink and risk missing anything important.

The sudden presence of the obnoxious noise of the spirit voice box makes us all jump. As I turn my head to glare at whoever’s using it, Josh speaks up. “Are you an attractive ghost?”

“Josh, that’s my great-grandmother, you ass!“ Jess barks with disgust in her voice.

In the meantime, I catch glimpse of Mike rolling up his sleeves. Oh shit, this ain’t good.

“I’ve been waiting for this!“ He shouts victoriously, cracking his knuckles.

Knowing this won’t end well, the first thing I do is snatch the camera from Chris’ hands and turn it on.

“Um, Mike, what do you mean?“ Sam’s back to being concerned, turning to the rest of us when Mike doesn’t give her a response, “What’s he gonna do?“

“Fight it.“ I answer as though it’s the most normal thing to ever have been done, “Or, ash he calls it - kick some ghost ass.“

“A freaking ghost?! He’s gonna try to tussle with something he can’t see?“ I can’t tell if Matt’s tone is disbelief, amusement or disappointment, but I believe he isn’t about to try and stop or dear ex-president in his pursuit and that’s all that matters. I ain’t about to let someone stop whatever’s about to go down from going down.

“That’s still my great-grandmother, you dumbass!“ Jess shrieks with something alike terror.

“Don’t worry Jess, I’m sure she’ll go easy on him.“ I say in an attempt to reassure her but I can’t even be bothered really, I’m too laser-focused on the circus that’s about to take place in front of me.

Mike, as if encouraged by my words, charges into the room. Much to his dismay, before he could even reach the ghost, he’s met with a much more vigorous enemy - the carpet. The rascal trips him up and Mr. Munroe falls flat on his face.

The group stays silent, looking at the glorious aftermath of the glorious fall. Told ya these lights could make everything fabulous. Must say, it’s truly an honor for me to have been able to catch all that on tape.

“10/10, would ghost-hunt with Mikey Munroe again.“

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duhragonball · 3 years

Note

I was thinking about Goku and Krillin's friendship and it occured to me that they spent months training with Roshi together but then only saw each other for maybe a day every few years. Have you ever had a realization that tripped you out like this?

This is a really good ask, anon, and I just wanted to take a moment to say so.

I have had a few ‘a-ha’ moments like these, but I’m kind of blanking on specific examples. I’ll see what I can come up with.

1) For openers, there’s the whole thing where the Red Ribbon Army has a Dragon Radar, but it’s nowhere near as sophisticated as the handheld one Bulma invented. I think the same holds true for Emperor Pilaf, but his gang is only three people. You’d expect the RRA to have the best equipment possible, because that’s their whole deal, and by normal standards they probably do have the best possible Dragon Radar... but Bulma’s is simply that much better, because she’s on another level. And it’s easy to overlook that, because Bulma’s supposed to be a genius teenager, like Donatello in TMNT, but the RRA’s Dragon Radar is the first hint that she’s even more special than we could have guessed.

2) Rewatching Dragon Ball in 2019, I gained a new appreciation for the filler episodes where Mr. Popo trained Goku. The first time I saw them, I was hoping we’d see Goku grow up and make progress over the three year gap, but instead they just focused on his early days on the Lookout, with Popo just saying things and Goku failing to understand. It was very frustrating to watch.

But in 2019, I noticed that all those episodes get paid off in the Piccolo Junior fight. Popo kept telling Goku to be “quicker than lightning” and “quiet as the sky”, and Goku just couldn’t figure out how to do that, let alone fight at the same time. He had to unlearn all the stuff that had helped him defeat King Piccolo, and he couldn’t do it... at first. But by the time he fought Piccolo Junior, he put it all together, as demonstrated with his big finishing move. Piccolo thought he had vaporized Goku, only for Goku to fly up into the air and crash into him. Why didn’t Piccolo sense Goku’s presence? Because Goku had learned to become as “quiet as the sky”. Why couldn’t Piccolo dodge it? Because Goku had learned to become “quicker than lightning.” So it vindicates those filler episodes pretty nicely. They weren’t just marking time, but they were setting up what the manga was going to do later.

3) I think last year, it hit me that Vegeta had probably never lost a fight before he went to Earth. That alone isn’t probably any big deduction. The only people stronger than him were all working for Frieza, and he knew to steer clear of them until he was ready. But it explains why he was so giddy about the zenkai effect. He had always known about it, but he never mentioned or cared about it until he experienced it for himself after losing to Goku, and then Zarbon.

Yeah, I think this occurred to me during a conversation about Vegeta killing Nappa instead of helping him. In theory, Nappa could have recovered and gotten a lot stronger, just like Vegeta did. But Saiyans Saga Vegeta didn’t care about that. He only gave his henchmen one chancemand discarded them as soon as they lost. This attitude would also explain why he never dared to challenge anyone at a higher level. He knew no one would show him any mercy, so the zenkai boost would have been meaningless to him.

So he might have regretted killing Nappa after he experienced the zenkai firsthand, although he was so drunk on his own increased power that he probably never stopped to consider it. But before Earth, Vegeta probably dismissed the zenkai as a crutch for lesser Saiyans. In his mind, a truly great Saiyan never loses battles in the first place. Or so he believed, until he lost a few times, and became stronger for it, and had to reconsider.

And that also explains how he warmed up to the Super Saiyan Legend over the course of one afternoon. He and Goku made such sick gains that week that he started to wonder if you could zenkai your way to Super Saiyan, and then he was begging Krillin to shoot him just so he could get a step closer.

4) In the same vein, it occurred to me at some point that Bardock was probably stronger than King Vegeta, and neither of them realized it. Maybe it was just a dub-ism, but I’m pretty sure “Father of Goku” has a line about Bardock’s power level being 10000. At the time it was released, 10k wasn’t that big a deal, but in the Saiyans Saga, Vegeta was somewhere around 18-24k. Later, he would claim to have surpassed his father as a child, so I think it’s fair to assume that King Vegeta must have been in that 10,000 neighborhood.

Which makes a nice subtle commentary on why the Saiyan Kingdom failed. They tried to breed better warriors, putting all their stock in the royal family, when the true secret lay in warriors like Bardock, who were constantly getting clobbered and healed. Prince Vegeta only started to make real progress once he began fighting on that same regimen.

5) Also about “Father of Goku,” Frieza only wanted Planet Kanassa subjugated because of the psychic powers of its inhabitants. I think the dub insinuated that the planet itself gave people those powers, but whatever the case, Frieza heard about these people with unusual powers and wanted them stamped out immediately. Just like he wiped out the Saiyans over the Super Saiyan Legend, and just like he planned to destroy Namek to prevent anyone else from using the Dragon Balls.

In short, Frieza fears and despises legends. Why? Because he’s so powerful that real people can’t hurt him, so his fears naturally turn to half-truths and folklore. He chases down ghost stories and rumors, because let’s face it, what else does he have to occupy his time. That’s why King Cold was happy to have the Saiyans working for him, while Frieza wanted them all dead. Cold didn’t share Frieza’s hangups. Cold barely knew what a Super Saiyan was, while Frieza thought about it all the time.

6) One day I thought about that timeline where Cell killed Trunks and took the time machine to find the androids. That specific timeline is pretty much empty. The Z-fighters are all dead, and so are all of the androids and Trunks. They don’t even have a Cell anymore because he went back in time and never returned. There’s still a population, I guess, because the Trunks of that world wouldn’t have just stood by while Cell absorbed everyone on Earth, but that’s about it. Bulma might have survived Cell’s attack on Trunks, but she’d be the only “name” character on the board. It just sounds like a pretty depressing world. Maybe this was the timeline Whis picked out to relocate Blunks and Future Mai in Dragon Ball Super.

7) It sort of blows my mind that the entire Majin Buu arc takes place over a couple of days. Like, episode 207 through 250 all takes place over one day. We know this because Goku only had 24 hours to be back in the living world, and that time was cut short by his use of SSJ3. Then the Elder Kai started doing his ritual to make Gohan stronger, and that took like 25 hours, I’m pretty sure. That wrapped up in #262, and there was no break in the action from that point onward, all the way up to the defeat of Kid Buu in #287. So yeah, eighty episodes over two days. It’s practically real-time footage, save for skipping over the Elder Kai’s ritual and Goten and Trunks practicing and sleeping.

It’s hard to catch on to this, though, because so much stuff happens in the anime version that leads you to think that it’s a much longer span of time. After Vegeta wrecks the stadium, the anime can’t decide whether or not Mr. Satan would stay there or return to his dojo. In the Fusion Saga, Mr. Satan wanders from Buu’s house to the nearest town, then he wanders to the next town over, doing his “Last Man on Earth” bit, except this all happens during the Gotenks/Super Buu fight, which barely lasts half an hour. In the afterlife, Chi-Chi is worried that she can’t find Gohan, but she wouldn’t have even been there that long, and wouldn’t she still be in line to meet King Yemma? She was one of the last Earthlings to die, so how did she end up in heaven so quickly?

8) I used to think Movie 13 (the Hirudegarn one) was canon, but the last time I watched it, I noticed all these glaring problems. They use the Dragon Balls in this one, which means it has to be set six months after the wish to make everyone forget about Majin Buum which means it’s been a year since Kid Buu was defeated. Okay, fine, except Gohan and Videl are still in high school. Shouldn’t they have graduated by then?

More importantly, their high school and Bulma’s house seem to be in the same city. I guess that’s an easy mistake to make. It took me a long time to even notice, but Orange Star High is in Satan City, which is a totally different place from West City. I mean, right? They’re not terribly far apart, but they’re not the same place either.

Then again, they seemed to make the same error in Episode 287, where Bulma’s out shopping and Great Saiyaman 1 and 2 foil a robbery. Are they in West City or Satan City? Maybe there’s more to this...

#ask duhragonball #dragon ball #Anonymous

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apenapaperandadoofus · 3 years

Text

Imaginary (Jumin x MC)

Chapter one here!

(Also to explain something! Both Bada and Eun are random characters I made up, I like to think that the island was already inhabited by some people, and that Jumin’s father bought part of it, in Saeran’s Normal End, he and MC talk about how the locals are all nice and stuff, so I wanted to add something like this here :D, OH AND! These are the sort of edited chapters, I will post the fully edited ones in AO3!)

AND feedback is greatly appreciated! Sorry if this one was kinda short! Next chapter we WILL get some cute kiddo Jumin, I promise :P

Chapter 2

In the end you weren’t able to find the ghost. That week your mother had been leaving you with heavy amounts of homework, and you hadn’t been able to go outside since by the time you finished it was always too dark, and your mother was home. You were also tired from the amount of history dates and math formulas you had to learn. Your mother wasn’t going to let you fall behind all of your classmates, but she also took it a bit too far and made you study things that even they hadn’t even seen yet.

Thus, your search for the ghost was cancelled. You weren’t able to see Bada and Eun either, which sucked since their food was so delicious last time, and you really wanted some more. In the meantime though, you spent your days reading about ghosts, and how to capture them or see them.

You wanted so badly to find the ghost! But you didn’t have the time. The thing that made it worse was that you were sure there was someone there, you always saw a small shadow by the windows, but as soon as you tried to get closer, it disappeared.

One night, you laid in your bed, unable to sleep and thinking about the ghost. It was about 11pm, your mother was already sleeping and you were sure everyone on the island was too. It made you feel weird, thinking that maybe you were the only one awake. Still, you decided to do something.

Soemthing reckless.

Slowly, very, very slowly, you got out of your bed and put on some shoes that you had in your closet. Then, you grabbed your favorite sweater, and gently opened the sliding door in your room, that led to a little porch. You tiptoed and went down the stairs, quickly running towards the enormous mansion. It was way closer than you had actually thought, and you saw a fence that probably led to the backyard. The fence was tall, no way you could’ve climbed that thing.

But that wasn’t going to stop you.

Somehow you managed to get on top of the fence. It was pretty tall, but you found that if you climbed a tree, and then jumped off from there to the fence, maybe it could work.

It- it didn’t.

Well it did, but you landed on your face and you tried your best to hold back a cry. Still, not wanting to give up, you slowly stood up and walked into the garden.

You were trembling, afraid of the dark, and you were about to reach for your flashlight when you realized...that you hadn’t brought your flashlight.

Welp, you’re dead now, I guess.

You mentally slapped yourself and gulped. There was no one around, and who knows when an opportunity like this might come again? But at the same time, it was way too dark, and you were going to be looking for ghosts. That was way too scary, especially without a flashlight. Then, an idea popped into your head. How about, you go running to your house, quickly grab the flashlight and then come back? You were pretty fast, and you were sure the ghosts couldn’t have noticed your presence yet.

You quickly turned around to go, open the fence door and race to your home, when you heard some footsteps behind you. And you froze.

“Who are you?” A voice said. It sounded like it belonged to a boy, but you didn’t want to find out if that was true or not, and you didn’t even turn around as you let out a small scream. You quickly ran towards the door, struggling a bit to open it.

Fuck it was stuck.

You pushed and pushed, the sound of footsteps coming closer towards you, and a different deeper voice coming from inside the house. Finally, the door bulged and opened, and you took your chance to run away. You didn’t stop until you were safe, under your covers and with all your plushies surrounding you.

That was scary as fuck.

You weren’t able to sleep that night.

When your mother woke you up at 6am, you stared up groggily at her, and she scolded you about staying up late, and that no matter how tired you were, she wanted to see all your work done when she came home.

You of course, decided to leave at lunch time to go and talk with Eun and Bada. You hadn’t seen them in a while and you were actually pretty hungry, the only thing that your mother had left you was another container filled with spaghetti and you were honestly tired of eating it for both lunch and dinner four days in a row.

So, you took your leave and followed the little path towards the village, this time stopping to admire the whole place. The village was up on some mountains, so you were able to see the sea from up above. You could see some men in boats, carrying heavy bags filled with fish, and women with scuba diving equipment coming out of the water. Then, when you looked up towards the other mountain, you saw what looked like a temple. It was red and huge, and you made a mental note to ask both Eun and Bada about it.

Finally, you made it to their house, and you were about to knock on the door, when Bada suddenly opened it.

She was going to say something when she looked down at you and you gave her a big smile.

“Well look who’s back! If it isn’t our little explorer. Found anything interesting these past few days?” She asked, as she motioned for you to come inside. You replied to Bada that, yes you had actually found some very interesting things, but before she could reply Eun came out from the shower, her hair dripping wet, and singing some really catchy song in another language. Then she stopped, looked at you and squealed, running over and giving you a tight hug.

“Hey Y/N! How’s your little ghost adventure going? Come come, we were about to have some lunch, you came at the perfect time! Oh sir here! And tell me everything about it, I don’t want you to skip over any detail.” She gently shoved you into a chair and then gave you a plate full of some Korean dish you didn’t really know the name of, but looked absolutely delicious.

As the two women sat down in front of you, you explained your adventure with the ghost yesterday.

“There was really someone there! He even talked to me!” You said.

Eun raised and eyebrow and gave you a quizzical smile. “Really? Do you have any proof?”

You quickly stopped and became quiet. Dammit!

“I...I don’t have any yet! But, there really was someone there! Seriously! I just...I forgot to bring my camera....” you confessed.

“Well there you go! You need evidence if you want to convince us you know?”

“You mean convince you. I believe in ghost and I think it’s probable that Y/N saw one.” Badda said, as she glared at Eun.

“Ah Bada seriously! Listen kiddo, I will admit that ghosts are real if I actually get to see one. If you manage to give me evidence I’ll believe you, but for now you don’t have any proof.”

“I will get some! You’ll see!” You confidently said.

The rest of the evening passed by quickly, as Bada explained about the temple up in the mountain. Appears you it was a temple that was able to grant each person one wish.

After wards you thanked them for the food and then you quickly looked at your watch and let out a little yelp. “Oops! I have to go now! Thank you for the food, it was great!”

“Wait Y/N, what about my book? Have you-”

“BYE BADA!” You quickly said and left the house in a hurry before Bada could finish her sentence.

You could hear her grumbling and Eun laughing from the other side of the door and you smiled.

You were going to get that evidence!

You quickly went home, and then started working on your homework.

......

That day, as you stared at your blank notebook while sitting on your desk, you went through the events that had happened last night.

There was certainly a ghost there, maybe even two, since you had heard two people talking. The ghost knew you were already there though, and that would make things hard. So you decided to make up a plan to show Eun and Bada that you were telling the truth. You quickly grabbed your pencil and took off a blank page from your notebook.

Ghost hunting plan:

You wrote, and then you bit the end of your pencil as you thought about what to do.

First of all, you had to bring a flashlight. That was one of the things that was the most important. You weren’t going to deal with two ghosts, in the dark.

Second, you had to bring your camera. That was on the top of the priority list too, since you did need it to take a picture of the ghost.

Still...you were pretty shaken up from yesterday and you didn’t want to be completely alone.

What if you brought one of your favorite toys? No that would make the whole process of climbing the fence harder....and if you were to bring something else, it definetly had to be that book about ghosts. Somewhere in there had to be some sort of ritual or spell or something, that would protect you from ghosts. So you decided to bring it!

And hell, to do it that same night!

Satisfied with your plan, and now a bit more confident with everything, you started doing the homework you mother had left you. Normally you would leave it and do it at the last moment, but today you were inspired and you had to have everything ready for the ghost hunting trip!

When your mother came home she immediatly went to bed, taking your work and locking her door. You then did your normal bedtime routine, washing the dishes, brushing your teeth and taking a warm shower. But then, instead of going to sleep, you sat on your bed with the book in your hands, and you counted down till your mother was asleep.

It was about 10pm, you could hear your mother snoring al the way from her room, and you slowly stood up and grabbed your sweater, some sneakers, the flashlight, the camera and the book. Of course you couldn’t hold everything at once, so the book was in a tiny backpack, and the camera was hanging from your neck. Alright! You were now ready!

Slowly, you opened the sliding doors, and tiptoed out of the porch. You turned on your flashlight and began walking towards the mansion, your camera ready. The lens cap protector thing, was off, and you had night vision on, so you were pretty good!

You finally made it towards the fence, and managed to climb it, this time without falling flat on your face. You gave a little victory dance as you looked around the garden.

It was...really beautiful.

The garden was filled with all kinds of flowers, purple, yellow, red, blue, and there were the bushes you had always heard about! One was in the shape of an elephant, the other one was in the shape of a horse and on and on. In the center of the garden, there was a huge fountain, that was turned off at the moment, which was a bit disappointing. There was also a stone path, that went all around the garden and then probably led somewhere inside the house.

You stood there for a bit, admiring the view. Yesterday was so dark, and you were so scared that you hadn’t been able to see anything. But tonight the moon was out, shining brightly and illuminating everything in front of you. It was beautiful.

Then, you heard some footsteps, and you quickly hid behind a bush. That’s right, you were here looking for a ghost, not to gape at that wonderful garden!

Dammit Y/N, pull yourself together! You thought, as you tried to figure out where the footsteps were coming from. You cowered a bit as they came closer and closer, almost in front of you. You slowly peeked from behind the bush, and saw a silhouette.

A boys silhouette to be more precise. He looked to be around your age, and he was wearing blue stripped pijamas, his hair all messy on top of his head. It was clear he had just woken up, and was looking for something...or for someone.

You.

Drat! You thought. The ghost of the little boy already knew you were going to come back again! Maybe you should have waited a few days before coming back, but you were just so impatient.

Anyway, you had to make up a plan. You had left the fence door open in case you needed to make an impromptu escape, and you gave yourself a pat in the back for thinking that far ahead. What you had to do now, was to take a picture of the ghost. Slowly, very,very slowly you raised your camera to get a picture of the ghost.

He had his back to you, the moonlight shining behind him, giving him a very paranormal aura. Still, for some reason the lense wouldn’t focus, so you decided to move forward a bit to get a better look. Sadly, you miscalculated and you accidentally stepped on a dry leaf, making the ghost turn around in your direction, his face filled with worry but at the same time, confidence.

Then you stopped.

Damn he was cute.

You hadn’t seen his face till now, and you were taken aback by it. He was definetly a very good looking boy, one the girls in your class might go all crazy about. Never in your life had you felt something like you were feeling now. Could it be....love at first sight?

No! He’s a ghost, I can’t fall in love with a ghost, how would that even work?! You scolded yourself. Still, you didn’t stop your staring at the boy. Thankfully he hadn’t seemed to notice you were there, and before you could even think about it, you pressed the camera button and a loud CLICK was heard through the bushes.

And then a bright light came on.

You forgot to turn off the flash.

The boy let out a surprised gasp, and called out, but before he could once again catch you, you quickly got up and ran away from the place. You heard the footsteps following behind you, but you were faster and a few minutes later you didn’t hear anything else, and you slowed your pace.

That was close.

You triumphantly smiled as you looked through the pictures on your camera. Granted they weren’t super high quality, but you could make out the boys silhouette.

Hehe, now to become a millionaire! You celebrated. You sneaked back into your room and placed your camera and flashlight on your desk. Then you were going to grab your paranormal book from your backpack when...you didn’t find anything.

What?

You turned your backpack upside down and staked it as hard as possible, but still nothing would come out.

Bada’s book.

Oh no.

If Bada found out you lost her book, you wouldn’t be able to have lunch at her home ever again! And you would loose the only...friends (?) you had in this island. You couldn’t allow that! You always had to return what you borrowed, that was one thing your mother would always say, and this time she was right! After all, Bada lent you soemthing really important to her, and you couldn’t bear to think about coming back to her home empty handed.

Still...you weren’t going to go back into the house. It was way to dark now, you were sleepy and you were sure the ghost was porbably waiting in the garden, somewhere.

What to do, what to do? You asked yourself as you put on your pijamas and laid in bed.

It must have fallen off somewhere along the way, you thought, so maybe you wouldn’t have to go into the garden after all.

Then you got it!

What if, tomorrow morning you went into the garden? There weren’t going to be any ghosts since it was daytime, you reasoned, and it would be way easier to find the book. After all, there would be no one around the mansion to scold you, or to tell you to leave! It was the perfect plan!

You tucked yourself into bed and looked up confidently at the ceiling. You were going to get that book!

#mystic messenger #jumin han #jumin fluff #jumin x reader #jumin fanfic #jumin smut #jumin angst #jumin x mc #mysme #saeyoung choi #saeran choi #yoosung kim #jaehee kang #jihyun mysme #choi bois #mysme zen

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ladylynse · 4 years

Text

The Trouble with Ghosts: Lancer hadn’t realized how closely young Mr. Fenton’s school troubles–and the secrets he surely wasn’t telling his parents–were tied to ghosts until after that encounter with Phantom.

<< < Part XIII [FF | AO3]

-|-

“We’re going to do everything we can to help you,” Maddie said, her voice a fierce whisper that Lancer could hear from the doorway.

Their support was a relief. He’d begun to doubt himself, but it seemed his impressions of the Fentons were correct after all. Well. They had just insisted that they loved their children more than they loved their work, and he had rather deserved that.

And then Maddie added, “We’ll find a way to fix this.”

Lancer saw Danny’s shoulders tense. Far from melting into the family hug now, he looked trapped in it. He was still, frozen, even as he croaked out, “What do you mean?”

“Whatever happened to you,” Maddie continued. She was the first to pull back and get a better look at her son and his clearly unexpected reaction, but Jack followed, and Lancer saw a frown on his face that mirrored his wife’s.

Danny shuffled away from them, moving to the far side of the bed. “I don’t need fixing,” he cried, and his voice broke on the word. “I’m not…. I’m not….”

“He’s not broken,” Valerie stepped in, her voice hard. She was making no effort to disguise her anger or her disgust. “How can you guys even think that?”

Maddie blinked. “We didn’t—”

“Phantom’s not some separate entity,” Valerie cut in. “Whether you like it or not, Phantom is Danny and Danny is Phantom, and if you don’t want to accept that right now, leave him alone until you do.”

“I think you misunderstand—” started Jack.

“I’m not misunderstanding anything,” snapped Valerie. She hadn’t moved towards them, but her hands were balled into fists, and Lancer could see her trembling from the effort to stay still. “I haven’t since I found out the truth. Key words being the truth. I can’t believe you guys. I thought you were better than this! I told Danny you were better than this!”

Danny pulled his knees to his chest and huddled, saying nothing even as tears streaked down his cheeks for a very different reason than they had a moment ago.

Perhaps forcing this conversation had not been as wise as Lancer had thought.

He couldn’t undo the damage he’d done, but he could do his best to mitigate it and keep it from getting any worse. This had been his folly. He’d let Valerie try to talk to Danny, perhaps come to some terms that he could give to the Fentons. The complications in Danny’s home situation were on Lancer’s head now, and if the boy—very understandably—didn’t wish to live with his parents, then Lancer felt responsible for finding alternative accommodations. Perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Foley wouldn’t mind putting the boy up for a few days, just until he had a chance to sort something out….

No. He mustn’t keep jumping to conclusions. There might be a way to salvage this yet.

Lancer put the tray on top of the dresser with enough force that the silverware jostled and clinked, successfully drawing everyone’s attention away from poor Danny. If he talked this over with the boy’s parents, he might be able to find a way to smooth things over. “Mr. and Mrs. Fenton, if you would join me in the living room—”

“No.” Maddie got to her feet and stood beside her husband. He slipped an arm around her, holding her close without forcing her to lean on him. “Danny, this isn’t about you and Phantom—”

“Him being Phantom, you mean?”

Valerie’s words were a sneer, but Lancer couldn’t find it in him to chastise her.

“Yes. That is what I mean. Thank you.” Maddie turned from Valerie’s surprised face to her son, who was now hiding his own face in his arms. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I misspoke. I don’t mean that we need to fix who you are. I meant that we’d help you fix whatever is currently the problem. There must be something, surely. I’ve never seen Phantom injured for so long.”

Danny sniffed and lifted his head before whispering, “Really?”

“Really.” Maddie crawled across the bed to her son and put a tentative hand on his arm. When he made no effort to shy away from her, she clutched him in a tight embrace. “Please tell us as much as you can about what happened to cause this. We’ll do whatever we can to help.”

Lancer didn’t have a clear view of Danny’s face, but he knew the hesitation in answering for what it was.

Apparently, so did Valerie. “It’s my fault,” she said into the silence. “Partially, anyway. I…. I shot him before I knew the truth.”

Jack frowned. “You shot him? I don’t remember selling you any weapons, and I don’t think your dad would’ve signed the release forms. You didn’t borrow a prototype when we weren’t looking, did you?”

He was trying to sound disapproving, but even Lancer could hear a bit of surprised pride coming through.

Jack Fenton thought he was looking at the next generation of ghost hunters, eager up-and-comers, and didn’t realize how much more there was to this story.

Lancer knew that feeling. That ignorance. That sense of ‘surely this is all there is to it’, moments before the truth took another horrific twist.

“I didn’t need to.” Valerie’s voice was still sharp with anger, but Lancer suspected a good deal of it was directed at herself now, given the change in topic. “I’m the Hunter. The Red Huntress. And Dad knows. He just…doesn’t approve, because he thinks I’m going to hurt myself.” Valerie blinked rapidly, and then the rest of her words burst out in a torrent. “Instead, I hurt one of my friends, and now I need to do what I can to fix this, just like you, only it’s not nearly as easy as you think it is, because you don’t know the half of it, because Mr. Masters—”

“Vladdy? But he hasn’t hunted ghosts in years!”

“He hasn’t since our college days,” Maddie added.

There had been no disbelief on their faces when Valerie had revealed herself as the Red Huntress. No sign of disapproval. No stab of concern for her wellbeing, or at least none that showed, not like he was sure his had when he’d found out. Were they still in shock after finding out about their son or were they not worried because of the skill she’d repeatedly displayed?

Teenager or not, Lancer still thought her a child, and he didn’t like the idea of children in danger. That being said, if it were a choice between him and either of the children in this room to defend them all against ghosts, he would not be anyone’s first choice. He wasn’t sure any of the adults here would be anyone’s first choice, not when it came down to skill alone.

He didn’t have to like the idea of something to recognize talent and honed skill when he saw it, and perhaps that was simply the stage the Fentons were already at.

Perhaps they saw Miss Gray as a fellow ghost hunter, with a skill to rival theirs despite her age.

Or perhaps they also didn’t want to think about the fact that this town was being protected from ghosts by children as much—more—than it was by any adult.

Or perhaps they were simply too caught up on the last words to come out of her mouth to fully comprehend the first ones. It wasn’t a particularly pleasant thought—if Vlad was a friend from their college years and they’d fallen out of touch, only to reconnect relatively recently, they could hardly claim to still know him so well—but Lancer had seen deliberate avoidance of a subject before. It was entirely too easy to focus on a simpler, more easily defendable topic than to wade through treacherous waters that could inevitably lead to the inability to deny one’s own wrongdoing.

He was guilty of it himself.

Admittedly, that was only slightly less difficult than actively working towards correcting his actions.

Considering that this situation was hardly under his control any longer, he wasn’t sure that what he was doing now really counted towards making amends for some of his earlier blindness where young Mr. Fenton and Miss Gray were concerned. Not that he was really in a position to measure that; it wasn’t something that could be measured, and if it were, it would be by their judgement, not his. Like Mr. and Mrs. Fenton, he needed to make a substantial effort to help now, since the help that had been needed in the past had gone unoffered.

In the stretching silence, Valerie pointedly turned her gaze towards Danny. “Um,” Danny started, eloquent as ever, “Vlad never, ah, gave up the ghost when it came to this kind of thing.”

“More to the point,” Valerie added when it was clear Danny would not elaborate further, “Mr. Masters is actively researching ghosts, hunting them, and equipping me, and he’s the only one who knows exactly what Danny got hit with.”

“Then we’ll just explain the situation to him—”

“It gets worse,” Valerie said, bluntly overriding Maddie’s words. “Mr. Masters knows exactly what he’s doing because he’s like Danny. He knows about Danny, and he was still happy to fight him one-on-one and to pit me against him. Even you guys have to know how messed up that is.”

In the stunned silence that followed, instinctive protests dying on unsure lips, Lancer couldn’t have been the only one to hear his front door open. He certainly wasn’t the only one to hear it slam shut. And then— “Oh, no, a ghost! Mom, Dad, I saw a ghost outside!”

That was, quite unmistakably, Jazz Fenton.

Lancer wasn’t surprised that she’d come in unannounced; in addition to relaying Danny’s message, he’d given her his address and asked her to come by as soon as she could. No, he was surprised that it sounded like she was trying to get her parents out of the way.

Again.

Her tone wasn’t especially convincing to Lancer’s ears—it lacked any real fear—and Danny made no effort to hide his wince, but despite what Jack and Maddie now knew about their son’s circumstances, they still exchanged looks. “I’ll check it out,” Jack murmured in a quieter tone than Lancer had ever heard from the man. “Might be a real threat.” Then, in his usual boisterous tone, he boomed, “Don’t worry, Jazzerincess, I’ll make sure we’re safe!”

Jack thundered out of the room, and Jazz appeared in the doorway seconds later, backtracking along her father’s path.

Now that Lancer knew to watch for any of this, he didn’t miss how Jazz’s eyebrows climbed when she spotted Valerie, even if she schooled her surprise almost immediately.

The message he’d left on her phone hadn’t contained anything remotely close to everything, but clearly he needn’t have worried about that.

“Are you okay, little brother?”

“I’m okay.” Then, perhaps seeing the doubt that Jazz was making no effort to hide, Danny repeated, “Really. I’m okay. They…they know.”

Jazz blinked before her eyes darted around the room.

“All of them,” Danny added as Jazz’s eyes met his again, and then she smiled.

“Good. That makes this a lot easier.” She dropped down onto the bed and reached over to hug her mother and brother. “I’m glad you decided to tell them.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t give him much choice,” Lancer said as the family pulled apart. He didn’t want to interrupt their lovely family moment, but there were some rather pressing matters to attend to. “It became increasingly clear that even if young Mr. Fenton is not in any immediate danger, he is far from out of it.”

“I don’t think any of us are exactly wandering around free of danger,” Valerie pointed out. “This is Amity Park. Even if we weren’t the ones out hunting ghosts, there’s still a good chance we’d be caught in an attack.”

“You know what I mean, Miss Gray.”

She grimaced. “Yeah, I do. Look, Mrs. Fenton,” she said, turning her attention away from Lancer again, “Mr. Masters really isn’t who you think he is. He’s definitely not who I thought he was, so you can’t think of him like your old college friend. Because he’s not. And even if he thinks that this—” she waved a hand at Danny “—isn’t actively hurting Danny and that makes it better somehow, his thinking is still messed up.”

Lancer watched Maddie open her mouth, look at her son, and close it again, and he had a feeling that he knew what she was feeling.

“Vlad’s known that I was Phantom since that reunion,” Danny said quietly, “and he hasn’t, um, always exactly shied away from almost killing me. Or Jazz.”

Jazz shivered. “I think I’ll take a gladiator-style fight over almost being blasted by a death ray with no warning, thanks.”

“What?”

The question burst out of him at the same time it did Maddie and Valerie, and Danny actually smirked. Smirked. As if it were comical.

Gallows humour, Lancer supposed, but still. It hadn’t sounded like the situations Jazz spoke of were exactly theoretical, and situations such as she’d mentioned should be theoretical. Death rays? Gladiator-style fights? This was Amity Park, not…not….

“To be fair, the last one was Spectra’s doing,” Danny said. “Don’t hire her ever again, okay, Mr. Lancer? She might be able to pass as a human sometimes, but she’s a ghost that feeds off negative emotions, and Bertrand will shapeshift into whatever he needs to be to help her.”

Lancer swallowed.

Valerie looked queasy.

Maddie looked like she’d taken a punch to the gut.

Every time he thought he knew the story, there was more to it. And he was told just enough of it to realize that there was so much more being left unsaid, all because it wasn’t deemed relevant to their current situation. He could understand not knowing himself, could understand Valerie, but Maddie and Jack must feel it worse than he ever had, being closer to the situation themselves. Being as involved in it as they were. And now, with Vlad—

The all-too-familiar sound of the Fenton Bazooka discharging reached Lancer’s ears, followed by Jack Fenton’s familiar yells and threats.

Danny stared at his sister even as his mother untangled herself and ran out of the room, presumably to join her husband outside. “I thought you were lying about seeing a ghost. My ghost sense never went off.”

“I was,” Jazz said, biting her lip. “I didn’t know you’d told them.”

Valerie, who had darted to the window, let out a curse that would have earned her detention if she’d been on school grounds. “We need to get outside. I don’t see anyone really powerful, but it still looks like we’re surrounded. They’re covering themselves well enough.”

“But your sensors—”

“Obviously aren’t working,” she snapped at Danny, unable to control the note of panic in her voice. “If they were, my watch would’ve gone off, like it always does.”

“But wasn’t it working earlier? Isn’t that why you found me?”

Valerie’s suit suddenly appeared, closing itself over her and hiding her grim expression. “Yeah. It was.”

Her voice sounded as clear as ever. Whether due to the nature of the technology or some built-in speakers, her suit didn’t muffle her voice at all. He should have recognized it long ago, just as he should have recognized Phantom’s.

In truth, though, thinking about that was merely a distraction from thinking about the fact that her suit had just enclosed her without any visible prompting, without any visible technology as a starting point.

Of course, the fact that he didn’t have the time to speculate about any of this was a decent justification for ignoring those disturbing implications for now.

This time, as Valerie ran out of the room, Danny was the one to let out a curse that earned him an admonishment from Jazz with a not-so-subtle glance in his direction. Danny rolled his eyes and untangled himself from the covers as he said, “That means Vlad knows, Jazz. Maybe not everything, but enough. Like the fact that Valerie isn’t going to shoot me. And probably the fact that he can’t hold my secret over me as leverage.” He grabbed the net gun from the bedside table and was on his feet before his sister could stop him.

Lancer’s home was about to become ground zero for a ghost fight, and he wasn’t sure he could feel more ill-prepared for it, even if he did have a Fenton Thermos with him.

Jazz got to her feet as Danny headed down the hall, willfully oblivious of her glare. “He’s just going to make himself worse,” she muttered, and Lancer couldn’t help but agree.

“Can you think of a way to convince him to stay out of this?”

A snort. “Short of knocking him out, no, but I don’t want to the ghosts’ job for them.” She looked him up and down, then asked, “Do you want an offensive weapon? I’ve got more than one Fenton Lipstick on me.”

Oh, for The Fellowship of the Ring, she must already be carrying weapons around the school. Disguised as makeup, no less. True, he’d once thought that Danny might be the one carrying that particular weapon around due to its small size, at least until he’d realized that Danny wasn’t simply helping Phantom, but Jazz wouldn’t even be questioned about it.

He was going to have to pretend she’d never made that offer. This would hardly be the first day she’d have had such a weapon on her, and there hadn’t been any incidents. She was responsible. He could turn a blind eye to this, just as he had to other stuff in the past.

If something happened, though, and it got out that he’d known, that he’d even had an inkling, he’d lose his job, and no doubt all his savings trying to deal with the fallout—

“I don’t think that would be wise,” he said. “I’ve hardly acquired the necessary aim and precision to use such a weapon effectively.”

“You’ve seen my dad in a ghost fight, right?”

Lancer winced.

“Yeah, I used to not be much better until I practiced, but that unpredictability isn’t always a bad thing. The key is just to avoid hitting Danny. With anything. Including the thermos beam.”

Lancer unclipped the thermos from his belt and held it out to her. “Would you care to do the honours?” She was no doubt far more practiced with it than him. He’d used it as a prop in his model train set far more often than for its actual purpose.

She shook her head. “You’d better have something to defend yourself. Valerie didn’t exactly sound confident. Even if she didn’t think there were any strong ghosts out there, they’ve got numbers on their side. Not to mention all their powers.”

The Red Huntress lacking confidence in their chances wasn’t a comforting thought, considering Lancer was still paying off his mortgage. He could hardly afford all the repairs he’d need to do if this attack got messy. Of course, scrambling to find the money to rebuild was infinitely preferable to losing something that couldn’t be replaced, and he was all too aware of how lucky Amity Park had been on that front.

He had never felt particularly lucky, but that was only when he was taking stock of all the injuries, of all the damage, of all the hard work and healing that lay ahead.

He did, however, feel incredibly thankful that Amity Park had always had that opportunity, that nothing had ever been…permanent.

Were this to become the last day he fought, at least he would be trying to do some good. He was under no illusion that he wouldn’t be swiftly forgotten. He could be replaced far more easily than anyone else who’d stood in this room moments ago, and it was all too likely that his replacement would be one of his betters—providing Casper High could pay anyone enough for the job, though in truth they’d merely promote one of their existing staff; Falluca wouldn’t turn it down, he was sure—and aim to fill a lower-paying position….

“Mr. Lancer, aren’t you coming?”

From the way Jazz was looking at him, it was not the first time she’d called his name.

“Yes,” he said, holding the thermos in both hands and trying to keep the tremors from showing. “Yes, I am.”

He must.

XXXXX

Danny stepped outside looking like Fenton, not Phantom. If these ghosts tried to drag him off, it was better to make it look like it was an actual kidnapping attempt for when they managed to link it back to Vlad.

Not that these were Vlad’s best. Danny could see the three vultures circling overhead, an ectopus or five lurking in the shadows, but no Skulker. No Technus, unless he was in the power lines, which frankly was entirely possible. Of course, by that reckoning, there could be a lot more ghosts. A lot more invisible ghosts, since anyone smart would’ve made themselves a harder target to find the moment Valerie got out here. Vlad could’ve even sent a clone or two, and Danny would have no idea.

Depressed powers. Depressed ghost sense. It figured he wouldn’t get warning. He’d just counted on the fact that Valerie would get warning, so he hadn’t let it bother him too much once she’d turned up and decided not to shoot him.

How closely must Vlad have been tracking her to realize she’d found out the truth and decided to ally with Danny?

What if Vlad actually was here and had decided to leave a clone to deal with all that mayoral stuff he was supposed to be busy with?

Nah, that was too dangerous. If he got beaten here and lost his concentration, he’d risk the mayor disappearing in front of someone, and that would invite questions. Vlad had the snake oil sell down pat, but he didn’t want people poking their noses into his business.

And, well, he didn’t like getting his hands dirty. He much preferred letting other people—ghosts, more likely than not—do that for him. He got to pretend to take the moral high ground, wreathed in plausible deniability, and—

“Keep moving, Danno,” Jack called, reaching out to pull Danny off to the side as a streak of light shot forward and scorched the cement step where he’d been standing. “Moving targets are harder to hit.”

Oh, the irony of hearing that advice from him.

Still, that ectoblast had come from a ghost Danny hadn’t seen, which meant there was at least one invisible ghost lurking around, and they knew perfectly well he couldn’t sense them. He squinted against the sunlight, trying to spot a glimmer in the sky that wasn’t there, even as Valerie streaked overhead and broke apart the vultures’ formation. “Do you have a Fenton Finder in the GAV?”

“Front weapons compartment, passenger side.”

“On it.” Danny weaved as he ran, using every skill he’d pretended not to have while playing dodgeball in gym when he was awake enough to think about it. Okay, so that was a bit generous. He hobbled quickly in a pattern that was unpredictable as much because he was still sore and stiff and it hurt to move as because going in a straight line would be idiotic, even if the ghosts had overheard him or could otherwise guess his goal.

A movement at the hedge on his right caught his eye. An ectopus. Danny slowed, shifted slightly to adjust his aim, shot a net in its direction, and kept going even as he pressed the net release. The Fenton Net Guns were well made and rarely jammed, and Danny doubted Lancer had used it more than once or twice—assuming he’d tried it out at all—which meant it would be full or nearly so. He wouldn’t have to worry about running out of nets any time soon even when he released the nets and let the next one load instead of reeling in his previous shot.

Three painful breaths later, Danny was reaching out for the door handle on the GAV.

A bolt of pink energy got there first, hitting the passenger door inches from his fingers. He jerked back, feeling its heat. The light scattered, hissing and spitting for another precious breath before fizzling out entirely.

Valerie usually didn’t let her shots go that wild. Danny wanted to look, to turn and find her and see if there was anything he could do to help even though he knew his parents and Jazz would have her back, but he stayed where he was. The GAV was fine—it was built like a tank, and the outside was ecto-proofed, which was just as effective against ghosts as ghost weaponry powered by converted ecto-energy—but between his close call and the abruptness of that movement, Danny was not. He felt suddenly, horribly nauseous. The pounding in his head was back with a vengeance, and it made his stomach turn.

He knew he needed to move.

He knew staying in one spot was a bad idea.

Instead of running like he wanted them to, his legs buckled. He found himself clutching handfuls of grass, trying to keep his meagre stomach contents down as he waited for the world to stop spinning.

He was not ready for a fight.

He was not ready for any fight.

Running had been stupid.

He should have just stayed in bed.

Except then they would’ve broken into Lancer’s house to find him, and that arguably would’ve ended worse, at least for Mr. Lancer and his few thousand books.

“Danny! Are you okay?”

Danny didn’t dignify Jazz’s distorted exclamation with an answer. She had eyes. She could use them. And he wasn’t sure opening his mouth was a great idea right now.

“Fenton Finder’s under the front passenger seat!”

“So’s the Spectral Shield prototype! Grab that, too, sweetie!”

No. This was better. He might not be in any shape to fight, but his family was here. And Valerie. Even Mr. Lancer, though Danny didn’t have any idea if he was remotely good in a fight. Danny doubted it; he was more likely the reason Maddie wanted Jazz to grab the personal ghost shield. Unless she thought Danny needed it? A five foot radius when fighting with a net gun—

Something shattered—window—and Danny winced. At least windows were replaceable. At least—

The smell of scorched hair hit his nose. Danny heaved, coughed, blinked, and tried to fight down his nausea. Best not to think about that. Thinking about it wasn’t helping. Instead, he focused on taking a slow, deliberate breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Wait until sound and light and balance were normal, and then try to get up. Simple.

Danny’s nose was inches from the grass, but he didn’t look up. The sizzle and zap and boom and crack of the ectoblast battle—or the accompanied yelling—wasn’t enough to cover up the click and thump and bang of Jazz opening the door to the GAV and digging out the inventions from beneath the front seat. It was almost enough to make him relax, knowing that she had that part under control.

Unfortunately, the fighting wasn’t loud enough to drown out the voice that practically purred in his ear, “Still feeling a little under the weather, are we, little badger?”

#danny phantom #danny fenton #mr lancer #maddie fenton #valerie gray #jazz fenton #jack fenton #phanfiction #dp fanfiction #fanfiction #my writing #ladylynse #snippets #dp snippet

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