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jedifighterpilot2727 · 7 months

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All Myx'd Up - Part 4

The fourth and final chapter in the 'All Myx'd Up' miniseries!

I hope you all have enjoyed this little story as much as I have, because it's safe to say that I've written more in the past few months (over all my stories), than I have in years and it's been an absolute blast! I have every intention of keeping up the writing pace, (with some attention going towards the book, of course). As always, I love to hear from you guys! Whether it's about fanfic, or fandom, or just general nerdiness!

After Kara's tearful confession, the group had effectively split up. Kara and Lena chose to stay in the med bay, Alex had taken some samples and run off to her lab, and Lexi had escaped to the computer library.

Which is how she found herself seated at a desk with two laptops, three tablets, and a paused hologram; all focused on a different aspect of research.

"You're doing the thing your mother does." Alex's voice in Lexi's ear startles her, as does the finger poking her in the middle of her forehead.

"Sorry, crinkle comes with the territory."

"Not the crinkle thing; the dark, brooding thing. Other mother."

"Well, you know, if you specified which mother, I wouldn't have to guess." Lexi counters, not bothering to disguise the bite in her voice.

"Whoa, Kiddo. I get it, your mom's acting weird and you're stressed. No need to snap at me, we're on the same team - we'll figure it out. Trust me, your mom will be back to herself in no time."

Lexi closes her eyes and forces herself to take a deep breath, holding it for a moment before exhaling her anger with the air.

"Easy for you to say, your mom didn't completely forget you existed."

"Ahhh. I see."

"I mean, I know I do a pretty good job at hiding it most of the time; but I do have abandonment issues."

"Yeah, you get that from your mother too."

"Both of them." Alex is quick to clarify as Lexi raises her eyebrow.

"Or, ya know, the fact that I got abandoned at an orphanage as a baby, that might have something to do with it."

"Hey, kiddo, we've all got issues, save it for therapy." Alex deadpans, and it has the intended effect with Lexi snorting a laugh.

They stand in silence for a few minutes before Alex speaks again.

"Do you know what exactly it is that the Black Mercy does?"

"Yeah, it like puts you in this dream state where you can't tell what's real life and what's your imagination."

"Sort of. It convinces your brain that whatever your perfect dream world is, it exists, and you're in it. So the fact that Kara thinks she's under the effects of Black Mercy right now says a lot."

Lexi puts down her tablet to give Alex her full attention.

"Like what?"

"Well, for starters; it says that, in her mind, a world with you and your mom is the greatest possible outcome in life that she can imagine."

Lexi is quiet at that, thumb tapping the tip of each of the fingers of the same hand in a silent rhythm.

"It also means that she thinks I'm the fuddy duddy who's come to ruin her fun and drag her back to the real world." Alex smiles deprecatingly. "So she may not remember you, but she remembers me as the bad guy. Arguably a worse position to be in."

"You're not the bad guy." Lexi is quick to correct her.

"No? Why does everyone always expect me to be the Debbie Downer then?"

"It's not that, it's just . . . everyone trusts you to make the right decision. Even when it sucks. Even if it kills you to do it, you'll do what needs to be done. That's why you have the Kryptonite bullets."

Alex freezes at that, eyes instantly narrowing in suspicion,

"How do you know about the Kryptonite bullets?"

Lexi shrugs.

"That's not the point, The point is that you're the only one in the entire universe that the moms would trust to have them - would trust to use them, if the time came. That's not something to take lightly -"

"I don't."

"I know you don't. And I know you don't ever want to have to use them; that it would destroy you to have to use them. But you'd still do it. That's why you're Aunt Alex. That's why I call you when there's a mouse in my apartment, and why you have Kryptonite bullets, and why practically everyone you know has you as their power of attorney if something happens to them. You'll do what needs to be done."

"I know you're trying to make me feel better, Kiddo, but you're just making me sound like a robot with no feelings."

"If you were a robot with no feelings, then no one would trust you with the things that they do. You understand the feelings, you feel the feelings, but you can separate the feelings from what needs to be done. Frankly, it's a shit gig; and I'm glad you're the one who has it and not me. But it says something about your character, you know? Not a lot of people would do what you do. It's one of the reasons you're my favorite aunt."

"I'm your only aunt, besided, I thought I was supposed to be the one making you feel better here?"

"Yeah, you were and then you had to go and make it about you." Lexi counters, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly and Alex answers with a light smack on the back of her niece's head.

"Watch it, kiddo, I'm still your elder."

"Well, you are old."

"When did you become such a smart ass?"

"Hmm, I think it all started around three and a half; about the time I started hanging around you."

Alex's only good response to that is another smack.

"Seriously though," Lexi rubs the back of her head with a laugh. "I'm glad we can at least rule out Black Mercy. Maybe we should start a list of all of the things that aren't wrong with mom."

"Not a terrible idea." Alex concedes. "Kind of like working on a diagnosis, I suppose; instead of getting disappointed by the wrong answers, we can see it as one step closer to the truth."

"So if it's not Black Mercy, what's the opposite of Black Mercy? . . . Black Death?"

"You mean. . . like the bubonic plague? I don't think your mom caught the Black Plague from that alien she fought last night. I mean, I can run some tests -" Alex reaches for her comm button but Lexi waves a hand to stop her.

"No, no, sorry; bad wording. I just mean what if there's an alien spore, but instead of sending you into a deep sleep where all of your dreams feel like they're coming true - it's your nightmares that feel real." Lexi's gaze is a hundred miles away, and Alex can practically see the wheels turning in her brain.

"I'm listening."

"Come on, we should go back to the med bay, my thoughts are all jumbled and I don't want to try and explain this twice."

Alex allows herself to be drug to one of the med bay conference rooms, where Lena is standing at the small lectern while she plays a picture slideshow on the wall.

"Ok, but why did you let me go out in public - much worse a charity gala - with my hair looking like that?" Kara is asking as they walk in.

"Well, to be fair, that look was all the rage . . . for a half a season . . . Catco even did a spread about it."

Kara's face is positively horrified.

"Sounds like the editor should be fired."

"Well, Darling, you're the editor."

Kara's nose crinkles, and she studies the picture again.

"Well, I should definitely fire myself."

"I hate to interrupt this weeks episode of the fashion police," Alex cuts in. "But baby Einstein has an idea."

Hope lights up Lena's face and she turns her attention to Lexi.

"Did you figure out what's going on?"

"Not exactly, but we figured out what's not going on."

"Alright, well, that's something I guess." Lena concedes as she takes a seat next to Kara and lets Lexi have the podium. "What's not the problem?"

"Well, we know it's not black mercy, right? Because if so, the real world would be the crappy world and the dream would be the good world. But instead, the real world is the good world and Mom was sent to some crappy world."

"I'm not following." Lena admits.

Lexi shuts down the slideshow projected on the white board and looks frantically for a dry erase marker.

"Alright, so -" Lexi finally snags a bright green marker from a bin in the corner and writes 'Black Mercy' in large letters on one side of the white board and a giant question mark on the other.

"What exactly is Black Mercy?" she posits the question to the room and Lena can't help but feel a little like she's in a college lecture, especially when Kara raises her hand.

"It's an alien plant that projects a dream of your perfect life into your dreams so that you stay under and don't want to go back to real life."

"Exactly." Lexi writes 'One good dream' under Black Mercy on the board. "So what's the opposite of a good dream?"

"A nightmare." Kara is sitting forward with folded hands and elbows on the table like an eager student or someone way too invested in a game of Pictionary.

So she basically looks like she usually does every game night.

"Right!" Lexi scrawls out 'nightmare' under the question mark. "But what's the opposite of one?"

"Uhhh, a lot?" Alex looks just confused as Lena feels.

"Exactly!" Lexi points to Kara. "And what happened to you last night?"

Kara looks to Lena and Alex for help but is met only with shrugs.

"I . . . fought an alien?"

"Yeah, but like, what do you remember happening?"

"Ummm. Well. I was upset, because Lena wasn't speaking to me."

"Because . . . " Lexi leads.

"Because I waited too long to tell her that I'm Supergirl?"

"Ok, so mom not talking to you, we'll classify that under 'nightmare' category, right?"

Kara's gaze flickers to Lena; a sad, hollowed out expression in her eyes.

"Definitely not the most fun experience."

"Then what happened?"

"Then I went back to my apartment and Mxyptlk showed up."

"Right, so I don't know a ton about this guy, but I think it's safe to say that we can file him under the 'nightmare' category too?"

"Most certainly." Lena answers for Kara this time, reaching out to grab her wife's restless fingers.

"Then what happened?" Lexi presses, and Kara's fingers tighten around Lena's, her expression growing even more sullen.

"Then he basically showed me all the different ways that I could have possibly screwed up my relationship with Lena."

"Were any of the scenarios good?"

"Ummm, no. I mean some weren't as terrible as others, but they were all pretty bad."

Lexi writes 'bad x many' on the board and turns to her moms, looking almost apologetic.

"I know it's not fun to relive, but it supports my theory, I promise."

"And what exactly is your theory?" Alex pipes up.

"Okay, so -" Lexi turns back to the board, circling and underlining as she talks.

"Black Mercy is one, really good dream. What if what we're dealing with is something that's the exact opposite of Black Mercy? Lots of really bad dreams."

"The opposite of paradise is hell." Lena mutters.

Lexi spins, pointing the marker at Lena like she's just won the game.

"Exactly! What if you fought with the alien and it released some kind of fungal spore that has the opposite effect of Black Mercy? So then you go home, everyone thinks everything is fine; but as you're sleeping, the fungus releases its toxin and causes you to enter a dream like state where you experience a series of nightmares. The fungus and the nightmares affect your prefrontal cortex to such an extent that when you finally wake up, the dreams feel like they were a reality."

"So, like the movie Inception, she can't tell what's a dream and what's not." Alex simplifies.

"Exactly!"

Lena shifts her attention to Kara, who's staring pensively at the board.

"What do you think, Darling?"

"I mean . . . it makes sense, I guess." Kara blows out a breath. "But in the movie, he had the top thing so he could spin it and always know if he was in the real universe or the dream universe. What's my top? How am I supposed to know that this is the real universe and that you guys aren't just my dream telling me it's real?"

Lexi deflates slightly, looking to her audience for help.

"Well, I didn't figure that part out. Any ideas?"

Silence falls over the group as they contemplate this new problem.

"We could ask you questions that only you from this universe would know the answer to?" Alex offers finally.

"The only problem is that I've been studying this world ever since I woke up, what if I only know the answer because I saw some sort of clue?"

Lena drums her fingers on the table, and Kara's hand almost immediately drops to her thigh and gives a reassuring squeeze.

Just like she usually did in times of stress.

As inconspicuously as possible, Lena studies her wife. Kara doesn't even seem to register the fact that she's moved to comfort Lena, her other hand fiddling with her glasses as her eyes squint at the white board. It's then Lena realizes that Kara's acted completely without thought, her body reacting to Lena instinctively.

Instincts.

Instinctive memory that's stronger than conscious memory, sometimes even filling in when the latter eludes us.

"I've got it!" she crows a little too loudly, and everyone swivels their attention to her. "Your pre-frontal cortex is confused, but it can be over ridden by your cerebellum."

Alex and Lexi nod like they've caught on but Kara still looks confused.

"It's like when you forget a key code to a door you've used for years, but if you just kind of unfocus your cerebellum takes over and lets you punch in the code by muscle memory." Lena explains.

Understanding lights in Kara's eyes.

"So my cerebellum will still remember the right universe, even if my pre-frontal cortex doesn't?"

"Exactly." Lena nods.

"Great!" Alex claps her hands, "But how do we test that?"

"Well, like you suggested, with questions that only she would know the answer to. In a rapid fire format so she can't cheat and use clues she's found today." Lena answers, already wracking her brain for questions, but Alex beats her to it.

"What's the speed trajectory that you would have to adjust to if you were flying towards the ground at 170 miles an hour in order to avoid cracking the concrete of the sidewalk?"

Kara opens her mouth to answer but Lexi interrupts.

"Nope, not a qualifying question - Mom still had super powers in the other universe, and the answer would be the same in both." Lexi pauses for a moment before posing her own question.

"When's your anniversary with Mom?"

"September 22nd." Kara answers quickly before looking guiltily at Lena. "I did see our wedding photos today though, so I don't know if I trust that as a good question."

"Even when you don't remember what universe you're from, you still remember your anniversary, way to go for making the rest of us look bad." Alex grumbles.

Kara raises her hands in a shrug, and Lena takes her turn to ask a question.

"You're at the grocery store and I call you and ask you to pick up jelly, what flavor are you getting?"

Kara's eyes start to drift, thinking of the answer and Lena snaps her fingers.

"Quick! Don't think just answer!"

"Raspberry!" Kara blurts out and the rest of the group lets out a collective sigh. "Was I right?"

"Yes." Lena eyes her cautiously. "But why raspberry?"

"Because Lexi only like raspberry or grape, and after she ate too much grape jelly and threw up after soccer practice that one time, she only eats raspberry."

Realization dawns on Kara's face and she looks to Lexi.

"You threw up, all over your soccer jersey; and no matter how many times we washed it, it always had that purple stain on the number." She looks back to Lena, eyes filling with tears.

"You remember!" Lena can barely contain her excitement, and she throws herself at Kara, sending the conference chair rolling across the rug.

"So that's it?" Kara mumbles against Lena's hair. "This is my universe?"

"This is your universe!" Lexi confirms with a grin before her nose crinkles in disgust. "I still can't eat grape jelly."

Alex laughs and begins erasing the white board, but Kara's still tense with worry.

"So all those universes where I told you my secret and you hated me or something bad happened . . . those were all just nightmares?"

"All just nightmares." Lena confirms, and Lexi nods.

"I would say we run some tests to find out what exactly caused your condition, but the way it's progressing, I'd say it's too fast acting and will probably be completely worn off before we even know what we're looking for. Right Aunt Alex?"

"Right. I imagine it was some sort of airborne contagion that came to Earth via the alien you fought but it was diluted too much to affect anyone else by the time you brought them into DEO holding. Judging by your behavior, it's already stopped directly affecting your pre-frontal cortex and you're just suffering the lingering consequences of some very realistic dreams. I'll keep an eye on you, but I'm pretty sure you're through the worst of it."

Kara finally relaxes.

"Oh thank Rao, I don't think I've ever been more relieved in my entire life."

"Me either." Lexi agrees before holding a hand to her stomach. "I have to admit though, all the jelly talk has me craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

Alex smirks.

"Well, at least there's no question about which mother you get your appetite from."

#supercorp #supergirl #lena luthor #kara danvers #fanfiction #lexington luthor-danvers #alex danvers #eyes like kryptonite

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bugznews · 14 hours

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Dear Journal, Tuesday, April 30, 2024

I am restarting this blog because there are some things that I would like to do differently. My name is Danielle Jean Wynn. I am 30 years old. I was born in Forks, Washington. But now I live in Hamilton, Montana. With my Mom and cat.

This blog is going to be about my journey with mental illness. I will also show you what I learn in therapy as well. These will be things that you can apply in your life. So I thank you ahead of time for taking this journey with me.

I think that we can safely say that I have been dealing with mental illness my whole life. But when I was born it was not talked about. One thing that should have been talked about was my ADHD. Back then only boys were diagnosed with it. They should have been paying attention to my laser focus on my coloring. That should have been the tall tell sign. But if they had paid attention to it then I wouldn't be the person that I am today.

Then this blog would be different. I may not even cover this topic. But somehow this is the path that I have chosen. I want you to laugh and cry along with me. Because there are times when I cry and laugh. It just depends on the day. There are some good days and some bad ones. I am trying to show all of you that you can still lead a full life.

Just because you get diagnosed with mental illness doesn't mean you can't keep living your life. There is so much that you are meant to do. Like getting my degree in Journalism and Mass Communication. I did this while a pandemic was going on and I was stuck at home. I didn't slow down at all. I think that is how I stayed sane. I would have been bored out of my head. The homework just kept me going. I will admit that since graduating I don't miss it at all.

It is nice to do what I want for a change. I am no longer told what to write thank goodness. I thought I liked that but it turns out that I don't.

Tomorrow I go to my therapist so anything I learn I will post on here for all of you. Remember I am not a licensed therapist. I am just passing on information. Mainly it will be about DBT skills. That is what I mainly go to therapy for. This is not to fix the past. Instead, it is to make the future bloom. There is no reason to keep living in the past. I agree with this point. I don't want to go with the same old pain over and over again. Instead, I want to learn to fly.

This is my time to build this blog. So I can help other people who may have no one else to turn to. I knew for a long time that I was going to do this blog regardless of whatever anyone said to me. I am going to try to post every day but at the same time, I don't know if I will be able to. Because I still have to do all my appointments. So some days I might do a double post. Just bear with me, please. I am working completely by myself. Since this blog is not making any money I am the only employee.

I know that someday this may be different. I want to be a light to all of you that you can have your whole life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. No matter what you are struggling with in your life. I get it life isn't easy at all. There are days when I just stay in bed. That is what I call a mental health day. Not always the best choice but sometimes you have no choice.

The first thing you need to do is to take care of yourself. That is the most important. I can't tell you how important that is. If you stop giving yourself much-needed care your overall health will just crumble. That is why I am saying that. At one time, I wasn't taking care of myself. I had gone off my mental meds and was drinking. Do you want to know who saved my life? My mom was the one simple as that. Trust she had to give me a lot of tough love. Now that I can see I am thankful for that. Who knows where I would be without her? My mom is the biggest support in my life.

Now I know that not all of you have a mom or dad that you can lean on. That makes me feel so bad because I am blessed. But for some reason, I was put in this life to learn something. Maybe to help someone with this blog. I don't know how far this will go. I do love being able to write each day. I can't live without it. For me, it is like breathing air. I have been writing for a very long time.

When I was in Junior High my teachers would take my notebooks away. They did that because I wouldn't stop writing I knew what I was meant to do with my life. I wasn't going to need that science class. My favorite class would have been English if it wasn't for the teacher and the holier-than-thou attitude that she had. It was all because she didn't drink caffeine.

I am trying to drink no coffee. I am not sure how well this is going to go. I have been drinking coffee since I was 16 years old. But I can see how much it affects my life. I don't want it to control me any longer. This is my life. I should be able to go without caffeine when needed. Instead, I have to have it every day. That is going to change in a hurry. I can be stronger than that. This is my time. I am too young to have such a bad habit. Even if I am a writer as a profession. Remember if you need someone to talk to dial 988. There you will be able to talk to a professional. You see I don't have to worry about it because my Mom is a CSW (Crisis Stabilization Worker). Thanks for reading.

#mental health awareness

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theorist-influencer-untitled · 10 months

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6.29.23 Thursday

1:47 am

I can't sleep but I took a nap and done showering... I still have windblow trap...

I'm not happy...Thinking of my future... They don't take me seriously, my inner emotion. I wanna leave the hometown, thinking of money and job...

I feel bitter and ugly... I feel conscious... I have blemish on my butt now coz we stopped opening our ac for 6 months already....

I wanna get a bf who can be my support system of course bf is somehow your own personal soul, an another you... I feel conscious now... I can't even afford my bleaching creams and scrub... I'm damage now....

From the past months, my skin was almost perfect and I streamed in "Tagged" coz I like an arab man that I didn't know that he is a prince and I told myself will try to catch the attention of people in "Tagged" probably I can be famous in arab world to have the prince and I'm somehow confident coz my butt was evenly white, in a way....

Since our ac is off here, I feel that I no longer deserve the prince coz of my blemish on my skin most specially on my butt these days ( that I have to fix... ).

I wanna get a colored alien bf now, I want someone supportive on my vanity, I feel so conscious... I have low self-esteem...

2:07 am

Will talk to my friend Kuya Erning about the water, it seems there is a different taste.... hmm... I know we're friends... But I just need to ask him, why it seems there is somehow an after taste of something that from the past year and past months it was yummy...

2:59 am

I can't sleep... I still have windblow trap... If I'm like this I'm somehow worried coz probably I need my calm meds it is somehow sleeping pills.. My mind is awaken by the windblow and paranoaia on water... Probably coz I'm worrying so much...

10:51 am

Uncle Jun went to his best friend Georgia'Z forest ( which I hate them still plus the Betsilogz gang )... They are the people on a circle of friends here and Mimmy will not be there, Kitty probably was always with them ( I hope Kitty will tell me everything).

I have pelvic pain my sciatica or priformis and waiting for alms to have my massage therapy on Elsie ( the pain is here and it is weird ) pain on my lower abdomen, pain at the side and back of my pelvic and pain down to my left leg and sometimes both legs I feel numb....Weird! But my will power says just move and pray that you can make it! But I have sanity that I need to fix this but I have no fundings coz I'm bum and I feel self-pity here... ( fake providence of Uncle DD, that he wanted to be a father figure on Aunt Karen's son that what am I here??? What did they do to me? ) I mean they are part of that whatever " conspiracy" that they had deal on with someone or whatever...

11:18 am

11:25 am

Uncle Jun didn't clean the poops of Neko and Lalah but probably or maybe they poops after Uncle Jun went to the forest...

I'm not gonna clean the poops of Neko and Lalah will just feed them coz I need to preserve my beauty angels somehow...

11:41 am

Another case of Neko coz she is a dog and she needs to be taken care of coz we are human beings.... Gets angels? ( It doesn't matter whose dog is Neko but it is Uncle DD but I'm aiming to adopt her if I have money in the future) the main point dogs should be taken care of by "human beings"....Dog has life, they are given by God as our faithful companion and they are animals like us but we human beings are the highest form of animals...

11:58 am

Special case of Neko,though she has her own dog room but I always transfer her to our old garage space coz it is so hot during noon time until 4pm on her dog room coz the sun is directly pointing out on her dog room...Dog can't stand that heat for 365 days even a K9!

We had so many dogs before and that is the reason why they were all dead after 2 years... All of our dogs... I remember everything now...

When you have dogs you should think of their ventilation space... Dog has rights to live comfortably...

12:23 noon

My repeat recipe "Chicken Tinola"....

But I'm out of gasul today.... Shit!

Waiting for Kuya Elmer coz I have my "Monggo" later dinner...

2:12 pm

Thanks Kuya Jeff for the gasul creditZ...

Cooking the "Mung Beans"...

4:18 pm

I still have windblow trap...

I just hate some church of christ not all but some bad heart coz they are happy seeing me like this, flat and nothing...

Some faker church of christ member in Net 25 probably got some links on the windblow trap..

I'm just being real and I'm having a hard time... Got some creditz and I'm thinking of money and job and still self-pitying and I wanna remove my "deep smile lines"...

7:17 pm

Hmm... Uncle DD will give the rice from Japan the twelve hundredZ.. Only for eating... He doesn't like me....The mean Uncle on me... I figure it out now... He is just giving an exact amount...

7:35 pm

I need to get a job and I feel bitter... I'm becoming wasted day by day... I can see that I'm aging "day by day" ...I can't accept my " deep smile lines" ... I can't expose myself properly which I can be impressive on some uppish men that I can be my target bf to be my "support system"....Everything is so tight as my leggings angels... What about my beauty and impact in the society?

8:24 pm

I feel bitter... I can't exist... I feel fat and ugly and what's the point?

I wanna kill angels and be a star and I wanna wear "Portia"...

10:21 pm

I feel confuse and bitter...

youtube

10:34 pm

Be guilty coz I'm just broke???

youtube

#Youtube

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the-kinnie-in-me · 2 years

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I hope you don’t mind me sending you another request, you’re just really talented :)

Can I request something about the marvel characters with a reader who has chronic pain? Can be platonic or romantic, I don’t really mind. Thanks!

A/n: Don't worry about it! I actually appreciate it. Thank you for the kind words 💖. It leans more towards platonic but nothing is directly stated so its free for interpretation. Also pls correct me if I had any information wrong

𝐀𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐜 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧:

ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎ఌ︎

They all would try to help you in their own ways

Tony and Bruce would get you medical help

I’m pretty sure Bruce has a good amount of knowledge in these kinds of things

So he would basically serve as your doctor

If I’m wrong or Bruce is unavailable for whatever reason-

That’s where Tony and his rich boy privileges come in

Need to find a doctor? He already found a hella good one for you

Medical bills? He’s paying.

Medicine? He’s paying.

Need Physical therapy? He’s paying.

Any treatment in general requires payment? HE.IS.PAYING.

Steve would make sure that you aren’t doing anything that might worsen your pain

*Takes the boxes from your hands*

“Your doctor said you shouldn’t do any heavy lifting”

He also makes sure the advice your doctors give you will be followed

He’s trying to minimize your pain in a non-medical way

It’s likely that he searched up what kind of lifestyle changes can help you

So- expect to do some exercising with him

Don’t worry tho- he makes sure it isn’t too much for you

Clint would also take care of you but in a more maternal way compared to Steve

He’s a dad of course he’s gonna be maternal

He’s making sure that you’re taking care of yourself like eating and sleeping despite the depression that can come with chronic pain

Sam and Bucky wouldn’t have much initiative compared to the others but they would get you whatever you need when you ask from them

Peter would be the same as Steve but less authoritative if that makes sense?

“Hey- I don’t really think you should be doing that. Let me do it”

Thor would be a little clueless so he’ll need to be informed of your condition

But he’ll still try to find ways to help you

Wanda would help you distract yourself from the side effects of chronic pain

She basically makes sure you are coping in a good way

When you can’t sleep because of the pain, you would normally go to her or Nat

Speaking of Nat- she's is a mix between Clint and Wanda

The way she’ll act depends on what you need

She and Steve are most likely gonna be the ones going with you to the hospital

I honestly think Vision is a mix of all of the above

He’s basically your personal Baymax at this point

But be ready to open your doors and block your walls because vision’s going through them

“Do you need anythi-”

“AHH- VISION! USE THE DAMN DOOR”

Let’s just hope you aren’t extremely jumpy okay 😃

Everyone’s gonna remind if you took your meds yet

“Did you take your medication yet?”

“Yes- Bruce already asked me that.”

“Okay- Just making sure”

“Did you take your medication yet?”

“Didn’t you already ask me that earlier?”

“I did?”

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thespineoftherighteous · 2 years

Text

what about when Aaron starts to crack?

when he starts to eat less and zone out more

when Matt gives him an odd look because he didn’t get annoyed at Kevin for chewing out the backliners the way he and Matt usually do

when he admits to himself that he doesn't regret what he did to drake in the slightest but still wonders if there's something irreversibly broken in him now

when he locks himself up in Katelyn's room for extended periods of time but barely speaks

when he gets frustrated in practice and tells coach that he's going to need a new backliner lined up for when he's carted off to prison

(when he looks conflicted for a moment as coach lays into him for talking like that [and anyway I've got you for three more years, don't think you're leaving my court one second earlier so shut the fuck up and give me three laps for even thinking that bullshit] before his face crumbles into a defeated look with a shrug and a "whatever")

when he has to remind himself almost daily now of the hell that he went through to get clean while the voice in his head that says don't you fucking dare fuck it all up now grows weaker and less convincing

when he snaps at Renee one time and he doesn't know why the softness in her voice when she asked him if he was okay set him off. but he does know what the sharp stab of guilt means (even before Matt and Nicky round on him with "woah woah don't talk to her like that") because that's a Thing. nobody talks to Renee like that. and that's why he finds himself issuing the first apology he ever gave to one of the Foxes while wondering if he's losing it

when he accidentally falls asleep on coach's couch after an emotional night and seems unnecessarily angry about it in the morning because he had only gone over there to explain his absence from last practice, not to vent because that's for Andrew and Kevin and Josten and the other fuck ups to do. I don't need to waste our time whining away my sorrows around your apartment

when he dodges his usual ride with Andrew only to show up late to their joint therapy session for the very first time, answering Betsy's polite inquiry with a shrug and a "I had something to do" all the while ignoring Andrew's heavy stare

when finals are approaching and he says he's going off to study but something about the way he says it sounds wrong so Andrew goes to check on him and finds him working his way through a bottle of liquor that looks like it was nicked from coach's cabinet, books and notes strewn everywhere. Aaron grins at him and says something about well what's the point of studying because killers don't get into med school

what then

#does this even make sense #idk but i just think that aaron is going to hit a point where he just needs to stop #and process #also i like to think that once he opens up to the idea of warming up to the #foxes he develops a good relationship with wymack #i think they're very similar actually #like their minds work the same ways #like in the way they would go about dealing with problems #idkk #but i adore some good coach/aaron shit #aaron minyard #david wymack #all for the game #aftg #the foxhole court #tfc #mine aftg

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scuttle-buttle · 3 years

Text

Chapter 11

WC: 2077

Rated: E

Chapter Tags: full on angst, discussions of emotional trauma, mild depictions of blood/gore, mentions of self h*rm & su*cide, mentions of child abuse, discussions of physical disabilities, institutionalization, some dialogue & plot canon to TV show, hurt/comfort

🧠

The rest of the conference went by much like the first day did. Both you and Laszlo bought a few books for your collections. An ease had settled over your conversations with the help of Sara and John's presence; you spoke more freely with each other. You tell yourself it is not because he's going soft on you or vice versa, but rather that you have found yourself in this imaginary bubble where you happen to get on well. It's inevitable that it will pop once you’re back at school and Laszlo will revert back to his usual callous state.

Laszlo. It still felt odd to think of him like that, rather than by his title. You couldn't lie, it gave you a sort of thrill. Even in your dreams you had only called him by his honorific. Thankfully you didn't have another dream after Friday. You couldn't escape the feeling that you'd said something incriminating in front of the man in question. So you chose to pretend it didn't happen.

Monday morning came and you headed to the train station. Once again he had secured a private cabin for the journey. This time you came prepared with a book since you had yet to replace your broken phone.

"Thank you again for inviting me to this, I really enjoyed myself. It was really nice of the department to foot my travel expenses, the hotel was really fancy. I may have helped myself to a mini-bottle or two," you joked.

"There is no need to worry about the department's finances; they were not involved."

You pause. He paid for you? Laszlo did say he would take care of the arrangements; but the four-star hotel, the private compartment train tickets, the admission to the conference, and every meal? Shit, that must have been a fortune, hundreds of dollars at least.

You don't know what to say, so you settle for an awkward "oh." A moment passes before you add "I appreciate that, um, I can pay you back. Might take some time but I can."

The professor is flippant in his reply. "There is no need, it was well spent for the research and knowledge acquired." He opens his book signaling the conversation is over.

You lick your lips. Fine then, I'll just consider it payment for emotional suffering and damages of the last eight weeks.

The first few hours of the journey were spent reading one of the new books you picked up at the convention. Occasionally you would peek over the pages at the professor. He was engrossed in his own selection; sometimes he would pause to write down a thought.

Around the seventh hour of your journey you had given up on reading anymore in favor of looking at the fields outside. The silence was comforting.

Laszlo had trouble concentrating on the book in his hand. He saw you as a conundrum. One minute you could be sociable and teasing with your comments, then next you were biting at his throat with your quick wit and fierce ideals. He decides that he wants to know what made you into who you are today. Now is as good a time as any.

His eyes on you cause a tingle up your spine but you ignore it. Laszlo breaks the silence; "may I ask a personal question?"

"You just did," you answer, still peering out of the large window. He huffed once, amused. At his following silence you face him. You raise your eyebrows to signal him to go on with his question. Curiosity grows at the thought of what he intends to ask.

"Twice now you have made implications of a traumatic past," he begins.

Bubble popped.

Interrupting, you snark "is this the part where you psychoanalyze me, doc? Because trust me, I've been through enough of that." You pick at the lint on your jeans.

Laszlo tries to choose his words more carefully the next time he speaks. "What I mean to say is, the first afternoon in the classroom where you defended that student you implied you had been witness to a trauma. You then displayed signs of anger and embarrassment before leaving prematurely. Yesterday you mentioned having entered a psychiatric facility. As an alienist I can't help but find myself curious about your experiences."

You slide your eyes to meet his from across the cabin. Your face is devoid of any emotion. "We all have our demons. Even you can't argue with that."

Your jaw clenches. Everyone had warned you. They all said he would try to worm his way into your head to figure you out. All the reviews, the gossip, everything. It was a big fat 'I told you so'. You give a pitiful laugh at the situation. "You know, everyone told me that you would pull this stunt."

He seems confused by your statement. "And what is that?"

"That you'd get inside my head and try to figure me all out or whatever. You already know I googled you beforehand, what everyone says about your methods. By now I assume you've done a little research yourself. I promise you there is nothing exciting here," you scoff and point to yourself.

"You would be correct in your assumption." You chew at your cheek as he starts. "I do know some of what happened in your past. Yet I also know that society likes to dilute the truth into something either more palatable, more entertaining, for people to consume greedily. What I want to know is what you have faced. How you have not allowed the experience to overcome you so much so that your humanity is erased like the characters I lecture on."

Eyes closing of their own volition you are thrown back in time to that night so many years ago. You didn't talk about it anymore. Bitsy knew of course, but that was the extent.

Laszlo waits. He knows this is likely to push you over the edge if your history with him means anything. Quite frankly, anyone would be tossed to their limit at his interrogation had they gone through what you had. John always told him that he needed to work on his bedside manner; that he had a habit of coming on too strong in his pursuit of learning the intricacies of the human mind. But your earlier comment about being sent to a so-called 'nuthouse' rubbed him the wrong way. It left a bad taste in his mouth. He needed to know. He needed to understand.

Laszlo can imagine the reprimand that he would receive from John and Sara for this. Just as he considers apologizing for his intrusion you open your eyes.

"She was fine. None of us suspected anything was wrong. I came home from having dinner with some… boy, and she had locked herself in the bathroom. She- she must have started over the sink and moved to sit on the side of the tub. She was hunched inside it when I got the door open. I pulled her out. Blood was… everywhere." Your voice is clinical as you explain.

"After, I shut down. So I checked myself into a psych ward a few days later when I couldn't get the feel of her blood off my hands. It's slippery, you know. And it smells. You wouldn't think so but it does." You clear your throat. "I did the therapy, took the meds they prescribed, all the standard treatments. Later I started watching true crime documentaries. I'd heard about exposure therapy so I figured the more I saw the gore, the less the image of my dead roommate would bother me. And it did help. The nightmares stopped after a while, I came back to school. I was better, just not the same.” You had watched the passing landscape as you explained. Turning to face him you speak again. “That's why those pictures didn't bother me. They weren't anything I hadn't seen before."

He contemplates you. The discovery and subsequent loss of your friend in this manner would no doubt cause lingering effects to your psyche. A stain that would forever remind you. "I offer my sincerest condolences. I do not presume to know what that would be like to experience, but I am glad you sought help afterwards. To make the choice to alleviate yourself of your own suffering where possible.”

As he says this he realizes that your anger towards the idea of being enslaved to unconscious impulse makes perfect sense. It explains why you focused so much energy on defending your belief in free will. That you have the power to choose how you carry your joy, your anger, your healing. It reminds him of how he held onto his own guilt and hurt, ignoring how it festered within him for so long. He feels as though he needs to share a piece of himself with you.

“I played piano as a child, quite well too. My mother hoped I would someday make a career of it. I vividly remember playing Mozart’s Concerto for Piano No. 20 in D Minor at a holiday party when I was seven years old. It was my favorite to play.... It requires two hands." You finally look at him. "My father...” He pauses to gather himself.

Now it is the doctor that cannot meet your eyes. As you listen you feel your confusion grow. How could he have been a talented pianist if he only had full use of his left hand? Unless..., the realization dawns on you just as he continues, his words slow.

“My father had two sides. One loving and the other brutal, the two often coexisting. It was something as trivial as putting me to bed, I recall... A game of tug of war. We were laughing…” He inhales a sharp breath. Already you can feel the tears begin to blur your vision. “I don't remember if he was drunk or if I said something that offended him. He must have pulled my arm behind my back.” Laszlo exhales shakily. “In small children, fractures can often affect…” he trails off, unable to finish. You can hear how he barely holds himself together.

Your heart aches for the broken man that sits in front of you. He never let on how much his arm bothered him, at least not within your presence. Suddenly you don’t see him as this rude, insufferable, obsessive man, but instead as someone that spends his life trying to protect himself. He projects his own anger and hurt so that he may, just for a minute, forget about his own demons. He wants to help others even when he feels he cannot bear to help himself.

But unlike you, he has to live with the physical reminder of his past every day of his life.

You stand and move to sit on his right side. Before allowing yourself to think too much of your actions, you place your hand atop his own, curling your fingers around his palm and squeezing delicately. You don’t bother wiping away the tears on your cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Laszlo;” the whisper is barely heard above the sound of the train. A second passes where you fear you have overstepped and offended him by touching the affected limb. When his thumb tightens against the backs of your fingers you know he is not. He holds you in place.

“You asked me how I kept my humanity. How does anyone really? We learn to take what we get and we carry it in a bag. Sometimes you have to drag the damn thing behind you. But eventually the weight gets less and less if you allow yourself to move forward, even if it’s still there with you all the time. I dealt with what happened years ago and it does still haunt me. It’s easier now than it was, but… I- I suppose I’ve learned from you too. Sitting in those lectures and hearing you talk. We can either let it haunt us for the rest of our lives… or we can accept it… and use the memory of our pain to help ourselves and others.”

“I’m not sure the choice is entirely in our hands.” His tone is mournful.

You turn to smile at him through your tears. His own eyes are bloodshot. “I disagree. If it weren’t, if we didn’t have the freedom to choose that, we’d all be murderers.”

Tag list

@hardlyinteresting @lorna-d-m @livvyshmiv @somethingthatsaysbubbles @greeneyedblondie44 @unbeatablecurlgirl @apparrio @marchingicenotes7 @anteroom-of-death @bruhidaniel @lemairepstuff @thehuiabird @zemosimp05 @alindeluce @iamnotthecatladynextdoor @laura-naruto-fan1998 @trelaney @boneheadduluc @i-am-dead-inside-666 @fictionlandslanddreams

#the interpretation of dreams #laszlo kreizler x reader #laszlo x reader #laszlo kreizler #the alienist #the alienist angel of darkness #daniel brühl #daniel bruhl #laszlo kreizler fanfic #laszlo kreizler daniel bruhl #scuttle-buttle #tw self harm #tw suicude #tw child abuse

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justanothersyscourse · 3 years

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I don’t really want a diagnosis because I physically can’t have children and I want to be able to adopt in the future. I’m also trans + autistic so I’ve already got some stuff working against me in that department.

I haven’t brought up being a system to my therapist because I’m afraid she won’t believe me, and it’s mainly the trauma symptoms causing problems and not the presence of alters. (Also I don’t think she has a lot of experience with dissociative disorders?)

I guess I just . . . want to know if this is ok? If I should talk to her about it or just try to forget about it all and try to ignore that I’m probably a system? Idk I’m afraid to open up about it and then be told that I’m just making it up or something. I’m open to the possibility that I’m not actually a system and I have something Else going on, but we’ve already ruled out BPD so idk what else it would be. Like, if there was something else happening that made sense I’d accept it, but I’m afraid it’ll just be completely dismissed and I’ll be even more confused.

Idk srry I felt like I needed to get this off my chest and ask someone who has more experience with all this about if it’s ok to be where I’m at or if I should do something different.

A is for placeholder

B is for my infinite frustration

C is for FCK U TUMBLR, STOP CUTTING OFF MY FIRST TWO LINES

Hi, Anon!

There's a lot happening in this ask, so let's take it point by point.

It's absolutely, perfectly fine to not want a diagnosis. Period. Full stop. There are MANY reasons someone might not want one, and they're all valid-- EXCEPT FOR ABLEISM. Not wanting a diagnosis because "ew, gross", is bad. Just based on the last handful of posts I've made today, I just want to say, so long as you realize you CAN have one, do whatever works for you. Don't think you won't get it, and on the opposite end, don't think you NEED one.

Self DX is also super valid when it's well researched, and the person self-diagnosing is open to change when presented with new information or new perspectives (which it sounds like you are, so A+ for you, gold star). If you feel it fits your experiences, have at it, you're welcome here.

Another big thing that's misunderstood about the dyfunction criteria is that it doesn't need to be the alters causing you problems. Like, AT ALL. It can be the PTSD, the amnesia, the comorbid issues, the identity confusion-- ANYTHING. The DSM doesn't mention AT ALL that the alters specifically cause dysfunction. Instead, it talks about trauma memories, embarrassment over symptoms, anxiety from trying to hide symptoms. It can literally. Be. Anything.

On a plus note, if you are actually only experiencing issues with trauma memories, then you don't necessarily need a therapist that's specialized in anything other than PTSD. I've said this before, when you're looking for a therapist, look for one who specializes in the problem you're CURRENTLY having. Might it be helpful to bring up your system to your therapist? Definitely, if your system isn't integrated and still experiencing amnesia, your alters won't all benefit from the therapy sessions. In that case, it might be helpful to mention it. If that's not an issue, or the issue is with YOU specifically, then you don't necessarily need to tell your therapist if you're not comfortable doing so.

Don't "ignore" that you're a system, just be mindful of to who and when you want to present that information. Here's an example-- I moved cities a few years ago and never took my file with me. That means my current GP doesn't know I'm a system. I also don't plan to tell him unless I need to make any major changes to my medication. I go to him when I'm hurt or sick, not for mental stuff, so he doesn't need to know. That's okay. My system doesn't necessarily affect my broken leg. My meds, on the other hand, may have a negative effect on my system that he might need to be aware about. I don't know, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. And that's a decision I made about that doctor specifically. I might, for WHATEVER reason, choose to tell my... I don't know... gynecologist about my system. You tell who you want, when you want.

I can't tell you whether you should tell your therapist or not. I CAN tell you that the decision, either way, is perfectly valid and good, so long as it's YOUR decision (no one is forcing you one way or the other), and the results are working for you.

I highly doubt your therapist is going to dismiss you, as well. And if they do? Fire them. Get another one. Get a second opinion, and a third opinion, until it makes sense to you. If they can say, "maybe it might be this, have you considered this disorder? Here's some reasons," and those reasons make sense to you? Great. If not, keep looking.

I hope this helps. You're doing just fine.

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tht-lesbian-fangirl · 4 years

Note

you keep complaining that alex, kelly, and nia don't have storylines and i don't mean to sound rude or anything i'm genuinely curious what you would have them do?

Well, I wouldn’t really consider it “complaining” since it’s just stating a fact about supposed series regulars (and Alex supposedly being the #2 star). But to answer you question, here’s what I’d do if I had control over 5b:

Alex: I would still have Alex leave the DEO, since it’s under Lex’s thumb. She’d join J’onn in his PI stuff for a bit while she’s trying to find her footing, but after an episode Alex would realize that 1. being an alien PI is more J’onn’s passion 2. it doesn’t quite pay the bills 3. she needs something more stable and with healthcare benefits if she’s going to adopt (yes, I would actually remember that plotline). So, Alex would decide to try going back to her roots in the science field. She would attend a bio-med convention looking for a job opening at a lab and run into Lena (who is less unhinged in my version of post-Crisis, yet still emotionally at odds with Kara). Their conversation would start out filled with tension, but one of them would crack a joke about how Lex ruling this Earth sucks and Alex would reveal that she quit her DEO job. As a peace offering and show of goodwill, Lena would offer Alex a job in her own R&D labs at LuthorCorp, a branch that Lex doesn’t have a part in. Alex would agree, initially using the job to keep an eye on Lena (and have some steady income), but would slowly start to see how Lena isn’t evil, she’s just deeply hurting. Lena even allows Alex to work on technology for Supergirl, since they don’t have the DEO’s resources anymore. By the end of the season, they’d be working together on some cool biotech that helps Supergirl defeat Leviathan. Throughout the season, Alex would still team up with Supergirl when needed, J’onn would have still given her that cool Martian weapon, and she’d play a key role during the final Leviathan battle. Additionally, she’d end the season on a happy note with Kelly, finding out that an adoption is finally coming through. They’d celebrate together and Kelly, a little tipsy, would say something like “I can’t wait to raise a kid with you,” implying that we may see a Dansen engagement/wedding in season 6.

Kelly: After Crisis, Alex would have updated Kelly on everything that went down between Kara and Lena. Kelly, being the compassionate, smart therapist that she is, would immediately think “Lena isn’t a villain. That woman needs help.” At first, Alex would be against Kelly going to visit Lena, causing some tension, trying to give Kelly the same head vs. heart talk she gave Kara. But Kelly would say that it’s her job as a therapist and friend to use both her head and heart (side note: technically it’s against APA code of ethics to give therapy to friends, family, etc., but this is a show with aliens that suspends disbelief, so screw the APA for this situation). Kelly would show Lena the genuine kindness she’s been lacking. They’d work through some of Lena’s childhood trauma and then Kara’s double identities, eventually bringing Kara into a session when Lena’s ready (this would all be during the phase where Alex worked for Lena but still didn’t trust her). Meanwhile, Kelly would still be working at Obsidian, but would interact with Andrea a little more, tying in that plot line. Kelly would still find the lens glitch and she’d continue working there, despite the Superfriends realizing that something is wrong, either due to Leviathan or Lex. It would cause more tension between Kelly and Alex in an episode, but ending with some of their great healthy communication and Alex’s confidence that Kelly is smart and strong enough to protect herself. During the final Leviathan battle, Kelly would be at Dreamer’s side, using the Gaurdian shield to help protect civilians, but not donning the full Guardian outfit because that’s not what she wants (yet?).

Nia: She’d be investigating Leviathan with Kara. William’s story would’ve been wrapped up in 5a, because...well it literally was wrapped up (now he only exists to scream “LEX DID IT” 24/7 and effectively distract Team Super from Leviathan). So we’d see Nia grow as a reporter and continue the mentor/mentee relationship with Kara. As Dreamer, she would continue to improve her powers, driven not just by her desire to be a hero, but also by her guilt for her inability to see Crisis coming. Talking through some of that guilt would be a great chance for her to bond with Kelly on an emotional level, and bond with Kara on a superhero level, letting Nia know that they’re all just doing the best they can and no hero is perfect. Nia would want to help Supergirl be ready for any huge future threats (i.e. Leviathan), yet while practicing, she’d still be slightly distracted by her feelings for Brainy and at one point she’d accidentally discover what he’s been up to with Lex. Nia would struggle with what to do: does she alert Supergirl? Does she confront him? Does she try to pry further with her dream energy and figure out why? But whatever she chooses, it would connect the Lex-Leviathan-Supergirl plot in a much better way and would actually utilize a powerful hero who’s been missing for no reason. We’d also see her bond more with Kelly and the Danvers sisters during a girls night, and her 5x15 episode would 100% still happen because that was important af. Nia would end the season as a more powerful and beloved hero, an accomplished journalist (publishing a piece on Leviathan with Kara), and attempting to reconnect with a very apologetic Brainy.

So that’s my outline of what I’d do with Alex, Kelly, and Nia this season. But hey, I’m just a random person on tumblr who wrote this in maybe 15min. I’m not a professional tv producer so what do I know?🤷‍♀️

#obviously i have a lot to say about lena too. but apparently I don't 'complain' about her enough lmao.#alex danvers #kelly olsen #nia nal #supergirl analysis #asks

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thehonestbanana · 3 years

Note

Ok, so I've noticed alot of people do not continue going to therapy because of their experiences with therapists. I've seen people argue "its cause they don't want to heal", but that's not always the case, it's because of how the therapist is. For starters, seeing a therapist is very pricey. Not only that, some flat out refuse to accept insurance. I remember scrolling available therapists in my area and several had listed that they weren't "insurance friendly" and even one had an explanation on her fucking site that she's "having to listen to your problems to value her time". Already, that's kind of showing she's crappy since she's not wanting to work with people's insurances. Also, some really shouldn't be therapists. My first therapist told me to heavily rely on my boyfriend at the time that he would heal me and he broke up with me since he felt he was too young to deal with my trauma. That made me not want to go to therapy since my therapists solution to my problems was my boyfriend then he was gone. When i finally got a 2nd therapist 2 years later he said that was awful advice, that I'm suppose to rely on myself, not someone else. Also, some therapists by force want to make patients get on meds. Meds are not only pricey, but a big commitment. Also, sometimes the meds arent a good match for the patient and they have to switch them. Some people come from families that suffered substance abuse, that stuff can be so scary for them to do and here's someone saying "yeah you need these sweaty :)". I followed a blogger who was so anxious about getting on meds since both her parents were pill poppers and she had done so well to not even take a pain killer for headaches and fears abusing her meds, but her therapist kept wanting her to give them a shot. Like, I understand their whole purpose isn't to baby you, but they should at least try to compromise and help people.

Oh shit hope you’re doing well anon!

Yeah I agree like 100%. Like with the pills thing, first off meds aren’t always the answer we should focus on other things first then try it as a last resort for some. Especially with addictions in the family, not only could those meds be abused by those members, but the person could become addicted. Like I’m no therapist but even I know giving someone meds like that who has a family history of addictions isn’t a very good idea.not saying they WILL become addicts because of ther family but it’s a little concerning.

Also yeah... no what the fuck. It takes a lot of courage to go to therapy. Your spilling a lot of deep personal things to a stranger so they can help you. Like that’s the whole entire point! Pretty sure. Pretty sure people go to get help. Like fuck that person who had the value her time shit or whatever, that’s not the point of being a therapist. Also sometimes people don’t go to therapy because it’s just something they don’t wanna do. If they think it’s right for them and it’s working then by all means do what you gotta do. It’s not because they “don’t wanna heal” it’s just what’s best for them.

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

Ali & Ronnie

Ali: [The day of but later] Ali: I convinced that man not to press charges or anything, the one that got involved Ali: so you don't need to worry about that Ronnie: wasnt Ronnie: tell someone who is Ali: 'course Ali: talking isn't the most useful thing for me to do right now so I'll pass Ronnie: go be useful then little girl Ali: I'm sorry he brought you Ali: that's fucked up Ronnie: course you are Ronnie: youre all well sorry now like Ali: For you, not myself, or ourselves Ronnie: no shit pity works with the rest of your brothers and sisters Ronnie: youre fucked up Ali: How so? Ronnie: show and tells over Ali: I hope it made you feel better Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: none of you give a fuck how I feel Ali: yeah I do Ronnie: wheres it been Ali: you're meant to wait for the kid to make the first move, that's rule #1 Ronnie: if you wanna play by the rules Ali: so I've lost points, that's fine Ali: you don't want us to care, right? Ronnie: the way your family is im almost old enough to be your ma Ronnie: bit fucking late yeah Ali: You do have a solid decade on her, yeah Ali: I'm a late bloomer, clearly Ronnie: ill leave it to her to be proud Ali: a big ask, but I'll survive without Ronnie: like I said Ronnie: fucked Ali: Yeah, a fair bit Ali: nothing to shout about, or that hasn't been now Ronnie: you wanted a first move Ali: It was a choice Ronnie: nah Ronnie: a reaction Ali: That too Ali: like I said, hope it was what you needed it to be? Ronnie: ask him Ali: you just did it for Joe? Ronnie: why else Ronnie: none of you mean shit to me Ali: but he does, yeah Ronnie: connect the dots Ronnie: I bothered to carve each one out Ali: I can tell he loves you Ali: do you love him Ronnie: hes that fucking soft Ali: you do Ali: alright, that's something Ronnie: fuck you youve known him all your life and you dont Ronnie: theres no telling me how I feel Ali: I don't know him or I don't love him? Ronnie: have it both ways Ronnie: he tells it either way Ali: I probably don't know him now Ali: I'll allow that Ali: that's how he wants it so you don't have to defend him like I'm saying I do Ali: or that I'll force it, when he's been so clear Ronnie: hes the last person I can be arsed to defend Ronnie: but no shit he gets everything he wants Ali: What were you after Ali: we disown him Ali: or strongarm him into rehab and therapy Ronnie: yeah Ive got everything crossed for sobriety Ronnie: fucks sake Ali: disowning then, he's done it to us Ali: it won't happen the other way 'round, sorry to say Ronnie: give him your fucking sorry Ronnie: he was the one begging me to ruin it all Ali: close enough that he should still be happy Ali: I'm not sorry for him Ali: I already said, he shouldn't have used you like that Ronnie: thats what happens theres no fucking 💘 and 🥀 Ali: no one deserves that Ronnie: I am no one Ali: You aren't Ali: don't have to be Ronnie: people like their junkies part time or useful or repentant Ronnie: fuck that Ali: that's not your whole gig Ronnie: you don't know shit Ronnie: youre not under my skin or in my head Ali: I know enough to know that's bullshit Ali: if anyone was just their addictions and vices, you wouldn't need them Ronnie: yeah youre the smart one Ronnie: he told me Ali: He's the one at the fancy arts school Ali: how does he reconcile that with being the junkie one Ronnie: youre 16 theres no uni thatd take you yet Ronnie: happy birthday for whenever the fuck it was Ali: Thanks Ali: about a month ago Ali: extend the invite next time Ronnie: dont Ronnie: I wont show Ali: you haven't heard how great my parties are yet Ronnie: I aint a childrens entertainer Ali: be cool if you were Ali: have a heart attack when you showed up Ronnie: next time I need a few quid ill try and remember Ronnie: make you proud of me Ali: probably leave that to Joe, and your friends and fam Ali: but I know how to make balloon animals so hmu Ronnie: course you do Ronnie: youre the target market for hippy crack Ali: awh Ali: how true Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: how long you been in the youngest ones adhd meds Ali: not really my thing Ali: need to calm my brain, not stimulate it harder Ronnie: 💔 Ali: how'd you know about that Ali: doesn't seem like the sort of pillowtalk he'd be about Ronnie: i was in care i know what an kid with adhd looks like Ronnie: and theyve tried to diagnose me as everything but a west little bastard Ali: he's shit scared right now Ronnie: be fucked if he werent Ali: yeah Ali: he doesn't really know Joe Ali: was like 4 when he went to Uni so Ali: proper boogeyman shit Ronnie: mckenna will love that Ronnie: real boner for the misery Ali: someone should get something out of it Ali: he can pay for his therapy later Ali: more meds, whatever Ronnie: ill tell him to put in his will Ali: try not to die Ronnie: itd be the ultimate misery boner Ronnie: why should he stop getting what he wants now Ali: yeah, you do love him Ali: but hate him too Ronnie: 💘🥀 Ali: Is he worth it? Ronnie: youre describing freckles and the princess you know that yeah Ronnie: me and her dont share every dysfunction Ali: Nah, they don't hate each other Ali: loads of other stuff, people Ali: very them vs everyone Ronnie: she hates that she needs him Ronnie: that he makes her soft Ronnie: close enough Ali: You reckon? Ali: Hmm Ronnie: first rule of tortured kids club Ali: it's why she loves him too Ali: you'd understand if her sister had been there Ali: she's got no one to make her soft, I tried but Ronnie: gutted she werent there then Ali: you wouldn't like her any more than she'd like you Ali: it'd be fitting, but no fun Ronnie: thats the fun Ronnie: I hate you all Ali: I see the appeal Ronnie: have a go Ronnie: hate me Ali: I see your appeal Ali: why would I hate you? Ali: Fraze does and he's having the least fun of all Ronnie: you see what you fucking wanna Ronnie: youd have to know me to know if I had any appeal Ali: Then I'm a spoilt hippy brat, as you like it Ali: you'd have to do worse for me to hate you Ali: not my MO Ronnie: not wasting another flight on it Ronnie: kill your own ma Ali: then I'm good for it Ali: sorry again Ali: you did what you set out to do, making me 💔 wasn't part of it Ronnie: stop fucking apologising Ali: it offends you? Ronnie: I did what mckenna cant do for his fucking self being a useless pussy from cradle to grave Ronnie: he is under my skin and in my veins like it or not Ali: yeah, and my apology is worth a damn when you've got problems that big Ali: alright, I won't say it no more Ronnie: if it was for me Id have done it at 10 14 fucking 18 even Ali: 'course, you got fucked over at birth Ali: no other straws needed Ali: his is more of a slowburn of bullshit Ronnie: yeah Ali: I don't know what he's told you, or how much you care about it Ali: but they've always been like it, Fraze too Ali: we have no idea and they went through so much more Ali: but Joe's only got 5 on me, so that says all you really need to know Ronnie: thats lads for you Ronnie: cant handle any pain unless they glorify it Ali: or co-opt it Ali: if you don't wanna be like them, tell him to get his own Ronnie: Im not like them thats why he likes me Ronnie: it aint my winning smile Ronnie: helps that I look like you and your ma course hes that sick Ali: He's hated them both ever since Bea came around, then when we moved her, like it was for her Ali: he's spoilt, like you said Ali: but I really think he is sick, too Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: were both sick Ali: yeah Ali: maybe you'll wanna get help someday Ronnie: for what Ronnie: theres no happy ever after here Ali: to not be sick Ronnie: nice try little girl Ronnie: not gonna get cured Ali: yeah, well has to seem better than sick Ali: that's a big ask Ali: I can't imagine not getting to do the drugs I do, and that's everyone Ronnie: it's like being in a relationship yeah sometimes it makes you feel good sometimes it dont Ronnie: cant fix shit though Ronnie: the rots too deep and its already set in Ronnie: long before I took a hit Ali: That's medication for you Ronnie: thats pain for you Ali: Yeah Ronnie: if I cant cut it out Ill cut her out of me Ronnie: her face outta mine Ali: It's DNA Ali: everything and nothing Ronnie: if she's in my blood ill spill it all Ronnie: theres fuck all point keeping it on the inside Ali: It's a waste of you Ali: the you that ain't her Ronnie: I am the waste Ronnie: ive had enough kids scraped out of me it aint hard Ali: She believed in the happily ever after you don't Ali: more fool her Ronnie: she got it Ali: she wanted it with you Ronnie: bullshit Ali: She did, she loved your biological dad, basically as many years as she'd been about Ali: she didn't just not get an abortion because she was scared Ronnie: she wanted it with him then Ronnie: I was along for the ride til I got dumped out Ronnie: if she wanted me id fucking be there Ali: she could've tried Ali: yeah Ali: you would've got taken away though Ronnie: so what Ali: just that, she wasn't allowed to keep you, she was a 14 year old with no parent, they'd have separated you and put you into different care homes Ali: happened to her friend Ronnie: I was a 14 year old with no parents either Ronnie: and a 4 year old Ronnie: 4 months Ronnie: however the fuck far back you wanna go Ronnie: I still found ways to get shit that I wanted Ali: Yeah, I know Ali: you had enough to eat and a bed with a roof over your head Ali: you wouldn't have if you'd had her, if that was even possible, somehow Ronnie: no I fucking didnt Ronnie: not always Ali: if you were in a home Ali: more than a squat where no fucker pays the bills or gets groceries over smack, you know the situation Ronnie: I know it helps her sleep at night Ronnie: this story Ali: you don't have to add it to your narrative if it fucks with your peace Ali: ask Joe Ali: if he reckons he remembers everything back in Liverpool, he'll remember Ronnie: I dont need to ask him cos his story is that she blinked and her life was so fucking sorted that she pushed a shit ton more kids out Ronnie: where the fuck was I Ronnie: nowhere Ronnie: youre my fucking replacement is why Ali: she could've got you when she got Bea and Ro Ali: I don't know how old you were then, 13? Ali: they might've said she was sorted enough, maybe Ali: it was more, this girl has been abused and you're a friend she trusts who is willing to foster her so let's shove her at you and get her out, it wasn't happy families Ronnie: no need when theres already loads of shiny white kids to mother and 2 less shiny to play saviour too Ali: I could ask Ali: I was a toddler, and it wasn't my bedtime story too, believe it or nah Ronnie: luck of the irish Ali: I'll take 50% Ronnie: her sob story is as fucking useless to me as mckennas misery boners are Ali: 💔 Ali: very convincing performance in that case Ronnie: fuck you Ali: why Ronnie: if you have to ask youre not listening Ali: I meant the part where you necked on with him Ronnie: why not Ali: 'cos his boners are a letdown, obvs Ronnie: I dont need him to make me feel good Ronnie: and he fucking wishes he could do as good of a job as the shit that does Ali: thank God Ronnie: he wanted the shock factor thats me baby Ali: assumed that was his intention Ali: he stopped showing up as himself ages ago though, that was, not more shocking but impactful, let's say Ali: if he wasn't so obviously out of it, he might've known that we knew Ronnie: he wanted to stop showing up full stop Ronnie: til he gets shipped back in a ⚰ Ronnie: and reckoned thatd be the final nail for you all us fucking Ali: and us younger ones are dramatic, hilarious Ali: who doesn't want to get away from home? Ali: Tommy has been since he was 11, Bea went to Cambridge, Ro will too, Fraze only didn't because Bea told him he wasn't allowed to follow her Ali: I'm planning on Singapore, myself Ronnie: hes too pussy to handle being away from me Ronnie: or what I get like when he isnt in my fucking face Ronnie: that bit wasnt about you lot as much like Ali: it's how it goes Ali: that's why people get knocked up, get married, get fabulous careers, so you can have an excuse for why you can't make this weekend, will try to pop in for this event but end up just sending a card Ali: it's weird it's you, of course, you're both sick, duh, but look at it objectively Ali: it's your version of 2.4 kids and a dog Ronnie: he dont want me to slit my own throat or anyone elses but his more fool him Ronnie: cant knock me up or marry me thank christ Ronnie: I like that the dog is smack thats well poetic Ali: I'll have a go at writing it Ali: if you want a null and void illegal wedding too, I'll write those vows and all Ronnie: ill stick it in a song if you want better than happy birthday Ronnie: fuck that i belong to no one Ronnie: theres loads more fun illegal shit to do Ali: you write songs too? Ali: just don't let Joe play cello on it Ali: if depression had a 🎵 Ronnie: id lose money if i begged with him Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: looks pathetic enough but thats all Ali: very child actor vibes, or rockstar's kid Ali: you had it all and you pissed it all the wall Ali: not here's a couple of quid for a warm cup of coffee and a sarnie, no Ronnie: i can see his face hearing that Ronnie: id have to take a brick to it Ali: yeah, he probably hates me Ali: not as much as Fraze, didn't have the toddler clout to make us move to Dublin, bit rude Ronnie: you're in his way Ali: of what Ronnie: 💉 Ali: that's his hangup Ali: like I said, no one is forcing him to do shit here Ali: guilt's part and parcel of 💚 and 💉 ain't it Ronnie: youre not telling me shit I dont know Ronnie: hes the one shitting himself hes gonna get chucked in rehab Ronnie: nobodys coming to take me nowhere Ali: I get it Ali: she's shit at turning up Ali: tell her to work on it Ronnie: do what you want Ronnie: far as sisterly advice what ive got is dont ask me for a shot unless youre after a habit Ali: lecturing ain't my gig rn, she loves a bit of it so honestly no need when her 🧠 will be full of the 💔 Ali: cheers, I'll stick to the just saying no of it all Ronnie: get the money up front when you are gigging Ronnie: and take care of the kid when you aint Ali: I will, I do Ali: he's got a few years to grow before I'm going anywhere Ronnie: yeah Ali: and my wife might stay and they're best friends Ronnie: she was the one trying to rival us for most high Ali: ✌💚💉 Ali: it was a party before you walked in Ali: which I'm aware was very much the idea Ali: can I give you a tattoo I'm good Ronnie: go ahead Ronnie: not gonna be here long like Ali: where do you wanna meet, my rig is way portable Ronnie: [a place nearby wherever they are cos god knows but I doubt Joe wants to see Ali and she aint gonna tell him that's where she's going LOL] Ali: 👍 Ali: about 25 on my 🚲 Ronnie: reckon i can stay alive til then

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anths-girl · 5 years

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So, it's my birthday in just less than a week - on the 17th of August. And...I've been TRYING to get some, well...support? Help? Charity?! And yes, by that, I DO mean I've been asking for money. Because at this point, it REALLY is the ONLY thing that will make ANY difference to my - OUR, me and my family's - situation.

I see lots of posts about people reaching out, saying they're going through bad things. Even people who are possibly suicidal. And most of the responses are either that they should "get help", OR that they are just looking for attention. Hence why I, mostly, DON'T try to "reach out" on social media. Because for one, if someone told me to go "get help", I'd probably explode. "Therapy", or talking to someone, or, God forbid, meds, are NOT going to do a damn thing to make things better for me. It's not gonna pay our bills, make my parents healthy again, or keep me from crippling anxiety that my dogs are gonna get sick or die. It's not gonna make the stress of where we're gonna get money for food every week, or what we're gonna do if our car breaks down, go away. ALL of those things will NEVER go away. On the contrary, they just get worse.

I don't have anything good to look forward to. The ONLY things in my life, that are inevitably GOING to happen, are bad things. I'm going to lose the ONLY people in the world who matter to me - and also the only people who love or care about me - my parents. I'm going to lose my two little Angels, the BEST thing in my life, my doggos, Pippin and Lola. And after that, I'll have nothing left. NOTHING. Nothing to actually LIVE for, anyway, because my purpose in life, is looking after my parents and my dogs. Sure, my parents aren't invalids, or totally incapable of taking care of themselves. But I have to make sure they take their meds at the right times, and the RIGHT meds. I have to help my mom bath and wash her hair. I make meals, I take the doggos outside for their potty breaks, up to past 12 at night. I get up when there's a thunder storm, and Pippin is scared, so I sit with him, even if it's 4 AM.

I don't do much, yes. There are people who work their ASSES off, every day. And I don't. I know that. I feel useless and worthless a LOT of the time. BUT...a lot of the time, I also think I DO deserve something nice. Some appreciation. Hell, EVERYONE does. No matter how much or little you DO on a daily basis. And dammit, I WANT to have a nice birthday, for once. I want to maybe get a bit of money, from SOMEWHERE. And NO - I don't want money to spend. I want money to SAVE. To know it's there in my bank account, for when shit inevitably does hit the fan again. Because for us, it ALWAYS does.

I KNOW people WILL read this, and think: "She's desperate." And yes, I AM. Or: Wow - she's REALLY looking for attention, playing on people's feelings." And YES, I AM actually looking for attention! How ELSE will I get the message through?! And of course: "She's just trying anything to get money." YES - YES I AM. And my personal favourite: "Why doesn't she just get a job?" Well, again, I HAVE a job: taking care of my family. And, I am on medical disability pension.

BUT, what I am most DEFINITELY NOT DOING, is lying. About ANY of this. Every word is the honest to God truth. If you don't believe that, well fuck you very much. People lie and GET AWAY WITH IT, to make money EVERY DAY. But I am sure as shit NOT one of those people. I mean, I COULD probably start lying, and maybe get money that way. Or I could even try and steal. But guess what: I DON'T WANT TO. I need money really, REALLY badly. And yet, however desperate I AM, I'm STILL not going to do the WRONG things to get what I NEED. NO - instead, I'm doing THIS again. THIS, being appealing to total strangers on the internet. Which I HAVE, mind you, been trying for the past year or so. And YES, I have gotten donations/contributions. And I am SO, SO thankful for each one. But I DO need more. And I REALLY wish more people would BELIEVE ME, and maybe help out a bit. I keep saying it, and I MEAN it: EVEN JUST $1 WILL HELP. Literally EVERY CENT COUNTS. And really, if enough people give me just $1, it would be AMAZING. But I don't have a big audience, and I DON'T have enough resources to reach enough people. Which is why I'd REALLY appreciate more people seeing this, via sharing or whatever.

Most of all, though, I just want someone to HEAR ME. And to BELIEVE ME. We ARE STRUGGLING. We are ALWAYS struggling. Which is why I've been doing something I NEVER wanted to do: asking people for help.

So here I am. Asking for HELP. PLEASE. Just $1 isn't a lot to ask. Or, actually, I KNOW it IS a lot to ask, if you DON'T HAVE IT. Which is MY LIFE every single day. I wish I could help OTHER people, but I can't. Because I have NOTHING to give. Instead, I am the one who's asking. Begging, really. Please. Please find it in your heart to help my family. Or, to give me a great 36th birthday present.

Either way, THANK YOU for reading, IF you read this far. And if you DO consider helping, there actually WOULDN'T be words enough to thank you.

Regards,

Marie.

https://paypal.me/anthsgirl

Or:

https://ko-fi.com/anthsgirl

#selfie #nofilter #nomakeup #no filter #no makeup #no make up selfie #on a personal note #please help #help please #mental health #mental heath support #buy me a coffee #fandom

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trans-advice · 6 years

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I need some help. My mom keeps saying that she's refusing to let me do so much as a hormone test to see I can go on T because she's worried for my physical wellbeing. Any suggestions on how to explain to her that not being on T is destroying my mental health, and that the best way she can help is to let me do this? I've ended up so disgusted with my body I almost threw up 3 times today, and I don't know how to explain any of this without being thrown into a psych ward. Sorry, and thank you.

to the one with heavy dysphoria who’s too young, and cannot leave their parents because they no 100% reliable friends.

TLDR: i suggest a transgender-affirmative therapist as a compromise. i also suggest getting blood work to see if you even qualify. this way your parents are able to help you without hormones for cheaper than a hospital. i also recommend NAMI's living room. (NAMI means National Alliance on Mental Illness. They do good work. To clarify being transgender isn't mental illness, but the minority stress AKA Gender Dysphoria still needs help & is in DSM-5.)

personally i grew up with bipolar. like i was diagnosed when i was 8. point being, while my parents didn’t get me to the psychiatrist regularly between major breakdowns (because cost), they made sure i got my meds. like when i was in 2nd grade i was worried taking medication would be used to invalidate me. my 2nd grade teacher who was probably over 50 said that medication was taken for one’s body to function properly even though one might not like to admit to using/needing such. she said something about heart medication, i think.

(transgender-affirmative) therapy’s simply needing to fix your mind’s abilities & fitness to cope with problems & pain the world/surviving gives it. you as a transgender person you need a gender therapist who won’t tell you your female or male & force the goals being a specific gender, but will listen to your mind’s handling of gender & go with it from there. (“transgender-affirmitive”. [1])

it’d be more efficient to go to a hormone check &or someone trained in transgender-affirmative therapy (AKA they won’t call your gender identity a demonic possession by whatever name they choose to give it.)this is on par to going to a doctor for checkups, going to a dentist for teeth, going to youtube to look up how to build ikea furniture, going to a cardiologist for heart problems, etc

I’m not sure how to explain to your mom how she should care otherwise.

if you need a mental health place, ERs aren’t helpful. NAMI’s living room can be more helpful actually. google nami living room with nearby locations like your town & state & you’ll probably find somewhere.https://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMIit’s also less expensive & offers more degrees of help.

♣, Peace & Love,Eve

[1] a useful analogy is the descriptivist versus prescriptivist models of linguistic study.

the prescriptivist model makes up rules & tells people to follow it. you’ll find it in schools because historically it was part of teaching factory workers technology. prescriptivists basically teach style guides & demand conformity via dismissing other grammar forms. descriptivists don’t tell people how to speak, they listen & try to find rules to describe what they’re experiencing. you’ll usually find this when trying to communicate with untapped communities, or when trying to document accents & regional stuff.

but that as with the body, mind/mental, social parts of your well-being being kept up & troubleshooted, you need to see a transgender-affirmative therapist. granted, diagnosis is not the same thing as identity. because diagnoses have criteria & are solution based while identity can be much more loose.

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ittakesawhilexxsixxam · 4 years

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“ ‘Looking on the bright side’ in the face of tragedy of dire situations like illness, homelessness, food insecurity, unemployment or racial injustice is a privilege that not all of us have,” she said. “So promulgating messages of positivity denies a very real sense of despair and hopelessness, and they only serve to alienate and isolate those who are already struggling.”

**********

Sometimes everything sucks. Like right now, during this pandemic.

I am at high risk for severe complications from covid, unemployed because I refused to return to work in an unsafe workplace during covid, in a financial crisis because I was denied unemployment aid (despite this being a qualifying reason), disabled with ineffective treatment, suffering from old trauma and pstd, experiencing new ptsd, can't afford therapy, hiding all this from my family who doesn't think I'm disabled, now I need urgent surgery but I can't take pain meds, I need to push through all this to get a new job, and whatever else I can't even remember at this point.

I shouldn't have to feel guilty for not instantly feeling better and getting over it by people saying "it'll be okay" and "you can do it" and then dismissing the rest.

Yeah, sure, some things will likely eventually improve somewhat. And I'm trying to make the most of my situation. If this is rock bottom, I can only go up.

But that's beside the point. I'm suffering now, and will be for the forseeable future, and the constant invalidation of my negative experiences just hurts more. I don't need positivity right now. I need understanding and compassion. No inspirational messages will change my current reality--or my outlook, because positivity feels so wrong for this much suffering.

Sometimes the best support you can give someone is a listening ear and validation that yes, life really sucks right now--and that's okay.

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janiedean · 6 years

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I know the post from the person with the friend who said she might not completely be a woman was a few days ago (?) but it kind of bugged me because trans and non-binary people don't have to experience dysphoria to identify anywhere on that spectrum. And "not-completely" is a pretty common thing to start saying fairly quickly after someone starts questioning. If she thinks she might be non-binary, being offended at being mistaken for a man would still definitely be normal

*breathes in* anon, uhm, okay, I just hope I don’t sound like an ass and if I do I’m sorry, but:

actually dysphoria is a requirement to be diagnosed as trans and as far as I know/I’m told/I read/I see, nb people also are trans they just don’t experience dysphoria for all of their sex characteristics;

(read this for more medical explanations from a better source than myself);

(you also might want to read this about the specific of the diagnosis;)

like, I can’t **identify** as trans because it’s a medical condition. I happen to have no problem wearing men’s clothes and I casually enjoy crossdressing if I’m like cosplaying or dressing up, and when I still had an F cup (then I got a reduction but nvm) I wore men’s clothes not so occasionally because I couldn’t find shirts/coats that would fit me that were cut for women, but I never once in my life thought I was anything other than a woman/thought there was anything wrong with my parts/did it because I wanted to feel like a man or felt better in my own skin because I was wearing male garb. my aunt has never worn a dress in her entire life and I’ve never seen her wearing cute shoes or anything feminine but I’m fairly sure she’s never had a problem with her sex characteristics. being gender non-conforming doesn’t mean you’re trans or nb. I’m not nb because I’m entirely fine with wearing my dad’s old clothes one day and my favorite floral pink dress the next one. I’m still a cis woman. you have to experience some sort of dysphoria to be on that spectrum, otherwise how the hell do you know?

like, when I got explained what it meant that someone was trans (and it was my then almost forty-year old mom in the early nineties not now) I got told that some people felt like they were in the wrong body and solved it transitioning, I asked if it was possible, I got told that yes there was surgery, I was like ‘how do they know’, I got replied ‘well they do’ and it made entirely sense to me because I mean, I felt fine in my own, if someone else didn’t feel fine in theirs then they would have known, and thing is, if you don’t feel like the body parts you were born with are wrong how do you decide you’re *trans*? when there’s an entire criteria made to diagnose whether you are and excluding that you might have other disorders dysphoria is a symptom of?

then we can discuss for years about whether people with gender dysphoria might not want to transition for whichever reason or might not feel like it’s worth it or about the various types of dysphoria around but I am really not the right person to do it since I’m not trans and I can’t tell you anything more than what I hear from trans people or that I read online /on medical journals so like I really am not the person you wanna go ask information to but you can’t just decide you’re trans from one day to the other. like, you can realize that you are after years or in the middle of your life or whatever, but you must have been feeling something wrong with your body since you were aware of it or anyway from early on, you don’t develop gender dysphoria or any other symptoms tied to being diagnosed as trans from one day to the other and you don’t wake up in the morning suddenly not feeling fine with your body when the day before everything was fine;

which means that it sounds a bit sketchy that someone who until that point never had a problem with her body suddenly says she’s ‘not completely a woman’ but at the same time gets angry if someone mistakes her for a man because like, if you’re not one then why the hell would you get overtly angry at not being recognized as such? like, that’s why I told the anon to make sure that she really wasn’t questioning her gender identity and then I got a reply that about killed that angle tbh, and if she was non-binary she should have still felt dysphoria before in her life and not all of a sudden; obviously if she does have it for real it’s another problem but from anon said it didn’t sound like it;

anyway tldr dysphoria is a requirement because if you don’t have it then what’s the point? I don’t have it, I can be gender non-conforming when I want to (when it comes to clothing) and it doesn’t make me trans or nb because I don’t feel like my body is the wrong one. (I have other issues with how I look but having the wrong parts isn’t one of them.) it’s like, I can’t **identify as diabetic** if I don’t have insuline deficiency, and if I have it then I have diabetes, I don’t *identify as one*. and since gender dysphoria requires a medical treatment and taking meds/hormones and a therapy should you choose to transition (or should you choose to do something about it since it’s usually not a very nice thing to live with) you can’t just say you *identify* as something you need to take meds for if you have it. I can *identify* as straight because that’s my *sexual identity* and I know I find men attractive and not women, I can’t *identify* as diabetic since my insuline levels are fine. it’s the exact same idea and if you don’t have some sort of gender dysphoria and you don’t feel comfortable in the gender you were born in then what makes you trans, not liking dresses if you were born female? that’s gender roles, not needing HRT to alleviate dysphoria symptoms.

tldr: sorry, you do need dysphoria to be trans (and nb people are also trans as far as I know, just not binary) and if you say that’s not a requirement then my aunt is trans because she doesn’t dress feminine and my mom is nb because she dresses very femininely but has short hair, has always been the one driving the family car and can use whatever tool you throw at her except for drills and she’s sorry that she never learned how to use one. like, that’s gender roles and there’s no problem in being gender nonconforming, but neither of them is trans or nb and sure as hell they aren’t dysphoric, and it would be ridiculous to assume they were never mind actually creating trouble for trans people with actual dysphoria. and it’s a fairly dangerous mentality to have because if you don’t have dysphoria but take HRT or whatever because you’re *trans* then you do develop dysphoria because your entire body changes and it’s not the one you were born in, which would give it to you when you didn’t have it previously, and it’s not good for your health. like, sorry but it is a requirement and it’s not me, random cishet people saying it, it’s the DSM.

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #transsexuality cw #transsexuality for ts #guys if you want more detailed info go ask actual trans people tho #:/#Anonymous #ask post

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2jam4u · 7 years

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Sorry if this is super annoying but can I ask you some stuff about what therapy is like? I'm dealing with alot of traumatic shit from my past and I just don't feel like I have a way out. I don't wanna simply be told i have a thing and get put on meds. Are u allowed to never go back if u choose not to? And do u absolutely have to take medication if they tell u to? Do you feel like it made a difference for u? I'm afraid it'll make me worse. Thank u and I understand if u don't feel like answering.

alrighty kitten strap in because i feel like this is gonna be a long one!

First of all, fucking proud of you!!!!! for deciding to go to therapy. It’s like the most annoying irritating choice in the world and I’m happy you’ve gotten there. That’s absolutely commendable and you should be proud of yourself.

I’ve been to therapists and counsellors a grand total of 5 different times, all for technically different reasons - the first one starting when I was 13 and my parents broke up lol they thought i’d be upset about it but mostly I was happy because i thought it meant my abusive ass father was leaving for good (WRONG lmao fuck me) and all that it did was reveal how paranoid I’ve been my entire life (pretty sure I did a sketch of the face/vision of a person I constantly thought was looking in the window at me in the bathroom... lmao)

Number 1 rule about therapy, seriously the MOST important thing (ok tied for first with another thing i’ll mention after) is that finding a therapist is hard and you should absolutely 100% shop around. Finding a therapist is kinda like dating, you may go in for an appointment and you absolutely hate the person and you have absolutely every right (and should) to never go back. there are therapists who are good for you for a time. I had a therapist in 2013 who was this crotchety like 90 year old lady in a retirement home because of course it’s my life why not, who i originally went to because I thought I was a lil depressed about my stepdad dying turns out !! we accidentally stumbled on my repressed memories of my rape! confetti it’s a parade! She helped me a fuck ton because damn without her I may have never found those memories much less been able to deal with them head on right away in a healthy way. she walked me through some really tough shit and I owe a lot of my i dunno recovery to her. but yknow she wasn’t great for me in other areas long term. I knew i had a million other problems to deal with that she couldn’t help me with so when i felt like i’d gotten what I needed from her i stopped going! easy peasy!(Actually a lot of therapists/counsellors won’t start you out as a long term patient, they’ll do like 3 - 10 sessions at a time so you’re not making a life long committment don’t worry)PLUS! you’re paying these people for a service... if you don’t like the service you received.... you stop going. easy as that. you don’t owe them anything, and they know for damn sure that not every patient they see will be a perfect fit. personalities, strategies bla bla bla. all different person to person so it’s really up to you if you stay with one person or not but i aaaabsolutely recommend you make sure you’re comfortable talking with that person, don’t guilt yourself into staying just because you made an appointment.

Which brings me to the tied for first second most important rule of therapy: you have to be disgustingly honest. literally the entire point of the process is to talk about shit honestly. I found myself, with a lot of therapists, being weirdly polite. They’d be like “hey jam how terrible is your life today?” and i’d be like “fine thank you :)”. Acheives. Nothing. You’re just wasting your time, money and subconsciously convincing yourself that therapy does nothing for you when really you didn’t give the process a chance to begin with!

So go in there and ugly cry if you have to, bare your guts in a way that feels embarrassing, make sure you get vulnerable because ! how can they help you if they don’t know the problem!!!

As for meds I’m probably not the best person to ask because I absolutely think it’s an incredible tool in your arsenal for tackling mental illnesses. Plus I was raised in a family of like a million illnesses and one of my aunts is a drug rep with a billion problems too and she’s always advocated meds and they’ve been a big help in our family, plus I’m bipolar and literally I was pretty fucking low functioning before i started taking my current meds so i’m definitely biased. But one thing I will say is, unlike what everyone seems to think, you can’t just take your meds and get better. it’s a tool to help alongside other things that you’re doing to get better/recover bla bla. you take the meds while going to therapy or whatever other things you’re doing. it’s not a one stop shop. and if your therapist insists on drugs when you absolutely do not want to take them, find a new therapist (unless you have a mental illness where it’s absolutely crucial that you take them, in which case... listen to your doctor). But if you have a therapist you think is helping you and they suggest meds, maybe talk to them about it. Mention your reservations and try to get a nice lengthy answer why they think they’d help you. Since you’re wary about them already I would just suggest thinking hard about it, don’t let anyone sway you in one direction or the next but truly consider it instead of dismissing it outright or thinking that because your doctor suggested them that you have to take them.

If you want to talk more about meds hmu because I’ve got a lot to say and lots of personal experience! I hope some of this yammering helped sugar! I know there’s a lot of tools online that let you talk to psychiatrists and therapists on skype and shit and I think a few of them that do free trial first sessions so definitely look into that if you’re wary about the whole situation in general before you start making face to face appointments!

Good luck baby I’m 100% rooting for you!!!!

#you're gonna kill it but still #rooting for you #rape mention #rape tw #Anonymous

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