#bpd trauma dump

[simplelittlesongs]

Started off low and it's sad because I just keeping getting lower

#my mother is a dumb bitch #I hate you #you created a monster #sad #bpd #bpd trauma dump #boarderline personality disorder #trauma #childhood trauma #I hate these fucking people they sicken me #can anyone save me #how do I just “be” #how do I exist #how does one “live” #Im so tired of being alive #exhausting #helpme #waiting #can't do this anymore #why #everythingisalie #lost #tired

[honeypleasejustkillme]

nothing is real and yet i am attached to the internet like it’s what birthed me

#actually bpd #bpd problems #bpd vent #actually borderline #actually mentally ill #bpd fp #bpd #bpd shitposting #bpd favorite person #bpd mood #bpd blog #all i do is trauma dump and shitpost on the internet i stg #at least here i don’t have to worry about being sent away into a hospital #i can’t say the same about my therapy sessions

[monroeville-is-for-lovers]

“you’re so mature for your age”

is a phrase i’ve been told more times than i can even count.

and even more times than i can count, the conversation ended with me being forced to take off my clothes.

#trauma dump #trauma #traumadumping #dissociation #bpd #borderline #borderline personality disorder

[dizzdain]

No one will love you as much as I did, and now everyone seems to love me more than you ever did, so what's the point?

#bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #trauma dump #trauma dumping #trauma #venting #vent post #tw vent

[deadgirlinthepool]

one thing about me, is that I remember everything.

my brain: forgets simple math equations

also my brain: remembers every single detail of my SA

like, okay? I guess????

#thoughts #trigger warning #tw vent #trauma dump #trauma posting #trauma #personal vent #vent post #bpd vent #vent

[mybpdiary]

#memes #bpd life #bpd memes #mental illness memes #bpd stuff #bpd meme #mental illness #bpd blog #bpd shit #Trauma dumping baby!

[moderngrief]

i cant wait to die so i can reborn and experience childhood again. a new one.

in a safe place, with parents who are excited to have me,

in a world at peace, submerged in bright colors, feeling the air filling my lungs entirely

#mental illness #bpd thoughts #chilhood #reborn #trauma dump #inner child #hello kitty #pixel art #credit to artist #mental health

[actual-changeling]

"you're a mean/rude/etc. person" honey i hold back 99% of the things my brain wants to say, if you think i'm not nice now just wait until you fuck with me enough and i go straight for the kill.

i am so good at finding people's weak spots and exploiting them my father almost killed me one time, you don't scare me

#alex yells at the void #literally y'all have no idea how much fucking self control i need to have every single waking moment #or my bpd and cptsd would tear everyone in my path apart #including myself #and that last sentence is not a hyperbole btw #it's real <3 #trauma dumping on main #that memory still haunts me and always will #im so tired of being nice i just wanna go apeshit and self destruct so hard i take everyone down with me

[bpdshan]

when i was a teenager, i had a close friend that, pretended like they didn’t know me during school hours, and did shitty things like spreading rumours about me etc etc. but when we were alone together, we got on so perfectly. she was just as “weird” as me and it was lowkey homoerotic at times. there was a power complex though, she was super controlling and could get anything she wanted. sometimes she would take my possessions and there was just nothing i could do. she was stronger than me and could pin me down and i would never win. we’d physically play fight a lot when alone, but i hated how entitled she felt, how weak i was against her, and how she never once considered my feelings.

and then we’d be back at school, and i was back to being either a ghost to her, or something to laugh at with the popular kids.

yeah i’m only just realising that that may have caused some Emotional Damage

#bpd #actuallyborderline #actuallytraumatized #trauma dump

[nightsister-juisid]

My Roman Empire is thinking how most of my partners have been csa survivors and they end up dumping all their trauma on me, using me to fulfill their weird paraphilias (Most of them infantilizing me because of my appearance) or abusing me physically or verbally.

This has been so common that now I’m wondering if I was SA when I was a child for this pattern to happen nowadays most of the time.

My first homosexual experience was a girl at my school who used to corner me and grope me inappropriately. We were eleven. Nowadays I wonder what kind of behavior she saw at her home to do that on other people.

I think the girl from college and her bf ruined me and I’m actually going insane. My mental health has gone downhill since that.

#trauma dump #why all my partners are like that #why the people who flirt with me always went through that #csa survivor #csa awareness #bpd #mental health #i think they ruined me

[belog-grada-crna-princeza]

....

And I wanted to heal people with my love. Because I knew that's what would heal me. Love. How much would be enough? Could anyone ever make up for the love I never had? Of course I almost resent it. I idolized it so much. Waited for it to save me. Any day now. And it fucked me up even more. Why would I need it now? Where was it all these years? The truth is, deep down, I've given up on love. On ever finding the kind of relationships I truly need. Or at least a part of me has. There's a part of me that deeply believes she'll never be loved the way she needs to.

On the other hand, I'm grateful for music and books. When I felt most alone, I'd listen to songs, read lyrics. Find comfort in fhe fact that someone else out there might actually know what I feel, has felt it too. That I'm not alone, even if it feels like I am. The truth is, the child in me will never forgive my parents. Yes, as an adult, or an adult to be because the truth is I don't feel that grown up sometimes, I can understand them, forgive, empathize. The child and especially the teenage me can't and don't want to. They're too hurt. They're too angry. And that's okay. They don't have to forgive. They can stay angry for now if they need to. They can be mad about them never asking, about them always pushing her away, about isolating her, about avoiding her feelings, about not caring to get to know her. About being controlling, invading. About all the yelling and intimidation. About almost never praising her. About making her feel like she doesn't have a home. I watched Hannah Montana the movie and it didn't bring back light, happy memories. It brought back so much sadness. I used to be so ashamed of liking Hannah Montana. (....) I hid so much of who I was, always, always trying to please someone. My parents probably. Trying to be okay for someone. Trying to be approved, liked, validated. You know why else I was sad watching that movie? Cause I remember even then having friends and knowing there were things going on in my mind and life I couldn't talk to them about. There was no one who knew about my inner world and I knew if I tried to tell someone they'd never understand. That's why I didn't feel loved. My therapist asked if I want to feel cared for or understood. For me, being cared for is being understood. I don't think I can truly feel like someone loves me if I feel alien to them or like they can't see where I'm coming from. Also, in that movie, the point is - no matter what, you'll always find your way back home; whatever happens there's a safe place to go back to and process it all. I never found my home in others. Only in my melancholy. My isolation.

I also realized why the fear of being happy. Being successful. Because I feel like they'll love me even less then. At least when I'm ill or sad or needy, they show me some love or care. When I'm doing well, they become harsh and demanding again. They stop being kind and understanding. They start expecting. They become cruel. I'm scared of that. If I let go of needing them, they won't know how to love me. That's why I dim my light all my life. That's what they told me even - don't be too much better than others, they'll be jealous and resent you. Were they talking about others, or themselves?

Truly, it's hard unlearning all this, getting rid of it.

(from an old journal entry).

- Katarina

#beloggradacrnaprinceza #journal #journal entry #journal dump #personal #thoughts #loneliness #family problems #relationship problems #relationships #trauma #toxic family #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery #ptsd thoughts #therapy #love #unloved #bpd #cluster b #cptsd vent

[imjustagayfish]

Me reading a Karlnapity fic and feeling very uncomfortable and kind of scared every time Karl says something like he isn’t himself anymore:

Me realizing that it’s because it reminds me of my dad:

#karlnapity #help I’m being sucked into dsmp #dsmp #the fiancés #fiancé #dsmp quackity #dsmp karl #dsmp sapnap #context: my dad has bpd and when growing up sometimes he just wouldn’t be himself and was nonverbal #like that wasn’t my dad that was someone else #and sometimes he would have to call the ambulance or police and he just was so detached from the world it was awful #sorry for trauma dumping #I think?

[simplelittlesongs]

I am really, really, sad

#sad #boarderline personality disorder #helpme #why #waiting #tired #can't do this anymore #bpd #childhood trauma #lost #everythingisalie #I don't know what to do #tears #always crying #triggers #trigger #triggered #trauma dump #it bever stops #It just keeps on going #free me #bring me to life

[anothersmallfeat]

We all know autism is the "misses social queues" neurodivergency. But what is it when you calmly and clearly say to somebody "I don't want to talk about this. You're hurting me with this conversation and I'm telling you because you say you want me to talk to you more and get mad at me when I don't tell you things. This is a test and you're failing." And they keep talking?

Because that's so far past "not getting the social queues" it's straight up ignoring them. Is it just abuse? Or does this family member have a disorder that can be addressed?

I'd like to see them get help if possible. I'm not trying to villify any disorder; mental health solidarity.

They've also said stuff like "If you know something about me that I don't know that can help me you should say it!" But them already angry at me seems like a bad time to bring up BPD, given the black and white thinking thing would put the whole idea under the current mood?

They seem to straight up forget/try to gaslight things they or other people said.

They think they might be autistic but when mad they always look for deeper meanings in what people are saying. A hyperbolic example being: "you all hate me."

"No we don't I love you"

"Sounds like something someone who hates me would say."

(Hyperboly because laughing at it is what I got. It's actually more like "you're lying (about lovig me) because of you tell other people(close family) I [did something they absolutely did do that was harmful to the household]!")

But I think it might be BPD. Reading through the symptoms rings truer than anything else I've found so far. But the stories of peoples experiences with BPD family members often seem so much more... violent? Excessive? They don't seem like they are BPD enough if you compare to those stories. But mental stuff exists on spectrums.

Like do I just pretend to give them a personality quiz while asking them questions from a BPD screener and then give them the results if it comes back as highly likely? (Probably not, that's lying and screws up any foundation of trust.)

Anyway... even if nobody finds this and sends advice at least I got some of this out of my system.

#actually bpd #diagnosis help #family drama #mental health #mental abuse #psychic damage #autism #bpd #actually autistic #vent #rant #trauma dump

[mysadmentalhealthdiary]

I just wish I could talk to someone. But I'm already scared people whom I love will leave me. If I'd open up to them I fear they would fell nothing but pity and disgust towards me seeing how much of a mess I am.

#deppressed #tw depressing stuff #anxious attachment #anxienty #tw selfhate #sad thoughts #hoplessness #night thoughts #bpd stuff #bpd thoughts #this is depressing #why am i like this #trauma #trauma dump

[taughtsauce]

all i ever wanted was to stay close with you. we’re not even friends anymore. you haven’t talked to me in over a year now.

it will never be how it was, and i will never move on from what we had. that drives fucking insane. no word or warning. you just left. and now everything is worse. you know i still fucking mourn you. i dream about you. i cry over you. do you care? i won’t get to know, we’ll probably never see each other again. we are strangers now. and it makes me so. fucking. sick. it all led to nothing. i will always be alone. i will never really have someone, not like you.

#vent post #actually bpd #actually mentally ill #bpd vent #favorite person #fp bpd #vent #trauma posting #trauma dump #self h@rm