#people i have KNOWN that are wonderful but have those disorders | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ivystoryweaver · 11 months

Text

With You part 5

<-prev next-> || Fic Masterlist || My Masterlist

Summary: Jake tries to fall asleep beside you, Steven is there to adore you in the morning and Marc is still struggling. What happens when Jake breaks his lifelong silence?

Pairings: Jake Lockley x reader, Steven Grant x reader, Marc Spector x reader. Gender neutral reader. No use of Y/N. Reader is engaged to Marc and Steven.

Word Count: 4.7k

Warnings/notables: Fluff, longing, complicated relationship stuff. Angst. References to past abuse. Struggles with addiction/alcoholism and its effects. Probably inaccurate description of addiction. self-worth probs. Violence is mentioned. kissing and touching, implied sex but no smut, nothing explicit or gender-specific. Let me know if I missed a warning. inaccurate DID, based on the show. Not beta'd we die like arthur harrow in the back of jake's car

Dividers by saradika

PREVIOUSLY, on “With You”...

Oh, he liked the idea of getting under your skin. He liked it a lot.

“Really?” He teased. “You mean you don’t scare the shit out them in the middle of the night? Follow them around? Drive them crazy...wearing that?” He threw your words back at you.

What a little shit.

“No,” you steadily answered him, your gaze open and honest. “I guess I’m just here to drive you crazy.”

With little convincing, Jake got ready for bed, so he could join you in finally getting some rest. Your 3am alarm went off as he was washing up, so you silenced the one for 4:00.

Conveniently it was your day off, so no other alarm was set. Steven did have one class mid-day, but otherwise, also had the day off.

As Jake slid under the covers, you reached to turn off the bedside lamp. Then you were left in the same position you found yourself in that first night.

The night he held your hand.

Remembering what you'd whispered to him in the dark that night, you softly uttered, "I'm glad you came back to me, Jake."

"I'll always come back to you," he swiftly replied, his voice the softest you'd ever heard it.

Slowly, you reached for him, resting your hand over his. He immediately slid his fingers through yours, just like the first night, and whispered goodnight.

Jake always came home while you were asleep, and he didn't even front every day. Usually he was only there when Khonshu bid him take to the nighttime alleyways and rooftops, or when Marc and Steven were in an exorbitant amount of danger...

...which was unfortunately more often than either of them (or you) were aware. Marc had a long and colorful past, in which he'd made many enemies - some of them, through no fault of his.

Abused, with an undiagnosed disorder, there were sections of his life missing, and problems he just couldn't control. That, combined with blackouts from drinking and a mighty temper, when provoked, had left a trail of...unfortunate mishaps. And pissed off former associates and enemies.

Time eased many grievances, and Marc had handled several problems on his own, years ago. But even after Jake himself had dispensed with Arthur Harrow, there still lingered fingers of his network. And those weren't the only problems.

Just last week, Jake had disposed of a man who had followed you home from work two nights in a row. He simply watched the first night, choosing restraint, but after he saw the mysterious man following you a little too closely the second night, well - that man did not live to see a third.

At first, Jake wondered how Marc could be so naive. He expected that more from Steven. Well, not naivety, exactly, but a general "chin up" outlook on life that the he radiated.

Steven, although far more direct, outspoken and cautious than most people gave him credit for, was an overall ray of sunshine. In protecting the system, Jake wasn't just protecting his own body, or Marc, who he had known since his youth, he was protecting Steven - the one Marc simply could not do without.

And Jake supposed that's what it all came down to. Marc had settled into a beautiful domesticity with both you and Steven. And maybe that was why Marc couldn't perceive the danger you were all in.

Jake was happy to keep it that way. If Marc was not only safe, but thriving, if Steven was growing and learning, putting his beautiful mind to work, and the two of them had someone they loved? Then Jake had done his job. As long he stayed on top of things, it could all work out.

But the drinking relapse was a problem. And he hadn't counted on you meeting him.

Jake had often wondered how Marc and Steven - for lack of a better word - shared you. He wondered if they ever got jealous. Or if you ever showed any preference for one over the other. That's why he thought it best to stay out of it. Not only did he hope to keep his head down and do his job, he was concerned that getting mixed up with you would only confuse him.

That all went right to hell when he carelessly barreled into your bedroom the other night, having forgotten to have Marc or Steven check in with you earlier, or go to bed beside you. He was equally panicked and wonderfully elated for this mishap.

And now, as your soft breathing slowed, he tried to pretend this night was like every other time he'd slipped through the window to find you asleep.

But it wasn't and he couldn't.

He wished you were still awake. He wished he had more time to hear your voice, to watch the flurry of you around the room, picking up his things, worrying after him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he remembered the press of your body against his - the soft satin hugging your shape.

Shit. He could use a cigarette. Or maybe he could beat the hell out of someone.

It was difficult to blow off steam when Marc - a.k.a. their body - couldn't drink and with Marc and Steven engaged to you. Jake tried to respect that. He had the right to his own life, sure, but he just couldn't bring himself to "blow off steam" in that way since you got engaged. You weren't his, but he was faithful to you anyway.

As if sensing his irritation in your sleep, you rolled over, burying your face into his shoulder, snuggling up to him comfortably.

Jake was walking a very fine line between soothed and riled up. If your leg made its way across his thigh, he was going to lose his shit.

Only a few hours later, as the sun struggled to climb into a gray sky, you woke up, tangled in someone. Wondering who might greet you each morning always brought the tiniest smile to your face, but on this morning, just for a moment, you wondered if it was Jake.

Your body stiffened. Did you sleep like this for the past few hours? Did it bother him? You hadn't ever thought of what you might do in the night when Jake got home from his escapades.

As the man beside you continued to breathe evenly, in and out, you decided that three hours of sleep was definitely not enough.

Hours later, you awoke to the domestic sounds of the kitchen. You smelled cooked food and heard the sink's water running, along with the clang of a pot or saucepan.

The sun had made its way through the morning fog, and a sliver of it poured through the crack between the drawn drapes and the window.

After stretching like a very satisfied cat, you freshened up in the bathroom and headed back to your closet to decide what to wear for your day off.

Steven was waiting for you on your bed, perched on the edge.

"Morning, my love," he hummed cheerily, his eyes raking down your body appreciatively. "See you've got on those nice satin pajamas I gave you."

Glancing down at yourself, you softly smiled. "Indeed."

"You're so bloody lovely," he breathed, eyes darkening as he reached out his hand to beckon you back to bed.

Feeling absolutely adored and a little frisky, you skittered over, ready to pounce, when he held up two hands to stop you.

"Careful, darling, I've made you breakfast. Or brunch, rather. It's eleven o'clock," he laughed, nodding toward the tray sitting in the middle of the bed.

Eyes wide, you beamed - but it didn't stop you from climbing onto his lap, just...carefully.

"You are an angel." Locking your arms behind his neck, you dragged your hips forward until you were flush against his body. Rubbing your nose against his, you giggled as he chased after your lips.

"Feeling cheeky this morning, are we?" he tutted after trying and failing to kiss you a few times. "Come here, you." Gently gripping your face in one hand, he opened his mouth hotly over yours. Sucking your lips one at a time, he teased you right back, easing one strong arm around your back. His forearm flexed, holding you firmly as he thrust up against you.

"Steven," you gasped, shifting in his lap to feel him just where you wanted him. Licking into his mouth, you pushed your fingers into his curls, tugging just hard enough for him to jerk deliciously against you again.

The two of you went on that way until he laid back on the bed, pulling you on top of him.

"Steven, Steven, wait--"

Too late. The tray carrying your breakfast spilled all over the bed, some of the jam-covered toast landing on Steven's adorably oversized sleeve.

"Shit, I'm so sorry." Scurrying off the bed, you rapidly gathered up the mess, hands bumping into Steven's as he struggled to help you.

"Thank goodness I've left the tea on the table then, yeah?"

You burst out laughing.

You and Steven cleaned up the bed, finished breakfast (at the table) and dressed in cozy clothes for a day off together. Steven decided missing one class wouldn't hurt anything, since he had high marks in every course.

"Thank you for taking care of me this morning, my love," you sighed contentedly, draping your legs across his lap as you relaxed on the couch. "I noticed you pulled the drapes closed so I could sleep in."

"Oh...must've been Marc, I s'ppose," he mused, rubbing up and down your leg. "Wasn't me."

"Oh, okay. But it was you that cleaned up the broken bottle the other morning, right? Before I woke up and made breakfast for Marc?"

Steven's head whipped around so fast. "Sorry, what? Marc broke a bottle? Darling--"

"It wasn't like that, I promise. It was an accident," you soothed. Reaching for his hand, you squeezed it gently, forgetting, in that moment, who could have cleaned up the bottle.

"Everything's a bit odd lately, innit?" He spoke up after a few moments. "Khonshu scaring the life out of Marc like that, deceivin' us both. Bloody stupid pigeon."

"I'm sorry, baby." You felt a shade guilty having talked to Jake twice when Marc and Steven had yet to even meet him.

"Not your fault, love. The old bird's the one to blame. Him and this other mysterious bloke I've got up here." He tapped one finger to his forehead.

"Jake, you mean." You eyed him cautiously. Feeling like you hadn't seen Steven as much for the past few days, you felt the need to confess - catch him up. "I talked to him again last night. Did Marc tell you we'd met?"

Dark eyes cut over to yours - unreadable - a rarity in your warm and open Steven. "Didn't have to. Spoke to him myself."

You gasped a little dramatically. "Y-you talked to Jake? He talked to you?"

"A bit, yeah," Steven sighed. "A bit. Might have told us we were still entangled with Khonshu so Marc didn't have to wake up in an alley like that. It's no bloody wonder he's had a rough go of it."

Gently rubbing your thumb over his knuckles, you inched a little closer to him on the couch. "So...you're angry with him then. With Jake."

Shaking his head, Steven's gaze dropped. "He's got his own life I s'ppose. Rather used to the way things are with Marc, is all."

"Must be hard, sweetheart," you sweetly sympathized, wishing you could fix any and everything for these men you loved.

"Not your fault," he softly repeated, reaching up to caress your cheek. "He does seem a bit taken with you, though."

Oh god.

"R-really," you squeaked. "Jake said that?"

"Not exactly, but...I gathered," Steven mused, his fingers trailing down over your throat to rest along your collarbone, which he traced carefully. "Made me wonder if you'd worn that lovely satin for him, if I'm honest."

You gulped. "Well...not for him, exactly. I did want to talk to him in a little more than Marc's t-shirt. I want answers too."

The corner of his mouth turned slightly upward, reminding you of Jake. "You're a vision in anything, darling - bare legs and t-shirt, or black satin. I certainly understand why he fancies you."

You skin heated up as you tried to decide how to respond.

And just like Jake the previous night, Steven seemed to enjoy you flustered like this. Giving you a devilish smile, he trailed his fingers down your arm.

"Steven...you're my fiancé," you finally managed, a little breathless. "Jake and I have only spoken twice. It will take a little more than crawling in the window at night to get to know one another."

Nodding, Steven asked, "But you would...like to get to know him?"

"Of course I would," you instantly answered, as if it were obvious. "Of course I want to know someone in our lives like this - part of you and Marc, and...honestly, someone who has you all out at night doing god knows what."

Reaching for your fiancé, you wrapped your arms around his neck. "Besides, I doubt Jake said he fancies me," you chuckled. "Doesn't really sound like him."

"Ohhh, it doesn't, does it?" Steven laughed out. Studying you closely, he added, "Would you like to know what he really said? 'Bout you?"

Spellbound, you nodded as Steven leaned in close. "I'm not going to tell you. That's between you two. But I will tell you what I think, if you care to know."

Climbing across his lap, you touched your forehead to his. "As long as it's something good, baby."

"Oh it is," he breathed against your mouth.

He never told you. But you did finish what you'd started in the bedroom.

After all the recent late night activities, plus a vigorous couple of rounds in bed with Steven, your sated bodies drifted off to sleep...

...which inevitably led to you waking up from your nap, wondering who would be greeting you. The flat was quiet and you were alone.

Feeling a little more relaxed and rested than you had felt in days, you found the clothes Steven had yanked off your body just a couple hours before. You didn't want to waste one more second of your shared day off by sleeping.

After checking the bathroom and the living room, you finally found a note in the kitchen from Marc.

On the roof. - M

Finding some shoes and Marc's tan hoodie, you grabbed your phone, realizing Marc had sent you the same message via text, just in case.

A few minutes later, you made your way out to enjoy the chilly but decently sunny day. A rare treat indeed.

"Hey there," you sweetly greeted, walking up beside Marc, purposely bumping your shoulder against his. "Where's your jacket? It's cold."

He glanced over at you, smirking. "You're wearing the one I like. Looks better on you anyway."

Even though Marc was a little taller than you were, you wrapped your arm around his shoulders as if it might warm him up.

"What are you doing?" He chuckled, already a bit cheered up by your presence.

"I'm protecting you. Like I said, it's cold."

Glancing down at you, he shook his head, amused, while his heart flared with adoration. You were always taking care of him in one way or another. He could never deserve you.

"Come here," he whispered, pulling you into his arms, folding you close. "There, now I'm warm."

"Good," you returned, nuzzling into his neck.

He held you in silence for a few minutes, rubbing up and down your back lovingly.

From what little you knew of Jake, you were fairly certain that Marc was the quietest of his alters. It was nice sometimes, to just be together in contented stillness.

But unlike Jake, there was no one in the world you knew better than Marc. And he was neither content, nor prone to remain still for much longer. Itching to prod about what troubled him, you waited longer still. You had learned to wait him out and he had learned to trust you...confide in you.

"I, uh..." he cleared his throat, breaking the silence after a while. "I came up here because I was thinking about...having a drink."

Oh.

Releasing you, as you knew he would after an admission like that, he folded his well defined arms over his chest. "Sorry." He stared out over the city, wondering what you would think of him - of how he kept letting you down.

Matching his pose, you gave him just enough space to confess, while keeping close enough to ground him.

"Sorry for what?"

Huffing out an irritable sigh, he frowned. "You know what. Sorry for wanting to. For...fucking everything up, for letting you down."

"I see," you softly returned. "Is that all?"

Turning his head, he started at you. "Is that not enough? You need a longer list?"

"No," you shrugged, keeping your gaze fixed on the cityscape. "Just asking if there's anything else you're trying to punish yourself for today."

"There's a never-ending, extremely long fucking list," he huffed, rolling his eyes. "Where do I even begin?"

Turning your body to face him, you waited a moment for him to calm down. "How about we start with what brought you up here today? Did something happen? Did you talk to Steven? Or Jake? Or maybe Addiction is just being the annoying bitch that Addiction is?"

You could see that he was already relieved to have you facing him, engaging with him. Marc could fight with the empty, thin air if he wanted to, because the person he fought hardest with was himself.

"I did...talk to Jake," he finally confessed, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. "He, uh...he actually apologized...for what happened in the alley, with Khonshu."

"Okay," you slowly nodded, your heart rate doubling at the thought of Marc and Jake interacting. "And how did that make you feel?"

"Like an idiot," he huffed, pushing a hand through his hair. "I should have known that Khonshu would never leave us alone." His hands landed on his hips - a trademark Marc-is-annoyed stance. "I should have known it wasn't safe, especially for you."

"What does that mean?" you hesitantly questioned. Surely he didn't mean he was unsafe for you, or Jake was... You started to worry for just a moment, that he would try to do one of those stupid 'you're safer without me' speeches that superheroes were always doing in films.

Like hell. Khonshu could shove his bony beak right up his bony ass. He was not fucking with your engagement, or your life.

Seeing your distress, Marc reached for your shoulders. "Jake saved your life last week," he explained. "Someone was following you home from work."

"He...what?" You gasped. "Who? Jake told you this?"

"Don't know who," Marc replied, his jaw clenching in fury at the thought of anyone even noticing you, let alone trying to stalk you. And to think he had no idea - no inkling that you were in danger... it was unbearable. "Doesn't matter. He's gone now. I just can't believe I let that happen to you and I didn't even realize..."

Releasing you, he paced a few steps away, and back again. Back and forth, punishing himself. For not perceiving that danger still followed him around - followed you. For not being the one to save you. For not recognizing someone else was in his mind, in their body. For being the absolute most useless and pointless of his alters. For all these things compiling and making him want to drown it all at the bottom of a bottle. For being a worthless alcoholic. For being like her...

Marc was the walking embodiment of the phrase, 'that escalated quickly...'

You knew it was bad once he stopped pacing and dug the heels of his hands into his forehead. Steven would probably be joining you momentarily. Or maybe Jake.

"Marc?" You softly called, gently reaching for his wrists to stop him hitting himself in the head. You didn't pull or try to halt his motion, you simply allowed your fingers to circle his wrists. As soon as he realized that his banging motion was jerking your arms too, he stopped, allowing you to hold onto his wrists, rubbing your thumbs carefully over his skin.

"There you are," you soothed, granting him the most gentle smile and pulling his hands down to his chest. "I think you kept this conversation going without me. Probably started telling yourself a whole lot of bullshit...does that sound about right?"

Sometimes you would undercut the most dramatic of his meltdowns with deceptively gentle sarcasm. It always seemed to disarm Marc - your comments showed him your tenderheartedness rather than your slight teasing feeling like mockery. You truly had a gift for it.

You didn't wait for his verbal answer. His silence was compliance. You kept hold of his wrists, there against his chest, and tried to fill in the blanks.

"I'm guessing you're blaming yourself for not knowing everything that's ever going to happen, for not predicting the future, for not knowing every corner of your mind, and for being afflicted with an addiction. Am I close?"

His jaw clenched, this time in anguish, rather than fury.

"You don't...you don't have to do this," he choked, avoiding your gaze. "You shouldn't have to do this."

"Like I hell I shouldn't," you shot back. "I marrying you in 52 days. And on that day, I'm going to vow to love you for better or for worse, in sickness and in health - you know the rest. This is exactly what I should be doing."

"I'm sorry," he brokenly whispered. "I'm sorry I'm like this. I hate it. I hate..."

"What are you like, sweetheart? How is it that you think you should be?"

Marc shook his head, his eyebrows pinched with worry. "I-I don't even have a job or go to school, or always make you smile or feel better, like Steven. I can't even protect you, like Jake. I have nothing to give you. I can't think of one reason to even--"

"Don't you dare," you warned. "Don't you dare compare yourself to them - they are a part of you." Releasing a shaky sigh, you realized then how bad things must have gotten for Marc before he ever even picked up a bottle.

This was deeper than one encounter with Khonshu. He was calling his whole self-worth into question, comparing himself to Steven and now Jake. He hadn't failed you. Maybe you had failed him.

"Look, I don't claim to be any kind of an expert on addiction or DID or marriage," you explained to him. "I only know what I know. When Jake saved my life, you were there. You are a part of him. And-and Steven - his amazing mind is your mind too. This addiction you have - they all have it! I understand you are distinct people, and I respect that. And I don't pretend to know what you're going through or what it feels like to be you, but baby..."

Squeezing his hands, you peered up at him pleadingly. "You were my first love. I knew you first. I loved you first. You are the reason I'm here. And Steven. And Jake. We all love you, Marc and we need you. We're with you. Who else is going to help Steven remember to do his homework? Or make my coffee the way I like it? Or fix the sink every time it leaks?

"Who is going to make me feel like the most special person in the world, make me laugh, make me the best toast for breakfast--"

"Uh, that would be Steven," Marc admitted, his voice softening. "Steven does those things for you."

Thinking back through what you'd just said, you nodded. "True. He does make better toast than you but his coffee-making skills are shit."

Marc cracked a smile. Just a tiny one.

"And you do make me laugh. And make me feel special. Why do you think Steven is the only one who does that?"

"Because...I don't know, because he's so good at it," Marc shrugged, calming down a little more. Your candor was somehow soothing because he never had to wonder where he stood with you.

"Baby, where do you think he gets that from?" You stared at him pointedly, waiting for him to get it. "How many years did you try to protect him, to keep him safe?"

"Yeah, but I fucked that up too," he argued. "He was pissed when he found out about me, remember I told you that."

"Only a first," you reminded him. "But since then, you're literally his best friend. You keep him grounded. And I know it's true for Jake too. You're his moral center."

"Really," Marc scoffed, "then he's fucked."

You rolled your eyes. "You are. From what little I know of Jake, he doesn't seem all that bothered by violence... by doing whatever he feels he needs to do, for you or for Khonshu. Don't you see?"

Marc shook his head.

"When you have to use violence, you hate it, because it was used on you. You've agonized over the lives you've taken, because you value life. What is more morally centered than that?"

Finally releasing your hands, Marc rubbed his face with a long sigh. "I told myself I wasn't going to do this to you. That I was just going to go to a meeting and talk to you after. But...but I thought if I left to go to a meeting that I might stop by the store and there would be a drink, you know, just waiting..."

His hands found their way back to his hips. "What do I do?" He gazed at you as if everything in the world hanged on your answer.

"This," you said confidently. "You take a beat...take a breath, talk to me. Exactly this, baby. Everything you need to be doing, you are doing right now: admitting you're tempted to drink, stopping and thinking first, going to meetings..."

You counted his victories off on your fingers, "Using your support systems, being honest about your feelings, even the really fucking hard ones. This is exactly what you do, Marc. You are literally my hero."

Completely taken aback, his lip trembled. "W-what? No...I-I'm not."

Folding your arms over your chest, you narrowed your eyes, waiting a beat.

"You're not? Shit. I must have been thinking of someone else then." Cracking a grin, you inched toward him slowly. "You're so damn stubborn, Marc Spector, but you have met your match. Game fucking on."

Reaching for his wrists, still planted defiantly on his hips, you pulled his hands into yours. "Now, is there anything I can do to make you feel better today? I could walk you to your meeting? Or fix you some matzah ball soup? I've been practicinggg," you sang, a little playfully.

Sometimes acting like a dork really cheered up your grumpy fiancé. Maybe it would work.

"Please, god no," Marc laughed out, "it was more like matzah meal sludge. I think I could have built a sandcastle with it."

Giggling, you released his hands, sliding your arms around his torso. "Okay, fair enough. Maybe we'll do something else then."

"Yeah, like what?" He shot back, some of the tension finally draining out of his tense body as he wrapped his arms around your back.

"How about a massage?" You suggested. "You love it when I play with your hair. You could lie down on my lap, relax..."

"You're just trying to get my head between your legs, aren't you?" Marc chuckled, narrowing his eyes.

You smiled innocently up at him. "Always."

"Come on, it's freezing out here," he laughed, guiding you back toward the doorway with his arm around your shoulders.

"Still feel like a drink?" You asked, your candor never ceasing to amaze him.

"Only if you make me eat your matzah ball soup," he teased.

Just him joking was a good thing. And he probably would have you walk him to a meeting later in the day. One step at a time.

"You're really doing it, you know? I'm really proud of you," you sweetly affirmed as the two of you made your way back down to your flat.

"Thank you," Marc evenly answered, after a long silence. He hadn't really been sure how to reply until the two of you were back inside your living room. "For everything."

"One day at a time, my love. Today, you're doing it. You're doing everything right."

Wondering what he would ever do without you, Marc pulled you close, gently swaying with you in the silence of your flat. He had always felt so hard to love - his childhood had made sure of that. But you loved him hard.

@stormydaysxx laaundromat @kindlover @spxctorsslxt @deezisnotreal

@rivalriotrenegade @wordacadabra this--is--music @i-still-dont-like-your-face

idk if all the tags work. I tried!

746 notes · View notes

morgana-larkin · 29 days

Note

Hey I was wondering if u could do a Melissa x reader were reader struggles with SH and Melissa finds out some how and comforts reader and helps her to not SH or something like that (also I completely understand if u don’t wanna write this and really sorry if it’s triggering to u sorry and thank u)

Hi, thank you for the prompt! I will admit that this one got me a bit. It wasn’t that triggering for me but it was still hard to write. I hope that SH meant self harm or this fic took a very different turn than what you wanted. I went with the reader is autistic because I’m able to relate to that and made it easier to write the feelings and emotions. So here it is and I hope you like it. And of course not edited in the slightest. And I am still taking prompts, I’m currently writing another one for a prompt I got.

Little Droplets of Relief

‼️ TRIGGER WARNING ‼️

This fic heavily describes and talks about self harm and cutting. If you think you’ll get triggered then please don’t read it.

Words: 4.38k

Lazy, useless, unlovable.

3 words that you were used to hearing, mostly from yourself.

Growing up with Autism that went undiagnosed until you were 16 was difficult. There were times when you felt too tired to do anything or you forgot to do basic needs, like eating or brushing your teeth. Lazy.

There were other times when all you wanted to do was drown out society because everything was too much or when you didn’t pick up the most obvious social cues. Useless.

You’ve turned down many invitations from friends because you just felt like laying in your bed and live in the world conjured up by your thoughts. You've been clingy with some people because they don’t leave you and they’re someone you know but that led people to leave you. Everyone left you at some point. Everyone. Unlovable.

Those 3 words, a mantra in your head. Often led you to sit on your bed, rocking yourself back and forth and sometimes tug at your hair.

Until one day, those words in your head distracted you when you went to reach for a fork and ended up picking up a steak knife, from the sharp end. As soon as you picked it up, you dropped it and saw you were bleeding, and the voices stopped for a whole day. So when they returned the next day, you did your usual rocking on the bed and tugged at your own hair so hard you pulled some strands right out. Then you thought of what happened yesterday, you looked at your bandaged hand that your mom did when you told her you accidentally cut yourself. You bled and the voices stopped. So you grabbed a knife from the kitchen when you’re parents weren’t looking and you gave yourself a small cut on the wrist and you watched it bleed. You watched little droplets of blood fall from you and with the blood, the voices left.

It started off small, you would only give yourself a cut when everything else you tried didn’t work, but soon what turned into about once a week, turned into every other day then turned into everyday. Everyday before bed, you would do a small cut on your wrist and watch the blood fall, you called it your little droplets of relief. You always did small so you can easily cover it up with something, when it was hot out, like a scrunchie or thick bracelet.

You were 15 at the time when you started cutting yourself. Then at 17 you got diagnosed with Asperger’s which you were told was a form of Autism. You knew nothing about it. You were explained what it is, it’s mostly known as a social disorder but it’s other things too. For instance you can get tired from socialising, get overwhelmed and block the world out , have obsessions, and in some cases suffer on and off with depression. When you got told this, a lot of things made sense. And while you now had a name to it, you cutting yourself didn’t stop, it became an obsession, a dangerous obsession.

Now you are 27. You’ve been working at Abbott Elementary for a year now as a first grade teacher and you love it there. The kids are crazy, the staff even more, the principal was a whole different level though. You felt like you fit in here, you never felt like you fit in anywhere, always an outcast. You became friends with some of the teachers. The first one you became friends with was Jacob, he was nerdy like you, you had a lot of similar interests. The second one was Gregory, you don’t know why, but you felt like he was like you, he never said anything but a lot of things he does, you do. The third was Janine, although you still are wary of her, a little ball of energy like that can sometimes be too much for you. The next one was Barb, she was sweet to you since you started, always giving great advice if you need it and always lending an ear. Ava you’re still unsure of, her personality was big and her ego even bigger, but she cared about the students and she took some getting used to until you saw a person instead of well… Ava you guess. Then there was Melissa. She was wary of you at first, being new, but you saw she had a heart behind all those leather pants and insults. It took both of you awhile to warm up to each other.

While everyone was nice to you and you considered them friends, you never got close to them. You didn’t want to, because as soon as you did, then poof they’re gone. So you kept them all at a distance, you barely talked about yourself, you didn’t ask them questions about themselves either. You sometimes got up and left if the conversation got personal, mumbling out an excuse of some sort. The only one who really noticed that you did that was Melissa.

You’re not sure why but she seemed to take an interest in you. She kept trying to get to know you but always failed. Until one day she was talking with you in your classroom, you went to reach something and your sleeve rolled up, exposing your cuts right at her. You went a little crazier last night but it was chillier today so you thought it would be fine and just had to wear a long sleeve.

“What are those?” She said

“They’re nothing.” You said defensively. Pulling your sleeve back down

“They didn’t look like nothing.”

“Like I said , it’s nothing so just drop it ok.” You told her.

“Give me your wrist then.”

“What?”

“If you say it’s nothing then you’ll have no problem letting me see your wrist. So come on, let me see your wrist.” She said and you froze. I mean she did have a point, you aren’t showing her because they are something.

“This really isn’t any of your business or concern Melissa, I mean I barely even know you.” You told her, trying to deflect and get out of the conversation revolving your wrist.

“Because you won’t let yourself know me, and you won’t let other people know you.”

“People aren’t worth my time , not if all they do is leave. Like I seriously don’t know why other people try to make friends, people don’t stick around.” You said to her and this confused her. You confuse her. First you have mysterious cuts on your wrist, then you say that people aren’t worth your time. Then she thought about it.

“How many people left you?”

“What?”

“I said , how many people in your life has left you?”

“Too many to count.”

Melissa did end up dropping the cuts on your wrists, but she still worried about you because she has a pretty good idea of why they’re there. It wasn’t until one day, 2 weeks after she saw your cuts, that you came in tired, more tired than just the usual tiredness in the morning.

“You ok y/n?” Melissa asked as you walked into the break room.

“Ya I’m fine. Just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.” You told her, and it was a half lie. You did get about 5 hours of sleep but that was only because you had to clean up some blood as you cut a bit too deep by accident. On top of that, you’ve been forgetting to eat, you didn’t eat at all yesterday and you forgot a lunch today, and slept in this morning by accident so you also didn’t have breakfast.

Melissa watched you walk to the coffee machine and poured yourself a cup. You look pale as a ghost but Melissa isn’t going to ask, the last time she asked about you, you shut her down.

It wasn’t until lunchtime that she got worried. She watched you stumble your kids to the cafeteria, and since she was paying attention to you, she saw you lose your balance a couple times and that you kept grabbing your head. When you came back to your classroom to grade some tests, Melissa was sitting in your chair.

“Melissa, what are you doing here?” You asked her.

“I think you know. You look pale. Did you eat recently?” She asked and you just looked at her. The thing is you need to sit down as you’re really lightheaded.

“Can I have my chair back?” You asked her and she got up. But you took 2 steps and you got dizzy and fainted. The last thing you saw through blurry vision is red hair hovering over you in frantic movements.

You woke up and looked around and realised that you’re in the nurse’s office.

“Oh look who’s finally awake.” A voice said and you looked to your left and saw Melissa sitting on a chair looking at you. She has one leg over the over and her hands on the arm rest of the chair. “I got Mr Johnson and Ava to cover our classes while we talk.”

“Talk about what? And where’s the nurse?” You asked her when you realised she wasn’t here.

“Like I said, we need to talk, in private.” Is all she said. And the look on her face shows she’s in no mood for anything and not going to let you shut her down.

You sighed. “Look Melissa, I’m fine, just forgot to eat and pack a lunch. But I’m fine now.” You went to get up but Melissa got to you and pushed you back to the bed.

She then walked back to the chair and bent down to get something out of her purse. “Here, after I brought you here I got some food from down the street.” She said and handed you a store bought sandwich. You didn’t take it though, you just looked at her confused. “It’s not poisonous if that’s what you’re worried about.” She said.

“It’s not what I’m worried about.” You said.

“Just take it and eat it. I don’t want you fainting again.” She said and shoved it into your hand. You finally took it and started eating it. “Now I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to be truthful with me. And before you start getting defensive or try to shut me down, I saw your wrists and you fainted right in front of me.” She said, and if you weren’t already pale then you would have been now.

“You what?” Is all you said and froze about to take a bite of the sandwich.

“I saw them. Do you want to tell me why there’s cuts on your wrists?” She asked and you shook your head and she sighed. “Ok I know why but since you won’t tell me then let me ask you this. Why haven’t you been eating, I think you’ve gone a lot longer than just today of not eating, with how pale you were this morning.” She was really pushing it and you didn’t know what to do, she pieced a lot of things together and has you cornered.

“Can we not do this right now?” You told her, you knew that she won’t let this go and this was going to be a heavy conversation, and you didn’t want to do it at school.

“If not now then when y/n? When things get worse? Because I hate to break it to you, it got worse already.” She said and the tone of voice she was using, almost sounded like fear. Although you don’t know why.

“It can be today but just not here.” You said and looked at your lap. Melissa sighed and you looked back up at her.

“Ok, how about I drive you to my place after school and make you dinner and then you can tell me then?” She proposed and you looked at her confused, you don’t know why she’s doing this for you. “I don’t want you driving if you’ve barely ate. So either way I’m going to drive you. And before you think about it, I already took your car keys.” She said, you looked at her and she began spinning your keys on her finger proudly.

“Alright, but you don’t have to make me anything, I’ll just eat when I get back home.” You told her.

“I always make enough for 12 hun, you’ll eat at my house.” She tells you, leaving no room for argument and you nod. After you ate the sandwich you felt a bit better. You and Melissa went back to your classes and you just had your students read or draw for the rest of the day.

At the end of the day, Melissa came to your classroom to drive you to her place. “Ready to go?” She asked and you nodded, grabbing your bag. You followed her out to the parking lot and to her car. You noticed she kept looking back at you, probably to make sure you aren’t going to faint again.

She drove you to her place and got you to sit on her couch, you did as instructed and just sat there, twiddling your thumbs nervously. And at some point you dozed off because she was shaking you gently and telling you the food was ready. You both ate on the couch, she wasn’t worried about spills as the couch is covered in plastic. After you finished, pretty much inhaled your food, she put your plate on the coffee table then looked at you.

“When was the last time you ate?” She asked first.

“Dinner, the day before yesterday.” You said plainly and she looked at you worried. Well might as well come out and say it. “I’m autistic, and sometimes I forget to do basic things, like eat. It’s not the first time I’ve forgotten to eat, although it’s the first time I’ve fainted. I usually only forget one meal, not a whole day.” You said and she put her arm on the top of the couch, looking at you.

“And what about the cuts on your wrists? Why did you do those?” She asked the burning question.

“To make my brain shut up.” You said and looked down at your hands on your lap.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the things my brain says on repeat, until I give myself a cut. It won’t shut up until I do, I’ve tried everything else before. This is the only thing that works.” You told her and she looks at you softly.

“Hun, there are so many ways to do that, and harming yourself shouldn’t be one.” She said and put a hand on your knee and began gently rubbing your knee. “What does your brain tell you on repeat?” She asks and a tear rolls down your cheek.

“3 words, lazy, useless, unlovable.” You said as another tear rolled down your cheek.

“Hun, you aren’t any of those things. When did this start? The words in your head and the cutting?”

“When I was 15. I couldn’t keep handling it. It got to the point where I was ripping my hair out. And then one day the voice in my head was telling me those words when I went to reach for a fork, got distracted and picked up a knife, from the pointy end. And as I watched the blood trickle out and down my arm, the voice went away for a whole day. And then the next day when they came back, I experimented and gave myself a small cut, and it worked. I only started doing it once a week, then that slowly turned into multiple times a week and then everyday, I like to call it little droplets of relief. I only ever gave myself small ones so I can cover them up with something, especially in the summer. But last night I cut too deep by accident.” You told her and she looked at you sympathetically. “I got diagnosed when I was 17, but by then it was too late.”

“And why don’t you ever let people in? You keep them at a distance.”

“People they leave, at one point or another. People always leave when I get close and it hurts. So to not get hurt, I don’t get close. It’s easier and less painful that way.”

“Hun, you shouldn’t be dealing with this by yourself. Everyone needs someone.” She tells you.

“I don’t need anyone, I’ve been fine by myself. It’s better that way for everyone anyway.”

“What do you mean it’s better for everyone?”

“I mean that I stay away and don’t need people, and they don’t have to deal with me.” You told her.

“Do you really think you’re so unlovable that someone wouldn’t want to be there for you?” She asks and you look at her with tear stained cheeks and nod. “Well from what I know about you, you’re a pretty great person who tries to take on too much by herself and doesn’t give herself a break.” She tells you and you lift your legs and pull them close to your body and hug them. Melissa thinks you look so small and vulnerable, it broke her heart that someone can think those things about themselves when they’re a good person. “I think you’re good enough.” She simply tells you and you look at her surprised.

“Why would you say that when it isn’t true?” And your voice is almost a whisper and you’re about to cry.

“Because it is true, you are good enough and you shouldn’t think otherwise.” She tells you and you start crying. “Can I hug you?” She asks you and you look at her and sniff, then nod your head as more tears roll down your cheeks. She brings you closer to her and you put your legs down and off the couch. Melissa wraps her arms around you and starts rubbing your back soothingly. You don’t know what to think at first about her hugging you, it’s been so long since someone has touched you, not even a hug for over 5 years. And you realise that you miss it, you miss physical contact with people. And you wrap your arms around Melissa’s waist and hold on tight as you continue to cry. You fall asleep in her arms and she doesn’t have the heart to move you, so she leans down on the couch and reaches for the blanket that’s on the top and puts a pillow under her. She drapes the blanket over you both and she falls asleep.

After that day, Melissa has taken it upon herself to help you, help you cope in healthier ways. Both of you try different ways and at first nothing seems to work, then after a few more tries. You found something, and you don’t know how you didn’t think of it before. The one thing you found that helped, was the one thing you never had before, someone there to rub your back or hug you or just there to listen to you. You started getting better and you kept finding more ways to help, like fidget spinners, earplugs, a rubber ball to squeeze if you need to squeeze something due to intense emotions.

And with Melissa helping you, you began to open up to her and you let her open up to you. And after some time feelings appeared, and you freaked out. You didn’t know how to deal with it, you’ve had small crushes before but the last time was in high school before you cut people out. And at this point you relapse after 3 months straight of not giving yourself a cut. The voices in your head only said one thing, one word now instead of 3, unlovable. You take a knife and drag it across your wrist, of course Melissa wouldn’t want you, she’s only helping you to be nice, nothing more. You did another cut and watched the blood flow down your arm. The voice didn’t stop and it got louder. You went to your other wrist and did the same thing, 2 cuts, but it still wasn’t working. You did it again, only this time, you made a mistake, you cut too deep and you were losing blood. You got lightheaded quickly and passed out.

And that was how Melissa found you a minute later as she came to your house every day to watch shows together or to chat. She opened your door with the key you gave her and she found you passed out on the ground, blood dripping from your wrist.

“Y/N! No no no!” She ran to you and tried to shake you awake and you wouldn’t, she checked your pulse and thankfully you were still alive but weak. She ran to your bathroom and grabbed towels and applied them to the cut and put pressure to try and stop the bleeding. And thankfully it did. As soon as it stopped, she went to get bandages and wet paper towels. She cleaned your arm up and then wrapped your arm with the bandage. She then picked you up and carried you to your bed and laid you down, then she sat on the other side of the bed and stayed with you until you woke up.

You woke up a couple hours later. You opened your eyes and blinked a couple times, you looked to your side and you see Melissa there. She hasn’t noticed you awake yet. She’s hugging herself and looks deep in thought. You call her name.

“Melissa?” You croak out and she snaps out of her head and looks at you. She looks happy to see you awake and then she gets angry.

“What the hell were you thinking!? I thought you were passed this?!? And then I find you on the ground with blood coming out of your arm!!” She yelled at you and you looked at her with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, it just happened.” You tell her.

“I thought you were dead y/n! Do you understand that? And you could have if I didn’t show up when I did.” She tells you and you look at your arm, it’s now bandaged up. “I was able to stop the bleeding and patch you up. I almost called an ambulance.” She tells you and you snap your head to her. Too think that you were so close to death and you have her to thank. “Why did you do it? Why didn’t you try something else? We’ve been able to find different ways, healthier ways, not dangerous ways.”

“I tried but none of them worked and I only meant to give myself a little one, but the voice didn’t stop repeating that one word and it got louder and louder.” You tell her.

“What word?” She asks you.

“Unlovable.”

“Y/n, I’ve told you many times that it’s not true, many people will grow to love you if you let them.” She tells you genuinely.

“What about you?”

“What about me?” She asks confused.

“You wouldn’t love me. I mean you’re only helping me to be nice. No other reason.” You tell her and you look at your hands.

“Y/n, I’m helping you because believe or not, I care about you. I’m your friend.” She tells you and you can’t help it, as soon as she says friend, it spills out.

“Ya, and that’s all you’ll ever be.” You snap a bit.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asks, she has no idea where any of this is coming from.

“Forget it, forget I said anything.” You tell her trying to backtrack, you’re not going to tell her how you feel. You don’t want to ruin this friendship with her over something stupid as your feelings for her. But Melissa pushes you, she’s not going to back down, not after finding you like she did.

“No, you’re not going to do this again. Tell me what you mean. Please.” She tells you. She almost begs you at the end.

“It means that you’ll never be more than a friend.” You tell her like it’s obvious.

“What else would I be?” She asks, still confused. And then you look at her and she looks into your eyes, and she sees the hurt and fear. And then she figures it out. “Y/n, do you have feelings for me?” She asks gently and you close your eyes and nod. You don’t want to see her reaction when she rejects you and then leaves. But she doesn’t do either. To your surprise she cups your cheek. You open your eyes and look at her in shock. “I’m not going anywhere. And if I’m being honest, I have feelings for you too.”

“I thought you were straight?!?” You tell her and she giggles.

No, I’m bisexual, I’ve dated girls here and there but nothing ever stuck.” She tells you and moves the hand that’s on your cheek to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and you lean in. Your lips land on hers and she kisses you back. You think that this is where you’re meant to be, with her, with Melissa. She’s your shining light. “Is that what happened? Did you realise you have feelings for me and the voice in your head happened?” She asked suddenly and you nod. “Oh Bella, I wish you would have told me what was going on.” She tells you and your heart does a flip at the nickname.

“I will next time, before I do anything.” You tell her

“You promise?” She asks and you nod. She sticks her pinky out and you lock yours with hers in a pinky swear. “You can never break a pinky swear.” She tells you and you laugh.

“I pinky swear to come to you before I do anything stupid.” You tell her and that satisfies her. And she puts an arm around you and brings you to her and you cuddle on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. And this you think, are your new droplets of relief.

Taglist: @esposadejoyhuerta ,@imaginesmultifandoms

If you wish to be added to the taglist then let me know :)

#melissa schemmenti x reader #melissa schemmenti x oc #melissa schemmenti x you #melissa schemmenti #x reader #fanfic

63 notes · View notes

paris-geller-was-straightwashed · 8 months

Text

'that adhd feel of-' 'adhd is not being able to' 'adhd is when you forget-' you're describing executive dysfunction. that's...it's executive dysfunction. like I NEED you to understand this.

I don't think this is purposefully malicious but jesus fucking christ it's no wonder the ~neurodiverse~ community on here can feel super alienating. I'd fucking eat own shoe if any so-called 'neurospicy' (derogatory) blogs can name EVEN ONE other condition then either adhd or autism as part of neurodiversity. ppl think it starts and ends there - and what I find the most infuriating, is that one of the most common symptoms when it comes to diverse brains (aka executive dysfunction) is talked about like it's SOLELY for adhd.

look. I got dyspraxia and ocd - two things considered a part of the neurodiverse umbrella. I also have learning disabilities that have affected my whole school life, and memory issues that I've been explaining to people as to why I've already forgotten their name since I was a kid. YET, ocd is rarely talked about in neurodiverse circles or even considered, and I'll literally pay two bucks to anyone reading this who can tell me what dyspraxia is (who isn't a professional or someone who has it, and if you do have dyspraxia, then I am giving you a cookie and fist bump). yet often, when I see posts passed around talking about issues like poor motivation or time blindness or bad memory, I find a lot to relate to - bc executive dysfunction, in case anyone missed it, affects many, many conditions! you don't even have to be neurodiverse; it's known to affect those with anxiety and depression too! there's so much layover - yet, I will see, inevitably, the post attributed to adhd or possibly asd. frankly, it's both alienating to those with other neurodiverse conditions, and possibly misleading, even if unintentional, to say it's an 'adhd thing.' you guys run the market and it's over-saturated; I'm just asking for adhd/asd to share a piece of it's throne.

to be honest, as what's considered a 'neurodiverse person', I barely find any commonality within the community. yes, as mentioned above, I will relate to common shared symptoms like executive dysfunction, but it's a complete shut-out when we act like those symptoms are only attributed to one condition. frankly with my ocd, I find way more commonality in schizophrenia/paranoia/psychosis communities then in the ND one (I would never act or say I know what it's like to experience those conditions, but I can relate to the fear of some outside force telling you something horrible is going to/will happen), and with dyspraxia, even when we talk about it, it gets so little coverage and recognition it leaves the whole community a bit dry. if anyone gives a shit, then maybe shine the light on us and others kicked to the sides (ppl with learning disabilities, dysgraphia, language disorders, and those with schizophrenia/affective disorders like I mentioned earlier, who are so often vilified by ppl online and on this site). we all struggle with executive dysfunction and a million other layover symptoms, and the nerotypical world is just as hard for us to navigate even if no one is bothering to listen.

I'm rambling at this point. everyone just..do better and actually recognize the 'diversity' in 'neurodiverse.'

#neurodivergent #actually ocd #dyspraxia #actually neurodiverse #actually dyspraxic #actually ld #executive dysfunction

145 notes · View notes

l0v3rg1ri · 2 months

Note

Heya! Could a request a platonic!Levi Ackerman x cadet!reader? The reader used to live in the underground and kind of finds a sort of kinship with Levi, bonding over their shared trauma- if that makes sense

Ofc, no pressure to write this! But, if you do write it, I hope you have fun with it!!

Writer note:

Hello! Thank you for requesting <3! And ofc! I would love to write this fun idea! :3 He might be abit ooc, but hopefully not so much! I made a small snip it and a headcannon area since I didn't know which one you wanted! -----------------

Tw: Mention of child trafficking

Platonic!Levi Ackerman x Cadet!Reader who comes from the under-ground "Instead of seeking people who can stop the bleeding, we're attracted to those with similar wounds, who may not know how to find a way out of the darkness, but suffice, simply because they're in the same boat as us."

Headcannon:

his first reaction to hearing a cadet being from the underground was a bit mixed. For one, the undergrounds weren't an area a child would normally be unless they were from a poor or broken family. Even in dark cases, child trafficking. Another is, he doesn't like to get into people's personal life so he just shrugs it off. I imagine him being surprised but also not that interested to just ask you about it.

If you did decide to talk to him and figure out more about him he'll turn interested about how you got to the undergrounds. He will say a thing or two of his own experience in the start of you both talking.

Once you tell him how you got there he can react multiple way. For one if you were from a poor family he'd feel connected to that since he grew up dirty and without anything. The only money and resources coming from his mother who was a prostitute.

But if you were a child being trafficked he'd feel anger rise. His mother was a prostitute and was trafficked into that lifestyle because of lack of resources. Seeing her cry and wonder what she can do and even if she could continue whilst having Levi as a young child at home while she was gone for hours. That's one hell of an image stuck in his head ever since he was a child. He couldn't imagine a young child or teenager going through that made his world crumble. He always hated children getting hurt even if he had no interest in having his own or even being around children

The more and more you both continue to talk he felt like he met someone who could relate to him besides his old friends. He grew comfort in knowing someone could relate and he wasn't the only who had these feelings.

soon he started to see you like a sibling or his child you could say. Talking to you more and checking up on you, though he never gave special treatment during training since he wanted you to grow as your own person just like him, yet he also wanted you to defend yourself enough against titans.

he starts giving you small head pats and small learning lessons he's gotten from Erwin when he was first brought into the Survey Corps. Though he changed a couple of things to make it more understanding.

If you ever gained some sort of mental health disorder then he would try his best to help. In this period of time mental health disorders wouldn't be known as much, but Levi as far as he was concern he knew these were stress signs since he had gotten PTSD from his time of serving and even his underground times. So he would spend nights with you giving you tea and calming you down even if it was just sitting in silence.

------------------------

It was night time and Levi was awake since he couldn't fall asleep for some odd reason. Sitting in his office drinking tea and just writing papers and papers. Documents he had to fill days ago and he had fallen behind. Suddenly his peace of silence was broken by a light knock at his door. He sighed as he spoke up. "come in"

The door made a small creak as it was open before letting out a loud thud as it was shut. He raised an eyebrow at who entered but soon recognized the familiar face. "Couldn't sleep again?"

"no....I keep getting those weird pauses again" you shrugged as you took a seat on one of the chairs in front of his desk. "mh...you want me to make that tea for you again or?" Levi asked as he looked up at you from looking at his papers. You nodded your head as he stood up and went to a small area of his office. He had his personal area to make tea since he didn't want to walk all the way down to the kitchen to make his tea. Once he was finished he settled down the cup in front of you as he sat down drinking his own tea while the sounds of rain hit against the window. "Levi...does..it ever go away?"

The question surprised him before he just sighed putting down the papers he held in his hands. "no...some may say scars will heal, but they never do. Scars can't go away no matter what you do. You can bandage them, wash them, cover them, or just ignore them. Yet they will always be there because huge scars aren't always healed up. You need to come to terms that the scar is there and always will be and the only thing you can do is understand why the scar is there." "as much as it is shitty to feel like crap you can't heal a wound, but you can learn to live with it and understand why it's there. Learn to grow and understand the world." he sighed as he stared right at you. His grey eyes looking genuine and comforting. He looked back down and then noticed the time. "how about you go to bed now? you need your strength for tomorrows training" "I want to stay just for abit.."

"be my guest then, but if you wake up tired don't blame me and I'll make sure to kick your ass if you can't function tomorrow" "I know sir" "good.."

---------------------------- I hope you enjoyed this! It was a very fun prompt and I loved writing it! :3 Hope you liked it !!

#levi x reader #levi aot #x reader #platonic #aot #comfort #attack on titan #aot fanfiction #aot fandom #levi ackerman #headcanon

49 notes · View notes

relatetonothing · 2 years

Text

[mdzs] In depth analysis of Lan Xichen’s name

It’s been 2.5 years since my last MDZS name analysis(!!), and since then I’ve gotten so many requests from the fandom wanting to see more. So here’s to everyone who have enjoyed reading my posts so far - today I’ll be diving into Lan Xichen’s name. Sit back as this is an interesting one!

Lan Xichen is his zi ,or courtesy name, which means ‘chancellor of the morning sunlight’ (Xi 曦 - morning sunlight; Chen 臣- chancellor, minister).

It derives from the poem ‘Xian Qing Fu’ 《闲情赋》 (Ode to a Quiet Life) by Eastern Jin dynasty recluse poet Tao Yuan Ming 陶渊明. Tao is remembered for his appreciation of beauty and serenity of the natural world around him, often admiring the good of others and documenting his wishes for a peaceful and fair society. (NB: The majority of Chinese people would know of the phrase ‘世外桃源’ - Xanadu / fantastical place of great idyllic magnificence and beauty, which originated from him.) This particular poem is a long study on the beauty and virtues of an idealised woman, and is known today as one of the most iconic bodies of work celebrating a woman’s true inner qualities. “悲晨曦之易夕，感人生之长勤” (bēi chén xī zhī yì xī, gǎn rén shēng zhī cháng qín), translates figuratively to ‘it is regrettable that the light of this morning will soon be replaced by the dark night, reminding people that life is filled with endless fatigue.’

One can’t help but draw parallels to Xichen’s life - he was always a noble figure, approached people with sincerity, treated everyone with an equal level of respect and believed deeply in those he stayed close to. But life could not always pay back what he gave to others, as he learnt of his trusted friend Jin Guangyao’s corrupt ways and betrayal - the light that was replaced by darkness.

I find it fascinating how poet Tao’s perspective of the world is so similar to Xichen’s. Tao is known for spending much of his life in reclusion, living in the countryside, receiving only a few guests he had a strong bond with, reading and indulging in his love for poetry. As a talented and knowledgeable man, he spent a decade of his life as a politician - but soon lost faith in a system that was characterised by nepotism, violence, corruption and civil disorder. Torn between ambition and the desire to retreat into solitude, he chose the latter. I wonder if MXTX drew inspiration from this, as Xichen also began as a leader in the cultivators’ world, is a huge lover and collector of literature, and after all the turmoil also decided to withdraw into reclusion.

Xichen’s birth name is 涣 (Huàn), which has two main meanings: 1) ‘melting of snow’; 2) ‘water dispersing in all directions’. His title is 泽芜君 (zé wú jūn), which literally means ‘nourisher of barren lands’ (泽润 - to nourish, bestow; 平芜 - land overgrown with weeds). Combining the two, we can understand his name to mean ‘water disperses in all directions, nourishing everything it touches’. 泽 in Chinese is used specifically to describe bestowing something deep, long-lasting and meaningful (as supposed a one time gift/favour - which would be 惠). In the book, MXTX also describes him as “清煦温雅，款款温柔” (meaning ‘warm, gracious and elegant, gentle in all aspects’). Clearly, his name highlights the grace and kindness he radiates and bestows on everyone around him. He is the keeper of peace and righteousness.

Bonus:

Note that the word Huan 涣 has a water particle, similar to his brother Lan Wangji’s birth name Zhan 湛 - it brings to mind the ‘Twin Jades of Lan’ title for the brothers, with a water element - like Pisces.

Interestingly, in ‘I Ching’ or ‘Book of Changes’, the ancient Chinese divination text which contains of 64 hexagrams, there is a 涣 hexagram:

Again, it represents how gentleness can summon greatness. I copy the below from iching-online.com:

In simple terms, it symbolises water that washes away dirt and baptises new life within oneself. And the aftermath is precisely Zhan 湛 in his brother’s name, meaning crystal clear water.

Other name analyses:

Wei Wuxian

Lan Wangji

Jiang Wanyin

Lan Sizhui

526 notes · View notes

zebulontheplanet · 9 days

Note

hey, I have a question about ID. how does being ID affect your life? ik this is a really broad question but im trying to learn more about ID since I don't have it, and I've just really been wondering how it actually changes a person's life.

Hello! This is a hard question because honestly, ID overlaps a lot with other disorders. It’s like a spicy add on that I have. Most of what I will say is from my own observation, the observation of others, and things my neuropsych has said.

ID affects your problem solving skills, adaptive functioning skills, social skills, judgement, learning skills, and ADL skills.

For learning, it’s a constant struggle. I’m severely behind then my non-intellectually disabled peers, and have to constantly work to just keep up a little bit. Learning itself is extremely hard for me, and while others may be able to process things within 2-3-4 times of being exposed and shown it, I might need 5x that amount of time being exposed and shown it. My learning is a complicated subject, because of how behind I am in most subjects. History? Forget it. Algebra? Forget it. I just can’t make those things click on my brain. Dates, memorization, faces, titles, etc etc is a no for me and takes so much time and effort. I have to also constantly work to not regress in skills, so I’m constantly learning to not lose the skills I have gained throughout the years.

For adaptive skills, that includes things like self care, communication skills, self-direction, etc etc. I struggle with all of these. If someone communicates something to me like a time and place or directions, or something along those lines, they have to write it down or it can get scrambled in my head, then forget it, the whole things is mixed up and everything is wrong and I can’t get to where I need to be. Relying information to other people is also very hard for me because of this. Information gets switched up, lost, etc. it’s very hard and I have to have things written down at all times.

For judgement, my judgement is severely impaired. I’m known for staying in relationships (platonic, romantic, etc) way past their due date, and I’m often manipulated and abused in relationships and still stay. I often times have to get my parents involved and for them to help me through it. It’s very tricky and difficult to deal with, because my brain just doesn’t get it, and I will stay in relationships even if they’re harming me.

For problem solving skills, that’s hard for me too. Solving situations, etc etc is really difficult, as well as even something simple as problem solving games, i suck at those and they’re so confusing to me. Puzzles? Forget it. Sudoku? Forget it. Can’t do it at all.

There’s probably a lot I’m missing, and I’m probably not stating it all, but this is just what comes to mind! I hope you have a lovely day and feel free to ask further questions.

#zebrambles #intellectual disability #asks and answers

22 notes · View notes

zoeykallus · 8 months

Note

Hi there! I love your headcanons and I was wondering if I could make a personal request. Let me know if this is a no-go.

I have PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, basically PMS [premenstrual syndrome] but 20x worse. It usually resolves upon the onset of the crimson wave. But not all the time.

I have been struggling really badly with the deep depression, insomnia, and self-image issues brought on by my disorder.

Do you think we can see how the Batch handles their fem reader S/O struggling with this disorder specifically? And maybe, if it's not too much, a part 2 with some of our favorite regs?

Thank you so much!

Aloha my dear!

Oh, this is a heavy hitter, I know where you are coming from. So many people out there have no idea how freaking much this can affect someone's life. PMS is already a hard thing to deal with, but PMDD brings it to yet another really shitty level. Don't worry, I got you 😊

The Bad Batch x Afab!Reader HCs - Struggling With PMDD

Warnings: Mention of PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and its symptoms /Hurt/Comfort/Fluff

_______

AC: I'm using Techs Part first to introduce PMDD and its symptoms to those who might not know what it is. So don't be surprised about Tech's Part being longer than the others, there is a lot of information in there. So please read Tech's part, to understand what this is all about 😊

_______

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

_______

Tech

The first experiences he has with you in this context are frightening for him. Apart from the fact that you suddenly seem like a completely different person to him, he is really worried about you. But Tech wouldn't be Tech if he didn't get to the bottom of this.

It takes him a little while to find the right material.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a much more severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). It may affect women of childbearing age. It’s a severe and chronic medical condition that needs attention and treatment. Lifestyle changes and sometimes medicines can help manage symptoms.

The exact cause of PMDD is not known. It may be an abnormal reaction to normal hormone changes that happen with each menstrual cycle. The hormone changes can cause a serotonin deficiency. Serotonin is a substance found naturally in the brain and intestines that narrows blood vessels and can affect mood and cause physical symptoms.

What are the risk factors for PMDD?

While any woman can develop PMDD, the following may be at increased risk:

Women with a family history of PMS or PMDD

Women with a personal or family history of depression, postpartum depression, or other mood disorders

Other possible risk factors include lower education and cigarette smoking

Talk with your healthcare provider for more information.

"Healthcare provider?" he mumbles softly between reading, "As if any of us have such a thing"

Symptoms of PMDD appear during the week before menstruation and end within a few days after your period starts. These symptoms disrupt daily living tasks. Symptoms of PMDD are so severe that women have trouble functioning at home, at work, and in relationships during this time. This is markedly different than other times during the month.

There is a chart with symptoms and he worriedly starts to read it.

The following are the most common symptoms of PMDD:

Psychological symptoms

Irritability

Nervousness

Lack of control

Agitation

Anger

Insomnia

Difficulty in concentrating

Depression

Severe fatigue

Anxiety

Confusion

Forgetfulness

Poor self-image

Paranoia

Emotional sensitivity

Crying spells

Moodiness

Trouble sleeping

Fluid retention

Swelling of the ankles, hands, and feet

Periodic weight gain

Diminished urine output

Breast fullness and pain

Respiratory problems

Allergies

Infections

Eye complaints

Vision changes

Eye infection

Gastrointestinal symptoms

Abdominal cramps

Bloating

Constipation

Nausea

Vomiting

Pelvic heaviness or pressure

Backache

Skin problems

Acne

Skin inflammation with itching

Aggravation of other skin disorders, including cold sores

Neurologic and vascular symptoms

Headache

Dizziness

Fainting

Numbness, prickling, tingling, or heightened sensitivity of arms and/or legs

Easy bruising

Heart palpitations

Muscle spasms

Other

Decreased coordination

Painful menstruation

Diminished sex drive

Appetite changes

Food cravings

Hot flashes

His brows are drawn together critically. With a heavy sigh, he says quietly to himself, "Oh boy…"

Tech makes it his business to see that you are examined by a proper doctor, given appropriate medication, and change your diet. He sometimes seems stern and matter-of-fact, but only when he notices you neglecting yourself. Tech also pampers you to counteract the psychological symptoms, with picnics, massages and the like.

Don't worry too much, Tech's got your back. He won't give up on you.

Hunter

His senses already tell him what connections exist with your condition. But of course he is not a doctor and therefore informs himself accordingly without your knowledge, Tech helps him. What he learns frightens him, Hunter is really worried, and he makes it his mission to make this time, these symptoms, easier for you. Apart from making sure you always have the medication you need at hand, he is also much more attentive and caring than usual during this time.

You can let yourself go and not have to worry about anything, Hunter takes everything in hand and has it under control. He is especially gentle and forgiving with you during this time. You mean a lot to him, and he does his absolute best to help you.

He doesn't argue with you when you get your moods, if you want to be alone he respects that, but keeps an eye on you from a safe distance, just in case.

Echo

This sweet man really throws himself into the task of helping you. Whether it's getting your medications, preparing food, massages, and running relaxing baths, Echo has it all covered.

With him by your side, you will want for nothing during this difficult time. He is also not easily scared away, he is as patient as he is stubborn. You don't have to go to the doctor alone, Echo will accompany you.

He organizes your medication, your diet and everything else you need, if you want. If you don't, you must tell him clearly, because Echo will automatically see his task in taking care of everything.

Wrecker

He is warm, and lively. Contrary to the expectations of most, he is also very sensitive and attentive. Of course, he does not miss the fact that something is wrong with you. Of course, he is worried and wants to help.

Talk to him honestly, try not to withdraw, and you will have a steadfast supporter and caretaker in Wrecker. He likes to spoil you, make sure you are taken care of and have your medication.

Wrecker is happy to adapt to you, you just need to communicate with him and let him know what you need. Taking care of you is very easy for him, he likes to do that. Knowing that he can make things easier for you is also good for him in this situation. So confide in him, there is absolutely no reason to pretend in front of him.

Crosshair

He is a bit more complicated at first. Of course, you are incredibly important to him, and he also has a certain empathy, but he often stands in his own way when it comes to emotional, interpersonal things.

At first, he can't really deal with it at all and is looking for some distance at this time. But in a small conversation between brothers, in which Hunter makes it clear to him that his behavior sooner or later can seriously damage your relationship, Crosshair first informs himself more precisely about the existing problem. Finally, he approaches you with the knowledge he has gathered and tries to discuss with you what you can do together as a couple, what he can do as your partner to make the whole thing easier for you.

You talk about medications, doctor visits, relaxation techniques, and home remedies to combat some symptoms. It doesn't take long for the two of you to work out a certain routine that you can both manage and that he can use to help you get through this time okay.

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@allsystemsblue

@palliateclaw

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@extrahotpixels

@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

@malicemercy

@bebopsworld

@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@jediknightjana

@pb-jellybeans

@antishadow2021

@sleepycreativewriter

@projectdreamwalker

@1vlouds

126 notes · View notes

eldritch-spouse · 8 months

Note

Good morning!! I’m just thinking about your demons again. I ADORE the new additions. 💕

What kind of traits do demons typically find appealing romantically? Like, I know how to woo these folks for the most part, but what passive traits do they find impressive?

Like, I know they’re diverse and no two people like the same thing. Just wondering about “beauty” standards in the circles (not beauty, we know about beauty, I can’t think of the right word). Like, I assume gluttons would appreciate other big eaters, or good cooks, and concubi can appreciate promiscuity of all sorts, or on the flip side, find purity appealing and/or cute.

(I especially would love to know what pride demons typically find attractive.)

[Thenk you! <:7]

That's a little bit vague, I'm not too sure where to go from here, so I'm kind of going to ramble. Not that it's hard to guess. I'll stray from physical descriptions.

There's a trick to this I'll explain at the end.

Wrath demons tend to romanticize hard-headed bulls who never back down from a challenge, as you might imagine. People who stick by their values and exude determination, not easily swayed. People hardened by time and their environment, who rise from the lowest lows to the highest of platforms with grace and respect.

Others may enjoy someone whose fury is subtle yet extremely well calculated, strategized, flawless. Of course, many of them fetishize murderers, violent miscreants of all kinds, serial killers and the aggressively insane;

Greed demons will naturally flock to anyone who's financially "abundant". People who spend carelessly because they earn carelessly. Though many of them will also keep a sharp eye on stingy people who count everything down to the last penny. Sometimes saving a huge chunk of money by executing a series of cheap and clever exploits is enough to have these demons fanning themselves;

Many other greedy demons have fallen for notorious heist authors, prolific robbers, successful scammers, and all sorts of scummy people;

Gluttons do gravitate towards chefs, big eaters and those who own large chains of food, maybe well-known restaurants or even some brands of snacks that they really like. It varies. Those who are always hungry are obviously picked sooner, followed by those with a variety of eating disorders;

Although not as common, some more well-off gluttons pick partners who are extremely thin or otherwise unable to satiate their hunger due to a less genuine drive to "fix" that, or somehow captivate that person by letting them overindulge;

Envy demons tend to hover around those with great social influence. People that fawn attention, people who can start shit in public and get away with it. Celebrities, moles, those who spread their roots everywhere and have way too many connections. A good ability to adapt socially in short spans of time is also extremely coveted in partners;

Likewise, those at the very bottom of the latter, practically foaming at the mouth with their jealousy, ready to perform the most heinous of acts to attain even a crumb of their desires, are also appealing to these demons. The perfect cup-sized storm ready to burst;

Discussed plenty already, concubi are lovers of shameless sensuality and high-libidos. People who control chunks of the porn industry are highly sought after, those who own sex shops, who design the toys they use and abuse, those who write eroticas or administer large kink communities. Where perverts gather so do they, always ready to pick and pluck their favorite heathens;

Still, the fantasy of purity and corruption is very present in many concubi alike, which is what leads them to infiltrate communities of sexually frustrated people and drive them insane with want. Many go a step further and seek to scandalize people of faith, engaging is rancid displays inside sacred locations because the thrill of getting someone so disciplined to give in makes their heads spin with pleasure;

Sloth demons are into soft-spoken people. Those who live very comforted lives with little to get in the way and all the pleasures they could wish for at the tip of their fingers. Those whose hands are uncalloused because they've never had to work for anything in their lives, who might even take it all for granted;

In stark contrast, many will also seek people who are exhausted in all senses of the word. Who can never seem to get enough rest, who work themselves to the bone, frail and weathered and so chewed up inside, the plight for a break present in those heavy bags under their sunken eyes;

Pride demons covet the image of perfection. Whether or not that immaculate presentation is true or not matters none so long as it appears that way outwardly. They seek someone who can elevate them, someone who usually has others trailing after them, people with titles and so much arrogance it might physically hurt to be near them for long periods of time;

Many are also opportunistic however, willing to pick a partner who is down in the slums, dirty and ridden of all dignity. Someone who can't afford to say no to them, can't leave them, will see them as very center of the universe because what would they be without that demon? Nothing. The truest form of adoration for them, total worship, total dependence.

As you might have already guessed, there's contradictions here. The reason why is simple.

Demons of lower rank will usually choose those who are more true and successful representations/reminders of their sin. Because they have a lot to gain from pairing with them.

Demons of higher rank are already after those who desperately need their services, who covet what the sins can offer. Because people in their service and debt make for good lovers, in their eyes.

Mid rankers are a bit of a toss up.

This is not to say that there aren't exceptions to these tendencies, or that they can't exhibit completely opposite tastes, it's the general rule, the norm so to say.

#general tce #vaya-mernda

54 notes · View notes

nanowrimo · 1 year

Text

50k is Overrated: NaNoWriMo from a Disabled Author's Perspective

While it’s great to reach 50,000 words, it should not be a measure of success! Being a successful writer can be different for everyone, especially if you’re disabled. NaNo participant Quinn Clark talks about their experiences participating in NaNo as a disabled writer and writing tips to keep in mind.

NaNoWriMo is the gold standard for adrenaline fueled productivity. Oh, the allure of telling all your friends you wrote 50,000 words in a month! No wonder we all get so excited each year.

But what happens when you have a disability which conflicts with the caffeine-bingeing, late-night-sprint lifestyle so associated with NaNo?

Here’s the secret: NaNoWriMo isn’t really about the 50k. It’s about progress — whatever that looks like to you. The path to 50k is just the most well-known version of NaNoWriMo: it’s less a hard-and-fast rule, and more a landmark to guide your writing journey.

I’m an author, and I’ve participated in NaNoWriMo every year for twelve years. I also have a disability called Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). CPTSD affects me in a variety of ways: dissociation, panic attacks, and a medley of unpredictable physical symptoms which make my day-to-day life difficult to navigate. As is true for countless disabled and/or neurodivergent writers, no matter how much I want to do everything at once, some days my functioning is reduced and I need time for rest, support, and recovery.

So, what does my NaNoWriMo success rate look like? Well, I’ve ‘won’ NaNoWriMo (hit the 50k words within November) seven times out of those twelve attempts, with a cumulative word count of 446,760 words.

“Oh, that’s terrible!” some of you may cry. “How have you lost so many times?”

“Man, I wish I could write that much,” others might lament. “How have you done NaNo every year for so long?”

I’ve had both of these responses from different writers before, and that fact reveals something important. Your writing process is a unique and personal thing, and it won’t always be compatible with other people’s standards. Here’s a question:

Does the 1k someone writes for one NaNoWriMo matter less than the 50k they wrote for another?

Of course not. Everyday, we wake up to our social media feeds glutted with success stories and the pervasive idea that burnout is the path to success. This notion is incompatible with disability and neurodiversity, and is therefore inaccessible. While this style of breakneck working is great for meeting your short-term goals, it is awful for consistent, meaningful progress — and even more so for your well-being. Forcing yourself to write when you’re fatigued, nauseous, exhausted, dissociated and/or depressed is a sure-fire way to associate writing with punishment, rather than joy and weirdness and creativity. Yes, many of us enjoy writing when we’re feeling bad as a form of escapism — but foregoing self-care in the name of hitting arbitrary word targets is unhealthy, and is not in the spirit of NaNoWriMo. No matter how many words you make yourself write, if you are suffering to get them down, your writing will suffer alongside you.

…So how do we win?

Don’t worry — it’s not all doom and gloom. You deserve to take care of yourself, whether you’re writing or not. Here are some tips for making NaNoWriMo a disability-friendly experience:

1. Listen to your body and brain now, not later.

Many of us are guilty of this (I’m looking at you, fellow neurodivergent writers!): pushing past the need to eat, or drink, or use the bathroom because you ‘need’ to hit today’s target. Perhaps you’re deep in hyperfocus, or are feeling guilty for taking yesterday off because you couldn’t get out of bed. That’s okay — don’t beat yourself up! Remember to treat accountability for your needs the same way you treat accountability for your writing. Listen to what your brain and body are trying to tell you: NaNoWriMo, or any similar project, is not more important than your well-being. Take that nap, grab that snack, and spend the day bundled in bed if you need to. A burnt-out writer will just start to hate the writing process. I promise you start responding to your own needs, your desire to write will gradually return. After all, writers find it impossible to stay away from the craft!

2. Commiserate with others.

There is great power in sharing your experiences. For years I kept quiet about my mental health struggles, thinking that if people knew about my condition, I wouldn’t be seen as a ‘real’ writer. But something magical happened the first time I spoke to a friend about my disability affecting my writing: they felt able to open up too. Being honest about your bad days in a way which is comfortable for you is a magnificent vulnerability. You humanise yourself in the eyes of others, and in turn are humbled by the strength of your fellow writers. Regardless of diagnosis, label or background, the human desire to be understood and validated is incredibly valuable. You may find that talking helps make your writing journey a good bit lighter.

3. Allow yourself to fail.

‘Failure’is an acidic word to writers — but it doesn’t need to be. You are not a failure because you didn’t reach a goal. You are not a failure because you changed plans. You are not a failure because you are sick, or tired, or working on a different schedule. All those NaNos I did where I didn’t hit the 50k are still so important: one sentence, one word, one idea is still better than nothing at all. You don’t need to plot every missed deadline or ‘unproductive’ work day against a graph of your own self-worth. Be proud of your achievements, and look to the next challenge — whatever that may be.

Good luck to you all on your writing journeys! And the next time you start down that self-flagellating hate-spiral for needing a couple hours off, remember: You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t write as an empty writer.

Quinn Clark is an award-winning author, poet and researcher from the North East of England. A fan of unfiction, folklore and etymology, Quinn weaves narratives of trauma with fantastical characters to provide an insight into the misunderstood experiences of disability.Quinn has a children's colouring book commissioned by Ladybird Books due for publication next year, and is working on their ACE-funded debut novel: the science fiction-fantasy romp Out of Your Depth, following an exhausted scientist who gains the ability to transform into an octopus. You can learn more about their work on their website (https://quinnclark.co.uk), or over on their Twitter (@adashofseaglass). They also have an essay in Kat Brown's upcoming Unbound publication, 'No One Talks About This Stuff'. Photo by Keren Fedida on Unsplash

#nanowrimo #writing #amwriting #writing advice #disability #neurodiversity #by nano guest #quinn clark #disabled writers

247 notes · View notes

anti-katsuki-lounge · 5 months

Note

I was wondering your thoughts on Yui Kodai and what would you have done differently with her character?

Alright, buckle up, cause this is going to be a trip down head-canon city 😂. Feel free to let me know what you think about my head-canons.

So Yui’s seen as a blank slate character. In the manga/anime, she has little to no personality and really only exists to enlarge objects for other characters to use. However, even from such a small template, there’s quite a lot you can do with her.

Before we start, I wanna say that Yui’s got one of my favorite designs in all of fiction. I don’t know why I like it so much, but I think it’s cause it’s the perfect blend of cute and plain. I tend to like the simpler designs and she’s without a doubt got that all down.

Now for the head-canons:

- Yui’s a clear introvert. So much so that her idea of fun is hanging out in her room either alone or with one individual who’s on a similar wavelength to hers, hence why she’s usually seen around Reiko… whenever she’s out of her room. 1-B’s a bit too eccentric for her most of the time, but it’s not like she’s got any ill will towards them. She sees them as friendly people and doesn’t really resist being dragged around to their hangout sessions, but she’s not too involved with anything they do.

- Yui’s a cat person over a dog person. She really likes dogs, and animals in general, but cats have a personality similar to hers so she enjoys their company.

- She’s a huge Ultraman fan. So much so that if someone gives her the time, she can recount everything there needs to be known about the Ultraman series. She also likes other manga and anime, but Ultraman’s really where her passion lies. Why did I pick Ultraman of all things? It’s cause her costume and quirk are actually based on Ultraman.

- Yui’s stoic nature is due to the popular kuudere trope, but if we wanna add a realistic explanation for why she’s stoic, in one of my fics, I’ve made it so she has Schizoid personality disorder. For the most part, Yui feels like she’s more of an observer when it comes to her life. She struggles to make meaningful relationships in her life, struggles to find excitement, and a reason to exist. She’s not suicidal or anything, but it’s hard for her to get involved with the world. She’d rather be in her own world, which is quiet, cozy, and the one place she can find entertainment.

- Though mostly apathetic to the world around her, in her eyes, she knows there’s something “wrong” with her. It’s something that gnaws at her and is one of the rare topics that’ll cause her to get frustrated. When she gets like this, she shuts down as drifts off into space. This is one of those head-canons that is based around my own experiences with my mental health.

- When it comes to friends, Yui has given it little thought. She views 1-B as friendly people she interacts with, but isn’t sure she’d call them her friends due to her struggles of forming relationships. At best, she closest with Reiko, but it’s due to Reiko being a quiet individual herself and the fact their quirks synergize with one another’s.

- Yui’s got a 5/6 A+ ranking in skill. How does that translate into a fight? First off, she knows numerous martial arts, that much is a given. She took it to feel more alive and ended up being quite good at it. Her brain doesn’t really overthink things, so she never hesitates. That’s not to say that she isn’t a strategic fighter. One of Yui’s favorite tricks is tossing an item and enlarging it. Against those with destructive quirks like Katsuki, it forces them to either dodge or break the item, and when the enemy breaks it Yui capitalizes on the new weapons. In a fight, Yui’s quick and to the point. Her model of fighting is to finish things as quickly as possible, and she doesn’t think twice about playing dirty. Throat punches, striking pressure points, enlarging objects like rocks to bludgeon someone with them, she’ll go for it all. If she has to break someone’s leg to get an advantage, she’ll do so too. Her method of fighting’s something most people would see as brutal and somewhat morbid, but for Yui, it’s a means to an end, and due to her apathetic nature, she almost never hesitates to go for low blows if at a disadvantage. She does know self control though, but she doesn’t really care what others think about the way she fights.

- Her reason for being a hero is a mixture of her being inspired by the Ultraman comics and because people told her she’d make for a good hero due to her quirk and skills. Having no other prospects in life, she decided to give hero work a chance. Hero work’s one of the few things she’s somewhat passionate about and she hopes to learn a bit about herself along the way.

- According to Hori, Yui had a fanclub of guys who liked her in middle-school. Yui has no idea about their existence. For the most part, people see Yui as an enigma. No one knows what’s going on inside her head and that combined with her looks is why she’s popular with guys. She has no idea when guys are flirting with her and is always blunt with her answers. For the most part, she’s not interested in relationships, mainly because she lacks the ability to form such relationships, but if someone can knock down all her walls, she might be interested.

These are all my head-canons for Yui. I know it’s a lot for a character with very little screen time but let me know what you all think 😊

#mha headcanons #yui kodai

24 notes · View notes

thepaintedlady00 · 1 year

Note

If you feel up to it could you do a blurb with Dream and a narcoleptic Reader? BC I have it and I think it's funny that I took one look at him and was like 'it's destiny.' Luke I have Sleepy Bitch Disorder and I'm crushing on the Lord of Dreams it's perfect.

Of course only if you want to but the thought of Morpheus with someone who has a sleep disorder? Cute and also funny.

(Fun Fact: narcoleptics spend more time in REM sleep, and get there faster than other sleepers, which is when dreams happen. My body just likes the Dreaming too much lol)

Absolutely! Sorry it took so long for me to get to, my schedule has been insane! But I feel like Dream would make time for people with sleep disorders cause he's such a softie! 🥰😩 It'll be down below, please enjoy!

Meeting the great King of Dreams had been completely unplanned, though you suppose given your particular condition it shouldn't have been so surprising. It started off as an accident, you stumbled into him while looking through the books in the library. You still remembered the chill that swept over you when you ran into his solid back and stumbled backwards. "Sorry!"

"You should mind where you walk." He'd said coldly, only taking his eyes from the shelf to glare at you a bit.

However rude he came off, you brushed it off and started looking for your own book. Usually the librarian, a kind and beautiful woman called Lucienne, would be around to help you but she'd been absent this time. When you finally found the book it was of course just out of reach. You stood on the tips of your toes and raised yourself as high as you could to no avail. With a huff you looked to the dark haired man. "Hey, legs, you mind helping me out?"

The look he regarded you with was one of disbelief and mild annoyance, but there was a hint of something in the deep blues of his eyes that you'd learn later was amusement. He wordlessly grabbed the book for you and left with his own not even waiting for you to thank him. When Lucienne had returned and informed you of who the man was you smacked your head to the table and groaned, mortified that you had called the King of Dreams "legs".

You were worried that as punishment he'd send you bad dreams or bar you from returning to the library, and given you spent longer dreaming than normal people those options were not something you thought you could live with. When you returned the following night you found him again, actively seeking him out and introducing yourself to him. Lord Morpheus was surprised by you, both your fearlessness in seeking him out and at you acknowledgment of this all as reality rather than another dream as most other humans had done. Once you'd told him of your narcolepsy his glares and coldness had shifted somewhat and he'd assured you that he'd not cut you off from The Dreaming. In fact he spent the whole night giving you a tour, insisting that if you were going to spend a large portion of time in his realm you ought to know where everything was.

The Dreaming was beautiful, full of life and wonder and a peacefulness that the real, or Waking as Morpheus called it, world simply didn't. As you visits continued you became well known and liked among those that lived in the dream world, even Lord Morpheus. The two of you often ran into one another in the library. At first it was simple exchanges, a soft hello and cold reply good evening then the two of you read your books in silence. It wasn't until the appearance of his raven companion, Matthew, that your meetings turned into conversation. Matthew always started them, asking simple questions about you before Morpheus would eventually speak and the two of you would talk.

It was silly how attached you'd grown to him in the shirt months that had passed. Silly how you'd asked him to visit you in the real world, and absolutely ridiculous that he'd granted your request. The first time he appeared in your apartment you'd thrown a shoe at him, startled, and the second time you'd nearly punched him. "God damn I need to put a bell on you!" You'd joked before "inviting" him in. Now it was so normal you'd barely reacted to his unannounced appearances. He spent hours with you, reading, walking through the park, watching movies even going grocery shopping with you a few times. Morpheus, the mighty king of dreams, came to you so often in both dreams and upon waking that everyone else pestered you about when you'd tell the Endless being that you were hopelessly in love with him. Of course you'd scoffed at the mere thought. How would you, a human normal and plain, ever be what a dream god would want?

You had forced yourself to bury your feelings and cherish the friendship he offered to you. That was enough. Simply getting to see him, even not romantically, was enough. Or at least it had been... Until the incident.

The two of you were in the library, searching the shelves as you often did. You'd found a book you wanted to read and reached for it. Of course it was far too high up for you to reach, but before you could do much a cold presence slid behind you. Morpheus' chest pressed snugly against your back as he reached over you and grabbed the book off the shelf, lowering it into your waiting hand.

"Is this the one you wanted?" He whispered in your ear and just like that all notions of simple friendship vanished.

You blushed, hot and out of breath by the simple sound of his voice. Clutching the book to your chest you turned to him. "Yes, thank you."

His cold fingers brushed the hair from your face, tilting your head up. His starlit blue eyes net yours, consuming every thought. "I am glad to be of help, darling dreamer."

God damn him.

316 notes · View notes

philosetumble · 10 months

Text

Can You Not Hear It?

The future within our grasp? That ACHING, CLAWING NEED for us to just REACH OUT and take the reins.

That future whereby public consciousness exceeds our individual knowledge, and we become so deeply driven by eachother. Knowing that if one of us can, then all of us can.

The desire to truly, once and for all take care of eachother. We all just want to make it in this world, and we're so close to a point where we can drag eachother into the future.

The advances we've made in the last century alone have been nothing short of magical. Thinking up new ways to solve our health, increasing our lifespans by decades. We are on the cusp of infinite energy. We're just short of fully cybernetic limbs, and soon regrowable body parts.

The backsliding anti-progressives cannot hold on for much longer, they don't have the power to resist that overbearing monstrosity that is tearing away our backs lest we forget to run.

That monster that tells us there's no way back. Progress slides ever onwards, it's as ever as it has been. We no longer need the hysterics about it, the future is in our grasp, we need but seize it.

We are so connected in thought, feeling, love, acceptance and popular dissuasion.

OOOH CAN YOU NOT FEEL IT?! I know you! As you know me! We have never met, we will never meet, but I KNOW you.

Do you not see that far off sliver of an edge where a beautiful future waits for us. Look at how close it is, WE CAN SEE IT.

Humanity's expansion is one of harmony, don't you see? We want to be the benevolent progenitors so badly. Look at how often we write about it. The people before us looked like us, they were better than we are. All across science fiction, fantasy. THE STORIES WE TELL. We write about aliens coming by and gifting us great ancestral knowledge, because we know that we'd do that if we had that power. We instinctively try to raise up others.

Don't you feel that gnawing need to just HELP EACHOTHER?! Cut out the things that are terrible, let them fall away. You just need to understand we exist in as much space as we can take. Our bubbles end where another begins, and we test eachother's boundaries.

We learn those boundaries so we know what to do when those boundaries break. And we push eachother forward. Get back up, dust off your knees, there's work to do, but we don't have to die for it. We have to live for it.

CAN YOU NOT.

FEEEEEEL IT?!

The future begs for us.

Do you ever wonder if some of our drastic brain disorders are simply unable to process our advances, or some so well equipped for a future not arriving fast enough? Once you live long enough, our brains maybe, just can't process our progress. What if we knew it was coming because it no longer felt like magic.

Every ounce of science fiction was always about what we could be. Telling us what to avoid and what to take with us. Our lessons, successes, failures, and noble truths.

Telling us that the smallest virus can take out so much of us, the most advanced civilization we've ever known. Telling us that if we go too far into the future, we'll look at those behind as monsters.

But we can slow down a little. Time happens anyway. Neither it, nor us, can be stopped. Settle things in a true court of public opinion, make better the lives of those before us, so they can rest knowing that we'll be able take us to the next checkpoint.

We save ourselves by saving eachother. CAN YOU NOT FEEL THAT FUTURE?!

Scientists ready to go, you know, whenever.

can you not hear the echoes of a million stories telling us to GO. Find us, find you, in the future, as you were so will you be!

That city in the clouds we ALWAYS dream of, utopias of perfect community with our planet, the best of us stopping the worst before the worst happens.

Someone will always say NO before the worst, because we've made the big mistake 520 times. And we let it happen, because we just HAD to know, we just couldn't resist the urge to watch how quickly we could decimate our population.

We're the greatest monsters of this planet, and we knew it all along. But we are also it's greatest help, or we can be, if we just give in to that beast egging us forward.

CAN YOU NOT FEEL IT, OUR MINDS BECOMING ONE

#can you not feel it #tumblr philosophy #philosophy #futurism #transhumanism #cyborg #utopia #cyborg utopia #us again #us then #us forward #us onward #the future of us #c'est un vape

48 notes · View notes

aspd-culture · 10 months

Note

Hey, do you know if ASPD can be caused by prolonged emotional abuse? Bc usually i see it being a result of like the worst trauma ever known to man so im wondering if thats a misconception

Was mostly doing the culture asks rn but this is important and idk how long it sat in there!

Yes yes yes ASPD can and often is caused by emotional abuse. Those common traumas being heavily associated with ASPD is because for a while it was believed ASPD was mainly caused by CSA, and the knowledge that that isn't the case hasn't fully trickled down. While it is more common for people in those super rough situations to end up with ASPD, it's more because people in those situations are less likely to have their emotional needs being met while trying to tolerate that trauma. I would argue that the majority of pwASPD have experienced some amount of emotional abuse or neglect. You do not need to have physical or s*xual abuse, torture, etc etc to have ASPD.

When it comes to any trauma disorders, remember as best you can that childhood trauma is through the eyes of a child. Children don't usually have a concept of "oh this isn't that bad because unspeakable things happen to other children that don't happen to me". They have nothing to compare it to, but the worst thing to happen to them feels the same as the worst thing to happen to an adult. Hell, I'm fairly certain that ASPD can develop without abuse being the specific source of the trauma, though it's probably uncommon.

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome

38 notes · View notes

spaghettificationandpretzels · 1 year

Text

Oh, Hello

Mayans MC Masterlist

Part one of A Gentle Kind of Love.

Contains: Fluff, mutual pining, angst (endless longing and hints at a dark backstory, ) slow burn, flashbacks in italics.

6K words

Comment if you want to be tagged/removed or follow #a gentle kind of love.

"When I saw you, it was quiet for the first time in recent memory."

You put your hand on your face, your side aching from laughter, "no Angel, despite what the TV shows tell you, we can't diagnose children with psychopathy, we have to wait until they're adults."

Angel huffed, "then what do they have?"

Manny waved his hand, "you told me this the other day, it's a conduct disorder."

You smiled, "that's right, you remembered."

Manny smiled, his eyes filled with cheer, "well sweetheart, everything you say is interesting so of course I remember." You felt a wave of embarrassment come over you. Just because you weren't going to give it away doesn't mean you weren't overwhelmed with shyness at the handsome Mayan's praise.

"I'm going to get myself some water, you guys want anything?"

Manny smiled, "a beer please Tesoro."

You walked over to the bar and Angel leaned close to his brother and spoke just loud enough for Manny to hear, "oh y/n, you're so smart, please let me touch your tits."

Manny huffed, "shut up man, just because I listen doesn't mean I want in her pants."

Angel smiled, "you don't just want in her pants, you want to make sweet, sweet love to her because you're all goo goo eyed."

Manny slapped his chest, "shut up, she's coming back." You handed the beer to Manny with a smile, not too long ago, you never would have thought this would be how you'd be spending every weekend.

You had been in Santo Parde for two months when you saw him on the street."Cruz, is that you?" You recognise those tattoos anywhere, Coco turned his head and broke out in a run towards you, leaving his friends behind to watch on as he wrapped you in his arms.

"What are you doing here?"

You smiled, "settling down, I had to trade off the blazing heat for the humidity but I got sick of the rain making my head hurt. How are you going?"

Coco smiled, "better, I'm six months clean."

You hugged him again, "that's wonderful news Coco, I'm so happy for you."

His friends wandered over, "are you going to introduce us to your friend Coco?" You smiled and stuck out your hand, "I'm y/n, it's a pleasure to meet you."

The tall man smiled and accepted your hand, "I'm Angel, and this is my younger and much less handsome brother EZ."

Coco huffed, "don't even think about it man."

Angel raised his hands, "I wasn't doing anything, how did you two meet?"

Your faces fell, "oversea, I'm a trauma counsellor and went over there to help out, I work mainly with kids."

Coco smiled, "yeah, I think she spent more time giving us therapy than the kids."

You shook your head, "just thanking you for keeping me safe."

He laughed, "until you weren't."

You nodded, "yeah, that wasn't part of the plan."

EZ's brows wrinkled, "wait, you're that y/n?"

You smiled, "you been talking about me Cruz?"

Coco smiled, "just telling them how cool you are."

You shook your head, "it was nice to meet you two, I better be getting back home or my cats are going to kill me."

You did your best to avoid the Clubhouse parties on the weekends, too many loud noises and too many loud people but their sad faces every time you turned them down finally made you cave. It didn't take long for you to warm to everyone but Manny was a different story, the first time you met eyes, it was like you had known him your whole life.

You walked in and looked around, the Clubhouse was nice enough. It smelt like booze and smoke and sex and the music was just loud enough to be annoying. Coco stayed close as he took you around to his brothers, each one smiling softly as you introduced yourself.

"Is that everyone?"

Coco shook his head, "nah, Manny and Riz are out, they'll be back soon." You sat with him and Angel, talking about what you thought of the town,

"So Coco tells me you're some kind of fancy Dr lady."

You rolled your eyes, "I have a PhD in psychology, not that fancy."

Angel smiled and turned his head, "hey golden boy, you've got some competition."

Coco huffed, "sorry about him, EZ's the brains of our operation."

You shook your head, "I'm sure you cope just fine." A door opened and Coco stood up and waved the man over. You looked him over, he was tall, with long hair and a soft face.

"That's Riz."

You accepted his extended hand, "it's nice to finally meet you y/n, Coco's said a lot."

"Where's Manny?"

Riz shrugged, "refuelling, he'll be in soon." Riz went off to deal with something else and you, Coco and Angel settled into an easy conversation, that was until the door opened again.

Time slowed as the man walked in, he was tall too, maybe a little taller than everyone else and lean, his long neck made to look even longer by the block letters inked on it. He walked over at Coco's raised hand, a charming smile on his face.

You stood up and he came closer, "I'm Manny." He took your offered hand, his skin was warm and rough, carved from years of manual labour, the rings in his fingers cold against your flesh as he squeezed gently.

"Oh, hello Manny, I'm y/n."

He smiled and said your name like he was tasting it, "hi y/n." His voice was the perfect mix of gravel and soft and you wished you could crawl into his long arms and fall asleep to the sound of it.

"I know EZ is short for Ezekiel, is Manny short for Emmanuel?"

He smiled, he liked the sound of his name coming out of your mouth, "yes ma'am."

You had known everyone for three weeks when pulled Bishop and Coco aside early one night before things got busy, "I want to cook dinner for everyone. You've all been so welcoming to me and I want to say thank you."

Coco nodded aggressively, "fuck yeah."

Bishop glanced at him, "are you going to let me have a say, this is my charter."

Coco looked at Bishop like he had three heads, "you have to try her cooking man, she could turn an MRE into a feast. We'll all be there at six thirty."

Bishop smiled with a shake of his head, "thank you, we'll be happy to take you up on your offer."

You smiled, "wonderful, just make sure everyone texts me about their allergies and come hungry."

You had planned the dinner for six thirty but Manny, Angel and Coco showed up at four. When you opened the door, Coco lifted a box filled with cans and bottles, "you know, I bought booze for tonight.."

Coco smiled, "we wanted to help out."

You sighed, "so I'll feed you before dinner or because you want credit?"

Coco walked in and tossed off his shoes, the others following, "both."

You shook your head, "alright, it's going to be a lot of work so I hope you're ready."

You walked them into the kitchen, Manny looked around, a curious look on his face, "where are your kitties?"

You pointed towards the back, "in the sunroom because I'm cooking. I'm feeling pretty unloved here, no 'how was your day y/n, what are you cooking?' you went right to the cats."

Manny shrugged, "your cats are cool."

You huffed, "well, you can see them once we're done here."

You explained what you needed them to do , "why does Manny get to do the icing while we're stuck cutting onions and chillies?"

You rolled your eyes, "because I know he has the self control not to eat it."

Manny smiled, "I won't disappoint you."

Angel and Coco shared a look, "this food better be worth my onion tears."

Coco chuckled, "trust me mano, it is."

They were actually quite helpful, although Angel couldn't cook for shit but he was a fast study, "you sure they'll be enough for us to take some home?"

You giggled, "yes, Coco, for the fourth time, unless everyone eats their weight in food, there will be enough for everyone to take leftovers."

The other arrived right on six thirty, Creeper pushing his way in, "are the cats out?"

You sighed, "Manny and Angel are with them in the sunroom." Riz smiled like he was going to ask you a question, "yes, you can meet them too, I think Lady Midnight will like you."

You had to bang on the door to get them to come out for dinner, "please stop making out with my cats and come and eat."

They left the sunroom with smiles on their faces, "they are very cute." You were right Lady Midnight liked Riz.

"I know, you should see them all curled up in a cuddle puddle. Is everyone ready to eat now?"

"Fuck yeah, it smells great." Bishop had already sat at the long oval table in the middle of the small dining room.

"We helped."

You smiled, "yes Coco, you, Manny and Angel were great helpers." The start of the diner was quiet, the only sound was people asking what they were eating, "good?"

Someone moaned, "mmm ah ha."

Angel swallowed his bite and put another one on his fork, "better than sex."

You laughed, "I don't know whether that was a compliment or you just told on yourself."

There was a burst of laughter and Hank tapped the table in humour, "oh, I like you."

Sadly, there wasn't much left over by the time dessert came, "you said there would be extra."

You shrugged, "sorry EZ, helpers get first dibs. Maybe there'll be dessert to take home, if there's any left."

There wasn't, they all left with full bellies, yawning and talking about doing this again. Manny lingered, helping you clean up, "you didn't need to stay behind, I have a dishwasher for when I have people over."

He smiled, "just because they're happy to be fed and leave doesn't mean I am, I had to thank you for doing so much work."

You smiled, "what a gentleman, or is it so we can pig out on the secret cake you saw me hide in the back of the fridge?"

He smiled, "you got me."

You sighed, "wipe down the table please, I'll go warm us up a slice."

"Are you coming to the party this Friday?" Manny was leaning in your kitchen doorway, helping you make soup for Coco who was hauled up in bed with the flu. You had promised him extras if he helped you take it to him and that had turned into him spending the day assisting you.

"Yes, I don't have anything else better to do."

He smiled, "come on, a beautiful woman like you? I'm sure you could find someone to take you out?"

You smiled, "if you mean homicide then yes but I don't have people lining up at my door unless it's for food or cat cuddles."

A cat scream and soft paws landing on his knee stopped him from disagreeing with you, "little perv."

Manny laughed, "it's not his fault you don't have a beard for him to lick."

You smiled as Manny picked up the cat, "don't listen to her Mr Butts, you have good taste."

You shook your head, the cat rubbing his face on Manny's cheek, "can you put that little attention whore down and come and help me."

Manny smiled, "sorry little buddy, duty calls."

He opened up the cupboard with a smile, "I still can't believe you live in a fairyland cottage."

You shook your head with a smile, "life has to have some whimsy or it's sad and boring."

"Welcome to my home, please remove your shoes and no smoking inside."

Manny and Creep looked around, "gee, this place is nice."

You smiled, "thank you. I got it for a steal because it was in such a shit condition. I had to knock down three rooms but that gave me extra room for my garden. Everything was finished like a day after I arrived, I'm just grateful people do consults online."

"How many bedrooms?"

You pointed to the hallway, "two but I use the smaller one as a library, the couch pulls out if anyone needs to stay over."

Manny's hand grazed the hanging plant on the wall, "I saw a sun room when we drove in, that must be nice."

You nodded, "the best, but the cats love it more that I do."

"MEEEEEEEOOOOOWWW."

"Speaking of, that would be Mr Butterscotch, he has a thing for beards."

Creep smiled, "you have a cat?"

You nodded, "three, they're all in the sunroom now, a lot of people don't like cats so I tend to keep them away when I have people over."

Manny and Creep looked at each other, "let em out, we like cats."

Manny nodded in agreement, "cats are great."

You walked away to let them out with a shake of your head, "alright then, Mr Butterscotch will lick you, it won't be fun."

Manny waved his hand, "it can't be that bad."

The rush of little feet had them smiling from ear to ear and they crouched down to greet the tiny creatures, "who's who?"

You pointed to the small black one, "that's Lady Midnight, she's very sweet but kinda judgy. The one rolling over is Sir Fluffernutter, pats only end when he says they do and if you stop before then he will bite you."

Many laughed as the last cat climbed up his shirt, "I'm guessing this is Mr Butterscotch?"

You nodded, "yep, little perv." Creep wasn't paying attention, rather, he had one hand on Lady Midnight's head and the other scratching Sir Fluffernutter's chest.

"Are they always this friendly?"

You nodded, "yes, Creep, they are. Now that you've met my cats, what brings you to my house?"

It was late afternoon, the sun was dropping in the sky, a pleasant wind picking. You had come to the Clubhouse to help set up early that Friday, the day free of work because of a burst pipe in your office building. You were carrying the cups from the sink to the cupboard on the other end of the bar with Gilly's help, Taza sitting at the bar drinking.

"So what happened?" Gilly seemed genuinely interested.

You sighed, "it's a whole mess. I was in the middle of a session when I heard this bang and Penelope came rushing in with her patient. The ceiling in her room fell in, we're insured and we have a spare room but we've been kicked out till the builder can come tomorrow and see if it's safe."

Taza put his beer down, "who's Penelope again?"

You smiled, "we met at a conference, her main job is helping with missing person cases but she does individual and group grief counselling three days a week. We decided to start working together when I moved here but we've been friends for years."

"Do your work with adults?"

You shrugged, you hoped this was Gilly leading into asking for help for his combat trauma, "yes and no, we both work with parents and I sometimes talk to adults about trauma in their childhood but that's alongside their adult therapist. Having said that, I did a lot of adult stuff overseas and my door is always open."

He swallowed and averted his eyes, "that's really good."

Manny walking in pulled your attention away, you waved to him and he trotted over, his face split by a grin, "you're here early?"

You nodded "yep, burst pipe, I'm out of the office until they say it's safe."

Manny's face filled with concern, "is everyone ok, what are you and Garcia going to do in the meantime?"

Gilly and Taza looked at each other, sharing a knowing smile, "we're all ok. One of the families waiting for their appointment is part owner of a building company. He can't help but his partner in Oakland can, he's coming to check it out tomorrow and we'll go from there. We should be alright to use other rooms but if not, there are spaces we can rent."

Manny smiled softly, "if you need any help cleaning up, I'm happy to volunteer."

He looked at Gilly and Taza, his eyebrows slightly up, Gilly filled in the silence, "yeah, sure, we'll help too."

You smiled, "thank you gentlemen."

"What's everyone talking about?" You rolled your eyes at Angel's voice.

"Hello Angel."

He smiled, "you're here early?"

You nodded, "yes, a pipe burst at the office so I thought I'd come by and help everyone set up."

Angel sucked in his tongue, "well, we're all happy to have you here, hanging around." His eyes were stuck on Manny.

"MANNY, YOU LEFT YOUR WRENCH OUT AGAIN."

Manny rolled his eyes, "it's not my wrench, I better go sort this out." he sighed and left, leaving you with Angel, Gilly and Taza.

"What was that?" You shrugged at Angel's question.

"What was what?"

Angel smirked, "you got this dreamy look on your face." He clasped his hands in front of him and batted his eyes, "oh Manny you're so handsome."

You picked up the towel and hit his chest with it, "shut up dude."

Gilly smiled, "you do look at him, at lot."

Your eyes wrinkled in confusion and barely there indignity, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure you do, you've been looking at him like that since the day you saw him in the ring beating the shit out of that Yuma guy who was up Chanche's ass."

You hadn't been in town long, Coco had convinced you to visit the Clubhouse on the Sunday after your first party and see the place in the light of day. "It's much nicer without all the people here."

Coco smiled, "yeah, it's nice. Lettie is excited to see you again and Hope's here."

You smiled back, "I can't wait, lead the way."

Coco walked you to where Lettie was standing, next to her was a woman you imagined was Hope. She offered you a smile and a handshake, "you must be y/n, Coco and Lettie are so happy that you decided to settle down here."

You and Hope got along like a house on fire, ganging up on Coco with Lettie as he stood there in embarrassment. A commotion pulled everyone's attention, Bishop was standing between Manny and the Yuma Mayan who had come to bring the last of Manny's stuff from the garage. You caught the tail end of the conversation, Bishop telling them the handle it in the ring, then shirts were coming off and fists were being taped.

Angel wandered over and invited everyone to watch, "why do I want to watch Manny hit a stranger?"

Angel smiled, "long story, he deserves it." The small group walked over to the octagon, Manny was looking at the man with what could only be called hatred. But you were looking at him, his back was covered in the Mayan patch, his muscles firm under his skin.

The fight was over fast, Manny was quick, the other member no match for his long limbs and fast hands. Angel cleared his throat next to you, "you enjoying yourself?"

You stuttered, "umm, he's very good at that."

Angel smirked, "sure, you know we all noticed that you spent most of the other night with him and he's usually face deep in someone by nine."

You rubbed your face, "I'm new and I'm Coco's friend, he was probably just being nice."

Angel gave you a strange look, "if you say so."

You were in the storeroom packing the extra beer away when Manny walked in, "you need a hand?"

You smiled, "sure, how have you been?"

He smiled back and started packing the shelves, "good, what about you?"

You broke down the box and threw it towards the door, "I've been great. You didn't need to help me."

Manny huffed, "well I wanted to, and look, we're already done."

You walk out of the storeroom only to be greeted by a smiling Coco, "what man?"

He chuckled, "nothing, I've just thought packing shelves was for prospects."

"Not when it's y/n doing it."

You jumped, Angel had come from nowhere, "dude, where did you come from?"

He shook his head, "I saw you two coming out of the backroom and I figured you had some fun, it's a shame you were only doing bitch work."

You shook your head, "shut up, both of you. Manny was just being helpful."

Coco raised his eyebrow, "sure."

Manny's eyes kept glancing toward the door, "she's late."

Angel shrugged, "she probably had to stay back with one of her patients. Chill man, it's not like she's fucking some dude or something." Angel was right, you were only an hour late but Manny didn't wait for you, when you walked in, he had a woman in his lap and a smile on his face.

He might have missed how your shoulders fell when you saw it, but no one else did. "Hey y/n, how was work?"

You smiled softly, "good, long but it was good. What about you?"

Bishop smiled, "the same old, fixing bikes and dealing with these shitheads." You missed the way his eyes moved to Manny when he said that, "you seem sad?"

You shook your head, "nah, it's just been a long day."

You cast your eyes away as Manny looped his arm around the woman's back and took her into the dorms, an idea had Bishop smiling, "have you met our new prospect?"

You shook your head, "it's news to me." He took you over to the man in the prospect kutte, he had been a hang around for a while so you did know him.

"Hello Raul, the kutte suits you."

He smiled, "thanks y/n, can I buy you a drink?" You thought for a moment, pining after Manny wasn't doing you any good and while Raul was a poor substitute, he do to quell your growing need for human contact.

"I'll take a cream soda if you have them."

He smiled, "I think we do, Hank likes them."

He handed the old fashioned bottle to you with a charming smile, "thank you Raul."

You lost track of time talking to Raul, it was late at night when you were heading home, just as you were saying goodbye with a hug, Manny walked out and saw it, from his angle, it looked a lot warmer than it was. Manny sat down next to Angel who sighed, "looks like you missed your chance Mano." Manny shrugged, pining over you wasn't doing him any good anyway.

The distance between to two of you only grew with time, he stopped waiting for you on party night and he stopped saving you a seat at more formal get togethers, you would walk into the Clubhouse and find him with another woman, seemly filled with joy that she got to bag the talk of the town that night. So you would find the prospect and spend your night with him, it was easier than answering everyone's questions about why you looked so sad or why you weren't talking like you used to.

Tonight's party was much louder than normal, you did your best to cope with the yelling and the loud music but it was getting to you. Raul seemed to notice your discomfort, "you wanna head to the dorm? It's kinda loud here and I can't hear myself think."

You smiled, "alright." You knew what you were getting into but judging by the noises coming out of Manny's room, he was busy making someone's night.

EZ and Coco watched you go, "so that's it I guess."

Coco shook his head, "nah, he's not her type. I doubt they're going to do more than talk."

EZ cocked his head towards the door, "it's getting really loud, I got to go check on Sally."

Coco nodded, "I'll come with."

"You're not serious?"

Raul nodded, "I'm so serious, as serious as serious can be."

You laughed, "wow being a prospect kinda sucks."

He smiled, "it's not so bad with you here, they're nice to me when you're around."

You huffed, "I've mastered the art of the mum lecture." He chuckled then burst into full blown laughter when the sound of Bishop singing to Elvis floated through the walls.

As the laughter faded, the air changed and you were leaning in to kiss him like your head had a mine of its own. His lips were rough but his face was smooth when your hand came up to stroke his cheek. You shoved the thoughts of Manny down into the pit of your soul and focused on his rough hand on your forearm.

You paused, putting a hand on his chest, "we should talk about some stuff before this goes any further, make sure we're on the same page."

He huffed, "yeah, talk about how you're gonna suck my dick."

You sighed and stood up, "and we're done here. It was nice spending time with you Raul but I don't think we're compatible."

His eyes went wide and he looked at the door, "if you go out there, they'll never let me live it down."

You nodded, "I know, I'm not interested in answering questions anyway so I'm gonna head out the window, my car's not far."

You climbed out of the window with little trouble, walking to your car as fast as you could. You didn't expect to hear EZ shout as you walked by his trailer, "hey y/n, I didn't see you come out the front."

You smiled, "umm, yeah. Raul isn't my type. I jumped out the window to avoid anything like this happening."

Coco got stiff, "did he.."

You cut him, "no, no. We're just better of as drinking buddies." They nodded, "I'm going to head home, my cats are missing me."

They smiled at each other and with one last pat on Sally's head, they went inside. It didn't take long for someone to pick up on the mood, Hank walking over, "what's got you two all weird?"

EZ smiled, "where's y/n?"

Hank rubbed his face, "doing the same thing Manny is, making a mistake."

Coco shook his head, "nope, she went out the window ten minutes ago."

Hank smiled, "no?"

Angel walked over, seemingly picking up on whatever was going on, "what is everyone so secretive out?"

Hank smiled, "our prospect swung and missed at the good doctor."

Angel smiled, "how do you know, she doesn't seem like the type to kiss and tell."

EZ glanced at the dorm door, "we caught her going out the window."

Angel pressed his lips together, "oh wow, that's rough. Maybe Manny…"

"What are you fucks gossiping about?"

Bishop could tell that they were planning something, "nothing pres."

He didn't buy it, "bullshit, talk."

Hank's face broke into a grin, "looks like love is still in the air between Manny and y/n."

Bishop shook his head, "grow up, you all need hobbies."

"You should have been there, she was moaning and whimpering like she hadn't been fucked in years." They all sat around and listened to Raul brag, unbeknownst to him, Manny was the only one who was in the dark about what really happened.

Angel shook his head, unimpressed that the soon to be ex prospect was lying about you "dude, we know she's hot and all but we don't want to hear about this, she's our friend."

Raul chuckled, "alright, more memories for me."

The smirk on his face had Coco ready to blow, "let's call y/n, she's on her lunch break and see if she's ok with us hearing about this."

The prospect waved his hands, "you sure you wanna do that? I don't know if the lady…."

Manny cut him off, "do it Coco, let's hear it for her." Bishop rolled his eyes, they were like little boys.

"Great, everyone be quiet, she'll only talk on speaker if she thinks it's just me and her."

He called you and you picked up on the second ring, "to what do I owe the pleasure of your call?"

Coco smiled, "I wanted to talk about the other night."

You paused, "am I on speaker?" No one made a sound.

"I'm alone, I'm in the middle of something. You wanna tell me what had you ducking out bedroom through the window?"

"Coco, we've been over this. I don't want to humiliate the poor boy."

It was hard to miss Manny's smile, "come on, it will be like old times, give me the dirt."

You sighed, "you're not going to leave this be until I talk and I want to know why."

Coco glared at Raul, "he's bragging that you two fucked, he's been going into detail."

"What?" The upset was clear in your voice and if looks to kill, Manny would have killed him five times over.

"Graphic detail."

You huffed, "I should have walked out the front and put up with the questions. The guy's an asshat Coco, I thought he was being nice to me just to be nice but turns out all he wanted was in my pants. The moment shit got heated, I tried to put on the brakes so we could talk like adults and the dude basically demanded a blow job. I can't tell you to not vote him in but if you do, I think you'll have a lot of unsatisfied women walking around."

"Wow, why didn't you say anything?" Coco knew the answer, he was trying to get you to put your foot in your mouth so this dance between you and Manny would end.

"Why do you think? I tried Coco, I really did but I don't think I'm cut out for the party lifestyle. I miss my cats and my fluffy slippers. Dude, I'm not a teenager anymore, I like my bed and not having to see… You know what. I've already said too much, please don't let this get back to anyone."

"Alright then, thanks for clearing that up."

You sighed, "no worries." You sounded sad.

"You coming this Friday?"

Manny felt his heart race, "nah, I got a tub of ice cream and a horror movie with my name on it."

Manny knew that we wouldn't be back, there was something about the way you spoke that told you he lost his chance, "well that sucks, I guess I'll have to come to your place to hang then?"

"That would be for the best, pass my love onto the guys."

They didn't see you that Friday or Saturday, nor the next week. Manny had barely said a word since that day on the phone, too deep in thought to do much. It took till church for it to come to a head, "I don't even want him prospecting anymore, he's got months left and no one can stand him."

Bishop huffed, "this isn't about him, this is about you and y/n. You've barely said a word since that phone call."

Manny scoffed, "he's a fucking disrespectful liar."

Hank sighed, "we ain't taking his patch, and you need to talk to her. We miss her and she's not going to come back until you clear the air."

Manny shook his head, "I don't see what there is to talk about, she's the one that vanished."

Coco huffed, "man, she's shy. She watched you crawl into bed with everything with a face while she sat at that bar waiting for you to notice that she came here every week for you, You really think she's coming back here after that kind of humiliation?"

Manny scoffed "bullshit man, she's being nice to me. What happened with the prospect has nothing to do with it." There was back and forth after that, a lot, enough that the volume in the room grew.

"That fucking enough!" Bishop wasn't impressed, "your petty whining isn't going to help. You think she wants you at each other's throats over her." He pointed at Coco, "go over there and see what's going on in her head, and you." Manny clenched his jaw, "be a man and handle your shit."

"Hey Coco."

He smiled and lifted the bag in his hand, "I brought your favourite."

You invited him in as he took his shoes off, "are you coming here to hang out with me, or my cats?"

Coco chuckled, "both, Lady Midnight is my best friend."

You gasped in fake offence, "what about Sir Fluffernutter, you'll break his little heart if he hears that."

"Lady Midnight doesn't bite me if I stop petting her."

You chuckled, "he's just letting you know how much he loves you."

Coco put the food down and went to get the bowls, "where have you been? We miss you."

You shrugged, "busy. I told you I'm not the partying kind."

"Meow, meooooooooooow." Coco smiled and picked up Mr Butts, "little perv."

Coco shook his head and picked the cat up, "he's sweet."

You laughed, "he's a little perv." Mr Butts started licking Coco's face while you portioned off the food.

"Why are you really here?"

"Manny."

You threw your hands up in the air, "what about him, good Lord Coco, please leave well enough alone."

He shook his head, "it ain't well enough, you two have to stop dancing around each other."

You put your hands on your hips, "Coco no, be logical for one fucking second and think about it. The man knows nothing about me, what do you think he's going to do when he gets the gory details?"

"Think you're a badass."

You put the bowls on a tray and carried them toward the table, "no he won't. He will run and hide like the rest of them, how the fuck do you even expect me to start that conversation. I'm not looking for sympathy Coco."

Coco sighed, "you want me to tell him?"

You stomped back to the kitchen to get napkins, "no fucking way. I haven't seen you in two weeks, please just drop it so we can have the food."

Coco put the cat down and sat next to you, "he's going to ask questions eventually."

You rubbed your face, "then I'll deal with it, or I'll avoid him until he loses interest."

"Alright then." You tucked into the food, hopeful that the subject was dropped.

"Are you coming back to the Clubhouse?"

You shook your head, "no, I'm not. The heat's fucking with my head anyway, I have had a migraine four days this week. Being in a place that stinks like booze, smoke and sex isn't going to help."

"The guys miss you. Poor EZ walks around like a lost puppy looking for someone to talk to about smart people shit."

You smiled softly, "well, he has plenty of smart people around him if he'd just try. You all know where I live, if they want to see me that bad, they can come here."

Coco nodded, "I guess you're right. Lettie is really interested in that course you told her about.

You smiled, "is that because of your mum or you and Hope?"

Coco tilted his head, "nah, me and Hope, I don't think she thinks about my mom any more than I do. Hope's been good for her."

"Lettie is a good kid, I don't know why you were worried about them getting along. She wants you to be happy and it's pretty apparent that Hope loves you."

He smiled, "I love her too, things are really good." His eyebrows went up, "which reminds me…"

"Coco, no. Just let me bask in your happiness. And as for Lettie, I can get her a job in my office. She'll have to start doing intake interview but if she's a good fit, Garcia can get her into group work while she studies."

Coco's face broke out into a grin, "I think she'd love that. Thank you y/n."

You were cornered at the butcher shop by Angel, "when are you coming back?"

You sighed, "not you too. I'm not, like I told Coco, you know where I live. If you want to spend time with me, then you can do it at my place."

Felipe raised his eyebrows, "son, I thought you knew better then to meddle in lady's affairs."

"See Angel, listen to your father."

Angel stopped you just as you were walking out the door, "at least come to the barbecue this weekend. Marcus will be there, Coco told everyone so much about you and he wants to meet you."

You rolled your eyes and went to respond but Angel stopped you, "Canche will be there, we all hate him after what happened in the desert, we need you for moral support."

You exhaled, "fine, but it's your fault if shit gets weird."

You must have stared at the dress for an hour before you put it on, you knew going to this thing was a mistake but Angel wasn't going to let you say no. After fixing your hair quickly, you picked up your bag and walked out the door, kissing Lady Midnight between her tall ears before you left, "don't look at me like that, I know I'm making a mistake."

Part 2

The summary line was taken for the Julien Baker poem "First Love Poem in Recent Memory"

Chapter releases are up to you.

Hearts and blank reblogs with no tags will be worth one point each.

Comments and reblogs with comments/tags will be worth two points each.

This means a maximum of 5 points per person.

Chapter two will be released after 20 points.

88 notes · View notes