#I had to show him the sure Jan clip because he didn’t know it as a meme | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

feuqueerfire · 2 years

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Cupid's Last Wish Live Blogging

I am mostly here for the gender of it all. I also wanna see Jan. I've clips on tiktok and gifs on here about the show and like them well enough, so hopefully I'll like the show! Also when the trailer for this came out a week or two before it was being released on Disney+, I literally became addicted to it and watched it so many times and was quite upset it wouldn't be immediately available on Youtube and it became one of my most anticipated for 2022 BLs. Here we finally are so many months later lol

I've heard quite a bit about the flaws (people don't like the body swap but I'm mostly in it for that, hate Mix's character Win, and apparently the villain at the end is badly done) so I'm going in knowing what I want + some possible flaws, so hopefully that'll make me be able to enjoy it more than if I didn't know the flaws beforehand. Actually, I think people said they treat the female character as way too delicate and were too protective and controlling over her, so that could annoy me.

Episode 1 (July 26)

1-1

some farm boys doing some farm things

Jan hello! aka Lin

What's the timeline? Their father very recently died -> the calf is born a few days later? -> then the funeral

1-2

I think I knew that White is in this

I guess the little teasing over the ice cream should be sweeter vs not shows that Korn can make Win smile even when he's upset and take his mind off of things

bro these people rich as all hell. the daughter just inherited 15 million baht = 500k CAD. Like sure they live in a nice house and have a farm with multiple employees but dang

Bruh I do understand being like ummm why would my father give 1/4 of this family business to somebody who is not family but damn talk about yelling, being a dick, and jumping to conclusions. + it's not like he's leeching off of the farm, my guy Korn works there lol. Although I also think Korn should've told Win that he was gonna get some shares because withholding that kind of information leaves room for doubts/suspicion

damn Korn really had clothes over at Win's place

1-3

Win really is a dickhead, why'd he yelling at everyone

I don't really get the passage of time in this show so far lol. How long has it been since the father's funeral and seeing the will

bruh what does Lin mean by "Win found out about our bakery shop" like uhh it's supposed to be a secret? How? It'd be related to the farm and also the family's businesses so how would it be a secret? Also "our"? Lin and Korn planning to open a bakery shop behind Win's back?

1-4

bro Win is scary. i hate how he yells and has terrible anger issues and for some reason has power over everybody else

the instrumental coming out when Win (as Lin) successfully evades everybody and tries to hurt Korn but ends up in his arms instead lmfao

There's nothing explicitly misogynistic but the vibes in general are patriarchal and sexist lol

Episode 2 (July 26)

2-1

lol Win stubborn as hell. If a monk came in without me calling for me, identified me in my sibling's body, told me my deceased father let him know what's going on, and gave me the solution to go back to my own body, I would simply listen when he said I shouldn't travel alone because it'll bring me bad luck and just go with my ex-best friend instead

Jan acting as Win is so delightful. I like how her mannerisms and way of speaking changed from how meek they made Lin. I guess we'll continue getting more of Win slipping up and speaking the way Win/a boy does but he's in Lin's body

2-2

omg it's been a year since the funeral and the will debacle?

Korn following around Win trying to convince him to get in the car is cute

Win I know this is like your 2nd day being seen as a girl but hitch-hiking is so T.T

2-3

Usually I'd be eating this scene of men asking to be slapped/hit uppp but uh these men are fucking creeps leave Win/Lin alone!

2-4

Seeing Jan appear really does make me smile I think she's doing well as Win.

I like Korn and Win's bickering and teasing hehe

Here comes the song I liked from the trailer!

Ohh there's a post-credit scene. I remember seeing clips from this when the show was airing and was like dang how are they so buddy buddy I thought Win hated Korn.

Episode 3 (July 26)

3-1

There have been interesting transitions between seeing Win or Lin but this time being when Korn's holding their eyes open is hilarious lol

Just Friends? by Tilly Bird. idk if they actually played this in Bad Buddy but it was in a Bad Buddy playlist

Win being scared of ghosts is endearing enough for now but might get old quick. It's at least better than Porsche's being scared of ghost schtick

3-2

Mix has such sparkly eyes

Win accidentally telling on himself that he checks up on Korn's Facebook lmfao

Win is such a dickhead but so funny with the "Let him call you again outside of work hours and put me of the phone! I'll play the role of a bitchy faen and yell at him"

3-3

lmfao I was wondering when the young woman traveling alone with young man gossip/worry aspect of this was gonna come about

damn Win: "You don't want me to watch a cold cuz I'll be a burden right?" Korn: "No it's because I care. I care about Lin." rip to Win

3-4

lol I like them just driving, eating, visiting temples

Just Friends by Tilly Bird once again. The French subs have translations of the lyrics and yeah I guess the song really suits the friends to lovers storylines

lmfao this vision of them frolicking while dancing to the song?

Very bingeable show. The last 3 Taiwanese shows I watched before this took me a longass time to watch and even when I was watching multiple episodes in a row it was because I just wanted it to be over rather than because I was enjoying them a lot. Before than I watched KinnPorsche and for that I was watching 1-2 episodes spaced throughout a day, which is like midway binging but not quite; too many things happened in some of those episodes for me to want to watch multiple of them in one day.

Episode 4 (July 27)

4-1

lol this whole Win being lost + Korn searching for him is so contrived

4-2

Jan and Mix both know how to eat well. I wanna get Thai food so bad.

4-3

the period situation has started

lmfao Korn being soooo awkward about just buying some pads is irritating but I'll let it go cuz he seems fine otherwise

once again their bickering and arguing is funny and endearing

4-4

I know from the spoilers that the mom is supposed to the villain and I now agree that it probably won't make any sense because she seems like a caring, worried mom. I don't like her acting for crying scenes though

I hate that Win crying due to frustrated anger about not being listened to is me to a T. Also me when I'm frustrated over not having anything to eat

Naurr Win's "Get out" while hugging Korn back. Korn: "Are you sure". Win: shakes his head no and goes in for the hug again :<<< so cute

Episode 5 (July 27)

5-1

they do overuse the Win refusing to eat and then chugging it down joke but oh well

us going to see Win played by Mix have a period... I wish I didn't have a period but since I do, I wish that was me at least. wish i could shed my physical form for real

5-4

Jan as Win saying the food is too cute to eat and then ripping it's head off in a bite >:) hehe

anyway this is so embarrassing T.T I've seen clips of it but I fully thought Win was drunk lmfao

Also what right did Win have to do that to Korn's boss?

Did the period only last like a day lol fun

Episode 6 (July 27)

6-1

they were just at bangkok and are now back at the farm, how long was the detour? i guess they're really close because Korn's hotel that he works at is close

Y'know the aunt is so bossy and sassy and confident and bitchy, it's weird that Win's home vibes are so patriarchal and sexist when that's not the case for like his extended family

Bro why does Win treat everybody like shit? Like okay the angry outburst against his aunt and uncle is caused by an event, his anger against Korn has history, but him now being like "Shut up for eyes!" at Non trying to calm him down when 2 minutes ago he was yelling at Non to be a good friend and keep an eye on his farm is so agh.

Oh wait the monk guy who told Win about the holy water is his actual uncle? Like his aunt and father's actual brother.

6-2

Dang, Korn's saying he'll give his share back to Win after he's back in his body?

lmfao the mother talking all happily about how she's noticed Lin likes Korn since the father's funeral and also that Korn likes Lin back. Win meanwhile dying like Lin likes Korn?!?! + fuck Korn likes Lin

Knowing that the mom is apparently evil, I'm like nooo don't give her the bottles of holy water

Damn, aunt really wants her nephew to just not wake up so that they can get the shares. The farm's gonna go under without Win my guy, where'll you get money from the farm then?

6-3

Also rip Win even more because of pronouns and grammar in Thai, it's not even just that "I think Korn likes you" with an ambiguous 'you' but rather explicitly "I think Korn likes Lin" where Lin = you since she thinks she's talking to Lin. rip

bruh every time Korn looks away from the road for like long stretches to stare at/talk to Win, I wanna yell

rip "Yes, mom was right. He loves Lin."

6-4

Win continually seeing Lin's body everytime he looks in the mirror even as we as viewers see Mix is so alkdfjsakldfj

omg Win repeating "Tu es Lin. Tu n'es pas Win." while there are flashbacks to all the times Korn took care of Win throughout the trip but the same scene now followed by Lin's actual body instead of us seeing Win

Dang, Win's outbursts are fr so intense. Slapping the ocean and everything

alksdf bruh reading from the r/boyslove thread for episode 6, I've learned that people thought the aunt and uncle were actually married. As in the aunt is Win's father's sister and Gunsmile's character married her. lmfao they gave me such sibling vibes though

Episode 7 (July 28)

7-1

"Before blaming others, why don't you look back at yourself first?" So true Mr. Monk

This show is too fond of flashbacks: it's like we already saw this in 3 other flashbacks and if we didn't it's because it only happened 2 minutes ago so why do we already need another flashback

hmm is this gonna be actual character development? The monk seemed to get through to Win and now he's even apologizing. Hope it sticks

7-3

Win saying he won't treat Korn badly again + helping him with his foot and stuff, which I'm glad for but also it's only episode 7. I'll be annoyed if they make the character yell and be terrible to Korn and his family again at the drop of a hat just for some drama.

I think this show did the "list my flaws" + other person actually starts listing flaws better than when they had Mork list like 100+ flaws of Pi

What did Korn do? Did he switch the bottles of holy water?

Win's "I am picking on you, pay attention to me" killed me

7-4

loll Korn saying "good job kid" for teasing them about getting married

Episode 8 (July 28)

8-1

Bruh a kind of love confession followed by a kiss

8-2

Korn's "I'm sorry" in sand waking up to Win's "me too"

did Win... give Korn mouth-to-mouth underwater? tf

3 intense things going on (the drowning, the bottle debacle, Win's body going through it) but there's like no tension for me lol I guess I'm just not invested enough

8-4

Wow Korn smarticler than me because I thought he was straight up switching the bottles but he was actually getting more from the Abbotts and split half of the bottle he couldn't get because of his foot accident

Korn calling out for Win first after they've switched back bodies but comforting a crying Lin first rip the misunderstandings

Episode 9 (July 29)

9-1

I can't tell how Win and Lin regularly are because now they're teasing each other but Lin was so meek in the first episode against Win's abusive behaviour

9-3

This awkward ass conversation between the mom and Korn while Lin and Win sit there... I'm boutta shrivel up. the eye contact each character makes with the others, all 3 of them knowing Win was in Lin's body while the mother's unaware. Speaking of, how will they make the mother evil fr? I'm assuming somehow the mother being evil will come into play with why Korn got 1/4 of the farm but show's almost over lol

"They just kissed, what responsibility are you taking T.T" <- says I who will definitely have to marry a guy if my parents found out I was kissing him

bruh ENGAGEMENT?! is the engagement related to the mother being evil thing? now the 1/4 of the farm will also be under the family

9-4

lmfao Korn and Win having this tense, sad moment of Win denying how he feels and Korn going "If you're not too stupid, you should know how I feel" alkdjsf

all this on the day of the engagement, I'm dead

Episode 10 (July 29)

10-1

This engagement stuff is so confusing, like why haven't we gotten a single conversation between Korn and Lin? There's no tension because I know they're not gonna go through with it + the 3 people involved know about the switching bodies, so I just wanna get to the part where it's resolved

lmfao Lin and Non literally the ruse of the engagement going until straight up the day of the engagement?! This show is either repetitive with the same food jokes/Win's tantrums like in the first 3/4 or like now where nothing makes sense

10-2

bruh she's confessing her crimes but idc.

I wonder if they'll deal with the mother thing more in the next uhh 20 minutes or if we just get that 5 minute reasoning that came out of the left field + the crying/consoling of the mother

10-3

Instead of this drama, I wish we'd seen a more introspective, consistent journey for Win's anger management issues lol. My guy was abusive to his family and terrible to his friends up until like 2 days ago, I wish we got to spend more time on his growth rather than him just being mostly okay now

a little ad for the actual farm this is filmed at lol

10-4

I'm glad they gave us really cute Korn/Win in this last part because I haven't liked the last 2 episodes and didn't really care about anything in the 2 before that. At least the last segment had me smiling.

I got the gender shenanigans (the fact that Win was a guy in Lin’s body and we got to see Win and so did his friends ahh so good), I got to see Jan, I got some Thai food, so in those aspects it's good. In terms of writing, characterization and character progression, this show leaves things to be desired. The only character in the show who changes at all in Win and he just... kinda changed and stopped being a dick but I would've liked more introspection and apology and actual progression for him in the last 2 episodes rather than pointless drama, much of which came out of the left field (we really got the mom thing for like 3 minutes lmfao she orchestrated a fallout over a will + tried to marry Korn and Lin even though she knew Win likes him before).

I was bored in the 2nd half because aspects I'd liked in the second half became repetitive and then the last 2 episodes weren't repetitive because just random things were happening. It didn't make me angry because I was apathetic and didn't care, which might be worse (like for KinnPorsche, it irritated me that the plot and Kinn and Porsche's arcs were bad because I liked so many other things and wanted it to be good but here it's like whelp, I had no hope for it anyway).

Rating: 5.5/10 I've already forgotten most of the show

Tiktoks:

I searched up CLW on tiktok because I liked getting glimpses of it even though I wasn't watching it. These are all tiktoks I faved before starting the show, mostly while it was airing.

Korn making Win laugh while he's having period pains (ep 5)

Mix/Jan doing the same things as Win edit (bg music: deja vu)

"Korn help me name my boy"

Win and Lin after switching back + Win seeing Korn comfort Lin

Win being scolded by Korn and tearing up, then being hugged

#ep by ep commentary #cupid's last wish

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urimaginespimp · 3 years

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How You Get The Girl (This Love Final Part)

Bucky x Reader (elemental witch)

Set on TFATWS last episode

Note: Thank you to everyone that's tuned in, gave feedbacks, and liked/reblogged. I had to so much fun writing these! After this I’ll be working on oneshots completely unrelated to this story of several prompts.

We got a new Cap!

Previous Part: Untouchable

Marvel Masterlist

--------

“I’m serious, Shuri. I am over him.” you groaned as Shuri won’t wipe off the smug, disbelieving look on her face.

“Sure, Jan.” She replied getting up to continue on what’s she’s working on.

“Hey, I know that reference!”

“I’m just saying... Seven years of pinning over the guy – which five of it was when he was practically dead, by the way – and you’re telling me it took one confrontation for you to get over him.” She shrugged.

Some of the Dora Milaje were also in the lab, and you haven’t been vocal about it, but you didn’t miss the knowing looks they’ve been exchanging every time Bucky was brought in the conversation.

“Well, it would really be nice if you’re being supportive right now.” you sulked in your seat. Yeah, who were you kidding. Maybe you’re not completely, completely over him, but now you’re sorting to the fake it ‘til you make it method and so far, you’re doing well.

“Okay, fine. Want me to set you up with someone? My brother has some contacts around the world and I think with some buttering up he’d consider setting you up to bachelor royalties.” She wiggled her brows at you.

“May I suggest the Prince of Brunei? The internet says he’s looking for a wife.” One of the ladies snickered, making the others hum in approval.

“T’Challa knows him?” this piqued your interest. “He’s pretty hot.”

“Well make up your mind. It’ll take me a few business days of persuading my brother.” She raised her brows at you.

“It wouldn’t hurt to start dating. I’ll think about it first.” you muttered, missing how Shuri winked at the other ladies in the room. Ayo had told her in private about Bucky’s little confession to Zemo, and the princess has a few tricks up her sleeve to speed up the matchmaking process.

“I’m only staying for a few days more. It’s been a few weeks and Val’s been complaining from lack of sleep.” She’s been taking over your nightly escapades, and it’s starting to irritate her to be surrounded with so much booze but not being able to indulge.

Just then, Okoye enters the lab. “Check the news. There’s a live coverage of a hostage in New York. Sam and White Wolf are on it.”

--------

Bucky was looking over proudly as Sam was talking to the Senator.

Seeing Sam now walking over to him, he straightened up and cleared his throat. “Sorry, I uh was texting and all I heard was um a black guy in stars and stripes.”

They both chuckled, now walking side by side. “Nice job, Cap.”

“Thanks.”

--------

He’s done it. He told Yori the truth. Though now that might have been the end of their friendship, he knew the old man deserves the closure for his son.

Now back in his apartment, he took the notebook Steve once owned from his pocket, and opened it to the page where his list is. Looking over it, he saw that the only name left uncrossed is yours.

Just then, his phone pinged twice. One message was from Sam, and the other one from Shuri.

Sam’s read:

I wasn’t kidding when I told you

back on the boat that I’d get the

younger ones here to give you a

crash course on romance.

Check your email.

He rolled his eyes and opened the one from Shuri.

Y/N’s explained everything to us.

We saw you save those people,

White Wolf. Wakand is proud of you.

Brother says you’re welcome to

visit anytime. Take care!

p.s.

It’s good to know Y/N and you are

are on good terms. It finally allowed me

to set her up with one of the princes

mother’s been pestering me about. One less

off of mother’s list for me.

“Damn it, Shuri.” he groaned, reading the last part over and over again. He had to move fast. Heading over to his email, he opened the one from Sam.

The subject says:

21st century romance for reformed dummies.

There was an attached 60-second video. Clicking on it, he chuckled when Sam’s voice started booming behind the camera, where it showed two young girls and one boy, all around below 10 years of age.

“Okay, I gathered you here today because a cyborg friend of mine is need of help. I already filled you in the details necessary earlier, and all you have to do now is give him quick tips. Remember, talk slow.”

The boy on the middle spoke up. “Is she an avenger?”

“Not important, but yes. It’s the one with similar powers to an avatar.” Sam answered, followed by the two girls saying they know which one, and the boy to mutter ‘damn it I always had a crush on her...’

“Okay the first step would obviously be to say sorry.” the girl on the right said directly to the camera.

“Oh! Extra points if you do it standing like a ghost outside her door and it’s about to rain.” the other girl from the left perked up.

“I said he’s a cyborg, not a weatherman.” Sam commented, still behind the camera.

“Say you were afraid to tell her what you want.” the first girl spoke again.

“Six months is a long time to be afraid, man.” the boy in the middle spoke up this time.

“Try years.” Sam muttered.

“Then you say you want her for worse or for better!” The cheery girl exclaimed once again.

“You’ve been playing too many fake weddings, but yes, that could work.” Sam told her, making her beam, showing a missing tooth.

“Tell her you could wait forever and ever.” the boy added.

“I mean he’s already old enough to be your great grandpa but go on I guess.” Sam was snickering, causing the camera to slightly shake.

“Remind her of how it used to be. That is if he was good to her.” the more mature girl was pointing out. “Saying you’ll put her heart back together could also work.” she smiled, and the other one fake swooned on where she was standing.

“She’s right!” she exclaimed, while boy nods and says “that’s how it works.” at the same time.

Now turning the camera, Sam was now in frame.

“And that’s how you get the girl, Barnes. Straight from the local’s experts. Don’t fuck it up.”

And three voices scolded him for saying a bad word as the clip ends.

--------

It didn’t take long for him to take a flight straight to Norway where New Asgard was. This time without the aid of Zemo’s jet, he had to find the means to travel from the airport, while trying to calm his nerves.

As if the universe was on his side, a couple claiming to be heading back to Asgard allowed him to hitch a ride with them.

Now on the backseat, he tried to make small talk.

“So, uh, how are you guys settling in the planet?” he asked.

The lady on the passenger seat turned to face him with a smile. “It wasn’t easy, really. But the princess went out of her way to educate us about life here on Midgard. She’s so good at it, you’d forget she hasn’t even been living here a decade.”

He smiled. They claim you as their princess despite only being adopted by Thor. He recalls how you once rambled about being scared that they’d be indifferent towards you once Thor brings you to Asgard, one of the reasons you’ve been making up excuses to go with him.

“Why, would you look at that. We’re just in time before it starts raining.” The man driving commented.

Peeking through the window, sure enough, the sky was getting darker.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” he muttered. He might just take the little girl’s advice after all.

After getting out of the couple’s car, he ran straight to where he remembers your home was, just in time when Val just got out of your house.

“Hi. I don’t think we’ve formally met. I’m Bucky.” He greeted extending his ahand to her which she took. A skeptical look on her face.

“Call me Val. I’m sorry what are you doing here?”

“I need to speak to Y/N, please.” He answered truthfully.

“Well it’s about night time so she’s getting dolled up.” She answered

“I know, I know, it’s for her date. But that’s why I’m here.”

Val raised a brow, confused about what date he was getting all bummed about when you were only getting ready to go back to looking out for people out and about at night. But then it dawned to her that maybe this was some of your friend’s doing.

“Y-yes... the date.” She decided to play along, holding back a smirk. Just then, rain started slowly pouring, along with thunder. “Well shit, I have to help some folks get their kids back inside their homes now. You’re free to knock on her door.” She excused herself.

His own clothes were starting to get drenched when he finally knocked on your door.

No answer. He knocked again, louder this time. Now footsteps were heard coming to the door, and the knob turned as you opened it.

“Damn it, Val, the door’s not even lo-” You stopped talking, surprised at the figure that greeted you.

“Bucky... are you insane? Don’t just stand there, come in it’s raining hard.” he urged him to get in and closed the door behind you.

Facing each other, he was taking you in. Val wasn’t lying when she said you were getting ready for your date. He can’t believe he was already getting jealous of a faceless punk.

“So uh... what brings you here?” You decided to break the ice, fidgeting where you stood, still barefoot as it looked like you were gonna have to stay at home if it was going to rain this hard all night.

“Don’t go on the date.” he pleaded, confusing you.

“What?”

“Please don’t go on the date.” He repeated, now walking towards you.

There is no date, but now you were wondering why he’s telling you not to.

“Why?”

“I love you.” he answered without missing a beat, now stepping closer to you. Instead of the reaction he was hoping for, you scoffed and took a step back.

“Don’t pull a Laurie on me.” you replied, a frown etched on your face. He was confused.

“A Laurie?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen enough adaptations of Little Women to know that you’re pulling a Laurie on me.” You spat as a matter of fact. “You’re being really mean, stop it.” you crossed your arms in front of your chest.

“What? I- I haven’t even thought of that reference!” he defends himself, cheeks reddening from embarrassment. “Amy was gonna get married, Y/N.”

“Oh then by all means, feel free to come back just after he proposes.”

“W- We’re getting sidetracked here, doll. I came here hoping there still an ounce of you that loves me. Please don’t tell me you’ve completely moved on from me.”

“What, like it’s hard?” you replied. It surprised you when his brows shot up from recognition of that line.

“Now you’re pulling an Elle Woods on me!” he pointed at you in an accusatory manner.

“Don’t point that finger at me, Barnes. How was I even supposed to know you’ve seen that movie?” you rolled your eyes, walking past him.

“I watched all the movies you told me about back in Wakanda.” he spoke up, making you stop in your tracks to face him again.

“Yeah, that’s right. I watched every movie, I listened to every song, read every book you recommended, and visited every internet site you once said I might like. I was always listening even when I made it seem like I wasn’t.”

You stared at him for a second looking for any indication that he was lying. Recovering from the mild shock, you pursed your lips. “I hope you know the Porn site was a joke. Sam did it to Steve once and I just thought it was hilarious.”

His mouth twitched. Walking over to you once more he stopped when he was only a step away, not breaking eye contact.

“I’m really sorry, Doll. I know it’s bold of me to even ask you, but please give me the chance to make it up to you. And I don’t care if it’s me that has to wait for you this time. Take all the time you need, just please don’t go on that date.”

“Bucky, there was never a date. I have no idea what date you were referring this entire time.” you confessed, making him bring his hands to his face and groan, muttering Damn it, Shuri.

Hearing Shuri’s name, you put two and two together. “Is this about Shuri trying to set me up with a prince?” he nodded as answer. “Well, I did tell her I was gonna think about it.”

He removed his hands away from his face. “Please say no.” He whispered. “I’d tell you what the kids told me what to say if I have to.”

“What kids?”

“Sam got a bunch of kids on video to teach me how to win you back. I’ve already stood under the rain outside your door just like what one of the girls suggested.” Judging from the grin on your face, he was now regretting even mentioning them.

“Well go on, then.” you urged. “Let me see how much you’ve learned.”

“The first time I saw you at the airport, I got so distracted looking at you just casually sitting on top if the ramps while we were preparing to fight. That wink you sent me that day is still engraved in my mind by the way. Then I was so taken back when you bluntly told me you’re attracted to me. I-”

“I don’t think the kids taught you to remind me of my attempts to flirt with you.” You cut him off, embarrassed at the memory. He chuckled at your expression.

“Okay, okay.” he took a deep breath.

“I think I started catching feelings for you the moment they woke me up from my cryosleep and you were there to be the first one to welcome me back. I didn’t think you were still gonna be there like you told me. But you were there, beaming at me like a ray of sunshine. All my years under HYDRA, every time I was woken up, I was only ever treated as an asset. But you welcomed me like I was a friend.” his eyes were starting to get glassy with tears, as he tried not to choke up.

“And then every time you were near, or even when I’d get a whiff of your perfume, I’d start feeling all warm inside and my entire body would be at ease, knowing you were an arm's reach from me. You were the last one I saw as I disintegrated from the blip, and you were the first one I sought out the moment we came back.” he was surprised when you reached forward to wipe away a tear he didn’t even realize had run down his cheek.

“I lied when I said I made a mistake kissing you. It was the first thing I wanted to do the moment I saw you again. But something inside me was always telling me that all I could ever be is someone grateful for your kindness. That it was impossible for the universe to even grant me someone like you after everything I’ve done." He let out a breath before continuing.

"But it was also you, Steve, Sam, and heck – even Zemo– that made me realize that I am worthy of a chance. And I’m sorry it had to take you telling me you were moving on, to have the courage to accept and take the chance that has been long offered to me by the world." He took your hand and gave the back of it a small kiss.

"I love you, Y/N.” Now it was him that had to wipe away your tears away. “Please don’t cry, doll. That wasn’t-”

“Just fucking kiss me already, James.” you laughed, in between sniffles.

He grinned down before you. “You’re my angel with a potty mouth, and I love you.” he whispered, leaning down.

“I love you too."

---------

You and Bucky were out with the Wilsons on their community's afternoon barbeque.

Sarah and you got along with ease, and she was telling you all about their old family business when Bucky hugged you from behind.

"Sorry to interrup, ladies, but I have to show you something Y/N." he said, kissing your cheek.

"Ew, man. I still can't believe your old ass has a girlfriend." Sam commented beside Sarah who was laughing

"You do know I'm older than him, right?" you chuckled.

"I know, but you don't look it." he replied, causing Bucky to flip him off.

Excusing yourself, both of you walked by the docs.

"What's up, old man?" you grinned at him.

"You know what, doll. Most couples would have endearing nicknames for each other."

"I'll call you something sweet once you tell me what that thing you call me when we're alone means."

"What, мое солнце?"

"Yeah, that one! Tell me or else I'll keep calling you ridiculous ones." you threatened, trying not to smile.

"Anyway, мое солнце, I just wanted to show you a text I got from Shuri."

I am yet to have any news that you

manned up and told Y/N you love her,

White Wolf. I was joking before, but now

I really might set her up on a date.

You both chuckled at Shuri's threat.

"I got this." you pulled your phone out of your pocket and dialled her number. You placed it on loud speaker once she picked up.

"Y/N! So nice of you to call."

"Hey, Shuri! Listen..." you feigned seriousness in your voice before releasing a deep breath. "I'm finally over Mr. Smokey eye. I think I'm ready to go on that date now." Bucky was playfully glaring at you for the nickname.

There was dead silence from the other side of the line for a second. "Oh! About that... uh turns out he already has a girlfriend. Planning to propose soon, I heard. Oops!"

"Well that's a bummer. How about the other bachelor royalties your family's friends with? I recently found an article with a list. I can send you one right now. Preferably ones that don't look much like blue-eyed grandpa." you grinned at him as he rolled his eyes. He knows what you were trying to get him to do.

"Uh... turns out my brother isn't that friendly after all." She let out an awkward laugh. "Hasn't Barnes contact you at all?" you could hear the frustration in her voice.

"Oh, that discount prophet, I haven-"

"It means my sun." He finally caved, rolling his eyes.

"What?" you asked him, immidiately forgetting that Shuri was still on.

"WHAT?" she screamed through the phone after a second.

"мое солнце means my sun." he grinned at you.

"Is that Barnes with you?! Hellooo?!!!"

"Talk to you later, princess." you turned off the call when she was about to protest. Facing him again, you stepped closer and put your arms around his shoulders, both of you sharing a grin.

"I love you, мое солнце."

"I love you too, minn stjarna."

"You gonna tell me what that means?"

"You wish."

fin.

--------

@eternalharry @iheartsebandchris @lizzarooni @the-ayo-lit @tanyaherondale @knowyourworth-sellyoursoul @eliwinchester-barnes @ebxny27 @just-a-littlebit-of-everything @fadingdreamersportsmaker @drama-queen-aa

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kanmom51 · 3 years

Text

JM JK timeline.- my observations how they grew over the years - 2017

Disclaimer: these are my own opinions and conclusions. Feel free to disagree, but hate or aggression will be unacceptable.

This is a long one, so I will to post this in several parts (at least 4).

2017 - Part 1

2017 is an enormous year for the couple. This is such a significant year for the both of them.

This is a year that both JK and JM become way bolder.

Saying that, out of the two, it’s JK that I feel gets much more comfortable within his own skin, and feels ready to be louder. Not only is JK making progress in coming to terms with himself, but he is ready to tell the world about it. He is young, he is impulsive, meaning he most definitely needs reigning in by the members on several occasions.

I think that is why, sometimes, it feels to us like he is more reserved with JM when it comes to the ‘skinship’ or closeness, because when he isn’t, he tends to go ‘too far’. It’s sometimes easier to keep away, not touch, not react, than to touch or react and lose control in the process. The ‘big’ or ‘loud’ moments we do get from him are mostly (GCFT not one of them) when he is acting impulsively, doing first and only then thinking it over.

Another thing we see this year is the two getting comfortable within the relationship. By the end of the year we get to see how much more comfortable they are within themselves. You can’t say yet that there is a calm between them, but they are getting there.

At this point all the members of the group are aware of the relationship, and I believe that in 2017 the important surrounding staff are made aware too. Were they outright told, or did they just ‘get it’ as the time past? Maybe both, in a way, all to be able to protect both members, and not to let things get out of control (protecting the band and the brand). I think that the staff knowing allowed them both more freedom to be themselves, at least when off camera, without needing to hide all of the time.

This is the year of both JM’s and JK’s love odes to each other.

This year brought us bv2, GCFT, Serendipity, JK’s graduation and so much more.

We still see the micro touches and brushes, but there is also a boldness, especially on JK’s part. As JK is finding his place within the relationship, asserting himself, he is also maturing, so he learns how to assert himself but also learns how to be more attentive to JM’s needs, especially his emotional needs.

JM was, and still continues to be JK’s anchor. He is his biggest supporter, pushing him to challenge his boundaries, pushing him to the front, helping him when he is down, being there for him when he is hurt.

But JK is also there for JM. It is sometimes less noticeable, but he is the one that knows how to make him laugh, even when JM is down. He supports him when he needs it. He looks after him, makes sure he eats, protects him physically, when he thinks it’s needed.

They are like magnets – constantly seeking each other’s closeness.

I know that there are many Jikook’s that believe that JK and JM’s romantic relationship started only after their end of 2017 trip to Tokyo. I emphatically disagree. 2017 brings much development and change in their relationship, but that’s like every longer term romantic relationship. There are shifts in the relationship. The more the couple get to know each other, their wants and needs, they adjust themselves to that (as much as they want the relationship to continue). That is the push and pull we see with the boys over the first 2 years . Figuring out how they feel, what they want from each other, what they need from each other, and just how much they are willing to give the other or maybe give up of themselves.

That’s a healthy relationship – when you manage to find that point of balance. And that’s what the boys were doing throughout 2016 and 2017. That doesn’t mean that even after you find that point of balance there won’t be conflicts. It does, though, enable you to come back to that balance faster, to be able to solve the conflict, because you understand each other better, and learn how to and when to give in (Summer package 2017 - the dream catcher saga).

This brings me to the JK jealous narrative out there. I don’t love it. It makes JK out to be this possessive jealous boyfriend. It’s oversimplifying and a bit juvenile. Sorry, but that’s how I feel. I’m not saying that JK ,or for that matter JM, didn’t ever get jealous. They are human beings, like me and you. Jealousy happens. But there is a difference between getting jealous once in a while and creating this whole narrative of possessiveness jealousy, where someone is so jealous they can’t see anyone, including their closest of friends, come anywhere near your boyfriend.

Also, there could be other kinds of ‘jealousy’. Not only seeing your significant other leaving you for someone else. That is only one aspect of it, feeling threatened that someone you love will be tempted to leave you for another. But there are other aspects to jealousy too. You can be jealous of others, not a jealousy within your relationship, not a fear your significant other doesn’t love you or will leave you, but the jealousy of those others that can show affection to one another, but you can’t because of the nature of your relationship, that may have to be hidden.

There could also be frustration, not jealousy. Frustration you need to keep hiding your relationship, when all you want to do is shout out loud to the world that JM/JK is yours.

The fact that JK and JM’s relationship was something to be hidden, the fear of discovery (have you seen that clip when they are caught in the car ‘taking a photo for Twitter’? The panic on JK’s face? Seeing his face for me was heartbreaking) forced them to mellow down on their interactions, not to be obvious with the touchy feely between them.

That, in my opinion, is another reason for JK’s minimalizing his skinship with JM. Not knowing when it’s ok to touch, or just how much, or maybe the fear of going too far.

JM had less of a problem with that. Most of the time he was more calculated, knew exactly what he was doing, and how far he was pushing it (although, he too loses himself sometimes – Wings tour Japan documentary interviews, just for example).

JK couldn’t do that, so sometimes the safer thing was to disconnect all together. That’s when the cameras were on, and not behind the scenes. But not being able to show their love, having to hide, that took a toll on both of them. Seeing the person that they are building a relationship being able to be touchy with others but not with them, that hurt. And that, in my opinion, is what we see and that is interpreted as jealousy some of the time with JK and with JM alike.

2017 gave us plenty of content. And just like with 2016 timeline, I just can’t address all of the content out there. I chose to refer to the content that seems most relevant to me. No Twitter, mostly not photo shoots, even if they are the cutest. Even if some of the moments there are spontaneous, most are directed. The unicorn photo shoot, for example. So beautiful, may have some spontaneous moments, but still mostly produced and directed. Was it their own decision to pose with the unicorn? At this point in their careers, I doubt it. It’s definitely a cute Jikook moment though. They are beautiful, cute, have chemistry to die for, but it’s not more than that – not a JK and JM relationship moment, if you get what I’m driving at.

So, in JK’s words, let’s get it:

14 Jan 2017 Golden Disk awards – JK making his bae laugh, by imitating his own dance (Rainism) - exaggerating his own moves. Yes Tae joins in, but JK is the one to initiate, and JM’s attention is solely on him. He only has eyes for JK, but wasn’t that clear by now?

16 Jan 2017 ISAC 17 – I love these ones. Just like with award shows, they have so much time to burn, that they sometimes seem to forget the cameras are there, so we get to see these little cute interactions between them, like JK finding his way to JM, wherever and whoever he may be with, little flirtatious behaviour, including JK finger hearting JM and JM doing it back to JK giggling. JM ‘flashing’ for JK . JK holding JM’s hand, while it’s around JK’s waist, when photo taken.

19 Jan 2017 – Seoul Music Awards. OMG, this is a big one for me. They both look absolutely gorgeous btw. This was one of the first clips I saw. The way JK looks at JM, so beautiful. But what topped the cake for me was what JK did. JK notice JM back hugging Hobi, so he goes to Hobi, moves him aside, only then to go stand behind JM and back hug him, while gently placing his head on JM’s shoulder and closing his eyes.

First of all, why move Hobi? He wasn’t in the way, and it makes no sense to move him from below JM only to go behind JM and hug him from behind. Second, JK was fully aware that they were being photographed. You can see the members around him posing for the cameras. This is where bold JK comes in. He needs JM. JM is his safe place, his home, so who cares who can see or what they see? He wants. No. Needs to hug him and feel him, so he will.

When I saw JK close his eyes, I wanted to cry. I’m not exaggerating. It was so beautiful, so pure. When I saw this, I knew. I knew this was ‘something else’, something special.

26 Jan 2017 – Global Vlive top 10 BTS – JK asserting his place by JM’s side. Making sure JM doesn’t fall off the stool, but also pushing Jin back away from JM – that’s JK’s place not Jin’s. We also get to see, again, the hesitation when touching JM, placing his hand at his lower back, only to pull back hesitantly. We get the mutual glances, and them being in their own world. At some point RM having to whack them out of it.

7 Feb 2017 – JK’s graduation day. Big big day. Starting with JK making sure it’s JM standing by his side for the group photo. In the car , on the way to their celebratory dinner, JK singing a suggestive song while looking at JM – serenading him in a way. Then JM asks JK what he wants for a graduation present, V telling JK that JM will buy him whatever he wants, and JK asking for an apartment (something that withing cultural context is a big thing). The whole time there’s a flirty vibe between the two, V being the 3rd wheeler in the conversation.

At the restaurant the boys recreate their photo from JK’s 1st day at high school too (of course it’s the two of them centrefold).

Then, to top the cake, there’s JM’s tweet. The camera is on JM, and we hear what sounds like a kiss in the background bringing a big smile to JM’s face, and then what sounds like “My Mo, my mochi…”. Then JM says congratulations and turns the camera sideways, only to see JK sitting there, and to JK’s smile and clapping. V is in the back seat playing with his phone.

Did JK send JM a kiss? Did he call him his Mochi? . Idk.

It wouldn’t be the first or last time JK referred to JM as a Mochi.

What I am sure of is that it had nothing to do with V. He was sitting in the back playing with his phone, totally ignoring or unaware of what was going on there.

To be continued...

#jungkook #jimin #jk #jm #jikook #kookmin #jikook are real #jikook timeline #bts #jikook relationship #jikook in love

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1ddotdhq · 3 years

Text

Sun 31 Jan ‘21

Happy Walls Dayyy!!!!!! Today was the first anniversary of our #1 fave debut album of 2020, and we all celebrated, Louis included! Last but best thing first: WE GOT A DEMO!! Louis ended the day by publishing a dreamy clip of a demo of the title song ‘Walls’. His clear voice croons over beautiful sliding electric guitars and background reverberance- if that’s his FIRST draft then he is, as we knew, a GENIUS! AND, the King Himself came on twitter to interact with his “loyal” (his words) subjects (that’s us!). He popped up at first to say that his tour, when it comes around, will be “fucking unbelievable...this is our day!”, and talked about his favorite part of the last year (“the two shows I played”), what he noticed most when performing solo the first times (“the space on stage” ughhhh all the tears), what he was looking forward to after COVID (“everything”) and getting through these times- “remember that everything is going to be better when normality sets back in.” He also explained that while he was gonna put out merch today, he “didn’t want to market the day”, but rather make it “a celebration just for us”. But, uh, the merch will be coming eventually! He then replied that there were “too many greedy fuckers out there” who try turn celebratory events into a “cash grab” (to quote the fan), and harries then got mad at that because THEY were like this must be about Harry (lol uhhhh) and assumed he was shading him and Jeff rather than, I don’t know, his OWN FORMER LABEL?? Cool cool cool, but it’s still Harry’s moth on Spotify, so cope. He told us that his proudest moment on the album was recording the strings for the Walls the Single, that he wouldn’t have approached the process differently because he’s still really proud of the album, that he was most looking forward to us hearing KMM or Walls, that Doncaster is his fav place (to no one’s surprise lmao), and, asked what song he likes to rock out to off HIS ALBUM was like oh hey have I got a rec for you: “Maybe Tomorrow” by the Stereophonics. It goes, “think I'll walk me outside and buy a rainbow smile, but be free” and “maybe tomorrow I’ll find my way home” (huh is there something happening tomorrow that could be linked to... OH. Right. Huh. Well all that is just a coincidence I’m sure, it’s not like Louis ever said he likes to rec songs because he wants us to read into the lyrics or anything... oh wait.)

LTHQ did a insta quiz over on their stories (I only got two questions wrong!) and they did the promised virtual listening party and tweeted along to each song and retweeted fans’ reactions (and all the usernames, larries everywhere, we SEE YOU). Friends of Louis joined in the celebration- Only The Poets, Ashton Irwin of 5SoS fame, Helene Hornyck (“all the love,” she said!), Isaac Anderson and more, and All On The Board made one of their lovely Frankenstein poems which mashing up a bunch of LT1 songs, but in keeping with the theme of the day (and COVID I GUESS) did it as fanart rather than the usual in person board. And all of that was the BORING part of the day, can you BELIEVE?? The FUN part was the Walls Fanart that was chosen to be the new Spotify cards on the official Walls album. As in, they are up right now if you want to go check them out, but I’m gonna tell you straight up: they’re half Harry tats! The Defenseless card, especially, as it is just straight up fanart of Harry’s moth tattoo, especially fun when he had JUST got us talking about its Papillion origin with his finsta! The artist had been worried that Louis would be mad at them for submitting ‘Larry art’, and was overjoyed to learn that, uh... apparently, he was NOT. That was not all! The ‘Too Young’ art card is H’s rose tattoo, ‘Habit’ and ‘Fearless’ were both different variations of H’s anatomical heart tat (the ‘Habit’ one even included the word kind :{) ), and the We Made It rainbow wheel did, in fact, make it to Spotify, just like we thought! “Perfect Now” was Louis standing under a rainbow spotlight—they made that one black and white for spotify but the artist shared the original version. Harries were beside themselves, and tagged Jeff (Azoff), Ben Winston, and Gemma Styles (what?), demanding that they make Louis take the art down because it was clearly Harry art, which 1.) how much more blatant can you be if even ANTIS are noticing and 2.) what sort of control do they think Jeff, Ben, and Gemma have over Louis seeing as, uh, none of them currently work for him??? Weird, are they thinking there might be some kind of link... between Harry and his team and Louis... tell me more antis, truly, I’m fascinated!

One would think that’s more than enough for one day but WAIT THERE’S MORE Zayn is in EXCELLENT quirky Zayn form having fun with his own merch—he posted a gremlin (from the old RL Stine movie ‘Gremlins’) in a NIL beanie captioned “one size fits all humanoid shaped heads” late last night, haaaaa. Yes, I agree! The red stitching really makes the gremlin’s red eyes pop, and his fangs have never looked this good! And the question arose, is Harry’s finsta actually just his side account for following nothing but gay meme accounts? Evidence—the discovery of a second follow, of the openlygayanimals account-- would suggest yes! Well that’s valid, imagine having to not only navigate the internet AS HARRY but also without funny memes of your choice, that’s no life to lead. And Niall complained on twitter that people didn’t understand his sense of humor because SARCASM! He also tweeted about golf, which I’m sure was cool for people who understand it.

#louis tomlinson #zayn #harry styles #niall horan #lmao @ all the people who were like LOUIS JUST SHADED HSHQ #like uh NO HE DIDNT YOU DID #lajdflkdajfsd #also COULD LOUIS BE MORE ON LA TIME??? NO HE COULDNT #i love this today was fun and much needed!#to celebrate im gonna rewatch the liveshow tonight!#anyways!#song of the day!#maybe tomorrow by the stereophonics! bc LOUIS

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saanjhish · 3 years

Text

Kaz With Wesper's Son pt. 2

It had been an year since the first and only time Kaz had babysat Trassel, and now that Jesper was visiting Colm in Novyi Zem for a bit and Wylan had a job for the day, and Kaz was, again, asked to take care of Trass.

"I am not taking care of that thing again," Kaz rolled his eyes. Truth be told, he'd truly missed Trass, but there was no way he'd ever admit that. The chances of that happening were as much as that of Jan being an intelligent being; zero.

Kaz hoped Jesper and Wylan would pester him about it so that he could agree to it without making it look like he wanted to babysit Trass, and that was exactly what they did.

This time Kaz decided on spending time with Trass rather than doing all the paperwork. He could do that at night.

"All the saints and their mothers!" Kaz looked at Trass, horrified by the new knowledge he acquired; babies were loud and their cries could almost make your ears bleed.

"For a little being," Kaz began, sighing in relief after calming Trass down. "You sure can make a lot of noise, little crow."

As Kaz tried to teach Trass some tricks before settling to entertain him with a simple magic show because apparently babies were as intelligent as he'd hoped, Trass fell asleep.

Kaz picked him up and lay him on his bed before covering him with a blanket.

He kissed his fingers before pressing them on the top of Trass' newly shaved head. Inej had suggested on getting it done to rid him of any negativity from his past life and to promote mental and spiritual development; it was a ceremony from her religion.

Kaz went back to the paperwork he had. Not long after, Trass' loud cry filled the room.

"Again?" Kaz looked at Trass, now annoyed. "AGAIN?"

He picked Trass up and checked his diaper. Thankfully, it was not poop that got him crying.

Which meant he was hungry.

Which automatically meant Kaz would eventually have to change his diaper again.

With a now calmer Trass sitting on his left arm, chewing on his right gloved index finger, Kaz casually walked down the stairs of the slat.

Everybody's face turned to him and amused expressions took place on their features, but nobody dared to utter one word about it.

He asked Anika to bring him some baby food. "It better be good quality," he added. Anika nodded and went out to get him what he wanted.

When she came back, Kaz simply gave her an appreciative nod and went back up to his room before he started feeding Trass the food.

Or tried to, at least.

He was covered with green and orange goo.

"Eat." Another nudge to the green-goo-filled spoon, which ended up decorating Kaz's face.

"I understand that you don't want eat this," Kaz paused, wiping off some of the food off his face while cringing in disgust. "Whatever this is ... But you're going to have to, little crow."

After some more convincing, Trass finally ate the disgusting goo. Kaz was glad he wouldn't have to be attacked by it anymore.

And there it was some time later; the nose-killing smell of feces.

Just like last time, Kaz exchanged his gloves for plastic ones. He clipped his nose shut and went ahead with changing Trass' diaper.

"You ate half a small cup of that goo, how can you have this much waste?" He asked Trass as if he'd get a reply, throwing away the dirty diaper as he did.

"Kaz-zle Daz-zle!" Trass exclaimed at Kaz and he abruptly turned around, his brows scrunched together at what he just heard.

There it was again. "Kaz-zle Daz-zle," Trass mumbled as he stretched his arms out to Kaz, a smile on his face.

Kaz blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice. He knew Trass spoke, but he didn't know he spoke this as well.

An hour later, Jesper came to Kaz's door. How did he know? The door wasn't knocked at but was slammed a hand at. Only Jesper did that.

Kaz pinched his nose at Jesper's loud arrival, picked Trassel up slowly, cautious not to wake him up and opened the door to his room to find a swaying-his-head-from-left-to-right Jesper with lips pursed.

Kaz had learnt not to question these moments. There had been too many of them.

"Da!" Trass recognised Jesper and leaned forwards toward him, his hands stretched out.

"Hey bud," Jesper greeted Trass with a grin as he took him from Kaz.

"Jes?"

"Hmm?"

"Mind telling me why Trass called me "Kazzle Dazzle today?" Kaz raised an eyebrow.

"Uh ..." With just that word, stretched longer than Kaz expected, Jesper walked away with Trass in his hands and Kaz shook his head, a small smile taking place of his face.

#six of crows #leigh bardugo #soc #crooked kingdom #jesper fahey #kaz brekker #trassel #trasse #kaz x jesper #kazzle dazzle

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chappedandfadedvds · 3 years

Text

Jan 14th, Thursday 21:39

If only someone had stood witness to the destructive nature, that arose from a simple conversation on the sofa half an hour ago, they could have stopped this.

The show on the tv they had watched was forgotten by now, as the two stood strictly three steps apart in the middle of the livingroom. The heavy tension high when they faced each other through hard eyes. Neither of the two boys had backed out yet. Whatever may be said next tonight would only bring the truth that they had ignored for far too long.

And perhaps if they looked back on it, this moment had been nessecary, even though it only brought pain, when Jens overstepped the unspoken and careful line they had draw at one point between their first encounter and this night.

And maybe he would have stopped himself from voicing this sentence out loud, constructed of wrong words and false intent. If only he had cared enough to notice the violent storm brewing on the horizon.

„You do not understand this. You can’t. I’m not doing this to you.“

Too late. The tempest arrived. And they prepared to sink.

„Shut. The fuck. Up.“

Jens did, stunned into silence by the shock at the harsh eyes staring him down. Unfamiliar on a face he could draw blind. The younger boy loomed over him, radiating danger.Unnatural for the younger boy, who always seemed to keep a cool head and mellow attitude.

Lucas took a deep breath. The orange light of the lamp by the piano reflected in his eyes.

„Shut up, you selfish asshole. God! I’m so sick and tired of this. You never ever fucking listen to me. Never trust me to know what I want.“

„That’s not true.“ Jens tried, his voice deflated at the lie he kept telling to both of them.

„No? Because I am pretty sure that that’s exactly the case.

You never listen. You never let me explain myself. You never talk to me. And I am not speaking about you yelling at me on random nights that you decide to burst.

I know what you are doing and it is self-destructive.“

It felt like a knife had been raised to his throat. Jens lost the ability to think.

„Just this once you are going to stay quiet and let me tell you what I think.“

Jens nodded wary. There was fear there in his heart. He didn’t wanted to listen to Lucas. He didn’t wanted to hear him out. But he had to, That’s what Jens burned on a loop into his mind to keep the desire to scream back locked inside.

„I tell you over and over and over again, that I don’t mind, that I want to be here, that I want to be with you. That you can tell me anything. Every single time.

And you don’t believe me, don’t trust my words, and it fucking hurts to stand on the sidelines. What do you want me to do, Jens? What?

I really want to scream at you rigth now, if it wouldn’t be for Lotte asleep upstairs.“

The hurt was marked deep in the younger boys expression, as he straightened his back. Jens felt small compared to the force that was brought against him.

The voice only raised loud enough to strike Jens down. Lucas was attentive enough to not wake the only other member in the house as he took a step closer, his hand combing the hair out of his face.

„Jens! This is not going to work. I know what you are doing and it is not going to work!

Botteling up emotions and thoughts in silence hasn’t worked for my mother a year ago and it will not work for you now. Sorry that I have to break it to you. But fuck you! Fuck you for deciding on my behalf. For keeping me out of it. Do you think I don’t know how much this sucks?

Should we have met in the highst of summer, smoking, sipping beer at a lake. Kissing underwater and driving our bike through the heat of the sun. Yes we should have. We should have our parents at home, happy, a bit stressed out by work, but still completely there for us. We should laugh and party and worry about passing history class this year. Waste all our thoughts on what to do for our brithdays and which university to attend. Tough luck. We don’t.

We have this stupid pandemic and asshole governments and on top of it all our family’s problems.

My father is a fucking homophobic piece of shit, yours wasn’t even really around to begin with.

My mother is so ill, her brain needs medication to function properly. She just left me to figure it all out by myself a couple years ago. I washed my clothes and learned to cook at least some damn pasta. My father burning himself out at work, everything to not have to be home until he took off. She was fucking suicidal at times, breaking down without apparent reason. It’s fucking scary to see traces of it in your behaviour. And I can’t believe that I am the fucking lucky one here between us.

Because, I had Kes to help me through it, when I called him up one day. He listened and never left afterwards. And my mom is getting better. She’ll be fine. I get to have her and my life back soon.

And yes you have it worse. I know. I am so, so, so sorry. Your mom is dying, leaving you with your sister. If us breaking up would fix this, I’d be out already two month ago. But it wouldn’t.

I fucking love you, Jens, and you are so goddamn stubborn. I wish I could hate you sometimes. I really do.

I was the one who moved to a different city midterm, I didn’t know a single person here, my mom is home maybe two days a week, and would you have told me the moment we met, what was happening in your family, it wouldn’t have changed a thing for me, okay?

Can you at least trust me on that?

You are not to blame for my mom’s absence. But I am not to blame for yours either.

Tell me Jens. When have you ever asked me how I am feeling? I can’t think of a time. But I would have answered you right away. Instead, I kept quiet to not burden you more than you already are. However when I ask you, all I get is silence.

I don’t deserve this.

This is not okay. We should be talking to each other.

So, I am going to go home, I would have anyway tomorrow with my mom being there the night. And I’ll call Robbe on my way, tell him to come here and bear you company. I know I won’t be able stay away otherwise. And you better open the fucking door for him, because if you don’t, I swear to god, I’m going to break into this stupid house of yours and do it myself.

I care too much for you, I think.“

Lucas shoulder’s sank in a tremble. And Jens noticed he had hold his breath. His lungs burning for air.

„You are not going through this alone. Everybody wants to help you. You just don’t let them.

Think about what you want, what makes you happy. If you decide that a relationship is too much for you at the moment, I promise I’ll understand. But make up your mind. I don’t want to fight you, Jens.

I love you. And.

I don’t know what else to tell you.

I’m sorry. We just got unlucky. Figure your shit out. I’m tired of this. And call me when you can tell me what you want.“

The room dropped into nothingness as the voice ebbed away.

Lucas deserved to give his anger away. Lucas always had kept quiet at his side.

So Jens forced himself to silently watch his boyfriend walk out of the room to grab his jacket and put on his shoes. Jens had followed with his eyes until the younger boy had stepped around the corner, and had found his feet to carry him into the doorway a moment later.

Lucas had waited for him to come and see him leave. How cruel, Jens thought.

They didn’t said another word. Everything that needed to be out there was stated and ready to be dissected over sleepless nights.

The younger boy exhaled, sorrow in his gaze, that was answered by Jens with his own.

And then the bond snapped and a cold wind hit him, as his eyes kept staring at the back that vanished into the night. Perhaps he should run after him. That’s what people in movies did, right?

Proclaim their love and shower the other in apologies and heartfelt compliments. A kiss. Happy End.

Jens couldn’t fathom the depth of the despair in his tears as the waters swallowed him whole under crahing waves. At worst this was the end. He prayed it had been needed to make them right one day. For now all he could give Lucas was to follow his wish and contemplate his words.

At least for tonight.

He closed the door and decided to stay.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

notes:

How we doin, guys, girls and pals after this?

Cos Love by Tom Rosenthal is a song I listened to a lot thinking about this clip.

But what I actually wanted to say was, that I hope that you understand where Lucas is coming from here. My whole story is seen from Jens’s eyes and I’m not going to rewrite certain parts from other perspectives. I’m not going to say that he is completely right and that he hasn’t said some awful things in this one, but try to see Lucas here. If it would have been his clip, I would have inculed this paragraph:

__ „No? Because I am pretty sure that that’s exactly the case.

You never listen. You never let me explain myself. You never talk to me. And I am not speaking about you yelling at me on random nights that you decide to burst.

I know what you are doing and it is self-destructive.”

He gave and gave and gave, until all that he was met with was an empty heart. So he would take it back, reclaim his soul and mind before it would go to waste in uncaring hands.

„Just this once you are going to stay quiet and let me tell you what I think.“ __

I hope it did it justice. It needed to happen, I’m sorry.

#week 12 #wtfock #skam #vds #jens stoffels #lucas van der heijden #chapped and faded #love is hard sometimes #no matter if platonic #romantic or otherwise

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taeggukstime · 3 years

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I am a taekookers but I can't blind to see that their profession is not a joke.

Sara, please cmiiw

Agt/sept 2019 tattoo girl scandal

JK apologized during the BV shoot.

Dec 2019 nape kiss

Jan 2020 grammy carpet and gda backhug

April 2020 jikook started sharing car

Don't you think JK really worked hard for his ship? He knew the consequenses of his scandal. He can't lose his fans even he was so afraid.

We should consider his job as an idol. Thinking how much fans he might lose. Rather than to explain who's the girl to him, he choosed to work harder for his ship.

I know it's sound rude, but he can't sacrifise his idol life. That's his dream and he love it so much....

And also from the company side, they're lesser favoured him. They let dispatch posted news about itaewon.

Sometimes I just want to stop analyse them. To me, TK is heavy material and never enough to dig. I was like what if this whole scenario was made up by company just for a reality show like Kardashian family??? I'm so skeptical and blank no idea in my mind

What kept me going all this time is expert analysis of TK' s body language. I believe because it's science. All BL expert said there's something more than friends between them. Not to mention they are dating or not because nobody knows.

Sara, do you believe what expert said about them????

Yes, I do believe the experts in terms of them being attracted to each other & having been intimate. I first noticed they liked each other romantically due to their body language back when they were young teens and had only ever been friends. It's relatively easy to know if people like each other, but it gets more complicated if you want to know the exact state of their relationship. For that you have to pay special attention to events, testimonies, off-handed comments, etc, and maybe we're lucky to figure it out. Whatever point they're at the moment, I'm positive they truly love each other because they've given way too many hints about it as well as about their identity and future hopes (I'm making a video to somehow adjust & expand the theory I initially presented but I started with a specific structure in mind & now I've broken it so I'm not sure how long it'll take + I'm not sure if I want to tackle recent times yet. It'll include a lot of reused clips though and it's probs boring).

Are you wondering if him & the tattoo girl were more than friends? Well, I doubt it. Nowadays I don't think TK were "formally" dating at that time, but I don't really see Jk seeking other people while having this other situation with Tae & being in love with him. The hug could've been completely innocent & platonic, but since they're from the opposite gender people make a big deal about it. Another idea that floats around in my mind is: what if the scandal was planned to reduce gay rumors? It sounds silly & I'm not claiming it, but my mind just wonders in a lot of different directions in order to see if it would make sense - even if I end up discarding it. The scandal wasn't THAT big of a deal (just a hug), and it didn't have long-term consequences, but it left a looooooot of people with the idea of him possibly dating that girl in the back of their minds. Some idols have even been confirmed to be dating & their career continued without much of a problem (Kai & Jennie, etc). On the other hand, if he really was dating her I don't think his ships would do anything to help his case. Most army don't believe in same-gendered ships in the slightest and they only enjoy their interactions as a cute bromance or simply fetishize them. The kpop industry knows this so that's why they keep using & encouraging fanservice among members as a marketing strategy without it being considered a real threat that could put their image at stake. Every group does it as it's a standard practice and seen as completely normal. I've seen idols full on kiss on the lips on stage & in skits just for the sake of FS and people just giggle. There's even that popular paper game where the whole fun of it is see if it falls & members accidentally kiss, etc. Believe me when I say that's only the hardcore type of FS but it's actually low-key implemented anywhere a camera is rolling. Taekook & Jikook, etc, have always engaged in it.. it's not like they suddenly started after the scandal with that girl. If a kpop company makes any type of effort to hide the bond of two members, then you can bet there's something real going on between them that is a matter of concern. Think about the time staff "discretely" asked Tae to leave Jk's live in May of 2019. Bighit doesn't mind interactions that can be seen as fanservice, but they can't trust them during a live without any type of control because they can accidentally expose themselves by off-handed comments that hint towards a non-platonic real-life dynamic and - as said - there's truth behind it.

Now that you mention it, I agree the gda backhug was planned fanservice (unplanned FS also exists), but I've always seen the nape kiss at the airport as Jk stumbling. I mean, judging by his body movements, the situation and him having a mask, bumping with Tae's hair rather than nape, etc. Anyways, FS doesn't automatically mean the pair can't have real feelings, even if they indeed participate in what could be considered a theatre. Notice how I didn't include heavy affection as proof in video "taekook proof" video, though even when they do FS I do think their body language can give their feelings away & I've clearly noticed on occasions.

When it comes to BH letting dispatch slander them...it also happened to Yoongi with his mixtape. That's not the company's fault. Maybe they tried breaking off their relationship with dispatch but quickly went back to making business with them after those articles came out.

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krcolou · 3 years

Text

𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 // thread.

WHO: Cole & Ridley [ @lazersong ]

WHEN: Jan. 14

WHAT: Ridley confronts Cole for attacking Rune and threatening Love.

WARNING: Some violence

Cole was curious as to where the Rwaddi man went after their interaction, wondering if he was ever going to come back to the ship as promised. They were all weak, in his mind, so he expected the man to never return and let his ship take the fall in the end. He sat outside of the ship, smoking a cigarette. It tasted terrible, just like the last four that he had smoked and discarded by the ship’s entrance.

Ridley didn’t have much experience with bolugs. In fact, he had zero experience with them, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try his luck with one. He kept two blasters on him — one for show and the other as a surprise in case things got too messy. Immediately once rounding the corner he spotted another man, sitting outside a ship that matched Rune’s description. He approached him nonchalantly, not wanting to cause alarm quite yet. “This your ship?” he asked.

Cole tossed the cigarette when he saw the droid approach, eyeing him cautiously. It didn’t matter who it was, he didn’t trust anyone that wasn’t Junko or his own kind by him. “Yes. No rides,” he answered.

Ridley nodded in understanding, tucking his hands in his pockets. "It's a nice rig. How long you've had it for?

“Doesn’t matter,” he said, starting to glare at him. “Keep going.”

"Can't really do that," Ridley said, adjusting his hands so they were resting on his waist. "Because I know this isn't your ship."

“Oh? Know Rwaddi?” Cole asked, perking up. “Good. Where is he?”

"Nice try, wastoid," he scoffed. "I'm here to tell you to fuck off."

Cole stood up slowly, stepping towards the droid. “So you say that. Thank you. Is all?”

"No, that's not all." Ridley reached forward and grasped tightly onto the bolug's shoulder. "I don't know what you or the rest of your species' problem is, but if you try and threaten that man or his daughter again, I'll kill you and your little friend."

Cole didn’t budge much when the droid grabbed his shoulder, just looking down at him with a glare. “You cannot. Not very scary. I can threaten him or ghel. You cannot say.”

"I can. In fact, my sole purpose is to kill, and I like to think I'm pretty good at it. So I don't need to be scary, I just need to be efficient."

“Me too, little man,” Cole said, his glare turning into a smirk. “I kill. Many people. Planet.”

"Yeah, sure, with those big fuck-off ships of yours. But how good are you on your own?"

Cole shrugged. “You don’t wish to know,” he said. “It is smart to go away. No plans on hurting ghel unless father is bad. No plans on hurting father unless father is bad.”

"Neither of them are going to be 'bad', so you might as well quit while you're ahead. He'll give the stupid ride to your friend and we can all sing kumbaya and go our merry ways after. Just get the fuck away from his ship and try not to be a piece of shit like the rest of your species."

“No, you do not get to say what I do,” he replied. “I do what I want and you do not get to stop me. So please, go away from ship.”

Ridley sucked in a deep breath and shoved the other backward, "You really don't wanna go down like this, man." he said.

Cole stumbled back a step, tilting his head. “Why this? Because I stand too close to ship?”

"Because you're being an asshole to people I care about. That's why." Ridley said, approaching him again.

“Are you droid?” Cole asked, standing his ground. “You do not care true. Just... machine. Trying to... compute.”

"Droid or not, doesn't matter what I am when you have a laser beam through your head. Fuck. Off." he hissed.

Cole grabbed the other man by his neck, shoving him as forcefully as he could. “Not fuck off.”

Ridley bit his tongue whenever his neck was seized, artificial blood leaking into his mouth as he reached up and clutched onto the bolug's hand. "I-I will seriously fuck you up if you don't let go."

"Can you? Can you fuck up if no gun?" Cole antagonized. "Just sad robot try to look tough."

"I-I don't need to look tough." Ridley spat and jerked his knee upward to where it would make harsh contact with the bolug's groin.

Cole let out a yelp when he was kneed, instantly shoving the droid down onto the ground. "Am not trying to fight weak! Just want ride for friend. Do you wish for rwaddi to die? For ghel to die? Leave me alone."

Ridley couldn't catch himself from the fall, tumbling to the ground and moving backwards, shifting onto his side so he could grasp his blaster. "Y-You'll get your fucking ride, just leave them alone."

Cole kicked the other's arm forcefully, anticipating for there to be some sort of gun or weapon. "I am making sure no lie. Is fair."

Ridley flinched whenever his arm was kicked away from his waist, his blaster flying from his grasp and skidding across the concrete. "It's not fair when you break his fucking arm and his face. In what universe is that fair?"

"The universe — it is fair to hurt. He did not let universe take all ghels. He kept ghel girl alive, should not have," Cole said, stomping on the droid's leg. "Universe too many people. Too much — too much strain. Universe die."

"What? Oh, stars, this is about your bullshit bolug agenda?" Ridley groaned loudly and bit his lip whenever his leg was trampled. "Shut the fuck up. You know that doesn't make any goddamn sense, right?"

"You do not understand," Cole insisted, stomping again. The force was stronger this time, hoping to shatter the metal underneath the fake flesh. "That is okay. Avalon dies soon. Does not matter."

Ridley could hear the metal snap beneath his skin and he winced at the noise. "W-What the fuck are you people planning?"

"No need to know. You will not stop," Cole said bluntly, starting to walk away from the droid to seat himself beside the ship again. "Everyone die. Rwaddi, ghel, droid."

He forced himself onto the one elbow that hadn't shattered, "A-All because you assholes think the Universe will die otherwise, huh? Which numbskull god of yours prophesized that one?"

The bolug grinned. “Too many people of Avalon. Big fix for universe,” he said. “Does not matter for you. You do not die. Not alive. Maybe rwaddi live. If on ship with friend. Ghel. She die.”

"Fucking great," he hissed and slowly moved one hand to clutch the other blaster he had, making sure that the bolug wouldn't be able to spot it this time. "And then what? The Universe will be zen or whatever the fuck? What makes you all so special?"

“Not special. We just do what needs done,” Cole said. “We have small group. Never use more than needed. Avalon? Bad. Use supplies, bring people in. Kill planet.”

"Well, excuse me for thinking that a group of fuckers who can't even speak Basic are out of line for wanting to purge the rest of us, then," Ridley scoffed, thinking this was all fucking ridiculous and unnecessary but of course it wouldn't make sense. All bolugs knew was to destroy and, well, they were doing a good job of it today.

“Why is Basic important? You are better to know Basic?” Cole scoffed, sending a frustrated punch into the hull of the ship. “You do not get words. You are weak.”

While the bolug was distracted, Ridley took this as an opportunity to unsheathe his blaster and fire it at his back. "Yeah, I'm the weak one." he called out, stumbling to his feet.

Cole let out a yell when he was shot, stumbling for a moment. Fuck. “You are weak with no gun!” He yelled, pushing through his pain to try to tackle the droid over.

"It's a blaster, wastoid. More civilized than a gun." he said although it wasn't entirely true. The technology was updated, but it was just as clumsy as a normal pistol. He dodged the attack just barely, his arm limp as he began leaving the area as quickly as he could.

Cole stopped in his tracks, the pain overwhelming him too much to comprehend. Shit. His rage managed to overtake his pain however, as the droid tried to leave. All it took was a tight grip and a tear — and he had ripped the droids arm clear out of his shoulder.

Ridley didn't groan in pain but he did watch in shock as his arm was ripped from its socket. "Motherfucker!" he cried and fired another blast, unsure if it hit the bolug as he was already on his way out.

Cole was hit in the side with the blast, it barely clipping his stomach as it passed. Stars. He wanted desperately to murder this droid, but he knew he couldn’t make it out alive if he tried again. Instead, he collapsed, feeling the ache of his body overtake him.

#𝐊𝐑'𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐔 : convos . ⧽ ━━ and god made me.#ft. ridley.

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gumptin · 4 years

Text

skam france s5e3 gave me trust issues....... review

- arthur’s just sitting there like Wots All This Then Aye?

- bro you either get glasses or hearing aids no in between there is no “both”

- but fr as a fellow blind bitch i understand the struggle of putting on glasses when there is Anything in the way

- wait wait wait.,.. don’t they have to do like,,, ear molds for hearing aids?? how he get them so quick?

- alexia isn’t goiNG TO FUCKING JUDGE YOU STOP BEING SO INSECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SHE LOVES YOU

- i have a feeling arthur is going to end up ditching the hearing aids as he gets to know noée and camille (i know his name now!)

- that ringing noise make my tinnitus go HEWWO

- that seems... overwhelming

- nice hat bro you look like the guy from riverdale

- he is NOT going to be able to fake it for long

- daphne gonna be the season 6 main i can Feel It. Daphne Warriors R I S E

- holy shit lucas is giving relationship advice and not receiving it we love growth

- oh god that seems like hell he can hear EVERYTHING around him

- basile and lucas stop screaming challenge

- yann :’(

- basile doesn’t understand the difference between platonic and romantic love

- oh no this is going to go bad i can feel it

- ALEXIA I TRUSTED YOUUUUU I FUCKING AHHHHJJHHJJ I TRUSTED HER AND SHE SAID THAT

- also the statement is SOOO untrue???

- this is character murder for the purpose of a shitty love triangle that’s bound to happen :/

— this is in between clips it’s a sunday and I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW ARTHUR IS DOING SHOW ME THE BOY

- yes his beanie is permanent fuck right off

- arthur and lucas said Failure Rights!

- wait okay so arthur’s first choice of seat is next to lucas and not... HIS MOFUCKIN GIRLFRIEND??

- imane really does get stuck with the worst class partners. i mean they’re great. but also the worst.

- the way he took of the beanie like Yeah We Ain’t Hiding Anything HERE

- LUCASDS TRUED TO SAY SOMNETHIBG

- imane is Onto You bitch

- bro not gonna lie i’m missing sofiane rn

- BE QUIET STOP Y E L L I N G

- yann how dare you trip the sick kid with the beanie

- yann and emma get back together challenge

- actually we do have to stare at each others dicks that is one of the pillars of friendship. lucas and eliott know.

- alexia is trying SO HARD

- lisa is OVER THIS JOB

- NOEEEEE NOÉE i- there she is

- *to the tune of jolene by dolly parton* noée noéE noÉE NOEEEEE

- ARE THEY FINALLY GOING TO TALK OR

- “i’m not deaf” okay sure Jan

- noée just ended his whole career with a hand gesture

- i didn’t need to translate that text i’m basically fluent now 😌😌

- okay so now i’m just getting the vibe that noée likes to adopt idiots... maybe there won’t be a love triangle

- not to be loud but this kinda reminds me of when lucas was looking up eliott

- to the person who translated it as “headass”... thankyou

- noee is already signing the adoption papers huh

- IDK WHY THE FOCUS SHIFT TO BASILE MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD BUT HES JUST STANDIN THERE HA

- arthur really struggling with that sandwich packaging

- NO👏ITS👏YOU👏

- when everyone knows about your sex life 😔✋

- bas be like: friend acting weird? must be gay.

- HE TOOK OFF THE BEANIE HELL YEAH BOYS MAYBE SOMETIMES WE DO WIN

- bas is crying bc arthur isn’t gay

- basile: “you can’t keep that beanie your whole life”

arthur: Bitch Watch Me

- BOY YOU BUILT LIKE uhhhhhhhh PENIS

- BRO😘CHECK🥰

- paul really said IM AN ACTOR

- imane has been diagnosed with Protect The Season Main Syndrome

- alexia said: and i- OOP

- wait holy shit I just realized their class ended at 5pm the fuck

- “i dont know if you met someone else” Yes. No. But... Yes.

- JUST. TELL. HER.

- arthur my dude you don’t gotta yell use your inside voice

- oh god oh fuck

- oh no

- oh........ oh no

- i’m so distressed but mostly over lucas’ hair

- i just had to go outside and take a breath i’m..... wow

final thots: i no longer think noée is going to be a love interest... it would make things very complicated storyline wise because alexia obviously loves him. i do think that noée is going to complicate things between them though, idk how yet.

also arthur really do look like a penis with that hat on i’m sorry...

#here it is folks #lexi watches skfr #skam france

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migleefulmoments · 4 years

Note

The speculation that the tinhats have been tossing around the last couple of days (Darren ghost-writing music for big pop artists) is exactly how their new “facts” get added to their list. They spend a few days making up some BS and then later they will refer back to it as if it’s a proven fact.

Anonymous said: What is this new nonsense about Darren ghostwriting for Mariah Carey and others? What did I miss? Are they high?

Anonymous said: Oh Abby, when will the lies stop? You're making up bullshit about Darren ghostwriting songs now? Where did this come up from? Must have been from the drinks you and your friend had the other night. A drunken conversation of 'What if's and How about's' that will keep your little coven hanging on to your every word for weeks. You're a liar, Abby. You have mental issues. You need help. At least this is fairly harmless, I mean, you're not saying anything Anti-Mia, but still you're lying. Ugh.

Anonymous said: Did the tinhats seriously imply that maybe Darren wrote Taylor Swift’s “Out of the Woods” song? And then when someone pointed out that Taylor writes her own songs (including that one) they decided that Darren used the phrase “out of the woods” because he relates to that song. Sometimes I think they have reached the pinnacle of insanity and then they make these absurd reaches out of nowhere. They truly do believe that the entire world revolves around Darren.

Anonymous said: "I have always wondered how D got out of his record contract and this just might be an explanation." Ok I can't make sense of what the heck she's even trying to say in the rest of this post but Naya, Kevin and Amber were all dropped by their label (I think it was Columbia) because execs didn't expect their albums to make enough money. I suspect the same happened to Darren. I really doubt that there's anything more to it than that.

1. This IS EXACTLY HOW batshitcrazy cc lies get turned into facts. Roughedreconteur is nuts- their posts are always insane with tangents that nobody else would ever imagine. Abby used to disagree with them as they don’t seem to actually like Darren but lately, they are coming in with things that don’t offend her and she plays along, pretending that Rouged’s nutjob ideas are valid- it’s the US media pretending that when Trump makes a statement that is an outright lie it’s ok to repeat it likes it true or makes sense instead of calling him out. This time Abby really got swept up in the idea that Darren said on his Text message that he was almost “out of the woods”. Those of us who live in reality know that “out of the woods” is a commonly used saying that many people use to contact they are almost done with the worst of it- whether that is an illness “Dr, is he out of the woods yet?” or work-related projects like Darren did or just like what Trump thinks is happening now that McConnell already said he was “lock-step with Trump” because he doesn’t understand that he has already been impeached and that won’t go away, ever or literally you are coming home from a hike and you almost “out of the woods"ba-dum-pa. It wasn’t a reference to Taylor Swift’s song. Taylor does actually write her music, she started out as a writer when she was 15. Ironically, one of the tinhatters mentioned that Darren went to a Taylor Swift concert and her mom hugged him- that may have happened but I know for sure he went to a T.Swift concert and Taylor was walking down the aisle from her outer stage back to mainstage and she saw him and hugged him and I know this becuase I was there. This is the sum total of the evidence they going on to arrive at “Darren wrote ‘Out Of The Woods” and was referencing it.

2. One only needs to spend 4 min with Wikipedia to realize that Taylor and Jack Antanoff wrote the damn song- not Darren Criss.

3 Taylor’s Label was Big Machine Record, not Columbia

4. I am also pretty sure that Columbia dropped Darren’s album because they believed it wasn’t commercially viable. Record labels don’t care if the singers like their albums. Lots of people have had music they didn’t like released anyway. Record labels are out to make money and they will do whatever they can to recoup expenses they spent on making the album but putting out a nonviable album is even more expensive and sometimes they cut their loses. Darren certainly didn’t have the power to shelf his own album or to cut some drug deal with the company to ghostwrite to what? Pay them back for the expense or to Ghostwrite until he’s paid off some arbitrary debt? But as you pointed out- the Taylor and Mariah weren’t on Columbia when Darren was (Mariah was at some point)

5. As for how they got to Mariah Carey- Darren sang Mariah Carey on Lip Sync Battle and “he has no known connection to her” and according to Abby and Rouged, people always sing songs connected to them (I don’t watch it much but I’m pretty sure that isn’t true). It looks to me like Darren was slotted into a show that was clearly just a Mariah tribute. I suspect it had to do with timing and nothing more. Lots of people battle someone they are connected to but that isn’t a requirement. Rouged claimed the star he battled was LA Reid (It was Jermaine Dupri). Jermaine co-wrote and produced many of Mariah's biggest hits although Heartbreaker written by Mariah and Jay-Z and produced by DJ Clue. Rouged argued that LA Reid is connected to Mariah Carey (he was- he was her label head for many years). When someone pointed out that it was Jermaine, not LA Reid, Rouged’s excuse was she can’t tell the difference between LA Reid (who is 63 years old), Jermaine Dupri (who is quite short and 47 years old), and P Diddy (who is 50). Dude, those 3 men look nothing alike.

6. Nobody even mentioned Rouged’s nonsense about how Ryan Murphy wanted to get song rights quickly so he had the cast themselves work their magic to obtain those rights WTAF? I am quite sure that the process for obtaining rights was something the legal department did and it wasn’t like Ryan called up the singer and asked- it would have been something official done through their representatives. Clearly, Chris Martin said “no” so we know they had input but it still wasn’t Ryan called Chris and Chris said “no” but later he said “yes” and that was that- no legal papers were signed.

7. Abby claims there us a “Mia figure’ in Royalties, not sure what the hell that means

8. Abby and Flowers are trying to make Mariah’s butterfly thing and Chris’s Butterfly IGs into something so Abby claimed Chris posted a pic of himself in front of the butterfly mural “before the battle”. Well, yes he did...it’s dated August 2018 which is before Darren’s Jan 24, 2019, Lip Syn Battle...on that, she isn’t wrong LOL.

This is honestly one of the most harebrained theories I’ve read to date as it relies entirely on multiple things that aren’t even real

The actual posts under a cut because they are looong

rougedraconteur asked: Whenever something really strange happens like the “cough hacking “cough” of an ENTIRE site to the point of shutting it down, that has had only minimal action from a questionable enterprise that has failed in most ways and has had at least one party sending desperate signals and the other acting like they had cut them off already, that means something, but probably not exactly what it looks like on its face. I think D’s response, saying HE, not WE, is “almost out of the woods,” is telling.

ajw720 answered: Look at that song again. Look how specific some of it is. Lying on your couch. The feel of your necklace around my neck. You put on the brakes too soon, 20 stitches in a hospital room. All the wolves, the ice and snow of being frozen out, attacked by the enchanted forest itself and caught by vines just when you had almost made it to the ocean. You get there, and find…yourself. Or just someone like you? The mirror image, what that journey made you into, or something else, more real?

So, I think it is possible that “Royalties” may spoof some very famous “songwriters.” That IS the premise, and D has set him and an M type “just ugh” up as a “songwriting team.” One that is, in THAT clip, not so great, and in fact terrible. But, D is in deep with the professional songwriters guild. THAT, is fact. But why, exactly? Is he “ghostwriting” for someone famous for writing ALL their own songs? Mariah just got into their Hall of Fame, gossip is she wrote nothing much, all ghosted.

So, Royalties? Will it make fun of that type power pop star? Will they be credited, or “ghosted” so the star gets all or most of the credit? Mariah is not the only power pop star D has been associated with, in strange but oddly significant ways. It is very telling that most celebs on Lip Sync Battle compete against a former co-star, “significant other,” or old pal. Not D, and that meant something. L.A. Reid has a long connection with Mariah. To the public, D has no connection with either.

So, when you do a Mariah tribute on a show as kitschy popular with superfans of celebs as Lip Synch Battle, you would OF COURSE pick L.A. Reid, who is a power producer of more than a little questionable reputation and no real entertainer on his own, really, but well connected as her long-time producer/rumored former lover/long time cheerleader and friend. And D. Who is WHAT to them both, exactly? That whole thing NEVER made sense, except that D BECAME Mariah, and stole that show. Hmmmm…

Who else does D know that is a huge star that writes their own songs? In fact, is known for that, even critically praised, well above her singing abilities? Tay/lor. He was at one of her concerts, and was greeted in the crowd by her mom. He has been behind her in another venue, they have crossed paths. At this point, she has certainly been managed, or managed herself, much better than Bieber, her male counterpart. IF she has ghostwriters, they would be well-hidden and tightly secured.

**************************************************

Hello @rougedraconteur. Cough, cough, hack indeed. I will never believe some random person went and deleted posts and blocked people from a band’s SM that most people have never heard of. In my opinion, inside job, meant to send a direct message, which to us is unclear, but the recipient received it, of that i have no question (I have wondered if D has tried to withhold the new EP, nothing else much makes sense especially in light of his brother seemingly struggling to pay the bills).

Really interesting on the song reference in the tweet “once I’m out of the woods”, I have never heard that song, but wow, how close is this to what i perceive as reality? This could BE D and now that i understand the reference, just like i think he wrote the tweets from NYE when he said “and here we are now, I made it, we made it. I’ve been looking forward to to this for a long time…the Soaring Twenties…seeing clearly in 2020”, I am starting to lean he wrote these tweets that indicated he was “tending to some other obligations” (which include a fake wedding, endless promotion for Swiller, Fashion Shows, Family Honeymoon in the Philippines, TB commercials and other endless adds, and promoting SK). Far too smart for the Jumping Jackass or PBB. And well, in combination, an interesting series of tweets.

For those other who don’t know the song:

Looking at it now It all seems so simple We were lying on your couch I remember You took a Polaroid of us Then discovered (then discovered) The rest of the world was black and white But we were in screaming color And I remember thinking

Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? In the clear yet, good

Are we out of the woods

Looking at it now Last December (last December) We were built to fall apart Then fall back together (back together) Ooh your necklace hanging from my neck The night we couldn’t quite forget When we decided (we decided) to move the furniture so we could dance Baby, like we stood a chance Two paper airplanes flying, flying, flying And I remember thinking

Are we out of the woods?

Remember when you hit the brakes too soon Twenty stitches in a hospital room When you started crying baby, I did too But when the sun came up I was looking at you Remember when we couldn’t take the heat I walked out, I said, I’m setting you free But the monsters turned out to be just trees When the sun came up you were looking at me

You were looking at me

Oh! You were looking at me

Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods? (I remember) Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? (Oh, I remember)Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? In the clear yet, good

Dare I hope that perhaps D is really optimistic about the year ahead? Because add in the HW stuff (on 2 most anticipated queer shows of 2020 lists, the reference to SB being leaked, what we know about the other characters, what we don’t know about Raymond, and the otherwise silence about the show), things are, shall we say, interesting.

On R/oyalties, a/k/a the show that is used to pay out every user/leach in his life (SK, RR, PBB, Algorithm Winners, etc), my understanding, and it is limited, is that they are in fact writing songs for popular, mainstream artists. Unclear if they are named songwriters or if they will be “ghosting” for people and based on the fact that the first artist is played by CT, I would venture to guess that they talent isn’t that amazing, so yes in many ways, making fun of the talent and pointing out that behind most of these mainstream acts are writers we never know or see.

On D himself ghosting, quite possible right? It could explain a lot. Including, if he bought it, being pushed to buy a $3 million home for his beard (which could possible be an agreed upon pay out). I have always wondered how D got out of his record contract and this just might be an explanation. Perhaps he agreed that instead of releasing his own music that was not authentically him, he agreed to write music for other artists that may or may not include the above reference individuals? No question, his spot on Lip Sync Battle was odd if there is no association to MC and yes, she has a clear and obvious connection to to L.A. This is no question, something to think about and ponder. He is an incredibly talented songwriter who, to date, has not released, that we are aware of, a ton of material. It would make sense if he is writing for others and I would guess ghosting would pay well. You definitely made me think.

mmack062. 1Just a quick correction, it was Jermaine Dupri (Janet Jackson’s former fiance) not LA Reid on LSB with D.

ajw720 Thanks @mmack0621!

flowersintheattic254 Only 2 things spring to mind here. 1. Was the run of butterfly posts from C prior to and after D’s lipsynch performance so maybe he has ghost written for MK and 2. Once ‘he’s out of the woods’. It may be a reference to a TS song, but considering the location for the sham was in the woods I would like to hope he’s near to escaping and out of the woods soon 😉.

ajw720 @flowersintheattic254 perhaps a double meaning then?

C posted this before the battle.

rougedraconteur. I like this, and I like Tay/lor, although that is a recent development, on my part, but I think she is coming more into her own with more near total control over HER mammoth “overnight” breakout career than she ever had before. Remind you of somebody? Getting there, anyway. And yeah, some folks have to write under another name, for various reasons.

Butterfly IS a Mari/ah Car/ey Trademark, but it is for Tay, too. She posted a giant butterfly on a wall in Nashville with her most recent album. Not saying we are right, in either case or with the connections, but I believe you should look at everything and how it might connect, as a possible piece of this puzzle. Mar/iah was recently inducted into Songwriters Hall of Fame, as a recent piece of gossip I saw stated, though she was unqualified for it. Ghostwriters who CAN’T be revealed because the celeb and management won’t allow it, as detremental to the Big Star who is a MoneyMaker.

Can anyone verify that D’s old roomie Je/ff Jerni/gan, who went with D to Ka/tyPer/ry’s western bday party, around 2012 or 2013 maybe, during THOSE years, was with ASCAP in some “official” capacity, and that his sister worked in a big-sounding job with F/ox At that time? Connections. I know JJ has moved on now, but D has always been involved with ASCAP and recognized as a SONGWRITER, even by Gl/ee and RIB, and hung around with other songwriters and big pop stars kind of above his pay grade at the time, if you get my drift.

Think of the swiftie songs both D AND C have sung or lipsynced to in their online posts. They connect to at least some of her stuff in SOME way. And that’s a fact.

ajw720 Just adding a few significant facts. The Human EP was released on my birthday in 2010 (July 20) a few months prior to rocketing to stardom, seemingly giving him an even bigger platform to have his music heard. Since that time, D has released very few original songs (almost 10 years) even though we know he was signed to a record deal with Columbia for several years and he has told us that he wrote and recorded many songs for an eventual album that was never released. He even spent an entire summer in the UK writing songs with people like B/runo M/ars. And Columbia funded a summer tour to test his songs and popularity. A tour that sold out. So what has D released?

1 Solo EP with 4 original songs, one of which he claimed was written many years ago when he 1st performed it (untrue written during LU) and 1 of which he has given his brother credit for writing the chorus.

1 EP with his brother with 4 original songs, which he claims were mainly written by his brother

1 SK show back in 2011

2 original songs performed on G/lee

And 4 or 5 songs for the LU tour, none of which were released (I don’t count IDM as that wasn’t specifically written for the tour and only performed once). And ONE of those songs was “ghostwritten” by wa/tsky (either Pheromones or PPG)

The songs he wrote for R/oyalties yet to be released

In 10 years, he has released FOUR solo tunes, FOUR, despite being signed to a huge contract. FOUR, on an indy label. And I believe he only released them because he was forced by contract as he owed it to the Jumping Jackass (hence the name H/omework, a chore that has to be done). And a total of, not including R/oyalties, maybe 30 including a musical for his theater group that was performed 9 years ago. Where has all his music gone? Now, I am certain he is holding back on solo tunes because he does not want them associated with PBB. But still, it is a least worth questioning.

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alyhollywood · 5 years

Text

2017

I posted prior a picture with a self quote outside the court house. This is pictures from injuries the second time that guy had attacked me. I have one of my face a week and some days later as well while it was healing. Bruises everywhere. Slammed my face so hard into my open binder the ring clips left marks. He threw a cling wrap roll pictured so hard across the room it hit and cut my leg then continued to rebound and fly behind me into the top corner of my bed, I was hit sitting on the end near footboard. That was how he ended the attack. My neighbors below me called cops it was 8:20 am I was just out of the shower and was doing a body wrap for a company I work for to show it’s result by demoing and taking before and after. He attacked me out of nowhere storming my room and being too fucked up to function but insisted to wrap the bandages and cling wrap for me, I was fine solo I wanted him to leave that was all I wanted for 3 days I couldn’t get him to leave. He had been asleep on the couch which is why I showered and was doing my own thing waiting till he woke so I could get him out since everything else like even throwing a water bottle splashing onto him with music blast and lights on with spotlight fixated he wouldn’t wake kind of over the top insanity; I truly had tried everything.

Anyways his attack he and I were all over the room at times he would pick me up in such a way I couldn’t kick I couldn’t move my arms I was stuck there squirming but unable to break his grasp. When he at one point had coveted my mouth as I screamed I realized this wasn’t a random event, this was not a new thing this was an act he was well rehearsed in and I was really in trouble. Those who have experience in being a victim or attacker know that those who don’t have practice in doing a hand cover the mouth are easy to turn your head out of the clasp, bite their hand, maneuver your way out and still be screaming as well as breathing. I knew I was in trouble by the way he grasped my mouth in such a way it was clear he had done this more then once before I couldn’t bite. I couldn’t breathe. I could hardly scream with my mouth closed nose plugged and pinned without real footing only on one of my tiptoes knees half bent face slammed down into my binder. Knees cutting into a plastic bin that had partially slid out from inter my bed. And arms pinned and twisted in a way I thought one was going to rip from the socket or break an elbow. So much all over that room every corner as we scrambled playing a cat and mouse game me begging him to get out. He had made sure to plan this I knew because he knew it was the date of my deceased love’s birthday and I was sure to already be vulnerable and emotional. He wanted to taint his day and make it have a memory of him. Instead I tack it to the cluster of others that I hook all to the court dates in the January that followed after this and the endless months of his refusal to follow his plea deal. Break ins to my place. Robbing me. Having his friends watch my place all hours across at the coffee shop. So much it’s absurd and crazier is it took my until oct 31 to have him called on for violating the protective order part of his plea that I learned of from his copy the day he got out a no contact order ptf. Smh. My wrist photograph that was after swelling went down it was bruised and peeled from having been so swollen in the shape of his hand grasp on my wrist/arm. I was so bruised cops could photograph 10 min after it all happened so of course their photos are nowhere close to what it looked like hours after. My jaw was so swollen I had to buy and use toddler silverware that week and toothbrush to fit in my mouth. Eventually swelling went down and I went to yawn one morning and it full on crackled. Cracking noises!!! I had bruises and cuts all over my face and neck and legs bruised to purple as you can see above on my upper thigh.

Try explaining a body wrap to a cop. He gave me an odd look mind you they arrived I threw on a faux fur lined hoodie and a pair of cheer shorts off my floor cux I was only in a bra and the body wrap. I literally was dying how it heats you up to blast fat cells think lipo in a bottle but we use lymphatic drainage system to flush instead of an invasive suction out of the blasted cells. Anyways I was trying to say how it started and over what and with this cringed crinkled facial expression flat out asked me Do I think I’m fat? Ptf I was like ugh no my company sells this so I was using to show if it can work on me it would work on just about anyone. I mean if I can lose inches then that’s amazing attestiment to it truly working right ? Hah. All I could think was great they gonna somehow have this end up with my ass in an eating disorder rehab or something locked away while his ass is free to harm people. Actually looking back maybe it would of made me safer considering he didn’t ever stop even in Jan in their custody 60+ calls a day 4 letters between nov-beginning of Jan and 3 protective orders in place and they had him yet could not stop him from contacting me. The system doesn’t protect victims I truly can say all the ways I firsthand had this blazen clear on how much they really would not do anything until after he succeeded in extreme harm to me or my death. It has to be that bad before they do much. It’s absurd.

Anyways just wanted to share more on that story about a sociopath I went on one date said I just wanted to be friends saw it not going anywhere and decided in the end if he couldn’t have me no one could and was hellbent on taking me hostage in a Forrest to have me be his or to kill me off. I’ll share more later but just thinking back and replay of all that he put me thru it was exhausting. To say the least. Just for the record he had a foot and some inches in height on me and was a baseball pitcher so those of you know baseball players know that knarly arm and shoulder muscles that remain. Dude even pretended to become vegan to try to get me to be with him. Lied about everything and would use other people’s stories as his own to seem relatable and get close to you not just to me but did this to his best friends we discovered even. Crazy mother f*****r lol. Dude even shot up a blood rig so a part of me could always be a part of him smh. He tried to steal my words to make lyrics plagerizing poems of mine and wanted my art for a tattoo I refused to draw for him. No way would my art be on such a horrible souls vessel who robbed me injured me countless ways not just these big attacks and let alone just totally wack. It started out being his musical muse that inspired him to write beautifully constructed melodies esp on piano he is truly gifted but what it turned into was deadly and being someone’s muse is a fine line I learned to walk when they have boundaries they are willing to cross because of your effect on them is just too much.

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heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon · 4 years

Text

The deal with my deer tail: Continued from the last tagged post (MENTIONS OF EX’S AND OHS OFF THE PORT BOW).

Like, I’m very painfully aware that this is %200 a trauma/coping thing that I’ve developed for myself now because deer were … My exe’s absolute favorite animal of all time ever and he associated with them deeply in regards to certain aspects of his personality and hobbies and this kinda plays a little bit into why I was attracted to him in the first place because it was such unique interest for someone to have and then ….Of course his favorite film ever was “Bambi” like, to the point of having the plushies and the original ORIGINAL book by Felix Salten along with it’s original sequel book and everything and it’s like …So odd for me because I live right by the woods in the middle of nowhere anyway and not a day goes by without discussion of these creatures in my house or without an offer to go “deer spotting” or “Bambi Spotting”… And I don’t have much room to say “no” because who would say “no” to deer sighting so I typically just go along with as if it doesn’t effect me because I have no choice….. And anyway outside of my home life I know tumblr typically loves deer and deer aesthetics as well and while I thought I’ve been trying to go out of my way to avoid this particular animal (at least on social media if I’m unable to in my home life) for the longest time because I associate them so deeply with my ex … Because deer were *HIS* thing … I’m slowly coming to terms with this creeping realization that I’ve had that I’ve not only been surrounded by the actual animal since before I met him …. But I’ve also just … Been surrounded by just …. All these deer characters and deer aesthetic since he left me…. And that also hurts me ….Because ….Since he’d been trying to find ways to get back in contact with me for the better part of the decade yearly since then, without ever apologizing, and since 2017 I’ve only had two years without receiving something from him in order to fully process how he’d been in my life for a near full decade like, wether I wanted him to be or not … That sort of just … devolved into this odd habit of me projecting unto certain characters with these kind of aesthetics and relationship dynamics to help cope because he never gave me anything else and it’s weird because I started to seek out these things and look at them in context to my relationship with this person and I just felt ….. bittersweet but okay because I would think of him and I would think of the way that he used to make me feel and feel and I would feel sad but because of the nature and narrative that I was projecting toward I would also feel comforted in a way and validated and calm? Which is also the way I’d start to feel whenever I’d see an actual deer or mention of deer or even see clips or concept art from “Bambi” or a baby deer …

But ………

So back in 2018, just a couple days after what would have been one of our “anniversaries” had past, and I hadn’t even keeping track of how many at that point but like, basically something happened that triggered me into a remember the time that in 2013 he had found my tumblr and followed me without warning, context or permission, without even speaking to me after finding me the year before this just to let me know how much he couldn’t care less about me, apparently ….. which, sure, Jan.

But … This time he was freaking me out because he was just following me silently on a blank account out of nowhere and I kind of managed to find what could’ve been considered my first ever girlfriend within the six months to a year that he’d been out of my life and it is me and this new girl had only “official” for 3 days after like, 6 months of slow burn flirting with each other and then this other cowardice arsehole who didn’t even have the dignity to speak to me proper was … Someone who had known for me for 3 years and someone whom I had once shared the most intimate parts of myself with.

In short I could already foresee this becoming a pattern after he’d managed to contact me the last time so I ended up breaking down and having a panic attack.

I didn’t know what to do and I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot, so… I made a screen cap and a post and kind of explaining who he was and how he hurt me and how I didn’t want him hurting my girlfriend or anyone else so just PLEASE don’t talk to him etc. And then I blocked him and threw up. And would-be-girlfriend blocked me the next day because of this…

A couple weeks later around New Years, I decided to log into the old hotmail account that I had just because I was curious….

The first email that he sent me was to let me know that he was going to follow me on tumblr and he was asking how my Christmas was and inquiring how I was doing, he wanted to know if I was “fine”. His version of pet names all included as if nothing had gone wrong between us ….

The next three emails, sent within minutes of each other, each only sentences long, were all responding to my reaction to his following me on tumblr without a word, without context, and seemingly without context …. These emails all of which I did not end up saving or screen caping because…. I’m pretty much 99% freaking. Percent. SURE! That he stated something passively along the lines of: “ If I REALLY wanted to *BLANK* , I would have done so… >.>” cause I distantly remember his little side eye emoji that he placed after the words “done so” and like, it’s really easy to kind of place the words “HURT YOU” in the middle of that, because that’s what I was talking about him doing in context, which would lead to at least vaguely remembering this in a full sentence as: “If I REALLY wanted to hurt you, I would have done so … >.>”

So yes, I’m at least 99% sure that he had threatened me, like that …

And of course I didn’t respond, but I do remember feeling threatened enough that it made my heart race and it made me cry and I needed to ask my mom for champaign to calm and I also remember that the whole reason why I didn’t save those emails was because if I did it would make the threat real and would need to tell my parents and I just didn’t want to think of him that way or what he’d meant by that and because this was already becoming a pattern, I didn’t want to spend another entire year of being paranoid he was planning something …

And he also kept going about what a nice guy he was and told me to have a nice life and told me he was gonna check up on me anymore and said that I treated him like shit …

So I just took a sip of my champaign, told myself I’d see him in a year, and deleted his emails… This was in 2013.

In 2014, I caught him spying on me through the visitors page of an account I’d already gone out of my way to block him on, and I noticed that, even though it been two years, he still had the icon that I had personally picked out for him as his avatar, an odd memory to keep from someone you claim to not care about, constantly ….

In 2015, he sent me a silent skype request…

In 2016.. He found my tumblr again …Actually saying something where I could access it this time … He sent me like, 7 IM’s and for the most part was back to being nice as pie, back to his version of calling me pet names and everything … claimed that he just wanted to say Hello …

He said that we could talk someday if I wanted to and that it was up to me … I still didn’t answer, because for one this was past midnight on Friday The 13th and when I saw that I had 7 IM’s and a new follower I just …. I got this sinking gut feeling that I knew that it was him and then I told myself that I was being paranoid again and that he couldn’t possibly because I’d already blocked him and so I opened up the messages just to prove to myself that I was wrong and got met with his username and a single smiley face emoji like:

“:)” Was the first thing I saw when I opened his messages…

And I immediately closed them out again and I closed tumblr out and I just sat there …. for awhile … Because the last thing he did say to me verbally was to threaten me and tell me that I treated him like shit … And I had no way of knowing what could be behind that smiley face …

But I needed to know … So I opened the messages and read them …

And that’s when he went back to being as nice as his own pie recipe and seemingly pretending like those emails and the spying didn’t happen …

Like, I don’t know if he knew I knew about them, but I have an inkling he must’ve otherwise he wouldn’t have been that cocky … “:)” is not a friendly smiley face, nor will it ever be.

And in the middle before all that he was like: “Let’s hope you don’t bite my head off this time …. xD” referring back to only the 2013 incident when I said something indirectly and that scared away the girl I was about to maybe start something with, again as if that didn’t happen ….

So, I didn’t answer him, because he didn’t earn it.

So like yeah, back in 2018, due to …. certain contexts of certain things which would also lead into me having anticipated myself getting caught up in an over abundance of people’s appreciation for deer, due to something that I not mention, I’d also been triggered/hit with a sharp realization that, October 27th, 2019 would have been the 10 year anniversary of having met that person in the first place, if he hadn’t discarded me after 3 years and then spent like, the better part of the decade trying to get in contact with me, upon the deeper realization that, even as of now, I’ve only really officially had this person out of my life for two years, and on top of that, he’d still find a way of showing up in my life Every. Single. Year. For the past four years. And now I would have to be dealing with an over abundance of deer and ‘Bambi’ references and puns, even more so than I obviously did and still do now, in my home life…

So my reaction was to laugh. REALLY fucking hard. And then I realized that deer might actually just…. LEGIT be my trigger always and then I started crying laughing cause I was just like “OH dear GOD… (and I can’t even like, say that that or type that without it already being a pun without it being a pun …which only makes it FUNNIER …) I might LEGIT have Bambiphobia!”

And then I broke down. Because I didn’t know how to feel about this or how I was gonna deal with it.

I’m still figuring out how I feel about this and how I’m dealing with it ….

My ex …. Was….He wasn’t a very complex boy but, he had always been more ,… In touch with things like femininity and sensitivity, or at least made a show of it, but I’d like to think he was genuinely like that considering what his interests were and he might’ve been autistic too just, looking back on things in context?

(His absolute FAVORITE music to listen to was also Owl City and he loved Adam Young, and considering Adam Young is self diagnosed and my ex’s special interest in deer, and Bambi and the books and the plushies and the the way he could just …talk and talk to me about anything for hours and hours and hours and we’d never we’d never get tired of each other…. I’ve just been doing all this math in my head I’m not trying to imply anything bad about these things and they all play into factors of why I was originally attracted to him to begin with).

He openly identified as Bisexual before I even knew what that was for myself and still kind of considered myself “Straight but not Narrow TM” or whatever kind of definition I saw on Television.

He wrote poetry as a hobby and of course knew how to play the piano while I did none of those things.

He was 17 when I met him but due to cultural difference of where he lived… he enjoyed wine and opera.

He was extremely well spoken and charming and articulate, and he also loved Mr. Rodger’s and Albert Einstein to the point of just having just … One big black and white poster of Albert in his room and one time, he was going on about his admiration for Rodger’s and so innocently told me how he intended to write and send him fan-letters one day and then reasonably became extremely upset when I informed that Rodger’s passed away, and I felt even more so helpless to comfort him when he asked me if I could tell him a little bit more about Rodger’s life to make him feel better and I knew absolutely nothing about the man aside from vaguely remembering that I used to watch his show when I was small …

So yeah my ex’s personality could essentially be summed up as: “ Eccentric, Silly “Smart” boy”, if I needed to …

He once excused himself when I told him that I needed to eat soon and came back, all decked out in a tuxedo to “have dinner together”, and I was about to eat a taco…

This one time he noticed that I was super uncomfortable and upset because I just watched this disgusting ableist film that had like incest in and shit and I didn’t wanna tell him but he got it out it out of me and HE KNEW WHAT FILM I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND THEN WANT ON BIG RANT AND ESSAY ABOUT HOW VILE IT WAS AND HOW I SHOULD PAY IT NO MIND AND AFTERWARDS HE WAS LIKE: “You know what? We need some music to wash the taste out of our mouths…” and then he just started playing the piano to calm me down further.

And I’m only saying it like this because incase no one has noticed it’s been a little bit more… Confusing? For me to try and throw a man like this into everyone’s typical “FuckBoyTM” box and call that “Healing”.

I wouldn’t even wanna put labels on him …

I genuinely feel as though I would need to think back to olden times in order to find a way to insult him that would accurately combat and deconstruct the amount of passion we brought out in each other, if it is appropriate to speak of my feelings for him in this context.

His mistreatment of women that he did not like …. Left much to be desired in regards to his attitude. Though his comments were mostly reserved for his half sister, my half sister, and fictional characters and I’m not bringing this up to try and say that this was justified or frame it into a: “Well, he never did that to ME sort of picture …” Though, the odd thing is that, for all the things that my younger self had shared with him, after his abandonment, ever year for four years I’d kept on waiting for the shoe to drop and for him to call me names and slurs and for the verbal abuse to finally commence and he just …

He wouldn’t do any of that. He never did. Not once. Not even during times he would get angry with me when we were together.

So when HE DID, lose his patience with me, he never resorted to name calling, so when he said and did things that hurt me, that he should’ve known better for doing, that meant he was really fucking harsh ….

So harsh, that one night….. It would be the final night I’d ever thought I’d speak to him again. Or at least begin to test him to see if he would come back and apologize and therein lies the the issue: HE ALWAYS came back, HE NEVER apologized.

Perfect. Gentleman. (Of course I’m using sarcasm).

Seriously, you know that new chat post about Male Victorian Novel Protagonist has fucked by his Lady Love and Knows This, BUT is Too Proud to admit this though still pines for her so when he speaks to her now he just: *sweats*…Is your family in good health?

Legit triggers my PTSD cause for the past four years with me it’s been just: Hey mate. Wanted to see how your X-mas was. Is your family okay? Are you fine? I’ve got some time off… Okay fine, I won’t check on you anymore, it’s not like I still love you or anything, baka! >.< *cue two more years of silent bating before* Hey kiddo you doing okay? I know it’s late but my days off today and if you wanna talk someday you can I’ll leave you alone now! :)

Like I know I’m paraphrasing but that’s pretty much it (and I know I know I’m sorry for the “baka” joke, but he WAS a huge otaku nerd to a certain extent and all the anime that I would watch before I really started interacting with AMV editing community on YouTube was recommended him so needless to say I do not watch Anime so much anymore but I couldn’t resist making a “baka” joke in my own mind while reading his poorly veiled passive aggression and it’s written down and out of my system how I’m gotten to properly share one of the ways I’ve teased him for this if only in my own mind.

The thing that makes me feel weird/guilty about all this though is despite his behavior suspicious as shenanigans, he’d only ever attempt close contact once per year (as far as I know) and as far as I know aside from that one time I’d caught him spying on an art group from an account I’d already blocked him on which I don’t really know how he found (which okay, still a little shaken up about that one every time I type about it) his way of always popping up in my life somehow never really strayed from his ordinarily open way of trying to do it, and he’d never verbally abuse me or call me names or slurs while this was happening, despite how condescending or ominous he was while trying to get a razzle out of me …

MEANWHILE, because I let him get a razzle out of me, no matter how long ago it was before I found cpunk, I ended up deliberately calling him an extreme ableist slur just to send him away from away from me, over what was nothing more than a silly misunderstanding and classic case of miscommunication because I couldn’t see his first email and didn’t think to check before I went off on him, regardless if the misunderstanding could’ve been prevented if he communicated directly or not.

And I was too caught up in my reaction to him choosing being ominous and condescending when once he finally decided to try to speak to me again after two years of silent lurking after the last time he tried to speak to me he passively threatened me, that I didn’t get to take back the use of my ableist language toward when I had the chance. Which is the only thing that I’d ever apologize for before his, if he ever gave me one, and of course not conditionally for the both of us.

My ex’s most sensitive spot has always been his mental health and I’ve always known this because I found out once in the early stages of our relationship when we were roleplaying and I went a little too far with my character, so that’s in 2013 when I panicked I decided to say something…like that to upset him in hopes that he would leave me alone but I was really more hurt than I was scared and I would have confronted him directly but again I had a putting it quite bluntly flakey rebound “girlfriend” at the time and I had no idea where she was and I was freaking out and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot and I didn’t know what would happen if he left me alone. And this was at a time when I was taking the “stealth” mode about being disabled. Partially because of him (Gee I WONDER what could’ve happened).

The only person who knew this about me, very intimately (not intimately enough), was him and of course at the time I would NEVER tell my silly abled-bodied brit of a rebound girlfriend.

So, I did what I did and I said what I said.

At the time I only became slightly afraid when I read his reaction in those emails, and then the next year when I caught him spying on already blocked account and the blocking system worked both ways so I had no way of confronting him about it even if I wanted to ether way.

Though, I was admittedly slightly comforted knowing that he never changed the icon I’d picked out for him ….enough to kinda calm me down a bit…… Is that weird of me? It was weird of him.

Now because of this trigger and the context of certain things as to WHY this was such a strong trigger and in context of certain things that we both said… and in regards of the way he handled trying to get back in contact with me for four years and responded to the one reaction he got out of me and proceeded to continue the pattern for 3 years when he couldn’t just used that time to apologize like I’d been waiting for him to do and meanwhile I’m still… confused and guilty … because the first and final reaction he ever got out of me was …that.

For the past year now…. I haven’t been able to stop myself from crying and I just don’t feel like I can let it be like this anymore because I already felt awful about everything before but relating everything in context of the trigger which is another case where I could actually use it help cope is just making me feel so much worse.

What makes this even worser though is that this particular trigger is not only very popular and very public and with this substantial involvement of deer and deer aesthetics and then certain aesthetics and even names …. That I feel like only the two of us would get that it’s just ouch… But like, this thing is also interconnected with Owl City, like not officially but in it’s own way? Which is one of the first things that I thought of once I let the trigger settle because one of the FIRST questions that my ex asked me the day that I met him was wether or not I liked Owl City and I had never even heard of them before so I looked them up and my heart melted and I just knew I had to keep this God Damn Fucking Ray Of Sunshine in my miserable life and never let him go….

And I like to think obviously that the tables must have turned a little bit since then which is another part of what makes using my triggers as coping mechanisms if I can, so cathartic and funny to me and why people can pry this method from my hysterical hands …..

But what I’m getting at here making the Owl City mention even though I hadn’t had myself listen to a single Goddamn thing of theirs for 7 years up until this FREAKING. YEAR (because the tears were already flooding, my honey’s, so I figured MIGHT AS WELL! And yes I did end up crying my eyes out like I knew that would happen if I’d ever let myself listen to Adam Young ever again …) is that… This this thing….. That I love….. Is also a thing my ex would love ….And the reason that all my projectional coping mechanisms work so well is because the dynamics that remind me of our relationship tend to work both ways and is probably part of the reason how I was able to keep (at least reasonably) calm through the 4 years he kept tabs on me was because I felt like I had this very specific trope-y outlet to project my feelings onto and I know that he was a nerd so, if he was … paying attention and absorbing the same media I was …(he would’ve already learned how to apologize…)

No, but seriously, the difference is with THIS media though… Is because it has so many ties to so many of his own aesthetics and things he enjoys …..I just know ….. That he was seeing exactly what I was seeing. I was DREADING the concept of knowing that I was going to fall in love with this thing from the very beginning and it got to the point where I’d be reminded of certain elements I’d forgotten or I’d see certain things play-out for the the first time and, my breath would hitch in my chest …. and I feel guilty (You cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this. Not THIS time. Not again. Never again. Stop it …. Stop it…Stop it. Because ether way this is bad. This is terrible. This is going to be by far the WORST one because you know it involves the actual THING now for both you instead of just elements of the thing why are you subjecting yourself to this?! You know he’s seeing this right now….If he watched the Owl City thing that we’re not watching, then he’s watching this. And YOU shouldn’t be watching this ether!

And so, I would discipline myself to disassociate: You will NOT project THAT relationship onto these two characters, they haven’t even interacted yet!

And then …. that happened. They interacted. And it obviously felt so much worse then…. I prepared myself two seconds in for how it was gonna play out. But I wasn’t prepared that it would end ….or even be that close to home. And then I reminded myself that he was probably watching the same thing that I was, as I’ve always done because it was fun being reminded I was right, my only solace really because projecting myself through these characters was the closest I’d ever get to an apology, but the time that the first viewing was over, everything just felt so wrong and I just felt so uncomfortable about everything and I started to cry cause I knew my reactions to this dynamic were gonna be the most intense from here on out and ………I was so confused and afraid of my own emotions at that moment… And I was feeling a lot of them.

What concerned me the most here though, was being almost certain of the fact that that, if I was watching and it triggered a reaction, HE was most likely watching and it triggered a reaction.... And given the context of the trigger that I’m talking about .... I mean, if it hit close enough to send me into a freaking emotional whiplash and make ME breakdown and make cry and make sick enough to tell my parents and they didn’t even care ... because they said that they already “knew”...(not even discussing the fact that a year later, I would be assaulted by the one man in my family who should have never been the one to guide me through something so awkward but who “helped” me through this emotionally but, again would beat me a year later while my useless mother watched and laughed and would tell me it was it was my fault and I would end briefly removed from my home because of this because he’d left me with bruises and a permeant physical scar ... over food)

...then, I can’t help but think of how my ex would ....Ether be absolutely disgusted with himself or... be... very entertained by all of this. Or both. I know I’ve been both.

And oh, remember all that emotional whiplash I just mentioned in the above paragraph? Well it’s only gotten worse as time went on. Right now I’d say it’s at it’s peak.

Funny this thing is ....I’d been trying to fight back against this temptation to reach out to my ex since this whole thing started and like .... Once we were well into 2019 I just .... realized that fighting this wasn’t going to work anymore if certain circumstances were going to be what they were and things ended up cutting so close to what I feared that it almost doesn’t matter anyway and it still hurts me just as much if not now more so, because of other certain happenings that I will not mention.

And now I can openly admit why the entirety of 2019 has just felt like a ticking time bomb to me. Like of course there are plenty of other factors adding into why .... I’ve been preparing to go through with reaching out to him now but ,like... My paranoia has been like, trying to tell me that this has all just been one big long game or a test and has been making me feel as though he had somehow pre-planned this all and is he currently anticipating me contacting him before 2019 is over.

And that notion is driving me just as bananas as the idea of actually letting myself go through with contacting him.

So I might as well.

I mean ....

Our relationship was taken extremely seriously by the the both of us for the most part... up until the end.

And we were technically each others first times.

We weren’t even dating, really... I just refer to him as my “ex” to make things less complicated..... But for those three years.... We were each others partners....In a way. It just makes things easier to say He Vas My Boyfriend.

I’m suggesting it that would make sense if he would want to try getting back in contact with me and check on me but feel shy and not know how to make it better since he’d have to understand how he fucked up that badly. And for a time... he was the only one who kept extending the invitations for contact.

At least this way I can check to see if he’s okay.

Everything is so fucked up. I know this.

Though Christmas might be the right time to except his last open invitation, all things considered.

I would’ve originally had more time to plan this out had it not been for everything that happened.

My coping mechanisms are as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a doubled edge sword.

I’m just a creature. That’s it. I cannot change this.

I might not be online for a while.

Another Friday the 13th.

Well fancy that.

#Moon Outta' Spoons #ask to tag #ask to tag better #I watched Bambi and Bambi II for the third or maybe fourth time in the last couple of months and like .... Also really for the first time #ever. I don't really know how that's impacted me yet but like it's gotta be good for something taking the leap that I'm about to.#You guys ever notice how MegaraxAladdin was a really popular crossover ship? That's pretty neat huh?#If I ever allow myself to express specific inspiration it's just gonna play out like ...#EX: *FINDS ME* ME: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW IT WAS ME? EX: BECAUSE IT IS YOU YOU HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD YOU JUST #YOU JUST SLIGHTLY CHANGED YOUR URL!#I told you guys that this was gonna get weird and you have no ideer but it's like now after all these years and I've finally been presented #The opportunity to be able to vent about something that's been causing me so much pain for so long SO SPECIFICALLY that I wouldn't be able #to go through with if I wanted to because SOMEBODY OUT THERE WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE AN IDEA!#So I guess no more playing Hide and Seek then .......#Again I don't really know what to say I just might not be online for a while.

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femnet · 5 years

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My mom was adopted when she was 2 days old. I don’t ever remember a time in my life when I didn’t know that fact and neither does she. There was never a big shocking revelation about it. It was just always a fact of all of our lives.

My grandparents, Harry & June (Pops and Mama), were two of the most influential people in my life. When I think about celebrating International Women’s Day, I think about Mama and all she accomplished in her lifetime. She was raised on a cotton farm in Arkansas and was one of only 6 siblings to have a career outside of farm life. She was educated, something rare for a woman born before 1920, worked for a time as a teacher, and then for the State Department. She met Pops after WWII (long after a woman of her time should have been married) while they were both working in China, and made him chase her for months before she agreed to go on a date.

Harry and June adopted my mom some years later after they could not have a baby of their own. They were back in the states and reached out to a lawyer in Reno who had been a WWII buddy of my grandfathers. He helped them arrange the adoption of a baby girl, and the rest, as they say, was history.

For the next 60 years, all my mom knew of her biological family was that her birth mother was going through a divorce when she decided to put my mom up for adoption. We did know that she was originally supposed to be adopted by another family, one that ended up wrapped in a scandal, but that the lawyer switched her at the last minute and gave her to my grandparents instead.

My mom was raised as an only child, completely adored by Harry and June, and was their entire world. When my parents moved to Texas for my dad’s job, they followed not long after and were everything we could hope for in grandparents. We have always enjoyed poking fun at who my mom’s people may be, buying her birthday cards in other languages, coming up with elaborate stories about how the Queen would be coming for us one day, celebrating “our people” with a variety of cultural holidays, and more!

We lost Mama in 2000 after many years of battling breast cancer, and I was devastated. She had been a warrior and had fought with every last breath. I had just graduated high school and she made it just long enough to ensure that I had my diploma and my college acceptance in hand. Her only granddaughter was going to get an education. Pops passed away at the age of 95 in 2015. He had dementia in the last few years, but we were lucky in that, until the end, he was still there, and my kids even got to know their great-grandfather for who he was. He and I shared a birthday and were always incredibly close. He was the kindest man I have ever known. We celebrated both of their lives for what they were: lives well lived to the fullest, and always with love.

Two years ago, we were thrown a curve ball. I was getting ready for bed one night when my Facebook Messenger went off. I looked to see that I had a new message request. Normally, I would ignore these, but I had just put a bunch of old stuff up on buy sell trade, so I figured that maybe someone was requesting information about something I had for sale. I could not have been more wrong! I opened the message to see:

I sent a private message to your mom, but I don’t know how often she checks it so I am messaging you too. My name is Debra and I am looking for my half sister and I think your mom may be her. I left a detailed message on your moms Facebook. Could you let her know so she can check it?

I quite literally fell out of bed! My mom’s adoption records were closed. Her birth mother had set it up so that she could not be found! I didn’t know what to do so I took a screenshot of the text and sent it to my brother! My husband immediately thought it was a scam. My poor brother replied with “OMG Pops had another family?!?!?!” forgetting that any biological children Pops had (he didn’t) would not be biological siblings of my mom, haha! I decided to reply asking for more information before I turned my mom's world upside down. We didn’t have a lot but we did have some specific details that would identify whether this person was legit or not.

Debra continued:

I was texting (the lawyer’s daughter). Her father handled an adoption for my mother and when I told her he also handled her divorce she told me her dad helped a WWII buddy adopt a baby girl which she thought might be in that time frame. I'm not sure when she was born but the divorce finaled in Jan 19**. She was able to give me your grandpa's name and I found his obit and you and your mom. I've been looking since my mother died about 5 years she only told me and my older sister a year before she passed. I've been disappointed a couple of times even went as far as having a sibling DNA test done. Was your mom born in Reno or does she know?

Mentioning the lawyer’s daughter by name and the city of Reno was enough for me to know that this woman was onto something. Pops had stayed very close friends with the lawyer throughout his life and my mom spoke of him and his daughter fondly. We chatted for a bit longer and she shared with me that she had two other living sisters and an older brother who had passed away. Debra, one sister, and the brother were older than my mom and the youngest sister was 12 years younger. The siblings had no idea their mother was even pregnant as she left the children with her family and went to work in Reno through her pregnancy to finalize the adoption and divorce. The baby was not her husband’s but conceived during an affair. The biological father had been in town for work and returned to his wife soon after his job was complete.

Debra’s mother, Marge, spent her left thinking the baby she gave up for adoption had gone to the other family, and had kept news clippings in a box of the stories of the adoption scandal. By the time she told her daughters of this missing sister, her dementia was well advanced, and so her recollection of the years was quite fuzzy. It was this box that helped Debra and her sister begin their search. There were several children adopted to this family in order for an heiress to secure her inheritance. When the scandal broke, the children were all removed to a children’s home and other families. They were able to find the woman born around the same time, and reached out to her first. When the DNA results came back negative, they tracked down the lawyer’s family (Bob had passed some years before as well). His daughter felt comfortable sharing the name of her father’s longtime friend because she knew my mom had always known about the adoption. Could you imagine if we hadn’t known?

I did the only thing I could think of to do at 11:45 at night. I attached the screenshots to an email, and sent them to my mom and dad saying “your biological family found me last night.” There was probably a better way to share that information, but at that time of night, I was not thinking clearly!!!

The next morning my mom called and said “I’m waiting for the punch line. Where is the large woman in a mumu?” No punch line this time, mom! We met for an early lunch to talk about it. Her head was spinning! We pulled up Debra’s Facebook account and started combing through her pictures, and clicking through members of her families. We could absolutely see a resemblance. They shared my blond hair and green eyes, one of Debra’s sons had very similar facial features to my brother, and then we saw the picture of Marge in her younger years. She did look a lot like my mom. It took my mom a few days to process everything, but she decided to go ahead and call Debra back and agreed to a DNA test using 23andme. If it was negative, at least she would be helping someone along their journey.

Weeks went by as we waited. I began messaging with Debra’s daughter, but otherwise, the two families kept a distance. They were careful not to get their hopes up, only to be crushed again. Then, finally, one day they received the email they had been waiting on. They were biological half-sisters. Debra and her family were elated to finally have found their missing piece. Our family was a mix of emotions. We were all excited to meet this new, extended family, however, the revelation started a new journey of rediscovering self-identity. My mom had always been Harry & June’s daughter. What did this mean now?

My mom and I decided to fly out to meet them in their home town a couple of months later. We met all three sisters, and two of their daughters, and had a wonderful weekend connecting. It was really a crazy experience seeing what characteristics are tied by DNA other than physical attributes. A simple mannerism or a laugh became little reminders of this new bond that has always been there. They showed us around their town proudly, introducing my mom to everyone who had a tie to their mother. My new cousins and I invented a drinking game: every time someone said how much my mom looked like Marge, we drank! I was drunk by lunch! It was a wonderful weekend of bonding and learning about the woman who made an impossible choice, sending my mom’s life in an entirely different direction.

The two years since have allowed us time to reflect and digest the new twist in our story. While we are now connected to these wonderful people on the other side of the country, we came to the realization that, when Marge gave my mom up for adoption and gave her to Harry and June, my mom became 100% their daughter. Our history is forever connected to them, their legacy, and the lessons they taught us. When I speak of my grandparents, it will always be Harry and June that I’m referring to, and always be them who I adore and miss. I will forever be grateful to Marge, and the choice she made. I wouldn’t be here today if she hadn’t made it! I love my new aunts and new cousins, but differently than those who have been a part of my life since the beginning. I believe they feel the same, as some have reached out to connect, but others have not. Those who have not probably feel the same as a few of our family members in that they know who their family is, and to them, we are basically strangers, and that’s ok too. My mom is glad to have a connection with her sisters, but the bond will never be as tight as the one the three who were raised together share. She may be their sister but she will always and forever be Harry and June’s daughter.

#by Junell #March 2019 #family relationships #DNA #identity

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lovelivingmydreams · 3 years

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A story by heroes and vilains

Virgil Anker: a chance at change

Changes can be thrust upon you, or made by choice. Virgil has to make a few though decisions this year.

Virgil’s first day of his sophomore year started as a complete disaster. Over the summer his father had started on a ‘project’ he didn’t want to talk about at home. Which was weird. His dad loved talking about work. It was one of the few things that consistently got him excited. Last night he’d worked late, like really late, and Virgil hadn’t been able to bring himself to even go to his room. Instead he sat on the stairs, staring at the front door until his dad came through. After reading that headline that placed the horrible possibility of his father’s secret in his head he’d stopped searching. He’d bolted out of the library and into the park where he curled up under a tree, hid himself with his powers and proceeded to panic for what he later found out was a good hour. He’d always been a worrier and this discovery gave him so much to worry about. What if his father was Brain Storm? What if he was still a bad guy? What if he wasn’t but someone from his past was blackmailing him? What if he’d lose him when people found out? What if this project was something dangerous and something bad had happened? When his dad came home Virgil did something he hadn’t done since he was ten. He jumped into his father’s arms and hugged him tight. The panic he’d been keeping at bay all night rushing over him all at once. It took his dad a while to calm him down. Then he’d put him to bed with the promise of a serious talk after school. Then, of course, Virgil had overslept. His dad always left very early and usually Virgil was very punctual. But today he got up way too late and had to rush out the door. He barely took the time to shower, not even waiting for the water to get warm or to dry his hair properly. For breakfast he shoved a piece of bread in his mouth after which he rushed to the bus stop praying he’d still magically make it to the last buss that would get him to school on time. He had no such luck. When he finally arrived at school he rushed to get his late slip and thanked the heavens that the secretary seemed to feel enough pity for his sorry state to spare him a lecture and just gave him his schedule and told him the quickest way to his first class. “I hope you like where you are sitting…” The teacher’s voice faded out as he finally arrived in class. She looked at him, clearly not happy with his late arrival. “Ah, so glad you could join us Mr. Anker,” she greeted with a clipped voice. Virgil did his best to ignore the fact that everyone was staring at him. Maybe he should try and figure out if he could use his cloak in reverse and make himself blind to the presence of other people. He pulled his hood off as he muttered an apology and tried to avoid looking anyone in the eye. The teacher pointed to the back of the class. “Take your seat and spare me your excuses. I was just telling the class that these are your seats for the rest of the year,” she then continued addressing the class. “So I hope you like your neighbor, they are your new lab partner.” Virgil felt dread fill his stomach. Great a lab partner. And he got stuck with whoever was left sitting alone. He followed the teacher’s gesture and soon spotted the only empty seat in the second to last row in the back. He felt all tension leave his body as he saw that on the spot next to it sat none other than Roman Castile. Maybe today wouldn’t suck as much as he thought it would. The theater kid gave him a playful smirk and a wave. Virgil smiled back and sat down with a relieved sigh. “Man, talk about a lucky break.” “I agree,” Roman grinned. Before Virgil could say anything else, like ‘hi, how was your summer?’, the teacher started class and she was clearly not someone Virgil wanted to get upset at him. Soon they were given their first experiment. He and Roman were laughing, cracking jokes and throwing out nicknames and mild jabs the entire time and still finished early. Virgil couldn’t help the fluttering in his stomach. Roman was cute when he was having a good time. He was so gay for this guy. Trying to look like he was perfectly comfortable with his lack of sleep, breakfast and zero minutes spent with so much as a brush, he leaned back in his chair and looked at Roman curiously. “So how did you end up sitting alone in the back, princey?” There was no way Roman voluntarily hid so far out of sight from everyone else and so far from his usual friend seated in the front row. Roman looked a little awkward at the nickname. “Princey?” he repeated. Virgil rolled his eyes playfully. “Oh come on, you are clearly destined to be prom king senior year. And every king is a prince first,” he teased. Surely he knew that he was the most popular guy of their year? “Fair enough,” Roman allowed with a brief gesture of surrender. “I was last to arrive,” he explained with a shrug. “Simple as that. I didn’t sleep well last night and didn’t get up until my mother kicked me out of bed. She was busy with an order or she would’ve noticed sooner and dad was at the office, so he couldn’t drag me to the breakfast table either.” He made a gesture that seemed to say ‘what can you do?’ “You?” he asked. Virgil couldn’t help but make a face as he thought about the horrible morning he’d had. “Until an hour ago I was convinced the universe just hated me today, let’s leave it at that.” Roman chuckled, but not in a mean way. Then he got this look that Virgil knew meant he was about to be dramatic. “Ah, fate does work in mysterious ways my friend. It must have willed us to team up for this treacherous quest.” ‘How is he this much of a dork? And why do I like that about him?’ Virgil wondered as he laughed at his lab partner’s antics. He just couldn’t help it. Roman just had that effect on him. “Only you can pull of talking like a Shakespeare character,” he told his classmate. A playful light flickered in Roman’s eyes at that. “Well, only you can pull off dressing like a dark knight and still looking like a lost kitten,” he shot back. Virgil forced himself not to show how flustered he felt at being compared to a kitten. Did that mean Roman thought he was cute? And knight? That was a good thing right? Still, he had some kind of reputation he had to uphold. So he gave Roman a playful shove. “You take that back! I am dark and mysterious and intimidating!” Roman didn’t look like he was going to take it back. He looked like he took his protest as a challenge. But then Virgil saw a wad of paper hit his neighbor in the head and Roman’s mood immediately turned sour. Virgil was not far behind. There was only one person he could think of who would provoke the coolest kid in their year like that. Couldn’t Jan let him enjoy himself without him for five minutes? “What gives Bullard?” Roman hissed as they turned around. Virgil hated to see the look on his oldest friend’s face, the sneer, the jealousy. Because it was definitely jealousy that had Janus so worked up about Roman. “You take Smellington next time,” the boy next to Janus flinched in his seat and shot Virgil a pleading look. He recognized him. Virgil had stood up for him to upper classmen several times in the past. “Virgil is sitting with me.” That made Virgil mad like never before. He couldn’t just make decisions about his life like that! “Excuse me?” Roman seethed. “His name is Carlton.” “And you don’t get to say where I sit J,” Virgil added barely keeping his voice down. “I’m fine sitting with Roman. Besides you heard the teacher. No switching seats.” And once again Virgil found himself grateful for something that at first seemed like a bad thing. The teacher might have half a mind to give Virgil detention the second he gave her an excuse, but she also won’t let Janus have his way. Janus was a smooth talker and it got him out of trouble all the time. How Virgil didn’t know for sure, but he was almost certain it wouldn’t work this time around. “We always sit together!” Janus protests, there is a little bit of hurt hidden behind his indignation, but Virgil won’t let it get to him. Not this time. “Exactly. The world won’t end because I’m Roman’s lab partner J.” Really why can’t he have one hour to spend with someone else? “Am I interrupting?” Virgil heard a cold voice from behind him causing him, and the other three students to freeze in shock and turn to face the teacher. She was directing her eyes at Janus. Virgil was right, his friend’s usual tricks would not work this time. “Mr. Bullard, I don’t have you and Mr. Jonson’s assignment yet, which means you can’t be talking with anyone else besides each other right now,” she informed him in a dangerous tone. Two tardy students was clearly already more than she wanted to put up with on the first day of class. Virgil looked back at his friend and watched as Janus gave her his trademark ‘persuasive look’ his voice becoming honey like. Virgil had watched this get him extensions on projects, a better grade on those he had turned in… It was weird, and Virgil almost thought it might be a gift, but Janus would tell him, if no one else. Not to mention it didn’t always work. A gift should be more consistently successful shouldn’t it? “Ma’am, I can’t work with him. Virgil and I never had a problem in projects, can’t we…” “No.” The statement was firm and final and Virgil tried not to show how relieved he felt. “I put Mr. Jonson next to you because you are much too dependent on Mr. Anker’s presence. You won’t always be able to hide behind him Mr. Bullard. You better learn that now. And if I see any more problems here then all that’ll change is that Mr. Castille and Mr. Anker will be moved to the front of the class so you can’t distract them anymore. Is that understood?” Virgil was a bit surprised to hear all this. It seemed like the teacher had forced Janus to let Carlton sit next to him before Virgil or Roman arrived. He wasn’t sure if he agreed with her statement, but he wasn’t going to argue with the result. Virgil shot Carlton a reassuring smile, he’d make sure Janus would behave himself. There was no need for any fallout to affect him.

The teacher left and both he and Roman turned back around in their seats. “Sorry about that.” Virgil had no clue what possessed Roman to say that, but he was not having it. “I should be apologizing. He’s my friend and he was bothering you.” Possibly not for the first time. Why had Roman never mentioned it? “Yeah, but I did something to piss him off… Don’t know what, but he hates me. And if you were my best friend and some dude I hated was being all charming with you, I wouldn’t like it either.” Virgil laughed in relief. He was glad Roman seemed to understand what had Janus so worked up. And while he’d love to protest the ‘he hates me’ bit, he couldn’t. So he focused on getting back to teasing each other and enjoying themselves. “Charming huh? You certainly have a high opinion of yourself.” His jab had the desired effect. All conflict and worry left Roman’s face and he returned to his dramatic self. “Oh, my knight, why must you hurt me so?” Virgil laughed and allowed himself to enjoy the way being called his knight made his heart flutter. “Thanks… I needed that. J isn’t so bad, but he can be…” Virgil bit his lip, unsure what to say. “Yeah, not your fault,” Roman assured him before perking up. “Hey, why don’t you two come sit with us over lunch? Maybe if he feels included, he’ll calm down?” he suggested. Virgil’s eyes widened. That would actually be kind of amazing! Half of Janus’ thing was that he thought they were on the ‘outcast’ side of school hierarchy. If they both got into the ‘cool’ group then he could relax and go back to being the Janus Virgil would gladly do anything for. “You sure?” he asked hopefully. “Of course. My friends all think you are cool and they’ll think Janus is cool too, once he gives them a chance.” Virgil really wanted to accept, but a voice in the back of his head pointed out that this was too good to be true. What if Janus was right and he was unknowingly walking them both in a trap where Janus would end up feeling hurt and betrayed and never want to talk to Virgil again, leaving him with a choice between being all alone or following Roman around like a lovesick puppy for the rest of high school? Another, more rational voice pointed out that Roman had never exhibited any behavior that suggested he’d do that. That voice sounded a lot like his dad, and his dad usually made more sense than the bad voice. Still, why would Roman offer to put up with Janus? “You don’t like him. How do you know they will?” “I don’t like how he talks to me,” Roman admitted. Well, that was only fair. Virgil wasn’t very fond of the way Janus talked to people in general the past year either. “But he’s your friend, so how bad can he be?” His endorsement was that valuable? And had Roman mentioned that his other cool friends thought Virgil was cool too? When did that happen? Maybe, maybe sophomore year could be a new start. “Okay, I’ll suggest it.”

He should’ve known better. “Absolutely not!” Janus had huffed. “Jan, it’s just lunch. If it’s not fun then we can bail on them any time. You are the one who’s so obsessed with our spot on the social ladder. What do we have to lose?” Janus rolled his eyes. “I don’t expect you to understand this Virgil. But the offer wasn’t for us. Roman wants something from you. And he’ll have his friends be nice to me around you to get it.” “I know I’m not exactly mister sunshine, but that’s overly dramatic and pessimistic. Roman is cool. Like genuinely. And if you gave him a chance…” “Oh please Virgil! You are not this naïve! Why do you want his friendship so badly that you blind yourself like this? He can have anything from anyone he wants! Why would he want to be around some awkward outcasts? Except to make himself look good? What end does that serve? Everything anyone ever does serves some selfish end Virgil. Even the most noble of deeds are ultimately out of desire to be seen as good.” “Except for you of course, you only have my best interest at heart!?” Virgil pointed out. Janus hesitated and then he leaned in, too close for Virgil’s comfort, and he spoke in that tone. “You are my only friend Virgil. Of course I want to protect you, even from yourself. Don’t let Roman’s flowery words and cute pet names get to you.” Virgil tried not to flinch. Did Janus know? No, he couldn’t know. Still, Virgil had to remember that he could hear everything he and Roman said to each other. “I give him a week before he gets bored of you. And I don’t want to see you hurt by that.” And Virgil believed him. So he followed Janus to an empty table in the cafeteria. He saw Roman perk up, smile and wave when he spotted them. And he wanted so badly to just turn to him and go sit with Roman, Janus could either join or eat alone if that made him happy. But he didn’t. He smiled apologetically and shrugged, indicating he tried. The way Roman’s face fell in disappointment made his heart break just a little. He was mad at himself for being so weak. The rest of the day he sulked, not talking to Janus at all, not that his friend seemed to care. He apparently was of the opinion that Virgil would come around soon enough. Virgil wasn’t so sure. The sadness and anger he felt about the whole thing didn’t seem to go away like it usually did.

And then there was the talk with his father. “Home!” he called out as he tossed his keys over the hook at the door. “Kitchen!” his dad called back sounding tense. Virgil took a deep breath and joined his father at the kitchen table, gratefully accepting the cup of tea. “Virgil, I want you to know that you are not in trouble. I am not mad or upset with you in any way. Alright?” Clearly he wasn’t as good at hiding his nerves as he’d hoped. He nodded. “Last night… Was that the first time you went through something like that?” Virgil looked down. He knew he had to be honest with his dad right now… But it wasn’t an easy thing to admit. “No… Sometimes I just think too much and I worry and then I freak out and… It always passes, but it’s…” He feels tears spring up in his eyes. He feels so stupid. Who freaks out over some stupid thoughts? Not his dad. He’s rational and calm and in control. “Frightening I’m sure.” Virgil looked up in surprise at his father’s understanding tone. “Virgil,” he began as he pushed a piece of paper and a pen towards him. “I have a list for you, I’d like you to read over it and indicate next to each item how often you experience them on a monthly basis. It’s important to me that you are honest. I have a suspicion of what may be causing this, but I get that talking about it might be hard for you. Therefor I provided you with this as a way to boil it down to simple facts. Can you do this for me?” Virgil nodded and accepted the paper and pen. He started reading and writing. He tried not to think too much about how bad it was that there were so many things he experienced at least once a week if not several times a day. When he finished, he almost didn’t want to return it to his dad. Would he be disappointed? “It’s alright Virgil. I know I’m not always, good, at expressing my emotions, but I do love you. More than I expected to when I first agreed to take care of you. Nothing could prepare me for how much I love you and how proud I am to call you my son. Whatever you wrote down, won’t change that.” Virgil took in a deep breath and shoved the paper forward. There it was gone. Silence lingered for a moment as his father read the paper and nodded to himself. “I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this on your own Virgil. Can I ask for how long?” Virgil frowned and thought about that. “Um… start of last school year? I didn’t notice it was bad until shortly after Christmas though. I was in the park and started freaking out. After that I was more aware of it I guess,” he explained. His father simply nodded. “Why did you feel like you couldn’t tell me this?” he asked worriedly. Because the first time I freaked out it was because I thought you might be a former super villain and I didn’t know how to even begin explaining that. “I… I wanted to… but then I started freaking out about freaking you out and…” he forced himself to take a slow breath and a sip of his tea. “I just figured I could deal.” Logan nodded thoughtfully. “Virgil, I think you might suffer from heightened levels of anxiety. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. I would like for you to talk to someone about it though. If only to help you figure out a way to handle these attacks and the thoughts that come with this better so it doesn’t have to interfere too much with your life. Does that sound agreeable?” “A shrink?” Virgil asked nervously. His dad nodded. “I know there is a stigma against it… But my psychiatrist has helped me a great deal with your mother’s death. I hope he, or one of his colleagues can help you with your anxiety.” This came as a surprise. “You… you went to therapy?” He always seemed to be so in control of his life though. “Still do from time to time,” his dad nods simply. Virgil thinks about it for a moment. Well, it couldn’t hurt to see what whoever this doctor was had to say right? If he has his dad’s approval… “Okay… just… can this stay between you and me?” he pleaded. He wasn’t sure how Janus would respond to him having anxiety. Knowing him he’d probably become even more protective and he didn’t need that in his life. His dad nodded in understanding. “If that makes you more comfortable.” “Thanks,” Virgil smiled. Then he finished his tea and excused himself to make homework. His dad got him a first appointment for the start of October.

Things didn’t change much for him in that time honestly. Roman grabbed every opportunity to talk to Virgil and tried to coax him into conversation. And he would love to just throw caution to the wind and enjoy the hour they shared as well as the stolen moments where they ‘ran into each other’ or where they defended the same kid. But, he just couldn’t do it. The doctor was a unique individual. Virgil wasn’t sure how well they’d get along at first. “Now, Virgil, I can call you Virgil right?” Picani asked kindly. He was nice, but also… extra. Even Roman might think he was a bit too intense. “Sure,” he mumbled in response, toeing of his shoes and curling up in a ball on the couch. He didn’t miss the fact that Picani took note of that. “Well, I’ve heard why your father thinks you should be here, but what I’d like to know, Virgil, is why you want to be here. Are you just looking for some medication, some breathing techniques or are there some things you actually want to talk about?” Virgil looked at the doctor long and hard to see what his angle was. He couldn’t find one. And it was a good question. What was he doing here if there was so much he couldn’t share? He shrugged. “Not sure… I know my dad wants to help. But…” Picani made a dismissive gesture. “Your father isn’t my patient right now. You should only come here if it’s something you want. Your dad will just have to learn from Jazz Fenton’s example,” Picani smirked. Virgil chuckled. “Well, he’s a lot like her, he just might.” “Oh?” Picani’s eyes lit up. Virgil didn’t know this but it wasn’t often that his patients saw the show he was referencing and indulged in the analogy. “You know, not as serious as he likes to believe he is. Well-meaning and levelheaded most of the time… supportive of his loved ones… but he could maybe be a bit more accepting and patient I guess.” “I was indeed getting at the patient part. Jazz did a great job waiting for her brother to be ready to ask her for help and offered him aid from the sidelines. Protecting him from their parents’ antics in the process.” “But she still thought she knew better than him and while she accepted his powers she didn’t get him until they actually sat down and talked,” Virgil countered. Picani cocked his head curiously. “I mean… I’m bi, and my dad is very accepting of that. And he tries to encourage me when I do art, even if he doesn’t really get it. But… I feel like he expects me to tell him everything, but he’s hiding so much… this is between you and me right?” He was pretty sure that was a rule, but he preferred to check. “Until you give me the ok, your secrets are locked up in here,” the doctor tapped his head and then his notebook, “Safer than in a secret vault.” Virgil smirked. “Figured you’d be a potterhead too. Huffelpuf I assume?”Picani nodded proudly. “But we’re getting of track. You were saying?” Virgil sighed once more. “Right. You probably know that I’m adopted?” he verified. “That was in your paperwork, but I wasn’t going to bring it up unprompted,” the doctor acknowledged calmly. “Well… I’ve come to terms with that, really, I’m not ashamed or anything. But I know nothing about my birth parents. I ask about them, and Lo… dad,” he hates it, but sometimes his father’s surname slips into his mind, especially when he thinks about his birthparents. Never in front of him, but still, he finds himself thinking it more and more often. And he feel really bad about it. “You can address him however you’re comfortable Virgil. I won’t say a word.” Virgil nodded. “Logan won’t tell me anything. I don’t have any pictures or their names and I know he knew them. I want to understand that it’s hard for him for whatever reason. But I want to know where I come from.” Picani nodded calmly. “And this secrecy… could that be what brings out some of the anxiety you’ve been experiencing?” Virgil nodded. “It’s not the only thing though,” he admitted and before he knew it, he told Picani all about how things had changed between him and Janus and the feelings he was developing for Roman who was completely out of his league. Picani was understanding and careful about how he addressed the Janus situation. He did encourage him to accept Roman’s attempts to reach out to him.

Virgil agreed to make another appointment with the doctor and he really wanted to make an effort with Roman. But he was much too scared of being rejected when Roman inevitably found out he had a crush on him. Picani wasn’t frustrated with him when he admitted he’d chickened out, much to Virgil’s relief. Instead they talked about how the coping tools he’d recommended were working out and then they talked about the fun things he’d experienced that year. “Hold on, you described yourself and Janus as outcasts. But you just said that Roman, the main character of your year, as you described it, thinks you,” he pointed at Virgil with his pen, “are cool. I normally advice against this, but maybe you should pay more attention to the rumor mill in school Virgil, and see if Janus’ view of you two might be different from that of everyone else.”

It was an interesting thought. And Virgil did just that. Over the next week he eavesdropped on conversations where he heard his name drop. And what he heard, boosted his confidence to say the least. People called him brave, and attractive, smart and mysterious. They were hyping each other up to ask him out. Some were questioning why he was wasting his time with someone as ‘sketchy’ as Janus. “Doesn’t he know what that guy is like?” “Wouldn’t surprise me. That snake seems like the type to strangle a kitten with one hand while offering Anker some chocolate with the other.” He didn’t really like that bit. But the rest was pretty good.

Then there was his meeting with Patton Bonnaire. He’d left his third appointment with Dr Picani and decided to catch a ride home with his dad, considering he would be done soon. He was working on his mysterious ‘project’ over the weekend. The university wasn’t far from Picani’s office. Virgil told the receptionist who he was and sat down to mess around a bit on his phone while he waited. “Hello?” Virgil looked up to find a man his father’s age looking at him with a curious smile. He was dressed funny. Light blue cardigan and a grey sweater tied around his neck. Like some sitcom version of a suburban gay dad character. He looked very nice though. Wide bespectacled blue eyes and freckles all over his cheeks. “Um… hi,” Virgil greeted as he got up and offered his hand. “Virgil Anker, I’m waiting for my dad,” he explained. Seeing a random teen at the university on a Saturday afternoon would be rather surprising. “Oh my goodness! You are Logie’s son!” Logie? Virgil felt a smile fight to break free. This was going to be good. “Um… Logan Anker is my dad yeah… he told you about me?” he asked politely. “Oh, you’re the only way anyone can get him to talk about anything other than work. I know all about you, but I still don’t know what kind of cookies to bake for his birthday,” the man pouted. No, that’s not fair! Virgil didn’t know how to deal with disappointed faces like that! Well, considering his dad had told this man all about him already, it was probably fine to tell him this little thing about Logan. “Anything with Crofters Jam and you are his hero,” Virgil divulged, with a mildly devilish smirk, imagining the look on his father’s face when he suddenly received treats with his favorite guilty pleasure. How the man pulled it off, Virgil didn’t know, but he could swear the man’s eyes sparkled. He grabbed his hand in both of his and started jumping up and down excitedly. “Oh kiddo! Thank you so much! My name’s Patton! I teach moral philosophy. I love your cool jacket, and you did your make-up so well!” Then he lifted his sweater sleeve to reveal a heart shaped emblem on the cuff. The heart wore glasses and brandished the pan colors. Patton winked indicating he picked up on Virgil’s color scheme. Virgil smiled. “Thanks, I made it myself,” he informed him. “Wow! Such a talented kid! No wonder your dad is so proud of you!” Patton gasped in awe. Virgil blushed. “I’m alright,” he said dismissively, not very used to that type of praise from an adult. Patton reminded him a little of Roman. “Now, don’t say it like that. The design is good and you’ve sown it so well! Did you teach yourself?” Virgil nodded. “Well that’s amazing. I’m not surprised though. Whit a dad as clever as Logie.” Virgil is so going to tease his dad with that nickname. And maybe set these two up. At least if he isn’t the mysterious ‘project’. Was this dad’s way to hide that he’s trying to date? Patton was clearly interested. Ew… why does he even have to think about this? Scratch that. He knows why, he’s the only wingman his dad has. Technically there is uncle Thomas, his dad’s old college friend, but last time he’d tried to set Logan up, they’d ended up not talking for a month for some reason. As far as Virgil knew he hadn’t dated anyone since he adopted Virgil. The man needed to get out of his office. “For how long have you known my dad?” he asked curiously. “Oh we both started here around the same time. He won’t admit it, but I think I’ve… Crofted my way into his heart.” Virgil, not used to dad jokes, couldn’t help a chuckle. “Oh, you are so precious! Can I keep you?” Patton pleaded, only half joking if Virgil read him right. “Ask my dad out and maybe I’ll end up calling you papton.” That was terrible but Patton seemed to love it anyway. Then the rest of the sentence seemed to register and he blushed. “Um, wait no. I mean…” he sighed and chuckled awkwardly. “I’m that obvious?” “Only a neon sign with ‘date me Dr. Anker’ would be more obvious. And in my dad’s case, you might need that. He’s a bit dense when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t think he’d notice if you had his all pitter Patton.” This gets him another bout of laughter. “You shouldn’t sell your old man short though kiddo,” Patton manages a few moments later. “He was a tad stiff in the beginning. But recently he’s quite lit, I believe the word is?” Virgil froze when he saw Patton dig through his messenger bag and retrieve copies of familiar cards. “He let you copy his flashcards?” he asked in surprise. “Oh, yes. I walked in one day to borrow a marker and heard him say ‘cobi’? He was tossing something in the trash and the class applauded. So I asked his secret and he showed me his cards. I asked if I could borrow them and…” Patton couldn’t finish his story because Virgil had lost the battle with his composure. He was laughing. Tears streaming down his face and clutching his stomach, barely keeping upright. “He actually said… god, I didn’t expect…” he wheezed.

“Virgil!” At the sound of his dad’s distressed voice he looked up and struggled to signal that it was alright. “Virgil if you can hear me squeeze my hand.” Oh no, dad thinks I’m having an attack. “Fine, fine,” he managed as he squeezed the hand that held his. “Just, can’t… Oh my god, hilarious,” he wheezed. “Virgil, are you having an attack?” He shook his head impatiently and tried the breathing exercise Picani recommended. It worked, surprisingly. Pretty soon he whipped at his eyes though he would have to wash his face in the restroom unless he wanted to look like a horror movie monster. He looked up at the two men in front of him. Patton was absolutely smitten. Seeing his dad in protective parent mode clearly didn’t turn him away. Quite the opposite. “You are using the vocab cards,” he explained. “Of course they were a gift from you, why wouldn’t I use them at any opportunity?” Patton clasped his hands in front of his mouth to stifle a squeal. Virgil rolled his eyes. “Yes, because you were complaining about not understanding some of the things your students were saying. I didn’t expect you to actually start yeeting your trash.” And then his dad readjusted his glasses, looked him dead in the eye and said: “Yeet is for distance. For trash I need accuracy, therefore the term used is ‘cobi’.” Virgil lost it again. His dad just… Gods he can’t wait to tell Roman… Wait, since when was Roman the first person he thought about to tell stuff like this. They weren’t even really talking right now. But telling Janus felt… when was the last time he and J had a proper conversation? Before summer? Yeah some time before art week. These thoughts brought down his mood enough to get him to stop laughing. Picani might not be entirely wrong to suggest that the friendship was in serious danger of becoming toxic. Though he didn’t use the label, Virgil could read between the lines. “Anyway, great meeting you Patton. It’s good to know dad has someone so nice looking out for him.” Then he turned to his dad. “You should invite him over for dinner some time. He’s a lot of fun.” Patton’s face became beet red, but more importantly his dad was getting flushed as well. “Well, you two talk about that, I’m going to wash my face,” he stated as he marched away, feeling rather good about himself. He always felt better about everything after a visit to doctor Picani. In the morning doubts and worries would return in full force. But right now, he was feeling good. When he returned he saw his dad standing alone, staring off in the distance. “Dad?”

“Dr. Bonnaire asked me on a date,” Logan breathed. “I think you can call him by his first name if that’s the case,” Virgil grinned. “I… I suppose…” His dad was in shock… wow. “You did say yes right?” Virgil clarified. “I… yes, I don’t know what came over me… I’ve never…” “Wait… you’ve never been on a date?” God the man who had the talk with him had never been on a date. “Not like this!” Logan exclaimed with a wild gesture, surprising Virgil. If he raised his voice this has to really be bothering him. “Last time, I was an arrogant college student who felt like he had to answer to no one but himself. Now, I am a single father, going out with a coworker. This is an adult outing. I can’t just…” Virgil smiled sympathetically and patted his father on the shoulder. “You really like this guy huh?” Logan sighed and nodded with a blush. “He’s so patient and friendly and… I just never thought he could ever…” “Now stop it right there. Me turning out like a somewhat stable person, proofs you are awesome. And you just showed him all the reasons why he should date you while taking care of me. You’re welcome by the way. Patton is cool. He’s already met your kid and passed the test. The scariest bit is over.” Suddenly his dad turned towards him and grabbed his shoulders. “You’re really fine with me going out with him? With me possibly entering a romantic relationship?” Virgil shrugged. “I mean, I’m not a fan of the change, but I want you to be happy. And if Patton is your pick… I wouldn’t have suggested he come over for dinner if I didn’t like him.” Virgil rolled his eyes, but the gesture lost some edge when his father hugged him. “I am fortunate to have you as a son.” Virgil shoved him away, blushing awkwardly. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever Logie,” he huffed getting a flustered stammering as a reward. “Let’s go home,” he suggested with a smirk before heading to the parking lot. The date was planned for the next weekend, after Halloween. And for Virgil it was a Halloween to remember.

He really wanted to go all out, Halloween was his favorite day of the year. But he didn’t want to ruin his costume or get Janus on his case. So, for school, he went with the bare minimum vampire costume, leaving his more elaborate creation for the trick or treaters to enjoy. He was texting his dad, who was still nervous about his date, and waiting for class to start when his day went from okay to awesome. “Greetings peasants!” the booming voice sounded warm and teasing and drew all eyes to the dark prince who’d just entered. Roman stalked trough he class, ‘scaring’ everyone with grand gestures with his arms and even drawing a fake sword threateningly. Making promises of never ending suffering upon the land. Virgil texted his dad that he’d talk to him later and to focus on his classes for now. Eventually Roman pulled back his chair and climbed on it, planting one of his feet firmly on their desk and raising his sword to the sky. “I! Prince Roman of the damned marshes declare war on all that is good and pure!” he bellowed. Virgil leaned back and enjoyed his front row seat. “And you,” he held out a hand to Virgil as if offering to pull him to stand at his side. “my coldhearted friend, may rule at my side!” he announced dramatically. Virgil felt a rush of adrenaline. Roman had effectively pulled him into his improvisation and Virgil didn’t feel like backing out of this challenge. Even if it involved having all eyes on him. “Is that a fact?” he chuckled amused, but otherwise uninterested. He had to be in character after all. And he didn’t look like a vampire bent on world domination. “Of course!” Roman’s delight at his participation settled warmly in his stomach. “You, dear count, are the only other of noble lineage! No one else is worthy of a throne!” Virgil did his best ‘whiny teen’ voice for his reply. “But ruling sounds like a lot of work.” To his surprise this got him a round of laughter, the good kind. People found him funny. “Then you may feast on my enemies!” Roman offered, not missing a beat. Now they were talking. But just then class started. Roman sat down next to him and shot him a hesitant smile when their eyes met while they got their books ready. Virgil felt kind of bad. Roman must’ve been wondering what he did wrong to go from ‘almost friends’ to ‘barely get two words that are not about class’. He returned the smile warmly, making sure that he knew that he was back. Janus criticized the whole endeavor of course, but Virgil didn’t really care anymore. “Roman and I are lab partners, and we’re going to talk. And sometimes we’re going to have fun doing so. You have zero right to tell me who I can and can’t spend time with. I’m not your pet.” That shut Janus up. Perhaps he finally realized that he was acting the way he’d always said Roman would if Virgil gave him the time of day.

Virgil sat alone during Spanish, Janus had an exemption for his language elective because he was already proven fluent in both offered languages. Virgil had no clue what Jan did with the free hour, and he didn’t really care. “Hey, Virgil?” Virgil looked up and saw that some guy from Roman’s usual group had paused at his desk. He was dressed like a crazy professor. “Hi?” he greeted, not sure what had brought this on. The other boy grinned and offered his hand. “I’m André. I’m friends with…” suddenly he chuckled to himself and changed his posture and voice to fit his character more. “I mean I am a humble servant to Prince Roman. I have heard you have allied yourself with him for the day?” he inquired. Virgil chuckled. “Depending on how it goes the alliance might last past midnight,” he allowed. Then, as if on cue, the doubt started to creep in. “You have a problem with that?” he asked slightly challenging. “No my liege, never!” André assured him. “We have all been eager to meet you. A friend of the prince, after all, is already family to us.” It was exaggerated, but the sentiment was clear. He wasn’t seen as a threat, in fact he was already considered part of the group even if he never hung out with them. Before Virgil could really say anything the class started. André joined him on their way to the cafeteria and asked about how he did his hair and where he got his hoodie. He was halfway asking for a commissioned jacket when they entered the cafeteria and Virgil was pulled towards a table in the middle by an excited Roman. “At last there you are. It’s time to introduce these cryptids to their new rulers!” Virgil looked up at Roman who gave him a questioning look. He could decline, return to his little bubble of anonymity and pretend this never happened. But… Maybe, hiding away all his life wasn’t how he wanted to live it? So, why not? No hiding today. Or not unless he really had to. “With pleasure Princey,” he grinned, feeling satisfaction in being the cause of Roman’s delight once more. He did that. It was worth whatever Jan threw at him later.

They spent about ten minutes on improv and Roman managed to make Virgil forget about the audience completely. And when he, regretfully, left Roman to sit with Janus he could hear the whispers. But no one was laughing at him. There were so many looks of awe and admiration, it couldn’t not give him a little ego boost. “Talk about putting yourself on blast! What were you thinking?” Janus seethed. “Yolo,” Virgil shrugged, grinning as he imagined his dad saying it. “No one says that anymore,” Janus reprimanded. “It’s what I was thinking,” Virgil shrugged. Already planning his next act of defiance. He felt kind of bad taking advantage of his dad’s first date nerves and his worry for him, but if this was his teen rebel phase then there were worse things he could be doing while his dad was out of the house. “Are you sure…” “Yes! Just have a nice time. Text when you arrive at the restaurant and when you leave. I don’t have school tomorrow so don’t hurry home,” Virgil assured his dad. “Pat, steal his phone if he checks it even once during dinner,” he then instructed his dad’s date. “I will,” Patton winked. “Good, you crazy kids have fun and don’t do anything you wouldn’t want me to do,” he grinned teasingly. “Virgil!” his father chastised. “Love you too!” he shouted as he shut the door in his father’s face. Then he rushed upstairs and took out the vampire cape he’d worn for the trick or treaters this year. He then put on a black long sleeved shirt, black jeans and black converses and a cheap black zoro mask. He wasn’t planning on being seen tonight but if he was, he’d rather not be recognizable… and maybe the cape was more for dramatic flair. Roman’s antics had been kind of fun and he wanted to try it out for himself. No one was going to see it anyway. And if he liked it he might make himself a proper costume for future outings. He walked through some sketchy streets until he found what looked like a gang waiting for a victim. They didn’t see him thanks to his cloak and he hid himself in the shadows not too far from them. He took a deep breath and willed them to forget about their surroundings and instead focus on each other. It was easy when people were either not the sharpest mind or not really paying attention. He’d only gotten past his dad that one time because he’d moved in absolute silence. And that trick had taken a lot of energy. His peers in the hallways were easy because most weren’t even watching where they were going let alone trying to see where he was. This was a large group, but they were kind of preoccupied with their conversation and not very smart. So it was easy making them ignore the hand full of lost people that passed them by in a hurry that night. A buzzing in his pocket caught his attention. He checked who it was. Janus. That could wait. He wondered what other ways he could use his cloak for the greater good. Another buzz in his pocket. He checked. His dad. “Paying now, home in ten minutes.” That was his cue to go home. He’d only seen three would be victims, but those were three people who got home safe to their families and might not have otherwise. That was something. He knew that to him, one person coming home or not was everything. So feeling satisfied with his first attempt at true heroism he moved through the streets and hurried home. He just managed to hide his mask and hang away his cloak before he heard the front door. He threw on his headphones and put on some music while he sat himself on his bed. Hoping he’d look like he’d been distracting himself with music. Maybe it would be better if he wore more casual street clothes next time. There was a knock on the door and he pulled off his headphones. “Come in!” he called. His dad poked his head inside and let out a sigh of relief when he found him on the bed, not having a panic attack. “You should be asleep,” he pointed out gently. “I wanted to make sure I could tell you good night. How was it?” The soft look on his father’s face said it all. “I will brief you in the morning. Now you should get adequate rest. Sleep deprivation is detrimental to both your physical health and creativity.” Virgil thought it was kind of funny how his dad had started to use his artistic ambitions as motivation to take care of himself lately. “Okay, night dad,” he muttered in surrender as he got up to get ready for bed. “Night Virgil… I love you.” Virgil smiled. Dad was never one for saying the words. But ever since the start of this year he seemed to be making an effort to change that. It was nice. Virgil had always known, but hearing it meant more than he’d expected it would. “Love you too dad,” he told him, once more feeling a little guilty about sneaking out, and for planning on doing more of these dangerous things. But he was sick and tired of playing it safe all the time. He had the ability to protect others. He should use it for more than just some bullies. Science class was a lot more fun now that he and Roman were talking. It wasn’t very personal. They just exchanged witty banter and complained about school stuff. If he confided in Roman, Janus would hear and he didn’t want to upset him even more. Turns out Janus would absolutely bully others. Or well… Pick fights with classmates over little inconveniences. Luckily Roman wasn’t afraid of him like everyone else seemed to be. He even kept it somewhat civil, just staring him down until Janus backed off. Virgil wasn’t as patient. He didn’t like fighting in public like this, but he was just so done with this BS. Every confrontation made him wonder if this friendship was still good for either of them. But just because he was considering doing it didn’t mean he was ready to hear others outright say it. The rumors were one thing. People theorized on why Virgil was still friends with Janus now that he clearly showed his ‘true colors’ to him. All involved Janus being some sort of villainous mastermind and Virgil the tragic hero trying to save everyone at the cost of his own freedom, safety, or whatever. They were ridiculous, but he could deal. What hit him hard was when Roman voiced his concerns. Janus had been goading a senior into a fight, which was beyond weird. Janus knew that he couldn’t take him on. He always stayed far away from the arbitrary lines high school hierarchy drew between different years. Virgil wasn’t alone in breaking up the fight. Roman was talking the senior down while Virgil got Janus to follow him to their next class. The principle heard about the almost fight though and Janus was called out of class halfway through. Roman approached Virgil when they crossed paths on their way to their next classes. Still no Janus in sight. “Are you alright?” he asked worriedly. Virgil nodded as he collected his things from his locker, unsure what to say to Roman on this unfamiliar topic. This felt much more vulnerable than their usual chats. “Listen… I’m probably way out of line, but I don’t think I can handle seeing him use you like this any longer…” he started and Virgil, while he knew that Roman was absolutely right and that he probably should take the help he was offering, switched to survival mode. He didn’t want Roman of all people to see what a mess he really was. So he snapped. “You are right. You are way out of line. You don’t have the full picture and you have as much right to tell me what to do with who as Janus. So back off!” he growled before storming off. He regretted every word before he was even around the corner. That night he worked for hours on an apology. The next day he slipped Roman the note. It basically said that he appreciated the worry, but that he had it handled. Along with an apology for being a rude idiot. Roman tucked the note away and gave him a thumbs up to show it was okay. His dad’s date with Patton went well. Not a day went by where Virgil didn’t hear at least one thing about Patton, good or bad. Apparently his father could get a little frustrated with Patton’s humor and his excitement could be overwhelming at times. But even with all that the man made his dad happy with his warm and understanding nature. They’d only had one fight Virgil knew of, and that was resolved quickly. It was good to see his father be excited . It also made Virgil feel bad to realize he’d been so unhappy all this time because of… “Your father’s choices and issues are his to handle Virgil. It’s not fair of you to put the responsibility of his happiness on you.” Virgil looked up and sat back upright in the couch, folding his legs underneath him and studying his nails. He’d gotten a new galaxy polish the day before. He briefly wondered if Roman would notice. He always seemed to see it when Virgil changed something about himself. He forced himself to return his attention to the conversation at hand. Picani probably had a point. Still… “He’s known Patton for years, and I’m pretty sure they’ve both been interested in each other for a long time… if not for me…” “If not for you he might not have taken the job at the university in the first place. It’s like in The Prince of Egypt. When Mozes found himself in the nomad’s camp he felt unworthy of their kindness. But the priest told him that it wasn’t a single man’s place to judge the worth of his life. You’d have to take a step back and oversee all the people you’ve met and the effects you’ve had on their lives and how that ripples throughout the world around them.” “Wow, a movie. Out of cartoon references?” Virgil teased, choosing to table the doctor’s point to think about later. “I like to broaden my repertoire from time to time,” Picani admitted. “So… Have you told your prince yet?” he queries letting go of the subject in favor of another tough discussion. “I… We are barely friends. I don’t want to push him away like that.” He expected Picani to draw a comparison to Kim Possible or something. But the doctor could surprise him sometimes. “Could it be that your father had similar reasons not to pursue a romantic connection until now? Out of fear of upsetting a status quo he felt comfortable with?” Virgil frowned as he considered that. Maybe, maybe he had a point. His dad was one for schedules and predictability. A new addition to their family dynamic would shake that up. So, maybe his dad had needed a shove in the right direction. Should he… No Roman is straight. Nothing good is going to come from this. “You mentioned that he said he hadn’t expected to care so much for you. Sometimes you don’t know what you want or need until it falls into your lap. Your father didn’t know he wanted a son until he had one. And similarly he might not have known he needed a partner until you shoved him and Dr. Bonnaire together.” That…Well he had a point there, maybe. He also made Virgil feel so relaxed at times that he wanted to open up about his gift, even if just a little. Just mention that sometimes weird things happened. But he wasn’t sure if being gifted was one of those ‘if you might put yourself or others in danger’ exceptions to doctor patient confidentiality. Being a hero in the shadow’s had downsides though. He wasn’t authorized to make arrests. He didn’t have any kind of professional protection or equipment, and the police didn’t know who he is and to let him do his thing. Virgil had decided how he wanted to change the city though. He would listen in on conversations, record them without risk of being caught. And if those recordings ended up with the police and that lead to actual arrests... well that was almost as good then wasn’t it? He had plans for more daring escapades later. When he got better at healing and hiding. Baby steps. But that rule couldn’t apply to everything. After almost two years of dancing around Janus’ jealousy and his own wishes to make some other friends, the straw that broke the camel’s back came in a startling realization that brought everything crashing down. “Sociology would be a good choice.” Virgil hummed absentmindedly as he chewed on his sandwich and looked over the offered elective classes. The past two years he hadn’t been sure what to take and joined Janus in whatever he picked. But after a full year of hearing Roman encouraging his art, he’d spent a few Friday afternoons in the studio. He’d been surprised at how accommodating and understanding the other artists were. They saw him work with his headphones on and left him alone. No one looked at his art if he didn’t want them to and they didn’t care if he looked at theirs when they displayed it. They even asked him his opinions on their pieces. And rumors about his ‘talent’ had joined the whispers in the hallway he listened in on every now and then. “I was thinking to take an art elective,” he told Janus. “Why?” The question surprised Virgil. “Because I’d like to actually learn some techniques? I dunno. They say to pick something that fits our interests. I’m interested in art,” he explained a little annoyed. “But we can’t do anything with that in college,” Janus pointed out with a roll of his eyes. “I suppose it’s a decent extracurricular,” he allowed before going off in a rant: “though something with sports will be better. College’s eat that stuff up…” Janus kept talking but Virgil didn’t really listen anymore. He just realized something. Jan never stopped talking about decisions he made as if they were for the both of them. Even now he talked as if Virgil would even consider joining the football or debate team with him. Virgil who hated public speaking and would have a panic attack at the thought of football practice alone and all the injuries that could happen. “But… I really want to do art. The new teacher is a pretty awesome artist I’ve been kind of following for a while. This might be my only chance to learn from him,” Virgil pointed out. He really hoped that Jan had just not realized he was talking as if Virgil would follow him wherever he went. “Don’t be dramatic V. It’s not like you can make a career out of drawings.” Virgil thought back to every time Roman had praised him and said he had potential. Wasn’t that how friends were supposed to act? His dad, who had the job of keeping his feet on the ground was more supportive of his interest in art than Janus was being. “It makes me happy,” he muttered feeling hurt and rejected in a weird way. “A career isn’t about what makes you happy, it’s about what gets you ahead in life.” And the tone made it clear that Janus wasn’t going to talk about the subject any more. That was fine with Virgil. He too, had made a decision. The next appointment he sat himself on the edge of the couch and looked at Picani with an intense determination. “I’m ready.”

A hard won victory.

Masterpost

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#sanders sides #ts sides #virgil sanders #roman sanders #prinxiety #logan sanders #patton sanders #janus sanders #hero au #Long chapter #sorry #tw #food mention #mention of panix attacks #janus makes bad choices

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