#im SO well medicated and living my best life and im still also insane

[wheresmymilliondollarman]

aaron warner x ferrars! reader pt. 3

when omega point falls, you find yourself in need of the supreme commander's son, and discover unresolved feelings along the way.

(taken place during ignite me & hc continuation from part two)

that is literally me in this gif y'all🖤🖤

a/n: hello!! finally back with part 3. i'm sorry for the wait, i wanted to do other requests, but tbh i might focus on this little series so that way it's complete and everyone can read it all together. also idk why i even label it hcs anymore LMAOO like i feel it's progressed to a fic atp, but i'm too stubborn to change my format and titles, so humor me LOL. (maybe i'll turn this into a legit fic when i finish, who knows) pls do not kill me for not including every detail, i tried to highlight the best parts as much as i could. also might seem all sunshine rainbows rn with relationships, but just wait for the next book… 🤞 extra info: kinda change adam's character cus i feel like he was an extra ass at times for no reason in the book?? like trying to kill kenji for no reason?? small redemption arc. kinda slight change to juliette. also, i love making reader, juliette, and kenji a lil trio.

word count: 10.7k (im insane)

warnings: mentions of fights, blood, injuries, and death. use of military time (reader so me fr bc it took me so long to understand that shit), suggestive and matureish content.

the first thing on your mind, when you woke up, is that you had to be dead. if you opened your eyes, you would see the golden gates of heaven or the fiery pit of hell. based on how you lived your short life: you were thinking hell.

you realized you were alive and mostly well from the horrible aching from your body, the bandages wrapped around your chest, and the fact your current surrounding was a bedroom.

"hey, amor, take it easy." a voice said as you attempted to sit up.

by your side was aaron warner, sitting down on a stool next to the bed you laid on. he, uncharacteristically, looked disheveled, his clothes messy, and his eyes anxious.

your panic arose as you remembered events - fighting against the reestablishment, then getting caught, and then being shot in the chest by anderson. and then you recognized the room; it was aaron's bedroom - back at the base.

aaron notices your alarm and grabs your hands to calm you down. "it's alright you're safe here, i'm not gonna hurt you."

it may have been an idiotic move, but you believed his words.

"why are we here?"

"i had no choice. everyone believes your dead, and the base is the best place to keep you hidden."

"i don't understand...i'm not a medic by any means, but shouldn't i be dead?"

"you have sara and sonya to thank for that. they were able to save your heart from stopping before being dragged away by my father. then, i was able to take their energy as my own and heal the rest of you."

you were thankful for his aid in your life being saved, but you were too focused on many other worries to properly thank him. like the state of your friends.

you try your hand at getting up, trying to ignore the dizziness that comes with it. aaron holds you steady to stop you from falling.

aaron protests, "you need to res-" but you interrupt, "i need to go. i-i have to find everyone and help them."

"you can't."

you stop your movement and turn to aaron, "what do you mean? i know i'm in horrible shape, but i have to see juliette and everyone else could be in troubl-"

"it's over."

your face scrunches up in confusion, "what?"

aaron's silent for a few movements; you can't breathe. he looks down, his grip on you tightening, "they're dead. all of them."

you look at him in horror, your mouth open, but no words are released. your knees give out, and Aaron carries your full weight in his arms.

he slowly brings you both down to the ground next to the bed, still holding onto you. "i'm sorry, please believe me when i say that. if there was a way to spare you of this pain i would do it in a heartbeat."

you feel like a shell of yourself, you have no reaction, just an emotionless look on your face.

"what happened?" you say in a monotone voice.

"amor, i think you need to lay down or shower, then eat some-"

"what happened," you repeat with a harsher voice.

"they... overtook your friends, some were taken to be tortured, but most were.. shot dead."

"and omega point?"

"....destroyed. they got the coordinates and bombed the entire foundation."

you feel disconnected from reality; nothing feels real. everything is numb; you can't find it in yourself to let out any sort of emotion.

"so juliette, kenji, adam, james..."

aaron didn't need to answer for you to know. they're gone.

the first thing you did was laugh like a lunatic, aaron likely looked at you like you were mad. then finally, the tears came.

you yelled at aaron to get out, even though it was his room. in hysteria, you started levitating things and throwing them at him until he exited the room.

you don't know how long you spent sobbing on the floor next to the bed. you weren't even sure if you were going to stop.

your voice was sore from the number of times you wailed apologies to juliette for being a bad sister and for not being there to protect your friends.

when the tears finished, you reached denial. you knew your friends - there was no way they were dead. juliette was stronger than you, physically and sometimes mentally, so if you could survive a bullet to the chest, your sister could be alive.

when aaron comes back hours later to check on you, he didn't expect to see you walking around in new attire, packing clothes and items into a bag.

"what are you doing?"

"i have to go back."

aaron was taken aback by your statement, but you claimed there was a possibility there were people who survived. he countered saying he'd seen the damage and it wasn't likely. you didn't listen to him and continued preparing.

"this is unhealthy and possibly delusional thinking."

"well, then put me back in the asylum if i'm wrong. i'm going if you let me or not."

he sighs, and then gives in, not before insisting he comes along with you. now you were the one taken aback. was he actually offering to help you?

"why do you seem surprised? it's not as if i haven't made my care for you quite clear."

"no offense, but you're the most confusing man ever. i want to trust you, i've seen your good-natured side. you even claim to.. love me. but you work for the reestablishment, but then claim to be on my side. don't forget the fact you tried to turn juliette and i into weapons for the reestablishment, held us, hostage, at your base, and put us into a torture chamber. not exactly behavior that screams i want to help you."

at this he laughs then laughs harder and you get annoyed, not knowing what was funny. you were ready to kick him out again until he finally stooped.

"i suppose i owe you a long overdue explanation."

nothing prepared you for his next words. aaron began to retell the events from his perspective. starting with his true intentions of bringing you and juliette from the asylum - to study the both of you.

aaron explained his mother's condition, being unable to be touched - a reverse juliette basically. he sought out her at first, then discovered your existence and became intrigued more.

he invented the guise of using you both for weapons as a way for his father to agree to invest in you both.

as anderson mentioned before, juliette was of special interest because of her ability, and yours wasn't as impressive to him at the time. aaron had to convince the commander that your mind reading ability would be great for spy purposes.

once he brought the two of you to the base, he was ready to face 2 vicious and demented sisters, but it was literally the opposite of that. instead he got stuck with two stubborn and immature, you were offended at that, teenage girls.

"juliette was more of the hard-headed one, you mostly just followed along, i figured that out after the dinner and dress stunt. however, i can't say feeding you myself wasn't pleasurable for myself."

aaron saw your fear of your own ability and had intentions to help you and juliette, in his own way.

his tried various ways to unlock your potential - with juliette he tried anger and bullying and with you he knew you couldn't suppress hearing thoughts, so he figured spending time with you was the best option. but he came to understand how much he loved being around you.

"i was so addicted to being around you, i got sidetracked. but then my worry grew when you both showed no progress on enhancing your ability, so as a last resort, i arranged an experiment."

to your surprise, he revealed it was actually a simulation which was a major relief to you that no one was actually harmed by your powers, well, no one besides warner. but he partly deserved it for putting you through that.

although you were mad he implanted that fear into you, you had to admit. it did work.

"so, instead of finding some way to inform me earlier of all this, you make my sister and i think of you as some supervillain who wanted control of our autonomy." you grab the nearest pillow and launch it at him. "you're an idiot! we were scared out of our minds! juliette and i's last conversation was a fight over that! do you know much much time you could- are you seriously smiling?"

"god, i love it when you yell at me."

now that the ait was clear, you were able to put more of your faith into aaron and his intentions. and not feel bad about kissing him.

the two of you worked together on a plan to get you back to what was left of omega point.

you met an older gentleman by the name of delalieu. he was very sweet, but it got a little vexing every time he jumped to warner's defense whenever you made a remark; even ones said in levity. 

a few days later, when aaron deemed it safer, you both set off to leave. although you had the misfortune of having to be stuffed into a cart to avoid being spotted. at least it was better than the body bag you were transported in the first time.

the two of you transported to what was left of omega point in a tank. aaron notably was able to drive to the location with ease. you grew suspicious because one - he told his father he didn't know how to get there and two - he was unconscious the whole time you, juliette, kenji, and adam drove there. you decide to question him on the matter.

"i wasn't completely unconscious on the trip there. i was very conscious when you were touching my hair and tracing my features."

"i knew it! you little faker, you intentionally pushed yourself onto me didn't you!"

when you both arrived, the scene was as horrible as you imagined. - rubbles and dust everywhere and a huge gaping hole miles down. you felt sick thinking about everyone who stayed behind, including james. god, you hoped at least your friends were alright.

you were suddenly tackled to the ground by warner, and the sound of a gunshot followed after. a voice yelled out, and you immediately recognized it - kenji.

you got up instantly and ran to him, attacking him with a gigantic hug, tears brimming at your eyes.

"oh my god, i thought you were dead!"

"i thought you were dead!"

"you almost killed me right now when you shot at us like a lunatic!"

"sorry, i was aiming for warner- where'd he go?"

you change subject, "juliette? is she alright?"

kenji confirms she is alive, and you felt like you could breathe again. you needed to see her as soon as possible.

kenji started looking for warner like a madman, and you, too, were curious about his whereabouts - until he startled you by "showing" up behind you. he had turned himself invisible.

he was ready to take you both back before kenji shot him, but you declined to say you had to see juliette and anyone else that survived. aaron was reluctant but then handed you a pager, not that you knew what it was, and gave you a limit of four hours. you thought it to be ridiculous, but you compromised to ease his worries.

you and kenji ventured back to adam's house, your first time being there since you were unable to the first time around. he, heart-achingly, filled you in on the events, how they searched for you, how many were lost, and who remained. you told your side of the action, including everything with aaron.

kenji did have some judgemental comments, but you understood he was reeling from the shock of everything, especially from the details regarding aaron.

you bite your tongue when kenjii speaks ill of warner. defending him would only make you look naive, plus you couldn't deny the others had their reasoning for disliking the guy. you would end up sounding like delalieu.

"so what, you like the guy now? god, don't tell me your gullible enough to fall for it just because he's the first guy to show interest in you."

his words cut deep into you, but you don't respond and change the subject back to getting to the house. you didn't want to argue after being so happy kenji is alive. but damn did you want to give him a shove with your powers.

your spirits lifted as soon as you reached the destination. you pull kenji to the front door and urge him to open it. he knocks and confirms his identity before it's opened by winston, who was shocked to see you.

you greeted him quickly, feeling bad, but your main focus was your sister. next you see alia, castle, brendan, lily and alia. (all frozen to their spots as soon as they noticed you). when you see james you give him a tight hug, thankful for his well-being.

adam and juliette walked out of the kitchen engaged in conversation, not noticing you at first. then kenji drew their attention with a cough.

both of you were paralyzed at first; you were the first to break and jump at her with tears and an overbearing hug. she was quick to return it, then the both of you started crying in relief to see each other after thinking the other was dead.

"i'm so sorry for how we ended things, you had a right to be upset and i was a bad sister for not taking your feelings into account. "

"no, i'm the one who overreacted. i should've came with you the moment you told me you felt something was wrong."

"okay we get it elsa and anna; you're both very happy to see each other. please, no more tears."

you both pulled away, laughing softly at your dramatics. you turned and gave adam a much quicker hug, him happy to see you breathing.

with greeting out of the way, everyone's attention was turned back to you, particularly how you survived. you took a deep breath, and retold everything you told kenji, leaving out intimate details about aaron and you. everyone reacted similarly to the way kenji had.

the room then filled with different questions and thoughts, all voices one another, reminding you of listening to different people's thoughts at the same time. they all started assuming the worst in warner, and this time you did defend him - but it only made you look guilty.

the subject turned over to what was the next plan of action. castle was out of it, so he provided no help. adam was the first to protest any sort of fight, his concern for james overshadowing. juliette was on the fence about it for adam's sake, but you knew she wanted to fight against the reestablishment like everyone else, if not more. especially after all they had put the two of you through.

the conversation barely got past arguments before the front door was suddenly brought down. everyone, besides you, held up weapons to attack the intruder - you held up your hands, ready to use your power if necessary. but then you recognized the intruder quickly - aaron.

you ran over in front of him and advised everyone to stand down, but they didn't listen, they were too focused on the fact aaron had arrived.

you readied yourself to lower their weapons yourself, but then aaron made a move of his own and flung all the guns across the room with levitation.

"i was gonna do that.." you mumbled quietly to yourself.

"apologies, amor, i'll let you get them next time."

everyone else was stunned, you explained aaron's gift, but it was still a shock to see. a few banters are exchanged, but aaron, uncaring as ever, ignores them and proceeds to grab your arm so the two of you can leave. however, you stop him, not wanting to leave on bad terms.

you informed everyone that aaron was on your side, and they were understandably doubtful to believe it, but as they noticed how he acted with you, it became more believable.

you took the chance to try to persuade everyone to stand up again against the rebellion. juliette and kenji were the first to side with you, and slowly everyone followed along, adam and ian being the ones more reluctant. you could respect adam for thinking of james and juliette, and ian was just an asshole, but he was also mourning. in a turn of events, castle chimed in with his support.

aaron, not thrilled about the new members of your alliance, announced the two of you would be leaving. juliette protested, not wanting to be away from you after she just got you back.

part of you longed to lay on the comfortable bed back at the base, but you needed to stay with your team. so, you made an agreement aaron could return for you the next day.

"so i'll come back for you tomorrow? thirteen hundred hours."

"thirteen hundred hours? like from now?"

"it means one o'clock."

"... one o'clock is not thirteen hundred hours from now."

aaron was holding back a laugh, juliette was just as confused, and kenji physically facepalmed.

aaron eventually left after you reassured him you'd be fine. ian was of no help as he kept insulating it was better if you left. adam stormed off not long after, juliette following to calm him. she returned looking dejected and assumed she and adam fought. kenji suggested the three of you go out for a walk, although it was late.

during the night stroll, all three of you got emotions off your chest. kenji's feelings about the whole situation, juliette's issues with adam (they were still technically broken up) , and your turmoil with warner. kenji was somewhat holding back, but you knew he was just trying to hold up a strong facade.

as you disclosed your confusion and feelings, kenji had many questions, from disbelief, and juliette mainly just patiently listened and remained silent.

"so you like the guy, for what his personality? totally has nothing to do with his looks?

"hey, i'm not shallow! ...aaron just happens to be gifted with excellent looks."

"hearing you call him aaron is so weird. and i'm not judging you if you did. seeing adam shirtless is probably what drew juliette to him at the start."

"hey!"

the light banter made the solemn conversation easier to talk through. it was nice to be always from everything for a bit, and just act like friends.

you three returned back, kenji walked to the door first, and juliette grabbed your wrist to stop you from following him.

"i just want to talk to you alone real quick. about warner,.. or aaron, whatever you call him."

you held your breath, partly ready for her to possibly start another argument.

"i know you're confused about what you feel for him still, but i need you to know if you decide you love him - i'll support you. i don't want it to get in the way our bond. after everything that's happened... i realized there no time to waste on petty little things, especially about guys. all that should matter is we're always here for each other."

you give each other another heartfelt and tearful hug; glad kenji wasn't there to comment on how sappy and emotional it is.

"so, just between us sisters, do you think you love him?"

you laugh, and open the truth of your heart of her.

back inside, you all prepared for him or, as aaron called it a "slumber party." wasn't too far off since everyone besides james, adam, and castle slept on the ground.

your place was between kenji and juliette, each of you having your own pillow and blanket. winston and brendan bantered a bit about kicking faces before the turns finally went out.

"kenji, i know it will be incredibly hard, but keep your hands to yourself."

"you wish. you should be telling your sister that, she's basically all over me every night."

"shut up."

the next day brought a lot of drama. the day started off late, leaving little time to discuss before aaron arrived. another fight between adam and juliette set off. the issue being that aaron was coming back, which adam was completely against. he had been fine with your stay, but he wouldn't compromise for letting him return. adam gave an ultimatum, if you brought warner he would essentially kick you out.

juliette went to your defense and partly aaron's for your benefit. this only set off adam more. kenji tried his hand at intervening but only got backlash from adam, who stormed off outside after. everyone else stayed quiet, but you could tell one or two silently agreed with adam.

you didn't wanna stir any more trouble than needed, so you started preparing yourself to go, clicking the little mechanism aaron gave you a couple times to ensure it worked.

brendan, winston, castle, lily insisted you stay as well. james also gave a small plead for you to remain. juliette believed she could still talk some sense into adam.

it felt great to have their support, but at the same time, you felt bad for having to divide everyone into teams, yours or adam's. instead of building a team, you were tearing one apart.

before you knew it, the newly fixed door was again slammed open by the same intruder from the day before. aaron barged in, almost of breath and distressed. you thought something happened to him because of how disarranged he looked.

he locked his gaze on you and speedily grabbed you in his arms, cupping your face and scanning you up and down for any injuries. you were a bit embarrassed as everyone was a witness to aaron fussing over your well-being.

"did you run here?"

"of course, you beeped the pager."

you assured him you were alright and turned back to everyone with faces of incredulity.

"woah, this is... freaky." winston began.

"i worked for this guy for more than a year and never even saw him smile."

you explained to aaron that you couldn't stay at the house any longer but couldn't leave everyone else either. he offers to have them stay in the training area, but kenji declines, needing a better offer. juliette sides with kenji, the rest don't fully trust warner, so they need reassurance.

you couldn't bare the thought of leaving everyone again, so you pleaded to aaron to give in to their demands, willing to compromise whatever. you were happy and a little shocked, along with everyone else, when he accepted the terms.

"i'll return tomorrow at fourteen hundred ho-" he sees your confused face again, "2 o'clock. i really must educate you on military time, amor"

"or you could just say the time on a clock like the average person."

aaron takes your hand and guides you back to the tank to make your way back to the base before anyone notes his disappearance.

you express your gratitude for his help, and he responds by saying there's not need, he would do whatever to ease your pain. he also partly owed it to you for being so dismissive when you believed your friends were alive.

"i know they all judge you right now, and maybe they always will. but, i do believe you're a good person, and sure, you have flaws, but who doesn't - i am certainly no saint. i don't want to fix you...just want to make you see yourself in a better light like i do." your final words before falling into a slumber against the window.

you return back to the base the way you came in with delalieu's help. your both back in aaron's room, not having said a word to each other since the tank. aaron's started to ask questions about what had happened back at adam's house. you briefly told him about the drama about adam not wanting you there if you were with warner.

aaron became upset, not liking how adam treated you, and reassured you he would harm him if you wanted him to. you quickly assure him that you didn't care about it, you weren't going to beg to stay where you weren't wanted. you were mostly concerned about what it had done to whatever relationship was left between juliette and adam. she obviously loved him, but she couldn't hold herself back for him either.

you go silent at the mention of juliette, remembering your last private conversation. aaron, being able to easily feel your emotions, pick up and it and presses for information.

"it's just.. she asked me if i loved you."

aaron's breath hitches, "what was your response."

"i told her, 'love is a strong word. i'm not even sure i fully understand it. but i think...no i know. i'm falling for him.' "

aaron didn't respond, he got up and went to his office, shutting the door behind him. you weren't sure what it meant. and you didn't see him for the rest of the day.

you couldn't sleep that night; your mind was doing circles in anticipation of the group's arrival tomorrow.

you got up with the intention of solely getting a glass of water, but then heard a loud noise come from the direction aaron's office.

wanting to make sure he was okay, you walked in without notice. the door was already halfway open, so you figured it was alright.

the room was bigger than your childhood home's living room; it was filled with different seats of furniture, books, shelf, etc. aaron was at his large desk - his shirt discarded and only wearing slacks and socks.

aaron's brushes you off, telling you to go to bed, but your focus is on a small jar in his hands. you ask what it is, but he avoids answering, so you grab the object yourself. he attempts to get it from you, but you move away - deja vu to when aaron wouldn't return your journal to you. it felt nice to be on the flip side of it for once.

you read the label and understood it was a medicine. then it clicked; it was for his scars. and he was embarrassed about it. it was kind of cute.

he confirms it's for his back, so you nicely offer to do it for him since he seemed to have trouble reaching it. he was obviously self-conscious no matter how much he denied it, and you told him it didn't matter; you'd already seen them. but he kept turning his back away from you. you were getting suspicious that the scars were only part of the reason he was hiding.

you got annoyed and impulsively used your power to keep him sat and finally make his back face you. you could apologize later.

then you saw it. yes, his scars were still there, but on top of that were your wonky star doodles. the ones you drew in his cells two weeks ago in his cell at omega point.

you were confused about how they were still there, darker than you remember. the pen you used was lousy; you would know since you used it to write and the ink always smudged. the pen ink was also blue, and this was black. the skin around it was also freshly red.

"wait.. is this tattooed?"

his silence confirmed it. you were speechless. he tattooed your silly little doodles. he needed the medicine to numb the pain of the ink.

"why would you do this?"

"figured it your mark was better than the ones my dad left me."

"aaron."

"it was the first time i looked at my back and smiled."

you think your heart burst on the spot.

"god, i would've made them better if i knew you were gonna mark it."

"they're perfect." god, you were ready to melt.

you compose yourself and insist you put on the medicine since it was your tattoo design that's causing him slight pain. he didn't protest this time. you applied it in silence, then worked up the courage to ask about his scars.

aaron was very hesitant, you were ready to be shut down, but then he opened up to you. his scars being a 'birthday gift' from his father. it was heartbreaking to hear and almost brought tears to your eyes, but you knew pity was the last thing he wanted.

"when you saw them back in my cell, i waited to see that look of repulse on your face, but it never came. you observed them so carefully like they were the most interesting thing to you. then you had the gall to say it was similar to abstract art."

"well, it's true. they're not ugly, and you're certainly not repulsive. the scars are like a show of strength for everything you've been through. they're yours; only you decide what they represent. anyone who thinks differently is a total loser."

"please, stop."

"i'm sorry, did i say something wr-"

"i love you. so much that the first thing i did when returning here after escaping omega point was getting delalieu to tattoo my skin because your marks faded. i didn't even let myself wash off in fear they'd disappear before i got a chance to preserve them. i couldn't wipe the smile off my face whenever i looked at it through a mirror. it always reminded me of you. our moments. our last kiss. i burn for you greatly, and you don't even realize it."

"aaron..."

"don't."

"you know how i feel. but i'm still figuring it out, this is all new to me, and i want to get to know you better-"

"please. just go." and you did.

the following day, right on schedule, aaron goes to pick up the group while you stay behind waiting in the training facility that he briefly gave you a tour of.

the group arrived, and you happily greeted them as they looked around the place in awe. aaron began to go over rules and boundaries for the group. after the previous night, you were unsure about where you stood with warner, so you decided to give him some space and stand with the rest of the group. as he spoke, he threw not-so subtle glances your way, making you confused about whether he was upset with you or not.

aaron ventured off, everyone was setting up their items, and you separated with kenji and juliette. they book had look more distressed upon their arrival. apparently, juliette took one last chance to try and convince adam to come along, he didn't budge, saying he had to protect james and encouraged juliette to stay as well. it resulted in an argument; eventually, he respected her decision to fight - but it would mean the end for them. you comforted your sister through her heartbreak, adam had been a big part of her life, even a bit of yours. so to say goodbye must've been hard for her.

kenji also tried to persuade adam, but it escalated, and the two started throwing harsh words at each other. you knew adam was his friends, whether they both acknowledged it or not, and after omega point, you were sure kenji didn't want to lose anyone else. leaving james behind made it worse.

the direction of conversation then turned to you, and you were originally going to deny any conflict, but kenji and juliette picked up on the tension between you and aaron.

juliette starts, "so, what happened with warner?"

"don't know what you mean."

kenji and juliette give each other a mutual glance, " we aren't blind; the guy kept looking at you as if you'd killed his puppy. like seriously, there could've been a rain cloud over him with how much he was sulking."

you opened up to the happenings of last night, leaving out too personal information about warner, and how you weren't sure what to do now. kenji lost his mind at the bit about the tattoo, this new side of warner still weirding him out.

"i thought you were into him?"

"i mean, i am. it's just all so confusing. i'm not trying to string him along, i just want to truly know him before i could want more with him. it feels like he knows every single thing about me, while i'm barely starting to paint a picture. or maybe he only thinks he loves me or he's only interested in me because of my gift."

"dude, everything he has done for us so far is all because of you. what kind of guy tattoo's a stupid drawing someone drew on their back? and i swear he gets cartoon heart eyes when he looks at you too long. i know i called you naive for believing it, but that was before i saw first hand how intimate his feelings are for you."

"he's right, y/n. think about if he only cared about your gift, he would've been treating us the same, after all, he brought both of us in. sure, he acts decent towards me, but i'm pretty sure it has more to do with the fact we're sisters. you don't play nice with someone's family unless you really like them."

you were silent as you absorbed both their perspectives.

kenji sighs, "damn, i need a love life."

"interested in someone else."

"technically single, but i'd choose the asylum over you."

"i'm starting to miss when you both were meek and quiet."

after that friendly therapy session, you regained your focus on the important task, formulating a plan to overtake anderson. you had a few ideas, some you talked about with aaron, but a seventeen-year-old girl can only do so much on her own, so that's why you bring in your sister, who is also seventeen. as the two of you went through essentially the same trauma, she had as much right to be a big part of this as you.

aaron came back hours later, and everyone gathered around and took a seat somewhere. to your surprise, aaron sat down right the to you. the tension is so much worse side by side. knowing aaron could read what you felt didn't make it better.

you began to illustrate the details of the plan, juliette helping fill in and explain points. the goal is to get anderson to sector 45; to do that, you had to take over sector 45. getting people and soldiers to rebel was going to be the trickiest part, and much of the group wasn't on board that it could work.

"we're going to have to show them our strengths, i'll help them see our strength." you explain.

"and if they shoot us?" ian counters..

juliette shrugs, "then don't do it, i'm sure my sister and i are capable of being amazing by ourselves."

"real humble , j."

brendan speaks up, "so, we've got somewhat of a synopsis of juliette's gift, but, no offense y/n, what is it you can do besides read minds?"

it was true; almost everyone wasn't aware of other capabilities you possessed. you didn't like to divulge your gift much back at omega point, kenji, juliette, and castle knowing the most. unlike juliette, who had many different events where she showed her amazing strength, and you were sure they saw more when she practiced at adam's house while you were separated.

you briefly revealed more about your powers, mind-reading, telekinesis, and your ongoing training in telepathic defense. you admitted to losing control a few times as well. the group looked more amazed as you went on.

"prove it."

"yeah, c'mon dude, show us."

everyone else started egging you on to make a show of your powers; you even saw aaron look interested in wanting to see it. you gave in, and asked aaron for permission to throw some objects around, he nodded.

you started levitating different objects and throwing a few around. kenji started begging for you to lift him, so you did - then winston and brendan kept begging to go next. you showcased a small shield of energy you were able to produce. lastly, they wanted to see your telepathic projection, but you explained it would involve harming one of them, so you shut it down.

"so like, you can do all that too right? since you can steal powers?" winston questions warner.

"yes, if i wanted to i could take hers, or any of your powers and use it."

you cough into your hand, "no one's better than the original, though."

"so the two of you together can basically can..."

"take over the world?"

"...was going to say kick serious ass, but you're not wrong."

warner doesn't respond, but you can see him holding back a smile.

the thought of warner taking powers was eerie to the group, but you reassured them of your faith and trust in aaron. then the conversation redirects to the plan. castle questions of what is supposed to happen if you do win, such as who is going to lead.

"i will." juliette pulls you by the arm next to her, "and y/n will help me."

the room falls silent. even warner is still. your head snaps to your sister, that was not a topic the two of you discussed. nor did you know it was up for discussion. you, of course, didn't express your surprise, you couldn't show doubt when this whole meeting relied on trust. juliette's speech on the new world motivated everyone to follow through with the battle plan, you silently supported it, but in your mind, you didn't think it was the best idea for you both to lead a whole country. you think juliette forgets just how young and inexperienced you both are.

but you were sure this was a problem that could be mended later, right?

aaron and you were alone in his room again, the silence so deafening, you mentally cringed. you attempted to start the conversation on his thoughts about the plan, but he began to brush you off. frustrated, you call him out on his recent behavior.

"why is it all or nothing with you? i didn't reject you- all i said was i want to know you better, i saw you in a bad light for a good while. i want to see the positive just as much."

"or maybe you're just expecting too much from me."

"why are you being so stubborn!"

"because you being disgusted with what you learn, would end me."

he walked out after, a common occurrence, it seemed, these past days.

you vented all your frustrations into training the next day. you told yourself you wouldn't focus on warner, no matter how good he looked in sweatpants, and instead use your pent-up energy to master your powers.

it paid off well; you got closer to creating a shield. but maybe a little too well, since you accidentally launched kenji across the room with your energy force. he got you back off, turning invisible and tripping you. juliette concentrated on moving her dumbbell with the force of will, but she struggled. reminded you a lot of your training at omega point. you offered her tips on what worked for you, and kenji coached.

at some point, you went to the back to drink from your water bottle, unintentionally near where warner was bench pressing. then suddenly you heard someone yell 'get down'. it all happened in a flash, you turned around a bit late, and the rock wall behind you came crumbling down at you. you quickly attempted to lift your hands, levitate most of the impact and braced yourself. suddenly, instead of your body colliding with dozen of sharp rocks, you were surrounded in bubbles. you turned the rumble into fucking bubbles.

you stood mouth wide open in shock for a minute, the people around you just as amazed. aaron was the first to run to you, asking if you were alright, and you nodded, still a bit shocked. he expressed his astoundment at your newfound skill.

juliette then came up to you and profusely apologized, and you assured her you were okay and accidents happen.

"i can't count how many times i almost knocked out castle with things during my training. you'll get the hang of it. plus, i'm sure aaron had trouble learning to control power too."

"oh, no. though i've always been very good at everything i do."

you smack his chest, "you are seriously no help."

you continue to train very hard for the rest of the week, your muscle will likely permanently ache in pain.

you and aaron hadn't gotten much better, you really did try to reach out so many times, but if he wasn't going to cooperate, why waste energy.

he made a habit of intentionally putting his focus on things around the base and working late, so he wouldn't see you until you were already asleep.

if things ended badly between you two, i'd be because of his own stupidity, not for your lack of trying nor the judgment of his character.

other than that, all was well. until kenjii decided to casually drop a bomb that adam and james were coming to the base. juliette started freaking out, and you weren't sure where you and adam stood, but you were excited to see james again.

adam arrived, and tensions between the ex-couple were high. they both were cordial but weren't sure how to act around one another. adam went up and apologized to you for his treatment, and you accepted it because he was once your friend, and you hated grudges. james excitedly greeted you, and you gave him a small tour.

then aaron showed up, ignoring adam, but he and james went back in forth in exchanges. it was very entertaining to watch, and aaron pointed out your enjoyment.

"why do you call her amor?"

"it means love in spanish."

"so, do you love her?"

"why, do you?"

"n-no! she's really pretty- i mean, i like her...no, ugh, she's like a million years older than me!"

"hey! i'm not prehistoric!"

you cut the exchange short, grabbing james on the shoulders and dragging him away, "how about we go back t kenji while i explain to you age numbers..."

you and juliette got upgrades in suits. yours similar to your former, but with minor changes. your color was now a darker red with accents of black, your coat was now high to low with slides for the sides of your legs to show, new knee-high combat coots, and new long fingerless gloves. yours and juliette's new material was made to accommodate your powers.

for training, you watched juliette and kenji go back in forth in combat - kenji mostly won due to technique, but juliette overpowered him a few times.

aaron came up to you, and insisted the two of you train in combat together. you rejected his offer; combat was not your forte, you were repeatedly told by kenji many times. so you just stuck to using your powers. but aaron wouldn't back off.

"it's important to learn combat, amor."

"if i run into a bad guy i'll just fling him away."

"and when you can't use your powers, what happens?"

you were going to argue that wouldn't happen, but knew it wouldn't suffice for him, so you just gave in, so he would shut up.

it was no shocker that he easily blocked your punches and stopped any attack. he even had the audacity to be amused at how badly you were doing.

"wow, you are quite terrible."

"okay, i get it i suck. can i go back to my training?"

"c'mon, amor, don't give up so easily. punch me."

as much as you were annoyed, you didn't want to physically hurt him. aaron laughed when you told him that. that itself, ticked you off. and it did not help that now you had an audience invested in the interaction.

you still didn't relent, aaron was a bit disappointed, but he focused on fixing your form.

you don't know if it was the fact aaron laughed, his constant comments, or all your pent-up frustration, but something came over you. while aaron was distracted with giving walking you through hitting an opponent, you hit him - hard. you might've used some of your powers to make the hit stronger, but he didn't need to know that.

aaron staggered back, shockingly caught off guard. you honestly expected him to block it like your other ones; but no you managed to land a hit on his cheekbone area, hitting some of the side of his nose. your poor form made for your knuckles to hurt badly.

everyone stopped what they were doing; even you froze. kenji in the back, trying not to laugh. aaron then recovered, his land touching the side of his face. his face didn't show anger, pain, nor surprise - he was smiling in admiration.

"oh my god, i'm so sorry!"

"no, don't apologize, amor. i'm very content being the first to experience your strength firsthand."

you and aaron ended up cutting practice short and went to the infirmary. you helped treat the large bruise on his face you'd given him as a small apology, and he wrapped your sprained knuckles and partly chasted you for incorrect hand form. was he looking to get punched again?

the following day, aaron woke you up earlier than your normal routine. he mentioned an opportunity for you and juliette to finally get practice outside of the base, and you quickly agreed. you asked why so suddenly, and then he disclosed he was going to visit his mother. it was her birthday, he explained. he didn't say much after that and went over that kenji will keep you and juliette invisible after he leaves.

but you couldn't help your curiosity and asked a little about his mother. hearing the story of his ring broke your heart. the only gifts you got were when you and juliette exchanged homemade gifts for your shared birthday, but the story made you appreciate that tradition much more.

"i think it's good you still visit her."

"is it?"

"it is. knowing you have someone there is sometimes enough. whenever i remembered i had my sister with me, it made the asylum not completely terrible. and around you, i feel like i achieve anything."

juliette, kenji, and you, invisible, met with warner at his tank. you didn't even need to tell him of your presence before he helped you into the tank and got on the driver side to start it.

"how'd you..." you ask, confused.

"i can sense your presences. especially yours."

"woah, freaky. what's mine feel like? peanut better?" he got ignored.

you settled on the opposite window side, juliette next to you, and kenji next to aaron. kenji started shuffling around, uncomfortable.

"dude, y/n, switch seats with me."

"what why?"

"your boyfriend is touching my leg."

"you flatter yourself." aaron interjects.

"c'mon hurry up! i think he's about to knife me..."

"just switch with juliette. it's easier."

"no way, if i'm gonna move, i might as well get the window seat."

you roll your eyes (not that he can see), and the two of you begin a messy movement of bodies to switch seats. poor juliette, stuck in the middle, getting hit by an occasional limb.

"ow, you just hit me in the face-" juliette complains.

"sorry, i'm trying my best-"

"now you just hit me!" you exclaim.

"oh my god, let me just-"

"kenji!"

kenji was the first to get to his new seat, you were situated over both him and juliette. kenji, tired of your leg in his face, shoved you with brief warning. and in an attempt to stable yourself you put your hands out on aaron's lap, but one hand missed. and landed on his groin. aaron visibly flinched and put his lips together in a straight line to contain his painful expression.

you gasped and hastily moved your hands in a panic, then to make matters worse - you fell face first in his lap. you were so happy to be invisible at the moment.

aaron takes a sharp intake of air, and his knuckles turn white from how tight he grips the wheel. you scramble you sit correctly, accidentally putting a hand on his groin again before finally in the seat. the silence was deafening.

aaron promptly dropped you both off at an empty site and bid you goodbye. you gave him some last words for comfort that you noticed he appreciated. then he went off.

sometime later, it was time for the four of you to meet up again. the practice had been somewhat successful. there were many miscalculations with practicing and being invisible. the three of you kept stumbling into each other, having the wrong place meant, and arguing over who was right. but ignoring that, you did get some practice in there.

aaron, however, was unusually late. it worried you. kenji and juliette didn't think much of it. but since you knew his location, you sensed there was something wrong. you asked both of them to check on him to ensure he was already, and you three walked to the house. you avoided mentioning aaron's mother.

you asked juliette and kenji to wait outside as you went inside.knji begrudgingly agreed, ensuring he could keep the invisibility up inside, too. juliette bid you to be careful and return as soon as possible.

you saw a few different pictures of aaron with his mother as a child. you looked through different rooms until you found him. he was sitting on the floor with his knees to his chest, his frame trembling. his mother died; you put together. you quickly knelt down and gave him a hug that he accepted. you let him hold you tightly as he sobs sorrowfully. it was painful to witness, so you let him cry onto your shoulder for however long he needed.

an hour later you returned, kenji and juliette already in the tank, no invisibility. you didn't need for them to say anything to know they had questions, so you avoided their gaze. next to you, aaron held your hand the whole way back

his mother's death reminded you of his family, the unknown fact to him that he shares blood with adam and james. you wanted him to know, but truly, you didn't want any part of that mess. knowing was already knawing at you as it was. juliette disagreed; she thought adam needed to tell aaron.

you thought leaving aaron alone was the best decision. you even planned to spend the night where everyone else was. but as you were packing a bag, he stopped you. aaron grabs your arm and turns you to look at him.

"you're right. i am holding back. i was telling you how much you were in denial, but it was me who was holding back. you've always seen me in a light like no one has. i've never thought of myself as even a decent man until you came around. and it scares me. so much. i'm afraid of disappointing you, and you'll be disgusted with me, see the monster i see every day in the mirror. but if giving more of myself is all it takes to be yours, then it's done. you can learn every crevice of my soul if it means you'll stay with me."

you knew it then, "i love you." you are in love.

he grabs your face and kisses you in less than a second. the kiss being so loving and careful, he takes his time memorizing your lips. he lifts you in the air prompting you to wrap your legs around his waist. from there, the kiss molds into passion and need. before you know it, you're both lying on the bed with him hovering over you.

aaron groans into your mouth, "say it again."

you softly giggle, "i love you."

"god, you have no idea what you just unleashed, amor."

your stomach is doing a million glips. your entire body is in frenzy. you're ready to have a heart attack there and then. it was only just the beginning as well.

"lift your hips for me, amor."

"c'mon, angel, don't get shy on me now."

"i'm afraid you're never getting rid of me now mi amor."

very long night.

you slept through most of the morning, only woken up by aaron laying kissing down your neck. then he started going lower down your body. any sleep you had was now gone.

"aaron.. what are you doing."

"nothing."

"liar."

"shhh.. you just lay there, i'm just going to enjoy my breakfast."

the man was insaitable; you were sure you weren't ever gonna get out of bed that day. but eventually, you did. had to dedicate half an hour to walking properly again.

you went to you rfinal fitting for suits, and the new look was incredible. juliette traded the purple for a new black suit - kenji not liking his color stolen.

"why am i the only one in color now?"

"so, you can get spotted and shot at first while the rest of us get away." kenji answers.

"you're the worst."

aaron walked up behind you and whispered in your ear, "how quickly can you take this off?"

you smack his chest and give a playful disapproving look.

"i mean, it definitely can stay on, too."

"aaron!"

the bliss of everything helped ease your nerves for the following day. you were sat in aaron's room going over the plan for the millionth time. aaron kept reassuring you you'd be perfect and worrying will do nothing but install fear.

"it's just... what if it backfires. what if no one listens or surrenders?"

"it wont and they will."

"you're right. i'll just tell them my scary boyfriend will come after them."

"for you? always." he kisses your cheek, "i like the sound of you saying boyfriend, but scary?"

"well, everyone besides me is pretty scared of you."

"and what about you, what do you think of me?"

"i think you're cute."

"cute? yeah, let me show you just how cute, i can be."

aaron can never take his off of you for too long.

the next day, you, juliette, and the others stood in front of sector 45. both the people and the soldiers gathered there, all of their eyes fixed on your group. it was like the world's largest show and tell.

aaron started it off with a speech, informing everyone of the truth and the fact you and juliette were alive and well. then your sister took over, and directly told the crowd the plan to destroy the reestablishment, you gave a few words of your own, but juliette did most of the talking much to your relief.

then the questions from the crowd starting, so it was time for the group to showcase their powers. finally it was down to juliette and you.

juliette climbed to a building s good hundred feet from the ground, then jumped off and landed - making the ground tremble and shatter beneath her.

"how the hell do i top that?" you whisper to yourself.

with a comforting look from aaron, and a deep breath, you stepped into the front. you looked for a fairly easy but impressive thing to lift and spotted a very tall tower. bingo.

using your ability, you began carefully levitating it above the ground. you closed your hand into a fist, and the tower began breaking into bits. people began to panic as the rubble started coming toward them, but suddenly, you transformed the pieces into butterflies flying around the people. everyone looking around in amazement.

you took the biggest deep breath once you were done. very happy your practice paid off, and you didn't accidentally end up killing a crowd.

the crowd cheered and roared. the presentation proved to be successful because they got on board with destroying the reestablishment. the soldiers surrendered and joined the rebellion.

back in the training room, everyone was overjoyed with the success of overtaking sector 45, but now came the hardest part. winning a war.

juliette ran straight to you, attacking you in a very strong hug. so strong you had to tell her to chill on the power a bit. she apologized and released you. the recent events were still reeling in your mind, not fully comprehended.

"oh my god, juliette what did we just do?"

"we just started a war my dearest sister."

and now you had to wait to face anderson in likely a day or two. he almost killed you last time. but you wouldn't let him get lucky again.

the group, minus aaron, sat in the training room discussing what was next. one talk to another led to the topic of anderson.

"i've never even met the guy. wonder what he's like?"

"he's handsome. it's actually insane how evil, but striking he is." you blurt out.

juliette agrees, but the group looks at you weirdly.

"dude, you just called your boyfriend's dad attractive."

"what? i don't mean it in a weird way."

"hey, at least you've got a backup option if the first anderson doesn't work out. "

you throw a pillow at kenji's head.

then the topic of anderson's name came about, and that's when the trouble began. adam answered his name was paris; but suddenly, aaron arrived in the room, overhearing the conversation.

aaron put him against the wall, interrogated him on how he knew, and adam not saying anything. you couldn't take it anymore, so you yelled out the truth.

"he's your bother!"

aaron didn't believe it. juliette kept pressuring adam until he finally confessed. everyone gave the two of them space to work things out as everyone else busied themselves. when all was on steady terms, aaron sat with you.

"you should've told me."

"i know, i'm sorry. but it really wasn't my secret to tell."

"i had a right to know."

"c'mon, if you had some sort of family secret of mine, would you tell me right away?"

he hesitates, "you're right. you didn't want to get involved, i understand that."

you tell yourself it didn't matter, but you couldn't help but ask, did he deliberately avoid answering. you brush it off, probably nothing.

you returned to aaron's room, you both talked about the brother situation more, and aaron mentioned spending more time with both kent's. you were happy to see he was content to learn about his new family and want to see them more.

"this is great. i'm happy when you're happy. it's deserve more close people in your life."

"but i have you, and that's enough."

"very sweet, but family relationships are different. i was fortunate to have a sister in my life. what if my mother hadn't had the both of us, juliette not being my sister? seems unimaginable.."

aaron goes rigid, being in his lap, you notice immediately, "you alright?"

he relaxes and nods, "this whole situation has me a bit disorientated. enough brother talk. let me remind you why our relationship has much better advantages than other ones.."

a full night of sleep was just a foreign concept at this point.

it took one day for anderson to come to the sector. you all had luckily kind of prepared for it, so there was a plan set that you all were to follow. kenji, juliette, and you were responsible for going to the ship to deal with anderson while the rest took care of the matter on land.

before separating, you said your farewell and good luck to aaron. you tried to cry when saying goodbye to james and promising all would be fine. lastly, you gave aaron a kiss, and you promised each other to be safe.

"i have no doubts that you will succeed. my father can't even fathom the power you possess."

as you three board the port, you notice the massive groups of soldiers. juliette has the idea of you pushing them into the water with your powers, which you do.

you each take turns getting onto the ship, 5-second gap each. however, once you get inside, you can't find neither juliette or kenji. still invisible, you take your chances going through different doors, trying not alert soldiers.

but it fails because bullets began shooting in your direction. you run as fast as you can; unlike juliette, you are not invincible neither was your suit, at least not entirely.

with your invisibility gone, you get cornered with at least 7 soldiers, armed. your instincts kick in, and you start throwing men and attacking them with your energy. one soldier begins shooting at you when you're caught off guard. you hold your hand out as a protection and close your eyes, but you see the bullet is stopped - by your shield. you hadn't even made an effort to create it yet, and it presented itself like it was an automatic presence.

after witnessing that, the guard abandoned the ship and ran off. you couldn't blame him; you doubt he got paid enough to deal with all this.

you attention is shifted when you heard loud crashes and screams. you recognize them as your friend and your sister. you rush toward the room where the sound was originating.

you see kenji on the ground in pain and juliette not too far off; she's crouched down, clutching her head, and struggling to stand. you spot anderson, with another man, who you recognize is causing juliette's pain with his sonic wave gift.

you focus your energy on the boy, focusing on hurting him. then he stops his pressure waves and starts howling in pain, crouching down like juliette had. you were in a trance, channeling all your energy into hurting the guy, then - you snapped his neck.

you ran to juliette first, helping her get up, then you checked on kenji who was in worse shape.

anderson drew his gun, and started shooting bullets at you both, but it simply just bounced off. you and juliette drew your own weapons; you looked at each other and knew what had to happen next.

you focus your energy on anderson, his legs then collapse under him. he starts scrambling on the ground. juliette steps on his hands - shattering his borns with her power.

"remember that lesson on justice getting served?"

you shoot him in the chest, and juliette aims for his head.

4 shots - one for adam, one for aaron, one for juliette, and one for you.

it was a blur after that. sara and sonya were found and attended to kenji who was luckily not in any fatal condition, he would be okay.

it felt like you were experiencing someone out-of-body, unreal. juliette went up to the speaker system, capable of speaking to the entirety of the sector. she announced the end of the reestablishment and its new leader.

he was dead. it was over.

still bloodied and bruised, you stood on the tallest tower of the compound. you hadn't talked to anyone; everyone too busy rejoicing. but you were still digesting everything that had just happened.

you look over the new land and wonder what could be in store next.

you're not surprised when juliette and aaron find you, they know you too well at this point. they don't say anything and each take a side next to you. aaron puts a hand around your waist and tugs you toward him.

"the entire rest of the world is coming after us now, you know."

"i'd love to see them try." juliette says confidently.

"i believe as long as our bonds remain strong, we can overcome anything." though. that wasn't how you really felt.

you didn't want to damper a glorious day. but you couldn't help the pit forming inside of your stomach, telling you this was only the beginning of a treacherous path.

but nothing come could destroy the bonds you forged, right?

@whatsupb18 @letspretendimnottrash @heart-an0n @mrsspector-grant @kikilarast10 @nina357 @lupinswolfsbanes (tysm for the support)

#aaron warner x reader #aaron warner imagine #aaron warner #aaron warner anderson #aaron warner fanfic #shatter me #shatter me fanfic #shatter me series #juliette ferrars #kenji kishimoto #adam kent #x female reader #x y/n #x reader #reader insert #reader imagine #headcannons

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

what would the mercs' favourite shows/anime be? You might have done the 'shows' part before so im giving you the 'anime' option as a fresh twist ^w^ (No im not battling a double-hyperfixation of tf2 and jjba and seeking validation through mutuals why would you even think that-)

What Are The TF2 Mercs Favortie Animes?

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Oh boy it's been a hot minute since I've watched an Anime, I used to be so feral for any anime 😭

Mutual appreciation comment!!! Thank you for your asks! I love seeing them pop up, you always have really good prompts 🫶🏻

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POSSIBLE SPOILER FOR DEATH NOTE?

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Demo- Kakegurui

Did I ever mention that this man loves to gamble? Also, you cannot convince me that this man isn't super expressive when he does so. Literally is the anime. Loves how batshit insane it is. Loves getting whiplash from one episode to the next. Wasn't a fan of season two, but adores season one. Bindges, and re-bindges the show at least once a month. Just loves feeling insane when he watches an anime.

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Engie- One Punch Man.

Saw Genos and immediately went "I could build that." And doesn't elaborate. He's not gonna lie, he may or may not have tried to follow Saitama's training routine once, but threw up when he got to the running part. Don't get me wrong this man isn't weak or anything but I genuinely don't think anyone on this team can run besides Scout. Loves watching OPM because he loves how unbothered Saitama is and wishes he could be like that, and also wishes he could be as strong.

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Heavy- Your Lie In April

Loves the mix of a slice of life and melodrama. Doesn't care too much about how slow the show is. Just enjoys watching everything play out and being along for the ride. This man sobbed at the end. Couldn't believe it, well he could but he also couldn't? Even though it breaks him everytime he sees the ending, he still loves rewatching it.

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Medic- Japanese Tales of The Macabre/Parasyte

HE. LOVES. JUNJI. ITO. It'd be so wrong not to think so. He has genuinely wondered about the logistics of Layers Of Terror... be afraid of this man if he gets a curious look in his eye over any episode of this anime. He likes the books more but also loves the anime. I added Parasyte too because this man is a sucker for all types of body horror and I think Parasyte should always be mentioned. Just lord help us after this man's mind starts working when watching his favorite body horror animes. You'll here a mix of screams from the poor characters and Yippees! From Medic as he watches the horror.

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Scout- Death Note

I think this is everyone's starter anime, but it just happens to also be Scout's favorite. I can't tell if he'd think Light is a genius or insanely stupid. But that's not super important. Loves Ryuk! He'd want a death note just to have Ryuk hanging around the base. This man would be a menace if he had the death note honestly. He'd probably write his name down first just to label it, forgetting he'd die.

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Sniper- The Disastrous Life of Saiki K

Man has never related to a fictional character so hard until now. Also wishes he could be perfectly average in the public eye and also has inhuman natural talents. It's not even funny how much I can imagine Sniper in this anime. He watched every season and loved them all (likes season one best though) and regularly rewatches the show when things get to stressful around him. It's his comfort show.

(Not that anyone asked but, I fucking love this anime, it's not even funny how much I love this anime I'm going feral.)

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Spy- Black Butler

Can a fictional character have a kin? Well in my mind yes. Spy kins Sebastian so fucking hard. Picked up the trait of taking his gloves off like that. Definitely share the same annoyances, living with incompetent coworkers, an annoying child, a criminally insane friend or two, you know the normal stuff! Was severely disappointed by season two. Loved everything else though.

————————————————————

Soldier- Attack On Titan

I think he likes AOT because of all the Gore, blood, and fighting. I can imagine him kicking his legs and smiling all goofy while watching this. This man bindged the entire show, no doubt. Like the other mercs were genuinely worried about him. He's a mix of devastated and happy that the show hasn't ended permanently.

————————————————————

Pyro- JoJo's Bizarre Adventure.

The insane person loves insane anime, who would have guessed? No, but genuinely, you'd think they'd have a short attention span, wouldn't be able to understand what's going on, and lose interest. Nope! Absolutely love this anime. Has probably rewatched it a million times already. Has made Engie watch this with him and utterly confused the poor Texan. Feverishly waiting for part nine.

————————————————————

I hope you like this! I had to pull out my list of animes I've watched, and oh boy it made me realize how weird. Maybe? That my taste in anime is.

Also sorry its not super long or super indepth I was going off some very vague memories for a few of these!

I love you guys!

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 headcanons #team fortress headcanons #tf2 hcs #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer #tf2 heavy #tf2 medic #tf2 scout #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #tf2 soldier #tf2 pyro

[moonshynecybin]

other than rosquez and bezz and cele who comples u the most from the current (or past) grid?

okay so i am truly a baby motogp fan so im still feeling it out but!!

im interested in the pedrenzo lore but dont know enough about it! i just enjoy when men hate each other comma weirdly. so someone evangelize me about it

but the bulk of my braincrazy this weeks has been regarding casey stoner. he compels me sooo much i love a hater. more detailed under the cut but i get personal~ so read at your own risk i guess

actually so. hmm. VULNERABILITY ALERT: the thing is. i do somewhat. relate to casey in lots of ways. like looking at a person like marc marquez its easy to call him crazy (and even easy to call less reckless riders crazy) because its a very dangerous sport with lots of injuries but i do kind of get it. because i know a LOT of people like marc and the other riders. like my entire family is like that lol. family motto is "but did you die?" and like sometimes its close!! adrenaline junkies allllll of them

basically! i was heavily involved in a very niche extreme sport (whitewater kayaking) from a young age bc my parents (and brother) were/are very very good kayakers. some of the best in the world for a bit there. like for context: i know multiple olympians and did a few clinics with people who are now olympians when i was a kid/young teen before i quit. and my dad really wanted me to be an elite kayaker bc i was a little better than my brother. not as intense as some dad/coaches but its like. hard to articulate how integral to the fabric of our family this sport is. and how many people i know who have drowned/been permanently injured from it and how everyone i know loves the sport despite that, in ways that are really hard to understand from outside of it. like yes they are crazy (and marc is crazy) but if any one of us was away from a river for more than a month at a time we WILL go insane including myself.... theres photos of me being conerningly young in the cockpit of a kayak that i look at now and im like. who let me do that lol.

so its interesting for me to get into motogp with all these kids staring way too young and knowing each other and coming up in the sport and sacrificing their safety at the alter of a death sport they love so, so much because. hey i lived that! people i love still live that! im involved in the industry still! i cant let whitewater go, even if i do a less dangerous version of it now!

but i quit! because i was battling anxiety. which is an already alienating experience but ESPECIALLY when your entire life is dominated by a sport that is exclusively for people with maladaptive adrenaline responses lol. and when i was reading stuff that casey said about his retirement and how he would lie in his motorhome wanting to die before a race and then just. tell himself to suck it up bc he couldnt let people around him down.... well. same! i would literally cry before every kayak clinic or river trip for years until i had enough and fucking quit! and then i grew up, got an anxiety medication prescription, and started doing forms of the sport that didnt rely on me being strapped in to a vehicle under water and freaking out all the time and im generally in a much better place with it. but its kind of an impossible thing to explain to my peers who kayaked as kids who have the OPPOSITE of an anxiety disorder, who are also the only people who have that specific experience as being a kid raised in the sport bc the sport is sooo small. and i imagine casey deals with something similar.

so this has been DISGUSTINGLY vulnerable but its casey. he gets me i get him. we are holding hands

#literally asked my brother for a marc hat for xmas and he said he wouldnt get me anything red bull bc people would think i was sponsored lol #anyways root for evy liebfarth at the 2024 olympics she is going to slay at the kayaking slalom events i know it #asks #callie speaks

[caluski]

Depression stuff under the readmore nothing interesting as usual

I miss the time when I wouldn't feel suicidal every single day, it truly sounds so heavenly when I look back at it, I can't even remember whether I was medicated back then or no, I think it might have been the anti-anxiety meds which weren't even that strong antidepressants and yet they still worked at least for soothing my suicidal thoughts, other than my anxiety and a bit of ocd of course.... My doctor once said, don't apologize for when your medication doesn't work!, and yet I still felt guilty and left and it feels like an eternity has passed since. My brain doesn't work the way it used to, I know that... I hate that I have damaged my life irreversibly. And if I fail to kill myself again i know i will look back at the past and shake my head regretfully and think, why did I do this to myself. I feel guilty for being the one who's ruining my own life, but also I can tell that I am not meant to live a long life.. So what's the point? And even if I will live long, I know I will live an empty life devoid of meaning and love, I can tell, I really really mean it, it's weird to describe but I am absolutely sure that this is what I'm facing... And I know people won't believe me if I say it, but it's really true: the unfortunate truth is that even if I do get out to grasp onto others desperately, best option is, I will go back to being that shadow of a person in others lives, I will never be anyone's "most important", i will go back to being the one that's accepted more or less but somehow is on a very thin ice...

Are others being fought for? Is it an actual experience people do have? Is it okay to want to be loved by someone enough that they will try to get to you? I feel like at this point, every single thing that I want is the most impossible thing in the world. Everything feels so beyond my reach that I might as well die now, without experiencing anything.. It feels so hopeless, it drives me insane every day, every waking hour, I look at my 2 year old nephew and the only thought I have is "you won't remember me-- I will die before you get older. I will die and you won't have photos of me to look back on".

I keep having the urges to delete this blog. It doesn't mean much, it's just a blog, in the end I don't keep any significant archives in here... Every time I log out, my finger keeps hovering over "delete blog" button for a little while. It's meaningless and I know it - if I delete it, I will be forgotten soon enough, perhaps many people won't even notice I'm gone anyway - and im sorry I'm talking about it, because I really don't want to sound like I'm begging for more attention, or something.... "give me more followers and reblogs, so I don't delete", or whatever... Just the feeling of meaninglessness overwhelming me. What am I doing here, really - I'm not an artist, I'm not a funny blogger, I'm someone people look at and think, my god, he's so old and yet so childishly miserable. Sorry about that. I know its nothing but tiring to watch me getting worse and worse; I shouldn't be crying about it so publicly in the first place... I wish I could die instead, silent and dignified, unaware of whether anyone shows up to my funeral or no. Why do I keep worrying about it? Every single time I cut myself, I wonder, how humiliating will it be when my family realizes there is no one to come to say their farewells to me? Won't it feel the worst in the world? But I wouldn't be around for that anymore. So why do I think about it?

I don't know what else can I say. Goodnight

#pogaduchy

[mickmundy]

sniper's loft bed headcanons pls 👁️👁️

omg.,., ehehe.,., i’m soo glad you asked this is something i am Not at All Insane About.,., ehee.,., and i actually think its probably for the best that i elaborate on this here since there really isn’t a graceful way to fit posts like this within a fic SKDFKSD so!! let’s get to it! starting off by saying i’ve been in and out of motorhomes, trucks with camper shells, vans, etc my entire life (though i would be doing it a lot more in my adult life if i could find ways to not have Every Bug On Earth eat me alive ;_; gwah!) so i guess i’m just a little biased for what i see In My Mind. i have yet to sketch out/floorplan out sniper’s van layout itself In My Mind but let’s just keep it vague enough to say it’s nothing flashy, but it’s cozy and Aged and… lived in! i’ve talked about it before in one of my Many headcanon posts but i think he was always taught that he doesn’t need material things and while i wouldn’t say he’s a hoarder by any means, i think he tries to convince himself everything in his home has a Practical Application just so he can justify hanging onto it! i think sniper is v sentimental and the stuff he chooses to keep might be a little “unconventional” by average standards (ie he doesn’t have lots of photos of his family, but kept his mum’s handmade quilts and his dad’s old knife and hunting rifle. also presses flowers and would keep the eggshell of when he and medic first ate breakfast in bed together, etc) but i could ALSO make a whole other post about just little knicknacks i think you’d find in sniper’s home at any given time HEHE… but i’m doing my best to stay on track so!!

i’m going to preface this with IM SORRY for the “pinterest looking ass” photos to describe what i’m talking about but just use this as a Basic Jumping Off Point. Not as the Literal Visual. work with me here… so i think sniper’s bed has LOTS of pillows and blankets. if you’ve ever slept in one of those loft bed camper van beds you’d know that those walls are cold and hard and don’t really hold heat in all that well! i think the blankets are a combination of furs he has (though he rolls up and stores them when its hot out), sherpa/wool, knit blankets and quilts, etc. all of different sizes and weights. whatever makes him comfortable! pillows are extremely worn in (as are the blankets; you could find lots of mends on them!) and comfortable just the way sniper likes them. i think he has so many layers because he sleeps naked and likes to be able to adjust what parts of his body are covered and what parts aren’t. he’s the king of sticking one of those loooong legs out of the covers, or having only his tummy covered and the rest of him exposed, etc! he likes being able to change things quickly to suit his needs. this is also great for draping something over his shoulders when he’s laying out on top of his van at night watching the stars or sitting in a lawn chair feeding hoots!

the space is small, so i think he’d also have a “nightstand” which really is just a “coffeetable book” (ie a big-ish hard cover book) of some subject he’s interested in that he’d keep pressed against the “long wall” of the camper that has just a battery-powered plastic lantern (for reading before bed ehe) on it, a worn-out old book of poetry or some kind of book he’s read a thousand times that he likes skimming before bed (this is not to be confused with the Utility Books he reads at others times about survivalism, gun cleaning, etc. this is a Wind Down Specific book), and aheh, when he starts really falling for medic, something else too… but i’ll discuss that later in my fics! ;-) if i’m being really self-indulgent i think he also has a stuffed animal from his childhood that he’s still hung onto all these years, but he keeps him stored away safely in a pillowcase because he doesn’t want it getting lost or damaged! :’( also he’s just a huge cuddlebug imo, so he likes having things he can Grab or fling his leg or arm over in his sleep (pillows, bunched up blankets, etc)! the space is small but he makes it very homey! HEHEHE

#WHEW #SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER i was trying to find pictures that kind of described the Vibe i was going for and with no such luck -_- #this is as close as i could get and even then its not…. Exactly how i mean. grrr #asks #dutchiehcs #maximum-ride #TY FOR ASKING THOGUH EHEHEHEE I HAVE so many like. hyper-specific headcanons and i’m like errmmmm would anyone care what my thoguhts are #on this weird niche subject as a part of a study of this character?? KSDFKSDKF #dutchfoolery #if you can think of a Weird Niche concept to have a headcanon of chances are i have a headcanon of it LOL #and you DEFINITELY. DEFINITELY should NOT think about sniper and medic making love in his loft bed surrounded by/under lots of #cuddly blankets and a dim night light. you totally like. should not do that i think #or maybe you can crawl inside my mind and Do imagine it. maybe you are In my mind right now becuase yo’ure imagining it #:-)

[snakewaterupdate]

pog tf2 fankids bc im cringe (/pos)

the kids exist because of surrogacy, transgenderism, and adoption. my world i make the rules

sniper/scout

believe it or not, most people assumed that sniper and scout would have a million billion kids. they were wrong. they have the least amount of kids of the mercs and boy are they glad they stuck with two

delilah mundy - eldest and most responsible out of the two. this is not saying much. delilah takes after sniper and also inherited that emo streak. a bit of a loner, loves going hunting with her dad, and she uses a crossbow because she's a badass, fuck you. hates capitalism, wears a shirt that says "welcome to bloody australia" at all times (bought when the family went to australia), and will kick you because her fursona is a kangaroo

beau mundy - the most hyperactive bastard you ever did see. somehow has more energy than scout, and that's saying a lot. loves baseball and track and field, but that's a given because he wants to be exactly like his dad. he wears a shirt that he bought when his family went to australia that says "CU in the NT (northern territory)" under his varsity jacket and is so proud of it

heavy/medic

nobody really expected heavy and medic to be people who wanted a family, but nobody was surprised when their kids were introduced. yes they're older but because of reasons called fuck you they live longer :)

bianca humboldt - giving medic a daughter is like um. like father like daughter? bianca is either from medic's first marriage or from some weird experiment gone wrong. either way, she looks exactly like medic and takes after him to a t. it's a little uncanny how similar they are. she's anemic and gets frequent nosebleeds and likes scaring the shit out of beau by saying she's possessed

pavel "pasha" humboldt - omg best boy :) pasha is adopted! specifically adopted by heavy himself. on a visit to his sisters he saw this sad little boy and brought him home. medic was told in advance because phones. pasha is a big sweetheart, he's tall and a bit scary and he can solve a rubix cube in the blink of an eye. he likes playing chess w heavy

vanya humboldt - vanya is sort of a mix of both medic and heavy, but he's still in that "who am i" stage of life. he's the baby of the family and is still struggling to figure out his identity and where he falls into the pieces of the family dynamic, and it's hard because he doesn't know where he belongs

engineer/spy/pyro

everyone knew that at least engineer would want a big family, and by god do they have a big family. there are three parents so it's not insanely hard to manage, but with the three different backgrounds it's no wonder the kids are so different

arsène conagher - you know the phrase "daddy's girl"? yeah that applies to arsène. she's spy's favorite and the rest of the family knows it. even if she and spy both deny it. arsène is a ballet dancer, speaks french in the most elegant way possible, and is a big bitch and often uses her seniority over her siblings and her twin brother, walker

walker conagher - walker is my favorite, but don't tell anyone. he's a mechanic and he has an old red corvette that he's never driven in his life but he works on it all the time and keeps it up really well. he invented a crawling sentry and it scared the shit out of spy when it went crawling into the bathroom.

marcel conagher - marcel's a mix of spy and engie, and he is a little bastard anklebiter with an eternal shit-eating grin on his face. if you thought that the most annoying personality in the world would clash with technical prowess, then you're wrong. marcel is just that one teenage hacker dude in all those secret agent movies that doesn't give a shit about anything

imogen conagher - pyro's bab :) honestly nobody knows where imogen came from, they just kinda showed up with pyro one day and nobody noticed there was an extra child until engineer took a headcount and went 'wait.' imogen likes lighting things on fire. like parent like child. they have a million plushies and half of them are pyro's

frederick "fred" conagher - baby of the family named after his grandfather, like vanya he's in that stage of figuring out who he is. he has a tendency to drift from one interest to another and has all sorts of bits and bobs of things he hasn't completed, like crocheting and piano. he has taken to cooking as of late and spy's kind of hoping he sticks with it this time because his cooking is really good

soldier/demoman

honestly people expected soldier and demoman to both be family men, but they didn't really expect them to have as many kids as the conaghers. they're tied in terms of kids, but the conaghers win in terms of the amount of parents.

nessie doe-degroot - my beloved!! the skrungly!!! nessie loves explosives and boxing. those are her two favorite activities. her third favorite activity is swimming with her dads. she's always optimistic and has a lot of energy, but generally knows when the calm down. she was accidentally cursed by merasmus as a baby and now she turns into the loch ness monster every halloween. oopsie

mel doe-degroot - he's named after mel brooks because demoman would love mel brooks and you cannot prove me wrong. mel is very loud and takes after soldier all the way. the two of them have morning screaming matches and everyone hates it. he is always wearing a shark onesie and his bangs cover his eyes

rick doe-degroot - one of the calmer members of the doe-degroot and the only one who doesn't have an inherited fascination with all things explodey. he likes playing guitar and he's a lot quieter than the rest of his family, and he also likes writing. he's an author and his dads are proud of his poems and short stories

lincoln doe-degroot - yes he is named after abraham lincoln. his twin brother is named after george washington. you can guess who named them. he is so unbelievably loud and he loves demolition, and he can usually be seen knocking down mel's jenga towers or stomping on george's sandcastles

george doe-degroot - named after george washington and is just as loud as his twin. "kaboom" is a vocal stim of his. he'll go "kaboooom" and throw his arms up into the air. unlike lincoln, though, he enjoys architecture and building things, usually legos and sandcastles, and cries whenever lincoln destroys his builds

#fankids #long post

[brelione]

Love and Hate (The Best Boys)

dude come on. you said you’d upload the next chapter on christmas and now it’s been a whole week after and it’s still not out. :(, hi! when are you posting the next chapter of tbb??, tbb????, Are you posting the next chapter of best boys soon? I miss her, when will you be posting the next part of the best boys series??, Ok I’m over TBB I’m just gonna say she ends up with Blah Blah and they live happily ever after, the end. Thank you for the amazing read, it has been fun❤️, TBB is literally the last series I have to finish before I can finally peace out of the shithole that is the OBX fandom for good but like no rush or anything baby❤️,When do you think you’ll be posting the last chapters of TBB?, Hey queen how’s the writing for best boys going, 

Series Masterlist

SHES HEREEEE

Yes, im aware this chapter is all over the place. I went through writing four different versions of this chapter and this is the one that I decided to go with. I know that this one is kind of a little ahfioshviowenvionae but it all comes together next chapter (I already started writing the next chapter). Im so sorry that this is so late. I’ve been having issues for a little bit. My grandfather and my dog passed away and I recently had a relapse and I think that’s why it was taking me so long. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter <3

Warnings:Nothing really, swearing and unedited. Also im sorry if you dont like this chapter but like....yeah.

You were awoken to the sounds of screaming.Topper ended up at the foot of the bed, Kelce still clinging onto you.Rafe was absent from his spot but the mattress was still warm and had a slight dent which let you know that he hadnt been gone long.

You had spent most of the night trying to find the perfect spot on the mattress, one arm thrown over kelce and your heel against the back of Toppers thigh.It seemed like it hadnt been a super long time since the sun had risen which meant that it was probably around seven in the morning by now.

Your heart was thumping in your chest, trying to pay attention to what the voices were shouting.Something about a mess and irresponsibility but you couldnt hear much besides that.Rafe stomped up the stairs, opening his door.He was shirtless, face red from yelling and his eyes slightly watery.You sat up, making Kelce grumble.

 Rafe’s jaw was slightly dropped, his nose beginning to run and his body trembling.“Hey, what happened?”You asked, gaining Kelce’s attention.Topper’s eyes opened slightly, looking over at Rafe.The tall boy didnt say anything, he just dragged his feet across the room and sat back on the bed, mumbling.You were hesitant to grip his hand, squeezing lightly.

He just stared at a wrinkle in the blanket but the sound of something breaking downstairs told you that it had been more than just bickering.Kelce was worried, knowing that his parents had gotten home late last night and would see the mess he had created. “He doesnt want me living here anymore.”Rafe spoke up, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

You pulled him closer to you, arms around his shoulders as he sobbed, your fingers rubbing against the back of his neck.He squeezed you tightly when he head footsteps coming up the stairs, silently praying to any god that would listen that it wouldnt be Ward.Kelce’s phone kept buzzing but he ignored it, knowing exactly what it was.

He knew that it was coming and he would be lying if he said that he didnt expect it, nervous the whole night as he waited for his phone to blow up.“What are you gonna do?”Topper asked.As much as you wanted to scold him for asking that when Rafe clearly didnt want to talk about it it was still something that you had also been wondering.

Rafe didnt answer, taking in a deep, shaky breath that hurt his ribs before picking up his head and looking over to his friend. “I dont know.”He admitted.His voice hurt your heart, the realisation kicking in that there wasnt really many places that he could go.

Kelce’s phone buzzed again, all of your eyes falling on him.He sighed, glancing at his screen.He had missed calls from his parents, dozens of text in all caps telling him to come home immediately. “They found the door.”He replied, keeping his voice calm.A new wave of silence washed over the room, not knowing what to say to that.

Your eyes watered as you remembered how simple life was a few weeks ago, all of you eating breakfast, watching criminal minds and laughing as Topper recorded it all on his snapchat.Now everything was completely falling apart.You didnt say anything, trying to think of a solution.Rafe couldnt go to Kelce’s house or Topper’s house since Topper’s mother had one of those security cameras outside of her home and she’d recognize him immediately.

She was still pissy about Topper’s accident, she’d explode if he let friends over. “SO what happens now?”Topper asked.You were all out of ideas.A simple drive or icecream or a movie couldnt solve any of this. “I mean...think about it.We’re adults, right?Child protective services cant stop us if we leave.”Kelce muttered.Rafe nodded, snapping his fingers.

 “Yeah, yeah!You’re right.”He agreed, causing your eyes to widen.They were acting insane. They couldnt be serious about just getting up and leaving forever, right? “No, no hes not.We cant just-we cant just leave!”You exclaimed.They were actually going crazy.How could they even think like that? “Why?What do you have here, (Y/N)?”He asked.You paused, thinking about it.

You didnt really have anything.You had your house of course but other than that you had nothing but memories and your boys.You didnt want to admit that he was right, letting out a quiet sigh. “But leaving forever isnt the answer.”You muttered.Rafe rubbed your back, shaking his head. “Doesnt have to be forever, baby.”He answered. 

“But- but just cause we arent kids doesnt mean we cant be registered as missing people.They’ll come after us.”You told them.You knew that nobody outside of this room actually cared about you enough to report you as missing but you were scrambling through your thoughts, desperately hunting for a reason to stay on the shitty island that you had learned to love so much.Topper shrugged, not really caring. 

“Guys, guys. Okay, look. You’re all fucked, ill admit it. But thats fine! Are you guys forgetting that I still have a house- you guys can just stay there until this whole thing blows over just like you always have!”You reminded them, hoping they’d agree. “This isnt gonna blow over, (Y/N). I cant come back here.”Rafe told you, becoming aggravated. 

“THEN MOVE IN! All of you guys, you can just move in, okay? You dont have to leave- I still have my moms money! We’ll figure it out as we go and…. And it’ll be fine.”You insisted. “Move in with you?”Rafe asked. You nodded, wiping your nose. “You practically live with me already, it wont be that different.”You told him, gripping his hand.

 It was a messy blur as Rafe packed his things, grabbing anything that he thought could be important. A photo of his mother, his birth certificate and diploma, laptop and ipad, the Frozen ll record. Kelce and Topper just watched, neither of them ready for anything like this so early in the morning. 

Maybe if you werent so tired and upset you wouldnt have said it, but here you were in Rafe’s truck, a dufflebag full of his things at your feet with the boys in the backseat as he drove to your house, a few tears rolling down his cheeks as the thoughts finally took over his brain. Kelce had got aggravated and shut down his phone entirely, staring out the window. 

The last thing you were expecting was to come down your road only to see a car that was practically falling apart already in your driveway, a tall man with his hands over his forehead as he tried to look in your windows. “What the fuck….”Rafe muttered, reaching for the door handle when you gripped his hand. “Dont, we dont know what he’s doing.”You told him, hoping he’d listen.

 Turns out he wasnt the one you had to worry about, Kelce swinging his door open and sprinting up your driveway before anyone could even stop him. Wherever Kelce went Topper went, the boy struggling to get the seatbelt over his cast before jumping out of the truck and nearly falling into a puddle. “ESCUSE ME! MR SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING IN MY HOUSE?”Kelce shouted, purposely making his voice deeper.

 The man turned, confused as to why two half asleep teenage boys were walking towards him. “Your house?”The man asked. “Yes, sir. You ever heard of a gay couple before?”Topper asked, making Kelce break character for a moment. 

“Well, no, its not that. Its just that I thought this was someone elses house.”The man muttered, confused. You had slid down your seat, hoping that the man wouldnt see you. “He’s about to leave.”Rafe whispered. 

“Who’s the other guy in the car?”The man asked, pointing to Rafe’s figure. Kelce glanced over at Topper with wide eyes, trying to think. “Our son.”Kelce replied, cringing the moment he said it. The man only looked more confused, looking between the two boys. ��How old are you guys?”The man asked, clearly not buying their story. 

“Excuse me? Are you saying that we’re too old to have a son? I did not spend years training for a medical degreee to have some random old man come and tell us how old our son can be!”Topper exclaimed.  “I didnt spend years trying to find a surrogate and figuring out a way to make a robot nanny for this!”He sighed, trying his best not to smile.

“Could you please leave the property before we call the police?”Kelce asked. The man was beyond confused at this point, quickly making his way to his shitty car before slowly backing out of the driveway, eyes still scanning the area before he gave up and went down the street. 

You let out a sigh of relief, moving to get up when Rafe placed his hand on top of your head to keep you down. “Hes coming around again.”He whispered to you, taking in a shaky breath and holding it in his lungs as the car passed a second time. Topper and Kelce were standing by the door, staring at Rafe almost as telling him to get out and make a run for it.

 “Open the door in 3...2…”You didnt wait, jumping out and running towards the house, typing in the key pad as quick as you could, Topper’s hand pushing you inside. “Here he comes again!”He exclaimed, coming in right behind you along with the others before Rafe slammed the door shut and locked it, letting out a laugh.

 “Oh god, that was scary.”He chuckled. Kelce and Topper nodded as well, eventually laughing. “Was that my dad?”You asked. “Maybe.”Topper answered. Now that you thought about it, your dad didnt same important. Nothing did. You lived on a huge rock that’s floating around space and you’re concerned about your dad when your boyfriends best friends are moving in.

 “What’d you tell him?”You asked. “We told him that we’re a gay couple, Topper’s a doctor and Rafe is our child.”Kelce replied. You giggled, snorting. “I mean, as you should.”You replied. “Hell yeah.”Kelce grinned. Topper tapped at his arm. “Bro, you wanna get married?”Topper asked. Kelce laughed again, nodding.

 “I’ll get baptised and get you guys married!”Rafe volunteered, all of you turning to look at him. “Did you just say baptised?”Kelce asked. Rafe nodded, eyebrows furrowing. “Is that not the right word?”He asked. Topper shook his head. “The word is ordained.”He informed the tall boy. “He’s trying his best.”You replied, sitting down on the chair that you werent used to sitting in. 

“You think he’s gonna come back?”You asked. Topper groaned, sitting down. “Well, I hope not. I dont want my husband and I to have to fight him.”He grinned. You rolled your eyes, changing positions in the chair. “Did he look like me?”You asked, leaning your head against the arm rest, groaning when Rafe pushed your legs aside and sat down with you.

 “Not really… he had rat tails for eyebrows.”Kelce replied, putting his fingers over his eyebrows. “Do I have rat tail eyebrows?”You asked, grinning when Rafe reached forward and poked your eyebrow, a chuckle slipping past his lips. “You wish.”He replied. “Fuck off.”You answered. “Dont be fucking rude.”He grinned, kissing you quickly before pulling away with a small smile. 

You were shocked, trying to hide your surprise. It wasnt like you werent used to kissing Rafe by now, it was just that he had never done it in front of the boys before. They looked nearly as confused as you, the thought of Rafe kissing you in front of them never even being a concern until now. They were used to him getting most of your love and attention but that had just stirred something within them. 

“So how are we gonna do this? I dont know about you guys but im not going back to my house anytime soon.”Kelce announced. Rafe lifted his head, looking over to the boy. “You could always sneak in your own window to grab your things...maybe wait until theyre at work. What about you, Top?”Rafe asked, turning his attention to the blonde boy. 

“What do I have at my house that I need? Like, really need.”He asked, grinning when none of you could answer. “Problem solved.”He replied. “What time is it?”Rafe asked, breaking the silence. “Ten.”Kelce replied, closing his eyes as he leaned against the couch. “Im going upstairs to take a nap then.”Topper yawned, slowly making his way down the hall into the first floor guest room. 

It was arguably the worst since it also worked as your moms office, a queen bed pushed into the corner. You wiggled out of Rafe’s grip, smiling when he whined. You went into the kitchen, grabbing a poptart. For the situation you felt rather calm, opening the silver package and taking a bite of one of the sweet pastries. 

The energy in the house felt different than it had yesterday. You werent sure why, maybe it was just the comfort of knowing that the boys were going to be living with you now and you wouldnt have to worry as much about Rafe or Topper’s relationship with his mom. 

“So how are we gonna handle this?”Kelce asked, confusing you. “The house, I mean. You have this whole house and like...30 million dollars. We can literally redecorate however we want, maybe even clean out your moms office if youre okay with it.”He suggested. 

You nodded, the idea of getting the memory of your mother cleansed from your life sounded appealing. His excitement took over as he opened his amazon prime app, looking for new decor. “How do you feel about your moms room?”He asked, not wanting to push your limits. You shrugged, swallowing part of the pastry. “Shes not using it.”You replied, surprised by how morbid you sounded. 

He simply nodded, shifting in his seat as he added things to his cart. “Can we redo your room? It’s been the same color since we were fourteen.”Rafe suggested. You shrugged, not really caring. You didnt spend a large amount of time in your bedroom anyways. You scrolled through your phone for a few minutes, seeing a little red bubble next to your messaging app that let you know that you had gotten a text. Curious, you opened it. 

As soon as you saw who it was a pit grew in your stomach, eyes widening. It was her. “Sweet words, (Y/N).”The text read. You knew that it was your uncle just trying to mess with you but it still caused your anxiety to skyrocket, deciding to block the number and place your phone between your thighs, taking in a deep breath through your nose. 

Topper dragged his feet, coming out of the room with a frown. “That’s the most uncomfortable bed in all of history.”He muttered, sitting down on the couch instead. “You can go upstairs.’You reminded him, feeling your phone buzz against your inner thigh. 

He just hummed, leaning his head against the back of the couch. “How long was I in there?”He asked. “Literally not even ten minutes.”Kelce replied, still scrolling. “Did I miss anything?”Topper asked. You didnt reply, breaking off another piece of the poptart. “We’re gonna redecorate the house.”Kelce answered. Topper nodded, lifting his head.

 “Does that mean that office too?”Topper asked. You nodded, staring at a spot on your carpet. “Does that mean we get to open the file cabinet in the guest room?”He asked, all of you looking over at him. The thought made you feel nauseous. Even if she wasnt here to yell at you you knew that opening the file cabinet would still scare you anyways. 

“If theres a dead body in there I swear to god-”You muttered, earning a chuckle from Rafe. “A body couldnt fit in there.”he replied, making your eyebrows furrow. “How do you know where bodies can fit?”You asked. “No, no. Like, its not….well...maybe a raccoon body.”He admitted. “Rafe!”You exclaimed, smacking his thigh. 

He rolled his eyes, pulling you into his lap. “There’s no raccoon body.”He answered. “I think theres a raccoon body.”Kelce replied. “Theres not.”You answered. Topper grinned, skipping into the room and beginning to open the cabinet, the three of you following him. “Okay, who votes raccoon body?”He asked, his hand on the knob. 

Kelce raised his hand, grabbing your arm to make you hold your hand up as well. “Ready?”Topper asked before pulling the door open, looking into it. His face fell immediately, not expecting this. “What?”You asked, stepping past Kelce and looking into the cabinet.Guns were being held by small metal pieces, multiple clear bags full of plants and needles on the floor, bullets on sashes hanging with the guns.

 The two of you just stared, ignoring Rafe and Kelce until they came up behind you, equally as confused. “What the fuck?”Rafe asked, seeing the bags. Kelce slammed the doors shut, locking it. “We’re not telling anyone about this, right?”He asked, looking at all of you. “What are we gonna do with all that? We cant just keep it here!”Topper argued. 

Rafe shrugged, resting his elbow on your shoulder. “We smoke the weed and throw the guns in the river, obviously.”Rafe answered. “We’re not smoking weed, Rafe.”You answered. “Well your mom didnt have a liscense to carry, right?”Kelce asked. You shook your head, figuring it would be hung up somewhere in the house to remind you of the power she had.

 “Right, okay. So we cant call the cops and we cant keep it here.”Kelce answered, clicking the lock on the cabinet. “What’d your mom even do for a living?”Topper asked. You frowned, thinking back. You never really knew what your mother did, you just stayed quiet and hoped you wouldnt make her angry. She’d disappear for months, money would appear in your bank account, she’d pay the bills aned thats all you needed to know. 

She’d have long phone calls with people in her office, grounding you if you even dared to listen. “I dont know.”You replied, cringing at how stupid you sounded. “She has these cabinets all over the house, doesnt she?”Kelce asked. “The one in her room is actual files.”You told him, hoping that there were no sorts of hidden things in her room.

 “Should we go check?” Rafe asked, out of the room with a grin before any of you could even answer. You sighed, slightly annoyed that he was treating this like a scavenger hunt. “Its been here this whole time, im sure nothings gonna happen.”Kelce assured you, patting you on the shoulder before his fingers tickled your arm and wrist, gripping your hand and bringing you upstairs. 

“I ordered some tapestries, succulents, fake vines and some new blankets for our new movie room.”He told you, nearly slipping up. “Movie room?”You asked, nearly slipping on the stairs. “Your mom has a big tv, I figured it could be like a second living room if you’re comfortable with that.”He answered, pausing at the top of the stairs so he could wait for you. 

Rafe was in your mother’s room, carefully pulling on the drawers, eventually finding out that the top one was locked. He looked over at you, silently asking if you knew where the key was. You shook your head, letting go of Kelce’s hand and opening the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up. 

Your mother kept most of your medical documents and anything like that to herself along with basically everything that proved you existed. Baby photos, ultra sounds, old school tests. “We could just move it into the other guest room.”Rafe muttered, hoping he wasnt making you upset. You ignored him, looking through all the little colored tags, your eyes falling on a silver tag, your eyebrows furrowing. No other ones had that color. 

You picked it up, sitting down and reading it over. The words were all bundled together, ink scratches and smudges told you that it wasnt a serious document. The only word you could make out was ‘arsonist’. Nothing else was eligible. “Can we take it right now?”You asked, placing the paper on the floor and closing the drawer. Rafe nodded, Kelce grabbing one side while Rafe grabbed the other. Topper grinned, leaning against your mothers unused desk.

 “I would help but my arms broken.”he laughed, watching as Kelce struggled, walking backwards. “Some moral support would be great.”Kelce rolled his eyes. You grinned, slowly clapping. “Great job, guys. You’re doing great moving that illegal file cabinet.”You held back a laugh. They turned carefully, shuffling as they eventually got to the guest bedroom.

 “How do you feel about this?”Topper asked, sitting down on the chair. You sighed, shrugging. “I mean, you know. Its not that I dont love the idea of you guys being here but like… its the circumstances.”You answered, sighing when he pulled you closer with his good arm, rubbing your back. “Thanks a lot for this, though. Like in all seriousness im really grateful that you’re in my life.”He blushed, looking up at you. You smiled, kissing his nose lightly.

 “I mean, I do provide you with half of the drama in your life.”You giggled, kissing him gently. “Where does the other half come from?”He asked. You shrugged, sighing. “Probably you.”You answered. “I cant believe you’d say that to me! You know im at a bad place in life and you put me in this terrible situation when you know that!”He fake cried, bursting into laughter. 

“Kourtney dont laugh at me!”You exclaimed. You felt a vibration under your feet, hearing a loud, dramatic sigh and the sound of skin colliding. They had successfully moved the file cabinet, the door closing as their loud footsteps hit the floor as they entered your mother’s room again. Rafe took a moment to look around, sometimes forgetting that the room even existed. 

It was the biggest room in the house, the ceiling going up at least twenty feet with only glass separating the room from the outside world. His mind wandered, thinking of all the fun nights the two of you could have in here watching the stars or listening to the rain.

 The bed was large and still, the blankets and sheets unwrinkled and untouched. He understood why you were creeped out by the house now, feeling like he didnt belong in the room. You all took turns trying to figure out what the writing said, eventually deciding that it probably wasnt even in english. “Should we put it through google translate?”Rafe asked, staring at the paper. 

Kelce shook his head. “Nah, its not reliable. I tried using it for spanish class in freshman year and I got detention.”He replied. “Well thats definitely not spanish. Maybe its like…. Ancient text.”Topper suggested, causing you to frown. “I highly doubt that my mother would know an ancient text. 

Maybe we should just leave it.”You answered. Although you werent exactly satisfied with it you just didnt feel like spending your time trying to decode a random paper. They didnt seem satisfied either but didnt want to push you, putting the paper down on the desk where it would be safe from your footsteps. 

Of course the boys just couldnt stay at the same place for long periods of time, deciding to suggest that you guys go out to a store to get some paint for the boring walls. You agreed, the four of you getting into your car instead of Rafe’s truck, locking all the doors and windows before you left. 

Kelce didnt suggest a McDonalds run which caused you to frown, knowing that he was probably too stressed to want to eat. You guys went into Walmart with one goal, heading right for the paint section and looking at the wall of colors. “Lets get four colors and kind of just make it up as we go.”Kelce muttered, looking at all the different shades.

 “We could all pick one out.”Topper suggested, reaching forward and picking a bright green. You agreed, picking a shade of light purple, watching as Kelce picked the color toffee biscuits and Rafe went for cotton blue. You doubted any of the colors would actually look good together but that wasnt the point of the project. 

It was more about making the room look fun rather than nice. Kelce grabbed a few large paint brushes, the four of you leaving before you could get distracted by anything that you didnt need. Topper decided to get right to work, spilling some paint on the floor as he dragged the brush along the wall, creating bright stripes.

 “I have an artistic vision! Trust the process!”He exclaimed, feeling your judgemental eyes on him. You didnt say anything, watching Kelce struggle to connect his phone to your speaker, playing the first song on his playlist. 

Line without a hook. Topper looked over at you, almost like he was silently asking you if you had told the boys about his top secret playlist. You shrugged, not wanting to give anything away to the others.

 “Oh my god, I love this song.”Rafe dunked his brush in the light blue, making a smiley face on the wall. “Can I paint an onion?”He asked. You raised your eyebrows, not understanding why he wanted to put an onion on the wall. 

“Ogres are like onions! We have layers!”Kelce laughed. “Who is we? Are you an ogre, Kelce?”Topper asked, not taking his eyes off of the bright stripes, painting a circle on the top. “Topper Harry Katherine Thornton, are you painting a penis on my wall?”You asked, connecting the dots. 

He grinned, ignoring you. “Of course not.”He replied, painting frantically so that you couldnt stop him, green drops rolling down the wall. You picked up your paint brush, painting two circles quicklly before pushing the brush into the center of each, laughing to yourself.

 “Guys, really?”Rafe asked. “Cant we make the wall wholesome?”He asked. You shook your head, a smile on your face. “Says you of all people, Rafe.”You shook your head. “She got you there.”Topper replied, dragging the brush across the painting and blending it out so there was no longer a penis on your wall. 

“What are you doing now?”You asked, wanting to one up him. “What are you doing now?” He mocked you. Somehow you ended up splashing Topper with paint and getting tackled into the mattress as he held the paintbrush over you, trying to get the bright green liquid on your face while you held his arm back. 

“Im gonna murder you!”You laughed, rolling over under him so your face was against the mattress. “Im gonna paint your hair!”He laughed, holding the brush just above it. “Topper, dont mess with her hair.”Kelce took the brush away. 

Topper groaned, falling next to you on the mattress. His eyes were closed, the sun from the window casting a beautiful glow over his face, a small smile tugging at the side of his mouth. You pressed a kiss to his cheekbone, your arm resting on his torso. 

It didnt take long for painting to be forgotten, a few cheap bristles sticking to the wall with messes of colorful lines and unfilled shapes. The song changed, followed by a loud gasp from Rafe. “This is my favorite song!”He smiled, hitting his knees with his fists repeatedly. 

He didnt know what about it made him so happy, whenever he heard it it reminded him of you guys. “You know what we should do?”Topper asked. “No.”Kelce replied while Rafe rewinded the song to listen to his favorite part again. 

“We should make soup. Like, spicy soup with potatoes.”He replied, mouth watering. “We could just order soup.”Kelce replied, not in the mood to go downstairs and hunt for ingredients. “Order soup from where?”Topper asked. Kelce simply shrugged, shifting around and putting his arms under his body.

That had been a week ago. Since then a lot had happened. You guys had developed a system, Kelce could do his laundry on Saturdays, Rafe on Mondays and Topper’s just got mixed in with yours.

 It was a love and hate relationship to have them there with you. You didnt regret your decision but sometimes things would get difficult. Grocery shopping was the worst since nobody could decide what they wanted and you had all agreed not to eat out as much. 

“We need an actual meal, we cant just eat chips for everything.”Topper would grumble, realising he didnt even really know how to cook. That just lead to late flights of searching for recipes o pinterest and watching Gordon Ramsey tiktoks until they decided to try and make bake and shake chicken. That didnt really work out well, having to open all of your windows and get the smoke out of your house. 

Then you guys decided to take a new approach, finding a ton of frozen pizzas and ingredients for sushi. Kelce was the only one who had any idea of what he was doing since he had always been talented in the kitchen, specifically with breakfast. That became more of a safe meal for you guys, making extra food in the morning to eat later for dinner until you got sick of toast, eggs and bacon. 

Kelce ended up banishing you all to the pool so that he could decorate properly, vines hanging from the door ways and landscape tapestries hanging in your living room, hallway and your mother’s old bedroom. “How long do you think he’s gonna be?”You asked, floating on your back in the shallow end, letting out a yelp when Topper grabbed you and dragged you to the deep end. 

“I dont know, probably like three days.”He replied, finally letting go once you were in the middle of the pool. “We could survive three days in the pool.”You replied, watching Rafe shake his head. “With my allergy to the sun?”He asked, making you turn over, going underwater for a moment. “You dont even sunburn.”You told him, splashing water in his direction before swimming away quickly so that he couldnt get back at you.

 Kelce kept getting calls from his parents that were asking him to come home but he never did. They knew where he was, if they wanted him back so badly they’d drive over and take him away. “Guys, i’ve finished my creation.”Kelce announced, coming outside. “So we can come in now?”Topper asked, gripping the ledge of the pool and pulling himself out, falling onto his stomach as he struggled to get up.

 “Yes, you can come in now! Hurry!”Kelce yelled excitedly before going back inside, waiting impatiently for you guys to hurry. Rafe helped you out of the pool, tossing you your towel so that you wouldnt trail water through your house. “Guys! Come on!”Kelce shouted again, the three of you walking across the hot pavement quickly.

 “I’ll clean up the water after- just come see what I did!”He said again. You rolled your eyes, walking into the house. Goosebumps formed on y0our skin from the cool air, eyes widening as you looked at the kitchen. He had bought a plaid tablecloth for the table, vines hanging from the ceiling and doorways, a tie dye tapestry hanging in your living room. It looked like he had taken the time to wipe down every surface and vacuum any mess of broken spaghetti or eggshells that had been kicked under the fridge.

 “Do you like it?”He asked, unable to read your shocked expression. “Kelce, im gonna be honest with you. I feel like im in pixie hollow right now.”You grinned, making him smile. “I think thats a good thing- but upstairs is better!’He exclaimed before making his way up the stairs. He was right. 

There were marble heart shaped tiles hanging on the walls of the hall, a sign on the new hangout spot that was made out of drift wood. He opened the door, revealing bean bag chairs on the floor, a new carpet, a light yellow canopy hanging over the bed that had all new sheets and blankets on it as well. 

He had even somehow managed to fix the paint on the wall so that there were different colored polka dots all over it. The boys seemed equally impressed, still taking it in. You hugged Kelce, not even caring that you’d get his clothes wet. “So I did good?” He asked, hugging you back. “You always do good.”You replied, feeling him hug you tighter.

 “So you’re happy?”He asked, letting out a small sigh when you nodded. “I am happy, Kelce.”you replied, kissing him lightly. He smiled against you, taking in a deep breath. “I found a new recipe for fancy grilled cheese.”He told you, kissing your forehead. This was something that you loved about having them live with you.

@sweetlittlegingy​    @nicolefarley603 @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @newsies-yeet​ @butgilinsky​ @jjjmaybank​ @gracelovesbroadway​  @one-stella @spn-marvel-nerd @lovelyelinor​ @chinamolina602  @sexytholland @28cnn  @popcrone818 @fttayla @cherryobx​ @n1ghtsh4d3-67​ @drewstarkeyobx​ @poguestyleskye​ @judayyyw​ @jjtheangel @jj-iz-bae@sunwardsss @meaganjm  @sarcasticsagittarius1998​ @natalie-kate-98​ @nxsmss​ @broken-jj @joshy-obx @classygirlything  @annmariek8​ @stupidpendeja​ @killjoyybsinner @pink-meringues @outerbongs​  @copper-boom​  @httpstarkey​ @teenwaywardasgardian   @simonsbluee  @deionswannabegirl​ @jiaraendgame  @khiaraaa-in-spacee​  @on-socks-off  @abbiesthings @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless @dmonchld​​@annmariek8 @harryswigss​ @ibookofstars​  @lostaurorax​​ @cheshirecat107​​​

#topper x reader #topper thorton x reader #topper thorton imagine #topper thorton smut #topper thornton fluff #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron smut #rafe cameron headcanon #kelce smith #kelce imagine #kelce x reader #kelce outer banks #the best boys

[ziracona]

hey zira, what are your hot takes on all of the fo4 companions?

Haha, I don’t know how hot they are, but I can give you a speed run! (Also I am very excited to get this. FO4 was the first open world game I ever played and just the concept of that and the hugeness of the world and branching story & sudden feeling changes towards me in companion characters totally blew my mind, & it still lives rent free in my heart).

Ada, Old Longfellow, and Strong I /still/ haven’t maxed despite having too many hundred hours to want to list on this game—the former bc they were DLC, Strong because honest to god I left him at a nice settlement and then completely forgot about him and remembering that I am the energy in this Ryan O’Flanagan video but abt leaving my super mutant in a tiny settlement alone. I will get there! To max affinity I mean. But anyway, I don’t truly know those three, so my takes are incomplete. So far though, I really like Ada. She is a good girl just trying her best. Fucks me up I can tell her to self destruct. Even though I feel sure she would ignore me, I cannot imagine ever saying that to her. It was really sweet she was willing to forgive the Mechanist and move on with her life. A good girl. Longfellow I am maxing rn (was last time I played anyhow). I enjoy him. Gruff grumpy old man but he seems quite decent and I like his idle banter and when he sings to himself a lot. Seems like he’s had it rough. Strong I liked. He’s wild, and I loved how insane meeting him was, and am worried about him eventually understanding poetry and how that might mess up his sense of world understanding. But he’s a chill dude in his own way and I am glad they gave us at least one nice super mutant.

For the companions I actually do know like the back of my hand, the speedrun:

Nick Valentine: Best man on earth. One of two fictional characters I ever called husband. I would die kill or live for him. I want to be 1/4th the man Nick Valentine is. One of the best characters ever period and I adore literally everything about him. It fucked me up early in game where right after he offered to basically risk destroying his mind to help a stranger look for her son, he asked me how I was doing. First character in the entire game to do that. His first companion dialogue is abt how you’re doing TuT. The man is very kind and forgiving and fair, but knows when the draw the line and take no shit. Emotionally mature, kind, caring, longsuffering. Incredibly damaged and broken by life, but holding on and living kindly and to help others anyway. One of the four most marryablen fictional men I’ve ever seen.

Preston Garvey: Brave, kind, sweet man. I would defend him with my life. He really just wants so bad to make the world better and life has been so hard, but he’s still trying. A beautiful and underrated companion and I would throw hands for him on sight. I adore how he whistles. A true and gentle and loyal friend. Take him to Quincy and let him get his justice it’s what he deserves. People who hate him because he tries to get help helping civilians in that game are weak. I love him so much... please give him enough time to reach max affinity he’s so worth it.

Deacon: *To the tune of You Are My Dad* You are my friiiiend! You’re my friend! (Boogie woogie woogie). Initially, he pissed me off bc he lies all the god damn time, but after we got close enough he actually trusted me, he stole my heart and I would also die for Deacon. He’s a really good person who thinks he’s shit because of who he was on his past. Also him 🤝 Preston: massive survivor’s guilt. They should be friends. Poor Deacon has been the last member of the Railroad like four times, and it’s awful. Help him. Give him love and support. He’s one of my all time faves. Also, Railroad hands down best faction and if you kill them for any reason other than like a walkthrough route video and I ever get the chance I would 100% clock you in the face as hard as I can, like going for losing teeth, and feel no guilt. I know it’s a game and that’s wrong, and I’d be wrong, but I’d still do it. Also, Ryan Alosio (his VA) saw me do cosplay for Deacon once and told me it was great and it filled me with even more love. Anyway Deacon is great. Also, his whole “There are other organisations out there. And, in time, I'm sure they're going to spoon-feed you their own patented form of bullshit. Ignore the verbage and look at what they're doing. What they're asking you to do. What sort of world they'd have you build and how they're going to pay for it.” Is one of the like, two most iconic quotes in all of FO4 & just super good in general.

Hancock: Hardcore badass man but also a good dude and a champion for the people. Man really puts his money where his mouth is and you gotta respect that; another favorite companion for sure. Big fan of the way he stabs a guy for you upon meeting, and is a cool leader who organized his crime and does a decent job actually leading. He works hard to help people and bites back hard. Social justice advocate, dangerous man about town, not afraid to cosplay a revolutionary war hero 24/7 & u gotta respect the no fucks given attitude. A chill dude. Like that he fights the institute, hates the Brotherhood, helps the Railroad, and is friends with Nick. He’s legit af. Also, his VA gives a different answer every time someone asks him about the voice he did for hancock and they’re funny af.

Piper Wright: A cool spunky lady. Lois Lane on the case, kicking butt, and taking name. She’s nice but also hardcore and smart, supportive, fun. A good person. You always get points if you like Nick (which most companions do), and they’re good friends. She’s funny and I love her. A good heart.

Codsworth: He’s great. He’s family. He’s like my...weird brother. Getting to max affinity is heartwarming and also makes my heart go :’-] . Great early-game companion bc he kicks ass and doesn’t need stims to heal. I love getting called by my name and think that was a great feature (well, my PC’s name). He’s a wonderful funky little robot dude and I am so glad he likes me.

Dogmeat: Amazing. A good boy. Doggo of the year. His actor deserved the game award she won. Cute, full of love, and plays with a teddy bear if you give him one. 100/10z

Cait: I like her a lot. She’s been through so much shit, and it makes sense she is how she is. I like they actually gave her an emaciated and messy (though still pretty) design, since she is a drug addict. And that they make her main quest about taking that seriously and wanting to get help, and that she’ll call out the player if they fuck around and do drugs in front of her after she gets rehabilitated. Her relationship to the PC if good is really sweet, and I am a fan. I like that while she’s not sympathetic to synths and thinks they aren’t people, she forgets that every time Nick walks into a room and is like “Oh hey Nicky : )”. She’s a good girl who has been through a lot and still needs time to heal and find herself, but she’s making great strides.

Robert Joseph MacCready: Human disaster (loving). Homeboy a goddamn /mess/ but I love him. He tries so hard to be cool. I love he makes you pay him to come with, then chickens out and gives it back lol. A fool ball of anxiety and bad decisions and what he thinks brovado is. I wish he, Preston, and Deacon would quit fighting, bc I am always like “ :’-] </3 Boys Please” when they swap out, but I love them just the same. He’s doing his best, he’s just stupid and a fool. Like Philip J Fry. Keeping his goddamn soldier toy, which somehow is listed as junk instead of sent to Misc with quest items where it would be fine, safe?parylizes me with fear. I’ve lost 2 hours of gameplay reloading an old save bc I accidentally lost it.

X6-88: A more complex one to answer about. He’s bad, but like, I’m pretty sympathetic to how he got that way. He was created in a lab and had his emotions mostly dragged out of him in intense psychologically damaging training so he would be a weapon and view himself as an object. I was relieved he chose me over the institute even if he wasn’t a fan of the chocie, and think that means there’s a lot of hope for him. Wish he’d chill the fuck out and quit intimidating civilians for 6 god damn seconds, but I like him. I bring him fancy lad snack cakes home from travels all the time, bc Synths are supposed to like them. Really like that he’s the /most/ sympathetic companion towards Danse in Blind Betrayal, even though he should not be programmed for that, and Danse hated him and made it clear any time they interacted.

(EDIT) Curie: I FORGOT HER BABY IM SO SORRY. I like Curie a lot, despite the fact I temporarily forgot she existed. I stg I thought she was in here. Uhhh, okay. Curie: like her character and personality, HUGE un-fan of both the way her desire to get a synth body is to be ‘more real,’ as if Codsworth isn’t a fully realized person while the same robot type she is, instead of just like. Because it would make her happy. ALSO hate how much of a Born Sexy Yesterday she is, even intentionally in not-determinate affinity talks. It’s gross. But her herself, I like a lot. She’s my daughter and I will protect her. She works at The Castle right now as their on-site medic.

Paladin Danse: I know I’m gonna take heat for this but honestly? He didn’t do much for me. I like that he looks and sounds kinda like Buzz Lightyear, and that’s fun, but idk at all why people think he’s so hot. He’s very boring & generic looking to me. Like you’re valid! Taste all be different. But he doesn’t do it for me personally in looks or personality. I don’t at all like, hate him. Or even dislike. Tbh I am fairly neutral on him. It was funny making affinity with him though. Every other companion I had maxed, I liked more and more with each affinity talk. They’d be like “So my dad was a minuteman and died and I want to honor him” or “I just want to really feel like I’m a person, for real, myself, and I am glad I met you, because the good we have achieved together is ours, even if I can’t be sure of anything else,” or “My brother threw the cultural minorities out of our city for clout bc the rich citizens were all racist, and I tried to help—I snuck them food to the unsafe ruins they set up in for weeks, but eventually, they just vanished, and I still bear immense guilt and self-hatred over not having stopped that.” And Danae’s would be like “One time a buddy of mine got kidnapped by super mutants. They turned him into one of them, and they’re all abominations, so I killed him and it made me really sad.” And I was just like “...Oh danse. I really wanted to like you more. But what the fuck.” His relationship to Haylen is sweet though. And ofc I saved him in Blind Betrayal. I blew up the Prydwin so he’s safe now too, and he lives in the garden by my house and tells me how glad he is we’re friends, and I’m p into that. Overall, my feelings on him are not strong at all though.

Porter Gage: Not a fan. Like, I appreciated he helped me kill the old boss, sure. And bc I owed him for that, I went to max affinity to see what there was to him as a person. And like, as far as raiders go, he was okay. But he wasn’t deeply sympathetic, and he’s a slaver, and if you try to liberate the slaves he and the others own, he /will/ turn on and attempt to murder you immediately, no matter how close you were, so he made his choice, and it was to be a bad person and an asshole to the last. Really enjoyed the VA’s work a lot on him tho.

And there you have it 👈👈😎. Thanks for asking!

#ask #anonymous #fallout 4 #fo4 #god I love them so much. I was really proud I kept all the OGs too. everyone but Gage. who had to go but it’s his own choice and fault 🤷🏻‍♀️ #GOD far harbor was a good dlc. it’s like the main quest choice again but way more condensed and twice as f ked up. my poor MC had only #come to terms just before with all the lives she took & started healing #doing bad things she did not want to do & knew he would know about and think less of her for doing. but she did them. 😔 bc of course she did #then she had to choose between letting the dude she loved be hurt in a way he wouldn’t recover from & torpedoing her relationship to him by #she loves Nick and if it’s him or her it’s always gonna be her #I was SUFFERING. a lot. but I also loved it #don’t come into my inbox and clown about liking Danse please or Gage. idc at all #like you are welcome to your opinion I’m not gonna try to convince you /not/ to like him. plz do me the same courtesy & respect my right to #have an opinion u may not like

[divine-draws]

okay i had a whole google doc that i wrote a buncha shit but imma try to CONDENSE it and make my ideas more clear bc there was some wishy washy in there. BUT dabihawks ice skating au bc im gay for that shit. all of it under the cut bc this shit is gunna get LONG. buckle in fuckers. ALSO FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ABOUT this i will be happy to answer shit :3c

SO fair warning before we begin. i know shit about ice sports. im like 1) not THAT educated nor have i legit participated though ive always wanted to and 2) this is just self indulgent so like if i dont get shit right or whatever dont come at me bro. im here to have FUN and live a bit vicariously. also as for location of all this shit i dont know and dont care and am american so my perspective on things are skewed. anyway cw: abuse mention

so dabi (touya) is a previous figure skater

he’s a figure skating prodigy 

enji was a pro hockey player (id say figure skating but this man was BUILT like a brick shithouse idk man) has a lot of championships under his belt but doesnt even begin to touch the legacy of his one sided rival yagi toshinori

him and rei meet and marry at a young age. she like.. actually liked him then?? shit was kinda okay but things kinda.... got bad quick. the abuse etc was ... yeah. she ends up having dabi and fuyumi (they’re twins babeyy) at a young age too and kinda doesnt feel like she can get out of her horrible marriage 

we wont dwell too much on the bad part of all of this though. anyway rei was a figure skater

p well known and known for her fucking GRACE god she moved so well on the ice.

she was so beautiful and spoke through her movements and enji loved that... and so as a hockey player and with a (now previous) figure skater wife he was like aight my kids WILL take up an ice sport and be the FUCKING BEST

dabi isnt made for hockey. enji tries to get him into it but it’s... nah... fuyumi isnt the best with figure skating. she’s good!! and her and dabi do some pair skating when they’re younger but it’s.. hm. dabi is the one with the clear talent here. (fuyumi is a beast on the ice when it comes to hockey though. will dominate. but she kinda... didnt really continue with it)

enji isnt PLEASED that his son isnt gunna be a hockey player but he still values figure skating and will fucking make sure he’s the BEST at it. and so the brutal training starts. he gets some good coaches and also takes up the coaching mantle 

the thing is.. rei was amazing as a skater but her body just... wasnt really made for all of that??? and dabi unfortunately kinda inherited that. his body hates the impacts and such. he’s amazing at figure skating. he has a grace similar to his mothers but there’s something more fierce to him. 

and honestly !!! he gets far!!

also natsuo comes around. he’s a bit too clumsy for either sport and resents the fact that him and fuyumi are neglected by their father. he also loves touya and gets so pissed seeing his brother so hurt

and shouto is born and this kid was made to be on the ice. he’s skating from the moment he can fucking stand on his own.

obvs enji’s attention is split but it’s mainly on touya who is winning championships and GOING places but it’s still not good enough

anyway idk how far he goes?? but it’s the biggest competition yet and on ice mid routine he lands wrong

one thing leads to the next and he’s pretty much medically retired from a young age. he can skate. he can still kinda preform but he cant do what he used to at ALL and he cant keep up with the brutal pace enji sets. there’s a lot of trying to push him still and it’s just.. not happening

for all it’s worth dabi is kinda glad he isnt doing it anymore. but he fears for his babies brother. shouto is a natural and while yes being a professional athlete of any sort is brutal on your body, his body is a lot more capable

but like touya before, shouto is pushed to his absolute limits. bleeding and injuries and puking his guts out from being pushed too far

there’s a lotta resentment but he still pushes through w skating. 

(side note but there DEF is some todomido/tododeku w hockey player izuku who ends up being coached by THE yagi toshinori and who helps shouto out w making shit his own)

anyway so in the end dabi ends up working at a rink tho lol

it’s p much owned by shigarai and run by the lov (who in this au end up making their own little ragtag unofficial local hockey team p much and play games against other teams like them)

despite his father’s whole career, dabi does enjoy playing hockey with these dipshits

but yeah he enjoys his time working at the rink, fucking around and sleeping in random places and sometimes running the zamboni

he’s also best frenemies with shigaraki. they get along and both deal with a shitty upbringing and despite some slight animosity they both would kill if someone fucked w the other 

(also at some point dabi DEF teaches some little kid classes lol)

also dabi does sometimes skate his own routines from time to time. only when he’s alone really. though fuyumi has a pass to be there though he will gripe still

SO HAWKS AM I RIGHT??

now there is a couple ways to go with this and somewhere in me there is an au with hockey player hawks who takes skating lessons from figure skater dabi BUT

i think for this au we’ll just say he was a figure skater from the get go

i think he WANTED to do hockey as a kid. like shouto he’s also a fucking natural and was skating as soon as he could fucking stand and walk. and he looked up to enji and kinda wanted to take up hockey but 

listen,,, trans hawks. who wanted to be like todoroki enji and be a pro hockey player. shit just.. didnt work like that though and besides he’s a tiny dude and god he’d be fucking obliterated 

he kinda is self taught and the ice is his escape from his shitty home life

idk how this works but listen gotta tie in the commission somehow???

he’s scouted or whatever for figure skating at a very young age and his mom is happy to take the heavy scholarships and happy to sign him over to skate for these ppl and have them push him to be The Best

and this kid is FAST. he’s fast and is insane with his jumps and stg it almost looks like he’s FLYING (which gets him the nickname hawks)

the coaches are brutal and shit sucks and a lot of the time it kinda sucks the life out of the sport but he still enjoys it

he has a love for outfits that legit have flare to them (also im thinking of johnny weir’s one outfit w the feathers but yknow instead of white they are RED) and while he does do routines to boring ass music he mainly likes doing shit different (also dabi was p much forced the whole time to do shit to that boring ass music but on his own he’d use his own music taste to skate to)

and he’s good!! he GOES places. he’s like makes it to the olympics at a young age and is one of THE youngest gold medalists for figure skating

im sure somewhere along the line him and dabi DID meet. it was at some competition and hawks was VIBRATING bc there’s ENJI and he wants and autograph and oH GOD IS THAT HIS SON??? he’s HOT. (and at this time dabi still had his red hair and like no piercings and what little ones he had they were out but this dumbass will not recognize him later on)

but god he needs to chill TF out or he will fuck up in the competition 

he hears about dabi’s whole accident and like feels for him but again it’s not like they were friends. there was more of a slight rivalry and they barely spoke if they did

but so idk like.. between seasons hawks finds himself going like nearly every day to this rink.. aka shigaraki’s rink (also sidenote but lbr it’s really run by shirakumo who kinda has to fucking herd the cats w this group)

as frenemies dabi and shigaraki share their distaste for some of these pro athletes (tho some get a pass) and kinda complain about hawks a bit tho like..... shigaraki cant complain TOO much bc of the money from hawks renting out the rink for a few hours almost every day

dabi is too gay for this shit when he actually sees hawks in action. rip him 

tbh they dont really interact tho (besides dabi telling him to gtfo the rink or he’ll run him over with the zamboni) until one day that hawks catches dabi skating

he was done and should have been gone but he forgot something on the bleachers and then he sees dabi and.. oh boy he’s GAY AF

and also dabi is RLLY GOOD???

and so hawks makes a FOOL of himself and startles the poor guy and p much presses all the wrong buttons w asking why he doesnt compete or something

and i mean im sure they had some SLIGHT progress w talking before. nothing significant but god the walls go RIGHT THE FUCK UP and dabi is pissed

tbh dabi was gunna get to the point where he LEGIT talked to him and maybe lowkey asked him out (he says this but shigaraki calls his bluff) and now there is no way. he storms off and tries to avoid him so hard

and hawks tries to corner him a bit but after some time he does manage to corner him and be like pls just let me take you out to dinner to make up for that shit????

aaand dabi accepts bc listen okay he cant say no to free food ??? like he’s kinda pissy w this guy but also.. listen he has EYES 

anywayyy p much this just leads to them dating

hawks DEF looks him up and watches all the vids of him and like the idiot he is realizes that he met him before ( “oh my GOD i know you” “uh… we’re dating i hope u know me?????”  “nO I MEAN WE MET AT (insert comp)”)

but before that dabi did like tell him some shit. mainly about like how he used to skate blah blah and the whole thing that ended all of that

he doesnt really delve too deep into like his shitty childhood until well later

idk what leads to it but the convo finally comes up and it’s so draining for dabi and hawks is horrified and ready to fight his dad (“listen i just sharpened my skates i’ll just-”)

anyway some side things bc this is long and i will answer questions on this tho

rumi is a women’s pro hockey player and fuyumi who actually follows hockey and shit has the BIGGEST crush on her (they end up together)

also natsuo comes to see one of the leagues games (he hasnt really seen them play tbh?? he hears about it from dabi but he lives like at least a few hours away on campus and is going for med school so rip him) and like he meets shigaraki and anyway dabi is losing his FUCKING MIND bc his best frenemy/boss and his younger brother are FLIRTING. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM???

dabi and hawks are really gay together and have skated together by this point and made out on ice a few times and shigaraki was miserable and is like “NOW U KNOW!!” and dabi is pissed bc “yEAH BUT THAT”S MY LITTLE BROTHER??? IT”S NOt thE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

#dabihawks #bnha #ice skating au #figure skating au #hockey au #idk all the skating #todomido #tododeku #it's lowkey in this post but it's VERY much there and u SHOULD ask me about it #natshig #siganatsu #again lowkey buuut #and #same w #miruyumi #mha #boku no hero academia #dabi #hawks #todoroki touya #takami keigo #todoroki enji #lov #shigaraki tomura #im tired of tagging things actually #speaks #my writing #kinda #my aus #not art

[sadsapphicslut]

chapter one - original story (i havent come up with a title yet lol)

okay so here it is!! if anyone actually reads this i love u :) please leave feedback if u have any!! 

TWs:

death, drugs, medication, mental illness, references to sex, swearing, alcohol

wordcount: 8.2k

(also i dont think anyone will but im paranoid of people stealing my writing so obligatory dont copy/post to another site or steal my work in any other ways etc)

There were five of us; 4 boys and me. In hindsight I realize from the outside our group probably seemed a little predatory, but it was never really like that. For the most part they were like brothers to me. Of course, being the only girl in a small and isolated club of mainly older boys, things were bound to happen. We were in high school and it was summer, can you blame me? Regardless, however much I loved them, it was not quite in the way my father always assumed or my mother always warned (during our uncomfortable monthly visitations before I managed to get rid of her for good).

The months everything went down, which I often referred to only as ‘The Worst Summer of My Life’, (quite melodramatically but not without reason) were somehow still full of the best moments of my life. Moments I often find myself wishing I could repeat, as nothing has or will ever come close to the way I felt, sitting amongst my boys day after day, somehow light as the warm July breeze that blew past us. My entire body weightless, as non-existent as the time that passed us by. Despite the depression I’d found myself plunged into during the days after my only brother’s death, I truly believe I will never again be as happy as I was then. Laughter seemed to flow freely from our mouths, smiles plastered onto our faces no matter the circumstances, content to just exist. I don’t think I can ever forget the day it was raining so hard the entire city was flooded, but we walked around uptown well past the point of being absolutely drenched, our clothes dripping so heavily the security guard denied us entry into the public library. Something about that day made me feel so free, like we were invisible. Completely apathetic to the whims of the real world, somehow existing only in our twisted minds and intertwined fantasies.

Maybe if I’d had my head screwed on a little tighter, or if we’d met under different circumstances, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. I used to go down that line of thought every night before succumbing to a fitful but heavy sleep (under the direct affect of 25mg of Quetiapine, working to counteract my Concerta and Lexapro). Those types of irrational thoughts were ones my therapist deemed as my habit for rumination. In regard to the death of my brother she called it ‘bargaining’, one of the stages of grief. I never liked it when she spoke about those stages as I’ve always felt them to be wrong. Maybe because I never quite moved on to the final one, no matter how many years pass. ‘Acceptance’, coined as the “Re-entrance to reality”. Maybe it’s different since I was never really grounded to reality in the first place. I still wake up some mornings, thinking I’ve heard his voice in the other room, ready to beguile me with tales from his day of retail work. Other times I swear I’ve walked past him on the street. Some people may relate to my experiences, with reasonings of ghosts, angels, apparitions, or insanity, among many other causes for the apparent viewing of a loved one long gone to the other side. I never shared these beliefs, but I am not one to deny. Rather, I always take these instances as an omen. A warning. I have come to this conclusion not without evidence, at least circumstantial, given the many occasions over the years – and especially that summer – where I found my hypothesis to be true. All I can say is that I am glad I’ve never been met with the same chimerical visions of my mother; one can only hope that is because she ended up where she belonged. Maybe I’ll see her there, though I hope at the very least they could keep us in separate rooms of Hell if the situation does arise.

From what I know of the others now, which is admittedly not much – majorly due to my own neglect, as opposed to theirs – they share the same prescription for rose-coloured glasses as I. We always were too engrossed with our own romanticization of nostalgia and sentiment that it clouded our view. I often think this was one of the reasons we seemed to fit so well together. Not quite like puzzle pieces, too self-absorbed to hold a candle to that analogy, more like complimentary colours. I wish it could’ve stayed the way it was. We did try, and I never found myself able to fully disentangle myself from James, nor he could to I, but for most of us we could recognize an ending when one arises. I used to find myself using the word tragedy a lot while reminiscing, but I no longer think that word is appropriate. Fate is a more fitting term in my opinion, regardless of if one believes in it or not. “(A)n inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end,” as reported by Merriam Webster. I don’t think there’s a word in the entire English language more accurate in describing how everything ended up; and if there is, I am yet to find it.

  Chapter One

A Dead Brother

          I have tried to erase the day my brother died from my memory so many times I lost count decades ago. I still find the image seeping into my unconsciousness quite dreadfully on the nights I neglect to take my pills and catch myself waking up with a steady flow of tears that dampen my pillow along with the drool that always seems to pour from my sleeping mouth. The dread that pools in my stomach sometimes being heavy enough for me to lose my lunch. I frequently wonder how people managed to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault; the most painful lie I’ve ever been told and one that seemed to stream from people’s mouths as easily as the mini sandwiches laid in the living room of my brother’s wake were stuffed in. The worst part about being told it wasn’t my fault was how obviously one could tell they didn’t believe what they were saying either. His death was my fault; a fact so uncontestable I wanted to kill myself every time I was reminded of it.

           My therapist often tried to remind me that even if his death was “partially” (she always used the word partially, refusing to acknowledge the truth that his death was entirely my fault) my fault, there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. This was another lie I despised being told. There were a million ways I could have prevented his death or saved his life and yet, here we are, with him dead and me wishing everyday that I won’t wake up tomorrow. “Begonia,” she’d tell me – she was the only person who called me by my full name, I usually went by Nia, but a nickname felt too personal and I didn’t like her very much – “You mustn’t keep torturing yourself with these scenarios. He’s dead, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am starting to wonder if you are going to let yourself move on. This isn’t healthy.” That was a line she liked to use a lot, “this isn’t healthy”. As if anything I do is.

           Barb, my therapist that is, liked to go over the details of my brother’s death a lot. She often called it a ‘trigger’, which is why she always seemed to want me to talk about it. “Trauma is a horrible thing, Begonia, and you must learn to move past it, process it. I can see you still haven’t managed to do that on your own, and that’s what I’m here for, to help you move on.” Barb was big on the idea of  “moving past trauma” and “learning to cope”, she often sounded like a broken record of a motivational speech. I found myself comparing her to school guidance councillors without realizing it, they were about equally as helpful (read: not helpful) in my opinion.

           Sometimes I blame my inability to forget and “move past” my brother’s death on the way Barb constantly brought it up and made me go through it. I never quite understood how that part of my therapy was supposed to help me. I asked her once, what good was it doing rehashing the worst day of my life?

           “Well, Begonia,” I hated the way she said my name, always so condescending and sour, like even the idea of me questioning her in any way was as impolite as shitting on her desk.

“You have to understand that I only want to help you. You seem to be unable to process your traumas on your own, which is why we need to go through these things. As you are aware, this PTSD,” she always left strange pauses after each letter, her slow tone grinding on my ears, “you have acquired has left you unable to function normally in daily life. I want you to get to a place where you can have a normal life (Ha!) and cope without these meetings. It’s what your brother would’ve wanted.” Barb liked to tell me what my brother would have wanted at least once every session. Putting aside the fact she knew next to nothing about him aside from the intimate details on how he died, I always thought it was an inappropriate thing to say as a psychologist specializing in grief counselling. It never particularly bothered me, I was reasonable enough to realize she was just trying to comfort me, but I never liked the phrase. “What your brother would’ve wanted.” What he would’ve wanted was to not die but we’re past that, aren’t we Barb, as you so often enjoyed telling me.  

I have always been quite averse to my diagnoses, ADHD at 14, Persistent Depressive Disorder at 15, PTSD at 16, issues with alcohol and drugs that landed me in rehab more than once. I’ve been on a concoction of different medications since I was 13, even before I was diagnosed with anything officially. Sertraline, Lexapro, Prozac, Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Quetiapine, Ambien, Zopiclone, a healthy mix of off brand and branded medications. Sleeping pills, antidepressants, stimulants. I can’t remember a time before monthly trips to the drug store and side effect surveys that I’m not sure if I ever told the truth on. It’s a wonder that people didn’t see a slew of addiction issues coming from a mile away.

I think I’ve always had the most contention with my PTSD diagnosis though, I hate it because I know it’s undeniably true. I wish it wasn’t because maybe that’d mean my brother was still alive, but he isn’t. And I’m left traumatized and bereaved. Sometimes it feels like it hurt me more than it ever did my mother or father. Maybe it did. I should feel selfish for saying that, but I can’t, because they didn’t have to look at him while the life left his body, praying to God for the ability to turn back time. See the moment his eyes glazed over, knowing I’d never get to hear his obnoxious laugh, or make fun of his dumb face ever again.

  ❈

             “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.”

It was a cool evening in May, the end of spring brought with it the promise of summer and the air had the familiar aroma of daffodils and petrichor. I had decided to go to a party with my friend Faun, my dad having been out at his girlfriend’s place for the weekend and me having nothing better to do. I wasn’t one for partying, but I did like to get high, so I usually just hung around with the rest of the potheads and pill junkies until someone dragged me home or I fell asleep. That night Don, a friend of a friend of a friend, had brought coke and E and we were all determined to get as fucked up as possible. Faun only ended up doing one line before running into a bedroom with some guy whose name started with an M – was it Martin or Marvin? Maybe it was Mickey – and left me sitting on the couch beside a girl who was about 1 more shot of vodka away from passing out.

I had fully intended on doing some coke, but the E seemed to be hitting harder than I was used to. I was sure my Ritalin had worn off by then but maybe I was wrong. As I stood up to get a glass of water I nearly fell over and decided to sit back down. Turning to face Don, I tapped him on the shoulder trying to get his attention.

“What was in that molly?” I was vaguely aware of the way my words were slurring, but I felt weirdly energized. I was aware my heart was beating a little too fast, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I knew what ecstasy felt like, this was not nearly my first time doing it, but I felt really wrong.

           “Don!” He turned to look at me and I felt uneasy. His eyes looked a little crazed – not that out of the ordinary but given the circumstances I was worried – “What the fuck did you give me?” It felt like I’d done 5 lines of coke in the last 2 minutes and I knew that E had been spiked.

           Don’s face had an unmistakable expression of guilt written on it as he leaned down and whispered in my ear, his voice shaking, “I think it was cut with meth.” Fuck. My stomach dropped. I have to get out of here. I quickly shot up from the musty couch I was sat on, carefully holding onto Don’s shoulder so I didn’t fall, my legs still feeling unsteady. I opened my phone; the screen was too bright, and I had a hard time maneuvering it as I attempted to exit the house. Clicking the green Messages icon, I sent a text to Faun – e ws cut w meth im lesving – with shaky hands and burst out the door into the fresh air. I clicked my brother’s contact and pressed call.

           It rang four times before he picked up.

           “Nia? Why are you calling me it’s like 1am?” I could tell from the smooth tone of his voice he’d been drinking. He didn’t very often but he had an appreciation for cocktails and enjoyed getting buzzed now and then. He still was a year from being legal to drink but his friends we’re all 19 and 20 and bought alcohol for him. I found him fun when he got drunk, becoming talkative and giggly, but right now I wished so badly for him to be sober.

           “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.” I was slurring, my voice a bit too pitchy to pass as anything but high. I knew he didn’t like it when I did this, but he never ratted me out. Sometimes I wish he did, maybe I never would’ve been able to go to that party in the first place.

           I could hear a door shutting on his end, I assumed he was going into a different room. “What’s wrong?” My skin was bubbling with anxiety at the prospect of having to tell him what I did.

           “Fuck, uh… I did something stupid. I’m at Emily Goguen’s, y’know up in Champlain Heights. Please pick me up.” I rarely used the word please.

“Nia, what the fuck did you do?” I almost started crying but I found my eyes to be bone dry.

“Please don’t yell.”

“Okay, really, tell me what is going on or I won’t come get you.”

“I accidentally took meth.”

“You what? What the fuck, Nia! Fuck this I’m on my way and I’m fucking telling Dad.” I cringed but I knew he was going to before I even called. The pit in my stomach grew deeper as the buzzing of my skin grew stronger. I could feel myself getting higher, everything was so clear and standing around was making me grow restless. Ray huffed on the phone and I heard him entering his car.

His tone was softer the next time he spoke. “I’ll be there in 5, just stay put, please. Do you want me to stay on the call or can I hang up?”

I felt like a child, which I was really, only 16 at the time, a whole life ahead of me. Still, I was grateful for the way he spoke to me, reminiscent of being 6 and getting a scrapped knee after falling off my pink Razor scooter. The high made me edgy, and my voice was sharp to my ears, “No, you can hang up.” I heard the click to indicate he’d done just that, and started pushing my cuticles as I waited, the task somehow greatly interesting me, and I did not realize until later I had managed to pick off all of the skin around my pointer and middle fingernails during the five-minute wait.

 Ray pulled up exactly five minutes later in his ugly, blue 2011 Ford Fiesta he’d gotten the year prior after passing his driving test. What I wouldn’t do now to smell the inside of that car once again, a distinct attar of pineapple car freshener and Old Spice deodorant mixed with stale black tea, faintly present due to his ever-growing collection of empty paper cups from various different fast foods and coffee shops.

I stumbled into the car, feeling the strong impulse to clean the space, but attempting to push it down. From the passenger side overhead mirror I could see my blown pupils and sweaty forehead, pieces of my copper red hair sticking to my face. My freckles were showing through my concealer that had mostly worn off and I wanted to cover them back up. My skin was pale from winter (and probably the drugs in my system) but my cheeks were flushed like I was drunk. My high cheekbones made my face look gaunt in the lighting, but my face was wide which balanced it out, so I didn’t look completely skeletal. Ray was looking at me, the worry apparent in his eyes, but his face was flushed as well, and I could tell he’d been drinking a bit too much to drive. I had my license as well, but it was clear I was in no condition to take over on that front, so I didn’t bother saying anything. I wish I had. There’s a lot of things I wish. I wish I hadn’t gone to that party; I wish I hadn’t taken that E; I wish I called someone else; I wish I waited it out at Emily’s; I wish I walked home; I wish I took a cab; I wish I waited for Faun; I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

“Are you okay?” He didn’t take his eyes off me as I shut the mirror in front of me.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine. Please just take me home.”

“Is Dad there?”

“No.”

“Maybe I should take you to Mom’s.”

“No!” I’d moved out of my mom’s completely just over 6 months ago, barely seeing her once a month. It was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. She never liked me much anyways, the feeling was entirely mutual. Ray seemed to have a close bond with her for some reason despite how she treated him like shit. I never called him out though, he no longer lived with her, so I didn’t really care what their relationship was as long as she wasn’t hurting him. She did treat him significantly better than me, however, so I figured maybe he managed to forgive her the way I never could.

“Okay, but I’m staying with you until Dad gets home. I’m not gonna lie to him about this shit. Fucking meth, Nia? Seriously?”

“It was in the molly.” He sighed and started driving.

 My brain felt like it was filled with butterflies, or ants, some kind of movement that was itching at my skull. The paper cups scattered around were making me anxious and I needed to clean his car. I began picking at my nails again, but I needed to pick up those cups, you see. I turned around and started gathering the ones Ray had discarded in the back, filling up an empty plastic bag from Best Buy. I was fully switched around in my seat, nearly crawling into the backseat to reach the trash my brother had left. I felt him tap my side, I looked over at him and he started to scold me.

“Nia, stop that will you, you’re distracting me.” But I needed to finish gathering the cups. The car was dirty, and my skin was itching, the traffic lights burning my skin. I was elated and I didn’t want to listen to him, he was just trying to get in my way. I continued to lean over, not registering the swerve of the car as he looked over at me.

“Nia – ”

He turned over to push me back into my seat, his eyes leaving the road for no more than a few seconds. This time I felt the swerve as we broke into the next lane.

 This is where I have a hard time piecing together what happened. From what I was told, we ended up running directly into a 2015 Dodge Ram 2500. In case you understandably have a lack of knowledge when it comes to cars, that is a very large, sturdy, and expensive pickup truck which I would probably consider the last vehicle you’d want to charge headfirst into while going 70km per hour. I don’t recall the actual incident of hitting the truck, whether that be from the drugs, the position I was in, or hitting my head on the roof of the car, I don’t know. What I do know is that when I woke up, we were in a ditch on the side of the road, with the car flipped upside down, and my entire body was screaming at me to Get Out!

I felt blood oozing sluggishly from my head and noted some indistinct pain in my right wrist where it had scraped something pretty badly and gotten twisted, but I otherwise felt alright. I couldn’t tell if the cloudiness in my head was from a concussion or the earlier events of the night, but I figured it was probably good I was awake, regardless of how dazed I seemed.

I turned my head to the left and was greeted by a view I will never be able to forget, it having been branded to the insides of my eyelids, scorched in my mind. Ray, with his left arm twisted in spectacular fashion, reminding me of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, after Lockhart spells away Harry’s bones. My brother had always been squeamish with broken bones and I hoped he wasn’t aware of how his limb looked at the moment. His head was bleeding quite profusely, and I was alarmed despite how many times I’d heard in movies that headwounds bleed a lot. His eyelids were fluttering, irises appearing glassy and unfocussed. And then I saw it. A piece of glass was stuck in the left side of his neck. The windshield apparently had broken with the impact and my brother was lucky enough to get a piece lodged right in his trachea. It was thick, bright red blood –  that I could’ve sworn was sparkling in my current inebriated perspective – was gushing out the side, so heavy I could smell it, taste it, in the air. I was frozen once I realized.

Do something, do something! Put pressure on it! Call 9-1-1! My mind was screaming at me, but it was all I could do to sit and watch the blood stain his clothes. He was wearing the corduroy jacket I’d gotten him for his birthday and a white button up, the red seeped into them until it was as if they’d always been that colour. My voice was caught in my throat, but I managed to push some sound past.

“Ray?” It was weaker than a whisper but in the silence that seemed to envelope us in that car, completely independent of the outside world and sirens that could surely be heard from blocks away, I knew he would be able to hear me.

He looked up, eyes focussing slightly on me, and a tear slipped down his face, only it went the wrong way since we were still upside down. He mouthed the words “I love you”. We never said that to each other. As close as we were, our relationship had always been more comparable to that of a best friend than sibling. We weren’t overly affectionate, never hugged or said I love you, hung out for enjoyment rather than as a punishment. Most people didn’t know we were brother and sister until we pointed it out, we never really looked alike and were absent of the traditional distaste and rivalry usually present between siblings. I knew, as he looked me in the eyes and said those words, this would be the last time I’d ever see him outside of a morgue.

I sat in my seat next to him with dry eyes, wishing desperately I could cry, needing to express the feeling of utter horror and despondency that completely overtook my body and mind, but I couldn’t. Barb told me time and time again that I was in shock, there was nothing I could’ve done, but I will never be able to believe that. I still remember the moment the final tear slipped down his face. He smiled at me, pain evident in his eyes. His entire body was covered in the metallic smelling red, and I wanted to vomit. I wish I could say the crash had sobered me, but it didn’t, not really. I was still entirely in a daze as I saw his muscles relax, smiling falling from his face, eyes not quite rolling back all the way but enough to give me nightmares for the next 20 years. The life had been absorbed from his body, leaving a heavy shell. I was told afterwards this all happened within the span of 10 minutes, but it felt like years. By the time the first responders had appeared I was an old woman. Grayed hair, and arthritic bones. Mourning for the brother I’d lost oh so many years ago, when I was just a girl. I think in a way I died in that car with him, I never was really the same. But who would be? Best friend and confidant, older brother, idol, dying in front of your eyes as you do nothing, knowing for the rest of your life that his death is – was – your fault. Knowing you could’ve done something, anything really, to prevent his untimely loss of life before the paramedics arrived. If I’d been the same after that night I would have to be much more disturbed than I ever thought.

I sat in that car beside Ray’s corpse for 3 more minutes before I heard the sirens closing in around us – me. I thought I might pass out, either from the toll of what I’d just witnessed or from my concussion, but I remained upright, probably from the adrenaline. I couldn’t move so I just waited, and hoped I’d die too before anyone reached the scene. It would be much preferrable to any other outcome I could think of at the time. I could vaguely register the pain in my wrist, but I felt so numb I’m sure you could’ve shot me in the foot and I wouldn’t have blinked.

A young fireman named Walter ended up getting me out of the car. The door was smashed and stuck which meant I’d been trapped in there either way. I was happy I hadn’t bothered trying to escape as I'm terribly claustrophobic and finding out I couldn’t would have thrown me into a proper panic attack. The fireman was incredibly nice, saying reassuring things the entire time they were opening the door with the “Jaws of Life”. I ended up seeing him again in the hospital actually, or at least that’s what my father told me. He wanted to check in on me and left me some hydrangeas in a vase. I always preferred chrysanthemums but I'm not that picky when it comes to a floral arrangement.

After the door was busted open I was carried out by Walter. I was shaking and apparently babbling nonsense but in my head I was trying to tell them to save Ray. I wasn’t really aware of all that much, completely blind to the crowd of spectators that had rudely gathered to witness the violence – wasn’t it supposed to be taboo to stop at a car crash? Wondering vaguely about what happened and wishing you could get a better look as you drive past the scene.  My head wound had made me a bit incompetent and the meth in my system was really not helping the entire situation.

I was laid on a gurney and rolled onto an ambulance. I don’t remember much about the ride; the sirens, the bright lights, a paramedic named Alice who spoke softly, smoothing out my hair while the other put an oxygen mask on my face (which I wasn’t entirely cognizant enough to question though now I'm not really sure why they did it) and splinted my wrist. Alice asked me if I was on drugs and I nodded but was unable to speak when she asked me what ( I would find this a common occurrence after the accident, my voice seemingly stolen alongside Ray’s). She just nodded and said something to the other ME that I didn’t quite pick up. She asked if I could tell her my name and I shook my head. She must’ve noticed the iPhone in my pocket and grabbed it, turning to the medical ID page.

“Is your name Begonia?” I nodded, though the name sounded foreign on my ears. I liked the way Alice said it though, she had a light Spanish accent and a matronly tone that made me feel safe. I wondered if she had kids of her own; she looked young, but my own mother had me at 19 so who could say? She told me her name after complimenting mine. “Begonia is a beautiful name; I love the flowers. I’m Alice, okay? We’re gonna make sure you’re alright and take you to the hospital.” Her voice was sweet like syrup and I became sleepy as she spoke.

“No honey, you can’t fall asleep yet. Just stay awake a little bit longer and I promise you they’ll let you sleep at the hospital.”

  I don’t remember anything of the rest of the ride to the hospital. I was dropped off at the Emergency Room at the Regional, head still too foggy to allow me to recall anything before I was sitting in a white bed, in a white room, with white sheets and a light blue hospital gown on. It was morning and my father was sitting at the end of my bed in an uncomfortable plastic chair, his eyes bloodshot and moist. He’d very obviously been crying for a long time and my chest panged with guilt. I reached up to feel my head and realized there was a cast on my wrist. With my other hand I touched the cotton that covered my forehead, wincing when I felt the sting of what had to be stitches in a nasty gash. I would spend the next 5 years of my life with a variety of diverse haircuts that attempted to hide the ugly scar that served as a reminder of the worst night of my life. Even now it is still extremely obvious, but I can’t be bothered to try and hide it, I so rarely look in the mirror that it wouldn’t matter if my skin turned blue.

My dad hadn’t looked up, so I attempted to gain his attention but once again found my voice failing me. I tapped on the bed a few times before he seemed to realize and face me.

“Nia… how are you feeling?” His voice was raspy and thin. He reeked of cigarettes and stale coffee, though this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I remained silent as he looked at me, searching my face for something I'm not sure he found.

“Nia, I, I'm not sure how to say this to you.” Here it comes. Almost worse than watching my brother die, the confirmation. “Ray, he’s, well dead.” I saw my father’s eyes begin to tear up again as I stared straight ahead. I couldn’t feel the sobs that racked my body, nor the hot tears streaming from my eyes. I saw my dad start to move closer but sit back down when I flinched. Of course, I knew my brother was dead; I had front row seats to watching the event happen, but somehow I still didn’t believe it until the words left my father’s mouth. According to my dad, who many years later described to me how eery the whole event was, my sobs were completely silent, and I was entirely unaware of everything happening around me. This dissociation lasted the first few days after the accident, and the entirety of my hospital stay. Leaving the blissful gap in my memory I have now.

Barb told me this was my mind’s way of coping with the tragedy and stress of what happened. I was honestly just happy I had an excuse to skip some of the dreadful retelling she forced upon me.

 ❈

             The funeral was of course a depressing and solemn event. I was still yet to speak and found myself thankful for the way people gave up on trying to get me to communicate. I dressed in a black skirt with a black short sleeved button up. A dark coat thrown around my shoulders as the cast on my right hand was too big to fit through the sleeve. I looked terrible, barely a week out of hospital before I watched Ray sink into the ground. The wound on my forehead was still quite nasty, though it looked better than it did before. I tried to cover it up with my hair but was unsuccessful. I got bangs soon after.

           The matter was very traditional, taking place in a church even though none of our family was really religious. It was only the second time I'd ever been in a church, the first having been for my cousin Julie’s wedding when I was four years old. I don’t remember anything of it aside from the material of my dress itching at my neck and making me rather miserable. Of course, not nearly as miserable as I was the day of the funeral, sitting in a pew at the front of the church, listening to a priest claiming Ray would’ve wanted us to celebrate his life. I knew this not to be true; Ray was extremely dramatic and would’ve cherished the thought of everyone he’d ever spoken to moping around for weeks after his death, beside themselves with grief. He sometimes referred to himself as “Romeo” after having been broken up with by another girl he was supposedly in love with, stating he better just stab himself in the heart now if he couldn’t have her. On the rare occasion he broke up with a girlfriend, he’d lounge around, eating ice cream, pretending to not be upset and comparing his cold heart to that of Richard VIII. The concept of him being any different over his death was almost comical; Ray was nothing if not predictable.

           I sat beside my father, who sat beside my mother (it was an extremely awkward arrangement that neither I nor my father cared for) and seemed to have the idea that I could evaporate if I thought hard enough about it. Unfortunately, I did not evaporate, or even come close to it, instead finding myself exactly where I'd been the whole time. I mostly tuned out the service, only really paying attention when my father and Ray’s best friend, Jake spoke. I managed to escape the duty of having to speak that day thanks to my fragile mental state and mutism. Though I'm sure I would’ve been forced all the same if I had been able to talk in any capacity, regardless of where my head was at.

           Faun was sitting in the pew behind me, feeling quite guilty about the whole ordeal. Or friendship dissolved soon after, I think she blamed herself for taking me to the party. It didn’t bother me too much though; we were never the closest and I sometimes thought her to be extremely annoying. An endless stream of shitty boyfriends that she only acquired so she could further repress her sexuality. When we were 14 we kissed at a sleepover and she admitted she was in love with me. I felt bad for not returning the feeling and our relationship had been on rocky territory ever since. I don’t understand how she thought she was in love with me since she barely knew anything about me, but either way she never brought it up again and soon after the monsoon of boytoys had begun.

           My brother’s friends and ex-girlfriends also attended the event. I didn’t approach any of them, far too scared they’d blame me for the death of their friend. One of them, Alex, went up to me to say how sorry he was about everything that happened. He was crying quite heavily (I later found out he was the friend Ray had been drinking with and the second last person to see him alive) and I could smell alcohol on his breath. I stood there while he spoke, telling me about how great my brother was as if I was wholly unaware. Body waving side to side as he stood with his hand on the wall beside me. He offered me some bronze liquid in a flask, and I obliged, savouring the burning sensation that followed in my throat. Alex’s voice was steady and deep, reminding me of my father’s. I’m not sure how long we stood there, him spinning a fantastic web of anecdotes and stories about my brother, some entirely new to my ears. We passed the beverage back and fourth until it was empty. My head felt lighter and heavier somehow simultaneously, and I found it much easier to listen to Alex talk. Later he tried to kiss me in my bedroom during the wake. His mouth was sour, and his tongue seemed too big for his mouth. I wondered how he was able to talk so much without it getting in the way.

             We moved in procession to the cemetery after the service. The grass was a vibrant green colour, and I didn’t understand how the world kept turning after Ray’s death, for mine stopped the moment his heart failed to beat. The sky was a lovely shade of cyan-blue, with clouds so perfect they seemed animated. Pink carnations were planted near the outskirts of the yard and I could smell spring in the air; a heavy, floral aroma that never failed to comfort me. I thought it should be raining, it felt inappropriate that the weather refused to match my despair. My mind wandered as we approached the empty grave and I considered what it would be like if Ray was here beside me. He’d probably be making jokes, telling me to lighten up for a minute or my face would get stuck that way. He’d mock my silence, saying how I never managed to shut up for a minute before but suddenly I'm as proper as a nun. I'd smile, ruffling his hair to piss him off and try to refrain from laughing aloud. The absence of him only felt stronger as I imagined this scenario, so I shoved it out of my head.

           The casket was lowered into the ground, my father was a pallbearer and I often think about how he must’ve felt carrying his son’s body before watching him being buried. My mother sobbed loudly which annoyed me, it felt a bit exaggerated. I had a few tears falling from my eyes but mostly, I just felt numb. Incredibly and absolutely empty inside. To onlookers it may have seemed as though we weren’t very close, my reaction being similar to that of his ex-girlfriends’. However, this didn’t account for the loss of my voice, or the broken state I was in mentally. Maybe it was better that my reaction was rather dulled. It meant people didn’t feel the need to approach me as they did my mother. Less concerned given she was the one playing up her emotions to the point of embarrassment. My father cried, more than I but far less than my mother. He didn’t cry very often – I'd actually only seen it once prior to the whole event – and I figured he probably needed it. At this point I felt as though I'd shed enough tears to last a lifetime so Ray wouldn’t mind if I was a bit subdued in comparison. He never was a crier anyways.

           As I sprinkled soil onto his casket I imagined he was right beside me, watching, ready to criticize as usual. The dirt stained my hand, clutching the sweat and turning my skin a muddy brown colour. As I wiped the dirt on my jacket I could hear him nagging about how I better go wash my hands, what was I, a six-year-old? He was in denial about me growing up and took every chance to remind me I was still just a kid. Not that he had much on me, but I enjoyed it. I never was one to shy away from attention; at least not before. Little quirks and inside jokes between us were always some of my favourite things, the type of humour you could only get from living with someone your whole life. No matter how much his memory will fade there are some things I can’t let myself forget. His mocking tone when he’d make fun of me is one of those things. If I ever managed to let go of that sound then I must be dead as well.

           The sun beat down on my back, my skin burning in my black clothes. I wasn’t sweating yet, but most of the men around were – suit jackets aren’t exactly known for their breathability. My nose was dry and aching red, sore from how much I'd been wiping it the last couple days. Still the sweet seeping tinge of flowers and spring managed to crawl into my nose, settling underneath my skin, the buzzing from before had returned, I could feel my heartbeat loudly in my throat and had the desperate urge to just run. Instead, I just followed the rest of the party, sitting down in the passenger seat of my dad’s car. The silence that settled over us was uncomfortable and stale. He turned on the radio, Led Zeppelin filled the air around us, thankfully relieving some of the tension. I felt in my left pocket for one of the carnations I’d picked from a nearby grave earlier. The flower had begun to wilt, heat taking effect on its delicate composition. When I got home I put it in between the pages of my oldest copy of Romeo and Juliet. Ray would have found it funny if he was around to see.

The drive to my mother’s house was short and minimally awkward. We sat in silence – aside from the music – only because there was no alternative. My hand remained clutched around the dying flower in my pocket as we left the car and entered the home. Other people had already arrived, clustered in the living room, picking at tiny ham sandwiches and various desserts my mother had undoubtedly stress-baked the day before. I wasn’t hungry so I sat as far away from the food and people as humanely possible while staying in the living room, not wishing to hear my mother’s scolding about how I need to socialize more. Eventually I managed to slip away into my old bedroom, where Alex was sitting on my bed drinking a mickey of Smirnoff I assumed he swiped from my mother’s freezer. He offered it to me, and I accepted, the weird repetitive déjà vu like act, mirroring earlier and making the whole day feel like somewhat of a dream.

When I went over this part with Barb she always felt the need to emphasize that it wasn’t a dream. I knew this, obviously, which I told her every time, but she was inclined to disbelief when it came to my denial over my brother’s death. “Begonia, you must realize he’s gone. Dwelling is helping nobody, especially not you. This isn’t a healthy mindset for you to have. Always comparing living to your dreams. I want you to tell me you understand this isn’t just some dream you can wake up from.” The first time she said that to me I was thrust into a bout of wordlessness, as it struck a bit too close to home. The next time she brought it up I just told her of course, though even now I still cannot say I fully understand. How can I when all of my assumptions have been constantly disproven time and time again. How can I ever say this isn’t a dream when I'm not even sure I'm real? James always tries to reassure me, “Bee, I'm telling you, if you can feel this beat, the pulse in your wrist, your neck, your chest, you are alive,” he’ll say while pressing my hand to my wrist, but we both know it isn’t that simple.

Me and Alex made out for a few minutes until I managed to excuse myself. He was a bad kisser and tasted disgusting. I left him sitting on my old bed while I went downstairs to find my dad. He was sitting at the counter with a can of root beer, blank expression sat upon his face. When his eyes met mine he sighed, grabbing his keys out of his pocket. It was obvious neither of us wanted to be here, for numerous reasons, so we left. And if the radio stayed off as we drove home we didn’t acknowledge the silence that time. In my hand was the crumpled carnation, and for some reason it made my chest hurt. A deep ache of dread. I could feel my heartbeat, hear it over the drum of the car engine, and I crushed the flower further. I was careful not to rip it though, as if that was crossing some kind of invisible line my mind had set for me. My fingers felt waxy when I finally let go.

Back home, I opened the copy of Romeo and Juliet. I retrieved the deteriorating plant from my pocket and placed it in the center. Closing the book, I stacked it under a few dictionaries, a magazine under it so it was trapped on either side. I sat down in front of it and cried. Not the huge gasping sobs my mother seemed to fancy, nor the quiet weeping of my father. No, I cried the tears of a child who just found out their grandparents died, the soft uncomprehending grief that overcame them as they first learned what death really meant. How long forever was. My legs pulled up to my chest, hands loosely hung around knees, unable to clasp together because of my cast. I closed my eyes and I swear I could hear the sound of Ray sighing behind me, but when I opened my eyes I was alone. I went to bed, earlier than I ever had in my life, still believing it was a dream and I'd wake up like Alice after her adventures in Wonderland. But when I awoke, I was met with the slow, oozing perdure of my reality. The one which I could not wake up from, and the one where my brother was dead.

#my writing #writing #original writing #original content #original fiction #creative writing #dark academia #tw death #tw drugs #tw mentions of sex #tw swearing #tw mental illness #tw medication #alo writes

[popculturebuffet]

Loud House Season 5 Catchup (Blinded by Science, Band Together, Season’s Cheatings, A Flipmas Carol) or Of Mutants, Medicority, Merryment and Money

Merry Christmas everybody! And it’s Christmas Week so expect christmas out the jingle jangle for the next few days. And starting us off is something long overdue as coverage of the Loud House FINALLY resumes just in time for christmas. Yes it’s been over a month since the last episode and while i’ve covered two holiday episodes since then, I haven’t gotten back to season 4 despite, like Ducktales and Amphibia, it being on my roster. The answer why: I had a ton of comissions coming in, and other projects going on including ducktales coverage, so I kept putting off banned together/blinded by science for weeks.. until they coldied right into Season’s Cheatings and a flipmas carol. So yeah this one’s way too late and I will TRY not to have this happen again. I can’t promise they’ll be same day of or right on time as unlike Disney and Cartoon Network who are really good about putting their stuff on the app same day or that morning or streaming services which I own so.. yeah, Nick likes to take their sweet time sometimes and isn’t as steady with their release schedule. It’s why I ended up deciding not to do regular coverage of the casagrandes, though don’t be suprise if it shows up here on occasion as I sitll like it quite a bit. Nick is just a pain in the ass to deal with. Point is it’s here now and in time for the holiday season so i’ve delayed this long enough. Let’s get back to Season 5 after the cut

Blinded by Science:

So yeah... i’m just going to say it.. this season.. has been fucking weird. 

I mean sure there’s been plenty of normal episodes: The Boss Maybe, Strife of the Party, Kernel of Truth, Banned Together, Season’s Cheatings. There are more normal standard Loud House episodes than the weird ones... but that just makes out how looney some episodes have gotten stick out MORE. I mean among episodes tackling Leni struggling to step into Lori’s true, an obnoxious party despute, a news antics episode, Luna dealing with her career, and a holiday shenanigans episodes.. we’ve also had Lincoln get shipped off to Canada for an episode, Lincoln thwart a supervillian plot, Lori learning her school has a friendly ghost caddy that everyone who goes there knows and just accepts like that’s a normal thing, and with two of today’s episodes, Flip being some kind of monsterious miracle of science or possibly having an x gene we don’t know and then being visted by the ghosts of christmas past, present and future, who for no explained reason look and act like Lisa, Lincoln, Clyde and Lucy. 

I mean I can stretch disbelief for a lot of cartoons and i’m fine with it. Lisa does it pretty much on concept. But stretching things a bit for a joke is fine.. but it’s gotten to the point where the plots have gone from grounded slice of life stuff to really weird high concept stuff and it’s really hard to tell if this is going to work or not as Schooled and Family Bonding were not great, especially the latter, Ghosted was pretty good, Flipmas Carol was okay and this one... is decent. So it’s two good, two bad and one neutral. It’l take smore more episodes to see if this is a good thing or not.. I was leaning toward not before this block, but it’s very clear by the fact multiple writers have done this and the one whose done this the most wrote normal episodes last season, that this is an overall creative decision and thus something ‘im just going to have to live with. And hey, it gives me more material to work with so there you go.  So yeah let’s actually talk about this episode: Lisa is scrambling because she has a presentation at a big science convention, but doesn’t have any new discoveries to report. She does have snakebird though, which is exactly what it sounds like and exactly as delightful. Everyone should have one of those I don’t know how this isn’t worth presenting. Just put snakebird in hat. Lincoln comes to help because Rita heard snakebird and wanted to make sure lily was okay, and all he’s doing is taking her for a ride so it’s fine. Snakebird should be a part of my a different world style spinoff I’m just saying. Or with Stella.. I have a lot of spinoff ideas and only one of them has gotten a cease and desist from viacom so that’s progress! 

Point is Lincoln ends up being a very good big brother and takes her to flips for a flippee as that usually helps him think. He also crouchs down adorably to reach her height at one point. 

Like it’s jsut really precious to see that. It also does something the show does at it’s best: Weave the other siblings into each others plots organically. Lately they haven’t been as good at that with some exceptions and while it’s fine to have a few episodes where the rest of the family isn’t involved it is weird to just sorta.. cordon off 11 of our leads instead of giving them their own unique dynamics with each other. And while I do think Lincoln gets way to much of the spotlight at times, and his episodes have not been the best this season, I do think he works perfectly here: He’s the one with the most history with flips, so his role he ends up taking in the plot make sense, and him taking a big brother role and taking her down there is really adorable. It’s honestly easy to forget sometimes since half his sisters outage and outrank him by a lot that LIncoln has some authority and brotherly duty himself but when it crops up it’s really nice to see. 

But yeah while Lincoln’s gesture was nice it does nothing to help. But what does is Flip himself. Honestly before these episodes i’d barely seen Flip and he’s alright. He’s not bad it’s just with this having happened just a few years ago

So i’ts really hard for him to stand out in comparison when he’s kind of generic. He’s still pretty damn loveable though. And this episode has as he drops a drum of cheese on his foot, it does nothing, eats cheese right out of the barrel which.. 

I mean at least have some sanitary standards man. Get a bowl or put it in a bathtub or something. Figure it out. But yeah it turns out his heart is also in his arm, literally on his sleeve.. something they don’t point out so it’s a subtle and well done joke. 

Anyways yeah... so this is where the weird stuff comes in. Flip is some sort of miracle of science despite in all other episodes clearly being a normal human, And I like it.. while some bits of it are gross, i’m not a gross out guy so if you like that it’ll be up your ally and I respect that. But for the most part it’s just weird, bizzare stuff I can’t help but chuckle at like Flip having gills on his leg or being able to surivive freezing tempratures while not moving at all. See this works better than the spy episode in terms of what the fuck or to a lesser extent schooled because while it is fucking bizzare.. it works and it’s just swining so hard for the fences, it hits the moon. With the other two one didn’t bring it up till the end and the other just.. suddenly annoucned Royal Woods is next to canada and that lincoln taking a boat there was feasable. This just works for me.  So Lisa takes him to the conference, with Lincoln and Clyde joining in to serve snacks and promote the food and fuel which works, I also like the gag about them being late because they argued about what Science Casual meant. Lisa shows off this monstrosity and gets praise.. and a shady scientist asking if  she can use flip for her experiments which lisa talks him into and Flip agrees to because, like his agreeing to lisa’s experiments he likes money and tasks the boys with running things.  Naturally handing a miracle of science over to a shady science lady you know nothing about backfires and lisa trying to search incognito labs just blows up the computer.. somehow. Don’t think too hard about it. But LIsa finds lily petting a rat and soon finds the rat comes from flip begging for help. And upon spying on the lab, Lisa finds that flip is basically being tourtured and feels she did no better which.. no. While she did use him as a test subject, she also did so with his full consent, and for free publicity. She didn’t harm flip as while she subjected him to a lot of crap NONE of it harmed him like Ingognito’s experiments are. This attempt at a moral dosen’t work when Lisa , while still seeing only flip for his achivments, did nothing unethical. Flip willingly signed on for this and was never once in danger. And look medical trials can be unethical epsecially when people are deseperate. I get that. But here Lisa did nothing wrong and given her usual tendency to ignore scientetific ethics, that’s a lot.  Lisa goes to the boys for help and together they all sneak in and free flip in a decent sequence using various stuff from flips. The doctor for her part, as she was planning to shoot flip up into space without a suit to see if he could surivive because evil, gets blasted up. So yeah.. this episode ended with a 4 year old, an old man whose apparently a mutant of some kind x-men or otherwise and two 12 year olds having killed a woman. 

And then they all just.. have flippees for aj ob well done. I mean yes the lady deserved it but still.. you all just killed someone! YOU SHOULDN’T BE ACCEPTING THIS. WHAT JUST HAPPENED. AND WHY DOSEN’T SNAKEBIRD HAVE HIS OWN MOVIE. EPISODE OVER. 

Final Thoughts on Blinded By Science: This one was okay. Insane, VERY insane, but okay. I’ve seen way worse, from this very season but man is it weird and man is that ending just... 

Yeah that takes it down a bit but overall really enjoyed this one, Moving on. Real behind and got four to go so

Band Together: I think I have one of my many reaction images that says it best here:

Given i’ve seen pretty much every Luna episode, she’s my faviorite and i’ve been blatant about that,  and all of them are pretty good, I had high hopes for this one. And it STARTS promisingly enough: Luna is rocking out with her band which finally has a name! The Moon Goats. Which I like a lot: Besides reminding me of the objectively awesome Mountain Goats, it fits thehir personality and also reminds me of fellow teenage garage band goat cheese pizza from Zits... I miss when that strip was about teenagers and not two old men yelling about teenagers. Metaphorically. Point is I like this and my recent scott pilgrim kick means this is even better. We also find out Scoots is a huge fan of the band. Which is fantastic. Why an old lady with questionable morals is their biggest fan I do not know. We also get a band prank and fully names for the other two: Sully, the guy and Mazy the girl. I mean their not given MUCH character, Sully likes to bash his head on the keyboard and Mazy is uh there. And that is one of the episodes downsides: Despite being the first episode with Luna’s band to NOT focus on just Sam... the rest of them, and Sam really get to do nothing. The fact Sam and Luna are together dosen’t even factor into the plot. I honestly think it’s what removes the episodes punch, that we don’t KNOW these characters and thus LUna posisbly leaving them behind has no weight.  In contrast the series actually did something similar with little build up but made it work with the episode where Leni’s friends are trying to make her choose between them: Her mall coworker friends or her school friends. While we didn’t KNOW her school friends like the mall ones, the episode took time buliding them up so we got why Leni loved both and why this was so unfair to make her choose between them. Here it’s just two well designed carboards and a sam. And without the stakes of it possibly impacting Luna’s relationship, which I don’t want obviously but at least we have a stake in at this point, there’s just.. not a lot. Plus the solutions kind of obvious.  But what’s the problem? The band performs for a big manager who only needs Luna to fill in for a professional band.  The IDEA as i’ve said is good: LUna being forced to pick between her friends and her career, and both sides not being happy about it. But it’s just.. wasted. Besides clearly being bigger than 30 minutes, apparently we needed the half hour slot for a caddy ghost, this story just feels slight. Luna ends up with the other band and the manager gets on her for acting like she does with her friends.. but she’s a 16 year old who dosen’t know any better. What’d you possibly expect? none of it just really works. She goes back, no one is suprised, and the only part that really works at all.. is the ending. After welcoming luna back , as their roadie at first and clearly it’s more of a joke, Chunk plays with the band and gets Luna’s spot. THAT is not a bad ending and while I”ll miss the big lug, it’s really nice to see the guy get a big break and Chunk is low key one of my faviorite parts of the show. But otherwise yeah, this was almost nothing and given how usually FANTASTIC the Luna episodes are, this one was a really huge disapointment. No need for final thoughts moving on. 

Seasons Cheatings: This is a quick one but only because there’s no real character stuff or bad parts, i’ts just a decent if contrived holiday episodes. It’s the annual family gift swap, and Lincoln wants a backpack for (insert thing he likes #37). That being said I DO like that Lincoln isn’t just into one thing obession wise as even with my tendency to hyperfocus due to my autisim, I have TONS of things I love and glom onto. YOu can tell just by my massive assortment of reaction images and quotes. So it’s nice for a show to for once NOT have a nerdy kid just have one hero they focus on. So it’s rip hardcore this time, with a fancy backpack. Why Lincoln didn’t just ask for it for christmas is beyond me and is the only thing that bothers me about the episode. Ohterwise i’ts pretty decent; LIncoln’s trying to cheat his way to victory by getting the right sister for the swap. Which really ends up boiling down to first LIly, since the parents will choose, but since LIly did her own gift this year, he then tries one of the older sisters since obviously, they actually take this seriously and have the money to get something nice with various shenanigans including lincoln dressing up like his own mother. Neat. It’s nothing amazing but it is neat.

 Naturally he forgets his own, and has to trade his gift to Chandler to get Lola a nice gift in time. Also Chandler is apparently Lincoln’s black market hookup ala hustler kid. I genuinely love everything about this from the fact it fits his character, to the fact him being rich means there’s a genuine way he can get the resources, to the fact that despite being rich and probably not needing to do this it still fits he’d do it anyway because he’s kind of a scamp. If they use Chandler more like this, as Lincoln’s sorta shady frienemy who Lincoln and Co and possibly the sisters go to for shady schemes and crookery, i’ll be fully on board with it. Plus it might finally squeeze liam out of the group and give us someone willing to hit rusty. So all good things. 

But we do get a REALLY sweet ending as Lily, having seen her big brudder sad, paints him a picture. We also get the sweet image up top of LIsa and Lucy having given each other the same gift. Overall not a bad episode. Not nearly as good chirstmas story wise as 11 louds a leapin, but with a shorter runtime and a tight premise it still works and is still very sweet. 

A Flipmas Carol: Another very simple but alirght one.. and ANOTHER flip episode. And another one I can speed through a bit more. Basically it’s the night before christmas and Flip is taking advantage of the neighborhoods desperation with shoddy merchandise.. and forcing Lynn to work off the debt for some accidnetal damage on christmas eve and day. I mean she is legally of working age so this is legal but it’s still sketchy. Which is Flip’s wheelhouse.  Naturally this leads to a christmas Carol Parody and the weird part as the ghosts resemble and act like the loud kids> This is never explained, it’s really weird especially since Clyde ghost refrences his therapist.. but given the louds were in there and are in there enough for Flip to know them well, same with the mcbrydes, it easily could be a guilt induced hallucination or simply the ghosts taking a familiar form so i’m not going to dicker over it. It’s weird but you know not sudden super spies, golf ghosts or childrne comitting murders weird and as I mentioned up top, holiday episodes get a little more leway with me in terms of weird shit. not by a lot but by just enough. 

So they take him through what you’d expect: The Past gives Flip a sympethatic and well done origin story: Flip had a date with the girl of his dreams, but lost out due to a comination of Scoots selling him bad goods and bad tickets in middle school and vowed never to be hurt again barney stinson styles. The present shows him the consequenceds of his actions on other people’s christmas including whatever he gave the louds to make christmas dinner having turned into some form of abomination, causing him to actually feel guilt. The final one shows him having died, buired alone with no one to care in a ditch with a pizza box and having lost everything due to his practices. It ends how you’d expect, he goes to eveyrones houses and fixes things before giving the loud kids present and clearing lynn’s deabt before that happens. Not much to really dig into here, just a pretty good specail. Both of the christmas episodes are good, and while again not as good as the first one aren’t bad themselve.s 

So yeah overall this crop was okay. No real standouts, but outside of Band Together nothing bad and even that had extra scoots, luna’s band getting a name and that cheeks suish. All in all not a bad batch feels good to be caught up. Until next time courage. 

#the loud house #christmas #lisa loud #lincoln loud #clyde mcbride #luna loud #sam sharp #saluna #chester monk #scoots #flip #rattus #lily loud #lola loud #lucy loud

[ninja-go-to-therapy]

Kat Watches Mighty Med

27 seconds in and they’ve already made a poop joke. Wow.

ALSO THEY’RE BABIES?? THEYRE SO TINY???

Oh my god I forgot about the thing they did where they pretend to take a picture together. Do they not have cameras on their phones I’m so confused.

CLYDE AND WALLACE I REMEMBER THEM

Ahh token Violent Girl

She’s pretty tho 👀 and I like her style

Where do I know this chick from

Oh hey she’s Hazel from Dolphin Tale

“He won’t say a word” “Really, where are we gonna get a muzzle?” A MUZZLE YOU SAY?

“Fine, just keep him away from me” “Now we gotta get a leash, this is becoming a nightmare!” STOPPPP THINGS ARE BEGINNING TO MAKE SENSE ABOUT MYSELF

I’m sorry you’re telling me a cardboard cutout was heavy enough to trigger a nerf gun and a singular dart managed to knock a chandelier type item down?? I’m sorry no???

“You always do these crazy things and expect me to just follow you!” “Hold that thought, follow me” okay fine comedy

Also you’re telling me this superhero looked around to make sure nobody saw him go into the secret supply closet and didn’t notice the teenage boy standing in the middle of the room looking directly at him

THE SPECIAL EFFECTS WLDBEKE NOOO

Also how do I still have the entire theme song memorized. Send help.

“Maybe the extreme gravity pulled his heart from his chest down to his feet!” IM SORRY IS THAT HOW THIS WORKS NOW? I KNOW I PASSED BIOLOGY BY EXACTLY ONE POINT BUT THAT SEEMS A LIL INACCURATE

“What do you think they’re gonna do to us?”

“It says ‘now you die!’”

“Do you think they mean you or me?”

“Well it says ‘you’.” OKAY FINE THATS FUNNY

Wait how the hell did they manage to say the word “sexiest” on Disney channel

Cause the guy is holding a mug and he reads out what the mug says and word for word it’s “world’s sexiest chief of staff and vice chancellor of medical administration.” I’m still stuck on the ‘sexiest’ part how the hell did that end up on Disney channel

Sweatervest’s voice is insanely squeaky. Who wants to bet he hits puberty for season two.

“I’m gonna get a normo cage.” What’s with all the dehumanization in this show hot damn it hasn’t even been 10 minutes

Here it comes here comes the first mention of the bridge thing

“This. Is a picture of a bridge. I love bridges!” He’s so enthusiastic and for what. Was it a setup the entire time for Bridgette or did they name her that as an afterthought. Hmm.

THEY DO HAVE PHONES WHAT’S THE POINT OF THE FAKE PHOTO THING

Also bridge guy is officially a boomer. He mentioned the whole “you youngins are always on your phones” shit. Shut up I hate you now.

Hold the fuckity. So the Annihilator stole Skylar’s powers and invisible flying motorcycle. Okay cool. But he also stole her clothes? And left her standing there? IN HER UNDERWEAR? AND OLIVER PROCEEDS TO STARE INTO SPACE, THINKING ABOUT THIS MOMENT? HELLO??? I guess we know what he’ll be thinking about next time he ma— *dies*

Sorry but Gus (he’s the one that they discussed muzzling and leashing by the way) sniffing Jordan’s hair after coming up behind her all creepy-like (although it doesn’t seem to be being played in a creepo way, just a nuisance) is giving me major Doofus Drake vibes. Stop that.

“MY PARENTS GIVE ME MONEY INSTEAD OF ATTENTION” I FORGOT GUS WAS RICH AND NEGLECTED NOOO

Damn this man is straight up impaled through the chest

“We kind of have a prior commitment.” “I thought your commitment was to this hospital.” SIR THESE KIDS ARE LIKE 14 AND IN SCHOOL?????? LIKE ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL DAY?

Why are there literally 8 desks in this classroom. No class is that small I’m-

How does Disney channel think school works. Cause it’s not like this.

Why are the teen boys left alone in a surgery room with a dying superhero. They’re gonna fuck it up somehow.

DID YOU JUST PULL A STOPSIGN OUT OF A MAN’S CHEST WITH YOUR BARE HANDS? FIRST OFF THATS SO UNSANITARY AND SECONDLY SIR YOU ARE IN MASSIVE TROUBLE

Oh it’s a 2 parter pilot okay

Part 2 here we come

PART 2

“Have I ever let you down before?” “CONSTANTLY!” Lmao iconic

Okay but I’ve got to wonder. The entrance to the superhero hospital is in the regular person hospital. So like? Someone must notice these two boys coming in every day right??? Does no one question that?

Not Kaz using fanfic as a cover for why he’s talking about a superhero as if they’re real. Me too Kaz me too.

Also the twin brothers act like they’re gay for each other and I hate it

Alan is a little bitch send tweet. You’re basically making fun of someone who just became disabled (?). Sir what the fuck

Oh wow you saved her life because she was determined to see that she still had her super strength powers and almost got crushed. Give the man a medal.

Ooo best friend fight

They have photographic memory shit going on?? Damn

WHY WOULD YOU REACH INTO A HOLE IN SOMEONE’S CHEST WITHOUT GLOVES SIR YOU ARE IN A HOSPITAL

“That video has 56 likes!” Is that... an achievement?

IM CRYING WHY DID IT ZOOM IN ON HER FACE LIKE THAT WHEN SHE SAID HER CATCHPHRASE

But also “There’s a storm coming. Skylar Storm.” Has been living in my head rent free for years so thanks I guess.

This was like 2013 how does Paris Berelc still manage to pull off being a teenage girl for Alexa and Katie

KAZ IS SO BAD AT KEEPING MIGHTY MED A SECRET I STG

“It’s just the twins” wow who could have predicted the funny twin shop-owners were actually villains

———

And that’s all for me reacting to one of my favorite shows from my childhood. Wow that was an... ordeal.

#kat’s meow #mighty med #Kat watches Disney channel

[librarycards]

im super new to the idea of anti-psychiatry and if u have a chance/the time or energy i had a question as someone who is seen as “treatment resistant” & has been in the system for many years. im curious if u think that seeing a therapist/having a dr/patient relationship in any scenario is unhealthy/harmful and it is impossible to see real reward from any type of treatment like that? i dont generally have much energy to research/read long bodies of text so i was hoping i could ask! thank u!

no problem, thanks for asking! as a fellow-supposedly "treatment resistant" (im still here bitch!) person, i've given a *lot* of thought as to what an anarchist treatment model, as it were, might look like, particulalry with se/lf-harm/su/cidal dep. + eati//ng dis/orders. many people ask me this and i ask myself; it's an important question for anyone seriously thinking about deinstitutionalization + antipsychiatry. 

also, before i start, i think a great way to begin engaging with antipsychiatry is to turn a critical lens back to your own usage of language: what do you mean by "unhealthy/harmful"? that reads as psychopathologizing language in and of itself! this isn't to say you said something "wrong" or w/e but instead to point out that medico-psychiatric hegemony is everywhere, including in our critiques of it. we struggle to find a framework for our thoughts about right and wrong without framing them as well/sick; cured/diseased; sane/insane. a great exercise for someone starting out might be to keep track of some of the quotidian judgements you make and look at their indebtedness to ableist/saneist norms. 

ok, so to address your q!! below is a little long, i tried to keep it as brief as possible but if you're having trouble with it (re: having trouble with long bodies of text) please feel free to ask clarifying questions in my inbox or DMs. :)

in terms of dr/patient relationships - whether you're a materialist or a poststructuralist (personally, i'm nonbinary); whether you think the access to material transformation/isolation/etc. is the locus of the power differential there, or whether you see the locus of power in the act of naming someone a doctor or marking someone as "sick," you're going to find a clear, unavoidable hierarchy between the professional and the patient, of whatever stripe. 

the most decent drs and therapists are well-aware of this, are unafraid to name it, and are willing to act as collaborators w/ patients to engineer a liveable mode of non-compliance, to game "the system", and to prioritize survival over cure. the mere fact of having a certain type of medical/psychological knowledge doesn't suddenly render someone an evil person, nor do i think individuals are "innately" good or bad or anything at all! 

however, virtually every dr, psych, social worker, therapist, etc. is to some extent educated in a system that continues to reify medical/psychiatric conditions. this training predisposes them all to understand "patients" as "afflicted" subjects. to see us as "cases" to (re)solve. some have the courage and wherewithal to resist what in many cases amounts to academic brainwashing. most don't. all have internalized the systems of oppression embedded in scientific disciplines & the world we live in and are capable of inflicting harms based on these on marginalized patients, up to and including death. 

all this being said, let's return to awareness of hierarchy. my best dr (and current GP), as well as my most recent 2 therapists, are aware of this hierarchy. i see a doctor because, uh, i'm actually a reasonably decent fan of being alive and an even bigger fan of getting the fuck VACCINATED! and also like, participating in college and other stuff that requires check-ups. i started seeing a therapist consensually, for the first time ever, when i was eighteen and seeking primarily 1) a "gender dysphoria" dx and thus access to biomedical intervention and 2) an adult autism dx in order to get the living accommodations i needed at college. i remained "in therapy," as it were, after i no longer *needed* it, because, surprise! it's nice to have someone to talk to whose job it is to hang out with you. the notion of talking out your problems in order to find ways of dealing with them is a good one. everyone does it. i'm not currently in therapy for reasons that are probably obvious, but i certainly wouldn't make carte blanche statements of therapy's "uselessness." 

drs that are aware of hierarchy also understand that the constructions of the "treatment resistant" patient are embedded in this notion of compulsory cure. the patient becomes treatment resistant when they "fail" in pursuit of the successful cure they are presupposed to want. mind you, these are the cures drs themselves dream up for us –– hence the word "resistant". treatment resistant often = resisting medical authority. that is, noncompliant; that is, lacking insight, that is, Mad. rather than take apart the relationship between antipsychiatry and those who "can't get better" (including myself!) i'm far more interested in looking at ways to make life survivable outside the binary of sickness and health. how do the conditions under which a "patient" lives determine their resistance to treatment (e.g., is it treatment-resistant depression, or is it "i'm poor, jobless, estranged, and subjugated by capitalism"? if it's the latter, hell, who wouldn't be suicidal?). 

further, are they treatment-resistant because they object to the form or method a treatment might take? because they're traumatized? because they feel unsafe with those doing the treating? all of these are questions that can only be addressed when we make visible the dr./patient power relationship. i have had recent medical and therapeutic experiences that have helped me and even felt affectively rewarding, and recent experiences that have made me feel like utter garbage. the difference isn't that in one case, i was fixed, and the other, i was ill, but instead that some providers are willing to engage with me where i'm at and trust me as author(ity) of my own life, and others treat me like a lineage of problems that can't be fixed.

i don't know if that helped, this is more an infodump but i tried to organize it in a potentially helpful way! again, please hmu with questions. 

#survivingpsych #suicide m //// #saneism #ableism #medical industrial complex #psychiatric industrial complex #ask #Anonymous #madness #critical mad studies

[softforcal]

NASCAR!READER X FRIENDS!5SOS

the reader is a nascar driver and best friends with 5sos, they’re there for her after a crash

gif credit @ghostsofhood

(i dont know jack shit about nascar fam so here we go)

-having met the band at a party somewhere

-most of the guys there knew who you were and were all trying to pick your brain about driving and what it feels like and the danger

-going outside and stumbling across the four of them chilling out there

-you expect them to start asking you questions too but they seem to not know who you are?

-”you can grab a seat if you’d like.” one smiles, pushing over a chair

-oh, they’re Australian... that makes sense

-taking a seat and you begin talking to them

-you assume they must be famous, most of the people at the party are and those who arent are very obvious to pick out

-”so what do the four of you do? i mean, obviously you’re not here because you want a taste of the celebrity life.” you say, taking a sip of beer

-”we’re a band. i play bass. i’m Cal by the way.” he holds out a hand for you to shake and you grin

-”let me guess,” you say looking at all of them, “guitar?” you ask

-”haha, yeah, I’m Michael.”

-”okay well that makes you the singer and obviously you’re the drummer, you have the look.” you say

-”wow, four outta four.” one of the blondes laughs, “i’m Ash and that’s Luke. so we’re musicians, what do you do?”

-”im a Nascar Driver. Y/N L/N. nice to meet you guys.” you answer

-”Nascar, that’s insane, you don’t look like a race-car driver.” Michael laughs

-”what do you mean?” you grin

-”you’re a hot girl!” Michael answers

-spending the night talking to them and laughing your asses off

-you all exchange numbers

-the next day Ashton messages you about going for a drive

-showing up in your beautiful car and Ashton is shook but he should have expected that because i mean, you love race cars for a living

-you drive like a wild person and Ash is shook AF but he laughs his ass off and has the time of his life

-”isn’t it dangerous to drive like this?” he asks when you finally pull off to the side of the road to park and walk down to the beach

-”yeah but i haven’t crashed yet... so.” you shrug, “and i mean, it is my job.”

-the others hear about how exhilarating it is to drive around with you and by the end of the week all of them had been in your passenger seat

-they definitely see the allure of being a professional race car driver

-and the way you look so at ease in the drivers seat, laughing your ass off as they grab onto the door and hold on for dear life as you go up another gear... well its obvious that you are a race car driver

-you have a race coming up and send them all an invite, NASCAR loves you and it’s easy enough to get tickets for them even though the race is sold out

-at first they’re super excited

-as soon as you walk onto the track to get into your car they’re all chatting about how good you look in your track suit

-the cars line up and they can feel the adrenaline of waiting, Luke is straight up biting his nails impatiently

-the race starts and at first they’re all super excited but as it continues they start to realize how fucking dangerous it is

-a car in front of you spins out and flips, you swerve to avoid it and it just narrowly misses you

-the boys all watch in shock

-”holy fuck.” Michael groans

-you come around a curve and a car slams into your side, trying to push you out of the way

-”this is insane.” Calum groans, watching through his fingers

-you maneuver in a way to get the person off your side and they end up skidding out from being too aggressive

-you pull ahead and its obvious you’re going to win

-they knew you were good at your job but actually watching it is a whole different story

-you car speeds over the finish line and Ashton lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “fuck, that was intense.”

-the race finishes up and the guys head down to the area you told them to go so security could let them into see you

-you’re sitting in a lounge, still in the track suit

-”you guys made it!” you grin, “what did you think about the race?”

-”it was mental. i can’t believe this is your job.” Michael says, hugging you.

-they can all see you’re practically glowing. 

-they know exactly how you feel

-its like when they get off stage

-”lets celebrate your big win.” Ashton suggests

-”deal, but i’m driving.” you grin

-as if they could convince you otherwise

-you continue to be friends while they work on their new album and you chill around in between races

-each race you narrowly miss potentially savagely getting slammed or flipped and each time the guys hide their eyes or hold their breaths

-”i can’t believe it’s just a normal risk for her.” Luke sighs one day after you’d skidded but managed to get your wheels traction again and finished second

-after that one you can tell something is up with them because when they come down to see you they all look kind of wrecked.

-”whats wrong with you guys?” you ask pulling them each into a hug

-”its just really dangerous.” Cal sighs

-”we get scared for you.” Luke agrees

-”i’ll be fine. i’m a great driver.” you assure them

-and they want to believe you but they can’t because you don’t really have any control over whether or not you crash

-but they keep their mouths shut

-the day of the next race they all sit there anxiously

-Cal had looked it up and found out that this race was, as commentators put it, “going to be quite difficult for Y/N to pull off.” something about the track being “unforgiving” which made no sense to the group of Aussies who didn’t know jack shit about Nascar

-but they’re all worried as they watch you get into the car and the timer tick down

-the sound of wheels and engines erupts as all the cars take off

-their eyes follow your every movement

-its obvious that you’re the one to beat and cars are coming up next to you and swerving to tap into you but you manage to dodge every move

-but they can sense the impending doom

-they don’t know how but they can

-Ashton leans forward while Calum brings his hands up to his mouth, Luke bites his nails and Michael bites his lip

-the sound of the car ramming into you is deafening

-the skid of tires

-and then your car is flipping 

-and cars are dodging the huge metal structure 

-the car comes to a stop and the crowd is silent

-”fuck fuck fuck fuck.” Ashton mutters

-the medical team comes out 

-the car is upside down but the door opens and it feels like the entire crowd lets out a breath

-you manage to crawl out, but it looks like your leg is hurt because you’re limping away from the wreck that’s now on fire

-”thank fuck.” Michael groans

-Luke is the one who grabs them all, “we have to go.” he states as they all leave the stands and head down to the VIP off limits area

-the security guards know them by now and all offer small smiles, “she’s a fighter.” one says as they let the guys through 

-one of the workers stops the guys outside the medical room, “you can’t go in there.”

-”is Y/N okay?” Michael asks, “is she-”

-”how bad is it?” Ashton interrupts

-”she’s stable, we’re sending her to the hospital-” the worker tries to explain.

-its tough to get all the info but they finally manage to bully it out of someone and then they’re racing to the hospital

-the nurses there inform them that you’re in surgery because your leg was kind of messed up but you’ll be out soon

-”is one of you her boyfriend?” the nurse asks

-”no, we’re just friends.” Luke answers

-they’re let into your room and each take a seat while they wait for you to wake up

-”she looks so broken.” Luke says, frowning

-you groan when you begin to wake up and suddenly they’re all there, except Ash who runs to grab a nurse

-”Y/N how do you feel?” Michael asks

-”like i was in a car crash, how do you think?” you say, coughing

-they all grin and Cal gets you some water

-so, all things considered, the crash wasn't actually that bad

-just a broken leg and a minor concussion but you’re fine

-and you bet your ass these four are going to take care of you

-also... the broken leg is your right one so you can’t drive

-being the biggest back seat driver ever. like, as they’re driving you back to your place and Ashton is driving the speed limit you’re groaning from the back, “god, seriously? just go a tiny bit faster Ash.”

-”stop being such an adrenaline junkie.” Ashton laughs from the front seat

-they are in for a whole lot of pain because we’re talking 6-8 weeks with this cast on and you can’t drive anywhere

-”come on Ash, all i’m saying is slightly over the speed limit.” you groan

-Luke carries you into your place

-”so what movie do you want to watch first?”

-”you guys really don’t have to stay and take care of me, i’m not a baby.”

-but of course they do. at least one of them is over like every day

-they all give in a little to your racecar driver ways and take you driving

-Luke is the first one to break and go a little over the speed limit

-but of course it’s not good enough

-”i can’t believe you’re not scared of being in a car.” Luke says

-”i practically live in a car.” you answer, “besides, as soon as i have this cast off i need to get back behind the wheel again.”

-Luke doesn’t say anything about it but of course as soon as he leaves your place he sends a group text to the others because part of him thought that would be the end of you racing

-i feel like Cal and Ash wouldn’t be surprised

-but now that it’s being talked about it’s kinda like ‘are we going to keep going even though its terrifying because next time the crash might not be so benign’ 

-its a tough decision because they all want to support you... but, they’re still having nightmares about watching your car flip, especially Luke

-they try to come up with safe things to do to make your heart get pumping with adrenaline

-we’re talking full on getting shopping carts and running around deserted parking lots with you in the shopping cart (yes. Amnesia style fam.)

-and it’s fun and you have a laugh, but it’s nothing like being in a car

-watching bad race-car movies together at your place

-can you imagine these boys watching “talladega nights”? it would be wild

-but they steer away from the drama race car movies like Rush because they do not want to see another car crash, even if it’s on tv, any time soon

-Cal comes over to your place one day to find you just sitting in the front seat of your car

-having a real heart to heart about how much you miss driving

-”what would you do if something happened on stage and the people around you didn’t want you to preform anymore.” “Y/N we’re not saying you should stop driving-” “but you’re thinking it.”

-boi can’t argue there

-Cal gets into the passenger seat and is just like “it was bad. when your car flipped. it looked really bad. we weren’t sure... we didn’t know if you would be okay. it’s just tough for us.”

-but Cal gets it.

-he’s the one that drives you to get your cast off the day it’s done

-when you come out of the doctors office he holds out his car keys and you you grin as you take them, pressing a kiss against his cheek before jumping into the drivers seat

-only going a little bit over the speed limit

-he notices and appreciates it

-Cal continues going to your races. Ashton too

-Luke and Michael are a bit more reserved about it, opting for just a ‘she finished the race’ text from one of the other guys at first

-but finally Michael comes

-and Luke is pacing at home, the race starting in an hour, and he gives in, coming to the track

-its tough for them to watch. but they want to be supportive. because at the end of the day, if anything bad does happen, at least they’ll be right there to pick up your broken pieces

#5sos #5sos x reader #ashton irwin #ashton irwin x reader #calum hood #calum hood x reader #luke hemmings #luke hemmings x reader #michael clifford #michael clifford x reader #friend!5sos #friend!luke #nascar!reader #nascar!5sos #5 seconds of summer #all

[insphoeration]

KDRAMA RECS

(In no particular order)

Have watched multiple times with no shame: 

A Korean Odessey (Also known as, Hwayugi)

So Mi (played by Oh Yeon Seo) has the ability to see ghosts which causes her to get wrapped up with Devil King Woo (played by Cha Seung Won) and mischievous god, Son Oh Gong (played by Lee Seung Gi). As a child So Mi is tricked by Son Oh Gong into making a deal which would only benefit him. 25 years later, So Mi is the only one who can stop the apocalypse, but she can’t do it alone.

Basically one of the best drama’s I have ever watched. A really interesting plot based on the Chinese novel Journey to the West. Really interesting and complex characters as well as decent special effects. While being a romance, this drama follows the stories of the other major players involved, making you fall in love with all of them. This story is a modern spin, so it takes place in modern times while also bringing history and legends into the mix, really entertaining, especially if you’re not a fan of historical drama’s like me. 

Genre: Romance, Fantasy, Comedy, Horror

Where I Watched: Netflix 

Strong Woman Do Bong Soon

Bong Soon (played by Park Bo Young) is born with super human strength, which can only be used for good. An Min Hyuk (played by Park Hyung Sik) is the CEO of a gaming company with a target on his back. Min Hyuk finds out about Bong Soon’s strength and hires her to be his body guard, despite her finding her strength a burden. Together they are able to keep Min Hyuk safe as well as Bong Soon’s community which is being terrorised by a murderer/kidnapper. 

Fair warning: because of the mature themes of kidnapping and murder thrown in throughout by the main antagonist, this Drama may be triggering to some people. However if you skip past those parts, this drama is really cute. The thing that made me fall in love with the two main characters was not their romance but the friendship that came before it. A lot of people will tell you this drama is the poster child for second lead syndrome but I really liked it regardless. 

Genre: Fantasy, Thriller, Action, Romantic comedy

Where I Watched: Netflix

My ID is Gangnam Beauty (Or just Gangnam Beauty)

Based of the webtoon of the same name, Gangnam Beauty centres around chemistry major, Kang Mi Rae (played by Im Soo- Hyang) who underwent plastic surgery, tired of being bullied for her looks. Fellow classmate Hyun Soo A (played by Jo Woo Ri) continuously fights Mi Rae for a position she already has. Only Do Kyung Seok (played by Astro’s Cha Eun Woo) see’s Soo A for who she really is. 

This one is also one of my favourites that I always find myself coming back to. Mi Rae starts off pretty insecure but as the drama progresses she starts seeing people for more that her looks as well as grows to stop being ashamed about the fact that she got surgery. And Eun Woo’s acting phenomenal because he doesn’t even resemble Eun Woo with how smiley he is in real life compared to his tsundere character. 

Genre: Coming of Age, Romantic Comedy

Where I Watched: Viki.com

School 2015 (Also known as Who Are You?: School 2015)

Another potential trigger warning: the main character gets bullied so bad she attempts suicide which is the thing that really throws the whole story into gear.

Go Eun Byeol and Lee Eun Bi (played by Kim So Hyun) are identical twin sisters separated at birth, while Eun Byeol is cold in nature she is popular and well liked by her peers. Eun Bi however, is like a mother figure to the other kids living at the orphanage, and often stands up for others, she is bullied at school to the point of attempting suicide, which coincides with her sisters disappearance. Eun Bi, with no memory is mistaken for Eun Byeol and is taken to live life as her sister. 

This drama was crazy and kept driving me crazy, first of all the antagonist is only a high school student and yet one of the most sinister characters ever written. And while most people think Strong Woman has second lead syndrome, School 2015 almost killed me with second lead syndrome and I’m still not over it. But I still love this drama and I think it’s worth the watch.

Genre: Teen, Mystery, Coming of Age 

Where I watched: Youtube 

W: Two Worlds 

Surgical resident, Oh Yeon Joo (played by Han Hyo Joo) is sucked into the webtoon; W, written by her father. This complicates the storyline of the webtoon’s main character Kyung Chul (played by Lee Jong Suk) as the two get involved. 

Wow. Another one of my favourites and the drama to kick start my love affair with Lee Jong Suk. The series as a whole is so original and interesting but every episode leaves you wanting more, Lee Jong Suk’s charcter is so insanely complex my heart really felt for him. And Han Hyo Joo’s acting is marvellous, you coulod truly see the pain her character felt at certain times Fun fact: this drama about a webtoon is based on the webtoon of the same name. (Inception?)

Genre: Fantasy, Romance, Suspense, Thriller 

Where I watched: viki.com 

While You Were Sleeping

Nam Hong Joo (played by Bae Suzy) has the ability to see visions, usually bad, in her sleep. She teams up with prosecutor Jung Jae Chan (Played be Lee Jong Suk), and later police officer Han Woo Tak (played by Jung Hae In), to help the people plagued in her dreams. 

The first episode had me in all types of confusion but looking back on it, it was actually done really well, introducing characters and the overall plot. What I really likes about this drama was that it had me on the edge of my seat nearly the whole time, and every episode amounted to something bigger. Unfortunately this series does come with a decent about onf second lead syndrome, but not like School: 2015 or Cheese in the Trap where you’re kind of mad at the main character for choosing the wrong person but like Strong Woman Do Bong Soon and Sassy Go Go, you fall in love with both leads and you just want the second lead to also have a happy ending. 

Genre: Romance, Fantasy, Thriller, Legal Drama

Where I watched: Viki.com 

Descendants of the Sun

Brought together by unfortunate circumstance, Korean special forces Captian Yoo Shi Jin (played by Song Jong Ki), and Surgeon Kang Mi Yeon (played by Song Hye Kyo) have to work together to protect the people they love. Set in the fictional country of Uruk, Yoo’s Alpha team and Kang’s medical team learn a lot about themselves and what life is like on another side of the world. 

I’m not going to lie, I put this off for so long because I thought I wasn’t going to like it but I actually ended up loving it. This is in most part due to Song Jong Ki’s charter, when I heard he was in the military I was like ugh it’s going to be one of those tough guy gets softened up by the girl drama’s but on a much larger scale, but boy was I wrong. Yoo Shi Jin is a responsible and hardworking Captain that cares about the people around him, almost to a fault, but he’s hilarious and light hearted at the same time. And at some point the bromance got me more than the main romance. There is a reason this drama is so popular and often referred to as iconic. Go watch it! Another fun fact: Song Jong Ki and Song Hye Kyo got married in October of 2017. 

Genre: Romance, Melodrama, Action

Where I Watched: Viki.com

Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Jo 

A coming-of-age story about a group of college athletes who are fighting for their dreams, experiencing and finding love in the process.

Sorry I couldn’t come up with a good summary, the overall story is a bit hard to explain. I liked this drama although I didn’t love it. It’s cute and funny and it also deals with important topics like mental health on top of physical health. The one this that rubbed me the wrong way with this drama is the ‘thing’ between Bok Jo and the second male lead, simply because their age gap was far too large to ignore. But skipping through damn near all of his scenes, I enjoyed it. 

Genre: Coming of Age, Sports, Romantic Comedy 

Where I watched: Viki.com

Honourable Mentions:

Reply 1997

Coming of Age story that deals with a lot of important topics like friendship, sex, relationships, family and honestly just growing up.

Cute but another one where the second lead rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it’s because he played the evil guy in Hwayugi and I can’t see him as anything else but his whole thing was weird. I don’t want to spoil it but I genuinely cannot believe people thought his character was sane not to mention a good match for the main. 

He is Psychometric

Lee Ahn has the ability to see the past of whatever he touches, he uses his ability to help a police officer and prosecutor solve the mystery of the fire that killed his parents 

I honestly only watched this for Jinyoung okay, and while I was impressed with the acting by all the actors, the story would slow down right before it hit you in the face, so overall kind of all over the place.

EUN JI SOO DESERVED BETTER 

The Heirs 

Typical poor girl falls for a rich guy drama (kind of a classic)

One of my first Drama’s, you could really feel the chemistry between the two main leads, and the character of Kim Tan was so passionate it was captivating

Doctors

Medical drama based on a former delinquent who ends up being a surgeon and her mentor 

Another drama with a weird age gap 

Park Shin Hye is a badass. 

#kdrama #kdrama recommendations #kdrama review #weightlifiting fairy kim bok joo #strong woman do bong soon #while you were sleeping #w:two worlds #school 2015 #my id is gangnam beauty #descendants of the sun #hwayugi #korean odessey #reply 1997 #he is psychometric #the heirs #doctors

[parvinasseaynk72insurance-blog]

Lexus NX Cheap Insurance

Lexus NX Cheap Insurance

Lexus NX Cheap Insurance

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :COVERAGEFINDER.NET

SOURCES:

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