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sadaveniren · 1 year

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Hi! Why do you think BG is still going? I see a lot of people saying that it is an alternative to Louis having to have a beard but in my opinion it's much worse to use a child who has no say in the matter and will probably grow up damaged than a beard who has signed up for the job and is getting paid well. A child is not needed to maintain a closet. So with that in mind, why do you think Louis is stuck with Freddie?

Okay you are like the fourth or fifth anon who has insisted that a child is not a way to maintain a closet and while I... guess I get where you are coming from I feel like everyone asking this seems to be forgetting that this isn't just... a decision Louis made in 2022.

Here lemme just include a portion of this ask and then I'll ramble behind a cut

That anon is 100% right btw. This decision was made in 2015 (tbh I think it was probably made in late 2014 but that's a whole separate talk) by music execs who wanted something flash in the pan for their boyband that was about to lose one of their most well known members (Zayn - and no this isn't blaming Zayn for BG I am lying the guilt very FIRMLY on the feet of Sony/Syco/Modest/Simon for this one). What happened after has just been... a shit show.

I don't think Louis knew there was going to be an actual fucking baby involved until October when Belfast happened and when the baby was born I don't think anyone knew how long this was supposed to last. They took almost two weeks to file the birth certificate. I think they were trying to figure out something else to go forward with it, and they were trying to muddle all of what was coming out so fandom didn't know top from bottom.

They ultimately decided to file the birth certificate and go the paternity route and everything was then meant to lead up to a paternity test denial. And then Jay got diagnosed with cancer in March 2016 and everything went off the rails.

I think decisions were made back in 2016 because of that so Louis could have the privacy he wanted for his mother and BG was put on the back burner of his mind. I think Louis did two years of hard pap work for BG before he decided "okay I'll move back to London and let this baby thing die off, I'll focus on making music I want to make and I'll figure it all out later." He did Xfactor like Simon wanted in 2018, he avoided LA like a plague, and he tried to get Walls made.

I think he might have felt he found a good balance ignoring everything by 2020 and not mentioning it and then Briana had to go and get fucking sued because she scammed some dude for fake boobs. I'm not expecting anyone to remember this but I went on a VERY LONG RANT about how dangerous of a position that put Louis and his business companies in because it involved taxes and the IRS. I would not be surprised that that moment basically made Louis go "okay well I can't just let things lie because then I'll have a bigger mess on my hand and stuff will creep up that I can't control that involves my closet" and so he has taken back over the stunt so he can have control over his closet.

Here's basically where I'm at and you can agree or disagree but this is what it is: Louis ending BG without coming out would be very difficult. Someone asked me "what do you mean babies are part of the closet" and it's kinda like... a baby is like the ultimate proof to the heterosexual world that you are heterosexual. You have had verifiable sex with the opposite sex. The nuance of how that all happens is lost in part of the bigger heterosexual picture. If you remove the baby from the equation you are now left with "Turns out Louis Tomlinson isn't the dad of the baby his fans never thought was his because they think he's gay and in a relationship with Harry Styles." And the fact that they have let it go on longer and longer just makes the fact you can't end it without forcing him out of the closet very difficult.

Especially if they don't have another section of the closet to fill that piece. AKA... he gets engaged or married to his long term girlfriend. Because what most people try to accomplish with their closets is that people don't go snooping around it. And losing BG would cause people to do that with Louis. "oh that baby was fake what about your relationship? oh you and this girlfriend have been together for how long and you guys never post anything normal or have gotten married/engaged? huh... weird"

And if he is trying to remove having a public girlfriend from his public persona, which I think he is, the only piece of the closet he has left is BG. Because if he removes BG he has to do SOMETHING to re-enforce the heterosexuality. He'd need to up the girlfriend side of things. He might need to get "engaged" so that way people don't go poking around at his closet.

TL;DR: BG is being used because it has been here. They missed the boat of ending the stunt at a time where it wouldn't have immediately outted Louis and now they have to use BG as part of his closet until Louis is able to come out. Which is his right to choose when he wants to come out. Does it suck for the kid? Verdicts out tbh but I'm not someone who thinks the kid really knows what's going on at this point outside of "oh hey I know this famous dude and go to Christmas with these people who are nice to me" and I also think when he's not with Louis - which is a lot - he's probably living his little six year old life with his mom and dad.

#for the record i would love to be wrong about bg and louis' closet #but i've thought about it a lot and spoken with a lot of people who have been here for awhile #and ultimately it's like ... no those things are pretty much tied

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loquaciouscat · 1 year

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Who wants to listen me as i write a. Whole essay on Shigeo's mental journey and how it can be parallels with DID by someone with diagnosed DID!!!!!!!!! 😋

(pls ignore all the grammatical mistakes, im too lazy to correct all rn maybe later)

CW: trauma, bullying, dissociation, derealization, discussion of neurodivergent struggles. Please be aware it might be upsetting to some before reading 🙏

Neurodiversity changes how you process trauma. Keep this in mind!! I can point out so many moments where Shigeo is nd-coded, especially autism. We can see people calling him "hard-hearted", "numb" and "incapable of showing emotions". He lacks showing his emotions with facial expressions. You can see how much it upsets him when people assume he doesn't feel anything, getting heard "Get a clue." etc. (Keep this in mind, %??? is quite expressive)

Quoting from @lost-caticorn 's wonderful post that explains more about Shigeo's possible autism (I'll be linking below)

"In the anime this line is translated by “get a clue” but it doesn’t really match the Japanese words used here “空気を読む” which means “read the situation/sense the mood”. Also I think it’s worth mentioning that in episode 4 he literally names it the “reading-in-the-mood technique” (空気を読む技術). This just illustrates how non-natural this is to him."

Autism joy is something many neurotypicals cannot grasp nor understand. We see Shigeo was not scared of showing these, sharing his ability, talking about it constantly (this can be interpreted as special interests within daily life). He was not afraid of himself, nor minded his difference than others. You'll understand in a second but I believe these were the times Mob and %??? Had a peaceful connection with each other. Like I mentioned a second ago, %??? is a lot more expressive, powerful and stronger part of the mind. I can see myself associating this with autistic joy! Even they are on opposite sides as a character, both Mob and %??? Had moments for themselves to share their joy and happiness.

Then the snapping point of Shigeo, first time ever. %??? Causes harm, which makes Mob scared (like a meltdown!)

This is the point I'll start rambling about DID.

DID, dissociative identity disorder, is caused by repeated childhood trauma. Basically, in a normal setting, you have one prime identity, it can be followed by "sportive" you, "parent" you, "friendly" you etc.

For DID, brain puts amnesia barriers between those parts, which is followed by dissociation and derealization. These "parts", which are called alters, develop their own identities, completely seperate from each other. Alters usually have so little to none connection with each other. They all have their own "jobs" in brain, making sure the child doesn't get affected by the trauma. Some keeps the trauma away "memory holders", some are more agressive and try to protect the kid from outside abuse "protectors" etc. So many roles, I cannot explain all here!

WHAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE ABOUT THE MANGA COMES FROM THIS!!!! %??? and Mob are the same person, yet so disconnected. Mob associates %??? as an evil, wishing it never existed. Yet we see %??? Taking control whenever there is an extremely stressful/dangerous situation, protecting Mob.

But on the final arc, we see %???'s frustration towards Mob, angry about how he is so repressed, while also explaining he doesn't approve the way Mob chooses to live.

"You always do that, convincing yourself that you understood. And it always out me at advantage."

As much as Mob doesn't like it, %??? is still a huge part of the mind. We all know how we saw Mob doing nothing but hating %??? Because he is "evil, bad, trying to hurt others". Yet all %??? Did was to try to protect Mob.

%??? insists on how he is himself even without power, showing how helpless he felt while holding all the repressed feelings the mind had, getting used as a weapon and Mob using him to "for the sake of others". Mob never truly acknowledged %???, Yet he accepted his help all the time while hating %???.

We see %??? Trying to remove Mob's existance from mind space. Although, can he really do that? I would say no, not really. They are both a part of something bigger, the mind and the body. Mob tried to remove the existance of %??? From the mind, miserably failed.

%??? Tries to do the same thing to Mob. Understandably Mob is terrified, just screaming and crying out of terror. Actually they just switched places, and %??? Was treating Mob how he treated him for so many years. Nothing changed except %??? Got to be in charge after many years.

At the moment Ritsu got hurt, the peaceful connection between other two was gone. This made them get seperated, aware and unaware of each other at the same time.

This is why I believe how there are parallels with DID, especially on the final arc. %??? had the role of a protector alter. Mob doesn't have any memory of the times %??? front (taking control). They are all blurry memories, you can see Mob is confused whenever he gains fully control of the mind and body, not knowing where he is or what he is doing. I also absolutely love how Ritsu getting hurt as a kid is not shown us to completely, because Shigeo doesn't know either. I believe %??? Has those memories locked away, yet still got evilized by Mob for years.

At the end, they both accept each other, making peace between each other. Honestly, what you might see as those kind of "fighting for gaining control of mind" happens a lot to people with DID. Alters might believe they are the most suitable to protect and control the body and mind the best way, causing a chaos in mind space.

I really do see parallels of DID especially on final arc! I don't know if I would headcanon Shigeo as a DID system, but I just really appreciate some representation for dissociation and memory issues 💕 it's a lot more than a losing control situation. I am neurodivergent and with undiagnosed autism, and I see a lot of myself in Shigeo.

Super long post i know but I really wanted to talk about it! Rambling over

Ps: Please also read this, it's amazing 🙏 I strongly believe Mob is an accurately autistic coded character. We need many others like him in mainstream media 💕

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #loquacious cat rambles #long post #mp spoilers #mp100 manga spoilers #mob shigeo #mob psycho shigeo #mob psycho 100 spoilers #mob pyscho 100 #mp100 analysis #kageyama shigeo #mp100 shigeo #mob psycho spoilers #mp100 spoilers #dissociative identity disorder

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phoenixyfriend · 3 years

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Thoughts on “Auntie Soka and Little Leia” now that I’ve actually got it posted:

Call it a director’s cut! The process of actually writing the thing, and also jokes made along the way. Link to the actual fic.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy for image descriptions, even the text screenshots. Might come back that later. Most of this was DMs with @atagotiak.

This was an entire thing before I even started writing:

Before I decided on ages and stuff Ahsoka, to Jango, who has had zero contact with Kaminoans: Okay I know I'm a Jedi kid so you hate me but this toddler is your clone from the future. Jango, tired: What the FUCK are you talking about. Rex, barely able to talk: Don't you dare leave me with him, Commander! Ahsoka: I'm not going to leave you I just--I'm so tired I'm so fucking tired I haven't slept in five days and someone tried to kidnap Leia two days ago I am so fucking tired I need help

Ben: [twenty years of depression followed by a 'now I'm safe' breakdown over the course of weeks] Sokari: [whatever the FUCK this mess is]

When Ahsoka mentions there only being three other Jedi at the time of her death, I was thinking Kanan, Yoda, and Obi-Wan (Leia told her about the latter two living past her). She's not counting anyone that received training after the Temple fell, and she didn’t know about Cal.

When Leia says “I was adopted and raised by one of the founders of the rebellion, a movement built on the desire to instate freedom and democracy in a galaxy that had lost even the pretense.”

Depa: I'm no therapist but I diagnose you with "incredibly fucked up." Ahsoka: yeah, that’s fair

"Why did you pick Depa for--" She's pretty and I'm gay. Also because of the Kanan thing But mostly I'm gay "It's not a visual medi--" GAY

Empty of context beyond general post-fic AU: "Hey Sokari, we need to engage in psychological warfare against this individual and--" "I'm going to break into his office and leave a threatening note on his desk and leave no other sign that I was there. He'll see that his security is nothing and the only reason he isn't dead is because I'm too nice to kill him." "...okay, not what we were planning, but that works. Why is that your first choice?" "I really like breaking and entering, it's soothing." Ben just standing there with a bland smile like This Is Normal.

"We need someone to infiltrate a highly guarded facility in hostile territory." "So we're sending the Torrent kids?" [sigh] "We're sending the Torrent kids."

Rex and Sokari insist on both going by "Torrent" even though Rex could be a Fett. Jango really wants him to be a Fett. Rex has too many grudges to agree to being a Fett for... a while.

I really hope it's blatantly obvious that Ahsoka's not a reliable narrator for some things Ahsoka: Fett could care less if I died Jango: jfc even if you are older than me I can see you're fucked up. Drink your hot chocolate. Hells. She's got good reason to expect him to hate her as a Jedi! BUT. THAT IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF REALITY

We don’t get a lot of actual characterization for Jango, but the way I played him out here is he has never really parsed that Jedi are people before all this. It's a lot harder to treat them as a monolith when the traumatized former child soldier is having regular breakdowns in your shitty little kitchen

Fett: I respect you Ahsoka: No, don't do that

Ahsoka’s vigilantism is something that, in my mind, she's associating heavily with Zygerria and then the clones.

I figured that she never bothered to learn Quinlan’s teacher’s name but in the process of looking up some basic facts (whether he had a surname), I found that Wookiepedia was forced to give us a VERY wide range of possible death in Legends.

Please take a moment to imagine Quinlan's FACE when Ahsoka initially dismisses him. Quinlan has put a lot of effort into being rogueishly charming! It's very useful for his line of work! He knows to expect either irritation or a return flirtation when he acts like this with people his own age! Ahsoka is not flustered OR rolling her eyes and insulting him, she's just ignoring him and it's a bit of a blow to the ego

This just makes me really happy:

This was the initial comment I made, as a joke What if Maul is just. There. On one of the planets they make a pitstop at. What if Maul exists as the walking problem he is, but fifteen, and Ahsoka immediately tries to kick his ass and drag him back to Coruscant. I do not have room for this plot but What If

Despite not having room for this plot, I proceeded to write this plot.

Maul is kidnapped and it’s the best thing that ever happened to him HE'S FIFTEEN HE'S DUMB AS SHIT AND HAS A BAD ATTITUDE AND YEAH HE'S A DARKSIDER BUT HE'S FIFTEEN

Ahsoka: I sense... Maul [takes off sprinting] Rex: [immediately takes Jango's blaster and runs after her] Jango: Wait who Tholme: Who Quinlan: Who Jango: [looks at Leia] Leia: I don't know who that is either! Ahsoka, already wrestling a teenager to the ground: Oh no, you're a child, REX STUN HIM AND GRAB THE CUFFS, I'M SURE FETT OR THOLME HAS SOME

Fighting him isn't even legal, they have NO evidence of criminal wrongdoing, so first she needs to yell until he admits to something she can fight him about

Ahsoka: When I see Maul, it's on SIGHT Maul: WHO ARE YOU

Ahsoka: The Force didn't give me hands just to NOT throw them when I run into That Crafty Son Of A Bitch

Ben, when they arrive, after the tearful reunion: You... you brought Maul. Ahsoka: Well, yeah, he's fifteen and kinda dumb. I figured we could drag him here and force him into therapy, see what happens. Ben: I can't quite tell through the gag, but I think he's threatening to feed you your own spleen. Ahsoka: Lol, yeah.

Ben is absolutely on team "get Maul therapy" and will fight the Council on rehabilitating the baby Sith But also it's like. Here's your daughter! And your niece! And your daughter's QPP! Also your best friend, but baby, and his teacher, and the biological origin of a number of people you cared for deeply! AND ALSO THE GUY WHO SPENT LITERAL DECADES CRAVING YOUR DEATH, FOR SOME REASON

I just really want Ahsoka lovingly bullying Maul She gives him noogies and the horns don't protect him because girl has reinforced gloves

Maul's only allowed a low-power training saber and his fights with Sokari involve Much Taunting by her and Eventual Screaming by him, and everyone pops by to see: 1. Sokari doing the most absurd flips, for fun. 2. The bullshit that is ataru-shien reverse-grip jar'kai in the hands of someone who makes it work 3. What a Sith lightsaber form looks like 4. Just the general nonsense that is the way these two fight

Tia said “Wrt ridiculous flips. I'm remembering that time she beheaded four Kryst'ad at once.” and I just Rex brings up the quadruple beheading at one point to get someone to stop asking questions and the awkward, horrified silence almost makes him regret it. And then Sokari just snorts and makes a joke about how Rex once speared a slaver point-blank and everyone's just like hello??? "are you two okay" "no"

Maul absolutely starts crushing on Sokari after a 'sword under chin' moment and she's just very "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you're fifteen, bye" GO MAKE PUPPY EYES AT OBI-WAN OR SOMETHING

The crushes are the worst part of everything, really, she's an attractive young woman that can kick a lot of ass, and a lot of people are into that! Unfortunately, most of those people are a decade younger than she is, mentally, because all the people her actual age look at her and see a child on account of the 17yo body.

It’s almost a good thing she’s in no place mentally for a relationship.

I just want Ahsoka to wear beskar.... I think that would be Nice........

This AU is also what caused this post.

I'm deeply enamored by the idea that Ahsoka can win fights against "older" padawans pretty much unilaterally, even when they team up 2v1 And then she offers to fight 5v1 "But only if I have permission to fight dirty." Ben approves it, a horror show full of "I fought many wars and will scream in your face or kick you in the balls if that's what it takes" follows She wins. There are no permanent injuries, but her reputation certainly gets weirder. Nobody under the rank of Knight agrees to let her fight dirty again. She just lets that stand because, well, she's not actually a padawan, she's thirty-three.

I’m not going to write this but my brain was EVIL and suggested it:

IT WOULD BE REALLY SAD IDK maybe 9yo Anakin has nightmares about what's happening to baby Ahsoka because bullshit about time-traveling force bonds IDK ANYWAY he cries to Sokari about the nightmares and she's like "oh shit" and it's time to go rescue herself from motherfucker unlimited

It's either that or she's like, expecting to welcome mini-me aaaany day now, for like, several months, before she realizes Something Went Wrong. Anakin’s dreams could even start right as she’s starting to realize something’s off.

Obi-Wan has never had a padawan that doesn't at some point bite Even Luke will, when pushed

OH also once the twins get Baby's First Lightsaber (training sabers, not real kyber), Sokari begs to borrow them for a dumb joke and tells Rex to get on her shoulders for a "Grievous Greeting" and they do The Thing

Jango and Ahsoka wrt Quinlan is just “Do I need to beat him up for you” “You realize I’ve beaten up sith lords before?”

JANGO'S TRYING He's just. "Can we be friends? Can I--can I be the guy that just noticeably gets in the way of a creep on the subway so you can be more comfortable without someone making a scene? I'm fucking trying here, give me a hint."

We didn’t actually figure out Jango’s age until this point. The only reason Fett's age matters is for Quinlan making a Wild Oats quip after Jango says he didn't know about Rex until a few weeks ago, and Fett going "How old do you think I am? And how old do you think the kid is?" and Quinlan getting Very Awkward as he does the math. Rex overhears and lets Quinlan sweat for a bit before saying "I'm a genetically-modified clone someone grew in a tube, he didn't know or have reason to know until he saw me with Sokari." Which is like. Eight additional layers of WTF, obviously, but at least Jango gets to avoid awkward wild oats jokes

Like, you’d expect the rebuttal to be ‘he’s my brother just with a biiig age gap’ or ‘he’s my nephew’

I find it very unfortunate for Quinlan that I've decided his defining characteristic in this context is going to be repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth

He’s trying so hard but "That sounds like a cool thing, maybe I'll ask ab--and it's another fucking trauma."

I'm doing Ahsoka&Jango t w i c e (there’s another fic where I’m doing it)

It’s just a fun dynamic! So much resentful respect.

Like she's twenty seconds away from calling him a bitch at any given time and he's just there like "I don't like you but I do see you move like you're about to tell an entire building to get on their knees with their hands in the air and I can respect that" Also she's probably much less judgmental about using blasters than Obi-Wan is The Maul subplot actually started with me daydreaming about Ahsoka grabbing a blaster for Reasons

I like the idea of Jango just deciding the most Useful thing he can do is help teach the Smol how to fight. He's AWKWARD around Rex and Soka because he doesn't know if there's anything he CAN teach them.

I didn’t actually plan for Tholme to figure out the age thing, he just SAID it and I had to sit there like Wait.

Ahsoka, Rex & Leia: ahhh, children Tholme: you say that like you aren’t children

I liked getting to write Rex's little "I have worked with all of them, and they're all Terrible" He loves them But They once got stranded on a planet that didn’t exist and Ahsoka died and Anakin killed a god.

There was research and discussion as to whether Ahsoka could win against Tholme but seeing as she held her own against Vader, and fought Grievous at that physical age without dying, etc.... yeah, the only thing holding her back was her body not being what she was used to, and she’s had a few weeks go adjust.

“I miss being able to just jump off skyscrapers” is such a jedi thing

Jango: I'll take the gun back if he tries to leave, they can't get far before--WHAT THE FUCK He knows Jedi are scary but he’s still not really used to just how over the top ridiculous they are He knows how to deal with Jedi in battle, not Whatever The Fuck These People Are Doing

Rex isn't even a Jedi, he's just so used to working with them. “Oh yes time for free-falling without a parachute again, same shit as always.”

Tia: I’m imagining Jango freaking out and Quinlan and Tholme being like. Concerned but mostly exasperated Clearly if they’re jumping off buildings it must be serious? But jfc they could’ve maybe communicated a bit more?

Leia: I want to finish my juice Tholme: Quin, stay with her while we go figure out what those two are doing. Quinlan: Wait what

Jango: Oh now he’s jumping off a building too??? Tholme: Sokari, you are not registered! You can't legally jump out windows yet! Jango: What the hell is going on? Is this normal?

We don’t necessarily know how often Ahsoka and Maul ran into each other after Mandalore. There was the later thing on Malachor, but other than that I'm just going with the idea that they ran into each other every year or two and just went for the eyes like feral cats

Ahsoka: I need to kick ass and you're coming with me. Rex: Yeah, okay. [several minutes later] Rex: Whose ass are we kicking?

Ahsoka and Rex

Neloms aren’t a SW fruit to the best of my knowledge, I just wanted to mess around with lemons/melons

Jango: you didn’t think any of this through, did you? Rex: you were there, you know we didn’t "When the Jedi says to jump out a window, I jump out a window."

Tholme’s real composed about stalking the ancient nigh-mythical enemy of his people, very “Life is already so goddamn weird”

This fic has been so heavy on the trauma but then I introduce Maul and suddenly it's the worst kind of comedy Nobody is competent, everyone's a little dumb, the bad guy is just grocery shopping

My propensity for banter has turned this into a six-person buddy cop comedy about Maul buying grapes They spend a significant amount to time ineffectually stalking Maul before Quin suggests the sensible option Quinlan just "You remember this is my literal job and specialty right"

Ahsoka sees Maul and all her brain cells go out the window except "Fight good" Usually she doesn’t need to worry about doing things legally. Maybe she needs to worry about someone seeing her do illegal things but she spent the past 15 yrs in a place where her existing was illegal

I feel like he’s also maybe kinda wanting to reassert that yes he is competent. Bc like. Ahsoka’s been kinda condescending this whole time and also can beat everyone up so. It's not his fault that he's actually the youngest person there, but.

Jango is finding this whole being friendly to Jedi thing a lot more overwhelming than he thought it would be. And overwhelming in different ways.

Maul usually signifies things getting worse and more horrifyingly tragic but he's just a dumb teen that they needed to arrest for his own good.

Quinlan: Look, I'm useful! Ahsoka: I've been through hell, wanna hear? Quinlan: NO. I DON'T. WHY.

Quinlan: I understand the concept of joking about your traumas, I do it sometimes myself! But sith hells that’s a lot of trauma.

Quinlan just wanted her to treat him as a Competent Individual, and here she is whipping out stories about Dying and Gods and the Force insists it's the truth and he just???? And apparently emo darksider over there is a Sith. And just, sure. Why not

A lot of people’s interactions with the time travelling disaster lineage is just

Tholme and Fett arguing and Ahsoka's just waiting for a moment to pop in with "Hey, when's the last time either of you worked with the other's culture before this mess? Yeah, that's what I thought."

Much like Leia and Ahsoka hurting each other earlier, and Tholme figuring out the de-aging, we ALSO have Fett’s confrontation with Ahsoka being something the characters just did, rather than something I planned.

FTR the only time I managed to trigger myself while writing this fic was the “your behavior isn’t actually acceptable and we’ve all been trying really hard to give you room to recover but you have to at least make an effort to not be a bitch”

Writing about people having PTSD and symptoms of such: Yay! Writing about people having PTSD and engaging in toxic behavior to cope: Shit Ahsoka had... basically my exact reaction. It's "remind yourself that you're in the wrong, that they have a point, and then be overly formal in the apology because fuck if you accidentally make them feel sorry for you when they're the injured party"

Quinlan: Can we be friends? I mean, you're an asshole, but you're really cool. Let's be friends. (He MIGHT be nursing a crush) (Neat mysterious girl who can beat him up.)

Also he realises she's probably nicer when not having a slow-motion breakdown He's like "Huh, you'll probably be less of an asshole once you've gotten therapy."

...also, she pretty and got Nice Biceps

I love writing a good mental breakdown

I was so close to including a "he tried to kill me" just early enough for Jango to wildly misinterpret as her thinking Quinlan tried to kill her. He'd have been very confused, considering Quinlan's the one that called them down in a panic and currently has Ahsoka having her massive breakdown in his lap But

Tia: I could see Jango interpreting it as idk, Quin resembling someone or for a moment acting like someone who tried to kill her and she had a flashback or something like that

There's absolutely room for a couple reasonable interpretations there And "trapped in a flashback about someone who tried to kill her" is absolutely what's happening! Just. You know. For a different reason. Jango probably wouldn’t assume Quin would hurt her, for one thing he seems to like her, for another even if he did he’s smart enough to pick a way that wouldn’t be so likely to get him caught

I had to step back and actually say “Also I'm just. Wow. I'm really just shoveling QPP Rex&Ahsoka at full speed”

Me, a few weeks ago, joking: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist Me, now, entirely seriously: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist

Me, belatedly: Oh, Ahsoka being joyfully mean to people was a form of mania she was unconsciously using to build a barrier between herself and her impending meltdown

She went from "just died" to "in charge of Rex and Leia" in like. Two minutes.

Confession: I've been delighting in the mental image of this whole Mess leading Jango to try to retake Mandalore, and Ahsoka loans him a saber for a 1v1 to get the darksaber.

“Can’t I just fight him barehanded? That’s how I did it on Galidraan.” "But the drama, Fett!"

Probably Rex has learned how to use a saber as well, because you never know when you have to borrow a weapon

I later changed my mind to Jango asking her to help, rather than her just sneak-teaching him, but it was funny.

Background nonsense to all this is Ahsoka and Rex, despite Rex being as force-sensitive as a lump of coal, having developed a process where she can extend her sensitivity to him mind-to-mind for weird symbiotic battle trance that scares everyone around them. It’s very similar to Battle meditation.

CONTEXT FOR LEIA BEING WORRIED ABOUT THOLME HIDING THINGS: Tholme is hiding the fact that the Council reached out and told him that the people he picked up might be connected to Ben and Luke, who showed up after the Depa thing but a solid week and change before Jango's ship makes it to the Temple. They asked that he not share that information to avoid getting anyone's hopes up in case the two situations aren't related. Ben and Luke haven't shared enough information for anyone to really be sure if the other three are connected Because the info Tholme has isn't quite the info Jango has, etc. And they can't just say Ben is a future Obi-Wan over comms

I just have a lot of feelings about people trying to do something right and just. Nobody's at fault! Not really! It's just complicated!

Tia: I like how when Ahsoka isn’t doing maladaptive trauma response stuff she’s very mature. And of course she’s had to be but it’s a good like, contrast. Where when she slows down to think about things she’s very sensible

Jango just spends most of this story lowkey wanting Ahsoka to Be His Friend but there's too much baggage that he's only metaphysically responsible for

Local aroace(?) has a squish

Ahsoka: He just wants to get on my good side because of Rex. Jango: I'm pretty sure you could kill an entire army without trying but you wouldn't because you have actual morals and stuff... and when I met you it was because you were killing yourself trying to keep (what appeared to be) children safe... you seem cool please be my friend.......

Ahsoka’s #1 weakness: mountains of trauma Ahsoka’s #2 weakness: she just doesn’t get why so many people think she’s cool and want her to be their (girl)friend

Jango, a 27yo massacre survivor who's killed Jedi masters with his bare hands: [gets lectured on various government structures by a tiny girl that's missing several teeth and needs to sit on books to see the table properly]

Ahsoka was raised in a religious meritocracy but developed all her opinions during a galactic war and then became a vigilante spy, Rex comes from a military cult, Leia is from an inherited monarchy that participates in democracy, Quinlan was originally from what appears to be a dynastic dictatorship, and IDK about Tholme other than that he is also from the religious meritocracy. And in legends Quinlan came to the religious meritocracy after his aunt sacrificed his parents to a vampire cult and then forced him to experience the psychometric echoes of that. There's just. A lot going on.

Leia at least has knowledge about structure and admin in theory that isn't based in either the military or populations under 10k

Jango: I want to be your friend. Ahsoka: Sounds fake.

I am unfairly fond of "Rex destroys a conversation by bringing up his own horrifying childhood and calling it a cult"

"Why does Sokari call you 'Rex'ika'?" "Because she's older than me." "...can I--?" "No."

Nickname privileges are extended ONLY to Ahsoka and older clones. There are no more older clones, so it's just Ahsoka.

Me joking about Star Wars AUs: Would you like a crackship? Me writing actual Star Wars fic: My favorite character type is apparently “too traumatized to have a relationship” so this is at least 90% gen.

I had to pull a scene opening at one point because Ahsoka's skill with not getting shot is actually much less useful than Tholme's clearance levels.

Now I really want a team-up of Ahsoka, Rex, and Jango where they do have to get in a dogfight of the "she flies, we shoot" variety and Fett just has to scream because the speeder thing to catch Maul was one thing, but this....

Ahsoka, before TCW: I know all the traffic rules but I'm not that great at flying! Ahsoka, after TCW: I'm great at flying but if you let me behind the wheel we are absolutely getting arrested.

She went from "knows the rules but doesn't have the skills" to "has the skills but primarily in the form of not getting shot" which! Is delightful! "Bet I can get us through that alley--" "DO NOT"

Jango and Ahsoka are both just very "Is this friendship? Is this camaraderie? My heart's been fried on platonic love by so many murders that I'm not sure anymore." "I've lost a lot of friends. I kind of forgot how to make those."

I have no idea if "hasn't been closer than Alderaan except that one trip to Chandrila" is canon-compliant but ehhhhhhhh It feels plausible enough?

Belatedly realized that I could just explain my optimal Rex&Ahsoka dynamic as just... drift compatible. It's vague enough on the specifics while still digging into the meat of what they mean to each other and how they work together. The terminology is already in existence. I can just use it.

Romantic? Platonic? Familial? Doesn't matter! They're drift compatible.

They are important to each other and that is what matters

I really like the Leia&Quinlan thing. He's just like "This small child needs a friend that isn't super depressed," and decided he's going to be her friend. I keep trying to toss in "Quinlan volunteers to 'baby'sit." She's not much older and she has a Baby Brain, it works out

There's a running bet as to whether Leia will leave the Order the second she turns thirteen, or if she'll let Sokari "train" her for a few years first. And... that’s how I came up with Leia Antilles, Senator of Serenno.

They'll be bullshitting Ben as her new master to "finish out the padawanship" since they can't tell everyone she's really in her thirties and he's conveniently there and already knows everything and was half her master anyway. Like Ben was planning on taking on Luke, but Luke is "six" and even he can't swing that as old enough to be a Padawan, and it's not like Sokari will take more than a handful of years to justify knighthood, sooooooooo

#Ahsoka Tano #Captain Rex #Leia Organa #Jango Fett #Obi Wan Kenobi #time travel #de aging #Phoenix Babbles #Uncle Ben and Little Luke #Auntie Soka and Little Leia #I need to excise the bits that are actually funny on their own

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aj28gaming · 3 years

Text

Danganronpa messing up Nagito's character cuz apparently even they believe headcanons

Is it just me or is Danganronpa making Nagito worse?

Like at the start we have a socially intelligent and intuitive paranoid kid who hates despair and gets forced into a killing game that is filled with everything he hates and fears

So he clings desperately to hope as a coping mechanism to deal with everything

And then in the anime, we get a social outcast (for some reason even though people would've loved his hope talks like they did back in chapter 1 since no killing game happens and he is just speaking normally)

who bombs a school (forget his paranoia apparently) and nonchalantly allows himself to get out of the island and accidentally kill 40+ soldiers (again, ignoring his paranoia of his destructive luck cycle apparently)

And then in Danganronpa 2.5 we get a socially inept, clingy hope addict who apparently doesn't have boundaries?

(We seriously ignoring how much he pushes people away back in SDR2, is afraid of having friends due to his luck cycle, respects boundaries to the max, and how socially intelligent he is and his crazy empathy to know people's hopes and despairs?)

(And no even Mikan's motivations he understood, he knew she killed for despair because she literally killed for Junko, Mikan just says he doesn't understand because she doesn't count is as killing for despair, she counts it as killing for love)

And some of the fans defend this and says Nagito is hated or is supposed to have no boundaries because of his social ineptness or inability to properly socialize

Okay

WHEN?

WHEN HAS HE IN SUPER DANGANRONPA 2 ACTUALLY SUCKED AT SOCIALIZING OR WAS SOCIALLY INEPT OR OUT OF TOUCH?

NOT THE ANIME OR SPINOFFS, I AM TALKING ABOUT THE ACTUAL SECOND GAME WHERE HE FIRST SHOWED HIS FACE

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOW GONNA BASE ALMOST ALL OF MY POINTS ON HOW NAGITO IS AND ACTS DURING SDR2 AND THAT INCLUDES HIS FREE TIME EVENTS AND ISLAND MODE

NOT THE ANIME OR DANGANRONPA 2.5, JUST DANGANRONPA 2 GOODBYE DESPAIR

Bruh, the guy is hated sure, but boy was he awesome at being a people-person and gathering people during chapter 1

He encouraged everyone with his hope talks and Hajime even kept simping for the guy because of his positivity

And due to the guy's CRAZY HIGH EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING, he is able to understand the hopes and despairs of almost every freaking character

He knew Teruteru wanted to continue the culinary legacy and help his mom, that's his hope

He knew Imposter would want to protect everyone no matter what, that's his hope

He knew Mikan killed for Despair, that despair being Junko Enoshima

He knew Fuyuhiko's hope is Peko and that both of them care about each other very much

He knew how similar he and Hajime are and how they are both bystanders and lovers of Hope, for Hajime that Hope being Hope's Peak academy itself and/or having talent

The guy is crazy with how well he knows people, and he is definitely not socially inept at all

He respects boundaries, is able to read the room and the only time he seems socially inept is when he is either trying to purposefully annoy someone to get a reaction or when he is too obsessed with his ideas with hope

The guy is obsessed with hope, yes, but he is not socially inept

That is seriously downgrading how much empathy he has and how much understanding he has for every character

And Nagito does have empathy, the reason why it seems like he doesn't is because he treats the dead people like stepping stones for hope

He does have empathy tho, and too much that it takes a toll on his mental health whenever he sees dead bodies, so he clings to hope in order to cope and tries to pretend that it's okay if people die because there is always hope

(basically, deniability at it's finest)

It's not that the guy doesn't care, it's that he does a little too much

Which is why he laughs, laughing for him doesn't mean he is happy, it means he is surprised (he says this in island mode)

And seeing that his greatest fears are seeing people die constantly because of his luck cycle, wouldn't be surprised that he laughs like crazy in a literal killing game

And laughing out of stress or fear isn't unheard of, I mean there is also a thing called nervous laughter

And jesus christ, CAN PEOPLE STOP TRYING TO USE FRONTOTEMPORAL DEMENTIA SYMPTOMS TO EXPLAIN HIM?

What I mean is, yes he has dementia or is at least diagnosed with it

And I believe that he probably does actually have dementia (not saying he could've lied tho but he could've still been misdiagnosed)

But that doesn't mean he has all of the symptoms

I don't think we can confirm if he does or doesn't have dementia because he might just not have all of the symptoms

But I do know that using the symptoms to explain his character isn't a good idea especially since it usually undermines who he actually is

Like, let me explain

Behavior and/or dramatic personality changes, such as swearing, stealing, increased interest in sex, or a deterioration in personal hygiene habits

- No, and no not even when the killing game started. Yeah sure he laughs now, but that's no different from how he is normally since laughing for him is what he does when he gets surprised or stressed. He doesn't change much in the killing game, he still believes in hope and everyone else, still respects boundaries, still have crazy high intellect and empathy, still pushes people away

Socially inappropriate, impulsive, or repetitive behaviors

- not really, again the guy is a freaking gentleman even during the killing game. He respects boundaries, reprimands Teruteru for sexual assault during chapter 1, pushes people away and distances himself from others, isn't at all impulsive (usually quite the opposite really), and is usually planning and tries to remain calm and composed throughout the killing game (struggling tho cuz yeah killing game)

Impaired judgment

- here, I kinda disagree. I wouldn't say that Nagito is entirely in the right with everything he does, but I understand his views. The guy knows that no one is truly a bad person in the killing game because everyone was forced into it. He knows that even the blackened escapes and everyone dies, it isn't fully a bad thing because that means someone escapes and goes back home to their loved ones while the killing game ends

If a blackened succeeds, the despair would be of course everyone else dying and the blackened going through a lot of trauma, but the hope would be the end of the killing game and the blackened going home or to their loved ones or to their goal in life or whatever

If the blackened dies, the despair would obviously be the blackened dying and the killing game still continuing, while the hope would be everyone else still alive

Nagito isn't exactly wrong in wanting to help the blackened as well, of course, Nagito would want him himself to be the victim so another person gets a chance at escape and no one else would be the victim

Sadly for Nagito, that time never comes

Nagito doesn't want others to be killed, he wants to sacrifice himself instead as the victim instead of everyone else

Apathy

- .....big no. Nonononono. The dude is anything but apathetic.

"Apathy is a lack of feeling, emotion, interest, or concern about something."

Seriously, being a dude who is constantly supportive of everyone and their hopes in life and how passionate this dude gets about hope and despair, and the fact that he is the most stressed 24/7 about something bad happening due to his luck, this guy is seriously anything but apathetic

Lack of empathy

- No. If the guy truly lack empathy he wouldn't need to use Hope desperately as a coping mechanism, wouldn't care about the ultimates and their hopes and despairs, wouldn't constantly be thinking about helping the ultimates and overcoming despair, wouldn't be the most stressed out of everyone, and definitely wouldn't be in love with Hajime or even act the way he did in chapter 1

Decreased self-awareness

- You don't actually understand why you act the way you do.

A good indicator that you lack self-awareness deals with how well you understand your emotions, actions, and behavior. People who lack self-awareness often feel constantly off-kilter, anxious, or angry.

This is not Nagito at all. The guy understands his emotions and behaviors which is why he is able to do the things he does and is able to conduct plans based on how much he understands his own self and capabilities. The guy is actually the most self-aware out of everyone, he knows about how people don't understand him and constantly misunderstand him and his intentions, he is aware constantly of his inability sometimes to properly explain his goals to people.

The guy has a lot of self-awareness and isn't afraid to take responsibility for his actions. Actually, it's because of how self-aware he is of his own self and his destructive luck cycle that he constantly blames himself for anything bad that happens.

The guy is seriously self-aware as hell and it's scary sometimes

Loss of interest in normal daily activities

- Nope, he hasn't shown any sign of apathy towards anything and is usually pretty hyped about doing daily activities. He is paranoid though on the daily because he fears for what his luck cycle might do

Emotional withdrawal from others

- Emotional withdrawal involves bottling up your emotions. It involves cutting out the people who could help us, because we're so used to rejection that we've learned to anticipate it. Because we've learned to disconnect from others, we develop other unhealthy coping mechanisms

Emotional withdrawal is defined as pulling back emotionally or physically by bottling up your feelings or disconnecting from others. Emotional withdrawal can be far more complex at times. It is comparable to a breakup, in every way but physical.

Kind of? Yes, he pushes people away, but he is still willing to spend time with people, especially Hajime, when they really insist. He politely pushes people away, but he isn't opposed to hanging out with people either though it is sometimes rare

Loss of energy and motivation

- .... I already said it before, the guy is full of motivation and energy and passion that it is scary sometimes

Inability to use or understand language; this may include difficulty naming objects, expressing words, or understanding the meanings of words

-.....WHY IS THIS HERE? THE GUY IN THE JAPANESE DUB CONSTANTLY FLEXES HIS DAMN ENGLISH VOCABULARY DESPITE IT BEING A JAPANESE DUB

AND THE FUCKING ENGLISH WORDS HE USES ARE FANCY AND HIGH LEVEL AS FUCK THAT I FEEL SMART JUST READING THEM

Hesitation when speaking

- Definite no, the guy isn't afraid to voice his own opinions and never hesitates and can get very vocal about the things he is passionate about

Less frequent speech

- Again, definite hell no. I wouldn't be surprised if his voice lines are longer than the voice lines of everyone else combined

Distractibility

- Nope. The guy is focused on his goals constantly. No matter what he does, you can always be sure that it is for a certain goal. He pisses of Fuyuhiko? It was to get a reaction from him to confirm his suspicions about the true culprit. He lied about the rope? It was to see how Mikan would react and how the trial would go to confirm his suspicions about Mikan being the culprit?

The guy is focused like a damn soldier

Trouble planning and organizing

-.....do I seriously need to explain? This is Nagito we are talking about

Frequent mood changes

- Not really. He usually acts or reacts a certain way because something happened like someone died or something. He is actually pretty normal with how he acts and reacts and doesn't really change his mood rapidly that much

Agitation

- Yes and no? Sure the guy gets paranoid 24/7, but is still somewhat more chill than agitated to an extent. He is easy going and is just paranoid about what his luck would do, he is vigilant but not necessarily agitated

Increasing dependence

- No. The guy is independent to a fault and only relies on others when his plans call for it. He also usually does things of his own accord and rarely with a partner unless he really needs to or his goal is to help that person specifically, which knowing him is a usual thing

Unwillingness to talk

- Again, no. The guy talks a lot and while he pushes others away, he wouldn't turn down a conversation if the other person wanted one

Lack of inhibition or lack of social tact

- Again, no. The guy is a gentleman and respects boundaries and definitely gets stressed especially in the killing game. The guy is also paranoid 24/7 on a normal day due to his luck cycle

Obsessive or repetitive behavior, such as compulsively shaving or collecting items

- No? Sure he clings to hope but that is more of a coping mechanism. If he isn't in a stressful situation like a killing game he doesn't get that obsessive as much about hope since he doesn't need to desperately cling to it as a coping mechanism

Unusual verbal, physical or sexual behavior

- No? He isn't at all like this. It isn't unusual to panic or use a coping mechanism desperately when in a situation like a killing game, and he doesn't do anything unusual like this when it's a normal day. Sure the guy gets paranoid, but that's it

Weight gain due to dramatic overeating

- No? Actually, I don't really know how much weight he gains to be honest so idk

My main point here is, yes there is a chance Nagito does actually have dementia, but using the symptoms as a way to explain his character undermines who he actually is and can cause a lot of misunderstandings of his character

Especially since I remember being told that they only added in dementia to his character backstory a little late during his character development and creation

It isn't a good idea to use his symptoms because it usually gets his character wrong and sometimes makes them excuse a lot of the things he has done

The guy is self-aware, isn't socially inept, is a gentleman, and socially intelligent as hell

And I really hate how even Danganronpa itself seems to forget that

It's like they forgot who Nagito is, to begin with

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daddychims · 4 years

Text

Offside Pt 11

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

Series Masterlist!

Genre: Smut, Soccer AU, College AU

Pairings: Soccer Player! Jungkook X Sports Trainer! Reader

Word Count: 2k

Other BTS members all make a cameo as well because I’m an OT7 Trash!

You work as a sports trainer, providing basic first aid and injury management for the Hanguk University’s soccer team. Going with your mundane life of caring for the dozen of guys hurting themselves in the soccer game takes a turn when one of the guys catches your eyes. It’s not his breathtakingly good looks or his muscular athletic body usually seducing girls at the campus that catches your eyes. But the action plan in your kit, indicating he is diagnosed with Asthma is what draws your eyes time and time again to the Golden Boy of Hanguk University.

Warning: Slow burn, eventual smut, Taehyung being a freaking tease the whole time, Also Jimin not letting the female MC live for one day, Fuckboy!Jungkook, Asthmatic! Jungkook , mentions of episodes of Asthma, Take your Ventolin kids, Take your medications kids!

You watch the three guys who are standing at three corners of the table, chalking their cues as they have the most intense stare battle of their life. The girl sitting beside you offers you a cigarette which you reject with a forced smile but quickly grab one of the bottles of beer that is sitting idly on the table and press it against your mouth to take a sip.

"So what's the bet of the night," Jimin asks, gaze travelling between the two guys "Don’t tell me you called me here without a bet."

"Of course not Park," Taehyung scoffs "I've got a good one for now. "

You furrow your eyebrows when he shifts his gaze to you, and you immediately choke on your beer staring between him and the two other guys "W-What?" You ask defensively

"The bet's on you, Sugar!" Taehyung offers and Jungkook nods confirming his words

"W-What?" you ask with lost eyes "What do you mean?"

"Whoever wins this game will get to drive you home!" Taehyung declares firmly as he glances back at Jimin

"Ooh creative," Jimin smirks "I like that!"

"Wait no," you quickly stand up to object "Joonie said he'll will be drop me off-" you turn around to have a look at the table where you last seen Jiwoo and Namjoon but your voice trails off as you find out about your bestfriend's betrayal

"They left the place 10 minutes ago," Jungkook states looking at you "While you were too busy …" he points at the table Jimin was grinding on you earlier and your cheeks turn red immediately

"I can get home on my own." you declare

"Joonie Hyung will probably kill me if he knows I didn’t take you home," Jimin immediately rejects shaking his head "Also where is the fun in that?

"Am I here to entertain you?" You ask in disblief

"We're set," Jimin ignores your question as he looks at the other two

"Hey Hey," You call as you as you walk closer to the table "but I have a condition." The three of them nod in union and you're surprised that for the first time you see them agreeing on something. "You'll drop me at my place," you glance over Taehyung to Jungkook as you add "No funny business," you then bring your eyes to Jimin "No messing around!"

"Can I get a complementary neck massage?" Jimin raises his hand as if he's asking for permission with an excited tone

"Park," you sneer at the guy and he immediately laughs in response

"Fine, " Jimin replies before looking at the two other guys "I'm calling dibs on 10-15."

"That’s not fair," Taehyung pouts "13 is my lucky number!"

"You should work on your speed if you don’t want your things taken!" He smirks before pointing at you

"Park," You hiss realising the "things" he's mentioning is a metaphore for you "I'm standing right here!"

"Sorry babe," he sends a wink your way "Just trying to teach the kids some life lesson here!"

"You better watch your mouth," Taehyung hisses "before I stick that cue up your ass and teach you a life lesson!"

"Ooh didn’t know you're into toys," Jimin laughs "Is that your way of compensating for your 3 seconds stamina?"

Taehyung is about to jump over the table to throw a punch when Jungkook finally speaks up

"Lets get this over and done with," he glances at Taehyung in an attempt distract the heated guy "1 to 5 or 5 to 10 Tae?"

"1 to 5," Taehyung replies through gritted teeth

"Alright!" Jungkook nods as he sets the small balls in the triangle before lifting the case up, the balls organized in a triangle ready for the game to start

You watch as Taehyung lean over the table, throwing a glare at Jimin across the table before breaking the balls.

"Nice shot!" Jimin compliments with a mischievous smile

Taehyung smirks as he walks away changing his angle, aiming for the number 13 which belongs to Jimin. As the cue hits the ball, it starts dancing around the table but misses its path into a pocket.

"Not so lucky hey," Jimin smirks as he watches Taehyung's defeated expression "What does it even stand for? 13 … 13 seconds?" he pauses as if he discovered something brilliant in his head "Is that the most you lasted boning someone?"

Taehyung clenches his jaw watching Jungkook walk past him, brushing an arm over his shoulder to calm him "Its for the time your dad lasted when he made you!" Taehyung spits back in response

Jimin's expression immediately hardens and he's about to charge towards the guy when you quickly intervene

"Hey, Hey," you scold as you knock on the wooden surface of the table "you two stop fighting right now!"

"He started!" Taehyung points at the guy across the table with a pout, as if he's wrongly accused

“I don’t have all night for you two to fight,” you cross your arms across your chest, putting an end to their pointless banter “Now do you wanna continue playing or should I call Joonie?”

You don’t miss how Jungkook’s lips tug into a faint smile as the two guys pout in union like two kids scolded by their mom

“I guess I’m playing next!” He offers looking at you before leaning down and play his turn

The rest of the game goes on not much different than it started, Taehyung and Jimin constantly bickering while Jungkook silently plays, all his attention on the balls he scores in the holes one after another.

You can’t help but notice his familiar tactic he always uses on the field. Barely wasting any time to bluff or bicker with others but ends up owning the game in the end. And of course, this game is no exception.

“I guess the hiatus affected your skills, Park!” Taehyung smirks as he high fives Jungkook “Aren’t you losing too often?”

Jimin rolls his eyes at the remark “You speak as if you’re any better, 13 seconds!” " his mocks as he scores another point, crushing Taehyung's ego

You run your finger to your temple giving it a slight massage. It’s a headache to be in the same room as the three guys. They are at each other’s throat whether it is soccer or just playing a stupid game like billiard and they make everything seem like their lives are at stake if they don’t claim the throne. There is always an unnecessary amount of men ego floating in the air for everyone around them including you.

You watch how Jungkook's slender fingers moved slowly caressing the edge of the table as he watches Taehyung and Jimin play to win over the second and third spot, reassured that he’s scored his throne already like always.

You have to consciously stop yourself from imagining how many girls those fingers may have broken into pieces to build the guy’s reputation as the Hanguk’s golden boy.

“Looks like I won’t be getting any placebo effect tonight!” Jimin finally brings his eyes to you from the game, a bitter smirk tugging on the corner of his lips

You gulp, not losing the double meaning of his words considering earlier he elaborated on how exactly he wanted to squeeze the placebo effect out of you.

“I guess life doesn’t always go your way Park!” Jungkook speaks up this time, as he places his cue on the table and grabs his jacket looking at you “Ready to go?”

“Y-Yeah!” you stutter, looking at his piercing eyes fixed on you

“I’ll see you next week,” Jimin calls waving at you with a smirk “Save up some of your placebo effect for then,” he warns, his smirk faltering as his demeanour changes to a more stern one “Be a good girl and don’t use it all up yeah?”

“W-What-“ you ask with a confused tone but before you can receive your answer Jungkook grabs your arm and pulls you to the stairs behind himself.

“Bye Sugar!”

You hear Tae’s voice behind you but Jungkook walks so fast that you don’t even get the chance to turn around and bid him goodbye.

“You don’t have to drop me off,” You finally pause when you’re both outside the building, reaching his car “I can just take a taxi!” you suggest

“Why? Are you disappointed?” He asks, bringing his annoyed eyes to you “Did you want Jimin to drop you off?

“What? No! Of course not-“

“We made a bet, I won, so get in!” He orders before opening the door to his side and getting in the car

You furrow your eyebrows, pulling the handle of the passenger side and getting in the car. You watch as they guy starts the engine and starts driving off the parking while he reaches in the dashboard and grabs a small pen shaped object and presses it against his lips. You heart starts drumming faster in rage as the smoke circles around his face like a halo and you realise, he’s vaping.

“Are you serious?” You blurt out without even thinking

He glances at you before inhaling deeply on the device and exhaling it out skilfully “What?”

“N-Nothing …” you immediately retract, realising the last time you commented on his smoking habits, things didn’t go very well

“No go on,” he nods “What are you judging me for this time?”

“I said nothing!” You insist lowering the window to avoid inhaling the secondhand smoke

“Now what? Are you so upset that Jimin lost the bet that you don’t wanna talk to me?” He asks and you finally lose you patience

“I’m judging you for that vape,” you snap in rage finally looking at him “and no, I’m actually happy Jimin didn’t win the bet …” you blurt out and his eyes widen, momentarily meeting yours and you immediately regret your words

“Really?” he asks intrigued, puffing a substantial amount of smoke out of his lungs

“Y-Yes, but that’s not important …” you quickly interject “Are you seriously smoking AND vaping? Are you really that desperate for lung cancer?”

“I told you before, my lungs are already fucked, they were since I was like 2,” he replies through gritted teeth “this wouldn’t really make a huge difference anyways.”

“Fine,” you roll your eyes frustrated at his response “Just smoke until you choke and die!”

“As if you care!” he murmurs barely audible, but you immediately pick it up and look at him

“Really? So now I don’t care?”

“Well obviously grinding on Park is much more of a priority for you right now,” he scoffs in rage “considering how you managed to break our promise in like two days!”

“W-What … I did not-“

“Oh right, I should have known you’d play smart,” he nods with a mocking tone “you promised you’d block him but didn’t promise you wouldn’t fuck him!”

“Jungkook,” you interrupt, blood boiling from his accusation “I wasn’t planning on fucking anyone! He was only there because Joon brought him along.”

“and that was probably me humping him in a room full of people around,” He scoffs “If only Tae didn’t suggest the game-“ He immediately stops and goes silent, pressing the vape on his lips and inhaling deeply before puffing the air out in frustration “Whatever …”

You sigh watching him for a few seconds “I don’t really get why you and Tae overact about Park?” you finally break the silence

“I don’t get why you always have to be around him!” he spits back questioning you instead “Is he really worth it? The guys is like barely 4 inches,” he says in an enraged tone “and if he’s sent you dick pics that show otherwise, I have to burst your bubble! there are rumours that he photoshops his dick all the time!”

“What- how …” you stutter, cheeks blushing with every word that he speaks” How is Jimin’s genital coming into this!”

“Because his dick somehow is significant enough for you to break the Hanguk’s code and betray your team!”

"You're so fucking dramatic, Oh My God!" You sigh in defeat and look away, hoping this torturous car ride that resembles an interrogation room comes to an end soon

Meanwhile Jungkook presses his foot on the pedal and speeds up the car, exhibiting his anger in a way other than yelling at you. You finally release a sigh in relief as your house comes to view and you reach to unbuckle your belt as Jungkook’s car comes to stop. You’re struggling with the clip when a small gasp leaves your throat as he turns over to you and hovers against your body

“Jeon-“

“Look, We had a deal,” he states sternly as he rests his hand on yours stopping your fiddle with the belt “I take my medications until the finals, you stay away from Park Jimin,” his tongue pokes to the corner of his cheek as he stares at you with a disappointed look “You can’t play dirty!”

“W-well if you actually listened to me-”

“Fine, tonight wasn’t your choice, I got it,” he nods in a frustrated tone “but next time you see that punk, you need to turn around and walk the opposite way, Alright?”

You want to agree with his suggestion immediately, its not like you’re dying to hang around SNU’s famous Casanova anyways. but your eyes glaze over the object in his hand and immediately you change your mind “This wasn’t part of the deal,” you mutter in a firm tone

“What?” he furrows his eyebrows looking at you

“If you’re gonna add conditions to our deal, I should add conditions too!”

“What condition?” He asks, a bit taken off guard by your sudden proposition

“No smoking or vaping till the games,” you reply with a stern tone “Or I wont promise I wont be hanging around Park.”

“What- “he scoffs in disbelief

“The medication will be more effective if you stop smoking!” You explain with a serious tone

“That’s what you want in return?” He asks with a lost tone

“Yes!” you nod determined

Jungkook gulps, a tint of amusement colouring his gaze on you. He rests his weight against your body in silence before unclipping your seatbelt and finally pulling away from your seat

“Fine!” he nods, avoiding making any eye contact with you

“Really?” your lips curve into a smile “you said it,” you raise your point finger at him “no going back on this! If I find out you’ve been smoking behind my back, our deal is gone okay?”

He finally glances at you, squinting his eyes as if he’s trying to figure you out “I said fine,” he mutters in a flustered tone “I don’t break my deals like someone!”

“Of course you don’t,” you roll your eyes at his remark “Thanks for the ride!” you turn around to leave his car as you add

“Wait,” he calls, and you turn around but immediately regret as he travels the space between you and cages you between himself and your seat again “This isn’t the only ride you can thank me for, you know!” he flashes a suggestive smirk

“W-What …”

“If you want, I’ll let you ride me this time,” he traps his bottom lips between his teeth with a seductive smile “You just have to be a good girl and ask for it!”

“J-Jeon,” you speak up, trying to compose yourself against his seductive remarks “I said no funny business!”

“I’m sure it’ll be one hell of a ride,” He murmurs in a husky tone, eyes darkening in lust “Why don’t you give it a try?”

You blink rapidly, hating your drumming heart and the fact that you consider his offer for a second before finally muttering “Thank you for the offer,” you flash a fake smile “But this will be the last ride I ever had with you Jeon!” you then push him aside and open the door as you run towards your house, missing his final words

“We’ll see about that …”

Hey guys!

Hope you enjoyed this chapter, please like and reblog!

Love ya’ll!

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cph-dreaming · 3 years

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Being Bonkers - Day # 280

“Take my mind and take my pain

Like an empty bottle takes the rain

And heal, heal, heal, heal

Take my past and take my sins

Like an empty sail takes the wind

And heal, heal, help me heal

And tell me somethings last”

Tom Odell, Heal

By chance I met a former friend of mine the other day that I haven’t seen for more than two years. There are numeral reasons why I more or less consciously cut her out of my life at that time. I had already started to deteriorate emotionally while coming to terms with my physical disorder. At the same time I worked more than 60 hours a week as a manager, focusing on performance, leadership and financial targets, ignoring my own well-being. And she’s the kind of friend that doesn’t accept that kind of shit. She would keep on insisting that I needed to take care of myself at a time in my life where I could do anything but, least of all listening to well meant advice. And she was pregnant, in a stable relationship, and because I was already so fucked up, instead of just being happy for her, she only reminded me of my own shortcomings and all the things that was never going to be in my life.

We ordered a beer and sat down outside my favourite bar. I was on my way to say something like ‘Damned, you look good, it’s so nice to see you again” and all of those platitudes. Before I had even uttered a word she looked at me with her piercing blue eyes and said:

“I know that a few minutes from now you’re going to apologise for not reaching out to me the last two years. And then I’ll apologise to you for not doing the same. So we’ll just waste precious time with banalities instead of listening to each other. The important thing is that I still love you, and I’m pretty sure you still love me, so let’s just forget about trying to justify why we haven’t been there for each other. Ok? Now, what’s happened in your life?”

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder half a year ago and was referred to treatment at the Center for Affective Disorders at the main hospital in Copenhagen, one of the things in group therapy they were adamant about was for us patients not to reach out to people from our past that we have somehow hurt and lost. I really did not understand that, like in not at all! Come on, now I finally have been diagnosed and I can tell people that all the time there’s been this explanation for why I have behaved like shit.

Two months ago I decided to text this dude I haven’t heard from in several months in the middle of the night, basically telling him that I forgave him for not wanting to see me anymore, that I knew I could be too much but that I on the other hand was the only one who really understood him, knew what the shit he was dealing with felt like, and that, by the way, I wouldn’t mind seeing him naked again, that I knew he felt uncomfortable asking me, but that yeah, he could just literally fuck me all night.

I haven’t heard from him and he’s blocked me on social media.

So the need to reach out to people from your past is often a sign of (hypo)manic behaviour. I get that now. On the other hand reaching out when you’re not hypo is often an unproductive endeavour. Yeah, it’s true, there might be a reason why you’ve hurt people beyond forgiveness, but you’ve still hurt them. Telling someone that there’s a reason for an unforgivable sin doesn’t erase that sin and you still have to own up to what you’ve done, psychiatric diagnosis or not. I mean, my former boyfriend won’t feel any better with me telling him that when I’m hypo my libido is uncontrollable and I fuck everyone I meet. I still cheated on him. And even though there’s a reason for my behaviour that I didn’t understand at that time I cannot expect him to be ok with that. Ever.

That is why I was so emotional about meeting that former friend of mine. Even before I had even tried to explain she had decided to forgive me for the wrongs I had done to her, for not being there when she needed me. It also makes me realise that from now on I need to do better. That there might never be another ‘get out of jail card’ with her. And at the same time I am slowly learning that I can be loved and forgiven, whatever grievances, whatever disorder. That with the right people in my life, healing doesn’t have to be a lonely trip all by myself.

I’m so damned happy that my treatment doesn’t involve the word ‘acceptance’. As my therapist said the other day, if you get a cancer diagnosis it won’t make you feel better just by accepting it. It’s ok to be fucking angry about the cards you’ve been dealt! Instead the focus is on ‘mastering’, a word that implies learning about your disorder, acknowledging the hardships of it, and most of all that there’s a lot of work you can do yourself to get better. And it implies a journey. Nothing is static. You’ll probably continue to have ups and downs, whatever meds you’re on for the rest of your life, but there will be progress towards getting better. And there’s hope. There has to be hope. Always. Why the hell would I still go back to the Skamverse if there wasn’t.

“Altijd”

- Robbe, WtFOCK

#personal #living with an mi #being bonkers #wtfam

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transephiroth · 3 years

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an important post: abuse from friends, friend abuse. please read and reblog.

TW: abuse ment, bpd ment, ed ment, suicide ment, ptsd, trauma, death ment. gaslighting ment.

i don’t know what exactly what has compelled me to make this post at nearly 1:00 am on a school night just like every other, but i think the importance of advocacy of preventing, spotting, and stopping abusive friendships is to talk about them with the same respect as any other form of abuse.

i’ll give you a small overview of my personal experience with abusive friendships: when i was 16, my father committed suicide. i was not aware he was my biological father at they time and actually found out he was not my half brother, but my biological father. my father, who’s name i will not mention. i won’t even use fake names they’re hard to keep track of. i found out my mother, an abusive drug addict, slept with her husband, my apparent grandfather’s, adult son from a previous marriage consensually. one way or another, my father was forbidden to be involved in my life, and my grandfather raised me as his own. (in case you’re going to ask about inc*st, my father and mother have no relation, she is not his mother.)

the shock of learning this and grieving his death from the few negative interactions he and his mental health had on my family when i was a baby, was intense. i had no friends at school and felt incredibly lost and vulnerable. when i was in this place i met my best friend. we bonded over a shared hatred of my ex boyfriend, who was an abuser, who was dating her ex best friend.

this should have been a red flag, but i ignored it.

i took the first friend i could find after my ex took away all my friends in an effort to isolate me after my assault. this was probably the worst part of my life, and one of my first real suicide attempts was only days before my father died. the first friend i found, the first soul i recognized i clung to.

when me and my friend, who we will call P, were inseparable. but there was a very clear and distinct difference between us. P was a star in the band at school, she had great grades, tons of friends and was quite conventionally attractive. she was involved in a lot of extracurriculars and overall had a very nice demeanor.

this should have been a red flag. as harsh as it might sound, idealizing anyone is unhealthy. if someone appears to you as perfect, it’s not paranoid of you to wonder if it’s hiding something. it’s hard to tell when someone is being genuine, especially for myself with autism. nice words and a smile can pretty much fool anyone.

i, on the other hand of P, dropped out of band and just about every other activity after my assault, and was in and out of intense therapy and psych visits throughout all of high school. i never could go a school year without a visit. to this day i have gone a whole year however :)

I was an autistic shut in who quite honestly, cried a lot, smelled bad, was clearly poor, spoke funny and came to school drunk. we were not the same.

i don’t want to go over every painstaking detail, so i’ll try to summarize as best i can the first two years of our three year relationship.

P was diagnosed with BPD about a month into our friendship. she told me i was her FP/favorite person, and showed me videos to learn about BPD. i remember watching hours and hours of information about BPD to accommodate her the best i could. what i didn’t realize however, was that she was lying. she didn’t have BPD, or at least couldn’t be diagnosed because we were 16.

red flag. i knew this was a lie because i had been in therapy for years. it took me a long time to peace it together but i accepted it and beget told her, until this moment, that i knew.

i fucking knew.

months of friendship included constant easy to see through lies, fabrications, pathological rants, and pretty much changing her “back story” every day. it was draining not to mention it, but the few times i did, she got physical. i have scars on my right forearm from her nails, which were long and broke skin. she would tell me she would pay me back for things and never show. she would make fun of things i told her in secret to our friends, my trauma. my dad.

“dark humor”

over time, she convinced me to drop every single friend i had except for her. she had gotten me literally completely vulnerable and isolated.

when covid hit, my mom, of course, kicked me out. i moved in with P and her family. my time there over quarantine was very monotonous, but i’ll never forget that for basically 8-9 months, she never let me out of her sight. i felt like i had to just do whatever she wanted because her mother let me live there for free.

p knew i wanted to move away from my mother and the chaos of my home life for years.

right before quarantine, P got her first boyfriend. she had never had a boyfriend and had been to scared to get one. i was really happy for her, i encouraged her to ask him out while she was at a weekend school event.

P then began to manipulate not only me, but him. to this day i don’t know what’s become of either of them, but i really couldn’t care less anymore. when trauma heals, you get a sense of apathy.

P would frequently belittle me, mock me, kick, trip and slap me, force me to pay for things for her and her boyfriend on the spot, and steal from my purse.

eventually living with p, third wheeling with her less than charming boyfriend, who i honestly just didn’t mind. we weren’t friends, but i was respectful to him and treated him the same way i would treat a friend from school or something.

p has a family i won’t bring up because it involves minors, but her mother has a psychotic disorder and refuses to be medicated, so the house is full of ripped door hinges, holes in walls, smashed items and more. it’s really unsafe there, and during my time there i found i really began to internalize as a person. i developed an eating disorder and my ptsd and autism felt much more out of control.

i had been diagnosed with autism for nearly two years at that point, and living in that household made me realize just how damaging meltdown after meltdown without anyone understanding can damage your psyche long term.

i wanted to leave. i had saved my money from my jobs and got an apartment. p insisted on coming, saying she didn’t want to live with her mom anymore. i didn’t want her to come, but i agreed. she got a co-sign. i knew it was a bad idea because i heard what they said about best friends living together. i just can’t believe it really happened.

we talked about growing old together, raising our kids together. i was going to name my first daughter after her. we were going to be neighbors. her husband and my wife would be best friends just like us, but that’s not what happened.

we lived together from August 2020-November 2020

to give a quick summary of the inevitable end of this relationship, P and I had two kittens together. i asked her if she could put them away for inspection so they didn’t run out the door while i drove our third roommate, a whole other mountain of a story, to work.

she didn’t do it, instead slacked off to go to her boyfriends house. so i came back and had to put the cats away at record speed and our other roommate was late to work.

even if this was somewhat small, it was the breaking point for me. i grabbed my phone and texted her, DEMANDING she explain why she couldn’t do this one thing for me. i have never been that angry in my life. we had a phone call where i just lost it and unleashed all my anger and all my hurt about everything she had done. i was sobbing and barely making sense but i couldn’t just keep letting my life carry on this way.

i wish i remembered how the phone call ended, but all i remember was telling her “if the cats run and we can’t find them, then we are done being roommates.”

the next morning i woke up and she had blocked me on everything. i drove to the apartment and saw that overnight, according to block times at like, 3am, she had taken all our shared furniture, all my birthday gifts from not two weeks prior, all the gifts i bought her, most of my clothes, one of the apartment keys, my high school diploma, the paperwork for the cats, and not just our two shared kittens, but my third roommates cat as well.

cue search party with my partner and his friends and my other roommate for P and the cats. i found her at her house with her mom and boyfriend. i walked out and she was on the phone with my grandfather, telling him i was threatening suicide. i ask her where the cats are, she says they are at a friends house.

if we flashback in the story, we literally only had each other, so i knew it was a lie.

i managed to argue through to negotiate at least my other roommates cat, but only after P’s mom blocked us in the driveway and called the police saying we threatened her daughter

(reminder people in this group were black and asian ☺️ so she just calls the cops fall 2020)

luckily the cops saw the proof she blocked me so i couldn’t have threatened her, and let us leave.

that’s the end of the friendship. i could bore anyone who has read this far further by explaining the nightmare realm that is the legal troubles with the apartment, but the internet doesn’t need to know everything does it?

as the winter has gone on i’ve had months to basically remake myself as a person. i had to firstly face the damage P had done.

but before i get into that, anyone who is still reading first, ily, but also, if you’ve had ANY relationship that sounds similar to this, THAT IS ABUSE.

Plain and simple. It is abusive. Physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally. nobody deserves that. not P. not you. not me.

friendships can be all someone has. not everyone is born into good families with loving siblings and great parents and tons of cousins who live .3 milliseconds away. families are divided. families, like mine, are divorced. families are broken and families sometimes aren’t even families. humans need relationships, and an idealistic person who we think maybe could save us and fix the world, won’t.

you can be taken advantage of by the person you trust the most just as easily as a stranger.

it’s not wrong to face the abuse they put you through, know it was wrong, and feel valid that it is was wrong.

what i went through with P was horrible. the detachment of my only friend hurt. but i bounced back. i’m still undoing some of the damage, but i have great friends and a wonderful partner. i have two rescue cats who mean the world to me.

life gets better after abuse, but the bad days and the pain aren’t invalid because of this. i have trauma from what P put me through. abandonment like that is traumatic. but it’s not the end. feel what you need to feel to feel better.

if anyone read this far and wants to vent their own experiences, or share more advice on preventing these relationships feel free. it’s almost 1:30 now, i should go to bed.

it feels good to get that off my chest.

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adhdtoomanycommas · 4 years

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Emotional Abuse and ADHD

Ok, first real post on the ADHD sideblog, so lets dive straight into the heavy stuff. TW/CW for emotional abuse, gaslighting, and probably some other things too (please feel free to let me know if I should add additional tags).

I had trouble sleeping last night because my brain kept insisting I needed to start this blog, like immediately, despite it being clearly not an opportune time to do anything of the sort. Or at least, it insisted, I needed to jot down all the essay/ramble/whatever topic ideas I had complicated thoughts on so I could start the blog today. I managed to resist doing both of those things, and get to sleep eventually, but here I am. The first topic that brought this on was wanting to talk about my experience in an emotionally abusive relationship and how many aspects of that were exacerbated by various symptoms of my (then undiagnosed) ADHD.

I’m going to assume a certain amount of baseline familiarity with some terminology and whatnot here, if you’re confused by any of the ADHD terms I use here I recommend heading over to theadhdmanual.com and reading their very helpful “three pillars” articles which do a great job of explaining Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and emotional hyperarrousal (also elsewhere called emotional disregulation, I’ll be using both terms interchangably but won’t be abbreviating the latter for hopefully obvious reasons). On the emotional abuse terminology front, there’s a couple great articles on gaslighting on everydayfeminism.com that I recommend seeking out.

It is possible I am slightly stalling here by providing all this context.

At this point damn near ten years ago, for most of my senior year of college and for a good few months afterwards (I don’t remember how long exactly since adhd brains suck at timelines and I don’t feel like logicing it out right now) I was in what I later realized (with help from the aforementioned everydayfeminism articles) was an emotionally abusive relationship. My then-boyfriend, who I will call Al, was insecure and jealous. I had more sexual experience than him going into the relationship, and he used that as an excuse to guilt-trip, manipulate, and ultimately control me. I realize now, that the primary weapon he would use against me was my own RSD.

Whenever I did something that upset Al, (typical infractions included things like accidentally mentioning one of my exes, correcting him about something, “flirting with” --read: talking to-- any of my friends who were more my friend than his, or singing along to music) he would generally make his displeasure known by ignoring me--withdrawing all physical affection, coupled with the silent treatment. If you’re familiar with RSD, you can already guess how effective this was. If you’re not, then for comparison you should know that ADHD people can spiral very quickly into completely irrational “they hate me, don’t they?” thought spiral from something as small as a delayed text. Al would almost never tell me what I did to upset him, and in my guilt-spiral I would usually tearfully beg forgiveness for everything I could think of until I guessed correctly and/or he arbitrarily decided I’d had enough.

As an aside, he would often do this silent treatment toward me in public while being perfectly cheerful and whatnot with our other friends, often making it seem to others like he was just joking or messing with me. On one memorable occasion he refused to say anything to me but the word “spoon” with varying inflections for the better part of a day--a pretty skillful gaslight because to everyone else around this just seemed like goofy ol’ Al being his silly self, but from context I knew this was part of a punishment, and I couldn’t express any kind of being upset about this, even annoyance, without looking like I was overreacting to a dumb joke.

Ultimately much of what he actually did (or didn’t do) in public didn’t look like much to an outside observer, but he knew my (RSD fueled) insecurity would make it hurt, especially when I wouldn’t be able to address anything with him until we were in private later.

Also (and I intend to write a whole different post about this later) my particular brand of emotional disregulation takes the form of crying extremely easily. I cry when I’m sad, when I’m tired, when I’m happy, when I see something too cute to handle, and (most importantly, in this instance) when I’m angry. Because of this, every time I tried to address some relationship concern I had with him, whenever I tried to call out some of his shitty behavior or bring attention to my own emotional needs, it was extremely difficult--nigh impossible--to do so without crying. This gave him a massive amount of gaslighting ammunition--it made it very easy for him to say I was overreacting, overemotional, irrational, trying to manipulate him, et cetera. And it was hard to defend myself against that, even to myself. After all, lacking the ADHD diagnosis and resources about emotional disregulation that I have now, I had pretty much internalized the idea that I’m just “oversensitive” when it comes to crying, so I rationalized that I was also being oversensitive about whatever concern I started with in the first place. So every time a conversation started with me telling him he hurt me some way, it inevitably ended with me apologizing to him instead of the other way around.

Just to add to the already nasty cycle, Al also considered crying over something he didn’t deem worth crying over a punishable offense, so it often triggered the previously discussed silent treatment.

A third aspect of ADHD I haven’t discussed yet also played a major part in how I was abused--Memory. I don’t have a good resource to link on this one (I’m pretty sure there are some good howtoadhd videos on it on youtube but I’m not going to go dig for them right now), but ADHD people, on the whole, have terrible memories, especially short term/working memory. Mine in particular might be even worse for some kinds of things for unrelated reasons (aphantasia, which I might write about later but this is already really long and it’s not actually that relevant here).

Al was perpetually convinced that I was cheating on him, and any time we were apart he would quiz me afterwards on where exactly I was, what I did, for how long, and in what order. Any inconsistency in my account, or any “I don’t remember”s would mean he would accuse me of lying about the whole thing. I am pretty sure I have in common with most ADHD people that between time blindness and bad working memories, giving a consistent and accurate account like that is basically impossible, so this rarely went well for me. Just to further complicate matters, being accused of lying when I’m not is practically guaranteed to make me cry, and trying to keep from crying (to avoid angering him further) means I swallow a lot, and somewhere Al had heard that excessive swallowing is a sign that someone is lying, so again these various ADHD symptoms would combine to just make everything worse.

I eventually got out of that relationship, and not too long afterwards got together with my now-husband, who is wonderful, so that’s a happy ending. Getting diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago, learning about these symptoms, and figuring all this out has made this make much more sense to me than before. But in addition to my ADHD symptoms making me more vulnerable to these emotional abuse tactics, I’m pretty sure the leftover baggage from the emotional abuse may have made those very same ADHD symptoms worse, and while my new meds seem to help immensely with the executive disfunction aspects of ADHD, they don’t do a damn thing about RSD spirals or emotional disregulation. Healing and processing it all is slow going, but it has gotten a lot better over the years, and knowing now that even another aspect of this isn’t my fault helps too. And taking my meds today did help me motivate myself to write all this out, so maybe that will help as well.

I’m not sure what the takeaway is here, other than I strongly suggest everyone learn what gaslighting and emotional abuse in general looks like, but especially if you have ADHD or suspect you might have ADHD because we might be more vulnerable to being on the receiving end of it than most people. If anything I talked about here sounds a little too familiar, I strongly recommend reading up on gaslighting, and consider getting the heck away from anyone who sounds too much like Al. Maybe us ADHDers will inevitably get into some nasty thought-spirals or bad emotional places sometimes, maybe we’ll cry over nothing or worry too much that something we said will make everyone hate us, but if anyone tries to use any of that against you, uses it to get you to do what they want, or intentionally makes you feel worse, they’re not someone worth being around, and I promise you deserve better.

Not sure if anyone will read this, much less any fellow ADHDers because yeah, it’s a big ol’ wall of text and I get that can be hard, but if you made it this far, thanks for listening and I’ll try to go not quite so heavy with my next post, (assuming, of course, that I have a next post and this blog doesn’t become yet another started-and-abandoned project).

That’s all for now.

#adhd #actuallyadhd #rsd problems #emotional abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw emotional manipulation #gaslighting #tw gaslighting

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misssophiachase · 5 years

Note

If you're still taking mini prompts....Klaus and Caroline have been flirting with each other for a while. Her BFF Katherine tells her "Either you like the guy or you don't. Just don't lead him on if this isn't going anywhere." (Or something along those lines).

Hey anon, thanks so much for the prompt. It’s a little different but hope you still like it : ) It’s a little angsty fyi.

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart

“Where’s the hottie?” Katherine asked, just loud enough for everyone in the building to hear.

“Shhhh,” she warned, sending her best friend a dirty look. “How about we tell the whole world what we’re talking about in here?”

“Well, that would be a start,” she murmured, taking a seat on the bed. “How long are you going to lead him on, Care? Because now it’s just getting old and a little bit ridiculous given he’s absolutely gorgeous and so into you.”

“There’s more to someone than just looks,” she reasoned, but as she said it aloud Caroline knew he was the complete package.

Bastard.

How dare he be so perfect?

Although there was that arrogant smirk he insisted on flashing in tandem with those dimples. But if anything it only elevated her temperature, her heart rate and caused tingles where they hadn’t ventured in a long time.

Bastard.

“Can you hear yourself?” She groaned. “Most women would kill for Klaus Mikaelson to visit them everyday and bring them flowers and serenade them and read to them and…”

“Did I hear my name being used in vain?” He joked, popping his head into the room. “And I may not have a medical degree but probably best you take a breath Katherine.”

“Do you always eavesdrop on other people’s conversations, Mikaelson?”

“Only when they’re as interesting as yours, love,” he winked, making his way into the room with a hamper he set down and producing yet another bunch of white roses. She really shouldn’t have told him they were her favourites. “And to answer your question Katherine, only one woman has killed for me.”

“I’ll bite,” Caroline offered. “What kind of crazed fans do you have?”

“Someone burned a voodoo doll of my ex and kindly sent me the video of the massacre in all its wax-melting glory. I thought it took all kinds of commitment and originality actually.”

“I’ll bet your ex thought so too,” Kat shot back. “Why can’t people just be normal crazy?”

“Is there such a thing?” Caroline teased, secretly wishing she’d had time to shower this morning or at least brush her hair.

Given Klaus Mikaelson had become a semi-regular she should have known he’d show up but at the same time she wasn’t trying to lead him on, in fact she was trying to do the exact opposite. It was for the best, nothing good could ever come of it. She didn’t even know Klaus Mikaelson a month ago after all.

No stranger to hospitals, Caroline had been admitted four weeks ago. She’d been diagnosed with a heart condition when she was just a child and while many people could live with Dilated Cardiomyopathy without much incident recent checkups and associated symptoms had confirmed the worst.

Her heart was becoming weaker everyday, unable to pump blood as fast as normal. Caroline’s only hope was a heart transplant but the list was long and her time unfortunately not long enough.

Although Caroline had grown up in Houston, her parents wanted the best health specialists in the country so they’d moved to Los Angeles two years ago.

Although he seemed a little stuffy at first, Cedars-Sinai heart surgeon extraordinaire Dr Elijah Mikaelson had actually become one of her favourite people even if Kat didn’t see it. He and her best friend had spared on more than a few occasions in a weird competition to prove who was more protective.

It was kind of cute to watch, Caroline just hoped they’d admit their burgeoning feelings before she had to break up too many more fights.

It was on his more recent rounds that Elijah turned up with his brother, and famous Hollywood actor, Klaus. Of course she knew they were related but seeing him in the hospital was completely unexpected. Caroline wasn’t celebrity crazed like Katherine but it was difficult not to be given how good he looked in such close proximity.

Elijah had explained that his brother had insisted on shadowing him for a week in preparation for a new role on a television series called The Resident and basically just to ignore him. Easier said than done she thought as his crimson lips broke into a small smile by way of a greeting.

It was also difficult given he insisted on talking during Elijah’s consult. Caroline had to admit it was funny to watch the two brothers interact who were obviously poles apart in the personality department.

His week’s research turned into a longer stint. But rather than following Elijah around the hospital he usually spent his time by her bedside. Caroline felt like she’d known him forever given the easy rapport they developed hence why it was so difficult now.

He’d asked her out the other day, said he wanted to take her to his favourite part of the city when she was better. It was then Caroline realised Klaus didn’t understand that she would probably never be better again.

“So, I’m going to go find Elijah,” Katherine interrupted her thoughts, sensing the mood in the room. “His standard of care for you today is below average.”

“When are those two going to realise they like each other?” Klaus asked, placing his flowers in a nearby vase as she left the room.

“Hopefully in my lifetime,” she joked. “At least that doesn’t give them much time to avoid it.”

“Why do you say that?” He asked, his hand finding hers immediately, the warmth spreading through her body.

“Say what?”

“You act like it’s all over, like there’s nothing left that can be done. Elijah tells me what with advances in modern medicine and…”

“I don’t need modern medicine Klaus, I need a heart, mine is broken,” she whimpered, attempting to pull her hand away but his grip only tightened.

“And you’ll get one,” he insisted, moving closer and smoothing her hair with his free hand.

“And how exactly do you know that? This isn’t one of your acting roles Klaus, this is real life.”

“Because I refuse to accept anything else,” he baulked. “I’m kind of stubborn like that just ask Elijah, oh and about keeping my dates. Which reminds me, I have a little surprise for you.”

“Klaus we can’t go out…”

“Who says we’re going anywhere? I’m bringing the city to you, love,” he smiled squeezing her hand and producing the nearby hamper. She watched in awe as he produced her favourite tacos from the truck near her house and La La Land on DVD.

“Wow, this is impressive,” she grinned, suddenly feeling somewhat better. “You told me you hated musicals?”

“Anything for you, Caroline,” he murmured, taking her hand and placing it on his heart. “And, by the way, your heart isn’t broken, it’s just suffering from a temporary setback.”

“Is that your professional medical opinion, Doctor?” She teased, the intimacy of the moment not lost on Caroline.

“Of course,” he grinned. “Elijah isn’t the only medical specialist in this family, I have been at it for a few weeks now.”

“So, in your expert opinion, what course of treatment do you suggest?”

“Well, I’d suggest not getting too excited,” he teased, given the way his chest felt Caroline figured that was impossible. “And you’re more than welcome to borrow some of my heart in the meantime, I have more than enough to go around.”

Turns out he did. And just as Klaus had insisted all those months ago Caroline did get her new heart but she held onto his anyway just as he did hers.

#Don't Go Breaking My Heart #misssophiachase #klaroline drabbles #thanks anon #klaroline

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throwawayaccountsworld-blog · 5 years

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My Ex Boyfriend

TW: Transphobia, ableism, fatphobia, bodyshaming, victim blaming, domestic abuse, death, suicide, self harm, eating disorders, gaslighting

This isn’t a “tell me to dump him” post, he already dumped me and I’m mostly just venting and laying my cards on the table, I’m sorry for how long it is but I wanted to give full context to everything, tl;dr at the bottom.

I won’t go through the entire history of my relationship with my ex (mostly because we’d be here for hours) but we were together for 4 years, when we first met I was 19 and he was in his 30’s and we hit it off right away, I’d never actually wanted to date anyone before I got talking with him (I felt that between my Asperger’s syndrome how my mood often was that I was too damaged) but for the first three years we were great together, things weren’t perfect but he made me happy and I thought I’d done the same for him.

Anyway right after we got together my sister died due to a genetic disorder and in the process I lost my best (and at the time my only) friend, I’d planned my entire life around her and suddenly I had to accept that I’d lost her, I spent a lot of nights lying awake and thinking about how I should have died instead (I know now that that’s unhealthy and that it isn’t rational to think like that) He was amazing during this, he was so understanding, so emotionally available and he’d listen to me for hours and hours as I talked, it was during this period that I realized I’d started slowly fallen in love with him.

Three years in I was in my final year of university and I got a call from my boyfriend, his mother had taken her own life, understandably he was devastated, he’d been her carer for years and we’d all wanted to believe she was making progress with her mental health. I booked a train up to be with him immediately.

I spent six weeks in a different country with him as he grieved, tried to make sense of why she’d done what she did and helped to arrange her funeral as well as settle any accounts she had left, it was a stressful time in our relationship but I was determined that I was going to support him just like he’d supported me.

During this period my boyfriend started to become very short tempered with me, he’d shout at me (usually for putting my foot in it and saying the wrong thing) but given what had just happened it was understandable, he’d just lost his mother in arguably one of the worst ways, and to make it worse he found her body so I quickly forgave him during this period.

It was during this period that I’d finally come to terms with the fact that I was transgender, I’d spent years fighting the way that I felt because I didn’t want to be a burden to my family or to my boyfriend but after a lot of soul searching I knew I had to tell my boyfriend about it, his mother had left a note and a lot of what she said was scarily relatable to me, I felt that if I didn’t get this off my chest then I may have ended up going the same way. I was terrified but I sat him down and explained how I felt and he was extremely understanding, he told me he loved me, that he’d love me no matter what I did and that he’d be right there to support me because we were partners, I knew then for sure that what we had was real.

The funeral came and went, it was an extremely emotional day for everyone and when it was over I went to give him a hug, he’d handled the funeral well but I thought he’d need the support, instead of hugging me back he pushed me off of him and said he wanted a drink, I was a bit hurt by this but I figured that he was just grieving so I decided to try and make sure he didn’t drink too much. Anyway he ended up drinking sixteen beers and calling me a “miserable Debby downer” in front of his family (I’d been diagnosed with major depressive disorder a few months back) and it stung, I tried to tell myself that he was drunk, probably thought it was just crude humor and would apologize in the morning (he didn’t)

The day before I was due to head home he decided to get drunk again, this time on a full bottle of whiskey, at first he was laughing, joking and it was all fun, then he started doing karaoke which was still fine although I was worried about the neighbors but overall everything was fine, then when we were getting ready for bed he wanted to wrestle (he’d occasionally do this to me but I was always fine with it, he was gentle and it was more of a mess around than anything) anyway he ended up putting me in a headlock and then he applied a lot of pressure, I remember trying to get him to stop but he kept going for another seven seconds before letting go and passing out.

I lay up most of the night trying to rationalize what had happened just then, he’d always stopped when I wanted him to in the past, and he’d always been gentle but just then he’d hurt me, I remember bringing it up to him in the morning and he said he didn’t remember doing that to me and that I probably misread the situation, I ended up agreeing with him before heading home.

During my stay with my boyfriend I’d put on some weight (about 14lbs) and he mentioned it to me when I was skyping with him, he said it didn’t look good with the clothes I was wearing now and that I’d look better if I dropped some weight (he kept making fat pig comments that were framed as jokes but they hurt honestly) I felt so self conscious over it that I used my student loan to get a personal trainer to help me drop the weight, instead I ended up eating under 500 calories a day and working out for three hours a day without the PT knowing, I dropped 4 stone in two months and while I felt that I looked great looking back I can see this wasn’t healthy, when my PT found out how I’d shifted the weight he was horrified and basically forced me to get help.

Around about this time I became friends with a guy I’d met via some charity work, I’ll call him Lee. Anyway me and Lee had a lot of the same hobbies and we both had major depressive disorder, he was someone I could talk to about the thoughts I was having (my boyfriend would always shut down any conversation about my mental state by bringing up the fact that his mother had major depressive disorder and that he couldn’t bare to talk about me taking my own life)

Around Christmas I ended up heading up to visit my boyfriend for a while, I’d done this every year and I felt that he could use the emotional support given that it was the first Christmas without his mother, when I got there he seemed strained and like he didn’t know how to interact with me, I found this odd but I didn’t think much of it, I figured that he was probably just upset given that it was the first Christmas since his mother passed away and that I’d do whatever I could to support him.

Anyway we got back to his house and the first thing he said to me was that I looked “pudgy” and that he didn’t like that I had to “dress like that” when coming to see him (I was wearing a pea coat, jeans and a pair of kitten heels)

I felt incredibly hurt by this and I told him as much, I told him that it was fucked up to say that when I’d travelled all that way to see him and then the whole thing descended into a screaming match where we ended up sitting in separate rooms crying.

About an hour later his sister showed up, they got into an argument, he said something truly disgusting (I’m not going to repeat it) and she left in tears, I was horrified and told him as much when he snapped at me for being “all buddy buddy” with his sister which lead to another argument, during this he grabbed me by the arms, rammed me into the wall and screamed in my face that I was a “pathetic sperg and that I was lucky he put up with me, anyone else would have dumped me” before leaving, I spent an hour in a heap on the floor crying that night.

Once I’d regained my composure I ended up confiding in Lee about what had happened and how I was feeling (whilst omitting the wall ramming) and he insisted on paying for a hotel if my boyfriend kicked me out (he’d threatened to do that at one point) along with a ticket back home, but then he cried and I ended up caving and forgiving him, but I was both frightened and angry at him still.

After I went home he started to complain about me hanging out with Lee, he started to accuse Lee of wanting to break us up, that I was interested in him and that he wasn’t going to stand for it, he said some pretty messed up stuff about Lee which I tried to ignore, but during this Lee found out about the issues in my relationship and blamed himself, he ended up self harming and drinking due to how bad he felt over the situation, as you can imagine I was horrified that my friend had done this because of me and my drama.

Anyway this all lead up to my graduation, my boyfriend had come down and he’d spent the whole time complaining and telling me how I’d put on so much weight, how I didn’t pass, how my outfits looked bad and how I hadn’t made any effort for him (I’d spent two weeks deep cleaning my apartment, bought in all his favourite food, got him an outfit for my graduation at his request and agreed to do anything he’d wanted)

Right after my graduation ceremony he nothing short of frog marched me into a taxi to get back to my place, I didn’t get to say “hi” to any of my friends and I didn’t get the chance to tell my mother what was happening before I was gone, anyway once we were home he stripped off, went to the bathroom but left his phone open when a message came through and I know what I did next was wrong but I read it, I know that was bad of me but I couldn’t help it.

He’d been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend (who he told me he was just friends with) for a year, right after I went home from supporting him during his mothers funeral he started having an affair, I can’t begin to tell you how I felt in that moment, initially I felt nothing, it didn’t seem real, I quickly deleted the message she’d sent (a simple “hey x”) and closed the phone.

It wasn’t until after he’d gone home and we were skyping that it came up, he told me he was dumping me, that she was pregnant, that I was a pathetic fat tranny who would never pass, that my sister was lucky because she got to get away from me and that I was a sperg who used my condition for sympathy, then he hung up and left me sat there on my own in the middle of the night.

I ended up drinking through all of the alcohol in my apartment before deliberately burning myself on the oven, I was crying the whole time, I sent him a long, rambling text saying that we could make it work, I’d drop the weight, I wouldn’t transition, I’d never talk about my conditions ever again if we could just go back to the way we were but he only responded by saying I was the reason his mother killed herself and that he wished I would “do the world a favour and jump”

I’m doing better now, me and Lee got together recently and I feel that this relationship is a lot healthier than what I had before, I suppose I’m just putting this out there to try and move on so that I can give him the better parts of myself, my ex and I reconnected on a distant basis recently, he’s ok, the ex of his is ok, he’s sorry but we both agreed to never date each other again.

Tl;dr – boyfriend dumped me for the woman he cheated on me with for a year and almost made me kill myself.

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roswelldetails · 5 years

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Episode 107: I Saw the Sign - details

Episode Summary Liz splits her time between working in the lab and hanging out with Mama Deluca, Maria, and Alex. Max storms around angry most of the episode, and Michael is just trying to be there for Isobel. Meanwhile, Mimi Deluca is saying a bunch of stuff that could be true, or could be a Will Smith movie.

Details - this is not an exhaustive list of every single detail, just just a few that might be important now or later.

Flashback to alien autopsy July 17, 1947 (Original crash in Episode one was June 14, 1947)

This body does not look decomposed at all, but it’s been a month since the crash.

Lt. Colonel Harlan Manes, acting director of Project Shepherd is overseeing the autopsy.

Or maybe “autopsy” isn’t the right word since they basically say they’re going to tear the body apart and catolog everything.

It looks like a female human body with the face and most other parts covered.

The body has what looks like a scar of the alien symbol on the left hand.

AND some kind of organ or device they pull out of the stomach that has a glowing thing in it.

At Max’s house

Max and Cam slept together, but he’s surprised to see she stayed the night. He has to get up to have his “mental fitness” evaluated by “a suit”

Max tells her he’s “latrophobic” proving once again what a nerd he is because he could’ve just said he’s afraid of doctors.

Manes has texted Cam asking if she’s on board to help him gather intel.

At the bar

Mimi Deluca walks in while Maria is training someone to work at the bar.

Mimi says, “The aliens are here. they have been for years, they've been hiding in plain sight. I’ve seen their ship glowing in the night.”

At the police station

Liz gives her statement to Cam again, but doesn’t give away an alien details. She claims not to know what Wyatt was talking about when he asked her who she told. She also says she didn’t call Max.

Meanwhile Max is trying to convince the suit to let him get back to work by being angry and telling him shooting Wyatt was justified. The suit is not impressed.

When Liz walks by Max without a word on her way out, he tells Cam “Liz Ortecho is my hurricane” because he’s nothing if not SUPER DRAMATIC.

Outside the police station

Liz runs into Isobel, and refuses to accept the apologies Isobel is trying to make. If she can’t even remember why she did it, how can she be sure she won’t do something like that again?

Isobel wants to know why she hasn’t told the cops yet - it’s been a week.

Liz says that there’s no justice for her family because if she reports anything it’ll lead back to her father and get him deported.

She also says that if Isobel hurts anyone now, it’s on her hands too because now she’s keeping their secret.

In the lab

Liz has been working and ignoring her friends, so Alex comes by to call her out on it. He asks if she’s talked to Maria about the stuff she’s been going through.

At the bar

Mimi is describing the movie Independence Day to Maria like it really happened, and when Maria tells her it’s only a movie she says, “Don’t be such a buzzkill, sweetheart.”

When Liz arrives, Mimi thinks she’s Rosa. When Maria tells her it’s Liz, she says she hasn’t seen her since high school.

Except... she wouldn’t have seen Rosa in just as long, on account of her being dead, and all.

We learn that at some point, Mimi used to talk Liz, Maria, and Alex to the drive-in every weekend.

At the airstream

Isobel is afraid she's gonna hurt someone else. She had a blackout last week so she's afraid she can't trust herself.

Michael is trying to reassure her that it’ll be fine, he’ll make sure nothing happens.

But Isobel says, "there's some thing inside of me that doesn't care what I believe. and I'm terrifed what it's gonna do next."

At the bar

Maria tells Liz that Mimi hasn’t been diagnosed with anything. The doctors can’t find anything wrong.

They’ve tested for various diseases of the brain, as well as toxins.

At the hospital

Max is angrily interrogating Wyatt even though he’s not technically on duty.

Wyatt claims to remember nothing about what happened. He says he drank, passed out, and woke up in the hospital.

Cam shoos Max out when it’s clear he’s not doing anything but being angry, and she asks Wyatt to write his statement out.

Instead, Wyatt absent-mindedly draws the alien symbol on the paper without looking down at it. But he says he doesn’t even know what it is.

At the diner

Mimi mistakes Liz for Rosa again, Maria goes to get some air and Liz follows, leaving Alex alone with her.

She says, “You have a worried face. You didn't use to have that face. You have a secret”

Alex answers that he’s already come out to her like 7 times.

Mimi tells him that his aura looks like his dad’s. She tells him, “I grew up with Jesse Manes and I knew the very day that he learned too much because he came to school with the darkest energy around him. Energy from another place.”

When Alex asks what place, she answers, “Something broke in this town once. Long ago. And the pieces shattered. We aren't meant to touch things from another world, Alex. The other world creeps into us and makes us ugly inside. Don't let it do to you what it did to your father. What it did to poor sweet Jimmy Valenti.”

When Alex asks about Jim Valenti, she tells him that he cheats on his wife. (Which now Alex knows to be true.)

At Max’s house

Michael is waiting for Max so they can talk about Isobel, but Max wants him to leave because he’s still super pissed that they drove Liz out of town.

Max tells Michael, “You are not my family. You are not my friend. So get off my property.”

When Michael says Isobel needs them, he tells him, “I'm pretty sure you two have been just fine figuring things out on your own, leaving me in the dark about my own life.”

Which is pretty ironic considering how Max acts later in this episode, trying to make decisions for Isobel.

When Michael tries to defend their decision, Max brings up Alex Manes, “What if it had been Alex manes? Hmm? What if the reason Alex left town that summer was me?"

Michael wants to know how long he’s known about that, but Max doesn’t answer him. So Michael admits that if Max had been the reason Alex went off to war, he’d hate him.

Noah comes over later when Max is arguing with the Sheriff over the phone, and wants to talk about Isobel.

Max is surprised to learn that Noah kicked her out, but tells Noah he’s probably better off.

Because he’s super mad at Isobel and Michael right now.

And apparently he’s been avoiding them all week.

At the drive-in

Mimi predicts that this year Alex will get a beagle.

When she does a reading on Liz, she mistakes her for Rosa again, and so Liz pretends to be Rosa and talks about how great her life has been the past ten years.

Later on, Mimi and Liz are talking, and again, Mimi thinks she’s talking to Rosa and asks, “What happened with the blonde? The rotten one. The one you said was hunting you? You said that you knew her secrets. She confessed something to you. It scared you. You wouldn't tell me what it was, but you said you were thinking about telling your father."

This leads Liz to believe that Rosa knew about Isobel being an alien.

Mimi continues talking to Liz saying, “Everything changed when Isobel told Rosa her secret, Liz. She was so scared. Rosa knew what I knew and the truth was terrifying.”

then she starts describing Independence Day

Liz has to run to the lab, but Maria asks her to meet up with them at Sunset Mesa Assisted Living instead of back at the drive-in.

At Max’s house

Noah calls Max and informs him that if he goes after Wyatt, the lawyers will dig into Max and the people he cares about, and learn that he’s been protecting Arturo instead of reporting him to ICE.

Max is... of course... super angry about that.

Later on, Cam comes over to drop off Max’s stuff and calls off their booty calls forever.

They have beer together outside, and Cam tells the story of her sister Charlie getting into trouble and getting locked up. She then tries to get Max to talk about his alien symbol tattoo.

But Max insists that it’s just something that has no meaning that he used to doodle as a kid.

When she shows him that Wyatt drew the symbol on a paper instead of writing his statement, he storms off to try to choke the life out of him.

Because he’s angry.

At the hospital

Max arrives to choke Wyatt and accuse him of coming after Liz to get to him.

But Liz interrupts him and takes him back to her lab to question his character.

She points out that he’s a hypocrite to go after Wyatt while letting Isobel free.

When he sees vials of his blood, she admits that she’s working on a serum to neutralize alien powers to protect against Isobel because she’s dangerous and something has to be done.

Guess what Max is? Yes, he’s angry. He storms off.

At the airstream

Max apologizes to Michael for throwing Alex in his face and then wants to talk about Isobel.

He suggests to Michael that they leave and start over somewhere else because Liz is making a poison to protect herself and they have no way of knowing if Isobel is going to try to kill someone again.

Because apparently making decisions for someone else is okay, as long as your name is Max Evans and you believe you’re right. I see you, Max.

Isobel emerges from the airstream like a queen and tells them to stop making decisions for her. From now on, she’s going to make her own decisions because they suck at it.

She thinks Liz is right about her being dangerous, and wants to make sure that she can’t hurt anyone. Running isn’t the answer since whatever is in her will still be with her wherever she goes.

At the hospital

Isobel is being put on a temporary psych hold and she’ll be locked up so she won’t be able to hurt anyone.

Apparently Kyle helped Max arrange it because he owes him.

Later, we see Noah show up because Max called him.

Noah tells Max he won’t give up on his wife.

At the bar

Michael needs a drink but the bar is closed. Maria lets him stay for one drink and no talking.

She starts to cry, and Michael side-hugs her.

At the lab

Max goes back to the lab to tell Liz that they’ve locked Isobel up for now, so there’s no need to poison her.

Liz says she’s going to get rid of the serum because she wants to help people with science and not hurt them.

Max tells her that’s a mistake and says, “Maybe you can figure out a way to end all this. Make us normal. You were right earlier. Isobel's dangerous. We all are. My sense of fairness and justice does not apply to my family. I thought I was more principled than that, but the three of us are all alone together. And I can't give up on them, ever. But if something happens and I can't protect you and Isobel at the same time, you should have a way to protect yourself.”

At the police station

Cam is looking at the photos of the lightning burns on the transformers from the blackout and remembers the mark Max made at the hospital.

She also looks at the alien symbol Wyatt drew.

Then she texts Manes and tells him to look into Max Evans.

#roswell new mexico #max evans #liz ortecho #isobel evans #michael guerin #alex manes #mimi deluca #maria deluca #episode 107 #details #roswell nm season 1

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spoonie-life-hacks · 7 years

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Advice For Trying To Get A Diagnosis #65

This post will cover some advice on what to do when trying to help your doctor figure out your diagnosis, and for when you want to bring up a specific condition to your doctor. This is long but I’ve separated the subjects so that you can read what you want with ease and skip what doesn’t apply. Bare in mind that there are many brilliant doctors but there are unfortunately some unfair ones too. This will include ways to deal with the less fair ones.

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List all symptoms = More time, more understanding, more accurate diagnosis. The best thing to do for either situation is to write a list of ALL symptoms. That means that if you think you have a complex condition, write every minor symptom. Having the ‘less important’ symptoms may actually help you get an accurate diagnosis. It also gives your doctor a much better understanding of your health while also saving time to get more done in your appointment. It can prevent miscommunication or misunderstanding and it prevents you forgetting any symptoms. I’m not kidding, multiple doctors I’ve had said that they really appreciate it because it makes their job easier.

For example, if a person believes they have Aspergers syndrome, there is a lot to write down. They could write or remember a short list of the basics i.e. “social anxiety and confusion, bowel issues, etc” OR they could write a longer list of the small and weird things like “certain fabrics are unbearable, I accidentally offend people, etc”. All those little details support an argument for one condition while cancelling out others.

It’s very important though that you highlight the most troubling symptoms for you (or highlight what ever symptoms you want your doctor to pay more attention to). You also need to make the list easy to quickly skim read. So try to just use simple words on the list and save any explaining for you to do yourself. This makes sure that your doctor won’t miss the important parts. It’s also great for impatient doctors as they may choose to just read the highlighted parts.

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Info other than symptoms? Have you always had some symptoms? Did the symptoms suddenly or gradually appear or worsen? Do symptoms fluctuate and vary? Does anything make you feel better or worse? Do your symptoms affect any major parts of your life? Is there anything else that may be important?

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A symptom log will help your doctor see your daily health. Symptom logs are a brilliant way to get your doctor to understand your day to day symptoms and how they affect you. If your doctor doesn’t take you too seriously for whatever reason, a symptoms log helps here too. Click here to see how symptom logs can help you as well as how quick and easy they can be.

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Cue cards to keep you on track in your appointment. If you get anxiety or forgetful, it can help to make yourself cue cards for your appointment. Just a piece of paper that can remind you what you wanted to get done in this appointment. I sometimes do this with some basic bullet points and it really has helped.

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Medical history. Do you have anything in your medical history that could be referenced? Any blood test results? Any A&E/ER trips that are worth mentioning? Anything like that?

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Do you find you are not taken seriously? It might sound odd but if you feel you aren’t taken seriously by your doctor, it can help to bring another person. If you are young, it can help to bring someone older and if you are female, it could help to bring a male with you if possible. Many people that are stereotyped by some doctors have been ignored up until they bring a person along who is more respected/taken seriously. Some doctors look at certain people and assume that they exaggerate or want attention. It’s wrong but unfortunately a real problem.

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Invisible illness issues? If you have an invisible illness, it can help to have a witness. Many doctors have scoffed when I tell them how I dislocated something or when I just try to tell them information about my condition they aren’t aware of. Multiple times though they instantly believe it all if a person with me just says ‘she’s telling the truth’.

Also-

If you have an invisible illness, you can try to carry a form of proof. I have a letter from another doctor that explains what’s wrong with me. I had some minor proof before but asked this doctor is she could do it and she completely understood why. You could also ask for a copy of your medical record and use something from that. You could take a picture or video if a symptom is only sometimes visible (like a dislocation, a heart beating in some wrong way). It may help to invest in something simple like a blood pressure cuff that you can photograph.

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Don’t act smarter than your doctor or upset their ego. If you have a condition in mind, it’s wise to not insist that you are definitely right. There is always a chance that you could be wrong no matter how confident you are. If you don’t think that is possible or your doctor mistakenly thinks this about you, they are likely to take your judgement less seriously. Say ‘I think’ or ‘I believe’ rather than ‘I know’.

There are also doctors that get irritated or even offended when you act like you know better. Sometimes a patient will know better. Example: A general doctor likely won’t know as much about an uncommon condition as the person suffering from it (as we often want to learn more ourselves or learn from specialists). Try to make sure you ask your doctor ‘what do you think about this?’ when making suggestions.

I usually tell my doctor that I have a condition in mind. I then explain that it’s a common result of another condition that I have (always is the case). I then explain the symptoms. And I present this as a question, not a statement or demand. Like ‘I think this could be the answer but what do you think of this?

—–

Do you think you have a certain condition? If you have a condition in mind, explain why this is. Is it some specific symptoms that make you especially confident? Have you spoken with another professional or a diagnosed person? Is there a connection to an already diagnosed condition? It could help if your doctor understands.

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That’s what I have for now. I will tidy this up at some point. Do you think I’ve missed anything? Let me know! And if there’s anything you don’t understand, let me know so I can fix it (my brain is fizzled as always).

~Amber

#spoonie life hacks #spoonie problems #spoonie life #spoonie hacks #spoonie #spoons #no spoons #disability #condition #disabled #disabilties #diagnosis #self diagnosis #self diagnosed #doctors #symtoms

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ingridgovaninsights · 7 years

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The Elliott Chapters- Part 2

When I pulled up in my driveway, I was completely sober. For one, I don’t drink and drive, and besides, I don’t ever drink enough to get drunk. It’s just not something that I do. I don’t like the fact that it makes people sloppy and clumsy and do things they normally wouldn’t… it’s distasteful.

But Victoria came running out of the house, looking absolutely mad, like insane mad. She banged on my window until I rolled it down.

“You’re wasted, aren’t you?” she cried.

“What? No, not at all,” I said. “You know me… I don’t do that, Victoria.”

“You had me so worried! Do you even check your phone? Where were you? I was so worried you wouldn’t come home. You know that right, I worry for your safety?”

I got out of the car, and she was all over me in an instant. She had her arms wrapped around me, and she was practically falling into me. She was smelling my hair.

“What are you doing?” I asked, trying to gently push her away from me.

“Don’t push me!” she cried. “I just wanna hug you.”

“Are you drunk?” I asked, noticing her words were slurring and her movements were quite messy. “You really shouldn’t become intoxicated with the medication you’re on.”

“Relax, relax,” she slurred. “It’s only once in a while. I just needed a drink to calm down, I was so worried sick. Sometimes you really make me go crazy, Elliott.”

“Sure,” I said, taking her arm and trying to help her inside.

Victoria nearly tripped up the steps. She was clearly wasted. Yeah, just needed a drink. I was upset with her- not because she was wasted, but because she was so goddamn overbearing about everything. I had no room to breathe. Yet somehow I was still alive.

She plopped down onto the couch, giggling and playing with the drawstrings on her hoodie. I went to go make her a coffee; hopefully it would help her sober up. I tried to drown out her obnoxious giggling.

“So you never told me where you went,” Victoria went on. “Where were you? Who were you with? Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

“You’re like the mother I never had,” I said sarcastically.

***

I was never a “typical” kid, but I suppose a lot of people might want to say that in an effort to sound unique or to gain sympathy. I am not just saying this- it’s simply the truth. And I don’t expect a pity party or a pat on the back. But for people to further understand me, I have to explain my story, or else they’ll just be freaked out by me.

When I was in kindergarten, my mother was diagnosed with MS, which is multiple sclerosis. It is an autoimmune disease that targets the central nervous system, and eventually it becomes quite debilitating. The news came as a shock to my family, as my mother was a generally healthy individual. She had simply gone to the doctors complaining of fatigue that never seemed to go away… she assumed maybe stress, or her new medication. It took a long time to get the diagnosis, but after several tests it was finally confirmed.

I was only four, so I don’t have a good recollection of anything from that time. I base this part of the story on what I’ve been told, what I know now, and maybe some old pictures. My father hesitantly talks about it, but my mother is always eager to speak on the topic. She’s become quite active in the community now, trying to increase the awareness on the disease, hoping someday there will be a cure. Well, great for her.

Anyways, being the young age I was, I couldn’t begin to comprehend that news at all. My father simply told me that mommy was sick, and it wasn’t the same as a cold where she would get better… it was just something we all had to work together to manage.

Manage. Meaning it wouldn’t go away; we’d just have to make the best of the situation.

Things were never quite the same after that. I really only had a few years of true childhood. They say to “let kids be kids”, but I never got to do that. And even if someone specifically told me to go be a kid and stop worrying, I would never quit trying to help out my mom. She gave me life, so I figured I owed her that much. I would do whatever she needed.

For a while she kept her job, and she was okay for the most part, with the exception of a few days where she’d need to call in because she felt so terrible. On those days, one of my older brothers stayed home from school to make her lunch and keep her comfortable. She usually didn’t eat; she’d stay curled up in a ball, with the TV on mute in the background.

Apparently, MS isn’t a very predictable disease. It can be hard to keep track of, and not everyone experiences it in the same way… often, it’s very unique to the individual. For my mother, she was mostly fine for about a year after diagnosis, and then she started to decline. Her fatigue was more intense, and she began to experience a lot of pain and weakness throughout her body. This made everyday tasks a struggle, and since my dad couldn’t just quit his job, me and my brothers had to help out a lot.

I have four siblings- two older brothers, Tom and Jake; and two younger brothers, Markus and Nathan. So I was right in the middle- in the middle of my line of siblings, as well as in the middle of this chaos. Unfortunately, life doesn’t usually work out flawlessly as we’d like, and my eldest brother, Tom, ended up turning to drugs as an escape from reality. He was never home, and never sober, so therefore never available to help out with my mom. Jake stuck around for most of his high school years, but when he started going steady with his girlfriend at the time, he slowly started to disappear. At first he just slept over at her place on weekends, and after a while he was basically living there. The fact was, nobody wanted to deal with it. We were only kids- how much could my parents expect us to handle?

My dad had a really good, stable job as a firefighter, but it was very physically demanding. He would come home from long shifts absolutely exhausted, and I honestly didn’t expect him to do much except put his feet up. After all, he earned it. With my mom no longer working, my dad had picked up even more hours- it wasn’t like my mom’s disability check would be enough. That is why as soon as I turned thirteen, I started looking around for work.

I was only in grade eight at the time, and most kids my age either didn’t have a job at all, or they had a paper route, something with little responsibility. While my classmates were running around outside playing football and obsessing over the newest video games- I could never get into video games- I was going through training for my first real job. I would be working at the coffee shop downtown that I so often visited. After all, the staff knew me well, and they knew I was reliable. I think most adults saw me as older than I was, because of the way I acted. Hell, I even looked older- these days, I never get carded for beer yet almost all of my colleagues would certainly be.

The training was easy, very straightforward. Any idiot could do it. You had to be able to clean things- wipe surfaces, sweep floors maybe- and you had to know how to pour various liquids into various sizes of cups. It wasn’t exactly rocket science; I couldn’t help but roll my eyes throughout most of it. Sometimes I would ask sarcastic questions, just to keep things lively.

“So, did you attend a college or university program to get to where you are now?” I would ask. “In the coffee pouring industry, I mean. It’s quite admirable.”

My managers would grin and shake their heads at me, and I know now that I was asking inappropriate questions, but I think they just tried to ignore it as best as they could, because they knew my mother was sick and they knew I would do a good job.

Who would turn down a young lad with a sick mother who was willing to work, no matter what the work was? I’m sure they felt bad for my family. But looking back, I’m glad they did, or else we wouldn’t have had the money that we needed to survive.

I worked as much as I was able to while balancing school and caring for my mother, which left no time for child’s play. I was probably the busiest thirteen year old around. I knew my mother was grateful for everything I did, but the problem was that she never showed it. My father never showed any appreciation, either, and I think their lack of love is what I’ll always remember the most vividly. If you love someone, you ought to show it, right? What the hell is there to lose? I don’t really understand why so many people are so afraid of being honest. Sometimes it feels I’m the only one without a filter, the only one with a “no bullshit” policy.

Maybe my mother was so focused on her illness that she forgot to thank me. Maybe my father was so focused on paying the bills that he forgot to acknowledge me. I don’t know. I can’t begin to imagine what’s going on in other people’s heads… if I start trying to mind read, I’ll drive myself crazy. I know this is something Charlotte suffers from, because she talks about it a lot. She used to always come to me with issues concerning Ross, her ex boyfriend…

“I bet he doesn’t really care about me,” she would say sadly. “He mustn’t love me. Why does he act this way? I guess maybe he acts jealous because he cares too much.”

Her stance on the Ross matter went from one extreme to another, and I could never keep up with the drama. I tried to stay neutral, while at the same time supportive, but I hated the bastard for fucking with her mind so much. I couldn’t help that.

Anyways. Enough about Charlotte. My mind keeps drifting there.

***

The night after my writing class, Victoria apologized for her childlike behaviour and insisted we have a date night to help mend things a little. I agreed- I figured dinner would be a good time to discuss some of the matters that had been floating around in my head.

We went to a small, local pizza place; in fact, the very one we went to on our first date. Victoria seemed a lot different then, but perhaps I was wearing some pretty big rose-colored glasses. I had missed all of the red flags in the rush to find love and most importantly, attention. When we met each other at the party we were both quite vulnerable, quite lost in our lives. It was made known to me that she suffered from bipolar disorder, which is okay, but the red flag was that she hardly took her medication. All of the things you miss when you have a hungry heart…

Victoria stared at me with wide eyes, putting on some sort of puppy dog face for me. What did she want me to do, console her? Apologize to her for going out and enjoying myself for once? Making a friend? Stay calm, Elliott.

“Elliott,” she said. “I’m glad we could go out tonight. I wasn’t sure if you’d be, you know, busy or something…”

“Busy with what?” I asked. “I told you I’d be free tonight; I’m a man of my word.”

“I don’t know, maybe hanging with Charlotte or something.” Victoria shrugged. “Just a wild guess. You have anything to say about that?”

“Victoria, this is supposed to be a nice evening,” I said calmly, “why do we have to discuss Charlotte right now? She’s not relevant.”

“I just want to know if you were planning to hang out with her, and then I’ll be done with that,” she insisted.

She wouldn’t be done with it; she never was. The jealousy and insecurity was never put to rest. Even when we changed topics, I could sense the hostility.

“No, I had no plans to see her tonight,” I said honestly.

“Oh, because you already saw her last night?” Victoria said.

The waitress arrived at our table with our drinks. She must have overheard some of our conversation, because she quickly put down our glasses and left without a word. Victoria glared after her.

“What? I was with Jeff, my instructor, last night,” I told her. “Didn’t I say that?”

“That is what you said,” Victoria chuckled. “Be honest with me, Elliott.”

“If you think I’m not being honest, you don’t know me,” I said. “I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet. If you don’t believe me, that’s your prerogative.”

“Stop using fancy words,” she snapped.

“It’s not really that fancy a word,” I argued. “Anyways. Victoria, can we try to enjoy ourselves, please? This argument is pointless. Have you been taking your medication?”

“I think maybe I took it last night,” she said nonchalantly. “Why do you always ask me that? What are you, my father?”

“You do act like a child sometimes,” I mumbled.

The rest of the night was not that great, but I didn’t really expect it to be, given the way it started. Nothing she said or did really surprised me anymore. Sometimes I thought I was only still with her because I felt bad for her, and I desperately wanted to help her and get her better- maybe that’s the way the staff at the coffee shop felt about me… too much pity to let go.

We decided to postpone the wedding for the time being, because things were just too cloudy to be making life-altering decisions.

***

I wouldn’t say I never had a connection with my parents- my father has always been my mentor, a huge inspiration for me… but I was never emotionally close with him. He wasn’t the man you discuss feelings with- you might discuss grades, or career paths, or the game on TV last night… but never feelings. I didn’t have anyone I could go to when I wanted to talk about deeper issues; that was, until I met Charlotte.

Growing up with Asperger's, I didn’t have any friends until high school. I was a social outcast, the “weird one”. I sat at the very back of each class, usually fidgeting with something or doodling obscure images into my notepad. I never noticed classmates giving me odd looks, but as an adult reflecting on my past now, I know for sure they must have, many times over.

The school board didn’t really have enough funding to support my “disability” as it were, so they just pretended it didn’t exist. My parents didn’t really fight much over it- they were far too busy keeping my mother as healthy as possible, given her condition. After all, external and physical conditions are often looked after much more urgently than conditions that go on “invisibly”.

Despite the lack of supports I had, I always did well in school. In fact, my grades were always above average. Perhaps part of it was because I didn’t have friends, so I couldn’t waste much time goofing off anyways. I’m fairly proud of myself because I managed to keep my grades above average even in high school, when things went even further downhill with my mom and I had to balance school and work.

I always enjoyed school for the purpose of learning- the social circles I could live without. Seeking knowledge was always a hobby of mine. I recall my first day of grade nine quite clearly. I was eager to dive into my classes, to learn something new and fill my brain up with random, useless facts I could impress people with. Who knows, maybe people in high school were slightly more mature and some would actually be impressed by that kind of thing. But probably not.

I made it a point to dress nicely, because I never understood why kids my age had to wear baggy sweaters and ripped jeans to look attractive. I would almost say that is the opposite of attractive, but a lot of views are quite backwards now. I was the only high school student wearing a dress shirt and properly fitted jeans. I wasn’t going to go completely out of my way and wear dress pants as well- that might be pushing it. Business casual.

People stared, but I often didn’t pick up on that kind of thing anyways. A few years later, Charlotte told me that everyone used to stare at me, wondering what the hell my problem was. Why didn’t they just ask?

I knew some of the people in my classes- they had come over from the same elementary school. No one I got along with- they were all the kids that scratched the words “FAG” and “RETARD” into my desk. Not exactly “BFF” material.

People my age were often clueless. They had no idea what they wanted to do, they had no idea who they liked or didn’t, and they didn’t even know who they were, really. Teenagers walk around with an overwhelming sense of insecurity, and I just never really grasped that, perhaps because my filter was never there. And I find it hard to relate to people that have no goals or even any original ideas. This is why I made better acquaintances with the teachers, the parents, and the employees at the coffee shop. Adults were messed up too, no doubt, but at least they had more of a concrete sense of purpose.

Anyways… my first day of grade nine was pretty awful. Why do they waste an entire day having people get to know one another? Is that something the school board supports? I think it is a complete waste of time- these people will not be relevant to your life in a couple of years, and knowing someone’s favorite color and favorite TV show isn’t going to further your education in the slightest.

We sat around in a circle, our asses falling asleep in shitty plastic chairs, taking turns sharing three “fun facts” about ourselves. I really don’t think people should be calling them “fun” facts if they aren’t fun. Why couldn’t we take the time to learn about the solar system, or why people found comfort in religion? Something that you could really go into over coffee. I found myself getting angry, trying my best to get through the “lesson”. I guess they called it “orientation day”, or “grade nine day”. The teacher thought my reaction was quite funny, and I think he was doing it only because he had to as part of his job, so I chose not to say anything. Well, at least everyone else seemed to have fun.

I overheard people chatting about it in the hallways. They were all huddled in groups, only half paying attention and half scrolling through their Facebook feeds on their phones.

“Miss Vance is really cool, like, we didn’t have to do any work today,” one girl said happily. “What was it like being in Mr. Flenderson’s class?”

“Oh, we just played a few orientation games or whatever you call them,” another girl replied. “Hey, did anyone else notice that weird guy that kinda kept to himself? I can’t remember his name. Not a common name.”

“Elliott, you mean?”

“Yeah, that guy. Wasn’t he weird? Why didn’t he say anything?”

Did anyone else notice me? Wow. Well clearly they didn’t notice me as they talked about me, for I was standing right across the hall. I didn’t try to hide, or walk away… I embraced it. I wasn’t embarrassed or upset, I was merely curious. What did these morons think of me?

“I don’t know,” one guy muttered. “I went to elementary school with the guy. He’s a fucking weirdo. Always sits by himself in the corner, only talks when he wants to make a smart-ass remark about something, thinks he’s better than everyone else.”

“Yeah! I totally get that vibe. I guess I’m not really surprised he doesn’t have friends.”

A few of them giggled at that, and they slammed their lockers and started towards their next class. A couple of people beside me were staring at me- they knew they were talking about me; I think they were shocked at my flat response. What did they expect, a dramatic reaction? Did they expect me to march over to them, slam them against the lockers and scream at them not to mess with me? Pathetic.

But I caught myself imagining it for a moment, just a moment- walking over there, fists clenched, seeing their faces full of fear when they realize they laugh at me because they’re scared of me. I’d grab that fucking tool by the collar of his forty-five dollar American Eagle shirt and ram him into the lockers, staring him down without breaking contact. He’d be shitting his pants. The girls would look on, not sure what to do. It probably wouldn’t stop there. I’d drop him for a moment, like a basketball, and pause for dramatic effect. Then, relentlessly, I’d start throwing punches to his stomach and he wouldn’t be able to do a thing because he’s all talk and he knows it. He’s scrawny, probably half my body weight. I could take him on without question. In fact, I could right now… the image in my mind was slightly intriguing…

But I shook it off. I couldn’t possibly do that. I had to keep up appearances, keep my record clean and keep the possibility open that one day my parents would be proud of me. But I so badly wanted to; all of a sudden I realized I was angry for everything that had happened to me and I had no way to express it.

And that is why I signed up for drama class.

#creative writing #short story #novella #novel #writing blog #mental health #mental health blog #end the stigma #aspergers #aspergers syndrome #asd #the charlotte chapters #aspiring author #writer #fiction writing #realistic fiction

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davidfostercomedyblog · 7 years

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It Must be Great to be Christopher Nolan...

It must be great to be Christopher Nolan. Besides the obvious, money and success, it has become incredibly apparent that he is able to love, sympathize and identify equally with all of his fellow man, regardless of having a close personal relationship with them or not knowing them from a hole in the wall.

“Spiritual enlightenment,” as the kids call it, and Nolan must be one of the few filmmakers in possession of such Zen, as it has evidently absolved him of the very first prerequisite of basic storytelling: Define your protagonist, and by “define,” we understand this to mean: Develop. Engage. Make me give a shit about this person for some reason beyond just our co-membership in the same species on Earth.

Instead, Nolan bravely spits in the face of conventional artistic parameters, as well as his moviegoers, by presuming we all share with him this same internal experience of existential oneness and love for all, thereby depriving us ego-ridden mortals of even the smallest sliver of window into what makes his characters uniquely human or relatable to us, the common man. Surely at Nolan’s elevated frequency it’s become challenging for him to portray the mere common man. After all, what are our creative characters if not expressions of our different dimensions of self, which would make even his background extras practically omniscient empaths who needn’t be bothered with the worldly tangibles of someone in order to root for or against them. For Nolan knows there is no real “for” or “against” in life. None of this is real, none of us are separate from one another, and God help your pathetic little brain if you dare view one of his masterpieces sans such awareness. I admittedly did so last night, and promised my date afterwards that I’ll never make the same mistake again, lest of course I should achieve such inner evolution between now and the release of Christopher’s (not Chris!) next piece of art. Or should I say “anti-art,” “non-art,” or “post-modern art from an irrelevant past and present of complete presence?” Gosh, Nolan, you mad genius.

Another quality consistent with Christopher’s Buddha-like mindfulness is the environmental consideration he so obviously takes, thoughtfully sparing so many trees, as each of his screenplays (especially that of Dunkirk) couldn’t be greater than 20 pages long. Nolan knows that the majority of human communication is non-verbal, a lesson we can only wish had been learned earlier by the likes of Francis Ford Coppola, and who knows how good The Godfather could have been.

While the more generic likes of Oliver Stone in Platoon and Spielberg in Saving Private Ryan felt compelled to convey to us some story arc in order to earn their climax, some outward expression of soldiers’ internal journey to garner emotional investment, Nolan has transcended such menial obligation, instead wowing us with his outside-the-box decisions, enlightening us (only to each of our own individual capacities) in Dunkirk with the fantastical concept that there are multiple perspectives to any one situation.

Of course this has been done in films before, but never before spanning the entire film concurrent with two hours straight of suspenseful music, no doubt inserted to remind us inferiors that we should remain on the edge of our seats the entire time, which is sort of like requesting a single two-hour orgasm: physiologically impossible. Nolan achieves the impossible.

I honestly have no idea what Dunkirk was about, but more importantly, I don’t give a shit. Some kind of battle, even a very famous one that I could google and lend myself a bit more credibility by sounding like not such an ignoramus, but unlike Christopher Nolan fans I imagine, I’ve never equated intelligence with awareness of historical facts – or any facts for that matter.

I liked Memento. I felt it actually obeyed the rules of storytelling, ironically and in spite of its inverse chronology. There was someone we were made to care about, the stakes ebbed and flowed, and although there was at times ambivalence about the characters and what exactly was happening, it was ambivalence with integrity within the world that Nolan created. Since then what I would diagnose as laziness and ignorance would surely be defended by Nolan-ists as depth or profundity, as the “filmmaker” tackles challenging existential themes, but in the process neglects to tell a (human) story. Two guys behind my date and I on the way out would disagree, as we were unfortunately in ear’s shot of one of their reviews:

“It just had so many layers.”

Ugh! I felt like I was in a sophomore NYU film class. “Layers?!” Are you fucking kidding me? How about the first layer of making me give a shit about any of these assholes in the first place?

It made me think of the Seinfeld episode where George and Jerry were pitching their “show about nothing” to the NBC executives and George wouldn’t budge on the theme. “No, nothing happens, nothing!” he insisted.

“Well then why am I watching it?” inquired the executive.

“Because it’s on TV,” George said. (Who could’ve guessed what foresight he had!)

The executive responded: “Not yet.”

It’s as if Christopher Nolan fans care just because “it’s on TV.” It’s a “Nolan,” thus deserving of our keen mental focus in attempting to dissect wtf is happening here. I guess in their defense, at some point a “Nolan” had to be initially defined, which means some people must just not need… people in order to care.

Is that possible? Of course I’m biased but I don’t believe it is. Instead my suspicion is a level of pretentiousness within that they are utterly unaware of and allows them to find fulfillment in pure sequential mind fucks, wholly void of emotionality, which in my opinion is always a red flag for unintelligent art.

Nolan is the wordy underground rapper who uses tons of six syllable words and just tons of words in his songs, but offers us no rhythm or melody by which to enjoy them. He claims to be more intelligent, thus more entitled than the likes of Biggie or Mobb Deep, but forgets the most important part of music: to make a good song! He’s the poet whose poems can only make sense in some abstract way in his own head, which then if you can’t decipher gets you labeled as “stupid.” He’s the pseudo-guru who speaks in cliché riddles that gives all of his dogmatic followers something to nod their heads and smile at each other about in class, but zero practical tools to take with them into the world. He’s not the worst filmmaker of all time, because for that title one would have to make films. Instead, Nolan hatches together practical montages that play out almost like a literal dream, tipping the scale from clever subtlety into utter bullshit, in the process mentally masturbating over some profound concept in lieu of putting forth the effort to date said concept, talk to the concept, care about it and then fuck it the way it’s deserving of. He is the fuckboy of modern cinema, and like all fuckboys has earned plenty of success, believers, and followers of his bullshit until the proverbial next morning when we finally wake up.

Every once in a while an artist comes along whose work is so potent that it can accurately inform us of how we feel about him/her, which is really how groupies come about, which should make us less judgmental of their character. I don’t just hate Nolan’s work. I hate him. And not because he’s “so polarizing” and must be at least commended for having moved me so dramatically in one direction, but instead for the complete failure to do so. He represents to me all that is wrong with the creative world, much like Trump represents all that is wrong with the political one, and I suppose I’ll never understand life or the supporters of either. Nolan makes me feel alone in the world.

#dunkirk #christopher nolan #academy awards #best picture

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