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sha-bae · 1 year

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Corruption

Chapter One

Smoke, fire, and a ringing in my ears. That's all I could remember. That and being grabbed. Why didn't they just kill me, like they killed everyone else on my planet, a mass slaughter of innocent people. Men women and children, all dead and for what? My father, my sisters and all of my people, gone just like that.

I felt a tight grip around my ribs and another holding up my legs. I could feel warmth as if I was pressed to someone's chest, but I couldn't open my eyes. I wouldn't. What was the point anyway, I had been taken from my home. I had everything I cared about ripped away from me. I'm all alone in the galaxy.

My body felt strange, almost numb. I assume this was due to the cold, but from where the cold was coming I had no idea. My planet was warm, green, and beautiful, or at least it was. I involuntarily shivered, causing my body to tense against the cold slaps of wind that met my clammy skin.

From the throbbing I felt I knew I was injured, I didn't know where or how badly, but it hurt like hell never the less. Almost to much to bear.

After a while I felt a warm burst of air as I heard a door open, and then loud thundering footsteps. They were coming from right under me so I assumed they belonged to whoever had taken it upon themselves to be my rescuer. Whoever it was, his frame was large, and his grip tight around me.

If i wasn't so terrified it might even have been comforting, but it wasn't. I heard the door slide shut behind us. There was chatter and the sound of machinery being operated but I didn't dare open my eyes to look. The walk to wherever we were going felt like it lasted a life time.

After what seemed like forever another door slid open and a sterile smell hit my nose, something like a medical unit. It was very quiet the only sounds consisted of the beeping of monitors and the heavy footstep I had been hearing all along. I felt something cold against my back as I was laid down on what I assumed to be a examination table. I needed to open my eyes, I needed to see what was happening, but I was terrified.

I groaned trying to move myself into a comfortable position. This caused me an exceptional amount of pain resulting in a loud scream. It took me a moment to realize that it had actually come from me. My eyes snapped open, the searing pain giving me motivation to look at where I was injured.

"Stay clam" a nurse said trying to restrain my arms, "You're going to hurt yourself more, just calm down" she insisted. I screamed again, the pain shooting though me like lightning. "Fuck" I screeched, slamming my fist against the metal beneath me, why the hell weren't they doing anything. "We need to sedate her" the nurse yelled. I screamed again and again until my throat felt like it was on fire.

There was shuffling and a struggle, but before I knew it a needle sunk it's way into my neck. I immediately fell limp. The screams quieted and the sobs slowed but the pain was everlasting. Before my eyes dropped, I remember hearing myself mutter one word.

"Help"

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As I slowly reawoke, everything was blurry. Blurry and very bright. I groaned prying my eyes open to see a white room. White walls, white floor, white medical gown. I turned my head only to be met with pain. Not as bad as the pain that I felt before I was sedated, just a numb tingling pain.

A doctor walked by my door as I sat up. Noticing my struggle, he rushed in to aid me. "Your awake" he said adjusting the bed to a sitting position. I didn't reply, still immensely confused by the entire situation. "Would you like some food, maybe some water? I know that sedation drug might have made you feel a bit funny. My apologies. It was for your safety" he continued as he checked the IV that was in my arm and my vitals that were displayed on the monitor. Again, silence.

"Ok, well when you need something just press this button and I'll come. I've called for Master Ren, he will be here shortly" I froze. Master Ren, as in Kylo Ren. I began to panic, throwing my legs over the bed in an attempt to get up. "Wait no stop" the doctor demanded but I wasn't listening. I needed to find a way out.

Pain shot up my legs as my feet met the floor and I hissed at the agony before dropping to my knees. I couldn't even hold my own weight, let alone run away. As I lifted my gown to examine the searing pain, I saw a large bloody bandage was taped to my side, the red liquid slipping from my body coating the cloth. I felt defeated, so small and useless. I sobbed, pulling the garment back into place as I tried my best to force myself to my feet. Ren would be coming to take me to my execution I presumed. At least then the pain would be over.

"Let me help you" a nurse said rushing into the room. She grabbed my forearms and helped me sit back in the bed. "Please don't let him kill me" I pleaded as she left the room hastily.

The sound of heavy boots filled the hallways outside my room and I curled into a ball sobbing, thinking those moments might be my last. A tall dark figure appeared in my doorway. It was him, Kylo Ren, helmet and all. I felt as if I couldn't breath, or move.

I was frozen in fear once again. He took a few steps into my room before the door closed behind him. He made slow steps over to were I sat before stopping at the foot of the bed. "Princess" his robotic voice hissed through his helmet. I didn't reply.

"I assume the medical staff has taken good care of you?" He asked, his head shifting across the room as he examined his surroundings. "They wouldn't need to care for me at all if you hadn't destroyed my plant" I replied harshly, the words leaving my mouth before I even got the chance to think them over, my voice shaky making it apparent that I had been crying. I sounded much less intimidating then I had expecting, my hiccuping sobs interrupting my words as I tried to speak.

"I was only doing what's best for everyone. Your father allowed rebel scum to build a base on your planet." He said back, sounding as if my comment had annoyed him. "Rebel scum," I scoffed. "They've never done a thing to hurt anyone, unlike the first order" I replied pointedly. Kylo froze where he was standing and stared at me. "I would watch myself if I were you, Princess." Kylo spoke slowly, threateningly, as he moved closer to me.

I could hear his breathing as he leaned in, his mask only inches from my face. "You may have been royalty back on Rhymna but here, you are nothing."

#supreme leader snoke #knights of ren #knights of ren smut #knights of ren x reader #kylo #kylo ren x reader #kylo x reader #ren #kylo fanfic #kylo ren #star killer base #star wars smut #starwars #star wars

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creativebrainrot · 6 months

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I lived.

ive been through so much shit in this house and finally, i can trust and know, that theres an end. That in the very first week of November my new life can begin. the one i thought id always have from the time i was young. when i was a kid i thought id grow up to become educated, go to college, move out around 22-25 and have a Normal Life. i never did. instead i got to wonder why all the media i saw told me that fathers would do anything for their kids- especially "their little girls" which at the time, i was. i had to wonder why after any little convo with my father i wanted to cry in the shower- why so many times i DID cry in the shower afterwards. I didnt question all the times I cried myself to sleep. all the times i had to fight off thoughts of self hate and "i wish i was dead" "id be better off dead, no one would miss me," I was a child. I didnt think anything was wrong until i did question why id never heard anyone else talk about that, about wanting to cry after every conversation you had with your father. I knew i never felt like he loved me, like he wanted me. I knew he felt like an estranged neighbor that i lived with for some reason, instead of feeling like my father. I never trusted him. i never felt at home in this house. I never had friends in real life. the one kid my age i did meet, moved away a few months later. the other kids were not my age, and troubled, and connected to my abusive father's friends. so i was isolated and homeschooled.

my dad would take me to the park routinely incase i did ever get the chance to make friends there but it never happened.

homeschooling was also my dads idea and i do think it was the better choice for me personally because of where we live (i would've likely been bullied to no end and that plus the at home abuse wouldve broken me i think.) but it did enable my father to isolate me further. he isolated my dad too. the social anxiety just last year i felt about saying ANYTHING, the way i was trained to hyperanalyze EVERYTHING that i said, the FEAR and ANXIETY i felt whenever i thought of a way my words could be twisted into something malicious, the ways my words could be twisted into something i wasnt saying. my dad and i both felt like that for YEARS. we've always lived in the middle of fucking no where. i cant walk to a mall. i cant walk to the grocery store. we have no public transport. its so christian out here that early on my dad (who is perceived as a middle aged housewife here) wouldve been told to stay with my father or somewhat ostracized for divorcing him- even without being involved in any church congregation here. the social pressure, the physical isolation, the mental abuse that ruined our selfconfidence, the second guessing ourselves, all of it.

If I told you of one single incident you would think a single prick of a needle's point had driven me mad.

Because to describe the sheer amount of needle pinpricks before that is hard to describe, difficult to convey the gravity of every little pinprick over the two decades i had to live with my father and his abuse.

he got worse right before he left, in my dad's eyes, but- and this may be stupid of me, i didnt feel like that. he was always pathetic, to me. He was stupid and impulsive but he was dangerous and he is the only person that ever made me feel Bleak. Truly, genuinely, sincerely bleak. for the first few months of 2019, i felt nothing. i was numb. resigned. i believed there was no good ending, that this house and that abuse was all i would ever know. there was no use fighting or feeling. it would change nothing.

to some extent i still havent truly realized deep down that im, free. im free now. im an adult now. no one will ever make me powerless again. i wont fall for any of this abuse in the future. i have friends now. i once believed i was truly unlovable and that no one would bat an eye if i disappeared. that i was not worth noting. i still struggle with thoughts of being "replaceable." but now, i know people who care. i have independence now. once im out of this shithole state my dad and i can seek trans health care- fuck, we can HAVE HEALTHCARE at all.

I don't miss my father. I hate that i still love him, somehow. he was the only one who ever made me want to kill myself. he was always the sole reason for the mountains of distress i felt. Im glad he never got to know I was queer.

what kept me going for so long was my childhood cat and music, and my dad. I lost my childhood cat BK this year, and it still hurts. But in my heart shes still here, somehow. I want to find a kitten with her sweet little eyes, when we're settled into the new living situation. BTS's music in particular always made me feel better, I still listen to them.

this house was a fixer-upper in the first place. it became a money sink over the years of neglect. my father promised to fix so many things but instead he trashed the place. i have never slept in a bedroom I loved. i have never had a real dresser. i havent had a furnished dining room since i was 7 or so. i havent been able to stay lucid in this house because its just so trashed already that apathy is a must or else i get more depressed. i try, i really do try to clean when i can. but this house is beyond repair for myself and my dad at this point. even if we wanted to fix it we cant. we have no money for all the tlc it needs at this point. moving is the only option.

I miss caring. I miss caring about my surroundings. Caring about myself. Caring about my dad. I miss feeling each day. We were doing so well before the car broke down.

deep in my heart I wish i could ask my father "why" but I know that no answer would satisfy me. Nothing can explain "why," that I haven't already known by now, yet my heart yearns with that question anyway. "Why?"

and now we're only a week away from knowing the life we had always wanted and dreamed of. we tasted that life just a few months ago, for a year or two and it was lovely. It can only get better from here. I spent ages hanging on to a THREAD of hope. for my dad. I never wanted him to be the one to find the aftermath, i couldnt do that to him. and deep down i wanted, so desperately, for it to get better. Im so glad I hung on long enough to be rewarded. it was hard. I had to fight to see tomorrow, to not give up, to not abandon hope. It was so fucking hard, and I dont regret a second of it.

The list of my and my dad's abuse at the hands of my father when he was living with us, and still alive, is long. But the list of our progress, our hopes and our plans, our dreams, our triumphs, is so much longer.

I lived. I lived to see a new dawn and finally know the life child me always thought we would end up having. We're free, and im so happy, finally.

#open journal #open journalling #rotthoughts #creativelyrottedmind #personal #parental abuse #abuse #suicide mention #tw suicide

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speak-now-girlies-unite · 1 year

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the gifted kid burnout was strong this week.

i hate that phrase, because last year i told my best friend at the time "i think im burnt out." and she looked me dead in the eyes and told me that i was too young, too good, that my life was too easy for me to be going through burnout.

i think that's when i stopped looking up to her.

once i was talking to my "friends" during lunch, and somehow we started talking about crying on command. my day was pretty shitty so when i was the only person who could cry on command i wasn't really surprised, it just felt like crying. i blamed my ability on staring at the lights, and just being good at it, but on girl looked at me. and. she knew.

she wasn't even my best friend. my best friend was right there and she didn't notice. she was talking to someone else. but this girl that i'd had barely a few conversations with, she knew. she could tell. and that almost made me actually cry. i was so tired. so so tired.

this girl's my best friend now, and i tell her everything. i dont know where i would be without her. but this week was another hard week. i feel like im slipping into a depression or something, i don't know. i feel so numb, so tired. my math teacher takes forever to put in grades, so right now alot of my assignments show up as missing, so i'm failing her class. it makes me feel so embarrassed, so ashamed, but also i can't bring myself to care. im so tired. i want to scream. im angry, but im too tired to be angry.

i just want it all to stop. i want it to be over and done with. i want to be 37, living in a blue house with white accents and three adopted kids, and being happy. feeling free. at the same time i want to be 5, singing along to "party in the usa" and arguing with my aunt on pink vs. purple. at the same time i want to be dead, simply not existing. i want to never have existed. i want to not have to feel.

im so tired. but its not like im suicidal or anything. i've thought about killing myself, but it the way anyone would do when your friend nearly ends it all for themself. i wouldn't ever kill myself. ive got too much to live for. my friends would be upset. i would never find a partner. i would never finish writing a book, or influence a life. so im living. but im not happy about it. i just want to go to sleep, but i know that if i do, the morning will come faster, and i'll have to go through the world all over again. and again. and again. and again.

there's no point in delaying the inevitable, but i will anyways, because it makes me feel like i have some sort of control over myself.

one day its going to be over. just a few more years. this school year's almost over. a few more days till the end of the week. a few more months till the end of the year. a few more years till the end of school. will it ever end, truly? senior year seems so far away. and ill dissapoint everyone if i dont go to college. is that another four years? five? six? its so much. i just want to go to sleep. i just want to sleep in, and then crochet myself a top, and then watercolor in the sun. and then sleep. but i cant, and i feel like im dying. i dont want to die. i just want to get out of this cycle. wake up, go to school, go home, cry, go to sleep. wake up. go to school. go home. stress. cry. go to sleep. i cant do this. please, i need some sort of lifeline.

im so tired.

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luthientinu · 2 years

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“We need to stop meeting like this.”- Scarlet Strange One Shot 10- Stephen Strange x Wanda Maximoff

Written for day 2 of the ScarletStrange shipping week!

Prompt: “We need to stop meeting like this.”

A/N- Here's my submission for Day 2 of the Scarletstrange week. I know I am late. Anyways Enjoy!

Wanda felt numb. Here she was trapped under the rubble of Mount Wundagore unable to die due to her magic powering her on. The gravity of her actions, the sins she had committed hit her like a wrecking ball. The people killed during the mission in Lagos, people she was supposed to save. Unleashing a hex at Westview, callously mind controlling the inhabitants for her own selfishness. Murdering the innocents at Kamar Taj without batting an eye. Almost killing an innocent child. Killing and creating havoc in another universe.

"I would never hurt anyone. I am not a monster’….the realisation she felt when she had become the very same thing she denied she was. The hurt she had inflicted on this little family of three…

Oh Wanda, What have you done…. she could finally hear her conscience now that the influence of the Darkhold has disappeared leaving her broken and guilt ridden.

She cried. She cried for her parents, Pietro, Vision, Natasha, Tony, her children and for all the lives she’d taken needlessly

Guilt was weighing heavily on Stephen’s shoulders. Wanda’s expression just before she destroyed Mount Wundagore haunted him. Behind the Scarlet Witch persona, Stephen saw a broken woman who had lost everything that she held dear. It reminded him how he was after the accident that cost his hands.

He really could have approached her after the battle with Thanos and asked her to join him at Kamar-Taj. She could have had a place to heal and train if she wished for it. Heck, he could have approached her after the incident at Westview. Thinking about the possibilities seemed irrelevant now.

Stephen held onto the inkling she had survived the ordeal and he hoped with all his heart it was not too late.

Wanda had uprooted and torn the Darkhold Castle down to the very foundation. Even with the magic aiding him, the task of shifting the rubble was extremely tedious. The sight in front of him broke his heart.

“Oh Wanda, we need to stop meeting like this…”

All hell seemed to break loose when they meet or at the very least see each other. He had seen her bring Thanos down single handedly before he had given the order to fire. When they finally met, it was not in any way peaceful save for the first few minutes.

She was unconscious and looked extremely worn down. Dried tear tracks painted her face. Her face was hollow and gaunt and looked very much dead except for the faint pulse. Stephen gently lifted her from the rubble and stepped through the portal into the Sanctum.

Wanda’s eyes flew open and she immediately winced at the sunlight pouring in through a nearby window. Window? She was supposed to be buried under the rubble. Debris is not supposed to feel soft right? She breathed in and out, trying to regain her bearings. She felt extremely sore and painful. She slowly opened her eyes and tried to sit up on the bed…she noticed she had an IV attached to her arm, the fluid steadily dripping down…

“Hello Wanda.”

Wanda almost gave herself a whiplash when she turned around towards Stephen’s voice. She opened her mouth…

“Here, drink some water. Take very slow sips.” Stephen handed her a glass.

She took the water gratefully, mindful enough to take small sips. The water felt heavenly on her parched throat.

Here she was with the man who she had tried to kill a few days or months ago (she lost her sense of time). The guilt hit her and she felt the tears fall uncontrollably.

“Why am I here Stephen? After everything I’ve done? After all the people I’ve killed…” she whispered hoarsely. “....I am a monster…”

Stephen sat on a nearby chair and took her hand. Wanda began talking. She poured her heart out and Stephen just listened. His heart ached for this woman who had to go through so much during her short life. Fate had dealt a very unfair deck to Wanda Maximoff. He sincerely hoped from this moment onwards she would have a chance to heal from all her trauma and pain.

Once she had told him everything, Stephen began. “You can still have a second chance Wanda…the road may not be easy but I would like to help you with every step if you’d like.”

“Yes...yes please!” she nodded. Wanda had enough of the pain. She wanted to heal and she would gladly take any help.

“Take some rest first.”

Wanda settled back on the pillow. For once she felt a sliver of hope and she was not going to let it go any time sooner…for once she felt she was not waking up to a nightmare.

Previous- One Shot 9

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A/N- I am sorry if this is a bit wonky...I wrote this in the middle of a terrible migraine (still having it) so please forgive me if there are any mistakes. I started with a totally different idea and ended it in a totally different way....yikes I am rambling. Hope I did okay though. Would really love to know what you all think. This posted on Ao3 and on Fanfiction.net too

#mcu #marvel cinematic universe #marvel #stephen strange #wanda maximoff #doctor strange #scarlet witch #scarletstrange #scarletstrangeweek #scarletstrangeshippingweek #stephen x wanda #wanda x stephen #luthientinuwrites

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honeyxoxotwd · 1 year

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Fighting For Our Home

TriggerWarning: Violence

This was our last chance.

I was eye to eye with every single walker that had just ripped through our walls and invaded Alexandria. Our brand new home that I finally just started feeling safe sleeping in. Everything was back to how it was again. I was, how I was again. The nightmares of being out there for too long started flooding back. Today was the day it could all end. We were all strung together, hand in hand. We had just seen Glenn’s signal to come help and I could do absolutely nothing about it. Nevertheless I had to push past that because my family was depending on me to help get everyone to safety and draw the walkers away. Carl was with us and no matter how much love I have for Glenn I have to get my sibling to safety. Everything was going okay. We were all walking slow as hell but not being noticed. It had taken hours to get even slightly across town because the streets were so flooded with the dead, but then everything went numb. My ears started ringing and I could feel my heart beating so hard I thought it was going to explode out of my chest. Sam.. poor little innocent Sam. He just started freaking out and their was nothing I could do. Next thing I know walkers are tearing him apart.Just ripping his entire face off. Then Jessie. Jessie was even worse because the look on her eyes as she couldn't let go of his hand which was barely held together by ligaments.They just pounced on her. The walkers take everything. She had a hold of Carl. “ Y/N help, help me.” he whispered in fear. I let go of my Dads hand as he was in total shock about to see red, just like at the prison with mom. I grabbed his axe and started shredding Jessie literally death grip off of Carl. Ron was the last to go. He made that mistake himself though. Seeing his family being eaten alive caused him to break. He pulled a gun on us. What else were we suppose to do? He was just a kid though just like Carl. He was eaten up from all the hate, anger and loss of his shitty ass Dad. Michonne acted as fast as she could but as he was falling into the deep plunge of her sword he pulled the trigger. It went quiet again, all the problems they caused suddenly stopped.” Dad...Y/N...” We looked over as carl began falling down. Ron got him. He managed to get. Dad picked Carl up as tears started streaming down my face. No sound just tears, so many tears. I pulled my knife out and started swinging into the skulls of the walkers in complete rage, making space for them to get through. I wasn't scared of losing the town anymore just the people. I didn't care that it was all taken. Glenn, Carl and everyone needed to be okay. Ive never treated the walkers this bad even when everything fell apart. I had no remorse at all. We finally got inside were the threw him on the table. My dad dropped him off and started heading out the door. Michonne was sitting at the top holding Carls head while I stood above still freaking out. I followed my dad. I didn't care about the town anymore but at least I would be able to help clear enough of them if we have to move Carl and go get Judith. We started circling up killing walkers.The people of Alexandria came out of their houses that they hid in for hours and joined in. We did this for a couple hours till we heard machine gun shots and a giant fire was lit in the pond. The walkers were led away and we all killed them one by one. The next morning is when it was finally all over. I was covered in blood and sweating so hard. My entire body was sore and on fire. I dropped to me knees on the ground. we did it....as I was kneeling there I hear someone”Y/N”. I looked up with extreme exhaustion and there he was, Glenn. He didn't even have a scratch on him. He was okay. He ran down and feel to his knees above me and just held me crying. I never felt more relieved in my life. I knew Carl was hurt but we had Denise. We fought and we won. My family is going to live.

#the walking dead #twd #shifting #walkingdead #alexandria #walkers #fanfic #glennrhee #glenn x reader #tw #season6twd #twds6 #twd spoilers

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repulsivechameleon · 2 years

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Im doomed and This is my final destination..

Some people are born to set examples while others grow to be made an example of and im becoming one and i dont wanna see how thats going to end for me, other than suicide. Either ways.

My life is so colorless and i can barely get out of my bed to pee

I dont drink water anymore

Or eat much

I haven’t had food in 4 days and im not even phased

Im so unbelievably ill

Its like my depression is so bad it literally paralyzed me, mentally numbed me that i dont even care about my eating disorder, or my manic episodes anymore, everything is meaningless now even my anxieties and nightmares.

I never catch up until the damage is done good.

Nothing ever matters to me.

Mostly because nothing is ever under my control

Ive always felt like an outsider everywhere i went, maybe its cos im fat maybe its cos im black maybe its because im dumb and ugly or just chemically unbalanced.

I have fought to be normal and to belong every single day of my life just to end up failing at every simple little task i dealt with, just like how i failed every single thing in my life, somehow ill always mange to end up being the weirdo and the target.

I don’t understand how people can stand to be in a room with me.

Im the worst friend, the worst person I’ve known all i do is self destruct

Ruin relationships

Make everyone feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable

Lie lie lie lie

Im so fucking ugly inside and out I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise but ifs impossible to ignore the truth.

Badly wired like shit

Im so sorry for all of this and what i am

I hate myself so much

I cant even look in the mirror without breaking down i don’t recognize myself anymore

Not even photos

I shaved my head and its so grown and i missed all of it

I’ve missed on major life events, mine and my friends unfortunately i cant take that back

It eats me up alive because there is no excuse for disappearing from thr people i love without notice, there is no way i can bring the days back. The hopes and dreams that we had, the lives we thought we were going to lead once we grew older together, your life is going to be much more better than the dreams weve dreamt once upon a time my friend and knowing that makes me the happiest person alive. Im so sorry to any friend i hurt and i might hurt. Im sorry.

I feel like someone ought to understand why im doing what im doing

nobody deserves to be burden with my stupid meaningless issues.

I have no memories or attention spam anyways

I dont remember anything

Ive been erasing who i am

I just thought this was rock bottom yet i somehow still manage to dive deeper to the lowest point

And the drugs dont work anymore and when the music starts to sound more like background noise without any significance to the words, i know my time is near.

Mental illness, lack of religion, brainwashed im probably going to be called all that but for once in my life i want to not care, call me that so fucking what ill be dead anyways we’re all going to die. Isnt life meant to be a test? This is it.

For once in my life i want to have a say in anything, i want to make a decision on my own and i want that to be my first and last decision i make, just once please.

I do miss believing. When i had religion i had peace and sometimes i wish I listened to my parents and never questioned anything, it would’ve been so much better, different, drastically different than this, different waves of depression but with more stability, anything but this. I wanna believe in something again but it’s kinda too late for me because i can barely look at my reflection and believe what i see.

Im so sorry mama n baba, i would kill myself to give you a better life and a different prodigy wannabe daughter but i just keep taking from you im just a waste of money and resources and i cant bare the guilt anymore, I thought I could fix it but im in too deep. The truth is so disappointing and embarrassing i think i would rather do anything than to face you after you learning about who i am, i dont know what to say than im really so sorry from the bottom of my heart the entirety of my being im sorry snd I love you and i love you and im so fucking sorry that i am the way that i am. Thank you for always being attentive thank you for giving me unconditional love and for making me feel the safest ive known, i know its not easy being my parent, you’ve done amazing and youre doing amazing still. You were just kids who didn’t know anything yourself, i wish that you can somehow forgive me. I fear a lot of things in this world but knowing that my parents could disown me and hate me if they learn my truth, it cripples me. I love you so much mama i love you so much baba. I wish i could give you one last hug one last time but youre a thousand miles away.

To my sisters,

My 2 beautiful sisters, you know.

Im the luckiest person to have had my sisters with me in this life. What a ride, The definition of the word sisterhood. I would take a bullet for my sisters in a heartbeat. Im so sorry

About everything, i hope you can forgive me, i know it grows conflict in your religion, but know that i am going to be at peace now and you dont have to worry about your baby sister anymore. Im not your liability anymore. I hope you grow old to become everything you both ever wanted. I love you so unbelievably much. I love you so much and im sorry. Im going to miss you like crazy. Im going to hug you both again someday somehow.

I dont know when but soon ill be gone, i have a lot to say but i dont feel like leaving anything behind because i dont want to be remembered or cried upon, im selfish for thinking that no one would think to shed a tear for me I know its not true but I don’t want to think about it, once again im a lesson to be learned. Its going ti be better for everyone in the long run. I’ll be more beneficial when im gone<3

I remember i was 12 thinking about suicide, then 15 attempting suicide, promised myself that i would take my life by 18, now 22 surprise surprise im still here.

I’ve always been fascinated by death, I’ve always planned my death it became so normal i would daydream about dying before going to bed and I remember when i was younger during my religious phase, I thought that i could kill myself ages 12-15 so all my adulthood responsibilities and the sins that accompanies that gone avoided too.

I remember thinking it wont count id be tried as a child that god will understand why i killed myself and will somehow sympathize and send me to heaven as if “god” is the highest judge in some sort of fancy supreme court or something that id have to defend my soul for that. I was a fucking child but it was smart. I wish ive done it tho; shouldve listened to the voices huh.

Whatever, im just lonely and bored out of my mind, I feel so old worthless and unaccomplished like I became everything i didnt wanna be, and there’s no going back.

Waadeena, you know that i would give you the world x

#last days #goodbye #last words #its not that deep #grow up #living with bpd

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ramblingsfromthemoss · 1 month

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i feel like im gonna pop like a grape

as always check tags if you're gonna read, idgaf i just need this out of my brain and i won't see my therapist for a lil bit

its been a hard few months

I wont lie im super thankful that its finally spring and things are getting easier, im finally going back to school and life is looking up but shit man. my dog who ive had since i was four had to be put down this morning, i found my aunts' cat dead under the porch earlier this week, my grandfather called me ugly and ripped my appearance to shreds when i was calling him to share good news, and so much other shit. my horrible fucking ex is finally getting called out for all the gross behaviors he's displayed around minors but he keeps popping up in my feeds online bc of it and he's one of the top search results for a definition of therianthropy and i feel fucking sick knowing theres a chance i'll bump into him again. *fuck* dude i found out one of my closest friends is still close friends with him to the point of being upper staff in both his discord servers! that shit shattered me! they went through all that bullshit with me and now im scared i made everything up! i dont feel safe in a community that made me so happy, hell i dont feel safe in so many communities because of him. on top of all of this a friend i don't speak to anymore is still following me, and its freaking me the fuck out bc that friend had feelings for me and i know i flipped my shit and didnt handle it right and things ended badly all because of me lashing out like an idiot. i felt unsafe bc of my own trauma that i didnt address in time and it lead ot me getting super paranoid and feeling unsafe to try and get into a relationship after being taken advantage of by a guy i really wanted to date, which i dont want to blame them for but im also still super fucking angry and feel really scared that anyone felt entitled to my feelings so closely to what happened to me with the other guy. i cant stop myself from checking their blog and scrolling through, its like a form of catharsis or really effective emotional self harm. i feel so numbed out i just want ot cry but nothing's working, even though it all hurts like a motherfucker. im so scared and annoyed and just want my ex or my friend to rip the bandaid off and finally turn back up and get it over with and let this be over but im never going to get that. my guts hurt, if eel like a trapped animal. everything i say feels wrong and it feels like my head is being split into a million slices. i want to be free of all of this bullshit, i want to live happily again. i want to not feel tied down by all this fucking grief and loss. i dont want to live in fear of being hurt again and i want to be able to process the losses ive endured. i really hope i get to move forward as i get back into college and continue therapy. im exhausted and hurting and scared and i just want to be heard and validated.

#vent #sorry yall its been. a lot #animal death ment tw #/safe btw just need this out of my head #bleh

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the-kipsabian · 4 months

Note

Crush anon here I went through a stint when I was younger of losing some people back to back tho it was months / a year apart and I’ve lost a couple people a few years apart here recently one I just lost a few weeks back another just a few months ago

Grief is never ever easy but it’s much harder when you don’t experience it for a while and then suddenly you’re hit with it so quickly so much at once

The regrets are very very real and valid and I understand the connection disconnection thing felt that way about my paw he was good to me most of the time but was terrible to my mother and bad mouthed my dead nana his ex wife fairly often and she was my entire universe tbh so made for a very mixed relationship with him

Fond memories of eating out with him or going to the library

But then horrible ones of him bad mouthing my nana and him not being allowed at her funeral and him being horrid to my mom who despite my admittedly terrible relationship I still felt so much anger seeing her treated so wrongly

Point is people are complicated grief will be complicated often the more complicated the relationship with the person before they died the more complication with the grief is what I’ve found

I find myself feeling a mixture of hating not visiting my grandma in the nursing home more vs remembering times she blamed me for things that weren’t my fault or had meltdowns over small things and not necessarily feeling glad I didn’t visit more I will always regret not visiting more but it sorta in a way removes the rose tinted glasses I had as a kid before I realized and was told some of the stuff she was doing to me was wrong

I’m so sorry for such back to back losses I could never begin to imagine your exact feelings everyone grieves and feels differently and being numb is sometimes a way we can feel whether it be because we’re not ready to feel properly or we feel like we can’t because we have to remain strong for anyone else or whether it just happens

It’s okay like I said people are complicated and therefore grief will be as well and all that matters is we find what works for us and we work through it at safely and at our own pace

Sometimes it will be all at once other times it will be much more sporadic and sometimes even if it’s all at once there can still be smaller times or even bigger times we have random breaks and everything

It’s all okay, I hope you’ll be alright and I hope this makes sense and helps you somehow

I often use my own experiences to try to help others so <3

yeah its. its a lot rn. my grandpa passed away on thursday and my grandma last night so thats. yeah

the thing for me is, apart from getting hit with all of this rapid fire after not experiencing loss in years, its just.. i didnt really have a relationship in the recent years with either of them. mostly cause my grandpa wasnt really a great person and my grandma was secluded and didnt really like me so like.. yeah. i have a lot of guilt of not trying to mend any relationships like that and just having the rest of the family to handle them, but ive been living with the regrets and could-have-beens the past few days a lot and. its just a lot. especially since now theres two people like that and two relationships that are no more that i somehow need to try to deal with

idk like i said in the tags its a very complicated thing for me. im trying to do this at my own pace but its just.. odd to me. and i know its normal but i also feel guilty about it. about a lot of things, like said. i'll be fine eventually, probably cause thats just how life is and since these relationships werent that good or close.. but it still hurts. idk man

thank you tho, i do really appreciate you reaching out 💜

#im not gonna talk about this a lot im just. processing tonight #its been a difficult few days to say the least #death //#anonymous #thank you for asking! <3

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rawrmeansilyindinosawr · 10 months

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july 3, 2023

i let him fall asleep on my hands even til they fall numb n i dont feel anything anymore im oh so sore., n i just feel so dumb cuz ive been here before where i’ve given everything ive got and became something im not but i don’t feel n idont feel n i dont feel anything anymore so i asked metal bladez to feel my wrists to feel pain cuz u showed me how easy it was to make me feel so much blame but its all ok cuz luv isnt vain n there isnt a moment we share that i feel bored cuz we fight so much i shake and panic and have to take those lil blue pills to stop the manic .,.,.cry breathe fight laugh laugh laugh so hard when we snort the pink cupcake muffin happiness n he dresses up in my bras n sunglasses.,.play pretend we act like teenagers n kids n fools n we R oh so REckless ,.,.,,.

i let let let him rest his head on my palms til i hear him snore, breathing soundly in and out like the pumps when we're wet and fuck so hard we're both sore.,.but the tv is on and our clothes r off and the green neon lights aglow and we smoke our blow. its our secret n we intend 2 keep it. i think its special n only reserved for him- lockets of myself only unlocked by him-my body my voice my loyalty my time my eyes my affections. so i let him consume me with his mouth, let him dig the knife deeper into my spine, we trade clouds of smoke even when it’s yellow and it all smells like grime. he says he has never felt like this alive. ,. like his life didn’t start,.n today was like a first day, a first birth. happy birthday,.,.`,.to all the birthdays you never celebrated before

did u mean it cuz i can’t sleep comfortably with ur head on my palms n they say time will heal it. will u forgive me for the one lie i said out of shame 4 my identity and believe thts all that it was and ever will b. will i forgive u for the harsh words., n the months of abuse

bc it just all feels like chasing,. u say u love me and i ask u where,. can u point to it,,,or is it just void,like storybooks we just read like children that were merely nonfiction,.correct my diction tell me to come correct u are the voice inside my head,.,.i love u i hate u i feel like u wished i was dead. put all the blame and shame on me u made it mine to carry for ur own vanity. rest ur head inside my palm lines ill let them grow old and numb for the rest of the nite if u promise to love me right in the next life

#personal #mine

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aboutagirl4031 · 1 year

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Loving you,

When I think about the culmination of events and words left unsaid, deep down I always knew loving you was what I was meant to do...maybe you weren't made for me but from the moment I saw you my soul knew. I've always ran away from my deeper feelings and its my biggest regret never giving us my full attention but I know now why it happened the way it did. I questioned us not because I was unsure or wanted you gone but because I could never fully get away from you... you love me more and I know how to keep us going, thats just us. All that we do is our perfect...we are messy and tainted, in the beginning i could NEVER admit that I loved you honestly, but now I so effortlessly am able to accept that my heart is always with you no matter what. The scariest part was admitting because id let you drag me down if it meant you even let me look you in the eye and kiss you.

His everything to me and I have full faith that he will always keep my love for him... My loyalties and life are with him forever. He'd haft to be dead for me to stop...ive put myself the countless hours of healing to love him more, when I look back I did this all for him.

I questioned us because how I could be so enamored with his eyes, heart and lips...how could I be so stupid for this person..how could I possibly live my whole day centered around him, I love him til the next life, that is my truth. Because it wasn't perfect or something out of a movie... It was just us, two fucked up kids who couldn't stop chasing what our souls were burning up with. An endless amount of tears, wasted years and the only person who felt like home. When I laid in my bedroom after we first met...i knew I was fucked, the way he made me feel was so strong I could never find it anywhere besides within him. I spent so long thinking and convincing myself that it was even possible to shut it out, numb it and run away from these feelings. Truthfully in all my years of sadness his the only one who moved me, he made me feel again...was it better to feel nothing at all? Because after 6 years my body reacts to him like a drug. I can never get enough while simultaneously feeling so fulfilled with him. His enough for me to kill for him, that much I know is true. I could never let him go, not now...not ever.

I used to run around crying because of how empty I felt and he was there everytime I fell down, his the only reason that I'm still here and I dont ever forget that. When I would go home I counted down the hours til I seen him next, I made sure to always run into him even when we werent suppose to... He was my baby,

Nothing in my life has ever been normal and nothing ever felt right until him, he is my life and I I'll never stop trying to give him my love.

He is my home, sadly when I dont have him by my side nothing ever seems to go right. He is the light that I begged for, he has no idea what he means to me. I'm with you, always have been.

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doebt · 6 years

Text

well good morning i feel like a rotting body

#i feel so sick and my head hurts so bad #i dont want to do anything at all today #dont wanna eat or get outta bed #ive never felt so numb and dead in my life #it was so instantaneous after last night #like that conversation took away the last bit of life left in me #maybe i will make an online purchase today #maybe ill feel alive again if i buy a t shirt #i say stuff like that and then i realize how meaningless it is #and it just makes me feel worse #i rly cant escape this #deer.txt

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giorno-plays-piano · 2 years

Text

Fearless

Part V

Pairing: prince!Bakugo × duke's daughter!reader, a bit of Izuku x reader

Warnings: yandere-ish behaviour, obsession, stalking, Bakugo being an ass; may get darker as the story progresses.

Words: 1.3k

Summary: Locked in a body of a fairytale's character, you are forced to live her life, obeying the the rules of the story where you are the villain. Do you really have no choice but to accept her fate?

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

P.S. Dedicated to all those mangas and manhwas about reincarnated villainess I read 🙄

_________

"He could have killed you, and I just stood there and did nothing."

Feeling numb, you saw your brother bringing his handkerchief to your face as he gently wiped your tears that seemed to still keep flowing down your cheeks. Then he enveloped you in a hug even tighter, making you lean onto his chest as you quietly sat in a complete silence, listening to his heartbeat.

Izuku was right: the prince could have easily killed you. The understanding made you shiver even harder, and you kept silent as you trembled in your brother's arms, thinking how lucky you were to escape. Dear God, you could have been dead. The only reason you still breathed was because Izuku brought the guards to protect you in the moment you needed them most. If it wasn't for him, you would no longer be breathing.

The thought horrified you to the core. Although you didn't know why, but you never took Bakugo for a bloodthirsty type. Yes, he was impatient, stupid, and incredibly rude, but to see him so eager to murder you right on the spot... How could he do this to you? Why? Because he thought you convinced his beloved to run away from him? Was it enough to make him go completely crazy? Why did he raise his sword out of the blue like that?

Or was he mad after he finally realized you had no interest in him whatsoever? When you showed him your potions and elixirs, didn't he understand you had no intention to be further involved with him? Come to think of it, he didn't call you his ex-fiancée. He just called you a fiancée as if you two didn't broke up a long time ago.

Did he feel so miserable he was ready to kill you just to make himself feel better? That why he came up with this ridiculous "demon inside her body" thing?

You couldn't imagine it was the truth behind his reckless actions. When you read the fairytale, you had a very different opinion on him despite Bakugo being an insolent and unkind man...

Well, you were mistaken. He wasn't just undignified, he was dangerous. Maybe it was time to protect herself against someone like him instead of simply ignoring his existence.

"Don't blame yourself," you muttered quietly to Izuku who seemed ready to condemn himself for not being able to prevent you being hurt. "It's not your fault. Who could have thought His Highness would turn mad to attack me like that?"

"After treating you so lowly all this time, does it surprise you? He's as vicious as people say. I should have listened to them, but I thought you were spreading those rumors on purpose to manipulate people around you," he caressed your head so gently as if he were afraid you were going to break. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault, sister. I'm so sorry."

He kept saying it over and over again, pleading you to forgive him, that, in the end, you felt guilty - your heroine had been tormenting him for years for being a child of a lowly noble who was taken into her family out of pity. If you had to list all those things she did to him, you would have to talk for hours. Of course, you didn’t want to hurt him even if he already despised you when you came to possess his sister's body. You were happy you could at least improve your relationship bit by bit after calling off your engagement, but you didn't expect him to apologize to you over something he couldn't control whatsoever.

In the end, it was him who saved you from the prince.

While he wept, this kind, softhearted child, you left a kiss on the top of his head, bringing him to your chest instead. He was so pure he had already forgiven you for all those horrible things his sister did to him.

"It's alright," you whispered, finally calming down as you pet his head like a mother would. "I'm safe thanks to you, aren't you? So don't worry too much. I just need to take care from now on to never meet His Highness again, and I'll be alright then."

"I'll make so he will never step into our house again. If he thinks the Grand Duke's family will take his actions lightly, he'll be surprised."

By the next morning every servant from butler to a scullery maid knew of what had happened, and the rumors started to spread so fast they reached your father faster than you expected. When he found out about prince's behavior, he was more than furious - you had never seen him wearing such an expression that made you shiver, his eyes so dark you were afraid to look at him. He took Bakugo's sword - that fool was stupid enough to take the royal sword with him - and immediately departed to the castle without even sending a request to see the Queen. You wondered if it would cause him troubles and separate him from the royal family even further, but what could else be done after the crown prince openly attacked the Grand Duke's only daugther? Apparently, your father went to the royal castle to demand Her Majesty to never bring you up again and prohibit the prince to appear in your presence unless she wanted to lose whatever support she received from him, a man who put her on the throne when she murdered her husband, the late King. Although you were afraid for him if your father wanted to threaten the Queen herself, Izuku said someone as wise as the Grand Duke wouldn't threaten Her Majesty if he didn't hold enough power over her. Since you have never heard from the royal family ever since then, maybe your brother was right.

After that, there was lots of talk that the prince lost his mother's favor despite her only ever wanting to make him the next king. People said he was locked in the palace without a chance to even leave his chambers, but you didn't think it was true. In the end, someone like Bakugo would always find a way to do as he pleased even after falling out of favor. What surprised you more were the rumors that he was succumbing to his demons even more as he started to drow his sorrows in wine - so many nobles kept repeating it you wondered if it were true. Well, Bakugo still stayed a crown prince even after all he had done. He wouldn't be chased away from the palace anyway, so you weren't too worried about him. In the end, the Queen would take care of him - he was her only child, and she wouldn't give up on him, so you had no reason to think of him any longer.

Nevertheless, it was funny how the situation turned out in your favor when even the servants started treating you much better than before. You stopped hearing any stories about you lacking a heart, and Izuku who started to follow your every step was quick to prevent any rumor berating you whether it came from a commoner or a noble. Soon you were receiving even more invitations to private soirees and balls where everyone treated you with utmost respect - since you went back to your studies and kept experimenting with new medicine, it was good you got a chance to spread the word to the people, slowly building better relationships with those who could be of use to your family.

Your life wasn't going to end when you were no longer related to the prince. You had a bright future awaiting you, a future where your heroine would no longer suffer because of the prince, Cinderella girl, or cruel people wishing for you to fail. You were no longer a villainess who was destined to commit suicide after losing the favour of the man she loved. Now the duke's daugther became the main character of her own story where she would become happy on your own.

___________

Tags: @tspice283 @surprisemodafakas @honeybeehungry @tjmaxx556 @superblyspeedydragon @ssplague

#yandere #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugo katsuki x reader #midoriya izuku x reader #izuku midoriya x reader #katsuki bakugo #bakugou katsuki #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha

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dreamwritesimagines · 3 years

Text

Twisted 28 - Sunlight [Spencer Reid x Reader]

A.N.: Thank you so much for your wonderful support my loves! Here’s the next chapter, I hope you will like it as well, and please let me know what you think of it! ❤❤ Ily, kisses! ❤❤❤

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Murder, serial killers, violence, manipulation, mentions of sex, drinking, smoking, hospitals, medicine.

Word Count: 4400

Summary: Survival makes people stronger.

Everyone’s voices were so muffled that for a moment it felt as if you were under water. It came and went just like the warmth, just like the comfort—

One moment there, the other moment far away, and anytime you tried to reach through that haze, you were pushed back into the numbness.

You could swear at some point your father was there too. You were still at the cabin, in that dress, sitting across from him by the chessboard, and then back at the weekend house where your sister was chasing you around the piano, your mother calling out for you to stop running, then someone pushing you into the lake by the cabin before it changed again and your father handed you a knife.

If this is hell, I’d like to talk to the manager.

But eventually, it all came back to you. There was this heaviness on your hand, your chest and ribs hurt terribly and your forehead kept stinging as you tried to open your eyes to meet the bright lights of the hospital room.

Ah. You weren’t in the woods anymore.

You had made it after all.

The constant beeping of the machine caught your attention for a moment before you looked down to see Spencer’s head resting on your hand, his fingers entwined with yours. Your mother was by the couch, her eyes fixed on the ceiling with a crumpled tissue in her hand and Mina was resting her head on her shoulder.

“Mom?” you rasped out and your mother’s eyes whipped to yours, Mina sat up and Spencer’s head shot up.

“Oh thank God!” your mother jumped out of her seat to come to your beside and pressed a kiss on top of your head, making you wince. “Oh thank God you’re okay…”

“Hey,” Mina wiped at her eyes and cleared her throat, “Welcome back brat.”

You smiled and turned to Spencer who was still holding your hand tight, watching you with bloodshot eyes.

“I know,” you said, “No eyeliner right?”

A small sob mixed with laughter rose from his throat and he pressed your hand to his lips, swallowing thickly.

“Hi.”

“Hey professor,” you tried to smile but you were in too much pain to do so, “Is there like…a morphine button or-?”

“I’ll go get the doctor,” Mina rushed out of the room and closed the door behind her, and your mother pulled back.

“How do you feel honey?”

“Like I crawled out of hell,” you said, “Is- is everyone okay?”

“Everyone is fine.”

“Where’s Lily?”

“With Kenzie and Nolan, outside.”

You let out a breath and turned to Spencer.

“You figured it out?” you asked, “The note?”

“Ophelia, yeah,” he sniffled and nodded fervently, “Cabin by the lake, we were on our way there when—” he stopped talking as if remembering it was way too heavy on him and you squeezed his hand.

“How did I….” you looked between them, “Survive? Erica shot me.”

“The helicopter,” your mother said, “We sent it with a medic and a sniper just in case.”

“You sent a helicopter with a medic and a sniper?” you repeated, “Mom, that sounds like a joke.”

“Well I’m glad you find it funny,” your mother wiped at her eyes again, “Because you’re grounded for the rest of your life.”

“Okay,” you shot a look at Spencer, “Ignore this.”

“No, not even your boyfriend can help you right now.”

“They still like you, no worries,” you explained and he shook his head slightly, reaching out to touch your cheek as if trying to prove to himself that you were real.

“I thought—“ he started and blinked back the tears, gritting his teeth and you rubbed your thumb over his hand.

“I’m fine,” you said and lifted your head when the thought hit you, “Wait what happened to Lincoln?”

A shadow crossed Spencer’s eyes and your mother flexed her fingers as if she wanted to throttle someone upon hearing his name.

“That monster is currently handcuffed to a hospital bed,” she said, “But not to worry, we put ten guards in front of his door, and I will make sure to ruin his life myself.”

“He survived?”

“Barely,” Spencer said through his teeth but before he could say anything else, the door opened and a doctor stepped in. Even you could hear Lily’s very loud protests, Kenzie trying to shush her and you smiled slightly before turning to the doctor who was checking the file in her hand.

“Hello Y/N,” she said cheerfully “Nice to see you awake, for a moment you had me worried we wouldn’t get to meet. So, we have head trauma, a bullet wound, broken ribs and blood loss. Were you trying to fill out a bingo of dangerous injuries or…?”

“Go big or go home doc,” you nodded and she raised her brows.

“Should I put in a psychiatric evaluation in here as well then?”

“Yes please,” your mother pinched the bridge of her nose and you heaved a sigh, making a face.

“Pain?”

“A lot.”

“Let’s see what we can do about that,” she said and Spencer stood up.

“Can I see her chart please?” he asked and she took almost taken aback before showing him the chart.

“I’d like to change these two meds,” Spencer said and started listing off his suggestions while you watched him with a smile on your face.

“Spencer,” you said, “Please let the nice and smart lady do her job.”

The doctor grinned at you, “That’s alright. Is there anything you would like to ask me?”

“Two questions. One, when can I go home?”

“We’d like to keep you under observation for a couple of days, depending on how fast your body shows progress to heal.”

“Okay. Can I smoke here?”

“Oh Jesus Christ,” your mother threw her head back, Spencer just stared at you and the doctor blinked a couple of times.

“Since this job taught me never to take any question as hypothetical,” she said, “I’m just going to answer it. No, under absolutely no circumstances are you allowed to smoke here.”

You curled your lips, “It was worth a try.”

“We’ll give you some really good painkillers, don’t worry,” she winked, “I’ll let the rest of your family in and see you later.”

She walked to the door and opened it, and soon enough Lily rushed inside but as soon as she leaped at you, Kenzie caught her mid-air like a troublesome cat.

“No, what did I say outside?”

“But mama—“

“It’s okay Kenz. Hi bug.”

Kenzie gave you a teary eyed smile and slowly set Lily down, and she hugged her teddy bear before taking a step towards you, nibbling on her lip.

“Does it hurt?” she pointed at the stitches on your forehead and you tilted your head.

“Just a little, sweetie.”

She carefully put the teddy bear beside your bed and grinned at you.

“Mr. Chocolate Chip Cookie will be your friend here,” she patted the teddy bear’s head and you let out a small laugh.

“I really appreciate it bug, thank you,” you said and held the teddy bear in your lap before you turned to Nolan. “Hey man, thanks for the helicopter.”

“Thanks for the almost heart attack,” he replied and fixed his bowtie, “You keep me young with all this panic and adrenaline. Honestly Y/N, never do that to us again, please.”

“I’ll try my best not to get kidnapped by a maniac again,” you stated, “Besides, mom already grounded me so…”

“Good! No jet for you for a while young lady.”

A nurse came in to inject the painkiller into your IV, and you smiled at the sight of your family fondly, then cleared your throat.

“Hey, not that I didn’t miss you guys,” you said, “But um…can I talk to Spencer for a moment?”

Kenzie and Mina exchanged looks and Kenzie lifted Lily up.

“We’ll be right outside,” she said and walked to the door. One by one they left the room and your jaw dropped when you saw Mina squeezing Spencer’s shoulder before she left as well.

“Well, something changed,” you commented and Spencer came to pull a chair next to the bed before he reached out to hold your hand.

“She was the first one to talk to me when we landed,” his voice still didn’t sound so strong and you frowned.

“What did she say?”

“Go there and bring my sister back.” Spencer said and ran a hand over his eyes, “Based on the profile, I thought he’d already—“ he couldn’t even finish that sentence before he kissed the back of your hand, “I thought I lost you.”

“Nah, cigarettes will kill me, not serial killers,” you reached out to push a curl out of his eyes, “I thought you knew that. All looks and no smarts, aren’t you?”

He scoffed a shaky laugh and you licked your lips.

“What happened there?” you asked, “I heard gunshots after Erica shot me, is she—“

“Dead,” Spencer nodded, “She was shot right there.”

You could feel the goosebumps on your skin, “And Lincoln?”

“I was going to kill him,” Spencer said, “If I got there first, I would’ve.”

“Spencer you don’t mean that.”

“I do,” he told you, a dangerous light gleaming in his eyes, “I do mean that.”

You heaved a sigh, now easier thanks to the painkillers, “Yeah well, I guess I know the feeling.”

“Um- the team is outside as well by the way,” he said, “Luke and Garcia has been here the whole night, and I’ve been instructed to tell you, word by word, no amount of pastries will excuse the worry you put them through.”

You grinned, the tired haze of sleep crashing on you, “Ouch, I’ll have to try harder I guess,” you said and yawned, making Spencer smile.

“Rest a little,” he said, “I’ll stay right here, okay?”

You nodded and leaned your head back to the pillows, then closed your eyes.

***

You were given the permission to go home after a week because your mother insisted on keeping you there until she was convinced you wouldn’t drop dead all of a sudden. Surprisingly enough, she didn’t raise hell when you told her you would be staying at Spencer’s place for a while, and for once, Mina agreed with you.

You really needed to ask Spencer what had happened while you were gone, in detail.

It was strange, but your sleep was much less disturbed after you had returned from the hospital. When you were in hospital you had just assumed it was because of the meds they had given you, but now, sleeping with Spencer in his bed, there was still no sign of any nightmares.

With you, that was. Spencer was a completely different story.

You still had to be careful because of your ribs and the doctor had told you to be careful with how you slept, so the moment you moved a little in your sleep and felt the pain shooting through you, you made a face and reached for Spencer’s side of the bed only to meet an empty spot. You opened your eyes, and carefully sat up in bed, trying to hear whether there was any noise to signal he was coming back to bed but there was none, so you slipped out of the bed and walked to the living room.

Of course he was there. Cradling a cup with steam coming out of it in his hands, staring into the darkness as if he was lost in his own mind.

“Spencer?” you said softly and he turned his head, snapping out of his thoughts.

“Hey,” he said, trying to smile, “Why are you up?”

“I could ask you the same question,” you tilted your head before you went to sit beside him and he ran a hand through his curls.

“It’s not important.”

“Nightmares?” you asked and he nodded silently.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe later,” he murmured, “How about you? Any pain? Do you need an ice bag?”

You shook your head, “Nah it’s fine,” you said, “It doesn’t hurt that terribly.”

“And your nightmares?”

You shrugged, “No nightmares. I mean—at least not like the earlier ones. Not where I’m turning into him.”

“Trauma works differently in everyone.”

“I don’t think it’s the trauma though,” you said, “I think it’s because…because I know now.”

He raised his brows, his whole attention on you, “What do you mean?”

“It’s not in me,” you said, “It’s just—it’s just not. I don’t think it ever was. My father killed people because it made him feel powerful. It wasn’t like that with me, back at the cabin. It was survival. For me and people I care about, that’s all. It doesn’t make me evil.”

That seemed to pull him out of his thoughts and he smiled.

“No it doesn’t,” he said, “You’ve never been evil. Even when he tried to turn you into that.”

Even your heart felt light, despite the pain in your ribs and your smile widened.

“I know he’s not dead but…”

“He’s locked away. Same difference from now on.”

You paused for a moment, “Speaking of,” you said, “I was thinking I could go and see him for the last time.”

He frowned, “Why?”

“I don’t know. I think it’ll help me put this whole thing behind me.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“I want to see the look on his face when he realizes his small project failed,” you said, “Trust me. There’s no way he can get to me, not anymore.”

He rubbed his thumb over your hand and you leaned back to the back of the couch, still keeping your gaze on his handsome face.

“You don’t have to come with me,” you said, “If it’s too much.”

“It’s not that,” he rasped out, “Officially, I might not be allowed in.”

“Why not?”

“I’m leaving the BAU.”

You blinked a couple of times, gawking at him, then sat up straighter.

“What?”

“I can’t anymore,” he averted his glances from you to look into space, nibbling on his lip, “Y/N, I was out of the city when they called me to tell me you were missing, that you were most probably taken by the copycat. And for the whole time until I found you…” his voice cracked, “Lincoln’s profile, before we even knew that he was Lincoln, it all suggested that he…killed his victims without spending any time with them. I thought—“ he sniffled and cleared his throat, “I can’t do that anymore. Imagining you like all those victims…”

“Spencer, I’m fine.”

“But you weren’t,” he said, barely moving his lips, “Back there.”

Ah. The woods.

“That’s what your nightmare was about?” you asked and he heaved a shaky sigh.

“I couldn’t save you,” he said, “You died there, and I couldn’t do anything, I was too late—“

“Spencer,” you reached out to touch his cheek, “Hey, look at me.”

He turned his head so that his eyes would meet yours and you dragged your fingertips over the slight stubble on his cheek.

“You weren’t too late,” you told him, “And I didn’t die. Okay? I’m right here. Don’t leave the BAU because of me, do it only if you want to. I’ll be with you either way.”

He blinked back the tears and nodded. “I want to,” he whispered, “I can’t anymore, and I want- I want to be here. I’ll just…I’ll focus on teaching, and the team can consult me whenever they need to, but I need to be here.”

“And you’re sure about that? It’s not some…heat of the moment decision?”

“It’s not,” he said, “I’m positive.”

“Alright,” you smiled at him softly, “Okay then. I guess instead of talking about gruesome murders and copycats who were after me, we can be one of those boring, cliché couples who bicker about…I don’t know, dirty dishes in the sink, or how you forgot to put down the toilet seat or-“

“Your hair in the drain.”

“I’m going to pretend like you weren’t waiting for the opportunity to bring that up.”

He let out a teary laugh and wiped at his eyes before he pulled you closer and carefully wrapped his arms around you so as not to hurt your ribs, burying his face into the crook of your neck. You brushed your fingers through his curls, as if trying to prove to him that you were there, that you were alright.

“I love you so much,” the confession left his lips in a whisper and you could feel the burning behind your eyes as you raked your nails over the nape of his neck gently.

“I love you too,” you murmured, “God, you have no idea how much.”

***

The BAU, upon your request, fixed a meeting with your father for the next week.

And throughout that week, everyone tried to convince you to change your mind. Your mother had made a whole scene during brunch, telling you that it was as if you liked torturing yourself, but you knew deep down that you had to talk to him for the last time.

Seeing your father after what felt like a life time, especially after everything that you had been through was strange at the very least. You didn’t have any goosebumps, you didn’t have that nervousness messing with your head, you didn’t feel like you were under the threat of being attacked any time, and most of all—

You didn’t feel like he was stronger than you. At all.

You lit a cigarette in the interrogation room, then flipped the cap of the lighter and turned your head when the door opened and your father walked in, chains dangling from his handcuffs wrapped around his ankles. He stared at you for a couple of seconds as if he didn’t expect to see you there and let out a breath.

“Petal…”

“You should sit down,” you said, exhaling the smoke and a guard helped him sit down across from you.

“We’re right outside, miss.”

“Thank you,” you said and watched as he straightened his back, his gaze focused on you.

“You look…” he trailed off and you raised your brows,

“Hm?”

“What did they do to you?”

“Ah I guess your outside source ending up dead gets you a bit behind on the news,” you said, “Erica is dead, Lincoln is never gonna see the sunlight again, and your whole project to turn me into your legacy with the help of them failed terribly.”

“I’d never allow them to harm you like this.”

You rolled your eyes, exhaling the smoke.

“But you fought your way out, didn’t you?” he asked you, “Looks like my training helped you after all. Even if you refuse to see that.”

“Did you seriously think I’d become like you?” you asked back, “Did you think Lincoln would manage to turn me into you?”

“Honey, Lincoln was going to be your companion at best, your first kill at worst.” he said and you clicked your tongue.

“Oh, that was your plan all along?”

“Some part of it, at least. I knew they wouldn’t be able to handle you, but I thought you could decide what to do with them. Could you kill Erica at least?”

“Didn’t get the chance.”

“You should have,” he said, “You would see, Petal.”

You twirled the cigarette between your fingers, staring at him for a couple of seconds.

“I keep thinking,” you mused, “You know what I said to Mina and Kenzie when they first told me they wanted to have a baby?”

He tilted his head, “Hm? What?”

“I asked them if they lost their minds.”

Your father pulled back slightly and you shrugged your shoulders.

“Because I mean… Kenzie’s parents are assholes, and there’s you,” you motioned at him, “Not that anyone else could take the cake on being a messed up parent when you’re in the picture.”

“I take offense to that.”

“I don’t care,” you said, “But then it hit me, back at the hospital. I was looking at this whole mess from the wrong perspective.”

“Which is?”

“They had a point,” you said, “Back then- before all this I mean, I thought when someone decided to have kids, their first priority was to be the perfect parent. That’s stupid, it’s impossible to be the perfect parent, our own parents mess us up in one way or another. But I get it now.”

“You get what?”

“The first step is being better than your own parents, not starting out perfect,” you said, “That’s why every generation is different, we’re all trying to be better than our parents, and some of us actually succeed.”

“And you think you’d be a better parent than me, is that it?”

“Shouldn’t take that much of an effort to be honest.”

“Are you…?” he motioned at you and you scoffed.

“No,” you said, “No, but what happened back there made me think. I’ve been living my whole life so convinced that you messed me up beyond my own control, beyond saving, but that’s not completely true, is it? I mean, just because you’re in my past, doesn’t mean I’ll have to include you in my present.”

“But I am in your present Petal.”

You pursed your lips together, then gestured around you. “Debatable. Nolan is buying this whole place, did you know that?” you asked, “All your guards are on our paychecks, so it should be harder to…use them to contact outside. We control everything that’s happening here, and there’s nothing you can do about that.”

He blinked a couple of times, trying to catch up with your train of thought.

“And you think that will be enough to put me behind you?”

You shook your head, “No, I don’t think it’s that easy,” you confessed, “But it’s a start.”

He moved his hands on the table, the chain rattling.

“I raised you.” he said, “I’m inside your head, whether you like it or not. You’re my legacy—“

“I’m my own legacy, you fucking idiot,” you said with a small chuckle, “That’s who I am. Just because your expectations of me will not leave me, doesn’t mean I’ll let them haunt me.”

“And you think that will be enough.”

“I will never see you again,” you tilted your head, “Should make things easier, to be honest.”

He smiled, “But you already hurt people,” he said “You know how it feels now, don’t you? That fire? Now you know what you’re capable of.”

You thought for a moment.

“Yeah,” you said, “Yeah I do. Now I know that if it ever comes to that point, I’m capable of protecting myself and my family. It doesn’t make me a monster, it makes me a survivor. Me and mom have that in common, after the shit you’ve pulled.”

He stared at you and you took a last drag of your cigarette, then checked your wristwatch.

“Well I should go. You may have all the time in the world, but I actually have a life, so…”

You stubbed your cigarette and walked to the door but as soon as you opened it, he said your name, making you stop.

“You can’t escape from this,” he said, “Even if you never see me again, you still won’t escape, you know that, right? Why do you think I chose you and not your sister? Even when you were a child, you had…something in you. Something dark, something dangerous.”

The idea was very familiar to you. You had been saying the same thing to yourself for many years and hearing it from him for what felt like a hundredth time was supposed to make you feel bad, you knew that. If it were any other time before your kidnapping, before saving yourself in that cabin, before surviving everything your father and his followers had put you through, it would probably have more effect on you.

The last time he had done that, you had ended up in the stairs, shaking until Spencer had found you.

But it wasn’t that time.

It was as if something had clicked inside your head after everything, and your father’s words held no strength in them.

“Come on honey,” he told you, “Some people are just born twisted.”

A small smile pulled at your lips and you raised your brows, looking at him for a couple of seconds, etching the sight of him in chains into your memory.

“Maybe,” you said and took a step towards him, opening your cigarette case to pull out the small jasmine flower out of it, then put it on the table, eyes locked to his before you leaned in slightly.

“But I wasn’t.”

With that, you turned around and walked out of the interrogation room for the last time, ignoring the way he was yelling your name. Your smile widened as you made your way out of the building, your heels echoing in the halls before you stepped out, the fresh air filling your lungs.

“Hey,” Spencer greeted you, leaning back to your car and reached out so that you could step into his embrace as he pushed your hair out of your face, “How did it go?”

“As expected,” you stood on your tiptoes to press a kiss on his lips and he heaved a sigh.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you said “Yeah I feel like…he’s gone. He’s gone, I’m here and I’m free and I know myself now. I finally woke up from that nightmare, for good.”

He smiled and brushed his lips against yours, “That’s a good start,” he commented, “What do you want to do now?”

“I’m open to suggestions,” you said and he tilted his head before he held up your keys.

“What do you say we drive away and never return here?”

You let out a small giggle and wrapped your arms around his neck.

“I like that idea,” you said, “Let’s drive away and never return.”

Chapter 29

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #twisted #spencer reid imagine #spencer #reid

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obxjj · 3 years

Text

the way we heal | jj maybank

- pairings: jj maybank x reader

- summary: people deal with trauma in different ways but it seems that jj thinks you don't care about the loss of your friends and deep down himself but he just needs to understand that people heal in their own time and through their own meanings, he just needed to be reassured of it. kinda pre season 2 ep 1 give ot take

- warning(s): really motherfucking angsty and swearing. mention of substance abuse

- wc: 2.2k :))))

a/n: all my fics the pogues and reader are the age 17/18 only because that's more comfortable for me to write. its been a long long time since i have wrote something so sorry for and spelling errors

People tend to deal with trauma differently. It could be resulting to crying you eyes out until you can’t breath and you can’t see through your tears clouding your eyes. Drinking until your liver wants to shut down and you whole body is so numb that yourself and everyone around you is so tuned out that you can’t function. Resulting to drugs to either feel something or not to feel anything at all. Or to have something to blame your actions on from yourself acting out simply because you don’t know how to handle the situation of a friend dying.

See you on the other hand dealt with it internally or the whim and feeling of not accepting death. Maybe it was your subconscious talking wanting you not to accept or maybe it was the gut feeling that you always got telling you that they were actually alive and have survived that storm that ‘supposedly’ had swept them away because “no body was found”.

This ‘gut feeling’ had always been right in many life or death situations. Or even just you picking out an outfit that you were unsure of whether it was going to get the boys attention that you had a crush on. It did indeed get his attention that night because that’s how you ended up loosing your virginity that night but that’s besides the point.

The best way you could describe it was like when people would do personality tests and it would ask “are you controlled by your heart or what you feel” probably not those exact words but you get the point. I felt with my feelings if my gut said yes then it was a yes.

Since the night that John B and Sarah had ‘died’ your gut had been telling you the opposite. That they were in fact not dead. As Big John use to say when you were a kid, you can never kill a Routledge. At the time it seemed like bullshit but now it was starting to grow on you.

However now your two friends were presumed dead and not everyone dealt with trauma like you did. Some would even go as far to say that you didn’t actually give a fuck that your friends were dead because you hadn’t cried or you hadn’t drunk yourself into a state of no return or resulted to smoking weed every single day and spray painted ‘murder’ on Ward Cameron’s estate. But at least Kiara wasn’t lying.

But the thing was you hadn’t cried because you couldn’t, you quite literally hated crying because it made you feel weak. Even if you tried and you tried your hardest but nothing came. At this point you could go as far as denial. This gut feeling was like getting hit by a semi truck every time a thought came into your head questioning maybe they were dead. Maybe they did get swept away at sea and never to return.

Your gut feeling was simply not letting you mourn the loss of John B and Sarah and now everyone thought you were an emotionless bitch. I mean they were right to a point but not the whole point.

So that brought you to current day driving around the Cut and night playing fucking real life Where’s Wally but its Where’s JJ Maybank because he’s blacked out drunk somewhere and now you’re on a rescue mission. Not like you had done enough of those in the last few weeks.

About an hour ago your phone rang and it was JJ asking you to come pick him up since somehow he had now idea where he had ended up and was too far gone to put together his surroundings. Well that’s what you had assumed he said since you had to decipher his slurred words.

At this point you had driven around the whole island and gone to every hid out spot that he would go smoke at or to just get away from everyday life. You had gone to all but one place. Where you avoiding that particular house because it held so many memories, plus the fact you hadn’t been near the place since shit hit rock bottom. Yes? But it was the highest chance that JJ was sitting on that dock with his legs swinging over it with a beer in hand.

Well you were right. As you walked down the old dock to where JJ was sitting it was if you could feel all the emotions, thoughts and disbelief crawling their way up your skin from the ground you were walking on. But that gut feeling was like a wave of fire, burning it all the way back to the ground.

“I don’t know why I just didn’t look here first. I should have known aye” you half heartedly said trying to keep the conversation light since you didn’t know what state JJ was going to be in. From the huff you got in response told you he wasn’t in the mood to talk.

“How much have you had J?” You asked with concern but still trying to keep you voice light and less reprimanding because you knew he was in a too fragile state for you to be angry.

“Does it even matter how much Iv had. I don’t feel shit anymore” he replied back with his words straight forward and sobered.

“Well have you even given yourself a break for your body to sober up for you to even feel the effects of it? Or have you still been going since yesterday when I saw you? J its not going to do shit if you don’t give it a rest for at least a day or so” you said back trying you best to keep you and your voice as calm as possible. You fucking hated seeing JJ like this, you would never say it to his face but fuck it just reminded you of his dad when he got into states like this. Until the last week you had never seen JJ this bad. But could you blame him.

“You just don’t get it do you” JJ was now facing you and by the tone of his voice you had unintentionally struck a nerve that you were actively avoiding. “Why did you even fucking come if you’re just going to tell me how I should cope. Do you even care that JB has gone? He was our best fucking friend. He was my fucking brother my only family! And he’s fucking gone just like his old man. You haven’t even shed a tear y/n. You’re just acting like nothing had happened. Do you even care!” JJ was now on his feet breathing heavily and his jaw so clenched you’re surprised his teeth haven’t broken

“J, please do not yell at me right now” you asked with your voice shaking trying to hold back something that was bubbling at the surface. Was it anger or was it the water works that desperately needed to be let out.

JJ started to walk back up the dock, showing that he was done with this conversation that he could have avoided if he didn’t ask you in the first place to come pick him up. Deep down he knew that you would be the only one to come and get him, he just wasn’t as good at showing his gratefulness due to the alcohol that was numbing him.

“JJ just wait please, please don’t walk away” You stood back up and starting walking after him quick on the backs of his feet. He halted his tracks and turned around to look at you with a pained look in his face, as you got up close you could see his eyes stained red. Either from crying or the linger of weed still in his system.

“What could you possibly want to say y/n. I really thought you would be the last person not to care about this” JJ was now right up in your face and his voice was holding back trying his best not to yell. But that last sentence had taken you back.

“You think I don’t care JJ!” now you starting yelling “of course I give a shit JJ our friends are gone, they are not fucking here. I know it might not seem that I don’t care. But just because I’m not crying my eyes out every hour or drinking myself into a state where I don’t now where the fuck I am or getting high that I spray paint on any wall I see” your breath was now battling to come to the surface because you were talking so fast.

“Just because Im not doing any of those things doesn’t mean I don’t care JJ! People deal with this shit differently and you need to understand that” you breathed out trying to grasp for air again “the thing is JJ I have this annoying gut feeling thats telling me that John B and Sarah are not dead, and its literally preventing me to mourn them. I have convinced myself that they are alive and I can’t fucking mourn non dead people J. I don’t know how to fucking explain it”

“Well why didn’t you just tell us that” he replied after bit letting your whole rant sink into his brain, weaving its way through the alcohol that was clouding it.

“Because JJ! Even saying that out loud I sound fucking crazy, like I’m in a deep pit of denial. The thing is I’m far from denial. Yes I know there is a massive fucking fat chance that they are dead and have been food for the sharks” you exclaimed

“Don’t make it worse y/n” JJ shook his head not very happy with your choice of words

“Okay yeah sorry bad wording. Im sorry” you lowered your head in sorrow wanting to slap yourself in the face for trying to make jokes out of trauma.

“So its not that I don’t care J, trust me I do care. But John B and Sarah are not physically here with us and I cant physically care for them right now. But when we see them can do that”

“Y/n -“ JJ tried to get a word in but you hadn’t finished

“Don’t JJ. We will see them again” you put an emphasis on ‘will’ “I trust my gut and even you know that when I get a gut feeling that it’s always been right. Correct?”

“Yes but -“ he tried to get another word in but you needed him to listen.

“JJ I care about you. I care about Kiara and Pope. You guys are physically here for me to care for. The thing is I haven’t spoken to Kie since she’s with Pope half the time and I have spoken to Pope since he’s with Kid half the time and you? I can’t speak to you because your too far gone in beers to for me to even get a coherent conversation in” This was such an over due conversation to be had, you were now on the verge of hyperventilating. You needed JJ to hear this. Fully sober would have been better but half sober is the best you’re gonna get.

“JJ I understand if that’s how you’re going to deal with all of this but you can’t throw yourself completely away. We need you. I need you JJ. I can’t have you going off the deep end and then we loose you too. You need to be here for when we get John B back. He will need you for when he’s back”. The water works that you had been holding back had finally been released and trust it to be in front of JJ. He was your fucking rock, you couldn’t loose him. No way that would be your last day on earth if that were to happen.

“I-. Im sorry. I’m just so fucking lost y/n. I don’t know what the fuck to do. You’re always at work and Kie and Pope are god knows where. I just want this to go away so fucking bad. All this pain, I feel like I have no one” JJ was now crying to and gripping your waist as is you could float away into the air

“I know JJ, but you have us you have always had us. But you have to be so stubborn sometimes that you won’t let us in and help, you won’t let me in a help you” you had JJ’s face in your hands making him look at you so he knew you meant every single word. “I’m so sorry if you didn’t think I cared and I wasn’t there to help you, I just deal with this shit in a different way. Just like every single other person. We all heal differently and that’s okay. It dosent mean we care less. It doesn’t mean I care less”

Now there you and JJ stand on the dock leading off the chateau both in each others embrace purging the pain that’s both been locked up inside you for so long. The past you and JJ had people really didn’t tend to understand but neither did you. But you would always find your way back to each other at the end of the day. Despite the fights you had in the past and the days you would be at each others throats screaming at each other to the days you would be secretly stealing a glance at him because you just couldn’t help yourself.

You would always be there to help him take the pain away and he was always be there to do the same for you.

#jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank fanfiction #jj maybank #outerbanks #outerbanks fanfic #obx #outerbanks season 2 #jj maybank imagine

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