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spectrum-core · 2 months

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STEPHCLAIR IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD

Alternative title: a very angry (and tired) Full Stop fan's thesis.

ok, so me being the stephan/sinclair comparison's strongest hater is a bit i really like to lean into, but for the sake of keeping things semi-serious i will try to keep the actual essay content as free of me ranting my frustrations as humanly possible (which i mean commitement to the bit aside this will be hard bc it is frustrating to see people calling them both the same character, at best it shows a very surface level understanding of either character and at worst it shows just reducing them to cookie cutter meme fandom archetypes neither character actually fits into, so bear with me if i slip up and make unserious comments from time to time)

so before i start the actual essay let me say this: this essay doesnt even scratch the surface of how much i hate this comparison you guys cant even possibly fucking imagine ive been obssessed and i mean OBSSESSED with the full stop office since 2021 and im glad i wasnt in the limbus prerelease fanbase because if i had to see people comparing my beautiful boy and beloved best friend to a guy we had no info about other than "hes based of the guy from demian" i would have turned into the joker this is not even about saving my own mental health this is about sparing the entire pjm fandom of the monster i would have turned into

spoilers for ruina and limbus, universe terminology heavy and surface level references and interpretations of demian by herman hesse because imma keep it real with you guys the first and only time i read that book i was still in high school and i barely remember shit.

Table of contents:

Stephan - a summary

Sinclair - a summary 2.1. Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919) 2.2. Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

Addressing common arguments

1.- Stephan - a summary

And of course I will start with Stephan, because I love him very much, just like Liwei he's one of my favorite pjm characters (yeah i like him more than your favorite popular character don't ask) so it's not surprising that i have A Lot to say about him, right?

And of course, I do.

As I said in the serrated duo post, a core part of my perception of the Full Stop office depends on the fact that they are poor. Mentions of money are common all across many factions in the game, yes, but the Full Stops are extremely constant about money, how taking a wrong turn means losing more than they can afford, how they can't afford to drop their weapons because they were too expensive, how even getting the permissions to be able to buy and wield these weapons was ridiculously expensive and so on. Of course, Stephan is the one talking about this the most (something I will elaborate on later), but Liwei and Tamaki also make a few ocassional mentions to it in their dialogue and keypages and considering this is a shared business it just makes sense that this is something that affects all of them.

These are just some few of the callbacks to money that Stephan alone does in his dialogue, without focusing in keypage text or what Liwei and Tamaki have to say about it.

And idk man, at least to me the difference between social classes is an important aspect for their characterization, specially because of how constant the concern with money is for Stephan. From this point alone comparing them feels like erasing a core aspect of Stephan's characterization, a lot about Stephan (and the Full Stop office as a whole, let's be real here) starts making more sense once you read the office as lower-middle class (and I'm saying lower middle class because they can afford some place to live and their weapons, but to me these guys are the types who precisely because of their need to keep bullets at all times can't pay for water or electricity all the time and sometimes they simply can't afford food or if they do they can spend a week straight eating nothing but unsalted pasta).

Now, going back to Stephan being the most outward about his complaints with money, he is in general the most outward about all problems the office is facing, to the point in which he doesn't mind inconveniencing everyone else with his rants, being one of the few guests who interrupt Angela's introductory speech and getting into Tamaki's nerves (something he's well aware he's doing, as these two know each other) at least two times through the course of their pre-battle cutscene, even Roland comments after the reception on how he wishes he would always have been as open about his problems as Stephan was.

However, it's worth nothing that he doesn't spend the entire cutscene crying about his miseries, and he only starts losing hope at three key moments: when they can't kill Eileen inmediately (making them waste more bullets than needed), when Argalia shows up (forcing them to retreat and making them fail their mission, meaning they won't get paid for this after they already lost a ton of money, as well as turning the situation into something much more dangerous than what they had signed up for) and once they enter the Library (an Urban Plague grade threat they have little to no information about, when him and Tamaki are almost out of bullets so Liwei is essentially the only fixer with some chance of putting up a fight and, you know, making it out alive).

Now, while it's true that Stephan is someone who dislikes danger, he isn't someone who isn't used to seeing gruesome events, his instinctive reaction to seeing a guy getting his head put into a meat grinder was cracking jokes and calling the concept of thought gears "a load of horseshit", which is something that falls in line with him being a somewhat experienced Fixer (sure, grade 5 isn't amazing but we can assume it's still either in the higher side of average or barely above average, and for someone specialized in firearms, which are far from the best weapon in the city, getting that high means he must have some experience and skill, right? more so considering he's been at this for 5 years at most) who has seen a fair share of horrid shit and can be unfazed by (most of) it as long as his own safety isn't on the line.

Another point is... he dislikes danger and is always wary about money and expenses, to the point in which he enjoys checking his bank account (or at least he believes so, if we go for the theory of the artbook profiles being more a mix of what the characters perceive themseves as/would describe themselves as to others, which is a theory i go by, I see him as someone who's convinced he does that for fun instead as out of desperation), but this seems to be more a generalized feeling of impending doom at everything rather than something that can be traced back to a particular traumatic event (anything can be dangerous, anything can cost him money), dude's from the backstreets after all, he's seen shit and he's used to assuming the worst. How I see Stephan, he's a guy who already expects bad things to happen but once things go wrong he starts freaking out about how this time They're Screwed For Real, but he never really tricks himself into believing "maybe things will turn out just fine this time?" or who thinks "well, we've done this before, surely we can handle it again."

This is not very related to Stephan as a character in terms of personality but I think it's still an important point to make as it is particularly related to body mods, his physical condition and his body shape.

So we can easily say that Stephan is a strong dude, at least if compared to real world standards without the fancy and insane body mods we see people in the city have access to. He carries that huge rifle around with his bare hands, something that Tamaki doesn't do and that not even Stephan himself in earlier iterations of his dessign did, and his main talent (which based of my theories is something that can be assumed as "something he's proud enough of to consider it the thing he does best") is physical labor.

Pictured, Tamaki's talksprite, carrying a rifle almost as long as she is tall with a strap supporting the weight on her shoulders, like a normal person.

Also pictured, an earlier iteration of Stephan's dessign, carrying the same rifle his current version does, but also holding it with the help of a similar strap supporting the weight on his shoulders.

And finally, Stephan's current dessign, holding that shit with his bare fucking hands in an exhibition of his brute animal strength, what the fuck is wrong with this man (affectionate)

And Stephan's artbook profile, the important part here is his speciality being physical labor, not only he's strong but he aknowledges this.

However, I made a point about the Full Stop office being poor, right? Even Roland says that "giving a whole office augmentation procedures is cheaper than keeping a decent supply of bullets in stock" (not the exact phrasing).

At least personally, I see this as Roland essentially saying "it would be cheaper (and more efficient) to get body mods for everyone in the office and buy another (cheaper) type of weaponry instead", but as things stand, the Full Stops can afford to either buy more ammunition and maintain their weapons, OR to get body mods, and since their whole deal is firearms... well, they can't really Stop investing in them, meaning they have no body mods At All and they got their grades purely out of their own physical strength.

Similarly, Stephan makes a similar point about how body augmentations are required for people to be able to run while carrying their weapons around (specifically talking about the rifles he and Tamaki use).

And... you know, the whole point is that they couldn't run carrying their weapons because they were too heavy, Argalia mocked them for that, Liwei urged them to drop their weapons, something they refused to do because of the prices.

Lastly on this point, while it's true that Ruina talksprites have a very bad case of Long Anime Legs (to the point in which how Roland's legs take about 2/3 of his height is a common joke), if we focus only on his head and torso, Stephan looks pretty Wide, and not only because he's wearing thick, fluffy and multilayered clothing, as other characters wearing similar clothing styles still look thinner than him.

This is all to say: I don't think this guy is a twink, or thin at all. He's a prime example of the strongman build to me and this is yet another hill I'm willing to die on watch project moon turn him into a beanpole once he inevitably shows up in limbus and me turning into the first real world distortion as a consequence.

Finally, Stephan is very notoriously the most informal member of the office, not only being the only one who doesn't wear any sort of formal clothing fully prioritizing comfort and practicality over looks but also completely disregarding formalities with his attitude at work (again, he interrupts Angela's introductory monologue, and again, his first two lines when being introduced are him cracking jokes), being the only member of the office to swear on screen and using several informal expressions and metaphors through both the reception dialogue and his keypage story.

And for good measure, he's a compilation of Stephan being the creature he is.

The literal introduction of the characters, also known as the moment in which Stephan became one of my favorite characters because he's Just Like Me Fr

Very normal behavior for someone who hates blood and violence and isn't used to seeing it. This man is more than capable (and willing, assuming money is involved) to murder kill.

Which, I mean, this attitude is very different from what we see from Sinclair.

2.- Sinclair, a summary

In retrospect I probably should have made this one first because I'm gonna be honest with you, Sinclair is one of the sinners I care about the least (I still like him and think he's pretty cool mind you I just don't vibe too much with most of the tropes making up the character) so what I have to say about him is less me grasping for straws and subtext because I don't care enough about him to be bothered with a super serious and in depth analysis like I did with Stephan and more things we can explicitly see about him in game and things that happen in the novel Demian.

And if I can have a small parenthesis here, people saying that one of my favorite pjm guys Ever is in any way similar to a guy who despite being pretty cool is just Not the type of character I fully vibe with... really, it gets annoying fast. Anyway back to the serious analysis now.

2.1- Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919)

To be able to understand Sinclair as he is depicted in Limbus Company, it is important to first be familiar with the source material of the original iteration of the character, that's it we're doing your high school homework by compiling several literary analysis of a symbolic psychological early 20th century autobiographical novel i hope you guys signed up for this (and if you didn't, though luck! i will do this anyway, I love literary analysis).

In the novel, young Emil finds himself torn between the worlds of light (which can be equated to the Garden of Eden, but it's more tangible meaning for our protagonist is his childhood home and family, a serene and well structure/organized space where he can be innocent, untainted by the evils of the outside world) and darkness (basically all the scary shit that goes on outside, where people do evil things for the sake of it), he finds himself tempted by the violence of the outside world, particularly through the actions of his classmate Franz Kromer, which eventually leads him to consider that due to being exposed to this tainted world of evil he no longer can return to the world of good and innocence.

Here, the character of Demian acts as a guide, someone who helps Sinclair to trascend this binary perception of good vs evil and to see himself as someone worthy of happiness because him witnessing the world of evil didn't taint him as a person but rather merely showed him another face of the world, Demian here mentions the Mark of Cain as a symbol of mental strenght and freedom, considering that bearers of this mark are capable of making their own choices and should be able to go beyond their assigned roles, being able to embody aspects of both worlds. This is to say that Demian's view is less focused on good vs evil, instead taking a more order vs chaos approach (without giving an explicit moral character to either).

In the book, the symbol of a bird breaking out of the egg is frequently used to represent Emil's personal growth, the egg represents safety and innocence, but a bird must eventually leave the egg or it will die, and getting out of the egg is a process than can be seen as violent, as a bird must fight to get out of the egg, and getting out of the egg represents birth but also an irreversible change, it can be seen as breaking out of the world of light and getting permanently in the world of darkness since a broken shell can't be fixed, but it can also mean achieving the enlightment and personal balance to not feel permanently bound to a condition, place or state of being and therefore growing as a person by learning to see himself as a whole human instead of supressing his "evil side" by only forcing the "good side" to surface.

Max Demian is here to show this second meaning of growth/self improvement (while also explaining that Sinclair is permamently growing and must always keep this balance between all the parts conforming the whole being that is himself rather that trying to make parts of himself antagonize each other). This idea of personal growth being one of the core themes of the book.

2.2- Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

With Sinclair's source media analyzed (at a very surface level, mind you), we now can start talking about the depiction of Sinclair in Limbus Company, how it parallels the book, why the book symbolism is important for this instance of Sinclair and so on.

When we are first introduced to Sinclair in the game he's clearly nervous, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do as he hasn't worked for a similar company before and he isn't used to the gruesome sight of the bus eating people, this does fit inmediately in the motif of a naive person with limited experience about the world (well, to be fair to him most people won't be seeing man-eating buses at a regular basis, but the average backstreets dweller would be familiar with equally violent situations).

With this said, despite Sinclair's obviously nervous behavior... he isn't really a pessimist like Stephan was, in fact, almost every chapter (counting cantos, intervallos and the short mini chapters such as the Dante's notes update episode) have at least one key moment with him trying to rationalize horrible stuff as something much less violent, or simply going "but I thought this thing didn't work like this..." when confronted with the more horrible realities in the city. He thought the G corp veterans were really going to let them pass without a fight, he thought the people being controlled by headhens were just actors wearing mascot costumes, he thought mermaids were the beautiful half-woman half-fish creatures he heard about in fairy tales, and there's more examples but I don't really feel like looking for The Entire Fucking Plot Because This Guy Is An Actual Protagonist Instead Of A Background Guy Like Stephan Was to make my point clearer than it already is. And it's only when he realizes that the real world doesn't fit his expectations that he panics.

Well, there is one exception to this pattern: his own canto. Here, he panics inmediately as soon as K corp's nest is mentioned and spends the first half of the chapter pleading to turn back while saying that they are going to get killed. So what is different here with the rest of the plot?

Obviously, the fact that is related to his very own very personal very specific trauma. That is to say, unlike Stephan who is wary of anything that can put him on danger or cost him more money than it should, Sinclair has a very specific traumatic event that makes him act Like That (sure, he gets scared and nervous outside that, but these are more normal "I'm unfamiliar with this and I don't fully know how to react, this is normal behavior in a human being" reactions than outright "I am Actually Terrified due to being reminded of an actual traumatic event, this reaction is a textbook definition of post-traumatic stress disorder").

HOWEVER, Sinclair being someone who's deeply traumatized and kind of a scaredy cat when it comes to violence and unfamiliar situations... it doesn't mean that he's incompetent or a bad fighter. Almost all of his identities are terrifyingly good fighters (at least in their lore), Los Mariachis fear jefe Sinclair, Cinq director Sinclair is someone most association members are terrified to duel even during training, Blade Lineage Sinclair is considered a talented killer (it's also worth noting that save maybe for the mariachi one, in none of these mirror worlds Sinclair is precisely happy of being recognized as "the guy who's very scary when he fights people", unlike Stephan who I don't think he particularly likes killing but has a more "as long as I get paid..." mentality about it), the only "not very good at this" Sinclair id I can think of is the molar boatworks id where he's more a mechanic than a fighter so he fears he's lagging behind in that aspect. Hell, even the Canon Timeline so to speak (which is to say: his base identity) has him carrying that huge halberd, going on a frenzy attacking some already mutilated inquisitor's corpse, piercing through Guido's armor and dealing a fatal blow that finally killed him for real. To compare, Stephan is good at physical work, but we don't know about his close combat capacities other than the fact that he dislikes it, for Sinclair however we know he's terrifyingly good at physical combat.

Now, I've seen a lot of people call Sinclair a twink and while it's one of these words that nobody agrees on what it means, let's give it the benefit of doubt and say "alright, for the duration of this analysis let's settle on a twink being a young looking (regardless of actual age), thin man with almost no facial/body hair".

Since Sinclair is a rich guy (not just Any Rich Guy though, we're talking of someone whose family had ties to a Wing, probably not some elite guy like Daniel or Hong Lu, but not a self perceived "mediocre" nest dweller like Samjo either), and pressumably not very experienced in combat in most mirror worlds (we know he has no prior experience in the base one where he joined Limbus, at least), let's say that he has enough body mods for him to be much stronger than he looks like despite being thin, he does look thin and young and much to my dissapointment he also has no facial hair, so yeah, under this very broad definition of the term he is a twink.

However if you start adding personality archetypes to the definition he stops being one almost inmediately, as we've been shown time after time that his "submissive" attitude is mostly a result of him not knowing too well how to impose himself and just going along with what the rest say or do, but he's starting to grow tired of that ever since Hell's Chicken (even if he clearly still isn't great at that), as it should be more than obvious for anyone who even just googled "demian herman hesse literary analysis", Sinclair is undergoing a lot of changes even now, and the game is doing a good job at portraying that.

Honestly I also think he'd be hotter with a sleeper build but really, I don't care enough about him to argue about that.

And for the last point, precisely due to his upbringing as a rich guy AND his traumatic experience with Kromer, Sinclair is not only a very polite and mild mannered guy (again, unlike resident creature Stephan), but also he tries to take as little space as possible, both literally and metaphorically, as Dante notices near the end of canto 3 when they finally comment on how Sinclair never talks about his own problems until it's too late because he doesn't want to bother the others as they probably have it worse (again, unlike Stephan "i don't mind loweing team morale and making everyone in the room uncomfortable as long as i get to vent" Full Stop office).

3.- Adressing common arguments

Alright, now that I talked about each character, let's see some of the most common arguments I've seen people use to compare them.

"They look the same!" No, they don't. The only thing they have in common is being blonde but even their hairstyles are different with Sinclair having a simple bowl-ish cut with slightly wavy hair and Stephan having curlier hair (not to mention the whole point I made about body types because I'm the sort of lunatic who cares about that stuff). I won't even bother with this argument.

"They have the same personalities!" Again, they don't. Stephan is very cynical with a lot of his attitude being clearly derivated from him coming from a poor background and having stayed there his whole life, he also doesn't care about his cynism getting in the way and bothering everyone else. On the other hand, Sinclair is someone who could almost be described as naive due to having lived a sheltered childhood and only having his experiences with Kromer and his time at Limbus as moments of realizing that the rest of the world is Not Like His Childhood House, still believing that the world is a binary of good vs evil and expecting things to turn out fine or be much better than they actually are, just to be hit with the reality of the city Not being a nice place where people are nice and polite and not trying to kill him, this is not to say he doesn't have his own issues but even Dante notices during his Canto that Sinclair makes a point to avoid bothering everyone else with his personal problems, keeping them to himself even if that makes things worse on the long run.

"Both are opposed and harmed by a lunatic!" This is an argument I've seen a lot and is incredibly filmsy at best, half of the city's population are lunatics and the other half are people who got opposed by them some way or another. Will you say that Ishmael and the rest of the Pequod crew can be compared to the Full Stop office (or really, even mention the other Full Stop fixers instead of just focusing on Stephan because he happens to be blonde and can be compared to Sinclair) because of their situations with Ahab? Or the W Corp crew who got their train targetted by Jae-heon and Elena (or, you know, the train passengers who were turned into Love townspeople or puppets)? What about the Vermillion Cross who got killed by the Reverb Ensemble? Or the Cane office fixers? or the Zwei association section 6 who got beaten to death by Gyeong-mi just because he felt like doing so? Or the Liu association section 1 who had to deal with Argalia taking Philip away? Or the Kurokumo clan members when they were attacked by Tanya? You aren't comparing them to either Stephan or Sinclair, right? Not to mention that in her weird and fucked up perception of things, Kromer was less opposed to Sinclair as she was trying to lead him to join her and her cause, even the last things she says before getting killed are her calling him to follow her.

"Both are compared to birds!" Oh, right, because I forgot that a very directed symbolic comparison to a baby bird breaking out of it's shell as a symbol of rebirth, learning about the nuances of the world and self improvement/liberation that is consistently used in the source material Sinclair comes from is exactly the same as one (1) throwaway line the big bad guy uses to mock not only Stephan but the whole Full Stop gang, right. And if you want to say "but Tamaki compares him to a bird once too", yeah she calls him a parrot because he keeps repeating the same complaints over and over, it's still not the same as a consistent metaphor.

"Both are sad blonde twinks! They're essentially the same guy." Sad? Yeah, everyone in the city is sad but their ways to be sad are polar opposites, and neither of them is the pure cinnamon roll uwu crybaby archetype people tend to lump both into, Stephan was merely having a bad day and people decided to make that his whole personality (when honestly we get more insight on his actual personality before Argalia shows up, when he's making sarcastic remarks and getting impatient because they weren't starting killing people fast enough) but he's still perfectly capable (and willing) to murder people, and Sinclair is just... someone who lacks experience about the real world and how it works and has a tendency to get nervous because of this, but he can adapt quickly to situations once he understands them. Blonde? Yeah, but I guess if that's a point to draw a comparison then we should also compare them to Don Quixote, the Tiphereths, Lenny, Yun, Lulu, Olga, every single npc, librarian, and agent who comes with blonde hair from the generator... Twinks? Stephan absolutely isn't one, Sinclair depends on how you define twink as nobody seems to get to an agreement with that, if you define it as merely "young looking thin man with almost no visible body hair" then yeah he is one, but if you go for any more specific definition than that he stops fitting into the definition almost instantly.

In conclusion: if I see anyone else comparing them I'll start blocking people liberally bc I'm sick of seeing that shit (I do that already tbh but just so you know), now scram

#pjm #library of ruina #limbus company #.🔫#this full stop office shit gets serious #probab ly not exhaustive but ive had this sitting on my drafts for way too long so i needed to post it so people understand how much i Hate #that godforsaken comparison

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vyvesvi · 4 months

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just started asia super young 😅 funny how a show can seem super popular when you're out of the loop but when you finally start watching it's crickets

this is my first time watching a youku show, i like the pacing BUT I HATE the fact that they cut so much from the free eps (free is 1 hr vip is 2.5+ 🫠). so like the irresponsible working adult i am i committed to monthly subscription (that i WILL remember to cancel the day the finale airs 😁). the other thing that i find really disappointing is that free voting on the youku app doesn't count towards their rank, it's just for extra promo 🫠 apparently you need to pay separately through their site or have a weibo associated with a mainland # (acc to fans based in hk w weibo accounts they can't even vote. when the show is filming in hk. and conducted half in canto.)

but i WILL be tuning in even though im desperately confused about everything. i watched eps 1 - 3 using the free version so im gonna do a quick recap and hopefully start catching up with the extra content tomorrow 🙏

ASY PICKS (based on ep 1 - 3)

ults: gemini (hoàng huệhùng/huang huixiong) & albert (aihe)

these two...how could you not say cunt. gemini is a 99 liner from vietnam, a short king, his nose is pierced, his dancing is clean, and his vocals are great. does he speak chinese? no. but does he serve face? like his life depends on it (because it does). he's already on my list of survival show contestants who will live on in my brain in perpetuity. aihe is the other main slayer from the same audition group (medusa). just look at him. he walked out and i went bitch???? he's like if hu yetao and xue bayi had a baby that was mad as hell. he's an 03 liner from xinjiang, pretty good vocals, and great dance skills. had to use that shitty laptop pic bc it just radiates his whole vibe.

i like you!: vic (zhang shengxi), orenda (shuhao), walker (wang kun), kong sonhei (jiang xinxi), & karl (ting tzelong)

vic is a 2000 liner & and member of enone. his rank is so oddly low bc he gets pretty good screentime and is very talented?

shuhao is a 2000 liner. he wasnt a pick until he did his solo rap but he's the best rapper, undisputed, on this show. plus he composed & produced & wrote & arranged their group's whole audition song? kingie.

walker is an 05 liner with a musical theatre background. to me he has a very broadcaster type face - kind and open. i noticed him mostly for how he was taking care of his younger audition partner, it was very very cute 🙄(🥹).

xinxi is an 02 liner & a member of the yuehua brigade. member of the bg boyhood (all of whom are competing) and i believe the theme song center. but more importantly, he's my birthday buddy!😁🥳 i'll admit to noticing him first bc of the bday thing - i was actually pretty unimpressed by boyhood's audition. still, he's a very good/solid boy group member to have.

karl (ting tzelong) is a 97 liner with roots in canada & hong kong. he's a Fantastic singer and was the runner up in the mr. hong kong contest? don't think he can dance but that voice, singing or speaking...

i know you & ur fun: ollie

ollie (06, under yuehua) was on boys planet so im very familiar with him (side note but this show has so many former iqiyi show contestants but none from tencent 😭). honestly he's not a pick for me but i like his energy, he's a great variety member. also i don't want to see him lose so 😭 that said i've always thought he raps like he's reading a children's book but he's graduated to slam poetry🎉

hmmm: sky (zhao tianyi)

so. sky's audition was iconic. this 14 y/o kid sang, rapped, played the piano, synths, talkbox, did streetdance, and jumped into a split. he clearly loves music & is very intense about follow this passion. but 1) he's 14. 2) he clearly wants to be a soloist, thus far i can't see a single team player bone in his body. these things combined have put him lower on my list (i especially didn't really care for how he interacted with gemini during the team selection but we'll see if that continues in ep 4). but he's here currently for his talent.

keeping an eye out: archie (sin ching fung), hugo (wong singcheuk) & service (sun xiaowei)

archie (98) is a singer, he sings! but honestly so many ppl on this show are good & he can't really dance so...we'll see

hugo (03, apex member) ...in his audition he looked like a member of my token bg POW lol. he has a lot of potential i just need to see more

service (03) i saw some star potential in his audition, we'll see

#asia super young #asy #t watches tv #gemini #huixiong #aihe #vic #wong singcheuk #zhang shengxi #the way i already watched ep 4 but i already typed all this

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jzq · 2 years

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i had a dream the book 1984 was about something really indescribable yet fucked up, it wasnt even clear in the dream what it was, but something about the protagonist actually being a shapeshifter or false identity or something. and in the dream i knew that it was something so fucked up to me that i didnt even pay attention bc i knew it would make me feel an intense emotion. now while in the dream, i woke up from the 1984 thing and my mom walks into the room like Hey do you realize how Loud youre being, with her phone in her hand, as if she had just recorded me, and none of that mattered to me apparently and i asked her “you know the movie 1984?” “yeah?” “we should watch it some time.” then i woke up for real

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theoneeyedwriter · 4 years

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writing characters with one eye

i can pretty much guarantee that ↑that↑ is not a heading you see everyday.

now i will not be giving advice on writing cyclopses, (though it may be sort of the same thing) i still hope this will be helpful for some people out there that are looking to provide a more diverse cast to their wip!

i have never ever ever read a book, watch a show movie etc etc that involves a character with one eye. (aside from those badass characters who wear eye patches bc they lost sight in one eye in some badass way)

for context: i am one of many people who was born with microphtalmia, an eye disease that results in one or both eyes develope smaller than normal at birth. i myself was born with a smaller left eye, which resulted in my left eye being removed exactly twenty days after birth.

microphthalmia (along with many other eye diseases) typically leads to being half or fully blind. i lucked out and only lost my left eye which i am so so thankful for.

i would really really love to see more representation for my community in literature, especially so people would come to see that being half blind isn’t as unusual and weird as people make it out to be.

without further ado, i present to you, a list of information, facts, and first hand experiences from yours truly!

i’ve had prosthetic eyes made to fit my eye socket for about fifteen years (i’m 16 lol) (the first 6ish months after the surgery i never had a prosthetic)

in my life i’ve had four different prosthetic eyes made because just like other people, my eye socket grew alongside the rest of me, meaning the prosthetic needed to be made bigger

i’ve had my current prosthetic for four years now, the past ones lasted about 2-3 years at a time. this one will probably last me through the rest of my life unless i need/want a new one

as opposed to most media/assumptions, my prosthetic (along with most prosthetics) is PLASTIC (people always think it’s glass) and only half a circle!!

i’ve had three surgeries related to my eye

i do not have depth perception which makes doing certain things very difficult (estimating distance, how close/far i am from something etc)

driving is not affected too much, i just have to turn my head more than other people. i believe being blind in the right eye might be more difficult, but i couldn’t say

doing my make up is kinda easy, except for eyeliner is a pain in the ASS since most people close their eye to do it on their upper lid, but clearly i can’t close my right eye whilst doing it lol

my family as well as my friends and even myself often forget i have a prosthetic, which sometimes results in awkward/funny situations

i hate walking with people on my right bc i can’t tell where they are unless i’m constantly looking down at my/their feet

i sucked at basketball bc i had such a disadvantage (no depth perception, i could only see half the court, i was constantly turning my head) but professional swimming is much easier for me since it’s not a contact sport and doesn’t really require for me to be paying attention to a million things at once

i rarely have to take my prosthetic out, and if i do, it’s either to clean it, (we do get eye crusties on our prosthetics just like other people do when they have pink eye or sever allergies) it’s bothering me/really dry, or i want to take it out to show/scare people lol

a lot of people don’t realize when i first meet them that it’s fake bc my recent prosthetic is amazing accurate to my real eye. others notice and assume i have a lazy eye since it doesn’t move

for some reason people think i can’t cry out of my left (prosthetic) eye??? i still have a tear duct??? i actually think more tears come out of my left tear duct than my right lol

i am extremely self conscious about it, but i know there are other one-eyed beauties out there who aren’t which is amazing!! i try to live vicariously through them lol

i make sooo many jokes about my eye lol, and i’m usually ok w other people making jokes as long as they aren’t like overly rude/offensive, then i’ll feel a lil bad about my self

people never really made fun of it, but kids in middle school likes to wave things in front of my left eye/on my left side that i couldn’t see which got really annoying after a while

getting custom designed prosthetics are available, but they’re really expensive (so are normal lol) they costs thousands of dollars, just like other prosthetics do

i run into things that are on my left side ALL THE TIME it’s actually kinda funny lolol

i try to hide my left eye/turn more to my left side in photos bc my eyes aren’t always looking in the same direction, which really gets to me

i wear glasses for both protection and bc my right eye is -1.75 lmao but i did used to wear non-prescription glasses purely for safety

i do have contacts to wear during the summer, swim meets etc, for when i don’t want/can’t wear my glasses but need to see. bc of this, i have a second pair of glasses that have no prescription

if doctors/scientists managed to figure out a way to fix microphthalmia (a birth defect), or do a sort of eye transplant, i would not be able to have that done to me because all parts of my left eye have been removed from my body

microphthalmia is NOT the only disease that results in the haver losing sight in one or both eyes!! there are many others, but it is not my place to share any experiences for something i have not experienced!!!

for once i just want to see a clumsy character who has one eye that WASNT a result of some tragic event.

so please please please consider including a character with one working eye in your wip. it would mean the world to myself and all the other members of the community (there’s a lot of us, trust me) plus, i wouldn’t mind starting an acting debut playing a half-blind female protagonist, that would be so dope.

that’s about all i can think of for now! please send an ask or reply to this post if you have any questions, i’m willing to answer any!!! and if you happen to be a member of the one eye club, please add to this post!! that would mean the world to me:)

#writers block #writers on tumblr #writing #writingtips #writers of tumblr #authors of tumblr #motivation #writer #writing tag #writing tips #writing troubles #writing help #writing community #writers community #writer support #writer shenanigans #micropthalmia #one eye #half blind

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piningeddiediaz · 3 years

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I personally think Pynch anniversary is November 2nd because 1st is ronans bday and idk they kissed and all and probably talked through the night and i think it makes sense that the anniversary would be November 2 but thats just me. They’re basically together now for 1 yr and idk 1-2 months. Since they got together 1 yr before adam left and now it’s November/December again.

I have a question btw. Why do you think so many people seem to dislike Adam and/or Declan? I mostly am following pynch / Adam blogs but i see a lot of negativity too and idgi.

I personally like gansey and blue for example even tho they’re not perfect but actually no character is, not even adam even tho i love him dearly. But so much of the stoey happens bc of adam and idk…

Also I hate kavinsky apologists or people who say ronan had a crush on him wtf 😳 like. No. Kavinsky was disgusting and yeah maybe lost too but an asshole nonetheless. Ronan was already riding his crush on adam wave and he def wasnt interested in kavinsky except for the racing and dreaming convos ?! Sorry brain dump

yeah, I suppose that makes sense. depends on when you define their anniversary ig? is it an anniversary when you first kiss? when you admit feelings? when you officially declare you are together? I sure as fuck wouldn't know!

and oh boy, I have thought about why people hate Adam a lot and I think Adam perfectly described why in trb - "rags to riches isn't a story anyone wants to hear until after its done." I can't speak for everyone, but it wasn't until end of trb/start of dream thieves that I started to like Adam. I liked gansey immediately, but barely skimmed over adam's chapters until we got to his "what do you want, Adam? to feel awake when my eyes are open" because suddenly I could understand with vivid clarity why I was so eager to not pay attention to Adam - it's because he is real. gansey, at least at the start, was not. he was from the get go established to be the typical male lead. handsome, popular, rich. he's privileged but tries to be humble (even when he fails at it), he tries to be a good friend (even tho sometimes he fails at it). gansey was presented to be the kind of protagonist we are all familiar with. we've seen him in nearly every piece of literature. but Adam? Adam is real. Adam is like the average person. he doesnt get to hope for a future, he has to make one. he understands this fact, perhaps more and way earlier than any other person might, and he wont let anything stand in the way. in trb it made him appear to be cruel, because when people read books about friendship they want it to be all or nothing. you would give up your life for your friend. you would give up everything for them. and so the audience, who are already naturally inclined to immediately go towards gansey, are frustrated at Adam because he's your friend! he just wants to help you! it's not until adam's arc ends that people really understand where Adam comes from, why adam does this. you cant give something to someone who has always had nothing and expect them to not think it doesnt come with strings attached. in the real world, it always does. and I think that is why adam's character arc hits all the more. I thought he was an interesting character from the start, but it wasn't until dream thieves, it wasn't until Adam had really really started his character development, that I finally understood. to me, personally, thinking too hard on adam's character was uncomfortable because then I would have to face the reality of life. liking gansey was safer, because he is the prince. the hero. the one you know is going to make it out in the end. the one you're supposed to like. but then Adam, who was supposed to be the side character in gansey's story, makes his own. he becomes the protagonist, takes charge of the story and the narrative - he doesnt just get the title of protagonist, he specifically makes it for himself. and honestly, I dont think adam's absolutely amazing spectacular character development hits as well if you didnt dislike him at the start because, Maggie makes sure you inevitably have an 'oh' moment where you realise that its been about adam parrish all along. its one of the main reasons why I will undoubtedly say Maggie Stiefvater is my favourite author - she is so good at manipulating her readers!

the same goes for declan, I think. we're not supposed to like him, because aside from that one pov he has, we only see him from the perspective of people who don't like him. I personally liked Declan right from the start, but I am in the minority because I know what its like to have to parent your shithead brother because your parents wont. but we were intended to not like declan until we finally saw his story from his pov in the dreamer trilogy. again, expert storytelling by mstief.

(tho if you still dont like declan and adam idk what to tell y'all. maybe reread the book with critical thinking skills?)

and yeah, I have to agree with you there. I have a lot of problems with a lot of things gansey and blue - especially gansey - do (more or less all of dream thieves??? I dont think I will ever forgive gansey for the car convo) but I cant say that makes me hate them exactly, because they are very complex characters.

and yeah dont even get me started on kavinsky. tbh I have his tag blocked and dont ever interact with any k posts. he was gross and disgusting and im glad he died.

#asks #anon #pynch #adam parrish #ronan lynch #declan lynch #gansey #trc #anti kavinsky

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haikyuu-bf-scenarios · 3 years

Text

Kageyama Tobio: Second Encounter

First Meeting

heyo lets go for inconsistency in posting. sorry the one im updating isnt the most emotionally competent mc

*not edited*

you didnt want to go to the club

werent too keen on getting hit in the face

again

you didnt have much a choice bc step-mom decided to warn Kiyoko about your flakey-ness(?)

you take as much time as possible packing up, making this decision

until Kiyoko shows up

she tells you your step-mom told her mom that you have a habit of flaking on things you dont want to do

“fine”

you swing your bag over your shoulder, following Kiyoko to the gym

before you enter tho you move to the side of the building

you buy a straberry milk from the machine

as mentioned before, you can drink a cup (or carton) of milk before feeling sick

we love being spiteful of medical issues

you rejoin Kiyoko at the entrance, sipping your milk slowly

obviously she’s concerned; she heard you yesterday too

“relax, im not that self-hating. im not eager for stomach cramps tho”

“you know better than me, i suppose”

she brought you inside, where the tea had just started setting up

“should you be drinking that?”

it seems there are two moms on this team

“sorry which one are you?”

dont blame yourself for not remembering his name

or face...

last time you were here you got hit in the face

you also didnt think youd be coming back

and you said as much “sorry i didnt think id be here again. didnt bother to memorize you all”

“ah” ‘so blunt’ “im Sugawara”

he bows to you which provided you w/ a culture shock youve been getting a lot

you only bowed your head in return

stepmom said that was okay for now until you learned the proper way

this isnt really important to the story but the author wanted to mak the cultural difference apparent

“so about that milk?”

“I’ll be fine.” you took another step to prove your point

“y/n” Kiyoko called you over to her and Yachi, who had just arrived (as you heard earlier)

“You two will be observing today. You dont have to be nervous.” you suspect that t be directed to Yachi

“wight!”

“wight?”

“oh, but be careful of stray shots”

that was probably for you “right...”

she walked away, grabbed a notebook, and approached you again giving it to you

“what for?”

“its for recording info about the team. make as many notes as you want”

‘this is bc i forgot Sugawara’s name’

you looked at the book with no emotion

‘i doubt ill be making any notes’

you really need to give yourself more credit

bc you did rite notes down

not volleyball notes

yeah, hell no - you dont know enough about the sport to do that

no you took notes on other things

like how everyone listened to Daichi

How Asahi barely had confidence but still hit the ball with finality

how Hinata’s, Nishinoya’s, and Taneka’s energy and antics made practice much more fun

how Kageyama seemed to be giving his full effort even if it was only practice

it was exhausting just watching them

didnt mean it wasnt keeping you engaged

the stray balls flying toward you made sure of that

one of them flew at Yachi but Hinata got it first

this prompted Kiyoko to come over and check on you both

“are you okay?”

“uh, yes...”

“fine”

“this is my time seeing volleyball outside of PE class so close. its pretty amazing”

“i think our teams offense is among the best in the prefecture”

she stops a ball from hitting you in the face

again

one of the boys yelled sorry but you were paying more attention to what Kiyoko was saying

you especially werent paying attention to Nishinoya & Taneka

“Karasuno was actually strong enough to go to nationals before

“but in the last few years, we’ve been called ‘the fallen giant’ & ‘the flightless birds’“

“creative” you commentd

“this time, we’re going to stand on the national stage.”

“thats amazing...”

you had to agree with Yachi on that

looking at Kageyama do another perfect set, it made you think, want

no not like that, ya nasties

‘whats it like being so passionate about something that you perfect it?’

‘i bet it feels amazing’

now im just guessing bc im not you but im pretty sure this was the minute you decided you were gonna help them to nationals

hell you even brought the notebook home w/ you to make your own notes

masterlist

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sastrugie · 4 years

Text

john entwistle biography review

ok so first: I didnt really like the biography because I thought it would focus on totally different aspects. John was a musical virtuoso and that hardly ever gets mentioned in the book. But we get exact axccounts on how much money he spent on what day and in which pub he bought which champagne. like wow thanks. The other personal stuff is basic who knowledge you can read in any other Who biography. His autobiographical bits were joy and fun! Maybe the only reason to buy the book in my opinion. He writes totally different than the author...

ANYWAYS: here my fav facts from the book that you probably didnt know before

this is the face of a man who -when his father gave him driving lessons for his 21st birthday as a present- decided driving wasnt really his thing and he spent the money on clothes and parties instead. He never had a drivers license ever and also never desired to have one

the hospital he was born in, was bombarded and destructed one day after his birth

as a child he was really weak and thin and had basically every disease that existed

his family was poor af

his father left the family early and held contact with his son, but soon disappeared with a new family

his stepdad, Gordon, disliked John alot and would ignore him, hated everything John did or said and he let his bad moods out on Johns mother, which caused John to be very silent and observative around the house so that there wouldnt be any trouble

he did everything to please Queenie (his mom) so that there was no fighting, according to Alison

loved drawing and playing but usually alone since he had no friends apart from their dog

he heard a trumpet solo once from a trad jazz band when he was 6 or so and decided he wanted to learn the trumpet

my fav line of the book probably: “despite his own expectations, he passed the exams to go to grammar school” like same

at school he was bullied from the older boys but soon left alone by them because he would fight back with badass comments

he applied for the school band for the trumpet but the tallest guy in the year was chosen (he was the 2nd tallest) which made John mad, but he discovered the french horn

soon he found a friend, mickey brown, at last and he gave him the nickname “ent”

he was so terrible in P.E that he was dismissed with other pupils to play somehwere else, they were called “the hockey misfits” and guess who was among them: Pete Townshend.

yeah as you might know they became besties because they loved music and black humour.

he found himself a gf (alison) and Pete & a school gang (like 4 ppl) and his life seemed to finally get where it should.

his worst subjects were geography and german like wow (im a german geography student lmao)

once they played in a pub and johns stepdad was there and was super angry and gave john a list with his fav pubs and told him “these are the places I never want to hear your fucking music playing”.

after walking home pete decided to switch the guitar and john wanted to become a musician more than ever

Roger found him and John kind of convinced him (it took months apparently) to get Pete into the band and then it all started

he judged the beatles because John Lennons harmonica was “out of tune” in love me do, wow ok you nerd

john started smoking with 20 and was the last one to quit his job for the band and he was against drugs at first (bc he had a “civilized” job) but then decided to give a shit, dyed his hair black, bought cigarettes, smoked dope with pete and did speed too

he wanted to step out of himself and feel good about himself and he was always a fashionnerd so he started buying and trading and selling clothes (he once was dismissed from school bc he wore the school uniform incorrectly)

with 18 or so he was still living at home, had a toy soldier collection and a pet budgie

pete and his college friends made fun of john bc he wasnt a student and still lived at home, although john could have gone to college too and he wanted to, but his stepdad again said no and he had no choice.

he was very awkward and introverted but could open up with his music

he was really into pop art (esp pop art clothes)

was a pseudo mod bc he only liked the fancy clothes and motown music

with the who he found a purpose in his life and finally could be different than ordinary ppl

hated when people touched his hair, he literally hated it

would fuss much about his hair in general

once after a concert they were starving and the room service was alreday home so they had to look on used plates and food wagons and John found a shrimp and said: “who wants to dine with me tonight?” (idk that really made me laugh)

keith moon was john entwistles soulmate and they were the cutest, most iconic and funniest duo ever end of discussion

his amps would soon be called little manhatten bc he had so many bc he wanted to be loud

he actually went to sing at church once when he was like 24 and the band made fun of him then he stopped

in the late 60s he bought a house with alison in a normal neighbourhood and went walking the dogs on sundays and stuff

but he was a party animal and always the last to go

he was really sensitive and cried often according to Alison but only in front of certain people

he would totally step out of his way to please people

when they played at the monterey pop festival they didnt bring their own amps along and john was furious bc he said the american amps are shit and kit was like “no” and john didnt talk to him for the whole festival until their perfomance was over and they had sounded like shit to tell kit “I TOLD YOU SO” thats how extra he was

when he got money he would spend it bc he was so used to being poor that he thought it wouldnt last long and he had to enjoy it NOW

he was always calm and everyone respected him and kit told a story where he entered the room and roger was at keiths throat and and pete was screaming something and john was sitting in the corner cleaning his nails. thats who energy

liked to dance at parties

his fav drink was rémy cognac with 40% and he would drink like 1 bottle alone everyday in his later years...wow dude

he was also gentlemanTM and once paid taxis for girls from london to brighton after a party

once at a wedding the free drinks were out and John just gave the barkeeper his creditcard and said he will pay for all the drinks of the night for everyone (it wasnt his wedding)

Roger once said: “John made smartass comments that deserved a punch in the face” sounds like him yes

he didnt really care about money and always wanted to pay and never told anyone how much things had cost and brought gifts for everyone

soon that ended in a shopping addiction tho and he bought ridiculous things for ridiculous amounts of money

when the who was inactive he sank into depression :(

held the band together during who by numbers & who are you

wrote and played all the quadrophenia horn parts himself

never lost his passion for art and always drawed alot, said Alison

cried when Christopher was born aww

once he saw their manager in an art museum and how he wanted to buy a painting but couldnt afford it, so John bought it secretly and shipped it to said managers home as a gift

We all know John was a huge collector. His most treasured collection was .. wait for it: teapots.

he tried to save Keith from being arrested once and ended up being arrested too lol

wanted to write a scifi concept album but desorted the idea and gave some songs to the who (905) or Pete

was a good cook apparently

When he gave a hug HE was the one who decided when to let go sdfghjk

hated confrontation and would hire other people to tell someone bad news

he spent so much money on dumb shit like wtf

but didnt really care either

probably the master in picking up and seducing girls

he let his stepdad live in the quarwood mansion when he wasnt there but Gordon was still an asshole wtf

the contact to his real dad was really sporadic

when the who ended, it hit him really hard and he didnt know what to do besides partying and buying stuff/hording stuff

was very insecure and selfconscious in the 80s according to Maxene :(

he actually took pete breaking up the who really personal and was sad 24/7

was that kind of guy that said bad stuff about the who but when you said bad stuff he would try to kill you on spot

with cocaine he felt really confident and still like the 60s/70s rockstar he once was but he didnt understand that these times were over and he needed to move on

sometimes went into random pubs with friends and made jam sessions for the guests

he still was generous and loving until he died and tried to play with other bands but it was not the same

he really liked Kenney and hung out with him more than with his wife at some point lmao

was a total giver and people who worked at quarwood would steal money from him but when someone pointed that out he got angry with that person for even suggesting that

was a real softieee (and a huge nerd)

all his friends said that he was shy at first but once you got to know him he would come totally out of himself, was very funny, loved to tell stories, was very very loyal and would try evertyhing to make you laugh aww

all in all a glorious story with a sad ending and he did destroy himself completely, but lets remember that Pete Townshend described old John still as "wonderful, mature and elegant” so lets cling on to that :)

#the who #John Entwistle #band #literature #the ox #mine #pete and rog didnt participate in the bio maybe thats why its hit #*shit #not hit #also you can see: no info about his musical inspiration or werdegang #can not recommend #althought this post might look fun these are the filtered cool stories from like 330 pages #classic rock

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im-a-meteorite · 4 years

Text

i’ve been marathoning the harry potter movies since im in quarantine and i’ve been taking some notes. i’ll post them all bc why not

sorcerer’s stone

harry knowing that there’s no post on sunday,, a genius

hedwig’s theme playing when harry looks out of the window and sees an owl flying by, very nice

hagrid doing magic at the house on the rock thing,, wouldnt the ministry be able to track that?? since there’s no wizard that lives there, they should be alerted?? or did they remove the trace from hagrid once he got expelled?? like does it work by the trace only or? bc if it doesn’t work by location then how would they know that a muggle witnessed the magic?? idk anymore

the kids staring at the nimbus 2000 and saying its the fastest model yet,, then the camera zooming on the handle w/ the background blurred -> the most straight forward foreshadowing

hagrid is actually the worst person to take harry on his tour situation,, like bro literally left him in the middle of a train station

the weasleys and harry going to the platform while theres a shit ton of ppl walking around,,, statute of secrecy where??

the great hall is on the first floor?? i thought it was on the ground floor

ew the hats

i wish the movies had dumbledore’s weird few words speeches

“theres not one witch or wizard that went bad that wasnt in slytherin” broooo

mcgonagall is so savage i love her

snape is an asshole

a crap ton of chessboards in the great hall study hall scene,, foreshadowing the challenges?

madam hooch really yeeted herself out of neville’s way

✨🥰 oliver wood 🥰✨✨

harry really wiped the troll buggers on his robe,, disgusting

snapes hair is lowkey on fleek tho,,

making most of the slytherins ugly bc they’re the “evil” house is just a disservice to all the inbreeding

hermione setting snape on fire is truly iconic and very extra tbh like sis why tf would u know a spell like that

seasonal transition wasnt that great tbh

overall the directing style is kinda basic

“not in the restricted section,,” rule breaking hermione is the best hermione

dumbledore’s handwriting is so extra and loopy like tf?? but it fits his character

the hedwig flying season transition was good

“immortal?” “it means you’ll never die.” “i know what it means!”

50 points each for being out of bed??? wtf is this point system

filtch saying there’s werewolves in the forbidden forest,,, thats illegal sir

hagrid calling the trio by their first names but draco by his last,, we love favoritism

harry’s thoughts r so ridiculous,, “snape doesnt want the stone for himself, he wants it for voldemort!” lmaoo wtf,, evidence pls sir,, u don’t even know he was a death eater. was it the bad vibes?? bc same

harry figuring out that the person who gave hagrid the dragon egg is voldy,, a genius

“kill us faster?? now i can relax!!” ron is so iconic i love him

“lucky we didnt panic!” “lucky hermione pays attention in herbology”

how is it that harry’s hand burned quirrel but not the skin on harry’s neck?? that shit makes no sense

yeah i really cant imagine this dumbledore fighting voldy in movie 5

hermione’s headband in the reunion scene is so cute i love it

chamber of secrets:

how is dobby even allowed to just jump on the bed?? like is it bc harry isnt his master that he can do smth like that

“dobby has heard about harry potter’s kindness” or whatever,, bro u work for the malfoys either the elves gossip or draco is waxing poetry about harry

aunt petunia saying “we have ice-cream” after that whole affair is just ridiculous

DIAGONALLY

this seems like the extended version bc i dont remember the borgin and bruks scene to be that long

the close ups with lucius and ginny’s books r insane lmao like chris columbus made it so obvious

also mr weasley’s acting is so funny like its so exaggerated

lucius malfoy is so dramatic and extra we love it

also lucius knowing hermione’s name and “draco’s told me all about you”??? bro whats with draco?? lmaoo

snape really got mad with the whole car business

mandrakes r fucking weird bro how did jkr come up with that

PERCY WALKING WITH PENELOPE CLEARWATER??? HOW DID I MISS THAT??

omg colin had so many lines?? wow

omg erol with the fucking howler,, iconic

ron’s facial expressions?? pure comedy, rupret is so good

LOCKHEART REALLY SAID “GOOD GIRL” THEN WINKED AT HERMIONE

“pesky piksy pescinomy” this bitch dumb

“why is it always me?” poor neville

omfg ✨🥰 oliver wood 🥰✨

ahh using the seeker position for fighting

ew draco used the m-word

the shit the basilisk is saying is so lame lmaoo

how does harry not recognize that he’s hearing a different language?? or does parsaltongue act weird

HOW IS THE WHOLE SCHOOL IN THE SAME CORRIDOR???

“i know the counter-curse that could’ve spared her” bitch the dirty looks he got?? omfg

the movies would’ve been 500% better if they had lee jordan’s iconic quidditch commentary

“scarhead” “TRAINING FOR THE BALLET, POTTER?”

“what did you expect?? pumpkin juice??” madam pomfery is a queen

dobby is dumb dumb

“who am i, hedwig? what am i?”

“reading? i didnt know you could read?”

“look at my face” “look at your tail!”

“you can’t cancel quidditch!”

“oh harry, if you die down there, you’re welcome to share my toilet”

lockheart: do you live here? ron: no *smacks him in the head with a rock*

“voldemort is my past, present and future” are all slytherins this dramatic??

the tension between hermione and ron in the last feast was insane

justin filtch fletchy is so ugly im so sorry i cant

prisoner of azkaban:

im sorry but harry doing underage illegal magic pisses me off every time

aunt marge 🤢

“do they use a cane boy?” “oh yeah, i’ve been beaten loads of times”

that whole scene is so chaotic

“you cant do magic outside of school!” “oh yeah? try me”

sirius really dumb for barking at harry like it makes no sense

the knight bus is probably one of the best things in this movie

“whatcha doing down there??” “i fell over” “whacha fell over for?” “i didnt do it on purpose!” “well come on then, lets not wait for the grass to grow”

harry leans over and looks for the grim, stan: “whatcha looking at?”

“yeah take it away ernie,, its gonna be a bumpy ride”

this whole thing is written and directed so perfectly

i hate how they replaced tom bc it really made no sense

all the bits of magic in the leaky caldron is so genius

fudge reminds me of trump but like dumber

the blue lighting and coloring is just great, it fits the colder vibe of the story (not like HBP with the hazy/blurry effect)

ugh the glass and mirror transitions are one of my favorite things,, alfonso curon really did that

i love the weasleys,, also everyone looks great in this movie

omg the scene with arthur talking to harry about sirius with the sirius poster always being in sight?? amazing

contrast of light and darkness just echos the whole dementor vs patronus situation

i dont even understand why remus took the train other than for the nostalgia

the lights slowly turning off in the different carriages?? amazing

the visual representation of the dementors’ effect is great

REMUS!!!

i wish there was more emotion from remus when he’s talking about sirius,, like that was one of his only friends

snape clapping literally twice for remus,, ajhshsh

ahh the placement of the slytherin and gryffindor tables right beside each other to increase the tension and further the plot

oh yea the new dumbledore, also cool hat he has

omg the new fat lady painting

omg the candy scene?? so cute i love lads being lads. that scene just echo’s dumbledore’s light in the dark quote bc its storming outside at night and they’re creating a happy environment within the dark especially with the dementors

ah yes the clock references + following the bird to show us important parts of hogwarts and putting the whomping willow in the forefront

ron’s reading of harry’s tea leaves,, still on point tho. ron really has a knack for divination

buckbeak! omg drapple

draco is so hot especially with that ring also the slytherin pins??

“oh yeah, terribly funny, really witty. god, this place has gone to the dogs”

the kids look so messy i love it + harry’s uneven tie

HERMIONE CLINGING TO RONS ARM!!

“its killed me! your gonna regret this, you and your bloody chicken”

omg the boggart lesson

“riddikulus!” “this class is ridiculous”

fuck snape!

draco really pushed someone with his bandaged arm

remus is such an amazing professor i love him and i just miss him so much

ugh harry in this hoodie?? amazing

remus and harry’s conversation with the music :(( lily :((

wtf is that eye painting??

percy screaming about being head boy,, bro stfu

sirius is such a dramatic little bitch i love it

seasonal changes marked by the wimping willow

“turn to page 394”

what a fucking rude ass bitch,, i hate snape

harry really be seeing the grim everywhere

i wish they had “wheres wood?” “trying to drown himself in the shower”

winter transition with hedwig! + clock tower

“come and join the big boys”

i just adore this scene of the twins giving harry the map (bro i really want a series about the marauders)

whos that skinny bitch with draco???

harry’s way too rash tbh

also mcgonagall being also too nonchalant about the whole marauder’s situation?? like those werent your students

remus is a soft boy dark academia icon

if only dumbledore wasnt a dumbass,, remus could have been uncle moony raising harry with sirius

ron’s nightmare scene?? iconic

“my dad didnt strut. nor do i” umm james potter was also a drama queen sooo probably strutting

“you, YOU FOUL LOATHSOME EVIL LITTLE COCKROACH” “hermione no, he’s not worth it”

sirius’ dog form really looks like a rabid dog omfg

the part where hermione grabs harry while she’s on the wimping willow omfg

“only one will die tonight” YOU DRAMATIC BITCH UR NOT MAKING THIS BETTER

“finally the flesh reflects the madness within” “well you’d know all about the madness within, wouldn’t you remus?”

why the fuck is the shreaking shack is swaying in the wind??

QUARRELING LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE

why the fuck didnt they knock peter out?? like tf?? they’re actually dumb dumb there were so many ways for this to go right

this man really sent 2 13-year-olds on this dumbass mission

buckbeak really beat up remus,, “professor lupin’s having a really tough night”

harry’s a fucking psycho with this patronus bullshit,, i cant

can they stop screaming while flying on buckbeak?? someone might hear them

im still mad sirius didnt get his name cleared,, so much would’ve changed

“we did it” “did what? goodnight” i fucking hate dumbledore and his mindlessness omfg sometimes i wanna punch him in the face

fuck snape for outing remus as a werewolf,,, but also he really didnt have to resign. like istg wheres the marauder energy when it comes to defying everyone??

i wish the movies had went into the marauders’ history :(( its one of my favorite aspects of the series

#harry potter #harry potter movies #philosopher's stone #chamber of secrets #prisoner of azkaban #hermione granger #ronald weasley #remus lupin #sirius black #severus snape #albus dumbledore #minerva mcgonagall #movie marathon #notes #harry potter notes

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juni-ravenhall · 3 years

Text

my opinions on mistfall!

under a cut bc spoilers and/or not everyone wants to read :D

overall experience:

its fun that there IS a sso cartoon now even if its not exactly amazing quality, and im happy to see if there will be more series or movies after this. it was fun to watch and see sso things in cartoon form too and i wish that we had more already (of sso animation in general). imagine if there had been a ssl cartoon? i also kept thinking throughout this, that it wouldn’t be hard for me myself to make an animated series with around the same length episodes and in a similar quality to this (aside from voice acting and music production), which made me feel a little inspired.

favourite scene:

skye taking photos of blaze and hanging out

positive points:

i like the background art a lot, i think the style of it, and the colour schemes, helps give the series a specific vibe that fits for an sso series in my opinion.

i like the concept art (i assume) illustrations which we saw in the recipes and other posts on sso ig, i think it looks a lot better than the characters in the series, but thats normal for concept art!!

the music is really good quality (whether or not its your taste, the quality is good) which is ofc bc its sso - theres already good music and not something they only did for the cartoon but something they care about in all of the starstable media.

i think skye is a nice character (despite the series’ overall low quality writing) and i like her design. i also think rania’s cartoon design (visually) is cute.

skye and rania being a teensy bit gay (minus points for sso if they dont end up really gay in later canon)

i like that blaze wasnt actually like... mean or anything to skye, and i like that shes a mare since typical stories like this usually have stallions. but i just like that there wasnt really any “ooh difficult horse” things between skye and blaze in the current time of the story, blaze actually was sweet to her most the time. blaze seemed pretty charming whenever there wasnt “omg fire” drama.

the animation itself (not meaning the details of the drawings or scene timing, just the actual frame by frame / puppet movements) was fine! not amazing, but absolutely fine.

points i have constructive criticism for, which doesn’t mean that i expected more from the series, but that we’re all allowed to discuss the quality and our opinions of media regardless of the target audience, budget, etc:

the writing was childish and rushed - this is not to be rude, but a matter that affects a lot of “media for girls / kids”, and a topic talked a lot about by Lauren Faust (creator of the FiM reboot of MLP) who wanted to show that a show about rainbow ponies “for little girls” didn’t have to be badly written, and could be engaging and interesting. if you watch the older MLP cartoons and compare to the first season of FiM (where Faust was still on the team) you can see a huge difference in quality of the storytelling, characterisation, etc. Mistfall, so far, did not subvert any expectation in the quality of what typical “cartoons for girls” are like, and is reminiscent of stuff like “The Ranch” (french horse cartoon) which imo is so bad that its hard to watch. (and ofc... that goes for a lot of “cartoons for girls / kids”, but doesn’t have to be like that.) in order to improve on this, the writer has to study more on storytelling and study from better writers.

on the topic of being rushed: no, it’s not an excuse that the episodes are short: - you have to ADAPT your storytelling and writing to the length of the episodes, not do a bad job and blame the episode length. being able to adapt to different types of media is a necessary skill if that’s what you work with. this comes down to proper planning and structuring the story and writing in a way that works for the length of the episodes. i don’t think that was overall done well here (at times it was okay), and bc of that, it feels rushed and has exposition thrown in your face instead of being shown through better storytelling. the classic thing with exposition is “show, don’t tell”. this is what the writers/directors should study, or pay more attention to.

the timing (length of shots, length of scenes, or parts of shots, etc) was rly bad at times and overall unimpressive - this comes down to the skill of directors and editors. to improve this they have to study more on the topic. bad timing and pacing can really ruin a good scene or a good story and make it feel disconnected and hard to immerse in for the audience.

the artstyle of characters and horses is fine at times, but appears very low quality at others (skye’s childhood scene really bothered me bc her kid-self had really badly drawn eyes in my opinion). this, like everything else on this list, is ofc something that appears in almost every single “cartoon for girls” that ever existed. to improve on this, most likely it’s not a problem with the artists but with the budget and the production timeline (allowing the artists more time to produce better quality art and animation), and it can also be a problem with the art direction, if the art directors aren’t very skilled or experienced (i don’t say that they aren’t, im just giving examples of what could cause these problems.)

the character design for all characters that aren’t skye, rania, or blaze was very lacking. none of the not-main-3 characters looked interesting or fun to look at, they looked very dull and like the most boring NPCs you could think of. even though its understandable that the mainest-main characters would have the most interesting designs, that doesn’t mean everyone else has to look that boring. this is an issue with art direction or character design. i think most likely there was just very little time (equals money) put into designing the other characters.

the horse design could be improved for a cartoon that focuses on horses this much. like, horses are a big part of the selling point here, so make sure that their designs and art/animation is good. at times even blaze looked awkward and uninteresting, as did the other horses.

“alonso” looks nothing like sso alonso and i don’t like that they used his character if it’s not going to have anything to do with him. they should have given this character a different name if they wouldn’t make him seem like he had anything to do with the sso character aside from being a male ranger. (also in the game he’s like 22 or something, skye is 15...?)

why did they add a “he’s cute” dumbass fucking stupid hetero comment for literally no reason other than adding a dumbass fucking stupid hetero comment?

considering that they “can’t confirm whether a sequel is happening or not”, it seemed very meh to throw in druid cult magic stuff and not really connect to it and now the series ended? you would have expected to find out more about the cloaked people, the runes, the magic that the ranger guy did, and blaze’s magic in general, and skye herself, why her mom is “a witch”.... thats a lot to throw in while saying that you can’t say if there’s a sequel coming to answer all those questions. (it wouldn’t have been a criticism from me if they said “we’re working on season 2″ or “there will be a comic book that continues the story” or anything that told us that these questions, in this particular iteration of a story in jorvik, will actually be answered. - and i assume they ARE working on the continuation of the story, but i dont agree with that they’re not upfront about it, when they left so many questions unanswered.)

at times rania’s blindness was handled stupidly and i think they should have gotten more consultation from actual people with visual impairment, but i think its still good to HAVE a blind character in the main cast and that it’s not a big dramatic story thing but just an everyday thing. at some points it was fine though; and i personally don’t think the scene with rania being able to see blaze was necessarily a problem - because - a lot of blind ppl can see sharp contrasts in light and dark, and this seemed relatively realistic to me when blaze is on fire. (however, the way it was drawn as if she could see the whole shape of blaze and skye could be criticised for sure, and makes it feel more like “i can see because of magic” and not “i can see bc THIS MARE IS ON FIRE”).

personal opinion which i said before, but i don’t think rania’s voice fits her at all, and it’s not the voice actor’s fault (i’m sure they’re lovely) but the casting and the directors. from the sso character, rania would seem a lot more lively, quick and adventurous, and not as calm and gentle as she appeared here. she seemed a lot too sort of motherly or just adult, instead of an adventurous teen who runs off on her own to do whatever she feels like. compare in-game rania going “MC, thats a jorvik wild!!!” and alonso going “stop talking nonsense” (paraphrased), to Mistfall rania going “jorvik wilds are really rare...” (calm, sort of disinterested, doesnt seem like she cares that much about adventures)

the voice acting overall was meh. i see this as a direction problem, not an individual voice actor problem (and the writing didnt help - it’s hard to provide good quality acting with a poor script unless you can just toss the script aside and improv, if you have good actors). it felt childish and uninteresting at most points and generic low quality for “cartoons for girls”. from a voice acting perspective i think skye had the best result. anyway, the way to improve this is for the director in charge of voice acting to not direct the actors to perform in this childish manner. (again, refer to cartoons with better writing and better voice acting, that have a very similar target audience.)

ok, i think that was everything that i wanted to write about for now, might think of more later lol

#star stable mistfall #opinion #text post #long post

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selfcareparker · 3 years

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LMAOO I WAS GONNA BRING UP FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLIDER BUT I WASNT SURE IF YOU WERE WATCHING IT HSKAJ (are you liking it? i know it’s only the first episode but ya know, another one tomorrow night- well tomorrow night for me, and did you like wandavision?? i loved it!!)

oh my goodness i’m watching lion king while writing this and i haven’t seen it in a while and i am..... emotional. but anyway, i love that streaming services think that imma pay for them while they charge $50 a month. like yes of course i have that kind of money and i am going to give it to you to watch tv 🙄 that $50 is budgeted to sims thank you. (ALSO SIMS!!! i’ll get to that in a minute) now see if i don’t google levidia right this minute LMAOO, not that i’m gonna use it.. just for the research...

AND HDKSHS SEND THAT CHAOS WALKING LINK LMAO i saw it for the third time with a different one of my friends and she wasn’t the best one to see it with? she literally was on her fucking phone and i was like ok whatever her loss not mine, and idk if you’ve read the books or if you’ve seen it by now, but by the end of the whole movie, after they’ve confirmed THE THING throughout the whole movie she asked the dumbest question and i’m like diD YOU NOT WATCH THE MOVIE, and i guess she didn’t. so. this sounds so vague but i don’t wanna spoil the movie for you just in case lol.

THE STORY LMAOO, so A DIFFERENT FRIEND LOL, like my oldest bff, we had a day together and we wanted to go see chaos walking. and i honest to God thought that no one would be seeing this movie. like NO ONE. every day, i checked the theater seating and no one was there right? plus i really wanted us to have the theater to ourselves. so we sit in the wrong seats, the row in front of us, STILL THINKING WE’RE ALONE. and then these 3 older people came in AND IM ABOUT TO SCREAM FHSJSH AND IM LIKE “are we in your seats?” and they we were like uh yeah, AND IT WAS SO BAD LMAOO , we’re moving and everything would’ve been FINE but my friend’s reclined seat was going down so slow and as it’s going shes LITERALLY SAYING ALOUD “awkward awkward awkward” so she thinks forget it, lemme just get up. HER BAG GETS CAUGHT ON HER CHAIR AND HER FRIES AND THEY SPILL ALONG WITH HER HONEY MUSTARD 😭😭 ALL OVER THE FLOOR! so i’m trying not to laugh lmao but those aren’t even our seats and we just made a mess, so naturally, i get on the floor and start cleaning it up with my napkins (this is going for too long) AND MY FRIEND IS STILL SAYING “awkward awkward awkward awkward” and i’m really abt to crack up bECAUSE LIKE SHUT UP HAHAHA and we’re cleaning it and shit and the oldest lady is gonna say “yeah you’re not gonna make an old lady get on the floor, are you?” AND I WANTED TO LAUGH AND SCREAM AT THE SAME TIME BC DID WE ASK YOU TO, NO, so then i had to get the manager and she helped us clean it, we got new fries and everything was fine, it’s just a crazy story bc LITERALLY WE COULDVE AVOIDED IT AND EVERYTHING BUT THESE ELDERLY PEOPLE HAD TO COME AND SEE THIS MOVIE😭😭 at least the gentlemen was nice.. he helped us clean. but then his wife was like “i aM nOt siTTiNg tHeRe” and at first i thought she was a teenager bc of her stink attitude but her husband was nice. and it’s not like we weren’t cleaning it up, we were!!! like i was so apologetic- anyway.

about sims! do you play console or pc? wait,, you already told me you play pc bc your computer was broken, i’m glad you can play now though :’)) litetally when i read in the tags that you’re playing sims !!!! and are you hyped for bunk beds? i have cc so i’ve had them for a bit, but they were glitchy... but i’m so excited we have them now! i should really play sims today...

GURL IM SO PROUD OF YOU 🥺🥲 i know you aren’t fluent in everything and you aren’t a linguistic genius LMAO but it’s still soooo amazing :’) here i am reading the captions while ur just going hahah, yea i tried duolingo but.... i didn’t stick to it HDJSH talking to you though makes me so interested because you know all these languages, not even studying them like that, but you have this foundation and ahh it’s just super cool. LOL YOU DONT SOUND LAME HAJA IM TELLING YOU ITS SO SO COOL, i’m loving this lesson btw oh my goodness- HSKAJS YOU THOUGHT I WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT??? HDYSJHS MY ONLY ENGLISH SPEAKING ASS??? HAHAHAHHAH i find that word (Rindfleischetikettie- i’m not gonna write the whole thing i’m sorry) very interesting... like... wow. did you have to google that or did you just know lmao

OKAH THE WATER THING HDKDJDKS UR GONNA TERRIFY ME HAHAH OH MY LORD- first of all CROATIA 😍😍 but thinking about it like that, I WOULD FREAK OUT TOO HAHSGSG i never go that deep into the water, or if i do i have my dad with me lol and i kind of hold onto him bc ive seen/heard too many things about people being dragged into the sea. but i loveee the water (i wanted to be a mermaid soooo bad ohmigosh)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ONE CANNOT LIKE MUSIC ITS AWFUL !! lmao yeah i haven’t even listened to harry’s his first album, everyone says they love it more. I WAS GONNA SAY IMMA LISTEN TO ONLY ANGEL BUT THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE IT HUHAHAH also i have never listened to anything by mgk (i actually had to google who he was IM SORRY😔) i’m tempted to listen tho lol PLEASE JUSTIN BIEBER- I PROMISE IM NOT LAUGHING AT U IVE JUSY NEVER HAD SOMEONE SAY THAT B4!! like i don’t know many people who’ve liked him bUT NOW IM GONNA LISTEN & the cardboard cutout- okay. 😭😭😭

oh my goodness to see the vamps live 🤧 TO SEE ANYONE LIVE PLEASE JJDGSHAHGD and little mix is so good oh my goodness- i actually haven’t been to that many concerts.. i was at my first one, elsie fest (it’s like a broadway thing really) in uhhh october of 2019, yea i took my mom for her birthday bc she loves darren criss and i’m obsessed with glee lmao OH MY GOODNESS YOUVE BEEN TO SO MANY!!! and those are such great artists 😩😩

LMAO UR FINE, hamilton is a musical that lin manuel miranda wrote and i think generally made? i’m obsessed, but basically it was on broadway and then recorded and put on disney+ ... idk i guess it counts a film bc it’s like a movie really cuz it was recorded but in what 2018 or 2016? i don’t remembers the date that is on disney+ but it’s strange how i got into it, a lot of my friends were obsessed and i was like uhh why? and while researching it and watching it, trying to figure out why people love it... i fell in love with it LMAO but the music is FANTASTIC and lin is incredible😭 but yes yes yes i loveeeee high school musical!! my dad actually took my cousins to see it on ice or something (i absolutely forget lmao) but i don’t know how people don’t know hsm. it upsets me.

OKAY IM DOWN TO THE BOTTOM HAHAHA (it takes me so long to respond, now i’m on lion king 2 WHICH IS SO GOOD PLEASE FHHSSHHSHSH) i could respond in chunks but i kind of enjoy responding like this? it feels a bit like a letter but if this whole thing is overwhelming i’ll cut it up lol

+ yes that was me about your fic and sleep and everything lol but it was so good😭 i don’t understand how you write peter so well like you have this ability to capture his.. everything? i’m crine. all the time. over your fics. & i cannot describe my happiness for youuuu :’) i’m so happy you’re writing again 🥺🥰 the thing about how you only want to write the long peter fic but you don’t know how to continue... i feel that so so so hard, i don’t think i told you but ughh i was so blah bc of that feeling of having pent up inspiration for only one fucking thing and not being able to write it. it’s so frustrating 😭

not to add more to this but i need to vent a bit? the situation is definitely different bc with your major it obviously requires for you to ya know, know english lol, but uhm bc i’m homeschooled ive been cheating on all my work SHSHDHSJ like i google the answers but i’m still learning! it’s just..... i find it so unnecessary, like going for an audition no one is gonna say to me “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” like tf??? there’s literally no point. i’m gonna be getting into voice lessons again soon and i’m already doing dance, AND i’ll be doing this summer camp program (more hamilton lol) and thinking about school is only making me stress more, like i haven’t been able to rehearse dance at all this week bc of it...... so

hahaha reading your tags, lonely anon would still be accurate HAHAHHAHA // another add: yea i love ur current theme, i’ve gotten used to “seeing you” like this, but anything will look super pretty :)) ALSO HOW IS IT STILL SNOWING THERE, i swear it’s getting warmer and warmer by the day here 😭🤧

these long ass posts, my gosh🥲 lonely lovely anon <3

Omg yes it does feel like a letter sldkdj and then the few days of waiting also make more sense okay i love this ❣️💕❤️💓❤️💞🧡💜💘(wtf)sksjhz

Dear lovely anon,

ALSKSJVKD yes i‘m liking falcon and winter soldier dlkdh i haven‘t watched the second episode yet but i‘ll watch it tomorrow! but i didn‘t watch wandavision........ eidislskks i was going to but idk i wasn‘t that interested in it and watching series is already too much of a commitment (what can i say i‘m a Sagittarius—🤧 (no i’m joking i actually know NOTHING about starsigns)) didjj that i couldn‘t force myself to watch it, ALSO i hate (idk if this is an unpopular opinion) when every episode is like a whole hour. i‘m rewatching an old series today (it‘s german so i won‘t even get into it) and the episodes are 25 mins each and i‘ve already watched 8 episodes today ridlndjdjd,,, and i feel like if the episodes were an hour each i wouldn‘t have gotten past episode 2 today like idk.... even if series had the same length in total, i prefer when the individual episodes are shorter idk why tho tbh (so yeah i already wasn‘t 100% convinced about watching wandavision so i just couldn’t make myself watch a bunch of 1hour episodes— i‘ve heard that it‘s good tho- but i‘m not much of a series person so. Dldkk (have we talked about this already??? sorry i don‘t remember what i said lol and i couldn‘t find my own post anymore so dkdjsh) (WAIT I JUST CHECKED THE WANDAVISION EPIOSRDES ARENT EVEN THAT LONG??? Okay wait i might watch it now - did you like it? let me know if i should watch it— why did i think they were 60minutes???)

okay another confession i‘ve never watched the lion king????? i mean i watched it when i was a child but i was too young to actually pay attention to any kind of plot i just liked the songs lol sldkdj i‘ve been meaning to watch it for years tho 🦁 (idk it just felt appropriate to put a lion emoji lmoaoo)

OH MY GOD THE CHAIS WALKING/CINEMA STORY AHSJSKKS😭😭😭😭 NOOOOO (very fitting that there was so much chaos when you were watching a film that has chaos in the title loool) and the “awkward awkward awkward“ SAME SKSKSLSKDJ, that‘s literally me 24/7 ahajshshhshshsh. Like i was so skdjdjdkdllsldksnsnsnsb while i read what you sent me djslslsjdjdbdn why are old ladies always so grumpy btw 🥲🥲🥲 at least the man was nice tho! and wait did i read that right... you have fries (which, to me, are called chips dusuusldk) at your cinemas?? (Movie theatres sorry sksjsh) we just have popcorn and nachos and drinks i want chips too when i‘m watching a film what😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also i still haven’t watched it so thanks for not spoiling it!!! (idk when i’ll watch it i’m so bad with films and even worse with series💀💀💀- same with cherry. i literally forgot all about cherry, i was SO hyped when the trailer came out like i’ve never been so excited about a movie... and then it came out... and i still haven‘t watch it like what‘s wrong with me???? Dkdjdjdjdklsl i feel like i‘m not gonna watch it anytime soon tbh, but i wanna watch chaos walking i just have to find the time

Okay and @ your other friend who wasn‘t paying attention like why are you even watching the film then???? but ok (omg this sounds so mean i‘m sure she‘s very nice but in this situation just like❔❔❔)

SIMS ahhh, BUNK BEDS, ahhhh sdljdjdjdkdkdldksj i actually haven‘t played it since the update 🤧🤧 i made both of my sims (enisa (bestselling author already, thank you) and michael (aspiring doctor)) go to university and bro it takes so long 😭😭 and you can‘t do anything else if you want them to do well so literally the last three times i played sims i was just constantly clicking their homework and computerd to write their assignments (i play it in german so idk what its called on the sims) and do their presentations and do them all over again so that they get better or whatever for HOURS, but imma play again soon

also i‘m living my fanfiction life loool, so i made my two sims neighbours (on the same plot tho but i made two small separate houses lol, i still wanted to control both of them at the same time but i made sure they didn‘t interact before i wanted them to skdjdjdk). and first they both experimented and got some experience in the love department you know (all genders, cause i have to live my sexuality even in a pc game slskdjh— wait, i‘ve never lived my sexuality irl like i‘ve done NOTHING nothing with guys nothing with girls (🥲) but maybe that’s why i want to do it even more in the sims) and then they met at uni and realised like hey we‘re neighbours and now they‘re together (but michael accidentally had an alien baby with another woman (who was an alien which i was not aware of) cause i wasn‘t paying attention like i said woohoo not try for baby like michael why is your pull out game so weak tf LSHDDHDJDJSKKDKSKDKS okay but making out and flirting and doing all the fun stuff in the sims turns me on way more than it should PFAHAHHAHSH) so idk why i told you this but I’m creating that neighbour!au in the sims lmaoooo

i did not have to google Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsübertragungsaufgabengesetz (just did it again😌 sisjshhs) but i might have mixed up the words überwachung und übertragung or i might have even forgotten a word skskks but in the end it doesn‘t matter (by linkin park- ok i‘m so sorry it‘s 2 am and i have a headache from having waveformers in my hair all day but i still wanted to reply to this now so sorry if i‘m not making any sense right nowbahahshah)

i wanted to be a mermaid too dldjdksksj like h2O and all those series convinced me i could be one like. i remember i‘d always go in the deep pool and attempt to swim like them in all the series with that wave motion i must have looked so crazy with my goggles as well dkdjsksöksj (i was like twelve but still)

so mgk has two sides one is hip hop/rap which is like ~~~~ idk he has good and bad songs, but his latest album is like punk pop snd I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, so if you like punk pop I’d recommend his album tickets to my downfall (i don‘t blame yoj if you don‘t like it tho like about a year ago i would have HATED that type of music dkdkdkkd)🥴

Okay talking about music, there‘s this german rapper and he is... not a good person. he‘s literally a criminal and extremely sexist but to me he‘s still hot???????? he‘s even cute at times even tho he has tattoos everywhere and is like 6‘5 and is super aggressive but i see him and i‘m like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 my heart beats only for you💘💘💘💘and he released a new song today and i watched the video and i‘m wondering wtf is wrong with me 😃 (he did look particularly cute cause he was high so idk he wasn’t really aggressive in this one) 😭 so i thought i‘d share that LMAO IDK

(not saying tattoos aren‘t cute btw i LOVE tattoos imma get some soon, but you know he looks like someone your grandma would be afraid of (and in his case rightfully so💀)

okay wait i‘m getting so tired it‘s 2 am i think i‘ll have to do the rest tomorrow but i wanted to do it now😭🥺🥺 see you tomorrow

it is now 3:42 am and i couldn‘t sleep so here we go again

girl you can laugh at me for liking justin tho skskks i wanna laugh at myself idk, like i said i really really really liked him a few years go, basically my life was at least 50% justin and then he went on a break for a while and released an album last year which i hated 🥴 but this album is wow. (Still weird to me because it‘s literally the definition of pop and i don‘t ever listen to pop?) and it‘s so weird because i used to know so much about justin and had so many friends who loved him as well and now it‘s like I’m listening to someone new? Don‘t get me wrong i never KNEW justin and i never will and i‘m aware of that shahsh but yeah i used to be soooo used to him and it‘s like reconnecting with an old friend and you realise you don‘t know that friend anymore- like you don‘t know them anymore at all. I mean justin is weird nowadays 😂😂😂 so pls laugh at me tbh dskksjsjsh

awww it‘s so wholesome that you gave your mom tickets to the concert 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i gave my mum tickets for pink like 2 years ago and she loved it so much and i was like 🥰🥰🥰 (i went with her) AND OMG GLEE ok so unfortunately i barely remember glee, but i used to watch it too!!!! And it‘s actually on my list of series i wanna watch (again) so youre making me want to watch it even more (but like i said i‘m bad with series so 😩😩😩 who knows when i‘ll rewatch it)

When all this pandemic shit is over (let‘s be hopeful <3333) then you need to go to as many concerts as possible!!!!! i‘ve been to SO MANY and it‘s literally one of the things in my life i‘m the most grateful for, concerts are some of the best experiences i‘ve ever had in my life especially the ones that are in smaller concert halls where you can feeeel the vibe and everyone‘s energy (and that sounds awful thinking about it mid-pandemic 😐) anyway—

Okay omg you‘re absolutely making me want to watch hamilton right now like omg i WANT TO WATCH IT NOW but it‘s 4 am sodndkdldl

what you said about my peter fics🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺like omg i love these emojis they literally just describe how i felt when reading what you said so, yes, 🥰🥺 + thank you :) it really means a lot <3

and no omg i totally get the studying thing. like last year before i graduated .. was that last year? yes wtf omg okaykdjdj, so the last three months before i had my final exams we were just in a lockdown and we didn‘t even have online classes. We had nothing except one teacher who left our group chat (😭) because she was mad at us (?) and one maths teacher who did an online ““lesson““ once a week. he‘d ask: so does anyone have questions. us: . Him: okay, bye then. So. Yeah dndldldj. But we had one online test and it was in german and like i read the book wee were supposed to read? but the questions on the test were all unanswerable (is that a word?) and i had to google everything (got an A tho 🤪 but only because i googled everything so i was so scared that i wouldn‘t be able to get a good result on the final exam because what if i‘d gotten used to just googling everything and i couldn‘t do it by myself anymore? anyway it was all fine in the end but yeah at times i couldn‘t even study because i had so much anxiety about studying and yeah- like this whole annoying cycle. but you said you‘re still studying———- okay wait 👁👄👁 i forgot what i was going to say??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like wtf. Is wrong with me? And i‘m reading what you wrote again and i just don‘t know what i was going to say? Like i get what you‘re saying obviously but i‘m like? Idk 4am brain ayeee, please vent more if you need to and elaborate further because right now i‘m???? Too dumb to respond to this right now wtf. I‘m so sorry lmao ddlkdjdjd what is even going on like i‘m sitting here open mouthed just like ? But btw the fact that you have Voice and dance lessons is like SO FUCKING COOL like oh my god that is sosososos cool wtf, i was thinking that when you first talked about it too

And “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” ODHDKSLDBDJDOFIDKDNDLDK

Yes i know about the weather dkdkdkjd but it‘s getting (a lot) warmer here too and where i live we kind of get a weird type of wind called föhn (which literally means hair dryer but idk if that‘d the reason why it‘s called that, i‘m too tired to think of whether it makes sense rn) and it gives me headachesssssss and the changing weather is also giving me headaches 😭😭😭😭 so this season right now is just headache season and i hate summer so i wish it would just snow again lmao (okay it‘s getting so late that it‘s early already snd i can hear this bird chirping so fucking loud wtf i‘m also getting a headache 🤧🤧🤧) but at least i can do my new theme soon (i hope it‘ll look good🥺 and omg thank you for what you said about my current theme- i always feel like i‘m so bad with aesthetics, i obviously like my theme but i feel like every single person on tumblr has a theme that is prettier than mine so it was very nice to hear you say that you love it👉🏼👈🏼 (i‘m so used to it by now that i actually hate it lmao so it‘s getting yeeted soon and i‘m making megan thee stallion my pfp 🤪 (if the graphics and shit works out skdjdjdj)

#lovely anon #<333 #okay its so late now i dont wanna post it now in case i‘m too tired to notice losds of mistakes #but i also wanna post it now so.#*loads #i‘m posting it #and i absolutely do not mind if you answer like this!!!! but if you ever do feel like it‘s too much or you uust want to respond to one thing #in particular sooner then pls go ahead! <3

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semiconducting · 3 years

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just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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cardboardboxcomplex · 3 years

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ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore. i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn.

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they.

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix)

#white noise #i'll tag idk journal stuff that i guess #cos actually all my thoughts are not in words #until i turn them into words #which has gotten increasingly difficult #long post #idk should i tag that #idk who's actually following this acct #besides kosestream

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ssweeneys · 4 years

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i’m having a REALLY bad day

or really past couple of weeks where work is concerned and i just wanna vent bc you know sometimes people out there in the working world understand ya know???

its long, beware. idek if i’ll keep this up its more so for me to just let it out.

so like i’m an office admin for a company (we’ll leave it nameless for protection purposes) and like i supervise receptionists for my office so i’m kinda an office manager but not technically? if that makes sense.

anyway. people these days just don’t want to fucking work like EVER and like to start jobs and then up and vanish to collect that unemployment which to me is really just dumb since there are rules to it in every state and nine times out of ten you’re making like 60% of what your normal paycheck would be and thats surely not enough to live on, so like ??? i don’t get it.

there’s been a constant rotation of receptionists come and go over the last couple of months and two girls who work for me have stepped in on numerous occasions. one lady is in her 60s and doesn’t know anything about computers and is kind of dense?? to say the least. nothing against old ladies. i actually find a majority of them cute or hilarious bc they say what they think and dont give a f*ck who it offends and sometimes that blunt honesty is refreshing and you just need it in a world where people bullshit you 24/7 to further themselves for selfish gain and yaddy yada

anyways.. over recent weeks she’s become more and more intolerable to deal with. i ask her to do things and she gives me attitude and its like the simplest of things.. like email this person, make sure you let this person know they got a package, etc, etc. she can’t do even the most basic of tasks without screwing up. her attitude is just atrocious.

and due to people coming and going i’ve had to alter our schedule a lot. recently, one girl requested off so i adjusted the older lady’s hours (lets call her--carla) mind you carla only works 1 day a week and i’ve been super generous in giving her the entire week of christmas off so -- yeah.

anyways the girl who requested off (we’ll call her nicole) told me she didnt need those days off anymore and so i fixed the schedule one more time to her original days/hours.

now, i print off the schedule every time a change is made and whoever is at the reception desk i tell them to let the other girls know and post it right by the computer they sit at every day so theres no excuse for anyone to say i didnt make them aware. well carla is not the brightest bulb as we already established and she doesnt pay attention so we pretty much have to coddle her apparently and make sure she understands (although its pointless bc she doesnt no matter how hard you try to explain something to her) ANYWAYS she comes in on nicoles day when she wasnt supposed to anymore bc the schedule was fixed, posted, etc. and she gets mad when i ask her why shes there. and yes, i understand that the rotation has fucked us all over and up in so many ways. she is not the only victim here. this has been stressing me out left and right and to no end for MONTHSSSSS. so like i get it? i’m sympathetic to that. i understand the confusion and frustration, i’m right there with them.

HOWEVER, because she’s annoyed/mad/whatever she gives me attitude all day yesterday and is flagrantly disrespectful. i’m her supervisor, regardless is someone upsets you, act professional.

but she doesn’t. we know that. or at least I DO. anyhow.. she’s mad. she’s pissed off right? she’s got an attitude. she sees the new schedule, she brings it to me in my office and asks if its the correct one for tomorrow WHICH SHE IS ON!!! let me make that clear. she was on. she asks if its correct, i’m in the middle of composing an email so i take a moment to respond ‘yes’ she huffs, storms off and goes “you know what? nevermind” i’m like.... okay?? i brush it off. i’ve been brushing off her poor attitude all damn day and i dont say A THING. BC I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND. IM SYMPATHETIC TO THAT. we all have bad days. we all get a little frustrated sometimes. we’re human, yeah?

yeah. right. ok.

so then like... carla is working the morning shift for nicole. both carla and nicole showed up. carla pitched a fit bc she came in and was already there and didnt want to go home so nicole was so sweet about it and said thats okay, she can work i understand. bc even though nicole is like half her age, she’s MATURE.

at this point i dont even understand why carla is so upset? she got to stay. she got the hours. she’ll be making the money. all is good right? WRONG.

when the next girl comes in for the afternoon shift, i over hear carla telling her about the mishap that happened that morning (yesterday) and my office is literally maybe 6-7 feet from the front desk so i can hear EVERYTHING that goes on. i mean this is my job. i’m pretty much in charge of making sure the office is running, our employees are happy, etc.

so yeah i over hear carla telling this girl that and i quote “yeah nicole came in this morning and the schedule was switched around and i stayed because i was already here. (then something unintelligible I cant make out bc her voice lowers) you know, it really pisses me off that this keeps happening.”

SHE SAID THIS. TO A NEW GIRL. MAKING ME, NICOLE, EVERYONE LOOK BAD EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED, NICOLE APOLOGIZED, I APOLOGIZED FOR THE MISHAP, IVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR THIS LADY TO PACIFY HER OR WORK WITH HER OR COMPENSATE HER.

so its so infuriating, disrespectful and really downright disgusting for her to trash me, my name, etc to someone. but you know what? I DONT SAY ANYTHING. I dont cause a scene. I go about my business and let it roll off my shoulders bc at this point I know if I say anything its just going to turn ugly and I’m in a professional setting. Sometimes its better to bite your tongue, hold your head up high and move the fuck on about your business.

NOW... oh now, we’re on today. carla is scheduled to work. she came into my office, confirmed it, she was FULLY AWARE OF THIS.

so nicole calls her 5 mins before shes scheduled to clock in and is politely like hey you on your way? and carla is like oh no i don’t work today.

BITCH! THE FUcK YOU MEAN????? WE CONFIRMED THIS LITERALLY!!!!!!!!

omg i cannot at this point i really cannot

but lets proceed... so carla. she’s like yeah i dont come in, tells nicole to check with me. nicole comes to me, i smh and just sigh and am like ok i’m sorry can you please call her back and tell her shes supposed to be here and if theres any issues, transfer the call to me. so nicole calls her, they’re talking, carla is being a cunt (sorry at this point you are) and so i talk to her and shes like you know, this is so frustrating i came in there i asked you if i was supposed to work and you said no (the other girl she trash talked to idk who to name her) and IM LIKE SITTING THERE GOING ????? WHEN????? TO MYSELF BC WE JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION

MY PATIENCE IS SO THIN, ITS NON EXISTENT AT THIS POINT IM OVER IT

IM TIRED

IM SO FUCKING TIRED AND SICK OF HAVING TO PICK UP THE SLACK AND DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF BC NO ONE CAN COME TO WORK, DO THEIR JOB AND GO HOME.

can i just make a point too that we make $12 an hour here. sometimes we are LITERALLY SO BORED we have nothing to do. we can read books or watch netflix if no one is around or i even have time to rp at times. so like THIS IS THE EASIEST JOB IN THE WORLD A FUCKING MONKEY could do it.

all you do is answer phones and transfer calls or send an email

its LITERALLY. THAT. FUCKING. SIMPLE????

so like i just dont get it

but back to the point... carla is arguing with me, basically saying my communication sucks, i’m unprofessional (which is laughable but ok) etc...

and i just cant hold it in anymore?? and i’m like well carla, i’m sorry you feel that way and i understand where you’re coming from but i don’t appreciate that you were disrespectful yesterday, you told (new girl) that you were pissed off about what happened and proceeded to talk about me in a really unsatisfactory way.

and she WANTED TO TRY AND SAY THAT THIS WAS A DEFAMATION TO HER CHARACTER. WHEN SHE FUCKING SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!! i mean you can’t but if you were to ask anyone i know i have freakishly good hearing and it gets on my family’s nerves all the time bc i need quiet when writing and i have to beg them to turn their tvs down low just so i can concentrate.

I FUcKIng HEARD THESE EXACT WORDS COME OUT OF HER MOUTH!!!! and she wants to sit here and say that i’m defaming her character.

NO BITCH. Im repeating what I fucking heard you say!!!

why would i make that up? why??? how does that benefit me in any way??? what does that do for me???? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! i’m not benefitting from anything here.

in addition when talking to her on the phone i bring up the fact that she brought the schedule to me (the correct one which SHE IS ON) and asked me to verify if it was correct. but then proceeds to say in the same breath (contradicting herself) that she’s going off the old one????? like okay????? but you’re wrong?? SHE EVEN SAYS ITS AN OVERSIGHT ON HER CHARACTER, SHE ALREADY MADE PLANS YADDY YADA, SHE CANT COME IN TODAY

moral of the story is... she’s dumb. she’s a fucking cunt. and i hate people who try to spin things and victim blame and tell you you’re defaming their character when you call them out on something real they actually said because they’re scared little pussies and can’t just admit its what they fucking said.

yo i’d have a lot more respect for you if you just admit it. i’m not even mad??? i dont give a fuck what you think or feel about me. when i leave here every day i dont come home and cry about work or how people feel about me there.

work me is different from real me. I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. CARE. work people do not know me on a real level only a professional one. i am here to do a job, to make money, to pay bills, to LIVE. i am not here to fret over the opinions of people who do not follow me home, who do not know the real me. WHO. DO. NOT. FUCKING. MATTER.

POINT FUCKING BLANK.

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE

like seriously?? GOD FUCK! i’m so angry.

if you read all of this, like thanks for letting me vent to a total stranger lmao you’re a real one, may you be blessed today and always.

onto that note... i gotta get back to work. (lmfao fucking irony at its finest)

#im not even gonna read over this #its raw #its real #what the fuck ever

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b0yfr1end · 5 years

Note

you and dio for the domesticity meme???

1. big spoon/little spoon?

dio is DEFINITELY the big spoon most times, while im the little spoon.

2. favorite non-sexual activity?

READING AND CUDDLES BABYEEEEE WE CAN DO THAT SHIT ALL FUCKING DAY JUST READING THROIGH BOOKS IN HIS LIBRARY.

3. who uses all the hot water?

dio draws bigass extravagant baths, like, twice a day and wastes the hot water so fast and it makes me BIG mad. >:(

4. most trivial thing they fight over?

dio and i have stupid ass arguments over stuff that happens in films and books, and it's usually not over the plot or meaning but instead about a singular character that didn't even really contribute much???? but we're just going AT it about their significance to the storyline n shit.

5. who does most of the cleaning?

i feel like we do an equal amount of cleaning, but i might do more??? idk!

6. who has a season pass on the drv/who controls the netflix queue?

when dio found out about netflix (and the username+password to my account), it was OVER because he had FULL control over it. i would come back to the mansion in the evening and he fucked up my entire algorithm while i was gone.

7. who calls up the super/landlord when the heat isn't working.

BOTH OF US!!!! dio would definitely be more in charge of the call bc Big Boy but we're both really sensitive to temperatures and if it's cold we will KILL you.

8. who steals the blankets?

me. >:3 but he won't do anything to my spoiled ass, he just lets it happen most times.

9. who leaves their stuff around?

me. 3: i dont mean to do it, i just get really caught up in something and forget about hanging up my coat or putting my bag somewhere safe.

10. who remembers to buy the milk?

dio!!! since i shop during the day, dio cant come with, so he ends up calling me (when i taught him about cellphones), and checks up on me so that i remembered everything on the list.

11. who remembers the anniversaries?

definitely dio. he's super romantic and sentimental about stuff like that to his lover, so he's always surprising me with anniversaries over really little things; our first kiss, our first date, our first cuddle session as a couple... it's really sweet.

12. who cooks normally?

ME. i am the ONLY one allowed to cook in this fucking household, dio is NOT allowed in the kitchen.

13. how often do they fight?

i feel like we usually don't fight but just try to defuse it and come to an understanding point, but sometimes dio's anger and aggression gets the best of him and we'll get into huge fights. but that's rare.

14. what do they do when they're away from each other?

ever since he's gotten a cellphone (courtesy of me), he'll write me just PARAGRAPHS upon PARAGRAPHS of texts for a love letter while im out, or hes out, for business. it makes me melt. i also make sure to send him voicemails/calls and just talk to him; sometimes i dont sleep well while away from home, so i call him to listen to his voice until i drift off.

15. nicknames for each other?

dio: darling, dearest, prince.

me: pumpkin, lemon pie, hunbun/honey bunny, baby.

16. who is more likely to pay for dinner?

oh, dio would never let me pay. he's gonna pay for all of our outings.

17. who steals the covers at night?

dios bigass self would TOTALLY steal the covers, intentional or not.

18. what would they get each other for gifts?

i do more handmade or small, yet symbolically significant gifts for dio, and dio goes ALL out with gifts. i bake him pies, and he gives me a hundred roses and silk shirts.

19. who kissed who first?

surprisingly? i did! this wasnt any other person for dio, he actually told me at some point that he just feels absolutely enamoured by my very presence; so much so that he found himself frozen and flustered when he tried to kiss me, so i had to finish it!

20. who made the first move?

dio! though he later found it hard to make moves, he definitely made the first one out of the sheer curiosity as to why he felt a certain way towards me, of all people.

21. who remembers things?

dio. 100% dio.

22. who started the relationship?

dio! i got too shy to ask him out and he ended up having to do it.

23. who cusses more?

ME.

24. what would they do if the other was hurt?

dio would go fucking BALLISTIC; if it was something minor, like cutting myself on a knife or burning myself while cooking, he would make me stop immediately and treat it as quickly as possible, treating me like i was coming down with a deadly illness. if it was something major, like an enemy stand user... yikes!

i, on the other hand, would probably freak out, but dio wouldn't let me do much to help him just because he knows it's gonna heal like it never happened. an enemy stand user, though, i would DEFINITELY pummel, no ifs ands or buts.

#nougatships #ily nougat... <3 #long post #vamps are back in town #💛🍷 dio brando

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skizmin · 6 years

Text

Ravenclaw Seungmin

(my sweet sunshine i hope i can do you justice)

Genre: fluffy as FUCC yo, seungmin is a precious baby, he’s book smart then falls in love and has nO fuckin idea what to do, ugh hes so cUTe, confident til you (my lovely gender neutral reader) come along type shit lmao sue me

Words: 6330 holy shit

A/N: alrighty so i put some more effort into this one bc apparently yall didnt appreciate my woojin one (lookin at you you well rested hoes) and yeah. for the love of coke please stop sleeping on woojin and seungmin it hurts my heart.

this all sorta starts in the middle of exam season

seungmin is lowkey stressed

okay possibly highkey stressed

especially when his friend hyunjin drags him out of the study hall to go see some quidditch game

“hyunjin seriously i need to study”

but hyunjins carrying seungmin over his shoulder screaming about something called stress relief and fun

but anyway, here seungmin is in the stands very begrudgingly

thinkin about that lil song he made to remember how to pronounce that one pet hair expelling spell lmao

when he sees you

he knows you of course, always coming extremely close to his top mark in all his classes

once, in second year, you even beat him in defence against the dark arts which seungmin felt a bit down about for 3 weeks but also he knew you had an immense interest in jinxed plants which was the topic of half of the test

rip seungmin

anyway, he’d always sorta just ignored thinking about you unless it was his competitive side coming out

for real once he almost gave up studying for a divination in class essay but was reminded you were in that class and just nYOOMED to finish his final draft

he only ever really thought about school anyway, much to the dismay of his friends who for once just wanted to get to know him more and take him out to hogsmeade or something

okay so anyway, hes in the stands and he sees you

he doesnt exect you to be there lol like

you study just as much as he does, right?

not only are you there, but you arent even watching the game

youre in it

seungmin chokes on his motherfuckin pumpkin juice

hes all

W-WHAT

NO WHAT

HOW

hyunjin looks at him like wtf bro

seungmins just

“Y/NS IN THE QUIDDITCH TEAM? BITCH? WHAT??”

hyunjins like what???? ohhhh y/n?? dude theyre like one of the best chasers in the damn school

seungmin just looks from hyunjin to you (trying to intercept a pass from the other team) with wide eyes

“seungmin why do you look so shocked? do you know them?”

“yeAH THEYRE THE ONE THAT BEAT ME ON THAT TEST ONCE”

“hmm? what in second year??? dude you have GOT to let that go.”

but by now seungmins not even paying attention to hyunjin, he’s watching you speed past with the quaffle and scoring almost effortlessly

seungmin had never really paid much attention to quidditch. now much at all

aside from happily congratulating his friends on their most recent win and smiling brightly along with jisung when he begins screaming about the new chudley cannons line up

seungmin never really followed the world cup or anything

he simply decided when he was sorted into ravenclaw that he would dedicate himself to his studies

and he struggled to get the grades he does even though felix’s favourite thing to say to him was “all you do is study”

but he was proud of his grades

seungmin never really paid much attention to quidditch

but now? watching you?

your house colours billowing behind you as you smiled to a teammate, listening to their instructions on your next course of action.

he was mesmerised

wholly?? fully?? mesmerised??

he didnt know why but his heart sort of ached

he thought, why would he feel like this?

he understood though that he simply felt completely and utterly inferior to you

hes fine with being inferior to you in terms of quidditch, he doesnt play quidditch

rarely has flown a broom actually, unless necessary

but in terms of school work?

he genuinely set his soul to do that

he’s wholly dedicated to studying to achieve the almost record grades he has

and you?

you were right behind him

dont get him wrong, he doesnt think you dont deserve it, not at all. he would never say someone doesnt deserve recognition for their hard earned work.

he was upset because, honestly?

he saw how often his friends practised their quidditch skills. the team practise, individual practise, game plans, codes, flying methods, opponent studies

all of it

it was very nearly the same amount of time he spent studying.

and his friends?

he remembers the time his friends minho a few years back struggled to scrape by a pass due to his commitment to the sport. even with copious amounts of tutoring that drove him into the early hours of the morning so often

the stress ate away at him. it was a particularly busy year for slytherins team and he was on high demand. the lack of interest in school kicked in after his grades began dropping

it wasnt a good time, not a good thing to witness. eventually he passed purely on all nighters full of cramming before exams

all his quidditch playing friends struggled to get above average in their grades, no matter how enthusiastic they were about learning and magic

how did you, who was on par with their skill, manage to follow so closely behind him whilst studying?

of course, he was prefect, but that consisted of simply once a week meetings and helping younger students with school related things. sometimes an odd counselling session here and there and some advice on how to handle situations

but that took up rarely any of his time

not nearly as much as quidditch would

he felt sort of empty, like he had lost some kind of purpose.

how was he going to deal with this? how was he going to deal with the fact that you were so so so far above him in all ways possible? the one thing he fully applies himself to is now meaningless to him

he wants to be better

“minnie?? the games over. y/ns team won.” hyunjin called from beside him, nudging him with his shoulder

“ah, right.”

hyunjin furrowed his brows at seungmins down attitude but shrugged it off because

it be like that sometimes

ya’know??????

fast forward to one week later and seungmins friends were getting increasingly more worried. why?

his usually immaculate notes were empty, he went straight to bed instead of studying (yet the bags under his eyes were dark and prominent. one of his dormmates reports to jisung that he has been sleeping quite fitfully.), he sat for hours on the weekend in the study hall tapping his quill on the table but his paper remained blank

hell, he hadnt even borrowed a new book from the library after finishing his most recent read

it was at this point jeongin forced hyunjin to confront seungmin about it

“so uh, whats up?”

“huh? oh nothing just chilling.”

“no i mean recently, youre acting odd.”

“o-oh?? (worm)”

“yeah, so you okay??”

“definitely, just busy sorting something out.”

hyunjin smiled and left seungmin be at that

seungmin realised that was the last straw, he was going to do something about how this affected him

so the next day, after classes ended, seungmin made his way to the library. after that he walked down to hagrid’s, their groundskeeper and teacher of magical creatures’, hut. then after that he walked up to the hospital wing.

when he returned to the great hall and jisung asked him where he had been, he just smiled and shook his head

what had be been doing?

volunteering.

volunteering to help at the library and help madam pince 5 nights a week every fortnight, volunteering to help hagrid tend to the animals and feed them and give them exercise every sunday, and finally, volunteering to run errands for madam pomfrey for 5 nights every other week and to tend to small injuries that can be handled with a simple muggle first aid kit if thats what the student would like

anyway once his friends found out what he had done they were very happy!! and confused??

and also worried

seungmin had aways had this habit of overworking himself

,,,,

okay so 3 weeks later he was in the library volunteering

pushing a trolley full of misplaced books up the isle while yawning widely

he thought he was doing pretty well. he was more than confident on the two exams that had passed during the time he spent volunteering n stuff

he walked along, still yawning occasionally, blaming it on the warm cozy feeling of the library late at night

but he jumped as he felt a tap on his shoulder and whipping his head around so fast his neck couldve snapped off

and then he saw you, looking nervous as you twisted your fingers together in front of you

he swore he couldve melted right then and there

wait?????? what???????

“u-uh, hey! um. yeah madam pince she-, she told me to ask you. ask you where to find a b-book that is! ha. haha.”

seungmin watched as your face got red and his heart sorta swelled?????

“oh! u-uh yeah! sure! which book?”

you smiled at him widely, relieved you hadnt asked the wrong person. “magical mediterranean water plants and their properties???”

seungmins heart stuttered

he had never really paid much attention to you before he saw you on the quidditch pitch, thinking of you purely as competition. but recently

god, recently he couldnt stop thinking about you. your face. your smile. your laugh, remembering the rare times you would joke around in class.

was this what it was like to have you smile at him?

he would fetch you 1000 books if he got to see 1000 of those smiles

oh my oh my was his heart beginning to beat faster and faster

“o-okay, uh- follow me?” he turned around quickly and began walking. he’d memorised the library way before volunteering anyway, madam pince getting sick of him asking where books were every second day

he walked up 3 isles and turned right, walking up the middle before tugging out his wand from his robes and softly flourishing his wand

from a high shelf, a black leather book floating down gently, seungmin extended his hand to grab it before passing it to you, cheeks red

“is this it?” seungmin already knew that was the book you were looking for. he read it last term to jog his memory before a herbology test

fUCK THERE WAS A HERBOLOGY TEST COMING UP RIP SEUNGMIN

anyway

“yeah!! seungmin, right? thank you so much.” you shyly smiled at him

“u-uh yeah!! just um, ask me for help if you need it and you see me. y/n, right?” god his brain was a mess

“of course!! well, i’ll see you around yeah??”

seungmin nodded, cheeks getting slightly redder

and with that you walked away, cheeks equally as red as seungmins and hands clasping tightly around the book he got for you

anyway, in the next week you and seungmin sometimes exchanged small smiles and waves but nothing more

you highkey wanted to talk to him but you were too shy so

it was okay bc he was shy too so

but anyway, you had been in your care of magical creatures class, talking to your professor as you attempted to befriend a porlock

(a small horse guardian thing that doesnt quite trust humans)

anyway, simply you got onto the topic of how hagrid could possibly look after all his creatures constantly to which he replied with a smile and

“well theres a ravenclaw boy that helps me now. seungmin. do you know him? he helps me care for all of them every sunday.”

you furrowed your brows, it couldnt possibly be

“kim seungmin?” you questioned

“thats the one!”

you smiled, saying you knew him before getting lost in your own thoughts.

didnt seungmin already volunteer at the library? maybe that was a one time thing. right????

surely he wouldnt be volunteering at two places at once. thats impossible

not with his grades, he couldnt possibly keep up. how much overworking would that be?

you were taking out of you thoughts with a sharp stinging pain on your wrist

you looked down to see your porlock obviously angry and trying to escape the calming hold you had on him

hagrid noticed you gasp and his eyes widened as he saw the blood trickling down your arm

“oh no! are you alright????”

“i’m fine! just got bitten is all.”

“here let me take the porlock, you should get yourself to the hospital wing. the last period bell is gonna go anyway so take your bag too”

you were stunned at your professor being so panicked

“im sorry its just ive filled out three incident reports in the last week”

you laughed, tugging your satchel over your shoulder and holding your wrist with your free hand to stop the bleeding somewhat

you greeted you friends goodbye before climbing up the grassy hill to hogwarts on your way to the hospital wing

as soon as you reached the castle, chimes came loudly from the bell tower above

you groaned, you knew you had quidditch practise in half an hour so you began to speed walk through the halls that were filling quickly with students

reaching the hospital wing you pushed the big oak door open, searching around for madam pomfrey

“excuse me?”

madam pomfrey popped out from behind her desk

“oh! y/l/n! im just about to head out on an emergency. some kid ate sat on a firework from that pesky store. is it serious?”

“uhhhhh, no?? i can patch myself up.” you smiled at the frantic nurse

she nodded and walked passed you, calling out as she rushed through the door in a hurry

“the kits on my desk! and if kim seungmin shows up tell him i dont have anything for him to do!”

you smiled quickly to her before she was gone

wait a minute? seungmin? what would he be doing here???

anyway, you walk up to her desk and drag out the first aid kit

you knew how to use a first aid kit

you were Cultured

anyway you were looking for something to dress your arm, you found a big ol’ dressing with all that sticky shit

bitch yes

anyway as you were struggling to open the dressing up, the gigantic oak door opened suddenly and you almost dropped the dressing you were holding to see a panting seungmin

your eyes widened as he crouched over and spoke

“madam- madam pomfrey im so” large breath in “sorry im late i just-” another pant “a student asked me where vectors office was and-”

he finally stood up, eyes widening when he saw you

“o-oh! y/n? whatre you doing here??”

“uh, porlock.” you replied dumbly. not thinking enough to elaborate bc wow kim seungmin was right there looking gorgeous n shit

“porlock?????? the animal??????” he furrowed his brows

you nodded and suddenly remembered what the nurse had told you

“oh! uh, madam pomfrey is out right now but she said theres um,,, nothing for you to do???” you asked him, sounding unsure to whether or not you heard her correctly

seungmin furrowed his brows “o-oh.”

you looked away, and began fumbling with your dressing and spoke up again “do you help out here too?”

“uhhh. yeah, i do.” he replied somewhat awkwardly

“hagrid said you help him as well. do you get any rest?” you asking, sounding exasperated

but like,,,

low key lmao

“oh uh. yeah i try my best i guess.” he sounded so??? nervous???

“wait! y/n, let me do that. its what im supposed to be doing anyway” seungmin sheepishly says as he walked up to you

oh god what now???????? uh???????? seungmin very possibly touching you and being that close??????? uh??? a bitch is scared for their health but shhhhh

“n-no! its fine!” you mumbled back, suddenly very shy under seungmins gaze

“y/n you cant even get it open, not to mention your arm and hand are still covered in blood.”

he had a point

“oh. right.”

seungmin moved you over to one side of the table as he pulled out a bowl and a washcloth from one of the cabinets next to it.

he mumbled a soft aguamenti, creating water from his wand into the bowl, smiling in accomplishment

then he dipped half of the cloth into the water and wrenched it to get the excess water out

“can i uh- can u have your arm??” he stuttered, suddenly realising how close you were, cheeks dusting pink

you held your arm up for him and he started wiping at the blood on your skin, you didnt actually mind the cool feeling of the water at all.

you decided to use the awkward silence to have a little conversation with him

“why do you volunteer so much?” you questioned

seungmins movements halted for a second before he started cleaning your arm again

“no particular r-reason. i-, i like it?” he replied, not meeting your eyes

“why do you sound so unsure?” your pried, wondering why exactly the question was difficult for him

“im not unsure!” he assured you, taking a glance at your face finally before dumping the cloth in the water because he was done

“alright i guess”

“i uh,” he started whilst ripping open he package to the dressing, “i didnt know you played quidditch.”

you were surprised by this, everyone knew you played quidditch

“oh! really?? i thought it was obvious.”

he began placing the dressing on your wrist, trying to make sure there was no crinkles in the plastic sticky part

(yes i dont know the actual term for it fucking SUE ME)

“ah, i dont really pay attention to quidditch so.”

“oh. how’d you find out then?” you were curious as to how he knew if he barely knew you and didnt even like quidditch

“hwang hyunjin, you might know him, hes in our year. anyway he dragged me out to watch and you were playing so.”

“ah right. hyunjin’s the slytherin right?”

“yup!”

cue: silence

seungmin was smoothing out the dressing on your wrist

“y-your robes...” seungmin started, picking up his wand from the desk and mumbling a short “tergeo”

suddenly your robes grew warm and the blood siphoned off of them cleanly into seungmins wand

you were now comfortably warn in your robes as you went to pull your sleeve down before seungmin stopped you gently with his hand, checking the dressing was on properly one last time

you shivered at the feeling of his cold fingers, and decided to return the favour of hhim helping you

pulling out your wand, you muttered a soft incantation of a heat charm, pointing your wand over seungmins hands that adorned a pink hue due to the cold of the water earlier

“oh my god thank you” seungmin practically groaned, rubbing his hands together in front of your wand

you laughed quietly at him, finding his satisfaction amusing before he looked up to your face and realised, blushing a deep shade of pink

okay imma keep it real with you chief

you liked seungmin a lot

idk he just??? made you feel so giddy. your stomach like,,, dipped when he smiled at you n stuff

i mean you werent the only one,, there were heaps of people in your year that fawned over the smart boy. hard-workers are always the most popular like come on

but you sorta just knew there was no chance between the two of you and you were perfectly happy being friends with the boy. his friends always hyped him up a bunch like he was some kind of god

you definitely agreed he was good company, even when you two werent necessarily comfortable around each other yet

but anyway, seeing him standing there blushing in front of you made you uwu SO HARD

and you were glad he knew you from something you loved, that being quidditch

wait

fuCK QUIDDITCH PRACTISE YOU ALMOST FORGOT

“seungmin!! im so sorry i have to go!! i have inter house practise!!”

seungmin’s eyes widened a little

i mean yeah you had to go to practise but like also

that was the first time???????? you’d said his name to him???????? excluding the time you asked him if it was in fact his name but like

oh my god seungmins blush got even darker because he didnt know he could like how someone said his name but he definitely likes him name 20 times more when youre saying it and and youre smiling and running out of the infirmary and waving to him and its all too much like his heart rn??? dead. his brain??? he doesnt know her, it turned to mush

seungmin walked over to one of the beds in the hospital wing and sat down, sighing

he was so fucked

,,,,,,,,

“you’re friends with kim seungmin right?” you questioned jisung as you waited for the rest of the schools quidditch players to exit the change rooms

“yeah!! we’re close actually. why?”

jisung was always so excitable and held such confidence in everything he did, he was comfortable to talk to

“oh nothing, i just ran into him at the hospital wing is all”

“hospital wing? he’s still volunteering there??”

you furrowed your brows, “yeah??? is something wrong????”

jisung sighed, scuffing his boot along the grass of the slowly filling pitch and tossing his bat up into the air before catching it nonchalantly (imagine being That Cool)

“yeah. he’s been overworking himself way too much lately. he used to only focus on studying but he’s trying to fit in all this helping staff out and he looks so tired all the time.”

looking back you do remember seungmins hair being a bit more dishevelled than usual, and under his eyes was a little bit darker

“why though? i mean its nice he is but like, he doesnt need to?”

jisung nods thoroughly at you

“thats what we all said! he wont tell us why he’s had this sudden change in heart though.” jisung pouted and you laughed lightheartedly at him

“oh well, he’ll come around right?”

,,,,

he didnt

its been 3 weeks since your conversation with jisung and you can guarantee seungmin was overworking himself to the max

he came into astronomy studies late and ended up falling asleep the other day. it was one of the easier classes to fall asleep in of course due to the whole jinxing the ceiling to look like a nights sky in a dark room n stuff but like still

seungmin never was late to class

seungmin never fell asleep in class

lately youve noticed him turning up to morning classes barely on time, tie askew and hair a complete mess

you’d find it cute if you werent worried for his health

okay you did find it cute but YoU weRe sTiLL WoRRieD

anyway, so it was one day in herbology theory when he fell asleep again

sprout wasnt too happy but let him sleep anyway bc like. if you can sleep through her basically screaming explanations to the class due to her half deafness than yeah, you probably needed it

at the end of the class you packed your things and saw seungmin still peacefully sleeping at his desk and you frowned lightly

so you decided to let him sleep but you sat at your table for a while, using spare parchment and a scribing spell to copy your notes for him

after it was completed, you left it on the table next to him with a bottle of pumpkin juice you were saving for later, your eyebrows still furrowed

why was he overworking himself?

sighing, you just left, deciding it was creepy to be there for so long

anyway, that night you went to the library to find a book you needed for your ancient runes course test

you didnt really expect anyone to be there so late (it was almost curfew, you were forgetful)

and it sorta slipped your mind that seungmin volunteered there until

“need help?”

holy fUCK he scared you like boy you cant go sneakin up on people in an almost empty library and speak loudly like that

anyway so you violently flinched away and he started laughing whilst apologising profusely

you smiled bc he was cute adalsfafrfpi;fef seungmin omg stop

but yeah once he was done, he reiterated “sorry, but is there any book youre looking for?”

“uhhhhh yeah, ancient runes made easy??” you sorta felt dumb saying it out loud but oh well, you needed to pass this test

“follow me then!” seungmin led you out of the tall shelves confines to the middle corridor before delving into another set of shelves, this time he didnt pull out his wand to get the book down, instead he simply reached up and plucked it from the shelf

“here you go!” he handed it to you, it was indeed the book you were looking for and it was in mint condition. not surprising as basically no one took the ancient runes elective rip

you mumbled a thanks, cheeks sorta going a bit red as you stared at your feet because like

kim seungmin

(thats a phat mood btw)

“oh! i almost forgot!” seungmin started, dipping his head down a bit to try and catch your eyes. when you looked up, he smiled

“uh, thanks for what you did today. you know, the notes a-and the pumpkin juice and stuff.”

you watched seungmins cheeks get pinker as he went on

you were full on uwuing at this point

“its okay! really!” you blurted out like omgkimseungministhankingme

suddenly it fell into an almost awkward silence between the two of you

shoes shuffling on the ground and cheeks red

“um, what do you need help with in ancient runes? im all caught up. i could explain something if you want?”

and thats how you ended up on one of the large library tables after curfew with special permission from madam pince

seungmin legit took 15 minutes to explain some stuff to you but now yall were just chillin (in cedar rapids)

you began talking about nothing in particular really

seungmin asked about your quidditch, you asked about his volunteering which he brushed off almost immediately

seungmin and you felt like time didnt exist as you kept talking and talking

you subconsciously moved closer to each other until your thighs were touching

seungmins speech had slowed into a comforting lazy slurring of words, his voice getting heavier with the need for sleep. you felt the same though

his eyes stayed intently on you, even with his cheek in his hand as the conversation slowed to a pleasant silence

you yawned, a hand coming to your face. you knew you should go to bed but you didnt really want to at this point

you looked at seungmin to see him softly smiling at you and your heartbeat picked up. your obvious feelings for him going crazy

“youre really pretty y/n” he mumbled lowly, you almost didnt hear him

of how you wished you didnt hear him because now you were a mess, heart thumping in your chest and red creeping up your neck to your face

how do you reply to that? you were stumped for words honestly

seungmin didnt seem to mind though as he smiled wider, sitting up straight and stretching his arms over his head

“wait here, ill go put out the lamps and we can walk back”

you barely nodded, face still red as seungmin climbed from his seat to wander around, blowing out the candles lighting the library

on your walk back, it was silent. it was comfortable though and seungmin didnt seem to mind your lack of response to his compliment that still had your mind reeling

seungmin waved bye to you as you parted ways, smiles on your faces

seungmin didnt study when he got into his dorm room, falling face first onto his bed and falling into a deep sleep almost immediately

,,,,

waking up, seungmin first realised he was late, only 30 minutes of breakfast left

and then, the memories of seeing you last night flooded it

mid throwing his covers off of his body, he groaned loudly, how on earth had he said that

his cheeks got red just thinking about it

this was a crisis. he dragged on his uniform and grabbed his satchel and sprinted the whole way to the great hall

once he made it, he spotted his friends at the hufflepuff table and dashed to them

“i have a problem”

jisung, hyunjin and jeongin looked up towards seungmin

“what is it?” jeongin asked, eyes lighting up with curiosity. oh did he love seeing his friends suffer

“so i was in the library with y/n last night”

“waiT Y/N THE ONE YOU” hyunjin started before jisung harshly elbowed him in the side

seungmin loves jisung

“yes, shut up hyunjin. anyway i was really tired and not thinking straight and i called them pretty and they didnt even respond im so ashamed”

jeongin started laughing, hyunjin smiling along whilst rubbing the sore spot of his side

seungmin groans and stomps his foot, not happy with the lack of support from his friends

jisung tosses him a sympathetic look, “your problem man, i cant really help.”

seungmin pouts but sits down to eat anyway

,,,,,

okay so its been 3 days and seungmins worried

like seriously

whenever he tries to talk to you your eyes just widen and you walk to other way before he can even get a word out

whenever he passes you in class or in the hallways, he prepares a smile only to be met with you ducking your head to look at the ground as you speed past him

his small waves in class seemingly go unnoticed

but he knows you dont hate him

how? simple. youre still leaving him notes and treats every time he falls asleep in class

so what does he do? like any other desperately in need boy he hatches a plan.

today last period you both share astrology. he’s simply fake falling asleep and confront you whilst you left him the classes notes

seungmins game plan didnt really work tho bc he actually fell asleep like a dumbass

it was last period astrology and seungmin was lying on his books, passed out

the bell rang and you went through your normal routine, copying your notes which included your immaculately drawn sketches of the constellations you’d studied that day

you waked over to his desk and placed them next to his head, the corner of a page accidentally bushing his nose and you like,,, froze

bc he twitched and scrunched his nose up which wouldve been so cute if you werent terrified of him waking up

you put down a cauldron cake as well once he went back to looking peaceful and frowned bc

“seungmin why don’t you rest more?” you whispered

he exhaled deeply in his sleep and a piece of hair fell into his face, subconsciously you went to brush it away and carded your fingers ever so lightly through his hair

but then you halted bc like

wtf thats super creepy

you quickly turned to leave b-but uwu cliche

seungmin grabbed at your wrist yO SEUNGMINS DAINTY ASS FINGERS CURLING THEMSELVES AROUND YOUR WRIST IMAGINE

anyway

you squeaked and turned back around bc wtf it scared you

and seungmin was just sitting up now, arm outstretched grabbing onto yours, eyes wide and hair a fucking cute mess

you were like uhhhhhhhashlfbfkacbsdcbigev

“uh, dont run away, please?” seungmin said, super duper shyly aw hes so CUTE

you like just,,,, shakily nodded at him

seungmin smiled lightly and let go of you, climbing out of his set in lightning speed to stand in front of you

“i uh-, i just wanted to ask why you’ve been avoiding m-me i guess” seungmin started and you cringed

bc this was hella awkward like no

seungmin cut you off before you could say anything tho with a

“bc like if its because i called you pretty and stuff im so so so sorry i didnt mean to make you uncomfortable at all and i feel really bad bc i shouldnt have said it and i was really tired and my judgement wasnt the best and i accidentally made things awkward between us and i dont want that and i just feel really really bad like you dont even have to forgive me or anything i swear”

he said all that in like, under 15 seconds. eminem who???

anyway your eyes just went wide as you processed his words n n you lowkey got a bit emo when he said he said it bc he was tired n stuff n just :^((

“why dont you get enough rest seungmin?” you said blankly

“w-what?” seungmins heart rate SKY ROCKETED

“why dont you get enough rest?”

“uh-, i just um,,, i do get e-enough rest!” he was like, nervously laughing

“no you dont, you fall asleep in 40 percent of your classes.”

“i-, i uh-” “why can’t you tell me??” you questioned, eyebrows furrowing at his anxiousness towards the question

“its uh-, its sorta embarrassing” he replied, looking ANYWHERE but your eyes

“is it bad? did you get into trouble or something?”

“nO! god no!”

“then it doesnt sound that bad to me.” oooh go y/n hold ur ground bub

“uhhhh” seungmin sighed, defeated “okay ill tell you.” you just hummed in response and waited patiently

he exhaled loudly and stared blatanly at your feet before beginning

“i uh. you play quidditch really well and- and you also get near all my scores on tests and stuff and i just felt. idk, dumb or something so i wanted to prove to myself that i could do extra curricular sort of stuff like volunteering and still g-get top scores i guess.”

once he finished he looked into your eyes and you were like ????? what the fuck

you were so confused,,, he was volunteering bc you played quidditch and got good scores???

“seungmin i dont work nearly as hard as you do”

his eyes widened “what do you mean! yes you do! you’re like, on par with jisung and he practises religiously!”

you laughed a little and seungmin furrowed his brows

“seungmin, jisung is muggleborn. whereas my older sister is captain of the tutshill tornados. i dont need to train that hard in quidditch” oh seungmin

the pooor boy

after you made that comment seungmins face just went BRIGHT red lmao

“uhhhhh,,, uh,, uhhh” he didnt know what to say

“anyway seungmin, i suggest you take a break and get some rest so you dont keep saying things accidentally” you said, adjusting your satchel strap on your shoulder and preparing to leave

“what?? acidentally???” seungmin said, preventing you from leaving “you don’t mean me calling you pretty right bc like. i meant that” okay but how was seungmin now so confident especially when he said that

“w-what?” you said, red going ALL over your face lmao like everywhere

“i meant it when i called you pretty i just. i know there was a better time to say it probably” seungmin started getting shyer now like his ears going red he was so cute

‘you think im pretty????????” you were so confused like. kim seungmin?? the kim seungin? thinking youre pretty??? you discreetly pinched yourself, checking this wasnt a dream

“d-dont say it so forwardly like that!” seungmin exclaimed

“you said it forwardly first!” you laughed back at him, ngl you were feeling a little giddy

seungmin just sorta sunk back into himself, feelin super duper shy

your face got even more red as words tumbled out of your mouth before your common sense could stop you

“f-for the record, i-, i think you’re pretty too”

oh my GOD

1) y/n sweetie thank you for telling seungmin this for all of us

2) yoU JUST CALLED SEUNGMIN PRETTY AND NOW HIS EYES WERE WIDE AS FUCK

HE SQUEAKED

HE MCFRICKIN SQUEAKED CAN YALL IMAGINE

he brought a hand up to his mouth in surprise and by this point you were like

too shy to do anything lmfao

so you sorta just looked down at your shoes bc wow all of a sudden your black leather school shoes were immensely and intricately beautiful

not

anyway there was a bit of silence as seungmin regained composure and you were way to embarrassed to say anything at all

but then

but thEN

get ready omg

you dont even notice but suddenly seungmins right in front of you and he’s leaning toward your face and and hes

hes kissED YOUR CHEEK

oh my GOD his cute ass lips just came in contact with your cheek, as quick as lightning but of my god it was worth it

your head whipped up and you gasped

seungmin stood there with an inCREDibly nervous look on his face and his eyes prompting you to respond

like,,,, in any way. pls y/n do something

your mind was fuzzy and the low swooping feeling in your stomach compelled you as you stepped impossibly closer to seungmin, yours and his cheeks radiating a magnificently bright red glow

and you kissed him

thanks again y/n for doing the world a good deed

you sorta squeaked afterwards and went to leap back bc seungmins face was suddenly too close and you were embarrassed and nervous and and

oh my god your heart was beating louder than ever jesus

but before you could leap back, seungmin was wrapping his arms tightly around you, hugging your body and preventing you from distancing yourself from him

his breathing was rapid as his mouth found home near your ear to stutter out a question that would make you squeal if it werent for the fear your legs might give out

“w-wanna go on a-, a date with me? maybe?”

as soon as seungmin felt you nod against him (you didnt trust your voice rn lmao) he smiled, easing into the hug more and essentially melting his heart with yours

uwu

hope you liked it!!!

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