#enmeshment trauma

[probablyhuntersmom]

Hunter's Possession Scenes and the Theme of Enmeshment

The usual warnings: explorations of trauma and abuse ahead.

Enmeshment happens when there is the lack of boundaries and lack of defined roles in a family system, and the party with more power, usually the parents/caregivers, prevents a child from becoming their own person independent of the family (this is called individuation or differentiation). Enmeshment leads to a low level of individuation/differentiation because the kid will suffer negative consequences if they try to do so. Which sucks, because we need to become our own person in order to truly love and be loved.

Belos requires Hunter to follow a strict script

and only operate within the confines of the role of Caleb (more accurately, how Philip wants Caleb to be...so, not the real Caleb, though Belos has told himself that's the true version of his brother).

Amity went through similar with Odalia and has been in the process of breaking out of it too. I notice Luz and Willow also get a bit close to experiencing it with their parents: Camila initially getting Luz to conform, Willow's dads initially not allowing her to be on the Plant Magic track. But I need to make the important distinction where I think Belos and Odalia (with Alador enabling Odalia's behaviour while also being abused by her) really crossed the line, because they don't even allow the kids under their care to express their thoughts. They flat out dismiss whatever isn't fitting into their agendas, whereas I can trust that Camila, Gilbert and Harvey, who wound up remorseful about their actions and changing, at least allow their kids to voice their opinions safely and they are the kind of caregiver that'll at least say e.g. "I understand that you want X, but ______".

In enmeshment, the toxic parental figure does not know (or refuses to know) the boundary line where their own being ends and the being of their kid begins: this can lead to issues such as a parentified kid who has to manage the parents' emotions for them. Very sadly, this can also be why when these kids are well into adulthood, they are still terrified of their parents and regress into the same child-like responses they had as kids in their toxic parents' presence.

In the show, I think the two visual concepts that most strongly convey the concept of enmeshment vs. trying to break away from it, are Hunter seeing Belos in the mirror and Belos taking control of his physical body:

Parental figures who are enmeshed with their child feel that their kid is them, has to be them, with the same desires, feelings, beliefs, perspectives...not a separate person. If not, the parental figure's own sense of security feels threatened. So if the child tries to create needed space or establish that boundary line by putting up resistance in any form, you get a tantrum/begging/manipulation/other toxic response from the parent (example: Hunter mentions wild magic in front of Belos and is physically threatened), which then aggravates the child's anxiety and wears down their mental health.

The parental figure takes up more space than they should have in the dynamic, while the kid is boxed in more and more. Obviously such treatment is hazardous and puts an awful strain on the person in the relationship who has less power.

Which brings us to Belos getting desperate enough to possess Hunter.

A.k.a. peak enmeshment, as Belos did not have any proper grip on his 'nephew' anymore, and turned things up to the max to exert control by literally inhabiting his physical being, giving him no choice but to do his bidding in the most forceful way possible:

Put simply, you aren't you when in the midst of enmeshment. The worse the enmeshment, the more imposing the control of the toxic parent/caregiver. And wow when I first saw this scene unfold before my eyes, I immediately thought of how powerfully this concept was being visually communicated via fiction. So unnerving. The crew and of course Zeno Robinson have been so good at bringing his enmeshment-related behaviour to life onscreen. E.g. the contrast below...Hunter cracking under the terror in the first few days of truly breaking out of enmeshment in the left-side frame below, versus the right-side showing his post-possession (very literally translated as post-enmeshment) grief which was so painful that simmering, volatile anger rose up in him to keep the pain at bay:

This gentle, kind-hearted kid never wanted this. The worst thing about going through that and resisting it by running away from the coven and the Isles, was that it culminated into losing his best friend.

His way out of the loneliness and isolation of enmeshment was finding his tribe and leaning into it for support and healthy closeness. There couldn't be stronger symbolism for the tension in Hunter's whole arc, between isolation (the abuse he suffered) vs. feeling like part of a family (a healthy "tribe") than this:

Wolves. Loving, nurturing pack animals. Who "make great parents". Yet we have the phrase "lone wolf" since wolves do occasionally navigate part of life on their own. Hunter is drawn to wolves because it strikes him right away, he sees himself (more accurately, the deepest desire of where he'd love to be) in the way such creatures usually live.

And the bonds in his pack became mighty. Hunter succeeded at building trust with the Hexsquad, getting nearer and nearer to the core of himself - while Belos didn't have a single trusting relationship with anyone and sunk lower and lower, getting further and further from himself as his self-deception only got worse. Hunter built up what can be referred to as "emotional equity" in his relationships, and he's so inspirational especially in the uncertain, risky early stages of doing this:

It's like repeatedly depositing into a bank account (both sides in a relationship need to do this, in a manner that both can agree on as fair) and building up the amount in said account with positive experiences and investing effort and time into the relationship. Various difficulties and conflicts that come along will take small or big chunks out of that bank balance. More serious incidents will obviously threaten to break the relationship apart and empty the account or send the balance into the negative. The bond between Hunter and his friends was strong enough to withstand the eventual traumatic loss that they all suffered:

In fact, he was already putting up a quiet resistance in Belos's absence (I'm relieved Belos didn't require that he be escorted on every single mission or be surveilled all the time in his own room, which would've granted him no privacy to express such thoughts), shortly after we saw him get unmasked:

Unfortunately, wrenching yourself free from the violating nature of enmeshment comes at a physical and emotional cost. It can no doubt be a long journey, an injurious experience, damaging one's sense of discernment of who to trust. It doesn't magically become bright and easy post-enmeshment because grief, confusion, emptiness etc are still present, just in different forms. Hopefully it is the intensity of all that which is reduced and well-managed.

The hope is that Hunter does not feel any impulse to want to over-isolate and hurt himself with concerning self-deprecating thoughts and engage in concerning behaviour (which could be a parallel to how he wanted to dig his own grave in Eclipse Lake), especially as he is still processing the moral injury of harming Flapjack and threatening the others while possessed.

#me talking about my darlin'. again. #toh analysis #toh hunter #possessed hunter #the owl house #philip wittebane #emperor belos #loz writes a meta #enmeshment trauma

[takeme-totheworld]

Enmeshment

(This isn't really about Good Omens at all, but it's about something I realized about myself because of GO fan discourse so I'm gonna start there.)

I remember when I first started dipping a toe into fandom conversations I saw a lot of people talking about relating to Crowley because they had abandonment trauma. And after reading a bunch of people’s personal reflections on this I remember thinking, “Is there such a thing as an opposite-of-abandonment trauma? Because of all the reasons people cite for identifying with Crowley this is the one I find…not only the least relatable, but the most aggressively the opposite of my inner experience.”

Lo and behold, Google led me to the phrase “enmeshment trauma” in extremely short order and holy shit did it turn a lot of lights on in my head all at once.

The environment I grew up in—both my home environment and the church environment that most often filled the role of "larger community" in my world—was basically an endless pressure cooker of everyone else's wants, needs, demands, and expectations. At home I was a highly parentified child, functioning as the sole source of emotional support for a parent with severe unaddressed mental health issues. At church—well, most people are familiar at least in principle with the intense pressure to conform in fundamentalist communities. (At school, I was the "pleasure to have in class" kid with the undiagnosed anxiety disorder that we've all joked about ad nauseum on the internet at this point.)

I was an extremely lonely kid. The relentless pressure I felt to please everyone and live up to all the expectations piled on me made me feel isolated, like no one really saw or cared about me—just about what they wanted from me. But despite the loneliness, as a young adult I was usually the one giving off mixed signals and pushing other people away. Because of course I was. I associated too much closeness with other people with being controlled and manipulated, with the pressure cooker of demands, with constantly working to please others and having to apologize and placate and fawn whenever I got it wrong, with having my own feelings and needs and boundaries unnoticed and my autonomy stomped all over.

I'm in my late thirties and I'm still working to unlearn this trauma response. I don't have the kinds of close friendships I want. I don't have a romantic relationship, despite wanting one of those too. I still struggle with emotional closeness, in general, because I never had closeness without harmful levels of enmeshment modeled for me growing up. So I'm still trying to learn what that looks like and how one attains it.

But it feels like yet another way that my particular life experiences have given me a particular set of trauma triggers that it's really hard to get people to understand.

...I don't really have a good ending to this, my mind keeps wandering back to the GO discourse and trying to make those connections but I don't really have the strength to get into that right now. I'm gonna be a boring grown-up and go do some laundry instead.

#personal #enmeshment trauma #of course i have the opposite thing #story of my life

[kopretinovafialka]

Jediný důvod, proč moje máma chtěla mít dítě byl ten, že její život byl dost na hovno. Myslela si, že tu velkou díru zaplácne dítětem. Jediný co udělala bylo že mě využila a zahodila. Chtěla si ze mě udělat její malou mini verzi sebe. Chtěla si skrze mě naplnit potřeby co sama nemohla, měla pocit že nestihla, chtěla si skrze někoho získat naději. Narušila moje hranice a dodala mi pocit, že jich nejsem hodná. Vzala celou mou osobnost, sny, nadání, a změnila to k obrazu svýmu. Stala jsem se její mini napodobeninou. Stálo mě to moji autonomii, moje zdraví, moje vztahy, moje partnerství, moji sexualitu, moje sebevědomí, moji jedinečnou krásnou individualitu, MŮJ ŽIVOT A POCIT SEBE. Zacházela se mnou jako s panenkou, kterou držíte pod krkem a když přijde hezčí, tak ji lhostejně zahodíte. Nedělejte tohle svým dětem. Nejsou váš majetek, nepatří vám. Jsou tu s vámi, ne pro vás. Jsou tu aby si sami splnili svůj krásnej jedinečnej úkol kvůli kterýmu sem přišli. Nevytvářejte ve světě enmeshment trauma.

#enmeshment trauma #enmeshment

[safe-haven-safe-place]

#mental health #enmeshment #dysfunctional family #dysfunctional parents #codependency #trauma #cptsd #complex post traumatic stress disorder #trauma healing #healthy boundaries #childhood trauma

[enmesheddaughterparentified]

Look my mother regularly violates me in an emotional sense.

Like, being 14 years old and coaching your mother through a divorce and all the messy feelings involved is not something I should have ever had to do.

Listening to her talk about how she sometimes thinks about committing murder-suicide in regards to your life and her own is not something I should have ever had to do.

Listening to her regularly shit talk every single family member we have is not something I should ever have to do.

I'm tired of being her therapist, her pseudo spouse, and her best friend all rolled into one. I am her child, and she never thinks about how her emotional dumping might effect me.

#childhood trauma #parentification #enmeshment #toxic mother #toxic mom #dysfunctional family #toxic relationship #toxic parents #toxic family

[feralboo-the-weirdo]

This is in no way a hate post towards middle and oldest siblings, because we all got freaking traumatized by our parents, just in very different ways. Please, don't shower this post with hate. Thank you.

Being the youngest is carrying the weight of your family's trauma, and fearing them when you don't even know half of what they've done and said because no one will tell you.

Being the youngest is also being told that you're an eavesdropper because you overhear information you definitely shouldn't all the freaking time because you want to know what's going on and you have no other way to learn, and sometimes you pass the information on to other members of the family and then get chewed out for it, or you unintentionally hurt the person who was told because it was about them and you didn't know they didn't know.

Being the youngest is also searching across the internet for something-- ANYTHING-- that relates to being a youngest sibling beyond "youngest siblings are often the smartest and the funniest" crap or the eldest and middle siblings getting angry with the youngest.

Being the youngest is feeling guilty for everything. That you got more of your parents' attention, that you got things sooner, that you got things at all, it's feeling like "that guy" when all you're doing is breathing. (because THEY weren't allowed to breathe.) it's feeling constantly "privileged" and "spoiled" and hating it.

Being the youngest is being told to "never grow up or get taller" because they don't want to see you old. it's being perpetually too young, but yet too old. it's constant isolation because people don't want to be with the "baby of the family"

It's learning the tricks of the trade with everything the older siblings do and then having crippling anxiety at the idea of getting it right the first try. It's accidentally stealing your older siblings hobbies and feeling terrified they'll yell at you.

It's feeling constantly trapped between your parents not wanting you to leave and using you as a support and your siblings not wanting you to be successful, but your insatiable need to get yourself out of the shadow of your siblings keeps that impossible.

it's being either treated as an equal to your siblings and parents or a child. You're expected to be as mature as your siblings, so you act like an adult at twelve or ten. it's fearing criticism and constantly feeling the need to be perfect so there will be nothing to criticize. Everything you do doesn't feel like it means anything.

But oh gosh you just want to get out of your house but you're not old enough. you're never old enough. Everyone's voices and sounds are horrifying, terrifying. you're terrified of them, but they don't hurt you like they used to.

Being the youngest is waiting for a bomb to go off without knowing there was a bomb in the first place. it's being the one who sees the scattered remnants of the shrapnel, and wishes they knew what happened. You weren't there for the actual explosion.

Every moment is exhausting.

#childhood trauma #trauma #emotional abuse #emotional neglect #youngest sibling #youngest sibling trauma #highly sensitive people #thinking #anger #fear #toxic family #enmeshment

[family-trauma]

Sadly this is true and with all the advice I've come across I've decided to use silence as my biggest shield. I now tell myself if I want to argue against their bs, that will be like shooting myself in the foot and I definitely don't want more pain than I'm already in.

《《¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤》》

As an update - for those who have been following me since the beginning of my journey here, I have decided to give professional therapy a try. So far I feel like it hasn't helped me much since we have been discussing topics about emotional abuse and my situation - topics I've already explored through self therapy.

I'll try to post updates about the progress I am able to make, if any at all, through this experience with the therapist.

#absurd #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mental wellbeing #toxicity #toxic people #toxic family #toxic #dysfunctional family #self help #self reflection #self improvement #self therapy #therapy #silence #emotional abuse #manipulation #enmeshed household #family-trauma

[moonlit-positivity]

Here is something really hard to hear: you're so attached to your FP (favorite person) because the adults in your life as a child failed to give you a safe, stable, and secure attachment while you were growing up, and maybe there was even a lot of abuse, neglect, or dysfunction present or maybe you spent your entire childhood having to prioritize your parent's emotional needs while your needs as the child went neglected, so now as an adult you are constantly seeking that missed connection, that missed safety, in those around you to fulfill that. And the harsh reality is that inevitably your FP will let you down because other people cannot fulfill what our parents should have been there to give us. You're closeness to your FP, your thoughts and feelings of just wanting to be utterly consumed by their presence? Thats your childhood speaking. You're fears of being alone and abandoned again? Your child self is cowering in fear constantly reliving the heartaches of your parent's instabilities and neglect. Take a lot of that guilt and pressure off of yourself, but inevitably we will have to confront the fact that our parents have failed us and that other people cannot fill that void in the way we are needing that void to be filled. That void can only be filled by replacing this dysfunctional definition of enmeshed love with the healthier definition of you finding your own strength and autonomy and reclaiming your individuality from that of your parents. This is what the emotional work of codependency & attachment theory healing looks like.

#ptsd #recovery #trauma #mental health #healing #bpd #relationships #toxic relationships #borderline personality disorder #codependency #enmeshment #emotional work #healing thoughts #trauma informed #childhood healing #personality disorders #bpd thoughts #communication #boundaries #self love #self esteem #self improvement #growth

[magpythe-art]

#dcmk #black org au #corvids au #this is symbolic the does not involve any bird conglomerates other than Karasuma Group #but hey! I drew something again! #Related to a fic I'm occasionally working on and haven't put up anywhere yet #bo au for shinichi kaito and saguru ft so much enmeshment trauma and messy coping mechanisms #magpythe art #artists on tumblr

[thepeacefulgarden]

#enmeshment #codependency #family #boundaries #mental health #relationships #generational trauma

[invinciblerodent]

I see your "oh Astarion doesn't fully even like the PC until some ways into act 2" headcanons which are all well and great, but what if I raise you an "Astarion is far fucking gone down the deep end by as early as the party (at least if the 'relationship' started some time earlier than that), he's just so zonked out of his gourd on fear and emotional trauma that he's consciously-subconsciously suppressing any romantically-inclined feelings he might have", and a Big Gesture in act 2 (which isn't really all that big at all, I mean you mostly just either kill one thing -potentially without lifting a single finger- that was already on the way, or talk to one woman and treat him with basic respect) just knocks him over the head with a realization like a steel fucking chair

in my interpretation at least, he is pretty much fully pining from the tiefling party night on, but believes it to be perfectly rational concern over his beautiful master plan maybe not working out as intended.

like he may have to consciously hold himself back from fangs-out sneering at anyone who shows the PC any attention, and yet has not a single shred of doubt in his mind that it's because if someone else succeeds in charming them, he won't be able to secure his spot as their Number One Very Special Precious and Protected Lover Boy. (No yeah, that is both fully reasonable and a rational thing to want to be to someone you don't actually give a single shit about. Trust him, he knows. He's so profoundly normal about these things.)

what can I say, I love characters who are just emotionally fkin illiterate in one way or another, send post

#squirrel plays bg3 #part 2; the trauma of Cazador using his affection as a source of further pain #..... yknow i've had a few dumb posts like this take kinda off through reblogs #which leads me to believe that there's sort of an audience for them #begs the question; why don't I put them in the main character tags #v good question; it's because i'm a dumbass next question #oc: iona raedir #because i can and also she's just v much enmeshed in his characterization for me

[femmefatalevibe]

hi.

tw: abuse.

don’t hesitate to delete this. i understand the sensitivity of the topic.

so,

i’m still a minor and i’m sorry i didn’t know where i could get advice from. my dad and i had a fight because i jokingly told him he should quit smoking (i could remember telling him this statement since i was five but he never did) because he’s old and we are having financial difficulties. we can’t afford risking his health and his destructive habits won’t help. he got mad and thought i’m being a b*tch just because he didn’t gave my full allowance that week but he can buy a pack for his cigs (which is tbh partly the case of my frustration but most of all, piled up resentment why our family struggle because he coped through gambling and smoking but most of all was the fact that he keeps me in a situation of why must loving him had to be this hard)

now, in an asian household culture, they really held respect in eldest highest regard even if they don’t make any sense anymore (to me at the very least). it didn’t get better that i’ve always been strong-headed with my opinions, i will argue my point to bits to my parents as attempts to be the adults i needed them to be and they didn’t like my approach because i have the tendency to be blunt, i present the faults as instincts in hopes to figure the solution. they didn’t like that very much, maybe because of my unfiltered delivery as well. as a result, i’ve been told i’m too arrogant and a know-it-all, selfish and uncaring. i’m afraid that what if they are right? i value fairness and i believe respect should go both ways. he wanted to raise his hand and i dared him to hit me like he used to. all just to prove him that my outburst was beyond materialistic stuff such as my allowance he could barely provide. he couldn’t but he was screaming at my face, telling me to talk. telling me how ungrateful i was, telling me to speak up and i said no. i begged that we do it once he calm down. and i can’t do this any longer. i was drained. but he was shouting and telling me to speak up. even my mom back him up and how did I become so heartless.

i love my dad. he loves us in ways he knew best. i wanted to apologize but i don’t know what i should apologise for, not at least in the way he would like to. because i don’t think i’m wrong. i want to apologise, perhaps because i could have approach it better, i’ve tried. but should i even apologise? i would leave this house if i could. basically, how can i resolve the conflict if he thinks i’m attacking him? how can i say sorry when i don’t think i’m wrong. he won’t even apologise for what he did to me. i’m their daughter, not just their daughter. i’m a human first, and their kid second.

Hi love! I'm so incredibly sorry that you have to deal with this!! Please know that you deserve better and are dealing with people who do not have the capacity to support you in the ways you deserve.

"i’m their daughter, not just their daughter. i’m a human first, and their kid second." NEVER forget this!! You're absolutely correct.

I'm not a therapist by any means but have dealt with similar dynamics, so I'm linking a few resources below and a direct link to a great book on the topic, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents:

Hope some of this resonates and that you can leave this unhealthy environment soon, surround yourself with loving individuals, and get a therapist to help you build the fulfilling life you deserve.

Sending love xx

#femmefatalevibe #q/a #family advice #narcissismawareness #enmeshment #self healing #trauma healing #boundaries #self improvement #self help #inner work #inner voice #inner child #personal growth #femme fatale #dark femininity #dark feminine energy #adult children of emotionally immature parents #emotionally immature parents #life advice #interpersonal relationships #self worth #note to self

[waterparksdrama]

i don’t get the problem with the travis thing…like my friends and i have written fanfic about each other as a joke??? who cares

lemme put it this way have you written 20k of fanfic that's supposed to be a joke about your friends that also borders on delving into your friends' personal stuff a lot and was intended to keep going with said stuff - iz

#20K MAN. 20K #i can barely write 1k of something decent on a good day #listen you can't keep a bit like this running for too long or else the enmeshment of rpf gets more blurred #think of it this way: the fic dwells on about personal shit for chunks of it (the ciara thing/geoff’s whole Situation/religious trauma) #it’s hard to see the rest of it as some satire or joke when key points of it are real

[enmesheddaughterparentified]

Sometimes I think I exaggerate how bad it is. Other times I wonder if I would even recognize the signs of it being bad

#childhood trauma #parentification #toxic parents #enmeshment #toxic mother #toxic family #dysfunctional family #toxic relationship #toxic mom

[feralboo-the-weirdo]

I'm no longer angry. I'm just tired.

Brain numbingly tired.

it's hard to focus because I'm just so tired and I just don't care anymore. I should have empathy, but I just can't anymore. I'm exhausted at the idea of caring.

So so tired of eggshells.

so tired of waiting.

I just want out.

But I'm scared I'll do this with everything else too. I'll tire of that eventually, like I have with my life here.

But most people don't even know this is happening. They don't see how scared I am of my family. They don't understand why, because it's "not that bad" but they haven't seen it when it is that bad. People seem so angry when you talk about going no contact, but they don't understand that speaking with those members of your family is like ingesting poison.

Parents aren't supposed to feel like school counselors.

They chose one child to protect and it wasn't me.

And I'm tired of them pretending that sibling "isn't that bad"

Even though I feel sick at the thought of interacting with them because I never know if today is the day I get murdered.

#trauma #childhood trauma #tw emotional abuse #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #emotional suppression #numb #emotions #feelings #toxic family #depersonalization #high functioning depression #highly sensitive people #adhd problems #adhd #emotional #whump #angry #tired #mentally tired #actually mentally ill #mentally exhausted #healing journey #self awareness #therapy #burnout #writers block #writer stuff #writer problems #enmeshment

[family-trauma]

How many of you can relate?

I most def can...

#absurd #dysfunctional household #dysfunctional parents #dysfunctional family #dysfunctional relationship #enmeshed household #enmeshment #enmeshed #toxic #toxic people #toxic household #toxic family #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mental wellbeing #survival #trauma recovery #self therapy #family-trauma #family trauma