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duketectivecomics · 4 years

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You might've answered this already and I just didn't find it, but one thing that always perplexed me about Duke was how old he was in comparison to the other Batkids. It's obvious he's younger than Dick and Babs, and I pretty sure he's younger than Jason and Cass, and older than Damian, but I cannot tell if he's meant to be Tim and Steph's ages, younger, or older. Could you help me?

You’re all kinds of good here, anon!!! I answered a similar ask abt the Order of Adoption but didn’t dive into specific ages on that post BECAUSE well they didn’t ask lmaooo but ALSO:

Comic ages are very fluid usually! While Years™️ might pass in the canon proper, or while time seems to slow to a crawl, having a character’s age outright stated is something that occurs very rarely for most characters, if at all!

Because it’s always much easier to have a floating age range to work and play around in! It’s easier to keep a character Perpetually 12 or 16 or 25 or mid-40s or- you get the idea. SO, with that in mind. Let’s do our Best to Break Down What Age Duke Might Be Currently A N D how it might interact with the Other Batkids!

(Warning for a Very Long Post, lots of issue citations, and a LOT of comics terminology regarding specific runs/events/continunity. I’m gonna try to keep it as clear/concise as possible ofc but plz keep these things in mind! If you’re not at least marginally familiar with Bat-Comics, you might find yourself feeling a little lost here!)

So from the Zero Year arc we see a common Trend that plays out pretty consistently with Batfam comics: a Life-Changing Event Occuring while the protag is Young™️.

(Batman (2011) #30)

With how Duke is drawn in these particular issues, and given the trends of the past, I’d place him in the 8-12 range. The historic precedent being ofc that that is the same range that canon usually places both Bruce and Dick at for their Tragedies™; the more benign reason being that he... just very much Looks to be drawn in that Range. He’s very clearly an Older/Prepubescent child here.

Fast Forward to his Next Appearance in the Endgame arc and-

(Batman (2011) #37)

He’s definitely older! He’s wiser! And he’s giving Batman a fistbump lmao. Again, no strict age given here BUT, since they condensed each Robin to a Year or Two tops with Bruce (its n52 and its fucked up is what it is), we can assume it’s been at least 4-5 since Zero Year (which would mean if we go off the age range I proposed for that year, then theoretically he could be anywhere from 12-16 here, and I think that tracks pretty well. Not Perfectly and Certainly Not so well with Pre52 continuity ofc, but I’ll talk about that later!)

In We Are Robin, while its not stated Directly In The Text, it IS given as an Informational Tidbit that Duke is 16 (specifically this can be found at the end of issue #4)! (Sweet sweet canon confirmation FINALLY)

We know that WAR takes place Fairly Soon after Endgame (almost immediately, give or take a month or two given that Duke’s been placed in a few foster homes at this point and has racked up Quite A File) now, again id like to remind y’all that while this is a NICE starting point to have, keep in mind that comics are fluid and this may be retconned slightly/ignored in later stories bc Keeping Duke 16-ish is in DC’s Best Interest at the moment. (Having Relatable Teen Characters afterall is a Good Marketing strategy™️. And the longer they can Keep them Young, the Better)

With that in mind let’s take a moment to Highlight the fact that Duke and Damian have crossed paths at this point AND the storylines that have occurred during this year that were meant to be in conjunction with one another!

Because Prior to Endgame, Damian had Died! And just a year (in real, meat-space time) before We Are Robin, he was resurrected and had begun his “Year of Atonement” in the Robin: Son of Batman maxiseries. Midway through both this series and WAR (and, we can assume, midway thru this “Year” for Damian) the Robin War begins/ends and we see at least one major Moment between these two boys who will soon call one another brothers:

(Robin War #2)

Given that R:SoB is followed up VERY quickly by Teen Titans Rebirth (in which Damian celebrates his 13th birthday), we can conclude that Damian would be 12 during this time (well, 12 and 1/2 to play it safe lmao). That being said, this Confirms about a 4yr gap between Duke and Damian! (One Batkid down at least! but he’s the key to the others so put a pin in him!)

As We Are Robin draws to its conclusion, DC was releasing another arc that would eventually flow into the Rebirth Era, by the end of which, Bruce would approach Duke with an Idea (which involves Bruce becoming Dukes temporary guardian & as he states Many Times “Trying Something New” with Duke).

And thus the Rebirth Era begins, and Duke began his Year of training (most directly encapsulated by the Cursed Wheel arc in the All-Star Batman run:

(All-Star Batman #1 (back-up story))

Bruce introduces Duke to a training regimen that Alfred has named “the Cursed Wheel”. It encompasses all the training Bruce and the other bats have undergone and condenses it down into color-coordinated segments that will take Duke a Year to Complete.

It can be assumed that by the End of this Year Duke will somehow miraculously still be 16, despite, again, an entire ass year passing.

There’s one story that takes place mid-year in All-Star Batman, and the Cursed Wheel is meant to be capped off by Duke’s first Official Day as the Signal (in the titular Batman & the Signal ofc) BUT, near as I can tell after this story, Dukes age is not brought up again. So until they DO bring it up either in Batman & the Outsiders or whatever future run Duke becomes involved in, we can assume DC will be working with the idea that he’s meant to be in that 16-18 range from here on out (ie still a minor).

But, dear anon, you might be saying “okay, that’s cool, but how does that relate to my question abt how he falls in with the other Bats?” You’ll have to be a little patient with me here, but I think I may have cracked the code!

Keep in mind I’m gonna be addressing both the Post-Crisis to Flashpoint Continuity (ie mid-80s to 2010 in comics history) and the N52-slash-Rebirth Era (2010-Today). Its generally agreed by fandom and DC alike that these points of rebooting &/or Major Events constitute the era of “Modern” comics, and that everything from the 80s-on might more or less be canon on some level, even if not All of it is.

(Plus, most of fandom usually likes to borrow elements from both eras and much more rarely from stories before it, SO-)

Lets do a quick rundown of how everyone who’s Closer to Duke’s Age, Relates to each other first, age-wise:

Given that Jason was 15 when he died, in A Lonely Place of Dying its established that Bruce had become increasingly reckless since his death, and by the end of the story, Tim has stepped in to fill Robin’s shoes (he states that he’s 13 during this story btw). Pretty soon after, Stephanie Brown is introduced & established to be about a year older than Tim (wish I could pin-point a specific issue BUT, i unfortunately haven’t read any Tim OR Steph-involved comics that predate No Man’s Land... Besides the aforementioned Lonely Place and Young Justice technically, but im working on remedying that soon!)

NOW, during the No Man’s Land event, Cassandra is introduced, and pretty soon into her Batgirl run, its revealed that she’s around the same age as Jason (or at least how old he Would Have Been, had he not died.) Now, given that Jay has an August bday and Cass has a January one, fandom sometimes likes to play around with the idea of one being older than the other (OR even speculating/placing them in an AU as twins/siblings, given that Lady Shiva (Cass’ mom) was a Possible Candidate to be Jason’s biological mother but that’s a Whole Other Thing i wont get into here.)

The point being, Cass, in this era of comics, IS slightly older than Tim and Steph. At Tim’s start as Robin, their ages could either line up like: Tim-13, Steph-14, Cass-15 (being a few months ‘behind’ Jay), then Jason at 15/16 (depending on how soon Tim filled the role after Jay died in April) OR Jason-15/16, Cass-16/17 (in this case she’d be a few months ‘ahead’ now instead)

So brief detour to talk New 52, however! Because Tim, Steph & Cass all got switched around from where DC originally left them prior to the reboot! Now I haven’t read much of them in this era, other than Batman & Robin: Eternal, so my Understanding of their current ages is Spotty at Best. The general consensus seems to be that while before N52, Stephanie had been attending her first year of College (& doing VERY WELL i might add), with the reboot she was set back a few years alongside Tim to a vague Late-Teen state (so 16-18-ish, instead of a Very Clearly Established 18/19). Cass is probably the worst off for this reboot, given that B&R:E basically constitutes her new origin for the new continuity, and does nothing to confirm her age (all I really know is that she’s a Vague Late-Teen too... Probably? Maybe?), given how much they infantilize her, and subsequently how fandom in turn has taken to infantilizing her too, theres a semi-popular fanon that places her Younger that Tim and Steph. And I, for one, propose that we ignore that bc its Weak Sauce my dudes.

Some fans chose to ignore N52 continuity due to this vagueness, and will stick to the ages established before the N52/Rebirth reboots. But its something to keep in mind regardless bc we’re all obviously going to pull from what’s most familiar to us!

But WHERE could we place Duke with regards to them, then? Because them being “Late Teens” is certainly much too vague to work with!

This is Where Damian is the key!

Because Damian is one of those rare exceptions to the Reboot Rule. His story flowed almost seamlessly over from before to after. While he was made a Robin at the age of 10, he continued to grow and learn even after the universe was being rewritten to suit the whims of DC editorial.

If we choose to ignore how everyone else’s ages and origins were swapped around, and stick with the growth that was presented before the reboot, then we can draw some interesting conclusions!

Firstly, though Stephanie also had Died and subsequently Returned, she hadn’t lost much, if any time, from the Ordeal. At the start of her Batgirl run, she is enrolled at a Gotham university and making headway with a more firm foot in the Batfamily (even to the point that she and Damian spend a few issues bonding. At this point in time, Damian is definitely 11, and again, Steph can be assumed to be 18/19 during the course of her run. We’ll assume 18 for clarity’s sake.)

So, then when Damian is 11, now our line up is as Follows:

Dami - 11, Steph - 18, Tim - 17, Cass 19-21 (the range depending again, if you subscribe to Cass being either older/younger than Jason).

WHICH MEANS, If during Robin War Damian is 12 (and a half) THEN We’ve got an age line-up that Potentially looks Like This:

Dami -12(and 1/2), Duke - 16, Tim - 18, Steph - 19, Cass - 20-22 (And Obvsly Jason, Babs & Dick at their varying Older Ages than everyone here)

and im just now realizing i Didnt include Harper in this line-up, but thats bc she’d also throw a big wrench in all this. I’d personally throw her in with being Steph’s age, but I’m pretty sure she was supposed to be either that, or between Steph and Cass (again, since its N52, i believe Cass was/is assumed to be Younger than Steph, but that contradicts the assumed following of pre52 canon that we have for the above line-up, obvsly, and so we ignore that lmao)

All this to say, however, that canon and fandom is what you make of it, and if you want to wiggle these ages around a little, you’re more than allowed! God Knows i usually like to skew the Tim-Steph-Cass age group to be a tad older than this in my own fic writing, and I like to have Duke start as a Robin at 14/15 instead of 16, but that’s just bc I like the dynamic potential it could bring with them being Definitively Older that him, and thus in a more secure place to be Mentoring him right alongside Bruce & the others.

But you might see these age ranges and want to do something Different (say, making Tim, Steph, Cass, & Duke all the Same Age at 17 instead! And that very well tracks with how current comics kinda looks right now!) and you’re absolutely valid to do so! Because again, comic character’s ages are meant to be fluid, not fixed!

And at the end of the day, its all about wanting to see these teen heroes kick serious ass haha

#duke thomas #guest starring:#batfamily #damian wayne #tim drake #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #randywrites #randys meta #meta #asked and answered #anonymous asks #this was A LOT and i tried to throw some humor where i could #but uhhhh yeah!!! i hope this helps anon!!!#also just realizing its TWO AM WHERE DID THE TIME GO #ah well. Worth It

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queenofallwitches · 3 years

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an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

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eloarei · 4 years

Text

tl;dr and TW: I had a miscarriage (and an ER visit)

So, I haven’t been on tumblr for a while. Let’s see how long. ...Three and a half months. Basically, I haven’t been on since a little before I found out I was pregnant. See, my birthday was January 28th. My last period had started on New Year’s Day, so I was slated to start again on my birthday, and I just kept thinking, “gosh, I would really like to not be on my period on my birthday!�� Well, I got my wish. A few days came and went, and I thought, “okay, I’m pregnant.” This wasn’t an overreaction; I’d never been more than 3 days late in the past few years, and I just... felt it. I took the test, and lo and behold, it was positive. A ‘dye-stealer’, even. (A strong positive, where the positive line ‘steals’ all the dye from the control line.) (I’ve spent a lot of time on pregnancy forums; I’m familiar with a whole new world now.) I was happy. Mostly excited, mostly not scared. My husband was the same. We’d been married for 12 years with no kids, no prior pregnancies, and I’d thought for a few years that I probably did want kids-- it just... never happened. We were too careful, until we decided not to be. (Even then, we weren’t trying. We just let things do as they would.) The next 6 weeks were interesting. It was... neat? Neat to feel all the minute changes. Every day I was so aware of my body and what was happening to it. Even though I was almost not showing at all (I could see a slight difference; nobody else would have), I felt so big, and I was exhausted, but it was kind of fun. It was fun thinking about having an October baby; maybe its birthday would end up on my husband’s, or my old bff’s. Maybe it’d be 10-15-20. I thought that would be cool. And I thought about names, about how we’d arrange the house, how we’d afford everything when we have such a habit of just squeaking by. I felt we were up for the challenge. But I read a lot of information. SO MUCH information. So I knew there was a chance it wouldn’t work out. After all, roughly 1 out of every 4 known pregnancies ends badly. And there was no reason why I should miscarry, when I was healthy, and my family didn’t have a history of common miscarriages. But I wasn’t stupid, and I’ve never been the kind of person to say, “it won’t happen to me”. I guess I was lucky that I read so much, that I knew things could go wrong, because they did. Even so, I wasn’t entirely prepared. I started bleeding around week 9, so I read an absolute ton about miscarriages. They all said it happened pretty quick-- maybe a few days of light bleeding before the ‘big event’, and that the event itself was painful-- AT LEAST like heavy period cramps. When I continued bleeding for over a week I thought “...maybe it’s not a miscarriage?” I read some more and determined it could have been a subchorionic hemorrhage-- bleeding in the uterus that is usually not fatal to the baby, often characterized by period-like bleeding: long, slow, not very painful. The whole time I was trying to find a place to get an ultrasound. I don’t/didn’t have a doctor of my own, a primary care physician or an obstetrician. I’ve never really done doctors. Figured I’d wait until about the second trimester to find one, since my readings told me a lot of doctors waited til week 10+ for the first appointment anyway. Unfortunately, all the clinics I talked to wouldn’t deal with me when I mentioned I had some bleeding-- even though it was just a little bit! Less than a period. “Go to the ER”, they said, to which I responded that I absolutely was not going to go to the ER for a non-emergency when hospitals were stuffed with coronavirus patients. Therefore, I just waited while I kept looking, hoping it would sort itself out. In a way, it eventually did. Monday morning, as I was about to go to sleep (I work nights), I had some slightly heavier bleeding. Thought it might have been another small clot. Sat on the toilet for an hour before I felt woozy and decided to lay in the tub before I passed out. Thank god for my husband, because I don’t know if I would have survived the next several hours without him. HERE’s the TMI >>>>>>> I continued bleeding for the next three hours, my husband pouring warm water on me to wash all the little clots away. After a while, I passed a huge clot, size of an egg. Ever done that science experiment where you use vinegar or something to dissolve an egg shell and you’re left with just the innards in a flexible membrane? Well it was like that, but blood. I passed out a little while after that. ....That’s when I knew things were getting weird. It was my second time passing out ever, and I hated it. I think it’s literally my least favorite thing in the world. 5 seconds that feels like an eternity and it feels like you’re going to die but you can’t explain why. Terrible. I still thought maybe we could get through this. It didn’t hurt, it was just... well, losing blood. It was within the realm of what I’d read about subchornionic hemorrhage, so I thought maybe that clot was the worst of it. HMM, I was wrong. I passed another one just like it. Then I passed out twice in quick succession, upchucked all over myself (the smell haunts me, ugh), and apparently turned rather blue. So I told him, “hey, it’s time for the ER”. Boy, that was....... a thing. He called his mom because I said I didn’t want him driving and for me to pass out again when he couldn’t help. I swaddled myself in towels and garbage bags so I wouldn’t bleed all over the damn place, all the while feeling like I might just die at any moment. When we got to the ER, they put me in a wheelchair, asked me some questions I could barely answer, and then took me back. The next 24 hours consisted of being stabbed, suctioned, and pumped with 5 liters of saline solution which left me smelling weird. I was barely conscious for the first half of it, but talking and joking whenever I could-- because apparently that’s how I deal with stress. Anyone surprised? Anyway, they quickly confirmed what I knew as soon as I passed more than one ungodly egg-clot: it was a miscarriage. They removed what was left; I didn’t look at it, but my husband said there... wasn’t really much. Nobody did any analyses, so I’m left to surmise that it wouldn’t have been more than 6 weeks (or possibly anembryonic), meaning it was just in there for 5+ weeks by then, doing nothing but accumulating blood. Insult to injury much? The biggest strangeness of the whole ordeal, the reason why I didn’t expect it was a miscarriage in the first place, was that none of it hurt. Every story I read said it hurt, but this just felt... awkward. I mean, passing out wasn’t fun. Sure as hell didn’t feel comfortable, but I never experienced any pain (except the blood draws; lord did those bruise. Ugh). The whole thing left me feeling exhausted. It took days before I could do more than toddle around the house. It’s been 2 weeks now, but I still feel a little sick when I think about those fucking clots, or the strangeness of the ER, or passing out 4+ times. I’m hoping I don’t have brain damage, geez. I certainly feel mentally slower than usual, like maybe the pregnancy-brain never went back to normal. As for what I feel emotionally... it’s... hard to say. I’m sad. Disappointed, annoyed. But mostly I was scared. And that makes me hesitant. I still want a kid. I wanted that kid. But I’ve always been very careful. We always knew the risks and wanted to wait until the right time. The problem is, now... Now I’m more intimately familiar with some of the risks, and I’m a bit afraid it’s going to make me too careful. Will I ever get another chance? Will I ever give myself another chance? I don’t know. I really just don’t. Mostly though, I am glad to be alive. And while I was more than accepting of the ugly bloated and tired feeling of pregnancy, I’m happy to take the good with the bad now. I hate what I lost, but my body is starting to feel normal again, and... well, that’s nice, I guess. Anyway... That’s partly why I haven’t been online, and what I’ve been up to since. God I hope you guys have all had nicer, less-eventful years so far. (If you wanna catch up, feel free to message me. The IM feature seems busted on my end, so maybe try sending an ask or something instead.)

#elo talks #long post #super long post #tw: miscarriage #tw: pregnancy #tw: emergency room #tw: blood loss #this is a personal post but I don't mind who interacts with it. I hope maybe it'll help someone somehow #sorry to make you read all this crap

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binkysteebnpewter · 4 years

Note

All of them 😤

Ehehe 😂💗

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it?

Grace is actually my middle name, and somewhat. I just don’t like it when my family calls me by first and middle together.

2. are you artistic?

Somewhat?

3. Have you had your first kiss?

Yes

4. What is your life goal?

It’s cheesy and a little cliche, but I want to find Home.

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person?

Nope

6. Do you play any sports?

Not anymore but I used to play football and I was on the wrestling team in HS

7. What’s your worst fear?

I have two that are sort of equal with another but I’m afraid of losing the people I care about and people seeing me the way I see myself.

8. Who’s your biggest inspiration?

My late Nana, Gloria.

9. Do you have any cool talents?

Answered in previous ask

10. are you a morning person?

Not at all

11. How do you feel about pet names?

I love them

12. Do you like to read?

Absolutely

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.

NCIS, Criminal Minds, and any marvel movie

14. Do you care about your follower count?

Not really, I’ll celebrate milestones but that’s just to show everyone I appreciate them following my trash pile. I didn’t start writing to have a high following, I started writing to better my skill and also make people happy.

15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?

I don’t remember most of my happy dreams

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

Yep!

17. Do you have any pets?

I have three dogs 🥺💗

18. Are you religious?

No. They only thing I actually believe in is ghosts.

19. Are you a people person?

Not really

20. Are you considered popular?

Nope, and I don’t care to be

21. What is one of your bad habits?

Overthinking

22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable?

Opening up my emotions to other people

23. What would you name your children?

No clue

24. Who’s your celebrity crush?

There’s a bunch ig

25. What’s your best subject?

Science and history

26. Dogs or cats?

Dogs, I love cats but I’m super allergic

27. most used social media besides tumblr?

I don’t use a lot of social media tbh, so tumblr is probably my most used unless you count youtube

28. best friends name

Duke

29. who does your main family consist of

My friends and my brother. Family isn’t just blood

30. Chocolate or sugar

Both

31. have you ever been on a date?

Yep

32. Do you like rollercosters?

Absolutely love them

33. Can you swim?

Yes 💗

34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse?

Clearly, I’d do what everyone else does. Panic and try to survive.

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder?

Yes, I struggle with anxiety and depression

36. Are your parents together?

Nope.

37. What’s your favourite colour?

Dark green and Dark Blue

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

Unfortunately, the U.S

39. Favourite singer?

Uh... there’s too many to list? But my favorite people to listen to is The Oh Hellos

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

Nope, I run from being the center of attention.

41. Do you like dresses?

Not really

42. Favourite song right now?

Fly Me To The Moon by Frank Sinatra

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Sort of.

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

No clue, I don’t remember

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

Yep

46. Have you ever done yoga?

47. Are you a horror girl?

YES 😈

48. Are you good at giving advice?

I suppose I am?

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

I don’t have a lot of happy memories but one that sticks out is: I used to go to a private Christian academy and I was in first grade when this boy in eighth grade (the entire school was k-12) came over to me during my lunch. I was super scared and shy as a kid so my schedule was tailored so I was able to eat lunch with my brother whose nine years older than me. Our mom forgot to pack our lunches so we were gonna just get some stuff from the vending machine, well my brother gave me my money to get something and this boy came over to me before I could put it in the vending machine. He hit me and took my money, buying himself something with it. My brother seen it and got into a fight with him.

50. How are you doing today?

51. Were you a cute kid?

I looked like Shirley Temple when I was a kid

52. Can you dance?

I can swing dance and slow dance, but that’s it.

53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?

I always look for exits and bathrooms when I go somewhere, I’ve always done it 🤷🏻‍♀️

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

No because I’m a ginger. I can’t just dye it back if I end up not liking the color I dyed it to.

55. What colour are your eyes?

Brown

56. What’s your favourite animal?

Answered in previous ask

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

Multiple times

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

My relationship with my dad is rocky but my relationship with my mother went up in flames a few yeaes ago 🤷🏻‍♀️

59. Do you have good friends?

I have some amazing friends🥺💗

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

Yep!

61. What’s your favourite class?

My favorite class was Psychology

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

I’m rewatching Criminal Minds right now.

63. Are you organized?

Somewhat?

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

I don’t know if it counts as a movie but I just finished a Ted Bundy Tapes Documentary. I think Bundy was a little bit of an idiot.

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

Spencer Reid

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Anxiety, Depression, overthinking

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

I would probably still work, I’m not a fan of sitting around and doing nothing for large amounts of time.

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

Find a way to die, I don’t want to live forever. That’s just torture 👀

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

Nothing. I’ll act the same as I always have because I am who I am, there’s no reason to change yourself from when someone is watching and when someone isn’t.

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

A lot 😂

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Yep

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

I went to Disney with my Chorus Class in Junior Year of HS, it was my first time to Disney.

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

Nothing, I’m looking for Home. Home will be someone I feel safe with, someone I can be completely myself with— someone I love wholly.

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

I— idk?

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

I wanted to be a nurse 🤦🏻‍♀️

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

Im not sure

79. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

Ooh... uh, something happened to me all through 7th, 8th, and 9th grade that I should’ve spoken up about but was too scared.

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence.

I will work hard to love myself and pursue my dream job.

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

No clue tbh

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

I don’t want to live forever but I guess I’d find a way to take away my immortality or find someone else who is immortal to love

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

Id put a lot into important causes and then save some with interest.

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

I’m not sure, I think I wouldn’t go anywhere because I want to live in the moment. Except 2020, fuck 2020.

85. What motivates you to succeed?

Failure motivates me to succeed.

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

I don’t remember most of my happy dream, I usually can only remember the nightmares 🤷🏻‍♀️

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

Woods, its peaceful.

88. Do you believe in life after death?

I don’t really believe in anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

I had a teacher named Ms Eagan and she inspired me to always be myself.

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

Meeting Lily

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

Lily, because I really miss her.

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

Anyone being nice to me makes me cry—

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

Sometimes the people you call family don’t truly love you.

94. What do you think happens after we die?

Idk and idrc either tbh

95. What would you do if you would be invisible?

I’d probably scare some people

96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?

Speak in public or ask for something at restaurants

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

98. How did your first crush develop?

They were nice to me when no one else was

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

Yes, I’m trying to ignore how upset some people can really make me.

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

I think I’m somewhere in between, where sometimes I’m just existing and sometimes I’m living.

#grace speaks #100 questions #@breadgenie892 #ill protect my munchkins 😌💗#my munchkins 🥺💗

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osamuniichann · 4 years

Text

Map of the Soul: 7

After a ~315 day drought without new music and a comeback from the legends, we are finally back with MOTS: 7! It been a hot minute since ive done a album review (solely for myself LMAO) so lets get back into it bc this album is a home run

Interlude: Shadow. Here we have the extended version of the interlude. can i just say that the lyrics to this masterpiece are so real and true. its not suga speaking nor is it agust d, this is min yoongi speaking of his internal conflict with the celebrity life, which is heartbreaking. on another note, the visuals of the mv are stunning and the ending--dont u just wanna go apeshit??? truly a great addition to the album!

Black Swan. sister black swan has been with us for a month-ish now? it still bumps. HARD. i blasted this to and from my drive to work to the point where i was scared if id get sick of the song but that didnt happen. the way how its hard to pinpoint when and where a member would sing/rap because they INTENTIONALLY wanted the voices to blend as if they were one body. this is the group’s narrative on how no matter how passionate one is on a certain craft, when they lose that drive, its like a death. and it is up to themselves to spark that love and interest once again. a very relatable story across various media, talents, skills, etc.

Filter. When I first heard that this was a jimin solo showcasing the many sides of Jimin, i thought that it was going to be a sad ballad to kind of follow the theme mots: 7 seemed to give off; thought that it would talk about how he has to force personas onto himself to appeal to the masses, but it is the complete opposite. Jimin is all the faces he puts on, he can be cute, sweet, and caring Jimin but he is also a sexy, flirty young man that can attract any living being. how he switches from falsettos to a lower register voice is beyond me, what a versatile one he is! <3

My Time. Moving onto jungkook’s solo, I knew the lyrics were going to be sad especially when it seems to compare himself to others his age. How he speaks about how fast time runs for him, how his childhood and current life is not of the average 22 year old (LIKE UM HERE I AM, SAME AGE AS JUNGKOOK AND IM NORMAL AF while he’s out here breaking records?? WOW). but the life of jungoo can be a bit overwhelming, completely understandable. I just want our boi JK to know that he can be himself and live freely despite such different circumstances. On another note, the groove of this track is so GOOD. it reminds me of Ari and ugh i LIVE for this jam

Louder Than Bombs. When the track started, I could totally tell Troye Sivan helped produce it, it has such a unique sound that only Troye would use. It sounds like this song would totally be on a movie soundtrack IDK WHY. like, i can picture it during an apocalypse movie sldkjg im not completely sure what the meaning is to the song (bc im big stupid) but i feel like its a track saying that no matter the struggles, they will continue to sing confidently, strongly, and wholly to us endlessly. beautiful, just beautiful.

ON. Moving on to the title track of MOTS: 7! I’m very picky about strong anthem-type songs but ON is actually p addicting HAHA There’s a background sound that repeats in the back that sounds like Sans from Undertale, aint that wild LMAO but anyways, the Manifesto Film was crazy good. The drums, the band, the breakdown of it all? UNBELIEVABLE. Also, JK’s vocals during the bridge? H O W. That breakdown tho...oof, that was amazing. They still dance with the thirst that rookie bts would and i think thats why ppl are so drawn to them no matter how many years pass. Fun fact: the choreographer of ON as well as Dionysus actually is from my city in Hawaii and we went to the same high school THATS WILD. the talent she holds!

UGH! Rap line ATE this shit, are we KIDDING. An ode to all the hate comments that we receive, u can see how fed up they are. They made POINTS and we all agree, its the damn law. The way how they opened up with a gunshot, we knew it was coming. Everyone joked about how we bout to hear some gunshots on this album, well they threw ALL of it on this track. Can i just say that Hobi’s verse tho? it hits different, it really do. When they went “ahem, ahem. ahem, ahem-ahem, YOUR AHEM. AHEM-AHEM--” OOOOOUGH i felt that shit!! god, imagine this in concert...the building aint ready!

0:00 (Zero O’ clock). Now we have the vocal line track, we knew they were bout to present some vocals. Great sound, slow and reflecting. Not the first track I’d listen to but it is a great listen. The lyrics tho get to me. The way how they comfort us and say that life can be rough but you can be happy. no matter what happens, with the turning of the clock to 0:00, its a brand new day and we can make the day better. what a powerful message that all of us need to hear once in a while. we will be happy guys, we deserve to be.

Inner Child. Tae’s solo which is a message to his young self. I expected a slow ballad filled with his warm vocals reminiscent of Winter Bear, 4 o’ clock, and Scenery but boi was I wrong. He has this sunset glow voice that wraps u so warmly and the sound is just so happy, pure, and innocent. Its a hopeful message to his younger self on how we will change and be the amazing person we want to or will be. I was sobbing at this song, I tell u. It was 2:00 am in the morning and I was sobbing into my pillow. Imagine comforting your past self that everything will be okay and to take ur hand, it will be all worth it in the end. When he sang “ur my boy, my boy, my boy, my boy!” Ugh...the tears!

Friends. When I heard this was a vmin duet expressing their friendship with each other, I knew it was going to be so emotional! I didn’t expect such a fun, poppy sound tho. They truly are soulmates, the love they have for each other is so wholesome and real, it truly exhibits the love I have for my friends--they’ve been with me through thick and thin, during happy and sad times; the amounts of serotonin they give me is just HHHH. The way how Tae and Jimin have been friends since high school until now is just ugh...we love it. Towards the end when they started singing “you are my soulmate!” towards each other, i started sobbing so hard because WOW. the shivers i felt, this song made me so happy and full!

Moon. Next we have Jin’s solo which is an ode to us army’s. And on another perspective, this is a song from the moon (jin) to the Earth (army)--i have tears in my eyes. The lyrics especially got me in a chokehold and made me sob, the way how he says that he will always be by our side no matter what, the same way how we are there for him...god. The chorus really gets to me, it feels so happy and thankful and I just want to tell Jin that I will forever follow him and the boys. They’ve been with me for years now and I will continue to support, love, and listen to them. Ily to the moon and back, our moon.

Respect. I didn’t expect a Namgi duet but HERE WE ARE. Goddd when i heard that i was SO EXCITE. They’ve known each other for +10 years now and they never miss the chance to tell everyone that they’ve been friends for that long. Not @ how they disliked each other at first but grew to be so mf close, to the point where their family. Ughhh, im so uwu rn. Im so happy, so so happy that Nams started it with AYO SUGA; i SCREAMED. Also, i heard that they recorded it in one take and i could see how much fun they had--especially considering that their rap styles are completely different. Even tho in the song they joke about not knowing what the word Respect means, we know...we just KNOW the high amounts of respect they have for each other. As they mentioned before, Yoon’s respects towards Nams’ leadership and care towards everyone and Nams’ respect towards Yoon’s love and passion for music and producing. Peak comedy is Yoongs overloading on autotune during his parts to the point where its intentional. Bless Namgi.

We are Bulletproof: The Eternal. I felt like a CLOWN when this track started. Like everyone, i thought we were going to have a third installment similar to that of the strong, hip-hop, gunshot-filled part 1 and 2 of we are bulletproof, but we were met with soft vocals and rap. The lyrics tho get to me. This truly was a song about their entire journey and i felt like I experienced all years with them. They’ve been through so much and the way how they sang “we are we are together/forever bulletproof!” They are proud of where they came from and it has stuck with them till now. They are such real people...i cry. ALSO the “We were only seven, but we have you all now.” Whenever i see pictures of their debut fanmeets/concerts vs now its just crazy. imagine singing as an entire being during concerts when they start “OOOOH OH OHH” im so immensely proud of the feats they’ve reached and im excited on what they do next! <3

Outro: Ego. The way how he started it with the fitness gram pacer test just like in previous albums, ugh what a throwback! this song is such a Hobi track, its fun, dance-inducing and its just so FEEL GOOD. the way how he switches flows and is capable of doing so is *chef’s kiss* the way how he speaks about the path he takes is difficult but he doesnt regret it...SOBS also the mv??? UGH SO CUTE. the flashbacks too;; i cry

ON (feat. Sia). With this track, there’s not much extra I can say, all my opinions still stand with the original track wit ot7. I jokingly told my friend that if Sia is gonna be on the track “hey nanana’ing” the same why Halsey was only “oh my my my’ing” i will ctfu. and...welp, that was what happened. I do love Sia tho so props to her!

Overall: I initially thought that MOTS: 7 was going to be a dark, ballad-filled album but it was anything but. It had so much fun songs, the lyrics are again, so deep and meaningful--it pulls at your heartstrings. It felt so raw, personal, emotional, and i love it in all its being. The boys will continue to amaze me no matter what they put out and i forever and endlessly will support and love them the same way they do for us. MOTS: 7 is a masterpiece and im in love

#trish speaks #map of the soul #7 #seven #mots #mots 7 #map of the soul 7 #bts #i do this as a tradition at this point from...maybe WINGS album #so idc if its just me rambling and being mf cringey i just needed a place to rant about good music and cool ppl lol #yall can ignore this dis just a thing for me to let out my emotions lmao #anyway imma go back to drawing haikyuu pretty setters

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turtleskane · 4 years

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50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked Before

i was tagged by @billycipher! Thank you 💛

What is the color of your hairbrush? to be honest i don’t own a hairbrush A food you never eat? enchiladas. i’ve never had a good experience with them Are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold What were you doing 45 minutes ago? finishing an essay that is due tonight What is your favorite candy bar? kitkats will forever have my heart but twix are a close second Have you ever been to a professional sports event? so many baseball games. my uncle used to be a pitcher in the minor leagues What is the last thing you said out loud? no idea? ive been writing the essay for way too long What is your favorite ice cream? honey cinnamon from my local ice cream shop. i miss it so much What was the last thing you had to drink? water. im gonna make myself a moscow mule soon though Do you like your wallet? i have nothing against it but its 6 years old What was the last thing you ate? some bomb ass pizza. my parents and i make it on the grill and fuck its good Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i don’t even know the last time i bought clothes The last sporting event you watched? i think my 13 year old cousins basketball game like 4 months ago? maybe What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? just salt and butter Who was the last person you sent a text message to? it was to the groupchat i have with my friends and i was complaining about the essay Ever go camping? all the time! i can’t wait to go this summer if things open up again Do you take vitamins? nope Do you go to church every Sunday? nahhhhhhhh Do you have a tan? never been able to tan, never will be able to Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? pizza. did you not read about my parents bomb ass pizza?? Do you drink your soda with a straw? well i don’t like soda and i don’t like straws so this question doesn’t make sense What color socks do you usually wear? black Do you ever drive above the speed limit? rarely What terrifies you? being in an authoritative/powerful position Look to your left, what do you see? im watching old concert videos of harry styles on my phone-my nights going great What chore do you hate? dusting. and its a good thing my apartment is super dusty What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? i dont think i understand this question. maybe like wow?? idk What’s your favorite soda? as ive stated before i dont like soda Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru 1000% Favorite cut of beef? like i have any idea of one single cut lol Who’s the last person you talked to? in person my mom, on the phone my roommate Last song you listened to? eternal summer by the strokes Last book you read? daisy jones and the six by taylor jenkins reid - i fucking love this book Favorite day of the week? if we’re talking productivity monday. i get so much done for some reason. if we’re talking laziness saturday Can you say the alphabet backwards? yes, i learned a song when i was in 3rd grade and i also worked in a library for 2 years How do you like your coffee? black if its a good cup of coffee. if its the shit my parents have then i need some cream to mask the taste Favorite pair of shoes? ones that fit. i have really weird feet so its hard to find ones that fit my feet At what time do you normally go to bed? between 9:30 and 10:30 At what time do you normally get up? anytime before 6:30 What do you prefer sunrise or sunsets? sunsets are prettier where i live, but im a sucker for waking up to the sunrise How many blankets are on your bed? only my comforter Describe your kitchen plates? white with little dots around the edge Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? if i wanna get drunk tequila, if im just hanging out moscow mule or the butte water from the trashy bar in my town. sounds nasty but its actually pretty good Do you play cards? so many games. i love a good game What color is your car? green. an ugly green Can you change a tire? yep. when you live in the middle of nowhere, you learn early What is your favorite state/providence? i love montana so much i dont think i could even say another state Favorite job you’ve ever had? ugh my barista job on campus is soo good. i miss working so much How did you get your biggest scar? in 5th grade i broke by arm and the doctor gave me a waterproof cast (im pretty sure they took these off the market because of me). it rubbed on my forearm so bad that it caused me to get a big cut. I then went into a pool because i didnt realize my arm was cut. anyways, weeks later i could finally get the cast off. when they took it off, they found i had a really bad infection. i had to wear a brace for an extra 6 weeks because of it and now i have a 4 inch scar running up my forearm. also my body likes to form really nasty scars. for example, a cut that might not scar on somebody else would be a huge scar on me. What did you do today that made someone else happy? i called my roommate to say that im going to be coming back to my apartment after 4 weeks of being at my parents house

i nominate @aninterestingsynonym and anybody else who wants to do it!

#thanks debora 💛#this was really fun

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klobsquad · 5 years

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If its clean, its Gronk

Warnings: Gronk spikes and tide pods

Word count:1694

Summary: a fantasy/horror/drama based completely on our experiences with Gronk’s cursed tide pod commercial

Notes We apologize in advance for what you’re about to read

i awake suddenly, sheer panic running through me. ripping the blanket off my body, the layer of sweat that lays on my skin is immediately hit with the frigid air of my room causing me to shiver. After a few moments, i start to realize where i am.

I'm in my living room on the couch. This is the first wink of sleep i've had in nearly 2 weeks. i think at least. time has started the run together after it, well, he, showed up. why haven't i slept? i've been too scared to let my guard down.

My phone lay broken, having thrown it against the wall several moons ago. Broken glass and piles of clothes are strewn throughout my apartment. Every electronic in my house has been either broken or hidden, yet somehow he’ll still manage to find me. i haven't left my apartment in weeks even though i ran out of food 4 days ago. I can't go to the store. I'm too afraid he'll be waiting at the end of the isle. I've been wearing the same outfit since it started, too scared to do even the most basic of household chores. doing laundry was banned a months back as an attempt to stop him.

The couch i lay on is pushed up hard against the wall, i'm laying on my side facing the back of the couch. the only electronic that hasn't been thrown out is my living room TV. I swear i've tried discarding it countless times, yet it keeps showing back up. The entire apartment, scratch that, city, is dead silent.

rumor has it, it started in new england, moving fast throughout the country. What started as random disappearances eventually became nationwide panic.

it wasn't long until he reached my home state of Texas. Most of the town had evacuated when the marks started showing up. Crater-like holes in the ground. 11 inches deep and 22 inches wide. The ground cracked and glowing around the marks, showing that he was getting somehow stronger.

Although I boarded up my windows when I caught wind that he was moving towards Texas, I still took a board down every so often. From my third floor apartment, I could see the marks starting to fill the town. He marked his territory right after he struck. Entire families disappeared at a time. Only once was a survivor found. She was found in the same clothing she was wearing when she went missing though they were suspiciously clean, almost as if they'd been washed then returned. She spoke in a hurried whisper, as if he was still watching her. Rumors soon filled the streets quicker than his markings. Apparently after her interrogation she was left alone in a cell at the local jail. When the officer came to retrieve her for more questioning, she had scribbled the number "87" and "bands a make her dance" on every square inch of the cell. Investigator after investigator was brought in, yet none of them could decipher what it meant. After three days of questioning, the only valuable thing they got out of her was a description of him. He was large, solid, his muscles constantly glistening. He towered over everyone, though he wasn't intimidating, the exact opposite actually. He had a boyish charm, soft brown eyes and youthful smile. Apparently he loves to dance, frequently droppin' it low and booty poppin' on them haters. Most notably was his hands. In her words they were "damn near leviathan. I never knew someone could have hands like that. It ain't normal. I'd be lying if it wasn't hot though.". The police were immediately on even higher alert. With such a specific description, it couldn't be hard to find him right? Wrong. She forgot to mention one detail. His speed. For a man of his size, he's unusually nimble.

I snap back to reality at the sound of the metal entrance door 3 floors below me opening and closing. My heart pounding. "Maybe it's just the neighbor" I tried to tell myself, though deep down I knew it wasn't. Even if they hadn't evacuated with everyone else, there's no way Mr. dolly, an 96 year old war vet could open and slam that door with such little effort. my gut and my head were at war. My gut was telling me it was him, the man I spent months hiding from. Yet my head was trying to come up with any other possibility. They were coming up the stairs, fast. I was paralyzed. Still laying on the couch, i covered my head with the fleece red sox blanket I got last Christmas, before this all started.

*BANG* *BANG*

They were knocking. I could barely hear the pounding on the door over my racing heart. Seconds feel like hours, waiting for the sound to stop, for whoever it is to go away.

After what feels like an eternity, the pounding stops. I exhale for the first time in minutes. Moments later a loud scraping sound fills the room.

He's here and he's removed the door.

There was nothing besides me and my red sox blanket separating us both. His presence sent chills down my spine. I could feel him standing in the corner of the room.

He was waiting for something.

*click*

The dim light of the TV immediately filled the dark room. I open my eyes suddenly as patterns of colored light dance off the walls. He's still waiting, but he keeps going back to the hall he came from. Almost as if he's loading something into my apartment. Suddenly the room goes yellow and orange. He gets into position. I turn around slowly, not knowing what to will be waiting on me when I turn around.

There he is, in all his glory. The survivor described him perfectly. He was dressed in a fitted grey tank top, joggers, and sneakers. He was oddly handsome given the circumstances. Unmarked boxes were stacked floor to ceiling, covering ever surface. One box, the one closest to him is open. He grabs a handful of whatever is in the box.

I'm frozen. Horrified.

The tv shows a laundry room.

He looks at me intently, his boyish smile shining full force in the low light.

It's time.

"Hi! Welcome to tide pods talk with Gronk. I'm Gronk. I'm big, *flex* and awesome. But this guy-" he chucks a fist full of tide pods at my body. I'm utterly speechless. "-Is little, can it really clean?". He rips the doors off my linen closet, scooping every single piece of laundry up in one scoop, even the clothes I'm wearing. Opening the washer, he throws the clothing in with a loud boom before dropping a couple Tide Pods™️ into the load. Im left sitting on the couch, ass naked, as the New England Patriots Tight End does my laundry.

He resumes his spot at the corner of my living room. Staring blankly at me as we both wait for the washer to finish its cycle.

45 minutes of silence later, the washer pings signaling the end of the wash. He once again grabs the entire load of laundry in one incredibly toned arm, spiking it into the dryer like it's a ball into the end zone. He spots my stained patriots jersey in the load. Pulling it out, he slips me a note then once again goes back to the spot in the corner. I'm still naked.

Clearing his throat, he make gesture with his hands I take it as a cue to open the note. It reads "ask Gronk if Tide Pods™️ really clean" in very messy handwriting that I'm pretty sure is done in crayon.

I'm once again stunned. He holds up the jersey. My once beer and chicken wing stained jersey is now completely clean. He makes another gesture, prompting me to speak this time. "D-do Tide Pods™️ really clean?" Im shaking at this point, not because I'm nervous, but because it's 68° outside and I'm still naked. With the enthusiasm of a kid on a sugar high, he answers the age old question I just asked. "Heck yeah they do!" His eyes twinkling as he speaks.

The boards blast off my windows. Rainbow light streams into the room. I’m still naked. The missing people immediately flood the streets. He's smiling again, and you guessed it, I'm still naked. A chorus of cheers fills the streets "You saved us! We were stuck in the realm of stained laundry! Bless you!" A tear runs down his cheek as he falls to his knees. "I've been searching for you, thou chosen one. If you may take me, I ask for you hand in marriage. Together we can continue to bring stain free clothing to people across the land!" The crowd outside cheers, completely ignoring the fact homie refuses to give me any clothing. Instead he whips out a ring, and by ring I mean a ring pop band with a Tide Pod™️ hot glued to the top. He slips it on my finger before I can respond. I'm soon being twirled in a blinding golden light. I emerge, fully clothed in a ball gown made completely out of Tide Pods™️. He picks me up bridal style and runs out to the hallway before quickly bounding down the stairs four at a time. In the way down I look at my ring. After not eating for days it looks surprisingly tasty. Bringing my left hand up to my face, he stops dead in his tracks and drops me. My cat like reflexes come into play and I land on my feet, breaking both my legs after falling from such a height. Somehow I'm still standing, the power of Tide Pods™️ holding me up. I immediately pop the ring into my mouth and before chewing. The detergent rolls down my chin. His screams fill the room as he realizes what I've done. "How could you do this to me?!" I look up, like really far up because I’m literally 5’0”, and meet his eyes. I match his boyish smile from earlier, though this time my smile is filled with detergent.

"What can I say? I'm Gen Z."

#🤠#we apologize #fics #gronk #rob gronkowski #new england patriots #patriots #nfl #highkey a cursed post #tide pods #oof

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ohmcrvel · 6 years

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Good Luck With Her

Good Luck With Her Pt 1 Pt 2

masterlist

Hello Loves 💖! IM BACK OMG ! So I’ve been trying to get rid of my writing block for months now and apparently my writing block has come out of tumblr and is now on wattpad so I’ll probably not be updating on there for a while ( sorry neve)! I hope you enjoy this story and if possible please go check out my wattpad @wckdseb and give my stories some love ! Love you guys eternally! Also happy birthday to the love of my life Sebastian, you’ve helped me through the days I thought I should give up so I thank you more than I can ever explain.

-L ☕️

Summary : people say long distance relationships are hard, you would definitely agree, and after your boyfriend of 10 years cheats on you, you are left wondering if that crush on your team member Bucky was actually just your subconscious telling you where your heart actually belongs.

Note: This is a product of months of writing block, my ex cheating on me, and the amazing song Cardi b Thru your Phone

Pairings: Bucky x Reader, avengers x reader

Warnings: I haven’t written in ages this is shit! angst, a lottttt of swearing, cheating ass dicks, fluff, mentions of sex/sexual activities

———————————————

people say long distance relationships are hard, you would definitely agree. You have been with you boyfriend Daniel, ‘Dan’, ever since you were both just silly seventeen-year-olds begging to leave high school together as soon as possible so your adventures could begin but now, that adventure was coming to an abrupt end.

Throughout your nearly 10 year on and off relationship you’ve both been told “your not experiencing the world”, “how do you know you truly love each other” and “ she’ll/he’ll cheat on you when you’re not around.” And many more horrible things but you two didn’t let that stop your love.

That didn’t mean you two didn’t end it sometimes , their was that 3 year break for uni (minus the drunken hookups) so you too could discover yourself, their was the 2 years you did work experience at a marine biology research lab, where he ended up becoming a security guard without even knowing you worked there and that was where you gained your powers and were being helped by you boss so you couldn’t just leave. Don’t forget their was all the blind dates you were set up on which every time turned out to be him, so it just felt like you could never escape each other so the relationship carried on, but now, 4 years later, it’s even more complicated.

After a freak accident in you lab one night you were ‘blessed’ with the ability to control the element of water, that wasn’t in the description of your marine biology degree though, your boss whose wife was born with a similar gift offered to help you and later was the one who introduced you to the one and only nick fury after your powers needed a more professional approach.

So here you are now, 10 years later from once being seventeen, sat around a marble table surrounded by a team of superhero’s eating spaghetti like six-year-olds and everything seemed good, but not for long.

Last week was your high school best friend Jenny’s birthday party but sadly you were too busy with a mission to go, so instead of the 15 hours plane ride straight after a 3 day mission in Russia your other best friend Neveah sent videos and photos of parts of the night so you could see what you were missing. As everyone talked and laughed you placed your phone in you hand with a on EarPod in one ear smiling at all you high school friends dancing and smiling at the camera saying stupid jokes about you throughout, your laughs soon caught the attention of the team who ended up watching your drunk friends with you laughing along, but the laughter was soon cut short by Sam yelling,

“what the fuck is he doing!” He screams angrily as he grabs your phone pausing the video and zooming in, Bucky and Wanda had gone over to look at what he was yelling at and soon Wandas eyes turned ruby red and Buckys fists clenched

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” His voice turned cold and his eyes swirling with rage.

While everyone was trying to calm the three down you managed to get your phone back and your eyes raced across the screen only to be greeted by your boyfriend making out with Jenny, your best friend. Suddenly everything in your life went silent and you lost all ability to function, your body fell back into your chair and the glass of water in your other hand smashed against the tiled floor, you hastily scurried up to your feet and pushed your way through the teams bodies, you began hurrying into the corridor to your bedroom, faint shouts of your name were blocked out by what you think were your tears as your wooden door slammed shut and your body slid down it .

“Miss (y/l/n), you’re in distress, shall I get help.” F.R.I.D.A.Y’s voice broke the tear-filled air.

“No...no F.R.I.D.A.Y don’t le- don’t let anybody in, please.” Your voice no longer cheerful but now breaking and blocked by tears and as you hand shook your now tear stained cheeks glowed in the screen light and your weak fingers scrolled through your contacts to find that dicks name.

You lifted yourself of the ground and placed yourself on the bed as your phone dialled, your friends waited outside the door, Bucky angrily pacing down the corridor as his anger boiled up inside, while everyone just waited to hear him pick up, and well, he did.

“Hey (y/n) ! I just got back from a shift you alri-“Dan’s cheerful voice was soon cut off by a loud sob.

“Ho- how could you.” Pain and hurt was all Bucky and everyone else could hear in your voice as they sat in the corridor snooping into the conversation like teens, wanting to make sure that asshole didn’t hurt you even more.

“Babe wha-“ Bucky scoffed at his nickname, you always hated being called that but you put up with it for him.

“Don’t fucking call me that.” You snapped back at him.

“Okay okay, (y/n) I just need you to calm down I think you having another anxiety attack.” He pleaded with innocence, nearly causing Nat to jump on a plane to snap his neck.

“I’m not having an anxiety attack you dickshit! This is just the effects of finding out your boyfriend of TEN FUCKING YEARS HAS BEEN NECKING ON WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND” you screamed down the phone as the speaker button flickered white in the darkness, all the pain in your heart begin pouring out like a waterfall.

“Babe...I um...I” Lost for words was all anybody would describe what was happening right and it wasn’t good.

“So now you’re lost for words? Bet you’ve been saying a lot of nice shit to Jenny haven’t you? Oh wait your tongue has been too busy down her fucking throat.” Tony couldn’t help silently chuckle at his gals response, he’d taught her well when it comes to dealing with assholes.

“It’s not like that, you don’t understand.” He pleaded, wanting her just to breathe and let him explain.

“Then fucking explain it to me Daniel! Enlighten me with your amazing knowledge.” Sarcasm dripping towards the end of your sentence as you began sorting through your wardrobe and throwing all his hoodies and gifts he gave you onto the floor so that every trace of him was no longer in your life.

“ i know I know I just don’t know where to begin.” Dans head was full of confusion on how you found out but that wasn’t a good enough reason.

“Where to begin ? Maybe begin by telling me if this was a one time thing or have you been fucking my best friend since we were seventeen.” Your heart was rapidly beating with fear and anxiety as you wondered if your whole relationship had been one massive coverup and lie, you wanted to sound scary and intimidating but every time you spoke your voice just turned into a sob of tears.

“It’s been going on for nearly 4 years” and that’s when your heart fully broke and the team sat out side all look at each other in shock at disgust.

“4 years, 4 bloody years.” You whispered as you hastily grabbed and sat in your chair, looking out at the New York skyline as the room began to spin.

“So you’re telling me that you, Daniel River Fucking Brown was cheating on me with my best friend when I was kidnapped by FUCKING HYDRA!” You voice was more filled with sadness than anything as you hand slammed into your table knocking over the picture frame of you too at prom, the whole team heard the shatter of glass and Bucky was so tempted to go in there and wrap in his arms until this nightmare ended.

The memories of the beginning of those four years hurt more then anything due to the fact after the first couple months you joined the avengers your powers had increased beyond belief, you could now control all the elements and were commonly known by the world as Gardien du Ciel or Sky Guardian and it caused you to became a high priority for hydra, and soon you became their prisoner for nearly a year after they took you while you were on your way to visit Dan for your anniversary.

“Yes, yes I am.” His voice was soft and quite now, like he was embarrassed or something.

“After you were taken I was messed up, I was already struggling without you by my side while you were in New York but now you could never come back due to Hydra And i was struggling to live” the whole team brewed with anger as he tried to play victim without even knowing that they already knew the whole truth.

“One night a couple of months after you were taken I got into really bad place, and Jenny came round when she thought something was wrong because I missed work. We ended up talking for hours everyday for weeks and one night one thing lead to another and it’s been happening ever since, she just wanted to comfort me.” He hastily finished explaining like he just wanted this conversation to be over because he couldn’t be bother to keep lying.

“Bullshit.” Was all you responded with

“What.” He questioned with slight anger

“It’s a bullshit excuse, that’s what that is, the whole time i was taken I know you did jack shit, you never called my team when I missed are anniversary dinner, Tony had to call you to tell you I was missing and he was on the other side of the world! My friends told me how you went partying every Saturday like usual, they told me you never came to the searches and light ceremonies they held, you did fucking nothing Daniel! The people I was captured by showed me the news reports and you were never there Daniel! You never were, and I’m tired of pretending like it didn’t hurt!” You could hear your heart breaking through every word as the flashbacks of those 11 months tortured your brain.

“I just couldn’t deal with it.” Was all he responded with

“And you think I could ? You think I was doing just fine getting tortured and abused? Because I wasn’t !” This whole event finally made you realise that you haven’t even been in love with this asshole these pass 4 years and you were tired of faking it.

“I know (y/n) I know !” His voice full of anger now like you were the one in the wrong

“How the fuck would you know? You didn’t even see me in hospital after I was rescued? Bucky was the first one there and was by my side every night through the coma and after while you where partying and fucking Jenny!” Your heart flutter at the memories of hearing his voice everyday until you woke up from that coma and he smiled at the fact you remembered he was even there.

“Oh god don’t bring Bucky Into this.” He groaned with disrespect

“What on earth is that suppose to mean.” You snapped back with disgust

“You know what I mean (y/n), the whole time you’ve been at that tower I’ve seen and heard the way you felt about him” Dans voice was laced in hate with every word he spoke while the team all seemed to look a Bucky with “we all already knew” looks while his face was full of shock.

“Daniel we talked about this last time I was in London, I told you about me feelings for bucky because I wanted their to be trust in are relationship, but I guess you don’t know what trust is, and i think these past 4 years of me growing to love that man was my heart and subconscious telling me that I don’t love your stupid ass at all and I just need my best friend and the man I’m Truly in love with as the guy by my side not the guy who I fucked at prom and only lasted five fucking seconds.” And with that final comment your hung up, falling back into the bed you just cried yourself asleep, not knowing that your team had just heard the whole thing, including Bucky hearing your confession of liking him.

Pt 2 coming tomorrow 💞💞

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antiloreolympus · 3 years

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7 Anti LO Asks

1. tbh the fact rachel purposely didnt let persephone have any romantic relationships before hades gives the impression that had persephone had any other experience, she'd see right through him and not want him because she had better. not having any other point of reference isnt good. its setting up that hades can get away with whatever he wants because she doesnt know anything else. thats really not a healthy dynamic to have even while dating, much less eternal marriage.

2. You know what’s weird? How Hades is a 2000+ year old being and still has not gone through his trauma. We know that he was eaten by Kronos when he was around 8 and stayed there for like 13 years if i’m correct (in the LO version), so we can assume that when he got out he was in his early to mid twenties. And then he fought in the war which we don’t know how long it was in LO bc there’s no info on that at all but let’s assume that that lasted 100 years.. he’s still pretty young there. So how is it that he’s only now getting help for his traumas? Which we don’t even see actually, it’s just a sentence said by him when he adopts the little dog. We don’t even know how old he actually is bc it’s always assumed it’s 2000+ but 2000+ years old could mean 2030 years old or 2999 years old or even 3000 and more and he has just lost track of time. All of these years and he still has not processed or made any progress?? At all?! Unless therapists are a new thing in the Underworld but we have Chiron who says that she was a physician in the old world but got tired of it so she decided to study the human mind. And that must have been quite some time ago. So why exactly is Hades a 2000+ broken man who needs to be fixed by a 19 year old going through her own trauma?

3. The underworld being an infertile world doesn’t make sense at all. If we compare the underworld with the underground it’s a fact that where there’s decay if is more fertile. Not to mention that in the myths the underworld is in fact considered a fertile land. We know that the underworld is full of souls, and souls are considered what give life to a body or place, so the underworld being a desert still doesn’t make sense at all.

4.If I may also add, just because LO is a “retelling” doesn’t mean it doesn’t harm Greece or Greek people. They still exist, funnily enough, they didn’t all die once Alexander the Great stop conquering. They’re a country full of strong, passionate people who have gone and are still going through massive problems and hardships. They are also a country who are still, at best, ignored, or at worst, mocked for the suffering they must endure by nations that are far from economic instability and from actual war zones like Greece is. Despite all that, their mythos are seen with great reverence to this day, and they don’t “gatekeep” it, you can ask any Greek in here and they’ll tell you they enjoy stuff like the Disney version or PJO just fine, but you have to stop and wonder why LO is a Greek myth product that is almost universally despised to Greeks who know it exists.

It’s pretty obvious why, RS not only butchers the myths completely to where they don’t even resemble what they once were, but her constantly silencing and badmouthing actual Greeks who want to help her make it more accurate is not a great look. She’s acting as if she, a white woman from an island made of literal England reject descendants, somehow not only knows more about Greek myth than actual Greeks, but that she OWNS the mythology and she can do whatever she wants with it, and only those who agree to her biases know what they’re talking about while everyone else is wrong, so obviously Greeks don’t know Greek mythology! Even media products in the same, non-Greek realm as her get her ire. Case in point, we know she’s hostile to PJO, she badmouths the Disney movie all the time, she complained about Blood of Zeus (emphasize on ZEUS) didn’t revolve around HxP, and despite them being heavily promoted by her own employers, she never speaks of Punderworld or HxP ficlets, even when her fans harass them and in Ficlets case purposely got them kicked off Canvas for “copying” LO, meanwhile she will happily promote OSP because they confirm her biases and kissed her butt in their HxP video. What does this tell us? Because it doesn’t seem very nice.

Of course she’s allowed as a creator to play with the mythology as she wants, but even then there are still limits to adhere to, and she never does it because obviously her half-baked concept of the “mythology” is way better than the 3000+ years of texts and interpretations out there. Sure she has people flinging themselves at her to offer her help for free, especially Greeks and academics, but what would they know over her, the self proclaimed master of mythology itself? Obviously she created it all in 2016 when she decided to draw a sexy pink girl and that’s it. Greece and everyone else was just using a fake version this whole time!

It seems from her POV, Greece ands its citizens are, in her own words “haters” who apparently know less about Greece and its own mythology than her, a white woman who uses a fanfic-writing white supremacist as a main source. The ego on this woman is astonishing.

5. May I also add to the age discourse, something like Edward and Bella can get away with it because Edward stopped aging physically, mentally, and emotionally at 17, and even in story there is a logic to them still going to HighSchool after all this time. He may be 117 age wise, but he’s at the same exact level as Bella in every other regard. That doesn’t excuse his creepy actions, of course, but there is in canon logic to it to justify it and make sense.

I’d say LO could use this too, but tbh it wouldn’t work. Either it’d involve making a CEO king as immature and childish as a 19 year old (not great) or it’d have a 19 year old suddenly be way wiser beyond her years which wouldn’t make much narrative sense, but also has some really creepy implications to it. Anyway RS dug herself into a stupid hole and doesn’t know how to get out of it.

6. im in the same boat 😭 i was watching one of those LO critique videos you posted and they were showing panels from early on and i just thought "they photoshopped this, right? theres no way it looked this bad. they're just goofing around with this" and nope, that's exactly how they looked the video didnt change a thing. the bright colors really were distracting your eyes from seeing how bad it looked.

7. Correct me if i’m wrong but in one of the first few episodes wasn’t Hades annoyed with Persephone? Especially at the panel where she wanted to drive his car? Like nothing has really changed in her behaviour with him apart from her being more flirty, but the only change is that Hades started viewing her more sexually. Always thinking about her breasts and butt, and nothing else. Half the time he was thinking about her, he wouldn’t even think of her face. So how exactly is their relationship a romantic and lovely one?

#anti lo art #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical #anti lo

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stitches-for-solo · 5 years

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“You’d Be Surprised What You Can Live Through”

Personal story below the cut, but it’d be cool if you read it, ‘cause it’s really important to me, and I’m pretty proud of it. I just don’t want to fill up anyone’s Dashboard with a wall of text.

A few years ago, I was driving down one of the main streets in the town I live in. I still even remember what plaza I was passing. I’m not sure where I was coming from, but it was probably a bar. I had tried to get sober after my ex and I split (the first time), and I did okay for a few months, but at that moment in time, I was starting to slip. A beer here or there with my ex (who had the audacity to repeatedly ask me to meet him at a bar we used to frequent), or I would go out by myself a lot on nights I knew he was with another woman he was seeing. He wouldn’t admit to it at the time, but that’s not the point of this story. I was enjoying going out by myself, and it was beginning to become a more frequent occurrence. Anyway, I just remember where I was, and that it was late, because I was listening to “Loveline” on the radio.

A man called in and asked Dr. Drew a question — I don’t really recall the details, but I do know he shared that he was an addict. I believe he had some concerns about his sex drive, which had been low since he had gotten clean. Dr. Drew asked how long he had been sober, and the man replied “17 months and [x] days”. Dr. Drew congratulated him, and made a comment about when you know down to the day how long it’s been since you’ve used/drank, you’re probably pretty serious about your recovery.

I remember hearing this, and my heart just sinking into my stomach. 17 months seemed like an ETERNITY, and I knew I’d be six feet under long before I could ever achieve that. I had only managed 3 or 4 months, and I was already secretly falling back into old habits, and worse still, making new ones. I had only tried to quit drinking because of the infamous “I refuse to date an alcoholic” line my ex dropped on me when he initially dumped me. We did briefly reconcile after I had managed to stay away from a drink for maybe 2 months, but it didn’t last, and with my only motivation gone, neither did my short-lived sobriety. I was failing, and I knew it. I felt doomed. I had tried telling myself I was still doing good, because I wasn’t drinking every night, and I wasn’t drinking alone at home. I had total control over it, and I’d never go back to the way I was — drinking in excess every night and trying (and succeeding for quite a while) at keeping it all hidden. I was fine. I just needed self control.

Except that was total bullshit, and deep down I knew it. 17 dry months would never be in my future, mainly because I didn’t want it to be, especially since I was a single adult and didn’t have to listen or justify my drinking and risky behavior to anyone. I was doing what I wanted, fuck the consequences. In my mind, if he was gonna keep seeing that homewrecking whore, I was gonna keep drinking. It sounds ludicrous, but sometimes I dressed up all cute (or attempted to be sexy and alluring), and went out to spite him. That wasn’t the only reason I drank again, but if he wasn’t a factor, I would have just stayed home most nights, drank alone in my pajamas when I felt like it, and only go out when I wanted the ego boost of catching someone’s eye in a bar/restaurant or having them buy me a drink. Of course this was the complete opposite of logical, because he didn’t give a flying fuck what I did. We would meet up at a bar, after he dumped me for my drinking and refusal to get help, ffs.

I continued to backslide until it was like nothing changed at all. I eventually ended up in (and getting thrown out of) rehab after some mental and physical health scares, but again, it didn’t last. I drank myself out of another relationship, out of chances with my ex, out of two jobs, into a DUI, and into the hospital several times before it was either quit or die. I’d been right all along. 17 months wasn’t in my future.

Except.. today (yesterday technically, since it’s after midnight) is 17 months.

When I look back at the utter insanity I was living in, it’s almost incomprehensible what I went through and what I lived through. It feels like a few months, at best, but now I’m 30 days away from a year and a half. Holy shit.

My life is far from perfect. I’d change more things than I’d keep the same, if I’m being honest. And although I do have some self control, I can’t say I don’t think about alcohol — a lot. I have cravings; I’m only human. And I can’t say I don’t have some bad habits to kick (some of which could be said to be a replacement for alcohol, but I know what I need to do). And I can never say that I’ll one day recover completely and no longer be an addict. That’s just not how it works. What I CAN say is that, even though my life feels like it’s been decimated by being hit by a train, it’s so goddamn easy to forget how bad it actually was. That’s something I need to work on — remembering the bad things so the temptation to go back isn’t so strong. And I guess I’ll end with this — I know I complain a lot, and this process hasn’t been at all what I was expecting, however, I am so glad I didn’t die on that couch.

Oh, and can anyone guess what movie the quote in the title of this post is from?

#Sobriety #Alcoholism #Mental Health #17 Months #Go Me #Personal

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ibelieveinahappilyeverafter · 6 years

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Your Words On My Skin - Chapter 4

Bonjour, mes chers! Sorry for such a long pause between these updates. Real life decided to sneak it's way back in and let's just say it's not going down without a fight.

AO3 FFN

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Summary: Danny Fenton was born with writing on his arms that proved he had a soulmate out there for him that was much, much older than his parents were comfortable with. The result was his skin being covered as much as possible and Danny warned that he shouldn’t look at the words or write any back. Danny has always been a little bit curious as to who his soulmate was, but he never thought on how curious his soulmate was about him.

<<First Chapter>><<Last Chapter>><<Next Chapter>>

Chapter Four

“Fuck.” That seemed to be the only word possible to accurately describe Danny’s feelings as he stared at his arm where all of Andrew’s words had been cleaned away and replaced with a question that made him feel like his heart was being stabbed.

He had woken up and expected to see a ‘good morning’ or a new story idea that Andrew had scribbled down in the middle of the night - day? - and instead he was greeted with a heaping amount of guilt and irrational anger that it would be so much easier to explain all of this if Andrew had a phone. Right, okay, shower first and then brushing his teeth and then explaining why they had the worst luck ever when it came to soulmates. That was a good plan. Right… Explaining…

He could explain all of this, couldn’t he? It was pretty simple when he laid it all out neatly. He had just stayed quiet because words had appeared the moment he was born, and his parents had terrified him into never even looking at his skin. Right. Easy.

“Time to get up for school, Danny.” Hearing the knock on his door, Danny looked up as Jazz peeked into the room. Judging by her expression, Danny’s expression was even worse than hers. “Soulmate troubles or ghost troubles?”

“He just asked me why I never wrote back.” It seemed to take a moment for Jazz to understand what he meant, but when she did she gave a wince. “How do I even- I can’t- He doesn’t have a phone.”

“Okay, okay, don’t panic. Hey, it’s okay, we’ll figure this out.” Thank whatever fucked up deity was out there for taking pity on Danny and giving him a great big sister. “Has he written anything else, yet?”

“No, and he erased everything else, too.” Danny moved over as Jazz sat down beside him, chewing on her lip and, okay, good, she was thinking. Maybe she would think of a plan to get Danny out of this mess. “What do I say?”

“Well… There’s always explaining to him the truth. Does he know how old you are, yet?” Yes- No. Maybe? Danny couldn’t remember if he had ever actually mentioned his age. “That’s a no, then.”

“He might know. Maybe- Possibly.” He… He probably knew. Nn. “Okay, so, maybe he doesn’t, but does that really change anything?”

“Danny, that could change everything, and you know that.” Yeah, but… He didn’t want it to change everything. “I know your situation is difficult, but if you want it to work, then you need to communicate with each other.”

“Mhm, yeah, so, hey, can I get big sister Jazz back, please?” Therapist Jasmine made him feel bad about his life choices.

“Write to him, explain what’s going on, and if you need to then dump him.” Well, besides that last part, it was a pretty solid plan. “ You should probably take a shower first, though. You have school today.”

“Right- Yeah, that first, but, yeah.” Sliding out of bed, Danny quickly drew Jazz into a hug. “Thanks, Jazz.”

“No problem, Danny. Now go fix things so you don’t sit around here moping.” He hadn’t been- Okay, so he had been moping a little. He was good now, though! So good. Right. Shower and then talk.

Rushing through his morning routine more than a little, Danny was soon sitting on his bed in a tank top and staring at his clean arms before forcing out a sigh and uncapping his pen. “Alright, Andrew… I hope you don’t hate me for this.” If his soulmate was decades older than him, then… Well. He was about to be in for a very nasty shock.

Still. After everything the least Andrew deserved was the truth- Danny had been through fifteen years of silence, too, but his probably hadn’t caused the pain that it had to Andrew.

Danny made sure to not make any of it sound like an excuse as he wrote, because, well, he was just as much at fault as his parents were, really. Danny had put his soulmate through fifteen years of silence because he had been too scared to look at what might - or might not - be there. This- This was just as much his fault as it was theirs. All of it.

It took a lot of small writing and a lot of awkward twisting, but Danny eventually managed to explain everything. He explained about his parents, and how words began appearing when he was just born, and how he was scared to look because his parents made it seem like he just didn’t have a soulmate, and if he never looked, then it couldn’t be proven true, right?

He made sure to tell Andrew that he was fifteen, sixteen in April, and was currently a Sophomore at a high school in Amity Park, Illinois. He talked more about his friends, his sister, and- Well, he may have left his last name out. Andrew might not ‘believe in technology,’ but if he lived close enough then Danny didn’t want him to know that he was ‘one of those crazy Fentons.’

‘So yeah it kind of built up a lot over the years since the moment I was born really and it built and built and I know it’s not an excuse but for what its worth Im so so so sorry Andrew.’

It felt like an eternity before Danny began to see words written in purple pen that was squeezed in on his upper right thigh. ‘I suppose that would explain a lot.’ For some reason, Danny had a feeling that Andrew was very, very shocked by everything.

‘Im mature for my age?’ Jokes. Jokes would help. Right? Hopefully? Maybe? A moment passed by and the words were then viciously crossed out with the purple pen, and, right, Andrew was probably panicking a little bit. ‘Deep breaths??’

‘Is it too much to ask for some time to think?’ That- That was fine, honestly, because Danny sure as hell would want time to think- Hell, he had needed time to think after what his parents told him.

‘Take all the time you need Andrew Ill still be here’ A few seconds passed, and Danny couldn’t help but grin as he saw a few hearts doodled around what he had written down. Danny made sure to draw a few of his own before capping his pen and collapsing on his bed with a tired sigh.

That… It hadn’t gone bad, at least? Granted there were probably places he could have explained a little better, but overall it seemed like Andrew accepted it okay.

“At least it can’t get any more dramatic to-” A wisp of blue escaped out of his mouth and Danny groaned as he rolled over to smother his face into his blankets and why today of all days! Right, okay, time to go be a hero-

Ooh. He could work off some aggression depending on who it was… “Come and face me, whelp! Let the true hunt finally begin!”

“Oh, that is just perfect.” There was nothing for stress relief like bashing in a tin can a couple hundred times. Besides, Danny didn’t even have to feel guilt where Skulker’s suit, was, well, a suit.

Besides, it would be a nice distraction until Andrew wrote him back.

“Fifteen. He’s fifteen. My soulmate is fifteen-years-old- Randy, he’s fifteen-years-old.” Instead of looking appropriately horrified, Randy only stared at him before slowly raising his eyebrows in a rather insulting manner. “He’s fifteen.”

“You know, funnily enough, I figured that out myself when you woke me up screaming about how your soulmate was fifteen.” That- Andrew hadn’t been screaming, he had been… He had been loudly panicking, was all.

“Randy, my mate- Danny is fifteen and I’m- I’m-” He wasn’t even sure how old he was, right now! Fifty? Probably fifty- Actually, it might have been the late forties. Maybe. Somewhere in that age range, at least- He was old. “I’m a horrible, selfish, loathsome, despicable-”

“Would telling you to calm down do anything besides earn me a punch?” Turning to glare at his idiot brother who was not at all taking this matter seriously, Andrew looked around for whatever was closest that could be used as a weapon. “You’re not horrible. It’s not like you can control how old your mate is, Andy.”

“Yes, yes, I know, but he’s fifteen, Randy. That- That’s hardly anything!” Andrew remembered what they were like when they were fifteen and it was, well, it wasn’t the best. God, he had been alive perhaps longer than his mate’s parents had been alive. Oh, dear, that was such a horrible thought.

“If it helps, you’re technically twenty-two and, as far as we know, you won’t be aging again. That leaves Danny plenty of time to catch up to you, yeah?” Right- Right. Plenty of time to catch up and pass him and become even older than him and then Andrew would be the one so much younger and-

“That’s worse. That’s so much worse, Randy.” Because finding out he had been alive longer than his mate was one thing, but finding out that his mate would live, grow older, and die, and that Andrew would be left behind and forced to continue- Worse. Very, very much worse. “Please stop helping to make it worse.”

“Look, you two aren’t going to be solving anything by worrying and fretting and avoiding the important questions. You finally asked him why he never wrote back and now you know - which, really, this is a much better option than a sadistic, sociopath of a mate.”

“Yes, yes, I suppose you would be right, except that makes me the sadistic, sociopathic mate!” God, Danny would never want him once he found out his age- As well as a ghost? If that didn’t drive him off than the fact Andrew was a former assassin would. “Perhaps I can shift reality-”

“No using reality shifting powers to solve your relationship problems!” Making sure to be as petty as possible, Andrew collapsed onto the couch Randy was on and did his best to sit on the man’s arm. “Andy, c’mon, you’re a writer. You’re good with words. You two will find a way to work this out.”

“Yes, but- Oh, hold on.” Danny’s words from before had been messily scrubbed away recently, Andrew seeing a faint imprint of the explanation that he had been seeking for years. What was left behind had Andrew’s blood- Heart- Fuck.

“What is it? Did he ask you why you don’t believe in technology again? Or maybe- Oh.” There, written on his skin in words that were written too fast and too small, was a question that might damn it all.

‘how old are you??’ It should have been a simple question that would be easy to respond to, but- But if he said twenty-two, then Danny would be suspicious and think he was lying, now. If he said his true age, however, then Danny might never want to talk to him again because he was older than his parents, probably.

“Any idea how to answer that one, then?” Mm, yes, see, now- Now that was the question of the day. How to answer this without driving Danny off. “Maybe if you just stretch the truth for a little bit-”

“Randall.” Andrew glared over to where Randy had his hands raised peacefully. “I am not going to lie to my soulmate about my age of all things! I don’t want to lie to him period!” Which, okay, the technology thing had broken that a little, but- But he only said that, so he didn’t lie to Danny further! Yes, okay, alright, he hadn’t exactly been honest with Danny about some things, but he had never lied about anything too important! He had just neglected to mention a few key points of who he was.

‘I suppose you would want to know- Don’t you have school this morning?’ Ignoring Randy’s snorting noise that was supposed to be laughter, Andrew sighed in relief when he saw swears scribbled out before Danny stopped writing.

“So, your plan is to distract him, instead?” Yes, well, it wasn’t a very bad plan, now was it? It had worked, after all! “He’ll ask you again eventually, you know. Especially when he doesn’t see an answer.”

“I know, I know, I just- I need to figure out the best way to answer, is all.” Standing up, Andrew chewed at his lip as he headed towards the kitchen. Maybe some baking would help clear his thoughts. At most, it wouldn’t hurt matters any more than they already were.

“You’re living off borrowed time, now, frérot.” See! That- That wasn’t helping. It was ominous, and worrying, and made Andrew wish he was still alive just so he could start breathing funny and distract Randy from his problem by making him think he had asthma or some such rot and- “Hey, hey, breathe, Andy, breathe.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, we don’t exactly need to breathe, anymore.” Andrew didn’t even complain as he was pushed towards a kitchen chair, instead just collapsing in it, propping his arms up on the table, and hiding his face.

He had spent years wishing and hoping and praying for a soulmate, and it led him to this. A fifteen-year-old boy who was scared too often, alone too much, and wanted to know his soulmate despite what his parents had told him. Danny has no idea that Andrew was a ghost. He probably thought Andrew was fifty - or at least near that age - and he still wanted to talk to him and spend time with him and get to know him.

“You know, there are some bonds that lead to platonic soulmates.” Randy’s voice was quiet, the man close enough to ruffle his hair. Andrew didn’t even bother to smack his hand away. “It doesn’t always have to be-”

“This is.” It was. Andrew knew it as well as he knew Danny knew it. They were meant for each other as soulmates often were. They- Well, Andrew wasn’t quite sure on Danny’s exact feelings at the moment, and his own were a little murky, but he knew it wouldn’t be long until he fell in love with his mate. “I want to tell him, Randy, but what if…”

What if he ran? What if he stopped writing again? Danny had always known silence, too. It wouldn’t hurt him to just stop writing and continue as he had been. Andrew… He had spent so long wishing and praying and if his mate just left out of nowhere- He hated it. He hated so much that he knew something like that would break him.

“Andy.” Feeling Randy’s hand on his shoulder, Andrew at least peeked his head up to see that Randy was looking serious for once. “Worrying yourself like this isn’t going to help either of you. I know… I know this is difficult, but wouldn’t it be better to let each other know the truth of everything at the start?”

“What if he runs away, though? Randy- We’re ghosts. We weren’t meant to have connections like this with the living.” It was so stupid. It was a trope that Andrew had never wanted. The dead in love with the living. Souls meant to be, but bodies that could never touch. Love for someone that they should never feel love to. Star-crossed lovers.

“What if he stays?” It… It wasn’t impossible. Oh, it was improbable, that was certain, but their situation- It didn’t have to be impossible. “You bought yourself some time for now, so take a breath, calm yourself down, and don’t fight back as I take over your kitchen.”

“Take over my- Randall! You are not taking over my kitchen!” Randy was already grinning and flying over to the fridge, Andrew loving more than hating how he was already laughing, and, right. He had bought himself some time. A little time was all he needed.

No matter what, he would find a way to fix things between him and Danny. Somehow.

“Danny… You’re in the library. You’re in the library during study hall- Are you studying during study hall?” Staring at his friends, Danny wasn’t sure if he had ever gone from surprise to annoyance as quickly as he had then. “Sam, punch me, I need to see if I’m- Ow.”

“You know, you’re usually supposed to be quiet when you’re in a library.” Was it petty that Danny hoped their school librarian would toss his friends out? It was probably petty, but dammit, it was earned pettiness. “And no, I’m not studying. Jesus, who do you think I am, Jazz?” The shared looks between Sam and Tucker were just insulting.

“Okay, you’re in the library during study hall and you’re not playing video games on the computer you’re using- It actually looks like you’re in a database- Hang on, what are you really doing?” And as usual, Sam’s judgement fell away to insatiable curiosity as she started pushing Danny and his chair out of the way.

“You know, this is why I have ghost powers.” Sam and her damn curiosity. “Not that you need to know, but I’m actually looking up people with the name Andrew Riter-”

“You’re looking for your soulmate.” That was a very judgmental tone, but considering Tucker was still rubbing at his side, Danny would rather not get punched. “And you’re not asking him where he lives because…”

“Because he won’t tell me? Because he figured out I’m fifteen and he’s not? Because I just told him why I’ve been avoiding him for all these years- Look, do you want a list? It’s a very long list- Okay, okay, sorry, no need for violence.”

“Oh for- Why do you boys never know how to communicate!” Sam grabbed his chair and pushed him back in front of the computer. “Why are you using a school computer to do this?”

“Because my parents and Jazz snoop. Look, soulmates typically live pretty close together, right? Only one out of every million end up living more than two or three hundred miles apart, so if I can find an Andrew Riter near Amity Park or close by, then I’ll find him. See? Easy.”

“Right, you just have to sort out one of the most common names ever. Easy as can be.” Huffing and nudging Sam out of the way, Danny went back to his very important research. “You know what I’m hearing? Stalking-”

“I am not stalking my soulmate.” That would require finding him, first. “Look, at least I’m not as bad as Tucker with his last few crushes-”

“Hey!” Taking the chokehold with grace, Danny squirmed only a little as he glared back up at Sam. “If I do this then I can at least find out what he looks like or how old he is or something. Sammy, he hasn’t even told me how old he is, yet. It was a battle to get his last name out of him!”

Glaring down at where his question had been ignored in favor of a short idea about star-crossed lovers or something, Danny spitefully drew a few stars over the idea. “Are you sure you wouldn’t just rather wait and have him tell you this on his own terms? What if he finds out you’re looking for him and he doesn’t want that?”

“Dunno. Haven’t thought that far, yet.” Danny hit print as Tucker finally let him go, Sam crossing her arms and looking at him. It was the look of guilt that usually had Danny caving, but not this time! “Sammy, c’mon. What would you do if you were me?”

Sam could claim she was uncaring about soulmates all she wanted, but Danny saw her clutch at her sleeves and glance to Tucker too quick for the other to notice. “I still think this is a bad idea.”

“We tend to excel in bad ideas, though.” Tucker grinned before snatching up the printed papers and going through them quickly. “Right, make a list of what you know, and I’ll start coming up with an algorithm to cross out some of these.”

“Wait- You’re helping me?” Danny looked between the two, not even flinching as Sam whacked him with her sleeve. “But you just said-”

“If it’s important to you than it’s important to us.” Sam took half the papers, flipping through them herself. “Oh, wow, that’s a lot of results.”

“Over a thousand,” Danny groaned, looking back down to his arms and biting his lip at seeing his stars had been scribbled in with a blue pen. Underneath that were words appearing about star travel and space and pretty much everything Danny loved and dammit. He was weak. He was very, very weak. “I just… It’s not even that I want to know what he looks like, but I want to know- I want to know he’s out there.”

“What do you mean?” Seeing a librarian lurking nearby, Danny logged off his computer and grabbed his bag, Sam and Tucker falling into step with him near at once.

“I mean it’s like- When it’s just writing back and forth on our skin, it’s- I don’t know. It’s weird. It’s like if I look away from his words, then they were never there. I know the words are there, I can read them and see them and everything, but it’s…”

“The words don’t make up for the rest of it,” Tucker finished quietly, Danny raising an eyebrow when his gaze slid to Sam and then back to him and oh. That- Alright, Danny would definitely be coming back to that, later. “I’m sure he’ll tell you who he is eventually, but until then we’ll help you as much as we can.”

“You are stuck with us.” Sam linked their arms together, Danny trying not to laugh as Tucker did the exact same thing on his other side. “And until your soulmate shows up to sweep you off your feet and steal you away, we’ll be here for you.”

“You want to encourage the three-way rumors between us, don’t you?” The two both grinned in the exact same way and oh, come on, they had to know they were soulmates. Fuckers. “You’re awful.” Danny loved them. “You think we can do it, then? Track down my wayward soulmate?”

“Dude, after what we’ve been through, I think we can do anything. I mean, this is nothing compared to some of the stuff we’ve done.” That was true, but it still felt- It felt bigger than everything they had done before.

“We’ll sort this out, Danny,” Sam smiled, kissing his cheek and smirking when Tucker raised his eyebrows and- Oh- Oh, no.

“I swear to god if you two start some fight on who can show me the most affection, I will be very upset with you.” Escaping out of their grips, Danny stuck his tongue out as he ran along ahead to class, trying not to laugh at their loud complaints about ‘leaving them.’ Dorks.

For as great as his friends were, though, there was still the fact that he wanted to know. He still knew so little about Andrew and not enough ink in the world could tell them everything there was to know about each other.

Looking to his skin, he saw plenty of new words, along with a small, scribbled little ‘sorry’ written on the back of his wrist. Danny slowed to a stop, staring at the word and quietly groaning. “Why do you have to make this so much more difficult?” Now he was feeling guilty.

‘if you could only be trapped in one place for the rest of your life where would you be trapped?’ Distractions. Distractions would help and learning about Andrew was always a great distraction.

‘My library.’ Whoa, wait, what, Andrew had a library? ‘Would I be supplied with food for this hypothetical forever?’

‘probably’ Most likely. Danny stared at the reply for a few moments, biting his lip and he could try asking again, but… ‘you can only eat one food for the rest of your life what is it?’ Not yet. Andrew would try to avoid the question, still, so Danny would just work up to it. Besides, if Sam and Tucker pulled through and they got lucky, well.

Andrew wouldn’t be able to avoid Danny’s questions if they were face-to-face.

Staring at where Randy was sleeping on a pile of books, Andrew frowned and very slowly and carefully pulled out one of his knives. Seeing Randy tense, Andrew threw it in a smooth, quick motion, amused when Randy’s arm snapped up to catch it as the rest of him stayed still. “It’s no fun if you make it look so easy.”

“You know, most people don’t find it fun to throw knives at their sleeping brothers.” Randy tossed the knife back to him, yawning as he sat up and stretched in a way that gave a few loud cracks that had Andrew wincing. “Alright, alright, next pile.”

“I know you agreed to help me with my research, but perhaps you should actually sleep in a bed instead of on my books.” Plus, Andrew was starting to feel a little bad about recruiting Randy into his soulmate research binge when he was fresh off a job.

“And perhaps you should worry less. Done stating what we’re never going to do?” Randy stood up and his back gave another crack, Andrew letting out a small whine. That sounded like it hurt. “‘M fine, ‘m fine. Besides, I’m not leaving you on your own again. When I got back you had worked yourself up into an attack.”

“It wasn’t an attack. I was just… I was a touch worried about not finding the materials I needed.” Ignoring his brother’s look, Andrew cleared his throat as he gathered a few more books to him. Surprisingly, he didn’t have that many books on soulmates. It was rather disappointing.

“Uh-huh. How many books have you read since I last asked you that question?” Oh, aha, wow, Andrew very much did not want to answer that question. “You’re obsessing.”

“We’re ghosts, obsessing is what we do.” Snagging one of the books Randy had been sleeping on, Andrew sighed as he brushed it off. “There has to be a case like mine and Danny’s documented somewhere, surely.”

“Yeah. Definitely a case where an alive kid ends up being soulmates with a ghost who’s been dead longer than both of them were alive for.” That… When said like that… “Ah, jeez, c’mon, don’t get the depressed look-”

“I do not have a depressed look, thank you very much. I’m simply concerned on the fact we haven’t found anything even remotely similar to my situation.” They had been through dozens of books by now and there was still nothing even close to what they were going through.

“Hey, hey, Andy, c’mon.” Randy threw an arm around him and trapped him in place, Andrew huffing and upset over the fact that he didn’t even try to escape. “It’s possible that all of this will work out-”

“I know that.” That was the part that was terrifying him. “This could all work out and if we do this right, then we’ll both be happy, and that’s…” It was terrifying because he knew what happened when he held hope.

“Oh, Andy.” Randy pulled him into an actual hug and oh, god, it was that bad, wasn’t it? If Randy was actually hugging him, then he must have looked more pathetic than he thought. “We’re not used to good things happening to us, are we?”

“I believe an argument could be made that such a statement is very much an understatement.” Andrew finally sighed and leaned against Randy, feeling more than a little hopeless at the situation. “I don’t know what to do, Randy.”

“Well, the whole research thing is a good start.” Yes, he supposed, but there was still… Randy was right. A situation like this had never been seen or heard of. A ghost being soulmates with a teenager who was still alive? It… No matter how one looked at it, there was nothing but heartbreak, except… There was still a chance of it ending happily and it terrified him. “What do you need?”

“I need- I need a book- I need something to help me figure this out.” Knowledge had never let him down before. There had always been a book to help him out of a situation. Whether it was to distract him, give him inspiration, instruct him on what to do next, or even just to give him an escape, there was- Books and knowledge had never let him down before.

“Okay, we’re off to a good start on the whole book thing.” Randy finally let him go before pushing him down into a seat, Andrew huffing as a pile was pushed in front of him. “These should be the last ones, yeah?”

“The last ones with an academic approach to the subject, yes. I’ve yet to go through and pull the books that have a fable outlook.” Watching his brother stare at him, Andrew huffed. “I am not simplifying that when I know for a fact you understood it perfectly.”

“Damn. You were so much more fun before you caught on to the fact I was smart.” ‘Smart.’ Randy was certifiably a genius if Andrew could just get him to sit still long enough to take one of the tests. “Okay, we have the nonfiction checked off, but maybe check fiction? Kernel of truth in every story?”

“That was my thinking, yes.” Andrew flipped open the book closest to him, staring at the blurry words before he was staring at the cover again. “That was rude.”

“You haven’t slept and for as much as you want to complain that ghosts don’t need it, you do need sleep if you want to stay sane.”

“I’m not tired. My eyes just need to rest, is all.” This time the book was pulled away from him, Andrew collapsing back in his seat and looking up at Randy as pathetically as he could. “Randy.”

“Five hours, one meal, and three brownies and then I’ll let you get back to work.” Mm… No. Andrew didn’t like that. He would just keep reading- “Andy. Do you really think Danny would want you driving yourself crazy like this?”

“That was low.” That was just- That was just mean. “You’re awful.” Completely ignoring his brother’s grin, Andrew pushed himself up and oh, alright, yes, maybe a bit of rest would be good if he was seeing that many black spots. “There’s still at least a dozen books-”

“I’ll keep searching.” Oh. “Hey, at least I know your crazy filing system, and I know how to take notes you can actually read. Just go get rest and I’ll take care of this.”

“You’re so awful.” Aiming for a hug, Andrew slumped more than anything, amused when Randy easily supported him. “You’re supposed to be an annoying big brother who never shuts up and ruins my hopes and dreams and-”

Andrew’s words were drowned out by Randy’s laughter, the sound making him relax more than anything else. He may have had horrible luck when it came to the soulmate area of his life, but at least it was made up for with such a great brother.

As helpful as Randy was, though, he had been right when he said this was a unique situation. Something like this… Stories, maybe, but it was doubtful this had ever happened before. That begged the question of why did this happen?

Maybe his mate was as cursed as he was. Danny seemed like a sweet kid, but even through written word Andrew could tell that he was hiding more than he wanted to admit to. They all had secrets, but Andrew knew what the ones hidden in darkness looked like in daylight. Danny was hiding, yes, but Andrew… He was doing so much worse.

Danny had been honest and told him so much, and yet here Andrew was dodging questions and avoiding answering due to not wanting to hurt their feelings. It- Was there any way out of this that didn’t hurt Danny’s feelings?

Randy had been right back at the start of this mess. Andrew was going to hurt Danny and break his heart because, well… Andrew looked down to where patches of stars inked with pen were scribbled across his words. He didn’t need Randy’s look to know there was a hopeless look on his face, and, really.

He had fallen so quickly, hadn’t he?

#danny phantom #iambic prose #soulmate au #words on my skin au

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