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marauderstan014 · 2 years

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This is extremely self-indulgent, I can't even deny it

Remus is depressed and Sirius is the best partner

"Hm?" They opened their eyes slowly and yawned, feeling slightly annoyed. "I am now, what do you want?"

"Hey, Siri?" Remus poked them awake. "Sirius? Are you awake?"

"I'm sorry, I really didn't want to wake you, but I…"

He didn't finish, but Sirius didn't want to push, so they grabbed his hand tightly and brought it to their lips. “It’s alright, Remus, just tell me what you want.”

"I’m sorry, I know you hate it when I wake you up like this, but…”

He didn’t finish again. “I’m not angry, Moony, I just need to know what is going on.”

“I don't feel well." His breath hitched and Sirius felt bad for being harsh before. "And I can't sleep."

"Oh, Moony, are you feeling ill? How can I help?"

"Not ill, I just wanted…" He sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you up for this, it's stupid, I'm sorry."

"I'm sure it's not stupid, not if it made you need to wake me up, whatever is making you feel like this is important and you can tell me if you need to."

"It's just… Can you give me a hug? A very very tight hug?"

They felt their face relaxing a bit, relieved it wasn’t something too bad. "Of course I can give you a hug, Moony, whenever you want me to."

Remus came closer and Sirius squeezed him as tightly as they could, he started melting in their embrace after some time. "Better?"

"A bit, thank you."

Sirius shook their head and kissed his head. "It's the least I could do, do you think you can sleep if I hug you? Do you need the pressure?"

"Yes, please."

"Alright, is there anything else you need?" No answer. "Moony?" He wasn't even breathing. "Remus!" They shook his shoulder. "Remus, love, come back to me."

"Everything's hurting."

"Hurting? You just said you aren't ill."

"I'm not, it's that emotional kind of physical pain."

"What do you need?"

"Please, just…" He sniffled. "Just hold me, please. I need you."

“Moony, honey, what happened to you?”

“I don’t know, I just feel bad, desperate.” Sirius sighed, that sounded like a depressive episode. “Hopeless.”

“Remus,” They choked, it was definitely a depressive episode. “Oh, Remus, have you been taking your potions?”

“Every day.” They sighed again. “I’m sorry, Sirius, I promise I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Of course you didn’t, it’s not your fault.”

“But you’re angry.”

“I’m not angry, love, I’m worried.”

"But you don't like it when I feel like this."

"Just like I said before, I don't like to see you feeling bad because I love you and I want you well, it's not like you can control when you'll have depressive episodes, I just want you to be alright, but it's not your fault that you aren't." They kissed his head. "Do you understand?"

He nodded. "Thank you."

#marauder era #harry potter marauders #fanfiction excerpt #autistic remus lupin #sirius black uses they/them pronouns #wolfstar #angst #light angst #fluff #so much fluff #soft wolfstar #Remus Lupin is depressed #Sirius loves their boyfriend #Remus needs a hug #Like #He *really* needs a hug #and I mean it as he needs hugs to help him regulate #Sirius is like his personal weighted blanket

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linnasmile · 1 year

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Their bed of ashes

~Look, I posted this two years ago on AO3, enjoy it here now~

…On both sides the vow was broken Oh my my, I'm the one Trying to hide this damage done One day, all our secrets will be spoken…

The scrawny black dog walks quickly inside once Remus opens the door. He doesn’t turn around right away. Locking the door, he notices the animal panting has ceased and hears a wholly human sigh. It is not hard for him to distinguish these sounds-not when his flat is quiet, not when he knows this panting and this breathing in his bones.

“Dumbledore wants me to stay with you for a while” Sirius begins.

It is unnecessary. Dumbledore sent an owl explaining. The almighty conductor of their lives orchestrated this, down to the exact time Sirius is supposed to show up.

Remus wants to be rude and stay quiet but gives in to the expectant silence. “It would be foolish not to follow his suggestions.”

“Suggestion… you make it sound like I have a choice.”

“I suppose you don’t. You’re not a free man, Sirius, but if the idea of living with me is so repulsive to you, I am sure you will find another way.”

Nothing in Sirius’ tone suggests that, but Remus is grasping at air just to feel offended. He is looking for that bitter hatred he lived with for twelve years, for the indifference which set in beside it after a while. One does not spend over a decade nurturing these feelings only for them to buckle under the pressure of truth. He wants to be resentful, for Sirius to antagonise him, for Sirius to want him. In this new normal, where the love of his young adult life is not a traitorous bastard, he wants Sirius to be everything to him, and nothing at all. His mind is not made up and he’s fighting, fighting…

It should be easy. He is innocent, innocent. Remus knew the whole story now, the full truth. It wasn’t me, Remus…. Moony, I didn’t do it. Sirius’ averment sounds in his head as clear as when he had first heard it in the Shrieking Shack. This reality refuses to seep into Remus’s body and lingers on his skin, suffocates him, poisons him. Sirius’ exoneration spelled Remus’ culpability. It is impossible to consider oneself as the person who turned their back on their lover and friend, as the one who believed in a previously unthinkable notion. It is impossible to look in the mirror and accept this about yourself, Remus considers. Sirius’ presence in his flat is choking him.

Whether they stand in the hallway for seconds or minutes Remus does not know. He forces himself down to the living room and Sirius silently follows.

“I don’t have much, but the couch should be comfortable enough to sleep on. I learned this spell…” Remus stutters. He only learned the spell because he knew Sirius would stay with him. “It makes the couch pillows fluffier.”

“Cheers” says Sirius, more polite than he ever was. There exists no universe where Sirius does not realise Remus did this for him only.

“Bathroom, as well. Left you a towel.”

Sirius only nods this time and heads into the shower.

***

Nothing comes effortlessly in the days after for them. In many ways one man had lived a life, whereas the other was stuck into a non-reality from 13 years ago. It is uncomfortable to Remus to live with a man who thinks he knows him. It is troubling that in so many ways Sirius still does. Remus is continuously unsettled, not least by the fact that money is so tight he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to continue to support Sirius, as well as himself.

It is the third evening they spend in silence over tea when Sirius, without sharing his intentions walks out of the house as a dog. They have not discussed this. It seemed only sensible for Remus to believe Sirius would stay inside at all times. Another cage, perhaps. And so he is stunned when he has to get up and close the door after the dog, not knowing if he will see it again or what it would bring back.

Sirius, naturally, returns after a while.

“Where did you get these?” Remus asks motioning to the groceries Sirius piles on the table.

“I stole them from a muggle shop.”

A nonchalant answer.

“Sirius, this is a crime, even in the muggle world.”

“If I go to jail again, Lupin, it’ll be because I murdered 13 people. I might as well get us some eggs along the way, seeing as you’ve been so worried about feeding us.”

“You didn’t murder anyone” Remus observes and neglects to comment on the other part of Sirius’ statement, the one which is actually true.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters tome.”

Remus wanted to stop himself from saying anything. He doesn’t want to give Sirius a wider view into his mind, yet it is so, so hard to keep away from someone who’s intertwined with you.

“You haven’t a clue what it’s like there, Lupin. At least now I can get food when I’m starving, whatever the means.”

An animosity builds up in Remus. The longest conversation they’ve held since the fugitive arrived is about to turn into an argument and Remus wants it to. Sirius, if uncoerced, will bottle his character for ever. However scared Remus is of what’s about to burst out of himself, he is tenfold more curious to see, actually see Sirius. Though he dismissed it a few days ago, when he caught Sirius crying over an old Charms textbook, now suddenly he wants to know.

“You’ve not spoken to me since you got here, Black, to give me a clue.” His tongue turns to ice. Sirius was many things, never a true Black; and so this is meant as an insult, though Remus only manages to convey the disdain in being called “Lupin” by Sirius.

“How am I to speak to you when you’re in the other room? Or when you won’t even look at me? I don’t believe either of us has mastered telepathy recently, but do correct me if I’m wrong.” All of this, said in a hurt tone Sirius has never used before, stabs Remus at the right place. Identifying and exploiting weak spots is evidently not one of the excellent qualities Sirius has parted with in Azkaban.

Remus’ face is burning with shame. Trapped in his mind for the past few days, debating what to do, he had failed to act in any way. He had drifted in and out of Sirius’ living space, but paid him no attention. There was something, though Remus cannot pinpoint it exactly, that Sirius is avoiding. He is as much afraid to find himself in this scene as Remus is.

“I’m listening now.” He looks up then. Sirius is facing the window overlooking the tiny backyard. His shoulders, Remus thinks he can see it even through his shirt, are scarred and tense. He waves his hand in a there’s nothing to say motion.

Remus takes two steps toward him, wants to grab him and force him around. Sirius flinches at the movement behind him.

“This war, Lupin…”

“Stop calling me that!” he can’t help himself. It’s painful beyond belief to be addressed as a stranger by the man who… the one who has known him more intimately than anyone.

“This war has made me a monster. I don’t want you to know him. He should be locked up.” Sirius states, now facing Remus. His eyes are sunken and wet. Remus waits, but silence settles again.

“Is this it? You come to my house afteryearsand give me this? You used to be boisterous, Padfoot, never would shut up. Now, when it matters, when this conversation is theonly thing that matters to me, you refuse me.”

Sirius offers nothing in the way of words. His expression, should Remus choose to notice it, betrays it all. A selfish desire to learn every detail and to continue hearing Sirius’ voice blinds Remus. He presses deeper into a wound both men know is not healed, the depths of which are only clear to one of them. The other speaks:

“I have dreamed of you, and I have missed you. I have wanted to be in a room with you again for thirteen years. And now you don’t want me to know. You don’t want me.”

“Moony…”

“Don’t.”

“I have nothing to give you.”

“Why not? Curse got it? Did someone curse...”

“FEAR GOT IT, REMUS! I’m scared.”

A shout. A beat. Then many tears. Sirius slumps in the armchair, cries; Remus remains rooted next to the fireplace. It is this, Sirius’ restrained weeping, which makes Remus grasp it. He doesn’t want to know, even if Sirius wanted to tell him, even if Sirius wasn’t horrified like a child of the dark. He had been keeping exclusively to himself, and Remus had been holding a grudge, feeling like he was owed an explanation, offended from being ignored. After all, he was the one who had spent over a decade believing his lover had murdered their friends and twelve other muggles, just because they were there. He, Remus, had had to spend countless nights trying to make sense of the reality which he was abruptly thrust in, one which didn’t match up with his private experiences and feelings. Remus was the one stuck having to believe Sirius was guilty. A now shameful notion had been infesting Remus’ mind ever since the Shrieking Shack-Sirius had had it easy in Azkaban, comforted by the absolute thought of his own innocence. The others had had to battle, while the dog remained inside, and his only mission was to remember his inculpability.

Remus feels himself a fool. The horrors of Azkaban had taken a discernible toll on Sirius’ appearance, a toll Remus noticed, and which should have at once made him stop comparing miseries beyond his understanding. The man he had once loved is no more. The malnourished being in front of him is overcome by only one emotion. Fear, something which was not in Sirius’ repertoire, the Sirius who went to Azkaban, has consumed him. One man goes in, another one comes out. An echo of Barty Crouch Jr’s swap with his mother, though the transformation here is much harsher. Remus mustn’t drill any more. He must apologize, though no words are powerful enough.

“Okay” he says, “okay, Sirius, you don’t have to. Here-”

Remus levitates a blanket from the couch, and it drapes itself gracefully around Sirius’s body. He continues crying.

“What’s the spell?” Sirius asks.

“Which one?”

“This… the blanket… you made it come to me.”

Remus tells him, confused.

“Do you realize, Moony, that I couldn’t use magic for twelve years?”

Remus hadn’t. The spell lingers in the air inappropriately. The memory of Sirius upset over the charms textbook is a slap across the face. The dread unravels, and so does Sirius, in a precipitous manner. Remus kneels next to him because there is nothing else to do. Really, what could be done? What one sentence disperses 13 years’ worth of guilt, despair, loneliness, and loss?

“They won’t get you again. I will protect you. My word.”

A promise which cannot be kept. Sirius has been back in Remus’ life for mere months, and already Remus is falling back into his old habits of needing to protect Sirius at all cost. He cannot guarantee safety, or anything really, but he wants to, how he craves to…

When Remus takes Sirius’ bony hand, a hand which feels completely foreign in his own, he knows Sirius will not stop crying. He wants to weep himself. How unjust and ugly the scene is now overwhelms him. So much time has passed that hope seems foolish, and any action-inadequate. They have shared desperate moments in a past long forgotten, but torture like this was unknown to Remus.

What needs to happen? In this instant, a hug, a kiss, a declaration. Tomorrow, the same repeated. It is unsustainable. Two outcasts cannot pull through together on love alone. Neither has more to offer to the other, both need so much more. Remus had listened to Dumbledore’s speech when the old man insisted that happiness can be found even in the darkest of times. Foolish words, empty. What action turns on the light? How will they become unstuck? The wave of a hand, a flick of a wand?

More broken than ever, Remus kisses Sirius, presents him this useless gesture. He had expected his heart to unclench, but the feeling never comes. The man he doesn’t know kisses back though coyly, still crying. The old lovers, the strangers freeze in this moment, but a callous misery is wrenched there as well. Voldemort seems to have destroyed only the things he values least-hope, relationships, and happiness.

It is late. Or it is early. A crippled Sirius and a desperate Remus share this night, and nothing more.

…Underneath this bed of ashes, still withholding everything Like we were never close…

#harry potter #fanfiction #harry potter fanfiction #wolfstar #sirius x remus #angst and feels #hurt and some comfort #remus needs a hug #but so does sirius #lie low at lupin's #post sirius black in azkaban #marauders #sirius black #remus lupin #listen to cage the elephant-ready to let go #ao3

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brigid-faye · 1 month

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Wolfstar lie low Drabble, shout out to irl beta @remakaz ❤️🫶🏻 you are the best travel buddy and tech* date ever (*tesco)

He’s been lying low at Remus’ for seven days. It’s after the seventh time he catches Remus’ eyes flicking down to his lips (over a cup of tea, standing in the kitchen) that the question in Sirius’ chest finally escapes his mouth.

“How can you still want me?”

After a week of what Sirius knows, dimly, is wild rantings and vacant silences, insomnia and night terrors, it’s this that makes Remus Lupin look at him like he’s crazy.

One eyebrow up, the opposite corner of his mouth a bit quirked, a head tilt that makes his curls fall over his forehead. It’s so achingly familiar, but jarring, too - the grey in his hair, the depth of the wrinkle between his eyes.

And -fuck fuck fuck all of this - Sirius should have been there for those changes, he wants to press his thumb against that wrinkle and push away all the pain and worries Remus has endured without him. Because of him.

Remus swallows his tea and sets his cup on the counter. He considers Sirius for a moment, opens and shuts his mouth. Frowns and deepens the wrinkle.

“I would have kissed you in that fucking shack, Sirius,” he says, low but even. “If we-I should have kissed you in-”

Sirius isn’t aware of closing the distance between them, he only knows that the kiss is messy and desperate and tastes like life. He’s been so scared that he will finally do the one more thing that will make Remus give up on him, shun him, hate him. Some one thing that will expose the too much in him, something that will reveal the terrified need he feels to hide in Remus’ bones, in the warm brown of his eyes.

But Remus is kissing him and breathing in gasps, nearly sobbing with relief and-

Oh.

Oh, you need me, too.

#wolfstar #fanfiction #brigid writes #marauders #fanfic #marauders era #remus lupin needs a hug #sirius black #lie low at lupin's

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marauderstars · 1 year

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I don’t know who needs to hear this but James Potter would have thought you were doing great and given you a hug if you needed it.

#it’s me #i need to hear it #james potter #james potter hugs #hp marauders #marauders era #marauders #incorrect marauders quotes #sirius black #harry potter #incorrect quotes #remus lupin #remus x sirius #the marauders #wolfstar #jegulus

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fuck-i-love-october · 5 days

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Regulus "Yeah. I'm gay. Why does that matter?" Black and James "Guys? No I don't like guys. What? No I just l, you know I'm not like that I'm not- it's different for me, alright? I can't be I just can't be. Of course I support you, Sirius But I'm... Not. I'm not. I really swear on it I, I swear it. It's too confusing. So what if I find no pleasure in women, maybe it's just a me thing maybe- Yeah okay I kissed a guy and it felt like a weight was lifted off of my chest but that doesn't mean that I'm... Okay sure, I feel romantic attraction toward someone and that someone happens to be a man but it isn't because it's a man it's- No you don't get it I can't be gay that's..too much change. I was supposed to be straight I was supposed to- I was supposed to be normal. Girls like me.. Why can't I like girls? Nobody hates me when I just like girls. Sure I don't really like them but it's easier to be with them. Yeah, maybe I'm only happy when I'm with him but society isn't happy when we're together so why bother, Sirius? Why bother being anything at all if it isn't something I'm not? The world wanted me to like girls so now I do. At least I'll try to. I'll force it down my throat if I have too it's just easier. It's more digestible for the rest of them that way. Okay yeah it hurts and yeah I feel like my entire earth is on fire in the worst way possible and yes I'm gay. Yeah. I'm gay alright? And I don't think I know how to be. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Why am I like this? Why-" Potter.

#James Potter has internalized homophobia.#james potter #peter pettigrew #marauders #remus lupin #sirius black #regulus black #marauders era #james fleamont potter #James Potter supports everyone #James potter needs a HUG bro #james potter angst #sunseeker #starchaser #jegulus

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julesart04 · 2 months

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#wolfstar #😔#sorry #this one is sad #they both need a hug #inspired by that scene #in prisoner of azkaban #Remus lupin #sirius black #remus x sirius #marauders #fanart #all the young dudes #harry potter #my art #marauders era #illustration #lgbtq #julesart.04

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lookingforsneha · 16 days

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Listening to Starman by David Bowie and sobbing because I keep on imagining Remus at 19/20 not being able to listen to it anymore, because it's haunting him with all he's lost.

And the third verse makes me even more depressy:

I had to phone someone, so I picked on you

Don't imagine Remus healing, having a good day, and by habit wanting to tell Sirius about it, realising he can't. Because Sirius betrayed them.

Hey, that's far out, so you heard him too

Don't think about him going through the grieving process and thinking he's going insane. He keeps hearing James and Lily, playing with Harry. He keeps hearing baby Harry's little giggles. He breaks when he hears Sirius' voice in the mix, hating himself for missing the man that betrayed them.

Switch on the TV, we may pick him up on channel two

And he feels worse for missing the peace him and Sirius had. He can't look at their home the same- he can't watch TV without imagining Sirius curled up next to him. He can't watch anything they'd started together, because all he finds himself able to do at those episodes is just sob. He can't brush his teeth without noticing Sirius' toothbrush next to his (he didn't have it in him to throw it out yet). He can't wear his usual sweaters anymore because the thought of Sirius stealing them is too overwhelming. And when he does get himself to pack all the old stuff away because he can't look at it anymore, he still can't sit on the couch without feeling the emptiness and the coldness of the air next to him, like something is clearly missing. The house is haunted with their memories, quite like how Remus' mind is. You can't tell me Remus didn't miss Sirius, the same way you can't tell me he didn't hate himself for it.

Look out your window, I can see his light

Don't imagine Remus, missing his friends to the point where he thinks he can see them. And he knows he's imagining them, he knows hes going crazy, but it's comforting to think he sees them sometimes, in the shadows or in the silhouettes in street lights. It's comforting to think he isn't alone, and the thought of being entirely alone would make him go crazier.

Don't imagine Remus losing everyone he knows, losing his best friends, his baby nephew (Harry), and the love of his life all at once.

And don't imagine him losing his favorite songs on top of it.

Do yourself a favour and just don't imagine Remus at age 19/20.

#remus x sirius #wolfstar #remus lupin #remus angst #the marauders #marauders era #Remus needs a hug #Starman #david bowie #remus loves sirius #Remus lupin #sirius black #lily potter #james potter #jily #wolfstar angst

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likeprongstostars · 11 months

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"James looks over his shoulder and is met with a pair of glowing, yellow eyes. He tries sometimes, to look for Remus in them. He hasn’t found him yet."

- Choices by MesserMoon

(i finally drew something i didn't hate immediately after posting so this won't be deleted)

#he needs a hug #and another cigarette #marauders era #marauders fanart #remus lupin fanart #remus lupin

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albondiguilla007 · 23 days

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Harry meets the Mauraders fanfic recs

Ok, so this list was born after I read the beautiful fic called The Devil’s White Knight. It’s about Harry traveling to an alternative universe where Voldemort was killed in his youth, where his parents are alive and his whole life played out differently. He still has his memories though, and a whole lot of trauma, so he goes through a journey of getting to know a family that loves him unconditionally while struggling with everything else.

I was obsessed to say the least. I started looking for similar fics that gave me the same feelings and that explored Harry’s trauma and power as the key to Voldemort’s defeat, and how he fit into his new life. Thse are some I enjoyed a lot.

- [ ] Devils White Knight: 65k, complete: Please give it a try. https://archiveofourown.org/works/6854605/chapters/15646567

- [ ] To make it better: 175k, incomplete: It’s Drarry, Wolfstar and Jegulus. How beautiful is that? It explores Harry’s mental health and his alcohol addiction post war. Honestly breathtaking. https://archiveofourown.org/works/39312627/chapters/98377947

- [ ] In Another Life (I would make you stay): The Potters are from Pakistan. Harry’s alter ego stays in his mind like an annoying Jiminy Cricket. He has a little brother. 112k, complete: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19903207/chapters/47142952

- [ ] Across the Universe: 3k one shot told from James’ point of view. It’s a shame its not longer, this one hits all those sweet spots for me. https://m.fanfiction.net/s/4180686/1/Across-the-Universe

- [ ] To be Human: 80k, incomplete: In the middle of Bill and Fleur’s wedding Harry is called into another dimension by suspicious forces. https://archiveofourown.org/works/47583439/chapters/119924326

- [ ] Potter by any other name: 85k, complete: After the war Auror Harry gets in the middle of an attack on Diagon Alley and suddenly appears in front of Auror Mad-Eye Moody and Auror James Potter. He lies about his name and decides to help them. The family feels were strong on this one. https://archiveofourown.org/works/39836340/chapters/99738360

- [ ] The Incalculable Power: 76k, incomplete: So so so SO good, Draco and Harry travel back in time to the Marauder’s time in Hogwarts. They are intrigued by the new transfer students. https://archiveofourown.org/works/28632333/chapters/70181604

- [ ] Stunning Shifts: 106k, incomplete: During a publicity stunt, Harry and five others are sent to another world where a well timed Stupefy made all the difference. As Harry looks for his peers and a way home, another Harry investigates the odd arrival of his doppelganger. https://archiveofourown.org/works/552828/chapters/985108

- [ ] You’re somebody else: 54k, incomplete: Harry escapes Malfoy Manor and appears in the middle of the Potter’s home. He is freaked out to say the least. https://archiveofourown.org/works/36528937/chapters/91094224

Let me know if you’re intersted in more recommendations! I’ve been reading a few similar fics.

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