#physically spiritually emotionally healed from last episode

[misty-caligula]

helloooo love yj was emotionally destroyed by latest ep but needed your take on the fact that 1) no one seemed to really react to last episodes beating? like there were some snide remarks at Shauna but otherwise hardly anything. Like I was feeling some residue anger towards her and her violence and I thought there *might* be some suggestion to sacrifice her instead. And secondly 2) how did they all get on the same page about killing through cards? Again I don't need them to discuss the steps or anything but just...some protests some dealing with the darkness of the matter....

1)

Lottie has SO much power over them at this point. Last week there was an interview with Courtney Eaton where she said that even thought Lott's on the brink of death here the other jackets still speak for her, and I think they really got this across (especially the way they keep cutting to her laying there, alone, like she's somehow following along with events she's not there for, and others are saying what she'd say, especially when Van says the wilderness chose Javi).

Nat says to Coach that if Lott did die it wouldn't be such a bad thing because of how much she's messed them all up, how heavily she's gotten into their heads. And she's completely right. The reality is that when Lott told Shauna to let it out, she wasn't just giving her permission, she was giving her an ORDER and nobody in the cabin was going to go against it. Shauna's not really held responsible for her actions, because it wasn't her choice, it was Lottie's.

Finally, Lott told her to do it because she said "We NEED you." If they'd have said "We should kill YOU to save Lottie" then they'd be abandoning everything that Lott had suffered for in the first place. They'd be saying that Lottie was wrong for getting Shauna to beat her in the first place.

2)

I think that the setup was there in terms of the way that Melissa and Gen had been talking in s2e7 about eating Kristen if they found her, Misty and Kristen had talked in s2e3 about enjoying eating Jackie, that Shauna had herself said it wasn't the worst thing, that Lottie had agreed that it was a good thing that they'd done, that they've been starving constantly ever since, that Ben's brought it up multiple times, that it's had to have been just CONSTANTLY on all of their minds.

I don't think that it's a taboo that you can break without it haunting you, and without it just... remaining in the back of your mind for the rest of your life. It'd fundamentally change the way that you look at other human beings, as potential food sources not just people. And moreover, it had SAVED them. And now they're starving, again. And they're not incorrect in that Lott's immune system is collapsing, her ability to heal from such damage is practically zero without food. In very brutal terms, she needs protein to repair.

(the actual medical reality of long term malnutrition is far more complex than that, but in the logic of the show, a solid meal will absolutely help)

And when we're talking about human sacrifice I think there's two aspects of it. The first is that they're talking spiritual. The Wilderness sees them, and helps them. If they give the Wilderness a life, maybe it'll give them one.

(Lottie herself said it doesn't work like this, but she's out of commission right now, and her grip on how it works isn't strong anyway, so in her absence this is 100% a thing they can grab onto)

The other aspect is pragmatic. A physical sacrifice of meat, of nutrients IS useful. But more than that... to the cult Lottie is the MOST important of them, the one they cannot live without, period. Van said "I can't imagine being here without her." And Lottie's already said that if she dies they should eat HER. She's already opened this can of worms, already sacrificed her own body, in theory. So they're not... so much attacking each other, as they are all volunteering to take her place on the chopping block, all for her sake (AND for the sake of each other, with the shared understanding that without Lottie they'll probably all die). Publicly acknowledging they're less important than her they're willing to sacrifice themselves for the whole.

See we're used to human sacrifice being this thing where you take someone ELSE and you kill them, for the sake of getting what you want. This is something else. This is taking YOURSELF, and sacrificing YOURSELF for a thing that's more important to you than your own life. To them... they think it's honourable, an act of love, not cruelty, or selfishness.

If it hadn't been Nat who got the queen, I doubt they would've put up any amount of fight. Because Nat's the only one at this point not really on board. Like, if it'd been Mari, she'd have probably cried or something but she'd not have argued, and nobody would've stepped in on her behalf.

The cards are just... a system they already had. If they had straws they'd have used those. They were already dividing up chores with the cards, it makes sense in their little world to use cards as a fair and random system. None of them WANT to die, none of them WANT to do the killing, they just see it as... another unpleasant thing that has to happen.

Which as a sidenote makes me think about the necklace. Jackie gave it to Shauna as an act of love and protection. Shauna gave it back as an act of love and protection. She took it back from Jackie's corpse in the same way. We're so used to seeing it as an ominous thing, but I think that when she put it on Nat it was meant in the same way, as a sign of ... this isn't personal, not malicious. It's love, it's hope that on the other side you're okay.

#yellowjackets #spoilers #asked and answered #Thanks anon for the Q

[uncoveringtherealphoenix]

This is my life story and experiences I have endured from birth that have affected me emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, sexually, and financially. I share my real and raw truth because it is necessary for healing and also to help me uncover the real and true me. I also share my story because someone needs to read this to gain their power in uncovering their true self. We wear many masks as spiritual beings having this human experience and our masks started from the time we were conceived in the womb and the feelings and emotions our mothers carried and passed down to us. My hope is that my story helps to transform and create true healing for anyone reading this. 

Check out my podcast Overcoming Trauma and Living Authentically

#rebirth #shadow work #new beginnings #true self

[rebexquest]

You feel in this place of cold stillness, of death and vacancy... a warm breeze that smells sweet...

and then there were nine and I sobbed like a baby

#critical role #critical role spoilers #critical role fanart #cr 140 #mollymauk tealeaf #caduceus clay #the wildmother #the mighty nein #cgk draws #physically spiritually emotionally healed from last episode #and so #so dehydrated #y'all ever cry for an hour straight because ahhh

[be-gay-do-heists]

hello yall :) the holy month of elul started last night, which is typically a time for contemplation, so since it is impossible for me to stop thinking about leverage, i decided to write an essay. hope anyone interested in reading it enjoys, and that it makes at least a little sense!! spoilers for leverage redemption

-----

Leverage, Judaism, and “Doing the Work”: An Essay for Elul

When it comes to Elul and the approaching High Holidays, Leverage might seem like an odd topic to meditate on.

The TNT crime drama that ran from 2008-2012, and which released a new season this summer following its renewal, centers on a group of found-family thieves who help the victims of corporations and oligarchs (sometimes based on real-world examples), using wacky heists and cons to bring down the rich and powerful. In one episode, the team’s clients want to reclaim their father’s prized Glimt piece that had been stolen in the Shoah and never returned, but aside from this and the throwaway lines and jokes standard for most mainstream television, there’s not a ton textually Jewish about Leverage. However, despite this, I have found that the show has strong resonance among Jewish fans, and lots of potential for analysis along Jewish themes. This tends to focus on one character in particular: the group’s brilliant, pop culture-savvy, and personable hacker, Alec Hardison, played by the phenomenally talented Aldis Hodge.

I can’t remember when or where I first encountered a reading of Hardison as Jewish, but not only is this a somewhat popular interpretation, it doesn’t feel like that much of a leap. In the show itself, Hardison has a couple of the aforementioned throwaway lines that potentially point to him being Jewish, even if they’re only in service of that moment’s grift. It’s hard to point to what exactly makes reading Hardison as Jewish feel so natural. My first guess is the easy way Hardison fits into the traditional paradigms of Jewish masculinity explored by scholars such as Daniel Boyarin (2). Most of the time, the hacker is not portrayed as athletic or physical; he is usually the foil to the team’s more physically-adept characters like fighter Eliot, or thief Parker. Indeed, Hardison’s strength is mental, expressed not only through his computer wizardry but his passions for science, technology, music, popular media, as well as his studious research into whatever scenario the group might come up against. In spite of his self-identification as a “geek,” Hardison is nevertheless confident, emotionally sensitive, and secure in his masculinity. I would argue he is representative of the traditional Jewish masculine ideal, originating in the rabbinic period and solidified in medieval Europe, of the dedicated and thoughtful scholar (3). Another reason for popular readings of Hardison as Jewish may be the desire for more representation of Jews of color. Although mainstream American Jewish institutions are beginning to recognize the incredible diversity of Jews in the United States (4), and popular figures such as Tiffany Haddish are amplifying the experiences of non-white Jews, it is still difficult to find Jews of color represented in popular media. For those eager to see this kind of representation, then, interpreting Hardison, a black man who places himself tangential to Jewishness, in this way is a tempting avenue.

Regardless, all of the above remains fan interpretation, and there was little in the text of the show that seriously tied Judaism into Hardison’s identity. At least, until we got this beautiful speech from Hardison in the very first episode of the renewed show, directed at the character of Harry Wilson, a former corporate lawyer looking to atone for the injustice he was partner to throughout his career:

“In the Jewish faith, repentance, redemption, is a process. You can’t make restitution and then promise to change. You have to change first. Do the work, Harry. Then and only then can you begin to ask for forgiveness. [...] So this… this isn’t the win. It’s the start, Harry.”

I was floored to hear this speech, and thrilled that it explained the reboot’s title, Leverage: Redemption. Although not mentioned by its Hebrew name, teshuvah forms the whole basis for the new season. Teshuvah is the concept of repentance or atonement for the sins one has committed. Stemming from the root shuv/shuva, it carries the literal sense of “return.” In a spiritual context, this usually means a return to G-d, of finding one’s way back to holiness and by extension good favor in the eyes of the Divine. But equally important is restoring one’s relationships with fellow humans by repairing any hurt one has caused over the past year. This is of special significance in the holy month of Elul, leading into Rosh haShanah, the Yamim Noraim, and Yom Kippur, but one can undertake a journey of redemption at any point in time. That teshuvah is a journey is a vital message for Harry to hear; one job, one reparative act isn’t enough to overturn years of being on the wrong side of justice, to his chagrin. As the season progresses, we get to watch his path of teshuvah unfold, with all its frustrations and consequences. Harry grows into his role as a fixer, not only someone who can find jobs and marks for the team, but fixes what he has broken or harmed.

So why was Hardison the one to make this speech?

I do maintain that it does provide a stronger textual basis for reading Hardison as Jewish by implication (though the brief on-screen explanation for why he knows about teshuvah, that his foster-parent Nana raised a multi-faith household, is important in its own merit, and meshes well with his character traits of empathy and understanding for diverse experiences). However, beyond this, Hardison isn’t exactly an archetypical model for teshuvah. In the original series, he was the youngest character of the main ensemble, a hacking prodigy in the start of his adult career, with few mistakes or slights against others under his belt. In one flashback we see that his possibly first crime was stealing from the Bank of Iceland to pay off his Nana’s medical bills, and that his other early hacking exploits were in the service of fulfilling personal desires, with only those who could afford to pay the bill as targets. Indeed, in the middle of his speech, Hardison points to Eliot, the character with the most violent and gritty past who views his work with the Leverage team as atonement, for a prime example of ongoing teshuvah. So while no one is perfect and everyone has a reason for doing teshuvah, this question of why Hardison is the one to give this series-defining speech inspired me to look at his character choices and behavior, and see how they resonate with a different but interrelated Jewish principle, that of tikkun olam. 

Tikkun olam is literally translated as “repairing the world,” and can take many different forms, such as protecting the rights of vulnerable people in society, or giving tzedakah (5). In modern times, tikkun olam is often the rallying cry for Jewish social activists, particularly among environmentalists for whom literally restoring the health of the natural world is the key goal. Teshuvah and tikkun olam are intertwined (the former is the latter performed at an interpersonal level) and both hold a sense of fixing or repairing, but tikkun olam really revolves around a person feeling called to address an injustice that they may have not had a personal hand in creating. Hardison’s sense of a universal scale of justice which he has the power to help right on a global level and his newfound drive to do humanitarian work, picked up sometime after the end of the original series, make tikkun olam a central value for his character. This is why we get this nice bit of dialogue from Eliot to Hardison in the second episode of the reboot, when the latter’s outside efforts to organize international aid start distracting him from his work with the team: “Is [humanitarian work] a side gig? In our line of work, you’re one of the best. But in that line of work… you’re the only one, man.” The character who most exemplifies teshuvah reminds Hardison of his amazing ability to effect change for the better on a huge stage, to do some effective tikkun olam. It’s this acknowledgement of where Hardison can do the most good that prompts the character’s absence for the remainder of the episodes released thus far, turning his side gig into his main gig.

With this in mind, it will be interesting to see where Hardison’s arc for this season goes. Separated from the rest of the team, the hacker still has remarkable power to change the world, because it is, after all, the “age of the geek.” However, he is still one person. For all that both teshuvah and tikkun olam are individual responsibilities and require individual decision-making and effort, the latter especially relies on collective work to actually make things happen. Hardison leaving is better than trying to do humanitarian work and Leverage at the same time, but there’s only so long he can be the “only one” in the field before burning out. I’m reminded of one of the most famous (for good reason) maxims in Judaism:

It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you free to neglect it. (6)

Elul is traditionally a time for introspection and heeding the calls to repentance. After a year where it’s never been easier to feel powerless and drained by everything going on around us, I think it’s worth taking the time to examine what kind of work we are capable of in our own lives. Maybe it’s fixing the very recent and tangible hurts we’ve left behind, like Harry. Maybe it’s the little changes for the better that we make every day, motivated by our sense of responsibility, like Eliot. And maybe it’s the grueling challenge of major social change, like Hardison. And if any of this work gets too much, who can we fall back on for support and healing? Determining what needs repair, working on our own scale and where our efforts are most helpful, and thereby contributing to justice in realistic ways means that we can start the new year fresh, having contemplated in holiday fashion how we can be better agents in the world.

Shana tovah u’metukah and ketivah tovah to all (7), and may the work we do in the coming year be for good!

------

(1) Disclaimer: everybody’s fandom experiences are different, and this is just what I’ve picked up on in my short time watching and enjoying this show with others.

(2) See, for example, the introduction and first chapter of Boyarin’s book Unheroic Conduct: The Rise of Heterosexuality and the Invention of the Jewish Man (I especially recommend at least this portion if you are interested in queer theory and Judaic studies). There he explores the development of Jewish masculinity in direct opposition to Christian masculine standards.

(3) I might even go so far as to place Hardison well within the Jewish masculine ideal of Edelkayt, gentle and studious nobility (although I would hesitate to call him timid, another trait associated with Edelkayt). Boyarin explains that this scholarly, non-athletic model of man did not carry negative associations in the historical Jewish mindset, but was rather the height of attractiveness (Boyarin, 2, 51).

(4) Jews of color make up 20% of American Jews, according to statistics from Be’chol Lashon, and this number is projected to increase as American demographics continue to change: https://globaljews.org/about/mission/. 

(5) Tzedakah is commonly known as righteous charity. According to traditional authority Maimonides, it should be given anonymously and without embarrassment to the person in need, generous, and designed to help the recipient become self-sufficient.

(6) Rabbi Tarfon, Pirkei Avot, 2:16

(7) “A good and sweet year” and “a good inscription [in the Book of Life]”

#leverage #miko speaks #jewish stuff #jumblr #leverage redemption #spoilers #lr spoilers #leverage redemption spoilers #written for a non leverage audience because i want my rabbi to read it alskdjflaksdjf #elul

[mageofseven]

This is part two! Satan and Asmo's parts are below the cut. Enjoy~

Part 1 | Part 3

~

Satan:

MC had a lot of stomach aches with the nausea. Even when she wasn't puking, her days were spent with this twisted feeling in her stomach.

From month three on, it turned into some bad cramping. It made no sense to the couple, but a heating pad and some cuddles usually helped her.

By month five, it was something so much worse. It evolved into episodes of MC hugging her stomach and screaming in pain. The woman was terrified when it first happened, crying as she thought she was losing her baby.

That wasn't what was happening though, evident to her boyfriend as he noticed bruises forming on her stomach during these episodes.

Satan didn't fully understand what was happening, but believed it wasn't what MC thought.

There was nothing he could do but hold her close and try comforting her through the pain. The episode lasted a little less than an hour and most of her stomach was left black and blue with bruises.

The demon mixed some magical ingredients together in order to make a cream to heal most of her bruises. As he rubbed it over her belly, he softly explained how it was going to help her current issue and that he was going to read up on what he can do to prevent another episode. The woman sniffled, but nodded.

None of his books really told him how to prevent such a thing however. Instead, it gave him directions on how to figure out the direct cause of such episodes.

The blonde ends up drawing a rune around her navel, which according to the book, should gather the data needed. After another episode, that is. He didn't want his Kitten to have to go through such an experience again, but it seemed that it was the only option.

For better or worse, the couple didn't have to wait long; MC had another episode later that evening. Once again, he held her close as she screamed and cried in his arms. This time, the rune glowed, signaling that it was collecting data.

After another hour of this, the pain stopped and her belly was riddled with bruises once again.

Satan didn't let go yet; he just continued to hold her close and kiss her face as her cries softened. When she was calmer, he gave one final kiss to her forehead before getting up from the bed and lifting her shirt.

He laid his hand on her belly, right over the rune, and his green eyes glowed as he absorbed the magical energy that transported the knowledge to him.

This... was not the answer he suspected, but somehow the demon felt he should have known.

The baby was fine physically, but emotionally was a different issue.

MC's body wasn't absorbing the dark energy needed for their baby's soul fast enough, causing their child to... well, get angry.

The Avatar of Wrath's baby inherited his anger issues and was essentially punishing their mother for something out of her control.

The blonde scowled. His Kitten had been writhing in pain for two hours today because their child decided to throw a tantrum inside of her?

"Satan?"

The demon took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He cannot lose his temper now; not when MC needs him.

"Just a minute."

He let himself focus on his breathing, calming himself before opening his eyes and meeting his girlfriend's.

"I'm sorry, Kitten." He sighed. "It's... the baby seems to be having a hard time at the moment."

The man explains the issue to her and the woman's eyes went wide.

"So it's my fault?" She asked. "I'm not giving our baby the energy it needs fast enough?"

"No, Kitten." Satan sat back down next to her. "This isn't your fault; your body is just on the slow side with the absorption. It just needs time to catch up."

The man's mind went back to the conversation the two of them had months ago, back when they discovered that this pregnancy could be dangerous for her.

MC had said that she wanted to risk it no matter what... but maybe now that she knows what she'll have to endure for now on, maybe she'll change her mind?

"Kitten..." He called out to her slowly, grabbing her hand. "Now that you've experienced this... do you still want to go through with it?"

The woman tensed up.

"... What do you mean?"

"You don't have to have this baby. If it's too much for you, we can--"

"No." MC pushed away from him and sat with her back pressed to the window.

He watched her for a moment before sighing.

"I'm sorry. I won't bring it up again."

The two sat in silence for a while. Neither moved, neither spoke. Finally, MC did.

"Do you... not want our baby?"

She finally asked the question that had taken up space in her brain for months. All of this time, Satan had been sweet to her and taken care of her well... but never did he express any attachment to their child.

Whenever she spoke about them before that day, Satan would always stop what he was doing and speak in a careful, neutral tone. It got the point that she was afraid to even speak about the baby to him at all.

The demon pursed his lips. The truth... was that he didn't think he did. His interactions with children have been limited and what he did never inspired any paternal instincts in him.

However, he couldn't tell MC this, not when this child was obviously so important to her.

"I want to do what makes you happy." He said carefully. "And... I'm rather unsure about how I'll be as a father, but I'm willing to try for you."

Another moment of silence hung in the air.

"A...Are you scared?" She asked softly.

"I... don't know." He answered truthfully.

In all honesty, emotions were a difficult thing for the Avatar of Wrath to understand. Maybe it was because of how he was born, but labeling and identifying his emotions was quite a chore for him.

Anger, he understood well, and because of MC, happiness wasn't such a foreign feeling to him either, but everything else was... quite challenging to understand within him.

MC crawled over to his side of the bed. Satan didn't hesitate to pull her onto his lap. The two sat there, tightly embracing one another.

"It'll gonna be okay." The woman whispered. "We can make it through this; the three of us will be happy."

Oh Kitten. Here she was, comforting him when things looked so dark for herself. He pulled back just enough to give her a sweet kiss.

From there after, Satan looked up what he could do to help his Kitten with her episodes. They really didn't have a lot of options. Most potions that his books recommended weren't entirely human-safe and he wasn't about to make such a gamble with her.

There was one thing they could try though. The man raised an eyebrow when he read it.

"What is it?"

The blonde looked up at his girlfriend.

"The book suggests that I could... talk to our child."

The woman blushed.

"So... you'd be talking to my belly during those episodes?"

He sighed.

"It appears so."

He was a bit awkward with it, but he tried it during her next episode. And it actually worked.

What lasted about an hour for both sessions before this only lasted a little less than ten minutes.

The man was quite surprised, but still comforted his Kitten before putting his hand on the rune.

It... his child felt a sense of peace and comfort at his voice. It was hard to understand fully what his child was feeling, but it seemed as if under all their anger was another core emotion: fear.

Their child was scared and felt comforted by his voice.

Something in him shifted at this news. He... wanted to protect his child from the fear in their heart.

And so, his stance on this pregnancy had changed dramatically. Everything he did was for his girlfriend and their child.

The couple had cute moments where Satan would gently lay his ear on her belly and listen to the baby's little movements.

He'd talk to them even outside of the episodes, telling them that they were safe and loved, causing the episodes to happen less often

And when one would spring up, he was no longer all that awkward with soothing his child, except during the first time he had to do it around his brothers (it happened at dinner time and scared his brothers half to death to see MC in pain, but later they teased him, saying they didn't know he could speak so tenderly).

Satan didn't know if he could be a good father... but acknowledged that now was the time to try.

Good End:

The remaining months were mostly uneventful for the couple. MC was a bit overdue so her body could catch up on the spiritual energy absorption, but only by about two weeks. She was sore and uncomfortable, but still in positive spirits. Satan was as well, but it would be a lie to say there wasn't some anxiety mixed in there. When his girlfriend finally went into labor, he was very calm and dependable.

About seven hours later, MC was holding their daughter. She had her Daddy's blonde hair and Mama's eyes, even the beginning of a pair of horns, just like Satan's. The man was lost in the preciousness of his daughter. When asked if he wanted to hold her however, he declined. He... didn't want to risk hurting her.

"It's okay." MC cajoled. "I know you're a lot more gentle than you think. Plus, this is how you two bond."

The demon pursed his lips, but nodded. He carefully took his daughter from MC and held her close.

"Hello, Amelie." He used her name. "It's okay now; you're safe."

Bad End:

The labor took too much out of MC. Their baby's head was stuck inside of her and upon further inspection, they found out she was being cut on the inside by their child's horns. She was losing too much blood.

"Satan... get them out... please." After hours of screaming in pain, his girlfriend's voice was hoarse. "Save them..."

The woman's head fell to the side and the man started panicking. He called out to her as he checked if she was breathing. But she wasn't. Her last breath was used to beg him for their child's life.

Tears fell from the man's eyes, but he only gave himself a moment of this before wiping his tears on his sleeve and heading back down below. Knowing that he didn't have to worry about causing her pain anymore, he reached in and carefully pulled out the baby. Her insides were getting cut up more, but it no longer mattered.

He collapsed on the floor with his daughter now in his arms. As the two cried together, the demon didn't realised at first that he transformed, but suddenly felt the need to wail from the very core of his being. And he did. And he preceded trash his room. Knocking over book piles, snapping the wooden bookshelves, even break his window.

He was stopped by Lucifer. He didn't even realize when the older demon came in, but there he stood with a hand on his shoulder. And that's when he heard it. His daughter's panicked sobs from within his arms.

He had frightened her. His daughter was just born and the first thing he did was scare her. After all those moments he spoke to her while she was inside her mother, after telling her over and over again that he would keep her safe, he was the very first danger she perceived in this world.

The fourth brother collapsed into Lucifer's arms, surprising the older demon. He still held the blonde tightly though and let him cry.

Two years passed. Not a single day went by when Satan didn't think of MC. Every milestone their daughter hit, the man couldn't help thinking of MC and how she should be there to see it.

One day while Satan was in the library, he heard commotion coming from out in the living room. He had left Amelie in Asmo's care so he could have some reading time by himself, but somehow it escalated into something.

He rushed to find the one of the stands broken at their legs and the china cabinet's glass shattered. And Lucifer restraining an angry Amelie. One look at the scene told him everything he needed to know. This was her first destructive tantrum. Asmo couldn't handle it so he roped in Lucifer, who was restraining his daughter in the exact same way that he used to restrain Satan when he was a child. And that set the man off.

Satan remembered being in the exact position as his daughter and knew how frightening it was to have a big man screaming in your face while restraining you. The blonde transformed and launched himself at his older brother. Hand against Lucifer's throat, but more in warning than in attack, then said

"Not. My. Daughter."

The blonde looked straight into the older man's eyes as he said it. He let his words set in for a minute before letting go and scooping up his sobbing daughter from the floor. He carried Amelie off to her room, the very room that was once her mother's.

The Avatar of Wrath learned the true meaning of his title, thanks to his daughter. Years ago when MC carried her, Satan learned that underneath all of her anger was pain and fear. Through this, he learned the same for himself. Satan was created by the anger Lucifer felt at his Father's decisions and his sister leaving his life the way she did. He was so overwhelmed by it all though he never looked close enough to see the real emotions that he was feeling. Pain and fear. The first brother just wanted to get rid of it all now. Because of that, Satan never knew before what his anger really was. But now he does and that was what his daughter taught him.

"Shh, it's okay, Kitten." He soothed his daughter, using the same nickname that he used to give her mother. "Daddy's here. No one's going to hurt you."

Asmodeus:

Starting during the beginning of her second trimester, MC was... difficult to be around

It seemed as if every little thing the Avatar of Lust said just set her off, either with anger or tears or both.

Wanting to avoid conflict and the stress of such interactions, the man started to avoid her

Eventually his brothers started guilt tripping him for it though because without Asmo, the human was a lonely mess and it was hard for them to watch.

Why should he be around her though if he always seemed to upset her?

This lasted a couple weeks.

He couldn't stand being around his brothers anymore either so he left the house as often as possible.

One night, he came back late from a party. He headed to his room and found that MC was still awake, crying in bed at 2am.

"Doll?"

He heard a few sniffles, but otherwise received no answer.

Hearing her cry broke his heart; that was part of why he had been avoiding her.

In this moment though... he realized that he couldn't keep doing this. He promised that he would take care of his Dolly... but look at what he's been doing.

The man got in bed and pulled his girlfriend to his chest.

"Y-You don't love me." She said in a shaky voice.

"Doll, you know that's not true--"

"Then why do you abandon me?"

The woman cried into his chest. His heart ached at the sound as he rubbed her back.

"I don't know how to help." He admitted. "And... it makes me so sad to know that I can't help my Dolly."

The fifth brother starts giving her little kisses, starting from her neck and working up to her jaw till his lips were at her ear.

"You know I would kiss away your pain if I could." He whispered.

"I know."

The woman pulled back and laid a hand on his cheek.

"For now... just don't leave me. Please."

And so he didn't. As difficult as it was, the demon stayed by her side. Even when she burst into tears. Even when she'd snap at him over minor things or things that was not his fault to begin with, he stuck by her. MC tried her best to remind him how much she appreciated that.

It was the start of her fifth month when things started to get more complicated.

The two were in their room. Asmo was giving his Doll a back massage, trying to get her to relax after a day of feeling sore and tense.

"Moooommmy."

The woman jumped. Her boyfriend frowned.

"Are you hurting there, Doll?" He asked, wondering that last spot her rubbed was too sore for her.

"Didn't you hear that?" She asked, staring towards the door where she heard the voice.

Asmo continued to rub her back, focusing more near her shoulders now.

"No, but it was probably just one of my brothers." He stopped to lay a kiss on her shoulder. "Don't be so jumpy; you're fine, Honey."

The woman didn't say a thing, just tried to forget the voice that she swore she heard. But she couldn't.

Later that night, the woman was having trouble sleeping. It seemed like all her baby did was stretch and kick inside of her, waking her up if she so much as dozed off for a second.

"Mooommmy."

She heard the voice again, but this time it was accompanied by a knock on her door. MC froze. Another knock. She looked over to her sleeping boyfriend before slowly leaving his arms and their bed as she approached the door.

She slowly opened it before finding a boy in the hallway. He had four little black wings and two horns just like Asmo's, but eyes that were eerily similar to MC's.

"Mommy, I can't sleep... let's go play!"

And with that, the boy started running down the hallway.

"W-Wait!"

The woman chased after the child and had to do a hard turn for the stairs, causing her to lose her balance and trip.

Luckily, Satan was right there to catch her.

Before the man even spoke, MC started telling him about the child running around House of Lamentation.

Satan raised his eyebrows at her.

"MC... there is no child in House of Lamentation." He told her. "And if he was running down the stairs, I would have seen him pass me."

MC just stared at him. How could he not have seen the boy? He--

"Mommy, are you okay?" The little boy asked her, standing right next to her and Satan now.

The woman pointed down at the child, eyes wide.

"He's right there! Satan, please tell me you see him."

The blonde looked down at where the human pointed, but merely saw the wall next to them.

"...MC, I think you need some sleep."

The woman gripped his arm.

"Satan. Please. He's right there." The woman pleaded. "He has Asmo's wings and horns and he... calls me Mommy. Please believe me."

The demon's eyes widened.

"In that case... please come to my room."

The fourth brother led her down the hall. Just as he opened his door, Asmo called down to her.

"Doll! Now what are you doing awake?" He didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her. "Is your anxiety acting up again?"

"Asmo, you come inside as well." Satan spoke up before MC could.

"Eh? Why?" The Avatar of Lust raised an eyebrow, but still followed him into the room.

Satan never answered, just had MC sit down on his bed as he searched through various stacks of books. Asmo sat next to his girlfriend.

"Hey, I don't know what the issue is, but you'll be okay." He told his girlfriend before laying his hand on her belly. The baby kicked underneath his hand and the man smiled. "See? Our baby thinks so too~"

"I like it when Daddy pays attention to me."

Suddenly the little boy was in front of them, smiling.

In that moment, it truly became undeniable who he was.

MC started crying as she stared at the boy.

"Doll?" Asmo laid a hand on her cheek. "Honey, please look at me; its okay."

The little boy stepped back as Satan approached with the correct book, opened to the page he needed.

"Okay, now I need you to lift up your shirt." He told her.

"Aww, Satan!" His brother grinned. "I know MC is beautiful but--"

"I just need to draw a rune on her stomach, Asmo." The blonde sighed, too tired to deal with him.

"Just... please wait a minute, okay?" MC told her boyfriend before lifting her shirt.

Satan drew a rune around her navel. Upon completion, it glowed. The blonde raised an eyebrow at that before laying his hand over the rune.

His eyes glowed. The room was quiet for a full minute before he lifted his hand.

"Well, I now know you weren't wrong before." The blonde admitted. "You really were seeing a child. Your own, in fact."

"Huh??" The fifth brother looked to his girlfriend. "What did I miss?"

The little boy poked around the blonde demon to look at her.

"Azzy..." The woman kept her eyes on the child, but still spoke to her boyfriend. "I see our son. Right in front of me."

MC explained what happened while he was asleep. Her boyfriend gave a huge grin.

"Oh my devil, you can see him?? You're so lucky!"

At that the woman smiled back. It was all a bit unnerving, but... yeah, she was.

Tears started falling from her eyes, but they were happy tears.

Asmo leaned in and kissed each one away.

"What does he look like? Tell me, Doll." He asked sweetly.

"He... he has your wavy hair, but it's my color." She sniffled. "He has my eyes too, but also your wings and horns... he's beautiful."

Her son smiled at her as she said that. She reached out to touch him, but was stopped by Satan.

"He's not really there, MC." Satan spoke up. "You're child is merely using a vision of himself that you built in your head to project himself in front of you."

She lowered her hand.

"But... why?"

Satan sighed.

"I'm afraid his motivations are out of my realm of knowledge. However, this is one of the more dangerous symptoms for demonic pregnancies that you could get."

"Wait... how?"

"MC, you almost fell down the stairs." He reminded her. "Your connection and worry for your child almost led you to getting hurt. This child has yet to actually experience this world and doesn't realize all the ways it can lead you to hurt yourself or even to your death."

"I wouldn't hurt Mommy!" Her son came closer to hug her leg and the woman swore that she could feel it.

"He wouldn't hurt me." MC spoke up for her son.

"Maybe not purposefully," The blonde explained. "But it's too ignorant about it's surroundings. You need to focus on where you're going and what you are doing more to make up for it."

The forth brother looked to Asmo.

"You need to watch out for her. The last thing we need is this child leading her into some lake to drown or something like that."

The fifth brother was quiet.

"Azzy?" MC called out to him.

Asmo plastered on a smile.

"Right, right, sorry."

The fifth brother was worried, but kept a close eye on MC during the following months. There were a few close calls. That day they went out shopping and MC found herself following their son to a harsher part of the Devildom. The time he caught her trying to climb out the window because she saw their son on the roof. The time she chased their son out to the forest behind House of Lamentation and almost got attacked by some of the dark wildlife. And many more events

It all scared the man. He cried more than a handful of times because he just barely made it in time to save her. At the same time, he wasn't mad at her though; he knew that she was compelled so strongly to follow their son when he showed up. The woman simply couldn't help it.

By the end of her pregnancy, Asmo was more stressed than he has ever been. His skin even broke out from all of the stress he felt and the man acted like it was the death of him.

Good End:

The day MC told him that her water broke, this man was relieved.

"Like, finally! Get out here before I start losing my hair too!" He joked. Or well, half-joked.

His girlfriend laughed at his words, before another pain hit her. Asmo gave her his hand to squeezed. During the whole labor, he gave her little kisses on her face and all the positive affirmations she needed; always telling her how well she doing and how close their son was to being in the world thanks to her.

Five hours later, crying filled the room as their son was finally pushed out into the world. Just as MC had originally saw, the baby had her hair and eye color, but his dad's wings and horns.

Asmo stared at this beautiful woman of his, holding his equally beautiful child, and the man couldn't help but cry. He remembered all those months ago, back when they found out she was pregnant, how thrilled he was for this baby... and how his heart sank later on when he found out the pregnancy might be dangerous for her.

"Doll... do you really have to do this?" He smiled at her, but it was filled with just as much anxiety as he felt. "We don't have to risk it; we can still be happy without any children."

"I can't believe I'm hearing this right now. What happened to the man from hours ago that was so happy for our baby that he was near tears?"

Asmo reached out to her, but she shook him off.

"Azzy... I need this baby. Please accept that."

Now, all he could think was the fact that this moment was only a reality because of her. Because MC decided to fight for this, fight for their son, even when Asmo himself was too afraid to.

"Azzy? Hey..." MC adjusted her hold on their son before reaching out and wiping a tear from his cheek. "It's okay. Everything worked out."

Asmo smiled before leaning in to give her a sweet kiss then give a gentle one to the top of their son's head.

"I know. And it's all because of you, Doll." He said sweetly. "Thank you for fighting for him even when I was too scared to. He's beautiful. Just as beautiful as you said."

The two end up naming their son Liam.

Bad End:

"You're not listening to me!" MC screamed at her boyfriend.

"Oh honey, it's hard not to listen when you're fucking yelling."

The woman pushed past him and ran out of the room, crying. Asmo leaned against the wall and gave a deep groan. Even after all this time, he really wasn't good at handling these moments. He knew it wasn't his girlfriend's fault that she was so moody. Pregnancy in general tends to make women a bit hormonal, but she had it so much harder because it was his kid she was pregnant with. Satan once told him it was a side effect related to him or rather, with Lust Demons in general. He and his kind could be very dramatic and he knew it, but never did he truly see it as a bad thing until now.

The demon knew he had to be more patient with his Dolly. I mean, it wasn't her fault she was so moody all of the time; it was his. That fact didn't make it any easier to deal with though. The man stood there, debating how long he should wait before going after her. On one hand, he really felt that she needed to cool down. On the other, he knew he had to keep an eye on her in case their son takes her somewhere he shouldn't.

The man decided to give her another couple minutes, for both her nerves and his own. After about five minutes, he sighed and went upstairs to their bedroom to check on her.

"Doll?" He said through the door. "Dolly, I'm sorry. Can we talk please?"

No answer. Asmo opened the door to discover their room to be empty. His eyes widened. She always goes to their room after a fight. So where is she? The man started checking everywhere in the house and I mean everywhere. When she never turned up, he tried calling her phone. No answer. Freaking out, the demon called Lucifer, who answered on the 11th ring because he was in a meeting with Diavolo. When the first brother heard his brother's plight however, his annoyance shifted to worry. Lucifer excused himself from the meeting and rushed home.

The Avatar of Pride ended up using tracking magic to locate MC. They found her out in the forest behind House of Lamentation. At least... what was left of her. The poor woman was attacked by a Chiropteran, a giant, almost orcish like creature with bat wings. Their baby didn't survive either.

Asmo grabbed a hold of her body and sobbed heavily. She's gone... MC was gone, their baby was gone... all because he lost his patience with her. It was his fault. He lost the woman who tried to give him everything, even a child despite the dangers to herself, because he couldn't handle her being just a bit moody.

The Avatar of Lust spent weeks in his room, shutting himself away more than even Levi. Then one day, he came out and acted as if none of it happened. He refused to talk about MC or their son or even acknowledge that ever existed. He started going to parties again and sleeping with succubi and living life with his old "Me Me Me" mentality again, like before he and MC dated. And he never got close to anyone ever again. Because that was what he thought was safest for himself and others. After all, the one time he tried to take care of someone that wasn't himself, they died and now he cannot even bring himself to say their name.

~

Part 1 | Part 3

#obey me #obey me otome #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me pregnant mc #obey me next gen

[franniebanana]

CQL Rewatch - Ep 19

Wow, Wei Wuxian looks so rough here. He’s spent some time under the knife (with no anesthetic), and then after that, he has just been waiting around for Jiang Cheng. It’s been seven days since Jiang Cheng went up that mountain. And of course Wei Wuxian is worried about him. What if something happened on his way down the mountain? What if he’d been captured or killed by the Wens? All the while, he’s basically defenseless here in Yiling (iirc). He’s sweating profusely, clutching at his middle—it’s possible he’s even suffering from an infection due to the transfer surgery. Seriously, the poor guy!

I love the visuals here: all these cloaked figures just filling this tea house, and not another soul in there other than the waiters. It’s both comical and heartbreaking the way that Wei Wuxian tries to immediately nope out of there, because he knows it’s a trap right away. Even with his Golden Core, I don’t know if he could have escaped them all—there were too many Wens, including the Core-Melting Hand. This part always really gets to me, because it truly is the first death of Wei Wuxian. It’s the death of who he once was: that smart, quirky, rascal of a youth, who made a very honest oath that essentially guided him to this point.

No joke, the first time I watched this, I was like, “Is that Lotus Pier? How tf did he get there?! How much did they change the story?!” And then a few seconds later, I realized this was a super sad dream/vision that Jiang Cheng was having and I channeled all my anger into sadness. This part is also super depressing. He has this vision of this happy family: his mother laughing, his father kissing his hand, just the picture of love. But it’s so far from what he had growing up, and you just realize that his greatest desire was really to have that happy family. But his parents are dead, he’s lost just about everyone at Lotus Pier—it’s so heartbreaking.

God, he just looks so broken! I’m sad now.

So even though I know the cost of Jiang Cheng’s happiness is Wei Wuxian giving up his own Golden Core, I still feel so happy here, seeing Jiang Cheng feeling like himself again. It’s because Wei Wuxian knows Jiang Cheng’s heart truly that he could offer up his own future so that Jiang Cheng could have a better one. I also just love this shot of Jiang Cheng kowtowing to the Immortal One, thanking her for healing him, and the camera pans past him, showcasing the beautiful scenery again. And then he walks down the mountain path with such a spring in his step! I love it!

I love that Wei Wuxian is still able to use his mind and play to their weaknesses. Wang Lingjao is extremely superstitious and fearful of the supernatural, and just the idea that he could haunt them scares the shit out of her. It’s just very cool to me that with all the abuse he endures, he still maintains a clear head and is able to fight back with his wit. This is yet another reason why I get annoyed when I see Wei Wuxian characterized as an idiot or someone who isn’t very smart. He proves his wit in just about every scene, so I don’t know why he gets this reputation in fanon. I feel like it’s derived from some overused yaoi/shojo trope where the “girl” has to be less smart than the “guy.” I don’t know how many things I’ve watched and read with a scatterbrained (but not charming) female lead—it’s overused.

This is so cool, because Wei Wuxian is scared out of his mind—he’s terrified of being left to die in the Burial Mounds. He’s heard all the stories: people don’t return, their souls get torn apart, etc. But what is cool is that he turns everything around and makes this place his source of power. He’s the man who conquered the Burial Mounds. It’s very satisfying to see that. FYI, I’m not going to talk about how he falls for like 20 minutes.

But I do think it’s really cool how the dark spirits catch him (and that’s all I’ll say).

This part still gives me major chills: you hear so many people calling out Wei Wuxian’s name, and then a “Wei Ying” breaks through. My breath always catches in my throat the first time I hear it. And then you hear it again, and the other voices have faded away before you hear it a third time. And that all feels nice until the screaming starts, which is hard to listen to, let alone hard to watch Wei Wuxian go through the mental turmoil.

Lan Wangji is back, bitches! He’s got a new title, a new headdress, and he’s hotter than ever. Jokes aside, though, this entrance is beyond epic. Other than that tiny glimpse of him in the last episode, it’s been ages since we’ve seen him, and it’s so satisfying that we get this great entrance, walking up this enormous staircase. Obviously by this point, I’m ecstatic to see him (it’s been way too long). Everything about this scene is great, from his entrance, to the way he uses his guqin as a spiritual tool, to the way he and Jiang Cheng are now a team. I don’t think there’s an awful lot of comradery there, but they have a common goal: find Wei Wuxian.

So we’re not really used to seeing a ton of emotion from Lan Wangji. Even when he’s annoyed, he doesn’t tend to show it. But, man, he is pissed here. Because of the magic of fiction, he’s probably heard the Wens’ conversation as he was walking up the stairs, so he heard them mocking Wei Wuxian (and the Yunmeng Jiang Sect), and he is not happy about it. He even uses the Chord Assassination Technique right off the bat against at least two of the Wen soldiers. Lan Wangji means business, and he’s not leaving until he gets what he wants.

The other great thing is that he doesn’t even need to come up all the way. He defeats them at a distance, while he’s still on the stairs. And the power and respect he commands is so great that they all know him by his face.

What Wen Chao does here is so relatable. His girlfriend is freaking out, having nightmares, convinced Wei Wuxian is going to turn into a ferocious ghost and haunt them until they lose their minds, and he, of course, rationalizes: they’ve sent so many people to the Burial Mounds and none of them have ever come back. In other words, “You’re being ridiculous.” But when he turns away from her, you can see the fear in his own eyes. When something spooky happens, my first step is always to rationalize—there’s a logical explanation for most things, right? And it always makes you feel better to rationalize it to someone else, but when you’re alone and thinking, your mind starts to wonder, your imagination starts to go wild. It’s easy to psyche yourself up in the dark and quiet of the night.

There’s this really gorgeous cello version of “Wuji” playing during this scene—it’s so beautiful, so moving, hitting me right in the feels. The look on Lan Wangji’s face when Jiang Cheng is telling him about how he and Wei Wuxian were supposed to meet in Yiling, how he thought Wei Wuxian had abandoned him to meet up with Lan Wangji in Lanling—he looks so defeated there. Defeated despite taking down the Qishan Indoctrination Bureau. Defeated because he hasn’t found who he’s been searching for. And then he holds Suibian so tenderly and lovingly—I’m emotional, okay?

It’s really cute and heartwarming to see Jin Zixuan starting to fall for Jiang Yanli. We’ve known for quite some time how Yanli feels for him, so it’s quite satisfying to see his walls come down as he starts to care more and more about her. He becomes protective of her. When she gasps at the hanging head at the gates of Qinghe, his instinct is to hold her—of course, he stops himself, but it’s very obvious that he wants to comfort her physically (and not in a dirty way, get your minds out of the gutter).

I love the dichotomy here: on one end, you have Jin Zixuan asking Lan Wangji where Wei Wuxian is, while you have Jiang Yanli echoing that on the other end with Jiang Cheng. Jiang Cheng can’t answer—he’s crying, trembling, emotionally responding to his sister without speaking. And Lan Wangji can’t speak either. His lips part, but no words come out. Again, you get this great sense of defeat from him—he’s completely at a loss, but he can’t or chooses not to show those emotions.

It’s also interesting how they kind of clipped the reunion between the Yunmeng Jiang siblings in favor of showing the conversation between Jin Zixuan and Lan Wangji. In my opinion, it’s to remind us of the reunion that isn’t happening right now—the one that should have been—the one between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian. And why isn’t it happening? The conversation reminds us that he’s still missing. I don’t doubt the importance of the Yunmeng Jiang siblings in this story—they are obviously instrumental to the plot and to Wei Wuxian—but it’s choices like this where the writers/scene directors remind us that the relationship to focus on is the one between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji, and not Jiang Cheng, holds onto Suibian, the only remaining item that is most spiritually connected to Wei Wuxian. Isn’t that interesting?

“A-Cheng, you’ve grown up. As your sister, there’s nothing I can do but worry about you.” Such a wise line—such a sad line. This really brings out how powerless she feels in the lives of her brothers. She’s a bystander, she has no influence. All she can do is watch and worry, and nothing either of them says or does will change that. It’s something we as parents and caretakers and guardians at some point have to admit: we can’t control our children’s lives, we can’t control those we take care of. Once they reach a point in their lives, it’s them who has to make their own decisions. They must thrive on their own, they must fail on their own. And all we can do is watch and worry and hope for the best. God, Yanli breaks my heart.

Me in bed when I watch a scary movie any time of the day.

She does crazy so well, though.

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |

#cql #the untamed #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #jiang cheng #jiang yanli #jin zixuan #wen chao #wang lingjiao #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #cql rewatch #ep19

[marcia-elena]

Eddie Begins - 3x15 meta

There's something about Eddie Begins that stood out to me but that I haven't seen anyone talk about yet. And that's how much birth imagery this episode had.

The episode literally starts with a birth--Christopher's--and Shannon pushing hard to bring her baby into the world. Eddie's there with her to welcome their son, and while he's not the first one to hold the baby he gets to cut the umbilical cord, an action that's required for Christopher to become a whole separate person; while he stills needs to be cared for, he's no longer physically connected to his mother. Eddie will 'cut the cord' twice more in the course of the episode, once literally and once figuratively.

The story shifts then to the rescue of a little boy who fell into a narrow well pipe and got stuck, and that immediately brings to mind the circumstances of Christopher's birth, who got stuck in the birth canal during labor--and yes, we don't see that happen in this episode, but I choose to view that omittance not as a continuity error but simply as having happened before the opening scene starts.

A tunnel is drilled parallel to the well pipe so the 118 can try to reach the trapped boy, Hayden, and Eddie volunteers for the task. Bobby tells him he has thirty minutes to find and free the boy, because the heavy rains they're under are making the tunnel walls unstable and flooding the underground system. Eddie is lowered into the tunnel and he finds Hayden, but there are unforeseen complications, and just as he's getting the boy out his team starts bringing him back up because the time he had is over, and he loses his grip on Hayden. Eddie doesn't want to leave Hayden to drown, so he cuts the line and slides all the way to the bottom, and now he's also stuck down there.

This is the literal cutting of the cord; in this instance, Eddie does it knowing beyond any doubt that his team will do everything in their power to help him and Hayden out of the trouble they're in. He trusts them with his life. In contrast, there's the flashback where Eddie's parents are urging him to relinquish custody of Christopher to them. Instead of showing pride in Eddie's efforts to provide for his son, instead of offering assistance, they try to make him feel guilty for not having been present in Christopher's life before. And it's here that Eddie cuts the cord in a figurative sense, by choosing to take Christopher to LA with him, away from his parents and whatever support system he'd had until then. He's freeing himself from them, following his own instincts. And it's in LA, with the 118 (and most specifically, Buck) that Eddie will find the kind of faith and support and unconditional love that his blood family failed to show him.

Underground, Eddie manages to pull Hayden all the way out of the well pipe, again mirroring a birth, and after Chim comes down to check on Eddie he takes Hayden with him back to the surface, into the safety of his mother's arms. Eddie's still down at the bottom waiting for a line when the storm that's been raging outside causes the walls of the tunnel to collapse, essentially burying him alive.

(Topside, Buck desperately tries to get to Eddie by clawing at the muddy ground with his bare hands; it's a futile endeavor, but one that speaks of the scope and intensity of his feelings for Eddie. The deeper the love, the more devastating the grief.)

The 118 doesn't know for sure if Eddie's alive or dead. And they're not giving up on him, but they're aware that the chances of saving him are slim. Eddie, in the meantime, is still alive but trapped. And he too will come to realize that his team can't reach him, and that he's going to have to fight for himself.

The water rises fast. The little oxygen that Eddie has runs out. He's faced with his own inevitable, and now imminent, death. But Eddie doesn't quit; just as he kept up hope in Afghanistan, just as he didn't give up on Hayden. When faced with certain death he doesn't surrender himself to it. Death will arrive, but while there's still breath in him Eddie chooses to try. That's what he's always doing--trying the best he can. And as it's often the case in life, for him now the only way out is through.

So Eddie takes a deep breath, and he dives into the water and swims. The cold is numbing and the air he's holding in his lungs won't last very long. Blackness threatens to engulf him. Eddie is now in a liminal space, poised on the very threshold between life and death. This, also, can be interpreted as birth imagery. Because what is birth if not a moment of transition? In the womb the baby is waiting, suspended in amniotic fluid where it's dark and quiet. As the mother's body goes into labor the baby is forced out into a larger world where light and noise await. The baby is alive in its mother's womb, but it's not until it's born that it can truly experience life.

There are also spiritual/religious undertones to Eddie's predicament--it can be said that Eddie is now in the underworld, a purgatory of sorts. An intermediate state where he might be purged of his sins before being allowed to rest.

Eddie relives key moments of his life, and they're all about the family he's made for himself and Christopher with Buck and the 118. It can be said that Eddie's greatest fear, and the core of his insecurities, is the sense of not being enough. It's what he confesses to Bobby when he talks about Shannon and how she'd asked for a divorce just before her fatal accident; it's what he tells his superiors in Afghanistan after saving the lives of his unit; it's what his own parents imply when they tell him that Christopher would be better off with them instead of Eddie. But here in this moment out of time, I think that Eddie looks at his accomplishments and his shortcomings and finally accepts and forgives himself. As long as he's giving his all, he is enough.

Driven by his love for his son, Eddie finds the strength to swim all the way back to the surface. His time isn't up yet, and the kind of rest that he's seeking isn't the unbroken sleep of death or an idealized Heaven, but the comfort of home.

Water symbolizes, among other things, healing and cleansing and renewal. Rebirth. So as Eddie breaks out of the water and fills his aching lungs with fresh air it's as if he's taking his first breath all over again.

Buck and Bobby and Hen all rush to Eddie's side as he staggers toward them, and when he stumbles and falls from exhaustion they lift him back up. They're all supporting him, physically and emotionally, and Buck is not only helping Eddie stay on his feet, he's lending Eddie some extra strength and reassurance by also holding his hand, just as Eddie did with Shannon when she was straining to give Christopher his final push into the world. (Just as Eddie did when he held Buck's hand when Buck was pinned under the ladder truck.) With that simple gesture Buck is telling Eddie louder than the others: "I'm here; you're not alone."

Christopher has taught Eddie to be a nurturing parent; and from Buck, the person who's closest to him, Eddie has been learning that it's okay to need and receive support, to openly express his feelings. He's been reconciling those parts of himself, embracing the more tender aspects of his personality that are associated with a more feminine energy, eschewing the toxic masculinity and the pent-up anger that led him to the fighting cage.

Is Eddie a completely changed man now after this recent brush with death? Probably not. Growth doesn't happen all at once, so he probably still has a ways to go. And that's just fine.

This, after all, is only Eddie's beginning.

***

#911 on fox #911 meta #911 3x15 #eddie begins #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #evan buckley #buddie

[girl4music]

Information on Twin Flames

You guys might find this interesting to read and recognize that it sounds extremely similiar to a relationship we all know and love. This information is taken from an Allure article written only last year.

"Have you ever met somebody who completely changed the course of your life? It might have been your twin flame. But what does that term mean, exactly? And, perhaps more importantly, how do you know when you've found yours?

“These high-level spiritual love connections do exist, but here’s a pretty serious misunderstanding of what that means," says psychospiritual mentor and love coach Lisa Vallejos. Many people assume that a twin flame is the same thing as a romantic soul mate and use the terms interchangeably, but these are entirely different things. While they can be romantic relationships, they can also be completely platonic in nature. Still, twin flames are intense and life-changing relationships that can forever change who you are.

Meeting your twin flame will change your life, but what does the term mean? Here's how to know when you meet them, what it'll feel like, and how the relationship is different from the one you have with a soul mate.

What is a twin flame?

Contrary to popular belief, a twin flame is not your soul mate. Your twin flame doesn't even have to be someone you fall in love with (although it often is). "This kind of high-level, soul-based connection isn’t about romance. It’s about spiritual growth," says Vallejos. "You meet them and your life just completely changes. You start seeing the world differently. It pushes you to want to engage with the divine, shift consciousness, and become a better, soulful being in this experience." A twin flame can be a romantic partner, a friend, a mentor, or even a student.

The relationship goes both ways. It's not a one-way spiritual street. When you meet your twin flame, they will forever change your life and you will do the same thing for them. According to intuitive energy healer Tasha Nassar, a twin flame relationship helps us unite the divine masculine and feminine within us all. (We all contain masculine and feminine energies regardless of our gender).

While such relationships are with another person, they are also meant to help us evolve our relationship with ourselves. Nassar tells Allure that when these energies come into union with another, you become a higher version of yourself and realize a version of love different from other types of relationships.

How do you know when you meet your twin flame?

Have you ever met someone and it just felt...meant to be?

“There’s a sense of homecoming," explains Vallejos. "There’s a sense of merging energy where you can’t really tell where you start and they end." Additionally, she says that often your twin flame will have experienced similar childhood trauma. While a twin flame isn't a soul split in two, as we are whole on our own, twin flames do act as a reflection. It's like looking in a mirror, and not only is your unprocessed trauma reflected back at you, but so is past life or ancestral work. "It can be really intense. That’s what being in a twin flame relationship is like, staring into a mirror all day," she says.

Unlike life partners, or what we consider to be soul mates, twin flames are intense and challenging relationships that force us to deal with our unresolved issues and become a bigger person. Because of this intensity, it's uncommon for twin flames to be a lifelong partnership. Rather, they are people who enter your life for a period of time to help you grow and steer you on course. "It is common for those relationships to separate because they are very difficult to maintain," explains Vallejos.

Think of your twin flame as a catalyst. It's okay if the relationship ends, even if it's quite painful due to the level of intensity. Your twin flame is not someone you should wait around for, as not everyone meets one in this lifetime. Should you find them, don't expect them to be your life partner. That's another type of relationship.

It might feel (or might have felt) like a cosmic spark when you meet your twin flame. They may bring up some of the most challenging lessons you'll learn and will forever change the course of your life — and you'll do the same for them. The relationship will set you on the right path and will help you confront and heal unresolved wounds. Think of your twin flame as a spark, a crucial one, and someone you will always remember. However, it's not only okay but totally normal if the relationship doesn't last forever."

Source: https://www.allure.com/story/what-is-a-twin-flame

21 Major Twin Flame Signs

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” – Rumi (The Essential Rumi)

We are not always receptive to the appearance of our twin flames in life. We might be heart-broken, wracked with grief, maritally over-burdened, or just plain tired and disillusioned when they suddenly appear out of the blue. Feeling unprepared is one of the biggest reasons why twin flame separation and the twin flame runner and chaser complex occurs. In fact, we might have already met our twin flames, but we might have overlooked them or taken them for granted in some way.

Whatever emotional or psychological stage you’re at in life, it is always beneficial to be conscious of the people you live with and meet. These following twin flame signs might help you to open new pathways and opportunities for union:

1. You feel a strange, inexplicable sense of “recognition” when you meet the person. This might manifest itself as déjà vu, or an unshakable feeling that you’ve known this person before, or are somehow “meant to be together.”

2. You have a feeling that they are going to play a very important role in your own development, without knowing when, why or how.

3. You’ve established an immediate, intense connection with them that is invigorating and shocking at the same time.

4. You feel as though you’ve finally found a “home” or safe place with the other person.

5. You are able to be your authentic self – warts and all – without the fear of rejection, persecution or judgment with them.

6. You both embody the yin and yang, in other words, your dark side is balanced by their light side, and their dark side is balanced by your light side.

7. You feel a sense of expansion with them, as though you are larger than your limited identity.

8. They make you a better person, and you make them a better person.

9. When together you are both bonded but free, attached but unattached. In other words, you still maintain your freedom even though you might be in a relationship with them.

10. You are finely tuned to their energy, and they are finely tuned to yours. This means that you are both very conscious of the present play of energy (whether happy or sad, angry or forgiving, open or withholding) present in the connection. You’re both therefore highly empathic with each other.

11. You feel as though you have been waiting for this person your entire life.

12. You both connect deeply and mirror each other’s values and aspirations for life beyond surface similarities.

13. Your twin flame is a mirror of what you fear and simultaneously desire the most for your own inner healing. For example, if you are a highly-strung person, your twin flame will most likely be relaxed and messy. If you like to play the victim, your twin flame will be a strong character who refuses to give you pity or sympathy to perpetuate your complex. If you are creatively repressed, your twin flame will be a flourishing artist. In this way, our twin flames challenge and infuriate us but also teach us important lessons about our fears, core wounds, and repressions.

14. Your childhoods were polar opposite. You were raised in very different ways, which led to the development of opposite childhood wounds that you now have the opportunity to mend.

15. One of you is more soulfully mature than the other and often serves as the teacher, counselor or confidant within the relationship.

16. You are taught important life lessons such as forgiveness, gratitude, empathy, and open-mindedness by them and with them.

17. The most growth you’ve ever experienced has been with them. No other friendship or relationship has transformed you as deeply as this one has.

18. Your connection is multi-faceted. In other words, your twin flame is likely your best friend, lover, teacher, nurturer, and muse all at once.

19. Your twin flame doesn’t try to change you. They accept you for who you are and what stage you’re at and encourage you to do the same for yourself (and vice versa).

20. You can be truthful with each other about anything.

21. Together, you both feel driven towards a higher purpose, whether spiritually, socially or ecologically. 

It makes me wonder whether Xena and Gabrielle had met before in that present lifetime of them being Xena and Gabrielle before the first episode of the show without them ever really realizing.it. Like they just passed by each other not aware to each other at all. And that's interesting because much of Xena's backstory especially has her meeting people that both change her life positively and negatively but the relationship never sticks. They eventually go their separate ways or are abruptly severed. Xena and Gabrielle's relationship sticks. They don't willfully separate or become severed from each other exactly, but they do go off on their own adventures from time to time still very much attached to each other mentally, emotionally or spiritually but physically separate from each other for the meanwhile for their own experiences. None of the other relationships for either characters, especially not Xena's, had that sense of belonging but not owning thing going on. But they did. Perhaps that's just because the show centers around both of them and allowed us the see what they did while not travelling together so we could also see how much they still needed or wanted each other around. 

What do you guys think?

#xena warrior princess #xena and gabrielle #xena #gabrielle #twin flames #allure #one soul in two bodies #the human representation of yin-yang

[prismcaster]

I just had the most amazing experience!!!

I am going to do a little back story here, because it has been quite a while since my last post...

So, my grandfather, who was the the only person in my entire 35 years of existence that I never felt the need to question if he really loved me. Any way, super long story, shortened because I don’t feel like getting into that right now, he passed away three months ago.

In the time since then, i began to question my choice of kicking spiritualism from my life. You see, since my father, i chose that purposefully, because calling him dad would insinuate that he ever truly gave a fuck about me, or my sister.... but anyway, he used and still probably does, use his religion as an excuse to punish his children for doing him wrong.... which is typical narcissistic behavior.

Which speaking of, i recently read a book called Narcissistic Father, and it literally explained him to me perfectly! It actually made the fact that he has something wrong with him mentally, make me feel so much better about myself somehow.... because well, it turns out, it really is his fault, and none of it is mine. So definitely check out that book!

So since I have all these odd feelings for him because of these things... I cast “religion” out of my life completely. I figured, religion had to be fake, because no religion would keep a parent from their child, so i cast it out 100%. It was so bad, i began to believe that when you die, you just go. I believed that when you go, there is nothing, it just ends, and that your body decomposes, giving it back to the earth you were born from, and that is that.

Then the depression came in. Because there is nothing. Nothing else. And if I couldn’t have my family back, the way i thought it should be, and that at the end of all this pain, there truly is nothing, then what is the point in being in pain forever? And contemplated suicide while laying in the floor in my art studio in complete darkness.

But i thought,” that’s stupid, you didn’t die from cancer and you’re thinking about this right now?! What the fuck, you idiot!” And i got up off the floor, switched the light back on, wiped the tears from my eye’s, and started to draw again. This eventually led to me cutting my arm open, and telling someone months later, and finally getting the help i needed to be able to get better.

Therapy was such a blessing. I truly recommend it. Talking about your problems with someone you are literally paying to listen to you, and paying to keep their opinions to themselves, is a blessing in and of itself. I also strongly suggest journaling. When ever i felt bad, i would write to myself... it helped me explain what i was feeling to myself so that i could finally start to process what was actually happening in my mind so that I could start to slowly solve my own problems.

As i did this, a strange sense of accomplishment came over me suddenly, as i realized that the saying is true, you have to create your own happiness, and also, that you have to love yourself if you ever hope to love anyone else.

So i kept working on myself, and one day, my sister mentioned to me that she had picked up a ouija board at a garage sale. Immediately, for some reason, i said, let’s do it! And we called our other sisters, and planned our first seance. The four of us went all out. We put white candles everywhere , took it very seriously, and experienced the magic of ouija for the first time.

Now, it took a while of hitting dead ends which what we were communicating with, but one day, the mother lode of insane things happened! My cousin came through the board, and after confirming neither of us were moving the planchette, and that this truly was who they said they were, i realized that the end isn’t really the end, but that there really is more, and my life started to change more and more.

I eventually decided that since I didn’t enjoy coloring any more, that I should make a coloring book instead, that way other people can color my art work, and make it their own.

Then, in the midst of this, I decided that I wanted to make my own ouija board, but not call it a ouija board.... so the google searches began.

My sister and I started a podcast, and i used that as an excuse to do an episode on the ouija board, as an excellent excuse to do deep dive research on the boards themselves.

Using this info, I knew I needed to make a spirit board, so I started to work on drawing a design, while also trying to figure out how to make it.

One day I realized “hey, i could make this design up on my ipad and turn the background off, and turn this into a png file, and cut it out with your cricut!”

So i immediately set to work on that, while still trying to figure out how to make them. Finally one day, i discussed this idea with my husband, and he suggested resin on wood. And so it began.

So far, i have made around 30 or maybe more, boards, and yet, i still do not have my own! Maybe some day! Anyway, so that was done and in progress, I left my job that was sucking me dry physically and emotionally, started pushing myself harder, was finally trying to live my life for me, instead of trying to live it the way i thought my father would have wanted me to.

I was truly happy.

And then my grandpa left us.

I collapsed hard. But I had to try to keep it together at the same time because my grandma needed me... my mom needed me.... and my sisters needed me. I fought it as long as i could.... but eventually i broke under the pressure, and re visited my therapist, whom I have decided I am just going to continue to see monthly just in case.

Turns out, I was handling grief the right way.... which I am sure surprised her a little, being as how she had diagnosed me with ptsd a few years prior.

Since his passing, i have not touched a board, or held a pendulum, and not because I am afraid he will talk to me.... but because I am afraid that he won’t. As a 100% Irish Catholic man, I am not sure if he would come through the board or not, although, i do think that he would think it would be funnier than hell to scare us.

I have however found something to believe in. Paganism. No judgements, no frills, just love, paganism, and I will never look back.

After I decided to “come out of the broom closet” so to speak, and openly declare that I am a magical being, things started changing fast...

I finished my coloring book, and most importantly, feel mentally healed. I can’t even begin to explain it, but I will try....

First, after grandpa’s passing, I realized I had learned a few things. For example, that you shouldn’t take those you love for granted, which is when i realized he was the only person who had shown me unconditional love my entire life, no matter what. I also learned from that, the passing of the person who took care of me like a dad, that all I was doing was punishing myself for something someone else did, and that I needed to stop. And you know why?! Religion!

The same damn thing that i tried so hard to keep out.

You see, my grandpa was a wonderful dude. In my entire existence, i never heard him say a negative word about anyone. And most notably, whenever he heard me say anything bad about anyone, he would tell me that I couldn’t change them, but I should say a prayer for them.

It was this phrase, which i had repeated to me over and over again, that now finally made sense after finally realizing the true power of religion. You see, I couldn’t change my father, but, I could change the way he effected me. So, i made a little testament outloud, i moved on.

But then i realized, that if that was the case with that, maybe I needed to be more open to the idea, of religion being legitimate. So i started some research again. But this time, as homework for the tribe I was planning to join. I researched goddesses, because If I was going to pick a deity to start working with, they had to be a strong female.

First up, came Athena. And i truly believe she has been with me, allowing me to get through all of my life’s battles, without me even knowing, for years.

I studied greek mythology in college because I was fascinated by it, and was floored by the parthenon, and the giant statue of Athena that stood inside, and even insisted on visiting the replica while in Tennessee for my sister’s birthday.

Coincidentally, it also turns out that she is the goddess if wisdom, arts, and crafts, so i knew she was the one for me.

Tonight, after my full initiation into the group, i went to the full moon ritual, and was asked some very prying questions by what I will refer to as the “mega crone” and I was forced to question a lot about my choices right then, in front of everyone, and ended up crying while explaining all of that to them , and not really all that well.

But i left there thinking that I needed to let go of the idea of needing to know everything, and just go with the flow.... knowledge is nice, but too much knowledge can have it’s downfalls as well. But also left me wondering how I ended up on this path.

So here i am, telling a long ass background story to get to the damn point!

I was feeling emotional after getting home, and decided to light a candle for my great aunt who is in the hospital, and try to meditate for a while.

Normally, when I try to meditate, I don’t feel anything, and also don’t normally see much, but It’s like I can envision it, even though I can’t actually see it... imagination! Which is something I had cast out of my life a long time ago as well.

So tonight i was ready. Whatever happened was going to happen.... and if grandpa communicated with me while i was meditating I would deal with the emotions and just go on. I turned on my favorite meditation video, and jumped right in... and it fuckin worked! I could feel the ground and see lights, it was so magical! I wish I could explain the trees!

Then, after i processed that I am magical, that I can truly take my own pains away, which set off a mini party if thoughts in my mind, i refocused, and realized that athena had actually been with me my whole life. She got me to grandpa somehow when he was living thousands of miles away, so that I could continue to see and feel what true love is. She was with me through the shit storm that was my youth... and stood with me as i learned to fight for myself, and get up.

It was right now that I realized I am truly magical.... i am loved.... i am perfect the way i am..... i am enough. And if anyone ever should stumble upon this ramble, and stuck with it until now.... know that you are all of those things too! And if you don’t agree, i hope maybe my path will inspire you to get to know yourself, and see what incredible, life changing things could be in store for you.

[lilahelynora]

My Emotions | tw ptsd and other stuff mentioned

Everything in me right now hurts so so much. I’m about to go to sleep, it’s 27 till 4am; and I’m crying.

I feel invalidated about who I am and even on what I should believe in. I’m a victim of defamation but I can’t afford to legally take action against it. Everything inside me hurts, I try everyday to be my best self, to put my foot forward and push aside the crap I’ve been through before.

I try to support everyone and I do. I support everyone of every nature, because I don’t have a heart to be malicious or discriminatory and everyone no matter who they are or how they were brought up, deserves to have a life full of hope and love and support and so much more, everyone matters.

I have always put others before me. It may not seem like I do, but I do. I am very very sensitive in person, I feel a lot and sometimes I don’t know if it’s normal for me to feel as much as I do, but I do.

For me all of this emotional pain started because I found out about a breakup before anyone else did and since I was still a minor at that time, and very immature. I ran with it and tried to convince everyone to see what I saw that was right in front of me.

The other day, this week. I was medically diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), growing up I believed personally that only people who have been through the worst things imaginable developed PTSD. That there was no possible way someone like me could develop it. I didn’t feel comfortable with my own self diagnosis, I made last year because I didn’t want to use a condition like that so carelessly.

But lone and behold I have been diagnosed by a specialist with it and after the defamation that was made against me and spread everywhere through a google pdf file made 8-9 days before my birthday and then virtually distributed everywhere on my birthday, I have fallen to my knees in agony.

I cried so hard on my birthday, that my birthday this year would have to be one of the most upsetting and worst birthdays I’ve had in my life, right above my 16th birthday.

People to this day online don’t believe that I am legitimately me, even after I sent them a censored out photo of my driver’s license because they believe the defamated pdf file over me. They don’t have remorse or guilt over how they see me, because they don’t know me. They don’t want to try to know me and that hurts in a whole different way.

Nobody sees me as a victim because they choose to believe a group of people’s bad experiences online with someone they are forever going to think was me, when it wasn’t. They don’t care how much I “cry” or anything, because to them and others, I’m no better than a speck of dirt under ones shoe.

I still call upon the Angels, God, Jesus Christ, Archangel Michael, the Holy Spirit, Mother Mary and my Spirit Guides (whom I hope to meet one day) to watch out for me. To guide me through this chapter in my life and to keep me out of harm’s way and to watch over me and help me heal inside. I know my spiritual being is littered with scars and bumps and bruises. I know the child inside of me is hiding in a corner with her head between her legs, crying her eyes out because growing up, everyone told her that her life was going to be full of wonder and hope and all of her wildest dreams would come true, but it’s yet to happen. She’s scared of what she’s seeing her older self is currently going through.

She feels the pain inside. Like a knife to a pad of foam or someone getting lemon juice into a fresh paper cut. I want the pain I feel inside to go away. I want to know and feel true and undeniable happiness for the first time in my life, to be able to wake up in the morning and be grateful to be able to wake up and live a new and fresh day.

I went to New York this year back in February, I was originally supposed to go for New Years; but I contracted Influenza Type B and couldn’t go. The airline luckily gave me two weeks for the same price of my original one week, when I rescheduled. Anyways, I was excited and had every reason to be. It was my first time in a whole new place, it was like another world to me. I never wanted to leave. Within those two weeks, I fell in love with the way I felt in that city.

I felt free. Sure the pending adult responsibilities I had were still there, but I felt free. I felt like I had hope for my future. When I went to the 9/11 memorial, I had to hold back tears because of the amount of energy I felt there (I don’t know how some people know that they’re an empath. But I feel like I am one, with how I can feel emotions and energy shifts and stuff).

Because of the defamation I experienced with the pdf virtually published and thriving just a few weeks prior to my trip. I still put on a brave face for my aunt that I was visiting and pushed through the little excursions I had. I didn’t even cry around my family members after it came out on my birthday, because of the fear of them finding out about my media platforms and them asking questions, I didn’t have proper answers too.

It wasn’t until my newly discovered cousin (my aunt’s daughter) went to her therapist appointment while I was staying with them, that I broke down in the waiting room in front of my aunt (and drew a few unwanted eyes on me) because I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go back to the same old lifestyle I had back home. Because back home, I was back to working at a place I didn’t feel safe in, I had my own family issues that I couldn’t ventilate with anyone due to not having registered yet with a therapist and more things.

I was scolded and reprimanded when I got home because my aunt told everyone about me breaking down and messily exposing some family issues, I was struggling with back home. Not gonna lie, I saw it coming. It was the first time with my aunt that I only just met and I sort of blew it in a way by getting emotional. Which I can also recall breaking down on the subway a day before I had to fly back and some guy gave me a few bucks and told me his own story of hitting rock bottom and while I wasn’t in a way at rock bottom, I was still seen by others as a young millennial who’s going through a big ass hurdle in their life and felt like the world was just caving in on them... and that there was still hope for me. I’ll never forget that memory.

I try, like I said, I try to be my best self. To be a good girl in society’s eyes. I’ve personally still never been kissed yet, or experienced forms of intimacy, or been to a party, or snuck out of the house, or held a disciplinary record at school (though I did have detention one time in middle school for not paying attention in math class), or smoked, or drank (unless the Smirnoff Malt Peach Bellini’s with a 0.5% Alc content count), or did anything with any serious consequences. I never had an overly zealous lifestyle like everyone else apparently has had.

Like my parents separated when I was around four, got legally divorced when I was roughly twelve or thirteen. My father gave up on me after I turned fifteen. Him as well as my grandmother (his mother) filled my head full of lies about my mother, so I grew up with a strong unnecessary hatred towards her and I’ve been told that when he was supposed to be “watching me”, when I was little, all he did was sleep and didn’t do anything. So I practically up and raised myself, which is my only defence when I made the self diagnosis last year of having PTSD.

And now at 4:58am, I’m laying in my pitch dark bedroom lit only by a small scent defuser plug-in from bath and body works, with an empty sent bottle that’s yet to be changed and having Birds by Imagine Dragons off of my “cloudy hues” playlist (made to listen during my depression episodes) on Spotify playing softly through my google home speaker that Spotify gave me as a gift last year for being a premium member, just thinking about what will happen next after the sun rises.

I’m exhausted. Physically and emotionally, I am stressed chronically and it’s valid. Like I’ve said repetitively throughout this long ass post, I’ve been medically diagnosed with PTSD. So I have chronic and traumatic stress and my anxiety isn’t getting any better and I know no matter what I do, no one will believe me. Because who would believe one person’s truth against five personal accusations inside one defamated pdf file with “screenshots”?

It’s one of those “fuck it” moments in life you know? Where you have to just throw your arms up and let them fall back to your sides in that dramatic clap and hope that in time, people eventually stop caring and paying attention. I know I’ll never make it in the acting industry as I’ve hoped to one day pursue because of that defamated pdf file. If anything I might still be able to be a writer or a photographer, I enjoy writing therapeutically (hence why this post is as long as it is).

I just... when the time comes for someone to “fall in love with me” (hell my reputation is already tattered like a flag, so if I do meet Dylan and he does naturally fall for me which is a slim 50/50 of even happening), regardless of whatever life throws in the way. I would like them to accept me as a whole, flaws and all.

That means to understand my upbringing, my emotional background and health history and anything else. If they can’t handle that information, then that says it all. I don’t want to be someone’s notch on their belt, I don’t want to throw myself at someone’s shoes just to get stomped on and thrown away. I want to mean something to someone, anyone. I want someone to say with all their heart and soul, “you matter to me, I love you even if you struggle with loving yourself. I accept you because you have been through your own personal hell growing up and no matter what, I will always be there for you because you matter in this world just like everyone else does” that’s what I want.

I have high and probably slightly deluded expectations, and I’m sorry for that but that’s me. That’s who I am as a person and if I have kids, I will never ever let them know how and what I went through because I am not one to corrupt the innocent. To change one’s image for their own game. I will teach them all about the wonders of the world and if god and the universe allow me to travel with them, I’ll take them all over the world and let them learn about everyone and their cultures and their stories. I’ll fill their hearts and minds with kindness and love for I have not one once in me, that’s capable of damaging them with the horrific truths we’ve all have lived and are living.

I would even teach them about every belief in the world and let them make their own choice and decisions with the proper respect and knowledge on what they choose to believe in. Everyone knows why there’s wars in the world, if it isn’t for fossil fuels (which I’ll also teach them about so they learn to love and care for the planet instead of destroying it).

My feelings are valid, and I am allowed to express them in a negative and/or positive way. I have been silenced all my life and I’m tired of that. I want this post to be the ONLY time, I ever have to say anything about that file that’s spread about me at the beginning of this year and for people to actually understand me and not mock me for once, just because they’re scared of how others will see them.

I never ONCE did any of those things that are in that pdf file that is said, I have done.

I don’t care if you want to personally burn me at the metaphorical stake or put my head on a spike, because you decided and chose with your whole little ass heart to believe what someone else said and is saying about someone they have never EVER met in person or even gotten to know instead of actually asking that person yourself if they did any of those things.

All this post is in the eyes of the ones who have defamated me, is a fleck of dust on their phone screens, that they’ll probably drag me over with their sum total of 5,000 or so followers who’s half total is probable bots and are all possibly deactivating one by one as you’re reading this.

It sucks what I’ve felt inside and I truly don’t want to continue to go through this.

And for anyone on Twitter that stumbles across this post, I would never stoop as low as you all have to get Dylan’s attention because you’re bored. I understand and respect Dylan’s boundaries and the “joke” you all tried to trend with a hashtag is sickening. That was not a joke and never will be applicable as a joke. Dylan has a life outside of the internet, he’s about to be 29 years old and doesn’t need a bunch of people on Twitter vindicating when he should post or come online or even babying him. He’s a grown adult. Treat him like one. Yes you’re a fan, but that’s not an excuse or defence for any negative actions on that platform.

It’s 5:30 now so I’m going to sleep, reblog this, share it anywhere if you want. I don’t care anymore. I am officially done with the bullshit. That pdf file that has been shared countless times on end is a form of defamation, no matter whatever shit screenshots or accusations are in it. It will always be a form of defamation, maybe only in my eyes even, but still. It is what it is and so it is. This is my defence and I want to officially be in peace or at least have someone or anyone feel for me in some way or another. It’s all I want. Because this post out of EVERY post I have done in the past. Is the last “explanation” post I am ever doing.

I hope everyone has a nice day - morning - etc. I love you all so much, even if you hate me or believed that post and I pray nothing but good light and graces come to your life as it has yet to arrive in mine.

All my love, Lillie 🥀

#personal #ptsd tw #me #SUPER long post #rant #emotional #insomnia #im sorry

[spirit-science-blog]

This special episode of Spirit Science takes a step back to look at the series as a whole and describes a new vision moving forward for all of us as a global family.

We believe it is very much possible to create heaven on Earth, where everyone can live in harmony with one another, despite our different views and ways of life. This video describes what this future could look like, and how we can start to create it, both collectively and individually tangibly.

We have created a road map to this future, using sacred geometry, which we applied to the light spectrum and compared it to different spiritual systems and esoteric practices. Each level builds off the one before it, so as we move up the levels, we continuously create a more solid foundation as we go.

The first layer is the root – it embodies all of our physical health and how to get grounded in the world around us. This allows us to shift from surviving to thriving as we address the root issues of fear and turn it into faith. These topics will include things like diet and nutrition, exercise, yoga, and different healing practices like massage and acupuncture.

The next layer focuses on emotional health, which naturally flows after establishing a healthy physical foundation. This section looks at how we connect with our own emotional bodies and the interactions between us and those in our lives. The more grounded we are, the abler we become to help others, practice forgiveness, and be emotionally available to everyone around us.

Moving up on the spectrum, we come to the realm of our mental health! This is where we observe our thoughts and begin to understand the sheer power behind them. At this level, we explore the depths of our minds and the mental patterns we have created, as well as how to break free from them.

Then we get to the heart! From here, everything becomes a lot more interconnected. We will start to explore spiritual health, how to truly practice empathy, forgiveness, and seeing everyone as a reflection of us. This section will include different meditations, the use of crystals, and what it means to really live from the heart.

From here, we move into the fifth level, exploring deeper into philosophy and ancient teachings. This level will focus on topics like the Hermetica, the Emerald Tablets, and other mystic texts. It will dive into astrology, the history of mankind, and many different ancient insights. This level is about perfecting the communication between us and others as we explore these types of ideas.

The sixth level is a representation of the cosmos itself. This section looks at the very geometric building blocks of reality. It will explore things like quantum physics, sacred geometry, the elements, astronomy, chemistry, and the many different avenues of science. This merges the ideas of science and spirit to truly bring a new understanding of what is possible in our reality.

Finally, the last level is all about unity! This is where we harmonize all the previous levels and combine our entire understanding – from root to crown. This is the expansion of our awareness to new heights; from here, we are able to transcend the limited view of the ego and begin to create collectively to bring this vision of the future to fruition.

This is where our ascension will really begin to take place.

As we continue to grow and evolve, this road map will change as well. It is important to adapt and shift as life is always in a state of change. We look forward to co-creating this heaven on Earth with you, as it will take all of us working together to really make the change that we’re all longing for!

#spirit science #spiritualawakening #spirituality #spiritualconnection

[rabbirose]

Vayechi - Transcript of Podcast

Shalom and welcome to Shikul Da’at.  I’m Josh Rose.  This week we close out the book of genesis with Parashat Vayechi.  I want to quickly look back at some of the themes of the book of Genesisi to shed light on our Torah portion.  

Where does Genesis begin?  Of course, at the beginning: Bereishit bara elokim et ha-shamayim v’et ha’aretz.  There is only God, the creative force, and no other.  God’s presence shapes the chaos, creating beauty, order, the proliferation of life.  A harmony among all the parts of the created world.

God completes creation - and blesses it. 

and almost immediately the world goes wrong.  It is human beings who undo the harmony and order created by God. Adam and Eve - the eternal pair -  break they bond with God through deception. They are to suffer the pain of labor - in both senses of that word - and expulsion from Eden. 

What follows is a legacy of the undoing of God’s work. Their son Kayin murders his brother Hevel. Over generations the world is consumed by violence.  Then the flood. In the Noah story many hints in the text, which we can’t go into here, indicate that creation itself is being undone. 

By the time the end of the Noah story passes in chapter 9, with its mysteriosly shameful episode of drunkenness and a hint of sexual violation, we begin to see that family is a central focus of Bereishit. The family is the central narrative and moral unit in the book.  in each generation, though, we see family trauma and pain.  

But now the story changes fundamentally because we meet Avram.  This extraordinary historical figure is able to hear amidst the noise of ordinary life the voice of God, to discern a spiritual-moral order within the world.  What makes Avram worthy of his new name, Avraham, however, is that he also understands his place and the place of his spiritual descendents in realizing that spiritual-moral order, in manifesting the Divine dream of harmony and peace.  God has a true partner in creation, and establishes with Avaraham an ongoing relationship but more important, a brit, a covenant that binds God to Abraham’s descendents and binds them to God. Those descendents - you and me, and all who will eventually join that covenant, are to be blessed by God and are to make themselves a source of blessing to all the people of the world.  

And then real life intrudes on this beautiful vision.  Abraham’s son and grandson, Isaac and Jacob do indeed carry on this relationship with God. But the familial theme rises up continuously to disrupt their lives.  Again and again families are torn asunder by pain and division.  Isaac is tricked by his son Jacob, leading his other son Esau to want to kill Jacob.  Jacob is then deceived by his uncle Lavan into marrying the wrong woman, and is mistreated by him for years. Along the way interlopers and foreign leaders add to the complications.  By the time we are introduced to Abraham’s great grandchildren - Joseph and his brothers - the spectre of fratricide appears for the third time in Genesis.  

The progenitors of the Israelite tribes throw their brother Joseph in a pit intending to kill him. This initial familial murderous betrayal casts the family into exile. Finally in our portion, Vayechi, Jacob, all of his sons and their families and Joseph are together in Egypt.  

This book that began with God’s perfect cosmic harmony,  sustained on earth by those who are to build in the land of Israel a commnity of peace and blessing concludes with a deeply divided family living in exile.  

Descriptively, Vayechi is our story.  We live in a fractured world, wounded by our own family stories, or suffering the divisions of the broader human community.  We live in exile, far from a perfected world and far from our spiritual home. 

God begins creating with light.  The Torah indicates God’s own assessment of the work God saw.  God saw that it was good.  Rashi’s opening comment on our Torah portion talks about blindness.  Ours is a parashah satumah - a closed portion, which means simply that it does not begin with a line break, but rather right in the middle of the paragraph where the previous torah portion ended.  Rashi, citing a midrash says

י יעקב ויחי יעקב. לָמָּה פָּרָשָׁה זוֹ סְתוּמָה? לְפִי שֶׁכֵּיוָן שֶׁנִּפְטַר יַעֲקֹב אָבִינוּ נִסְתְּמוּ עֵינֵיהֶם וְלִבָּם שֶׁל יִשְׂרָאֵל מִצָּרַת הַשִּׁעְבּוּד, שֶׁהִתְחִילוּ לְשַׁעְבְּדָם; (דָּבָר אַחֵר: שֶׁבִּקֵּשׁ לְגַלּוֹת אֶת הַקֵּץ לְבָנָיו, וְנִסְתַּם מִמֶּנּוּ. בִּבְ"רַ:)

Why is this (Sidra) closed? Because when jaocb died the eyes and the hearts of Israel were closed because of the suffering of slavery which they then began to impose upon them. 

And that’s not the only evidence of lack of light or absence of seeing. Jacob’s eyes, the Torah tell us are dim with age, a blindness that is accompanied by his own spiritual blindness.  When Jacob gathers his sons toward the end of his life, he says 

וַיִּקְרָ֥א יַעֲקֹ֖ב אֶל־בָּנָ֑יו וַיֹּ֗אמֶר הֵאָֽסְפוּ֙ וְאַגִּ֣ידָה לָכֶ֔ם אֵ֛ת אֲשֶׁר־יִקְרָ֥א אֶתְכֶ֖ם בְּאַחֲרִ֥ית הַיָּמִֽים׃

And Jacob called his sons and said, “Come together that I may tell you what is to befall you in days to come, or literally - at the end of days.

  But he doesn’t reveal what will befall them , leading the commentators to tell us that Divine vision had been removed from him.   Rashi, offering an alternative explanation for why the parashah is closed, says

  שֶׁבִּקֵּשׁ לְגַלּוֹת אֶת הַקֵּץ לְבָנָיו, וְנִסְתַּם מִמֶּנּוּ. בִּבְ"רַ: 

he wanted to reveal the ultimate end to his sons, but it was closed from him.  

 Between Berishit, beginning, and acharit ha-yamim, the final end, we behold only chaos and disappointment.

Over the course of this parashah, Jacob dies and the book closes with the passing of his favorite son, Joseph.  This book that started with the proliferation of life ends with death.  And we know that this hints only at more death to come.  In Exodus, when the Israelite babies are drowned in the River Nile, we know we have come as far as we can from Gan Eden, watered by the four Supernal Rivers that our Kabbalistic tradition tells us flowed with spiritual sustenance.

And yet.  Beneath the surface we begin to detect echoes of that initial Divine harmony, forces moving in the opposite direction, back to order and beauty.

Jacob gathers his sons together to bless them

וַיִּקְרָ֥א יַעֲקֹ֖ב אֶל־בָּנָ֑יו וַיֹּ֗אמֶר הֵאָֽסְפוּ֙ וְאַגִּ֣ידָה לָכֶ֔ם אֵ֛ת אֲשֶׁר־יִקְרָ֥א אֶתְכֶ֖ם בְּאַחֲרִ֥ית הַיָּמִֽים׃

And Jacob called his sons and said, “hey-as-fu Come together that I may tell you what is to befall you in days to come.

הִקָּבְצ֥וּ וְשִׁמְע֖וּ בְּנֵ֣י יַעֲקֹ֑ב וְשִׁמְע֖וּ אֶל־יִשְׂרָאֵ֥ל אֲבִיכֶֽם׃

he-kab-tzu Assemble and hearken, O sons of Jacob; Hearken to Israel your father:

Can we hear in this coming together, this assembly of  sons who in their travails have been physically and emotionally divided, an intimation of a fitting cosmic healing.  God creates a world by dilineating and separating - the verb l’havdil appears repeatefly in the creation story.   Perhaps in this drawing of his sons together in blessing, Jacob is mirroring the primal divine harmony.  Delineation, separation is the primary creative act.  This primary Divine act we reflect back through a life of mitzvah, which is so often based on the recognition of distinctions: holy from profane, kosher from not kosher.  

And Jaocb’s spiritual act resonates on the earthly plane. Upon the death of Jacob, Joseph’s brothers know he might harbor resentment that he could now unleash. They come to him and plead. He weeps and embraces them, assuring them of his love.     This book so defined by familial division and estrangement ends with what appears to be a true and beautiful healing. 

Let’s look closely at the father’s beautiful blessing which occupies such a prominent place in the Torah portion.  In fact Jacob’s blessing of his grandchildren and children is the focus of the first five aliyot of Vayechi.  After the blessing the Torah says

כָּל־אֵ֛לֶּה שִׁבְטֵ֥י יִשְׂרָאֵ֖ל שְׁנֵ֣ים עָשָׂ֑ר וְ֠זֹאת אֲשֶׁר־דִּבֶּ֨ר לָהֶ֤ם אֲבִיהֶם֙ וַיְבָ֣רֶךְ אוֹתָ֔ם אִ֛ישׁ אֲשֶׁ֥ר כְּבִרְכָת֖וֹ בֵּרַ֥ךְ אֹתָֽם׃

All these were the tribes of Israel, twelve in number, and this is what their father said to them as he bade them farewell, addressing to each a parting word appropriate to him.

Jacob then instructs them take him up to bury him in the land of Israel, teaching us and his sons, that the covenant with God is still in place. This dream of a healed world inspired by commitment to God wil not die with the last patriarch. And then:

וַיְכַ֤ל יַעֲקֹב֙ לְצַוֺּ֣ת אֶת־בָּנָ֔יו וַיֶּאֱסֹ֥ף רַגְלָ֖יו אֶל־הַמִּטָּ֑ה וַיִּגְוַ֖ע וַיֵּאָ֥סֶף אֶל־עַמָּֽיו׃

Jacob completed instructing his sons, drew his feet into the bed and expired, and was gathered to his people.

This beautiful and euphemistic description of his death contains words that we might suggest resonate with the creation story.  When Jacob insructs his sons, לְצַוֺּ֣ת , we hear this special verb from which mitzvah comes.  Genesis is bookended also, then, by this word, which appears for the first time here: 

וַיְצַו֙ יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹהִ֔ים עַל־הָֽאָדָ֖ם לֵאמֹ֑ר מִכֹּ֥ל עֵֽץ־הַגָּ֖ן אָכֹ֥ל תֹּאכֵֽל׃

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you are free to eat; but as for the tree of knowledge of good and bad, you must not eat of it; for as soon as you eat of it, you shall die.”

With this word, so central to the human-divine relationship, we are taken back at hte moment of Jaocb’s death to the first mention of death.  Does genesis close with the reminder - or the promise - that even in death we should be reminded of the eternality of the Divine promise?

The final sentence about Jacob’s final acts, begins with the word vay’chal.   The word means to complete and indicates the fulfillment of a project - it speaks to the beauty and fullness of Jacob’s life.  Where do we first encounter the word?  It appears twice in consecutive verses at the end of the creation story.

וַיְכֻלּ֛וּ הַשָּׁמַ֥יִם וְהָאָ֖רֶץ וְכָל־צְבָאָֽם׃

The heaven and the earth were finished, and all their array.

וַיְכַ֤ל אֱלֹהִים֙ בַּיּ֣וֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִ֔י מְלַאכְתּ֖וֹ אֲשֶׁ֣ר עָשָׂ֑ה וַיִּשְׁבֹּת֙ בַּיּ֣וֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִ֔י מִכָּל־מְלַאכְתּ֖וֹ אֲשֶׁ֥ר עָשָֽׂה׃

On the seventh day God finished the work that He had been doing, and He ceased on the seventh day from all the work that He had done.

And these words which we chant each Friday night before Kiddush conclude this way: 

vayavareich elokim et yom ha-shvi-i.  

God completes, vayachal, creation and seals it with a blesing. 

Jacob blesses his children and then, vaychal, his life is complete.  

With these tentative observations I don’t want to draw sweeping conclusions about the literary intent of the holy book of Bereishit.  But we should focus on the ways in which hurt and hope, pain and possibility and of course exile and redemption and woven together as Bereishit draws to a close.  Vayechi is too complex and magnificent for us to try to label is as a happy or sad ending to Genesis.  In the twists of this story we are to see all of the dangers and difficulties that await the Jewish people in exile, as well as the heavenly hope that instills in us the knowledge that redemption is possible.  Jacob’s life and his death reverberate with the the promise that in our very lives resonates the vision of God’s promise of a world of beauty and blessing. 

Have a great week and thank you so much for listening

[armageddon-generation]

Fixing The Legend of Korra - Book 2

I’D LIKE TO CLARIFY THAT I IMAGINE THESE SEASONS TO BE 26-8 EPISODES IN LENGTH, YOUNG JUSTICE-STYLE, TO FIT EVERYTHING IN

ALSO THIS IS LONGER AND I TOOK MORE LIBERTIES WITH CANON BECAUSE BOOK 2 ISN’T THE GREATEST

Book 1 here  Book 3 here,  Book 4 here

BOOK 2

KORRA

When we start 6 months later Korra still doesn’t have her fire, earth or waterbending – but she’s still not mastered airbending because she associates it with her trauma.

This simultaneously justifies how protective Tenzin is, and how frustrating Korra’s airbending training has become – she’s stuck using the element least like her, forcing her to use cut-and-run tactics she hates

This also explains her frustrations with Mako – he’s fighting crime while she’s stuck on the island, feeling powerless. She’s angry at him for doing what she taught him to – embrace his gift. Their relationship is becoming unhealthy.

If Amon was powered by dark spirits it also explains why Korra is so angry her Dad has been hiding the spirit attacks in the South from her – in her head dark spirits are the thing that stole her bending, so she wants payback (which Tenzin is actively against)

This fear Korra will hurt herself also means Unalaqq’s faith in her will mean a lot more – we can see it positively impacting her

All this time we see Korra’s past lives debating what to do with her – Aang is defending her, but Kyoshi is taking a hardline approach – death and moving on to the next life?

After Korra shows herself to be completely useless against the first Dark Spirit attack, Kyoshi has enough and possesses Korra's body (like Roku did to Aang in ATLA 1x09 Avatar Roku). Team Avatar then have to hold off crazy Korra while she tries to reassert control over her own body

Kyoshi and Kurruk argue over who should be in control - the Water Tribes are his people - and Korra literally fights herself, destroying everything, as control switches between them (both Kyoshi and Kurruk try to flirt with Mako, which freaks him out)

Eventually it's Raava (unnamed and unknown at this point) who helps Korra reassert control - all the past Avatars are stunned she intervened

Only reopening the Southern portal gets Korra her bending back – the strengthened spiritual connection allows Raava to heal and reconnect her to the elements – Aang gets to say ‘I told you so’

Unalaqq's plan getting Korra's bending back explains her loyalty to him and desire to prove he’s a good person

Emphasise the familial connection between Unalaqq and Korra – maybe flashbacks to visits when she was a child?

Explore more Avatars' stories while we have the him, to deepen the impact losing her past lives has on Korra (she barely communicates with them in the original) - Aang sees a lot of similarities between Korra and Kyoshi, which worries him

Compare the active Korra to the last waterbending Avatar, Kurruk (the inactive guy who fought Ko the Face Stealer) - Unalaqq disapproves of him. Establish the Avatar was always flawed and prone to laziness

When Korra does get her bending back she’s boisterous and overzealous, driving Mako up the wall

Learning the origins of bending as a weapon against spirits in Wan's time causes Korra to reconsider the aggressive and excessive way she uses hers. She becomes a lot more self-conscious and careful

In Book 1 we established Korra had trouble with waterbending’s emotional side (accepting change and letting emotion flow) and Kya had to teach her using adapted firebending techniques

The conflicts of this book teach Korra (and Kya) to value her culture (the spiritual and emotional lessons it teaches) and she learns how to let her emotions flow from Katara  

In the finale when Korra turns into a kid, have Naga be her guide, not the dragon-bird. It’s an awesome design, but it’d be cool to see Naga do her job as animal guide - she can have a crazy spirit form once Korra grows back up

UNALAQQ

I think this would be a really interesting opportunity to explore theocracies – If Unalaqq is the leader of a spiritual cult who worship Vaatu as a god. If spirits are influenced by human emotion, worship could do some very interesting, dangerous things

Have Katara also clash directly with Unalaqq (not physically, but in terms of ideals and influencing the people) as the South’s unofficial spiritual leader

Explore Unalaqq’s childhood, isolated and jealous of his brother (he’s basically Loki from Marvel, and he’s one of their most sympathetic villains)

Chart Unalaqq’s corruption under the influence of Vatuu – think the One Ring’s influence on Gollum – see him turn from a promising scholar to a scheming Machiavellian mastermind, turn it into a family tragedy

Also touch on the twins’ relationship with their father – I’m assuming it was cold and empty, like Mai’s relationship with her parents. But their parents are estranged (a result of Unalaqq’s fall) and their mother abandoned them, so he is all they have

Draw direct comparisons between this relationship and Tonraq’s relationship with Korra, which is almost too caring, yet at the same time he leys her be her own person in a way Unalaqq won’t let them – the twins don’t really get this kind of affection, though by the end of the season they express a wistful longing for what could have been

Asami relates to the evil father thing, and is a key instigator of their turning against Unalaqq

Lets see more of the actual Civil War in the South, to maintain the urgency of the plot – Tonraqq leading guerrilla warfare. Maybe one desperate moment where Katara comes in for support – not actual fighting, more like the wave from The Last Airbender Movie – something to scare pursuers off

ASAMI

In Republic City Asami is trying to put the Equalist experience behind her. This doesn’t work so well when she’s having to testify at her father’s trial at the beginning of the book

I think it’d be a tragic twist if the same day was the anniversary of her mother’s death, and she had to visit her grave (first one parent – in jail – and now the next – in prison). This compounds how lonely and directionless Asami is

At the same time, the Equalists (the same likeable Chi-blockers from Book 1) are attempting to gain legitimate democratic representation in the United Republic – something Raiko is understandably not keen on. Non-bender rights have actually back-slid in the wake of Amon’s revolution. They keep asking Asami to become their official representative – a multibillion-yuan company would make people take them seriously. Asami keeps turning them down because it’s bad for business, but she’s also not ready to go there emotionally

Asami comes to South Pole separately to Korra and the others – they bump into each other on the dock (which is super-awkward) and Bolin insists on going with her to see Varrick to get away from Makorra

Asami’s arc over the season is affirming she isn’t like her father (a legitimate worry, now she’s inherited his job and the Equalists want her to lead them) or Varrick – she is a good person and she wants to help people.

In the time when Korra doesn’t have her bending she and Asami bond over the frustrations of being a non-bender, and she helps Korra practice airbending – Korra now has much more respect for Asami, and her inferiority complex makes her think that, if it came down to it, Asami would be a better Avatar than her

Asami gradually becomes more involved in the Civil War conflict until by the end of the season she is basically Korra’s right-hand woman, and they have an extreme professional respect for each other – laying the groundwork for Book 3’s friendship/romance

In the finale Asami agrees to fund the Equalists’ political campaign – she is fully committed to righting her father’s wrongs and creating positive change (setting up the next book)

ATLA FAMILY TREE (KYA)

This a personal thing, but I think Kya would be much more interesting if she was Katara and Zuko’s daughter, and not Katara and Aang’s.

Because I’m rewriting Korra I’m taking liberties and declaring everything post-Sozin’s Comet fair game. No offence to any Kataang shippers out there (my first OTP), but I think it’d be more interesting if they broke up soon after the war ended and reality set in (I have many reasons why but that’s not why we’re here) and Katara eventually flalls for and marries Zuko

You could then have Tenzin’s mom be an air acolyte – I personally like the idea of Aang eventually ending up with Ty Lee because their humble monk/crazy flirty girl dynamic would be interesting, and there are loads of headcanons that Ty Lee has a connection to the airbenders.

Tenzin’s mom will have recently died so we don’t have to deal with another character, and we can still have an interesting pseudo-maternal relationship between all of Team Avatar’s kids and Katara

But imagine if Firelord Zuko’s firstborn, heir apparent to the throne of the Fire Nation, was a waterbender? Kya would’ve forfeited the throne as soon as her younger sibling was born (this could be a version of the Izumi character) and her roaming the world trying to find herself would have greater weight

Kya always connected more with Aang and Toph’s kids then her own sister – her arc over the season is reconnecting with them and creating her own family – maybe she and Tenzin clash, because she knows what it’s like to be disappointed by family and wants to tear down his delusions of Aang as the perfect father

ZUTARA + FAMILY

Because he’s now blood-related to Katara General Iroh has greater motivation to help in the war – he takes a leave of absence and goes with Korra to the Fire Nation to appeal for help. When they’re attacked by Eska and Desna, Korra saves Iroh from the dark spirit and he manages to make it home on his own.

He helps Lord Zuko sneak into the South on a small ship (paralleling Zuko sneaking in to the Northern Tribe in the ATLA book 1 finale) to go help Katara (Zuko splits his time between her and his responsibility to Izumi)

Zuko is present when the Krew arrive at the South on the Zhu Li. Zuko is horrified by what Unalaqq is doing to the spirits and explains the story of The Search comics to Korra in flashback – how a spirit gave his mother a new life and then reunited them years later. This story of inspiring positive interaction between humans and spirits is partly what motivates Korra to keep the portals open – tying it to the biggest mystery from ATLA means the choice is more likely to emotionally resonate with the audience

Compare how different Katara’s life is to her daughter’s – Katara settled hard when Kya never stopped running. This is because Katara wanted more than anything to be a good mom, because she knows what not having one is like, and no-one should ever go through that. There’s a suggestion that because of this Katara’s potential as a spiritual leader and figurehead wasn’t fully realised (a deficiency exploited by Unalaqq)  – she feels guilty, for failing both her tribe and Aang’s legacy

Kya reassures her before the final battle that she has nothing to regret – she’s an amazing mom. They reconnect, and Katara gets to make fun of her for her crush on Lin. Tenzin is the one to reassure her about Aang being proud of her, after returning from the spirit world

LIN

At the beginning of Book 2 Lin is being pushed out of the Police Force – Raiko wants her to retire. She knows it’s just because she’s still stuck being a non-bender (because Korra has fixed her own problems yet). Not only does this mean no-one trusts her to be as hands-on as she used to be, but to Raiko’s administration she is a scar left behind by one of the greatest instances of civil unrest in history – she is an unwelcome reminder of Amon

Bolin is drifting - he attempts to join the RCPD but flunks out when he's unable to metalbend - a frustrated Lin sympathises, but she's ha her own crisis of faith desperately drafting and training up new metal benders who have far less skill discipline and respect for the art than her - a teaching role she's clearly uncomfortable with 

Insert flashbacks of Toph trying to teach Lin as a kid (Toph's line about her girls never taking to metalbending in Book 4 implies this wasn't happy). This plays as a tragic parody of Bitter Work - Lin suddenly has a bitter empathy for how her Mom felt

She starts receiving letters from Su, asking if she’s OK or if she needs help – these only make her angry, and she ignores them (Toph hasn’t sent her anything)

By the beginning of the book (I’m thinking we spend a whole episode in Republic City setting everything up, then move to the South in Episode 2) it’s gotten so bad that Kuvira turns up at Precinct One in full Zaofu guard uniform. She’s the only one with enough will and stubbornness to come down and try to talk some sense into Lin. Because she’s looking for the Chief, they send her to Lin’s favourite rookie – Mako.

Mako talks with Kuvira (at this point a complete stranger) and comes away really admiring her. This trip is the first time she’s taken administrative leave from Zaofu. She takes particular interest in how they deal with prisoners, and Mako’s upbringing comes up – she reassures him to hang in there, explaining her own tragic origin as an orphaned nobody. Mako is inspired (she reminds him of the way Korra used to be, the way he wishes she was now)

Lin, of course, kicks Kuvira out as soon as she recognises her uniform. This doesn’t go as smoothly as usual, though – Kuvira is one of the few people who can stand up to Lin, and leaves on her own terms.

Lin’s angry, near abusive reaction to Bolin's incompetence at metalbending makes him concerned about for her, not angry (Build a relationship between these characters!) and Lin realises she's becoming the worst parts of her mother. She needs a break to go find herself

She accepts an invitation (from Katara) to go to the Glacier Spirits Festival (Lin doesn’t really do vacations – she has nowhere else to go)

While in the South Lin’s interactions with the other Team Avatar kids are pretty awkward – she hasn’t talked to Bumi in literal decades – but she has a warm (if reluctant and awkward) surrogate mother relationship with Katara, which bonds everyone together

Kya and Lin in particular bond over both being outcasts, never feeling like they were what their parents wanted – I just really like the idea of Kyalin and want to see them interact – joking about their role reversal - Lin is soul-searching while Kya is the devoted daughter

Once Korra gets her bending back she cures Lin, and Lin comes storming back to the City with Mako, halting Raiko’s replacement plans

She is now a big supporter of non-bending rights, and together with Asami, by the end of the book she’s become an official advocate

MAKO & BOLIN

With benders gone Republic City is still in a semi crisis state, with electricity being rationed and the removal of a lot of triads' bending (and the prison break in the finale) sparking a full-on gang war keeping the RCPD busy

Mako’s colleagues are bitter he is only getting ahead in the RCPD because he is one of the rare benders left, and therefore more effective in fieldwork

Explore Mako’s struggle as a cop with ties to the triad – before he gets framed, establish no-one on the force really trusts him yet. Lin is sympathetic (suggest, when Su’s letters arrive, she’s trying to make up for what happened with Su becoming a criminal – saving Mako is equivalent to making up for her mistakes)

Lin believes Mako’s theory about Varrick after he gives her the evidence (her ignoring him is frustratingly dumb) . When Mako is framed and Raiko demands his arrest she secretly helps him go on the run

The triads nearly catch him and kill him, but he gets to Bolin’s new apartment in time

Have Bolin not be an idiot – after Mako warns him, he recognises who Varrick is. They’re actually really similar – both using a ridiculous personality to distract people

Bolin is the one to turn Mako in because he’s playing the long game, and recognises that in a holding cell Mako is safer than out on the streets where the Triads (and, he fears, Varrick, if the problem isn’t solved) are more likely to kill him

Life on the inside is still rough – explore that, have Mako be confronted by old acquaintances from his childhood, Equalists, and triads he’s put away as a cop. (He tries out some of his corny lines on them as a coping mechanism)

Now the brothers’ original dynamic is flipped – Bolin is the one supporting/protecting Mako as much as he can (sending in mover fan art as moral support etc.) Build the contrast between their lives – Mako in the gutter and Bolin living the high life.

Don’t prolong the love triangle – Makorra breaks up midway through the season, that’s it. Asami kisses him (?) but she feels really guilty about it because at this point she really respects Korra, so they don’t start dating again. No amnesia when Korra comes back. That’s it. Done.

RAAVA AND VAATU

Obviously explore Wan’s story more – maybe a four-part mini-movie like the ATLA finale. Explore Vaatu’s influence on humans, so Korra understands what he did to Unalaqq; have her sympathise and feel sorry for him

Establish the idea of Gaana, the original, primordial harmony spirit that split into Raava and Vaatu

A big complaint about Raava is she overwrites the explanation of the avatar cycle in ATLA as the combination of all the past Avatars’ knowledge. In this version, combine the two – make it clear that everyone reincarnates (Sozin into Zuko, Gyatso into Momo) but the Avatar is the only one who can communicate with their past lives, through Raava

During the finale let's see the chaos Harmonic Convergence is causing - Dark Spirits terrorising the world as in the third act of Ghostbusters

Also Asami goes ham with tons of gadgets she’s been developing with Varrick, and a customised plane, instead of sitting on the benches. She gets Jinora to the healing hut and then gets back just in time to bomb Unavaatu after he’s destroyed Raava, stopping him killing Korra’s physical form too. She takes Korra back to the Spirit World and the Tree of Time.

#avatar the last airbender #the legend of korra #korra #makorra #korrasami #bolin #mako #asami sato #asami #lin beifong #kuvira #zutara #raava #vaatu #aang #tenzin #kya #bumi #katara #zuko #fanfiction #fanfic #my writing #avatar #avatar korra #avatar aang #rewrite #fix it fic

[iamphella]

The Difference A Year Makes

I almost titled this “the difference a tear makes” but that would’ve been corny and forced. Sometimes you just need to relax. But that other title would’ve been appropriate because there really are different types of tears and different levels of crying. I’ll explain.

About a year ago (spring 2018), I was in what I can now describe as the late stages of a dark period that seemed to have gone on forever. It began in the Fall of 2017, possibly before then, and got very ugly in the winter of 2017. I spent my New Year’s Eve in my bedroom by myself with such incredible brain fog and just pain and doubt and worry and wondering if it would ever end. It wasn’t pretty or fun and even putting myself in that place now as I write this makes me wanna stop writing, but let’s continue.

As I’m working my way through the haze in Spring of last year and trying to step back into the light, one of the things that helped me and gave me a shot of hope was this lengthy interview Charlamagne tha God did with Kanye West. I can’t remember everything in the interview, but there was a part where Kanye went into his mental and physical breakdown from 2016, an event that kind of threw me off for a second when it first occured. I was on some hilly sidewalk close to downtown LA when my mom called me and said “you heard Kanye West was rushed to the hospital?” I finished up what I was doing then got on my phone to get the details and while I was a bit worried, my faith which was still in tact at the time, didn’t let me worry much. I knew he’d be good because his story still had much more to come.

Back to last year and the interview. The interview came at a time when I was a crying machine (see attached photos). After a near decade-long drought of never feeling much of anything, I was feeling everything all at once and it just wouldn’t stop. For at least a month between April and May I cried at least once everyday. I felt alone and I was in pain and just wanted to know when and how it would be over. In his interview, Ye talked about how that episode led to him losing his confidence. He talked about how what led up to it was basically taking on too much. Being the person who has to be there for everyone, not sleeping or eating right, stressing, not fully healing from emotional traumas, the list goes on. 

As Kanye told it to Charlamagne, you can see someone who once thought himself to be invincible who came face to face with his own mortality and how it can all really be over just like that. That was similar to what happened to me and I could completely relate. I was just going about my life, kind of feeling exhausted mentally and physically but still trying to be there for everyone and then the next thing you know, ambulance, hospital, mental and physical shutdown, wondering how you got there. Then months and months of isolation wondering how to get back to your old form or create a new one. Questioning everything about life as you knew it.

I fought tooth and nail for months to get the old me back. I wanted to erase the pain of everything that happened. Not just from the episode but dating as far back as my adolescent years. There was a lot of stuff I never really stopped to unpack. I had been carrying it with me for so long and with such a rigorous daily schedule, I never noticed that that’s what was weighing me down emotionally. I thought it was just the norm for me to feel so detached. Only while unpacking, did I see where a lot of my thoughts and feelings (or lack thereof) stemmed from. And I was doing all this unpacking, mental and physical rehabilitation, without the aid of any kind of therapist or doctor or any medication. That was another part of the interview that struck a chord. Kanye talked about how he wasn’t seeing a therapist and didn’t like taking medication because of how they made him feel (note: please see a therapist or doctor and take medication if you believe you need it. There’s absolutely no shame in it and it’s actually the wise thing to do if you need it.)

I was relying on some of my trusted methods to get me into feeling like an actual human again. God first. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Music. Any music that was positive or spiritual or soulful or had anything to do with pain and loss and love and life, I listened to on repeat. I couldn’t socialize or work, so the music was basically my only thing to do. That and watching sports. I meditated. I created a routine and stuck to it. Began using my social media apps a little more actively and cleaned up any kind of content that would trigger me or make me feel lesser because of what I was dealing with (there was a lot to clean up). I became comfortable with uncomfortable conversations and set boundaries for people around me. For the first time ever I also learned how to say no without feeling guilty.

Realizing that you mean a lot to a lot of people will reshape how you go about life. A lot of things suffered because of me not being myself. I came to the realization that it’s actually a selfless act to protect my well being so that I can be of service to the world like I was meant to be. We are all needed. Being in a prolonged “dark space” or being weakened mentally or physically causes a ripple effect on many more lives than we can imagine. It’s like a lightbulb that has a broken switch. You’re there but you’re not lighting the way for others to see clearer. You see them stumbling and kicking things and you know that you can easily help, but the switch needs to be fixed and needs to be protected from being broken again. 

I don’t wanna make this any longer than it needs to be and I don’t like talking about myself for this long so I’ll start to bring it home. Almost all the books I read and the videos I watched during my healing always emphasized SERVICE. I remember Will Smith preaching the importance of service so I’ve always believed in it and I’ve basically spent my life serving. But I didn’t realize that the absence of serving was partly what caused my breakdown and what was keeping me there.

I needed to feel like I was of use to the world again. Needed to start doing things to positively affect others. Whether in my family, in my community, online, wherever there was a need. The more I did that, the stronger I became and the more my confidence began to restore. Parts of the old me that needed to come back were coming back, the parts that needed to be shed were shed and were making room for new habits and new ways of thinking and being.

This past Easter weekend was extremely powerful. night I had a haircut appointment set up with my friend and barber for about a decade when I’m home on the east coast. As I was rushing to get to his shop, I accidentally left my phone at home. Me 6 months ago wouldn’t even want to go to that barbershop. It’s at the mall, so many familiar faces who knew me before I got broken down by life. Why go there when I can go to any generic barber and get a decent cut? Me a year ago wouldn’t even go to the mailbox without my phone. What if my body shuts down on me again and I have an emergency? What if this? What if that? But Saturday night there was none of that. I was good. I was confident. I was....me. Went and kicked it with my guy, got a nice cut, went in the mall and then came home and watched some incredible basketball games. Hardly a worry in the world.

The next morning--Easter Sunday--I woke up early and starving. I shared Happy Easter greetings with my family and friends then headed to a brunch spot to get breakfast. Everything was so peaceful and serene. The girl at the bar taking my order didn’t seem to be in the best mood, but I didn’t let it change my vibration. I know she’s up early on a Holiday making drinks for people and taking food orders to make some money. Not being all smiles is definitely understandable. I spoke politely to her and tipped as best as I could then I left and returned thirty minutes later to grab the food.

Headed home and set up my battle station to watch Kanye West’s Sunday Service at Coachella. For the past year since the Charlamagne interview, I’ve watched Kanye slowly gain his confidence and his swagger back. From ranting at TMZ and in the Oval Office to selling sneakers at a Lemonade stand with his children for mental health awareness, to the weekly Sunday Services where he and friends and family gather to sing praises and dance. I’ve seen him skateboarding, go to Tokyo to hang out with his old friend Dave Chappelle, seen him stumble through his raps in the few live performances he has done (SNL and Camp Flog Gnaw). I’ve seen him basically just be human. I’ve seen him healing while simultaneously I was going through my own healing. I’ve seen try to be of service to people because that’s what we need to do to feel fulfilled.

The show starts. It’s everything you expect from a Kanye West show when all the chips are on the table. The fans were read; the curious folks were too. The doubters and the critics already began to build narratives and telling people what to think about an event yet to take place. But none of that mattered on this Sunday. When you’re called to serve, you’re called to served and that is your only mission. Everything else can be addressed later or never addressed at all. 

The music was big and bright. The clothes were dull, I would assume by design. Almost like everyone there was covered up but naked at the same time. There was nothing to distract from the mission: to give praise for healing, for overcoming, for the strength and wisdom to navigate through trials and tribulations, both past and the ones to come. It was a bunch of creative people from all walks of life going to tell it on the mountain. There was no hierarchy. Everyone was on a level from the security guards to the Coachella attendees to Kim Kardashian to Kanye himself. The cameras never focused on any one person for longer than two minutes. This wasn’t to be watched. It was to be experienced. It wasn’t to be judged. It was to be partaken in. 

And partake I did. As the huge blueberry pancakes and spinach omelette I just downed were settling in, my spirit was being lifted by the moment. Every sound was reminding me of how far I had come. Every person’s smiles and dance steps was contagious and made me smile and dance. And then came the one brief moment where the music stopped. Chance the Rapper had just flawlessly delivered his verse from Kanye West’s “Ultralight Beam” which was a moment in itself. Chano from 79th standing on a platform being proudly looked at by his Chicago idol. This is the stuff hip-hop dreams are made of. Chance steps down and DMX steps up. Yes, young Chance the Rapper who just recently came into fame in the last half a decade is being followed by legendary Earl Simmons at Coachella in 2019 and it doesn’t seem weird at all because we know why X is there. A video went viral three weeks prior of DMX delivering one of his signature prayers at Kanye’s Sunday Service gathering. 

Now it was time for X to deliver on the big stage. Probably the first time in life where I saw DMX look a little bit nervous. He once was a headliner at Woodstock in front of a crowd of 200,000+ people so this wasn’t exactly new territory. But that was in 1999--two decades ago. Before he had to prematurely let go of the chokehold he once held on the rap game. That was before the memes of him breaking down crying on reality shows about his childhood, marital struggles and drug addiction. That didn’t matter on Sunday. DMX was there to perform a service and a sermon and he quickly shook off the nerves and did exactly that. My mom even called me later and said “that DMX needs to be given a church; he’s gifted.” 

As X stepped down from the highest platform on the mountain and the choir and band were beginning to rev back up, the camera pans to Kanye West with his face buried in his hands crying unconsolably. I was already having an emotional and spiritual weekend and the Chance the Rapper portion was already making me feel all kinds of proud, just to be a child of hip-hop and just be alive. But then within seconds of seeing Kanye cry, and DMX and Kid Cudi-- two of the biggest survivors the music industry has ever seen--place hands on him to comfort him, the tears began to form in my eyes. Yes, it’s as cheesy as it sounds and I was really laughing at myself but I couldn’t stop it. Other choir members, men and women, were crying also. Everybody for their own personal reason that doesn’t need explanation. 

My tears from a year ago were from pain and from confusion. My tears on Easter Sunday (also known as the day of Resurrection) were from triumph and clarity, and optimism and gratefulness. The people on that mountain had done it. I had done it. God, especially, has done it and will continue to do it. And that shift in perspective, and then in reality, is the difference that a year can make. 

Peace and Love

#Life #Healing #Music #Easter Sunday #Coachella #Kanye West #Sunday Service #Service

[mtcaz]

Reflections from Ahran Lee

Ahran Lee was the artist-in-residence at Mt Caz during March of 2019. She was drawn to Mt Caz for the spaciousness and slowness it could offer her as she pondered questions about what sustainability looks like for an artist in today’s culture of go-go-go. The rainy wintery days of March were much needed for all of us. We are grateful that Ahran trusted us to hold space for her residency, and we are excited for the alchemy that occurred during our time together.

Here are some reflections in her own words, after the jump:

I came to Mt. Caz to reflect on my relationship to my process. Specifically, I wanted to examine how rest affects my creative spirit. Rest and reflection are vital elements to any creative process but sorely lacked in my own. What was it about rest that seemed elusive in my practice?

Since last May I’ve been struggling with a block. I wanted to make art but the muscle memory of how I used to work wouldn’t shake, and consequently, squashed my desire to make. I was so used to making art at the expense of my mental and physical health that it was more like an addiction than an art practice. Being hyper productive at all costs was my modus operandi. I would sit at my desk for hours, back hunched over, taking little to no breaks. What drove this pattern of behavior? On an ego level, I craved a self defined identity (detached from roles of daughter, wife, and other monikers I didn’t choose but were given to me) and being an artist felt the most freeing and an accessible entry point into self-assuredness. I also wanted to belong to a community of other artists. And it seemed like nonstop production was the currency to gain access into these communities. So I worked obsessively to put my artwork on social media platforms. It promised opportunities and exposure so it seemed like a natural place to grow my artist legs. I quickly learned that social media never stops. So I didn’t want to either. It didn’t seem like my artist peers were hindered by it or let alone questioning social media’s toxic affects on art. Resting felt wrong, even detrimental to my harder-better-faster-stronger practice I was cultivating. Unsurprisingly, I became reliant on social media. The likes and hashtags became cat nip for my insecure artist self. I let social media dictate how much to produce, when to produce, and what strategic messages to inject into my work to drive traffic to my tiny virtual corners on the internet. My practice was entirely governed by social media. My work no longer felt true to me and I started to lose the joy of creating. The dread of making art was so alarming that I couldn’t confront it initially. Art making became so precious to me that I relied on the rigid ways of thinking, making, and sharing my art. No rest, just make. No quiet, constant uploading. My body was screaming for rest yet my mind registered that as “that’s weakness talking, just push through the pain.” It felt like I was on a high speed train that wouldn’t stop unless it crashed into something. And, indeed, the metaphor became reality and I suffered a back injury from sitting too much at my desk. I was forced out of commission by my own body. This down time became open season for my demons to wreak havoc. Self critical judgments took residence in my art heart, art brain.

I used to wonder what other artists meant when they’d say things like, “every piece I make has a little piece of me in it.” I believe your process and work reflects back to you exactly where you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Your process has a way of showing you what your demons are, and if you’re not observant of how those demons affect you, it affects the quality of your work and the relationship to your creativity. When I look at the work I made during my hyper productivity period, I see obsession, perfectionism, and desperation. I initially blamed social media as the main villain who robbed me of creative joy. With hindsight, I know now that was a scared me trying to deny the real work that was ahead of me. I had to dive into my inner world and have tea with my shadows to seek answers. When the mind is allowed to run amok, all it does is generate noise. No spaciousness, only anxiety. What exactly about social media is harming my relationship to creating and my process? How do I unlearn these habits?

When the demons got too loud, it became clear to me that I needed an escape from my familiar environment. So I came to Mt. Caz to seek quiet and rest. If my mind couldn’t figure it out, why not let my tired body lead the way? The initial reintroduction to quiet and rest was comical and awkward at times during my stay at Mt Caz. I celebrated seemingly trivial joys of the mundane such as jumping on my bed for shits and giggles and taking a nap. These felt like huge victories because it meant that my body was acclimating to the healing medicine of rest. In between these moments of celebrating, however, I also experienced guilt around needing and engaging in rest. I felt like I didn’t deserve it, my imposter syndrome was at a level 10, and I had trouble sleeping the first couple of nights in Terra Incognita. I even started to force myself into making art when it wasn’t satisfying. I thought I was wasting my time not making art at an artist residency. Even with Christina and Albert’s blessings that I didn’t need to justify my residency by creating something, I felt insecure about doing nothing. Am I still an artist when I’m not making anything? Where do I get my motivation to make if social media isn’t a dominant part of my practice? I gave up on the grandiose ideas of making new work at Mt Caz and forced myself to rest and sit with whatever demon came up to chat with me. The more I resisted the rest, the more anxious my mind got, and the self critical voice got louder.

Maybe it was the actual lack of noise pollution in Corvallis. Maybe it was the forces of the winter cold that made me more present minded and aware of the natural space I was occupying. Maybe it was the consistency of Albert’s work schedule and morning routines that grounded me in an otherwise structureless time-space. Maybe it was the sounds of Christina’s shuffling house slippers that felt soothing. Maybe it was the nightly dinner conversations between the three of us that invigorated my mind in a different way. Maybe it was learning how to play an ukulele and feeling musically vulnerable with Christina and Albert. Maybe it was just being in an unfamiliar space. Maybe it was meeting other creatives and talking about their creative struggles. Maybe it was the aimless walks I took in the Mt Caz neighborhood. Maybe it was Christina and Albert’s permission to not make that finally sunk in.  Maybe it was playing to just play. It was the totality of the aforementioned that led me to just be. Doing anything and nothing, whenever, wherever, without judgement. The anxiety noise around not making subsided once I surrendered to rest. Eventually, my body started to guide my decision making, not my mind.

I dropped into my body and I could finally hear myself again. The message was loud and clear: when you surrender to rest, spaciousness manifests. And when the body experiences nourishing rest, the quality of your work and process gets revitalized. I jokingly called my AIR as rehab or a detoxing experience. It really did feel that way. The withdrawal, emotional and psychological angst, the frustration and impatience, the resistance to stillness and quiet, the self hating, and then the unexpected peace and clarity. I remembered what it was like to know what I want, separate from the illusory shoulds I create to justify aimless productivity.

The biggest takeaway from my Mt Caz AIR experience was that I returned to myself. I could hear myself without distractions. I cultivated a body conscious knowing. I read the introduction to Pema Chödrön’s “When Things Fall Apart” before coming to Mt Caz and wished so desperately that I too could surrender to rest. And I think I got a glimpse of what Pema was talking about:

“It was the most spiritually inspiring time of my life. Pretty much all I did was relax. I read and hiked and slept. I cooked and ate, meditated and wrote. I had no schedule, no agenda, and no ‘shoulds.’ A lot got digested during this completely open and uncharted time.”

~Ahran Lee

If you would like to hear more from Ahran, catch her on Episode 4 (”Don’t Forget the Joy”) and Episode 6 (”Finding Inspiration is a Practice”) of our podcast Dispatches from Mt Caz.

#mtcaz #artist residency #reflections

[dharma-journey]

Archangels

While cleaning my home's floor this morning, I listened to the Law of Positivism podcast's last episode about Archangels. I was inspired to write this post about the Archangels that have influenced my spiritual calling. 

A few years ago, after my right knee surgery, I suffered from chronic anxiety and depression. I felt I lost my life purpose until I went back to practice yoga. While researching other holistic medicine methods to help with my mental health, I found on Facebook a Halloween event where I met a Reiki master named Jessica Prestia. I connected so much with her that I started to go to her Reiki sessions on Dancing Lion, Delray Beach. 

In one of her sessions, she mentioned Archangel Miguel and his powerful ability to protect and provide strength to anyone who calls up to him. I am Catholic, so I was familiar with Archangels, but I have never been interested in looking for their healing abilities. Therefore, when Jessica called up Archangel Michael, it was like an "aha" moment for me. Since then, I have felt a strong connection with Archangels, especially Archangel Michael and Archangel Raphael. 

Let's start with the main Archangel I work with, Archangel Michael. He is a powerful protector and warrior. His name means "Power of God," which makes sense because he led the battle against the army of fallen angels. I call upon him when I need protection against fears or clear dark energies or energetic cords from other people. I am an empath, so I call upon Archangel Michael frequently. Also, I call upon him when I feel I have lost my life purpose or my dharma. Almost every day, I listen to meditations about Archangel Michael to tap into his divine energy and listen to his messages. I had a lot of "aha" moments while I meditated with his meditations. Also, I can visualize Royal Blue and Purple colors associated with the third eye and crown chakras. Because I am a Crystal Healing practitioner student, I had researched crystals that connect with Archangel Michael, and I found Clear Quartz (Master Healer stone) and Blue Goldstone are associated with him. 

The other Archangel I work with is Archangel Raphael, who is the "Healer of God." I mainly call upon him for healing which can be emotionally, mentally, or physically. I am a Reiki 2 practitioner so that I can provide Reiki to other people. However, I mainly practice Reiki on myself and my dog Duffy. Due to Archangel Raphael's healing abilities, I always call upon him when I practice Reiki on myself and Duffy. As I listen to the meditations of Archangel Michael, I also listen to the meditations of Archangel Raphael to enhance healing. Usually, while meditating with Archangel Rapahel's meditations, I can visualize the emerald green color associated with healing and the heart chakra. The crystals associated with Archangel Raphael are Malachite and Green Aventurine, associated with healing and heart chakra.

I believe Archangel Michael and Archangel Raphael have always been with me, but I need a moment of profound awakening, such as my right knee, to feel their presence and begin my dharma journey.

#dharmajourneyblog archangels archangelmichael archangelraphael protectionandhealingarchangels