#but I think a lot of people misunderstand the whole learning that emotion is okay sometimes from tmp as retroactively justifying that

[fluentisonus]

while we're talking about it though that's something really fundamental to spock's character I think in a way I don't always see discussed, that by joining starfleet he's making the explicit and intentional choice that he'd rather be seen as a perfect example of an alien amongst humans than as an imperfect vulcan amongst vulcans. I see this framed a lot as him being more accepted in starfleet than he was on vulcan, and I really don't think that's the case at all: he's still very attached to vulcan, and we see all the prejudice he has to face and how little he's understood in starfleet. but what it comes down to is that he'd rather exist in a place where no one understands him and so he has nothing to prove -- even if that means being very alone -- than in a place where he's surrounded by the familiar & meaningful but everyone can see the ways he can't quite fit. if that makes sense

#obviously in the end he's not alone bc he has them all but that was never a guarantee or even something he could have hoped when he joined #thoughts #star trek #tos #I don't like how the vulcans are treated in a lot of discussions around spock imo. there's a weird angle everyone seems to have that he's #better off with humanity & with humans that I think is simply not true #like I'm not trying to deny that he had it rough there or say that they were always kind to him but this impression of them all as rigid & #xenophobic is a bit. eh #part of the reason he feels like he can't be on vulcan is because he was raised w vulcan culture & traditions -- which he stil follows! bc #they mean a lot to him -- and he feels like he can only do that all properly away from vulcan #which obvs isn't really a great solution either #but I think a lot of people misunderstand the whole learning that emotion is okay sometimes from tmp as retroactively justifying that #humans were right about emotionals & vulcans were wrong. which is like the opposite of the point. the point is that he can have both #& they don't have to mutually exclude one another and he can be a good vulcan while also being comfortable with being half human #he wouldn't be happy being human either. #and there's nothing inherently harmful about vulcan beliefs he just had to come to an understanding of them that made sense to him #& that worked for him rather than forcing himself into a misunderstanding of them that didn't suit him #anyways.

[hillbillyoracle]

"Feel Your Feelings" Might Be Bad Advice

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is the advice to "feel your feelings."

When I was in my BSW program, one of the things I consistently got flagged for was not having enough warm regard (which, fair hit) and not validating feelings enough. Which was odd because when I wrote out my transcripts of those sessions I see I'd done it multiple times using almost exact scripts from our lessons. But when I looked at people who weren't getting that feedback - they were validating almost every other line.

Which felt and still does feel insane to me personally.

An aspect I think gets overlooked when people give that advice, when programs train folks up in that advice, is that "feel your feelings" was radical for its time and place. The dominant culture of the first part of the last century was one of deep repression.

I personally question whether it's always the right advice in today's culture, where individual validation is dosed to us several times a day by technology companies largely in one valley. So much cultural discourse revolves about validation and who's valid and who's not. The places we spend large swathes of time are hyper optimized to produce and reward explosive emotion. And did you ever even have the emotion if it didn't make it online?

"Feel your feelings" was so helpful precisely because it went against the prevailing cultural climate. What if the advice we need today is "put your feelings to the side"?

"But Marz!" you say, aghast, "That's horrible to tell some to bottle their feelings up!"

I mean I'm not advocating for that either. I think there's just a fundamental misunderstanding of how feelings work that's been reinforced by our narratives of therapy and how our social platforms are structured. It creates the dichotomy of "let it all out" or "bottle it up".

Phenomenological discussion of feelings first, then the helpful metaphor.

Something that you can wind up learning through consistent and appropriate kinds of meditation is that what you consider "you" is actually based on two fundamental factors - perception and recollection. But when you observe them both in action at the same time, you see it's never possible for them to be totally in sync. It's impossible to perfectly recollect the moment that you're presently perceiving. There's always this slight gap. A skip.

You perceive a feeling arise it and then you recollect it. If you perceive an emotion but never recollect it, it does not arise to the level of sense of self. If you don't perceive a feeling, you can't recollect it and the same is true.

What you'll note is that I don't say that the feeling stops existing, just that if either part is missing, you cannot experience that emotion. They're not one in the same.

The misconception I see all the time is that if I turn my perception and recollection to something other than this feeling - then it doesn't exist. I've ended the feeling. Which means people either think they've dealt with the feeling by not perceiving it or that people are loath to stop perceiving it for fear that will equal repression.

To both groups I think it's important to hear that that feeling is a real thing that persists without your input. Emotions are an aspect of the mind - not of your consciousness. Which might be too in the weeds to get into here but just know you are not your feeling and you not perceiving that feeling does not mean the death of you in any way that matters.

Okay the metaphor.

A program starts up on your computer. You get a little window that pops up. This really isn't the time for it so you minimize it so you can come back to it later. But what's this? You left it for a while and the program shut all the way down - no more window. Then other times you leave the window for weeks only to find it's been there in the background the whole time.

That's a feeling.

You can choose to minimize it and come back to it later. By minimizing, I mean focusing your perception and recollection on something other than that emotion. That process isn't as easy as it is on a computer but with practice it can get much easier to accomplish than you might think.

Sometimes you'll come back later and the emotion is gone. Sometimes you'll come back years later and the emotion is still there. That's just how a brain do.

So why minimize it? For the same reason you would a window of a program - it's not useful to you right now, it's getting in the way, you're not a place where it's socially appropriate to explore that program - I mean really take your pick. It is a useful skill.

The mistake older generations made was that minimizing the window meant they'd closed it and it chewed up memory and overworked hardware in the background over time. The mistake I'm seeing today is people trying to run all the programs on the highest settings thinking anything less than that is to lose some fundamental aspect of the program on hardware that was not built for that usage.

Most ways to properly x out of that window usually requires some space and time to process what's in that window. Being able to minimize that so you can do that in a way that honors that feeling and doesn't crash your system is pretty key.

How do you x out of the window? There's lots of ways honestly. You sit and observe the feeling, noticing how it changes in intensity and sensation until it's no longer perceptible even with effort. You can see what an emotion has to say, what it believes, and decide what of that you want to listen to and take on. For intensely negative emotions, they're delusion is always in the mix so finding that root delusion and dispelling it often leads to the intensity lessening at the very least.

I just wonder if that kind of advice isn't more radical in a world where delayed gratification is getting rarer and rarer, where our ability to self validate gets atrophied by constant exposure to external metrics.

Put your feelings to the side and process them when and where you can do that better.

Neither constant repression or constant validation will ever lead to emotional resilience. All that's good is in the grey.

Anyways, I hope this is helpful or gives you something interesting to think about. I'm mostly just hope that by writing this it won't be ping ponging around my brain as much lol.

#feelings #mental health #self help

[nozunhinged]

After this post here

I got a lot of (interesting, insightful and lovely, thank you so much peeps <3) responses, I really need to make this post and get my general opinion about fanservice off my chest :D

First of all two disclaimers:

1. I learned that the perception of fanservice is deeply personal and everyone sees it in a different light and I totally get that, so please bear in mind that my opinions about it are solely based on the industrial/corporate interest-side of things. Because that is what irks me the most about this.

2. I have known about this for only a few months now so I probably still lack some knowledge so take it with a grain of salt :)

Lets goooo!

I totally get all the points that were made under my original post, but the thing is: nobody can tell me that fanservice isn't intentionally misleading. That the blurred line between reality and imagination isn't exactly the goal.

And by that I mean from the companies side, not the actors. It's an intentional, promotional strategy to use the levels of how comfortable people are with each other and that doesn't sit right with me. I never saw this form of promotion from any other genre before.

If we all knew it was fake, it wouldn't be as successful as it is. And just because it's successful, it doesn't mean it's great.

IMHO it should not need personal boundaries, the understanding and learning by fans that it's "all just performance" because there is no clear communication made by the production companies. They want us to misunderstand, to invest time and emotions in all of this and I just hate that.

Or maybe I'm not knowledgeable enough about the industry but is there an official "fanservice guideline" where the companies talk about how the whole process works? Or is it just rumours about how it goes?

I think it's already hard enough to learn to draw the line between reality and fiction with every other form of media we consume and I find pushing the limits like that incredibly invasive. And by invasive I mean for the actors mainly. If fanservice and branded pairs weren't a thing, we wouldn't have so many issues about fans not knowing boundaries and nobody can convince me otherwise. I see much, much more responsibility from the companies side.

I don't know probably I'm just too in my head about this, but I absolutely hate people getting exploited and doing stuff they don't want to do, there's already enough issues with consent and harassment in media production and I just hope all the actors are happy that's it.

ANYWAYS! If you enjoy it, if you like it, whatever your view on fanservice is, that is totally fine and okay! I just hate rich people profiting off of passionate, hardworking people just to get richer <3

With that being said 🤡

#I still love billybabe tho :D #thai bl

[deceptivemorals]

Is there a line Klaus or another family member could cross that would cause Elijah to walk away from them for good?

@malka-lisitsa || accepting ♥

send me questions you have about my character!

destroying their family. destroying their family / killing family members (apart from their parents – not rip) is something that elijah is not capable of forgiving. my elijah learned in the 1950s that klaus had dumped their incapacitated siblings into the ocean. it was no misunderstanding because it's what klaus told him himself. this led to elijah distancing himself from klaus entirely and serving his own interests only, namely klaus' destruction in recompense for his lost family. he didn't only walk away from klaus, he even plotted his death. and elijah would have followed through with his plan if klaus hadn’t saved himself with the truth at the last second.

it's also the reason why he has such issues with finn. i think finn/elijah never had such a great relationship solely because finn couldn't really love(?), like (?) his younger brother as he was still mourning the loss of freya. they didn't have a good connection although they tolerated each other. but at the point where finn decides to side with esther to plot their demise, take away their vampirism, etc., elijah loathes finn and does not consider him family. elijah did forgive him after he realized that he too did him injustice by letting him be daggered for 900 years without even attempting to free him.

forgetting him after he ☠. it's not in my canon but the way elijah's legacy was treated in legacies still annoys me. that man sacrificed his own happiness for his family over and over again, chose to ☠ himself although it wasn't even necessary, and then he gets that disrespect from his own family? his undoubtfully hand-tailored suits went to marcel who doesn't even wear suits that often (so can he really appreciate these suits?). his ashes weren't collected like they did with klaus'. the credit for holding their family together didn't go to elijah but to klaus who literally tried to sabotage their family multiple times. it was always just klaus klaus klaus (which i understand from hopes point of view) but no one ever really mourned elijah on that show. so yes, if he magically came back and figured out they had forgotten him in favor of klaus, he would definitely not make his return known.

killing the people he loves aka his partners. okay, that is a difficult topic because elijah isn't entirely consistent about it.

elijah loves very rarely so when he does, this person means a lot to him, and losing that person (not because of separation but because of death) tears him apart internally.

i think if any of his siblings aside from klaus were involved in one of his partner's deaths, he would completely go no contact. i think depending on who it was, he would also make sure they suffer immensely for their deed.

i think he is going to forgive rebekah eventually although that surely will take a few decades if not more than a century.

if it was klaus … well, he is the person elijah is not consistent about. klaus killed his partners in horrible ways. he drowned celeste, he made gia burn alive, he threatened to kill katerina in a horrible way, etc.

there's this canon quote: "i will consider it (forgiving you). when hayley forgives you, gia rises from the dead, and hell has frozen over." - the originals 3x03

i don't necessarily think he forgives klaus for these terrible deeds and he certainly doesn't forget. elijah is, however, capable of suppressing certain emotions and memories (the whole red door thing). when it comes to klaus, elijah is often driven by guilt which is why he isn't capable of going entirely no contact for a long time.

#malka lisitsa #⚜ perhaps i'm not making myself clear here. this is a headcanon ▬ headcanon #⚜ hello there ▬ answered

[1tarot1with1k1o]

okay so i wanted to give some personal insight about the situation with your friend because i know how it feels to try and tell someone something personal like that especially about spirituality and just feel anxious about how they'll react. so honestly this wasn't something you had to explicitly say "hey this is is important to me so hear me out" but if you did i feel like perhaps her reaction would've been a bit more serious. now obviously you can't control her reaction but i do think hers was rude especially bc it was important to you and made you so anxious. it makes sense that you're upset by this and i don't blame you. she could've been more considerate with her response. imo you have two choices to make: you can either try contacting her and telling her how her reaction made you feel bc this might cause you to harbor some resentment towards her if you don't say anything or you can just choose to let it go and not really speak to her as much anymore. i would recommend the first option because you know she's a pretty close minded person so that reaction to your spiritual experience was probably not going to be pleasant (that's why i don't bother telling people my experience who are not already spiritual) so explaining to her why it's important to you and how she made you feel would be a better route. i hope this helps 🤍

First of all, thank you so so much for taking the time to sincerely understand my personal concerns. It means a lot. And thank you for the delicate yet diplomatic way in which you wrote this message. I’m sorry that you’re familiar with this kind of feeling. It shouldn’t be the case <3 I want to say that not knowing the full context of the story, I would completely agree with you!! Because misunderstandings and mistakes can indeed happen sometimes, and that’s okay. We’re all different, we can change and grow, and we can never learn enough, especially about each other. It’s nothing that a heart to heart talk can’t fix.

However, I didn’t include the whole dialogue, or talk about our friendship as a whole. In this case, I approached the topic very carefully before telling her the whole story. I was clearly being hesitant. In the past, I already told her about the things that matter to me, yet she never put too much effort in trying to meet my needs (they aren’t high standards. I promise you).

She would constantly talk about herself (some days, we’d stay out from morning until the evening, and she would be the only one talking. She would literally talk for 12-13 hours uninterrupted. Which I didn’t complain about because I’m a listener, and I didn’t mind her sharing her frustrations with me. I was totally fine with it. But it made me notice how she wouldn’t ask about me).

She’s very quick to judge, and has little to no emotional intelligence. She’s very book smart. But she also lacks street knowledge or common sense. Like one of those people who make you wonder how they managed to survive for so long.

These characteristics weren’t a big enough issue to be a huge obstacle to me. But they were small hints I picked up along the way, that started weighing enough to make me want to reflect on the nature and on the direction of our friendship, from time to time.

I had been considering of having a serious talk with her, and either solve things or end them once and for all. But it was hard to infiltrate between her talks about herself and the talks about how others constantly bother her so much.

I decided that this “confession” (which I hate to call like this, because whenever we talk about spiritual connections with other people who aren’t spiritual, it seems like we’re committing a crime or some sort of unspeakable thing that we should be ashamed of), was going to be my last flip of the coin. Based on how she would respond, I’d see if she was someone I wanted to meet halfway with, and continue the friendship, or if she was going to be a person that I had to leave in the past. You can guess which side the coin landed on.

She knows super well what my main and only standards are for people, and yet she doesn’t care one bit. She lives as herself and for herself. She has her own very complicated life issues, of course, which surely impacted, and still impact her greatly, but it’s not an excuse to not want to do and be better. If anything that should be an encouragement. Coming from someone who had her fair share of struggles in life.

This was just like the cherry on top. Problems were rooted much deeper, but I always had this hope inside that she would actually turn out to be better than what I expected of her. I hoped to be the bad guy, and to have always just misunderstood or underestimated her. But this interaction was like a slap on my face from a huge stop sign that I smashed into, which I always hoped to be imaginary. I can control myself and my actions, so if I would have turned out to be the asshole, then I would have sincerely apologized to her and made effort to become a valuable person and friend.

But I can’t control other people, so I wouldn’t be able to change her, especially since she doesn’t want to change. The best choice will be to let her go and hope she will find her path one day. There’s no saving this boat. I tried to put all of my efforts into the friendship, all the while she was peacefully doing nothing. For this one time, I’ll choose myself. I will always genuinely wish for her to have a great future ahead. I won’t resent or hate her, she didn’t do anything worth of me resenting her. She simply helped me realize how wrong we were for one another all along, and how useless my efforts were.

It was a good lesson! I learnt a lot because of this friendship. Now it’s time to close that book and start writing a much better one.

I clearly had more things to say than I thought I would haha. Thank you for giving me the chance to share my thoughts, and for being gentle with me.

Thank you for reading all of this!! Take care of yourself <3

#klo #personal talks #about me

[starry-skies-116]

Okay, I’ve seen quite a few comics depicting Michael as gay, or coming out as gay to his parents or siblings: that’s all well and good, I can already imagine Elizabeth going shamelessly that she likes both boys and girls and she doesn’t give a single flying shit about what society thinks of that.

But imagine Evan as a separate side story/side quest trying to navigate his aroace identity. Most of the mature ‘adult’ media in the 80s depicted a hell of a lot of amatonormative and heteronormative things and scenarios, so gay, lesbian and bi/pan-sexual people didn’t even get representation, let alone apecs not even existing in the eyes of others. And for the longest time, in a society filled with amatonormativity and allonormativity, Evan feels like there’s something wrong with him. Like, he experiences a hell of a lot of emotional love towards his family and the few friends he has, but even in fifth grade he has people that try to prank him by fake ‘asking-him-out’, and the only reason he’s hurt is because I thought I was going to go out for dinner and eat some good food and have a nice conversation for once and get this person to at least respect me or hold me in fond regard and I might’ve learned how to actually socialize BUT NO I CAN’T HAVE ANY NICE THINGS IN THIS WORLD.

And his family confused over why he was ‘rejected’ because there actually was no romantic subplot to that prank but in reality he just really wanted to try the spicy shrimp pasta and see if the other person adored seafood and just good food in general like he did.

So there he is, lost in thoughts all alone, everyone teasing him about his future and how he was never going to get his ‘future girlfriend’ and how he hasn’t developed any crushes yet. And the select few that did develop crushes on him were ones he politely turned down, and everyone around him was appalled: even more so at the fact that he literally just took the jam cookie bouquet that someone brought him and ate the whole damn thing on his own in one sitting.

Dude even ate a whole pound of belgium chocolate that one girl gifted him and still turned her down the best he could.

He even went as far as to fake crushes to ‘fit-in’- he even faked a crush on Cassidy, who thought it was genuine until he worked up the courage one day to clear up the misunderstanding to his friend: their friendship became closer after that by quite a large margin.

So there Evan is again, one day, finally confessing to his parents about his strange behavior despite not having his ‘oh’ moment yet, telling his parents that he doesn’t want to get married, that he wishes to define his life and his definition of love and happiness and fulfillment and purpose for himself. There he is, cringing and suffering at the overtly cheesy Valentine’s Day Fredbear & Friends episode being displayed on screen because the part of his brain that was supposed to generate romantic and sexual love and hormones was essentially removed and replaced with a corny pun and joke generator at birth. He actively makes a gagging motion and excuses himself…

And the whole family shares glances with each other, not quite having an ‘oh’ moment, but still.

Oh.

#Michael Afton #Evan Afton (CC/BV) #Elizabeth Afton #William Afton #Eleanor (Mrs.) Afton #crying child fnaf #crying child #Afton family #lgbtq+ #gay #queer #aromantic #asexual #lgbtq+ headcanons #ace #aro #asexual aromantic #aroace #AroAce Evan #this boy is confused #help him lol <3

[demonicintegrity]

Hey I dunno a thing about Will Wood, but I saw your post about the whole situation w/ him from a blog I follow, and I just want to say thank you for describing what happened as neutrally as you could while still affirming that it is very, very screwed up, on both sides. You never see that on tumblr, or anywhere on the internet nowadays, and it is a BREATH of fresh air.

Hey no problem! I made the post specifically to help people learn the context and form their own conclusion via me guiding through my thought process. This situation just started and I’m sure it’ll develop and i and other will adjust accordingly, but I already saw misunderstanding and bad faith takes and I wanted to try and curb that now as opposed to later.

And you’re right, it is a problem these days. I think a lot of it is because we’ve conflated “having a strong emotional response” to be the just and moral course of action when things happen. Absolutely have sympathy for people, especially victims of toxic situations, but you are not doing them justice if you don’t fully examine what you can. Nothing is clearly conveyed in one quick glance. You need a full understanding to make the proper response suited to that situation.

Unfortunately there is a large mob mentality on the internet. That combined with the absolute force from both people and algorithms to be as reactionary as possible as soon as possible, makes it so a lot of people can’t comfortably say “I don’t feel comfortable from a concrete conclusion from what i know right now.” It is always okay to say you don’t know or you don’t want to get involved. You do more harm taking a stand without being able to say why you take that stand, then without taking one at all.

I can take a stand and say “this was an unhealthy relationship” because I looked at that thread and came to that conclusion and I have confidence in my critical thinking skills.

I also have the integrity to say “I cannot make a claim on this because I do not feel qualified and/or in the know about it.” Like with the rumors that the photos were doctored or there’s impersonation. Or also say “I cannot in good conscious label what kind of unhealthy relationship it was because I’m missing a lot from it.”

At the end of the day, you can be objective and sympathetic. You can give both people grace. And you can and absolutely should acknowledge that your perspective on the situation is limited and that is a key influence on the conclusions you’re coming to.

#thanks for the kind ask! i know things are upsetting but it’s great to acknowledge what is appriecated during upsetting situations #ask #crossover-enthusiast

[katierosefun]

hhhh i just saw some people talking about vampire AU x jwds and i thought about vamp ds and monster-hunter jw. Now, i only thought about a scene and some vibes: jw is severely hurt on a mission, it was a risky mission that turned out to be worse than the headquarter had predicted, it should've required definitely more than 1 person but he, as in canon, desperately wanted to prove himself especially to his father, he's impulsive/ ruled by emotions, he doesn't have people around, trust issues daddy issues and whatnot- so he barged in anyway. Ds idk felt that there was a conflict going around nearby and went to check. He found jw passed out on the verge of death and on a whim he decided to either kill the remaining monsters or repel them and save this young man. he may have heard of him/ tried to gather infos in order to not meet this pro hunter because he truly did want to mind his own business and live quietly. Anyway the only chance jw had was to be turned, he woke up and discovered the whole situation and going through a Lot emotionally wise. We've got conflict between the 2 and misunderstanding, ds just takes all the blame and decides that it's better this way, he keeps silent about what happened and choose to be hated instead, until jw learns the truth and feels so bad about accusing ds when he saved him. OH! it occurred to me just now this quote from The Untamed (it has me in a chokehold tbh) that would fit this concept so well "if I die at your hands, it would be worth it for me. you know me, so I trust you to lay judgment on me. and I will accept your verdict with no resentment or ill-feeling" i want to scream.

i wrote to you because you generally enjoy these things🍃

OHO . . . . anon this is such a delicious concept and i am obsessed with this and you had to throw in a good, healthy dose of misunderstanding followed by insane guilt that's so . . . inherent in han joo won's character, so thank you for that because as much as i want han joo won to be happy, something about how he treats his own guilt is so . . . ! ! ! it makes me want to eat glass it makes me want to chew through metal you are so right for this

also . . . i have yet to watch the untamed, but that line is very metal and okay okay okay okay dong sik saving joo won and sudden image of joo won showing up to dong sik one night after having discovered the entire truth . . . . . . . . . . .. . . but also, a little before then, joo won holding a stake (? or idk if that's too old-fashioned, if maybe he'd go with something else, but there's something weirdly personal and therefore lovely about a stake) to dong sik's chest and dong sik just daring him to do it but also maybe a small part of him really does think that it would be easier this way (better death than have to reckon with this beautiful hunter-turned-vampire's sheer hatred for him for the rest of eternity) . . . ;aksdf [sdkld

this is a very delicious idea, anon, thank you for sharing it with me!

#anon #answered #i'm usually not interested in supernatural-y au stuff #but something about jwds just makes it 10 times sexier and cooler in concept

[flowergrownbeyondthestone]

Sometimes I just wish that I had a “normal” brain. That I didn’t get stuck on some little things and didn’t struggle with completely losing it just because I had a long day and I’m too tired and overwhelmed to regulate my emotions. Okay, maybe it’s exaggeration to call it “completely losing it”, but still.

Yesterday’s guitar lesson ended up being an absolute mess again. I just couldn’t stop myself from crying and once again I’m stuck wondering whether this even makes sense. I just really feel like my teacher doesn’t get me at all sometimes. He explains some things in a way that makes me feel stupid and then when I try to say what I struggle with he also doesn’t get it. Of course I know that a big part of it is my fear of making mistakes and wanting to seek perfect at everything I do, but it definitely doesn’t help that he seems to actually get frustrated at me when things like this happen. Then he says that he wants to do whatever he can to make this process easier for me, but I just don’t really feel fully comfortable and it makes me think that I just need to shut a big part of my brain and simply not question it or say anything when something doesn’t make sense in my head. I am not even fully certain what the root of this issue is, maybe my autistic brain just interprets and perceives some things so differently that I have a hard time understanding and relating in some situations. Maybe some of the struggles I have are difficult to relate to and understand and he can’t comprehend it. Maybe I’m bad at communicating. I don’t know.

Of course I knew that this would be challenging for me to deal with and that was also a big reason behind wanting to start these lessons, but now I feel that other than the occasional trigger I just don’t get a lot out of it. I don’t know if I should keep pushing more or if this simply isn’t a suitable environment for me to learn in an optimal way. I kinda feel like even if I didn’t get triggered in these moments there still would be this kind of wall caused by the feeling of misunderstanding.

This specific situation aside, it has really brought up the hurt inner child in me, because the only thing that I could think about while he was trying to comfort me and say that we get worse at allowing ourselves to make mistakes and have fun as we get older was the fact that I feel so damaged by my parents’ treatment. I didn’t just get worse at letting myself make mistakes, I was literally not allowed to make them. My body and brain still freeze in fear sometimes, just because all of this is so deeply rooted in me. I cried my eyes out for a long while after the whole situation yesterday and afterwards pretty much cried myself to sleep too. Just because I get so angry and upset thinking about my family and all the shit that was always labeled “not a big deal”. All of this got that much more painful when I realized how familiar this pain and anger feel, because that’s also the part of me that would act out towards other people in my life when I was triggered by something that touched on the old wounds. Even with more control and stability now I just get so sad thinking about this and recognizing it. I’m grateful to be where I am but a part of me feels bitter and vengeful because of how I’ve been treated and how much effort I need to be putting now to get on the other side of it.

[naejigo]

Starting a "journal" here just because.

Entry 1, Dec 6 2022

Nae here reporting,

Nobody will probably see this but that's okay cause I'm doing this for me.

A lot of things happened the last week or two. It overwhelmed me a lot. It started off because of my own ignorance, which hurt a lot of people. I like to think that I tried. I just can't find anything that can help me understand, I think?? Because I use autocorrect always, so when I'm reading English I don't actually know how these words connect but if it makes sense, then it makes sense.

This time it doesn't. Because clinical things kinda always come with overly formal words, big words and weird ways where words make sense, well not to me, English is not my first language and idk how I even got this good, whenever people irl ask me how do I get so good at English I honestly don't know what to say because how I learned it is just so... Weirdly my way. It just clicks. Idk. Uhhhh getting off track here, anyway, one thing leads to another and honestly, I think I made it worse without realizing it. Because I was so emotional. I was so emotional... And I just exploded and that, caused a huge misunderstanding and that overwhelmed me so much that I deleted all of my social media.

But somehow that kinda benefits me, because I decided then that maybe it's time to get help.

So yesterday I booked an appointment for a clinical assessment and paid for it in full (and in secret because my parents would disown me if I as much as mention mental illness to them /srs) anddddd it's now confirmed for next week, and then after that I'll attend the actual assessment session/sessions, which I'm going to have to pay separately.

Idk what's wrong with me exactly but I know something is wrong and that something definitely connects to my upbringing and "what's normal" for me, who is 19 and only form of social connection is EXCLUSIVELY my family in real life. So like, trauma.

My family is openly ableist, homophobic and racist. And I've always been sheltered growing up. I got denied multiple times by my mom to attend therapy, so like, I think I've just been living... In fear. And that fear overwhelmed my entire existence so much that I can't even learn about things like, I'm queer but I always found myself asking other queer people about...well, about queer stuff. I don't... I don't google because google just... I can't process google because the way google explain is not the same as people who are actually queer if that makes sense?? Like... Google isn't literal?? Idek how to explain this, I'm sorry.

The thing is that... I believe my actions weren't on purpose. Because I genuinely feel like I don't understand and I'm incapable of understanding without like verbal communication or something, like active communication? Does that make sense? I hope so because it makes sense to me. I'm not used to being in a queer space or neurodivergent space despite being both because um, I'm kind of a bit of a boomer tbh when it comes to internet so like yeah... Yea. Uh and the only actual social interactions I've ever had in my 19 years of living are exclusively with my family members, THAT becomes what is normal to ME. So when I come online and start interacting with fandoms (started doing so at age 18, I was not in fandom spaces before that age, yeah I know it's kinda lame 🥹) it's like a whole bomb exploding in my face.

Things online are very different from what I know in real life which is inherently full of hatred and negativity towards things I identify as and all that. So I think.... I think I've always just needed help.

I'm getting that help now, and I really hope I can figure it out soon because idk what else to do since I'm currently staying away from social media and my family is definitely not an option to ask for help or even understanding from. So I'm going to have to just... Rely on therapy fully. And maybe myself. Idk.

I really need you to know that this is just, I'm writing this for me, I'm trying to regulate my emotions and formulate my thoughts, this is all very messy, and I probably words some things badly but I'm really incapable of properly writing shits down right now. Idk. If you read all of these well uh hello and welcome to my journal I guess, I'm recording my daily thoughts here from now on. I heard it could help, plus this account is pretty much dead and collecting dust now so.

#vent post #ranting #journal

[sirenjones]

Erleichda!

Dec. 10 2018

One month ago I lost my town, my home, and my most treasured belongings to the California Camp Fire.

For those of you that haven’t heard, it was the most devastating wildfire in California history. It swallowed up a town, and surrounding areas, of nearly forty thousand people in less than a day.

We lost everything– pictures, antiques, keepsakes. I lost all of my art, and boxes full of cards and letters and memories. My blessing box, filled with notes of love and prayers for me, written by friends and family just shortly after I had been born. They wished for me things like happiness, love, good health and friendship, and clarity. I took great comfort in unfolding the notes and reading them over during times of sorrow, or unsteadiness. I lost also the large hand-knitted doll that sat upon my bed, the last thing my grandmother had gifted me before her death.

My brother lost his most prized possession, a race car he had built from scratch. My father, the house he had lived in for nearly fifty years.

It’s a lot to swallow. It’s a lot to take in and process, and every time I tell someone “I’m okay” I wonder if they really believe me or not. The truth is, though, that I do actually *feel* okay. I feel like this awful, awful thing is going to bring about a whole new life for me, and anyone else that chooses. All we have to do is embrace it, and move on.

This is the part of the narrative where my thoughts turn… unusual. Back in May, I got a tattoo on my hand of the word “erleichda!” which means, lighten up! It isn’t a real word. It was invented by author Tom Robbins in his book Jitterbug Perfume. The story is about a man and a woman who walk the earth for a thousand years together after learning the secrets to immortality. Along their travels, they also discover the “secret” to life itself, and death. Which is, you guessed it, erleichda.

From here, you can take it any number of ways. Lighten up your mood– stop taking things so seriously. Lighten up your soul– forgive others and give freely. Lighten up your load– take only the necessities. No matter how you look at it though, it really all means the same thing. Free yourself of unnecessary attachments. Lighten up!

The word has always struck a chord with me, but this last year specifically, I have been actively trying to incorporate ‘erleichda!’ into my life. I give away items and clothes that haven’t been used in a while. I only buy things if I really need or like them. When I have a negative response or bias opinion to something, I take time to reflect on why I think/feel that way. Is it a valid opinion? Or am I just holding on to some feeling that developed years ago due to hurt or misunderstanding? I rarely hold grudges, or find myself offended. 

I guess my main thought is this: if you ask the universe for something enough times, and I mean really ask, and actively pursue it, then eventually the universe is going to give it to you. So you better be sure as shit that what you’re asking for is what you really want. There is no refund policy when it comes to life lessons.

“Do you know what you wish?

Are you certain what you wish is what you want? "

I wish to be free of unnecessary attachments, to lighten up.

But am I certain that what I wish is the same as what I want?

What do I want?

I want to be happy. I want to feel fulfilled, but will freeing myself of emotional and physical ties really be the key to getting me there? I used to believe that happiness wasn’t really a feeling at all, but just a way, a state of being. Something that you chose to embrace even when everything around you was all fucked up. And maybe that is still true in some sense… Choose and the heart will follow, right? Surround yourself with good, meaningful relationships, choose healthy daily habits and rituals, invoke all the actions and attitudes of a truly happy person and eventually, maybe, the feeling will develop.

I think I am still a long ways away from what I really want, but I do believe, for the first time in a long time, that I am on the right path.

I am allowing myself space, mentally and emotionally, to mourn the loss of my past. Though with each painful memory that arises, I try to remind myself that, although the fire took away many physical tokens of love, it did not take away the love itself.

I can no longer look upon the birthday cards with love written in them, sent to me by my brother, who always teased me, and pushed me away when we were young, but that doesn’t change the fact that I know he was always looking out for me anyway. I can no longer reminisce over old drawings and comics that my best friends and I wrote together. Over time, the specific details of each inside joke will fade away, but I’ll always remember how much we laughed together. And the things that hurt the most… the books, the doll, the paintings, the sweaters… all from my grandmother, my Prama, my most favorite person in the world, they are irreplaceable, and they are gone. But that doesn’t mean that she loved me any less. The things are gone but that doesn’t mean I won’t always remember the lessons she taught me.

And although I can no longer look into my baby blessing box, I know that I have indeed been blessed, and will continue to be, so long as I choose to see it that way. What my mother wanted for me, more than anything, was clarity. And by golly, I’ll be damned if I don’t say I’ve got that pouring out of my ears right about now. 

A month ago, the fire took my home and everything in it. But it did not take my clarity, my love, my relationships, or my joy, no. I guess when you think about it, it really didn’t take anything important at all.

It just lightened me up a bit.

#my writing #writers #journal #diary #introspective #camp fire

[bakugoukatsuki-rising]

Deku vs Kacchan 2

So a new friend of mine I made on tiktok wanted a meta on Deku v Kacchan 2, and of course I obliged because I never get tired of analyzing their relationship. 

Deku v Kacchan 2 was the starting point to a shift in their relationship, because this was when Bakugou came face to face with his inferiority complex, and all of the emotions he had been holding on to came bubbling to the surface, and I would like to preface by saying Deku is the ONLY PERSON Bakugou has EVER shown his weaknesses to without question. 

We don’t ever see him cry or vent to anyone else. Not a single person. He is completely open only in front of Deku.

The first example of this is actually in the start of the manga, when Deku means to tell him about One for All out of fear Bakugou would misunderstand him, and Bakugou makes his first step in becoming better by admitting he recognizes he isn’t as strong as he always thought and that Deku beat him. This is also the first time we see Bakugou cry out of frustration, which is a side of him he only ever shows to Deku.

For reference, this is Chapter 11. 

My boy is just wanting to be the best, ya know? All his life he’s been boosted up for having such a strong quirk, and for always being the best at stuff, and now suddenly he just...isn’t. That would mess with anyone’s head, honestly.  But the one he spills those feelings to, it’s Deku. Not any other person, just Deku. You think if he hated Deku at this point, he would open up about such vulnerable feelings to him? 

I don’t think so.

Then we have the second time he’s vulnerable and recognizing different things about himself and Deku during their fight with All Might, and it is another instance we see him crying. Yes, All Might was there, but those emotions were a direct result of Deku’s words to him about not giving up. 

For reference, these are chapters 62 & 63.

Look at the raw emotion Deku is able to draw out of this kid. You will never be able to convince me he EVER hated Deku. Yes, even when he bullied him in middle school and told him to kill himself, I don’t believe Bakugou hated him. I believe that he misunderstood him and it scared him, and so he lashed out in anger since that was the only real form of emotion he knew how to properly convey. Was it right? Obviously not, but at least we are able to understand more of his thought process at that time. 

So from here, we get into the end of All Might and Deku vs. Kacchan 2. 

From the very start of everything, once Deku was given One for All, Bakugou has been spiraling. He had been struggling and fighting with himself, trying to come to terms with the fact that reality proves he isn’t the strongest or greatest and there is actually a shit ton he’s lacking, so he needs to change to be better. That’s a little difficult though when the person who is a constant reminder of your weaknesses is always around you. 

Then he comes to the conclusion that Deku was given All Might’s power, and that is kind of like an epiphany to him. I think, when Bakugou realized All Might gave Deku OfA, he really came to understand the parts of Deku he hadn’t before. The parts that made him the perfect individual for that power, even if he acted like he didn’t know and said some shit like “I’m weak, too!” when All Might broke up their fight, he doesn’t want OfA. He wants acknowledgment. Because to him, All Might giving OfA to Deku was like saying that he is the strongest, and he deserves that power.

When in reality it’s the opposite. Deku had nothing, he was weak and powerless, and yet immediately willing to protect those around him even if it meant losing his own life, and that’s the true make of a hero. Bakugou recognized that, I believe at least, during Deku vs Kacchan 2. 

For reference, these are from chapters 117 & 118

So he’s venting, obviously. This is his opening to the big bit that we’ll be getting to shortly, but this is important but he’s opening himself up to Deku. I’ll say it again,

DEKU IS THE ONLY PERSON BAKUGOU HAS EVER OPENED UP TO EMOTIONALLY

This always gets me because Bakugou knows. I made a whole separate meta about him recognizing those attributes of Deku’s and recognizing that’s what makes him so powerful in his own right. 

Bakugou completely understands by this point what it is that made All Might choose Deku. He witnessed time and time again how willing Deku was to throw everything away for other people, how his desire to save came before absolutely anything else. He understands that. This is just his denial, and his pride wanting proof. 

Now we’re coming to the big bits, the meat of this entire fight. 

I wanted to talk in between them but honestly, they should speak for themselves. 

“This battle might have been pointless. Win or lose..maybe it didn’t really matter. But at that moment, I knew I had to fight. Because the only person who understood what Kacchan was feeling, was me.” 

Now we have Deku recognizing what this is all about, that Bakugou is opening himself up to him and exposing those weaknesses he’s been struggling with for so long. Guilt, fear, anger, sadness. Bakugou has been holding onto so many things and had nowhere for it to come out until this fight. Remember, right after Kamino and All Might’s end, they went straight back to every day life. Bakugou was forced to train as normal and even take the provisional licensing exam before he was able to get a moment to process everything. 

Now that he had time for it, he decided to come out with his feelings, and obviously they needed to be expressed to Deku. He does this because he knows Deku is going to accept them. If he’s learned anything from his time being a little shit, it was that Deku wasn’t going anywhere, and he would listen to him whether he was screaming in anger or crying in pain. Because Deku was raised to show emotion, he cried and it was okay and he wasn’t shamed or told he was weak. He wasn’t held to some imaginary scale of strength because he...never really had any, not the way strength is perceived in this universe, at least.

But Bakugou did have strength, and so it was pushed onto him since his quirk developed, which led to his horrible combination of an inferiority complex and a superiority complex. It skewed the way he saw the people around him, and he couldn’t understand that someone could have strength even if they lacked a quirk or a way to fight. Deku had strength Bakugou didn’t, the strength to protect and care and love without restraint. It terrified Bakugou, and so he tried to push Deku away because of it. 

But Deku vs. Kacchan 2 put a ton of stuff in perspective for Bakugou. 

For reference this is from chapter 120.

This scene is so beautiful to me. The way it’s implied they make eye contact. The emotion in this scene alone is so powerful, and should immediately tell you their relationship will never be the same; and it wasn’t. 

I feel like a lot of people don’t see a difference because Bakugou is still hot-headed and foul-mouthed, but he is in no way the same kid from before this chapter. Not to Deku, and not to anyone else. Being able to express himself and get all of that frustration out from what built up over almost a years time, it allowed him to begin truly changing himself into a better person. This was his starting point to recognizing that he can’t continue just fighting on his own, and he would eventually have to depend on other’s if he wants to be the best. He would have to open himself up. 

It’s gradual, and subtle, but it’s there. There are instances of it everywhere. From him joining in on OfA’s meetings, to the ways he encourages Deku to keep getting stronger by pushing him, to the JT when he acts with his team to win, all the way to the current chapters. 

Don’t get it twisted though, Bakugou’s development for himself started way before DvK2, but DvK2 is when the real development between Bakugou and Deku started, and these beautiful chapters led us all the way to 284 and 285, which was the most definitive show of development and growth I have ever seen a character make. 

#bnha #mha #bnha meta #bnha analysis #bkdk #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #deku #kacchan #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #bnha manga #mha manga #deku vs kacchan 2 #dvk2 #bakudeku

[hunxi-guilai]

Due to all the racism and imperialistic views westerners have towards Chinese media, do you think westerners should first educate themselves about Chinese culture and history before watching these dramas as to better understand the cultural differences? I have also seen some (rather rare) comments about white people just staying in their lane and not sticking their noses to what isn't made for them to begin with, but I find that a bit extreme (despite kinda being true.)

oh okay, we’re only doing easy questions on this blog now I see

let’s start with the more extreme take, because that’s easier for me to definitively say: no, I don’t think we should gatekeep people from media based on race or place of origin, because look, if we told westerners to keep their hands off of cmedia, then I’d be disqualified from consuming cmedia as well and that seems, well, a bit ironic

personally, I believe that shared media and narrative and storytelling is such a powerful generator of interest, curiosity, empathy, and knowledge, that to deliberately keep people out because they don’t understand the context or background or finer nuance of something will only feed that same ignorance that leads to further misunderstanding and dehumanizing of other cultures and traditions. Gatekeeping generally doesn’t benefit a diversifying audience, and tends to lead to a build-up of resentment and lack of understanding on both sides

and it’s unreasonable to demand that people, like, take an intro course or whatever before consuming media from another culture, because... 1) what would this intro course even look like, 2) that would honestly put a lot of people off who simply aren’t willing to make the effort (or don’t have the time/mental/emotional bandwidth to study up on something when they’re trying to relax), and 3) cmedia and cdramas are often excellent sources to study when you’re trying to learn more about these cultural differences, especially because there are a thousand little details that manifest in character interactions and quirks of dialogue that would never make it into a textbook

and honestly? I don’t think fandom has been that bad--discourse is inevitable, drama is inevitable, but (at least in my corner of fandom) people are willing to listen and learn, and the fact that people are actively asking me about tricky topics means that 1) they’re genuinely interested in learning more/improving themselves, and 2) this is an environment where they feel comfortable enough to do so

the really beautiful thing about media, I think, is the way it inspires people to go above and beyond, whether that’s watching LOTR at a formative age and deciding to get into archery, or stumbling onto a 50-episode show about a plucky necromancer in ahistoric fantasy China and deciding to Duolingo a whole new language. I always want to encourage people who are attempting to genuinely engage with foreign and unfamiliar texts, because we’re all broadening our horizons here, and I think that is both good and joyful work, and if we all keep in mind our own limited knowledge, biased perspectives, and the respect we should have for the source text and source culture, I see no reason why initial ignorance should be a reason to keep people from accessing these texts

that being said, we are running into discourse and racism in this fandom. there are feelings being hurt, deliberately or otherwise. and I can personally testify that it is incredibly exhausting to constantly take on the role of the tour guide, especially because it constantly places me (and many other diaspora/Chinese fans who put themselves out there in these Anglophone fandom spaces) in a position where we are likely to run into microaggressions and misguided takes. and look--I’m glad that people are trying to educate themselves, to make mistakes and learn from them, but being that guide for people takes time, and energy, and emotional labor

all of which is to say: people should be free to consume whatever media they want, but they should be sensitive and respectful of the context and creators, the intended audience and the subjectivity of perspective. especially when you’re consuming media that is based, so definitively and inextricably, in the fabric of another culture, it’s important to remember that you are a guest here, and to conduct yourself accordingly

(alternatively, read this statement on MDZS, diaspora, and cultural exchange, because it continues to be the most eloquent statement on the topic)

#ask and ye shall receive

[aro-culture-is]

Can you be aromantic and really like romance in fiction? I see that a lot of aro people are repulsed by romantic media, but I really love it. I also feel like I might be idealizing the idea of romance. I think I might also be fictoromantic, but I see a lot of alloromantic people using that term and I don’t even know if it is valid anymore 😰

hi!

Can you be aromantic and really like romance in fiction?

yes! you absolutely can be aromantic and really like romance in fiction. no two people are ever going to be perfectly alike, even when they share an identity. I like reading romance between people who I find interesting - I don't like watching romance media, or or petnames though. Other people totally adore petnames and don't care about the characters. We can all be aro. What makes it so taboo for aro folks to still enjoy romance?

i think there's two really big components to this:

people fundamentally misunderstanding a-spec identities. Action does not equal attraction does not equal enjoyment/repulsion. While I suspect online a-spec folks talk about repulsion more due to having an actual space to talk about it, that doesn't mean we all are. Plus - repulsion is an emotion. I personally dislike the idea of using any sort of 'identity' along the favorable/indifferent/averse/repulsed spectra because I keep seeing others, like me, feel excluded for having a complex relationship with romance.

arophobia, internalized or otherwise. when someone is afraid that they aren't valid in an identity, that says to me that you're still afraid of 1) the community or 2) being part of it. and... i think that's perfectly understandable when you're still learning. with time, it will fade, but for the time being? until you're more confident? notice when you feel invalidated. say to yourself "I am feeling invalidated right now. I think that [a post, a conversation, etc] triggered this feeling. What can I do to feel more validated right now?" I would encourage that exact language - don't say "I'm not valid right now" - that reinforces the belief. Feelings are fine, but letting them rule you is different. As far as ways to validate yourself go - unfollow, block, and avoid influences that feel invalidating. Follow, save, and interact more with things that feel validating. Yes, unfollow me if it helps you right now. Yes, filter that fandom tag, yes follow aro blogs, yes read whatever the hell you want. It's okay.

as far as fictoromantic goes, I don't honestly interact with the term a whole lot. I haven't seen alloromantic folks actually use it knowing what it means. regardless, if you want to use it, use it. if you'd rather find/create an aro specific term with that intention, go for it.

i hope this helps,

- mod kee

#not aro culture #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod kee #question #am i aro #fictoromantic

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

It annoys me when people complain about Julian and call him “whiny “. The person that John hurt the most throughout his whole life is his own son! I feel like this gets glossed over because he was more attentive to Sean “At least he was a good father to one of his children”. John failed Julian massively. Having Sean should’ve motivated him to try harder with Julian but I feel like it demotivated him because he realised how much of Julian’s life he missed and that made him feel bad about himself. Even in May’s book she says that John would’ve avoided Julian for the rest of his life to avoid feeling bad about himself & the choices he made with his life. And even when he got his visa he was happy to fly to other countries but not the country containing his son! I mean c’mon that’s very shitty and inexcusable. People can’t relate to John’s callous treatment of Julian so it’s downplayed and undermined by the excuse of “Oh well, John was better with Sean”. I know John appeared more motivated towards the end but doesn’t absolve him of the damage and pain he already caused to his son.

I try to understand John’s neglect of Julian from his perspective - I don’t want to excuse or justify it, but I still want to know what was going through his head to make him treat Julian the way he did - but I just can’t really understand it in the same way I feel like I can empathise with a lot of John’s other flaws. Like I feel like I can understand Johns mistreatment of certain people, or his mood swings, or his anger etc. But when it comes to Julian I struggle to understand him, and I just think its such a shame that Julian never got the closure he deserved with John. But I guess a few things to keep in mind when discussing this are:

1. Alfs abandonment

That Johns father, Alfred, abandoned him at such a young age, this might have affected John in such a way that made connecting with children a real challenge. Of course, he ideally still would’ve made an effort to connect with Julian more - but I guess that this was 1963, and he was someone who at this point had had absolutely no therapy. John’s own father I think was placed in an orphanage around the age of 5, so this neglect and abandonment appeared to be a bit of a cycle within the Lennon family-tree. Alf didn’t develop the neurones to be able to connect with his son the way a father ideally should be able to, and therefore John had trouble forming these connections too.

A real tragic story regarding this disconnect is one that ive heard Paul tell a few times (see this interview at 6:24 to hear him tell it). He essentially compares his ability to just naturally connect with children, to John’s inability to do the same; Paul grew up in a household where children and babies alike were around all the time - and in addition to this, there seemed to have been a lot more affection involved in his early environment compared to Johns. So when Paul was able to pal around at ease with Julian, John asked “How do you do that?” - and its unfortunately just not something you can just learn. I think John did want to be able to relate to Julian, and a part of him wanted to be a real dad - but I guess he just lacked the initiative to do so, as well as not having the needed facilities provided for him to be able to function as ��good” parent (< or in other words, that man needed alottttttttt of therapy omg—)

2. Aunt Mimi’s coldness

I think by now its sort of been established that im not Mimi’s no. 1 fan - I don’t hate her, and I think she genuinely loved John, but ive been pretty critical of what I perceive her parenting style to be like. One aspect of this parenting style is that I think she was cold and deprecating towards John, which I presume took a toll on his relationships in such a way that made him susceptible to cynicism and even bitter contempt towards those he loved most.

“She never hit him: her worst punishment was to ignore him…When she did, he’d plead, ‘Don’t ‘nore me, Mimi!’” - I think that this type of parenting style could have effected the way John relates to Julian, perhaps making him feel it was okay to abandon him, maybe as a result of some unrecognised childhood angst or revenge.

Theres also a story where I think John said something to Julian a long the lines of, “I hate your laugh!”. Like, Jules was just some four year old living his life and then John, his own father, had this massive fucking mood swing. I feel bad for Julian cause my parents were like this (had random fucking mood swings and said some pretty contemptuous things) so I can empathise with him. At the same time though, I feel like I can understand John getting these mood swings (although, I don’t think that showing that kind of contempt towards a child is at all acceptable, and assuming that this sort of thing was a regular occurrence, I would say he was emotionally abusive towards Julian. Maybe John got these mood swings from Mimi (check this post for more on that).

3. Yoko’s influence and isolation

I think we first have to take into account here that John had a history of neglecting and failing Julian, and from what im aware of, he only started making contact with him again during his ‘Lost Weekend’ after being encouraged to do so by May Pang. So I don’t think we can make Yoko take all the blame for Johns neglect of Julian (and certainly not his emotional abuse towards Julian). But I think we have to also account for the fact that Julian has stated Yoko would refuse to put him through when he would ring his dad. And I just don’t know how much John had to do with that - as in, I don’t if John knew Yoko was isolating him to the extent that she did, or if he was unaware that she was rejecting several important and significant figures in his life.

For what its worth, Julia Baird wrote in her memoir of John urging (or really, begging) her to go to Cynthias house and ask Julian to phone him, because he hadn’t been able to get through to Julian, and he was trying to construct a better relationship with him around this time (this was before Sean was born, like you said, he seemed to lose motivation with Julian after Sean was born). I don’t know why Julian wasn’t taking his calls around this time - John seemed to think it had something to do with Cynthia, perhaps it was an autonomous decision made by Julian, perhaps it was entirely just a misunderstanding; I don’t know.

When it comes to Yoko, im conflicted - to some extent, I think John was being manipulated by her, and she was clearly isolating (even abusing) him - but also, he’s a grown man, and so he had to take the initiative for his own life. So I don’t know, but id say she is still partly responsible for spoiling Johns relationship with Julian.

~ ~ ~

At the end of the day, all I can really say is that John was just a classic case of parents needing therapy before they start, y’know, parenting - but it was 1963, and thats just not something most people underwent back then, especially people with more complex and unrecognised traumas, as well as mental illnesses that, whilst prevalent, may not have been so apparent. To clarify that point, I think John could function well-enough in his day to day life to be able to get by, because I don’t think his traits of mental illness tended to disrupt his life to such a degree that he could not function (at least not in 1963, though in later years, id argue more so they did; but even still, I don’t think John tended to struggle with mania or psychosis etc.) But I think he was still dealing with mental illness in a way that wrecked almost all meaningful relationships for him, as well as made feeling love and functioning as an emotionally stable and consistent person, a real hardship and challenge for him. And this inability to feel loved and cared for etc. made being a parent, quite simply, impractical. He needed therapy, and its a shame he died before ever receiving real therapy because it would’ve been interesting to see how John might have come to terms with really acknowledging his failures as a parent, and because Julian might have gotten some real closure with his dad.

All in all, I think Phillip Larkin said it best

#sorry this took a minute #these aren’t all my thoughts on John and Julians relationship btw #i have MANYYY more obviously #but these are just 3 things to consider i guess #asks #anon #discussion #julian #abuse #john lennon #john #johns psyche #alfred lennon #bpd #cynthia lennon #cynthia powell #paul mccartney #julian lennon #complex relationships

[alltheworldsinmyhead]

my predictions for a court of silver flames (and the book 5)

since i’ve just forced myself to re-read acofas, i emerge now with head clear and heart full of utter dismay for feysand bullshit. this novella is pretty good at setting up a ton of hints for the next book, so at least there’s that. here are some of the plot points/character arcs which i think are worth to keep in mind before reading acosf, especially for those who finished reading acowar and acofas a while ago. 

MOR

Mor is going on a journey to the Continent as a Night Court ambassador, possibly with Azriel. I don’t know to which extent this escapade will be described, but it will definitely happen and it will be important for both of them - Mor especially. My personal opinion is that the toxic triangle in which she’s tangled up with Cass and Az will meet its sad end in this book, due to many reasons such as Cassian;s relationship with Nesta, Az’s growing interest in Elain and, hopefully, Mor’s own growth as a person or her new romance. I also think that Mor’s relationship with her father will be a major plotpoint and the Court of Nightmare will play a BIG role either in this book or in the next one. Also-

ERIS

Eris will take the throne from Beron in acosf. I will be shocked if he doesn’t. Possibly the reprecussions of this event  will be discussed in the next book. Also possibly, there may be some kind of coup that will result in killing more than one High Lord (yes, I am thinking about Helion)

ELAIN

I’m sorry, but I literally cannot see it any other way - Elain will deny the mating bond with Lucien. The hints for this are scattered all over acofas. She doesn’t want it and she is not, in any freaking way, interested in him nor she is even interested in being interested. I think she’ll also get some opportunities to show more of her character and, hopefully, Mass will finally let her utilize her powers in some sensible way, but this might be saved for the next book. 

TAMLIN

Lucien warned Feyre they will need Tamlin as an ally ‘before the dust settles’. I am half-tempted to make an assumption that Tam will die in acosf, but it’s not based on any evidence, so it’s just my personal theory. Regardless, I do believe the destruction of the Spring Court will fucking bite half of Feyre’s ass in the following books and Tamlin either redeems himself (whether or not he should redeem himself when he is already in such a pitiful state is another question) or truly become a villian of the series. The one thing acofas hammered in my head is that his story with Feyre is far from over. 

LUCIEN

My fucking heart bleeds for him. My prediction is that he will cut all the ties with the Night Court, if he did not already done it after Feyre was an absolute bitch to him in acofas. I am also like 80% sure that Helion will die and Lucien will inherit the Day Court, thus getting a permanent place to call home, just as he has always wanted (but absolutely not IN A WAY he has wanted). Besides that, I am only praying for Mass to grant him some fucking happiness. i have no doubt that his relationship with Vassa and Jurian will be discussed in more details, if not, I am rioting. 

AZRIEL

There are a couple of issues Azriel will have to deal with in this and the following book:

a) his doomed relationship with Mor,

b) his blooming romance/friendship with Elain, 

c) his Illyrian identity.

I do think acosf will be a begining of some longer journey for him. Based on the snippets, I think we can also expect a lot of interactions between him and Nesta and I am so fucking excited for it that I can barely contain it.

Also, I subscribe to the theory that Az’s mom lives in the misterious Rosehall and that we will meet her soon. 

FEYRE AND RHYSAND

They are basically the same person at this point, let’s be honest.

Rhys will contine to be horny 24/7 and Feyre will continue to focus on small, non-important stuff instead of the actual business of ruling and managing the court, and they will both remain to be terribly self-involved - 

okay, enough of my bitterness.

I HOPE Feyre won’t be pregnant in the next book, but let’s be honest, it will probably happen rather soon, so, there’s that. From the snippet of acosf in acofas, it seems that they will have some disagreement about Nesta and I am all for it. Besides that, I think their personal arcs and journeys are over and I believe that there won’t be too much of them in the next books. Same with Amren - I don’t think she will play a big role, besides being an awesome secondary character. 

NESTA’S and CASSIAN’s arcs seem to be rather obvious, unless Sarah will somehow break our necks with the narrative 180 degrees spin. I think the biggest mistery is whether or not they are truly mates but, regardless of that, they will end acosf as a couple. Personally, I don’t belive Cassian will die in this book. Sarah is pretty allergic to killing her protagonists in a permanent way. Given that he has already suffered two major injuries throughout the series, I am inclined to belive that it’s time for Cassian to give in to fury over injured Nesta. In my book, there are two possible routes for them to get together:

1) a lot of angsty, heart-breaking hate sex slowly transforming into comraderie, friendship and, finally, romance, 

2) no sex, only angsty misunderstandings and sexual frustration strong enough to push them into romantic relationship fairly quickly which then results in more misunderstandings, wrong ideas about each other’s feelings and a whole fucking mess of feelings. 

Nesta and Emerie will, in 1000% meet and become friends as Nesta truly fucking needs her own found-faimily type of friends. She will also discover and develop her powers, learn to manage her emotions and to have healthy relationships with people whom she loves. 

Cassian will have a somehow similar arc as Feyre in acomaf, during which he will realize his own true potential and self-worth. 

Some plotlines I expect to happen:

ILLYRIAN UPRISING

I think it’s rather unavoidable at the point and it will come as a surprise to no one. I also think Devlon may turn out to be an unexpected ally. 

RIFT IN THE INNER CIRCLE

This one is something which I hope for, cause it would make so much sense, but I am quite apprehensive to make any definite statements about it. If Cassian and Nesta are to get together in acosf, I cannot see it happening in a way which will not disrupt the delicate balance of the inner circle given a) Nesta’s relationship with Rhys and b) Cassian’s with Mor. In general, I do believe Cassian;s arc will be about gaining confidence in himself and his own feelings and insticts, which will involve some separation from his friends. Also, the downfall of Az-Mor-Cass simply cannot be executed bloodlessly.

ANCIENT POWERS RISING

Feyre toyed with the very fabric of this universe. It has to have some kind of consequences. At this point, we know Koshei will make an appearance (in regards to Vassa), Bryaxis is still on the loose (and Feyre has still not fullfilled her bargain) AND we got an interesting scene of Mor sensing something evil luring in the forests around her estate in acofas. 

and last but not least-

WE WILL LEARN WHAT WAS IN THE FUCKING BOX

please feel free to add your own predictions and expectations! I’m sure i missed a lot of stuff 

#let me know what you think pls #a court of silver flames #acosf #nessian #acotar #acotar meta #nesta archeron #cassian #feysand #acofas #a court of frost and starlight