Sirius: I desire moisture.

Remus: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.

Hermione: Would you slap your best friend in the face for two million dollars?

Ginny: I would roundhouse kick every single one of my brothers in the face for free.

Andromeda: I know your mother didn't want to adopt the cat in diagon alley so Narcissa and I went there and adopt her for you.

Narcissa: She's all yours now.

Regulus, crying out of happiness: What is this strange liquid coming out of my eyes?

Sirius: Does having a cat make you start leaking?

Regulus: *takes one finger and licks the tears* It's salty.

Regulus: I'm salty.

Everyone: We know.

Sirius: When I was younger, I left a trail of broken hearts like a Rockstar. I am not proud of it.

Harry: You are proud of it, you bring it up in every conversation.

Remus: What if I start mixing energy drinks and black coffee?

Sirius: Hell yeah, there’s no god to stop us.

After going shopping

james: i dont see the car-

sirius: the maze is hiding it from us

James: fucking capitalism

Sirius: wanna race to find it first?

james: your on, pretty boy

Fred: What are you doing?

Charlie: Helping Ron find his chicken nuggets that I ate an hour ago.

Draco: Mother, how do I get revenge?

Cissy: The best revenge is living well and moving on!

Draco:

Draco: Aunt Bellatrix, how do I-

Bella: Knife.

(Golden trio entering Heaven)

Harry (squinting): Why are the lights so bright here? And why is there a stage- Dad?

James (walking on stage wearing Hogwarts robes and a scar on his face with a grin): Silence because the show is starting

Ron (confused): What show-

Sirius (walking on stage with a bright orange wig on and screaming): Once I make my move, the queen will take me. Then you’re free to check the king!

James (crying): No. Ron, no!

Remus (walking on stage wearing a long brown wig on and skirt): What is it?

James (sobbing): He’s going to sacrifice himself!

Remus (screaming): No, you can’t! There must be another way!

Hermione (scowling): Oh for fucks sake-

Sirius (gravely): Do you want to stop Snivellus from getting that stone or not? Harry, it’s you that has to go on. I know it. Not me. Not Hermione. You!

James (taking a bow): And scene!

Harry (red faced): We did NOT sound like that!

Hermione (groaning): We were 11 for fucks sake!

Ron (horrified): My hair isn’t actually that bright is it?

need i remind you that ronald weasley, aged eleven, didn’t know that he had just sat in ~the harry potter~’s compartment and offered half of his sandwich to this random boy on the train who he’d only just met, because he was all alone and seemed to have no food,

i’m sick of the ron slander

Draco, on the phone with Harry: Babe, come see me.

Harry: I'm sorry, I can't. I'm playing monopoly.

Draco: But my parents aren't home!

Harry: I know. They are playing monopoly with me.

Draco: What?

Lucius, on the phone: Draco, your boyfriend is so bad at this. He's gonna lose.

Barty: Did you hear? Snape was almost hit by a stray killing curse in training today!

Regulus: I know. He was faster than I thought.

Barty:

Regulus: Don't worry, I'll get him next time.

James: Reg, would you be mad if we play a small prank on the Slytherins?

Regulus: Whatever James, I'm not your father.

James: Thanks Merlin for that, I don't have an Oedipus complex.

Sirius: Who's Oedipus?

Remus: ...Some old king.

James: what’s it called when you’re, like, bisexual, but for your hands?

Remus: AMBIDEXTROUS?!

Harry: I SAID YES!!! 😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💖💖💖💍💍💍💍💍 someone asked me if i was feeling sad!!

Remus: Sirius, can you help me? all of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason

Sirius: [wearing a jumper that’s 5 times bigger than his size] spooky

James: Name a non sexual act that turns you on.

Sirius: When they reply to my sarcasm with better sarcasm.

Remus: Finally my talents can be appreciated.

remus defending sirius’ reputation and psychotic tendencies from anyone in the ootp: