#it can be difficult for me to work properly sometimes due to my adhd

[willinglyghoulified]

I've been trying to decide how I want to approach this. But I guess this is as good a way as any.

I received, for the first time ever yesterday, a tip. Anonymously, so I couldn't say thank you properly, but to whoever tipped me, thank you so so much, from the bottom of my heart.

Full blog below.

I've been struggling with content creation as of late due to stress and lack of self-confidence. My husband and I, our finances have been slowly dwindling for months because I've been searching high and low for a remote job (work from home only) and I finally found one, but they're taking FOREVER to get my paperwork in order. Long story short, I have to work remotely or not at all. So my husband is the only one working while I try to make a little here and there from art and other content.

With the recent WGA strike and the mean comments going around about artists being parasites that make their money off of other hardworking individuals with real jobs, I almost bought into that garbage. I thought, "Maybe this isn't the way I should be doing things. I know I'm limited as to what I can do to make money, but what if I'm not even good enough to be asking for money in the first place?"

I received that tip last night, and a little spark of hope in me was restored. Someone out there enjoys what I do. Someone out there wants to see more of what I can offer. How dare I give up on myself that easily when others haven't? When others are counting on me to provide them with something that they will enjoy, something that will make them smile?

My dream, which fueled my need for writing in the first place, was always to create a story that someone else could look forward to reading when they're having a bad day, with characters they could love and/or relate to. I write fanfiction because it has always been my hyperfixation (I have ADHD/Anxiety, untreated) so sometimes it's really difficult to write original stories. I stopped at chapter 4 on an original that I've been wanting to write and publish one day, but I haven't made it very far since then.

This was the tiniest push that I needed to send me back in the right direction. So this is a super long way of saying thank you, and you don't know how much that meant to me.

#not fallout #discussion #tip #blog talk #content creation struggles

[mauve-studies]

Tips for Studying When You Have ADHD/Never Learned How

Hi everyone! I have a few tips that I’ve gathered over the years to help cope with your brain not working like everyone else’s.

1. Find a way to turn part of your brain off.

For me, this means having something that is stimulating in the background, like a podcast or loooong video. I really like stuff like Critical Role, if it’s too funny it just distracts me so I recommend something serious but not really important to know.

Conversely...

2. Find a way to turn your body off.

I do this by crocheting. It’s like productive stimming, it’s fun, the progress mounts super quickly, and you can redo something over and over if you need to. I use this time to listen to something important. Because my hands and eyes have something stimulating them, my ears are free to listen intently. This is when you should listen to an audiobook or a recorded lecture.

3. Don’t read and have someone speaking in your language at the same time.

That’s a recipe for not understanding either thing and having your time be wasted, essentially. If you’re reading, keep any background to something that you can tune out but still have in your mind, like lofi or classical music. Sometimes I’ll even use albums that I’ve listened to hundreds of times because my brain goes on autopilot for those.

4. Keep your workspace as busy as you need, but don’t let it get cluttered.

If you are a maximalist like me (or love hoarding stationery) your desk might be a little... much. And that’s okay! As long as you can work with visual stimulation. This comes down to personal preference, but if you know that having few things helps your focus, try to downsize, or vice versa!

5. Structure your study time and plan your breaks.

Structure is so important for my mental health and function, so I always recommend it to others. Plan your study time, lay out what you want to learn by the end, and have some sort of timer or cue for when it’s time to take a break. I recommend short breaks every 90 minutes or so, and a long one after 4+ hours. If studying in tiny chunks doesn’t work for you, don’t do it! If you need bigger blocks of time that’s totally fine, don’t feel guilty about not being able to focus properly on 10 minute sessions.

6. Repetition is soooo important for conceptual things.

Math and science can be especially difficult for people with ADHD due to memory problems. It is very important that you work at these problems and repeat them over and over to get the concept memorized in your long term memory so you can reach it continually. So, do your assigned problems, do the other problems in the book, find some on Khan Academy, and do them until it’s ingrained. It’s so worth it, I promise.

7. Set your own deadlines and STICK TO THEM

If your procrastinate until the 11th hour and then produce decent work, I completely understand and see you. However, work with your executive dysfunction and trick your brain. Set deadlines for yourself and rewards for sticking to them, punishments if you don’t, and actually enforce them. Maybe if you don’t finish your rough draft by Thursday night, you have to finish it before you can FaceTime your friends. If you do finish it on time, call and play some games together. It helps to have a study buddy to keep you accountable and set deadlines with so you can both motivate each other and be accountable. ***Be very careful to not let this affect your mental health!!! Do not burn yourself out and lose your friends, your mental health comes first!!!***

Finally

8. Do not beat yourself up for not being entirely productive all the time.

You are human. You are already at a disadvantage due to your brain’s chemistry. Work with your brain, don’t berate it. Eat some candy or drink some Gatorade to give it the dopamine it needs to keep focusing. Take down time for yourself. Let yourself have free time to just exist, practice regular self care and hygiene. You are strong, valid, and brave for going against the odds and pursuing learning at this disadvantage. I am very proud of you, and I know you can succeed.

#studyblr #adhd culture #adhd studyblr #actually adhd #adult adhd #adhd problems #adhd tips #study aesthetic #study tips #study notes #study #ref #important #study motivation #studyspo #advice #self care #learning #dark academia

[thevirgodoll]

Is it possible to be neuro-typical and still have mental health obstacles/issues? Like honestly…I am AWFUL at self-discipline. I lack focus and sometimes I have to force myself to finish things (even if last minute). But, I genuinely, truly, deeply at the bottom of my heart, DON’T believe I struggle with any mental disorders. Whenever I do research for things like adhd and what not, and I interact with fellow classmates with adhd, I don’t find myself relating to those issues on a deep profound level other than lack of focus/discipline and occasional anxiety.

It is definitely possible, but I think you're comparing yourself too much to Internet articles and your peers. I will give you facts just for your own convenience and you can decide on your own. It doesn't hurt to think about it.

Everyone with ADHD represents differently, considering there's ADHD Inattentive Type, ADHD Hyperactive-Impulsive Type, and ADHD Combined (that's all of it together, which is me!). This creates a stark difference in all of us with the disorder. Primarily Inattentive especially presents drastically different due to the low population of those who have it. It creates imposter syndrome, when it's not any less debilitating. There are even uncommon symptoms that go under the radar, that we didn't even know was ADHD.

Another thing to consider is if you are POC, AFAB, or identify as a woman, it's severely under diagnosed in these populations due to the stigma. And to speak to my demographic, Black women, we do not notice there's something off until we find difficulty in late adulthood due to the ableism and bias in healthcare. Most BW will believe ADHD is something different than what it actually is, and avoid getting knowledge from the right sources (because most are for children, or little boys...). We downplay a lot of our symptoms with mental illness.

The thing is, ADHD is specifically unique because it's a disorder that is neurologically based and developmentally based.

Let me explain executive function!

Executive function helps us manage time efficiently, switch between tasks without conscious effort, problem solve, avoid impulsivity, retrieve information, and regulate emotions. ADHD impacts the development of executive function through neurological structures of our brain, so that becomes executive dysfunction - peep this comic from ADHD-Alien to see it in a situation played out. And another!

I like to use the analogy of neurotypical's dopamine neurotransmitters (thousands of them) completing their job at work while ours don't even show up, even though they really want to. Here's an example of how severe the symptoms are in a comic from ADHD-Alien.

Therefore, it's a deficiency in dopamine and norepinephrine. This is why medication becomes important for a lot of people with ADHD to bring it back up. Beforehand, self medication is usually an issue, through other stimulants like coffee. The low chemicals in our brain will cause those of us afflicted with ADHD to seek stimuli to compensate for that, usually involuntarily.

Tasks with high stimulus are more attractive to our brains. What has some sort of incentive is at the forefront of your brain, and that's why you're not able to do things that you should do. Your brain legit screams, "Do something else, or I'm turning off!!!" This is also why those of us with it have endless amounts of hobbies because we go through various phases of what is the most interesting.

Before diagnosis, most people will be told they're lazy, just need to try focusing/try harder, or that everyone has this same problem. That is all due to professionals not advocating for ADHD properly, having a view that ADHD is just a little boy kicking, being hyper, screaming, and a belief that ADHD is tied to poor academic performance/low intelligence. This all prevents people from seeking treatment and creates internalized ableism. This also leads to feeling like the ADHD diagnosis is invalid due to childhood symptoms being suppressed until adulthood.

I must also mention... it's well known people with ADHD WILL have AT LEAST one co-morbidity... which means it can attribute to the development of these disorders if the symptoms go unnoticed. Depression, OCD, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Substance Use Disorder, and more. Autism and ADHD counts as well, and often people have an overlap because they are basically brother and sister in casual speech.

A lot of us were already diagnosed with a co-morbidity, anyway. So our brain already had to seek chemicals and that can make it even harder for diagnosis to occur and make it easier for misdiagnosis or increase risks. ADHD also creates the likelihood of suicide, doesn't matter the age bracket.

There is a lifetime prevalence for other disorders for those of us with ADHD either way, because of how difficult it is. So, even if you feel you may be "milder" in presentation, that's not invalid, and don't be put astray by TikToks or Twitter posts. Know your facts and be careful, because social media will say everything is an ADHD symptom, when it's not, especially TikTok. They will also use the wrong words or invalidate less common symptoms. Don't buy into that.

TL;DR: Though you may have mild anxiety to begin with or depression, my concern is that executive function requires the ability to self regulate. Through this you have the ability to essentially force your reward system, so that way you can prime your brain for a greater reward in the future. Anyone with executive dysfunction has a deeper problem than they realize, and I would've been doing my brand of mental health and improvement a disservice if I didn't at least try to define the reasons why you should also consider that you may display lesser known symptoms. Even if you are neurotypical in your world view, mental illness has been defined so concretely by certain people that it becomes confusion. I can tell you're having difficulty. It seems you're having trouble either way with something, so you should seek services if you are able, as well as think more about what's been going on lately.

#answered

[selfwriting-sugarquills]

70 Fred Weasley headcanons in celebration of 700 followers:

(plus an extra one, for the heck of it lmao) 

You guys, thank you so much for 700 followers! I appreciate every single one of you and writing for the twins has been such a blast so far, much to the thanks of all of you <3 

Find the 70 George Headcanons: Here

Fred has always been really good at sleight of hand stuff, as a kid, he could do card tricks with ease, steal baked goods from his mother’s kitchen and later on since his allowance wasn’t exactly anything to brag about, he’d steal sweets from honeydukes' on Hogsmeade trips, with the help of George, he’s not proud of it but in his defence, he was a stupid teenage boy at the time. 

Fred is incredibly competitive and will hold onto anything you challenge him to for way longer than you might think. He’s definitely the type to “race you” anytime you’re headed to herbology, care against magical creatures or Hogsmeade together.

As the man himself said in the deathly hallows, Fred doesn’t like the idea of a big grandiose wedding ceremony, he’d prefer something more low-key and simple, where the focus is more on having fun and celebrating instead of neat seating plans and meticulously chosen decorations. Some flowers and booze will do, he’ll provide the fireworks - In essence, he only needs his S/O and the rest he couldn’t care less about. 

George may be better at cooking, but Fred makes a damn good pancake and he will forever pride himself on that. 

Fred is the more jealous, overprotective twin. He’s aware of this and tries his best not to let it go to his head but he can’t help it. 

Fred snores, I’m pretty sure it’s canon that both twins snore, but Fred is louder and, as mentioned in my last headcanon post, a very heavy sleeper meaning it’s more difficult to get him to wake up so he can stop, your best shot is trying (and probably failing) to turn him over. 

Fred is also a very restless sleeper, he’ll toss and turn, and occasionally dream about quidditch. I’m saying you might want to be aware that he might confuse you for a bludger in his sleep, don’t worry though, he’ll always apologise profusely and make it up to you with a lot of kisses (and maybe a bit more than that, if you’re keen ;)) 

Fred has an extensive caffeine addiction, which is unfortunate cause he’s quite hyper already but he can’t function properly until he gets his coffee in the morning, and then again in between lessons/at lunch and then again late in the afternoon. Sometimes, if he needed to write an essay that was due, he’d drink coffee at like nine pm. He knows he won’t be able to sleep because of it, please, Y/n, he’s accepted his fate. 

I personally always imagined the twins as having ADHD, idk why it just fits their characters. Fred is for sure the more outwardly fidgety and intrusive, this gets less and less with age, as it does for a lot of ADHD people, his inability to focus remains the same though. 

Fred loves being outside, he’s the first of the Weasley siblings to suggest a game of quidditch or just going outside for walks, hide and seek in the woods near their house. He absolutely loves taking his dates on walks in parks or at the beach and when he has kids he plays with them in their yard, building snowmen etc. 

Fred probably suggests at some point that the whole family should go camping, and he’s actually really fun to camp with. He’ll tell the best scary stories by the campfire. 

In regards to children, Fred wants a lot of kids. Like at least three but would be willing to have more if his s/o wants to. He just really likes the dynamic of a large family since that’s what he’s used to. 

Fred’s favourite flavour of sweets is anything sour, the sourer the better, because of this he can handle it really well and he loves handing people some of his ridiculously sour candy and watching them squirm. 

He also really likes spicy food, he’s a bit of a daredevil so don’t challenge him to eat anything because he will eat a whole chilli and nearly die. 

 You know he’d be really casual about it too, lol, like sweating and crying but just leaning on the counter like “*pant* what? hot? no not at all *deeeeep breath* I can ha-aw-rdly taste it!” 

One thing about Fred is that he’s oddly squeamish, like seeing his brother’s ear blown off isn’t so bad (if you don’t take into account the emotional trauma that is), but a needle for a blood sample or a vaccine? oooh, he’s gonna need a big juice box and a cookie and his s/o’s hand to hold if he’s gonna make it through. He also has a thing about leeches. One time at Hogwarts they were mentioned in a lesson and he thought he was going to faint the entire time. 

Fred’s broken five bones over the years, four are from quidditch: his left arm and two ribs, and then the other arm from trying to do an elaborate stunt on the stairs in the burrow and falling down two flights. 

Fred loves to sing karaoke (because I cannot get that damn clip of James singing karaoke out of my head) though he particularly enjoys doing a very poor job on purpose. 

Fred is such a good liar that on several occasions he’s given presentations in school and gotten good marks for them despite having bullshat his way through the entire thing. 

Like seriously, he’s that guy in the group project who only looks at the slides like five minutes before the presentation and then just turns on a full charming newscaster voice on the professor to the point of them being genuinely convinced (albeit a little confused) that what Fred’s saying is true. 

This is also why Fred loves playing card games like poker: he’s really good at bluffing. 

Speaking of poker-face, he’s really quite good at teasing in public (if you’re into that sort of thing *wink*) because no matter the dirty deeds he might get up to under a table, his face remains as regular as always (safe for a little smirk to his lover every now and then) 

Fred always wanted to learn an instrument, he thought it’d make him cooler when he was a teenager, as an adult, he just really wants to recreate that clip of the trombone-playing dad with the sunglasses, or maybe serenade some cows with jazz or something. 

Fred was never a big fan of the uniform thing, so he always tried to make it his own, whether that be tying the tie differently, or having his sleeves rolled up; it’s not much but you gotta take what you can get when you’re literally dressed the same as everyone else. 

Fred might make fun of his dad’s interest in muggle things but secretly he loves it too. He has spent a lot of hours in the shed with Arthur, assuring everyone that it was just to have some quality time with his dad but he would still pay close attention when Arthur explained things to him. 

Fred had a whole business of selling candy from Honeydukes’ and joke products from Zonko’s to second and first years before he and George started dabbling with their own products, he could get you a butterbeer too but it’ll cost you an extra three galleons. 

Fred really likes glitter, George has a thing for lace, anything that glitters on his s/o makes Fred weak. If you want to get your way just put on some glittery eyeshadow or lipgloss and watch him spin. 

Since he loves things that glitter and gleam he loves buying his s/o jewellery, he loves seeing them wearing them as little tokens of their relationship. 

Did someone say slight possession kink? oops not me

Fred is incredible with numbers, this is pretty much canon and has been explored but I’m just amazed at this boy’s wit AND intellect. I have a slight headcanon that if he ever goes on a proper first date with someone where a bill is involved, he impresses his date by calculating the tip after just a glance.

Even if Fred has a longstanding reputation of not caring about school, when he has kids he does want to help them with any coursework over the summer and Christmas breaks, he’ll even study up on his old books just to be able to help out in any classes he didn’t take/didn’t pay attention in. 

Fred would, in general, be an amazing father. He’s goofy and playful most of the time, though he’s serious and incredibly caring whenever his kids are in a bad mood or have problems. He knows that he’s not the most outwardly emotional of the twins but he makes sure his kids know they can always talk to him about anything. 

Fred is incredibly messy. His room is usually a cry for help and he only cleans it when it gets to the point where it distracts him from focusing on work. 

No worries though, his S/O doesn’t have to do all the housework for him, he’ll do it. He just needs to be reminded that he needs to every once in a while. 

Fred has a really bad temper, he doesn’t know where he gets it from but he tends to get angry easier than George, though Fred is better at letting it out so it doesn’t continue to bother him. 

His bad temper does mean that he used to brawl more with siblings as a kid, and it wasn’t unusual to see him with scrapes and bruises as a kid, much to Molly’s dismay. Fred didn’t mind though, he thought it made him look tough. 

Fred is more likely to get caught sneaking around because of his brash nature, he tends to forget just how quiet you have to be to avoid Mrs Norris in the corridors. 

Fred is certainly not an early bird but his favourite time of day is, in fact, the morning when the sun’s coming up. He only knows this because of Wood’s ridiculously early quidditch practices but there’s something about the way the world looks when it’s bathed in soft golden light that just hits different to Fred. 

Fred is a great team player, as much as he seems like he’s more selfish than George, if it’s regarding a team activity (like quidditch or a battle of sorts) he’ll completely lose all focus on himself and only try to ensure other’s safety and victory. This is also why he plays as a beater, he’s not afraid of getting hit at all when he’s focused on getting the bludgers away from his teammates. 

So if his s/o ever needs it, he’ll be there to help with anything: Needs to take a day off from work to take care of his sick s/o? no problem. Needs to stay up with his small child because his s/o is exhausted and needs rest? On it. Something as small as carrying groceries or books, making a cup of tea when the other is busy or doing the dishes is all on the list of things that Fred will happily do for his s/o, and often without having to be asked, he’ll just do it. 

Fred’s boggart is seeing his family members and/or his s/o hurt beyond what he can save. Essentially his worst fear is being helpless when he needs it most. 

One of those times was when George lost his ear. The first night when George was lying practically unconscious on the couch with blood everywhere was the worst night of Fred’s life, he truly felt so anxious and helpless and angry that he vomited and ended up passing out next to the couch after staying up till sunrise watching his brother like a hawk. 

He didn’t just sleepwalk when he was younger, he also often experienced nightmares, it’s only George, Molly and Arthur who remembers anything about this. 

They got less and less the older he got and he assumed that he’d never be bothered by them again until after the second wizarding war and the battle of Hogwarts. 

I don’t like to headcanon that he dies cause he didn’t and that’s final lol. I do, however, headcanon that Fred still gets hurt, since everyone in the explosion beside him seemed to sustain minor injuries, I just think that to even out with George losing his ear, he hurts his leg and needs a lot of retraining/a walking stick. I think that’d be a more fair/unfair ending for Fred who’s always full of energy having to have to adjust to living slowly for a little while (not permanently, I couldn’t do that to my boy). 

The boy has anxiety sometimes, ok. (just let me project for a second)

He didn’t know how much tension he usually holds in his body until he drank alcohol for the first time and felt his entire body loosen up and was like “huh this is new.” 

He doesn’t use alcohol to deal with it though, he prefers just talking to George about whenever he feels is stressing him out and that helps. A massage from his s/o to loosen him up doesn’t hurt either. 

Fred prefers to talk to his dad about his problems more than he prefers to talk to Molly, generally. 

His favourite body parts on his s/o: Shoulders, hips, hands. 

He loves to kiss, just in general, but he also loves kissing his s/o’s nose, forehead, neck, shoulder, etc. as little gestures of affection. 

He def. has a bit of a size kink, he loves being taller than his s/o. 

If Fred could have any pet he wanted, he’d probably want a dog, the bigger the better. He doesn’t think he has the time for a pet though. 

It was his idea to start breeding pygmy puffs, it’s the closest he’ll get to having a pet. 

I don’t know why but I feel like when Fred and his s/o are expecting and his s/o goes into labour he just panics. loses it, drops the binkie as we say in Denmark: Freaks the fuck out, if you will. He’s definitely the pacing and wringing his hands together type, though he probably tries his best to keep himself composed and chill during the whole thing whilst simultaneously hyperventilating. 

Fred doesn’t cry often but he sure as hell wept with pride when he held all his kids for the first time. 

Despite the notion that the twins often slip in a joke version of a sweet treat or something similar amongst the snacks at parties, Fred is strongly against tampering with drinks. He knows the connotations it holds and he doesn’t want anyone to be afraid they’d put something in it. If he wants you to test out their truth serum or a love potion, he’ll just ask you flat out and if you don’t want to, he’s not going to continue asking. 

Most of the detentions Fred has gotten from Snape come from times he’s spoken back to him when Snape’s been giving another student a rough time. He doesn’t regret it one bit. 

 If you ask Fred what his proudest accomplishment is, he’ll probably say that it’s having had enough restraint to not punch Umbridge in the face every time he saw her. 

On the note of Umbridge. It wasn’t her detentions with him that got his blood boiling, it was when she punished little kids (a la Nigel) for doing practically nothing, he understands that to an extent and by comparison, setting off a bunch of fireworks inside a building would harbour a harsher punishment, but making twelve-year-olds bleed for running in the halls or playing music or just doing things that twelve-year-olds will inevitably do, is something Fred doesn’t understand. That year pretty much any kid younger than him, or anyone who was too afraid to stand up for themselves, became Fred and George’s little siblings, and they’re very protective older brothers. Umbridge can vouch for that. 

He struggles with a lot of insecurity in his relationships, he always puts on a front of being extra funny and outgoing when he’s in a new relationship because he’s secretly afraid that the way he is isn’t good enough and that eventually, his s/o will see through him and leave because they don’t like the softer, more serious side of him. 

Fred is the godfather of all of George’s kids but is also the godparent of Hugo, Lily and Lucy. 

Fred loves business meetings, he sees them as a good challenge to practice his smooth talk. 

Fred spent his first salary from the shop on the most expensive bottle of champagne he could find and a new suit. 

Fred tried to get into whiskey, feeling like it’d make him a cool business owner type of man, so, with his second salary, he went out and bought a fancy-schmancy bottle of whiskey and the whole getup with a bottle and some cool glasses, and then invited Lee over to try it with him and George. 

They did not like it. Fred thought it tasted like what he imagined gasoline tastes like so they mostly used it as decorations, not having the heart to mix it with something. 

Fred doesn’t necessarily like PDA, it depends on what you mean. He likes being secretive. Pulling his s/o into an empty classroom, nook, hallway, secret pathway etc where anyone could wander in at any time and snogging her senseless is one of his favourite things to do. 

Fred knows how good he looks in his quidditch uniform and will absolutely use it against his s/o. (they’re gonna get spicy from here on so read with caution if you're in public)

Fred prefers giving more than receiving oral. 

He has a lot of energy, did you not think that would rub off (no pun intended) on his sex drive? He can go pretty much any time and place, and typically last at least two rounds. 

Also, his favourite position is having you on top. Okay, I'm gonna stop now. 

#selfwriting-sugarquills 700 follower celebration #fred weasley #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley headcanons #fred weasley fanfiction #weasley twins #weasley twins headcanons #hp headcanon #harry potter headcanon

[lunarmessenger]

Can u do prompt 52 with either Saeyoung or (GE) Saeran saying it to MC/the reader? I have adhd so i tend to ramble and im always nervous that im annoying and talk too much, especially since i tend to repeat myself in order to rephrase what i've said in a more understandable way... if that makes sense. That last bit's probably irrelevant haha... ^^"

Ah- see what i mean? Lol... anyways it hits close to home and i would appreciate either of the choi twins -- or both! But i dont wanna burden you with too much haha, so just whoever works out better for you :)

Love your writing <3 <3

Of course!! My fiancée has ADHD as well, and I can’t imagine how it feels sometimes. Her little quirks that she has though because of her ADHD are adorable though, and I’m sure yours are just the same, honey. I’ll do both just for you! - luna xx

707

You sat behind Saeyoung as he worked at his computer, small bags beginning to form underneath his eyes from lack of sleep. He was handed a rather difficult job by Jumin that required some complex fire walls on a new program, his brows furrowing every now and then as he mumbled underneath his breath.

Being with him meant that there would be weeks, almost a month or two of distance due to his projects, and you knew this going into it. Yet, there were times that you couldn’t help but have your little impulsive moments and unfortunately, this was one of them.

A small giggle left your lips as you found a meme on your phone, looking up towards Saeyoung who was still busy typing away.

“Saeyoung...is it alright for you to take a quick look...?” You softly mumbled, the tone of your voice making him do a soft smile as he peeled his eyes away from the screen.

“Sure, MC. What is it?” You excitedly showed him, the two of you laughing as he pat your head.

“That was a good one! Let me know if you see anymore.” He meant well by saying that, really he did. But he didn’t think that you were going to pull him away every five minutes to show him a meme; some of them he didn’t really find as funny as you but laughed anyway. With each meme you showed him came a mini tangent of a memory, or event that it reminded you of, the sound of your voice bouncing around his brain.

It got to the point where you were so excited that you didn’t even wait for his confirmation, pulling on his jacket sleeve as you shoved your phone towards him. The action caused him to mistype, causing him to lose about half an hour’s worth of work. He couldn’t help it; his brain had been battling between listening to what you were saying while doing his work that he just...broke.

“Ah! MC! Why did you do that?!” He snapped, brows furrowed as he looked down at you on the floor. You twitched from the sudden tone of voice, eyes wide with worry as you looked between the monitor and his face.

“What...I...what happened?”

“I pressed the wrong key and now...! I’ve just lost so much work; I have to do it all over again!” He groaned, slamming his hands down on his desk before hanging his head and gripping his hair. You immediately stood up, phone tucked away in your back pocket as you used your hands to grip your arms.

The guilt made a couple of tears pool in your eyes, purposely avoiding his irritated gaze as you looked down.

“I’m sorry I...I let my excitement get the best of me. I didn’t mean to be annoying and mess you up honestly I...I’m sorry!” His irritated look quickly melted at your hurt tone, his hands reaching for you right as you dashed down the hall to get to your shared bedroom.

“MC!” You slammed the door behind you, running to the bed and burying yourself under the covers. You couldn’t be mad at him; if anything you were more mad at yourself for not keeping your actions in check. After a few minutes you heard the door open, biting your lip as you kept your eyes shut.

Slowly the covers were pulled away, and you felt his warm arms snake around your waist and pull you close. He burrowed his face in your neck, his lips pressing a soft kiss to the warm area as he sighed.

“I don’t think you’re annoying…I know…I don’t…I really like listening to and hearing what you have to say even if its a lot sometimes..” His voice drifted off as he continued. “I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I promise after this project I’ll take a break so we can have some time together, okay?” He mused, and that alone was enough to make you turn over in his arms and look at him.

“Are you sure?” He smiled, his eyes full of warmth as he nodded and pressed a kiss to your lips.

“I’m sure. I promise, MC.”

Saeran

The both of you had joined Zen and Yoosung for a day in the park; Saeran was still a little wary with everyone so you wanted to soften up the awkwardness with small get togethers. It was a picnic type deal; Zen and Yoosung were passing a soccer ball back and forth a few feet away while Saeran helped you set up all the food. 

“Guys! Food is ready! Come eat!” The two immediately ran to the blanket, Saeran handing out the small plates you’d packed with some silverware.

“Thanks! I’m so excited, I bet you make the best food MC!” Yoosung exclaimed, hurriedly filling his plate with some food while Zen chuckled and offered you a small smile.

“Yeah; I’m really happy we get to try some of your cooking.”

“Aw, thanks guys.” The praise made you blush while Saeran took your hand in his, sending you a soft smile as he nodded.

“I can confirm; they are truly an amazing cook.” All of you chatted endlessly; you were so engrossed in the conversation that you hadn’t realized that Saeran was slowly drifting from the conversation. It wasn’t that he was suddenly disinterested; it’s just that he was still struggling with his mental health, and sometimes too many voices all at once became too much.

“MC...?” He piped up softly, but he went unheard as Yoosung cracked a joke, all of you laughing together while Saeran shut his eyes to try and focus. He was overstimulated, and his thoughts became jumbled as he struggled to get the right words out without hurting anybody’s feelings.

“MC.” This time he was more firm, but still you weren’t hearing him. He grew frustrated, biting his lip as he tried to take deep breaths. Zen had barely noticed Saeran was trying to speak, about to tell you and Yoosung to calm down. But it was too late, Saeran’s voice coming out as a yell as he finally caught your attention.

“MC! Can you please stop talking for five seconds?” Everyone froze as you stopped, looking at Saeran as he looked away. The light mood was suddenly filled with tension, his leg bouncing from anxiety while you cleared your throat.

“Sorry, Saeran...” You trailed off, Zen and Yoosung awkwardly putting their empty plates down and grabbing the soccer ball.

“We um..we’re going to kick this around for a bit. Come join us if you want to.” Zen spoke up, making eye contact with you. You furrowed your brows as he gestured his head towards Saeran who was fiddling with his fingers now. You gave a slight nod back to him, turning towards Saeran and gently taking his hands in yours.

“I’m sorry, Saeran. I should have realized, I...I didn’t realize I was being annoying.” Your choice of words made his head shoot up in anger, brows furrowed as he furiously shook his head.

“No, MC! I don’t think you’re annoying…I know…I don’t…I really like listening to and hearing what you have to say even if its a lot sometimes..” He let out a sigh, leaning his head against your shoulder as he continued speaking. “I just get overwhelmed. I appreciate you setting up these little gatherings so I can get to know everybody better, but sometimes it can be a bit too much if they’re not spaced out.”

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t express myself properly. I promise that I won’t snap at you like that again. Maybe we can come up with like...a code word? I don’t know...” He trailed off as he blushed, a small giggle leaving your lips as you cupped his face in your hand.

“Of course. How about we pack up and go home? We can talk about it more then.” You suggested, and that was enough to ease his anxiety as he pressed a small kiss to your cheek.

“Thank you, MC.”

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger headcanon #mystic messenger short #707 #luciel #luciel choi #saeyoung #saeyoung choi #707 x mc #luciel x mc #saeyoung x mc #saeran #saeran choi #saeran x mc #707short #rayshort #lunarmessenger #i hate to say it but i've pulled a 707 on my fiancee #but i'm learning haha #sorry this took so long!

[shortcutsanddeadends20]

God. If this isn't the story of my life.

I've contemplated on doing this for a while now.

Who am I?! I am Krystal. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am 34 years old. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I was also diagnosed as a child with ADHD. I am a stay at home mom and now also a caretaker for my mother. I am a consultant for an "MLM" and I love my business but for me, it is not substantial. I am the wife of an apprentice ironworker.

The last year has been hard. Just over a year ago, I got laid off. We also found out we would no longer have the option for the childcare we had at the time. So, at the time, I filed for unemployment with intentions to return to work after a while and once we could figure out something for childcare. Then covid hit. When covid hit, not only was I unable to return to work but at the time, my husband was also laid off( ironwork slows down in the winter)... Well... He didn't go back to work until August due to covid slowing down job sites further.

In July, my mother suffered a cardiac arrest, I won't go into details on this post but now, I have had my mother living with me since then. She suffers short term memory loss and I am responsible for dealing with any and all doctors appointments, giving her all of the medications she is on, making sure she eats, doing her laundry etc etc. I have absolutely no issue doing this however, it is now made it impossible for me to return to working outside of the home. I am in the process to try to become a paid caregiver( don't @ me, if finances provided, I wouldn't want to be paid, unfortunately, our household needs two incomes and this is one way to ease that burden from my husband solely) as well as mass applying for jobs that I would have the option to work remotely.

We have struggled, more than we ever have this year. To be totally transparent, we've fallen behind on bills and just recently had our car repossessed. We are trying desperately to catch up and cut back on things where we can.

Right now, 6 days before Christmas, we have only two presents for our kids right now.(thanks to some help, this has changed since I started writing this) I know it's not the meaning of Christmas but making it special, especially for my kids and loved ones means a lot to me.

Needless to say, this year has been a crapshoot. I've watched people all around me have loved ones die, just recently lost the only grandpa I ever had, people lose jobs, lose homes, struggle to pay bills, people spew hate about covid, the mask mandates, the shutdowns, the government, the protests, people say that racism isn't real then say something racist in the same breathe. Spew hate about the lgbtq+ community and abortions and the list goes on and on.

Wanna know my true thoughts?! I FUCKING HATE the lack of compassion and empathy this world has. I am someone who loves everyone, even if I disagree with you. I tend to keep my mouth shut because as one of my best friends once told me "you're a people pleaser"... Yep, hit the nail on the head with that one. Well here it is and I don't know how who will end up reading this and what they'll think but I don't really care and anyone who truly knows me, knows I am a damn good person, with a good heart.

I voted for Biden, because I believe we have a better shot at life getting better with him in office then we otherwise would. Yes, I educated myself and made my choice based on my own views.

I believe that Covid is real and can be dangerous to those with underlying conditions or those who are older, which I have many loved ones who fall in those categories and I would rather take the precautions if it means keeping them safe. I believe in wearing a mask, properly, because me wearing one and you wearing one REDUCES the risk of catching it. It absolutely blows my mind how it is so difficult to do one small thing to minimize risk for other people, ya know that compassion thing?! Or those who say "it only kills old people or people with underlying conditions" UM why is ANY life dispensable?! Why do they not deserve to live just as much as you or I do?! Or how about those who, while yes, they may survive, will have long term, possibly lifetime damage from it?!

The protests?! Systemic racism is VERY much real, the mistreatment/brutality/murders of ANY person of color happens WAY TOO OFTEN and it needs to end.

Same goes for the LGBTQ+ community. They are tormented, mocked, treated differently, judged and worse.

Abortions. Sometimes, 100% necessary, do I, personally, believe in someone using abortion as a means of birth control, no, absolutely not HOWEVER what someone else does in their own life, with their own body... IS NONE OF MY FUCKING business. I am also well aware of the many, many reasons why someone may have an abortion and that sometimes, it is the only option and still... It is none of my business. Yep, I said what I said.

These are just a few things I wanted to touch on here, my depression is the worst it's ever been, and I felt maybe writing some would help alleviate some of the unbearable weight I have been carrying. It is definitely helping, and I will continue writing although I don't know who will see it, who will care enough to read it all the way through and what's more, who will judge me, look at me differently or whatever. But honestly, I don't really care.. These are MY truths and those who truly care for me will be by my side no matter what, they won't leave me or judge me, even if my truths are different than theirs.

[seawitchkaraoke]

There’s a lot of things that would have been easier in my childhood if my parents realized that all three of their kids had adhd and if they had understood precisely what that meant and what we needed and not just as “this is the reason [my older brother] is bad in school”

Obviously I can’t just blame them for that. My older brother DID get diagnosed with adhd and yet no medical professional at the time pointed out that it often runs in families. No one suggested to get me and my younger brother evaluated. No one suggested to look into whether or not my parents might have adhd too (my father apparently does, though i don’t think he’s diagnosed. He just eventually worked it out). My mother got practically traumatised by how my older brother’s adhd was handled. He got meds, but they didn’t fix anything (because meds do not!! teach skills!), he actually got exspelled from school at one point, (which in retrospect was the best thing that could have happened, since that school is just objectively the absolute worst, I legitimatelly do not know anyone who went to that school who didn’t get fucked up by it one way or another). He went to a boarding school and that helped SO MUCH bc there was so much more structure there. He did well! He’s figured it out, he now years later went for an adult adhd diagnosis and of course he has it, duh, but he’s doing well. I’m proud of him. But none of his successes are thanks to how his adhd was handled bc it just fucking wasn’t handled!

Me? I did well in school, so no one ever even suspected I might have adhd (even though. again. my older brother was diagnosed and it’s highly genetic). But clearly, since I was a girl and doing well, who cares if my room is a mess and my homework gets done the morning before it’s due (if at all), who cares if I only study the night before an exam, who cares if I’m sometimes disproportionally hurt by things people say, that’s just being a teenager right? She’s just a bit lazy, whatever, she gets great grades, no need to worry, no need to ask her if maybe she would like to reach her potential, no need to figure out if she isn’t just lazy, right? She’s fine, she’s smart, she’s fine. (of course if they asked me i would have said i was just lazy too. i would have said i’m fine too. I was and still am very good at lying to myself and i needed to be the smart one, i needed to be fine)

My younger brother though? There’s no excuse there. Maybe he didn’t struggle as much in school as my older brother did, but he did struggle in ways that now that I know shit about it, are very obvious signs of adhd. And yet. He only got diagnosed at 18. At least he’s seeing a professional somewhat regularily as far as I know, so maybe they’re teaching him skills as well as giving him meds? But idk precisely and either way, it should have happened way earlier than this. And partly that’s on my parents for not realizing that something was up and getting us evaluated but mostly it’s on the people treating my older brother bc they fucked it up with him and scared my mom away from seeking any help in that direction for us. Instead she brought us to a alternative “medicine” practioner who have us some nice homeopathy stuff, that did absolutely nothing apart from maybe some placebo stuff (which can be powerful in it’s own right, but it sure didn’t cure my adhd). The practioner was very friendly. I liked her. A psychatrist would have helped more.

Anyway, this got away from me, but I’m just so sad at the thought of what my childhood could have been if my parents had known and understood what my brothers and me needed. Hell, if my dad had understood what he needed! Like clear schedules in place for when to clean and when to do homework and clear systems for just how to do that! We had rules that we all had to clean our rooms on saturdays, but that was so difficult every single week and my parents assumed I was just being stubborn and eventually gave up, when what I needed wasn’t “do it or i’ll take your book away” but some system with which to work, or a way to gamify it.

Just in general my mother (and honestly my dad too, much as i love him) always assumed (and often still does) that when she told us to do something and we didn’t do it, we were being stubborn or even purposefully trying to annoy or hurt her. Part of that is due to her own mental health issues, but some of that is just the deep lack of understanding on how adhd works. It’s not that we don’t want to (i mean sometimes it is, obviously, like we were kids come on), but usually it’s that we can’t. We just. Can’t get up and do the thing and you yelling at us won’t help.

Anyway. I don’t know where I’m going with this, just..... german mental health professionals have got to do better in, idk, making parents not fear their kids’ condition and educating them on it properly. And I really wish I could have an open and honest conversation with my family about adhd and how to handle it, since swapping resources could probably be immensly useful, but now there’s so much baggage around that topic that it’s hard to even bring up.

#adhd #parenting #idk this is just a rant #but like. if they had understood there's so many things they could have done! #there's ways to gamify chores that would have helped immensly #but instead we had to all figure it out on our own

[garden-uprooted]

“One body, two souls” (( god I can't imagine there being any personality that'd be worse to fuse Spinel's with than Dom's and vice versa and I MUST hear what your take on what that Hell Fusion would be like is omfggggggggggg ))

Send “One body, two souls” to see what I think the fusion of our muses would be like // Still Accepting!

Gemstone Name & Reasoning: Mookaite (yes I KNOW there’s no reason the gem would change since Spinel’s the only Gem in the fusion, but finding the gemstone for the fusion is half the fun, shut up-) 

Okay so I KNOW the name sounds weird, but I NEEDED a specific feel for the fusion to fully WORK, y’know? Their fusion would lack ANY sort of Spinel’s typical restraint; a completely wild free spirit. I needed a gemstone that encouraged the release of inhibitions and made you set your sights on things that you’d previously held yourself back from. 

“Embrace your wanderlust and let Mookaite be your spiritual compass, pointing you in the direction of adventure. Awaken your true potential with the energy of this stone, and pursue the passions you’ve put on hold. The willpower that mookaite stimulates in your solar plexus and root chakras will rouse in you a desire to explore new activities. Its exciting, yet comforting energy makes for a great travel companion for those on a solo journey.”

I would go into more detail, but in order to properly do that, I’d need to jump onto the next section uwu… 

Personality:

OKAY. I HAVE SO MANY FUCKIN’ THOUGHTS ON THIS MESS WHOM I ALREADY IMMEDIATELY ADORE 

Okay okay okay, SO. Obviously they’re a pretty toxic fusion. This should go without saying- two chaotic energies in ONE body?? 

… But it ISN’T because Spinel and Lord D DON’T get along, oh no..

It’s BECAUSE they get along so SWIMMINGLY. 

Spinel is naturally impulsive and reckless, sometimes, due to Trauma TM, and also just because she’s Like That, but she HAS self-restraint. She can tell (most of the time) when she’s gone too far with something. And Lord D, while not nearly AS hyperactive as Spinel (but ABSOLUTELY is also an ADHD mess), has undoubted patience and self-control, as well. 

They’re “bouncing off of the walls” off the shits chaos lesbians, but they both know how to reign themselves in. 

While fused as Mookaite, however?

That ALL goes out of the window.

They FEED into each other’s boundless thoughts- they ENCOURAGE each other’s deepest darkest carnal desires ALL in the name of 

FUN. 

Spinel is a people-pleaser, above all. She’s LITERALLY an entertainer, and she ADORES her job/”life purpose”. She won’t hesitate to change herself or mold herself into what others want/expect her to be so long as she looks up to and wants to impress said person. 

And DING DING DING, Lord Dominator fits that criteria. Spinel gladly falls into the more submissive role in their fusion- letting Lord D pull the strings from the back (AKA, the Front). 

A little confusing? Don’t worry, I’ll clear that up a little later down the line. 

For now, let’s just say that Mookaite is THE definition of discord and madness. She practically BATHES in the tears of others- RELISHES in pained cries as she tramples over (or SLASHES through) people. Jokes? Japes? Cruel pranks? Snarky remarks? Low blows to people’s self-esteem via honing in on their weaknesses and using it against them? 

You want it, Mookaite’s got it all! There are absolutely NO remnants of Spinel’s kindness or compassion to be had. It’s all overshadowed by the desire to be ACTIVE and to MOVE and to spend all of her child-like ENERGY (that has practically no limit to it, so long as they’re fused together). 

She’s INTELLIGENT, though. SCARILY so. A force that you DO. NOT. WANT. To reckon with. If she WANTS something, she GETS it. There is no escape, so don’t even bother hiding or running. 

A MASTER manipulator and strategist, as well as wild party animal and unrestrained force of destruction. She’ll gladly restrain herself long enough to string people along- only for the SWEET sweet eventual payment of said person’s bitter tears as they either have their heart, or their spine broken. 

…However… I WILL say that, SHOULD Mookaite ever encounter someone that Spinel KNOWS (and thus most likely automatically CARES about), and the Dom part of them goes “OH, someone to hurt/”prank”!!!”, Spinel WILL go “Wait wait wait, but- but they’re my FRIEND, I’m not gonna-??” 

It’s SO MUCH more DIFFICULT for Spinel to vent our her feelings/frustrations on someone who ISN’T a complete stranger to her. All of that empathy and WANT to be somebody’s very best friend never VANISHED. It just got restrained. 

The SECOND Mookaite tries to/decides to ATTACK/HURT, say, someone like STEVEN, Spinel takes full control and unfuses at once.

Physical Appearance:

Oh, they want to make sure they can at LEAST tower over most humans they encounter. I’d IMAGINE Dom is around 5′7″, and Spinel just barely naturally reaches 5′3″ in her current form (I headcanon she WAS 5′0″ or so before Pink left her- height is intimidating), and so Mookaite is looking to be around 6′5″ to possibly JUST shy of being 7′0″. Of course, they can stretch, still, so their natural standing height isn’t all THAT important. 

Remember how I described their personality earlier, though? What with Spinel playing the more subservient role while Dom takes the reigns? Yeah, that’s coming back into play here, baybey!!! 

While Mookaite takes on Dom’s slender and athletic physique and generally uses her body as a base, their face resembles Spinel’s the most. At first glance, SPINEL would seem like the dominant in the fusion, actually. 

However, in spite of that, Spinel’s loud and proud presence in Mookaite is only representative of her and Dom’s RELATIONSHIP. Dominator is Spinel’s enabler- turning her from a loose canon to one fully loaded and ready to fire; the consequences be damned. 

So, in actuality, Dom is still, naturally, the dominant. Spinel is just her willing (?) puppet to enact out their obscene horrors. 

Their hair is styled almost exactly like Dom’s- except it’s colored like Spinel’s, and it’s an absolute jagged frizzy mess. It kinda looks like they took a pair of scissors and tried to style it themselves, to be honest; but it’s stylish in the “manic pixie dream girl” way, if you know what I mean? 

Dom’s white hair shows in white streaks throughout. Mooktaite’s entire color scheme is themed around blacks, dark magentas/reds, deep browns, oranges, and yellows, to boot; drawing inspiration from the gemstone, Mookaite, itself, and Dominator’s attire. 

They keep Spinel’s poofy bottom, but it acts more like short shorts that flow seamlessly into Dom’s split dress; which is masterfully torn and tattered just at the knees. They also keep Spinel’s gloves- they just gain a more ragged look, as well, and are styled after Dom’s elbow-length ones. 

Say bye bye to Spinel’s fuckign clown shoes, tho, they’re Dom’s sneakers, now. RIP clown shoes. Ye shall be missed. 

Mookaite’s eyes are Forever Swirly And Crazed. It makes her look like she downed ten espresso shots in one sitting and went back to the coffee shop for more. Her mascara is also There, but it’s X2. 

It’s ALWAYS running down her face- yes, actually running down her chin and dripping right off. An endless supply of messy, drippy mascara that LOOKS like they’ve been crying in it for five hours, but 

HAHA!

Mookaite doesn’t CRY! 

On the outside. 

Oh, also, did I mention the fact that they have extra limbs? Typically it’s only just two arms and two legs, but as an extra “HEY, WATCH THIS, AND ALSO FUCK YOU!!!” they can sprout another pair of arms from their back at will. And yes it makes sickening cracking sounds, because Dominator has bones that CAN make those sounds. 

Does it ACTUALLY hurt her to do, though? 

Eh. Your choice. 

Oh oh oh and NATURALLY they have sharp, shark-like teeth. Why??? Would they NOT???? Bruh they’re fuckin off the wall, they’re demonic as all hell and so basically I Love Them 

…. Oh, and uh…. Sarah Stiles’ Spinel’s New Yorker accent that tends to be more of an undertone, than anything..? 

It’s fully pronounced in Mookaite. High pitched, squeaky, psychotic Betty Boop hours, folks.

Combat: 

My fingers hurt but you know how Spinel has her scythe, Suzie? And Dom can control magma and ice/frost? AND you know how they BOTH can stretch and extend their limbs/Dom is super flexible? 

Now, I’m not saying crazy fast contortionist that can wreck you from like twenty feet away, but- okay I totally am.

Something tells me Mookaite would be MUCH more a fan of hands-on fighting, though. Sure she COULD either suit up or use Dom’s powers and Spinel’s elasticity to one-hit KO their opponent, but where’s the FUN in THAT? 

And thus where Suzie comes in. 

Mookaite is a brick POWERHOUSE- chaotic demented laughter all the while while she SLASHES through her enemies; twirling through the air and jumping on top of/off of their shoulders or heads. She’s a bratty gamer girl about it the whole time, too; mocking her adversaries for being “too slow” or “not putting up enough of a fight/challenge”. 

She’s ALWAYS looking for fights and worthy opponents- swinging Suzie around like the huge scythe is a baton and not a VERY deadly weapon. She treats her like a prized cane half the time; preferring to have her fully activated and ready to go at the drop of a hat. 

#[LONG Post] #[Out Of Laughter] #[Question Answered] #[Ask Meme] #thegreatestinthegalaxy

[oneletteredwondered]

Uuuhhhh sanders sides mental hospital au with a bunch of cliches that literally no one asked for but it's also a soulmate au????

uhh warnings for disorder talk, suicide mention, swearing?

Polyamsanders mostly

Main story line?

When Virgil was a kid his parents were nice and all, but they did punish him for seemingly random things

They had him do chores a very specific way and if it wasn't done that way, he had to do it again and again to make sure it was proper

It resulted in him having a very high anxiety disorder, both socially and in general

He found he couldn't talk to a lot of people afraid to mess up, and over thinking how he messed up

Especially when it came to his soulmates

Had never written to them, refused to look at their notes, didn't think he would be able to keep them with how he is

Does not do well in messy environments, not necessarily OCD, but close

When he managed to move out his anxiety left his home foodless, and he couldn't talk to get food, so he went hungry

Ended up a cycle and punishment system for himself

Can't talk so can't eat, couldn't talk don't deserve to eat

Someone found him passed out in the laundry room of his apartment complex

Doctors found him extremely malnourished and unable to communicate, so they sent him to the mental hospital to get better

Virgil had the absolute worst time adjusting, had multiple panic attacks every day for like a week straight

He wouldn't talk to anyone and could barely be forced out of bed to join group sessions or meal times

Barely ate anything and almost passed out again

After two weeks of straight up anxiety and no food exhaustion, he finally got tired enough to actually talk to his therapist

Dr Picani is wonderful, says things light hearted and never tries to pry. The kind of therapist to make a small joke or reference to make sure his clients aren't having huge breakdowns

Virgil does open up to him, they decide to tackle the anorexia first

It's difficult to convince Virgil he’s worthy of eating and that food should never under any circumstances be used negatively

But they manages to get him to at least eat something and that's a start

The first time Picani asks about virgil’s soulmate, Virgil has a panic attack

And every time after as well

Come to find out the word 'soulmate' is triggering to him

Sudden flashes of hunger pains and a blinding feeling he's not worth it

They start using the word heartbound

Virgil starts trying to hang out and talk to some of the other residents

Has a panic attack before he can say hi, but the others walk him back to his room and invite him to hang out later

He does, and its good for his recovery

It takes some time to get virgil proper anxiety medication, his body rejects the first two, throwing up and feeling too tired

Virgil wants to stop feeling helpless and so scared all the time, wants to start getting better

They get him on a small dose of one kind, and it works for a while

Picani convinces Virgil that even if he wants to get better on his own, his heartbounds deserve to know he exists, that Virgil shouldn't be afraid to do so

So Virgil does, with overwhelming support from people he doesn't know

He doesn't talk to them, but he no longer hides their notes from himself

Visiting/progress update day is coming up, and with Picani there to tell him it's okay, Virgil writes the address of the hospital asking them to come

He gets confirmation and is able to calm himself out of an attack before it can really start

It's a good day

They carefully raise his dosage till he can be more personable, more himself

He's shaking visiting day, a message on his arm that his heartbounds will be wearing black, blue, and red respectively

So when three people walk in, one in a black button up with the sleeves rolled up to their elbows, another in a blue tee with a design on it that looks like it could be a grandma sweater, and another in a red shirt with white sleeves and heeled boots, Virgil almost faints

There's a lot going for him and it's hard to handle

So the one in the blue sweater is the first to notice Virgil staring bugeyed at them and just knows

So they all go over to him and Virgil stands in a daze and just falls into their arms, clinging to each of them with all he has

They whisper words of encouragement and love and someone is kissing his head and hands and gosh there's a lot going on

The actual session is good, Picani tells virgil’s heartbounds his progress (eating more, anxiety medication getting to the right spot, self confidence boosted) and they are so happy and proud!!!!

Almost a panic attack when they mention 'soulmate', Virgil manages to coax himself out of it while Picani carefully explains triggers

It's a tearful and loving goodbye and Virgil is sure he might just explode because his mind had thought about this moment before and it's never been this good and this is real and oh god hes crying and now the other ones are crying and hugging him and it's a lot

He's damn exhausted at the end of the day

But he has his heartbound now, and it's okay

Eventually he does get out, better, happier, healthier, and his heartbound are 170% so ready to have him in their lives

Other character notes

Picani and Logan are brothers, Picani is older by 6 years

Picani has cute art all over his session room, also a bunch of blankets

Always has candy

Studied psychology because of his soulmate, wanted to help them get better

Turns out you can't be your soulmates therapist so oops

He likes his job a lot anyways

Logan is a history professor

He's also on the autistic spectrum

Very sound sensitive

Doesn't understand social cues a lot, not sure how to properly small talk, and ends up leaving out information that might be important

Such as telling his brother Picani that he has another soulmate who is in therapy who finally talked to him, the day Virgil writes to his soulmates for the first time

He doesn't understand why he's being teased for this

Gets in the habit of telling Virgil "this is a comfortable silence for me" because sometimes Logan will just stop and think and its.. very quiet

He also says obvious things, because honestly, it's nice for Virgil

"I find your company an enjoyable addition to my life" "this conversation is pleasant, I am just done talking now"

Hyperfixation on space and stars and history

Stims upset but clenching and unclenching his hands, happy stims by tapping

Patton works at a daycare center

Has adhd

It's hard for him to sit still and focus, can't remember a lot of things no matter how often hes been told

Has every single fidget product ever

Works best when he has three things to do at once

When he gets into hyperfocus, it's really difficult to get him out of it

Ends up skipping meals and other daily activities because of it

Wet himself once because he knew that if he moved from his spot he would never get back into the same groove

He's very embarrassed by this fact

Hyperfixates on dog and cat breeds

Roman does a bunch of shit

Acts, dances, designs, creates, anything that involves doing and 'art' has doing it

Has manic depressive bipolar disorder

His room is atrocious and there are half finished projects everywhere

He can never seem to complete anything, and when he does he hates it

His depressive episodes come about after finishing things or having not finished something in a long time

He feels worthless and that he can't do anything

His lows are not often, but they hit hard.

He's very dead to the world in such a state, likes it when Logan reads to him

Was treated by Picani too

They have all been living together for three years before getting their first message from virgil

Patton FLIPPED OUT, Roman screamed, and Logan kind of just went 'oh' but they could tell he was happy because he kept tapping his hands to his legs

At the hospital virgil made friends with the following people:

Elliot is one of the first to welcome Virgil and always invited Virgil to hang with the rest of them, no matter how many times Virgil said no

Virgil walks past the hang out room, he calls to ask if he wants to hang out, virgil shakes his head hard and runs. every day for like a month until virgil says yes.

Got really happy when Virgil said yes

In the hospital to get over trauma from an abusive relationship, flinches a lot

Declan, is, an asshole

He's also a pathological liar

has scratches down the side of his face from when one of his parents threw a vase at him

No one knows what is real name is, said is was felio, fabian, Damien, declan, dimitri, dolos, lionel, loki, belial, cody, and on one momentous occasion, Samantha

Most of the names he give a start with d, so most just call him Dee or declan, its the name he gives out most

Sometimes hell ask to be called a certain name for a day, everyone just rolls with it

Declan learned to lie and lie well due to overly strict and picky parents, it was to protect himself from them and even protect his older brother who was a lot softer than him

older brother, who is actually called fabian, is there for him on visiting day.

Will say something, wince, take a deep breath, then say the truth with a lot of effort

Writing is so much easier for him

Has insane trust issues, his name being one of them, only his family really know it

Has only told his soulmate his name

Picani knows his name, won’t tell anyone

Remy

Is also an asshole but like in a nice way?

Fucking loud to compensate for how tired he really is

In his own words, ‘has insomnia and is depressed A-F’

Wanted to kill himself

Will claim Starbucks saved his life to be dramatic, only few people know why, declan virgil and picani know

Remy is the kind of depressed where he wouldn’t kill himself because of 'future obligation’

'My parents aren’t home I could easily do it but I told them I would feed the cats and they wont get fed if i do it now’ or 'i have so much time but I told my friend i would edit their essay and I need to do that first’

Went out with friends to just dick around, got a stupid fancy drink at Starbucks, and told his mom about it when he got home

Decided he would kill himself tomorrow, he gave his friends one last good memory, told his mom he loved her, he was ready

Next day his mom give a him a 50$ gift card to starbucks, told him it’s for him and his friends because that’s the happiest she’s seen him in so long

He fucking broke down because he can’t kill himself now, he can’t waste her money or her kindness but he’s so fucking tired and so done and he can’t do it anymore

She supports him as best she can and gets him to the hospital

During visiting day she brings his friends, all wearing matching sunglasses, and a coffee carrier with like five different drinks all for him

They all scream at each other happily and they talk about how much better he looks, how much happier

His friends are the slowmo super heroes and sun and moon

No one in the hospital knows his soulmate or if he even has one

uhh taadaa! do with this what you will

#polyamsanders #virgil sanders #emile picani #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #deceit sanders #remy sanders #sympathetic deceit #fic #my post

[peacefrogg]

Being a therapist is lonely and difficult.

Let me just say, I love my job. I work with delinquent youth at the most secure facility within my state. That's the most descript I can get in terms of describing the facility. My office is on the mental health unit where I'm assigned, so I'm in the thick of it, sometimes having to get involved in restraining these youth when they're acting violently. Compared to the other facilities in the state, we look like a prison (barbed wire fences, individual cells with a metal bed frame, desk, and toilet, must be buzzed through each door by a person in the security booth). However, we are a treatment facility and in my state, juveniles are not considered to be "inmates" and employees are not considered "correctional officers." We are staff. They are residents. This is a human services field.

Side note, I know some believe that adults should never put their hands on kids. I agree. Its hard to explain this job to anybody who has never been in it firsthand. I'm dealing with extremely violent youth. Yes, oftentimes (most times) many are acting out of emotion or trauma, and it is so hard to watch when you know they're not intending to harm others or when they're trying to stay safe themselves. Intervening in a physical manner is sometimes necessary to ensure and maintain safety when these youth are actively violent. There are some staff who go overboard or use restraints in, to put it gently, an entirely unacceptable manner. I've seen it firsthand, but I've also seen how higher up within the system they are embracing a no tolerance attitude whereas in the past a blind eye was turned. However, there is a time and a place where having to physically manage these youth in a safe way is unfortunately necessary, and in my specific position I have the advantage of teaching these kids ways to prevent themselves from becoming harmful as well as standing up for them if staff become out of line. Unlike others, I know these kids are just that, kids.

Back to my original point, this is a lonely and difficult job as a therapist. I end up playing multiple roles because of the nature of the job and where my office is located. To give some idea of what the specific youth I work with are like, they are (generally) between the ages of 16-21 (can be as young as 13, though that's rare), they have varying diagnoses. Most common being ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Bipolar, and Intellectual Disabilities. Though we do often see other diagnoses such as Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Many of them are violent. Many of them have problematic sexual behaviors (anywhere from exposing themselves to others to rape). Most of them have a history of trauma and abuse.

Although this sounds like a lot to deal with, they're still just kids who are struggling, and due to the nature of their histories and cognitive abilities, it's sometimes like working with younger children. They are needy, which is understandable due to their histories. Some of them have been completely abandoned by their parents and are completely alone.

Because of my caring nature and being around them frequently outside of therapy sessions, I'm considered the "mom" of the unit, which feels weird because I'm only 29 and nowhere near old enough to be a parent to these kids. I think that line gets blurred from therapist to "mom" because I also have to be an authority figure and hold them to their daily expectations and behavioral standards when I'm outside of sessions. I have to get involved in deciding consequences for major offenses committed while they are in the facility such as assaults and sexually acting out behaviors (law states there is no consent in placement/facilities). But I also am the person they want to see the most due to the nature of my position. I'm naturally good at what I do (the one time I feel confident enough to toot my own horn) and I'm as supportive, caring, and genuine as possible, which makes them form emotional bonds/attachments toward me. So I think because I have to be an authority figure on top of being their therapist, it gives off that motherly vibe. Which in any other setting I would say is problematic because it blurs the lines of my role, but its impossible to avoid in this environment, so I have to find creative ways to navigate this.

I do truly care about these kids which is hard to work through, especially because I have minimal supervision. When I say minimal, I mean my supervisor saw me in person three times last year. So I don't have any help in navigating how to properly maintain my boundaries.

On top of this, staff do not understand my role at all. There is only one other therapist in the facility. She used to be the only one for several years, and then two more were hired but left within a year (two years ago, which is when I was promoted). Most therapists do not want to work in this environment once they see what its like and how their offices are directly on the unit and how they have to get involved in restraints (blurring the line even further). I began as a line staff for a year before I was promoted (when the two other therapists left), and I was a line staff for three years at another facility, so I knew what I was getting into. But because there is such a high turnover for therapists and because we only had one for several years, staff have never seen what my position is supposed to look like, only what they've assumed. So I get a lot of scrutiny from staff. They criticize because they have no idea how difficult this position truly is. They believe its just therapy sessions. They don't understand that I also have to be an authority to residents, work on staff development, be a liaison with various probation officers, placing counties, judges, CYS workers, write court reports, testify in court, administer assessments, write psychological and psychosexual reports, etc. I have to train staff on various mental health topics, which is rough because I'm young for the position, so I'm often looked at as if I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Its hard for me to rely on the other therapist. On one hand, shes been in our facility for 10 years, so she knows the position inside and out. It's a very political position at times, and she is a big help for that. However, she doesn't connect with the kids. She's very invalidating and unsupportive of the emotions of her residents, and she's one of those people who are always right. So the kids don't enjoy her as much, and in return, she handles that by criticizing everything I do. Her way is the right way, even though many approaches can bring about the same result. But if it's not her approach, it's wrong. She's very traditional in the sense that she's very pro-medication and mainly talk therapy. I'm more holistic (I'm called the hippy therapist, and it's not inaccurate) and creative with my interventions, because I know the kids understand it more and it reduces their anxiety, helping them feel more safe to talk about their problems. Keep in mind these kids didn't ask to go to therapy or be here, so you have to get them to buy into it on top of finding a way to get them to trust after feeling like they can trust nobody (remember, trauma and abuse histories). So although I'm effective in what I do and I'm proud of it, I'm constantly facing scrutiny from those who don't understand and judgment from the other therapist, who is also 16 years older than me.

I feel like I have these super high standards I have to meet just to be taken seriously, and since nobody else understands my position, I don't have anybody to vent to who gets me. Even my own therapist doesn't truly understand. It's a very lonely feeling. With my own mental health issues on top of it all (anxiety, depression, abandonment issues, PTSD, life-long emotional neglect), its like I have no escape. I'm constantly anxious that I'm doing horribly. I just began working through my own trauma in therapy, so sometimes I end up feeling triggered by or identifying with my residents. Which again is hard to navigate on my own without supervision. My own therapist just abandoned me (I'll save that for a later post). My friends are line staff, so their job is safety and security. I have to train my own friends on mental health approaches, and they see it as more of casual conversation and suggestions instead of training and necessity. It feels like my own friends don't take me seriously.

I co-run the unit with a supervisor of two counselors (essentially case managers who also do individual sessions to address behaviors) and two lower-level supervisors of line staff. He is my equal, but he focuses on behavioral issues and structure of the unit, where I'm in charge of mental health. He has power and control issues, so he tries to take over completely and he tries to supervise me. As if that's not enough, his wife is the other therapist so he's constantly trying to push her agenda on my unit (she works on the unit that specializes in sexual behaviors, and she and I "share" the general population unit essentially for the city thug type kids involved with drugs, guns, robbery/theft, and violence). He's super critical, which sucks because all I want is his approval and to hear that I'm doing a good job. I know I'm effective.

I know my kids enjoy me and I want to cry just thinking of how much they are growing and progressing. It makes me super proud of them because all I do is validate and support, and teach them the tools and resources they need to be successful. But they're doing it on their own and it's so heartwarming. Where that makes it all worth it in the end, its still a difficult and lonely journey.

I wish it didn't feel so lonely.

#personal #personal post #therapy #juvenile therapist #adolescent therapist #my life as a therapist #therapist #mental health counseling #counseling #individual counseling #juvenile delinquency #juvenile justice #juveniles #adjudicated youth #mental illness #mental disorder #mental health #psychology #criminal justice #depression #anxiety #ptsd #schizophrenia #bipolar disorder #trauma #abuse #emotional abuse #child abuse #physical abuse

[libraryofluna]

Do you have any tips on how to concentrate more in class? I’m in college and I just finished my first year but I did absolutely horrible. I missed so many classes because I’d stay up until like 2 AM watching YouTube videos and barely got good grades or passed exams because I never studied because I just was too lazy I guess. I want to change these habits because I’m studying to become a pediatrician and I need to stop being this way but idk how. I get distracted so easily.

Hey Anon

I know exactly where you’re coming from, I’ve been there.Now is it laziness or an underlying mental health problem? I have depression and my grades suffered when I didn’t get treatment or didn’t care for myself properly. Sometimes symptoms of depression/anxiety can seem like laziness due to fatigue and lack of interest in things, but it’s a health problem. Maybe you have ADD/ADHD? I don’t know you and your situation, so you’ll know whether or not you need treatment/therapy or just some motivation. Regardless, therapy can help everyone and I always recommend it for anyone having a difficult time with something (no matter what it is).•Getting your sleep schedule on track is a really good way to stay focused in class. Getting four hours of sleep a night is a sure fire way to fail (Been there, done that). Make yourself go to bed at a reasonable time, YouTube will be there on the weekends. Try to get at least 8 hours of sleep. Eat properly as well, aim for as much of a whole foods diet as you can. I know college students are limited on food choices (at least Americans), so at least be sure you’re eating SOMETHING. Bring snacks with you to campus to eat before class. I used to carry cliff bars with me as they gave me a glucose boost and kept me full until I could get a proper meal later. It’s hard to focus when your stomach is growling and all you can think of is lunch. Caffeine can help, but in small doses. A cup or two of coffee a day when you are really dragging is fine, but I don’t recommend chugging pots of it or you’ll be so jittery you can’t focus. Exercise can also help. Stay hydrated! Drink water! Wear comfy clothes to class. Basically you have to take care of your physical needs because your brain is a physical part of your body. Being able to focus/study is related to how well you take care of yourself. Keep yourself as balanced as possible. •On days when you are tired and don’t want to go to class, go anyway. It’s tempting to stay home, but don’t. GO! Even if you’re late, 30 mins of a lecture is better than 0 mins. Something is ALWAYS better than nothing when it comes to college. I was notoriously late for my first class of the day, no matter what/when it was, but I still went and it helped to hear even a little bit of the lecture as I had a better idea of the notes/textbooks I would review later. GO TO CLASS!!•In class I found it helped me to focus when I would take hand written notes (unless my prof was a super fast talker). I’d have to pay attention so I could figure out ways to write short hand notes. Writing reinforced it in my head because I’m a kinesthetic learner. Figure out how you learn best and base your note taking on that. •When you’re home and you need to study, turn off the TV and put your phone on silent. You can download an app that will block internet access or certain websites for a set time limit. I’d leave my phone on the charger in another room so I would wouldn’t even see it. Don’t study on the couch or in the bed, study at a desk if you have one or a table, just some area other than a resting/sleeping place. Eliminate as many distractions as possible. •Get a planner. Schedule time to study subjects based on when exams are. Write down all your exam dates and start studying for them a week in advance. Section out study times. That helped me so much because I'd always forget when the test was, seeing the times written out with study slots helped me stay focused.•On days my concentration was bad, I’d study for 10-15 minutes, then take a 5-10 minute break. It’s best if you can study an hour and then take a break, but that’s not always feasible when you just aren’t feeling it. Again, a few minutes is better than zero minutes, something is better than nothing. •Make friends with the people in your classes. Hold each other accountable for studying the material. Review together. I know I’d study harder when meeting up with friends because I didn’t want to embarrass myself by not being familiar with the topics lol•Make a vision board and set a motivational picture for your phone/computer background. Have something close by that reminds you of your goals.

Lastly, (and I don’t mean any offense at this but…) how badly do you want to be a pediatrician? It ultimately all comes down to how much you want this. As a doctor, you’re going to have to put in a lot of work. Peoples lives will be in your hands. Start thinking of school in these terms, take it very seriously because the work you will be doing is very serious. I don’t know if you’re in America or not, I know some other countries you go right to med school after high school. If that’s the case, you really need to take your studies seriously as you’re learning how to care for people. If you’re American and/or have to go through undergrad first, you really need to take your studies seriously because getting into med school is tough. Either way, if you want it bad enough you’re going to have to reach deep inside you to that fire, that passion that sparked your interest in becoming a doctor in the first place in order to force yourself to get there. Bust ass now (in a healthy way) so you can get to where you want to be in the future.When I struggled to focus at my desk, I’d look at my vision board and think about how I needed to sacrifice some of my free time now so I can be set in the future. I wanted to get into this lab program more than I’ve ever wanted anything, so I let my desire for it fuel me to take better care of myself so I could perform better.

My brother and I always joke, like when we can’t open a jar or something, we’ll say “you gotta want it!” I started using that as a motivational phrase (and it makes me laugh thinking of my brother lol).You’ve just gotta want it. 

You can do it Anon, you’ve got this, I believe in you!💚

[babaleshy]

I’ve been diagnosed! (plus: a suspected learning disability)

So while I actually have EFD (Executive Function Disorder), the legal diagnosis is actually ADHD, but to change the legal term a little to accommodate what’s really going on with some of us would require a whole fucking restructure of just... everything.. so I have no idea if it will ever be legally rearranged to where EFD can be considered a legal diagnosis.

Ever since I found this out and figured out how my brain worked, I had an easier time figuring out what I had to do to manage or live with it. A very big thing for me is a to-do list on a dry-erase board (to conserve on paper-usage). I’ve actually gotten so much shit done. However, sometimes actually starting or switching tasks can still be difficult, but it’s not so damn disabling that I’d need medication.

I don’t hate on anybody that uses meds. However, it’s not affecting me in such a way to where I’d need it. I’m also not guaranteed to always have access to meds due to a number of reasons. So in my case, I think it’s best for me to simply learn how to manage and live with it.

Now for the learning disability...

I have a high suspicion that I may have dyslexia for a number of reasons, and I’d brought this up with the counselor (yep! I finally got to the clinic and I’m being seen!). Unfortunately, he is not equipped nor experienced enough to be able to properly test me, so he sent an email to his supervisor to find out of the services at this place may have someone I can be referred to for this, or if there’s someone in the area that I can see so I can be tested. I also made it very clear to my counselor that if there isn’t anyone that I can see in this area, I don’t mind going all the way to Pittsburgh for this.

It’s important that I find out everything that I can about how my brain works and why it does what it does so that way I won’t have such a shit time looking for a damn job or have a horrible time going back to school and struggling. It’s mostly a weird memory issue and sometimes reading comprehension issues.

Now, while I don’t know for sure if I have dyslexia, I am obviously aware of my memory problems, and this has seeped into my hobbies for quite sometime. If it has been a prominent thing in my life (Dragonball Z, for example), then I don’t have a problem with it. But I used to be into all sorts of comics and I couldn’t recall most of the stories because... it’s almost as if my brain doesn’t have the room for all of that. so I’ve devised a plan:

Get into three big, important hobbies so there’s room for other important stuff. And this isn’t a permanent thing. This is for like, the next few years. The big three are paleontology (because I want to be a paleobiologist), X-Men (mostly the comics are my main concern), and horror, though thanks to many little subgenres, I’m sticking with mostly monster horror stuff.

So... Being unemployed and living with my parents despite being married, what could be so “important” in my life? Well, I plan to do some serious gardening on this farm, and I’ve never done it before. I want to be able to retain as much information on this as possible as I do this. So I need the room for it. I’d also like to raise houseplants, too, starting with the easy-to-care-for spider plant, as indoor houseplants might be just the thing to help a bit more with my physical health.

I should also mention that I’m supposed to apply for Medicaid, but they require you to do it over the phone, which blows. I haven’t had the chance to apply yet because of a lack of time at the moment. But once I do apply, I hope I can see a doctor NOT in this area about endometriosis and maybe even getting a partial hysterectomy so I don’t have periods anymore. I’d like to not have to plan my life around a week and a half to two weeks of agony because I have an organ I’m never gonna use. And before anyone says it: I’ve been on the pill before. It fucked me up bad in the head and made my period even WORSE. I want this piece of shit organ out of me. I don’t give a shit how much “less of a woman” people will view me as if I get rid of it. Fuck this uterus. I want it GONE.

That’s it for my update for now. Toodles.

#personal #mental health #efd #dyslexia

[krixwell-liveblogs]

Deltarune asks

Did you ever end up going back to do the card suite puzzle in Deltarune? Just so you know, if you didn’t you can still go back to do that since the last save in the game is before you fight King. I’d recommend checking the prison elevator again before doing that though.

I haven’t gotten around to it yet, or replaying the game in general. That’s a good point about the save, thank you!

As for the prison elevator: Since finishing the game, I’ve been hanging out in the Deltarune channel on Lore’s Discord server, where I found out about Jevil. I’ve heard he claims he “can do anything”, is based on some clown stickers, and I found out yesterday how you find him. Apparently his fight is supposed to be pretty good, making up for some of the flaws in the King fight? That’s definitely another thing I want to check out, yeah.

After reading your Deltarune post, I'm so upset that you didn't mention Kris's soul getting sent to the Birdcage at the end.

Pfft! I certainly missed an opportunity there, yeah. :p

Maybe I would’ve made that joke if I had been in less of an “I just want to finish the game and go to bed” state of mind at that point. And in more of a Worm mindset.

"Heroes of Light? I don’t know, I don’t think I’d peg either of them as having that aspect." Foreshadowing the tweest ending much? Heroes of Light have a certain, ha, 'passion' for not losing.

Hehe.

Y’know, if the theory I’ve seen going around about Kris ripping their own soul out to stop us from stealing their agency and their story is right, I could actually see that as having to do with the Light aspect. I’m not sure what class it’d be, though. Maybe that reflects more on the player than on Kris, making us Vriskas Thieves of Light.

You know what did foreshadow the ending, though, that I totally called? The character overview specifying that Kris’s body contained a human soul.

Toby Fox had some things to say about Deltarune you may or may not want to read: http://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1sqn3p9

Alright, let’s see what the Fox has to say:

1. "Is this a sequel? What's going on?? I'm scared..." Please don't worry too much about that. Actually, I'm worried if people worry too much about "what it is," they might not be able to properly enjoy it... (laugh) I will say that basically, what you're seeing here is not the world of UNDERTALE. UNDERTALE's world and ending are the same as however you left them. If everyone was happy in your ending, the people in the UNDERTALE world will still be happy. So, please don't worry about those characters, and that world. It will remain untouched. To rephrase that, DELTARUNE's world is a different one. With different characters, that have lived different lives. A whole new story will happen... I don't know what you call this kind of game. It's just a game you can play after you complete UNDERTALE, if you want to. That's all.

...alright, fair enough. I don’t trust that it’s not connected, especially through Sans (metanarrative timeline agent that he is) and maybe Chara, but it does seem to be an alternate world.

2. "I have questions I want to ask about the story..." There's a lot of questions I'd like to answer, too. That's why I have to make the game. Please wait until then.

A game dev’s equivalent of Robert Jordan’s “read and find out”.

3. "When will the next chapter come out?" This is a difficult question. When I made the demo of UNDERTALE, I made it to prove to myself that it was possible to make a whole game alone (with some help with the art). Because I was able to make it in a few months, I felt that I had proved that it was possible. However, making the demo of DELTARUNE... took a few years. So, given the length of the rest of the game, and how long I'd be willing to spend on a project (7 years maximum) I think the answer is that it's actually impossible to make this game.

I wonder how many people he’s working with. Maybe that’s the solution to this issue, to outsource some of the work to people he trusts.

Lots of things make this game harder to make than the last time. - The graphics are much more complicated and don't play to my strengths (black and white battle graphics were easy...) - The battle system is much more complicated due to multiple characters (I'll write about this later) - The overworld and other sections are more complicated due to multiple characters - Having multiple main characters is much harder to write especially introducing everyone properly in chapter 1 - The entire town had to be created correctly on the first try to set up properly for the rest of the game And further things outside of those: - Trouble starting tasks/concentrating and general difficulty paying attention - Travelling / other responsibilities like translation/ports - Self-doubt / burnout regarding the creation of the game Essentially it's not possible to make this game as one person (and Temmie).

Oh jeez, it’s only him and Temmie Chang?

Also, “Trouble starting tasks/concentrating and general difficulty paying attention” sounds like ADHD to me. I can relate heavily to this point.

However, it MIGHT be possible to create the game if I'm able to make a team. So I'm going to try making a team. Because I really want to make this. But I may not be able to succeed because I have no experience successfully directing a team and I have no idea who I'm going to work with.

Yes, good. That sounds a lot healthier.

I’m sure he can do it. In a pinch, I know he knows people who can probably give him pointers on team leadership, too, over at What Pumpkin.

Since I haven't started assembling the team yet I have absolutely no estimation of its completion. It could take up to 999 years depending on the efficiency level. By the way, I currently plan to release all of the chapters at once after we complete them. I'm not sure how long that will take. You'll buy all of the chapters at once as one purchase. That'll be the only option. I'm not doing pre-orders because I don't like those. It just seems like the best way not to burn anybody. Price is unknown. It depends on how long the game is, and how much it costs to make... I don't know anything about what consoles, etc. it'll come out for because by the time it comes out we might be on Playstation 14 or something. So... in short, I have no idea.

That’s all very fair.

4. "Is this the game's final design? Will you change anything?" It's possible I could change things. This is basically a demo. I might even change this first chapter before release depending on how development goes. This is really an excuse to talk about the parts I think had issues. THE BATTLE SYSTEM: I think the battle system could be explained better. I had a super duper long explanation of things here but really it boils down to: 1. UT's system is incompatible with multiple party members but I wanted to do it anyway because it's cool 2. I'd like to make it so for pacifist players, characters won't have to "defend" so much Oh. The people who tested the game thought that the TP system and animations were cool so it's not all bad. By the way, did you notice that getting close to bullets makes enemy attacks end faster? It doesn't work for every attack, but...

I didn’t notice that detail, but I do appreciate the way it adds to TP without having to defend. But I found myself defending a lot anyway just because it was the only thing there was much point in doing with the characters in question sometimes.

I do feel like there wasn’t enough to use the TP for, but that seems like something that might change as the characters develop more skills over the course of the full game.

EVERYTHING ELSE: I thought everything else was OK. Actually some parts were kind of lazy, like finding the key pieces, but oh well. The UI had some things that could be changed too. When making a game, there's so much to do you have to draw the line somewhere. That's why I need other people to help me (laugh) Oh, and I have no plans to add more content to the first chapter.

5. "Will there be multiple endings?" No. No matter what you do the ending will be the same. (Honestly most games are like that, but for some reason it feels really oppressive to say here...) I think that's part of the reason why the ACT / FIGHT system feels so vestigial in this one. Oh... I'm just talking about the battle system again...

Toby sounds a lot like Napstablook in this thing.

A single ending, huh? Interesting, considering the contrasts between Deltarune and Undertale regarding whether your choices matter and whether fighting is sometimes necessary, and the fact that Ralsei explicitly asks you to do a pacifist run.

6. "I found some kind of bug, will you fix it?" Hopefully an e-mail for that exists on the website by now. Or, it would be better if you could tweet it with #deltarunebug . That would really help us and make our lives easier because tweets are easier to ignore than e-mails

Ahaha!

7. "Can I be on the team?" I'll ask you first!!! (Total silence)

The humor is picking up here. :p

8. "What's the progress on the rest of the game so far?" 0%!!! Nothing!!! I've done nothing!!! I mean, I've done some songs and written the whole story, but... Since no programming or final art has been done, it's best to just think of it at 0%. 9. "Will you do a Kickstarter?" I still haven't finished that damn Alarm Clock, are you kidding me? There's no way I'm doing a Kickstarter this time.

I assume he’s referencing a pledge reward from the Kickstarter for Undertale (that was how I first found out about Undertale, actually, though I then forgot about it until it came out) that hasn’t panned out, or something like that.

10. "The game doesn't work" / "I don't like the game" / "Will there be a version for (platform)?" Because it's a free download I'm surrounded by a forcefield that destroys all complaints and platform requests. There might be more platforms for the DEMO but I don't want to make any promises. (At the very least it'd be nice to do something for the people who bought the game on console.) By the way at the time of writing I haven't even rendered a Mac version whatsoever at all. I hope I can release it... (laugh)

I have a friend who was unable to play the game himself because (as far as I can recall) he’s on a Mac. But yeah, this is fair.

11. "Can I buy the soundtrack for Chapter 1?" Yes! You can buy it at [ http://tobyfox.bandcamp.com ] And other forms of distribution will be in the works too. I'm writing this in the past so I don't know what I just said. 12. "Any closing remarks?" (No one asks this, but...) Thanks for playing my game. I hope you liked it. For the past 3 years I've been waking up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep because I've been thinking about the scenes that happen in the game. Even though so many details are still hazy, I really want to show you the things I've been thinking about. That's really my only reason for making this game. If I don't show you what I'm thinking, I'll lose my mind. (It was actually a totally selfish motivation...)

...interesting. Looks like we’re in for a ride when the full game comes.

Not that I was really doubting that.

By the way, I was really worried at first about making this. The expectations for my next work would be really high, so high that I knew that no matter what I did, I felt like people would be underwhelmed. If you played "UNDERTALE," I don't think I can make anything that makes you feel "that way" again. However, it's possible I can make something else. It's just something simple but maybe you'll like it. See you in ?? years... OK? Don't forget.

My audience probably won’t believe me if I say I won’t, due to my history of bad memory, but I don’t think I will.

And yeah. Especially when you’re connecting it to Undertale and its characters, people are going to compare the two. But even if Deltarune isn’t quite the same hit as Undertale was, it’ll be worth it, I’m sure.

#Worm #krixwell liveblogs #Arc 15 #chapter 15.4 #15.4 bet #asks #Deltarune #Undertale #Homestuck #adhd

[arodrwho]

adhd??????

constantly reading books instead of paying attention in class from elementary through hs

kept having to reread pages in my textbooks bc they wouldn't go in?

haven't read an actual book in uhhhh months

staying still is often actually properly physically difficult. like, i can, i am right now, but Oh Boy if i've already started wiggling and wanna stop sometimes i Just Can't Do It

hard to focus on audio stories unless i'm doing sth mindless?

......regularly went on tumblr during online video class bc was bored

had a Lot of trouble getting to sleep as a kid, and staying asleep (though that could just be autism)

socializing makes me......a lil wired if i'm not super anxious. like i get all. nonstop talky and bouncy and aaaAAAA and mayb that's related

have never been able to stick to my guns on anything, ever (except writing in hs). languages. dropped. stories. dropped. habits. dropped. resolutions. dropped.

almost always with the last-minute papers, but maybe that's the autism

forgetting to eat, though that also could be the autism

super messy as a kid. just super super messy (and fairly so as adult too), but again, related to exec dys from autism maybe?

have, uh, never been v good at taking criticism? like. it makes me super angry, and then super upset. especially if i feel like i'm being corrected or like someone thinks i'm wrong in any capacity, like holy shit

forget kids in timeout like, literally so much

used to lose my library books all the time

lose my phone constantly (so much so i got a blanket w/pockets to keep it in as a present a couple years back, explicitly for that reason)

easily frustrated, but that's an autism thing too so who the fuck knows

i do the thing when ur cleaning where u bounce from thing to thing to thing

yeah i'm gonna do that thing!!! [thing arrives] .............hghg effort. nvm

interrupt ppl

have in the past forgot. bills & needed reminders FUCK CASE IN POINT PG&E IS DUE SOON fuckin whoops

history of impulsive decisions a lil bit but not like a lot bc anxiety

spaced out as a kid like so much (dissociation though? or autism??)

god. never shut up as a kid, hyperverbal as fuck, and maybe that was partly not getting the social rules of when to be quiet, but also i mean like also. was hard. to hush

miss simple mistakes in work bc don't. proofread

have short special interests sometimes that're maybe closer to hyperfixations?

does forgetting words go here? or is that Only autistic trouble with making the words go?

forgot homework so much in elementary, like physically in my desk, and in later grades + college would forget it was assigned

writing works better when i have music in my ears? like, Enter The Focus Zone

in conclusion:

????????????????

[orphanedshadow]

For anyone I chat with ooc (extra info in footnotes below cut):

I don’t use exclamation points, ever. *

When it comes to talking about muses I like a sort of quid pro quo**

I will likely miss subtle clues and hints due to issues with social clues. If I do something to upset you please tell me, because I am sometimes too dense to realize that I’ve failed to human again***

I don’t usually talk about how I think your muse is unless if I’ve seen some sort of proof posted by you, or we’re talking about how events may have shaped their views of things.

I will yammer on about my muses, but I know I do that, and really want to hear you talk about yours so we can compare backgrounds or scenarios and both explore our characters together. ****

I loved the works of Sir Terry Pratchett as a child and my method of thinking while explaining things reflects that sometimes *****

I don’t usually think linearly, and it is sometimes difficult for others to follow if I’m not being careful about it. If I stop making sense tell me and I will try to explain it.******

I sometimes randomly vanish while chatting. Usually this is because I have fallen asleep. *******

*They’re just not a happy fun time punctuation for me. My brain weirdness seems to insist that they’re out of place no matter what, like some sort of foreign parasite seeking to leech all life from the sentence and replace it with some sort of false enthusiasm... the words I’d use to describe that punctuation include “suspicious” and “sarcastic.” While I don’t use it myself you are welcome to, seeing it is always a little odd (it’s like an i is trying to hide it’s identity by being upside-down, I don’t understand it)

**When I talk about my muses or we’re chatting ooc I love it if you talk about yours as well. Something I said made you think of a headcanon, then send it, your muse has a similar problem or is the complete opposite send it.

***feel free to write what you are trying to communicate with me down on a piece of paper, wrap that paper around a brick, and chuck that brick at my head. Repeat as needed until the information has sunk in to my thick skull

****I am worried about metagaming after an incident that happened almost a year and a half ago, so I like people to tell me about their muse so we can talk about that, instead of assuming things.

*****I will have little asides in sentences inside of brackets, sometimes having it set up like (initial point[sub-point1]inital point[sub-point 2 {sub-sub-point}]) and sometimes adding a few sentences in a later message for clarification (could also be due to ADHD and other brain weirdness, but Pratchett definitely helped shape it into the form it is in today)

******Think of it as if you’re doing a problem with steps A, B, and C. Sometimes my brain decides that B is boring and skips it, or that random thought D is more interesting and jumps to it. I don’t always notice that I am doing it, or my brain is under the impression that going from A to C without stopping at B would make sense to someone else. Don’t be embarrassed if I seem to be making very little sense or if you can’t see how I got to C, it’s probably just that my brain’s done the thing again

*******It is not because you are boring me, it is because my meat cage and its pilot are not the most functional of things and do not always charge properly. (long story short I lost the genetic lottery)

#error 15q21.1 corrupted: mun facts

[rhenal]

Hello again

Wow, it’s been a year now since i last posted anything here. I’m still alive, if anyone is still here at all to care. Um. Last post I did was about the status of my mental health, so I guess a follow-up would be prudent, no?

So now it’s official. I have both Aspergers and ADHD. I thought it was just ADD, but no. The hyperactivity aspect is something I very much have. It’s just that it doesn’t manifest physically - it simply manifests mentally in that my mind is always everywhere at once - that my train of thought manifests more like a puppy on its first snow day than like an actual train.

I’ve been on antidepressants for 13 months now, but I’ve only really felt any real effect from them for the last month and a half as I finally got to change med type. The first type barely helped and gave me nightmares two nights out of three, but those things were small and irrelevant enough for me to it really bring it up until now. Because for all that time, I have been searching for and adjusting to ADHD meds as well, and you only want to sort through one set of side-effects at a time. Turns out I’m really sensitive to side effects, so finding the right type and dosage took a long time, and I’m not certain that the one I’m on now is the best choice still. 

I’m still on full-time sick leave for burnout, since February 14th last year. Currently it will last until the end of August, then we’ll reevaluate from there. Hopefully I can start studying again by that point, if only at 50%.

Turns out, it takes a really long time to recover from a bout of burnout that has had five entire years of buildup. 

So what am I doing now? Mostly just being useless. Restless but without the energy to do anything about it. I barely eat these days, and my sleep cycle is just completely nonexistent. See, in large part due to aforementioned double-whammy of Aspergers and ADHD, my capacity for self discipline is basically nil. With me being on sick leave, I have nothing that forces me to get up and do stuff. There is no reason other than my own health to get up in the morning.

Add to that the fact that both my current antidepressants and my ADHD meds lower my appetite. I do not get hungry anymore. I just get tremors in the late afternoon when I’ve forgotten to eat all day. I can go entire days where I am never ever hungry, and when I finally manage to make something to eat and force myself to just eat it dammit, I can barely get half the meal down.

My doctor has actually advised me to eat small snacks through the entire day to make up for it. You know, the thing that you’re usually heavily discouraged from doing? :’)

In conclusion, my daily life is kinda shit. I’m doing what I can to get better at it all, even going to group therapy every week, but it feels like a Sisyphean effort. 

I’m too burnt out to study or work, but without study or work, I can’t really recover properly. It’s one real bastard of a catch 22.

I’d move back home, but that’s not really an option. Not now that the family’s got a much smaller apartment. I’d have to live on the couch, in a living room with no possible way of real privacy. And I’m an introvert. I am really fortunate to have a family as loving and supportive as I do, and I love them dearly - but I NEED my space. When I went there over the winter holidays, just those two and a half weeks I was there was enough to suck me completely dry of energy. 

If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear them. Because I need them desperately.

So well. That’s where I am now. 

[garbling thought-vomit about social issues and the failings of tumblr as a community below. Probably best ignored.]

So, why’d I disappear from Tumblr? Should be obvious. The state of my mental health is bad enough without having to deal with the constant anxiety of dealing with this social network. The nonexistence of nuance and the total intolerance of anything even remotely problematic. And the idea that if you like anything that has any problematic aspects in it at all, that means YOU are problematic and are to be ashamed.

It’s actually a really hostile environment for creatives. 

The pressure to be perfect and totally 100% inclusive at all times with not a nanometer’s space for human error or honest mistakes, the attitude that ‘if you’re not perfect 100% of the time always you are EVIL AND BAD AND SHALL BE SHUNNED FOREVERMORE’. 

The attitude a lot of Tumblr seem to have that the only things you are ever allowed to write or otherwise portray are essentially self-portraits because if you haven’t personally experienced it you should never ever write it ever. Kinda makes it impossible to even try to do properly inclusive work for fear of getting even a single minute detail wrong. It’s actually really really fucking hostile and I hate hate hate it. Like, I keep seeing creators of all kinds - writers, artists, cartoonists, animators and game devs alike try their very hardest to make something as inclusive and culturally diverse as they can, only to be rewarded with heaps upon heaps of abuse from Tumblr users just because they weren’t 100% perfect in every single aspect, or that their efforts were seen as ‘virtue signaling’ and are only doing it to make themselves look good and that is false and sin and to be PUNISHED.

It’s like the reward for trying your best to make something that everyone can enjoy without feeling left out is only hate and vitriol. 

(All the while creators who do not care about inclusivity at all get perhaps but a mere fraction of this abuse, I might add. It’s pretty fucking insane when you think about it.)

It’s suffocating.

And it’s total fucking bullshit.

People make mistakes. 

People change. 

And people can absolutely grow from those mistakes and be better. 

But Tumblr as a community keeps fostering this attitude that if you have ever said or done anything even remotely wrong on any level, regardless of the context or how long ago it was or how much better you have grown to be since then, once an uninformed or unthinking statement - accidental or not - always a racist. Or homophobe. Or transphobe. Or ableist. Or any kind of -ist or -phobe imaginable.

I’ve been very fortunate to not really have had to endure any witch-hunt personally, but I saw them happen all the time. And it just. Well. I got really fucking tired of it, and it further worsened my mental health by quite a lot. I just cared too much that I couldn’t stop ranting about it in my head. Sometimes for days.

So I left.

Why am I back? Honestly, I have no idea. I guess I still have a lot of thoughts about things and I’ve been really isolated this last year, so I just need a place where I can put them.

I intend to go on a bit of a purge of the blogs I follow and start with a zero-tolerance policy for witch-hunting bullcrap and other drama. 

See, I have a pretty simple, straightforward moral code. It’s often difficult to follow, due to the human brain working as it does with it’s shitty, garbage, garbage ‘us vs them’ mentality, but it is something I intend do always strive for.

No one should ever be judged for that which they can not control

Ever. That includes the entire spectrum of skintones, every single possible gender identity, sexuality, romantical affiliation, neuropsychiatric status - normal or otherwise, physical condition, place of birth, state of family or culture they grew up in. Or anything else I can think of.

No one picks the toolbox they’re born with. All that should ever matter to anyone is what they build with it.

Fuck jokes about skin colour - ANY skin colour - it’s tacky and only serves to further strengthen the idea that they somehow make people fundamentally different, and that idea can get set on fire and shot into the sea. 

Yes, there are absolutely issues with the culture surrounding differences in levels of melatonin. White people like myself carry a lot of privilege in the west, and darker skinned people of all kinds absolutely do face a lot of unjust treatment in the world. No matter what country in the world you are in, that place’s “default” - how I detest that unfortunate consequence of the human brain functioning as it does - will always carry a strong privilege compared to those who do not fit that default.  But it’s all cultural. There’s nothing inherent in looking any certain way that dictates a person’t being. It’s all the norms and values of the culture they were raised in - and cultures change. It’s slow. It’s difficult. But it is absolutely a worthwhile struggle, is it not?

And, maybe a reasonable path to changing a culture to be more inclusive is to maybe not constantly call attention to such differences? Because that only strengthens the idea that the trait pointed out is ‘other’ - not part of the ‘normal’. 

And we want to widen the definition of normal to include all of us. Right? That’s pretty much this entire community’s mission statement, isn’t it?

I’m thinking that simply acting like a trait is normal, that it’s not something that’s even worth calling attention to, does a lot to normalise that trait. To help it be included within the definition of normal. 

Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t think I am.

And then there’s the whole thing with white guilt/cultural shame or pride or any somesuch. I have thoughts. Probably pretty controversial thoughts. So I’m preparing myself for pitchforks.

Feeling shame or guilt over whatever hand you drew in the grand lottery of genetical happenstance is just really fucking stupid. That much should be thoroughly established by now. But the thing is, so is feeling pride, for the same reason. You did fuck all to affect what you got. The deeds of your ancestors have nothing whatsoever to do with you. 

You don’t get to choose your toolbox. You can only choose what to do with it.

It feels kind of weird to condemn cultural pride as a concept like this, but I do. I really honestly do. Because it’s dumb. Incredibly hard to drop, absolutely - most of us are fed with it since birth, after all - but it’s still dumb. I mean, what on earth did anyone do to earn the culture they grew up in? Nothing. Because it’s entirely out of your hands.

Treasure your culture, absolutely! Revel in it. Learn all you want and can and strive to carry it forth to the next generation, and to teach anyone who wishes to listen. Absolutely do! Take pride in your accomplishments. Take pride in what you do to carry your culture forth into the future. Take pride in what you help others accomplish. Take pride in what you do to raise public awareness of the reality of your culture. Or your sexuality. Or gender identity. Or any other aspect of your being that is being woefully misrepresented somewhere.  But don’t take pride in simply being what you are. 

Because that’s just part of the completely random toolbox you got at birth - a toolbox you could not have possibly chosen any part of.

Taking pride OR feeling shame over things that you had no hand in is something you have no right or reason to do.

Never judge anyone - not even yourself - by what they have. Judge only by what they DO with what they have.

These thoughts have all been spawned by my time on tumblr. It’s a community that wants to be progressive and inclusive, but is much too often anything but. It’s all complaining, all vitriol, all salt, all echo chambers fostering this kind of thinking. Very little, if any, actual attempts at working towards real improvement.

I remember seeing a comic that circulated some time ago. About equality vs equity. There were these three kids standing by a fence, trying to watch a game of some sport or another taking place at the other side. They were all different height. 

In the equality picture, all three kids got a box to stand on, of equal size.

In the equity picture, they got a different amount of boxes, making it so all of them could see over the fence.

But there was a third picture. One rarely included. 

This picture adressed the fence itself. It swapped the wooden fence to a wire fence. One that all three kinds could see the game through, without any need of boxes.

That’s the kind of world I’d much rather live in. One where the barrier itself is adressed. Where there is no need for boxes to stand on. 

Yet all anyone can really, truly do, is do as Michael Jackson said, and start with the man in the mirror.

We can complain. We can decry. We can wallow. But it’s all for naught if we don’t then step up and act on it.

I'm sick and tired of the ceaseless complaining without action and the oppressive feeling of helplessness fostered here. I want to actually DO something to help the world be better. And if I’m not in a position where I can help personally, I can at least reach out to those in a position to do so.

This is why I donate to charity whenever I can afford it, despite my miniscule budget of a university student on sick leave with a lot of medical fees.

This is why I endeavor to always smile to strangers, be they the retail worker at the checkout, a simple passerby or the cold beggar on the street.

This is why I am always eager to share what I know with people who may need it, be it pointers about mental health or simply how to patch up a torn pair of pants.

All minuscule, inconsequential acts in the grand scheme of things. But it’s something. It’s my small straw, pulled to the anthill. Makes me feel just a little tiny bit less helpless about all the terrible things in the world.

Because even if it’s something small, it’s better than doing nothing. Far better than simply complaining and wallowing about a problem without ever following it up with action.

I don’t even know what I’m on about anymore. I should probably stop writing. Get something to eat. Go to sleep. Bye for now, then.

#status update #mental health stuff #really long rant #disjointed flow of thoughts garbled onto a page #had a lot of stuff to get off my chest I suppose #probably ignore this