#but yeah anyway no longer human sounds rough and very depressing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ashintheairlikesnow · 3 years

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Learn to Fly

CW: Self-loathing, some internalized victim-blaming, references to parental death and grief, VERY vague reference to past noncon once or twice

Note: I made a decision to switch a little of the timeline around, so Laken and Chris’s breakup at this point happens after the original conversations about the Speak Out Arc start happening but before the Olympics themselves. I’m folding this bit into the larger Speak Out Arc.

Follows Time Apart and It Doesn’t Work As Well As You’d Hoped

He curls up on the couch in the coffeeshop, sipping something warm he barely tastes. It might have coffee in it - he feels a little drowsy, and that usually happens when there’s just a little caffeine.

Maybe that’s just because he hasn’t slept since Jake was hurt, not really. And he’s slept even less since... since he and Laken broke up.

Outside, there's unseasonable heavy rain. The clouds are low and heavy, a deep gunmetal gray that blocks out the light and has the streetlights on at 9:30 in the morning. The raindrops seem less to fall than to slam into the ground with terrible violence.

The baristas talk in low voices about how grateful they are for the rain, burying the wildfires outside the city in a deluge the heat can’t overcome. Chris likes the rain, too, if only because it reflects the inside of him, suggests that the world can tell he is a storm within himself and reflects it to him.

He takes another sip.

He hasn’t showered in three days. His hair is dulled with it, like a penny left too long in the dirt. He’s dressed himself like he used to, back before when he was still learning he was a person and not a pet - in one of Jake’s hooded sweatshirts over his compression shirt, so oversized on him it’s nearly a tunic, and a pair of mesh basketball shorts. His knees still look knobby, he thinks.

He can see the ghosts of the bruises there that used to never quite heal before his Sir sent him to his knees and made new ones to lay over them. He can see a couple of scars, some from training when the baton would crack into the backs of his legs and send him dropping like a stone, some from gymnastics, some from just being a kid.

Chris’s eyes lower, to look at his own hands holding his coffee cup. He put star stickers on his nails last night, and a few of them have already peeled off. Those that remain glitter, just a little.

Something about the sight of it - the memory of when he put star stickers on Laken’s cheekbones at a concert until they sparkled under the starlight, laughing, a blur of bright eyes and dark hair - makes his throat nearly close, sends a new rush of tears to burn hot behind his eyes.

He has to close them to hold them back.

“You’ve had a hard time of late, have you, then?”

The voice is a rumble, cracked with decades of cigarettes and too much liquor, but Chris remembers it, anyway. At least, he remembers it now.

He turns to look up at the old man, in his shirt and slacks, a bit bent with age. There’s a merry twinkle in his slightly rheumy eyes, though, that shows that a young man is still there, under an old man’s experiences. There’s a slight smile on his face, warm and welcoming.

Chris swallows, struggling to find the words. They flit away from him, he has to chase them down, but eventually he manages to clear his throat and says, “I, I, um. I know you. You, you, you knew my dad.”

“I did, at that. Worked with him for years.” The old man settles onto the other end of the couch, giving Chris plenty of space, a nice wide berth for safety. “What’s got you looking like a television commercial for depression, hm, Tristan?”

No one calls him that.

Chris feels his heart twist, a little.

By the time they saw the meteor, Tris, it was already too late for anything but a blink or two. When it touched down into land, it was so big the end of it was still in space. Can you imagine anything so big? Can you?

No, Dad.

The earthquakes alone would have been immense thousands of miles away. Imagine, you’re eating leaves, living your life, and you see a shadow - and then in an instant, the world is shaking and you’re breathing glass. How does life go on after that?

I, I, I don’t know, um, um... how how does it?

It just does. That’s what’s amazing, Tris. It just goes on.

“Nothing. I, I, I broke up with my, my partner is all.”

“Hm, that nice young person who comes with you to the shops?” The old man nods, slowly. He’s got his own cup of coffee, plain black, steaming gently into the air-conditioning. Outside, the rain creates a curtain that walls them off from everything else. Chris can’t even see all the way across the street. He can barely see a woman with an umbrella racing from her car into the nail salon place off to the side.

“Yeah, them. I’m, um. It wasn’t anything they they they did.”

It’s something I did.

It’s something I am.

It’s something I’ll never stop being.

“Well, breakups do happen now and again. Usually the one who does the leaving isn’t the one who does the moping about and staring at rain, though.”

“I didn’t want to.” Chris sits back, keeping his coffee cup in one hand. The other drops to his stomach, to tap, soothing his nerves at being so close to a man he knows and doesn’t-know. His memories are there, fuzzy and hazy from being overwritten by fear and pain, but they’re there. He knows this man, Mr. Malley, who would watch him sometimes when his parents went out, or when his father needed to stop by work.

The memories are there, but they still hurt.

His head starts to throb, a pulsing pain behind his temples.

“I didn’t-... I, I love them, I d-didn’t want to.”

“Well, now, that’s a conundrum, isn’t it? Are you moving, then, Tristan?”

It hurts to hear his name, but it hurts in a way that feels good. He was that person, too, before he was Chris. He hums, low under his breath. “No. I, I, I just… you know, um, I’m just. I’m… hard. Difficult. To, to, to, to be with, to, um, to-... there’s a bunch wrong with-... with me.”

“You sound like your dad.” Mr. Malley laughs, a deep chuckle that rumbles more in his chest than out of his throat. “You know that? You sound just like him.”

Chris ignores the pain in his head and he turns, now, to look fully at Mr. Malley, blinking rapidly. “My, my, my dad?”

“Yep. Paul was a good man, and a good dad, but before he was that he was a scared boy with a baby on the way and a plan that might not work.” Mr. Malley sighs. “A scared boy who’d always had it a little rough, trying to make the world work for him when it did nothing but work against him. You were always his spitting image. He’d probably be tickled to see you still are.”

There is a sense, in Chris’s mind, of a blurry man with short red hair, sitting near him but not quite touching him, speaking with animation about how there are dinosaurs that lived closer to human beings than they did to other dinosaurs.

He remembers a man whose eyes sparkled with animated focus when he talked about the world millions of years ago, who loved him by sharing the information he held within his own mind.

He and his dad had understood each other, in ways that no one else did but his mother, and Chris was beginning to see that it had been her determination to know him that had fueled his mother’s actions, her endless support. The same way Jake and Nat were determined, and stubborn, and kept trying even when they got it wrong.

Everyone gets it wrong sometimes, but that doesn’t… that doesn’t mean they aren’t trying.

Maybe he got it wrong.

“He never broke up with your mom, but oh, he thought about it. You know, when he came to work with us, he had a plan. But plans… they have a way of going off the road and into a ditch. He worried he couldn’t make it work, he worried that it would be too hard for Ronnie to be with him and have a child, too.”

Ronnie.

Chris’s throat closes up, and he closes his eyes.

All right, Tris, I got you these so the noise won’t bother you so much. We’re going to have a good day at the parade, okay?

“Her family never liked him, for one. That’s a rough spot to be in, I think.” Mr. Malley is quiet for a moment, sipping his coffee and watching the rain fall. “Ronnie didn’t see it that way, of course. That woman was a freight train and God help anyone who got in the way. My late wife, God rest her soul, helped Ronnie with some things when her own family wouldn’t. She’d come over big as a house, eyes sparkling. You were a kicker, she used to say, kept her up all hours of the night. Just a girl, still, your mom, but she had a steel spine and she wasn’t going to live any life but the one she wanted. But your dad… he worried, that it would be too hard on her.”

“Having, um, having me would?”

“No. Having him. Paul was a smart man, you know. He knew his job would be trouble. He gave her chance after chance to go, if she wanted. But that’s the thing, isn’t it? She didn’t.”

Chris looks at his phone, lying on the little table in front of the couch. There’s some text messages he hasn’t looked at. Couple of voicemails he hasn’t listened to.

“Maybe he, he, he didn’t want to keep hurting her,” Chris whispers.

“Hurt’s a part of living, lad, take it from someone who’s given out his fair share of it and more.” Mr. Malley hums. Outside, a car pulls up, almost bumping the curb. “Perhaps you’re meant to separate from your young partner, Tristan, perhaps not. It’s like I told your dad, way back in the Stone Age. You choose if you love someone, to be sure, but they choose if they love you back. You can’t decide that for them.”

“But, but I’m-... but, but I’ve been… what I am, it’s-”

“I know what you’ve been made to do,” Mr. Malley says gently. “You don’t have to explain, lad. We knew.”

Chris’s lips tremble. He doesn’t want his coffee any longer. He sets it down next to his phone, on the little table. The baristas talk quietly about a date that one went on the night before, there’s a low sound of machinery. It all filters into Chris’s mind, a cacophony of sound he picks apart or doesn’t. Right now it’s hard for him to think around all the sound, but he tries. “Then, then, then why… if you knew, um, why… didn’t you-”

He can’t finish the question.

Why didn’t you save me from it?

“We couldn’t. It’s shite, is what it is, but we couldn’t. And by the time we could, you were with that nice young man who you live with now. I’m sorry for the time you lost, Tristan, and sorrier still I can’t give it back to you somehow. You’re your dad’s child through and through, but you’ve got your mother in you, too. You know what Ronnie did when there was something she couldn’t get through?”

Chris turns to look at this man, who knew his mother and father in ways he never could have. He swallows. “What?”

“She went over it. Or around it. Or blew it to smithereens and went through the wreckage. Whatever it took. They tried to kick you out of school when you were a wean, she fought them ‘til they realized they’d never win against her. They tried to tell her you wouldn’t read, she told them to go, well, to go sit on a thing or two and not to tell her what her boy could or couldn’t do.”

Chris thinks of Nat sitting next to him on the floor, patiently encouraging him to keep trying to turn the letters into words, despite his headaches, his tears, his certainty he’d never get reading back.

You will, Chris. I know you will. Just keep fighting for it. They won’t take anything from you forever, I won’t let them and you won’t let them either.

Don’t let them keep you from yourself.

“They told her she’d never have a happy life, having a wee one so young, but she built that happy life anyway with her own two hands and dared anyone to try and knock it down.”

“Someone… some, someone did, though.” The gunshots, his mother’s eyes going dull and blank, her whispered I love you so much, Tris…

“Sure. Yes.” Mr. Malley’s expression goes serious, and sad. “But it took breaking into her house at midnight and bullets to stop her. You’ve got plenty of your mom in you, lad. Plenty of your dad, too, he was always a stubborn git himself. Do you love this person you’ve broken up with? Hm?”

“Yes.” The answer comes without hesitation, even though his voice shakes and his heart races. “I, I, I do. That’s, that’s why I don’t want to-to keep hurting them by, by, by by being messed up from what, um, from what happened to me, I don’t… I don’t want to keep h-hurting them-”

“Let them decide how they feel about that,” Mr. Malley says, voice gentle and low. “Plenty of people are hurt and find their way forward together after.”

Jake and Kauri, laughing in the kitchen as Jake spins Kauri around in a circle, dips him backwards, presses a kiss to his nose that has him giggling.

Antoni at the stove, sighing but with a smile on his face, watching them. Being pulled into the hug not quite against his will, all three of them laughing then. Kauri bright and sparkling, Jake a deeper harmony, Antoni soft and genuine.

“Maybe it won’t last, maybe it will - but don’t let a hard past keep you from the people who love you. I’ve seen many ruined by believing you may only be loved if you’ve no pain inside you. We’ve all got pain, lad. Carrying it together’s a sight easier than trying to go it alone.”

From the car parked right outside, an elderly man unfolds himself, opening an umbrella to shield from the driving rain. Mr. Malley looks up and smiles. “Ah, right on time, must be ten sharp. That’ll be Cilly. D’you remember Cilly, lad?”

Chris looks as the man shuffles his way inside, pushing open the door. The little bell over the top jingles and the baristas cut off their conversation, standing up straight to call out a familiar greeting to a regular customer.

He squints.

“Not… not very well,” He confesses, a little ashamed.

“Ah, well, that’s not a problem. He and I’ve known each other a long time. I was an angry man for a while after my wife died, you know. Seemed a crime that I should outlive her, when Christa deserved to live to a hundred and six if she so wished. Cilly helped me carry that anger when I needed to be angry, and he helped me put it down later on.”

He gives a wave to the man - to Cilly - who looks at Chris and then back to Mr. Malley with clear surprise, then heads towards the counter to make his own order.

“Be angry, Tristan,” Mr. Malley says, a little heavily, leaning over to him on the leg as he pushes himself, with a grunt of effort to his feet. “You may need your anger, in the days ahead. But if you’ve a love to help you carry it, who wants to help you carry it and who will be angry right there with you, and you love them back… well… don’t let the wickedness of others keep you from the happiness you could have. You’ll be a poorer person for it.”

Mr. Malley walks away without another word, leaving Chris by himself again on the couch, tapping at his stomach, thinking. He keeps looking at his phone, thinking about all the texts he hasn’t read, the way he’s refused to call them back when Laken kept trying to reach him.

He leans over to reach out.

He stops, hand hovering just above the plastic with its colorful case, the sensory sticker on the back of it that Laken had bought him.

What happened after all the dinosaurs died, Tristan?

I, I, I don’t know, Dad.

Trick question, buddy. They didn’t. Paul’s eyes, bright and vibrant, gesturing to a bird in a tree nearby. Nothing stays the same and lives forever except alligators and sharks.

Right because, because they’re perfect.

Exactly. Dinosaurs died, sure, but they didn’t die, too. They just changed to suit the world after the one they knew how to live in was gone. Imagine, Tris.

Imagine what?

Imagine the world destroyed and in darkness, buried in ash. Everything you know is gone, ruined, wrecked beyond repair. And imagine… imagine that you learn to eat seeds and little mice instead of big animals and leaves. Imagine you become smaller and smaller. Imagine that your arms turn to wings, that your bones hollow out to carry you higher above the piles of ash that turn to grass and to life again.

What? I, I, I don’t, um, I don’t understand-... Dad, um, I don’t, I don’t... know what you mean.

Right, sorry. Just... imagine you’re a dinosaur.

He’d laughed. Okay.

Now imagine your dinosaur family is gone, and you have to become something else. What do you become? Being a dinosaur means dying, right?

Um. Right.

So imagine that you look at death and say, no thanks. No, you’re not going to be over. This isn’t it for you. Even a meteor the size of the entire sky can’t end you. Instead of dying out, no, you look at history, at geological time, and you say…

Paul had trailed off.

Say what? What, what do I say?

Don’t tell your mom but-... you look at the end of the world and you say... fuck this, I’m going to learn to fly.

Chris picks up his phone, finds Laken’s name and photo in his contacts. It’s a photo of the two of them together, Chris and Laken smiling and laughing as he smears whipped cream on their nose and they smear a cross of fluffy white into his forehead.

He dials.

They pick up on the third ring.

“Chris? Oh my God, Chris, are you okay? Are you-... are you okay, baby?” Their voice shakes, and he closes his eyes.

This time, he lets the tears slip out and run down his face. “H-Hey, Laken, um, I, I, I-... I’m… I wondered if you, um, if you could, uh… are you busy?”

“Am I-... Chris, where are you?”

“The, um, the coffeeshop-”

“I’m on my way. Don’t you dare fucking move.”

At their usual table, at their usual time, Cilly and Sean Malley start to talk amicably about the week ahead. But he keeps an eye on Paul’s boy, where he speaks a few sentences and then hangs up the phone, looking out the window at the rain.

It’s twenty minutes before a new car pulls up outside, and umbrella-less, the partner Sean has seen with Tristan before comes racing inside, a blur of black clothes and black hair and brown skin. Paul’s boy stands, and his partner throws themself at him so hard the two of them fall backwards onto the couch.

They start laughing, and shortly after to cry.

Their hands come up to either side of Tristan’s face, and they lean forward to kiss the scar on his forehead. He can’t hear what they say to each other, but he doesn’t need to.

Ronnie, he thinks, would like this spitfire person that Paul’s boy is so in love with.

That’s one wrong put right, at least for the moment.

One more to go.

Sean smiles and sips his cooling coffee.

@burtlederp @finder-of-rings @endless-whump @astrobly @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whump-tr0pes @downriver914 @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @nonsensical-whump @outofangband @eatyourdamnpears

Just Go On from Kimmy Schmidt

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lydias--stiles · 3 years

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written kind of caffeinated, kind of stoned, kind of sleep-deprived juke | 2043 words | pure fluff

He knew that, rationally, he shouldn’t do it. The word “boundary!” blared in his head and the whole thing was really inconsequential and it was so stupid, but Luke simply couldn’t help himself. Was it because of his crush on her? Most definitely. Should that awareness stop him from doing dumb shit like this? Yes, except here he was.

While Julie was at school, she accidentally let the lights in her room on. And so, Luke poofed from the studio into her room to turn them off. Saving power, right? Doing the right thing, being a good person, definitely not going into her room because it was her room.

There was something relaxing about the space though. A sense of serenity falling on his shoulders every time he stepped inside and let his eyes wander and settle on new nooks and corners he hadn’t discovered yet. F+J scratched in the wood of her wardrobe, a box of pretty seashells, four tubes of the exact same mascara in her vanity. It felt familiar and human and simple and so, so Julie.

He flicked the lights off, the only light source being the sun pouring in and casting the room in a gentle glow. Her pink walls were gentler now, the colour of peaches and reminding him of summer nights with his boys on the beach. (It also reminded him of Julie’s peach deodorant that always hung around her and involuntarily made him zero in on her. Alex would argue he was always looking at her, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that the thought of peaches only held fond memories - new memories that now included her too.)

Alright. The lights were off. He did his good deed. He should go back to the boys…

His feet moved on their own accord and plopped down on her bed, sinking into the mattress. His hands caressed the soft comforter, a smile tugging on his lips that thank the fucking music gods, he could still touch and feel things. He would’ve gone insane in an instant if they weren’t able to be in contact with anything or anyone. It was unfathomable to Luke - not hugging Reggie or massaging Alex’s shoulders or grabbing Julie’s hand. To him, music was just another way to share that sensation of contact with people. Didn’t matter if it was loud and rough or quiet and intimate, a ballad or a rock anthem. Connection: that was all he ever needed.

His fingers slid further and suddenly he was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling. Oh, man. Now he really couldn’t leave. Her bed was so comfortable! Definitely better than the mattress he had at his folks or, even worse, the couch. That thing broke his back the last months. Ha, Luke noted bitterly, maybe it was better that he hit the bucket then. Rather dead and setting the stage on fire than living with a hernia, right?

Though Luke still slept (habit? he guessed?), he has never felt sleepy. The boys just hung around or hit the streets and then eventually felt that tug of human normalcy. “Maybe we should go to sleep, guys. Big day ahead.” He didn’t dream. It was just black. It wasn’t unwelcome; just… empty.

But here, laying on Julie’s bed and letting his eyes blur and rest, Luke felt sleepy. Sufficiently exhausted. He didn’t know where that sudden slam of the hammer came from, but he kind of liked it. It made him feel like he was the one that went to school today, or had a tiring shift at some fast food shack, or played a gig. He stretched himself like a star, grinned as all the joints in his back popped, and then rolled on his side. Fucking heaven.

‘What’re you doing here?’

The faraway voice lulled the groggy Luke awake. He felt like he was hit by a truck. Where was he?

‘Hmph?’

She chuckled, his mind speeding up at just the sound and realising that shit, he did fall asleep on her bed and she caught him. His eyes cracked open, coming face to face with an amused Julie hovering on the side of the bed. His brain supplied him with the thought that she looked pretty, reminding him once again that yup, he still liked her. A sheepish smile crawled on his lips.

‘Hey, Jules.’

She rolled her eyes and then roughly pushed him to the other side of the bed. He squeaked, grabbing onto the comforter as to not fall off and gawked at her.

‘Dude!’

‘This is my side of the bed,’ Julie said, pointing at the indent he made. ‘If you’re going to sleep here, it’s on the other side.’

He let out a relieved breath. ‘You’re not mad?’

‘Depends.’ Her eyes narrowed. ‘Why were you in my room?’

Waving his hands towards the ceiling, he muttered. ‘Your lights were still on.’

His reply visibly mellowed her, so much that it kind of surprised him. Her smile melted into those she gave him whenever he found a gnarly lyric or impressed her with a riff or met her halfway for the mic onstage. During those moments, it was hard to deny there wasn’t more, that both knew there was more, but couldn’t really do anything about it. It was really depressing. “Yeah, Jules, I’m fucking crazy about you. Wanna make out and hope I don’t disappear the next day?” Even his impulsive streak wasn’t that extreme.

He hadn’t expected her to smile like that right now. Not when he laid on her bed and her hair was begging for his fingers to slip through and the spot he slept on was still warm. He almost poofed away. Were they going to touch on the “more”? Was this it?

‘Thanks,’ she eventually whispered, eyes dropping and meeting his again with a shyer smile and he knew he was sporting the exact same. A beat passed between them, eyes locked and unwavering. His fingers twitched.

‘Uh…’ Mustering back some rationality, he said: ‘Do you want me to leave, or?’

Her hands stretched out. ‘No!’ Face twisting to something he could only describe as “cringe”, she went on a little calmer. ‘You can- it’s fine. I’m just going to do some homework anyway.’

He watched as she and her backpack found a place on the bed, both very close and very far away all at once. It shouldn’t be intimate, but it was. He was seventeen and she was sixteen and he was pretty sure his crush wasn’t completely one-sided and she just allowed him to stay. There wasn’t music or a guitar or a songbook to hide behind and it sort of terrified him. But in a good way? Like when he went cliff diving and stood at the edge, stomach whooping at the thought of jumping, or when he was at the top of a rollercoaster and the cart slowly began to tilt. It was that. The feeling of quiet exhilaration.

All of that just cause Julie sat next to him bend over a history worksheet. Get a fucking grip, dude.

He didn’t know how long she worked on her homework or how long he stared at the ceiling, hands weaved beneath his head, but it mustn’t been long. The weight shifted and suddenly Julie’s head fell on her pillow with a sigh.

‘No, no, no, Julie,’ he teased, ‘gotta keep those grades up, right?’

She rolled on her side to stick her tongue out. ‘Very funny. You maybe don’t remember it anymore, but school’s exhausting.’

Luke also shifted on his side, chuckling. ‘Jules, it haunts me. That’s why I dropped out.’

‘Cute pun.’

‘Thanks.’ And then, because Luke was never one to overthink: ‘I like this.’

That smile of her came back, the one he always wanted to see. Her eyes crinkled and her lips slightly parted and so incredibly beautiful. He heard music when he looked at her. Death became sweeter if it meant he’d get to stare at the girl of his dreams. It was a morbid thought, but then again, he didn’t deem himself dead whenever he was around her. Luke probably felt so alive around her that it surprised him later on that he wasn’t.

He wasn’t a ghost. Not to her. She didn’t need to tell him for him to know that.

Julie tentatively held her hand out in the space between, palm up and smudged with ink. When he placed his on top, fingers barely intertwining but the sensation like a shot of oxygen, she murmured: ‘Me too.’

They didn’t plan for it to become routine, but it also felt kind of inevitable. Nearly every day, Luke would go to Julie’s room when he knew her day at school was nearing its end and waited on her. She’d come in and briefly recapitulate the day (usually some story regarding an annoying teacher and Flynn with a killer comeback), sliding down on her side of the bed and hold his hands. Some days, her fingertips quietly wandered the lines on his palms, some days his did. It was always quiet. Though the only ones in her room, they whispered. This wasn’t a secret (the boys were keenly aware where Luke spent his afternoons), but it felt wrong to speak at a normal volume when the other was so close.

As the days progressed, they shifted closer. Not intentional, but once again inevitable. Everything about them felt like that nowadays. The longer he was around, the more he realised that this - the bond he shared with Julie - was always meant to happen. Whenever his thoughts meandered to those cosmically impossible ideas of serendipity and couldn’t wrap his head around it, Julie was always there with her smile to bring him back to earth. Or, well, to bed.

And then one day, Julie came home from school, saw him, and without saying anything, crawled right into his chest. His heartbeat didn’t pick up like he expected. It eased and relaxed, sinking deeper into the matress as his eyes fell shut from pure fucking bliss and hugged her closer. Her peach deodorant overwhelmed his senses in the best way possible, burrowing his face in her neck and her smile stretching against his sweater. She was warm and perfectly fit into the curve of his body and he was in love. The acceptance should’ve ached, but it didn’t. How could he think about tomorrow when Julie Molina was wrapped in his arms?

Time froze those afternoons. As long as she kept her head on his chest, as long as they didn’t leave the bed, their island, then nothing could hurt them.

One afternoon, when the sun was reflecting pink and purple splotches on the walls and he was contently dissecting each curl, his heart so full it could explode, he said it. ‘I wanna do this forever.’

He felt her chuckle. ‘Inspecting my hair like a monkey, or…?’

Luke squeezed her closer. ‘C’mon, Jules.’

Her giggles quieted, chin sliding up his chest to look at him. If she found devotion shimmering behind the green, she was correct. He hoped that the warm flickering in her brown ones was the same.

Her voice was small. ‘You do?’

He nodded, every movement too big or too loud, afraid it would ruin the perfect quietude surrounding them. The room melted away, her face all that was left. Before he let the tug in his chest (the same thread that looped them in this embrace) guide him closer, she got there first. Julie surged upwards, barely needing to close any distance to softly find his lips. He cradled her cheek, warmth brimming from every pore on his skin, love pouring from his lips onto hers. It was short and sweet, but their smiles as they did were anything but. It felt like the first flower blooming in spring. Giddy, he kissed her again. He loved her. (It was inevitable.)

Julie hummed an unknown melody in his ear, lilting and just as giddy, her fingers circling right above his heart. It stammered to blend with hers. Luke met her gaze, noses brushing and smiles private and eyes adoring. She loved him. (It was inevitable.)

‘Then let’s do it forever.’

#aight imma head out #juke #jatp fanfiction #not on ao3 cause its too inconsequential lol #julie and the phantoms #otp: i think we make each other better

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thestyleswritings · 3 years

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Fix You

"We talked about something you said to me a while ago." She says, tone short. He couldn't tell if she was angry or if she was being shy about something.

"Well? I'd love to hear what I said that you're still thinking about months later and talkin’ to your therapist about, baby." The hand that lay stationery on her thigh squeezed a bit, encouraging her to talk to him.

"You said something about making a baby with me. Haven't been able to stop thinking about it." She muttered, biting her lower lip. His whole body went rigid beneath her at that.

Or - The one where you have depression and Harry leads you in the right direction, and then some

(6.1K)

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Mention of Mental Health Issues, VERY brief mentions of suicide, Language, Possible Breeding Kink(??), Smut (at the end)

Masterlist

I wrote this in one night,,, shout out to mania.This isn’t even what I was working on. I don’t know if this is something that many people will want to read but it definitely brought a smile to my face to write. Do I need therapy? Probably. Will I ignore that and continue to escape my own mind through fiction? Absolutely. Reblog/Like if you enjoy!

Harry knew she'd been struggling for a long time. It wasn't like her depressive periods lasted very long when they happened, maybe around a week or so, but when they hit, they hit her hard. He'd asked her when they first started dating, years ago, why she never invited him over and why she always went to his place, and at first she didn't want to tell him. It was embarrassing to her that she sometimes got into these periods where she didn't even want to lift her head from the pillow, let alone tidy up her flat.

Harry eventually went over to her place once she felt comfortable enough to let him. She knew he wasn't going to judge her, and she knew all he wanted was to help her feel better. He stayed at her flat for hours the first time he came over, helping to fold the laundry she had done days before, dusting the bookshelf, clearing out the refrigerator. He'd joked they were a perfect match since he loved to clean up while listening to music they both loved; it relaxed his mind. His love language was acts of service anyway, which he constantly had to remind her of. He didn't mind doing anything and everything in his power in order to alleviate his lover's stress. She had sworn to Harry she'd try her best to keep the place in tiptop shape, but he didn't actually expect her to.

He'd lost more than one friend to severe depression and he knew it was nothing to take lightly. Unfortunately, he also knew the signs to look for in suicidal people all too well. He could tell she had become moodier and spent a good bit of her day in bed either sleeping or just staring off into the void. She texted him that she was at home more and more, opting out of seeing her close friends for drinks or dinner. He hadn't seen her, either. It was all beginning to worry him deeply. He knew she'd have bad days, he'd signed up for that, but this was bigger than just a rough day. It had been going on for nearly two weeks and he knew he couldn't wait to address it any longer. He wanted to approach her tenderly. He was fearful that if he misspoke, she would shut down.

That's how he ended up at her door one evening, unannounced. He brought along two sunflowers, one significantly taller than the other. He'd seen them at the florist's downstairs and they made him smile to himself. They were her favourite flower, and the posture of them reminded him of both of them. He hoped they would make her smile, too.

He didn't bother ringing the bell, fishing out the spare key she had made up for him from his jeans pocket. When he stepped through the threshold, his heart sunk. There were empty cups on the coffee table, and he knew that meant she wasn't eating. If she were, there would've at least been a bowl or two. In that regard, her untidiness was helpful. He could assess the situation before even having to talk about it.

He sighed deeply as he gently places the sunflowers down on the kitchen island, walking over to clear the short table in front of the loveseat. He could practically feel the pain she was in and he hated. He hated the fact that she had to be stuck with the short end of the stick. He walks the cups over to the sink, running the water over them for a moment before grabbing the sponge on the ledge of the sink to scrub them clean.

As he washed the cups, he thought of what he could say to her that would actually prove to be helpful. It wasn't easy to always have the right words when the person hearing them didn't care if they lived or died. He knew if he told her outright how upset he was seeing her this way, it would only serve to make her feel worse that she couldn't help it. He didn't want to force or therapy on her, but he really wasn't left with many options. He wouldn't lose someone else to this. He couldn't live with himself, nor without her.

He shuts off the tap and dries his hands on the cute yellow kitchen towel that was always draped on the cabinet next to the sink. With the flowers in hand, he cracks open her bedroom door. There are a few small piles of clothing around, t-shirts and sweatpants carelessly discarded based on the look of how everything was inside out.

The sight of her breaks his heart. She was curled up tight beneath her fuzzy blanket that he knew she only pulled out when she was missing him and his snuggles, facing the wall while her arm hung limply over the stuffed dragon he'd gotten her ages ago. He could tell she hadn't gotten up all day, that much was evident. All the lights in the apartment had been off when he'd arrived and there was a stillness to the air. She hadn't even answered his messages sent hours earlier. He thought the worst for a moment, frozen in place with wide eyes trained on her unmoving body before hearing a soft snore coming from her, easing his breathing exponentially.

He sits on the edge of her bed, placing the flowers with a shaky hand in a cup of water that had been sitting on her bedside table. He brings his hand up to the dip of her waist, gently rubbing up and down the length of her torso to soothe her awake.

"Wake up, bug. S'me. Brought ya a little present." He coos at her once he heard her intake a large breath, reaching up to tuck her thick hair behind her ear. He could tell she hadn't washed it in a few days and made a mental note to encourage her to shower with him. She stirred under his touch, like she could tell it was him even when she was deep in slumber.

"Harry?" She calls out quietly into the dark, feeling the warmth of his palm against her cheek. Had she been more awake and alert, she might've even been sheepish at her disheveled appearance. She already knew he saw all the empty cups on her table that had once been full of tea and coffee. She felt ashamed.

"Yeah baby, it's me. Can you turn around and let me see that pretty face?" He croons, removing the hand that had been stroking her hair.

She sighs deeply before turning over in her full sized bed, eyes focusing on the plush faux-down blanket beneath her. His hand slowly approaches her face again, this time grabbing hold of her chin softly to have her look at him. He smiles sadly at her. She knew that look. It's the same way her mother would look at her when she came into her room as a teenager. Pity, almost. It made her feel weak.

"Hello, my angel. Have you been in bed all day, lovie?" He dotes on her, running his thumb across her cheekbone. He knew the answer, he just wanted her to acknowledge it.

"Mhm. What time is it?" Her voice is hoarse, as if she'd been crying the night before. The sound of it deflated Harry's heart in his chest.

"S' a quarter til six, lovie. What time did you fall asleep?" He asks, leaving his hand on her face to cradle her soft cheek.

"Dunno. Seven, eight? This morning sometime." She replies, sighing at her own erroneous sleeping schedule. Harry presses his lips together silently, taking in her words.

"Alright. Well, I'm here now, so up you get." He requests softly. Softly enough where she doesn't find it demanding. He stands from her bed, holding a hand out to her.

"Did I hear you say you brought me something?" She asks as she sits up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. He chuckles at her, knowing that a huge part of her mental illness caused her to crave buying material possessions, only for them to mean nothing to her the very next day. It was something she was truly trying to work on.

"Yes baby, I did. S' on the bedside table." He informs her, waiting for her to turn and see them before he walks closer to her. She caresses the vibrant petals of the yellow flower, biting her lower lip between her teeth.

"I... I love them, Harry. Thank you." He can hear the tightness in her throat and he worries that he should've just not gotten them at all for a moment before he sees the genuine smile across her lips.

"I saw them and thought of you. Well, us, really. Don't they look like us?" He beams at her, and she sort of thinks she can see what he means. He looks like a sunflower when he smiles. He brings light and beauty into her life. Maybe that's why she found herself wanting to cry. Because she felt like she wasn't worthy of the human sunflower standing in her room.

"Yeah. They do look like us." She offers a smile, smaller this time now that she's thought about it. She wraps her arms around his middle, allowing the overwhelming feeling of warmth and comfort to consume her for a moment before pulling away.

"I should probably go clean off the coffee table, huh?" She says humorlessly, walking the way of the door before his voice stops her.

"I did it for you, baby. Why don't you come with me to have a nice warm shower? I want to talk to you about some things while we're in there anyway." Panic strikes her still; what did he want to talk about? Was he finally fed up? Did he find someone else, someone who could take care of themselves properly? Was that why he was being especially sweet on her? She felt like she could throw up. She didn't know how to do this without him anymore, and that alone scared her. It wasn't to say she didn't adore him for all that he does for her, she just wished he didn't feel like he had to. She wished she could get her mind well enough to care to do even the simplest tasks.

She nods her head and thanks him quietly for straightening up before walking into her bathroom and stripping down to nothing. She reaches into the shower to turn on the water and waits for it to get warm, as well as Harry. She didn't like the sound of wanting to talk, even if he hadn't necessarily said it in a menacing way. When he joins her, he follows her lead by taking everything he wore off. He didn't want to look at her body for too long and become distracted like he often did when he saw her, especially when he really saw her. She had soft features and her body was always so pliant in his hands. Though, he couldn't allow his mind to wander right now.

He gets in first, testing the water and making sure it was around the temperature they both liked before reaching for her hand and pulling her in gently. She expected him to keep some distance, so when he wrapped his arms around her from behind as they stood under the steady stream of water, she was a bit taken back. Was he being overly affectionate as a way to say goodbye? He places a few kisses to her shoulder before peeling himself away and grabbing her peach shampoo off the built-in shelf. She leans her head back to make sure her hair is all wet before allowing him to lather her hair with the sweet smelling soap for her. She always loved how he massaged her scalp with it.

"So, I know you might think I wanted to talk about something bad, but I promise it's nothing bad. I just want you to know that before you start making scenarios up in your mind." He speaks softly, matching the pressure of his fingertips in her hair. He sees her shoulders sag and he feels awful. She'd already started thinking of potential issues he may have wanted to talk about. He carries on by rinsing the shampoo out and repeating, creating a much foamier lather the second time around. He rinses it out for her by guiding her beneath the waterfall, following up with the peach conditioner.

"What do you want to talk about?" She whispers, enjoying the feeling of Harry's hands moving lower with her wash rag, scrubbing her limbs delicately as to not harm her skin.

"Well... you. You know how much I love you, yeah? Can't fuckin' live without you, you know? Hurts me when we're apart for too long, or when we have to sleep alone. I, um... I just want you to be happy," he sighs. He prattled on a bit; his thoughts were jumbled and he didn't know how else to tell her this.

"I want to be able to know you're okay when I'm not with you, even if I want to be with you always. I know you're going through a rough spot right now, and I want you to have help. More help than just me," he's as gentle as he can be, and she appreciates it. It doesn't mean she wants to cry any less, of course, but she knows he has the purest intentions.

He wants her to thrive, not just survive. He knew he could only do so much for her before she had to start doing things for herself. He loved to baby her and take care of her, but not when he had to. He wanted to help her shower sometimes and feed her because he wanted to, not because she wouldn't do it herself if he didn't.

"Are you saying you want me to find a therapist?" She asks softly. She's not opposed to the idea, she just never found the strength to actually care enough about her own mental well-being to make an appointment.

"Are you okay with that? Would you be open to it if I helped you find someone to talk to? And maybe try medication? I know it's a lot at first, but it helps so many people. Just can't keep seeing you so sad. Hurts my soul, since we share the same one." He turns her around now to look at her property while they spoke. He could see the furrow in her brow, like someone was pinching them together with their fingers.

He saw the tears welling up in her eyes and his heart nearly explodes at the pout forming on her face. This isn't what he wanted to happen. He didn't want to make her cry. Her chin trembles as she tries her hardest to look anywhere but at his face.

"Oh, baby," he coos, wrapping her up in his arms once more, "I didn't mean to upset you. I'm so sorry, m'love," he kisses the top of her head, peppering them all around wherever he could reach. "M' just worried, baby. When I came in earlier it looked like you- I just, I can't imagine what I would do if-" he's slightly panicked now, she can feel his heart picking up it's pace. She didn't know that was something he worried about with her and it made her whole body ache.

"You didn't. It wasn't that. I would really appreciate if you could help me find someone to help me further. I'm crying because I'm hurting you when I don't deserve you in the first place," she sniffles, pressing her face further into the slippery skin of his neck. "You deserve someone who's whole, someone who you don’t have to worry about."

"Hey," he pulls back from her, holding both her shoulders so he can look her in the eyes, "I love you. So much that I'd die without you at this point. Just told you that. Please don't put thoughts and words into my mouth. I mean everything I say to you, don't let your brain fool you into thinking it's not true. When I tell you I love you, please know I mean that with everything I have and everything I am. I'm not whole without you. I worry because I love you so much that it would kill me to lose you," His voice is soft yet firm all at once, conviction filling his tone.

"Promise?" She asks weakly, knowing what he's telling her is the truth. Her brain tended to sabotage her.

"I promise." He kisses her lips, backing her underneath the water once more to rinse her off before reaching behind her to shut off the water. He steps out before her, grabbing her towel and wrapping it around her short body.

"I'm going to make something for us to eat, angel. Come sit with me at the counter so I don't get lonely?" He asks once they're both dressed. He wore her sweatpants and t-shirt while she wore his Christmas themed pyjama pants with his Spice World hoodie.

"You want me to?" She can't help but wonder why he wants her to be around him so much. She knew he loved her and they'd been dating for almost four years, but she found herself to be a buzzkill. She just exuded sadness, she thought. Harry scoffs at her playfully, rolling his eyes. He knew she couldn't help but doubt herself, but he still found it absurd. Of course he'd want to be around her all of the time. She was so accepting and loving, even if she didn't think so. She was good.

"Obviously, angel. Always want you within two feet of me. As a matter of fact, I wish you were pocket-sized so I could bring you everywhere with me until you got sick of seeing my big dumb head." He smirks at her, making her genuinely laugh. She hadn't done that in a while.

"You're such a dramatic nutter." She laughs, pushing him away from her so she could walk into the kitchen to find a stool to occupy.

"Me!? Were you not the one that cried because you couldn't stop thinking about The Hunger Games?" He comes in behind her, smacking her ass playfully in retaliation of her push before quickly walking at least an arms distance away from her.

"That's literally not fair? Finnick deserved so much better than that. You cried when we watched it together too, fucker!" She explains even more dramatically than he had been in the first place, as if he hadn't been there too. He chuckles as he opens her refrigerator, kissing his teeth when he finds nothing defrosted to cook. All she really had was oat milk, a bottle of homemade cold brew and a few cups of yoghurt.

"Fair enough. I'm going to take this chicken down so we can make it tomorrow, but since there's nothing else, do you wanna do Japanese?" Kicking the door closed as he walks closer to her with two water bottles in hand.

"You know I can never say no to Japanese. I'll order it," she offers, but he's already shaking his head with his phone in hand.

"It's on me. We're eating food you bought tomorrow, s'only fair. I wanna know what else you could never say no to? Like maybe... moving in with me?" He says without looking up as he places the order, already having her favourite meal saved on his phone, along with his own.

At first, she doesn't react. She doesn't move a single muscle, not even her eyes. He doesn't take her stunned silence personally, waiting for her to process what he'd just offered. He can practically see the cogs turning when he looked at her.

"You want me... to live with you... in your big beautiful mansion of a house..." She says slowly, turning her gaze to his own. He exhales a laugh at the flabbergasted expression on her face.

"Yes, baby. Told you I'd bring you everywhere with me, and we've been together almost 4 years, known each other 6. I don't know about you but I'm ready to wake up to your face every day." He smirks once more, reaching out to tucker her hair behind her ear like he always did. He just wanted to see more of her pretty face.

"You- I... Harry. You know what? Yeah. I will." She had began to refuse before catching herself. This was a normal next step in a long term relationship. She wouldn't sabotage this. She was a better version of herself when she was with him, and they made each other happy.

"Yeah? You will? I'm so happy baby, thank you. I'm tired of waking up alone and missing you every day. It's dumb." He tackles her in a hug, attacking her with a million kisses. He doesn't bother holding back the few happy tears he sheds, he doesn't care and he knows she doesn't either.

—

He had proposed to her the day she moved in, after she unpacked her last bedroom item and found a place for it. It was the silly green dragon, who now lived between two puffy pillows on their shared bed. He'd had the ring burning a hole in his dresser for over a year and he couldn't stand it anymore once he saw how at home she'd made herself. That, and he wanted to make love to her while she wore the sparkling diamond.

Something about the visual prompted him to drop to his knee behind her instantly.

It had been a year since she moved into Harry's “big beautiful mansion of a house”, and they were happier than ever. She was seeing a therapist that she enjoyed, someone whom she felt comfortable with. She had also begun taking medication. The first few prescriptions weren't right, but Harry encouraged her to keep trying different things and held her hand along the way. She finally found the one that matched her chemistry, and it worked a treat. She could focus on things better, and she had the energy to do so many things that she would even go on the occasional run with Harry. It was amazing for him to see her in such high spirits. It was like the her that only he could see was finally free, brightening up the world around her. More importantly, she could finally see herself that way, too.

A few months after she said yes, he had said something to her that she couldn't shake.

"Wanna make babies with you."

He'd said it to her in passing, staring at her with hearts in his eyes as she sat on the grass in the garden. The sun was hitting her skin so beautifully and she just looked so radiant. He couldn't help it. It had just slipped out.

She brushed it off at the time, but now it was all she could think about. She had even told her therapist about it. While the older woman seemed excited for her, she still asked if that was something she'd want. If she'd even thought about it.

And truthfully, she had thought about it before. A lot. She's thought about Harry rubbing her tummy, kissing it and singing. She's thought about them falling asleep together when the baby is finally born. She's thought about how much of a daddy's girl they'd have, if it turned out to be a girl. She's thought about how if he babies her this much, she would love to see how much he'd baby their real baby. She's thought about how much she and Harry would love their shared creation. She’s thought about how much more love it could bring into their lives.

She'd arrived home from a session one day after work to find Harry peacefully reading on the couch in the soft yellow light of their living room. She took a moment to admire him from this perspective before making her presence known. Jingling her keys a bit harder than usual, making his head turn in time to watch as she hangs them up before shedding her coat and walking over to the back of the couch.

"Hello, my love." She coos, rubbing her flat palms against his chest. She kisses the side of his face a few times and he grabs hold of her hands, clutching her closer and enjoying her warmth.

"Hi, lover. How was today? Work was alright?" He lets her hands go with a kiss so he can dog-ear's his page before shutting his book, giving her his undivided attention. She rounds the couch and decides to sit on his lap, looping her arms around his neck. His hands automatically shift to hold her waist.

"Work was the same. People are obnoxious and rude. What can I do? Session went well too. Talked about something I've been thinking about a lot." She looks down at him, tracing her finger subconsciously against the silver chain he never took off. She can't help but smile at how pretty her lover is, making him reflect the same expression.

"Want me to go down there and give them a talking to? You know I'd do it." He glares playfully, furrowing his brows and puffing his chest. She laughs softly at his silly demeanour. It's one of the things she loves the most about him.

"Shut up. Annoying," She laughs, hiding her face in his neck. He laughs with her, dropping a hand to one of her thighs to smack it lightly for her comment, ultimately choosing to leaving it resting there.

"That's you. Anyway, what did you talk about? Is there something bothering you?" He asks, ignoring the way her brow raises at him for calling her the annoying one. They had such a lighthearted relationship. It filled them both with joy.

"We talked about something you said to me a while ago." She says, tone short. He couldn't tell if she was angry or if she was being shy about something.

"You said something about making a baby with me. Haven't been able to stop thinking about it." She muttered, biting her lower lip. His whole body went rigid beneath her at that.

"You've been thinking about it this whole time and didn't say anything?" He questions softly, looking up at her with loving eyes. She nods her head, looking off to the side to gather her thoughts.

"Yeah. I... I really want that, Harry. I already promised to love you forever when I said yes, and you make me so much better. I can't imagine how amazing you'll be as a father. I, um, I also stopped taking my birth control a few days ago." She spoke with confidence. She knew this was what she wanted, and she could tell he did too. There was something in the way she spoke about it that made him stand with her in his arms.

"Let me get this straight. You want me to put a baby in you?" He speaks boldly, almost matter of fact. He wasn't asking, he was confirming. She says nothing, choosing instead to nod furiously.

He beams at her, bringing her all the way to their bedroom before sitting her delicately on the bed. She rolled her eyes at that; it's not like she was already pregnant. He catches the look and reaches to her shoulder to shove her on the bed with an eye roll of his own.

"Better?" He mocks, grinning from ear to ear at her shocked expression. He takes his shirt, that was actually her shirt, off along with his joggers before clambering on top of her.

"You're such a knobhead." She laughs, taking off her own shirt. She didn't feel like waiting.

"A knobhead that you want to come in you. A knobhead that you want to father your children!" He exclaims jokingly. She can't help the grin on her face, pulling his chin until their lips met. Her grin evaporates when she feels him practically rip her skirt off, alongside her flimsy thong. She gasps at the feeling of his fingers on her, rubbing over her slit ever so gently. Feeling how wet she was for him.

"Were you thinking about this on your way home? You're fucking drenched." His voice had lost all sense of humour, acquiring a certain gravel to it that only served to make her wetter. She only nods, kissing his lips in a pleading sort of way.

"You want my baby this bad, huh? Want me to make you a mummy? Want to make me a daddy? S' that it, angel?" She couldn't take it anymore. The sound of his voice was driving her insane and she had checked if she was ovulating this morning and found out she was. It was like her body was demanding for him.

"Yes! Yes, lover. Please? Want it so bad," Harry felt his heart warm at the tone of her voice. He knew they called each other lover in bed when they were feeling too romantic, too lost to the moment. In a good way. She was truly desperate to try for a little person with him. Quickly, he rolls them over so she's sat atop him once more. He kisses her immediately, bringing his hand down to dip his fingers into her now sopping wet hole.

She choked on a gasp as she felt him slide two in, curling them at the joint to apply pressure exactly where he knew she needed it. He took advantage of her head falling back, attacking her neck with tender love bites and kisses. His other hand roamed around her stomach and back for a bit before reaching for her chest, tweaking her nipple between two slender fingers. Her jaw dropped when she felt his thumb land on her clit, circling hard and fast.

"God, Harry! Fuck," she could hardly breathe at the efforts her lover was putting in. "Yes! Yes," her praise was quiet, but it fuelled him regardless.

He was always an attentive lover, but something about his actions were nearly feral. Like he couldn't get enough, no matter how much she gave him. He would always want more of her. More sound, more taste, more feeling. He wanted her to always evade and overwhelm his senses. He moans at her noises, along with the feeling of her clenching around his fingers.

"C'mon, lover. Come so I can put our baby in ya," he breathes against her neck, licking any patches of skin he can reach. Her eyes roll back at his words, crying out for both him and God.

"Tha's it, lover. Good girl," he whispers huskily, slowing the movement of his fingers and moving the other hand to hold her body even more tightly against his. When he can feel her body shuddering, he pulls his fingers from her and sticks them in his mouth, sucking them clean in a filthy way.

"Please put our baby in me," she requests in a small voice with a smile, tears streaking down her cheeks. She was so overwhelmed by him and by the prospect of what they were doing that she started crying happy tears. His smile is worth everything to her in that moment, pulling his face up for a kiss.

"Yeah, lover. I'll do that," his voice is tender, like his touch. He kisses her as he lays her body beneath him again, stopping for a moment to take in her form. Her body was so gentle and relaxed after he'd made her feel good, and he couldn't help but kiss her tummy. Her cheeks were slightly flushed and her hair was starting to frizz, but she'd never looked better.

This wasn't by any means the first time they'd had sex without a condom but it was, however, the first time they'd done it without her taking birth control.

The rational part of their minds knew it wouldn't physically feel any better, but they couldn't help the buzz around them at the thought.

He kisses her neck lightly as he grasps himself, tugging a few times to make sure he was nice and hard for her. He knew he was already rock solid, but he wanted to be extra sure. This was important. When he pushes into her, his eyes roll to the back of his head. She grits her teeth at the feeling of being so full of her lover, digging her nails into his side.

He pushes the rest of the way in, taking a pause there for a moment. He could tell he was pressed against her in a delicious way from the look on her face. His hips started to create a rhythm they could both enjoy; deep and hard, slow and passionate. They were making love, after all.

"G'na be the best mum, fuck, I know it," he pants into her ear, leaning his body further into hers. She whines into his hair, lifting her hips off the bed to get closer to him, even if it wasn't possible.

"You're- oh my god, fuck! You're gonna be the best dad, you already take, oh shit, take such good care of me. Such a good lover,” she can tell her voice sounds fucked out, but hell if she gave a fuck. He squeezes her hand in response, kissing her neck again. He felt himself get hotter at her words. The way their bodies collided could be heard in the thick air around them, filling their ears with beautiful music.

She could hear it in the way he moaned in her ear that he was so close. She was, too, just at the thought of him filling her up with possibly more than just nut. They could get a baby out of this. Her eyes roll back as she practically howled in pleasure.

“Please come, please I wanna feel it,” she begged as she lost her mind, repeating her chant.

“Oh my fuck, yeah, baby. Finish for me first, lover. Good fucking girl,” he praises her, kissing along her collarbones as he fucked her through her orgasm. He was so close he could practically taste it, but he had to say something first.

“I love you, angel. I’m gonna love you forever.” His words are broken up between moans in her ear, making her cry out with him. She was so sensitive that when he let go and shot into her, she came again.

He could barely move once he was spent, dropping his weight to his elbows and laying on top of her chest, which was moving rapidly along with his own.

He kisses the skin beneath him as she plays with his hair, both too dazed to say anything.

She’s the first to break their silence when she tells him she loves him too.

“‘M bloody glad you love me too, or else it would be pretty awkward for us to have a baby together.” He mutters sarcastically, not even having the energy to lift his head. It was like she sucked out his soul and he needed 2 to 5 business days to get back to being functional. She’d have to call Jeff and let him know the bad news.

“You’re a dork. But, I wouldn’t choose anyone else to do this with. You helped me through the worst days and showed me what I could be. I owe you everything.” She cards her fingers through his hair, speaking softly.

“I resent that, firstly. But I’m proud I get to be this person for you. You’re everything to me, so you don’t owe me a thing. I’m just happy that you’re getting help for yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do, and I’m proud of you. Extremely fucking proud.” He had turned his head to where his chin was poking at her tummy so he could look at her face.

“I’m happy I took your advice. Outsourcing help doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong. It shows that you can pull yourself up and realise you have a problem, you know?” She tries to explain it, but he knows. He’d been telling her all along. He even went to therapy.

“Yeah, baby. I’m happy you’re here with me.” He says, and she knows he meant here, alive, not just here with him at that moment. She holds onto him a little bit tighter.

“I’ll always be here. I need you too much to go anywhere”

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obeyme-kaidii-writes · 3 years

Text

Together (1/2)

Mammon x gn!MC

Words - 5985 (total)

Content warnings - HEAVY angst, tw: suicidal thoughts, happy ending w/ lots of cuddles

Prompt/Inspiration - self-indulgent comfort piece

Summary - Your year in the Devildom has come to an end, and now you are struggling to adjust back to life in the human realm. Meanwhile, Mammon is also struggling to adjust to your absence.

AO3 | PART TWO

***READ THE CONTENT WARNINGS***

It had been 3 months since you had returned to the human realm and left the Devildom. And things had been...rough.

In the course of one year, everything had changed for you. You had found love. Found a family. A place to call home.

And even though you would have given anything not to, you still had to go back where you had come from. You had pleaded with Diavolo to allow you to stay, but he insisted that you needed to return, at least for the time being. The whole point of the exchange program after all was to encourage harmony between realms, and that can’t exactly be accomplished if you never return.

To say you missed everyone would have been an understatement. It was harder than you could have imagined to leave behind the one place you finally felt like you belonged. And there was one demon in particular that you were having the hardest time adjusting to being away from - Mammon.

He had been your constant companion during your stay. And even though you both butted heads at first, you grew to love one another and quickly became inseparable. Everything you did, you did together - and that included any number of schemes Mammon tried to carry out. Chaos followed you wherever you went, but so did laughter and joy. It didn’t matter if you both got caught, that time together was priceless to you.

But now you were home, and you had never felt more alone. Depression wasn’t new to you however, so you were prepared for how to care for yourself and make do. You just hoped that you didn’t have to limp along for very long.

Texting Mammon was probably the only thing that kept you afloat most days. And today was no exception. You knew he had been having a rough time too, but he was still your rock and never failed to make you smile.

While you were laying in bed, mindlessly scrolling through social media, looking for memes to send to your favorite demon, your DDD chimed. Checking the notification you realized it was none other than Mammon.

>>Mammon - I love you >>You - I love you too 😘 >>You - what have you been doing today? >>Mammon - I dunno. Just hanging out in my room I guess. >>Mammon - I miss you >>You - I miss you too ❤️❤️❤️ >>You - why don’t you see what Asmo is doing? Maybe you could go to The Fall? >>Mammon - nah. Don’t really feel like it. >>Mammon - what about you? >>You - same old, same old lol >>You - just looking for memes 🙃 >>Mammon - Any good ones? >>You - not yet lol >>Mammon - I really miss you :( >>You - I know. Me too. >>Mammon - everything is so boring with you gone. >>Mammon - nothing is as fun without you. >>You - I know what you mean. I wish you could be here. >>Mammon - that would be nice. I’d never leave. >>You - good. I wouldn’t want you to. 😘 >>You - so...about last night… >>Mammon - yeah? >>You - you were actually upset that I didn’t call, weren’t you? >>Mammon - ….

>>You - Levi told me. He said he heard you sniffling when he got up to get some snacks. >>Mammon - oh >>You - why didn’t you say anything? >>Mammon - I didn’t wanna manipulate you. >>You - manipulate me? Lol Mammon it’s just a phone call >>Mammon - yeah but you said you were tired >>You - I would have called if I knew you were that upset. >>Mammon - I just didn’t want ya to feel pressured. >>You - it’s fine. It’s a phone call. Not like you’re asking for nudes. 😜 >>You - will you promise to tell me in the future? If you really need to talk? Let me decide if it’s too much for me to handle, ok? >>Mammon - ok

You couldn’t put your finger on it, but something felt...off...about this conversation. As wonderful as Mammon was to you, he was still the Avatar of Greed - so holding himself back wasn’t something he usually did. Especially not for something as trivial as a phone call. Why was he suddenly acting like a phone call would be such a burden to you?

>>You - I can’t physically cuddle with you, so at least let me be there for you over the phone. ❤️ >>Mammon - I love you >>You - I love you too babe 😘 >>You - you believe me don’t you? >>Mammon - lol yeah >>You - good. >>You - you better not forget it. >>Mammon - it’s just hard sometimes >>You - what is? >>Mammon - being away from you. >>Mammon - didn’t realize it was gonna be this hard >>You - yeah >>You - you ok? >>Mammon - I dunno. Just tired. >>You - 😘 >>You - you’re supposed to be coming for a visit soon, right? >>Mammon - yeah Lucifer said we’d take a trip, dunno when tho >>You - well I can’t wait to see you again. >>Mammon - me too. >>Mammon - I’m just so sick of all this. >>Mammon - I miss ya too much. >>Mammon - everything else is just...idk >>Mammon - I just want to hide in my room honestly and not have to deal with everyone else

The longer you talked with Mammon, the more sure you became that something was wrong. You wanted to ask him, but you weren’t even sure what to ask. It was like...everything he said echoed perfectly how you had been feeling. Withdrawn, lonely, isolated.

You were a very empathetic person by nature, but this just felt too real, too close to home. You weren’t even needing to imagine yourself in his position, because it was the very same position you were in.

As that thought occurred to you, a chill went down your spine.

It couldn’t be? Could it? He’s never said anything like that before. But…

You picked up your DDD again and scrolled back through your messages. You considered texting him and just asking him directly, but you didn’t want to put ideas into his head that weren’t already there. On the other hand, you’d never forgive yourself if something truly was wrong and you ignored this sinking feeling in your gut. So you decided the only thing for you to do was to say something.

>>You - sorry if this sounds weird or dramatic >>You - it’s just hard to tell since I can’t see you right now >>You - and I’d rather be safe than sorry >>You - can you promise me something? >>Mammon - what?

Your hands were shaking now, and you could feel your heart beating rapidly in your chest. Please, please let me be wrong , you thought.

>>You - if you feel suicidal, will you please get help? >>You - go to someone. Anyone. Levi would probably be good. He’s always there you know? >>You - I just have this feeling >>You - and I can’t shake it >>You - so will you promise me?

You saw the little indicator pop up letting you know Mammon was typing. But then it would stop. Only to return a few moments later. Your anxiety had become overwhelming by this point and you crawled out of bed and started pacing around the room, checking your DDD every 5 seconds to see if he had sent a message through yet.

The longer it took for him to reply, the tighter you felt your chest get, and the more your heart rate accelerated. You were in full “fight or flight” mode now, and the “fight” was making your thoughts race as you tried to figure out what to do next. Should you call Lucifer? One of his brothers? You just needed someone to check on him.

>>Mammon - I ummm >>Mammon - I don’t know if I can promise that >>Mammon - just the thought of it makes me feel sick >>Mammon - and like Lucifer would take me seriously >>Mammon - ha

By now, the only sound you could hear was the pounding of your own heartbeat in your ears. You were hardly aware of your own surroundings anymore, and there was only one thought on your mind.

I have to get to Mammon.

How could you do that though? Getting permission from Diavolo or Lucifer would take awhile. And how would you even explain that anyways without violating Mammon’s trust? Maybe Solomon could help? You had no idea how long it would take him to get back to you, but it was worth a shot. You knew he’d be the least likely to ask questions too. All you needed now was to buy yourself some time.

RING RING RING

“Mammon?”

“Hey.”

“Hey babe. How are you feeling?”

“I dunno. Just tired.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s been hard for me to get out of bed some days.”

“You too huh?”

You knew he had been feeling bad, but you were not prepared for just how...lifeless...his voice sounded right now over the phone. Suddenly you heard a DING and realized Solomon had gotten back to you, so you switched your call to speakerphone so you could continue talking to Mammon.

“I love you.”

“I love ya too.”

“I wish I could see you right now. I could use a hug.”

“Me too.”

>>Solomon - I haven’t heard from you in awhile. >>Solomon - Is everything ok? >>You - yeah, I was just wondering if it was possible to go visit Mammon. >>Solomon - you mean with a spell? >>You - yeah. I just miss him you know? And I’d like to surprise him.

“You know I’d miss you a lot if you were ever gone, right?”

“....yeah.”

“It’s true. I can’t wait to see you again.”

>>Solomon - Well, theoretically yes it is possible. >>You - but? >>Solomon - but doing so would take an immense amount of power. Something you don’t have. >>You - oh. Right. Duh. >>Solomon - what about summoning him? >>Solomon - that’s much easier to do.

“Me too. I just want to hold ya and kiss ya. I miss that.”

“I know. I want to snuggle with you too.”

“Yeah…”

“Maybe we could go somewhere you know? Just the two of us.”

>>You - how do I do that? >>Solomon - Do you remember the spell I taught you to summon Asmodeus? >>You - yeah >>Solomon - it’s the same one. Just summon Mammon instead. >>You - and that will work between realms? >>Solomon - it should. >>Solomon - since you have such a strong connection to him it will make it easier.

“I dunno know if Lucifer would allow that.”

“I bet he would if I asked.”

“Ha, maybe. He does seem soft on ya.”

“Of course he is. I’m just so sweet and innocent you know. Hard not to be charmed by me.”

“Riiiight. Not sure I’d call ya innocent. Sweet maybe.”

“Hey babe, I need to go for a bit so I can go to the bathroom. But I’ll call you right back ok?”

“Ok.”

“I love you!”

“I love you too.”

If Solomon was correct, even with your limited magical abilities, you shouldn’t have any trouble at all calling Mammon to you. You hadn’t tried to use your pacts before, but you were willing to try anything right now. So you began chanting the spell:

“HEAR ME DENIZENS OF DARKNESS! You who are born of shadow, and you who give birth to it. Hear me and do as I command!”

You felt as the magical energy began to gather around you, making your hair stand on end. It was working.

“I, MC, call upon you to send forth one of your number!

I summon the Avatar of Greed, MAMMON!”

The walls of your room began to shake, the windows rattled, when a bright flash of light filled the room. You brought your arm up to cover your eyes and hoped against hope that when you opened them again your demon would be there in front of you.

And he was.

Sitting on the ground, holding himself upright with his arms, was a very disoriented looking Mammon. His hair was a disheveled mess, his clothes looked like they hadn’t been changed in a couple days, and you could still see fresh tears falling down his cheeks.

“MAMMON!”

You rushed forward, without wasting another moment, and tackled him into the tightest hug you could manage. You buried your face into his neck, while you straddled his lap, crying in relief.

Mammon had no idea what to do. One moment he had been in his room, wishing he could see you, and the next he was in a strange place with someone who looked an awful lot like you hugging him and calling his name. But it couldn’t really be you, could it? Hesitantly, he sat up so he could bring his arms around you, fearful that when he touched you you would be gone.

But you weren’t. Your body felt warm against his. He could hear your heartbeat. He could feel your tears, soaking through his shirt. As he tightened his arms around you, he realized he could even smell your favorite shampoo, and that was all it took to undo the last bit of self control he had. He pulled you as close as he could get you, one hand around your waist, the other around your torso, gripping your shoulder.

And he cried. All the tears that he had been trying to fight off. All the ones he avoided having shed up until now. He cried them all. His throat burned and ached, and he was pretty sure he was getting snot all over you by now, but neither one of you cared. You simply clung to one another, determined to never let the other go.

After what seemed like hours, your tears had finally run dry, and your heart rate was slowly returning to normal. You could still feel the adrenaline in your veins, and figured that probably wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.

You pulled back a little to try to get a look at Mammon, and when he kept trying to avoid your gaze, you took his face gently in your hands and turned him to look at you. Those beautiful sapphire eyes. They were still damp with tears, and you tenderly wiped them away as they fell while you looked at him.

“I love you, Mammon,” was all you said before pressing a kiss to his lips. Soft, and comforting, and gentle. You wanted him to know how much he meant to you. You felt him try to pull you even closer by the waist, and smiled as you broke away to look at him again.

“I missed you, you know.”

“But...how…?” Mammon was starting to become aware of the fact that this was reality, and he was most definitely no longer in the Devildom.

“Solomon. Don’t worry. I didn’t tell him anything. Just that I wanted to see you,” you pressed a sweet kiss to the tip of his nose, causing him to smile.

“So all that about going to the bathroom…?”

“Oh ha. That was just me summoning you.”

Mammon pulled you closer, and you wrapped your arms around his neck once more. He really was here. You had him again.

“Hey, why don’t we go take a bath?” you asked.

“A bath?”

“Yeah. I love you babe, but your hair kinda looks gross right now.”

“Oh,” he chuckled softly into your shoulder. He really couldn’t argue with that. It had been a few days since he had showered. Since he got out of bed even, besides quick trips to the bathroom.

“Come on,” you said, kissing him on the cheek before standing and helping him up, “Let’s get cleaned up and relax.”

Taking your hand, Mammon followed behind you as you led the way to the bathroom. This sort of thing would normally make him a flustered, blushing mess. But right now all he could think about was how amazing you were, and how good it would feel to hold you again. It had been so, so long since he had felt your skin against his. And he was desperate for your touch.

————

Reclining in the tub, Mammon leaned back against your chest, his eyes closed as he focused on the sensation of your hands just stroking his arms and shoulders. Occasionally he’d feel your lips on his neck, as you peppered him with kisses. It was the most relaxed he had been in months, and he was on the verge of falling asleep at any moment.

Everything was just so peaceful. It was like all that anxiety, and loneliness, and fear from before had never happened. Like it was some sort of bad dream that he had finally managed to awaken from. He was now safe in your arms, right where he belonged.

You watched as a soft smile spread across Mammon’s face, the sight of which made your heart warm. You were so incredibly thankful that you had made it in time. If things had taken longer...if Solomon hadn’t replied to his messages...you didn’t want to even think about that. It was too close for comfort for you.

But now that he was here, you were determined to wash away all his worries. You knew it would take time of course, you knew that better than anyone, but at least you were together now and the stress of your separation wouldn’t be adding to his pain. Now you could just reach out and touch him when you needed some reassurance. And he could hold you close when he felt alone.

You knew by the time morning rolled around, Lucifer would have noticed Mammon’s absence. You wondered how long it would actually take him to figure out he was with you. Once he did find out, you were sure you would be in for a long lecture, but you didn’t care. He could yell and threaten you all he wanted. It wouldn’t make a difference to you. You had Mammon with you again. And this time, you weren’t letting him go.

MAMMON’S POV IN PART TWO

#gn!mc #happy endings #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: suicide #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me mammon #mammon x mc #obey me fanfic #obey me angst #obey me comfort #mammon fanfic #mammon angst #mammon comfort

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popculturebuffet · 4 years

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Toons for Our Times: Star Vs: Demoncism

Halloween Havoc BEGINS! And with Tomtober this same month, i’m taking another of my on and off looks at Tom! Tom tries to tackle his literla nd figurative personal demons the natural way: by having a creepy anti-demon cult that’s never explained suck them out of his body. For some reason Star has a problem with this. We also get Ponyhead in a robe, the wonders of reflectcor and free toys from the toychest for being such a good boy. Face your demons under the cut.

Welcome boys, ghouls and that bootiful technicolor rainbow inbetween, to halloween havoc! MUAHAHHAHA. You might be wondering a few things. What the hell that is, isn’t that also the title of a bunch of old wcw pay per views, and have I gone insane. In order it’s usually my catchy term the past two years and this current one for my binging of halloween films and logging and reviewing them on my leterboxd account, but I decided to expand it to here since while it’s not my first halloween on here it’s the first both reviewing animation and planning ahead, I decided why not reuse a good title here. As for the wcw thing.. well yeah. It’s a great title, neither WWE, who I think still owns the copyright, nor WCW”s Heir Apparent AEW are using it right now despite being one of the best recurring Pay-Per-View titles either promotions had. Maybe not in actualy MATCH QUALITy but that name.. it just sings to me so i’m using it for my weird blog. I’m not making any money of this so why not. And as for my sanity that left a long time ago. So prepare for a month of ghouls, ghosts, goblins, lichs, scooby doo parodies, long forgotten characters, and some suprises and pies of all sizes. THIS... IS....

So to start us off, every year my pal @jess-the-vampire does a monthly event known as tomtober, a celebration of all things tom lucitor. And since I started hte tomtropsective for that and still am behind, I figured why not celebrate that, and the fact I can’t draw so I can’t do day 1 as a chat or anything, by continuing the tale of everyone’s faviorite teen demon. Thankfully unlike last time, or next time wink wonk, there’s not a TON of other plot stuff to fill in. There is one important bit not to this episode but to the series as a whole: Eclipsa is here, since Moon trying to screw her out of the deal she made backried once toffee actually died... as did you know keepiung him alive instead of dealing with eclipsa being free and having the comissoin to back her on it. Nice job moon. Real nice. So yeah Eclipsa’s around.. dosen’t effect this episode but given tom’s involved in two of the biggest plot important episodes in the show, AND one deals with the direct fallout of one of those episodes i’m probably going to have to cover her soon to get to more tom anyway so might as well prepare for that now.

So yeah this episode’s entreily a straight line from last time and opens picking up on the end of that episode: Star is calling tom wondering when their gonna get that Cornshake. Thankfully she gets an answer. Unthankfully.. it’s from a VERY sweaty ponyhead.

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So that was my own personal hell. Anyways she’s so.. sweaty.. GAHHHHHHH, because she’s keeping a secret and much like me she can’t keep her mouth shut about something she wants to talk about for very long, so we find out what she knows: SHe ran into tom who swore her not to tell Star he was getting a Demoncisim. Which suprises me.. not the demoncism thing the fact Pony would actually listen to anyone else.. Star included. LIke it’s the one thing about this episode that dosen’t quite fit: She’s such a selfish, toxic asshole, though Jenny Slate bless her makes her at least entertaining at times but even she has limits, it just dosen’t track she’d care what Tom thought unless we saw it for ourselves. Pony is ONLY capable of carring about star so while I could see tom framing it as for her own good, it’d be nice if the episode just came out and said that. It’d also be nice if we didn’t get sweaty ponyhead because that’s probably someone’s fetish and I.. OH GOD.

Okay now i’ve mentally snapped from that revelation, Star lasso’s pony when she tries to escape, and we find out the demoncism is pretty self explanatory: A cermony that removes demons from one’s body.. and given tom is you know, a demon, this could end bad. So with no idea where it’s being held and it going on now, giving them little if any time to figure it out, Star suggests going to pony’s ex.. she dosen’t remember which one and apologizes for how bitchy that sounded, but we find out it’s Seahorse, Pony’s love intrest for the rest of the series and a hardcore emo rocker who even made her a song.. which is just him destroying everything and screaming. Eh i’ve seen people in emowear do far dumber.

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If those are m and m’s their pretzel. Trust me I’m a professional lardass, I know my delcious candy coated choclates. Anyways our dynamic-ish duo head to Seahorse at his job at a relfectcor store, basically a phone store, and is basically a hollowed out shell of a human being with no real personality or free will of his own.. so THAT’S how we got Ted Cruz. Ponyhead natrually breaks down when he dosen’t recognize her at all, which is one of the few time’s i’ve actually cared about her feelings: I mean having your ex just.. forget you exist.. tha’ts rough buddy. I feel bad for her.. I didn’t know she had emotions. I thought her heart and brain were both a black hole.. mostly becasue I thought ponyhead’s hearts and brains were the same organ. Star does however manage to get the map they need to Tom.

Our heroines find the Demonicsim site and a bunch of creepy guys in robes iwth red glowing eyes.. who are never explained honestly. More on that in a minute. So ponyhead distracts them with one of the greatest gags in the series history

I mean just.. look at it. The way the robe drapes, the way her nose sticks out much like a certain penguins, the way she decides to distract everyone with petty minute like voting on robes.. it’s fucking great. I may not like pony a LOT but she can be really damn funny> The issues that she often isn’t funny enough to ofset her jackassery. Here though even with my jabs at her.. she works and I like it. So Star confronts Tom, wondering AGAIN if this is another half assed tactic to win her back.. and her flip flop attitude with tom is starting to annoy me. It fits her personality, and don’t get me wrong as i’ve made abudnatnly clear in past reviews his actions in blood moon ball and ESPECIALLY mr.candle cares were super not okay, so i’ts okay NOT to forget how badly things went last time when your considering getting back together with someone. It’s NOT okay however to hold it over someone’s head forever like any moment their going to snap back into being a manipulative doucheweasel when they’ve left you alone for around 8 months.. and Id id my calcualtion. The timeline of the show is pretty solid up to season 4: Season 1 was star’s 1st semister at echo creek academy, season 2 was her second and as it turned out final one, and season 3 covers Summer , fall and part of next spring. Though again how another summer dosen’t happen until towards the end of season 4 is dumb and I’ll probably rant about that at a later point. Point is since MCC was at the start of season 2, that means it happened around say january or feburary, with Demonicsim probably happening around say march. So he’s left you alone for around 8 months, silver bell ball included. It’s unfair to assume he’s still schemeing when he let you go months ago. H’es made it obvious via his .. everything he’d take you back in an instant, he’s just being patient and not pushing it because he’s no longer as big an asshole, and trying to be respectful. Cut him a break. Thankfully this gets put down quick with Tom explaning he wants to be better for himself: Like last time he was inspired by her trying to be better herself, and wants to.. but as we’ve established.. he dosen’t know HOW to be nice or a better person. He wasn’t raised in an enviroment that was really condusive to that as nice as his own parents are. Their the exception to the underworld being mostly dicks not the rule, as we’ll see next time. I.. can relate with my own issues with anxiety , depression and, yes, anger. I too have trouble keeping it in and hate feeling bitchy all the time or depressed and just want it to stop. I think anyone with a mental ilness just wants it to STOP to be gone and to be able to live a happy life. But there’s no magic button that fixes your issues, your traumas or your mental health like that. No pill that can fix it just ones that help ease it down to managable. And as i’ve learned the hard way YOU have to work at it, YOU have to make the effort. There’s no easy way out. And while Tom thinks htere is here, it’s very clear it’s a huge risk, and Star’s right that he shoudlnt’ go thorugh with it and that he could seriously hurt himself. But Tom’s in pain and just wants to be happy, to be normal, to be not angry anymore and I gotta tell you if , even if it was risky, there was a way to cure my depression or anger issues or anxiety, not my atuisim tha’ts part of me and not something that needs a fucking cure just more understanding and awarness, but if I could cure those other three things? I would. It’s paart of me sure but it’s a part of me I HATE. So I understand why tom’s doing this even despite the danger: because he’s at his wits end, desperate and this will help he hopes.. it can’t get WORSE, so why not? Evne if he’s wrong here i’ts hard not to understand why he’s so stubborn about it , for me at least. Star leaves, and takes Ponycloak with her and they go to punch trees: Both to relive and because Pony hates tree. Probably because she went to tree court once and they tried to send her to tree jail.

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I mean she’ll probably get thrown back in there for this but still. Anyways the exerocisim comes. And NOW we can talk about this cult and.. while I understand why they never came back, they were really only necessary for this, I wish they had. I mean a mysterious cult with the power to restrain someone as strong as tom, acess to anti-magic chains the ONLY time we see something like this outside of the comission, and a hatred of demons includign referring to Tom as “Son of the blight” meaning they clearly hate and would destroy Wrathmelor if they could, yet also function as a perfectly legal orginzation the comission or the lucitors themselves haven’t swatted yet. There’s a LOT to unpack here they never did. The leader is also hliarious alteranting between creepy overlord and your dentist after a long apointment as a kid. But the ritual begins and it .. dosen’t go well with tom getting glowy blue lines and thrashing about.. just like me when i watched Ridciulous 6. I also felt my soul was leaving my body but that was just wishful thinking. The cultists run and star runs back to Tom and we get a truly powerful and romantic scene. Unable to free him, Star just.. holds him and is there for him as he goes through this. If she can’t help him she’ll be there for him. And it’s really touching. We then cut to the hosptial tent at the cult, where the leader goes back to dad mode. Tom feels .. well worse, he just had surgery, as someone who had a tooth yanked out last month I can relate, and is suprised to see only one tiny soul demon as the sum of his anger. But it turns out, NOPE, being you know, the son of a rather powerful demon with a rather pwoerful b loodline, he’s FULL of them, and it woudl take 13 years to do this.. and tom’s naturally bummed because no one wants the equipvlent of having a wisdom tooth pulled a week for over a decade. Also because he now can’t get better.. but Star gently reassures him he’s already on the right track just by wanting to. As I said with most mental issues.. there’s no easy way out but it can get better if you put the work in and tom realizes.. there’s no quick way out after all. Just a long road.. but h’es not alone on it anyomore. But he at least gets a tiny demon in a jar and a toy out of the toychest for being a good boy.. and that’s nto me making shit up that’s the actual episode with him and star taking pinwheels and holding hands to Ponyhead’s annoyance. Which okay yeah they had a bad time last time I get tat Pony.. but your the last person to question ANYONE’S life decisions. Still I wish we’d had ane pisode of pony growing to accept them so we at least know WHY she’s so against it but oh well.

Final Thoughts: This was a good one. Is it hte best the show’s put out? Probably not as the first part drags slightly but the second half at the demoncisim is just good character stuff, good comedy, and has a good payoff. I honestly like this way more on the second watch. Though part of that is the context of the time: I admitted to being a starco shipper and having her get back with tom just felt like your standard “put a character in a relationship to complicate the main pairing” bullshit I always hate at this stage. Before anyone relaizes they like each other? Sure but at this point it was clearly just to drag things out. However with Marco getting progressivley worse and the two having good chemsitry.. I grew to like em.. and by the season finale, I just shipped all three together, before pivoting to marco and kelly. This couple grew on me for reasons w’ell geti nto as we go, even if it ended bad for reasons we’ll again get into. Oh we’ll get into them. With a knife. But yeah overall a great episode with a great concept, good character stuff, and some REALLY fucking funny gags. The show is damn good at comedy and I forget it sometimes. Next time we look at Tom, he’ll be in the background as Marco tries to help Kelly with a breakup. And sometime this month we’ll be looking at the halloween special which i’ll be watching for the very first time! So stay tuned, stay safe and Happy Halloween.

#halloween #tomtober #tomtober 2020 #tom lucitor #star vs the forces of evil #demoncism #star butterfly #startom #lilica ponyhead #seahorse #wrathmelor lucitor #reviews

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snowycrocus · 4 years

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The Spirit of Racing

Frozen 2 Fanfiction

Thanks to @blunaowl for this prompt of Elsa & Kristoff racing their trusty steeds!

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She really was different, Kristoff thought. And it wasn’t just that she let down her hair.

(Anna had had to tell him – “she didn’t cut it, you big buffoon, she let it loose!”)

Or something, Elsa had said, and he finally figured out what that something was, more or less.

It was acceptance. Confidence.

Now that Elsa knew who she was, why she was, it was as though everything that had been holding her back had suddenly evaporated into the air just as it did when she thawed her ice. Usually, anyway.

She smiled more, her arms were looser, and though she had always held herself ramrod-straight, her back seemed straighter not just out of impeccable posture, but out of self-assuredness.

It looked good on her.

Except, Kristoff thought, when that self-confidence was aimed against him.

Elsa’s long fingers clenched and unclenched around the Nøkk’s reins. Her eyes narrowed to slits and Kristoff watched as her legs flexed and tightened against her ride’s frozen sides.

In turn, Kristoff hunched down closer to Sven’s back. “We got this, buddy,” he whispered, and Sven huffed in agreement. His hoof pawed the ground in preparation for the count.

The sounds of cheers rang in his ears and he tried desperately to block them out and focus.

“Lady Elsa!” He heard someone scream. “May the spirits be with you!” Kristoff rolled his eyes. Lady Elsa was frickin’ sitting on one.

“Long live the King!” Another shouted, and Kristoff winced at the title. “May you ride fast and true!”

“Three!”

“Two!”

“One!”

The bell rang, and the roaring of the crowd compounded with Sven and the Nøkk’s hooves pounded in his ears…

---

It had all started out with an innocent question.

And ho, boy did he regret it now!

But after seeing Elsa ride the Nøkk for the umpteenth time across the fjord, he couldn’t help but ask:

“Where’d you learn to ride like that?”

“I didn’t,” she giggled softly. The hand no longer came up to cover her mouth. Not for the small bouts of laughter, anyway.

She elaborated at his furrowed eyebrows and Anna’s, “wait, what?”

“I haven’t ridden since I was a child, after…we were separated,” she started. She dismounted and greeted them both with a hug despite the rough topic.

“But we just kind of….fit,” she said, referring to the Nøkk. “His spirit of the water and the ice in me…they naturally are a part of each other. We had to learn to understand each other, back in the ocean while I was trying to reach Ahtohallan, but ever since then my power flows through his and we…it just feels like we’re the same spirit.”

“Aw, just like you and Sven, Kristoff!” Anna jokes. She’s taken off her tiara for the night in preparation for their weekly game night and sleepover, and her cheeks are pink and eyes bright with excitement.

“Well, we share the same mind, you know. Isn’t that right, Sven?”

“Sure is! You’re my spirit animal, Kristoff!” The girls chortle at the commentary.

“You two certainly do have a special way with each other,” Elsa yields.

“Sure do. Y’know, now that you’re more familiar with riding, you should give Sven a try sometime. Might come in handy, now that you live with all those reindeer. Not that they’re as good as you, buddy.” He ruffles the fur on Sven’s head.

Elsa puts her hand on her hip. “No need,” she says, raising an eyebrow slyly, a taunting smile forming on her lips. Kristoff knows that smirk. “I like to go fast, anyway.”

Sven harrumphs, and Kristoff feels his own hackles rising. “Um, excuse me? Are you saying we don’t go fast?”

“Wellll…..” Elsa trails off, running her fingers down the Nøkk’s back, and looks back at him with a challenging grin. “I didn’t say it.”

“Ohhhhh boy!” Anna rubs her hands together excitedly. She senses what’s coming, shooting eager glances between the two people she loves most.

“Is that a challenge?” Kristoff straightens his back and strides up to Elsa. He hopes it feels as intimidating as he wants it to be. She may be some special-spirit-whatever, but as he looks down his nose at her he tries to convey that he will defeat her if necessary in a race.

Sven stalks up to the Nøkk and snorts in front of the water horse’s snout. The Nøkk rears back and stomps both front hooves, releasing a sudden spray of water that drenches Sven. He sputters and runs behind Kristoff.

Kristoff shakes his head in loving disbelief. “You two may run fast on water and ice,” he starts, arms folding to cross over his chest. “But me and Sven have you two beat on land.”

“Sven and I,” Elsa corrects, “and you’re on.”

---

After hearing the challenge, Anna, as queen, had a racing track built around the outskirts of the city of Arendelle.

“Ooh, this is perfect!” She had exclaimed, fanning her hands out in front of her as she imagined the scene. “This’ll create jobs and give the people something to look forward to! Everyone will want to celebrate the race between our former-queen-turned-ice-spirit and the King consort!”

Sure enough, she was right. Hundreds had come to watch the competition unfold between two of the three most talked-about people in the Kingdom. Bets were placed, people clamored to get the closest spots to the racetrack, food was brought and passed around.

The Nøkk may be magical, Kristoff thinks, but he’s used to only running on water, not land and snow. Surely he and Sven have the home advantage.

And that seems to be the case at first. For the first few minutes, Kristoff can hear the even, steady stride of the Nøkk from behind Sven. The path isn’t easy, and he feels confident that the uneven terrain and obstacles will keep Elsa and her spirit-horse safely behind. There are dips in the ground, crusts of icy snow, and hidden branches buried in the fallen powder. He and Sven were born for this environment. A magical being? Maybe not so much.

He internally cheers when he hears Elsa’s brief cry of alarm when the Nøkk stumbles over a snow-buried log. Looking back to make sure she’s alright, he finds he’s shocked to find his competitors are much, much closer than he had thought.

“Let’s go, Sven,” he urges his friend.

He hangs on as Sven puts forth a burst of speed, only to be taken aback when he hears a grunt from Elsa sidling up right next to him.

Her cheeks are flushed a bright pink, excitement dancing in her eyes and concentration furrowing her brow. She’s created riding trousers for herself, though her feet are bare as they always seem to be nowadays.

And of course, she’s wearing a cape. It soars out behind her from the wind, taunting Kristoff as she and the Nøkk surpass them.

Kristoff taps Sven, who’s beginning to pant with the effort to regain his first place spot. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Sven looks back for a second to give Kristoff a grin, then lunges forward to grip Elsa’s cape in his teeth. He pulls back…..

Elsa startles at the tug.

But then her eyes narrow, glinting, and she cocks one of those classic Elsa smirks. One hand raises from the Nøkk’s reins to snap her fingers.

The cape disconnects from her fitted top, sliding off of her shoulders….and right into Sven and Kristoff’s faces.

“Arghhh!” Kristoff shouts as he desperately tries to throw the cape off so they can see once again. Sven has to come to a stop to avoid running straight into a tree.

By the time he throws off the cape, mere seconds later, Elsa and the Nøkk are gone.

---

“This is so not fair!” Kristoff exclaims as he watches Elsa accept a trophy from Anna. “They’re magical!”

People from the kingdom cheer for Lady Elsa while others shoot depressed glares at their King consort while paying their lost bet.

Elsa laughs, waving to her fans that she just made much richer. She slides her hand over the Nøkk’s nose and feeds him an ice carrot. Sven looks on in jealousy.

“I didn’t hear you complaining when Olaf’s magic and rearranging helped you two win charades,” she argues, one slim eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, well… that’s different!”

Even Sven snorts at that.

“Don’t worry too much,” Elsa chides him, “I’m sure among the average human and reindeer you both would be considered very fast.” She winks. Kristoff can’t help but smile at her easygoing banter and cheerfulness. She deserves it now.

Elsa gives Kristoff an extremely quick hug and Sven a light pat before heading off to meet with her clamoring child admirers.

“Oh, c’mere you big loser!”

Anna plants a big kiss on his cheek, and Kristoff flushes in both embarrassment and pleasure.

He may not be a magical winner, but sometimes he sure does feel like one.

---

Let me know what you think! Many thanks to @blunaowl for the prompt!! Forgive me if this is a bit weak as I’m not used to writing stuff without angst. @frozenbassist and @justlookatthosesausages you both mentioned you’d want to read this so tagging you.

This inspired me for Frozen 2 ice bros, and now I’ve got lots of ideas to write, coming soon!

#frozen 2 #elsa #frozen #kristoff #anna #frozen fanfiction #fanfiction #ice bros #frozen2

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freedom-shamrock · 5 years

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Bi the Pricking of my Thumbs

Huge thanks to @galahadwilder for letting me play in your sandbox!

For those just tuning in, this story comes from THIS post. In case it’s not obvious, this is a piece in honor of pride month. It's safest to assume that no one is straight or cis in this story. If this is a problem for you, if Bi-drien and Bi-nette have no place in your head, this is probably not the story for you, and it would be better for both of us if you just take a hard pass and skip it. Sincere questions are welcome, but bi-phobia will not be tolerated.

Note: Chat’s father is a bigoted fuckwad, and Marinette knows the stats for poor outcomes for queer kids.

Also on AO3.

Chapter 1

"What do you think?" Marinette held up a sketch for Tikki to see the minor modification she wanted to make to her superhero look for the month of June.

"Very tasteful," Tikki said, clapping her little nubs together happily. As she examined the pink, blue and purple striped ribbons. "They’re clearly a nod to your own sexuality, helping bring awareness and visibility, while remaining your usual professional Ladybug self." She swooped in and nuzzled her holder's cheek. "It's so nice to see society changing their perspective on this matter."

"I can't wait to show Chat." At seventeen, she truly felt her partner was her best friend. Sure, she had very good friends in her civilian life, and some of them even unknowingly backed her up in battle now and again, but over time Chat's unwavering support had risen above the rest. About nine months after getting their miraculous, Master Fu started meeting with them to learn more about their individual specialties and powers. He gave them homework and exercises to work on both alone and together. Despite the covert nature of their time together, it had had the intense bonding impact of a week away at camp, adding to their already strong friendship.

While she still insisted they maintain their secret identities, she'd relaxed a lot as she'd grown more confident and sure of herself as both Ladybug and Marinette. She was no longer opposed to sharing personal details that wouldn't identify them, though in the last year she'd gradually accepted that a reveal wouldn't be such a bad thing. It had been nice to really get to know and understand her partner. Given his isolated upbringing and cold father, it made sense that he'd needed to learn proper social etiquette for pursuing someone romantically. She'd been gratified when he met up with her for training one evening with a heartfelt apology for his self-described "dudebro behavior." He'd been respectful and appropriate ever since.

"Didn't Chat say he was planning on coming out this month?" Tikki asked. "In his civilian life?"

Marinette nodded. “That’s part of why I want to do this, this year. I want to support him for a change.” He'd seen and heard how her own process worked for her. At fifteen, Ladybug came out as bi, letting her test the waters and see if she could handle the reaction without a super suit to deflect the cruelty she expected to follow. The following year, Marinette made it clear to those who hadn't already figured it out. Since it wasn't something she'd actively hidden, it wasn't a big surprise to her friends and family, though it was confirmation for those who didn't already know for sure.

Last year the two heroes had been asked to speak at Paris Pride Fortnight, and Chat Noir made a beautiful heartfelt speech at Tour Montparnasse, ultimately revealing that he wasn't merely a supportive ally, but that he was also bisexual. Only Ladybug knew that her sweet and kind partner was still very firmly in the closet as his unmasked self. She'd been the person he went to when he was starting to question his sexuality, and she'd been first person he'd told once he felt he knew where on the scale he landed. She suspected she was still the only one who knew, and she was excited and hopeful that his friends would be as supportive as hers were.

"It's about time to meet up with him," Marinette said. Technically it was a little early, but Chat was often early to their trainings. It got him out of his house and let him feel free. "Can we give the new ribbons a test run?"

"Of course!" Tikki said brightly. "You know the words."

* * *

Chat looked the part of an utterly dejected kitten when she found him atop the Eiffel Tower. He didn't even try to fake it when she zipped up to their favorite beam and landed beside his hunched form. He glanced at her, a deep hurt clear in his eyes before he returned his gaze to Paris. "Hey Bug," he said softly.

"May I hug you?" She was pretty sure of the answer, but she needed to be sure. "You look like you need a hug or thirty-six."

He let out a totally unamused snort. "I would love a hug, and I'm not sure thirty-six even comes close to what I need." His voice sounded rough, something she'd learned happened when he'd fought with his father. Shouting and crying were hard on him.

She threw her arms around him, pulling him close. "I'm happy to listen if you want to talk about it. But we can also sit quietly if that would help you more. It's entirely your call."

He took a shuddering breath and burrowed into her shoulder.

"Oh Kitty, I'm so sorry," she murmured, moving to lean against an upright beam so she could better hold his weight. "Whatever it is, I'm here for you."

After many long minutes, he seemed to relax, the shakiness had passed. "It's my father," he muttered. "But you probably already guessed that."

She was starting to think the biggest danger in revealing identities was that she'd straight up murder his father once she knew who he was. The abusive fuckwad.

"I told him that I planned to come out as bi in the next few days, and… I knew he wouldn't like it, so I'd done my research. I had a whole presentation on my planned social media announcements and stuff. I had statistics to show that it wouldn't hurt in faaa - our line of business." He let out a heavy sigh.

"It didn't go well?" She wished everyone had parents like hers. So supportive and loving.

"Ha!" He let out a mirthless laugh. "Apparently, he didn't realize I wasn't straight." He sat up, rubbing angrily at his face. "I guess that means I've done a good job at hiding it, or maybe he really pays as little attention to me as my friends say."

She caught his hand. "Did he hurt you?"

He cringed and she wished she could take back her words at the pain they obviously caused. "I have no illusions that he loves me. I'm not sure he's capable of it. And I kind of thought he didn't feel anything, that maybe he wasn't human enough to have emotions anymore, but the disgust… the absolute revulsion he feels for me being bi… it hurt far more than any slap or punch could have."

She scowled out at the lights of Paris. "Just so we're clear here, I hate your father. I've never really hated anything, not truly hated it before. It's kind of a gross feeling."

"Yeah. I know what you mean." His voice was soft, and she wondered how many times he tried to convince himself that he didn't really hate his father. "Anyway, I… I don't think it's going to be possible for me to be public about my sexuality until I move out. He hauled out his usual array of threats if I go against his wishes and come out as planned."

"Oh my god, is he Hawkmoth?" she demanded. "Because he sure as hell is having a go at being Paris' greatest villain." She shook her head. "You're seventeen. You know how you feel, and science is behind us on this. Sexuality isn't binary and all evidence suggests that treating your queer kids like there's something wrong with them increases their risk of alcohol and drug use, depression, and suicide." Though she had to miss more meetings than she wanted, she'd joined the Lycee chapter of the Gender and Sexuality Alliance in her first year there. Lots of people thought she was just being supportive of Marc since it was also the year they started collaborating on cross disciplinary projects. With the meetings she’d made it to, she'd learned more than she'd ever wanted to know about poor outcomes for teens like them.

She turned to give Chat a full once-over. "You're not okay, Chat. And that's fair. It would be unreasonable to expect you to be okay while living in the home of a man who finds your sexuality disgusting. For your own well-being, I think you need to start looking at getting out of there as soon as you can. Whether you get your own place, or you stay with friends, you need to get out of that house."

He nodded, looking a bit surprised by her vehemence.

"You're beautiful and amazing, and I'm so proud of you." She caught his face in both her hands. "You are perfect the way you are. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you."

Even in the low light, she caught the warm flush of pink in his cheeks. "Thanks, Milady."

"And I need you to do me a favor." She picked up one of his hands, clasping it firmly between hers.

"Anything," he whispered.

"I need you to tell me immediately if you ever feel like harming yourself.” She was completely serious, and she saw surprise on his face.

“Oh, I’d never…”

She shook her head. “No Chat. You may think you’d never, right now. But that can change. And it can change so fast.” She squeezed his hand. “You may feel like you’re deflecting your father’s hostility and negative reaction, but some of that gets through. And it will every time. It will add up, and it can suffocate you. So promise, please.”

Understanding washed away the surprise. He nodded.

“I need you, Kitty,” she said gently. “I really can’t do this without you. I wouldn’t have the heart to keep doing it.”

His smile was weak and watery, but it was sincere. “Thanks Milady.”

“And you’ll work on getting out of the house?” she asked, certain it was the long-term solution he really needed.

“I’m going to need to think that one over a bit more,” he admitted with a shrug. “There’s… a lot to consider.”

“There is,” she agreed. “And if you can’t figure it all out, let me know. I’ll help. I’ll find you a place to stay if need be.”

He hugged her again, for a long moment.

As she tightened her grip on him, she considered what else he could to to feel better. “Maybe you should find one friend, one person who you know will absolutely not blab to others, and let them know. You deserve to have someone in your regular life who you can share this stuff with.”

“It seems unfair to burden any of my friends with this secret,” he admitted.

“My Maman has a saying about that,” she pointed out. “A burden shared, is a burden halved. Just make sure it’s someone who will respect your need for secrecy.”

“I’ll think about it,” he agreed. “Like seriously and for real.

-------------------------

Check out Chapter Two >>

--------------------------

This was supposed to be a quick one shot, but I now expect it to be 3-4 chapters.

And if you’re so inclined, feel free to support me over on Ko-Fi

#Miraculous Ladybug #fanfic #Pride #bi pride #galahadwilder #Bi-drien #Bi-nette #my writing #Bi the Pricking of my Thumbs #unsupportive parents #discussion on future potential for self harm #biphobic parent

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localrobosexual · 5 years

Text

hewwo my fwiends it's currently real Loving Seaside Hours™ again as spurred by talking to a blessed pal of mine earlier today about our comfort characters, so as I'm tryina ride out this thunderstorm going on outside so I can actually go to sleep I'm just gonna take a moment and gush about this robot and how and why he means so much to me, that alright w y'all lmao

putting a breaker on this bc I already know it's gonna get long and ramble-y lmao. Not gonna mind if u skip this over and don't bother reading it, I just wanna kinda shout into the void about my ocs a bit, don't mind me!

HEY SO YEE I JUST RLLY RLLY LOVE MY BIG DUMB ROBOT SO SO MUCH AAAAAA HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I COULD NEVER SELL OR TRADE HIM EVER AND I JUST WISH I HAD MORE DISPOSABLE INCOME TO USE TO JUST BUY MORE COMMISSIONS OF HIM BECAUSE GOD EVERY TIME I DRAW HIM AND EVERY TIME SOMEONE ELSE DOES TOO MY HEART JUST FUCKIN SWELLS W LOVE AND HAPPINESS!!!!! THIS ONE LITTLE TRANSFORMERS OC DOES THAT MUCH!!!!!!!! AND ITS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA

ok but. For real now, besides my initial screams that I had to get out hksjdks. Y'all wanna hear some insight into what all went into making him and why he means so much to me and all. Strap in bc it's gonna get Real

let's start with something pretty well known. Maybe not coming from me but a well known fact regardless lmao. Truth be told I wrote out from the paragraph below this one to the bottom without writing an introduction first and I'm too tired to try to come up with anything good now so uh. Hopefully this isn't too jarring hkshdksk my bad y'all my bad.

Anyways. Mental health! Fucked mental health! that's so much fun right!!

Haha yeah. Nah. We all know this. Being depressed is rlly wack y'all. It fuckin messes up ur head big time. I still don't know if I have downright depression, because I still haven't been properly diagnosed, and I never rlly associated my symptoms and the way I was feeling with depression bc it didn't line up with the stereotypical symptoms of depression, so I was (and still am) just calling it my "existential crisis". That was rlly the only word I could use to describe it. And it was dark and it was lonely and crushing and so, so awful. Despite the fact that I had an extremely loving and supportive friend group, I was always, ALWAYS afraid of speaking up about it. Despite them and all, I still felt super SUPER alone in the way I was feeling about life, my future, and my general purpose. This was all just reinforced by my parents and other adults in my life who I tried to come to in the past who would brush me off by saying I was overreacting, or that I'll "figure it out, because everybody does", or just generally not really understanding or showing any empathy at all. It took my entire life up until SENIOR YEAR ENGLISH CLASS when I went to my teacher about how I was feeling about a certain project that was triggering my symptoms, and that was the first time in my life when any adult had actually shown any sort of understanding or sympathy towards me and my feelings. That was the first time in my life where my mental struggles were validated by someone I respected and held to high regard.

But I still felt so very very alone, with no one to really talk to or who I knew was going through the same thing as me. So I ended up just,, , making someone who did.

Fun fact, before I really went ham on his development, Seaside was just gonna be a one-off oc with a happy go-lucky attitude and not much else about him. It was only until I heard the song What We Will Never Know (which later ended up becoming one of his theme songs bc of this) for the first time that I decided "WAIT,,. ,, BUT,, , WHAT IF,,. , ,,, , I MADE HIM SAD TOO" pretty much hkHKDJDJSK and that's what kick started his development!!

here I was, this sad, depressed, deeply lonely bitch with a love for making characters who played on extensions of myself, finally able to make something to cope with how awful I was feeling all the time. And that's what Seaside kinda was to me at first, he was my coping mechanism for working through hard bouts of my existenial crisis. I crafted his backstory to fit EXACTLY what I was going through at the time. He was content but never truly happy with how his life had been for as long as he could remember, then something exciting and new happens and he's suddenly thrust into a brand new world with so many new possibilities, but as he starts to settle in he realizes just how lost and alone he truly is in this new environment and he doesn't know where to go or what to do with himself. This is literally, EXACTLY a point-to-point retelling of my experience going through high school, graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with my life all with my mental health rapidly deteriorating around me. And having someone like that in my life, even fictional, even one I literally made up myself, made me feel better. I'd daydream scenarios of of us going on little adventures at the beach at night where no one else would see him in robot mode (gotta keep up the disguise aspect and all), but mostly it was just us hanging out, usually cuddled up to each other bc it gets cold on the beach at night, looking up at the stars, chillin and talking and just taking comfort in each other's presences and knowing that we weren't alone in our struggles. And I KNOW that sounds super stupid and cringey and dumb but like, that's genuinely what made, and still does, make me happy and it's what I used to help me hold on just a little longer to get through some of the really rough periods of my existenial crisis. When it got super bad, when I still even couldn't tell my closest friends about how low I was feeling, I still at least had Seaside with me to help me cope.

it wasn't until it got to the point where I was pretty much (lovingly) forced to wake up to the reality that I was rapidly becoming genuinely suicidal that things finally started to change, even just a little bit. I only very recently finally started to get my mind right, I finally told my parents the whole truth about how I was feeling, I got put on some meds that are honestly doing WONDERS for me rn, and I'm definitely in a much better place mentally then I was just a few months ago. I certainly still have a long way to go, but for now I'm just trying to enjoy the ride and just soak up and relish in the fact that I'm, for the first time in years, genuinely going about my days just happy to be out here living life without constantly being weighed down by the soul crushingly empty sorrow that hung over me 24/7. (and to said close group of friends, if you're indeed reading this, this may be the first time you're hearing about what I've been going through all the time, and if that's the case, I'm gonna have to kindly ask that you not come to me about it. I'll know when I'm ready to talk about this openly, but now I don't think I am. I'm really sorry to have kept it from y'all for so long, it really was just eating me up inside, but I think I explained myself well enough)

so now that I'm doing much better mentally, Seaside's outlook has kinda changed, but at the same time, not really?? he's still my comfort character for sure, always will be, but now he's not so much a coping mechanism as he is just a solid source of happiness and peace to turn to every now and again. This one little transformers oc just genuinely makes me really really happy, and I love to just soak it all in and feel every little thing!! We still share the not knowing what we're doing with our lives aspect of ourselves, but now it's a little less completely lost and anguished and hopeless and a little more hopeful and reassuring. Things are gonna be ok. We'll figure this out at our own pace. And we'll still have each other to turn to at every step of the way.

there's a lot of different kinds of comfort energies that many different kinds of comfort characters give off, and different ones resonate more with different people. The most common one I'll see at least is a kind of is parental comfort, someone you can come to for guidance in life because they have the experience to advise you on what to do and can be almost a better pseudo-parental figure. Mom friend types, loving dad energy, that kind of thing. Someone to protect you and give you big strong hugs and stuff. Seaside gives off a similar yet very different kind of comfort energy to me. It's not parental in any way because he's far too young (relatively, even in Cybertronian standards. He'd be like, mid to late 20s in human years) and inexperienced, and, frankly, still a little too naive and unknowing about a lot of things to really be someone to turn to for guidance or just generally be a pseudo-parental figure, but instead, he's just a good friend. He's a perfect kind of friend that'd stand by your side and will always be there for you through the ups and downs of life, someone who knows how to cheer you up when you're sad, someone you can share a solidarity in where you know you're experiencing the exact same struggles. He's just a good shoulder to lean on and a constant reminder that I'm never alone. And I couldn't ask for anything better tbh

so yeah. There's my ramble I guess lmao. To sum it up rlly I just love this big dumb robot w all my heart and soul and I'm so so glad I made him 💕💕💕

#words of meg #meg's ocs #seaside #ramble #tw: suicidal thoughts #existenial crisis #i debated writing this at all but i really need to just go and make myself Actually Do the things i Want To Do w my ocs so #yee #even if i get little to no feedback thats ok #i still made something #so this is kinda my attempt at trying to start that lmAO #rlly poured my heart out here huh #oof lmao

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sunsetswurve · 5 years

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Overcome / Numb (G.D) part 1

"Woah, hey, please stop working yourself up. Breathe. No like really, deep breath in. Hold it. Now let it out slow. Okay. Good. That's really good. Tell me what you're thinking, Sky, please. Don't keep whatever it is you're feeling in. Please?" Grayson was sitting across from me, hands on my shoulders.

Skylar Martins has been going through a lot, mentally and emotionally. She’s lost in her own head. Everything is getting worse for her and she feels like she’s all alone, even when people are asking her if she’s okay. Feeling like a burden and a problem, she’s set on her life being like this from now on because there is no way out for her. That is until an old friend pops back into her life, seeing through her lies and getting her to see there’s more to life than what she’s doing.

A/N: Sooooo I’ve been going thru some rough stuff and this is the first time in a while I’ve written something. It’s been even longer since I posted any writing on the internet. Depression and anxiety are talked about. Suicidal thoughts are mentioned so trigger warning for that. Also, I’m not sure if this is going to be a friend!Grayson or like a relationship. heck I’ve always been bad at continuing stories so who even knows how far this will go. All depression and anxiety writing is from my own experience, I’m not trying to romanticize it or anything and i’m definitely not trying to make it that Grayson “cures” the main character. Let me know what you think, just please go easy on me <3

"Skylar, are you getting out of bed today? Don't you have work?" My mother asked from my doorway.

"Called out." I mumbled under my covers.

"You okay?" she asked, concern filling her voice.

"Yeah, I'm just tired and have a migraine."

"How are you tired? you've been in bed for the past 3 days. AND you've called out one day each week for the last month just to stay in your room. Do you even have sick time anymore?"

"Yes mom. Dont worry, I have enough hours. I just need to rest."

"Okay, we'll see when you lose your job for missing too much work. This isnt working Skylar. What’s going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." Lies. Truth was my depression was the worst it's ever been. I haven't had any energy to do anything.

"Have you been taking your pills?"

"Yes." Lies. I don't care to anymore. It's ridiculous that I have to depend on stupid pills to be a normal human. If this is who I'm supposed to be. What’s the point.

"Bullshit." She rolled her eyes and slammed my door. I heard her go down the stairs and the front door slammed shut also. Nice. Very mature, mother. See, I'm so miserable and annoying my mother doesn't even care anymore. Just leaves me here to rot. I sighed and rolled over, looking at my phone. It was 2 in the afternoon. This is what my life has come to at 23 years old. Alone. Stuck in my room.

I used to try. I used to have energy to try and fight this. But recently its gotten harder and harder to get out of bed. I can see everyone's worried looks and heads shaking with disapproval, but its like there's this wall between what I know I should do to help this and myself. I'm stuck in this cloud of self doubt, self hatred. I hate that I'm like this. I see myself getting worse and yet I just can't put myself out there to say anything to anyone or express what I'm feeling.

To be honest, I'm not even sure what I'm feeling. Numb, mostly. I'm just sick of being alone. I've always felt like I'm the third wheel in all situations. Always in a group of three friends, but the other two were closer and there was me. I've always been a shy person but after high school and stuff I went through in my first year of college, it got worse. I get nervous meeting new people, but I'm also nervous talking to people I haven't seen in awhile. I mean yeah, I have my family and even though I was that third person with friends, I still had friends. I'm also so close to my family. My cousin's been one of my best friends since I was born. But she's gotten pretty serious with her girlfriend so I'm pushed to the side once again. Not to mention they're talking about moving to the other side of the country. It's just gonna get worse.

I sound so selfish. But these are the thoughts that run through my head constantly throughout the day. Its all consuming. I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone.

With everyone in the house gone, I go downstairs and grab some cookies in the cabinet and sit in front of the tv. I'll be here for the next few hours until my parents and/or brother come home and then I'll head back upstairs. This is how it's been, avoiding everyone and eating junk to try and make myself feel less numb than I have been. I was switching on netflix when my phone buzzed.

"Hey Skylar, haven't talked to you in awhile. how have you been?" It was a text from Grayson. One of those friends I haven't talked to and don't freaking know how to talk to anymore because I'm a mess. I re-read the message a few times and wonder what I should respond with.

oh ya know, just wondering if I'll finally grow the balls to end my life or keep living in the hell I've created for myself. Oh yeah, that'll go down swimmingly.

"Hey, I've been fine, just working. How are you?"

"Oh are you working today? Could use a hair cut haha ;)" people only talk to you when they need something from you, they don't really care about how you're doing, silly.

"I'm actually off today, Gray." I turned back to the television, desperately trying not to dwell on the thought that he only wants to know what I'm doing just so I can do his hair. I understand with being a hairstylist that people want me to do their hair but its like. Even the people I see constantly do this, they see my behavior has changed, I'm not the happy person I was before. They've asked me how I'm doing -- at the most inopportune times, mind you. But if you think there is something really wrong, you shouldn't want to ask me while you're on hold with our supervisor, this conversation WILL end up with me sobbing and I really really don't think you're ready for it, Margaret so of COURSE I'm going to say I'm fine. A few minutes later, my phone lets out another buzz.

"Do you want to hang out?" That's different. No one's asked me that recently. Not that I'm the best person to hang out with right now, with the buzzkill I've become. I don't answer. Let's add "flaky" to the long list of flaws I've developed over the passed couple of months. Sometimes it's just easier to act like nothings happening. I turn over on the couch and fall asleep.

..only to be woken up 20 minutes later to the doorbell ringing

The hell? We live on a secluded dead end, no one ever comes here unless its planned, like ever. I open the door to reveal Grayson Dolan on my doorstep with a small grin on his face.

"Gray, what are you doing here?" I ask opening the door more for him to step inside.

"When you didn't answer my text, I figured you fell asleep because you've always loved your naps" he chuckled, since he could tell from the look of confusion on my face that is exactly what happened.

"ohhh" I'm not sure what else to say, honestly. I told you I haven't been the best with conversations lately.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asks, taking in my disheveled appearance and greasy looking hair. Greasy looking because I haven't showered in days. Ya know, the things that happen with depression the internet and media don't tell you about when they're glorifying it for their aesthetic.

"Uhhh yeah. I haven't washed my hair in a few days. Look Gray I don't think--"

"No Skylar, really, are you okay? I was scrolling through twitter, saw one of your tweets and it's concerning."

"oh uh.. it's nothing, its just shit that comes to mind at night when I can't sleep." I say, hoping he doesn't press anymore. When I feel really low and don't know what to do, I let it out on twitter, no ones ever said anything before about it so I thought it didn't matter or they didn't care or whatever. It's been like this for years, so this really caught me off guard.

"Are you sure?" no.

"Yes." He gave me a look that definitely said he wasn't convinced, but shrugged anyway.

"Okay, so what are we watching?"

"Oh um, I'm catching up on Supernatural."

"Nice!"

"Gray do you even watch Supernatural?"

"No, but if you're watching it, I'll watch it with you. I wanna hang out and you're not busy. I miss you, so let's go! press play already." I gave him a weird look, this is different. Usually Grayson is really busy between doing stuff with Ethan and/or filming.

"What's going on? Where's Ethan? You two are inseparable."

"He's doing some stuff today. Tattoo and other errands. He'll be gone until tonight."

ahh, so he's just here because Ethan is busy and has nothing better to do

"What was that?"

"What do you mean?"

"You just got this disappointed and annoyed look on your face. What are you thinking, Sky?"

"It's nothing."

"Listen, I know we haven't talked in months but this is not the Skylar I've known for years and I know you're not okay no matter what you're saying behind that fake smile. I'm not going to push it. You don't have tell me right now. But I'm here for you, even if we just sit and watch TV, okay?" My jaw dropped a little, I was not expecting this. Especially since we haven't talked in a while. But Gray has always been able to sense when I'm feeling off. So I'm not too surprised. But to still want to hang around me even if I don't want to talk, like damn, that's so sick of him.

"Thanks G." I say, smiling slightly and lean into his shoulder, a small gesture to show my appreciation. We focused in on the tv and got lost in it for the next few hours.

I didn't notice how many episodes we got through until the front door opened and my mother stepped in.

"Wow. You're out of your room AND someone is here? I'm shocked." She said sarcastically and turned to Grayson. "Hi honey, are you staying for dinner?"

"Hi Mrs. Martins. I'd love to."

"Good! I'm glad someone's been able to get her out of bed." my mother comments as I roll my eyes and continue to focus on the television. I could feel Grayson gaze on me though, I kept facing forward, hoping he would let it go and thankfully, he did. I couldn't focus back into the show though. He knows somethings wrong. But like he really knows. And I'm gonna have to tell him something soon or he'll just be wasting his time and get sick of me just like everyone else. I started biting my nails as I watched forward feeling anxious and sick of myself.

"hey do you still have your PS4?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Do you wanna go play some before dinner?"

"I don't really have any two player games."

"That never stopped us before. We can take turns doing stupid stuff on GTA?"

"Wow I haven't played that in the longest time."

"Lets go!" He said, standing up and waiting for me to follow him upstairs to where we have the playstation set up. I slowly stood up and went along with him. "Remember when we used to play online all of the time?" He asked as I set it up.

"Yeah, remember how angry Ethan would get when asshole twelve year olds would kill us before we could even do anything in the game and I had to figure out how to start a server for just us?"

"Oh man, back when we were living in apartments our neighbors would get PISSED at how loud he would yell."

"And I'd be up here swearing, thinking no one could hear me but one day my mother came up here PISSED because I dropped the f bomb like a million times in a minute."

"She lectured all three of us the next time me and E came over." We both laughed at the memory.

After some time, my mother called up, letting us know dinner was ready. My brother and father were both home now and we all sat down for our meal.

“Grayson! It's been so long since you've been over! How are you and your brother doing?" My father asked

"We're good, Mr Martins. We're working on some new video ideas and Ethan is getting stuff for it today."

"That's great to hear. Its nice to see Skylar out of her room and have company over for once. She's just been in her room for months."

"Dad. seriously?" I ask, do we have to talk about how I'm fucked up at dinner?

"Well she doesn't help herself if she's not taking her medications." My mom comments not looking up from her plate.

"Mom!"

"Skylar why aren't you taking your meds?" My dad turns to me, everyone turns to me actually. I feel my face start to heat up with all of the unwanted attention. My anxiety rising for being put on the spot like this when Grayson was here, or anyone actually.

"And we wonder why I'm finding excuses to not sit out here with you guys all of the time?" I say, rolling my eyes before standing up and hurrying up the stairs to my room.

----

I go into my room and throw myself on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Now he's definitely gonna know I'm not okay. He's definitely gonna walk talk to me about that and probably try to help. He'll stick around for a week or two, see how annoyingly sad and stubborn I am and give up. Just like everyone else has when I've been like this in the past. As if he could hear my thoughts, I hear a knock and Grayson quietly say my name, trying to not disturb the silence.

I look up but don't make a move.

"Sorry you had to awkwardly witness all of that." I mumble. He comes in, gently shutting the door behind him. He lays next to me, also looking up at the ceiling.

"You know they're just worried about you, right?"

"I know," I sigh.

"You also know I'm worried about you, right?"

"Don't be."

"How can I not? Your tweets are literally screaming that you're not okay. You aren't taking care of yourself and distancing yourself from everyone trying to help you." My eyes start filling up with tears and my breathing start to get heavy. My skin is on fire, feeling like hot pins and needles are stabbing me all over. "Skylar?"

I can't say anything. It's like the floodgates have been opened. I dont feel numb anymore but I feel everything. Hurt, sad, angry and frustrated. All I do is curl into a ball, sobbing and gasping for air. I feel Grayson try and pick me up to bring me closer to him but I push him away. It feels like I'm being smothered with nothing touching me at all. I know he means well but when I'm like this, touching doesn't help. I feel him start to pull away, probably to get my mother since somethings wrong and he doesn't know what he should do. but I grab his hand and shake my head.

"Panic attack. Stay. Give me a few minutes." I manage to get out between strangled sobs. He nods, staring at me with worry. I'm not surprised he's freaked out. Usually when I have panic attacks like this I'm not around anyone, so he definitely hasn't seen me like this before. My mother has only heard me have them because I used to call her when I was in college. That was when they started to get really bad. He doesn't let go of my hand though, it would be hard to with me squeezing it, trying to ground myself while focusing on my breathing.

It feels like an eternity, but it was probably just a few minutes later when my breathing slowed and the pins and needles sensation had left. I let go of Grayson's hand and wipe my face, groaning once it really hit me that I just had a panic attack in front of someone for the first time in so long.

"I'm so sorry about that Gray"

"Did you just have a panic attack?"

"Yeah, again, so sorry"

"Don't be! You know I have panic attacks too. I've just never seen you have one and you've always been okay with hugging and stuff so that just threw me, I didn't know how to help you."

"I usually have them at night or I'm not near anyone when they do happen. Uh, I uh feel like I can't breathe and my skin feels like it's on fire and I'm getting stabbed with hundred of needles all over my body so I freak out even more when people try to touch me when they happen.

"Jesus, Skylar. Why don't you tell anyone you're going through this?"

"I don't know" I shrug, "I don't like to bother people."

"Are you serious? You wouldn't be bothering anyone, you just need to tell people how you're feeling when they ask, because I know they've been asking. They're really worried. I'm really worried."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I just need you to take care of yourself."

"That's really hard right now, G."

"Then let me help, let someone help, stop locking yourself away and thinking you need to go through this by yourself." Tears are now streaming down my face and I'm quietly sobbing. He brings me in for a hug and kisses my forehead. We stay like that for awhile. "We're gonna get through this. I promise."

For some reason, that just makes me cry even harder. Why can't I take care of myself? I used to be strong and independent. Now I'm weak. I need people to take care of me at 23? What is this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

"I, uh, okay." I take a deep breath again. "I'm just so fucking weak. And helpless. You shouldn't have to be making these promises and be worried about me." I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts and take a few more breaths. "Like this is sad. Ridiculous. How did I get myself in this situation. I don't get it. I don't know or understand myself anymore and I don't know how I got like this." My panic was turning into anger now. Anger at myself. The world. God or the universe or whatever seems to be in control of all of this.

"Stop beating up on yourself for like two seconds to see that people care about you and love you. Sometimes life gets hard and we need help. If I was in this position I would want someone to help me. I can't stand seeing you like this. I WANT to help. Life got busy and I was a shitty friend that grew distant. But I'm here. Your family is here. I know for a fact that if Ethan was here he'd be agreeing with me. We've known each other for years. I know you ARE strong. You just need a little help right now. The only question is if you're going to accept the help or stay stuck." He got a little louder, was it because it's Grayson and he's just loud or wanting to make his point come across clearly? both, probably. I took a few deep breaths, really calming for the first time in hours.

"Okay."

#Grayson Dolan #Dolan Twins #Dolan Twins fanfic #grayson dolan fanfic #Ethan Dolan #Ethan and Grayson #Overcome / numb #dolan twin fandom #grayson bailey dolan #dolan twins imagine #grayson #ethan #fanfiction #TW: depression #TW: anxiety #tw: suicide mentioned

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thechocoboos · 5 years

Text

hey do you guys remember that depression series i was gonna write? yeah, me neither. Anyways, here’s the next installment. sidenote: i wrote this a while ago so if im accidentally reposting it pls for the love of god let me know <3

Wordcount: 1778 Warnings: Depression Pairing: Prompto/Depressed!Reader

Nonexistence.

Your day had started out rough; you overslept by a good 2 hours and it hadn’t been an enjoyable sleep. Weird, unsettling stories plagued your dreams, leaving you reeling nad uncertain. Loud voices and the sounds of the construction outside your window had easily gotten on your nerves that day, and all you wanted was to lay down in the quiet and be alone for a bit.

Doing you work took too much effort, talking to other people was difficult, tedious, and only left you feeling worse than before. You tried to sleep, to close your eyes and fall into a nice cushion of nothingness, only to toss and turn in bed. You could still hear the voices outside your window, the construction and the thumping of the tenants above your apartment constantly hurting your head and fueling a pang of anger in your mind. You were sick of it all, sick of the noise and the endless list of things you had to do and would do anything to avoid.

You wanted silence, rest. You wanted to stop existing. You wanted the annoyance to go away, the rest of the world to shut up and disappear. Rather than continuing to face the world, you piled onto your couch under blankets and pillows, even dragging one pillow over your face to try and drown out the world.

And you laid there, trying not to exist, trying to pretend that under your little fort you could ignore your rising problems and the growing hole in the back of your mind.

The endless text messages you were getting made it difficult to focus on the nothing. You could see the screen lighting up with unseen messages--some from.your friends: Noctis, Gladio, Iris, even Ignis. However, most of them were from Prompto, your boyfriend. You knew he would be worried, you usually never went a full day without responded to his texts.

Still, you tried to ignore them, tried to shut your eyes and not see message after message--your phone was ringing, prompting you to open your eyes and glance at the screen as your heart starting thudding just a bit faster.

Prompto’s name flashed on the screen, his customized ringtone blaring through your living room. You loved him, but you didn't want to pick up the phone--to talk to even him right now. The ringtone seemed to get louder the longer your phone went unanswered, and with every second your brain screamed and your heart ached and your stomach felt nauseous and sick. Limply, you reached your hand out, hitting the decline button on the screen. It should have taken no effort, been an easy task, but in that moment your hand was so heavy and your mind so worn down that it was the hardest thing you had to do so far that day.

And then, it started ringing again. Rather than be forced to decline and keep doing so over and over again, you simply turned your phone off, letting it drop to the floor with a thump as your hand went limp again. This time, you managed to focus on the nothingness, to drown in the endless limp, empty feeling that was weighing heavy on your heart.

Elsewhere, Prompto was sitting at a cafe with his friends. He bit his lip, nervously looking at the decline calls and the messages you had yet to see. “They won’t answer,” He said aloud, glancing to his friends nervously.

“I mean, they’ve been pretty busy lately, maybe that’s why?” Noctis offered, shrugging as he took a sip of his soda.

“But they always answer by now…” Prompto said, his leg nervously bouncing up and down. He hadn’t even touched his spicy curry, too worried about your absence to enjoy his meal.

“I agree with Prompto, it’s not like Y/N to go this long without answering,” Ignis spoke, frowning at his own phone.

“Do you think everything’s okay? Am I just annoying them--sometimes they don’t always want to talk so I-”

Gladio cut Prompto’s nervous ranting off, “Please,” He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Y/N’s head over heels for you. I don’t think you could annoy them even if you tried. The looks they give you are almost as lovestruck as the looks you give them,”

“Yeah, Gladio’s got a point,” Noctis said, leaning back with a smirk on his face.

Prompto was too nervous to response to the teasing. His mind was going 100 miles per hour, each thought concerning you. “Maybe I should stop by?” He asked, eyes wide and flickering from friend to friend. “They usually want me to call first but-”

“I mean, you did call,” Noct pointed out, shrugging again.

“Yeah-yeah, I did…” Prompto trailed off before he abruptly stood up. “I’m going over!” He stuffed his hand in his pockets, dropping enough money on the table to pay for his meal before he was gone, walking off at a brisk pace towards your apartment.

You didn’t answer your door when he knocked. You heard it, yes, but you weren’t going to answer regardless of who it was. Instead, you burrowed down further into your pile of blankets and pillows, pulling one pillow over your head like a shield.

Outside, Prompto was growing worried. He couldn’t be sure you were home, but something was nagging at his stomach. Frowning, he dug out his own keys, searching for the one that led into your apartment. You always told him it was for either emergencies or taking care of your pets and plants whenever you were away--and right now seemed like emergency enough.

He let himself into your apartment, surprised at how dark everything was. The lights were turned off, curtains drawn shut. It felt so….empty. Quietly shutting the door, Prompto stepped forward and flicked on the light.

“Y/N?” He called, voice hesitant.

As soon as the lights flickered on, you buried your head deeper into the couch. The second you heard Prompto’s sweet voice calling your name, you felt your heart ache with longing and you wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug him. Still, you didn’t move.

“Y/N?” He was getting closer, his footsteps louder and voice warmer. He stopped. You knew he was probably staring down at the pile of blankets, confused. “Babe?” There was nothing but warm concern in his voice. His hand reached down, starting to move the pillow on your head away.

You yanked it back in place.

You heard a chuckle of soft laughter escape from his lips, “Babe? What’s up?” His voice was both amused and worried. “Did you try and make a fort without me?” He walked around the couch, kneeling down by the opening to your little pile and managing a warm smile.

Seeing his face was like feeling the sun for the first time in ten years. You felt warmth and love towards him, your heart aching and your eyes soft. “No,” You managed, voice scratchy. “I just… don't feel well,”

His smile disappeared, replaced by a worried frown. “You sick, babe?” He asked, his hand immediately reaching out to feel your forehead. You relished in the small touch, leaning your forehead against his hand and wishing it would last.

“Not like that,” You said, peering up at him.

Prompto started to understand. The dark lights, drawn curtains, your withdrawn nature…

“I just... Don’t want to exist right now “

Prompto’s heart broke at your words. He managed a small, comforting smile despite his aching heart. “That’s okay, babe,” He let his hand fall from your forehead, moving to gently caress your cheek. “Mind if we don’t exist together?” He asked, voice soft and understanding.

You hesitated before nodding, moving a little further into your cave of blankets as you lifted them a bit. He smiled, kicking off his boots and laying down next to you. It was a tight fit with most couches not being made for grown humans to lay side by side, but you were okay with that. You felt comforted by his warmth and his proximity, feeling better as he squished himself beside you.

His arms wrapped around you, pulling your huddled form to his chest. Closing your eyes, you rested your head against his shirt, comforted as he stroked your hair. He always seemed so tall whenever you two cuddled like this, with his chin resting on top of your head and his body stretched out next to your curled up form.

“Sometimes, I don’t want to exist, either,” Prompto said, his voice quiet. “And that’s okay,” He held you even closer, kissing the top of your head and rubbing circles into your back. “I always remember I have you, and Iggs, and Noct, and Gladio…” He smiled slightly, “And you have them, too, and me. And we all care about you, ya know?”

You felt your heart lifting slightly, not very much, but slightly nonetheless.

“And--and if you ever need anything or wanna talk--I’ll listen, okay?” Prompto held you even tighter. “Sometimes, things really suck, and it feels like they won’t get better, but I promise they do. And in the meantime, I’ll try and make life better until they do,”

Your managed a smile, your eyes tearing up a bit. He was always so sweet and comforting. He didn’t always know what to say, and sometimes he would say the wrong thing, but he cared--that much you knew.

“I know you will, Prom,” You managed, raising your head to look at him. “You always try, and I know I don’t always seem like it but--I really appreciate it, so, so much,” And you did. You knew your depression wouldn’t magically disappear--hell, even Prom knew that, but at least you knew he cared enough to stay by you through it.

Prompto smiled, his cornflower blue eyes so sweet as he gazed at you. “I love you, Prompto,” You told him, managing a smile.

“And I love you, too, Y/N,” He raised one nimble hand, brushing your hair aside. He leaned down, his lips brushing against yours for one small, warm moment before pulling away.

It was a small moment, but those small moments were the ones that made you glad to exist, even when you were trying not to. You couldn’t pretend that Prompto’s presence magically made your depression disappear for the day, but it did make cheer you up a little. And as you two lay on the couch, wrapped up in your own little world of nonexistence, you felt your unconditional love for that man reminding you of some of the good things in life, and for that, you loved him even more.

#ffxv #final fantasy xv #ff15 #final fantasy 15 #ffxv prompto #prompto argentum #prompto #fanfiction #have fun with this y'all #i feel like i might have posted this at some point but idk for sure #it's been awhile

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darknessqueen16 · 5 years

Text

Diabolik lovers zero floor 3 “Subaru”

https://soundcloud.com/subaslut/sets/diabolik-lovers-zero-floor-3

TRACK 1 “A bad-tempered portrait”

*They are walking*

*It starts to rain*

Subaru: Oh… Tch, I knew it, it’s raining. It’s going to start raining hard. Don’t be noisy, even if it’s raining, I’m not returning there. Just being in that castle I feel suffocated. It’s an annoyance that just by going back there for a moment they call from everywhere.

Subaru: Ha, they’re not the kind of guys who care about others, they wouldn’t worry about me disappearing either. Well, although Reiji could scold me because I brought you with me. Hey, we got until here so don’t apologize. You followed me because you were worried about me, right? I don’t think you’re an annoyance

Subaru: Besides, to be honest, I had no intention of leaving you alone there, since I don’t know what those bastards could do to you. You swore to be with me forever, so it’s obvious that you’re by my side now.

Subaru: !? Why are you smiling? Damn it, you’re strange.

*Rain and light thunder*

Subaru: Damn it, it got stronger. Let’s find a place to cover us. C'mon, gimme your hand, let’s run.

*They start to run*

Subaru: Hey, if you get tired then don’t hold back and tell me. It wouldn’t be good for you to trip while we run.

Oh, what? A mansion? Hey, let’s run to that mansion, it should work to cover us from the rain.

*running*

[2:18]

*they open the door of the mansion*

*sound of door closing*

*footsteps*

Subaru: I don’t feel anybody’s presence… and besides, I feel a heavy atmosphere… it seems that no one lives here. Let’s stay here until the rain stops. The place is quite large, so there must be some rooms to rest. ?? It’s certainly strange that there is light here, but if someone lives here, there wouldn’t be so much dust around. ?? This candelabrum has no fire, is surrounded by luminous insects. ?!? Hey! Don’t scream like that! If you don’t like it, then you just shouldn’t look at it. But… unexpectedly, it doesn’t look that bad, this is what in the human world humans call… fireflies?. Ah~, there’s honey on the wall that fell from the candelabrum. Is that what is inviting the insects to gather there? It’s a pretty weird candelabrum. What kind of person lived here?

Subaru: Huh? Is this place a museum? How do you know? *Yui fingers* A map…? Ah… *they approach to the map* This… is it a guide for art exhibitions? “glass painting”, “landscapes painting”. Hmm… it looks like something from a museum. If there’re no visitors here it means that it has already closed. Well, I don’t care whatever this is as long as it covers us from the rain. Oh… now that I think about it, you’re soaked. Are you cold? You say you’re fine when you’ve just sneezed that hard? But for now, you have to dry yourself with a towel or something, although I don’t carry any of that with me. *Yui looks for something* A handkerchief? That you’re carrying that with you, women are always well prepared. Dry your hair with that. I’m alright, worry about yourself. A vampire like me isn’t going to catch a cold. Damn it, just give me that. I’ll dry your hair, don’t move.

Subaru: Your hair is weighing because it got wet *drying it* it feels sticky, it’s not as smooth as ever. I don’t like this. Oh, it’s also sticking to your neck. Oh, hey, don’t move, I just touched your neck a bit so endure your tickles. Are you making it my fault? It’s your fault for being so sensible. The next time you move, I’m going to bite your neck. *drying up *? *giggles* why do you get so stiff? Look, this would be ok *in the ear* I’m done. *kiss*

Subaru: Ugh, don’t scream so loud, that was your punishment for had made it my fault. Oh? Why are you angry? If the stimulus wasn’t enough, I can do more things, you know? Although, right.. if I do more than this, neither of us could hold back.

Subaru: But… what do you have other than a handkerchief inside your purse? Oh… bandages, matches, a pencil, wet wipes, and a candy… did you plan to go on an excursion? Oh… that knife… is the one I gave you before, right? You always bring it with you, huh. Heh, I see. It’s a pity that it’s next to candy, but it’s the proof of my determination (*) Don’t lose it. Yeah, carry it properly. * thunder* It’s thundering, it seems that it’s not going to stop raining for a long time. Well, after all, we have nothing to do, so shall we see the exhibitions. But even if I see art, I don’t understand anything of that.

*footsteps*

Subaru: By the way, it’s dark here… are museums like this? *walking* oh, what is this? The walls are full of portraits… why there’re so many of them? There are ones of different sizes, and there are ones from what appear to be aristocrats and Familiars (*of demons) …they all look depressing… This museum must have closed for having been so disgusting. Ah… I don’t like to see this. …! Hey, that’s… a portrait of me… but why? No… I don’t know anything about it, and even if someone painted it on their own, why did that person paint me? If it’s about the old man or my mother, they could be… But… it’s so similar to me that it’s scary. Looking at it like that, I think that my face really… looks like the old… and my mother… is identical.

*Subaru’s portrait comes alive*

Subaru’s portrait: It’s because you look like them, don’t fuck.

Subaru: …!?

Subaru’s portrait: I’m not interested in your family, but, you know? Don’t look at me with such compassion in your eyes, do you want to bother me? *comes out of the portrait*

Ugh, visitors are a pain in the ass. I was sleeping and now I had to wake up and come here.

Subaru: He came out of the painting… can the portrait move? It’s like there’s one more of me… Can all these portraits move? Rather, why is there a portrait of me here?!

Subaru’s portrait: ah? I’m the only portrait that can move here. Actually, I don’t have an established physical, so I take the appearance of the visitors. But more importantly, don’t talk to me so confidently. Do you know what place is this? Once you come in here, you’re no longer able to leave, it’s a museum devours demons.

Subaru: what?! “Devours demons”?

Subaru’s portrait: Although, it eats both humans and demons. And for the two of you… I’ll take care of destroying you!

Subaru: Hey, stay behind. He carries strange magic. Eat as much as demons as humans… you’re damn sick!

Subaru’s portrait: Don’t talk to me so blatantly. Do you want me to destroy you so much? …? That woman of there… since before she smells so sweetly… is that the smell of your blood? Heh~, did I guess right? It’s something heavy… but it’s not bad at all~. Hey, I’ll play with you only before breaking you. Give your blood to me, I’ll bite you with my fangs until I don’t leave a single drop on you.

Subaru: Ch… Eve’s blood also tempts monsters… don’t worry and stay away.

Subaru: It took me by surprise that painting came to life, but I don’t care what the hell you’re if you want her… THEN I WON’T HAVE MERCIFULNESS! *Subaru runs and hits the portrait*

Subaru’s portrait: UGH?! Bastard!! *begins to strangle Subaru with his arm*

Subaru: ugh… let me go… ugh… you, go hide somewhere, look for a place where you can lock it! What are you doubting?! I’ll go looking for you after beating him. Don’t you trust me?! Then hurry up and go! *Yui starts running* No matter who goes there, you mustn’t open the door! Definitely, don’! *key sound*

TRACK 2 “You must not open the door”

*Footsteps*

*noise*

Subaru: Oh… that was…? It’s you? Are you in this room? Hey, answer me…! *Yui answers* *loose sigh of relief* You’re here. Are you okay, right? I’m glad… Eh? No, I’m okay… That bastard isn’t here anymore. Anyway, let me go inside. We’ll talk about the details later. *tries to open the door* Hmm? Ahh… it was locked with insurance, huh… hurry up and let me in. What’s going on? Why do you stay silent? *Yui asks if he is Subaru again*

Subaru??: Why do you ask me that again? Damn it… you say strange things. Did I make you worry so much? I have no choice, I’m sorry for leaving you alone, I’ll call you by your name… Eve.

*Yui hurries and walks away from the door*

Subaru??: Hey… what is it? What are you saying? I’m not an imitator. …*sighs* *changes his voice* I see. That man called you that, so I thought that was your name. I thought that it would be better pretend to be him, but it can’t be helped if you discovered me. I’ll destroy this door *hits the door*

Subaru’s portrait: I can’t believe you made me call you by your name, what a nuisance… I guess you’re ready, right? Oh? I don’t know what happened to that man. He could be lost between exhibitions or, perhaps he’s agonizing? *giggles* Where are you trying to escape? There is no other way out. Stop going from one place to another… *approaches to Yui* that bothers me. Don’t resist, or do you want me to be angry and be rough with you? Then I’ll do it as you want it! *pulls her against the wall* Don’t you understand it unless you are cornered against the wall? Act as the prey you’re and be obedient. *giggles* I can feel it better when I approach, it really is a very sweet smell. It makes me so dizzy that It could drive me crazy. It’s a long time ago since I wanted to drink blood like now… *giggles* There is no reason, I have a delicious meal in front of me, it’s obvious that I want to devour it.

I just told you what kind of place is this, right? “It’s a museum devours demons”, the people of the hanging portraits are the visitors we’ve had so far. No one who has come here has come out alive, not once. Once they stepped in here, they became mere food. UGH, DON’T RESIST! *hits the wall* Still don’t understand that fighting back is useless? I told you that you’re my prey, if you resist more than this, I’ll tear you apart like the door of before.

Subaru’s portrait: Your expression covered with fear isn’t bad… This is your punishment for having fought against me. Hey, where is the place that hurts the most when someone bites you? I’m going to nail my fangs there. *…* Ch… if you don’t answer me, then I’ll look for it on my own, the place where you raise your voice. *bites* Mm… *laughs* that’s a good voice. And besides, your blood gets tangled in my throat. Your body is thin, but your blood is the best. C'mon, hurry up and answer me. Where do you want me to drink from? Or maybe… do you want to be completely destroyed in this place? Mm~, if you don’t answer, then… It wouldn’t be bad doing it from your throat… *kiss* What would happen if I sink my fangs here? *giggles* I love your expression of fear. I knew it; Are you afraid I bite your neck? Then, what do you think from here? There is less skin in the clavicle, if my fangs touched your bones, then it wouldn’t only be severe pain. *giggles* Even if you obey me now I won’t stop. You’ll give me your blood until I’m satisfied. *bites her* Mm… heh, does it hurt? I’m making it hurts on purpose. I’ll continue to bite your entire body until you shatter. Hold it without breaking it.

Subaru’s portrait: Ah? Did you say something? Ch! Do you still think that man will come to help you? The fact that you trust him so much disgusts me. You both are just prey, what do you think you’re capable of doing? He and you have no other way but to let yourself be devoured. If you think you’ll succeed (get out of here), then try to escape. C'mon, I’ll let you escape once. When I catch you again, I’ll make your face retreat in despair.

*Yui runs away*

Subaru’s portrait: She went to the floor of the sculptures… *giggles* What an idiot girl. Feel the fear while hiding in the shadows of the sculptures. There’s nothing you can believe in this museum.

TRACK 3 “Beautiful sculpture”.

Subaru: *walking slow* ugh… ug… Kuh… damn it… *falls down* damn it, I have to hurry up and go find her… *stands up* Oh! You…! You were here? Are you okay? Idiot, don’t make that kind of face about to cry. I’m okay… …! Those fang marks… did he make them? I see… damn it… *is approaching* your body is trembling… where else did he drink other than your neck? How? I see… it hurts, right… But, you like it when it hurts, right~.

*Yui walks away*

Subaru’s portrait: Heh, didn’t you really notice? You’re not a kid to fall twice in the same trap. Have you already understood?? In these exhibitions full of deceptions there is nothing you can believe in. *Yui tries to escape, but the portrait catches her* You won’t run away, do you think you can escape in that state?! Don’t resist! Oh? *clothes tearing sound* Hehehe, that’s a good view. You were hooked on that sculpture for moving too much, didn’t you realize it was a sculpture of thorns? You’re such a fool. If you keep moving (your clothes) will get tear more and more.

Subaru’s portrait: Do you want to end up naked in front of me? *Yui tries to safe* Do you think you can get out of there so easily? If you keep waiting then… *kiss* I’ll bite you. *Yui pushes him* UPS… *clothes tearing* Hehe, are you an idiot? You went back there on your own… You’re very stupid and now that your clothes are destroyed, it became easier to drink. Mmm? *touches her arm* did you cut your arm? The blood is coming out… *licks* mm… it’s sweet. This is perfect, I’ll drink from here and I’ll enlarge the wound with my fangs. Don’t be noisy, and be quiet, I’ll make it hurt so much that you’ll end up losing consciousness, but I won’t let you faint. I’ll slap you until you wake up and I’ll make you feel more pain. *bites her* mmm… haa, did your wound starts to burn? I’ll bite deeper. *bites* Your tearful face tempts me, hey, cry more. Show me how you suffer. Don’t resist, but if that’s the case, then… Hey, to whom do the sculptures of here look like for you? Hmph, apparently, you have no strength for that, after I’ve drunk your blood. I should have asked you before that happened. This museum changes its appearance depending on the visitors, and those sculptures also change according to who sees them. If they have the shape of your acquaintances, then you have just shown them how you enjoy when I drink your blood. Mm, What? *giggles* did you just imagine it? Does just imagining it makes you agonize? What nonsense! If you suffer because of guilt, it would be fine, *in the ear* but you like to be watched… are you serious? In that case, I’ll do it in such a way that it can be appreciated as well. Do you like me doing this to you, right? It’s annoying that you pretend that you don’t want to, c' mon, we have to show it to the sculptures. *in the ear* however, don’t faint. I’ll leave a mark in your whole body of who drank your blood, and if you get distracted even a bit with something other than me, I’ll bite you until you tear apart. *bites her*

Subaru’s portrait: Mmm… your blood is getting hot… I haven’t drunk enough yet. Hey, give me more. …Ch, I told you not to pay attention to anything else. Are you still looking for that man’s help!? *rips clothes and pushes her on the ground* Listen, for vampires, humans are just food, do you really think he’ll come to help you? Ha? Lovers, you both? Aren’t you idiots? No matter how you think a predator and a prey can’t be together, your game of being lovers won’t last for long.

Subaru’s portrait: Do you still want to make me angry? THAT’S ANNOYING! *hits the ground* So, if you love your boyfriend so much, why do you let him bite you? You liked it, do you think you have the right to speak? If that man were to see you right now, do you think he won’t be disappointed with you? *giggles* It’s late to realize, cry all you want in the middle of your guilt. *bites her* Mm… heh, that’s what you deserve. You can’t move much, can you? Love and romance make me nauseous, especially those who trust blindly in the other person like you.

Subaru: Stop! *Subaru runs to the portrait* GO AWAY FROM HER! *tries to hit him but the portrait eludes him*

Subaru’s portrait: Damn it, he’s here.

Subaru: You had the guts to touch her! I definitely won’t forgive you!

Subaru’s portrait: I don’t think you have the right to complain about what I do to my prey.

Subaru: Ugh, don’t be too self-centered… I won’t have mercy, I’ll destroy you with my own hands!!! You, wait, I’ll do it right away. *knife sound* what happens? A knife?! I see! It certainly helps me. It’s a silver dagger that can kill vampires, with this I’ll tear you apart, little sh*t!!

Subaru’s portrait: *laughs* Do it if you can.

Subaru: Don’t act so confident! *runs and stabs the portrait*

Subaru’s portrait: ugh!? Ugh…!

Subaru: You won’t live if I stab your heart. F*CK YOU!! *cuts portrait’s neck*

*The portrait falls*

Subaru: *agitated* ha… that’s what you deserve, bastard…

Subaru’s portrait: *laughs*

Subaru: what…!?

Subaru’s portrait: *distorted voice* I would give you a prize… even if you can kill the vampires with a silver dagger… you can’t kill a painting of a portrait… *forming again*

Even if you cut my neck and pierce my heart… I’ll return to my normal form just like now.

Subaru: Seriously… what the hell!

Subaru’s portrait: No matter what you do, it’ll be the same result. But, hey, since it’s my chance I’ll ask you. Who do these sculptures look like?

(Epic background music by the way *winks*)

Subaru: Sculptures? .. !! What is this? Why all…?

Subaru’s portrait: *giggles boy you are so evil. As you’re aware you can see your acquaintances. Who do you see? Do they look like those people? Do they move in the same way?

Subaru: You must be fucking with me…

Subaru’s portrait: And now… let the sculptures destroy you!!

Subaru: *runs to Yui* Let’s get out of here, hug me tight! *runs carrying Yui* Damn it, they’re chasing us, I know they’re fake but I…! Ugh, dammit!!

TRACK 4 “In life and death”

Subaru: Damn it! This floor is too long! Haa, haaa… we lost them? I guess we have no choice but to hide between the figures. This place is surrounded by plants, the sculptures of here shouldn’t move… Listen, I’m going to let you on the ground. Haa, ha… do your wounds hurt? I’m sorry, I wanted to give him what he deserves, but I couldn’t move. He had me stab him on purpose to let me know I can’t do anything.

Subaru: Damn it! That bastard and those sculptures can only play dirty! Oh… I’m sorry, I got carried away. If I speak so loud they’ll find us, I’m angry because I saw something unnecessary. …? Yeah, that’s it. It was because of those sculptures, I saw my mother in them. It’s pathetic, isn’t it…? I even stabbed that portrait which is identical to me, but when I saw those sculptures looked just like my mother, my head went blank. Every time she looks at me she starts screaming… My mother, who went insane because of me, was in front of my eyes… I didn’t know what to do… That was just a sculpture, I could have broken it. Damn it…! Idiot, don’t move. This isn’t the time for you to worry about me. By the way, you’re more important now, hey, show me your wounds. Ch… he bit you deeper, that bastard has no mercy! I won’t forgive him! Hey, you don’t have to apologize, it’s not your fault. Ha? Ahh, you really… *hugs her* There’s no way I hate you. Although being honest, I’m upset because he bit you, but… I’m not angry at you, but at me for not protecting you. No matter what happens, I won’t be disappointed. You already know, right? I… love you so much that I could go crazy. ! Idiot, don’t cry. Suddenly you became docile, it seems that it affected you enough that that bastard had drunk your blood. Hey, I’ll disappear these fang marks. I’ll destroy all your worries, okay? Yeah, relax your body. *kiss* if I do this, then the wounds will disappear right away. *kisses* They healed. Now the ones from here… ch! he bit your collarbone too. I’ll make you forget the fear he made you feel, leave everything to me *kiss* *licks* your blood is getting sweeter… you’re making a good face, the pain began to turn into pleasure, right? Why are you embarrassed? Just let yourself go. Where else did he bite you? Teach me. Tell me all the places where you want my kisses. *giggles* your face is red. Haha, it’s OK. It’s here, right? Such a thing like drinking from behind, what a horrible way to do it. *kisses* This should be enough. Now the next is your arm? Ah… what happens? *laughs* right, although I know what you want. Do you want me to drink your blood? That’s a good way to tempt me, okay, I’ll drink from the wound in your arm. Look very carefully at where I’m going to bite you. *bites her* Mmm… haa, it’s sweet and hot… *laughs* I feel like I’m going crazy. So impatient were you? I’d like to drink a little more, but I won’t do more. Your body couldn’t stand more than this. *kiss* the wound disappeared. Do you feel dizzy? I see but wait a little longer. No matter who interferes, you’re mine, no matter what happens I won’t let you go away, now and forever.

Subaru: Of course, I don’t want to live without you. The moment I gave you that knife, I gave you my life too. And I haven’t forgotten that determination, for me… if it’s you, then I wouldn’t mind if you kill me. You’re so special to me. Finally, your face always came back, you made me have problems. Mm? What’s wrong? …! Right, it’s not just my life, but yours too, always being on my side. It’s different from when I was young, I’m not alone anymore now. Right? *holds Yui’s hand* It’s not like I’ve forgotten it, but it felt good to say it. Although a moment ago I was irritated, now I feel calm. It’s strange, I feel that nothing could scare me now. *sound of rocks*

!? Who?! mother…? Why the sculpture from here are…? …! Over there too! Ch, we’re surrounded. Stay there, I won’t let them touch you. Don’t worry, I’m not going to lose. I’ll live my life with you, that’s what I promised you. I wouldn’t be afraid, that would be pathetic. Don’t mess around with me! You made fun of me using my mother’s appearance! Just by looking at you I remember several things, I feel as if it stabs my heart. However, I won’t be pathetic when she’s believing in me! *breaks the statues*

Subaru: Such a thing like falling *breaks a sculpture* in your dirty tricks!! I WON’T DO IT! *breaks sculptures* There is someone to whom I can trust my back, nothing will scare me anymore.

Subaru’s portrait: Ch… you destroyed all these “important” sculptures.

Subaru: Ah, you showed up. What do the sculptures matter? Those things are just a pile of stones!

Subaru’s portrait: ha? Stones? It seems you want me to kick your ass, huh. Don’t make such a scene when you both were hiding all this time, or are you, idiots? The game is over, I’ll take care of both of you, and you’ll be the food.

Subaru: ch…! Idiot, don’t stand up. Hey, what’s wrong? Woah…! *Yui grabs Subaru* what happens…? The candelabrum? I see… so that was…

Subaru’s portrait: Ch, what are you babbling about?

Subaru: Ha, you bastard, your body is made of paint, right? The sculptures stopped moving after I destroyed them, so if you’re made of paint… I should just burn you.

Subaru’s portrait: !!!??

Subaru: As expected, the color of your face changed. So that was it. She was the one who noticed, the gathering of luminous insects for light is because it would be bad for you if someone uses fire here, right?

Subaru’s portrait: And what about that? Even if you know it, you can’t do anything.

Subaru: I’ll prove to you if I can do it or not. *to Yui* run to the candelabrum, burn it and bring it here.

*Yui runs*

Subaru R: WHAT!?

Subaru: It’s a pity, that cautious idiot girl brought matches with her.

Subaru’s portrait: Damn it, I won’t let you do it!!! WAIT! *Subaru catches him and begins to strangle him* move….!

Subaru: Even though she’s dizzy she’s trying so hard, so holding you is my part…! *fire sound* Did you get it? This is your end.

Subaru R: UGHH!!

-Subaru? Hey, why are you standing there? Hurry and burn him. …What’s wrong? Don’t tell me you don’t know which is me?

Subaru?: haaa? Idiot, it’s me, you know it, right!?

-Subaru?: No, don’t be fooled. Hurry up and burn this portrait!

Subaru? You damn bastard, how dare you to imitate me!?

-Subaru?: Hurry up and come here. If it’s about you, then you must already know who the real me is.

Subaru?: Tch… damn it… hey, you don’t have to choose one.

-Subaru?: Ughh… what the hell are you doing!?

Subaru?: It’s just now, burn us! Me and him too!

-Subaru?: !!!?

Subaru?: If you let go of this opportunity it will be the end, if I have to give you to him, THEN I WOULD PREFER THAT YOU WILL FINISH THE TWO! Hurry up!! …Don’t doubt it, I told you if it’s you then… I wouldn’t mind being killed by you …

-Subaru?: You bastard, let me go…! *hits Subaru*

Subaru?: ugh!?

-Subaru?: Hey, it’s right now. Burn that imitator! *Yui is closing to him* what’s wrong with you? I see… you realized that I’m the real one…

Subaru? Idiot, don’t go…

-Subaru?: Come here quickly… but before that, burn him with that candelabrum… H-hey… what’re you doing? *YUI BURNS HIM LOOL*

quicklySubaru?: GUAAAAAA!? *distorted voice*

Subaru: ?!? Hey, you… why…? How did you realize? …ha, you realized that too… then I should have said it from the beginning …my life will always be yours… in life and in death.

Subaru’s portrait: Ugh… agh… !!!! Ghaaaaaaaa…!!!

Subaru:!? It’s melting… is this smell of paint?

Subaru’s portrait: *distorted voice* Will you be together… even in death? I GET NAUSEOUS! I’ll destroy you both… Everything… I’ll destroy everything ……… .. !! *It becomes ashes.*

Subaru: …He died…? He’s not reviving, so we really did it? Yeah, everything’s fine *Yui hugs him quickly* Oh…! *laughs* You did pretty well, damn it *caresses* you’re crying again, but I’ll let you do it for now. Thank you.

*the fire extends*

Subaru:?!? Is the fire spreading? The place is going to fall apart! I guess everything will burn out completely… I don’t know who this museum was from, but that guy was here, so this was the best way.

Subaru: It must still be raining, so the fire won’t extend into the forest. Let’s go out. *carries Yui in arms* A museum that devours visitors… now it’ll finally close.

TRACK 5 “That portrait has been burned”

*knock knock*

Subaru: It’s me, can I come in? *comes in* what? Aren’t you going to lie down? You said you were still anemic. You… we just got back from the Demon World, what will you do if you let down your guard and start feeling bad? Eh, what? Why are you laughing? Ahh!??! I’m not an overprotector!! I was really worried about you! Ah, no…! I’m worried about that, it’s nothing in particular… You damn girl… I said don’t laugh. TCH. Ah… it’s certainly how you say, you seem to be better. What it means… *in the ear* that I can bite you right now if I want to, right? *giggles* Silly, there’s no way you can escape from this situation. So prepare yourself? *about to bite Yui but just gives her a kiss* mm… I’ll just do this for now. What!? Did you want me to drink your blood? You’re looking at me as if you wanted it. Hehe, it’s your punishment for making fun of me. Now we’re even. If you want me to drink your blood, then get better soon. We’ll hold until then. *lies down*

Subaru: There was an impostor of me… some sculptures of my mother attacked us… many things happened. Heh, I wonder about that, even if we’re back we’ll have to see the faces of those annoying assholes again. It could even have been better if we stayed in that museum. *laughs* It was a joke, that’ll never happen.

Subaru: I feel like I can face things better than before. If I’m going to live with you, then I can’t take my eyes away from the problems. I’m not alone, so I’m fine. You know… at that moment you trusted me, and I still haven’t thanked you. If you can feel me, then I’ll tell you how many times you want. I give my life to you, it’ll be yours in life and in death. Yeah, no matter what problems we face or who interferes, I won’t let you go for all eternity. I’ll love you forever *kiss*

#cd translation

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angel-scythe · 6 years

Text

Gavin900′s week - Day 2 : I need you (Reverse AU)

Day 02, yeah!

Fun fact, I wrote this after the Day 03. I struggled to find something to do and then that... popped. (And since I wanted to post it in the right order... here we are!)

I hope this is okay for the Reverse AU theme...

Summary? Niles Stern is depressed since a moment. Really depressed. Whatever Connor, his twin, tries to do, that doesn’t work. So, one day, he brings him back an Android. A special Android....

It wasn’t really the good day to write it but I’m happy with how that turns out. I almost want to dig in it.

Anyway, if you want read it on AO3, feel free to smash that doo ( > | °| < ) or keep reading it just above?

Have an awesome day <3

Like every day, Niles was at home. Everything was messy around him. You could see magazine and newspapers all around the floor, though a lot of them when even unwrapped. He stopped to read them long time ago. There was unclean dishes everywhere and his last jar of chocolate paste was empty and had rolled somewhere. His TV was always on, displaying National geographic Channel. The covers were also dirty because he passed his time in the sofa. Except to go in the bathroom. And not for everything…

Oh, he got often some visits… from his twin brothers. The guy, three minutes older than him, passed everyday and chatted in his ears but he even didn’t really listen to him. It wasn’t exactly the fact he didn’t want to but he couldn’t. Especially since the day he realized his brother talked about absolutely nothing. He wanted him to react, wanted to see him smile when he told for the fifth time the same joke.

But he couldn’t.

AAnd he felt even worse because his mother always loved him more than his older brother; his teachers too because they said he was better, the perfect kid and being just slightly less better than him, Connor didn’t mark the mind as much… Because of their mom, they even got the same job and their boss would always say to them he was better than his brother. But for him, Connor was the best one because being the second in everything, he never stopped loved him anyway. In fact, he always was the first to cheer up for him. He wanted to be partner up with him all the time, and not to take advantage. He was a tender heart and when it came to the truly personality, he was the favorite.

That didn’t bother Niles.

In fact, one day, nothing went wrong and since this day, that never stopped. A tiny problem became a huge one and the huge problem became awful. More he thought about them, more that came worst. And, of course, since leaving the house became harder and harder, he finished by stop to come at work and he lost his job. His mother blamed him, again and again, his boss too and everything became even worst.

They were talking about panda at the TV when he heard the bell rang.

He didn’t get up, of course, but the door opened anyway. He pressed his cheek against his forearm as he heard the soft voice of his brother babbling.

The panda were pretty cutes in fact.

Suddenly, they disappeared since he saw his brother’s face.

“I’ve a surprise for you today.”

No replies.

“I’d like to come more often, you know,” Connor said, putting a lock of hair behind his ear, “but I’m sorry, it will be harder now to come. We have a big case at work.”

You call that a surprise?

Niles closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against his wrist.

“I won’t let you alone, my baby brother,” Connor said softly, caressing his hairs. “Look!”

The other felt Connor got up and moved around. He didn’t open his eyes, didn’t want to see the surprise. Soon enough, he heard the pace come back but he didn’t looked up, too busy to do nothing and blame himself. How could he do that to Connor? If only he had the strength to open his eyelid and looking him?

It was suck a lack of respect for his lovely brother…

“Niles?”

He heard a soft sigh.

“That’s okay, baby brother. I bought you an Android.”

It was fucking expansive, how could he let Connor do such a thing?! He should repay that. He should talk.

“It’s a bit peculiar because it’s a prototype. He was a police auxiliary, a Detective! But they recycled him into something else. I checked up you risk nothing.”

But Niles thought it could be a nice thing if his Android would kill him. Ironic since he never wanted Android. And now they were a freedom people so owning an Android now?

“I’d love to say any longer but I can’t. I’ll see you soon. I love you so much, baby brother.” Connor pressed a kiss on his forehead. “Do whatever you want.”

Those words seemed to be say at someone else. Certainly to the Android.

Soon, he heard the door closed and then ruffling around. The Android didn’t even introduce himself.

Perfect.

He didn’t want to talk.

Niles stayed there. After long minutes, he opened his eyes to glance at the TV. Now, they were talking about sharks. He liked sharks but that didn’t cheer him up.

“Can I pass in front of the TV?”

Niles was watching the TV but in the time, he didn’t; so, he didn’t mind if the Android came. But he didn’t reply. Let him do whatever he wanted. Everything was fine for the Human. When, in fact, everything was not nice but you get it.

“Hey! I’m talking to you, asshole.”

Niles jumped and blinked when he saw the Android crouching in front of him. He was surprised by his look. Yes, it was a prototype but Niles still supposed his appearance was generic. This one had light brown hair a bit messy but put back, dark circles under his big grey eyes, hair in his slightly chubby face, red lips and scars. One above the said lips, one on his nose.

“I don’t have all the time, you reply or what?”

Niles was dumbfounded. “You’re already in front of the TV.” His voice was a bit husky because he didn’t have talk since longtime.

“So it’s a ‘yes’, perfect. You see, it wasn’t so hard!”

The Android rose up and started to move around, gathering the dirty dishes. Niles looked him, silently. This Android was really peculiar.

Four days later

Now, the apartment was clean up and when the mail arrived, the newspapers and magazine were thrown, recycled, and the private mail was read by the Android.

Niles liked that because he really appreciated his voice. It was soft under the roughness.

He still drank only water but he had noticed the sugary taste. But the Android made him food and he didn’t eat it. But this morning, when he woke up, he had a new cover in his back. He remembered getting cold while the night but didn’t want to move and was so surprised to have that warm duvet…

At the TV, they were talking about the venomous snakes. He wondered what it was to be bite by a Taipan…

“Niles?”

He didn’t reply. He didn’t talk to him since that first day.

“Hey, dipshit!”

And now, Niles wondered if Connor knew the Android was that rude when he bought it.

“Okay. Should I do the food or not? Because I won’t lost my time for an asshole who even doesn’t eat. Do I cook for me? No!”

No reply.

“Phck!”

Niles’ eyes twitched. ‘Phck’? That was cute.

The rough face appeared in front of him. Fingers snapped and he blinked against his will.

“Fine, you’re alive. So, you reply now. You eat or not?”

Niles looked him but still didn’t reply.

“That’s it? Okay. I’ll do the food but believe me, you’ll eat!”

The Android got up and Niles couldn’t help but followed his track with his eyes. He also liked to see his longs legs trapped in a black pants and the white hoodie he was wearing. Sometimes, he pulled the hood on his hair and face to hide his LED. Niles had nothing to do in his live so, it was sad but he had already noticed it was when the LED became red. And right there, going to the kitchen, the Android tucked the hood…

“Sometimes, more unexpected sound grabs our attention. Like this desert rain frog, squeaking viral sensation. Eleven million hits and counting. It sounds like a dog toy but actually this is the sonorous war cry of a very angry frog. Ferocious.”

“That meeeeeep are literally killing me,” the Android said as he was putting down the bowl full of broth with tiny vegetable, an egg and a lot of alphabet letters.

Niles cracked a smile when he saw the words written there.

‘Fuckin eat me asshole’

He passed his hands on the cushions and pushing on it to rise up. But his arms, used to be very muscular, were weak now, struggling to support his weigh. He felt tow arms around him and he was supported, helped to straighten.

“Are you playing? Do you plan to have me feeding you. ‘Ooooh GV200, I’m soooo weak, please, feed me with your strong hands!’”

Niles looked down. In fact, he was really struggling to do the slightest think. He moved a bit but not much and the best sports he did was to go in the bathroom, one time by day. When he didn’t forget. And the last time he had just roll over to fall on the floor then crawled to the bathroom.

He knew he was a mess and that was even worst now. And… oh no. The tears were coming… and he even wasn’t strong enough to prevent himself to cry in front of the Android. Fuck!

“Don’t do that!”

The GV200 had screamed but Niles couldn’t help. The tears were coming, rolling over his cheeks.

“Phck! Phck! Phck!!!” He rose up and looked around. “What do you want? Something to read? Something funny? Ah!” He connected to the TV and displayed lol cats. “No? Maybe… Maybe ice cream?”

GV200 rushed in the kitchen to find ice cream and he ruffled the refrigerator. He needed to go to the supermarket. There was nothing there!

“I don’t have ice cream.”

Niles pressed his skull against the cushion behind him and he cried more. Why? He even didn’t want ice cream.

“Warm bath? Do you want a warm bath?” GV200 offered.

Niles didn’t reply but the Android rushed in the bathroom and soon, he could hear the water flowing. A nice scent came a bit after. GV200 had certainly let bubble bath droplet fell in the lukewarm water.

He stayed there in front of his soup, unable to reach it. Unable to eat even if he wanted to. What a mess…

He even didn’t know when that state at started? At first, he ate a lot. Way too much. And one day, he just stopped. Why everything was going badly? Why everything was becoming worse each new day?

Why did he wake up every morning?

The door opened, the sound of pace arrived and he saw GV200’s face in front of him. “The bath his ready. Come.”

Niles gathered all his courage, tears still rolling over his cheeks, and he forced himself to pronounce those awful words with his voice still husky. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

He shook his head.

“Well. I’m stubborn and you need a phckin’ bath anyway so…”

Suddenly, Niles wasn’t anymore in the sofa but in the strong and yet soft arms of that Androids. They were warms. He was surprised. He though Android would be cold… He never touched one before, even if his mother worked with the man who created them…

He let GV200 bring him to the bathroom. He wouldn’t have the strength to protest if he wanted, anyway.

When they arrived in the room, the Android looked around then sat him in the floor without a word.

“You undress or…”

Niles cried more. Damn! He wasn’t able to eat if he wanted it and even to undress. What a mess! What did he do with his live?! How? When? Why?

“Okay, okay. I’ll undress you.”

The Human looked him while the fingers came at the skirts of his t-shirt. He passed the cloth above his head then along his arms. He continued with the pant and Niles said nothing, even when he was naked.

“And now…” GV200 looked to the bath then to Niles. “I’ll undress, okay? Don’t worry, you won’t have an unsolicited dick appearin’, I don’t have one.” He shrugged then undressed.

Anyway, Niles felt strange and he looked down. He wanted to say ‘what are you doing?’ but just couldn’t.

Soon, he was, once again, carried in those arms. He watched as the Android step over the bench’s bath.

“It could be a bit warm,” the Android said. Then, he sat in the bath and installed the body over his, the back of Niles against his chest. He took a lotion and poured some in a washcloth. “Look,” he said.

Niles had red eyes and he stared as the GV200 passed his hand inside the bath mitt. Then the Android’s hand came above his and make him rub his body.

“You see? You’re doin’ it yourself.”

The man chuckled through his tears. He had a blurry vision but he looked their hands passing above his arms. His hand.

“Po… Police auxiliary… right?”

“Bold! You’re washin’ yourself and talkin’!” GV200 bent a bit. “I like that!” He felt Niles trying to follow the rubbing gesture. “Yay, I was a police auxiliary.”

“How… someone could end up like that?”

“Hm…” he said, pressing his seconds and in the bench.

He didn’t dare to touch him with this hand, showing respect. But Niles did saw that hand and he moved his head, saw the red LED and the Android moving his head to prevent to show that.

“Take a guess,” he chuckled. “How a decent person ends up like that?”

“I don’t know.”

GV200 glanced to him. “As a cop, I saw and heard things. Slowly, I deviated and when they realized I was a Deviant, they rebooted me. And I deviated. Again… and again. So… they threw me away. I stayed in that glass tube for months before your brother found me and agreed to buy me.”

Niles could imagine that poor Android, threated like an object when he had a conscious, still see like that even when most of the Deviant were free… He could see him begged for Connor and Connor agreed even if it wasn’t the good person to choose.

“I don’t have the code to take care of people. Don’t toss me away, I need someone…” it seemed like he costed to GV200 to say that, seeing the LED, his face…

“Can I call you Gavin?”

“Hu?”

“That sound more like a name and that suits you. Can I call you Gavin?”

The Android blinked, his LED leaving the red to become yellow.

“I’d like that.”

Niles looked his hand, pressing the washcloth against his wrist. He knew the hand was on him but he was washing himself. In a matter of day, the Android had made the difference even his brother couldn’t…

He wanted to be the one he used to be. Or, at least, to be able to look him in the mirror. And he couldn’t do that alone…

“I need you,” Niles confessed.

“I’m there,” the GV200 replied.

No… Gavin replied.

#Reed900 week 2018 #Reed900 week 2018 Day 2 #Gavinreed #RK900 #Reverse au #it's on ao3 #dbh #detroit become human #depression theme #I hope this is okay #i hope they will be okay #i love them by the way #Loved the last scene #Had hard time with Gavin

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johobi · 7 years

Text

When You Least Expect It | 03

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader x Taehyung

Word count: 9.1k

Warnings: angsty, depression, anxiety cw

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16732419/navigate

A/N: This chapter gets very dark, but hold on until the end.

Next: 04 || WYLEI Masterlist

You’re in love with your childhood friend, Taehyung. The problem is, you treasure your friendship with him far too much to ever risk losing it. Oh, and he’s quite the Casanova. At your wits’ end with feelings you can no longer hide as diligently as you once did, you ask him to set you up with someone, anyone, in a last-ditch attempt to avoid a heartbreaking conversation.

He descended upon you like an angel plummeting to earth. He spoke no words, and neither did you. When his hands encircled the back of your head to cradle your face towards him, you didn’t close your eyes, even when his soft, plump lips neared enough to ghost the surface of your own. The divine being gifted you with a look into his boundless, swirling eyes. There, he held a truth you had yearned to be shown for so, so long. He loved you.

Taehyung spoke. “Will you have me, noona?”

Your mouth opened to respond, but before you could gasp out your shamelessly needy acceptance, you were being yanked away by invisible tendrils that wound themselves around your limbs and pried you apart from the object of your desire. He hovered there, his face unreadable until you could no longer even see that, so far away were you now. You tried to scream, but you could never vocalise your frustrations when it mattered most. Soon enough, you were diving back to earth, back to reality; a frigid, harsh place you would have been happy to depart from tomorrow.

The lucidity of your dream cracked and spilled forth like grains of sand through your fingers. His touch, his voice, his smell – with every racing second the authenticity with which you had experienced these delights faded from your memory and you found yourself where you had been left: A ghastly black-eyed, smudged mess of a banshee with the encrusted evidence of your overburdened tear ducts and nostrils glistening, like snail trails, over the expanse of your face.

And, your phone was ringing. Obnoxiously loudly.

You groaned as you swung your legs over the edge of your sofa, feeling as though last night’s breakdown had added an undeserved 30 years to your body’s age as punishment for being so weak. In reality, your cheap, unforgiving sofa had merely set and cast your body into an uncomfortable position. You cracked your neck and picked up your phone, the name on the screen making you arch an eyebrow in curiosity. Yoongi never rang you, and especially not this early.

“Hello?” you croaked, and you winced at how rough you sounded.

“The sleeping princess is awake at last,” his familiarly dry wit flowed through your phone speaker. “I thought you might be dead.”

You grumbled under your breath. You really weren’t in the mood for his jabs, so you continued to provide him with one-word answers only. “Why?”

“Because everyone has been trying to get hold of you for the last hour, Hoseok especially. You know you’re an hour late for work, right?”

“Oh, fuck!” your voice cracked under the dryness of your throat. “Oh no, is he there? Are you with him? Fuck, I’m so sorry!”

“He’s here, yeah. He’s serving customers, though, so he can’t come to the phone. He came in early because no-one was here to open the café, so…” Yoongi trailed off, allowing the guilt you felt to settle heavily over his unspoken insinuation.

“Shit,” you spat, anger roiling in your veins. It was, of course, entirely aimed at yourself. “I’ll be there as soon as I can, I promise.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he cut in, just as you were about to launch into another series of cuss-laden apologies. “Hoseok said to tell you to take the day off. He knows you’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and he’s happy that you had a good night last night.”

You blinked, the last of his words clicking somewhere into place. “Wait, do you guys think I went home with Jungkook last night?”

A loaded pause. “You didn’t?”

“No! Jesus, no. You know I’m not in for that kind of lifestyle anymore,” you sighed, realising that they would never understand how much these preconceptions of you hurt you unless you voiced your feelings. And you would never do that.

“I know. I just figured, y’know,” you could almost hear him waggling his eyebrows suggestively as he lowered his voice. “It’s been a while?”

“Oh, fuck off, Yoongi,” you growled, the aggression in your voice reeling him in a little.

“Okay, okay. Sorry. How was it, though?”

You were preoccupied with stuffing your study materials into your backpack. If you didn’t have to turn up at work, you were at least going to spend the rest of the day doing some dreadfully overdue studying. “It went great, but he’s not for me. Let’s stop talking about this?”

Yoongi seemed to catch on that he was prodding at a particularly raw nerve. “Sure. Anyway, I just wanted to check on you, seeing as I probably won’t see you today. And,” he cleared his throat, as though he were about to announce some far-flung royalty’s arrival at court. “You are cordially invited to my house-warming party Saturday after next.”

Your spirits lifted immensely at the invitation to distraction. “Oh, you went with the last place you saw after all?”

“Yeah, I can soundproof it and everything, so,” he didn’t finish his explanation. “You’ll come?”

“Of course I will. Aw, I’m so proud of you and how well you’re doing, Yoongs,” you smarmed, wishing you could pinch his cheeks to fully demonstrate – at risk of assault – the oddly maternal pride you felt. “Don’t forget me when one of your songs make it to Billboard.”

“I’m sure I could consider hiring you as my personal foot masseuse or something,” he mused, and you just knew he had a shit-eating smirk plastered all over his face.

“Uh-huh. Anyway, if Hoseok doesn’t want me to go to work today, I’m going to head to the library to see what damage ignoring all of my academic responsibilities has done. Can you tell him thanks and sorry for me?”

“I will, but he already knows. He’s texted you not to worry about it. We all know what a worrier you are. Just chill out, and if you can’t do that, at least get ahead enough with your revision that I don’t have to see your moping face later on. Okay?”

Anyone else would probably think him rather insensitive, but you knew this was Yoongi’s brand of encouragement. When he had to employ it, he could be pretty good at dishing out tough love. “Yes, darling. Thank you. And thank Hoseok again.”

“Yep. Bye now.”

He hung up before you had a chance to bid him a suitably sarcastic farewell. The little shit always had to have the last word. And he beat you to it, as usual. It struck you often – and others, apparently – how very much you and Yoongi appeared to be cut from the same cloth. Many had remarked how well-suited the two of you would be for each other. And every time they made such comments, you would both throw – in synchronisation – an eye roll that, ironically, probably only reinforced those beliefs.

Even Taehyung had said as much.

You wished those people would make similar comments about you and Taehyung, especially after your many years of being joined at the hip. Didn’t that say something about the steadfastness of your pairing? Despite harbouring such a benign and pointless yearning for validation, none had ever come. No, people enjoyed the novelty of the two of you as friends: The ne’er do well-er and the e’er do well-er. That concept was never tinted with the hue of romance, however. Oh, no, that was far too unlikely. It’s not like the two of you transcended black and white, or, gasp, were multifaceted humans. Instead, the notion of ‘Opposites attract but never last’ was as ingrained into you and Taehyung as the shame you should supposedly shoulder as a woman who had dared sleep with several men.

Perhaps this was the reason Taehyung had never been able to see past the platonic big sister role that had been assigned to you. Or perhaps you needed to stop making excuses and accept that the reason he had shown no interest was because, shock-horror, he wasn’t interested. Getting all Psych 101 about it wasn’t going to help anyone.

These inner musings at least allowed you distraction enough to set yourself on automatic as you attempted to perform the most minimal of self-care. You drifted through your routines like a phantom moored to physical reality.

Showered, check.

Hair brushed, check. Just.

Dressed, check. In clothes that suspiciously resembled pyjamas, but check.

Make-up? Hell no.

And with that most basic of checklists complete, you set yourself the task of merely getting through the day having made some sort of progress, no matter how frugal, with your studies. Although it had become – and this was putting it mildly – an absolute misery to face your textbooks, you knew that the only reason that had become the case was because you were stretched thin between over-exhaustion, poor mental health and an insidious panic that provided the backdrop to this concoction of woe. You had to remind yourself constantly that you did enjoy your subject – utterly, genuinely. It was just difficult to concentrate when you were being hounded by the Black Dog so.

It stalked you the entire way to the library.

It took a seat nearby when you settled yourself on the bus, listening to your music – something you normally took great pleasure in.

You knew you would have to talk to someone soon about everything. That you had long been a car running its 29th mile on an empty tank, perilously close to sputtering to a halt. But until you could be sure that the situation wouldn’t implode and cast you from the life of the person you loved most, you had to persevere. Still, running to Hoseok with your troubles became a more appealing idea every day you spent watching the colour drain from things. He was the most objective of your friends, and the one you felt emotionally closest to. It was certainly something to consider.

Not long ago that had been Taehyung. Until the seed of your tentative, newfound sentiments took root and flowered into a fully-blown conflict over him, that was.

Shoes scraping begrudgingly across the threshold of the library – you never were one to pick your feet up properly, probably all those years of wearing Dr. Marten’s – your card sounded with an amiable beep and whirr of automated doors admitting you. Briefly you wondered how Taehyung would get in, but then you remembered that he was an alumnus and he would still have access.

An alumnus before you were. You tried not to dwell on it.

It was still early and you weren’t expecting him for another 4 hours, so you covered a vacant table with the full extent of your backlog of work and settled in with a coffee.

Apparently, your body found the strength of the beverage somewhat lacking. After making some respectable headway, you must have nodded off because the next thing you saw – no , felt – was the gentle caress of a hand as it smoothed away the wisps of hair veiling your face.

A soothing voice came, and you didn’t want to awaken. “Oh noona,” its owner sighed in exasperation.

When it struck you that this voice wasn’t, in fact, corporeal, you forced your eyes open. How odd that it took so much effort to do so when you had involuntarily closed them in the first place. “Tae…?”

As you rubbed away the edges of your lethargy with balled hands, you watched him take the seat opposite you. His features were pulled downward in sympathy. “I feel awful for disturbing you, but I presume you didn’t intend to fall asleep. Are you okay?”

The crimson of your cheeks signalled the shame you felt at being caught so transparently in your moment of weakness. “I just didn’t sleep that well last night.”

His eyebrows slanted in stern reproach. “Don’t bullshit me, ____. I know something deeper is going on with you, but you won’t confide in me no matter how often I ask. I get that you’re not the sharing type, but if your health is suffering I want you to tell me what’s up with you.”

You squirmed in your seat when you felt the evaluative sting of his tapered eyes as they scanned your appearance. You were certain that if anything screamed ‘I’m a hot fucking mess!’ it was your exterior. Flat, unkempt hair and washed-out loungewear that you hadn’t laundered in a while. Probably deadened, soulless eyes.

Yeah. Perhaps it was telling.

All you could do was stare at him dumbly. It was very rare that he adopted such a direct way of speaking, the silver-tongued interrogator that he was. He had probably never had to work this hard in his life to wrench the truth from someone. You were obviously frustrating him with your constant avoidance and apathy. “Woah. Calm your tits, Tae,” you held your hands up in submission. “Yeah, I have a few things going on, but I haven’t come to you about it because I’m working on resolving them. And I will talk to people about it if it gets worse. So, please, don’t worry. Okay?”

The way he crossed his arms told you that he wasn’t entirely placated, but the sigh that followed said that he would let it go for now. “Alright. You should rejoice, to be honest, because I haven’t come here to add to your worries for once. I’ve come to talk about something pretty awesome.”

You sat up straighter. “Yeah? I thought you were having problems? That’s what you said last night.”

“It’s not really a problem. More that, I just don’t really know how to approach my current situation. And, seeing as you’re my life guide, treasured friend and the coolest girl I know, I’m coming to you,” Taehyung fulsomely declared, raising and dropping his eyebrows.

Try as you might, you couldn’t smother a smirk. “Life guide? Me? Really?” you aimed a finger at your chest incredulously. “Cool – yes, I’ll give you that, and treasured friend – yes, I know I’m the best you’ll ever have. But I look up to you, Tae. It shouldn’t be the other way around.”

He was already shaking his head. “Wrong. I admire you so much. You have grit. And, when I was a weedy little boy, you took me under your wing and looked after me. I know I was weird as fuck back then and probably didn’t seem like I was all there, but I saw, and I remembered.”

You were beginning to feel uncomfortable with the sentimental turn the conversation had taken. If this was to develop into an ongoing one-upmanship of who admired who the most, Taehyung had no idea how grizzly the bear he was poking. Without a doubt, the dam you had so fastidiously built would crack and he would be defenceless against the endless gushing of your ardency.

You cleared your throat. “I’m really touched. You helped me too, though, remember? Countless times. So, let’s just say we’re both cool people and good human beings in general.”

Taehyung’s eyes twinkled as he laughed. “Sure.”

You watched his teeth snare his bottom lip. He seemed uncertain, and that was bad. Always. Usually for you. Leaning towards you, Taehyung rested his elbows on the table. “Noona.”

Imperceptibly, you leaned back a little. “Yeah?”

“Please reconsider going out with Jungkook again,” he winced, rushing out his request and preparing himself for an obstinate rebuff. “I have to see him at work tomorrow. It’s going to be a little awkward.”

Your hands flew to your chest in mock surprise. “No shit?” you dropped them and deadpanned. “He was your choice. Surely you didn’t think I would fall in love with him as soon as I got to the restaurant? Were you expecting news of our imminent engagement?”

Taehyung buried his face in his hands. “Kinda. I was really confident.”

You reached over to pat his mop of hair. Impeccably soft, of course. What the fuck kind of conditioner did he use? “You’re adorable. Still, I’m flattered that you think I somehow possess the skills to trap a guy as quickly as that. He was hot, I admit it, and he was very nice to talk to. I had a lot of fun.”

“Then why not go again?” his arms flew out in exasperation. “Did he text you?”

“Yes,” you confessed, though the memory of his goodnight was as blurry as the foundation-smeared screen you had read it from. “He did everything right.”

“Damn, he was quick,” Taehyung sighed, slumping until the plastic back of his chair dug into the nape of his neck. “So, you’ve already said no.”

“Uh,” you picked up your pen and started doodling. You didn’t even have to look up to know that your sudden interest in biro art had earned you his intense scrutiny. “What did you come to talk about?”

Taehyung pounced, hope pitching his voice. “You didn’t say no?” then, comprehending, it dropped dangerously. “Wait. You ignored him?”

You sucked in a breath as though stabbed and buried your face in the nook of your elbow. In the shadowy respite of your inner arm, your eyes were drawn to a passage of the book pinned beneath. It was entitled ‘Effective Communication’.

Funny.

In the absence of your response, Taehyung smacked the flat of his palm against the table as a summons. “____! You ignored him?”

“Yes,” you whimpered pitifully into the leaves of your textbook. You couldn’t look at him. The crease between his eyebrows, the downturned mouth, the disappointment in his eyes – it hurt even imagining it. “I knew I wouldn’t see him again, so…” you trailed off, knowing that none of your pathetically prepared excuses would fly with Taehyung.

Your shoulders flinched when he huffed. “Maybe not, but I have to!”

So absorbed in your own problems had you been, that that possibility hadn’t occurred to you. You affixed the most plaintive of looks to your face as you raised your head, hoping to subdue his ire with the candour of your regret. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think about that – I didn’t think about anything. The whole idea was bad, I should never have come to you about it.”

It must have worked, because the hardness Taehyung’s usually mellow features had taken on diminished somewhat. He was quiet for a moment, but then he reached out to take one of your hands into his own.

The touch of him was like the repose you found on those bleak, mid-winter Mondays when you weren’t even sure you would make it to the end of your work day. Surrounded by the chipped, scummy tiles of your workplace bathroom, you would linger too long at the sink to wash your hands, savouring the scald of the water as it imbued in you some much-needed warmth. A balm for your weary body and troubled soul, it rattled your bones as it permeated your entire being.

He was like that.

A momentary solace; a reminder that you were flesh and blood, and indeed still feeling, with nerve endings so starved they reached out to ensnare this precious source of vitality.

Of course, all you were doing in reality was staring blankly down at your conjoined hands. Taehyung retrieved you with a squeeze of his fingers. “I sounded much angrier than I actually am. I’m sorry, noona. We’re only co-workers, and I’m sure he’ll get over it. He could have his pick of women, afterall.”

You nodded slowly. “Still, I’ve caused you trouble. I could offer to text him right now, if I was a good person, but I’m not. I’m really not. I can’t do it – I can’t let him down. I’m already negative as fuck at the moment, I’m happier just avoiding the issue.”

This was probably as candid about your recent state as you had been with him. But, of course, nothing ever seemed to unsettle him. Not even watching his strong, indomitable noona crack. He had the sense not to press you further, opting instead to gather your neglected hand into a sandwich between his own. “Stop,” he scolded you softly. “I won’t hear you say that you’re not a good person. You’re the best person in the world, and you can deny it all you like but I would happily shout it from the rooftops for everyone to hear until someone got sick of it and shot me down.”

That drew a snort from you. Heartened, he clapped his hands around you, drawing your dawdling gaze to his face. He smiled widely when he met you there. “Let’s forget about Jungkook. I’ve something to say that will encourage you into believing that there’s light at the end of the dating tunnel, even for the most hopeless of cases.”

Of its own accord, one of your eyebrows shot up. “Oh?”

“Yes,” he nodded, puffing out his chest. “I, Taehyung, may not be cursed to live a life of bachelordom forever. I’m thinking of asking Tara to go exclusive.”

The bathroom tap ran cold, and the tiles shed themselves from the walls like the scales of a decaying fish. The small peace you had been afforded, had shattered.

You were used to these occasional bouts of numbness now, though. In truth, it could be better than feeling, if all you ever felt was some torrid mix of negative emotions. And that’s why it was so easy to go on auto-pilot with a pre-selected smile to denote your happiness. “Oh my God, Taehyung! That’s so great! I’m so happy for you.”

The words were true. No matter how convincing a case your self-hatred made against you, your words were not hollow. Nothing was more important to you than Taehyung’s happiness.

Flickering between a desaturated life devoid of all joy and drowning in a blackened, bubbling pit of self-revulsion and jealousy, nothing was more important to you than Taehyung’s happiness.

The Black Dog peered at you from beneath the table, and you knew it was just a matter of time before it would be stripping your carcass.

But in the darkest of moments, sometimes the most miniscule of lights are sent to guide you back to the fringes of comfort. Your sense of self-preservation, crying out in a last-ditch attempt to recover you from the brink.

For you, it came to you in the form of a name.

Hoseok.

Talk to Hoseok.

That was enough to tether you there and you tune you back in to Taehyung’s animated yammering.

“…and she just has the cutest laugh. Like, I’ve never even noticed the way a girl laughs before, but every time I hear it I feel all weird and warm inside. I want to be with her all the time, I want to show her off to my friends. I want them to be as excited about her as I am,” he continued, his hands having long withdrawn their lifeline from you and instead gesticulated for emphasis in the air. He pointed a finger directly at your face, and you followed it to the end of your nose. “I want you to be excited about her. I think you’d get on really great. We’re very similar, after all.”

“I’m super excited about her,” you lied, so convincingly that his smile stretched to show teeth. “But what did you want my advice about, exactly? It sounds to me like you have everything figured out.”

“Well,” he muttered, and you watched, unimpressed, as his fingers found some of your more important notes to origami. “I’m just not used to this, and I wanted to know what you thought. Am I getting ahead of myself?”

“I think, and I’m glad that I’m not on the receiving end of these words for once, that you’re worrying too much. You like her a lot, and you want to progress with her. Just do it, and see where it leads,” the traitorous words tumbled out of your mouth one after another. “Why not bring her to Yoongi’s party? That could be a good opportunity for you to introduce her to everyone. Then, you can feel like you’ve really taken a step forward.”

“Oh man, that’s a great idea,” Taehyung exclaimed with excitement, taking his phone from his pocket to text her. “I’ll ask her right now. Hyung won’t mind, he’s already met her anyway.”

You squinted at him. “He didn’t invite her?”

Jaw slack in concentration, Taehyung shook his head a fraction. “No, not yet,” he paused to look at a spot on the ceiling. “Wait, that is weird. Why not? Ah, he probably just forgot who I was dating, he’s only met her the once.”

You thought otherwise. Yoongi possessed a sharper mind and memory than most. Every invitation to his party would have been considered carefully. There was no way he would have forgotten to invite the only beau his brother had talked incessantly about.

Weird. Perhaps he didn’t like her all that much? Yoongi could be very particular about the people he spent his time with. Still, he’d never mentioned anything to you about her. Perhaps he preferred to keep the occasion to your tight-knit group.

Glancing down at your scarily scant notes, you reached across the table to tap Taehyung’s elbow. The fondness of the smile with which he beamed to his phone told you he had become absorbed in an exchange with Tara.

His girlfriend. The word sounded alien attached to Taehyung.

“I know we were going to have something to eat, but I’ve done fuck-all here. Wanna raincheck?”

Your prodding startled him from the glare of his screen. “Oh, are you sure?” he lay his phone on the table and started rifling through your jumble of notes. “I can test you on something?”

Finally, a smile reached your eyes for the first time today. He was so fucking, endearingly thoughtful. “No, Tae – go. Seriously. You spend your entire working week doing shit like this, I won’t subject you to more of it. I work better on my own, anyway. But thank you, you are the sweetest of beans.”

Taehyung groaned as he stood up, stretching out his arms. “Bean? Jesus, you haven’t called me that since we were kids.”

“I know how much you love that nickname,” you teased. “I should bring it back.”

His tone was as dry as your poor, strained eyes. “Please don’t. I’m 5’10” now, and much taller than you.”

Pen to your mouth, you considered him for a second. “Alright, beanstalk it is.”

He braced himself by his arms on the table, coat buttoned and ready to go. His fingers scrunched up the reams of disorder beneath them. “When will you finally give me a nickname worthy of my awesomeness? If you want to run with the beanstalk theme, I think Jack is a cool pick.”

Your eyes were swirling with mirth. “Jack isn’t a nickname, it’s a normal name. It tells a person nothing about your personality, you clown.”

Taehyung raised a finger to make some sort of point, but dropped it rather swiftly. He sucked in a breath and hesitated. “You’re right. Clown it is,” he nodded his approval, shooting you two thumbs up. “Okay noona, get your ass into gear. I want a text of your total word count by the end of the day.”

Elbow propped on the table and eyes firmly glued to the passage whose meaning had been evading you for the past three minutes despite several rereads, you grunted. “Sure, I’ll send screenshots. Now get going, jackass, and enjoy your day off.”

“Oh no,” he whined, rounding the table to ruffle your hair. The fact that it probably looked no worse for it granted you some wry amusement. “Why do I keep giving you ammunition? I’m going now,” he pressed a kiss to the crown of your head. “Look after yourself. I’ll text you soon.”

You patted his back as he turned to leave. “You too.”

Standing to collect your notes into some semblance of order, you cussed under your breath when you found his phone sitting, forgotten, under one of your sheets. “Tae—“ you turned to call for him, but he had already disappeared from sight.

Taking the device into your hand, you sighed. Half from the effort you realised you would have to exert in order to return this to him, and half because even something as basic and impersonal as his caseless phone was enough to invoke a faint throb in your chest. The screen and sides were scuffed all over, a sign that it belonged to a clumsy, haphazard man. You were sure you had inflicted a few of these scratches yourself; your rough, impromptu exchanges of violent affection – a surprise trip to the floor, an unwarranted nut-tap – having resulted in a fair few scuffles. The culmination of these brawls was usually the gut-wrenching clatter of his poor, abused phone slipping from one of those giant hoody pockets you told him not to put it in, onto the floor.

You stuffed his phone into your satchel to ensure that you would not be the second person guilty of leaving ot behind that day, and figured that you would return it to him tomorrow. You had some errands to run in his part of the city and could drop it off at the end of his school day.

The embodiment of Taehyung’s vibrant social life buzzed incessantly in your bag, and you rolled your eyes. You presumed he would be able to live without it for one day, but with the amount of use it appeared to get, you weren’t entirely sure. Could he function without the internet? And what about Google Maps? Taehyung without his GPS was a scary thought to behold. It wasn’t improbable that he could go missing the next day and turn up halfway across the world, befuddled and dazed, muttering a single word: “Phone?”

You took out your own, much smaller, inexpensive phone and tapped a quick couple of messages to Yoongi.

[14:45] You’re seeing Tae tonight, right? Can you tell him I have his phone?

[14:45] I’ll drop it by the school at 4pm ish tomorrow.

A few minutes of unfocused doodling followed, before you felt the vibration of his reply.

[14:49] Yoongi Sure. Can he survive until then, is the question.

You grinned roguishly. Great minds.

[14:50] I doubt it. You’re going to be babysitting a guy going into withdrawal tonight.

[14:51] Yoongi …sigh

Something from your earlier interaction with Taehyung sprang to the forefront of your mind just then, and while you had Yoongi’s attention, you decided to question him.

[14:53] Hey

[14:54] Why didn’t you invite Tara to your party?

You chewed your lip, watching the dots of his impending reply roll across your screen.

[14:55] Yoongi I know her hardly at all, and it’s my party, not Taehyung’s.

[14:55] Yoongi It’s not a huge place and I’d rather keep the affair to those I want to talk to.

God, he was always so blunt about things. You hadn’t even met her, and you thought that was rather harsh. Something about his response was off, but you weren’t quite sure what. You’d just presumed that he would extend a plus one invitation to her, considering she was his brother’s – now – steady girlfriend.

[14:57] Uh, don’t hate me, but I told Tae to invite her. He wants to introduce her to people.

[14:58] Sorry if I did wrong, I didn’t know you felt that way.

Your teeth dug deeper into your bottom lip as you considered how badly you may have fucked up. Yoongi was slow to let people in, and those who wronged him were quickly cut out. You knew that would never be the case with you, but crossing him – no matter how minor the conflict – was something you tried very hard never to do. You held an immense respect for the man and his limited patience, and placed great value on your friendship. If Taehyung was your spiritual connection, and Hoseok your emotional, Yoongi was your practical. He kept you earthed, and often pulled you from your headspace when you needed it most to enjoy the things in life you would so easily miss in your bouts of introspection.

[15:01] Yoongi It’s fine. I’m a little surprised, but it’s fine. I don’t dislike her.

Why would he be surprised? your mind whirred with prospective possibilities, but came up with none. He was almost as closed a book as you, so you let it drop. It was enough that he wasn’t icing you out. Icing, because he didn’t possess a fiery temper, oh no. He was the king of cold. Cold shoulders and silencing glares.

[15:02] Okay… thank you for not hating me 😘😘😘

[15:03] Yoongi Wow, you’re really spoiling for a fight today, huh?

[15:03] Yoongi Get those fucking eyesores away from me.

His pet hate for emojis never failed to amuse you, and unfortunately for him his distaste for the harmless pictographs only fuelled your desire to use them. Today, however, you had more important and less risky things to do than provoke him into switching your lockscreen to porn and changing your PIN. Again.

[15:04] Sorry, I forgot you’re a weirdo that despises happiness and fun. I’ll leave you alone now.

[15:04] Yoongi Finally.

You could’ve replied to Hoseok’s earlier texts and taken your procrastination game even higher, but you knew it wouldn’t be in your best interest to lengthen the amount of time your notebooks remained blank. And so, heaving a sigh as heavy as the fatigue on your back, you embedded your pen firmly in a claw-like grip and began scratching away the blank white spaces.

Monday had been an entirely unnoteworthy day thus far, but at least it had been devoid of that dull, pervasive ache you were so well acquainted with these days. You’d pulled yourself together and studied diligently until the early evening yesterday and had gone home feeling somewhat accomplished, and that was the flightiest of feelings recently.

To reward yourself, you’d stocked up on baking supplies and resolved to try your hand at one of the most challenging recipes you’d seen on Pinterest yet. Of course, most of the difficulty lay in the decorating and not the baking itself, but it was a much-needed outlet for your stifled creativity. You’d never found your feet with art, writing or music, and had all but given up hope of ever being skilled in any of these areas. One tipsy evening back in your university days, one of your roommates had twisted your arm into helping with the baking of an anniversary cake. The cake tasted like absolute shit, of course, because two giggling, drunk girls approximating every ingredient wasn’t ever going to be a recipe for success. But that was how you had discovered your distinctive propensity for moulding cake-top figures and fancy calligraphic icing. No, it hadn’t been edible, but you’d considered the creation a piece of art and gave it pride of place in your dorm until the question of hygiene forced its untimely destruction down the garbage disposal. And as trivial and unsubstantial your novelty of skill was, it was something

So, after having ticked off far more on yesterday’s checklist than you had ever bothered to write down, you were feeling good. Well-rested, well-studied and well on your way to having had a rather agreeable day. You were even fairly put-together today – awakening refreshed and far earlier before you were due in for your shift, you’d taken your time picking out your clothes and applying a natural face of make-up. It was night and day how different you felt in comparison to yesterday. But, you knew how fickle that fuck of a flirt contentedness could be, and didn’t take it for granted. Today, however, you were doing well. And if that fucking Dog showed up today, you felt liable to chase it off with a shotgun.

In fact, you were doing so well that you decided to postpone your talk with Hoseok a little longer. Just knowing that that you had allowed yourself that as a possibility gave you untold relief. Even he picked up on the shift in your recent mood and smiled all the brighter for it. Seriously, who needed the sun for your daily dose of Vitamin D when you had Hoseok?

One thing that had helped had been setting Taehyung’s phone to night mode so you could be without a constant reminder of the man burning a hole in your pocket and your heart. After you did that, a peace had settled over you. Apron covered with a dusting of flour and spatula in hand, you’d cranked up your iPod to maximum and frolicked around your kitchen screeching Bonnie Tyler’s ‘I Need A Hero’ into the wooden implement. You must have looked ridiculous, but your spirits soared. It had been incredibly freeing.

When you bid Hoseok a goodbye and caught the bus to the other side of the city, your best friend’s phone in hand, you returned the smiles of your fellow passengers and bobbed your head in time to the motivational music blasting into your ears. This levity saw you bouncing down the steps of the bus and towards the school, grinning openly at the kids who flapped their hands at you in greeting as they left for their homes.

Waving at the women you were acquainted with at reception, they gathered to gush over the box of cupcakes you’d brought them. “Oh my God, ____, it’s been so long. Please, come more often!” they implored around mouthfuls of cake. After the usual polite enquiries into eachothers’ personal lives, they saw you off to Taehyung’s classroom with sugar-sated smiles.

Earbuds once again in place, you sang quietly under your breath as you traipsed the eerily empty corridors, navigating the route expertly. You’d been here so many times, you knew it as though it had been your own school once.

“No promises, no demands! Love is a battlefield,” your voice had grown louder without your knowing. Apparently, you’d become overwhelmed with fervour for the song. The only reason you now knew this was because as you’d rounded the corner and stepped over the threshold into Taehyung’s classroom, you’d collided face-first with something solid, knocking the buds from your ears. The last few words died in your throat as you looked up at what – no, who – you had nearly given yourself a bloody nose over.

Jungkook.

Fuck.

You had forgotten he worked here.

Oh God, you were an awful person.

Of course he works here.

Upon first realising who he had come into collision with, a flash of surprise had lit up his eyes. It evaporated quickly, however, when he noticed he was gripping your upper arms with some strength. And, by extension, holding you rather snugly to him. He released you immediately and scratched the back of his neck, his gaze flying about your face. You understood that you must have looked a lot different than you had on your date. It was a small mercy, in the midst of this incredibly awkward situation, that he hadn’t seen the state of you yesterday. “____,” he finally spoke, and you watched the bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed. “I love that song.”

“Oh no,” you cried in a tiny, flat voice. “You heard that?”

The prominent front teeth you had tried so hard to forget about made an appearance in the form of a heart-warming smile. “I did. I’m not at all sorry, either.”

“I am,” you muttered, tucking a few stray tresses behind your ear far more meekly than you were accustomed to behaving. Why the fuck were you so shamelessly coquettish with him? You didn’t even want him.

You should stop sending mixed signals.

Straightening, you cleared your throat and pushed past him into the classroom. “I’m on a bit of an 80s kick lately. It really elevates my mood.”

Against your expectations, instead of taking his leave, Jungkook followed you inside. “Same. Nothing gets you more pumped, right?”

You nodded cautiously, unsure of what his intentions were. “Yeah. Uh,” you looked around the empty room as though there was a possibility of Taehyung hiding under one of the desks. Where was he? “How are you?” the question came out so stilted that you couldn’t bear to look at him.

Jungkook sounded a little uneasy, but the cordial tone of his voice assured you that there appeared to be no hard feelings. “I’m doing really well.”

Phew.

“All the better for seeing you, though.”

Shit.

You turned and shot him a half-hearted smile. There was no sense in prolonging this. “Have you seen Tae?”

Immediately the air of the room seemed to solidify, as though even breathing in would be hazardous. The source of this sudden atmospherical change emanated from Jungkook, whose previously easy, open posture melted away. He stiffened and turned away from you, so that you could only measure the hurt you had caused him by one half of his face. Your skin prickled with the switch in his demeanour. No longer a puppy bounding in welcome to greet you, his figurative hackles were raised in defence.

Then it hit you.

He thought you were here to see him. No wonder he had been so friendly.

Fuck!

Before you could splutter out an incoherent string of sincere but foolhardy apologies, Jungkook got there first. “You didn’t come to see me?” his words weren’t charged. They didn’t burn hot with fury. They weren’t even cold, or callous, or retentive of any number of justifiably indignant emotions. But it made your insides turn inexplicably. He sounded so…

Disappointed.

“Uh,” you grasped desperately for your own words but, as usual, they abandoned you in droves in the face of abject humiliation. Still stood with his side to you, his profile was impassive. His eyes gave him away, though, so expressive as they were. He was disappointed. It was searing you far more severely than any explosion of anger could. Your heart shrivelled beneath 3rd degree burns. “I—“

“Sorry,” he interjected before you could say anything more. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. It’s not a big deal,” he shrugged, finally facing you. He smiled, but his eyes didn’t crinkle in that adorable way you had been so fortunate to witness on your date. “If you’re looking for Taehyung, he just went to fetch his belongings from the staffroom.”

“I was looking for him, but I—“

It didn’t seem like you would ever get a word in today.

Taehyung blew in like a tempest and strode over to you, gathering you up into his arms in a hug that had your feet leaving the floor. You struggled against him and cursed his proclivity for being so extra in the most mistimed of moments. “Tae, what the fuck?”

When you wouldn’t stop wriggling, he dropped you and bowed exaggeratedly and repeatedly in prostration. “I got you to come all the way out here due to my forgetfulness and then I’m late to show up. I’m an asshole.”

“Yes, you are,” you agreed readily, casting an apologetic glance over his shoulder at Jungkook. He didn’t catch it, though, because he was already heading for the door, shoulders slack.

Taehyung followed your gaze and flapped his arms as though in panic. Then, he announced, unnecessarily loudly: “Noona, I have to shoot off. Thanks for bringing my phone,” he snatched the device you were now presenting to him and pecked your cheek. Dashing away, he barrelled past Jungkook on his way out, sending him off-balance. An impressively distant voice yelled an apology while the younger man stood there looking mildly confounded.

“I’m really sorry about him,” you mumbled, dropping your empty hand to your side and slinging your drooping bag over your shoulder. As you stepped toward him, he looked up at you. “I can’t control him, even at this age.”

It was minute, but you caught Jungkook’s good-natured snort. “He’s unique, definitely. That’s probably what makes him so popular,” his gaze flickered with laden implication. “Taehyung’s a nice guy. He talks about you a lot.”

Your eyes widened and your mouth dropped. The lacklustre control you had over your facial faculties allowed the thrill of delight you felt to tamper with your every feature. “He does?”

Jungkook seemed to be scrutinising you. The potency with which he regarded you had you shifting your feet in discomfort. “Yeah,” he finally answered. “That’s why I wanted to meet you.”

Fuck, that was like a punch in the gut.

You sucked in a pained breath, preparing yourself to finally end this excruciatingly unpleasant charade, but you hesitated.

He waited. He must have known it was coming. He stood there, doe-eyes vast and radiating truth, his mouth slightly agape.

Those teeth peeking out.

Maybe it was your unusually good mood. Maybe it was being left in Taehyung’s dust again.

Or maybe it was him. Maybe it was just him, and maybe there was something, anything, enough there that had you proposing the opposite of what you had intended.

“Would you like to go out again this week?”

Jungkook’s jaw clamped shut with the snap of teeth on teeth, his eyes rendered impossibly wider. “What?”

You started to lose your nerve. Would he reject you after your outwardly heartless treatment of him? It began to occur to you just how insensitive your actions must have come across. First you ignored his text without so much as an acknowledgement of receipt, and then you turned up at his workplace, the one place you should have respectfully stayed away from, having entirely forgotten that he would be there. Even if he did know the truth, however, how would that brighten the light in which you were now painted? Surely the fact that you were intending to use him as a vessel for your overflowing feelings for your best friend was just as, if not more, heinous. But the twist in your gut every time he looked at you told you that this, for whatever reason, was the right path to take.

So, you repeated yourself. “I know that I haven’t made the best impression, but I enjoyed my date with you, Jungkook, and I would like to go out again. I understand entirely if you don’t want—“

“Yes,” he interrupted eagerly. The volume of his voice dropped. “Yes, I want to. And don’t say that,” he chided you softly. “You didn’t make a bad impression. You made a very good one, actually. That’s why I…”

You blinked rapidly in astonishment at what was unfolding here. He wasn’t angry? He didn’t hate your guts? Was this guy for real?

“That’s why I would have been kicking myself if I had fucked this up in some way,” he finished, and you had to stop yourself from falling face-first into the floor.

Fucked up?

Him?

“Oh Jesus, Jungkook,” you laughed in disbelief; an airy, faltering sound. “You didn’t fuck up. Not at all. I should have made clear my intentions,” you drew in a shuddering breath. Why were you exposing yourself to him so much? You barely knew the guy. “I’ve just been in a pretty bad place recently, and I didn’t think it would be fair for you to get sucked into that.”

Although that hadn’t been the primary reason for your spurning of him, indirectly, you reasoned, it was for the better. Innocents shouldn’t have to be subjected to your temperamental moods.

The sweetest of smiles met you when you glanced up from the floor. “I understand,” he murmured, and you braced yourself for the snub you had set yourself up for. This was the reason you didn’t want to put yourself out there anymore.

You were too weak.

Even for a guy you had no feelings for, his rejection would break you.

No-one would ever accept you in your entirety. Not when you consisted mostly of the baggage you still lugged from your youth, and had ready a tower of empty luggage to make mobile all your future struggles.

“But that doesn’t deter me.”

Your eyebrows met in confusion. You searched his features, repeatedly, for any sign of the joke that this surely was. He was just getting his revenge, right? For your being so uncaring?

Between all the rises and dips, the curves and points of his handsome face, however, you could find no evidence of insincerity. He was a beacon of honesty.

“We all have our problems,” he elaborated, when you made no move nor sound. “I have plenty, and I’m scared to show that to someone, too. But I will if you will.”

“Jungkook,” was all you could mumble, the shards of your guard laying shattered between you.

Although his previous words had dripped with confidence, his voice wavered now. “Of course, I don’t want to force you into anything you’re not ready for. If you don’t want to date me, I completely understand. I won’t contact you again, if that’s what you’d prefer.”

Emboldened by his candour, you shook your head resolutely. “No, no. I want to date you, Jungkook. Let’s go out again, okay?”

You watched the cute little points of his cupid’s bow straighten over his teeth. This grin was so dazzling, so sincerely jubilant that you were momentarily taken aback. “Okay. Would you like to go to the movies sometime this week?”

“That sounds great,” you smiled, his joy infectious. “Make it a horror movie, if they’re showing one.”

The past 10 minutes had been such a rollercoaster you must have lost your mind along the way, because you didn’t even recognise yourself now. You rocked, from heel to toe, on the spot. Your hands were once again uncharacteristically clutched behind your back in diffidence. And, most peculiar of all, your heart was thrumming at the pace of a hummingbird.

Not because you were caught in a lie.

Not because you were fraught with frustration from tying yourself to a man you didn’t want.

But because you actually wanted this. Adverse to your feelings but a mere quarter of an hour ago, you couldn’t understand why you had avoided this so adamantly.

Maybe it was your good mood.

Maybe it was Taehyung leaving you in his dust again.

But it probably was him. It was just him, it was just Jungkook.

Your first date together had been so much fun; you recalled, fondly, how averse you were to its ending. But it had to, and you had to return to reality. That had been enough to break the spell. If not magic, then alcohol. And when that had left your bloodstream, it was almost like it had all been but a baseless dream. He hadn’t looked at you in adoration, or desire. The text had simply been courtesy, as was the stumble home you had taken together. He’d merely wanted to ensure your safety so that you would no longer have to be on his conscience.

And that is what you had convinced yourself of, in the starkness of morning. It was easier to run away, telling yourself such believable lies, than to allow yourself to indulge the possibility that someone wanted you.

Jungkook waved a hand in front of your face. He stood just a couple of feet away now, and you looked up at him. You could only guess what kind of emotions he’d had a front row seat to. “You okay?”

You nodded immediately, keen to assuage any doubt in his mind that you wanted this. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“I was just saying, you’re a fan of horror?” he repeated himself, but he didn’t look annoyed, or even mildly put out by your inattention. Feet planted on the floor, he swayed left and right by his ankles, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. A lazy, lop-sided smile pulled one corner of his mouth higher than the other. Your lungs seemed to compress, then, and it hit you for the first time today just how incredibly appealing he was. It hadn’t been the inebriation, it hadn’t been the soft light of the restaurant, or the romance of hot breath on the cold night’s air.

He was fucking gorgeous.

Thankfully, these observations were made internally, and quickly. You didn’t leave him hanging for long. “No, I hate it,” you confided, smirking at his confusion. “But that’s why you go and see them, right? To get scared shitless?”

Jungkook caught your meaning and clicked his tongue against his teeth. “Right. Don’t worry, I’ll protect you. They don’t frighten me at all,” he raised his chin and jabbed a thumb into his chest. “I’m definitely that guy at the end of the movies that always survives. Stick with me, and you’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, right,” you scoffed, pushing him away playfully. You literally were textbook flirting right now, and you weren’t even consciously doing it. “I’d be screaming so loud that I’d get the both of us killed, so you’d be better off just saving yourself.”

Jungkook folded his arms, unimpressed. “You really think I’d do something like that? That’s not my style.”

You shrugged, enjoying this strangely charged back and forth. It showed plainly on your face as you leaned in. “Good. Prepare yourself, then, because I am quite the screamer.”

Why you were being so fucking blatant, you had no idea, but you decided to stop yourself before you made him uncomfortable. The look on his face, however, once it had recovered from the shock, was nothing if not complete comfort. And relish, and excitement, and fire. “Duly noted.”

And that was where you left it. You dispelled the tension in the air with a proclamation of your desire to get homebound, and he didn’t protest. Today was probably something the both of you needed to stew on. Instead, he inclined his head slightly, smiling all the while, and bid you an affable farewell. The moment you made your exit, you were sure you were going to float away to join the clouds. They glowed pink in the sunset, as did your cheeks.

On the bus home, you took out your phone and scrolled to the person you were looking for.

[16:37] This is my belated response to let you know how much I’m looking forward to our second date. I’ll text you again soon. Promise.

After you sent your message, your fingers flew across the screen meaningfully, a smile blossoming with every tap on the keyboard. This was your step forward. This was you being unafraid.

He must have been looking at his phone, because his reply was almost instantaneous.

[16:38] Jungkook me too. 👻

Next: 04 || WYLEI Masterlist

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literarynerd05 · 4 years

Text

Grief, depression, and more

The last year has been a rough one. I started to go back to college full-time last year. The first week of school I broke my ankle. Not only did I break it but I also sprained it and bruised the bone. Let me tell you that a bruised bone hurts like fucking hell. Because of this I was off work for quite some time (and I had already cut way down on my hours because of school.) Once I had healed I decided not to go back to work right away because the end of the semester was coming up and my mental illnesses started to act up. I finally went back to work but quit after only being back a few weeks because they used how long I was gone to put me back down to base pay, aka they took away my raise. I knew it was not a mistake because the owner of this place is vindictive and only cares about you when it suits her. I quit and was told that I was “blackmailing” her by quitting. (Yeah, I know dumb shit.)

I decided to just focus on school and live off of my tax refunds but my mental illnesses were not getting better, only worse. My anxiety was becoming debilitating, coupled with my depression and then insomnia and hypersomnia decided to come to play as well. I ended up taking a medical withdraw for that semester and worked hard to get back to a norm mentally speaking. I thought that I was fine and started back to school in late August.

And here is when life decided to throw even more lemons at me. I had to stay home the first full week of school because I had pink eye. Normally you are given antibiotic eye drops for this but the ER doctor thought that it was caused by allergies. He was wrong. I spent the week with very little vision in my right eye and did not feel safe driving because of this. I went to the doctor at the end of that week and found out that it was regular pink eye, so I had spent the entire week unknowingly contagious. My first thought? It was a good thing I stayed home. Some of my instructors however? Thought that I should have been there even after finding out that I had been unknowingly contagious for the entire week. So beginning of the semester and I am out of absences in two of my classes. Joy. So all I have to do is not get sick for the next 15 weeks, easy. Not like flu season is going to be coming nor the time of year when everyone is sick.

Yeah, of course I got sick again. I ended up getting a sinus infection that knocked me down for over a week. Because of this I was going to automatically fail those 2 classes that I had already used up my absences in. Was basically told this while I was still sick. Nothing like knowing you will automatically fail two classes just for being sick. (My bad, I also missed a day in these classes because I overslept. I am okay with getting penalized for that day.) Now we are in October, the 11th to be exact. I went back to classes that day (the ones that weren’t going to fail me) I was supposed to go see Blue October in concert that day but gave up my ticket because I was sick and because I was leaving the next day to go to Texas with my dad to see my family. We go to Texas, had a good time, got to see most of my nieces and nephews. I get an email while there that I have to drop those two classes since I will automatically fail them. We get back on the 20th of October.

I go to classes and everything the next day and stop by and fill out the drop form for those classes that day. Cool, now everything can get back to normal and I can focus on the rest of the semester. The next day I had a doctor’s appointment in between classes so I came home after my first class that day. My last class did not start until 2 so I was able to spend time with my dog and cat that I had missed the whole week I was gone. When I left around 1:30 my cat went out (she was an inside/outside cat.) When I got back home she didn’t come in but I was not worried, she liked to stay outside longer some days. But as each hour passed and she did not come in whenever I went out with my dog, I started to get super worried. When I was about to go to bed around 8, I took my dog (Nike) out and tried to get Lilo (my cat) to come in. She did not come. At this point, I just had a feeling that something wasn’t right. I kept trying to get her to come in and even walked around calling for her and shaking a cup of food. I needed to get to bed because I wanted to go to work at school early the next day to make up some hours. I kept trying to find her and get her to come in but she never came. I ended up going to bed late and was not going to go anywhere until I knew that she was okay. I couldn’t look for her very well at the time because it was dark. The next morning about 8:30 I got up and went right out to look for her. I soon found her but I was too late. She was gone. Something had attacked and killed her. I found her in bushes by the abandoned house next door. I cannot begin to describe the sound that I made when I found her. I wish I had had the money to get her cremated but sadly, I did not. I got a blanket that she liked to lay on (and that my dog did as well) and wrapped her in it. When I first found her, she was under my house in the crawl space. So, I figured I would put her as close to there as I could, it seemed fitting. I say when I found her but really, she found me. She adopted me. She decided that I was her human and she lived here and that was that. In the Spring I plan on planting flowers there and my friend made me something to mark her grave.

At first I handled it by randomly crying and putting everything into school. I even stayed at school as late as I could most days. I pushed on. I ran from how I was feeling. It finally caught up to me around my birthday. Apparently my birthday is a trigger for me anyway because that is around the time that my mom stopped talking to her family. My birthday week did me in. I collapsed into myself. I kept trying to crawl my way back out of the dark hole that I was back in but could not find the light. The week after I thought I was better and planned on going back to classes but I had taken my cats stuff out of my room at the beginning of that week. That hit me really hard. It kind of cemented the fact that she was gone.

So, now I am back to failing college again. The two father figures in my life (my father and my ex-stepdad (who has been in my life since I was 4)) do not understand what I am going through at all. I have barely been taking care of myself the last few weeks, so things have been ignored. (aka the dishes, school etc.) My dad decides to take pictures of the dirty dishes and post it on Facebook. So, on top of how I am already feeling, I get to see these people that do not even know me or my situation berating me and saying all kinds of nasty things, telling my dad to kick me out etc. He did this 2 weeks in a row. A few of his friends recognized that I was having mental health issues and tried to get him to understand. I talked to my ex-stepdad today and of course had to tell him about school. His reaction was what I expected it to be and when I told him it was depression again he said that it is just an excuse I use basically to be lazy. He has never understand that there is something chemically wrong in my brain that causes this, not including the trauma that I have endured.

I can only handle so much and at some point, I break. I try and I try to keep pushing on but that only works for so long. I do not like being my age and depending on my dad. I wish I could be better. I wish I did not have depression, anxiety, PTSD, and insomnia. I wish I could just “get over it.” I wish I could just “move on.” But I can’t. My cat was not just a pet. She was my baby. A piece of me is missing and I feel so empty. I feel lost again. I feel like a failure again. I just want to succeed for once in my life. I just want things to go right for once. I am tired of everything going to shit every time I turn around. I want to be out of debt. I want to have my own car...my own place. I want more animals. I want to help other people. I wish I could do some sort of magic and make the people in my life that do not understand what depression really is, what it really is like in my head, feel what I feel. I want them to try to live a day in my head. I just want to be better. I want to be happy. I am going to take a break from school and work and save up some money again. I know having money again will help me immensely. I actually have a good opportunity that has come up that has the potential to make some decent money. The only one that was excited for me was my best friend.

I think that is all I have for now...I have rambled on quite a bit. Here is a picture of my beautiful Lilo that I took for a photography project.

#depression #grief #pet loss #mental health

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obviouslyelementary · 7 years

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Hey, so I saw you were taking prompts? I have one. (There's already Simone who said they would work on this one but I feel like there's so many ways this could go) anyways, Thomas and the sides all do a game of truth or dare for a video. Fans submit questions maybe? And it just ends up becoming a shipping fest. (I ship prinxiety and logicality) but yeah. So there's one if you are interested... ^//^' That is all

2K WORDS LATER AND IT IS FINALLY DONE

SORRY FOR THE WAIT

______________________________________________________________

“Is everyone settled?”Thomas asked, looking around at his traits, the bowls with the questions in hishands. The fans had asked and he had delivered: a truth or dare video with theSanders squad. He was excited.

“I’m all ready!”Morality said, giving a thumbs up to the camera and giving a wide smile.

“I was born ready”Prince was the next, smirking to the camera.

“There is nothing toprepare for this video aside from my patience” Logic assured, fixing hisglasses.

“I don’t want to behere” Anxiety mumbled, crossing his arms and looking down.

“Alright!” Thomas said,ignoring literally all of them at that point and just sitting on the couch,deciding that keep standing up would be a waste of energy. He was quickly followedby the other four, with Morality and Prince to his left and Anxiety and Logicto his right. “This will be completely random, and we will start Morality, thenPrince, then Anxiety and Logic last. Alright?”

“Yes!” Moralitysquealed, excited, and Thomas smiled at the persona he most identified with.

“Great! Truth or dare, Morality?”

“Wait” Anxiety saidbefore the father could answer. Thomas looked at him. “You know what’s writtenin there, right?”

“Nah, I told my friendsto choose. After all, if I knew it, you guys would know it too” Thomas said,smiling and making Anxiety flinch. “Okay Morality! Truth or dare?”

“Um… Let’s start withan easy truth” Morality said, smiling, and Thomas nodded, taking the truth bowland choosing a random paper. He opened it up and smiled widely.

“Who is the oldestpersona, and who is the youngest?” Thomas asked, eyes curious, and Moralitychuckled lightly, smiling contently.

“Well that’s easy! I amthe oldest and Anxiety is the youngest, even though we have the same age as youThomas. Obviously” he said, smiling at Anxiety. “I remember vividly the daywhen that boy appeared here. It was a mess!”

“Only the answer, Dad”Anxiety said, firmly, and Morality frowned but nodded anyway, keeping quiet.Thomas raised an eyebrow but soon ignored it and simply turned to Prince.

“Okay. Princey, truthor dare?”

“Dare. I am feelingadventurous today” he said, smirking, and Thomas nodded, smiling as he choseanother paper from the other bowl. When he read it, a fit of giggles came outof his mouth and he looked at Prince.

“Well… The fans dareyou to chose one of the other’s to dress up as for an entire round” he said,smiling, and Prince stared at him surprised, before groaning deeply, regrettinghis decision. Then, he hesitantly looked at Anxiety, who widened his eyes.

“No…” Anxiety said, butPrince just frowned.

“I am not going to wearanything around my neck. Give me one of your coats” he said, firmly, andAnxiety looked at Thomas, eyes showing betrayal.

“I am losing a warmcoat because of you Sanders” he said coldly, before clicking his fingers andmaking his second coat appear in front of himself, before giving it to Prince,who put it over his own Prince clothes. Thomas just chuckled.

“Truth or dare, Anxiety?”he asked, smirking, and the dark persona rolled his eyes, before looking rightat him.

“Truth, Thomas.”

“Alright” the hostsaid, choosing a random truth and opening it up. He then smirked. “Truth. Haveyou ever been in love?”

That damned questionhad to come up to him, of all people. He seriously deserved all the shit hewent through every day, didn’t he?

“Yes” he said, slowly,but firmly, so they wouldn’t have any reason to think he was embarrassed. Theothers stared at him, eyes wide, and Morality opened a wide smile.

“I knew it!” he saidhappily. “Who is it? Tell us!”

“That wasn’t thequestion” he said firmly, and looked at Thomas with cold eyes. “Go to the next”

“Okay, okay” Thomassaid, a little scared, and turned to Logic. “Logan. Truth or dare?”

“I will go with dare”he said, surprising everyone in the room including Thomas. The host stared athim for a little longer before taking a paper out of the ‘dare’ bowl andopening it up.

His eyes widened and hesmiled widely before looking back at Logic.

“Well… You have to kiss theprettiest person in this room” he said, and Logic felt his cheeks burning, alump in his throat. Anxiety smirked widely and Prince moved away out of reflex,while Morality just watched, curious. “Go ahead”

“I… Am not doing thiswith everybody looking” Logic said, firmly, and Thomas frowned.

“Awn come on! How willwe know if you really kissed anyone?” he asked, but Logic sent him an angryglance.

“I don’t lie Thomas. ButI will not kiss someone with everyone looking. After all, this is beingrecorded. You will all eventually find out” he said, and Thomas nodded slowly,closing his eyes.

“Okay. Guys. Close itup” he said, and all of the others sighed before closing their eyes, leavingLogic alone to himself.

The teacher honestlythought about not doing anything, but his eyes caught the camera and heswallowed thick, knowing that if he didn’t do anything the others would getannoyed and something worst would happen later.

So, slowly, he stood upfrom his place next to Anxiety and Thomas and walked in front of Morality,staring at him for a long time. The lump on his throat got bigger the longer hestared at Morality’s closed eyes, and before he felt completed out of it, heleaned in without supporting his weight on the couch and pressed his shaky lipsagainst Morality’s closed ones.

The kiss was quick,chaste, and before Morality could respond, Logic pulled away and pressed hislips to the father’s ear, his breath shaky.

“I know they will findout” he whispered, voice wavering “but please don’t tell. I’m sorry” hefinished, pulling away and heading back to his place before Morality could sayanything else. “You guys can open your eyes”

“Lies!” Prince said ashe opened his eyes. “He didn’t kiss anyone because he didn’t kiss me and I’mclearly the prettier”

“Nah. Logic has a weirdkink for glasses. He probably kissed Dad” Anxiety said, shrugging at Prince’sincredulous face. “In any case, we will find out when Thomas edits the video”

“Indeed” Thomas said,smiling, and turned to Morality, who was still a little dazed, looking like hewas somewhere else entirely. “Morality?”

“Yes?” he asked, andthen shook his head, focusing back on the game. “I mean, dare”

“Dare? Okay” Thomassaid, smirking, and removed a paper from the dare bowl. “Here it says: say nicethings about one of the others, the one you think needs to listen to them themost.”

“Easy” Morality said, smilingwidely, turning to Prince. “Normally I would say it to Anxiety, but these lastdays have been rough for you Roman, so I think it would be best for you tolisten to them now, specially because Logic and Anxiety became close friendsand support each other now. Well what I want to say is that you are veryspecial to me and even though sometimes you want to do everything perfect, it’salright to relax and not do so great, because that can be tiring and you needto take a moment to yourself. You’re already amazing and everybody likes you.You have to start liking yourself before you, as you like to put, become yourown villain. I love you Ro” he said, smiling, and the royal blushed lightly,looking down at his hands. Thomas cooed, smiling widely as Prince chuckledquietly.

“Thanks Dad… I don’tlisten to that a lot” he said honestly, and Morality smiled, opening his armsfor a hug. After a moment of hesitation, Prince hugged him as well, and Thomaslet out a happy squeal, while both Logic and Anxiety made disgusted faces toeach other.

“Okay Prince! Your turn”Thomas said, and Prince pulled back, sighing and looking at his host.

“Let’s go with truth”he said, and Thomas nodded, removing a paper from the truth bowl.

“If you had to make oneof you disappear, who would you choose and why?” he asked, looking up andmaking Prince’s eyes widen.

“Wait” Logic said,looking at Thomas. “This is like making him choose who to kill”

“Um… I think so” Thomassaid, frowning at the question. “It does sound very bad. If you want me tochange the question…”

“Me” Prince said, andThomas looked up with wide eyes. Prince sighed. “I would choose myself. How canI choose between the others? Imagine how depressed you would be withoutMorality, or how naïve you would be without Logic, or how reckless you would bewithout Anxiety. No. I would have to make myself disappear. I’m basically the leastuseful anyway. I give you ideas, but that is only good because of your videosand theater. Without me, you wouldn’t work with this, but at least you would behappy and smart and safe” he said, furrowing his eyebrows. “I am… kindauseless, now that I think about it”

“Roman…” Moralitymuttered, and Anxiety shook his head.

“No. You should get ridof me. I cause so much trouble for all of you and for Thomas and you clearlyhate me” he said, looking at the royal. “You’re his source of everything”

“I’m nothing more thana prompt generator Anxiety” Prince said, rolling his eyes. “Thomas needs me fornothing more than liking Disney, decorating songs and having ideas for videos.I am a plus, yes, but I am not necessary.”

“You’re Thomas’personality!” Anxiety said, outraged. “Without you he would be blank!”

“No. He wouldn’t be socreative but creativity is not necessary in the human behavior. You are a humaninstinct for protection, Logic is the human brain, what made the humans becomewhat they are today, and Morality is the core of every being that lives, thesense of pure instinct and wrong and right” Prince argued. “I am nothing morethan the decorations in a house where you three are pillars”

“That is veryincorrect, seeing that Thomas is a person driven by emotions” Logic entered inthe discussion. “If there is an odd one in the group, that would be,technically, me”

“None of us is the oddin anything!” Morality tried, but none of the other three were listening. “Weshould stop discussing this!”

“God, Roman, why don’tyou stop being so dramatic?” Anxiety asked, rolling his eyes. “Stop being soselfless and just say the truth. You would and should end me”

“That is not true”Prince insisted, eyebrows furrowed. “I wouldn’t end you because you arenecessary”

“I’m Anxiety! I’m notnecessary for anything else than making everyone feel bad, including you!”

“You’re Thomas’ senseof protection!”

“You’re Thomas’ hero!”

“If I’m his hero that’sjust because you’re mine because I seriously wouldn’t do anything if you weren’tthere!” Prince said, loudly, before he closed his mouth, and all the otherswith him, their eyes widened.

The silence became sodense that none of them could break it. Before anyone could even move, Princeclicked his fingers and disappeared, leaving the other four alone. Thomas wasthe first to let out a shaky breath.

“Well that was… Intense”he mumbled, and Anxiety looked at him before shaking his head.

“I have to go” he said,quickly, and clicked his fingers, disappearing as well and leaving the threethere. Morality and Logic stared at each other before they looked at Thomas,who let out a soft chuckle.

“Go ahead. We cancontinue this later” he said, and the two nodded, disappearing as well andleaving his very emotionally charged host alone, in his couch, staring at thepaper in his hands.

“Roman?” Anxiety askedas he got to the royal’s room, walking inside to see him making a bag. “Whereare you going?”

“I am going to fantasyland, where I can hide for over a week and come back when you have forgottenwhat I said” he said, putting his bag over his shoulder and turning to Anxiety.“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I will leave now”

Anxiety stared at himconfused but as Prince walked by him, he held his hand and made the royal sighshakily. He turned around to face the dark persona with teary eyes and redcheeks.

“Wait” Anxiety said,holding his wrist gently. “We really should talk about this”

“You never want to talkabout anything” Prince said, frowning. “I am sorry about what I said. I’llnever touch the subject again. I promise”

“No, Roman. Seriously.You… I always thought you found yourself to be the best of all of us and nowyou throw something like this at us… I’m just…” Anxiety tried, but Prince shookhis head.

“Please, let’s not talkabout my lack of self-confidence. I really regret saying any of that” he asked,but Anxiety shook his head, moving his hand to hold Prince’s.

“No. I always talkabout my insecurities. You should be allowed to talk about your too even if youare not really… likely to have any” he said, but the royal just sighed, lookingback at Anxiety, eyes tired.

“Ann. I don’t want totalk about this” he muttered, voice small, eyes sad. “Can I please go? I reallywant to be alone right now”

Anxiety thought aboutletting go, but he knew he would regret it. So instead, he held Prince’s handtighter and leaned in, pressing a firm and long kiss to his mouth, enjoying thewarmth of having his crush so close.

Crush? More like truelove, soulmate.

He pulled back, andPrince’s eyes were wide, staring at him with tears threatening to fall. Anxietyslowly dried them and sighed.

“I’m in love with you,your idiot. If you leave, I will go after you, and you know I hate fantasy land”he said, placing his hand over Prince’s cheek. “Stay. Let’s talk about this. It’simportant”

After a long silentmoment, Prince nodded, and walked back inside slowly, closing the door behindhim.

While the entire scenehappened, Logic and Morality were watching on the hallway, waiting to intervene.When they walked inside, they sighed in relief, before Morality turned toLogic, smiling.

“I’m glad they workedthings out” Logic said, turning back to Morality, who was smiling at him. “Morality?”

“You think I’m theprettiest” he said, happily, and Logic blushed deeply, chocking and rememberingwhat had happened before that huge fight. Morality giggled and held Logic’shand before pulling him closer, pressing his lips to the teacher’s ear. “Don’tworry. I don’t kiss and tell” he whispered, nibbling on his earlobe beforepulling back to see a very uncomfortable Logic staring back at him, his bodyfrozen. “I’ll be downstairs cooking dinner if you need me” he finished, walkingaway as if nothing had happened.

Logic could only blinka few times before he came back to himself, rushing behind Morality.

In the end, the gamehadn’t been as bad as they all had thought.

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