#can confirm u will never get any heavy emotion from me ever again
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• N E J I x H I N A T A • R A T E D E • 1 0 K W •
S U M M A R Y:
'Talk to her!'
Lee's words still rang in his mind, and he wondered if he actually should.
Shame and guilt have the tendency to consume one's soul. How far can a gesture or a series of them compensate for the sins of the past? And will the sufferer be able to accept the atonement given or will they succumb to the guilt and heaviness of those emotions? Could Neji and Hinata relink a relationship that is plagued by the ghost of the past?
Prompt 1: Dry Humping
✦ A O 3 - F F . N E T ✦
Peculiar Considerations For Atonement
Part 1: Adagio
Late September.
Lee had always struggled with his alcohol intake and had decided to take his low resistance seriously.
He could be a liability in a mission if someone slipped something into his drink and, as a preventive measure, he had taken his drinking into his hands. Or more accurately, into his and Neji's hands. He had convinced Neji to train him, making him his drinking buddy. And, in one of those fortuitous drinking nights, his friend had mentioned liking someone. Neji had always been very private, he never talked about relationships, much less who he liked. Lee hadn't wanted to lose such an opportunity, he didn’t stop bugging Neji about who the girl was or whether he had talked to her ever since.
Nothing was going to stop Lee's youthful desire to discover his friend's secret love. Neji had been well aware of Lee's tactics, waiting for him to get drunk enough to slip up again.
"So? "
"So what Lee?" He asked, irritated.
"Tell me! "
"I don't have to tell you anything " He tried to sound more threatening than he knew he would.
"So you haven't?... But! What about..."
"If you continue talking. I swear I'll kill you!"
One drunken evening, that had been all Lee needed to make Neji talk.
"Ah man, so you are not telling me about her and worse than that, you are not telling her about your feelings, the flame of your youth is going to dim when she goes out with another guy" Lee said while sipping the sake.
"I told you I don't want to talk about it"
"But why not? Common man! We cannot talk about missions because they are confidential, we cannot talk about your clan because that's too convoluted" He complained. "I will tell you about my love if you tell me about yours" He said in a velvety manner, seeing how it had no effect on him when trying to persuade him "I don't want to get drunk just because! At least, let's make it worthwhile!"
"I can't!", said Neji angrily. "Plus, we all know that you love Sakura. But regardless of how much you fight, that's a long-lost battle. You are just fighting for nothing.
"Tou are wrong, my friend! That's the thing, don’t you see? I can still enjoy the beauty of these heartfelt and youthful emotions, even if they are not corresponded”
“You are not letting it die, aren't you?" Lee's sardonic smile confirmed his stubbornness, not letting him off the hook. Neji sighted, he was usually more strongly-willed than this, but he felt the tiredness sinking into him, he didn't know where to start or what to say without letting much information out.
"So?"
"Ok, ok... She - She's one of us"
"Uuuh , a fellow kunoichi from the Leave then. Do I know her?" Neji just stared blankly at him, but after so many years in each other's lives Lee had learned to read his facial expressions, and didn't feel any kind of intimidation anymore.
"I'll take that as a yes!" he said pointing a finger at him. "Next question! Have you given her anything?"
He sighted.
"Ye-es…"
‘I gave her a heart failure ’, he thought morbidly. He could feel his friend gaze scrutinizing him once again.
Despite what people thought, Lee was more perceptive than he let on, and people usually took him for granted. Neji knew him, and as naturally cautious as he was, he knew Lee would get the information out of him one way or another. It was only a matter of time.
"Wait, you said that you... can't ? You can't talk about your mysterious lady?" Neji saw the moment Lee had caught him, deduced him, read him. A mix of surprise, shock and confusion was coursing through his face, making him groan.
‘Goddammit. I really need to start drinking less! ’, he thought. They had finished one bottle and were only halfway through the second one, said barely 4 words about the matter and deadpanned the whole way through the conversation, in the hopes of not being discovered. But it hadn’t been enough, that was everything Lee had needed.
He saw his intentions, clear about saying something regarding the matter. But before he could say anything...
"Fuck you Lee!"
"Neejii!" he said giggling. The alcohol always made him laugh "My dearest and most esteemed friend and rival, you certainly are a complicated person. I'll give you that" Neji started rubbing his eyes half-heartedly with the heel of his free hand, wanting to let out some of his frustration "So , what was it that you gave he-… Oh, man! Common! Don’t be like this!”
"This is why I didn't want to talk about it! It's complicated, and dangerous, and... We both know I shouldn’t be thinking about her like this, not after everything between us. What I almost did, the whole intention of it. It's shameful. And, a disgrace. The only reason why I am alive, it's because of how it happened. Never before had three senseis and a referee interjected a duel"
Lee kept a poker face while listening to his friend, not wanting to make him feel judged, but deep down he knew he was right. If the fight had happened outside the chunin exams, he would have been sentenced to a painful death.
The rules of the clan were absolute, and he had had too much anger inside him. And although he had worked on his issues and his temper, and the relationship with the lady had improved. He had never had the watchful eyes of the clan taken off of him.
"Well, my friend, I shall drink this one for our ladies! May them rule our hearts in the most benevolent way!"
"Cheers" Neji toasted dejectedly, raising his cup of sake to Lee’s and drinking it.
He had to thank the fact that she was such a good person.
𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ
"Are you sure that you can go up the stairs?"
"Yeah, man! Worry not. I am now better at this! Thanks for sharing a cup with me."
"Yeah, well. I'm the only one who has been able to handle your drunken fist, so I guess it has to be me"
"Ha! You wish!” He said between hiccups. “Only once and by pure luck, three years ago. You're just pure tell but can't show up for shit! Same time next week?"
"Maybe, if neither of us is on a mission. I'll pay for the first bottle"
"You ?"
"Don't start or you'll pay for both!"
"Ok, ok. I'll shut up" Neji started walking away towards the district.
"HEY NEJI!" Lee screamed from where he was "TALK TO HER!" Neji scoffed, Lee had improved, but he still got really really drunk.
The moon was beautiful that night, it was full but blurred by a dense layer of thick clouds, dimming its light.
‘Talk to her’
Lee's words still rang in his mind, and he wondered if he actually could.
A part of him wished that they were closer.
Maybe he could...
‘NO!’
Definitely not. What was he thinking? He was being delusional. And at this point he didn't know if he needed a stronger drink before going to sleep, or simply sober up and never drink again.
𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ
He walked straight into the kitchen, still undecided between that last drink or some aspirin, but to his surprise it was not empty. Hinata was there, and apparently she had also thought about having a drink before going to sleep. ‘Correction. That is more than simply a drink ’ he thought after noticing the big bottle of sake resting in the middle of the table.
"Neji-onisama!" she said surprised, feeling like a little child who had been discovered in the middle of a naughty prank. The fact that she was drinking on her own, made her self-conscious. She felt as if she had been doing something illicit. Neji was petrified, Hinata was the last person that he wanted to see while being drunk.
"Hi... Hinata-Sama. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. I-I was coming for a glass of water" he improvised while willing his words out of his body. Still surprised by her presence. The alcohol had affected his most perceptive ninja skills "I will get a glass and be... be on my way"
"Wait! Can... can you sit and have a cup with me?" he could not refuse her. Especially when he could see the need for companionship in her eyes.
"I'd be honored" he formally replied while she served him some sake.
She sighted.
"Are you ok?" He tried to analyze her demeanor closely but failed, his mind too hazy and only a couple of brain cells were working at a time.
"I... um... yeah. I am just tired and needed something strong before going to sleep" her eyes were glued to the cup of sake in her hand. She was deep in thought, her eyelids almost closed. The bottle was not halfway through yet, but she had pulled out a big one. So, she must have drunk quite a bit before his arrival, and to her credit, she didn't look as if she was that deep into her cups.
He finished his drink while she was mechanically raising her hand, going for the bottle once again, getting ready to serve herself yet another shot. Slowly grazing his hand over hers, he subtly indicated to her to stop drinking for tonight, since he could see the tiredness reflected under her eyes.
"Please" he said trying to call her attention "let me escort you back to your room Hinata-sama". She squinted her eyes, not breaking eye contact, and for a moment he felt a rumble in his chest where everything mixed: his feelings, the sensation of his hand over hers, and the fire in her eyes. She stood up, leaving the bottle open in the middle of the table, determined to not look back at him once again.
Neji walked through the wooden corridors and everything was spinning around him, he followed the wobbly steps of Hinata, but if that was his perception or her actual footing, he couldn't say. He walked behind her until the door to her room was visible.
"You are relieved from your duties tonight" the sluggish iciness of her voice was something he had not expected from her. What just happened? He was confused. They hadn't talked that much, and in his mind they had shared what he could call a comfortable silence, hadn’t they? She had never dismissed him. Ever. Or anyone else, as far as he remembered. The distant and impersonal dismissal made him more uncertain. She had never talked to him in such a distant manner.
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
Next morning.
He was still feeling the effects of the drinks, with his head still spinning. The sun hadn't come out yet. He must have slept 4 hours tops. And although it was still early, he didn't feel like training at all. Lee would be out after all the shots he had drunk, that was for sure.
He tried remembering last night’s details. Trying to make sense about last night's Hinata, and the rarity of the circumstances. She had been so surprised when he got into the kitchen, she had reacted so skittish when he got there, and she had already gotten drunk, drinking half a bottle on her own... ‘ Why? ’. He couldn’t remember ever seeing her drinking, at least not like that. She had always gone for one or two shots, especially when she was invited to the Inuzuka parties. But last night… her demeanor, body language and posture had been narrating a different story. And the worst part was that she had been drinking alone. That made him feel uneasy. Was that something she did frequently, or had something happened?
‘God, I need a painkiller ’. He looked through his medicine cabinet and pulled out some tablets. Gulping down two at the same time.
𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ
By the time she entered the kitchen around 6 am, he had already prepared some steamed rice, sides, miso and was now frying some fish.
"Morning Neji-onisama,” she sounded a little sleepy, “that fish smells good. Do you need help?"
"Good Morning Hinata-sama, please sit. I'll be done in a minute"
"I would have thought you on the training grounds at this hour"
"I - I usually would be. You are right"
"But...?"
"But I have a terrible headache, it seems like I drank much more from what I can stand. How about you?"
"I'm - I'm a little... I don't know, not fully dizzy, but not fully ok"
"Here" he said, extending the capsule and a glass of water.
"Oh, thanks. This, this is very thoughtful of you"
"You can start drinking the water but, please, wait for the food before taking the pill. Otherwise, you might hurt your stomach"
"Thank you" she said with a shadow of a smile gracing her face.
Neji started serving the food while Hinata drank some of the water. The bubbly texture of the drink made her open her eyes surprised, lowering her glass and she stared into it trying to put two and two together despite the haziness of her mind.
"Did you put a seltzer in the water?"
"Um, well... I thought that - that you could wake up with a stomach ache" he could feel the blood running up his face. She smiled fully after his answer, and it was the most beautiful sight an early morning could bring him. She stood up from the table and went around it. And once she stood in front of him, she bowed.
"Thank you for being so thoughtful with me today. I'll set the table, so we can have breakfast" He eyes followed her moving around the kitchen, still in disbelief, paralyzed. Musing in the warmth he felt in the depth of his chest.
They ate in silence, but unlike last night, his head was now mostly clear and Hinata seemed to be enjoying what she was tasting.
"Can I ask something?" he dared himself, he felt that he had to know. They were not friends but maybe, maybe, he could show her that she could talk to him.
"Yes, of course", she answered expectantly.
"Did - did something happen last night?"
"Oh..." she felt her cheeks beating hard, remembering the events of the day before, "well..." looking for the appropriate words seemed like a struggle. "It's quite embarrassing, actually… I - I was back from a date"
‘A date ?’. He tried assimilating the idea, and he knew he shouldn't be surprised. After all it was Hinata, with everything that she represented and was, she was bound to have suitors pursuing her, it was inevitable. But the surprising part for him was that she had actually gone out with someone, since she was usually timid. And, she had been secluding herself for almost two years now.
"And… was it a good one?" He cringed internally at himself. What kind of question was that one?! He certainly didn’t know how to continue a conversation like that. From all the things that could be discussed, Hinata’s love life had never been one of those. He felt as if he was crossing a boundary, invading her privacy. It felt inappropriate and invasive, every fiber of his body was screaming at him, telling him that he was not the person she ought to have that conversation with. Deep down he could only hope to not make Hinata’s embarrassment any greater, especially not at the expense of his curiosity.
"I wish" she simply said, and he wondered if he should ask more about it? or- "I finally had a date with Naruto-kun” her low tone indicated more than the words itself. “It wasn't at all as I had imagined it would be. I mean, he was nice, but... I don't know… I had been so excited and had spent hours getting ready for it. But I don't think he would ever be able to understand what it feels like to be part of a family like ours. Can you imagine that he said he would come and tell us to change our traditions?" She looked genuinely sad, the pressure of being the heir and now head of a noble clan weighing her down. He wanted to say something, but he knew that anything he said could end up sounding patronizing. “I just couldn't help but feel that we would have such a perfect date after years of wanting one, and while I'm happy I took the courage to ask him out... I - I - feel like a silly little girl"
"You asked Naruto out?" To say he was astounded would be an understatement "I feel congratulations are in order, then".
"Please, don't make fun of me, Neji-onisama. I feel bad enough already" she looked like she was about to bolt, she had started collecting the dishes in an attempt to escape the kitchen. Ready to recoil.
"No, wait!" he grabbed her wrist from across the table "Please sit, I didn't want to make you feel on the spot. It's just that...” She audibly heard him exhale, trying to find the appropriate words, “You always wanted to go out with him, and you asked him out. I commend you for your bravery" she wasn't looking at him, embarrassment fogging the previous brightness of her eyes.
"Well...” she said defeatedly “at least the ramen was really tasty"
"Was your date at Ichiraku?" He asked incredulously.
She nodded, feeling more and more embarrassed by the second, covering her face. "Ino will kill me when I tell her. She thinks that Ichiraku isn't the place for a date".
He regarded her for a second and blurted a “Is there a place where you'd like to go?” before noticing. And he couldn’t lie to himself, the reality was that he was curious. He had never thought about the places she would like to visit. Nor dared to imagine the possibility of ever going out with her. He couldn't fool himself, there was a social gap dividing them. Letting his thoughts drift that way was dangerous. It would be considered an insolence, since she was a member of the main family.
"I guess, I would like to go to a place that wasn't one I have visited almost every day for more than 10 years, a place where I go all the time with my team. I want to do something different... Something special" He could see that. Her craving for something new and different to happen when you are constricted by the rules of a strict family like theirs, was more than understandable. They all did it, in one way or another they all looked for ways of escaping the harshness of their reality.
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
Mid-October
“Excuse me, Hinata-Sama. Something has been delivered for you” said Kaya.
A white envelope with no signature had been given to her, and inside, there was... a gift card?
She looked confused at the colorful card. It had the name of a place she vaguely seemed to remember.
She checked the paper again, as if checking it once again would make a name appear, the harder she started to do it. But despite her effort the paper remained as blank as it had been when she had received it.
She never received anything.
Who would have sent it?
𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ
"Hinata-chan! How's your day going?"
"Ino-chan! Sakura-chan! Thank you for coming!"
"So? What's today's plan?"
"Actually, I'm... not sure. I received a card for a place called... La... Lade-Ladu"
"LADURÉE???" Screamed Ino and Sakura excitedly at the same time. Hinata was a little stunned by how loud her friends had reacted.
"Ok, enough. Tell us! Who is it?"
"Who is who?"
"Oh common! Don’t play coy. Your boyfriend, of course!" asked Sakura "Who's your boyfriend?"
"I don't have one, you girls know that"
"Commooon, don't be shy! You can tell us" said Ino.
"No. I'm serious... I - I don't know who sent it" the last was said in a really quiet voiced “Kaya-san gave me the envelope a week ago, and I wasn't sure if it was really for me, I asked her more than once if it she was sure, and she was vehement about it, but I cannot imagine who or why I was sent something like this”
"Argh! Not you too then!” Ino groaned.
“Me too?” she didn’t understand.
"I don't want to sound as if I'm stealing your moment but... I've also been receiving random gifts from time to time. And I have never been able to figure out who is the one sending me things", said Sakura
Ino sighed "You girls are so lucky, I only get bad dates. I'm so tired of 'what's your rank?', 'Where did you go on your last mission?', 'Do you belong to a clan?' over and over and over again” Ino stopped ranting for a second “This place opened not long ago, so it must be someone who considers you special. I've been dying to come ever since they opened. But enough is enough, don't let me bring down the mood, let's get some macarons!"
"Macarons?" Hinata was puzzled by the whole thing.
𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ
"Thanks for walking me back, girls" Hinata bowed when she was at the gates of the Hyuga district. "It was a lovely afternoon".
"Thanks to your boyfriend! It was very delicious, can't wait to go again!" Said Ino.
"Have a nice night Hinata-chan" said Sakura, bidding goodbye to her friend.
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
Tea Nation
"Don't you think I sent it too soon?" For once, Neji was deeper into his cups, and Lee was actually surprised of seeing him so flustered "I mean, she looked so distraught and embarrassed after her date with Naruto, I just couldn't not do something "Lee saw his friend lamenting while drowning down the rest of his cup.
"Don't worry Neji! Did you send it the next day?"
"No, of course not. I thought about it some days before deciding to get the card."
"You see, don't stress out! It'll be alright" Lee served him a little bit more liquor, if anyone needed to have liquid courage at this moment, it was certainly his friend "So have you thought about giving her something else?"
"In fact, I have" He said while gracing the cup over his lips covering a shy smile.
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
Late October
"Hinata-sama" Kaya called her attention "There’s a new envelope for you".
Roughly two weeks had already passed since the first envelope arrived. And this one was a very similar one. It was blank, no label nor penmanship. She tried scrutinizing it even further. Who could it be? She mused.
“Byakugan” She activated her blood limit. She wanted to detect the faint traces of chakra left by the sender. Maybe she would be able to see something that gave her a clue about this person. But to no avail, nothing could be read out of the paper.
She pursed her lips, thinking.
𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ
"Kyaaa!!!! Hinata-chan!!! This is amazing, Just what I needed!"
"Ino is so right" said Sakura "I hadn't come to the hot springs in a hot second, this is so nice!!"
"I'm happy that you are enjoying this!"
"We really need to get Ino a secret admirer, that way we can go to more restaurants and cafés" continued Sakura jokingly.
"Do you really have no idea? Absolutely no idea who these men sending you gifts are?"
"I really don't" said Hinata thinking about those closer to her "I know Kiba-kun and Shino-kun are not the kind to be giving gifts"
"Yeah, I don't even want to talk about mine, they are a lost cause", said Sakura.
"Yeah, I bet mine are part of that group... Actually no, I could see Choji doing so, he doesn't deserve to be grouped with Shika’s lazy ass, I know he could never" Ino was taking the question very seriously "so no one in team 7, 8 or 10... and the cards, gifts and flowers you guys receive are usually nice, like really nice! So I'd say that they have to be top ninjas who get high ranking missions regularly"
"I mean, that doesn't really narrow down the list, there are still lots of Jounin or ANBU who could be in a position where they can give you nice presents" Sakura contemplated. The girls tried to think of other ways to continue narrowing down the list but the only thing they knew was that no one on their teams could be responsible.
Gasp
"What Hinata? What?" asked Sakura.
"What are the possibilities of both you and I, receiving gifts from admirers simultaneously?!" asked Hinata
"What if they are friends?!" Followed Ino.
Understanding flashing through their faces.
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
Early November
He could listen to the sounds coming from the kitchen. A bitter and warm smell flowing in the air, tea was being prepared. The closer he got to the kitchen, the more he could listen to the water boiling and the slightly warmer temperature.
"Tadaima Hinata-sama" he said once he saw the woman he had fallen in love with in front of the stove.
"Neji-onisama, okaerinasai! I am preparing tea, would you like some, or would you like water?"
"I'll wait for the tea, thanks. It smells really nice. How have you been?"
"I've been well. I even had the chance to go out with the girls while you were on mission"
"Yeah? Where to?"
"We went to a frent pâtisserie, a new place in the village. We ate macarons"
"Macarons?" He asked quizzically, feigning ignorance, curious about whether she had had a good time.
"Yes! They are these little cookies that..." for a moment, her words couldn't reach him. He was entranced by the glint in her eyes. It was a stark difference compared to the previous time he had seen her, almost a month ago.
"I'm glad to hear you had a good time"
"Yeah! It was really nice. We also went to an onsen. It was very relaxing, it had been a while since we had the opportunity to go together since we had been going and coming back from different missions and Sakura working at the hospital" she said while pouring the prepared tea in a cup "be careful, it's quite hot"
"Thank you very much, Hinata-sama"
"Please tell me about your mission, how was it?"
"It was good, I went to several villages in the south near the Wood Nation. Originally it was supposed to be a solo mission, but then Lee was sent to support me, so it was nice to have a familiar face with me. Even if it means enduring his endless energy"
"Did you see anything interesting?"
"Not much to be honest, but" he stopped for a second and turned around to his backpack and from it, he pulled out a small package "I thought... you might like this"
The fruity smell of the box reached her. The box read ‘Peach oolong Tea’ and he saw her take the tea pack with both hands, closing her eyes as her hands pulled the box closer to her nose, slowly breathing the sweet essence it emanated. He couldn't hear it, but he saw her chest rise up and down with a breath; inhaling, appreciating the subtle notes in the sweet smell.
"I hope you like it, Hinata-sama" he saw her face change instantly, her shoulders looked tense again "Are you ok?"
"Uh, am, yeah, sorry." she smiled, but now it looked force "I'll prepare some tomorrow and tell you how it tasted"
"Oh...ok” now Neji was feeling tense himself “I..." he wanted to save the conversation, but was unsure how to do so "I... I have heard that a festival is coming"
"Oh yes, Ino-chan asked me to help her, she's ordering flowers and when they get here I'll be helping her with the arrangements. It should be nice. I feel I haven't gone to one in ages! There will even be fireworks!" This made Neji feel a rumbling in his chest, a sort of agitation, remembering the time when she had been temporarily blind thanks to him.
That was another thing he had never apologized for. He could feel the blood surging to his face.
"Neji-onisama?" Now she looked worried "Are you alright?"
A sharp pain striking his heart.
"I am - nothing to worry about"
"Are you sure?" He saw her bend over the table and extend the back of her hand over his cheek, which made him blush even more furiously. "It doesn't seem like a fever... Try not to exert yourself too much. You should rest. It’s been a long journey.
"I'll... I'll try to get a full night of sleep tonight" he knew that he was still blushing. Especially under her unflinching eyes.
"Neji-onisama. Can I ask you something?"
"Ask away" She looked uneasy. She wasn't sure about how to ask what she wanted, ideas spinning inside her head, not knowing how to ask the questions plaguing her mind. She was still reclining over the table, and was that his imagination or was there a tint shade of pink on her face?
“What do you think about me?” The unexpected question left him speechless for a second.
“Hinata-sama” he saw her flinch, visibly flinch. “You have always been the respected heiress and now you are our honorable clan Head” She looked 10 times more uncomfortable.
Neji pursed his lips forming a fine line when she broke eye contact with him. And in a quieter voice she asked “Are- are we friends?” The pumping of his heart resounding so loud he couldn’t hear his own thoughts.
Well, that question was something he certainly didn't expect. He didn't know what to say.
They were... complicated.
That's what they were.
They had been childhood friends, and he thought of her a cute girl from the very first time. Then politics had gotten between them, he was branded and had proudly promised to be at the service of the main family, swearing loyalty. He had been a new member of the secondary branch, bound through duty and sacrifice to protect the main family. But then, he had seen his father being subjugated by such duty and one day he had lost him. The closest person in the family, and the one who had guided and loved him, had simply vanished. The tomb located in the cemetery was a shell, empty of any real remains. For many years he blamed her for his death and he tried to kill her. ‘An eye for an eye’ some said, and without remorse or hesitation he had gone for her heart, giving her a heart failure that still required medical control. And to put the cherry on the cake, he had unintentionally blinded her while training.
He couldn't allow her to call him a friend, she deserved more. Much more.
She continued to look at him, but his silence spoke more than enough. She picked up all the china from the tea set. Full of shame he walked towards her, cringing on the inside, leaving his empty cup of tea in the sink.
"Hinata-sama?" He lowered himself, trying to see her beautiful eyes once again. But her hair curtained forward, covering most of her face.
"I'm sorry Neji, I think I asked for more than I should have" her voice was trembling, but he could feel her effort, not trying to cry in front of him "Please go get some rest, you've just come back from a long journey, don't let me stall you any further"
"Hinata-sama, please look at me" he placed one of his hands on her shoulder. A part of him reminded himself that he was playing with fire, he wasn’t allowed to take such liberties.
She didn't respond, she continued looking down to the sink and her eyes stuck on the dirty china.
Neither said anything further.
Resigned, he just took a step back and bowed, exiting the kitchen.
𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ
"I feel like an idiot, Lee" His friend was judging him with open eyes, and he deserved it.
"You are an idiot"
He groaned.
"Life gives you the best opportunity to repair your relationship with her, and you simply said: No, thanks. I'm good " Lee sipped his sake
"I knoooooow" his palms covered his face "I'm seriously questioning why people call me a genius" if he could, he would pull out each hair from his head. Individually.
"Well, now that we agree on your idiocy. What are you going to do to not be an idiot anymore?"
"Face it, I guess" Neji was about to lift his cup, when Lee interjected him, stealing it.
"Good!" He drank Neji's sake on one go. "No more alcohol for you then. Not tonight"
𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ
The wind had started feeling colder and colder during the nights. And at this point, he could only hope for the best.
"Hinata-sama? Can I come in?" He could only hope for her to be in the mood to give him an audience, despite the hour. It had been some time since he had walked to this area of the house on his own. The only exceptions were when he escorted her back. "I can feel your chakra signature, please, I just - I just want to talk..." He could hear her quiet steps approaching before the door slowly slid open. Despite being in front of her she wouldn't look at him. "I brought something..." he raised his hand, a pastel green of the bag calling her attention "I - I thought you might like to have some''
"You brought Macarons?"
"I remember you mentioned liking them" she grabbed the bag shocked. Inside there was a collection of six cookies. She could feel something spreading within her, something reassuring.
"Can I come in?" She walked back a couple, giving him enough space to enter.
"Do you mind if we sit outside?" she asked quietly "It'll not be long before the winter comes with full force, and I’d like to enjoy the weather before it turns too harsh"
"Of course” they both were wearing the traditional black training clothes. The fitted shirt with short sleeves and black pants didn’t provide much warmth, but the nights hadn’t turned that cold yet. Hinata sat on the engawa with her feet dangling, while trying to appear calmer than she actually was, still affected by their last conversation. Neji could see the hurt and rejection still reflected in her body language.
He had told Lee that he was going to face the situation and that's what he ought to do.
"I'm sorry Hinata-sama"
"No, Neji-onisama. I'm sorry for putting you in a difficult position"
"No, please" he interrupted "don't apologize. Just, listen to me" He looked at her with determination and Hinata for a moment thought that she had seen something in his eyes, although she didn't know what.
Neji moved a little closer to her, he wanted her to see his sincerity.
"I didn't want to give you the impression that we can't be friends. And, while I feel honored that you would even consider me in such light. It's just that... I don't feel worthy"
"Neji. Please..."
"No, I beg you, let me continue" He interjected desperately "I tried to kill you when we were young, I have exhausted you to the point of temporary blindness and demeaned you in the process. These are actions that I can’t forgive myself about, even if you have been gracious enough with your generosity. You can’t possibly call me a friend under such circumstances. But I want you to know that I will always comply with my duty, and I will always follow you. There are many others who deserve to be your friends, but me" he sat down in seiza and bowed to the floor.
"Neji-onisama! Ple-please! Don't do that, please don't bow to me. I-I"
"I can only beg for your forgiveness" his forehead rested firmly against the wooden floor.
Hinata was getting more and more flustered about the whole situation. Her heart pounded loudly and the air escaped her lungs.
The most respected and acclaimed member of the Hyuuga family was bowing to her.
No
No
No
NO!
She was horrified.
She put her hands on his shoulders and pulled as hard as she could, and he resisted. Her fingers dug into his skin as hard as she could, trying to break his stance. Trying to force him to sit up once again. Her ragged breath tried to collect the oxygen she needed. Until she finally pulled hard enough to see his eyes.
"NEVER..." her voice was trembling and she gasped looking for the necessary air "Never! Never do that again! Ever!" He looked down, he hadn't intended for her to feel more distressed, but he had to say it. He had to make things right.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make the situation worse. I know - I don't deserve forgiveness"
"No! No Oni-sama, don't say that! Yes... We have been through a lot, and, and it hasn't been easy, but... it's... it's us" She tried to smile for him, but her trembling lips shaped an abstract expression "We have always had each other, we have always been there... Maybe not in the best ways, but... it's always us in the end - I already forgave you a long time ago" Neji could feel her fingers digging back again into his shoulders "Neji, we were friends once, I thought... that maybe" her voice wavered "maybe we could be once again"
"How can you just forgive me? I've done horrible things to you, you should despise me"
"You might think that, but the truth is that I have never despise you, and probably never will" A part of him knew he should feel happy, he should *be* happy listening to her answer. But he wasn't. Sometimes he wished he had her rage instead, at least that would be understandable. "So, do you think we could be like that? Is there a chance we could be friends? No hierarchies between us"
"But we're not. I'm branded. I am part of the secondary branch. We could never be equal. It would be frowned upon" comprehension shone through her eyes. He was afraid
"This - this is not about the clan Neji. This is not even about us" she couldn't contain the heartache anymore "This is just a very selfish wish. I just wish to feel that there's someone I can rely upon within these walls and I thought that you might feel the same.
After everything, everything that has happened… These last two years have been the most horrible ones of my life. And I feel empty and so alone. How can a house full of so many people feel so empty? I’m losing my mind and I can’t do this anymore, I can’t continue pushing on my own. That is why, I thought that you might feel the same… but you are in no obligation to do this. I can understand if you don't..."
"I am here for you, Hinata-sama. If you want me to be your friend- If you want me to share your pain, I’d happily be your friend, even if I think I don't deserve it" He saw the light start to shine in her eyes.
"Thank you, Neji" He raised his hands and caressed one of her forearms, which were still firmly attached to his shoulders.
'Neji '
His own name echoing in his ears.
He felt lost for a moment, looking deep into her eyes.
She started feeling warm again, and she was sure that the blood was going up her neck and cheeks.
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
Mid - November
"I mean, it's white!"
"Really, Ino? As if we hadn't seen it with our own eyes" Sometimes Ino could be so exasperating. Sakura rolled her eyes "All that grandiosity of great spies and intelligence that runs in your family must have skipped you"
"I don't see you contributing, Haruno. If you are so amazing, tell me what you see" Ino passed the envelope to Sakura, daring her to examine it.
"You already said it, there's nothing special about it. What do you think, Hinata-chan?"
"The paper looks very similar to the other two envelopes, I have been saving them in case I can detect a chakra pattern or something, but so far I haven't noticed anything"
"Hmm, I wish we could have a clue, that way we could uncover who your boyfriend is" Hinata found it humorous that Ino had already decided that this person was 'her boyfriend', she didn't know if it was in fact a man.
"You know Ino, it could very well be a woman, for all we know. None of us can have an exact idea of who it is" said Sakura
"Open it Hinata! We must see what's in it"
Hinata examined it once again before she started peeling the flap of the envelope and from it, she pulled out a sachet.
'Cosmos seed', it read. Hinata opened her eyes, surprised to see that she had been given flower seeds.
"Well it's definitely someone close to you", Said Sakura.
"Or a creep"
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
One week before the festival
Hinata sighed satisfied.
She needed a bath, that was for sure. Helping Ino in her spare time with the orders was taxing, but she loved it. The arrangements looked beautiful and everything was looking amazingly good. They would need to revitalize the flowers before the festival but with their jutsu skills they could make them look fresh during the festival. She was so excited, after the war and with the reconstruction efforts, everything had looked dreadful for a while but little by little Konoha was starting to feel like home again.
‘So many things to do… I have to check how many orders are left to be done. And I need to make sure my clothes are ready for that day. And Sakura-chan already confirmed she will go, I wonder if Tenten w- Neji-onisama! I had totally forgotten! ’
She hadn't talked to him yet, but thinking about him made her feel fuzzy on the inside. ‘ I still don’t know if he will be in the village that day’ Since he had been going on a lot of solo missions recently it was hard to know. Hinata turned on her heels walking now towards her cousin's room, she could take a bath after she had asked him.
"Neji-onisama?" No answer.
It wasn't that late, maybe he was still training or attending to business. Knowing he could be assigned a mission with short notice, it'd be better to leave a note. The room was neatly organized. Very Neji-like, the thought made her giggle. She would need parchment paper and ink. Hinata started opening the drawers of his desk.
"Here's the ink" she said to herself pulling out the small container "and here's the..."
Eyes wide open.
Was someone coming?
She didn't know if she could trust her senses or if it was her paranoia. Her instincts maxed to her surroundings. Her eyes rapidly went from left to right. She tried to feel if there were any chakra signatures around her. She could feel her heart beating three times faster. Her breathing went in and out, echoing loudly in the dead silence of the room.
Delicately she lifted the sharpened feather quill and underneath it laid a white enveloped. A pack of them actually.
‘I have to get out of here!’
No one could see her in Neji's room at that moment, especially him.
And as discreetly as she had entered, she went out.
Leaving no trace of ever being there.
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
At the Konoha market
"Have you decided which one you are buying?" asked Neji.
"Yes! And it's the most beautiful one in the store! It'll bring out her dynamic green eyes and highlight her beauty. I just hope to be around that day, unless Hogake-sama has different plans"
The busy streets of the market had been busier now that everybody was shopping for everything they needed to get ready for the festival. Especially clothing and accessories. Lee and Neji had been out and about since the early hours of the afternoon, they were getting some other presents for their ladies. and since the festival was going to be so special for everybody, they had teamed up. Hopefully this way, they could help each other to not screw up.
"Well then, let's go to the next store. I still haven't decided what I'm buying. And I need to buy it today"
"Let me pay really quickly and talk to them about the delivery", said Lee, disappearing within the maze of patrons that flocked to the store. Ten minutes later they were going to the next store, it was Neji's turn now "Have you thought about what she might like?"
"Not yet, but I think I'll know what to get her once I see it"
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
Six days before the festival
The skies had turned a dark shade of gray. She sighed. She knew that the seasons were changing and she should not be surprised, but since most of the week had been particularly nice, she was not expecting to see such dull skies, but she guessed that it suited the day in a way. In her arms rested a beautiful bouquet of the most beautiful white Chrysanthemums. She felt the cold of the wind in her neck, hands and toes making her tremble. The light cardigan she had chosen to wear did not provide the needed warmth for the incoming cold front. From what she saw, it was probably going to be incoming during the night. The landscape looked drab now that the sunflowers had been cleared. At least during the summer, the place looked livelier, specially for a vicinity this solemn.
The Hyuga cemetery was a secluded area, she tried visiting once a month, she had started coming more frequently when she was fifteen, she would come and clean her mother’s tombstone and place flowers and incense. But now, sadly, she now had more reasons to visit.
“Hello Hanabi-chan. How have you been?” She kneeled down sweeping the dried leaves that had fallen over the tomb “I brought some Mums for you. Ino gave me the freshest and biggest ones she had for you. They are kind of peppery and sweet. I think that they suit you” she was starting to feel the pain in the middle. “I have missed you so much, I have gotten better and have improved a little. Although I haven’t been going on many missions, you know, clan things happening and decisions to be made.”
“I just hoped I am doing what is correct and my decision will improve people’s life for our family” the wind was starting to pick up with more force “I… I have to confess something. I have been very confused lately. Neji-onisama and I have been talking more recently. Some days things feel easy, but sometimes, I don’t know what to think. He’s been so- so-” her cheeks felt warmer despite the cold air “He’s been through a lot, you know how our traditions and customs have affected the branch family, especially him. Our family has long been plagued by loss and despair and although we are resilient, we have grown indifferent and cold among each other. I was feeling desperate and lonely. So I did the most reckless thing I have ever done. You’ll not even imagine”
“Oh god, this is so embarrassing”, she laughed. Not feeling as embarrassed as months ago ”Can you imagine? I invited Naruto out!'' She was nervous, laughing, imagining and remembering the whole ordeal. “Do you remember that he said that he would change the Hyuga once he becomes Hokage during the chunin exams? Well, he told me the same thing during our date. As if things were this simple. But I do see change happening to us, but not on the promises of an outsider. We need to change ourselves for things to get better”
“I can feel myself changing and I think Neji’s changing too. You know how he was very reserved, well I don’t think you would recognize the amazing person he has turned to be. He’s grown fond of Lee’s antics, I know they are friends now, he is caring, and gregarious” her heart skipped a beat before she continued “He’s been putting a lot of effort into himself, well he always has. But I hope you understand what I mean. I wish you could see the sincerity that his eyes have. Sometimes I think they have gotten clearer that they really are”.
“Please, watch over us from where you are in this times on uncertainty”
･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚ ⋆･˳ . ⋆ .˳⁺⁎˚
Four days before the festival
"Girls! Come here, I just got this" Ino said animatedly.
"What is it?"
"I think it is from Tenten" Ino opened it and read out loud.
Hi!
I have missed hanging out with you girls, the weather here is drier than ever. I told T that if she didn't tell me about a spa I could go to in my free time, I would have to be deported for murder. My skin has been itchy but it looks like the treatments are having a good effect.
I heard that there will be a festival around the days I'm expecting to arrive.
I know you must be busy doing your things, but, could you get me something to wear in case I get there in time?
You know where to find the key for my apartment
Tn.
"Well, we have to get her something, she cannot not go to the festival with us, it's been ages since we've gone together to something like this" said Ino "We might need to get her a new Kimono and probably a headdress..."
"Oh wait! I almost forgot to show you!" Sakura called up to them "I received something yesterday"
"What is it, Sakura-san?"
"You have to see this" Sakura stood and walked towards her handbag and pulled out a sizable wooden box out of her bag. "It was delivered to the hospital reception, the girls were so excited, I am sure they were betting on whether I’d receive something" Sakura opened the box revealing a headpiece that had a big red peony, gold ribbons and hanging flowers, in a very traditional style "I think that they got it for me, to wear it this weekend" Sakura felt their surprise in their gasps.
"That's so beautiful Sakura-chan! It'll make your hair pop up, they'll combine very nicely with your clothes" said Hinata excitedly.
"You are a lucky one Haruno" She didn't want to sound bitter despite feeling a little jealous of her friends. *I don't have time for this, I have a business to run and clothing to get for Tenten!* She reprimanded herself "Have you received anything Hinata?"
"Not y-yet..."
"But?" They asked in unison
"I think I know" said Hinata to her friends, confusion and caution clear in her eyes "I know who's been sending me gifts" Sakura opened her eyes in surprise.
"Are you sure?"" she needed to know if Hinata was being dead serious.
"I am, and knowing that I'm correct, we might know who's been sending you things as well"
"Well? Who is it?" Ino was eager to know.
"It's-it's Neji" Both of her friends went instantly quiet.
"But... How?!" Confusion clear on Sakura's face.
"Well... I was on my way to ask him if he was going to be here for the festival, but he wasn't in his room, so I wanted to leave him a note since... Oh no!" She grunted "I never wrote the note!" she mentally chastised herself "Anyway, I started pulling out ink and quill from one of his desk drawers and I saw the envelopes! Same material, paper density, color, everything! To be honest, I am still trying to process the whole thing" Hinata was getting flustered and had started pacing around Ino's shop.
"Sakura! You know what that means, right?" Sakura had sunk into a chair putting two and two together.
"It's Lee then, it has to be him" concluded Ino "I mean" She said, racking her hands through her hair, seeming deep in thought.
"I don't know what's more surprising, the fact that you never suspected him or the fact that he has continued feeling this way after so many years!" Ino’s jealousy was long gone now. Hinata receiving gifts from Neji stood from a very dense history that she herself shared with absolutely no one, and was in no rush nor desire to experience anytime soon. And, Sakura and Lee... Well, it wasn't complicated, but Sakura had never been interested in reciprocating. Not an ideal situation either way “Well, since you both got into a conundrum, I guess we better order food or something”
𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ 𓄹 ⊹ ᳝ ࣪⠀. ִ ་ ּ
40 minutes later
"Sushi's here!" said Sakura, carrying the bags of food and presenting it to Hinata and Ino.
"I'll serve the drinks" Ino sighed "I really need a break from this arrangements"
"Thanks Sakura-chan, my hands are also starting to cramp here," said Hinata, shaking her hands vigorously.
"Everybody sit down", said Sakura, serving drinks for everybody.
"Is it spiked Haruno?"
"Knowing what we know, you shouldn't even be asking..."
"Would it be that bad?" Hinata asked her, picking up her "Lee-san is really sweet guy"
"It's not that," said Sakura, frustrated, sinking her head over her palms. "That's the problem. He really is a good guy" she somewhat frustrated.
"Sakura-chan" said Hinata in a more comprehensive tone, "it's been years. You do deserve to be happy. Your relationship with Sasuke-son was tumultuous, you were always close to a panic attack and it's ok to be wary, but Lee-san has always been caring"
"You are afraid", said Ino, baffled. "I never thought that you would be scared of something like this..."
"It wouldn't be fair with Lee-kun” Ino pursed her lips while listening to her friend "he deserves someone who isn't walking on eggshells all the time..." she didn't want to push her too much, she was clearly sensitive.
"And you Hinata? What do you think about this?" asked the blonde
"I'm not sure" she sighed "I feel this might be..."
"difficult?" offered Ino
"intricate?" countered Sakura
"confusing" she paused for a second "I think Neji is being consumed by guilt"
"He should be, tho" replied Ino "what he did was awful and he never addressed it"
Sakura furrowed her eyebrows "Has... something happened? Has he...?"
"Nonono, please don't judge Neji too harshly” she felt as if she was playing devil's advocate "He has been really cordial to me for years and lately he has been attentive with me but - but nothing special, we have just been talking more" she tried to focus "The manor is too big. These years haven't been easy on anyone... and I thought - I thought we were becoming closer again and it all devolved into a horrible afternoon" she needed a moment. "We kind of had a situation recently. I-" - she needed to take a deep breathe "I asked him if we were friends and he didn't say anything ! I thought I had overstepped some boundary or offended him in some way, and THEN that same evening I was in my room dreading how the only person who actively talks to me in my house was angry with me, knowing our relationship was going south again and that everything would be tense and awkward yet again"
Sakura and Ino were listening attentively to her friend. Not daring to interrupt her.
"That evening, I was in my bedroom and he came by. I didn't want to talk to him, I was so afraid of making things worse. He asked me if we could talk, I didn't know what to expect at this point, even though I was clearly intending to avoid him and he started to apologize and then he..." it hurt to even remember the whole ordeal. She lowered her voice. The taste of profanity stung her tongue "he... he bowed to me" everything came out of her in a spurt.
"Noooo..." Ino couldn't believe it, and Sakura covered her mouth with her hands. The sushi was long forgotten over the small table in the employee room of the flower shop.
"Our clan... our traditions and protocols, they consume you, and eat you alive from the inside. I am always surrounded by many people that treat me as their master, I... I would like a sense of normalcy, but trying to change our customs is difficult. I guess I have been feeling lonely in my own house" Hinata took a second to breathe "And... And I asked Neji, the only person who I knew who would understand me, if we were closer. But he didn't say anything, he simply stood there"
"He can be a jerk sometimes" said Sakura "I still remember when we were 12 and he needed to get a" she abruptly stopped herself, maybe mentioning that incident now was not the best idea “... anyway, Naruto and I crossed paths with Neji and he was really rude".
"Sakura, I know he was like that. I know. But that's the Neji from 10 years ago. That's not the current Neji, he is different. But he feels guilty"
"So..." Asked Ino "What happened afterwards?"
"He apologized. He sounded very sincere! He did a full bow, his forehead touched the floor and everything. It felt so wrong. He shouldn't have done that" She crossed her arms trying to hug herself, seeking solace of her own memories. The uncomfortableness of the ordeal clearly coursed through her body.
"Somehow I feel he owed you that, even if you felt uncomfortable. It's good to know he finally apologized, properly apologized" stated Sakura.
"It is Hinata, even if you didn't want it or expected it. It is good that he apologized. He wouldn't have been able to lift the blame any other way" - Hinata was conflicted, Neji had been wronged so many times by the Main House that... she felt that he shouldn't have apologized, at least not in such an extreme way.
"Will you tell him that you know?" questioned Sakura.
"I wouldn't know what to even say, or how to ask if it's him. I feel it might do more damage than good"
"And you? What are you going to do with Lee?"
"To be honest, I don't want to think about it right now"
The three friends decided to put the topic aside momentarily and eat their food, once their stomachs started protesting again. Ino felt tired and she was ready to call it a day. Her friends helped her to close the store.
"Thank you for your help Hinata, it's much appreciated" she said in a comically formal accent, making Hinata giggle.
"No problem at all, but I better get going. Sakura-chan, Ino-chan. I hope you have a good night" She bowed to them before leaving.
"Did you notice Sakura?" asked Ino, now that Hinata was gone
"Notice? What was I supposed to notice?"
"She didn't call him 'Neji-onisama'. Not even once"
"You're right!" Sakura was smiling, replaying the conversation in her mind. Which brought a similar realization to her mind "You know who else she has been skipping honorifics with?"
"Who?" Intrigue reflected on Ino's face.
"Us" a smile gracing both of them.
To be continued...
✦ N E X T ✦
✦ N E J I H I N A D I R E C T O R Y ✦ C O L L E C T I O N ✦
☆ P E R M I S S I O N S T A T E M E N T
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Ask permission for:
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No need to ask permission for:
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Other inspiration works
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Reposting my works to other sites and accounts under any circumstances, I manage my own works.
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#ShiningStarDan - Fanfics#nejihina fanfics#nejihina fanfic#nejihina#neji x hinata#Fanfic: Peculiar Considerations For Atonement#NejiHina Kinktober#ShiningStarDan - NejiHina Kinktober#ShiningStarDan - Fics in English
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Say My Name and I’ll Be There: 8.2; Lantern Rite Part 1
You never had the chance to push Childe for answers on his vague statement, even after the two of you arrived in Liyue on the afternoon of the Lantern Rite. It was as busy as you remembered, though it was nothing compared to how it would be once the sun set. You weren't new to the festival, as you had gone a few times with Granny when you were a child, but that was a long time ago. You were around twelve years old the last time you had joined the festival.
Being here again was like a breath of fresh air.
It was a shame that breath of fresh air turned stale when Childe continued to prod at you. "So, ojou-chan, what will you be doing after dark?" He had intentionally turned it into a suggestive question, his smug brow raising slightly even after you glared daggers at him.
"I'm going to walk around, of course," you replied without giving him an inch. "And I'm going to find Aether and Zhongli, too."
"Oh? Aren't you forgetting someone?"
"What I do in my free time is none of your business," your jaw tightened. "You, Tartaglia, are literally a child. Why don't you step aside and let your elders do what they want? I am older than you, you know."
"I see you've picked up Signora's attitude," he moped and finally dropped the subject.
Perhaps you had, even though you hated her with all your life force after the trick she pulled at Angel's Share. Even so, you couldn't help but bite the harbinger that fed you after he made strange offhanded comments about his own behavior, or his self-proclaimed 'apology' gift, or the way he held you the first time you felt Xiao's suffering. You still couldn't figure out what was going on with him, and quite frankly, you could care less. That's what you told yourself, anyway.
Was he an ally or an enemy?
"Earth to Mezzetin." He rudely poked at your forehead. "Is everything alright? You've been obnoxiously loud all day and now you're quiet."
"You do realize you're equally as obnoxious?" You met his eyes head-on after pulling away from your thoughts. "I'm hungry."
"Ah, thought so. Here," he handed you a heavy sack of mora without warning. "I'll be at Northland Bank if you need anything."
"Eh? That's it?" You watched him begin to walk off, expecting much more of a threat to your life if you so much as thought about running.
"You said it yourself ojou-chan, you're an adult," he called out over his shoulder. "I'd expect you to act like one in these circumstances."
"Wha--!" You scoffed at his shrinking figure as he climbed the stairs to the Snezhnayan bank. "Ugh, whatever." Your gaze fell to the mora pouch in your hands. Maybe I'll stop by the funeral parlor first and find Zhongli.
When you did, the archon paled at the sudden surprise appearance. "How did you find yourself in Liyue Harbor?" He scanned your body as if you were to be handled with care. "I was under the impression you would remain at Zapolyarny Palace until further notice. How did you happen to gain the Tsaritsa's trust so quickly?"
"Eh, you'll have to ask Childe that." You didn't notice Zhongli's eyes narrow with contempt. "He won't tell me why they decided to have me accompany him here," you answered without skipping a beat. Though the archon was certainly thrown off guard, the two of you appeared to start right where you had left off like none of the events in the past two months had ever occurred in the first place. It was refreshing to be with a friendly presence again, and you sighed in relief, hiding a wince from the sharp pain in your ribcage.
The movement didn't go unnoticed by Zhongli. "Ah, yes...Allow me to brew you some tea. The leaves I've gathered recently have exceptional pain-relieving qualities, though they don't compare to that of Xiao's medications--"
"How is he?" Your interruption stopped the man in his tracks. "Is he okay?" If Zhongli knew you were feeling Xiao's pain, that meant the yaksha had been in contact.
"He's as well as he can be, given the circumstances he's been burdened with. Do not worry yourself with him. Please, take a seat."
You watched Zhongli's graceful movements as he prepared a kettle and brought the water to a boil, dropping the leaves in when it was hot enough. You were oblivious to the thoughts that ran through his mind as he sent a wry smile your way.
That day, I made a grave miscalculation, Zhongli thought back to the group's encounter with Childe in Fontaine. A guilty sigh escaped his lips as he poured the tea into two ceramic teacups.
.....................
Deception. Maybe Zhongli was a little too good at playing the part of an innocent bystander, if he had succeeded in fooling Aether not once, but twice. But this route would be the only way to ensure yours and Xiao's sanity...The archon grit his teeth as he parried Childe's relentless blows in the pouring rain. The harbinger didn't hold back even though this was all for show.
How long did the fighting go on? Twenty minutes? Thirty? An hour? Childe gave the signal to Zhongli as he summoned his fifth and final narwhal using the rain that fell around them. Most of the group was worn out from constantly changing tactics as the harbinger switched between his vision and delusion. Childe was so much stronger than the first time he faced off with Aether...but so was Aether. Zhongli understood the only way to make this plan work would be to sacrifice his two closest allies in one way or another.
"Retreat!" Zhongli gave the order and an exhausted trio followed it without question. Well, except for Aether.
"We can't leave Xiao!"
.................
He had hoped he gave Xiao the push he needed to seal the bond, but it apparently was not enough..."Here is your tea," he placed the teacup in front of you before sitting at the opposite end of the table. "Tell me, have they remained true to their word and put an end to your experiments?"
You blew at your steaming cup before taking a small sip. "Yeah...They've already begun testing on Fatui agents, but every single one of them dies. It's funny, actually. Dottore still can't figure out the correct ratio for my blood. I've watched hundreds die."
"And how are you?"
That question was loaded, but you swallowed the nervous chuckle that had bubbled in your throat. "I'm just glad to be so close to home." To him, you meant, even if the two of you never actually met up during your stay here. Your eyes trailed to the window, and Zhongli noticed the sadness in the depths of your gaze as you watched people decorate the buildings with xiao lanterns.
"Xiao will be especially busy today, fighting off the demons that rise from the festivities," he answered your looming question. "But I am sure he would find the time to meet you if he knew you were here."
"You know, I hold most of his memories, but I can never seem to know what he's thinking." Your low voice captured the archon's attention again after a few silent minutes. You were saying it more to yourself than to spark a conversation, eyes still gazing out the window. "Maybe I am chasing after a fruitless dream."
"Your love for Xiao is strong."
"Eh?" Your head snapped back to the present moment. "H-how did you--did he--?"
Your flustered composure drew out a low chuckle from Zhongli, and he set his teacup aside. "I've lived for six thousand years; I know a thing or two about human concepts and emotions. The entire group has known for quite some time."
"I was that obvious?" An insane amount of heat rose to your cheeks and you buried your face in your hands. "So did he know before I...?"
"Xiao may be a few thousand years old, but he understands humans less than I do. I can confidently say you caught him off guard."
You peeked out from behind your fingers. "Hm?"
"It is not my place to say anything more on the matter," his lips tugged into a friendly grin as he brought the teacup to his lips once again. "But I would not call it a 'fruitless' dream."
.................
The lanterns that lit the streets of Liyue illuminated the bustling crowds of people that were focused on getting food, souvenirs, and lanterns that were to be released later that evening. You had parted ways with Zhongli in an effort to find Aether, with no luck in locating the boy even after nightfall. Despite this, you navigated the festival alone in hopes of running into him as you eyed the food stalls.
That is, until the voices grew louder. You swayed on your feet from the unexpected wave of nausea that overcame you, and grabbed onto one of the support beams next to the stairs. Xiao was fighting something again, wasn't he? You had felt the damned creep up on you as the day progressed, but nothing prepared you for the jarring pains that were too similar to the first time you had felt this side effect. You nearly puked from the overwhelming sensation, coughing into your hand only for it to be splattered with blood.
Not again, you stared in horror as you hastily blinked away the splotches in your vision. A quick glance around confirmed that there were children in the immediate vicinity, and you didn't want to scar them with the sight of you on what was supposed to be a happy night. Your eyes flit to the distant building that housed the Northland Bank, and you were determined to make it there even if it was a bit too far for you to walk at the moment.
You stumbled through the crowd on unsteady feet and shallow breath until you bumped shoulders with a boy and tripped. "Ngh!" The impact worsened your dilemma, and your eyes caught those of the person you ran into.
"Sorry! Wait, are you okay, ma'am?" The white-haired boy retracted his outstretched hand and instead knelt at your side to offer his shoulder. "You..." This energy....could it be that I can finally...?
"U-um, excuse me." You struggled to your feet and tried to make your way to the bank again. This time you were immediately halted by the boy.
"Ma'am, are you by any chance experiencing paranormal activity?" His hard gaze made you hold your breath without realizing. When he saw your eyes flash as if someone had held a lantern to your face, his grip on your shoulder loosened ever so slightly. "My name's Chongyun. I'm an exorcist. Do you mind if we speak in private?"
He brought you to the docs, which were a little less crowded than the main area of the harbor. Chongyun watched as you sat down and steadied your breathing while attempting to sneakily wipe away the blood that dripped from the corner of your mouth.
I finally haven't scared them off, the boy thought as he stared at you in wonder. Why now, though? "Ma'am, can you tell me what's going on?"
"I-I appreciate your concern," you ground your teeth together while another wave of pain consumed you, "but I d-don't need your help."
"When did you start feeling this way?" Chongyun sat with his legs crisscrossed in front of you, and summoned a deck of cards from his pocket. Anger boiled as you watched him shuffle them in his hands and set them in the space between you one at a time.
"I wouldn't do that," you growled while your thoughts grew hazy.
"Don't worry, this won't hurt you." He started mumbling some sort of incoherent verses before flipping one of the cards.
"I said DON'T!"
Chongyun caught your hand before it could swipe the cards away from the pier's surface, and he locked eyes with you. He took a deep breath before speaking as if you were the one agitating him. "Those are the evil spirits talking. I can tell you're not that far gone. Sit patiently, and I can help you."
You blinked for a moment and regained some control over yourself, relaxing your shoulders once he let go of your wrist. "What is it you're trying to do?"
"Purge evil; it's my job. We exorcists have protected Liyue for generations," he flipped another card over, noting your tension rising again before dying down. Whatever he was doing with those cards seemed to piss off the voices in your head.
"Like adepti?" You grimaced when he replaced one of the cards with another.
"Yes, much like the Guardian Yaksha of Liyue," he replied calmly while testing your reaction with another card. "I have much respect for him, but--"
"Xiao? Have you seen him?" Your hand burned when you grabbed his, but you ignored it once you caught his attention. "Have you seen him recently?"
"You know him by name?" Chongyun was as confused as you were. "That's odd, I thought we were the only ones who--"
"Hey!" A high-pitched voice interrupted the conversation, and the two of you turned your heads toward the sound. Paimon was flying towards you, Aether running right behind her. "What are you doing here?! Are you okay? Did you escape? Did you kick Childe's butt?"
"I--" Aether stopped himself from hugging you when he saw the dried blood on your hand, his relieved smile fading into a concerned frown as his feet came to a halt. "...Are you okay?"
"You know each other?" Chongyun looked between the trio and summoned a new set of cards. These ones held terrifying symbolism of demonic entities you didn't wish to know the name of, and he placed them over the other ones that sat on the ground.
"Ngh!" A hand covered your eye in an attempt to put pressure against a sharp pain. "You can't help me! Enough of this!"
"...W-what's wrong with her?" Paimon trembled slightly when she heard the uncharacteristic aggressiveness in your voice. "Is she...possessed?!"
"Not quite," Chongyun returned his eyes to you in deep thought. "I've never seen this before..."
"Wait, your positivity didn't scare them off?" Aether suddenly looked a lot more concerned, and he moved so that he sat beside you. Chongyun scared every spirit away...if that didn't happen this time, it must've been a bad sign. "What happened to you in Snezhnaya?" His voice was a mix of both guilt and anger.
"Zhongli didn't tell you?" It took all your strength not to attack the three of them as Chongyun put another card down.
"The group went their separate ways after you..." Aether shook his head and put a hand on your shoulder when he noticed the malice in your stare. "What did Childe do to you?"
"It's just another side effect," you growled and pushed his hand off. "I'm not possessed like this guy is saying."
"Is this true?" Paimon's skepticism antagonized you further, but you bit your tongue.
"We should take you to Zhongli," Aether pulled you to your feet without hearing your objections. If your words were accurate, then there was no way the exorcist could help. "Sorry, Chongyun! She'll be fine!"
"W-Wait! Ah-" Chongyun already lost them in the sea of people that were getting ready to release their lanterns. It was almost time to fill the sky with the light of human prayers and wishes to the adepti.
..............
Once out of Chongyun's vicinity, the voices dispersed as if nothing had happened. "What the hell--" Your confused grumblings caught the attention of Aether as he guided you through the crowd. "This is so stupid."
"So you're able to feel Xiao's mental distress?" He glanced back at you for a brief moment once he figured out what he had witnessed. "At least now, he has someone that can understand a little bit of what he's going through, right?"
"I don't know," interjected Paimon. "Didn't Zhongli say the yakshas fell one by one from karma? Wouldn't feeling Xiao's karma kill you?"
"Probably." Your uninterested answer brought both of them to look at you, only to find that your eyes were surveying the crowd with expectation--or was it hope? Your companions exchanged knowing, but glum glances.
"He won't be here."
Aether's words went through one ear and out the other. "Yes he will."
"Um...Paimon doesn't think so. Xiao doesn't like crowds, remember?" You were so different than a few months ago...Each sound seemed to startle you or make you wince, and you had a peculiar distant look in your eyes. Your friends were growing more and more concerned about you.
Xiao, I'm here, you called out in your heart, not fully aware of it.
..........................
Coming up: A long-awaited reunion. The fears of a yaksha. A display of trust.
#genshin impact#xiao genshin impact#genshin impact xiao#xiao x reader#genshin x reader#lantern rite#xiao lantern rite#genshin impact lantern rite
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Revelation; Part Two (NSFW)
All the warnings and details you'll need are in part one. Enjoy!
As soon as they return to the mansion, Yukio and Ellie immediately go to their room. Wade gets up from where he was sitting on the floor, slowly stepping aside. The girls rush in to comfort you but a wall of scent leaves them dizzy with pheromones.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so glad you’re here,” you weep. The scent of your slick seems more intense, but maybe you’re just more aware of how turned on you are. The girls strip off their super-suits, joining you on the bed.
You practically tackle Ellie, burying your face in her neck.
“Mm, even better than I imagined…” you moan, starting to roll your hips so your soaking cunt can get the friction it needs on her thigh. Ellie carefully pushes you off of her, and you recline in the position you were before.
“Easy, sharpshooter. What the fuck happened? How are you in heat?”
“S-suppressants, not antidepressants, fake father, Wade,” you slur, explaining as best as you can.
“Wade,” Ellie and Yukio realize in unison.
“So, right now, you’re having not only your first heat, but a heat after years of taking suppressants,” Ellie fills in the blanks, and both she and Yukio look horrified.
“Mhm,” you confirm, “Need you. Both of you.”
“Of course, baby,” Yukio accepts, looking over you. Neither of them have seen you this stripped down before.
“Wait,” Ellie stops her, and you. “How do we know you actually want this? You’ve been really uncomfortable with the idea of sex until now, what if it’s just the heat? You literally said you don’t want to have sex today, like, two hours ago.”
“You don’t trust me?” You question, looking absolutely devastated.
“Y/N,” Ellie groans. “Of course I trust you, I just don’t want to hurt you. I love you. We love you.”
“It hurts. Please love me, Alpha,” you beg.
“Look at her, Ellie. She needs us,” Yukio adds.
“Fine. But we start out slow. Very slow. And if I get even a whiff of doubt or discomfort, we stop. Understand?”
“I need…” you whimper, clutching at your stomach as it continues to twist in pain.
“What is it, baby?” Yukio asks.
“I don’t know,” you sob, burying your face in your hands and squeezing your thighs together. “Just need it so bad, please.”
Both girls quickly shed their underwear, like the urgency of the situation is finally hitting them.
“So, the roses I smelled earlier…” Ellie trails off, feeling even worse. Not only is it not some other omega, it’s your heightened state of emotion, a sign of how much you want her and Yukio both.
Yukio gasps.
“Oh, Ellie, we can finally…” Yukio trails off.
“You’re gonna have to give a little more detail than that, Yukes. We’ve been looking forward to a lot of different things.”
Yukio whispers in Ellie’s ear, and the girl turns red before nodding.
“What are you gonna do to me?” you wonder.
“Well, if you want, we could both use our mouths on you at the same time,” Ellie reveals.
“Please,” you try to convince them to give you what you need. “Please.”
“Since you asked so nicely…” Yukio teases, like it’s not taking all her strength not to knot you right where you lay, propped wide open for the taking. It’d be so easy, and she could even try to have you to herself all week, and even though it’s probably impossible, you might have a baby. Oh, they’d be just the cutest, the perfect combination of her and you. What if you had twins? Or triplets? She’d never be able to tell them no once they flashed her your signature puppy eyes.
“Yukio,” Ellie snarls. “You’re panting. And drooling. She’s mine, too, remember?”
“Trust me, I remember,” Yukio snaps back.
“Alphas,” you whimper, and it’s like a switch flips. Their tongues battle for dominion over your most sensitive place, and your hips roll forward, desperate for more.
Ellie eventually concedes, giving your inner thigh some special attention that makes you squirm while Yukio devours you. The completely new sensations cause a tension to build in your stomach that you’ve only heard of.
“Oh my gosh, Ellie, Yuki- Ah! Ellie, Yuki- Ah! Ellie, Yuki- Oh, oh, oh!” you moan, embarrassed at how quickly you come undone.
“Oh, wow,” Ellie says. Yukio continues to lick up, well, everything, making the aftershock even more intense. “I- I didn’t realize you’d be that sensitive.”
“Never, ever, um, even by myself, ‘cause I never had any interest, because suppressants, so…”
“So, Yukio got to give you your first… Ever,” Ellie clarifies.
“U- Um,” you stutter, feeling a bit guilty for not making that clearer.
“You’re so adorable...” Yukio sounds almost reverent, and you taste yourself on her lips when they meet yours. You moan into the kiss, face burning under Ellie’s gaze and Yukio’s touch.
Ellie’s gaze turns into a glare as the kiss draws on, and soon that glare is joined by a growl that makes you gush. You pull back from the kiss, panting.
Yukio growls back, and your arousal intensifies even further, distracting the girls from their beginning turf war. You can’t help but wonder how many hickies you’re going to get in the next week.
“You really are an omega,” Ellie taunts.
“You like it when we growl?” Yukio adds.
They look like they’re ready to tear you to shreds in the best way.
“I guess it’s your turn,” Yukio remarks, sitting down next to you. “It’s still her first time, even if it won’t be the first time she-“
“Shut up,” Ellie snarls before going in for the kill, using her tongue to make you squirm and moan. She holds your hips down and your legs thrash around her, making you look the part of prey even more.
“Calm down,” Yukio suggests to you, stroking your hair. “It’s not like it’s ever gonna stop.”
“Oh fuck,” you whine, bucking your hips despite Ellie’s grip on them.
“That’s a good girl, fuck her face,” Yukio praises, taking one of your hands and putting it on Ellie’s head, holding the other. “She really likes having her hair pulled,” Yukio whispers in your ear. You get chills, but you do as she says.
Ellie groans into you, and at this point you really are fucking her face, your other hand having found its way into her hair.
“Oh my gosh, fuck, Daddy, I’m gonna cum,” you whine before unraveling again, hips still rolling like your life depends on it.
“Fucking called it.” Ellie grins proudly. “And she called me it. I think I win.”
“Oh, whichever way you slice it, I’m the one that ate our brave little be- omega first and made her fucking weep slick, so… Whatever small victories you can find, I suppose,” Yukio giggles.
“Yeah, but I’ll be the one to fuck her first,” Ellie counters.
“You really think so? I think it depends on who can get a condom on faster,” Yukio retorts.
“You trust me to pull out, don’t you, omega?” Ellie wonders, winking at Yukio.
“O-Of course. I mean, with the suppressants, even if you didn’t, it’s a one in a billion chance,” you remind her.
“Can I use my fingers to help you get ready?” Ellie asks.
“Uh-huh,” you agree, nodding as she slides one in, pumping, followed by another. Your breathing gets heavy again as she hits that divine spot over and over.
“Imagine my fucking cock hitting right there,” she breathes to you.
“Don’t wanna imagine, wanna feel it,” you plead. She adds a third finger. “S-so full, alpha…”
Yukio hands trail along your body carefully, as if you’re a priceless artifact she’s trying to appraise. She seems okay with letting Ellie have this, despite the fight she put up before. It’s probably the best compromise, you all know, because your first orgasm is something Yukio has that Ellie can never, now.
“Is this still okay?” Ellie wonders as she slips her fingers out of you, sliding them into Yukio’s mouth. The girl moans, cleaning them off eagerly.
“Yes, I promise,” you agree, and Ellie positions herself, unintentionally teasing your entrance. “Ellie, please.”
Her hips snap forward, but she’s careful not to push her rather swollen knot in. It throbs every time it presses against your entrance, where every nerve in her body is begging her to shove it in.
The two of you sync up so quickly it’s almost romantic, you meet her thrusts perfectly and her cock does feel amazing when it pushes up against that spot deep inside. She’s practically got you folded in half as you whine and whimper and moan.
You instinctively start to rub your clit, but Yukio pulls your hands up and away.
“You’ve had your turn, let us have ours,” she tells you rather calmly.
“B-but it’s too good, I need…” you weep.
“Oh- Oh f-“ A strangled noise catches in Ellie’s throat and you feel her cum spurt into you as she hastily pulls out. “Uh- Oh. Oh, wow.”
Yukio moves around you to get a look at whatever Ellie’s blushing over.
“You should be ashamed,” Yukio teases, playfully popping Ellie’s shoulder. “Giving our innocent little omega a creampie her first time. She looks really cute with you dripping out of her, though. Almost good enough to eat. Almost.”
Yukio pulls out her own member, and you watch her stroke herself, Ellie mouthing at her neck between their passionate kisses. Her strokes speed up gradually until ribbons of her orgasm splatter right onto where you’re starting to feel neglected, with a soft little moan from her that makes you throb even more.
“Fuck, it’s so pretty. Sit up, Y/N, look,” Ellie encourages. Her cum has mostly flowed out of you and onto the sheets, while Yukio’s paints you. Speaking of Yukio, she trails a finger up your tarnished slit, sliding it into your mouth. You taste the salty sweetness of all your juices combined and give a pleased hum, almost not wanting to let her finger go.
“Hmm… Now it looks good enough to eat,” Yukio confirms. “Wanna try to share again?”
“Absolutely,” Ellie agrees. The two girls lick up the mixture of their cum and your arousal as you tremble, squeaking and whining more than you actually moan, too sensitive to do much of anything other than lie there and take whatever they want to give.
Your teeth sink into your bottom lip and your toes curl as you’re finally allowed release once more, but they don’t stop, despite your shaking.
“A-Alphas, what are you… What… I… Oh, oh, please,” you weakly implore them, so far gone that you’re not even sure if you’re asking them to stop or keep going.
After another orgasm, they come back up to check on you.
“So- So much,” you say, in response to “Are you okay?”
“So, I’m gonna go with water break time,” Ellie chuckles, opening up a bottle before opening your mouth with her hand. You let her help you drink.
“Good girl,” she praises, and you blush as Yukio stares you down.
“You should have a bath, too,” she suggests. “We can all take it together.” The jacuzzi sounds great for your aching muscles.
“Can you walk?” Ellie asks. She wasn’t particularly rough with you, but considering nothing that big’s ever been up there before…
You nod, already starting to feel normal, or, well, at least at what’s probably the baseline of this whole heat thing. You get up from the bed and immediately collapse into a heap on the ground, knees having turned to actual jelly at some point over the past hour.
The girls can’t help but snicker before helping you back into bed.
“I’ll go draw the bath. Your cuddle time got cut off earlier,” Yukio remembers.
“You’re doing amazing,” Ellie praises you once more, fingers running through your hair and stroking your face. “Such a good girl. Such a good omega. My omega.”
“My alpha,” you whisper back, before burying your nose in her neck. Ellie tightens her embrace.
“Thank you for letting us take care of you like this. You’re being so brave, sharpshooter, I- I know you were really nervous. I want you to know, y’know, as happy as I am you’re an omega— And that’s really, really happy, by the way. —I’d be just as happy right now if you were a beta. I love you. We love you, and we’re so grateful you trusted us with this.”
“Thank you. You smell good and I love you,” you tell her, not able to articulate much beyond that.
“You too,” she chuckles.
Yukio emerges from the bathroom, and Ellie helps you hobble over, both girls giggling and giddy at your stumbling.
“So, we’re probably gonna have to take another week off, huh?” Yukio notes, trying to sound sympathetic, but both girls can’t help their proud grins at how they’ve already fucked you to pieces and they’ve barely even started. This week is gonna be great, and so will the next, blissful and full of aftercare.
“Mhm,” you whimper. The girls help you into the bath, stripping off their remaining undergarments before joining you.
The warm water is such a comfort that your eyes involuntarily slip shut. Its embrace soothes your sore muscles, and your breathing slows. Yukio starts carefully scrubbing your arm with a lathered up loofah, holding your wrist like it’s the most fragile, priceless thing in the world.
“Hm?” You open your eyes, but Ellie slides your eyelids down with two fingers, stroking your cheek after.
“Shh… Just let us take care of you, okay? You’re always protecting us, keeping the den tidy, and you took us so well… Just relax, now.”
You do as you’re told and relax.
Ellie joins in washing you while Yukio hums softly.
“You’re so fucking pretty…” Ellie murmurs, the soft washcloth she’s using drifting down from your sensitive neck to your far more sensitive chest. You give a shallow, shaky sigh as each girl cleanses a breast, chills spreading throughout your body. Your heart flutters when Ellie’s washcloth meets your inner thigh under the water.
Yukio’s hand rests against your stomach, more specifically, your uterus.
“Yukes…” you sigh.
“I know,” she says quietly. “I was just thinking.”
It’s a bittersweet moment, but Yukio ends it before the bitter overcomes the sweet by gently washing your stomach with the loofah she was holding before. The girls switch positions and you whine needily. Your infertility can be discussed later, when tensions aren’t quite so high.
“Oh, sweetpea, are we doing something wrong?” Yukio questions teasingly.
“N- No,” you admit, brows furrowing. “I just- I-“
You’re already too blissed out to string together a coherent sentence, but you need more.
“Yeah, we can do that,” Ellie understands. You keep your eyes closed as fingers slip up and down your slit, leaning into the touch. The steam of the bath blends yours and your alphas’ scents, clouding your perception of where each girl is. You try to get a peek, but Ellie quickly, gently reminds you: “Eyes closed.”
Your chest is slowly, sensually massaged, the palms of whichever girl is doing so rubbing up against your nipples perfectly.
The alpha who was teasing you below the water before now slides her fingers inside you, making you gasp softly.
“Hmm… Good omega,” Yukio murmurs, closer to your ear than you thought she was, before nipping at it. You yelp in surprise, but the sensation has you feeling even tinglier. You lean towards Yukio, wanting to obey their limitation of your sight, but needing the comfort of knowing where each of them is. You cling to her arm, she’s now only massaging one breast and using the other hand to stroke your face.
The fingers inside you, which you’ve determined by process of elimination are Ellie’s, curl into that spot, hard, and you moan before you can quiet yourself.
“I think someone’s starting to feel ignored…” Yukio jeers, and you hear an indignant “Hmph!” from Ellie. “How about this?”
Yukio pries you off of her, and you hear movement in the water. Soon after, she pulls your back to her chest, allowing you to recline. The feeling of the alpha’s skin against yours is heavenly. She starts to massage your chest again, and Ellie resumes her activities as well, now from in between your legs.
“This is perfect,” Ellie agrees. “You are. Both of you.”
“Thank you,” you and Yukio both sigh.
You start to get restless as the girls continue to stimulate you, letting out little whimpers that sound more like impatience than pleasure.
“What is it, love?” Yukio wonders, so close to your ear again. You shudder before answering.
“Want, um… Um… Y-you… You know.”
“To cum?” Ellie asks.
“Y-yeah, but…” You rock against Yukio’s hardness, which is pressed against your back.
“Ngh, oh, okay, yeah,” Yukio agrees. “Lean back.”
You lean back, moving up and bracing yourself against the rim of the jacuzzi before sliding down onto Yukio’s dick, eyes rolling back as you’re filled by an alpha once more.
“W-wait, with this position, we could…” Ellie trails off, and you can sense Yukio’s smirk.
“I know.”
“W- What is it?”
“Well, uh, if you’re okay with it, Yukio and I could try to fit inside you at the same time,” Ellie suggests.
“That sounds nice, but…”
“But?”
“First time having Yukio,” you quietly say.
“Oh… Okay, babe, that makes sense. Maybe later?”
You nod eagerly, and Yukio starts to move a little, hooking her hands under your knees to maintain more control over you.
“E- Ellie.”
Yukio growls.
“N- No, I just… Ellie, could you rub my-“ You’re cut off by a moan that’s a mix of pleasure and pain as Yukio thrusts harder, resenting the lack of attention. “A- Alpha, I’m yours. I’m yours.”
“I- I know, sorry. Such a good omega,” Yukio quickly apologizes, sprinkling kisses all over your neck and shoulders as she takes it down a notch. Ellie summons the courage to touch you despite Yukio’s possessive burst, and you’re on cloud nine once again. “You feel so good.”
Eyes still closed, you’re caught off guard when Ellie kisses you, but you respond quickly, tangling your fingers in her hair and moaning into her mouth.
“Love you,” Ellie whispers against your lips before kissing you some more.
“El, go faster, I think she’s close,” Yukio tells your shared lover, and she obeys. Your moans rise in pitch and volume but due to your position there’s not much you can do other than take what you’re given.
“Yukio, Yukio, Yukio,” you whine in sync with her thrusts, squirming in an attempt to meet both Yukio’s motions and Ellie’s hand.
You don’t last much longer, and the way you tighten around Yukio causes her to finish as well, burying her face in your neck and groaning; likely resenting the fact that she can’t bury her teeth there, not yet.
“Well, so much for gentle aftercare,” Ellie chuckles, stroking your cheek, which honestly feels as sensitive as the rest of you.
“S-sorry, couldn’t help myself.”
Ellie helps you off of Yukio, and you nuzzle into her, embracing her.
“You two are the best alphas ever,” you mumble, eyes growing heavy again.
“We’re the only alphas you’ve had,” Ellie skeptically responds. You whimper at the perceived rejection. “Oh, but thank you. You’re sweet.”
“More than just sweet,” Yukio argues, pulling the plug on the jacuzzi. Ellie holds you as the tub drains, so you don’t get too cold, while Yukio hunts down some towels and your robes. Pink satin for her, black flannel for Ellie, and a plush F/C one is yours.
The girls assist you as you get out of the tub, wrapping you in your robe and helping you to bed before equipping theirs.
Being bundled between them is enough to keep the worst of your heat pains at bay.
“Can I open my eyes now?” You wonder, and the girls chuckle endearingly.
“Yes, Y/N,” Ellie permits, but it seems as though you could’ve done so or at least asked much sooner, based on her tone. “I said yes.”
Your eyes stay closed, so heavy that you don’t even wanna bother yet.
“Babe, stay awake. We need to talk,” Ellie insists.
“About what?” Yukio asks curiously.
“The, uh.. The thing Wade stopped her from doing.”
“Jus’ thinking about it,” you correct.
“And the Supreme Court is ‘just thinking’ about overturning Roe v. Wade. It’s still a fucking problem,” Ellie argues.
You shake your head.
“I have real medicine now, I’ll be fine.”
“You still hid it from us,” Yukio says softly, tearfully. “We- We failed you. You didn’t feel like you could tell us, your alphas.”
“Being my alphas is what made me not want to tell you. Because you can’t- Because- Because I knew it would be torture for you both if I had a problem you couldn’t fix; a need you couldn’t provide. I just wanted to protect you.”
“Sharpshooter…” Ellie looks heartbroken, and the devastation that both girls reek of makes you want to lock yourself away (or worse) so that you’ll never hurt them again.
“I’m- I’m sorry. I never meant for you to find out.”
“That’s not the problem here,” Ellie disagrees.
“Isn’t it? If you two never found out, you wouldn’t be unhappy about anything right now. I ruined this.”
“No,” Yukio snarls, wrapping her arms tighter around you, as if they can protect you from yourself. “You’re good. We… I told you, we were the ones who made you feel like it wasn’t safe to be honest with us. We’re proving you right the longer we talk about this before you’re ready to. Don’t you agree, Ellie?”
Ellie nods, seeming to finally understand.
“Can you at least promise that if there’s any other time you feel like you did then, you’ll talk to someone you trust, even if it’s not us?” Ellie requests.
“I can do that,” you concede.
“Thank you,” both girls reply, and Ellie moves a little closer, maneuvering her arms so that she’s embracing both you and Yukio, who’s spooning you.
Between the drowsy scent of petrichor, the nostalgic scent of a campfire, and your own relaxing lavender aroma, the three of you are finally soothed, and able to rest before continuing to contend with your first heat.
The next week is nothing short of an absolute fuckfest. Sure, you all take breaks for food, water, showers, et cetera. But, on what should be the final night of your heat, something causes you to stir.
The absolute need that came with your heat had waned over the week, but now it seems to be back with full force. You squirm in your half-sleep, trying to ignore it, but sense that your girls are already awake.
“Baby,” one of your alphas whispers. You’re draped across them both, all of you naked and entangled. You’re not even sure where you end and they begin right now, let alone which is which.
“Can we touch you?”
“Mhm,” you agree sleepily.
Their hands wander comfortingly, making it easier for the sandman to lure you back into his arms, but one of the alphas is bold enough to slip her fingers inside of you, sliding them right back out for some reason.
“Wow…”
“That is… A lot of slick.”
Oh.
You whine, spreading your legs for whichever one of them will touch you, it really doesn’t matter. You’re guided into one of their laps, whoever it is feels huge with no prep.
“Please just knot me so we can sleep, s’not like I can get pregnant anyways,” you request.
“Mmkay, sharpshooter, if that’s what you want.” So, it’s Ellie fucking you. That’s nice. Hers is a little shorter than Yukio’s, but she’s thicker. You fidget around, adjusting to her girth before finding that perfect angle and just bouncing.
“You look so pretty riding our alpha like that,” Yukio quietly praises, making you shiver. She plays with your nipples, hardened in the cool night air, while she touches herself. You resent your current position for limiting your sight of the other alpha, but you wouldn’t trade Ellie’s embrace for anything. “Touch that clit for us, won’t you? Cum all over her cock. Maybe you’ll even squirt again. That angle is normally what does it for you, isn’t it?”
“Oh, Daddy,” you sigh, obeying.
“No, baby, Ellie’s your daddy. I’m your mommy.”
“M-Mommy,” you whimper, continuing to squeak and moan for your two lovers as you clench harder and harder around Ellie, sinking your teeth into her scent gland as you three finish, nails digging into her already scratched-up back. When you relax, Ellie pushes her knot in. “S-Sorry, I didn’t mean to without asking,” you apologize, pulling away with a mouth full of blood that both girls are just dying to taste.
“No, babe, you know I wanted you to do that.” Ellie kisses your lips, cleaning them. “Don’t worry. Can you bite Yukio, too?”
“Of course! But, um, how am I gonna get to her?”
“Don’t worry, I can wait,” Yukio reassures you both.
“But- But you’re mine, too,” you insist. “I’m yours, remember?”
“Baby, of course I remember. Maybe- Maybe I could just bite you for now, and then you can bite me and Ellie can bite you in the morning? That way everyone has a turn.”
“When are you two gonna bite each other?”
“We can do that in the morning, too,” Yukio explains. In her drowsiness, she’d forgotten that part. “Are you ready?”
“Y-Yes, Alpha,” you stutter, because while you’re ready, you’re still nervous. Yukio picks a spot with her teeth, gently pressing, as if to ask you and Ellie, ‘Right here?’
You nod.
“That’s good, Yukes,” Ellie agrees, and the other girl sinks her teeth in deep.
You moan in pleasurable pain, and Ellie’s hands grab at your hips, feeling you flutter around her.
“Fuck,” she snarls, tensing up with you until Yukio’s no longer clamped down on your neck. The pink-haired girl licks up the blood, and you start to writhe, turned on all over again.
“One more time?” you request meekly, like Ellie’s dick isn’t literally locked inside of you.
“Of course,” Ellie consents, needing it just as much as you do.
Despite your now-limited range of motion, you carefully gyrate your hips. Yukio presses against you from behind, embracing you but also letting a hand slip down, fingers rubbing circles on your clit.
“That’s it, ride that knot like a good little omega,” Yukio taunts you, and you can feel her touching herself again.
“Your good little omega,” you moan.
“Ours indeed,” Ellie reminds you both, fucking up into you as you continue. Your breathing deepens and you clutch Ellie’s shoulders tighter, burying your face in the crook of her neck once more. “Close, sharpshooter?”
“Mhm,” you whimper, the three of you entangled once again as Yukio strokes her cock and your clit, the heat radiating off of all of you intensifying your scents. “So close, wanna cum so bad,” you beg.
“Come on, baby, you can do it,” Yukio encourages. “Cum all over her.”
You whine as Yukio’s strokes become quicker for the both of you. Feeling the hand she’s using to get herself off brush against you turns you on even more, just knowing she’s getting off on this makes it even better. You can feel Ellie pulse inside you as her breathing also becomes labored.
“Cum with me, omega, please,” Yukio murmurs against the back of your neck, and you shudder, finally finishing. “Good girl… Good omega… Good girl…” Yukio sighs praise as she comes undone as well, Ellie’s orgasm falling somewhere in between yours and Yukio’s.
Ellie reclines with you on top of her, with Yukio nestled between her arm and her body. Both alphas embrace you, and the three of you finally fall back asleep.
#a/b/o#yukisonic#yukisonic x reader#yukio x reader#ellie phimister x reader#negasonic teenage lesbian#negasonic teenage warhead x reader#yukio imagine#yukisonic imagine#negasonic teenage warhead imagine#ellie phimister imagine#poly x reader#poly imagine#wlw x reader#wlw imagine#omega!reader
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jack pot ; part 1 - hwang hyunjin
⇢ prompt You know it’s bad when you’re high as a kite and he’s still on your mind.
⇢ pairing hwang hyunjin x female reader, seo changbin x female reader for like 2 minutes
⇢ word count 7.5k
⇢ genre fluff, angst (not heavy, just in a slow burn kind of way), slight smut
⇢ warnings drug use!!! & lots of it (marijuana), grinding, implied smut
⇢ summary College is a matter of working hard and playing hard. It’s an opportunity to start fresh, to grow as an individual and to blossom with those you befriend. People come and people go, leaving their mark on your life and showing you all the parts of becoming an adult. Some, however, do more than leave their mark. Some take just as much as they give. Things become complicated once they take the entirety of your love because you outright offered it to them.—college!au ; stoner!au ; friends to lovers!au
⇢ a/n yo!!! disclaimer: this initially was going to just be a long one shot but i decided to split it up into 3 parts, so just to let u all know part 1 & 2 does not have a ton of hyunjin interaction, they’re more character/plot building. part 3 is when things will get spicy ♥︎ i hope u enjoy! if u rb make sure to let me know what u thought in the tags mwah also i finally switched from ___ to yn are u guys proud of me :)
prelude.
Sometimes you really, truly, honestly think you could go right ahead and kill Han Jisung.
You say it all the time. Sometimes it’s a simple, “I will literally kill you,” or when you are feeling extra spicy, “Sleep with one eye open tonight.” He, of course, laughs it off like you aren’t vibrating with the urge to kick his kneecaps in. You seriously have lost count of all the times he has brought you to the brink of insanity.
And honestly, you have watched enough murder documentaries on Netflix that you probably could do it, but, you know, spending the rest of your life in prison does not sound that appealing. Plus, there’s the ever-troubling detail that Han Jisung is the closest thing you have to a best friend. So, it sort of goes against your basic human morals to backstab—literally—the most important human in your life.
But he really makes you crazy. Why you agreed to share an apartment with him in the first place is a mystery, but the fact that you leased it again for junior year is what really makes you lose sleep at night. Because, while he may be your best friend, Jisung is the epitome of a little shit. If such a compound word was in the dictionary, it simply would say ‘Han Jisung.’ Somehow, though, it makes you love him even more. Maybe it’s true that ‘opposites attract,’ or, perhaps, maybe it’s because no matter how much embarrassment and general self-loathing he may have caused you in the past, it has benefitted you in the end.
For example, his constant teasing about your lack of friends eventually led to you befriending a group of girls you always admired from afar. His snarky comments concerning your nonexistent social life finally got to you and now you can proudly wear the title of one of the best beer pong players in your class. His presence in general has taught you to stand up for yourself and what you believe in, whether it’s against him, your parents, a toxic friend, hell, even a professor. Proving people wrong, especially Jisung, is your favorite pastime.
Sometimes, though, it’s not that easy.
There’s one area in your life where you have accepted defeat. One area in your life where Jisung has his most fun. One area, or, perhaps one person, where you simply cannot step beyond your comfort zone.
Hwang Hyunjin is your Achilles tendon and Jisung is the arrow. There are times, along with all the times you’ve considered strangling Jisung in his sleep, where you have sat and actually prayed to the gods to send someone else. Someone not nearly as perfect as Hyunjin and someone not nearly as unattainable. Alas, these prayers, hook-ups, Tinder dates, anything to get him off your mind has proved futile; because here you are three years later, stuck with this stupid, absolutely infuriating crush on the only boy who has ever owned your heart because you outright gave it to him.
one.
You are beginning to think the two bubbly junior girls who led the campus tour you attended last year lied about the dining hall.
Correction: they one hundred percent lied.
Because even though the newly renovated food court looks nice—unscratched linoleum floors, shiny marble countertops and all sorts of seating to choose from—there must be something fishy going on with the cooks. Literally. Just last week, an upperclassman had a breakdown when she forked into her tuna (why anyone would want college seafood is another story) to find a worm right there in the middle of it. You have found little shards of glass in the yogurt and bugs even at You-Cook, but that’s all a part of the college experience, right?
“Are you sure there’s no spiders or anything? Did you check?” Beside you, Maddie watches with furrowed brows as you spoon a hefty serving of scrambled eggs onto your plate. Chuckling, you move down to grab a few sausages and a chocolate chip muffin before they are gone for the rest of the day; Lord knows, you are only a month in and carbohydrates have quickly become your emotional support, just like everyone else. “Yes, I checked,” you assure her, hiding a laugh with your hand as she leans over to further scrutinize the eggs, “I didn’t see any arachnids.”
“Good,” she hums, satisfied with your answer, “can you grab a banana muffin for me? They’re usually at the bottom.”
Nodding, you turn back to the blessed muffin basket, pushing away blueberry, corn, double chocolate, all because Maddie has to be different and go for the macadamia nut banana.
“Are those the dinosaur socks they were selling on move-in day?” In front of you, someone asks, and your first instinct is to look down at your feet just to confirm. 8:30 calculus simply turns your brain to mush and remembering how you dressed for the day is near impossible. “Yes!” Laughing, you lift your leg to get a closer look at the cute green t-rexes on skates. “I was sold once I heard they were a dollar.”
Tearing your gaze away from said socks, you look up and suddenly feel as if you have bumped into an angel. Maybe there were spiders in the eggs, deadly poisonous spiders that crawled up the spoon while you weren’t paying attention and bit your hand and now you are dead and this is the angel leading you to the heavens. That, or this simply is the most beautiful human you have ever seen up close and your brain does not know how to process it. Well, maybe that’s a little extreme, but you definitely have never been so starstruck in your life.
The boy in front of you says something but you don’t hear it, senses and thoughts momentarily Off™ as you gawk at him. Aside from the deep undereye bags you all have claimed the past few weeks, this stranger is as close to perfect as you can get. Sure, Seungmin and his roommates are pretty cute—but what the fuck?
Something tells you that you have been silently staring at him, wide-eyed and mouth hanging open for far too long when his brows raise in a mix of confusion and expectation. Shit. What did he say? Synapses suddenly shooting like fireworks in your brain, you desperately try to remember his reply but instead, all you had focused on was the plumpness of his lips as he spoke and not the words themselves.
Clearing your throat, you blink once, twice, hoping you were hallucinating the whole time and the boy in front of you is not Hercules incarnate.
Lucky for you or him, you can’t tell, but he is still as attractive as he was two seconds ago. “Sorry, what?” You blurt, loud, too loud, flinching at the sound of your own voice. Instead of recognizing that you are totally off your rocker, he smiles, a soft, toothy smile that has your muscles turning to goo.
“I said I bought them, too,” cutest-boy-in-the-universe repeats, looking down and you follow his gaze, “my roommates were making fun of me, so I’m glad I finally found someone who bought them.” Alas, as he tugs at the fabric of his jeans to slightly lift the cuff you see that he, too, wears the same socks. You think you’re in love.
“Well, your roommates clearly have no taste,” you deadpan, shakily meeting his eyes once he looks back up. He laughs softly, eyes scrunching at the action and you positively swoon until silence settles over you and he takes the opportunity to regard you, gaze sweeping down your frame and up again. You hold your breath because, 1) holy shit, you would get on your knees for him right now and 2) you suddenly wish you were wearing more than the ‘just-woke-up-to-get-pegged-by-calc’ fit.
“I’m Hyunjin,” he finally says and you release all the air trapped in your lungs. “YN,” you return, grasping his outreached hand and thanking the heavens it is as sweaty as yours. “Well, it was nice to meet you, YN,” Hyunjin proceeds, releasing your hand and offering a gentle smile.
“You too, Mr. Sock Man,” you grin, rocking on your heels and realizing with a pang of disappointment that your breakfast has probably gone cold. Well, that’s okay, because right now you are totally content standing here in the middle of the dining hall, silently staring at this Hyunjin with a stupid smile plastered on your face. And the best part? He apparently is just fine doing that, too.
“YN!” Somewhere behind you, Maddie calls your name and it thrusts you head-first back into reality. “Did you find a banana muffin? I can’t find— oh. Who’s this?” Appearing beside you, visibly shocked having found you in a staring contest with a very tall, very cute boy. “Oh, uh,” you huff out a laugh, scrambling to get yourself together, “Hyunjin, this is Maddie, my roommate. Maddie, this is Hyunjin. We have the same socks.”
Brows shooting up at the puzzling introduction, Maddie bites back a laugh and looks back and forth between you and Hyunjin. “Well, you don’t hear that every day,” smiling to hide her confusion, she offers him a small wave with her hand full of muffin packs, “nice to meet you.”
Hyunjin smiles in return, gaze quickly returning to you. “I’ll be off, then. Gotta get the waffles while they’re still warm. I’ll see you around.”
And before you know it, he’s off toward the other end of the breakfast counter.
“Um, what the fuck?” Maddie whispers excitedly as you make your way toward your usual table, elbow repeatedly jabbing into your side. “I have no idea what just happened. I think I’m dreaming,” you sigh blissfully, relieved to find that Jisung and Seungmin were able to claim your favorite booth. “No, definitely not dreaming. He’s totally into you. You have to hang out.”
“What?” You sputter, nearly tripping over your own two feet. Then, lowering your voice as you near the two boys, “I – no, he isn’t. How can you tell? That was like, the cutest guy I’ve ever talked to, and you think he’s into me?”
“Who’s the cutest guy ever?” Jisung pipes up, eyes lighting up and you curse him and his fucking bat hearing.
“No one,” you grumble, smiling softly at Seungmin when he gets up so you don’t have to sit on the end, leaving Maddie to sit next to the other one. “Is it me?” Jisung grins with a flutter of his eyelashes. He’s convinced the only reason you dislike him is because you’ve actually fallen in love with him, but that’s far from the truth. You don’t even dislike him—he’s just one of the first guys you’ve met who meets your sarcasm with as much ferocity, and that is a hard pill to swallow.
“In your dreams, Han,” you sneer, gracing him with a dramatic eye roll before tearing open the bag of your muffin. Comfortable conversation quickly falls into place as you eat, complaints about your classes, Seungmin trying to convince you to join them at the first party they will be attending while Jisung mocks you for wanting to stay home, Maddie asking where Felix is and Seungmin explaining that he got so high last night he ended up staying up past four playing Overwatch and is currently sleeping past all his classes.
Then, in the midst of guzzling your apple juice, Jisung leans out of his seat to call down the aisle. “Hwang! Come pull a chair over!”
Curiosity peaked, you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand and crane your neck to see over Seungmin’s fat head for who this ‘Hwang’ could be until, like the universe is really trying to kill you, the Hyunjin you met not even ten minutes ago has reached your table. “Hey,” he grins brightly, dabbing up the two boys before he glances to you, mouth promptly falling open. Certain you mirror the same expression, you struggle to find your words as Jisung and Seungmin look between you in shared confusion. “First we share socks, now it’s these dumpheads?”
Ignoring the way they scowl, Hyunjin giggles shamelessly and grabs a chair from an adjacent table to sit at the head of your booth. “It would seem that way.”
“Woah, woah, woah. Slow down. You guys know each other?” Jisung scoffs in disbelief, pointedly looking at you as if you’ve gone and disproved everything he pegged of you. “We just met,” Hyunjin replies with a shy smile, sparing you a quick glance before cutting into his waffle. Jisung looks to you and you offer an affirmative nod.
“And how are you guys friends?” Maddie asks, sensing your panic. “He’s Changbin and Minho’s roommate,” Seungmin answers.
You choke on a mouthful of juice.
“Christ, you good?” Seungmin snickers, offering a few slaps to your back. With a muffled yes, you look to Hyunjin with pleading eyes. “Please don’t tell them I said they have no taste.”
He laughs, arching a brow at you. “No way. They’ll get a kick out of that.”
“Oh, Christ,” faking a cry, you bury your face into your palms, “so much for making friends.”
“It’s okay, YN,” Jisung soothes with faux sympathy, “no one wants to be your friend anyway.”
Scoffing, the table quickly falls silent when you look up with rage in your eyes. “I bet when someone asks your parents about you, they change the subject,” you spit, shooting daggers at him before stabbing your fork into an innocent chunk of egg. To your utmost surprise but total delight, the other three burst into a fit of laughter, leaving you smirking smugly and Jisung sulking.
“Anyway,” Maddie promptly changes the subject back to her chemistry professor who has started every class playing Britney Spears. Tucked away in your corner finishing the last of your sausage and stifling the urge to get up for more, it isn’t until Hyunjin begins to speak do you realize that you have been quietly watching him the entire time. You would blame the soft morning sunshine shining through the windows and illuminating the right side of his face for making him look so ethereal, but you know that isn’t the case; from short, messy black hair, silver hoop earrings, thick, defined brows, the soft curves of his nose and the pouty fullness of his lips, you are totally, completely mesmerized.
And then, the sole of a sneaker is slammed right into your shin. “OW!” You yelp, loud, and for a moment you forget the pain in favor of the embarrassment that comes with the number of heads that turn to look at you. “Sorry. Bit my tongue,” you lie, earning an unconvinced look from Maddie. “Go on,” you nod toward Hyunjin to continue whatever he was saying before directing a furious glare to Jisung, who fails to hide his triumphant smirk as he enthusiastically types on his phone.
Just as you have bent down to rub at your throbbing leg, your phone vibrates twice against the table.
han jisung [now]
stop staring, ur lucky hwang is as dense as a rock or he would have left a long time ago bc of you
han jisung [now]
so THAT’S the ‘cutest guy ever’ huh? so ur straight after all
Squeezing your hands into fists, you prepare to fire back a reply that will have him crying. But he has different plans.
“Oh, Hyunjin, did YN tell you she’s a dancer, too?” He exaggerates your previous mention of dancing and has the audacity to wink at you. Thanks, Mr. Match Maker.
“Really?” Hyunjin gasps excitedly, eyes lighting up and totally missing the flabbergasted what? that sputters from your lips.
“I – well, no,” you hiss, scowling at Jisung, “I used to do ballet when I was younger but that’s it. Why, though? Do you dance?”
“He’s here on a scholarship,” Seungmin explains, “and minors in creative writing.”
“Oh,” you squeak, glancing to Hyunjin who is all but smiling like a cherub, completely oblivious, “that’s amazing. You must have a crazy schedule.” Chewing the last of his waffle, he hums in agreement. “Yeah, it gets really stressful at times. But it’s worth it,” Hyunjin chuckles. Then fucking winks.
Unable to hold his gaze, you whip your head back around in a panic and reach for the mere sip left of your juice. “Speaking of crazy schedules,” he hums, slapping both Jisung and Seungmin on the shoulders, “I must head out. This was fun. I may start crashing the party more now.” Rising from his seat, Hyunjin swings his bag over a shoulder and grins brightly. Realizing it would be rude to not say goodbye, you force yourself to look back to him and offer a feeble wave.
“And YN, don’t bite your tongue when you eat, yeah?”
You’re going to pass out.
two.
Felix likes to think of you as his corrupted child when it comes to smoking weed.
A few weeks before you would all be returning home for winter break, he came knocking on your door with a proposition. “No one wants to smoke with me. Do you want to?”
This, for sure, was not what you were expecting on a cold Tuesday night in December. Despite the general curiosity and always wanting to ‘try it’ simply to feel like a teenager breaking the rules, you told him you never smoked before. “I know,” he said with a smile, “that’s why I’m asking.”
So, you agreed. Reaching for your hand, Felix snuck you out the window and led you halfway across campus to the junior parking lot, giving you ample opportunities to back out when he felt how badly you were shaking. “Whose car is this?” You laughed in disbelief when he unlocked a beaten-up Nissan near the outskirts of the lot.
“Kim Woojin. The junior?” He replied once you settled in the passenger seat next to him. “Oh.” You blinked, confused. “He lets you smoke in his car?”
“He gets me weed, too,” Felix giggled, reaching into the pockets of his sweatshirt and coming out with two tightly wrapped blunts, each about two inches long, “I’ll turn the heat on a little so we don’t freeze but we have to keep the windows open. I’m not going to have you hotbox for your first time.” You had no idea what that meant, but you agreed nonetheless.
With a brief lesson on what to do that truly made no sense until you tried it for yourself, Felix lit the blunt, took a few small hits to get it started, and then passed it to you. Holding it gingerly between your thumb and index finger, you brought the unlit end to your lips and sucked as he instructed ‘like a straw,’ breathing it into your lungs and ignoring the faint taste of smoke. Unsure of when to stop, it wasn’t until your throat felt as if it was on fire did you realize just how much you had inhaled.
“Shit,” you wheezed, coughing and choking and watching with wide eyes at the amount of cloudy white smoke that left your mouth and nostrils. Passing it back to Felix, you scrambled for the cold water bottle he brought along, downing half of it in one go to soothe the burn. “Good?” He asked, blowing out the window and turning back to you with eyes full of concern.
“Yeah,” you huffed, “give me a few, though.”
Humming in agreement, Felix connected his phone to the car’s Bluetooth and began playing what he calls his ‘getting high playlist,’ and before long, you fell in love with the feeling.
When break was over, you were dying to try it again. Felix was more than happy to be of service.
For all of March, it turned into a daily thing.
Now, you try to smoke only once a week for the sake of not dying, or something.
australian felix kjellberg❤️ [now]
come hang at 201?
When the text notification pops up in the corner of your laptop screen amid your YouTube binge, your bones jitter with a mix of dread and excitement.
Dread, because that’s Hyunjin’s room. Excitement, because that’s Hyunjin’s room.
Maddie must hear your sigh. “What’s wrong?” She asks from her cozied position in bed, hand deep in a bag of popcorn.
“It’s Felix,” you start, “but he said to go to Hyunjin’s room.”
She blinks, unfazed. “And? I don’t see the problem here.”
“Well, I don’t know,” you count on your fingers, “first, I don’t know how to act around Hyunjin sober. Second, I don’t know how to act around Hyunjin high. Third, I am very touchy when high. Fourth, Hyunjin is always touchy.”
Maddie scoffs. “That’s a pretty lame argument, YN,” she laughs, “isn’t that what you want to happen?”
“Well,” she’s got a point, “yes, but it still makes me nervous. He makes me nervous.” Closing your laptop, you shimmy out of bed and debate changing out of your cotton shorts and tee shirt. Nah. You’ll probably end up going back to Felix’s and sleeping there. You put a sports bra and deodorant on and call it a day.
Maddie finds this hilarious. “You know what should make you nervous? The fact that you’re usually the only girl getting high with, what? Six guys? You know they all want to fuck you.”
“I try not to think about that, actually,” cringing, you try to erase Felix’s voice when he’s high as a kite or Changbin’s arms from your mind, “and you don’t know that. Sometimes Ryujin and Lia are there. Or, you know, you could always come. You don’t have to smoke, just come hang out. I know you want to give Minho a fat smooch.”
Her nose wrinkles in disgust. “I love you, and I appreciate the invite, but I don’t feel like babysitting a bunch of stoners, even if Minho is there.”
Laughing, all you can offer her is a shrug. “I don’t blame you,” grabbing your phone, wallet, and charger, you make your way over to her and bend over to press a goodnight kiss to her forehead, “if you need me, don’t. I’ll probably be dead.”
“Oh Lord,” Maddie cackles, watching you struggle to open the window, “don’t die. I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“I’ll try,” you grin, military saluting once you’ve managed to flop over the ledge. With one last wave, you close the window behind you and thank admissions for giving you a room on the first floor.
[9:34 PM] YN: omw now, gather your forces to help me in :)
Nights in 201 are always interesting. First, their room is on the second floor, so climbing through the window is an experience. Things would be a hell of a lot easier if you could just walk in and out of residence halls as you please, but with the officer at the front desk documenting who comes in and who goes out, there would be a knock at the door at midnight asking you to leave. Second: as Maddie said, 201 means the whole squad is showing up. And when the whole squad shows up, you’re bound to feel a mix of anxiety and desire deep within your bones no matter how hard set you are on Mr. Hwang. And third: you know you’re in for one fucked up night.
[9:42 PM] YN: hereee
Standing awkwardly behind their building, you try and calm the nerves that always come when you know you will be with Hyunjin. Considering how close the two of you have become over the past few months, one would think you would have gotten a grip on those pesky feelings.
Yet again, it’s kind of hard to do that when he looks and acts like that all the time.
When the window slides open, you are expecting Changbin to hang halfway out for you to grab on to with the rest of them holding onto his legs. Instead, a tall, metal ladder of sorts is pushed out until it lands with a thud! at your feet, granting you a perfect staircase into the room.
Well, you certainly don’t see that every day.
Blinking in confusion, you do not know whether to focus on the crowd of boys waving at you from above or this abomination of a stepstool that was practically thrown out a window for you. Accepting the chain of events as just another fever dream of an experience in 201, you shake your head and begin to ascend on shaky legs, graciously taking Jisung’s hand and clinging to both him and Seungmin as they help you into the room. “Thanks,” you huff, giving them both a hug in return to their chivalry. And they dare say it’s dead!
Behind you, Changbin and Hyunjin lift the ladder-stepstool mutation back into the room and it isn’t until they have folded it into a more compact piece and set it against the wall do you speak up.
“Did you… buy a ladder?”
“Yes!” Minho bellows, thrilled by your successful entrance. “Isn’t it great?” After pulling back from a hug, he keeps his hands on your shoulders just to shake you like a bobble-head.
“Yes,” you grunt once he’s released you, head swimming, “a lot easier than hauling both me and Changbin through the window, right?” Looking to said boy, you can’t help but melt into his side when he pulls you close. “No worries,” Changbin beams, rubbing your arm, “at least we have some funny memories now.” When he moves to flop onto his bed, you realize with a shudder that you are alone with Hyunjin.
Well, technically not alone since they are all right there, but alone in the sense that they are not paying attention to you nor him.
“Hey, YN. I missed you,” he singsongs, engulfing you in one of his monster bear hugs. Disregarding the heart palpitations they may cause, Hyunjin’s hugs are truly the best and you wish you would initiate them more if it didn’t seem like such a big deal in that smooth brain of yours. “I missed you, too,” you mutter into his chest, squeezing your arms around him as if to engrave this feeling into your mind forever. “We saw each other, like, five hours ago,” he reminds you, finally pulling back and taking your will to live with him. God, he has no idea.
“And? You’re the only one here who doesn’t make me suicidal,” you lie because, in reality, he actually does. Just in a different way. “Aw,” he coos, large hand squeezing your side and you think you could orgasm on command, “good thing we have tonight, then, yeah?”
“Yeah,” you squeak, finally remembering to breathe when he steps away to sit beside Seungmin on his bed. Suddenly, you are feeling incredibly grateful no one is next to Changbin because, well, 1) he is closer to Felix and 2), you need a distraction.
“Hello, Felix,” you greet the boy sunk deep in a bean bag chair, busy grinding leaves and packing them into the bowl of a bong. “How are you this fine evening, YN?” He asks once you have settled beside Changbin, brows knitting together when the older boy drapes his arm around your waist.
“Good. Tired, though. How ‘bout you?”
“You didn’t have to come if you’re tired! We all know you work your ass off, no one’s gonna judge if you chose to stay home and sleep,” Felix expresses, giving you a look that screams ‘mom.’
“No! I’m not that tired,” you assure him, reaching for his hand and squeezing for extra effect, “you know I wouldn’t miss this. You’ve made me a pothead.”
With a proud smile, he returns to his designated job and begins working on the second, smaller bong. “So,” stretching to set your things on the desk beside Changbin’s bed, you turn to him with a knowing smile, “how’s the album coming?”
“Great!” He beams, eyes lighting up at the topic. “Jisung is a great addition. Did I tell you we started meeting with someone else, too?”
“No, who?”
“He’s a sophomore, Bang Chan?” Somewhere behind you, Felix passes a bong to Jisung for the first hit. “Bang Chan? Holy shit, Binnie,” repeatedly punching his arm to express your excitement, “that’s amazing! I didn’t know he was into music production. Not that I’ve ever talked to him, but.”
“No, I get you,” he hums, giving your side a firm squeeze, “he’s really awesome making beats. I hope we’re successful.” Then, reaching past you, he takes the second bong and a lighter from Felix. When he resituates himself, he’s considerably closer than before. You don’t mind.
“Ladies first?” Changbin offers with a crooked grin, handing them to you. Then, on second thought, he holds onto the lighter to do the honors. “Sure. Thanks,” you laugh, glancing across the room to find everyone arguing over which color to set the lights to as they wait for their high. Bringing the tube to your lips, you offer a miniscule nod to him and then he is setting flame to the bowl. Sucking strong enough to generate bubbles, you unplug the bowl once he stops and breathe in as much as your lungs can handle in one go. Then, once you have exhaled, you quickly finish what’s left in the tube before passing it to Changbin with a pleased smile.
“That was a lot,” he points out once you have handed the bong back to him. “Hey, you’re the one who kept lighting it for thirty seconds. Mother would be proud,” you joke, reciprocating the same service and lighting the bowl until he glares at you beneath his bangs.
The best part about being high is the fact that you are constantly laughing. Things won’t even be that funny, but once someone starts laughing—you’re done for. You laugh so hard it hurts, and then once it’s all over, you realize it wasn’t funny at all. “Has anyone ever told you that you look like a squirrel?” Minho asks Jisung at some point. You absolutely loose it. It quite possibly is the funniest thing you have ever heard.
Pouting, Squirrel Boy leaves Minho alone on his bed to come crash beside you. “How are you, my tender oozing blossom?”
Squinting at him past the way your eyes burn, you make grabby hands and pull him close to wrap your arms around his teeny waist. Changbin grumbles in protest, but he’s too transfixed on the light’s soft in and out fade of different colors to say anything else. “Please, don’t ever call me that again,” you mumble into Jisung’s mop of brown hair.
“What?” He gasps, tilting to look up at you with puppy eyes. “You didn’t like it?”
“Nope,” smiling lazily, you rest your head atop his, “I love you, but I’m not ready for pet names yet.” His face morphs from a frown to one lit with excitement. “Holy shit, did you just say you love me? Do my eyes deceive me?”
“That would be your ‘ears,’ but yes,” you hum, brain simply not capable of denying it the way your sober self would. “More than Changbin?” Jisung whispers.
“Yes, but don’t tell him,” you return quietly, biting back a laugh.
“More than Hyunjin?” He counters. At this, you look up to find said boy sat with his legs to his chest across the room. Next to Seungmin, he looks like a giant; but a happy, pouty giant that keeps talking about how much he could go for a winter melon tea right now.
“Never.”
One and a half (half because it was just the rest of Minho’s terribly big hit that left tears streaming down his cheeks) and an unfinished game of Cards Against Humanity later, you find yourself in a blissful headspace. The song playing quietly through Felix’s speaker makes it feel like you are bouncing down stairs and then going up again, and the lights are oh so pretty, pink fading to red, yellow to green, blue to purple and so on. Things are fuzzy but crystal clear at the same time, the popcorn you’ve been shoveling into your mouth tastes heavenly, and your body feels like it is engulfed in a warm, comforting hug.
Or, that could just be Changbin.
Somewhere in between trying to get more comfortable and him yanking you to stay next to him when you attempted to get up and hug Seungmin for something sweet he said, you now find yourself on your back with a clinging Changbin on your side. You are so comfortable, but also insanely hot, and as you begin to slowly come down from your high as the hours tick by, you begin to realize it’s for another reason.
What started as an innocent hand on your side turned into his thumb rubbing meaningless patterns against your shirt, which then turned into his hand slipping beneath to splay against the warmth of your skin. Growing increasingly needy as the minutes go by, you turn to look at everyone around you. Jisung, who found himself returning to Minho, appears to be passed out with him on the far end of the room. Seungmin, curled up on the floor with a pillow and a heap of blankets. Felix, who finished off the rest of his weed, scrolls aimlessly on his phone still at the peak of his high.
And Hyunjin, who you assume has been fast asleep on his bed for a while now if the arm flung over his face tells you anything. For a moment, you feel sick with sadness. So close, but so far he lies, always a step out of reach. But you can’t deny how Changbin makes you feel—for right now, at least. And it would be a shame to miss out on an opportunity with someone else because the one you want is unattainable.
Right?
Changbin must sense the way your breathing increases, must feel the way your body reacts to the slightest of touches, yet he takes his time. He is soft in the way his hand travels up your arm, rough fingertips grazing over your collarbones before smoothing down over your chest and abdomen. It isn’t until you are about to burst at the seams does he give your ass a strong squeeze and urge your leg over his hips.
“Changbin,” you sigh, biting your lip to keep from whimpering when he begins pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses down the length of your throat. “Please touch me.”
He only makes a sound of agreement, savoring the way you squirm and grip onto his arm for dear life. When he offers an experimental roll of his hips to grind against you, you practically go feral. The last time you were touched in such a way was at a party in the beginning of the semester Jisung and co. physically forced you to go to, and Changbin has barely even touched you and it’s already better than the rushed sex you had that night.
“Wait,” he huffs, pausing his ministrations no matter how difficult it is to do so, “we can’t.”
“What?” You hiss, trying to keep your voice quiet, “why?”
“Because you’re high, and I’m high, and I’m not going to do anything unless you really want me to,” Changbin explains, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips when you frown in response. “But I do want you to,” you huff, chasing his mouth for another, “I trust you one hundred percent.”
“Are you sure, YN?” What about Hyunjin? is what he really means and you know he’s right. You should have never told Felix.
Trying to ignore the wetness of your underwear, you turn to lie on your back. “Whatever. Never mind,” you mumble, and when you glance back to him, you can’t help the way your heart soars with him still pressed closely to your side, blinking tiredly at you. But like he said, it’s not Hyunjin. “Just get some sleep, Binnie. Forget it happened,” smiling past the tears that threaten to spill, you ruffle his hair and press a softer kiss to his forehead.
“I’m sorry,” Changbin whispers, returning the affection with a kiss to your shoulder. In minutes, he is snoring softly beside you.
You can’t fall asleep to save your life.
Reaching for your phone to check the time, you grit your teeth once you realize it’s almost four and you definitely have been staring at the ceiling for more than an hour. For starters, you are freezing now; unlike these passed out hooligans, you are showing a lot more skin and not being under the blankets is not doing you well. And secondly, it’s hard to fall asleep when your thoughts are flying miles a minute.
Is this how it’s going to be, then? Whenever you see someone, will the little guy on your shoulder whisper in your ear that it’s not Hyunjin? Or will people deem you off limits because they know of your infatuation? People who know, at least—Changbin is the first, apparently.
Just need to get comfy, you decide, trying to ignore such thoughts and turning to lie on your stomach. Bless Felix for leaving the lights on, too—you may be coming down from your high, but the vibe is simply immaculate. Tucking a hand under your cheek and following the ropes of light on the ceiling and up the walls, you find this to be enough to calm your nerves. Enough to make your eyelids heavy. Finally.
Someone lets out a monster train snore. Seungmin, you think, biting your lip to keep from laughing. Or, it could be Hyunjin. The thought is so amusing you can’t help but squint at the boy across from you to better see his outline, hoping he will do it again just to confirm.
No, not Hyunjin.
Because he’s facing you, eyes open, a soft smile plastered on his face. Well, fuck.
No reason to panic, you console yourself, returning a gentle smile in the assumption he can even see you. And you stay like that for a while, simply watching one another for an infinite amount of time. It’s not much, but it means something, you think, lost in the way the contours and highlights of his face change with each color the lights fade to. Just as you remember the whole point of getting on your stomach was to fall asleep, Hyunjin moves. Reaching for his phone, you watch in confusion as he brings it close to his face and starts typing.
hwang hyunjin👁👄👁 [now]
Come sleep w me?
You almost throw up in your mouth. You must be dreaming. Surely.
Blinking against the harsh light of your phone, you cannot help your smile as you reread the text.
[4:02 am] YN: wont that b a little sus for bin
[4:02 am] hwang hyunjin👁👄👁: If anyone asks just say he kept kicking u or something
You don’t need to be told twice. Now that he has turned onto his side facing the other direction, Changbin does not stir once you slowly move to sit up and stand, nor when you reach for the quilt crumbled at the foot of the bed to pull over him. It’s not much, but hopefully it will keep him from waking in a few hours freezing to death. Then, as you tiptoe your way over to Hyunjin’s bed, avoiding Felix now that he’s sprawled half way off the bean bag, you cannot tell if you are still shivering from the cold or if the fact you are going to be sleepingwith Hyunjin in one, tiny single bed is finally clicking in your brain. Like Maddie said, this is something you want, right?
As you draw closer, Hyunjin shifts to make room and lifts the covers for you to quietly slip beneath. “Thank you,” you whisper, pulling the blanket up to your chin and trying to ignore the feeling of being so close to him. “Of course. You looked real cold over there,” he smiles tiredly. Then, his arm cautiously curls around you to rest by your head, fingers swiping stray hairs away from your face.
“I was,” you admit. Eyes level to his lips, you strain to look him in the eyes to resist the temptation now that he’s pulled you so close. “Changbin fell asleep and I felt bad waking him.”
Hyunjin doesn’t reply. He seems momentarily lost in thought, brows slightly furrowed as he chews on the inside of his lip.
“Do you like him?” He finally asks, voice shaky with hesitation.
“What?” You sputter, shocked at such a presumption. Yet again…
“No, no I don’t. I mean—as a friend, yes, but, you know,” you trail off, squeezing your eyes shut. You desperately wish you were not having this conversation right now. “He was touching you, though. And it looked like you liked it,” Hyunjin whispers, thumb swiping against your cheekbone.
“I mean, well yeah, I did. But I’m not close enough to like him like that. It’s just a physical attraction,” realizing you are discussing what went down with Changbin to Hyunjin, you suddenly pull back and lean up on an elbow to get a better look at him, heat now spreading up your limbs like fire. “Were you watching us, Hwang?”
“Yes,” he admits, “it’s kind of hard not to.” Your heart stops beating.
“I – what?” You manage once you have remembered how to breathe. “I didn’t know you were awake, we wouldn’t have… what do you mean, ‘it’s kind of hard not to?’”
“You know what I mean, YN,” Hyunjin mutters, arm slipping around your waist and pulling you to lie down with him again, this time, your chest pressed to his. “I like looking at you. You’re very pretty.”
You definitely must still be high, because you are seriously having a hard time wrapping your mind around Hyunjin calling you pretty, as well as being so close, and somewhere deep in your mind wonders if he knows. If he knows how your heart is on the line here. Knows that with him moving closer, you are taking a huge risk.
When Hyunjin kisses you, you forget that this could be the worst mistake you’ve made in a long time. Wrapped around his fingers, you pray this is his way of saying he feels the same.
“YN!” You wake to Seungmin gently shaking your shoulder. “YN, wake up. Your phone has been vibrating for twenty minutes now. It’s Maddie.��
The wave of panic washing over you dispels the grogginess you feel from suddenly being yanked from sleep, as well as the recognition of where you are and who you’re with. Frantic, you sit up and nod in thanks to him before taking the call. “Hello?”
“Oh, thank God you answered,” Maddie cries, voice choked, “I’m sorry, I know you’re still out, but I just threw up and I feel so terrible and when I get up I feel so nauseous. Can you come home?”
“Shit, Maddie, don’t apologize,” you whisper, rushing to grab your things as Seungmin unfolds The Ladder as quietly as possible, “I’m leaving now. Don’t move, you don’t want it to get worse. I’ll be there as fast as I can, okay?”
“Okay,” she whimpers before hanging up.
“Thank you, Minnie,” pressing a kiss to his cheek, you begin to climb down. “Is everything okay?” He asks, watching as you go with a worried frown. “Yes, it’s fine. Just a little emergency, don’t worry,” praying no one is out and about watching as you climb from the back of their building, you rush back to help Maddie as fast as you can.
You stay back in your dorm with Maddie for the rest of the weekend, fetching her water and ginger ale and food she can handle, helping her to the restroom, and binging all sorts of shows and movies with her. Seungmin, Jisung, and Minho visit Sunday evening, joining you for a few hours to watch Pokémon. You think it’s just because Minho knew it would be a good opportunity to snuggle with Maddie.
You can’t help but feel disappointed when Hyunjin isn’t with them. You refrained from telling Maddie what happened in 201, too caught up wanting to make sure she was alright, and by now you are starting to feel as if it wasn’t even real. Maybe you made the whole night up in your marijuana-infused brain. And snuggled up with Jisung, you can’t help but wish it was this annoying shit you were falling in love with.
On Monday morning, Hyunjin doesn’t show up for breakfast. On Tuesday, you find out he has been hanging out with a girl he met at his favorite boba joint and apparently won’t shut up about. First, you run back to your dorm to cry to Maddie, having to explain all of Friday night to her. When she leaves for her lab, you call Felix for an emergency smoke session. When Maddie texts that she is going to be out late working on a project, you call Changbin to tell him that you really do want him to.
Like you said, it’s just a physical attraction, right?
⇢ part 2
#kwritersworldnet#thekpopnetwork#kpopficsnetwork#hwang hyunjin#hyunjin#stray kids#hwang hyunjin smut#hyunjin smut#stray kids smut#hwang hyunjin fluff#hyunjin fluff#stray kids fluff#hwang hyunjin angst#hyunjin angst#stray kids angst#hwang hyunjin imagines#hyunjin imagines#stray kids imagines#hwang hyunjin scenarios#hyunjin scenarios#stray kids scenarios#hwang hyunjin x reader#hyunjin x reader#stray kids x reader
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'tired' ? for your challenge :P
a.n. anon u... u reel me into a very dangerous thought okay. for the first 3 minutes, congratulation. but not after that. not toDAY SATAN!!1!1!1!!1
also. this is unexpectedly LONG. SO. LONG.
jiang yuelou sighs in annoyance after hanging up zhan junbai's phone call, telling him that his men failed to track down hong kong's emerging opium dealer that currently supplies jing city with an unidentified type of poppy. the whole police bureau is on fire due to this discovery.
"all i could confirm is that they indeed sell a new type of opium, presumably from india. but we failed to extract any information about the leader, let alone catching them. they were enforced by british authorities and my men suddenly were outnumbered," says junbai dimly from the other side of the line, clearly not liking the unpredicted variable in their perfectly planned undercover.
the executive offers an apology, which yuelou dismisses in a second 'cause executive zhan, regardless this one very failure, is still the best external alliance ever. the most reliable source, partner, and friend. yuelou can't ask for a better connection than zhan junbai.
but that doesn't change the current result. coming with that are mayor cai's aggravation and bai jinbo's wrath. song rong and sun yongren can only dip their head down watching the commissioner throw those paper in their boss' face, saying how incompetent yuelou is.
("well, let's see if commissioner bai can capture them by himself!" sun yongren says quietly, aggressively biting a baozi in his head 'cause it's pass dinner already.)
so, having a bad day is an understatement. it's beyond bad, it's bad bad. jiang yuelou is not someone who accepts defeat easily, he never wants to be one step behind. when he's one step behind, he must be in the chasing mode—he must be the one controlling the lane, the illusion of safety margin that manipulates the target's decision, the pace of their game. but today, someone else's successfully taking over him without his permission, dragging him around like a lifeless ragdoll.
thinking about him getting controlled by an unknown party burns him, anger boils in his vein—violence at the tip of his fingers, ready to transfer his rage to anything and anyone without mercy. upon seeing jiang yuelou disappear into his room, song rong and sun yongren immediately rush to every corridor that yuelou will have to walk through to exit the building, telling everyone not to initiate any conversation if their boss pass them by to avoid making the bureau a blood painted crime scene.
"don't- don't talk to chief jiang when he walks out, understand?!" sun yongren repeats the same information to some rookies coming in for their night shift before running to other corridor. the young officers, still with their idealism and lack of experience, take it with a grain of salt.
next thing they know is they freeze under the wall-mounted lamp as jiang yuelou grimly walks down the corridor. noone says anything to him, not even looking up from the carpeted tiles after they nod to salute him. his subordinates immediately clear out of his way, bumping their shoulders into the wall to avoid bumping into the walking wrath instead.
the said chief passes by the rookies too, giving them a side-eye, and they feel like they just get caressed by death. the yellow lights from the filament lamp falls on his pale white face, clenched jawline, and riled expression every two meter, making his appearance more hair-rising due to scanty lighting and blank spots. in addition, winter wind is particularly strong this week, easily slipping inside from the gap between the window frame and the stone surface. the corridor, dimly lit and gravely chilling, feels like a gate to the underworld and yán wáng is coming to take them personally, for a good minute.
the chief keeps striding without diverting his attention anymore, eyes fixed forward to shove everyone aside. he only has one destination set in his mind now and before he gets to it, his revolver will aim towards whoever gets in his way and extricate them his way, which usually is... freestyle.
when yuelou arrives in front of yuzhi’s front gate, he can’t help the bubbling anger overflowing his already small pot. the wooden doors are closed, tight, locked, yelling at him “no chen yuzhi today.” noone in this world would understand the immense effect this sentence can do to jiang yuelou who has grown a co-dependency with the doctor. today is marked as yuelou’s worst setback in life.
the chief exhales loudly, admitting his defeat to the universe, and makes his way towards his house with heavy shoulders. the rage and anger he wanted to lash out recklessly towards chen yuzhi douses entirely by the fact that the doctor’s not home to listen to him vent. thank goodness the snowfall is not heavy today unless he’d bury himself under the thick snow in one of jing city’s darkest alley. it’s sad that he is alone in this big, big world today. dramatic, but valid.
just when he’s about to open the gate to his house, he sees they are already unlocked. jiang yuelou never forgets unlocking his own house. facing unforeseen danger on daily basis, yuelou immediately slips his hand into his jacket and pulls out the revolver from its holster. he opens the wooden gate slowly, trying not to make even a creak from the rusty hinge and accidentally announce his appearance instead.
slowly but steadily, the gap widens and he steps inside with his arms are stretched out, his revolver is ready for some quick shooting. but he is welcomed with his brightly lit house in lieu of a group of opium dealers whose lives he ruined in the past. his eyes widen in disbelief upon seeing steam rising from freshly cooked foods on his dining table. yuelou freezes from his place, his arms gradually lowering themselves as well as his self defense.
soon, a man dressed in a warm ivory white knitted turtleneck appears with two plates of dish in his hand coming out from his kitchen and setting them on the table with other dishes. his hair, as usual, combed neatly—unlike yuelou’s hasty finger-combing technique. he is wearing yuelou’s slipper, the one he left behind in his living room when he was off to work. the moment the said man looks up and meets him in the eyes, a smile blossoms on his face, so beautiful yuelou can feel his heart wrenches from the mere sight.
"yuelou? you're home."
this is the view he's always dreaming of for God knows how long but never dares to tell. to come home to chen yuzhi dressed in a warm clothes, smiling under the bright light of jiang residence and welcoming him with a tight hug. and if he tells him he misses him into his ear, yuelou will pepper him with kisses all over his face, free of charge for undeterminable time, until yuzhi is tired from giggling and trying to escape from his iron grip. until he puts his palm over yuelou's lips as the last attempt to prevent him from attacking his face again and smile playfully at yuelou's temporary defeat. until the glint in his gleaming doe eyes changes into something like want, something that sounds like a request to kiss him properly if yuelou has some energy left to be wasted.
and jiang yuelou will not ask twice if he catches yuzhi's eyes flicker to his lips just once and goes back to meet his eyes. because yuzhi will see him doing the same thing too and he will understand that both of them want it.
jiang yuelou slams the wooden gate close, storming towards chen yuzhi whose eyes widen at his explosive reaction. impulsivity has neither been a best friend nor a rival, in yuelou’s case, but he learns to run for what his heart longs the most. and this is the first time his body really runs for what his heart wants. his heart wants comfort.
the chief throws away his revolver once he is inside his house and immediately reaches out for the doctor. one of his arm pulls yuzhi closer to his body as tight as he could while the other one is fixated on yuzhi's jawline, gently tilting it to a better angle ‘cause,
fuck this.
"yue-"
chen yuzhi never finishes his name as yuelou closes their gap and captures his upper lip, his teeth painfully clashing against yuelou as the latter miscalculates his strength. but yuelou doesn’t stop to apologize like every time he accidentally hurt him, instead crowding him against the dining table and kissing the light out of him as if the last time he had a meal was a thousand years ago.
yuzhi is confused, very confused. this is not their first kiss, but this is the first kiss that yuelou does so overly rough, messy, and raw, like a mass mayhem in a week long blackout. he knows yuelou tends to be stormy when his trauma is triggered or his mission falls by the wayside but he never lets this kind of weather affects his behavior and treatment towards chen yuzhi. after the doctor treats him routinely and he gradually gets better at controlling his emotion.
understanding and patiently waiting are yuzhi’s best weapons to pacify yuelou, returning him back to the ground until both of his feet firmly embed to the soil. he only needs to mold it into a form of physical affection without trying to change his pace. something that jiang yuelou will perceive as an act of submission. only this way, yuelou can and will melt. he is not a man who can be persuaded by asserting one’s power on him, and coercion is never chen yuzhi’s forte anyways.
the doctor gently squeezes yuelou’s shoulder once where he places his hands before and moves to hook them around his neck. he buries his right hand in his black hair, his fingers are warm and heavy against the skin of yuelou’s head. his thumb is rubbing a small circle on his back head tenderly, like a mantra he does it over and over again until jiang yuelou comes back to his sense.
that’s when yuelou’s grip on his waist loosens little by little, his turbulent kissing reduces to a slower and intimate one—the one that always trips chen yuzhi and makes him fall deeper for the other man and his enigma. soft moan slips out of his lips only to get muffled by yuelou’s inadvertent growl.
they gasp for air eventually but never leaving their hands from each other’s body, not quite ready to let go. in between their huff and puff, yuelou steals a soft kiss on yuzhi’s cheekbone.
“i’m sorry, love. i was–” yuelou hesitantly looks up, straight into yuzhi’s eyes. the decision is a bad move, probably the only bad move that yuelou has ever made ‘cause the emotion in yuzhi’s eyes, they remain calm and considerate, far from judgmental nor do they spiteful. his lips are bruised as hell but his eyes, they never stop glistening with benevolence and never-ending patience towards his lover.
jiang yuelou can’t stand the guilt rising in the depth of his heart after seeing them. they are together, chen yuzhi chooses to be with him not to be his outlet of rage. the image of his defenseless late mother flashes in yuzhi’s face and he instantly regrets whatever he forced yuzhi into earlier. even if it’s just a kiss, something he did daily, routinely, sneakily, wholeheartedly, nothing really abusive and malignant about it but yuzhi might be hurt today. and if yuelou hurts him, he is breaking his own rule written on the very top of the list.
“yuzhi, i’m sorry i–” chen yuzhi slides his hands, cupping the older man’s face that looks like a 13 year old boy now under the weight of his guilt. smiling ever so fondly, he says, “you are tired, love.”
words stuck in yuelou’s throat for the third time upon seeing yuzhi’s eyes that have perfectly sensed his weary and withheld agitation. it’s his red light, then. it’s time for him to let yuzhi take control of the situation and do his part of the day. to do what he is the best at that yuelou is the worst at. any other matters can wait until yuzhi deems him to be fully loaded with ammo and health again.
jiang yuelou leans forward into chen yuzhi’s body, resting his feverish forehead on the crook of his lover’s neck, seeking comfort and humanly touch. yuzhi can’t help smiling at yuelou’s clinginess—he never says it but he absolutely loves it. love the idea to take care of the most troublesome chief officer in the whole jing city. love the way his toned muscles and tensed neck relax under his lithe fingers as he bathes him in a bathtub.
“let me prepare hot water for your bath.”
“will you wash my hair too?”
“hm.”
“what else will you wash?”
chen yuzhi presses a kiss on yuelou’s cheek, whispering “make a wish” before walking towards the kitchen, and disappear behind the white wall.
#viriyanon answer#killer and healer#jiang yuelou#chen yuzhi#yuezhi#killer and healer fic#i should stick to making gif and doing fanart rite#viriyanon writes#of burned sunset
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“Beth” Daryl Dixon x Beth Greene w/ Unrequited!F!Reader
Request: anonymous: can i please please request a heather by conan gray song fic where reader is jealous of what daryl and beth had ( basically daryl x reader but onesided 💔👄💔 ) omg pure damn angst that'd be immaculate 😭😭 thank u very much 💔💔
Word Count: 3540
Warning: Unrequited Love
Song I Wrote To: “Heather” by Conan Gray
Note: I hate to say that I know exactly how our reader felt and man does it fucking suck to feel that way. thank you for the request. NOTE: I see Beth and daryl as platonic soulmates, not romantic.
----------
I still remember third of December
Me in your sweater, you said it looked better
On me, than it did you, only if you knew
How much I liked you, but I watch your eyes
It hadn’t rained in days and you were almost out of water.
Since saving Beth from the Grady ordeal and discovering Noah’s home was gone, it was a mix of emotions within the group. After Terminus, there hadn’t been much hope on the horizon. Rescuing Beth had brought some light into your family’s eyes, but there was still the question of what happened next.
The prison was gone and you had lost people, but you had found each other again and that was better than nothing. Walking alongside Glenn and Maggie, your eyes were on the duo in front of you.
Daryl and Beth.
You didn’t know what had exactly happened between the two of them after the prison fell, but whatever it was had changed them. Two very unlikely people were now attached at the hip every moment of every day. Daryl never had Beth out of his sight if he could help it. The only time he did was when Beth was with her sister.
Daryl Dixon was the one that always made sense to you. You had met him the day he had walked into the camp with Merle. He tended to keep his distance from everyone else, but eventually, you had gotten him to talk to you and it didn’t take long for your feelings to form.
There had been small moments between the two of you that you thought had meant something. The slightest of glances, his hand on your arm when he needed your attention, or even when he had found you alone in the CDC and checked in.
It wasn’t until you were safe on the farm and Andrea had nearly killed him that you realized the feelings you had were more than a simple crush, you were falling for him and you were falling hard.
As she walks by
What a sight for sore eyes
Brighter than the blue sky
At the prison, you became his partner for all the supply runs. You were quick on your feet and didn’t care too much for small talk so he preferred to hunt with you. You hadn’t noticed that he and Beth were getting closer at all. The prison had offered Beth a boyfriend, though he didn’t last long and died on a supply run with Daryl.
When the prison had fallen, you had been with Maggie, Sasha, and Bob. The four of your had traveled down rickety roads searching for Glenn and the others. When you had encountered Terminus, you weren’t sure if you were going to get out of there alive. There had been too many variables and you were still missing people.
She's got you mesmerized
While I die
That is until Rick, Daryl, Michonne, and Carl had entered the train car and you had immediately grabbed Daryl into a hug. His arms had been hesitant at first but then hugged you back, burying his head in your hair. When he had pulled back and spotted Maggie, his face had fallen and he had told her what happened.
Beth had been taken.
The reunion was short-lived as Gareth and his people dragged Rick, Daryl, Bob, and Glenn from the train car. Both you and Maggie had yelled as the men you loved were torn from your grips. Sasha had to hold you back, keeping her arms locked around your torso as you fought against her.
Everything after that was a blur and then the next thing you knew, there was an explosion and you and the rest of your family began to fight back. It wasn’t until Abraham had taken your hand and dragged you into the woods that you were finally reunited with Daryl and the others.
Still reeling from almost being dinner for cannibals, everyone tried to remain calm, but there was still one more thing you and the others had to do: Get Beth back.
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater
It's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were Heather
Daryl wouldn’t stop talking about her. He couldn’t believe he had lost her at the funeral home. He thought he was protecting her when he told her to run, but then she had been taken anyways. Daryl told Maggie that he had screamed for her sister, running after the car that snatched her, but they never slowed and they never stopped.
“Beth is strong and she’ll survive anything these assholes throw at her,” you had told him, trying to offer comfort after you had found the church. Daryl had been sitting alone on watch when you had found him. You could tell he was becoming restless and that it was only a matter of time before he went after her. What he said next had confirmed your theory.
“She is strong,” Daryl had agreed, “but she can’t do this alone. Someone’s gotta go get her.” After that, you knew there was no stopping him.
It wasn’t long after that when Daryl had left to go after the people who had taken the young Greene. You had informed the others of what had happened and Rick had ordered everyone to stay put. Daryl, and Carol, who had joined him, were more than capable of getting Beth and Rick knew that if they needed you, you would be there to help.
The entire exchange at Grady felt as if it didn’t even happen. One moment Daryl had come back saying that Carol had been taken as well, and then suddenly you were all on your way into the city to go after your people. Rick had you and Sasha act as snipers on the overpasses to get good vantage points for the initial meeting.
From watching him through your scope, you could see how restless Daryl was getting. If Rick hadn’t of been by his side, you were almost sure that he would have gone into the hospital alone to get her back and probably would have killed them both in the process.
You soon realized that Dawn Lerner was no different from the other threats you and the others had faced. She was proud and naïve at the same time. The woman believed that she was helping people, saving them for when help arrived. However, everyone knew the truth, nobody was coming. Nobody was ever coming.
Watch as she stands with her holding your hand
Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder
You had joined Rick and Daryl in the exchange, keeping your weapon ready in your hands. Carol was brought forward first and then Beth. As soon as she rejoined the group, Rick had pulled her behind him and Daryl stood in front of both of them, creating a shield. Beth stayed close and placed her hand on his back lightly, making sure he knew she was there.
When Dawn had asked for Noah, Beth had walked forward with determination, trying to make the woman see reason, but the former officer wasn’t backing down. Nobody saw the pair of scissors in Beth’s hand until it was too late.
The younger Greene plunged her weapon into Dawn’s chest just as the latter pulled her gun. You flinched, waiting for the gunshot, but the pistol had jammed. Beth stared at the barrel pointed at her head in shock. Just before Dawn could try to explain, Noah pulled Beth back and Daryl pulled his own gun, shooting Dawn in the head without a second thought.
Everyone, including yourself, had then raised their weapons, but the other members of Grady had surrendered, not wanting any more people to die. Rick had then ordered everyone out and back down to the others. You helped Carol stand and she leaned on you as you walked from the hospital.
But how could I hate her? She's such an angel
But then again, kinda wish she were dead
Ahead of you, Daryl had Beth pressed into his side, his arm firmly around her. Beth’s arms clutched at the vest on his back as if she were afraid he would slip away from her again. You were glad that she was okay, but you couldn’t ignore the pang in your heart as you watched the man you loved hold another. The heartbreak only continued after that as your group headed back out onto the road.
------
Coming back to the present, you hadn’t realized that a Walker had begun stumbling after you or that Maggie and Glenn had stepped away to talk amongst themselves. The rest of the group was a few paces ahead of you, unaware of the lurking Dead behind them. Turning slowly, you pulled your knife, trying to stay on your feet. You were exhausted and at this point all you wanted to do was lay down and sleep, but that was no longer a luxury in the new world.
The Walker gnashed its teeth at you as you waited for it to catch up. When it was on you, you lazily shoved its arms off of you. The smell of rot made your eyes water as it tried to bite you. Its crumbling fingers tangled in your jacket as you raised your arm and plunged the blade into its eye socket. The creatures dropped to the ground with a heavy thud that finally got the attention of your group.
“(Y/N)?” Carl called. You waved off the concern in his voice and sheathed your blade, turning away from the corpse. You caught up with the others, trying to keep both of your eyes open. As you walked alongside Tara, you felt a hand on your arm. Looking to your left, you saw Beth looking at you with a furrowed brow.
As she walks by
What a sight for sore eyes
Brighter than a blue sky
She's got you mesmerized
While I die
“You okay?” she asked. Daryl was right next to her, his hand in hers as always.
“Yeah, Beth,” you assured her. “I’m just tired.” She nodded in understanding. Everyone was tired, everyone was hungry, and nobody knew what was going to happen next. Beth looked like she wanted to say something else, but you just gave her a small smile and went to catch up with Rick who was walking with his children, Judith tucked under his chin, and Carl dragging his feet next to his dad. “Need a break?” you asked, gesturing to the little one.
“I got her,” Rick said, “but thanks.” You nodded and continued to walk alongside your leader in silence. Rick was watching you out of the corner of his eye, easily reading your body language. Whether you were aware or not, he could see what Daryl couldn’t and that was the fact that every second you watched him with Beth felt like a dagger to your heart.
“We should find a spot to stop for the night,” you suggested, your eyes scanning the road ahead.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Rick said with a sigh and then glanced over his shoulder. “Daryl,” he called and the archer let go of Beth for a moment to jog up to Rick’s side. “Why don’t you and (Y/N) go scout ahead in the woods, see if you can find a place to set up camp for the night.” Daryl was hesitant at first, but then nodded.
“Alright,” he said and then looked back at Beth, “I’ll be right back,” he called and she nodded with a small smile. He then turned back to you, gripping his bow tighter, “come on.”
------
You followed after Daryl in silence. Since knowing the hunter, you learned how to move with him through the woods. On the farm, Daryl had taken you under his wing and taught you how to walk without making a sound and how to spot things that were out of the ordinary. You were the only person he trusted to go sneaking through the woods with and that meant a lot to you.
The two of you walked for a little while longer before he slowed down and began walking beside you, instead of in front. “You’ve been quiet girl,” he observed. You just shrugged, not really wanting to get into it right now. “(Y/N),” Daryl said, knocking your shoulder with his.
“I’m just sick of wandering,” you explained. “At least the last few times we have been on the road, we had a vague idea of where we were going or at least trying to go.”
“I know ya didn’t like being back in the city,” he said quietly. You shrugged again.
“Not like I was going to stay behind,” you told him. “Beth and Carol needed us.” Daryl nodded.
“Thanks for helpin’ to get them back,” he said, looking over at you, and you nearly melted under his gaze.
“What else is family for, right?” Daryl gave you a small smile and then nodded.
You continued on through the woods until you found a small enough clearing that would work well for the night. You volunteered to stay behind and start getting the camp ready while Daryl ran back to bring the others. You needed to be alone with your thoughts.
As soon as Daryl disappeared back through the trees, you began gathering firewood. The whole time, you watched for Walkers, but the Dead stayed away for the moment. You tried to focus on your task, but every time you had a second, you thought of him. Your hands went into your hair and tugged as if you could pull the thoughts out by force.
You didn’t want to feel like this.
You had experienced unrequited love before, but never to this extent. Daryl Dixon had consumed you and no amount of “moving on” was going to fix it.
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty…
The others arrived quickly and you all worked together to get the camp set up for the night. Rick, Abraham, and Michonne set up Walker traps while Carol and Glenn fixed something for dinner from what Daryl was able to catch in the nearby trees.
Once everyone had eaten, you had stepped away and placed yourself on a boulder, watching over the group, a rifle in your lap. Your eyes couldn’t stop wandering to Beth and Daryl as they sank into their own bubble.
She was never far from his side by the fire. Since Grady, she had slept by his side, walked in his shadow, and they even took watch together when they had the chance. You also knew that while Beth and Daryl may have been oblivious of their newfound relationship, everyone else in the group had noticed.
Daryl joked around with Beth, carried her on his back when she was tired, and he had even begun training her with his bow, something you had always wanted to do. Jealously rushed through you at the sight of his hands on her shoulders and under her arm, helping her balance the weapon.
Any time she would make a perfect shot at a nearby tree, he would smile at her with pride in his eyes. Those eyes never left her if they could help it and you didn’t blame him because you were the same way when it came to him. He cared about her and while it may have been a different way than how you felt about him, it didn’t feel much better.
You gave her your sweater
It's just polyester
Watching as Daryl wrapped his leather jacket around Beth’s shoulder, you gripped the barrel of your gun tighter. A movement to your left had you turning to see Maggie approaching you. She hopped up on the boulder and gave you a small smile.
“Are you okay?” she asked and you knew what she was referring too. Maggie Greene or rather, Rhee, was as observant as they came.
“I’m good,” you told her, turning your attention to the wall of trees that was before you.
“I know how you feel about him,” Maggie whispered and you closed your eyes at her words. She reached over and took your hand. “I saw it the first night on the farm, the way you look at him. I even thought that the two of you were together before Andrea mentioned that you weren’t.” You sighed.
“Maggie…” you began as you looked at her, your eyes begging for her to drop the subject.
“I could talk to Beth,” she offered, but you were already shaking your head.
“No, no, please,” you said, glancing over at the two survivors cuddled up by the fire. “He and her...that’s fate. You know Daryl, he’s not the romantic type, but Beth is the closest thing to a soulmate he’s got. Platonic and all. Besides, look at her. She’s an Angel.”
But you like her better
I wish I were Heather
------
Later that night, Glenn had joined you on watch.
You knew that you should get some sleep, but too many thoughts ran through your mind and you couldn’t quiet them down enough to sleep. Glenn didn’t say anything, but he knew. You knew that Maggie had told him, but you also knew that he wouldn’t offer his opinion, at least not when anyone could hear him. Still, he slung an arm around your shoulder and you leaned into him, feeling the warm embrace of your friend.
Eventually, you had to get up. After Glenn had gone to sleep next to his wife, Rosita tagged you out for watch and you slid off the boulder, stretching your arms above your head. As you walked back to the rest of the group, you ran into Daryl.
“Ya alright?” he asked, concern furrowing his brow.
“How many more times are you gonna ask me that?” you asked, crossing your arms. “I’m the same since the last time you asked.”
“Nah,” he said, shaking his head. “Something has been off with you since Grady, maybe even before that.” All you wanted to do was scream at him. You wanted to grab him by that damn vest of his, tell him you loved him, and kiss him until the sun came up and that fantasy alone was enough to make you turn away from him.
“I’m tired of losing people, Daryl,” you admitted and you didn’t think he caught your double meaning, but it was the truth. You had lost him even though he was never yours, to begin with.
“I get that,” he said, “but you never know who you’ll find, ya know?” he said glancing over at Beth who lay curled up near her sister and brother-in-law. You followed his gaze and then your eyes landed on Rick who was looking at you with sadness in his eyes. You looked away quickly, trying not to let the tears back in. “What is it?” Daryl asked, noting your shift in demeanor.
“Nothin’, I’m gonna do a perimeter check,” you informed him.
“Alone?”
“Yeah, alone,” you said before turning and walking away, fighting the tears with every step.
Wish I were Heather
(Oh, oh)
Wish I were Heather
--------
It didn’t take long for you to crumble.
Falling to your knees, you rested on the forest floor, your back against a tree as you cried. You knew you needed to be quiet, but you couldn’t stop the tears that choked you. He would never look at you the way he looked at her and you had to accept that, but it didn’t mean that it still didn’t hurt like hell. You pressed your face into your arms as you cried, trying to muffle the sound.
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater
It's just polyester
When your sobs had calmed, you stared out into the darkness with bleary and red eyes. A flashlight beam caught your eye as Rick approached you, his boots crunching the dead leaves that scattered the ground. He didn’t say anything as he joined you on the ground.
“I didn’t mean to walk off,” you explained, but he waved you off. It was another moment of silence before he finally spoke.
“I know that look,” Rick said. “The others, they may not see it, but I do. I know what it looks like to want someone you can’t have,” he said. You kept your gaze forward as he spoke. “Shane had the same look when it came to Lori. Hell, he loved her and I knew it and so did she. So, I know (Y/N).”
Nodding, you wiped at the tears on your chin and took a deep breath. “I want to hate her,” you whispered.
“But you can’t,” he said and you shook your head.
“I could never,” you admitted. “Not her. She’s not even doing anything.” The tears came again and this time Rick pulled you against him and you sobbed into his chest.
“It’s okay,” he soothed, rubbing his hand down your back. “It’s okay.”
A part of you believed him. It was going to be okay. The end of the world had happened, but it didn’t mean that you had lost everything. Daryl had found his person and while you would always love him, there was a point in time when you just had to let go.
And so, you did.
But you like her better
Wish I were...
TAGS: @thanossexual @yes-sir-hotchner@felicisimor @amaroho
#daryl dixon x beth greene#daryl dixon#daryl dixon imagine#beth lives#reader insert#unrequited romance#twd imagine#Heather#song fic#twd#the walking dead#the walking dead fanfiction#the walking dead imagine#walkerwords
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First Time - Anon Request (Spencer x Reader)
SUMMARY: “hey babe can u do a fic where it’s spencer’s first time having sex and the reader is rlly experienced so he’s worried he won’t make her feel good and is also just generally nervous but reader helps him through and they both have a great time?”
WORD COUNT: 1.9k
WARNINGS: Smut
NOTE:
***Feedback is always welcome for future improvement!
***Thank you for your request anon and being so patient, hope you enjoy! ;)
——-
Clothes are all of a sudden being pulled off one another – not slow and gentle like Spencer had always thought, but rushed and chaotic, his shirt flying halfway across the room with his pants quickly following. Spencer’s nervous hands were indecisive as to where to touch next, wondering if he should undress Y/N or if she would do it herself. She can sense Spencer’s reluctance, a small smile forming on her face.
“You can touch me, Spencer… it’s okay.” Y/N reassures, scooting herself closer to Spencer, pulling his hands up to the sleeves of her top for him to pull off. As Spencer’s hands rest on either side of Y/N’s shoulders, he doesn’t proceed. Taking a closer look at his face, Y/N can sense there’s something wrong with Spencer.
“Hey… Spence, if you don’t want to do this we can stop. Seriously, I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
Spencer’s face reddens with embarrassment, avoiding eye contact with Y/N as he sits back and sighs deeply.
“It’s just… I’ve never d-done this before, and I k-know you have. What… what if I don’t, you know… make you f-feel good?” Spencer asks shyly, stumbling over his words in nervousness. Y/N’s face softens, gently placing her hands on Spencer’s cheeks, running her thumbs smoothly across his warm cheeks.
“Spencer, just because this is your first time doesn’t mean this won’t be good. In fact, I know it’s going to be great… you want to know why? Because it’s with you…” Y/N admits to Spencer, kissing his neck lightly. It’s a cheesy thing to say, but it was the absolute truth. Although Y/N and Spencer weren’t a couple, she wanted to make sure he still had a memorable experience.
Spencer gave Y/N a nervous yet encouraging smile, feeling comfort in her words.
Spencer began slowly lifting Y/N’s top, her giggling when it gets stuck around her head from Spencer’s shaking and fumbling hands. As Y/N’s top is finally peeled off, she runs her right hand down Spencer’s covered chest, taking in the moment. She realises how awkward and nervous Spencer feels, but the amount of adoration she’s feeling right now that Spencer is allowing her to become this intimate with him overpowers her with emotion.
Y/N’s hands fumble with the bottom of Spencer’s shirt, signalling for him to help her take it off. Once again, Spencer’s hands are shaking with nerves, but he’s eager to continue.
“Y-you’re so beautiful Y/N…” Spencer blushes, looking down into his lap.
Y/N responds by leaving a heavy kiss on Spencer, which forces him to let out an accidental quiet moan. She smiles into the kiss, now planting hot, open-mouthed kisses along his neck, leaning into him ever so slightly. This causes Spencer’s back to slowly fall back onto the bed.
Y/N climbs on top of Spencer, her legs straddling his waist. Her eyes rake over his lower stomach, staring at his crotch that’s met with hers.
“Can I touch you?” Y/N was the one to ask this time.
“Yes…” Spencer answers.
Y/N slowly begins to unzip Spencer’s pants, now kneeling at his side and waits for him to remove his pants and then his underwear. Y/N can tell Spencer feels very out of place, completely naked and vulnerable. Spencer begins to feel featherlight kisses placed on his inner thighs, sighing at the new sensation he’s never felt before. Making her way up to his cock, Y/N places a small kiss on the head, making Spencer gasp. Looking into Spencer’s eyes, she slowly uses her tongue to lick down the side of his now hard cock before enveloping her entire mouth over him, earning a satisfied groan from him.
“S-shit Y-Y/N… oh,” Spencer moans, both of his hands now roughly gripping the sheets beneath him, his mind going into overdrive.
Y/N continues to take Spencer into her mouth, excited that she’s able to make him feel this good… and by the looks of it, he’s having a pretty enjoyable time so far too. She could tell he was close by the way his eyes screwed shut and his breathing became more laboured.
“Cum for me Spence.” Y/N encourages, taking him quicker, using her hands on the parts of him she couldn’t suck. Spencer’s thigh muscles clench under her and he loudly groans, coming undone.
Catching his breath, Spencer is in pure heaven, feeling disbelief at what had just occurred. He looks to Y/N, finding her laying on the bed next to him looking into his eyes. He begins to run his hands down her thighs before Y/N stops his hands from creeping down any more.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to… if you’re too nervous then it’s f- “ She’s interrupted by Spencer boldly shutting her up with a heavy kiss.
“I want to.” He whispers.
Y/N spreads her legs outwards, watching Spencer’s face as he bites his lip, taking in her beauty. He leans down and presses soft kisses around her stomach, then her mid thighs. Once he reaches her core, he hesitates. As Y/N notices Spencer’s reluctance, she leans upwards onto her elbows.
“Spencer, if you don’t want to do this anymore, we can stop… it’s okay.” Y/N reassures.
Spencer shakes his head, clearing his throat. “No, no it’s not that. I want to. It’s just… I might need a little guidance…”
Y/N leans toward Spencer, kissing him deeply before laying back down on the bed. She reaches her arm out to find his hand, moving it towards her already wet core. Once both her and Spencer’s hand are placed on her, she lets out a deep sigh, moving in slow circles.
“Start like this, slow circles… up and down, side to side – whatever feels right.” Y/N whispers, removing her hand from Spencer’s to allow him to try.
Spencer drags the tip of his thumb through Y/N’s folds, making her quietly moan.
“You can use your fingers now, start slow and gradually go faster.” Y/N instructs, biting her lip and squeezing her eyes shut, already deep in pleasure.
Spencer gathers some of Y/N’s arousal and uses it to enter two fingers into her core, slowly thrusting in and out. He can feel Y/N squirming against him, which only encourages him to thrust his fingers faster, adding to Y/N’s pleasured state.
“You like that?” Spencer whispers, getting turned on just watching Y/N react to his touch.
“F-fuck yes!” Y/N squeals, grabbing her own nipples and tugging. Out of nowhere, she then feels Spencer’s wet tongue lick a stripe up her core much to her surprise, resulting in deeper groans escaping her open mouth.
As Y/N is continuously thrashing on the bed, Spencer applies more pressure with his tongue, flicking up and down and in circles, looking up at Y/N. He wraps his arms under her thighs and firmly presses his hands down on her lower stomach, keeping her in place.
“S-Spencer! I’m gonna – fuck!” Y/N screams, her chest rising up and down at a rapid pace while her legs tremble and twitch. Spencer gives her one soft kiss on her inner thigh before moving up the bed next to her.
“How was that?” Spencer asks, smiling at the aftermath of Y/N. Her breathing still laboured and a lazy smile possesses her face, quite clearly still coming down from her high. Spencer felt a small sense of pride at the fact that he had obviously done quite the number on Y/N.
In response to Spencer’s question, Y/N shakily moves her body so she is now straddling Spencer, his cock eagerly getting hard at the feeling of their naked skin touching. Y/N runs her hands through Spencer’s hair while his remain at Y/N hips, pressing firmly into her skin. They kiss heavily and rock their hips to meet the others, both groaning at the sensation.
“Are you ready?” Y/N asks, looking into Spencer’s eyes for confirmation.
“Yes.” Spencer confirms, planting another kiss on Y/N’s lips, which she happily accepts.
Reaching into the bedside table, Y/N retrieves a condom and leans back to Spencer. To avoid the awkwardness, Y/N decides to take charge and put the condom on Spencer, before she lines his cock with her entrance, sinking down on him. They both gasp in pleasure, Spencer going into overdrive at the new feeling. Y/N begins rocking her hips up slowly, allowing Spencer to become accustomed to the sensations before gradually rocking faster.
So Y/N isn’t the only one putting in the effort, Spencer thrusts his hips up, meeting hers, causing them both to throw their head back.
Spencer grunts, nestling his face into Y/N’s neck and biting her shoulder, increasing the pleasure for her as she hisses.
“Shit yes! Please, harder Spencer,” Y/N whines, scratching her nails up and down Spencer’s chest. Spencer begins thrusting even harder and faster to meet Y/N’s hips. He grabs Y/N’s face and leans his forehead against hers, receiving pleasure just by watching her react to the way his hips lift up to meet hers.
Although Y/N isn’t necessarily looking for a romantic connection within Spencer, despite the intimate act, she feels safe and comforted in Spencer’s arms and she hopes he feels the same way. Whilst looking into Y/N’s eyes, Spencer can feel his release coming shortly.
“I’m c-close Y/N…. o-oh shit you f-feel so good.” Spencer moans, his thrusts becoming sloppier.
“Me too Spence… fuck! Cum for me baby.” Y/N encourages, running kisses down his neck, sucking lightly on his warm skin. She’s careful not to leave marks, although she wants to, she figured that his work colleagues wouldn’t appreciate them as much as she would.
“Oh my god Y/N! Oh fuck.” Spencer releases himself inside her, feeling exhausted yet determined to make Y/N finish too. As Y/N is now focused on her own pleasure, creating her own pace and rhythm with Spencer’s cock, she bounces up and down on Spencer much harder and faster.
Although Spencer has never done this before, he can feel Y/N clenching herself firmly on his cock, indicating that she’s close to orgasm. Without any hesitation, Spencer uses his left hand to harshly circle his fingers on Y/N’s clit while his right hand remains on her hip, holding her down.
“Don’t stop Spencer, fuck yes! I’m gonna cum – ohh” Y/N yells, throwing her head back as she reaches her climax, sighing in utter content. As Y/N comes down from her high, she remains seated on Spencer’s lap, his cock still enveloped in her pussy. They both take in the moment, completely still.
The next ten or so minutes is filled with silence. Not an awkward silence – just peaceful. Spencer has his arm wrapped around Y/N’s shoulder’s and hers rest on his chest, legs tangled beneath the sheets. Spencer knows that typically after sex the aftercare can be just as important. But, he also sensed that Y/N wasn’t the type of woman who needed to be held or cared for. Spencer thought perhaps she’s doing it because she feels sorry for him.
“You don’t need to stay like this… if you don’t want to. You can leave whenever you want.” Spencer says.
Y/N looks up to Spencer. “Why? Do you want me to leave? I can go if-“
“No, No! I just thought that… you know… you don’t haveto stay around just because of what we did – “ Spencer was rambling.
“Hey, hey Spence – yes, technically it was just sex, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about what happens after. I had a great time – I’m still having a great time… and I hope you are too.” Y/N places a long kiss on Spencer’s lips to his surprise.
Their bodies remain wrapped together, eventually drifting off into a peaceful sleep, both hoping that the next morning there would be no awkwardness - but rather, thinking of it as a friend helping out another friend.
Tags: @emmalvei-blog
#criminal minds#dr spencer reid#dr spencer reid fics#dr spencer reid fic#dr spencer reid smut#criminal minds fic#criminal minds fics#criminal minds smut#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid y/n#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid fics#spencer reid fic#spencer reid gif#spencer reid gifs#spencer reid fanfiction smut#anon#anonymous#anon request#anonymous request#spencer reid smut
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Mahiru Koizumi x Blackend!Reader
I NO LONGER HAVE ACCESS TO THE ORIGINAL ASK!
anon asked:
Omg I just read the Fuyuhiko angst and it was amazing 🥺💖 Anyways I was wondering if I could have the same sort of plot with Mahiru if it’s not too much trouble? I love your blog💖💞💖
Definitely don’t listen to as the world caves in by matt maltese as you think about Mahiru watching your execution. I’m kidding, do it. Interalize it. -Mod Akane
Holy shit.
Holy.. fucking.. Shit.
You’d done it.
You’d killed Peko Pekoyama.
You watched her eyes, she was there, at your feet, dying, looking up at you. So many emotions warped her red eyes. She rasped, as if she wanted to say something, but then.. Her eyes.. The light faded, near a gray dull color as she expired in front of you, moonlight shining down and giving her body a light glow, the most light it would ever give off again.
You never thought you’d kill someone. Let alone the Ultimate Swordswoman. But still, looking down at her now, lifeless...bloody… a knife still in your hand….
The world around you collapsed, as you started to realize...
oh dear god, what had you done?
---
As everyone shuffled into the courtroom once again, Mahiru warily looked around, eyeing down anyone suspicious as she put her hand in (Y/N)’s, approaching her podium cautiously as (Y/N) joined right next to her.
“So.. where shall we start..?” Sonia trails off as everyone settles.
“I’m not sure, but whoever did this..” Mahiru starts, “it’d be better to just fess up.” She feels (Y/N)’s grip tighten, for only a second.
“W-Well, for now it might be easier to start with Mikan’s autopsy results?” Hajime suggests.
“A-Ah, y-yes..!” Mikan starts. “W-Well, it’s obvious, her c-cause of death w-would be the gash o-on her neck.. T-There’s signs of a struggle with her clothes and scratches on her t-torso, b-but that’s a-about it..” She plays with her thumbs, looking down and away from the rest of the trial.
“Man, to think someone got the jump on Peko..” Akane says, scratching the back of her head. “It’s hard to believe, you know?”
“Maybe someone close to her betrayed her?” Sonia suggests. “It is the only thing I can think of, for such a skilled fighter..”
“Hey.. Fuyuhiko.. You alright..?” Kazuichi asks, turning the room’s attention to Fuyuhiko, who was breathing heavy and gripping his podium, staring down at the floor.
“I-I’m fine. Just get o-on with the stupid trial..” He mutters, briefly glancing up at everyone else in the room. (Y/N)’s grip tightened once again, and Maihru glances at her. Eyes widened and almost like she was shaking..
“..You okay?” Maihru asks quietly, worried more about her lover than everyone else as the trial moved on.
“Y-Yeah. I-I’m fine.” (Y/N) turns to Mahiru and smiles weakly, before turning back to Hajime, who was rambling something about finding the murder weapon.
As a photographer, Mahiru knew smiles in and out. Better yet, she’d known your smile like she knew photography. She’d fallen in love with it. Which is why it concerned her, realizing that your smile was forced, and most likely fake…
Had you been hiding something from her?
“Well, obviously, the weapon was a knife. We’d seen it at the scene, correct?” Nagito asks, a blatant rhetorical question. It was only the second trial, but it was pretty clear that this is how he would be acting during every trial.
“Well, duh! We saw that much, genius.” Akane rolls her eyes. “That doesn’t help any.”
“Maybe it could help..?” Sonia suggests. “Does anyone know where the knife came from?”
“U-Um.. judging by the size of it.. And the d-design i-itself.. I-I’d assume it’s a k-kitchen knife..” Mikan comments, shaking like a leaf.
“Well, the only people who go into the hotel kitchen are.. Mahiru and (Y/N).” Kazuichi points out. Mahiru drops (Y/N)’s hand in shock.
“Me? You’re going to accuse us?” Mahiru asks. “Why would- would either of us have any reason to kill Peko? That’s ridiculous!” She waves her hands around dramatically, akin to a mother lecturing her children.
“We haven’t accused either of you yet..” Hajime comments.
“Still, the notion is ridiculous!” Mahiru argues.
“I-I did it.” (Y/N) states, shaky yet a calm demeanor plastered over her face.
“W-What..?” Mahiru turned quickly, looking at (Y/N) with fear. “I-If you’re joking, this i-isn’t funny…”
“I..I killed Peko.” (Y/N) takes a heavy breath, eyes brimming with tears. “I- I didn’t.. I don’t want you guys to argue a-and potentially get hurt c-cause of me..”
“T-This isn’t funny, (Y/N)!” Mahiru places a hand on her shoulder, as she begins to cry. “S-Stop trying to joke around!”
“I-I wish I was..”
“Y-You..” Fuyuhiko begins.. “Y-You bastard!” He takes a heavy breath, finally standing up straight before beginning to scream at the girl. The girl Mahiru loved- the girl- who killed their friend- oh God..
“L-Leave her alone!”
“Like fucking hell I will! She fucking- she- sh-she killed Peko! Whatever fucking punishment she gets, she can take it!” Fuyuhiko argues, refusing to even look at (Y/N).
“Take that back!” Mahiru reprimands him. “I don’t care, she didn’t kill Peko!”
“Mahiru..” (Y/N) sets a hand on her arm, even though she was still wincing from Fuyuhiko’s verbal assault.
“I’m not gonna believe it! Not until there’s cold, hard evidence!”
“You can deny it all you fucking want, she’s a FILTHFY FUCKING KILLER!” Fuyuhiko screams. “I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WON’T BELIEVE!”
“Guys, please stop argu-” Chiaki tries to intervene.
“Stay out of this, Chiaki.” Mahiru stops her, without even looking at her.
“Mahiru!” (Y/N) snaps for her attention, and finally Mahiru- along with everyone else- finally turns and looks at (Y/N). She rolls up her sleeve, to reveal a gash across her arm, still slightly dripping with blood. “This is proof. When P-Peko fought back..”
“N-No..” Mahiru covers her mouth, going as far as biting her hand to hold in her sobs. This isn’t happening. This was a dream, she’d wake up any second, or maybe Hajime would prove (Y/N) wrong..
“See?! There’s your fucking evidence!” Fuyuhiko yells. “Let’s just start fucking voting already!”
“Weeell, if you insist!” Monokuma cheerily intervenes.
“NO!” Mahiru starts screaming as she turns to her classmates, already pulling their levers. “PLEASE! She’s not- she’s not guilty! Please! You- You’ve gotta believe me!”
“Stop, Mahiru..” (Y/N) sets a hand on her shoulder, even as Mahiru votes for herself instead of (Y/N). She turns, tears streaming down her beloved’s face..dear God, this was a nightmare. The world began to cave in around Mahiru as it was confirmed, (Y/N) was guilty.
“W-Why? WHY’D YOU FUCKING KILL PEKO?” Fuyuhiko slams his hands against his podium, daggers in his eyes as he stares down (Y/N) with daggers in his eyes.
“I WAS PROTECTING MAHIRU!” (Y/N) screams. “I-I played that stupid game Monokuma set up! A-And- I saw what happened! And I heard you talking to Peko, Fuyuhiko!”
Fuyuhiko’s taken aback. “What?”
“Sh-She was your friend! Your bodyguard! And Mahiru- Mahiru just wanted to talk to everyone and- and fix everything! That’s why sh-she even wanted to invite Hiyoko, and Mikan, and I-Ibuki!” (Y/N) argues, wiping tears from her eyes.
Mikan looks between them, overwhelmed. “O-Oh, dear, l-l-let me t-take care of your arm-!”
“Don’t you fucking dare, Mikan!” Fuyuhiko interjects, earning a startled shriek from Mikan.
“Please, fix her arm, Mikan!” Mahiru adds, only overwhelming the poor girl.
“What am I missing here?!” Akane interjects. “What the hell happened?”
“That- that game! I-It was about- our school life- our memories. and Mahiru just wanted to talk to everyone involved- b-but Fuyuhiko and Peko were planning to kill her! Because F-Fuyuhiko’s sister-”
“Don’t you fucking DARE-” Fuyuhiko starts to yell, before taking a deep breath- “talk about my fucking sister.”
“Heey, hey, hey hey!” Monokuma interjects. “The vote’s over, y’know! (Y/N). Is. Guilty!”
“N-No! M-Monkuma, d-don’t-” Mahiru begins pleading, and some part of her is praying to every god she’d ever known, please, don’t take away (Y/N), don’t take her away..
“Don’t whaaaat? You know the rules, sweetheart! (Y/N)’s the blackened! And I’ve prepared a veerry special punishment for her!”
“Wait, I’m still confused..” Sonia stops Monokuma. “Let them explain..”
“Heey, I’m sure Mahiru and Fuyuhiko can do all the talking! Come on, stop delaying me!” Monokuma complains as Mahiru pulls (Y/N) into a hug, holding her close.
“D-Don’t leave me, p-please..” Mahiru starts sobbing, hiccups to boot. “P-Please, (Y/N)! Tell me you didn’t kill her!”
“I-I’m sorry, Mahiru..” (Y/N) wipes Mahiru’s tears as the hug ends, and Mahiru leans into the touch. “B-But it’s like y-you said at the s-start of the trial, right..? T-The killer d-deserves to be punished..” (Y/N) forced another smile.
The realization slams into Mahiru as she realizes what she’s said, and what she’s done. “Oh, god, n-no..” Mahiru can’t even protest as she starts to cry even more, maybe the last time she’d ever see (Y/N) alive begins to blur with tears.
“Come on! Iiiiit’s PUNISHMENT TIME!” Monokuma shouts with glee as (Y/N) walks away, out of her grasp. “I’ve got an extra special punishment for our Ultimate (talent)!”
Mahiru can’t even speak as she watches the execution. Her entire world, maybe even the Earth around her itself, began to cave in on her. It all became blurry, through her tears and her screams of protests.. All she really knew anymore was you were dead by the end of it all. No one said a word, not even after the execution was over, the room was near silent aside from Mahiru, on her knees crying and screaming for (Y/N) to come back, her entire personality itself shattered.
No one said a word on the way back to their cottages. The killing game would continue, if you were there or not...
#mahiru koizumi#mahiru koizumi x reader#danganronpa#danganronpa 2#angst#blackened reader#fuyuhiko kuzuryuu#mikan tsumiki#akane owari#nagito komeada#mod akane#oneshot
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Reaching - Peter Parker
hey y’all! before i put the summary or anything i just want to let you guys know that there is a major trigger warning for this fanfiction. it was super hard for me to write, but i think this could be comforting to a lot of people who are struggling especially at a time like this. it’s a self-harm trigger warning, so please do not read this fanfiction if this is going to upset or trigger you. i hope all of you are staying safe during this quarantine and my inbox is always open if you need to talk about anything at all. i love you all, take care of yourselves <3
Request: hi hi! could you possibly write something where reader self-harms and peter finds out? like she fell asleep on his couch n her sleeve rolled up, n he comforts her n promises not to leave her? if this makes you uncomfy and it’s not healthy for you to write i totally understand!! ik this is a pretty heavy subject 😅 i’ve just been not doing good lately n i need petey boy to comfort me n hold me :)) thank u so much love xx
of course i can, and although it’s very hard for me to write i think i’ll be okay. if you need to talk, never hesitate to message me.
Summary: explained above!
Warnings: fluff, trigger warning, mentions of self-harm, descriptions of cuts and trauma, very sad, angst
Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader
“Hey baby, sorry I’m-” Peter walked into his apartment, immediately taking his mask off as he swung in through the window. He’d been on a nightly patrol and completely forgot about your coming over, but he texted you - and you being the amazing partner you were, understood completely. When it got later and later you started to get worried, but tried to keep yourself occupied with whatever was on the TV. Now, you were sleeping soundly on his couch with the occasional flash of the TV illuminating your face.
He smiled, pressing the spider button in the middle of his suit, causing it to fall to the floor. He picked it up and walked back into his bedroom, picking up a t-shirt to throw over his head, shaking his hair out of it’s pressed-down form. Wanting to let you sleep, he washed his face in the bathroom and washed some of the dirt and grime off his body.
You stirred when he came back into the room, but didn’t wake up, being too tired to even sense him there. He noticed you were wearing one of his sweatshirts, always wondering why as it was summer, and clearly you were hot inside and outside. Nevertheless, he respected your choices when you said you didn’t want to talk about it.
He reached over the couch to find one of the blankets hanging on the back, making a quick move to drape it over you. It was a light blanket, and he figured it would be nice to have something to cuddle with if you were sleeping alone. He noticed one of your hands exposed and in a strange position, and he always liked to come home and kiss your hand whenever you came over. Smiling, he reached for your hand and brung it up to his lips, and the loose sweatshirt on your body caused the sleeve to fall down. He began to chuckle, until he turned your wrist around to start kissing the other side.
It wasn’t super clear in the light, but as his lips touched your skin, he noticed something bumpy and uneven about the texturing of the anatomy, so he pulled back to take a closer look. He gasped when he saw them, lines running down the skin of your wrist, some spread out and some closer together. He wasn’t sure how to react, his tears filled with eyes at the overwhelming amount of emotion plaguing his mind. The anger, the confusion, the sadness, it all meshed together in one big ball.
His gasp startled you awake, and once you got your bearings you squealed and pulled your wrist back, eager to cover what damage had already been done. But he saw them, and he definitely knew what was happening, and by the look on his face, he wasn’t sure how to react. He looked broken, like he was spinning out of control, but overall he just looked sad. Sad that you didn’t feel safe enough to talk to him, sad that he couldn’t see what was going on earlier rather than letting the signs slip right past him. He began to blame himself.
“Peter I-” You started, beginning to draw back on the couch, no longer feeling safe, feeling trapped and pressured even though he hadn’t said anything. “I don’t...” You didn’t know what the hell to say, you were going to tell him, you swore to yourself, but it never felt like the right time. And you definitely didn’t want him to find out like this.
Peter slowly turned his gaze towards you, tears glossing over his honey-brown eyes, his bottom lip quivering. He felt helpless, he knew nothing in the world would be enough. Or so he thought.
“(Y/n)...” His voice cracked, tears making their way through, “why didn’t you tell me?” That probably wasn’t the best place to start from, but his mind was practically bursting with this new information, struggling on how to process.
You paused, physically and mentally restrained from answering for a few moments. “I didn’t... I didn’t know how.” Your voice was also cracking, unsure of how to respond to such a question and how you were going to respond to all the questions he probably had to ask. He nodded his head like he understood, but his eyes were still wide and his tears began to flow now.
“(Y/n).” He reached for your hands put you pulled them back, and just that simple movement caused his little heart to break into a thousand bits. “I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell me.” He looked down at his hands, which flopped helplessly in his lap. “I’m sorry I didn’t see the signs, I’m sorry I didn’t see enough to understand what was going on.” He shook his head, running his hand through his hair and feeling lost, utterly lost. “I should’ve been there, I should’ve seen and I’m sorry I didn’t, I’m so sorry.”
“Peter, it’s not your fault.” You decided to get off the couch and kneel with him to be at his level, and now he felt bad for making this about him.
His hesitant hands reached out for you, and though you pulled them back a bit at first, you reluctantly obliged. Carefully, he ran his fingers up the sleeve of your shirt and out of habit, when he pulled your sweatshirt up you flinched and pulled back, “it’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you.” He reassured, even though you didn’t need to hear that to understand - he would never hurt you. He just wanted to find a way to make you feel better, he know he couldn’t heal you or take away your pain, he just wanted to be there.
He saw the lot of them. Some were whitened with age, others seemed new... fresher. His brain short circuited. He couldn’t understand how he could be so blind to the signs if there were any at all, he couldn’t see how someone that seemed so happy could be so... broken. Peter looked up at you, and you were quietly sobbing, unable to maintain eye contact with him, and he could tell. He pulled your sleeve back down, giving the arm a kiss over the sweatshirt and running his thumb over the marks as if to sooth them away.
“Hey, don’t be scared.” He attempted to keep his voice soft and steady, but inside he was breaking apart. “I’m not going to leave, I’m right here.” He let go of your arm, placing it gently back on the couch and shuffled over to your face - he placed his hands on your cheeks and ushered you to look at him. Your cheeks were sticky and you couldn’t stop the tears from forming in your eyes once you saw his. “I want to help you... but I... I don’t know how.” You could hear it in his voice, he was helpless, unprepared, and most of all scared - he could’ve lost you and he wouldn’t have seen it coming.
“Listen, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost you.” He took your hands in his, “please, I know it’s hard. But I’m here. If you need me, please just... talk to me. It’s not easy, but... I’m an asset. I can’t stand seeing you hurt especially when you do it to yourself. I love you, (Y/n). With all of my heart.” His voice broke, and he tightened his lips in a thin line, trying to hold it all together.
“I don’t care where you are, I don’t care what time it is, I don’t care what I’m doing, I’ll come to you. Day or night, rain or shine, I’ll be there. I know I can’t make you promise me you won’t do it again, it takes time to recover and... and you’re going to have relapses.” You sobbed, and once again he tried to keep everything inside, continuing to hold your face softly. “But I want to be there, I’m in this for the long haul, honey. I’ll never leave you, no matter what. I can promise you that.”
You didn’t know what to say, how to thank him, you were so overwhelmed with confirmation and happiness that you were completely tongue-tied. “That was a lot of information I just dumped I’m um,” he rubbed the back of his neck, letting out a chuckle akin to a sob, “I’m sorry.” You shook your head, bringing your hands up to his face as well and wiping away the tears that had fallen during his speech. You ran your fingers through his hair gently, and just smiled down at him, shaking your head.
“Thank you.” Was all you could say, and he could live with that for now. In the morning, he would do nothing but research to figure out ways to help you, he would stay by your side for as long as you needed him, and he would check in - something he forgot to do.
“What can I do for now?” He leaned into your touch, placing one of his hands over yours and rubbing it with his thumb. “Please, just... tell me what you need. Anything I just...” He was overwhelmed, so you just shushed him - both of you were exhausted, emotionally and physically.
“Can you just hold me for now?”
“Of course.” He nodded, wiping the rest of his tears off his face with his flannel sleeve and opening himself up to the blanket. He got behind you on the couch and pulled you into his arms, pressing your back against his chest and placing his head on your shoulder. Peter kissed the fabric of your sweatshirt gently, his hands still trembling and his heart still pounding.
“I love you, Peter. I can’t thank you enough. You’re too kind to me.” You articulated with a yawn, and he smiled down at your tired figure.
“Never.” He whispered, kissing behind your ear and nuzzling against you. “You don’t have to thank me... I love you.” You would start crying again if you had it in you, but instead you just tugged him closer to you, kissing one of the broken knuckles on his hand.
“And I love you.” You mumbled a somewhat coherent response back, already feeling yourself drift off into a slumber. Peter’s eyes were heavy from the tears, and his body felt weighted as he lied with you, unable to fall asleep with you on his mind but body begging for sleep. As he heard your soft snores, he slipped his hand in between yours and kissed your temple.
And he stayed awake to watch over you. Not because he didn’t trust you, or to watch you in a creepy way, just to make sure you wouldn’t leave and to make sure you were always comfortable, dreaming. And in the morning, the sleepless Peter Parker drifted out of your arms and into the kitchen. He prayed nothing major would happen in Queens, and prayed everything would work itself out in your favor.
Because you deserved the world.
-
sorry it took so long i had to take breaks :)
#peter parker#peter parker sad#peter parker x reader#peter parker fanfic#peter parker fanfiction#peter parker fluff#peter parker angst#tom holland#tom holland fanfiction#tom holland fanfic#tom holland fluff#tom holland angst#spiderman#spiderman x reader#spiderman fluff#spiderman angst#oneshot#fanfiction#marvel#marvel fluff#marvel angst#marvel fanfiction#trigger warning#mature
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The Joker x Reader - “Ghost” Part 2
Bane’s wife is a mystery to everyone, including her husband. Ghost also happens to be The Joker’s little obsession, not that she ever pays attention to him. Maybe that’s why The King of Gotham should stop messing around: when you push too much, you might get more than you bargained for.
The Joker and his girlfriend left about 15 minutes ago; Kara was in a bad shape and you offered to drive her car back tomorrow. You have no idea how she made it to your house after the events at the club. You could tell J was fuming and for once he seemed to care about what happened to his woman: maybe it was a little wakeup call The King of Gotham needed. Hard to tell when it comes to these matters due to his spectacular personality.
One thing’s for sure though: after his arrival Kara couldn’t stop crying and Ghost knew why. The Joker’s girlfriend merely escaped assault and him giving a damn about the ordeal made her overemotional: it was the first time he showed some real interest outside the bedroom; he held her hand all the way to the car and didn’t even mind a kiss before she got in.
“You’re awfully quiet,” your husband points out. “You’ve been staring out the windows at the empty parking lot since they left. Everything alright?”
“Yeah, yeah…I’m fine,” you turn only to see him signal for you.
Bane is not stupid; he can tell you’re distracted and he can guess the reason. As soon as you straddle his lap he rests his forehead on yours, choosing to dig a bit dipper without sugar coating his objective.
“Are you thinking about that day?”
You take such a strenuous breath there’s no need for a verbal confirmation.
“Wanna talk about it?”
You are aware of the meaning: your spouse is not asking for details, he’s just bringing it up in case you want to share your feelings regarding Kara’s unfortunate experience.
You caress his bald head and sigh, prepared to describe the facts.
Bane never mentioned anything about the first time you’ve met simply because he always assumed he understood what he saw five years ago. The truth is he didn’t.
“When…when you found me…” you gulp and he distinguishes the struggle.
“Hey,” your husband whispers. “That’s not why I brought it up. You don’t have to re-live the past; I was trying to hint that if you want to discuss…”
He twists a strand of your white hair around his finger while you interrupt:
“When you found me behind the truck, that guy wasn’t trying to rape me; he was trying to kill me.”
Bane’s not wearing his mask and you can read the conflicting emotions written all over his face.
“Vee was my ex,” you continue and pause in order to gather your thoughts. “When I learned he was involved in human trafficking, I urged him to quit. The money was great and he refused so I planned to disappear and help some girls flee in the process. I was very careful yet he still perceived my intentions and when you bumped into us… he was trying to finish me so I won’t be any trouble for his boss and their line of business.”
“Shit…” HB mumbles, hating that his Ghost looks upset.
“I wasn’t defending myself from a rapist, I was fighting for my life. What do you think about that, hm?” you throw the question at him and his reply doesn’t fail:
“That whatever- his-name-was-your-ex had it coming. You can’t kill a Goddess! A man is lucky enough to encounter one and if he fucks up, then he signs up for the bitter consequences.”
A few moments of complete silence, then Bane hears his favorite words:
“I love you,” Y/N pecks the thin scars across his nose and decides to turn the gloomy night into a more accommodating situation. “We were having lots of fun when the unexpected guest barged in; we should stick to the original schedule and reprise our activity.”
“Agree,” Bane squeezes you in his strong arms tighter. “A tiny Ghost might be already in here,” he softly rubs your tummy.
“Or a handsome little brute,” you giggle and he has to underline:
“However, it doesn’t hurt to keep practicing.”
“U-hum,” you wink and he likes the smile forming on your lips, infinitely better than having his wife distressed about an incident that almost ended her existence.
*************
5 Years Ago
Bane was done loading the supplies he wanted in his truck, lingering at the spot chosen for that evening’s transaction. It was consistently a random place where everyone that wanted to buy or sell could get together and exchange merchandise; under the radar of course, since the negotiations were less than legal and the individuals present could have easily be enlisted on FBI’s most wanted list.
A lot of turmoil and movement at the campsite, but he still detected a woman’s scream; he carefully listened when it happened again. Bane circled his truck and walked between the vehicles stationed there until his heavy steps abruptly halted: there was a lady trying to get from under a limp body collapsed on top of hers, still holding the rock she used in order to defend herself.
You crawled from under Vee and froze when you noticed Bane glaring at you. Y/N recognized the masked man: he was starting to gain a certain reputation, not that it was his purpose; he only stuck to his agenda and didn’t give a damn about anything else.
Your future spouse believed that one of the imbeciles tried to sample the merchandise and got more than he could chew; he also knew they didn’t like the girls to rebel and the price paid if they did.
That feral look in your eyes reminded him of the same fire that fueled his veins every time he attempted to get out of the accursed Pit; made him take a decision he never regretted: instead of alerting the others and score a nice bonus for cooperation, Bane gave you a choice.
“If you want to survive, come with me.”
You hesitated: was he toying with you before sounding the alarm?! The pile of muscles indifferently distanced from the scene and you got on your feet, stumbling from the aftermath of almost being assassinated by your former boyfriend. Vee was out cold and you dropped the rock by his feet, not bothering to check if he was dead.
You followed Bane to his truck and he gestured for you to hop in the back; it was difficult to fit in between the boxes yet you managed anyway. He covered everything with the tarp and advised while sealing the way out:
“Stay put!”
It was a nerve wracking couple of hours: Bane drove away immediately and you had no clue about what will occur next. Where was he taking you anyway?
**********
He pried the door and Y/N strolled inside when she realized he was keeping it opened for her. “This is a gated, private property; we’re right outside Gotham, north of Willow Creek. You should lay low: by know they must have identified the guy and they might be searching for the responsible party.”
He was thinking you were “one of the girls” and you didn’t correct him.
“I had no clue I’ll find myself in this mess,” you skeptically brought it up. “I should go to my apartment and pack suitcases.”
“Bad idea,” the distorted voice huffed. “You should disappear, it’s safer. Those are not the type of people you want to cross!”
You nervously played with the hem of your torn dress and Bane added:
“There are clean clothes in the bedroom; you can use one of my t-shirts. I’ll bring some items your size tomorrow.”
“You’re not staying?!” you inquired, perplexed.
“Nope, I’m busy. Give yourself a tour; I’m positive you can cope with my absence.”
He saw the doubt and muttered:
“You’re not a prisoner; you can leave. Close the gates if you do. If I were you, I would linger on the premises.”
That’s all he said and left a very confused Y/N in the middle of the living room. You wished to ask why he was aiding a total stranger, but you figured it was dumb to do so: Bane seemed like the type of man that didn’t do things unless he felt like it. Period.
You curiously inspected the house, marveled that it was neat and organized: four bedrooms and two bathrooms upstairs, the spacious living room, another bathroom and the kitchen downstairs. The dust settled on the counters indicated the hideout wasn’t used very often; the decorations were minimal, mostly functional, basic furniture.
You were grateful when you opened the fridge and found some food that was still eatable: the precooked kind but you weren’t picky at that point. After warming up a container in the microwave, Y/N took a sit at the table; with the crazy events that spiraled out of control she didn’t have time to reflect about her current predicament.
It hit as you were munching on your ravioli: how the hell did you end up there?! A sudden, unbearable sense of isolation washed all over you, the numbness that protected you from the initial shock gradually dissipating in thin air.
You had no plan. None whatsoever.
Was it better to go with the flow until you could outline a strategy aimed to get you out of the deep whole you accidentally sunk in? Maybe…
So you did.
**************
Next morning, Bane popped at the residence as promised; at 10:12 am he discovered a hyper Y/N tidying up the kitchen: after a sleepless night and six cups of coffee, she was pretty much invincible. You were wearing one of his military print t-shirts: it was big and he was somehow amused to see you swim in the garment.
“I brought you clothes, shoes and food,” Bane grumbled and arranged boxes on the chair closer to you. “I estimated on the size.”
“Thank you,” the sincerity in your voice proved you meant it. “Thank you for helping me.”
“U-hum,” he intensely gazed at you and maybe because you weren’t in your best shape you misinterpreted his demeanor: was your savior expecting some sort of reward? Since you didn’t have much to offer at that time, Bane probably wanted sex as compensation for his services. If he would have taken what he wanted by force, you reckoned it wouldn’t have been pleasant, not with a man his size; not putting up a fight could have made it at least bearable.
Your logic was way off though: as soon as you took your t-shirt off he came near, picked it from the floor and dressed you back himself.
“You don’t have to do that,” he emphasized and saw how embarrassed you were. “Do you know how to load guns?” Bane switched the dialogue without making it awkward.
“Not really…”
“I’ll show you; I have a project coming up and you can assist.”
“OK,” you were fast to accept as it was an easy way to repay him.
“Besides cracking someone’s skull with a rock, do you know how to defend yourself?” the interrogation continued.
”If I have to.”
“Comes in handy,” he muffled the words beyond the mask and promptly took it off so he can enjoy the coffee too.
It was the first time you saw Bane minus the breathing device; definitely not what you imagined: he was good-looking. HB had a few thin scars across his nose and a thicker one above the upper lip that added a certain flair to his wholesomeness.
He caught you staring and misjudged:
“What?” he growled, pouring hot liquid in a mug. “Is the view not up to your standards?”
Y/N has always been a direct person, that’s why she described exactly what was in her mind:
“I was actually thinking that you’re handsome.”
One of Bane’s eyebrows went high and he huffed at the candid remark:
“Hm… … I’ve been called worse.”
You bit on your cheek and waited for him to finish his coffee in silence, but he had more to say.
“You should change your appearance; it’s safer if they’re searching around for the runaway girl that dared retaliate.”
You nodded a yes, wondering how you could accomplish such task. He wasn’t wrong: it would have evidently aided if they were indeed hunting for you.
“I know somebody,” Bane insinuated the path of action. “I can bring Zorina here and she can work her magic; the woman’s a pro.”
“Sure,” you welcomed his proposal and instantly blurred out: “I have money stashed at my apartment; it’s a hefty sum, all cash. I’ll have to retrieve it then I will be able to reimburse you for everything you’re doing for me.”
He snorted, entertained at your passionate tirade:
“Reimbursed!” Bane repeated and slammed the cup on the counter, preparing to bail. “Don’t worry about that; they might have the condo under surveillance or maybe they already raided the rooms and took your money.”
“I hope not…” you frowned, swiftly tense at his warning.
“Wait for Zorina,” the suggestion alleviated your anxiety a bit. “I’ll text her and she can be here in one hour. I am going out of town in the morning; I will return on the 27th,” he grabbed his mask from the table. “If you have an emergency, call the number I uploaded as an emergency contact,” Bane handed you a brand new cell phone.
“Will you be the one answering?” Y/N asked.
“Yes,” he confirmed and noticed how relieved you seemed at his affirmation.
Bane came back after 10 days, on the 27th as scheduled. You were outside on the porch and he stopped in his tracks when you emerged from behind the wood pillars.
“How do I look like?” you presented the new Y/N to the stunned man instead of a conventional greeting: your hair was completely white, shaved on the left side and the fresh skull tattoo inked on the exposed skin completed the ensemble quite beautifully. The dark red eyeshadow and black leather suit scored extra points with your future husband.
Bane was a straightforward person and didn’t utter words unless he meant them, yet the unpredicted reply still made you smile:
“Like a Goddess.”
*************
For the next six months you helped with whatever was necessary: it kept you busy and while you understood everything was a test, you were able to form your own opinions too.
Bane wasn’t a mindless brute: he was intelligent, outspoken and articulate; the crew didn’t question his decisions not necessarily due to his physical appearance that indicated he could level anyone to the ground with one punch, but because they respected him.
You blindly plunged into an unfamiliar environment: in the great scheme of things, your ex Vee has invariably been a pawn struggling to find his way up to the top. Weren’t you the same now? Another small piece of the puzzle trying to figure out where it belongs?
You weren’t positive so you kept your distance from the team members and never really talk to them; Y/N only did what she was told and stayed away from social interactions. After your disappointing past experiences, one could have said you didn’t like people. Why bother?
Even Bane was probably going to send you on your way soon: he kept on coming to the house more often and your best speculation was that he was getting ready to tell you to vacate the property. Which was fair; you couldn’t rely on his hospitality forever. And for some reason it made you sad.
It was true that Bane dropped by more often: from barely visiting the hideout once a month before your arrival, he multiplied his visits to 3-4 times a week. Under the pretext of checking up on his protégé and give her assignments, of course. It had nothing to do with how much he liked seeing your face light up every time he was around.
One night you fell asleep in front of the fireplace: it was cozy to pile up blankets and watch the longs burn until they turned into ashes. You woke up around 2 in the morning and stretched, surprised to see Bane passed out on the couch a couple of feet away. You didn’t hear him sneak in and assumed he had a motive for being there: to finally tell you he wanted the residence evacuated.
You rolled over and got on your knees, carefully placing two more logs on top of the dying fire.
“Add more,” the deep tone made you jump. “It’s getting chilly.”
“Hi,” you tilted your head to look at him. “I didn’t mean to awake you,” you apologized and did as requested.
“You didn’t,” Bane rubbed his eyes, totally used with short power naps instead of dozing off for hours.
You delayed more conversation, but it had to be addressed although you dreaded the subject; maybe he was expecting you to get the hint so you gathered the courage to speak up:
“I was debating… I should…e-hem…” you fakely coughed, “… find a new establishment…”
“Don’t you wanna stay?” he cut you off.
“I do,” you admitted, “but it’s not fair to take advantage of…”
Bane’s laughter at the statement made you halt your small presentation; it was his strategy of disguising how discouraged he was at your arbitrary idea.
“I doubt I’m the type that can be taken advantage of,” he got on his elbow and you abandoned the warmth of the fireplace in order to sit down by him on the sofa. “You don’t have to go anywhere…unless you wish to,” he gave you choices once more.
You glared at each other for a few seconds and then you demanded:
“Can you please take your mask off?”
“Why?”
“I want to kiss you.”
Bane unsnapped the leather straps without a second invitation: God knows he seldom dreamed about it without paying attention to what it truly meant.
Your lips touched and the intimacy made him slowly pull you in his arms; it seemed natural that the woman he was in love with belonged there.
“My name is Y/N,” you suddenly moaned in between kisses and Bane paused, eager to mention:
“For your own safety I suggest to never disclose it to another living soul. It’s better if you don’t exist; a ghost doesn’t have a past or present thus can never be seized.”
“I like the notion of being a Ghost,” you intertwined your fingers with his. “And you have to call me something; the rest of the world also.”
“Sounds like you got yourself a deal,” Bane grinned and instantly cautioned: “I also have to bring up to your attention that I’ve never slept with a Goddess before.”
Your mouth got close to his ear and you whispered:
“I’ve never slept with a Handsome Brute but I believe we’ll manage.”
************
Today, 1:13 am
Your cell phone keeps on vibrating on the nightstand; attempting to ignore the insufferable noise might wake up Bane: you exhausted your husband last night and he has to recharge. You’ll probably need his services by morning time so… might as well make an effort for his sake.
Great, it’s The Joker.
“Hello?” you keep your voice down.
“I was thinking,” the insomniac King of Gotham gets straight to the core of the issue without apologizing for the late call. “Next time Bane’s out of town and you don’t accompany him, I should take you out to dinner; then we can get some stuff out of our system.”
Is he for reals?!
“I have a better proposal!” you hiss, irritated. “Next time Bane’s out of town without me, you’ll take your girlfriend out to dinner and then you can get whatever you want out of your system with her!! I’ll wait for my husband and then when he comes home he’ll know how to take care of my system!! GOT IT??!!” you hang up and J is displeased at your behavior:
“How fucking rude!” he puffs, cuddling next to Kara; she’s snoozing after her misfortune.
“Who’s that?” your spouse groans.
“Uggghh,” you snuggle to his chest, aggravated by J’s crap.
“Idiot…” HB wraps both naked bodies tighter in the fluffy cover since he guessed the name; your reaction is enough clue.
Ghost pecks his shoulder and gradually relaxes, 100% convinced of the only truth in her life: if she ends up with nothing again, as long as he’s there she will still have everything.
Part 1: diyunho(.)tumblr(.)com/post/187322128171/the-joker-x-reader-ghost-part-1
Also read: MASTERLIST
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You can also follow me on AO3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.
#the joker x reader#the joker imagine#the joker fanfiction#the joker jared leto#the joker#bane#bane x reader#joker#joker fanfiction#joker imagines#the joker suicide squad#joker suicide squad#dc#mister j#Mistah J#Mr.J
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i have never loved a prompt as much as i have this one because it’s s o c u t e -
i personally hate how i wrote this one, so please do tell me if you’d like a rewrite anon! despite its length i just wasn’t very happy with how it came out,, it’s probably one of my worst works yikes
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➼Love had never been something Dimitri could deal with easily. The poor house leader only had two sides when it came to these sort of things; a prince who simply stuffed his emotions down and put on the same facade of friendship towards whoever he may be interested in, or a hopeless romantic that couldn’t even look at his crush without becoming a complete mess.
➼You, unfortunately, fell into the second category. The mere mention of your name had his cheeks redden a bit, enough for about the entire school to notice. He’d lay awake at night plagued with thoughts of your kind eyes and perfect smile, and had had plenty of mishaps on the training grounds when he was lucky (and unfortunate) enough to be your sparring partner.
➼Telling others how you really you felt about them was hard enough for many, but Dimitri? He already bottled up so many emotions as is! Getting him to even utter a word about his love for you to anyone already proved nearly impossible, but saying something to your face?! He could never dream of doing something like that!
➼Of course, even he had his days where a tiny bit of confidence sneaked into his heart. Maybe he had caught your eye in class, or finally managed to hold a conversation without excusing himself halfway through. Either way, he’d march over to his room, seat himself at his desk, and grab a blank sheet of paper. He would write you a letter that contains exactly how he felt!
➼... But then Dimitri would freeze. His face would flush as he read over the words he had chosen, and back away from the nearly finished note in slight horror. Had he really planned on giving you such an inappropriate letter?!
➼While his brain told him to burn the wretched thing, his heart almost always told him otherwise. Dimitri always found himself placing the unfinished confession in a box underneath his bed, where every other letter of his resided. He could barely stand the sight of them! It only reminded him of how cowardly he became when his emotions were involved! (Plus, they all sounded wrong. Maybe it was just impossible to put his feelings for you onto just one piece of paper?)
➼You yourself had always been good friends with Dimitri, ever since the day you’d met at the officers academy, but he had always been quite distant. Initiating casual talk with him always ended with you staring a bit dejectedly as he rushed off saying someone was calling him or he had chores to attend to...
➼It wouldn’t bother you as much as it did if you weren’t just a tad bit in love with him. The Blue Lions class and his friends (save for one) always sang such high praise of him, and on the rare occasion you managed to interact with him for long periods of time you knew no one was lying. Dimitri was hardworking, sweet, and charming in his own lovable way, so it shouldn’t have surprised you when you found yourself smitten with him.
➼Considering how standoffish he always was towards you you highly doubted he reciprocated your feelings. While sometimes it made you feel just a tad bit terirble knowing you’d never get your Prince Charmmg, you had accepted it long ago. Better to push Dimitri out of your mind before you became a sulking mess!
➼Weeks passed with you desperately trying to get Dimitri out of your thoughts. Suddenly it was your day to clean the living quarters. You hoped it would distract you from your prince related troubles, but they only seemed to worsen when you stopped in front of his room door.
➼“Hello? Dimitri? I’m here to pick up any trash you may have.” No response. “Dimitri? Are you there?” Again, no response.
➼You looked down the hall both ways before slowly peeking inside, surprised to find the space empty. You let yourself in, ignoring the sudden heat in your cheeks at the feeling of being in Dimitri’s room, and rushed to grab whatever may be in the garbage bin.
➼He barely had anything to take, so you started to exit only to stop at the feeling of stepping on something. You curiously plucked the folded paper from under your heel. It had been crushed and ripped, but was still somewhat whole. When you squinted you could even see fancy looking quill ink that had bled through!
➼Despite knowing that this was technically invasion of privacy, you unfolded the paper enough just to see a few of the words that you assumed Dimitri had written. Sentnces had been messily crossed out, but the few that remained were barely legible due the ruined state of the paper. Thankfully, there were just something that you could make out, near the bottom...
➼‘I love you, S/O.’
➼Out of impulse, you gasped and threw the paper as if it had caught aflame. You stared at the note with a look of both disbelief, your shaking hands already reaching to snatch what you presumed to be some some sort of confession letter off of the ground. You had to see it again, you had to confirm it. Maybe you had just misread it? Maybe the words had blended together?
➼But the longer you stared at those four simple words the faster you realized what it meant. If your suspicions were correct and Dimitri had written this, he had just indirectly confessed to you!
➼Your eyes suddenly strayed from the note in your hand when you caught a glimpse of another paper sticking out from underneath his bed. You slowly reached out to see if it was yet another letter, but your fingertips grazed the corner of a wooden box instead. You gently pulled it from its hiding spot and stared at it for a moment. The feeling of guilt sat heavy on your mind as you barely lifted the lid and glanced inside, but almost every emotion besides shock disappeared at the sight before you.
➼You placed the top to the side and gaped at the amount of letters that were packed into such a small container. You grabbed the first one you saw, which was in much better shape than the previous one, and skimmed through the writing with tiny bit of hope in your heart that it would be addressed to you once more.
➼Sure enough, the first thing you saw was ‘My Dear S/O’. The note went into great detail on how Dimitri felt about you, once again ending with the same four words that still made your heart beat a hundred miles per hour. As if in a trance you went through each confession and didn’t stop for anything. Despite still being in the Dimitri’s room and the possibility of being seen still very plausible, you read through the entire box in one sitting!
➼You had halfheartedetly scattered the letters around you and stared at your personal favorite with loving eyes. Instead of being focused on your qualities he seemed to have been rambling about how he dealt with his crush on you. He retold you stories of nights where he was simply plagued with thoughts of you, and wrote heartfelt apologies for avoiding you every chance he got...
➼With a hum and a smile you held the paper against your heart. You took a long look at the mess you had made and sighed to yourself. You should really do something to make up for all the trouble you had caused!
➼And so you folded and placed each letter into your pockets, unable to bear the thought of separating with any of his adorable confessions. You searched his drawers until you managed to find a worn quill, and giggled to yourself as you started to write your own note!
➼The sound of students being released from dinner made you hurriedly sign your name and shove it into the wooden box. You slammed the lid back on and lifted it onto his bed before rushing out of his room to hide around the corner. Despite nerves drilling a hole into you you couldn’t help but want to see his reaction, if he even had one!
➼And you did get a reaction out of him. The sight of the loathsome box being on his bed, when he had not placed it there before, made his heart sink. Someone had found his confessions.
➼In a flash he had thrown the top to the side, going completely still at the sight before him. They were gone. Every single horrid letter he had written was gone. The box was completely empty... except for one paper. Confused, terrified, and just a tad bit flushed, he read what had been left behind for him.
➼‘Dimitri! I found all of the letters and loved all of them! You don’t mind if I keep them, do you? Ah well, never mind that. You have no idea how elated I was to see that you loved me! I was so worried to you disliked my presence for a while! It put my feelings at ease! Oh, but I suppose I haven’t responded to your confession yet, hm? Well, perhaps we can discuss this over chamomile? I’d love to finally get to know you better, and just being near you makes my heart flutter, so I think it’s a fine idea. What do you say, my prince?’
➼You had never seen someone blush as much as you did Dimitri that day. He looked on the verge of fainting, but the way his shocked expression slowly shifted into a smile put your worries to rest almost instantly. Who knew you’d be able to fall in love with the same person twice?
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Thou shalt not kill
The night sky hung over Corona, with stars glistening like a million diamonds. It had to have been towards the end of the night maybe early morning. Corona’s finest soldiers had just returned from battle and many were still recuperating themselves within the barracks. Many were injured and some did not return from battle, unfortunately. The Medics worked tirelessly on the wounded. every once in a while a soldier would groan or let out a shriek of pain. For Pete the guard it was nothing new. He'd become used to this routine after a battle. The shrieks of pain that had once disturbed him when he was merely a private no longer bothered him. The soldier was now well on in his years but had the heart of an ox, and the body of a bull despite him looking quite tall and lanky. Taking off his brass helmet Pete set it down on the bench next to him. His armor clinked and shifted as he took a rag and began to clean the smears of blood and filth off of him. Blood used to bother him quite badly when he was first joining the ranks but once again years of having to deal with it seemed to have dulled his senses. The iron metallic smell no longer bothered him or made him nauseous. In fact, he hardly ever noticed it anymore. Once he was sure that his armor was clean he unsheathed his sword from its hold on his waist. With a sigh, he numbly stared at it. Brownish red covered the cold steel of the blade. The blood had significantly dried from the time it was in battle. Pete took a deep breath and wet his cloth before running it over his sword, Cleaning off the crusty splatters. The once white cloth began to turn a sickening brown, And once the sword was clean he put the cloth back into the bucket of water. Placing his sword back in its hold Pete leaned his head back against the wall. Just as the same with any other battle, many thoughts began to run through his head and none of them were pleasant. With a grunt, the older man raised himself upon his boots and made his way over to the drinking pail. His feet clicked against the cobblestone floor and the sound was almost comforting in a way. after you'd been in battle for as long as he had it reminded you that you were home and alive. Taking the metal Ladle from the water pail, Pete raised it to his lips and began to gulp down the cool refreshing liquid. The water was cold and eased his hoarse and burning throat. Once he had his fill he dropped the ladle back into the pail letting it clang harshly against the sides. Suddenly and without warning a loud crash was heard as well as several disgusting retching sounds. It came from around the corner and several soldiers began to move away from that area. Pete then began to notice something. Where on earth was his Apprentice? In all of the chaos of battle, he had forgotten that this was Isaiah's first. Worry began to seep into his heart while he looked for the young man. Pete then turned the corner where the retching sounds had come from and sure enough there he was. Isaiah had fallen on all fours and his stomach lurched more bile onto the ground. His sweat made his blondish brown hair stick to his flushed face. With a sigh Pete walked over and bent down, proceeding to rub the young man's back. “ well, better out than in I suppose.” he said in an effort to comfort him. Isaiah did not respond. he only panted and shivered, trying to keep himself from passing out. Next to him was his sword completely drenched in blood or rather dried blood. The thought then hit Pete like a ton of bricks. has Isaiah ever killed anyone before? And if not...how many did he kill tonight!? Pete was broken from his thoughts as Isaiah arched his back while another gag tour through him. The older man's expression softened significantly feeling nothing but pity for the young Soldier. He remembered how hard it was for him when he first took a life. Isaiah coughed and sputtered and then began to sit back on his legs. “I-I’m...Sorry..sir…” He choked out between coughs. “Hey don't worry about it pal... the first one is always the worst.” he soothed cracking a smile. Isaiah tried to make his way to his feet shivering all the while. Pete attempted to help him but Isaiah aggressivly yanked his arm away and stared shell shocked at his mentor. “I...I need some air..” with that Isaiah turned on his heels and began to hastily make his way to the exit. Pete frowned knowing all too well what his young pupil was going through. “U-um could we get someone over here to clean this up? I'll be back.” he called out through the barracks before turning to leave as well. His pace was quick as he tried to keep up with Isaiah. his shoes loudly clacking against the cobblestone floor. “ Isaiah?” he called out as he made his way through the corridor. As he walked over to the heavy wooden door he took in a deep breath preparing for the inevitable emotional rollercoaster that was about to take place. the door creaked as he pushed it open and immediately the cool night air was the first thing to greet him. “ Isaiah? are you okay?” what a stupid question. Isaiah stood on the balcony looking out at the Kingdom. His hair swished about in an almost rhythmic fashion and his folded over arms rested comfortably on the ledge. “I’m... I'm fine..” he responded his voice cracking a bit. Pete only sighed and walked over to his apprentice. There was an awkward silence for a minute or two until Pete broke the tension by clearing his throat. “ it's a lovely night out tonight... clear skies, not too cold, not too hot. Perfection really.” he said trying to bring up a subject to talk about. “Yep.” Isaiah responded. “so... you want to tell me what that was all about?” Pete said trying to get directly to the point. “What was all of what?” the annoyance in Isaiah's voice barely there but still noticeable. “don't try and hide it, boy. I've been a soldier for a long time and I've seen many things. Tell me what's wrong.” his voice was stern yet comforting. Isaiah began to shiver again slightly and he silently prayed that his mentor had not noticed. he clenched his fists, the black leather of his combat gloves squeaking ever-so-slightly. “Isaiah…” Pete said again a little more sternly this time. Isaiah bit his quivering lip it looked away trying not to look weak in front of his mentor. placing his gloved hand upon his apprentice’s shoulder Pete attempted to make Isaiah look him in the eye. “ Isaiah…. look at me…” doing as he was told Isaiah turned around and looked up at his mentor with tear-filled eyes. he tried to blink away the tears but it was obvious they were still there. Pete's face was filled with an understanding look as he gazed into Isaiah’s eyes. that look was all the confirmation that Isaiah needed. Within a split second, Isaiah broke. The blonde soldier hung his head and his shoulders began to heave. He rested his head on his mentor’s chest and his shivering became more intense. To Isaiah's surprise, Pete wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer as he cried. This action alone only made him cry more. With his sobs now audible he began to hiccup and grip onto his mentor as if for dear life. “Se-Ser Pete...I...I saw..Saw the life...drain from their eyes.” he sobbed out. Pete remained silent letting Isaiah continue. “I...I was taught my w-whole life...that ki..lling..was wr-wrong...and I just...killed so many good men...w-who probably had families!” Pete felt his heart tense at the pain in his voice “Isaiah you weren't the only one doing The Killing they were going to kill you if you had not killed them. a battle is a life-or-death situation you can't afford to think of their families or what they're leaving behind! you need to see them as the enemy and nothing more. I know it sounds cruel but that's how it has to be.” Pete said trying to comfort him as best as possible. “ yes killing is wrong. I wish there was a better way to solve Kingdom issues but sometimes war is the only option.” Isaiah let out a muffled sob into his mentor’s chest. “I've committed one of the worst acts today... I killed a man... Multiple Men... their blood is on my hands. How can I say I'm a good and just man when the blood of so many is on my hands!?” he cried out. Pete suddenly got a very stern look and cupped Isaiah's chin forcing him to look up. “ I'll not be hearing any of that. you are a good man Isaiah. the fact that you're crying for these men and for their families proves that. you would never kill anyone in cold blood you had a reason. you were fighting for your country! for your family! I understand that killing is wrong but sometimes it's our only option. it's unfortunate and it's sad. I truly wish the world was different for you so that you wouldn't be forced to do this. but you took an oath and you knew what you were getting into. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but it never does. I'm not going to stand here and sugarcoat it for you. it never gets any easier.” Isaiah looked up at his mentor with shocked tear-filled eyes. Pete's face softened. “ those men knew what they were getting into as well. death is always a possibility when a soldier. Those men died honourably. just as our men died honorably tonight. There is no glory in killing. killing is a grave sin no matter what angle you look at it from. but as I said before sometimes it's our only choice.” Isaiah looked down at the ground. Pete thought for a moment trying to figure out something to say. getting an idea he flashed a sad smile at his apprentice. “ hey…” Isaiah looked up. “ if there's one thing I know for sure you are fine Soldier and you're a good man. I couldn't have asked for a better Apprentice.” Isaiah’s face beamed with a quivering lip he pulled his mentor into a tight hug. Pete was surprised at first not used to such shows of affection by the other soldiers. However, Pete had to admit even if he was in his older years he was still a softie at heart and returned the hug gratefully. “By the way…” Pete started. “ I happen to see on the battlefield that a few soldiers were caught in a sticky purple substance... that wouldn't have been you're doing right?” he asked with a smirk. Isaiah smirked right back at him. “ you tell no one…” he chuckled. Pete shook his head and snickered. “ come on let's go get some stew before the rest of the recruits eat all of it.” he said beginning to walk back towards the door. “ yeah okay...and Ser Pete?” “hmm?” “Thanks…”
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[Rolling Stone India] The Art of Being Mino
The South Korean hip-hop star wowed critics and fans alike with his solo album ‘XX’; but is he any closer to discovering who the ‘real’ Mino is?
Understanding Song Minho is kind of like catching lightning in a bottle; impossible to do but the idea itself is so dazzling, you need to give it a shot anyway. Tall and blonde with bleached eyebrows and sharp features, Song–better known mononymously as Mino–cuts quite the intimidating figure. He’s intelligent, polite and forthcoming on every answer and there’s an elegance to him that’s instantly appealing. There’s one little thing that proves to be more charming than any of this, however, and it comes in the form of a little note he sends on email after the interview; “Thank you for your interest!” it reads cheerfully, accompanied by a smiley emoji. “I hope we do it again when Winner’s back!” It’s simple but sweet and suddenly there’s yet another dimension to the chic, fierce rapper we’re used to seeing onscreen.
Before sitting down with Rolling Stone India for a conversation in December, the 25-year old musician’s schedule through 2018 included the release and promotion of a full LP with his band Winner, a Japan tour, a more extensive Asia tour, a series of performances across his home country South Korea, starring roles in several variety shows and a feature on YG Entertainment labelmate and his senior Seungri’s viral hit track “Where R U From.” November was busiest for him with the release of his first solo LP XX, a 12-track feast of hip-hop, tradition, emotion and culture. December finally closed with yet another single with Winner and a series of year-end performances in Korea.
While a bit of a break is warranted after the whirlwind of activity, Mino confirms he has no plans to take it easy in 2019. “Winner will release a full album this year,” he reveals cheerfully. “I cannot talk about our plan in advance, but we are preparing a surprise gift with a great musician!” The four-member K-pop band are working on their upcoming third LP and have already begun their tour schedules in full force– they’re currently on a six-city run of the United States with stops in Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Dallas, Chicago and New York.
Over the past year Mino has embraced the avant-garde with ease, stepping away from his swag-heavy hip-hop image and slipping into a more elegant avatar.
As an artist, Mino is full of surprises with an evolution that’s been thrilling to map. He started his career as a rapper in South Korea’s vibrant underground hip-hop scene back in 2010 (when he was just 16) but success took a while to come along. He debuted briefly in 2011 with a group called BoM before its premature disbandment in 2013, and then finally signed with leading music label YG Entertainment as a trainee. In 2014 he got his big break after participating in TV channel Mnet’s reality-survival program Win: Who Is Next and ending up as a member of the winning Team A–which would go on to form Winner and debut that same year. He shot to fame quickly this time around, gaining attention as a solo artist after finishing as runner-up on the fourth season of South Korean hip-hop survival competition Show Me The Money in 2015. With several eyes on him, he wowed with a more bluesy, melancholic persona on Winner’s 2016 EP EXIT: E. That same year he and YG Entertainment labelmate Bobby announced a duo project titled MOBB, which showed off a completely different, swag-heavy, fun-loving attitude, but in that EP he included “Body,” a solo single that blended sex and passion with angst and regret. Winner’s discography as of late has been bright, tropical and electronic-pop and he’s able to adapt to it effortlessly as well. His career trajectory spells ‘chameleon’ and even in times of trial there’s a sense of chill around him, as though deep inside he knows everything’s going to work out.
Over the past year Mino has embraced a life of avant-garde with ease, stepping away from his swag-heavy hip-hop image and slipping into a more elegant avatar. He seems more comfortable and willing to express himself in ways outside of music. He’s always had fondness for art but now seems to revel in it, regularly posting images of artwork he’s created on Instagram, participating in media projects, exhibitions and editorials. Last year, he displayed some of his own artwork at an exhibit titled ‘Burning Planet.’ The pieces were a combination of installation art with media and performance art which explored the idea of burnouts, stress and humanity’s exhausting pace of birth, work, death. It’s morbid, futuristic and almost prophetical in its warnings about the pressure society puts on young people and quickly gained critical acclaim. Mino remains modest in the wake of all the praise, saying, “I do not know if I have had any talent when I was young, but I painted as a hobby since I was a kid. So I have become interested in art naturally. It was a very good opportunity to exhibit ‘Burning Planet’ with [eye wear brand and collaborator] Gentle Monster. It was a good time to learn and experience many things.”
It’s this artistic and emotional evolution which seems to have had the biggest hand in the creation of XX. “I wanted to give a tweak to my existing image, which I guess has been heavy with hip-hop and rap. I wanted to start afresh,” he stated at a press conference in November, according to a report by the Korea Herald. XX is an extension of his performance art–dramatic, creative with an ambiguous title to boot (he’s explained he wanted his listeners to have their own interpretations of it.) The video for the lead single “Fiancé” features imagery around birds, dreams, fantastical landscapes and more. In addition to being involved in the entire concept, Mino also contributed to the set design–there’s a giant mural of a bluebird featured in the video which he painted himself. Several fans as well as popular YouTube channels like DKDKTV have attempted to decipher the meanings behind it and he’s thrilled to see all the various discussions. “It is one of the things I enjoy the most,” he says when I ask if he ever watches these theories. “Making parts that can be interpreted in various ways… I love watching them in various interpretations.” Could he tell us which theory got closest to deciphering his work? “I will never tell which one is correct or incorrect for more diverse guesses!” he teases.
“Fiancé” has also been appreciated for its unconventional combination of trot, a form of Korean folk music, and trap. To do this, the track samples Korean veteran singer Kim Taehee’s 1969 track “Soyanggang River Maiden” and blends it with bass-heavy, rolling trap and Mino’s drawling rap. “There was no intention to use ‘Soyanggang River Maiden’ from the beginning,” Mino says. “When the song was almost 80 percent complete, [YG Entertainment CEO and music producer] Yang Hyun Suk gave me an idea of putting a part of ‘Soyanggang River Maiden’ as a sample source, and it fit perfectly into the message and vibe of this song.” The haunting sample had younger fans enthralled and searching through YouTube to listen to the original track while applauding Mino for putting a limelight on Korean pop culture and history. Because in addition to the retro sound, the music video for “Fiancé” is a fever-dream blend inspired by the Korean Joseon dynasty and modern-day angst. In the clip the rapper wanders between fantasy and reality, dressed as an emperor as he searches the past, present and future for his one true love.
“I was getting to love myself, and everything [about that experience] is in this album.”
Is it possible that with younger artists like him using older genres like trot or paying homage to their history in music videos, it can help young listeners appreciate tradition a little bit more? Mino reveals that wasn’t really his intention at all. “In fact, I considered this song for older people than younger people,” he says, adding his plan was to erase misconceptions about hip-hop and ‘young’ music in the minds of older generations. “Even if the genre of hip-hop is popularized, it is still hard to catch up with higher age. So it seems like sampling of ‘Soyanggang River Maiden’ was a good plan for this song.” “Fiancé” has indeed added to the buzz around rappers defying expectations and stepping into traditional musical and visual territories. Hip-hop no longer has one definition and inspiration can come from anywhere. For Mino, the ideas for “Fiance” and XX came from several fragments of art. “I have so many things inspiring me, so I do not know which one to say first,” Mino says. “Among them, some works of (Italian painter) Piero Fornasetti, various plants–especially blue roses– and the Japanese anime Devilman were in my mind. However, it’s my inner self that affected it the most. I stayed alone in the studio every time so I could be deeply involved in my work and I looked back upon myself.”
XX as a whole has been well-received thanks to its use of complex metaphors, puns and double meanings in its lyricism, but for Mino, making this record was about finding his true self. “I got down to work in earnest in the beginning of 2018 for this album,” he says. “It contains various songs ranging from a song written two-three years ago to a song written two weeks before the album came out.” The rapper has written and composed each and every track, taking a dive into his own psyche to unleash several different sides of himself. In a video teaser right before XX‘s release, Mino explained he’d made the album by “grating [his] soul into it” and the result is an LP that is diverse, clever, saucy and undoubtedly one of the best hip-hop albums of 2018. Lyrically, he tackles everything from waiting for a lost love (“Fiancé”) to calling out obsessive fans (“Agree”) and bold eroticism (“Hope”). He gets emotional on “Alarm” and “Her,” exploring heartbreak, his relationship with his fans and self discovery. “I was getting to love myself, and everything [about that experience] is in this album,” Mino tells me. “I got a lot of thoughts and experiences from it and I am so proud of the production process.”
It’s clear from the get-go that wordplay is key; in the vicious introductory track “Trigger,” Mino uses syllables in its Korean title to play on the curse word ‘shibal,’ blazing through verses of self-praise with swagger, while on “Rocket” he drops references to art, Korean mythology and more. It’s the realest taste of what he’s truly capable of and it surprises and delights in equal measure. The impressive roster of collaborators on the record include YG Entertainment’s biggest in-house producers Choice37 and Millennium, comedian and actor Yoo Byung-jae and up-and-coming vocalist Blue.D, among others. There was one artist, however, that Mino was particularly excited to work with. “It was all fun, but working with YDG was extremely impressive,” he says proudly of his collaboration with the Korean hip-hop veteran on “Bow Wow.” “It was one of my dreams from my childhood.”
With XX being his first massive solo effort, Mino confesses there were hurdles along the way that he hadn’t expected. “The toughest part was familiarity,” he says, adding, “When I listened to songs hundreds of times to make a song, I always got confused. That’s the hardest thing to me.” Working alone means more pressure and he says he finds it more peaceful when he’s working with the members of Winner– Hoony, Yoon and Jinu. “When I work alone… I get sensitive because I am dissatisfied with any result. When I work with Winner, it’s really a load off my mind. Each member has their own roles, and I think we fit in nicely with each other.”
Mino’s journey has been wild, difficult, rewarding and a little messy–we’ve covered a lot of it over the course of the interview, but it still feels like we’re scratching the surface. He seems to agree; there’s a lot more he wants to consume and learn and a lot more he wants to show all his fans, old and new. “I am always thankful to fans who have supported me from the beginning and everyone who has known me since yesterday,” he says. “I will try to put a little more of my own personality and style on next album, and I also want to challenge something that no one expected.” While the search for the ‘real’ Mino continues, XX is a chapter in his story that marks a significant turn; he’s found a balance between the sexy rapper we see with Winner, the exuberant hip-hop dudebro he turns into with MOBB and the expressive poet he is as a soloist. It might not be lightning in a bottle just yet, but it’s pretty damn close.
© Rolling Stone India
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Trust Fall
An original short story inspired by Imagine Dragons’s “The Fall”
When someone turns 25, they get a tattoo of their soulmate’s name.
This story explores the thoughts of Ollie and Lou on the night before Lou’s 25th birthday.
Read it on Wattpad or below the cut.
On that particular evening, they were watching TV together in the living room. The lights were off, causing the room to be illuminated to match the show’s current scene. Ollie, curled up in a blanket on one corner of the sofa, was completely engrossed with the program. Meanwhile, Lou was lounging with her feet by Ollie and her head resting on the opposite sofa arm.
The arm draped somewhat dramatically across her face combined with her frequent fidgeting led Ollie to believe that Lou wasn’t entirely focused on the show. “Penny for your thoughts?” they asked her, after turning the volume down a touch.
”It’s nothing,” Lou grumbled rather unconvincingly. She undid her ponytail to fluff and toss around her hair for a moment. The gesture was a nervous tick that Ollie recognized from three years of living with their best friend.
Lou was, in fact, quite nervous. In just a few hours, she would be 25. She didn’t normally concern herself with her birthday, but this year was destined to be different.
In this world, my dear reader, 25th birthdays are special. Most people have a special tattoo of their soulmate’s name appear on their skin at the midnight beginning their birthday. The soulmates do not always meet or end up in a romantic relationship, but that is the societal expectation.
I’m sure you can imagine how Lou, a closeted aromantic, would be concerned about the prospect of a soulmate. Her lack of romantic attraction created a lack of interest in a romantic relationship. In her mind, this could not possibly turn out well.
One possibility was that there would be no tattoo. This would relieve the pressure of possibly having to find and introduce a new person to her life with society’s ever-present expectations, but it would also make her a social outcast. Lou has read one too many stories about people without tattoos experiencing prejudice for being soulmateless.
Lou was even more afraid of having a soulmate. What if they wanted a romantic relationship? What if they weren’t understanding of her orientation? Any number of things could go horribly wrong with this new person in her life. Even worse, what if it was someone she already knew? Lou realized that she was in no way emotionally prepared to come out as aro to someone, a stranger or otherwise, in less than 24 hours.
She knew she shouldn’t worry. Soulmates were designed for each other, after all. Her soulmate couldn’t hate her or be incompatible on the basis that they were her soulmate. Or at least, that’s the way she hoped it worked.
”Hey, Ollie?” Lou said to catch their attention. Even though Ollie hadn’t yet found their soulmate, they were bound to know whether or not your soulmate couldn’t possibly hate you. At the same time, they started to say her name. The pair laughed for a moment, before Ollie motioned for Lou to continue. “Do you know if it’s possible for your soulmate to be . . . incompatible with you?”
Ollie frowned as pity for their friend washed over them. “Oh, Lou. You don’t have to worry.” Their expression turned into a somewhat forced yet reassuring smile. “There’s a reason they’re called ‘soulmates,’ ya know? I’m sure your soulmate will find you positively perfect.”
”I’m just . . .” Lou broke their eye contact to pick at her fingernails. “I’m worried that we won’t, like, want the same things.”
”I’m sure that you’ll work it out.” Lou didn’t look back up, and Ollie could tell that she was slipping into her thoughts again. “Hey, look at me.” They waited until she did. Everything is going to be ok. Nothing has to change if you don’t want it to. It’s your life and you get to choose how you live it.”
Lou didn’t look entirely convinced, but she at least tried to put a smile on her face to disguise her misty eyes. “Thanks, Ollie. It means a lot to me that you’ve stayed here instead of looking for your own soulmate.”
”Don’t mention it. You’re the only best friend I’ve ever known, and I don’t intend on loosing you, ever.”
They turned their eyes back to the TV, but this time Lou has much lighter thoughts. Ollie was right; her life didn’t have to change because of some ink on her skin. For the first time, she was ready for her 25th birthday.
Ollie, on the other hand, began to doubt their own reassurances. Their eyes were drawn away from the TV and down to the long sleeve that covered their right arm. After glancing to make sure Lou wasn’t looking any angling their body away from her, they slipped up the sleeve to reveal the tattoo. In bold calligraphy font were the letters L-O-U. Ollie traced them with their finger as they worried about everything that could go wrong.
What if Ollie wasn’t Lou’s soulmate? Obviously Ollie would be happy if she was happy, but they didn’t want Lou to drift away because of someone else. What if Ollie was Lou’s soulmate, but she wanted something more? They liked the relationship they had with Lou now: they were two best friends against the world, for better or for worse. Ollie hoped that nothing could change, but they’d be lying if they claimed to never doubt it.
They felt guilty about keeping this secret from Lou and leading her to believe that he was destined to be with someone else. Ollie only had the best of intentions; they wanted Lou to not be concerned with the name that would appear on her 25th birthday. She did end up concerned about the name, but not because she was worried about it not being Ollie. She was worried like any other person would be worried on their 25th birthday. Ollie may have been guilty about keeping secrets, but they were happy that her emotions had been spared.
What about their emotions, though? Ollie was now the one worrying about what Lou’s ink would say. They had to stay strong and listen to their own advice: everything would be ok, because soulmates are soulmates. If Ollie was Lou’s soulmate, then they’d work it out. If they wasn’t her soulmate, then presumably the pair would remain friends because Lou was Ollie’s soulmate.
Everything would be ok. In just a few hours, Ollie could tell Lou their secret and move on with their lives as friends.
Or at least, that’s what Ollie told themself to feel better. Did it work? Not entirely. Then again, neither did their kind words to Lou.
Ollie could tell she was still worried by the incessant pacing at 11 PM, after they had both gone to bed early. They had to resist the urge to go to her room next door to drop her from wearing a circle in the carpet. They could repeat their earlier wisdom about nothing changing if she didn’t want it to, and they could gain some reassurance from seeing her face. The only problem with that plan was that they wanted to let Lou be alone with her thoughts when the clock struck 12. Ollie believed that no one should intrude on such a private moment.
So instead of going next door to comfort their friend, Ollie laid down and tried to sleep. Eventually, their eyes began to feel heavy to quiet rustle of Lou’s feet shuffling against the carpet. As they began to drift off, memories of Lou cycled through their brain like a PowerPoint presentation. Ollie smiles and relaxed into the pillow, their earlier words echoing through their mind as a final reassuring whisper. “Nothing has to change if you don’t want it to.”
As Ollie dreamed about Lou and Lou thought about Ollie, one could almost imagine their souls reaching out and twining together, much like the strings of fate. Just as Ollie did in their dreamland, I ask you to follow their thoughts through the wall to Lou.
Unlike the warm, fluffy clouds that filled her friend’s mind, Lou’s brain was a thunderstorm of thought. Ollie’s earlier reassurances were swept away as a newfound whirlwind of doubt ravaged her earlier peace. At 11:45, as suddenly as the whirlwind had appeared, Lou finally seemed to reach the final realization at the eye of the storm: she knew the identity of her soulmate.
Lou was amazed that she hasn’t seen how obvious it was earlier. Whom else could it be but the one who cheered her up when she was sad or helped her feel clarity when all seemed lost? Whom else could it be but the one whom she told all of her secrets (except one) and listened in return? Whom else could it be but the one person she knew would understand her lack of romantic interest, because they had introduced her to the term in the first place?
This person was the only one Lou had ever imagined herself spending the rest of her life with. It only made sense for them to be soulmates. Sure, there were still things she doubted (Why did they not tell her that she was their soulmate? What if she was not their soulmate but they were hers?), but she pushed those thoughts away. They were the only true friend she had ever known. Things were going to work out fine if she just had faith in their friendship.
Lou had so much faith, in fact, that when the clock struck 12 and her shoulder itched with magic, she made a decision that she never before though possible. She made a leap of faith (a trust fall, if you will), and decided to not even look at the new ink on her skin. She burned to confirm her suspicious and gaze at the tattoo, but her desire to wait until she could confront them was even greater.
She went to bed with her shoulder still covered.
As they slept, these two characters grew in their shared uncertainty and conviction. They both were sure that things would turn out ok, but both secretly doubted it. Two troubled souls with interlocking destinies rested only a wall apart; it must have been agony for the ever-watching Fates.
When Lou woke up in the morning, she immediately went to the kitchen to find Ollie. “Hey there,” they said. “Happy birthday.” They offered her a mug of hot chocolate with an outstretched hand.
Instead of accepting, Lou lingered in the doorway. Before Ollie could attempt more awkward smalltalk, she pulled down her shirt collar to reveal the ink on her shoulder.
The world was silent as these two souls, bound by fate, took a leap of faith and fell trustingly towards the uncertain future.
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Today I got a bipolar diagnosis
edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.
There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind. thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”. And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.
When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :)
To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state. She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free.
This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar.
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An Introduction to Demonology
triggers: implied abuse (physical, verbal, psychological), implied kidnapping (of a sort), violent witchcraft, protest, discriminatory/predatory behaviour, demons being weird
The marketplace of the first tier is crowded more often than not. The visitors who are natives to Hell knew how to navigate the winding passages between the stalls and storefronts, allowing the place to flow smoothly. Fights break out like twists in the rapids of a river, but the people continue to move, flowing on without interruption.
A group has built up around the base of the petrified tree standing in the middle of the market, not unlike algae pooling in a river. Demons are just as prone to uncertainty as any mortals, and it is for that reason that the Hegemony has become so popular.
“And worse, Satan himself has become weak – allowing one of the Kings to leave to be with a filthy human?”
A malformed demon with sigils etched over its’ skin laughs aloud, calling the attention of the speechgiver. “You can hardly pass judgement with your pet, Asmodeus.”
A woman in a ragged gown steps forward, pushing her husband aside. She crackles with visible black power, previously white skin shifting towards ash gray and charcoal. Her hair is poorly cared for, hacked into short clumps in a frustrated pique. “Have you something to say to me, Ninurta?”
The demon falters but grits its teeth. “Why should I be afraid of a good-for-nothing human?”
“Ha,” the woman breaths. She steps forward, reaching for Ninurta. Despite its’ efforts to resist, it is compelled to approach, one step, two step, dragging and halting – but still it ends with Priscilla resting a hand in the centre of its flattened head. “You shouldn’t, of course. It’s beneath you.” She murmurs something, a low chant that ends on a crescendo and a scream. Ninurta howls in pain and collapses to the ground in a helpless heap as Priscilla sneers above him. “But I am far from human now, and what I am is above the likes of you.”
She expects silent respect in the face of her show, but what happens instead involves a horrified gasp tearing through the crowd. It morphs into outrage quicker than she can react, and she looks around to find the origin of the disturbance. She finds it in the petrified wood, a small flower blossoming on the branch above her head.
Priscilla grits her teeth and curls her hands into fists, nails biting into her palms. She can feel magic pulse as she meets her husbands eye, and nods sharply to him. Asmodeus gestures behind the tree and reaches up to tear the bud from where it has grown, crushing it in his hand. Priscilla casts the spell she needs to to lock the problem away.
Everyone has a secret, if not more. Asmodeus and Priscilla are no different. They protect their secret as well-practiced experts, hiding it away from the world they prefer. The two are demonic in nature if not in species, a monster and the bride who exchanged her soul and freedom for power and an end to her humanity – and yet the two of them have managed to create a pure soul.
Any mixed breed child is a disaster in the making – a look at Paimon’s legacy can reveal that. Asmodeus is of the opinion that he has managed to create something worse. No self-respecting demon wants to lay claim to a pure soul, not as their own, not unless they can corrupt it. And despite their best efforts, they cannot corrupt Sarina. Her hair and skin remain a pristine, gleaming white, and her eyes continue to glow gold. Their daughter might have inherited her mothers’ jawline, but the picture she paints is of an angel at creation.
It’s almost more disgusting than a human.
Her saving grace thus far has been her power, and Priscilla’s insistence that if they teach her she has no choice, she will lean towards the darkness they revere. She’s a mixed brat, not quite half demon, a little over a tenth human, and the rest of her a witch, all contained within a twelve year old girl in a heavy black cloak.
“There must be a way to fix her,” Priscilla says, wringing her hands. Her brow is furrowed in concern, because in spite of everything, some maternal instinct remains in her. “Torture? Pain? What can we do?”
Asmodeus kicks the trunk she conjured sharply, and finds himself unsatisfied by the protesting squeak the load gives. He growls sharply, turns away.
“Perhaps it’s best to kill her,” his wife goes on. It’s a mistake; her comment captures his attention, and he grips her by the throat and lift her aloft. She claws ineffectively at his hand on her, and drops as he growls his fury and annoyance.
“Worthless whore – you gave me that abomination. I should burn the both of you and be done with it.”
He doesn’t, though. He never does. Priscilla is too powerful, and too much of a sign of prestige for him to give her up now. Few other demons have corrupted a human so thoroughly it no longer registers as human on any kind of scale, enough that they truly feel welcome in Hell. He casts her aside and she drifts harmlessly to the ground, magic powerful enough to react on instinct. Her throat is raw and she rubs it with black fingers, glaring at him as he approaches the trunk and tears it open. He drags Sarina out by the back of her neck, snarls in her battered face.
“What have we told you about using your disgusting powers?”
Sarina flinches back from the spittle that springs from his lips, and says nothing, as she has learned to do. It’s better not to complain aloud – better not to defend herself. That way, the demon that makes up her father is slightly less likely to beat her to the edge of death again.
She only wanted to float, the way her mother had. She hadn’t meant to make anything grow, to alert the entire marketplace that there was someone light-magic capable in their midst – hadn’t meant to ruin the rally her parents had been planning for ages.
But she had, and they weren’t going to listen to her complaints.
Better to grit her teeth and take it.
The plains are a frankly disturbingly barren realm. Nothing has ever grown in this place, and it’s ravaged by winds more at home on the windiest places of Earth than here, in the typically sheltered dimension that makes up Hell. The ground is cracked and dry, and pillars carved from stacked stones continue in seemingly random sequence into the distance. There is no doubt that the place is dead.
Ninurta has never felt welcome in this place, but it is where the only demon it trusts to fix the damage done to it presides.
“You reek of death,” is what the wind whispers to it as it pauses to catch its’ breath against one of the pillars.
“You say the nicest things,” it snaps back through a clenched jaw. It would try to sound more respectful to the King of this realm, only it remains in pain, and cannot open its’ maw.
The being it is here to see manifests on the other side of the pillar. He trails his fingers over the pillar as he leans around it, and the wind beating at the surrounding area fades away.
Samael is the King of this sector. He calls himself male and shifts skin on a whim. Today, he has a more demonic, monstrous form, something Ninurta is able to appreciate. Bone is held together with sinew, grey half-dead muscles in place impossibly, except down here, where every appearance is more than likely half an illusion. His head is a humanoid skull with no jaw, teeth hanging in jagged structures. It’s off putting – and it puts Ninurta at ease for the first time since that damned rally in the marketplace.
He says nothing as he grips Ninurta’s jaw, tilting it one way and the other as he considers the damage done. This is more standard than the greeting it received; for reasons that Ninurta has not been permitted to know, Samael is selectively mute, and, when he chooses to speak, it is on a breeze. A theory did the rounds half a millennia ago that the King cannot speak normally, as the rest of them generally do, but it has lost traction without Samael acknowledging it. It is difficult to pull emotion from a skull devoid of flesh, but Ninurta imagines this is an expression of concern. The theory is confirmed when Samael rests a skeletal hand on each of Ninurta’s shoulders, and vanishes them both in a twist of wind.
Samael, it seems, is calling a cavern home today. The pillars are visible from the entrance, arching into the distance. “What are they even for?” Ninurta asks. It doesn’t expect an answer, and doesn’t get one, not in a way that helps. The only response is a freshly conjured gust of wind buffeting the demon until it turns to settle on the floor of the cave. Samael smears a foul-smelling poultice over the parts of Ninurta that show damage; it seeps into its flesh and sooth the pain. As the process continues, Ninurta talks, explaining the scene at the marketplace. It isn’t until Samael stops moving, notably before the pain ends, that he glances at the King’s face. “What?”
Samael tilts his head, lifts a bony finger to tap at the space where his lips would be, if he’d elected to put on skin this morning. He gestures, twining his fingers in a particular way that Ninurta takes to mean he wants to touch on one of the things that have been described by him. “Rally,” it says, only to see the King shake his head. “Asmodeus. Priscilla. Attack. Life magic.”
Samael nods sharply, and resumes applying the poultice.
“I don’t know. Asmodeus and his whore both panicked when the flower bloomed; one of them destroyed it, she cast a spell. The crowd scattered, they hauled their trunk away, I dragged myself here because you’re the only capable healer in this damned place.” Samael frowns, or Ninurta imagines he does. “I don’t know what’s in the trunk. It’s probably a problem they haven’t bothered solving.”
The skull twitches, and Samael crouches to write letters in the dirt. Daughter, it spells out.
“Their daughter? No one’s seen her. In possibly... ever? Of course, no one would tell me if they did. Not today.”
Samael’s jawless skull emanates exasperation and Ninurta has a vague sense of unease. The King withdraws his hands, and the lesser demon realizes the job is done. The pain is gone, but it won’t be healed yet; Ninurta needs to rest until the process is complete. It won’t take long, as it is a pure demon and is hardier than that, even to dark magic.
“Your highness?” Ninurta presses, somewhat sarcastically. Samael does not reply, and indeed disappears once again in a whirl of dirt and air. If there’s ever a sign the conversation is over, this is it.
Ninurta doesn’t require sleep, but when it becomes aware again, it is sprawled on a carpeted floor between a lit fireplace that is constantly flickering, and there’s furniture around it. This would be more startling if it wasn’t entirely aware of Samael’s ability to twist his world on a whim. It suspects all the Kings can do it, in their own dimensions; it does not know if Paimon’s ability has been severed in his abdication or not.
What it does know is that a small, pale face is hanging upside-down over it. Strands of white hair are brushing its’ skin, and golden eyes gleam down. To Ninurta, the lurker looks like a human girl-child, and it finds itself growling instinctively.
The human recoils immediately, darting out of sight. Ninurta would watch her move, but it is abruptly unable to move, unable to feel anything below its’ jaw. It roars, outraged by the attack from – so far as it can tell – the tiny human. It stops when the wind moves around it, but only because it knows this is good news: the King will not allow a human in his home, however it looks.
A being that must be Samael appears in Ninurta’s vision. He has adopted a new appearance for a new day, for reasons unknown. He appears almost human, with alabaster skin and ashen hair, all of it layered with cracks of gold. Something off about his appearance gives away his identity to Ninurta, who knows better, and a kind of simple bone crown has grown from the top of his head. “There’s a human in here,” Ninurta snaps. Samael’s completely white eyes – the sockets seem to be filled with a smooth continuation of the skin he has taken – stare at the lesser demon on the floor, before he vanishes from sight, this time by stepping out of the way.
A series of moments pass, and the lack of sensation fades. Ninurta gets to its feet, relishing in the lack of pain, and is immediately faced with Samael and the human. The King has his hand resting gently on a pale shoulder, and the human is peering up at him as though he offers something she has not seen before.
Samael must whisper something to her, because she swallows and opens her mouth. “I’m called Sarina,” she says. It’s a soft voice, quiet. The accent is familiar – too similar to the witch who dared to curse it before it came to this place.
Ninurta stares at the girl for a long moment, seeing similarities it missed before. The jawline of Priscilla, an eyeshape similar to Asmodeus. “You claimed their halfbreed brat?” it demands of the King, because this explains a fair amount. Samael has always preferred halfbreeds and mixed bastards to purebreds; it is quirk unique to the King of this barren, wind-battered land.
Samael nods, and the girls lips twitch into something like a smile.
The mess of the Ninurta’s recent past hits it all at once. Fried and almost destroyed by a witch who may actually be worse now she cannot make any claims to humanity, healed by a foul-smelling poultice only the Demon King Samael knows to make, and now this, waking to a half-breed brat as the clear next pet project of the King it respects so much – it has a right to be stressed, it’s sure. Samael squeezes the girls shoulder as Ninurta watches, and the two leave the room. It is only then that it notices that both of them are floating, feet a good few inches from touching the carpet.
It’s not sure why its’ surprised, really. Samael might not be as readily corrupted as Paimon, but he has always been curious.
#kristie writes#kristie's writing#kwrites#kwriting#ft. sarina#ft. samael#ft. asmodeus#ft. priscilla#ft. ninurta
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