#okay my brain has been SO hard to handle for the past few days. just a constant alarm blaring through my mind at all times | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

allastoredeer · 3 months

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I read the new chapter of Holy Suffering as soon as it came out and I love the way u write Lucifer. For the past few days I have been reading Radio apple fanfic and I hate how lucifer is portrayed in most of them, shy , innocent with Alastor after the fight, and kinda out of character for the both of them, cause they suddenly like each other, and I don’t see it in them. They like to piss each other off, that’s the whole ship point.

Ur Lucifer is so sassy, Hits all the Good Characterization checks in my brain, he’s such a delight to read, same for Alastor. U had me going speechless most of the time Alastor spoke, cause I honestly didn’t know what he was gonna say next. Writing Alastor it’s probably hard, cause he is misterious and always hides his emotions but You totally nailed it. Right now he is probably angry at Lucifer cause he ratted him out lol

Al be like the audacity of this man after he forced him to do this.🙄

Anywhizzle I just wanted to ask, for the overload meeting, is Charlie gonna send Lucifer with Alastor? Maybe as a snake or something, to make sure is he okay. Cause she really sounded mortified that she didn’t notice that Alastor was suffering and man Al definitely didn’t like that, but it’s not like he can say no to Charlie so

A nd is there like a schedule for next updates? I am really invested in this story and I honestly can’t wait to read more of it.

Thank you ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Hahah Lucifer's got bite to him, for sure. He doesn't come off as the shy type to me. Awkward as hell, certainly. In the throes of depression, absolutely. And he cares about Charlie's opinion of him to a fault. But when it comes to someone throwing their weight around--or, more accurately, getting involved with Charlie (cough Alastor helping Charlie with the hotel, couch Adam fighting/hurting Charlie cough) he isn't afraid of getting his hands dirty.

Alastor is hard to write ಥ_ಥ I love him so much, but sometimes, I want to cut open his head and properly study his brain because f;knslnjsbj out of all the characters, he's the hardest for me to pin down, in terms of both dialogue and actions. He has such a way of talking, and such a distinct voice (his radio filter) that it's simultaneously easy to imagine his voice, but hard to put it to dialogue. So, I really appreciate hearing that I nailed it (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) Seriously, it's so appreciated to hear.

Nah, Alastor is going to be going to that one alone :3 It's going to be set in his POV, so we'll get some insight in his thoughts on the whole thing, and how he's handling his current affliction. I'm both excited to and nervous to get into it, because writing him in someone else's POV is hard, so writing him in his OWN POV is a little intimidating, but I'm mostly excited. I have a lot of thoughts for this series, and it's gonna be fun to explore them.

As for a schedule, I used to try to keep myself to one, and I've found that I have both a love/hate relationship with it. One the one hand, keeping a writing schedule is nice because it gives me a clear view of what I want to work on and an goal date to get it done, which is very nice for my ADHD brain.

BUT, on the other hand, when I start putting that pressure on myself to get it down, and I fail to actually reach that goal, it hits me pretty hard and it can take away my motivation and joy in writing the fic. It starts to feel more like a chore than a fun hobby I can do in my downtime.

Thankfully, I am DEEP in Hazbin Hotel hyperfixation, and the amazing feedback I've gotten from my fic's is certainly fueling my motivation. So thanks to everyone leaving kudos and comments! It's seriously so helpful and I cherish ever single one of them.

If I had to give an estimate for when the next installment of the series will drop, I'd say either at the end of this week, or the beginning/middle of next week. I have an unrelated AppleRadio one-shot I want to bust out before I work on the next installment, and that one I'm going to try and post by Thursday or Friday.

To quote out favorite Radio Demon,

~Stay Tuned

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ashwhowrites · 1 year

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could you write something for robin x reader where robin thinks that reader is straight because she seen her kissing eddie at a party but reader is actually bisexual and interested in robin. the kissing eddie part is just for angst lol

I loveeeeee Robin

Never proofread

I hope this is what you were looking for <3

~~~

Robin always struggled with reading girls. She couldn't separate friendliness from flirting. She couldn't tell if a girl was straight or gay. And that burned Robin a lot in the past. Always falling for the girls that are straight and never interested. Sadly, Robin was used to always being rejected.

With her latest crush, she ran into the same problem. Y/N was the sweetest girl Robin has ever met. Her voice was velvety and soft. Her smile was always bright and inviting. She was gorgeous, smart, and talented. It was easy for Robin to get sucked into her. But Robin could not tell if Y/N was just wanting to be friends or maybe something more.

Y/N was always quick to compliment Robin and it made her head spin. A new shirt? Y/N noticed. Did Robin cut her hair? Y/N noticed. Robin couldn't tell if she was just that great of a friend or if maybe Y/N liked her the way Robin did.

Chrissy was throwing a party, and the whole school was invited. Robin dragged Steve along because her anxiety could not handle a house full of people that wouldn't know who she even was. She didn't even plan to go until she heard Y/N talking about how she was going.

So now Robin stood in the corner, eating at her lips as she searched the party for the familiar face. And she found that face smashed against Eddie Munson's in a heated kiss.

Robin shouldn't have been surprised that she stroke out again, but she really wanted Y/N to be into her. Her stomach turned watching as her hands dove into Eddie's hair and his hands landed on Y/N's ass. The two were going at it like no one else was in the room. With a sad sigh, she asked Steve to take her home.

~~~

Robin avoided seeing Y/N all weekend but knew there was no escaping her at school. Robin convinced herself to just get over it and move on.

But once she caught sight of Y/N, it all went out the window. She felt like someone was twisting her stomach in knots.

"Hey Rob, I didn't see you at the party and you haven't answered my calls. Are you okay?" Y/N asked worriedly as she checked Robin over. Robin tried to ignore how red her face was burning up. Coughing as she backed up. She prayed her freckles covered the blush across her cheeks.

"Yeah, I got there then I felt sick so I went home and slept the whole weekend." Robin lied, hoping her lie sounded convincing. The concern is Y/N's eyes grew.

"I could have come over and helped you," Y/N said, reaching forward to feel Robin's forehead.

"It's fine. How was the party?" Robin asked, she already knew Y/N had a great time.

"It was alright, nothing really happened." Y/N shrugged

Robin's mouth moved faster than her brain.

"What about making out with Eddie?" Robin asked, immediately freezing when the question went past her lips. She was an idiot.

"How did you know about that?" Y/N asked curiously

Robin's mind blanked, blinking rapidly as she searched every part of her brain for a response.

"Gossip" Robin blurted out, swallowing hard as Y/N looked her over. With a slight nod, Y/N accepted the answer.

"I was drunk, he was drunk, and that was it." Y/N shrugged like it was no big deal.

Truthfully it was not a big deal. They were both single and welcome to kiss each other, but it killed Robin on the inside.

She thought of Y/N's lips all the damn time. Imagined countless times how soft her lips would feel. And it stung that Eddie got to find out.

~~~

Over the next few days, Robin tried her best to seem fine. Trying to hang out with her best friend like nothing changed between them. But the rejection was too fresh and it showed in Robin's eyes every time she looked at Y/N's lips.

It also caused Robin to snap at Eddie more than ever. She couldn't handle being in the same room with him, she just wanted to punch him, bust his lip open and watch it bleed.

Eddie picked up on the glares Robin constantly sent in his direction. He called her out and Robin surrendered. Telling Eddie all about her feelings for Y/N, and how badly it hurt to see him kiss her.

Eddie felt sorry for the girl. Seeing your crush on someone else was never a good feeling and it took forever to move on from it. And Eddie did not want to stand in her way. He made sure to clear Robin's worry of Eddie liking her. Agreeing with Y/N that it was a one-time drunk moment.

~~~

But Robin knew the same thing would happen over and over. Y/N won't be single forever, one day she will meet someone. Robin could sit and wait for that day, and suffer before it even happens with the what-ifs. Or admit her feelings...Robin chose to suffer.

The one thing Robin never did was tell her best friend she was gay, and she felt like it was time to admit that to her. Maybe it would ease her mind and help her move on. She wasn't sure how it would help her move on, but she already lied to herself that it would.

And that was when she found out her own best friend liked girls too.

"It's okay, Rob. I like girls too, and I wouldn't love you any different."

But Robin was stuck on the fact that her crush admitted she also liked girls. Robin had an opening, all she had to do was take it....she didn't.

Y/N did though, shyly scooting closer to Robin as she nudged her knee against Robin.

"Any girls in your mind?" Y/N asked, a shy smile on her face. Robin could sometimes be clueless, and Y/N had a feeling she would look way over Y/N's head.

"For a second then I get distracted by something else." Robin shrugged, her answer was painfully honest.

Y/N felt herself laughing at the girl, Robin was too cute for her own good.

"Well I have a girl in my mind and she stays there the whole time, and I never get distracted from her," Y/N said

Robin tried to sound supportive but was never good at hiding her annoyance.

"Who's the lucky girl?" Robin sassed out, crossing her arms over her chest.

"She's you." Y/N smiled, reaching down to squeeze Robin's knee.

"Um huh?" Robin asked, she turned to look at Y/N, confusion clear in her eyes.

Y/N rolled her eyes, smirking as she leaned in.

"This okay?" She whispered against Robin's lips.

Feeling Y/N's breath hit her lips had her in a trance, Robin's body froze and she licked her dry lips.

"Yes," She choked out, her voice cracking as Y/N leaned closer and closer.

Y/N smiled at the answer, pressing her lips against Robin's in a soft but passionate kiss.

Eddie Munson had nothing on Robin now.

#robin buckley fluff #robin buckley fanfic #robin buckley requests #robin buckley x female reader #robin buckley #robin buckley angst #robin buckley angst x reader #robin buckley x reader #robin buckley fluff x reader #robin buckley fluff x female reader #robin buckley angst x female reader

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spoopydooblr · 4 months

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My King Will Be Kind Chapter 11 / Kendall Roy x OC

an: oh my god this one is a doozy. i feel like yall deserve the angst here fr, thank you for the love and support! writing this story has been so fucking fun and i can't believe it's almost over. (will i write a part 2 aka season 5 of succession? maybe....) this chapter is a good oneeeeeeee

tw: cursing, mentions of death, angst

Stella woke up on election morning with hundreds of texts bombarding her phone.

"Fuck." She muttered, scrolling through.

Kendall had posted one of the pictures they took the night before. They were sitting on his fancy, all white couch in the penthouse, his arm around her. His gaze was on her as she looked into the camera. Obviously, they looked great, but she was still upset about the night before and how Kendall treated Matsson. Of course he had no idea that Lukas had harassed her all night, but still. He had run off with Ebba earlier in the night and she was definitely not thrilled about that either.

Kendall had texted her too, and though she was mad, the silent treatment wasn't really Stella's thing.

She caved and called him, sitting up in bed. It was definitely past ten, but she didn't have much work as it was Election Day.

"I was getting worried." Ken chuckled on the other side of the phone. "What happened last night? Did you like my insta post?"

"Yeah, yeah, I did. Sorry. It was just a lot—"

"Understandable." He smiled. "Did you have a good time, though? I thought the party was pretty lit."

Stella cracked a smile. He was always trying to be hip with her but was always a few years behind on the lingo. "It was super lit."

He was quiet for a second. "Uh, I don't wanna be that guy, but Shiv told me she saw you with Matsson."

"Oh."

"Like, I get it. But—"

"You have nothing to worry about, Ken. Seriously." Her voice cracked a little, the memories of the night before flooding her brain. If Shiv didn't separate them, what would have happened? Not that she would have cheated—definitely not. But Matsson had gotten awfully drunk and awfully close to her. "He kind of...um, he kind of harassed me."

"What?"

"It's not a big deal. He just, kind of like, I don't know. He was weird."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

She sighed. "I wish."

"Fuck." Kendall half-yelled. He had never been loud with her before. "I'm gonna fucking kill him."

"It's okay, really. He was drunk and just wanted to fuck with you." She pleaded. "I'm a big girl, I handled it."

He was quiet on the other line, clearly plotting his next moves. "Okay."

"I'm yours, Ken. Please don't worry."

"I know."

She remembered Kendall following Ebba to the balcony. If he got to question her, she was certainly going to question him. "Um, I don't wanna be that girl, but I saw you with Ebba."

Kendall sighed. "Business shit. I was fucking with Lukas."

"Ah."

"Trust me, you were the, uh, hottest girl there last night. Not that it was hard. But still. I'm kinda not surprised Lukas was trying to fuck you."

"Oh God Ken." She rolled her eyes.

"I know you're rolling your eyes, pretty girl."

"Fuck off."

"Speaking of," his voice softened, "Dad's funeral. Uh, I know it's like, a funeral and shit, but my Mom's going...and Rava and the kids..."

"Oh, um, okay." Stella could definitely handle his mother, but it was the ex-wife and kids that really made her nervous. Sure, his daughter was a fan and she'd seen her on FaceTime with Kendall, but that was about it. They hadn't found a good time for Stella and his kids to meet because of Logan's death. He didn't see them that much anyway.

"Soph's excited to meet you."

"Okay, good." Stella felt a little bit better. "How does um, Rava feel?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Things have been pretty fucking tense."

"I'm sorry, Ken."

"Sophie got like, fucking, I don't know...pushed or something."

"Pushed?"

"Some Mencken guy on the street. Rava told me."

"What the fuck is wrong with people?"

"I don't know."

"Ken...if you have any say in this tonight..." she trailed off. "Do the right fucking thing."

---------------------------------------------

He picked up on the first ring. "Where the fuck have you been?"

"Tell me it's not true." She breathed, looking at the tv in front of her.

"JERYD MENCKEN WINS ELECTION" blared on the screen, burning into her irises.

"What?" He said, but they both knew what she was talking about.

Stella paused, tears pricking her eyes. This could not be happening. "Kendall." She was almost pleading with him...hell, she was pleading with him. "Please."

"He's gonna block the deal for us, I had to—"

"How could you call it? How could you do this without the ballots in Milwaukee? And the—"

"It wasn't my decision."

"What about your daughter, Kendall?" She spat at him through the phone.

"What about my daughter, Stella?" He fired right back at her.

"You told me she got fucking pushed, Ken! Not everything is about the fucking deal! Don't you care about her?"

"You don't know a fucking thing about my kids. You're a kid. Fucking suck it up."

"Mencken is a fascist and you know it. He's a racist homophobe who's going to destroy the country and you let him walk all over you."

"Stella." He warned.

"My brother and his husband were just starting to feel accepted in their new neighborhood." She whispered. "How could you do this?"

"Jimenez wouldn't help us. We had to make a difficult choice."

Stella audibly gasped. "A choice? The fate of the country is a choice?"

"Stella—"

"No, no, I...I can't." She cried. "This is all a game to you. The election, the tailgate party...it's all a fucking game."

"This, this, is fucking politics, Stella." He scolded her. "And it's not going to fucking effect you."

"Not going to effect me? Are you hearing yourself?" She knew it was in him to be this way, but Kendall had never showed this side of himself to her. He was callous and cold and cared about himself more than others. "I didn't grow up like you, Ken. I have fucking car loans."

He laughed. He actually laughed. "I'll pay your fucking loans, Stella girl."

"You...you can't just 'Stella girl' me and expect everything to be okay." She stuttered. "You failed your kids tonight. You failed the fucking United States of America."

"Fuck you."

"No. Fuck you." Tears ran down Stella's face. Was this it? Was their relationship--their love--going to end over politics? It just seemed so tacky to her. She sunk to the ground, sitting on the cold wooden floor. They sat in silence, neither of them sure how to finish the conversation. Stella heard Kendall sniffle from the other side of the phone.

"I'm sorry. You're right. But I had to do it. Shiv's working with Matsson and I can't let them win. I-I'm sorry."

She stifled a sob. "I know."

"Are you still gonna come to the funeral?"

It pained her to know that Kendall thought she would flake on him.

"Of course, Ken."

"Are we good then? Like, are we uh, still good?"

"Um...I don't, I don't know."

"Okay."

"Yeah."

"Well...I'll uh, see you tomorrow, and uh, I...I fucking love you, okay?"

Stella breathed. Tears were flying. Never did she think this would be her life.

"I love you too."

------------------------------------------

The next morning, Stella's doorbell rung. It was barely light out and the funeral wasn't until the afternoon.

She opened the door to find a man carrying a dress bag.

"Miss Allen?"

"Oh. Great." Stella mumbled sarcastically, taking the bag. Of course Kendall sent her something to wear. Even on the day of his father's funeral, he was still sending her signals, telling her that she was his.

Putting on the dress and looking at herself in the mirror, Stella felt good. Way too good for a funeral. The dress was definitely too short and the black Gucci tights were definitely too sexy, but what was she going to do, not wear it?

As she left the apartment building to get on the subway, a car was already waiting for her outside. She recognized Fikret right away, rolling her eyes and getting into the black SUV.

I told you to stop sending me things.

Sorry

It's getting bad out there tho. Our car got attacked by mob earlier

Can't risk you getting hurt

Stella groaned. Little did he know she was going to the protest after the funeral.

Twenty minutes later, the car stopped at a giant cathedral. Paparazzi were swarming everywhere.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." She muttered, stepping out of the car. Twitter was going to explode about her outfit. It truly was a 'Fuck Logan Roy' dress.

Cameras rushed her, but they couldn't get too close because of the heavy security detail. Stella walked into the Cathedral behind some other, expensive-looking people. The last funeral she had been to was her father's, where she gave the eulogy. It was good, obviously, she was an actress, after all.

Kendall rushed to Stella the second he saw her walk in. She secretly wished he didn't look so good in his navy suit.

"How was it out there?" He leaned in to hug her. It lasted a little too long.

"Oh, the protest?"

He nodded.

"I think they left." She shrugged, knowing he was going to be pissed that she was attending the protest after the funeral.

"Uh, good. I was worried about you."

"You don't need to worry." She put her hands on his arms, rubbing down slowly. It really wasn't appropriate--she was supposed to be mad at him.

He leaned into her touch. "Thank you for coming, Stell."

"Of course."

Kendall checked her out as subtle as he could. "I knew that dress would be perfect on you."

"Little inappropriate for a funeral, though, don't you think?" She smirked. Hopefully Logan was grimacing in his coffin at Kendall being with her.

"Exactly." He said, staring her down.

"O-okay lover boy." She pushed him away, but before she could get far, an old woman with a pixie cut appeared out of nowhere.

"Now Kendall, who is this?" She spoke with a distinguished British accent. Stella's heart sank. The woman standing in front of her was definitley Kendall's mother.

"Oh, uh, mom, this is Stella."

Caroline's face curved into a sideways smile as she looked Stella up and down. "Oh my. Aren't you something?"

Stella smiled nervously. She knew Ken's mom was a fake bitch. "Hi."

"By God, Kenny, you're turning into your father." Caroline laughed. "Dear," she looked to Stella, "How old are you?"

She started to speak before Kendall interrupted. "Thanks, Mom, great job. Awesome."

"Ah, Kendall I'm just joking. She's beautiful." Stella noticed that Caroline didn't even address her.

"Uh, thanks." He answered for her. Stella mentally rolled her eyes. Everyone treated her like a child at these kinds of things, even Kendall.

"Now I just hope you don't end up like your sister...the poor thing."

Caroline must've noticed the confused look on Stella's face. Did Shiv finally tell everyone she was pregnant?

"Oh, dear, you don't have to worry about that." She looked at Stella's stomach. "Not with Kendall, anyway."

Stella's heart dropped. "I'm sorry?"

"Mom." Kendall said sternly. He looked pissed. "Stop."

Stella didn't know what to say. She was prepared for a few weird comments from Caroline, but that...that was not something she was expecting. She looked to Kendall, but for the first time in their relationship, he couldn't meet her gaze. Embarrassment reddened across his cheeks.

Before anyone could say anything else, Shiv grabbed Kendall's shoulder. "Hey, it's time."

He nodded, pushing past Caroline and Stella without saying goodbye.

"Well I guess I should find Kerry." Caroline smiled, walking away like she hadn't just dropped a bomb on Stella's life.

On her way to get her seat, Stella made unfortunate eye contact with Lukas, who winked. Things could not get any worse. As she sat down in a random pew, Stella's mind raced. Kendall had always insisted on using condoms. And he had kids, right? Sure, Sophie was adopted, but Iverson looked just like his parents. Stella realized she hadn't even seen the kids at the funeral. What was going on?

#kendall roy #kendall roy x oc #kendall roy x reader #succession

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elsfairy · 1 year

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➝ 𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒. (I'm just fucking emo, here)

You always felt like you didn't fit in anywhere. Even from the ages of 10+ you never felt like no one wanted you around. It was sad, actually. Being told by all the children you wished would let you join in with their games, that you were just boring and you were just weird.

The amount of times you've tried to remove those memories from your brain was easier said than done. You weren't a kid anymore, you were living your life. A life you sometimes wished would be easier. A life you wished sometimes just.. stopped. That was your feelings a few years go. Sometimes those thoughts crept up into your mind, even if you tried to not let them.

Then there is Sevika. Someone you trusted more than yourself. You never trusted yourself. Fuck, you didn't even trust your own family but you trusted her. You trusted her with everything you have.

❝You've been quiet for the past few days, is something bothering you?❞

It was a question you've always been asked, yet ignored because you trusted them more than your own answer. Always being told no one cared enough to listen to you. She knew you didn't go well with talking about your feelings, but she asked you everyday to make sure you were truly okay.

❝Is it the same thing as the other night?❞

Your girlfriend didn't have to try hard to find out what what was bothering you. She could always tell by the way you looked at her, either on the verge of tears, or anger. You were sad because no one has loved you like she does. No one has given you a chance like she has. You were angry because of how upset and broken you felt. Of being treated like something someone throws away after using it once.

❝I don't feel good enough Vika❞

No matter how upset you became, she was instantly right there with you. Holding you, stroking your hair and reassuring you that you were more than enough. That you are worth fighting for. She hated how broken they made you feel, how fragile you've become because of being pushed away. How used you feel.

❝I know that you don't believe me but, I mean it when I tell you that you are perfect the way you are. Any bad day you have, I'm going to be right here, telling you that you're doing perfectly fine. I will be here to let you know that im proud of you and I love you❞

You never had a chance to interject with your own arguments because she didn't let you. Sevika didn't like the way you spoke about yourself. She refused to listen to you put yourself down. She didn't see you that way. She's always seen you as strong, caring, gentle, kind, amazing. Even if you did deal with your own problems, to her you were strong because you are still here. You are still here, with her.

❝Vika⎯❞

❝Don't do that. Do not say that you're not good enough. You've always been good enough. You're always going to be enough. You're worth it. You are allowed to love, you are allowed to be loved. Do you know why? because i love you. I love you so much and it breaks my heart when you think these things. You are my weakness, but you're also my happiness and i need you here. I will go through every single bad day with you if it means i still wake up with you in my arms. I need you here, do you get it? i cannot be without you, but i hate how broken they've made you feel.❞

Sevika wasn't a crier, but when it came to you she's crying with you and for you. She wasn't ever worried about how tight you were holding onto her, it was more that she was scared you were going to pass out from how much you cry. Years of struggles and worries bottled up until you can't handle it. That's what scared her the most when you cried.

❝I'll never hurt you, Sweetheart. I will murder anyone who tries to hurt you. I will do anything and everything to make you feel safe. I will always protect you, even on your good days. As long at it means you are still here when i wake up, because i love you❞

❝i love you❞

idk, i listened to some sad song and came up with this.

#sevika imagine #sevika x you #arcane sevika #sevika #sevika x reader #currently sobbing idk

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livingwithmbc · 2 years

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Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC)

The past few years have been rocky to put it mildly, not just as a nation or planet, but also personally.

I'm creating this space to share periodic updates and glimpses into what it's like living with metastatic breast cancer (referred to as MBC going forward because I'm lazy and don't like typing it every time) and whatever else I feel like. I don't promise to post consistently, only as I find it helpful and have the time and energy. I do, however, promise to be real, honest, crass, and vulnerable about my experiences. I curse like a sailor and if that isn't for you, no hard feelings, but this may not be the space for you, and that's perfectly okay. I don't particularly enjoy writing, nor am I great at it, but I recognize its value and how cathartic it can be. I've always been a naturally private person as I enjoy my quiet life, but there's nothing private about having BC. Appointment after I'm appointment I remove my shirt and bra as it seems like just about every medical professional needs to feel my breast lump. Just as cancer has invaded my breast, medical traumas began invading my life. Privacy seems almost comical these days, and I was living in denial while thinking I could do this all on my own without needing the support of my friends and family. I was very wrong. I didn't (and still don't) want pity from others. Life never promised to be fair. We don't choose the cards life deals us, but it's up to us to play the hell out of those cards, and I've got a killer poker face. So ask me the questions and I'll respond when I can. This is not a journey in which it's helpful to go it alone and if anything, it's detrimental to try. Something else noteworthy is that I have ADHD (thanks, dad!). As someone with ADHD, my brain jumps around. A lot. This is evident when talking with me but also in my writing as well. Bear with me and welcome to the shitshow.

For those of you that don't know me well (or perhaps at all), I turned 33 last month and work as a mental health counselor in Indiana. I've been married to my saint of a spouse for just shy of a decade and he's been my rock. In 2020, I was gearing up to graduate with my master's in clinical mental health counseling with plans to begin our family shortly thereafter. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans.

During the summer of 2020, my spouse was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma at age 30, after being short of breath for no clear reason, and being gaslit by medical professionals for several months about not feeling well. To say this was a shock was an understatement. Only old people get cancer, I thought, not seemingly healthy and active 30-year-olds. Our plans to begin trying to conceive were temporarily tabled as the focus shifted to my husband's health. I was devastated but chanted the mantra, "this too shall pass". We were told we had to wait at least 2 years to try to have kids due to the intense medications and treatments he was on. He spent months doing aggressive rounds of chemo, all while working almost full time. To say he's my hero would be putting it mildly. It's been about 2 years since his diagnosis and I'm thrilled to report he's still in remission!

Fast forward to early 2022. I noticed some dimpling under one of my breasts, but genuinely didn't think too much of it. Historically speaking, I've never been an overly anxious person, and typically don't worry much until there's truly something to worry about. My spouse encouraged me to schedule an appointment ASAP (he's the worrier). I already had an OB appointment upcoming so I planned to discuss the dimpling then as my neurodivergent brain couldn't handle making more phone calls for appointments and things. Unfortunately, the doctor felt a lump (I couldn't) and the ensuing weeks and months would prove to be an overwhelming whirlwind of fears, appointments, and uncertainties.

I like to think I have a good sense of humor, even if it's dark (I'd argue you have to have dark humor to survive in the mental health field). On Friday the 13th of May I was told my breast biopsy confirmed the worst: I have invasive ductile carcinoma. Jason was nowhere in sight but I would have been more accepting of his existence than me having cancer. I'll never forget the look of pity on the nurse's face delivering that news. I could tell she was going out of her way to try and make me feel better about the diagnosis, saying things along the lines of, "it was caught early, you won't die. You'll be fine." I remember taking the news surprisingly well and not being too phased by it. "I'm going to kick cancer's ass," I thought. I'm stubbornly determined when I set my mind to a task and cancer was no different in my mind. Mind over matter, as they say. Hell, I was even given a BC swag bag on my way out the door. I quickly got scheduled with an oncologist who set up scans, blood draws, the whole gambit. Getting breast cancer at 32 was jarring for the medical providers around me given that I have no family history of breast cancer. Genetic testing was order and I learned that I have an ATM genetic mutation, pre-disposing me to breast cancer and a handful of other cancers. The results were bittersweet as it provided answers to the "why" of cancer early in life, but shifted the initial surgery treatment plan to opting for a double mastectomy. I was generally still in high spirits, and made light of it all, joking about getting a shiny new rack as a silver lining of a shitty situation. When life gives you lemons, make tittyaide, I said. As scan results began to roll in, the plan abruptly shifted. A suspicious spot was found on my sternum and a biopsy confirmed the worst: the cancer had already spread to my sternum, meaning I was now dealing with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, a completely different beast than when BC is caught early. Surgery got cancelled and starting endocrine therapy ASAP was the new plan to try and shrink the tumors. I had no idea that multiple types of BC exist, all with different treatment implications. My specific type is ER/PR+, HER2-, meaning, my cancer feeds off my hormones. The treatment? Reduce the estrogen in my body as quickly as possible and transition me into menopause, thus stifling the cancer's fuel source. In all this scary news, the thing I mourned the deepest (and still do) is the uphill journey I will face to becoming a mom. Chemo made my spouse sterile and I am unable to carry a pregnancy as I cannot stop treatment long enough to sustain a pregnancy. People mean well when they offer comments like, "you can adopt!" but I'm here to tell you how painful and invalidating that response is. There is lifelong grief associated with infertility for those that want biological children. Even if we are able to pursue foster to adoption (the only "affordable" option to becoming a parent), I will always grieve not getting the experience of being pregnant and having biological kids. As cliché as it is, it's true that you don't always realize how badly you want something until it's no longer an option.

MBC, unlike early onset BC, is considered incurable. It's not an instant death sentence, but any doctor will let you know that it's essentially terminal, meaning it's a slow death. Living with MBC is a very, very different experience as there is no end in sight unlike many other cancer experiences. I will be in treatment for the rest of my life. The statistics for long-term survival aren't great, but I know I'm much more than a statistic. My goal is to live the most fulfilling life I can for as long as I can, and I hope that means I'll be around for a very long time. There's nothing like the threat of dying to make you appreciate each and every day, including the people in your life, the jobs, the pets, nature, etc. I believe maintaining a positive mindset while looking for learning opportunities is so important in overcoming any obstacles in life and I am so incredibly thankful for all those that have shown their love and support. If you read all of my ramblings, thank you for your patience. Take time to appreciate and express gratitude for the good things in your life. No matter how bad the circumstances may be, there is always something to be grateful for. <3

#breast cancer #metastatic breast cancer #nonhodgkins #lymphoma #atm #genetic mutation #hereditary cancer #infertility #compassion #medical trauma #mysogyny #adult adhd #gratitude #mental health #griefjourney #cancer #hereditary

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fortunesrevolver · 7 months

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So... life sucks right now.

Not only is my disability application still pending (November will be month 10 since I applied. Isn't waiting for the government to process things FUN?) But life is just... hard. And complicated.

My dad is currently going through ECT treatment because he's very resistant to medication for his depression. If you don't know what that is... honestly, I just snatched this summary from Google because I don't have the mental spoons to break it down right now:

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT for short) is a treatment that involves sending an electric current through your brain. This causes a brief surge of electrical activity within your brain (also known as a seizure). The aim is to relieve severe symptoms of some mental health problems.

It's honestly not an uncommon treatment, and apparently a very successful and common one for patients who, like my dad, are resistant to medication.

The issue is, one of the side effects for this are memory loss. So right now, dad can't work. And his memory is just... awful right now. He's forgetting a lot of things from the past few months (let alone past few days or weeks) and it's just... a mess. Mom and I are doing the best we can to keep it together and keep things going... Taking him to his appointments (that are god-awful early in the morning) making sure someone is always home with him...

But it's hard. It's hard when he took on so many responsibilities like submitting payments for bills and such on his own and always assured us he had it when we offered to help.

To be clear, my dad is not at all a bad or controlling person. He just took pride in being able to take care of his family. It was one of the things he felt like he could control against his depression. Taking care of us was sort of his... anti-depression isn't the right word. But it's what kept him going. That's how he'd always explain it. We'd always just do whatever we could to support him and try to everything else easier for him. (Though in retrospect, I guess that's just how families are supposed to work. Taking care of each other as best you can.)

But right now it's so hard... He's not himself at all... and all of these symptoms can take up to 6 months to fully heal, and that's after treatment finishes (which has about... 2 weeks left, I think? It depends, really. There's a range and everyone is different.)

He's my dad and I love him a lot... but it's hard. It's hard to see him get confused or forget very basic things like the voice command for the lights he was so pleased with when he set up. Or watching a TV show one day and then immediately watching it again the day after because he doesn't remember watching it. Or that a bill set up for automatic payments will got through and he'll see it show up on the bank accounts he unconsciously remembers to check, but doesn't know what it's for, and then we scramble to not only make sure something wild didn't happen, but assure him everything is okay.

And, reading back over this post, it seems like such a small problem from an outside perspective. I'm barely touching the tip of the iceberg, but I know there's people out here that are dealing with similar circumstances ten-fold and probably handling it with way more grace than I am.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I try to help as best I can, but my dad has always been a bit of a stubborn man. Not cruelly stubborn, but stubborn about being the strong, independent one. And he can't do that right now... but he's still trying to.

I can only try to pick up whatever pieces I can with my mom and make things work as best we can.

But it's still a mess and complicated and I feel like I'm just a horrible daughter for venting like this.

#nao rants #life problems #ect treatment #ect #I just have to be stronger.#Even if it's only for a little while.#I'll be stronger and better.#For mom and dad.

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angelican-sadness · 1 year

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Updates 6/6/23

Hey tumblr. It’s been a while. So much has happened in my life. I left a relationship I didn’t want to be a part of for months. Neither one of us were happy for a while. It was for the best. I met someone new who treats me like the queen I am. I severed the relationship between my mom and I. I started therapy. I signed a lease with a friend to move out of a house that I share with my ex and our friends. I’m unhappy living there and leaving would help keep my friendships the way they are and make me and everyone else more comfortable in their living situation. I just want a clean house and the bills paid on time. I don’t ask for much and my friend saying I’m a dictator kind of hurt so it’s just best if i go so nothing hurtful gets said again. Living together can be hard. Paying bills on time and cleaning up after yourself is just part of being an adult and shouldn’t be so hard. I can’t wait to move in with my new roommate because we are on the same page about that. I value my friendships with my current roommates so much that I don’t want living together to tear us apart. I love them all dearly.

Life is so good, but also so bad and I just need to write it down to get it off my chest. I am a lot happier than I used to be, but still the same sad girl deep inside. I wish my mom and I could have a healthy relationship because I miss my brother. She won’t let him contact me or my sister and is claiming it’s because of DHS, but she’s just trying to brainwash him into thinking she’s the best person ever and his enemies are us. She’s absolutely insane. All I’m doing is trying to live a peaceful life and all she does is bring me down. I accepted who I am and I love who I am. I spent most of my life wishing I could be someone else, not realizing it’s because of the constant comparisons to other people. She’d say “I’m proud of you” on social media, but behind the scenes, she would always say “I wish you were more like ___” I can’t handle the fake imagery to show other people we don’t even know how “good” it is when it’s never good. I wish her well and I hope she gets the help that she needs, but now it’s time for me to grieve this loss and accept that the relationship between us will never again be the same. We bonded over substance abuse. Now that I’ve gotten away from that, I’ve woken up and can think clearly for myself. I can finally see things for what they are, not for the fake altered reality of that “picture perfect” family that facebook sees.

I’m tired of people being so hard on me. I realize that I’m very hard on myself and it’s probably because others are very hard on me sometimes. Lately, I’ve altered plans or had a drink here and there and as much as I love my sister, I feel like she’s very hard on me about those things. My mom always said “I take care of everything, so a drink here and there is okay.” She drinks way more than me and hardly works so her statement isn’t true to herself, but it’s true for me. I hate using that statement because it reminds me of her, but I do take care of everything I need to, work very hard, and never lose focus. I spend at least 85% of my weeks sober these days. I had a couple drinks at a show recently and went to pee a few times. My sister said “damn again? Maybe you should stop drinking.” I’m very responsible and just don’t want to be judged anymore. I’ve come a long way from all of the substance abuse I did to numb my brain in the past that I feel like a drink or two here and there is harmless. I do what I can to not lose control. I just enjoy letting loose sometimes and I just want to enjoy my life. I changed the camping plans and she’s upset with me for coming a couple hours later to accommodate my boyfriend coming with me. I get that this is a new relationship, but I’ve never had someone treat me this way. He so gentle and kind towards me. Everything about this feels so right. I just want him to be there camping with us, so I’m coming just a little later. Nothing too crazy and she’s sad because he can’t drive separately since his car is messed up right now. Idk if the roles were flipped, I’d be like “okay cool. I’m excited to go regardless.” I just don’t get why everyone is so hard on me all the time..

With this new relationship, this is the most comfortable I’ve ever felt before. I’ve never once been nervous on a first date, but with this one, I was so nervous. I was shaking and drank too much that night from the nerves. I ended up spending the night after and he respected me not wanting to have sex. I went so long feeling obligated or doing what I could to just avoid sex entirely that I was scared to say no, but he made it very easy. There has been absolutely no pressure at all to be different or be forced into something I don’t want to do and it’s a wonderful change of pace. I’ve noticed a few things that are different about myself since meeting Josh too. I’m more comfortable with discussing feelings, admitting that I cry, and just having feelings in general. I’ve repressed my feelings for most of my life so learning how to feel things and show it is very hard for me, but I’m so comfortable that it’s helping me learn how. I had a panic attack at his house and he was so nice to me the whole time. I struggle with being taken care of or relying on someone else, but he makes it so easy. I trust him and I like that he enjoys being there for me. I can truly see myself falling hopelessly in love with this guy and I couldn’t be happier. He came into my life at a time where all I wanted was to spend time alone especially because I just got out of a relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything, but I got blindsided by the purest form of love I’ve ever felt and I couldn’t be more thankful.

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perplexingluciddreams · 2 years

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this question was really hard to put into words, so if you need clarification just let me know (like it took days to weeks for my brain to form the words 🧐frustrating)

what would you say are things that you appreciate about the way your family/parents responded and handled your regression (+continue too,) would you or them have advice for parents/guardians of their kids (not only children, just as their spawn) maybe what advice would you or them give to other parents/guardians

this might be pretty personal, so if you prefer not to answer don’t worry :D

just wondering, bc my parents are confused (me too lmao) as too how to handle regression of speech and daily living skills.

also ableism hurts. don’t like being compared to an animal whether is was a ‘joke’ or not. (except maybe for cats. me being a cat is my end goal in life /j but also /hj)

-🍋

It’s very hard to put things into words, I understand. I’ve recently felt this a lot (which is also why it’s taken me a few days to answer this). I had to think about how to write it.

This is a difficult question to answer because as much as my parents are fantastic now, there were a lot of things in the past that were not so great. I don’t place blame on them, but I really struggled for a really long time, and a lot of the support I have now is something I needed much sooner. Unfortunately I was unable to communicate that to them until I got access to AAC (and even now it takes so much work for me to communicate- this tumblr is how I tell my mum a lot of things as I’m able to take my time to write and “borrow” words from others- and how I write on here is not an accurate representation of my communication in daily life).

Right now I am at the point where I have lost so many skills and abilities, that it is impossible for them not to notice it. I need so much care and help with basically everything. But I struggled for years and years as a child and that was never really noticed. So it took me getting to a certain level of inability to even be able to begin expressing what was happening to me (which is especially difficult when you yourself do not understand what’s going on).

(Also I should mention somewhere in here that my physical health plays a big part too, and a lot of the autistic catatonia symptoms I have were assumed to be due to that for some time).

I had a conversation over text with my mum about this ask to help me answer it. These are some things she said: “I think sometimes it is hard to see the wood for the trees. A lot of you just being generally quiet/introverted was seen as that and not communication issues. If I could have identified it I would have done everything in my power to change it. I never could have imagined that you couldn’t tell me.”

What she said when I asked about advice for other parents is this: “It is hard for me to comment other than make others aware that whether someone is speaking or non speaking they may not be able to tell you what they desperately want you to know. I never knew that could be a possibility and so my thinking never included that as a possibility.”

I’m so grateful for my parents and how much they help me now but I won’t pretend it has all been “smooth sailing”. It has been very difficult. The thing I appreciate most is their willingness to listen and learn from me, even though a lot of the things I am able to communicate now go completely against what they thought to be true when I was a child.

I hope I answered this okay, I have been struggling a lot with words and communication and articulating all my feelings about this was hard. If you want me to answer in a more specific way (like what specific things my parents do and say when I am “frozen”, or what things I get help with throughout the day, how they respond to my tics, etc., I can do that too, but I might need more time).

Hopefully this is what you meant :) is the end part something I said or just unrelated? Sorry if I said something wrong. I like cats too but animals make me anxious.

#anon ask #🍋 anon #autism #autistic #nonverbal #nonspeaking #high support needs #disability #autistic catatonia #autism regression

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blooming-anna-rose · 2 years

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“Random things: Back at school, my roommates laughter and this sleepy coastal town reminds me how this is my home. We have our weekly survivor nights, our neighbors tell us stories so funny we laugh till our ribs hurt. I run in the afternoons and think of how far I have come in a year, hurting for the past me but thankful to be who I am now. I am turning 20 next month and I am scared (of course I am always scared to get older, sometimes I still don’t think I am strong enough to be alive) but I think I know now that expecting nothing to go wrong is useless, that a false sense of security is naive and all that matters is who I have around me in hard times and how I handle things going awry. It is pointless to try and control anything but my environment and my behavior. I still get angry about the past, and I hate how I treat myself and my family for some things because I forget that no one is perfect and it is foolish to expect others to know the right way of living. It is everyone’s first time living life. I am so thankful for my health, for my brain, I am taking anatomy and physiology and am in wonder of how our bodies work. My brother recently asked me, incredulously after a few beers before we went paragliding in Switzerland, “You still believe in god?” And I had to respond, tell him that I don’t believe that life was an accident, that biology is too incredible, too nuanced and complicated for it to have been put together with no help. I told him that I cannot listen to a pastor, but I still believe in a creator, and he accepted my belief after that. I think my oldest sister is my favorite person and sometimes it makes me want to cry how much she has been through without a sister like her. I don’t speak to my middle sister and it hurts too much to think about, I still don’t know what life would look like if we tried to be in each others again. My roommates are the reason I love my life as much as I do, each one of them is a reason I can get up in the morning, each of them teaches me something. Clare reminds me that it is okay to be hard to be loved, that I do not have to be as easy and small as possible to be loved. She teaches me how to have standards for friendships, how to accept friends where they are but also how to make judgements without taking people at their word, but with their actions as well. Gabi teaches me how to love wordlessly, to listen not just hear, to live life with my own morals and not waver to fit in or look cool. She reminds me how to live life for the long run, not for the easiest thrill. Sophia shows me everyday how to be yourself, to have your own set of life’s problems but still belly laugh at a dad joke, whole heartedly loving life and simultaneously whole heartedly having a broken heart. I think I show others how to be vulnerable, to be brave in brokenness and striving to always be better, to be aware of mistakes and regrets and learning to live with those. I hope I show others that no one is perfect, but that loving those around you is one of the sweetest things of life. I am thinking about my future, how I will take a gap year and build up my experience before I go back to school so one day I can help bandage up other people, so one day I can be a professional. But I also want to be secure, I want to be able to support myself and others, I want to put my head down for the next 5 years and not think about anything but succeeding. I do not want to contribute to the world anything but positive change. I’ve get angry how I performed academically last year, I am angry how I didn’t do as well as I wanted because I didn’t know how to be alive while being in so much pain and school was the least important thing on my mind, yet the disappointment about a lower grade still killed me. I get angry for being 19 and not having my mom call me until she had to tell me about my grandmas cancer, about no one visiting me in my college town, about feeling abandoned by my family for the past 4 years and searching for comfort in all the wrong things. And that anger, I told clare, I think is healthy.

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ener-chi · 2 years

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Life update! TLDR; New job, Odinn and Runic Magic, Stimulation, and More!

So I did end up getting a new job! I work for a company that helps people with mental disabilities to become fully independent on their own. I'm a care coordinator, and I drive out and help people do things like shopping, meal planning, cleaning, skills training, med support, etc.

Ngl, I was REALLLYYY nervous when I first started this job. As you know, I'm incredibly sensitive to energy, and I was going to be working with people that have a LOTT of very heavy emotions and energies.

Most of the people I work with suffer from things like schizoaffective disorder, bipolar, depression, things like that. And a lot of them at one point were homeless, and some have suffered from drug addiction as well. Not to mention, the world has not always been as kind to people with mental disabilities as we are now (and that's saying something) so they all typically have emotional baggage and trauma as well.

So yeah. Veryy nervous as to how I was going to interact with all of that heavy energy. To my surprise, I have been handling it INCREDIBLY well. Like... it's like I discovered this inner strength that I didn't know I had. My people-pleasing bad habits have all completely gone away, and the anxiety that I would normally get from negative energy and drama is no longer.

Blegh. I'm still having a hard time articulating it but. I feel strong. I'm not completely unaffected, though. At the end of the day, I spend some time meticulously cleaning and cleansing my energy and my aura. Even though it doesn't affect me deeply, I can still feel the energy in my aura. I also spend extra time doing self care and maintenance to make sure that I'm grounded enough so that I don't become shaken by the storm that is my job.

I can say with 100% certainty that I would not have been able to do this job a few months ago. Hell, not even a month ago. My Master's Reiki Attunement really kicked me into gear for this.

I'm grateful. I actually love my job. It's only 25 hours a week, 1 full day and 2 half days. I work independently, with a company car and gear. I have decent down time.

But most importantly, I genuinely love helping these people so much. It's so special to me that I get to directly help people who are in such great a need. I get to connect with them and help them through probably the hardest parts of their lives. And it makes me happy knowing that I get to be a part of touching someone else's life in a meaningful way.

In other news, I did start working with Odinn. We've worked together in the past, but never formally. Before I got my new job, there was a week where I was seeing him and ravens constantly. Finally, he approached me and told me he wanted to work together more formally. We both have similar goals in terms of knowledge, and it would be beneficial for us both to work together.

Part of our agreement is that he would teach me some runic magic. I already knew some from the astral and from working with Skadi, but he really gave me an upgrade.

He's also been teaching me some new runes that kind of work like sigils... kind of. He taught me one for protection that has been especially helpful with my new job, and really works. If I get the okay, maybe I'll share these new runes someday.

I've also felt really... overstimulated, lately. Like... my brain. I realized that my brain was constantly craving stimulation, a side-effect of the media that is always being pushed at us.

I took a break from it when I went camping and now that my brain is understimulated (or just Normal, ig) it's hard for me to want to go back. Like... don't get me wrong. My brain WANTS to go and watch videos and memes and doom scroll and play various games, but... at the same time, it's all so exhausting, ya know? I've been unplugging a lot and doing a shit ton of meditation lately and it has been working wonders for me.

Anywho, I think that's it for now, cuz this post is really long. Once I stop training at work, I'm gonna do more with my readings. Thanks to everyone who has engaged with my paid services so far (a lot of you!). I'm probably going to do some advertising and promoting to see if I can get that going a bit more - which usually means free readings. So stay tuned ((:

I hope that everyone has a good night!

Blessings!

#mine #journal #9.21.22 #about me #path #od #cl #runes #futhark

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manicpixieirl · 9 months

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august 15, 2023

Today was a hard day. It didn’t start out that way, but it ended up veering off course, deviating from the plan.

Now that I’m at the day’s tail end, I can see that it was just a hard day, not very, very hard. I think I made it a little harder than it needed to be.

I had a plan, I had a plan, I had a plan. Life had another plan.

This morning, I ran over a rock, popped my back-right tire on my way out of town, and have essentially been crying since 9:30 in the morning. As I type this, it’s 8pm and I’ve finally settled down.

The aforementioned tire is not a metaphorical tire on the car of life- I deadass popped a tire on my ‘09 accord and it sent me into a spiral that has had me looking for reasons to cry all day long.

All day my brain has felt like a toilet bowl and my thoughts kept circling the drain of this shit morning -

Why me?

Why now?

Of course this would happen.

How could I have avoided that?

While I was busy beating myself up, my mom was in the other room, trying to help me come up with solutions when she could have been enjoying her vacation.

My mom, dad, and youngest brother came to visit for the week and I should have been happy to get a few more hours in with them while we waited on AAA. Instead, I was in the kitchen, beating myself up and feeling useless.

I kept telling her I was sorry for crying and freaking out, that I didn’t know what was wrong or why I was so upset. I had handled so many car breakdowns on my own before this.

How am I 27 and crying to mommy over a flat tire? Why am I upset about needing to spend money I know I have? Why am I giving a rock - a fucking rock (a thing that neither lives nor breathes) - this type of control over my day?

That’s because it wasn’t about the tire. It wasn’t about the rock.

I had felt a depressive low creeping in the night before; I went to bed at 8:30, that’s how I can normally predict the downshift in my mood from balanced to depressed.

I was so tired, then I woke up tired, and then I hit a rock.

I could feel this small deviation from my expectations of the day making me sink even lower, further within myself and away from the person who was trying to help me. I’m sorry, mom.

I kept telling myself I was

Stupid.

I’m so stupid.

When I should have been saying

Sad.

I’m so sad.

It’s hard to write right now, I want to be in bed, I want to be asleep, but I also owe it to myself to write about my day rather than forget it. I owe it to the people who are reading this blog. This is what a low day looks like; confusing stupid for sad.

How can I learn from it? I don’t know if I can. I think there will always be days where I feel stupid when I am really just sad. That’s a part of being me, being able to look back at my day and say “Man, I think that blown-out tire was harder to handle today because I am feeling low.”

Tomorrow is a new day, and I might pop another tire, and it might make me sad, but it’s okay to be sad.

I can’t just say, “that was hard, I was low,” and move on.

Instead I’ll say,

“That was hard,

I was low,

I forgive myself for being sad, sad, so sad,

and thank you mom for finding solutions when I couldn’t see past my tears.”

#manic depressive #medmanagement #mental heath support #mentalhealthblog #mentalhealthsupport #recovery

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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12/3/22

I don't want to write this. I'm just... I'm really overwhelmed right now. Every creak and bump in the apartment building I jump and my heart races. I don't feel safe. I don't know how else to put it. This is, from my understanding, a PTSD response. Like in a movie where a military vet jumps and freaks out when they hear fireworks or something. This is because I was abused a few hours ago. I don't want to talk about it, but I understand why it's happening now, which is... well it doesn't fix it, but it helps me at least understand that this isn't something wrong with me. This isn't a malfunction in my brain, this isn't chemical misfires, this isn't me being broken and needing to fix something. This is me actually not being safe, having been in an unsafe environment and suffered harm, and my body really not knowing where the next strike is going to come from in my weakened state.

It's because it's psychological and emotional pain. The best I can figure. Physical pain is much easier to identify these responses to, I speak from experience. If you've been following this for a while, you probably know my shin story. If not, let me really nutshell the fuck out of it. TLDR: Blood clot in my shin, ER tried to amputate, I got a second opinion and saved the leg. That has a lot of layers to it, you know... but the physical side. I get really cautious about shin injuries now, I'm very hyper-aware of those. I fuuuuckin woooonder whyyyy. Makes sense, right? Because I know how bad those can get, how dangerous they can be, and it was some of the worst pain I've been in in my life. Hands down. Hard to forget that, the body and mind do not want to go through that again.

Now, imagine that shin pain was... emotional pain. Or a reaction to loud noises. Where it like... makes you re-live those traumatic moments, even hypothetically, even... reflexively? Subconsciously? I'm struggling to find good words, like... without your conscious awareness. Like... last night I heard the same bumps and creaks coming from the floor above and I had zero reflexive jumps. I just noticed the sound, went "oh, its the upstairs neighbors" and went back to sleep. But now, since I'm freshly wounded, one pop of a wooden beam and it's like those old doctor's rubber mallets to the nerve in your knee and my whole fucking body jumps and a tiny gnome in my chest cavity throws the "Adrenaline Emergency Release" valve. That's where I've been the past...3 hours? After the crying, frustration and outrage ran its course.

I hate this. And honestly, all I want is someone to just curl up on a mattress with me and hold me and watch some videos or something and just go, "it's okay, it's over now, you're safe." That's all, that is literally heaven to me. But, to be completely blunt, at times like this... I feel like bringing my life into the life of another - aka dating - is like... dropping a giant flaming bag of shit onto their doorstep. It's the answer to pretty much every problem I have, but my... mercy? I don't know, something like that holds me back.

Before I rabbithole on that, I just want to - for the sake of my own therapeutic work that I'm doing right now - label that for what it is. That is me being insecure. I'm gonna go over to my Needs meters again, fuck it. Thank you, video games, for putting psychology into an easily understandable interactive visual medium.

Food - Ate as much buffalo mac and cheese as my tight as a knot stomach could handle (8/10) Water - Watered down all-natural lemonade with stevia, lips finally not chapped after like a full week, pissing clear (9/10) Sleep - Slept beautifully last night, but it is past 1AM so... (3/10, but any other day this week it would've been a 1/10 at this time of night) So, what does that leave? Yep. Confidence. My confidence is shattered. I feel... worthless. Nope, worse. I feel like I'm on fire. I feel like I'm a problem. I feel radioactive. I feel like if I were to make eye-contact with someone in the hallway on my way out to the parking lot, it would make their day worse. And since I can't really identify why that would happen, it's pretty clear this is because of earlier. And, as you could imagine, this creates a pretty vicious cycle... because I don't know anyone up here and having my confidence replenished by others is like... the absolute best remedy for times like this. So, if I'm convinced that I'm just going to make peoples' lives worse, I avoid even commonplace interactions. I never get replenished. Deeper down the spiral I go. I just got out of several years of this cycle, with multiple self-absorbed people. It almost destroyed me. Now I am here, and I'm kinda quaking in my boots. I'm scared I'll meet another one of them. I'm scared that in my desperate loneliness and need for social affection, I'll naively overlook warning signs and become a thrall again. Dark shit, huh?

So, yeah. Not a great night. XD I did go to the grocery store. It was weird and overwhelming. Maybe I should wear a mask just for my own sense of well-being, I have no idea what I should be doing, I haven't been in a city in like over a decade. I considered getting an orchid, I heard they're actually easier to grow than people make them seem and they're absolutely gorgeous, but I decided I wanted to put off my plant purchases until I could go to like an actual nursery place and talk to someone about what I'm looking to do as a beginner. And so they can give me a rundown on what the specific plants' needs are. But I did get a lot of what I was looking for, namely an LED nightlight for my bathroom which is very helpful because the only light in there is synced with a really loud fan.

And I worked on my hoodie a bit and got really good work done. In fact, fucking I don't care about getting to bed at a reasonable hour, I'm so tired of stressing about this shit. I want to get the rest of my work done on this hoodie, I've wanted to work on it for like 5 days now and I only got to work on it for like an hour and a half today. Like... I was in a stupid fight about a fucking car for longer than I got to do work today. Fucking come on. So yeah, I'm gonna put on some chill music and knock out the rest of that, then go get ready for bed.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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xutokawa · 3 years

Note

aahh the s/o finding scratch marks is fulfilling my angst needs 😭🤚🏽 could u maybe do one with bokuto & suna 🥺 i love your writing so much!! xx

pairings: suna x reader, bokuto x reader

genre(s): fluff to angst, cheating

warnings: langauge, cheating

wc: 2.3k

» masterlist

a/n: thank you for your support! I tried adding more plot to it this time hehe. breaking bokuto’s heart broke mine bro :( hope you like it! also TYSM GUYS FOR 200 FOLLOWERS FDJSKF i love every single one of yu :D <3 mwah mwah mwah

atsumu and oikawa ver.

osamu and iwazumi ver.

kuroo and sakusa ver.

akaashi and hinata ver.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Suna

“Rin, hand me the soy sauce,” you asked, not looking up from the dish you were stir frying.

“Get it yourself,” Suna teased back. Rolling your eyes, you stuck out your hand. Laughing, Suna came up behind you, placing the bottle of soy sauce in your hands before wrapping his arms around your waist. His hands snuck under your shirt, laying on your bare stomach. You leaned back into his chest, sighing contently. The two of you rarely had time together anymore. While you were burying yourself in your work in hopes for a promotion, Suna was busy with practices that extended throughout the whole day. Both of you were exhausted by the time you came home to your apartment together, unable to muster the energy to do anything except fall asleep in each other’s arms.

“Mmm, you smell good,” Suna said, taking a deep breath into your neck.

“I think that’s the fried rice you’re smelling,” you joked back. Butterflies stormed your stomach as Suna’s hands gently massaged your sides. Even after living with the middle blocker for three years, he never failed to make you feel like a crushing high school student. Suddenly, Suna’s gentle hands grew antsy, teasingly tickling your sides. Jumping, you tell him, “Rin, stop! I’m going to spill something!”

“I think I’ll keep going,” Suna teased back, his hands continuing to tickle you. With one poke to your side, your entire body jerked, causing the soy sauce in your hand to fling into the air, and onto Suna’s shirt.

“Y/n! I really liked this shirt!” Suna whined.

“That’s your fault, baby. I told you to stop,” you shrugged, laughing at his expression.

“Whatever, I’m going to go change,” Suna pouted, turning away.

As you finished cooking, you went into your shared bedroom to tell Suna dinner was ready. You were stopped in your tracks, however, when you saw his changing form. Back to you, long scratch marks ran down the length of his back. Scratches that were not put there by you.

“R-rin, what is this?” You asked, voice beginning to waver.

Suna spun around, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.

“Y/n! Why didn’t you knock?” Suna nervously asked, rushing to push his t-shirt over his head, “It’s nothing, babe, just uh, got in a fight!”

“Are you sure it was a fight? Or was it a late night in someone else's bed?” You asked accusingly, brows furrowing. Would your Suna cheat on you? You had felt pretty secure about your relationship before now, never having a reason to doubt your trust in your boyfriend. Yet, you couldn’t find it in yourself to make excuses for the lines raked down his back.

Pain and guilt flashed across Suna’s eyes, and that’s when you knew. You were wrong to believe you gave him everything he needed in a relationship.

“Look, y/n, we can figure this out, just let me-” Suna began.

“Please, stop,” you choked out, eyes welling up with tears. The middle blocker felt his heart shatter watching you back away from him as if he were a plague.

“No, you don’t understand! I can’t lose you like this,” Suna said, walking towards you, wanting nothing more than to pull you in his arms and wipe your tears away. He stopped in his tracks, however, when you flinched away from his touch, hatred flickering in your eyes. At that moment, Suna felt like the scum of the earth.

“Please, get away from me. Get out of this room, get out of this apartment! I don’t need your excuses,” You said, voice raising. When you finally looked up to meet Suna’s eyes, you found nothing but despair and regret.

“No! I won’t leave you, y/n! You don’t understand how much I need-” Suna started.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Rintarou,” you scoffed. The pain in Suna’s chest grew at the use of his full name.

“I-it’s Rin. You always call me Rin. Please, call me Rin,” Suna pleaded, voice beginning to shake, “Stop distancing yourself from me. I’m your Rin. Please, don’t leave. I’m so sorry, let me make it up to you!”

“You’re a pathetic piece of shit, Rintarou! Cheating on me and then begging for me to stay and forgive you? Tell me, what was your plan? Did you just want a quick fuck one night? Or did you plan to keep cheating on me for the rest of our relationship?” You angrily walked towards him. Suna watched as the love you once held in your eyes for him turned into agony. He felt himself crumple knowing he was the sole cause of your anger and hurt.

“No! It was a mistake! Please, let me make it up to you,” Suna reached for your hands, desperate to have you with him.

“The only mistake that was made here was me trusting you,” You said, spinning around as you headed for the door. Suna physically flinched at your words, hurt and shame flooding his body. Panic filled his mind at the sound of your keys jingling and the sound of you putting on your shoes.

“Wait! Y/n, where are you going? Please don’t leave, it’s not safe for you to go out right now. Just stay and let us talk about it,” Suna pleaded, walking up behind you.

“I’d rather be anywhere but here with you right now,” you coldly replied, reaching out for the door handle. Suna rushed to stop you from turning the knob.

“Please, y/n, I can’t handle you leaving me,” Suna whispered.

“Just leave it, Suna. No amount of begging or love can fix my trust for you,” you replied, back towards his sobbing figure. Suna finally fell to his knees in defeat as you walked out of the apartment, knowing he lost you forever.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Bokuto

“Ugh, I’m so ready to just relax,” you sighed out, dramatically splaying your arms across the center console in your fiancé’s car. A tingle ran up your spine at the sound of Bokuto chuckling from beside you, not taking his eyes off the road. You could never get used to his laugh, no matter how many times you’ve heard it.

“I know, baby. You deserve it,” Bokuto replied, taking one hand off the steering wheel to place on your thigh, giving a light squeeze. The two of you had been insanely busy the month leading up to this trip. From your boss’ unrelenting demands at work to your family’s constant nagging and opinions on your wedding decorations, the two of you just needed to catch a break. So, when Bokuto brought up the idea of a weekend beach trip, you immediately agreed, jumping up and down in excitement.

The beaming sun immediately warmed your skin as you stepped out of the car. Warmth spread through your body as you glanced back at Bokuto as he started pulling out your stuff from the trunk, looking up to flash you his smile you had fallen in love with ages ago.

“You go on ahead and find a spot for us, I’ll follow in a second,” Bokuto called out to you. Giving a thumbs up, you started towards the gleaming ocean, excitement filling your body as you felt the sand beneath your feet. Finally, choosing a spot, you unfolded your beach chair, spreading your towel across the top. A smile settled on your face as you laid down, sunglasses shielding your eyes from the harsh rays. Your eyes drifted closed, the sounds of waves crashing and children giggling putting you in a serene state.

Bokuto chuckled at your appearance before setting up his own beach chair next to you, situating a beach umbrella between the two chairs. He felt his heart speed up as he gazed at your relaxing figure, wanting nothing more than to cover your face in kisses. The spiker felt so much love for you, so he felt nothing but confusion as to how he woke up in another person’s bed two nights ago, naked. His adoration for you was replaced with guilt. Bokuto still hadn’t figured out how to approach the situation, how to tell you without you breaking off the engagement. He wanted nothing more than to watch you walk down the aisle in a few months, than to have children running around the two of you as you prepared dinner, than to grow old with you by his side. Bokuto was still unsure of what happened that night to cause him to slip out of a random person’s apartment in his clothes from the previous night.

The spiker was shook from his thoughts at the sound of your voice.

“Are you going into the water?” you asked, looking up at him.

“Yeah, I think I will just to cool off,” Bokuto replied, pulling his shirt over his head.

“Okay, I’ll join you in a bit, I just want to lay for a little longer,” you replied to him, closing your eyes again.

“Okay, baby. Take your time,” Bokuto said, placing a kiss on your forehead before starting towards the water. You giggled as you watched your fiancé run towards the ocean. Your laughter quickly died, however, once you saw his back.

Your eyes widen with a mixture of shock and confusion, racking your brain for an explanation for the long, red strips that lined your fiance's back, but, no matter how hard you thought, nothing came up. The past month had been too hectic for the two of you to ever get close to intimate. Tears began pricking your eyes as the realization that Bokuto had cheated on you settled in your mind.

Does he know he has scratch marks on his back? Is this his subtle way of telling me he wants to end this? That I wasn’t enough for him?

As soon as Bokuto hit the ocean, the salty water stung his back. His initial confusion as to where the pain came from was quickly replaced with realization. He shot up at the water, turning to watch you get up from your seat.

Maybe they didn’t see, he hoped. His hopes, however, were quickly crushed as his heart dropped to his feet. You began to gather your things, rummaging through Bokuto’s belongings until you found the keys to his car.

Panicking, Bokuto ran out of the ocean as fast as he could, cursing at the water for resisting his movements. He watched helplessly as you began walking back towards the parking lot. You saw. You saw the scratch marks, and now you were leaving Bokuto. The spiker’s worst nightmares were turning into a reality right in front of his eyes.

The dull shouting of your name from down the beach sounded in your ears. You ignored Bokuto’s incessant calls for you, the ache in your heart overpowering every emotion you were feeling.

Bokuto ran through the sand as fast as he could, hoping to catch up to you before you left his life forever. His lungs and legs were screaming, but the pain was nothing compared to the pain of you leaving. Panic rose in his eyes as he watched you get into the driver's seat, starting the engine to his car.

Wiping the tears from your eyes, you took a shaky breath, a weak attempt to try and calm your heart. You looked down at your engagement ring, memories of that night flashing through your mind, forcing another sob to rack your body knowing that your memories now meant nothing. Banging on the car window startled you as you looked up to find a panicked Bokuto. His frantic words were muffled as you watched him desperately attempt to stop you from leaving.

“Please, y/n, roll down the window. Let me explain, please,” Bokuto blabbered, “Y/n, please don’t leave me, you have to let me explain. I love you! I want to marry you, and you only!”

Anger surged through your body as you scoffed at his words. Rage blinded your thoughts at the mention of your impending marriage. How dare he tell you he wants to get married after cheating on you? Your brain didn’t have time to process your movements as you pulled your ring off your left hand. You watched as a glimmer of hope flickered in Bokuto’s eyes as you began to roll down the window, only to have his eyes widen in pain and shock as you handed him your engagement ring.

“You’re really a piece of shit, Bokuto. You know that?” Tears began welling up in the spiker’s eyes as he stared at the piece of metal that laid in his hands.

“No, y/n, please. Give me your hand, please,” Bokuto frantically pleaded, reaching for your hand. The ring in his hand belonged nowhere else except your ring finger.

“Just stop, Bokuto, you’ve already ruined everything,” you scoffed out. As his eyes met yours, he was met with a whirlwind of hurt, shame, and pity. That’s when he realized. To you, he was pathetic. The love and adoration that made your eyes shine brighter than the sun was now replaced with hatred and pain, making them burn greater than the depths of hell.

Bokuto’s heart shattered into pieces knowing you would never love him the same, knowing he broke your trust.

“I-,” Bokuto paused, unsure of what else he could say to get you back.

“I’m sorry, y/n” the man in front of you choked out. Bokuto felt helpless as he watched you roll up your window and drive away from him, leaving him in shattered pieces.

That night, when Bokuto finally returned to his shared apartment, the reality of the situation hit him. The empty aura filling the space that he used to share with you was all it took for Bokuto to fall onto his knees, becoming a shell of his former self. You were gone.

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proserpina-magnus · 3 years

Text

Marauders + Regulus Reactions to you Being Bratty

Word Count: 1892

[ Warning: Female reader, oral (male receiving + female receiving mentioned briefly), heavy dom/sub dynamics, hard doms mentioned, punishment, spanking, pet names such as “pretty/dirty girl” “love” “baby” and “whore”, praise kink, degrading kink, choking ]

!! Safe Words are in place !!

I wrote this on zero brain cells, so please read with caution.

James Potter:

- he gives you a small look, telling you to quiet your actions.

- when you keep acting up, he places his hand on your thigh and just sort of squeezes it.

- since you're both in the common room, he can only murmur a meek: "what's wrong baby? Why are you acting like this?"

- His hand grips your thigh a bit too roughly when you only roll your eyes at his words.

- He tries his best to get you in private so he can speak to you alone, but he keeps getting interrupted by people.

- Finally, Sirius catches on and distracts most of the people so James can slip you upstairs to his dorm.

- "Why are you acting like that?"

- He loses some of his patience's when he hears you mumble an "I'm not acting like anything, you're overreacting,"

- "I ain't overreacting, if you keep running your mouth off I'm gonna stuff you full of my cock,"

- His words are looser when he gets angry, he loses some of his mannerisms.

- James is true to his word, after a few more minutes of you back talking him, he gets you on your knees.

- "don't have anything to say do ya? Full of my cock, come on, suck it like a good girl now,"

- James swats your hands away when you try and hold his thighs.

- "keep them on your knees, I only want your mouth on me."

- you give a shitty blow job for a few moments, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of taming you over.

- Jame grabs a fist full of your hair, not pulling to hard but enough to give you a small warning.

- After a few minutes of you not complying, He takes it into his account to just fuck your mouth.

- You're gurgling as drool slips past your lips, tears pricking at your eyes. You're looking up at him, hoping for some sympathy.

- "I gave you warnings, you wanted to be a brat so I'll fuck you like one, don't act all innocent now,"

- James cums against your throat, almost making you choke. He pulls back, his hand pushes your hair back gently.

- "let me see you swallow,"

- he tilts your head up, giving a proud smile when he sees you swallow his cum.

- "I'm sorry, I don't want to be a brat anymore," you say, feeling his thumb pressing against your bottom lip.

- he's praising you greatly for your words, glad he has his good girl back.

- "that's much better, exactly what I like to hear. Come on, let's go back to the common room,"

Peter Pettigrew:

- his hands had been on your skin, his fingers ghosting over your clothed cunt.

- Before you could find release, Remus had walked into the dorm looking for his books.

- you both pull away, embarrassed. Remus only rolls his eyes and tells Peter to hurry up before he misses breakfast.

- "I'm sorry love, let's go get some breakfast?"

- when you whine and try and pull him back, he only kisses your cheek. "Please Peter, you've got me excited,"

- "I'm sorry baby, but not right now,"

- You can only respect his decision, getting up as you both go to the dining hall.

- you had been fine all morning, staying as close to Peter as possible.

- When the last class of the day rolled around, you had begun to get fussy.

- you snapped at Remus, a bit angry that he had interrupted Peter and you this morning.

- Peter gave you a stare, confused because you had been fine all day. His hand comes to your back, rubbing it to try and soothe you.

- You pull away from his hands, slapping his hand away from your body.

- Peter gives a long look, clueing in why you had begun to act up.

- After the class has ended, he pulls you up the stairs to his dorm and makes sure to lock the door this time.

- He soothes your bratty behaviour, shushing you as he lays you down on the bed.

- you push his hands away, upset that you had to wait all day for him.

- After a few praises, Peter had been hilt deep inside of you. You completely crumpled under the pleasure, relaxing into the feeling.

- "I know baby, is this what you wanted? Should've filled you with my cock this morning, maybe you wouldn't have been so fussy huh?"

- your whimpering and pulling him closer, your bratty behavior completely dissolving at his words.

- "Shh pretty girl, I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here,"

Remus Lupin:

- he had given you many warnings throughout the day, so when it came to dinner and you still haven't given him respect, he was absolutely livid.

- Remus hand came onto your thigh roughly, a slight slapping sound following it. You try and pull his hand away, but he only keeps it firmly on your upper thigh.

- he continues to eat dinner, not sparing you a glance because of your behaviour.

- his non-reaction makes you act up more, wanting his attention.

- Remus makes a deep 'ahem' sound from the back of his throat, his eyes glaring down at you.

- after dinner, he pulls you along to the dorm.

- "Alright, you've been a fucking brat all day. Think it's time for your punishment yeah?"

- you protest, but he only pulls you over his lap, your ass in the air.

- his hands move your skirt, slipping your panties down to your ankles.

- "why do I have to punish you?"

- "because I've been bad," you rolled your eyes at him, earning a hard smack to your arse.

- "I was being a brat," you muttered.

- "okay, each time I slap you, your gonna count them then your gonna thank me,"

- "whatever,"

- another hard slap came onto your other cheek, making you yelp.

- "keep talking back and I'm gonna make your punishment longer. I'm gonna slap you 10 times, this is a punishment but you're always allowed to use your safeword, understood?"

- "yes sir,"

- Remus hand comes down on your arse, each time you respond with the number and a thank you.

- Another hard smack makes your skin jump, your eyes tearing up. "5, thank you, sir," your voice shakes, your arse red and raw.

- Remus rubs your ass, messaging it briefly from his hard smacks.

- he continues until he reaches ten, at this point your crying and sobbing out apologizes.

- "you're done bunny, took the punishment like a good girl, let me rub some cream on you hm? Get you all cleaned up,"

Regulus Black:

- Regulus is either a soft dom or a really hard dom, there isn't an in between.

- he gives you a stern look, mouthing a small "cut it out"

- when you don't cut it out, his hand is clenched under the dinner table.

- You can tell just by his aura that he's pissed, everyone else can too.

- "Watch yourself," He says when you make a comment back to him, the people sitting near you go quiet.

- "you watch yourself,"

- his jaw tightened, his knuckles are white from holding the fork so hard.

- you go quiet for a bit, understanding from his demeanour that he isn't happy.

- after dinner, he grabs your arm and leads you to his dorm.

- the second your alone, his hand comes to your throat. He pushes you against the door, making you whine at the lack of air.

- "you're going to strip and get on the bed then I'm gonna fucking ruin you,"

- when his hand leaves your throat, you only stay where you are and look up at him with a small conceding smile.

- Your attitude makes him lose it, he yanks you towards the bed and rips off your clothes quickly.

- when you whine at your ripped shirt, he only grabs your throat and presses against it with an overpowering force.

- he teases your tits, pulling and pinching your nipples. You whined, fussing against his hands.

- "stop fucking whining you brat, you fucking love it,"

- Regulus bonds your hand to his bed frame tightly, the fabric giving you a small burn whenever you twitch or move around.

- His cock teases your cunt, pushing the tip in before sliding it back out. He rubs it against your clit, making you hold back a whimper.

- His hand never leaves your throat, grasping it tighter until you see black spots. At this point, he had been handling you with rough caresses.

- "fucking whore, what makes you think you can speak to me like that? Hm? Where're your fucking manners?"

Sirius Black:

- you both had been hanging out at the library, talking with friends and such.

- when you began to get fussy and talkback with an obvious attitude, Sirius was quick to react.

- Sirius chuckles to himself, rubbing his thighs as he gives you a small smirk.

- he doesn't give you mean looks, he just stares at you with a daring look.

- his eyes tell you everything, you can tell just by his expression how he's going to react.

- somehow, you quiet down at his expression, knowing you had messed up.

- Sirius brings you to his dorm, kicking out Peter so you both could be alone.

- his hand is on your ass, sitting on his desk chair as he pulls you onto his lap.

- "I'm sorry daddy, I didn't mean it!"

- Sirius only laughs and pulls you into his chest, his hands in your hair. You thought you had been forgiven, but you let out a loud gasp when he yanks your head back.

- "you knew exactly what you were doing, you know the rules baby, or maybe you wanted a punishment hm? You dirty girl,"

- he only smirks at your whimper and whines, trying to get him to know your apologetic.

- Sirius strips you, picking you up as he lays you down on the bed.

- he positions you on your hands and knee, holding your face down against the mattress.

- you whine loudly as his hand comes down on your ass harshly.

- he continues to tease you, his fingers slipping inside of your cunt quickly.

- He pushes you over the edge for hours, never even getting bored. He had ranged from using his fingers, mouth, and cock. He keeps denying your orgasm, laughing as you become a crying mess.

- "you can cry all you want, it doesn't bother me any. I haven't even gotten started yet,"

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