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factual-fantasy · 4 years

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Its done! Its all finally done!! All 16 cars! Man, this took like, what, two weeks?? This is one of the biggest and riskiest projects I’ve done in a long while. My hands are bruised and sore and I hope now more than ever that this was all worth it! And yes, the two mystery cars were Dragsters all along! If you’re wondering how a race car like that can be even remotely similar to a Tank, a Tractor, a bathtub with an Engine, a little tikes car, AND a power wheels... well, they’ve got a butt ton of power, they’ve got the biggest friggin tires EVER, they’re basically just flat bowls with pipe legs and an engine, and they’re most certainly toys so... kinda? Also the whole “You’ll wonder what’s in my family basement” thing? They’re trophies. Lots of them.

And I know the names aren’t cool Transformer names, I just wrote down their main name as what they are most commonly called.

Also, I bet you’ve noticed that my persona is in a few of the drawings? Well I put myself beside the cars that are my favorites. The very first drawing, Suburban, being my all time favorite.

Now what I have after the keep reading is a list of summary’s for each cars personality. You absolutely do not have to read them, but I worked hard on it and think they’re cool so.. I at least encourage you to take a lil peek. :}

So you wanna learn more ey? Well let me give you a little summary on their personalities!

Note: Some of the cars’s pictures have been taken from google because I didn’t actually have a picture of the car in my camera roll. And The google image is not identical to the actual car, its just the closest thing I could find. Also for privacy reasons, I will not say the name, age, gender or relation of the drivers of the cars or how many drivers there are in total. And also for privacy reasons, all the cars aside from the google images have been cropped or blurred to hide the background.

Also I am writing their descriptions as if they are real Transformers and have met some of the real Autobots.

Now, to the cars!

Suburban: Is my favorite out of all our cars. Suburban is similar to Bulkhead in may ways, he looks kind’a like him, he is gentle, considerate and kind to those around him. Big and small. Although he isn’t a meat head, he’s a smart guy that thinks everything through before doing it to ensure everyone’s safety. And he isn’t a Wrecker, or a Soldier, he’s a field medic. He uses his size and strength to charge into battle and retrieve wounded soldiers. He tows people out of harms way and uses himself as a shield to protect, not to harm. Although he can kick aft if it is necessary. Because he is not super chatty, is very compliant and polite, he gets along great with Ratchet.

Miata: Miata is a very squirrely scout and energetic go get’er. She’s always bouncing off the walls and just itching to get back out onto the road and show the other bots just what she can do! Although she isn’t an air head and knows when to joke around and when to take things seriously. She points that energy in the right direction while out on the battlefield. She is one of the faster bots of the bunch and always uses that to her advantage during fights. She’s real witty and clever, so she gets along pretty well with U.M.Dragster. She seems to always be smiling and laughing, so just like Escort, she really brightens everyone up where ever she goes.

Escort: One of my favorite cars. Escort is a very old bot that has been through quite a bit. In real life its idle is so quiet you cant even tell the car is on. But I always kind’a pictured him having a tendency to be a bit chatty. He is a really nice guy but there seems to always be something wrong with him physically, He is a recurring patient in the docs office for sure. He is very small, not strong at all and not particularity fast.. but boy is he smart. He is an Engineer turned backup medic, He can fix just about anything and always manages to bounce back from any and every situation. Mentally and physically. He is really positive and normally brightens up the team because of it. He is polite to everyone and easy to get along with, all he wants to do is help people and not be a burden.

Brown Suburban: The Brown Suburban is a bot of few words, the strong and quiet type you know? However despite being normally quiet, he has the best laugh there is. The only time this old lug smiles is if he’s laughing. Which is probably partly why him and U.M.Dragster are such inseparable friends, U.M.Dragster is the only bot that can make him laugh. Brown is a guy that can handle a lot, when it comes to annoying kids or injuries, its difficult to get him wound up. He’s just too tired to bother getting upset or worked up over the little things. He’s not too easy to talk to because of the lac of response you normally get, but I assure you he listens to every word you say.

U.M.Dragster: U.M.Dragster is surprisingly our youngest car, currently standing at only 14 years old. And obviously, he is by far the fastest of our cars, he’s even faster than his sister. He is fast, witty, and courageous, but cant dead lift scrap. As a transformer, he’s an energetic young scout that somehow is friends with the big lug Brown Suburban. Some people think Brown only likes him because U.M.Dragster makes him laugh. Now, U.M.Dragster is guy that knows if he was just given another chance, he would really light up the race track. He can be a real stinker most of the time, but generally he’s real sweet and honestly just wants to be worth something again.

A.T.Dragster: A.T. Dragster is U.M.s big sister and our oldest car, currently standing at 51 years old. She is a lively spirit, and most certainly carries that big sister energy with the other Autobots, not just with her brother. She is a kind bot that uses her speed and agility to help out in any way she can. She just wants to help, and be of use again. She does everything in her power to stay alive and keep fighting. She tends to be a little more laid back compared to the other Autobots and doesn’t seem to get surprised by anything easily.

Green Truck: One of my favorites, and our second to oldest car. He has most certainly been there and done that. He has seen it all, war, injuries, death, betrayal, he’s heard all kind’s of screams and cries, all kinds of destruction.. He’s too tired to dwell on the memories anymore, he just focuses his energy on helping out in any way he can now that he’s back in the game. He’s a big guy, and despite his age, he is one of our strongest cars, standing in second place. He’s someone that knows that when duty calls, you just have to suck it up and get dirty work over with. And of course, due to his age he is a frequent flyer in the med bay. But he tries to not let that get him down. He’s still in fighting shape and can stand on his own two pedes. He fits something that Peter Cullen’s brother once said, “Be strong enough to be gentle”. Green Truck at his core is just an old soft hearted bot that gets along really well with basically everyone.. and just wants this stupid war to end.

Vega: Although Vega is very old, he’s one of the fastest guys on the team, but he isn’t one to brag. He is a frequent flyer in the med bay after all. He’s a humble bot, who still has so much more life left to live. He’s not really shy, but he’s normally a bit quiet around the other bots. He’s still adjusting to being around so many people again and trying to get his barrings back when it comes to fighting. Like every other Autobot, he’s a nice guy and is pretty easy to talk to because he’s a good listener. But don’t let him get too comfortable with you, because then he’ll be the one talking your ear off. Vega isn’t necessarily the smart one of the group, he’s better at just being told what to do and doing it how ever he can. Vega is also a bit nervous around Humans. He’s new to Earth and not great with kids, he has so much to learn it gives him a headache just thinking about it. No, Vega isn’t really the smart one, he’s the strong and fast one. He’s a Soldier. He’s a monster out on the track and can beat the snot out of you if he needs to.

Red Van: Red Van is the Mamma bot for sure. She may be a van, but she’s a real hot rod. In her eyes, everyone is her baby. Even Optimus. She goes to great lengths to ensure their safety and always puts them first. She is a nurse and is always checking up on everyone and worrying about them. She can be really sweet, and she adjusted to being around the Human children faster than any of the other bots did. Although she does have a tendency to be a bit chatty, she really does help to brighten up the atmosphere where ever she is. Because of the motherly vibe she gives off, the other bots feel more comfortable around her and normally go to her to talk about their problems.

White Truck: White Truck is a real go getter and is always ready to lend a helping hand whenever its needed. He may not be very fast, or very strong, but he’s fairly big and can still hold himself decently in a fight. He is also pretty smart, he isn’t a certified engineer but he knows his way around most gadgets. He’s careful with Humans and wants to better understand them, but he still has a lot to learn. He’s really kind and tries his best to help out in anyway he can, when ever he can.

Beluga: Beluga is a really chirpy and bubbly person, She gets along very well with Humans and bots alike. Although she is a completely different person on the battlefield. Some would even call her ruthless. When asked, she explains that she tries to be very kind to everyone all the time and just bottles up her anger and frustration over anything and everything. Big or small. And then later proceeds to release that anger out on the battlefield. All and all though she doesn't like to hurt people. Bad guy or not.. but because of how she handles stress and because of her physical strength being very great, she believes she can better help others by being a soldier.

Honda: Honda has never been one for close combat, no, she prefers long distance, so chose to put her already acquired skills to the test as a fighter pilot instead. Opting to not see her enemy as she kills them.. Like Beluga, she doesn’t really want to hurt anyone. Honda is a smart girl that can pilot and repair almost any kind of Cybertronian aircraft. Honda gets along wonderfully with the Human children, and just Humans in general. She is very patient with them and always remembers to be very gentle. Shes a really sweet young bot that can be a bit shy at times, but is normally very bright and bubbly. Her and little sister Beluga are inseparable.

Ranger: Ranger is a tough gal for sure. If Cybertron had a word for Cowgirl, it would be used to describe her. At her core, she has a soft spot for those she considers family and would do anything to protect those she cares about. At times she can be very laid back, but she most certainly knows when fun times over and when things are getting serious. Something most people don’t really know about her is that she has a deep fascination with Earths Oceans and other bodies of water. Any chance she gets while scouting or something similar, she likes to stop by a river nearby and just watch the water flow curiously. Because of her soft spot, she cares very deeply about the Autobots and despises the Decepticons. Primarily because their very existence is a danger to her friends lives.

Volvo: Volvo is the silent type for sure. He is extremely intelligent and has no time for chit chat. If he discovers a subject that he doesn’t know anything about and that he also believes could be useful information, he will work tirelessly to learn every single thing possible about that subject. He is a hard worker and takes everything seriously, he has no time for jokes and games. Him and Ultra Magnus get along swell. Although despite this all, Humans intrigue him, and he wants to learn more about them. So despite him and Magnus being virtually the same in most ways, he does partake in Human shenanigans to “learn more about their species and culture”.

Jeepy: Jeepy is a real hot shot, but the friendly kind. He thinks Humans are a riot and fun to play around with. Jeepy normally isn’t particularly careful with Humans because he hasn’t fully grasped the fact that Humans all have this genetic condition called uh, fragile. So a side effect of that is he takes Miko on these crazy dangerous fun rides in secret because Bulkhead has common sense wont take her. He may have his moments of not thinking things through.. but he truly means well and would never intentionally hurt an ally, same species or not. If he knew better, he would be more careful. He’s got a big heart and his drive to fight comes from wanting to protect others and end this war. To end the suffering of his friends. Of the Autobots.

Bash Buggy: If you know anything about Overwatch, he’s basically Junkrat, just not on fire 24/7. He takes weekends off. Now, Buggy is an Autobot, so his spark is in the right place, and at his core he is a genuinely good person. He’s just a little weird you know? He’s got a few screws loose here and there.. and a missing fender.. or two.. and a trunk.. and his back seats.. and an optic.. ANYWAY, despite his ragged appearance, he is not dumb. In fact, he is actually very smart, and disturbingly calculated when it comes to his explosives. Buggy actually makes all of his own grenades and is pretty knowledgeable when it comes to other kinds of weapons and how to repair them. But he’s no medic that’s for sure. Although he is generally smart, he’s kind’a of a dunce when it comes to the severity of injuries because of how durable he is. He could be in blinding pain and bleeding out of every crack and crevasse, and just go, ”Let me go back out there chief! I can still fight! ୧⍢⃝୨”.

#my ocs #transformers #transformer ocs

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julesclues · 4 years

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too much to handle

warnings: mentions of cancer and death

pairings: jj maybank x reader

word count: 1.61k

summary: jj always helps you with your little sister, since your dad doesn’t care enough.

gif creds to owner

you and your dad had always been close. that was, until your mom got cancer and passed away four months ago. your father blamed himself for her death, so he started using alcohol as a punishment. as early as nine in the morning, he would go find some bar that was open, and would drink his sorrows away. you hated it. who in their right mind wouldn’t? but because of this, you were left with your nine month old baby sister. so now, you had to take care of her, while also taking care of yourself and most of the times, your own father.

not having a job made taking care of you guys even harder to do. when jj and the other pouges found out about your mom passing, they all welcomed you with open arms. but you didn’t take any of their help. you didn’t want to be a burden to them, since you had your baby sister to take with you too. jj was the only one to not take no for an answer. so, hesitantly, you let him come over everyday and help you with the baby. whether he was bringing groceries, baby food, or food for you guys, it was a pleasure having him. sometimes he would even sleep over. having a crush on the boy didn’t help matters either. the day you found out about your mom passing away was when you knew you loved him more than a friend.

he grabbed you as you collapsed in his arms. sobbing, you wrapped your arms around him and sank to the floor. “why jj? why did she leave me?” you whispered to him as he stroked your hair. the other pouges just watched with tears in their eyes as jj sat on the floor of the wreck with you in his lap. “i know babygirl, i know.. i’m so sorry.” he kept repeating those phrases like a mantra. you looked up at him with tears in your eyes and when he moved your hair out of your face, your heart skipped a beat. oh no.. you thought in that moment.

so now, four months later, the boy would still come over and you would still feel your heart skip a beat whenever he would call you babygirl or princess.

“okay ellie, okay,” you say, patting your little sister’s back, trying to get her to stop crying. you looked at the time as it read 3:29am. your dad wasn’t home and you didn’t want to call jj but you were trying to get your sister to stop crying for an hour now. jj was much better at taking care of ellie than you were, but you weren’t complaining. hesitantly, you picked up the phone with your free hand and called jj. pressing the phone in between your shoulder and ear, he answered with a raspy voice. “hello?” he answers. you blush, loving the sound of his voice.

“hey jj, i’m– ellie please– i’m so sorry but i need you.”

his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest as he heard you say those last three words. “is everything okay?” he asks, putting you on speaker while slipping his shoes on. “i– um–“ you stutter, dropping the phone. “shit! jj, i dropped the phone! i’m not good at this. i cant be a mother. i need you please come over.”

in no less than ten minutes, jj was at your door. you ran to it and held it open for him. “hey,” he says softly, grabbing ellie from your arms. he looks at you and sees your face wet from tears. “hey hey, why are you crying princess?” he asks, using his free hand to wipe a tear. “w-what if she’s sick? jj i cant take care of her. i’m horrible at this. i cant even do this alone, how am i expected to be a mother in the future?” jj sits down on the couch and you follow him, looking at him as he calms ellie down. “y/n, you’re going to be the best mother in the world, okay? and i know that because look how worried you are now. your first thought was that she was sick. you were concerned. if that’s not an attribute of a great mother, then i don’t know what is.” you look at him and wipe your tears, as ellie’s crying turns into soft whimpers. “shit,” you chuckle breathlessly. “look at you, taking care of me and ellie. you’re going to be a great dad,” you say, looking up into his deep blue eyes.

he looks at you for a second too long, his eyes flickering to your lips, before looking down at ellie. “she’s good now,” he whispers, bringing her to her crib and then coming back to sit with you on the couch. “you okay babygirl?” he asks, bringing your hair behind your ear. you grab him and wrap your arms around him, earning a soft grunt from him. “thank you so much jj,” you say softly, as he instantly wraps his arms around you as well. “you never have to thank me for taking care of you girls,” he admits. “you guys are my favorite pouges.” you laugh, pushing away from him. you look down at the time and realize it’s almost four o’clock. “oh crap,” you sigh. “do you want to stay here?” you ask him, and his eyes light up. “definitely,” he smirks, and you hit his arm. “mind out of the gutter jj!”

laying down in your bed with him, you look to your left and see him looking up at your ceiling. you prop yourself on your elbows and glance at ellie, who was sleeping quietly. propping your head back on your pillow, you turn again to look at jj, but he’s already looking at you. “how do you do it?” you ask him, and he hums in confusion. “get her to stop crying. how do you do it?” he looks back up at the ceiling before looking back at you. “i always took care of myself, ever since i was a little boy. i guess i just have a knack for these things,” he chuckles sadly. “i’m sorry,” you whisper, rolling on your side to face him. “don’t be princess,” he says with a smile, rubbing your arm up and down. you get closer to him and rest your head on his chest. “you’re really warm,” you whisper, not wanting to wake up the baby. he chuckles, now rubbing your back. “and you’re cold.”

he looks down at you, realizing your eyes was closed. “y/n?” you hum in response. “your mom died four months ago.” your eyes shoot open and you look at him, gripping his shirt a bit. “thank you jj, i was unaware,” you say sarcastically. “i– no i mean that.. babygirl, it’s okay to feel sad. i know this is a lot for you. it’s okay to cry.” you grip his shirt a little tighter this time and he squeezes you. that’s when you breakdown. trying to be quiet, you cover your mouth with your hand. “it’s okay, you’re okay,” jj repeats. “it’s just too much to handle sometimes j,” you admit, looking up at him. “i know y/n, i know.” you push your head deeper into his chest, not wanting to wake up the baby. “if it wasn’t for you, i don��t know if i would even be where i am today. it’s so much jj, it’s too much.” he rubs circles on your back, which calms you down a bit. panting, you relsease his shirt a little bit. “just breathe babygirl, it’s okay.” calming down completely after ten minutes, you shove your face more into jj’s chest and close your eyes tight, feeling embarrassed that you let yourself get that vulnerable.

“shit, i’m sorry,” you apologize, and jj instantly seizes his actions on your back. “don’t apologize for feeling y/n. what you feel is what you feel.” you look up at him and bite your lip. “what?” he asks, and you feel your heart rapidly beating. “what i feel is what i feel, right?” you ask, and he nods.

“does that include what i feel for you?” you ask, hoping he was picking up what you were putting down. “w-what do you mean?” of course he wasn’t.

“i li-like you jj,” you stutter. “more than a friend. and please, god, please stop me if i’m ruining our friendship by saying this but i think i’m in love with you and i’m scared. you make me feel things other people don’t make me feel and i was confused at first but you take care of me and ellie and you always make sure i’m okay and please stop me because i–“

he instantly puts his finger on you chin and lifts your head to only be inches away from his. “i’m in love with you too princess.” and with that, he kisses you passionately. melting into the kiss, you breathe out and feel him smile a bit. pulling a from him, you both smile and pant a bit. “why did you push away, i was enjoying that,” he says with a smirk and a wink. “i hate you maybank,” you say with a smile. “are you sure? because it doesn’t seem like it.” this time, you’re the one smirking. “actually, i think i forgot. can we try again?” just as you go to kiss him again, ellie starts crying. “great,” jj laughs. he gets up and holds ellie, trying to get her to stop crying. “hey j?”

“yeah princess?”

“i love you.”

“and i love you.”

#jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #pope heyward #outer banks imagine #drew starkey #rudy pankow #obx jj #jj outer banks #jj x reader #jj imagine #jj maybank imagine

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demonytekav · 3 years

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Katsuki Fucking Bakugou

Got myself thinking today. Well…every day.

FYI these are my personal thoughts - so take it or leave it I guess I’m not stating this as a fact and your do opinions matter. These are just my thoughts….

So like I’ve seen his home life be taken 2 different ways. A lot of people see the more comical aspect of his mom being aggressive and yelling at him, which to be fair YES it can be fucking hilarious. And I see that too, I find it funny he’s aggressive like her and they fight yada yada.

But I also see the other side of this. The accidentally abusive side. I say accidentally because I do not think his mom is purposely abusing him.

See I grew up in a house with a very dominant and aggressive step dad. He yelled, cussed, and was controlling as all hell over everything. He was always aggravated by me (just breathing was enough let me tell you). And his feelings ALWAYS came first. He CARED (very difficult to see unless you look for it) but has ZERO idea on how to be someone who puts others first. We were always on his timeline. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “sorry”.

The difference here I think is that my step dad beat me down. Didn’t challenge me to do better just out right told me I was shit at whatever I was doing. Or bitched when I didn’t know how to do something. Vs Katsuki’s mom seems like the person who would say “My kid wouldn’t suck at this” and proceed to PUSH her little shit of a son in an aggressive way to do better. And she’d talk him up so much so that he’d get an ego boost about it.

I don’t even want to imagine what it might have been like had he messed up or wasn’t that good at something. I wonder if his mom would give him hell about it unintentionally. And I can almost guarantee the word “sorry” was never uttered to him by her. One thing to note too, is that Katsuki himself is unapologetic about his own behavior and that stems from his own ego/confidence as well as his environment. He grew up in a space where it was natural to yell, cuss, and be violent when getting a point across. For me it was similar but my confidence was never cultivated and instead it was crushed - so I learned to handle others in a softer way but I still come off as stiff.

It’s why I find myself half the time identifying with some things Katsuki does. I have a HORRIBLE time connecting with people and would often rather NOT deal with people especially if they are friendly and nice. Sometimes im inexcusably over confident and arrogant, and have down right asshole-ish behavior on some things. I pick on people I like (friends or romantic interests) in a way to get attention on me for even just a moment. I don’t have the intention of being mean but can come across that way. Or I tend to stay away all together. I get irritated easily over small shit and I have resting “I fucking hate you stop talking” face. Sound familiar?

Getting side tracked. I feel like Katsuki is very similar to me and yet different. I can SEE why he would have been a bully especially to Deku. I can see why he has a complex about being the best and not wanting help. It’s how he grew up, Katsuki doesn’t necessarily understand being the victim, only knows the stance of the abuser and thinks he’s “right”. Where as I have been given the unique perspective of both, I have been forced to understand my step dad as well as be the bully victim (mostly the victim).

Just like Katsuki I CANT STAND asking for help and I HATE people thinking I need it. Abuse does weird things to you and messes with your perception in these things. Help comes across as a weakness or being made fun of. Or as leverage against you. Sometimes you even feel like a burden and that shit just don’t fly.

Katsuki got arrogant as a kid being around those who weren’t as ‘brilliant’ as he was and especially having a home life like he did only fueled that. So it’s understandable that he WOULD see Deku as a cry baby or weak. His perception of strength came from his mothers unintentional abuse and over inflated ego he was given by the adults around him. It doesn’t help that he IS a natural leader. His suspicion of Deku is also pretty on point for this.

I won’t lie here. I didn’t trust ANYBODY growing up. I can imagine Katsuki being very similar, thinking people are wearing masks. Seeing Deku smiling so happily and being constantly nice and helpful would definitely confuse him. Why? Because growing up in an abusive house means at times the abuser is kind to you, sometimes for lengths of time, usually with a goal in mind, before ripping the rug out from under you and they show their true intentions. Katsuki was /is afraid of Dekus selflessness because Katsuki can’t afford to be that way. Cant afford to let his guard down and he probably was afraid of what intentions Deku had. In other words “looking down on him”.

Katsukis anger toward others is another thing I find interesting especially when as a little kid he smiled all the time and walked with his head up high. After the issue with Deku trying to help him as a kid it gave him a very specific (and incorrect) reality check. It also made him even more angry/suspicious of Deku specifically. In high school he wanted NOTHING to do with other people other than for them to worship him and his skills (in a way). He was entering a school where he would have to compete to show he was the best, it was a new experience for him as he has ALWAYS just been the best being as they grew up around all the same kids and nothing ever changed.

But people want to get close to him. It’s a distraction and waste of time, it makes me wonder if this is partly because he knows when school ends they won’t be together anymore. Maybe his separation from Deku as kids (their friendship I mean) actually impacted him in such a strong way even if he was the one to end it. It hurts to no longer have that friendship that was built- he probably saw Deku as a lifelong companion up to a point as a kid- when they discovered he didn’t have a quirk Katsuki probably had another boost to his ego about being better than Deku and at the same time knowing they were not longer on the same path. After the log incident and they were no longer friends in his mind (due to his insecurities and thinking he was being played?) it probably hurt him a lot internally but he didn’t realize it. And maybe later during high school he looked at Deku as actually betraying him, again probably thinks people are nice to get something out of it (thinks he’s being made fun of or looked down on like my point from earlier) and to learn that Deku hid his quirk only solidified that Deku might have been playing him all along (until he learns the truth), and doesn’t want to feel like that again? So he pushes people away? Regardless he is rude and mean to everyone but over time he gets closer to people.

Another thing to note, I think the more un-confident he is the more aggressive he is in regards to some things, so I feel like the way he snaps at his friends is a good tell that he’s not comfortable being close to others. Especially with how he refuses to acknowledge the word “friends”. (Small thought but is he afraid to use the word friend because of losing Deku as friend in the past and the pain/hurt that caused when he thought he was being looked down on and they went their separate ways? Like I said, he may have thought Deku would be his companion running along behind him all his life at that point and then they realized he didn’t have a quirk AND Deku tries to help him and etc that happened so is he afraid to get close to someone again - be ‘played’ - and worried he will just get hurt?????)

I get like this too. My initial response to unknown or uncomfortable situations is to be on guard and prickly. Katsuki when embarrassed would be explosive because that’s much easier to understand. When there are things I don’t understand I get mad or irritated immediately. It’s easier than crying or smiling. Don’t even fucking get me started on hugs because I love them but I HATE them because they make me too emotional and I cry and then I get pissed. Katsuki probably gets weird about physical affection because to him the only affection he’s known is the angry kind. He probably doesn’t understand fundamentally what being in a normal and close friendship is and thinks his way has been right this whole time and everyone else is wrong. Which is why he act like a rabid bear when confronted by affection to him it makes NO sense.

I saw people be ANGRY over him goading Deku in the latest chapters. Calling out his behavior as regressing back to his old ways and how it’s proof he’s not changing.

Personally, I don’t see that. Just from my own self indulgent take on Katsuki here is what I think is happening.

Katsuki is angry. He finally UNDERSTANDS everything and realizes Deku was NOT trying to hurt him and has been genuine this entire time. He understands his behavior/treatment of Deku was misguided and WRONG.

But he’s ANGRY that after everything HE isn’t being trusted (Deku has always had blind faith in him before now). HE is being looked at as weak, we know he’s not but imagine it from someone who is just out of the hospital and had just risked his life and is basically being BENCHED with Deku being in the same state he is in. He probably feels like he’s being viewed as weak. HES worried about Deku 1st and foremost because he knows it’s going to end badly, maybe with loss of life and he can’t STAND to be benched when he could be helping his friend. Yes friend.

Katsuki took it upon himself to atone for what he did and right now his charge has left him behind. His FRIEND left him behind and is doing DANGEROUS things and tying in what I mentioned above. The fact that he didn’t outright attack Deku when their eyes met says it all for me. Katsuki is FURIOUS. But he’s not the little kid who would have tried to beat Deku up because of his anger.

So, he smack talks. He goads Deku. I mean FUCK, I’d bitch out my friends too and antagonize them (it would come off as me making fun) but Katsuki KNOWS it would get to Deku. Knows it would press buttons and he does it BECAUSE he knows Deku isn’t going down without a fight. And also, HES MAD and he’s probably HURT at the least he’s offended.

He is allowed to be MAD at his friends. How many times have you sat and complained or royally bitched out a friend in your head because of something dumb as hell they did? I’ve done it so much.

Thing is, I’m not saying he is doing the RIGHT thing. No no. I’m just stating a fact as to what he is DOING. But he’s not doing what he WOULD have done in the past which would have been to immediately and literally fuck Deku up and yell at him and BRING HIM DOWN verbally and mentally for the sake of BRINGING HIM DOWN.

No he’s mouthing off to show he’s mad plain and simple. He’s wanting Dekus attention on him and Dekus acknowledgement of his mistakes/Katsukis anger.

(Side story, in freshman year of high school a friend of mine made some DUMB as fuck choices. I found out about it between classes from another person. I literally RAGED out loud in the hall way, got some interesting looks, and STOMPED MY FURIOUS ASS 3 floors down to cuss and spit at her like a demon child for it in front of everyone because of how dumb she was. I then spent the next several periods of class steaming and fuming before walking *stomping* her ass home and bitching at her the whole way. Yes we talked about it. But the point still stands that I get why Katsuki rages because I fucking do it too especially the more I care….I’m a lot older now and I don’t yell anymore nor do I let my anger control me)

Katsuki in my opinion is growing, slowly, but he’s growing. This is different than the past. In fact he came with the class as a whole. That itself says everything because he’s always about doing things on his own. It also makes sense that he isn’t dramatically different…..I think that would be almost to disingenuous to his character and wouldn’t show the growth or show he EARNED anything. It would come off as almost….fake. If he acted any differently. I think the only other way I would accept him behaving is for him to be completely SILENT until the right moment and say very specific things. But again, that might also be too far out of his current character.

Katsuki is a tough one. The only reason I feel connected to him is because I can equate my own circumstances and feelings to his due to the similarities of his upbringing. I feel like we are the same coin but each a different side.

I guess I’m saying it’s understandable why he’s such an aggressive ass and why he was a bully and is still being a mouthy shit. He didn’t grow up in a fluffy loving household. So it makes sense for him to be this harsh.

Another thing to note: 1st. He’s a fucking kid. And kids sometimes can not distinguish between right and wrong. 2nd. He IS showing maturity in his actions and growing but again, it’s slow LIKE IT SHOULD BE. He’s learning. In fact, it’ll probably take him years to learn certain things and I bet some stuff he won’t really get the hang of. I know I fucking didn’t. I still come off as an ass. And I’m emotionally constipated. I still can’t fathom certain social interactions and I can’t not be suspicious of peoples kindness. I can’t be outgoing and show affection (like seriously don’t cry near me because I don’t know what the fuck to do with you). I’ve learned how to handle people better and treat others better but unfortunately when you have lived with an abusive parent there’s no telling how exactly you will come out of it or how long it will take you to UNLEARN that garbage and input the correct things.

And it’s going to take him some years to make some corrections. I don’t think he will ever be a fluffy touchy feely guy. And I bet he will still snap and snarl at times. But I can see the way he is being written and it’s showing growth. Subtle as it is. But it’s there.

I’m just saying that if my perspective has any truth to it for this character, then cut the kid some slack. Not too much because hey he still needs to grow and we don’t want to see him regress.

Idk…what do you think? I’m always curious about others perspectives because everyone is so different yet similar. Even in writing I can easily channel Katsuki (to an point) but Izuku or some of the other more friendly characters are VERY difficult for me.

#Kavs thoughts #bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugou #I could be way off #like these are just personal thoughts so be nice please

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e-z-yow · 3 years

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You felt being selfishly because of the fact that you are guilty for having an escape while all the pressure, burden and responsibility which you must you took first.

I get it.

You MUST be there

You should TAKING CARE of those and these

Im not questioning WHY? Family is a family right?

But....

Am I not your family?

Am I not feeling tired too?

Am I not sober?

Am I not helped you?

Am I not get hurt?

Am I not listed as one of those important person or family member that you need? And needs you too?

Am I not the person who have feelings too?

Did you really see me as your partner?

Because most of the times you just need me for personal errands, your time-saver, 🧽 for all the sadness and pain that you cant handle anymore, cook/chef for all seasons (time-saver), I did anything to you... I did all the stuff that you want me to do...

Why cant you be so appreciative?

Why cant you be so reasonable for your mistake and for you less?

Why most of the time you always fvcking blame me for the things that you damaged?

Why most of the time you are so entitled to say that I am not the good person at all, i am so lack off person for the reason you cant have what you want... when in fact you are the most LESS person in our relationship when in fact i was fooled believing you for the nTH. I did all the adjustment for the sake of my security,my mental health and for the relationship JUST TO WORK and YOU? What did you do? You think you did also the same way as me?

Ofcourse you did, for yourself only!!! Not because you dont want me to be hurt anymore? You want me in your life? You see bigger picture inside me? ALL OF THIS YOU’VE NEVER SEEN IT FRIM ME.

Why you dont feel guilty for all of those huh?

What do you really want from me huh?

Sana sinabi mong kailangan mo lang ng KATULONG NA LOYAL SAYO or TAONG KAYANG MAGING ASO

You never felt guilty for all of those I swear.

You never felt happier or grateful for having me thats why you never appreciate all the things that I have done. Cuz if you DO? We always working in each other, you will see me when i am tired too, i need your help even i am not saying. And if you really do? I can sense it, i can feel it and the harmony of our relationship despite of the differences is never be a hindrance.

I stayed despite of.... EVERYTHING YOU DID PLUS THE DIFFERENCES

But you? Why did you stay and yet you’re telling me that you are the most unfortunate person for having me?

You just ruined me honestly.

I want to wish you to be happy someday but i want you to fit in my shoes for you to know that i have reasons.... my feelings are valid... i want you ti feel also the way you yelled by calling me CRAZY whenever you cant give my assurance you cant secured me its your lacked off not mine i just want you to feel that.

I trusted you like I trust myself and my sister.

All the reasons to break with you is VIVIDLY, CLEARLY, LEGIT PROOF but you do the reversing here...

You hit me in my core, provoking, mocking me at my flaws just to out my demons inside me and now telling me that im the most immature person, worst person and all... so now, you have the most turning part to abandon me, you have very reasonable and explaination for leaving me...

While my reason are trashy, invalid and immature. How fair is that to you?

#one sided relationships #you just never know #you never gave a shit about me #tired of this shit #mentally tired #game over #what am i to you #sponge on the run #shock absorbers #you messed up

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theravenclawmonster · 4 years

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I thought getting diagnosed would be able to get me help...(post 2 of dunno how many)

The previous post of this series of posts can be found in this link post 1

Trigger warning: This post (and the later continuation posts after it titled the same) may contain mentions of abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and many more things which i will try to edit in it after writing the post(s) (hopefully i’ll remember to) [yes, this is the same in all posts in series]

Disclaimer: this is just a written account of events that happened in my life in the past few weeks and my emotional/ physical response to those events. I am writing this here so that it stays here as help for people to read and maybe see what certain things feel like, and as proof or diary for when i forget what really happened and start to believe her words. Also, this is going to be a long post... a very long post.

Okay, where was i? The first visit to the doctor. I had my tests done and bought the acidity medicine and the vitamins he suggested (i had already started to take vitamins again since a couple of weeks before, he just added folic acid to that. I also have a bit of an issue with vitamins and people telling me to eat them indicating that all will be well after that; but more about that later). in the pharmacy, my mother was pretty upset with me cuz i kicked her out of the room and told me some stuff i don’t want to remember right now. ummm... basically she said “ why did you ask me to leave, what secret were you going to tell the doctor? what did you tell him we did to you? i know what you think about me. you could have just said it all in front of me. what was with all the secrecy” [funnily enough, although i did ask her to leave, my reason was cuz i can’t really speak in front of her (she interrupts a lot too) and i was worried that i’d cry and didn’t want to hear about it for another 6 months. there was no secret or i didn’t even think about mentioning the abuse, cuz how do you just go to a stranger and say “ hi i am in pain and my parents abuse me”. even asking for help for my pain was demanding enough for me.] . she also “informed” me very angrily that the it wasn’t allowed for a woman to be alone with a male doc, a nurse must be present (which was not present) and that is probably why doc didn’t do the proper physical checkup. Well! he should have (if he thought an extensive one was necessary; he did check my breathing and stomach softness), called a nurse in or my mother in. i didn’t have any issues with him doing my physical checkup alone too. and he didn’t mention anything about that to me at all.

Anyway, I went back thinking God knows how long was this process was going to take and if i had the energy to fight for myself and make people believe that i was actually in a lot of pain. the reports came back fine (the expensive test one too, to much displeasure of my father “but this came back fine, so expensive for no use. why did he even write that test?” as if it would have been somehow better to get a positive test back for a disease?! I really don’t know how his mind works. By the time all reports were in, it was time for my appointment at the psychiatrist and it was decided to go to her first, then on our way back show the reports to our primary doc. that way we could also talk to him about what she said.

Oh wait, i forgot to mention in my last post. the doctor only suggested the psychiatrist and later sent me her number saying that i have told her about you please take an appointment. i had to call her and i asked about her fees which she very nicely said would be discounted and that helping me and understanding what was stressing me was more important. I felt so weird then, i don’t really hear these type of things very often.... or almost ever.

going to the clinic was easy enough, of course my mother and father accompanied me. and my mother did follow in. [let me just add that i only remember about half of what happened so...] the doctor ( hereby referred to as Psy lady) asked me “so, how are you?” and i said “ i’m good *smiled awkwardly as she realised that was not what she meant to ask*. she was like okay, how do you feel and what do you want to discuss me with. so i just sat there like a dumbass. then i asked her how much the other doc told her about me. she said it was just that you are his patient and needs psychiatric help in his opinion.

I am just going to make a dialogue format written account for that and the next doctor’s visit as this seems way too confusing.

At that time (not sure) my mother interrupted;

Mother: *turned to me* “if you don’t mind may i tell her the history etc” *in pointed politeness*

Me: “ok.”

Mother: *launched from how i was such a brilliant smiling child and wanted to take this scholarship abroad but she said no* *went off a long tangent about how she was just being a nice worried parent in controlling my life and now feels guilty cuz i can’t let it go* *finished by saying* “Dr., she just can’t forget that, she is stressed no job plus the lock down etc you know how it is. then she found out she has scoliosis in january and i think she has taken it to heart, like really it is completely asymptomatic and i have asked the doc she won’t have any problems cuz of it in the future” (i am guessing she meant having babies but really who knows) “she has just taken stress over that”.

Psy lady : *scribbled something on her paper* “My i have some time alone with her?”

Mother: “yes yes sure” *left*

Psy lady : “so tell me a bit about yourself.”

Me: *was still fuming and recoiling and shaking in my seat cuz i just don’t understand until how long is my mother going to throw that in my face. it has been years and i wasn’t even that upset about it (at least i just quietly internalized it) but she refused, controlled my life (since birth btw and still does now) and not even let me do anything else i want to do, nor find a job, then proceeded to throw her ‘oh i feel so guilty, i am such a good parent. i have commited a crime by being caring and now i must be punished oh!’ at me. Like where am i in all that? you say no, you control, your guilt, your love, your care, your image as a parent that must never be broken. where am i in all that? ALSO you never listen to my complains about pain so shut up*

Psy lady: ...

Me: “umm... hi... i umm never had a dream, but then i found this thing in my mid-twenties and i loved it, but they didn’t let me pursue it, then didn’t let me do anything. and now they act like i am a burden on them. now i have nothing to do or like, and i can’t even find a job or have anywhere to go. i don’t even really wanna die, i am just tired” *burst into tears yet again as i realized i had no idea why i was telling her all that and it felt so fake and story like at the same time* “... i can’t even breathe and i am in so much pain all the time that i feel like detached from my body cuz every time i try to be in it it fucking hurts.”

Psy lady: “are your parents always this much controlling” *pointed to the door indicating my mother*

Me: “they are emotionally abusive”

Psy lady: *had been looking into my eyes but looked away at the word abusive and didn’t say anything*

Me: *continued after a little shock that i actually said it out loud* “I can’t walk, my knees hurt” *tried to repeat almost all that was possible from the previous doc* *also told her about feeling dissociative and explained a bit how that feels for me* * told her all about how i was fine in dragging me through life but now that my body has suddenly collapsed (where as before it was just emotional pain and numbness and occasional body pains in back and stuff nothing too overwhelming or maybe i was mentally strong to ignore it) i feel very scared and lost. I was dealing with everything fine on my own even when i felt like dying but now i cant handle anything, i can’t even act in front of others; something i am exceptionally good at* *talked about lowered brain function, slowness, low blood pressure, no energy suddenly, not being able to retain information or remember anything, not having a concept of time and memory*

Psy lady: *explained about DPDR disorder and asked me about sleep eating etc.*

Me: *repeated the same: loved sleep can’t now, loved eating can’t now*

After some time of explaining asking and answering, she said that i have depression and what happens is that our brain stops making certain chemicals and to get it to make them again we have 2 options. one is medicine; the other is motivation and exercises. it seems like the latter would be hard for me (and i confirmed that i infact cannot walk or do almost anything and exercise is too painful cuz pain everywhere) she said that the best route in my situation is to start the medicine for some weeks (she said she’d not give them for more than 4 months; whole course including tapering them out) and explained that the medicines were very safe and answered all my queries about dependency on them or side effects etc. I said if that is what she thinks would be best and if taking them means i could feel alive again and my brain function would return to normal.

she then asked me to bring my mother back in. she explained the medicines to her and said i have diagnosed her with MDD. My mother asked what is that. She said Moderate Depressive disorder. my mother asked if the medicine was necessary. she said yes, and to not worry as these were safe and she’s only giving to get me started and pull me out of this extreme state, only for a short time. she also said that come back after 10 days of eating these, so we can see the effect and the side effects if any, and that day she’d also get me an appointment for a psychologist who worked in the same clinic as she thinks it would help me immensely. we agreed. took the medicine and left for the doc no. 1′s clinic. My mother didn’t say anything.

we reached his office and throughout the short car ride and while sitting there waiting for my turn, i was feeling very... accomplished? enthusiastic? Dunno... I was just trying not to cry cuz i finally had it written on paper, i was finally diagnosed, i had finally gotten help. yes, it was only a start and i don’t know much about how doctors work diagnosis and how much more can be added in future visits but it was a start. i finally did something to actually help me.

Finally, our turn came. we showed him the reports and told him what she said and prescribed. My mother asked him if the meds were necessary.

doc: “yeah they really believe in starting meds right away.”

mother: “I don’t want her to take them, it’s like giving up. she can use her will power and get better right?” [she also added something very weird like ‘these stamps (mental disorders diagnosed on paper) are not good for a woman’ or something along this line]

Doc: “yes she can. i too would suggest she do that.”

Mother: *went off on a long tangent about how when she was my age she had depression after having my older sister. but she will-powered through it and didn’t take the meds etc*

doc: “yes i agree, but it really depends on her is she willing to do it” *in a tone that suggested that i should say yes immediately and will-power though life*

Me: * realizing no one is listening to me* “doctor, can you please talk with the Psy lady and ask her if they are necessary in her opinion cuz i have no will left to power though with.”

Doc: “okay.” *called her and talked right then* * told her that he thinks it would be better to willpower through it?

Mother: “well she can will-power through right?”

Doc: “well the Psy lady said that she has been powering through with her will power for years; she has none left anymore. so she thinks that meds are the best option and besides” *looked at the prescription again* “these meds are not addictive and very safe.”

Mother: * insisted on no meds for 15 more minutes and had a long discussion with doc about praying, watching motivational speakers and what not*

doc: *joined in enthusiastically*

Me: *stared into the distance and stops listening with my wobbly neck and painful back*

Doc: “well she is not even listening. can you do it? exercise?”

me: “no it hurts, as i have explained before, not like the yayy muscle cramping up cuz i worked out way and i will love exercise in 2 weeks time way. No! the tendons hurt the bones hurt the joints hurt extremely painfully and it increases with time, even after 2-3 weeks it doesn’t get better.”

Doc: “okay, how about friends? social life? what do you do at home etc”

Me: “my friends are not here, i never made new ones. no social life. even when i was going to class before the lock down, it was from home to uni, uni to home. had no friends there. and i did walked in uni for about half an hour or even more but it hurt in the beginning, i thought okay, cramps (although my knees and heels were very painful too) but it almost felt like it got better (the cramps part) but then it got way worse and after a month i couldn’t walk for more than 10 minutes at a very slow painful speed.”

Doc: *asked about pets, anything that would suggest i was a living being with a life*

Me: “pets are not allowed and so is leaving the house by myself.”

Mother: *interjected* “we have never restricted her for anything.”

By this time, i had frankly given up and i don’t remember what happened next or where the conversation went. just remember something along the lines of “ for these 10-15 days before the next Psy lady appointment, let her do whatever she likes to, don’t ask her don’t control her. let her start up her social life again. she needs to be around friends and the things she can enjoy” something like this. to which my mother said very confidently “sure whatever she wants to do”

then, we left his office and in the car she told me to “not eat the meds as we have ‘now discussed it with your doctor”

this is getting way longer. i think i’d make one more post about it, or maybe one more after that for bits that i forgot. this post seems so badly written upon second inspection. this is not even the 40% of what happened but i don’t remember what happened exactly, or even the timeline.

The third and hopefully last post of this series can be found here post 3

#emotional abuse #abuse #actually abused #abusive parents #depression #MDD #chronic pain #tired of life #dpdr disorder #dissociation #scoliosis #migraine

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robogreaser · 4 years

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This is a Long Time Coming...

It’s been a relatively hard task to sit down and make sense of, well, a lot of things as of late. I could chalk it up to the state of the world, but it’s been troublesome for significantly longer than that.

Long Story Short Version: I’ve been in a hell of a place, mentally, physically, and otherwise.

The proper story is a hell of a lot more involved than that and I know damned right well it’s going to take me a fair bit to explain myself and my various professional and social failings over the past... while. I’m gonna try to contain this under a read more, of course, but I apologize to mobile users if tumblr fucks that up.

Okay. That took a fair more bit of effort to figure out than I remember. Which, I suppose, is a fair enough bit of a segue into one thing that’s happened to me.

Tumblr has been deteriorating.

Whether I like to admit it or not, tumblr has been my go to social media platform since... 2011. Yeah. I’ve spent the vast majority of the decade here. I’ve seen a lot. Sure, I’ve lurked elsewhere, but I really cannot stand the interface and nature of a lot of other social media, especially the likes of twitter. Unfortunately for me, this place has been in constant decline for years now at this point. It extends well beyond the porn ban, but that’s a whole separate discussion.

I’ve lost touch with a lot of people I care about, some vanishing into the ether, some ghosting me, some just drifting into other communities or onto other sites. I’ve come to terms with the majority of this. It’s been happening for a while. It’s the very nature of digital relationships. It hurt, and I do think it’s contributed to a fair bit of stress and depression that has resulted in my... withdrawal from online spaces. It’s not a major factor, but its here, it’s present, it’s a factor in all of this.

I’ll be honest in that, well, I’ve tried to make this post several times over the past several weeks and months. It’s hard. Talking about my issues, using ‘I’ and ‘me’ so much in a post... it’s a bit jarring. But I’ll try to suck it up.

It’s been ten years (god I fucking hate time) since I’ve graduated high school. Yeah. It’s a fair thing to say that, on reflection, that’s incredibly jarring. The vast majority of that time has been... relatively unstable. I spent a fair few years working on my book and my publishing journey, now all but scrubbed clean from this blog (more on that later) and... well... Trying to be an adult. I’ve applied to, gotten accepted, and had to withdrawn from my dream school twice in this time. I’ve had a fair few jobs, nothing worthy of my resume, and lost all of them in one form or another, whether being fired for retaliating to my shitty work conditions, or, well, quitting for the sake of my own health during this pandemic. There has been a lot of family troubles. I’ve been through a lot of... ‘varied’ living situations, some horrendous, some just stressful, some, like now, actually really good compared to the others. And for the past few years in particular, it’s been constantly one thing after another, nonstop.

In short, progress is slow, but it’s happening. I don’t care to delve into a lot of these sorts of personal details lest this get to a ridiculous length, but that’s the short of the stuff I’d rather gloss over.

I’ve been on a health... Let’s call it a journey. I’ve been on a health journey. Over the past few years I’ve gone through the long processes of being diagnosed with ADHD, discussing my options regarding my depression and anxiety, and finally getting myself on a medication regimen that works. And then, because the health care system is a joke, I was without insurance. I had been off my medication, an absolute lifesaver and release of burden on my garbage tier brain, for eighteen months. Until last week. I think it’s fair to say, between my revolving door of living situations, employment, and then being un-medicated in a continually more stressful environment... That this is the main reason I’ve been absent. I’ve had no focus. There were weeks where I had no drive to do anything outside of routine that others depended on. I had not only gone back to how I was before situating my mental health, but in some ways, found a worse state.

Finances have been slowly eating away at me. I had been working a part time retail job until November, which made decent enough money, but not nearly for the amount of work and responsibility I was handling. I got fired. I found work with one of the big, corporate postal services. The pay was phenomenal, but it began to actively destroy my health, mainly physically, but also mentally, especially considering I was working a graveyard shift. Eventually when I began having prolonged health issues there, and then a whole lot of the symptoms of covid-19, on top of them turning me down for an entry-level position outside of the package handling, I had to quit. This was shortly after the lockdowns, in early April, and I refuse to look back despite people like my parents insisting on me trying to get work there again. Sure, the pay was phenomenal compared to anything else I had until then, but I cant continue to sacrifice my health. As of now, I’m unemployed, and... well...

I’m working on my commission queue. It’s art. It’s stuff I’ve owed friends (luckily those who are incredibly understanding and good to me) for an embarrassing amount of time, even before moving to and from Oklahoma at the end of 2016. I’m terrified of being the person who is known for taking commissioners’ money and running.

I know, I’m not good at giving updates. I’m not good at a consistent work schedule. I’ve had numerous tech failings over the past few years that constantly slow my roll on any progress I have made. Hell, I’ve had files corrupt despite being two thirds of the way complete when transferring from one computer to another. I’ve lost my cable for my external hard drive. I’ve had my tablet go to hell and back multiple times. But I am working. I am trying. I am sitting down as often as I can between looking for work and managing family nonsense to try and get my workload tidied up.

Which... brings me to my next point. And one I’m rather... ashamed about.

I have used trello, infrequently, since taking on a large load of commissions, and despite not being faithfully updating it and checking back on it, and using it to it’s fullest potential, I had kept, at the minimum, a list of all the work I did owe people using it. Well. Dumbass me attempted to use a mobile app. In short, in an effort to try and make myself tech literate and allow me easier access to my queue, I ended up deleting it. Somehow.

I’ve gone through and slowly flagged all my paypal notices and various emails concerning my commissions. I’m putting it together again. I’m trying. Granted, I am damned sure I am going to be missing someone, somewhere, somehow. I know it. I’ve got a shit brain, and despite my need for organization and minimalism, I don’t put it past me to have missed something along the way.

If you have commissioned me, please, do not hesitate to reach out and contact me regarding your commission. I owe every last one of you a massive apology for my continued failure to produce what you have paid for.

More likely than not, I have a wip already started somewhere, and if not, I have a slew of reference and thumbnails already compiled together somewhere on my computers. I am not ignoring this work. It’s been painfully, embarrassingly slow. It’s been one obstacle after another. But I have every intention of doing this work, and, likely, upgrading the quality of the finished piece past what my commissioners have paid for simply because I do feel bad about the wait time.

I have been inexcusably unprofessional. I know this and I am working as best I can with the time and resources I have to correct it.

In a similar vein, as I mentioned before, I have slowly been cleaning up my rather unimpressive publishing attempts. I’ve gone through and cleaned this blog recently, deleting reference to my work by name and the process of trying to get myself published. I may have missed a few posts here and there, but for the most part I would like a clean slate in regards to building a social media platform surrounding my written work. And this is the part where... I am probably going to be the most upfront and honest with you reading this than I have been publicly before.

I am not ashamed of who I’ve been online these past ten years or so, but it reflects only a sliver of my personality, a sliver of who I am as a whole. I catered to a very specific subset of who I am in pursuit of finding acceptance in communities much larger than myself. I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself in that time. I figured out what’s important to me, my health, my sexuality, my relationships and my long term goals. I’ve found a very important group of friends. I’ve found people who understand and empathize with a lot of the things I have been through, experience, and am at my core.

But the fact of the matter is, this hypersexual, sci-fi aesthetic-oriented, very open person is only a singular facet. And it is not nearly enough of a reflection of who I am, or who I want to be as a professional, public adult. Will I always be gay for robots? Yes. Will I, when time permits and creative energies are present, continue to make nsfw art? Absolutely. Will I always have a toe dipped in erotic literature and the like? Most likely.

But a lot of me, a lot of my emotion and strife and feelings regarding most things in the world, are completely separate from this. It’s separate from me liking porn on twitter or having a homestuck roleplay blog. It’s separate from who I am in real life, with my boyfriend or with my family or with my work. And I have been dwelling on this, sincerely, for a while. I need to allocate more energy into my life. The separate life offline and online too, where I am pursuing an actual professional career, because, at the end of the day, I want to be an author. I want to have a career telling stories. And, in my time online, I’ve found a lot of skeletons in authors’ closets, the kind that really put mine to shame, and the kind that will always be a footnote to their work. You know the ones.

I want my creative work to speak for itself. I want people to be able to enjoy what I do without a specter, without my time and energy having to explain to a future audience why it is I had explicit thoughts about x,y, and z. I want to be able to write a book, write many books, and have people enjoy them without a footnote about me, a person with a sexual life and a history exploring it through years of depression and isolation, clouding it. It’s not fair to my work. It’s not fair to a future reader. It’s not fair to me.

I’ve got several social media accounts made and slowly coming to life that I need to spend more time with as I try and pursue this new, second leg of a very long journey into publishing. I’m not going to link those here, now or in the future. It’s likely a few people I know and trust have access to them. But I am, effectively starting over from scratch trying to build a platform as a writer. And it’s hard. Juggling that, alongside all of the things in the world today, alongside family and my relationships, alongside my commission queue? It bears down on me and if I didn’t have experience handling more than one thing at a time, I might trip up more frequently. Hell, I forget to post and use those new accounts regularly.

But I’m trying.

I’m not moving away from my current social circles or hobbies or anything like that. I’m not abandoning any fandom or friends or communities. But I am going to be trying to balance myself more thoughtfully moving forward, past just commissions, past just writing.

I’m here. I’m moving forward, slowly but surely, and I am making an effort to improve.

#jesus christ mike shut up

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latina4bangtan · 5 years

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Let’s Make a Deal

Pt. 6

“I got to say when you told me you had a burden to take care of she isn’t what I was expecting.”

“Ready?”

“Absolutely....not” You said as you sat in the car waiting to reach your destination.

Nope. I can’t do this. Oh my god what if I fall on my face in front of some super important people. Or what if I say the wrong thing and they think Im stupid. WHAT IF THE FOOD GIVES ME GAS.

“Stop.”

“Stop what?” You turned to look at Namjoon.

“I can see your mind going into overdrive. Look if people see that you’re scared they’ll take advantage.”

“I get it.” You cut him off. He’s already told you a billion times to be on guard with everyone.

All of a sudden though you felt namjoon take your hand and look straight at you.

“I know you can do this.” He said as he gave you a reassuring smile.

You don’t know why but you could have sworn that your stomach just did a flip. It was like he spoke it into existence but the next thing you knew you gave him a small nod feeling reassured in yourself.

The car ride was the most you two had talked since your arrival in Korea but it was nice you couldn’t lie. This was the first time you started to see Namjoon as just another person and not the man you were pretty much forced to marry. He spoke to you normally and even was trying to reassure you.

Well this was new. Now your only question was how long is this going to last.

Before you could give it another thought he was pulling you out of the car. As you got out and started walking towards the large home you felt him put his arm around your waist as he walked with you.

DUH. Gotta be the happy couple.

When you stepped into the house you took note of all the people who were also there. What you saw actually had kinda surprised you considering everyone seemed to be from all over the world. You know you heard a majority of the conversations were being spoken in English but others ranged from Korean, Spanish and what you thought was Chinese.

Leaning into Namjoon you whispered to where only he could hear you.

“What is this some kind of gangster convention?”

You almost broke your neck to look at him when you heard a small little laugh escape him.

“Something like that i guess you could say.”

Before you could say anything else you heard someone call out for him.

“Ahhh there you are Namjoon! For a second I thought you weren’t going to come.”

You instantly recognized the man from the wedding but couldn’t remember his name. When you both had gotten married he was there with a few other guys who apparently were good friends with your now husband. He was a handsome guy you couldn’t deny and you definitely couldn’t forget his distinctive deep voice.

“Tae you knew I was going to be here.”

“Yea you’re right. Maybe I just wanted to say hi to your beautiful wife.” He turned and gave you a little flirty wink.

“Now now Tae don’t make me embarrass you in front of all these people for giving my wife googly eyes.”

“You’re always soooo much fun. Last time I checked I won that fight.” he sarcastically said.

Namjoon just gave him a little laugh and patted him on the shoulder.

“That’s because I let you win.....the time before that I won and you pouted for a week. Come on why don’t we go find our table to eat.”

After finding your table everything kinda went the way you expected. Some person you didn’t know got on a stage talked about some other stuff you didn’t know about and you ended up getting served some bomb ass food.

Your table consisted of yourself, Namjoon, taehyung (you finally remembered his name), and a few others who you didn’t know.

“Namjoon I hadn’t realized that you got married recently.” One of the older men who were sitting at your table had asked.

Well this was about to get interesting. You knew people were going to ask and be curious. What you didn’t know was how you both were going to handle it.....more so how you were going to handle it.

“That would be correct. It’s been about 3 weeks now.”

“I didn’t even know you were dating again.”

Hold up. Did this fool just say again. I mean you shouldn’t be surprised he was a good looking dude he was bound to have had a gf prior to you.

“Well I cant say that I like having my personal business being everyone’s knowledge.”

You could tell he was getting slightly annoyed.

“Understandable. So tell me namjoon what made this beautiful lady different than the others?”

Others? Ok so like how many others were there. You couldn’t help but to be curious I mean come on you weren’t going to lie and say you weren’t. However you were way more interested in what he was about to say.

“I wish I knew. I don’t think there’s just one thing that made her different. Maybe it’s the way she isn’t scared to confront me or maybe it’s how beautiful she is even when she’s just sleeping...even though she snores. I want to know what makes her so different but I don’t have that answer yet but I’m willing to put the time in to find out.”

Did you just hear him right. He must be a really good actor because even he had you believing the lie.

The man he was speaking with now turned to you waiting for your response.

“Well all I can say to that is......i do not snore.”

Thankfully everyone enjoyed your corny joke and just stared to laugh. You couldn’t help but try and sneak a glance at namjoon but when you tried to look at him you noticed he was already staring at you. Staring back at him it seemed like you just got stuck looking at him you didn’t know what to do so you did the first thing that came to mind.

“Ugh where is the restroom?”

“It’s in the house right by the kitchen.”

“Ok if you will excuse me”

“Want me to show you”

“NO!.......i mean erm that’s ok Im sure I can find it 🙃🙃”

With that you ran off like the chicken you are to find the bathroom. While in the bathroom you tried to get yourself together. Thinking you were finally ok to go back to the party you darted out the door only to run into a body.

You have got to stop doing this.

“Shit! I’m sorry!”

“Don’t worry about it. No harm no foul right......You must be Namjoon’s wife right?” He said extending a hand out to you to shake.

“How do you know that?” You said as you took his hand.

“Well I’m pretty familiar with most of the people here and when I heard that namjoon got married recently I figured it had to be the beautiful woman that everyone was talking about tonight. So tell me am I wrong?”

“No” Was all you could say. For some reason you felt like you needed to keep this man at arms length.

“I’m Samuel nice to meet you and you are?”

“(Y/n)”

“I’ve got to say (y/n) you look pretty familiar have we met before?”

“I don’t believe so.” However you thought to yourself that he did actually look kinda familiar.

“You’re probably right I would have remembered meeting such a beautiful woman. That husband of yours sure is a lucky man. I must say he better be careful or someone might try and take you away from him....”

Before you could come up with any type of remark you felt someone pull you close.

“I fear for the man who has the balls to try.....No one will be taking this gem from me now if you will excuse us I think I’d like to take my wife to dance.”

Samuel just glared at Namjoon as he pulled you towards the dance floor. As the song began to play he pulled you close and started to sway.

“I warned you that these people would try and get to you.” He said.

“Don’t worry. I didn’t say anything to him about you.”

“I know....I trust you...”

All you could do was look at him as you continued to dance.

“Do me a favor though and stay as far away as you can from Samuel.”

“Why?”

Before he could give you an answer you heard a woman call out in your direction.

“So this is the wife of Namjoon that everyone is talking about.”

Who the hell is she? This random woman was walking towards you both but you could tell her eyes were fixed only on you. She was stunning to say the least reminding you of those beautiful actresses you see in tv shows. The look she had walking towards you though told you she was not coming over to become your friend.

“Brie.....” Namjoon said.

Ok....so he obviously knew her. Well guess here goes nothing. Time to play wife.

“Hello Im Mrs. Kim but you can just call me (y/n)” You tried giving her your best smile as you extended your hand out to her. She definitely wasn’t having it though since she now had turned to face Namjoon.

“It’s nice to put a name to a face Namjoon.”

Oh.....so apparently he had spoken to this woman about you. You had a very bad feeling about this.

He didn’t say anything but you could tell he seemed almost....nervous?

“I got to say when you told me you had a burden to take care of she isn’t what I was expecting.”

Did she just say....burden? Last time you checked this whole marriage was his idea....and now he’s telling her that YOU'RE THE BURDEN.

As pissed off as you were you wouldn’t let her get a reaction out of you. Since that’s what she came over for anyways.

“It was nice meeting you Brie....however I won’t stay to be made uncomfortable.....I’m sure we’ll see each other again. Now if you will excuse me I think I’m going to go find myself a drink.”

With that you gave Namjoon a look that was sure to say go to hell and walked away but it wasn’t to go get a drink. Instead you walked to the front door and out to the street. You had messaged Seonhwa asking for the house address and as you got to the street you grabbed a cab. Namjoon can enjoy his party but you weren’t going to be made a fool of just to boost his ego. With that you left.

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angelosblood · 5 years

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Im honestly so stressed out about being an adult, cause im? Not?? Like shit i feel like im still stuck at like 16 maybe 17, i know ive changed alot and matured in some ways but i still feel like i havent changed at all, like im still that naive, fragile, romantic, dramatic dumbass? And ngl it sucks. It freaks me out that im an adult, i should be handling responsibilities and becoming independent and doing something with my life, but i can still barely take care of myself! I cant even be left alone for more than a few hours without losing my fucking mind! In some ways im more immature and less independent now that i was at fucking 13! I just feel like a massive failure and an even more massive burden and the thought of getting older freaks me the fuck up, i was never supposed to reach my twenties, i was never even supposed to turn 18, or 17, or even 16!! Why am i still here!! I just want to escape!! I dont know how the fuck to do something with my life, im just not good enough! Im an iimmature, selfish, fragile piece of shit

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altherei · 5 years

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A Bargain of Grief

((Note: I meant to post this before I left for a short holiday trip, so the events of this post actually took place on 12/22.))

*******

The summons from her father had come somewhat surprisingly- even more so with how urgent his missive seemed. Immediately concerned something was amiss in her family, Altherei hurried back to the small house her father kept in the heart of the Ghostlands. While it’d been a while since she’d been in the blighted end of Quel’thalas, she had never been afraid of it. The roads were familiar, and she didn’t fear the creeping shadows made by dead branches dipping under the light breeze.

When she arrived at her father’s estate, he was quick to welcome her in and give her a warm embrace. It didn’t take long, though, for her to see the deepened creases in his skin- the past few months had been rough on them all, and none moreso than the patriarch of their family. There was a weariness in his eyes that she hadn’t seen since the death of her mother, and his usual warm smile- the one she’d inherited by all accounts- wasn’t present.

“Sit my dear, sit. We have.. much to discuss.” He lowered himself onto the couch, setting down a kettle of tea and two mugs. He filled hers first, then his own, and the gentle scent of honeymint slowly wafted around the living room.

“What’s wrong, Ann’da? Your letter seemed.. rather urgent. Is everything all right?” Altherei blew over the top of the mug, sending the steam flitting away for a moment as she eyed her father.

“No.. no, little one. I am.. frightened. For you,” He added with a nod of his head for emphasis.

“.. For me? Why?” While she could quite easily guess a few reasons.. it would be better to hear it from him.

“We’re at war, Altherei. I know you hold great distaste for it- and so do I. So do Salaras and Maelus. .. So did Eldwin.” His voice fell- the loss of his oldest son, his firstborn, was still hard. He cleared his throat and continued.

“And I am proud that I raised you- that your mother and I raised you- to have the compassion that you do. That you look around and see this world, and its people, for what they could be. But.. I worry you do not see them for what they are,” His brows creased together, leveling a stare at her.

“You think I’m being idealistic. Naive,” She surmised, but not bitterly.

“Yes. And while I will never tell you to stop looking for the good.. quite frankly, it terrifies me what you’re doing right now.”

“What- with the Outreach? You know about that?” It was hardly a secret, but her father had also kept himself largely shut away since Eldwin’s death. Many of her worst habits, including hiding away in her work during times of stress, she inherited from her father. But many of her best traits, too.

“Of course,” He laughed softly in response. “How could I not? The trips I take into the city are few and far between now, but I see your flyers up, and every so often I see a stranger wearing one of those armbands you’re so proud of,” He gestured to the one she kept on her arm at almost all times.

Altherei smiled a little. She was proud of them- the armbands, the flyers, the Outreach- and certainly the people in it, too. But Darsamane’s smile left as quickly as it’d come.

“But your openness with all this.. I wake up at night wondering if I’ll lose you next. If some rogue loyalist to the Warchief will see fit to take matters into their own hands and hurt you- or worse- just because you choose to try and make the world a better place.” He peered down into his tea, untouched still. Alth took an uncomfortable sip of her own. He continued.

“This world is cold and unforgiving, little one. It will take and take from you until you have nothing left. These factions are much the same. Our leaders care nothing for their people, only furthering their selfish goals. And while you may have found a small pocket of like-minded individuals..” He drew in a long breath, and let it out on a heavy sigh. “I fear there are far more who would sooner take you and your group out of the picture in the name of continued war.”

Altherei frowned. “That may be true, but I’m not afraid of the-”

“You -should- be.” Came his cold reply. Altherei was shocked into silence for a moment.

“Your desire to help, to make the world a better place.. I.. I couldn’t be prouder of it. Really, that’s the truth,” He was quick to begin, “But it is that same desire that landed Eldwin in an early grave, made his wife a widow, and his son fatherless.”

“It was the unethical orders of a power-hungry loyalist and a rigged trial-” She tried to argue.

“Semantics do not matter, Altherei!” He almost shouted, then quickly caught himself and lowered his voice. “I..” His voice caught in his throat, and he reached over to take her hands within his own.

“I cannot lose another child. I have lost two already. Please don’t make me lose my little girl.”

She looked into his eyes, and saw just how tired he was in that moment. They had all suffered loss, but to him.. to a parent, it was different. He lost two of his own children, buried before their time. He’d lost the love of his life, buried her too. And when she considered it all from that lens.. were she a parent, she’d be terrified too. To know that she was almost quite literally staring war in the face and refusing to fight back.. of course it would terrify him. Were her mother still alive it would terrify her too. She had a feeling of what her father might ask of her, and her ears fell back.

“.. I.. I’m sorry, Ann’da. But I can’t abandon this work. I know it’s dangerous, but.. but I have good people around me. People who care about this work, and protecting those of us who chase it.”

“Then let someone else chase it, my daughter- please. Why does it have to be you?”

“.. Because if not me, then who else? You always taught me that I should never wait for someone else to take up the mantle when I could do it myself. That it was every person’s responsibility to stand up against injustice when they face it.”

“Yes, but that was before our Warchief took up the mantle of the future Lich King!” His voice rose, and it was clear he held as much rage and disdain for Sylvanas as she did- perhaps more.

“She had no issues taking a torch to a World Tree- no issues bombing- BLIGHTING- her own city and soldiers to prevent its loss. She may’ve once been a great leader for us but she abandoned our people long ago to serve the dead! Do you think she’ll have any qualms squashing the Outreach? Do you think her loyalists would bat an eye before calling your actions treasonous and leaving you to hang?!”

Startled, Altherei stared at her father with wide eyes. Seeming to understand he crossed a line, Darsamane dipped his head, and the fire that had overtaken his words fizzled underneath the weight of his worry. It all came from a place of love.. she knew that.

“Please.. please, Altherei. Let someone else take this burden. It doesn’t have to be you.” His voice was quiet, pleading as she knelt before him and wrapped him in a tight hug. He knew her mind was made up- perhaps it was why he was so desperate not to let go of her.

“I’m.. I’m sorry, Ann’da- really, I am. But.. if I do nothing.. I could never forgive myself. I have to do this. I’m sorry.” She stood then, and having nothing else to say, dipped her head once and threw her cloak around her shoulders. After she left, Darsamane could only hold his head in his hands. Gone were the days of easy troubles- tending scraped knees and soothing childish nightmares. Now the problems his family faced were intimately, frighteningly real. He couldn’t lose his daughter- but how could he protect her? He was no spellblade, no ranger.. just an old man of science. Surely he’d think of something.

As Altherei departed, her heart was heavy. She understood that her father’s concern, and even his anger, came from his love and his grief. A parent should never have to bury their child, after all- and he’d buried two. In a way, it was selfish to continue the Outreach’s work. But what was more selfish- continuing to aid others despite the grief it brought those closest to her.. or refusing to help the many to bring peace of mind to the few? It was a cold equation, yet simple. If she died for the cause of peace, then so be it. But at least she would have died as she lived- for something.

She continued down the path that lead to Tranquillien to catch the flight master, on her way to handle more work at the ruins of what would soon be Haven. But neither she nor her father had been aware of the two yellow eyes that had been watching their conversation from a distant hill, peering through the windows of his estate. A guttural growl came from a sneer as the eyes disappeared into the shadows.

#current #story

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mycoollalalalisa-blog · 5 years

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God Given

Hi my name is, Cyred Van Axle! 16 years old. So as a younger daughter of my parents I am very thankful because I have them in my life and at the same time I am very blessed because God gave me a very supportive parents like them that will support you anytime, anywhere on what you are longing to be. They supported me at the very beginning of my life.

I am very lucky to have them in my life. I can say that the greatest give that I received from my 16 years here in the world that Ive ever forgotten is my mother and father because they are god given to me. I am not here if they are not destined to each other. They are always here for me whenever I have a problems or difficulties in life, but sometimes I cant inevitable myself to be unruly to them and being ill mannered in terms of exchanging words to them. I dont want to be a rude daughter to them even though Im not that perfect person I know to myself that the love that I gave is faithful.

They sacrifice a lot of things for us just to give us a good and better life and in exchange I need to study well, be an industrious daughter and student to them just to give back all the hardworks they provided to us. So that for future I can handle myself well with their support and unconditional love.

As a daughter of them I need to learn a lot of things at a young age so that I will not be burden to them at a later time. I should be a good daughter to them now because I know what is right or wrong, be responsible enough, we are growing up so fast we often forget that they are also growing old all we need to do is appreciate them full heartedly and be sensitive sometimes to them because if we did something wrong it will might hurt their feelings and maybe they will got irritated to us.

Back then they are the one who always take care to us but now that we are already growing up and they are also growing old its our obligation to give back all of it. Likewise we need to take care of them like what they are doing back then. They should feel the love of us to them and make them feel special to us. Hug and kiss your parents now! I hope there are some lesson that you have learned today.

Before I end this I will leave a one quotation. Thankyou!

“Listen to your parents. Be obedient to them whether you agree with them or not. They love you more than anyone else and have your best interests in your heart.” -James E. Faust

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irregulardiaryposts · 3 years

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00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like ->#june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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brunchbitch · 6 years

Note

I feel so shitty :( I told my boyfriend Ive been throwing up my meals and cutting myself lately and he freaked out and yelled at me. I know its because he cares but I feel so bad for upsetting him but I just cant stop. :(

I’m sorry he yelled at you. That’s not a very helpful response and I’m sure that was a really difficult thing to tell him. I would write him a letter (or tell him in person) that it was hurtful and that it was hard for you to let him in (if that’s true).

If you don’t WANT to stop, I can understand people being frustrated (I’ve had that happen before) bc they don’t want you to hurt yourself, but if you WANT to stop but can’t, your loved ones should do their best to be supportive and help you however they can. There’s a way to express frustration/fear without yelling at someone.

Are you in therapy? Can you bring up your boyfriend’s reaction with your therapist? Since they may know more about your situation, they could be better suited to suggesting what might be helpful with him. If you’re not in therapy, I would highly highly recommend it. No one can go through what you’re going through alone. You need and deserve help.

But that also means that you have to think about how best your loved ones can support you and discuss with them how much they’re able to “take on” (like if your boyfriend says “I can’t hear about specific times that you cut or throw up. If you can tell me what’s difficult about the underlying situation or emotions, I will feel better able to help you.” then that’s your responsibility to ask for help in appropriate ways while not putting too much on him).

I have no idea what your loved ones feel like they can handle so that may be a specific question for each person. If the person doesn’t know how to answer or doesn’t know what would be most appropriate, maybe bring them into a therapy session or devise a document with your therapist that can help them figure out how best to help you - for example, some questions you could ask would be: “do you feel better able to support me when you know specifics of what made me use a behavior or would it be more helpful to you to know the emotions I was feeling?”, “do you think you would become angry with me if I told you when I used a behavior?”, “would you prefer to hear what I’m struggling with as it’s happening or after I’ve used some skills and calmed down?” etc.

I know these are hard questions and you want someone to respond a certain way (for me, for example, sometimes I wanted people to basically be able to talk me down from the ledge with whatever behavior I wanted to use, sometimes I wanted people to know what was going on with me even if I wasn’t saying it/was only showing it through behaviors, but neither of those are fair to the other person bc no one is perfect and no one is able to read my mind or “save” me every time I struggle. That’s a perfect disaster for burning through relationships. I had to learn to skills coach myself, to deal with really difficult situations without using behaviors, before I could get to the point now where I feel like I can mostly effectively rely on people, though am not always perfect). It may take some trial and error and that’s okay. A relationship involves two people so it’s important to find a way to meet in the middle where you have the best chance of supporting each other, rather than one person usually carrying around 90% of the emotional burden. I hope that’s helpful ❤️

#advice #TW self harm #TW cutting #TW purging #cutting #self harm #purging #dbt skills #interpersonal effectiveness #answered

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sicklylittlesnowflake · 7 years

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“You could never be a burden, [Keith], when all I’ve wanted to do is care for you.” Klance with Keith being stubborn idiot not wanting to burden Lance. Thank you!!! :)

(Ooh my first sick keef fic!!! Also anon when u said stubborn idiot I really did give u a stubborn idiot lol..also this is short for now while I try to get back into the swing of things!!)

Keith could not have had a worse day.

He feels like the whole world, an entire galaxy, the entire universe is on his shoulders, and it’s so so heavy and weighing down on him. Keith doesn’t think he’s strong enough. He can feel it tip, tilting and about to fall away. Because he’s not strong enough.

Keith doesn’t want to be a leader, he never asked for this. He finds it hard to connect with other people and downright just speak to them, let alone lead them to protect the entire universe.

He is beyond stressed, losing himself within the depths of his own mind as he desperately tries to calculate and process this all. In the process he just loses himself, detached from his own body as he floats away from everyone else.

In the midst of his haze he hasn’t even realised that somewhere in the middle of all of this, he’s gotten sick.

Keith doesn’t get sick very often, he’s had a strong immune system all his life, but he’s still (half) human, so naturally, he gets sick. Especially when the universe throws this overwhelming duty upon him that he has no interest in bestowing. He feels a little woozy, a bit off and there’s a tiredness looming over his entire body that weighs him down. He feels heavy and warm in the most draining way, and also feeling so bitterly cold it nips at him, leaving his body trembling.

Keith only realises he’s sick as he fails to dodge a shot from one of Lotor’s goons at the Black Lion. He groans in frustration, wondering why he wasn’t in his A game, why he couldn’t just snap out of it, and it finally hits him.

As the beam of light hits black, his head overlords with sensory stimuli and it pierces deep into his head. Keith grunts in pain, teeth clenched as his headache intensifies. He winces as the light blinds him, and Black slows down. A wave of nausea hits him and he is rendered useless for the next few moments, and that is a big enough window of time for Lotor and his goons to disappear into the fog.

“Keith? You alright?”

Keith hisses in frustration, his grip on his controls tightening in anger as he realises his mistake.

“I’m fine, Lance! We’ve lost Lotor, c'mon, we’ve got to go after him!”

“Uh, Keith? I’m detecting some sort of unknown elements in the fog and I really don’t think it’s a good idea!” Hunk warns worriedly.

“We’re fine,” Keith hisses, his headache probing at him repeatedly and blazing with fury. Lotor is not going to get away, no one else is going to get hurt, he’s going to end this once and for all. He is not going to fail. He won’t let anyone down. Not anymore.

He charges Black forward at maximum speed, making a beeline for the dog where Lotor disappeared. He’s shaking, and he doesn’t know if that’s his fever or if that’s the adrenaline pumping through his body. He can feel his heart racing and pumping blood into his veins, his headache reaches a blinding peak, and all he can see is forward.

“Keith! Don’t do this!” He can hear Lance yell.

Keith charges on, he keeps heading towards the fog until it engulfs him completely.

“Keith, stop it! STOP! KEITH!!”

Then everything stops all at once.

Everything goes numb and everything is so light. Black tilts, and everything goes silent as she begins to free fall towards the ground. She’s losing strength, and everything is so hauntingly peaceful and quiet that Keith cant feel anything. He’s falling into a void, a vacuum, the epitome of a nihilistic state.

He’s falling.

Falling into nothingness. It’s hauntingly beautiful, this way. Keith would take feeling nothing over everything. Because prior to this Keith could feel everything and it was too much.

It’s peaceful as he falls.

He can faintly hear distressed yelling and Keith is so feverish he’s not even sure if it’s real. He doesn’t know what’s real anymore, if he is. He can only feel the lightness of his fall, the fear ablaze in his heart mixed eerily with a ominous sense of calm. A strange acceptance.

Then suddenly he feels a violent crash, a flash of red colliding into him and pushing him into a cliff, breaking his fall.

Keith gasps at the sudden change in atmosphere and braces himself for the impact as Black scrapes against the rocky surface. He opens his eyes when he believes the worst of it is over and gasps to see the Red Lion drop and lose function. Black goes offline shortly after.

Red then opens up and Lance comes running out, red faced and eyes wild with fear and worry.

“Keith!” Lance screams worriedly, running towards Black.

Keith hisses in pain, unable to help the strangled whimper that escapes his throat as his headache reaches a blinding peak. He bangs his head against the control panel, gritting his teeth. He’s not sure if it’s out of frustration at the pain he’s feeling or having burdened and let down Lance like this. He can’t burden Lance anymore than he already is.

Keith picks himself up off of the chair and staggers out of the Lion, trying to seem as normal and not in pain as he could. When he meets Lance’s eyes he sees that they are wild and blazing with worry.

A pang of guilt and resentment for himself shoots throughout Keith’s body, realising what he had just done. He had failed again, he let everyone down. Keith wasn’t good enough.

“Keith! What was that?!” Lance exclaims worriedly as he runs towards him. Keith’s fever somehow makes him misinterpret Lance’s genuine concern with belittlement.

“I know I messed up, Lance!” Keith hisses defensively, pushing Lance away when he gets close to him.

Lance’s face falls, and his eyes go dark and his open arms drop to his sides as he freezes. Keith hates the way the light in Lance’s eyes flicker dangerously and how his bottom lip is slightly quivering.

But Lance picks himself before he can fall apart and he’s tensing up defensively. He straightens and tries to look stronger and put together but Lance can’t find the way his hands still shake from Keith.

“I was just worried for you, Keith, forgive me for trying to look out for you,” Lance grunts defensively as he backs away from Keith and tears his gaze off of him. Lance starts to look everywhere but Keith’s eyes and slumps down on the ground, crossing his arms.

Keith feels awfully guilty, but he needs to stay cold so he can’t burden Lance with this illness, “You can’t just sit there.”

Lance huffs, “Well, what do you want me to do, mullet? Our lions are both clearly offline and we can either wait for the others to find us or wait til’ they come back online. Sitting here is all I can do.”

Keith sighs and feels an overwhelming wave of exhaustion hit him. He’s far too tired to deal with any of this, and he sits down next to Lance in defeat. He keeps his distance though, he’s feverish and sick but he has his pride.

His shoulders slump lifelessly as his hair falls over his face, his body trembling with chills. Keith’s eyes feel heavy, drooping and yearning for sleep. He feels unbelievably weak, like there’s a huge weight weighing down on him. Like this responsibility is whats making him sick in the first place.

Keith’s body trembles, and lets out a series of soft, but congested little coughs into his shoulder. His chest feels sore and achy as he coughs. They have a hoarse, barking timbre to it and it leaves a soreness behind in his chest and leaving him more exhausted than he is. Keith brings his knees up and hugs them to try and warm himself up, anchoring to himself in fear that his body would fail on him and collapse if he let go.

“That was really stupid,” Lance says suddenly, Keith doesn’t even know if Lance is speaking to him, his voice low and dull. He doesn’t look at him when he speaks.

“Yeah yeah, I get it Lance, I know I screwed up. Hell, I don’t even know where the others are, and this is all because I made a bad call, I’m sorry okay?!” Keith exclaims, but he’s strained and exhausted. He’s too empty and weak to fight anymore.

“I’m not talking about that. And the others are fine,” Lance says tiredly.

Keith doesn’t respond, mostly because his brain can’t compute anything and he’s far too tired and exhausted. He just wants to sleep. He shudders, an itch blossoming in his sinuses that rip out a throaty sneeze out of him, which he barely covers with his elbow.

Lance is suddenly alarmed, turning his head to view his state and his eyes widen.

“Jesus, Keith, you’re shivering. You need to go back inside–”

Keith can’t handle this, he’s in so much pain and he feels so guilty, he feels so sick and weak and exhausted and he doesn’t want any of this. His brain is overloading and he’s so overwhelmed, his breathing picks up slightly as tears begin to prick at his eyes. He can’t do this anymore.

“Why do you even care, Lance?! Since when do you care?!” Keith hisses bitterly, and his words stab icy daggers into Lance’s heart because Keith can see it happen. He’s such a fuck up. He can’t do anything right.

“Since when, Keith?! Since when?! In case you didn’t know I came after you when you fell into the fog! I came after you when everyone was yelling it was too dangerous because I care, Keith! I care!” Lance yells, clearly very upset. Tears prick his eyes, and the volume is too much for Keith’s sickened mind. It’s all too much.

“I’m so upset that you would even go so far as to imply that I don’t! I came after you because I made a promise to myself to do whatever it takes to keep you safe, because I care, dammit!” Lance cries, a few tears spilling from his eyes. He aggressively wipes them off of his face and turns away from Keith again, seething in anger and betrayal, breathing heavily.

Keith can’t compute this.

His head hurts so so much, he feels so sick and weak, and the whole world is spinning. It’s spinning too fast and Keith can’t keep up. He’s overwhelmed by the prospect of being taken care of, when he’s spent so many years alone he’s forgotten that he’s a person who can be cared for. He was so sure that no one would ever care for him and Lance was turning everything around, making him reevaluate the safe thick walls he’s built for himself.

He can’t take it.

Keith bursts into tears, his entire body racked with sobs. His body convulses as strangled sobs tear their way out of Keith’s threat. He buries his face in his hands as the tears spill from his face and into his hands.

“Keith?!”

Lance inches closer to Keith, and he reaches out to hold him but hesitates.

“Can I..?”

“Please,” Keith cries out, reaching out for Lance desperately. He needs this. He’s been so alone for so long he just needs someone to tell him it’s going to be alright.

Lance is at his side in an instant, taking Keith into his arms and letting Keith bury his head into chest. He embraces him with so much love and care, whatever it takes to make this all stop. Lance can’t take this. He rubs his back soothingly, kissing the top of Keith’s head. Lance hesitates for a moment.

“..Keith..you’re sick,” He realises, as he feels the heat pouring off of the boy.

“I’m sorry Lance, I don’t want to burden you, I’m so sorry I got us into this mess,” Keith cries.

“We can fix it, it’s okay, Keith. And you’re not a burden, if you’re a burden, what am I?” Lance says without a thought, and suddenly they’re both freezing up as they both realise the weight of what was just said.

The silence is agonising.

“…We’re both pretty screwed up, huh?” Keith finally says.

Lance manages a shaky chuckle at that, “..Yup. But Keith..I’m so sorry I blew up at you like that..I didn’t know you were sick..”

Keith lets out a shaky exhale as he tries and regain his composure, “..I’m sorry too..I just..short circuit when people care about me..ask Shiro when he comes back..I just..i’m not used to it, and it’s..just too much for me.”

Lance sighs softly and tightens his embrace, “You’re going to have to get used to it then, because I’m going to make it my life mission to make sure you are filled with so much care every day. I care about you so much Keith, and I hope you know this.”

“I don’t want to be a burden,” Keith whispers, voice cracking.

“You could never be a burden, Keith, when all I’ve wanted to do is care for you.” Lance whispers lovingly, nuzzling his nose into Keith’s soft hair.

Keith relaxed under his warm, loving embrace. He felt safe right here in his arms, and the world which seemed so big just moments ago suddenly seemed very small in Lance’s arms. Maybe it was because Lance was all he could see now, and that was a world Keith certainly did not mind living in.

"You’re going to be okay, Keith, I promise you once we get back I’ll take care of you. I’ll do it right, and I’ll make you sure you’re never alone ever again,” Lance promises softly.

Keith can only nod, he doesn’t know how much time has passed because with Lance all time seems to stop but the lights of a familiar Yellow Lion near them and he couldn’t help but sink further into Lance’s arms knowing that they would be just okay.

With Lance beside him the weight of the universe lifted off of his shoulders and he felt a lot lighter with Lance sharing it with him. Lance was someone Keith didn’t really mind sharing the universe with.

He was much stronger with him by his side. Lance kept him grounded, holding him steady and this time Keith was sure he wasn’t float away.

#keith kogane #lance mcclain #klance #klangst #voltron #whump #vld #voltron legendary defender #vld keith #vld lance #laith #sickfic #fever #hurt/comfort #prompts #hunk garrett #prince lotor

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iamtaekooked · 7 years

Text

BTS reaction- Finding out about your depression

Anon asked: “ Can I request a BTS reaction to finding out you go to therapy for depression & suicidal thoughts”

A/N: I am going to tweak it just a little bit and only mention depression as one of the themes as I am not comfortable talking about anything suicide related.Also I made it so that they didnt know about the depression to begin with. I am sorry anon and I hope that its okay for you :)

If you are reading this and you do struggle with depression I want you to know that you can do it. I want to tell you that you can get through it because you are stronger than your mind. You are stronger than all the negative emotions. Please don’t give up. Keep fighting because I know you can. If anyone ever needs to talk please do message me. Don’t struggle alone and shoulder this by yourself. I struggle with anxiety so I can understand. You are not as alone as you think. Stay strong. <3

WARNING: May be triggering.

*gifs not mine. Credit to owners*

MASTERLIST

Jin

I believe Jin would be very very very shocked. He expects a lot from himself and somewhere he prides himself on being a caring person. So I think he would blame himself for not taking care of you sooner. I imagine he would beat himself up over it.

He accidentally overheard you talking to your therapist on the phone, and that’s how he found out you went to therapy. He didn’t really know how to react and how to ask you because he felt like he failed you. He came behind you and wrapped his arms around your shoulder. “I am sorry” he whispered. You were puzzled by his reaction. Before you could speak he continued on “Why didn’t you tell me y/n? You know I would have helped you right?” You could feel his tears spilling on your shoulder. “I am sorry too. I didn’t want to burden you” you replied in a raspy voice. “Lets be together babe. Forever. Let me take care of you okay?” he kissed your shoulder.

Yoongi

I think he would be hurt the most and he would understand it the best. He would be like Jin in the sense that he would feel he failed but not for the same reason. Because has been though depression I think he would even hate himself to an extent for not figuring it out sooner.

The moment you told him you had depression and went to therapy for it he would break down. He would apologize to you again and again. “I am so sorry for having been such a bad boyfriend” he would cry and wrap you tightly in his arms, afraid that you would vanish from before his eyes if he didn’t. “Yoongi dont..” he cut you off. before you could continue “No y/n you dont understand. I should have known because I have been through it. I should have seen it” he berated himself. “You have me y/n. You will always have me. Lets get through it together okay? Please be strong for me because I cant lose you” he kissed your forehead while one of his arms was still wrapped around your shoulders.

Namjoon

He is a very rational guy, so I think he would be the calmest out of them all. But that doesn’t mean he wont be hurting. I think for your sake he would keep a cool and calm front. But he would be very sad on the inside.

Namjoon listened to you as you told him about your depression and that you had been seeking help for it. “I am so proud of you. You know that?” he smiled at you while holding your hands in his as a gesture of his understanding and support. He would move closer to you and embrace you. “My baby is very strong. I am so so so proud of you for being so brave. It makes me respect you and love you even more” he said while trying to blink away the tears. You couldn’t see his face but he was hurting just as much as you were. “I am here with you. Come to me anytime, and I will help you. Dont hide from me anymore please” he softly said. “Thank you” you replied. He tightened his arms around you even more and rocked you both back and forth.

Hoseok

He is very emotional and he cares too deep so I think he would most likely cry.He would be very hurt and sad that you had to go through something like that. I don’t think he would let you out of his sight after finding out.

Tears were pouring down his face as you let out all your feelings. “Y/n” he choked out your name and he opened his arms. He motioned for you to come to him and he cried on your shoulder. “I am never letting you out of my sight. For your next appointment you are taking me with you. Promise?” he asked you as he wiped his tears. “Thank you Hoseok. For caring so much” you avoided his gaze. “No. Thank you y/n. For telling me. I love you and I am going to love you so much more that your heart will be filled with nothing but me” he said as he kissed you all over your face. “I am never letting you be sad again. You have to promise me that no matter what happens, you will come to me first.” he said as he gazed into your eyes. “Please trust me.” he said in a raspy voice.

Jimin

I think Jimin would be a mix of Yoongi, Namjoon and Hoseok. At first he would be too shocked to respond, but as your words sunk in he would realize that he needed to be there for you and that he needed to take care of you even more.

Jimin had no idea that you were depressed to begin with and when you sat him down and told him he went very silent. “Jimin” you had to shake him to get him to respond. “Baby how long? Why did I never...” the questions were more for him than you. As you told him your story, tears started building up in his eyes. He kind of sat shocked, but at the same time he felt angry at himself for not being able to see that behind every laugh, every smile, every word of yours was a lot of suffering. “You aren't alone anymore. You are not going to be sad anymore because I am going make sure that every moment you spend is a happy one” he brought you close to him and held you there silently. He looked into your eyes and all he hoped for you to see was the love he had for you.

Taehyung

I think Taehyung would be very understanding and supportive. Contrary to what a lot of people think, he wouldn't be confused. I think he would really understand you and offer his full support and love to you. Behind all the silliness, is a very deeply emotional guy, so he would know the right things to say.

Taehyung was very calm as you told him about your depression struggles. After a moment of silence he brought your hands in his and kissed each of your fingers. “You have always been the light in dark for me y/n. But now let me the happiness in your sad times. Let me do everything for you. Let me take care of you.” he genuinely smiled at you. You nodded your head as tears fell from your eyes. He cupped your face and kissed your tears away. He brought his lips over yours and kissed you softly but deeply. It took your breath away. “Tae I don't know how to thank you” you said meekly. “Shh.” he shook his head and sat you on his lap while whispering soothing words to you.

Jungkook

I think he has grown up a lot so he will be able to handle the situation. He would quietly listen to you, but somewhere he would be angry at himself. He would be angry because he didn't meet you sooner to help you through the tough times. He felt bad and guilty for not being able to protect you when all he wanted to do was keep you safe.

His hands were balled into fists on his knees. He was trying hard to control the anger he was feeling at himself. “I am sorry for not being able to protect you, not just from the world but from yourself.” he mumbled as he tried to choke back the tears. He took a deep breath and spoke in a more smoother voice. “You don't know this but I swore that I would always be there for you. I swore to myself that I would always love you. So please y/n let me love you and be there for you.” You nodded in response and he continued. “We’re going to get through this together. This is my problem too now. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on, like I always should have been. So come to me anytime. Please” he pleaded . He pulled you into his chest and softly hummed to you.

*please excuse any spelling errors*

I hope you like this anon! I also made this vey gender neutral as you requested! Have a lovely day ahead everyone

Stay Happy. Stay Healthy. Stay Beautiful

Love

Gia

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