thebadassfraulein

[thebadassfraulein]

....................................................................

I had a dream last night consists of multiple events but this one is what I remembered the most.

I was cleaning a tempered glass for my tablet because it was so dirty. It had a smear of black ink but the more I cleaned it, the more it became dirtier and more broken until it appears really unusable.

I guess that dream tells me that I tried keeping it together, I tried co-existing with people I've had a (bad) history with.

I thought everything was fine. I thought I'm finally co-existing with them but then a plot twist would hit me. I think I'm ignoring some steps for healing and "shadow work".

I'm already feeling so betrayed, hurt and alone.

#mental health #hurting #heartbroken #dream

[thebadassfraulein]

..Always the outsider..

From your past still affecting your mind,

to you not including me to a family function,

to as simple as you saying "my", instead of "our"...

.. they give me enough reason to feel like an outsider in your life. It's always been this way...

No matter how hard I try to love you the best way I can, I'm still excluded some way, some how.... Am I really deserving of love?

Am I deserving of anything at all? ...

#heartbroken #brokenhearted #love #relationship #depressed

[thebadassfraulein]

I thought everything will finally be fine. I thought I'm finally not going to be lonely anymore... but here comes the heartbreak again. 💔

I either get replaced by someone new or someone from the past... Is there even someone out there meant for me?

I thought I've already proven myself worthy of love. I've already seen a future with him, I've already seen what our kids would look like... but he only sees the past with someone else, the days that are no longer there.

That's all that mattered to him and I will always be the outsider in his life.

#heartbroken #heartbreak #depressed #love #sad #sadness #Spotify

[thebadassfraulein]

Limbo

I've never been myself eversince we stopped talking..

I feel like things are falling apart and ending before it could even start.

I know you wanted to take a break and I respected your decision. I tried to stay away from you. But the thought of you realizing that you're better off without me is killing me.

Even if I pretend that I could do something productive, that I could create something..

On the inside, I'm bleeding and hurting. My spirit is close to dying. That's how I've been these past few days.

Just promise me, you'll come back to me soon... but also promise me, that if you met someone new, tell me. If you realized that I'm not the one, tell me.

#heartbroken #heartbreak #broken heart #love #relationship #limbo #sad #hurting #pain #blog post #Tumblr diary #diary #depressed

[thebadassfraulein]

“The Break”

I find myself constantly scrolling, clicking on every random video I see just to distract me....

It’s what I’ve been doing these past few days: Distract myself from reality.

Ever since we stopped talking, it’s been hard living every day without looking forward to talking to you. You’ve been a part of my routine, a part of my day, a part of my life. 

We both agreed to take a break from each other, yet somehow my world has been shaken up. I’ve been depressed, anxious, and lonely. 

Now I know what it’s like to hope and wait for someone to come back; like a wife waiting for her husband to come home from the war, like a wife hoping for her husband to get better day by day while in rehab.

I know taking some time apart from each other would help the relationship, but I can’t help but think, what if you realize one day that the love we had wasn’t enough to make you stay? What if one day you wake up and forget about me, even my name? What if one day you decided that you’re better off without me? 

It sucks that your head is preoccupied by people who have hurt you in the past and couldn’t even be bothered by the people who actually love you and care for you in the present. You cared too much about the people who left you that you ended up neglecting the people who chose to stay with you...

I’m just here hoping that you’d still come back to me, so that finally we can make us work without any more baggage from the past. I know I shouldn’t be talking to you while you heal from things & people that traumatized you in the past, but I just wanted to tell you... I miss you. 

Just know, someone is still waiting for you to come back. I love you... 

#heartbroken #love #relationship #diary #dear diary #Tumblr diary #I love you #blog post #take a break #break up

[thebadassfraulein]

You show them interest, they go away.

You tell them what's bothering you, you're labelled as "needy".

You reassure them that you're not going anywhere, and they get too comfortable to the point of not making it work anymore...

... WHO TF CAME UP WITH THESE RULES?!🤦‍♀️

#love #rant #dating #online dating #relationship #heartbroken #blog post

[thebadassfraulein]

Love Frustrations

Do you know what’s frustrating? All these dating and relationship rules. “Don’t do this, they might end up doing that. Do this so that they can do this. Don’t say that, they might do this.”

Why must everything be that complicated?

Currently, I’m feeling so fucking frustrated with my own relationship. I show interest, he runs away or appear to be losing interest. I detach and there he goes chasing me and love bombing me!

When can I have a fucking relationship that is less confusing and less complicated?? Why should there always be a push and pull??? 

I’m the type to give someone reassurance because I know what it’s like to feel paranoid and anxious as to where I stand in the relationship, but because of this he gets too comfortable since he knows I’m not going anywhere. SO NOW I AM THE ONE FEELING ANXIOUS! And honestly, this makes me just want to detach until the romance is dead because I hate feeling this way. It’s SO UNFAIR!!!

Is it wrong to want quality time? I just want to feel like I’m needed, like I’m appreciated, like I matter... 

Does he even fucking love me?...

[thebadassfraulein]

Austria is a 10, but....

These past few days since I got back, I've been missing Austria like crazy. The city, the Viper Room and its gothic nights, the landmarks, the beautiful sceneries, the beautiful people, ... someone😶, etc.

But there are just some things I don't miss about that place. Here is a list:

*The bees! Everytime I'd eat outdoors, there'd be a bee chasing my food!

*The cashiers at Billa (Supermarket). It's like they've been having a bad day since birth. Like, their default facial expression is 🙄.

*Loads of walking. My blisters are still healing and my knees still hurt! 🥲💔 I feel 10x older now!

*The summer heat. For the love of me, we've already got that in the Philippines (even worst) as a default climate! I don't need to experience hot weather elsewhere! 😆

*The huge meal portions. I ate nothing but wraps or appetizers while I was in Vienna because the rice meals and main courses were good for 2 people (in my opinion atleast).

*Business establishments (attractions, restaurants, shops, etc.) and their early closing hours. Either they're open till 18:00 or 19:00. There were some that opened till 21:00 or 23:00 but MOST shops and restaurants close early.

*High mirror placements in some public WC (bathrooms). I'm 5'0" (or 4'11" idk 🤷‍♀️) 🥲 Short girls matter too!

Other than that, I'd still love to come back to Austria. I'm targeting next year from April to May. I'm going to get the maximum 90-day tourist Schengen visa because I'm also planning to visit other European countries but I'd stay most of the time in Vienna (or in another Austrian city, who knows. 😊)

#austria #vienna #österreich #wien #travel #urlaub #travel lust #fernweh #beautiful #rant #blog post

[thebadassfraulein]

Anger that doesn’t make any sense.

So 3 days ago, I just got back from a wonderful trip to Vienna and I never get to update my blog because I’ve been busy being in the moment.

I wanted to make a post-Vienna trip blog but I don’t think I can fit everything in one post, plus some things don’t even connect so I might make 2 or 3 more about my thoughts on different things I’ve observed and realized during my trip.

One of these things is something that I never thought I’d see in 2022 because I thought we’ve already come so far to know that there are just some things that people have no control over so we can’t just blame them for it.

Me and my colleagues had a connecting flight from Dubai to Vienna. It didn’t went that smoothly because they changed the boarding gate last minute so people who were boarding at the other gate (including us) rushed to this other gate so that we wouldn’t miss our flight. Then, while boarding, we noticed that the time of departure kept changing, which means that our flight was delayed. For me, it was okay. I can still wait, anyways there were restaurants and shops nearby.

Once we finally got on the plane, we thought we were about to depart any minute. We noticed that 30 minutes had gone by and the plane was still not moving. 1.5 hours gone by, we’re still at the airport.... Finally, the pilot announced that we couldn’t fly just yet because of a sandstorm. No wonder it seemed foggy outside.

I heard a lot of people sighed in frustration, some chose to slept on it (including me), and some just shrug it out and continued watching movies.

Delays can be frustrating because all you wanted to do is to check in your hotel and finally lay in a nice comfortable bed, but the thing is, the cause of the delay wasn’t even anyone’s fault. It’s a freakin’ sandstorm for crying out loud. 

What can anyone do?.... NOTHING.

While the rest of the passengers in the plane patiently waited, I can hear a few complain on themselves. The flight attendants were trying their best to make us feel comfortable during this delay. The pilot kept updating us that we have to wait for a few more hours till the storm clears out. He even mentioned to “be nice to the flight crew”. 

It wouldn’t really make sense to complain to them about something that wasn’t even their fault, right? But apparently, one passenger snapped at a flight attendant and she was trying to calm the passenger down, explaining the whole situation and why he should remain patient.

This argument doesn’t make sense at all. Would you rather die of a plane crash due to sandstorm than wait comfortably in the plane for a few hours until we take off? Just because you are frustrated, you just had to go your way and make someone (who had nothing to do with it) feel bad about it. I mean, how ridiculous is that? You can’t tell me that it’s “natural” human reaction. It’s natural to feel frustrated during this situation, yes, BUT take note, we humans are the supreme beings for a reason: We use our brains, we have a sense of right and wrong, but some people just chose to be savages and take their anger out on someone who’s innocent.

This is almost like a rant post to be honest but I will never really understand how can people not think first before releasing negativity on others. For sure, this has occurred many times in our lifetime where we act on our anger but do people forget to reflect or even regret their actions? It’s like, when I was young, I tend to be really brash with my words whenever I’m angry and every single time, I’d regret it afterwards which is why I don’t do it anymore because acting on anger means an exaggerated, unnecessary, unhelpful reaction to a situation that can be discussed &/or observed calmly. 

But then again, I have no control over people’s actions but that doesn’t mean I won’t judge them for it. It’s an unnecessary thing to be mean to people when the problem is beyond anyone’s control and let’s face it, no one wants a delay. Even the flight crew needed to rest but guess what? While you sit there and complain, they are trying their best to make you feel comfortable by offering you blankets and something to drink. Let that sink in the next time you experience a flight delay because of mother nature’s doing. 

#anger #stoicism #blog post #flight delays #flight #rant #diary #reflection

[thebadassfraulein]

This. 💯 💖

#sagittarius #zodiacsigns #zodiac #too relatable #too real #yes yes yes #astrology

[thebadassfraulein]

After work vibe

#after work #vibe #current mood #cute #cool #desk setup #work desk #love #sanctuary #cozy #cozyvibes #beabadoobee #music #chill #just chillin #Spotify

[thebadassfraulein]

And they thought I still want them, but I'm just a friend now. Don't get it twisted. 😒

#love #heartbroken #break up #movie #tv series #romance #romantic #sad #it's over #sadness #black and white

[thebadassfraulein]

#busyness #too busy #trixie mattel #setup #work desk #desk setup #tuesday #cute #cool #monitor #laptop #love #workspace #workmode #Spotify

[thebadassfraulein]

Last night, I almost lost my mom...

She almost died in my arms on the bathroom floor...

Because of what? ...

Because of some bad allergic reaction from God-only-knows-what.

Thank God she's fine now but I'm not, I'm actually traumatized from this experience and now all I can think about is

Death

Not in a suicidal sense but in a more existential sense.

In a more fearful sense.

In a more despairing sense.

I can't find the most fitting words right now to describe the thoughts I have at the moment. I can't even describe how I'm feeling at the moment. It's like I'm numb but also scared and desperate.

Last night, my mom began feeling sick after a day of curing her rashes all over her body. She rushed to the bathroom and vomitted and I held her arms. After vomitting twice, I felt her slowly coming down as if her legs were getting too weak to make her stand so I hugged her for more support as she continued to vomit. After that, I sat her on the bathroom floor. While she was resting, I was texting my cousin who's a nurse and she'd ask me questions and I'd ask my mom about them. It's a good thing I kept talking to my mom, otherwise she'd be totally unconscious. My cousin then texted me that she'll come by so we waited. After a few minutes, my mom told me: "I think I'm fine now. Let's go upstairs".

I did not believe her and followed her upstairs because had I not, I would've seen her passed out by her bathroom door. When she collapsed, it was the scariest thing ever. She was shaking as if the life in her body was being sucked out. I held her close as I shook her and called her out "Mommy!.. Mommy!!". Thankfully, she gained consciousness. She then rushed to the toilet bowl and began throwing up again. After that, she sat on the toilet bowl, lethargic and weak. I then heard the doorbell rang, it was my cousin to the rescue. When my cousin went upstairs to check on her, my mom was feeling slightly better.

I didn't cry last night. I covered my emotions either with my "stoic" exterior or with jokes but on the inside, I'm in this dark place where I'm scared. I have lost the excitement I have for future trips and plans. Where I want to be right now is beside my mom. Watch over her, take care of her... but this would also mean losing myself in the process due to fear... So I basically don't know what to do... I'm just here...

Trapped by the concept of death and the fear of losing someone.

#blog post #fear #death #traumatic #mommy #love #mental health #blog #sad #depression #traumatized #story time

[thebadassfraulein]

Online Dating sht

So I feel like I'm done with this whole internet dating bullcrap because I just find it hard to trust anyone again.

I've met 4 guys this year... Well... I met the 1st guy last December (2021) but the heartbreak transcended to 2022. But yeah, 4 guys. It's like every month this year, I keep getting my heart broken and now, I'm just really tired and I think I'm also past my online nympho phase. I just want to focus on myself and my future.

HOWEVER,...

..there's this guy I met recently in some dating app and we're still in contact to this day. He really seems to be into me... well.. a lot of the guys I met seemed very "into me", only to ghost me or lie to me later on.

He tried to flirt with me, talk to me, explore interests with me. It's like the tables have turned because that used to be me, I'm always the one initiating and carrying the conversation but I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I don't want to lead him on and send mixed signals, which is why I keep the conversation to a minimum, you know? I don't want to turn into the guys I've met before. That's not right and that's not me but omg. This is really awkward. At some point, I really need to talk to him heart-to-heart about this because I'm just not feeling him and I don't want to waste his time.

#love #blog post #tumblr diary #diary #relationship #online dating #internet love #awkward #ugh #heart to heart

[thebadassfraulein]

Convincing me to have kids is like talking to a brick wall.

Stop wasting your time. 😂

#future #goalsetting #family #kids #children #having kids #motherhood #rant #waste of time #funny #society #blog post

[thebadassfraulein]

In every horror and true crime movie, there's always a freakin back door open...

Are Americans really that crappy when it comes to home safety and security?? Like, what's the situation?? How can you NOT lock all your doors before going to bed or taking a shower, especially if you live alone??? 🤦‍♀️

I will never get this! It's so annoying! 😫

#rant #american #americans #wtffff #blog post #horrormovies #horror #thriller #suspense #documentary #i’m annoyed #pet peeve #home intruder #home invasion