#and yet. despite the fact that i've only read it once i can still quote parts of it word-perfect

[hannigramislife]

for my own gratification bc i just ran into nie mingjue hate in the wild, would you mind making a post that defends my poor good boy? he worked so hard and got gaslit to shit before getting murdered terribly ;; literally everyone sat there telling him "youre being too harsh" and he's just responding appropriately. like yeah, if you witness a murder, ya kinda got to do something about that as a clan leader. its kinda your responsibility, even when you care about the person who did the murdering. he was also a really young when he took on the role of clan leader and idk, it just made me rlly sad to see people dunk on him cuz wtf he's literally just trying his best in an impossible situation WHILE being perpetually fucked over by his clan's own traditional cultivation cuz now the stronger he is as a leader, the closer he is to going literally insane and dying bc of it. (mingjue did nothing wrong i will die on this hill) ((sorry for going on a tirade, im just sad and defensive of my good boy rn))

Oh no! I'm so sorry you had to go through Nie Mingjue hate! Truly tragic. I went through that once when in the beginning of me reading the books, when I still had no proper opinions, and never again.

I'm more than willing to make a post about Nie Mingjue! I'm always down to talk about Nie Mingjue tbh, he's my heart and love and if I were to have been given the opportunity to be his right hand person, I would have simply never betrayed his trust and married him. Rip Jin Guangyao but I'm different.

Anyways, I, huhhh, actually think you?? Covered it all??? Pretty much?? Yet I will talk about it. This will be long and non-coherent, because I don't have the books rn to find quotes in them and honestly, I could write essays on Nie Mingjue either way.

Nie Mingjue is a central piece of the narrative, despite the limited amount of appearances he made, and the fact that he wasn't close to the main characters at all. The entire second part of the plot revolves around him- it happened because of him. His murder is a tragedy; literally, by greek standards, man has Cassandra Curse all over him, so I don't get how people can tell me, confidently, that his death was warranted. I've been told the man had asked for it, and this has mostly been by Jin Guangyao apologists.

So let me make something real fucking clear.

Nie Mingjue did not deserve to die. Let's get that out of the way, anyone can fight me on that. Nie Mingjue had more good qualities than half the people in this fucking story, despite his flaws. After his father was brutally murdered when Mingjue was only in his teens, Nie Mingjue stepped up as clan leader. We can only speculate the hardships that await someone leading a clan at such an early age. Yet, political challenges weren't the only thing he had to battle; Nie Mingjue knew about his clan's harmful cultivation, and he knew he was going to die young. So what did he do? His best. Literally his best, always. He was always giving 100% of his abilities, because that's who he was.

Let's talk about who Nie Mingjue was, shall we?

When Jin Guangyao, still Meng Yao then, describes Nie Mingjue, he finds himself perplexed, because Nie Mingjue isn't like other men. He is not frivolous, and he has no vices; Meng Yao describes how Nie Mingjue never showed an interest in arts, or alcohol, or women. All he did was train, and fight the Wens during the war. It shows that he had a one-track mind from the start, and has got a strict discipline; yet this strictly disciplined man, leader of a clan that prizes strength, continuously indulges his lazy and undisciplined half-brother, his one and only heir, despite not understanding his interests. We gather, pretty quickly, that Nie Mingjue is a bleeding heart for his brother, and for the ones he loves in general. We see the same softer side displayed in the presence of Lan Xichen, and of course, for some time, Meng Yao.

People seem to think Nie Mingjue took Meng Yao's betrayal too harshly. As if somehow seeing a man he thought to have been just and honest commit premeditated murder, then cover it up, was something he was just supposed to get over. To this day, I can't believe how Lan Xichen was so understanding of it. But not only did Nie Mingjue catch him in a cowardly act - Meng Yao proceeds to manipulate him, using the fact that Nie Mingjue cared about him, to stab him in the back. Or front, however it happened. I get that Meng Yao was in a difficult position, that he suffered at the Jins, that he felt backed in a corner; but Nie Mingjue was a man that had extended his help to Meng Yao before, and even then, he went to find Meng Yao in righteous fury, ready to help him again. To Nie Mingjue, the idea that Meng Yao "had no other choice" but to kill - to kill in the manner he did - it could have been nothing but a betrayal.

One thing that I personally highly respected Nie Mingjue for was the fact that he did not judge Meng Yao for his background. This is not up for debate; Nie Mingjue stood up for him, quite publicly, quite vocally, when Meng Yao was being insulted over it. And not only that, but he promoted Meng Yao to be his right hand man, just like that. Because he's impulsive, and to prove a point, but it was still huge of him to do. Not even Lan Xichen would have done that - In a society built on power dynamics between social classes, Nie Mingjue was one of the few characters who did not let that define his actions. It wasn't because he was born privileged (though he was) but because he he didn't let anything other than his judgment direct his actions. Nie Mingjue also never shied away from anything; if it had to be done, he did it, no matter the cost.

Nie Mingjue was decisive, and had an iron will. When Meng Yao killed the Nie disciples in Qishan, he wanted to kill Meng Yao. Meng Yao told him, paraphrasing, that "don't you understand that if I hadn't done that, it would have been your corpse up there?" and Wei Wuxian takes it to mean "Translation: I saved you so you can't kill me, because that would mean you're in the wrong." So Nie Mingjue hesitated for a second, then said: "Fine! I'll kill you, and then take my own life!" And the only reason he didn't, was because Lan Xichen was there. Otherwise, Nie Mingjue would have killed his former friend, then followed him to whatever afterlife awaited.

Nie Mingjue is often portrayed like he doesn't understand stuff, like he's stupid, simply because of his black and white sense of morality. That's not correct: Nie Mingjue understands motive, but he doesn't accept the ends justifying the means. Scratch that, he doesn't accept or justify either, if they're unjust. The murder of the Jin commander, the murder of the Nie disciples, not executing Xue Yang - how can Nie Mingjue possibly understand Meng Yao's decisions, when Nie Mingjue would rather die, any day, than live thanks to vile actions?

And then, Nie Mingjue starts falling into qi-deviation. We know that it affected his temper the most, and his judgement. I don't understand how it works, really, so I don't know by the end how much was Nie Mingjue and how much was the mess that the spirit made of him - maybe a combination of the two. But what is certain, is that the rapid qi deviation changed him.

But I could write a hundred more pages on him, meticulously going over every single scene he has ever appeared in, because I find him that interesting. I find him the most interesting, and the most appealing character, because in a story where the navigation of the cultivation world's complex politics and hierarchies with tact and diplomacy is crucial, Nie Mingjue stands uncompromising in his principles, choosing duty and honor over anything else, even when it's hard.

#the untamed #mdzs #cql #mo dao zu shi #nie mingjue #nie mingjue had his flaws #and he had his virtues #i will not allow slander on his name #when he always did what he thought was best and just and good #when he was loving and kind and hot-headed but he was also just in his early 20s with the weight of the world on his shoulders #cold absolutely freezing day in hell when i'm over him

[viv-weylin]

Some thoughts about Shilo (and a lot of my thoughts about the aromantic reading of him)

Okay, so Shilo has been a character that's been spinning in my head pretty constantly. This isn't going to be organized but rather kind of just. Thoughts.

I see a lot of people interpret Shilo as a purely innocent person who has done no wrong wet cat, and yeah! He is! But the thing is, he's... done wrong. He's a vampire. There's something inherently evil in all vampires, and i believe this misconception stems from people not knowing the vtm lore. In VTM, all vampires have a beast inside of them, and this beast is inherently evil and cruel and animalistic, which is the part that forces vampires to feed. Shilo hasn't frenzied, he's never lost control of this beast but the fact he has one is enough to make him "not purely innocent", I'd argue he thinks he's innocent and hasn't done wrong but keep in mind he has zero hestitation throwing guards to die. He's indirectly killed several times, and that's not really something we can ignore when thinking about shilo.

He's also incredibly manipulative. He has no worries dominating or manipulating people for his own gain, and again, this comes from his sheltered life. This comes from him simply not knowing any better, but even then, this is a major flaw that i feel some people dont think about.

Shilo isn't rapunzel, Rapunzel isn't a killer, and she isn't manipulative with a disregard for people's lives. That is to say Shilo isn't pure evil, but rather, he's a morally grey character. He's killed, and he's manipulated, but you could argue that it came from a place of not knowing any better, but even then, he's still killed and manipulated. Do you see where the interesting moral dichotomy lies? Is he at fault for the evil he does if he doesn't know any better. I just dont like the "purely good" Shilo takes I've seen some people have.

The aromantic stuff:

I think it's rather well known I'm an aroace shilo truther (if im being honest, i have a distaste for armored pheasant to an extent, but that is not what this is about). I feel as if that's a rather crucial part of his character, and it's not unsubstantiated. He quite literally says he's incapable of having romantic feelings, and in the newest episode (i am not caught up, forgive me), I've heard there's more he says that hints towards this aromantic reading. He's had zero interest in romance, and the fact he was bloodbonded to Edward without his consent can have rather interesting implications that I believe could be expanded on. A lot of aromantics know that feeling of being told "I can fix you" or whatever and Shilo parallels it quite well with the experience he has had with Edward. Below is the quote where he says he's incapable of romantic love.

(This is my own personal opinion but I believe his character is also sort of dumbed down once someone ships him with Grefgore. A lot of people did from the get go, and I get and see the appeal but I also think they're better as friends but again, personal opinion and I don't care if you ship them but his character falls into the "only interesting for the shipping to the fandom" pit quite easily.)

There's something incredibly validating to have a character like Shilo, who's kind and silly and aromantic if that makes sense. Aromantic representation has been lackluster, and most representation is god awful (coughLovelesscough) so having Shilo would be really nice. He's not canon representation, yes. Unless Bizly straight up confirms it, it's just implied representation but come on. It's right there guys. Give us an aro win.

His character has a lot of interesting bits: a character who's only experience with the world is through media & book (hashtag autism), a character who's incredibly cruel yet kind, a character blind to his own flaws, an aromantic character who loves despite. Give me more morally grey Shilo, more guilty Shilo and most of all. More Aromantic Shilo.

#shilo bathory #shilo bathroy #jrwi #just roll with it #the suckening #jrwi the suckening #aromantic shilo bathory

[uhgood-girl]

i haven't had a chance to fully form this thought yet so bear with me while i explore my own brain but my immediate response to this is i think two things can be true at the same time.

this is me playing devil's advocate with both you and myself, tbh. if you do not enjoy borderline pedantic over thinking, i recommend you turn back now.

i watched the entirety of standing next to you with my jaw on the floor. beyond seeing jk in what i would consider to be the epitome of his element, the arrival of all that experience and hard work and raw talent finely honed, culminating in the absolute pop perfection that is both that song and performance... well, i've made a joke on here before about my brains inability at this stage to not insert jikook into things. i could maybe help it if i wanted to (i can stop at anytime, says the alcoholic 🥴) but i don't want to because i'm having fun and i've made friends with the brain worms. they're my brain worms, who are you take them from me.

i have also mentioned jikook being it's own form of pattern recognition drug for mine, obviously, and probably other's more neuro-spicy tendencies. once you have seen and unlocked the code, it's really hard to turn the goggles off.

so let's talk about patterns. what is a pattern? a pattern is lmao no, i'm kidding, i don't think i need to define this for you but i guess when i say pattern here i'm referring to what a lot of people often call coincidences. (have i lost you already bc of this word? i know people throw it around often here, but again, bear with me) coincidences can become patterns if they repeat enough. how many coincidences does it take to form a pattern? three, i believe, is the universally accepted number but that feels so small when i type it out, much less think about it, tbh. but i suppose in the discourse of coincidences, something that reoccurs without apparent connection, (traveling strangers who keep ending up in the same cities together, you and your friend always texting each other at the exact same time, two people in a band who keep mysteriously referencing things that connect them in a particular sort of light) bc of the unlikelieness of their serendipitous nature, it makes more sense. and because i want to discuss this in a more tangible form and i believe humans to be meddling by nature, i think coincidences become patterns, beyond the number three, when intent enters the equation.

was that a very long way to say that despite the fact that jk didn't write any of the lyrics himself and is quoted in the article above as telling people to not take things too literally that i'm still going to intuit some autobiographical meaning from them? well, yes. i guess so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

because ✨context✨(glass closet and comp het in particular). a context that i fully admit i am abscribing to the situation myself but if you're reading this i assume you're already in this boat with me, it's your context too, at least tangentially (GUILTY, your honor) by association. the entirety of any jikook argument has to exist in this space and to have gotten here at all required taking some liberties, a certain reading between the lines that is a tightrope of wanting to respect what someone says outloud and at face value while being aware few things are ever black and white (minus the infamous couple in question bah bum tiss 🥁).

if it feels different to you bc it's something he explicity expressed, that's totally fair. i've been back and forth about it a few times myself and maybe i'll feel differently tomorrow. but rn, this is where i'm at and this is all just spitballing at the end of the day, no?

in an attempt to not be accused of only picking and choosing the lyrics that suit my (gay) agenda, it feels worth pointing out that the lines i find applicable to jikook are not literal. as in while i fully believe jk could probably do anything he set his big, beautiful heart out to do, leaving someone's body golden like the sun and moon is unlikely. ( the jikook relevance is in it's choice, why that particular metaphor) and despite being more in the realm of possibility, i don't really believe he's fucking seven days a week either. his agreeance to the use of female pronouns in some songs and even the women in his music videos are a. the comp het standard for this worldwide pop boy takeover (inarguably) and b. don't automatically negate any potential underlying queerness of the artist himself. so when he sings she (is there even anything in the lyrics beyond the pronoun itself that could only refer to a cis woman? hell, does "she" only have to refer to a cis woman in this day and age? jimin is v in touch with his anima these days, don't kink shame :P) I'm taking that as an artistic liberty the same way I'm taking something like it's deeper than the rain. and the latter rain line only stands out to me because, again, broader context.

he didn't write any of the song lyrics but he was there for every step of the production and still approved what actually made it on to the album. he didn't write there for you, the song in gcf tokyo either but i dare you to go find a jikook argument about that video that doesn't list that song and its lyrics as evidence. he didn't write them but it's definitely something he cares about and is very aware of. i doubt anything was chosen without some degree of thought. which brings us full circle back to coincidences vs patterns and intent.

do i think the lyrics a lot of us collectively recognized as jikook coded, even if you respectfully don't want to read that far into it, were a coincidence this late in the game? ain't no way lmao. our jikook roads are paved with these sort of "coincidences." you think they weren't apart of the appeal? helped boost it right to main track status? maybe if it had just been the lyrics, without any of the imagery in the video (i would love to know how much creative direction he had here too, i hope we find out) to back it up, but between that not straight red line of fate, the black swan like wings, the dancing in front of the sun painting, the two households, both alike in dignity, in fair verona where we lay our scene aka the forbidden love vibes, etc. - it's too much for this sad little hyper-fixated romantic queer, personally lol.

so, i think two things can be true at the same time! i'm sure a lot of the songs and their implications have no autobiographical meaning to them beyond a universally relatable conversation and narrative about love, i do believe him. i think based on all the responses and feedback his first releases got, making a statement such as the one in the article was a good? pr move if nothing else too and definitely in line with what we have come to expect around an industry that bts is both sort of moving away from but still restricted by at this stage. if you've read any of my other ramblings so far on this site, you'll know i operate from a place of the more smoke screen around all this (this being a potential romantic relationship between jikook) the better, bc at the end of the day i want all of bts more than anything safe, happy, and free to pursue whatever creative fancy they can dream. them building a level of plausible deniability into this sort of stuff protects them. i will remain a broken record on that point.

but bc of the larger context of jikook as a whole and my belief that jk is both clever and also a romantic at heart, i'm going to take these crumbs and go. 🚗💨 i'm not in any sort of who can be the more superior, rational delulu competition, we're all in our own little clown cars no matter your chosen dressings until proven otherwise. that's the nature of this whole shebang, bby. 🤠👉👉

def feel free to come respectfully argue with me though, i'm never here to convince anyone but i enjoy these conversations and i love other people's perspective. are you ignoring the standing next to you jikook bait?

#jikook #kookmin #she's back at it again folks #got a taste of being loud and now doesn't know how to shut up #in this essay i

[yemmate]

I'm supposed to be writing right now but I want to say something that I tell myself. I hope it helps you too.

Art isn't just a hobby. It can be a job. It's not a perfect job, but it's still a job that makes you happy. Not many other career paths can say that. Warning: This is a tangent post made by an anarchist. If you don't want to read a long novel length ramble about why money is a corrupting construct and capitalism is made to break poor people move along.

I've noticed in my 21 years on this planet, nearing the 22 mark as spring approaches, that jobs are often given a value. If you're a doctor you've got a high quality job because you went to school, got a degree, and get paid a lot. But what about nurses? They work in the same place and went to school for a certification, some a degree as well, but they aren't paid as much and are treated poorly. Why? Well because they're not doctors. They can have the same amount of knowledge, sometimes more depending on who the doctor is, but their job is seen as lower just because of the pay and general view of it in the eyes of society.

Most of the people who will tell you all this and which job is the most valuable and what to go for actually don't know much about the inner workings. Go ahead, ask someone who's told you something like this if they've done much research outside of watching a video on social media and reading random posts without checking the validity behind them.

Another things with doctors, nurses, construction workers, all these jobs everyone tells you to get instead of something you'd actually enjoy is they don't face the fact, or rather they choose to just accept the fact and do nothing about it, that those in charge are gonna kick. you. around. until you give up or give in. Those who give up usually didn't even want the job in the first place. Those who give in always dreamed of this job but once they're in it that blind optimistic veil is torn away.

Zom100 is an anime that opens with a guy going into an office job where he works for a company that produces commercials. He's a writer for the scripts and helps with casting and went in expecting to make tons of friends, meet stars, and even falls for the secretary and wishes to confess to her one day. It starts off all bright and colorful since that's how he views the world in his eyes. After going out drinking with his coworkers after their first day of work is done, everything stops. The happy smiles and attitudes of his employees vanish as they return to work and our protagonist is met with the horrible work grind culture he's walked into. Yet, he stays optimistic in the hopes he can stay strong only to finally break after a year of working at the business. He stumbles home from exhaustion to his now trashed apartment full of garbage bags, trash covering the floors, just looking like a dump because he's to exhausted from working and staying at the office days at a time to be able to clean up.

I love the first episode of Zom100, although only the first episode, because it does a FANTASTIC job at giving a message I live by. "Do not settle for treatment that is less than what you deserve." It shows what happens when you go for the give in option of what I mentioned earlier. If your boss is dumping work on you but not anyone else, call them out. If you're being harassed in the workplace and there is a clear bias because of your gender, race, or anything else, call them out. If your pay is far less than the amount you work, call them out. If they refuse to make any changes despite you having concrete evidence because they will lose the money they have to spare, quit and call them out.

The older folk in my life have told me time and time again that "You work for bad people to pay worse people and then die." (Not a direct quote but it summarizes what they say.) These people come from a time where there was an even worse imbalance in power and they had to give in to live due to the many things going on in the world at that time that made living conditions horrible if you weren't already super rich. It isn't like that anymore though.

The economy and people in power is still messed up yes we need to work on that but that isn't what this post is about.

Glitch Studios is an animation studio aiming to give independent animation a place to shine and has been doing so with MASSIVE success. It's thanks to them that indie work is finally getting looked at by bigger studios. Personally, I see this as a sign that art is finally getting a more proper place in the general view of society as a proper career path. Only issue is it's focused on animation.

I'm not an animator, I'm a writer and lover of comics. Would I want some of my stuff adapted into animation? By fans out of love for the works, yes, as an official adaptation for profit? No.

It's not a smart move marketing wise or profit wise but that's the thing. I'm not some old white guy sitting on a throne of gold bars in a big evil company business building, I'm a 20 something at a desk in a dusty apartment room surrounded by goofy posters and plushies. I don't care about money, I care about making things I and others love. I think that's what people have forgotten recently when it comes to working in this world. You can work and work and work and pay rent and be able to buy that new outfit to wear at your family gathering to show off but how long will you be happy from that? Small moments of joy is fine and treating yourself is fine too, but what do you do to make yourself happy while still fulfilling a purpose? Do you feel like you fulfill a purpose? What did you want to do, not need to do.

Working retail is seen as your go to starter job or just what you go to when you need to pay the bills. It's not a shameful thing to do, nor is any job when you just need an income for necessities. But, what if that's what you want to do? You don't want a giant house, you don't want a fancy car, you don't want Gucci clothes, you enjoy the simple job and lifestyle. That's fine. No matter if your parents say you're throwing away your potential, no matter if the world says you need to run a company, no matter what people say it is okay to have simple goals and a simple life.

Minimalism is the practice of only having what you need for what you want to do. This is the video that first got me thinking about it.

It's something I think people need to be taught about more. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't go and sell off everything you own, but maybe at least think "Do I really need a $200 phone from a popular brand that doesn't even come with a charger? Do I need it? What parts of it validate the cost?"

Now here is how this all ties back to my overall message with this tangent.

I want to make indie comics because it makes me happy. It makes my friends who have helped me shaped the stories, characters, and everything else happy. And, overall, I hope it makes others happy too. Not to mention, I can't exactly think about signing up with some popular publishing company because of how loudly of an anarchist I am and how diverse I make my work.

Why I'm making this post is because I want to get you thinking about this too. Are you happy with whatever job you have right now? Are you fairly treated? Is this what you want? Are you brainwashed by societal norms made by the big companies that you need whatever big and fancy phone or computer set up you're reading this on? If you said no to any of this I suggest looking into your own personal rights as a human being and standing up for yourself, think about forming a union if need be. If your issue is with buying expensive things you don't even need feel free to trade them in or sell them and get what you need and can be happy with while having extra money left over.

Remember, you don't need to be make a billion dollars each week to be successful. Happiness is from what you do and what makes you happy, not your bank account amount or how many bedrooms you have in a mansion. Most of all, happiness is what you choose to make it not what some old jerks who think Trump is a sane man say it is.

#minimalism #anarchism #anarchist #capitalism #anti capitalist #capitalist hell #capitalist dystopia #true happiness #art is a valid job #art is a valid career path #support indie artists #support indie #support indie creators #support indie authors #support indie comics #support indie animation #positivity #positive mental attitude #positive thoughts #help #self help #self love #self care #how to be successful #is art a job #is art a career #is art dead #are comics still a career path #Youtube

[silverlininghills]

answering the question "are clancy and tyler the same person?" once and for all

SO.

clancy.

one of the biggest narrative sticking points for both the fandom at large as well as me specifically has been the question of whether tyler and clancy are the same person. many people point to clancy's letter description of the events of the jumpsuit music video as proof that they're not, while others point to the reference to the "out of body account of the rider in the river" as proof that they are. it definitely felt like a contradiction to me when i was first diving into the lore last year. and while i understood that this narrative was a) being told in a very non-traditional manner and b) extremely fluid and almost dreamlike in its overall structure, that contradiction still bothered me.

and then i had an epiphany: clancy wasn't tyler, and now he is. it's simple, really.

let me explain:

the theory that i had initially come up with to try to explain the discrepancy, at least to myself, was that clancy was tyler's avatar within the narrative (basically his self-insert). he was the "jumpsuit" that tyler covered himself with in order to exist in this fictional world. so while he may exist independently of clancy (such as in the trench trilogy), he also existed as clancy when needed (such as during the events of the SAI livestream and music videos). the distinction between the two still felt weirdly uhhh consistently inconsistent to me, but i figured either we were missing a piece or that that was just how the narrative was meant to feel.

but then!! yesterday!! i was doing research for the aforementioned blurryface = clancy theory, and i stumbled upon an interview with andrew donoho, who directed all the "lore" music videos for the band. i have no idea how like, well known this interview is amongst the fandom, but I've yet to see anyone refer to it when discussing the "is clancy tyler" conundrum, despite the fact that it includes some VERY interesting bits:

"The daunting part was, they built this entire world--everything from Clancy to Tyler's role, to the band's role, to different pieces of TRENCH, all this stuff--and I had to find a way to bite off a nine-minute piece of that.

"...imagine reading Lord of the Rings and they say, 'Okay, so don't make anything that's in the novels, but make something in this world, and it can only be nine minutes and it has to be profound and show everything and have every single tie into the the allegory and the metaphor of the album.' Like, great."

to me, this pretty conclusively confirms that the events of the trench trilogy were not meant to be clancy, but instead either a) tyler himself or b) yet another dema inhabitant who was just played by tyler.

to drive that point home even further, andrew goes on to describe the actual creation process for dmaorg:

The Clancy story was something really fun. The first meeting with everybody we were talking about like how we would market TRENCH and if there was a way to open up the world to the super-fans that wanted to know more with a story that wasn't Tyler’s story. Because, again, they built this world that was so rich.

welp. there it is. a story that wasn't Tyler's story. Clancy was intended to be just another inhabitant of Dema whose story would be told, not through the album, but purely through the posts on dmaorg.

there's also this quote from tyler the first time he was asked about clancy in an interview:

Clancy's uh... I've heard about him. But I don't-- I don't-- I know we're from the same place.

"heard about" but not met. all he knows is that they're from the same place (dema).

so that settles it then, right? Clancy ≠ Tyler. so glad we could clear that up!

...not quite.

because here's the thing. this is not tyler and josh's story. twenty one pilots is not tyler and josh's band.

it's ours. and so is this story.

don't just take my word for it, either:

TJ: This record is… They really did help write it. This thing wouldn't be breathing without them. They helped create this world, as well.

TJ: They are also building the world, like I said. We’re very… Not to come off as on that stalker level, but I do watch them. […]what does that fan that really understands and has tracked with me up until this point -- how is this hitting them? And the story builds from there, man.

TJ: Once the fans got a hold of it and started to digest it it even brought it more to life you know? Watching the story come to life. So I'm excited to dive back into it at some point.

now, here's where i came up short: i swear i read or listened to an interview where tyler specifically talks about making changes to the story based on fan interpretations/ideas, but i cannot for the life of me find it now. if anyone remembers when or where (or if!) he said that and has a link, it would be immensely appreciated. but regardless, it's safe to say that we are all active participants in the creation of this story.

and what is something that we consistently speculated about, pretty much right from the moment we met clancy?

that he and tyler were the same person.

now, note the timeline here: they had probably already created at least the first couple clancy letters by the time dmaorg went live + was found by fans; same with the original trilogy of music videos (donoho specifically mentioned working on the treatments while dmaorg was being updated--and mentioned not being told about the updates ahead of time!). the last letter went live july 18th, exactly one week after the release of the jumpsuit music video, and tbh it sounds like the end of clancy's story, especially based on the narrative arc of both the trilogy and the album as a whole. clancy has left dema, is both frightened and enthralled by trench, and wonders both where he's going and whether leaving in the first place might’ve been a mistake. i fully believe this was intended to be the end of clancy's story.

but again. tyler and his team aren't the only ones telling it.

so what happened after that post? well, the album was released, tyler and josh rejoined social media, they did a bunch of fan press conferences, and then they toured a bunch.

and what did the clique do? well, they created. i wasn't around during that time, but i've seen enough clique art and meta and musings to get an idea of what the reaction was. it was clear that a) people were FASCINATED by trench and dema and all the rest of it and also b) that people LOVED clancy. they speculated about his history, his future, his connection to tyler, his place in the overall narrative.

they brought him to life.

and so clancy lived. the next dmaorg update coincided with the chlorine music video and revealed that he had been "returned" to dema by keons. bleak and ambiguous as the letter may have been, it was proof that clancy's story wasn't over just yet.

tantalizingly, tyler also revealed in an interview in march 2019 (so after clancy's "resurrection" but obviously before the world imploded and their plans got waylaid) that the next album would feature “a character that hasn’t been talked about on any record yet that plays a huge role in the narrative". was this clancy, who tyler had already confirmed "wasn't on [trench]"? or was this someone completely new?

welp, who knows because almost exactly one year later covid happened and everything got thrown out the window.

...except then the LOC ARG happens and the clique finds an encoded message on tyler's TV that says Clancy Is Dead, and then the name of the next album + accompanying Feature Performance Event is released and it turns out to be an anagram which also states that Clancy Is Dead.

so was he?

well, the clique had learned a couple other things by that point, such as:

1) SAI is propaganda

2) the views and opinions expressed on [Scaled and Icy] are those of the Sacred Municipality of Dema

and of course,

3) we don't believe what's on TV

so like. yeah. "clancy is dead". sure he is. whatever the truth may be, at least the fans knew not to take anything coming from the band at that point at face value.

as far as the SAI era goes, i think the most important thing to note is that, while writing the album, tyler himself didn’t even know if it would be a continuation of the narrative or not:

TJ: So the question is, with shows off the table for the time being, does this mean we should hit pause on this narrative? Or do we somehow try to weave it into the narrative, which is not totally the intention? I’m not really sure which direction we’re gonna go yet. 

personally, i suspect they were leaning more towards the “not” side of things. the livestream definitely takes place within the world of dema, but it’s not really a continuation of the story so much as a technicolour fever dream (appropriate for the height of a viral pandemic i guess lol). once again, like dmaorg, i believe tyler expected this album to be an accompaniment to the lore, but not itself part of the story. 

i have a whole, like, interpretation and breakdown of the “story” of the livestream that i am not gonna get into here bc this thing is already a beast, but suffice it to say that the livestream reads a lot more like an in-universe retelling of tyler’s story than anything else. does it heavily feature imagery and themes from the lore? yeah, of course. but it exists in this weird wonderland-esque dreamspace anyway, so that makes sense to me. 

anyway. yeah. livestream as originally intended = not part of the dema/trench storyline.

and yet. you know the clique and their tendency to take the things the band gives them and run with them. i definitely have seen lots of speculation regarding whether tyler is tyler in the livestream or clancy, and i can’t say that i blame people for wondering! again, the ambiguous nature of the narrative lends itself to multiple interpretations. do i think it was intended that way at first? nah. but once again, the clique made the story their own, and tyler had no choice but to try to keep up.

the next time we hear from clancy isn’t until almost a full year after the livestream–well, okay, we get another lil “clancy is dead” easter egg in the saturday music video, but that’s nothing we haven’t heard before (nice try though tyler). what really fascinates me is the almost complete 180 in terms of tone and narrative structure between the first two music videos + livestream—all of which were created before the fans had been introduced to the new era—and the saturday + the outside mvs, which would’ve been created after. in my opinion, that’s where we once again see the clique’s influence at work. suddenly the narrative is not only back but barreling forward. the SAI era is no longer a diversion but a true continuation.

with that return to form comes clancy’s first letter in over three years, and wouldn’t’cha know it, it perfectly describes the events of the livestream AND the saturday music video, thereby confirming that clancy is tyler after all! mystery solved! thank you for coming to my—

—except, wait. the evidence so clearly pointed to clancy not being tyler before. tyler himself even said so! what gives? was tyler lying then? is clancy lying now? is there some secret third option that no one has considered yet?

…well, yeah. there kind of is. the third option is that both have been and still are true, because as the story hasn’t just progressed, it’s changed. changed because it stopped existing just inside tyler’s head, or in the 60 page trench bible; it started existing out here, with us. it changed because we changed it. we reached our collective hands into the narrative and pulled our blorbo from the brink of oblivion and shoved him right back into the narrative where he belongs. when you really think about it, that makes us the ghost in the machine. the implications of that idea alone make my head spin.

anyway, we get one more letter from clancy the very next day to coincide with the release of the outside’s music video. in it, he contemplates the new psychokinetic power he’s received, how familiar it feels, and he begins to understand. he may be referring to the bishops and vialism, but as always, the narrative trappings of this world are merely a reflection of ours. because yes, you can look at it as clancy gaining the ability to possess “available vessels” using the antlers of a magical creature. but you can also look at it as the moment when tyler officially became clancy in the narrative using the power of creativity and imagination (and, of course, a little help from some friends), and in so doing, gained the power to maybe, finally, turn the tide in this seemingly endless internal war. after all, as the caption on this instagram post says:

this is a story about cycles, and trying to break them. about discerning between external and internal attacks. and about balance. a balance between being saved by a friend, and saving yourself.

in summary: i truly don’t believe clancy and tyler were ever intended to be the same person. what he was meant to be (a facet of tyler, a representative of the clique, or someone/something else entirely), i’m not sure, though of course i have my theories. honestly, i don’t believe clancy was meant to exist beyond the handful of letters we got from him in 2018. i believe the only reason he endured is because we willed him to. and now, as we head into the endgame of this incredible story we’ve all been creating together, this character (who was destined to die by his creator but was saved by his fans) has become perhaps the most important player on the board. and personally? i can’t wait to see what he becomes next.

#twenty one pilots #lore #dema #clancy #trench #TØP #connecting the dots #my meta #mostly written while sleep deprived at 2 in the morning so like. be gentle with me #feels good tho to actually be WRITING meta instead of just incoherently screaming abt it #god it seems so obvious to me now #like this is barely even a revelation #it's just like. basic reading comprehension #in any case i hope ppl find this interesting #would love to hear your thoughts #anyway time to go pass out now

[searidings]

Okk First of all I love almost all of your fics. They all feel very cathartic in the end like sweet sweet payoff even when the beginning are sometimes too heartbreaking. So thanku for writing those angst with happy ending.

Now I wanna ask which is your all time favorite fic that you feel got the characterization of kara and lena closest to the show, since you have no bookmarks . Also which fic is that you go back to most often from time to time.

godddd asking me to pick one of anything is an extremely tall order, the best i can do for you is a handful:

people will say we're in love by @takethegrasskara is the best exploration of kara's character i've ever seen

i need you to pencil in the rest by @mooosicaldreamz is probably my favourite characterisation of lena post-reveal

and then truce by @itllsetyoufree, would you forget me? (do i know you?) by @hrwinter and the love of forgetting by kl_morgan are probably my favourites in terms of story and all-round canon-ish characterisation, and all of these are fics i've read multiple times!

#i know i've recced all of these before but they're my favourites for a reason #since i (not that you can tell) have a penchant for canon-adjacent and fix-it fics these all have a very special place in my heart #and for my personal interpretation of these characters these fics are right on the money #also if we're talking comfort fics that i reread a lot (since a lot of these are heavier) #then mrs & mrs danvers is an all time fave #as is anything and everything by hrwinter; seabiscuit; and mooosicaldreamz #honestly those three authors like. yowza #i literally just click on their ao3s and go to town #every fic has been read multiple times i never get tired of them #there are so many fics that i love but these are the go-tos i can think of right now #thank you for your lovely lovely message! hope you're having a wonderful weekend #asks #anonymous #OH i just realised i lied. i've only read 'people will say we're in love' once because i'm genuinely not sure im emotionally strong enough #to read it again yet. like you know one of those that the stars have to align for you to read. yeah #and yet. despite the fact that i've only read it once i can still quote parts of it word-perfect #because it had such a FUCKING impact on me #i know i've yelled about it before but a fic has never not ever made me physically cry before or since #and with that one i was straight up sobbing for three straight chapters so. akawwjjd i lov u i owe u my life #and one day i'll be strong enough to read it again #one day............ #my ficrecs

[potteresque-ire]

Can you talk more about the usage of the word "wife" to talk about men in the BL context? I've noticed it in BJYX (particularly with GG), in the (English translations) of MDZS, and then it came up in your recent posts about Danmei-101 (which were super helpful btw) with articles connecting the "little fresh meat" type to fans calling an actor "wife." My initial reaction as a westerner is like "this is very problematic," but I think I'm missing a lot of language/cultural context. Any thoughts?

Hello! First of all, for those who’re interested, here’s a link to the referred posts. Under the cut is arguably the 4th post of the series. As usual, I apologise for the length!

(Topics: seme and uke; more about “leftover women”; roster of feminisation terms; Daji, Bao Si & the origin of BJYX; roster of beautiful, ancient Chinese men; Chairman Mao (not part of the roster) ...)

[TW: feminisation of men]

In the traditional BL characterisation, the M/M (double male) lead pairing is essentially a cis-het relationship in disguise, in which one of the M leads is viewed as the “wife” by the creator and audience. This lead often possesses some of the features of the traditional, stereotypical female, but retaining his male appearance. 

In BL terms, the “wife” is the “uke”. “Seme” and “uke” are the respective roles taken by the two male leads, and designated by the creator of the material. Literally, “seme” (攻め) means the dominant, the attacking / aggressive partner in the relationship and “uke” (受け), the passive / recipient (of actions) partner who tends to follow the seme’s lead. The terms themselves do not have any sexual / gender context.  However, as male and female are viewed as aggressive and passive by their traditional social roles, and the attacker and recipient by their traditional sexual roles respectively, BL fandoms have long assigned uke, the passive, sexual “bottom”, as the “woman”, the “wife”. 

Danmei has kept this “semi” and uke” tradition from BL, taking the kanji of the Japanese terms for designation ~ 攻 (”attack” is therefore the “husband”, and 受 (”receive”), the “wife”. The designations are often specified in the introduction / summary of Danmei works as warning / enticement. For MDZS, for example, MXTX wrote:

高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 × 邪魅狂狷風騷 受

高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 = noble, coolly beautiful and boring seme (referring to LWJ)  邪魅狂狷風騷 受 = devilishly charming, wild, and flirty uke (referring to WWX) 

The traditional, stereotypical female traits given to the “uke”, the “wife” in Danmei and their associated fanworks range from their personality to behaviour to even biological functions. Those who have read the sex scenes in MDZS may be aware of their lack of mention of lube, while WWX was written as getting (very) wet from fluids from his colon (腸道) ~ implying that his colon, much like a vagina, was supplying the necessarily lubrication for sex. This is obviously biologically inaccurate; however, Danmei is exempt from having to be realistic by its original Tanbi definition. The genre’s primary audience is cishet females, and sex scenes such as this one aren’t aiming for realism. Rather, the primary goal of these sex scenes is to generate fantasy, and the purpose of the biologically female functions in one of the leads (WWX) is to ease the readers into imagining themselves as the one engaging in the sex.

Indeed, these practices of assigning as males and female the M/M sexual top and bottom, of emphasising of who is the top and who is the bottom, have been falling out of favour in Western slash fandoms ~ I joined fandom about 15 years ago, and top and bottom designations in slash pairings (and fights about them) were much more common than it is now.  The generally more open, more progressive environments in which Western fandomers are immersed in probably have something to do with it: they transfer their RL knowledge, their views on biology, on different social into their fandom works and discourses. 

I’d venture to say this: in the English-speaking fandoms, fandom values and mainstream values are converging. “Cancel culture” reflects an attempt to enforce RL values in the fictional worlds in fandom. Fandom culture is slowly, but surely, leaving its subculture status and becoming part of mainstream culture. 

I’d hesitate to call c-Danmei fandoms backward compared to Western slash for this reason. There’s little hope for Danmei to converge with China’s mainstream culture in the short term ~ the necessity of replacing Danmei with Dangai in visual media already reflects that. Danmei is and will likely remain subculture in the foreseeable future, and subcultures, at heart, are protests against the mainstream. Unless China and the West define “mainstream” very similarly (and they don’t), it is difficult to compare the “progressiveness”—and its dark side, the “problematic-ness”—of the protests, which are shaped by what they’re protesting against. The “shaper” in this scenario, the mainstream values and culture, are also far more forceful under China’s authoritarian government than they are in the free(-er) world. 

Danmei, therefore, necessarily takes on a different form in China than BL or slash outside China. As a creative pursuit, it serves to fulfil psychological needs that are reflective of its surrounding culture and sociopolitical environment. The genre’s “problematic” / out of place aspects in the eyes of Western fandoms are therefore, like all other aspects of the genre, tailor-made by its millions of fans to be comforting / cathartic for the unique culture and sociopolitical background it and they find themselves in. 

I briefly detoured to talk about the Chinese government’s campaign to pressure young, educated Chinese women into matrimony and motherhood in the post for this reason, as it is an example of how, despite Western fandoms’ progressiveness, they may be inadequate, distant for c-Danmei fans. Again, this article is a short and a ... morbidly-entertaining read on what has been said about China’s “leftover women” (剩女) — women who are unmarried and over 27-years-old). I talked about it, because “Women should enter marriage and parenthood in their late 20s” may no longer a mainstream value in many Western societies, but where it still is, it exerts a strong influence on how women view romance, and by extension, how they interact with romantic fiction, including Danmei.

In China, this influence is made even stronger by the fact that Chinese tradition  places a strong emphasis on education and holds a conservative attitude towards romance and sex. Dating while studying therefore remains discouraged in many Chinese families. University-educated Chinese women therefore have an extremely short time frame — between graduation (~23 years old) and their 27th birthday — to find “the right one” and get married, before they are labelled as “leftovers” and deemed undesirable. (Saving) face being an important aspect in Chinese culture introduces yet another layer of pressure: traditionally, women who don’t get married by the age agreed by social norms have been viewed as failures of upbringing, in that the unmarried women’s parents not having taught/trained their daughters well. Filial, unmarried women therefore try to get married “on time” just to avoid bringing shame to their family.

The outcome is this: despite the strong women characters we may see in Chinese visual media, many young Chinese women nowadays do not expect themselves to be able to marry for love. Below, I offer a “book jacket summary” of a popular internet novel in China, which shows how the associated despair also affects cis-het fictional romance. Book reviews praise this novel for being “boring”: the man and woman leads are both common working class people, the “you-and-I”’s; the mundaneness of them trying build their careers and their love life is lit by one shining light: he loves her and she loves him. 

Written in her POV, this summary reflects, perhaps, the disquiet felt by many contemporary Chinese women university graduates:

曾經以為，自己這輩子都等不到了—— 世界這麼大，我又走得這麼慢，要是遇不到良人要怎麼辦？早過了「全球三十幾億男人，中國七億男人，天涯何處無芳草」的猖狂歲月，越來越清楚，循規蹈矩的生活中，我們能熟悉進而深交的異性實在太有限了，有限到我都做好了「接受他人的牽線，找個適合的男人慢慢煨熟，再平淡無奇地進入婚姻」的準備，卻在生命意外的拐彎處迎來自己的另一半。

I once thought, my wait will never come to fruition for the rest of my life — the world is so big, I’m so slow in treading it, what if I’ll never meet the one? I’ve long passed the wild days of thinking “3 billion men exist on Earth, 0.7 of which are Chinese. There is plenty more fish in the sea.” I’m seeing, with increasing clarity, that in our disciplined lives, the number of opposite-sex we can get to know, and get to know well, is so limited. It’s so limited that I’m prepared to accept someone’s matchmaking, find a suitable man and slowly, slowly, warm up to him, and then, to enter marriage with without excitement, without wonder. But then, an accidental turn in my life welcomes in my other half.

— Oath of Love (餘生，請多指教) (Yes, this is the novel Gg’d upcoming drama is based on.) 

Heteronormativity is, of course, very real in China. However, that hasn’t exempted Chinese women, even its large cis-het population, from having their freedom to pursue their true love taken away from them. Even for cis-het relationships, being able to marry for love has become a fantasy —a fantasy scorned by the state. Remember this quote from Article O3 in the original post? 

耽改故事大多远离现实，有些年轻受众却将其与生活混为一谈，产生不以结婚和繁衍为目的才是真爱之类的偏颇认知。

Most Dangai stories are far removed from reality; some young audience nonetheless mix them up with real life, develop biased understanding such as “only love that doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations is true love”. 

I didn’t focus on it in the previous posts, in an effort to keep the discussion on topic. But why did the op-ed piece pick this as an example of fantasy-that-shouldn’t-be-mixed-up-with-real-life, in the middle of a discussion about perceived femininity of men that actually has little to do with matrimony and reproduction? 

Because the whole point behind the state’s “leftover women” campaign is precisely to get women to treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations, not beautiful sceneries that happen along the way. And they’re the state’s destination as more children = higher birth rate that leads to higher future productivity. The article is therefore calling out Danmei for challenging this “mainstream value”.

Therefore, while the statement True love doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations may be trite for many of us while it may be a point few, if any, English-speaking fandoms may pay attention to, to the mainstream culture Danmei lives in, to the mainstream values dictated by the state, it is borderline subversive.

As much as Danmei may appear “tame” for its emphasis on beauty and romance, for it to have stood for so long, so firmly against China’s (very) forceful mainstream culture, the genre is also fundamentally rebellious.  Remember: Danmei has little hope of converging with China’s mainstream unless it “sells its soul” and removes its homoerotic elements. 

With rebelliousness, too, comes a bit of tongue-in-cheek.

And so, when c-Danmei fans, most of whom being cishet women who interact with the genre by its traditional BL definition, call one of the leads 老婆 (wife), it can and often take on a different flavour. As said before, it can be less about feminizing the lead than about identifying with the lead. The nickname 老婆 (wife) can be less about being disrespectful and more about humorously expressing an aspiration—the aspiration to have a husband who truly loves them, who they do want to get married and have babies with but out of freedom and not obligation.

Admittedly, I had been confused, and bothered by these “can-be”s myself. Just because there are alternate reasons for the feminisation to happen doesn’t mean the feminisation itself is excusable. But why the feminisation of M/M leads doesn’t sound as awful to me in Chinese as in English? How can calling a self-identified man 老婆 (wife) get away with not sounding being predominantly disrespectful to my ears, when I would’ve frowned at the same thing said in my vicinity in English?

I had an old hypothesis: when I was little, it was common to hear people calling acquaintances in Chinese by their unflattering traits:  “Deaf-Eared Chan” (Mr Chan, who’s deaf), “Fat Old Woman Lan” (Ah-Lan, who’s an overweight woman) etc—and the acquaintances were perfectly at ease with such identifications, even introducing themselves to strangers that way. Comparatively speaking then, 老婆 (wife) is harmless, even endearing. 

老婆, which literally means “old old-lady” (implying wife = the woman one gets old with), first became popularised as a colloquial, casual way of calling “wife” in Hong Kong and its Cantonese dialect, despite the term itself being about 1,500 years old. As older generations of Chinese were usually very shy about talking about their love lives, those who couldn’t help themselves and regularly spoke of their 老婆 tended to be those who loved their wives in my memory. 老婆, as a term, probably became endearing to me that way. 

Maybe this is why the feminisation of M/M leads didn’t sound so bad to me?

This hypothesis was inadequate, however. This custom of identifying people by their (unflattering) traits has been diminishing in Hong Kong and China, for similar reasons it has been considered inappropriate in the West.

Also, 老婆 (wife) is not the only term used for / associated with feminisation. I’ve tried to limit the discussion to Danmei, the fictional genre; now, I’ll jump to its associated RPS genre, and specifically, the YiZhan fandoms. The purpose of this jump: with real people involved, feminisation’s effect is potentially more harmful, more acute. Easier to feel. 

YiZhan fans predominantly entered the fandoms through The Untamed, and they’ve also transferred Danmei’s  “seme”/“uke” customs into YiZhan. There are, therefore, three c-YiZhan fandoms:

博君一肖 (BJYX): seme Dd, uke Gg 戰山為王 (ZSWW): seme Gg, uke Dd 連瑣反應 (LSFY): riba Gg and Dd. Riba = “reversible”, and unlike “seme” and “uke”, is a frequently-used term in the Japanese gay community. 

BJYX is by far the largest of the three, likely due to Gg having played WWX, the “uke” in MDZS / TU. I’ll therefore focus on this fandom, ie. Gg is the “uke”, the “wife”.

For Gg alone, I’ve seen him being also referred to by YiZhan fans as (and this is far from a complete list):

* 姐姐 (sister) * 嫂子 (wife of elder brother; Dd being the elder brother implied) * 妃妃 (based on the very first YiZhan CP name, 太妃糖 Toffee Candy, a portmanteau of sorts from Dd being the 太子 “prince” of his management company and Gg being the prince’s wife, 太子妃. 糖 = “candy”. 太妃 sounds like toffee in English and has been used as the latter’s Chinese translation.) * 美人 (beauty, as in 肖美人 “Beauty Xiao”) * Daji 妲己 (as in 肖妲己, “Daji Xiao”). 

The last one needs historical context, which will also become important for explaining the new hypothesis I have.

Daji was a consort who lived three thousand years ago, whose beauty was blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. Gg (and men sharing similar traits, who are exceptionally rare) has been compared to Daji 妲己 for his alternatively innocent, alternatively seductive beauty ~ the kind of beauty that, in Chinese historical texts and folk lores, lead to the fall of kingdoms when possessed by the king’s beloved woman. This kind of “I-get-to-ruin-her-virginity”, “she’s a slut in MY bedroom” beauty is, of course, a stereotypical fantasy for many (cis-het) men, which included the authors of these historical texts and folklores. However, it also contained some truth: the purity / innocence, the image of a virgin, was required for an ancient woman to be chosen as a consort; the seduction, meanwhile, helped her to become the top consort, and monopolise the attention of kings and emperors who often had hundreds of wives ~ wives who often put each other in danger to eliminate competition. 

Nowadays, women of tremendous beauty are still referred to by the Chinese idiom 傾國傾城, literally, ”falling countries, falling cities”. The beauty is also implied to be natural, expressed in a can’t-help-itself way, perhaps reflecting the fact that the ancient beauties on which this idiom has been used couldn’t possibly have plastic surgeries, and most of them didn’t meet a good end ~ that they had to pay a price for their beauty, and often, with their lowly status as women, as consorts, they didn’t get to choose whether they wanted to pay this price or not. This adjective is considered to be very flattering. Gg’s famous smile from the Thailand Fanmeet has been described, praised as 傾城一笑: “a smile that topples a city”.

I’m explaining Daji and 傾國傾城 because the Chinese idiom 博君一笑 “doing anything to get a smile from you”, from which the ship’s name BJYX 博君一肖  was derived (笑 and 肖 are both pronounced “xiao”), is connected to yet another of such dynasty-falling beauty, Bao Si 褒姒. Like Daji before her, Bao Si was blamed for the end of the Zhou Dynasty in 771 BC. 

The legend went like this: Bao Si was melancholic, and to get her to smile, her king lit warning beacons and got his nobles to rush in from the nearby vassal states with their armies to come and rescue him, despite not being in actual danger. The nobles, in their haste, looked so frantic and dishevelled that Bao Si found it funny and smiled. Longing to see more of the smile of his favourite woman, the king would fool his nobles again and again, until his nobles no longer heeded the warning beacons when an actual rebellion came. 

What the king did has been described as 博紅顏一笑, with 紅顏 (”red/flushed face”) meaning a beautiful woman, referring to Bao Si. Replace 紅顏 with the respectful “you”, 君, we get 博君一笑. If one searches the origin of the phrase 博 [fill_in_the_blank]一笑 online, Bao Si’s story shows up.

The “anything” in ”doing anything to get a smile from you” in 博君一笑, therefore, is not any favour, but something as momentous as giving away one’s own kingdom. c-turtles have remarked, to their amusement and admittedly mine, that “king”, in Chinese, is written as 王, which is Dd’s surname, and very occasionally, they jokingly compare him to the hopeless kings who’d give away everything for their love. Much like 傾國傾城 has become a flattering idiom despite the negative reputations of Daji and Bao Si for their “men-ruining ways”, 博君一笑 has become a flattering phrase, emphasising on the devotion and love rather than the ... stupidity behind the smile-inducing acts. 

(Bao Si’s story, BTW, was a lie made up by historians who also lived later but also thousands of years ago, to absolve the uselessness of the king. Warning beacons didn’t exist at her time.)  

Gg is arguably feminized even in his CP’s name. Gg’s feminisation is everywhere. 

And here comes my confession time ~ I’ve been amused by most of the feminisation terms above. 肖妲己 (”Daji Xiao”) captures my imagination, and I remain quite partial to the CP name BJYX. Somehow, there’s something ... somewhat forgivable when the feminisation is based on Gg’s beauty, especially in the context of the historical Danmei / Dangai setting of MDZS/TU ~ something that, while doesn’t cancel, dampens the “problematic-ness” of the gender mis-identification.

What, exactly, is this something?

Here’s my new hypothesis, and hopefully I’ll manage to explain it well ~

The hypothesis is this: the unisex beauty standard for historical Chinese men and women, which is also breathtakingly similar to the modern beauty standard for Chinese women, makes feminisation in the context of Danmei (especially historical Danmei) flattering, and easier to accept.

What defined beauty in historical Chinese men? If I am to create a classically beautiful Chinese man for my new historical Danmei, how would I describe him based on what I’ve read, my cultural knowledge?

Here’s a list:

* Skin fair and smooth as white jade * Thin, even frail; narrow/slanted shoulders; tall * Dark irises and bright, starry eyes * Not too dense, neat eyebrows that are shaped like swords ~ pointed slightly upwards from the center towards the sides of the face * Depending on the dynasty, nice makeup.

Imagine these traits. How “macho” are they? How much do they fit the ideal Chinese masculine beauty advertised by Chinese government, which looks like below?

Propaganda poster, 1969. The caption says “Defeat Imperialist US! Defeat Social Imperialism!” The book’s name is “Quotations from Mao Zedong”. (Source)

Where did that list of traits I’ve written com from? Fair like jade, frail ... why are they so far from the ... “macho”ness of the men in the poster? 

What has Chinese history said about its beautiful men? 

Wei Jie (衛玠 286-312 BCE), one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men (古代四大美男) recorded in Chinese history famously passed away when fans of his beauty gathered and formed a wall around him, blocking his way. History recorded Wei as being frail with chronic illness, and was only 27 years old when he died. Arguably the first historical account of “crazy fans killing their idol”, this incident left the idiom 看殺衛玠 ~ “Wei Jie being watched to death.” ~ a not very “macho” way to die at all.

潘安 (Pan An; 247-300 BCE), another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, also had hoards of fangirls, who threw fruits and flowers at him whenever he ventured outside. The Chinese idiom 擲果盈車 “thrown fruit filling a cart” was based on Pan and ... his fandom, and denotes such scenarios of men being so beautiful that women openly displayed their affections for them. 

Meanwhile, when Pan went out with his equally beautiful male friend, 夏侯湛 Xiahou Zhan, folks around them called them 連璧 ~ two connected pieces of perfect jade. Chinese Jade is white, smooth, faintly glowing in light, so delicate that it gives the impression of being somewhat transparent.

Aren’t Wei Jie and Pan An reminiscent of modern day Chinese idols, the “effeminate” “Little Fresh Meat”s (小鲜肉) so panned by Article O3? Their stories, BTW, also elucidated the historical reference in LWJ’s description of being jade-like in MDZS, and in WWX and LWJ being thrown pippas along the Gusu river bank. 

Danmei, therefore, didn’t create a trend of androgynous beauty in men as much as it has borrowed the ancient, traditional definition of masculine Chinese beauty ~ the beauty that was more feminine than masculine by modern standards.  

[Perhaps, CPs should be renamed 連璧 (”two connected pieces of perfect jade”) as a reminder of the aesthetics’ historical roots.]

Someone may exclaim now: But. But!! Yet another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, 高長恭 (Gao Changgong, 541-573 BCE), far better known by his title, 蘭陵王 (”the Prince of Lanling”), was a famous general. He had to be “macho”, right?

... As it turns out, not at all. Historical texts have described Gao as “貌柔心壮，音容兼美” (”soft in looks and strong at heart, beautiful face and voice”), “白美類婦人” (”fair and beautiful as a woman”), “貌若婦人” (”face like a woman”). Legends have it that The Prince of Lanling’s beauty was so soft, so lacking in authority that he had to wear a savage mask to get his soldiers to listen to his command (and win) on the battlefield (《樂府雜錄》: 以其顏貌無威，每入陣即著面具，後乃百戰百勝).

This should be emphasised: Gao’s explicitly feminine descriptions were recorded in historical texts as arguments *for* his beauty. Authors of these texts, therefore, didn’t view the feminisation as insult. In fact, they used the feminisation to drive the point home, to convince their readers that men like the Prince of Lanling were truly, absolutely good looking.

Being beautiful like a women was therefore high praise for men in, at least, significant periods in Chinese history ~ periods long and important enough for these records to survive until today. Beauty, and so it goes, had once been largely free of distinctions between the masculine and feminine.

One more example of an image of an ancient Chinese male beauty being similar to its female counterpart, because the history nerd in me finds this fun. 

何晏 (He Yan, ?-249 BCE) lived in the Wei Jin era (between 2nd to 4th century), during which makeup was really en vogue. Known for his beauty, he was also famous for his love of grooming himself. The emperor, convinced that He Yan’s very fair skin was from the powder he was wearing, gave He Yan some very hot foods to eat in the middle of the summer. He Yan began to sweat, had to wipe himself with his sleeves and in the process, revealed to the emperor that his fair beauty was 100% natural ~ his skin glowed even more with the cosmetics removed (《世說新語·容止第十四》: 何平叔美姿儀，面至白。魏明帝疑其傅粉，正夏月，與熱湯餅。既啖，大汗出，以朱衣自拭，色轉皎然). His kick-cosmetics’-ass fairness won him the nickname 傅粉何郎 (”powder-wearing Mr He”).

Not only would He Yan very likely be mistaken as a woman if this scene is transferred to a modern setting, but this scene can very well fit inside a Danmei story of the 21st century and is very, very likely to get axed by the Chinese censorship board for its visualisation. 

[Important observation from this anecdote: the emperor was totally into this trend too.]

The adjectives and phrases used above to describe these beautiful ancient Chinese men ~ 貌柔, 音容兼美, 白美, 美姿儀, 皎然 ~ have all become pretty much reserved for describing beauty in women nowadays. Beauty standards in ancient China were, as mentioned before, had gone through significantly long periods in which they were largely genderless. The character for beauty 美 (also in Danmei, 耽美) used to have little to no gender association. Free of gender associations as well were the names of many flowers. The characters for orchid (蘭) and lotus (蓮), for example, were commonly found in men’s names as late as the Republican era (early 20th century), but are now almost exclusively found in women’s names. Both orchid and lotus have historically been used to indicate 君子 (junzi, roughly, “gentlemen”), which have always been men. MDZS also has an example of a man named after a flower: Jin Ling’s courtesy name, given to him by WWX,  was 如蘭 (”like an orchid”). 

A related question may be this: why does ancient China associate beauty with fairness, with softness, with frailty? Likely, because Confucianist philosophy and customs put a heavy emphasis on scholarship ~ and scholars have mostly consisted of soft-spoken, not muscular, not working-under-the-sun type of men. More importantly, Confucianist scholars also occupied powerful government positions. Being, and looking like a Confucianist scholar was therefore associated with status. Indeed, it’s very difficult to look like jade when one was a farmer or a soldier, for example, who constantly had to toil under the sun, whose skin was constantly being dried and roughened by the elements. Having what are viewed as “macho” beauty traits as in the poster above ~ tanned skin, bulging muscles, bony structures (which also take away the jade’s smoothness) ~ were associated with hard labour, poverty and famine.

Along that line, 手無縛雞之力 (“hands without the strength to restrain a chicken”) has long been a phrase used to describe ancient scholars and students, and without scorn or derision. Love stories of old, which often centred around scholars were, accordingly, largely devoid of the plot lines of husbands physically protecting the wives, performing the equivalent of climbing up castle walls and fighting dragons etc. Instead, the faithful husbands wrote poems, combed their wife’s hair, traced their wife’s eyebrows with cosmetics (畫眉)...all activities that didn’t require much physical strength, and many of which are considered “feminine” nowadays.

Were there periods in Chinese history in which more ... sporty men and women were appreciated? Yes. the Tang dynasty, for example, and the Yuan and Qing dynasties. The Tang dynasty, as a very powerful, very open era in Chinese history, was known for its relations to the West (via the Silk Road). The Yuan and Qing dynasties, meanwhile, were established by Mongolians and Manchus respectively, who, as non-Han people, had not been under the influence of Confucian culture and grew up on horsebacks, rather than in schools.

The idea that beautiful Chinese men should have “macho” attributes was, therefore, largely a consequence of non-Han-Chinese influence, especially after early 20th century. That was when the characters for beauty (美), orchid (蘭), lotus (蓮) etc began their ... feminisation. The Chinese Communist Party (CCP), which started its reign of the country starting 1949, also has foreign roots, being a derivative of the Soviets, and its portrayal of ideal men has been based on the party’s ideology, painting them as members of the People’s Liberation Army (Chinese army) and its two major proletariat classes, farmers and industrial workers ~ all occupations that are “macho” in their aesthetics, but held at very poor esteem in ancient Chinese societies. All occupations that, to this day, may be hailed as noble by Chinese women, but not really deemed attractive by them.

Beauty, being an instinct, is perhaps much more resistant to propaganda.

If anything, the three terms Article O3 used to describe “effeminate” men ~ 奶油小生 “cream young men” (popularised in 1980s) , 花美男 “flowery beautiful men” (early 2000s), 小鲜肉 “little fresh meat” (coined in 2014 and still popular now) ~ only informs me how incredibly consistent the modern Chinese women’s view of ideal male beauty has been. It’s the same beauty the Chinese Communist Party has called feminine. It’s the same beauty found in Danmei. It’s the same beauty that, when witnessed in men in ancient China, was so revered that historians recorded it for their descendants to remember. It doesn’t mean there aren’t any women who appreciate the "macho” type ~ it’s just that, the appreciation for the non-macho type has never really gone out of fashion, never really changed. The only thing that is really changing is the name of the type, the name’s positive or negative connotations.

(Personally, I’m far more uncomfortable with the name “Little fresh meat” (小鲜肉) than 老婆 (wife). I find it much more insulting.)

Anyway, what I’d like to say is this: feminisation in Danmei ~ a genre that, by definition, is hyper-focused on aesthetics ~ may not be as "problematic” in Chinese as it is in English, because the Chinese tradition didn’t make that much of a differentiation between masculine and feminine beauty. Once again, this isn’t to say such mis-gendering isn’t disrespectful; it’s just that, perhaps, it is less disrespectful because Chinese still retains a cultural memory in which equating a beautiful man to a beautiful woman was the utmost flattery. 

I must put a disclaimer here: I cannot vouch for this being true for the general Chinese population. This is something that is buried deep enough inside me that it took a lot of thought for me to tease out, to articulate. More importantly, while I grow up in a Chinese-speaking environment, I’ve never lived inside China. My history knowledge, while isn’t shabby, hasn’t been filtered through the state education system.

I’d also like to point out as well, along this line of thought, that in *certain* (definitely not all) aspects, Chinese society isn’t as sexist as the West. While historically, China has periods of extreme sexism against women, with the final dynasties of Ming and Qing being examples, I must (reluctantly) acknowledge Chairman Mao for significantly lifting the status of women during his rule. Here’s a famous quote of his from 1955:

婦女能頂半邊天 Women can lift half the skies

The first marriage code, passed in 1950, outlawed forced marriages, polygamy, and ensured equal rights between husband and wife.  For the first time in centuries, women were encouraged to go outside of their homes and work. Men resisted at first, wanting to keep their wives at home; women who did work were judged poorly for their performance and given less than 50% of men’s wage, which further fuelled the men’s resistance. Mao said the above quote after a commune in Guizhou introduced the “same-work-same-wage” system to increase its productivity, and he asked for the same system to to be replicated across the country. (Source)

When Chairman Mao wanted something, it happened. Today, Chinese women’s contribution to the country’s GDP remains among the highest in the world.  They make up more than half of the country’s top-scoring students. They’re the dominant gender in universities, in the ranks of local employees of international corporations in the Shanghai and Beijing central business districts—among the most sought after jobs in the country. While the inequality between men and women in the workplace is no where near wiped out — stories about women having to sleep with higher-ups to climb the career ladder, or even get their PhDs are not unheard of, and the central rulership of the Chinese Communist Party has been famously short of women — the leap in women’s rights has been significant over the past century, perhaps because of how little rights there had been before ~ at the start of the 20th century, most Chinese women from relatively well-to-do families still practised foot-binding, in which their feet were literally crushed during childhood in the name of beauty, of status symbol. They couldn’t even walk properly.

Perhaps, the contemporary Chinese women’s economic contribution makes the sexism they encounter in their lives, from the lack of reproductive rights to the “leftover women” label, even harder to swallow. It makes their fantasies fly to even higher, more defiant heights. The popularity of Dangai right now is pretty much driven by women, as acknowledged by Article O3. Young women, especially, female fans who people have dismissed as “immature”, “crazy”, are responsible for the threat the Chinese government is feeling now by the genre.

This is no small feat. While the Chinese government complains about the “effeminate” men from Danmei / Dangai, its propaganda has been heavily reliant on stars who have risen to popularity to these genres. The film Dd is currently shooting, Chinese Peacekeeping Force (維和部隊), also stars Huang Jingyu (黄景瑜), and Zhang Zhehan (張哲瀚) ~ the three actors having shot to fame from The Untamed (Dangai), Addicted (Danmei), and Word of Honour (Dangai) respectively.  Zhang, in particular, played the “uke” role in Word of Honour and has also been called 老婆 (wife) by his fans. The quote in Article O3, “Ten years as a tough man known by none; one day as a beauty known by all” was also implicitly referring to him.

Perhaps, the government will eventually realise that millennia-old standards of beauty are difficult to bend, and by extension, what is considered appropriate gender expression of Chinese men and women. 

In the metas I’ve posted, therefore, I’ve hesitated in using terms such as homophobia, sexism, and ageism etc, opting instead to make long-winded explanations that essentially amount to these terms (thank you everyone who’s reading for your patience!). Because while the consequence is similar—certain fraction of the populations are subjected to systemic discrimination, abuse, given less rights, treated as inferior etc—these words, in English, also come with their own context, their own assumptions that may not apply to the situation. It reminds me of what Leo Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina,

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

Discrimination in each country, each culture is humiliating, unhappy in its own way. Both sexism and homophobia are rampant in China, but as their roots are different from those of the West, the ways they manifest are different, and so must the paths to their dissolution. I’ve also hesitated on calling out individual behaviours or confronting individuals for this reason. i-Danmei fandoms are where i-fans and c-fans meet, where English-speaking doesn’t guarantee a non-Chinese sociopolitical background (there may be students from China, for example; I’m also ... not entirely Western), and I find it difficult to articulate appropriate, convincing arguments without knowing individual backgrounds.

Frankly, I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing. Because I do hope feminisation will soon fade into extinction, especially in i-Danmei fandoms that, if they continue to prosper on international platforms, may eventually split from c-Danmei fandoms along the cultural (not language) line due to the vast differences in environmental constraints. My hope is especially true when real people are involved, and c-fandoms, I’d like to note, are not unaware of the issues surrounding feminisation ~ it has already been explicitly forbidden in BJYX’s supertopic on Weibo. 

At the same time, I’ve spent so many words above to try to explain why beauty can *sometimes* lurk behind such feminisations. Please allow me to end this post with one example of feminisation that I deeply dislike—and I’ve seen it used by fans on Gg as well—is 綠茶 (”green tea”), from 綠茶婊 (”green tea whore”) that means women who look pure / innocent but are, deep down, promiscuous / lustful. In some ways, its meaning isn’t so different from Daji 妲己, the consort blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. However, to me at least, the flattery in the feminisation is gone, perhaps because of the character “whore” (婊), because the term originated in 2013 from a notorious sex party rather than from a legendary beauty so maligned that The Investiture of the Gods (封神演義), the seminal Chinese fiction written ~2,600 years after Daji’s death, re-imagined her as a malevolent fox spirit (狐狸精) that many still remembers her as today.

Ah, to be caught between two cultures. :)

#tell-me-everything #pie metas #yizhan #bjyx

[blushing-titan]

My thoughts on ch. 139

Some of you may be familiar with my previous writings - I usually try to stay as collected as possible, but today's post will be different. Ever since the chapter came out, I've been reblogging a lot of rants and memes about it. Those of you who follow my blog (thank you so much, really happy to have you here! ❤) know that I didn't really enjoy this ending. I want to elaborate more on that in this post - my only advice is to buckle up, because today we may get a bit heated (I apologize in advance for the sassy approach - I usually try to stray away from that, but guess today's post is more of a stream of conciousness/rant) :'D

1. Ymir

Starting up with one of the most controversial things about this chapter. Up to this point, I felt really bad for Ymir. Her life was terrible - she was a young girl, who was enslaved and abused by king Shitz Fritz. After she was forced to run away from his hounds, she acquired the power of titans and used it to help the king's cause. For that, she was awarded with the king's seed (🤢), and eventually became a mother of three girls. Through her entire life, she was treated as a slave and a lesser-being by the king - she also died while protecting him, and her daughters were forced to eat her remains after that (🤢🤢).

It felt so tragic to see her 2000 years later, still walking blindly in the paths. It wasn't enough that she was hurt so badly when she was still alive - she remained enslaved to the abusive king even after she died. I was rooting for her to finally be freed from this nightmare - hence I was so happy when ch. 122 came out and we got this scene:

I was genuinely emotional when I saw her reaction. Finally, someone expressed some authentic care for her and tried to snap her out of this blind state. She would finally think about what she wants and try to free herself from the paths because, as Eren said, she was never a slave or a goddess - just a regular person. It's just like she finally let out all the pain that she's been suppressing for all these years.

Yeah...except, as it turns out, her awakening here changes nothing. She doesn't come to any conclusions, like, perhaps, that she doesn’t want to let herself be hurt and mistreated any longer...or that she should fight for herself, try to change her fate - because, after all, her life belongs to her - not anyone else.

Nothing like this happens. Why? Because, as it turns out, she's in love with king Fritz and needs to be proven by Mikasa that she can break this bond first.

....

💀💀💀💀

Excuse me, but...what?

Okay, first and foremost...am I supposed to believe that, during these 2000 years, no one else has gone against their unhealthy affection to someone toxic and unworthy of their love? No one? 🤡 Come on, we even saw that happen in the manga. What about Historia, who thought that her own mother hitting her was a sign of love? Who wanted to believe that her father was good, despite wanting to turn her into a titan? Where was Ymir when Historia stood up for herself against her father's wishes? Or when she flew up to him and delivered the final blow against him?

On top of that...what a disappointing conclusion to Ymir's story. I hoped that she would take her fate into her own hands, and - for example - be reborn and experience life as a free person, surrounded by people who actually care about her. Free herself from paths and destroy it - not because someone shows her that she can indeed detach herself from it, but simply because she wants to.

Instead, 80% of the world population is gone, because she needed to see that Mikasa is able to "free" herself from Eren in order to do the same.

🤡🤡🤡

2. Abandoned plotlines and plot-holes

Mikasa being a Hizuru princess? Never heard of that. Hallucigenia's fate? Who cares. Eren directing Dina's titan in Carla's direction in order to save Berthold? Nah, who would want any more info on that - guess he just couldn't direct her anywhere else. The Ackerman's headaches? Pfff. The fact that Mikasa shouldn't be affected by the memory altering, but somehow still is in the ending? "I guess she just forgot that she should be immune to this". Why was Historia's pregnancy implied as relevant if it wasn't in the end? So many precious panels wasted on that, when they could be used to help solve some other "unanswered questions" instead. Ehhh...🤷

3. Blatant character assassination

There, I'm saying it once again. I have no idea what happened in this chapter but the characters are off. What about Eren - the one who has always believed that freedom was his birthright, and has been fighting and moving forward for his goals? Yeah, turns out he has no idea why he was doing all of that. 

Remember Kenny's quote - everyone is a slave to something? I thought that this implication was pretty poetic in context of Eren's character. Through all his life, he sought freedom, but ironically, he was a slave to that dream...

...turns out it may have been a bit too poetic for this story because Eren is a slave to destiny. Literally - he's going on auto-pilot in order to reach that one moment in which Mikasa beheads him, so Ymir can watch and understand that she can do the same.

Nice joke...except not. Here go our main character's motivations 🗑

He casually commits unjustifiable crimes against humanity - not because he wants to be free or because he found the world beyond the walls disappointing, (...as we were led to believe). He did that because he doesn't know why - and then, he cries that he doesn't want Mikasa to ever find another guy.

:'))

Turns out Eren was somehow always in love with her too...? Yeah, weird way of showing it. Or should I say - not showing it at all.

If you read my previous writings, you know that I'm not very fond of Eremika. The way I interpreted it while reading the story: it was unhealthy, suffocating and one-sided. I hoped for Mikasa to move on and start thinking about herself for once.

Right, what about Mikasa? Has she finally moved on? Is she content with her life? Are her dreams coming true? What's her daily life after all this? Sadly, I don't have the answers. The thing we are shown instead, is how she's sitting next to Eren's grave and, once again, thanking him for wraping the scarf around her. The only thing that implies that she may be somehow still seeing other people is one bubble of text. After all 139 chapters of hoping for her character developement, that's it.

Keep in mind that all other characters are shown together - with their spouses, families and friends - yet Mikasa is still separated and alone. That's right - after she disappears with Eren's head, she's not shown with anyone else until the end of the manga.

While we're on the topic of others, too...do I have to talk about the scenes in which everyone shows some level of gratitude to Eren...for wiping 80% humanity for them? Because I have no words for this.

One last note: I found the humor to be slightly out of place, too. Seriously, after all these terrible events, with so many unanswered questions and character developement of these two...Reiner is still weirdly simping for (now married) Historia and Jean is called a horse face :') Idk, but it feels somehow surreal after everything that's happened.

4. Conclusion

What else can I say...the final chapter disappointed me and I'm pretty sad about it. I'm happy for the people who liked it, but also can't help but feel like it was very far from perfect. I've been following SnK ever since 2013 and it's a bittersweet moment for me. The series had a lot of amazing moments that I'll definitely remember forever. Meanwhile, I would like to read some of the author's thoughts about the way he chose to end the story - perhaps it would clear some confusion (...although I can't help the fact that my first opinion is already formed).

Thank you very much for reading my thoughts - as always, it means a lot to me! ❤ The images used in this post are obviously not mine!

#snk 139 #aot 139 #snk spoilers #snk manga spoilers #snk ending #anti eremika #eren jeager #mikasa ackerman #ymir fritz #historia reiss #snk meta

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

Would you be able to pick apart this take? For the life of me i cannot make heads or tails of this argument: 64 (.) media (.) tumblr (.) com/dd74c9305673411cfb80341342ff59d8/204b403772f4efe2-33/s640x960/62e638a8363c65a615e74c98d89d189481b3c862 (.) png

Homophobia roots largely from religion. "Man must not lie with other man, it is an abomination." that's the quote that religious homophobes like to throw around. You'll notice that the Bible has nothing similar to say about trans people and even if it does, can you quote it off the top of your head? I've never fully read the Bible and yet I know that quote above. Can't think of a single "transphobic" passage.

If homophobia was actually rooted in transphobia then when a little boy plays with barbies, his parents would worry he'd grow up to be trans, but they don't, they worry he's going to be gay. If homophobia was really rooted in transphobia, then seeing an overtly feminine man wouldn't make you think "oh, he's gay." you'd think he's either transitioning to a woman or hasn't figured out he's trans yet.

When the aids crisis happened, it was labeled as a gay disease, not a trans one. To this day, people still think aids is just a gay disease. I've never once heard it labeled as a trans one. Furthermore, gay men cannot donate blood but a trans woman who has been with a man can.

You know the man in a dress trope? I don't know about you, but when I was younger, I always felt like those characters were poking fun at effeminate gay men or were effeminate gay men who finally revealed their true colors (for lack of a better term.) I never once thought that they're making fun of trans people. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way: there's a video where a man goes around pranking his dad and in one of those pranks, he wears a dress and his father asks him "are you gay?" not "are you transgender" but "are you gay". The response to seeing a gnc person is by and large "are you gay".

Finally, trans people of the past were very much so homosexual. Like, there's a reason that being trans is associated with the lgb community despite the fact that there are heterosexual trans people. It's because for a while, being trans was just a gay person being extremely gnc or trying to escape discrimination and live with their partner in peace.

And no, the reason people talk about black trans women is not because they paved the way, it's because they think that they paved the way. I'm always in love with that take tbh, because, how can you think trans women gave us our rights when stonewall was a gay bar? You mean to tell me that we had no progress in our rights and yet there was somehow a gay bar just standing around? Who built that? How did we get far enough that a gay bar was allowed? That's the story I want to fucking hear.

This take is ridiculous.

[zellacchan]

TANAKA APPRECIATION DAY STARTS NOW

-THIS WHOLE EPISODE ABOUT HIM IS PERFECTLY WRITTEN, THE IMPACT IS BEAUTIFUL, AND I HAVE GROWN TO LOVE HIS CHARACTER SO MUCH MORE.

-TANAKA DOESN'T GIVE UP. that thought alone seems boring when you read it just like that, right? but this episode, ugh, man. it surfaced a whole new concept, you'd think the character was a genuine human, a real person from this world.

-how, exactly? let's start with the things that happened to Tanaka-senpai. ‘‘embarrassment. failure. yet despite that-you refused to give in, and you constantly repeated that in your mind. yet you still ended up getting even more disappointed than you initially were. nothing was going smoothly, and you didn't know why. 'it's okay. i'll keep going, it'll be alright.' you result to self encouragement, because it really isn't the time to feel down, just stay positive. force yourself to be.’’ was the type of situation he was in. normally, a person would give in to the despair, the negativity their mind kept bringing to them. because, i mean, what else could they do? everything was going wrong right in front of their eyes. and when they tried bringing themselves up again, their own teammate refused to help. getting them to toss to you after you called for one could've been the chance to redeem yourself, but no, it didn't. in a normal situation, you'd think ‘okok they might have a plan/they prolly have a better chance at scoring’ or ‘psh maybe next time.’ or even go ‘asjdjfjfj that was embarrassing!’ pretty much any thought, usually it wouldn't give a huge impact to you, and you're able to brush it off after a couple minutes then focus on the game again. but if its like the situation Tanaka was in? completely different scenario. it's likely to give more than a stab to your morale. could even serve as the final blow. even Bokuta-san knew this, as seen from how he passed out afterwards watching them. (maybe it's due to the relief that karasuno scored, tho his attention mostly focused on Tanaka, as once again shown from his reaction after Tanaka earned a point. plus the fact that he was aware of how he, himself would act if he's in Tanaka's position.) but, did that 'deal the final blow'? did it finally make him give up? nope, it didn't. (part of the credit goes to our sunshine child Shoyo, thank hEAVENS for this angel.) and even if Shoyo wasn't there to encourage him, i doubt he would've acted differently. it takes such an impossible amount of mental strength to survive those kind of life difficulties, moreover in sports. s p o r t s, where one mistake could ruin everything. and Tanaka-san had that strength. it merely showed it's pique on the very end, but he had it from the very beginning. hence, again, i doubt a different outcome—and i find that so so beautiful, bc honestly, let's be realistic here. not a lot of people could do that. they may try, but they can only reach so far before giving in. Tanaka was one of those rare gems, and this episode was incredibly inspirational about it. i just can't say that enough. it's anime, fictional. yet the emotions, the struggles and how it was depicted were more than on point, and that's why it's capable of such impact. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

-i dare say more; let's move onto his quotes. “i'm nothing but average. but still, my average self.. do you really have time to look down like that?” ohmygod. this needs to be my life motto. Tanaka-senpai you outstandingly positive man, i crave for his attitude-his viewpoint, way of dealing with sitautions and everything. it's so cool and awesome and just aAAAAA, how?! how is one capable of such thoughts?? please teach me. i beg of you. “i'm pretty sure i'm a normal human being. especially when it comes to my build and abilities. when i was a kid, i was convinced i was a genius. i might've thought that until i was in middle school. actually, i'm still sorta convinced that i am. but i'm probably never going to be 180cm tall. i'm confident in my athletic skills. but on our volleyball team, i'm not number one in anything at this point in time. but that's not a reason to quit, nor is it an excuse.” i'm screaming. just slapped the perspective and words i've longed to hear. what an ace, Tanaka-senpai deserves that title so much. it fits so perfectly. “as long as i keep trying until i can do it... i can actually do it!” yes, thank you, Tanaka-senpai, Furudate-sensei, for proving that giving up is just an illusion of success. once you've tried enough and you can finally do it, you've finally done it. it's possible.

I REPEAT, TANAKA RYUUNOSUKE DESERVES SO MUCH APPRECIATION. HE'S SUCH A BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN CHARACTER, AND WE ALL SHOULD SHOWER OUR LOVE TO HIM.

p.s i wrote this on the spur of the moment, (milliseconds after the episode ended) pardon if i dont make sense<3 just love tanaka ryuunosuke<3 thats all you need to know<33

#FIGHT ME. #haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyū!! #haikyuu icons #tanaka ryuunosuke #tanaka #tanaka headcanons #tanaka saeko #haikyuu tanaka #hq!! #hq!! anime #hq!! fanart #hq #hq art #hq fluff #hq manga #shoyo hinata #kagehina #hinata shoyo #hinata #kageyama icons #kageyama x hinata #kageyama tobio #kageyama #kenma #akaashi keiji #bokuto kotaro #bokuto #kiyoko shimizu

[starrysnowdrop]

Hey there! I don't know how to write this so I hope you won't mind my awkward phrasing XD

I've see a lot of negative posts about the Sorrow of Werlyt Quest Line, some even pretty aggressive. Now I feel so bad for liking it, I love the Siblings and how Gaius turns out to be an actually somewhat good Dad. I like the fights a lot, especially the second one. Had massive fun with posing and fooling around. I also love how the Villain is just that, a mean bastard who deserves some stab wounds.

But now I'm desperately searching for other people who like this quest line. Long story short... I've just wanted to ask how you see the story arc 😔 sorry again for writing so much nonsense 💜

Hi sweetie, thank you so much for reaching out to me @xxcrowfeatherxx! Before I begin my essay long answer, thank you so much for the amazing ask!

First, please don’t feel bad for what you enjoy, or begin to think that your opinion is invalidated because some are really vocal about what they dislike. You are allowed to enjoy the Werlyt storyline despite the fact that there are some who dislike it. Also, please don’t take my opinions as gospel either. Regardless if my opinions are similar or contradict your own opinions, please go on enjoying the Werlyt content! With that being said, let’s get into it, shall we?

My Thoughts on The Sorrow of Werlyt Up to Patch 5.4

I think I will get the less controversial aspects of Werlyt out of the way and say I’m in LOVE with the fact that we are fighting the weapons from FFVII. VII is one of my favorite games in the FF series, so I have been hyped since Ruby Weapon was announced. I absolutely loved all of the weapons and their respective battles, with Ruby giving me utter chills with Nael van Darnus popping out of the weapon all gooey, then the absolutely EPIC Sapphire duty that is taken right out of my childhood fantasies of wanting to pilot a gundam! Emerald Weapon’s trial even on normal mode was so much fun, and it tested my ability to stay alive and dodge all the mechanics really well. And just seeing the VII weapon designs in full HD quality just makes me squeal with joy every time.

Now, for what you are probably waiting for me to comment on: the Werlyt story. Obviously since we haven’t seen it through to completion, I can only comment on how it’s going so far through 5.4, so my opinions may change down the road. That being said, I don’t hate the storyline, but it’s more in the execution of certain plot points that annoy me.

For example, I adore that we are exploring Gaius’ past and the reveal that he had more “adopted” children, as it shows the kind of person Gaius really is behind the armor so to speak. I don’t hate that the Raen kids are there, or that Gaius seems to be on his way to having a full redemption arc, unlike some more vocal people have said on Twitter recently. I’m actually all for a redeemed Gaius, I just hope they do it well, and not just brush over certain things... unfortunately it seems so far that they have.

Not sure if you’ve seen the meme going around, but after Severa explained her past to Gaius, he had full shocked Pikachu face, right? That bothers me, because how can he NOT know that a majority of pure blooded Garleans look down on other races as inferior? I mean, Cid knows, how can Gaius be all shocked about this? I understand that Gaius may not be aware of all the dealings going on in other legions, sure, but the overall ideals of the Garlean Empire even talk about “subjugating primitive peoples” (that’s an Emet quote by the way for the reference), so that sounds like half-assed writing to me. It seems to me that they are painting Gaius as if his biggest sin is being ignorant of the problem instead of him coming to terms with himself being part of said problem.

There’s also the huge issue of what sounds like victim blaming Livia sas Junius for how she turned out to be. Millisandia’s friend explains to you that Gaius always tried to keep Livia at arm’s length because she was getting obsessive over him and trying to keep the others from getting near him. Well, Livia was another of the “adopted” children as well, so if anyone is to blame here it’s Gaius, not Livia. Yeah, “keeping her at arm’s length” by making her his right hand! Talk about mixed signals here. If he knew something was up about Livia’s behavior, he should have done something about it to help the situation, instead of rewarding her for her devotion instead.

Also, others have brought up the point that the Werlyt storyline with Gaius and the Raen “adopted” children is sort of redundant when this has already been explored in Cid’s backstory, and I agree to a point, but not fully. The fact that Gaius takes in children and raises them like they were his own is not new to Gaius’ story certainly, as Cid tells the WoL that “He was there for me father, when you were not”, but it’s not explored that much more than that. And as we know, Cid defects and leaves Garlemald to fight for Eorzea instead of following Gaius. Therefore, it’s interesting that the Raen children look to Gaius as an example instead of what Cid did, so I actually like that we have been given more exploration into the backstories of these characters in this storyline.

There’s also the fact that people have been critical about Cid seemingly forgiving Gaius for everything he’s done and just brushing it all aside like it’s no big deal in this storyline. I guess people get that impression when Cid tells the WoL that when he saw Gaius again in Praetorium, he doesn’t know why he wasn’t that mad at him like he thought he would be. Now, I need to go back and screenshot this conversation just to be certain of the details, but the impression I got was that Cid had mixed emotions about Gaius, but he was willing to put it aside for the greater good (ie: defeating the Weapons that will kill all of Eorzea). Also, Gaius practically raised Cid himself, and in a lot of ways, Gaius was more of a father figure to Cid than Midas ever was. So does this make Cid’s feelings towards Gaius complicated? Absolutely! Gaius still feels like a father to him, so I believe Cid gets a pass for having mixed emotions about the whole situation. Not to mention that Gaius wasn’t the one that almost killed him... but anyway.

I haven’t talked too much about Valens yet, but he’s so creepy and freaks me out, and that’s a great thing! He’s definitely a change from our more sympathetic villains we’ve had lately with Emet and Elidibus, so I’m actually happy about that as well. I honestly can’t wait till that piece of shit dies!

I know I made this way longer than anyone probably cares to read, but I’m honored that you asked me for my thoughts on Werlyt and I’ll be happy to talk about it anytime with you! Once again, thank you so much for the ask!

#asks and replies #xxcrowfeatherxx #ffxiv spoilers #shadowbringers spoilers #sorrow of werlyt spoilers #sorrows of werlyt spoilers #patch 5.4 spoilers #5.4 spoilers #sorrow of werlyt #gaius van baelsar #gaius baelsar #cid nan garlond #cid garlond #once again thank you so much for the ask!!

[sambergscott]

i've been down here before and i know the way out

Summary: Leo Peralta is named after all the greats - the Ninja Turtle, da Vinci, DiCaprio and McGarry. 

(someone asked me to write about the name leo for jake and amy’s baby paying homage to leo mcgarry from the west wing and since i've officially joined Team Leo, i figured i'd do this)

(the title has nothing to do with the fic, it’s just my favourite leo/josh quote and i *had* to use it) 

It’s a weird feeling, leaving his son for the first time. Sure, he’s only going down the hall to get some much-needed coffee and snacks and he’s in Amy’s more-than-capable hands, but he already feels like he’s missing out on so much. What if he opens his eyes? What if he latches for the first time? What if he says his first word? No, that would be crazy. 5 hour old babies can’t talk, not even when they inherit super smart Santiago genes. 

The point is: Leo is the coolest person he’s ever met, named after Leonardo from the Ninja Turtles (or if you ask Amy, some painter from the olden days), and leaving him, even if only for a few minutes, sucks.

He didn’t understand how any of the other Peralta dads could walk out on their sons before and he certainly doesn’t understand it now.

He could never abandon Leo.

Speaking of Peralta dads who abandoned their sons, he instantly recognizes the white hair and crumpled pilot uniform of the man at the coffee machine as his own father and braces himself for the least fun conversation of the day (even worse than a laboring Amy threatening to kill him if he tells her how to breathe one more time).

“Hey, grandpa,” he says, patting Roger on the back.

“Jakey!” He exclaims. “Congratulations, son.”

He’s received a lot of congratulations in the last few hours. From his mom, Amy’s parents, Amy’s brothers, the Nine-Nine, their extended families. Every time he picks up his phone to take a picture of the baby or Amy and the baby or a selfie of all three of them, there’s another 5 comments on his Instagram post about their new recruit. It’s all kind of overwhelming and he hasn’t got back to everyone yet (he knows Amy will want to send handwritten thank you cards anyway), but he has read the comments out loud to Amy and told Leo how loved he already is.

(It’s something Jake didn’t really know as a kid and he vows to raise his son differently, to tell him everyday that his mom and dad love him so much).

Captain Holt’s congratulations in particular brought tears to Jake, Amy and Leo’s eyes. To be fair, Leo was crying because he needed a diaper change, but still. It’s like he knew.

Ray Holt (Received 22:07):

Dear Amy, Jake and Leo (who Gina informs me is named after the ‘smokeshow’ actor Leonardo DiCaprio? According to the Internet Movie Database, he was in something called The Wolf of Wall Street and Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, although I have only seen the stage productions of the latter so cannot comment on his suitability as a name sake for your child),

Kevin, Cheddar and I would like to offer our congratulations on the birth of your first son. As newborns go, yours is very cute. We hope the labor went smoothly and that you are all enjoying this precious time as a family.

We understand it is customary to buy a stuffed animal for a newborn baby and since we could not agree on a lion (as his name is Leo) or a Corgi (as we have a Corgi called Cheddar), we decided to buy both. We hope you will have sufficient room to store both in your apartment. If not, we have kept the receipts on our person and will return your least favourite to the store.

We look forward to meeting the newest member of our Nine-Nine family and giving him his gifts. Please provide us with an appropriate time slot for visitation.  

I am very proud of you both. I know you will make excellent parents.

Sincerely,

Raymond Holt, Kevin Cozner PhD and Cheddar the Dog.

His dad’s two word congratulations pales in comparison to his Work Dad’s, but maybe that’s OK. They just have different styles. The more people who love Leo, the better, as far as Jake’s concerned.

He inserts his money into the vending machine and punches in the code for Sour Candies, then repeats the process for chocolate for Amy, while Roger makes them two coffees - strong. Parenthood is already exhausting; caffeine and sugar are the only thing stopping him from straight up passing out on the hospital floor and sleeping for an entire day. Well, that and the fact that he just had a baby who screams bloody murder when he’s not in his mom or dad’s arms.

“I’m going to need help carrying all this back to the room,” Jake says nonchalantly. “Want to come visit him?”

“Absolutely I do.”

“OK.” Nerves bubble inside of him as they get closer to Room 458 and he stops Roger just outside the door. “You have to promise me that if you go in there, you will be part of his life forever.” His eyes are dark, protective. He’s never been more serious about anything. “I will not let you treat him the way you treated me. He’s too good for that. If you’re in, you have to be all in. Are you all in?”

“I am,” he promises. “I know you’d probably find a way to throw me in jail if I let him down. And I won’t. I know I’ve been a selfish jerk but I really have changed - I want to be a good husband to your mom, a good father to you and your sisters and a good grandpa to your son.”

“His name is Leo,” Jake reveals, opening the door and smiling at the sight of Amy holding him. The tight feeling in his chest dissipates, replaced by a familiar warmth. He strides forward and kisses Amy, then Leo. “How were my two favourite people when I was gone? Missing me loads?”

“Of course,” she says without hesitation. “But other than that he just slept.”

“It’s tough being a baby, huh?” He whispers, stroking his son’s dark head of hair. “Maybe you can open your eyes for daddy now though?”

Nope. Nothing.

Damn it. He opened his eyes for Amy while he was in the bathroom earlier, which is totally not fair. She’s already turned him into a mommy’s boy before he had a chance.

(Not that he blames him. Leo does have a very awesome mom. The awesom-est).

“We brought you coffee,” Roger announces, stepping forward. “And congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Amy responds, gratefully accepting the to-go cup and taking a sip, despite it still being too hot. Not drinking coffee for 9 months was worse than all the worse bits of pregnancy combined. She complained about it constantly, but he’s pretty sure it was worth it all now.

“You look beautiful,” Roger says. “Considering you just had a baby.”

“Oh.” She grimaces at the back-handed, misogynistic comment and Jake hands his dad the precious cargo before he can dig himself an even deeper hole.

He hovers next to him, his super sharp detective instincts ready to catch Leo if anything happens.

Surprisingly - or maybe unsurprisingly, considering how he has at least 4 kids that Jake knows of (and maybe more that Roger himself doesn’t even know about, since he’s slept with so many women) - he holds Leo perfectly, supports his head, bounces him gently when he starts to shift like he knows he’s no longer with mom.

Jake takes a picture before he starts full on crying and then Amy takes a picture of 3 generations of Peralta men that, when framed, will make a perfect Christmas present for Karen.

“Leo’s a great name, by the way. I once knew a Leo. Leo McGarry. One of my teachers at flight school.” He pauses and Jake thinks he might start crying before the baby. “Great pilot, even better man. He was strict, but he believed in me, even when I screwed up my landings over and over. He had a heart attack and died a month before I graduated.”

“I’m sorry, dad,” he murmurs. He sounds like his version of Captain Holt and Jake would be similarly devastated if anything happened to him. Although losing his flight school mentor does explain a lot about why his landings are still bumpy as hell.

Roger smiles to himself. “He could’ve flown Air Force 1 if he wanted, the offer was there. But for some reason he decided to stick around and help idiots like me. He was the best of the best. Your Leo seems pretty great, too. You did good, kid. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks.” He exchanges a meaningful look with Amy. “We did good.”

“Peralta and Santiago. Always been a great team,” she grins.

As if hearing their names reminds him that he’s not being held by a) mom or b) dad, Leo wakes up and suddenly screams for them.

“Here, dad, I’ll take him.”

Roger transfers him back to Jake and like some kind of magic spell from Harry Potter has been cast, he calms back down, content in Jake’s arms.

“So dramatic,” Amy teases, taking another sip of coffee. “Maybe we should’ve named him after DiCaprio.”

#b99 fics #jake x amy #my writing #let me know what you think!!!

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

The Truths Found On Petram Viridios IV (2/?)

A/n: I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Read Part 1

____________

Chapter 2: Getting Along

There was so much you still had to learn about mice and Salamandrian men; minus the mice part. You were surprised by V'gha's chattiness. Why, it was no sooner when you two had taken a seat that he began asking about your culture, interests, as well as to what you did for occupation. It seemed that he was fascinated by how both you and Zeta-7 lived; being that you were the only human he's officially met, he wanted answers for the questions which his home world's databases could not answer. You couldn't fool him when it came to your acquaintance with Rick as his neighbor, but you played it off by saying that he was the local mad scientist that everyone knew of but gave little importance to; it hurts you to say this, for he was worthy of the highest praise, with his extraordinary mind and his winsome personality, but V'gha was more familiar with Zeta-7 then you had known; it seemed Rick had a bigger reputation then you had thought, and the chemist hoped that he could make his acquaintance once all this was over; how he could be interested after all your initial rudeness was inspiring and in its own right.

You found his straightforward nature refreshing, albeit at times coming across as nosy, but first impressions at times gave allowances for this; to discover that despite how one may come across in passing, is not always the sincerest, true version of oneself. There was no malice or ill intent in his inquiries or reactions to your answers, and while you had redirected many of his questions, he didn't seem to mind; whatever you shared gave him delight. Over and over you wondered why Rick couldn't have been seated at this table, for this creature could have shared all that fascinated him with a fellow scientist and they could have debated in peace over theories and experiments; for your part, you would have sat there raptly, admiring the like-minded individuals who might or might not have been jealous at one point or another over understandings, discoveries and what not. As you two talked, you scanned the garden with your eyes, and searched for Rick, but couldn't spot his bowl cut anywhere; you trusted that he'd show up one way or another, but you hoped for sooner rather than later. In the meantime, you two discussed how fascinating the planet and its inhabitants were while making remarks on the flavor of the food  "My soup is thin and looks as though I stuck my foot in it, but it tastes like honey." you commented as you set your spoon back down. "I'm not sure whether to drink it or to jar it."

"Neither. It's what your utensils will go in once you are done eating."

"Oh, I probably shouldn't have tasted it then."

"No harm will be done." he chuckled, which exposed his fine, sharp rows of teeth. "I've taken the liberty of scanning it to make sure."

If Zeta-7 had been here, he might've tried the utensil cleaner on purpose in the good ole' way of tasting the chemical when he should've tested it. Yet, since he wasn't here, you were ready to admit that you found V'gha a bit more intriguing then you had anticipated. When you had initially boarded the ship and met him upon entering a cabin, you were determined to despise him for you didn't want to appear weak in front of strangers, but it melted away as he decided to apologize once you two had reached your assigned table. Sure, you weren't really into reptiles, but whether it was how his skin glistened in the starlight, his intellect, or how his bright oval eyes seemed to bore into you as you spoke, it was somewhat flattering; you thought only Rick could make you feel this way; hopefully, it was his simple charm and newfound politeness, and nothing more. To ease the anxious thoughts which were building in your chest, you glanced at the empty third chair. "Do you think Noathamas is in trouble?"

"I'm not sure." he confessed in all seriousness. "After all, he did violate one of their laws which was not to eat any of the guests. I don't know what came over him, but hopefully, whatever consequences come his way, will simply be disciplinary action and nothing more."

"Yeah, that would be good."

Though, you blamed the fact that the knight had returned from battle not long ago, and might've been triggered by something done or said; you hoped he'd survive. To distract yourself further, you stabbed your synthesized meal. It was a mass of congealed worm meal, and you pretended to eat it, but you weren't really hungry; it was supposed to be calcium-rich if you were correct. "So," you wondered as you pushed away your dish. "where you're from, do you do stuff like this?"

"You mean attend formal gatherings where I'm not allowed to have fun? Or meet total strangers that I'd rather study then stand next to? Hmm, more often than I'd like. It does have its perks. I'm highly respected in my field and get paid well, but I don't get out much unless it's work-related. A majority of my free time is used to study journals or to sleep. Occasionally both."

"That's a bummer. Not the studying part, because that can be fun if it's a topic you're passionate about, but you strike me as someone who enjoys good company. I'm surprised that at this point you haven't mentioned hanging out with friends or family."

The pause in conversation didn't seem long enough for your liking, but neither was it short enough to keep its natural flow. There seemed to be a distant, far off look, as though he were staring through you, at someone else; longing; one which would've gone without notice if you hadn't been used to reading people who were like Rick; intelligent, curious, lonely people who were less like normal men, but were no less mortal, and not quite a machine. When he started, you hadn't expected the familiarity in his words. "I consider my lab as my friend and my lab samples as my family. It's where I am most of the time."

Before you met Rick, would he have said the same? Almost, for his inventions and things bought, made, or salvaged held meaning; he was very sentimental but desperate to cling on to good feelings; maybe, these two weren't so different. "I used to feel the same way about the characters I wrote," you started, wondering if this was a good idea. Yet, now that you've shared this much, you couldn't stop now. "and the stories which I typed for others consumption and entertainment. It's as though you spill and pour a bit of yourself into these dreams and passions. As a famous singer once sang, 'You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.'"

"What a way to put it. I think I might've heard the song you quoted some years ago. I believe my satellites picked up the transmission."

You smiled at that. You had heard the stories, read the theories, and admired man's will of wanting to make contact with the unknown; if only they would have known what they were getting themselves into. It wasn't all bad, and could very much be as Star Trek would put it, 'To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before!' And to watch an intellectual man like Zeta-7 to almost wax poetic about the marvels and atrocities which were in the depths of space, and listening to how an alien admired what was in another quadrant of space, why it warmed your heart. "That's neat. It's funny," you admitted a bit quietly at first, then you raised your eyes towards him. "I'm not used to these kinds of events, but I gotta admit that it hasn't been so bad. You've made an otherwise tiresome task a joyful one."

You had long since noticed that his face was very stiff when it came to expressing emotions, but he still managed a smile that was no less winning. And unlike most of the evening there was an unaccountable silence. Till now, it seemed nothing could stop the Salamandrian from talking, but whatever had come over him went away as a danceable tune began to play, and you felt a subtle shift as he stood and wondered if you cared to dance. Keeping in mind the strict rules of this planet, you raised a brow, but he seemed to know what to do. "Come, I'll show you how it is done."

With a nod, you followed him all the while keeping a fair distance. Beneath your feet, you felt the bumpy path through your thin flats and relished the strong gust of wind that whipped your hair about. If you had closed your eyes, you could almost imagine yourself back home in Rick's backyard, remembering one of the first times you urged him to dance under the moonlit night, admiring how he colored when you realized it was a first for him; reluctant he stood on the patio unsure of what to do, but you smiled at him and told him there wasn't much to it because it was simply more romantic. Oh, how your heart ached for those days, but there wasn't much time to continue reminiscing, for you were dragged back to reality by the candor of the chemist's voice. "We're here."

On a raised platform was a honeycomb pattern of tiles, which illuminated when stepped on. V'gha took his place and stood very still until a see-through chamber enclosed him in. There was no panic or surprise, which led you to believe that he had done this before. In like manner, you followed his lead and took your place a few feet away and stood still until a chamber rose to encapsulate you in it. You felt a tightness in your chest, and took deep breaths in order not to panic, but a new tune began to play and it struck you with a sense of deja vu. 

A glance at the stage revealed the appearance of a tall, veiled figure surrounded by six guards. You pressed a hand over your heart, feeling it quicken as he swiftly, but gently passed his fingers over a golden orbed plant which had very stiff leaves, and when it detected movement, it vibrated, and this, in turn, caused it to emanate a sound a little more delicate than that of a kalimba. Its melody seeped into your bones, buzzing against your skin, and in it you felt a sense of belonging and warmth to a moment. Along with the veiled figure was the being made of pure energy, whose voice added body to the already beautiful tune; flowers bloomed at high frequencies, and thread-thin roots spread along the stage and dance floor; illuminating at rhythmic intervals.

You imagined yourself dancing with Zeta-7, on a plane of nothingness; submerged in a viscous sweetness then rising to the surface; floating, falling, losing yourself in a funny world, with every intrinsic, idiosyncratic, and inviting thing in your path; laced fingers, shared breaths, surrounded by his warmth, secure in the nearness of him, and sure in his grasp; he was incandescently happy, and he was as much yourself as you were of him. "C-can you hear me princess?" he whispered.

You could hear him, but you couldn't answer. Lips ghosted over yours, whispering phrases you thought you recognized; haunting you; trying to tell you something of the utmost importance, but the song ceased, and the figure was gone; breaking the trance you hadn't known you'd been under. When the chamber returned from whence it had come, you followed V'gha back to the table; confused, embarrassed, lost, but with a sense of knowing. You thought to yourself that the veiled figure could've been Rick, for who else could evoke such feelings except for Rick; that or it truly was a tune which was out of this world. "You're quite a dancer." he commented, which interrupted your thoughts.

"What are you talking about? I didn't do anything."

Taking a sip of his murky beverage, he explained. "There is no physical dancing done on this planet, except to those exclusively done by royalty and that of the Milleannos guardians. What the rest of us did, including yourself, was dance with our soul. None of us can really discern what the other is dancing to, which makes it appropriate and is in line with the laws, but while the others might not have understood what you were about, I could tell from the bliss which you exhibited on your face when we came back this way. It made me conclude you had enjoyed yourself. Call it instinct, but I believe this is the happiest you've been all evening."

Again, he wasn't wrong. Yet, how could you not know? It's possible that Zeta-7 didn't know it would take place either. You remembered how you felt, how real and tangible it seemed, but if that was the case, were you really dancing with Rick, or the idea of him? Did it matter? 

The music now, albeit stimulating, was light and nearly silent as though someone was lightly humming. It was not as provoking as the tune earlier had been, but perhaps the experience you had was exclusive to your own feelings. "I did enjoy myself," you replied. "did you?"

"It was fascinating," he admitted smoothly. "but I much more prefer the view of all twenty-nine of this planet's moons. I cannot study the intangible thought of a feeling."

"If it helps, I much would've preferred regular dancing, but the experience...it's… it's one I wouldn't mind trying again." 

One you wouldn't mind trying again, but only with Rick.

Tbc

#Doofus Rick #Doofus Rick x reader #rick sanchez x reader #Rick Sanchez #multi chapter #j19ζ7 #rick j19z7 #rick j19zeta7 #j19zeta7 #j19z7 #My writing #My works #my fanfiction #Fanfiction #rick and morty fanfiction #Rnm #Rick and morty #Rnm fanfic

[tibby]

Can you speak more on Steve Harrington's trauma? I've never seen anyone address it, seemingly dismissing his character as just a "dumb mom friend" or whatever...

sure! i’ll stick to the show with this, because even though i have a lot of thoughts wrt steve and his life and why he acts the way he does, it’s all personal interpretation and not actual canon (though would happily discuss those more anytime.)

before i get into any specifics with regards to what steve has been through during the show, i do want to discuss a little about what we can assume of his relationships pre-nancy, and pre-everything: 

canon doesn’t give us a lot to work with in regards to steve’s parents, but based on what we do know, it doesn’t seem good. we can assume that they’re somewhat neglectful and have an unhappy marriage, presumably featuring adultery. he only refers to his father as an asshole or a douchebag and seems reluctant to follow in his footsteps. it seems like he has a slightly better relationship with his mother, but we also don’t know much about her outside of her following his father on business trips because she doesn’t trust him. regardless of how people personally interpret how bad it is, at the very least, he seems lonely and uncomfortable with his family.

up until the final two episodes of season one, we know that steve is king of the school and uses this power to his advantage. but despite his clout, he doesn’t seem to have any actual friends outside of tommy h and carol (and nicole, i guess, but she appears in like three scenes and we don’t really know much about her.) and tommy and carol aren’t good people. it’s not just that they’re horrendous bullies to jonathan and nancy, but they’re not great to steve either, given how quickly tommy turns on him. how quickly he threatens him, and how scared steve is in that moment. and given that tommy participates in mocking steve with billy a year later, it clearly was never that healthy of a friendship. your only friendships being with toxic people who don’t care about you as a person is always going to be damaging, regardless of how “popular” you are.

(steve’s unpleasant family/friendships pre-nancy seem backed up by a quote from the duffers that i can’t read because it’s behind a paywall but is referenced in the wiki: “what kind of family life [Steve] comes from and maybe this girl Nancy is quiet and listens in a way that other people haven’t listened to him at this point.”)

which brings us to the show. steve finds someone, maybe the first person who’s ever really cared about him, the girl he really likes. and he’s protective of her and wants to be with her and ends up fucking up in the process (i maintain that steve had every reason to go after jonathan for the photos, but he was absolutely in the wrong for the slutshaming and the alleyway fight.) 

but the fight shifts something in him, makes him want to right his wrongs, so he finally dumps his toxic friends (one of whom physically threatens him in the process) and goes to apologise. and walks right into a monster trap.

steve gets no context as to what’s happening when the demogorgon shows up, doesn’t get any explanation from jonathan and nancy (not that they’re at fault for that, given the circumstances,) and is basically just confronted with the sudden knowledge that monsters are real. and he ends up saving nancy and jonathan from it.

in an ideal world, the trio would have helped each over with their trauma together and would’ve been friends and would’ve had more natural progressions of their relationships. i don’t like reducing nancy and jonathan’s traumas to Just the monster thing, but it’s how the show tends to handle it, and i really feel like steve’s own trauma with what happened that night should have been addressed even slightly, particularly in relation to the two of them.

(quick sidenote: my issue with the way the show handles jonathan/nancy and their “shared trauma” is a whole other thing, but i really don’t understand how the show can basically reduce it to the fact they fought a monster together, and then leave steve out of the equation entirely. i wouldn’t have an issue if the show actually looked into the trauma both jonathan and nancy have outside of the monster stuff, but since it refuses to develop that, it…bothers me that steve’s role in what happened and resulting trauma is shoved aside, and they both now just ignore his existence entirely.)

but the show didn’t do that, so let’s get into season two, and steve harrington’s very rough week:

gets dumped! it should be noted that i don’t blame nancy for the breakup, nor do i think she was a bad person who set out to harm him. she’s a confused seventeen year old girl dealing with the loss of her best friend, and i don’t think she deliberately led steve on for a year or knowingly lied to him about her feelings. but it’s still going to be hurtful when your significant other reveals that they didn’t love you, they only thought they did. and steve loved nancy, cared about her, took comfort in her - she was the first person to listen to him, to care about him, to like him for who he really was, not for the mask he put on. i wish they’d gotten a proper conversation about their relationship in either season two or three, particularly as the destruction of the high school fairytale (the relationship between the coolest guy in school and the girl next door) is an important element to both their characters. i know steve says that he’s over her in season three, but i still know that that’s an incredibly heartbreaking thing to go through, even if it wasn’t a relationship based on an illusion - the kids that they were before.

gets involved with more monster hunting stuff, this time with a bunch of bratty middle schoolers! overall, i think stranger things handles the collective trauma the entire gang have like…terribly. i find it weird that it’s been three seasons and the only time the party/the teens/jopper are ALL together is in the final two episodes when it’s Boss Battle time. and i know i shouldn’t expect much from a show which barely lets separate people handle their trauma, but i feel like…maybe they should all like, sit and talk and comfort each other? keep an eye on each other? i don’t know. i think the trauma steve has is trauma he would share with all the others, especially since season two properly involves him with all the monster stuff (plus fighting them is hard enough without also having to deal with his past experiences, a big head injury, and the lives of a bunch of thirteen year olds in his hands.)

gets beat up! again! this time it’s not deserved! i really don’t understand why the fandom acts like steve’s repeated injuries each season are a joke and not like…a genuine cause for medical concern within the universe. i get that it’s basically played for laughs in the show and this incident in particular is used to once again highlight how violent billy is. i don’t have much to elaborate on here but i feel like someone needs to check in on steve and all the head related trauma he’s suffered through in the past eighteen months.

and after all of that, steve is just…left on his own to deal with it. he gave up his friends for nancy, and they weren’t particularly good friends in the first place. nancy left him. he and jonathan don’t ever talk. all he has are the kids and it’s not as if he can really talk about his trauma with a bunch of fourteen year olds. out of all the main cast, he’s the one that has the least support when it comes to this. nancy and jonathan have each other. joyce and hopper have each other. the party has each other. the byers family has each other. el and hopper have each other. but steve doesn’t have the same support system, and there’s nothing to suggest in canon that he actually interacts with the other teens/adults.

steve’s left alone in general, really. he maintained somewhat of his social status following the events of st1/st2, since he mentions being prom king to robin, but does he really…have any friends his age? he lost tommy and carol when he chose nancy, and those two latched onto billy (who, again, is someone who hurt steve and who steve does not like.) he and nancy broke up, and considering he shared about ten words with her and jonathan in st3, it’s safe to assume he’s not really friendly with them. and we don’t ever see any acknowledgment that steve has friends his age, even if it’s just…normal people who don’t know about the monster stuff.

it’s not until he meets robin that he really finds someone he can talk about any of this with, and even then it just comes with more trauma. i feel like steve’s experiences tend to get played for laughs and i really got that vibe in season 3. steve was tortured and drugged. he took another beating, arguably his roughest one yet. he and robin both thought they were going to die down there. it’s not really handled at all within the show, but it’s a lot for someone to go through, especially when combined with the past year and a half of steve’s life.

anyway. i don’t think the show will ever actually address steve’s trauma (or anyone’s, really) which is sad because like the others, he’s been through a lot and i think some acknowledgement/discussion of it would further help his character development. but i guess that just isn’t as funny as writing him off as an idiot and a loser.

#under a cut because this got long lmao #ask #Anonymous #meta

[simpinforyoongi]

Shameless ~

Yoongi x reader

Pairing: Yoongi x reader

Genre: Angst, (a lot of it)

Warnings: none

Summary: After coming back from Yoongi's studio heartbroken, you decide to scribble your thoughts down on paper, like you've done so many times. What you didn't know was how that little poem would led to your worst heartbreak yet.

Note: Heyy guys! So i just wanted to say that this one is heavily inspired by @krreader 's fic Jealousy and you can treat it like a sequel to hers (but mine ends in angst too and I've changed a few things up). Like you wouldn't believe how much i cried when i read hers amd i just couldn't not write it!! AnYWaYS, enjoy!!

• • • • • • •

"Can i go? "

"Go wherever you want hyung, why are you asking me??" Namjoon answered as he put on his winter boots to prevent the cold chilly November winds from freezing his feet.

"No i meant...I want to go..to her.." Yoongi's voice was unnaturally small and feeble, contradicting his usual deep tone.

Namjoon jerked up, standing straight suddenly.

"But hyu-"

"Please Namjoon, I know you care deeply for her, and don't want her to get hurt anymore because of me but I just.."

Namjoon instantly started shaking his head no,

"No no hyung, go, all that happened, i know you didn't mean it to." He gave the older man a small smile "I'll let her know."

"NO! No, she, " Yoongi said with wide eyes, "She won't even open the door if she knows it's me."

"Oh right haha lol ok uh.. I won't call her then" Namjoon says fidgeting awkwardly, almost wanting to say something, but when he saw Yoongi looking at the door with a certain amount of longing, mixed with regret, guilt, fear and everything in between, he decided it was worth a shot.

"Hyung, i know you love her," They held eye contact and Namjoon continued, "and if I'm not wrong, she loves you too. And she's been hurting, for long, just like you and even longer, actually. I know I'm younger than you, but i gotta say this. don't fuck it up."

Namjoon looked down for a moment before looking back up with a sincere smile, "Best of luck! Fighting!" and with that, Yoongi left for your apartment without any bodyguards, without anything at all because that was a risk he had to take.

---

You were still in bed, Namjoon had called earlier saying he's coming, and to be honest you actually wanted him to come. You needed someone to talk to, and he was the best person for that. You were completely undercovers, and came out only when it became too difficult to breathe in the carbon dioxide that gathered inside your little blanket-bubble.

It had been two weeks since the breakup, and you had even visited them in the meantime because you were strong, and knew how to keep your emotions in control when in front of others, despite the fact that you were about to breakdown any moment. You had cooped yourself up in your little apartment for way too long and your loving friends, aka members of Bangtan had dragged you back to their apartment, even though they knew it was dangerous considering the fact that the cause of all your pain was right there. But there wasn't much they could do and places they could go because, well, they're like only the biggest boy group on Earth. So you went there, insisting you were fine.

But you weren't.

Realllyy weren't.

But once the question left his lips, you knew it was over for you. This, this facáde was instantly crushed when he asked the question.

You had been playing "Truth and Dare" because no matter how sucky you were feeling, you just couldn't seem to say no to the three pairs of puppy eyes that you received. And that landed you in a somewhat boring, somewhat funny game of Truth and Dare, and even though he was there, you seemed to have fun until he asked you that question.

"Do you love someone else now?" and it was something you never in a million years had expected.

So you sat there, completely dumbfounded, much like the rest of the group, at the question that had left Yoongi's lips. And you just, couldn't do anything.

But shortly, anger bubbled up inside you.

How dare he accuse you of loving someone else when you were literally on the verge of just ripping your heart out? How dare he accuse you like that when he was the one who broke up with you? How dare he ask you that when he hadn't even given you enough time to speak before he started yelling at you that day?? How dare he??

"How dare you?" And that's all that seemed to leave your mouth before you stood up and stumbled out of the dorm with everyone except him calling after you.

Another tear escaped as you remembered the happenings of the day. But before you could wail in your sorrow any more, a bell rung throughout your apartment.

You stood up and walked to the door with tears still decorating your cheeks,

Finally Joon is here.

You felt like you could breath better for a second but all wind was knocked from your lungs when your eyes landed upon the face that stood in front of you.

Yoongi..

With a black mask and cap, and covered completely in winter clothes, there he stood in all his wintery glory, and you still knew it was him despite only his eyes being visible, that too, partly visible.

You felt your heart constrict and your rib cage felt too small now. A brand new bolt of pain jolted up your sides, almost as if physical, and striked your heart with such force you wouldn't be surprised if you had a heart attack then and there. But you didn't, you stood there, watching him, and he stood there ,watching you.

It wasn't until you shivered from the cold winds hitting your body which was bare of any winter clothing, that you jumped back into reality.

"Do you mind if I..." He trailed off, but you moved aside letting him in. He had expected a much harsher reaction, after all, he did throw some extremelt hurtful and lewd accusations at you that day. But he was grateful you didn't close the door in his face, or throw the little dried up potted plant at him. He took that as a good sign, but with you, everything wasn't as simple.

He took off his coat and hung them on the rack beside the shoe cabinet, before pulling off his boots and keeping them aside. Then he followed you into the living room.

"Coffee??" You questioned while preparing some. He wasn't sure if he wanted one, he opened and closed his mouth for a few seconds, and finally settled on a yes.

A few beats passed in complete silence, before you joined him and handed him a simple black coffee and took a seat on the single sofa opposing him.

Another few moments passed

"You still remember," he said motioning to the coffee in his hands

"It's not that hard to remember two ingredients, Suga. Besides, it's been just two weeks."

His heart shattered when you said that, firstly, on hearing 'Suga' instead of the usual 'Yoongs' or 'Yoongles' that you called him, especially because you knew he pretended to hate, but actually loved it. Hell he would've been more happy to be addressed by his full name, Min Yoongi, rather than Suga. And secondly, because of the small and almost inaudible, crack that he heard in your voice towards the end of the sentence.

You still didn't know why exactly you were so calm and not driving him out of your home. It was as if everything stopped mattering for a moment

"Two weeks. Yea," he finally spoke, eyes not quite meeting yours.

A few moments passed in complete and utter silence.

"I didn't know you wrote lyrics too." Ah yes, the song that Namjoon was producing, you had helped him with the lyrics. Not as much as helped actually, you had just randomly written some words and sentences and somehow he noticed it. He said it fit perfectly with the previous verse he had written and asked if he could use the whole poem in his song. You were completely flabbergasted and thought he was kidding, or perhaps pitying you, but after a lot of convincing, he told you he wasn't. And you told him he could, that's why you were in the professional studio in the first place. Another reason why Yoongi misunderstood you, but it was in no way Namjoon's fault. And Yoongi knew that.

"I didn't. It was supposed to be a poem. He saw it by accident." You yourself were pretty surprised at how calm you were.

"But.. I thought i read all your poems..?" his voice had a questioning tone to it.

"You did.. It was recent.." It indeed was recent. Painfully recent. You had written it just the night before, after coming back from Yoongi's studio without even talking to him properly, because he had, and i quote "a shitton of work to do" . Shit ton of work, with her. That completely broke your heart into a million pieces. You thought it couldn't break any further but you were terribly wrong. That was when you wrote it.

The poem was about, well, you guessed it, heartbreak; loneliness. Something about empty bed sides, lost warmth, tear streaked pillows, you couldn't fully remember. Your mind had been hanging like a 2005 Dell Laptop because of all the crying.

"When?"

"That night after i came back from your studio." You smiled a little, even if your insides were aching, "speaking of that, hows the production going?"

"Oh it's.. going well I suppose." He looked immensely intrigued by his cup of coffee,

You again smiled.

"Yea, you looked...quite happy." You took a sip of your own coffee, before looking out the window. Frosty winds were blowing, it was getting darker by the minute. It looked...serene.

But Yoongi was having none of this serenity,

"Happy? What...do you mean?" His voice had a sudden change of colour. But this question had your heart clenching and unclenching at a rapid, unhealthy rate.

"You and Suran." You finally croaked out, "You looked happy..with her. It was.. a sight for sore eyes, really." Earlier, whenever you even remotely thought about this, your eyes turned to waterfalls, but now, they seemed dry of any excessive moisture.

Yoongi was dumbfounded. He and Suran?

"What do you mean me and Suran? I'm just helping her!" He semi-yelled, but you didn't flinch like you did last time.

"I know that."

"But what did you mean by happy... wait...did you think we...oh my god." He slumped down back to his seat, coffee long forgotten on the coffee table.

"Y/n why didn't you tell me that?? Why didn't you tell me what you were feeling?? Why di-"

"I DID!!" You finally broke and yelled out with tears streaming down your eyes for the umpteenth time that day.

"I did tell you!!! I texted you a thousand times!! But you didn't read any of those. I called you a thousand times but i was always directed to voicemail. And the times that you did actually listen to me you had the same excuse every time. 'Im just helping her.' I know that Yoongi, I freaking.know. But what do you expect me to think when you cancelled evey date the past three months?? When the smile that you usually had when you were with me, could only be seen when you were with her?? When the way that you looked at her, the way that you smiled at her, the way that you admired every little thing she did completely resembled the way only a lover would. What did you expect me to do, when i felt like you were her mentor, her idol, her Min yoongi, not my...not my..." You couldn't finish the sentence before you completely bursted out in tears.

And as you sobbed uncontrollably, Yoongi was left to think about what you had said. And as he recalled everything he realized that none of your words were wrong.

The fact that he had ignored you so freaking much despite you being so patient with him hit him like a truck and he started spiralling into a dark deep hole of guilt and regret when you suddenly-

"Leave."

He was shocked back to his senses.

"Y/n wha-"

"I said. Leave. " You said as you stood up on lightly trembling feet and started walking towards the door.

"Y/n just listen to me give me a chance to expl-"

"Did YOU give me a chance to fuckin' explain??!! Did you even let me SPEAK when i was begging in front of you to calm down?! No. So leave."

Your heart was pounding at such an extreme rate that you feared he'd hear it and realize, that he was still your weakness. And you couldn't let that happen.

"Suga. I'm asking you to leave." With a shaking hand you opened the door and stood aside.

"Y/n please jus-"

"Are you that shameless?!"

That effectively shut him up. Just as you expected. As he finally left with a wounded heart, you slammed the door and slid down to the floor, trembling with quiet sobs.

"Are you that shameless?? That you finally resorted to seducing one of my brothers?? What else did you do huh y/n? Did you try your luck with Jungkook too?? Oh and what about Taehyung?!"

"Hyung it isn't what it looks like. Just listen to-" Namjoon spoke, trying to calm him down but to no avail.

"Namjoon just...just stay out of it. I just can't believe she'd do this to me. I can't freaking believe she'd cheat on me with yo-"

"Yoongi stop it!" You yelled while crying as you stood in front of the man you loved and who apparently loved you too.

"Why y/n? Why should i stop?? Just so you can go behind my back again? Just so you can break my heart again? Just so tha-"

"Can you pleeasee just let me speak Yoongi. I was here because -"

"Enough! Enough of your lies! I really can't believe you out of all people would do this to me. We're done y/n. We're freaking done." And with that, he stomped out of the studio, leaving you a crying, heartbroken mess.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

#yoongifics #bts fanfictions #bts yoongi #bts fics #bts #bts scenarios #bts suga #suga angst #yoongi angst #yoongi texts #yoongi fanfic #army network #armysource #bangtan network

[whats-the-story-tc]

7th of June, 2019

"The One with the Conversation"

[tw for anxiety]

Hiya, guys! I hope you all get to rest in the winter break, and celebrate, if you do Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Yule or anything of the sort. Anyway, today, I really started missing V, so here are some old stories I randomly remembered, that I thought I should tell you guys. This will be part one, there's another story like this incoming.

June 7th, ordinary day, near the end of school year, summer, fun. Everything's ace. Except for... that conversation. You see, about a week prior, we had to write this essay for V on "what it means to be human for me". And, after a long debate with myself, I chose to include my issues with anxiety and depression, as they're a pretty big part of my human experience. When I got it back, graded, I saw only a little question written next to the paragraph. "What's the story?" That's where the URL comes from.

On the 7th, after class is when I decided to tell her my story. I'll just quote the texts I sent to my friends, so you'll get the hang of what happened, because I don't think present day me could tell you more accurately than that.

To Pocketwatch Friend, translated from my native tongue:

"I hate when people feel sorry for me. And I know V will never say she feels sorry for me but I saw it. I forgot that those who love literature are some of the most emotional people, even if they don't show it. I didn't want help or pity, that's not why I wrote what I wrote. I wanted a civilised, mature discussion with a mature person I trust. And even though this was mature, I think half of it was just us trying to read the other's reaction."

"I didn't want her to think, I didn't want her to help, because if I don't help myself, we can't achieve anything, not even if a whole school stands behind me. I just wanted a chat. Of course I can't blame her or myself, it just went to shit..."

"And then she asks me if [our homeroom teacher] knows. Fuck, that poor woman would go into a cardiac arrest if I told her about this 🤡"

I didn't have to. She saw me break down. I had a serious anxiety attack in church the week after, on the last day of school. So I guess, she found out either way. But whatever. Remember what V asked me here. It's gonna be important later.

"I understand her reactions, but this isn't really what I was hoping for. She said goodbye to me saying that she will be thinking about this a lot. Then fucking think, but this isn't what I wanted! Of course everyone would be shocked at first, but..."

Then I went on rambling. Yeah. Pretty intense, isn't it? But doesn't contain some of the more important details I only remembered hours later.

Here's what I told my other friend, but only the things I didn't already talk about (direct quote, as we speak English w/ each other):

"I have [told her I don't need help]! And while she said it's a noble thing that I want to solve it all on my own, I have to be careful not to fall ill because of the weight of it. I told her it already happened, but I did pull myself back in Paris [long story]. Plus I got out of social anxiety on my own! If I could do that, I can do this too. I told her this as well."

"We also spoke about my inability to concentrate. [V in red, me in black.] "Despite that fact, you still do quite well in class." "Most of it is luck." *smile* "Do you think luck is all there is to it?" "Of course not. But a large part of it." "

So, yeah. Classic me, I could only remember the positive bits later, once I've vented the negative out (and went to this school-organised event, a kind of ball that afternoon to hang out with my friends). The texts to Pocketwatch Friend are from about 2 PM-ish, where the experience was still fresh, and the other two from around 10 PM.

We could say this is one of the main things that shaped my relationship with V. I mention us analysing each other's reactions, but really, we had never been more open. Me with everything I said, and her with the concerned eyes. She is really expressive with her gazes, that's why I talk about them so much. When she's concerned for you, you know it. It's evident. That's why the blog's title is "All the little ways she cares".

The other one... the quiet compliment, in that last one. She knows I'm smart, has known since day one. I remember texting my friend after my first lesson with her and saying "okay guys, I'm sure our middle school English teacher told her about me". She spoke about this grammar-related rule thing, and asked the people who understand it to raise their hands. Nobody did, as far as I remember. And V deadass said "I know Specs wants to raise her hand." I was baffled. How on Earth could she possibly know that, we haven't said a word to each other before!

But, to be fair, during that time I still called her "fox woman" behind her back, a silly nickname my classmates gave her in middle school because of her dyed red hair and many fox accessories (and, to be fair, her sharp facial features), as I didn't have enough respect for her yet to drop it. That only came about a month later. But that's a story for another post.

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

#tc #tcc #teacher crush community #female tc #female teacher crush