#instead she just has like an anxiety attack or something idk seems in character | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lotusthewriter · 10 months

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Papercut

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Steven & Lars; MINOR - Steven & The Cool Kids, Steven & Sadie, Lars/Sadie

Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga, The Cool Kids, Sadie Miller; MENTIONED - The Crystal Gems, Connie Maheswaran

Summary: Steven has been feeling anxious and he realizes it gets worse when he's alone. So, he tries not to be.

Word count: 3.965

AO3

A/N: Originally published online last week, I just didn't get to post here. This is mainly me venting my anxiety attacks as of late.

I also personally see Steven having BPD, just throwing this here if anyone finds it relevant.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - anxiety and/or panic attacks, hallucination, emotional neglect, abandonment issues, self-hatred, and brief mention of suicidal thoughts.

DO NOT SHIP LARS AND STEVEN.

P/roship DNI.

“Anxiety”.

A word Connie has mentioned. It’s a medical term that she taught Steven after what happened to them as Stevonnie. Connie, with her mother’s knowledge, took Garnet’s advice to heart and she gets to manage her anxiety whenever it hits.

Two years later, Steven still hasn’t been able to feel better.

Flexibility, love, and trust.

Flexibility,

Love,

And

TRUST.

Steven glows pink instead.

Thus, he goes to Garnet to ask for more tips, to know if she could try to help… but the gem tells Steven that he’s the only one who knows the answers. That he should seek them himself. Pearl and Amethyst, who wait for Garnet to head out to Little Homeschool for yet another fieldtrip, agreed indifferently.

Steven can’t even say anything before the three of them are gone in the light of the warp pad, so bright that he feels like it’s going to attack him.

Then, everything is empty.

He only stares at the void like he’s fourteen again.

Just that worsens the ache in his chest, his pink fists clutching his shirt.

Steven rushes back to his safe place, his room, before things get ugly and he goes ballistic, and he grabs his phone to do some research on anxiety. He finds quite a lot of resources.

Since then, he’s trying.

With the gems away to who knows where, and his father also out of town, Steven tries to get by on his own.

(As usual.)

…

But nothing works.

Steven does everything correctly. List five things you can sense. Distract yourself with things you like – watch a movie or a series or funny videos, read a book, listen to music or even podcasts. Breathe. Hug your pillow. Hang out with your friends–

Oh.

He… hasn’t done that in a while.

Steven can’t, though. Everyone is busy and it’s not like they should stop what they’re doing to be with him, right? Right.

Distract yourself.

Distract yourself…

Suddenly, a notification.

New texts… from Lars? How long has it been since they last talked? Maybe he needs help with something?

Anyway.

Lars: hey steven, it’s been a while right?

Lars: idk if your busy, but sadie and the cool kids are back in town and we thought of making a lil party

Lars: i know it’s kinda in the last hour so it’s ok if you can’t make it or if you don’t wanna go, but it’d be rlly cool if you came

Lars: but it’s your call of course

Steven looks at the above, wondering if this was predestined. It feels too perfect.

He hasn’t seen his friends in forever.

He types quickly:

Steven: omg I’d love to!!

Steven: I miss you guys sooo much

(Why does it feel like a lie, somehow?)

Lars: aw, we miss ya too buddy

Lars: i miss you coming to the BD to bug me every morning (followed by a pleading emoji)

Steven: Gee, Captain Lars, didn’t know you loved me that much (eyes emoji)

Lars: i was joking.

Steven: Were you really? :3

Lars: ok now your making me regret inviting you

Steven: Noooooo, come on!!

Lars: lmao

Lars: srsly now. 8 at my place, ok?

Steven: Perfect! I’ll see you there! ^^

Lars: (finger gun emojis)

Steven sighs, feeling so… light all of a sudden. Just this one interaction with Lars seems to have calmed him down a little.

The half-gem feels relieved. So relieved.

He can actually get out there and have fun with his friends, catch up with their lives, laugh together, share something tasty to eat…

(And he gets to distract himself from his rising dread.)

(To finally not be reminded how painfully alone he is.)

Well, it’s still 2 PM. From what Dad told him, Sadie and the Cool Kids are going to arrive at 6 PM… so Steven still needs to do something else to keep his mind busy. Maybe cook or bake something for the party. He doesn’t remember Lars mentioning a potluck, but Steven wants to do something nice for his friends nonetheless.

What is he going to cook or bake, then?

…

Or maybe…

“... don’t tell me I inspired you with my nostalgia.”

“You could say that,” Steven smirks at Lars’ statement, while holding two huge boxes of donuts with all the flavors he could remember his friends enjoying. As well as…

“You brought salad, too?” Sadie notices, almost wanting to laugh.

“Yeah, like Buck ordered once.”

“Heh, I appreciate your dedication, Steven.” Buck pats his back proudly.

“We miss our favorite roadie,” Sour Cream says, ruffling the younger boy’s curly hair.

Steven’s heart, instead of anguish, is filled with warmth.

“Awe, you guys are going to make me cry,” he jokes.

“Us too! This was so sweet of you, Steven,” Jenny compliments. “I’m glad you could make it!”

“I know every friend says this and it doesn’t always happen… but we should really hang out more,” Buck says, in his same stoic expression. “I love you guys.”

“Yeah, same,” Steven grins affectionately.

It’s a much more casual party this time, which is the best kind of party after such busy times. Lars’ backyard is lit by those small, spherical yellow lights, and everyone sits by the huge picnic table that replaces Lars’ trampoline. Besides the donuts, you can see Lars’ pastries, and apparently snacks that Sadie and the Cool Kids brought from their last tour.

They sing and play some songs together, they laugh at the stories from concerts, outer space, and Little Homeworld… Steven gets to hear more about their lives and how happy they are.

But most importantly, they’re very happy to share it with him.

Which is such an honor.

Steven is genuinely having a good time.

Perhaps the first time in so long…

He’s so happy to be a part of this.

…

The boy’s phone vibrates in his pocket.

He casually checks it, not bothered by it interrupting his immersion in the party. He’s not expecting much, when…

He sees that it’s the gems.

Steven and his family have countless groups for Little Homeschool, and then they have their own private group, just the four of them.

Pearl has sent him a rather quick and dry text informing him of their absence for the next…

Two months.

…

Two months.

Two.

Months.

And no, Steven can’t do anything to stop it.

Because he tries to text them. He sends a million desperate texts.

And his pleads are never answered. And they will never be, because the messages aren’t even sent .

He goes to all their private numbers, and nothing.

Steven calls them, to no avail. There’s not even the option for voicemail.

Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot are on their own separate fieldtrips as well, so it’s useless to try to call them.

No one is reachable.

No one.

“... Steven. Steven?”

The half-gem only gets a little startled at Lars standing next to him, and bearing the most concerned expression Steven has seen him with. He also realizes everyone else has stopped talking.

“O-Oh, sorry,” he laughs nervously, quickly putting away his phone. “It was nothing.”

“Is everything okay?” Jenny asks.

“You looked like someone died,” Sour Cream observes, also worried.

“No, no, nobody died.” Well, except Lars , Steven would’ve darkly added. “It’s– It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” Sadie questions.

“Yeah.” Steven’s dread returns to his chest, his hands beginning to shake. He hides them in his pockets, which doesn’t help since he feels his cell phone and it’s the thing that ruined everything. He’s doing everything not to turn pink. “I’m sure,” he mumbles.

Everyone looks at one another, unsure. Steven wants to scream.

“Hey,” Lars whispers, putting a hand on Steven’s back. “Do you want to go inside a bit?”

The latter hates that he likes the soothing touch, yet he’s also afraid the former is going to notice Steven is shaking, so he dodges it much to his own dismay.

“It’s okay, Lars,” Steven mumbles, wanting to cry.

He avoids everyone’s eyes, his hand almost crushing his phone into pieces inside his pocket. He’d love to throw this darned thing into the depths of the ocean.

“Sorry, I ruined the moment, didn’t I?” Steven laughs darkly.

“No, Steven, it’s okay,” Sadie reassures him. “You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to, okay?”

“Yeah, man, no worries,” Sour Cream agrees.

Despite that, the party does grow a little quieter. It feels like the emptiness of his house.

Of course. He screwed everything up. Again.

Now they don’t want anything to do with him.

(Like the gems. Like everyone else.)

Steven at least gets to resume his laugh and his smiles, because he’s always been so good at them.

Time goes by…

And they start leaving.

Because obviously, nothing lasts forever.

Jenny is the first one who leaves, and she gives Steven the biggest hug. It doesn’t smell like pizza anymore, instead it’s a sweet scent. It’s different but nice. But too quick.

Sour Cream and Buck leave together. The former sidehugs Steven, while the latter gently tells him to take care of himself, and to always count on them whenever he needs. Steven smiles and nods, without any honesty.

Lastly, Sadie, Lars, and Steven… the original trio. It’s been so long, Sadie and Lars are a lot more comfortable around each other nowadays, holding hands under the table. Steven would’ve fanboyed at another time when he sees Sadie casually kissing Lars’ cheek, causing her boyfriend to go pinkier than what should be possible.

Sadie’s hug, though, is longer than everyone else’s goodbyes.

“It was nice seeing you, Steven,” she grins with some melancholy. “Don’t forget we love you, okay?”

Steven doesn’t believe her, but he plasters a smile on his face just to please her.

“Okay,” he replies simply.

Sadie is convinced, and walks away.

Finally, it’s just him.

The only one left.

Lars is quiet.

Steven knows what he’s going to say.

And before Lars does, the sixteen-year-old puts his distraction in action.

“Oh, do you need help cleaning?” He asks.

“Uh, there’s… not a lot to do.”

“Yeah, but like, I could help with the trash.”

“Steven, it’s fine.”

“No, really, I–”

“Why don’t you go home and rest?” Lars isn’t even being rude, he’s genuinely suggesting it because he can tell Steven isn’t fine.

But going home is not going to help.

It’s the last thing Steven needs.

“Don’t worry, Lars, I can do this!” Steven grins widely and already moves to the table to take the remains of food and plastic, as well as the donut boxes.

He can hear Lars sighing in the back.

(Steven hates himself. Obviously Lars doesn’t want him here.)

(But Steven can’t go back.)

(He can’t go back.)

Indeed, there’s not a lot of work to do. Lars washes whatever dishes he needed for the baking part, while Steven takes care of the trash. There are huge trash bins in the yard, so he easily finishes the job.

… it’s over.

He does more.

Steven seeks out any trash he can find to fill the larger bin, both in the kitchen and the restroom.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Lars asks from afar.

“I’m helping!”

“But you’re done taking out the stuff from the party, aren’t you? Why are you taking out the trash from my house?”

“Because I want to help!”

Before Steven can go back outside, Lars stops him with a frowning face.

“Steven, you’re not okay,” the latter states seriously. “You need to go home.”

“No, I don’t.”

“I think you do. I don’t know what happened that you saw earlier, but you need to rest.”

“I don’t need rest.”

“Oh, you don’t?” Lars sounds sarcastic. “Like you’re not obsessively looking for stuff to do?”

“I’m not doing that!” Steven defends.

“Yeah, and I bet you’re not going to clean all the restrooms next. Or the windows. Or my entire bedroom–”

“Oh, haha , you are SO hilarious,” Steven rolls his eyes and tries to go outside again, only for Lars to step forward to make him go back. “Lars, let me go,” Steven warns.

“Will you at least tell me what’s going on?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Alright, then go home.”

“No.”

“Don’t make me throw you inside my head myself.”

Steven boils. “Just let me do this for you, Lars!”

“I’m telling you you don’t have to!” Lars raises his voice.

“But I want to!”

“And I want you to be okay!”

“But I AM OKAY!”

“You wouldn’t be YELLING at me if you were!”

Steven growls in frustration, “Just let me go outside!”

“NO!”

He has had it.

The half-gem pushes Lars aside harshly, to the point of knocking the latter over, and Steven is too distraught to apologize for it. He rushes outside in the peaceful night.

“STEVEN!” Lars yells from inside the kitchen.

He just needs to do this.

He needs to distract himself, distract, distract, distract–

Steven opens the bin–

Noise.

Light.

Too much.

A swarm of white butterflies comes out of the trash bin, flying so loudly and so close that Steven falls backwards.

No.

Not them.

Not them again.

No. No. NO. NO. NO.

He thought he had it under control. He thought he would be okay. He thought…

Steven hides.

That’s all he can do.

He’s alone, alone, alone, alone.

(And he deserves it.)

…

“... can you hear me? Steven! Steven !”

He’s panting furiously, violently.

“Make it go away!” Steven cries.

“Make what go away?”

“EVERYTHING!”

He half regrets yelling, but Steven knows the butterflies are there, and no one else does.

“Steven…”

“Too much,” Steven speaks in between gasps, “too much, it’s too much, I-I can’t take this anymore!”

At this point, he’s aware that he’s pink and he can’t repress it any longer. It’s consuming his every thought, every part of his body.

“I can’t… I can’t…” Steven heaves.

Whoever is there must have left, right?

Steven is helpless. Hopeless.

…

“Steven, can I touch you?”

Oh… they’re still there.

“Is that okay?” They ask.

Steven doesn’t want to look back. He doesn’t want to see it all.

But…

“... y-yeah,” he hiccups, “okay.”

“Okay. I’m just- gonna help you sit, alright? Are you hurt?”

Steven shakes his head, unsure if it was meant to answer the question.

Either way, he feels hands on him, at first trying to remind Steven that they’re real. The hands are gentle. Scarred, rough, but gentle and slow. Their long fingers are a history of cooking cuts. Steven doesn’t know how he can tell all these details, but he does.

“Easy…” the sixteen-year-old is gradually being moved to sit.

But he knows that he’ll be closer to the butterflies.

“WAIT!” Steven yells in panic.

“What?” The other person stops immediately, but still gets a hold on him.

“I-I don’t want… I don’t…” Steven can’t even say the right words, so they come out as, “I don’t wanna die…”

Well, they’re still kind of true.

“Hey, you’re not going to die.”

“I don’t want to…”

“You’re not. I’m here,” Lars – Lars Barriga, perhaps the best person to deal with someone in this situation – promises. “I’m here, Steven.”

You’ve got nothing to fear

I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.

…

Whimpering.

“I don’t wanna go home.”

He gets silence.

“I d-don’t wanna go h-home,” Steven cries like a little kid after a nightmare. “I-It’s so… empty… so…”

“Lonely?”

Steven nods painfully.

“You’re not going to be alone, okay? I won’t let that happen.”

Lars sounds so sure, and the way he’s rubbing Steven’s shoulders… it brings the latter shivers. The good kind of shivers.

And tears. So many of them. All the tears that he has swallowed and never released them.

Steven clings to his friend, who squeezes him in return, the hug as rough and tender as his mere touch.

“I’ve got you, buddy,” Lars reassures him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

It only makes Steven sob harder, purely out of relief. It’s so ironic, but so true.

He cries for a good couple of minutes or hours, smelling vanilla and butter in Lars’ clothes, not minding the dirty apron the baker is wearing at all. Steven wants to absorb that smell and make it his home, because it feels so safe that he doesn’t want it to go away. He doesn’t want the hands to let him go ever again.

And it feels like Lars wants to protect him from the world, from whatever horrible thing that made Steven like this. Even if he can’t see the butterflies, Lars still seems to shield Steven from them.

Just that has the half-gem finally face reality, finding the butterflies roaming there, endlessly coming out of the trash bin. As Steven expected.

However, with Lars holding him right now, Steven doesn’t feel so overwhelmed anymore.

So… this is what he needed.

He gets now.

Thus, the butterflies finally end and they fly to the sky above, replacing the stars. They will never disappear, as he already knew.

Steven relaxes significantly, like he’s going to pass out in the hug. He lets out a shaky breath while Lars hugs him tightly in response, knowing that it’s the perfect kind of tightness for Steven.

Lars also breathes in and out deeply, squeezing the boy some more.

“Come on,” he whispers, “let’s go inside.”

This time, Steven accepts it, glowing pink and everything.

“... I’m sorry,” he sniffs. “I’m sorry I snapped at you like that.”

Lars sighs, but in regret. “I’m sorry, too. For being a jerk to you.”

Neither of them give excuses.

Steven contemplates the night sky from the skyscrapers, aware he can see the butterflies from there. In the meantime, Lars holds him as Steven has no energy left to cling.

“I hate feeling like this,” the younger teen vents, “it just keeps getting worse with time.”

“So you’ve had this before?”

Steven nods. “I-I’ve tried everything to make it better. Garnet taught me and Connie how to deal with our problems, and it worked for Connie… but not for me. And I asked Garnet for help, but instead she just gave me a life lesson and Pearl and Amethyst didn’t even care, and they LEFT ME without ANYTHING!” Steven snaps, only for him to cover his mouth and freeze, scared he might have startled Lars.

Lars, however, doesn’t look scared of him at all.

Instead, sad. Maybe angry, but not at Steven.

“So yeah, I’m expected to do everything on my own, I’m used to it!” Steven continues, more furious. “I looked it up online, since Connie told me about ‘anxiety’, and I did everything they taught me to manage it, but nothing soothes my chest, nothing calms me down… I think I only felt good when you invited me, and I got to see you guys again. I haven’t felt this happy in so long, a-and then OBVIOUSLY, something always has to RUIN it for me.”

He tears up again, his eyes burning pink and red.

“I-I… I got a text from the gems that they’re going to be gone for two months , a-and I couldn’t reach them. Because they’d already left. EVERYONE left. T-They all left me .”

Lars doesn’t say anything, choosing to hug Steven closer, nuzzling his black curls, doing everything to make sure Steven feels loved and cared for.

“Why does everyone leave me?” The half-gem asks.

Except Steven knows why.

He’s selfish. Useless. Clingy.

He doesn’t say any of these things, yet Lars pulls away just slightly with a stern look.

“Steven,” the older teen begins seriously, “listen to me, you don’t deserve to be abandoned, okay? No kid in the world deserves to be abandoned or neglected; they deserve to be reminded every single day that they’re loved in all the ways possible. You didn’t fail anyone by existing. I know everyone out there”– Lars gestures at the above –“made you believe that, but they’re WRONG.”

There’s some kind of ferocity in Lars’ words, the same one Steven heard back when the boys were abducted to Homeworld – firstly when Lars refused to leave the ship without Steven, and then when he convinced Steven to return home instead of sticking with Lars and the Off Colors.

A sense of protection, perhaps.

Steven feels warm inside, which he feels ashamed of for some reason, and at the same time it hurts. Which makes no sense, because it’s the good kind of hurt. What kind of hurt is good?

Still, the glowing boy’s eyes are only filled with more water.

Noticing that, Lars gently wipes some of it for him.

“You don’t have to be useful, Steve,” he says tenderly. “You don’t have to be self-sufficient, you don’t have to be strong all the time. You deserve to have someone, and you deserve to have someone when you feel the whole weight of the galaxy crushing you.”

Steven sniffs, contemplative.

Lars’ words are believable. Steven has always trusted him, and has always thought the world of him. Steven loved Lars from the beginning, embracing every little part of him, the weight that he also carried.

Still… one question keeps haunting Steven every single day, every single night.

“... do you think they would treat my mom like this if I weren’t here?”

Lars immediately tenses, immobile like a doll. Not a corpse, but a doll.

Steven, admittedly, asked that to himself. He knows Lars won’t have the answers. He can’t speak for the gems. It feels cruel to Lars, who’s just trying his best to help a friend in need.

The silence this time is not comforting. Steven fears he ruined everything again.

“Steven?” Lars suddenly sounds… fragile.

When the younger boy looks up, he sees a teary Lars already staring back.

“I love you,” the latter tells him.

The broken way he says it…

“Whenever you feel unloved, whenever you feel alone or whenever the gems fuck off to wherever they go without a trace,”– Steven’s eyes widen at the word choice –“I want you to remember that I love you, and that you’re always welcome here. There’s always food and life here, no emptiness at all. And you can always go see me at Spacetries and we can have a coffee and chat like the old days, or if we can’t see each other in person for any reason, you can call me. I can always teleport, too. I can do literally anything to help you, Steven, and I want to help you, because I love you , okay?”

Lars is cupping his cheeks like they’re precious, wiping Steven’s tears and crying his own. Like Lars is the one crying for him now, feeling his pain for him.

“I’m here for you. I’ll always be here, no matter how, no matter what,” he insists.

Steven is too speechless to react.

He realizes, though…

He stops glowing pink.

And he forgets everything else, with how genuine Lars’ love is.

Steven merely lies down against his friend, who covers him properly with his blanket. Lars caresses the boy’s black hair, in the same way that Steven has always craved for, even if it reminded him of bad memories.

It’s perfect just the way it is. Perfect in every way, just like you.

He doesn’t want Lars to ever stop.

He doesn’t want this to ever be gone.

But Lars won’t leave him. He will make sure Steven never feels anxious or useless on his own again.

And Steven…

“... I love you, too,” he whispers.

Lars tightens his arms around him, this time sniffing. If he cries on Steven’s head, neither of them talk about it.

It stays between them.

#steven universe #steven universe future #steven quartz universe #lars barriga #the cool kids #sadie miller #anxiety attack tw #panic attack tw #hallucination tw #suicide mention tw #suicidal thoughts tw #neglect tw #vent fic #long post #fanfiction #hurt/comfort

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m-aster-of-spinjitzu · 3 years

Text

the hues of an empty sky

Missing memories, or having two of them for one moment - not quite the same, but if there's one thing Jay's leant over the last few weeks, it's that literally nothing makes sense anymore.

Or, some Skybound aftermath, Zane actually expressing emotions about his memory switch being turned off for all those years, and what was supposed to be a 'they tell everyone about the erased timeline' fic, but it turned into a 'two characters who barely interact on screen talk at like one am in the morning, and don't actually tell the other what exactly they're alluding to the whole time' fic that I wrote at like one am-

Also yeah, I realized too late that they split up to look for Wu after s7, we’re just gonna pretend that they waited a few days or something, idk anymore tbh, lol.

(I also didn't have time to edit - so please tell me where the typos are? 😂💛)

Word count: 4539

Prompt: crying, from @ninjago-bingo 's warm board.

Trigger warnings: the main character has a panic attack, and squeezes their fingernails into their hands once or twice but I think that's it.

*facepalms* also, guys, i’m so stupid - i literally just realized that this freaking CHANGES TENSE HALFWAY OHMYGOSH I- i don’t think it’s super noticeable, but ugh, apologies to anyone who actually thought my writing was good lol-

---

It's cold.

Bitterly, freezing cold.

The biting chill of the air is a bit strange for this time of year, but, heck, that's nowhere near the craziest thing that's ever happened to him - not by a long shot.

He sighs, squinting at the stars dotted liberally against the black canvas of the sky.

Cole had once joked that one of them might be the remains of their golden weapons, after they'd hurled the burning mass into the sky - in another alternate timeline; one that only existed in the memories of a certain few.

Gosh - that seemed like such a long time ago.

Wouldn't it be nice to go back to that time, when he'd still thought that their powers were the coolest thing ever - instead of despising them for all the responsibility and sacrifice that came with them? When one of his biggest worries was whether the girl he had a crush on liked him back - not wondering if his friends would survive the night?

"I did not expect to find you awake at this hour, Jay."

Reflexivity, he jumps back, his mind twisting his friend's gentle voice into the- the djin's triumphant, accented one.

You're supposed to be a ninja. What good are you if your friends can still sneak up on you?

"Geez, warn a guy before you sneak up on him! I almost fell off the Bounty!"

"My apologies. I was... surprised to find you awake at this hour," Zane answers. "What are you doing?" "Couldn't sleep. It's too cold," he confesses, not entirely a lie. Ninjago wasn't 'that' far from the Sea of Sand, but he'd grown up in a much warmer area - unfortunately resulting in his practically nonexistent tolerance to the cold. That never failed to stop Kai from teasing him about it, though. He doesn't mention the pressing weight on his chest, almost tangible - or how it constantly makes him feel. Like he's being dragged through the darkness of an empty sky, spikes of fear making everything so freaking terrifying- "You?"

"I have been analyzing my memories of Pixal, in the hope that it may lead me to her whereabouts. However, all my efforts have proved... unsuccessful," Zane answers wearily, shifting his gaze to the sky.

Oh- oh. They'd all be so caught up in the chaos of the last few weeks - hey, it's not like any of them had asked the universe to permanently be out to get them! - that they'd forgotten Pixal was still offline.

"Hey, I'm sure that she's still there somewhere," he says, earnestly. "After all - she wouldn't be your girlfriend if she didn't pull a vanishing act every now and again, eh?"

The question is punctuated with a laugh, but he doesn't say that he's a little worried about her too. They hadn't talked much, but-

I can't see one of my best friends find out that his girlfriend is dead, a quiet voice at the back of his mind points out. Well - been there, done that, wouldn't recommend, he thinks bitterly. Emotional breakdowns and frequent nightmares apply. Anxiety attacks are half off, too!

It's quiet for a few minutes, neither of them seeing a need to break the silence. The wind blows softly through the sails above them; gray wisps of cloud revealing a pale sliver of moonlight that paints the sky in its glow.

It should be a peaceful night: beautiful, calm, no one trying to kill them or destroy their city - for a change.

His hands won't stop shaking.

It should be a peaceful night, but, as usual, the world is too freaking unfair for that-

He hasn't even slept for a full night in weeks! Well, not since- since-

Don't think about it! That's only going to make it worse, duh-

"Are you alright, Jay?"

"Yeah- I- I'm good, thanks," he says quickly, ignoring the way his breathing keeps speeding up. FSM, not this-

Not for the first time, the world suddenly becomes too loud - too much. Every little thing, from trying to breathe properly or even walk- feels insurmountable, because, gosh, oh gosh, it's going to come crashing down if he even moves-

The memory starts off the same as it always does.

Rubble strewn over the temple grounds, his friends literally reduced to nothing more than statues. A shot that hit the mark perfectly, but perfectly shattered his world in the process.

A poison-splattered dress, a terrifying realization.

Her well-aimed joke, but one that never fails to sting every time. Gosh, why hadn't they just allowed her to join their team in the first place? Maybe they could've prevented this- this- whole situation, if they hadn't been so freaking egotistical-

And, again, he's overwhelmed by the sheer sense of helplessness, all his power and training and skills completely useless to one of the people he cared most about. FSM, if only I hadn't used my first w-request so carelessly! If only I'd been able to escape- or, or if only I'd been able to assemble the team faster! If only-

Despite being in what must've been unimaginable pain, she offers a strained smile - a sweet gesture that, ironically, feels like she's poisoning him, because- because FSM, this is all so wrong, it wasn't supposed to end like this-

He watches with horror as her eyes dull and she stills in his arms.

She's gone, FSM, she's gone and it's all my fault-

"Jay?" a voice asks, concern evident in their tone. Distantly, he registers that he's having a breakdown in front of one of his best friends - one of the things he'd been trying really hard to avoid.

Dang it.

"I-" he tries to say, but, great, he's breathing too fast to even get the stupid words out.

"Breathe in for four seconds," Zane says, softly.

Four seconds? Time has no meaning right now, narrowed down to, like - falling down a chasm, terrified of what's at the bottom, except the fear's all around, this- this... foreboding thing of his mind that keeps yelling that he needs to run, or fight, but he can't, can't-

Right. Four seconds.

You're okay, you're fine, no one's trying to hurt you or your friends. She's not dead.

But what if- what if they're being dragged out of this ship right now? What if it was all a dream, and she's dead anyway, because all of us were too stupid to come up with another plan, and none of us could even do anything when she-

After a little while, when he could breathe a little easier, and the fear didn't feel like it was slamming into him from every possible direction, he slowly opened his eyes. Shakily, he wiped a tear from his face - as if that would wipe away all the weeks that had, theoretically, never even freaking happened.

The sky comes back into focus - pinpricks of light against pitch black.

How was he going to come up with some sorta explanation without... well, explaining everything?

Great.

My nerves are frayed, and I have to lie to a walking lie detector - what could possibly go wrong?

"Are you alright?" Zane asks, his brows creased in concern.

"Heh heh, yeah. Probably just too many video games," he replies quickly, laughter a bit strained.

"You were muttering to yourself," his friend replies quietly. Ugh, trust the way-too-observant-nindroid to call him out on the remains of his facade. "If you do not mind me asking, what was 'all your fault'? I am sure that it was probably a misunderstanding."

You're the one who misunderstands everything, he thinks wearily, ignoring the part of him that yearns to tell someone else about... well, everything that's happened because of that stupid teapot. He's not one to keep secrets by nature, and it's been taking a bigger toll of him than he'd thought it would. Is this how Nya felt when she was still the Samurai? "It's- it's nothing, probably just nonsense."

"Are you sure? You seem... quite worried about something."

Dang it, were his hands still shaking? He presses his fingernails into his palms, squeezing his eyes shut for a second.

He's talking to one of his best friends, FSM. Weren't friends able to tell each other anything?

"Do you think it's easier to forget? Better?"

He didn't even realize he'd asked a question until Zane's eyes widened in surprise.

A forest coated in snow, ice crystals dangling from the tree branches above their heads. Plenty of screaming - way too much, he reflects, couldn't they have been a bit nicer? It must've been pretty jarring to learn that you weren't human, or that your father had erased years of your life from your mind - in that weird underground treehouse. Those crazy tree monsters - and the realization that they all had much more power than they'd thought.

"N- nevermind," he stutters, fleetingly thinking of kicking the deck. "That's way too personal, you don't have to answer it-"

"I do not mind," Zane says, a bit sadly.

Oh.

Heck, his friend was way too nice.

They gaze up at the stars for a few minutes, not really seeing them - one drowning under the weight of too many secrets, the other, too many memories.

It's quiet - too quiet.

Ugh, he thinks, sighing, that sounds like something a low-budget horror movie would start with, cringey sound effects to match.

But the silence is a painful reminder of the days he'd spent tossing and turning in a cramped cell - nothing but his worries and the bruises on his leg from that stupid ball and chain keeping him awake.

He's been trying hard - maybe too hard - to avoid being alone, avoid being in a situation where they've gotta be quiet ever since then, because, dang it, his memories always seem to fill the silence, and they're always far more terrifying than they should be-

It's easier, in a way, to be mocked for his stupid jokes than it is to relive a single moment from those nightmarish few weeks.

Almost reflexively, he grasps for something to fill the quiet.

"Heh, this is a bit awkward. It's okay if you wanna leave-"

"I do not mind," Zane echoes, walking a bit closer. "It is not as if I need to sleep. But... I do not quite know what to think of your question."

There comes the answer - or a semblance of one at least, and it's the last thing he'd been expecting.

"You don't know?" he blurts out before he can even think of trying to filter the thought. Way to treat your friend who's been nothing but kind to you, Jay. "But you're- you're a nindroid! You know everything-"

"Pixal," his friend mutters softly, sighing, and the hurt, the fear, laced through the word makes something in his heart practically twist. He knows all too well what it feels like to be in that situation - even if, technically, it had never happened.

Then- "I wish that were true. But I suppose that my emotions make certain situations much more complicated than... than they need to be. Thus I cannot give my perspective on this - or, at least, without sounding quite conflicted."

"You know that you're allowed to be conflicted, right? Even the coolest Nindroids don't know everything."

"...Yes, I suppose so."

Jay frowns at the almost subconscious hesitation, eyebrows creasing in concern.

"Seriously," he starts earnestly. They're both leaning on one of the railings just above the deck now. "Just 'cause you're a nindroid doesn't mean that you've gotta chase some kind of perfection that doesn't even exist."

He doesn't miss how Zane's eyes widen in shock, their bright blue hue glowing a little brighter - and heck, if that doesn't hurt even more than the earlier realization.

"Besides - it's not like none of us haven't made mistakes before. Hate to go all Wu on ya, but they help us learn or some stupid thing like that. Even if the mistake is trying not to make 'em, you know?"

"Thank you," Zane replies, a tired smile on his face. "Even the most advanced tech is susceptible to error, I suppose."

They've all made lots of mistakes, heaven forbid if one of them is still agonizing over messing up over the crazy situations the universe constantly put them in. It's not like they were told they'd have to face more ancient evil armies than they could count, were they?

Maybe it's time to stop focusing on events that never even happened, and pay more attention to your friends. What's the point of being part of this team if you're always scared or selfish?

"Shut up," he mumbles, rubbing his temples. What's the point of fighting if your own brain is gonna fight you whenever it gets a chance? A few seconds later, he schools his face back into his default anxious grin. "Great, cause I- I- could use your advice on something." "Alright," comes the quiet reply, his friend seemingly lost in thought.

"What if you wanted to tell someone something, but you couldn't?"

His breathing starts to speed up again, but he grips the deck until his fingers are practically bruised, stark white against his tanned skin. Not this time-

"Is this what you were referring to earlier? An event that you blamed yourself for?" Zane asks, eyes flitting between the floor and the sky.

Dang it, way too observant as usual. He masks his surprise with a laugh, but the conversation definitely isn't going as planned and, oh gosh oh gosh, what if-

No, there's no way that any of them would even believe that. Besides - no one can remember stuff that they've forgotten, especially if magic's at play.

"Yeah, kinda," and he's surprised by how steady his voice sounds. It's not easy to even think about that- event, talking about it is a whole different thing. A much more difficult thing, but also - a bit, a little bit, easier. "I-" "Apologies for interrupting," his friend interjects. "I suppose that I have not been entirely honest with you." What?

"A few days ago, I discovered a number of deleted memory files buried deep within my code."

Just like that, his whole world tilts out from underneath him.

It takes every ounce of his strength to keep himself from falling into the abyss again.

Wait, what?

Has he really known for all this time? It's been weeks! Surely he would've said something? It can't be, it never even-

The rational part of his mind points out that he can remember every day of those few weeks. Well, he was the one to make the wish - magical logic is kinda stupid, but maybe that's why he had to remember it or something?

Well then, a small voice interjects, why was Nya cursed to remember everything too?

Of course, even the stupid magical logic doesn't even make sense to the one who caused this whole mess in the first place.

"They were almost entirely corrupted - scrambled in a way that I am not familiar with. However, I did realize that certain files bore dates that have not even occurred yet. I dismissed it as a problem with my code, however..."

Breathe, calm down, it's not like he was able to process them or anything-

We agreed that no one was supposed to know! What if they end up blaming us for keeping it a secret this long, or, or-

"I mean, they could've been-" he starts, but the way in which he's nervously twisting his fingers is a pretty clear indication that he's lying, dang it.

"So when you mentioned that you were unable to tell someone something - did you mean that it was because they had quite literally forgotten about it?"

Great. Fantastic. Of course the literal robot has pieced it together by now-

He squeezes his eyes shut for a minute, hoping that if he ignores the problem, maybe it'll go away.

Okay, fine, maybe he's trying to figure out a way to fix this whole mess. Doesn't mean that he's any closer to coming up with a solution, though.

"Er, yeah," he whispers, shoulders slumped, eyes still firmly shut. Because gosh, he doesn't want to - can't, can't - see the realization dawn that, yeah, he's lied to people he's known for years and years, even though they've all seen way too many times that secrets bring nothing but trouble-

"Well, then - I would say that you don't have to tell them," Zane replies, surprisingly... earnestly? That, or he's either too freaked out to understand the tone properly. Could be either.

He opens his eyes, hesitantly.

And it comes as a bit of a shock to find nothing but concern reflected in his friend's.

The almost persistent weight on his chest feels a little lighter now, like the sky isn't as quite so empty.

Well, it still kinda is. But that doesn't hold as much weight as he'd thought it did - not if one of his friends is willing to look past that; past the heaviness of holding up all those memories with nothing his single star, flickering in and out of the darkness, to try and light the unforgiving darkness of the sky.

"Why?" Jay asks, so quietly he can barely hear it himself. "Don't I owe it to them? Do you?"

"No. Definitely not," comes the reply, so full of conviction that he almost stumbles back. Why-

"My father..."

Oh- oh.

"thought it was better to spare me the pain of mourning him than for me to know who I was," Zane confesses, hesitantly. "Not that I disagree, necessarily. I just..."

He trails off, clutching the railing so hard that the wood almost snaps beneath his titanium fingers.

It takes Jay a little while to realize why - why exactly his friend, who has access to a wealth of knowledge and information, is grasping for an answer. Because- because, well, even if someone does something in your best interests - sometimes the choice isn't always up to them. Or maybe it is, but it was... difficult, to say the least, to let go of the fact that his parents had never told him the truth sooner. Not that he blames them, necessarily - it's not like they knew that his father would pass on before he'd even get the chance to meet him - but... it's confusing, and difficult, not to know why you were left at a junkyard as soon as you were born. Maybe if he'd known that sooner, he could've asked the one person who might've had answers - although it's not like hoping for the past to change will actually change it.

They don't even know that you know, a small voice at the back of his mind points out, and suddenly everything makes a lot more sense-

"You wanted a choice," he breathes, eyes widening. A choice - like one that he'd never been given, one that he stills struggles not to hold against two people who've always had his best interests at heart. Even if they did have the right to withhold that one thing, after all they've done for him - the 'what if's' still echo in his mind far more often than he'd like. "There's nothing wrong with that, even if it feels that way. I kinda get where you're coming from, dude, and it's... super confusing, but I'd be pretty mad if my memories were tampered with like that."

So would anyone, he realizes, heart sinking. Oh, great. Not helping-

"I- I suppose so?" Zane answers, but it sounds more like a question than a reply. "However, in the same vein, it would be unwise for you to give away your choice whilst you still have one." "But don't I owe it to everyone? You just said it, it's horrible to alter people's memories and I- I-" "Did we forget... whatever it was for a good reason? "I- I mean, I guess, but..." "Then you do not owe it to us to relive something that we do not even remember." The words should be a relief - and they kinda are. But some part of him really does want to explain the crazy alternate timeline, and everything that happened in it. It's just... really, really freaking difficult.

"What if- what if I wanted to, though?" Jay asks hysterically, running his hands through his hair in a frenzied sort of way. "And I still couldn't? I just, I-"

He cuts himself off with a bout of forced laughter.

Zane takes a moment to reply, the bright blue light in his eyes flickering - a small tell that he was thinking so deeply, his processors were literally sparking up a bit.

"You queried earlier if it was easier, or better, to forget. And while all situations are different, I suppose it is... well, subjective. What do you think?" Zane asks, softly.

Derailing the conversation a bit, but his friend's obviously smart enough to be leading up to something.

Sure, he'll go along with it.

"I mean, there are some things I'd rather forget, you know? I guess we all know what that feels like," Jay replies, the statement with oddly sad air to it. They're still kids, after all, and it gets a bit exhausting pretending that their superhero lives were all fun and games - when they'd just given him enough grey hair to last then lifetimes, and enough nightmares to keep him from ever getting the normal amount of sleep his mum always prattled on about.

Sleep, heh heh. Practically a foreign concept, now.

"And I know that stuff that happens, like shapes us or something - and Master Wu would probably go off on a whole ramble about why we learn from our mistakes or whatever," he laughs nervously, resisting the urge to just fall headfirst onto the deck of the stupid ship instead of continuing the conversation," and how 'our scars only make us stronger', crap like that, but I just-"

"I'm just really... tired of this," he confesses warily, shoulders slumped. "W- I remember so many horrible things, and I-" he breaks off, laughing bitterly. His voice takes on a sort of brittle quality, way too high pitched, "and I can't even talk about them, dude. If that's not the most pathetic thing ever, I dunno what is."

"It does not-"

"Don't say it," Jay mutters, rubbing his temples. "I know, I know, my feelings aren't pathetic, they're always valid, whatever, spare me the lecture-"

"That is not what I was going to say," Zane replies gently. "It just seems that you have answered your own question."

"Gee, which one?"

"I do not know how much helpful assistance I can provide in this situation, but it is understandable to wish certain events had never occurred. However, seeing as we cannot change the past, it seems unwise to dwell on said events if you can avoid it."

Jay stiffens, clamping a shaky hand over his mouth. Something seems to press down even harder on his chest, a heavy sort of weight that causes his breathing to speed up again. Don't say it don't say it there's no reason to warn them this time-

"If you would like to tell any of us about something, of course you are welcome to. It does not to be the whole story, after all. Just make sure that it is the decision you choose, not one you choose because of what you think how it will affect others," Zane finishes quietly, ducking his head as if he's embarrassed.

The stars are still white-hot, burning away some million miles above them.

"Thanks," he says, and puts his hand softly on Zane's shoulder. "I mean, I know - that all makes sense, I guess. It's just- I-"

"You want to?"

"Yeah," Jay starts, sighing, "I do. It's just- it's not just my choice. And I'm pretty much dying already right now, so, as fantastic as making it all worse sounds, hard pass."

Oops, maybe he shouldn't have said that last bit. They'd agreed not to tell anyone about it - even this conversation was cutting it way too close. It wasn't impossible for them to put everything together - they were a pretty smart group, after all, even without their resident inventor and engineer - and Jay didn't really know what he'd think if they did. Fearful? Relieved? Angry?

"That does... not sound great? Dying certainly does not seem-"

"It's called sarcasm, Zane."

"Oh- yes. My memory now accesses the fact that people often speak in that manner. It does seem a bit counterproductive, though. Why not just say what you mean?"

"Shut it, you have no clue how integral to my life it is," Jay replies with a halfhearted grin.

A few seconds later, he remembers something his friend had mentioned earlier, and the grin disappears.

"You know that you can talk to us if you're not happy, right?" he asks, earnestly. Sure, it's not like he could always do that, considering, well, a stupid djin and even stupider magic, but it's not like he needs to. It's- well- he'll be okay, probably. Maybe. Kinda.

Zane's eyes blink on and off again, blue fading in and out. "I... I suppose that I was not quite aware of that."

Okay, they've screwed up way too many times, but this... this is pretty bad. Dang it, how long does it take for them to throw self-preservation instincts at their friend before he freaking- picks them up or something?

"However, will it not hurt those who have experienced the same unfortunate events?"

Dude, not the best question to ask someone wondering the exact same thing-

"It's been... uh, nice, kind of, talking to you. So- I don't think so, and I'm pretty sure someone would say so if it did. Besides, don't we talk about our adventures all the time? It'd probably be better if we... uh, well- heh heh, nothing."

"If we talked about the less than positive elements of them? Perhaps, but I still-"

Maybe it's the fact Zane has always tried to be there for him, or maybe he's too sleep deprived to care anymore, but this is a way too familiar situation and-

Well, not ignoring the issue would be a start.

"Sorry to interrupt, but we're family, Zane. We care about each other. And, gosh, that means that we care about you too. Memories are stupid and annoying sometimes, but we have to make good ones too, right? To block out the bad ones a bit, I guess? Kinda, at least."

They both look away from the stars now, grappling for something else to say.

In the end, they leave it be with a hug and a fondly exasperated warning about sleeping, if you happen to need it.

After all, they're family. They don't have to be perfect, or tell each other everything - even if it does take them a long time to realize that, and an even longer time remembering it.

---

The next time Jay startles awake from a nightmare, the sky is still empty - painfully so, like an ache that simmers beneath the surface even when it's not able to be seen.

The hue, though, is a little lighter.

Just a little - the all-encompassing darkness of it is now a navy sort of blue, his star shining a little bit brighter.

It's still not sunrise, not even close - but he'll take it. AN: the ‘sky’ mentioned at the start and end is a stupid metaphor that i somehow ended up liking too much to trash, it’s ‘empty’ because he hasn’t told anyone about the timeline, and Nya’s not included because they never had a chance to tell each other everything significant or even talked about it or processed it on screen. so yeah! if you read this,,, not great thing, can i send you a hug or good vibes or smth? tyy🥺

#ninjago #jay walker #zane julien #skybound #ninjago fic #not the best thing i've written #actually it's not great-#but i spent too long on it to not post it so if you actually read to here i simunltaneously wanna send you good vibes & apologize profusely-#the ending is super rushed but im too tired to try and write a better one yay:/#also dang it- sorry this fits the prompt so badly i-#i didn't realize till after oops #ninbingo #ninjago jay #ninjago zane #ninjago masters of spinjitzu

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bookwyrminspiration · 2 years

Note

ITS MOSSY AGAIN

I’m in a depressive episode rn so I decided to project onto Kotlc characters but I like to make people think about side characters so I’m gonna project onto the bodyguards

(Tw?? Ig??)

Okay wait

Let’s say Sandor has anxiety and ptsd. Like how could he not?? He has had to kill people and has been trained from a young age. He has really bad anxiety and because the lost cities doesn’t pay attention to mental health he can’t get medicated

Ro struggles with body image. Ya sure she acts all tough but she is insanely insecure.

Grizel?? Um. Idk. WAIT OCD?? Grizel has ocd. She cannot deal with certain textures. Her clothes have to be a certain texture or else she has a panic attack. She hates certain kinds of food.

Bo? Ew we don’t like Bo. Ill let you choose bo because I can’t think of anything.

Anyways ya have a nice day

-Mossy (Kotlc-anon)

Mossy! Welcome back! It's been a little bit since you sent this ask so I hope the depressive episode has gotten better, as it always sucks to be stuck in them just...waiting for it to go away, you know? But even though mental illness sucks, we can always project onto characters!!

(also, I appreciate the thought behind the trigger warning, but it isn't very effective if you don't tell me what the tw is for. you just say tw and that could mean anything from talking about mental health to graphic depictions of violence and all I know is that there's something to be aware of, but I have no idea what or its severity. so if you use one in the future please tell me what the warning is for!)

Oo Sandor...I've often wondered how the goblin and ogres methods of training their soldiers so young actually affects them. Because it seems like their entire career paths have been decided for them before they were old enough to make the decision to join the military and be a soldier, so they've been doing this their entire lives. Focusing specifically on Sandor, he wouldn't have had a childhood, instead constantly competitive and working to prove himself--I mean, he became a general and I doubt that's easy. We don't know a lot about their military, but there had to have been so much pressure on him as a child (and now) that he can't shake. And now he's been in wars and battles, so PTSD is very possible. We don't know how the goblins deal with that, but it would make sense for him to have it, maybe worsened by him constantly going back to protecting Sophie and being on guard and fighting without processing the past.

Maybe Sandor's got gifted kid syndrome, seeing as he rose through the ranks and is now stuck trying to perform at an acceptable level yet it's becoming more and more difficult yet he can't take a break. Burning himself out and it just worsens the anxiety because he's convinced himself that by being good at his job the anxiety will go away (nervous about being bad at your job? just be good at it) but it's just a never ending cycle of torment.

Ro's is an interesting one! Body image...she does seem to alter her body in ways that many other ogres don't--dyed hair, tattoos for fun, painting her nails, etc--which could be her trying to change her appearance because she doesn't like it. I've mentioned in the past that her loud attitude and the way she takes up space and constantly makes comments about other people might be a defense mechanism, because if she gets to the others first then she's less of a target. In this instance it could be trying to get them to dislike her so they pay her less attention and try to avoid her, and the more that happens the less likely they are to notice her or her body and he things she doesn't like about herself.

The ogre armor doesn't seem like it would help either, seeing how much skin it puts on display. There's very little coverage and what it does cover is molded to the shape of her body, so she really can't hide. All she's got is her personality to protect her, so maybe she really aggressive and unpleasant as a result of that and trying to get people to stay away from her as much as she can as a bodyguard.

Grizel! Ngl I wasn't aware that those symptoms you described were part of OCD (I associate those more with autism and sensory disorders), so I don't think I can really comment on those. In terms of obsessions and compulsions, maybe if Grizel's OCD is something she developed from being a bodyguard and all the trauma that comes with that, they might center around harm and hurting others. Fears of injuring her guard, forgetting something she needs to remember to protect them, things being slightly unbalanced and it causes something bad to happen. Essentially, her fears might center around hurting people--maybe that could branch out into the spread of disease, trying to protect people through strict cleanliness.

I imagine whatever compulsions she does to try and deal with that wouldn't be helpful to being a good bodyguard. Constantly on edge and checking herself, reviewing things so nothing happens, repeating things etc. It would be exhausting to engage in all that on top of her responsibilities, I assume.

As for Bo, I'm not sure! I've already taken up a lot of space with this ask so maybe I'll talk about him in another one. Maybe something that affects how he gets along with others, his empathy, things like that. He's shown to be very independent in the books and only gets along with others when he's ordered to. Something where he follows the rules strictly. Unsure exactly what it would be but!! It's an interesting prompt.

I hope you also have a nice day!! If you have a time zone similar to mine than you're just starting out and have the rest of the day to enjoy and do things. I'm gonna see if I can get through a lot of writing today, as I haven't written in a month and a half (NaNoWriMo got me really ahead and then family things happened) and I miss it. I want to know what happens next in my stories so I'm hoping to find out.

#I've reread the last few chapters #and I wish I'd taken more notes when writing them because I've forgotten some of the plans I had #so I'll have to figure something else out #but it's okay!!#just excited to get back to writing #it has been too long and I miss it #quil's queries #mossy nonsie #kotlc bodyguards #kotlc ro #kotlc sandor #kotlc grizel #kotlc bo #mental health #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #tw caps

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variousqueerthings · 3 years

Text

About Daniel & Miyagi & Grief’n’Stuff

I commented underneath this awesome gifset that paralleled KK3 and Cobra Kai about some interesting depth of feeling that so far has only been hinted at in the latter in relation to Daniel.

Lots of people are watching the tv show first and either going back to watch the films (like I’ve done) or deciding to get the story purely from CK, so there’s a small tangent where I mention that I think it’s some pretty cool writing that means depending on what you’ve watched when you understand the story differently, which is just neat meta storytelling (there’s Daniel’s side, there’s Johnny’s side, and there’s the truth).

Spoilers for the Karate Kid movies (but they’re 30 years old, go watch’em)

I mainly focused that little comment on Cobra Kai and Daniel’s trauma, which never really seemed to be about Johnny himself, but rather his presence bringing back unpleasant Cobra Kai memories, but there’s something else I found having watched the three movies after watching the show and it’s sort of related to that and sort of related to Miyagi and sort of related to Daniel’s need to honour his memory perfectly - mainly it’s that Daniel probably needs help processing some grief and guilt + some Moments from those movies that I hope to see in coming seasons.

when I was watching the show (even with a knowledge of the trajectory of the films) I had a sense of Daniel as an avid student of Miyagi’s whose life was deeply affected by his presence in it. Clearly emotionally attached to him and his teachings, but still very much in a mentor/student space, with an allegory of fatherhood attached to it - this did start shifting in season 3 after Daniel returned to Okinawa, but there were still some pieces missing that I needed to actually see their interactions to get.

After watching the movies, I now understand that Daniel was actually very textually Miyagi’s adopted son in everything but name (and that he probably feels like he’s failed him and can never make things right, because he’s dead now and that’s yet another interesting parallel with Johnny in terms of his mother) and that makes every decision he makes in relation to Miyagi slot into place in a much more heart-breaking way.

- the intensity of his devotion to his teaching style (even though it’s not actually a natural fit to his own temperament and in some ways might be a detriment - there’s a not-quite-tangent here about how combining elements of that style with elements of Johnny’s is what both of them need), his bitterness about Cobra Kai (in tandem with the events of the third movie), his not-at-all Miyagi-like response to the attack on the dojo and theft of Miyagi’s medal of honour, his emotions upon returning to Okinawa, even the more “slanted towards a bit of humorous white people don’t get appropriation” stuff like the scene with the fish and Kyler etcetc. (Although idk how Miyagi would feel about the karate-ads)

Miyagi was his father. Not just a father-adjacent, or a metaphor for fatherhood, no, he just straight up considered Daniel to be his son. And that sentiment was returned. No wonder Daniel’s emotionally compromised when it comes to anything that might tarnish his memories of him.

There are a few scenes in particular that I’m interested in whether they’ll show -

1. First movie Miyagi gets drunk and speaks to Daniel about his past - while he was fighting in WWII winning his medal of honour, his wife died while pregnant in an internment camp, because she didn’t have access to a doctor (which... there is so much within that little piece of backstory). Daniel tucks a now sleeping Miyagi in and studies the medal, realising that his presence means as much to Miyagi as Miyagi’s does to him. He bows in respect before leaving for the night.

2. Second movie (while they’re building a room for Daniel to stay in at Miyagi’s instead of going with his mum to Fresno, which is unbearably cute. We see him living in it in the third movie) Daniel makes a frame for the medal of honour as a gift - Miyagi isn’t exactly dismissive, but there’s that overtone of how it connects to one of the most painful moments of his life. Still, he’s happy that Daniel took the time to do this for him, even while using it as another teachable Moment about bravery. - in the third movie the frame (same frame as in the tv series) is hanging on Miyagi’s wall.

3. Later on, while they’re in Okinawa, Miyagi’s father dies and he goes to sit at a spot that looks over the sea to mourn him. Daniel finds him there and sits down with him, telling him about his own father’s death, about how he felt guilty as a son that he couldn’t do more for him, but the most important thing was that he was there, held his hand, and said goodbye (cries for the 100th time).

4. Third movie. Before realising that Silver has deliberately manipulated him Daniel’s basically suffering a mental breakdown, comparing himself to a very special Bonsai tree that had earlier been destroyed, describing himself as “broken and twisted” - Miyagi takes him into the garden to show him that he fixed the tree and tells Daniel that he has strong roots and I... cry...

5. In general during the third movie we see Daniel pushing Miyagi away several times (one time after which Miyagi is standing alone with tears in his eyes, fuck ooooffff), because he thinks he’s let him down, while Miyagi is just worried. For his son. And yeah, we have them training again and replanting the fixed Bonsai tree and there’s a sort-of catharsis in that, but it never feels like the core of Daniel’s anxieties in that film are dealt with in the text.

We know the Bonsai Tree Shop (which Daniel gave his college fund for and was meant to be Miyagi’s retirement) failed. We know that he was terrified of Silver until the end. We know he was beaten half to hell, even if he did win his match in the end. We don’t know what happened to Silver or Barnes. We know that Kreese is back and that Silver at least is likely about to come back.

Daniel towards the end of that movie feels like he failed Miyagi and the show hasn’t really stated whether or not that feeling ever went away - from the clues so far, I’d say not.

Quite apart from the fact that the acting in these is fucking stellar (the first of them earned Pat Morita his oscar nod and the third is just... wow. Probably my favourite out of all of the scenes in the franchise), they speak so much to the depth of their relationship and respect for one another and to the theme of parenthood and chosen family that the series later expands upon.

In a story of terrible fathers, Miyagi was a great one, and with Cobra Kai back - and likely to get worse from here on out - the lack of Miyagi’s presence weighs pretty damn heavily on Daniel, especially if he never dealt with any of these things - of course, now he has Amanda and Johnny, if only he’d ask (Manifests For Season Four).

The series has so far skewed more towards Johnny, which makes a lot of sense, since there were more unknowns about him to play with going in and it’s at first about building him into the more fully-realised character that Billy Zabka had in his head (+ he’s delightful), but with Terry Silver almost definitely coming into the picture, and Daniel and Johnny finally in the position to really start maybe sharing more of their inner selves with each other, I just really really hope that we get to see these moments as framings for Daniel’s story, not just for Johnny’s perspective of him to start opening up, but so the audience can see and/or remember where Daniel’s coming from.

This show is very good at deciding when we get to see whose perspective and the creators are interested in exploring more of that aftermath + have used the medal of honour within the plot already + love Silver as a villain, so all of this is my vague... not really prediction, more of an excitement.

Daniel’s journey is partially one of realising that Miyagi was always proud of him and that the lessons he taught him mean he’ll always be there to protect him, and I’m just excited for Daniel to understand that.

He’s not as alone as he thinks he is.

#daniel larusso #nariyoshi miyagi #cobra kai #the karate kid #kinda predictiony kinda stuff #kinda an emotion i didn't expect to have AS intensely after the movies as i did #kinda feeling intensely about miyagi #kinda lowkey wanting to write a series of parallels between daniel and johnny #my meta #cobra kai meta

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thepigeonsopinion · 3 years

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So…

As I said, after my theory and salt rant on the spoilers and trailers for the episode “Crocoduel” (link down below)

I would probably say my thoughts on the episode after I was done watching the episode itself. So, here I am. :)

Also, I’m on a road trip with my family and some family friends, so I watched the episode and typed this up late (or early) night (or morning) so…:p

Anyways! Before I start saying my thoughts on the episode, let’s do a summary or a synopsis of the episode.

Warning: Spoilers for “Crocoduel”

The episode starts during Kitty Section Rehearsal. Everyone is having fun, while Kitty Section is playing. When Kitty Section finished their set and everyone was praising them Luka all of sudden mentions that Marinette hasn’t been to rehearsals in a while, which leads Luka to think that she’s avoiding him, which also leads to him starting to get depressed. Everyone tries to reassure him that she isn’t avoiding him, she’s just really busy (mainly Rose). It doesn’t work and Luka gets more depressed and leaves the group. The group then tries to make a plan to help Luka and Marinette by exploiting the twins b-day.They ask Juleka if she approves of the plan and she nods. Juleka then tells Luka about the party that they’re having on the boat. Luka gets excited to see Marinette and everyone at the party. After, Marinette finds about the party on the Liberty she’s able to piece together the groups plan and ask Juleka if she can somehow find a way for Luka not to be there at the party. Juleka tries to tell or ask Luka if he can’t attend the party, but she doesn’t have the heart to tell him. Then, all of sudden Jagged comes the through the porthole of the twins room. Jagged gives Luka the attention while Juleka is in the corner. Anarka burst into room to tell Jagged he is not allowed on the boat, which results in Jagged being invited to the twins b-day party. On the day of the party, while everyone is going down to the Liberty, Juleka starts to feel anxious about not being able to comply to everyone’s wishes. When Marinette goes to thank Juleka she sees Luka and starts to panic and leaves below deck. Luka takes this as a sign she doesn’t want to be his friend anymore and starts feeling depressed, which almost causes his akumatization Luckily, everyone is there to reassure and comfort him. Meanwhile, with Juleka and Marinette, Marinette asks her why Juleka wasn’t able to not invite Luka, which Juleka starts to feel guilty about it which almost causes her akumatization, but Marinette is there to comfort her. Cue, Jagged coming aboard the Liberty and greets Luka. They go downstairs so Jagged can give his present to Luka. Juleka starts to feel left out and Marinette calls him out. Jagged explain to them that it was a misunderstanding and tells them that the gift was for Juleka and the gift Luka gets is an old record of Jagged and Anarka’s is old music. Anarka sees this and tells him not give Luka that because it’s the reason they fell apart. Jagged disagrees with Anarka and they get into argument, which results in both of them being akumatized. Everyone evacuates the boat and watches the two akumas. The akumas instead of putting an onslaught on Paris they fight each other in a battle. But, when Ladybug appears and intervenes they both go after her. Meanwhile, Adrien is getting ready for a photoshoot (i assume idrk and idrc :)) and sees the commotion and transforms into Chat Noir. (ok guys yk the drill) Ladybug and Chat Noir fight against the akumas, then Ladybug has to use Lucky Charm. The charm leads her to get Juleka and give her the tiger miraculous, which debuts the super heroine Tigress Pourpre (or purple tiger as it said in the english sub :)). Meanwhile, the akumas bring their fight up to the sky and have a stare down before the two super heroines intervene. They get the akumatized object. Tigress uses her power “Collision” (which i still don’t know what it does other than it sends a power full force or punch). They capture the akuma and Ladybug does her Miraculous Ladybug and everything returns as the way it was before the akuma attack. Jagged and Anarka start arguing again until Juleka finally stands up and yells at them to talk instead of argue. They two are shocked, but comply and they make up. The party continues, Jagged and Juleka have their little moment, and Marinette and Luka have a talk about how Marinette avoiding Luka made him feel, which ends on them agreeing to be friends. End of episode.

Wow! That was a long, detailed, and unnecessary summary, but, oh well it’s too late now. :p

Now onto my thoughts on this whole episode :)

So, let’s start off from the beginning. I liked how the costumes were the exact same as the “Silencer” episode, EXACTLY the same :) (you can tell i’m being sarcastic) But, in all seriousness I wish the outfits were a bit different, but I get it, I still like the original costumes though. Luka being sad about Marinette really struck a sad chord in my heart (because I have a soft spot for Luka). And when Rose tried to cheer up Luka by saying she was just busy with water ponies and all that, some might find that stuff endearing and funny, but tbh I found that kinda unnecessary. Not to mention, the way Rose described Marinette’s favorite “water pony” “Pom Pony” it suspiciously sounded a lot like Adrien Freaking Sunshine Agreste. I mean “has a gold mane. that is just so good to brush! But he is super sensible” doesn’t that ring a bell of some kind, it’s kinda obvious with the gold mane, but then again I might be looking to far into that. Anyway, moving forward, I know Juleka is kinda like the outcast or the seventh wheel of the group, but like come on! It was clear that she didn’t think that the plan was great idea, but she just didn’t have the courage to say anything. Like, can’t anyone see that she seems uncomfortable. But, I guess that was a bit redeemed when they gave us a cute julerose moment. Moving forward, to when Alya was talking to Marinette, so the scene itself wasn’t that bad, but when Marinette went up and said and I quote “But…it’s going to be so weird! You know that Luka loves me and I love Adrien! And every time we see each other. he gets hurt because he knows I will never feel the same!”, “You know that Luka loves me and I love Adrien!” “I LoVe AdRiEN!?”. I swear to everything that is keeping me sane if I hear Marinette mention how much she LoVeS AdRiEn and how much she wishes he would notice her I’m going to lose it. I mean, all crushes are valid, but come on! Do we a need a reminder EVERY FREAKING EPISODE! Also, where are the Adrien pictures I swear they were there before, but idk. Also, for once I agree with Alya, she can’t keep avoiding Luka I mean look at this sad boy…

I don’t wanna see this boy frown I wanna see this boy happy and play happy chords on his guitar not sad ones :( Anyway, more into the episode, I feel so bad for Juleka. She really was everyone’s scapegoat this episode. Not to mention, how she felt left out and guilty at the same time. For one, not being as acknowledged as one should be on their b-day on both her family and friends. And then she also felt guilty for not complying to Marinette’s request and feeling bad if she did comply to Marinette’s request. Moving along with the episode, I know that Jagged being Luka and Juleka’s dad is a big “shocker” but come on Marinette you knew that Jagged was Luka’s dad you were there! It so easy to piece together that he’s also Juleka’s father too because, well they’re twins! But, I digress. Speaking of twins, everyone is aware that Luka and Juleka are twins, but (and yes I am bringing this back up) in the synopsis they only say “Juleka’s Birthday”, I would’ve played it off if no one knew that they were twins and it was supposed to be a big reveal where everyone found they were twins (even if Astruc spoiled it already) but no, everyone was aware that they were twins, so I don’t see why it they couldn’t have just added his name in or said the Twin’s Birthday. But, okay I guess they’re just lazy. So, where was I? Oh, right! So,Marinette goes below deck and Juleka follows and in which results in Marinette comforting her. And I feel like that this is the reassurance that Juleka needed, to know that everything was going to be ok because when you look at her face in that scene all her negative thoughts leave her and she feels liberated of some sorts. Fast forward to when the parents get akumatized, three words Couffaine Family Drama and that’s it, that’s legit all I got on that. Anyways! Onto when Ladybug intervened in the akuma fight, I still don’t get why they had to include the scene of Adrien getting ready for something, I kinda think that scene was a bit unnecessary. Like, even if that scene wasn’t included in the final cut of the episode I would’ve been fine, but okay we’ll just deal with the scene. Not to mention, they had to make Chat Noir appear right after Ladybug get hits by the canon ball, some people say coincidence, I say convenient. Now, let’s talk about the lady of the hour, the new super heroine, Tigress Pourpe! I LOVE HER! and I’m not joking. Even when Juleka met Roar, her kwami, I was like “YES!” because Roar actually is the one that helps Juleka get her confidence to help her in suit and out. Not to mention, the relationship between the two is really cute. Even, Juleka’s suit is beautiful and very detailed and you can see the confidence that the Juleka has in the suit. And I AM HERE FOR IT! I also love that Juleka’s super heroine identity is apart of her overall character arc because of how you can see that Juleka standing up to her parents is the first step for her to be able to overcome her anxieties and become more confident in herself. Also, the Jagged and Juleka moment was so cute. I kinda underestimated Jagged as father figure. You can really see that he is trying his best to spend time and provide for his kids and I love it. Now onto the final scene, first of all, I am so relieved that Luka didn’t say “You and Adrien are meant to be” because I swear if he did I would’ve been dead on the floor. Second of all, I freaking melted when Luka said “it hurt more not to see you”. You can tell how much Luka loves and cares about Marinette when he only needs to be her friend to be satisfied, he doesn’t have to be in a serious relationship with her he just needs to be her friend and be able to see her. Luka deserves so much more than what the show has given him.

And with that my rant and review on the episode “Crocoduel” is finished.

I know I probably left some things out, but if I have an epiphany I’ll probably just post it later. Now that this is finished I’ll probably also do a rant or review on the episode “Wishmaker” because I’m very hyped to see it and I know I’ll have a lot to say about it.

And with that I hope everyone has a great rest of their day (or night)! :)

And always remember…

But that’s just my opinion (・ε・)

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gaemkyuu · 3 years

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I’m Right Here (Owen Joyner x Fictional Character

Warnings: anxiety attack and self-deprecation A/N: Sorry this one took so long! The fictional character has been shamed for her anxiety from her parents. The experience of an anxiety attack is based on the ones I have. It’s different for everyone. Disclaimer: This is a FICITONAL writing piece! In no way do I claim characters in this piece act this way in real life.

Masterlist *now taking requests ;)

I’m Right Here

“Hey Jade! Wait up!” Jade was walking out of her trailer and on her way to her car, until she heard Owen call out for her. She paused and turned around to face the tall blonde, who stopped in front of her slightly out of breath. He bent slightly over his knees, catching his breath and still in costume.

“Aren’t you supposed to be filming a scene right now?” she cocked her eyebrow at him and rested a hand on her hip. They were on set filming for Julie and the Phantoms season 2, and Jade was brought in as a minor character as a part of Carrie’s posse. She didn’t have any major dialogues save the one or two quips her character had, so she was mostly there for the dance portions. That often meant she was able to leave set earlier or she had less days on set than others.

“Yeah, they’re setting up, but I wanted to catch you before heading out” Owen started to shift his weight from leg to leg and began to avoid eye contact. Jade felt butterflies in her stomach but immediately tried to suppress them, knowing that what she hoped was happening was probably not. She didn’t want to get her hopes up, only for them to be deflated. “You got any plans Tomorrow night?”

“Just snuggling with my dog and drinking wine while singing karaoke” she mentally facepalmed herself at her honesty. She just sealed the deal on being forever single. Owen fidgeted and the air between them became awkward, no thanks to Jade’s awkward confession.

“Listen, I was wondering, and you can totally say no, if you wanted to maybe go to dinner with me? That’s if dinner is something you do, not like eat, because I’m sure you eat dinner, but if you don’t I’m not judging you. I mean like dinner dinner, y’know?” the boy looked frazzled and a little desperate to stop his verbal diarrhea from making him look even stupider than he did in that current moment.

“Like a date?” Jade hoped she wasn’t being too forward, but then again, a girl had to know. Owen gave her a sheepish smile and a nod yes, instantly filling her with excitement. “YES! Uhm... I mean sound great. I’d totally love- i mean like to go on a date with you” she blushed furiously, hoping she didn’t sound too desperate or too excited.

“Great! I’ll pick you up at 7?” she nodded and he smiled turning around and jogging back to set. Jade felt like she could fly or bench press a bus. She always tried to deny having feelings for him, but whenever she was asked she would stumble over her words and everyone instantly knew. Savannah and Tori often teased her about her feelings and pushed her to ask him out, but she was too nervous. Correction, she was too afraid to be rejected.

Jade never thought of herself as anything more than a plain and ordinary girl who happened to be able to dance well. She wasn’t overly pretty but she wasn’t hideous either, and there were very little standout qualities. Most people described her as quiet, mousy with a pretty smile, but nothing ever more than that. She believed she got it from her family as they too were described similarly. Her mother was a dentist and her father worked at a law firm. She was an only child and they have always lived a comfortable life, so naturally Jade never had any interesting stories to tell. She was just your average plain Jane.

The drive back to her apartment was full of joy and she blasted the music in her car as she drove, singing along to every tune. She was extremely excited to go on this date and her enthusiasm carried on as she bounced to her apartment door and inside. Placing her keys on the counter by the door, she went to her closet to pick out the best outfit. Looking at the array of clothing, she picked out a few and sent them to her co-stars/best friends for their opinions. Unfortunately, they both had different ideas as to what she should wear that night.

Sav: go for something cute and conservative! Southern boys like all American girls!

Tori: go for something a little sexy Cali girl. Like I’m a good girl but I’m also capable of being bad too

Sav: for the first date? Idk...

Tori: Sav, do you really think Owen is only about them all American girls? He was the one talking about how peaches were a brilliant emojis for butts

Sav: point taken.

Sav: go for something that best represents you!

Jade: a paper bag?

Tori: really?

Tori: you are more than just a paper bag J

Sav: we gotta go, Kenny’s calling places. I’m sure what you’ll pick will be fine! Send us a pic!

Jade frowned that her friends couldn’t chat longer to help her, but she knew she had to do this on her own. After filing through clothing, she finally found something she liked but noticed that she had spent an hour picking an outfit. Owen would be by in two hours, meaning that she had to speed up her process if she didn’t want to feel rushed!

She slipped stepping into the tub to take a shower, smashing her elbow on the towel bar. She quickly tried to rub the pain as she cursed under her breath. She had no time to be clumsy! She started her shower up and gracefully hopped in this time, hoping to avoid any further injury. After doing her daily hygiene routine, she applied the hair mask and wrapped it up in a shower cap, applying her face mask right after. She noticed that her legs felt the slightest bit fuzzy and cursed herself for not shaving in the shower. Quickly glazing at her phone for the time, she slathered on shaving cream and attempted to shave her leg using her bathroom counter, which was a mistake. She slipped, nicking her leg on the way down, bumping her head against the wall too.

“It’s fine, you’re fine, not a big deal Jade” she comforted herself. “Stick a Band-Aid on it and just wear jeans!”

She began to wash out the hair and facemask, making a mental note to patch herself up after. As she patted her face dry, she opened the medicine cabinet to grab a Band-Aid, when the lights shut off. Fumbling around for her phone, she quickly turned on the flashlight to find a Band-Aid and her bathrobe. Slipping on the robe, she made her way to the apartment breaker. Nothing had tripped on the breaker panel, but the power in her suite was completely shut off.

“That’s fine! You’ll just have to go with your natural curls instead of spicing things up with a straightener!” she could already feel the nauseous and claustrophobic feeling in her chest creep up on her, but she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Now was not a good time for her to have an anxiety attack. She had an hour and fifteen minutes before Owen came. Plenty of time... right?

Making her way over to her closet, she began to look for another outfit that would look good with the jeans that she had picked out. She tried on top after top, but nothing seemed to fit right. Giving a huff in frustration, she sat on the bed to take a deep breath. She had to get going if she was going to have enough time to do her makeup, but it seemed like life had other plans. All of a sudden, the fire alarm in the complex went off, indicating that everyone was being asked to evacuate. She jumped at the noise and quickly threw on a sweater, grabbing her passport, wallet, documents and phone before exiting the building with the other residents.

It turned out to be a fire drill that was scheduled to happen last week, but Jade had completely forgotten about it. They all had to stand outside while the fire marshal cleared the building and checking the safety of it. By the time Jade had made her way back into the building and up to her suite, she had 30 minutes before Owen came over. She hated the outfit she was wearing, her hair was a mess due to the wind outside and she had no makeup on!

The feeling in her chest increased gradually as she rushed around the house, doing her best to multitask. The power came back on when she entered the suite, so she tried straightening her hair as the curls were a mess, but she underestimated her multitasking skills. She burnt herself multiple times as she tried to do her makeup and hair at the same time. It didn’t help that the bottom half of her hair was straight and the bottom half wasn’t, and her eyeliner was uneven. Looking at herself in the mirror stressed her out even more, so she washed her face and decided to restart. The alarm on her phone notified her that Owen would be at the door in 5 minutes, and that’s when everything bubbled over. Looking at her messy face, half done hair, wet shirt and jeans, she sniffled until the tears welled over. She sank to the bathroom floor feeling like an idiot. No normal person would be this upset over their appearance, so why was she? Would Owen think she was weird because of this? Would he even want to go out with her? Her breathing increased and she started to feel her ensuite close in on her, signaling a full blown anxiety attack.

Jade wasn’t comfortable talking about her anxiety. Her parents often made her feel like she was overreacting or seeking attention whenever they happened, but they never understood that if Jade had the choice, these things wouldn’t get to her. This feeling that you need to escape, but you don’t have the energy so you’re just a buzzing ball sitting in a deep dark hole. She would often cry during her attacks, ashamed that she lost control and ashamed that she got to this place. Her friends would tell her to seek professional help for it, but she waved them off knowing that if she did see someone, it would make things worse between her and her parents. She loved them a lot and often sought for their approval, and doing this would work against the hard work she put in to make them proud.

“Jade?...unlocked...hope that’s okay?... helloo?....dead?.... Jade?”

“Jade? Hey... Hey you’re okay...”

“Jade? It’s Owen.”

“Squeeze my hand if you hear me”

“Okay good. I want you to breathe with me”

“You’re doing great”

“That’s it”

“Breathe in for five, out for five”

“In five”

“Out five”

The murkiness of the voice became clearer and clearer as she regained control of her breathing. She began to feel a warmth enveloping her and holding her firmly. She wasn’t in the bathroom anymore but rather on the sofa in her living room with the balcony door open, letting in a cool breeze.

“Jade?” She focused her attention on the blonde boy who sat beside her, his arm currently wrapped around her and the other holding her hand. “Hey” his smile was warm and understanding, but Jade couldn’t help the tears that came to her eyes. Seeing this, Owen knew immediately what was happening. Before the apology left her lips, Owen had already began to speak.

“You have nothing to apologize for... Is this the first time?” She bowed her head sadly, wiping away the tears and shaking her head no. In this moment, she felt like a little kid getting into trouble, bracing herself for the disappointment she caused.

“Listen, I know how you feel. Your anxiety? Your panic? I feel it every day. You don’t have to be ashamed in front of me. Hell, you shouldn’t have to feel ashamed in front of anyone. Everyone goes through this right? Well obviously, in their own ways and not like you and me, but I think you get the point” his rant elicited a small chuckle from the girl. “Want to talk about it?”

Jade nodded her head, feeling comfortable around him. She recounted her struggles since getting home to the razor to the power to the fire drill up until their current moment. Owen was silent and attentive the entire time, hanging on to every word that came from her mouth.

“I mean, I’m flattered that you put in all this work to go on a date with me, but seriously, and I’m not saying this to like get on your good side or anything, but you don’t need all the makeup and stuff. You’re pretty pretty on your own” she smiled at his comment, grateful for the compliment as it made her feel better.

“Thanks, I’m sorry I ruined our date” he scoffed and shook his head, moving to the kitchen counter picking up the flowers he had brought for her.

“I was going to give these to you at the door, but seeing as the plans have changed, you should probably take them and put them in some water?” she blushed at the gesture and took them gratefully from him. As she puttered around the kitchen for some sort of vase, he tapped away on his phone. “Do you like pizza?”

“Owen, I LOVE pizza” he grinned back at her and tapped a couple more times on his phone. “What are you doing?”

“Bringing date night to us.” he replied simply, locking his screen and plopping down on the couch, clicking through the apps on the TV. “Alright, so you’re gonna show me your favorite musical and I will show you mine”

Jade thought that in order to make a good impression on a first date, you had to look perfect. Owen that night helped her see that when two people like each other, Pizza and Musicals are all you need on a first date.

#owen joyner #imagine #fanfiction #owen joyner fanfiction #owen patrick joyner #owen patrick joyner fanfic

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theadorablespderman · 5 years

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Everything to love about Far From Home not in this order:

Literally seeing that opening with all our loved avengers that are no more.

Whitney Houston “I will always love you” made me cry because damnit Tony’s face was right THERE! NOT OK!

The blip footage was pretty damn funny not gonna lie.

Peter’s cute ass plan to tell MJ how he feels.

MJ’s favorite flower being a Black Dalia because of the murder. Literally a girl I can relate too. Murderinos for life sister. Idk but it just made her sooo relatable!

The fact that Brad is a kid grown up from the blip and that made him seem all the weirder for MJ.

Jealous Peter was so freaking amazing! Oh my gosh! That face he’d get. I’m a sucker for jealousy and they did it so good.

Making MJ this awesome character she was before but also obviously has this softer layer where she does have flaws and insecurities and she’s really sweet but also so badass. That was amazing.

The starting relationship between Peter and Beck. It was cute and so I was sad knowing that Beck was somehow going to be the villain.

Also let’s talk about how Beck is basically Syndrom from the incredibles.

That scene with Peter and Brad....the pure terror when he snapped that picture

Also seeing how big of a dick Brad is and how unhealthy jealous he was.

“Nick Fury” getting ghosted, showing up in Venice, tranquilising Ned (don’t touch him you monster) and then promptly highjacking Peters Summer trip.

Showing the emotional trama Peter is going through. The anxiety, the greiving. It was very reminiscent of Iron Man 3 when Tony suffers from PTSD after the battle of New York. I loved that they showed Peter reacting as any kid would, many adults too, which is to just try and forget anything happened but being faced with the reality every day. So well done.

Happy and May’s relationship. Enough said 😂😂

I feel cheated we didn’t see Mr delmore again.

Addressing all the problems the Blip/Snap created. High school aging, school, drinking ages, homelessness and housing issues. That’s just the start of it I’m sure but they covered those pretty well and I love that.

The technology that made Beck into Misterio was so well done. Instead of some frankly, kinda far fetched story that he came from an alternate earth (which I was willing to believe but felt it was a cop out in terms of plot and character) they showed the real world issues that superhero’s can create. The Enemies that have a real deep rooted hatred for hero because they’ve personally been betrayed or wronged by them. Because marvel has always made clear, everyone is not on the hero’s side.

Steeping Misterio’s powers in tech which is classing marvel but again, so brilliantly done in this movie. I loved the development. Because at first glance, half way through, I was thinking “wow this is really kinda weird and unexplained and too witchcraft for what marvel usually brings to the superpower backstory” I know it’s weird to say after everything marvel has done. But it seemed just a tad out there without being too hard to grasp. Which again was brilliantly done because that was the whole point.

The nod to Misterio’s helmet even when Beck was in the hologram suit watching everything play out. I guess it was his screen? But I loved the staple of even without his big over the top suit he still had the trademark helmet. Great costume design.

Peter’s soft gazes towards MJ. Nearly gave me a cavity they were so sweet! Ahhh sooo cute

Mr. Harrington’s marital problems nearly made me pee my pants....we all knew here in the fandom that shit like that would half to happen but my god lol

The opera scene was sooo freakin cute and that one step Peter took when he saw Brad move in was so freaking cute and hot!

MJ running after him and finding the critical peice of information to crack the case wide open. Loved it.

Betty and Ned’s Sicily sweet romance that you knew couldn’t possibly last. They really nailed the realistic high school romance. But I still ship it.

The bus scene was epic. And when Peter knocked Flash out...god it was amazing.

Mj obviously having love eyes towards Peter same as he does for her.

THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY BOUGHT THAT NECKLACE FOR HER OH MY GOD! I CANT GET A GUY TO TEXT ME BACJ LET ALONE BUY A NECKLACE LIKE THAT WHICH PROBABALY COST A GOOD CHUNK OF CHANGE IT WAS SO FREAKING AMAZING AND CUTE AND TOUCHING.

All the iron man images got me feeling depressed as hell

“are you being serious because I was only like 67% sure?” That was amazing. Seeing MJ get so excited and trying to keep that hidden was awesome

The fact that she was so pleased with herself but also played it hella cool when Ned walked in and she said she figured it out. Literally that is me.

The shirtless Peter trope that we all wanted and freaking got! So freaking cute how she tried to peak at his abs. Like understandable girl.

The fucking illusions. Turning our sweet trusting Peter into a ball of mess. I was too.

God when he had to tell himself it wasn’t real but it still totally feels like it is.

Him trying to save MJ when she’s “thrown off the Eiffel Tower”

Every traumatizing thing Beck shows and tells him during the illusion. So shitty.

Seeing Tony’s grave, seeing iron man come out. That was awful and we all felt it in the movie because we’ve lost him too. We could FEEL that slap same as Peter.

Beck telling Peter that Tony’s death was his fault. I was abouta hurl myself at the movie screen.

Every illusion done in a way that just when you think it’s over, it’s never stopped. You forget what’s real and you feel trapped in it same as Peter does.

WHEN HE GETS HIT BY THE TRAIN!!!!!!!!!! Nearly had a damn heart attack!!!! My mom had to look over and ask if I was ok because I literally stopped breathing for a solid 30 seconds.

Showing gradually just how insane and evil Misterio was.

HAPPY BEING CONCERNED FOR PETER! LIKE SINCERELY AND HONESTLY CONCERNED! It’s good to know he’s got Happy to take care of him and May but that Peter still has a father type figure he can count on after Tony. Because you know Tony wouldn’t have put up with any of that getting hit by a train shit.

Also where the hell was Karen? We missed her. We got Edith but Karen wouldn’t have let Misterio take her over. WHERE WAS KAREN!!

Peter crying and needing to know Happy was real. Broke me heart

That hug between them was so sweet and you can see the concern on Happy’s face

Happy and Peter opening up to each other was so awesome considering their relationship in Homecoming.

ALL THE TONY and PETER PARRELLS! All of them!!!!!!!!! Not the people saying “Spider-Man’s the next Ironman” no the actual hints and glimpses at how similar him and tony actually are. The hologram gauntlet shot, a straight parallel to Iron Man when Tony is building his first real suit. Obviously “Back in Black” by Led Zeplen (formally known as AC/DC) playing. Another obvious hint toward Tony. The Stark sunglasses. Peter falling with the parachute and it literally looks like Ironman with his jet stream behind him from a distance. There’s so much more I’ll do a whole other post on.

Of course: “I love Led Zeplin!” Hahaha it’s such a kid thing to say! I’ve said it before I knew the big differences between AC/DC and Led Zeplin. It was so freaking perfect.

Peter making his suit and Happy’s face. Bittersweet and I live for the affection he holds for Peter now.

The Netherlands Holding cell...must I say more?

Brad’s downfall and MJs amazing comment about him taking pictures of people in the bathroom. Ep-ic. Even flash was like “bro that’s so weird”

Mr. witchcraft was hilarious and I loved his aside with Brad “I’m gonna be the cool teacher and tell you you can’t do that anymore.”

Flash is definately Gay or Bi and I’m so here for it. That wink he makes to Peter proves it.

All the near death truths in the vault of the tower.

MJ BADDASS COMES SWINGING WITH THE MACE AND IT WAS LEGINDARY OH MY GOD! YES GIRL! She’s my idol I love her so much.

Peter and his “Peter Tingle” And while we’re on the subject the banana he gets to the face while packing.

Important. His amazing skills at the end trusting his instincts (which is great because May says in regards to MJ, but it applies to this too) May tells Peter to trust his instincts and don’t think too much. And that’s what he does when he defeats Beck.

The bad ass “you can’t fool me anymore” after redirecting the gun away from his head at the end. Literally was so intense and well done.

Peter and MJ’s kisses! I loved how awkward it was at first and the slightly less awkward one. They really accurately captured the awkwardness of teenagers in love. Like that’s what it’s like guys.

Show me MJ’s parents you cowards, or show me something. Anything. I just want to know the nature of the situation.

Ned and Betty’s breakup. So funny and honestly not surprising at all. But still I ship them.

The hand hold. So cute.

May and Peter still being the cutest aunt and nephew duo there ever was.

I totally thought Peter was going to end with telling the world he was spiderman....BUT SOME OTHER ASSHOLES DID IT FOR HIM AND MADE HIM INTO A VILLAN AND IM PISSED. LOOKING AT YOU MR JAMESON YOU PEICE OF SHIT.

The movie ended and I have no idea what’s next.

Mid credit of MJ swinging through New York. Home girl doesn’t like and neither do I. Looks full on terrifying we don’t blame you hun.

After credit where the skrulls have been playing Maria and Nick fury for the whole movie. Honestly it made more sense because Nick fury seemed just a bit off. ALSO WHERE IS THE REAL NICK FURY at and I’m so psyched to see where this new movies are gonna go!

Alright that all for now folks!!!! Everything about the movie was great!!! I will have to watch again ad see if anything more pops up. Sorry for any spelling errors I’m on my phone.

#peter parker #marvel #spiderman #mcu #michelle jones #spideychelle #spider-man #spider-man: homecoming #avengers #tony stark #ned leeds #spiderman far from home #spider man: far from home #far from home spoilers #spoilers

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dyingwill · 4 years

Note

hii I was wondering if I could get a poly for hibari and tsuna? I love your writings so much!! Keep up the good work 💕

this 100% turned into a fleshed out fic with reader backstory and not headcanons so ,, idk enjoy, i guess? this very quickly became one of my favourite pieces as i was writing it, so if anyone wants an au or extra content of this au, hmu with your requests.

ALSO ALSO, join the khr 2020 big bang @ khrbb

warnings / notes: death tw (but not a canon character), survivor’s guilt tw, panic attack tw, reader is bisexual, implied biphobia.

They’re both hard to get to know. Hibari, obviously, in the sense that he distances himself from everyone, and the handful of people he interacts with has to tick this mental rubric of standards or else he deems them unworthy of his time.

Tsuna, on the other hand, is so awkward and anxiety-inducing, with friends so loyal that it’s impossible to get to know him without also getting to know his friends. It’s in the act of getting to know Tsuna that you realise how lovable he is. There’s a warmth to him, pulling people into his orbit without even knowing it, and one day you just realise―oh, you like him.

But it’s in this same orbit that you see that it’d be improbable that you’re the only one that likes him. Kyoko’s the school’s idol, the prettiest girl in class and no matter how much she insists she’s friends with everyone, there’s no way that Tsuna himself doesn’t have a crush on her. And technically, you don’t blame him. Then there’s Yamamoto himself, who’s the captain of the baseball team, surrounded by so many people willing to be his friend and more. And yet, all Yamamoto is interested in doing is hanging out with Tsuna and their shared friends.

Maybe you can at least find comfort in the fact that Hibari is the only person that seems to not care, but that’s mostly due to the fact that he rarely cares about the social lives of Namimori students.

But it’s cute, you think, that this group of people have made bonds so deep. There’s always the feeling that you’re missing out on something in the times that you hang out with them; like they’re keeping something from you. You brush it off as how long they’ve been friends for; it’s no secret that Tsuna is still one of the most unpopular kids, despite the people he surrounds himself with. There’s bound to be inside jokes or friendships that you can’t even begin to broach, seeing as you haven’t known him for as long as they have.

Kyoko, with her open and kind heart, consistently makes sure she keeps you near her whenever you hang out with the group; looping her arm through yours as you walk together, sitting next to you, involving you in conversations to make sure you’re not left out.

Tsuna and Hibari have some kind of understanding; it can’t really be called a friendship, can it? Hibari respects Tsuna’s strength; Tsuna basically idolises and is intimidated by Hibari’s power. And really, who can blame him?

You have no idea when it started, but Hibari calls Tsuna ‘little animal’. Everyone knows that Hibari is fond of his animal-like categorisation for people―herbivores or carnivores. And yet, Tsuna is the only one that gets the little animal nickname.

And, well, Hibari is especially fond of little animals, as seen by his tenderness for Hibird so you don’t think it’s too surprising that you come to the realisation that maybe Hibari could have a crush on Tsuna.

God, if Hibari’s the one that has a crush on Tsuna, you know you should nip your feelings right now. There is no way that you could even compete. Not that you were ever a candidate in Tsuna’s eyes, you think.

So you spend your time burying your feelings and trying to get Hibari and Tsuna together. You’ve built enough of a rapport with Tsuna that it’s not unusual for you to hang out with Tsuna or talk to him on your own. You notice that whenever you want to talk with Tsuna, Kyoko gives you a bright smile and shepherds Gokudera and Yamamoto away with Ryohei’s help.

Tsuna’s almost always a flustered mess whenever you ask about Hibari, and that brings you to the conclusion that they both have crushes on each other. Your plan will probably crawl at a snail’s pace, but you think it’d be worth it in the end.

Tsuna, on the other hand, has the realisation that you’re the one that likes Hibari. For weeks, now, you’ve hung out with Tsuna. He appreciates how open you’ve been compared to how shy you were when you started hanging out with them, but you spend a lot of the time trying to redirect his attention to Hibari. So then, Tsuna, being the good friend that he is, conjures up a plan to get you and Hibari together. He seeks out Yamamoto’s and Kyoko’s advice, keeping the situation hypothetical and vague, seeing as he doesn’t want to accidentally embarrass you if you’re not ready to confess.

With the both of you running two separate plans and involving Hibari, it doesn’t take him long to figure out something is afoot. He doesn’t know the specifics, but the amount of times a flustered Tsuna appears and rambles through his invitation to hang out with the group at lunch is enough to make Hibari show up uninvited, if only to spare Tsuna the constant blustering. Tsuna gets a relieved smile every time he sees Hibari, and you tell yourself that feeling in your chest is happiness―you should be happy that Tsuna is happy.

In the very least, the beginnings of the plan are awkward. You make plans to meet up with Tsuna outside of school and (not so) subtly ask about Hibari. Tsuna readily agrees to ask Hibari if he has any time to spare. Hibari outright refuses the first couple of times, and while Tsuna almost resorts to begging, the first couple of outings are just you and Tsuna. You could almost convince yourself that you’re dating, if not for the constant reminder that this boy you have a crush on does not like you.

It’s after the seventh or eighth time that Tsuna asks that he suggest you try asking Hibari. After all, Tsuna is very much getting a negative response. So you do.

“Come on. Please? It’ll make Tsuna very happy,” you say.

“Why do you care about Tsunayoshi?”

You shrug. “We’re all friends. Plus, the two of you are really important to each other, right?”

Hibari narrows his eyes at you as soon as important comes up, but you keep up that clueless, innocent act. “Fine,” he huffs.

You smile at him. “Thank you!” You end up getting his number in your phone so you can text him the details of the meetup. You’re quick to also send his contact details to Tsuna.

The first couple of actual three-people meetup is… well. Clumsy. Hibari had shown up because he was invited. Tsuna is a very non-sociable person, only because he spent most of his childhood running from people rather than befriending them. You try, at the very least. But you’re not Yamamoto or Kyoko, so you don’t have an ability to put everyone at ease and make social interactions a not-awkward thing.

After you establish a routine of going out with the two of them over the weekends, you finally send them a text in your group chat telling them that you’ll have to miss out on one of your planned meetups because you’re sick. It’s been long enough that they two of them should be able to get along, you think.

Instead, the two of them show up at your place and you tell your mother to tell them that you’re sick and should remain resting. It’s not hard to convince her that you’re not feeling well, seeing as there’s something twisting in your stomach, your face not quite ready to pretend to smile.

When you show up to school on Monday, Tsuna is quick to shove homemade soup in your hands, red-faced as he tells you Nana made it when he told her that you were sick. He’s glad you’re feeling well enough to show up to school.

Hibari, on the other hand, tells you that if you’re still sick, you should take the day off, seeing as he doesn’t want the rest of the students to get sick and deal with mass absences.

“That… wasn’t very nice,” Tsuna says.

“It wasn’t supposed to be.”

You laugh at them. “Thank you,” you tell them both. “We should share the soup.”

Tsuna looks like he’s about to interject, so you pull your best begging eyes.

“Please? I don’t think I can finish this all anyway.”

Tsuna gets red but agrees. “We probably can’t go up to the roof, though,” he mumbles.

You’re about to ask why when you remember you’re supposed to be sick. “We can eat in Hibari’s office, then.” You turn to him.

Hibari says nothing, opting to head for the office that he’s claimed for himself. It’s when he’s stopped by the end of the hallway, looking over his shoulder to the both of you that you realise he’s waiting for you to follow him. Grinning, you grab Tsuna’s wrist and follow Hibari.

It’s around here that you’ve realised you’re in trouble. Somewhere, in the middle of your plan to get Tsuna and Hibari together, you’ve managed to not only fail to bury your feelings for Tsuna, you’ve also developed feelings for Hibari.

You want to see your plan through, but on the other hand, you don’t want to deal with this. The decision is taken out of your hands, really, when your parents decide to move out of Namimori. It’s over the school break―your mother got a new job closer to the city. There’s a part of you that knows your parents had always wanted to move, but you forgot about it. You send a text to everyone, letting them know that you’ll have to leave.

Tsuna’s the one that suggests one last meeting the day before you leave―a mini-picnic under a tree. Hibari doesn’t come, and some part of you is disappointed. Tsuna looks so too, seeing as he frowns at his phone at regular intervals. Another part of you knows that Hibari would avoid crowds.

Amidst the goodbyes of everyone promising they’ll keep in touch despite the distance, you feel like you could fool yourself into thinking that it’s just a regular day where you’re hanging out, until you try to direct your gaze to quiet areas, looking for a lone figure to give him a smile; a teasing look; something to remind him that despite his distance, you haven’t forgotten he’s here.

It’s when the picnic is wrapping up and most of the others head off, when the sun is setting that Hibari comes.

“I told you to stop texting me, little animal,” Hibari says.

Tsuna, predictably, yelps in surprise, phone slipping out from clumsy fingers.

You can’t help the fond smile, still sat on the picnic blanket, watching the sky turn into a deep red.

“Sorry! I just didn’t want you to miss out!” Tsuna says, retrieving his phone.

The three of you spend a couple more hours together. After you’ve helped pack up the blanket into the basket, Tsuna insists on walking home together, and you can’t really find it in yourself to decline, wanting to soak up your time together. Tsuna’s the first house that you reach, and it’s when you see the mailbox that you’ve seen Yamamoto and Gokudera hang around so many times before that you realise this might be the last time you see this―see him.

“Wait,” you say, and you instinct grab onto his wrist. Hibari’s standing further away, back turned towards the two of you.

Even in the soft glow of the streetlamp, you don’t see Tsuna blush. “Yeah?”

You slide your hand down his wrist, intertwining your fingers. “I’m glad we were friends,” you tell him, smiling, despite feeling like crying.

“I’m glad too,” he says. The fact that he looks like he’s about to cry as well makes you laugh a little, cheeks lifting up to squeeze unbidden tears out.

He reaches his other hand out to wipe them away, and you both draw close enough, looking at each other. Waiting, maybe.

“Goodbye, Tsuna,” you say.

Hibari walks you the rest of the way home.

“Thanks for walking me,” you tell him. You give him a hug, and one of his arms very gently comes up to your back. Like everything about Hibari, it feels comforting, like safety surrounds you.

It’s when you’re in the car heading out that you text Hibari: i think you and tsuna would be good together, btw

What? comes his reply.

i had a plan! i can’t really meddle anymore but do me a favour and at least don’t stop being friends with tsuna just because we can’t hang out anymore

Hibari’s icon tells you that he’s typing, but it disappears after a drawn out moment. This is the last time you text each other privately; he responds in the group chats with Tsuna there.

Your friendship with the others, including Tsuna, lasts a little longer. But despite the promise made by a group of highschoolers, you lose contact with all of them, eventually. Kyoko is the only one that occasionally checks in with you, and you with her.

―――

It’s been years. You’ve built a life away from childhood innocence. But it’s crumbled around you after a car accident; it’s been almost a month and you don’t think you can face the reminders in the city anymore.

You find yourself moving back to Namimori. There are bruises on your body that will fade in time, but the marks on your soul are there forever, you think. Guilt carves scars into your flesh; surgery completed to save you—you know that if you had even been remotely awake in the aftermath, you would have insisted the paramedics attend to your fiancée first.

It’s by chance that you even meet Tsuna again. You’re at the local supermarket, texting Kyoko to let her know that you’re back in Namimori when you literally bump into him. The contents in your shopping basket jostle against each other.

“Oh no, are you okay?” you ask. “I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

“I’m―okay. It’s okay.”

“Sorry,” you say, hoping that your face isn’t red.

“It’s okay.”

You give an embarrassed smile, about to walk away in the hopes of ending the interaction so you can kick yourself for your awkwardness.

“Wait,” he says, almost reaching out to stop you, but refraining himself. His arm returns to his side, expression sheepish. “Are you―did you used to live here? Like, a long time ago?”

Your heart feels like it’s in your throat. “Yeah,” you answer, “I did. I went to Namimori High until senior year.”

“I don’t know if you remember but I’m―”

“Of course I remember you, Tsuna.” And how could you not, with the warmth in his eyes at that fluffy hair that doesn’t seem to have gotten any tamer.

Tsuna looks a little surprised, like he hadn’t been expecting to hear his name coming out of your mouth. “Oh. I’m glad you remember.” He smiles at you, bright and disarming.

“I’m glad you remembered me too.”

You part ways, after he says you should meet up with everyone else. You agree, but you’re partly wary that it’ll be like that long forgotten high school promise.

Tsuna doesn’t forget. He makes plans with Kyoko and you find out that the group never really strayed too far from one another. There are a few people you haven’t seen before, like a man with dark blue hair and a woman with purple hair. The woman is quick to introduce herself as Chrome; the man as Mukuro, but the man himself remains quite distant from the others, despite the social gathering.

You’re standing a little to the side yourself, pretending to browse through the selection of snacks on the side-table when, “This party is supposed to be for you.”

You startle a little, looking to the side to see Hibari. Grinning a little, you laugh self-consciously. “Sorry. But hey, you’re here. Fairing a little better with crowds?”

“I still hate them,” he deadpans.

Your smile turns a little more genuine. “Good to know some things never change, no matter how long it’s been.”

He gives you a look you can’t really decipher, but you brush it off.

The next time you see them again is a couple weeks down the line, once you’ve resettled into life at Namimori. You’ve all been keeping regular contact, revitalising your old group chats with the others.

Once you feel like you’ve settled, you visit the city again. The only reason you come back is the cemetery; staring at the tombstone, placing flowers alongside bouquets that her family have already placed. Her family had shared nothing but condolences with you, but you felt this horrible twisting feeling inside, like you hadn’t deserved their pity and tears. You deserved condemnation, you think, because it should have been you.

You’re heading home, heading to the mall when you meet Tsuna, and it’s something in the tremulous smile you give him that makes him ask if you want to hang out with everyone else.

Home, instead of living with Nana, is a place he shares with his friends, now. Kyoko gives you the brightest smile and the biggest hug, and something about her kindness makes you tear up―despite her being the only one you talked to, you hadn’t told her about the car accident. And yet, here she was.

“It’s okay,” she whispers, cupping your face in her hands, dabbing at your tears with the ends of her sleeve. “You’re home.”

Tsuna keeps a hand to the small of your back, almost touching but not quite as he takes you around the house, giving you a tour and reintroducing you to everyone. You’re hit in the face of how much time has passed when you see Lambo and I-pin.

You meet the man in the suit who was at the party, and he looks at you so calculatingly; Reborn’s dark eyes makes you think he knows something, and it makes you uncomfortable being in his presence.

It’s later that night, when you’re not quite ready to go home and Tsuna isn’t quite ready to let you go either. You’re both sitting on the couch, your head resting on his shoulder, eyes starting to droop despite the television playing in front of you.

You manage to fall asleep, and the injection of Hibari’s voice in the quiet atmosphere makes you stir a little. You keep your eyes closed, figuring out that you’re now laying on your side, head in Tsuna’s lap. His fingers are in your hair, playing with the strands.

He murmurs something to Hibari, and you hear him draw closer, fingers brushing over the blanket that’s covering your legs. “Did you say anything about…?”

Tsuna sighs, fingers tightening in your hair. “Not yet.”

“When will you?”

“Does it have to be me?”

“You expect me to talk?”

Tsuna chuckles softly. “Fair point. Wait, are you going to bed?”

Hibari hums. “I’m tired.”

“C’mere.” There’s a rustling of fabric, a silence, then a quiet, “Good night, Kyoya.”

“Good night, little animal.” His voice is so close to where Tsuna is.

You forget about this interaction, because the next time you wake up, it’s early morning and you’ve somehow appropriated Tsuna’s personal space, lying on top of him. You try to move off but Tsuna’s arm tightens around you, mumbling something and turning the both of you so you’re pressed between the back of the couch and him, face buried in your neck as he breathes.

You wake up again to an empty couch, the blanket tucked around you. Kyoko’s the first to notice that you’re awake, and she tells you that she already went and bought basic toiletries for you in the main bathroom. “You can stay here if you want,” she says. “It’s Tsuna’s place but everyone basically lives here now.” She shows you the bathroom, lending you someone’s clothes she’s grabbed from one of the rooms.

You’re back in the kitchen when you’re reminded of Hibari’s and Tsuna’s interaction last night; Tsuna has his face pressed into Hibari’s back, whining his displeasure and Hibari doesn’t look anywhere near annoyed. Instead, Hibari takes a mug of coffee that Gokudera has placed down on the counter, turning to give it to Tsuna.

“Thanks,” Tsuna mumbles, wincing slightly when Hibari threads his fingers through Tsuna’s hair, tugging.

You smile at the sight of them, because there’s that younger self in you that had wondered if they ever did anything after you told Hibari. You turn your attention away before you get caught by either of them, graciously accepting another coffee that Gokudera gives you.

“Do you have any plans?” Kyoko asks.

You don’t, not right now, but you find that you don’t want to let yourself have this small piece of happiness. It’s not what you deserve. “I have to get home,” you say.

“Do you need a ride? I can get my brother to take you.”

“Yeah,” Ryohei agrees from where he’s sitting by the counter, throwing a thumbs-up in your direction.

But you’ve already flinched at the mention of getting a ride, fingers automatically feeling the rings on your necklace, hidden under the shirt you’re wearing. “No, it’s okay,” you say, giving Kyoko a smile. “I can walk. Thank you, though.” Finding your coat and shoes by the front door, you leave.

In the next few days, you use your spare time alternating between your apartment and travelling to the cemetery. You rely solely on public transport, your fingers subconsciously playing with your rings for the duration of the ride. You’ve made it a routine before you cross paths with Hibari as you’re leaving your street to get to the bus stop. He keeps pace beside you.

“Are you following me?” you ask him.

“I’m patrolling.” But he stays next to you, waiting until the bus comes before he leaves. It becomes a pattern, then a habit, then you tell him that he’s allowed to wait for you at your apartment. He insists he’s only patrolling, but the next day, Tsuna’s the one that shows up at your front door, and when you make it past the block, Hibari joins the both of you.

You fall into another routine, and you find yourself spending more time at Tsuna’s place than your own. You realise Kyoko wasn’t kidding when she said that everyone else basically lived here too.

It’s almost a year later, on the day that should have been your wedding that you make it to the cemetery alone. You usually keep a schedule, going on the same time and the same day to keep the routine with Tsuna and Hibari. But today falls on a different day. It starts with showers, and some part of you wondered how your fiancée would have reacted to the dismal weather on a day that was supposed to be joyous. You don’t know how long you stay there for, talking to her like she is still your best friend, relaying every anxious thought, every insecurity, and fear for a future without her.

You get a call from Tsuna, asking where you are. “I’m out,” you answer.

“Are you ready to come home?”

“Yeah. I’ll be back in an hour. Maybe more.” You hear the rain fall harder.

“Where are you? I can come pick you up.”

“No.” Your heart stutters at the thought of getting into a car again. “I’m fine.”

“It’s raining,” he tries to reason.

“I’d have to wait for you to come, anyway,” you say. “It’d take longer.” You’re already leaving the gates. “I’m fine, Tsuna.”

When you get back, the rain’s picked up and Tsuna’s letting you know that he’s parked at the train station so you don’t have to take a bus. Everything in you wants to sneak away to the bus and tell him that you got his message when you were already on the road, but you get the feeling he’d know you lied, even if you weren’t face-to-face.

So you gather your nerves, and force a smile, “Thanks for picking me up.” You really do try, but it’s the first time you’ve been in a car, and you try to take solace in the fact that you’re not behind the wheel this time; that Tsuna is and you trust him and he’s safe and warm, but isn’t that what your fiancée thought of you?

Tsuna says your name, one of his hands reaching for yours, gripping the side of the seat you’re on, but as soon as he makes contact, you pull your hand away like you’ve been burned.

“Don’t,” you say, forcing your eyes to focus on the glove compartment. In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four. “Please just drive,” you manage in between your breaths.

You barely make it to Tsuna’s place. As soon as the car stops, you’re out, going through the front door. Pressing a hand to your lips, you toe off your shoes, trying to avoid brushing against people to head up the stairs to the guest room that’s essentially being turned into your room.

You take off your jacket, scrabbling at the scarf. Your breathing hastens when you struggle, feeling too shaky and confined and trapped and hot, despite the fact that you’re still wet from the rain outside.

You end up yanking the scarf over your head, thinking you hear it rip. You sit with your back against the foot of the bed, knees up. Five things you can see—the wall, the carpet, the window to the side; how many have you’ve numbered? Three? Four?

Start again—one, the wall; two, the window; three, the dresser.

It’s not working, you think, and you can’t even do something as simple as breathing right and God, it should’ve been you, it should’ve been you. You crawl to the bathroom, shedding your shirt. Raising yourself to your knees, you turn on the tap, adjusting it to cold water as you try to breathe with your head next to the stream of water. Tight grip adorn the edges of the sink.

Someone tries to touch you.

You brush them off, flinching to the side, away from the sink. “No, no, don’t touch me.”

Tsuna crouches in front of you, moving closer.

“Don’t. Just—” You move further away, until your back is against the bathtub, and your knees are to your chest again and your head against it. “Just stay there,” you say.

He doesn’t try to move closer, but he doesn’t leave either.

Under your breath, you go acknowledge your surroundings starting with five, ending it by assigning the coffee you had in the morning the one thing you can still taste.

Tsuna stays there, until your breathing calms down and your loosen your fingers and there are half-moons imprinted onto your palms.

“I’m sorry,” you say.

“Can you breathe?” he asks.

You lift your head, grabbing at the discarded shirt to wipe your tears and snot. “Yeah.”

“You should get some rest. You’re tired.” Tsuna slowly rises to his feet, hesitating. “Can I touch you?”

You nod, grabbing his outstretched hand when he offers and he pulls you up. He gently guides you out of the bathroom to the bed where he sits you down. “I’m sorry,” you repeat.

“Your pants are wet,” he says.

“It’s fine.”

“You’ll get sick if you sleep in it.”

So you take them off, folding it in half and placing it on the hand he reaches out. You move under the blankets, and Tsuna sits, his weight dipping the side of the bed.

“I’m sorry,” you say again.

“It’s okay,” he says, but you shake your head, feeling tears well in your eyes. Tsuna reaches out, but he hesitates, pulling his arm back and you feel even more horrible. “I’ll stay until you fall asleep,” he offers.

You swallow thickly, wiping the tears as you nod.

The next morning, the first thing you do when you groggily wake is touch the rings on your necklace. Except they’re not there—the chain isn’t either. You spring up, feeling under the pillows and blankets. Too involved in searching, you don’t notice the door open, nor the person walking in until a hand closes around your shoulder, stilling you.

Hibari moves his hand down to yours, flipping it over and dropping something in it. You look—the necklace.

“You broke the chain yesterday,” he says. “Tsuna took Lambo and I-pin to get a new one for you. He left it on the table.”

“Thank you.” You avoid his gaze, leaning your head forward as your clasp it around your neck, feeling the two rings between your thumb and forefinger and it settles on your chest. “Is… Tsuna okay?”

“Yes.” He pauses. “Are you?”

Drawing your knees closer to your chest, you pull the blankets up. “I think.”

“You’re cold.”

You look down at your arms, goosebumps rising on naked flesh. You went to bed almost naked; of course you’re cold. “I’m… gonna take a shower.” Because you distinctly remember your hair still damp with rainwater as you slept.

Hibari stands from the bed, letting you escape to the bathroom. When you come out again, he’s gone, but there’s new clothes already laid out for you. Once changed, you make sure the necklace is under your shirt and head downstairs. It’s quiet ambiance, despite the people still scattered around the kitchen.

Chrome slides a plate of fruits in your direction, and Gokudera places a mug of coffee next to it. Hibari swaps out the coffee for tea.

“Who’s going to drink the coffee, then?” Gokudera grouses.

“I don’t know. Find someone to drink it before Lambo does.”

Gokudera glares at Hibari with no heat behind his eyes, grabbing the now abandoned mug of coffee. “I try to do one nice thing,” he mutters.

“Thanks, Gokudera,” you say.

“No, not you. You’re fine. This one—” He jabs a finger into Hibari’s chest “—needs to learn some manners before I beat him up.”

“Something tells me you’ll beat him up anyway.” Yamamoto takes a grape from your plate.

“That’s not for you,” Chrome says, swatting his hand away too late.

You push the plate a little closer to Yamamoto in silent permission.

Yamamoto grins, sticking his tongue out at Chrome.

Chrome’s mouth falls open, rounding her gaze onto you. “This is betrayal. You’ve enabled him.”

“Ha! Takeshi thinks I can beat you up,” Gokudera says to Hibari.

“You can certainly try,” Tsuna butts in, leaning across the counter to grab at the spare coffee that Gokudera has.

“Oho,” Chrome nods, “now that’s betrayal.”

“Yeah, of course you’d be the first one to defend him.” Gokudera keeps the coffee away from Tsuna in retaliation.

“He doesn’t need defending,” Tsuna says.

“I don’t need defending,” Hibari says at the same time.

“It’s okay, Gokudera,” you console. “It’s only because they’re fucking.” Picking up your tea, you raise it to take a sip.

Chrome’s false surprise morphs into a real expression of shock, while Gokudera sputters. Yamamoto rests his head into the crook of his elbow on the counter and laughs, the sound muffled.

“I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a secret?” you ask, not at all apologetic as you compose your best neutral look, glancing between Tsuna and Hibari. You grab the plate of fruits with your other hand. “I’ve been here almost a year. I have eyes. And ears.” You scrunch your nose.

Yamamoto laughs louder. It’s his laughing that makes your composure break, not that it was very well structured to start with—Tsuna’s face is very very expressive and bewildered at this point. You chuckle, shuffling into the living room to settle onto the couch.

“Hey,” you greet Lambo, who’s sprawled over the furniture, blanket covering his body. “What’re we watching?”

Lambo scrambles for the remote, keeping it near him. “Dunno. Was just channel surfing. This looked interesting.”

You hum in agreement, popping a cubed mango in your mouth. “You want some?”

“No, thanks. I already ate.”

I-pin finds her way onto the couch, snuggling against you. “Hey,” you say softly, and she leans forward to place the fruits onto your lap so it’s in closer reach. “Both of you helped pick out my necklace, right?” you ask.

I-pin hums in answer.

“I really like it,” you say. “Thank you.”

“S’was just a chain,” Lambo says, cheek pushed into the arm of the couch. Like he’s remembered something, he sits up. “Hey, what were the rings for?”

“Lambo.” I-pin stretches her leg out to kick him.

“No, it’s okay,” you placate, running your fingers through her hair. Looking at Lambo, you smile gently, not wanting him to feel bad for asking. “I was engaged to someone. I was supposed to get married yesterday,” you tell him.

“What happened?” he asks, his voice a little softer now, leaning closer a little.

“There was a car accident. She didn’t make it out alive.”

I-pin tightens her arm around you. “I’m sorry,” she whispers.

Maybe it doesn’t erase all the pain, but just by volunteering a little bit of information, it makes it easier to breathe.

What you don’t know, is that Tsuna does his research into the grounding technique you used; he makes sure the other Guardians know so that they have the knowledge on hand in case you have an attack in their presence.

―――

You stir.

“Shh, it’s okay.” Tsuna’s placed you onto your bed, having decided to move you when you fell asleep on the couch. He leans away, about to leave but you reach, fingers barely grasping his stray ones but he stops like the touch is more than just brief contact.

“Stay,” you murmur, and you look at the door to see Hibari standing there. “You too.” Your flash of confidence dwindles in the silence, and you retract your hand back under the covers. “It’s fine—”

But Hibari’s wordlessly moving, closing the door to your room and Tsuna’s lifting the covers to let himself in. Hibari rounds the other side of the bed, tucking himself in behind you.

You breathe, slow, steadying, falling asleep with the comfort of them around you. When you next wake, Hibari’s arm is around your middle, puffs of hot air against the back of your neck; Tsuna’s face is tucked to your neck, his hair almost in your face, an arm lazing next to Hibari’s, hand splayed on the side of your thigh.

Hibari wakes—you feel him shift, pulling you closer, sliding his leg between yours. A part of you wonders if he’s forgotten where he is, and another part of you hopes he remembers and he doesn’t care anyway. He moves his hand to join Tsuna’s on your thigh, and yep, he remembers.

You feel your breath catch in your throat, heat flushing your face.

“Is this okay?” he asks, his voice throaty and low and hoarse and it shouldn’t do things to you but it does.

“Mm-hmm,” you answer, not trusting your voice. You feel his lips grin against the skin of your neck.

“Go back to sleep.”

“Don’t you have things to do?”

He hums in confirmation, but doesn’t move.

After this, the three of you start sleeping in the same bed more. Almost every night, they come into your room and you fold back the blankets for them. It doesn’t move much from lingering touches, heat left behind. You don’t know what to call it and they seem content to let whatever this is move at the pace that’s already been set.

―――

You’re at the hill, under the tree, a slowly setting sun painting the sky orange. It’s an outing between the three of you, reminiscent of the ones from high school.

“How’d you know?” Tsuna asks.

You play with the fraying edges of the blanket, laid on your back; Tsuna’s next to you, and Hibari’s next to him. “It was a feeling,” you say, “I got when I was with her.” You’ve been more free with the information about her, more open about talking about her now.

“What was it like?”

You chuckle, embarrassed. You sit up, shifting a little so your back is to them, curling your knees up like it’d make you smaller in your moment of vulnerability. “Like in high school,” you admit softly, “when it was the three of us. I didn’t know it was the same feeling until I was with her, but we weren’t—I’d already moved away and I thought…” You huff out a breath, hearing your voice become quieter. “I remember thinking that I didn’t want to lose her too.”

Hearing Tsuna shift to sit up, you hunch further, hugging your legs. He says your name, and you feel the heat of his body getting closer. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. When he places a hand on your shoulder, you unfurl your arms and he laces your fingers together.

“I still think it should have been me.”

And Tsuna knows, because accidents like this never leave people; he sees it in Gokudera and Chrome and now in you.

“Then you wouldn’t be here,” Hibari says from behind you.

You smile self-deprecatingly. If you were looking, you’d see the furrow between Tsuna’s brows because he’s well-acquaintanced with that expression. “Would you even know?” you ask. Drawing your hand away from Tsuna’s, you let your knees drop, maneuvering yourself to sit cross-legged instead. “Thirteen months ago we weren’t even talking,” you shrug. “And that’s okay. We both moved on, at that point. Maybe Kyoko would have known and that would have been it.”

“And your fiancée.”

“She had her family.”

“You don’t?”

You look down. “They—uh, my parents—they didn’t exactly like my dating choices when I was in university. I tried to come out to them—with my partner at the time and it didn’t work out. I didn’t even tell them I was getting married; and they still don’t know about the accident. I don’t even remember if she ever met them.”

Tsuna lets out a heavy exhalation and you look up at him. There’s sadness in his eyes and the sky is darkening; there’s guilt in yours. “C’mere,” he says, soft. He reaches for your hand and pulls you towards him and you go, letting him rearrange you on his lap, legs on either side of his waist as he rests your foreheads together. “None of this is your fault.”

You shake your head, fingers gripping the front of his shirt.

“And I know it’s selfish, but I’m glad you’re still here with us.” Tsuna cups your face with his hands. “Can we kiss you now?”

You blink, drawing back as much as you can with his hands still on your face. “What?”

“Can we kiss you now?” he says slowly.

You bring a widened gaze over Tsuna’s shoulder to Hibari. We, Tsuna said.

“Answer the question,” is all Hibari gives you, eyes dark and studious and hiding something predatory.

Tsuna snorts, one of his hands trailing down your neck, his thumb brushing against your jaw. He says your name as the question instead.

You look back at him, swallow thickly. You wet your lips and his eyes follow the quick movement. “Yes,” you breathe, leaning forward to press your lips together. How many times, you think, have you thought about this when you were in high school? When it was you were on the roof, when you had your picnics, when you were in Hibari’s office, pretending to be sick?

Tsuna’s the one to open his mouth, tongue and wet and heat and saliva; his fingers trailing, moving. One of his hands finds themselves under your shirt, thumb kneading flesh and you can’t help the gasp, shivering a little. Tsuna draws back, ducking his face into the crook of your neck, openmouthed kisses leaving goosebumps.

You barely have time to catch your breath, to look at Hibari’s direction before he too claims your lips. It’s like you’re overheating, caught between the two of them; Hibari doesn’t try to ease you into it, nipping slightly at your bottom lip while Tsuna’s other hand slips under your shirt, moving upwards to your chest. Your sharp intake of breath lets Hibari lick into your mouth, tongue pushing against yours. Hibari has a hand in your hair, tugging your head back.

The sound you make—Tsuna huffs a laugh against your ear, grazing your earlobe, making you shiver. It’s like he’s made it a mission to find every sensitive area on your body; his fingers are skating across the goosebumped skin of your chest, thumb brushing over a nipple, pausing just to take in your reaction.

Your legs tighten around Tsuna’s waist, Hibari swallowing aborted moans as he takes your air, thumb pressed against the pulse of your neck.

Hibari pulls back and you can’t stop the whine, trying to reach out to pull him back by the tie but Tsuna grabs ahold of your wrist to stop you.

“You whine more than Tsuna.” Hibari sounds amused.

You flush, leaning forward into Tsuna’s chest to hide your face.

Tsuna hums. “We should get back home,” he says.

Hibari stands, taking your hand and Tsuna lets your wrist go so Hibari can pull you up. You walk back in the night, both of them on either side.

#1827 #khr imagines #khr scenario #hibari kyoya #tsuna sawada #sawada tsunayoshi #tsunayoshi sawada #1827 x reader #katekyo hitman reborn #reborn!#khr #tsuna.#hibari.#polyship #anonymous

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combat-wombatus · 3 years

Note

uHm if you do these and if you want to do it I’d love a bnha matchup <3?

• my name is Aubri, I’m bi but prefer MHA boys tbh. I go by she/her, too.

• I’m a very Gryffindor person. (Sorry if you don’t know Harry Potter - 😖)

• I’m a June cancer, and I have ADHD and anxiety. My anxiety can be literally crippling somedays, but it’s gotten better overtime.

• I’m a bit of a class clown and usually just a clown 🤡 but that’s irrelevant. My teachers all hate me but like school-wise I do well so we have a love and mostly hate relationship 🤧

• I’m usually the ‘entertaining’ friend, in elementary the popular kids would invite me to play games with them because, “you’re funny” and it was like the biggest achievement ever 😭👍🏻 then they’d ignore me but that’s another therapy session

• I’m usually made fun of by people for being ‘weird’ and ‘insane’. Like all through elementary everyone thought I’d be a criminal when I grew up JUST BECAUSE I HAD UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - I hate it here 😐🦶🏻

• I’ve always been super into crime stories/true crime (where my anxiety comes from, I’m always worried about a pesky serial killer just killing me. It’s usually being kidnapped tho lmao) so I knew and still know like all these murder facts and sometimes I’d just randomly be like;

“Hey did you know it takes 12 hours and 2 days to dissolve a body in acid?”

“If you bury a dead deer over a dead body you buried deep in the ground, when police dogs sniff it and people dig they’ll just think it was the deer and won’t dig any farther.”

• So maybe people had a reason to be scared of me and think I’ll be a criminal someday, i dunno.

• I love love love reading and writing, and also debating. The things I’ve wanted to be when I grow up are basically: Dog shelter worker, actress, FBI agent, politician, and a writer. But usually I just want to do something that makes a positive impact on people. Like i wanted to be an FBI agent to solve crimes for people. I wanted to be a politican so I could actually help a lot of people. The entertainment industry also seemed like a way to make people happy. Idk, but then I decided I couldn’t be a politican at 10 because they were all corrupt and to be one I would have to be too. 😫🤌🏻 we love some good childhood angst

• the only subjects I’ve ever excelled at are ELA and Social Studies aka History, and Math I can’t do to save my life. ELA comes easy for me and I usually don’t have to work that hard and/or get too stressed over it. But I always get the meanest teachers for some reason. For example, one time I did my final essay for like 30% of my grade in 30 minutes the day it was due and I got an A+ 🦟🦗🦟🦗

• Uhhh id describe myself as a pretty loyal friend, I’m a ride or die type of girl. A story from my childhood that summarizes it pretty well is when I was in 2nd grade my friend wet her pants and she didn’t want to go to the nurse for it alone so I peed my pants so I could go with her and she wouldn’t have to be alone. Like, you know, a professional problem solver

• and I have genuinely attacked people for fucking with my friends but don’t snitch pls 🕳🏃‍♀️💨

• But also just anyone, people at my school tend to come to me with their problems for me to either help solve them by reasoning, or just to confront the other person like the bad bleep I am 😈😈

• I also have a huge daydreaming problem, it’s literally maladaptive daydreaming. So paired with my ADHD I don’t get shit done like ever.

• I have really high empathy levels I guess, like I always say hi to everyone I see on the street, especially if they look sad 😔 I’ve done it ever since I was a little kiddo.

• My fashion sense is very much a preppy/alt style. I wear those ripped tights and fishnets, I also have the MOST BIZARRE JEWELRY- like who allowed me to buy the gummy worm glittery earrings, hmmm???????? and those Mary Janes???????

• But I love crew necks and pleated skirts so I always obide by the National “hoes dont get cold” policy 🇺🇸😫🦅

• I wanna move somewhere someday, I don’t want to stay in America for very long

• I can speak Latin, French, and my native language which is English.

• My music taste varies, but my all-time favorite artists who all of their music they’ve ever put out has been my favorites are, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, and Conan Gray.

• I no-joke have a sign in my front yard that says;

In ✍️ this ✍️ house we ✍️ don’t ✍️ worship Jesus ✍️ but instead ✍️ Melanie ✍️ Martinez

• My favorite shows are MHA (duh), The Promised Neverland, and Malcolm in The Middle.

• and I’m not going to tell you what I prefer in a partner, because that ruins the fun 😤

• but I will say I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t really make me laugh. Like I’m used to doing most of the talking in convos but if you’re just boring I’m sorry it’s nothing personal but no thanks 😐✌🏻

• About my physical appearance, I have fluffy n curly brown hair, but when it’s in the sunlight it looks sort of brown but golden yk?? It’s shoulder length :) I have bleach blonde streaks in the front. I like wearing eyeliner most days, too. I’m pretty average size/ on the skinnier side. Kinda high key inscure abt my body bc I got flat shamed in elementary EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TIDDIES NOW- whatever 😤🙄. I also have crystal type blue eyes, and I do have fairly big eyes. But, like, not weirdly big. A good big. My cheekbones are ALWAYS PRESENT so sometimes I get called a Tim Burton character but it’s cool ig ☠️☠️ oh and I’m kinda short. I’m 5’3, even though my doctor said I’d be 5’7. I feel like I was either tricked by the doctor or someone just stole my destined height while I was asleep. It’s probably cause I didn’t keep an eye out for Selener 👁 😔😔

• I’m a definite night owl, like all of my energy comes at night which really sucks cuz I can’t do much since everyone else is asleep.

• My love language is touch starved so I’ve never figured it out ✌🏻😗🔫

• but I am an attention whore so idk 😏

• I’m a huge introvert with social anxiety. It isn’t as bad as it used to be cuz I used to not be able to like go to restaurants but now I’m much better.

• I’m a huge history person, mostly like sad history LMFAO. Uh but a lot of my hyperfixations have been on history. Some examples are The Roman Empire, Julius Caesar himself, Anne Frank, The Titanic, the Black Plauge, Helen Keller, Marie Curie, Slavery in the US, Joan of Arc, and just a lot more. I always love talking about these things if someone would let me ramble to them but no one ever does 😖 it also got to a point where for all these subjects I’d go to the library and try to find a book on them but usually I’d either have already read it or I’d read it and know all the information.

• I’m super into Greek Mythology, I have 7 books filled with the stories, I’m going to Greece maybe this summer to see it’s history, and named my hamster Aphrodite but we call her Aphie. I also will talk about this forever and ever if you let me.

• My favorite color is yellow, my favorite food is literally nothing I never have an appetite, my favorite planet is Saturn, favorite song is Tag Your It by Melanie Martinez atm but it changes like everyday.

• Music is a huge safe-space for me if I’m feeling down or having a panic attack. It calms me down n is overall my coping mechanism 💃🏻💃🏻

• Biggest fear is spiders, even looking at one gives me a panic attack and I cannot sleep at all for that night, adding to my insomniac ass 🧎🏻‍♂️🏌️‍♀️

• I’m mature for my age, I don’t exactly like hanging around kids my age and I get along better with older crowds.

• i don’t like conventional dates, (I PROMISE IM NOT TRYING TO SOUND ‘QUIRKY’ AHAHA) I kind of like having a best-friend type partner more so dates that aren’t as romantic as like the movies or a fancy restaurant suite me better. My dream date is playing Monopoly on my bedroom floor 🦧

• Also I hate getting gifts. End of story. If someone gets me a gift like awe that’s nice but never again, I’d prefer to get you one. Especially in a romantic partner 😐 i keep a journal of my friends’ interests and hobbies so I can get them the perfect gifts for their bdays and Christmas’s. Been doing this ever since 4th grade.

• Though I don’t have much actual experience with relationships🧍🏻‍♀️

• I’m a huge believer in ‘family isn’t blood, it’s who you make it’ because I have a pretty shitty family life and my childhood has been trash. My friends are my family to me.

• Also if my friends don’t like my romantic partner ✨ GOODBYE ✨. Sorry girlie, bros before hoes 🦨💨

I was going to put more but I’m so so sorry for how LONG AND COMPLICATED THIS IS- idk if this is a autobiography or a matchup at this point 🤦‍♀️ don’t feel pressured to do this and if matchups aren’t open IM SO SO SORRY LMAO uh yeah ilysm 🦎🎂🧃

OMG ASLDFKJHASLKDJH

🥺 i’m so sorry bby but matchups are closed ;-; my 100 follower event was over while ago (i guess i should’ve specified that in the asks i answered LKSAJHFLKJAHDS SORRY IT’S MY BAD) but you sound so cool?? i had a lot of the same hyperfixations interests (heLLO helen keller was badass AF and the roman empire was messed up but still v cool, anne frank was awesome too) i also may or may not have wanted to be a politician when i was younger alskdjfhalkdhj but now i’m just 🧍🏻‍♀️ lost and anyways you’re amazing >.< love u lots and don’t forget to drink water and eat a lil something hehe :p

#coco answers #nonnie <3

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geekkatsblog · 4 years

Text

Grey’s Anatomy season 16x18 review (I am so confused.)

This episode was resting in the middle of boring but with some huge plot twists involved.

Let’s start with the most confusing/biggest plot twist of the episode.

________________________________________________________________

Deluca

Finally had his break down, or did he? On one hand I did think that the girl was extremely nervous and looked at her aunt for every answer. I found that odd but as a person with anxiety I can understand having someone do it for you. But when he started talking about the trafficking thing I was shook, but then he started pushing his theory on everyone and re arranging a very lovely schedule to follow his theory of the girl being in a sex trafficking ring, and I was like Deluca has gone off, the moment with them circling him to detain him was so heartbreaking the look of confusion on his face and him begging them to believe him, and his sister Carina crying for him to calm down you could visibly see the concern and pain on her face and then Deluca finally went with the guards and quit his job only for Meredith to talk him out of it by promising to call the authorities to check out the case. (The ending though left me confused not only because they just let him walk out of the hospital after having a ‘mental breakdown’ but his theory was RIGHT??? now I really hope not because that would cause drama because not only would the hospital be in trouble for letting them leave but Deluca would thing that he’s fine and carry on the way he is. He may have been right but he is definitely having issues other wise. I really hop that some one helps him soon or we’re going to have a Deluca accident on our hands. (It has been a while since one of the more important characters has had an accident.

________________________________________________________________

Teddy/Owen/Koracick (Thank God for small mercies that Amelia and Link were able to step out of that mess.)

First thing first, I’m so proud of Tom for turning Teddy down and telling her to go back to Owen he crushed me at the point when he said he’d be fine because it means he’ll be fine alone like he always is.(When are they going to let him into their club.) It’s for the best and my boy Tom though, so can move on to better things, there’s more fish in the sea honey. provided that he isn’t arrested for fraud. He told Teddy to go home to her fiance and kids and plan her wedding, You go Tom.

I do not know what is going on with Teddy, she really is shocking me, her anger with Amelia is unfounded in my opinion, It would have been different if she was single, but she was dating Link and in the end the person she was in the relationship should know first, and she was trying to get the situation under ,control and her knowing about Amelia’s paternity issue is not at fault for her cheating. The idea had to be in her head for a while and she just too the first excuse and ran with it.

Tom did her a favor telling her go to Owen. She has been in love with him and fought for him since the beginning, now that she has him she’s ruining it. But however this has to be the most serious and relatable love triangle we’ve seen on Grey’s, usually they’re flirty, sexual and immature but in this one you can see how torn Teddy is, she’s in love with Tom and how good he makes her feel but is in love, is engaged and has two kids with Owen, (who is actually being a pretty good partner for once in a relationship.) For the first time since the Derek/ Finn/ Meredith love triangle I’m interested in seeing what happens. In the end when she wanted to tell him the truth I actually felt sorry you could see the guilt and confliction on her face. She really in love with both men.

________________________________________________________________

Levi/ Nico

I think out of all of the things of Grey’s this one upset me the most. I don’t understand what happened. How did Nico do a whole 180 turn in like half a season. I loved their relationship. One of the only ones who had fun conversations instead of just arguing and sex, but now Nico has decided he wants that for them and not even the arguing just the sex. I would have never guessed he would have gotten like this he was so sweet. But nope he literally broke up with Levi because Levi wanted to be able to share his opinion in a relationship which is definitely an important part of any relationship. Then he applied for a job that he’s going to be away for at least 6 months a year and didn’t even think to discuss it with Levi. That’s crap a decision like that would affect the person you’re in a relationship with and you should at least discuss it with them even if you do still take the job. (I remember in season 8 Ben and Bailey had a similar problem when he applied to be a surgical intern an didn’t tell her and they had a conversation just like the one Levi and Nico needs to have.) Quite honestly right now their relationship is looking quite one sided an Helm was right. Levi deserves better. They basically broke up in this episode and I’m sad because I really was pulling for them.

Levi’s living arrangements were unexpected but I’m glad he’s leaving his mom’s basement and Nico’s apartment. It’s time for him to be more on his own, he needs to be able to stand up for himself instead of being the cute puppy who gets kicked around.

________________________________________________________________

My poor baby, she seems so confused and hurt right now. She sleeps on her couch instead of the bed and is just flat out depressed I feel so sorry for her and now that Link’s a dad and won’t be around as much as used to be and Deluca is out for sure right now so I guess her and Levi are going to be friends right now and I hope they are only going to be friends because they’re relationship was toxic from the beginning she used him and then treated him like crap (Still does from time to time.) Friends sure, because it really does look like he needs someone and right now so does she but nothing else. The scared me with Jackson asking her out to the game for a moment I thought they were going to be a thing but we dodged that bullet I guess. I hope she can find a last name as well because it hurt to see her trying to define herself. Looking forward to seeing what name she’s going to choose .

________________________________________________________________

Link/Amelia

Finally able to return to baby bliss. They are so adorable, and they better be end game. Amelia has had enough relationship problems. It’s time for her to get a break from the drama and have some peace. I’m just so happy she and Link are back together. He gave up his dream job for her and his baby and she was willing to make it work so he could pursue it. with some better communication I think they can be Grey’s second power couple (Fingers and toes crossed.)

________________________________________________________________

Jackson

Just broke up with Vic and so he has an extra ticket for a basket ball game, was blown off by Ben as well and offered it to almost everyone he saw but Koracick. I wanted him to end up having to ask him maybe he would notice that Tom isn’t actually a douche and Tom could actually have a friend (who is going to hurt him by having an affair with him and may go back to her fiance and kids) but as usual in order to paint him out as the worst person ever Jackson refused to ask him which leaves room for my wish that Bailey would be his person. Then he asked Dr Haynes, I wished that he had gone with him because he’s yet another doctor who’s outside the club and that would have been the perfect time to gain the acceptance. Him asking Richard thought was perfect, he needs some one right now and he was kind of like a father to Jackson so it’s good to see that they can still spend time together without Catherine.

Right now Jackson is just living his life carrying on the teachings of Mark Sloan.

(Where’s Harriet though? We haven’t seen her in 2 years, I know she’s with April But She doesn’t visit either)

_______________________________________________________________

Richard

Is on his way to sell his path’s pen seeing that he can’t do surgery anymore. I hope he gets through, at this point I feel like the chances of him getting back with Catherine is very slim, I’m glad to see that him and Maggie’s relationship is stronger than ever and Jackson took him out for the night and Bailey and Meredith will always be there for him So I hope that he knows that he has support and people who love him.

_______________________________________________________________

Meredith

Didn’t actually have much plot besides planning the event and then solving it. Her helping Deluca was good. I don’t think her getting back into something with him would be a good thing. I’ve been wondering if his illness was even what caused him to push into a relationship with her.

Either way she planned the surgeries, then had to save the surgeries by accepting Koracicks fraud money. (She wouldn’t be Meredith Grey if she didn’t tbh, anytime there’s a storm coming Meredith Grey is going to be in it.) Delt with some disgruntled patients, Spoke to Dr Haynes and saved some lies.

_______________________________________________________________

Bailey

Winning the Grey’s relationship game as usual, had to pull Deluca from attacking a patient and allowed him to leave alone after the meltdown and saved lives.

________________________________________________________________

Maggie

Spoke to Richard and that was about it, but her time is coming next week, based on the promo. (You get it hun.)

________________________________________________________________

Notes/ Questions

Was that girl really in a trafficking ring?????? (She had the hair like the woman, but that’s easy to fake but she also had a good cover story, and the girl ran to her when Deluca was having his melt down but the way that woman pulled her away at the end Idk. hope it isn’t bring confusion to Grey Sloan.

Is Deluca going to get the help he needs before he gets hurt or ends up in more problems?

Is Richard going to be ok? or is he going to have a relapse? Will he and Catherine get back together?

What’s going to happen to my baby Jo? And what will she call herself now?

Is Tom going to be in trouble? what he did was illegal even if for a good cause. And is Meredith going to be involved if he should go down? She did accept the money

Are Levi and Nico officially over? Will Nico take the job or choose Levi?

And last but not least What the hell is going to Happen to the Teddy/ Owen / Koracick triangle. Will she finally confess?

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unboundbnha · 4 years

Text

hoooo my god. this is for ME

for me. for godzilla. :’)

➤ rules; make headcanons of you and a character of your choice, be it sfw or nsfw.

Thank you so much for tagging me @spicyness! I’m gonna SKAJHDSKJ. HHHHH. This is everything? Fuck I just want a purple boyfriend 😫 this will be about Shinsou because I like him a normal amount :-)

First off, I’m a pain in the ass. My sense of humor is wack (it’s basically just ‘annoy my friends and loved ones’), I’m always fricken TANKING The Mood (because it’s funny and I physically cannot resist making a Funny if the opportunity’s there), everything turns into a game unless you make me stop wink wonk. Shinsou seems like the type to snort in amusement and roll his eyes at my dumb antics, and I appreciate that! If I could make him legit laugh I’d die happy. (I am also emotionally savvy enough to know when to draw the line though, don’t worry. It’s just, man, my idea of fun is ‘LET’S ROAST ‘EM’)

I love cats. I’ll lose my whole mind over them. They NEED head kisses. Shinsou also likes cats. He also needs head kisses. That’s it, that’s the bullet point

Being open and honest and genuine is important to me. I believe most any relationship (friendship or otherwise) can work if you’re willing to communicate and empathize with the other person: I would 100% be willing to hear Shinsou’s shit, and he seems like he’d be a good listener too. I’m also good at logicking things through and he seems like he’d appreciate that. Likewise, he seems like he’d do the same for me, and as long as we stayed humble and weren’t looking to be offended (I don’t Do That -- he’s a Cancer -- love you, Cancers -- so it might take him a minute to get on the same page, but he’s emotionally smort and cares about me so I think he’d be willing to work at it) then we could help each other through emotionally hard stuff with hard truths. Plus, I’m a super honest person: if he was in a relationship with me he’d probably be pretty secure in knowing I wouldn’t hurt him on purpose. If past shit comes up with him, I’ll talk to him. Talking’s the good shit, y’all: utilize patience and empathy and you’ll be so well off!

I also battle, with a big fucking sword, a lot with mental health stuff (LMAOOOO WHO DON’T!!! YEET). I used to struggle with agoraphobia and still deal with anxiety and depression. On top of that, I have something like chronic fatigue -- I’ve been calling it chronic fatigue because I’m fucking tired, all the time. My top energy levels are like a 35% on a fantastic day. I really like the idea of this boye seeing me melting into a puddle, face down on the carpet, and bein like “how’s it going down there? you okay?” and the answer being obviously no, but him just like. Man I dunno. He seems like the kind of person who’s tired, but who can live with it. I can’t! When I’m tired, that’s it babes! I hit a 0% on my battery and I’ll collapse! So I just, hhhh. Don’t laugh, but I like to fantasize about him bundling me up and into bed. Thinkin’ about Birthday Snoot by my good friend @lord-explosion-baku and melting, okay?? OKAY???? I’m soft, the truth’s OUT, FUCK! I want to be taken care of like a sad but pampered cat.

(Please read Birthday Snoot I still cry over it)

Also I’m gross and struggle to shower often enough because it’s exhausting so bein given a gentle bath? oh MAN. Hands softly running through my stupid, terrible hair...asking me about my day and if anything happened that triggered me feeling this bad...just....the tenderness....the gentle affection.....being loved even when I’m at my lowest. Being cared for when I can’t do it myself. That’s a legit fantasy y’all. We out here!

I love to SNOOZE. I love being COZY. You bet your sweet bippy I’m gonna sprawl over a couch and take up the whole thing. Shinsou’d better be willing to snuggle the fuck up. I’ve got great squish which I personally feel like’s great for cuddling: I’m like warm taffy. How better to gently seep into every crevasse of your Favorite Person while enjoying a cozy cuddle?

Listen, everyone fucks hard with Shinsou calling his S/O ‘kitten’, and I agree (def have written leetle -- HOO -- leetle scenarios with that nickname because wow) but I get all wibbly with the idea of He calling me ‘Angel’. A joke at first because, like, guys, I’m really nice. (I know it sounds bad when people say they’re nice and LSDFLKJDF I AM, OKAY. I’ve worked on it. Cultivated the skill of kindness! Being kind isn’t easy, and sometimes you just wanna go apeshit, but I’ve worked hard to improve upon myself! Yeet!) But I also just really fucking love being annoying. I simply cannot resist the urge to sneak up behind someone and poke them in the ribs. I rib-poke while in the deep depths of making out too, I’ve tanked the mood a lot so picture my dumb ass Pink Panther’ing behind Shinsou, prepared to be Evil while he’s, idk, making breakfast or something, and before I can commit a Rib Crime he uses his hero training and fast reflexes and honed senses and all that good stuff to snatch my wrist and ask “what’re you up to, angel?” the answer is nothing, because he’s killed me by being sexy and fast and hero-y, and he’s probably actually killed me by startling me into collapsing like a fainting goat

He gets the deep stuff. Unfortunately for everyone and especially myself, I’m a Thinker with a capital T: it never fucking stops. I had an existential crisis for like three years in a row because of course, but I feel like he knows what it’s like to get lost in your head. Working each other out of panic attacks because holy jesus the universe sure is fucking huge huh? We’re not even a blip on the radar in the history of existence and we’re gonna be dead basically tomorrow aaaand that’s why we’d be good for each other, because I feel like we both have coping mechanisms that keep us from spiraling too bad, and we could share them with each other.

I also so fucking admire his drive, but it makes me angry that stupid fucking hero society would discriminate in the first place.

Oh, yeah, that’s another good point: I’m hella mad about 98% of the time and I work hard to hide it! Because innocent people don’t deserve to get yelled at! I feel like Shinsou’s smart enough to sense when I’m about to pop and he can be like “heyyyyy...you wanna talk this out constructively instead of getting into a public brawl?” and I’ll be like “NO but I’ll do it for you because I love you” and then we get pizza.

Because I’m fine and balanced and stuff, I made a quirk for myself if I was in the BNHA-verse, and basically I can get stronger at the expense of higher thinking skills and will turn into a weapon of mass destruction against whatever I’m pointing at (ugh, that’s so sexy. Fuck I wanna be a big spooky buff as shit monster thing), friend or foe, so Shinsou and I would work well in tandem because if I got too rowdy he could use his quirk and get me to calm down! Keep me from accidentally doing a murder! Nice!

Okay this is nsfw so if you’re under 18 DON’T READ IT. I’LL CALL YOUR PARENTS. GET OFF MY BLOG.

Relating to the point above, QUIRKPLAY. Mind control me into stuff I want to do but am too awkward to ask for, please and THANK you. Also, Shinsou’s a top. Gotta be, and thank god for it because I’m certainly not. I’m not happy about being a fucking bottom, because my first and most powerful personalty trait is ‘be as annoying as possible to the people you like; don’t let them tell you what to do.’ Can’t make it easy on myself, nope. Anyway, I want the appearance of being a top without the responsibility because damn, gotta be like, suave and shit. Gotta plan stuff. I don’t like that! I do that enough in real life and I don’t like it there, either! But whatever. I’m a brat and I feel betrayed by my coochie for it. But Shinsou’s a top and he’d tease me for being Fucking Terrible, and suddenly I wouldn’t be so mad at my coochie. She has her reasons.

I...like Shinsou for a lot of reasons, but a really big one, for sure, is that I feel like he can communicate about the important stuff. He likes to tease, but he knows when to be serious too. I’m really wack about being close and intimate with people and I have, hhh, special requirements to be able to sleep with them, and I feel like he’d both be able to respect AND honor that. Like, run through the rest of the BNHA boys with me here: would Bakugou be able to be completely cool, calm, and collected while still teasing, but knowing where to draw the line? Todoroki’s closer maybe, but he’s not as people-smart (which is also a big thing for me). Confidence (or at least the appearance of it when it’s important), respect, communication, listening and respecting what I ask for even if it seems wack -- Shinsou has that, and god is it attractive.

Also, mind control.

Also, his capture weapon.

Also you know this motherfucker is kinky as shit. Thank the good lord.

Also, sexy-slow makeouts with his long, nimble hands running up my outer thighs to squeeze my waist -- teeth on neck, stolen gasps of breath --

\\\\\\

I feel bad because all of this, fuckin, WALL of text is pretty much ‘this is what purble boy can do for me’ and I don’t say a lot I’d do for him, but if I got someone like him I’d go to the end of the earth for them. I may be a perpetually-sleepy bitch, but one of my best -- and worst -- character traits is my unwavering loyalty. I’ll be 110% down to kick anyone’s ass who insults him: he can fight his own battles, but he shouldn’t have to over some dumbass with a big mouth and a little brain. Making him smile and laugh, oof, be still my beating heart. Words of encouragement when life gets too much. Genuine thanks for his help, whatever it may be. Hugs, because we’re both touch-starved as fuck and he deserves gentleness, dammit. He doesn’t seem like his love language is receiving gifts -- more like quality time and words of affirmation? Maybe physical touch? -- but I’d still get him little things that made me think of him, that could help him in his day to day life or maybe just bring a smile to his face. We could rescue each other at social conventions, have dates to the humane society and play with cats. Support each other through our depression days, prove that even having a brain that’s mean to you sometimes doesn’t make you unlovable. Man, idk. The whole thing’s soft and makes my heart go doki-doki. Hitoshi Shinsou is an extremely good person and god damn I’d want to show him I appreciated him and existing at the same time as him. He deserves love and kindness. He deserves someone to kiss every knuckle of his hand. He deserves hugs in the kitchen and blankets being pulled over his shoulders when he falls asleep at the desk. He deserves only good things, and I’d be honored to give them to him.

HHHHH.

Okay! If you made it to the end of this, congratulations! You don’t actually get anything, but boy oh boy you have a lot of information about ME now! Aren’t you delighted? Heh. So! You tag people for this stuff, and I’m gonna tag @lord-explosion-baku, @bnhascribbles, @perpetual-bed-head, @russianonion, @weebsinstash, and last but certainly not least, @usernamekate94. Tell me about Monoma, Kate. Tell me.

#god this is a mess. anyway #I just! he's a good boy brent!!!! ;_;#self ship meme #author x character #I would feel embarrassed if I possessed the ability to feel embarrassed #I'm weak for one (1) man: so WHAT if he's fictional #I can daydream about giving him the hugs he deserves!!! AND I WILL

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thecoleopterawithana · 5 years

Note

Hello! I really adore your blog and all the work you put into it! It's well appriciated. Anyways, a real question - how do you feel about Paul and Jane's relationship? Because it confuses me on so many levels. I find it very hard to believe she didn't know about his many affairs while they were together, yet the public reason for their break up is his adultery with Francie who denied that (I mean who even reported that?). 1/3

The other thing that confuses me is the fact that he was writing basically break up songs (but I didn’t register a lot of love there tbh) back in 66 and they somehow managed to last until 68, even though they totally didn’t give the impression of a good match (her ambition and his desire for housewife/bachelor life) nor did they seem as if they loved each other very much (at least publically).

The last part of the question, are you aware of a love song he wrote for her? I know some people think Here There and Everywhere but her brother apparently disagrees. Anyways, these are just my feelings and idk if I am not under a wrong impression here or something. I also don’t want it to sound like I am theoretizing here about it being a cover up for mclennon - because I am not! I think of it more as a publicity stunt for publicity…

…(even though I think it evolved into that over the course of time and it began more like Paul showing off with this pretty actress he managed to woo). What do you think? Thank you for your answer and sorry for the lenght, haha! R. 😎

Hey there! Thank you so much for the ask and a million apologies for taking so long to answer! It’s just that I had no opinion to speak of, at the time.

I was just beginning to attempt getting a grasp on Paul– and to better comprehend my main interest of Lennon/McCartney– and hadn’t branched into the other people in his life yet. But to reach a true understanding, it is crucial to look at the full picture; and Jane was very much part of that picture, during a long and formative time!

Now, I must warn you that I’m nowhere near a Jane Asher connoisseur! This post comes with the disclaimer that I don’t feel adequately informed to answer it. But you asked, and it has been sitting in my inbox long enough, so… take my personal opinions for what they (always) are: honest (but probably flawed) attempts at understanding the emotional workings of human beings, based on the information available to me at the time.

But because I feel like there is more information out there that I just didn’t find in the targeted research for this post, I urge more knowledgeable fans to give their contributions and/or correct me if I make some factual mistake.

So, disclaimer given, here’s the actual answer:

I understand and empathize with your confusion regarding their relationship. I think it’s just a feeling that arises from the lack of information. After all, theirs was a relationship under intense public scrutiny from the very beginning, but whose actual inner workings were kept – through the effort of both parties – determinately private and personal. That’s always how Paul prefered it. And, effectively demonstrated by her resolute silence since, so has Jane.

The main feeling I get from Paul and Jane is that they were both incredibly similar people, who also had somewhat separate interests. And this seems to have been both what attracted them to one another, and what eventually made them grow apart.

Both of them were very socially adept; “good mixers”. Brian Sommerville (the Beatles’ publicity manager from 1963-1964) describes Jane as “a very sweet, extroverted girl […] bright, very conversational and full of fun”. This kind of sounds like Paul at his most gregarious.

They were incredibly intelligent. And if Jane was cultured and knowledgeable, Paul was intensely curious, and soon became cultured and knowledgeable himself. And Paul himself openly admits that he was always attracted to “intelligent and talented people”.

And we must acknowledge that the Asher’s lifestyle as a whole was something that captivated Paul (enough to have him literally move in with them as soon as he could). It had been instilled into him from early on, after all, this great appreciation for education and the drive to do better and rise out of his circumstances.

[My parents] aspired to a better life. That idea that we had to get out of here, we had to do better than this. This was okay for everyone else in the street but we could do better than this. She was always moving to what she saw as a better place to bring her kids up.

[…]

My parents aspired for us, very much indeed. That is one of the great things you can find in ordinary people. My mum wanted me to be a doctor. ‘My son the doctor’ - and her being a nurse, too. No problem there. And my dad, who left school at fourteen, would have loved me to be a great scientist, a great university graduate. I always feel grateful for that. I mean, God, I certainly fulfilled their aspirations, talk about overachieving! That was all bred into me, that.

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

People call Paul a “social climber” to demean him; and because the term is used to attack him, others defend him by saying his relationship with Jane had nothing to do with social climbing. But I don’t think this should be derogatory in the first place!

Paul was ambitious; he did want to gain a higher social status. Not because he felt that made him inherently better than others; he’d just been raised to feel a sense of responsibility for being the best that he could be, and not live in poverty anymore! And what’s wrong with that, I’d like to know?

All the Beatles wanted success, fame and status, so all of them were social climbers, in a sense.

So what if one of the things that attracted Paul to Jane was that she was educated and cultured? It seems like a perfectly valid reason to be genuinely into someone to me.

Of course, both of them were beautiful. As Tony Barrow (the Beatles’ press officer) put it: “There was something about seeing them together that was magical. With those two gorgeous faces and all that incredible charisma, they looked like a couple of Greek gods.” So the physical attraction was also obviously there.

And I don’t doubt that Paul was proud to have such a beautiful, talented and interesting person as a girlfriend, and might have felt like showing her off to friends. But I don’t think that lessens how enamoured they were with one another. If the whole relationship was being performed for outwards appreciation, I feel like there’d be a lot more performing going on. Instead, they never revealed more than they needed to, nor did they stop living to hide from the public eye.

If there publicity strategies to it, they never came from Brian Epstein himself, who actually thought that the Beatles having girlfriends was a marketing mistake:

There was a considerable difference of opinion over the Jane Asher situation. Brian made a terrible fuss about it, saying that it would offend the fans. But, in effect, Paul just told him to mind his own business. Brian was probably just being over-cautious, and Paul more far-sighted, knowing that that sort of thing didn’t matter. But at the time it was a textbook rule of publicity that the artist must appear single and available.

— Brian Sommerville, in Chris Salewicz’s McCartney (1986).

So the relationship wasn’t arranged as a publicity stunt. I feel like everything points to them just genuinely liking each other.

(And now just an honest question to those of you who’ve been longer in the fandom: is George’s relationship with Pattie Boyd also suspected to be a publicity stunt? Because I don’t know if this has just escaped my notice, or if this claim is something that afflicts only Paul and Jane specifically. And if so, why do you think that is?)

But going back to their similarities, both Jane and Paul were incredibly independent, self-assured and work-oriented. And I think it was the clash of their strong personalities that actually caused the bumps in the relationship.

Paul likes to be in control of himself and to some extent the environment around him. And he’d grown up in a society where it was acceptable for that to extend to his girlfriends.

John and I lusted after Brigitte Bardot in our teen yearsand tried to make our girlfriends look like her. […] I had a girlfriend called Dot, Dorothy Rohne, who was my steady girlfriend forquite a long time in Liverpool. She and John’s girlfriend, later wife, CynthiaPowell, came over to Hamburg and I remember buying her a leather skirt andencouraging her to grow her hair long so she’d look like Brigitte.

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

Jane, of course, wasn’t willing to be moulded so easily.

That’s typical Paul [wanting me to stay inside the George V Hotel with the band instead of going out by myself to see Paris]. It’s just so silly of me to stay at the hotel. It’s just that he’s so insecure. For instance, he keeps saying he’s not interested in the future, but he must be because he says it so often. The trouble is, he wants the fans’ adulation and mine too. He’s so selfish, it’s his biggest fault. He can’t see that my feelings for him are real and that the fans’ are fantasy. Of course, it’s the trouble with all boys.

—Jane Asher, c/o Michael Braun, Love Me Do!: The Beatles’ Progress. (1964)

This little passage shows us Jane’s insights into the “darker” sides of Paul’s character that other’s wouldn’t often see. His insecurities: fear that Jane would betray him, anxieties about the future and his need to be liked. And this level of understanding shows either an incredible perceptiveness and emotional intelligence on Jane’s part, or it is another sign of how close they were and how well they knew each other.

That Paul was understood like that by another person is extremely important! As he was reported saying after their breakup in 1968:

Jane wasn’t just my woman, she was my closest friend. I’ve told her everything inside me. She knows what makes me tick down to things that happened as a kid. I went right through all the stuff about my mother dying and how I dealt with that. With Jane, I could just relax completely and be myself and that seemed to be what she wanted. With the other women, I’m a fucking millionaire rock star who just happens to be about as shallow as a puddle.

—in Alistair Taylor’s With the Beatles (2003).

Or just before that, as observed during the extensive interviews for the Beatles’ authorized biography, in 1967:

[Paul’s] life is much quieter and more ordered now. Paul is very communicative about himself, unlike the others. He talks everything over with Jane. She knows what he’s thinking.

— in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

And I can’t stress enough how significant it is that Paul was open in such a way! It just shows how much he respected and trusted Jane.

And I think she also trusted him. With this I don’t mean to say that she trusted him not to sleep around; I don’t believe for a minute she didn’t know about it. And because she doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of person who would endure it if she was actually betrayed and hurt by this, my personal opinion is that this was a given; something known and accepted between them. And probably not just one-way either. They spent long periods apart, after all, and I think both Paul and Jane had agreed between themselves that it was okay to have affairs. I don’t know exactly the specifics of it, or if this was revoked when they got engaged.

But I don’t think that was the (main) reason the engagement was called off either.

It is clear they enjoyed the other’s company, from the amount of time they spent on outings and holidays alone together. But both also seem rather uncompromising in respects to their personal careers, and that probably lead to clashes. During 1965 they spend a lot of time apart when Jane pursues her acting career in Bristol Old Vic company.

My whole existence for so long centred around a bachelor life. I didn’t treat women as most people do. I’ve always had a lot around, even when I’ve had a steady girl. My life generally has always been very lax, and not normal.

I knew it was selfish. It caused a few rows. Jane left me once and went off to Bristol to act. I said OK then, leave, I’ll find someone else. It was shattering to be without her.

— Paul McCartney, in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

Paul’s frustrations were exercised through ‘We Can Work It Out’ and ‘I’m Looking Through You’:

I wrote quite a lot of stuff up in that room actually [in Jane Asher’s family home]. I’m Looking Through You I seem to remember after an argument with Jane. There were a few of those moments. […]

As is one’s wont in relationships, you will from time to time argue or not see eye to eye on things, and a couple of the songs around this period were that kind of thing. This one I remember particularly as me being disillusioned over her commitment. She went down to the Bristol Old Vic quite a lot around this time. Suffice to say that this one was probably related to that romantic episode and I was seeing through her façade. And realising that it wasn’t quite all that it seemed. I would write it out in a song and then I’ve got rid of the emotion. I don’t hold grudges so that gets rid of that little bit of emotional baggage. I remember specifically this one being about that, getting rid of some emotional baggage. ‘I’m looking through you, and you’re not there!’

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

You’re thinking of me the same old wayYou were above me, but not todayThe only difference is you’re down thereI’m looking through you and you’re nowhere

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right? Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight

I’m looking through you, where did you go I thought I knew you, what did I know You don’t look different, but you have changedI’m looking through you, you’re not the same

Paul was especially shaken by this episode when it became apparent that she might actually leave him for her other boyfriend:

I remember more one time when she was working at the Bristol Old Vic and she’d got a boyfriend in Bristol and was going to leave me for him. That was wildly traumatic, that was ‘Uhhhh!’ Total rejection!

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

So to lead a better life, Paul needs his love to be here, but Jane was pursuing her own dreams:

Jane loved acting and Jane loved Paul, but she wasn’t about to give one up for the other. […] Of all the plum roles that had come her way, the Subservient Beatles Woman was the only one Jane Asher refused to play. […] She had too much going for her to take a backseat to anyone, much less her mate. From the beginning, Paul had a hard time keeping up with her. Jane’s diary, which she lived by, was a clutter of fascinating appointments and social commitments. “I was amazed by the diary,” Paul admitted. “I’ve never known people who stuffed so much into a day.” There were auditions, meetings with television and movie producers, vocal lessons, acting classes, fittings, gallery debuts, screenings, recitals, opening nights. […] “Paul was clearly in awe of her,” says Peter Brown.

— in Bob Spitz’s The Beatles: The Biography (2005).

And though they both loved culture and the swinging London scene, Jane wasn’t into all the drugs or the rock-n’-roll world. So when they moved together to Cavendish in March 1966, their slightly different social circles often didn’t mix well.

At Wimpole Street, he and Jane had kept their social lives mainly separate. At Cavendish, she naturally wanted to entertain her theatre friends, and the mix of luvvies and rockers could sometimes be awkward. One evening when she had some fellow actors to dinner, Paul arrived home with John, who–whether the result of drink or pot or just plain Lennonness–was at his most maliciously provocative. When one of the actresses at the table nervously requested an ashtray, he knelt beside her and facetiously offered one of his nostrils for the purpose. Jane, with her usual sangfroid, simply extended a foot and pushed him over.

— in Phillip Norman’s Paul McCartney: The Biography (2016).

On this same month, during a skiing holiday in Switzerland, Paul writes ‘For No One’.

It was very nice and I remember writing 'For No One’ there.I suspect it was about another argument. I don’t have easy relationships withwomen, I never have. I talk too much truth.

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

It’s interesting to me that Paul’s problem in his relationship with women is “talking too much truth”. But by the lyrics in the song, we see that once again Paul is struggling with Jane’s self-reliance and her perceived lack-of-interest for him (which I also find endlessly ironic):

She wakes up, she makes upShe takes her time and doesn’t feel she has to hurryShe no longer needs you

You want her, you need herAnd yet you don’t believe her when she says her love is deadYou think she needs you

You stay home, she goes outShe says that long ago she knew someone but now he’s goneShe doesn’t need him

Your day breaks, your mind achesThere will be times when all the things she said will fill your headYou won’t forget her

And in her eyes you see nothingNo sign of love behind the tearsCried for no oneA love that should have lasted years!

The next big separation comes in 1967, when Jane goes on a tour of the US for the first five months of the year. This was, of course, a time of tectonic changes within the Beatles and in Paul’s life.

When I came back after five months, Paul had changed so much. He was on LSD which I hadn’t shared. I was jealous of the spiritual experiences he’d had with John.

—Jane Asher, in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

It must have been extremely disorientating to come back to the tripping, summer-of-love, looking-for-the-Meaning Paul. But to their credit, they did try to get to know one another again; reconnect:

On Jane’s return from America, she and Paul made a last-ditch stand to consolidate their relationship. Jane, unusually, even accompanied Paul to a recording session on 20 July 1967 […] Two days after the session, Jane accompanied Paul to Greece with the other Beatles. In August Jane was with him on the trip to Bangor to be initiated by the Maharishi, and during the difficult days following Brian’s death she was clearly a great source of strength and comfort to him; someone familiar and safe he could trust and confide in; someone with all the attributes of a wife. They spent the first three weeks of December alone together in Paul’s remote Scottish farmhouse and four days later, on Christmas Day, 1967, they announced to Paul’s family - perhaps slightly to their own surprise - their engagement.

— in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

Jane and Paul make a very loving and lovely couple. Everyone agrees on this. […] Paul and Jane have more time together, on their own, than probably the other Beatle couples. They do get away together, to places like their Scottish home, thanks to Jane. They were the first to want to move to the country for good, to a quieter smaller house, which John and George now also want to do.

—in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

When they got engaged, on Christmas Day 1967, all these problems were in the past. Maharishi, for a long time, was the only little point of difference, although it was all amicable. Jane didn’t fall for him when the others did, although she understood the attraction. She would obviously have preferred to try to reach a spiritual state on their own. Paul wasn’t as committed as George and John when he went with Jane to India in 1968, but he felt there was something there that would help him, that might answer his questions. So Jane agreed to go with him.

— in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

Suffice it to say, Paul didn’t get his answers. In fact, the reality he knew was about to crumble.

The summer of 1968 was a horrible storm of drugs, anxiety and heartbreak, where he had to take care of this budding enterprise while managing a band and losing both his partners. And I think Alistair Taylor’s descriptions of a completely wrecked Paul reflect all of that.

It’s curious then how Paul recalls his reaction to the calling off of the engagement later:

I don’t remember [his and Jane’s eventual] breakup as being traumatic, really. I remember more one time when she was working at the Bristol Old Vic and she’d got a boyfriend in Bristol and was going to leave me for him. That was wildly traumatic, that was ‘Uhhhh!’ Total rejection! We got back together again but I had already gone through that when we eventually split up. It seemed it had to happen. It felt right.

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

They were eventually both at peace with the decision. Paul has expressed that he had an intuitive unconscious reticence over actually marrying Jane. And Jane herself had felt that they’d grown too much and apart as people. She surmises:

“And I had four [wonderful years].

“No, it wasn’t love at first sight on my side. It was several months before I felt at all certain. And of course, I was young. Only seventeen. Inevitably, one changes. After all, Paul himself was only twenty when we met.

“I knew in my bones that the break must inevitably come a long time before it actually happened. Although we had this emotional thing for each other, we found it difficult to be really happy together.”

I remembered, then, the character in another play who had cried: “I am not offering you happiness, but love.” And I remembered, too, how that great J. L. Garvin had once told me when I was Jane’s age: “Everything in life makes either for happiness or experience.”

“And sometimes the experience is more important,” I suggested now.

She nodded as she got up to go.

“I long to improve as an actress and I hope what’s happened to me will make me understand more fully the characters I am asked to play. Anyway, I promise you, I wouldn’t not have had it happen. I mean, I am very, very grateful for those four years. And I am not going to look back in bitterness or anger, but only forward.

“People are such bores who make a drama out of their lost loves. In every case someone has to fall out of love first.”

—Jane Asher, interview w/ Godfrey Winn for The Australian Women’s Weekly: Girl with a broken love affair. (April 23rd, 1969)

So here’s my overview of Paul and Jane.

I feel like their relationship was very genuine and organic, so much so that they eventually grew in different directions. But they were nevertheless very important and formative figures in each other’s lives.

And it was personally very interesting for me to see this side of Paul too, the one whose needs are left unmet by a driven, work-oriented, independent partner, and how he reacted to that.

Jane herself is an awesome woman in her own right, and I loved this chance to get to know her a little better.

As for love songs written from Paul to Jane, I would ask for the help of more well-informed fans! I’m sure many of the feelings expressed in his love songs were also inspired in part by his experiences with Jane. Is there one particular song out there which has been stated to be about her?

#asks me why #jane asher #paul mccartney #the beatles #John Lennon #there are two sides to me

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aedroths · 5 years

Text

inspired by @indoril-nerevar-mora post about positivity, here's a 5 by 5 positivity tag!!

talk about 5 things about tes that you love and then about 5 of your favorite tes blogs!!

tes, in general, is a great franchise, and honestly talking to another person irl that loves it always makes me so happy and glad to have a friend to talk about it with!!! and i admit I've had my problems with this in the past, but instead of approaching everyone with anger and hatred that disagree with us on the nuances, we should be glad to have an ENTIRE community to share our oc stories, our ideas, theories and things that just make us happy about tes. obviously this doesn't go the same for vigilantly hateful people like nazis, racists, homophobes, transphobes, MAPs... basically anyone that enters this fandom to attack people bc of their identity or have a harmful intent. there is no debate about basic decency, and if you're someone negatively affects the community, shame on you!!! no one should have to tell you to be decent and kind

anyway, we as a community need to be more positive and loving. most of us use tes and tumblr as an escape (not therapy 👀) from reality - from personal home issues, from politics, from heartbreaking stories on the news. we need to be more supportive, more understanding and more kind. why escape from the harshness of life only to log onto to see dreadful disk horse and people attacking another over opinions?

ANYWAY getting to the point (i know i ramble lmao) here's five things about tes that i love:

the soundtrack. admittedly, I've only played oblivion and skyrim but their scores are so relaxing. double that with the scenery, and it's no wonder people spend HOURS on this game. it's soothing and helps a ton w anxiety (and insomnia - even my 2 month old seems to sleep better with it playing in the background).

characters and their backstories. mine, specifically are sapphire, serana, miraak, nazir, sanguine, sheo, malacath, azura, mara, and brynjolf. it would be an essay on why i love each SO

the lore. it's complex, frustrating, but so fun to read about during feeding my son (hint: breastfeeding is exhausting lol). with the exception of nearly everything written by kirkbride (and several other racist/sexist aspects...), i appreciate the thought that goes into expanding tamriel.

the fact that with nearly EVERY game, there is so much exploring to do. under every rock is something new, and you find so many breathtaking destinations unmarked. like i said, it's no wonder people spend hours on the game.

the armor, weapons, etc. it feels immersive that you really can become a badass warrior, or shadowy thief, or intelligent mage (but it really seems like by dialogue in skyrim, they have a specific build in the writing :/) it also gives you the ability to create a multitude of ocs, with a range of stories, skills, personalities,,, even to ship with favorite characters. the open world really feels immersive idk

so to also spread the positivity within the community, here's my top five favorite tes bloggers (PLEASE don't take it personally if you're not on the list!!! all of you are creative, beautiful people!!)

@airiat her ocs are adorable, her writing is beautiful and she's genuinely a great person w such a positive energy (im getting SUCH a lavender vibe from u luv). we're both into astrology and tarot, and she has an amazing talent reading BOTH. like her analysis of astrology is so accurate and reliable. she is so easy to talk to and and just SO friendly and kind. and i absolutely ADORE her ship of her oc fjoara and teldryn 😍😍 honestly anyone would be doing themselves a favor by following this angel 🕊❤

@partyatsanguines she raised to popularity seemingly quick in this fandom and she absolutely deserves it!! the thought she puts in her memes, shitposts and her amazing ocs is amazing! her jokes are hilarious and definitely have made me laugh when i was having a SHITTY day. she has such a no-nonsense attitude and I'm getting a velvet red vibe from her. she's so smart (seriously i don't understand anything with math and yet here she is!!! fucking majoring in it i am just WOW) and you can see it in her jokes too. honestly i used to envy her jokes!! like i would wish i was witty enough to come up with HALF that she does. you deserve every follower and kind message queen!! ❤

@doomedteaparty i think she was actually one of the first people who posted about tes. she's incredibly creative, artistic and just really an amazing person. i love her ocs, and the ships she has with her ocs, her screenshots are always amazing. she's insightful and knowledgeable, and hearing her opinions honestly seems to give me a spare brain cell. she has such an ocean blue vibe 🌊 babe you're doing SO great don't forget that!!! 💕💕💕

@trinimac i haven't been following her for too long, but I've seen her posts about malacath (she's definitely the reason why i love him now!!!) she seems to have such an astounding knowledge on lore, and really just funny as fuck. her posts always slap frfr. im getting a sunset orange vibe?! i don't know much else but honestly keep doing you, you have such an amazing mind ❤❤

and of course @indoril-nerevar-mora !! honestly hes an absolute angel, and a strong person!!!! with everything he's been through, he's an inspiration 💖💖. && him and his boyf are honestly SO adorable and relationship goals as fuck 💕💕 i love his ocs, their stories and honestly just how badass he made them!!! and his screenshots are just 💯💯 has on point opinions and has great insights. DEFINITELY picking up a pearl vibe 🥰

whether you're tagged or not, everyone should post their top five by fives, and spread a much needed positivity (and if you don't, no pressure!!) tag as #tesblrpositivity bc i def want to see why everyone loves tes and tesblr!!! 💕💕💕

#tesblr positivity #tes #skyrim #oblivion #morrowind #eso #hannah speaks

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yeaimfishboi · 5 years

Text

After the Midnight Hour | Chapter II: Just Business

Pairing: JaehyunxReader

Word Count: 3k

Genre: Mafia!AU, angst, a wee bit of floof, and some heated situations?

Warnings: Blood, gore, swearing, character death, and idk maybe Yuta? you’ll understand

A/N: She finally meets him I know!! I hope you like this chapter, I worked super hard on it! Masterlist in comments! Jaehyun will be my death

Summary: Y/N has always taken care of her sister. Her sister is all she has, but she can no longer afford it. She calls her old best friend for help where she is introduced to a loan shark. Will everything turn out alright for Y/N or will it go awry?

”Nothing Good Ever Happens After Midnight.” -Bo Schembechler

You felt the breeze of the crisp midnight air sweep underneath your jacket. It was one of your only jackets. An old navy blue sweatshirt that belonged to your dad. You held onto it throughout the years because you wanted something to hold that reminded you of them, and this one did, it still smelt like him: old Cuban cigars, cranberry juice, and his cologne.

Nothing good ever happens after midnight. You could hear your mother saying it to you now just like she used to, and based upon your current situation, it seemed to be accurate. You were leaning against a rough brick wall in a dimly lit alleyway waiting for a man you didn’t know so you could discuss “business.” Sounded like a perfect combination.

“Now why would a little lady like you be waiting in a cold, dark alley to meet with a loan shark? What kind of trouble are you in?” You heard a young man ask behind you, voice as smooth as honey but with a little gruffness behind it, almost like coffee. You turned your body towards the man, he was wearing a leather jacket that seemed like it was very well cared for along with some black pants. He had the face and body of an Adonis, but the smirk of a sly cunning fox. Unlike Ten, he had no visible tattoos or piercings besides two on his ear. Also unlike Ten, his hair was a light auburn brown that fell right around his eyes.

“I would think boy troubles, but you don’t seem like the type to have boy troubles,” the young man interrupted your thoughts again.

“Why does it matter to you. All your type wants is business. As long as it comes in then it doesn’t matter where it came from, am I right?” you scoffed at the man.

“Ouch,” he clutched his gut feigning pain as if you had stabbed him there, “what a jab at my chosen profession. I’ll have you know there’s more to me than meets the eye,” his smile towards you definitely held some secrets, ones that you couldn’t pinpoint.

“Uh huh, totally,” you rolled your eyes at him.

“How much do you need?” he asked obviously trying to move your transaction along a little quicker.

“20 grand,” you sighed.

“That much? Now I’m really curious as to what trouble you’ve gotten yourself into,” he chuckled wryly.

“Doesn’t matter, you’re getting business.”

“Ooh challenge accepted, beautiful,” he emphasized with a pause before the last word, “you have a month to give me half of the money including 20% interest.”

“20%?” your jaw dropped. There was no way in hell you were ever going to pay that off in time, not with your bills on top of it.

“Listen, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. You have a month to give me twelve grand. I’ll meet you right here exactly a month from now,” he stated as he handed you the cash.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

That month went by really fast. You had spent a lot of your time with Jiyeon working on her treatment. You met up with Ten a few times at the diner, but your time was usually cut short since you had to work constantly in order to save up enough. Sadly though, after about three weeks, you were laid off from your job, which meant that you were incredibly short on your dues. About 3 grand short. On top of that, today was not a good day to hold this meeting since Jiyeon went in for surgery a few hours ago.

You sat waiting at the same spot antsy and anxious, hoping to get this exchange over with as soon as possible. It was a lot colder than it was the last time, which only made to heighten your anxiety.

“Do you have my money?” you heard the man’s voice appear from behind you.

“Well, I have most of it,” you sighed as you turned to face him. He was in slightly different apparel than your prior meeting. This time he wore jeans instead of black pants, and underneath his leather jacket was a blue flannel. Hmm, he has a softer side. His outfit this time makes him look far less scary than before, you thought.

“What do you mean you have most of it,” he growled.

“I mean, I only have nine grand as I lost my job,” you snarled right back at him.

“The people above me don’t care that you lost your job. All they care about is the fact you brought me 9 grand when it should've been twelve,” he shook his head, as if he expected this to happen. You watched him signal two men over to you with his fingers. Goonies. Only there to make sure you learn to follow through on your promises.

“I wouldn't do that if I were you,” you simpered at them.

Both of the men approached you, one of them holding a baton. Ooh, you thought, a weapon will make this even more fun. You couldn’t see their faces due to the combination of the dull alleyway lights and the hoods they were wearing. You carefully watched each man’s movements and calculated how they would strike. One of the boys’ gait was lopsided. You could tell as he relied too heavily on his right side, so you swung your leg around and hit him in the left hip. Almost immediately, the man fell to the ground clutching his hip in pain. Seemed like he broke his ilium and it still hadn’t fully healed. You turned your head to face the man with the baton. His mouth was agape, still trying to process the scene that unfolded in front of him. You used that as an opportunity to strike him in the throat. He started to gasp out for air, and he dropped his baton. You grabbed it just before it hit the ground and struck him in his side and the groin with it. He fell to the ground attempting to make a sound due to the pain but couldn’t because of his airway trauma.

“I wouldn’t try that again,” you smirked down to the two men on the ground below you dropping the baton on the man at your feet. Your gaze then shifted up to the attractive man still standing, “all I ask is for an extra two weeks for me to cover the oth-” your sentence was cut off by your phone’s ringtone. You pulled it out of your pocket to see the caller ID, Doctor Kim. “Shit! I’ve really got to take this.” You pulled the phone up to your ear.

“Ms. Y/N?” Doctor Kim sounded solemn.

“Did you guys finish already?” you asked, hopeful even though you knew the news was most likely bad.

“No, we couldn’t. Jiyeon had a reaction to the anesthesia,”

“She WHAT?” you cried out, “that has never happened before.”

“I know, but she was dead for 2 minutes.”

“She… was… WHAT?” you screamed.

“Now, Ms. Y/N its nothing to-”

“I’m on my way right now,” you hung up the phone and sighed, “I really need to go. I’ll see you here two weeks from now,” you tossed the money to the man's feet, and ran off as fast as your legs could carry you.

Within a few minutes, you arrived at the hospital door. You burst in and ran to the desk, exclaiming, “Where is she?”

“She’s in her normal post-op room, but Ms. Y/S/N, I must ask, is that man with you?” you turned around to see the man from before directly behind you. The man you had made a deal with. Adonis, as you liked to call him… at least when you were all by yourself.

“Hmm, him? I mean, I guess,” you sighed, “thank you,” you said to the young woman before you took off running again.

You arrived at her door and slammed it open, only to see your sister sitting upright on her bed, happily eating jello and watching Riverdale.

“God mother fucking damn it, Jiyeon. You gave me a fucking heart attack. What the hell are you even doing sitting up? You had a reaction to your anesthesia, you know what that could have meant for you,” you sighed as you took the jello out of her hands and lowered her bed down.

“I’m perfectly fine, it was only a minor hiccup,” she groaned.

“Minor hiccup?” your voice raised, “you were dead for two minutes Jiyeon!”

“And look, I’m still kicking! I’m invincible and you know it!” she kicked her feet and threw her hands up in the air, Superman style. Although, she dropped them when she noticed the figure behind you, “Y/N did you get another boyfriend and not tell me again?”

“Hmm? What?” you looked behind you and noticed Adonis standing by the doorframe, “he’s not my-”

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Jaehyun,” he interrupted your rambling by offering your sister a handshake. Now you finally knew his name.

“What a gentleman! Now Y/N what did I tell you about hiding your boyfriends from me?” your sister smiled devilishly at you.

“He’s not my boyfriend! He was just-” you stopped yourself before you could truly say the reason as to why he was with you.

“I was just walking her home when she got a call from what I assume is your doctor?” Thank God for him covering your ass.

“Well, that was very sweet of you. Thank you for looking after my sister. She certainly has a habit of putting my needs and wants above her basic survival,” your sister smiled at the young man.

“Is that so?” he asked inquisitively as if a light bulb just struck off in his head.

“Anyways, you two should get going. I’ll be fine here,” your sister smiled again before re-claiming her jello.

“Ji, I should stay here tonight and watch over you. Make sure nothing happens,” you interjected.

“No, Y/N you need to take care of yourself. I’ll just call Ten and see if he can come, to make you feel better,” you could’ve sworn you heard Jaehyun whisper Ten in a questioning tone to himself, but you let it go.

“Fine, I’ll accept that,” you sighed.

“Now go! Leave, you lovebirds! Use protection!” your sister shouted as the two of you left the room. Both you and Jaehyun laughed to yourselves at your sister’s antics.

There was quite a long pause between you and Jaehyun as you guys left the hospital.

“Now I see what kind of trouble you are in,” he was the first one to break the silence, “I’ll give you an extra three weeks to give me that 3 grand, but that’s your last chance.”

“Thank you so much! You won’t regret it,” you couldn’t hide the smile that grew across your face.

“I better not, I’ll see you in the spot in three weeks. Good night Y/N,” he smiled at you.

“Night, Jaehyun.” Normally you wouldn’t be so loose and laid-back with someone this fast, especially with someone like him, but he just gave you extra time to pay off your debt and he had just met your sister.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You found yourself at home faster than normal. You were greeted by the smell of mold and mildew and the sight of rotting wallpaper and broken floors. You bought your house for only a few grand. It was all that was available and cheap enough to fit what you needed. It may not be much, but to you, it was home. You set down your bag on the floor and pulled out your phone to turn on the flashlight. You usually used it to help you cook your meals when it was late at night since turning on the actual lights cost too much to use all the time. You pulled out a small container of instant noodles and then split it in half since the food you had in your house was supposed to last you the next three weeks.

You placed your noodles in the microwave and set the timer. While it was cooking you heard a slight creak in the floorboards behind you. You were only slightly weary until you felt a hand place itself on your shoulders. You swung your leg from underneath the assailant and placed the pair of scissors in your hand against his throat.

“Well damn, Y/N, I didn’t expect you to try and kill me after that lovely interaction we just had,” you recognized that voice.

“Jaehyun? What the hell are you doing here? And how did you find me?” you asked still in shock releasing him from your grip.

“Better question, why the hell are your lights off?” he asked groaning, pushing himself upwards, examining the contents of your house.

“Hold on, intruder, follow me,” you decided to lead him to the only room with lights that didn’t cost you too much.

“Woah, are you sure this is your place?” he asked as he scanned the horror that was your bedroom. Holes in the ceiling, missing floorboards, paint chipping and rotting off. It was basically falling apart, it definitely wasn't safe for any human to live in but it was all you had.

“Yes,” you responded, “it is.”

“And I’m guessing this is your bedroom,” you nodded to his question. His brows furrowed brows; he examined your bedroom with ferocity, pausing every few seconds when he spotted something that seemed to make your habitat, well… uninhabitable. He continued scanning until he happened to fall upon your pile of goose feathers, also known as your bed. “You sleep on the floor? What the hell? That's it, you're spending the night with me.” What in the world made him come to the decision of spending the night with you? Your place really wasn’t that bad.

“I’m just fine here. I’ve lived here for years,” you disagreed.

“All you’re doing is furthering my case, you’re staying with me.”

“Why does it matter to you anyways,” you retorted.

“That's actually what I came here for. I had a proposition for you, but we’ll go over that in the morning. For now, you're coming with me and you're going to sleep in a room where the walls aren’t falling apart,” he already started dragging you by the hand. There was no use in fighting him, his brute strength was enough to keep you and your feist at bay. Lucky for you, you were able to pick up your bag on the way out, which had all your essentials: a phone charger, your notebook, some hygiene products, etc.

He carefully pulled you by the arm to his car. It was a black car that was low to the ground, fairly well kept and new in a sense, but from what you could tell about Jaehyun, he took care of his stuff. He led you inside its faux leather interior and you buckled up. He flashed you a small smile as he started the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The car ride was very quiet. Not a single word was spoken between the two of you. At least not until you pulled into the driveway of a large building. You couldn’t exactly determine what it looked like since it was so dark outside.

“Alright, when we get in there, you are not to say anything to anyone besides me. We’re going to go straight to my room where you are going to sleep,” Jaehyun started, “I live with a bunch of boys and they can be giant dickheads sometimes. If they say anything don’t respond in any way whatsoever. That includes fighting them, got it?” Jaehyun commanded.

“Got it, but one question. Why am I staying in your room?” you asked most curious.

“I don’t trust anyone with you besides myself,” he paused and took a deep breath, “alright here we go.” He grabbed your hand and led you inside the house, and within 30 seconds of entering the building as if on cue, someone said something.

“Well damn Jaehyun brought home a girl, a damn fine one at that. What a surprise,” you heard a man catcall you from the side.

“Shove it up your ass Yuta,” Jaehyun scoffed.

“Gladly, provided she does it herself,” you could practically hear this man licking his lips and it infuriated you. You were just about to speak up when you felt Jaehyun squeeze your hand as if telling you not to do it.

Instead of responding to this Yuta man, Jaehyun just led you up the stairs and into his room. He released your hand and went to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“Here, put these on,” Jaehyun points to an old sofa, “I have a couch over there with some blankets and pillows on it. If you need anything I’ll be right on the bed,” and with that Jaehyun crawled into his bed. You walked into his en-suite bathroom and changed into the clothes he gave you. Afterward, you crawled onto the couch and curled up under the blankets.

You thought that with sleeping on something other than the cold wooden floor you had that you would be able to sleep well but that was far from the case. You were anxious, cold, and in an unfamiliar place. It was common sense that you couldn’t sleep. You kept trying new positions to lay in but none of them helped ease your discomfort.

“Just crawl in here with me,” Jaehyun muttered. Seems like he couldn’t sleep either.

“I’m not gonna do that you idiot,” you groaned.

“You’re not going to be able to sleep unless you do.” God, he did make a good point.

“Fine,” you groaned. You moved up from the couch and crawled into the open spot next to Jaehyun on his bed. You started to relax when you felt a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around your waist and pull you closer to him. You were never one to like any sort of physical contact, but as odd as it was, you were pretty sure it was that gesture that helped you fall asleep that night.

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plush-anon · 5 years

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tejoxys

I finally saw the Endgame spoilers clip

*rubbing my grubby little hands together bc I love a good roast*

Welp, if it’s a roast you want, a roast you shall receive!

(Note: I think I spoke vaguely enough about everything big in the Clips below NOT to warrant an outright Spoilers tag, so I’m leaving it with just an Endgame Leaks tag and a ‘Read More’ line. Message me if you’ve a.) seen the Clips/gone scrolling for more info in the Spoilers tag and b.) think it’s more spoilery than I try to vague it to be, and I’ll tag it post haste)

Christ Almighty, the Clips just make everything look like an enormous MESS.

Thor looks just... awful. In every scene. LITERALLY EVERY SCENE HE’S IN IN THESE SPOILERIFIC CLIPS, HE LOOKS TERRIBLE. There isn’t a single one where he doesn’t look like a mess. Everyone else gets a glow-up (new hair, tattoos, freshly shaved) and looks put together in general (which is admittedly baffling - really, EVERYONE looks good in the face of mass genocide and failure to stop it from occurring?) but Thor decided to whip out his Big Lebowski cosplay at their big ‘save the world’ get-together... why??? (seriously Thor, was a shower too much to ask for?)

Now, if we’d had ANY inclination that anyone else looked rough aside from Tony and Nebula a la the stuck-in-space teaser trailers we saw originally, that would be one thing. Everyone there lost a loved one, everyone there has probably had to come to terms with the fact that they FAILED TO STOP THANOS when they were all right freakin’ there! NO ONE SHOULD LOOK 100% OKAY HERE. Show me dishevelment, poor coping mechanisms, show them having to struggle for weeks (maybe even MONTHS) after the events.

But nope! They are ALL in perfect health according to the trailers we’ve seen before. Even Tony, after nearly dying in space multiple times, just takes a bath and appears to be in fine health after getting back (with some bags under the eyes). Everyone’s perfectly fine, except for Thor (and maaaaaybe Hawkeye, who looks to have gone full-on Frank Miller Batman in his quest for vengeance, but still had time to get a mullet and some sweet sleeve tats in between!).

Nice.

This is a MASSIVE problem with the MCU as a whole, and has been for a while: their repeated attempts to gloss over and sweep consequences of mental trauma and illness away under the rug until it suits them for plot convenience or for comedy. You see this in the Thor sequels a LOT (Selvig being institutionalized for comedy after being possessed, Loki being kept in literal solitary confinement for roughly 2 years, Valkyrie’s PTSD and alcoholism played for laughs, mocking Loki’s suicide attempt from Thor 1 and the actual death he survived in Thor 2, ALL of Odin’s outright dickishness as a parent a la narcissistic parenting, Hela being imprisoned in isolation for literal CENTURIES), as well as anything to do with Tony Stark and his thought process (everything he does is pretty much as a result of the trauma he endures, and everyone in the Avengers just??? doesn’t recognize it??? and attacks him for it without going ‘hey, maybe he’s got PTSD’ or something???? what the hell, man). GOTG does a MUCH better job of it with Rocket and Nebula, but Mantis is left woefully unrealized (thought they do touch upon it briefly, and handle it with relative seriousness).

Either way, Thor concerns me a LOT, because he is the king of a very small group of Asgardian refugees (and given the scene that shows in the Clips, as well as the appearance of another Thor character later on, we KNOW there were multiple survivors), trying to find a new life on Midgard in the face of not one, not two, but THREE fcuking tragedies - the destruction of Asgard, Thanos’ attack on their ship, and the Snap. Why is he the way he is, in the location he’s in (which actually appears to be the apartment from Team Thor’s mockumentary)? He is the only semblance of leadership left for these people who have lost everything and he’s Like That. Where is a Thor stressed and fretting over being fully responsible for once in his life over the lives of his people, over what little remains of his kingdom? Where is a Thor struggling with guilt as he tries to build a new life for his people, struggling with rule and politics and trade? WHERE IS HE??? Bc right now, all I see is Chris Hemsworth auditioning for the remake of The Big Lebowski, having wandered onto the Avengers set instead of his audition location by mistake -_-

The scenes with Steve leave me absolutely baffled (and some of them just ooze cheese, and not in a great way), because how in the fcuk do we get to those?? His scenes feel the most disjointed here, bc they all have a similar vibe to his personality in Whedon’s Avenger movies. Kind of the ‘Boy Scout’ presentation, which is particularly odd in the aftermath of the Russo Fools’ two Cap movies and Infinity Fcuk Up, which made him more serious, less - bright? I can’t think of a good word for it rn. This is particularly highlighted in his big ‘save the world’ speech we hear - it feels kind of like an ‘okay team, time to save the world!’ speech, instead of something more serious. Is it to try to bring everyone’s hopes up? What else is missing here that we’re not seeing? Why does he feel like he’s back to this persona in light of all that’s happened? Is it to highlight how good and awesome he is in order to {SPOILER REDACTED} like we see in that final sequence? (Also, the imagery for SPOILER REDACTED, while meant to be badass and awesome, feels... kind of awkward, IMHO. Which is weird, bc I thought it would be more amazing and awesome. IDK, maybe I’m just super jaded with the MCU by now).

Carol Danvers’ scenes are actually pretty on point. She gets to be a badass in her fighting scenes and gets an awesome new look that pretty much only functions to further cement her Lesbian Status. The only way she would be more obviously a Lesbian is if her suit were in the colors of (one of) the Lesbian Pride flags and a Cyndi Lauper song was playing in the background (or maybe Joan Jett).

Hulk/Bruce Banner... I don’t even know how they’re going to swing this. Like, at all. I’m particularly baffled bc given how some of the scenes appear to be set early in the film, it resolves extremely quickly to get to that point, and after all the drama of Hulk not coming out in Infinity Fcuk Up, I just - who the fcuk knows at this point. Also, that one scene with the {SPOILER REDACTED} could be effective depending on how they set it up, but then... why exactly is he the one in the scene with the {SPOILER REDACTED} and not Carol or Thor, due to Obvious Plot Reasons?

Finally, Peter Parker. He’s adorable in his scenes, ‘nuff said.

Now, after seeing these scenes, I am left EXTREMELY CONCERNED for this movie’s tone. Granted, it was only 5 minutes of footage for a 3 hour movie. Quite clearly, there is a LOT we aren’t seeing. All the same though, it feels extremely disjointed. I know they’re trying to pull away from the dark and grim ending of Infinity War, but these clips make it all feel a little too casual, a little too ‘let’s go beat the bad guy!’ as opposed to ‘we have suffered a great failure and a great tragedy - as heroes, we MUST work to undo this for the sake of those we have lost, and everyone left alive who has lost the people they loved’. Idk, that may just be me on this one.

But you know the worst part of all of THIS? The worst part is that this is probably what we’re going to get on the release date. This isn’t a trailer Marvel released with deleted live-action scenes featuring minimal to no CGI, or sections clumsily edited over with explosion effects - this was a slew of scenes with a TON of special effects fully rendered in painstaking detail, recorded with a phone on its side in what looks like a movie theater, with foreign subtitles on the screen (I honestly don’t recognize the alphabet, but it might be Middle Eastern). That CGI is expensive and time-consuming as all hell to do, and considering how many of these scenes had it? Either they wasted a shit-ton of money on scenes they didn’t use (seriously, a number of them have Rocket in them, or Hulk - those aren’t the easiest characters to render, I would imagine), or these are in the movie, end of story.

Not to mention, TPTB clamped down on these Clips HARD - like, IMMEDIATELY - as opposed to the process behind deleting Reddit comments. The fast and heavy response from Marvel and the Russo Fools, COMPLETE WITH OFFICIAL TWEET LETTER, along with a Chris Evans tweet not to Spoil the Shit, was to chastise the ones who did (which is somewhat warranted here, given how extreme the security on leaks for Endgame have been).

This response, combined with the quality of the clips, and some of the plot threads that actually seem to be mentioned/referenced in the Lego sets, leads me to believe it’s real.

And I’m not really impressed.

On the flipside, I’m actually kind of relieved, knowing what I’m going into when I walk into the theater opening weekend. I’m not going to be completely shocked and horrified by what I see. This works well in breaking the ice, and also eases some of my anxiety on what to expect (bc I have had a LOT of it for this movie).

The downside to this is that at the end of the day, this is what 22 films ultimately amounted to. Something that feels a little too glib, a little too rushed. Something that doesn’t feel like it’s doing right by the characters who were left, and the characters we love (at least, not in full).

I understand that this is an insurmountable task - to bring to film, with limited time, a satisfying conclusion to so many characters. To arrange hundreds of people within thousands of hours on a set budget to bring this massive story, building for over ten years now, to a close that will resonate and sate with as many fans as possible. But I read fanfiction that does just that with less time, fewer moments, no budget - hell, there are 10k oneshots that rewrote Infinity Fcuk to make sense and treat the characters with the respect that they’ve earned over 20+ films.

This? Doesn’t feel like those.

I will happily admit, I am guesstimating a LOT here, based off of what essentially amounts to 3% of the movie (slightly more, depending on how long the credits are sans post-credit scenes, but still roughly 3%). There is a LOT that is missing, which could fill in these gaps successfully and make this whole post look completely pointless. If it does that, I will gleefully concede that it fooled us on this one. Maybe all of these scenes really ARE hoaxes (even if they were painstakingly subtitled in a foreign language and shown on a movie theater-size screen, but I digress).

But the framing of the scenes looks like it was meant to showcase what the movie would be as a whole, in terms of tone and what to expect. And from that, I’m not excited, or overjoyed. I’m just tired.

And I cannot WAIT for this all to be over, bc I’m fcuking exhausted just watching 5 minutes. Lord knows what 182 of them will leave me like in the end.

*peers up at massive unending ranty analysis post* ...ah. Well then. that happened again. Ah well. Hope you had fun reading my nonsense brain goop, kiddos.

#tejoxys #avengers endgame #endgame leaks #analysis #plush rants #kind of #i am so tired #long post #if anyone wants to watch the Clips #i found a tumblr link that still has the video #dm me and i'll send it your way #normally i can actually guess a movie plot pretty damn well #i laid out both httyd2 and the good place's plots out just based off of trailers right off the bat #but this time? i REAAAAAAALLY hope i'm wrong #the only good part of this is that loki hasn't popped up in the Clips #also a bad part bc i Want To Know dammit #but after seeing thor here? it's a relief like no other

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