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dulaman-na-farraige · 7 months

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Talking to the wall here, but I've been thinking more about Nausicaa manga recently and specifically Kushana and the way she's portrayed in it. If you think that viewing the manga through queer lens is impossible just scroll past this and don't scream at me, I'm not making anyone read this or agree with me, I'm just writing down my thoughts

Anything gender related doesn't*really* get talked about in the manga (except for maybe hate towards women in Tolmekia?) but I've read many reviews/analyses regarding Nausicaa and Kushana and the way they're shown as female characters and different"feminine" traits they have, and while I don't really understand treating various personality traits as "masculine" or "feminine" I believe that we don't talk about Kushana's lifestyle literally challenging the way Tolmekian society treats gender norms enough. Just think about it. A princess born in a country where women are looked down on and not taken seriously, where they have 0 chances of gaining any power, commands an army and takes the throne. Not to mention that Kushana also had 3 elder brothers who were more than likely to become rulers of Tolmekia. She's also admired and respected or even feared by many people despite nearly being called "inferior" in the scene with her brother just because she was born a woman. What caught my attention however is that it's unusual to see a princess being given the same kind of upbringing as the princes. Kushana and her brothers were given military education and were expected to command armies, despite the fact that in many ways (gender, being the youngest in the family, not being a biological child to the emperor * according to one of the interpretations of 3 really confusing panels *, just to name a few) Kushana was not supposed to gain any political power at all. You could almost say that Kushana was treated as a prince, despite being a girl, which is exactly why I started writing this wall of text.

Kushana is everything men are supposed to be in this kind of *medieval-ish* society: a leader, a military commander, an excellent swordsman and rider, a talented tactician etc. even more so than her brothers who are never depicted doing anything she did . Sadly, the manga never mentions anything about how Kushana views her position and her responsibilities as well as the way she achieved her status. We never see how she views herself and her gender and how she's treated by her brothers (and probably other people as well). I believe that being female is not exactly comfortable for Kushana, given her rather abusive family.

It may not have been a conscious choice for her, but taking up a social role of a prince is what gave her the privileged position she had. Unlike Nausicaa who never really was limited to a certain type of social behavior dictated by the binary norms, Kushana had to behave according to these norms, but the manga does not explore that.

I'm entering headcanon territory at this point, just a warning for those of you who have read this far. Ever since I reread the manga for the 2nd/3? rd time I can't help viewing Kushana as a transmasc character. She doesn't necessarily present herself in this way fully (the clothing aspect mainly, which isn't explored either) but behavior-wise she definitely does. Her hair could also have been an aspect of presenting in a different way than her cis gender if her decision to cut it short was less impulsive. Obviously that's not the only way to interpret that, because being a butch lesbian also fits Kushana really well. Neither of these hcs have any confirmations and that's why both of them can be valid. Her backstory is a very interesting part of her character I wish more was said about it in the manga

#There should have been at least 2 paragraphs regarding Kushana's relationship with Nausicaa but it's the middle of the night atm and I'm too #tired to write that #Nausicaa manga and film are the classic example of media that was not intended to be gay #but ended up being pretty gay #Kushana's lesbian feelings are left out of the narrative and are rather vague if you ask me #everything related to that we've seen are just that one scene ™ and also a few gay staring panels #she's such a disaster lesbian UwU #the only nearly “open” case of anyone being queer tho funnily was Namulith who almost said he was bisexual #anyways bye #please stop being mad at me in anonymous asks #anybody can headcanon as much as one pleases #it's just my wild interpretation of the manga and I'm not saying that it's valid or that any other possible interpretations aren't

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multiplicity-positivity · 1 month

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Hi, I'm George, and I suppose I'm questioning whether or not I am a system. I'm not sure if this is the right place to come for this, but I saw some similar asks on the blog, and doing this myself has been very frustrating, so I figured I might as well try. So I occasionally have these very strange dissociative episodes, where I have these intense screaming arguments in my head with myself. I spent a long time thinking they were just auditory hallucinations, but I'm not so sure about that anymore. In the past year or so I've been under a lot of stress, and some of these arguments have turned into almost calm conversations where I actually start sorting problems out. I've noticed in these conversations I'm both an active and passive participant on both sides, if that makes sense. In addition to this, I often feel like I have multiple identities. I am an atheist, but I sometimes strongly feel I am part of religious groups that I have literally nothing to do with. I'm also transmasc nonbinary, but sometimes I get the idea that I should be transfem, which is always very confusing to me. I will occasionally refer to myself with we/us pronouns on accident, but other than that I've never had the common symptoms of plurality, like amnesia, or people I don't know knowing me, and I'm running out of other explanations. Again, I'm not sure if this is the right place to come, but I couldn't find a better place, and therapy isn't an option for me right now. I'm just not really sure what to do or where to go, so any resources or insight you might be able to offer would be a huge help. Thank you : )

Hiya, George! So we’ve got a few things we can say that might help you :3

Since it sounds like you’re questioning things right now, the best resource we can give you is our resource post for questioning systems! It has a ton of links to articles with info on a bunch of different kinds of systems and plurality. It’s a great place to start for anyone hoping to learn more about multiplicity! >w<

Honestly, we’re not going to be able to confirm or deny whether or not you’re plural… sorry about that! >_<” But! What we can say, is that amnesia is not a requirement for plurality! And as far as dissociative amnesia goes, it’s possible to experience it without really knowing that’s what’s going on! We’ll link a post we wrote on dissociative amnesia, too, in case that might help! :3

We’re not trying to deny or dictate your experience at all here!! Members of our own system didn’t really know or understand that we were experiencing amnesia before we knew about our system, so we thought it was worth it to bring this up >w<

In the mean time, while you’re still learning about yourself and whether or not you’re plural, we’d like to say that anyone who feels like the plural framework is good for them is welcome to use it. So you can definitely call yourself plural if you want, as you are! If you find out later that you’re not actually plural after all… no harm done! It’s okay to question, and it’s okay to be wrong, too :33

Um, one last thing we’ll include here, is a post we wrote on establishing contact with headmates. If you’re questioning whether or not the voices you hear in your mind are other system members, this post might help y’all begin to make connections!

Gosh, we hope that this response here will be useful for you in some way! No matter what you end up deciding or discovering about yourself, we’re wishing you the best of luck with everything!! :3

#long post #questioning system

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lavvys-headcanons · 2 years

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hey if you don't mind could I get an Undertale matchup?

I'm Transmasc

I'm bisexual

I often wear a hoodie and jeans.

I am in INFP and Cancer (Zodiac)

I really like drawing but I'm bad at it.

I'm 5'3.

I'm really shy, but if I am comfortable with you I can be loud and chaotic.

I'm really kind and love helping people!

I love jokes and tell them a lot

I laugh easily I like animals and being around them (including bugs!)

I also like reading from time to time.

I get cold easily.

I like watching Spongebob and Regular Show.

I have anxiety and social anxiety.

I have PTSD

I like to play games I prefer Animal Crossing, Pokemon or Rhythm games.

I really like Punk Pop, Pop or Rock music.

My favorite musical artists are, Mitski, Jack Stauber, Twenty-one Pilots, Hollywood Undead, Cavetown and Green Day

I listen to Lofi music to calm down

ᰔI Match You With Rus!ᰔ

He’s a very chill skeleton, for the most part, but has just a tad bit of anxiety.

Doesn’t matter what you wear, he thinks you literally look like a model in your hoodies.

He’ll even give you some of his jackets, especially since they’ll more than likely be big on you since he’s well over 6 ft. He also does this whenever you get cold!

If you wanted help on art, he’s an artist so he’s willing to give some tips to you!

He’s the same way with being a bit shy at first but then when he gets comfy around you, he gets chaotic aswell.

So by the time y’all are in a relationship, you’re both the chaotic duo we all love and want to be!

He thinks your kindness is the sweetest and cutest thing ever, hell if you wanted to volunteer at something like a charity event, he’ll come too.

Beware he will spend hours with you going back and forth with jokes to see who cracks first.

If you wanted to eventually wanted to get a pet, he’s then a papa to said pet, even if it’s a goldfish.

I have a feeling he’s terrified of bugs honestly.

You’ll be there picking up a tiny ladybug that got inside to put it outside and he’ll just be screaming tbh.

He doesn’t really read much but if you’re enjoying a book he’ll lounge around you meanwhile.

He’s a good listener atleast so if you wanted to rant to him about your books, he’ll listen and try to understand!

If you’re ever having mental breakdowns or panic attacks related to your anxieties or PTSD, he’ll do his best to get you away from any triggers and to calm you down.

He’ll do basically anything with you; watch your favorite shows, play multiplayer video games with you, listen to your music, everything!

No joke, he would get animal crossing just because you wanted to play multiplayer on it with him

ᰔI hope you enjoyed this! I thought he really fit with this. Have a lovely day, Nonny!ᰔ

Also, just a little note for matchups, I try to relate everything people send to me back to the character, so that determines the length of these!

#matchup #undertale x reader #swapfell papyrus x reader

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archivingqueerdesire · 1 year

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growing up AFAB, i had some sort of connection to masculinity that transcended "tomboyhood" which i couldn't explain at the time. i knew i liked boys and masculine people but always felt like it was in a different way than "other (straight) girls." i didnt really get it until i started watching and reading naruto, which was the first ever anime/manga i had ever watched/read. early on in the show, the two main characters (naruto and sasuke) accidentally kissed as a gag, but when i watched it i was like "........... i wanna be like them.........." and that was how i learned about "yaoi/BL (boys' love) " aka the japanese term for media featuring homosexual relationships between two men. i learned that shipping sasuke and naruto together was really popular (and honestly, the entire series is basically SasuNaru: the show even if the creator didnt specifically intend it to be that way, he's just misogynistic enough to make the only meaningful relationships between men only LOL) and that there was a lot of fanart featuring them together, and that there are a bunch of manga and ships out there that were yaoi too, and i found comfort in SasuNaru, BL media, and yaoi ships in the other shows i grew to like. thank you naruto for teaching me that i liked boys in a "boy way" HAHAHAHAH

n harmonia from pokemon black and white changed the trajectory of my life. i strongly believe that it was because of him that i am transmasc LMAO. i dont really know now what exactly about him made me want to be him so badly, but i remember when i was 11 i ended up making him my entire identity… i used him as a faceclaim on tumblr and saying he was literally me, i used his name as mine, and started using he/they pronouns for the first time. i also identified as agender at the time. something about him changed pokemon gays forever because i know im not the only one who was affected by him LOL

it got a bit more complicated in terms of gender identity when i realized that, although feeling like "boy" i didnt believe i was a "man" and didnt feel comfortable seeing myself as explicitly male. i found comfort in characters like haruhi fujioka from ouran high school host club and naoto shirogane from persona 4, who are both afab but gender nonconforming with more "boyish" looks and mannerisms rather than "manly" ones. their character arcs also specifically addressed gender and gender expression and opened up my mind to the idea of gender as a performance. they helped me realize i am nonbinary and that i could be both, neither, any, in between, whatever and that it both didnt have to matter and that it could be everything to be nothing or anything

the character archetype of “bishounen” aka “beautiful boy,” depicting men of androgynous/feminine beauty, also brought me a lot of clarity in terms of the way i felt transmasc. howl from howl’s moving castle, kurama from yu yu hakusho, kurapika from hunter x hunter, marth from fire emblem, and most importantly ciel phantomhive from black butler (who has been canonically depicted in drag multiple times) are characters that have made me scream “I WANT HIS GENDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR." they helped me realize that the way i wanted to be masculine and what masculinity meant to ME, regardless of what other people define as masculine, was different, and that i could express masculinity in a way that wasn’t typical

#Pokemon black and white #n harmonia #Marth #Fire emblem #black butler #howl's moving castle #howl #video games #anime #naruto #sasuke #persona 4 #host club #kurama #yu yu hakusho #kurapika #hunter x hunter #ciel phantomhive

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space-lynn · 3 years

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I’m back with another Unintentional Gods AU snippet! A big thank you to my friends (Fen and Marcus) for inspiring me to write this. Nash Viseriox and Q’ryxthec are OCs that belong to me. They’ll probably show up more in future snippets.

Just a little fyi, Sasha’s transmasc and transitioned when he was 19, and since the name Sasha is already unisex, no point in changing it. Enjoy reading!

@fermented-writers-block Sorry for the mention, thought you’d wanna see this :)

~~~~~

Perfect, everything had to be absolutely perfect for tonight. 22-year-old Sasha Waybright, ever the perfectionist, had to make sure his plans were perfect. It was his and his girlfriends’ anniversary and he had a special surprise waiting for them. He was excited and nervous as he flitted about, making sure nothing was amiss. Once he had finished his 294th inspection, he was satisfied.

“Excited for tonight?” a deep voice asked behind him, chuckling.

“Yes! And nervous,” the blond laughed, turning around to face Nash Viseriox, one of his celestial best friends and a fellow space god. “Thanks for helping me out with this.”

“No problem,” Nash said, looking around. “Love what you’ve done with the place.”

“You think they’ll like it?”

“Oh, they’ll love it.”

Sasha nervously pushed his thumbs together, eyes darting around the area, seeking out whatever thing could be out of place.

“Are the other gods actually fine with this?”

“Y’know they are, you’re not the first to start something like this and you won’t be the last. The three of you deserve a break, Sash. What better way than to give you all a day off on the day of your 6-year anniversary.”

An anxious but grateful smile made its way onto Sasha’s lips.

“Now, I’m no time god but shouldn’t you be heading back to get dressed?”

“Shit. Right! Thanks again, Nash.”

Another chuckle from the draconic god, “Go and have fun tonight.”

Sasha nodded, teleporting away.

-----

He arrived at the doorstep to their home and placed a hand on the doorknob. It glowed red at his touch, the magical mechanism within unlocking the door for him. He opened it and stepped in, calling out, “Hey, girls! I’m back!”

“Hey, Sashimi!” Marcy chirped.

“Hi, Sash!” Anne greeted.

He grinned, moving forward and wrapping his arms around them both, pressing a kiss on each girl’s forehead. They were both dressed up, Anne in a light blue sundress and white ballet flats and Marcy in a green blouse, a black pleated skirt and black flats. “Are you two ready for tonight?”

“Mhm,” Anne nodded. “Food’s all packed. Sorry if that’s my anniversary gift for the two of you.”

“That’s good enough for us, Anna-Banana.”

“Mar Mar is right, as always.”

“Well, I can’t wait to see what you two have in store.”

“Neither can I,” Sasha said.

“How do I not know your surprise? I’m literally a goddess of knowledge.”

Sasha smirked, “I’ve had some help. From certain gods who know a thing or two about keeping things from gods like you. Could you two wait outside? I need to change.”

“You look good enough like this,” Anne teased.

“Kind of sweaty and dressed in messy clothes? Yeah, no,” he snorted.

Marcy laughed, “Go ahead, Anne and I will wait.”

He gave both of his girlfriends kisses of thanks, and went upstairs to change into a red casual button down shirt, jeans and black chelsea boots. He traveled back down the stairs and to his girlfriends outside, fingers twitching as he summoned two pieces of cloth.

“Took you long enough,” Marcy said and he rolled his eyes.

He offered the cloth to them, looks of bewilderment on their faces.

“Blindfolds,” he said, as if that could answer their unsaid questions.

“Uh, Sash?” Anne asked, her hands fiddled with the boxes of food she held.

“Trust me,” he smiled reassuringly.

The girls looked at one another then nodded at him, taking the blindfolds from him. He held onto their food, willing them away to a safe space. Once his girlfriends’ eyes were covered, without them able to peek through, Sasha warned them before he teleported them to his surprise. It threw Anne and Marcy off but they patiently waited for Sasha as he said, “Hang on a second.”

Their boyfriend moved a few steps in front of them, grinning. “You can take them off.”

And they did, blinking their eyes. Anne and Marcy looked around with awe in their eyes.

“So? Do you like it?” Sasha asked, getting nervous.

“Holy shit, Sash,” Marcy whispered. “We love it.”

Anne nodded, a grin stretching her lips. “This is so fucking beautiful.”

God, he sure hoped it was. He’d spent months on this surprise, hoping his girls would like it.

With the help of certain gods, he’d created a small floating island in space, big enough for what he’d placed there and big enough for the three of them. There was a large tree to the side, a cherry blossom eternally in full bloom, flowers colored pink, blue and green. In front of it was a pond lined with rocks, lily pads floating about and koi fishes swimming within, their bodies made from condensed nebulae, their eyes, fins, whiskers and tail a bright white color. The water ran from the pond, creating a small stream to the edge and to a mini waterfall, disappearing into space. There were bookshelves lined in a semicircle opposite of the tree, filled with tomes, novels and other reading materials. There in the middle was a table with three chairs. In the center of the island was a blue-red-and-green picnic blanket, laid out and ready for them. There were wooden posts that surrounded the entire area, carrying lanterns that held starflies, celestial creatures born from supernovas that were pretty much like fireflies.

He watched as his girlfriends walked around, examining everything.

Marcy turned to him, one hand on the spines of the books, and asked, “How did you… do all this?”

“Had some help. The tree, the pond and the island, got to thank Fen for that. And to Marcus for this being a date night idea.”

“No wonder Fen was occupied in the last few months.” Anne shot him a look. “He was busy helping you out with” -- she motioned around them -- “this.”

“The next time I see Marcus, I’m giving him my thanks,” Marcy said. “And the books?”

“Q’ryxthec.”

“I did tell them my faves from other worlds.”

“And the koi and fireflies?” Anne knelt down by the pond, watching the koi fish swim.

“Nash helped me catch the starflies and I made the koi,” he said shyly. “Boy, did I fail a lot.”

“Well, they're gorgeous. Everything here is!”

For the hundredth time that day, a smile graced Sasha’s lips. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Thanks, I just wanted to make this night special.”

His girlfriends walked towards, lacing their fingers together. A few bouts of giggles escaped them.

“It’s special enough with you,” Marcy said softly.

The blond chuckled. He glanced at the two of them. With a snap of his fingers, their meal was on the blanket, already out of their boxes and on plates with utensils, still warm.

“Now how about we have some dinner?”

-----

After their meal, Marcy’s gifts -- matching necklaces made from a special metal from another planet with gems in their colors -- and a conversation underneath the stars, Anne stood up, stretching her legs and arms. Marcy followed suit, a sigh of contentment escaping her lips.

The goddess of knowledge smiled at Sasha. “This was a really awesome night Sashimi. Thank you.”

“I agree with Marshmallow,” Anne chirped, a giggle escaping her lips. “How long did this take you?”

Sasha grinned at them, “7 months, give or take.”

Marcy’s eyes widened, “Wow. All this effort” -- she motioned around them -- “for us?”

Anne’s smile softened, “You didn’t have to, you know?”

The space god stood up, taking both of his girlfriend’s hands in his. “I wanted to.”

“Dork,” Anne teased.

“Your one and only,” Sasha smirked.

They kissed him on the cheeks and he chuckled.

“There’s... still one more surprise I have for the two of you.”

The happy looks on their faces turned into confusion. It made Sasha gulp, hands sweating at what he was about to do.

“There’s more?” Anne asked, bewildered. Marcy was just as puzzled beside her.

The blond nodded. “Yes. We-We’ve been together for 6 years now, and it’s been the best 6 years of my life. Sure, there were a couple of hiccups in our relationship but we’ve been through them together. I love you both so much that I wouldn’t mind going through them with both of you for the rest of eternity.”

He then got down on one knee, timidly watching his two lovers’ eyes grow wide. He held his right hand out, two black rings materialising in his palm, both with glowing intricate carvings etched onto the surface. One in blue, the other in green.

“Anne Boonchuy and Marcy Wu, my sunshine and my moonlight,” -- Anne sniffled while Marcy choked back a sob -- “will you both do me the honor of becoming my wives?”

“YES!” they both screamed, tackling Sasha into the ground.

Anne nuzzled her cheek against her boyfriend’s-- no wait, her fiance’s cheek, saying, “Yes, yes, a million times yes!”

Marcy grabbed onto Sasha’s shirt, pressing kisses on one side of his face. She pulled back just a bit to say, “Always a yes.”

Sasha beamed brightly at them, sharing a kiss with the two of them and watched as Anne and Marcy shared a kiss with one another, a warm and fuzzy feeling blooming in his chest.

They decidedly snuggled up together to watch the stars above for a few more hours, happy and content on their little island. The future was looking bright for them, and they honestly couldn’t wait.

~~~~~

Just pure fluff. My face hurts so much from smiling when I wrote this. I hope all of you enjoyed reading this! Have a very nice morning, afternoon or evening! Until my next snippet~ :3

#amphibia #amphibia fanfic #fanfic snippet #sasha waybright #anne boonchuy #marcy wu #sashannarcy #unintentional gods au #transmasc sasha #original character #nash viseriox #q'ryxthec #marriage proposal #if I don't get this sort of date night #what's the point of living #fluff

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ohhedamylexa · 3 years

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lets try a character blurb y tf not --> be warned gratuitous swearing ahead scream/agree/disagree w/ me on discord @ luke skywalker's left udder#5324

bellatrix druella cygnus black lestrange

actually: bellatrix druella cygna back lestrange, legally and all.

doesn't give one shit what their mother actually named them, reinventing themselves every day.

"i'm so in the closet i built the thing" re: non-binary, gender-expressionism - transmasc identity. a tangled up literal knot of twisted internalized misogyny shoved down their throat from such a young age they chewed and swallowed.

empathetically stunted. straightforward to the point of pain - unable and unwilling to understand subtlety. sarcasm? nope i dont know her.

rodolphus has bi partner energy by default.

most definitely was that child that smushed ants/insects for curiosity as a kid. if the neighbors cat ever went missing, it wasn't them.

definitely a wine of the month club member.

the kind who would defy you just because. stubborn to the point of fault. big fault. bad habit of pushing boundaries too far.

has never really needed to care about people outside of family circles. is not good at it. blood is everything? no connection without it?

huge ego, rampant narcissist as a younger person. would probably hold things over on others just because they were most noble and ancient and absolutely ate that shit up. this has cooled, somewhat.

prison sux ok.

does not will not will never reach the boundaries of wanting to learn and find out and figure out how things tick. including self and brain and thoughts and feelings. could have been a mad scientist in another life - maybe is one in this life.

would not know what a fast food restaurant is.

very wildmagic aesthetic. wand/magic doesn't always listen brain goes buzz burrr buzz buzz sparky spark.

the bad kind of posh where it's difficult to function? how will they feed themselves as a fugitive? they don't know how to do anything? cold beans in a can it is i guess.

highly highly allergic to like 47000 things, thanks inbreeding. probably has the diet of an aristocratic four year old.

has wanted for so long to be the thing their father would have deemed acceptable they now can no longer separate that from their ideas of masculinity. both hates and wants everything

simultaneously feels so unable to be those things, bracketed between a ancient and noble most house that has never seen them as anything other than a brood mare to feed and fatten

the most underhanded gremlin you've ever seen. always been tall and weedy and wiry but scrappy as hell. has no qualms about honor and dignity in an fight.

bites fingernails to the quick.

all situations are a fight, and all fights are brawls to kill.

probably banned from dueling club

ideas about sexuality and gender further complicated and tangled in this endlessly burning, all encompassing physical need to be a parent.

totally the rich goth victorian aesthetic? bram stoker step aside

who needs lipstick when you've got wine stains

would be a doting but completely overbearing, suffocating, toxic parent

will literally do anything for acceptance? has pretty obvious and severe daddy issues.

what's the opposite of a boggart? their thing is bodysnatching sirius black, having literally everything they ever wanted.

andromeda does not exist. they do not mention, they do not think, they do not still seethe and sob about the abandonment on a weekly basis.

was about 92% prepared to flee the country pre-wedding. whether that mentality continued post wedding is tbd.

laur remind me i want to DM you and talk shop re: the lestranges

also alexx with bella's favorite sirius 'i have vivid fantasies of slitting his throat and stealing his body' black

and kayla with the ultimate worst best ex-sister.

#1987rp #i want to lean into the gritty parts of bellas character while also exploring sexuality and non-traditional gender expression.#non-binary/genderqueer =/= automatically a mentally ill/insane person #i'm trying to thread the needle. i'm mostly writing from my personal experience as a non-binary person and plan to liberally use TW tags #but also if things are squicky please just yell at me.#i want to do a really interesting character study of a bellatrix that is more than the woman in a mans world character that jk gave us #let's also be clear i don't want to write psychopath bellatrix.#i wrote these tags at 4:45 am #discord added later #it sometimes hates adding me to friends lists because of username spaces #so if that happens just yell via tumblr and i'll friend you

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honeyandbloodpoetry · 3 years

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Abuse and Gender Expression - Gender Thoughts Part Three

Huuuuuge trigger warnings for peer abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, religious abuse, a murder attempt and mentions of self harm, suicidal ideation and an eating disorder. 18+ talk of sexual activity also included. Discretion advised!

I feel like the first time I realized I needed to perform high femininity to be accepted was in sixth grade. I was slotted into a rotating elective class, and the first one was a careers class. That careers class was utter hell for me. Every single day, I was tormented by an entire classroom of about twenty of my peers. I was bullied, no, abused for being fat and ugly and weird. I was called a whore, and told the only way I could ever be loved was someone raping me. Things were thrown at me, I was shoved down and tripped. I was bullied for my special interest in Transformers. I was told I was so fat and ugly I should be killed and be made into meat and cheese and fed to starving people because that was my only worth. Every single day I was told I should kill myself in varying ways. And all of that is just a quick summary. It was intense and brutal abuse for an entire semester, and I distinctly remember a day where there was a literal pool of tears on my desk. I couldn’t understand. I reached out to the teacher for help, and genuinely can’t remember exactly what he said. All I know is that he simply watched, and sometimes even joined in with “jokes” of his own. This was also the year abuse from my mother amped up, and home was a warzone--we were constantly arguing, and she became a professional at gaslighting and poking and prodding me until I exploded so I could be blamed for fighting back. My father would vacantly stand by and remind me not to fight back. This was also the year I began to self harm as a way of release.

I remember thinking that if I looked more like the girls in my class, I wouldn’t be bullied so much. I was told I was ugly and unlovable, so I thought that if I performed more femininely, maybe I could be like those who tormented me and therefore not be a target. I thought there was something inherently wrong with the way I presented myself. I convinced my mother to take me to the store, and I bought wedge heels and gaudy jewelry I did not like to wear with my uniform--replacing my autobot necklace and sweatband. In another class I was teased for not shaving and for having ugly feet, so I learned to paint my nails, file my heels, and shave every bit of hair on my body--the echo of my father saying that since I grew pubic hair, I was now a woman and held accountable for all of my sins an echo on the cusp of my mind. I did everything in my power to be more pretty and girly. I used to be loud and rambunctious, and began to go silent and demure.

I remember walking up to the class in the new get-up that was certainly not me. I felt that I would be accepted but as I walked up...I fell flat on my ass. I couldn’t walk in the heels. They all pointed and laughed at me, and the abuse continued in even higher intensity. It was until the next semester that I fought back by throwing a desk at two of my abusers who followed me to the next rotating elective, screaming and snarling at them to leave me alone. Those two in particular stopped, but abuse from others continued for many years in many instances. I developed an eating disorder, continued self harming, and began to try and form femininity and “attractiveness” to the best of my ability. I added things like bows and kitty ears and flower crowns to my wardrobe--sure they were cute, and I did like them in a way, but it felt like putting on a costume or some sort of womanly obligation. It didn’t feel like me. Years later, I was told by someone I trusted that I was “too fat to wear pants”, which I internalized and began to only wear dresses--same thing with feeling like I was wearing a costume. I tried to be beautiful. I wanted to be butch, be myself, but I felt that if I was a cute and girly girl, demure and sweet, I wouldn’t be a target. I would be loved.

And so I locked myself away.

My relationship with my mother was a rocky one. She is definitely a sick and broken person, but I doubt she will ever get help. She swings between extremes, and I was always her doll and punching bag. She had a habit of pushing and pushing, finding all the littles holes in me that triggered autistic meltdowns and despair. She criticized everything about me, from my weight and height to my blaming me for how tangled my hair was. She entered me in sports and spelling bees with gentle but insisting prodding about how good I would be when I would rather be reading or playing, and when I got frustrated she would say it was my choice...when in reality I just wanted her approval. When I got older, and especially after my father killed himself, I began to fight back and question her authority though--sometimes violently. She didn’t like that, and was violent right back, and oftentimes first. I struggled my whole life with blaming myself for my outbursts and reactions, but through therapy I have learned I was a child being gaslit and abused, shown that violence was the only answer… And through therapy, I have learned to do better and grow. The worst instance of abuse was me having an autistic meltdown where I said that we should both just die and her response was to pull out a gun and point it at me--I collapsed down into our trash covered room (I was forced to share a bed with her) and pleaded with her to stop. She threatened to kill me and help me out since I was so suicidal, then turned the gun on herself and threatened to kill herself, in which I had to talk her down. When the gun was down, I fled in a flurry of tears and barely contained screams. It was truly the most horrible moment of my life, and I still struggle with the ptsd of that moment to this day. I was only fourteen.

All that background to say, my mother was extremely possessive of my body. She seemed to love to touch my breasts and butt, jerk me around, slap my butt, watch me get dressed. When I begged her to stop, she would tell me that she made that body and could do whatever she wanted to it. I found messages on her phone of her talking to guys about having sex with me and stealing my panties. She wouldn’t let me do my own hair because I couldn’t do it right. She wouldn’t let me bathe alone until I was over ten years old. I didn’t ever have my own room until I was 18 and shared it with my partner. She never let me play with my hair and kept a close eye on what I wore. This combined with my very religious Christian father, who said things like “if you know more song lyrics than bible verses when you die, you’ll go to hell” and the aforementioned accountability, along with things like letting me know he loved God more than me and always seeming to walk in while I was changing… I always felt owned by something. I never felt like my body or my identity belonged to me alone. And so it was extremely difficult to explore myself.

Sexual exploration became an outlet. I was asexual and didn’t possess sexual attraction or a desire for coital sex (still don’t), but I enjoyed kink play with my partner and playing with myself. I enjoyed porn, mostly stories. I always felt drawn to mlm porn, but never understood why. I saw myself in the big, fat men of the stories. I wished it could be me, wished I was a big hairy man like that. Wished I could be loved like that. Reading those types of erotica always got me off and made me feel relaxed and fulfilled, no matter what kink it regarded. Of course my mom would slutshame me without even knowing what I got up to, but sexual activity and pornography helped me find solace and ownership of my body. When I was aroused and taking care of myself, being taken care of, or taking care of someone else, I felt like I was finally in control of my body and my happiness. I had been sexually abused in different ways by different people throughout my life, and finding a certain safety and security in the kind of sexual activity I explored made me feel like...me. I found myself in those big men, but still didn’t make the connection that I was not cis.

It wasn’t until many years that I began to question my gender. First nonbinary, then agender, then genderfluid, then bigender, then nonbinary again, now finally transmasc. I am autistic and struggle with a resistance to change. I have struggled with shifting my name because it feels like a betrayal to become something new. So I have become Charis instead of Charissa...but I think I may be Myles instead. Since I have struggled with abuse and feeling owned my whole life, it is scary to take my self creation into my own hands. People I am close to have expressed concern and dislike for my transition--especially my mother. I came out to her two days ago over the phone when she guessed I was transgender--or “wanted a sex change” as she put it. She outed me to her anti-lgbt boyfriend without my consent, and now they want to have a discussion. She cried and told me it was too much and she couldn’t talk yet. I am still unsure of what to do about it. I know my mother is broken, and has come far from the cruelty she was once capable of--but she still swings. I see those shattered pieces and their sharp edges and know they have the ability to cut. It is terrifying.

Coming out, especially after so many years of abuse, has been absolutely terrifying and difficult. I am still navigating how to do it, especially with a name change. The clinic I am going to for hrt screwed up with their scheduling and had to reschedule me for later this month, a frustrating thing. I am looking forward to starting hrt, but also scared how people will treat me once those changes begin happening. Even with these fears and struggling with my interpersonal relationships...this is the greatest choice I have ever made. It is my truth and my freedom, and I will fight against that fear to become my most authentic self. I have an incredible partner by my side, and with their support and my own self love, I can do anything.

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trashno0dle · 4 years

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Sanders Sides TikTok AU

A random AU I thought of while scrolling through TikTok. The sides, in a human AU set in highschool where they each have their own TikTok accounts and that's how they meet, eventually realizing they all go to the same school and become friends.

Character Names/Ages/Info:

Patton Foster | 16 | Just your local gay dumbass teenager really, not exactly the usual sweet, innocent, warm Patton like canon, he's well- actually a teenager y'know? A real person- probably has a lot of issues- a friend of Remus and Roman's family so he already knows them at first.

Roman Prince | 17 | Dumbass himbo, Remus' older twin brother (by fourteen minutes) very gay, pretty much the same as he is in canon, big theater nerd.

Remus Prince | 17 | Chaotic dumbass, Roman's younger twin brother (by fourteen minutes), his whole personality screams danger but he's actually pretty sweet once you get to know him well. Loves likes to hang out with Patton all the time.

Janus Smith | 17 | Just your local self proclaimed Lord of the Lies, like Roman he adores theatre and aspires to be an actor. This is why Roman and Janus actually get along in this AU, except they don't really at first.

Virgil Storm | 16 | Nonbinary transmasc, kinda insecure but they still don't take bullshit from other people. They're close to canon Virgil except they're a lot more open and trusting with their friends. Especially Logan.

Logan Berry | 17/2 | Nonbinary, a freakin nerd and a total bookworm. Roman teases them a lot but they honestly don't care for it. They can get a joke and they do have a wild sense of humor, you just have to get them to open up first. Is close to their friends, especially with Virgil.

Now onto how they all met and their individual TikToks including the name and what content its based on.

Remus/Patton | sadcheerbois | Basically Patton at first started up his own individual TikTok for baking since that's a hobby of his and he uses it to calm down (he has anger issues okay? I stan feral Patton) so he was filming in Roman and Remus' kitchen one day when Remus flour pranked Patton and uploaded it. The video got a bunch of views so Patton decided to film one pranking him back. In the end they decided to co-own the account and base it around dumbass content and pranks.

Roman | gaydisneyprince | Roman's content covers a lot of theater and acting and of course Disney. He may say he's not a nerd but the fact that he knows just about everything when it comes to theater just proves that wrong.

Virgil | stormiknight | They post a lot of content to do with cosplays, LGBTQ+ and mental health issues. At times Logan makes an appearance when Virgil isn't up to making a video on their own.

Logan | croftersboi | Simple plain but they honestly couldn't care less about the name. They sometimes post book reviews but mainly stuff consisting of their addiction to crofters jam- their private is literally just full of memes- they swear they will take the secret of their private account to the grave.

Janus | jansasnekboi | He usually posts something about his pet snakes Lupin and Sirius (he totally isn't a Harry Potter stan, don't worry, they all hate JK Rowling, as far as the gangs concerned Daniel Radcliff both wrote the books and starred in the movies djsgsje), and he also posts about to do with theater too.

That's it for their accounts sjsgsjshw and the relationships of the AU are:

Intruality (Pat and Remus both have crushes on each other but are too afraid to tell. In the end they're the last pair to get together)

Roceit (fuck yeahhh Roceit stans rise, though I don't ship this much I still added in there because what's better than two theater loving dorks dating?

Analogical (I gave hints about this in the character info so yeah, how could I not? I'm a Virgil kinnie and my partner is a Logan kinnie and this is just our ship so how could I not add this in? I need to stop projecting onto characters-)

Aaaaaaand yeah. I can add more? On how they all meet but it's pretty basic. Roman, Patton and Remus already know each other since Patton is a close friend of the family. Let's just say Patton doesn't exactly like his home life and prefers to hang with the twins during the day. And the rest? They basically run into each other at school and recognize each other from the videos and become fast friends. That's it. The end. I was considering making this some sort of ask blog but to be honest it depends if people actually like this idea which they probably won't.

#sanders sides #sanders sides au #patton sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #janus sanders #analogical #roceit #intruality

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lawisnotmocked · 5 years

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I Read Sky Without Stars! Here’s A Review!

I’ve mentioned it a few times before on this blog, but Sky Without Stars is a YA sci-fi retelling of Les Mis that I’ve been (very slowly ^^’) reading since it came out earlier this year. Anyway I finally finished it the other day so it’s once again Time For Sirius’ Opinions!

In short, SWS is basically the authors’ les mis space au fanfic, and I’ve read better les mis fanfic, but it’s pretty good uwu

The story follows three main characters, Chatine/Theo (space Eponine), Marcellus (space Marius) and Alouette (you guessed it, space Cosette). It’s a revolution love triangle book, and the beginning of the first book is mostly world building, but the story starts to pick up the further along you go.

There’s lots of les mis references in the story (brick and musical) which were fun to pick up on and Myriel, Valjean, Javert, Azelma, Gavroche, Thenardier, Mme. Thenardier, Gillenormand, Claquesous and Gueulemer all have their space au counterparts.

All in all, I enjoyed it and it was good enough, and like I said I’ve read better fanfic and if it sounds like something you might be interested it I’d definitely give it a try! That said, the second book in the series Between Burning Worlds comes out next year and I’m absolutely buying it and also singlehandedly running the SWS fandom because oops I’m attached to these dumbass characters now!

Anyway, I’m going to do a longer review under the cut with spoilers so join me for more screaming if you wish uwu

Alright so here are some thoughts in some kind of order!

- The first thing I noticed about the writing was that there’s random French words scattered throughout dialogue and it kind of threw me off and interrupted the flow of the story before I got used to it happening. I was listening to the audiobook for most of it instead of physically reading it because I’m illiterate which may have impacted this but it still felt kind of weird. All the characters also have French names but it’s also cannon that the Vangarde write in English and Alouette’s nickname is literally ‘Lark’ in English so???? I’m choosing to headcanon this as a weird French/English hybrid language that’s evolved on Laterre but also it was weird!

- Chatine/Theo is transmasc because I said so fuck you

- I find heteronormative love triangles an annoying trope and I wish the authors had taken the opportunities that were there at multiple points in the story to add queer elements but they didn’t so f I guess!

- That said Alouette and Marcellus are really cute when they first meet and Chatine/Theo realising she was in love with Marcellus was cute too ;w;

- ‘Alouette you’re so fucking stupid’ I say, loving and treasuring her

- Like I said before, the story does start out kind of slow but really picks up as you go on and gets more engaging once the major worldbuilding is out of the way

- Apparently the events of the book take place over the course of only one week? That threw me off at the end because I thought it was more like a month ^^’

- There’s ANIMAL SYMBOLISM which is EXCELLENT because we all know that’s my hyperfixation ;,3 To quote some of my favourites, the Thenardier family name is Renard, a reference to Thenardier’s brick fox symbolism, lots of lark symbolism for Alouette (I mean, her name is literally lark in French so :,3), the upper classes refer to the lower classes as ‘fret rats’ (the frets being the place they live), and Hugo’s wolf = criminality metaphor is also referred to. Valjean and Javert also have their own animal symbolism but I’ll talk about that in a minute uwu

- For the amis fans who might be interested, there’s currently no space au amis characters, but there is a chance there will be in the sequel since the synopsis talks about a new militant revolutionary group emerging

- For the valvert fans who make up most of my follower count, this next part is for you uwu

- I’m just gonna do a whole analysis of space au Javert’s character now so skip this bullet point if you’re not interested in this ^^’ Javert’s character is called Inspector Limier and he’s the cyborg head of the Laterre police force who has circuits in his face that flash when he feels things and I love him. His name is probably my favourite part of animal symbolism in this book because ‘Limier’ translates to both a bloodhound or a police detective did I mention I have a hyperfixation? He rightfully has lots of dog symbolism but my favourite is going to have to be when he was described as the patriarche’s hunting dog and the funniest was when he sniffed Marcellus like a scenthound :,3 Initially I was worried about him being a cyborg because we have Many Issues With Javert Characters Being Mischaracterised but his characterisation was actually pretty good throughout most of the story. He was a sassy bastard yet respectful of authority, driven, dedicated, and absolutely fucking feral. There was a part near the end of the book that I didn’t like where the authors clearly tried to make a musical reference by having him literally say ‘I am the law’, but in the context of him being above the law and the whole piece of dialogue was contradictory and like,,,, anti-javert. They didn’t go so far that they can’t bring him back to a Javerty character again if he’s in the sequel, but it was still frustrating after I’d liked his character the whole way through.

- Valjean time! The first name we’re introduced to him as is Hugo Taureau which is dumb and I adore it :,3 Hugo is clearly a Vicky H reference and Taureau is his animal symbolism (bulls!) and basically animal symbolism names Good. Also his real name is Jean LeGrand :,3 He’s an escaped convict who ran off with his adoptive daughter and now lives in a space au convent. His characterisation is good and solid and Valjeany for the majority of the time and the authors even did me a solid by describing how thick his thighs are uwu We also get Some Goddamn Communication Between Him And Alouette Thank You Bless You Authors at the end of the book! Which was good and nice! Thank you for my space au fix it fic!

- Yes there are a few homoerotic moments between Jean and Limier where Limier is described as a hunting dog yes there should have been more

- At the end of the book Jean runs away to Reichenstat (a nearby planet) and Limier,,,, runs off in the woods I think? :,3 Anyway it’s kind of left open as to whether they’re going to be in the sequel or not, which I hope they are because they’re the characters I cared about most dsdsdds

I could probably say more about this but I think that covers everything important uwu

Please feel free to share your own opinions if you’ve read or are reading sws I’d love to hear them!!

#Sky Without Stars #les miserables #les mis #javert #jean valjean #cosette #eponine #marius #monsters of our making #building a brick wall

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