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strlingsav · 5 months

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I need some... toe curling, mouth watering, hair ripping, blood spiking, heart racing, jaw clenching, rough, creamy, absolute filthy Simon...

Tension, tension, tension girl I'm feening

OKAY !! I'll do it!! A little drabble (not rly a drabble) just for you!

Fighting

– Simon "Ghost" Riley x F!Reader

— Yourself and Simon have an argument.

Explicit sexual content under the cut. Read at your own risk.

It was like running in circles- endlessly tired, exhausted, and finding yourself in the same fucking place you were when you started. It felt like nothing you ever had to say was reason enough to convince him to change. It was a tireless fight, begging Simon for more affection, more time, more attention than he was able to give.

It didn't stop the irritation from building, though. It crept under your skin when he'd sit on the sofa watching the TV instead of talking with you. When he'd get ready for bed and fall asleep without so much as a "goodnight".

You'd certainly grown sick of the distance. Of feeling like a stranger was living with you. Trying your hardest not to take up space or make a single noise for fear of pushing him even further away. Living in your home had turned into an abysmal state you didn't want to put yourself in.

It hadn't crossed your mind to approach him- not until you'd finally reached your wit's end, finally cracked the porcelain facade that had been saving your relationship. Not anymore.

He didn't expect it- in fact, things were fine, to him. Admittedly, his mind was elsewhere, though he had a good excuse; the toll of deployment. He needed a good reset, a recharge, and in the meantime, he had neglected you. Unintentionally, of course, but still, he'd made you feel unwanted, unloved- nearly a burden.

Your patience had snapped, run so thin it finally tore like a thread under tension. Though he thought nothing of it- his hands had taken hold of your waist, pulling you into his chest as you finished the dishes in the sink. You knew by the rigidity in his muscles and soft breaths against the back of your neck; he wanted you.

Any other time, you wouldn't resist him. The warmth of his palms, the smell of his body- he could pull arousal from even the deepest parts of you. Though now, you recoiled from his touch. You shrunk yourself down, pressing against the counter until he released his grip.

"You tired?" He asked.

You scoffed, so quiet and meek it was nearly pathetic. You were still afraid to say the wrong thing, to send him packing.

"No," You shook your head. Honesty was important, but you weren't sure you were ready to have this argument. So you settled for half-truths and cowardice.

His hands once again reached your hips, large fingers digging into your skin, wrapping a giant forearm around your middle as he pulled you into him.

"You want me to beg?" He mumbled in your ear- so clearly turned on by the idea of begging for a piece of you.

Your eyes clamped shut, swallowing harshly as you tried to resist temptation. It felt good, so fucking good, to feel his hands on you again, to have his voice in your ear, his soft breaths against your skin. You could've crumbled then and there, fallen into him and let him have what he wanted- but your body had a way of preventing such weakness.

You were sad. Instead of utterly aroused, soaking your panties, you felt sick, nauseous. It lodged in your throat, stung at your eyes and twisted your face into a look of contempt.

"You want me now?" You asked, slipping from his grip and throwing your dish towel on the counter.

He raised a brow, watching you. "Thought I was bein' obvious."

"You were," You nodded, your hand finding the counter for balance. "But you just pick and choose when you want me, right?"

His brows furrowed, and he took a step back to allow for some space between you.

"What's that s'posed to mean?" He tilted his head, eyeing you down.

Your heart had begun to race, your chest heaving to keep up with the pulse in your ears.

"You haven't touched me in weeks," You breathed out. "Haven't hardly said a word to me in weeks."

He sighed, hanging his head briefly. His eyes met yours and he nodded slowly.

"Takes time to get myself reacquainted after bein' gone. Thought you understood," He muttered.

"Don't blame me for this," You scoffed, though this time it was audible and poignant. "You want to fuck me but you won't spend time with me? Talk to me?"

He raised his brows in shock, tilting his head as if it could allow him another lead to follow. He stepped closer, trapping you between his arms with your back against the counter. You avoided his eyes, avoided letting him see the tears gathering in your waterline.

"I do wanna fuck you," He answered. His eyes glowered at you, menacing and almost threatening.

Your jaw clenched. A look of disgust crossing your features.

"You think if I didn't fuck you it'd change anything?" He asked, watching your eyes meet his. "You been missin' my attention, sweetheart? I know I miss bein' inside you."

You huffed, nostrils flaring as he brought his lips to your neck. Your hand reached his chest, using all your strength to push him off- he remained a statue, still pinning you against the counter.

"Don't fight me," He murmured. "I know you're mad- needy," He pressed his lips against your jaw, hunched over enough that he could whisper in your ear. "I'll make it up to you, love."

You wanted to roll your eyes, but his voice called to you like a Siren- it nearly made your eyes close to savour just how good it sounded to be taken care of. To be touched, fucked, by him again.

"I missed you," You admitted, still soured by his behaviour. "And you just want to fuck me."

He drew his hand up your side, his large hand encasing your waist.

"Missed you too," He said, like it was obvious. "Can't miss you and want you at the same time?"

His lips were inches from yours, forming a small, nearly unnoticeable smile. He liked the fight, the rejection; it only made him work harder for an even sweeter reward. His fingers worked open the button of your jeans, causing you to stutter.

"Y-you can," You trailed off, your head falling back as he sensuously dragged his lips up your neck, teeth softly scraping your flesh.

"Then what's the problem?" He mumbled.

You sighed, relaxing into his arms as his hand swiftly dove beneath your panties and his fingertips pressed against your clit.

Despite your adamant denial, you were wet. Pulsating, sore, desperate and needy. He was right- you missed his attention. Yearned so deeply for it, it nearly hurt.

His fingers drew soft circles around your clit, your body jolting with every rotation, your knees weakening against him. He had no qualms about holding you up while he touched you, nor when his fingers slid inside you so easily it made him chuckle.

"I'll take proper care of you, sweetheart," He said softly.

His lips met yours, in the middle of a gasp, fighting you to move your lips against his, accept his tongue in your mouth. You did- without hesitation, and let your hands glide over his shoulders so he could hold you up.

"Simon," You muttered. "More- please," You breathed into his neck.

Your hips rocked against his hand, his fingers deep in your pussy, throbbing around his digits while he coaxed whimpers and moans out of you. Your arousal was evident, loud echoes off the apartment walls of the mess he'd made of you.

He loved it. Loved hearing how fucking turned on you were. Loved that your pussy got wet so easily without more than a few strokes of his fingers. Loved that you clenched around his fingers and struggled to get closer, grasped at his shoulders and ground your hips to get more out of him. He liked setting the pace, though. Wanted to watch you cry and beg to go faster, harder.

He'd give you relief with his cock, instead. Wouldn't want to waste the feeling of your pussy tightening around him- it always made him cum even harder when you milked his cock. He withdrew his fingers, forcefully lifting you from the ground.

He entrapped your lips with his again, trudging down the dark hallway until he found the light of your bedroom and kicked the door open. He set you down, lifting his shirt over his head so you could run your hands over his abdomen.

You shivered, his broad shoulders flexing, swaying as he maneuvered toward you, forcing the back of your knees to hit the bed. You fell back, sitting on the bed and staring up at him expectantly.

"Turn over," He ordered, watching with amusement as you scurried to land on all fours.

Your head peered over your shoulder, lowering yourself to the bed as he stepped behind you. His belt clanked as he pulled it open, tugging his jeans down to reveal his cock. He'd been struggling with his own desire- as much as he'd missed you, he couldn't ever properly fuck you unless he knew he would be totally, completely present.

He ran his palms over your ass, drawing a shudder from your body as the warmth crept further up your waist. He lined himself up with your weeping cunt, slowly working his way inside with short, soft thrusts until his hips met your ass.

You were breathless- mouth agape, eyes fluttering shut as his cock nudged your cervix, stretching you out enough that your body erupted with goosebumps. He grunted softly at the feel of your pussy around him, the deliciously wet, plush walls inadvertently pulling him in. He too, shuddered, then bent at the waist to mould his chest to your back.

"'M sorry," He breathed against your shoulder blades. "Been neglectin' you."

It didn't bother you that Simon apologized when he was inside you- he was already vulnerable, already bearing himself to you; the apology sent warmth radiating through you.

"It's okay," You slurred, twisting your body to find his dark eyes already watching you. "Don't stop," You muttered, breathing out. "Just don't stop, baby- please," You moaned out, guttural and breathless while his thrusts pushed you forward on your hands.

His soft lips touched your shoulder, wrapping an arm beneath you to pull your back even closer, using his other hand to adjust the flesh of your ass so he could bury his cock even deeper inside you.

"Neglected this sweet fuckin' cunt too," He groaned. "Can never stay away from you- never get enough."

You sighed aloud, especially as his cock withdrew from your walls, leaving you empty and hollow- before sliding back inside. His arm moved to cling around your waist, his hard fingers sliding down your stomach to rub at your swollen clit fervidly.

"Don't do it again," You chided, though with half of your usual authority while he rutted his hips up against you. "I missed you," You muttered.

He left another gentle kiss against your shoulder, now breathing a bit heavier in your ear. You could feel the Adonis belt of his abdomen hit your ass, his dick angled just right as it rubbed inside you, his calloused fingers rubbing back and forth across your clit; your stomach had begun to tighten.

"Missed you too," He uttered, exhaling sharply when your pussy clenched around him. "Bloody fuckin' hell I missed you."

"Simon-" You gasped, your climax approaching at an unexpected pace while his words hit your ear, warm breath tingling your skin. "Keep going- I'm so close," You whined, your hips pushing backwards to force him inside you, faster, harder.

"Christ, love," He grunted. "Keep doin' that, 'n' I'm fuckin' done in," He chuckled, short and deep, hardly long enough for you to notice, but it moved through your back.

You came shortly after- knuckles white with the strength of your grip on the sheets, lips parted in a gasp, a heavy groan vibrating from your chest. Your stomach tensed, pussy tightening around his cock in short bursts, making his hips stutter with every thrust. As your eyes clenched shut, a black abyss of swirls and stars appearing behind your eyelids, you breathed out finally.

He wasn't far behind, finishing inside you as he always did, though he stayed still for a moment after, catching his breath. And when he finally came down from his climax, he fell to the bed, pulling you into his arms.

A soft kiss on your temple, his dick still lodged inside your worn pussy, coated with his cum, and he muttered a quiet, 'Night, love. We'll talk in the mornin'."

#cod mw2 #simon riley #ghost x reader #cod mwii #ghost smut #mwii #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley smut #strlingsavwrites

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mondaymelon · 1 year

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— 𝗮𝗵, 𝗽𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝘂𝗽 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 …! ♥

:feat~ xiao, kazuha, wanderer x gn!reader:

⤷ just fluff and reader being dense af

ᴛᴀɢʟɪꜱᴛ (open!) : @manager-of-the-pudding-bank, @iamdedinside, @ilyuu, @achlysis

When you're dense as fuck and not picking up on any of their hints...

XIAO is clearly not one to show emotion often.

Yet, when it comes to you, he tries to convey his feelings properly in the best way he can... it's just that-

You seem to be so impossibly oblivious?

That's not really a bother to the aloof man, since he can't exactly read emotions well either. He knows where you're coming from, and will try to give you the time you need.

Xiao's advances on the other hand... are... well, let's just say interesting. Ever since he had quietly asked Zhongli for some relationship advice, the man had been entangled in the two of you's association ever since, giving Xiao the most bewildering advice... to him, at least.

So now, every morning, the two of you drink tea together and watch the sun rise above the mountain peaks, per request of the adpetus. You didn't think much of it - it was more of an excuse just to spend more time with the man, and so you were happy to oblige.

Still, waking up every morning, this early... you can barely keep yourself from dozing off.

"Come to think of it, do you like the sunrise, Xiao? You must have a reason for constantly inviting me to meetings like this... ah- but I enjoy them, I promise you...!"

Xiao let a ghost of a smile play across his face. No, He wants to say to you. I do this because I want to see you. "Yes, the sunrise is beautiful indeed."

"Aha, I knew it! I never took you for someone as sentimental as that, but it's a welcome side of you!"

"...Mhm." But you are much more beautiful.

The silence that comes after is somehow comforting.

He doesn't know where these emotions have come from, or how they blossomed, but just by being in your presence they are nurtured, and by the day they grow.

And because he can't express it himself, he'll wait until the day you realize it. ♥

KAZUHA is someone whose words float like birdsong.

So when he quietly shows you all the poems he's written about you, face flushed merely think it's because of his eloquent language that you don't understand his feelings. After all, he does use quite the number of elaborate metaphors, so it would only make sense, right?

Yet, when he attempts to convey his feelings in a more blunt manner, that seems to somehow fail as well.

"Ah, you're so beautiful that I feel flustered." He lets out a quiet laugh, smiling at you.

"Thank you Kazuha! You're also very beautiful!"

"...Mhm."

And even...

"Hey, I like you."

"Aww, Kazuha, I like you too! We're really the best of friends, aren't we?"

The only thing that comes out of the male's mouth is an awkward laugh. Needless to say, now the truth grows apparent.

You're just really, really dense!

The white-haired male tries to show you through actions instead - holding your hand, walking you home, even going out on "dates", yet still nothing seems to work. All his hints have failed him, and there's only one choice left.

To tell you, directly, again.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Kazuha!" You smile so obviously.

"Romantically."

"...What?" You glance up at him with a dumbfounded expression, eyes wide.

"It's as simple as it sounds."

"Ah- W-w-wait- uhm-" You're stammering hard, now, and the heat that's rising to your face burns. "You... like me??" You voice comes out as an airy whisper.

"Yes, dove, and I'll say it as many times as it'll take." ♥

WANDERER is a little pissed off - which is reasonable.

He's clearly making it obvious, how can you be so stupid?? At this point, surely you're just playing stupid to make a mockery out of him, aren't you?

Playing games with him, of all people... well, that irks him even more than he already is.

And the fact that you seem to be completely unaware of his rage, somehow, makes it even worse!

He doesn't have many friends, but surely regular people don't keep "friends" as close to their heart as he does with you? You call him by his real name, and he treasures your being, but with the way you're acting so blissfully oblivious... he's just about fed up with your antics.

The last straw is when he accompanies you to do some commissions in Sumeru, one of them being to guard a package delivery from Gandharva Ville to Port Ormos. As the two of you walk up to the agreed meeting spot, the commissioner spots you and waves.

"Oh, there you are!" He grins, and something about the way he's acting all buddy-buddy makes Wanderer clench his fists silently. The tanned man turns to the other, wearing the same expression. "Haha, and you didn't tell me you were bringing your lover along as well!"

...What?

And just like that, all of his unexpected rage disappears as he shoots his gaze up, indigo eyes wide.

You laugh whole heartedly. "Nono, this is my best friend-"

"No, I'm their lover!"

You stay silent for the count of three, before speaking awkwardly. "Kuni, what are you-"

"I LIKE YOU, OKAY? UGH, WHY WON'T YOU GET IT ALREADY!! I THINK YOU'RE REALLY NICE AND REALLY PRETTY AND I WANT TO BE YOUR LOVER-!!" He's shouting, now, voice angry as heat rises to his cheeks.

Ah, the words just slipped out of his mouth.

The silence afterwards is suffocating.

The delivery man is the first to break it, clearing his throat before smiling awkwardly. "Uhm, I'll give you guys some space," before hurriedly running off.

"...Kuni, what was that you just said?" It seems the truth has begun to dawn on you, apparent through the way your cheeks are flushed and you won't meet his gaze.

"Dummy- you heard me!" ♥

(a/n) wanderer is so silly

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hunny-beann · 5 months

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Desiderium I

Loki Laufeyson x f!Reader

-> Part II

Note: This fic absolutely breaks cannon in multiple ways, but I felt the urge to write this and created it thus lol, so I hope you enjoy regardless (and for my own sanity, we'll just call this an avenger!Loki au).

Synopsis:

Loki is plagued by a dream thrust upon him as punishment during his imprisonment, and finds that even once he regains his freedom, he still can't move past the vision of the life he could have had with you. And when those around him struggle to understand his sorrows, he decides to show them firsthand what he endured while asleep that night, and all that he lost both by waking up, and by making all of the wrong choices for far too long.

Oh, but it's never truly over, is it?

And your sudden reappearance proves that.

Warnings: Angst, mentions of pregnancy

Word Count: 5,057

"Does he ever stop sulking?"

Tony muttered under his breath after sparing a quick glance toward the aesir God of Mischief that sat in the corner of the room, staring into a cloud of green created by his own hand with a type of longing he had worn almost constantly for months now.

At first, many had thought his sullen nature to be a result of his capture and subsequent imprisonment, but even now that he was far more free to roam and do what he pleased (within reason), his somber attitude still had yet to let up.

In fact, some would even swear that it had gotten worse.

The God of Thunder included, and also in particular.

From the beginning, Thor had perhaps been the biggest defender of his younger brother, and of course he had, how could he not be?

But even still, when it came to the questioning of Loki's less than enthusiastic (and at times, borderline concerning) behavior, Thor somehow managed to become even more defensive of his confusing family member and all of the quirks that he seemed to have.

This occasion included.

He turned toward Anthony Edward Stark with a slight frown, a sigh that seemed reserved purely for situations concerning Loki passing his lips,

"All of this has been rather... difficult for him. There is much that he misses about our realm, and even more that he has lost."

Tony rose a brow at that, fighting back a groan at the seemingly constant dramatics of the "Odinson" siblings.

Who would have thought that two gods could be so annoyingly theatrical?

"A lot of people have lost a lot of things, Point Break. Some of them at his hand, in case you need a reminder."

Tony muttered, struggling to find sympathy for the green themed deity sitting across the room, a look of deep longing and sorrow in his gaze as he continued staring into the cloud of his own creation.

Thor sighed again.

"I do not, Stark, nor does my brother. He had a multitude of things revealed to him in dreams delivered by the gods whilst locked away. He is... Not the same."

Tony sighed, shrugging his shoulders as he tried to return his focus toward what he'd been doing before he'd made the mistake of mentioning Loki to his older brother.

"Whatever you say, big guy. Just do me a favor though and ask him if he can practice his daily sulking rituals somewhere else. His whole 'woe is me' vibe makes it a little hard to focus."

Thor sighed again at his comrade's obvious lack of compassion toward his clearly suffering sibling, but he nodded nonetheless.

"I will see what I can do, Stark."

And with that, he was taking familiarly heavy steps toward Loki, each growing more hesitant than the last as he took in the full sight of him.

It was no wonder that Tony found his presence to be so distracting, because in truth, you could all but feel his angst rolling off of him in waves, strong and undeniably present in a manner that almost made the god himself shiver.

It was not easy for the god of mischief, what he was going through, but perhaps even Thor himself had managed to underestimate it.

Perhaps he should have been even more concerned than he already was.

"Loki."

He said stiffly upon his approach, watching as the god in question briefly glanced in his direction in acknowledgement before returning his gaze back to his seidr.

"I sympathize greatly with your sorrows, and I wish truly that I could do away with them for you, but a request has been made for you to better contain your bereavements, if possible, and I think it would be best for you to try."

Thor said calmly, though he could see as plain as day that his words had done no good, a fact made evident by the way that his brother turned to look at him, as if both wounded and infuriated at the very same time.

What a familiar look that was for the mischief god to wear these days.

He stood, green cloud disappearing as he did so, his hands clenched into tight fists at his sides.

"Do you believe somehow that I have not already done all that I can to contain my grief, you blithering fool?"

He all but hissed, anger controlling his words but a deep and pervasive sadness evident in his eyes, allowing the god of thunder to see far beyond the ruse his sibling was attempting to put up.

Loki was hurting, perhaps beyond anything that he had endured before, and Thor was unsure if that could have been made any more clear.

The god of mischief took a step closer, slowly, threateningly, as if he might frighten the being standing before him, the only one present that had ever truly seen the good in him, the angel before the fall.

A trickster to be sure, but the villain that he so desperately tried to make himself out to be? Thor could not see such a thing, not in the eyes of one he had grown up alongside of.

Not in his brother, regardless of blood.

Regardless of what was said or done.

"You haven't the slightest clue what I have endured, and yet you have the gall to request that I reign in my pain, as if it is not all that has been left of me? All that has not been so crudely taken?"

He snarled, coming closer, ignoring the heavy gaze of Anthony Stark as it landed upon him, and choosing to pay no mind to the fact that he had undoubtedly called the others in, a fact made clear by the large number of footfalls that grew nearer and nearer by the second.

Maybe Tony was simply a fool made cautious by what he had seen the god do in the past, or maybe he just wished to not be the only audience for this particular spat.

Either way, it mattered not to Loki.

The god in question was far too tired, far too angry, and far too confused to let such a disrespect as this pass.

If they did not understand, then he would make them, and maybe then they could comprehend the realness, the immense depth and crushing weight of his pain.

The burden he bore.

The reaping of what he had sowed long ago, without even realizing it.

The universe had never been fair, not to him, and it was apparent now that such a truth had persevered from the very start.

Back before his title had meant more than a whisper to him, before he had felt the need to prove he was more.

When there had been so much more kindness in his heart and light in his life.

When there had been hope,

When there had been you.

Thor put his hands up defensively, though how secure he truly felt in spite of this almost entirely symbolic and pleading gesture was made clear by his tone, which was pitying in every sense of the word.

"Calm down, brother, I meant no disrespect. I simply feel a deep worry for you, I do not want to watch you suffer any longer. It is a heavy weight upon me to know that you are so burdened."

He said appealingly, eyes full of a type of plea and concern that, once upon a time, might have caused the god of mischief to think for a moment, and perhaps even halt his actions altogether.

But now was not then, and after all that he had seen, all that was now and could have been, he found that his brother's words only served to make him angrier.

"You feel a heavy weight, do you?"

He said darkly, stalking ever forward, even as Thor backed away slowly with each step, not wishing to see his family member trapped in a cage once again as a result of some petty fight.

There was rage in Loki's eyes now, though it did nothing to cancel out the sadness there.

It was clear what was driving him, but even more evident was how upset the god was about that fact.

He did not like being so controlled by his emotions, resented the way that everyone could tell how he was feeling in spite of how hard he tried to hide it.

He had done his best to conceal his sorrows and this was what he had gotten? A request for more, as if he would not have hidden them away entirely in favor of allowing those who were once his enemies to see his weaknesses? The way that truth had changed him?

It infuriated him to no end.

"Can you even begin to imagine then,"

He started, voice low, but just loud enough so that every avenger who had now entered the room could hear it from where they stood together in silence, watching as Loki stalked ever closer to his brother, hands still clenched at his sides, jaw unfathomably tense, and muscles twitching with a quiet kind of rage.

"What I am feeling?"

He finished viciously.

Thor frowned, voice still full of pity and something akin to longing as he replied, tone still entirely bereft of fear,

"I know only what you have told me, dear brother."

He said, watching as Loki all but scoffed at his words,

"So in that way, yes, I suppose I am capable of imagining what you must feel."

The god of mischief laughed in response to this, a humorless and cold sound that was choked by some long abided pain, some endless suffering that only a god could understand, and that no mere mortal could ever endure and survive.

"I think not."

He snapped angrily, watching as Thor's brow creased in response, not understanding what about his reply had been so terribly wrong that it had brought about such a strong reaction from his sibling.

Loki continued,

"I think that if you could even begin to comprehend what I have seen, what I have lost, you would never even think to make an attempt at consoling or correcting me, nor could you ever deign to imagine believing that the small amounts of my grief witnessed through my behavior could be decreased any further. If you could truly understand, you would know the weight that I carry, and you would see that it could never be lessened, because there is truly no greater grief than that which I am suffering from!"

Thor stood there for a moment, dumbfounded, before finally he spoke up once more, voice slightly smaller, though still not lacking in compassion or empathy.

"Brother, I beg you to help me understand better so I may communicate this suffering of yours to those around us who do not know you as well as I. We are guests here on Midgard, and I cannot allow for you to push this pain of yours onto our hosts so endlessly without solution or a shared understanding in mind. How can you expect anyone to have faith or sympathy for you if you will not tell us what has happened?"

Thor's pleas caused yet another round of laughter to burst forth from the god of mischief, though this one was less pained and a bit more angry, a twinge of eagerness to it that did not spell out anything good, not for Thor nor any of the unwelcome audience present within the room alongside them.

"You wish for me to let them see? For me to grant you understanding?"

Loki hissed out, a familiar and volatile energy filling the room as he began to use his seidr to do just that.

"Loki-"

Thor warned, moving to take a step forward when suddenly, the entire room seemed to disappear beneath his feet, and without warning, he found himself in a place entirely unfamiliar to him, standing amongst his peers in a small crowd that occupied some unseen corner of whatever space this was.

He watched as Tony turned to look at him, frustration and confusion etched into his features and mouth opening to speak just as a familiar voice cut through the silence.

It was Loki, but not the one that those watching had come to know.

No, this was a Loki long forgotten by time and entirely unknown by the avengers present to witness this dream that the god of mischief had once so vaguely described to his brother while in the thralls of his pain.

This was the vision that the gods had shown to the adopted son of Odin during his imprisonment within the Avenger's tower months prior.

This was where his sadness, his grief, and his longing had stemmed from.

And it was clear, as they all watched on, why that may have been.

It was beautiful here, wherever here was.

The sun shone through every window, and this place, clearly a home, was adorned with stunning textiles and masonry, each detail obviously considered and brought to life with such care and intention that it could bring one to tears if they focused on it long enough.

Thankfully for the onlookers though, this would not be necessary, because the Loki in question who stood before them made for quite a distracting sight.

He looked younger here somehow, features untouched by some pervasive strain or anger that had long since gotten to the man that was so well known to them now.

His expression was peaceful, happy, so devoid of the angst or maliciousness that many were used to seeing.

This version of Loki, whoever he was, and whenever he had existed, was one that did not yet know the things that he did now, one that had found something that his truest self had not.

Happiness.

And it was clear, as this version of the god of mischief spoke, where that came from.

"Dearest Starlight, have you the faintest idea of how much I've missed you?"

He muttered into the hair of the woman standing before him, one arm wrapped around her while the other cupped the back of her head gently, lovingly, and with such fondness that it almost hurt to watch

This was a man overcome with, and undoubtedly changed by love.

They could see it in his eyes and the way that they lit up when the woman, whoever she was, moved away slightly to look up at him, and in the way that he pressed his forehead to hers with such love and clearly intentional gentleness.

He adored this person standing before him, and judging by the tears brimming in Thor's blue eyes, she was far more than a simple dream, or someone made up by the mind to have and to hold.

No, this was someone that they had known, perhaps long ago, perhaps yesterday, for the timing itself mattered ever so little.

What mattered instead, was that this individual, whoever she was, meant the world and more to the very person that the onlooking crowd had once believed to be devoid of the organ capable of love and affection.

She was important, and she was special, and above all else, she was seemingly a vast source of grief for the two son's of Odin, though one in particular far more than the other, the latter of which stood amongst them with a sadness that was almost assuredly not for himself evident within his gaze.

Thor may have known this girl, whoever she may be or have been, but his tears were not for his own loss of her, no, they were instead for Loki's. He watched the two of them with such rapt and sad fondness that it was all but impossible to deny that fact.

He adored what the two of them shared, and mourned its absence.

And in truth, the unwelcome onlookers could not help but feel similarly.

This woman was beautiful to be sure, with shining hair and twinkling eyes, and a gentle touch that she laid upon the deity standing before her with such care and devotion.

She smiled up at him lovingly, mouth still curved upward even as she spoke, her reply teasing, but far from mockery, mischievous in a way that was befitting of any love of Loki Laufeyson.

"Just me?"

She asked amusedly, carting her fingers through the god's soft black locks and watching with gentle laughter as he simply rolled his eyes in response before he leaned down to kiss her sweetly without a single word, the arm that was still wrapped around her waist tugging her closer before he finally pulled away a few seconds later, joy obvious within his expression, in spite of her ardent teasing.

"Do not ask me such foolish questions, my dear, or I may just be required to seal your lips against mine for all eternity to keep you quiet."

He murmured with his forehead pressed against hers, his nose brushing against her cheek for a few moments until he pulled back with a sigh,

"I suppose I should change before I make myself at home again, hmm?"

He asked with mock exasperation, tucking a few strands of the woman's hair behind her ear as she laughed in reply, nodding almost immediately.

"That would most certainly make me a happy wife, indeed."

She said, pulling further away from him before walking over to the kitchen area and removing something from the oven,

"Now hurry up and change before dinner gets too cold, foolish prince, or you may just find Thor helping himself to your portion again."

Loki gave an amused glare in response to this, but said nothing more, wandering swiftly down a long and dark hallway until he faded from view entirely.

After this, there was silence for a minute or two, a peaceful and joyous one that was occasionally interrupted by the sound of the woman's gentle humming, or one of a few a small noises from further down the hall, none of which seemed important enough to capture the woman in question's attention.

That being said, as Loki returned, something else did, though it notably grabbed hold of that of the audience as well, who stared on together in shock, though Thor was clearly the most baffled of them all.

For there was Loki Laufeyson, adopted son of Odin, Prince of Asgard, and god of mischief, with a child on his hip, one with hair the very color of his, and eyes that were an exact copy of his own.

The woman standing in the kitchen crossed her arms upon her husband's entrance into the room, raising a brow at him as she sighed and approached the two beings who had just graced her with their presence.

"And what business do you believe our daughter has with being up so late, Mr. Laufeyson?"

She questioned teasingly as she pressed a gentle kiss to the head of the little girl who was being held so affectionately within her father's arms, a sweet burble of laughter escaping her as the woman's lips tickled her skin.

The audience watched on in utter shock as Loki smiled softly at the sight, his shoulders shrugging slightly as he bounced the child, who appeared to be around a year old, upon his hip, arms keeping her steady with a well practiced and easy grace found only within a parent that had been present and involved enough to know their child like the back of their hand.

"I believe she has business with welcoming her dear father home regardless of the hour. Would you disagree, Mrs. Laufeyson?"

He murmured gently as he leaned forward to press a lingering kiss against his wife's lips, smirking at the sight of her reddened cheeks as he pulled away.

The wife in question sputtered for a brief moment before finally responding, glaring slightly up at the god of mischief for his antics, though they were no doubt familiar to her by now, judging by the ring wrapped around her finger and the child she had so plainly bore that sat now upon her husband's hip.

"I suppose not."

She replied gently, watching as Loki placed the child into her high chair, offering a toy of his very own creation to distract her with as he approached his spouse with a rather eager grin.

"No?"

He asked softly as he moved to stand behind her, his hands finding her shoulders and massaging the tense muscles there gently, his smile only growing as she sighed at the feeling and leaned into him with a practiced ease borne clearly of a long nurtured trust.

"How kind of you to see things my way for once, dear wife."

He murmured against the shell of the woman's ear, sending a shiver down her spine even as she rolled her eyes in response to his overly teasing tone and his seemingly ceaseless need to make an attempt at pushing her buttons.

"I wouldn't go as far as to say that, my prince."

She sighed out, still clearly pleased with the feeling of his hands rubbing practiced and efficient circles into her skin,

"I am simply allowing you this one small victory while you may still have it."

The god of mischief smirked upon hearing this, his brow raised and his voice low as he replied,

"Allowing me, hmm? What a benevolent ruler you are, starlight."

He all but purred out, and the woman nodded absently, still clearly wrapped up in the feeling of his hands on her body.

"Aren't I?"

She asked, a smile growing upon her face as she spoke,

"Allowing you to wake up our one year old daughter upon your return before you're forced to cease such childish behaviors once your son arrives in a few months time. How generous of me."

Loki hummed and replaced one of his hands that had been resting upon her shoulder with his chin, allowing his now free hand to travel down to her stomach, pressing against it and providing the opportunity for the onlookers to note for the very first time the way that it was rounded out slightly with child, yet another piece of evidence of the love that they shared.

A love that the Loki Laufeyson that they knew, the one that had been captured, imprisoned, and seemingly rehabilitated, had never known.

A love that he perhaps could have had, if only things had been different.

Slowly, faintly, at the sounds of softening laughter and contented discussions, the scene before everyone faded, and the harsh light of the tower persisted once more, blinding them all sharply in a way that the softness of the vision had not managed.

And there, before all of them, stood Loki, looking more than a little haggard with his hair out of place and his eyes brimming with tears.

It was Thor who spoke first.

"It was that which you saw, brother?"

He asked sympathetically, only for Loki to shake his head in response, tone far less angry and much more despondent as he spoke.

The sight of that vision, that memory of a dream delivered unto him one harsh evening to teach him some horrible lesson, had clearly hurt him far more than he wished to let on, and perhaps even more than he had thought it would.

"No."

He said,

"What I saw was far worse, I'm afraid."

Thor's eyebrows creased with both concern and confusion,

"Worse? Brother, I do not-"

"I had entire life with her, Thor."

Loki murmured gently, staring down at his own two shaking hands as if in disbelief that they belonged to him at all,

"I-I had thought truly that everything, all of this suffering and self-hatred had been the real dream all along, and that my time with her, beginning from back when we were all just children again, was reality."

He looked into his brother's eyes then, and allowed him to see the pain there, the sadness and longing for a life he had once believed himself to have lived, a life where he had chosen differently, and found better.

"I did everything the very same as in this lifetime, except instead of choosing power, or some poorly perceived form of acceptance at the hands of our father, I chose her every single time. I married her, brother, stood at the altar and watched her come to me, watched her be granted her rightful immortality at my side, built a house with her, for her, gave her a daughter, and a son, and many other children who I cannot bear to think about because I am in ruin over the fact that they were never real."

He paused, chest heaving, eyes never leaving those of his brother before finally, he continued,

"I know their names, Thor."

He choked out,

"The names of my children, every son and daughter born with some combination of my eyes and her smile, or her hair and my nose. I know their favorite foods, the toy they prefer over all of the rest, and the song that their mother would sing to put them to sleep the fastest."

His tears were beginning to run now, though if Loki noticed, he did not move to wipe them away or to hide them.

"I know everything about them, and yet they are not here, never were, and never will be, and it feels like I have lost all that I ever deigned to love. My wife, my children, a version of myself that I did not loathe, they are all lost to me, and I have died a thousand deaths for every waking moment spent without them by my side."

Thor's own eyes had grown teary now, and he stepped forward slowly, his arm outstretched, as if hoping to reach into his brother and take this pain away with his bare hands alone.

"Dear brother, forgive me."

He said softly, voice shaky in a way that was so very uncharacteristic of him,

"I did not know, I swear it."

Loki shook his head, some shadow of a smile, pained and without any semblance of joy finding his face,

"I know, Thor."

He said quietly,

"But do not waste your apologies on me. It is not your fault for not truly knowing, but mine for believing I could have her back again. She is gone, and I should have known that I could only ever have her in dreams."

Thor opened his mouth to speak, his expression flooded with sorrow, only to find that there was nothing that he could say.

The bridge to you was one that his brother had burned a long time ago, which had been lying in embers since.

Was he not right that you were largely gone from him? A memory of perhaps undeserved yet so very innocent love that he had shut out in order to keep moving forward until the gods had thrust what the two of you could have been upon him so cruelly?

It had been ages now, since Loki had seen or heard of you, and Thor was ashamed to admit that he too had locked you away in memory in favor of moving forward.

A childhood playmate, a most loyal friend far past adulthood, the once almost-lover of his mischievous younger brother, you were a great many things to him, and yet he could scarcely bear to think of you now.

Betrayal was what he had once thought of whenever you came to mind, but now, so many years later, he could see that you had never been the one to betray.

It had been him all along, him and Loki, albeit for two differing reasons.

Either way, the little witch they had once both known so fondly had been long dead to them for many moons now, until the very sight of you so happy, so alive, in spite of the fact that such a vision was a dream brought on by some vengeful deity, sent you careening back into their minds once more.

Where were you now? How had you fared without them, and possibly without your family as well? Were you even alive at all, after all of this time with only a witchling's feeble immortality to keep you alive rather than the godly kind that Loki had helped to bestow upon you within his dream?

Thor shook off these thoughts almost as quickly as they came, and watched on helplessly as Loki began to make his way toward the exit, eyes glued to the ground to avoid making eye contact with the small group of Avengers who had continued to watch on in surprise.

And perhaps, one of them may have piped up to say something, anything to provide comfort to the once so pesky god, had it not been for the sudden shift in the air, followed shortly thereafter by the very shredding of reality itself, as a tear opened up on the far wall, revealing a dark shimmering swirl of colors and lights that soon spat out a figure adorned in clothing that may have appeared foreign to any Midgardian, but was so very familiar to the one aesir god who stared on in utter shock.

Loki, on the other hand, seemed either entirely unaware of the strange circumstance occurring behind him, or uncaring of it, as he continued on his quest to leave the room entirely.

That is, until a voice so familiar that it all but snapped his heart in two called out to him.

"L-Loki?"

It asked weakly, strained and soft, but just barely loud enough to reach him where he stood.

The average man may have froze up entirely, disbelieving their own ears and blaming their minds for playing such cruel tricks on them, but Loki was no average man, and he did not believe his mind capable of making such a mistake.

He knew what he had heard.

He turned around instantly, already wide eyes growing wider when he found you on the floor there, an old cloak of his wrapped tightly around your shoulders.

"Starlight?"

He breathed out in utter disbelief, making his way over in just a few long and intentional strides before he all but collapsed to his knees in front of you.

#loki x reader #loki x yn #loki x female reader #loki x fem reader #loki marvel #loki odinson x reader #loki laufeyson x reader #loki x you #loki odinson #loki fanfiction #loki series #loki laufeyson #loki x reader angst #loki angst

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redroses07 · 1 month

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Heartfirst // Johnnie Guilbert

Johnnie Guilbert x Fem!Reader

Summary: Reader is best friends with Johnnie and is avoiding telling him her feelings, but it's Tara's 1mil celebration party and she seems to be having some newfound confidence.

WC: 2.3k

Warnings: Swearing, kissing, slightly suggestive, drinking, use of y/n (i tried to avoid i’m sorry)

A/N: Hey guys, this is my first time writing for Johnnie and tbh I'm really proud of it! It took me a few days to finish and I really hope you guys like it. As always requests are open if you wanna see more of this type of stuff. Love y'all sm!! ♡⋆˙

You were at your house getting ready for your roommate Tara's party. She was throwing a party to celebrate reaching 1 million on her Youtube channel, and almost everyone you knew was attending.

Reaching 1 million was an amazing milestone for her and you were so incredibly proud. You were also a content creator with a solid following, but nothing close to what she had accomplished.

You were finished with your hair and makeup and now just had to decide what to wear. You were torn between a silky black slip, or a sparkly gold mini dress.

"Tara come in here I can't decide what to wear!" You shouted down the hall.

Tara comes rushing out of her room, always prepared to give the best fashion advice. She was already dressed but her makeup was noticeably incomplete, only sporting her signature winged eyeliner on one eye.

"Okay, show me the options." Tara exclaimed, clearly filled with excitement.

You went into your closet and emerged holding the two dresses.

"I feel like the black fits better, but it's kinda basic."

Tara looks between the two and smirks.

"Well which one do you think Johnnie would like better?"

Your jaw fell open, clearly embarrassed by her words.

Johnnie was one of your best friends, and Tara's too. You two spent an awful lot of time together, especially recently since you had begun filming together much more frequently. You will admit, you two had chemistry, and your friends and fans alike picked up on it.

You couldn't deny the not so little crush you had on him, but no way you were ever gonna admit that. It took you forever to admit it to even Tara, you would be mortified if Johnnie ever found out. Although that didn't stop Tara from pressuring you almost every day to confess. It was according to her "obvious he felt the same", but you refused to take the risk and find out.

"What! I'm just being real." Tara said, eyeing your nervous expression.

You shook your head, giving her an annoyed glance.

"I say gold. We can be like opposites cause I'm wearing silver." Tara pointed to her dress.

You smiled, throwing the black dress to the side.

"See I can always count on you to make my decisions for me."

Tara laughed and sped out of the room to finish her makeup.

You proceeded to finish getting dressed, and while you did you thought about what Tara had said.

Maybe it was time for you to finally stop avoiding things and fess up, at least you would know the truth. The only drawback was losing your best friend. If Johnnie didn't feel the same then that would surely make your friendship awkward.

Curiosity was beginning to get the better of you, and maybe tonight would be the night you would find out the truth.

You could've said speak of the devil, because right at that moment Tara popped her head into your room to tell you that Jake and Johnnie had arrived.

"I hope you're ready, Jake said they brought a ton of stuff and need help carrying it all inside." Tara said with a sigh.

Her makeup was now complete, eyeliner perfectly symmetrical on both sides and glitter eye shadow completing the look.

"Yeah hold up I'm coming." You replied, jumping up from your seat and sliding your feet into your black platforms.

As you headed out the door and towards the car, you couldn't help but contain your excitement to see Johnnie. This recent rush of confidence has made you more eager and energetic than normal.

When you reached the car the first thing you saw was Jake piling boxes into his arms, and Johnnie very loudly complaining about how much shit he brought.

"What the hell...how much did you guys bring?" Tara asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Uhhhh, lots of food, and lots of alcohol," Jake began.

"Let's just say I'm gonna get fucked up tonight."

Tara rolled her eyes, and reached into the trunk to grab more boxes.

You rounded the corner and crept up behind Johnnie.

"Boo!" You said, causing him to jump and drop the box he was currently holding.

"Y/N!" Johnnie exclaimed the moment he saw you, completely forgetting about the box he had dropped.

"Johnnie, that could've been breakable." Jake huffed half jokingly.

Johnnie replied by flipping him off as he ran in to give you a hug. He wrapped his arms around you tightly as if he hadn't seen you in forever, when in reality it had only been about two days.

You breathed in the musky scent of his cologne as the hug lasted a bit longer than it should.

You broke apart and took a long look at your best friend. He was wearing a low cut black dress shirt that showed off several tattoos on his chest. He matched it with black jeans, a silver belt, and several chains hanging from his waist.

“You look pretty” Johnnie gave you a sheepish smile.

"Aww thank you!" Him complimenting you like this wasn't unusual for your friendship, but that didn't stop your heart from skipping every time.

Jake walked behind Johnnie slapping him on the back of the head as he did. "What the fuck Jake." Johnnie snapped, rubbing the back of his head.

"You know what." Jake responded without hesitation, giving Johnnie a telling look.

You wondered what Jake could possibly mean by that, maybe there was something Johnnie wasn't telling you. Although it wasn't unlike the two of them to share an inside joke that was impossible for you to understand.

"Let's get back to work." You laughed pointing at the trunk.

Johnnie nodded, pushed his bangs out his eyes, and brushed your shoulder lightly while reaching into the trunk.

You, Johnnie, Jake, and Tara spent the next hour or two setting up for the party, the sun slowly disappearing as you came closer to being complete.

Just as the night arrived, so did many of your guests. People began pouring in in small, or large, groups. Tara waited at the door, greeting everyone upon arrival like the amazing host she was.

Unfortunately, without Tara, you could be pretty awkward at parties. You and Johnnie had that in common, which is why you found yourself hanging out in the corner with him.

Obviously you didn't mind, you loved hanging out with him after all. The two of you spent the early hours of the night attached at the hip, ignoring the busy sections of the party, and sipping on your drinks while making small talk with your friends.

You were on the way to refill your cup with water, fearing that you had had one too many when a clearly tipsy Tara grabbed your arm.

"Y/N! I've been looking for you all over! I need to get a clip of you to add in my video before I forget."

You happily obliged, excited that you were finally got to spend some time with your best friend.

She led you into the living room, a camera following the two of you.

"Come on, dance with me!" Tara said excitedly, throwing her hands up in the air.

You giggled, and joined her moving to the beat of the music. Tara only needed a few shots of the two of you for her video but she spent much longer dancing with you.

You hadn't realized how much time had passed until, a few more drinks and many songs later, your feet began to ache.

"Hey Tara, keep on having fun, I'm gonna go find Johnnie and then relax for a bit." Tara gave you a hug, just in case she didn't see you again that night, and then ran off to join a few of her friends.

It took you a few minutes of aimlessly searching to find Johnnie. When you did find him, you saw he was talking to Sam and Colby while sitting on your couch that had been pushed to the back of the living room.

You plopped down next to Johnnie, carelessly resting your pounding head on his shoulder.

"Hey look at who's back." Johnnie announced, looking over at you.

You smiled, nuzzling your nose into his neck. It must be all the alcohol mixed with the excitement giving you this newfound confidence.

You sat there for a moment, letting Johnnie finish his conversation.

While you waited you thought over the same situation from earlier, and suddenly the drawbacks to confessing your feelings didn't seem so bad.

Whether Johnnie felt the same or not he would always love you regardless, whether that love be platonic or romantic.

Sam and Colby walked off, marking the end of the conversation. Johnnie turned to you, and you picked your head up from its position on his shoulder.

"I think it would be best if we both got out of here." Johnnie got up, reaching his hands out to help you up.

You took his hands and allowed him to lead the both of you away from the chaos.

You followed Johnnie down the hall until he entered your room and shut the door behind the two of you.

You took a deep breath, it was nice to be in a calm space and away from the loud party. Although you could still hear the base pumping it was easier to ignore.

"This is much better." Johnnie collapsed onto your bed.

"Hmm, my room is a real creative way to get some alone time with me." You smirked sarcastically.

Johnnie's mouth fell open, his face turning red.

"Okay dirty minded." He retorted, fidgeting with his hands.

"As if you aren't" You snapped back playfully, plopping onto your bed.

Johnnie shoved you playfully, causing you to fall back into your pillows.

The pair of you exploded into a fit of laughter. The concerning amount of mixed drinks you had both had made the ordeal much more hilarious than it really was.

After several moments a silence fell over the two of you. You were laid back on your bed, Johnnie's body only inches from yours.

You may have been slightly drunk, but you were sober enough to remember your feelings.

You turned to face Johnnie, finding yourself face to face with his icy blue eyes.

Johnnie smiled at you, that signature, warm smile of his that you loved. The sincere, loving smile that he seemed to only ever use with you.

Johnnie reached out and brushed your messy hair out of your face.

"There, now I can see all of your pretty face."

Your heart stopped, suddenly all your nerves had returned. You were scared, scared of losing this, and of losing him.

You weren't going to let this stop you though. You had spent too long avoiding this, and today you would finally confess.

"Hey Johnnie,"

"Mhm"

"I have something important to you about." Your voice was shaky, and you were convinced he noticed.

You could see his eyes fill with concern, maybe you should have used less ominous wording.

"I've been wanting to tell you this for a long time, and PROMISE ME you won't make fun of me."

"Are you serious? After how long we've known each other what could I possibly make fun of you for?"

You turned away shyly, he did have a point.

"Okay, well this is different."

"Well then I have to know, spill it." Johnnie said as he nudged your shoulder.

You blushed, avoiding eye contact in order to hide how flustered you were.

"I love you Johnnie, not like a best friend, like in love." You spat out, still refusing to make eye contact. God you sounded like a stupid high school kid.

"Hey..." Johnnie whispered.

He cupped your cheek and forced you to look him in the eye. Goosebumps formed on your skin where his skin met yours.

"I'm in love with you too, and I have been for a long time.

Your heart felt like it was going to stop, especially since he was now so close his nose was brushing against yours.

You closed your eyes before taking the leap and closing the gap between the two of you. His lips were softer than you expected, and you hoped he didn't notice how dry yours were.

Johnnie pulled you closer to him, and you re-situated yourself on top of him.

You leaned down to kiss him again, but he stopped you abruptly.

"Shit!"

You looked at him concerned, wondering if you had done something wrong.

"I owe Jake money now!"

You began to laugh as your face landed in your hands.

"You two had a bet...about me?"

Johnnie giggled nervously, still underneath you.

"I'll explain later." He said, his eyes staring intently at your lips.

He pulled you down into another kiss, this one much more passionate than the last. You felt his hands run down your sides, grabbing longingly at your hips. You pushed your tongue into the roof of his mouth, causing him to grip your hair.

You let out a soft moan, which was followed by Johnnie flipping you over so that he could be on top.

Your lips not breaking apart once during the swift motion.

You continued to kiss him, your hands tugging at his shirt in an attempt to bring him even closer.

He began kissing your neck softly, as he reached behind you to fiddle with the zipper on your dress.

Just as things were heating up you heard the door swing open followed by an extremely loud voice.

"You better pay the fuck up bitch!!" Jake shouted cause the both of you to nearly jump out of your skin.

The two of you scrambled to sit up, adjusting your clothes as you did.

"What the fuck Jake!" You shouted, re-zipping your dress.

"Oh don't you start with me missy,"

"Tara come here I was right, look at them!"

You groaned, letting your head fall into Johnnie's chest.

"There, there." Johnnie patted your head sarcastically.

"Well, I hope you're okay with the whole world knowing." You say grumpily.

"Are you kidding, the whole world better know that I'm in love with you!"

You smiled, and kissed Johnnie on the cheek. If only you had done this sooner.

#johnnie guilbert #johnnie guilbert x reader #johnnie guilbert fluff #johnnie guilbert fic #jake and johnnie #jake webber #johnnie guilbert x you #tara yummy #johnnie guilbert fanfic #emo #johnnie guilbert imagine

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knaccblog · 8 months

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Aziraphale and "I Forgive You"

So after I watched the first season a few times however many years ago, I noticed something, wrote up a bit of a meta about it and then never posted it. I thought that it was either very obvious or very silly and either way, no one needed to see it. But now it's several years and another season later and again, I'm noticing the exact same thing so here it goes- I think the reason Aziraphale keeps saying that he forgives Crowley has overall very little to do with what Crowley has just done right before Aziraphale says it and much more to do with a secret Aziraphale hides deep within himself and has for thousands of years, a truth that he hates to acknowledge and is terrified to speak aloud: he thinks God is wrong to have not Forgiven Crowley.

Get settled in because this is gonna take a bit.

The first time I started noticing this really clearly is the Bandstand Breakup scene. Crowley starts by cussing God literally out- "For the record, great, pustulant, mangled bollocks to the Great blasted Plan." To which Aziraphale says, "May you be forgiven." And yes, Crowley has just sinned and Aziraphale is a stuffy angel but the way Aziraphale says it is like a hope, atleast to my ears. Like he's really wishing that God will see how good Crowley truly is and bring him back to Heaven even though he keeps doing stupid stuff like this

Anyway, Crowley then responds with, "I won't be forgiven. Not ever. Part of a demon's job description. Unforgivable. That's what I am." And Aziraphale responds again with a hopeful sounding, "You were an angel once." At this point, I was almost sure that he's talking about his personal wishes here. It sounds like he's saying, "Come on, Crowley. There's a chance." To which Crowley responds, "That was a long time ago," basically saying it's impossible and shutting that whole bit of the conversation down. And you can just watch Aziraphale's face fall at that, like it kills him for that to be true.

The next time the topic of forgiveness and Crowley comes up is when Crowley shows up to beg Aziraphale to run away with him one last time. In this conversation, Aziraphale is very adamant that if he talks to the right people, they won't want the apocalypse and they'll stop it. He, of course, thinks this because his most core belief is that God is good and that even if we don't understand how what God is doing is good right now, it will lead to goodness eventually via the Rube Goldburg machine which is time and the universe etc aka God is ineffable. But even Aziraphale can't imagine how the ineffable Rube Goldburg machine could turn an event where everything on earth dies into a good one so therefore, he's certain that God doesn't want the Apocalypse.

Crowley responds to this hope with, "You're so clever. How can someone as clever as you be so stupid?" to which Aziraphale responds, "I forgive you" in a very gentle but sure tone. And now yes, while it is entirely possible that Aziraphale is forgiving Crowley for calling him stupid, I've always felt like that would be a rather weighty response considering how mild an insult it is. It's also possible (and I feel slightly more likely) that Aziraphale is forgiving Crowley for his lack of faith, his inability to believe in the goodness of God anymore.

And that could definitely be it, but if we think about the way Aziraphale had talked about forgiveness at the Bandstand, the hope and desire that he seemed to put into the idea of forgiveness and Crowley and the fact that Crowley had dismissed it as entirely impossible for him to ever be forgiven, than a third read of Aziraphale's "I forgive you" emerges: one in which Aziraphale is saying, "While God might never forgive you, I do". It's "I might never see you again since you intend to run away to the stars but if this is the last time I ever see you, I want you to know that I think you are deserving of forgiveness. That I see the good in you even if God can't." It's a combination "I love you" and small rebellion against God, because while Aziraphale can't bring himself to give up on Her completely and run away with Crowley (even though a part of him clearly wants to), he is willing to say that She's done this one thing wrong and it's never forgiving Crowley, who Aziraphale can see clearly is more kind and good than any of the angels he knows.

So yeah, that was about where the idea rested at the end of the first season but now we have a bunch of new historical scenes and a new "I forgive you" following a very loaded conversation in which Aziraphale got extremely excited by the idea of Crowley being reinstated as an Angel and I felt like this idea has even more legs than before.

To me, it's very clear that Aziraphale's pitch for Crowley to come back to Heaven isn't him hoping to "reset" Crowley to how he was before the Fall or him being incapable of loving Crowley as a Demon and instead was him being overjoyed to have this secret truth (Crowley is deserving of God's Forgiveness) that he's been observing for 6000ish years be acknowledged and have a chance to come to fruition. After all, as we saw this season (and honestly last season too but less pronounced), Crowley, current Demon Crowley, not the angel he knew over 6000 years ago, has proven over and over again just how truly good he is to Aziraphale.

For example, in the Job sequence, Crowley does a truly good thing that no Angel (beside Aziraphale) would do or even think that they should do and that is save Job's children. And through the entirety of this bit, Aziraphale basically always believes that he will. There are even two moments where Crowley tries his best to scare Aziraphale away, to play up being the bad guy (so as to better hide the con he's running and protect Aziraphale), but Aziraphale's faith in Crowley's goodness does not falter. At the end of the day, it seems clear that Aziraphale has more faith that Crowley will do the good thing, the correct thing than God. Conveniently for Aziraphale's faith in God though, not understanding how something horrible he hates will eventually lead to goodness in the long run is a foundational principle of said faith so his faith in God remains strong even after everything She and Heaven do to Job.

But his faith in Crowley doesn't require such a complicated work around. He believes Crowley won't kill children and he is correct. Though unfortunately, this very simplicity leads to a new problem, a problem that we can see eventually solidify in Aziraphale's mind, becoming a running theme of their association and leading to the eventual "I forgive you"s.

Aziraphale can clearly see how kind and good Crowley is, how he does the right thing as best he can, even when he could (and sometimes does) get into immense trouble for it. But for some reason, despite repeated evidence that Crowley is everything that Aziraphale believes Angels are and should be, Crowley continues to be a Demon. And once you realize that Aziraphale has noticed this contradiction and that it most likely haunts him and is a constant challenge to his worldview, it colors a lot of what he says in a new light. Many of what seem like simple, self-righteous statements reveal themselves to be Aziraphale trying to protecting himself from a massive logical inconsistency he keeps stumbling across.

"It must be bad, otherwise you wouldn't have tempted them into it," Aziraphale says, clearly not quite sure why it's bad actually.

"You, I'm afraid, are evil," Aziraphale asserts, basically stating that Crowley is evil because he's evil. It's tauntological and therefore doesn't have to make sense. (He says this one shortly before Crowley saves Elsbeth from suicide, poverty and damnation.)

"So this is all your demonic work? I should have known," Aziraphale says, thinking, "Aha, this time Crowley must have done the bad thing and therefore continues to deserve being Fallen." (Crowley has, in fact, not done the bad thing but shhhh, worry about that later.)

Once you notice this self defensive habit, you can't unnotice it really, it's just so present in Aziraphale's logic and speech. Aziraphale even at one point says, "Still a demon, then?" after the Ark and Job and Jesus because on some level he probably doesn't want to actually evaluate, it makes no sense to him that Crowley is still a Demon, especially when he has also sinned in a few ways (lied to Gabriel, thwarted the will of God, technically gluttony etc) and nothing has happened to him, to say nothing for all the things Gabriel has done (or has just let passively happen without a thought to interfere).

So yes, I think the entire final argument plays out the way it does because Aziraphale thinks Crowley is good and deserves to be reinstated, to be forgiven by God more than anything.

He comes into their final conversation nervous but excited, to the point where he stomps right over what Crowley is trying to say. "You see I... I have some incredible good news to give you." The good news is for Crowley, you see, because Crowley deserves this and clearly being forgiven like he so deserves should logically make Crowley happy. It will make Aziraphale happy after all.

Aziraphale then starts to describe the conversation that he had with Metatron, stating that he thinks he might have misjudged him. And why would he think that he misjudged the angel who had told him point blank to his face that "The point is not to avoid the war, it is to win it" about the Apocalypse? Well, it's not because he's offered the job of Supreme Archangel, that's for sure. As we can see in the flashback, Aziraphale seems nervous and uninterested in the job at first. He says clearly that he doesn't want to go back to Heaven and even brings up a very half assed excuse to try and weasel out of it, a soft no of, "Where will I get my coffee?"

No, instead, the clear, obvious point where Aziraphale changes his mind about the job and about the Metatron is when he offers to reinstate Crowley as an Angel. Metatron has, quite accidentally (I think? I don't think he actually knows Aziraphale's secret soul), just said one of the most faith affirming things he possibly could to Aziraphale, "We can correct that little error that's been bothering you. You are completely correct that Crowley deserves God's forgiveness."

Given that, it's understandable that Aziraphale is absolutely bubbly about Crowley's reinstatement when he mentions it to him, like the best thing ever has just happened to him even though he's talking about something that will happen to Crowley and not him at all. "You could come back to heaven and- and everything. Like the old times, only even nicer." (Nicer because this time, they are in love. Nicer because they'll both be powerful enough to make a difference.)

Some other bits of Aziraphale's dialogue from this scene that make so much sense through this lens are:

After Crowley tries to reiterate his constant stance that both sides are bad actually, and mentions how he rejected Hell's offer to work with them again, Aziraphale misses his point completely and says, "But well, obviously you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys. But Heaven, it's the side of truth, of light, of good." Aziraphale's faith in the potential goodness of Heaven and the actual goodness of God is unflappable but so is his belief that good is what Crowley wants to be doing. Like of course a good soul like Crowley would reject working for Hell again but why would he reject a chance to do good like he's sneakily been doing all along? (Aziraphale here ignores the fact that he's also had to sneakily do good on the side sometimes even though he was always working for "the side of good" but that is very par for the course for him sadly.)

The lines, "Come with me- to heaven. I'll run it, you can be my second in command. We can make a difference," are a particularly telling set. Everything about these from the high position he's offering Crowley to the "We" scream that Aziraphale trusts Crowley, a Demon, to guide Heaven the correct way more than any angel already in Heaven.

Aziraphale's final, desperate argument also lines up well with this (as well as featuring Aziraphale more completely referencing how he wants him and Crowley to be together romantically). "Come back, to heaven. Work with me! We can be together. Angels... Doing good. I- I need you! I don't think you understand what I'm offering you." Like is the "I need you" here romantic? Definitely. But it's also Aziraphale again affirming that he trusts Crowley to lead him the correct way ie goodness, because, as it's been shown to us many times (and focused on particularly in this season), Crowley will do and always has been doing the correct thing as best he could while Aziraphale would dither and be locked into passivity (like in The Resurrectionists).

So yes, after many attempts to explain to Crowley how he should be in Heaven, doing good and Aziraphale needs his help and one last desperate kiss from Crowley, we reach the final dreaded, "l forgive you." And yes, maybe Aziraphale is forgiving Crowley for not having faith that they can fix heaven, for abandoning him, for kissing him so suddenly. But I hope, after everything I've laid out here in this essay, you can also see why I think Aziraphale is saying, "Even as you reject God's forgiveness and leave me behind, I still see that you are good and know you deserve it so I will forgive you anyway." And maybe, even though it's still blasphemous to disagree with God, it's less scary for Aziraphale to say "I forgive you" one more time than tell Crowley that he loves him for the first time. He is very good at forgiveness after all.

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orange-peony · 7 months

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I've written something for @flufftober with today's prompt “I hate it” – “No, you don’t.”

It just screams drarry, and I've been thinking all day about this wonderful art piece by @caspervi.

This is exactly 1k, rated E, 8th year spin the bottle shenanigans and a very besotted Harry.

Draco is clearly not expecting him to cheat.

The thing is, Harry has grown a little desperate over the weeks. After spending every night in the same room as Draco Malfoy, listening to him turn in bed with endless sighs, and sometimes cast a very suspicious Muffliato right after Harry has come back from his shower completely naked and dripping wet.

Harry’s caught him looking, more than once.

He knows Draco’s been staring at him, just as much as Harry has. In lessons and in the Great Hall and in the eighth year’s common room. A silver gaze following him around the castle, cheeks flushing every time their eyes meet.

Harry’s had enough of lying to himself about what he wants. He almost lost everything—he’s already lost so fucking much. He can’t let this slip from his fingers.

So, when a drunk Zabini suggests a game of spin the bottle, Harry only agrees to it when Draco walks into the room. The bottle never lands on either of them—Harry makes sure of it.

“My turn,” he declares, everyone clearly too tipsy to object. Harry hasn’t had anything to drink, knows full well that Draco is just as sober. And when the bottle spins and spins and then lands on Draco, he watches pale cheeks flush a deep red.

Someone gasps next to him. Pansy shrieks, too loud and too obvious.

Draco stands up abruptly and runs to his room—their room.

Someone shouts coward, that it’s unfair, and wait, whose turn is it now?

Harry ignores everything and everyone and just follows Draco to their bedroom, locking the door behind his back once he’s inside, watching Draco’s grey eyes widen, his cheeks catch fire as he stands there, unmoving. Harry takes a step towards him, then another, until they’re almost touching.

“You cheated,” Draco accuses, sounding dumbfounded by his own accusation. “I could feel your magic, you—”

“I wanted it to land on you,” Harry explains stupidly. The truth is that he needed a reason to kiss Draco. One that wasn’t the fact that his heart’s been hurting at the thought of it for weeks now, craving it with all that he is, dreaming about Draco’s lips and about the sounds he would make for Harry—god, Harry wants to feel him shiver and pant against him.

Draco seems conflicted, his eyebrows quivering as his mouth opens and closes without a sound.

“I hate it,” he finally says, wetting his lips with his pink tongue, his eyes sliding down, lingering on Harry’s mouth.

“No, you don’t,” Harry murmurs.

He’s almost expecting Draco to tell him to fuck off and get lost, but then Draco huffs, his blond eyebrows knitting before he shakes his head and sighs.

“No, I fucking don’t,” Draco whispers, almost a whine, then, “Come here. Potter, c’mere—”

Harry thinks it’s impossible this could feel better than he imagined. But the taste of Draco’s lips, so sweet and soft and irresistible as they press to his and then open on a whimper, just for him. The way Draco moans against him, his long fingers sliding through Harry’s curls to tug at them and make him open his mouth more, to deepen the kiss—it all feels like a dream, and one of the best ones he’s ever had. The perfect little sounds Draco makes when Harry lowers him onto his bed, the way his lips part on a gasp when Harry kisses his way down his neck, sucking on that milky-white skin to make it bloom in pink and red hues while Draco falls apart under him. Harry wasn’t expecting that. He didn’t think he would get to have more than a kiss. And that already felt like asking for too much.

He most certainly wasn’t expecting Draco to open for him like a flower, delicate and quivering under Harry’s clumsy hands, spreading for him and making the most perfect sounds as Harry sinks into his tight heat, cursing at how blissfully good it feels, how utterly divine it is to be inside Draco.

And then later, lying on the bed next to him, watching Draco loose and sated, falling asleep with a contented hum after countless minutes spent talking about inconsequential things, because everything else felt too scary to be mentioned. A dream come true.

When Harry wakes up in the morning, too early and too bright, he realises Draco is still there, naked and covered in the marks Harry left on his delicate skin. Harry’s tie is stuck under his hand, Draco’s face buried in the duvet, as if he were hiding in his sleep. And Harry can’t stop staring, can’t stop thinking that he shouldn’t be so lucky because he always manages to fuck up everything, somehow.

But then Draco stirs, a flash of silver landing on Harry as a little sound leaves Draco’s lips, something soft and undone that threatens to make Harry’s heart crumble to pieces.

“Stop staring, you weirdo,” Draco mumbles. Harry casts a mouth-freshening charm on them both. Wishful thinking, he reckons, but Draco mutters minty before he lets his lips stretch into a tiny smile.

So Harry grows bold and leans forward, pressing their lips together one more time, hopefully not the last. Draco hums softly and reaches for him when they part, his fingers wrapping around Harry’s neck to pull him impossibly closer. And Harry can feel Draco’s hand lingering on his neck, then sliding down his chest, making him shudder before his fingers curl around his length.

“Want you,” Harry confesses, his breath hot against Draco’s mouth, that opens as a small laugh tumbles out of it.

“Not a one-night stand, then?” Draco asks, hope shimmering in his voice and on his face.

“Merlin, no,” Harry replies. He’s in for good. He’s in for his life, as scary as it seems.

“Good,” Draco replies with a smile, one of those genuine ones that Harry has learnt to cherish.

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” Draco confirms. “Kiss me.”

#my writing #listen it's late #and I wanted some 8th year pining #drarry fic #my fics update #flufftober

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v3nusxsky · 3 months

Note

i’m not 100% sure your requests are open or if you’ve done this before but i’ve read some of your leonora lesso fics and i’m in love

i’m was wondering whether you could maybe right a little!lesso x caregiver!reader. they’re both teachers, maybe r is an ever

but tbh maybe just some hurt comfort <3

The Little Lion

*Authors note~ ahh little Leo and Agere is my life, may be horrid I am currently in a lecture for behaviour with a massive headache but I’m determined to catch up on writing fics*

Trigger warnings~ Agere little Leonora, cg y/n first time regression star struck Leonora

Prompt~see ask^^^

Being the Dean Of Evil wasn’t ever Leonora’s plans but it’s where she ended up and appeared to be amazing at her job. But was she evil? Or maybe just hurt deep down? The world would never know the pain she’d been through and just how she dealt with her pain. While she held her scary exterior inside lay a soft gooey core that is ever so fragile and to be protected at all costs.

Being evil for so long tends to drain the red head, and with her Never students acting up more, it was worse than ever before. No one knew of the tentative relationship you and Lesso had began, but the tension between you both was simply too hard to ignore and one night with a lot of alcohol had confession’s of truth spilling from you both. Agreeing to try this out but of course no one could know, not until you both knew it would work of course.

That was a couple of months ago and things had been going rather well. You being an Ever made things slightly harder but both of you worked to find ways to meet in secrecy and have subtle changes in your daily life’s when it came to communication. That’s why it wasn’t uncommon for you to sneak into the Deans room after hours. There would be no students to catch you and should a member of staff see you, then you had a well rehearsed reason to be there.

Entering her room tonight felt different but you couldn’t put you finger on the reason why. With a quick scan of the room you could see nothing was out of its place however, Leonora was no where to be found which is odd. Normally she’s waiting with a signature look that’s just for you as her eyes room your body just drinking in your beauty.

“Nora?” You murmured in a hope she would appear but all that greeted you was silence. Moving forward into her chamber you made your way to her sleeping area. “Nora, darling?” You mumbled before knocking and pushing the heavy oak door open, never in a million years would you have expected the sight in front of you.

In the bed, Leonora was dressed in fussy orange socks with a lion onesie, colouring some pages that looked to be animal prints. Clearly she was in her own little world and you almost felt bad for intruding. Almost. The way she was currently looking at you jade you feel you were more needed than ever before. Being an ever you knew exactly what was going on here.

“Hi darling, watcha got there?” You whispered to her before settling on the edge of her bed. But Leonora said nothing just staring at you with her mouth agape like she’d seen a unicorn or something equally as magical. You couldn’t help but chuckle at her star struck expression, “close your mouth darling, you’ll be catching flys in a minute.”

“Princess” the red head stated still absolutely entranced by you. “You think I’m a princess darling?” You happily fed into her statement hoping to gain her trust. “Pretty” was slurred around the woman’s thumb that had made its way between her lips. It was so obvious what was happening here. With a gasp you responded, “well thank you little darling. I think you’re pretty too.”

Silence fell over the room again, you didn’t mind of course, clearly Leonora needed this and now wasn’t the time to talk about what this was, so you settled for giving her whatever she needed from you in this moment. “Raw!” Lesso growled as she continued to scribble in a pen that could honestly rival the woman’s hair colour. “Such a cute little lion” you murmured to her causing her to smile, not smirk but smile at you and blush. Leonora Lesso doesn’t blush… but your little lion here seemed to be the opposite.

It wasn’t long before Leonora had shoved a pen at you and instructed that you colour in certain areas, “ands no out of lines!” She firmly reprimanded after you went ever so slightly went over the lines. “I’m so sorry little cub” you feigned a pout.

“Im not use to sharing I sorry, I fix it then pretty princess happy and loves Leo lion!” A childish slur causing words to blur together and just sounding adorable. “Thank you little cub, I still love you little lion, how could I not with this cute mane on your head hmm?” You whispered before ruffling the fake mane on the hood of the lion onesie.

It wasn’t long after that small interaction you could see her little balled up fists rubbing at her eyes, a clear indication that it was in fact past midnight. “Little lion, aren’t you getting sleepy yet?” You attempted not knowing how to bring this up with her. But luckily she nodded and crawled straight into your lap, her head nestled into your neck and a hand resting above your heart. It was clear you weren’t going anywhere tonight but opted to soothe Leonora to sleep so you could move the woman without disturbing her. Although the little version of Lesso was okay with you acting like a caregiver that didn’t mean Leonora was too. Your hand gently rubbed soothing circles on her back as you swayed your legs ever so slightly in hopes to comfort her. Just when you thought she’d drifted off you caught her sleepy mumble off, “thank you for looking after me princess.”

Word count ~ 1023

#anon answered #v3nusxsky answers #fanfic #anon requested #lady lesso #sfgae #leonora lesso #lady lesso x reader #lesso x reader #lady leonora lesso #lady lesso x you #little lesso #l!title Leonora #sfgae Agere #dean of evil #smol leonora #soft Leonora

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primaviva · 8 months

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━ GWEN STACY

📂 all my gwen stacy works are written below ! this will be updated regularly.

oneshots

been like this

gwen has been acting distant lately. first, she started taking longer to reply to your texts, then she became less responsive to your calls, and now you hardly get to see your girlfriend at all. every time you do manage to talk, it feels like she's dreading something yet to come. it's starting to seem pretty obvious to you that gwen doesn't want to be in a relationship with anymore. and maybe you're not too far off from the truth. can she make it up to you though? (angst, suggestive)

drummers interlude

while hanging out in gwen’s room, you find a neatly folded piece of paper on the floor of her messy room, which is weird considering how messy she is. she clearly cares about it and upon questioning her, she doesn’t wanna spill her secret. it had you thinking, what was so special about the sheet of paper? (fluff!)

kiss it better

it's a rainy friday night, and you and your girlfriend, gwen aka ghost-spider, had plans to hang out. but when she stops responding to your texts, you can only worry. hours pass and your fears are realized when she finally shows up through your window. bloody, beaten, in need of the care only her favorite nurse can provide. you. (suggestive, angst, fluff)

gingerbread (xmas special)

making gingerbread with your girlfriend—gwen stacy. (fluff!)

better than revenge

gwen has liked you for a long time, harry knew this. to gwen's surprise, harry actually liked her for much longer, something she only learned when he confessed and asked her to prom. gwen's rejection hit harry hard. you can imagine gwen's shock when, just as she was about to tell you how she felt and ask to be your date, you revealed that you already had a date. harry osborn. (angst, suggestive at the end w/ fluff)

back to december

gwen couldn't sleep, her thoughts of you keeping her up all night. despite the snowy weather, you woke up from your sleep, exhausted and annoyed by notification that kept repeating on your phone. your expression drops when you see a text from gwen. “can i come over?” (angst to fluff)

wasted summers

one minute you were fighting the vulture, the next you were caring for gwen stacy. she hated you at first and thought you were just another person taking pity on her. as the two of you became closer, gwen realized she needed you. maybe as a friend or maybe as something more. but that all changed once miles came back. two months later, you were dropped. just like that. was everything between you two just all in your head? she said it herself, you were just a waste of time. (heavy angst to fluff)

personal heater

it’s getting a little cold in queens, and gwen doesn’t mind being your personal heater. even tho her methods are… unique. (fluff, suggestive)

truth or dare

paranoia and the creeping feeling that someone is watching you have been happening ever since the start of the school year once you got together with your boyfriend, randy robertson. but when he gets murdered and queens starts an uproar over this secret ghost killer, you get a call at night from a stranger in the middle of the night, and they wanna play a game. truth or dare? (angst, suggestive, slight fluff towards the end)

headcanons

barbie world

how gwen and you go to see the barbie movie (fluff!)

girlfriend

how you met, confessions, and relationship headcanons for your favorite ghost-spider. gwen stacy. (fluff, suggestive, small angst)

national girlfriend day

short drabble/headcanon on how gwen acts on national girlfriend day. (fluff!)

kisses

kisses and make outs with your girlfriend, gwen stacy. (suggestive, fluff)

jealousy, jealousy

your jealous girlfriend, gwen stacy, headcanons and imagines (fluff, suggestive, small angst?)

bookworm

gwen stacy with a girlfriend who loves reading. (fluff!)

icks

what gives gwen the ick in a girlfriend. (toxic traits, angst)

blurbs

can’t sleep without you

gwen has trouble sleeping sometimes due to all the stress of being spiderwoman and a student. when this happens and you’re still up, you’ll both stay up texting for a while before she forces her eyes to close. but the days she really wants to relax, which is every time she can’t sleep, she finds herself begging for you to take her in. (fluff!)

series

speak now (100 special)

more coming soon…

#🪽— angel’s navigation #gwen stacy x reader #gwen stacy x y/n #gwen stacy x you #gwen stacy #ghost spider x reader #gwen x reader #gwen stacy imagine #gwen stacy fluff #gwen stacy angst #gwen stacy fanfiction #atsv gwen #spider gwen x reader #spider gwen #gwen itsv #astv gwen #gwen spiderverse #spider gwen comics

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ninapi · 4 months

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●・○・●・○・●・○・●��○・● ●・○・●・○・●

Premise: Prince Keisuke was known to be a troublesome lad, often bringing problems to the queen herself. In an attempt to tame the wild prince, the queen calls for a powerful witch to aid him with his cause, hoping to put an end to this quest sooner. What she didn't count on was love being what he needed most.

Word Count: 2516

Note: Welcome to my first Tokyo Revengers series~ I know it's weird for my first series to be an AU and not cannon, but I've had this idea in mind for some time now and really wanted to let it out of my system lol, I hope you guys like it~

*＊✿❀ Bewitched ❀✿＊*

Chapter 1: The witch and the Prince

The Kingdom of Tokyo was noticeably the most powerful in the entire realm.

The previous King had done nothing but good things and had taken them to the highest position they could ever wish for; but he was reckless, and ended up passing at a very young age, leaving a promising future to wither with his corpse.

His wife, ended up as queen regent since their son was still too young to assume the throne. But sadly, he had inherited his father’s wild nature, and was nothing but a headache.

Being honest, the queen didn’t want to be it at all. She had married the king without even knowing who he was, it was pure love at first sight and truth to be told, his wild and reckless side was what drove her to him. She was not prepared to be queen and clearly had no interest of ever being so, but she had to take care of her husband’s legacy, at least until their son became of age to assume his role as king.

Baji Keisuke, also known as the crown prince, was not your average prince…

While he wasn’t lacking on the looks of one, his attitude was the complete opposite of what one would expect.

He was indeed smart and well versed in the arts of ruling a kingdom, yet his passion laid in battle.

Just as his father, he was constantly in the field instead of sitting on the throne listening to the town people’s complaints.

The royal guard were more like his friends than anything and would follow him anywhere.

At the head of the Royal guard was the youngest knight in history, Matsuno Chifuyu, the prince’s right hand. While he was young and seemingly inexperienced, he did more than a fantastic job aiding the prince in all his endevours, just as the second officer in command did, Satou Ryusei; though he was a lot more unreliable.

But the prince didn’t need protectors, he was strong enough. Hence, the entire army would listen to him and just him, even if Sano Mickey was indeed their actual leader and the best there was.

While the Kingdom of Tokyo was normally pretty safe and wasn’t under an ongoing war, there was a terrorist group that wanted to destroy the royal family and overtake the kingdom.

They called themselves, Valhalla.

While Hanma Shuji, their leader in name, wasn’t that much of a threat, Hanemiya Kazutora was.

He used to be a good friend of the prince, grew up playing together with him and the head of the army duo, Sano Captain and Ryuguji Ken, his right hand. They used to be best friends, all sneaked in the castle daily just to play with the young prince who was very much bored practicing how to write properly, a true joy and his best memories of childhood.

But his state of mind wasn’t always the best and after committing an awful, unforgettable crime, he was sent to the dungeons for well over a couple of years. There, he made friends of the wrong kind, and that’s what led him to be part of this horrible organization that threats the wellbeing of the entire kingdom.

So for obvious reasons, the prince was even more involved in this quest of sorts than usual. He wanted to dissolve this stupid gang, not so much thinking of the wellbeing of the kingdom, as he should be doing, but he really wanted to save his friend, to punch some sense into that empty head of his and make him realize that’s not his place to be at but at their side, just like the old times.

This quest of his resulted in multiple assaults to the Royal guard, the prince himself getting hurt in the process…and that was the last drop of patience for the queen herself.

“Keisuke you moron! Until when are you going to keep chasing that lost sheep? He’s a threat to our kingdom just send Ryusei to kill him, he has no feelings towards him…I’m sick of this quest of yours, you should be leading this kingdom not punching children!” the queen wasn’t one of decor, but that was part of her charm.

“I’m not leaving him, mother…he needs to understand what he’s doing is wrong. If his friends give up on him, then who’s going to save him?”

“Have you ever stop and think maybe he doesn’t want to be saved? Maybe he likes being with this kids better than with you. Maybe he is happy with what he’s doing and doesn’t want you saving him…” she really wanted to smack her son on the head, but he’s all covered in scratches and his arm might be broken according to the royal doctor.

“You don’t know him, mother…not like we do…” he was visibly exhausted, but his resolution would just not let him give up on his friend.

“That’s it, I’m calling her..” this got his attention, “Calling who?” he could feel anger bubbling up in his core, she was definitely going to send an assassin of her own guard to kill them all, his worst nightmare. “The witch of the forest of course.”

“Who?” that was not what he was expecting…

“The witch of the forest. You need help if you want to end this Valhalla gang thing. They don’t have magic do they? Well you’re the prince, you have more resources, if you want to “save” this friend of yours, I’m going to help you capture him alive. But the rest of the gang…I won’t accept any of them unharmed. Understood?” like the happiest puppy wagging its tail to their master, he got up and the annoyed frown from his face was nowhere to be seen. “Yes, mother.”

In all truth he didn’t like magic. To him using magic felt like cheating, but if that would avoid Kazutora from being hanged in the plaza for treason, he’d take it.

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

The witch of the forest, a legend of sorts, has always been present in the lore of the kingdom. An unknown force loyal to the crown, always there to rely on her in times of need.

No one knew how old she was, or what she looked like even. So to say Baji Keisuke was surprised when he saw the most beautiful young woman he’s ever seen in his life standing in front of him, smiling warmly as she bowed greeting him, was an understatement.

“I thought you’d be like 500 years old…” really smooth Keisuke…Chifuyu could be seen shaking his head in the background while Ryusei couldn’t help but bursting out laughing.

“I’m about our age, your majesty. The title of the witch of the forest gets passed down through generations, just as the crown will be yours one day.” she was so gracious, the way she moved, the way words came out of her mouth so beautifully, she was definitely not a normal human…

“Ugh…ok yeah…good! I mean…” he cleared his throat as to clarify what he was trying to say, “It’s good that you’re not an old lady, it would be awkward to work together since we are all in the young side…” he could feel Chifuyu’s disapproving gaze on the back of his neck. He was really not the best at talking to pretty girls, but then again, he never has to…

The lovely giggles that left your lips caused an entire tornado of emotions go rampage inside the prince, he could swear a cow just went flying by his liver as she looked at him with those sparkly beautiful eyes. “I won’t really need your help though, as you may know, we are already pretty strong. Your job is to put Kazutora in some sort of restraint so we can take him with us. The army will take care of the rest.” Ryuguji Ken, otherwise known by everyone as Draken, was nodding at his orders representing the military portion, so you just nodded as well. “Very well, my prince. I will do as you say.”

Her prince? He’s now ‘her’ prince…? Yes…he definitely was…100%…

His face was doing all sort of things now as his brain went down a dangerous path full of pink hearts floating, when Chifuyu got closer, whispering to his ear, “My king…you’re everyone’s prince…she doesn’t mean anything by that statement.”

“Oh….um…I knew that already…” coughing awkwardly, he got up from the throne, barking orders for everyone this time, “We'll leave tomorrow at dawn, I expect you all to be ready for battle by then.” He just went down the stairs, bumping onto your shoulder and giving you a nasty glare. While he was dying in the inside, he was also just a tiny bit upset that he was reading too much into things.

“He’s a great guy, think nothing of it. He’s just a bit embarrassed.” Chifuyu, being the angel he is, wanted to make sure his beloved friend wasn’t misunderstood, “He’s a bit rough in the outside but he’s a wonderful friend and has a very generous heart.” you smiled back at the blonde knight, blushing a little at his charming and soothing way of carrying himself. His words did make you feel better though and you were grateful for that.

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

It was now time to leave and you were going through your bag making sure you had everything you needed, waiting for the prince by Chifuyu’s side. Which seemingly bothered Keisuke.

The queen had given you another set of orders, you were to follow her son’s commands, yes. But you were also supposed to keep him safe. He was to return safely without a scratch on his handsome face, otherwise you’d be hanged in the plaza with the rest of Valhalla. So you’ve prepared a bunch of healing potions, just in case.

“What are you, his shadow now?” Keisuke scoffed as he saw you behind Chifuyu. You weren’t even that close, he was doing his thing and you were doing yours, nothing to fuzz about, but oh boy, was he jealous…

“Chifuyu, go with Ryusei. Witch, you go with Draken.” nodding, you walked over to the tall man wearing his military uniform, smiling warmly up at him he lifted you up like a princess and set you up on his horse before sitting behind you and keeping you close so you wouldn’t fall.

“Well shit…”

“See? She was better off with me…” Chifuyu snickered as he went on his horse all the way to the front to lead everyone out and towards Valhalla’s hidden territory.

The way there was actually lovely, the weather was nice and you’ve never seen as much of the kingdom. Draken was a gentleman and he would show you things of interest along the way, even picking a rare flower from a tree that you were interested in.

In reality, you wanted it for a potion, and that’s why he got it for you. But all Keisuke could see was a lot of flirting and giggling, love in the air as one would say. “What happened to Emma-chan you bastard…?damn womanizer…”

Chifuyu, Ryusei and Mickey could only laugh at his reactions, he was truly adorable, like a child who got his favorite toy stolen.

Though, once you arrived, the mood changed quite rapidly.

Even the trees seem to be changing, no longer green and lush, more like the dead landscape of winter. “I thought…they didn’t use magic…”

“They don’t…do they?” Draken was suddenly taken aback by your statement, all sources indicated they were nothing but a bunch of raunchy teens.

“You see those trees? We are in the middle of summer, Ryuguji-san…this is definitely a magical field. A powerful one, it’s giving me goosebumps…the blood thirst in the air…”

“Good thing we brought’ya then.” nodding, you got your staff out, getting ready for a different type of battle.

“Your majesty, the girl says they have a magic wielder. We must be cautious.”

“Cautious my ass, I’ll kick them all where it hurts and we can go home with Kazutora before lunch.”

The prince had a reputation of being invincible, but this was different, you had an awful gut feeling, though before you could say anything, scary looking guys came out of nowhere from every possible direction. They looked almost like zombies, like if someone was controlling them like puppets. “Chifuyu…they have a high level wizard amongst them. I will go see where the spell is coming from, they’re being controlled, don’t hurt them.” he just nodded and kicked one of them on the face as it was coming after you, giving you enough time to go your way.

On top of a big pile of trash rested a hazy figure, a dark aura coming out of him, “So they called back ups…I won’t let you interfere with my plans…”

“Who are you…?”

“Kisaki Tetta at your service, lovely. Wielder of dark magic and the one who will kill the Baji dynasty, the commander of the army must become our true leader…Valhalla is where he belongs…”

“Kill you say….?” without letting him finish you sprinted back to where the fight was, desperately looking for Keisuke…”My prince…where are you…?” drops of blood kept flying from everywhere, making your uneasiness grow, but then you saw a dash of blond hair running towards the prince with a knife in his hand.

Casting a spell has never been easier, in a split of a second Prince Keisuke was floating in a bubble above everyone else. Kazutora was left speechless as his target disappeared right in front of his eyes, the confused crazed look on his face a disturbing sight. “I will not let you touch him, you rat! CHIFUYU NOW!” In a matter of seconds Kazutora was surrounded by the top tier of the royal guard and the army as well.

“Capture him alive, respect the prince's wishes. The wizard already escaped…but I had to save your majesty...”

“You did good (Y/N)…thank you…” Chifuyu lost two lives at the moment he saw you cast your spell, seeing his best friend and role model almost being killed right there and then, an awful revelation.

Keisuke was watching everything from his comfortable and safe bubble, the way you commanded his men, the way you saved his life…how you chose to save him even if that meant letting a dark wizard escape. Even if these were his mother’s orders, he could see in your face how terrified you were when you saw that knife in Kazutora’s hand. You can’t order people how to feel, that was real fear.

It made him feel warm inside…for a few seconds at least, until he realized the weight of the situation and the fact that one of his best friends really wanted him dead…

●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・● ●・○・●・○・●

Masterlist

#tokyo revengers #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo rev x you #tokyo rev x y/n #fluff #tokyo rev fluff #baji keisuke #baji x reader #baji x you #tokyo revengers baji #baji fluff #tokyo rev fanfic #baji au #royal au #fantasy au #fantasy romance

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lovelyyandereaddictionpoint · 1 year

Note

Back with event with Crewel daughter after the guys trying to steal Persephone gem/crown, she still invite what limited guests she can for the Plentiful Harvest at her school, where her dorm and villainess school ( Black Cat Academy) have plenty of harvest of Persephone and Nyx as the two dorm from opposite schools are in a good relationship for centuries, and also Crewel daughter is very popular with the villainess school to the point she sometimes get invitation to go there

Let's say Ruggie, Malleus, Lilia, Idia, Rook, and Vil went to the harvest festival

( now separately pls for this ask )

Let's say they see her wearing a toga that looks liked a wedding dress as it's represented how Persephone return to the underworld with Hades, and they teases her making her blush, but she did admit she wanted to married someone who she love and doesn't mind if the person who she love have flaws, rich, or poor, as long as he's educated, able to listen, and make her happy and to not cause her harm she be happy to married them, just need her father and grandparents approval as it's custom for her home

Well first and foremost Crewel’s daughter doesn’t blush and if you do it's only lightly because you can keep your cool like that

Who’s daughter do you think are

And the Princess academy you attend would not be welcoming to your Night Raven friends

Especially friends that have already been found to cause trouble

Hence your own punishment and double crossing in the first place

But let's say we pick a different venue

A neutral ground for both the Black Cat and the Princess Academy

inviting RSA and Night Raven as well (and maybe Noble Bell if their students cough cough Rollo behave)

To celebrate a day for a Plentiful Harvest the schools will choose their patrons to represent a greek goddess or god depending on the artifact or descendent that’s present

While Harvest isn’t the typical time period to celebrate Persephone you still maintain her image

If only to honor the surviving relative of Demeter who is the main focus of the event

Thus you fashion yourself in a form fitting white dress only slightly modernized from the Ancient Greek bridal dress

Finally able to pull away from the various rituals and festivals

You sit and relax as you watch different students compete in a retelling of Demeter and Persephone’s story letting the lucky few from Night Raven slip:

Ruggie Bucci

“Nishishshi is the lucky bride not happy with her groom? Maybe trading him out for me?”

As happy as he is that he’s getting free food all throughout the event he’s not happy you’re wearing the equivalent of a wedding dress and hanging on the arm of someone who can barely stand to look you in the eye Idia

You tell him about your preliminary wants in a husband

skillfully dancing around who in your circle could fit that description

He’s slick in his own way and notes that you weren’t necessarily excluding him

It bothers him but he’s not discouraged

You quite clearly informed him that you have options and last he checked he fit all those things just fine

Not that he wouldn’t mind changing anything about himself to do that

But it seems he won’t have to

“Well if you ever decide to really be a bride one day it wouldn’t be too much trouble for the lucky guy to be me.”

Malleus Draconia

“You look divine, (Y/n) more so than usual. In truth I plan to see you in the position of a bride, any requirements suggestions?”

Unlike you he has one requirement and that's you

He takes you telling him this as an obvious sign that he’s allowed to court you

Blatantly revealing your requirements automatically has him especially excited

He’s heard humans recently haven’t been fond of long term commitments so this is reassuring

It helps with any lingering desires to burn the the crops away out of sheer spite

He doesn’t love that you're pretending but if it means the real wedding is with him he can stomach it

“Then for the future do you favor this style? Me? I could hardly care what you wear for that day it’ll look gorgeous because its on you…but in the end it will be coming off anyway.”

Lilia Vanrouge

“Enjoying your play-marriage?”

He’s a seasoned fae and he’s pleased that you know what you want

Not to worry about your family’s approval that he’s sure he can easily win

A general knows how to negotiate

a parent knows how to offer the illusion of choice

He knows how to do both on the daily

Not to mention the fact he knows he’ll be a good husband for you

Or at least he will make sure you believe that before he gets that ring on your hand

Either way is fine

it's up to you

not really

“Hmm do you want a Winter wedding or a Summer one?“

Idia Shroud

“Uhhh-so being married, huh? Like the highest tier in a love simulator, huh?”

He’s been overwhelmed with all the extrovert activities he’s had to take part in today and all without getting to rely on Ortho

You were there but he could barely think straight before his hair was turning pink and he felt like passing out

Too many times had he actually touched you today within the rituals of the Plentiful Harvest

So to hear you so easily lay that out…he’s writing that down

This obviously means he’s gaining favor with you for you to so clearly lay out what you desire from him

He’s most definitely the smartest guy you know

And he’s well-versed in how to respect women cringe compilations told him so

Now to marry your teacher’s daughter that's like the pinnacle of the forbidden lovers trope

The perfect game with Professor Crewel as the mega boss

It wouldn’t be easy but it sure will be interesting

He just has to get the right strategy down

And Idia Shroud is never one to back down from a good game

“Just wait for it, (Y/n)! I can be the ultimate groom for you!”

Rook Hunt

“Madamoiselle Crewel you resemble a goddess in all your beauty!”

Ever prepared to listen to you he’s pleased with what he’s hearing

It's been euphoric watching you all throughout the day for the event

Your beauty is next to ethereal when you reveal something about yourself

And he’s swooning

Despite his incessant devotion to you he can’t help but watch stalk from afar only to discover something new about you

Its always exhilarating

It’ll be even more so when he makes you aware that that's exactly his prerogative

“Madamoiselle Crewel your hand is a prize for those who should earn your love! Those willing to persist in the hunt for the beauty you hold within and out. Shall we commence in a life-long chase?”

Vil Schoenheit

“As expected you look gorgeous, I only wish I could have taken the my place by your side.”

He’s already on it

Even working your family relations has been something he’s working to gain

His beauty stems deeper than just looks

All he’s waiting for is you

And while that may take awhile he’s aware this is a marathon

not a race

So as long you stay within reach and never forget how perfect you both are for one another

He’ll be fine with that

“Surely, you’re aware of what your words mean to a young man like myself? Now I can’t have you off with anyone lesser, now can I? Not that I’d let you anyway but decorum is something we both have an affinity for.”

467 notes · View notes

moghedien · 2 years

Text

Greta Gill: Visibility and Isolation

It’s safe to say that I have a lot of thoughts about Greta Gill. Many of those are the obvious sapphic ones, but there’s so much more to her character than just her being attractive and gay. That is compelling, don’t get me wrong, but there’s this interesting contradiction with Greta that I’m sort of obsessed with. While she is one of the characters who gets the most screen time and who we know the most about, I don’t think it's really easy to know her. So much about her genuine character is not what is necessarily visible to the audience or other characters at a surface level, and pinning her down, to me, is a very long winded process. To really understand, we’re going to have to look at her actions a lot, so let’s just get into it because this is going to be a long analysis.

A Day With Greta

Greta and Jo are the first prominent characters in the series that Carson meets, meaning that they’re the first that the audience meets after Carson herself. When the pair see Carson for the first time, she is trying to remain unnoticed as she follows them to tryouts. But once they notice her, it's fairly obvious that they clock her…as a ball player. She’s dressed to play baseball, carrying luggage, and sticks out like a sore thumb compared to the other women in the street, just like they are. Jo tells Carson that she can’t follow them because she’s competition, but Greta says she doesn’t look like much. When Carson sticks up for herself a little, Greta tells her to come with them then.

Jo seems a bit annoyed at Greta telling Carson to come along, but she says “it’s fine,” and the trio get to walking and talking. Greta is immediately friendly and chipper, but when you look at what she actually says, she’s kinda cagey. She mentions people “not having time to read in New York,” which is obviously a lie given New York city has probably the biggest literary scene in the country, and given that we know that Greta has read at least one book. But this was most likely said so that she could drop information about herself, as this implies to Carson that’s where she’s from. Strangely, when Carson asks outright if that’s where she’s from, Greta doesn’t agree to it outright.

It’s not something that immediately gives off an odd impression. It actually just sounds like she’s trying to brag. “The Big Apple, Houston, Paris. Which is in France. Ever heard of it?” She’s being a little snobbish, but in a way that’s clearly meant to impress Carson specifically, but she doesn’t say she’s been to these places. She says she’s from these places, which gives a very specific impression of a childhood spent moving from place to place with family. That doesn't necessarily have to be what she means, but it's the most obvious way to read this line, especially if you’re just meeting her and this is one of the first things you learn about her. Based on details we get from Greta later, we know that this most obvious reading isn’t the actual truth. Maybe not a lie, but not a complete truth, and she’s at the very least not wanting to give specifics about her origins.

Immediately after this, we get a much more blatant lie. After Greta distances herself from New York and insists that she’s “from all over,” Jo brings up that she dated a movie star. Greta immediately seems playfully annoyed by this being mentioned, but she and Jo simultaneously reveal the person to be “Hendricks Johnson from the Wizard of Oz.” She explains that he is one of the lollipop kids.

Now, this is very clearly a provable lie and we don’t need to have hindsight of knowing that Greta is a lesbian to know this. Lesbians can have dating histories that include men after all, so why do we know that this is definitely a lie? There’s no Hendricks Johnson in the Wizard of Oz.

The actors that played the lollipop guild members were Jackie Gerlich, Jerry Maren, and Harry Earles. There isn’t an actor with the name Hendricks Johnson in the 1939 film–which is definitely the one being referenced here–nor is he in the cast of the 1925 silent movie. There doesn’t seem to be anyone that exists with that name, in fact. It’s a complete fabrication, and that’s the point.

From the way that Jo brings it up and Greta’s reaction to it being brought up, it seems to clearly be a joke between them. We lack any context for its origin, and with hindsight of knowing about Greta and Jo’s queerness, it seems and odd thing to bring up to a stranger. At least it does at first glance.

As a reminder, immediately before Jo brought up Hendricks Johnson (whoever that is), Greta was listing off the various places she’s supposedly from, and she’s doing this specifically after Carson seemed impressed about the prospect of her being from New York. Greta immediately downplays the extent that she’s from New York, but then starts bragging about other places she’s from. “Paris, which is in France. Ever heard of it?”

Greta’s tone is bragging here, but there’s more than a bit of playfulness. She’s turning around while walking to smile at Carson and see her reaction. Then Jo jumps in to bring up this man that Greta supposedly dated, but definitely did not actually because that man doesn’t exist. Greta is instantly amused by Carson, instantly seems to be checking her out and interested in her. Maybe she even clocks her completely right here, and she goes straight into trying to get to the bottom of that (intentional wording). Jo is the one that slows her down and this happens out in the open with no one watching ever knowing the wiser, unless they are already in the know.

But maybe Jo doesn’t bring this up just to cover for Greta’s lack of absolute discretion. Or maybe Greta simply takes an opportunity, because after revealing that she dated this fake lollipop kid, she leans in close to Carson and adds some details.

She says that he was the one that actually handed the lollipop, but gets cut off before saying to who. It’s obvious that she was going to say Dorothy, but doesn’t get the chance to actually say that name, and after Jo interrupts, the conversation never gets picked up again. In fact, the Wizard of Oz doesn’t get brought up again at all until episode six. That episode deals heavily in Wizard of Oz references, from opening to ending scenes, but the first time in the entire season when someone finally says Dorothy’s name is in this specific context:

Here, Carson is very blatantly asked if she’s queer using that phrase. The name Dorothy is explicitly linked with queerness. Relate this back to the first episode when one of the first things that Greta tries to talk quietly to Carson about is Dorothy, but she gets interrupted before getting the chance to actually do so. It’s unlikely that Greta would have actually asked the question of Carson right there in the street, only a handful of minutes after meeting her, but it's part of a long build up to eventually asking that question. All of this is happening in Carson’s point of view, in her storyline, and the only context in which Dorothy is every brought up in her storyline is in reference to queerness.

Greta and Jo have built up a lie that specifically allows them to bring up Dorothy (which the show tells us is associated with queerness) while also protecting Greta from being outed, as it's in the context of her dating a man. It gives anyone who hears that story the chance to show some sign of recognition at the name Dorothy and convey some connection to it, but to anyone else it's just a story. It’s a very subtle way of beginning to advertise their queerness without actually doing so. It protects them from having to be the first to out themselves to other queer people.

This is only a few minutes into the show at all and even less time since we’ve been introduced to Greta, but it's an immediate reflection of who she is as a character. She flirts. She brags. She lies, but she lies in extremely specific ways. She lies by exclusion to play into people’s assumptions about her without saying anything outright, and she lies outright to protect herself from being outed as a lesbian. And Jo is there to help her as she does this.

This scene on the street ends with Greta flirting with some soldiers to get cigarettes for herself, Jo, and Carson. This is something she does in a pretty showy way, and then makes clear to Carson that she was only getting cigarettes for all of them. She’s putting on a show for Carson while giving the appearance to anyone not in the know that she’s into men, including Carson herself if she’s not actually a friend of Dorothy.

Then Greta notices the wedding ring and immediately points it out. She asks Carson what her husband thinks of her playing baseball and she listens and watches as Carson talks about it. Just looking at her expression, she is clearly intrigued by Carson. We don’t know what she’s thinking about when Carson is talking about her husband, but she’s clearly having some thought. When the camera shows Carson, you can see Jo looking at Greta and occasionally nodding or making a face to something Carson says. Then Greta declares, “This is really boring,” and they continue on to tryouts.

This is our first look at Greta, and it actually reveals a lot more that it might seem. She likes to impress. She likes to tell stories that make people–particularly random female baseball players–think she’s impressive. She obscures details and outright lies to protect herself, but will still flirt while doing it. And she’s with Jo.

The first time and really the entire time we see Greta this episode, she’s not alone. Jo is there to chime in. Jo is there to hold her suitcase when she goes to get cigarettes. Hell, Jo is even telling her where to go from the first shot we have of them, because Jo is the one with the map. It’s always Greta and Jo. Carson is the tagalong in this instance.

As the episode moves on, we see Greta keeping up this demeanor if not quite as obviously. She makes sure to wave to Mr. Baker. She winks at Carson at tryouts and continues to keep her around for no apparent reason. And she is always with Jo. When all of the other girls are readying for bed, she, Jo, and Carson are there but not really interacting much with the other girls. Jo and Greta seem to be talking to each other and Carson seems to be more or less there. It might be assumed that she’s being humored, except whenever Carson tries to go off on her own, Greta and Jo go after her.

Greta and Jo come into Carson’s room uninvited and Greta asks to cut Carson’s hair. When Carson allows it, it seems like Jo’s gone and it's just Carson and Greta. This is the first time Carson is alone with Greta, but keep in mind that we haven’t seen Greta alone yet. She comes into the room with Jo and we don’t see when she and Carson eventually part ways for the night. There isn’t actually an instance of Greta being actually alone this entire episode.

What we do see is that in this scene, Greta sneaks a peak at what Carson had been writing on the first indication that she’s not being watched. On an initial viewing, the assumption most viewers would likely have is that she’d read it and keep the fact that she read it to herself. Maybe she will bring it up sometime down the line when she thinks she has some way to use the information, but that isn’t what happens. Literal seconds after reading it, she reveals what she’s done.

As soon as Greta reads what Carson wrote and decides it fits the assumption that she had of Carson, she immediately admits that she read it. She doesn’t ask Carson to explain what is going on with her or what exactly she meant by “There’s something wrong with me…” She expresses interest in Carson’s story, but frames it as something actually interesting to her. She doesn’t ask the question in a way that suggests she finds it amusing or wants to make fun of Carson for it. She sounds genuinely interested.

While Carson is initially hesitant to share anything–not the least because she doesn’t exactly get what’s going on with herself–Greta’s interest gets her to reveal details pretty quickly. It’s more than safe to assume that Greta has been picking up hints of queerness from Carson this entire day, and she read Carson’s note and found it to verify her assumptions. If she isn’t completely certain of Carson’s queerness at this point, she knows its a possibility, and one getting stronger and stronger as she learns about Carson. So instead of hiding the fact that she looked at the note, she tells Carson. Because Greta doesn’t like hiding. Not in herself or in others, especially when it comes to people like Carson. I’ll explain what I mean by that in a moment.

The more Greta learns about Carson and the more sure she is that she clocked Carson correctly, the more sympathetic and encouraging she is. She pushes Carson to explain exactly what she wants and to not second guess chasing that. She encourages Carson to stay on her chosen path to the point where she’s helping Carson write the letter to Charlie. Specifically, she’s making sure that Carson writes the letter clearly, that her feelings are made evident and concise. She makes sure that Carson uses nice paper and a pen with a flex nib–which indicates a focus on nice handwriting if you’re not a freak who knows about pen nibs like me. The letter appears thought out and perfect so that it can’t seem hastily done and dismissed as a panicked response from Carson feeling weird about running away.

All of this happens on the first day that Greta knows Carson. It seems odd, especially for someone like Greta who gives an appearance of someone who’s worldly and who doesn’t care about things like books and whatever farm Carson is from (she’s not from a farm). Greta doesn’t initially seem like someone interested in taking in a farm girl she found on the street and helping her find herself. So let’s reframe Greta’s actions up to this point a bit.

Greta and Jo have just arrived in Chicago and while on their way to baseball tryouts, find a woman following them. Unlike literally every woman on the street around them, this one is wearing a jumpsuit and a baseball hat and clearly looks lost. When Jo confronts her, Carson stammers and tries to brush it off. She tries to fade back into the background and go unseen, and would very likely try to keep following them regardless. Greta watches this and you can visibly see her expression change as she realizes that the person following them is a scraggly little farm girl (though she isn’t actually from a farm) dressed to play baseball and clearly clueless on how to get around the city. Greta sees someone with something very visibly in common with her and Jo, but who’s trying to remain unseen and doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing. So, Greta invites her to just tag along, because she’s going to be there anyway.

Then Greta spends the rest of this first day with Carson doing two things. First, she draws attention to herself but in very specific ways. She makes herself prominent in Carson’s view, but remains in control of exactly how she’s seen and what Carson learns about her. Second, she does her very best to draw out the hidden details from Carson. She sees Carson trying to hide herself physically and emotionally, and she nudges her out of that inclination. She finds a woman like her in at least one way, sees her alone and tells her to come along and follow her and Jo. Once Carson makes that choice and it remains looking like she wants to be there, Greta doesn’t let her isolate or hide herself again.

This is all a very long winded look at Greta’s complicated relationship with visibility and isolation. This is only a handful of hours in her life, coming from the point of view of Carson, but here we see Greta is never alone. Greta thrives being seen and controlling how she’s seen. She actively makes sure to be getting the attention she wants at every public moment, and she does not like finding people that are struggling to do as she does. Especially when those people seem to at least in some way be part of her crowd; people like her. When it comes to people like her struggling in some way, Greta’s instinct is always to take matters into her own hand. She puts herself out there so that they are a bit less hidden and alone, and she does her very best to keep it that way.

A World of Complications

In a perfect world, Greta would not have any issues making herself known and finding comfort in the presence of others. In even a more comfortable imperfect world, there might be struggles but it wouldn’t be impossible. Greta Gill lives in a world where she is aware of what she wants, but she’s also aware that it's impossible to obtain. For all that she hates hiding, not controlling her image, and being alone, it is impossible to achieve all freedom from all of these things.

When the Peaches make their way to Rockford, they are arriving in a much more permanent residence. With any degree of permanence, Greta’s actions start to change some. She revels in the company of her new teammates, but she doesn’t make any obvious alliances with anyone other than Jo. She and Jo came onto the team as an established relationship (something that is clearly known by the team) but she doesn’t make any new close friendships in an obvious way. At the bar, she does go to talk to Carson twice, but Lupe also talks to Carson and Greta can be seen talking to Jess and others. Even walking to the bar, she stayed by Shirley rather than anyone else she was more familiar with. It's not obvious what is going on there, as the only person that Greta sticks to at the bar is Jo. She leaves Jo when Carson is sitting alone, but once Jo is dancing alone, she leaves Carson alone again. To anyone watching, Jo is the most important person there to Greta. She dances with Jo. She always returns to Jo once she’s bounced around talking to various teammates. Jo is the most important person to Greta, which does help hide the fact that she’s flirting with Carson publicly.

At this point, Greta is still in control of how she’s viewed by strangers. She isn’t seen in the corner flirting with Carson and taking her hand to lead her to a storage closet. She’s seen as the person loudly joking with Jo and dancing weirdly. This is evident by the fact that when Clance and Max see the Peaches dancing strangely and pointing it out, its Jo and Greta they’re seeing.

Greta is clearly trying to be seen, to be public (she was the one that had the Peaches go out in the first place), but to also get what she wants. And what she wants just happens to be something that isn’t allowed and would put her and others in danger. So she tries to balance those needs. She has fun with a crowd around her and is showy as she wishes. Then, when she’s finally sure about Carson’s queerness and attraction to her, she goes somewhere dark and hidden to do something about that. She’s careful to control exactly who sees her doing what at this point, but there’s a problem with that.

Because this shot is from Max's point of view.

While Max doesn’t actually pose a threat to Greta and Carson, this still illustrates a problem. For all that Greta does the absolute most to control how she presents herself, what she says and does in public and with who, she cannot account for everything. There is always the random coincidence that can get her caught and there is nothing she can do to account for that, except to never kiss Carson in the first place.

Now, Greta never finds out that she was seen, and so goes about with the assumption that all is fine. This, if anything, illustrates how flawed her planning and rules are. Because while she’s following the rules and is going to places of supposed isolation, that still isn’t enough to have absolute control. She leaves the bar on the arm of a man she doesn’t even know the name of to avoid being outed, when she’s in the alley with someone who could absolutely out her and she is completely unaware of it.

We don’t see Greta have to acknowledge her lack of control here, so she seems almost arrogant in how much she doesn’t realize this. However, as the show goes on, it's made more and more clear just how aware she actually is. She’s the first person that recognizes Vivienne Hughes as someone to impress, and then proceeds to make herself seen by Vivienne at practice. During Charm School, she still tries to impress Vivienne more than is really necessary for her own sake, since she is not in danger at Charm School depsite actually being one of the queers they wouldn’t want around. Jo says that they should suck up to her and Greta seems to do exactly that. And it works.

At the first game, Vivienne notes that Greta is “lovely” where no other girl gets that comment. During Charm School, Greta is able to save Jess from being sent home. Had Greta not made an impression on Vivienne, that may not have been possible. Greta immediately recognizes that she needs to not just be acceptable to this woman, but to be known and viewed as someone pleasant and lovely. It keeps her safe and it keeps people connected to her safe, like Jess in this instance.

Being seen is important to Greta. It’s the basic key to her survival. She wants to be seen on the arm of man. She wants to be seen by Vivienne. Her plans when she’s done playing baseball is to go to California (with Jo) to be in pictures. She plans on being a movie star, where her appearance and social life would only be more on wide display and up to the approval of her employers, especially in this era of Hollywood and the studio system. She is planning to get into a career that will force her into an even more artificial and performative public image, and it would make her known world wide if she succeeded. The eyes of the world would be on her and she would have to meet their approval. Even given that every moment of her life is already a performance to some degree, it still seems an odd choice for a lesbian who is seeking safety from public scrutiny or persecution. But then again, maybe it's the best choice she could make.

A handful of actors are mentioned in this season of the show. Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, Vivian Leigh, Paulette Goddard, Josephine Baker, Lena Horne, and Judy Garland are all of the names I could find (excluding Hendricks Johnson, who does not exist). Before I get into this point, let me preface this by saying that I am not going to get into specific identities and all of these claims come with varying degrees of certainty from person to person, and I won’t get into who is definitely what and who is just a maybe. I think it's pretty gross to assign labels to dead people and focus too hard on what they possibly did in their private lives. That being said, all of the claims I found were at least somewhat credible and more than just random unsubstantiated rumors. Now, let’s look at these names.

Cary Grant, Vivien Leigh, Katharine Hepburn, Paulette Goddard, and Josephine Baker all seem pretty credibly to have been some form of queer. We know of specific affairs with most of them that almost definitely happened. There are some claims of Lena Horne being a queer, but I wouldn’t say there’s much proof of that from what I can see. What there is clear proof of is that one of the closest relationships she’s had is her friendship with an openly gay man. And you don’t have to look too far before you start seeing her listed as a “gay icon,” like another notable on this list. Jimmy Stewart probably wasn’t queer, but the studio sure thought he was and made him prove he wasn’t (by making him go to a brothel, yes, Hollywood has always been very fucked). And Judy Garland is Judy Garland. What more needs to be said about Judy.

Every single actor that was mentioned in this show (who actually exists) is in some way associated with queerness. Again, I’m not going to sit here and say with absolute certainty who was and wasn’t queer, but these names have that association with them. They’re names that were highly regarded at the time and still are today. They’re very public figures and also ones that are queer either by actually being queer or by their association with queer culture (though not necessarily during this time period). This is the world that Greta wants to get into.

Now, Greta probably wouldn’t know the extent of the queerness in Hollywood at the time. It wasn’t exactly public knowledge, but given the extent of her travels and the specific places she claims she’s been, it's not impossible that she might have some idea. If she found herself in the right queer circles in, say, Paris or New York, she might have learned some things about certain celebrities or at the very least heard rumors.

Regardless, being a public figure like this would change things for her. It’d open doors to queer circles that these celebrities exist in. Circles that would be safer and more protected than what average queer people have. They have more money and influence. They have notoriety. Cops are much less likely to raid somewhere that the most famous people in the world are going to have queer relationships than they are to raid a bar full of normal queer people. If she were caught as a famous actor, she wouldn’t likely get beaten or worse as a result. She would have money to ensure privacy and independence. And not only would she be protected, people connected to her or associated with her would likely benefit from that status as well.

This freedom is what is alluring to Greta, and she can get it by becoming extremely public facing, famous, and wealthy. When Vivienne Hughes talks about her own form of independence through wealth (and fixating on public image), it's clear that this is what Greta wants.

Greta asks at least partially because she wants to suck up to Vivienne, like Jo suggested. She might have also been trying to get attention away from Carson and the others taking Charm School less seriously, as Vivienne had been scolding Carson before Greta noses herself into the conversation, but Greta’s interest in the answer seems genuine. She smirks when Vivienne gives her the answer, and you can see her afterward looking to Jo excitedly, and then again still smiling after Vivienne when she’s walking away and can no longer see Greta’s expression.

Now, Greta was always going to take Charm School seriously, but after this, we cut immediately to her following Vivienne and showing off. She makes a point to say that she’s single, hopes that the right man is out there for her, and flirts with Mr. Baker Jr. a little. Whether or not she’s safe, Greta goes out of her way to make herself seem pleasant and available.

All of this is to make it absolutely clear that Greta actively seeks attention. She wants to be seen and noticed and remembered. It is a very specific and at least partially artificial version of herself that she allows to be seen, but Greta Gill is not someone who wants to go unnoticed or hide herself in order to live the life she wants in safety. Instead, she hides in plain sight, making herself entirely visible, but making sure that it's a false version of herself that people see. The real version is allowed to move about unnoticed.

And this is actively self preservation, but it wouldn’t be fair to call it just that, because it isn’t just Greta that benefits from her being noticed. Keep in mind that the entire time she’s been traveling, it's been with Jo. While they’re both gay, Jo is more visibly queer than Greta and in a way that most society wouldn’t easily accept. But if Greta is there, taking the attention, then Jo is less likely to be noticed as anything other than connected to Greta. If Greta is seen and liked, then Jo’s safe. This sort of protection by association instinct happens in Charm School when Greta saves Jess, and when she distracts Vivienne from correcting Carson too harshly. Greta is completely out in the open, lying about herself, yes, but also exposed so that the other queer people in her life go through with minimal notice.

It doesn’t always go as well as it does in Charm School. Visibility has its costs, and that’s seen in their first game. While all of the girls put up with sexist comments by the announcer (and racists ones too in Lupe’s case), Greta is the first person to get catcalled. But that makes sense. She’s the most noticeable, not just because she’s the tallest, but because she makes herself noticeable and is always performing to keep attention on her. She waves to the crowd and puts on a show to make herself be seen, and to be seen as pleasant and lovely. Greta is the one actively doing the most for the team’s image, and it's noticed. So the first time when she is up to bat, separated from the rest of her team, she is the one a man decides to target with disgusting sexual comments.

In front of everyone–her team, the rival team, the crowd of spectators, and all of the people in charge of the league–a random man starts sexually harassing her. Greta tries to smile and perform through it, but she is clearly affected. Not only do we see her struggling to put on a good face, but she strikes out almost immediately.

And no one does anything about it.

Greta, who makes a point of making herself seen, of being the one that’s noticed, gets verbally abused in front of a literal crowd, and she doesn’t get the slightest bit of help. People are shocked and disgusted, but no one steps in and saves Greta from being humiliated.

Maybe the saddest part about this is that Greta doesn’t even really seem to expect help. She’s in front of a crowd, but in a completely isolated position when it comes to allies. The most she does to react is stare at the man heckling her, but she doesn’t say or do anything. She doesn't look around for help, she just tries to smile and get through it. She truly does not know what to do, because her way of staying safe has always been to be noticed. Now, being noticed is what made her the target of this man’s catcalls. When she looks him dead in the eye, making it absolutely clear that she’s seeing him, he only continues and makes the comments worse.

Greta doesn’t actually know what to do when she’s the target like this. Her self preservation instincts don’t help in situations like this, and she’s in a situation where being perceived as anything but pleasant will only make things worse. So she doesn’t try to defend herself. She just gets through it and then moves on. We don’t actually see Greta react to the abuse until it's Jo being targeted.

She doesn’t even let herself show anger until it’s Jo that’s the target. Then, she yells at the man and is the first person to try to stop them. She gets stopped before she can say much, but she is willing to make a scene to protect Jo’s feelings while she wouldn’t do the same for herself. This could be the accumulation of what she just experienced finally building to a point where she has enough, but given how clearly Greta seems to need to protect by putting herself in the spotlight, I don’t think it’s only that.

The spotlight is not an easy place, but it's where Greta seems to think she has the most control. She’s shown here how untrue that is in this world. She does nothing to defend herself or protect herself, but does speak up as to protect Jo and she’s rewarded for that by having Vivienne reprimand her. She’s told she’s “too much” and needs to be sweeter, but when she was doing exactly that and doing it perfectly, she was allowed to be publicly humiliated. The men were only stopped because Dove finally went to talk to them after Greta made a scene for Jo. And she’s told that she can’t even do that to protect her only friend.

With this additional public humiliation, Greta does something we haven’t seen her do up until this point. She goes off to be alone.

Moments where Greta is alone in the show are extremely rare and short, largely because we usually get Greta through Carson’s point of view, but we don’t even really see indications of her being alone often. Where we do get indications that she is alone or going somewhere by herself, it is generally a very unpleasant situation for Greta. In this case, she’s going to cry by herself in the locker room.

When we see Greta there, it’s because Carson came into the room to put away her catcher gear. We don’t know how long she’s been there or what she’s done between going off and being found. What is clear is that she didn’t want to be seen, for the first time in the show.

Carson finds her and she quickly tries to hide the fact that she’s been crying and comes up with an excuse for why she’s here. Even when Carson clearly knows that she’s crying and tries to comfort her, Greta can’t really let that happen. Instead of commiserating with Carson, the most vulnerability she allows is admitting that she “really let them get to” her, and saying that when she really wants something it doesn’t seem to work out. When Carson tries to sympathize, Greta turns that around. She starts reassuring Carson at the first inclination of Carson feeling upset.

Greta’s pain and problems are put upfront by the narrative initially, but Greta doesn’t allow that to be acknowledged. She quickly turns the attention on Carson and even wipes Carson’s eye as if she had been the one crying and not Greta. She tries to take back control of her image as the one that reassures and protects and helps. She isn’t the one that needs help. She needs to protect others because that is how she stays in control. By staying in control of her image, she can protect those around her. Looking at Greta’s actions closely makes it increasingly clear why both of those motivations are present as the season continues.

The Rules

Greta and Jo have rules to protect themselves. We don’t know specifically what all of those rules are, but we know some hints. When it comes to her romances, Greta doesn’t act close to them in public. She doesn’t go on dates. She doesn’t go to queer spaces close to home. She doesn’t go places people know about to hook up. She makes sure she’s seen with a man when she starts a relationship. To Carson, she says this last one is a rule to protect herself, but let’s pose this question: when has Greta ever expressed concern for herself and her own safety?

Because, she hasn’t actually, except in that one moment. Let’s look at what she does do. When she kisses Carson the first time, she leaves quickly and goes home with a random man and pushes back against Carson’s concerned questions, quickly distancing herself. She doesn’t even bring up the events to Carson until they’re practicing and Greta is at bat with Carson catching. She doesn’t seek out Carson and waits for them to end up semi-alone, then asks if Carson got home alright when she was the one that went home with a random man. Then when she and Carson are actually getting together, she constantly makes sure that she and Carson are only alone in places where no one knows about. She won’t even let an owl watch them, and when there is even a hint of someone nearby, Greta leaves first and leaves Carson to follow afterward.

It does seem paranoid and self preservative, but let’s look at reasons why she starts breaking the rules. When Carson is having a hard time with Lupe, Greta steps in more than once to defend Carson. When Carson is clearly stressed, she starts taking Carson to a known location (Bev’s car) to hook up. She lets Carson talk her into the date and then into going to the bar despite previously saying they were too risky.

Greta may desire to do all of these things and more, but she never gives into the dates or hook ups that break the rules until Carson wants them. She isn’t even asked to help Carson in the Lupe situation, she just does it when she sees Carson having problems. Breaking the rules does eventually overwhelm her until she snaps at Carson for supposedly always coming to Greta with her problems.

Now, it is absolutely true that Greta and Carson always talk about Carson’s problems, but as the scene in the locker room shows, that’s largely because Greta doesn’t allow otherwise. She is the one always asking Carson about what’s bothering her and trying to fix it, and when Carson shows the slightest sign of trying to do the same, Greta doesn’t allow it. She all but runs from even acknowledging that she could be in pain or danger or might need help. Because Greta doesn’t see herself as the one that gets hurt.

When Greta eventually tells Carson about Dana, we see this is why she’s been upset and snapped at Carson. She and Carson haven’t been as careful as she thinks they should be and she’s been allowing it. She’s also clearly been falling more and more for Carson, and considering this more than just a short fling. And Carson reminds her of Dana, who had fallen in love with and who was hurt because Greta wasn’t careful. Greta, though, was fine.

Greta’s entire character motivations can really be explained by her intense survivor’s guilt. She was fine, she says. Maybe she wasn’t the one that was put away and tortured in an institution, but Greta is far from fine.

Greta is obsessed with protecting people around her. People like her. Whether that be Jo who she calls her only real friend. Or Carson who she just met off the street, immediately clocked, and decided she couldn’t leave to fend for herself. Or Jess who is her new roommate and never had to worry about passing until now. Or later Carson again, who she’s started to have genuine feelings for. With her queer friends, she puts herself in prominence to take the attention and protect them. When it comes to her romantic partners, she has all the self imposed rules that she follows to protect them, because when she stopped being careful before, Dana got hurt. And she’s terrified of seeing people she loves, people like her, get hurt.

The point of the rules isn’t to stop Greta from being hurt. That’s what she tells people, and that might be what even Jo thinks. But in truth, they’re to stop Greta from hurting people. Because that’s what Greta thinks happens when she isn’t careful and in complete control of her visibility. This is all the more clear when breaking the rules does endanger someone.

In Plain Sight

As established, Greta is hardly ever alone in the series. When she is, it’s always in moments of pain, frustration or otherwise negative emotions. When she’s alone, it's always a struggle, as she’s confronting some kind of vulnerability that she doesn’t know how to deal with, and honestly can’t by herself. She’s not good at being alone and doesn’t seem to like it anyway.

Yet at the same time, she cannot be genuine in crowds or public spaces. She is always putting on an act, a performance. But you see her really wanting to drop it. Throughout the season, as her relationship with Carson gets more and more real, we see Greta making more and more public hints at acknowledging it. She makes playful comments at Carson with the entire team around, making Carson wish her luck or saying she “almost got lucky” when she was almost roomed at Carson (it’s supposed to be assumed that she’s talking about the card game she’s playing, but she’s looking at Carson quite obviously) She making very curious “oooh” sounds when Carson is more assertive and almost holds hands with Carson on the bus.

It’s like she almost can’t help herself, but every time she does this, she seems genuinely happy. Even when she is expressing disappointment in not getting to room with Carson there’s a little smirk to her. She enjoys these little moments of publicized honesty, even if there’s no way of anyone being able to see them for what they really are. Actually because of that, she never quite gets to the moment of fully realized joy in them, because they still have to be subtle enough not to be noticed. She gets closer to absolute genuine joy when she’s in relative privacy with those she can be true with, whether than be intimate moments with Carson or just being around the other queer Peaches at home once they’re all out to each other.

These are still rather isolated places, however, or places where she has to be somewhat on guard. There is only one point in the show where Greta is able to be completely honest and drop her performance for five minutes. The result is the moment where I believe is the only place Greta shows absolute, honest, unrelenting joy.

It’s when Greta is at the bar.

Screenshots don’t really do the scene justice, so I really recommend watching her expressions in this scene or checking out gifs of it (like the set linked here). Greta’s expression here is why I started writing this in the first place. We never see her looking like this at any other point in the season.

She’s not trying to look charming. She’s not trying to appeal to anyone in this room. She’s not trying to look poised and collected and available, because she’s not and this is the first place we see her where she can be honest about that. She’s here with Carson, with Jo, and surrounded by people like her for the only time in the season. We know that Greta hates being alone, and hates hiding. This is the first time we see her out in the open and not hiding while doing so. These five minutes are the only five minutes we see Greta Gill in absolute bliss.

And unfortunately, we know how this ends.

The one time we really see Greta getting everything she wants, it's violently taken away, and it results in Jo getting hurt and forced to leave for another team. That’s not even mentioning all of the other people that got hurt or worse at the bar. It validates everything she believes; every concern or fear she’s ever admitted. When she wants something, it doesn’t turn out right. When she isn’t careful, she’s fine, but people she cares about–people like her–get hurt.

The Isolation of Greta Gill

When Greta is alone, it’s always an unpleasant situation. She’s being catcalled while at bat. She’s crying in the locker room. She’s cursing in frustration in Bev’s car after fighting with Carson. In episode 7, we see the absolute worst of this.

After the bar gets raided, Jo leaves. Then Charlie comes and Carson leaves with him. Jess and Lupe are out looking for Esti, meaning that not only does Greta not even have a roommate in this moment, she doesn’t have anyone who understands the depths of what just happened. Her only real friend is gone. Her lover’s gone. The only other people who know that she’s queer and would understand the danger she was just in, are gone. Greta is surrounded by women in this house, and yet she is the most alone she’s ever been and it's at the absolute worst time.

And it's not just that she’s alone, it's that it doesn’t seem like she’s ever going to get any of them back. She tried to get Jo to leave with her, and Jo refused to go because she was tired of running away for Greta. She knows that Carson isn’t going to give up her comfortable life after the night they just had, and that’s before Carson’s husband showed up and Carson left with him. Any reassurance to Greta that she isn’t a walking time bomb to everyone she cares about has come up hollow at this point.

Now, before we look at Greta’s reaction to this, let’s look back a little. First, let’s look at how Greta viewed her and Carson’s relationship. To Greta, it was always supposed to be a fling, not a long term relationship. She tells Carson this outright.

After Carson asks Greta if she’s been with a lot of women, and with a lot of married women specifically, Greta tells her that it can be good for her marriage. She doesn’t pose herself as a rival to Charlie, and doesn’t even let that be a possibility here. She tells Carson that at the end of the season, they’ll go their separate ways, and this will just have been a fun fling for them.

You can, however, read into both of their reactions to them. We don’t see them continue to talk after this and it feels somewhat awkward. Carson seems almost disappointed and Greta puts a grape in her mouth which she seems overly focused on eating. Before this subject even came up, Greta seemed to be holding back what she felt. When Carson is laughing, before telling her that she’s beautiful, Greta looks like she’s bracing for something.

Greta isn’t getting attached. She’s not even letting that be a possibility at this point. We don’t really have an idea of how many women Greta has been with, much less how many of those were married, but she makes it clear that it's a lot. From the way she talks about it, those relationships always seem to be flings. She doesn’t even consider the possibility of anything else with Carson, and the only time we ever hear her talk about being in love is when she’s mentioning Dana. If she’s had serious long term relationships since Dana, then we have no way of knowing but we do know that they clearly didn’t last because Greta’s here. And also because we know that Greta is always on the move. She’s “from all over.”

So when she’s in relationships like the one she tried to have with Carson, Greta is the third wheel there. She’s not expecting or asking for any kind of commitment. She’s not even going to be staying around. They’re adventures. Everyone at the end will go home with just the memories, but that’s another problem for Greta, isn’t it?

Because the thing about Greta is that she’s from all over. She and Jo have been traveling the world together for a long time. We know that Jo’s grandma kicked her out, but we don’t know specifically what happened with Greta’s family. We do know two things. First, we know that despite Greta initially being hesitant to tell Carson that she’s from New York, she does eventually admit that she is.

We also know that they seem to be trying to avoid Greta’s mom, since even now Greta doesn’t want her to know where they are.

Lastly, we know that Greta was only 17 when she was with Dana, and the fallout of that seemed to put them at some risk and is what lead to her and Jo becoming concerned with following rules and being careful.

They’re running from their pasts as much as they’re traveling to see the world, and their pasts seem to be in New York. That is where they met as kids. That’s probably where Greta’s relationship with Dana happened, and it’s also probably where Greta’s mom still is and probably Jo’s family too. Greta never let herself consider anything more than a fling, because she has to run from what happened in New York. She doesn’t seem to keep in touch with anyone, much less the women she had affairs with because she tells Carson she only has one actual friend. Up until this point, Greta always had Jo along. So even if she could never have a genuine long lasting romantic relationship with a woman and had to constantly move to avoid danger, she always had her very real and strong friendship with Jo. Until Jo refused to go with her.

With Jo leaving her behind, this is the first time Greta is actually truly alone. Jo was the one relationship that Greta actually let be long term. Jo connected her to her past and knew all of what she was running and hiding from. Jo was always there when Greta was going somewhere. So when Greta leaves in episode 7, know that this is the first time in her life that she is actually alone.

By this point, I genuinely do not think Greta expected Carson to come and stop her from leaving. She was quite literally at a breaking point, and saw herself ruining every relationship she had just by being there. She survived everything, just to end up standing completely alone, and if she attempted to stick around like everything was normal, things would just proceed to fall apart around her and more people would get hurt. That’s what always happens.

Because Greta doesn’t see the people she helps. She doesn’t really even think about the fact that she saved Jess until Carson brings it up, and even then she doesn’t give herself credit for it. She doesn’t consider that she helped Carson stick around long enough to discover herself and what she wanted. Greta does these things by just performing as she’s supposed to. She doesn’t see that as a choice or a good deed. All she sees is that people get hurt whenever she tries to get something she wants, and in the end, she’s by herself.

Back to New York

So what does all of this mean for Greta in the end? Honestly, I have no idea, but there’s the seed of something there. We know Greta changes her plans of going to California when she gets an offer to work for Vivienne. She decides to go to New York instead, which is notable because not only is she going there alone, she’s probably taking an enormous risk going to New York.

We don’t know if she’s been there since she left, but it’s probably where the mom she doesn't want to find her is.. It’s probably where Jo’s family is and Dana’s, and all of the bad history she’s spent her whole life running from. She is choosing to go back there, and not only that, she asked Carson to go with her.

Not only was she willing to return there, she was willing to take someone she loves there and have a long term romantic relationship. Before when she tried to go off alone, she was running to isolate herself for the sake of others. Now, she’s going because she genuinely seems to want this job and she’s willing to be with Carson there. Potentially around people who know more about her than any of her social performances could mask.

But of course, we know that Carson doesn’t go. There’s a bittersweet kind of feeling there, but it does seem to be good for Greta at this moment. Because this is going to be the first time that Greta is truly going off by herself, and she’s doing something that she wants to do. She’s not going there to perform for the pictures or run away from some romance gone wrong. She’s going back somewhere where she and her loved ones had been in danger, because she wants to. Because there's opportunity there that she wants to pursue for herself. This is the first time we see Greta Gill doing something she wants for entirely her own sake, and I do think that for now, she does have to do it alone.

Because her relationship with Carson didn’t just open Greta up romantically. Like Greta had done with her, Carson gave Greta permission to go for what she wanted. Whether that be the possibility of a long term relationship, a career where she’s asked to be herself, or just the ability to face her past and stop running. Regardless of what she wants, she needs to figure that out for herself, alone.

___________________________

Other ALOTO essays:

Lupe, Carson, and Gaydar

Queerness, Contamination, and the Neurosis of Shirley Cohen

Max in Oz

#greta gill #a league of their own #league of their own #aloto #Final Word count: 9150 #aloto analysis

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