Basic Maths
“Draco said he can’t sleep,” Harry admitted, half-mumbled into his coffee, for some reason blushing over this, mostly concerned, but Ron just hummed and said, “That’s sweet.”
“What?”
“What?”
“What’s sweet?”
Freckled nose scrunched up. “You said he can’t sleep. Because he misses you. That’s a bit sweet, isn’t it?”
“I never said,” gasping, “Ron, it’s been three days. He can’t be missing me so much after three fucking days.”
The look on his face, exasperated and something else. “Mate.”
“What?”
“You what. Why do you think—no, it’s too early in the morning.” Tapping his shoulder, this tired look that had nothing to do with the fact it was barely six. “Harry, you’re my best mate, but you’re rubbish at this.”
That’s exactly what he was so scared of. Being rubbish at this. He didn’t know how to do—any of this, didn’t know how to, say, think the right words. Worried he’s misinterpreting everything because he’s so desperate for the tiniest of shred of… Enough. Another sip of coffee, miserable: enough.
“Harry,” great, now Ron sounded miserable too, “I didn’t mean—”
“It’s fine,” rougher than intended. “It’s fine. Let’s just get to work, all right?”
Ron stared at him for the longest moment, but then he sighed, and his shoulders rolled with it. “All right. We’ll talk about this tonight?”
“Sure thing.”
They won’t.
*
“And he got me another one, although I specifically said not to,” trying for a pout, ending somewhere like a sigh, rolling his eyes at how ridiculous this man was, and Hermione smiled and said, “What a wanker.”
“Right?” twitching in his seat.
“Absolutely. Getting you the pastry you like even though you specifically told him not to.”
“It’s just, every time we go to his place he—‘Mione, he’s worse than Molly.”
Hermione’s eyebrow arched. “Uh-huh. Worse, you say. Harry, you’ve not stopped smiling all day.”
“What? No I’ve not.” Nonsensically offended. “I’m… just wish I knew what he’s thinking.”
The look in her eyes, something terrible, hot and itchy like pity. “Harry.”
“No, I know, I know. I’m blowing it all out of proportions and it’s not a big deal and it shouldn’t be, right, we’re casual, and we’re friends, and that’s a lot more important. There’s no need to overcomplicate it.”
“Harry—”
“It’s fine.” Coughed until he’s convinced himself too. “It’s fine. Let’s just… eat, yeah?”
He could see she was dying to say it, but thankfully, mercifully, she just grimaced and shook her head. “Fine. You’ll figure this out, won’t you?”
“Yeah. Probably.”
He won’t.
*
“Then he knocked on the door with the scarf in his hands. Gin, I think he went all the way back just to get it.”
“Mad,” Ginny said and stole another chip from his Styrofoam tub. “No, that man is completely mad, so much is true.”
“Isn’t he just. He was soaking wet—I had to convince him to stay and take a bath while his clothes went in the tumble drier.” Left unsaid: how impossibly soft Draco had looked in Harry’s robe, with his hair curling sweetly and his cheeks all pink. How he curled on Harry’s sofa and watched the telly with an arched eyebrow, obviously not following but still enchantingly caught.
Left unsaid how Harry leaned closer just to smell his own shampoo on Draco, how it squeezed his chest so tight he thought he might die. How lovely, how brilliant, how terrible it was to have him this close and this warm and this wrong.
“Harry,” Ginny’s sigh brought him back to the café, to the bright lights and the ache that still didn’t quite leave his belly, “you’re such a bloody idiot, I could strangle you.”
“Hmm? What? Why!”
“Why. He asks me why. You practically have love-hearts for eyes and here you are asking me why.”
Harry grunted something not-quite in English. “I don’t… it doesn’t matter. How I feel. He’s the one who said about keeping it casual. He’s obviously not—” lost the rest of the sentiment to a sigh, bone-crushing. Ginny was staring at him with an open mouth.
“Doesn’t matter,” she repeated, sounding dazed. “Harry, you berk, just talk to him.”
“We talk all the time.”
“No, I mean, actually talk to him. Why's that so terrifying? You’re meant to be this fairly-brave man, remember?”
Meant to be, was the point exactly. If she asked him to step into a burning house to save him (and not that it was a fantasy that Harry spent so much time dreaming about, in frightening detail)—but this was something else. Harry’s never learned how to… won’t be able to handle this particular loss. After everything, this would be the thing to break him, of that he was sure.
“Just talk to him. You’ll see, everything will be all right.”
It won’t.
*
“Just wondering if, erm, you know when he’s meant to be back, or…” his voice died into a croak. Pansy, still with her arms crossed, glared.
“No idea. Now, if that’s all.” Going for the door, and Harry’s heart—
“Wait!” with his foot forward, with his chest writhing, “wait, it’s not all. I don’t understand why he’s so angry. What did I do? Pans, please.”
Must have been the tone that got to her, the crack in his voice, because Pansy’s frown softened. “You two will be the death of me. I swear, if I have to listen to him whining one more time—”
“What is he whining about? Why… he looked so miserable. And now I can’t eat anything or get any sleep and I need to know, I need to know why he’s so upset and how to make it right. How do I make it right?”
Pansy’s wide eyes. “What… you’re joking. Why he’s upset? Not even you are that clueless.”
“But what if I am. What if I am, and I’m losing my mind. I miss him so terribly it’s like my belly’s on fire and it’s only been a couple of days and please, I just, don’t understand why he’s angry with me when I’m so bloody—” exhausted, and terrified, and mostly exhausted. Not the lack of sleep: the lack of Draco in his life, the lack of his smile and his snarl and his cologne, and his hair and his eyes and his hands.
“Shit,” Pansy said, something flashing on her face. “You’re bonkers for him too, aren’t you.”
Wasn’t really a question, but Harry still nodded, tragic. Swallowed. Swallowed again. Bonkers for him too. “You’re not trying to say…” but he couldn’t even finish. She was, he thought, trying to say. “Why didn’t he just—tell me? I’ve been—he’s—no, that’s not possible.”
“Not possible,” Pansy said.
“No, no. He would have—I’ve been—for years. He’d have said something. I couldn’t be more obvious if I fucking tried.”
“Have you met Draco?” sneering again. “Our Draco?”
Something like laughter, hot and terrible, itchy up his throat. “Okay, yes, but…” not sure how to, what to, so panicked because he couldn’t face losing him, not Draco, their Draco, his Draco. “How do I make him realise. That I—too. That I, more.”
Sighing dramatically: “I think you know how.”
Already taking a step back, still shaking his head, his whole chest fluttering with giddy panic: “I—I have to—”
“Go, you arsehole,” but she was smiling.
What if Draco refused to speak to him? What if he wouldn’t listen. What if it was too late. What if he didn’t want Harry anymore? Harry tried to breathe.
He couldn’t.
*
“Idiot,” Draco was laughing, dear and too bright in his arms. “I can’t believe you…”
“I can’t believe you,” delirious with joy, burst open with affection, “you git, why didn’t you just tell me.”
“Beg pardon? Why didn’t you just tell me?”
On the sofa, curled around each other, and this humming in Harry’s ears that could only be contentment, that could only be burning, aching relief. “Dunno. Suppose it was… I couldn’t bring myself to risk it. I was too scared.”
Draco’s eyes were so grey and so close. “I thought I was so obvious. I thought—”
“I know.” Couldn’t believe he just gets to kiss his nose like that. Couldn’t believe Draco’s arms around him or the little sound he made when Harry nuzzled his neck. “We were maybe being a little silly.”
“A little,” Draco said, fondness dancing in his eyes. “Come here.”
Harry would, always, always. “Kiss me, you silly man.”
“Impatient, are we. I’ve only wanted this for, what… what are you doing, you berk!” to Harry, lifting him in the air a bit with the jump and settling again, closer, ever closer. Draco’s laughter rang in his ears, soothed something in his writhing belly.
“We’re not casual,” Harry said. “I’m so serious about you, Draco.”
“Not casual,” he nodded. “Is this what you wanted? Are you happy?”
Too much for words: he was.
(Flufftober day 5. Find the soft AO3 collection here).
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