#rn i’m about to impulse clean my room

[lyriumsings]

two more sleeps until i see spiderverse

#i’ve been cleaning and self caring #today #i cant focus to do anything else #i tried to draw but it’s hNN all over the place i’m too jittery #god i’m so mentally ill #having fun rn tho #i’m about to cook #i made curry yesterday bc i was still idk high on life #and i have some leftover bc i made WAY too much but not enough rice and chicken #so i’m gonna make more rice and chicken #and tomorrow after therapy im gonna fix my hair and paint my nails #rn i’m about to impulse clean my room #i cant wait to go back to being normal after i see this movie #but tbf i’ve waited years lmao #lyriumsings txt

[awetistic-things]

hello! I believe im autistic but I don’t have a special interest. I don’t have any specific 1 thing that im completely passionate about. I mean, maybe psychology but isn’t that too broad? idk. I need to consult someone autistic themselves bc im a minor and I can’t get a therapist and probably can’t convince my parents to get me a diagnosis. my mother thinks I just have high anxiety and ocd. I definitely have dermatillamania though. here’s some of my symptoms:

Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts; I go nonverbal when I’m anxious/stressed/in a social situation where I’m being forced to talk to or interact w someone.

Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities; i do really like sameness but I’m also super impulsive and love changing thing up that don’t have a lot of value to me. for example I would go on a trip to Chicago rn with my friends if I had the means and they wanted to but I’m not changing the way I write my notes or cleaning my room

I have a hard time understanding figurative language and kind of obsessively overanalyze most things that I don’t understand

maybe it’s a mix of me being weird, ocd, and high anxiety that’s been present for my entire life and that I also can’t pinpoint the reason for. or maybe I’m autistic. I know you can’t diagnose a stranger on the internet from a couple paragraphs and I’m sorry if this is too much info.

I’m staying anonymous for my safety but my pronouns are they/it!

hi!

okay, so for starters i'm just gonna share with you some of the articles that helped me essentially start me on my journey of "oh shit i'm autistic" and my own two cents for each statement you made

---------

social interaction:

What Is Social Interaction In Autism - AutismTalkClub.com

i personally relate to the "non-verbal" part of what you said. I tend to lose the ability to speak whenever i am overwhelmed due to environmental factors (senses being overstimulated), but there are many other reasons (sometimes due to masking)

being overwhelmed in social situations is really easy for me personally. mainly because of sesnory issues, masking, resisting the urge to stim, etc and this can set me off into having meltdowns among other things

--------

repetitive behaviors:

Restrictive and Repetitive Behavior | Kennedy Krieger Institute

having a schedule is really important to a lot of people on the spectrum, it can help create some calmness in constant chaos

but, sometimes (such as myself) it is nice to be spontaneous and just do random shit without planning or a schedule or anything

so although repetitive behaviors are an autistic thing, the flexibility can differ depending on the person (emphasize on its a *spectrum*)

---------

language misunderstandings:

Whose metaphor? Autism Spectrum Disorder and metaphorization (metnetscandinavia.com)

that metaphor doesn't necessarily make sense to me, but just in case it makes sense for you there it is

about overanalyzing i totally get that. something I've noticed is that autistic people tend to question "basic" rules and social hierarchies so becoming obsessed with asking "why?' questions is very relatable to say the least

i dont really struggle that much with more everyday metaphors and I love analogies, but once again its a spectrum and I still very much need tone tags to avoid misunderstandings between both parties

-------

the way i figured out i was autistic was through research, research, research. at first I thought that meant clinical studies and such but it also means learning from the community itself, so its cool that you thought to do that (I wish I thought of that immediately)

also about how you don't really have ONE thing for a special interest, that's something normal from what I've seen. you don't have to know everything about something to have it be a special interest. you don't have to have known about it for years or an extremely long period of time. its really an individual thing for how you view hyperfixations and sp.ins (special interests). so, if you think that psychology is a sp.in of yours, then its a sp.in. its really up to you

all the things i sent you arent to diagnose you, but involving yourself in the community, researching a lot, or calling yourself/self-diagnosining yourself as autistic is okay. its perfectly okay. i know you said that because of your age and your parents you arent able to get a diagnosis at this time, but don't let that stop you from finding out more (even if its not with a therapist or your parents) about autism and essentially about who you are

im always free to dm, so please reach out to me if you want to talk (doesn't have to be just about autism) :) /gen (also my discord server for autistic people is linked in my pinned post if you wanna check it out)

#autistic #autism spectrum disorder #autism #actually autistic #asd #autistic things #on the spectrum #autistic problems #autism problems #autism awareness

[broodsys]

for my new dwarven inquisitor, Asoq

What is your characters response to fear? (Happiness? Despair?)

Fear: She gets angry and aggressive. She’s used to fighting so that’s her go-to response. Fade spiders? She’ll fuck them up.

Happiness: Very loud, boisterous. I imagine the Carta is kinda... bold in their play, too, so she keeps that going.

Despair: Isolation! She’s not used to leaning on others so she doesn’t want anyone to see her being “weak”

How often does your character cry?

Never. She might cry in private over a huge, sudden loss, or as part of a breakdown that was building up for a long time, but really... never. See above re: “weakness”

What causes your character to make bad decisions?

Peer pressure, measuring up, and impulse. She’s the type who will do any dare. She’s not too impulsive during serious or dangerous situations, but she can be very impulsive in her day-to-day life and interpersonal relationships. She tries to not take anything too seriously and that sometimes backfires real bad.

What is your character's first reaction to hearing a baby crying?

Ew. Get it away. Annoyance.

What is your character's bedtime ritual? Their morning ritual?

Uhhh bedtime has usually been drop into whatever bed she has available and close her eyes and hope she doesn’t get woken up by a fight breaking out. During DAI it changes a bit, but she tends to only be in her tent/room to sleep. Probably not the best at personal hygiene but that changes a little when she has regular access to it. Morning is similar, and she tends to wake up alert. Has nightmares sometimes that wake her up, too, and then she usually won’t go back to sleep.

Are there any foods that your character hates but eats anyway?

She’d eat anything, mostly stemming from not having the luxury of choice, but she’s not big on anything raw. Less an actual opinion and more an association - having hot, cooked meals is kinda a luxury, so she gets really excited by that. Obviously she wasn’t out there stuffing raw meat in her face, but she did have to eat a lot of raw fruit and veg and nuts and stuff. It got old really fast.

How strongly does your character identify with their gender(s)?

Barely at all. If pressed in modern times, she’d probably ID as nonbinary or some kind of genderfuck, but rn she’s comfortable embracing both masculine and feminine aspects and doesn’t give it a lot of thought. Getting mocked for it doesn’t phase her at all. Her reaction to that kinda stuff is very “why the fuck do you care, rando.”

When did your character figure out their sexuality?

It’s not so much “figure out” as “willing to have lots of fun when the opportunity is there.” Again, it’s not something she’s really sat down and considered, instead just going with the flow. Again, if pressed during modern day, she’d probably ID as pan or bi, but rn it’s just all about having fun and whoever strikes her fancy. Or sometimes not even striking her fancy but just a useful way to get off/deal with tension.

Is your character ever surprised when they see themselves in the mirror?

Pre-DAI, only sometimes. Usually when something was different - got beat up, new haircut, etc. Part of that is that, again, she didn’t exactly have consistent access to mirrors. During DAI she gets startled by her reflection all the time because she looks so different - the mark on her hand particularly startles her, and she takes pains to hide it because the glow distracts her and makes her feel kinda nauseous. It’s not a reaction to the light or anything but stems from a sense of having her autonomy overriden and her body violated in a really fundamental way. The glow gives her nightmares. Oh, wait, just remembered that dwarves aren’t supposed to dream... but I still think the mark and being in the Fade could very well unlock that capability, so I’m sticking with it. But she also gets surprised at how clean and polished she looks during DAI. She’s used to roughing it and wearing whatever until it falls apart - here, she has access to wash basins and clean, high-end clothing every single day. It’s weird.

[colorisbyshe]

i love that post about being adhd and struggling to not spend money because every time i see it i think of new ways to make me stop spending money

and i think what has worked the best is sort of a spin on marie kondo’s “does it spark joy?” cleaning methods. a sort of value check waiting period.

to give an example, say a video game i’m into is coming out. i wanna pre order it but i ALSO know if i wait a month or two it’ll be on sale. so, i must play a game or two off my game backlog to test and see if i’m actually valuing video game time rn or if that pre ordered game i “can’t wait” to play is gonna end up on the shelf for 5 months.

you can do the same thing with books. are you actually reading what you own or is it just gonna sit there for forever?

and you can apply this to things other than consumable media. really like a new shirt after mindlessly browsing your fave store online? pause, take a look through the clothes you already own. do you already own a similar item? do you have clothes you’d wear with this shirt or would you never wear it cause you don’t have bottoms that match? do you have room for this? do you actually have anywhere you’d wear this to?

you can even do this with food, lol. make a list of stuff you NEED before going to the store (a sort of pre-check) and then if you get tempted by anything else while there, ask yourself how often you’d actually eat this, if you’d be able to finish it before it goes bad, what type of meal/snack this would go with or if you’d never find an occasion to eat it.

the best way to stem adhd fueled impulse spending is asking yourself questions and giving yourself space to reconsider

do you already have what you’re trying to buy at home? do you actually want it and know when you’d use it? when you have had this before or something like it, did you actually use it? did it make you happy or did it feel like a chore or did it leave no impression at all? should you work on finishing/using up something similar at home before you buy this thing that might replace it? how long is this craving gonna last and can you outlast it without giving in?

of course, sometimes in overeager moments, you might lie to yourself to justify an unnecessary purchase or maybe miss THE clarifying question but imo reducing any unnecessary spending is a win, especially if your budget is tight

AND it still leaves room to treat yourself. sometimes something DOES spark enough joy to pass the value check, you just prolonged the wait a small bit which might even make it feel better

[guavagloss]

my thoughts during each moon transit throughout each sign

moon in aries

- i’m irritated as fuck i’m irritated as fuck i’m irritated as fuck i’m irritated as fuck i’m irritated as fuck i’m irritated as fuck i’m

- i need to rant to someone rn or i’m gonna lose it

- road rage lmao

- wow that was a great workout

- impulse buying <3 and no i’m not thinking about the buyer’s remorse i’m gonna feel after buying myself this thing i don’t need <3

- time management?? idk who that is but they seem nice

- TRY ME i DARE u

moon in taurus

- i’m gonna ___ because i deserve it

- hey guys welcome back to my channel today i’m gonna show u guys my skincare routine <3

- might fuck around and eat three meals today 

- *takes a picture of the sunset*

- why am i on petfinder

- i deserve this nap

moon in gemini

- hiiiiiiii!!! <3

- *switches to bumble bff*

- omg!!! stickers!!!! 

- maybe i can be happy?

- maybe i should go back to therapy?

- idk

- i’m gonna talk to strangers

moon in cancer

- why do i feel the urge to cry??

- i need to cry

- where’s my journal this is tew much luv xx

- wow i’m so emotionally intelligent i’m such an empath

- i wish i had a cat

- i need to go back to therapy lmao

- the moon is so beautiful i love her

moon in leo 

- ONLY BAD BITCHES CAN RELATE TO REAL BAD BITCH SHIT!!!

- what if i vogued right here in front of the self-checkout cameras

- WHY DOESNT ANYONE LOVE ME

- i’m gonna wear this colorful top today

- *switches to bumble dating specifically for attention*

- i’m so hot and powerful

- wow i actually had a good hair day today

moon in virgo

- hmm maybe i’m not as hot and powerful as i thought 

- OVERTHINKING

- wow i should really clean my room

- i had such a great day at work!!

- people watching is so fun

- i’m only mean to u because i love u

- omfg why did i buy that??

moon in libra

- good morning bestie <3 

- how long have i been staring at myself in the mirror for lol

- hey guys welcome back to my channel today i’m gonna be showing you guys my everyday makeup routine <3

- i’m so pretty it’s no wonder everyone is in love with me

- so...there’s this person <3

- nvm

- i’m gonna buy this thing...but in pink <3

- *notices someone talking shit about someone i love* aht AHT!! NOT ON MY WATCH!!

moon in scorpio

- i’m gonna listen to my emo phase playlist

- i wanna cry i wanna scream i wanna curse someone out 

- where is MY JOURNAL

- i like to be fucked like a slut <3 come here zaddy lemme eat it up <3

- wow what a great workout

- (intensity intensifies)

moon in sagittarius

- there is not a man alive who can tell me what to do

- whoa maybe i should tone down on the sarcasm 

- this! bitch!

- hmm i should really do this thing, but i’m gonna go down another youtube rabbit hole instead <3

- be a slut do whatever u want

- might fuck around and try a new hobby

- you!! are going to LISTEN TO ME when I TALK!!! BITCH!!!

moon in capricorn

- money is the anthem of success <3

- nothing matters

- except my bag....and maybe like 2 people

- wow my comedic timing today >>>

- jesus christ why did i buy that

- romance is dead i hate my generation’s dating scene

- again, maybe i should tone down on the sarcasm

moon in aquarius

- i can’t feel anything and it’s great!!

- i’m gonna make a new playlist today

- “he-” dump him.

- alone time <3

- god i’m so lonely

- i just had the most amazing idea i need to write it down somewhere

- god i’m so smart and creative no wonder everyone is in love with me

moon in pisces

- i’m so tired pls

- i just had the craziest dream i wonder what it means

- oh look! there are those emotions i’ve been bottling up! and they’re back! with a vengeance! haha

- if i don’t take a nap i will d-word

- WHERE TF IS MY JOURNAL

- the tarot card reader on youtube said we should kiss <3

- what a day!! i did absolutely nothing except create scenarios that are never going to happen!! <3

- i’m gonna buy a crystal today

#astrology #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #moon #moon signs #moon transits #spirituality

[another-dr-another]

wait i can do that? yeah i want to put all my guess into one ask!! rn i only have two ideas though, {repeatedly try to attack anyone or anything} + posts 5 and 8 and {I made sure it was confident,} + posts 13 and 1! still sus on that attention thing but i cant think of another statement contradicting it. -no braincells anon

//Note: Think of this as a scrum debate, if you were following when we had that at the beginning of the trial! It’s same general concept: Counter every statement, all at once! Additionally: text in {red} with those brackets signifies that the statement has been successfully countered once, and is weak, but needs another counter. [Red] text in those brackets means that the statement has been entirely countered. One issue: I have to go back and edit this in after post is uploaded (tumblr doesn’t let me answer asks in html) so text may not be red right as you see the post, especially if its a new post^^;;

~*~

Maeda - But you weren’t confident everytime you spoke!

Maeda - As soon as we got here, remember the debate we had over starting the vote immediately?

Maeda - You were the one who did that!

Inori - I- I just didn’t know what we were doing, it was a dumb comment, and that’s just one bit of evidence!

Maeda - True… but even when we did know what we were doing, you kept attacking people impulsively!

Maeda - Like Yamaguchi, once Tsurugi was cleared, you kept going back to targeting him, saying we shouldn’t write him off when we began to dismiss him.

Inori - Yeah, because Yamaguchi is weird, and it’s dumb to dismiss someone simply because we don’t think they could do it.

Inori - Besides, that’s still just a one time thing!

~*~ Statement Playback Sensation: Start!

~*~ Past statements:

Inori - Honestly, I kinda agree with Higa. - Post 4   Inori - That doesn’t work, the injury doesn’t serve as real evidence  when we don’t know it’s validity. It could have easily been faked. As  far as we know, the blackened has no reason for injuring Tsurugi, not  when they could’ve just waited for him to return to his room. - Post 5   Inori - So I didn’t play full attention to the severity of the wound,  just did an assessment based off a glance and his other symptoms. - Post 6   Inori - Well, other weapons wouldn’t have such a far reach and clean entry at that size, not without specialized equipment we don’t have  here, so trust the person who looks at gunshots instead of causing them. - Post 7   Inori - …Someone tall like you though… who has experience working with murders, and knowing what’ll get someone caught… - Post 12   Inori - What do you mean? Couldn’t they have gotten it at the store, since that has like… everything? - Post 13   Inori - So being preoccupied with Tsurugi, then Maeda, then looking at the body after it had been discovered, and moved…  - Post 14   Inori - I mean, if you haven’t reached a conclusion, maybe we’re looking at this wrong? - Post 16

~*~

Inori - I’m just… gonna rapid fire through the reasons it couldn’t be me.

Inori - I’ve {told the truth about what I knew} whenever I knew what was happening

Inori - Sure, I pointed a few fingers, but so did everyone!

Inori - I didn’t {repeatedly try to attack anyone or anything} like how you guys are doing now!

Inori - I only spoke up when I was confident on my answer, or thought I was pointing out something important.

Inori - Everytime I spoke, {I made sure it was confident,} not some half-assed attempt to get everyone to select a culprit.

Inori - The only time I fought with anyone, was over my autopsy being completely disregarded.

Inori - Other than that, I just {agreed with the decisions} that were made.

Inori - And as for the fucking behavior that you all keep talking about?

Inori - Despite how thrown I was, I {did my best to pay attention} and give accurate, helpful statements!

Inori - You’re all just accusing me because I slipped up a few times!

Inori - All I did… was make a few mistakes…

Inori - Don’t fuck things up, don’t vote for me!

~*~

Maeda, narrating - Alright… I think I’m starting to get somewhere with this.

Maeda - Also, Inori’s not really giving arguments with the stuff I brought up, just saying I need more evidence and giving weak explanations.

Maeda - I can do this!

#sdra2 #dra #kanata inori #yuki maeda #class trial #chapter 1 #deadly life #au #fangan #fanganronpa

[yandere-ghostbox]

Hi there! Your Josh posts are so good, I love reading them!! If you have time and are up for it, how would Josh go about interacting with his crush during the quarantine? Would he text them more often or even video call them? Idk just something I was wondering about since everyone's stuck at home now.

I’m skipping a few requests to get to this one (I will get to them don't worry) just because it’s such a... cute and relevant concept rn so here’s some quarantine HC’s 

Some of the headcanon’s drift into NSFW, be warned

Edit: this got kind of long, sorry!

---

He’s very frustrated, let’s just get that out of the way

Not being able to work out or even swing his bat outside of the confines of his small apartment is torture on his mind, and as a result, all of his tendencies get amplified with how antsy he is

He writes a lot more than usual to keep his mind occupied. Anyone would be able to see how worn and loved his journal is, even if no one but him will ever see the contents. While stuck inside, he jots down every fantasy that pops into his mind, and every now and again he’ll text you or call you out of no where to see how you react to something he says or some “purely hypothetical” situation so that his depictions of you can be authentic.

Quarantine doesn’t stop him from stalking you completely, it just makes it a hell of a lot harder. 

If you’re still working, he’ll make sure to time any deliveries/orders/grocery runs when you’re working just so that he can be within six feet of your conscious form. If you aren’t, he’ll watch through the windows of your home through his car. You must be going stir crazy and it eats at him that he can’t be around you to see how you adjust to such a new situation.

The two of you still call regularly - albeit with several other people in the channel - for your study groups and to talk about online class. Whereas before he paid the most attention to the shifts in your expression, he now finds a new fixation in your voice. If you suggest a video call - because he won’t - he’ll just about short circuit when he finally sees your face again, and the beauty of technology means that he can record your calls without needing to be subtle at all.

When true lockdown begins, and he can’t even walk/bike to where you are (no matter how far), can’t even drive after dark to get a glimpse of you, his obsession finally begins to leak from the carefully maintained covers he’s kept it under, outward.

Only one spot on his wall is clean/devoid of anything, and his laptop is set up meticulously so that when he’s in class calls or even talking to you, his camera is positioned perfectly so that it only shows that empty spot.

Because the rest of his room is covered in you.

There are a few holes in the walls from where he’s punched them (or more innocently, hit with his bat when overextending a swing), and he covers them with your texts and a mix of the old, old pictures that he had of you from back in middle and high school as well as new screenshots from your video calls. 

He definitely texts you more often. He’s even bold enough to change your name in his phone to “My Darling (Y/N)”. He’ll have to remember to change it back to just your name before he sees you again.

One night, he’s just about to tear his hair out with how bored he is and you hadn’t texted him back since around dinner time, so he decides to refresh his skills. As soon as it’s dark, he begins the long walk to your house. When he arrives, you’re already asleep and he makes quick work of getting into your room, muscle memory giving him a hand. He knows that he hasn’t been exposed - he’s been very well isolated - so he doesn’t hesitate to lay next to your sleeping form, and as he does, as he reaches out and traces the relaxed curve of your cheek, it feels as if all the nerves building up over the past month have dissolved into nothing.

But then he hears noise from within the house and knows that he needs to leave sooner than he’d like. Fate rewards him however for checking on you (and in turn keeping himself in check) when his attention is drawn to some laundry that didn’t quite make it in with the rest. 

Josh doesn’t steal from you when he visits because he doesn’t want you to find out, but desperate times call for desperate measures and the old shirt that he’s never seen you wear seems innocent enough, and most importantly, easy to miss. And, he reasons, this will be the last time he’s near you physically for an indeterminate amount of time. So he takes it and lays low on the walk back because he’s never wanted to be caught, and this would be one of the worst times to be caught out or otherwise.

The next time that the two of you call each other one on one, he can’t stop himself from holding your old shirt to his nose and finding release as he hears your voice, nearly groaning out loud when you call his name over the speaker, wondering why he’s so zoned out. By the end of the week, that shirt is covered in his cum and he wonders, not for the first time, if he should have just thrown himself into each of his impulses to take you when he had the chance. What faces would you make... what noises would you make...

Quarantine is horny time and he is only human.

He makes a note in his journal, along with the list of things he needs to remember to fix when all this is over (the holes, the dent in his bat, the blood he never cleaned off of the walls from how his fists bled, throwing out burning the printouts he made, changing your contact name...), to wash and return your shirt. The thought of you wearing something that he’s defiled so completely makes his heart race and face flush rather uncharacteristically and moves him to go call you just to start some petty play fight with you on the phone.

#quarantine #asks #request #Joshua zents #oc josh #josh x reader #josh x you #yandere x reader #yandere x you #yandere oc #my ocs #my ocs josh

[surveysonfleek]

1548.

Zodiac Bingo 

Aries Gotta go fast Independence Participant, always Fuck you, don’t tell me what do to *brooding intensifies* Good sense of humor I ain’t neva scared “I’m not competitive but I’m gonna win” Assertive Going first Running yellow lights

People are drawn to you even tho you don’t invite them Feelings = action Impulsivity Creative Leader Competent “I thought you didn’t like me”-everyone Accidentally hurting people’s feelings Shares everything with partner What if the pope blasted cigs? Starting shit you don’t feel like finishing “I guess that was rude” No. 9/24

Taurus Treat yo’self Underappreciated at work Loyalty Great tastes in art&culture Spoiled (or wishing you were) Robe appreciation A vice (alcohol, weed, or comfort food) Homemaking/nesting Continuing to do something you don’t love just because you’re resistant to change Affection via touch Easy going Perfecting a wardrobe that is both comfy and flawless Having good ass eyebrows Highkey sensitive Stubborn af Not even taking your *own* advice Gossiping Lady in the street but a freak in the bed Creativity Spooning Commitment Stressing out over a change in someone’s tone of voice Finishing what you started Lots of venting lol 9/24

Gemini Unpopular opinion factory Secret&diverse intellectual landscape “Oh I got really into *miscellaneous hobby or topic* for a while” Intellectualizing or ignoring feelings Cleaning maybe once a year Look, a distraction! Thinking faster than you can talk Restless without hobbies Talking faster than you can think Reading four books at once Tons of energy Teaching others what you know Trivia machine Moodiness Knowing everything but also forgetting everything Existential crisis “Sorry I forgot to text you back” So many interests so little time Accidentally talking too loud Young at heart Pretty good public speaker Endless scrolling Shitposting Unpredictable sleep schedule 5/24

Cancer Connecting with women “Guess I’ll have to love you with my whole heart and soul” Vegetarianism/veganism Fear of rejection Surrounding yourself with soft blankets and  mood lighting Ferocious protector “I’m not going to dwell on it” *dwells on it* Takes child-rearing seriously Hardshell protecting soft ego Feeding sad friends Forecast: mood swings Heart of gold but still a badass Bad with boundaries Learning how to relax like it’s your job Lightweight drinker Yeah. Crying, ok? It’s not a big deal Mama trauma Food = comfort Nostalgia as a coping mechanism Identify built off memories Complaining Very emotionally intuitive of others Big fan of physical and emotional affection People telling you all their BS all the time 9/24

Leo Friendly Self-indulgence Never being able to tell if you’re the best or the worst People trying to compete with you lol Sensitive Decent at cheering people up Great hair Wardrobe swings between hot as hell and lazy af Interrupting Having a sense of honor Not doing something because you’re not good at it Talking too loud Finding dogs pretty relatable Creative talent Super supportive friend Enthusiasm Socializing like it’s your job&then needing to recharge Memes Priorities: eating and sleeping Boo hiss at rejection Looking good even when you feel like shit Drama Needing lots of love Loyal 9/24

Virgo Relating to Hermione Granger Gives great advice even when your own life is in shambles Flirting and running, an autobiography Petty Pretty damn intelligent Loving words/linguistics 8 hours of “studying” = 1 hour of real work Swings between clean and slobbish Indecision Splurging on food Mom friend A freak on the DL Peculiar eating habits Pretty good with words Good with pets and/or kids Known to schedule sex Multitasking af Cleaning as a coping mechanism “It me” Loves self-care but deprioritizes it 0 to hottie in 2 seconds flat Lowkey wood nymph All the receipts Bratty sub or service top 10/24

Libra If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all Pls no fighting Good judge of character Leadership roles in friendships Takes up less emotional space for the well being of others Art adoration Real glo up wizards Nature adoration Hates boredom Wholesome Keep it cute Emotionally braced for betrayal Lowkey running from problems with people Falling in love with people’s hearts/minds Investing in your appearance Loves all things cute Always the mediator Trust issues Charming Staying up to date on culture Taking the high road Always putting your feelings aside for others Aesthetics Mom friend 6/24

Scorpio Growing up early Being a new person every few years Black/dark wardrobe Pain is cool Interest in psychology/criminology/sociology Privacy Sexual but not promiscuous All or nothing thinking Intelligent Loner/lonely Taking care of everyone Would kill or die for loved ones Protective as fuck Bloodhound for truth Deep Fascination with death/insanity/occultism Love-hate relationships “idk I’m just feeling numb rn” Jealous or possessive Trust issues Loyal as fuck Secretly soft Gets shit done Boundaries 6/24

Sagittarius Long ass bucket list Prefers to mind their own business Unbothered Nice enough that people always think you’re hitting on them Fear of missing out Optimism Honest and upfront Your shit is lowkey not together Plenty of friends Snobby enough to have good taste Flirting your way into something you can’t finish Storyteller or philosophical preacher “Here for a good time, not a long time” “…rude” Free spirit “Films” Distracted Smarter than you look I’m just speaking my truth! “I’m just inviting a few people” Falls in love with your mind, then your body Blows up the aux cord Hedonism phases Horniness gets you into some shit lol 11/24

Capricorn On your grind Discipline dgaf attitude Stoic in the streets, softie in the sheets Planning ahead, way ahead Always prepared (Un)healthy coping mechanisms Likes structure Prioritizing self-mastery Loyal protector of friends, babies, and animals Basically born an adult Dark humor People being mad about your tough love Old soul Major procrastinator Kind of a know-it-all on the DL Major sadness and madness People thanking you for your tough love People think you’re responsible “Why was I programmed to feel pain” meme Parenting your parents “Lock that in the trauma vault” Either a loner or a socialite Giving advice like it’s your job 5/24

Aquarius Me, an intellectual: Needing to do things your way Superiority complex Gossip Conspiracy theories Skepticism Not even having the energy to tell people how wrong they are Courteous/considerate People love you but you hate people Lonely Outsider syndrome Relating to cats a great deal Hates being told what to do or when to do it Not trusting someone/something that’s popular Being accused of being emotionless Insightful Feeling like the only rational person in a room Existential crisis Devil’s advocate just to get people to think Rationalizing tf out of your feelings Hates small talk Vices You’re entitled to your opinion no matter how wrong it is Interest in sociology, psychology, and politics 10/24

Pisces Empath Dramatic Poetry or music Lots of imagination, fluctuating identity Getting high on being outside (and maybe weed) Alone time “Idk I’m just a lil sad rn idk” Spiritual af Helping people heal Existential dread Pets love you Mommy issues Good with kids Cathartic crying over art, movies, or nature Knowing how people feel before they do Feeling misunderstood/alone “Go with the flow” Encountering spirits On life: “I’m just here for the ride” Drugs Forgiving others but blaming yourself Kindness Sorry, I was dissociating Exploring nature 3/24

I am most like a: Sagittarius

I am actually a: Sagittarius (I actually don’t really believe in starsigns but here you go lol)

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

[talkingsong]

Intense times are up ahead: embrace them.

Wisdom from my oracle cards.

General (all) Energy Prediction:

(This is the general collective energy for all those coming across this post. Read this first, and then go looking for your zodiac sign below to get a more specific energy reading.)

New moon time (tonight, at the time of me posting this) is going to be, for lack of a better term, the grace period. The most “normal” things’ll feel for a while for most of us. Like a sort of new feeling of normal, but a welcome one. And tomorrow, things that we’ve been ignoring or just pushing to the side as unimportant are going to smack us back, square in the face. Things will crumble. Emotional storms specifically, lies that we told in the past coming up once again. Something’s going to have to be kept hidden. I feel like a lot of us are making a choice between two things, or just making some sort of decision in general, and the advice is to follow the thing that resonates more with your identity, because chances are that your mind and intuition will both be clouded. Make the choice that will make your inner child and the person that you are becoming happy. Also, re-acess your morals and who it is that you want to be.

Song you should be listening to: Wine Red by The Hush Sound. 

https://youtu.be/E4_vEs0r2Z4

ARIES.

Don’t spend time with people who do not fully appreciate who you are. Don’t spend energy on people who don’t have the energy to be happy with themselves and where they are in life. The present is important to you now, Aries, and it’s time that you started acting like it. 

Song you should be listening to: Bottom Of The River by Delta Rae, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bimam2j2gEg

LEO.

Become truer to yourself. Don’t be putting on a show for yourself and don’t be fake when you’re alone with yourself. Rather, don’t lie to yourself and others. Don’t pretend you’re one thing when really you’re the other, especially just to impress others or live up to a higher standard. The world is not your stage. Stages are meant to be elevated and fake. Backstage is where the real magic happens. (Being true to yourself is especially important for a Leo moon at this time.) Be truer internally and externally both, and naturally the right people will fall in line and follow suit, wanting to work with you rather than compete against you. 

Song you should be listening to: Primadonna Girl by Marina and the Diamonds. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gj5L9SYhoSE

SAGGITARIUS.

Follow that spark of passion in your soul and have complete trust and confidence when going after what it is that you want. Like the lyric in Arsonist’s Lullaby (which is your song, btw, for whatever reason) it says, “all you have is your fire and the place you need to reach.” Follow that! Whatever it is that you’re ambitious about or feel inspired or passionate about doing, do it! Understand that where you are in your life at this moment will be something that you will look back on fondly, so remember to make the most of it. 

Song you should be listening to: Arsonist’s Lullaby by Hozier. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eJbxI-jZbA

LIBRA.

You need to be living in the moment more. Act on impulse. Do something weird. Risk something. Just do it. I really don't think that there’s much else of a message here other than your need to be more of a risk taker. There’s a lyric in Twin-Sized Mattress by The Front Bottoms where it says, “I wanna contribute to the chaos, I don’t wanna watch and then complain,” and that’s the sort of energy I’m getting here. Listen to that song, but while you dance around your room naked because why not, listen to this:

Rather Be by Clean Bandit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtUJNhKbbx4

GEMINI.

Do not be afraid to cut it off, say what you mean, get mad, and get yours. IF THERE IS A PATTERN THAT YOU HAVE WITH ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL, BREAK IT. Shatter it and change it. That’s what this new moon is about. I understand that this is scary for you but you need to understand that whatever this situation is is depriving you of something that you need and causing you stress, and quite obviously, fear that doesn’t need to be there. If there’s conflict you need to go on your own. You will be safer on your own and you will end up in a better place when on your own. 

Songs you should be listening to- Runs in the Family by Amanda Palmer https://youtu.be/G6f0AdWLXHE and I’m So Sorry by Imagine Dragons, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0gddT_DDzQ

AQUARIUS. 

First of all- if you have any allergies to food or anything else, PAY EXTRA ATTENTION. Any health issues too. The back of my throat started swelling almost like I was having an allergic reaction, so please, please, please be careful. For Aquarius Suns and Moons only. Also, expect a good change in business but expect the unexpected in all regions of your life. Please be safe. The song for you guys is literally called “choke” so this is a weird ass omen I’m getting for you guys but please make sure that you are near a medical center should you need one.

Song you should be listening to: Choke by I Don’t Know How But They Found Me, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v64-DpcLEvI

SCORPIO.

There’s some sort of lesson that you learned in the past that you need to reflect on- or, rather, let go of. I feel like, in typical scorpio fashion, there’s shadow work that needs to be done within yourself at this time but specifically in relationships and in the ways that you communicate with other people. Maybe look up your mercury sign. Let past mindsets and relationships go, baby. 

Song you should be listening to; Playing God by Paramore. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDy2wCQYSrU

CANCER.

Make space for the good things to come into your life. Good things can’t come until we get rid of the bad things- and in this place of your life right now, you’re currently in control of the things of which are bad in your life. Therefore, you have the power to transmute and improve those bad things into good things or get rid of them and solve them completely for extra blessings. Everything that can make your life better is currently In your own hands, cancer. Use it. Take what you have, accept the present, and be the wind-bender. CHANGE it. And, to be blunt, stop looking at the universe or god to solve your problems for you. You are independent enough to not rely on beings that can’t even manifest themselves into the earthy realm to solve all of your problems. Become your own life-fixer and satisfier. Make it how you please. You have the power to do so. 

Song you should be listening to: Buy The Stars by Marina and the Diamonds. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAAtmIoa_L0

PISCES.

How many pisces are here rn? Anyways, this is going to apply more if you’re a pisces rising, so..... Idk. A lot of cards fell out. Rid yourself of habits that are toxic, including past codependency and abandonment issues. Just work on them. Understand that this process is going to take a while, but you need to work on what it is that makes you have a need for other people and what fear stops you from being fully independent and having your own personality. Find signs about this in the most obscure of places- your angels and guides are helping you. Be patient with yourself. There is no time limit or expectations for healing or self-improvement. 

Song you should be listening to: Be OK by Ingrid Michealson https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zU3472bvdHI

VIRGO.

This is gunna fell like a bullet to the head, virgo, so brace yourself for the bluntness... If it hurts your feelings, wrap yourself in a blanket with my sincere apology of how this reading in going to come across. You have my love and understanding cause I’ve been In this situation too. So, here goes...

Stop isolating yourself. You are not the victim to the situation that you created in the first place. You are blaming other people for the own shit that you stirred up because you still haven’t learned from your past mistakes. No one but you is going to pay the price for your own narcassistic actions, and you are not the server of karma!

That hurt? yeah, sorry. Here’s the good news, though: this chaos will eventually pass, like a cloud in the sky. You’re okay. This situation is just trying to teach you something. Accept its lesson. The universe, me, everyone really, loves you unconditionally, so there's no need to attack or be defensive about anything. breathe. let it go. 

Song you should be listening to: Sorry About Your Parents by Icon For Hire- 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCxg7w9tIJo

TAURUS.

Fully go after and fully commit to your goals. Let go of any fear and self doubt about it and really work towards what it is that you want in a steady pace. (the real taurus way to do things.) 

CAPRICORN.

Is my least favorite zodiac sign and it’s also past my bedtime so go off I guess. Night!

#energy #energyreading #freereading #generalreading #tarot #tarotreading #oracle #oraclecards #quote #witch #witchcraft #witchy #zodiac #signs #horoscope #moon #eclipse #newmoon #moonphases #cycles #aaaa #psychic #mystic

[romanceismycallingcard]

50 questions tag!

I got tagged by @bl-crossingtheline​! Hello darling! Sorry I’m so late on this. Needed a good block of time and then I just kept forgetting. 😜😂

Questions:

what color is your hairbrush? Aqua/Teal

name a food you never eat: Brussel sprouts. And fish.

are you typically too warm or too cold? Um... in winter I’m just perpetually cold. I prefer to be on the warmer side. But as I’ve gotten older that’s changed a little bit. But I don’t know if I’m like always cold or whatever.

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? lol eating fresh home made sour dough bread with my family.

what’s your favorite candy bar? 100 grand bars

have you ever been to a professional sports game? yes. a hockey game with my family and brothers’ hockey teams. 

what’s the last thing you said out loud?: My brother was leaving so I yelled BYEEEEE HAVE A NICE DAY from my room and he said NO~! YOU HAVE A NICE DAY! so then I said FINE IF YOU’RE FORCING ME TO. lol. That was one of our nicer interactions 😂

what’s your favorite ice cream?: anything with caramel or maybe moosetracks. Or just plain vanilla cuz it’s classic, yummy, and underappreciated.

what was the last thing you had to drink? milk

do you like your wallet?: Yes! I do! I found it years ago at a thrift store and it was just perfect for me. It’s black with a pretty metal thing with engraved flowers on it. It zips closed AND there’s a coin pouch inside. And it’s the kind that folds in half rather than the kind that looks like a clutch purse which I’m really glad about because the clutch purse shaped ones seem to almost never be quite the right size - either too big or too small and sometimes the latch breaks so then it just flops open. :P

what’s the last thing you ate? sour dough bread

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? um.... no. But i did this last Friday cuz I had to pick up some things from Walmart and I impulse bought a $10 dress that looked comfy and light weight and casual and I can wear it on days when I don’t want to wear pants. I didn’t have a good dress for days like that before.

what’s the last sporting event you watched? uh...... i don’t. Unless my friend showing me a two minute compilation clip of the danish (i think?) sport of jumping over rivers with a pole counts. or unless watching super junior perform counts. 

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? butter + salt or white cheddar

who’s the last person you sent a text to? real texting it was a mom I babysit for. But more recently than that I was messaging blue (musicdramalove) on tumblr.

ever go camping? my family used to go camping a lot - like at least once a year. But we haven’t for several years now since all my siblings and I are adults now. I think I might’ve gone with friends a couple years ago though. idk.

do you take vitamins? nope. If I get sick, I drink a looooooot of orange juice.

do you go to church every sunday? yeah

do you have a tan? not right now. hopefully I will by the end of summer (if not June)

do you prefer chinese or pizza? chinese (but pizza’s good too)

do you drink soda through a straw? not unless I order it at a restaurant and it’s in a glass. But that’s rare. I usually order water or sometimes a cocktail.

what color socks do you usually wear? I have a set that’s cream, a couple greys, and white, and I have a set that’s cream, grey and light pink.

do you ever drive above the speed limit? heck yeah. Usually I keep it to about 5-10 above. But it also depends on what streets I’m on.

what terrifies you? Failing at working a career job or living a miserable life or being alone forever with no one to take care of me when I’m sick.

look to your left, what do you see? my purse on the floor next to my dresser

what chore do you hate the most? scrubbing my shower/bathtub.

what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? steve the animal guy or liam and chris hemsworth or KJ Apa or Rebel Wilson. Or the other day when I was talking to my nanny kiddos about accents and the girl and I could do decent-ish british accents but absolutely failed at an Aussie accent

what’s your favorite soda? root beer

do you go in fast food places or just hit the drive thru? depends on the day or sometimes the line of cars in the drive thru

what’s your favorite number? 4. idky but I’ve always thought of it as my lucky number. Plus I just like it. It’s even. It’s small. 2 + 2 = 4 and 2 x 2 = 4.

who’s the last person you talked to? my brother when I was yelling bye to him.

favorite cut of beef? yeah i really don’t know or care

last song you listened to? We by Yesung

last book you read? honestly can’t even tell you.

can you say the alphabet backwards? YES I CAN AND I’M VERY PROUD ABOUT THIS

favorite day of the week? mmm..... saturday because I usually see my friends on saturday and also refuse to do homework on saturdays.

how do you like your coffee? with a big scoop of hot chocolate powder and quite a bit of half and half. sometimes I forego the chocolate powder but my preference is to have it. 

favorite pair of shoes? oooh..... I love my shoes. I have so many that I like. um... okay I’m gonna say it’s this one pair of brown heels I have. They look kinda like leather, orangey-brown, 4in tall heel, and they’re almost like ankle boots because the material goes to just below my ankle. They look amazing with skinny jeans.

time you normally get up? mm..... somewhere between 8 and 9 I guess if I wake up naturally. But I have to get up at 6:15 for work and 7am on days when I have church bc I’m head of nursery (but church is at 10am and online cuz quarantine)

sunrise or sunsets? hm.... I guess sunset bc it sets behind the mountains and it’s gorgeous.

how many blankets on your bed? rn 1 really light one cuz summer’s basically here.

describe your kitchen plates? white with a red and grey design on them with a red border on the edge

describe your kitchen at the moment? currently a mess bc things are being moved around and sorted and everything is everywhere. Other than that, it’s got a sink, fridge, oven, dishwasher, you know, the uszh. 

do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? mm.... right now I guess my go to is a moscato wine. I think that’s my favorite thing right now. You can call me a wimp but hey it’s a step up from Mike’s hard mango punch. I also really like mules.

do you play cards? yes.

what color is your car? silver. and it annoys me bc it looks like every other unimpressionable unremarkable unmemorable car out there :p

can you change a tire? .............................................no.

your favorite state/province/county/etc.? MINE

favorite job you’ve had? my babysitting job for a neighborhood family. I’ve been babysitting them for about 7 years now and I have been with them for two of their kids’ births and I’ve gotten to watch them grow up and develop personalities and learn about life and it has been such a fun experience and blessing to me.

how did you get your biggest scar? okay so I don’t know about biggest, but the one that I’ve probably had the longest and is still clearly visible is one that’s on my foot. It’s about a cm long and is about an inch or so in from the base of my second toe on my right foot. I got it when I was... I think a sophomore in high school when my family visited my bro and sis-in-law out of state for Thanksgiving. I went to grab a bottle of sparkling apple cider out of the fridge but, in the process of grabbing it or moving something aside or something, the bottle of sparkling cider fell out of the fridge onto the tile floor right next to my foot and SHATTERED. I was frozen in shock. Didn’t know what to do. Felt embarrassed and felt bad about the broken bottle and mess. I didn’t even realize until my mom and sis-in-law were cleaning up the floor around me that there was a small shard of glass somewhat embedded in my foot. I don’t remember feeling any pain from it. I think I was probably still in shock. But I still have the scar. 

Tagging: I don’t really know and I’m tired so ANYONE WHO WANTS TO 😊

#tag game #50 questions #fun times

[prometheanglory]

tagged by @/edda-blattfe! thanks for the tag !

fic prefs: aaaaaa i’m a rly big fan of angst and drama? kvjdfbh generally speaking I only read fics rated mature and up, but if it’s got the potential for emotional evisceration then i’m already eyeing it up 👀 that being said, i don’t like fics that go too hammy on the angst and always resorting to death and or having to break down screaming and crying or something lol i’m incredibly picky w/ angst. i’m very much for symbolism and introspection.... love me some nuanced  feelings. huge fan of fics with flavors of self-imposed destruction or kinda. impulsive crash and burn?? i’m NOT here for woobies, i need... self-awareness of being Awful... IF I WALK AWAY FROM IT WITH FEELINGS THAT I CAN’T PLACE (in a good way) THEN UGH. YES!!!

slow burn or love at first sight ? (I’M A LITTLE BITCH FOR SLOW BURN I LOVE IT SO MUCH...THE YEARNING.... THE YEARNING!!!)

fake dating or secretly dating ? (i cant pick LMAO i like them both. fake dating bc there’s the inevitable Slip, secret dating bc of the need to hide away.. good stuff.)

enemies to lovers or friends to lovers ? (i like the Gradual Shift and the difficulties of moving on from ur past habits... like YES.)

“oh no there’s only one bed” or long distance correspondence? ( :-) hehehe )

hurt / comfort or amnesia ? (generally speaking i don’t rly read hurt/comfort but i get kinda bored of amnesia fics.)

fantasy au or modern au ? ( modern aus usually just fall into the same pitfalls and i get kinda bored ! fantasy always good fun ! ) 

mutual pining or domestic bliss ? ( mmmm :] it’s just ! exciting to read about two people chasing after each other )

smut or fluff ? (horny on main LMAO but yeah. shit b hitting differently. takes a skilled hand to effectively write smut and not bore the reader. bonus points if you throw in extra emotions outside of ‘i need to bang rn’, i’m fond of the smut fics that got a double sided blade. hit me with that subtle angst or I Am So Entranced By You. EMOTIONAL HIGHS YEAH )

canon complement / missing scenes or fix it ? (i like both ? but if i honestly if i had to chose, canon complement can rly emphasize and heighten the emotional impact of a scene bc the fics can dive much further than the actual source could have due to time constraints or something ! )

one shot or multi chapter ? (depends ! but generally i like multichapter things)

kid fic or road trip ? ( hmm.... hard question. i don’t really read either of these, but i think i’d choose road trip just because it’s got good potential for character interactions bc ur stuck in the same tiny space LMAO. )

reincarnation or character’s death ? (HONESTLY. I LOVE REINCARNATION IF ITS DONE IN A RLY SPECIFIC WAY BUT. yknow sometimes u just prefer it when they die and its done with. something very, clean cut about it. room for introspection and processing how exactly the death is affecting them?? love it. )

arranged marriage or accidental marriage ? (GOOD SLOWBURN POTENTIAL. SO MUCH GOOD SLOW BURN POTENTIAL. )

neighbors or roommates ? (aint no better way to learn about each other than being crammed in the same place)

high-school romance or middle-aged romance ? (idk. good jaded potential. i like it. a nice mature flare to things outside of the usual genre of ‘teenage fling’. that being said though, middle-aged flings are very much welcomed.) 

time travel or isolated together ? (lot’s of freedom here)

sci-fi au or magic au ? (i haven’t seen many sci fi aus for the things that i read rip so this an unfair advantage)

body swap or genderbend ? (i don’t rly read these fics ! but if i had to, i’d read bodyswap just because)

angst or crack ? ( i think i already exposed myself as an angst/drama maniac through my previous answers. I JUST RLY. LIKE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY. PLEASE DEAR GOD SHOW ME EFFECTIVE EMOTIONAL WRITING WITH AN INCREDIBLE AND UNIQUE ATMOSPHERE.)

apocalyptic or mundane ? ( KICK ASS AND SURVIVE. also i just like the angst and desperation potential that comes with apocalyptic. not so much an ‘edgy grimdark one-note tale’ but i like the possible exploration of tragedy and hope. ) honestly if u see this, ur tagged. go. do it. i need u to do it. i cannot be the only clown in this circus. (but just in case. hi yume ily homie @briarrosescurse)

#v speaks #(honks my clown nose)

[1998tales]

3 JULY 2020

11:02AM

I hate how I keep impulse buying. I signed back up for Book of the Month even though I’ve yet to complete any of the ten+ books I bought from that monthly service. I saw something called Mexican Gothic and wanted to get it. I know that if I don’t like a book next month, I can skip it and won’t be charged every month. Or maybe I’ll just cancel again. I need to be more responsible. I’ve read three books this year. Three! What’s sad is that for a moment, I forgot which books I had read as well. This is horrible. For the rest of month, I’m not buying anything online unless it’s an essential item (or a birthday gift). I feel terrible.

I think about all the things that I need to pay back like student loans or services How did I become this person who squanders her money? I’ve been afraid of going to get health and dental checks for a long time. So, instead of putting money aside for it, I’ll buy a book or a makeup item. I was unemployed for so long that my student loan debt went up 8K dollars. I will never pay it off because of how little money I make. What’s sad is that if I had had some control when I got my job 5 years ago, I could have at least made the debt down by 10K or so. 

Now, I’m at an age where I should have a mortgage and be trying to pay off a house, but I don’t think I’ll ever get there. I have too much already on my plate. I just feel so hopeless, so I excuse these expenses. Books stack up unread. My makeup gets used, most of the time, because it’s the only means I have for feeling feminine and for feeling better looking. But I don’t take care of my health at all. I wear the same clothes every week to work with little variation. They are clean, but at my weight, I can’t find much else to wear. I look like a slob.

When I’m not using online ordering to feel better, it’s unhealthy food. When I started my job 5 years ago, a co-worker joked that this place only hired fat short people. I was 30 lbs overweight at the time. Now, I’m 87 lbs overweight. I’ve never felt worse in my life. 

Aside from that, I still have transportation issues. I’m afraid of driving. I have the money in the bank for driving school, but I haven’t even called about enrolling in classes. I’m just so afraid of getting behind the wheel. I’m not sure how I’m going to overcome this fear. I know that it is something that needs to happen this year because I won’t have someone to take me to work at some point.

So, I’ve decided that after my birthday, that I’m going to make 2020 a better year. Another plan. How many have I had this year? I can’t even look at my resolutions list from January.

I’ve been thinking lately since I ditched social media that I should just take an internet break. No more reading reddit. No more reading news sites. Or anything else really. I’m no longer watching certain booktubers who demand compelled speech nor beautubers who do the same as well.

I’ll keep my video streaming services, because I have things that I want to watch, but I don’t want to interact with people much anymore. I don’t want to make youtube videos anymore. I don’t care about cancel culture. I’m tired of the negativity. I’m tired of being told that only certain voices should be heard. There is no room for white people, especially white people who are Christian and pro-life. Call that “white woman tears” all you want, but excluding someone on the basis of their race and/or religion is discriminatory. 

What can I accomplish even in a week if I block myself from reading negativity and watching negative videos? We shall see.

I’m still going to write on this tumblr though. It’s the only thing I’ve managed to stick to this year. 

8:13PM

I’ve read cantos 5 and 6 of Dante’s Inferno. The gluttony one hit me hard. I wouldn’t like to be in the cold, icy rain and disgusting muck rolling around. No thank you.

I’ve listened to Dream Wife’s new album. I liked the song Temporary a lot. It deals with supporting your friend through her miscarriage. That isn’t talked about a lot. I like RH, RN which is Right Here, Right Now which talks about living in the present.

#dante's inferno #dream wife #dream wife band #book of the month

[purplesurveys]

840

if given the chance to do anything, what would it be? Have a graduation ceremony. Mine was supposed to be tomorrow.

do you like the band rise against? Yesssss. They were a part of my punk rock phase in high school. Satellite was my favorite song of theirs; always made me feel things.

when was the last time you showered? Last midnight.

have you ever went back to an ex, only to be hurt all over again? I’ve gone back to an ex, but we haven’t broken up.

write a random lyric. “You can't feel the heat until you hold your hand over the flame, you have to cross the line just to remember where it lays / You won't know your worth now, son, until you take a hit, and you won't find the beat until you lose yourself in it.”

are you secretly fighting a battle with something/someone? Welp, the only thing I can think of rn is the heat, if it counts. It’s really humid and I can feel a headache coming through :/

how many times have you been in love? Continued the day after because a headache did end up happening and killed me. Just once.

are you the type of person who always needs to be in a relationship? I mean literally speaking, no; but to be honest, I’ve been linked to someone for quite a while now that if we were to break up, I’m sure I’ll struggle adapting to being single again. My relationship has been my safe space for when I rant or vent or cry for ~six years, so it’ll be hard to detach from that routine altogether.

are you generally a happy person or a depressed person? I’m a floating-through-the-wind person right now. I’m neither happy nor depressed.

do you think there is a fine line between love and hate? That depends for people but for me, I don’t. That’s my BPD speaking; at the same time, I’m also big on loyalty so if anyone does the slightest thing that betrays that loyalty, I won’t hesitate to cut them out of my life.

what is your biggest weakness? Food.

where is the person you love the most right now? She’s in her room, sleeping.

do you think you’re a strong or weak person? [trigger warning] I’m mostly strong. But when I get hit and turn weak, I turn really fucking weak, I guess. Like I’m usually not able to function or take care of myself, and sometimes I’ll do stupid impulsive things like going on a road rage, etc.

have you ever ridden on the back of a garbage truck? I have not. Garbage trucks here are not as sanitary and clean as the ones I see in more developed countries, so my elders would have whooped my ass if I ever tried to get on one of the trucks we have here.

how much have you changed in the past three months? From being a college student, I’ve turned unemployed :D :D Hahaha. I know I was freaking out about jobs last month, but over the last few weeks I’ve been nicer to myself and allowed myself time to relax and just lounge at home. Idk, looking at the bigger picture, I’ve been going to school for 18 years straight; and the expectation to job-hunt immediately after that is a little too demanding. I see that now. So now I’ll just allow myself to chill for the next few weeks and start applying when I’m ready, and once I’m sure I won’t get panic attacks.

which is better: a lie or the truth? Truth. Always the truth. No matter how ugly.

have you ever been miserable, yet happy at the same time? Yes, this is me every Christmas so it’s a familiar feeling. 

This is also a bit like me right now I guess. I’m graduating cum laude – which is great in itself – but my final general weighted average is just a few tiny decimal points from meeting the required grade for magna cum laude...I’m happy about my honors, but for the rest of my life, I’ll regret that I was just a few points away from being a step higher.

do you think everyone is beautiful? Sure.

do you believe that all members of the opposite sex are basically the same? No. Hate generalizing.

when was the last time you were let down? The other night when my record of grades was finally completed and I ultimately didn’t meet the cutoff for magna cum laude.

is there someone you just cannot stand to be around? Just certain people from school but you haven’t seen me bitch about this because I haven’t been in school for three months now anyway hahaha.

what is the best fingernail polish color? If I had to have my nails painted I’d just go with nude.

is music a daily part of your life? No. More like an every-other-day part, lol.

do you drink alcohol regularly? A few times a month but that’s it. I always do it socially; but because of the quarantine I’ve drunk a few bottles of soju for myself.

what is the nearest purple thing to you? An artwork that Nina made. It has a section that’s mostly purple.

how long does it take before you fall asleep at night? Depends how tired I am. I can fall asleep almost immediately but other times it can take me an hour or two.

#survey #surveys

[wormothy]

Here’s some ADHD and BPD moods (TW halfway down)

Not really sure how many of these are associated with the disorders but these are just some struggles of mine

(Boarderline not Bipolar)

There’s so much more but I feel like this post is too long already.

-needing to leave your room to do something but not wanting to leave your room until you finish everything you need to do in your room cos you know you’ll get distracted and never come back (I.E. I sleep with my dog and I need to let him out to pee in the morning but we have upstairs and downstairs. I need to shower and brush my teeth and get dressed and I know him peeing should take priority but I’m like. I’m never gonna shower and get in proper clothes if I leave my room rn, but this also Applies to when I study and I get hungry etc)

-talking too much

-cutting people off without meaning to in conversation

-not understanding social cues

-always worrying about other people’s feelings over my own protection

-words don’t make sense to me sometimes, I’m literally I’m a kinesthetic learner so I need to interact with things in order to actually learn it. Aka, I need to do the math problems in order to understand the formula I need to speak the words myself in order to absorb them

-lying impulsively in order to feel connected to people

-hungry but can’t find anything that sounds good except something you can’t have or is bad for you

-getting that one food your hyper focused on and ending up unsatisfied and not being able to eat

-going 10+ hours without eating “I feel weird. Huh.”

-going 10+ hours without using the bathroom “I’m. Uncomfortable?”

-covfee: makes you anxious AF but you also can’t function without it

-being really good at multitasking but also really bad at it. Aka needing the stimulation, enjoying the challenge of doing a ton of things but either never finishing them or screwing something up in the process

-I’m tired but I’m bored

-wanting to wake up early, successfully waking up early, spending 3 extra hours awake in your bed, getting out of bed the same time you always do. Dammit.

-having homework to do. Isn’t due for a week. Cool I have time. *now It’s due tomorrow* Alright. Really I’ll do it. After this round of games. *is too tired to do it* ill get up early and I’ll do it tomorrow. *morning of* finished project half assed in class 5 minutes before the due date. It’s always either A: I finish and the teacher doesn’t notice or B: I’m anxious because I didn’t finish and well I may as well drop out of class screw the refund screw the W my reputation is ruined.

-writing things down gives me anxiety, when I write to do lists and stuff it’s like they all become jumbled and nothing makes sense. The only way to organize my thoughts that doesn’t feel stressful is by having a bucket and foam cubes and fitting stuff inside the bucket. Don’t know why this is the only image for organizing and it won’t stop coming up. Idek if it’d actually work but my brain says I can’t be organized unless I do it that way.

-getting sudden bursts of inspiration and trying desperately to cram everything you can into those sudden bursts because they don’t last long

-overwhelming yourself because you have too many things to do

-becoming depressed because you suddenly realize you will never accomplish everything you want to

-suddenly realizing nothing is worth it because you won ever finish it and be satisfied

-having strong ideal and opinions and resolve and by the next day your ideals change and you can’t remember what it’s like to be the person from yesterday. Not disassociating but like, having the memories and the information of yesterday but not feeling connected to the ideals and not feeling the same way anymore

-insOmNia

-having unhealthy obsessions and feeling empty if I don’t indulge in them

-dysphoria: specifically gender dysphoria for me

-not having a solid personality, sometimes I’m an extrovert and don’t care what others think, sometimes I’m such an introvert I can’t stand social interactions and just need to be alone to heal

-thinking I have a solid sense of self and when my likes and dislikes suddenly change I go through an identity crisis. This happens at least twice a week.

-thinking I can cheer myself up by doing something that worked last time but since my personality is different I am no longer satisfied and I’m now frustrated because I can’t figure out how to make myself feel different

-uncontrollable emotions, why am I feeling this way why can’t I change it

-impulsivity: not even thinking about things before I do them, almost as if I didn’t know better but more like my body just isn’t trained think about the consequences before I do something, I just do it with uncontrollable ignorance

-having too many interests and not being able to give my all to one of them and feeling guilty that I can’t put my all into it and making myself so anxious I don’t want to do it anymore

-taking criticism too seriously because I think I’m super self aware and once someone hits it on the nail I’m mad that they called me out and I suddenly feel like everyone hates me because my weakness is showing

-Being self aware but telling myself that it’s enough to know what my problems are and deciding that I don’t need to work on them

-having a hard time planning things for the future

-getting frustrated because my brain works best last minute but last minute activities makes me anxious because I didn’t have time to mentally prepare myself for it. Aka I didn’t have time to think about how my social interactions would go so it’s like someone threw me in the deep end without telling me what water is.

-executive dysfunction: I want to do this but my body says no let’s do this useless activity for 45 hours straight

-replaying mistakes over and over until I hate myself for it

-messy rooms messy cars messy bathrooms: usually clean just, messy

-getting impulse piercings/hair cuts/hair dye

-buying clothes impulsively because I change my style so much and so often

-all or nothing mindset

-everything that’s out of sight is literally out of mind. I feel like I have to have everything within reach always.

-wasting time worrying about how it’s being spent

-being really sensitive to HOW people talk to me and HOW people interact physically, reading between lines that aren’t here, if someone asks me to do something in a weird tone I think about why they talked it me that way and sometimes decide I don’t want to do it just because the way they said it simply wasn’t how I would’ve appreciated.

-having an issue doing things someone else’s way, my way is the right way even though I know it usually isn’t

Trigger warning: self harm and anxiety

-social anxiety: Everyone is thinking bad thoughts about me and it’s my fault, I did something wrong

-social anxiety: if no one talks to me it means there’s something wrong with me que the crushing feeling against my lungs because I have no way to fix the situation

-feeling empty and wanting to lay down in the middle of traffic

-needing to feel something physical whether it be painful or not

-feeling like I need to hurt in order to start over IE cutting myself is like a fresh start

-getting so sensory overloaded that my brain shuts down and I can’t remember how to focus my eyes or move my legs (this has only happened twice, usually it’s less intense and more like I just can’t think of words, my processing shuts down)

-being so depressed you wish your bed could swallow you and you wish the world could just stop existing

#tw #aesthetic #depression #mood #grunge #love it #no filter #relatable #anxiety #boarderline #adhd #sensory overload #overstim #add #yikes #suicidal tw? #self harm tw #depression tw

[leluh]

do all the unusual asks!!

o h mhy god…. thank you but i had to bust out my laptop bc no way in hell am i gonna type that all out formatted nicely on my phone….

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

Spotify

is your room messy or clean?

Oh god it’s a fucking disaster

what color are your eyes?

i ask myself the same question often

do you like your name? why?

yeah! bc it has a lot of nickname options

what is your relationship status?

single

describe your personality in 3 words or less

emotional

gay

loud

what color hair do you have?

blue, red-purple, and an inbetween purple color in the middle.

what kind of car do you drive? color?

bold of you to assume i have a license or can afford a car

where do you shop?

bold of you to assume i have money to shop with

how would you describe your style?

Bad

favorite social media account

I use this one the most but i like the stickers on snapchat

what size bed do you have?

twin i think

any siblings?

Oh boy. oh howdy. im the oldest of five. i sure fucking do have siblings.

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

on top of a really big tree bc it’d be cool babey!

favorite snapchat filter?

none of them

favorite makeup brand(s)

i dont pay enough attention to give a shit. i do have & occasionally wear makeup, tho

how many times a week do you shower?

every other day

favorite tv show?

um! FMA:B

shoe size?

women’s 9, men’s 6 i think

how tall are you?

5′8″

sandals or sneakers?

sneakers

do you go to the gym?

haha no

describe your dream date

anything, as long as im spending quality time with the person/people

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

i have $5 in my jacket pocket I should put in my wallet, thanks for reminding me

what color socks are you wearing?

blue… orange….. white….

how many pillows do you sleep with?

3 rn. two for my head and one big one for my arms

do you have a job? what do you do?

ive never had a job

how many friends do you have?

a lot!!!! and i love them all and i hope they know this

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

don’t worry about it

whats your favorite candle scent?

vanilla….. also anything citrus

3 favorite boy names

3 favorite girl names

names dont have a gender also i dont have an opinion

favorite actor?

favorite actress?

no opinion

who is your celebrity crush?

they arent celebrities but i have a tiny “celeb crush” on everyone at Polygon

favorite movie?

anything studio ghibli does. Tales from Earthsea was good as fuck and underrated!

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

I dont read a lot but my favorite book is The Red Tent

money or brains?

paypal.me/leluh

do you have a nickname? what is it?

my baby siblings used to pronounce my family nickname “Lexi” as “Leluh” (hence the url) but i go by Lex

how many times have you been to the hospital?

i had to get rushed to the ER in an ambulance once bc I had a seizure in church. the stretchers are really comfortable, the glucose packet the paramedic gave me didn’t taste nearly as bad as he made it out to be, and IVs are the fucking worst

top 10 favorite songs

here’s my spotify playlist for this month

do you take any medications daily?

i’m supposed to take like, six vitamin pills for my POTs headaches but i uh. dont.

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

annoying

what is your biggest fear?

being replaced, easily forgettable, not meaning anything to anyone

how many kids do you want?

none right now but i like kids and i know how to handle a lot at once so it really depends on how my life goes in the future.

whats your go to hair style?

sideways

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

big enough for a family of eight

who is your role model?

who i want to be in the future

what was the last compliment you received?

some guy at the grocery store last night said he liked my hair

what was the last text you sent?

sent a photo to my mom

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

I don’t remember ever actually believing in santa

what is your dream car?

one that works

opinion on smoking?

mmmmmmmmmgross

do you go to college?

on the 27th

what is your dream job?

anything i enjoy that allows me a happy life. i’d love to work with plants, microbiology, astrobiology, or like…. bees

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

I don’t know! im pretty neutral

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

oh hell yeah

do you have freckles?

i have a permanent patch of freckles on the side of my left shoulder and occasionally i get a few freckles on my face in the summer

do you smile for pictures?

depends on the context

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

a lot

have you ever peed in the woods?

yeah, my family used to go camping a lot when i was little 

do you still watch cartoons?

yeah

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Wendy’s

Favorite dipping sauce?

honey mustard and ranch is a close second

what do you wear to bed?

T-shirt

have you ever won a spelling bee?

never been in one

what are your hobbies?

i can throw a flag pretty cool

can you draw?

eh

do you play an instrument?

absolutely not, but it’s very cool and i have major respect for musicians

what was the last concert you saw?

I saw Maggie Rogers in concert a while back

tea or coffee?

tea! coffee is nasty

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

neither

do you want to get married?

Depends, but im not against it at all

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

ahahahahahahaha um. i plead the fifth. also there’s two of them anyway

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

depends! also not against it

what color looks best on you?

dunno, but i wear a lot of denim and bright red

do you miss anyone right now?

hell yeah babey dont we all

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed dear god i have two cats and four siblings under the age of 10

do you believe in ghosts?

eh. not really. would looove to be proved wrong though

what is your biggest pet peeve?

problems that could have very easily been avoided with communication

last person you called?

my voicemail lmao

favorite ice cream flavor?

Vanilla………….

regular oreos or golden oreos?

regular!

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

rainbow cause im gay but otherwise i dont rlly like sprinkles

what shirt are you wearing?

pajama t-shirt. it’s from ACYC

what is your phone background?

my lockscreen is coke zero and my homescreen is a mother mother quote

are you outgoing or shy?

I try to be sorta outgoing but dear god do i get anxious easily

do you like it when people play with your hair?

not really…. leave it be :/

do you like your neighbors?

I don’t know them at all

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

whenever i feel like it

have you ever been high?

nope

have you ever been drunk?

nah

last thing you ate?

some knockoff Doritos 

favorite lyrics right now

all of Infinitesimal by Mother Mother

summer or winter?

I hate being too hot but i do love alaska summers

day or night?

night…. love that second wind and sudden impulsive urges 

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

white chocolate. i have a strong sweet tooth

favorite month?

no opinion

what is your zodiac sign

leluh.tumblr.com/zodiac

who was the last person you cried in front of?

Everyone in Drama during senior night lmao. last time i cried alone however??? yesterday afternoon sjkdfhaksjfh

#long post // #stimmystimmykokobop #ask

[rewritingthestars]

im apparently on a writing binge rn so hey! Guess who finally finished the first chapter of my gang au fic? 

Natalie Sheilds first met Nathaniel Wesninski with five inches of his knife in her gut and spatters of his blood on her face.

He was dangerous. He was stupid. He was reckless. When she stabbed him in the shoulder he laughed, and laughed some more, twisted the knife in her stomach and offered her a job.

She should have said no, but Natalie is not above death and too smart to think she had a choice in the matter. She said yes, with regret, with resignation, like she has always done and what appears to always do.

Regret. Her defining trait. She regrets saying yes, she regrets joining the mob, she regrets ever meeting Nathaniel Wesninski, until she doesn’t, until she sees him, badly stitched and bruised, covered in scars giving to him by those that call themselves allies, those that call him son. He takes a beating for her, and another, and another, until she’s holding him in shaking arms, his blood a familiar sick texture under her fingertips after months of him sacrificing himself for her, asking him why he saved her, why he keeps doing so.

He used to laugh, when she asked that, laugh and laugh, each sound hollow and past shattered. Now he doesn’t say anything, leaves her in confusion and anger and frustration. He’s fractured lines, broken bones, a tainted soul and a tattered mind. He stabs Jackson in the dick, shoots Carson in the thigh, takes slashings from Lola with a grin. He doesn’t lend her kind words, doesn’t comfort her when he’s stitching up her sides, yet there’s a kindness inside him that makes Natalie want to make him bleed, wants to break him so he reflects her cracked edges. She doesn’t do either, just steams in her fury, counting out each debt she owes him and takes her frustrations out on her jobs, on her kills, nothing swaying the bitterness in her heart.

One day it comes to a point and Natalie slits Martin’s throat, ripping his ring of and throwing the bloody thing at Nathaniel’s head later that night.

“I can take care of myself,” She said coldly, and for a moment he looked surprised, before he grinned.

“Took you long enough,” He said back, ring held between his fingers like a victory, and Natalie feels the coils of anger seep into her being. She grins back.

-----

Still, regret finds a way to creep into her being, and this time it’s name is Aaron Minyard.

-----

Nathaniel is pissed, which isn’t unusual but rare to see on his face. Natalie is more used to his passive violence, hidden under years of bloodshed, but Minyard seems to know all the right buttons to make Nathaniel come unhinged.

“Do not think I will not hurt you.” Nathaniel says, fingers twisting around a pen, and Natalie knows him well enough to figure out when he’s going to do something impulsive and sighs. She doesn’t even know what they’re arguing about this week, though it probably has something to do with Aaron’s addiction and Nathaniel’s distrust for users. Ever since Natalie brought Aaron to the team Nathaniel has been vocal of his dislike, fueling Aaron’s own anger and causing a mess that Natalie will soon have to clean up if she’s not careful.

"Lay off, Wesninski," Natalie gently scolds, sharpening her knives. "Aaron's a new recruit, he's still learning."

Nathaniel scoffs, "What he is is a useless junkie who's going to get us both killed. He doesn't even know how to hold a fucking gun!"

"I don't know how to use a gun either, and I do just fine." Natalie points out.

Nathaniel rolls his eyes, "Fine. A useless junkie that doesn't know how to hold a fucking gun, or a fucking knife."

"Hey, just because I'm not the son of the great Nathan Wesninski doesn't mean I'm useless. I can fight fine without a weapon, you asshole."Aaron barks out.

Nathaniel’s icy eyes turn to Aaron, sharp and calculating and dangerous and only Aaron's pride stops him from flinching back.

"It would be in your best interest to keep my father's name out of your mouth." He says coldly.

Aaron sneers, "What, did I strike a nerve? Miss your daddy Wesninski-"

"Aaron, shut up." Natalie says harshly, finally looking up from her work to glare daggers into Aaron that has him recoiling back, "Don't forget where you are. I can only stop Nate from stabbing you for so long, and if you continue that sentence I'm afraid I will be the one teaching you a lesson."

Aaron nods mutely, and Natalie sighs. "Nate wasn't threatening you either-"

"I was. I definitely was." Nathaniel cuts in.

"-He wasn't only threatening you. It was also a warning. You can't just say names like that and not get noticed, and Aaron, the Butcher is not an enemy you want to make. Learn to keep your head down or don't be surprised when someone cuts it off." Natalie scolds, before holding up her knife to inspect its sharpness. "Now can you two manage not to kill each other for another few hours, or should I do the next job solo?"

Nathaniel scoffs. "Minyard wouldn't last a minute against me."

Aaron stands up from the battered sofa, clenching his fists in anger. "You fucking-"

"For fucks sake." Natalie says while rubbing her temple. "Nate, get out of here and go start the car, and stock it up with weapons while your at it, won't you?"

Nathaniel frowns. "But-"

"Nate." Natalie says tensely. "I wasn't asking."

Nathaniel works his jaw as if he wants to say more, before letting out a sigh and walking out the door he came from.

"What the fuck is his damage?" Aaron says once he knows Nathaniel’s gone.

Natalie sighs, but smiles, setting down her knife to walk over to Aaron and put her hands on his shoulders. "You need to understand something. I feel like I haven't been clear enough with you, and for that I apologize, but Aaron." Her fingers bite deep, Aaron tries to move away but Natalie’s grip only tightens further. "Do not mistake my mentoring for kindness. I'm the one who brought you in, who vouched for you. If you continue to fuck up and test not only mine but our bosses patience, we will both suffer the consequences. You need to shape up and start doing your part right or it won't be the Butcher that cuts you to pieces. It will be me." Aaron stills, paralyzed by Natalie’s dark eyes and the intense wave of fear her words bring on. "Do you understand?"

“Y- Yes.” He says quietly, looking to the ground in hopes of escaping her.

Natalie silently enjoys his fear before smiling. “Good. Go to the car, I’ll be there in ten.”

Aaron doesn’t seem to know how to react and nods, moving to the door.

“Don’t forget what I said, Aaron.” Natalie says, loud enough for him to hear, and he stops dead in his tracts, nods slowly, and briskly leaves the room.

Natalie drops the smile and picks up her knives, securing them to her person, giving the room a final glance over before leaving, shutting the door behind herself.

----

“Is this going to be a problem?” Natalie says, voice dissociated from her being her eyes displaced of feeling.

Nathaniel doesn’t move from his spot on the bed, not a muscle. Blood clots the insides of his thighs and his wrists are ringed with bruises and broken skin.

“I’m handling it.” Nathaniel rasps out, voice hard and gritted.

Natalie clenches hands. Unclenches them. Digs her fingernails into her palms.

“Nathaniel-” Her voice betrays her, broken and quiet, barely a whisper.

“Don’t.” He says sternly, but his face is still buried in sheets.

Natalie breathes, quick and out, before steeling herself and grabbing the first aid kit in his bathroom.

She stitches up what she can and Nathaniel stays rigid, unmoving besides the occasional twitch. As she slides the needle upward again she says in the most neutral way possible, “If you do not put a knife through his heart then I will.”

“I don’t need your protection Shields.” He spats, and Natalie ignores the sick feeling in her guts and rolls her eyes.

“Don’t think of it as protection, then. Consider it a debt paid.”

He’s silent for a moment before the tension is suddenly gone in his body, leaving something softer, something vulnerable. In the quiet of the night he whispers, “He’s my father’s. I can not disobey.”

Natalie sucks in a breath, temporarily through off by the honesty. “I can-”

“No.” Nathaniel says harshly, finally looking up from the sheets, his face bloodless and pale but determined and fierce all the same. “He would tear you to pieces. Keep your mouth shut and your blades sheathed.”

Natalie pauses, lips tightly together, fire burning in her heart.

“You’re the only one I trust.” Nathaniel says, and Natalie, for the maybe first time in her life, feels an intense desire to protect.

-----

#tfc #nathaniel wesninski #natalie shields #aaron minyard #gang au #implied abuse #implied rape #murder #graphic violence #protective renee #my fic #my writing #Andreil #whoops this is dark