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nayatarot777 · 1 year

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what about you is a threat to other people? why do people try to tear you down?

• pile one •

cards: 9 of pentacles, strength, the fool

your self esteem and self confidence has people THREATENED, pile one. well and thoroughly intimidated. you guys seem to hold a lot of self value and self control. you live your life according to your own set of morals and standards and you ensure to prioritise these things. you’re someone who’s able to control your ego extremely well because you have a lot of trust in yourself, your own decisions, and your own opinions about situations. there’s an energy of moving through life with fearlessness. you have a strong sense of loyalty to yourself and to your self improvement, so you don’t let yourself stray away from new paths in life if you feel called to do so - regardless of what others may think about your decisions. you’re viewed as someone just doing your own thing and building your own life. you seem to be content and you seem like you’re living life in the way that you want to. there’s also an energy of constant maturity - if people were to not see you for a year, meeting you again would be meeting a much more developed person than before. any petty or immature behaviours or mindsets are constantly assessed and transmuted by you. the immature things that people would be able to hold against you are things that they can’t hold against you a couple of months afterwards, because you would have already come to terms with any immature behaviour. you’re extremely self aware which is where this ability to successfully tame your ego comes from.

cards: the tower, 8 of wands, the empress

people will try to tear down your self esteem by blindsiding you out of nowhere with behaviour that’s clearly devaluing to you. it’s like they’re trying to change the amount of value that you see in yourself by devaluing you randomly. it seems like you’re someone who doesn’t put that much emphasis on many other people anyway, so this probably doesn’t hurt you as much as these people intended it to. and you still seem to sit tall on whatever figurative throne that these people themselves have put you on. there’s a lot of your divine feminine energy that’s attacked when people try to tear you down. you may also experience people attacking you under the guise of being someone loving or caring towards you. but your intuition seems to be extremely strong, leading you to recognise the intimidation that these people feel from you. so it’s almost like you put up the necessary boundaries to make these people’s negative energy backfire on them. they always end up in rubbles from their own jealousy/envy while you’ve managed to stay protected.

if you’d like a private reading, please read my pinned post 💞

• pile two •

cards: ace of pentacles, 5 of wands, the hanged man, 3 of wands

what’s threatening about you is that you know how to see past the bs. you know how to go within and tune into your intuition to see whatever it is that you need to see. and if you don’t like what you see, you move on. this ability to pause, to be by yourself, and to listen only to your own intuition is what allows you to be grounded and build stability in your life and connections with others. it also seems like people don’t want to argue with you at all either 😂 you often use logic and practicality in the points that you make, meaning that you’re always a few steps ahead of others. this intimidates them. you might also have uncommon or unusual opinions that make a lot more sense than typical opinions on certain topics. you’re someone who takes an unconventional path in many areas of your life, finding success with those paths and finding a lot of blessings and value in them. you might even make money in an uncommon way. i heard “no competition” in relation to that so whatever you do, you’re extremely good at. this might even be part of your main life path, and blessings arrive when you follow this purpose that you’ve found for yourself. people who are intimidated by you are intimidated by how you seem so sure of where you’re heading and what life will look like for you in the future - even if you feel the complete opposite. you just seem enlightened about life and your own life purpose, so you stick to it - despite the conflict that other people may bring to you about this. you actually experience the most conflict when you’re taking steps towards your life purpose/destiny (check your natal chart for your north node placement and research what this means for you). whenever you step into that energy, people who are intimidated by you will try to cause issues to stray you off that path. but you have a great intuition, and i feel like you already know how these people feel about your level ups.

cards: the empress, the stars, page of swords

the empress came out in pile one, in the same section of their reading. the way that people tear you down is by attacking your divine feminine energy. but it seems like with you, people may attack your physical appearance. knit picking at both your looks and achievements. i just heard that some people might also treat you like you’re being suspicious - asking invasive questions. people might get reckless in general with what they start saying to you, because you seem so perfect to these people. and it’s like they’re digging for dirt about you that they could go and gossip about and negatively affect your reputation with. with the star, they might try to outshine you in social situations - particularly with conversation because you guys are a great conversationalist. that’s how you attract a lot of people to you easily. your words hold weight in a way that people need and they get attached to hearing you voice your opinions and speak. this page of swords gives me hating ass energy. i’m seeing someone evil eyeing you and staring daggers at you as you’re having a conversation that the other person is clearly enjoying or invested in. the people who try to tear you down might be people who aim to look, behave, and appear perfect in any way possible. your beauty is a source of envy, so a lot of people who are insecure af about their physical appearance feel like you’re major competition - to the point where they’re not even competition to you. you outshine them with your beauty. as well as your brains. you’re not just a pretty face. i’m getting that for those of you who are feminines/women, other feminines or women who try to be pick mes (what they believe men want them to be) are often the envious ones around you. the ones who probably think that playing dumb is cute, until they see a man/masculine that they want the attention of being swept up in your conversation and your mind and intelligence. so they start to emulate. people who tear you down stay trying to copy you. the way that you speak, your opinions, the way that you view situations, the way that you heal or help people, the way that you dress. anything. you’re a natural healer. your energy is healing. and these people who try to tear you down try to trigger the more unhealed aspects of you to, again, attach some dirt to your name. this is always unsuccessful though, because you’re so in tune with yourself. stay doing whatever tf you’re doing because it’s clearly something that a lot of people put up on a pedestal and are threatened by.

if you’d like a private reading, please read my pinned post 💞

• pile three •

cards: the hermit, knight of wands, knight of cups

the way that you can be in solitude and go into a deep, introspective mode is threatening to others. you do so much soul searching in order to figure out the lessons that you need to learn. you could have an old mind or an old soul. with a childlike and loving spirit. you’re deeply missed when those who you have a connection with don’t see you. i heard that they feel like they’re talking to someone with the most amount of childlike wonder, but also the oldest, most valuable knowledge at the same time. the way that you can temper yourself in connections - not getting attached recklessly and quickly - also intimidates people for some reason. the mystery that surrounds you seems to be linked to your introversion, but also your knowledge and philosophies. you can focus on what you want or how you feel and just go for it. these moves are in silence. behind the scenes. and you seem to be on a steady path of figuring yourself out and improving yourself every time someone sees you. you’re dedicated to finding motivation, love, and dependency on yourself. for yourself. others who might struggle to build their self esteem views your self improvement as a threat because they compare themselves to you and feel as though they’re a mess compared to you. or way more immature. even if they’re older than you.

cards: 8 of wands, the magician, 2 of pentacles

honestly, pile two, i feel like people are prevented spiritually from trying to tear you down. they might try their shit once or twice, but there’s something that manifests in their life to show them that they tried the wrong one. you guys have karmic energy on your side. when people do try to tear you down, they do it in such a sudden way. this is similar to the way that people try to tear down pile one. people will try to switch up on you and then get hit with that return to sender. they try to either change or completely end your ability to manifest. your valuable resources - whether that’s time, money, energy, etc. because they know that if they drain these things, they’re putting a blockage in your path for you. judging by the wise energy that i get from you, you could experience a lot of people relying on you for advice. the ones who don’t reciprocate that energy when it’s needed are the ones who want to drain you. it’s like they’re trying to take your intelligence, your knowledge, to use as a way to get onto the level that they view you on. they might also become very invasive. i’m ngl, some of these people could try to put some type of magick or witchcraft onto you. but the scales are always balanced. they try to fuck with your balance in your practical life in some way, so when that return to sender is activated, that’s what they experience for themselves. especially with their money and practical aspects of their day-to-day human life. you don’t have anything to worry about in terms of people who try to tear you down. they’re never successful.

if you’d like a private reading, please read my pinned post 💞

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feyascorner · 5 months

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NO BECAUSE I NEED TO TALK ABOUT ASCENDED ASTARION FOR A SECOND

I feel a lot of people think he just lost his soul when he went through with the ascension (myself included) but replaying for the third time (this time w/o rushing lol), it’s more obvious that he’s still him.

Of course, there’s a very obvious difference between spawn astarion and ascendant astarion in his dialogue, especially if you romance him. Ascendant astarion, in the state that he is immediately after ascension, is absolutely not a healthy representation of what a relationship should look like and should not be desired. Obviously some people think he’s hot but for the sake of the argument just go along w me here.

Regardless I don’t think the ascension changed him THAT much as a person. In fact I’d argue that NOT ascending changes him more (for the better). Ascending just made parts of him (the less forgiving traits) that much more prominent.

Looking back on Act 1 during the tiefling celebration (assuming you don’t side w the goblins), he clearly says he doesn’t revel in being a hero. And throughout the game he makes it very clear he’s willing to be selfish because he hasn’t been allowed to be selfish for the past 200 years.

And this selfishness manifests into him wanting power so he won’t face the same environment again. He’s always wanted power, and if he chooses not to ascend, he’s letting go of that part of himself. Not only does he go against what he’s believed for most of his life as a spawn, but accepts that being a spawn is okay with him. If he chooses to ascend, he’s amplifying that power hungry aspect of himself, putting act1/2 astarion’s personality in the basement, but he’s still there.

This applies to how possessive he is of Tav after the ascension too. He’s always been possessive, even if he doesn’t make it alarmingly obvious. Though rather than possessive I’d describe it more as a fear of being abandoned in act 1/2.

For example, when you drop the Githyanki Crèche on him he gets genuinely annoyed for a few seconds and then he thanks you for apologizing in a much softer tone, like he’s trying to repair any damage he might’ve done by getting mad at you. At the time, he still thinks of himself as weak, and therefore cannot bring himself to be possessive since he has no power to back it up. Instead, he manifests these feelings by doing everything in his power to please you even if it goes against his emotions. And while he doesn’t particularly love Tav going off with other people (as seen with the dialogue after you sleep with Mizora), he pretends that he’s okay with it just to keep you by his side. This tendency to please Tav in hopes they’ll stay is also seen in how he asks for your permission before he kills the Gur at the hag’s house.

Now, once he does ascend, he realizes he has the power to support all these darker emotions he feels. It turns twisted as a result, bringing us to the ascendant astarion we have today.

Spawn astarion, however, lets go of these emotions in a way, or displays them in a more healthy manner. It’s why his arc feels much more satisfying this way because ascendant astarion isn’t really changing, just adjusting. Spawn astarion goes through more raw character development which is also why I cannot bring myself to ascend him even in my evil durge play through!!

anyway yeah I made this account to do stuff like this hope you enjoyed my little rant🫶 this is just my personal opinion obviously but pls lmk if anyone thinks differently bg3 lore is so interesting

#bg3 astarion #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate astarion #astarion x tav #astarion x reader #astarion ancunin #baldur's gate spoilers

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smok3r7 · 3 months

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New Traditions // Valentine’s Day Oneshot

Joel x f!reader

Explicit, 18+

Main Masterlist & My AO3

Summary: The last Valentine’s Day two years ago has shattered your view of the so-called holiday. When Joel brings up the idea, you shut him down immediately, but he doesn’t listen. He hopes he can change your opinion on the holiday of Love.

Word count: 4.6k

Warnings: No outbreak AU, no Sarah or Ellie, slight angst, fingered, FLUFF

—

“What woman doesn’t love Valentine’s Day?” Joel questions as he lets your bent knees fall on his lap and lays one of his hands on your bare skin. The question throws you off, it’s a no-brainer; your face furrows instinctively.

“I guess just me,” you shrug your shoulders and laugh, “I just- I don’t have the best memories, is all. Ended up catching my ex of five years cheating on me two years ago with my receptionist. In my own home, might I add. So, safe to say that I despise this bullshit holiday.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yeah…fucking Adrianna, the gremlin lookin’ bitch.”

“Welp, his loss. So fuck ‘em.” Joel winks at you, causing you to chuckle and slightly shake your head.

“Thank you, but don’t think my feelings are gonna change just ‘cause you said that. Gonna take a lot for that to happen - if that’s even possible.”

“Oh baby, I got a week to think of somethin’ to do for you. But if it doesn’t work, I won’t try again okay?”

You give him a glance as your head lays in the palm of your hand, propped up by your elbow on the back of the loveseat. “Don’t go out of your way, baby, okay? I promise, I’m okay with doin’ nothing special or even related to it. Nothings gotta change, alright?” Your tone has more of an edge than before, making sure he understands that you really, really don’t want to do anything.

Joel must’ve heard the tension in your voice because he just nods his head, yes ma’am. He slowly leans closer and lays a soft kiss on your forehead as he cups your face with his large hands. Both of you turn your attention back to the TV that’s playing an old episode of Dexter, with both of you understanding your wishes.

—

The memory of that conversation finally clicks in your brain as you stand by the round kitchen table, with a mixture of fresh fruits and homemade omelets as Joel stands behind the wooden chair he’s waiting for you to sit in; you’re baffled.

“Joel, I told yo-“

“Don’t, I don’t want to hear it from you.” He interrupts your strong protest, before it can even begin. “Now, here’s the plan for toda-“

“But I said-“ you glare at his face when you cut him off, starting to become irritated because you really did want today to be the same. You just wanted to enjoy the day with Joel with no special treatment, but the fact that he didn’t listen to your wishes from a week ago kills you on the inside.

Why didn’t you just listen to me?

Joel interrupts your sentence by barking your name loud, this is when your body language shifts. Your arms quickly fold in front of your chest, your weight shifts to your left hip, and you just stare into his face with tears starting to blur your vision.

You hate to be yelled at, hell, scolded would be a better word for it. This has always been an issue for you; the minute you feel like a man goes against your wishes and then scolds you for arguing about it - you shut down and start to crack.

An eerie silence coats the walls of the kitchen that surrounds you and Joel. It feels like time has stopped, he stands in front of you with both hands wrapped around the rectangular dark wood chair and his face sharp. Although you’re about eye level to Joel, you somehow still feel small and broken as he looks into your eyes; you’re not quite sure what to do or think.

You look up slightly and start to rapidly blink so you can try to stop the tears from rolling, so you don’t seem like this weak little girl, but this just happens to cause the salty drops to fall. With a fifteen year age gap between you and Joel, there are times you do feel like a child and it twists your stomach into knots.

Your lips quiver from a smile, to biting your bottom lip, to being slightly pursed, all because you’re trying not to lose it completely.

“You went a-against my wishes, Joel,” you barely whisper, lowering your sight back to him in front of you.

“Just-“ he removes his fingers from the chair and turns his body to face you, now only about three feet apart from you.

“Please sit down n’ eat this breakfast, okay, baby?” He questions quietly, which causes his southern accent to vibrate through your ears.

Still with your arms crossed and body weight on your left side of your body, your eyes shift from his face to the delicious food on the table - that he clearly got up early and prepared for you. You don’t say anything when you look back at him, all you do is nod and wipe the tears from your face.

“Thank you,” Joel sighs, he then stands back and lets you sit down as he pushes the chair in behind you, and he kisses the top of your head, then walks to his seat across the small table from you and sits down.

Breakfast is eaten in silence, but a different one than before. This time, the silence feels comfortable and calm, no tension or eeriness in the walls. It’s just the scrapes of the knives and forks on the glass plates, mixed with the chewing from the two ends of the table, that fill your ears.

So delicious, my god.

By the time you clear your plate Joel is already standing up and reaches for your dishes. Instinctively, you move to stop him, but your brain stops your body from rejecting and you decide to sit back in the chair instead.

“Thank you,” you whisper as you scan your eyes up the large body only inches away from you.

“No need, darlin’,” he responds, staring down at you, he then turns and walks towards the sink and sets down the dishes with a soft, clink. “Now, I want you to head upstairs n’ wait in the bathroom for me. I’ll be right up.”

Your brain still isn’t functioning how it should be, and a large part of you wants to scream at him about how you don’t need to be treated with special treatment. But then the other part of you wants to accept this for what it is, that this man is madly in love with you and desires to treat you to special things.

An even smaller piece of yourself really does want to enjoy Valentine’s Day, it’s always sounded like a sweet thing; maybe this is the time.

So you know this isn’t a time to argue; instead, you smile when you stand up, and you don’t say anything when you walk in the direction of the landing that leads to the staircase. As you hesitantly step onto the dark carpeted landing, you hear the faint sound of the faucet turn on and the clinks of dishes in the kitchen.

The corners of your lips softly curl, and you continue up the staircase. The dishes are a part of the cleaning you did around the house - you and Joel split the chores around the large home, it was something that seemed fair for the both of you so no one got overwhelmed or felt taken advantage of.

So, the fact that he is taking the time to do something off of your list causes your heart to flutter. You reach the top of the stairs and head in the direction of Joel’s, and now your, bedroom. When you gently push the door open, your nose is filled with the scent of Joel, the musky scent of his cologne and his shirts lingering in an intoxicating way; this warm tender feeling forms in your belly, you feel so loved.

You just have to accept that Joel wants to do this, it’s not a chore for him, it’s a desperate need that he has.

Swiftly, you walk through the bedroom to reach the master bathroom that’s connected, and you slide the large barn style door open to the sight of tall candles lit and spaced out on the white tile floor and the outer edge of the porcelain tub, a small chair with bottles that read “Shampoo, Conditioner, Butter Cream Bubble Bath” next to the tub, and two white towels on the back of the chair.

When did he have time to do this? You whisper to yourself as you set your bare feet onto the cool tile, sliding the door closed behind you to keep the warm air from the heater confined to the bathroom. Your mind is trying to jumble ideas together, but comes up completely blank.

You still hear the sounds of dishes and water running downstairs, n’ wait for me. A smile grows on your lips, your cheeks warm up, and your belly spins and spins from anticipation. You spot your plush gray robe hanging on the hooks next to Joel’s black one, that’s hung up besides the glass standing shower.

So you decide to strip your pajamas off, the black tank top and sleep shorts dropping them in a small pile on the tile floor beneath your feet. Your right hand grabs the robe off the wall and swings it around your bare body so you can slip your arms through, and wrap the soft fabric around the front of yourself, as you do a little tie to keep it loosely together.

When you spin around to observe the bathroom from this side of the room, the soft glow from the candles is still just as breathtaking and beautiful. You catch the spot on the counter between the two sinks is empty like normal, at least something is the same. It’s the spot you sit whenever Joel shaves, brushes his teeth, showers - honestly, whenever he’s in here.

To keep some kind of routine and normalcy, you stride over to the counter and turn around so you can push your body up and set your ass onto the white and gray marble counter. Why does he insist on doing this? I’m not deserving of this kinda love and affection, it just doesn't seem real.

Your legs dangle off of the edge as you wait to hear the thumps from his feet on the stairs and the creak from sliding the door that separates you from the rest of the house. By now, the noises from downstairs have stopped and it’s only a matter of time until he’s in front of you.

The same time that you lean back onto the large mirror behind you, the barn door to your right gently slides open. The biggest smile appears on your face when you see him standing there, holding a long tray that’s filled with some more fruits cut up, but this time they’re covered in a white chocolate.

“Baby,” you purr as you sit up straight and he closes the door, then walks towards you on the counter and sets down the tray on the other side of the sink. Without saying anything, he turns around and turns the tub faucet on and to the hottest setting, and steam slowly rises from the water. Then he turns and brings his large body between your dangling legs, his hands placed on your hips, and he lowers his head to kiss you.

Your eyes start to well with tears as you kiss him back, but these are happy tears. You’ve never been treated with such care and tenderness, it’s very refreshing to know that a man is still capable of doing simple and effective gestures. Naturally, your arms hook around the back of his neck, which pulls your body right up to his; the smell of sweat, dish soap, and spices from breakfast overpower your nose.

God, he’s perfect.

“Okay, darlin’,” Joel sighs between the last couple kisses before he hesitates to pull away from you. “I want you to know that today is meant for you n’ that I want you to learn to love today. Cause’ you’re meant to, alright?”

With your hands playing with the curls that lay on the nape of his neck, you smile and nod as you stare into his soul-catching whiskey eyes, yes sir.

The smirk that appears on his face has your stomach doing flips, your hips instinctively grinding on his lower abdomen. His fingers dig deeper into your hips that’s covered by your robe as he groans under his breath, his eyes staring daggers into yours, trying so hard to not give in on his desires.

“Stop tryna’ distract me,” he tells you as he smiles and backs away from your jello-like body. Your arms drop in your lap as you watch him spin around and turn the tub faucet off, grab the bottle that reads “Butter Cream Bubble Bath” and squeeze a good amount into the water, and he swirls the steaming hot liquid. Bubbles start to appear just above the rim of the white bathtub, you can’t help but smile like a child waiting to be put in the bath after a long day.

Joel then brings his attention back to you, and the butterflies begin to appear like they did the first time you laid eyes on him at the bar where you met. The way his head cocks to the side to try to analyze you and your reactions tells you that he’s really trying to understand you fully, which you absolutely love.

He steps between your legs again, but this time his hands find a place underneath your ass and your arms hook around his neck once again. Joel then pulls you up, your legs latch around his waist, and your face rests in the crook of his neck, now lined with droplets of sweat from the warmth and humidity of the bathroom. You inhale once again, you can’t help it - you’re just so intoxicated by the smell of him, it’s almost an addiction.

But, just as soon as he lifts you up, he’s kneeling down and sitting you on the edge of the bathtub. You pout your lip at the loss of the body contact, your arms still around his neck as he kneels in front of you, his face now parallel to your chest.

“Don’t wanna’ get this wet, do ya?” His voice is deep and low as his hand reaches for the tie at your waist, his fingers slowly pulling the string keeping the piece of clothing together. You chuckle at his sudden confidence change, and you love when he does this, it somehow makes you fall even more in love with him.

His hands rise up to your shoulders and he gently pulls the fabric off of your body, letting the soft robe pile around your ass and thighs. His eyes gaze up and down your bare body, lingering on every inch of your skin like he’s eyeing his food, about to devour.

You slightly shiver from the warm air that hits your bare skin, Joel’s eyes move to your tits and he watches how your nipples perk from the humid air that circulates around the room. He licks his lips and mumbles something to himself, between the heater on the floor and the thumping of your heart in your ears you can’t make out what he’s said.

Both of his hands are placed on the top of your thigh and his thumbs start to do small up and down sort of motions. Your cunt beats at the same rhythm as your heart, a swirling feeling growing stronger in your belly, and you try to move your hips for some sort of friction. But your body is stuck from the grip Joel has on your thighs. You slightly whine and he smiles at seeing you losing your control.

“Now, spin your little self around n’ sink in.”

You do as he says with no hesitation, no questions, and no arguing. When you spin around and sink your feet into the bubbly steaming water, you’re immediately wrapped in warmth. Hhmm, you moan as you shut your eyes and fully submerge your body into the tub, laying your back on the porcelain behind you.

The water is almost at a scalding temperature, but it feels amazing on your skin, immediately relaxing the tension in your limbs that you didn’t even notice before.

“There you go, babygirl’, just relax n’ I’ll be downstairs, yell for me if ya’ need me.”

“Wait-“ you quickly say as your eyes shoot open and you lift your body up, causing your tits to surface from the water with clouds of soapy bubbles over them. Joel stops his movements and looks at you in the bathtub, waiting to hear what you have to say.

“You’re not gonna come in with me?”

Joel’s jaw clenches at your soft voice and the question, “Only if ya’ want me to,” he smirks back at you. All you do is nod and move your body closer to the faucet so he can slide in behind you. He watches the way the water moves with your body, and he starts to strip himself of the basketball shorts and his dark gray t-shirt, dropping them in the pile of your clothes.

Your cunt clenches at the sight of Joel naked in front of you. His chest and belly full of dark hair, his tan skin underneath, his cock hard up against his lower abdomen, and his thick legs beneath - he’s the perfect man, physically and emotionally.

He steps over the ledge and sinks into the same water you’re in, the bubbles and water now only an inch away from spilling over the edge of the tub. He slowly maneuvers your body so your back is against his chest, and you feel his cock lay against your lower back. Your head falls to his shoulder and leans into the crook of his neck, and your hands rest on his thighs that bend on the outside of yours.

Joel’s strong arms hook around your waist, one hand spreads against your lower belly and his right hand lightly grabs your inner thigh and raises it out of the water to hook your calf on the outer edge of the tub. The drastic temperature change between the water and the air causes goosebumps to rise on your skin, and Joel chuckles. You feel the rumble at your back as he does.

“Now, I want you to listen,” he whispers in your ear as he drags his fingers down your thigh and submerges back into the bubbles and water, stopping right at the crease before your mound.

“My moon n’ stars, you’re beautiful inside n’ out.” He bends his face and you feel his stubble tickle your neck as he starts to leave soft kisses between his words. His hands are still on your lower belly and thigh, giving soft squeezes to your skin; the mixture of it all causes soft moans to escape your lips, but you want more.

“You deserve nothin’ but the best things in life,” the hand on your thigh lowers and hovers over your aching cunt; your hips rise to try to feel him, causing the water to spill a little bit.

“My baby’s needy, huh?”

Mhmm, is all you can force yourself to do as you dig your fingers into his thick thighs and bite your bottom lip as you let him continue to leave sloppy kisses on your neck. Your stomach feels like it has dropped into a sinkhole, you’re just waiting for his touch so you can relax that overwhelming feeling. And just like that, his middle and ring finger swipe from your slick hole to your clit, your back arches and a broken moan leaves your throat from the sensation.

“Love when you finally give in, the noises you make,” his two fingers softly circle your clit and your right hand comes up to hook around the back of his head as you turn your face to meet him.

“N’ the way your body moves,” he whispers into your mouth as he kisses you with moans between each one. His fingers swirl slow circles on your clit for a moment before he lowers them and slowly inserts them in your small hole. The moan that leaves your lips is swallowed by Joel’s kisses as he pumps his fingers in and out, “So tight baby, relax,”

You try but you can’t. You’re so overstimulated from his fingers, his palm hitting your clit with each thrust, his cock throbbing behind you, and his other hand now pinching your left nipple.

I love you, my sweet girl, you look so damn pretty when you’re full of my fingers, your cheeks get so flushed and the way you can’t form words, just drunk off of the love.

You’ve never felt so loved before, this was all about you and Joel being able to do things for you - you’re finally starting to understand the appeal of Valentine’s Day. Pure love.

“That’s it darlin’, just like that. I’m right here.”

You break the kiss and lean your face into his neck, arm still wrapped around his head behind you, and you finally let that coil snap. With the last pump of his fingers, your back arches and you feel this tension release in your hips. Joel, fuck, you repeat into his neck as you calm down from the orgasm he just ripped from you, as he continues to slowly thrust his fingers in and out of you.

Shhh, pretty girl, I gotchu, he purrs as his left arm lowers around your waist so you don’t slide down too far into the water.

By now the water has cooled down, and it’s still warm but any longer and the two of you will be laying in a cool bath, which is fun for no one. Joel waits until your breathing has calmed down, and when it does, he taps your thigh that’s still hooked onto the outside of the tub. It jumps a little before you submerge it back into the bath water.

You and Joel chuckle at your body’s response, “You ready, dear?” You lift your face to look into his and you nod with a fucked-out look on yours. “You gotta carry me though,” you laugh as you say it, causing Joel to smile ear-to-ear and a deep laugh leaves his chest, “Was already plannin’ on it baby.”

Joel taps you once again to tell you to lean forward for him to get out, which you do. You watch him grab his black robe off the wall and slip it on as he ties it loosely in front of him. He then goes to grab yours and throws it over his shoulder, his hands then reach for yours to grab onto. You smile as you lift your hands into his and with the help of him pulling, you’re able to stand up and step out of the white tub. Water and suds drip down your body as Joel brings your rope around your body and lets you slide your arms into the soft material, then he ties the string to keep it together.

The smile has not dropped from your face, and you don’t think it will any time soon. Joel now has a softer smile over his, like he sees your opinion changing of valentine's right in front of him.

Joel takes your hand and leads you to the barn door once more as he opens it and tells you to lay down on the king size mattress you two share. Your brain is too foggy to try to refuse, so you climb on the navy comforter that smells of Joel. When you reach the pillows and turn around to lean against the headboard, you notice Joel holding the tray that’s full of the chocolate covered fruits that you forgot about.

Your face lights up as the sight of the chocolate strawberries, pineapples, and melons. So much so that Joel chuckles, I knew you forgot about these. He walks over to the side of the bed and sets the tray on your lap, he then grabs the TV remote that’s on your nightstand and he turns it to the station that plays movies that you always seem to love.

As you shove your face with the fruit, you also watch the guide on the TV as Joel scrolls and you look in the top left corner which reads, “2:48PM”. You almost choke when you realize that you two spent over an hour and a half in the bath, it definitely did not seem that long.

“There it is,” Joel says out loud as he clicks on the 234 channel, “Look at that, Good Will Hunting,” he turns his body to gauge your reaction, which is amazing nonetheless.

“How did-“

“Don’t. A magician never reveals his secrets. Now, I’m gonna’ go start dinner-“

“You’re not gonna watch with me?” You pout, setting down the small strawberry you were about to pop into your mouth.

“I mean, I had a couple more things planned, darlin’.” He replies but he watches your posture and how your eyes lower with sadness, it’s like a gut punch to him to see you like this.

“But if you’d rather sit up here n’ watch this, I’d be more than happy to do that with you.”

Your face brightens when you hear his voice tell you that with pure sincerity. You nod your head quickly, yes, please, baby, spills out of your mouth and you scoot over for him to sit next to you. He chuckles and climbs into the spot you cleared for him. “Wanna’ share?” he asks with a smirk on his face.

The laugh that leaves your chest causes Joel to blush and smile like an idiot. “My bad baby, of course.” You grab the tray and lay half of it on your lap and the other half on Joel’s. You lean into Joel’s side, he lifts his arm and rests it over your opposite shoulder as the two of you watch Matt Damon solve a ridiculous math question.

“So did I change your mind?” Joel’s question vibrates your body against his.

You take a second to answer him, you raise your eyes off of the TV and to Joel’s face where he’s already looking at yours below him.

“Order some Chinese takeout, and you sure did.”

Joel’s laughs and shakes his head, deal, darlin’. The same smile you had from the bath, takes over your face again as you push yourself up to kiss his soft lips.

“I love you, thank you.”

“Anything for you pretty girl, I love you more than the moon n’ stars combined.”

He kisses you one more time before he grabs his phone from his nightstand and goes to the menu for your favorite Chinese restaurant down the street. You bury your body more into Joel’s black robe, and you lower your eyes back to the movie.

Matt Damon bangs on the restaurant window, “You like apples?” The other dude nods his head, and Matt slams the napkin with the girl's number on it on the window, “How do you like them apples?” All his friends laugh as they walk into the street.

#joel miller #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller smut #joel miller x you #joel miller fanfic #joel miller one shot #valentines day #joel miller fic #joel miller imagine #joel miller x female reader #joel miller fanfiction

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dracoxsworld · 1 year

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ARRANGED - Draco M. x Reader PART ONE | “She’ll Do”

You brush your soft hair. Apply a beautiful red shade of lipstick on your even softer lips. You look at yourself in your vanity, the vanity your father built with you when you turned sixteen. You smile at the memory.

Sixteen. Life was so much more simpler, you didn't have the worried you have today at 18. It's crazy how much changes in two years. You take a deep breath in. Today was the day you had been dreading. You and your family are a pure-blood family, and your family intends to keep it that way. Everyone knows your family, everyone. Meaning you have an impossibly high expectation to meet; marry someone you simply don't love. Because you're already in love with someone. Sadly, they don't meet your family's standards. He's half-blooded. You've fought with your parents, multiple times.

"But dad, I love Nicholas!" You beg. Tears burning in your eyes. "Y/N you know how this works. There will be no more arguing. Nicholas is a mud blood."

Mud blood. That's a word that's often thrown around in conversations in your household. Most witches and wizards today will turn in your direction in disbelief/disgust when it's used. But your family doesn't care.

You finish with the rest of your makeup. Today you were going to meet your future husband. The one that's been arranged and assigned to you. Your eyes gaze to an old photograph of you and Nicholas, at the Yule Ball. Tears form in your eyes again. You pick up the photograph gently with your fingers, handling it like fragile glass.

"I promise, Y/N. I will wait for you." Nicholas said, smiling faintly. You couldn't even look him in the eye when your parents refused to let him marry you, and the news broke out about your arranged marriage. "Nicholas, I am so sorry." You sob out. "Hey," he says softly, his hand rubbing your shoulder, the other gently grabbing your chin pulling your face in the direction of him. "It will be okay, Y/N. I love you, we will make it through this." He consoles you.

Nicholas promised you that you’d both somehow figure out a way to be together. You wanted to show him that you were hopeful, but deep down you were aware of what your family is capable of.

Not just your family, but the family you’re being married into. The Malfoy’s. You were marrying their son, Draco.

You and Draco had attended Hogwarts together, the same house, same classes, played Quidditch together on the Slytherin team, but no matter how much coincidental time you spent together; your beliefs could never be the same.

“Y/N, imagine how disappointed your father would be with you if he knew you were still dating that foul mud blood, Nicholas.” Draco would tease you as he saw you and Nicholas holding hands walking down the hall. “Well, you make your father disappointed without even trying, don’t you, Malfoy?” Nicholas would spit back. “Nicholas, he’s not worth it.” You’d whisper.

“Y/N! Are you ready?” You heard your mother call. Almost time. “Almost!” You call back. “Well hurry up, you can’t take all day!”

You sigh. You finish your hair by putting it up in an elegant bun with a hair clip uncreated with diamonds, and added hair spray for support. Your dress was long, and elegant. Dark green with lace around her neck line. Your collar bones poked out with your long necklace in the middle, that matches your hair clip. You were ready, for the worst day of your life.

﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋

You come down the steps of in your opinion, oversized house. Your mom greets you at the bottom. She gasps and he hand covers her mouth. “Oh Y/N.. You look beautiful. Draco will simply melt when he sees you.”

“Gross.” Your mutter in annoyance. “Melvins Beard, Y/N get over yourself! This is for the good of not only the family, but you!” Your mother stressed. “For me? I have already found the love of my life! But he didn’t fit your standards! So I am being forced to marry someone I have no interest in even being friends with!” You blurt out. Your mother just stares at you. If smoke could burst out of her ears, it would.

“Y/N. This is how our family works. This is your life. You were born into the family, and this is the life and rules you live by as a member of this family. Your father and I were arranged.”

“And how did that turn out? You’re both home together all the time but don’t say a single word to each other! You have nothing in common.”

“We created you. We continued to build the empire together. We love each other.” Your mother insisted.

“You’re in denial.” You said finally.

You and your mother left your manor to meet your father, who had already arrived at the Malfoys. "Y/N, before we go in there, please develop an open mind." Your mother said while gently grabbing your hand. "Me have an open mind?" You responded. "I told you the love of my life, and he wasn't good enough for YOU." you say with a harsh tone. Without giving her the chance to respond, you left the car. You walk up to the Malfoy manner. It is so gloomy, almost like a dark cloud is hanging above it. The whole exterior is a pitch black color, the gate to the manor looks terrifying, like the house where you'd accidentally kick your ball into the yard, and wouldn't dare to get it back.

You take a deep breath. Apart of you was scared, another was angry. Either emotion was to not to be shown. A guard goes up to the gate.

"Name?" The man asks, his face covered with his hood. All you can see is his goatee that comes to a point.

"Y/F/N." You huff out, crossing your arms from the cold.

"Congratulations on the marriage, future Mrs. Malfoy." The guard says to you, his yellowing teeth form into a smile. You roll your eyes. The guard opens the gate for you, allowing you to enter. You walk up to the manor, down a long runway. Each side were tall hedges, to hide whatever they hid around their home. You could feel anxiety bubbling in your stomach. You know Voldemort would hide out here from time to time. Yes, the one who shall not be named, has probably walked down the same runway you are right now.

You arrive to the Malfoy’s front door, and knock. Narcissa answers and smiles. “Y/N. The pleasure is mine; welcome to our home.” She said gracefully. Admittedly, Narcissa was beautiful. Her white and black hair, strategically done up together. He bright red lips pop against her pale white skin. “Thank you madam.” You said, bowing at her. You enter in the manor.

“I’ve been told you’re not a fan of the arrangement.” Narcissa says simply, closing the door behind you, then turning towards you.

You sigh. You’re tired of explaining yourself to people who won’t listen. “It’s nothing against Draco personally, but Narcissa- I’ve already met my love.”

“Y/N, how are your parents? They were arranged I’m sure you know.” Narcissa asked, faintly smiling at you.

“They don’t talk. They don’t love each other, married for blood status.” You explained.

“Yes, you see, me and Lucius are the opposite. We love each other. We married for blood status. We were arranged,” Narcissa started. “Correct me if I am wrong, but even when people marry the person they ‘love’ they still divorce, and Lucius and I are an example of an arranged marriage that has turned out lovely.”

You stare at Narcissa. Nothing she said really made you feel better; nor make sense. “Mrs. Malfoy. You and Lucius have the same beliefs, same meaning of life, everything. Draco and I have nothing in common-“

“Did someone say my name?” A voice from the half to the right of you calls. You and Narcissa turn towards the direction of the voice. Draco Malfoy himself comes out of the hall. He stops to look at you, does not react, and continues to walk towards you.

“I guess she’ll do, mother.” He said matter of factly. Narcissa narrowed her eyes at her blonde haired son. “Of course she’ll do, Draco. She’s beautiful.” Draco shrugged.

You scoffed. “I did not spend hours getting ready for a man who I have no interest in marrying just for you to say ‘she’ll do.’” You spit at him.

“She’s sassy.” Draco said, ignoring you. “On we go then,” he added, motioning for you both to follow him to the ball room. Your jaw dropped as you watched him walk off. “Ignore him, he’s not a morning person.” Narcissa said nervously. “Let’s go, dear.” She said after a moment, putting her arm around yours.

You and Narcissa arrive in the ballroom. Lucius and your father are talking near the Malfoy’s thrones. Your father looks at you; and smiles. Your expression doesn’t change from your blank one.

Draco turned around, facing you. He held his hand out, as an offer. You take a deep breath and take it.

He brings you close. “Meet me in the dining area in 10 minutes.” He whispers. You look at him with an eyebrow raised. He gives you a smug look. “Don’t worry darling, I’m not interested in you like that quite yet.” He said, as if he was reading your mind.

“Y/N. Come see Lucius, and where is your mother?” Your father asks. You shrug, and walk up to the men. “I’m not sure, I left her in the car, I’m sure she’ll be here in a moment.” You say, then turn to Lucius. You bow. “Mr.Malfoy.” you greet him.

“Y/N. It’s a pleasure, my dear.” He says in his monotone voice. “Draco is a lucky man, I must say.” Lucius says, eyeing you up and down. You suddenly feel yourself stepping closer to your father. “Yes, she looks just like her mother.” Your dad says nervously. His hand protectively lands on your shoulder.

“You’ll be staying with the Malfoy’s after the wedding, Y/N. Learning how they live; then hopefully, you and Draco will be able to live on your own.” Your father explained to you. You nodded. “You’ll have a choice of our many manors, Y/N. Although, I’m sure Draco already has one in mind that he’s picked.” Lucius added.

“This is crazy. I don’t even want to be in the same room as anybody from the Malfoy family. And now I’ll have to live with them? Nobody told me.” You thought. You then suddenly remember your meeting with Draco. “If you two gentlemen will excuse me, I need to use the ladies room.” You say, smiling at them both. They both nod, and you go off to find the kitchen.

It took a while, but you found it. Draco, dressed in an all black suit with a slytherin pin, his platinum blonde hair, leaning against the counter.

“You’re late.”

#draco malfoy smut #dating draco malfoy #draco fic #draco malfoy #draco angst #draco arranged #draco malfoy x y/n #draco malfoy x reader #harry potter #draco x reader smut #draco x y/n #draco #draco fanfiction #draco malfoy masterlist #draco lucius malfoy

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annexx27 · 2 months

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some fans organized a q&a with ron nyswaner earlier today using twitter space and it was so lovely! he offered some great new insights so i’d definitely recommend to try and find some of the things he said on twitter if you want to know what was being said, because some fans have been tweeting about it! :)

i’ll try to add some things i remember him saying to this post:

- ron talked about the scene in episode 8 where tim tells hawk to go home, and hawk says “it’s not…” and he never finishes his sentence. ron explained that hawk did this because he didn’t want to burden tim. he was gonna say something along the lines of “it’s not what you think it is” (meaning — he goes home to nothing, since lucy had left him). he didn’t want tim to change his plans for him. so that’s beautiful growth in my opinion!

- ron reaaaally loves hawk and he’s so real for that

- ron talked about hawk breaking up with tim. about that it wasn’t just cruel and convenient, but he was also protecting tim. but his big dilemma is that he loves tim. he fears his love for tim. ron also talked about that scene in episode 1 where hawk tells tim to lock the door behind him. he explained that hawk wanted to protect tim from himself, he didn’t want to repeat what happened with kenny.

- ron talked about a deleted scene between marcus and hawk where they talk about how they first met. they met when they were both wounded during the war. if i remember correctly he said it was something about hawk looking at marcus from behind a curtain in the hospital bed. and the dialogue in the scene was something along the lines of hawk saying “i thought you were jerking off” and marcus replying “you hoped”.

- he talked about seeing many people talk about possibly deleted scenes from the beach scene in episode 7. he said the scene wasn’t longer or whatever than what we saw. (i don’t remember this exactly, so i could be wrong!)

- he talked about being a practical writer and constantly wanting to move the story forward (i believe?) so for example that’s why he made the choice to let hawk have a scar. so tim could ask about it and they could have a conversation about it.

- he said his favorite time period was the 70’s because it was relatable for him, and he loved the way the characters looked during the 60’s (especially tim).

- he and jonny had a long conversation about tim’s faith and jonny said that tim’s faith was his anchor.

- he talked about his favorite scenes from each time period. from the 80’s it’s the scene of tim and hawk in the hospital bed, from the 70’s it’s the scene where hawk has a breakdown and tim comforts him & the conversation at the pool, from the 60’s it’s the ending scene where they stare at each other when tim leaves because of the yearning and from the 50’s i’m honestly not sure anymore! maybe someone else can remember :) edit lol I remember again: i think it’s the scene where tim and hawk argue at the cozy corner in episode 1 about their beliefs.

i might add more to this because i’m trying to remember all the things he talked about!

#fellow travelers #hawk x tim #tim x hawk

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msbarrybeeson · 2 years

Text

Don’t | Donnie X Reader

A/N: This was so lovely to write. In my opinion, Donnie would be the most challenging of the four brothers. I think there are specifics to his behavior and personality, so trying to accurately replicate it does take some time. Apologies for any out-of-characterness from Donnie. Remember that constructive criticism is always appreciated, especially for characters, and enjoy!

Requested: @sunnyselks

Summary: You were wounded from protecting Donnie. When you were waving off his demands to treat you, he had to take it into his own hands to tend to you.

Genre: Hurt-Comfort

Reader: Second POV. Gender-neutral pronouns if any.

Pairing: Rise!Donnie X Reader

Warnings: Mentions of blood, needles, cuts. Argument over each other’s safety.

Word Count: ~1060

“Don, I’m fine.”

“Oh, sure, tell me that while your clothes are soaked in blood!” Donnie yelled. “Take off your shirt, (Name), or I’m not letting you leave the grounds of this room.”

“Donnie,” you stressed, clutching the wound on your arm.

“(Name), don’t.”

You turned away from him, about to leave his room despite his warning. “It’s a minor injury, I’m perfectly fi—.”

Suddenly, small chips leeched onto your arm, catching you off-guard. They unfolded into wrist binds, where you realized this was his way of forcing you to stay put.

“Don!” you grunted, as the binds pulled you toward facing a wall. “Are you serious!?”

“As Galileo is about his heliocentric model.” Donnie took a binder clip from one of his desk drawers. “You leave me no choice, (Name).” As soon as the turtle lifted your shirt up from behind, chills ran over your skin from the cold air hitting the other cut on your back. He wrapped the hem over your collar, then proceeded to clip it.

“I could’ve done this myself or gone to a hospital,” you muttered.

Donnie scoffed. “And let them force you to pay expensive bills as your last resort when you have me? I thought you knew better than that.” He cleaned the blood around your wound with a wet paper towel before applying an alcohol wipe to disinfect.

“You know full well you can’t stitch your own back either. You wouldn’t want to risk inquiring your parental guardians for help in the end and being forced to give a whole explanation.”

“...”

From the corner of your eyes, you could see Donnie picking up a needle. The thought of it puncturing you made you shudder. There were vaccinations and blood tests, but they never changed your tension with needles.

You wanted to get this over with— the suspense was only making you more vulnerable.

“Are you going to inject the needle, Donnie—?” Your nails immediately dug into your palm as pain struck. "Argh..!" You winced badly.

“Don’t move,” he paused, “if that wasn’t obvious enough.”

“Easier said than done when I'm not used to having my skin pricked—!” You seethed, “Urgh.. couldn’t you have numbed it?”

“What, with lidocaine?” Donnie replied monotonously. “No, because you wouldn’t learn and would try to save me again—,” he pricked the needle the fourth time, “even though you are a human who could’ve gotten killed— God—why in the name of logic did you do that, (Name)!?”

“I did it to protect you!” you argued.

“Don’t you dare ignore the fact that you could’ve gotten killed!”

“I am capable of my own safety.”

“Scoffs. Think common sense, (Name). You’re a human,” he reminded, the anger in his voice showing. “I’m a mutant turtle; I have the biological features to defend myself!”

“You’re a soft-shelled turtle.”

Donnie stopped moving the needle. "Really, assuming that my soft-shell automatically makes me vulnerable? Are you trying to tell me I’m unable to protect myself because of that, (Name)?”

He frowned. “I have my technology— my intelligence to accommodate, so don’t put yourself in danger whenever the hell possible and let me handle myself. End of discussion.”

You wanted to slam your fists. As he was about to add another stitch, your body shook.

“They destroyed your battle shell!” Anguish scratching your voice. “Just because you're a mutant or because you have your military-grade tech, doesn't mean you won't get murdered, crushed!

God, don’t take it the wrong way. I’m not trying to assume or belittle neither you nor your tech. All I'm concerned about is keeping you alive!”

“...”

“You weakened your voice. “If me getting injured means you’d be okay, then that’s enough for me.”

Donnie’s breath hitched.

..You knew your turtle wasn’t great at apologizing, but his silence told you everything. He didn’t make a snarky or sarcastic remark.. instead, he listened.

“..I’m sorry.”

“I know. But don’t put yourself down.. I never once thought you're supposed to be perfectly strong or invulnerable. That applies to everyone all the same. Flaws happen, whether we're fine with it or not.”

You turned your head to look at Donnie. Something was still bothering him.

“But I’ll try not to scare you again if that makes you feel better.” The tension left his face, and he proceeded to finish the last few stitches.

It was all calm and quiet until he dragged his cold finger lightly over the stitched-up wound. You shuddered.

“You keep flinching so much.”

“You’re one to talk, you’re sensitive to touch as much as I am, if not so much more.”

“No, no, not that. I find it interesting, because.. I don’t see you reacting so violently when April stitched up the other cut on your back. You know, from falling off the table.” As Donnie applied a cotton pad and tape to cover your wound, he looked up to meet your eyes.

But you quickly faced away to the other direction.

Donnie leaned the same way, one of his brows raised.

And you avoided eye-contact yet again.

Ah.

“You’re flustered.”

“What?” The red rushing to your ears.

“Flustered,” he repeated. “Its definition being ‘agitated, confused, ruffled—.’”

“No, I meant: how am I flustered?”

Donnie dragged his finger along your skin again. You felt your face heat up.

“You’re flustered from having your back exposed to me.”

“I’m not.” You sensed his ego returning.

“Tell that to my lie-detector and we’ll see how that goes.”

“You have a polygraph?”

“Of course not,” Donnie actually scoffed. “We all know polygraphs are never accurate enough to be trusted.” He unclipped your shirt and released the binds on your wrists.

You groaned, rubbing your aching hands. “You had me binded to a wall, and lifted my shirt to stitch my cut— so of course— I would feel exposed.. and flustered.” You sat in your turtle's desk chair.

“Yes, exactly, I did that to treat you." He crossed his arms. "And I find that hypocritical, considering you exposed yourself and your whereabouts on the Internet."

You gave him a look, before holding your knees to your chest. There was a change in expression as you whispered, "..Thanks."

Donnie stood awkwardly, rubbing his arm once he heard you and finding sincerity on your face. The soft-shelled turtle stepped closer to you and slowly wrapped his arms around your shoulders.

"Hey, I thought you don't like this intimate stuff," you joked.

Now Donnie himself became flustered. “Don’t, (Name).”

#rottmnt #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt donnie x reader #rottmnt donatello #rise of the tmnt #rise of teenage mutant ninja turtles #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt #rottmnt x reader #reader insert #imagine #fan fiction

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sunnybyler · 1 month

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i’ve been sitting on my thoughts for so long but i just have to get this off my chest. i don’t like to yuck ppls yum so if you like e/riel pls scroll away nd keep having your fun it’s not my problem. however some of y’all can get mean as HELL and as an elucien i have to get this off my chest. (also warning for gwynriels i’m with y’all i defend y’all here however i do go in a bit on az in this so fair warning). i truly have no idea why e/riels cling so hard to the azriel bonus chapter in acosf because that chapter, more than literally anything else in the series, proved to me that e/riel is absolutely NOT going to be endgame. let me explain:

1. it is explicitly stated that azriel did not think of his relationship with elain outside of a sexual nature. i think some ppl get kinda annoyingly puritanical when trying to make this point when it’s like 100% certain lucien had sexual thoughts of elain too. the point isn’t the thoughts themselves. the difference here is the explicit mention that he didn’t consider anything with her outside of that.

2. the point above ^ is further exacerbated by the fact that az did not give a flying fuck if he killed elain’s MATE. even if elain hasn’t accepted the bond, it would still be extremely painful for her based on what we’ve seen with rhys, feyre, and even rhys’s parents (who weren’t good for each other, yet we saw how rhys’s dad lost it when she died). now of course us lucien lovers know damn well he would never in a million years call a blood duel to try to claim elain (and fuck u rhys for saying that, i usually have your back but come ON you are not the only male who can respect their mate’s autonomy). but az doesn’t know that!? in fact seems to agree with rhys that he could. ppl argue on who would win that fight — my opinion hinges 100% on if powers are fully unleashed but that’s not the point at all. no matter WHO wins, elain is going to feel responsible for someone’s death. of course it wouldn’t be her fault if men decided to be fucking stupid, but with the little we know about elain shows that she would feel so guilty if that happened. but azriel doesn’t seem to give af that anyone fighting to the death over her is the last thing she would ever want. not only did az not think of elain outside his fantasies and therefore not fully care for her, but he doesn’t seem to even KNOW elain in this chapter. now, i could go in on this in acosf as a whole. but i’m keeping it to this chapter alone.

3. and further on THAT point, az doesn’t really give any reasoning on his interest in elain outside of this insane “three brothers/three sisters” thing he fully pulled out of his ass. tbh i almost thing this is sjm’s way of addressing the fan theories on that. now i get it to some extent from az’s pov — seeing his brothers happy with these sisters must fuck with your head after you’d all been bachelors together for 500 years. especially considering how he’s felt unworthy of love his whole life and this seems to support that insecurity of his. i get that it makes him feel ostracized from them, and that he’s now an outlier not being with an archeron. i get that. i do. i sympathize with him here. however that does not change the fact that he isn’t speaking of elain like she’s her own individual here — hell he fully calls her “the other”. i think part of this conversation was him being frazzled, i give him a bit more grace than some do (tho he pissed me off BAD in this scene), but we were fully in this man’s head. did he give us a full reason why he liked elain besides his brother’s mates and his sexual thoughts?? they would’ve at least crossed his mind when rhys was grilling them if sjm was trying to set up her next romance here. as it is, we have literally nothing to imply azriel actually likes elain herself and not the idea of being closer with his brothers.

4. az has kinda a habit of ignoring the reality of the women he’s attracted to in some way. he has his own version of them in his head that he puts on a pedestal. now i could do a whole psych eval on this man and how he thinks he’s unworthy of love and therefore only allows himself to have feelings for women he knows/thinks he can’t have. but to focus on this chapter alone, my points above ^ about how he doesn’t really think of elain outside his fantasies/bringing him closer to his brothers and not really understanding her pretty much wraps it up there. i mean he even talks about how he thinks his scarred hands don’t belong on her because she’s so perfect in his eyes. that’s not love, that’s obsession and it’s unhealthy. he clearly thinks himself below elain and ignores that she has her own flaws too.

5. aaaand i saved the biggest for (almost) last….. GWYN. this is a genuine GENUINE question. why in the fucking hell. would sjm make half the chapter focusing on az & gwyn if she was teasing e/riel. like that makes no sense. not to be annoying and mention chekhov's gun but that idea applies to relationships too. i’m sorry but she couldn’t be more explicit about her future romances. you could argue “oh well it’s because there’s gonna be a love triangle”. y’all. elain has. elain has a mate. there already IS a love triangle. there was absolutely no reason for her to bring gwyn into this chapter other than her preparing us for a future relationship, literally none. especially with all the romantic subtext (hell not even subtext, just TEXT). gwyn getting him to talk about himself so easily when he’s so quiet usually, him taking the idea of making her happy and he “buried the image down deep, where it GLOWED QUIETLY” (which SCREAMS mating bond to me but even if it’s not it’s clearly something he cherishes deeply), the SHADOWSINGERS SHADOWS SANG FOR HER!?

6. the fucking necklace regifting. oh it’s bad. OHHH ITS BAD. when the girls realize it’s gonna be SO messy but im hoping sjm doesn’t go the stupid cat fight route bc neither of them did anything wrong. az did. i’m sorry i’m dunking on him so much in this post i rlly don’t hate him i just think he needs like decades of therapy (which tbf don’t we all) which i unfortunately don’t think sjm is going to give him before giving him his romance. but even the biggest azriel lovers have to admit that this was insanity. a few points on it here. first, if it’s so easily regiftable then it couldn’t have been that well thought out in regards to elain. say what you will about lucien’s gifts, even argue that he gave her jewelry too. but elain was actually shown wearing pearls. az’s gift seemed shallow to me — it was something pretty, and elain’s pretty, and it had a flower, and elain gardens. it’s clear lucien put SO much more thought into his gifts, whether he succeeded or not (which i need to remind y’all — we still don’t know. maybe she liked the gifts maybe she didn’t, but regardless she acted the way she did bc of her feelings about the bond, not the gift). and azriel has spent so much more time with elain than lucien has. if that necklace really felt like elain to him, he could’ve kept it or returned it. but nope. buddy gave it to a whole other girl bc he could easily associate it with someone else. he clearly felt some special pull towards gwyn too, going out of his way to give it to her. he had ONE meaningful conversation with her. i already discussed the quote earlier that makes me think mating bond personally. but no matter what, him giving her the same gift he gave someone he was pursuing romantically is a clear sign of what’s to come (and probably a setup for some sort of drama that i don’t think im mentally ready for).

so there we have it! why i think that the bonus chapter thoroughly proves that e/riel is not going to be endgame. i honestly think it’s possible they might be a thing for a minute (tho i could also see this being the closing of that chapter), but i don’t think it’s going to last. sjm just gave us too many blatant hints that elain and az would NOT work together long term, and that azriel in particular is more suited for someone else. i might’ve missed some points bc there is SO much that goes down in this tiny chapter so lmk if there’s other stuff you picked up on!

#elucien #gwynriel #acotar #acosf #acosf bonus chapter #elain archeron #pro elucien #pro gwynriel #gwyneth berdara #azriel #anti e/riel #lucien vanserra #elain x lucien #gwyn x azriel

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moumouton4 · 9 months

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Can you do a Akatsuki a/o and Akatsuki orochimaru and the s/o is a dom in front of the Akatsuki but in the bed.. holy crap orochimaru is such a dom!!!

Holy Crap He Is Such A Dom || Orochimaru x fem!reader

A/n : Hello dearest ! And as always currently I'm going to say, finally. Because it's been a while you requested so here it is ! I hope you'll like it 😍 The chronology of Akatsuki members' arrivals is not respected

A/n 2 : Yeah I liked your request so much it's the title in the fic ( it's like 0,01% of the fic was yours you'll see why lmao 😂 )

With also Itachi, Hidan and Kakuzu ( mention of Sasori )

Warnings : Dom Orochimaru, penetrative sex, spank, hair puling, biting, marking, form of breeding, 18+ READERS ONLY and wrap it before you tap it

Masterlist ⚜

I don’t give permission to repost my work, if you want to share it just reblogue it

Word count : 1233

You've never been the type to get walked on. No kindness was shown to your targets or enemies. You were fierce

Even within the Akatsuki, everyone knew that when you said something once, you didn't like to repeat yourself

Certainly there were moments of laughter and cordiality with some. Long conversations about your motivations, but when it came to the serious stuff, nobody argued with you. Nor tried to control you

You'd been paired up with Kakuzu before Hidan arrived, and well, that hadn't really worked out too well. He is the one to lose his temper pretty quickly, no matter what the situation, and if he had the bad idea of telling you to be quiet - even politely - you'd go off at the drop of a hat

"Erm, I don't think so. Since when do you give me orders ?"

"Not now Y/n. Don't start pissing me off" he growled

"Shut your mouth yourself, it'll give you some rest"

Finally Pain - Nagato - had to separate you and find you a new partner because he didn't want your useless bickering to ruin his plans

After barely 4 months with Akatsuki, everyone had realized that you were dominant kind of woman

"Damn this girl's got some spice" was one of the first things Hidan said when he saw you

"At least she doesn't let herself be pushed around" Itachi tried to calm him down, sensing that the newcomer was about to say something inappropriate

Even Sasori knew that telling you he didn't like to wait was pointless, because you were your own master. And that no matter what he did, you wouldn't budge

Then he arrived and everything changed... well, everything changed behind closed doors

When you heard that Orochimaru was going to join the Akatsuki, it didn't make you neither hot nor cold. You weren't going to change your personality. This was who you were, period

On the other hand, when he arrived, he wasn't disappointed by your assertive personality.

A smirk often appeared on his face when you raised your voice or put your opinion above others

For example, when you were a bit annoyed and wanted something done quickly, he'd say "I'll take care of it right away, Darling" in a silky voice

"Don't you dare calling me that" you'd grumble

"Of course I'd never" he'd say still smirking ( I don't know why I'm having thoughts about Loki Laufeyson lmao )

And that's actually one of those common banter than you both ended up kissing hungrily each other's mouth as if it was your last meal

Hopefully there was nobody around because it was violent. In the sense that you kept bumping into each other ( imagine the 1st sex scene between Buffy and Spike, but without the house collapsing )

Finally you arrived in your room. In the blink of an eye, the two started undressing. Gradually revealing the source of each other's desire

And then your moment took a turn. Damn no ! Not only this moment. Maybe even your personality

You moved past him, placing your hand on his chest and trying to push him down onto the bed

In this kind of situation, you were used to laying your partner down before riding him / her / them - cowgirl supremacy - and you thought it was going to happen like that too. But it didn't

"What are you trying to do, Darling ?" he cooed

You thought he hadn't understood what you were trying to do, "Lie down so I can ri-" but he cut you off

"Oh no I don't think so" and with that he grabbed your arm and pinned you on your stomach on your bed. You could feel his hard cock throbbing against your ass

"What the-" you were a little puzzled and a little annoyed. You were supposed to be on top it's always been like that

"Shhh Pet" he said, speaking the word loud and clear, as if giving you another status "I let you boss me around enough out there. But now it's my turn to steer the ship"

You tried to contradict him, but he spanked your ass hard, making you squeak. Your thighs clenched instinctively. Okay maybe if he was going to be like this all along you should give him some credit. It didn't feel that bad too

You let yourself lie down without resistance. He flashed a big smile behind you "Good girl" he mused

He then grabbed his cock and you felt him rub the tip against your wet folds, making you moan softly "And you're so eager, aren't you ? I bet you secretly like being submitted"

That wasn't really true, but with him it wasn't like with anyone else

He didn't give you time to reply as he suddenly entered you with a hard thrust "Mmmh that's it. You're taking me like a good one"

He didn't really give you much time to adjust to his size. he was way to horny for that - next time surely he would

But you didn't really care. Your face was scarlet. He was right... you rather liked being dominated by him. Not being in control for once. The thrill of the surprise, yes, it was orgasmic.

You felt him pounding inside your tight warmth relentlessly. his hand gripping a handful of your hair while the other was firmly holding your hip. yes tomorrow the spot would surely be bruised

Then his mouth descended towards you. He nipped at your shoulder and neck. He was clearly marking you. There wasn't any going back now. And you secretly wished that was what those bites meant

"Would you mind if I marked you with my release ?" he asked breathlessly. He was a gentleman after all

You didn't answer, you were such a moaning mess. No thoughts in your brain only Orochimaru's harsh thrusts

He pulled your hair a little more roughly making your back arch "Would you ?" he didn't even bother repeating the question - and holy crap he Orochimaru such a dom ( and here I placed it 😂 )

"Y-yes yes ! Please come inside me !"

Your desperate plea made him growl in your ear, sending shivers down your spine "Consider it done then" and with that he picked up his pace. You body pushed flush and almost forcefully against your mattress

The room filled with obscene noises of bodies colliding. When he felt the coil in his stomach burst he pressed his hips forward into your as he spilled his seed inside you. His body, spent, fell on top of yours as he spoke “It’s done. You’re mine now” he then gave a kiss where he has been biting you before closing his eyes

On your side you couldn’t breathe any heavier, you’ve never had such a strong orgasm in… never. Slowly your body relaxed as you let yourself get comfortable on your bed. You could feel his length slowly softening inside of you

You were a bit shocked that you actually like being manhandled - snake handled lmao - but you couldn’t help but be excited for what was to come on your next session

And a if he knew exactly was you were thinking he said on a satisfied tone “And that’s only the beginning”

You were even more excited now… and red too

Taglist : @foxxymunson , @cl0vr, @ilovemanypeople , @glossy1pearl

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simonalkenmayer · 3 months

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So recently Elmo…who is a puppet on a man’s hand, asked people how they were feeling. The response gave us a glimpse into the zeitgeist of this decade. Humans are miserable here.

Larry David, a comedian who plays a character that rants and raves about things, picked on Elmo. Everyone went mad about it. They were willing to extend humanity to Elmo and defend it, but not see the HUMAN as human, nor indeed presume he too is playing a character.

Why am I talking about this?

Reminds me of when some people argued I’m a character, but then proceeded to try and call everything I said either abusive, racist, or ableist. Just for shits and giggles.

You cannot presume a character is giving you truth. Nor can you assume a character is real by sacrificing the human behind it. There’s a serious flaw in how humans think.

If I’m human, it’s a performance for some cause which you do not know, but usually performances are there to either expose truth or comment upon it.

If I’m a monster, then give me the personhood to which I’m entitled and allow me the same chances you have to learn and change my opinions in real time, not that they necessarily need it.

Humans however, splice meaning and reality together as seems fit.

My gentle readers fit into these three categories:

1. Humanize the monster and defend it with everything

2. Be angry at the human using the monster to comment on reality, without ever considering that there may be layers to the artifice, designed to create a specific scenario, a la an experiment.

3. “I’m going to give all that garbage a miss and just accept you as you present yourself”

Guess which one was statistically the smallest group.

Nevertheless, I am me. In this place, you have no idea who that is. You know only what I tell you. I don’t tell you everything because I’m controlling the rules for a reason. Hate me or like me, doesn’t matter. The reality of me will never be what you think it is, because everyone controls their presentation to some degree.

All the world is a stage, and we are merely players. No one knows anyone really. And so…the discussion regarding me, integral to the experiment, finds me much amused no matter the outcome.

This is why I do not have any emotional connection to what you say of me…whatsoever.

Your opinion of me is irrelevant. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings—that your idea of me doesn’t have an affect on me as you wish it would…but ah well….i cannot make myself care.

That has always been so. The point was to find what you thought and why, not care about what you think or why. Not change myself or the artifice to suit you.

You weren’t the focal point of the experiment. Your behavior was.

That’s the problem. You think everything that comes out of you is a) important b) has bearing on reality c) unique or interesting and not a pattern anyone can see if they know what to look for.

It’s not.

Its your own need to have that meaning that gets in the way of accurately interpreting any reality

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girlreblogger · 2 months

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also to add to my previous post, when i say blk yn go through crazy situations im exaggerating but i mean (“cause me personally!!!!!!!!!!!”) allowing the character to be treated in certain manner and be put in “awkward” positions. i also want to say that the “situations” seem unfulfilling like i wanted to say in the first place.

because of the unsavory situations she is put in she legit has to have characteristics that are straight up unnecessary if the wellbeing of her character was prevalent. and i have to say that because of blk yn stories that it applies to. (and no ian talking abt how ppl be complaining abt yn being “ghetto” 😒)

drama, comfort, or for fun, is cool and dandy but it’s the same type of thing and i’m not tryna come for the plug stories like don’t nbgaf like omg i’m so tired of hearing bout them freaking stories.

to the ppl who still decide to ignore how damaging fr CERTAIN! blk yn fics y’all remind me of the ppl who support tyler perry movies simply because it’s for entertainment and “he’s telling a story” (that not everyone has)

yep. those things are true but an impact worse than good is being produced. like bffr.

and i feel conflicted by even saying that because some ppl obviously genuinely relate or find comfort in those stories but at what cost. like is comfort worth change and progression?

me rn:

some ppl just really don’t gaf and don’t care to want better. please don’t let the ppl who don’t gaf sway you. for the ppl who do, reblog nice fics or write. blow them up so other blk girls can find them. we deserve it.

there are so many blk fics where yn is not going through those things and if there is “drama” is solved or there’s a healthy resolve. (there’s so many blk writers who need to be publishing books fuck tumblr or ao3 and tryna get reblogs. with all that talent girl MAKE SOME MONEYYYY! YALL STUFF BE GOOD.)

i’m dead serious. why haven’t you thought abt it.

but yeah. it is what it is we have to put more work in to change as people in general. but i really just want my ppl to grow. ppl find comfort in fics for a reason. i really think a good balance of what everyone is looking for and needs should be found. i know ppl gonna feel like ppl telling them what to do but they prolly the ones who don’t want the change for wtv.. reason… ahem..

ppl feeling hit by what i said:

there’s obviously a problem and as a ppl! why can’t we just fix it. like at least try.

side note:

there’s so many ways to get drama. also the smut after arguing piss me off this is off topic cause it applies to a lot of ppl who make fics but like damn. y’all ain’t gon talk it out. and it be the most weird arguments and stuff and you wanna squeeze lemons after that???

idk that annoys me like everyyyy time? and i think smut after arguments can be well written but ….

anyways the blk ff community to damn big for us to be sitting here starving acting like we don’t have food in the refrigerator to make something.

get it together yall. youn want what’s in the refrigerator go get your keys and buy something.

i’m tired of this shit that’s why so many blk writers stop writing or ppl stop reading because it’s too much going on all for some damn fake characters we wanna imagine ourselves with.

and i know for some ppl it’s abt the followers and all that which i mean to each is own i mean

sigh i was tryna be proper and cordial but i really want better for us but it’s so many ppl who go too far or do too little. and some are so sheep that they go with someone else’s opinion too. you know you tired of all the toxic fics say sumn. you know you tired of ppl constantly bringing up yn being ghetto for no reason (that shit piss me off so bad i can’t. they be so close but so farr) say sumn.

me after thinking someone finna bring up how unnecessary struggle love/toxic/extra smutty blk fics are but they end up just complaining abt yn using aave:

anyways i’m ranting. i wanted to say what i felt.

muah

#x black reader #x black reader fluff #black reader #x black fem reader #anime x black!reader #black fanfiction #aot x black reader #jjk x black reader #connie x black reader #x fem black reader #aot x black y/n #eren x black fem!reader #jjk x black y/n #eren x black reader #black yn #i love using gifs theyre so fun🤭#i said what i said again

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inkpot909 · 7 months

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The Stardust Crusaders’ Picks for a First-Dance Wedding Song Headcanons

↳ Gender Neutral Reader. Joseph Joestar is excluded.

A/n: A chill list of headcanons that came to me at 6 in the morning. Jokes aside, I loved putting this together. Although I admit I am a bit biased since I’ve always loved retro music. I did my best to pick music that coincided with the music the characters each canonically listen to (at least, as far as we’re told).

Warning(s): None.

Jotaro Kujo

-> As the World Falls Down

David Bowie

“As the pain sweeps through

Makes no sense for you

Every thrill is gone

Wasn’t too much fun at all

But I’ll be there for you

As the world falls down”

Canonically speaking, Jotaro’s favorite musician is Toshinobu Kubota. It’s admittedly a rather interesting choice for a man who was a dedicated delinquent in high school.

But music tends to touch people in a special, often times sensitive, manner. And despite looking and acting the way he does, Jotaro’s music preferences are no different.

Yeah, sure, he’s definitely a “whatever’s on the radio” kind of guy, but he has taste.

Separated from others, when he’s in control of the music he’s listening to, his choices give the impression of a casual listener that somehow always has the best picks seemingly with no effort put in at all. Perfectly on brand for Jotaro.

Therefore, he’s likely going to have an unexpected pick.

Therefore, he picks a sappy ballad from an under-appreciated 80s movie. Not because he’s even seen The Labyrinth by any stretch of the imagination, but because he just… likes how it sounds.

He likely heard it one way or another, completely detached from the movie itself, and decided he enjoyed it. Something about the slightly cheesy yet instrumentally enchanting tune gets stuck in his head in a really good way.

There is a reason past “oh, it just sounds nice” as to why he picked it but let’s be honest… he’s going to get a little embarrassed annoyed if he has to explain to you in full detail.

The title pretty much speaks for itself, in his opinion.

Noriaki Kakyoin

-> Every Breath You Take

The Police

“Every move you make

And every vow you break

Every smile you fake

Every claim you stake

I’ll be watching you”

Good god, he’s certainly the Sting fan.

Whether or not you actually like Sting it’s hard to argue against the fact that Kakyoin likely has an overall shit taste in music. Why is this the case? Because he’s been alone the majority of his life and didn’t have any friends to bully him over it.

Not having anyone around him to say “what the hell is this” or just a simple “no” will and has effected him.

He’s the type of guy who claim’s “this album will change your life” before putting on some of the worst pieces of music you’ve ever heard.

Not that he isn’t trying, keep in mind.

This man will stress about what to suggest for days on end. He’s going to take the longest compared to the others in how how much time it takes him to pick. It’ll eat away at his brain, threatening to take every bit of his sanity unless he can think of what he deems as the perfect song he can choose.

And still he manages to not only choose an extremely predictable wedding song, but an insanely creepy one as well.

It’s weirdly charming, in his own odd Noriaki way.

He likely didn’t know what he was doing at the beginning of the relationship due to inexperience, and it’s probably heartwarming to know some things never change.

And it’s completely possible the stalker-ish lyrics of the song didn’t click inside his brain. Not because he doesn’t understand the lyrics per se… but because the poor guy hardly had a grasp on what was actually considered romantic when you first met.

Please, for your own sanity, don’t let the song played at your wedding be one that he picked (with hindsight he’ll probably thank you for it too).

Jean Pierre Polnareff

-> The Air That I Breathe

The Hollies

“Peace came upon me and it

leaves me weak

so sleep, silent angel, go to

sleep

Sometimes

All I need is the air that I breathe

And to love you”

Polnareff’s favorite musician isn’t ever canonically specified, but it’s made pretty clear he’s likely a fan of The Beatles. And considering he went through puberty during the 70s, he’s likely going to lean into that era of music.

Generally speaking, he’s got decent taste. Sure, he’s got the music taste of a white suburban father, but his picks are usually pretty agreeable.

That said, he’s definitely a little high and mighty about it.

He won’t go off on the subject too hard whenever you’re around, but he thinks very highly of his preferences. Polnareff’s a huge victim of nostalgia, and a part of him feels a little elitist for having grown up in the time period that he did.

He has had the song for his first dance picked out in the back of his mind for years, swearing that it would be played at his wedding at some point or another.

Hell, he’s probably got a full roster of music in mind for the reception.

For such a monumental occasion, he’s sure to pick a ballad that starts off slow but crescendos into the chorus- easily the type of romantic tune he’d prefer.

And unlike the others, you may get pushback from him if you don’t want that as your first dance. He’s quite stubborn, generally speaking, and this is no exception to that.

Ultimately though, he would eventually cave and do just about anything you want.

But as stated before, he’s had his mind set on this one for literal years. So certainly expect this to be a somewhat tough conversation to have with him if you prefer something different.

Muhammad Avdol

-> I Love How You Love Me

Claudine Longet

“I love how your eyes close

whenever you kiss me

And when I’m away from you I

love how you miss me

I love the way you always treat

me tenderly

But, darling, most of all I love

how you love me”

Avdol’s music taste is left as a complete mystery in canon.

However, because he runs his own shop, he’s fairly attached to the calming instrumentals he often keeps on at the store. Avdol understands atmosphere well and takes it very seriously.

When he’s not working, it’s not very often that he finds himself listening to music.

But when he does, it’s usually music with soft or ethereal overtones (you cannot tell me he doesn’t listen to Enya). Throw in some charming oldies from the 50s and 60s, and Avdol’s in his element.

To put it simply, easy-listening tunes are his freaking jam.

He also enjoys listening to music from all across the world. Avdol is likely well-traveled, and is undoubtedly knowledgeable on other places and cultures. So the preference comes naturally to him.

He’s going to pick something very romantic and slow. A song that, even if you maybe haven’t heard it before, upon the first time listening you just know it’s meant to be played at a wedding.

And, unlike the others, it would take him less than 24 hours to have made his choice. It’s not that he doesn’t put care into the decision, he just doesn’t like making you wait. He’s quite efficient when it’s something this important.

Regardless, he’s the most flexible of the group when it comes to your tastes, so anything you want is perfectly fine with him.

That said, it has to be a ballad. That’s his main request. Avdol’s eager for your input, sure, but he’s going to want to slow dance with you more than anything else.

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peace-love-and-french-toast · 3 months

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Severus Snape rant

Disclaimer: I don't support JK Rowling's views and I'm not a TERF. TERFs, DNI for you.

Sorry for ranting, y'all. I'll try to keep things quick (note from the future: be warned. I failed). Spoilers and mentions of friendship toxicity and bullying under the cut.

By the way, for this I am generally talking about regular canon. When I discuss things people think about this, the headcanons are generally assumed to go alongside regular canon to complement it. I understand that there are fix-it fics out there where everyone is happy, and while I love that, I'm talking about how JK Rowling let it play out.

UPDATE:

Don’t interact with this post if you only want to insult me/my writing style. I am not accusing anyone of doing this, but I can see that there is a very definitive downward spiral, and I don’t want to see the bottom of it. However, I am willing to listen to arguments until things turn into personal attacks.

I don’t care that much about Snape: just a few lines on a page. I understand people have strong opinions on him (me too!). That’s fine. But I’m a real person, just like all the people on this platform (well, except bots). Let’s embrace that, and focus on the fact that we are all, in the end, Harry Potter fans.

Kat out.

Let me start with this: Severus Snape shouldn't be with Lily.

To keep to the simple stuff and the things most people can agree on first, no one "deserves" Lily. In this post, I was nearly guilty myself of talking like this, but please keep in mind: Lily Evans is not some kind of consolation prize, something given out to whoever is deemed the most worthy, the most angsty, whatever. Regardless of Snape's virtues (or lack of them: but give me a sec) he won't somehow earn the right to be in a romantic pairing with Lily. In all the stuff on the table in terms of how Lily viewed Snape, she wanted a platonic relationship. So that's part of what I have an issue with: talking about canon as if there was any part of romantic thing on the table. Lily never had a crush on Snape. It was a one-sided thing.

Now, to controversy. Let's address some common reasons for why people say Lily shouldn't have ditched Snape and why these shouldn't excuse his behavior. Keep in mind I'm talking about things that happened before Lily's death, because after death doesn't really matter to her. She's dead by then.

Snape had a bad home/school life.

That's true. But he then chose to continue the cycle of pain by joining a pureblood supremacist group and calling fellow students slurs?

2. The Marauders did some terrible stuff to him.

I really need a disclaimer here. THIS WAS TERRIBLE, AND I HATED IT, AND THE MARAUDERS WERE COMPLETELY IN THE WRONG HERE.

But this post isn't defending the Marauders, it's arguing that Lily was justified in choosing to let go of their friendship.

Anyway, this is an irrelevant excuse for why Lily should remain friends with him, because she thought this was terrible too... and then Severus screamed a slur at her when she was trying to help him. Way to go, Snape.

3. He loved Lily.

Hold up. Stop the clock.

Wut.

Okay, this needs to be a new section. Let's call it:

Being In Love With Someone Doesn't Excuse Your Actions Towards Them

Quick story time, cause this section uses an extensive metaphor. IRL, I used to be best friends with this girl. She was toxic and refused to change.

Her excuses for why I should keep hanging out with her?

Current mental health situation.

Things just "slipped out". (Yeah, Snape LITERALLY USED THIS EXACT EXCUSE)

I was really important to her (So was Lily to Snape)

I stopped being friends with this girl regardless, because her actions harmed my mental health, isolated me, etc.

(And before someone says friendship is different etc. she had a crush on me two Valentine's days in a row and I'm unsure if she still does)

These are all excuses. Let's define that word for a second.

"attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense); seek to defend or justify." -Oxford Languages from Google.

Contrast with an apology, where someone actually tries to make things better. Snape constantly gives excuses. His apology comes much, much too late in the form of begging Lily. Now, with my own toxic friend, she also claimed to want to make things better.

In the case of both Snape and Toxic Friend, they'd continually insisted it wasn't their fault, ignoring the problems in the relationship and not making an effort to fix them. By the time Lily and I broke things off, we'd made up our minds. We turned away and felt good about it, because they negatively impacted our lives.

Maybe Snape was in love. Maybe my friend really wanted to be friends with me. Both are probable.

Still, neither followed through on the steps necessary for a good friendship.

Depersonification, aka Lily is a Person Not A Shiny Toy, Severus

Crack open your books, hit play on the movie, or simply recall as we all remember how Snape looked at Lily.

In the books (won't mention the movies because I didn't watch them) he looks at Lily and Harry sees "undisguised greed" in his eyes. Um...

Snape's fine with hurting Petunia, figuratively and literally.

He ignores what Lily is actually trying to say to him once she tells him what he wants to hear.

And calling her Mudblood. (Can't help myself interrupting here: I myself never 'just accidentally' call someone a racial slur. That's because I don't use them, so they aren't exactly waiting on the tip of my tongue).

All of the things he does are in there for a reason. JK Rowling is trying to unsettle us, and she succeeded. Snape seems to view Lily as an accomplishment, an achievement, a plaything to be admired.

Why?

He never takes Lily's feelings into consideration. Not once until it negatively impacts him. Look at where he comforts Lily: when it looks like they've made a mistake and hurt Petunia.

When Lily gives up on him.

And I know: there was more, there was more, there was more.

Potions homework done together.

Eager chatter between classes.

It's not black and white.

But these are the scenes JK Rowling has decided will give you the best impression of their friendship. She didn't pick tender scenes with cocoa and cookies because that isn't a theme in this friendship.

And onwards to:

They Used To Be Friends, Why Did Lily Stop Talking To Him Like This

It's hard to know what a person is truly like. You only know what people show you, and they hold back the worst of themselves at first. In Lily's first scenes, she doesn't know everything. She doesn't see the greedy looks he gives her. He is a new boy about her age who understands her like nobody else in town could.

Years go by. He calls people like her "Mudblood", he makes friends with awful classmates who do illegal and immoral things and are rumored to be training for war. The other side of the war, the one that kills people.

He shows her the worse sides.

By the time he calls her Mudblood, she has already tried to stop him from going down the wrong path. He's ignored her and ignored her and she finally snaps.

Can you blame her?

This apology seems like yet another excuse, a means to an end of keeping her by his side.

She's had enough.

Conclusion

So concludes the saga of Lily and Severus.

As he makes his decisions and she hers, Lily perishes saving a son whom Snape will later torment in her classes.

Harry grows up.

Snape oversees the creation of a school designed for indoctrination, watching passively as cruciatus curses are dished out. Her son meets him on the battlefield.

Voldemort gets to Snape first.

And thus, Snape meets his end.

And that's it, because things work out like that sometimes. Snape chose his path in life. Lily responded accordingly. And years later, he continued to stay stagnant in character growth, even becoming a child's worst fear from his unequally distributed cruelty.

A note:

If you disagree, feel free to debate me! I enjoy calm discussions. HOWEVER, please remember that we are all, in the end, people with lives and feelings, so don’t scream at me if you don’t agree with what I’ve said here.

#severus snape #harry potter #anti severus snape #snape #lily evans #lily potter #lily evans potter #long post #rant post #toxic relationship #don’t hate me #snape and lily #snily #severus and lily

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grapejuicestyless · 8 months

Note

Conrad Fisher !!😭✌🏻

request: reader has had a crush on conrad since she was little and everybody knows it and one night they all get drunk on the beach and she admits it in front of everyone

You’re Everything To Me.

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

ANGST!

Summery: All of her life, Y/n has always known Conrad was it for her. Unfortunately for her, her best friend, Belly begins to take a liking to him as well. She never imagined having to compete for Conrad, but when Belly changes one summer, so does she.

Sometimes I wake up in a sweat, nightmares keeping me awake that are fueled simply by the unshakable feeling that this summer could be the end of it all.

The shower, in the car, in the mirror before bed. I pick apart my skin beneath my fingers. I rub the pads of my thumb under my eyes, I smooth over the wrinkles by my smile. I comb through my hair and straighten out my back. I examine my smile, pick apart the way my teeth show, the way my eyes shift. I despise the way my nose crinkles up and how my eyebrows move. I hate the way I feel about myself, like I am not enough. I should cherish my body. The way it dips and curves. I should love the skin on my stomach and the dimples in my back. It makes me feel guilty that I am so unhappy with something I am so blessed to have.

I try to be tough, I say I don’t care. But I could never let this go, I can’t be strong. I hold onto every detail of my body like my life depends on it. I hear my teachers and my friends, my sister and my brother. I hear them all complaining and suddenly their voices become the ones in my head. The ones the shame me and tear me apart. Suddenly, I am no longer just enough, I am slipping away and there’s no telling why.

It doesn’t help how sick I’ve fallen over my best friend. The blonde haired boy with a slump in his shoulders and a dusty blue shirt hanging over his chest. He has the most contagious smile and the deepest blue eyes I’d ever seen. He never made me feel out of place, but seeing his type, the ones he so desperately chases each summer, I can’t help but to notice how different I am from the women he brings home. Even after each heartbreak, each further push into my own head I still, he’s still everything to me. His opinions, his feelings. I hold them over my own as I have never loved someone as hard or as true. As long or as consuming.

It was never a secret as to what I felt towards him. The puppy dog eyes and the way my cheeks would heat up. How my actions differed to make him like me more. Susannah told me it was romantic, Laurel called me an idiot for falling so hard. She said one day the pit would find its bottom and I would fracture my spine. I wouldn’t be able to feel my legs and I would crumble from the situation I was putting myself in. Even then, I argued against her. I told her it wouldn’t end so sourly. I wouldn’t allow it.

How naive I was to believe I had the power. I can only control myself, how did I expect to be able to stop everyone else from changing, from hurting.

Belly came home to the summer house this summer, her hair was silkier. Her eyes brighter and eyelashes longer. Her teeth were perfect, much more than mine. Her braces were gone and so were her glasses. I swore I could see a sparkling glow outlining her body when she stepped out of the car. At first I was happy for her, happy she had grown into herself and finally realized how beautiful she had always been. Ditched her insecurities, the same ones I still dealt with each second of every hour.

I remember having looked back to find Jeremiah. How excited he would be to see how she’d grown up. He always payed extra attention to her. Not in the same nurturing way Conrad did, but he still held onto everything she did, everything she said or cried about and kept it locked in a safe place in his brain. I didn’t find Jeremiah, though. No, the curly headed boy wasn’t the one I was looking at. It was the salt water blonde waves and sunburnt cheeks I found already standing behind me. His eyes wide and mouth opened. He looked almost shocked by what he saw. His younger sister in a way, growing up into another woman he could love.

The bottom of the pit grew closer and closer everyday since that moment. How my best friend, the boy that used to beg to hide away from the world so it could be just us forever, started bringing around her. It felt like my entire world had changed. It felt like in a sense he had brought a girl into our metaphorical bed. Our inside jokes were shared. They didn’t feel secret now that she was telling them. They weren’t funny coming out of her mouth. I should love this, I love her. She’s my sister in so many ways but I can’t help but hate her.

Hate the way she whispers in his ear, how he smiles back at her and laughs. How not only had we lost our jokes but now they had their own. My spot next to him in the car became hers. The boardwalk showdown became their competition. The beach was no longer our spot. It was theirs. With each day, he found more ways to include her in what we were doing. We were never alone. The more they laughed, the more they touched, the more and more I gave into my thoughts. Meals became bland, calories counted to precision. My hair was always down to cover the back of my neck. I felt so insecure, so unhappy.

I could feel the end approaching between Conrad and I. The shock waves passing through my bones, adrenaline rushing to prepare for the crash. My limbs shook every time he was near. They never did that before. The way my breath would hitch, my eyes would water. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. It was no longer just about my dislike towards Belly, but more to my own towards him.

Everyone always commented on how obvious it was. Jeremiah used to tease me over how I’d fallen for the most boring person alive. To me, he wasn’t boring. Everything he did held so much meaning. Now I’m starting to believe it was just me overthinking it. Giving him more credit than what was due out of my own sick mind and my obsession with him.

Steven always said we would be perfect together. How his sister was too young, too immature. He loved her, we all knew it, he was so protective over who she could see. He was a great older brother but even he knew that no one could give and give like what I had done for Conrad. Nobody could love him the way I did. He knew what I felt from elementary school. Before I did. I was just so obvious. But this was all before Belly became Conrad’s standards of beautiful. Maybe that statement held no water anymore.

The worst part was Belly knew it too. I confided to her for years. Cried in her lap over how destroyed I was over his new girlfriend. How angry it made me feel to know I wasn’t enough and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t change my nose or my cheeks. I have no power over how big the gap between my thighs is, losing weight isn’t enough anymore. Each time she consoled me. Reassured me how one day he would see me and how great I was. She knew, she knew it was so much more than some unrequited love story. Yet, she still went for him.

I always knew deep down Belly had a small crush on Conrad. For her, Jeremiah was never enough. Her love might be stronger for the tanner, happier brother, but he didn’t give her the same complexity’s that Conrad did. He didn’t make her think as hard or push her as far. It was like I didn’t even matter when she made the decision between them in her head. All the late nights and the red noses from the backs of our hands and the endless tissues scattered weren’t of any importance to her. She could care less watching me fall apart. Even if it wasn’t official yet, by doing so she had lost her right to the title of best friend in the story of my life.

Her eyes watched mine, the way they watered and shined, avoidant of their quick touches and gushy eyes. How my heart broke watching his eyes flicker down to her lips, how hers did the same. I couldn’t bare to think about what would happen if I weren’t there to clear my throat or announce something that wasn’t all that interesting in the distance. Each time Conrad played into it, giving me his divided attention and Belly would mumble something that he couldn’t quite hear.

Everything this summer led me to this very moment, stumbling and batting my eyelashes at some stranger who showed me just an ounce of attention. He was no Conrad, god, how could anyone ever compare to him? He hung the moon and the stars and he painted the universe with his best blues and purples. The constellations were his works of art and the birds were his friends. He was the reason for everything to me but, the man in front of me was so much older and wiser. He was beautiful. Tanned and fit. He had scruff on his jawline and under his nose, his hair was messy and eyes a gorgeous green.

Sober me would have never bought into the game he was playing. She would have pushed away the hand that rested so easily on the curve of my ass. She would have never let him talk her into drinking. Not when she knew that she wasn’t eating, wasn’t strong enough to hold it down and would instantly fall victim to the strong beverage in the red solo cup. But I wasn’t sober, and I wasn’t stable. I was hurting, the touch of someone else even under false circumstances made my heart ache just a little bit less.

Stumbling into him a little, we shared a laugh, I let out a soft apology and he waved it off. He didn’t care so much, he wasn’t complicated. He was a potential hookup at a bone fire and a damn good distraction. I had no reason to feel so much pressure to be great around him.

A silence fell over us. His hands moving back to where they were before he had to help stable me. He squeezed at my skin, molding it rough under his fingertips. Part of me felt dirty for doing this. Being so insecure I allowed myself to give into someone who was such a inappropriate match for me. I got lost in his eyes anyways. Even if it was a fake loss of direction, even if I knew what I was doing, I let myself become swallowed whole by him. I allowed gravity to pull him towards me, my feet rising to my tip toes, I didn’t think about how his lips felt once going in for it, I didn’t process how he smelled or if he had dimples or not. I just went for it.

The touch of his mouth on mine was rough, dry. His lips felt like stone against mine. It was gross and unfulfilling yet I pushed forward and let him consume and take whatever he wanted from me. I let him use me out of my own selfish need to heal. To forget. His lips were ripped from mine, the hand that was rested on his arm pulled away, our bodies separated roughly.

“What the hell!” I was shocked more than angry, looking back at the guy who was now looking at me with the same look. It took a second for my feet to catch up with my body. For my brain to process who was so quick to tear me away from the best chance I had of letting go of Conrad for tonight. As if it were fate, the culprit was him.

“Conrad let me go!” I thrashed in his hold, pushing off the sand to try and get away. Hide away in the crowd and slip out of his sight. He didn’t speak, he didn’t even look me in my eyes.

I always dreamed of how it would feel to have his arms around me. Having him holding my waist as he spun me. How I would lean down and kiss him just because I love him that much. He would kiss me back because he would love me that much too. I never imagined this is how it would happen. His hands clasping around his own wrist while he lifted me up and rushed to a more private area.

“N-no!” I slurred, managing to claw at his skin enough to get him off of me. The sand was soft. In a way, my body hitting the ground below felt like the bottom of the pit Laurel had described. The bottom was finally here and it was my own fault for going down there in the first place. I was dying.

Even with the scene I was making, he still tried to help me up. He looked so concerned, so worried about me. Like he wanted nothing more to make everything okay. His hands touched my skin so soft, it reminded me why sober me never did like the way hookups would grab at me so rough. Conrad was always so gentle with me. So calm, so patient.

I didn’t want to push him away but he made me feel so pathetic, so childish then and I was so angry. My hands pushed him away. I pushed him away like how I was trying to push my feeling away.

“No, get the fuck away.” My words were sloppy but harsh. Even while standing on wobbly legs I felt confident that I wouldn’t need his support anymore. I just wouldn’t look at him in the eyes.

“Y/n, you’re drunk.” He tried to reason, hands waving to try and calm me down. A crowd was forming. I could see Jeremiah and Steven rushing down to us, ready to help Conrad in sobering me up, containing me. It made me even more angry how it was so wrong for me to feel like this. How it was so embarrassing how I was so crushed over everything that happened this summer. I was made to feel guilty about things I had no control over.

“Conrad, you don’t get it.” I looked to the sky to contain my tears. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to feel weak anymore.

“I do, I do.” He assured me, moving closer with each step I took away from him. He was talking about my current sobriety, he didn’t know any better that it was so much more.

“No, no you don’t.” I begged him to understand. I hated myself for crying, I felt so small underneath him when I cried. So inferior and childish compared to him. It made me feel sick.

The invisible room that held us fell quiet, his eyes searching my face, wondering what was getting me so worked up. Why was I crying? What had happened? My feet worked faster than my head, I took a staggering breath in.

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I can’t feel like this anymore, Conrad.” In my head I always called him Conrad, it made everything seem so much more mature and real. Maybe that’s why I didn’t call him the nickname he adored so much then. In some way, the weak feeling that my crying made me feel was balanced out by the lack of the informal nickname, Con.

“Feel like what?” He wasn’t yelling, but his voice was raised. Not because he was mad, but because he was confused. I knew this because I know Conrad. Like Jeremiah does with Belly, I keep each detail locked away for safe keeping. I memorized what he does and who he is. Unlike Jeremiah, I do not keep Conrad locked away in my head. Everything Conrad has a home in my heart.

“Like I’m drowning around you!” I begged for him to see what I meant. If my tears and my hiccups weren’t enough of a reason for him to try harder to understand there was no getting through to him. He simply shook his head then, not knowing what to say.

“Y/n what is wrong with you?” He responded in the only way he knew how, with authority and anger. He wasn’t really angry, but Conrad didn’t know how to express that. He only knew how to push away and string along. He didn’t have it in him to show just how compassionate and caring I knew him to always be.

In my little drunk head I only felt more pain, more anger, more sadness. Too emotional to try and tell him everything that was wrong. But instead it all built and built until it came out. I wanted to vomit with how worked up I was. I could feel everyone’s eyes burning into my body, but most importantly I could feel his.

“I don’t want to love you anymore.” It came out weakly. It was like admitting it now out loud, I had suddenly lost all fight I had. Coming to terms with something I knew I was feeling for awhile but never had the guts to say out loud.

“…What?” His voice shook. It was like watching his face drain of any color, eyes wide just as they were when Belly had showed up in June and caught his eyes. His mouth was open and eyes brows furrowed. He looked so lost, so confused and conflicted. How could he have been so oblivious? Did he really not care that much to never pay enough attention to see it?

“Don’t make me repeat it.” I pleaded more quietly, sucking in a harsh breath and breathing out with a huff. My top lip tucked itself under my teeth, I drew blood and swallowed. When it settled back on my face normally, I felt bite marks.

“I have spent every summer trying to be something you might like because I am so fucking in love with you that it physically hurts me to even imagine how you’ll leave me. I hate how rotten my mind has become by me getting so addicted to you. I’m jealous and I’m bitter and I’m hurting and you can’t even see that! And I’m angry because we can’t even fight about it because the people that are hurting me the most are my best friends! Maybe if we could argue, if you knew…” I choked on air, trying to find grounding to hold me down. Keep me from slipping. My eyes left his, I had to clear them, make them see I would be okay. I found Steven and Jeremiah watching me. I knew it would be okay. They would defend my honor to the whole damn nation if it came to it.

“If you knew how much I care. If I knew you gave a damn about how I act, what I do, maybe I could convince myself that you seeing someone who isn’t me would hurt less.” My hands hit my sides, my lips quivered. If my heart wasn’t broken then, it was now seeing how Conrad still couldn’t find it in him to fight me even while I explicitly asked for it.

“All I do is try, and try, and try to make you happy. I hold my tongue, I support you and I hold you while you cry about the next girl who broke your heart. I’ve tried to stop loving you and I don’t know why I can’t. I’m an idiot for thinking anyone else could take your place but I’m even bigger of an idiot for giving you that place to begin with. And I’m done with it, Conrad. I can’t keep tearing myself apart for you. I can’t and I’m not sorry about it anymore.” For a second I waited for what he had to say. I waited and waited but it never came. He stood there and accepted what I had to say silently and showed no fight against it. My head shook quickly and my shoulder brushed his. I could sit there and beg him to care about something he clearly didn’t want to fight for.

“Y/n…” His voice was drawn out, I could tell he had turned to face me because his voice was clearer than before. If I turned then, I would surely crumble underneath his fingers again. I would submit myself to the torture I had just so openly screamed about to the whole town. Airing out the wounds that bled so intensely down my skin.

Passing the boy, I could see fully behind his taller frame. I could make out the teary eyed expression that Belly wore on her face. She looked stiff, shocked by all I had to say. Like she hadn’t expected me to tell Conrad my feels ever. Keep it like a dirty secret and let it consume me until I would inevitably die alone in her perfect fantasy.

My feet stopped in front of her and though I wanted to hit her, beat her until she could feel what I felt each time she purposefully broke my heart by having the privilege to love the man I so deeply adored but it was already over. I was already dead, there was no reason for me to invite her to the wake.

“Y/n.” She started, I could hear it.

“Congratulations, Belly. Conrad’s all yours.” I nodded my head bitterly, sniffling and wiping away my tears violently. I didn’t want her to know that she was sort of the reason I was so angry. She didn’t deserve to comfort me anymore. If she wanted that privilege, she shouldn’t have went behind my back.

“No, Y/n that’s now what I want.” She tried to reason with me, hands raised to try and stop me, even if I wasn’t moving.

“It’s too late then, isn’t it?” My words were venomous falling from my mouth. Fueled by pure betrayal and heartbreak. I couldn’t look at her anymore. Conrad wasn’t mine and neither was she. Belly had made her choice even if she hadn’t meant to. I was constantly upset feeling so immature with how I was handling her and Conrad. Self loathing in how much I hated my body. How the longer they flirted the less I ate and the more I picked myself apart. Each laugh made my teeth look more yellow, each look made my hips look wider. I am so tough on the outside but I become mush when I am alone until I am nothing but a puddle in their hands.

Walking past her on the beach, they didn’t try to chase me. All I heard was distant yelling and a following silence. A rift that was being created by the undying love I held for Conrad between the happy couple and the only ones who had my back, Steven and Jeremiah.

But it was no longer my problem. I would hurt openly. I would let them hear my sobs, I would not try to hide how I felt simply so they wouldn’t have to live with the guilt of what they did to me.

#conrad fisher #conrad fisher angst #conrad x reader #tsitp conrad #tsitp jeremiah #tsitp x reader #tsitp x y/n #conrad x you #tsitp season 2 #steven conklin #isabel conklin #jeremiah fisher

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underfart-snas · 9 months

Text

i’m going to preface this by saying this will be hard to read. for those who have had to deal with a lot of familial trauma, csa, and various other things really. you’re being warned now.

it is not anything fun, light, or happy. i will not answer questions from anyone. i will not stop people from their comments or tags but i will not look at opinions or attempt to change them. good or bad, i’m too tired to change anyone’s minds or matters on the subject. while i am regretful and sorry for many things, i know this won’t change much.

i’m not looking for forgiveness. i'm looking for closure.

i will not argue on how i’m a good person, or how any behavior in the past was justifiable or right. it was wrong. i still fuck up to this day trying to be human. at this point, all i want is to speak up about what i had to go through and why things ended the way they did with hopefully a more clear sense of perspective as to why i made what i did. and then i would like to move on.

flowerfell ended in disaster from all sides. a story i, the friends i made along with it and worked deeply with during it all, held very dear for our own reasons. be it to express the hardship of survival, to cope with the progression of loss, or having hope in finding small things to live for and learning to find love in friendships, family or otherwise that we couldn’t have in life. it was a big story for everyone, and i understand not everyone got the message. people have not been kind. i’ve seen equal sides of good and bad come from it.

i won’t argue about the shipping aspects. people are right in believing i liked what i liked, and whether or not they hated that was up to them. i had my personal reasons and i never intended for it to be a malicious thing, but i understand people’s headstrong thoughts on the canons or otherwise. I didn't like to go out of my way to shove it in people's faces, which is why i scrapped later stories that were pressured to be frans related and instead made them into personal characters.

it’s fucked up seeing people get chased and hurt over fictional things. things that aren’t physically harming anyone, at least when they’re contained properly. things you shouldn’t be actively looking for if you don’t like it. things that people may actually be doing to cope with their own trauma. i watch so many people looking for hate, or reasons to be angry. i think that adds to much sadness overall. i can’t say much for those who don’t go about tagging things properly for those who don’t want to see things other than "please work on that."

when i played undertale, i lived vicariously through frisk as i played. they were quite frankly, a blank slate. i was able to self-insert in a way. due to story aspects, i felt the monsters were like... old old. like ancient beings that lived lives unfathomably long beyond the human lifespan. beyond the passage of time.

i fell in love with characters and aspects and ideas it gave. i fell in love with it’s world, the possibility of other worlds like it, and exciting wacky hijinks. i took interest in others making au's and thought about how i could make my own. what my own life lacked or couldn’t give me. the family and friends i found through it.

toby really kicked everyone’s ass with this one, and i hope he does it again and again. and i pray he continues to succeed. because he made something beautiful.

now for what i had to deal with, during the failed attempt of making my story…

i have had to process a lot of neglect from family and home in recent years. though i’m older now, it still hurts. things still linger and sting harder than they should. they say it gets better but it really sticks and comes back in many ways that make life so much harder than it should be. it’s only made harder when people want you to be better, but it takes time to get there. sometimes people can't be with each other because of it, which is something i've had to learn over and over again. it takes so much time and it takes it away from everything you hope can be good and great in your life.

growing up was a nightmare. i’ve had to grow up with abandonment from my mom. neglect from my dad. i've had to deal with them trying to reach back out and my feelings on whether or not it's deserved. or if i'm even ready to handle it yet. many times i'm not.

i’ve had to deal with surgery to fix my body from disgusting and life ending deformation as a toddler which still leaves scars on my body today. my family has told me i’m lucky to even be alive. sometimes i almost wish it took me, because the world is cruel. but at the same time, i want to live so, so badly.

i’ve had to deal with manipulation and rape from someone almost ten years older than me in household when i was just a child. from five to nine. threats of being compliant and not to speak up or else my life was in danger. being physically trapped for hours while my body was a tool. later this fell onto another child of a caretaker for my sister, which is the only reason i got away from it. so i never got the chance to speak up myself and that effects me to this day. i was told years later this same thing happened to my older, severely autistic sister prior. someone who literally cannot verbally communicate or function without help from another. my grandmother telling me she left before because my father didn’t believe her. this all meaning, this is something that could have never happened.

i've had to handle my grandmother’s physical and verbal abuse for the rest of the those years after she came back to take care of my sister. my sister didn't escape abuse either. i would be stuck listening to her convince me as i got older and barely making it out of school that wouldn’t ever survive on my own. that i would never make it. that i would never find love. that i’d be eating fucking “saltines and ketchup” on the streets. i’ve had to deal with eating disorder because of her and various other disgusting shit i don’t want to add that the fear had made me succumb to. i didn’t leave my room for days at a time unless i was forced to. i didn’t sleep properly, to the point of passing out for minutes at a time. anyone who used to come to streams would know, i used to fall asleep while drawing with my brother. in many ways, my grandmother has made me so functionally stagnant, which is so hard to combat now.

cutting out all the general silliness and nonsense i would make just to smile once in a while, my art and flowerfell was an escape for me. it was a way to express my pain and hope that there was some sort of out. that there were friends to be made and love to be had. family to be found. that if you’re strong enough maybe you can be redeemable and make it to the end. frisk was hope. sans was strength. and all of the friends they were supposed to make along the way were support.

but at the same time, i clearly wasn’t able to handle the scale of what it became. i wasn’t ready for the crowd, i wasn’t ready to make a coherent and straight story, and was too giving and lenient. i wasn't ready for the "godlihood" people were pressing on me when i was just a normal person. it made making real friends a hassle. i didn't know who was honest or using me. many people have used me.

i was scared after it fell apart and got toxic. that people can take and twist and hate no matter how hard you try. i didn’t understand a lot of things back then or how to defend myself. i didn't understand how to combat theft, i didn't understand fiction kin, i didn't understand self care or boundaries for others and myself. i didn't understand a lot of things. i try really hard to understand now.

for all intents and purposes, it was getting septic. i was getting septic at that time and for some time after. and because of that i lost not only my story, but my friends and my sanity. i wasn’t able to keep it together for them or myself. i was hurt and hurting others by proxy. and i am so sorry for it. all of it.

i was only saved by finally being taken away from home by someone who actually took a chance on me. someone who made time for me even when i was getting reclusive. someone who loves me through all of that even if i hurt them terribly in the process, and may even still in all the faults i'm working on. despite everything, they're still with me today.

to this day i find flowerfell hard to look at without feeling various stages of grief. i have many degrees of anger and sadness, at times hopeless acceptance. not necessarily towards anyone anymore, but that i was unable to finish it. or felt i was unable to. that i'm unable to surpass it. that i was so fearful of loss and parts of myself being taken away when i already felt i had so little. how it blinded me to what good i had at so many times. how it’s destroyed my ability to create and fall in love with characters i like or make, and their worlds. no matter how hard i try now. that it’s taken my ability to trust, communicate, and form steady relationships with people. how it effects even those who have stayed and try so hard. that it’s taken my ability to share and feel safe doing so. even with people i'm close with today.

even situations on how helpful it’s been for people over the years, and deeper connections to self or others they’ve found in the progression of time because of it. i’m not unhappy for those who have, i’m grateful that people have found their hearts in it. it was made with unfathomable love and there’s incredible pain on having given up continuing what could have been more. what else people could have connected with or felt. there was so much i didn’t get to share, and got too angry and scared to give.

i grew to believe people didn’t deserve it anymore because of what i and my friends at the time were going through. i no longer wanted to feel hurt. i no longer wanted my friends to be hurt. and i violently took it away into myself, which has hurt me even more over the years.

i want to believe people would have liked the ending, and anything that would come after that. it was going to have a good ending.

later i would find the fear of parts being taken would be connected to discovering plurality in myself, and recently finding out in therapy i’m probably not too separated from my sister in being on the spectrum, adding to all of that and more. i’d have to process that feelings became separated and another struggle to deal with. that i was dissociating from everything so hard these feelings are expressed as their own apart from me, but still with me. that this was my way of not being alone with what i had. it is not a kind thing. while they're like family to me, it is also a cage.

it would take me years to actually discover what this was properly, having to go through a whole ordeal of manipulation and problems from that alone. i would have to deal with them also being stolen and taken advantage of due to complacency and misunderstanding. which has made every bit of fear with what came before twice as difficult. however, i've also had good people along the way, and i hope they stay with me for a very long time.

because of this i’ve learned a lot about systems and kinships and reasons why these exist. how these things can make people feel at home. i have changed a lot of views on it and how these things help people, even if they’re strange at times… i’m not mad about it anymore. if it helps people it helps people. other people are trying to survive too. i just ask people be respectful about it.

i don’t hate fanart or others trying to make stories anymore. as someone who struggles now with even a fraction of creating any amount of work i used to, i’m more glad than not that it’s encouraging people to improve and move forward. but i won’t ever accept discredit because at the root it is mine still. i made this for myself before i made it for others. it will always be a part of me, even if painful now.

i’m just tired. i’m tired and i hope over time i’ll be able to rest.

sigh.

to kaze, your document is faithful and i won’t argue that any of it is wrong or malicious. there was a lot missing from that video that could and should have been added. it wasn't just about shipping, but a lot more. i hope people will leave you and others alone about flowerfell and ship nonsense at the end of the day. especially when your stories were wonderful and aren’t hurting anyone. while we’re not on good terms, i do wish them a very "fuck off and move on."

however, i will not accept the statement that you were helpful to my mental health, or to others involved to begin with. trying to be, maybe, but it faltered.

apart from encouraging anger towards the fanbase either on my or by your own hands, flipping the switch between telling me to keep going and giving up. you fully took advantage of the complacency i had to go through at home to survive and had to unlearn for many years prior. you weaponized your problems at home onto us. this compiled everything, probably for both of us. this would only continue on to my system in many ways.

you actively encouraged suicidal behavior within the group, provoking my brother into a pact at his lowest. you took advantage of me and my brother mentally and sexually. knowing full well of our issues and my own csa, you still crossed lines. doing or sharing things without warning or prior consent and conversation, at times even within public groups. fighting back or saying something about these things were difficult because everyone was sensitive at the time. even if things were jokes at times, it didn't always come across that way.

i watched blind fight so hard for you in many ways even when they were struggling so badly with their own physical health, even staying in the end. i don't know if they're doing well or are still there now which is another string of worries.

what hurt the most is that for years you blamed me for an attempt because i “didn’t love you enough to talk to you or be honest” and held it over my head instead of explaining until the very last second before i left that it was because of home. you continued to comment in ways up until that point, then deleting things as if i couldn’t see logs. every single day i thought you were going to just be gone in an instant without warning. that i and others would lose one of our best friends. i grew so afraid of talking to you because of this. i was scared to hurt people more in anger of that. it is still something that terrifies me to this day.

flowerfell wasn’t the break of our friendship, it was the inability to handle the weight of taking care of someone who was unwilling to work on themself on top of all of that, while being unable to take care of myself at the same time. not being enough. that nothing of what little i could give would ever fix what was happening, and that i was being used as an escape method. much like my brother was. we weren’t good for each other anymore. and while i wanted to keep holding on, many people told me i had to let go and they were right. i'm sorry that it wasn't completely by my own voice that i let go.

i don’t even hate you anymore, if i even ever really did to begin with. the most i get is mad and i may say the word "hate" in anger, and that is entirely my own fault for checking in once in a while to see if you’re still breathing or getting better. because i cared a long fucking time and i think parts of me still do. i can’t say there weren’t fond memories or good times and i still have gifts i won’t throw away. and i won’t discredit that i do see you trying really hard for yourself now, which is a hopeful feeling and all i and others ever wanted. even if we may never speak directly again, because i don’t think that would be good for either of us, i hope it keeps going well.

but i don’t think you have the right to say i’m a bad person as if you weren’t just as bad yourself. you effected me and others just as badly.

we don't have to forgive each other. but i do hope, after a long time, we can forgive ourselves.

just a last little edit:

before you start congratulating someone who added to the entire severity of literally everything, understand this:

we were not driven by her or her alone. this is not her fucking win. this is the result of friends and good people saying we should speak up and needed to be heard for years. this is because we have support we actually feel safe with and finally decided we're fucking tired. we didn’t speak simply because she put out some silly little document. she only added to the fucking misery that everyone else has brought on about this!

this is for ourselves!! thanks! and goodbye! - =D

#flowerfell #flowerfell au #frans #tw csa

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