#this is confirmed as true by me and my mutuals and the power of our collective friendship

[mariatesstruther]

OCTOBER IS ADHD AWARENESS MONTH

I AM VEHEMENTLY AWARE THAT ELLIE WILLIAMS-MILLER HAS COMBINED TYPE ADHD AND SARAH AND TOMMY MILLER HAVE INATTENTIVE TYPE ADHD

#neurodiverdent miller tag #audhd ellie #this is confirmed as true by me and my mutuals and the power of our collective friendship #by the power vested in our tumblr mutualship! #adhd awareness #tlou #the last of us #ellie williams #ellie miller #tommy miller #sarah miller #i do think ellie is soooo adhd coded but i will say sarah and tommy are personal hcs of mine bc theyre my second and third fav characters #we all know whos on top #the millers #joel and maria on a tough emotional regulation day: do u guys wanna go out riding??? lets go out riding #bc ellie has a special interest in horses and riding always helps sarah and tommy feel regulated #its like sitting on a rocking chair but the rocking chair is breathing and jumping and moving around

[sneakyboymerlin]

Gwaine does not seem to like magic much in the later seasons and happily hunts down sorcerers (dragoon, the guy from 5x05, finna) Thoughts on that?

I’ve answered similar questions before! Unfortunately, Tumblr’s search function doesn’t like me, or I’d link to my older analyses 😔

As early as 3x04 (Gwaine’s introductory episode!), Gwaine is implied to have some bias against magic. Not as severe as Arthur’s, but any bias can be dangerous. When Merlin goes to Gaius and Gwaine about the Stulorne blades, this is the reaction he gets:

Gwaine: I've seen those blades in action. They're forged using sorcery.

There’s quite a bit of emphasis on the word “sorcery” here, both in Gwaine’s speech and in the overall use/placement of it. The fact that the blades are forged using sorcery tells our protagonists why they’re capable of deceiving people’s eyes, but it does not in itself imply danger unless you see magic as a danger.

Later, in 3x08, Gwaine remarks on magic with a similar attitude:

Gwaine: Wyverns. Distant cousins of the dragon. They're creatures of magic, so be careful.

Again, Gwaine expresses their capacity for harm by bringing attention to their magical origins. But the worst is in 3x12, when Gwaine does nothing to stop Arthur from holding his sword against the throat of a child simply because he’s a Druid. Rather, Gwaine pulls his sword on the rest of the Druids when they come out to save the boy. It’s Merlin who has to tell Arthur to let him go. So, Gwaine not only sees magic as dangerous, but he believes that magic and innocence (not as in guilt, but as in youth and vulnerability) are mutually exclusive. He dangerously adultifies a kid who’s <10yo.

Thrice, in the introductory era of the character, pretty solidly confirms his perspective. However, Gwaine doesn’t seem to approach magic as an innate evil the way Arthur does. He more or less ignores Grettir, despite his flagrant use of magic to turn Gwaine’s sword into flowers. In season 5, he sees clearly that the Diamair is a creature of magic, but leaves with an understanding that he owes it his life.

Gwaine’s philosophy is openly stated in 3x04: “Nobility is defined by what you do, not by who you are.” If he’s to be true to this logic, then he has to accept that one’s actions/beliefs determine one’s character, rather than their birth circumstances. He has to apply this to magical people and creatures. And he seems to, in relation to Grettir and the Diamair.

Perhaps not so much to those who he believes “chose” magic, for what he may assume is to the end of greed and power—some of the very traits he hates nobles for. However, there is only one instance to go off of, and it takes place in 5x05, where Gwaine’s like, 2 lines are the one that implies this, and the one telling someone to respect Arthur because he’s a king (even though Gwaine only respects Arthur despite that fact), so I’m inclined to ignore it.

As far as Dragoon goes, Gwaine seems to be under the impression that assassinating Uther would be evil, even though he has no motive for this. Uther had him banished and even threatened to cut his tongue out. I suppose he might just think that killing = evil, but considering how he’s employed to do just that—and it’s what he threatens Dragoon with—it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Perhaps because he sees sorcerers as a danger, he doesn’t disapprove of the magic ban, and therefore finds Uther’s death to be unjust?

They never really offer an explanation. I think the safest bet is that Gwaine assumes this means that Dragoon would want Arthur—who still holds the ban on magic in place—dead also. “Dragoon” actually plays into this idea.

It would be the same reason for the Finna situation. Arthur has already decided that she’s a threat, and Gwaine is receiving this information through his word alone. Gwaine’s exact quote is: “There’s a dangerous sorcerer at large,” who he wants to protect Merlin from. (It would be a very different story if Gwaine knew that Merlin was her accomplice—or rather, she is Merlin’s accomplice, heehee.)

So, while Gwaine doesn’t “happily” hunt down sorcerers—seriously, more like—he does show a bias against magic, believing it to be dangerous. However, he is also shown to overlook this bias from time to time, and I think it’s safe to say that he would have been able to make a repeat for Merlin if it came to it.

#if I haven’t answered your ask yet it’s cause i respond with 10 paragraphs almost every time #sir gwaine #merlin meta #bbc merlin #my meta #asks

[demonfox38]

Completed: Okage: Shadow King

I think the game would prefer to speak for itself.

In my previous game evaluations, you may have seen me mention my best friend classified co-conspirator @jeannettegray. As of writing right now, her avatar on multiple services is this:

This would be an image of Rosalyn, one of the lead characters of today's evaluation. Having been given this knowledge, I bet you can put two and two together to figure out how I ended up playing "Okage: Shadow King." Because, let me tell you. I might be a nut for niche RPGs, but I definitely wouldn't have heard of this title without her influence. So, thanks again, JG!

"Okage: Shadow King" is a 2001 PlayStation 2 turn-based RPG developed by Zener Works. It (arguably) stars Ari, a young boy most known for…well. Nothing. Really! That's his schtick. Not that he doesn't have his own personality, but he's literally overshadowed by a bombastic set of characters hell-bent on taking over the world, reforming it to their desires, or stopping the chaos around them with their own tilted bents. To free his sister from a peculiar curse, Ari forms a pact with Stan, the titular Shadow (Evil) King, traveling around the world and defeating other Evil Kings to restore his power. Along the way, he picks up additional characters (including a handful of said Evil Kings, a dipshit scientist, and a mortified hero) and discovers the true nature of the world, all while finding a way to…well, step out of the shadows of others, I suppose.

Possibly by being the most sarcastic bitch in the world!

Now, if you read "2001", "PlayStation 2", and "RPG" above, you may pre-emptively have come to some conclusions about why this game is so damn niche. I checked the release dates just to confirm our mutual suspicions. This had a two months' head start on "Final Fantasy X" and was released in what appears to be the best month for it to come out (more on that in a bit.) So, I wouldn't say definitively that one game ate the other's supper. But, realistically, it only had a couple of months in the spotlight before went into…you know. Components of its own name.

There is definitely something weird to "Okage: Shadow King." I mean, weird beyond the intended vibes. I did some reading on Zener Works to see exactly what they are, as that's not a company familiar to me. It seems like they had a handful of titles in the late 2000s, as well as some mobile game properties (and a pending lawsuit against another company, if Google Translate was correct on their website.) This game is not only their only PS2 game, but seems to be the only RPG they ever built. Additionally, some general information on Wikipedia claims this was originally intended to be a PlayStation release but was then asked to be moved to the PlayStation 2 literally a day before the console's existence was revealed to the world at large.

I’m bringing up the development history because I don't want you to start playing this game and come to the conclusion that your PlayStation 2 is dying. (I mean, they are frailer than race horses, but it's not the console's fault exclusively that things are acting strangely.)

This isn't to say the game looks bad. Anything but! (Well, I guess there's some general distance fog, occasional camera issues, and Madril's kind of an ugly town, but stick with me here!) Honestly, given the character design for this game, I thought that perhaps there was some creative staff overlap with those that worked on stop-motion film/Hot Topic darling "Nightmare Before Christmas." This doesn't seem to be the case. Somebody in the design team was just a major nerd for that film. Like, blatantly stole the hill from that movie kind of nerd. The design team had their inspiration, and damned if they didn't nail it. So, if you're into the aesthetics of that film in particular, this game is a must play for that alone.

Also, one of the character modelers went on to work on "Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night." You know you've got the charming spooky look nailed when the former design team for several "Castlevania" games wants you in their company!

Honestly, the music is pretty good, too. There's a couple of tracks that go a little too heavy on the use of chanting or bagpipes for my taste, but otherwise? Solid. Also? It reacts to you being inside/outside a building and whether or not you are about to die in battle. Responsive music programming! I love that!

The major attraction for this game is its writing, bar none. It's the world's most sarcastic RPG, and I say that with full affection. Like, all of your dialogue options can be boiled down to good/bad/sarcastic. There's no sane man in this universe. They've all been run down and driven to frothing vengeance by those in manic passion for power. Hell, the only thing that even remotely restores sanity in this game is giving up power.

Even with the game's bombastic nature, it can come out swinging with its plot twists. Like, you'll catch some. Obviously, there's a reason that the girl with demon horns and a pink miniskirt has aspirations for becoming a pop icon. Some seem obvious after the fact, like, "Of course, you can't trust butlers for anything. That's always how it goes!" Even the nature of the world itself will explain some issues you rub up against gameplay-wise. The one that really caught me off-guard was the opening for Chapter 5. Like…I don't want to spoil it for you, so I won't get into it too much. But, let's say the bit with Ari having to stand up for himself and regain some sense of personality and appearance was surprisingly resonant for me.

So, this makes a pretty good YouTube longplay video, especially if you're listening to one sans commentary. How about the game part?

Well…how much do you like "Quest 64?"

Not that the two games are all that alike. (Well, actually, maybe in the good music/character design bit.) But, I bring up my tolerance for "Quest 64" in that I love that game despite its online reputation as being the worst RPG on the Nintendo 64. (I mean, have people even seen the opening cutscene for "Aidyn Chronicles"? JFC.) I have a great deal of tolerance for funky RPGs is what I'm trying to say. For me to call an RPG bad, you'd literally have to present something like "Hoshi wo Miru Hito" to my face. Like, poorly functioning, poor audio, and having no final boss bad.

This is a novice RPG written relatively new into its console's library. It's got issues.

If you're gonna play it, you're going to need to have patience with it.

Looking at how it operates, I suspect the game designers were fans of "Megami Tensei" games (like "Shin Megami Tensei" or possibly the "Persona" series, although the timeline isn't quite the smoothest for the latter.)  At least, the occasional Stan chats prior to combat, the focus on supernatural entities, the enemy abuse of curses, buffing/debuffing importance, and HP consuming moves are screaming that to me. There are some tweaks to it that are odd. For example, characters share a special ability pool (LP) instead of having their own points to spend on special moves or magic. This seems to fluctuate based on who is in your party and how magically gifted they are. There may also be some "Chrono Trigger" influence? Maybe? Possibly? I mean, you've got a party of three that trails you and can join up with you to attack a single target. It feels familiar for a reason.

Also, it's one of those RPGs where you can't trade the main character out of the party. And, if he dies, it's an instant game over. Yep. Like, there's an implied plot reason for why this could be so, but damned if it isn't irritating as hell.

Some of the mechanic focus is strange to me as well. Like, there are several levels of curses (think poison/sleep/confusion/reward penalties), and some of these curses can be stacked multiple times to have more severe effects. Meanwhile, the elemental system is just a triangle. It is also a strange triangle if you think too long about it. It's better just to think blue > red, yellow > blue, red > yellow instead of wondering how exactly fire defeats lightning and how ice works almost opposite to every other RPG on the planet. It also has a distribution issue both within your party and the monster populace at large. Like, you only get one fire elemental guy. But, to compensate for this, most of your cast will learn spells to cover the elements that they aren't. And then, it seems like there's not the most even balance of enemies out there, anyway? Like, it seemed mostly blue/red early on, with yellow appearing towards the end to be a pain in the ass. I don't know. It was weird. Like, "Fire Emblem" handing you so many sword dudes when there are so few axes to grind and more spears to dodge. It could be personal bias, but you know that feeling, right? Not as rough as taking a fire starter in Pokémon, but maybe taking a water starter.

Pacing is also a weird issue in this game. Like, there are some dungeons where you step one foot into and can win instantly, and others that require grinding for 10 levels. Your party member pool is strapped to the same three people for almost half of the game. (Trust me when I say you want Kisling out ASAP. Dude's a creep and a dud.) Hell, in trying to get my party evened out to level 60 for use in the final dungeon, I accidentally ended up gaining, like, 37 levels for the main character. Also, Chapters 4 and 5 seem to be significantly bloated, with a great deal of fighting taking place in or around the second town. It's like, blink and Chapters 1 and 6 are gone. Very odd.

So, okay. I've got a few creative differences with the dev team. What I really don't get is how the loading issues, audio volume multiplier, and save erasing bug made it into the wild. Like, I know. Novice game made by inexperienced team on new hardware. But, c'mon. Sony had a QA team on this. They had to pick this up.  

What's frustrating about these items is that I could see both how to fix them and how they just weren't fixed. Like…

The game loads fine when it's one large horizontal map. The loading issues come into play with more multi-roomed environments like homes, dungeons, and towns. Other games work around this by having multiple chunks on one map, then teleporting the player around as they enter and exit spaces. Or, hell, implement a visibility flag and turn that on/off as needed. Could the maps not be congealed, for some reason? Couldn't someone at least give the player a loading screen so I’m not sitting there wondering if my PlayStation 2 is having optical drive issues?

The audio volume multiplier is a weird event where a single sound is being played many times, usually when multiple of the same attacks or spells land at once. All that requires to fix, theoretically, would be implementing a volume maximum to not be played over, then making that volume be whatever the default value for the base sound is.

I saw the save erasing bug happen a whopping 3 times over 40 hours of gameplay, and I had been rotating my saves like a good girl. So, it wasn't something I couldn't recover from. But, holy shit. No. Absolutely not. That could have been real bad. Like, I can only guess what's happening here, but it seems like a file is being purposefully deleted before some new file is written in its place (as opposed to some file updating process) and that the writing process subsequently screws up. This would prevent bad progress flags from being recorded, I suppose, but the opposing situation of losing an entire damn file isn't pleasant, either.  

Considering how much dicking around the publishers asked for in getting this game on the PlayStation 2, I'm going to assume that they're also to blame for these issues getting out. As in, "Well, we've got to ship this by October!" and wham! Bugs pressed.

Even with all of the quirks to the game, it's not the hardest RPG to get through. About the roughest time I had was with Big Bull, and the troubles there involved dealing with Ari dying in two hits and Kisling just generally being unhelpful. Honestly, most of the problems in the game can be solved by ganging up on weak enemies and having a dedicated healing item spammer. (Healing items are super cheap, so might as well cram as many as you can in your pockets!) The rest is just talking to as many people as you can and reading as many signs as possible.

Also, here. Just take this video guide on gear locations. Life is short; don't trouble yourself with something as silly as gear hunting blindly. (At least it's not as silly of a side quest as dodging lightning 100 times or learning a new sport!)

I feel a little bad for coming down on "Okage" as hard as I did at the end. It's funny, thought provoking, and respectful of the player's time. For as fresh and different as it is, I'd play this over several contemporary members of its library. But, for some of its quirks, it does require a little patience. You've just got to know whether or not you've got that on hand.  

Frankly, for its price, "Okage: Shadow King" is quite the bargain, too. Hell, it's even available on the PlayStation store! Can't argue with the fair distribution it has in a modern market.

And, hey! Now I know more about JG's icon! So, it's always nice to have some additional context, especially when characters and stories are important to your friends. But, I do have to wonder how Rosalyn won over Stan for that place of honor. I mean, other than by being classified as a hero.

Then again, it might be a little disturbing being followed by something like this online.

#post game evaluation #okage: shadow king #okage shadow king #minor ending jumpscare?

[nochuelinha]

Chapter 7: Choose

The snow and cold had arrived in Detroit. I put on warmer clothes and waited for Hank outside my apartment, his old car and Connor sitting in the passenger seat signaled their arrival. I greeted them and we drove in silence to Kamski's house, the tension palpable.

"So, does anyone have any guesses about what we're going to find?" I tried to make conversation. Hank looked at me through the rearview mirror, seeming pensive for a moment before responding.

"Well, we're going to meet Kamski, so I hope he has some answers for us. But honestly, I have no idea what to expect. This guy is unpredictable." I agreed with him and glanced at Connor.

"We'll find out together. I'm ready for whatever Kamski has to say." His voice was calm but determined. At least someone was optimistic.

Arriving at Kamski's house, I was impressed by the grandeur and isolation of the place. It was evident that Kamski valued his privacy, opting for a secluded and luxurious residence. The sense of wealth and power emanated from the property, creating an aura of mystery around the renowned android creator. The blonde android who greeted us at Kamski's house was truly impressive, with an almost transcendental beauty. Her perfect appearance and elegant posture conveyed an aura of serenity and sophistication, almost as if she were a divine figure walking among us. I saw Connor holding a photo, and as I approached, I only recognized Kamski's figure; I had never seen the woman beside him before.

"Amanda," he whispered. Before I could respond, our host came out to greet us. To my surprise, he had several androids like the one who greeted us; he was swimming with one when we arrived. Kamski's lack of interest in answering our questions was evident from the start, but his attention quickly turned to Connor. His expression changed when he noticed the presence of the android, as if something inside him sparked a sudden and intense interest.

"If you pass my test, I'll answer all your questions," he said after rambling about a few things. I furrowed my brows; something was wrong. Kamski's proposal to answer our questions in exchange for Connor undergoing a test raised my suspicions. There seemed to be a hidden agenda behind this condition, and I felt uncomfortable with the idea of ​​putting Connor in an unknown situation. Kamski's gesture of placing one of his androids, Chloe, in a kneeling position before us and handing a gun to Connor was disturbing. I immediately understood what he was suggesting: he wanted Connor to perform an act that would test his humanity, his ability to empathize and exercise moral discernment.

After receiving the gun from Kamski and the order to shoot the android Chloe, Connor hesitated for a moment, reflecting on the situation. His data processors quickly evaluated the possible consequences of his actions and the moral guidelines he had internalized throughout his interactions with humans and androids. Instead of blindly obeying, Connor chose to follow his ethical principles, refusing to shoot.

I released the breath I didn't realize I was holding and looked at Connor, feeling a deep sense of relief that he hadn't fired. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, a tension I didn't even know I was carrying. Our eyes met for a brief moment, and I could see in them not only confirmation of my decision but also a gleam of determination and understanding. Gratitude flooded my heart, not only for the choice Connor made but also for the trust he placed in me, in us. It was comforting to know that, even in the face of Kamski's pressure and unknown consequences, Connor remained true to his principles, showing that our values were aligned not only as partners but also as friends.

At that moment, I realized that the bond between us had strengthened even more. It wasn't just a matter of work; it was a connection that transcended the bounds of programming, a mutual trust that drove us to face challenges together. And with a silent look, we shared the understanding that no matter what the future held, we were united, ready to overcome any obstacle that came our way.

"Interesting," Kamski observed our interaction closely. "I won't answer your questions, but remember: I always leave an emergency exit in my programs."

Hearing Kamski's words sent a shiver down my spine. His enigmatic comments always left more questions than answers, and this time was no different. What did he mean by "emergency exit in my programs"? Was it a clue to unravel the mysteries surrounding us or just another puzzle to confuse us?

I looked at Connor, sharing the uncertainty hanging in the air. Although his expression remained undisturbed, I could perceive a slight furrow of his brows, indicating that he too was intrigued by Kamski's words. It was as if we were facing a complex puzzle, and each revealed piece brought us a little closer to the truth, even if that truth was even more confusing and obscure.

#detroit become human #connor rk800 x reader #connor x reader #dbh connor #connor rk800 #hank anderson #elijah kamski #x reader

[askthepsychic]

Part 3

I couldn’t believe my eyes at the sight that followed the asking of that question. Of all the things I never could’ve thought to see with my own eyes, the divine of death blushing had to have been one of the least likely from that list. Yet there he stood, Hades the divine of death, with a bit of extra color on his cheeks.

The Allmother blinked, then gently smiled “I begin to understand. You and Vitalia were in the habit of keeping each other’s company for a time, weren’t you.”

Hades nodded “yes, prior to her being called to form a pony colony in Dream Valley. It started off innocently. We met at a moment when our realms intersected, when both death and birth were occurring in equal measure in one location. I will not deny that we were repulsed by each other initially. It is only natural considering that our realms are exact opposites. But when we met again in another similar situation, we began to speak to each other. I would guess the fact that circumstances had lead us to meet in the same fashion twice convinced us to try to tolerate the company of the other in case of further such meetings. I doubt she knew any more than I did what our attempts at tolerance would lead to.”

I blinked as something began to stir in the recesses of my mind, tilting my head as Hades continued.

“We met randomly three more times before she decided to actually seek me out. I was surprised to see her at that time, but now I find myself exceedingly grateful that she did. Thinking back, after everything that ended up happening between us, I cannot say how much time we spent together that day. We talked about mostly random things, with a sprinkling of conversation concerning our roles in this world. We left each other that day with a promise to see each other again.”

Ambrosia blinked and said “sweet nothings.” Hades looked at her confusedly, an eyebrow raised. Ambrosia blushed and said “um, that’s what that kind of conversation is typically referred to as in modern times. It’s a covertly romantic type of conversation. Mostly engaged in early in the relationship as a way to learn about a potential romantic partner.”

Hades nodded in acknowledgment “I see. Well, in any case, we met several times, sometimes performing our duties, mostly just to share time with each other. We ended up becoming true friends and eventually… more. I am not sure which of us was the first to realize we were reaching romantic levels in our relationship… but I quite clearly remember the day when our first and only physical interaction occurred.”

Ambrosia blinked and asked ”only?”

Hades nodded and said “our coupling had a profound impact on the location we coupled in. When we saw what we had wrought in our passion, we mutually decided it would be wise to avoid such interaction in the future.”

Finally, the information that had been struggling to surface did so as I realized what Hades was talking about. “The Spiral Meadow? You two caused that to come into being that way?”

I’d like to pause my story a moment here to explain what I’m talking about. There’s a large meadow a few miles away from Mount Eohippus on the opposite side to Ponyville. It’s one of Equestria’s most famous places due to the feature that gives it it’s name. Going out from the center of the meadow and going all the way to the edge of it, eternally vibrant and beautiful plant life form a spiral with grey, dead earth where nothing can grow. There’s even some sort of enchantment leaving it unaffected by the changing seasons. It’s a hauntingly beautiful place, but up until learning the truth in that conversation, I’d always assumed that it had been formed by a fierce battle between Hades and Vitalia millions of years ago. Not by… um… the opposite.

After I asked Hades if I understood it correctly, he confirmed, and even went so far as to give a more detailed explanation. Apparently, as their passion grew during their coupling, their powers over life and death reacted, beginning to emit from them in a growing spiraling formation. Finally, when they achieved the, um… peak of pleasure, their power reached its own peak, filling the meadow which was previously a normal place with their mixing and mingling powers. When their passion calmed and they came down from the height of pleasure, their power sank into the ground in the pattern it had previously filled the air with. This created an eternal reminder of their duality and affection for each other.

Hades sighed “I can’t deny that what we created in that moment was simply stunning. There is no way any other pair could ever do what we did then. But there is also no denying how destructive that mixture of power can be. Although the effect is beautiful, that meadow was eternally changed by our moment of passion. That is why we decided never to repeat it, maintaining a respectable non-physical relationship from then on.”

The Allmother nodded understandingly and said “a difficult decision I am sure. But I do appreciate the respect you afforded my grand creation by making it.”

I smiled at her approval, then looked back at Hades and said “so, you’ve spent all this time searching for Vitalia. Have you had any luck, found any clues?”

Hades shook his head. “Nay, I have not. It is as if she has completely vanished from the universe. Honestly, I think of confronting the last person to see her sometimes, but as he was most certainly behind her disappearance, I do not believe I could restrain myself in his presence.”

I nodded understandingly. Then looked at the Allmother, remembering the current situation and asking “Allmother, what do you think of his absence now, having heard all of this?”

Hades blinked, also remembering he was on trial and looked at the Allmother for her response.

The Allmother smiled and said “given everything that has been revealed, I am willing to excuse Hades’ absence in this and previous events. However, I must ask that he reduce his focus on his search so he can be aware of future issues in his realm. As horrible as the wall crumbling would have been, there are still worse things that could happen concerning the realm of death. Is everyone in agreement with my decision that Hades be pardoned?”

Hades looked at the three of us, Rey, Ambrosia and myself. I knew he was hoping this situation was over. No divine ever wants to be put on trial by the Allmother. But…

End part 3

#askthepsychicofponyville #ask me anything #ask blog #original character #mlp #ambrosia #rey #hades

[facesofcsl]

Beshel Francis- MFA in Theatre Practice, specializing in Community-Based Theatre

Beshel Francis (he/him) is a second-year student completing an MFA in Theatre Practice. He specializes in community-based theatre in the Department of Drama at the University of Alberta.

Why did you decide to take your first CSL course?

I started my studies in January 2023. During my course GSJ 570, I discovered it included a CSL placement. Initially unfamiliar with the concept, our professor clarified that students would be assigned to eight different foundations. After reviewing the options, I found Ribbon Rouge particularly appealing due to its journey mapping project involving Black and LGBTQIA+ communities, which aligned with my research interests. Securing this placement was crucial for community engagement and networking. Upon receiving confirmation from my professor, I was thrilled to be chosen for Ribbon Rouge, marking my introduction to Community Service-Learning and its enlightening impact on me.

Are you completing the CSL Certificate? Why?

At the moment, I am not engaged in community service-learning placements, but I am truly eager to delve back into it. I have witnessed firsthand the profound impact it can have. Stepping into unfamiliar territory can be daunting, yet the moment you immerse yourself, it feels like finding your true calling. There's a unique resonance, especially for those passionate about community service. It's an invitation to connect on a deeper level.

Reflecting on my experience with Ribbon Rouge, I felt there was still so much more to explore with the incredible people involved. Even after my initial placement was slated to end, I reached out to continue my involvement. I was thrilled when they welcomed me to volunteer further. This eagerness stems from my background of working with numerous NGOs back home. As my initial contract was extended, I embraced the opportunity to contribute until December. The organization recognized my dedication and creativity, eventually offering me the role of Artistic Director for an upcoming festival. Each experience has been immensely rewarding, and I am genuinely excited to continue making a meaningful impact through community engagement.

What was your favorite part about your CSL placement, and why?

Ribbon Rouge Foundation embodies a profound commitment to fostering health equity and advancing social justice within the African, Caribbean, and Black communities (ACBs). Through a combination of community-engaged arts, storytelling, and purposeful dialogues, the Foundation ignites transformative conversations, reshapes perceptions, and catalyzes positive societal shifts. The power of the arts as a medium for change resonates deeply with me. Its inherent flexibility allows for the exploration of myriad sensitive topics and the cultivation of meaningful connections.

Upon discovering Ribbon Rouge, I immediately recognized it as a space where my passions align and where I can actively contribute to meaningful change. The Foundation provides a platform for individuals to take initiative and enact tangible progress, a quality that deeply resonates with my values. I hold a particular reverence for organizations like Ribbon Rouge, as they are unequivocally committed to fostering social equity, a cause that is close to my heart.

What was the most important/memorable lesson you learned?

I believe that the essence of a job well done lies not just in its completion, but in the opportunities, it brings for further growth and contribution. When we dedicate ourselves to community service alongside like-minded individuals, there's a profound sense of harmony. Our focus shifts from individual achievements to collective goals, emphasizing accessibility, mutual learning, and the power of teamwork. Each person brings their unique strengths and perspectives to the table, and it's through collaboration that we can truly harness their potential and see the bigger picture. Despite differing viewpoints, when we converge in shared spaces, we often realize that we're striving for the same outcomes, albeit through different lenses.

Engaging in art-based research within specific communities adds another layer of depth to our work. We become intimately connected with those we serve, and their gratitude and enthusiasm fuel our passion. Witnessing individuals express newfound possibilities through our projects is immensely rewarding. It's a validation that our efforts are making a tangible difference, resonating with the very people we aim to impact. The ultimate reward, however, lies in the understanding and appreciation of our organization's message by the communities we serve. When people not only comprehend but embrace our mission, it signifies a profound connection. It's a testament to the transformative power of our initiatives and reinforces our commitment to reaching those whose lives we seek to touch.

Has your experience with CSL led you to build new social connections?

Coming to Canada on my own was quite a journey. Initially, I didn't have any established connections here besides a few scattered friends and family across the country. Networking seemed like a daunting task, but then I enrolled in the GSJ 570 course, which opened doors for me, leading straight into a placement with Ribbon Rouge Foundation. Through this experience, I built professional connections with colleagues and classmates and formed meaningful relationships akin to family bonds. It's remarkable how quickly I have expanded my network and engaged with individuals I never thought I would have the chance to meet. When I reflect on my journey and share it with others, they often express disbelief, wondering how I managed to accomplish so much in such a short time. The key, I believe, lies in my dedication and willingness to seize every opportunity presented to me. I have embraced the philosophy that the reward for good work is more work, and it's through consistently demonstrating my commitment that I have been able to foster connections and receive further opportunities. Sometimes, I find myself amazed at the breadth of my network and the experiences it has afforded me.

I am profoundly grateful for every opportunity and interaction, even when venturing into unfamiliar territory. It's through these experiences that I have grown, both personally and professionally. I owe a significant portion of my success and growth to the support and opportunities provided by CSL. My placement with Ribbon Rouge has enhanced my research and enabled me to contribute meaningfully to the community while expanding my social network. Looking back, I am immensely thankful for the GSJ 570 class that introduced me to Ribbon Rouge. It has been a pivotal experience that has shaped my journey in Canada and helped me establish academic and social roots.

Throughout your journey with CSL, has there been a particular individual, group, or experience that inspired you in some way?

I have witnessed the incredible power of unity within our community. When individuals come together, their first instinct often revolves around fostering equity and championing diversity. Initially, some may express doubt, saying, "I can't do it," but with encouragement, that sentiment transforms into a resounding, "we can do it!" Together, they embrace the challenge and collaborate harmoniously. Within this shared space, optimism and positivity flourish, inspiring me deeply. This sense of collective empowerment is what drew me to engage actively in our community initiatives. Despite recognizing our limitations, we refuse to let them define our aspirations. Through Ribbon Rouge, we have cultivated a vibrant Artists Collective comprising theatre, visual arts, dance, photography, and more. Personally, theatre resonates profoundly with me, given my involvement in the medium.

In recent months, our collaboration with the Edmonton Federation Community League (EFCL) has been particularly impactful. Together, we embarked on an anti-racism project where our theatre team crafted narratives based on our experiences, integrating them into interactive theatre. This unique form of theatre allows us to immerse ourselves in various community leagues, engaging audiences in thought-provoking dialogue. Our approach is interactive and inclusive. Each character presents a dilemma, inviting the audience to share their insights. This dynamic exchange culminates in the portrayal of resolutions on stage. By targeting specific communities, we aim to bridge divides and spark meaningful conversations through art.

Prior to each performance, we meticulously tailor our presentation to resonate with the audience's identity and experiences. Our objective is not only to entertain but also to educate and engage. This work feels like a calling, driven by a deep sense of purpose. Art possesses a universal language that transcends barriers. It speaks directly to the heart, transcending linguistic boundaries. Whether or not someone shares our language, they can connect with the message conveyed through artistic expression. This ability to evoke emotions and foster understanding underscores the transformative power of our work.

During the Winter of 2023, in your WGS 470/GSJ 570 class, you were placed with Ribbon Rouge and recently started working part-time with them as the Artistic Director of their Artist's Collective. Can you share how your transition from student to staff member enhanced your skills and knowledge of the non-profit sector?

I embarked on this journey as a volunteer during my placement period, which sparked my passion for community engagement. During this time, I connected with Ribbon Rouge, feeling a deep-seated desire to contribute more meaningfully. Joining their team felt like finding my niche, propelling me into a role focused on community outreach—an area I have previously delved into. Our discussions centered around vital topics such as sexual health awareness, particularly within the ACB community. As plans for a festival unfolded, I found myself immersed in the creative process. Recognizing my contributions, they entrusted me with the pivotal role of Artistic Director, marking a significant turning point in my career trajectory. This opportunity not only promised personal growth but also underscored the ethos of flexibility and advancement within CSL. It challenged me to adapt swiftly to new responsibilities and embrace the present moment, fostering a mindset of continual transformation. While my current role involves overseeing and coordinating, it's the interpersonal aspect that truly resonates with me.

Despite my inherent shyness, I have discovered a newfound confidence in connecting with others, inspiring them to envision possibilities. Each interaction reaffirms my belief in the power of communal effort and the impact of effective communication. My journey with CSL has honed my adaptability and enhanced my social presence and negotiation skills. Looking ahead, I remain open to evolving roles within the organization, guided by a steadfast commitment to making a tangible difference. My work here isn't just about fulfilling job responsibilities—it's about fostering a culture of empowerment and collective progress. And that's precisely why I am here today.

Did CSL change your ways of thinking about certain things, and how?

It's truly been a journey of growth and adaptation for me. Navigating a new space can be daunting, especially when it comes to understanding the dynamics of community service here. However, I have found that the key lies in embracing adaptability and flexibility. One valuable lesson I have learned is to seize opportunities without hesitation. Even when faced with uncertainty, I have discovered the importance of taking that leap of faith and moving forward. For instance, when the offer to become Artistic Director at Ribbon Rouge presented itself, I was initially overwhelmed with fear. However, I chose to trust in my ability to adapt and grow.

The impact of that decision has been profound. From January until now, I have witnessed firsthand the positive outcomes of my willingness to embrace new challenges. I have received calls expressing gratitude for my role in holding the team together. It's moments like these that reaffirm the value of stepping outside my comfort zone and seizing opportunities as they arise. I am immensely grateful for the journey and the growth it has brought.

How would you sum up your experience with CSL in one sentence?

My experience with CSL has been a collage of amazing memories, each captured in my heart like a precious frame, ready to be cherished in the present and future. It has been a journey filled with invaluable lessons and countless opportunities for growth, for which I am truly grateful.

#csl #ualberta #facesofcsl #yeg #uofa #community service-learning #students #growth #edmonton #ualbertacsl

[cookiecrumbconundrum]

winnie moments in az that changed by brain chemistry

[ forgive me if some of these quotes are slightly off. i am going based off notes and memory ]

“the things our parents give us can kill us” // winnie, when she was totally convinced she had been passed down a curse. but now it rings true for a lot of things in this campaign. grief. vengeance. expectations.

"we could jump out the window. run for it." // the party helping mimiko and winnie being totally ready to create the craziest situations possible. they even offered hest, even though that horse bites.

“we will get them back. that isn’t a question.” // trene is taken. there is no way that winnie is letting them stay taken. they don't even know they are siblings yet. but the loyalty is there and the friendship that will save them both.

“winnie's mother would still be alive if she hadn’t been born”  // true despair for winnie. their worst fears confirmed. everything they have done, even living has brought others pain. and what can she do about it? nothing.

“i thought i was cursed. turns out i’m just like this.” // taking off the glasses. revealing her eyes. all of it, and her friends still stay there. maybe there is something more to this party thing than just mutual survival. but she is still a monster.

“you see a woman standing behind your shoulder, invisible in reality, but her image is reflect in the pool. your mother.” // the voice in their head. not a curse. a mother. her mother. who has been there for years. why didn't winnie sense her? was she that bad a daughter?

"your father let morwyn kill your mother. he didn't do anything." // vengeance. vengeance. vengeance. vengeance. vengeance. vengeance. winnie's heart is filled with it. vengeance. vengeance. vengeance. vengeance.

“brother!!!” // mars and trene and winnie being united by a mutual father and experience. they are brothers. they are friends. winnie finds happiness in helping rescue trene.

“next time, i will kill you.” “i dare you to try.” // winnie is fair. winnie does not shoot oriel in the head because he helped them save trene. but she does shoot him in the foot. they are certain the next time they will aim elsewhere.

“there is a pure white fox, slaughtered, it’s body soaked in a puddle of its own blood, a figure leaning over it.” // confirmation of her suspicions. there is only vengeance to seek and cast. to right this wrong requires blood. when winnie awakens, she is convinced. they do not think perhaps this is manipulation, something twisted.

“i’m going to kill oriel.” “i won’t that happen.” “good luck with that.” // and then mars introduces doubt. gods, why did they do that! now winnie has to think about it, even thought their voice is steady. is there something else.

“i know you don’t trust me. and i don’t trust you. but you’re the only one I can go to with this.” // finally winnie reaches out to another person. velvel. they're both awful at this friend thing, but they join together to protect the party. both of them share secrets. winnie now has something to confide in, releasing a weight from her mind.

“and the repetition of your mother hitting the barrier, eventually something broke. and it was your dad.” // sadness. but not anger. winnie becomes sick of seeing her family die. even oriel. even oriel. even oriel.

“i hate you! i would kill you if i could! but i trust my friends more.” // and they do. trust beyond the rage in her heart. she does not raise the gun to oriel.

“did i do something wrong?” “no, you never did anything wrong.” // and winnie sees just how regretful oriel is, that he would make blood fight blood. if he can be sorry for this, perhaps he is sorry for other things.

“i can make the fire bigger. the material isn't all bad.” // they can remake the sword, they can forge bullets from the aftermath, and they can forgive. maybe not now. but eventually.

“i would like to trade my powers for my daughter’s father’s life.” // and oriel takes the step to make amends. they can work together on this. for the first time since meeting him, winnie feels something more than kind towards oriel.

“you’re my best friend. and if i don’t see you again, i’m going to kill you.” // velvel and winnie are best friends. and winnie is able to say that. there is no more loneliness that traps her. it has been banished.

“winnie goes home.” // they do. and they are able to return, changed for the better.

#az tag #i didnt even realize how many quotes i rememberd #god #this campaign #dnd #winnie #no one laugh at me

[amicidomenicani]

Question Hello Father Angelo, I read on a website your answers about the connection between the church and premarital sex... I attend a post-Confirmation group and, having started some meetings regarding our questions and our doubts about the church, I have a question to ask you... What does the church think about protected sex? Obviously, I think she is not entirely in favor of it since, when you decide to express with your body language words that you can't say to your partner, you should do it with the intention of giving birth to a child and for nothing else... I would like to know your opinion given that I'll have to discuss it at the next meeting… Thank you very much Goodbye Answer Dear friend, 1. about the question you asked me, one wonders: protected from what? The answer is: from the risk of procreating. My reply: so why are procreative powers exercised if one does not want to be open to life? Isn't that a nonsense? For this reason, procreative powers cannot be put into act outside of marriage. Especially since the danger remains anyway. 2. Someone could reply: we do it to express mutual affection. Yes, well, but when affection is expressed with those powers, it is expressed with the procreative powers. This means that affection is true only when by giving your body to another person, you give him everything, including the ability to arouse life. 3. Only in this sense do we speak of true love. Otherwise, as John Paul II said, a falsification is introduced into the sexual act: while it is said to give everything, in reality one does not want to give oneself totally, one does not want to put oneself on the line. Here are his precise words: "Thus the innate language that expresses the total reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid, through contraception, by an objectively contradictory language, namely, that of not giving oneself totally to the other. This leads not only to a positive refusal to be open to life but also to a falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love, which is called upon to give itself in personal totality" (Familiaris Consortio, 32). 4. It is, in other words, a lie. Jean Guitton, a French thinker and an academic of France, said precisely in reference to our theme that even in telling lies in the end you get tired. In our case this marks the end of the couple relationship. 5. E. Sgreccia, the father of Italian bioethics who died recently, wrote: "When man and woman unite, if the act is human and full, it involves body, heart and spirit; if one of these dimensions is missing, it is then a humanly incomplete and objectively false union, because the body has no meaning except as an expression of the totality of the person" (E. Sgreccia, Handbook of Bioethics, I, p. 329). 6. Ultimately: protected sex alters God's plan for human love and sexuality. In fact, one no longer behaves as minister of a plan of communion with God and sanctification that transcends us. In fact, even if we do not think about it, God ceases to be the starting and ending point of our actions and of our life, as he himself said at the end of the Apocalypse: "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end" (Ap 22,13). Without thinking about it, one strays from the way of God. I wish you well, I remind you to the Lord and I bless you. Father Angelo Translated by Chiara P.

[bryant30sigmon]

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[havethetimeofyourstyles]

in which harry joins a new gym and you’re a trainer there.

a/n: happy new years loves! wishing you all a lovely and happy 2021! first fic of 2021 and im so excited to write more stories this year! to start the new year, here is boxer!harry for you, and this is for my very own timetravelathon fic challenge! if you’d like to join, please let me know, I’d love to have you on board! this story takes place in the 1990, and i know some of the songs mentioned weren’t released specifically in 1990 (just a few years after), but just pretend it was lol because they’re too good to not mention in this story hehe, but happy reading and pls reblog and leave feedback <3

thank you to @sunflowers-styles for beta reading this for me, love you always!

WORD COUNT: 22.6k of (kinda) boxer!harry x trainer!yn filled with angst and smut

WARNINGS: mentions of abandonment and blood 

COME INTO MY INBOX AND LETS TALK ABOUT ‘143’ i’d love to know your thoughts!

pls rb to share! <3

16 August 1990

With every move he made, Harry felt a bead of sweat drip down the side of his face, down his back, and trailing down his chest. Small huffs of breath were released from his mouth, trying not to make it known that he was exhausted, but he continued until all of his energy was used up through the very end. 

“C’mon,” he muttered to himself, anticipating the certain words to be yelled out. 

He’d been going at it for a while now, muscles aching as he felt like he was about to collapse any minute. But he was determined to finish, to feel the satisfaction running through his veins, knowing that this was his best round. 

“And time!” His trainer yelled at him, clicking the stop button on his timer. 

Harry got in one last punch before putting his arms down, the soreness made his limbs feel like jello as he shook them out. The black leather punching bag was swinging back and forth, the chain that held up the speed bag rattled and slid against the metal bar. Harry loved that sound because it indicated that he was going his hardest to where the chain couldn’t keep up. 

“Nice one, kid.” Henson, his trainer said as he fist-bumped Harry’s red glove. 

Harry simply nodded in appreciation, too exhausted to speak as he placed his gloves onto his knees, leaning down as beads of sweat dripped down onto the matted floor. Several harsh breaths came out of his mouth as he sniffed in the fresh oxygen that was mixed with the musky scent of the gym. 

Benny, Harry’s best friend, exited the ring, wiping the sweat off his forehead with his arm before walking towards Harry, who was still leaning on his knees. Benny tapped Harry’s glove, making him stand up straighter, and Harry patted Benny’s back. 

“Good job out there, mate,” Harry told his best friend. Benny was in the ring with one of the other trainers, Mike, doing one of the nonstop routines. Harry liked training with Mike in the ring, but not when it was for cardio and timed rounds; he liked when it was chill, so he knew how hard he had to hit the target, which were the pads. But for the timed rounds they did, Harry was usually by the speed bags and Mike was in the ring. 

“You too, man,” Benny breathed out with a smile. 

They headed over to the bench to take their gloves off and catch a breather. The pair would do a  cardio day every Thursday to get a good, sweaty workout in, and it always left them exhausted, but definitely much stronger. 

“Hey, I’m not gonna be able to workout next Thursday,” Benny mentioned. Harry furrowed his brows as he put the end of the strap between his teeth to pull it off from the velcro, taking one glove off. 

“What? Why not?” Harry asked confusingly. They never really had to call off a workout, especially Thursdays, unless one of them was sick, but other than that, neither of them missed any workout days. 

“I’m taking the wife on a date,” Benny smirked, clearly very excited to spend some time with his wife, but Harry wasn’t amused. 

“On a Thursday? Why can’t you do that on Friday?” 

Benny rolled his eyes. “Because we both called off Friday, so we’re having a four day weekend to ourselves,” he explained. 

Harry huffed, clearly not entertained. “Guess so…” 

Benny knew Harry was always like this, ever since they were younger. The two had been so close ever since they met, now that Benny had a wife, Harry always felt like the third wheel and that he rarely saw Benny, however, that wasn’t entirely true Benny exercised with Harry every night during the weekdays, and sometimes they even grabbed a bite to eat afterward when Benny could use that time to be with his wife, Marianne. 

Harry had an overwhelming fear of abandonment, it led him to have anxieties about how Benny could just get up and walk out of his life, even though he wouldn’t. Maybe it was why Harry is so attached to him; he’s the closest to Harry and it would completely destroy him if Benny ever decided that he didn’t want to be his friend anymore. That fear only grew based on an unfortunate turn of events that happened in college, four years ago, and it left Harry to pieces. Benny had never seen Harry so broken where he literally had to pick him up and take care of him. He never wanted to see his best friend like that ever again because it absolutely crushed him. 

“It’s two days that we’re not going to be seeing each other, chill out. Didn’t know you were that in love with me,” Benny joked, hoping to lighten up Harry’s mood. Luckily, it worked because Harry breathed out a chuckle, throwing his towel at Benny’s face.

The two collected their belongings and walked over to the trainers as they always do at the end of every workout to have a light chat with them. Henson and Mike told them they did a great job and asked to confirm if they were still on for tomorrow, which Benny and Harry both agreed to. Benny also mentioned about not being able to work out next Thursday and Friday, including the reason why he wasn’t able to. 

Henson and Mike looked at each other as if they were keeping something from the two. Harry titled his head  and looked at Benny as if he was asking if he knew the reason why they were looking at each other weirdly, but Benny just shrugged his shoulders, just as clueless as Harry. 

“Are you gonna tell us why you’re acting suspiciously?” Harry asked. The two trainers both sighed defeatedly. 

“About that…” Henson started. “Next Friday…we’re closing,” he added. 

“Like, closing for the day?” Benny asked innocently, hoping they didn’t mean what he really thought. 

“No…for good,” Mike stated. Harry and Benny’s eyes both widened, words coming out of both of their mouths profusely. They were both talking over each other, disagreeing and not accepting the fact that the gym was shutting down. 

“You can’t just do that-”

“-No, we refuse to let you close down-”

“Alright, guys! Settle down. You’re starting to act like kids, for god's sake,” Henson interrupted the tantrum that was about to start. 

“You guys can’t just do that!” Benny exclaimed. 

“Why are you guys even doing that?” Harry asked. 

Mike sighed. “We mutually decided that it was best to close down because…we really need the money. My rent has been skyrocketing crazy high because more people have just decided that moving to Los Angeles is fun.” He rolled his eyes, and Harry slightly chuckled because it was true. Hollywood was the place to be and people from out of state had just figured out their new profound dream to move to one of the busiest cities. 

“Fight Night will never be forgotten, alright? We’re just ready to let this place go. Plus, the roof is leaking and the wall is tearing apart, and that’s gonna be a pain to fix,” Henson added. 

Mike and Henson were brothers and built Fight Night when they were in college. With the help of their father, they decided to build a place to gain strength and power, all while helping others defend themselves. Harry and Benny had been frequenting it ever since college, and it felt like home to them. Aside from the yelling and stuffy scent, it was a place for them to release any type of anger or stress.

Benny introduced Fight Night to Harry when he had physically picked Harry up from the ground on, what possibly was, the worst night of his life. It was something Harry looked forward to after classes, anxiously bouncing his leg up and down, waiting to get to the gym. Fight Night helped rebuild him, and now, he was in disbelief that the gym was closing. 

“We’re old as fuck now. We wanna live our lives freely. Time to retire now, don’t you think?” Mike said with a sad chuckle. They were both in their late fifties, so Harry and Benny understood why they wanted to be free of work. 

The four of them hugged it out, a very emotional and sentimental hug that was heartwarming but sad. Eyes were slightly watered before Henson pushed them and said, “We’re closing the gym next week, not fucking dying! We have time for this bullshit for an entire week.” 

Harry and Benny left the gym with bittersweet hearts, but they kept Fight Night close to them, knowing that they owed a lot to the gym and the two men who built the facility. Mike had recommended some gyms that were close by if they were still interested in boxing, which they definitely were, so they were planning to check them out first before signing up. 

“Do you wanna get something to eat?” Harry asked once they were outside of the gym. The air was humid, nothing different from inside the gym since it was summer and the sun was beginning to go down. 

“Nah, I’m good. Gonna get home to Marianne. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Benny pat Harry’s back, nodding. 

Harry waved. “See you.” He watched Benny walk away before getting into his silver 1990 BMW 5 series, sighing. He always hated going home, and he always tried staying out for as long as he possibly could. 

As he drove home, he anxiously tapped his hands on the steering wheel as he couldn’t quite keep them still. It’d been happening for a while, a lot more often than he’d like, but he couldn’t help it. 

Walking into the darkness and emptiness of his home, he sighed sadly as he sulked all the way to the restroom to shower. The hot steam relieved his achy and sore muscles, but he was hoping for this shower to also release any occurring and bad thoughts he had in his head. 

He couldn’t help but think about the gym closing down. After going there for years, he couldn’t imagine going to a new gym; he’d adapted and adjusted to Fight Night that it would take him forever to find a gym that truly made him feel wanted. He was scared, to say the least. 

Harry was never a big fan of change. He liked being comfortable and stable and didn't like to move around a lot. So, the thought of going to a different gym that wasn’t Fight Night, terrified him. It only added to the list of things that had abandoned him. 

Once he was out of the shower, white towel secured lowly on his hips, showcasing his beautiful toned torso that was filled and inked with tattoos, his pager beeped. He wondered who it was as he walked over to his nightstand, considering that it was nearing nine in the evening. 

He deeply sighed when he saw the pager read ‘345987,’ immediately knowing who it was. The pager code meaning ‘I’m horny’ could only mean it’s coming from Lizette. 

Deciding not to answer the page, Harry set his pager down before walking back to the restroom, only for his home phone to ring, causing him to stop in his steps and answer the phone. 

“Hello?” Harry answered. 

“Hey, baby,” Lizette said seductively. His brows furrowed, holding the towel to his waist as it had loosened up a bit. 

“What do you want?” 

“You know what I want…” He knew exactly what she wanted. If she hadn’t paged him, he would still know what she wanted from him since all he provided to her was sex. “Isn’t it such a coincidence that I’m outside of your door right now?” Harry didn’t say anything but pinch the bridge of his nose before hanging up. 

He walked towards his front door, sighing before opening the door that revealed Lizette on the other side, wearing a low cut top, cleavage clearly showing, and high waisted denim shorts. She leaned on the doorframe, smirking as she looked Harry up and down, noticing that he wasn’t wearing anything but a towel. Harry gulped as she stepped forward, placing her hands on his stomach before completely taking the towel off, and a smug smile plastered on her face. 

Harry lets her take over like he always did. The feel of someone else’s body holding his, and lips kissing his own and his skin was something he couldn’t compare to anything else. Harry simply only did this to have some companionship, and Lizette made him feel a lot less lonely even if she was only there to have sex with him. He enjoys it twenty-five percent of the time—the other seventy-five percent was him actually wallowing in wanting someone to love him for him. 

After they were done, Harry immediately covered himself with the blanket as Lizette got out of the bed to change back into her clothes. Even though they had sex multiple times and she’s seen him naked, there was something about the vulnerability after the sex that he didn’t want her to see because she didn’t quite deserve that if he was being honest. 

“I had fun. Call you next time,” Lizette bid him goodbye before smacking a big kiss to his cheek, leaving a lipstick stain on his skin. She walked herself out, and once Harry heard the slam of the front door closing, he cringed slightly, wiping the lipstick off. 

He turned onto his side, deeply exhaling. He didn’t feel anything but numbness—it was always like this. He used sex to cope with how he felt, but it only made it worse. Honestly, he didn’t know what else to do, so it was the only thing he turned to, other than boxing. 

Harry fell asleep in his lonely room by himself. His heart was empty and felt like an isolated building that only carried his sadness. 

The entire week had gone by in a flash — Fight Night was officially closed down for good. 

Harry and Benny helped clean the space out as they reminisced and talked about the memories that were made in that gym. A lot of the stories had to do with girls walking by the gym, glancing through the window to see men working out, and then promptly walking into the gym to try and hit on the guys. 

Harry had tried convincing Henson that he could run the gym, but he shot down the idea before Harry could convince him. 

“Kid, look. If you want to run your own gym, do it. I want you to own a gym under your name. Not mine or Mike’s. You deserve to have something of your own, and whatever that may be, work for it. Work hard for it. I know you got it in you because you’re a hard worker, determined. You need to see that for yourself.” 

A conversation that was supposed to convince Henson to let Harry run the gym turned into a sentimental series of words that Harry really needed to hear. Harry didn’t say anything else and nodded as he took in Henson’s words to his heart. Henson was someone Harry looked up to. He was an old man with wise words, and everything he said was either meaningful or mean, in a way to show tough love. So, his words were something Harry lived by. 

The following Monday after Fight Night closed, Benny and Harry were on the search for their new gym. They didn’t plan on quitting the gym after their favorite one had closed down, and Henson and Mike made them swear they wouldn’t stop working out. 

Now, the two were walking into a gym that was up the same amount of time Fight Night was. ‘Don’s Box’ was what the gym was called. The building was newly reconstructed, making the place seem more modern and a little less dingy. The space was quite big, able to fit two rings, six punching bags spread throughout, eight-speed bags, and a weight rack. The walls were painted black, but the amount of natural light from the window was plentiful enough to make the gym feel bigger and brighter. 

A decent amount of people were at the gym, sectioned off with a few kids from eight to twelve on one side, and the rest of the adults on the other. There was a good mix between women and men, and everyone hyped everyone up with motivating words and claps over the music that was playing through two speakers that were hung in the corner. 

“Can I help you?” An older man with gray hair had asked the two. He looked quite intimidating; wearing nylon sweatpants and a black long-sleeved shirt that was rolled up to his elbows, showing his gold watch. The look he had on his face was stern as he crossed his arms, waiting for an answer. 

“Uh, yeah. We’re interested in joining your gym,” Benny told the man. The man looked the two up and down and scoffed. 

“Sure you guys are ready for that?” 

“We’ve been boxing for years, so yeah, we are.” Harry chimed in, a slightly defensive tone added to his words. 

The man glared at Harry, stepping towards him. Harry was slightly taller than him, but he knew the man could definitely take him at any given moment, but Harry wasn’t looking to fight the man, honestly. He wanted to act and look tough in front of him, so the guy wouldn’t give him any crap for it later down the road during his workouts. 

“Alright, alright. Take it easy, pa.” You interrupted, placing a hand on the man’s shoulders, making him turn his head. You raised your brows at him before tilting your head a bit, telling him to step back. The man backed off, giving Harry a snarly glance before huffing. 

“I’m just messing. Gotta know how tough my athletes are to be here,” he spoke in a lighter tone than he was to the man in front of him, putting his arm around you. 

“Thought you were gonna ‘stay on the sidelines’ and let me handle it?” You quoted your father’s words back to him, and he chuckled, putting his hands up, surrendering as he knew he couldn’t win against you. 

“Alright, alright. I’ll let you handle it.” Don, your father, quickly looked at Harry up and down, and you rolled your eyes, knowing he wouldn’t do anything to potential customers. He walked away and you breathed out a chuckle, scratching your head. 

“Sorry about that. You two are interested in joining?” You asked the two men in front of you. They were rather…attractive, you noticed. The one on the left was gorgeous with beautiful brown skin that looked so smooth. He was wearing a pair of red short-shorts and a white muscle tee. You noticed that he was wearing a wedding ring, so you averted your eyes off of him. The man next to him, however, was absolutely stunning. His left arm carried a sleeve-full of tattoos, and you wanted so badly to examine and look at every single one. With chocolate brown curls, his green eyes had a tad bit of a glimmer to them, not too much though, because if you were being honest, they were a bit dull, like he was exhausted and needed to let off some of the stress that he held based on how tense he looked. 

You tried not to observe and think about it too much as your ability to read individuals thrived while meeting new people. You shook it off the thought, not wanting to assume things about their lives and seem too creepy in front of new and potential members. 

“Yeah, we are. I’m Benny, by the way.” He shook your hand, smiling. 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Y/N. I run this place.” You offered the same smile back. Your eyes looked over at his friend, and he gave you a soft smile. “Y/N,” you repeated, taking your hand out for him to shake. 

“I’m Harry. Harry Styles,” he introduced fully. A beautiful name for a beautiful man, you thought. He shook your hand as you felt the softness of his skin mixed with a tad bit of roughness from the callouses, probably from heavy-lifting. 

Something about Harry introducing his full name had made you a bit weak in the knees. His deep and accented voice had made you a bit flustered as chills ran up your body. You’re acting like a fool, your subconscious told you. You were never one to show your obvious attraction for men, you were more into watching them from the side. But once Harry walked in, it seemed like you didn’t know how to keep your chill. 

“Perfect. Nice to meet you both. Signing up shouldn’t be too long—don’t want to keep you two from working out.” You led the two men to one of the offices, knocking on the wooden door to greet Jamie. “Hi. These two are looking to sign up. Do you mind helping them out?” 

“Of course! Come on in, guys,” Jamie greeted them, offering them to take a seat along with some water, which they both said yes to. 

“I have to get back to my session, but you both are in great hands. Jamie is one of our best,” you told the two. You sent an innocent wink at Jamie, which he sent one back while Harry watched the entire interaction, feeling uneasy. 

It was quite obvious how attractive and pretty you were. The moment he first saw you, his breath had immediately hitched in his throat. You had the most gorgeous face he’d ever seen, and when you spoke, your voice was soft and gentle, making Harry a bit more safe in a place he’s new to. 

Jamie had gotten their details and credit card information down before asking them if they needed a tour of the place. They both had said no, seeing as things were pretty self-explanatory and they’d been to a boxing gym before. 

They headed out of Jamie’s office and to the main floor, walking over to the heavy bags since the section was less crowded to start stretching. Harry rolled his shoulders and neck around, swinging his arms forwards and backward as he looked around the gym. 

This was something he had to get used to—being in a new place, surrounded by new people. At Fight Night, he was around the same people for four years, and he was comfortable — he was fine with it. But now, he had to go through the same process all over again. Nerves and anxiety crept up his skin as he tried to jump around lightly, warming up a bit but also trying to shake off the unwanted feelings. 

“Hey, you okay?” Benny asked concerningly as he stretched. 

Harry’s brows raised, covering up his anxiousness. “Hmm, yeah, I am. Y’know, just a, uh, new place, that’s all,” he brushed him off. 

“Okay. Well, whenever you’re ready to go, just tell me,” Benny told him before going into his bag to grab the wrapping tape. 

Harry nodded, smiling in appreciation. Benny had always been a great friend to him, and Harry was a great friend to Benny as well. They always took each other’s feelings and concerns into consideration—always making sure the other is okay. They both really appreciated it because some friends weren’t lucky enough to talk about their feelings and be that vulnerable with one another. They trusted each other; they were like brothers. 

Harry grabbed his jump rope, deciding to do a little five-minute warm-up to get his heart rate going. He faced the boxing ring to the left of him, noticing that you were in the ring, so he decided to casually watch you box. He then noticed that you had boxing pads on instead of gloves, and the people you were training were the kids that he had seen earlier. 

He watched you instruct the excited kids who were prancing around with their boxing gloves on, in every color imagined. You helped them fix their form, their stance, and their punch; telling them that they had to be quick with their hit to bring their glove back to the side of their face quickly, so their opponent doesn’t have a chance to take a hit. The kids demonstrated for you, punching your right hand that was covered with the pad. You praised all of them, of course, correcting a few things, but overall, everyone was a natural fighter. 

Harry’s heart rate definitely started to pick up, and he didn’t know if it was how fast he was jumping rope or because of the flutter he felt as he watched you interact with the kids. He truly never felt this kind of feeling where his heart picked up from the simple act of looking at someone. 

You had definitely noticed Harry staring at you from your peripheral view, and you had thought it was a simple glance, but he never looked away. So, you took the opportunity to take a quick look at him while the kids were practicing. 

Your eyes met him and you sent him a small smile, along with a wave with your boxing pads. Harry’s eyes widened, realizing that you were waving at him, and what happened next had embarrassed him even more. With how fast he was jumping, he suddenly got tangled with the rope, causing him to trip against it. Luckily, he caught his fall, but he was already embarrassed enough. 

Harry’s heart completely dropped, cheeks flushed. He couldn’t believe he had made a complete fool of himself, especially at his new gym. He so badly wanted to tell Benny that he was ready to leave, but when he looked over at his friend, he had already started his workout, being so focused and in the zone that Harry didn’t want to be a burden. 

When he turned back around to see if you were still looking, he jolted back a bit as you were behind him. 

“Are you okay?” You asked concerningly. 

“Uh, yeah. I…yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.” He cleared his throat, trying to cover up the fact that his voice almost cracked. He was so stunned by you. The way you made sure he was okay was possibly the nicest thing someone had done for him as you looked at him with your sweet eyes, and your posture was giving him your full attention. His heart pounded through his chest; the simple action and effort that was being put into this was making him overwhelmed. 

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything, yeah?” You told him as you looked at him intently. He simply nodded, knowing that he couldn’t process any more words. 

You gave him one last smile before quickly going back to your students. He watched you climb into the ring so effortlessly before continuing your training class. 

Harry took a deep breath before walking over to one of the speed bags that was in the corner, hoping to hide away from the embarrassment that he felt. Wrapping his hands up, he anxiously scanned the room, noticing that everyone was doing their own thing. There was a possibility that no one else had seen him almost fall on his face, except you, which he really wished that it was the entire gym who saw him instead, not you. He lazily hit the speed bag, trying to warm up and shake off his mortification. Harry continued hitting the bag, eventually getting into a rhythm as his fists alternated between one another, along with the rhythm of the music of Montrell Jordan’s ‘This Is How We Do It.’ 

Soon enough, all the worry and stress that was in Harry’s head and body was shaken off and completely forgotten about as he focused on his strong punches, making sure to connect his mind to his muscles, so he could feel his muscles working. 

And for the time being, life wasn’t all that bad. 

A month had passed since being at Don’s Box, and Harry and Benny quite liked it. They had newer equipment and their music was always on point, playing the best of 90s R&B and Hip-Hop. It was their favorite music to listen to, especially while working out. The people there were nice and cool, never getting in each other’s way and letting everyone do their own thing while still having fun, keeping the space safe and comfortable. 

Harry found himself walking into the gym at nine at night, an hour and a half before it closed. Usually, he wouldn’t work out this late, but during the day, he had felt so unmotivated and lazy to even get out of bed. He could put the blame on Lizette because she had gone to his house the night prior, doing the same thing they always do, but he knew she wasn’t the one to blame. Something about saying no to her and having her not talk to him had physically pained him. They were in a specific arrangement, he knew that. But having someone leave him again was something he couldn’t go through. 

‘What’s Luv?’ by Fat Joe, Ja Rule, and Ashanti was playing when he set his bag down onto the ground against the wall, next to the heavy bag. He started to stretch as he took a look around; not many people were working out at this time, which he liked. 

His eyes continued to search the gym, in hopes he would find you still here. Before the slightest bit of disappointment could settle, he saw you walk out of the hallway with Jamie, smiling and laughing at something he had said. He made a face as a hint of jealousy rushed through as he saw you with Jamie. He knew that there was no point in being jealous because he barely even knew you. But for the past month that he’s been at Don’s Box, you always had this look of excitement on your face when you saw and greeted Harry. It made his stomach flutter every time you would flash him your beautiful smile as you would carry the conversation, asking him about his day and if the music was good, which he commends you for putting his favorite songs on. 

Looking away, he decided to just focus on the quick workout he could get in before the gym closed, so he retained his attention back to stretching before bending down to grab the tape from his bag to wrap his hands. 

“Uh, hi, Harry,” you smiled as you greeted him. He looked up at you. The way the light was positioned behind your head made you look like an actual angel; you were ethereal. 

He stood up and smiled softly. “Hi. How are you?” He asked, trying to contain his nerves from just looking at you. You were gorgeous, as you always are every day. You were wearing a pair of black leggings and a light pink t-shirt that was tied into a knot with the word ‘angel’ that was surrounded by wings printed in the middle. Kind of a coincidence, he thought, thinking back to when he called you an angel in his head. 

“Good, good. You’re here later than usual—without Benny too,” you pointed out, but immediately cursed at yourself for making such an odd observation and telling it to his face as if you were keeping track of the times he’s gone into the gym. 

“Yeah, I was pretty…tired during the day, so the only time I got a burst of energy was right now. And Benny is with his wife and in-laws tonight, so it’s just me tonight,” he explained with a soft chuckle. 

“Well, glad you got the chance to make it in,” you said genuinely. He simply nodded, not knowing what else to say but instead he captured himself into you as you stared at him with your captivating eyes that spoke right through him. What was happening to him? He thought. This hadn’t really happened before, and he was good at letting his walls go up and guarding his precious heart. 

“Hey, I’m gonna head out,” Jamie said, greeting you goodbye, and taking Harry out of his thoughts. “Hey, man. Have a good workout.” He shook Harry’s hand, and Harry smiled, nodding. 

“See you tomorrow,” you told Jamie, smiling a bit as you waved. Jamie left the gym, and it was just you and Harry, along with a few other people who were wrapping up their workout. 

“Are you not gonna go with him?” Harry asked, and you raised your brows in confusion. 

“Why would I go with him?” You wondered. 

“Oh, I just thought you would leave with him, y’know, your boyfriend…” he trailed off, slyly slipping in the word boyfriend in that sentence. 

You giggled, shaking your head. “No, no. Jamie isn't my boyfriend. I’ve known him since I was ten, but nothing’s ever happened between us. Besides, he has a boyfriend of his own.” Harry raised his brows in shock as his shoulders visibly relaxed. “No need to worry, Harry. I’m all yours,” you flirted a bit. You normally wouldn’t flirt so easily with someone, especially if they were a member of your gym, but something about Harry had made you release all the stress you had once you saw and talked to him. 

Harry blushed, grinning as his dimple popped out on his cheek. Your eyes lightened once you noticed that feature, making you think that he was ten times cuter than he already is. 

“You’ve been in the ring, right?” You asked curiously. Harry nodded, and the corner of your lips turned up. “Great! We have about a little less than an hour and a half, so if you’re looking for some intense cardio, I could do it with you—y’know, train you and guide you, and whatnot,” you suggested. 

If Harry’s being honest, he wasn’t planning on doing cardio today—just a few routines to get his muscles warm, but the way you’re looking at him and how you spoke to him so softly and effortlessly, he couldn’t say no. 

“Yeah, I’m up for it,” he responded. Your eye brightened, resisting the urge to squeal from excitement, telling him that you were going to get the mitts and to meet you in the ring. He chuckled slightly as you walked over to the equipment room to get the mitts. Harry quickly hit the speed bag to warm up until he saw you walk out of the room. 

He put on his gray sweater and a green packers beanie, so he could sweat more before he met you in the ring with his gloves pressed between his arm and the side of his body. You put the mitts in between your legs as Harry handed you one of the gloves. Holding onto the end of it, he put his hand inside as you pushed the glove towards him, so it would sit on his hand tightly before strapping it securely for him before proceeding to the next one. The proximity between you two was quite close as you helped him put on the gloves, and you could smell the faint scent of cologne mixed with the slightest bit of sweat, giving him that unique musk; the one that doesn’t smell horrible at all but lured you in. 

You quickly snapped out of your thoughts and looked up at Harry. “Good?” He nodded, punching the gloves together to make sure they felt comfortable. “Ready?” 

“Let’s do this,” Harry said, skipping in place to warm his body up before getting into his stance. His left leg was a few feet away from his right leg as he bounced around a bit, waiting for you. 

You faintly smirked, nodding your head before you put on the mitts. Since Harry was very familiar with the mitt workouts, you figured that you didn’t need to explain what each number represented since mostly all trainers and coaches use the same numbers for the same punch. 

“Okay, let’s warm up a bit. Give me one,” you instructed. Harry put his gloves up to protect his face as you held your right mitt up. With his left hand, he punched your mitt, not giving his full strength. “Is that all you got?” You challenged, knowing that he had more power in him. 

“I-I don’t want to hurt you,” he said honestly with a small pout, standing straight from his boxing stance. Usually, you would take offense to that statement, barking back a comment saying that just because you were a girl it didn’t mean you couldn’t take a hit, but you didn’t go that far into it, knowing Harry didn’t mean it that way whatsoever. 

“You’re not gonna hurt me, Harry. I’ve trained so many people—all with different body types and strengths. My hand has felt all different types of power, so hit the mitt like you mean it.” You hit his shoulder, building up his motivation. He nodded, getting back into his stance as did you. “Now, give me one.” 

This time, Harry’s glove met your mitt with full potential and force, and you took the hit well—not moving back or being stunned. 

“There you go! Keep going,” you told him, and he continued giving you jabs. ‘In Da Club’ by 50 Cent was blaring through the speakers as Harry breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. Several huffs of breath came out loudly as he punched, moving and dancing around the ring with you as the two of you occasionally shifted and switched positions. 

Harry got in a few more punches before you switched it up, telling him, “1-2.” Harry jabbed with his left hand and crossed jabbed with his right hand, putting his full range of motion into his right punch. He did that combination five times as he started to feel sweat dripping down his back and the sides of his forehead. 

You were yelling out words of encouragement and motivation, praising him for his punches, to which he responded back with a better and solid punch to your mitts. 

“Nice!” You took a step back to move around the ring to take advantage of the space as Harry jumped and skipped around to wherever you directed him to. “Wanna take a break?” You asked. He shook his head no, determined to finish this workout that he couldn’t even think about wanting to take a break because he really didn’t want to. “Okay, 1-4-3,” you told him. With force, he jabbed, hooked with his left hand, and hooked with his right hand. 

This feeling that he had felt—being in the ring with you—was something entirely different than when he was in the ring with Henson or Mike. The stress that he physically carried onto his shoulder had washed away into nothingness, leaving him with a drive that didn’t include overthinking and fear. The fear that had left him worried and depressed, that his life would amount to nothing—that fear disappeared inside him once he threw the first punch. It was exhilarating and fun, and he didn’t know he could have this much fun in the ring. But this was the most pleasure he’s ever felt while boxing. 

You ordered him to do some different combinations, such as ‘1-2-3-5,’ which was a jab, cross jab, leading hook, and rear uppercut. You also included moments when he had to duck because you were swinging at him. He definitely had gotten into a rhythm, punching and moving faster. You were the trainer, the person that was supposed to instruct him, but you matched his rhythm and energy and moved quicker with him as well. 

You were starting to get a sweat in as well, and that was mostly because of the adrenaline rushing through your blood as you moved excitedly around the ring. 

After a while, a timer had gone off, telling you that it was time to close up as Harry’s focus was cut off—the sound making him look up hastily. Throughout the time you were working out with Harry, people were slowly starting to make their way out, but the two of you were too focused on working out that you hadn’t even noticed that it was just the two of you left in the gym. 

“Oh, guess we’re closing.” You stood up straighter, wiping the sweat on your forehead with your forearm. “Feelin’ good?” You asked Harry with a proud smile. 

“Feelin’ great,” he smirked. 

“Good, I’m glad. You did great!” You complimented, ripping the velcro strap with your teeth as you took off the mitts. Harry did the same, shaking out his arms as he clenched and unclenched his fists to relieve the ache from making a fist for more than an hour. 

“Thank you. You’re a really great trainer, by the way. This was…the first time I had fun in the ring,” he told you honestly, and without knowing, the slightest bit of him had opened up to you. 

Your eyes brightened, a glimpse of shimmer reflected on your eyes. “Really? Thank you, that makes me really happy, actually.” You felt like you were going to cry on the spot. No one, except your younger students, had ever told you that they had fun in the ring since most people used boxing as a way to get stronger and improve their punches. But fun? That was the first, and you would definitely keep that with you forever. 

You and Harry walked to one end of the ring as Harry held open the top two ropes with his hand as he stepped on the bottom two ropes with his foot, holding it open for you to get out. You blushed, thanking him before you got out of the ring as he followed you out. 

Once you two were on the ground, you turned around to face him. You watched as he took off his beanie, shaking his hair out as they bounced; curls were now formed into waves because of the heat and the sweat that had produced in his beanie. He looked…extra good right now. With his cheeks flushed, hair messy, and sweat dripping down his forehead, you couldn’t put into words how incredibly sexy he looked. 

You cleared your throat, not wanting to get caught for ogling him. “I, uh, have to check on some things before closing. Take your time! And I’ll see you on Monday?” You raised your brows and curled your lips in as you looked up at him. A sense of flustered-ness settled in you as you waited for his answer. 

He breathed out a chuckle as he looked down briefly before looking back into your eyes again. “Yeah, I’ll see you.” You nodded your head, waving at him before you headed over to the office. Harry smiled as he watched you walk into the hallway until he couldn’t see you anymore. 

A small blush formed onto his cheeks as he contained himself from smiling too big and too wide. He put all of his stuff back into his bag, grabbing his towel, ridding the sweat off his skin. Grabbing his belongings, he took another glance at the hallway, hoping to get another look at you before he took off, but you were occupied with closing the gym, so he didn’t bother staying any longer. 

With a small smile on his face, he walked out of the gym, taking in this new profound feeling that he’d never felt before, hoping this feeling would last. 

The next morning, Harry had a sudden urge to go back to the gym. His upper body was quite sore, but he figured he could do some leg exercises to balance the soreness he felt. He normally wouldn’t workout on the weekends since those were his rest days, but despite being sore, he didn’t feel tired. It could also do with the fact that he wanted to see you again, not wanting to wait until Monday to do that again. 

When he walked into the gym, ‘Ride Wit Me’ by Nelly was playing and his head slightly bopped to the music, walking over to the corner of the gym to warm up. He scanned the gym, looking for a particular person, but couldn’t find you. There were a decent amount of people, not too crowded or too little, so it should’ve been easy to find you. Thinking that you were probably in your office, he shook off the slight disappointment and got ready to workout. 

Throughout his workout, his head wasn’t in it. He kept glancing through the mirror to see if you had shown up, but you hadn’t. His eyes were always looking over at the front door every time someone would walk in, but a small frown settled onto his face when he realized it wasn’t you. 

He wrapped up his workout an hour later, thinking that he somewhat still got a good workout in. He walked out of the gym, saying bye to some of the guys that had caught him before he left. 

It was nearing noon when his stomach had growled, urging him to consume some food. There was a Mediterranean hole-in-the-wall restaurant right across Don’s Box, and his mouth watered at the thought of it. He walked to his car that was parked on the side of the street to drop his bag off before walking across the street to the restaurant. 

He scanned the menu, standing on the side since he didn’t know what he was ordering yet. The sound of the door ringing and a voice that was speaking to him brought him out of his thoughts. 

“Are you in line?” Harry turned his head towards the voice, and his heart nearly beating ten times faster when he saw you. He had a shocked expression on his face, not expecting to see you, especially when you were wearing the complete opposite of what he normally sees you in. You were wearing a pair of blue denim overalls with a black t-shirt underneath, along with white Reebok sneakers. You had a bit of makeup on; an orange sparkly eyeshadow look with some mascara that made your eyelashes look full and natural. Your lips were painted in a red-orange lipstick stain, bringing out more of your natural lip color. 

The beauty that Harry’s eyes were blessed with made his knees weak, sending shivers to his skin. Your angelic appearance had struck him so hard that he was sure he would see the light of day, hoping to meet you up there since you were a real-life angel. 

“Y/N…hi,” he managed to spit out. 

“Hi, Harry. Did you just workout?” You asked. 

He nodded, feeling a bit nervous. “Uh, yeah, I did.” 

“You don’t usually go in on Saturdays…” you noticed, only seeing him during the weekdays. You’re off on Saturdays, but there was one Saturday that you had gone into the gym briefly, and you didn’t see him there. 

“Yeah, I felt like going in today,” he said, obviously leaving out the part that he only went to the gym to see you again, but you didn’t need to know that bit. There was a moment of silence between you two until Harry remembered that he was probably holding up the line for you. “Oh, you could go ahead. I’m not ready to order yet.” 

You smiled, nodding your head as you stepped forward in the line. “Have you ever been here before?” 

“No, I haven’t. Do you have any suggestions?” 

You slightly squinted your eyes at him. “Do you trust me?” You asked. 

That was a difficult question for him, and somewhat vague. Did you mean overall, at the moment, or for his food order? Either way, he nodded because he knew that it didn’t matter what you meant--he had this sense of security with you that he would trust you with his life, and that said a lot, considering that he’d only known you for a month. 

“Yeah, I do trust you,” he stated honestly. 

His words brought a grin to your face, looking at him appreciatively. Based on your observations of him, you noticed that he was a bit closed off; he didn’t open himself up, and if he did, it took a lot in him to do just that. So, hearing him tell you that he trusts you made you grateful, and you would never do anything to take advantage of that trust because he didn’t just give it out easily. 

“I got you,” you simply said before turning back around towards the cashier. Harry softly smirked as he took a step forward to stand next to you. You looked at him, flashing him a toothy grin before quickly facing forward. 

You ordered your favorite dish from the restaurant, which was a beef kabab plate, for the both of you. Harry quickly got his wallet out, offering to pay, but you told him that you got it this time, hoping your words conveyed that you wanted there to be a next time. He shyly thanked you for the lunch, keeping your words in mind because he would definitely be up for a ‘next time.’ 

Luckily, you didn’t have to wait long for your order to come out, which was fortunate for Harry because he was starving. You suggested eating outside since it was a beautiful day out and Harry agreed, following you out of the restaurant. 

You two sat on the metal chairs, digging into your dishes. Harry’s mouth watered as he ate, his stomach being satisfied. There was a comfortable silence that settled between you two, only making small conversation when you asked if he liked the food, which you were glad to hear that he loved. 

“So, how long have you been running Don’s Box?” He suddenly asked, wanting to get to know you better. 

You raised your brows at his question. “For about two years now. My father, Don, opened the gym when he was twenty-five, that’s when he had me as well. But when he opened the gym, it practically changed his life. He’d boxed all of his life, and he was happy training other people when he started getting more people to come into his gym. When I was about six, he told me that he wanted me to run the gym when I turned twenty-five, only if I wanted to. But of course, I did. I looked up to him all of my life, and the gym made me happy as well,” you explained, smiling at the memory of when you were younger, being excited to turn twenty-five to do the same thing your father did. 

A soft smile appeared on Harry’s face as you reminisce on the memory. 

“How long have you been boxing?” 

“Since I was eight. Don showed me the ropes when I told him I was ready. There used to be a seating area on the side of the ring because when I was younger, I used to sit there and watch him work and train people. So, I was pretty interested and intrigued about fighting to get myself stronger, even at the young age of eight,” you chuckled. 

You were a daddy’s girl, always had been since you were born. Don had always set a pretty amazing example of how you should go about living your life. He would always say ‘Live your life with a strong punch. Keep your head up, and don’t let anything get to you because you’re so much more than what other people say. But if you need to cry, you can—there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.’ 

As your eyes watered from the thought of your father’s words, Harry watched as you got emotional and he couldn’t help but think that you’ve crossed a line in asking too many questions. 

“Sorry, I always get emotional-”

“I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped—I should’ve kept the questions to myself-”

“Oh, no! You didn’t overstep whatsoever. I’m glad you asked me those questions, I just get soft and emotional over my dad, so hence, I’m tearing up,” you let out a somewhat pathetic chuckle as you couldn’t believe that you almost cried in front of this gorgeous man. You dabbed the corners of your eyes with your napkin, stopping the tears from falling out. 

Harry nodded understandingly, waiting for you to regroup yourself. You kept apologizing, but he kept telling you that you had nothing to be sorry for. 

“Really, if you need to cry, you can…” he told you. Your eyes widened; you were just thinking about your dad’s words two minutes ago, and for Harry to say the exact same thing Don had always told you without even knowing that Don had said those words. 

Not wanting to cry in front of him, you simply nodded your head, holding the napkin on the outer corner of your eye, so the napkin would catch your tears. 

Harry quickly changed the subject, sensing that you needed it, and you really did, so you were grateful for that. He busied himself by telling you what his favorite ice cream flavor was since he was suddenly reminded that there was a shop just down the street. He kept you occupied by talking about all the sweet treats that he used to eat with his mom back home, and how much he missed walking down the streets in the city to eat some ice cream. 

“My mum used to make this really great chocolate mousse pie, and we would eat it every weekend. It was extremely sweet, but it was delicious. I really miss it…” he told you. That had been a while ago, but it was like he could still taste the dessert as if he just ate it yesterday. 

“Is your mom back home in England?” You asked, figuring that there wasn’t any harm in asking to get to know him since he asked you some questions as well. 

“Uh…actually, I don’t know where she is…” he said honestly, and you knitted your brows in confusion. “I mean, honestly. I don’t know where she is. Ever since I went to uni, she’s been all over the place, taking vacations and barely calling. I-I feel like she’s forgotten about me,” he spoke ever so softly as he was fragile. 

You listened to him intently, giving him your full attention as he was opening up a part of his life that you knew he doesn’t tell a lot of people. A part of him that he’s kept in for so long and just the passing sense of relief he felt saying those words and speaking up about this subject had made him feel so much better. 

“I’m sure she didn’t forget about you.” 

“Seemed like it. We inherited my grandfather’s will—left us a generous amount for each of us that’ll take care of us for the rest of our lives. And she took that and ran with it. I mean, I get it—she wants to live her life, and now’s the time to do that because she’s got the money for it, but I feel…abandoned. She got up, said goodbye, and just…left. It just makes me think that I’m not good enough—that I wasn’t good enough to stay.” Harry opened a can of worms that he can’t take back anymore. But the trust that he had in you already made him want to talk about everything with you; to open up about all of his stresses and insecurities. 

Boldly, you reached your arm across the table but immediately pulled away because you didn’t want to touch him without asking. But before you could open your mouth and ask, Harry had reached forward, meeting your hand halfway as his palm was facing up as if it was a way of saying ‘you can hold my hand if you want.’ Blushing, you reached forward again and took your hand into his. 

The touch was sweet and tender as you two held hands; the want to hold each other tighter was present, wanting to take away Harry’s pain. 

“Harry, you will always be good enough. I know we just met a month ago, but I already know that you’re the sweetest, kindest person. Please know that. You are enough, and I’m grateful that you’re here and that I’m sitting across from you, eating lunch,” you declared. Harry sniffled, not knowing what to say as he put his head down, so you continued. “For as long as we’re friends, I’m gonna stay.” You spoke with complete honesty as you caressed the back of his hand with your thumb. 

Harry’s head lifted up at your last statement in disbelief as if this was the first time someone had ever said that to him. 

“Really?” 

You squeezed his hand, making his heart flutter. “Yeah. As long as you want me to,” you reassured, nodding. 

Harry gave you a soft and appreciating smile as he took a deep breath. The breath that he held in throughout the entirety of the conversation was finally let out in relief. He shrunk back into his seat, still holding your hand as you continued rubbing it, and he breathed out a chuckle. It was an overwhelming feeling that was riddled with happiness and a sense of security washed over him. 

It was like he had been waiting for you; someone new that unexpectedly came into his life was scary because it was change, but it was a good change. A change for the better. He had been vulnerable enough to open himself up, and it all led to the tight bond and trust you two had with one another, sealing your friendship and relationship. 

And you both knew this moment was going to change everything. 

Time had passed by rather quickly as it was nearing the end of October. The weather was getting chillier as the sun was beginning to disappear behind the clouds earlier. There was something about the fall weather that Harry adored. It may have to do with the fact that the gloomy sky had occurred more often, or how he got to call it a night early. Whatever it may be, he liked it, or he used to. 

In recent times, he wanted the sun to stay out until it was time to go to bed. He wanted warm days instead of gloomy. His new changed attitude towards life had to do with you. 

You and Harry had been hanging out quite a lot; getting to know one another, getting a bite or drink, and working out together, it definitely gave Harry the chance to let go of his past. He was happier, smiled more, and laughed a lot which he didn’t know he was capable of doing those things again until he met you. 

Benny loved it, though. He sure cherished it because seeing his best friend happy again was something he was afraid he wouldn’t see again. But that didn’t stop him from having a little talk with you, trying to protect Harry and set you straight. 

When Harry was occupied with hitting the speed bag, Benny walked over to the ring, where you had just finished another class with your younger students. 

“Hey, Benny!” You greeted him once you saw him walk towards you. 

“Hey, do you mind chatting for a minute?” You raised your brows, nodding your head. Benny usually didn’t talk to you privately nor was it anything serious, but by the look on his face, it seemed pretty serious. “So, you’ve been hanging out with Harry a lot, hmm?” 

You smiled softly. “Yeah! Hope you don’t mind that? Know I’m taking your best friend and all…” 

“No, I don’t mind. I’m actually glad you are. He seems quite taken by you, and I haven’t seen him like that in a very long time,” Benny said honestly. You seemed to know where this conversation was going now, and now that you thought about it, you expected this from Benny because they were like brothers and Benny would do anything to protect Harry. “What I’m trying to say is…if you’re only hanging out with him to fuck with him, don’t bother. He’s been through enough, and I know he can’t handle anymore of that and I can’t stand to see him like that again.” 

“Like what?” You hesitatingly asked. 

“Like…just know that he was a mess. He couldn’t get up, eat, drink, shower, or anything. I had to physically help him. I don’t want to see him like that ever again.” Benny shook his head as if he was reliving the horrible nightmare that he went through a few years ago. 

“Is this about his mom?” 

“He told you that?” He asked, just to make sure, and you nodded. “Kind of. But that’s only half of it. He’ll tell you when he’s ready, but I’ve already said too much. Just…take care of him, okay? He tries to act tough sometimes, but he’s trying his best to not break down. Although, I haven’t seen that kind of look on him since he’s been hanging out with you, so you’re probably doing something right.” 

You nodded understandingly. “Thanks for talking to me. I don’t plan on breaking his heart at all, and I’m quite taken with him myself,” you admitted. 

“Good. I’m glad you are. He’s a great guy.” Benny smiled, and you agreed. 

Benny didn’t talk to you for much longer before he started getting cold from standing around, so he ended the conversation and went back to working out. 

Meanwhile, as you and Benny were talking, Don took the chance himself to talk to Harry, seeing as you were occupied. 

“Harry.” Don made himself present around him. 

Harry immediately stopped his workout, greeting your father. “What’s up, Don?” 

“So, I’ve noticed that you’ve been hanging around Y/N a lot.” Don’s stance changed as he crossed his arms, sporting a slight frown. Harry gulped; he always found Don to be quite intimidating, ever since he joined the gym, but Harry didn’t want to seem like he couldn’t have a serious conversation with the father of the woman that he’s slowly falling for--no, he couldn’t act like that. “What’s that all about?” Don added. 

“I’m just…we’re friends, so we’re just hanging out. Nothing more,” he told Don honestly. Although he would like there to be more, he didn’t know how you felt about him or if you even felt anything for him at all. 

Don nodded. He could tell that Harry was holding back on something he wanted to say, and he had an idea of what that was. So, he let loose of the intimidating and protective act, knowing that wasn’t really him anyway, and his expression softened as he uncrossed his arms. He placed a comforting hand on Harry’s shoulder, taking a deep breath. 

“You have this look of wanting to say more and you don’t have to tell me, but I will tell you this…if you want to date her and go out with her, you can. This isn’t approval and a ‘yes’ for you to take her out because I don’t need to do that--she can make her own decisions. All I’m saying is that if you want to, go for it. Life is too fuckin’ short to not do anything, to not say anything.” 

Harry’s shoulders relaxed and he smiled in appreciation at Don’s words. “Thanks, Don. I definitely want to take her out, but I just don’t know how she feels about me.” 

“Oh, I’m pretty sure she feels something for you--she hasn’t told me, but I just know. You’re the first guy in a while that she’s been hanging around with consistently, and that comforts me, in a way. Knowing that she’s living her life and not holding back anymore.” Harry stayed silent, taking his words in. He tried not to overanalyze what Don had said because you’ll tell him and open up to him when you want to, just like how you’re patiently waiting for Harry to open up fully as well. “Just…don’t break her heart, okay? She’s been through enough and I just want her to be happy.” 

Harry nodded understandingly, saying a soft ‘okay’ before Don changed the subject and talked about how  Harry should train with him one of these days, which Harry immediately said yes to and they planned for the following week to train. Don left him to finish his workout, telling him to have a nice night as you and Harry were going out to dinner. 

Benny and Harry finished up their workout, and before they were able to head out the front door, Harry stopped, telling Benny to give him a minute. Harry fast-walked towards you, lugging his bag on his shoulder. You were coming out of your office, which was why Harry couldn’t say goodbye to you after his workout. 

“Hey, we’re heading out,” he said, wiping the bit of sweat on the back of his neck with his towel. 

“Oh, okay. I’ll see you later?” 

“Yeah, I’ll pick you up,” Harry suggested, pursing his lips into his mouth as he contained his smile. You nodded, eyes sparkling as you looked up at him. “I’ll, uh, page you,” he slightly smirked. 

“Okay,” you mindlessly responded as you were getting quite lost in his green eyes that looked at you intently with a gleam that sat so perfectly against his irises, making his eyes glimmer brightly.

He gave you one last smile and a little wave before walking out of the gym with Benny. You were left stunned as you stood there, completely drifted away from reality as you were in a dream about Harry. You felt a small nudge on your shoulder, causing you to snap out of your thoughts and dream as you turned around to see your father laughing. 

“Get back to work.” A smug plastered on his face. 

A breathy chuckle was released from your mouth as a hint of embarrassment emerged onto your face with wide eyes. You got back to work, focusing your attention on training your next client, but your mind was racing at the thought of Harry. 

As he promised, Harry paged you when he was outside of your apartment complex. He wanted to knock on your door like the proper gentleman that he is, but the buzzer machine to let people in wasn’t working, so paging you would have to do for now. He waited for you outside of his newly washed car, making sure it was nice and clean for you as he leaned against the passenger door. 

You walked out of your building, and Harry was immediately blown away. You were wearing a black skirt with stockings that hugged your legs, and a white knitted sweater since it was on the chillier side. 

Every time he saw you, his heart would beat incredibly fast, pulse pounding through his veins. His stomach was in flits of butterflies, soaring in his heart and stomach, making him extremely nervous. Every time he saw you, everything would stop, like you were the only person in the world and everything was okay. 

“Hey, H,” you flashed him your smile, one that he looked forward to every time he saw you. 

“H-Hi,” he stuttered, clearing his throat to start over. “Hi. You look really nice.” 

You blushed. “Thank you! You look great as well. Love this top.” You reached forward, lightly tugging at his red-orange knitted long-sleeve. He paired it with blue jeans that flared at the bottom with white sneakers. His fingers were covered in beautiful silver rings, making his hands look quite gorgeous. 

“Thank you, shall we?” 

“Yeah, oh, I got you something.” You reached into your bag to take out the cased CD, and before Harry was about to protest, you handed it to him. “I made you this mixtape. Just some songs that I think you’ll like—I’m sure you know all of them, but they just made me think of you,” you said shyly. 

You weren’t normally shy and you would call yourself a pretty strong and confident person, but you had been so nervous to give this to him—even making the tape left you anxious and shaking. 

“Wow, this is…very thoughtful of you. Thank you so much.” Harry looked at the CD with the songs written in your handwriting. There were 10 songs, and Harry knew all of them. They were all…romantic songs. 

“That’s not weird, right? Y’know, making you a mixtape?” You asked unsurely. The odd feeling had popped into your mind at the last second as you watched Harry observe the CD, not giving a bad nor good reaction to your gift. 

“No, not at all! I really appreciate this. No one has ever made a mixtape for me before, so this is really nice and special. Thank you again.” He reached forward, wrapping one arm around your shoulders as both of your arms found their way around his waist. You somewhat weren’t convinced that he liked it, and he could tell just by how you were looking at him--looking for some more reassurance--that it seemed like he didn’t like it. When he pulled away, he looked at you before saying, “Really, it makes me happy that you took the time to make this for me. It’s so sweet and thoughtful of you, and I already love all the songs on here, so I’m one-hundred-percent going to enjoy this.” 

You nodded, smiling softly as he opened the door for you and you thanked him, blushing as you got in. It seemed very much like a date and you couldn’t help but smile at the thought of that. 

Harry drove to the sandwich shop that waited for you both. It was twenty minutes away on the other side of the town, but Harry had been raving about it so much to you that you told him that you two should go, which Harry was more than happy to take you. 

The sound of Boyz II Men filled the speakers of Harry’s car as the two of you sang your hearts out to ‘On Bended Knees,’ putting full emotion and passion into singing. You held up your water bottle, pretending that it was a microphone, and Harry kept shifting his gaze on you, trying to keep his eyes on the road, but also wanting to look at you as you sang. He smiled to himself, absolutely loving how you were so carefree--something that he admired about you. 

His heart fluttered, curling his lips into his mouth before he did something that was quite bold of him to do. Reaching over, he grabbed your hand, intertwining your fingers together. Your body was frozen, but you continued to sing, covering up the fact that Harry was holding your hand so casually. You were stiff as a board, so you tried loosening up, swaying your body from side to side, slightly averting your eyes towards him as he continued to drive. 

The moonlight cast through the car window, giving him a dim glow, accentuating his features; jawline prominent, his lashes shadowed down onto his cheeks, and his eyes were calm; the light reflecting against his glassy green eyes. Your heartbeat a million miles a minute as you looked at him. You had this appreciation and admiration for him--that you were lucky and grateful that you have him and that there was nothing more beautiful than the man sitting beside you. 

With your face on fire, you smiled as you carried on, singing with the warmth of Harry’s hand connected with yours. 

You were sitting across Harry, munching on your sandwich as you listened to him talk about how he wanted to actually find a job. He’s been sitting around, living quite wealthy as his inheritance sat safely. But he’d been getting bored. Every day was a routine for him and it was a pretty boring routine, he would say. The only places he really went to were the gym and the places that the two of you went together, but that was it. He needed a hobby, something that he could escape to that doesn’t require breaking a sweat from punching bags and mitts. 

“You said you like books, so maybe you could see if the bookstore down the street from the gym is hiring. That would be a nice little place to work at,” you suggested. 

Harry’s eyes lightened up, apart from thinking that was a great idea and the other part from being surprised that you remembered such a small detail about him when he’d talked about books briefly with you. 

“I should definitely do that, thank you. I love that bookstore, it’s-”

“Y/N?” Harry was interrupted by a man who had walked over to your table. Harry looked up, observing the guy as he was looking at you so intently. He quickly looked at you as you were looking up at the man with a shocked expression on your face, wide eyes and mouth slightly opened. 

“Uh, hi,” you said, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Your eyes glanced at Harry and he had a worried expression on his face, eyes asking if you were okay. You nodded softly, bringing your attention back to him. 

“I-I’ve been calling the gym and paging you, but you haven’t been answering any of them…” the man mentioned slyly. You were quite speechless, not expecting him to be here and not knowing what to say. 

“I, uh-”

“Can we talk right now?” He asked. You were flickering your eyes between Harry, someone that you were completely infatuated with, and the man that you were completely irritated with. But if you didn’t talk to him right now, he wouldn’t leave you alone and wouldn’t stop calling you, so you made the mistake of saying a soft ‘okay’ as you got up, looking over at Harry, giving a subtle smile. 

Just by the way he was looking at you, you knew you had regretted your decision and you wished that you hadn’t given in so easily. 

Once you were outside, you crossed your arms, in a way to seem reserved and closed off, but in reality, you really were. The uncomfortableness you felt was something you haven’t felt in a while as it felt like your stomach was boiling as bile salivated your mouth. Your fists were hidden underneath your arms, clenching, and your lips were curled into your mouth to immediately spew inappropriate sayings and vile remarks. 

“What do you want to talk about?” You asked, brows pinched together. 

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for quite a while now, but I just wanted to talk. I hate how we ended things…” he said remorsefully. You tried not to fall for the pouty look he was giving you as if he knew quite well you would fall for it. 

“It’s been six months, Max,” you reminded him. You and Max had an ugly breakup, and you had been picking up your own pieces yourself. You two had been together for nearly a year until he started to act differently. Noticing that he was going home late, staying at the bars until the early hours of the morning, and being quite rude and dismissive towards you, it ended in a screaming match where he ended up spitting out rude comments at you--calling you ugly, useless, and boring. It also caused him to confess that he was cheating on you for half the time you were together with him, and you thought that was a lie he made up just to make you angry, but a month after the breakup, you had found out that was true because you had accidentally bumped into the girl he was cheating on you with. At the time, you couldn’t blame him because the girl was absolutely gorgeous and seemed a lot of fun, but now, you know your worth and you absolutely didn’t deserve that whatsoever. 

For six months, you hadn’t seen him, but he had been leaving you countless calls to the gym phone. However, Max wouldn’t dare to step foot in the gym ever again because Don had clearly threatened him when he saw Max on the street, pinning him up against the brick wall by his shirt and yelling in his face that if he ever came close to you or the gym ever again, he wouldn’t see the end of the day. 

Don would’ve lost his shit if he saw Max in front of you. 

“This is pointless. I was fine living my life for the past six months without you. In fact, I haven’t even thought about you until you showed up. Couldn’t you see I was doing just fine? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Your tone was scornful, not wanting to be in front of him anymore but instead the lovely man inside. 

“I just assumed you wanted some sort of closure…” 

“If I wanted closure, then I would’ve called you. But I don’t need closure. I was doing okay-” 

“With who? That man inside the restaurant?” He interrupted, brows raised. His demeanour suddenly changed just because you had given him the slightest bit of attitude. Max went from soft, wanting forgiveness to the Max that you saw last--completely offensive, rude, and a dickhead.  

“Yeah, his name is Harry, by the way. I was doing okay until you showed up!” You rolled your eyes, making your way back inside to Harry, who was waiting for you inside. 

Of course, Max wasn’t done until he got the last word, so he yelled out, “You know, whatever you’re doing with him, he’s gonna leave you; just like how I left you.” You slowly turned around, heart aching as his words had definitely done something this time. “You think Harry cares about you Y/N? Think again, he’s gonna leave you and you’re gonna be alone. You’re nothing, Y/N--not without me, at least. You aren’t worth anything, and you had to take over your dad’s gym to feel like you are. Stop fooling yourself.” 

Your eyes watered, trying your hardest not to let them slip from your eyes. You had already felt weak tearing up in front of him, so you couldn’t imagine what he would think if you bawled your eyes out. Suddenly, you heard the bell above the restaurant door chime. You didn’t bother turning around, but you somehow knew that it was Harry who was behind you. 

“Everything alright here?” Harry asked warily, eyes pointed towards you. 

“Yeah, man. See you, Y/N.” With that, he walked away, hopefully for good. Harry knew everything wasn’t alright with how you’re ready to burst into tears. As much as he wanted to follow him, force an answer out of him as to why you were in such distress, he was more worried about you. 

Standing in front of you, Harry placed an arm on your shoulder, his other hand held the brown paper bag that had both of your leftovers as he didn’t want to eat without you. Your body was tense, not because of Harry’s touch but because of the words that had taken such an effect on you, and you were doing everything to not break down in the middle of the sidewalk. 

“Hey, you okay?” Harry asked softly, bending down slightly to look you in the eyes. Your eyes were pointed down at the ground, thinking that if you looked Harry in the eyes, you were going to break. 

“Uh, c-can you take me to the gym, please?” You asked once you fully gained the courage to speak, but your voice was shaky. 

Harry immediately nodded. “Yeah, yeah, of course. Let’s go.” He put his arm around your shoulders and you comfortably nuzzled into his side as he guided you to his car. 

The drive back was silent—the complete opposite from the drive to the restaurant. Instead of happiness radiating out of your bodies, the space felt gloomy. Harry’s mind had spiraled as he drove, thinking about what that man could have possibly said to you. He was torn between wanting to be angry, but he was more concerned for you because you had never been this silent before. 

Once Harry was in front of the gym, you immediately got out before he was able to turn off the car. Using your keys, you unlocked the front door, turning off the alarm system before throwing your purse, not caring where it landed and rushed towards the heavy bags. 

This was where you let all your anger out. The place where you screamed at the top of your lungs with no care on who might hear you. This was your safe space, and if someone was going to judge you for utilizing your safe space, then they didn’t belong there. 

You screamed, punched, and kicked the heavy bag with full force as your tears had streamed down your face. Your heart was beating painfully with every scream you forced out of your body. Your punches were solid, making the bag swing back and forth, but your knuckles were starting to redden because you didn’t wrap your hands. 

Harry quickly followed you, a frown plastered on his face as he watched you let your anger out all on the heavy bag. He let you do your thing, watching from the sidelines before he waited for the right moment to cut in. 

“You. Fucking. Stupid. Piece. Of. Shit,” you yelled out with every punch. You sniffled, continuing to punch the bag, eyes glossy from your endless amount of tears. 

The friction from the leather and your bare skin was rubbing against each other, cutting and peeling open your skin. Your hands had numbed the pain, so you carried on with your punches until Harry had wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest and away from the heavy bag once he started to see redness and blood scattered onto your knuckles. You screamed, your body protesting, wanting to continue punching, but you knew you didn’t have any more energy. 

Turning around in his arms, your face was met with his chest, sobbing into his shirt. Harry’s hands soothed your back, comforting you as his heart ached from the sadness you radiated. Your bloody hands clutched his shirt as you cried, tears staining his shirt. Your whines and whimpers filled the empty gym, echoing back at you. 

Everything hurt—your heart, eyes, body, and your hands were now starting to sting. Harry held you tighter, carefully taking a seat onto the ground and bringing you down with him. You sat in between his legs and your head rested on his shoulder. 

After a moment, he felt you calm down and your body physically relaxed. Mindlessly, his hand brushed your hair back from your forehead, pressing a kiss to your skin. Harry hadn’t realized he did that until he pulled away and he hoped he hadn’t crossed a line by doing that. But when he kissed your forehead, you pulled him closer, burying your face into his neck. 

“Talk to me—tell me what you need, angel,” he said softly, wanting to help and be there for you. The nickname had completely slipped out as he’d been calling you that in his head. He’d never seen you break down at all, so this was very new to him. 

You shook your head, nickname going over your head. “Nothing. Just you.” 

Harry nodded his head, heart fluttering at your words as he held you tighter. He continued to soothe your hair and back as he heard you sigh deeply at the comfort. Looking down at your hands, he realized they were still bloody and cut up, and he knew that your cuts needed to be treated as soon as possible. 

“Can I take care of your hands? I’m still gonna be close, just wanna bandage you up.” You sniffled, nodding your head. Harry slightly smiled, carefully getting up before helping you up. He wrapped his arm around your shoulder, first asking you where the first aid kit was, and you two walked to one of the offices to get the kit before going to the restroom. “Wanna sit?” He asked, patting the cold counter. Nodding your head, you placed your hands on the counter, but he quickly stopped you, taking off his jacket for you to sit on. 

“Thank you,” you softly said to him gratefully before jumping to sit on the counter. 

Harry opened the box that contained multiple and different types of bandages, an instant cold pack, thermometer, antiseptic wipes, and scissors. Harry washed his hands well before grabbing the antiseptic wipe and ripping it open. He situated himself between your legs, gently grabbing your hand to rest on his. He looked up at you, first asking you if it was okay to start, and when you said yes, he slowly and carefully started to wipe the area around the cut. 

You watched him as he cleaned your cuts; he was so focused on wiping the blood that stained your skin and was careful not to press too hard because you were starting to bruise already. As you watched him, you felt immensely grateful. It’d been a while since you had a true friend that would help you with anything and take care of you. Your feelings for him had skyrocketed, heart pounding so loud you could feel it in your ears. 

“The guy at the restaurant was my ex-boyfriend, Max,” you suddenly said. Harry looked up at you to let you know that he was listening as he continued to clean your hands. “It was a bit of a messy breakup; he called me names, insulted me, and confessed that he was cheating on me. When I saw him at the restaurant, that was the first time since the breakup, and it was like I relived that day again.” 

“Did he say anything to you?” Harry asked, holding back his anger because he knew the answer,  Harry watched through the window the entire time and noticed your posture and demeanor change, causing Harry to quickly pay and rush outside just in case anything happened. 

“Y-Yeah.” Your voice croaked. “Said I didn’t amount to anything—that I wasn’t anything without him-”

“That’s bullshit, Y/N-”

“I’m so mad at myself.” Tears were forming in your eyes again as you looked down at your lap. Redness brimmed your eyelids as you sniffled. 

“What? Why?” Harry asked confusingly. 

You shook your head at yourself. “For years, I’ve been training—learning how to defend myself for when I need it. I was raised to have a strong mindset, to not take shit from anyone because Don told me not to. But when he came around, I didn't say a word, let alone move a muscle. I hate how he made me weak. I hate how I didn’t stand up for myself.” Your voice was shaky and your tears streamed down your face as you paused for a moment. “He told me that you were gonna leave me just like everyone else in my life did,” you added. 

Harry was seething, breathing in through his nose as his face hardened. He masked his anger because his priority was to comfort you, so he tried to let go of his anger for a moment. 

“Listen to me.” He placed his hands on the outside of your legs, bending down to look you in the eyes. Your glossy eyes looked at him, a small pout on your face. “You’re the strongest person I know, alright, angel?” This time, you heard the pet name loud and clear, making your heart do backflips. “You didn’t let him walk all over you, no, you’re much more mature than him to ever start something. He wanted to see you angry, and frustrated. He wanted to add fuel to the fire, and you didn’t give him the satisfaction. You aren’t weak at all. You’ve got a strong heart, and I’m sure that punch of yours to his nose would damage it for good.” 

You breathed out a chuckle at his last statement, nodding, knowing he was right. Harry smiled, dimples showing proudly as he wiped the tears that were falling from your eyes. Giving him a half-smile, you leaned forward, pressing your face against his collarbones. He stood up straight to wrap his arms around your back. You daringly placed a kiss onto the exposed skin that was peeking out from his shirt. Harry’s face warmed up at the touch that was so soft and delicate, yet felt like it was burning through his skin. You pulled away, looking up at him as you thanked him. 

Your eyes darted between his eyes and his lips as your face was just inches away from him. His face was delicate and his beauty shined over the darkness of the world. It was as if he didn’t seem real like you couldn’t believe someone so beautiful and breathtaking was standing right in front of you. You studied every curve, movement, and freckle on his face as they all very well defined him, heightening your admiration with every look of his perfections and imperfections. 

Harry blushed under your stare, clearing his throat as he felt nervous. He pulled his face away a tad bit, offering you a small smile. “Of course. Always gonna be here for you. Now, let me just finish cleaning your hands before taking you home.” 

You nodded, letting him finish with his task. His hands were gentle as he wrapped the bandage around your hand. Your heart was filled with so much admiration and gratitude that you simply wouldn’t know what to do if Harry weren’t there today. The growing feelings had taken over your heart and mind that you were a bit scared, but nonetheless, you let them take over. 

Harry sat at the bar next to Benny, nursing a beer he had ordered ten minutes ago. It had been a while since they hung out together, but that was because Benny was trying to get his wife pregnant, so when Marianne calls, they spent their time baby-making. The other reason was that Harry was spending most of his time with you, which he loved every minute of. 

“So, a little bird told me that you’ve been going to the gym on Saturdays now,” Benny mentioned, a hint of tease in his tone. 

Harry chuckled. “Really? And who told you that?” He asked, taking a sip of his beer. 

“Starts with a D and ends with an N,” Benny laughed, giving you the obvious answer. 

“Well, I’ve been going in on Saturdays because Don always schedules our training sessions on Saturdays. Nothing else,” he slightly lied. After his first training day with Don, Harry told Don that he wanted to continue training with him because he gets a good workout with him rather than by himself, hitting the heavy bag or speed bag, so Don always scheduled for Saturdays since those were the easiest days. 

But other than the training sessions, he also got to see you on Saturdays, which he really enjoyed because sometimes after his workout, you two would grab a bite to eat or plan to hang out later that day. He liked it, he liked you. 

“Hmm, interesting. It doesn’t have to do with a particular trainer who also happens to own the gym?” Benny raised his brows. 

“Not really into Don, to be honest,” Harry joked, bouncing around Benny’s question. They both laughed, slamming their hand on the bar top. 

“Really, though. I’m happy for you. You’ve been in such a happier mood, and that’s all I want—is for you to be happy. She’s doing a great job,” Benny said honestly. Seeing his friend happy after everything he’s been through had lifted a certain weight off of his shoulders, and it seemed like he didn’t need to worry about Harry. 

Harry simply nodded, smiling as words weren’t necessary. He always felt like Benny was always concerned about him, and although he appreciated him being worried, he didn’t need to anymore because Harry was finally feeling much happier than he was before. 

“There you are.” A voice was suddenly heard next to Harry along with a hand on his shoulder. Harry tensed up, and he hadn’t in a while, but he knew that wasn’t your voice nor was it your touch. Harry turned his head to the side to find Lizette sitting on the stool next to him, giving him a smug smile. He didn’t say anything but look at Benny, and saw his eyes narrow, confused as to why Lizette was here. “I’ve been calling your home and paging you. Why haven’t you been answering me?” She pouted. 

Harry knew that pout all too well. She used it to trick you into saying yes to her and getting what she wanted, but Harry was stronger than that now; he knew how to hold his ground. 

He hadn’t seen Lizette ever since the week before he joined Don’s Box. With all of his time spent with you, he hadn’t really thought about Lizette, if he’s being honest. You had fully taken every inch and space of his mind that it was maximum capacity, but he still found a way to make space from the invading thoughts of you. 

“Just been…busy, Lizette, that’s all,” he said, not giving her his full attention as he looked at his bottle. 

“Too busy for me?” 

“Yeah, something like that.” He didn’t want to outright be rude to her because naturally, Harry was a kind and thoughtful man, so he kept his harsh thoughts to himself. 

She inched closer to Harry, close enough to where her mouth was against his ear as she whispered, “Well, since I so happened to run into you, how about we go back to yours?”

Harry took a deep breath. He felt like he was his old self again—making impulsive and not so thought out decisions that end up fucking him and his emotions over in the future. Being with Lizette was something, and it helped make him feel a little less lonely, even though she immediately left right after she got what she wanted. 

But Harry hadn’t felt lonely at the moment and in months. He had his best friend next to him, having a drink, and he had you. He wasn’t lonely at all. So, why was he getting off the stool and putting his coat on before closing his tab for the night? 

Benny’s eyes widened, looking at Harry as if he was asking what the actual fuck was he doing. Harry simply shrugged, patting his friend on the back before following Lizette out of the bar. The air was cold, but it wasn’t a delightful cold that he wanted to be in. It almost seemed kind of eerie as the gray clouds hovered over them. 

Lizette hugged Harry’s arm. “I’m glad you agreed.” She leaned up to kiss his cheek, but he immediately pulled away, taking his arm out of her hold. 

“You should go home,” he told her. Her mouth opened, but nothing came out as she was confused. “Get a ride home. I’m not taking you home nor am I going with you. I don’t want to do this anymore, Lizette.” 

“But you came with me-”

“That didn’t mean I was saying yes to your offer. I came out here with you to get you off of me and not embarrass me in front of my friend and the entire bar.” Harry’s voice was stern as he crossed his arms. “I know you’ve never really cared about me, so please just do me a favor and leave. I’m happier now-”

“You’re happier? With some other girl, huh?” Harry nodded and Lizette rolled her eyes, expression annoyed as she was beginning to get angry and defensive. “You think she cares? Guess what, Harry, she doesn’t. She’s gonna leave you just like your mom left you, your ex-girlfriend left you. Remember when she fucked your best friend in college? That she left you to be with him? And look at them now, they’re married! They don’t give a single fuck about you! What makes you think that this girl you’re seeing does?” 

Lizette had definitely hit a nerve. Harry had gone four years without hearing the story on how his ex left him for one of his friends from uni. The situation was quite sad, and it left Harry in pieces. Not to mention, Lizette was his ex’s best friend and she somehow seduced him into regularly having sex with her, which wasn’t entirely her fault because Harry was lonely and needed to feel something to fill the void of his loneliness. 

“Don’t think you’re so easy to love, Harry. It takes a lot of effort to do that, especially with you. You’re gonna continue being scared and closed off, and people are gonna continue to run away-”

“Harry?” Lizette was suddenly interrupted by you. You were walking to the bar because Benny had invited you, thinking that it would’ve been a nice surprise for Harry and to hang out with just the three of you. But you had seen Harry and some woman on the street and his face looked angry. “Uh, hi.” 

You turned towards the unknown woman as she looked you up and down before turning towards Harry, raising her brows as she figured out who you were and who Harry had been spending so much time with. 

Harry completely blocked you out, his attention was towards the statements Lizette had made. He had been doing so much better, and all of a sudden the relapse hit him ten times harder, like his accomplishment of being okay with himself completely disappeared. 

 Was he that hard to love? He knew that he pushed people away, that’s for sure, but he didn’t realize that it was difficult to love him. Harry then thought about the people that had left him because they didn’t love him enough to stay. His ex left him for his friend, it seemed like his mum had forgotten about him, and soon enough, Benny was gonna get tired of him and so were you. 

“And you are?” You asked, scowling at the woman in front of you. Lizette smirked, seeing as there was an opportunity right in front of her. She didn’t find you 

intimidating whatsoever. 

“Oh, guess Harry didn’t tell you, but we’ve been sleeping with each other for years. Friends with benefits, if you will,” Lizette answered with some sass and a snarl to her tone as she watched your expression turn into a hurtful one. 

Your face had softened as your eyes welled up with tears, but you didn’t dare let them fall. You looked at Harry and it seemed like he was in his head, but you had no clue he was ‘seeing someone.’ It felt like you had been cheated on, even though going out as friends didn’t mean anything to a fuck buddy. All of the moments you spent with him—the laughs, storytelling, training, and tension-filled moments had connected you both to one another. It made you feel special that you were seeing a side of Harry that no one else had, but you were wrong. 

“Guess you’re the new girl he’s seeing?” 

“What’s it to you?” Your brows knitted. 

Lizette shrugged. “Nothing. Just know that Harry’s difficult and loveless. So, just get out while you can.” She reached over to touch your shoulder, but you quickly stepped back before she could. She was talking as if Harry wasn’t right next to you two, and if this was a ‘women looking out for women’ type of situation, you weren’t going to accept it because she outright just insulted Harry. 

You were livid as your eyes turned dark, stepping closer to her. “Stay away from him, or I swear to god-”

“Or what? What are you gonna do?” Lizette challenged, stepping closer. She was slightly taller than you since she wore four-inch leather boots.

“Wanna find out? Next time I see you with him or hear you talk shit about him again, then you’ll find out because I can guarantee you’ll never see the light of day.” You held eye contact with her as she looked at you with such fierce emotion. 

“Cute. Harry’s got a little bodyguard,” she scoffed, stepping back. “I should go,” Lizette suddenly said, breaking you out of your heartbreaking thoughts. “I’ll call you,” she told Harry, despite what you had just said. It seemed like he wasn’t even listening as his blank stare was trained onto the ground. She walked away, her heels clicking against the cement. The satisfaction she felt right now felt good, knowing her words had definitely affected you both. 

When Lizette was far enough, you turned back towards Harry. This time, he was looking at you in a confused state, and it didn’t seem like him. 

“I-I didn’t know you were seeing someone-”

“You should go…” he said straightforwardly. You raised your brows as you were taken back. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“You should leave. For good. Get out of my life while you can. I promise I won’t get mad.” His voice cracked and was shaky. He couldn’t even look you in the eye while he was talking because he knew that would break his heart even more, especially if you were to actually leave for good. The negative thoughts had taken over, and this was what he did—pushing people away and giving them a way out before they realized that Harry wasn’t a lovable or worthy enough person to stay around for. 

“What makes you think I’m going anywhere?” You questioned confusingly. You wondered if he even thought about the conversation you two had a few moments ago when you had told him that you were staying for good. 

“They all do, anyway. They all leave and they never come back.” His voice was starting to raise slightly, frustration and anger pouring out of his veins as his eyes were starting to tear up. A pout remained on your face as you watched the distress never leave his angelic face. “Just please go.”

“I’m not going anywhere-”

“Why won’t you-”

“Because I care! Why don’t you get that?” You raised your voice, not too loud to startle him, but enough to convey your emotions and frustrations to him. 

“Because you’re going to eventually! You’re gonna leave and use me and never love me. I’m used to it, so you could go now!” Harry was starting to cry, light sobs were coming out of his mouth as he was trying to hold them back. You took a step forward, wanting to comfort him as your heart broke at the sight, but he stepped back, not wanting your touch. 

Your heart sank when he stepped back away from you because he had never done that before. You two were always comfortable with one another that both of your touches had felt like security. Your tears had streamed down your face, quickly wiping them. 

“Harry, I’m not gonna leave…” 

“It’s fine. You don’t know what it’s like for someone to leave and never come back. You don’t know what it’s like to feel completely loveless that someone physically had to get out of your life and not want to be in it anymore. You don’t know what it’s like!” He spoke firmly as he cried, tugging his curly locks in frustration. 

“I don’t know what it’s like?” You spoke loudly, and Harry looked up at you. “I know exactly what it’s like because my own mother left me when I was eleven-years-old, and I have no idea why!” You vented, sniffling. “You don’t think I know what it’s like to constantly wonder what you’re doing wrong because the people that were supposed to be there for you completely vanished? Because I do! I know that feeling quite well. So, don’t tell me I don’t know shit because it seems like we’re in the same boat.” 

Harry was speechless. Sure, you two had been close and had talked about your lives and childhood, but this was something that you two had to dig deep for because it wasn’t something you regularly spoke about nor did you tell new people that you’d just met. 

“I-I’m sorry I had no idea…” 

“You couldn’t have had any idea, Harry. But just know that that day my mom left me still confuses me. The look on my dad’s face when he told me that mom left still haunts me. The crying I did since I was eleven hurts me because she didn’t love me enough to stay.” 

“Y/N…” 

“It’s fine, I get it. I know we’ve known each other for only a few months, but I did not expect this from you, especially because of all that we’d talked about. I’d say I’m the newest person in your life but I’m also the closest, besides Benny. So, don’t shut me out.” Your heart was beating through your chest and all of your emotions began to pile up like they were leaves, falling from the branches of the trees. 

Harry looked defeated, knowing that you were right. He sniffled, not knowing what else to say because all he felt was a painful feeling in his chest since Lizette had gone up to him at the bar. 

When he didn’t say anything, you just nodded, knowing that it was best to give him some space so he could realize that you were here for him and that you weren’t going anywhere. 

“Call me when you wanna talk…” you told him before turning around. Harry watched you—he knew that he should go after you, not be scared and let you in, perhaps tell you that he’s practically in love with you, but he doesn’t move, feet glued to the ground. 

When you were only a few feet away, you turned back around, knowing that you hadn’t gotten your final words out yet. Harry looked up when he heard footsteps approaching him. 

“Fuck whatever people say to you; trying to degrade and bring you down because whatever they say, it’s not true. I will always be there to defend you, Harry. Don’t think I won’t be because I will always be on your side.” You paused for a moment. Your heart was fully opening and was beginning to be vulnerable. Trying not to let it overwhelm you, you continued. “Don’t think you’re not easy to love because you are. You’re extremely easy to love, y’know that? I would know because…I love you. And that’s crazy to say because we’ve only known each other for a short period of time, but I can’t help what I feel. So, there you go.” 

Before Harry was able to say anything, you walked away, and he could hear you sniffling and crying. Harry’s mouth was ajar, completely speechless and shocked, but his heart fluttered as he took in your words. You really loved him, he thought. No one had said those words and really meant them or they hadn’t felt real to him when he heard them, so the shock that he felt was new. 

You were far enough where Harry couldn’t see you. He hadn’t even moved an inch, and he knew that later on, he was going to be very disappointed in himself for not chasing you down and telling you that he loved you too. But for now, he needed to take it all in and hope that when he did tell you, it wouldn’t be too late. 

Taking a deep breath, you walked inside to your apartment, sniffling as you went straight to the bathroom to take a long and hot shower. Before you left your place to go to the bar, you had been contemplating your appearance because you wanted to look good. Nerves were all over your body as you were getting ready, and you sulked at how the events had completely turned tonight around. 

When you were out of the shower and changed, ready to get into bed despite the night only being nine in the evening, your pager beeped. Picking it up off the bedside table, the message was sent from Harry, reading ‘143.’ You raised your brows, reading it again and reading it once more. Your heart was pounding, studying the numbers to make sure you read them right. The simple code for ‘I love you’ was printed on your pager and you wanted to scream. 

Before you could actually scream, there was a knock on your door. You walked quickly, opening it as Harry was standing behind it, holding his pager out as he smiled softly at you. You had just finished crying in the shower, so your eyes were red and a tad bit swollen, but you were close to crying again because of how overwhelmed you felt. 

“Did you mean it?” You asked hesitantly, holding your pager up. 

“Of course I do. Did you mean it?” He retaliated back, wondering if you meant your three words as well. 

“Of course I mean it, Harry. Why wouldn’t I?” You asked, wiping the tear that had slipped down your face. 

“Because I love you. I love you so fuckin’ much that it hurts,” he claimed in one breath, feeling the tension and weight that he held in his shoulders release. “You’re everything to me, and you make my world less frightening. I just see your pretty smile and my day completely turns into a great one. I don’t wanna waste a day not telling you that now, and it feels pretty damn good to say it.”

You slightly nodded until you remembered one of your concerns earlier. “What about Lizette?” 

“Lizette was someone I used to sleep with. I haven’t seen her nor slept with her in months—before I even met you, I promise. And I’m sorry for assuming that you didn’t know what it felt like for someone to leave and that you had to tell me under those circumstances. But just know, that I’m not gonna leave, unless you tell me to, that is.” Every bit of him was opening up and he wasn’t hiding away. He was being completely vulnerable and it had scared him a bit, but when his words came out, he felt himself get better. 

You looked at him through your glassy eyes, vision blurred for a moment until you adjusted them and clearly saw the gorgeous man in front of you. His eyes were filled with tears as well, and you thought, how could someone still look so pretty while they cried? But that was Harry for you; someone who was genuinely beautiful no matter what. Someone who had a heart of gold and a flashing smile that made your heart swoon and knees weak. 

You simply reached your hand out and Harry walked towards you, into your apartment as he came close to your face as your bodies were pressed up against one another. The back of his fingertips gently brushed the side of your face, admiring the beauty that stood before him as he opened his heart up completely, not wanting to go another day without saying those three words back to you. 

The corners of your lips turned up and your tears were replaced by happy ones. You had walked away from Harry after you said I love you because he was looking at you like he had seen a ghost, not a friendly one, but more of a scary one. So, hearing those words were just music to your ears. 

“You mean that? That you love me?” You wanted to hear it again and again and again. 

“Ever word. I love you, angel,” he repeated, adding your nickname. He pressed his forehead against yours, inches away from your lips. 

“Never stop calling me that,” you instructed him, smiling. The first time he had said it, you came to the conclusion that you absolutely loved hearing that name come out of his mouth, especially if it was specifically for you. 

“Only if you never stop telling me that you love me,” he slightly smirked, dimples poking out. He was so immensely happy that his heart could burst just because of the love that he felt for you. 

You giggled. “I love you, baby-” 

“I, uh, wait. Do you mind…not calling me that?” He hesitated, and you raised your brows confused. “Someone else called me that, and I just don’t like hearing it. Never have since it came out of her mouth,” he explained shyly. 

A sudden realization came to your face as you realized that Lizette probably called him that. “Okay. I won’t call you that, ever…darling.” Harry’s lips began to slowly turn up, already liking that name so much better than the other one. He hugged you; and you smiled, closing and opening your eyes to make sure you weren’t dreaming. Your arms snaked around Harry’s waist as he cradled your delicate face in his hands. 

“Never stop calling me that,” he repeated your words as you two smiled and laughed until your jaws started hurting. 

His eyes flickered down to your lips and back up to your eyes. You pursed your lips, blushing as you watched his eyes glance back up and down. You rubbed the tip of your nose against his, pulling him closer; hearts beating in sync as butterflies filled your stomach. 

He brushed his lips against yours before fully connecting them, feeling every spark and shiver that traveled down his spine. You smiled into the kiss as the softness of his lips moved and molded against yours, feeling completely in bliss. The way his lips slotted perfectly with yours made you saturated and dizzy off of his love and touch. Butterflies were still in your stomach, but they were calm like they had been fluttering around for this moment, his touch, in order to relax. 

Pulling back, he smiled down at you, eyes love-struck, before giving you another kiss, and pulling away and kissing you again once more. 

“Kissing you is my new favorite thing,” he stated, drunk off kisses. You breathed out a giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck as you breathed in his scent. You felt his breath against your neck, feeling completely happy and content in each other’s arms. 

There was no fear in the air; just the two of you with open hearts and arms, welcoming in the new and profound feeling that you both took in, knowing that it’s going to change everything for the better. 

You pulled him inside and Harry kicked the door closed with his foot. His arms were holding you tight as you walked back to your bedroom. Opening your mouth slightly, Harry took the chance to meet your tongue with his, swiveling and tasting each other causing a shiver to run down your spine. 

You pulled back when Harry laid down on the bed, taking in the gushy feeling you had as you smiled. 

“Want you,” you simply stated. 

“You have me, angel.” 

“I know, but I want you. Need you,” your eyes pleaded for his touch, to feel him inside of you, for him to make you feel good. You desperately craved for his hands on all of you, his mouth kissing every inch of your skin, and his love passionately pouring out of his veins. 

Harry nodded, smiling. “Need you too. Need you forever,” he said, connecting your lips again as he hovered over you. 

You two kissed for a while, giggling against each other’s lips and having his weight on top of you as your hands roamed his back. You bucked your hips into his, feeling the hard-on that was growing in his pants, which made Harry grind into your center, moaning softly into your mouth. 

“Please do something,” you said, and he nodded, getting off of you before taking his jacket and shirt off swiftly. His tattoos were showcased in front of you and all you wanted to do was kiss every single one of them. “You’re beautiful, Harry,” you complimented, and he blushed, a soft ‘thank you’ came out of his mouth. Next was his pants, and before he was able to take his briefs off, you stopped him, telling him that you wanted to do it. 

You got off the bed, switching positions with him as you were now standing up as Harry laid down on the bed. You smiled, eyes glancing all around his body. He suddenly felt shy and intimidated under your stare, but he knew he had no reason to be because you were simply admiring him. This time around when it came to physically be vulnerable with someone, he knew he didn’t have to worry anymore when it came to you. 

You took off your lilac nightgown, exposing your body to Harry’s eyes. Your nipples had hardened due to the exposure to the cold. His eyes glimmered as he gazed at your stunning and beautiful body. Every curve and inch was something he tried to remember, and he was quite speechless at the sight. He reached out, gently grabbing your hips as he roamed his hands up your body and to your breasts, grabbing both in each of his hands. 

He looked up at you and you smiled down at him as he placed his mouth on your left pebbled nipple, sucking and licking it as his hand fondled with the other. You laced your fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp as he did so, switching over to your right nipple. 

Harry pulled away, looking at you. “You’re an actual angel. You’re so beautiful.” 

“Harry…” you blushed. 

“You are, angel. So beautiful. Can’t believe I get to see you like this.” He kissed the valley of your breasts and down your stomach before getting up and pushing you down onto the bed with ease. He settled in between your legs, arms hooked under your thighs. 

Continuing kissing down your stomach, he reached the hem of your underwear, looking up at you before asking, “Can I take these off? Wanna make you feel good—the same way you always make me feel good.” 

“Please. Take them off. Wanna feel your mouth on me,” you pleaded as your arousal heightened. You wrapped your legs around his back, eagerly pulling his head towards your center, making Harry let out a chuckle. 

“Easy, angel. Not going anywhere.” Harry kissed your stomach once more before pulling off your beige underwear. You were glistening below him; you made a complete mess in your panties. “Fuck, you’re so wet. This all for me?” 

“Mhm. All for you, Harry, please,” you whispered impatiently. Harry’s dirty talk had only increased your need for him as it was quite surprising to see this side of him since he was more on the shy and reserved side outside, but nonetheless, you loved both sides—you loved him. 

Harry leaned down, pressing multiple kisses to your inner thighs, nibbling on the skin gently. You bucked your hips as he trailed his kisses towards your pussy that was eagerly waiting to be touched and licked. When he got there, he pressed a kiss to your clit before kitten-licking your sensitive button, making you softly moan. 

His tongue licked into the entrance of your pussy, gathering your arousal on the tip of his tongue to lubricate your clit even more. 

“Fuck,” you groaned as your hands found his curly locks, tugging at them gently. 

“You could do that harder, I don’t mind it,” Harry told you before going back to eating you out. You pulled harder and Harry deeply groaned against you, sending vibrations up your body. 

His hands wandered around your body, feeling the softness of your skin against his hands. Your skin had formed goosebumps due to his touch, and Harry smoothed out your skin so you were warm. He sucked on your clit quite harshly, earning a moan of his name from your lips as he grabbed both of your tits in his hands, squeezing them. 

You placed your hands on top of his, squeezing them with him, and Harry almost came at the sight of that. There you were, moaning his name out, getting your pussy eaten, and squeezing your tits on top of his hands. A sight he truly was lucky enough to see. 

Harry pulled one hand away to rub your clit as he tongued around your wet hole before tongue fucking you. He rubbed your clit at a moderate speed, enough for you to thrust your hips off the bed. Harry pulled his other hand that was still on one of your breasts away to pin your hips down onto the bed. 

“Stay still for me, angel,” he instructed, voice deep that made you even wetter. “You taste so good. Could eat you out all day.” 

“Harry…” you trailed, whining desperately for your release. “W-Wanna…cum…need to.” Your sentences were broken and Harry thought that was a good sign, knowing that he was doing so well you couldn’t form a proper sentence. 

“Tell me what you need. Let me know, so I can get you there.” 

“F-Fingers,” you told him, and he immediately brought his fingers to your clit, rubbing it before inserting two fingers inside your pussy. He thrust slowly, curling his fingers up to feel your walls.

He felt you pulsing around him as your legs were wrapped tightly around his back as you screamed his name over and over again. 

“C’mon, love. Give me one,” he encouraged, thrusting his fingers a bit faster. 

Once he hit the spot over and over again, you saw stars. Your vision had gone white for a few seconds, and you felt dizzy. The pleasure that ran through your body was overwhelming in the best way possible and you choked out a few sobs. It had hit you like a brick that you saw coming, but you were still surprised and shocked by the impact. 

Your hands held Harry’s hair tight that he thought for a moment that you might actually rip it off. Harry rubbed your pussy as you came down from your high, licking your orgasm that was seeping through your cunt, taking every drop of it. He looked up to see your head thrown back, chest heaving, and a vein that was bulging against your skin. He kissed your thighs while his other hand trailed across your body. 

When you finally were able to catch your breath, Harry kissed up your body, leaving the softest and loving kisses to your skin as you were quite sensitive. You grabbed his face, bringing his lips to yours as you immediately stuck your tongue in his mouth, swirling it with his to taste yourself on him—a mixture of his taste and your orgasm all on his tongue had made you wetter. 

Harry was grinding himself against your leg, trying to relieve some pressure. 

“Want you,” you told him once he pulled away, looking at him intently. 

“You sure?” 

“Absolutely. Please? Only if you want to-”

“I definitely want to. Just wanna make sure you were sure,” he breathed out a chuckle. 

“Course I want to.” There was a bit of silence between you two as you were simply just admiring him as he hovered over you. “Are you gonna fuck me, Harry?” You broke the silence, and Harry broke out of his trance, shyly giggling before getting off the bed. 

He peeled away his briefs, cock standing straight up from the slight painful restraint. He was big—girth and length wise, and you felt your mouth salivating from just looking at him. He got back on the bed, in between your legs as he sat on his knees. Spitting on his hand, he grabbed a hold of his dick, stroking it to relieve the pressure. The view was beautiful in every single way possible, and you didn’t dare to bat an eye because you didn’t want to miss one second of it. 

Wanting to take over for him, you reached forward, replacing his hand with yours as you slowly stroked his cock for him. Harry had a smug smile on his face but soon changed into a face of pure pleasure as your hand worked against him. His mouth was open as he let out a soft moan, looking down at your eyes as you were looking up, completely loving his reaction to your touch. 

“You’re so pretty, Harry,” you complimented as you continued to touch him. Your other hand reached forward to fondle with his balls, rolling them into your hand as Harry whimpered. “Love seeing you like this. Most gorgeous man I’ve seen in my life.” 

“Please, angel, you’re being too nice…” he managed to groan out, hands gripping your thighs. 

“But it’s true. Look so pretty when you’re like this, but also when you’re hitting the heavy bags. When we go out to eat and you mindlessly drink your entire drink while waiting for the food. But I think you’ll look extra pretty than you already are if you cum.” Your words of declaration were getting him on the edge as you stroke him. The way your voice slightly changed as you looked up at him with the most innocent eyes made him thrust into your hand, gripping the flesh of your skin as he threw his head back. 

“You think so?” 

“Mhm. Gonna be so pretty when you cum all over my body, my tits. Can you do that? For me, can you do that? Please?” You were completely begging for it, but even with all the begging, he knew that you had all the control right now. 

Your feet rubbed his calves up and down, and it was the simplest touch, but it heightened Harry’s need to let go. 

“Wanna cum for you, yeah.” His breaths were heavy and harsh as your touch was focused on his tip, wrapping your delicate hands around the head where he was most sensitive. 

Harry’s moans stuttered as a series of profanities slipped from his lips, spilling onto your stomach and breasts. You smiled to yourself as you studied his face when he came undone; his mouth was open, occasionally biting his lip, and eyes shut closed as his head was thrown back—he was the most beautiful person you’d ever seen, and the fact that you got to see him like this was an honor. 

When he came down from his high, he slowly opened his eyes, meeting yours, staring right at him. You smirked, body covered in his orgasm, and he thought that was a picture worth taking. You were gorgeous covered in his pleasure that you caused, and you seemed to love it too since you made no effort to wipe it off. 

Boldly, he leaned down, dragging his tongue from your stomach to your tit, spending the most time on your breasts as he nibbled and licked your nipples, collecting his orgasm from your skin and held it on the tip of his tongue until he reached your mouth. You willingly opened your mouth as his tongue delved right in, feeding you his cum. 

You two passionately kissed, tasting him ever so sensually. You moaned into his mouth, thinking about how the sight of Harry licking his orgasm off of your body was the sexiest thing you’d ever seen. With your hips jerking up, you felt yourself getting wet again and in need to release once more. 

You whimpered, pulling away. “Please. Need you so bad.” Harry nodded, agreeing. 

“Condom?” He asked, and you immediately reached over to your bedside table, ripping open the condom before rolling it onto his dick that was still hard. 

Harry curled in his lips, watching you. You gave him a few extra strokes for good measure, earning a soft moan from his mouth. He took his length in his hand, running the tip up and down your slit, collecting your arousal and lubricating his cock. He gave you one last look and you nodded before he slowly pushed in, indulging in your wetness and softness. 

A moan came out of both of your mouths, feeling completely full and warm for one another with the stretch Harry had on you. He planted his elbows on both sides of you, holding himself up over you as he slowly began to thrust. 

“Fuck,” he groaned. “Feel so good for me.” He placed a kiss on your lips as he whispered. He found a rhythm as he started to move faster, rocking his hips against yours, making you moan. 

It was a feeling like no other, and it was the amount of love you two had for one another that made this experience much more special. Love was practically oozing out of both of your veins, filling the room to its maximum capacity as the both of you moaned out in pleasure. 

You wrapped your legs around his waist and your arms looped around his back, hugging him closer to you as if he couldn’t get closer. You whined into his ear, the sounds of your pleasure were music to his eyes, sending a shiver down his body, making him jerk. But that jolt had hit your g-spot, and you screamed out in ecstasy. 

“Right there. Keep doing that. Keep fucking me,” you managed to say. Harry maintained his pace, going deeper, and fucking you into oblivion as you kept crying and screaming his name out. 

Harry’s lips attached to your neck, nibbling and licking your skin, leaving a few decent size love bites that he was sure to admire when they’d fully formed. Your nails had raked down his back, leaving a burning but pleasurable sting down his skin, letting him know that he was doing an amazing job. 

“You like that?” He groaned into your ear, leaving chills rising onto your skin. 

“Mhm. Just like that. Don’t stop. I-I’m so close.” You threw your head back into the pillows, and Harry took the opportunity to attack your exposed neck with kisses again. Your hands found Harry’s hair, tugging at his curls as he kissed you. That encouraged him to fuck you harder and faster, repeatedly hitting your special spot. “O-Oh…” 

“Come on, angel love. Cum for me, please. Wanna see you make a mess around me,” he encouraged you. 

With a few more thrusts, you were done. You had fully and completely released around him as your orgasm hit you like a ton of bricks. Your vision had gone white for a few seconds, head dizzy, and your breaths were caught in your throat as your hips involuntarily jolted, meeting his thrusts that were fucking you through your high. 

Harry started to thrust sloppily, burying his face in your neck as he spilled into the condom. His hot breath was against your skin as he started to slow down, coming down from his orgasm. 

The room was silent as the only sounds present were the heavy breaths and the post-orgasmic whimpers coming from your mouth as you two held one another. Your nails gently scratched down his back, contrasting to the desperate and needy scratches that you had given him just a few minutes ago. 

Harry lifted his head up, meeting your eyes before connecting his lips against yours, tongue meeting first before your lips moved in sync so passionately and lovingly that you both unspokenly agreed to never taste another pair of lips again. 

“I love you so much,” Harry said, resting his chin on your chest. 

You smiled down at him, eyes gleaming as you looked at your love, your entire heart, the man that had stolen your breath and heart just by one look. 

“And I love you too.” 

Waking up to the warmth of the body next to you was your favorite thing in the morning—had been for six months now. The sight next to you was something you wouldn’t get used to as you always found yourself feeling so lucky every single time you woke up next to him. 

But a pout formed onto your face when you saw that the space next to you was empty. The crinkled yellow sheets were left, missing a certain person that you had been excited to see this morning since you closed your eyes the night prior. 

Turning over to your bedside table, you grabbed your pager, seeing if you had any messages, and one specifically stood out to you, making you sleepily smile at your pager. 

“Goodmorning, angel,” Harry greeted as he stood in the doorway of your bedroom. He was wearing a gray sweatsuit, holding a white paper bag in one hand and a smoothie tray, that held two smoothies, in the other hand with a loving smile plastered on his face, making his dimples poke out. 

“Mm. Hi, darling.” Your arms reached forward, gesturing him to come to you, and he gladly did, situating himself on your body as you wrapped your arms around him. 

You two stayed like that for a moment, basking in the presence and gratitude of one another. It was nice until your stomach started growling, making Harry chuckle. 

“C’mon, gotta feed my girl before we head to the gym.” He got off of you, helping you up and out of the bed before helping you make the bed. He walked over to the kitchen before you went to the restroom, and when you walked out, Harry had your breakfast set on a plate. 

You two made light conversation, mostly enjoying the silence and tastiness of the food before you got ready to go to the gym. 

When you walked into Don’s Box, you were immediately greeted by a few of the members, giving you high fives, as well as saying hi to Harry. The entire gym had found out you two were together when they started to notice Harry coming into the gym almost every day and staying until the gym closed, so a few people had their speculations. Don was certain you two would get together from the very beginning, and he had told you that the only reason he was trying to act intimidating when Harry first walked in was that he sensed that something would happen, and he was right, something did happen. 

Benny was ecstatic; jokingly telling Harry that he could now spend time with his wife since you had taken all of Harry’s time now, which Benny earned a push from Harry towards the ropes of the ring. Benny’s wife was also pregnant and wanted Harry to be the godfather, which Harry immediately took on that responsibility and role. But that also meant since you and Harry were planning on staying together for the long run, you were becoming a godmother as well, which you were very excited about. 

You climbed up into the ring as Harry followed. You had a day off, and no one needed your attention other than Harry, so you helped him put on his gloves after you wrapped his hands in tape, and you put on your mitts, making sure they were tight before clapping the mitts together—Harry punched his gloves together, making sure they were comfortable. 

You raised your brows at him teasingly. “Ready, darling?” 

“Ready as always, my angel,” he responded, and you smirked. 

“Give me a good one. Give me 1.” 

talk to me about your favorite moments, your thoughts and feelings about this pls! thank you for reading <3

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[misselko]

LIONESS

Warnings: Angst, fluff, small violence

Words: 20.130

 

“Begin.”

Loud clashing of lances can be heard through Garreg Mach hallway.

The red-haired skirt chaser barely able to hear you said it when you rushed him. Sylvain knew that he should focus on his strikes.  He didn’t have time to be impressed at this small, petite girl that is jabbing her lance so fast against him. Devastatingly fast. And strikingly strong. ‘It is such a wonder how a small, petite body like hers held so much power’. That’s the last thing that passed his mind before (Y/N)’s lance has cracked so loudly against his that he thought it might snap. Beautiful, fierce, deadly (E/C) orbs that staring into his soul has captivated the Gautier heir and got him hard knock on his shin, felling him over.

“Whoa there! I yield. You do like it rough, don’t you, (Y/N)?” Sylvain raise his hands on the air with and winks seductively. Rolling your eyes, you put a light tap on his neck at his remarks.

“Though she be but little, she is fierce. (Y/N) is the youngest among us, but she is indeed a Lioness!” Dimitri claps over your third in a row winning for today. You beat Felix in sword and Dimitri in the lance spar.

“That’s what you get for skipping classes, Sylvain. And.. keep up with your solid techniques, excellent moves, and rapid quick footwork, (Y/N). That’s all for our combat class today,” said Professor.

“She’s a few inch shorter than me but she had effortlessly defeated Blue Lions’ strongest lancer and swordsman! That’s my favourite lil sis (Y/N) for you!! ” said Annette giddily. She hugs you in a death grip embrace and sings her silly song.

Everyone are so nice to you, to the point of spoiled rotten! Especially Ingrid and Mercie! They are like your big sisters, always offering their help to ride pegasi and give endless supplies of baked sweets that you love very much. Felix is kinda harsh and always eager to spar with you, but he’s the first person to get angry when someone bullies you because you are so small. So kind, almost feel like a big brother! Dimitri helps you with your late night studies and picking books in the higher shelves on the library a lot. Dedue and Ashe cook dinner together with you on your duty day.

They see (Y/N) as the sweet smol bean that has to be protected at all cost!

“Are you free tonight, Munchkin?” Care to join me to visit the town and get something to eat? I know this little restaurant that has nice dessert! My treat, of course! Think of it as a token of congratulations from me on your brilliance today!” Sylvain put his hand on your shoulder in a friendly gesture and wink seductively.

“Seteth will scold us for sure, Syl! This is the fourth or fifth time we went for a late dinner this week,” you pout at his invitation. “He won’t. I’ll walk you back before curfew as usual. Don’t want my Kitten to get  hurt on her way back. Night walk can be dangerous, you know.”

“Why you are being so nice to me, Syl... Your girls will be upset and kill me for sure.”

“Nah.. I don’t have any! It would be a shame to waste such a beautiful evening alone. Besides, I don’t want to let my Munchkin starved in her sleep! Not to mention that you just looked awfully cute with your cheeks stuffed.” You smacked his shin and rewarded with a loud yelp from him.  “Lead the way. And.. it’s not like I like it or something like that, you know! Don’t get any wrong ideas,” you hide your blush and took his huge hand in your tiny ones.

The food was delightful as usual and Sylvain stay true to his words about going back before the curfew.

As you both closed the large door’s that marked the dormitory, you were greeted by the crisp spring night. Warm wind passed over your forms, and crickets chirped in the night.

“While we’re at it, how about a little board games rematch at my quarters? I got a new strategy to show you, Syl!”

“Bring it on then, (Y/N)! Let’s bring some sweet buns as usual to snack on later as well, then.”

“It’s a deal!”

“I’d think playing it on the bed would be more comfortable than doing it on the floor. You might catch another cold and passed out like last month in my room. It scared the living daylights out of me! Nope, never trying that again.”

“It’s not fun being frail and get sick easily.” You sigh.

“No problem. Think of it as a good chance for me to get to carry you around in my arms. For our weddi-- Ouch!!” he faux a sad face melodramatically when you punch his hand away playfully. “You might be small and petite but these hands are a force to be reckoned with. You’re as strong as a lioness,” said the philanderer as he ruffled your hair affectionately.

 

It was such a beautiful night.

---

“Do you have a moment, Miss (Y/N)? I have something important to tell you regarding my research and your Crest. We can discuss it in more detailed manner in my research room,” Professor Hanneman ask you out of the blue after the afternoon battle strategy class.

 

“Crest? But I’m sure I don’t have any, Professor! It’s stated as clear as a day in my enrollment documents, isn’t it?”

 

“There’s a mistake, Miss (Y/N). And I sworn it on my name as the Father of Crestology, you do HAVE a Crest. A Major one at that! Congratulations! I have sent a letter to your family and inform other Professors and your House Leader regarding this matter. I have my suspicion about your Crests since I watch your  prowess at combat and when it activates, the timing, and the flash of....”

 

You are a bit shocked about this and decided to ignore this fact, having a hard time to process this shocking information. Your family and other members of Blue Lions will be very surprised of this information. Is it going to be a good thing or not? Professor Hanneman’s murmurs fell on your deaf ears as you politely excuse yourself out of his room. ‘It’ll be better to keep this as a secret to avoid unwanted attention nor unnecessary commotion’ you think to yourself.

---

Moons have passed. Then the night of the ball came. Urged by your curiosity, you are eager to wait for your true love at the Goddess Tower. You were hardly expecting to see Sylvain, of all people. The surprise at seeing each other was mutual. The both of you stood there for a moment, simply enjoying the scene before you. You wrapped your arms around yourself to stave off the chill that went down your spine, shuffling closer to the older man.

 

“Do you even believe the rumors about this place?” he asked as he lay his uniform coat over your shivering form. “My curiosity gets the best of me. But am glad to find you here, Syl.”

 

“Huh.” Sylvain went quiet, his face etched with contemplation. After he thought about it a little, he let out a huff of breath and frowned.

 

“Well, the person I’m interested in... is already here. You’re here alone. I’m here alone. I was thinking maybe....”

“Wait. Me?”

“Well, of course! We’re the only two people here, aren’t we? I keep thinking about it, and it just makes sense. My Crest and yours...”

“How did you...?”

“Dimitri told me. I have confirmed it with Professor Hanneman as well. A Major one, he said. So lucky.”

He looked down at you menacingly. Your eyes were averted away from his, looking away into the distance. “What do you mean? I’m still me, Syl.  Crest or no Crest.”

Despite your dismissive answer, something changed in his expression. He took his hands from behind his neck and stalked towards you. This wasn’t at all like the kind and flirty Sylvain you loved. He’s... different.

“You know what? I’m a bit jealous. The whole time you were growing up, you never knew you had a Crest. You were free. Nobody pretended to like you. I kind of hate you for that...” he slammed you hard against the wall behind you. Strangled pained noise came from you.

His knees rest on either side of your petite body and his arms cage your head, his much bigger hand grasp yours roughly. “All you’re worth to me is a little bit of fun. We’ve been having fun, haven’t we? I thought that you understood,” Sylvain’s face a mere inch from yours, glaring daggers at you. You can feel your tears begin welling, threatening to spill at his words.

 

“Is that really what you think of me? I thought... I was different. So… our friendship has just been for nothing?” you muttered quietly, holding back your sobs.

 

He scoffed. “Of course you are. You’re just some dumb noble looking for crest babies. You never meant anything to me.” His rejection was validation of your worst fear, that you were just like every other girl. Your friendship had all fallen apart and meant nothing for him.

 

“Playing around with girls is the most fun a guy can have. Besides, I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t intend to change how I live my life. I’m a good-for-nothing, if you haven’t noticed, but I’m still a noble with a Crest. That’s all anyone cares about. It’s best to avoid getting too serious with fools like me.” His expression darkens and unreadable. The carefree mask was long gone.

 

“My Crest bring me nothing but pain. I thought maybe...if I made someone else suffer, it might help me feel better.” His hand shot up and grabbed you by your throat. Sylvain held you in front of him, tightened his grip, choking you hard. His caramel eyes glowed dark with excitement.

 

“Unnnghhh......Syl....”

You tried to squirm away but he clamped his hand tighter, making it harder for you to breathe. Your legs felt weak and limp. The pain was too intense.

 

“You were a spoiled brat who should pay for that Crest. Maybe I’ll collect the debt.” His expression dark as he looked up at you.

 

Focusing yourself, you punch his jaw as hard as you can. To your surprise, a blinding flash of your Crest shows up when you smack him as hard as you can, making Sylvain flinch in pain, dropping you with a loud thud on the cold floor. You stumbled back and dropped to your knees. Gasping for air, you tried to rub the pain from your throat, doing your best to pick yourself up.

 

“Sylvain Jose Gautier!  I care not for your Crest nor title! It means nothing to me. I like.. no, love you because you are the strongest, kindest, funniest, and the most caring person that I know. Even you are such a skirt chaser, but you always very considerate and protective of me. I never felt this way before about someone. This is my first time but... This… This was a mistake. Sorry. I hope.. you find your own happiness someday,” you said, your voice is raspy from his deadly grip and your sadness. Tears were finally flowing freely from you.

 

Sylvain’s posture becoming rigid despite his feigned relaxed position. “H-hey,” Sylvain said, his voice softened somewhat. “Please, don’t cry. I’m sorry...”, he tried to pat your head, but you step back instinctively. The red head flinch and turned away when he saw angry purplish hue on your neck. Guilt began creeping on his conscience.

 

“I believe you. You’re not a bad person, Sylvain, no matter what anyone says. I care about you. Our friendship, dinners, late nights walk and banters... I cherished them a lot. Really, I do. I love you, Sylvain.” You couldn’t meet his eyes, couldn’t look at anything besides the floor. “That’s what I came to tell you, but... nevermind. Good night, Syl. I’ll see you tomorrow in class.”

 

“Did you mean that? (Y/N), wait!” He spoke with disbelief.

“Why would I lie?” you asked, hardly audible. “Goodbye, Syl.”

 

His pleas fell on deaf ears as you dash yourself as fast as possible from Goddess Tower, locking yourself inside your quarters, clutching to Sylvain’s uniform coat, while crying yourself to sleep.

---

That’s the last thing that you can remember from your Academy Days. Things were never the same since that night. You never talk to the playboy ever again since that incident. No more night walks or late board games. When you have to work together in weekly duty, there’s an unseen awkward distance and heavy tension between you two.

 

The notorious philanderer went back into his old ways, going around with a different girl each day. You often catch him glimpse at you with eyes full of remorse and sadness (mostly when he thinks you aren’t looking or noticing). Everyone in the Blue Lions noticed the changes between your relationship but being very considerate of your feelings and trying to not mention anything about it.

 

Your Father called you back home because of his grave illness in Pegasus Moon, insisting you to leave the Officers Academy behind. Blue Lions was taken aback and sad with your abrupt leave. Going back to your home in Fhirdiad, days flies in a blur motion into moons and years.

---

It’s been 5 years since you left your Academy days in Garreg Mach.

A bloody coup led by Cornelia causes Duke Rufus and Dimitri both to be apparently killed. Her  tyranny left Fhirdiad in poor state with poverty and famine. Holy Kingdom of Faerghus thrown into disarray condition with their Prince’s disappearance. The nation is plagued by civil strife and hardship.

 

With the vast majority of the former Kingdom lords having bent the knee to the overwhelming power of the Empire, all Blaiddyd territory, including the Kingdom capital, is ruled by those who are cooperating with the Empire, and is thus renamed the Faerghus Dukedom. Houses Fraldarius and Gautier were left to spearhead the resistance as the primary opponents of the Dukedom.

 

As the legitimate Marchioness of your major noble house in Blaiddyd territory after her Father’s passing, (Y/N) decided to keep on fighting against Empire until the bitter end, along with Houses of Fraldarius, Gautier, and Galatea. You keep maintain close relationships them, mostly with the neighbouring Houses, Fraldarius and Galatea. Whether it may be reinforcements soldiers to House Fraldarius or stock supplies to House Galatea, you are so much eager to give it all (sometimes by going there personally—much to your advisors’ dismay) to aid them.  Being always giving or adding the most relevant information about current war state developments made you overjoyed when you heard about the news of Dimitri’s plan to recapture Fhirdiad.

---

It’s been forever since your last time fighting on the battlefield. Reclaiming the capital is a daunting task with shortage of soldiers and resources. Rodrigue’s death is a devastating blow to Faerghus’ military strength and resources. Not to mention that House Gautier and Galatea has any resources to spare. With limited resource of your own House, you decided to prioritize evacuation of Faerghus’ citizens and helping Blue Lions to the utmost.

 

Dimitri marches for Fhirdiad, causing the oppressed citizens to revolt against Cornelia’s tyranny People are rebelling against Cornelia and Fhirdiad has turned into a gruesome battlefield. Fire was everywhere The sound of metals echoed loudly in your ears. Large Titanus crowded the streets and wreaking havoc upon buildings and citizens. With your sword in your hands, you leap and cut through Kingdom Soldiers that is preparing to activate Viskam turrets against Felix.

 

You pushed forward with great caution. When you are done helping a pair of elders and children under the rubbles to evacuate, you saw him. Sylvain. Fighting over a mage and a large Titanus all by himself. Did he get separated? He barely dodged a fireball when you strike down that mage.

 

“Munchki--!” He gasped, surprised to see you back.

“Watch out, Syl!”

You leap in front of him, parrying and slash back at the Titanus’ large appendages that is going to smash him. Sylvain cast a Ragnarok and taking down the golem-like creature with a loud explosion, sending flying debris everywhere. He gasped, grabbed your arm and pulled you out of the way. 

 

“Ugh... that hurts. Are you okay, Munchkin?” He was trapped under the rubbles and the first thing that he asked is your safety?

“W-why did you do that, Syl? You got hurt protecting me. Didn’t you want to kill me?”, you said as you helped him out from the rubble.  Fortunately he is okay aside from a few scratch and bruises.

 

“When I thought you were going to be killed for real, my reflexes kicked in. I reacted without thinking. It doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being jealous of you. But, come on, I can’t help looking up to you.” He look at you with eyes full of worry and sadness.

 

“Sylvain..... Well.. It’s been awhile, but as much as I want to chat with you, we have to help Professor and Dimitri first. Cornelia has brought us so many sufferings. Now’s the time to put an end to all of this. And... thank you, Syl.” He nods and push forward to throw his lance at a Pegasus Knight that is fighting against Ingrid.

 

“I will go to deactivate Titanus’ lever. I know its location and it will help everyone tremendously against that gigantic monster! I’ll open Fhirdiad’s secret passages within my House territory to help everyone to get better access to Cornelia. When I’m done with it, I’ll regroup with reinforcement soldiers from my House to evacuate more citizens on the east side of Royal Capital, then go to help Dimitri fighting against Cornelia. See you later, Syl. Please stay safe.” You bid your farewell and run through smaller alley path, doing your missions, leaving Sylvain astonished at your very thorough, detailed plans.

 

Without the Titanus, Cornelia only has archers as her backups. As you take the archers down with Felix and Annette, Professor and Dimitri are working together to close in on her and take her down. It was a gruesome battle, but thanks to everyone’s efforts, casualties were kept to minimum and reclaiming Fhirdiad is a big success after Cornelia has been defeated.

---

It may be spring, but the nights are quite chilly here in Fhirdiad. The people are rejoicing at the return of their King. After a hard won battle of reclaiming Royal Capital of Fhirdiad, celebratory feast shows no sign of stopping. Growing weary of the festivities, you decided to excuse yourself from the banquet at the castle balcony.

“Munchkin. Here you are. His Highness has been looking for you. He wanted to express his gratitude for your loyalty and huge help at reclaiming Fhirdiad.”

“Good evening, Syl. We just did our utmost to help. Fhirdiad’s  peace and safety of the Blue Lions is of the most important thing for me, after all.”

A moment of silence passed where both of you stayed still, just basking in the moonlight and enjoying each others’ presence for a while.

“I’m sorry. I really am.” You are taken aback when Sylvain bows his head deeply in front of you.

“I know I messed up really bad and it’s fair enough if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me. My jealousy got the best of me and it has brought you so much harm. Most girls just want me for my title or my Crest, and when I thought that it was the same for you, I… I was the one who made a mistake. I’m sorry, truly I am.” Peeking at him from the corner of your eye, you could see the furrow of Sylvain’s brows, the frowning twist of his lips. It was a look you’d never seen on him. Regret and pain. He looks so vulnerable. Somehow, you didn’t doubt the apology.

“Please elaborate, Syl.”

“Since I bear a Crest, my parents made sure I was never left wanting. My older brother didn’t have one, and so when I was born, he was pushed aside. My mere existence stole everything from him. There’s so many people that want to get close to me because of my crest. Because of something I didn’t even want to be born with. I wish I could have cared as little about my Crest as you do yours...,” he grimaces, running a hand through his hair briskly. “Women smile at me for the same reason my parents adored me...and my brother wanted me dead. And I have to meet them all with a smile because I have a Crest.” Sylvain purses his lips.

 

“But you–you’ve never treated me differently. Always being there for me and understand me, and…and–I like you, (Y/N). No. I love you so much that it scared me. A lot,” he says, closing his eyes.

 

“You say that, but it doesn’t excuse the things you’ve done.” You didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to let him see mixed expression you were making at  his sudden confession but you knew he was looking at you. Intently.

 

“I was devastated when you left Garreg Mach years ago. I lost you once and I won’t let it happen again. So.... what I’m saying is…” he hesitated and briefly appeared at a loss of words which is very unlike of him.

He hugs you closer very tightly it hurts, cradling you gently against his chest. This close, you can feel the rapid pace of his heart and his nervousness. “Can you give me a second chance?” Sylvain’s touch was awkward and clumsy.

“......I will. But first… Please let me go, Syl. You are crushing me.”

Sylvain paused, as if unsure. “Did you mean that?” Vulnerability colored his tone, softened it. “I’d like to be a man who deserves that. Who deserves you. Even if you want nothing to do with me, one day I will find a way to make it up to you, to earn your forgiveness. I promise.” His voice wasn’t strong with his infamous flirtatious bravado. It was sincere.

 

“You’re so much more than just your Crest or your status, Sylvain Jose Gautier.” Taking his much bigger hand in your tiny ones, you smiled and whisper it against his hand. “You are the most amazing, kind, strongest, and nice man for me. Your path is your own.  I love you just the way you are, Sylvain. Crest or no Crest.” His face turned dark red instantly redder than his hair at your words. Sylvain.exe has stopped working

“You are going to be the death of me, Munchkin!!” Sylvain yells frantically. You can see his ears flushed furious red. He can die happy now. Goddess Sothis please take his soul.

“Why you still call me Munchkin, Syl?” you asked much to your curiousity. “It’s been years but you barely grow a few inch! But y-Ouch!! He yelps when you jab at his stomach. “But you have... grown into a fine, smart, and beautiful woman.”

 

“Time hasn’t been so kind to me in these past years, Syl. After my Father’s passing, I have to succeed him. Being a Marchioness isn’t an easy task but I learned so much and am still learning.”

 

“My sincerest condolences for your loss. But... he must be very proud of you, Munchkin. You will be a great Marchioness. Strong, thorough, quick-witted, and lovely as a—”

“Flattery won’t get you anywhere, Mr. Gautier.” You rolled your eyes at him. The redhead laughs softly and embrace you in his arms.

 

“When this war is over, will you come with me to my homeland? It’s time for the first step in the right direction. I don’t want to marry a girl who wants to use me for my Crest or a girl who someone else chose for me. I want to marry someone I really care about. With you by my side, I’m excited to find out what this new way of life is all about. (Y/N), I’m serious. Marry me. I’d do anything for you. I’m done lying, especially to myself. I’m going to spend the rest of our lives together trying to make you happy. I promise.”

 

 “I’d like to.... introduce you to my parents. They’d love to have a new Gauti—Gyaahh!!!” He shrieked when you stomped your feet on him. “I’m so DONE with you, Syl!!” you said with exasperated look, looking away trying to hide the rising heat in your cheeks. ‘A future with Sylvain...’

 

There’s a pause when you catch his gaze and find something vulnerable there, something familiar. The flicker of hope, mirrored in your expression. It’s as if everything falls into place and clicks. Then his lips were on yours, soft and hesitant, so unlike his usual self. Your eyes fluttered shut, your lips moulding against his, as his hand came up to cup your cheek. It was all the confession you needed.

 

“I will, Syl. I promise.”

---

Bonus:

When Professor and the Blue Lions heard about your new relationship with Sylvain, they offer you heartfelt congratulations and throw a little dinner party. Dimitri is OVERJOYED and sobs a little when he saw you are radiating with so much happiness. Back then in your Academy days, he was the one who worry about you the most when Sylvain treated you poorly, after all. Ashe and Dedue throw a lavish dinner to celebrate (Y/N) and Sylvain’s relationship that evening. Mercedes and Annette provide everyone with tasty sweets and dessert. It was a heartwarming small party among Blue Lions members.

Sadly, Sylvain didn’t get to celebrate it together. Rumors had it that Felix and Ingrid has beaten him to a bloody pulp (with Professor’s EXCLUSIVE permission) because he made you their lovely sweet lil sis wept and hurt. Sylvain kept on mumbling something between “Don’t ever hitting another girl”, “RUIN his Lance of Ruin”, “Don’t ever taint her”, or “You’re finished”. Even the kind and benevolent Mercie turned her back and refuse to heal Sylvain. The Gautier heir almost went to hell that evening.

 

The poor, traumatized philanderer will changing his ways for the better for sure.

#fe sylvain #sylvain angst #sylvain x reader #fe3h x reader #fe3h fluff #sylvain fluff #fe3h fanfic #fire emblem three houses #fire emblem x reader #angst #fluff #romance

[sunnyville36]

Mamihlapinatapai {part 4}

We're almost to the end!! Much love to all of you for reading 💜

Need to catch up? {overview} {part 1} {part 2} {part 3}

Pairing: Bang Chan x Female Reader

Themes: royal au, medieval au, court intrigue, arranged marriage, original characters, mutual pining, slow burn

Warnings: mentions of death/war/murder, mentions of torture (brief), mentions of physical abuse (brief), emotionally abusive parents

Rating: Mature

Word count: 5.4k

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Mamihlapinatapai - (noun, Yagán origin) a silent acknowledgement and understanding between two people, who are both wishing or thinking the same thing (and are both unwilling to initiate)

Instincts  |  Kingdom of Gu, present day

You’d slept maybe a total of twelve hours in the three days since the poisoning attempt.  Things were still tense between you and Chan after your outburst at the pond.  The king didn’t want him leaving the safety of his chambers, not knowing if there would be another attack on his life, which meant you only really saw him at mealtimes.  You’d tried to apologize for raising your voice at him a few times but could never manage to look him in the eye, always leaving the room before he could say anything more than a thank you for the food.  You were also avoiding him because you felt you’d revealed something in those words, a small part of the way you felt about him, and you weren’t ready to confront any of the implications from that just yet.  At night, you couldn’t sleep, your thoughts full of fear for Chan’s safety and concern for what would happen between Gu and Lajor.  So you’d spent the hours wandering the outskirts and corridors of the castle, lingering especially in the wing where the prince’s room was.

It was on the third night of your rounds, as you were walking the eastern side of the castle that faced the forest, the air humid and suffocating on your skin, that you spotted a flash of gold hair headed for the base of the closest tower.  You turned and followed the hooded figure as they approached the castle entrance, and the growing sinking feeling in your stomach was confirmed when their face caught the light.

You had to hand it to her, she either had a death wish or nerves of steel to show up here again.

Korenna was attempting to break through the bolt on the door when you pulled up behind her, bringing a hand to her mouth and a knife to her throat.

“I could kill you where you stand, and no one would protest at my decision.”

“You could, but I don’t believe you will,” she responded, voice calmer than you expected.

You whipped her around to face you, snarling in a whisper, “Don’t you dare use my own words against me.  I said that to you when I thought I could trust you, and you’ve made it blatantly clear that was a misjudgement on my part.”

“Y/n no please listen it wasn’t.  I know I was rude and standoffish - “

“Rude and standoffish?!” you repeated in disbelief.  “Sure that’s definitely what we’re talking about right now.  You know, I always thought maybe it was because you were a shy person, or because you were jealous, but, as it turns out, you just aren’t one of those people who likes to get really close to the person she’s trying to murder.”

Korenna looked like she was about to cry, leaning forward as if to grab at your arms despite the knife still pointing at her throat.  “Please, Y/n, that’s not what I meant, I can explain!  Do you really think you were so wrong about me; do you really think I could kill a man in cold blood?”

You shouldn’t even be entertaining her excuses, you thought to yourself.  She was trying to use your pride against you, to trick you into letting her explain herself so you didn’t have to admit you were wrong.  But, like always, as you watched her, trying to discern any ounce of deceit or malice, you found none.

You lowered the knife, stepping back and motioning for her to continue.

“You know that my father was crazy enough to try to invade Gu all those years ago.  What you don’t know is that he’s only gotten more delusional and power hungry over all these years, hell bent on taking down your kingdom as revenge against King Bang and completely disregarding the well being of his own.  Last year, I had been trying to gather support from the ministers, to show them just how corrupt, how evil he had become.  That was when my mother died and my father finally snapped, leaving me and my nine year old sister completely at the whim of his wrath.  He locked Paige away at some secret fortress and told me that if I didn’t agree to his plan of killing Prince Chan and wreaking havoc on your kingdom, he would leave her alone to starve to death.  He gave me three weeks to decide and I searched for her desperately, but at the end of it I was no closer to finding her and was forced to agree to the marriage he had arranged to initiate his plot.”

“Why should I believe any of this?”

“Because she’s here, right now.  We crossed the border with a small group of knights who are sympathetic to our position.  They wanted to help me, and I want to help you, but I had to make sure my sister was safe.  Now that she is, we can work together to protect your kingdom and hopefully preserve mine.”

You were silent, taking her and her story in.

“If you could just bring me to Chris, let me tell him all of this, apologize for what I did,” she pleaded, eyes begging even more than her words.

“Fine.  I will bring you to His Highness, and he will decide what to do with you.”

***

You led Korenna past the guards, neither of them giving you a second look when they saw it was you despite your concealed companion.  Chan was known for burning the midnight oil, and tonight was no different.  You could see the light drifting out from beneath his door as you knocked lightly, and were met with his quiet, “Come in.”

You opened the door, remaining in the door frame as he turned to face you.  “Your Highness, there’s someone here to see you,” you said, stepping aside and pushing Korenna in front of you before you followed in and shut the door.

Chan sat still for a moment, then leaned back in his chair, legs and arms crossed in his most casual yet intimidating pose.

“Unless my oldest friend has decided to kill me tonight, which I certainly hope is not the case, you must have had a pretty convincing reason for her to bring you here.”

Korenna remained silent, looking between you and the prince nervously.

Chan rolled his eyes, clearly frustrated.  “Well?  Let me hear it.”

She told him everything, about her father’s plot and her involvement, the threats against her sister, how she had support from the knights and probably a fair majority of the people as well.

“I know you could never forgive me for what I did, but I am truly, sincerely sorry,” she said, head bowed.

The prince seemed to be contemplating her story just as you had.  Finally, his voice broke the silence.

“Show me this sister of yours and then I will decide how we proceed.”

***

You walked next to Chan as you followed Korenna into the forest where her sister was supposedly waiting with the Lajoran knights.  You didn’t like this plan, knew if Korenna’s description was true, you and Chan would be severely outnumbered should things turn south, but Chan had insisted on only taking you with him.  He looked unusually pensive as you walked, and you decided to take this opportunity to give your apology, in case it happened to be your last.

“Your Highness,” you said quietly, “I’ve been meaning to tell you how sorry I am for how I spoke to you by the pond.  You were only trying to comfort me and I took my insecurities out on you and you didn’t deserve that.”

He put his arm out in front of you, stopping you in your tracks.

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?  Y/n, I’ve been trying to ask you for three days if you were alright and all this time you’ve been feeling guilty?  Please, please don’t feel that way, I would never blame you for what happened and I was never upset about our conversation.  Promise me you won’t keep anything like this from me again?”

You looked at each other and you nodded, both silently agreeing not to touch on the part of that previous conversation where you revealed something else you’d been keeping from him.

The two of you jogged back up to where Korenna had stopped at a small, raised hill surrounded by rocks.  It certainly was a good vantage point and hiding spot.  Once again, you hoped your instincts about this woman and her intentions would be correct.

Korenna led you around the corner of one of the rocks, and that was when you saw the young girl.  She was lying wrapped in a blanket despite the heat, and her hair looked dirty and matted.  The men sitting around her straightened as Korenna approached the group, but she held up her hand to show them you were on their side.  The girl lifted her head when she heard your footsteps, her gaunt face morphing into a smile at the sight of her sister.

“Korenna, you’re back,” she rasped as the elder knelt and wrapped her in a hug, and your heart broke at the sound of her barely there voice.

“Your Highness…”

“I know,” he said, reading what you were going to say from the tone of your voice, “we need to get her to Felix.”

You both approached the pair and you knelt down next to Korenna, speaking softly to the younger princess.

“Hello Paige.  My name is Y/n.  I’m a friend of your sister.  She’s brought you a really long way to make sure you’re safe, and we’re going to get you some help now so you can feel better.  Would that be alright with you?”

The little girl nodded, and you looked up at Korenna, silently asking permission to pick her up.  Korenna nodded as well, so you gathered Paige into your arms and began the trek back to the palace, some of the knights following along with you.  You looked behind you to see Chan place his hand on Korenna’s shoulder.

“Thank you for showing me.  Together we’re going to make this right.”

Conscription  |  Kingdom of Lajor, present day

“Your Majesty, the villagers are reporting they have no more men to send, and those in the city have been rioting for two days since the conscription announcement went out.  The knights can barely keep the peace and we have more and more deserters every day.  I’m just not sure we should continue hounding the people - ”

King Eunther looked up from his seat in the throne room, cutting the man off with a steely, impenetrable gaze.

“Sir Bavrard, do the people control this kingdom?”

“N-no, Your Majesty.”

“And do the knights?”

“No, Your Majesty.”

“Then please explain to me why you are suggesting we listen to the complaints of those ungrateful, insubordinate traitors over my own direct orders?!” the king shouted, Sir Bavrard cowering beneath him.

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty, I just don’t know what else we can do to compel such a large uprising - “

“I’ll tell you what you can do,” King Eunther snarled, rising from his chair, “you can tell them that if they don’t cooperate, you will bring them to stand in front of me and I will personally remove their head from their body.  Do I make myself clear?!”

32 men died that day.

Checkmate  |  Kingdom of Gu, present day

You entered the infirmary, walking over to where Prince Felix sat at the bedside of a much healthier looking Paige.

“Y/n!” she called, her head peeking around Felix’s shoulder to smile at you.

“Hello little princess,” you said, returning her smile as you came to stand beside Felix.  “I’m glad to see you doing much better.  Do you mind if I borrow your companion for a moment?”

“Nope!” she pronounced, going back to the book she’d been reading as Felix followed you to the corner of the room.

“You were right, her condition is much improved,” Felix said.  “I’m still a little worried about her malnourishment, but as long as she remains well fed and warm, she should be alright.”

“That’s good news; Princess Korenna will be glad to hear it.  She wanted me to thank you for tending to her, Your Grace.”

“I’m delighted to!” he exclaimed quietly.  “She’s got quite the personality in that little body of hers, kept me on my toes the last few days.”

As if on cue, Paige piped up from behind the two of you, “Felix, could I have that glass of orange juice you’d said you’d bring me?  I waited ten minutes like you said.”

“See?” he said with a smile and a raise of his eyebrows, turning to leave the room.  You followed after him, sending a wave and a wink to the princess on your way.

You headed back to the throne room, where King Bang, Chan, Korenna, Minho, and the rest of the head knights were gathered.  They’d been discussing their plans for the imminent Lajoran attack for a few days now, Korenna and her knights filling in any gaps of knowledge or speculating on Eunther’s strategies when they could.  You’d been in attendance as well, taking notes, marking maps, and giving suggestions every once in a while.  Battle planning had never been your favorite task; you couldn’t help but think about all the senseless loss that came from two men getting into a pissing contest over who should control what land or trying to ‘avenge their honor.’  Surely there had to be a better way, especially in this situation where it was clear the Lajoran people were not exactly in support of their ruler, to defeat a rogue king without the death of innocent people.

Entering the room, you caught eyes with Korenna, who walked over to meet you in the far corner.

“Prince Felix says she’s still stable, Your Grace.  As long as we keep her here and watch that she’s getting enough food, she should recover just fine.”

“Oh thank god, what a relief,” Korenna sighed, placing one hand on your arm and one over her chest.  “I can’t begin to thank you all enough for what you’ve done for us.”

Your ears perked at that.  Korenna seemed like she also despised the loss of innocent life, considering she hadn’t even been able to kill her father’s enemy despite her own sister being in danger.  Maybe you could suggest your proposal to her and she could advocate for it, as a way of repaying you all and preventing more death.

“Actually, Your Grace, if I may, there is something I was considering.  There may be a potential way to prevent an all out battle between our two peoples, if what you’ve told us is true about your father’s current standing amongst your citizens.  If you were to propose it, the others might take more kindly to it than if it came from me.”

Korenna didn’t say anything, so you took that as a sign to continue.  You explained what you had been turning over in your head for the past few days, checking a few of the details with her.  When you finished, the princess looked a little apprehensive.

“I am in total support of that plan, Y/n,” the princess explained.  “But I worry that if it comes from me, King Bang is going to reject it outright.  I can tell he is not as convinced of my intentions as you and Chris are.”

She had a point.  If the plan were to come from her, it would probably seem more suspicious, more likely to be a trap.  However, you feared the king wouldn’t consider you proposing such a plan to be much more trustworthy.

Korenna seemed to be reading that exact thought on your face as she said, “Why don’t you angle it towards Chris; I know he holds your input in high regard.”

You felt your heart tug at her statement, but pushed those thoughts to the back of your mind.  Korenna was right; you could do this.  You nodded at her and you both returned to the table.

The men were talking, so you tried clearing your throat, but that seemed to do nothing to get their attention.  Noticing your hesitation, Korenna interrupted.

“Gentlemen, I believe Y/n has something to say.”

You smiled gratefully at her then turned your attention to Chan.  If you could just remain focused on him you were confident you could explain your plan and maybe even convince them to buy in to it too.

“Your Highness, I’ve been thinking of a way that we could perhaps avoid any direct conflict with Lajor.  We already know that Her Grace has many supporters, as evidenced by our friends here.  And according to their reports, the people are in no position to support a war; this is all one man’s doing.  So if we can eliminate that one man, our problem would be solved.

I propose we arrange a meeting with King Eunther.  Somewhere neutral, away from the majority of our armies.  We frame it as a truce meeting, have him go into it thinking he will get some concessions from our side in order to prevent a fight.  In reality, we use it as a chance to capture him unawares.  Her Grace can confront her father, and if our information is correct, the knights and soldiers will take her side and we can end this situation with zero loss of life and a new friend on the Lajoran throne.”

You glanced at Korenna and saw she was smiling brightly at you.  Looking back at Chan, you could tell he was seriously considering what you had said, head pressed together with Minho in quiet conversation.  The Lajoran and Guan knights were murmuring to each other, indicating agreement with what you’d proposed.  The only person who appeared to be against it was King Bang.

“Using deception and ambushing a man has always been considered dishonorable,” the king spat, as if you had insulted the very foundation of the kingdom.  “Wars are meant to be fought on the battlefield and our army could easily outpace Lajor’s; there are expectations and traditions that should be upheld.”

It took everything in you not to scream at him, to unleash a lifetime’s worth of anguish caused by his ignorance and arrogance.  You’d had enough of hearing this man talk about all the noble pursuits of battle without ever having to face the consequences of one.  You turned to him, your chin held high.

“Forgive me, Your Majesty, but this is not about the “honor” of taking him down on the battlefield.  This is about not sacrificing the lives of men to maintain your own sense of righteousness.”

The room went silent at that.  You kept your eyes on the king, could feel him seething under his impartial expression.  Under any other circumstances, the punishment for what you’d just said would be severe.  But everyone in the room was starting to come to the realization that your plan had merit.  It would be faster, easier, less costly, and less deadly than simply bracing for an attack, no matter how “dishonorable” it might seem.  And even the king knew now was not the time to berate you, though you were sure it would come back to haunt you later.

You felt Chan press his hand to the small of your back, the sign of support giving you more strength.  “Y/n is right.  Even if we would be likely to take a victory in battle, her plan has the best chance of rooting out the cause of our problem here and now and placing both our kingdoms in a better position for the long term.  If anyone disagrees, they should speak now.”

Everyone kept silent, some nodding their heads in agreement with the decision.

“Then we shall prepare to execute it.”

***

You avoided the throne room as much as possible for the next few days as preparations were made, wanting to have as little interaction with the king as you could.  Chan had praised you after the meeting, had said he was proud you’d spoken up to his father.  You knew the prince had the best of intentions, but you also knew he could never understand what it was like to know that by doing what you did, you’d surrendered yourself to whatever punishment the king saw fit to assign after this ordeal came to an end.

A rider had been dispatched to Lajor to deliver the terms of your meeting.  In the letter, Gu had agreed to secede the western most portion of its territory as well as deliver half its military forces to Lajor.  The only stipulation was an in person meeting to sign the documents.  As suspected, King Eunther was too tempted by power to see through your guise, thin as it may have been.  The meeting was set for today at noon.

Armies from both sides were prepared, in case this peace offering did not go smoothly.  The plan was to bring you, Chan, Korenna, King Bang, Minho, the Lajoran knights, and a few members of your own royal guard to the meeting place, which was designated to be the same spot in the forest where the earlier attempt on Chan’s life took place.

Hours before the meeting, you were making your way through the forest as quickly and quietly as you could, bow strapped to your back and dressed in your most inconspicuous woodland attire.  You were to arrive at the grove early so you could take your position prior to anyone else arriving, or, in the worst case, report back if an enemy agent was attempting to do the same.  It was decided earlier that you would walk there alone, in order to leave as little trace as possible.

You didn’t mind the solitude as you meandered through the woods, trying not to leave an obvious trail behind you.  Before you’d left, Korenna had come to confirm with you the signal for your part of the plan.  Then, just as you were about to enter the forest, a voice called your name.

“Y/n!”

“Your Highness, you should be preparing with the others.”

“I know I-I just had to see you before you go.  To tell you goodluck.”

You looked at him and, steeling yourself for what you were about to do, tugged him into a crushing embrace.  He returned the hug, his head close enough to hear you whisper, “You too.”

Both of you were well aware of the hundreds of unspoken things behind the brief words you exchanged, but they were all that needed to be said for now.

You reached the clearing and found the tree with the best camouflage that had the vantage point you wanted.  Climbing up, you settled in for the long wait until the rest of the players arrived.

***

After about two hours, you heard the distinctive clopping of hooves coming from the direction of the Gu palace.  A few moments later, your friends came into sight of the clearing.  Remaining hidden, you watched as they fanned out into a semi-circle facing the direction of Lajor, King Bang and Korenna in the center.

Minutes passed and the Lajorans were nowhere to be seen.  It felt eerily quiet in the forest, and you began to worry King Eunther had caught on to your plan and was in the midst of attacking the city as you all stood here waiting for him.  However, after another few tense minutes, the Lajoran party arrived, consisting of King Eunther, his most trusted advisor Sir Bavrard, and thirty or so additional knights on foot, far more than the agreed upon fifteen.  You surveyed them as they formed a group behind Eunther.  Most looked anxious, like they weren’t quite sure what they should do in the event they were told to act, others seemed outright bored, and they all appeared to be sorely lacking in food and armament.  Just as Korenna had predicted, and just as you’d counted on for your plan to work.

“Sir Alfrey,” Eunther began, spotting Korenna’s biggest supporter on his horse beside her, “I should have known you’d be behind all this.”

Your friends remained silent, their expressions blank.

The king seemed slightly unnerved at the lack of response, and decided to try another tactic.  “So, am I to believe you brought my daughter here as a gesture of good faith, an additional item to be returned to me in the terms of our... arrangement?”

Chan’s even tempered voice rang out.  “She is not our prisoner; she came to us of her own free will.”

“And what of my younger daughter, Paige?”

“Don’t.  Speak.  Her name,” Korenna gritted out.

“Oh Korenna, you stupid girl; you’re the whole reason we’re in this unpleasant mess, so just stay quiet and let the men do the talking.”

You felt an angry coil rise in the pit of your stomach at his words, more resolved than ever to execute your plan and free Korenna from this abuse for good.  Taking your stance, you kept your eyes trained on the Lajoran king.

“No, father.  I will not stay quiet,” Korenna spoke again.  It had been agreed she would do most of the talking; the more riled up the king became the more reckless he would be, and his daughter talking back to him seemed to do the trick perfectly.

Eunther opened his mouth to say something, but before he could speak, Korenna continued.  “We did not ask you here today to sign a truce or give you any concessions to appease you.  We came here to put an end to this feud and an end to your rule.  You have irresponsibly and unjustly led our people, going so far as to torture and kill them when they do not agree with your machinations.  It is my obligation to remove you from the throne for the sake of our kingdom.  You will surrender to us now and I will walk our men off this battlefield and home to their families.”

You knew it would be your cue soon, your arm pulling back to anchor an arrow at the corner of your mouth.

“I think you can see my forces far outnumber yours at the moment,” the king said, gesturing to the knights behind him.  “And sadly you seem to believe our people are as disloyal as you are, an unfortunate misjudgement.  Why would I ever agree to your weak-minded, insolent little proposal?”

You let the arrow fly, and watched as it sailed just past Eunther, nicking his ear and drawing the tiniest drop of blood.

In the ensuing chaos caused by the seemingly rogue arrow, your team of knights rushed the Lajoran side, many of them laying down their weapons immediately in the face of the much healthier, much better armed Guan force.  You looked to see Minho drag Bavrard out from where he was crouched under the legs of his horse, lest an arrow attempt to find him as its target.  The other royals from your party remained safe in their position below and slightly to the left of your own.  Satisfied, you notched another arrow.

King Eunther put his hand to his ear, feeling the cut, and rose his gaze to find you perched in the treetops above.  “You missed.”

“I assure you,” you heard Chan say, “if she’d wanted it, you’d be dead.”

“I don’t want to kill you father,” came Korenna’s softer-edged voice.  “But if your choice is not to surrender, well, I’m afraid you’ve forced my hand.”

The smug look finally left the king’s face, his eyes darting around to see his companions abandoning him.  He got down from his horse, arms open wide in a begging posture mirroring his attitude that had shifted on a dime, hoping to win over his daughter with fake apologies and promises.  Damn, you thought, this man really doesn’t have a principled bone in his body.

“Korenna, daughter, please don’t do this.  I’m sure we can - “

An arrow landed in the grass between his feet.  He’d taken one step too close for your liking.

“Sir Alfrey,” Korenna instructed, “please take my father into custody.”

The king blanched as the knight dismounted and stepped forward, a steady stream of curses leaving his lips.

“I will get my revenge on you, you impudent little girl!  How do you think you will succeed in this plan of yours without me; you know nothing of running a kingdom!  You should watch your back, dear daughter, for I will always be lurking; I swear to you, you will never be rid of me!”

“Actually, father,” Korenna said, riding past him on her striking white mare, “I already am.”

Reign  |  Kingdom of Lajor, present day

Standing outside the palace gates hand-in-hand with Paige, you couldn’t keep the smile off your face.  You’d just exited the carriage that had carried King Bang, Chan, you, and the little princess back to her kingdom.  Korenna’s coronation was happening today, and luckily Paige had recovered enough to travel just in time to make it for her sister’s momentous occasion.

After Korenna had successfully confronted her father, she had made her way to the waiting Lajoran army and proclaimed there would be no battle.  They’d rejoiced and, unlike her father’s deluded assumption of the opposite, the kingdom had welcomed her as their ruler with open arms.  You and the others had returned to announce the good news to your own citizens, and to Paige, who was ecstatic at her sister’s triumph.  The last few days had been spent drafting amendments and additions to your trade agreements and foreign policy documents; with Korenna on the throne, Lajor and Gu’s relationship would transform from one of hostility to one of cooperation.  In all the bustle, you’d somehow managed to avoid a confrontation with King Bang over your behavior at the war table that day, but you couldn’t help thinking it was only a matter of time before the other shoe dropped.

You were ushered inside, hundreds of people weaving in and out amongst the beautifully decorated corridors as you found your way to the throne room.  You left the royals to take their seats at the front of the crowd while you went in search of your mother.

Many attendees from Gu, knights, servants, and citizens alike, had come to observe the ceremony, as a kind of display of support and camaraderie for your kingdom’s newly found ally.  You found your mother along the left side wall in a relatively uncrowded spot and took your place to watch your friend as she approached the priest who would bestow upon her the title of Queen of Lajor.

Between the hum of the clergymen reciting holy texts and oaths, you heard your mother whisper, “She knows not the sacrifice she makes to hold this position.”

You thought back to every conversation you’d had with Korenna, how in each and every one she demonstrated a profound devotion to her kingdom and her people.  “I think she does,” you responded.

“It must be daunting, knowing that responsibility sits on your shoulders from the very beginning.”  She saw your gaze shift from Korenna to Chan, seated at the front of the room next to his father, looking proudly up at the princess.

“I can only imagine.”

She paused, then continued, “Do you think you could bear that burden?”

Your mother was well aware of your feelings for the prince, had been since you tearily confessed to her the night of your one and only kiss.  So you knew what she meant.  Knew the question she was really asking, the question you’d pondered yourself more times than you could count.

Would you sacrifice the relative freedom you enjoyed now, agree to be beholden to a people and their wellbeing, in order to be with Chris, the man you loved?

Surprised at this line of questioning though you were, you answered honestly.  “If given the chance, I would bear it a hundred times over.”

Your attention was drawn back to the ceremony then, the priest announcing in a booming voice that Lajor had a new queen, Queen Korenna Dormio, first of her name.

The crowd erupted in applause, and you saw Paige dash up the dias steps to wrap her arms around her sister.  You felt the presence of eyes on you and looked to see Chan, his head turned to smile at you in the crowd.  You smiled back, and the answer you’d given your mother rang in your mind, as true as you’d ever felt it.

You would give anything for him.

{part 5}

#stray kids #stray kids fanfiction #bang chan #bang chan fanfiction #bang chan fanfic #bang chan fic #bang chan x reader #bang chan imagines #bang chan fluff #bang chan smut #stray kids fic #stray kids x reader #stray kids imagines #skz #skz x reader #skz fanfic #skz fic #skz imagines #skz fluff #skz smut #royal au #alternate universe

[herinsectreflection]

Faith, Buffy, Dreams, and Secret Kisses

This is one of my favourite scenes in the series. Partially because it’s just my personal jam - I admit that I am Fuffy trash, and I have a real love for dream sequences. Buffy had great dream sequences, but this is where they take a step up. It’s a precursor to Restless in this regard and others. It feels weighty and meaningful, but also a little off and incongruent with itself, in that way that only dreams are. Lines are exchanged that don’t quite follow as direct responses to each other, clashing in interesting ways. It’s packed with foreshadowing, metaphor, and other juicy things. And beyond that, it’s a conclusion to Buffy’s entire arc this season about dealing with her shadow self, and it leads to what I think is the single most romantic moment in the series. I want to talk about this scene and unpack some of what I think it’s saying.

First of all, let’s talk about the setting. We’re in Faith’s apartment, bought for her by the Mayor. Essentially, the villain’s lair, where the two Big Bads plotted their evil plans against our hero. But it’s also a set where we saw most of the bonding and semi-familial love between Faith and the Mayor. A place of both evil and love. And for Buffy, a place of trauma. This is where she makes the decision and takes the action to kill another human. I don’t think she was unjustified in doing so, but it’s still an immensely traumatic act for her, and I think she loses a little part of herself when she does it. The location is very much a reflection of Faith, and Buffy’s relationship to her. I don’t think Buffy loves Faith romantically at this point, but I think she cares about her, and remains concerned about her, and I think it’s fair to call that a kind of love. Faith is also evil, a figure of betrayal but also temptation to the “dark side”. And she is also a figure of trauma, clear deep-seated trauma that she fails to resolve, and just gets worse over the course of the season. Buffy is essentially inside her own relationship to Faith, inside a stadium of sin, trauma, love, and shattered glass. Faith looks out of the broken window that they fought through, and we are reminded that their relationship too is broken, unrepaired, littered with the detritus of conflict. There’s no going back from this - even in dreams that window remains broken, and their relationship will always have this damage.

The props too are an interesting choice. TPN’s video on Graduation Day pointed out the painting of a giant snake with a man’s head on the wall. More conflicting feelings here - the Mayor is Faith’s closest connection to humanity and love right now, and also the reason for her betrayal of Buffy. Her redemption and damnation. We also see boxes of various things piled up - including the crossbow that Faith stole in Bad Girls. The image of packing up a room into boxes makes me think of moving away as a student. We must remember that Buffy is graduating today, on the verge of packing her life away and taking it somewhere else, and this reminds us of that.

The first thing of real substance we see is the cat, which jumps up on Faith’s bed. This is one of the aspects of this dream in direct conversation with Restless, where a cat symbolises the Slayer - a specifically feminine, solitary predator that stalks the night. In Restless, we cut to Miss Kitty stalking the camera from shots of the First slayer stalking Willow. Here though, the intercut images are between the cat and Faith, lying bruised and helpless in a hospital. The cat (and the Slayer) is, as far as Buffy is concerned, not a danger but a creature in need of help.

Buffy: "Who's going to look after him?" Faith: "It's a she. And aren't these things supposed to take care of themselves?"

They’re very clearly talking about their respective approaches to slaying, and to life in general. Buffy tries to encourage ties to humanity, telling Faith back in Revelations that she is on Faith’s side. Faith retorts that she alone is on her side, and she repeats that sentiment here. But Buffy is obviously proved right - Faith is lying almost dead because she rejected all help and care.

Buffy: "A higher power guiding us?" Faith: "I'm pretty sure that's not what I meant."

If the cat is the Slayer in this conversation, then the “higher power guiding us” could refer to the Watchers. It makes sense that Buffy delivers this line with a little wry smile, given that she’s just resigned herself from the Council. This allows a little bit of ambiguity in their debate - Buffy has taken on a little bit of Faith’s advice in emancipating herself and so making herself as the Slayer more self-reliant. The show agrees that that too is the right move. A little independence is good and healthy. What Faith means when she talks about “taking care of herself” is not self-reliance or independence, but emotional hardness and self-marooning to avoid hurt. This is something that Buffy will continue to struggle with for the rest of the series. Faith is kind of right when she states that the Slayer is alone and must take care of herself, and it’s up to Buffy to find a healthy way of dealing with that.

"Oh yeah. Miles to go - Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7-3-0.”

The scene shifts a little, and we get some foreshadowing for Dawn (Little Miss Muffet), and for Buffy’s death (730 days from now). This is done with the the lighting too, as Faith faces the camera, and the light of the dawn hits her face, in a shot extremely similar to the end of The Gift.

Interestingly, Faith is repeatedly used in this way. In This Year’s Girl, Faith talks about “little sis coming” as she and Buffy make the bed in her first dream. In Restless, that scene gets a callback (”Faith and I just made that bed”), in a scene that ends with the most anvilicious foreshadowing (”Be back before dawn”), as well as a callback to the 7-3-0 line (”Oh, that clock’s all wrong”). In Graduation Day, Faith refers to Buffy as being “dressed up in big sister’s clothes”, however to me Faith has always felt more as being the “little sister” in this relationship. She looks up to Buffy yet is also deeply jealous of her. She wants to be Buffy, to have her friends, her life, the love of her mother. She’s kind of a precursor to Dawn in this respect, so it makes sense that she’s a prophet for her coming.

Slayers having prophetic dreams is well-established, so it makes sense that a dream shared by two slayers would allow them to prophesise a little further ahead in time. Faith hints at this, remarking "Sorry, it's my head. A lot of new stuff.". You have to wonder what other “new stuff” Faith is becoming aware of. Perhaps a new perspective on everything Buffy’s been saying all season. Sharing a mind temporarily is often helpful in seeing another’s point of view. Faith does seem unusually thoughtful as she looks out of the broken window and remarks "They are never going to fix this, are they?".

This is perhaps my favourite line in the scene. It’s a slight mislead, as it comes right as we get a flash of the cat-as-Faith in the foreground. So we assume it’s a reference to her own injuries, which she is expected to never recover from.

But the Faith that’s talking isn’t looking at her own body. She’s looking at the broken window. The symbol for her broken relationship with Buffy. She has become us, the audience, looking at Buffy and Faith and saying “boy, those crazy kids really are never going to work it out, are they?”. It’s true for Faith, it’s true for Faith&Buffy, and it’s true for Buffy herself. When that knife entered Faith’s gut, all three were irrevocably changed forever. You can never put back the life you had before after it’s broken like that. All you can do is take what you can work with, and try to make something new.

Buffy: "What about you?" Faith: "Scar tissue. It fades. It all fades." Buffy confirms that the previous line was not about Faith specifically by asking “what about you”, in a lovely expression of concern. After everything, Buffy does still care about Faith. Faith’s reply of “scar tissue” is an obvious reference to the literal wound she is now carrying (emphasised by the shot of the knife that Buffy sees afterwards), but it’s interesting that she gestures to her face when she says this. It feels like a reference to her entire self. If we accept Faith as Buffy’s shadow self, then “scar tissue” is an accurate description of her. As Buffy herself says, Faith is who she could be if her life was worse (or, perhaps, who she would be if she allowed the tragedies of her life to rule her). She is the part of Buffy’s unconscious self that is revealed after receiving violence. She is the physical proof of trauma. The self that remains after pain. 

Buffy: “Is this your mind or mine?” Again, hitting that note of symbiosis; emphasising how inextricably tied these two characters are. The lines between their psyches are blurred to the point of no longer existing. This is such an intimate moment, almost sexual, with Buffy and Faith unable to tell where their own mind ends and another begins. Imagine the intimacy of that - entering another’s mental space and allowing them into yours, so wholly that they become one and the same. It becomes a mutual recognition of unity and shared pain, and an affirmation of the eternal divisions between them.

I love the ambiguity of the “human weakness” line too. One way we are invited to read it is that Faith is doing a heel-face turn, and intentionally giving Buffy the means to defeat the Mayor. But we’re not allowed anything that easy, to wash away Faith’s sins with a quick redemption before the climax. Faith has miles to go before she can achieve that. It’s just as likely that Faith is talking about herself, and the human weakness that led her down a dark path, or that Buffy is talking about Faith through the Faith in her head, or Buffy is just working it out on her own, etc, etc. This is the information that saves the world, and I like that it remains an unknown. A permanent “maybe”, just as Buffy and Faith’s relationship is. 

Buffy: "How are you going to fit all this stuff?" Faith: "Not gonna. It's yours." Buffy: "I can't use all of this!" Faith: "Just take what you need. You're ready?"

As the scene reaches its climax, we see the most obvious recitation of the season’s themes. S3 is about Buffy coming into conflict with her own shadow self, and here the show tells us how she does that - by taking what she needs. I mentioned earlier that we saw the crossbow from Bad Girls, from the “want/take/have” scene. Here, Faith is telling her the same thing, but in a more healthy way. She cannot just hedonistically consume everything like a crazed id-monster, but she also cannot deny herself things that she needs. 

Most importantly, the “stuff” they are referring to is Faith’s, but as Faith says, it’s also Buffy’s. Everything that Faith is, Buffy is too, because she is her shadow self. Buffy must recognise this, accept it, and incorporate the shadow self into her own identity. She cannot be consumed by the shadow self and simply become Faith, allowing her shadow to consume her conscious personality (”how are you going to fit all this stuff?”). Instead she must recognise her dark mirror, and take the healthy parts, and integrate them into herself as an individual (”take what you need”).

It is at this point of healing and merging between Buffy’s self and shadow self that Faith reaches out, almost touches her in an action that feels so tender, and Buffy becomes conscious. She literally becomes her conscious self by making peace with her dream (unconscious self). She stands up, and walks over to Faith’s bed. This is the moment that their relationship all season has been leading to. She leans over, and places a kiss on her forehead.

This kiss is everything. It’s an act of thanks, as Buffy realises Faith may have given her what she needs to save the day (at the cost of Faith’s one familial figure). It is an act of service, as Buffy literally gives Faith the kiss she asked for when they started to fight in Graduation Day. It could also be an act of forgiveness. We know from I Only Have Eyes For You that forgiveness, Buffy learns, is done not because somebody deserves it, but because they need it. Faith at this point probably does not deserve it, does not want forgiveness (she wants to be punished), nor can she recognise it in her current state, but Buffy gives it anyway, adding another layer of heartbreak. It is given not for any purpose, but for its own sake.

Above all though, this is an act of recognition. We must consider the previous forehead-kiss that these two shared, back in Enemies, and Faith’s words directly before: “What are you gonna do, B, kill me? You become me. You're not ready for that, yet.” And in Graduation Day, just after Buffy stabs her: “You did it. You killed me.” And her words in the dream, just a few seconds ago: “You're ready?"

Now I don’t think that Buffy stabbing Faith to save Angel is morally equivalent to Faith voluntarily killing people to help an evil guy become a big snake. I don’t think the show wants us to think that either. But the line is firmly blurred. Angel says in Consequences that the act of taking a life will change Faith irrevocably, and Faith agrees. She sees herself as tainted from that point on, and if Buffy took her life, she would be tainted too. And though it’s understandable and morally defensible, there’s no doubt that a part of Buffy - her innocence - dies on that balcony when she sticks that knife in. That act is forever. The choice to do violence is permanent. 

So when Faith says “you killed me”, she is saying “you have become me”. She identifies a common nature in them. And when Buffy kisses her, returning it in the exact same way as when Faith first said those words, she is saying “I know”. She recognises and responds to Faith’s mirror by holding up one of her own. She matches similarity with similarity. She is finally “ready” to assimilate her shadow self, and does it by telling her shadow self that she sees her, and that she was right. 

The beautiful part of all this is that it is silent. Faith would’ve been aware of their unification in the dreamscape, since it was happening in both of their heads, but she has no way of knowing about this. I wonder if Buffy would ever tell her. I doubt it. This is the core of the Faith/Buffy tragedy. This is why I find this relationship so compelling. Buffy performs this act of recognition and devotion entirely in secret. It is a stolen kiss and a private confession. A whisper made to a sleeping lover. A letter written, sealed, stamped, and set on fire. It is an act of love and tenderness made entirely for its own sake, without witness or reward. 

This is the single most romantic moment of the show for me. In this show that in many ways about how when nothing you do matters, all that matters is what you do, what could be more romantic than this gentle kiss that changes nothing against this aching hole of violence and betrayal between them, but exists anyway, just because Buffy felt it needed to be done. It’s a silent moment that nobody but Buffy and us are privy to. Neither Faith nor the rest of the world will ever know it happened, but I know I for one will never forget.

#btvs #buffy summers #faith lehane #graduation day #fuffy #s3 #meta

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LUNATIC PARADE ;; Shuu Route ー Chapter 4

Monologue

Afterwardsーー

We were genuinely gifted,

many props to decorate the party venue,

by Aji-san,

who had been deeply moved by the Ghost Flower.

We were also able to get information from the gondolier

on how to set up the gondola

to resemble the way it looked when Riegel-san and his wife met,

in an attempt to please him,

as much as possible.

And then...

ー The scene starts at the Rubin Canal

Yui: ( Phew...I guess we’re about halfway done with the decorations. )

Shuu-san, what do you think...?

Shuu: Looks fine to me. Not bad.

ー The gondolier runs up to them

Gondolier B: Ooh, what a surprise! These decorations are identical to those from the past. For a second, I thought I had gone back in time...

ーー Oh. Whoops, silly me.

The owner of the sweets shop came to the docks. He’s looking for you two.

Yui: Yes!

ー The scene shifts to the docks

Sweets shop owner: ーー Aah! There you are!

Yui: Good evening.

Sweets shop owner: Save those formalities for later! More importantly, take a look at this!

Here’s your order.

*Thud*

Yui: Waah! Looks delicious...!

Sweets shop owner: I think it turned out excellent, if I may say so myself. Will this do?

Yui: Of course! Thank you so much!

Sweets shop owner: Aah, I’m glad!

I should probably head back to my shop then.

Aah, so busy, so busy!

ー The sweets shop owner leaves

Shuu: ...His lack of composure is a huge flaw, but I can’t deny his skill.

Yui: ( I’m sure Riegel-san will be pleased with this as well, right? )

ーー Well then, we should probably make a quick stop at the hotel then. We have to get ready as well.

ー The scene shifts to the main street

Yui: ( Okay, everything is going smoothly so far...! )

( Ah...But there’s one more thing to do before we return to the hotel... )

Shuu-san. Is there a shop where we could borrow some clothes around here?

It’s a party, so I figured I should probably prepare a dress.

Shuu: ...Hmm.

This way then.

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the hotel room

Yui: ( I guess most of the preparations are done... )

Shuu: The Familiars will arrange a picture of Riegel-san’s wife to put inside the pendant.

They should bring it to us before the party starts.

Yui: Thank you very much.

I guess we should start getting ready too then.

You can go ahead and take a bath first. I’ll go through the list one more time to confirm we’ve got everything.

Shuu: Nn...

ー Shuu leaves for the bathroom

Yui: ( Okay... )

*TIMESKIP*

Yui: ( ...Yeah. There’s nothing we overlooked. )

( Now we just have to wait for the party to start. )

( I hope Riegel-san will like it... )

*Flap flap flap*

Yui: Ah...

( It’s one of Shuu-san’s Familiars. They’re holding the photograph... )

*Flap flap flap*

Yui: Thanks!

*Flip*

Yui: ( So this is Riegel-san’s wife. What a beautiful person with such a lovely smile. )

( That’s a younger Riegel-san standing next to her, right? )

( The two of them really did look happy together. )

( That’s why...I feel sad thinking about how much emotional pain Riegel-san has to go through right now... )

( We have to make this party a success at all costs! )

ー Shuu enters the room

Shuu: Hm...Oh? The Familiar’s back already?

Yui: Yes. They brought this pictuーー

Wah!?

S-Shuu-san, your clothes...

Shuu: I just got out of the bath so what did you expect?

Yui: A-Anyway, hurry up and put something on!

Shuu: Good grief, what are you so flustered about still...?

ー Shuu walks towards the wardrobe

Yui: ( That shocked me...! )

*TIMESKIP*

Yui: This is Riegel-san’s wife.

Shuu: Hm...

Yui: I...Seeing them standing next to each other, I thought to myself once more.

I want to make this party a success. I want to lessen his pain even just a little...

I want to do anything within my power.

Shuu: ...Anything, huh?

But haven’t you forgotten how we ended up in this situation in the first place?

It’s not like we were trying to help Riegel from the very beginning.

We approached him in hopes of getting information on the Count and find a way to retrieve your heart.

Yui: That’s...true but...

Even so, I can’t just leave him in the cold...!

Shuu: ...Why not?

ー He steps closer

Yui: ( Shuu-san...? )

Shuu: You’re awfully persistent about helping him out.

Did you fall for him or something?

Yui: ...!? T-That’s not it!

Shuu: I wonder? Then who is it you like?

Yui: W-Well...

ーー You, Shuu-san. You’re the only one I love.

Shuu: Heeh...

Yui: ( Uu, this is kind of embarrassing... )

A-And you...? Who do you like?

Shuu: Go ahead and think about that question a bit. If Iーー

*Thud*

Shuu: Pin you down on the bed like this, I guess the answer should become a little clear?

ーー Nn.

*Smooch*

Yui: Ah...!

Shuu: Once the party starts, you’ll take on the appearance of Riegel’s wife for a while, right?

So keep still and let me have my fun nowーー

Yui: ( ...Shuu-san... )

Monologue

And then,

it was finally time for the party to start.

Together with Shuu-san,

the two of us once again,

headed towards the candy house where Riegel-san lives.

Before knocking on the door,

I put the picture of Riegel-san’s wife,

inside the pendant hanging from my neck.

And voila ーー

Yui: ( ...This feels kind of odd. Like I’m no longer myself. )

Um...How do I look?

Shuu: On the outside, you’re a split image of the woman in the picture. But...

Yui: ( ...? I wonder what’s wrong? )

Shuu: Your little quirks when you’re lost in thought are still the same as usual. You haven’t changed on the inside.

Well then, guess we should get going soon.

Yui: Y-Yes!

*TIMESKIP*

ー The scene shifts to the candy house

Shuu: Riegel should be even more wary now of potential humans trying to visit him.

So it’d probably be best if I greet him first.

Yui: I’m counting on you.

Shuu: Yeah...

*Knock knock*

Shuu: Riegel. It’s me.

*Knock knock*

Shuu: I’ve decided to hold a party for you today.

Riegel: ...A party?

Shuu: Yeah, exactly. A party.

Riegel: I’m not taking part in such a thing. Just do as you please without me.

Shuu: ...I don’t mind either way, really.

But there’s a little guest for you.

I’m sure it’s someone you’d kill forーー

*Thud*

Riegel: Aah! Could it be!?

Yui: ( Riegel-san... )

*Rustle*

Yui: ( Wah! H-He embraced me... )

Riegel: Marian! Aah, Marian!!

Shuu: ...

Yui: ( Shuu-san walked away... )

Riegel: I missed you...! I’ve wanted to see you again so badly, Marian! This whole time, ever since that day... 

Yui: W-Wait. I’mーー

Riegel: You finally returned to my side, didn’t you? Aah, I’m so glad...

Yui: ( He totally thinks...I’m his actual wife, doesn’t he? )

ー The scene fades to black

Yui: ( But I’m not. )

( ...Shuu-san knew this would happen, hence why he was so reluctant to using the pendant... )

( Yet, I... )

...Ugh.

ー The scene shifts to the Rubin Canal

Shuu: ...

Yui: ( Shuu-san’s napping in the corner, huh...? )

Riegel: ...Aah...Well if it isn’t the place where we first met!

If I recall correctly...I fell for you at first sight.

Meanwhile you were rather frightened of me at first.

However...After our feelings became mutual, you let me in on your secret, didn’t you?

That back then, it was love at first sight for you as well.

You remember, don’t you? There’s no way you could ever forget.

Yui: ...

Riegel: Fufu...Aah, anyway, this food is amazing.

This cake in particular...It’s delicious.

You should give it a try as well.

Yui: Eh? Sure...

( What should I do? I have to tell him the truth... )

Riegel: What’s wrong? Do you feel sick?

Yui: No...It’s...

There’s something I have to tell you.

I’m sorry. I...I’m not the real Marian.

Riegel: ...

Yui: This pendant around my neck holds a mysterious power, and that’s how...

Riegel: ...

Yui: I’m sorry...

Shuu: ...Good grief...

ー Shuu walks up to them

Yui: ( Shuu-san... )

Riegel: ...

...I don’t mind.

Yui: Eh?

Riegel: I don’t sweat the details.

I knew from the very start. That you were just a fake.

The dead won’t come back to life. I know that much.

...That’s exactly why.

Because I know that death is permanent...

I want to at least...Hold onto you while you look just like my wife.

Forever!

ー Riegel grabs hold of Yui

Yui: Kyaah!

Shuu: Wha...!?

ー The scene shifts to Aizen Alley

Riegel: Haah, haah, haah...!

Yui: R-Riegel-san! Please, let go of my hand...

Riegel: No! If I do that, you’ll leave me! I’m sick and tired of being all alone...!

Yui: ( What on earth should Iーー )

*Woosh*

Yui: Ah...!

( I-I can’t breathe...!? )

*Woosh*

Riegel: O-Oi! What’s wrong!?

*Woosh*

Yui: ( My heart...The Kleinod...It’s at its limit already... )

Shuu: Oi!

ー Shuu runs up to them

Yui: ( Shuu-san... )

Shuu: ...Finally found you. Enough of this vain struggle.

Let go of her.

Riegel: I won’t. I’m not letting go of Marian!

Shuu: Then I’ll force you. She’s mine.

Besides...Her heart won’t last much longer.

I don’t have the time to play along with your elopement act right now.

You know better than anyone how much it hurts to lose the woman you love, don’t you!?

Riegel: ...

Iーー

*Woosh*

Yui: Aah...!

Shuu: Yui!

Riegel: ...Ugh!

Yui: ( I...can’t...no more... )

Monologue

As my eyelids gradually grow heavier,

my body somehow becomes light.

It feels as if I am floating mid-air

Seeping through the darkness,

a light shines upon me.

Somebody is standing at the other side.

I can’t see their face because of the reflection,

but the person I treasure more than anyone,

is holding out their hand towards me.

I want toーー grab hold of it.

I can’t stand being separated,

not even for a single second.

While writhing around in the darkness,

I continued to extend my hand straight forward.

And then...

ー Yui wakes up inside of Riegel’s house

Yui: ( ...Where am I...? )

Shuu: You’re awake...?

Yui: Shuu-san...

Shuu: ...Don’t make me worry too much.

Yui: I’m sorry...

Um...What happened to me afterwards...?

Shuu: Youーー

ー A flashback ensues

Shuu: Hang in there!

Yui: ...

Shuu: Oi, Riegel.

Riegel: W-What...What should I do...!?

Shuu: Riegel! Calm down.

Can you tell me everything you know about this Count?

I’m begging you.

Riegel: Shuu...

...I’m sorry...It’s true that the two of us were close in the past.

But I’m afraid I don’t know much more than that his manor’s security is impregnable.

He would never talk about himself after all...

Shuu: ...Ugh.

Riegel: I’m sorry...I truly am...

Shuu: ...Fuck...I...

Yui: ...Uu...

Shuu: ...!

It’s too early to give up just yet. The Kleinod is still moving!

ー The flashback ends

Shuu: ーー Then we carried you here afterwards. Your condition gradually became more stable after all.

Yui: So that happened...

*Thud*

Riegel: ...

Yui: Riegel-san...

Riegel: ...My bad.

This happened because I lost sight of myself...

Yui: No. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.

Riegel: Oh no...I felt so happy I was able to see Marian again, even for just a split second. From the bottom of my heart...

That’s why I didn’t want to let go of her.

But...Then I realized that was wrong of me.

Because Marian would never approve of hurting someone else like that.

I’m sure she’s scolding me right now in the afterlife.

Besides...

Even if she’s not next to me, she remains within my heart forever. I finally realized that.

Yui: Riegel-san...

Riegel: I’ll help you two out to retrieve your heart.

???: That won’t be necessary.

Shuu: ...!?

Yui: This voice...It can’t be...

Riegel: Walter!

Count Walter: Hello there! It has been a while, hasn’t it? Riegel. And...You as well, young lady.

Yui: Y-You’re...Count Walter!?

Count Walter: The one and only.

Shuu: ...So? Now this is quite the nifty show you’ve put together, approaching us yourself like this.

Not that I care. I guess this saves us a lot of trouble.

I’ll make sure you return her heart at once.

Count Walter: ーー Of course. That is what I came here for after all.

Yui: W-What do you mean?

Count Walter: Fufufu...

ーー You see. I have been watching you to observe your behavior after you lost your heart.

To test whether or not you two are fit to hold onto one of the treasures of this world...That is.

Yui: ( I-I see... )

Count Walter: And the answer became clear just now.

You chose not to abandon this man who had been stricken with grief, but instead tried to bring the light back in his life.

Wonderful!

Thereforeーー

*Ba-dump*

Yui: Ah...!?

*Ba-dump ・ ba-dump*

Shuu: Yui!

Yui: Shuu...san...

( ...Huh...? )

( My body feels light. And warm...? )

Shuu: Are you okay!? Hang in there!

Yui: Ah...I-I’m fine.

If anything...It seems like I’ve got my heart back!

Shuu: ....What on earth...? 

Walter: Fufu...

Well then. I will excuse myself now.

ーー Thank you for the great show.

ー The Count disappears

Monologue

Leaving said words behind,

Count Walter vanished into thin air.

Looking off to the side,

I locked eyes with Shuu-san,

as we somehow both forced a smile.

As for Riegel-san,

he seemed to have completely,

regained his sanity.

After he told us that the least we could do,

was enjoy the remainder of the Parade,

Shuu-san and I,

left the candy house behind us.

ー The scene shifts to Saint Nore Park’s venue

Yui: ( Seems like the Parade hasn’t ended yet! )

( A bunch of things happened, but I’m glad we made it in time... )

Shuu: ...

Yui: ( ...Oh. Maybe I’m the only one getting excited now. I’m sure Shuu-san must be exhausted. )

Um...

Shuu: Nn?

Yui: We’ve been running all over the place, so shall we call it a day and head home?

We can always come to the Parade next yeーー

Yui: ...?

Shuu: Let’s go.

Yui: Eh...?

Shuu: Let’s go to the Parade.

Yui: Are you sure...?

Shuu: What are you saying when you’ve got ‘I want to go!’ written all over your face?

Yui: T-That’s...I would like to go, but...

I’m sure you’re tired, so I want you to be able to get some rest soon...

Shuu: ...Well, I’m pretty much always lacking energy.

I don’t mind making an effort at a time like this.

Yui: ...

Shuu: ...What?

Selection

→ Nothing

Yui: Nothing. Fufu...

Shuu: Look at you talk when you’ve got that grin on your face. Heh...

Yui: ( I’m just so happy, I can’t help it... )

→ Thank him with a kiss (☾)

Yui: Um...Shuu-san?

Shuu: Yeーー

*Smooch*

Shuu: Wha...!?

Yui: You know...To show my gratitude.

( I did it on the spur of the moment, but I’m kind of embarrassed now... )

Shuu: You...Honestly...

Nn...

*Smooch*

Yui: ( ...! This time he kissed me... )

Shuu: ーー Come on. Let’s go to the Parade before I change my mind.

ー Shuu walks away

Yui: Ah, w-wait!

( I’m happy he’s so kind to me... )

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

← RETURN TO CHAPTER 3

→ PROCEED TO NORMAL ENDING

→ PROCEED TO FINALE ENDING

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #shuu sakamaki #lunatic parade #diabolik lovers translation #lpshuuchapter4

[kaypeace21]

Lets talk about how these spotify songs confirm byler’s endgame.

Will’s songs

Don’t you forget about me: illustrates Will’s feelings after Mike says they won’t be together for the rest of their lives (but have to get gfs). Love’s “strange” (stranger things). And Will fears change will pull them apart- and as it rains he hopes Mike won’t forget about him/ and questions if Mike will ‘ever love him’. And Mike in the rain (instead of “walking on by?”) calls his name.

“Tell me your troubles and doubts.Giving me everything inside and out and Love’s strange so real in the dark. Think of the tender things that we were working on…Slow change may pull us apart.Don’t you, forget about me.Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t.Don’t you, forget about me.Will you stand above me?Look my way, never love me?Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling.Down, down, down.Will you recognize me?Call my name or walk on by? rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling. “

“Don’t you try and pretend. It’s my feeling we’ll win in the end.I won’t harm you or touch your defenses-Vanity and security.Don’t you forget about meI’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby .Going to take you apart.I’ll put us back together at heart, baby Don’t you, forget about me.”

( Will physically took them ‘apart’ -from the photo. But in the end it’s also Mike who fears Will will forget about him too. And Will doesn’t harm Mike by picking at his insecurities - like lack of ‘security' in their relationship. But just says the truth that it’s “not possible” to replace him (after he moves). And of course deep down they know they’ll be together in the end. )

upsidedown: Just Will saying he loves Mike and he turns Will ‘insideout” (like the previous song) and “upsidedown”. And he loves him but he’s “crazy’ (cough ‘crazy together’) to think Mike is all his. But no matter what he’ll always love Mike.

“I said, “Upside down, you’re turning me.You’re giving love instinctively.Boy, you turn me inside out .And ‘round and 'round-Upside down…Instinctively, you give to me the love that I need.I cherish the moments with you… no one makes me feel like you do…I know you got charm and appeal.You always play the field.I’m crazy to think you’re all mine.As long as the sun continues to shine.There’s a place in my heart for you, that’s the bottom line.”

here i go again: Will saying he’s “not going to fall in love” ever (like he said in s3) cause he doesn’t want to waste time on Mike. But he keeps backpedalling on the idea and desiring to love Mike for ‘the rest of his days’. Like how Will said he thought they’d never get gfs but play games for the rest of their lives.

“ (verse 3)And here I go again on my own.Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known…Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.And I’ve made up my mind.I ain’t wasting no more time . (verse 4)Just another heart in need of rescue- waiting on love’s sweet charity.I’m gonna hold on for the rest of my days'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams (verse 5) And here I go again on my own .Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known.Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone.And I’ve made up my mind I ain’t wasting no more time.BUT here I go again.Here I go again.Here I go again.Ooh baby, ooh yeah.”

Take my breath away: This excerpt speaks for itself that byler is real/endgame after Will moves/s4 and 5. XD

Mike’s songs

Will’s canon Spotify playlist. He ALSO has the song “I’m still standing” by Elton John (who is gay)? Aka cause Mike has a ‘romantic comeback’ with Will XD

I’m still standing’ is a guy bragging about a breakup and now feeling like a kid -lol Mike saying he feels like a 7 y old after the breakup . And moving on -lol it’s mileven).   The album is from “to be continued...” I MEAN, C’mon. That’s , very on the nose for s4 byler happening after mileven XD

‘Your blood, like winter, freezes just like ice” (when El broke up with Mike , “cold as ice” played).”I got a taste of love in a simple way.And if you need to know why I’m still standing.You just fade away.Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did?Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid.And I’m still standing after all this time.Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.”

‘Baby I lied’, also reminds me of the byler fight where Mike insults Will/talks about El and then says to Will “ But, we’re not kids anymore. I mean, what did you think, REALLY?  That we’d never get girlfriends? Sit in my basement and play games for the rest of our lives?” Causing Will to storm off crying- thinking Mike doesn’t even imagine Will being there for the rest of his life (in favor of a girlfriend).And then Mike (although already knowing of his feelings for Will) realizing that it wasn’t a temporary crush/phase- but that he was in love with Will. And only realizing he can’t live without him when Will left. Making it sink it to Mike that he was lying to Will during their fight.

“Did I say that I’d be okay if you said good-bye? And did I promise you I could take it if we were through? And forget about these feelings inside? Baby I lied when I told you I could walk away .Baby I lied…And did I ever tell myself I could always find someone else? Did I say if you left today it’d be no surprise? Did I ever leave any doubt I could hold up if you walked out? I know I told you that I could survive. Baby I lied…And now that I can see you walking out of my life . Saying good-bye, I realize….”

also ‘Love is a battlefield’ (could be recontextualized/interpreted through a que*r lens  given the time period-typical hom*phobia) . Love would be considered a ‘battlefield’. ( The song could be. about 2 people refusing to state their feelings/ holding back from doing anything romantic. Despite both people in the song secretly knowing the other secretly reciprocates mutual romantic feelings)  . But they fear pursuing anything cause society says their love would be ‘wrong’. It also reminds me of s3 byler fight . Both ‘standing’ secretly in ‘heartache’. One character in the song(Mike) being mean to the singer who’s angry and wants to go home (Will). Then after that (Mike/song character) begs the singer (Will) to stay but then is mean to the singer again . So in response (Will/singer) gets annoyed and then asks ‘am I in your way? or am I the ‘best thing’ you have?(s2 byler ref). And the singer could internally question if they made a move on the Mike (/song character) would they be rejected? And like that singer ,Will, also throws Mike’s words in his face by saying he actually did think they’d be together for the rest of their lives without girlfriends (cause he may suspects Mike is full of shit?). The singer pretty much says-when it becomes impossible to ignore your romantic feelings for me - you’ll realize you’ll need me ! The song also emphasizes they’re “young” (kids) and Will/the singer  questions if their love will get  “old” , but quickly decides their love can’t get ‘old’ or die (despite Mike’s lies stating the contrary) * Also saying “no promises” could be a ref to show it’s the opposite of mileven who have the promise line.*Seems like the song is from Will’s pov. 

“We are young.(Heartache to heartache) We stand. No promises(No demands)…We are strong. No one can tell us we’re wrong. Searching our hearts for so long. Both of us knowing, love is a battlefield. You’re begging me to go. Then making me stay. Why do you hurt me so bad? It would help me to know : Do I stand in your way?Or am I the ‘best thing’ you have?When I’m losing control.Will you turn me away? And when all this gets old,will it still feel the same?There’s no way this will die. But if we get much closer.I could lose control.And if your heart surrenders-you’ll need me to hold.”

‘Kiss off’ could also be seen through a queer lens aka Mike trying to deny he’s gay but realizing at the end of s3 it’s not a phase. And hopefully learning to accept it in s4.

“I need someone, a person to talk to. Someone who’d care to love. Could it be you?could it be you?Situation gets rough. Then I start to panic. It’s not enough!it’s just a habit! Hey, kid your sick. Well, darling this is it! You can all just kiss off into the air!Behind my back I can see them stare.They’ll hurt me bad . But I won’t mind. They’ll hurt me bad, they do it all the time.” 

El’s songs

 The power of Love is the 1st song that shows El desire to learn about love despite it scaring her and not really understanding her relationship with Mike. (it’s a very heteronormative idea- “I’m your man /i’m your women” so we’ll fall in love). It also shows her more questionable behavior like spying on Mike. (The later songs illustrate mileven falling apart.)

“Even though there may be times it seems I'm far away. Never wonder where I am'.Cause I am always by your side.'Cause I am your lady.And you are my man...We're heading for something.Somewhere I've never been.Sometimes I am frightened.But I'm ready to learn of the Power Of Love.”

  (The second song)Another one bites the dust is about a dysfunctional romantic relationship.

Girls just want to have fun illustrates El’s annoyance with both Hopper controlling her, and Mike (like Hopper trying to control her) and keep her away from the outside world. And just preferring hanging out with Max and not having a romantic relationship.

“ (verse 2)My father yells, "What you gonna do with your life?".Oh daddy dear, you know you're still number one.But girls, they wanna have fun... (verse 4) Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world.I want to be the one to walks in the sun.Oh girls, they wanna have fun.Oh girls just wanna have.That's all they really want. Some fun.”

Don’t tell me lies - (El in s4) saying they’re whole relationship is a lie and she was ‘naive’ to think otherwise.But now she knows her Mike will be with someone else and their relationship was always based on a lie. And she’s ok on her own. “Every move you made before was never meant for real.Over my naivety is this how I should feel?...they'll never ever be another one.Don't tell me lies.Don't tell me lies.Looking back I realize it's always been this way.We must note what has gone and never turn away...Broken loose from indecision.Now I'm alright on my own...I guess I'm alright on my own.”

 I feel like i’ve talked the lying aspect to death but it’s an important element to their relationship.

Mike while apologizing to El at the grocery store never apologizes for lying -despite it being the cause of the breakup . He never apologized for lying cause the love is the lie- like Max said “boyfriends lie ALL THE TIME”. And it’s why the camera panned to Will when Lucas asked why Mike lied to her. And he never answers El’s question of ‘why do you lie?!’ (he just looks up silent and guilt ridden).  In s2, Mike says “i never gave up on you (to El). “ When moments earlier he says to Max “it took her just like it took Bob.” HE’S LYING AGAIN . He thought she was d*ad.Plus he also fought with Hopper in s2 (’about El’) in Will’s room too. He wasn’t actually calling Hopper the liar he was calling himself “a stupid disgusting liar”out of self hate . That scene was foreshadowing his lying to El in s3 (about his feelings for her). He blamed Hopper for his feelings for Will cause he told himself it wouldn’t have escalated if El had been around to ‘fix him’ . “I BLAME YOU! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OK! NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OK. YOU STUPID DISGUSTING liar, liar, liar, liar”.starts crying.

In s3, mike (in Will’s room) did not reciprocate El’s kiss/ or say ‘i love you ‘ back  and had his eyes open while the same exact song plays that robin came out to: called ‘the first i love you’. These are the only times the song plays in s3. The ‘first i love you’ also sounds like ‘the first lie’ - that song played when jancy said they were just friends. it sounds the same cause jancy lied about it not being romantic while mileven lied by saying it was.  

Ugh- why are the tags not working? I guess , please, reblog if the tags continue to act up or else no one will see this.XD

#byler #mike wheeler #will byers #el hopper #byeler

[snailsnfriends]

It has been a few months, six to be exact, but I wanted to revisit Tommy when he was locked in the prison.

A lot has happened since then, and I think the reminder of this would be nice since these moments affected Tommy so deeply, and watching streams over again can be time-consuming.

This analysis and summary will be split into three parts. The first three parts will be an analysis and summary of Tommy’s time in the prison, from pre-entrance to revival. From here on out, I will be discussing the characters on the SMP unless stated otherwise. Dialogue is color-coded: Tommy, Dream. So, let’s begin!

Stream: Tommy Gets Locked In Prison with Dream

The stream opens up with Tommy telling us, the audience, that this will be our last time visiting Dream. He wants to visit Dream one last time in order to gain closure. Tommy acknowledges that he has been, in his own words, “tortured” and “tormented” by Dream. Though Dream is locked up, Tommy is still anxious.

“Why am I still feeling like this? Why am I still feeling, you know, fuckin, miserable, I suppose. I’ve got my hotel, I’ve got my buis- I still feel kinda- a little bit low. A little bit empty. I think, I think it’s because I haven’t shut the book. He’s still in my life, you know.”

All of this confirms the fact that Tommy has yet to heal from Dream’s abuse. He is aware that he is safe and has everything he’s wanted, yet still feels unhappy. This also confirms that Tommy wants to heal and move on. He is making the conscious decision to do so.

“I wanna start living my life, because I haven’t lived my life since the start of this SMP! … it’s just been war after war, death after death, friend dead after friend! Death, you know? It’s been, dare I say, it’s been fuckin morbid! But um, he’s been the reason.”

This is further confirmation of Tommy’s thought process. He is aware that his life has always been busy in some way, and that conflict has always boiled down to him and Dream. It is important to note that he does not blame anyone else for his troubles except Dream. He does not blame Wilbur for L’manberg’s destruction, Philza for Wilbur’s death, or Technoblade for Tubbo’s death. For Tommy, it has always been him and Dream no matter what.

As Tommy goes over the required questions with Sam, he says that Dream does deserve to be in prison, but does not deserve to die. When Sam asks what Tommy’s prior relationship with the prisoner was like, Tommy immediately yells, calling Dream a wrongen. However, his demeanor changes quickly. He says that they manipulated one another, and that Dream manipulated him. This is interesting because Tommy is aware that Dream hurt him, but he does not exactly know how he fits into it. Tommy has not manipulated Dream. Tommy does not and did not have the power to do that. Tommy has a hard time understanding his relationship with Dream, which is something we will continue to see as the stream progresses.

While Tommy puts his items in the locker, he apologizes for his nervousness and asks if it’s obvious. This is also something Tommy does frequently; he apologizes for his emotions regardless of the situation. Tommy has good reason to be nervous, and Sam even asks if Tommy really wants to visit Dream. Sam is not annoyed by Tommy, so he has no real reason to apologize. Tommy has a hard time letting his guard down around people he likes and feels the need to apologize for his emotions.

As Sam and Tommy make their way through the prison, Tommy thanks Sam for doing his job and looking out for him. After being genuine with Sam, Tommy is frustrated when he doesn’t respond, despite being aware of the fact that Sam puts on a face while doing his job. Tommy does not like being ignored, but quickly moves on to once again explain that he does not want to visit the prison again after this. He specifically notes that blackstone is triggering to him, which is another thing to add to his already long trigger list. He also asks Sam to promise that Dream will be locked up forever. Once Sam confirms this, Tommy calms down. He says he would have no reason to visit Dream again unless one of his friends died. As Tommy blabbers on and on, Sam does a good job of being directional toward Tommy, telling him exactly what he needs to do. This is a good thing because it gives Tommy a specific task to complete, and does not give him time to panic. As Tommy waits for the lava to lower, he says this,

“I wanna make sure I always like who I am, and, you know, around this guy, I don’t think I do. I don’t think I like who I am around Dream. Let’s close the book.”

This is very important because it helps establish Tommy’s relationship with Dream for the audience. Tommy very clearly does not like Dream and does not like the kind of person he is while around him (hurt, afraid, confused, quick to anger). Dream, on the other hand, does not feel this way. He wants to be around Tommy. He wants to hurt Tommy. Dream sees this as fun, while Tommy does not. This is something we will also continue to see as the stream goes on.

This is minor, but I think it’s important to note, as it’s part of how cc!Tommy plays his character: As Tommy and Dream greet one another, Dream says that he lost his clock. Tommy jokes that if you remove the “L” a new word is created, and Tommy smiles. In response, Dream says, “That’s the Tommy I know.” Tommy’s face immediately drops after Dream says this; this feeds into Tommy’s dislike for himself around Dream.

Dream attempts to make conversation, saying that he wishes Tommy would visit more, but Tommy ignores this to explain that this is his last time visiting Dream. Dream tries to make Tommy second guess himself by saying that forever is a “long time.” Tommy pauses before speaking again. Something important to be aware of is that Tommy is very susceptible to Dream’s manipulation, especially now. In this situation. There is no escape. It is just him, Dream, and the lava. There is no one to break up any disagreement they have. There is no one here to stop Dream. And because Tommy is so anxious, he is an easy target. Tommy does try to combat this by being direct with Dream. He refuses to answer Dream outright as of now, and instead just tries to get his point across.

At this point in the stream, it crashes, but right before, Tommy explains to Dream that if there is anything he wants to say, he has to say it now, because Tommy won’t be coming back. Dream responds to this with a confused “why?” Dream cannot think of even a single reason why Tommy would never want to see him again, which plays into the fact that Dream believes that his relationship with Tommy is fun. It also shows that Dream thinks this relationship is mutual; Dream believes that Tommy feels the same way about him, which is not true.

After fixing some stream problems, Dream talks about possibly getting out one day. Tommy immediately denies this and stops Dream from talking about it any further. Here, Tommy is trying to keep some sort of power in the situation. He is trying to keep an even temper, but this doesn’t last very long once Tommy brings up exile.

“What you’re doing now, this is like exile. Do you remember that? Do you remember ex- I don’t know how much you remember with all these tears n shit, this is, this is like exile, man. I don’t- I don’t wanna know you-” “I mean, exile, it wasn’t, it wasn’t too bad, right? I mean, you still, you had, you know, like, we hung out and stuff.” “I fu- You fu- You fuck- You bastard, Dream! You threw my shit into a hole! I can’t go near plains biomes now without getting a little trembly in the fingers! You- Yeah no, it was fucked, you’re fucked!”

Here, Tommy is aware that he is not in power. He knows that he lacks control in this situation, especially because he is emotional. Comparing this to exile shows that this is what Tommy bases his opinions of Dream on, and this is where most of Tommy’s fears come from. This also shows that Dream has no sense of the severity of exile, despite the fact that he carried out the abuse. Dream describes it as them just hanging out, which, again, shows that Dream thinks his relationship with Tommy is fun. He does not think that what he did was abuse, despite Tommy’s clear indication that it was. He doesn’t think that it was too bad despite the fact that he cannot come up with any reason why it wasn’t bad. He does not complete his sentences because he cannot think of anything good. In order to gain the upper hand again, Tommy asks about the books he wanted Dream to write last time, but we quickly move on from that to this:

“Listen, when I’m around you, my brain feels like I’m conditioned to be your friend, but also when I have a knife, I wanna just plunge it into your heart, and it’s like I don’t- you don’t make me a good person.”

This, again, shows Tommy’s conflicting feelings toward Dream. Tommy is very aware that he doesn’t like Dream and is not the person he wants to be while around Dream. However, he still feels inclined to be his friend. Tommy is aware that he is being manipulated, as shown by the word “conditioned” here; he knows that he does not actually want to be Dream’s friend. Tommy just does not know how to make this feeling stop. What Tommy does know is that Dream has ruined everything for him, and he does not want to see Dream ever again. Tommy goes on about how Dream is horrible, specifically calling him out for almost killing Tubbo. In response, we get this:

“I did bad things but- Everybody thinks they’re right from their perspective-” “That’s not true.” “Wow. I mean, I think I’m right. I did bad things, but I did them for good reasons but-" “What do you mean ‘good reasons’ you’re a psychopath-” "but I’ve learned. I did bad things. And I’ve learned that I shouldn’t have done them." “What good reasons? No, please, enlighten us, please, enlighten me-” "I just wanted to bring the server together, have it be a happy family, you know?”

And this, my friends, is a lovely example of Dream’s mindset and ability to manipulate. Dream repeats that he has learned from what he’s done, but that is not true. He tries more than once to excuse his actions by saying that everyone is right from their own perspective and that he was doing bad things for good reason. He does this in an effort to make Tommy think he’s not that bad and can be either let out or revisited. This also proves that he hasn’t learned at all, because if he truly did learn, he would acknowledge exactly what was wrong with his actions. He would’ve apologized to Tommy a long time ago if he really believed that what he did was wrong. Tommy immediately disagrees with Dream’s points, which, again, shows that Tommy and Dream do not have the same mindset, despite what Dream believes. I think the most important thing to take note of is the “happy family” bit, which has been dragged through hell in back in discourse posts. In order to bring the server together to create a happy family, all of the members would have to be involved, and all of them would have to be happy. Based on Dream’s actions, he doesn’t actually want this. Abusing people does not make them happy. Threatening to kill others does not make them happy. Leaving your friends behind in pursuit of your obsession does not make them happy. In Dream’s mind, a “big happy family” is one that he can do anything to without repercussions, which is something Tommy calls out. Later, he says,

“I am better than that. I am better than you. I am done here. You ruined my past, Dream, but you will not ruin my future.”

Other than this being a banger line, this basically sums up everything Tommy wanted to accomplish with this visit. Dream tries to make Tommy second guess himself by asking him to visit, and saying that Tommy visiting would help him get better. Thankfully, Tommy knows that it’s not true, and refuses. But because we can’t have good things around here, right after Tommy says goodbye, TNT starts to go off, and Tommy starts to yell for Sam and panics. Dream does not have much of a reaction to the explosions. Tommy once again tries to bid Dream farewell, saying “It has been an honor knowing you, but it will be an honor forgetting you.” but is quickly distracted by more TNT. As more TNT rains down, Tommy grabs the item frame off the wall to use as a potential weapon. Eventually, Tommy asks Dream to let him out, which signals to Dream that Tommy is in a vulnerable state. Dream capitalizes on this by saying that Tommy might be stuck with him for a while. As they argue over not knowing any better than the other, Tommy doesn’t believe that Dream doesn’t know anything about the TNT.

Eventually, Dream says that this is a good thing and that they can bond. He remarks that this is just like exile, and Tommy immediately begins to curse at and hit him. Tommy continues to hit Dream and pace all panicked, and it only gets worse when Dream says that this is the best thing that has ever happened to him in the prison. Dream tries repeatedly to give Tommy food and books, but he refuses them. Eventually, though, he eats the food. As the two argue some more, Dream says that they will have a lot of fun together. This, again, shows that Dream has a warped perception of what “fun” is, and does not see any reason for Tommy to panic. And to end it all, Tommy says, “I was about to be done.” as he realizes that there is nothing he can do.

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