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eclecticvalor · 3 years

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7 Things I experience as a DID System. Mental Health Awareness Month.

In light of May being America’s mental health awareness month, I wanted to talk about something that has consumed my entire life for the past year and a half: Treatment and healing from a disorder that is stigmatised into the ground by poor representation and misunderstandings both socially and in the medical field. Those who are close to me know first hand how my symptoms and experiences have shaped the way I interact with the world since starting treatment, but aside from my closest friends and family, and the people I live with, I don’t normally talk about the fact that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and what that means to me.

Hi. My name is Atlas, some people call me Cadyn, and I am the primary host of 26 fragmented parts of my consciousness. I am not dangerous, none of my parts or alters are dangerous, and no, it is not like “Split”.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a trauma based dissociative disorder listed in both the DSM IV and V, and is recognized as an uncommon disorder characterized by two or more distinct personality states existing within the same consciousness. These personality states come to be when natural childhood development is disrupted by severe, continued, or repetitive, trauma, the child has a natural inclination towards heavy dissociation, and a lack of adult or parental support to develop the means to cope with the things happening to them.

Unfortunately popular mental health media has seen an uptake in people viewing DID as a quirky “trait”, the ability to have functional imaginary friends living in your head... but in reality DID is a lot darker, a lot scarier, and isn’t something I’d wish upon my worst enemy. Because of this media spike I wanted to share 7 things that living with Dissociative identity disorder means to me

1. Amnesia

Living with DID means that I miss out on a lot of my life. A primary symptom of DID is amnesia. I have no solid memories before the age of 13, and the memories I do have are often skewed, incorrect, or completely false as my brain fought for a way to fill in gaps and cope with the loss of memory. I forget a lot, and not just things like forgetting where I left my wallet and keys, or forgetting the day - those do happen, but I also mean forgetting big things, important life experiences and things I wish with all my being that I could remember like my highschool graduation and my wedding reception.

I often forget important day to day things that make it difficult to maintain life as an adult, like doctors appointments, work schedules, meetings, and important daily tasks. I’ll forget that I’ve eaten at all that day and risk going days without eating, or overeating due to having no recollection of the last time I’d eaten. I forget birthdays (especially my own), anniversaries, and important holidays.

To an outsider, who has no idea what’s happening inside my head, this can come across as though I’m thoughtless or unreliable. That I am cold for forgetting an important date, or simply that I just don’t care when this very much is not the case.

2. Alienation

Oftentimes DID comes with a sense of alienation from people who you’re supposed to know. For me a really clear example of this is when I previously mentioned my childhood memories being skewed - I have a clear memory of a conversation I was having with some blood relatives a few years back in which I mentioned that one family member I had happy childhood memories of, and remembered playing together as kids, but with another family member they were practically a stranger to me. I had, and still have, no memories of ever spending time with them growing up, no memories of having any kind of relationship with them at all. My understanding of our relationship was that it was “forced” because we were family and our parents expected us to exist in the same space as we grew up, but that we never talked. But I was informed by a separate member of the family that I was very wrong, and this “stranger” was actually someone I had been close to growing up. This is a common experience with DID patients, and also a very frustrating one. It creates feelings of “You know me but I don’t know you”, and it’s extremely difficult to trust your own judgement of the people you know, because you often can’t tell if your judgement is skewed by your memories or lack thereof.

3. PTSD and Flashbacks

A diagnosis of C-PTSD (Or complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is required for a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. This means that while the individual symptoms of DID can be frustrating, scary and sometimes depressing, the most difficult aspect of DID, and the most important to focus on in treatment is the PTSD symptoms.

PTSD symptoms in DID can be extremely powerful due to the additional dissociative aspect. This can mean that for a lot of DID patients, flashbacks can produce full blown body sensations, hallucinations and terrifying delusions. This is One thing that I find incredibly difficult to talk about, but I also believe is extremely important to understand. It can be embarrassing, shameful and while I only speak for myself in saying this, can cause a lot of guilt and grief. There have been times where I have been experiencing powerful flashbacks and did not recognize my own husband, resulting in lash outs and fear towards him being delusioned into thinking that he was out to hurt me, or had harmful intent for just existing in the same space as I was.

For me, a single wiff of a familiar smell, hearing a sound, a certain color, an idea, a name, a passing thought or comment can throw my previously stable mental state into one of pure panic, hyperventilation, hallucination, delusion, fight-flight-freeze and reactionary responses. Through treatment I’ve developed adaptive and healthy coping skills and management responses but trauma responses can be so quick, and so unexpected that I don’t always have time to process my coping skills before my body and mind respond in negative ways.

4. Decision making and skewed Behavior

Because living with DID, means living with a shared or fragmented consciousness, this often means that while I may not remember, my life is still being lived during my time of memory loss. Alters or parts will take control and operate my body, reacting to things, interacting with people, completing tasks and functioning. But oftentimes parts who take control are very different from myself, and make choices and decisions that I wouldn’t normally make, and sometimes decisions I wouldn’t *ever* make. An example of this is the fact that technically I am a conservative voter, despite myself as an individual having leftist or NDP views, or decisions to leave or apply for jobs and work positions that I have no interest in, or that I don’t even have the qualifications or physique to do, or leaving ones that I personally loved and excelled at. This also reflects a lot in everyday life in more subtle things, decisions like what food to eat, things to buy, activities to do shift between parts while they’re in control.

To outsiders this can look a lot like impulsivity, lack of self-control, or lack of a sense of identity. This is a huge reason why a lot of DID patients are often misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder because the behaviour between alters can be so drastically different that it can look a *lot* like manic or depressive states.

5. Denial and Dismissing Trauma

A very common experience among DID patients is denial and being dismissive or disregarding the things that happened to them. I often find myself in a state of questioning whether my symptoms, my disorder, and even my trauma were ever real to begin with. In therapy I find myself saying “It’s not that big of a deal” or “It wasn’t that big of a deal” more times than I’m actually saying anything productive. A huge part of this is why I wanted to make this list, because the media, and a lot of medical circles deny that DID exists or believe it’s impossibly rare and those, while both false, can cause intense feelings of “Maybe I’m just doing this for attention”. DID is a very real, very difficult disorder to diagnose, to treat, and to live with disorder, and while it is uncommon, statistics show that approximately 1-2% of western population is diagnosed, and up to a suspected 7% are living with the disorder undiagnosed because of these misconceptions. It is not common, and it’s not something that everyone is going to have, but it is a very possible response to very real trauma and is a valid diagnosis to give to those meeting the criteria.

6. Hidden Symptoms

DID is often referred to as a “covert” presenting disorder. What this means is that most commonly outsiders, friends, family, employers and even the patient themselves can have a nearly impossible time recognizing the symptoms, and it often goes unnoticed until an event destabilizes the function of the person’s life. This can lead to a lot of backlash or denial coming from peers and family close to the person. This leads to the patient hearing a lot of: “I’ve never noticed personality changes”, “You don’t act like you have it”, “You couldn’t possibly have that”, “No, I would have noticed”, “You have to be mistaken”, “There’s no way, it would have been obvious”. And so, so much more. The reality of DID is that it’s *not* noticeable. It’s a safety response that the brain created to protect the psyche from the intense damages that come with long term trauma experiences, so it’s often designed to hide itself from abusers or perceived threats as a way to compartmentalize trauma memories and maintain the ability to survive through stress and unstable situations. Not being able to “notice” is kind of the point in most cases.

7. Wandering and Dissociative Episodes

Living with untreated or unmanaged DID can potentially be dangerous due to episodes of dissociation, “wandering” experiences (where the patient will wander away from home, family, or life in a confusion, attempt to return to a perceived life never lived, or in a state of belief that their current life is unsafe). For me this took a head last year, and was actually an event that led to the solidification that this disorder was the explanation to my experiences. According to nurses and my husband, I had wandered into the emergency room of a hospital in the middle of the night, with no idea who or where I was, with no idea how to return home, or even where home was. I was wearing a t-shirt, and it had been raining, and my body was so cold they needed to retake my vitals nearly 6 times because they were unable to get an appropriate reading. After discovering my identity, my husband was called to take me home. Working with a therapist helped to develop a safety plan during events like this to prevent harm from coming to my body, or from ending up in newly traumatic environments, but I was lucky. These situations can lead to re-traumatization, victimization, it can lead to kidnapping, assault, it can lead to being injured or harmed by environmental factors and so much more and it is so incredibly important that DID patients work with their therapist to develop solid safety plans proactively to make sure that the patient doesn’t experience any worst case scenarios during episodes like this.

Conclusion

My experiences are individual to me, and to my psyche. Not everyone will experience the disorder the same way, because not everyone experiences or responds to trauma the same way. I am so lucky, and extremely privileged to be able to access consistent care and treatment, that I found a professional who trusts me, and is focused on stabilizing and supporting. Too many people living with this disorder have no access to supportive mental health care because of the misconceptions that parts of the medical field hold regarding the legitimacy or frequency that the disorder develops, and too many peers and circles of people outcast or disregard the very real, very difficult experiences because they don’t understand the disorder, or believe it doesn’t exist, or believe it looks like split. If you, or someone you know is struggling with Dissociative symptoms, or dissociative identity disorder do not be afraid to reach out to a professional for support, and educate yourself on the reality of the disorder.

#dissociative identity disorder #DID System #dissociation #mental health awareness #mental illness #mentalhealthawareness #mental health #actuallydissociative #dissociative amnesia #education #psychotherapy #experience #actuallytraumatized #trauma #actuallydid #did/osdd

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angeltrapz · 3 years

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for the “give me a character” meme! Eric, Adam, William, Mallick, Strahm, Rigg!!!!

YESS thank u!!!!

Eric:

How I feel about this character: That's my boy!!! <33

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Uuuu okay. Adam, obviously, but concerning the SAW polycule: Adam, Art, Lawrence, William, & Mallick!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Him & Rigg!!! That's his best friend!!! + he and Gibson in the Eric Lives AU!! (Gibson IS dating his best friend + recognizes that he's made the effort to change <3)

My unpopular opinion about this character: You Understand This but the idea that he's irredeemable/deserved to die is complete and utter bullshit. This post that you made perfectly describes my feelings on that!!

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: Firstly that he. Y'know. Didn't die. But I would have loved to see any of his interactions with Hoffman? Obviously they knew each other + I like to think they have since they were in academy together, so there's gotta be some sort of history there, y'know?? I feel like he definitely cared about Eric so I would've been very interested to see more regarding that relationship! + one more big one: I wish he knew/was at least made aware of the fact that Daniel was ALIVE and okay. It kills me thinking abt how this man died not knowing if his child made it out.

Adam:

How I feel about this character: I loooove him he deserved better. I relate pretty heavily to him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Hehe. Lawrence obviously!! Chainshipping is a HUGE comfort ship for me. BUT! Regarding the SAW polycule: Lawrence, Eric, William, Gibson, & Mallick!! + when concerning that alternative canon continuity we've been talking abt, Strahm. But only in that circumstance lol,,

My non-romantic OTP for this character: MANDY!!! In any AU where she's either not a disciple or abandoned her apprenticeship, I firmly believe that he and Amanda would be best friends. Mean gay/lesbian solidarity siblings who would fight tooth and nail for each other + who get each other on a level that not many others can. Pamela also!! Along w Mandy I like to think they talk about their experiences being trans a lot + just bitching w each other lol.

My unpopular opinion about this character: IDK how unpopular this actually is but I 100% believe that Adam would never become a disciple in any capacity, ESP not of his own accord. I genuinely think he'd rather die. That's just not something I can see him doing in any circumstance.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wish someone had gotten him out of the bathroom :( And in an AU where he lives I hope someone tells him what a bastard Zep was!! No one made that dude hold a gun to Diana's head and listen to her heartbeat what the FUCK was that!!

William:

How I feel about this character: He's such a sweetheart I love him,, <33

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Lawrence & Adam <3 in the polycule though this includes Eric & Mallick!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: He and Pamela obviously!! His sister is his best friend and they're there for each other 100%.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Much like Eric I don't think he deserved to die/that he's completely irredeemable... he fights so hard to save everyone and is utterly devastated when he can't. He's willing to hurt himself to save others (nearly dislocating his shoulders trying to keep both Addy and Allen, burning himself with the steam for Debbie, etc.) and it's like. John is always talking about how it can't be personal but it seems pretty fucking personal here!

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: The fact that nobody saw how hard he fought for his coworkers + the sacrifices he made for them upsets me to no end. That was intentional. John didn't want Tara + Brent (or Pamela for that matter!) to see him as human and that fucking bothers me!! So basically I just wish that they could've seen it via camera like literally almost every trap victim gets in some capacity!!

Mallick:

How I feel about this character: Yet another character I relate to wayyy too much <33 I love him...

All the people I ship romantically with this character: BRIT!!! + concerning the SAW polycule: Adam, Eric, William, & Lawrence!! (Art maybe too,,)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I like to think he and Laura would've gotten along actually? I feel like that would be a good, healthy friendship. And I do like the idea of he and Brit like this too!! Other than that maybe Mandy? I feel like they could relate to each other a little bit, help each other when they're feeling brainweird,, (Mallick n Mandy: havers of Symptoms Disorder <3)

My unpopular opinion about this character: Again I don't know if it's unpopular, persay, but uh. I don't think the Mallick we meet in V would willingly sit and listen to Bobby Dagen in 3D. He'd hate that dude. My take on it is that Brit didn't survive V (although I think read somewhere that the crew confirmed she survived?) and that's why he was there: because he'd lost the one true connection he'd made in god knows how long. That's rlly the only way I see him sitting thru Dagen's bullshit lmao.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wanted him to see Brit again,, and I just wanted to see him more in general tbh, esp because he makes a reappearance where so many prior Jigsaw survivors do not. I would've liked to see him interact with Simone given that they both lost a limb/nearly a limb (in Mallick's case). This is related to that, but I also wish the evidence of the 10 Pints trap wasn't just. A tiny scar? I HC that it took his whole hand, so.

Strahm:

How I feel about this character: Ohhh my beloved. Why didn't they give you a better narrative it would've been SO interesting. I love you though <3

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Honestly? Still super fond of Gibson/Strahm in a scenario where things are different,, I've written quite a bit abt them and kinda want to again but if I do it'll probably be. Not for a while + VASTLY different. but recent additions have been Hoffman (I used to. not understand Stroffman whatsoever. now I Get It) and Adam!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: PEREZ!!! I've always thought of them as best friends since I first saw IV, and I do think he genuinely cared about her - quite a lot, actually, esp given how devastated he was when she was injured. They hang out at each other's apartments all the time + get coffee regularly. I love them.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don't think he's a dumbass?? I don't know if that's unpopular. I think that he's IMPULSIVE and that it gets him into trouble, but Strahm has always struck me as incredibly intelligent + has a good moral compass for the most part?? I mean, he figured out there was a second apprentice (second as far as he knows, anyway) helping with traps just by examining Kerry's crime scene. I think he's VERY smart. He just acts quickly + sometimes that means there's not much planning for if things go south. (I DO agree that showing up to the packing plant w/out backup was dumb though,, doesn't mean he DESERVED the Water Cube but y'know)

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: It's not really mentioned if he does in canon, but I wish he'd been made aware of the fact that Perez was alive,, it bothers me that he might've died not knowing she was okay. The other thing is that I wish he'd survived V!!! I think it would've been WAY more narratively satisfying for him to kinda follow in Tapp's footsteps as a vigilante Jigsaw hunter. (That's why I love yr takes on him so much!!)

Rigg:

How I feel about this character: He has such a big heart. He cares so so much. I wish ppl talked about him more :(

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Gibson!!! And uhh Hoffman, but they're exes,, but! In a scenario I'm kind of going over in my head, maaaybe Adam... the basics though is that he searches the Nerve Gas House independently and somehow finds the Bathroom following II, and He is the one to rescue Adam. Very tentative abt that one though bc I'm still working it out lol. (Possibly Eric/Adam/Rigg???)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Eric!!! His best friend <3 I think he's also pretty close with Kerry, though I think he hangs out w her independent of Eric given,, the messy ex situation. I think he probably got along well with Fisk too!! OH and I think he and Sing would've been good friends as well. The chaos of a Rigg/Gibson/Sing friend trio...

My unpopular opinion about this character: Mmm I don't know that I have one? Other than maybe like. I understood why he went through the door. He knew Eric was on the other side; he just didn't know the circumstances or what would happen if he went through. All he knew was that he was that much closer to someone he's been trying to find/rescue for MONTHS + someone he cares for deeply. Of COURSE he went through. He breaks my heart ugh,,,

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wish he hadn't even been tested!!!! His one flaw was that he cared about ppl and somehow John saw that as something he needed to fix!!! Like yes I do agree that it was eating away at him and the obsession might've been unhealthy, but that's two of his closest friends dude!! I don't think he deserved to be tested for that. I don't. He just wanted to help ppl and keep them safe. I absolutely despise how Rigg was treated dkjflkdf!!!!

#saw #eric #adam #william #mallick #strahm #rigg #asks #long post #THANK U I loved getting 2 answer this!!!#+ if anyone else wants 2 send more for different SAW characters I'm still open to these!!#dude I have So Many Feelings abt rigg lately goddd #also I just realized tht this is all my f/os. rigg is a platonic one But Still!!!

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muwur · 4 years

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idk if this counts as an emergency or comfort request but ive been havin a REAL bad body image week nsnnnsnnnsnn could i maybe request headcanons for either oikawa or kuroo (u can pick if u wanna) with an s/o who is rlly self conscious about being chubby/has a really hard time with food and mayb feels like worthless because theyre not the ideal body type? idk sorry if thats dumb aaaah thank u sm if u choose to do this

self-love

♡ scenarios ♡ for oikawa and kuroo

❧ gn reader

✎ 3.7k words

a/n: hey hun, im sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough time lately. this kind of request actually rlly hits close to home, and if u ever need anything, ur mor than welcome to reach out to me :) i can also help look for resources for help, anything really. this goes for all y’all! i dont want none y’all to feel alone with anything ur going thru cuz we’re in this together! and no need to thank me, the pleasure is mine luv 🥰💕 nothing about this is dumb, ur feelings are valid. i hope this will bring you n many others some comfort. also,, FUCK BODY STANDARDS MAKIN US BELIEVE THERE’S AN IDEAL TYPE BC THERE IS NONE N Y’ALL R BEAUTIFUL N IF U DUN THINK SO I WILL COME OVER DER,,, ok im done 🥰🥰 (more notes at the bottom of this, i talk a lot n think its important, didnt wanna add it up here bc it was too long lolol) tw: mentions of bad body and implies disordered eating behaviors

oikawa

♡ Oikawa was pretty keen, so when he observed a gradual shift in your behavior, he definitely took notice

♡ One day when you showed up to lunchtime empty-handed and sat with your two friends, casually chatting, Oikawa and Iwaizumi gave you a questioning look

♡ “Where’s your lunch, y/n?” Oikawa asked

♡ “Oh, I, uh, ate it already, actually.”

♡ Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow and offered you some of his, but you declined, thanking him and stating you were already full

♡ Later that day in class, however, Oikawa couldn’t help but notice the absence of your boxed lunch container in your unzipped backpack

♡ The next day, you came empty-handed again, blaming it on your forgetfulness during your rush to get to school

♡ However, it became a normal occurrence over time, and while you seemed fine, uneasiness began to prick inside Oikawa’s stomach

♡ Those smiles you wore appeared fragile, and the laughter that rumbled from your throat felt restrained

♡ You seemed more tired and unfocused than usual

♡ Preoccupied, withdrawn, and distant

♡ He could sense something was bothering you, no matter how much you may (or may not) have tried to hide it

♡ On his way to school one morning, he made sure to stop by a convenience store to pick one of your favorite snacks, thinking it was a simple gesture to brighten up the somber aura he’s been detecting from you

♡ “I have a surprise for you, y/n~” Oikawa announced with excitement, rummaging through his bag to pull out the snack and show it to you. “Look, it’s your favorite!”

♡ You could only offer him an uneasy smile, “Oh, you shouldn’t have...” You really shouldn’t have...

♡ When he noticed the tension in your body and expression, a frown appeared on his lips

♡ “Y/n? Is something wrong?” He reached out to place a comforting hand on your shoulder but you swiftly flinched away

♡ ”I’m fine..!”

♡ Surprised at your sudden movement and outburst, you both felt a split second of apprehension crackle in the air before you started to gather your items in a rush

♡ Sighing, you repeated, “I’m fine.”

♡ He wasn’t sure whether you were speaking to him or yourself

♡ “Thanks for the snack, but I’ll pass. Have it for me. You need it more, anyways; you have volleyball practice. I’ll see you tomorrow, Oikawa,” you offered him a solemn smile and left before he could even reply

♡ Some time had passed before he could finally get you to open up to him

♡ And when you did, it crushed his heart to see how much your insecurities broke you

♡ It hurt to hear how low you thought about yourself; how you couldn’t see the beauty in your being; how you deemed food, your body, and yourself as your worst enemies

♡ Thus bringing you to the conclusion that maybe you’d be happy and like yourself if you could just give up that midday snack or your school lunch

♡ Even raincheck a cafe date you were supposed to have together

♡ Maybe also skip dinner, sometimes breakfast the next morning as well

♡ You could manage on just water

♡ Little sacrifices to shed some weight, feel better, and get closer to your ideal body goals

♡ You admitted, however, to questioning whether any of it was worth it

♡ The constant states of hunger, pain, and defeat you lived in

♡ Only to feel as though you were getting nowhere

♡ Oikawa was well aware of today’s beauty standards. I mean, he himself was often praised for his natural charm and beauty

♡ And you felt you could never reach that ideal

♡ “Oikawa, you’re too good for me.”

♡ His eyebrows knitted in concern as he lifted his right hand to caress your cheek softly. “And why do you say that?”

♡ Tears threatened to prick at your eyes. All you could was stare at the ground in silent shame

♡ When you still said nothing, he leaned in closer, his brown gaze softly pleading

♡ “Y/n, look at me.”

♡ When your eyes flickered up to meet his own, Oikawa asked, “You know I love you, right?”

♡ His question was met with a meek, “Yes.”

♡ From your clouded glaze, he could tell that you had a hard time believing in your own response

♡ “Do you know why?”

♡ But before you could respond, he was already answering his own question

♡ “Well...” he began, glancing up in thought and wearing a small smile

♡ “Something about you makes me want to be by your side. I love to see your smiles and hear your laughter, but I always want to be there to hold you when you’re crying and in pain.”

♡ “You’re supportive. You understand what I need, and I don’t always have to explain myself to you. You take your time with me and make me feel like I can be myself. Not many people have stuck around to actually get to know me. Because of that, you’ve never failed to make my day a little better with just your presence.”

♡ “You’re strong and caring. I can rely on you to have my back, and I hope I provide that same comfort to you as well.”

♡ “I love being able to lazy around with you or go on adventures and discover something new. It’s comfortable and exciting at the same time.”

♡ “Your hands feel like they were made to hold mine.”

♡ He reached down to squeeze your hand gently

♡ “Kissing you makes me forget about everything else on my mind. I can just live in the present with you.”

♡ He moved close and gave you a peck above your eyebrow

♡ “You make me want to work hard and be a better person. You help motivate me to try my best, and you never give up on me. Why would I ever give up on you?”

♡ “I learn something new with you everyday. Like right now, I realize that I’ve never met someone who could so easily make my heart race as they could make my heart break.”

♡ “When I look at you, all I can think about is how beautiful you are and how lucky I am to have you in my life as a partner and one of my best friends. Nobody else could fill the gaps within me the same way you do.”

♡ Leaning over to brush his lips against your forehead, he muttered, “I’m going to love every part of you, inside and out. You’re already my ideal. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I could go on about every detail on why I feel so strongly for you, but I’m here to show you everything there is to appreciate about yourself because you’re worth every ounce of care and effort. And if you can’t see it in yourself right now, I’ll love you more than enough for the both of us until you learn to love yourself. I’m here to help.”

♡ And after crying out your tears into his shoulder as he held you close and rubbed your back, you both went to his house to relax and have some dinner

♡ He was patient with you, taking into account how having a meal may have made you feel anxious

♡ It was something small and simple that you two agreed to prepare and share, after some tender coaxing from Oikawa

♡ He later made a list in his journal about tips to keep in mind:

♡ ‘Check up on y/n often to see how they’re feeling’

♡ ‘Encourage them to eat meals/snacks. Don’t be too pushy, but be patient. Try to have eat with them when you can!’

♡ ‘Remind them they don’t have to earn the right to eat, and that their body doesn’t define their worth‘

♡ ‘Look into some mindfulness techniques!’

♡ ‘Don’t overvalue physical appearance. Also focus on all the other redeeming qualities y/n has! But of course I’m always gonna tell them they look cutee--’

♡ True to his word, he remained understanding

♡ He’s there to listen to you, or to sit with you in comforting silence

♡ During lunch he would share his food with you, reassuring you that it wasn’t something you had to avoid

♡ Some days he succeeds in encouraging you to share a milk bun or your favorite snack with him

♡ And on days you really didn’t feel like it, he never forces anything onto you and instead made sure you at least hydrated

♡ Oikawa spends some time doing research and gathering tips on how to help you

♡ Always reminds you of your worth and how you bring out the best in him

♡ He’ll never hold it against you if you ever become hostile, irritated, or in denial. He knows you’re hurting and doesn’t take it personally

♡ Sends you cute memes with all those emoji hearts

♡ Also some food puns (Oikawa: “I’m soy into you. Please brie mine. We are mint to be. I ap-peach-iate you. You got a pizza my heart. Olive you--” ; You: *puts a hand over his mouth* ; Oikawa: 🥺 ; You: “...olive you, too”)

♡ Always ready to give up what he’s doing to make sure you’re okay

♡ Will stay up with you late at night to talk on the phone

♡ Reminds you you’re beautiful at least 8 times a day

♡ If y’all ever go shopping and you try things on in the fitting room,, Oikawa would be your #1 hype man

♡ One time you tried something on, and you were almost too ashamed to step out and show him

♡ But when you did, you were met with his surprise and excitement

♡ “dfghjklkuyfuh” was all you could process from his incoherent speech before he insisted on treating you by purchasing it for you (Oikawa: “Can you wear this for me, like, everyday?” ; You: *weird look* “Why are you like this??” you love it tho--)

♡ Gushes internally over how cute you are during your movie + cuddle sessions, mostly pays attention to you rather than the movie

♡ Mid-movie be like:

♡ Oikawa: “So, uh, what’s happening again?

♡ You: -.- “You might as well google the whole synopsis instead of watching it”

♡ Oikawa: “...it’s not my fault you’re distracting, babe”

♡ Always politely excuses himself from his fangirls to get to you. Also reassures you he much prefers to be with you than anyone else and that you’re the best catch ;)) (You: “Oikawa, no” ; Oikawa: “y/n, yes”)

♡ Suggested doing some meditation together once

♡ You listened to a recording and you sat side by side on a mat, but Oikawa thought the person’s voice sounded funny so he had a hard time focusing

♡ But it ended with y’all laughing and making jokes as he lay his lead on your lap and you played with his hair

♡ Y’all get better at it tho

♡ Cooking dates! To try to show you that food isn’t an enemy and can bring people together :)

♡ Puts music on so y’all can jam together (Oikawa: “Oh my gosh, y/n, this is my favorite song, you’re not even rEADY to see me perform-- ; You: “Oikawa, t-the food! It’s burning!!”)

♡ Cooking dates also show that you should never leave the stove unattended

♡ Every once in a while he suggests seeking professional help. He wishes he could take away your pain and help you all his own, but he knows this is more complicated and required outside help, too

♡ Has help resources READY

♡ As well as small snacks like granola bars for you if you ever feel faint

♡ He doesn’t hesitate to confront you when he feels it’s necessary and he’s worried about your habits

♡ He handles things well, though, and often convinces you to take care of yourself more, even though he’s there to look after you

♡ Has made it his mission to help you win against your battle with insecurities

♡ Overall, he’s very caring and empathetic, hoping one day you’ll see yourself the way he sees you 💖 : strong, amazing, breathtaking, & perfectly imperfect

kuroo

♡ Occasionally, you would think about the day you broke down in front of him

♡ Your body racked with repressed whimpers as you tried to wipe the tears from your eyes and describe the recent state of your mind through choked sobs

♡ Lately, your thoughts were being especially relentless in making you feel miserable

♡ Oftentimes you’d be able to shove the negative thoughts to the back of your mind and carry on your day as usual, expertly acting as though everything in your life was going smoothly

♡ However, you found yourself fighting a losing battle against your own conscious, heavily preoccupied with thoughts of your own worthlessness

♡ And so you tried to cope

♡ But you were painfully aware of everything you felt was wrong with you

♡ You felt uncomfortable in your skin

♡ Every time you passed by your own reflection, you couldn’t help but mentally recoil at the image looking back at you

♡ Your clothes didn’t fit right

♡ Even when you opted for baggy clothes, you felt like you were taking up all the space in them

♡ Maybe it was the weight gain. You could see and feel it in your face, your arms, your stomach, your legs... everywhere

♡ You just wanted to hide away your shame

♡ Perhaps it was the dessert you allowed yourself to eat the other day. Foolish of you to think then that you wouldn’t regret it as much as you did afterwards

♡ As a consequence of those foolish actions, you made mental notes about anything and everything you ate. What it was, how much of it you had, etc

♡ Trying to restrict so that maybe you would lose some weight and come to like how you look

♡ Your obsessive thoughts of food and weight overtook your mind like a dark cloud

♡ Your favorite foods, which before would never fail to brighten your mood, taunted you with shame and guilt

♡ Exercise? Sometimes it was an activity you genuinely enjoyed. Other times, a chore that made you feel shitty or numb and reinforced your unhealthy desire to lose

♡ And you sometimes found yourself crying over your last meal, one you know you didn’t need. One you didn’t deserve

♡ And each time you released the reins on your self-control, you felt pathetic going against the vow you made to yourself

♡ At this rate, you’d never be beautiful or be happy with yourself

-You’d remain unworthy, fat, disgusting--

-But before you could continue, your story was cut off by the impact of Kuroo’s embrace

-Your surprise silenced your sobs, and you could only stare wide-eyed at the space in front of you as you felt his arms squeeze tightly around your frame

-You both sat there for a few moments on your knees, with your back lightly leaning against a wall

- “I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing,” he begins softly. “Thank you for sharing with me. It must’ve taken a lot for you to do that.”

-He was right. It was your first time reaching out to another person about this. It was the last thing you thought you would’ve done today

- “I want to let you know that you shouldn’t be ashamed for feeling this way. Reaching out is important and brings you the help you need to get better. I know you might not want help right now or think that these thoughts and behaviors are a problem. However, telling me about all this shows that some part of you is recognizing there’s something wrong and you can’t always handle it on your own.”

-There were many reasons you kept this to yourself. You didn’t want to bother anyone else. Your problems seemed so trivial. You worried saying them aloud would confirm your beliefs. You were scared people would see you differently. You--

-The intrusive thoughts never failed to make you feel ashamed

-However, it was oddly comforting to release the pent up emotions. To know you didn’t have to bottle up this burden anymore, and that you weren’t alone

-You were about to murmur in response when,

- “Also, you’re an idiot, y/n.”

- “Wow, thanks, as if I don’t already think that about myself,” you bit back in response

-You were about to shove him away just when he released his grip around your body and placed his hands on your shoulders

-His eyes shone with determination and a faint, inviting smile spread on his lips

- “You are the one of the single most important things in my life. I just mean you’re an idiot in the sense that you’re overevaluating one aspect to define your whole self. You’ve forgotten about all your other redeeming qualities that contribute to who you are.”

♡ “Your size, weight, shape; none of that matters. What matters is your health and happiness. Neglecting yourself in order to reach an ‘ideal’ that you’ve concluded is the answer to your self-worth is only bringing you farther away from what you truly want.”

♡ “I don’t mean to downplay any of your emotions or how significant this is to you. Your first step was to put your trust into someone else about this. That’s done. Now, I’m here to help you undergo self-evaluation and serve as encouragement on your journey to self-love and acceptance.”

♡ “I also want to remind you progress is not linear. There will be times when things are harder, and that’s okay; it’s part of the process. If you’re open to getting better in the future, I’m sure as hell going to be there every step of the way.”

♡ And with a soft peck to the forehead and another hug, he nuzzled into your neck and muttered, “I love you. And I want you to love yourself. So, please, allow me to help you through this and I guarantee that by the end of it all, it’ll have been so worth it.”

♡ Unsure what to say, you gripped his jacket tighter, buried your head in his shoulder, and muttered, “Thank you.”

♡ While the negative feelings about yourself remained afterward, you were relieved that your boyfriend was supportive and calm

♡ He treated you the same as always, teasing you over dumb things while making you feel like you stood among the highest peaks on Earth

♡ The day after, he had shown up to your house, weary-eyed and carrying his backpack

♡ “Kuroo? Why are you here? Also, why do you look so tired??”

♡ He stepped into your house with a yawn. He stretched his arms, then reached for his bag and whipped out his laptop

♡ “I stayed up a bit last night to do some research, babe! I also learned a lot about nutrition and molecular gastronomy, so I could help you come up with a meal plan that you’re okay with!”

♡ You were touched he was educating himself on how to help you

♡ But you drew the line at the science jokes-- (Kuroo: “You know you love them.” ; You: “‘Na’ I don’t.” ; Kuroo: :ooo “Did you just-- Marry me.”) (Na = sodium lol)

♡ His nutritional research helped you to learn the contents of food beyond calories; mans explains the vitamins, nutrients, amino acids, etc in them that you need and their benefits

♡ “Trout, avocados, and almonds have vitamin E, which is good for your skin! Oh, and don’t get me started on bananas. Yes, they have carbs (which your body needs anyway as a source of energy!), but POTASSIUM?? Shit’s gonna regulate your fluid balance, maintain heart health, stimulate normal muscle function, AND help your brain to communicate with the rest of your body!”

♡ ALSO cooking dates; just as chaotic (“Aw mannn, the egg exploded all over the microwave!” dont ask y it was being microwaved)

♡ Over time, he’s taken mental notes about your thoughts, feelings, triggers, etc

♡ He’s quick to pick up on your mood and will always ask you how you’re doing

♡ Tries to do something special for you on days you’re especially not feeling well, like taking you on a spontaneous date! (You: “Do you know how to ice skate?” ; Kuroo: “Uhh,,, after today, I will hopefully”)

♡ But will also opt for staying in with you and cuddling when you don’t want to go out (Kuroo: “I heard this movie is soooo bad! ...wanna watch it?”)

♡ Invited you to the beach with his team during the first week of summer

♡ You were unsure about this, since that meant going out in public, potentially with minimal clothing

♡ You initially sat on a beach towel under an umbrella, wearing the security of a T-shirt. He’d been aware of how you felt ever since he asked you to come, so he would sit with you and link an arm around your shoulder

♡ “I’m lucky I get to spend this day with you,” he’d say. “You look gorgeous. You always do. Now, I wanna see you smile and have fun. Let’s go take a dip, yeah?” He offered his hand, which you shyly took, and pulled you up

♡ Then immediately picked you up and started running to the water to get you soaking wet, and you were forced to ditch the heavy, waterlogged shirt

♡ However, you silently thanked him for his sweet words, making you feel secure enough to just forget your worries and enjoy the warm sun and cool water

♡ He also tries his best to lessen your anxieties over food and often shares/eats meals with you

♡ Reminds you everyday how much you’re worth to him and that there’s nothing about you that needs to change

♡ This sweet, protective, n smart boi will treat you how you deserve. It’s a guarantee he’ll be there through thick and thin, and he’s excited for the day you realize you’re just as amazing as he knows you are 💕

a/n: oop this was rlly long lol mb, i just may or may not personally know a bit about this so i went oFF

also neded to some som silly n fluff bc we all need dat

also, these r like kinda hc’s ?? but also a deconstructed oneshot/scenario?? bc they provide some rly brief bg story? one from more of the character perspective while the other more on y/n before we get to the hc’s about how he treats y/n. how everyone struggles w body image is different n i wanted to portray a bit of what it felt like and how it could manifest in ppl’s behaviors/thoughts. however, this is not to say that everyone feels exactly like this. what i wrote only represents a fraction of it all.

by providing some sort of bg i hope im not making u feel like this isnt u or that u cant relate, pls lmk if i need to change anything to make it right for u <3 ok now im actually done sry long author’s note rfguhofe this is just rlly important to me y’all , stay safe n take care, much luv for u <3

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu reader insert #haikyuu x reader angst #oikawa x reader #kuroo x reader #oikawa tooru #kuroo tetsurou #haikyuu x reader fluff #tw

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riaflicke · 3 years

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The saying went something like, monsters are created not born. And that was exactly how Ria Flicke felt about the demon - or demons, plural, depending on the day - inside of her. It wasn’t always dark, but it was fed enough that it grew and grew until she didn’t know what it felt like to not have the darkness inside of her.

Some of the creation was self-inflicted. It wasn’t like she knew how to walk away from a bad situation or how to let the light win out, no, she let the darkness win and that was her own fault. Over the past few months of alone time and wrestling with questions and curiosities, she managed to figure out how and where the darkness was cultivated, fed and nurtured by the people that were meant to protect her.

AUGUST 17th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (14 years old)

Move in day for Faircrest Preparatory School. Day one of one million of learning to be a spy. Mariana thought that it would be a good idea for Leon to drive Ria to move in. After all, he worked at Faircrest, and she thought it’d be good for the younger Flicke to finally get to know her father.

Needless to say, it did not get off to a good start. Ria knew two things: her mother was cryptic about her father and the only way to get adults to pay attention to her was to be annoying. And she had lots of questions for Leon which meant she would be extra annoying.

“Don’t put your feet up there,” Leon turned over to his daughter, who had perched her feet on the all white car dash. “You’re going to get it dirty.” “What?” Ria didn’t dignify him with even a glance, she instead focused on picking a scab on her calf. “Maria-” “Ria.” “Maria,” Leon huffed, “Take your feet off the dash or we’re not leaving this driveway… What did you do to yourself anyway?” “Fell off my bike.” “Don’t you know how to ride a bike?” Picking at the scab until she got it to bleed again (because it definitely made her dad cringe), “Yes. I let go.” “Why?” “It made mom freak out.” She finally moved her feet from the dash, pleased with the furrowed brow her father now had. “And why in the world would you want to do that?” Leon asked in a deadpan tone, clearly frustrated with his daughter’s antics. “It proved mom cares. Somewhere. She got worried.”

The frustration on Leon’s face morphed into one of pride, but in the blink of an eye it was back to neutral. “You’re already thinking like a spy. What has your mother taught you so far?” “Nothing, I’ve known for all of like, three months.” “Alright. Well, we have about six hours ahead of us-” “Joy.” “Don’t interrupt me, Maria. I can’t have my daughter not knowing anything about spyhood. You’re already starting Faircrest at a disadvantage.”

That spoke to the competitive side of Ria and all, but she thought that this ride would be a way to get to know the man she’d wondered about for years. “You’re going to spend six hours talking to me about spy stuff and not like… anything about me?” “I didn’t say that. Anyways, I’ll see you all year on campus, we have plenty of time to get to know each other.” “Ooookay. Weird, but, fine, talk to me about your spy life or whatever…” Her voice trailed off into silence.

Leon glanced over at her, “What were you about to say?” Chewing on her bottom lip, Ria was silent for a little longer before speaking up. “I wanted to ask you a question.” “Fine, ask it then.” “Do you love me?” The words sounded sharp to hide the fear inside. “I don’t know.” Sitting up straighter, the blonde’s face dropped, “How do you not know? I’m your daughter.” “We just met.” “So?” “So, I need time to decide.” “Do you think you ever will?” “We’ll see.” And he wouldn’t. ‘I love you’ were three words he’d never say. “Fine… Tell me about this spy shit.” “Language.”

JUNE 8th, 2010, FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT (17 years old) Whether she wanted to listen to her father or not (spoiler: she didn’t!), Ria wanted to be top of her class. Success was something she could control. Success gave her purpose. Success made it all worth it. So as much as she hated Leon Calder with everything in her being, she kept note of all of his rules and the subsequent tests and trials in a tiny leather bound notebook. It was a pale pink, embossed with “Maria” on the cover - which she had since scratched up with pens and keys until it only read Ria.

With graduation on the corner - and a four year break from spyhood (her parents hated that one) on the horizon - she flicked through the pages, a walk down a very bumpy memory lane.

Rule 1: Control the conversation What’s it mean: - Have conviction in what you say - Stand by your words, even if they’re questionable - Don’t get stuck in webs of lies - Take pride in attention - good or bad - throws people off their game when you embrace an insult

Rule 2: Head not heart What’s it mean: - Don’t lead with emotions ever - Look at things logically bc that’s trustworthy, emotions are fickle - Tears are weakness - avoid at all costs!!!

8/30/10 - first week @ faircrest, dad got me a xanax prescription. told me it’s better to feel nothing than something. haven’t tried it yet 2/1/12 - (middle of soph. year.) - i think i’m addicted 4/29/14 - i’m graduating in 2 months. Idk how to feel bc i don’t think i’ve felt anything in four years. 8/2/14 - i don’t trust my own head

Rule 3: Don’t have a blindspot What’s it mean: - Falling in love means youre caught up in another person - Getting caught up in another person is a weak point - A lover will betray you or will be used against you - Lust =/= love, lust is ok.

11/1/13 - i don’t think ive cared about a single person ive slept with. like at all.

Rule 4: Know what you’re walking into What’s it mean: - Awareness is key - Evaluate every situation in full - ALWAYS keep your guard up or you’ll get backstabbed

12/21/10 - was @ home for christmas, dad snuck up behind me and threw a knife. i ducked in time. said i need to get better at awareness. Wtf.

After twenty or so blank pages, one page of the notebook had a few words written on it in all capitals. They were written more cleanly than the notes and scribbles of yesteryear, clearly written by an older Ria with stronger penmanship.

I THINK IM A MONSTER.

SEPTEMBER THROUGH NOVEMBER, 2020, ROSEVILLE, VA (24 years old)

The fires the year prior had been the first time that Ria remembered crying in over ten years. Something cracked inside of her as the buildings and all she’d used to ground herself started to fall and crackle apart. It was what pushed her to look inside of her. To know why she held so tightly onto the lessons and learnings from two people that couldn’t care less about her. It was what sent her to therapy.

There were no diagnoses to be found, apart from a self-inflicted dependence on unhealthy relationships and her vices. She lacked the remorse and violence to be a psychopath, and she didn’t have the swings of anger that hallmarked aggression disorders. What was there instead was a shell, a guard that presented itself as sociopathy - but she knew what she was doing, she had remorse, that was where the questions began. How could you display every trait in the book but be ‘normal’ inside?

The revelation of Blackthorne as a school for assassins had opened up even more of a can of worms, but she ignored it until the start of her third year, as she continued to try and understand what was going on inside of her head. Leon had gone to Blackthorne, yet the alumni didn’t seem to recognize his name. Something was up.

With the help of one of her Faircrest friends, Tobi, she was able to find more on her father. More on his employment records and his history. He’d begun going by his middle name after graduating Blackthorne, Leon Calder instead of Malcolm Calder. Hardly a criminal offense. He had a cross listing with the MI5 (expected, she knew her parents met in London) and a private agency ‘Atkinson Associates’. Further digging revealed it as a hitman agency, one that her father was still actively employed with.

Once she had that, and access to the files of the company, she went to dig on her own - not wanting to pull anyone else deeper into the mess. The employee roster and files were what she really wanted. Clicking on her father’s, she read through the notes, feeling a gross pit building in her stomach as she learned more. Kill count: 117. Use for: High profile, quickturn jobs. Works both individually and with partners.

Noting that the word partners was linked, Ria clicked on it, skimming quickly over unknown names until she settled on the name of a former partner. One she knew too well. Mariana Alice Flicke.

“No…. no no no…” But she couldn’t stop, she had to know more about her mother. Kill count: 2. Use for: Track erasure and evidence destruction.

She didn’t know if it made her feel better or worse that her mother was typically non-violent… Even if she condoned the violence. Blue eyes kept scanning the profile of her mom. Employment Terminated: September 30, 1995 Reason: Pregnancy.

“No wonder he hates me so fucking much.” She took Mariana out of the field, she took his partner away… But that wasn’t her fault! Hovering over the word pregnancy, Ria’s brow furrowed. Another link. There was no reason that needed to be linked. Everyone knew how pregnancy worked!

After a long stare off with the link, she finally clicked on it. The curiosity eating away at her. It pulled up what looked like an incomplete profile, one with nothing but the key statistics. And she didn’t even need to read them, they were ones she knew by heart. Name: Maria Grace Flicke Date of Birth: June 6, 1996 Start Date: To Be Determined.

She wanted to stop scrolling, but her hand kept moving, the answers were finally there. Whether she liked them or not.

Current Status:

Atkinson Associates Case study 001.: Nature versus Nurture

- Developing the mindset of an assassin from day one - Utilizing upbringing to control later characteristics, thought processes, and disposition

None of her mania was an accident. It was all part of a bigger plan that she never wanted to be a part of. Each demon was planted inside of her by the people that were supposed to love her most.

And the only way she could deal with this was to let out an ear-piercing wail.

#dev | ria #i'm sorry #drugs tw

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songsofacagedbird · 4 years

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Hello, I’m Katie, this is my sunshine daughter Balo, and you’re watching Disney Channel! Jokes aside though, I’m so excited to bring Balo back and while not much has changed (truly this is nothing more than a continuation where I only omit plots my partner doesn’t want to revive), have a new intro / bio anyway because... I felt like it ok. I’ll be good and not ramble too ungodly long though so without further ado - another one of my excessively long intro posts:

TWs: Child Abuse / Abuse, Alcoholism (not Balo’s, but her dad’s), Eating Disorders (anorexia nervosa)

Is that BALIAN “BALO” DRISKELL? Wow, they do look a lot like CANDICE SWANEPOEL. I hear SHE is/are a SEVENTEEN year old JUNIOR who originally attended LUXOR Academy. Word is they are a(n) REGULAR student. You should watch out because they can be NAIVE and SENSITIVE, but on the bright side they can also be OPTIMISTIC and BUBBLY. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself. [KATIE, 23, EST, SHE/HERS]

Last Edit: 8/26/2020

★ basics;

Full Name: Balian “Balo” Grace Driskell Age: 17 Birthday: February 7th, 2003 at 08:06 am Sexual Orientation: Balo really doesn’t label it (although I like to say bisexual, biromanitc to make my own life easier), she always just falls for who she falls for regardless of gender. If you ask her exactly, she’d probably say MOGAI though. Relationship Status: Kinda dating Caitriona but it’s unofficial Occupation: Student Nationality: American

★ classes;

Communications

French

Geometry

U.S. History

Fashion design

Visual Art

Pilates

★ extracurriculars;

Arts Club (Member)

Balo also used to be a Cheerleader (Flyer) and part of the Gymnastics team but due to her leaving / concerns about her health, she was required to step down, much to her devastation.

★ background;

Place of Birth: Rochester, New York Hometown: Saratoga Springs, New York Health Issues: Eating Disorder (Anexoria) Traumas: Abuse (Constant/Ongoing - from her father)

★ physical;

Faceclaim: Candice Swanepoel Eye Color: Blue Hair Color: Blonde Height: 5′11” -- not at fc height because I don’t wanna change her height with the new fc Weight: 120 lbs - give or take Tattoos, Birthmarks, Scars, etc: Nothing I find a need to link at the moment.

★ zodiac;

Tropical

Sun: Aquarius Moon: Aries Mercury: Capricorn Venus: Capricorn Mars: Sagittarius Jupiter: Leo Saturn: Gemini Uranus: Aquarius Neptune: Aquarius Pluto: Sagittarius Lilith: Aries N Node: Gemini

Placidus Orb

I ASC: Pisces II: Aries III: Taurus IV: Gemini V: Cancer VI: Leo VII: Virgo VIII: Libra IX: Scorpio X MC: Sagittarius XI: Capricorn XII: Aquarius

★ relatives;

Father’s Full Name: Lance Driskell Father’s Status: Alive Father’s Occupation: Restaurant Owner Mother’s Full Name: Cassandra “Cassidy” Driskell Mother’s Status: Alive Mother’s Occupation: Waitress at a local diner (not Lance’s place) Siblings: 1 older sister and 2 older brothers

Driskell Children Oldest to Youngest:

Ivan Marsden (22, attending school in England)

Grace Driskell (19, in California for school)

Zander Driskell (LINK TO HIS INTRO)

Balo Driskell

Here is a link to the Driskell family page if you’d like to know more about her family.

★ misc;

Hobbies and Talents: Balo’s a sketch artist and painter who tends to focus on realism, in particular realistic humans and animals. It’s her true passion and I have an inspo section for her sketchbook here! She’s also quite flexible and skilled at gymnastics, part of why it’s bothering her she can’t participate currently because she loves it and she’s good at it - making her removal from the team eat at her even more.

Pinterest Section // Musings Tag // Playlist

- Balo’s kind of a literal ray of sunshine who believes (almost) everyone is truly good at heart. While she tries to see the best in everyone, no matter what, she truly can’t see it in her father, a fact she feels extremely guilty over it. - She loves art, sketching and painting especially, and she always dreamed of being some sort of artist. While her mother encouraged it every chance she got, her father is truly a different story. - Balo is very easy to manipulate and I encourage it constantly. - She truly just wants to love and befriend everyone, while it’s not really too hard to make her cry, usually you’ll see Balo running around with a smile trying to brighten everyone’s day. This is an issue because she’ll put everyone around her before herself every time, your happiness is a priority before hers. Again, making her easy to manipulate. (So I welcome manipulating Balo and love it when it occurs, please feel free to do so at any point) - Her best friend / favorite person in the entire world at this point is Logan Keller, mention him only if you really wanna see this girl light up like a 4th of July fireworks show. (They’re still in touch, for those of you who remember him from when Jia was playing him here!) - Balo recently got out of extensive inpatient for her eating disorder so while she’s doing a lot better, she’s really doesn’t want it to be the main topic of conversation either. She's okay and back at Luxor and she feels that’s the most important thing at the end of the day.

★ bio; TWs: Child Abuse / Abuse, Alcoholism, Eating Disorders (anoxeria, weight loss, and complications from both)

“'Cause I know that nothing good comes easy, if it did, I wouldn't be me.”

If there was one quote that fit Balo Driskell’s life to a t, that would be it. Nothing was truly easy in the Driskell’s home, she was the youngest of three children - an amount that her mother never wanted to have, and would do whatever it took to stay at after this point. Anytime her father walked in after work, the stench of alcohol clung to. She could smell it on her breath every time he yelled, each time he threw things, anytime he hit her. One could have easily convinced the young girl that all families were like this, that everyone covered up bruises and pretended they were much happier than they actually were if it wasn’t for her mother.

Perhaps Casandra Driskell never wanted her children, but she loved them with her entire heart. She’d sneak her children money, things they weren’t allowed to have - guitars, paints, canvases, sheet-music, legos, and whatever else her father deemed banning fit at a moment's notice. She wasn’t always around, working a job at the local diner, but when she was she did everything in her power to protect her children. It was never enough, though.

Lance Driskell still hurt his children close to daily, whether it was smashing Grace’s guitar over her head the moment he found it, pulling Balo down the stairs by her hair, or lashing Zander with his belt - there were quite a few times where a Driskell had to go the hospital and the family had to lie through their teeth to keep people from looking too closely at them at their mother’s urging. If it was investigated the three children would be separated, they would lose their mother, or at least that’s what they were told - and none of them wanted that. It became common for one child to intervene for another if they could, Zander especially taking the brunt of the punishments for his sisters.

It was part of loving someone in the Driskell home, trying to keep everyone else safe no matter the cost it had on you.

Her childhood wasn’t all bad, however, there were quite a few silver-linings in the dark cloud called the Driskell home. She had a close friendship with her siblings and her mother, and she has plenty of fond memories with them. Christmas was always peaceful, as her father always took that shift at his restaurant and refused to celebrate the holiday with them - a time where he couldn’t taint the joy inside of the Driskell home. She could paint when her father wouldn’t catch her in the act, something she loved doing (and she still does every chance she gets), and she had Logan. Logan Keller was her next-door neighbor and her best friend. If you saw one of them, the other probably wasn’t too far behind. In many ways, he was her person - someone she felt like she could go to with nearly anything (she could never discuss home with him at this point, of course, but everything else she could and she did).

And then the Driskells moved away and it was like the world was ripped out from under her feet - leaving her spiraling and looking for some sort of control. Her new friend didn’t help matters much either, constantly encouraging her to “shed the weight” they swore she gained. She soon found this sense of “control” in the form of her eating disorder, careful attempts to keep herself as thin as she could, of restricting her food every chance she could. It wasn’t healthy, far from it, but it fulfilled the desire to have some semblance of control over her life.

Sending the children to Luxor had been an easy decision for Cassandra the second the children were able to attend, a way to ship them off to safety while not being too far away from home. While it pained her a first to be away from her mother, eventually she began to understand. She was safe while at school, and at the end of the day, that was what mattered the most to her mother, right? It wasn’t hard to get into the flow of life at the school, staying at school and only coming home for the breaks that the school refused to keep students during. It broke her heart when Lance shipped Ivan to England and told him not to come home (a thought that still pains her to this day), after the boy served his use, and it only grew harder when Grace graduated and moved to California. But she was happy at Luxor, in spite of everything.

And in a way, her love for the school only grew after the merge. Now there were twice as many people to befriend and support, and in the process, she realized something she had been missing had been under her nose for a while. Logan was attending school at Luxor too, and all of a sudden, she had her person in her life again. At the time she felt on top of the world, regardless of the circle beginning to stir up issues.

And then, suddenly, she was knocked right back down to the ground.

First Logan was kidnapped and forced to deliver the message, and then he was forced to go home for personal reasons. The support she had so quickly grown used to having was seemingly being ripped out from her yet again. While he was still in touch, continuing to be her rock, her eating disorder only continued to spiral out of control. And no matter how much she tried to pretend she was fine, it was getting to the point there was no way to really do so. Balo was sick, and now everyone could tell. It was concern from her teachers that helped fuel the chain of events that resulted in getting her help, no matter how much she tried to assure everyone she didn’t need inpatient therapy and that doing outpatient would be fine. After several months of inpatient followed by a bout of “readjustment to the real world” time at home, she’s back at Luxor and as sunshine-y as ever.

TLDR / quick important notes bio recap for rereads: - Balo’s home life is far from perfect. Her father, Lance - is an abusive alcoholic, and while her mother tried her best to protect her children - she also covered things up without hesitation. It wasn’t uncommon to see a Driskell in the ER with a lie and people willing to back up the story. - The lack of control in her life is what led to her eating disorder, in hopes of regaining a (false) sense of control. - She’s been attending Luxor since freshman year, although she recently had to leave for a few months to attend extensive inpatient treatment. And now she’s back to her normal sunshine-esc antics, trying to love everyone, feeding all the strays at Luxor, and trying to spread smiles everywhere she goes.

★ wanted connections;

Friendships

Someone to manipulate her, please I beg you

Um, pretty much anything? She likes everyone cause if you do something to hurt her she does mental gymnastics to come to the conclusion you are a good person and it was an unintended side effect so...yeah. Doesn’t mean your muses have to like her though (I have a lot of fun when they don’t actually, so… don’t worry about hurting the sunshine daughter. Okay?)

Anyone who knows her from the gymnastics and/or cheer teams, as she was on the teams through Freshmen & Sophomore years, and until October of her junior year.

#luxorintro #child abuse tw #abuse tw #physical abuse tw #alcoholism tw #alcohol tw #eating disorder tw

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pettishrew · 4 years

Photo

MIND MY WICKED WORDS AND TIPSY TOPSY SLURS; I CAN’T TAKE THIS PLACE, NO, I CAN’T TAKE THIS PLACE.

𝖖 𝖚 𝖔 𝖙 𝖊 𝖘

i don’t feel very human anymore. —7:59 pm 4/28/15; l.m.

Where did you get those big eyes? My mother. And where did you get those lips? My mother. And the loneliness? My mother. And that broken heart? My mother. And the absence, where did you get that? My father. —Inheritance, Warsan Shire

“And I’m a master of speaking silently—all my life I’ve spoken silently and I’ve lived through entire tragedies in silence.”— The Meek One, Fyodor Dostoevsky

How do you move on? You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back. —J.R.R. Tolkien

“There are no permanent friends, only permanent interests”

UNTIL LIONS HAVE THEIR OWN HISTORIANS, THE STORY OF THE HUNT WILL ALWAYS GLORIFY THE HUNTER.— Chinua Achebe

“Self-hatred is only ever a seed planted from outside in. But when you do that to a child, it becomes a weed so thick, and it grows so fast, the child doesn’t know any different. It becomes as natural as gravity.”— Hannah Gadsby, Nanette

You got to take a deep breath and give up. The system is rigged against you. Bo Burnham

𝖇 𝖆 𝖘 𝖎 𝖈

NAME: Peter Thomas Pettigrew NICKNAMES: Pete, Wormtail, or Wormy AGE: Twenty BIRTHDAY: August 22nd GENDER: Male PRONOUNS: He / Him

𝖋 𝖆 𝖒 𝖎 𝖑 𝖞

MOTHER: Enid Pettigrew. 47. Alive. FATHER: Sean Morivan. 52. Status Unknown. SIBLINGS: None

𝖕 𝖍 𝖞 𝖘 𝖎 𝖈 𝖆 𝖑 𝖆𝖙𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖇𝖚𝖙𝖊𝖘

FACE CLAIM: Alex Wolff BUILD: Moderately Overweight HAIR: In need of a haircut. Curly and unkempt. HAIR COLOR: Brunette. In the summertime, it gets a golden, almost colorless hue. EYE COLOR: Brown SKIN COLOR: Light with olive undertones DOMINANT HAND: Right ANOMALIES: He has a birthmark on his left shoulder. His skin freckles in the summer. He also has faint scars on the inside of both of his forearms. He also has a small tattoo on the outside of his right thigh. Peter got it on a dare and it looks like ( x ) SCENT: He often smells like chocolate or peppermint. Mostly because those are the last things they would have eaten. ACCENT: British. More of the cockney nature than anything else. ALLERGIES: He is moderately allergic to dairy. Not enough to stop him of course, but enough to make him uncomfortable if he eats too much of it. DISORDERS: N / A FASHION: Peter wears whatever is comfortable and fits for the most part. He does tend to stick to neutral colors, like black, grey, and beige. He doesn’t like to draw attention to himself. NERVOUS TICS: He stutters when he’s nervous. He also rubs the back of his neck when he’s uncomfortable. QUIRKS: His quirks are identical to his nervous tics. One doesn’t often happen without the other.

𝖑 𝖎 𝖋 𝖊 𝖘 𝖙 𝖞 𝖑 𝖊

RESIDES: Plainview Point Apartments BORN: St. Mungo’s RAISED: A little outside of London PETS: A Tawny Owl named Eros

CAREER: Obliviator EXPERIENCE: 2+ years in the position EMPLOYER: The Ministry of Magic

POLITICAL AFFILIATION: The Order BELIEFS: Peter doesn’t believe strictly in anything. MISDEMEANORS: None FELONIES: None DRUGS: None SMOKES: Tobacco, and occasionally Marijuana ALCOHOL: Infrequently DIET: Poor

LANGUAGES: English, Welsh, and some Italian

PHOBIAS: Death or Serious Injury. HOBBIES: Reading and Baking. TRAITS: { + }: forgiving, analytical, easy-going, optimistic { - }: fearful, cunning, indecisive, meek

𝖋 𝖆 𝖛 𝖔 𝖗 𝖎 𝖙 𝖊 𝖘

LOCATION: Anywhere that is small, where Peter feels like no one can get to him. SPORTS TEAM: Ireland GAME: Wizard’s Chess. MUSIC: He doesn’t care much for music. If he does listen to it it’s softer sounding music, that’s almost wistful. MOVIES: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope 1980. Alien is a close second. FOOD: Anything sweet. Peter’s sweet tooth is insatiable. BEVERAGE: Pumpkin Juice or soda. COLOR: Pale Yellow

𝖒 𝖆 𝖌 𝖎 𝖈

ALUMNI HOUSE: Gryffindor WAND: UNICORN: Unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic, and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, irrespective of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard. Minor disadvantages of unicorn hair are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may ‘die’ and need replacing. FIR: My august grandfather, Gerbold Octavius Ollivander, always called wands of this wood ‘the survivor’s wand,’ because he had sold it to three wizards who subsequently passed through mortal peril unscathed. There is no doubt that this wood, coming as it does from the most resilient of trees, produces wands that demand staying power and strength of purpose in their true owners, and that they are poor tools in the hands of the changeable and indecisive. Fir wands are particularly suited to Transfiguration, and favor owners of focused, strong-minded and, occasionally, intimidating demeanor. 9 1/2 Inches and unyielding. AMORTENTIA: Chocolate, Peppermint, Garlic, and Old Books. PATRONUS: He cannot produce one. BOGGART: Prior to the war it had been his mother dying. He truly doesn’t know what he would do without her. However, since the war has begun his Boggart is Lord Voldemort.

𝖈 𝖍 𝖆 𝖗 𝖆 𝖈 𝖙 𝖊 𝖗

MORAL ALIGNMENT: True Neutral MBTI: INTP

INTPs are often thoroughly engaged in their own thoughts, and usually, appear to others to be offbeat and unconventional. The INTP’s mind is the most active place, and their inward orientation can mean that they neglect superficial things like home décor or appropriate clothing. They don’t tend to bother with small talk but can become downright passionate when talking about science, mathematics, computers, or the larger theoretical problems of the universe. Reality is often of only passing interest to the Architect, as they are more interested in the theory behind it all.INTPs are typically precise in their speech and communicate complex ideas with carefully chosen words. They insist on intellectual rigor in even the most casual of conversations, and will readily point out inconsistencies of thought or reasoning. Social niceties may fall by the wayside for an INTP who is more interested in analyzing logic, and they may offend others by smallmitting their dearly held values and beliefs to logical scrutiny. Trivia: - more likely than other types to study a foreign language - most frequent type among college students committing alcohol and drug policy violations - have the lowest level of coping resources of all the types - one of the types least likely to believe in a spiritual power - highest of all types in career dissatisfaction in school have lower grades than would be -- predicted by aptitude scores - more likely than average to complete engineering programs - personal values include autonomy, freedom, and independence - Overrepresented among working MBA students - Commonly found in science and technical occupations - famous intps: albert einstein, abraham lincoln, marie curie, and charles darwin

MBTI ROLE: The Architect or the Logician ENNEAGRAM: Type Five ENNEAGRAM ROLE:

The Observer: Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

TEMPERAMENT:

Melancholic. The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. Often they are perfectionists. They are self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others.

WESTERN ZODIAC:

Leo With the Sun approaching the end of Leo, August 22nd has its peak in creativity and our childish need to present our inner being and express ourselves. This is an emotional date when passions need to be calmed in order for us to swim out of them with a clear mind and a plan we can hold on to, so our dreams can be reached. Those born at this time are connected to others on a different level than the rest of Leo representatives and feel a constant need to set free from ego battles and follow their hearts.

CHINESE ZODIAC:

Year of the Rat The Metal Rat are honest, frank, and optimistic, and will not get depressed no matter how terrible the situation is. They have a quick respond and strong environmental adaptability. They treat people kindly. But most of the people born in 1960 year of the Rat are self-centered. They always think of themselves first. They are impatient, suspicious and kind of vain.

PRIMAL SIGN:

Otter: Social, funny, and outgoing, those born under the sign of the Otter use their warmth and charm as their primary tool in navigating life. Like their animal namesake, members of this sign are clever, feisty, and gregarious. They usually spend a lot of time grooming themselves for their looks are of great importance to them. They are not terribly territorial either, preferring to sleep where their adventure takes them for the night. A nice home will eventually be required, but a young Otter can travel the world for years without getting too homesick. Otters like to be in charge. This way they can not only get what they want, but receive attention and respect while doing so. They can occasionally behave somewhat self-centered and egotistical, but are usually smart enough not to push their self-proclaimed authority too far. Otters want to be the best, and they understand that being the best takes work. As long as they get to do thing their own way, there is little they won’t undertake.Members of this sign have a sense of pride that only a few other signs can top. They absolutely hate looking unintentionally foolish (though they will act the part of the fool if it gets them a good laugh) and have little tolerance for those who don’t respect this important (if unspoken) rule. They like to be seen as evolved, wise, and powerful, which they often are, but this can sometimes cause them to hesitate trying new things. Above all things, Otters don’t like to live by other people’s rules. As long as they keep life in perspective this shouldn’t be a big problem, but out of perspective Otters risk becoming greedy and narrow-minded and there is always a chance that they will take what they want if nobody is willing to offer it up to them. Members of this sign can also be a bit judgmental of others, particularly those who are less successful than they are at that point in their lives. As they mature they tend to realize that everyone operates differently, and will slowly come to accept this, especially if they have a hard road to reaching their goals.

TAROT CARD:

The Fool: The Fool, at its core, represents the unfettered soul. Free of experience and prejudice, they are also free of fear, and therefore come into new events without the trepidation often experienced by those that know what they might expect. This is both a benefit and a detriment to the Fool, their eyes are on the path ahead, or on the sky, but not at what is right in front of them. This can make the Fool easy to trick, to persuade, or to side-line. But they also do not know what others believe is ‘NOT’ possible, and this makes them capable of greatness, new ideas, and innovation. They do not know a thing cannot be done, so they merrily set about to do it anyway. Sometimes they succeed.

TV TROPES:

All the Other Reindeer, The Chessmaster, Cornered Rattlesnake, Dirty Coward, Fair Weather Friend, and Opportunistic Bastard

SONGS:

- Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons - If It Kills Me by Jason Mraz - Sinner Man by Idris Elba - Creep by Radiohead - The Devil You Know by X Ambassadors

IDEOLOGIES:

- Beer is the scum of all the alcoholic beverages. He think it tastes akin to piss and doesn’t understand why anyone would opt to drink it willingly. - Peter has never had a pet aside from the owl. And doesn’t understand the want to keep things in captivity for your own benefit. This principle extends to muggle zoos as well. - Chocolate frogs are the best candy that Honeydukes sells, this is not a matter of discussion that he is willing to hear. - Peter believes that if something is easier done through violence than diplomacy that in those instances the people should be empowered to pursue violence without diplomacy first. - Wool is a terrible fabric and he won’t wear it. It’s itchy.

#dulcetask #TASK: 001 #▲ ĸιlled мy old ѕelғ вυт тнe new мe ιѕn'т мυcн вeттer ( peter hc )#tw eye gore #// kind of #// it's a black eye

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exjunkiebaby · 5 years

Text

I got kicked out of rehab

I got discharged today because the counselors found out I've been using a cell phone. The phone has never been in the facility - I hid it at the train station and used it once or twice a week during appointment times. I thought nothing of it. I don't feel guilty, I don't feel ashamed. It was easy to carry on this lie - I don't respect most of the counselors nor do I trust most of the residents. They told us the women I lived with were my "sisters" and I can't help but snicker. Would my sister snitch on me to the cops? Fuck no (I see the counselors as cops).

So fucking Monique*, a counselor with only one mesely year of sobriety, tells me to pack my bags and leave. She says this with a smile on her face. She says this right in front of my sponsor. I tell her that my family is in San Diego and might not be able to come for me, and she says, "I don't care. You're leaving."

Last week they kicked out a woman who was homeless. She told them she had nowhere to go except for the streets. Did the counselors care? Nope. They sent her to the streets, and today she is struggling to stay clean because she bounces from couch to couch. At my last rehab they promised us they would never leave us without a place to go to. I felt like the Camp actually fucking cared. The Camp in Scott's Valley treated me well - they really took care of the residents.

You know what? I'm not going to keep the name of this rehab a secret. I'm no longer a resident so I have every right to review the facility and I have every right to be honest. There are residents who have relapsed MULTIPLE times and are STILL there. There are residents who have used AND had a cell phone and are still there. But because I used my friend's phone and had my own phone - I'm kicked out. I'm kicked out 6 fucking days before my graduation date.

The name of the place is Gateway. They take your food stamps. Most of their food is expired. I can't count the number of maggots and bugs ive seen crawling in my fucking food. There is no consistency, there is no structure. They don't drug test you from the gate. I was FINALLY tested 40 days in. And this is why people relapse: because it's easy. And this why people bring in phones: because it's easy. Gateway promised me they would help me with my mental health and not ONCE did I meet with a qualified professional. Not once was my eating disorder and self-harm addressed. I BARELY dealt with my PTSD. I feel like I've barely progressed and I feel even more fucking hopeless when it comes to my several mental disorders.

It's really a shame that this place failed me. It's a shame that a lot of the staff don't care about the residents. To me, the staff can BARELY handle their own addictions. Seriously, who the fuck would hire a woman with one year of sobriety to counsel women with grave mental illnesses???

I guess I'm frustrated and upset that of all people, I'm the one who gets kicked out. And before I got kicked out, this is what a counselor said about me: "Katia has not made any progress. She is a liar and she will drag you into trouble. She is not serious about her recovery and is not a real friend."

Yup, the fucking counselor who kicked me out didn't like me. She thought ill of me and smiled as she announced my fate. Smiled as her double chin bounced. Smiled as she walked away in her hideous dress. Smiled as I erupted into tears. I knew that she got pleasure out of crushing me.

So I'm on my way to the Bay Area. I'm upset but I'm also happy. I'm fucking scared of relapse. I'm a little confident. I want to go to a meeting tonight. I'm afraid I'll text my plug. I really want my 60 day chip and my 90 day chip. I don't know what to do.

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squirrelly831 · 4 years

Text

Fainting [Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook]

Under keep reading due to Jimin’s reaction. His contains self-loathing and eating disorder mentioned. Please read at your own risk. Part one will be linked at the bottom

Enjoy~

Jimin

Isabella knew dating a celebrity would be hard. It would be especially hard since her boyfriend was Jimin from BTS. She knew she was just asking for hate when it happened. For one, she was a foreigner who could only speak Korean, but not an actual Korean which set some off. Another thing was her looks, the amount of hate the poured out was mainly targeted towards her looks. She was flat chested and many poked fun at her non-feminine appearance. Though, she told Jimin the backlash didn’t hurt her, she suffered. She didn’t want to break up with Jimin, but at the same time the amount of hate she received was unbearable. It was so bad, she began to believe it.

Isabella began to shut down. She privatized all her social media accounts though the hate continued from those who already followed her. She couldn’t look in the mirror without hearing the words she had spent hours reading on her comments. It got to the point she didn’t want to even look at her reflection. She began cutting out food to lose weight and she worked out more and more.

Jimin noticed something was wrong, but he was so busy with promotions he didn’t have time to stop by and check on his girlfriend. However, he talked to Yoongi and Namjoon about it and they also began to suspect that Isabella was more affected by the fans than she let on. Namjoon insisted that Jimin went to check on her. It was easier to lie on the phone and through text than it was in person.

He didn’t need to be told twice as he bolted to her apartment. He ran her doorbell repeatedly insistent to get her to answer the door. He heard the deadlock unlock and the door opened at a snail’s pace. Isabella looked terrible. She was wrapped in a blanket, eyes dark and almost lifeless, and her cheeks were stained with tears. “Bella… What did you do?” Were the only words that seemed to run through Jimin’s head as he looked at her. She looked up at him before her eyes rolled back and she toppled over. Jimin caught her out of an internal instinct and picked her up. He took her to bed then called Namjoon in tears.

Namjoon told him that he would talk to their managers to give Jimin time off and told Jimin to stay with Isabella. Once off the phone, he left the house with her keys to get her some groceries. As he was out, he tried to calm himself. He was filled with different emotions at once. He was pissed at Isabella for hurting herself like she did and he was mad that he didn’t see it. He was also upset that his fans could be so hurtful.

He returned to her apartment and made her a quick meal and waited for her to wake up. When she did wake, he wouldn’t say anything as he placed the food in front of her and watched Isabella scarf it down like a starved dog. It wasn’t until after she ate that he finally speak. His anger resonated in his voice, “What the hell were you thinking not eating like that? You know you could have been seriously hurt if you fell when I wasn’t here! Why would you be so irresponsible?” He growled. She broke into tears before she explained everything. Afterwards, Jimin would not leave her side and he went through the company to release an official statement that they would press charges if the harassment continued.

Taehyung

Amberlea was invited as her best friend, Taehyung’s, plus one to a company party. At first, she had declined as she was not a party person. She didn’t like them. The loud music and crowds of people always left her anxious. However, with Taehyung’s puppy dog eyes pleading with her, it was hard for her to stand her ground against him and like she often did, she caved in and agreed.

It was the Saturday of the party and much to Amberlea’s frustration, she was called into work. She had planned to spend the day at home preparing herself for the party, but instead she was at working fixing up her coworker’s mistakes. What was worse is that being a diabetic, she needed to snack and eat through the day so her blood glucose level wasn’t low, but due to the time crunch she took the risk and decided to wait for the party to grab a bite to eat.

She got out of work an hour before the party and she rushed home to get ready before Taehyung swung by to pick her up. At the party, just as she predicted, she froze. The environment was loud and crazy it made her heart skip beats. Taehyung left her side to go greet a friend when her low blood pressure caught up with her. It had only been minutes after she entered the party when she felt flush, objects and people began to blur, and a sharp headache were her signs that her levels were excessively low. She sought out the food table to find something to ease the dizziness, but after a few steps she fell to the ground not hearing Tae shouting her name.

He rushed to her side and shuffled through her purse to find her blood glucose meter. Jimin rushed over with Seokjin, “Call for an ambulance!” Taehyung barked as he pricked her finger with her meter. When he so a 65 flash on the meter, he was beyond panicked. “Tell them there’s a diabetic with a reading of 65!” He rushed out.

When the ambulance arrived, Taehyung refused to leave Amberlea’s side and he was allowed inside. He relayed her medical background to the EMT as they started her on an IV. He didn’t take his eyes off his best friend as he silently prayed for her to be okay.

Amberlea woke up to find herself in a hospital bed. Her headaches were gone and she didn’t feel the pain. “You awake?” Taehyung mumbled. She looked over at him and he looked back with a serious expression. “You could have been in serious danger. You’re a diabetic for crying out loud! You need to take extra care of yourself!” He was angry because of her carelessness and this experience would be a constant reminder of his fear. He knew it was a one time thing, but whenever she overworked, he would worry about her and would call or text to check on her.

Jungkook

Naomi was set on trying to get Jungkook to look at her as a woman he could see himself date instead of some little sister he felt he had to protect. She had been friends with Jungkook for about a year and a half and as much as she tried against it, she found herself falling for him. She was already at a disadvantage as she figured his ideal type were older women and she was two years younger and a mere 5′1″.

She knew Jungkook loved to work out and he had asked her on several occasions to join which she typically declined. However, if it was a chance to get her body in shape and make her more attractive for Jungkook to look at her as a woman then she’d take one for the team.

Naomi didn’t realize how much she would come to regret that decision. It was fulfilling, yes, she never felt so relieved before when she first worked out. It was like a weight lifted from her shoulders, but it was also painful to her body by the next day. She started out working out three days a week with Jungkook. They were able to have something else that they both had in common which was nice to Naomi. When winter break at her university hit, she hit the gym more and more even without Jungkook with her. It was just overwhelmingly relaxing.

Though, still a newbie to workout routines, she ignored Jungkook’s warnings of going to the gym so often in the week as she started out, but soon realized just why he warned her.

Jungkook was bench pressing as he watched Naomi run on the inside track when it happened. She was about to make curve, but her body didn’t turn. She tried to stop herself, she skidded on the track and her body rolled before she stopped. “Naomi!” He put the bar up and took off to the track where he realized Naomi had lost consciousness.

When Naomi woke up, Jungkook was staring at her intensely. “This is why I told you not to push yourself when you work out. You overdid it.”

Naomi looked away. She felt like she was being chided like a child. “I’m sorry. I just did it to get in shape.”

“You’re in shape. I don’t get why you think you’re not. Are you trying to get someone’s attention?” Naomi fell silent and Jungkook figured he hit the nail with his question. “Look, if he doesn’t see how perfect you are already then he’s not worth it. He’s stupid. You deserve better.”

Naomi met his eyes as her lips curved into a smile, “You just called yourself stupid.” She giggled as she buried her head in her hands.

It took Jungkook a moment to understand what she meant before he shrank back in embarrassment. “I’m not stupid… You should have just told me you liked me… idiot.” Naomi began to counter him, but Jungkook leaned down and kissed her to shut her up. Not like Naomi was going to complain about that.

Part I

Credit to gif owners

Written & revamped by Squirrelly831

♕ REQUEST

☮ BTS MASTERLIST

∞ ULTIMATE MASTERLIST

#bts #bts reactions #bts scenarios #jimin scenario #kpop reactions #kpop #kpop scenarios #taehyung scenarios #jungkook scenarios

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evawelsh · 4 years

Conversation

a story about toxicity by liberty welsh

There was this guy his name was bear, bear saw eva was sad, and depressed. Bear decided to text Eva and see what was up. “Hey I know you're going through a rough time and I know it's hard, but it gets better. I've been through something similar. Eva doesn't trust anybody anymore, she's been broken so many times and doesn't know how to be fixed, but she took a risk and texted him back. “Hey…, thank you but i don't think you would understand, but thanks for checking up.”

“hey , you can tell me if u want i probably get more than u think.”

For some reason Eva had a sense of trust, a sense of understanding of this guy so she told him most of it. “Ive had 18 surgeries, ive bein raped, i get nightmares constantly every night,ive tried to kill myself 3 difrent time, ive been hurt, im broken, i have a eating disorder, im so broken and so scared nobody can put me back together.”

“ you have no clue how much i relate to all of that, every single one of things i get maybe even worse.”

“You've been raped before…? And youve tried to kill yourself?

“ Yeah i have, and yeah 30+ times i've tried and haven't succeeded.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, just know it'll get better, I promise.”

“Thank you.”

At that moment Eva trusted him more then anyone else, more then she has in a long time.

Over a couple of weeks Eva and Bear got closer, they'd talk almost every day constantly, Eva grew closer to Bear, she liked him a lot.

One day at school while sitting with friends she was texting him and decided to text him and say that she really likes him.

“Yeah i get that a lot” was his response

Liberty almost started crying, for some reason it hurt, more than anything in awhile, she really cared about him, but because she cared about him so much she decided to stay and not stop talking to him, later that night she decided to try again and told him how much she really cared about him. He said he did but doesn't do long distance relationship scenes. He lived in Virginia and she lived in idaho. She said please i can make u so happy, he said okay i'll take the chance. That night they both fell even harder for each other.

The third of dating he said i love you; she was confused and didn't know how to respond because no one ever felt that way about her before and didn't know how to respond. There were such strong words that should only be used when u truly care for each other. She finally said i love you too, it was a big deal to her

That night Eva wrote her boyfriend a very long paragraph about how much she cared for him and waited for him to wake up to respond and see it. When Bear woke up he read the long paragraph and started to cry, because he also never had somebody that cared that much about him and thanked her so much. Bear was also broken maybe even worse than ever but they brought each other back together

Long distance was hard and about 2 weeks in their relationship eva got her phone taken away, she always found ways to talk to him, at first t tell him what happened she commented on a post of his on instagram, saying it doesn't mean the end and she's trying her hardest to get it back, she found a old phone and used it to text him, and at school her old best friend would text bear videos and photos of eva to keep his hope going. Eva later broke her old phone but found a tablet they were calling one night and she go caught and go it taken away, her friend let her use her phone to tell him to add her on facebook so she could text him off her ps4 on messenger, he did and they texted that way for a long time

Eva was soon aloud to have her phone back for 2 hours a day and would text her boyfriend on her ps4 seeing if he could talk because she would use all that time talking to him, they would facetime for 2 hours or if he couldn't would text, it brought them closer together

One night bear told eva something he hadn't been telling her, bear would get these chest pains everyday 3 times a day, he said it would feel like someone put a hot frying pan up to his chest and would just hold it there and not take it off, when he told her it was happening she cried and cried and cried a lot because she knew she couldn't be there to comfort him and to help make it feel better and had to do it over the phone with what time she had left on it

Eva was happy, she wasn't broken anymore, she was happy, one time she was at a sleepover with her all time best friend kate, eva had her phone for the sleepover so she wanted her two favorite people to meet each other and they facetimed her boyfriend all night, in the middle evas phone died so she gave katelynn her boyfriends number so they could still face, kate later kept sending embarrassing pictures of eva to her boyfriend and in the middle of the sleepover eva was texting her boyfriend, and was apparently smiling a lot, katelynn texted him a picture and it made him so over filled with happiness

Later in the relationship it started to go bad; bear was still broken, he told her that if she ever broke up with him he would kill himself gain and it would all be her fault, he said this cause he was so use to being left and thought it was the only way to keep her to stay with him was to tell her that, this broke her, she felt at fault for everything, like everything was her fault

She finally decided to tell her brother to ask what to do he said it was very toxic and he shouldn't be doing thi but sense he never had done something like this before give him a couple days and see if it continues if it does then don't deal with it, it continued after a couple days and she told kate what had happened and how she didnt want to leave even if it meant risking her own mental health so he wouldn't die. Kate almost had to force her to break up with the bear because she was so afraid he would actually do it.

After that he couldn't text her anymore, she was worried, eventually she finally got back in contact and would text occasionally, everytime they texted she would cry, and couldn't stop, almost every time they texted they'd fight and it broke her all over again

One time she was at a game and she texted him they got in the biggest fight yet and she was crying even more than before, she was completely broken, what she realizes that nobody had noticed or cared she was crying and breaking down and nobody asked what was wrong.

She had realized he became the monster she feared and would dream of

One night she was at the school dance with her friends, they had come over earlier and they all got ready together, she was happy for one she found her source of happiness. When she was at the dance, she got a text. The text. He said “hey”

“Hey how are you

“Terrible i can't stop crying “

“what's wrong”

“I don't want to talk about it”

“Please i know u better than anyone tell me”

“My best friend back home in athens killed himself”

“Omg im so sorry”

He wouldn't text back the rest of the night. Towards the end of the night she texted again and “said can i ask u something?”

“Sure”

“Did u actually try,,, to kill yoursellf”

“Yeah 3 times”

“How”

“OD”

“Was it all my fault?”

“Yes”

That night Eva was broken again all over again, she was right it was all her fault, she caused everything and it was all her fault. She cried a lot at the dance and just wanted to go home.

Eva lost her sense of home after that night when she got home, it didn't feel like home, she'd cry and cry wanting to go home but she was home, but it didn't feel the same. It was filled with memories of the monster.

They stopped talking for awhile, until they later got in contact again, he was apparently happier, he told her he had a girlfriend, and how the night bear and eva broke up they got together, this broke eva all together again because she realized she still loved him so much. She pretended to be happy they talked for longer, he told her he didn't want her in his life anymore, this broke her, she told him to tell her what he was feeling before she left and got out of his life for forever

“Are u sure u want me to”

“Yes just say it”

““I FUCKING HATE YOU”

“Yeah, i figured”

“No no no, i've hated u ever scene the day you left”

Eva remembered all the times after words were see said shell just leave because it seemed better for him and he said no stay i care about u still, and she believed him

You're so selfish when it comes to relationships and annoying as hell. I literally hate u anywhere u go u cause pain and i just want u gone and out of my life.

This broke eva one more time, she didn't realize it till now that she loc=ved him she loved him so much that i love outweighed the bad and all the bad things he had done to her, she still love him and wanted him back

This relationship, was very toxic this relationship caused eva a lot of problems mentally, she began to hate herself she came very very depressed, she would cut constantly to try and relax herself and distract herself and to make it all go away even if it was for a brief time, she didn't think she was pretty enough, she thought of her sels as ugly she thought of herself as fat, and not good enough for anybody, so she refused to talk to anybody about anything anymore, she thought that if she kept it all in and bottled it up and never knew nobody would have a chance to hurt her again

One day in math class she got sat next to this person they were named jordan, her and jordan became to grow closer to each other, every day when eva would enter class, even looking like a disaster jordan would say hey gorgeous, or ey beautiful, jordan taught eva how to trust again, jordan helped ever feel better again feel better about herself again, jordan taught her that it was okay to be happy and it was okay to trust people. Jordan taught Eva to love again and to love herself.

Everyday after school Jordan would hang out with Eva at the homework club, Eva told Jordan all of her secrets and all of her stories. Jordan was the first person she learned to trust and the first person who taught her it's okay to be vulnerable. Jordan means a lot to Eva and couldn't live without her.

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mangodrama · 5 years

Text

30 day thinspo challenge

Day One- Your stats

SW - 135//CW - 122//UGW - 108-112

Day Two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I’m 5’4’’. I do like my height. I think it makes lots of things easier! Airplane travel, dating (if dating someone taller is a preference), finding short skits that aren’t to short to wear, wearing heels, etc.

Day Three- A picture of your thinspiration. What features do you like about this person?

Ariana grande is my thinspiration of the moment. I really love her arms and also how narrow her hips are. She reminds me of what I looked like at my LW and what will look when I reach my UGW 🙌🏼🤞🏼💪🏼

Day Four- Your greatest fears about weight loss.

Not making enough progress in time 😞

Day Five- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

Definitely for me. It’s all about living at my full potential. I honestly was happier when I was at my lowest weight. I really really want to get back to that ASAP.

Day Six- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

Yes I do 😣 I’ve struggled with bulimia on and off since I was about 12. While I had the tendency to overeat since a very young age, I haven’t really practiced a more stereotypical type of binge purge activity until the past year. I really really hate it but so much of it is addicting and reinforcing—the act of binging (huge dopamine hits from eating ‘forbidden’ foods especially after a period of extreme restriction), getting on the scale the next morning and not seeing it go up after a night of hedonistic eating (not usually the case, and typically it will go up even more the following day after rehydrating or giving in to extreme urges after putting my body through the trauma of purging).

I’ve also noticed that now I’m in my 20s the after effects of a b/p session are much worse. I wake up feeling terrible (I b/p at night, never AM yet and I’m normally I’m a morning person), my face is swollen, my mouth burns and tastes bad for the next 2 days, my stomach cramps when I exercise, etc. etc. etc...

I think I’ve identified a few things that either trigger or increase my chances of b/p’ing: stress at work, anticipating an event, not regularly exercising, restrictive eating, drinking, going over my calorie budget.

Day Seven- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care?

I love alone, 3,000 miles alway for my parents so not really pertinent but my mom knows I’m trying to get down to my “normal weight” (I don’t think she knows what that number means to me). I’ve never been scary thin so they have no reason to worry other than my past know/diagnosed issues with bulimia.

Day Eight- Your workout routine.

I looooove to exercise. It puts me in such a good mood so I try to eat a large portion of my calories 2 hours before my workouts so I’ll perform better even when I’m restricting.

At the moment I’ve been aiming for 4 workouts a week—3 cardio hip hop classes and 1 cardio/body weight/yoga fusion class. I’ll typically burn 400 active calories in each of these classes (based on Apple Watch). I also aim for 400 calories of active calories/day (but will usually only hit 350 on non-workout days. I walk to and from work (1/2 mile each way) and always carry my groceries home each week.

I want to add in daily abs in November (maybe just 1 min plank x 3) since I’ll be in a bikini in December ✈️🌴🌊

Day Nine- Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

No I’ve been lucky enough to never experience this. I think it’s because I’ve always been a healthy weight (never too heavy or too light) and my life has been really sheltered. There was one time in 8th grade when my friend and i were fighting and she said something kind of mean but i won’t even repeat it because it was so dumb/silly 😂. Although it did really bother me.

I think if someone made a negative comment about me being too heavy it would really really upset me. Like trigger a mental break down kind of upset. If someone were to comment on me being too skinny on the other hand...well I don’t see this happening but you know what they say: you can never be too rich or too thin.

Day Ten- What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”

Probably studying for my grad school admission test. I just don’t have the energy anymore. Oh well...once I reach my goal weight I’ll start, right? Lol.

Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!

Don’t have one yet I’m still new to all this...

Day Twelve- What do you normally eat?

6:45 AM - ACV with cinnamon and hot water first thing every morning

7 AM Big breakfast (350-450 cals)

10 AM coffee with a little oat milk (30 cals)

Noon Big lunch (400-500 cals)

Then I fast until the next morning, which usually comes out to be 18 hours of fasting (18:6 intermittent fasting).

Ive been aiming for 950 cals per day. This past week was hard with Halloween and I didn’t do too well 😞.

Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

Unhealthy. I’ve lost weight before in a healthy way, which was much more sustainable and ultimately successful (and faster too, at least overall). Oh well.

Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?

UGW is 108. I don’t expect to get there this year with travel and holiday plans but I’m hoping by March ‘20.

Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

I am not. I was briefly a (bad) vegetarian who only ate carbs and gained a lot of weight. I would consider giving it another go for environmental reasons but not to lose weight.

Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose weight?

Day Seventeen- Do you have an eating disorder?

Day Eighteen- What food is your weakness?

Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?

Day Twenty- Favorite diet?

Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?

Day Twenty-Two- What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?

Day Twenty-Three- Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?

Day Twenty-Four- How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia

Day Twenty-Five- Have you ever purged? If you have, describe your first experience.

Day Twenty-Six- What excites you most about reaching your ugw?

Day Twenty-Seven- How do you deal with being around food?

Day Twenty-Eight- Do you want that “gap” between your legs? Why?

Day Twenty-Nine- Your definition of beauty.

Day Thirty-10 facts about you! And now, what are your stats?

#30 day thinspo challenge #thinspiration #thinspo #ed #not pro

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sgtduckybucky · 6 years

Text

Sorry

Anon said: So I just learned you take song request. Can you write something with Sorry by Halsey. Maybe something angst about Sebastian. I totally understand if you can’t.

A/N: I’m so, so, so, SO sorry for taking so long! I’ve been going through a lot lately but I finally managed to write and post this. Hope you’ll like it!

p.s, requests are open!

The ticking of the clock on your bedside table numbed your sense. Tick, tick tick, the handle went with each passing second. You were lying on your bed, staring at the wall in front of You. Your phone kept lighting up with every notification You received. You didn’t bother to check because You knew who it was as always, It was Sebastian Stan. The man You loved dearly. No, the man You hated intensely. No, wait, that isn’t right either. Sebastian Stan was a man who randomly became a part of your life. And things were great at first. You were fast close friends who did everything together. Until one day, it all stopped.

As a person who suffered from general anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder, it wasn’t easy to be an introverted person and keep up with all the social gatherings. Still, You tried your best. You went out with friends when You had the time, You made sure to interact on social media platforms and tried to have alone time outside the house for at least one hour. It was pretty draining for You but it was better being in bed, numb from everything around You and ignoring the world You live in. Not being in contact, not eating or drinking and not bathing.

It was on one of these outings that You had met Sebastian. Your friend had invited him over for your usual dinner dates with your other members of your group. You had taken a liking to him due to the similar interests the both of You had in regards to music, movies and television.

You would text each other every day. Talking about random things. You also sent snapchats to each other, which resulted in the both of you having a snapchat streak.

This lasted for three months when one day, You just stopped everything. It was subtle at first. Giving him the common excuse of ‘hey sorry. I was busy didn’t get to see your message.’ and when he would tell You that it’s ok and ask You how your day had been, You would give him short answers to his reply.

Things went hill gradually after that. He would text You about a movie he would want to see and invite You to join but You would decline, claiming You had something important to do. Then, he would try to start a conversation about the latest episode from your favorite tv show and ask your opinions on it but You would tell him that You hadn’t been keeping up with the show anymore.

Slowly, You stopped responding to his messages all together, but he didn’t. It’s been months since You’ve started replying to his texts. And it’s been weeks since he decided to call You and ask if You were ok. Even your friends had intervened and wondered if Sebastian had done any harm.

You assured them that, no, he did nothing wrong. And that You were just busy. You see, the thing is, when You have anxiety and depression, sometimes You didn’t want to interact with people. Sometimes, it was ok to stay isolated and be with yourself. It’s just, people didn’t understand what You went through, that’s all.

After about two months of ignoring Sebastian, one day, You randomly texted him if he wanted to join You for a cup of coffee at the local cafe. And just like that, things went back to normal between the two of You. He didn’t question what happened and You didn’t bother bringing it up. For You knew, this would only last a while before You went back to ignoring him.

Cause I can change my mind each day.

II.

Ah, the month of August. The month where You can sense the weather almost cooling down slowly. The month that softly whispers about Autumn being right around the corner. The month where Sebastian Stan was born. August 13th to be exact.

Despite not talking to Sebastian for about five months, You didn’t completely forget about him. He still lingered at the back of your mind, the same way a mother’s warning would whenever You were about to do something wrong.

Perhaps that’s why You still remembered his birthday. That, or the constant hints from your friend’s trying to invite You to his birthday party.

“You’re his best friend, Y/N. You should go to the party.” Your friend would whine at You.

You furrowed your eyebrows at her, “How am I his best friend when I barely talk to the guy?”

Your friend bit her lip in nervousness, “He just,” she said with worry, “He promised me not to tell you this but he really likes you and I know it would mean the world to him if you showed up tomorrow.”

You had expected this. You could tell that the Romanian had feelings for You. What with the way he constantly asks about You and see if You were ok. And on the days where You felt sociable and actually left your house, he always took You to your favorite places. The topics he chose to talk about were obviously about your interests and not his.

“It depends on my mood.” Your friend rolled her eyes at You.

“Please, just try.” She urged You.

And You did. You honestly tried to go to his party. You spent the morning of his birthday trying to pick out an appropriate outfit. You even showered and shaved your legs for the damn thing. But, when You walked out of the bathroom, with the steam following after You and twirling towards the ceiling before vanishing, You felt your shoulders slump at the sight of the black dress laid on your bed.

With your hair still dripping wet, You walked to your bed and grabbed the hanger and put the dress back in your closet.

You didn’t feel guilty as the hours went by. You didn’t feel anything as your friends kept texting You to please, please come. You still had time. You didn’t even frown at their angry texts or their insults. You just continued to browse through whatever app You were in the mood for.

And when Sebastian’s message came through at 2 o’clock in the morning, saying, I didn’t get to see you tonight. I hope you’re well, You just read it and went back to watching some random show on Netflix, not fully processing the show.

III.

“At last, my love has come along. My lonely days, are over.”

Came the voice of Etta James through the car speakers. You smiled as You turned up the volume, singing along to the lyrics and humming the forgotten words.

Suddenly, a voice in your head, that sounded just like your mother, said. It’s his mom’s favorite song.

You continued to hum the song as the thoughts of Sebastian invaded your mind.

A week after his birthday, Sebastian had invited You over to his place for lunch and, to his surprise, You said yes.

His home was lovely. It was small and cozy, yet spacious enough to have multiple bedrooms, bathrooms, a living room and a kitchen.

Sebastian’s mother had welcomed You with open arms and a bright smile on her lips. Claiming that she had heard so much about You. She had an accent to her words but it made her sound charming.

Sebastian’s mother had made Ciorbă, Cabbage roll and Mititei for lunch. And, although it was a lot of food, all of you managed to eat everything.

His mother was a total sweetheart who loved to tell jokes and laugh loudly. She also liked to make new friends and made sure that her guests were comfortable. You could see where Sebastian got his caring nature from.

When lunch and dessert was done, Sebastian’s mother suggested to play some music and went to turn on the radio.

“Oh, I love this song!” She said through her Romanian as Etta James’ voice filled the room. She then extended her hand to Sebastian and asked him for a dance.

Without even a blush of embarrassment, he gladly took her hand and dance with her, singing some parts of the song to her.

You watched the two of them with an easy smile and swayed gently to the melody.

IV.

September 22nd, the first day of Fall. The plants were slowly changing. The greens fading into yellows. The skies filled with darker clouds. The wind getting colder. And the rain increasing its visits. Just like today.

You silently watched the trails of rain sliding down the cafe window. You were entranced by the people walking outside, some rushing to get out of the rain and stay dry while others enjoying the wet visit. Your right hand was wrapped around the warm coffee mug while your left hand supported your chin.

The flash of lightening didn’t phase You, nor did the loud boom of the thunder. It was actually calming for You.

“Y/N?”

Slowly, You forced yourself to look away from the captivating show of people outside and dragged them to look at the persona who called your name.

“Hello, Sebastian.” You greeted, voice emotionless.

His hair was slightly wet, You noticed. His umbrella was in his hand, still dripping, making a small puddle of water next to his shoes. He was panting slightly, cheeks red in color.

“You can join me if you want.” You offered, dragging your eyes to the empty chair before You and then looking at him once more.

He smiled, “Sure, let me just order real quick.” He rested his umbrella against the table and placed his black jacket on the back of the grey chair.

Minutes later, Sebastian had returned with a steaming mug of coffee, taking seat before You.

Neither of You said anything. You, busy watching the people outside, and him, pouring sugar into his drink and then looking at You, stealing a quick glance at what caught your attention.

“So,” he dragged out the word, “how have you been?” he asked.

It’s been almost a year since you’ve met Sebastian Stan. A year of you two being friends. A year of him enduring your mood swings. A year of him checking up on You. And a year of never giving up.

“I’m...okay.” You answered, wrapping both your hands around your forgotten half empty drink. “What about you?”

“I’m doing great. Working is a bit exhausting though but I’ll get over it.”

You gave him a polite small smile at his answer.

It was quiet again between the two of You. Sebastian took a couple of sips of his drink while You continued to watch out the window. The air around you wasn’t awkward. Nor was it enjoyable. It was something that was just there. A statement that there were two people sitting together and not saying anything to each other.

“I’m sorry.”

Sebastian brought his head up from his phone and laid his eyes on You, who was still looking out the window.

“For what?” he asked with his eyebrows pulled forward and voice laced with confusion.

“For ignoring you.” You replied after a long pause, finally looking away from the window.

“It’s ok.” he assured You with his kind eyes and gentle voice.

You shook your head.

“It’s just, I knew that You like me.” You noticed his eyes widening slowly, “I’m sorry that you ended up falling in love with a person like me.”

It took Sebastian a couple of seconds to ask You, “What do you mean?”

You looked away from his curious eyes, rubbing your hands in anxiety.

“I’m...not an emotionally stable person, Sebastian.” You answered, looking him straight in the eyes. I runaway when things are good. I hide behind my depression and anxiety when my life seems to look good.”

You watched as Sebastian tried to say something, mouth opening and closing, “I thought that you would give up on me when you saw the truth. That it’s normal for me to cut off all ties for months for no absolute reason. I knew that you like me and I was sure that my behavior would have you running away.”

Sebastian didn’t say anything, wanting You to finish.

“I stopped replying to your messages and calls, I didn’t show up to your birthday last month. I went months not talking to and I was sure that your feelings towards me would change and yet, through all that, you stayed. You stayed and never changed. And I never really understood the way you laid your eyes on me whenever I decide to meet you. How they light up with happiness at the mere sight of me.”

When You didn’t say anything else, Sebastian slid his hand across the table, palm opening upwards. You slowly rested yours on top of his and felt your heart skip a beat as he closed his big hand around yours.

“I don’t know much about you.” Sebastian began, “I don’t know if you like me or not. And if you do, I don’t even know if our relationship will last. But I do know this,” he brought his eyes up and locked them with yours. The intensity in them made your breath hitch, “I am willing to try. I am willing to be committed. And though you may not understand why, why I have strong feelings for you, I am willing to show you.”

With every word he uttered, with every reassurance he had in his voice, You felt your heart pickup speed. It was different from when You had anxiety or panic attacks. It was surprisingly a pleasant feeling.

You nodded your head, “Ok,” You said with a shaky voice. Body tensing as Sebastian squeezed your hand in affection.

“I’m also willing to try to change-” You frowned as Sebastian shook his head.

“Don’t change for me, Y/N. Change for yourself. Change because you want to.”

At his words, You smiled shyly at him and squeezed his hand back.

Things grew slow between you. It took a long time for You to change yourself. It took awhile for You to accept that there was someone who loved You in your life despite the things You suffered with mentally. It was a while before You explore your relationship with Sebastian. But it did happen. You slowly growing to like Sebastian Stan happened. You going on dates with him happened. And You accepting to be his girlfriend happened. Your habits of isolating yourself didn’t completely disappear, but neither did Sebastian.

#sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you

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future-rp · 6 years

Photo

libra’s main dance & vocalist shiah

jackrabbit entertainment; chroeography, modeling 14 vocal / 00 rap / 17 dance

TRIGGER WARNINGS: parental death, bullying, eating disorders, mental illness

a record plays gently in the background, something slow with guitar strings and light vocals. a young woman and man dance in the living room of a house they just bought. they’re newlyweds who have all the time in the world to decide what they’re going to do. they’ll take on the world, they know – they’ll be unstoppable. and so, will the little girl who kicks lightly at her mother’s stomach – the couple’s laughter flows through the air as the mother unwraps an arm from around the father’s shoulder, sets it on the life budding inside her between them. they glance at one another and smile. the scene is soft and serene, and they know nothing will ever change.

ii.

a little girl is running around the yard of green, green grass chasing a small pup. her mother smiles out the window, her dishes almost completely forgotten as she watches the light of her life. the mother’s husband walks up behind her to wrap an arm around her hips and hums.

“she looks just like you, eunwoo.”

the woman chuckles, shaking her head.

“she’s going to be far prettier than me.” the woman, eunwoo, points out. “how are we going to keep the boys away from her?” she asked with faux-concern. “i think we may have to lock her up to keep them away, taeyang.”

her husband shakes his head, “we raise her right, and she’ll take care of those boys all by herself.”

eunwoo smiles, leans back into her husband’s arms.

they’re content.

iii.

“seo shiah?”

it’s the little girl’s first dance class, and she’s smiling brightly up at the instructor. it’s ballet – because what little girl wasn’t put into some sort of ballet class when she was young? but she didn’t mind because she liked dancing around in the studio with her friends, and it made her mama cry happy tears and her pap smile, and that was all she wanted. shiah decided that she was going to make them happy no matter what she did – because that was what they deserved, and she was determined to deliver. after all, her parents made her smile, why wouldn’t she want to make them smile?

shiah tries her best, she dances around in her little tu-tu whenever she’s required; she giggles and shakes her butt – and her instructor laughs and tell her to get back into her spot. shiah likes to make people smile, she’s decided, and wants to make it her life’s mission to make as many people smile as possible.

iv.

shiah has decided she doesn’t like school.

not because it’s hard, because it’s all actually very easy. no, it’s because of the mean girls who pull on her hair and call her ugly. shiah doesn’t understand, her mother always told her she was a very pretty little girl, how could anyone ever call her ugly? she was just trying to be nice and introduce herself, she was just trying to make friends, so why were they being so mean?

when she goes home that day from school, she asks her mother why she has to attend. eunwoo sighs and smooths her daughter’s hair – says she needs a good education, so she can do something important after school. not to mention, there wasn’t a way anyone could ever hate her – it would just take some time. shiah frowns but agrees to go play with her toys in the other room like her mother tells her to.

they don’t have that conversation again. shiah doesn’t manage to make friends.

shiah continues dancing well into her elementary age – they’re the only friends she’s managed to make and they’re all deciding where they’re going to be attending high school. they’re the only ones who understand shiah’s love of dancing and are the only ones she trusts to tell she’s thinking of applying to schools in seoul.

they think she’s crazy, but they’re willing to join her in sending in applications. shiah doesn’t know how she would’ve made it through school without having them to escape to.

in the meantime, they decide to continue work on one of their routines – it’s in that moment shiah decides this is what she wants to do. she wants to dance, and nothing else. she wants to be like those people online who choreograph and dance for youtube videos at those fancy studios in seoul. her heart pounds as they move through the routine, shiah can’t help the smile that overtakes her lips. she doesn’t ever want to stop, wants to keep moving, wants to keep feeling free.

she goes home that night happy.

vi.

shiah is shoved up against a locker. she frowns at the girl who pushed her, eyes narrow as she tries to move away. but the girl has friends, and her friends don’t let shiah escape. she wants to cry but doesn’t allow herself – but the girls notice shiah’s eyes are watering. she doesn’t remember what happens after that, just a dull ache in her head.

while shiah’s parents wonder why she comes home with bruises from time-to-time, shiah just laughs it off and tells them it’s from dance class – she’s fine, really!

shiah still doesn’t like school.

vii.

shiah’s nervous when she decides to finally tell her parents she wants to apply to arts schools in seoul. they’re a poor family, she knows – but i could get a scholarship! it’s far away, she knows – but i promise i’ll visit – i’ll even get a job so you don’t have to pay for my tickets! she had it all planned out in her mind. it was going to go smoothly, if it was going to kill her.

except she doesn’t actually expect it to go smoothly.

all the questions she prepared herself for, the disappointment she even prepared herself for – averted. her parent’s response is a simple “okay.” shiah’s left dumbfounded, stars at her parents for a long time before her face breaks out into a bright smile. they promise to help deal with her applications, and they’re all done in a fairly short amount of time. eunwoo tells her she’s going to be the best dancer there. taeyang tells her she’s going to be star – he can feel it.

shiah is happy – for once, she’s happy.

viii.

happiness doesn’t last.

one would think shiah would’ve realized this already.

shiah’s fourteen when her mother dies – a car crash. drunk driver.

seo eunwoo was killed on-impact.

shiah doesn’t know what to do with herself.

taeyang wraps his arms around his daughter, turning her away from the mangled body of her mother.

seo taeyang is a widower, and he’s not quite sure what he’s going to do.

ix.

for a long time, life is a blur. shiah eats, sleeps, dances, goes to school – but she doesn’t really experience anything. people know what happened; there’s no hiding from the truth. but shiah decides that she really doesn’t want to participate in life right now, and no one faults her for it.

deadlines for tests are extended for her, she is given extra time before exams – her teachers don’t really know what else to do. shiah appreciates that, even if they don’t know it.

classmates pretend that the years of bullying never happened and try to make her feel better. shiah just brushes them off – they don’t really care. she considers saying something along the lines of how they could possibly say such nice things when they made her want to die only a month ago, but decides it isn’t the time. she still hates them.

she doesn’t find as much solace in dance as she wants to, but she keeps dancing.

taeyang is broken, and shiah knows it. she tells him it’s okay, she misses mama too – and he breaks down and cries. for hours they weep their hearts out until no tears will fall anymore – and taeyang makes shiah dinner. they talk lightly and end up falling asleep on the couch together afterward. it’s a nice night, and for a while shiah’s able to not think about it.

shiah starts to get her letters back from the high schools she’s applied to – she almost forgot about them. she doesn’t care to open them at first, especially because she doesn’t want to leave geochang anymore – doesn’t want to leave her father.

but taeyang is thrilled when the letters come – he smiles and tells her it’s what she’s been waiting for, here’s the chance! shiah’s clearly not as excited but opens them just to make her father happy.

she can’t help the yelp when she’s actually gotten accepted. taeyang’s ecstatic.

shiah tries to push it off, says she shouldn’t go, she couldn’t leave her father alone in geochang – they’d be too far apart, and shiah couldn’t do that. taeyang says it’s nonsense – and anyway, he was thinking of moving. what would be the harm in moving to seoul together? shiah wonders why at first, but she doesn’t have to ask to realize living in their house pains him. too many memories. she knows it’s the first house they bought together – eunwoo and taeyang’s ‘forever-home.’

but it wasn’t home anymore. no, the house was filled to the brim with painful ghosts assaulting them every step of the way. so shiah doesn’t comment, she just smiles and says it’s a great idea.

they move to seoul before shiah starts in high school.

xi.

hanlim isn’t like her other school.

they wear uniforms, and no one bats an eye when shiah says she’s from geochang.

the other girls say they wished they looked as pretty as shiah did – she had the looks of an idol.

the boys approached shiah, a couple even asked her out on dates.

hanlim isn’t like her other school.

for once in her life, shiah enjoys school.

xii.

shiah is fifteen and has never had her first kiss – her new friends make it their mission to change that. where shiah doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal, her new friends are surprised that she’s never done anything – not even held someone else’s hand. they’re determined to get her a boyfriend as soon as possible, even if shiah says she’s not really interested in a relationship. they don’t care, smile and say she doesn’t need to be shy. shiah just sighs and goes alone with it – because what the hell, what harm could it do?

her first kiss isn’t amazing – fireworks don’t go off in her head as she presses her lips to some boy’s she barely knew during a game of spin-the-bottle. her friends ooh and ahh at her, giggle sheepishly – but shiah just smiles and shakes her head. they move on in the game quickly.

it isn’t until a girl spins the bottle and it lands on another girl that shiah realizes that maybe she wishes she were kissing that girl – or maybe it’s the way her other friends react. while shiah just shrugs it off, the others in the group start hollering – both girls faces’ go bright read. it’s easy to read the situation.

they end up not making the two girls kiss – there was no need. this was basically just to get shiah to have her first kiss, and that certainly wasn’t going to be with another girl.

right?

xiii.

shiah is approached by a hip-hop dance crew in seoul called ‘gloss,’ and she decides to join. they like the way she dances, and shiah enjoys dancing. despite her already busy schedule, shiah competes for about two years with them, and even ends up choreographing a few small bits in their routines.

gloss is well known in seoul, but certainly not for taking in new members. her friends are jealous, ask how she could’ve possibly done that. shiah doesn’t really understand, she just keeps moving on with her life. she has fun, while it lasts.

xiv.

a group of hanlim students decided to go to some company auditions – shiah isn’t really that into the kpop scene but decides to tag along. it’s while she’s there that she’s approached by a staff member who asks if she was auditioning. shiah smiles and shakes her head – just there for support, her friend was though! the staff member gives her a once-over before stating that an audition wouldn’t hurt. after a quick call to her father, shiah gets permission and manages to audition.

a while later, shiah finds out she’s the only one from the seoul auditions who made it. she’s officially a jackrabbit entertainment trainee.

xv.

control.

shiah needs control.

becoming a trainee meant a special schedule both at hanlim and jackrabbit. she feels like it’s a whirlwind of activity, and she’s quickly overwhelmed. the time she gets to spend at home is usually spent quickly eating a meal with her father before going off to do her homework. no matter what she does, there seems to be more work piling up by the minute.

shiah feels stuck.

she needs control.

xvi.

control is taken when shiah stops eating.

she may not be able to control what is going on in her life, but she can control what she puts into her body.

it starts out as harmless – as harmless as counting calories can be. she decides she’ll only eat this much – she was supposed to be counting calories anyway. she was supposed to be thin after all. she was supposed to be fit – supposed to be the ideal body type. she just wants control, and now she’s being put into a potential group’s lineup, and shiah feels lost.

it’s harmless until it’s not, she realizes.

but she doesn’t realize until it’s too late and she blacks out in the middle of practice. she’s sent home to rest, she just needs a day and then she’d be fine.

but her father knows that’s not the truth.

xvii.

she’s put on appetite enhancer to make her eat. she’s given a cocktail of other drugs to try and help her feel normal. for a while, shiah is in a haze – she vaguely remembers practices, classes, and general life-things that happen, but she doesn’t really remember them. they’re apparitions of memories, but shiah doesn’t tell anyone.

no one needs to know.

xviii.

libra debuts with the song “chase me” and shiah is conflicted. and almost 100% sure the company hates her. why would she only have one line in the entire song? did they not trust her? was she bad? then why’d they debut her? shiah really tries to not let it get to her, but it’s hard – especially because she was so excited for their debut. when it’s revealed that she doesn’t have much of a part in it, she doesn’t exactly know how to feel about it.

shiah is determined to do better. she’s determined to keep going, even if she is disappointed, because she hasn’t gotten this far to give up. even though she’s certainly wanted to give up – they finally debuted. shouldn’t she be happy?

she’s not really happy, but she’s good at pretending to be happy. and it must work, especially when she’s asked to begin choreographing for the group. the trainers mention something about her dance classes and the group she was a part of before joining jackrabbit – and shiah decides that maybe things are going to be okay. maybe she did something right.

the rumors about members being involved with the ceo brings down the mood after debut, and shiah’s anxiety begins to spike. she doesn’t really know if they’re founded, but no evidence is ever surfaced so shiah just shoves it to the back of her mind. she has her own problems.

that doesn’t mean she’s not attentive. that doesn’t mean she’s not the member who the others confide in. but it does mean that shiah keeps to herself, keeps herself guarded. because keeping herself guarded seems to be doing better things for her than opening up.

maybe, for once, she had the control she needed. just enough.

xix.

two years.

four comebacks.

shiah is tired, but thrilled.

she spends a lot of time in the dance studio, not only perfecting the dance routines required by their performances and practicing her vocals, which had come so, so far since the beginning. she became one of the choreographers for the group, even if her routines were tweaked (and occasionally unrecognizable from her original) by the company – at least she was given some input. at least she had somewhat of a say – because that was more than some groups could complain.

sometimes things felt out of control, and sometimes shiah had to rely a little bit more on her medication than usual – but other than that, she was fine. right? that was what she kept telling herself, after all.

as time progressed, her good looks were beginning to be marketed off – modelling wasn’t something she would’ve thought about before she was thrown into doing a few commercials. she had been told she was a natural in front of the camera, her looks striking and pleasing to the eye. shiah decided why not and let the company do what they wanted with her, in that aspect.

even if, sometimes, the comments are too much to handle. they’re not all positive, after all.

but shiah is fine – or so she keeps telling herself. she’s fine, and nothing can keep her from being happy with her girls. not even her father’s new family that he got at some point while she was promoting ‘fly high.’ shiah decides she doesn’t care – because they weren’t her family, the only one she cared about was her father.

her job was making people happy again, after all – and her father was happy, wasn’t he?

even if the smile on her face was fake, she was smiling, wasn’t she?

#ft. accepted #ft. libra bio

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softnorwegians · 6 years

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Some asks that I’m answering all together because I don’t have much to say and didn’t necessarily want to put them all on people’s dashes:

I just rewatched Season 2 and I‘m asking myself why I liked Noora that much. Besides the whole William thing. What he did to Vilde was so gross and he did not change. And let’s be hones, what happend to Noora when she was young was what William did to Vilde. Besides that. When she just directly shows Eva the tabs on Isaks Phone and talks about him and Sara in such a judgmental and mean way. And the whole Syria Crisis thing was so awkward, she didn’t really care. She just wanted to seem better 1\

2 than Eskild. And how she kissed Yousef even though she was so sure that Sana fancied him. And why? Because Sana did not tell her William had a new girlfriend. But in season 2 Noora doesn’t tell Eva about Jonas new girlfriend for a while. She tells her right before Eva and her go to the party where Jonas and his girlfriend are too. Ugh Noora in season 1 was awesome but they completely destroyed her character.

Yeah, tbh Noora was never one of my favorites? Maybe because I try to live-and-let-live and not get too judgmental so it’s extra painful to see someone failing at that. I think Noora is realistic and sometimes relatable but it can be a little hard to watch, hahaha.

I was always okay with Noora until s4 though! I absolutely got completely sick of her during s4, ajhksjf. I don’t hold kissing Yousef against her because I like to pretend that just didn’t happen but I was exhausted by how much we were seeing and hearing about her.

I’m confused as to why people are upset about William getting mad at Noora when he thought she slept with Nikolai?? Unless I’m remembering it wrong, he asked her “did you sleep with my brother” and she responded with “I don’t know” and he stormed off. That definitely doesn’t seem like an overreaction to me, just miscommunication as to what happened and what exactly Noora didn’t know (whether she was raped or not vs. whether she had consensual with him or not)

Well, “I don’t know” is an answer that doesn’t really make sense when related to the question of having sex so I think people felt like it was little ‘eh’ to not pick up on the undercurrent of what she was saying with it. But yeah, I’m not holding his initial reaction against him. It’s when he gets the texts that I’m like “...what”.

just saw this in the tag "blackmail? lol she doesn't have to go on the date. all she had to do was say "hell no" and then tell vilde what happened. it's not that serious". why did society teach us it's desirable for a man to never stop even if you say no to him, that if he just keeps pushing you'll see the light eventually. it's also funny that france leaked a key episode again to create hype. there's no way it isn't intential. i guess at least Italy will get s3 since they're in Oslo now *sighs*

I probably should have addressed more about Noora agreeing to the date but oh well. ...I have an allergic reaction to “s3” and “remake” in the same sentence. It’s making me not want to watch any of the remakes any farther, tbh.

one thing is also that he doesn't say it in a joking way, he sounds serious and it's very bad directed if that line was supposed to be a cute way of asking for consent.

Yeah, agreed, like I don’t get that at all from the line. It’s more what I figure it has to be.

If you look past how unnecessary annoying and obsessed Julie made Vilde (to a point some people probably thought it all was Vilde and not William), she also had a pattern with Norh*lm. His friends get beat up instead of him, he acts like 180, Noora doesn't owe him. He gets mad and hurt when she tells the truth, he walks away and she lays it out again but she kisses him. She doesn't know if she was assaulted but she has to get him back when he's been hurt. What a mess but boyfriend goalz!

I’m tired.

If it's hard to see how Wilhelm pressured Noora then switch it out to be about sex or coming out of the closet and add in how everything affects Vilde with her eating disorder and fragilness with her feelings then perhaps it's clear as a day.

Sorry, I’m not quite following this one! But I feel like I would support you. 😁

I don't see why peolke think william changes in s2? He gets points from his fans that he stops sleeping with girls, is gentle and soft (Vilde said he was that and that's why she fell back to her, NHs must really dislike Vilde in the 2.8 scene), doesn't pressure her with sex after she says she wants to wait, doesn't read her messages, finishes her essay while she's sleeping after a panic attack and GOSH doesn't leave his love in that state to party hard. Then ignores/levavs her when he finds out.

I’m still with Vilde, she deserved better than William and why isn’t that true for Noora too?

I would actually say literally nothing I hate about willhelm (besides not using a condom) is stuff heard via rumors and gossip and actually just through stuff he actually does onscreen lol. Also even if He never would've actually told Vilde about what happened threatening to do so isn't any better sorry

I just really hate in general that he’s leveraging something to get to Noora. I mean, she does agree to this date (offscreen) but even then, it was a bargain and not because she actually wanted to be there. What kind of “date” is that. I just hate seeing that in any context, a woman coerced into a “romantic” situation.

“Take Vilde, she reveals he was loyal, caring and gentle when they had sex beforehand we were made to believe the opposite was true”..Um and then he slept with every girl in school. I mean sleep with whoever you want, however many people you want but being gentle and nice in sex doesn’t mean your a good person. That is the opposite of loyal.... I don’t even hate William honestly think I hate Noora more but the pro side always reaches so hard only people who reach more are the Jonas haters.

Oh, yes, I didn’t comment on that but the “loyal” definitely doesn’t apply.

I agree we should have gotten way more Vilde and Even content and way less Noora and William drama. I hated the way Vilde was portrayed(the comments she made about Sana to the Pepsi max girls and just some stuff she did/said we’re not cool and I didn’t like that it was kinda brushed aside)and don’t get me started on the lack of Even. He was(I’m assuming)a big part of her life, he was best friends with her brother and was probably around a lot and we just didn’t get the storyline they deserved.

*pours one out for the s4 we imagined during the hiatus*

Common trauma? Amazing how William knows Noora doesn't feel loved and left by her parents yet he shuts her out and leaves her after he's seen her having a panic attack when she can't breathe and says she feels as if she's going to die over something she isn't ready to share yet. And this is supposed to be a desirable relationship? At least they are attractive? But attractive white fuckboys have always gotten what they point at.

Yeahhhhhhhh, it really does make it harder to excuse what he does when he knows something is wrong and she’s actually pretty upfront with “there’s something I have to tell you but can’t yet”.

it's amazing how most 18/19 are decent at that age and you get to vote, drive and drink, but if you are a rich badboy you have a right to act however you want and people must forgive you in the end. since julie never made his bff chris be more than a second supporting character, why couldn't he be the huge asshole instead and wilhelm had to be torn with his loyalty? then I rmbr the blackmail date did so he missed defending his boys, tg s1 didn't say it was the date's fault he wasn't there! 😊

I don’t even mind that they started William out as an asshole, they just went too far with it imho and never pointed out “this behavior is wrong and we know it” and he never had to atone or redeem himself for what he did.

n8rhelm is supposed to be the classic hate to love story, there's a million movies but ive never seen one where the person is terrible to the love interest and manipulate them like this. also william is a really weak actor, don't know if that doesn't translate,all he have is his looks and glaring stares. he couldn't even deliver pretending to be a bad actor with niko there or when he tells nooea to be quick with the water. he has no timing or natrualness, only kisses and react n's great acting

I find Thomas Hayes to be... not a great actor but also not completely terrible? There’s some scenes I buy him (the marching band scene where he’s rolling his eyes I remember as good?) but he doesn’t bring a lot sometimes. idk.

thegirlnooneknows5 replied to your post “(1) ok I’m pro-noorhelm and arguing via ask is hard with a limit and I…”

And whenever Noora talks about his good qualities and whatnot, we never really get to see them. It’s all off screen. It would be easier to forgive him if we actually got to see his change, but ah well

☝ I think that would really improve things, tbh.

thegirlnooneknows5 replied to your post “the funniest argument to me used by noorh*lm stans in excusing his…”

It also perpetuates the idea that ‘no means convince me’ and that’s farked up

Ugh, yeah. That’s one of the more depressing undercurrents of s2.

daigina replied to your post “1)The truth is really in the eyes of the beholder , you guys don’t…”

I agree it’s a good move with William but it does nothing to resolve the major problem with him that season which is how he treated Noora with no discussion or explanation or apology at all. If that detail had been fitted into even a short discussion between the two over all of THAT in Williams clip that would have been soooo nice

Also that was such a tiny thing?? Like they didn’t even spare two seconds of dialogue on it, it’s barely there. If you need a magnifying glass to see character development, does it count?

Yeah, I liked that lawyer detail but it really was such a last minute, supplementary thing!

i still think julie had no idea what the fight was about in s4 or changed her mind when someone was coming back. we knew she rewrote and missed gullruten, several norwiegians reported on rumors at the time that she bearly had written the last episode when it was time for recording. she wrote the fan fave to have an unprovoked violent moments just in time to bring back the one who everyone complained had hit someone with a bottle. and how could yousef've been so wrong about what happened at bakka

oh god, let’s not even get started. it just makes me sad to think about how thrown together s4 wound up being.

Hi. Is it true that skam italia is using a white actress to play Sana, a muslim character?If so, it is wrong in so many levels, tbh!

I believe the actress is white and isn’t a muslim. And yeah, nagl.

I feel like that with skam france they have the intention to do a season 3 and want it to start in autumn to align with the original series. I’m not saying I agree or like this tactic but it seems to make the most sense of why. Sure the time span is short between 1 and 2 but it’s not the most unrealistic. The director said he went on this project because of season 3 especially so I guess that’s why I think it’s like this. It would be more odd for Lucas to move in to the flat during the year.

Oh god... sorry, not you, I’m just at the point where I really don’t like being reminded that season three will ever be remade anywhere.

#anon #replies #skam

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honestlyhaunteddinosaur · 6 years

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Perseverance

I’m not going to say that I’m okay. But I have okay days. I’m not going to tell someone it gets better without letting them know just how god damn hard it actually is. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t living my life the best I could. Everyday I try harder and harder. I am sixteen years old. My mother was an alcoholic. My dad was an abusive druggie who was never the same after serving in Iraq. I deal with a few eating disorders, along with being bipolar and depressed. I’ve witnessed more in my short lifetime than many dramatic fictitious tv shows.

I was manipulated into sexual relations with my half brother starting when I was 6 years old; And I’ve been dealing with the details ever since and just recently found out he did the same thing to my other sisters. My cousin, whom I trusted to keep me safe, pulled down my pants in the middle of the night and stole any remaining piece of privacy I had. He still keeps the disposable camera in his bedside table— locked away and when I spoke out about it No one. Believed. Me.

Ive been living from home to home since I was 11 years old. My childhood memories consisted of dumpster diving for food behind the local grocery store, hopping on trains but hiding when cops drove by, staying out until 6 am with my mom so she could drink and party while her 8 year old daughter (hi, that’s me) slept on a deflated pool floaty and used a dirty dish towel for a blanket— when I was suppose to be tucked in bed for school the next day. When I wasn’t ‘raving it up’ with my mom, I was making statements for the police officers that were always parked outside my door. One week my dad would be arrested. The next, it was my moms turn. It was a vicious cycle up until I was about 14.

I grew up with a girl who will always be so important to me. I basically lived at her house during the summer and maybe that wasn’t the best decision? Her and I got into some pretty bad situations. We stayed out all night with strangers— just whoever wanted to hang out. We got drunk every night and broke through her bedroom window at 7 am until finally her mom just got use to it and started letting us in and began asking us how the parties were and if we had fun. I was “just having fun”but everyone knew it was a cry for help.

I was in an inappropriate relationship with a 27 year old man— I was only 15. I used guys who fancied me for things I wanted. I never let anyone in— people weren’t allowed to hurt me anymore; I was the only one allowed to do any damage.

School started again. It was my sisters senior year and we were conjoined at the hip. I would leave my classes to hang out with her and the teachers just let it happen because they knew how much I needed her. They knew that I would get separation anxiety whenever the bell rang because that meant she was leaving me to go to her own class. They also knew that I wasn’t living with her (I was living with a classmate and his family.) Anyway, I walked into her class one day and someone started to catch my eye. He made sure to get my attention every single day. One day he would find any excuse to touch my hand. The next he would just tell me dumb jokes. At one point he literally started slow dancing with me in front of the entire class. He was staring right at me while I was shaking in my bones, staring at everyone else looking right at us. But finally I gave in. I just looked at our hands joined together and then at him and we kept dancing until our teacher cleared her throat for us to stop. Three months after getting to know each other we dated. He became my rock. He went through similar things as me and that felt safe. We’ve been together for a little over a year. We are renting our own home. We have our own beautiful cat. He helps me so much and I know I help him. I’m the only person he’s ever cared about and trusted besides his grandfather who recently passed away.

I’m not saying that you need a lover to be happy. I AM DEFINITELY NOT SAYING THAT BECAUSE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AGAINST IT. You make yourself happy. You fight for yourself. You learn for yourself.

I am just saying that letting a person in once in a while is a good thing. I still struggle with everyday battles. Because of my dad I cry and my body breaks down whenever my boyfriend raises his voice. I get anxiety whenever someone asks me to do something because it might not be done the way it should. And because of my mom I turn to alcohol for closure and suck at trusting people. But all of this has made me into the person I am today.

I am sixteen years old. I just enrolled for senior year. I have a 3.8 GPA. I have more friends who care about me now than in my entire life.

I believe in myself and I accept that I don’t need money or a big perfect family, or a stress-free life. I just need myself and perseverance. And hopefully after reading this you feel like there’s a little bit more hope or maybe feel a little less alone.

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yuyuhakushofangirl11 · 7 years

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My Thoughts on Body Positivity; The War Between Two Extremes

As a heavier set/plus size/fat woman, I’ve lived the vast majority of my life tipping scales from slightly to over my recommended weight. And as many people like myself I’ve experienced bullying because of this. Even before the internet was as huge as it was, and a hateful person could take your picture without your consent and turning it into a nasty meme that ruins your life and any potential for yourself in the future due to the internet being an IV to us at this point, people are still cruel. They’ll still cut you to the quick and actively hunt for blood and tears and won’t stop until you’re nothing. And then, the Body Positivity movement began. At first I admit, I was on board with it. At least in the beginning. Larger people have always been the butt of the joke, made to feel like monsters, caught in a constant struggle within ourselves. The movement told us something we’ve never heard of before; that we’re human. We don’t deserve to be treated the way we are. Now if the movement just kept to this, a means of encouraging larger people and easing a possible other worldview into the bullies who grew up into more vocal bullies then that would have been fine. But alas, as every movement on an internet platform, they drank from the SJW cool-aid. It turned from learning how to not be cruel to one’s self despite your weight into feeling superior because of it. Skinny Shaming, which was a rare phenomenon back in the day, came back into fashion. Encouraging unhealthy behaviors and ideas replaced the intent of self acceptance. And, perhaps most disturbing of all, the witch hunt that bled into a children’s program *coughSTEVENUNIVERSEcough* that, upon the notion of a teenage girl dared to draw a canonically larger character as skinny be placed upon a pier and baited into a suicide attempt. So, who’s right? The extreme ‘Right’ who insist that all people who range from barely touching the somewhat arbitrary Obesity side of the scale to the genuinely concerning portion are right? Or is it the extreme ‘Left’ who insist that they are righteous? That it is acceptable to harass others due to their being thin and live in the delusion that nothing a heavier person does to themselves has health ramifications? As with the age of extremes, the Middle Ground are suffocated and laughed at for ‘not being strongly convicted enough’(when in reality the Middle Ground is a perfectly legitimate stance to take). And this is where I have found myself after years of perpetual self hatred, instilled in me by the Right bullies as well as the Left bullies. And so, I would like to present some questions and answers either side have about the matter that will hopefully help someone. Why don’t fat people just try to loose weight? A: I present to you this counter question; what makes you think we haven’t tried? Most of us know we’re heavy, we know we’re fat, and that there are risks associated with that. Changing one’s eating habits/lifestyle is far more difficult than people give credit. Can’t they just stop eating? A: If you stop eating then your body would go into survival mode and completely ruin your metabolism, a key in weight loss. So no, we as human beings despite us being heavier NEED food to survive. Just. Like. You. I’m concerned for their well being. A: Be honest with yourself. Unless you are this person’s doctor or close family NO YOU ARE NOT. You may tell yourself you are, but this ‘I’m just so worried about your health’ is a loaded statement and a way to insert yourself and more than likely your insults into a person’s life without warranting. I’m encouraging them by not coddling them. It gives them motivation. A: No, it is in fact far more discouraging to have a person who is already in relative shape laughing and mocking a person who is actively trying to fix the problem. A heavier set person already has to deal with a possible addiction to food, health concerns, and undergoing the task of trying to do something about it. You screaming ‘fatty!’ at them is only pushing them towards a more comforting and just as harmful ideology. This being said, if you’re the same person who openly mocks a heavier set person at the gym for waddling on the treadmill then you have, and pardon my language, no right to bitch. You are part of the problem. Why do fat people need representation? A; Well, why do we? Perhaps if there is a character in media that shows people that heavier set people are human beings with thoughts and feelings, then maybe, just maybe, someone out there will see past the cellulite and learn to put their own feelings of disgust and superiority aside and treat them fairly. Why do fat people follow this Body Positivity crap? A: Most heavier set people go into the Body Positivity movement for very much the same reason I did. I hated myself and to an extent still do. Someone told me that I shouldn’t and that there was something beautiful in me. And I followed them. If you’ve been told your entire life you’re an ugly monster who deserves every single scrap of harassment and cruelty dished out to you, be honest. You’d follow that ideology in a heart beat. It doesn’t matter if the movement now is filled with extremists. If they’re being told by someone that they worth, they’ll follow after them. The key here is, if you’re one of the small fraction of people who actually worry about others, is to evaluate your own attitudes towards larger set people and ask yourself if you’ve given them a reason to fall prey to following a potentially harmful ideology. Fatness isn’t genetic. A: This is both true and false. Fat itself is not genetic. However, just as some people can be genetically predispositioned for certain health concerns such as mental health disorders and certain physical health concerns, larger set people may have a family history of being more prone to factors that increase the chance of weight gain. Low metabolism, glandular issues, depression/anxiety, and other factors are genetic. However, this isn’t the only reason certain people gain weight. It is something, however, to keep in mind. And on the other end of the spectrum... A fat person can be just as healthy as a skinny person. A: This is a difficult topic to cover. For some the added weight can put a person more at risk for dangerous diseases like heart disease and diabetes. These are genuine concerns. Extra weight can put pressure on joints and strain certain parts of the body. To ignore these is to deny reality. However, depending on how overweight and active a larger person is, weight could be their only concern. Some heavier set people who exercise have the same blood pressure and such as an average person. It is important to not disregard valid health concerns pertaining weight in leu of feeling good about one’s self. Fat is beautiful! Everyone should feel that way! A: Beauty, my friend, is in the eye of the beholder. There is beauty in everyone. This is a fact of nature. However, if a person does not find a heavier set person attractive that is no license to harass and belittle those who don’t find themselves attracted to that type of person. If you bully a skinny person then you’re no better than the bullies you hate. And ask yourself this; would you date a person if they were your size? If they had a trait some didn’t care for? If the answer is no congratulations. You’ve put yourself into another’s shoes. If a writer/artist doesn’t make fat characters then they are a fat shamer! A: No, they are not. First of all drawing/writing for a heavier set person is actually a daunting task even for someone of a larger size. Everyone’s life experience with weight is different. Do you truly expect a person, particularly one of average weight, to fully grasp that? Drawing a larger body type accurately is difficult for any stage of artist as well. And, as I’ve said many times before, artists and writers don’t owe you anything. They create to create. If you’ve an issue with that, create something yourself. So, is Body Positivity inherently bad? In my opinion it wasn’t intended to be. However, as with most movements on social media, it has become perverse and potentially harmful to others with its messages. Yes, we should encourage heavier set people. We should also keep in mind our own health and happiness. However, no matter what side of the body shaming coin you fall on remember this: FAT PEOPLE ARE HUMAN BEINGS. No more, no less. If you are a heavier person reading this, please understand that I am not attacking you. I don’t speak for everyone’s experience and don’t claim to do so. However, it is important that I say this much: Your weight does not define you. It is not what makes you ugly nor is it what makes you beautiful. Your personality, your soul, that is what you are. That is what makes you beautiful. Please, please remember that going forward. I realize no one is going to actually read this, but I figured I’d get this off my chest.

#sjw #anit sjw #body positive #fat shaming #journal #anit left #anti right #love #please actually read what I have to say and don't just look at the title and be an idiot

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