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aomineavenue · 4 years

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Homesick (Miya Atsumu x f!Reader) | 001. the unexpected.

Summary: Six years ago, L/N Y/N wouldn’t exactly say that she loves her life. It had always been problematic but her best friend, Miya Atsumu, since she was eight when she moved to Hyōgo, has always been there for her, and she wouldn’t change it for the world. However, things would always fall apart for her ever since, so she should have expected of such. Running away from her problems seemed like the easiest route to take at the time, so what happens when the past comes barging back into her life demanding answers? Will she be able to confront her demons?

Pairings: Miya Atsumu x f!Reader

Updates: irregular.

Genre: Angst, ANGST I LOVE ANGST, a lil bit of fluff here and there.

Warnings: Language, etc. (Will be mentioned once posted because I don’t want spoilers huehue)

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters except for the reader and my ideas. I do not claim any images used for content in this fic, everything goes out to their respective creators unless it is mentioned that it is mine.

Status: ongoing. | series masterlist

↩ intro | the unexpected | a mother’s nightmare ↪

mia’s speaks:

Okay, so before we start the story. I’d just like to explain that this may be a slow burn kinda thing because I fully want everyone to understand yn’s point of view after she ran away six years ago. We will eventually enter Atsumu’s point of view along the story, but for now, I hope you guys like this! Let me know what you guys think!

It had been six years and to this day, it still haunts you. Well, what they say is true anyway. Everything you run away from will eventually continue to haunt you until you decide to face it head-on. Needless to say, you were feeling pretty pathetic. Six years later, and that is still what you felt to this day. Pathetically sad.

The cool air emitting from the air conditioner set up in the living room, mixed with the early morning cold winter atmosphere that engulfed most of Japan with its beautiful white coat, brushes against the patches of exposed skin causing you to shiver slightly, silently cursing to yourself for forgetting to turn the appliance off during the night before. You had awoken too early for your liking, the sun barely peeking as you left the comforts of your bed to grab a cup of coffee. You were never a morning person, only because it was the time where you were often left with your thoughts as the time slot was usually unproductive.

During such unproductive hours, your thoughts usually consumed you. If it weren't about work or the handful of people you hold close to your heart, it often leads you to thoughts of your life six years ago. You wondered what it would be like if you hadn't opted to run away from reality a few years back during your high school years. Your train of thought often wandered to countless possibilities if you had faced your problems earlier on. To you now, running away seemed almost petty. Well, sorta.

Would you have been happy? Would they have accepted things? Would you have grown apart? Would they have pushed you away?

Sadly, you'd never know. This is only because you fear the truth so you refuse to return and seek certain answers that no doubt will only lead to ultimate disaster. You fear the consequences of your actions. To simply put, you were a coward.

You move your gaze away from the hot cup of coffee on the kitchen counter over to glance out of the window from your apartment, watching the dark skies slowly fade away to signal a brand new day on the horizon, the sun painting the sky a bright calming hue. Any minute now, your friends that had decided to crash at your place during the previous night are bound to wake up. Your tiny space had become some sort of safe haven for when they needed to hide away from their own problems, or when they needed you to nurse their drunken states.

Despite it sparking irritation within yourself, you could never bring yourself to deny them. The group had been nothing but a solid help for you the past six years when you fled from Hyōgo and where you settled yourself in the comforts of your late father's best friend back in Kanagawa, Suwa Riku, reconnecting with one of your childhood friends, Suwa Reiji. The loving Suwa family accepted you with open arms, practically calling you their own despite the situation you dug yourself in. Honestly, if they had turned you away, you would have probably ended up in the gutter somewhere in Japan as you had no other place to go. It wouldn't have even shocked you if they were to turn their backs at you when you had first came knocking on their front door, practically drenched from the pouring rain, it was barely enough to conceal the tears.

However, despite the past they barely knew, they accepted you with open arms without an ounce of judgment. If they were curious, they asked politely, and if certain questions were too difficult for you to answer, they respected your need for privacy.

When you had left everything behind in Hyōgo, you wanted to forget. You had deleted your previous profiles from any sort of social media platform that you had and changed your number when you had the chance. To everyone in Hyōgo, you completely disappeared, a mere ghost that residents either often gossiped about or have completely forgotten, it wasn't as if you were well known within the community, but—still, your disappearance had quite the impact. However, since no one has found you yet in the past six years, it probably meant that your mother didn't care. You assumed the same for your handful of friends. You stayed with the Suwa Family in Kanagawa for at least a year and a half, time for yourself and to get adjusted to your new life before you convinced yourself to get a job that will lead you to a somewhat peaceful life, you needed it for support, now more so than ever. Once again, you are in debt when your childhood friend Reiji offered you a job as a manager for their group. Of course, how could you say no? Despite the busy schedule, you managed enough, sometimes giving you the ability to be flexible.

Ah, yes. Suwa Reiji, the lead singer for the famous boy band, Galaxy Standard. The two of you had been friends before you had moved to Hyōgo when you were eight years old. Despite the distance between the two of you, when your father was still around since your fathers were close friends, the two of you did keep in touch. However, as you grew older and found new friends in Hyōgo, the need to keep in touch disappeared almost instantly. Thankfully, despite years of not having any contact with each other, the two of you reconnected, happy to be back in each other's lives.

The past six years, as you tried to find yourself and finally settle independently, Reiji was there.

And despite the exhausting job of managing a boy band, you adored it. It kept you occupied. Despite the boys being famous, you opted to keep your social media platforms private, or rather secret, only your friends and a few of Galaxy Standard's fans knew of it. Although the fans knew of your existence, you wanted your personal life private and thankfully, the management and fans respected that with the help from your friends who are aware of your situation. You wanted to stay hidden. Accompanying the boys in certain events, despite being a girl where it was typical for fangirls to grow upset because of the close contact with their idols, the fans respected you and often held polite conversations with you.

Yes, despite the troubles you have, you wouldn't deny the fact that you were indeed happy, but lately, something in the back of your mind has been irking you, making you feel extremely uneasy for not knowing what it could be. It frustrated you to no end.

"Someone looks like a vein in their head might pop," you hear Reiji tease as he approached. You roll your eyes before turning your attention over to the man that intruded your thoughts. Bless him, you were slowly becoming crazy with all the thinking. However, you weren't going to praise him or anything, despite Reiji's calm and humble personality towards others, he was a completely different person towards you; often teasing, most days very playful.

You snap back playfully, "Good morning to you, too." He occupies the seat across from you, despite stumbling to your apartment the previous night completely drunk from a party, the man before you showed no sign of a hungover, you were used to it by now. "Seriously, you and Shizuma need to find some other place to crash. I don't even know how you roped him into drinking, he was absolutely thrashed when the two of you arrived. Normally, he'd be the responsible one."

"Yeah, but once he starts drinking, there's no stopping him. And Nah," he chuckles as he leans against the counter, a yawn escaping his lips as he spoke midway, "Your place is comfy but also because I get to see the cute faces of my favourite nephews almost instantly, it's a bonus."

"Uncle Reiji!"

"Where's Uncle 'zuma?"

Speaking of the little devils. Both of your attentions snaps at the two identical figures that stepped out of their shared room and into the vicinity that you and Reiji occupied.

The sight of their sleepy states warmed your heart at just how cute they have grown. Ah, yes. Your two boys. One of the two reasons why you preferred to keep your personal life, private. Of course, there was also Atsuhiko and Atsuhiro to think about. Your precious boys, your utmost priority. Everything you could ever want and more. They were the two that you could finally call home. As much as you know that your existence wouldn't be much of a big deal to the fans since you weren't entirely famous, you refused to let your boys get caught into any unnecessary drama that your friends have often got themselves into, so despite having famous uncles, you kept them shielded whenever you can. Of course, the fans of Galaxy Standard were aware of the existence of your little boys, often swooning when one of their idols were photographed with one of the twins. Needless to say, it always made the fans crazy, but you were grateful that the fans were respectful and never crossed the line whenever your boys were included.

Of course, the main reason why you wanted everything to be kept private was that you didn't want certain people to know the secret you've worked hard to stay hidden, but Japan was big, wasn't it? You often reassured yourself that it was impossible for paths to cross.

"Why are you looking for your Uncle Shizuma when I'm here?" Reiji asks, feigning hurt in his expression as both six-year-old boys approach, yawning and sleepily rubbing their eyes.

Atsuhiro, or rather Hiro, as he liked to be called sighs as he shakes his head at his uncle, "But Uncle 'zuma is the best."

"Now you take that back young man!" He scoffs as he playfully places his hands on his hips, "Who do you think raised you?"

The little boy tilts his head to the side as he watches his uncle in amusement of his antics, "Uncle 'zuma helped too! Mommy says he even helped out changing diapers which you didn't do!"

"But Uncle Reiji's the best! He always plays with us!" Atsuhiko, Hiko, retorts as he rushes over to his uncle to give him a high five, "Mommy, Uncle Rei said he's going to teach us some tricks like he did back then in Stride! Isn’t that cool?"

You send a glare towards the man that was mentioned by your son, who only avoided your gaze as he ruffles your son's hair, "Maybe something else. You can ask your uncles to teach you how to sing and dance like they always do, just not that dangerous sport."

Atsuhiko groans in protest while the other twin approaches you, wrapping his short arms around your leg, "Do you think they can teach us volleyball?"

"Oh yes!" Atsuhiko yells out happily agreeing with his twin, his dismay for his mother's earlier disapproval flying out the window as he looks at you with hope in his eyes, "Volleyball is so cool! Can we mommy?"

Almost instantly, a lump formed in the back of your throat at the mention of the mere sport, a reminder. It wasn't as if you were against the sport, but what caught you off guard was the interests your boys clearly showed. How ironic.

As you raised the two, whether at times you were alone or had help, you often pushed the twins away from certain reminders of your past. What was that? Anything that reminded you of your past in Hyōgo was pushed aside. It was rather petty, you knew that yourself but as the twin boys grew throughout the years, it didn't get unnoticed how their features screamed of the one and only Miya Atsumu. Well, you expected that—he is the father of your twin boys, but you silently prayed during your pregnancy and as you raised them that their features would come from your side of the family instead of his.

But of course, somehow you've upset the Gods for your pettiness. This was your consequence. A daily reminder. There's no denying of your love for your boys. They were your life and you wouldn't change anything because then they wouldn't exist. However, you've grown hateful of your past as years gone by. Your hatred for the awful memories had made it more difficult to forget.

You expected the interest in volleyball before they even mentioned it to you today. The clues in their shared room were enough for you to pick up that they were most likely to take after their father in a sense, not that they know of such.

Earlier, about two years prior when they first started in kindergarten, it was inevitable for such to talk about your families, you remember experiencing such back then despite it being foggy. They returned home, despite being young, they were smart for their age and bombarded you with questions without holding back; wondering about who was their father and where he was, or if Uncle Reiji or Uncle Shizuma were their fathers. Back then, you couldn't bring yourself to tell them the truth or even utter a single word about the man missing in their lives.

You experienced a whole week of silent treatment from your two boys because you refused to answer, their stubbornness hard as a rock. You refuse to answer their questions? Well, they, of course, fight back by refusing to talk to you. Oh, children, right? Of course, Reiji and Shizuma were a big help because to the twins, the two of your friends were practically the only father figures that they had. Since Atsuhiko and Atsuhiro refused to utter a word to you, they tried their best to talk to the twins, avoiding certain parts that they were too young to know about, and explained that when they grew up and they were ready to know, you would eventually let them know.

Bless the heavens because, after that, your two boys returned to their loving yet sneaky nature, never asking or mentioning about their father again. However, the majority of the conversations about their father were kept in secret between the two. Atsuhiro wanting to know more while Atsuhiko pushing the idea away, but not wanting to upset his brother, he keeps his dismay of their missing father from Atsuhiro, who grew more eager to find his father as years go by.

"What's with all the excitement at such an early hour? You two always have so much energy. What's this I hear about wanting to play volleyball?" Shizuma saves you from answering and you share a silent communication to send your gratitude for the interference.

Atsuhiro breaks out into a grin at the sight of his favourite uncle and immediately approaches him, "Uncle 'zuma, do you know how to play volleyball? Can you teach me and Hiko? Please?"

Shizuma chuckles in response, ruffling the little boy's messy locks, "I'm not that good but if you and your brother are serious about wanting to learn volleyball, I know a friend that may be of help."

"You do?" Atsuhiko asks, excitement in his voice.

You repeat, arching a brow in curiosity, "You do?"

"Well he's more of Asuma's friend than mine but we're good acquaintances," he answers with a shrug of his shoulders, "I'll see what I can do for my two favourite nephews."

"Yes!" The twins exclaim happily at the same time before running towards each other to share their routine handshake.

"Now that's settled," Reiji starts, clapping his hands together to grab the attention from everyone in the room, "Aren't you two supposed to be getting ready for your day with Grandpapa and Grandmama Suwa? You wouldn't want to keep those two waiting, I heard they have a really big day planned ahead for the two of you."

Ah, Grandpapa and Grandmama Suwa. Reiji's parents, and well—your substitute parents and the twins' substitute grandparents. Despite not being biologically related, they treated the three of you like a real family. They helped you throughout your pregnancy and at the same time raising your two boys. They did what any grandparent would do, discipline and spoil them. You wouldn't change it for the world. The love they had for your boys was overwhelming, and Atsuhiko and Atsuhiro completely adored their substitute grandparents just the same.

Atsuhiro releases a gasp from his lips at the realization of the big day, he had been excited, to say the least, rushing to get prepared whilst Atsuhiko frowns and stays rooted in where he stood, "But today's Uncle Asuma's birthday! I want to go too!"

"No can do, kiddo." Shizuma shakes his head, crossing his arms across his chest; an indication the twins are familiar with that meant it was not up for any negotiation. "You know this party isn't for little boys, your Uncle Asuma already told you this, but he promised to take both of you out tomorrow to make up for it. You and Hiro can celebrate his birthday tomorrow, I promise."

Atsuhiko releases a dramatic sigh, throwing his little hands in the air as he stomps his way to get ready, knowing that if he were to argue, he would inevitably lose. Oh well, he thought to himself, Grandpapa and Grandmama are the best anyway.

"I don't know how you do it, 'zuma." You let out a laugh, shaking your head. "Those two have become spoiled to the core because of all of us, yet when it comes to you and their Grandpapa Riku, they suddenly become little angelic-slash-monsters who obey every command."

Shizuma lets a grin spread on his lips, "Some things can't be taught. Anyway, I'll get going. I have to help prep Asuma's party. I'll see you guys there."

"I'll get going too," Reiji declares as he stands up from his seat, "Don't back out of the party, I'll drag you there if I have to, I swear."

You roll your eyes at them, more so at Reiji than Shizuma, shooing them with your hands as you follow them to the front door, "Yeah, whatever. I'll be there. Stop worrying."

Dropping the twins at the Suwa Residence after eating lunch together was often smooth sailing as the twins always adored spending the day with their substitute grandparents. However, Atsuhiko expressed his dismay of being left behind once again insisting of wanting to attend his Uncle Asuma's birthday party, you had to pry his hands away from his grip on your leg. Thankfully, you had help from his Grandpapa Riku, and after waving goodbye to a smiling Atsuhiro and a scowling Atsuhiko, you were off to get a few errands done before heading to Asuma's apartment to celebrate his birthday, taking your sweet time to avoid your favourite, yet rowdy bunch of friends, only because they probably wanted you to help them set up the party, which you didn't want to take part in.

Honestly, you could have chosen otherwise but decided against skipping the errands that would most probably pile up despite the break Galaxy Standard was having. Plus, you may or may not have, forgotten to get a gift for Asuma and if you showed up empty-handed, well, you weren't going to hear the end of it.

Hours went by as you got through your list of errands, you were left with messages and certain phone calls that you ignored throughout the day, you were finally able to buy a suitable gift for your friend. All there was left to do was show up to the party that was apparently already in full swing. Thankfully, your friend's lavish apartment was around the corner.

You waited for the traffic lights to signal the safe journey across the busy streets, your grip on the neatly wrapped gift on one hand slightly tightening against you as you shiver from Japan's cool winter breeze bustling through the air, something you're still obviously not very fond of. For as long as you can remember, you hated the cold. It was a bitter reminder of the times you were utterly alone. You always preferred the warm temperature, whether it was from a fireplace or someone else, it kept you from going numb, made to remind you of reality.

The sound of your phone ringing startles you from your thoughts and you pull the device from one of your pockets, Reiji's name flashing across the screen. You grumble to yourself of his impatience before answering the call, bringing the device up to press against your ear. Before you could utter a word, he beats you to it in a demanding tone, "Where are you? You're late."

"Hold your horses, Rei." You answer in irritation as you look up ahead to check the traffic lights that still had the signal to stay where you were, "I'm almost there. Be patient." However, you couldn't process the words Reiji muttered next from the other line. Someone calling out your name catching your attention, your eyes widening slightly at the realization of who it was. Immediately, you cut off Reiji's rambling from the other line and ended the call, slipping the phone back into your pocket as you feel your shoulder tense at his presence standing next to you. "Osamu."

"So it is you," he blinks in disbelief, his eyes drinking your features bit by bit to check if he was dreaming or not, "You look different, I barely recognized you if it weren't for your voice, but it really is you."

You nod stiffly, "I suppose I would since it has been six years and all. What are you doing all the way here in Kanagawa?"

Suddenly, a memory flashes across your mind. A memory of earlier in your apartment, Shizuma mentioning a friend who knew how to play volleyball. No, it couldn't be, right?

"Ah, I'm actually checking a few spots around here for my business," he lifts his shoulders in a shrug, "So Kanagawa, huh? This is where you've been hiding all this time?"

Your lips press into a thin line, feeling uneasy under his gaze. Of course, you would, you're practically hiding a really big secret. "I'm sorry, I don't have time to chat. I have plans and my friends are already egging me on for being late."

The traffic lights save you from a painful conversation, signalling that it was safe to cross but before you could take a step away, you feel him grasp onto your shoulder to pull you back. You turned your head to face him, ready to fight him off but you halted your actions at the sign of sadness his features displayed. You took the time to examine his features, your heart practically leaping as you were able to take in everything unlike seconds ago where you were purposely trying to leave. Of course, back then when you were friends, you considered Osamu as handsome. I mean, why wouldn't you? You were practically in love with his twin brother who you found extremely handsome at the time. However, that wasn't what ran through your mind. You began thinking that Atsumu probably looked just as good, and suddenly you felt a shitload of bricks slamming right down on your shoulders, the feeling of panic surging through your veins, wondering if Atsumu was around too that you failed to notice Osamu pull out a small card from his wallet, holding it out for you to take. He seemed to read your thoughts as he spoke to reassure you, "Don't worry. He's not here, but..." He trails off, looking at you with hope in his eyes, "take this, it has my number on it. When you're ready, I'm here to listen. I always have been. I want to know what you've been up to. I want to catch up."

At Osamu's reassurance, you feel your shoulders slowly relax as you take the card from him, your eyes scanning the printed numbers and words, Ongiri Miya, making you realize that he hadn't pursued Volleyball like his twin often rambled on. You flicker your gaze up to meet his once more and he gives you a small smile. You slowly nod as you slip the card into one of your back pockets, "I have to go."

He watches you leave, the smile he had instantly morphed into a frown as he watches you walk away once more and eventually disappear from his line of sight. He silently prayed that you would contact him when you could, wanting to reconnect with you after all these years, to know why you left. He promises to himself that when you do decide to reach out, that you wouldn't mention anything to his idiot brother.

He noted the shift of your body, how your shoulders relaxed at the mention of someone not being around, he knew that you had thought about his brother. And it only confirmed his suspicion of you leaving because of what his brother had done six years ago, the last day people saw you in Hyōgo. However, something still was missing, he still craved an answer. You couldn't have left just because of Atsumu's actions. So what was it?

Either way, he was determined to find out. You may have not known it then, but Osamu cared about you a lot. However, due to you being blinded by his twin brother's light, you failed to notice. He wasn't going to let you go this time, he'll find a way to get you back in his life. His phone blares his ringtone, snapping him out of his thoughts. As he brings his phone up, he grumbles underneath his breath at the sight of his brother's incoming call. Speak of the devil.

"What is it?"

He hears his brother whine from the other line, "Can't I just call my brother once in a while?"

"You only ever do that when you're in trouble or need something," he retorts with a roll of his eyes.

Atsumu laughs in response, "How'd the shop searching go? Anything interesting so far? When you coming back?"

"Hold up, what's with the questions?" He laughs at the sound of his brother's enthusiasm. It's true, they often disagreed with each other but when it came to supporting each other's passion, they were always there for the other. He shifts his gaze over to where you stood moments ago, a smile ghosting his lips at the memory of the brief conversation the two of you shared. "Yeah, maybe something interesting here in Kanagawa after all." He listens to his brother speak excitedly over the phone causing him to shake his head at the ridiculous tone. "Oh? He's here? Maybe I can hit him up..."

After the encounter with Osamu, you practically quickened your pace to Asuma's apartment, your heart beating erratically. You hadn't even realized you were holding your breath until you were gasping for air. Luckily, the majority of Asuma's guests were preoccupied that they hadn't noticed your entrance. You were sure you looked embarrassing looking extremely flustered.

You hear your name being called and as soon as you caught your breath, you notice Shizuma calling you over, Asuma and Reiji along with someone you seem to recognize but can’t seem place in your mind. Walking over, your lips curl up to a small smile as you extend your arm to hand over Asuma's gift, "Happy Birthday, 'suma. Here's my gift."

Asuma's eyes instantly light up, retrieving the gift from you, "I was going to get mad at you for being late but since you have a gift for me, I'll let it slide. Did the boys pick this for me?"

"Gee, aren't I lucky." You drawl sarcastically, a laugh being shared within the group as you shake your head, "No, you think those two would let me give them your gift? They said they'll give it to you tomorrow when you take them out. Hiko was upset when I left him with his Grandpapa Riku, though. He had this cute little scowl." Your three friends laugh, imagining their nephew in their heads. You flicker your attention over to the person who was watching you interact with the others with amusement, you smile at him politely. "I'm sorry. How rude of me."

"Oh, right!" Shizuma speaks as soon as your name slips out of your mouth to introduce yourself, holding out your hand for a shake which he grabs, "This is the friend I was talking about that can teach the boys volleyball."

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" He starts with a grin as he shakes your hand firmly, his enthusiasm infectious. Releasing his grip on your hand, he sends a little wave, "Bokuto Koutarou I'm a friend of Asuma's. Shizuma here was just telling me about your boys and how they were interested in volleyball and I wouldn't mind helping them out."

Asuma adds, "He's a professional volleyball player for Japan's V.League in Division 1. MSBY Black Jackals was it?"

You watch as the man who you thought kind of resembled a horned owl nod his head towards Asuma's direction, something about him oddly familiar. You hum along, eyes widening slightly at the information. "Professional? Wow, colour me impressed. Wouldn't you be too busy to train two six-year-olds, then?"

"I'll speak for everyone who knows her two boys that they're absolute devils," Reiji chuckles with a shake of his head, "Fast learners though. We'd teach them how to run like in Stride if we could but their mother over here refuses."

You scoff, "Because that sport can be dangerous!"

"Stride, huh?" Bokuto butts in, interested. "But yes, I have some time to teach. I'm sure they'll be okay. I owe Asuma anyway. I don't mind."

The corners of your mouth twitch to an unsure smile. You didn't know if you were going to go through with this if you were honest, but it isn't exactly something you can reject as your three other friends were present, and they would do anything for their favourite set of twins, spoiled rotten those two were.

"Don't worry," Shizuma claims, nudging you with his elbow as he gives you a reassuring smile, "They'll be in good hands, one of us will find the time to attend their little training. We're not as busy lately due to our little holiday anyway."

You hum softly as you continue to examine Bokuto under your gaze before something in your mind clicks, eyes widening ever so slightly. “I think I know you! Weren’t you at the Christmas Party last year that Reiji held?”

He nods with a grin, “I was actually. Asuma invited me and I went along with a couple of friends. Funny how we’ve crossed paths before and yet we’re only meeting now, ay?”

“Ah, yeah. I think I remember now, sort of.” you laugh, nodding your head in agreement, “That party was crazy anyway. I don’t think anyone wants to remember that crazy night. Especially Reiji.”

The man mentioned scoffs, rolling his eyes. “That’s why whenever I plan parties it’s never at my place anymore.” He shudders at the memory, “Drunk bastards doing the nasty at my place. And that model’s awful moaning could be heard even when the music was blasting.”

You scrunch up your face in disgust, “Thankfully I left early then,”

An awkward laugh escapes Bokuto’s lips as he scratches the back of his neck sheepishly, “Yeah about that...”

“That was you?” you and Asuma let out a gasp, eyes widening while Shizuma bursts out laughing. Reiji on the other hand, obviously not amused at the information.

“Dude, what the heck!” Reiji exclaims, brows furrowing, “The least you could have done was choose a guest bedroom rather than on my own bed!”

“Oy!” he laughs, holding his hands out, “I didn’t say it was me. I was just saying I know who it was. It was one of my friends, but I’d rather not say who.”

Asuma joins his older brother Shizuma in laughing at the side while you try your best to calm down Reiji by tugging on his arm. “Anyway, Bokuto. I think we should talk about the schedule of your training with my boys. I’m sure they’ll be excited when they find out someone will be training them volleyball.”

Somehow, a part of you was screaming at you, telling you that this wasn't going to end well. Of course, you didn't realize at the time that you would come to regret such a decision, not like you had any say against it either. Your little boys were spoiled rotten and often got their way whether through innocent means or their sneaky tactics. It didn't help that their group of uncles were wrapped around their little fingers.

Ah, yes. You hadn't realized it yet, but it was the start of a roller coaster ride.

#atsumu x reader #atsumu x you #atsumu imagine #atsumu imagines #haikyuu #hq #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu imagines #atsumu miya x reader #miya x reader #miya imagine #miya imagines

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ariainstars · 4 years

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Rey Palpatine, Kylo Ren or Ben Solo: Who’s Got the Button?

Warning: longer post.

Who Is Rey?

Sigh. I can’t believe I was this naïve. Really, I can’t.

There are narrative parallels between The Force Awakens and A New Hope, of course. But apart from desert planet and droid, the parallels between Rey and Luke, which many fans took for a sign that she might be a secret daughter of his, are few.

Rey is a slave on a desert planet who collects and repairs spare parts. Her parents were nobodies. She doesn’t want to leave because it would make her lose the tenuous link she has with her family.

She saves someone she just met in a brave, crazy stunt where she proves that she is a very good pilot even with hardly any training.

She meets a kind elderly man who tells her about the Force. He is a father figure for her because she doesn’t have one, but he gets killed about a day after she met him.

She had barely known about the Jedi but finds out she has talent in the Force, so instead of going home she is sent to train with someone whom she doesn’t know and who is not very willing to do so, and not capable of being a father figure for her either.

This is Anakin to a T! And Anakin ended up being the bad guy in the end. I’m sure that watching the PT, no one who was unfamiliar with the saga would have believed he would be.

It is not a coincidence that Ben’s light sabre looked like a cross and Rey’s like a fork: that was another dead giveaway announcing that he would be the victim in this story, and she the perpetrator.

„Show me again the power of the darkness, and I will let nothing stand in our way. Show me, grandfather, and I will finish what you started.” Kylo Ren in The Force Awakens

Ben and Rey are a dyad, meaning that in one way or another, their destinies parallel one another. It was he who wanted to “finish what his grandfather started”: but it was she who actually finished what her grandfather had started. Jedi and Skywalker family are extinct; Finn may or may not be Force-sensitive, but he’s not trained. All of this leaves Rey solely in charge. And everybody cheers her, the way Palpatine was cheered when he ended the clone wars. But the dirty work had been done by Anakin; same goes for his grandson.

It all fits together too well: Rey was always meant to turn out evil, while the “bad guy” in truth was the hero all along. If you watch the Sequel Trilogy again and feel annoyed by their development, try to look at it from this perspective.

“Now, fulfill your destiny and take your father’s place at my side!” Palpatine in Return of the Jedi

Palpatine always needed someone young and fresh by his side to give him strength; which could be explained by the fact, finally addressed in The Rise of Skywalker, that he is some kind of clone. Not being capable of living on his own, he wanted Rey to kill him so that all of the darkness inside him would possess her, and he managed. Now he is reborn, and the young woman stepping into his shoes believes that the worst is behind her. The truth is that the Enemy is now an inherent part of her.

The good news is that by this time, Rey has also made the experience of unconditional love: Kylo / Ben saw her at her worst, but he still cared about her. Some viewers thought that Rey would be the key to Ben’s redemption, but honestly: that story had already been told with Luke and his father. The alleged bad guy saving the alleged heroine from herself is a new message in Star Wars; a message so powerful that I still didn’t get over it.

The Heir of Sheev Palpatine

Palpatine’s role in the saga tends to be downplayed although he is the mastermind behind it all: in the PT he is literally one of the first characters we see. It is easy to say that he was the devil incarnate who wanted absolute power - he also was a sly and influential politician, and after the clone wars he did bring peace to the galaxy reuniting the Republic and the separatists under the roof of the Empire. Anakin and his heirs could not make up for his sins because they were busy with their own and the Jedi’s.

As the audience, we want to see our heroes happy; yet their failures and unhappiness are often necessary.

Anakin and Padmé had to die so their children could grow up the way they did, two idealistic souls untainted by the Jedi’s sins.

Leia had to lose Alderaan, else the princess would hardly have had a chance to marry the scoundrel.

Luke had to lose his home with his uncle and aunt, else he wouldn’t have agreed to come with Obi-Wan in the first place; and he had to go through the trauma with his father’s revelation to become the wise and strong hero of Return of the Jedi.

And sad as it is, Ben had to spend almost all of his life in a dark place. The few moments of understanding he had with Rey in TLJ were probably the few rays of lights in his whole adult life; no wonder he fell so deeply for her that he would literally have done anything for her; he had to become a besotted idiot who saved the girl he loved although she had literally killed him and usurped his whole heritage.

Meaning: Rey was always meant to take over.

This is not only the story of the Skywalker family, it’s also the story of a galaxy in desperate want of balance and peace. And if you want to tell how that is accomplished, you can’t erase Palpatine from the equation. Palpatine is a “clone”, i.e. he is not wholly human; which makes him a parallel to Anakin who ostensibly had been generated without a father. Rey, flawed as she is, is a young woman of flesh and blood.

The Prequel Trilogy humanized Darth Vader; the Sequel Trilogy did the same with Palpatine. Few viewers expected this because one hardly gets interested in the villain’s bloodline. Vader’s portrayal as Anakin Skywalker in the prequels was also largely disliked because the young man was everything but cold and sardonic like the villain he became later. And as many viewers did not like to see “their” Darth Vader humanized (portrayed as a good little boy and then an ardent, stormy young man), now we don’t like Palpatine coming back in form of a young woman, who for sure is deeply flawed but not by far the monster he was. Palpatine always wanted to use Anakin’s, the Chosen One’s, power for himself; and with his final plan he managed to blend his heritage with the soul of the last Skywalker scion.

The Heir of Anakin Skywalker

Vader had to become Palpatine’s ally and to serve him loyally to make the old devil let his guard down enough for him to kill him at last, just like Kylo had to fool Snoke that he was still on his side while in the Throne Room he was silently plotting his demise. Anakin always was the hero of the Skywalker saga, a fact that is largely overlooked. His son pushed him to do the right thing, but the decision was his own, and he paid with his life.

Many fans of the Original Trilogy and also of the prequels dislike the sequels heartily because to them it “retconned” or “cancelled” what had happened before. Which is not quite true; the original heroes did find their happy ending. We witnessed what came after that, which irritates us because it’s something we usually never face once the credits roll or the book covers are closed. That does not mean that the heroes’ accomplishments are obliterated.

My guess: these fans might be right and the Skywalker saga is indeed at its end with Return of the Jedi. The saga was Anakin Skywalker’s story, and he died.

What did not die was his heritage - his sins, his excruciating pain, but also his heroism, and his prophecy as the one who would “bring Balance to the Force.” The mistake of his heirs was having wanted to go back to what once had been. Their links to the past were tenuous, e.g. we never learn how Luke came to know what had made the Jedi fail (the content of his second lesson to Rey); in any case, he must have learned it only after the fall of his own temple, in order to explain why he wanted to give up on the Jedi. Obi-Wan never told about his own faults, the clone wars, the Republic, the creation of Darth Vader; most importantly, he never mentioned to Luke that his father actually was the Chosen One, and that the Force wants Balance. It is not surprising that Luke and his friends could not build lasting peace, not knowing what had caused the conflicts. They had to fail; “failure is the greatest teacher” means that only from understanding and moving away from those failures the galaxy will (hopefully) finally learn to avoid repeating the Empire, the First Order, the Final Order etc. over and over again.

I also did not like very much what the sequels did to the heroes of the original trilogy, honestly. But had they survived, found together again, and or proven more heroic and less flawed than they were this time around, the general audience would never have stopped pestering the studios with wanting more of Han, Luke and Leia. And that’s not how it’s supposed to be. They’ve done their time; they had their happy ending. They had their hero’s journey. They ended the Empire the way they wanted, their achievements were completed. It is up to the next generation to learn from the past and build something new and better. We, in our everyday life, also have to bring the people we once looked up to (parents, teachers, mentors etc.) down from their pedestal and to acknowledge the good they did but also see their failures and limitations, if we ever want to get on with our own lives.

In this light, the Sequel Trilogy is indeed not part of Anakin Skywalker’ story. If Ben is brought back and stands good on his promise of finishing the Chosen One’s work, then it will be a new saga - his. Not his grandfather’s any more.

Though a Palpatine, I believe Rey does have the potential for finding balance and unite the galaxy. If Ben, her dyad, comes back to do his part, the galaxy will be again under the rule of two powerful Force users the way it was when the OT begin; but this time they need a chance on something united and positive.

Balance At Last?

The authors repeatedly stated that the sequels would be “very much like the prequels”: not incidentally. The prequels also were the story of a usurpation, where at the end everything that was good seemed forgotten or turned into the hand of the wrong person.

This sheds an interesting light on the next trilogy: by this logic, it ought to mirror the original trilogy.

Whatever you can say about the Star Wars saga, it never repeated itself. It has recurring themes, which do not run in circles but in spirals; like in any family, or political system, the lessons not learned always demand their price.

All of this is not to say that I like this ending. The Rise of Skywalker mostly is so dissatisfying because being Episode IX it ought to have been a definite ending, but it does not feel like an end. It feels more like a new beginning, or an interruption of a story that was largely not yet explored. The new heroes have wrapped up the past, but what about the galaxy’s future? A future that has maybe already begun with the Mandalorian’s mysterious adopted Child, who symbolizes faith where Yoda was all about (avoiding) fear?

Rey and Baby Yoda both are two younger and more innocent versions of someone we are very familiar with; and they are both paired off with someone who becomes a redeemed version of a familiar villain - Rey with Kylo Ren / Ben Solo, who is reminiscent of Darth Vader, and the Child with the Mandalorian, reminiscent of Boba Fett. Also, the Child knows Force healing, the way Rey does.

It seems to me that this must be announcing a continuation that fits to it all and brings the loose strands together. If the Force is at work, then it knows what it’s doing.

Luke was always one to give people a second chance: in A New Hope, we see him befriend literally anyone who is willing to go along. Star Wars is all about getting another chance. Are we really supposed to believe that Ben Solo is gone forever, and worse, that he deserved no better than dying after sacrificing himself for the girl he loved? Did Luke Skywalker in person come to Crait, sacrificing his life in the process, to give his nephew a second chance only for him to disappear never to be seen again?

Ben and Rey being a dyad means that they mirror one another, in every way: what happened to one will happen to the other too, eventually. The iconic “You’re not alone” is so powerful because it comes from a person who knows damn well what loneliness means. If Rey finished what her grandfather started, then so must he. When the Republic fell everybody also believed Anakin to be dead; he wasn’t. and when Han left Luke and Leia towards the end of A New Hope, they did not count on him coming back; but he did.

The next trilogy is not yet announced but it has been known for years that it’s in the cards; thankfully it’s in the hands of Rian Johnson, who already proved that he can tell a masterful Star Wars story; and who reintroduced the subject of Balance again. I still hope that this image was a foreshadowing, not an empty promise.

The ST doesn’t really make sense - not yet. That doesn’t mean it won’t make sense when the rest of Rian’s story is told.

“Hope is like the sun… If you only believe in it when you see it, you will never make it through the night”. Let’s keep our hopes up, fellow Reylos and ST fans. 😉

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scottymcgeesterwrites · 3 years

Text

Final Fantasy VIII Review

(A serious review this time, without spoilers.)

Year: 1999

Original Platform: PlayStation One

Also available on: PC, PlayStation Store

Version I Played: PlayStation One

Synopsis:

Squall Leonhart is a new recruit of SeeD, a mercenary team protecting the world. Rinoa is a resistance fighter against the Republic of Galbadia, led by the Sorceress Edea who is suddenly hellbent on conquering the neighboring nations. Squall and his team attempt to assassinate Edea, but the mission goes awry.

Gameplay:

Final Fantasy VIII throws nearly every previous battle system out of the window. It’s nearly as radical as Final Fantasy II’s battle system. Enemies around the world map average their levels according to your average level among your characters. You only need 1,000 EXP (experience points) to rise to each level, unlike the other games where the EXP needed rises after each level. But that doesn’t mean your character levels up all their stats – that all depends on the summons, known in this game as Guardian Forces.

Unlike other games, summons are crucial to the gameplay, despite not being crucial to the story itself. The Junction System has you “junction” each character with a GF, allowing you to assign different battle commands (Item, Draw, Magic, GF, etc). If you don’t assign a character a GF, all they can do in battle is “Attack.”

That gets super annoying when you’re moving around GFs between characters a lot but you forget to assign that one character a summon right before a major boss battle, so then they can’t do shit.

The drawing system is my favorite aspect of Final Fantasy VIII’s gameplay. Instead of harnessing magic by a points system (such as MP), you draw magic from enemies. Magic is only limited by the number of spells. For example, you fight an enemy and draw 5 Curas from them. You now have 5 Cura spells. You can hold up to 99 of any spell. You don’t have to worry about ethers or running out of MP. I guess it’s an incentive to battle enemies, as they are resources for magic.

But the way the GFs work annoy me the most. You to call upon GFs at any time in any battle for an infinite number of times. This doesn’t give you any incentive to even try battling. If something annoyed me, I just said, “Fuck it” and spammed GFs. Not only that, but you have to sit through the short cinematic sequence of your summon every time you call them. I must have viewed Shiva’s summoning sequence ten-thousand fucking times before finishing the game. This makes battling feel repetitive, tedious, and unenjoyable. Battling was a chore.

The Junction System overall is so complicated that you have to go through a tutorial within the first twenty minutes of the game. It’s aggravating enough already to sit through Quistis going, “Blah, blah. blah” but it’s actually super important because if you don’t pay attention then this game will be tedious.

The final battle though? That shit was epic. Hard. But epic. One of the best final battles.

Graphics:

This game took a different route in giving realistic proportions to its characters. While that’s a cool idea on paper, the overall effect is. . .boring? Almost every other Final Fantasy game has a cast of very distinct characters, like various species, age groups, or wildly different clothing. To suddenly play a Final Fantasy game with what looks like real people – like Bob, Joe and Jill – seems drab. Selphie by far has been the least interesting character to me. When your characters look and feel like NPCs, it’s hard to become invested in them.

I wasn’t a fan of many of the backdrops because for whatever reason I had trouble discerning some doors. I couldn’t tell what I was looking at in the background sometimes, like if there was a switch or button that I had to press.

The cinematics are great though – some of the best in the series. It has the most memorable opening sequence of any game – the duel between Squall and his rival Seifer. The cinematics were a MAJOR step up from Final Fantasy VII.

Story:

Oh hey, so here’s a serious, non-spoiler, non-inflammatory review of Final Fantasy VIII.

Put this story side-by-side with Final Fantasy VII and you can see how they carried on the inspirations. Once again, the story is set in a more modern setting with cars, trains, etc. Squall is Cloud. Rinoa is Aerith. Etc., etc.

Squall Leonhart is the epitome of angst. You will spend the entire game rolling your eyes at Squall’s angsty introspective thoughts about the situations he’s in and people around him. Squall is essentially a bad version of Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII. Take Cloud but only take his cool design and angsty responses. That’s Squall Leonhart. Squall literally has no interesting qualities about him other than his physical design. He can rock that jacket and that scar on his face. Squall’s “romance” with Rinoa Heartilly is also a cardboard copy of Cloud and Aerith’s romance. Squall meets Rinoa by a chance meeting at a military ball. She serves as the optimistic, lively counterweight to Squall’s stoicism. But there’s hardly any depth other than Squall finding her pretty and Rinoa thinking he’s cute and handsome.

The cast of characters is bland, to say the least. They are composed of other students (Quistis being an instructor though) at Balamb Garden (except Irvine, who is a student of another Garden). They look boring. Their introductions are boring. Balamb Garden sounds like a cool idea – a mercenary school – except it plays off more like a poorly written high school anime drama, which is lame. At one point, Squall’s friends – Zell, Selphie, Irvine and Quistis – all try to conspire to get him to talk to Rinoa. You actually have to play through that of the plot and watch it unfold. But Squall tries to understand Rinoa’s upbeat attitude with lots of question marks in his thought bubbles and mumbling, “Whatever”. It’s jarring to sit through four discs of this over and over.

The plot is a butchered mess. After Disc 1 is when the plot gets strange like a fever dream. Plot twists happen left and right after Disc 1 without any rhyme or reason. Very little is explained and many twists are too convenient. Seifer is introduced as Squall’s rival and Rinoa’s original love interest, but then he inexplicably turns evil. In no dialogue or plot points do we ever learn why Seifer switches sides. None at all.

There’s a particular interesting fan theory that actually makes infinitely more sense than the story that Square gave us. Here’s a hot tip – when fan theories start making perfect sense, you probably didn’t write a good story.

The best part of Final Fantasy VIII is actually Laguna Loire. Throughout the story, Squall and his friends pass out for mysterious reasons and you are introduced to Laguna Loire and his two buddies, Ward and Kiros (who are reminiscent of Biggs and Wedge from Final Fantasy VII). They partake in events set in the past. Laguna Loire hearkens back to the pre-Final Fantasy VII heroes – heroes like Bartz and Locke. He’s funny and charming. I wish the game was about him and his friends instead of angsty Squall and his cardboard friends.

So, for four discs you play through these parallel plots and then they merge by the end. The payoff isn’t so amazing. I expected something better. Time travel is involved, albeit in a way that doesn’t make sense. Time compression! The ability to compress time into a singularity because . . . because why again? I guess you don’t have to wait for the next season of Game of Thrones anymore. Is that what that means?

Other notes I want to mention – Balamb Garden is an awful, clunky airship and the world map is the least interesting world map in the entire series. The only remotely interesting place is Fisherman’s Horizon.

Final Fantasy VIII’s story is the second most radical departure from the series, the first being Final Fantasy X, which I will get to later. However, Final Fantasy VII lacks any meaningful depth or existential crisis for its main character to explore. There’s no grand critique on the meaning or life or anything like that. There’s one slight existential question that Rinoa faces near the end but it’s practically nothing. I admire what they tried to do but it fell flat on its face. It’s dull and insipid with its characters and the plot doesn’t steer in a clear direction.

Overall, I admire what they were trying to do by adding time travel to the story. But it became such a warbled mess that it failed to deliver. They took all the cool parts of Final Fantasy VII but didn’t bother to give them depth.

Music:

The music is the biggest highlight of Final Fantasy VIII. Laguna Loire’s battle theme is sexy as hell. It made me so sad to return to Squall’s timeline, because I wouldn’t get to hear that music again for a while. The world map theme irritated me. It has a jingle that didn’t jive well with wandering around. It probably also didn’t help that the world map is dull to run around in.

The game’s theme, Liberi Fatali, is damn epic. Liberi Fatali does have actual lyrics but the famous lines “Fithos lusec wecos vinosec” is actually nonsense. Maybe that nonsense reflects the nonsense that is the actual story. It would have been nice if they had actually incorporated those words into the story somehow, like some magic spell like “abracadabra”.

The love theme is Eyes on Me, performed by Faye Wong. It’s the first time that Uematsu composed a pop song for a Final Fantasy game. Its lyrics are nice and of course fitting for the love story. I like hearing it.

There are no other character themes in this score. The focus was all on Squall and Rinoa having their silly angsty romance.

The final boss theme is actually one of my favorites. It starts out eerie with the chorus singing “Fithos lusec wecos vinosec” but in this drawn out, ghost-like manner. Then the music picks up sounding like a typical Final Fantasy battle theme, then goes crazy from there on out.

Notable Score:

Liberi Fatali.

youtube

Verdict:

My least favorite Final Fantasy game. I would place it right at the bottom tier. The story is absolute gibberish. The gameplay could be fun once you wrap your head around it, which I didn’t and so it was a pain in the ass for me. Finding all the Guardian Forces can be fun. Laguna Loire is the best part of the story, and that’s really it. At the end of the day, probably put this one off until you play the better, more important Final Fantasy games. You are not missing anything if you never play this game.

Direct Sequel?

No.

Keep it that way.

#final fantasy #final fantasy viii #final fantasy 8 #squall leonhart #squall x rinoa #rinoa heartilly #video games #onvideogames #fantasy rpg #sci-fi rpg #science fiction #balamb garden #quistis trepe

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ocular-intercourse · 4 years

Note

👀👀👀 there's only 25 questions 👀👀👀

i think i know what this means 😂🙏🏻

Meanest VS Kindest

meanest is definitely asher, though under normal circumstances he would not make use of it quite as often as he does rn, but even then he is kinda bred to be mean, that’s the rich kid gene, but also his father’s influence

kindest is teddy, without a doubt, i was for a second considering noor because they are actively doing more kind things, working on bettering the life for their subjects, but the prince is definitely more capable of being unkind for the sake of something bigger than ted would ever be (also they are spoiled and tend to kinda unintentionally put their needs before others in their private life)

Tallest VS Shortest

gyo the absolute beast of a man that’s them primordial genes, the shortest is ace

Most humble VS Most arrogant

hmm i think devin might be the most humble, it’s kinda pathological, a result of his low self-confidence, social anxiety and all, asher’ll be like screaming at him about how talented he is but that kinda does not sink in, but even with the things he can accept being good at in he is not the person to brag about it, he was raised to be polite and humble i guess

ah that’s a little hard it’s outwardly appereance vs inwardly feelings and they never match up, asher definitely is arrogant, but he is also very aware that anything that people admire about him and his skills is just a result of privilege and money and people wanting to crawl up his ass, so he’s like, yeah i’m fucking good at this but that doesn’t mean shit i had like 20 tutors since i was a toddler anyone could do this with my resources

finn is probably the most outwardly boasting about stuff he is arrogant about, but also the most fickle, you just gotta poke the wrong spot and he’s crumbling

gyo kinda has to be arrogant, it’s his job, it’s part of the whole ‘you can’t touch this just try and harm the empire you’re not getting past me’ deal, but he is also inwardly very aware of his limitations and what is realistically possible for him and what isn’t, he just can’t show it to leave openings for his opponents

i can’t decide 🤷🏻‍♂️

Coldest VS Most emotional

oh boy, god seriously the more i think about these questions the more i realize that my boys all just put up a front all the time whelp

ace has trained himself to seem colder than he actually is, but gyo is probably better at actually shutting his emotions down to get where he needs to be so i’ll go with him

finn is the most emotional he just puts it all out there i don’t think he could hide it if he wanted to he’s an open book really he’s even a terrible liar

Most chaste VS Most lustful

i had the impuls to say ace but i feel like asexuality and being chaste kinda cancels each other out, like you actually need to be sexually active and attracted to other people to be able to be considered chaste? like it kinda has to do with surpressing things? and if i follow that logic it fits asher way more, though he is also not really chaste, just prude, but still more than any of the others

teddy is the most lustful which is always very fun cause it’s unexpected, maybe he got a little messed up along the way but physical affection is just his biggest love language he needs to be shown that he is wanted to be happy and he needs to be shown often and thats the same way he tends to express his feelings for his s.o. (which is a huge problem between him and zeke oof), but also outside of a relationship he tends to get his self-worth reaffirmed through sexual encounters

Most serious VS Silliest

gyo is the most serious, might also be another work trait, asher also currently has little space for silliness in his life but that’s just cirumstancial, ace is by far the silliest, straight faced maybe, but he loves to irritate and amuse people

“Sleep is for the weak!” VS “Sleep for a week”

asher is the ‘sleep is for the weak’ man, though he sure’d like to sleep more, his body just does not want him to, at some point he’s just, god fuck fine more time to be productive i guess, teddy could sleep for a week

Happiest VS Saddest

GOD fuck, what a question, which one of my sad boys is the saddest boy? asher is the saddest, noor is the happiest

Darkest backstory VS Lightest Backstory

hasghj please, gyo has the darkest backstory, devin has the lightest

Biggest eater VS Lightest eater

hmmm finn has a crazy fast metabolism so he just needs to eat constantly to keep his mass it actually drives him crazy he’d much rather be able to bulk up properly, asher is the lightest eater, though a lot of that is also circumstantial, he’d be eating more if he wasn’t going through things, but still probably less than all the others, i’ll count gyo out cause he actually does not have to eat technically, so he doesn’t always, teddy is also a fickle eater with his eating disorder, but he’s being healthy atm

Most ticklish VS Cruellest tickler

never thought about it, asher is the most ticklish under regular circumstances, his meds make him a little numb, ace would be the cruellest tickler

Brainiest VS Brawniest

despite discrediting himself constantly by saying ‘i had all the help money can buy it does not count’ asher is still the brainiest, straight a student, speaks multiple languages, can play multiple instruments, is juggling two degrees and a mental breakdown etc etc excelling in all of it (especially the break down) i guess he could be considered gifted but he’d refuse to accept that denotation, he’s diligent at best, and was not allowed to function any other way, in his mind it’s really not that impressive he had no other choice and who knows how many people just praise him unfounded to please him/his father

gyo is the brawniest, no question, not all brawn no brains you need both to get where he is but his martial might is literally legendary

Most forgiving VS Most grudgeful

teddy is the most forgiving, not necessarily always because the person deserves it, but because he just wants them to deserve it, he just wants to believe people are good and have good intentions, finn is the most grudgeful (his father is a special exception i suppose) he still hasn’t forgiven kitty for killing herself after what.. 10 years or so? to a point of major detriment to his own life by giving a wide berth to anything that reminds him of her which is a lot of the things he loves/loved

Physical vices (drugs, sex, alcohol) VS Spiritual vices (Lust, wrath, envy)

god i kinda just wanna put finn on both ends of that question, he seriously is the most susceptible to vices in general regardless of physical or spiritual, and he knows, and he’s trying to be better (good thing he knows terrible examples about drugs and alcohol both so he’s pretty good at staying away from those at least)

Optimistic VS Pessimistic

teddy and noor share the optimistic spot, teddy generally believes more in the good in the world and that things will be good, noor is more active about it, their mindset is more of the ‘things might be bad but i WILL change them i don’t care who tells me i can’t’ variant, asher is the most pessimistic, but once again i feel it’s not fair to call him out on that it’s not actually in his character it’s, again, his circumstances, but i’m not sure there’s gonna be a lot of space for optimism left in his life after everything anyways so i guess it’s really him

Most secretive VS Most open

gyo is the most secretive, ace too to an extend and asher certainly has his big secret, but gyo just wont tell you a thing, you’ll hardly get him to talk at all, especially about personal subjects, devin might be the most open, teddy is all trusting and optimistic but he’s been burned often enough to know to keep some things to himself, devin is a little more oblivious to that, or maybe it’s not really that, it’s not naivite, it’s him just believing that it is the best to put everything out there so there is no space for misunderstandings

Judges a book by its cover VS Judges mostly by personality

none of my characters are overly superficial it’s hard to say if anyone of them would judge based on appereance, i want to say it’s probably noor, but it’s not really about looks, it’s more that they tend to stick to first impressions a lot, when they have an image of a person in their mind they have a hard time seeing anything but that, and get confused often when they get blindsided by traits that do not fit the idea they have of that person, finn definitely judges the most by personality, he tends to be hypervigilant around people, probing their emotional state, checking that everything is okay, it’s that classic abuse survivor habit, always making sure everything is alright and there’s no hidden threat

Best singer VS Tone deaf

finn is the best singer by far, he’s good he’s really really good but it’s one of these things he’s connected to kitty so that’s not always easy for him, noor is absolutely tone deaf it’s awful they are not insecure about a lot of things but only people they trust will ever hear them sing cause they know they won’t judge them too much

Cast iron stomach VS Most squeamish

ace can and will eat anything, he grew up in a shitty situation where they did not always have access to proper food so he’s not picky about quality or freshness, food is always a little complicated for teddy cause he has to train himself to eat regularly, on top of that he will not eat just anything, he is a vegetarian but also the kind of person that was a picky eater growing up and is holding on to some dislikes that probably only exist in his head at this point, it’s about the consistency of eggs for example, or certain combinations he’ll just not eat or even try, finns body can’t handle histamies super well so he has to be careful too, raw tomatoes even give him allergic reactions, but all of that is less about him being squeamish, he’s more the try anything once kind of person

Shows most skin VS Covers up most

i’d say it’s a cross between finn and noor for most skin, finn just enjoys being mostly uncovered, noor just likes the look of revealing clothing, asher is definitely famously the one to cover up the most, maybe that’s also a weird defense mechanism but mostly he’s just been brought up in a rather conservative household and that notion stuck

Most religious VS Most atheistic

none of them are really religious, in a ‘greek gods do exist’ kind of setting that’s a weird thing to be anyways?? is it still religious when you know gods exists/you are part god lol?? noor also exists in a setting where they, as in the leaders of the empire, are considered to have divine right to rule and are basically worshipped themselves plus i have not yet figured out in what way religion and a pantheon even exists in their world, gyo most definitely worships noor in a way but lets not go there, asher is by no means religious, but he enjoys the, uhm, quiet contemplation and prudence i guess? the sense of reverence and tradition, he likes the idea of believing in a guiding power, but he does not believe himself (he’d have a bone to pick with god if he did), he does however go to church with his family not only for outward appereance there is in some weird way something calming he takes from that (the congregation is not conservative in the gay hating way so that helps), i think gyo might actually be the most atheistic, even when confronted with god-like beings he’s more like ‘you can’t do shit i pick my own destiny and i’ll fight you if i have to’, he can’t take them seriously and he sure as hell does not consider them superior in any way (tbf the glimpse he gets at their world makes that very easy he basically just brawls his way out of hell and everybody there is like ??? help ??)

Biggest reader VS Hasn’t touched a book in 3 years

asher is the biggest reader, he’ll read non-stop if you let him it’s such a good way to get out of his head, so it’s a bit of an compulsive habit, teddy definitely hasn’t touched a book.. in basically ever, it’s the dyslexia it’s really not his favorite thing to do it’s exhausting and frustrating, but he’d probably go for audio books every now and then, it’s similar for ace but he has more patience to chew his way through a book

Best at self-care VS Most self-destructive

oh boy, noor is the very best at self-care, cause they are always so well cared for? they were raised in an environment where everyone always made sure they were happy and comfortable, so they themselves value these things a lot and go searching for them even if nobody offers them from the outside, asher is by far the most destructive, he’s the last priority on his list the only reason he is still alive (if you want to call it that) is to shield other people, so self-care seems utterly pointless at this point, the one thing he does still do is grooming but for him that’s more just a part of functioning than anything that has to do with making himself feel better

Most flirtatious VS Most modest

under different circumstances asher would be the most flirtatious, and he still is sometimes when the situation calls for it, but just ignoring all the trauma and everything, just looking at the person he used to be/will maybe be again, he just likes schmoozing and dazzling people, making them feel welcome and appreciated, he’s oozing charme all over the place (to be fair none of this is sexual/romantic in any way, it’s more just his base socializing mode) to a point where he gets in trouble cause he not only leads people on unintentionally but also drives devin into jealous fits, it’s really hard to figure out who’s the most modest actually, gyo is a brick wall but sometimes social events require friendly mingling and he is very much able to, you know, for the sake of the empire, but he’s usually calm and collected and unapproachable, ace on the other hand never ever tries to attract other people, but on the contrary to gyo his wall is hidden, he does not let people close, but let’s them believe differently, and sometimes has a bit of a mischievous behaviour about him that could be seen as flirtatious in some ways

Most outdoorsy VS Most indoorsy

teddy is by nature (ha) the most outdoorsy, it’s his domain, he’s truly at home surrounded by plants and animals, devin is the most indoorsy, locked behind his computer/tv most of the time, ace is a close second but he does get out more, training or hanging out in the streets

#personal #mangosandchili #asher #finn #teddy #ace #gyo #noor #devin #thank u for letting me rant about my boys #i concentrated on the main ppl #ocs #gyoverse

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sarah--goff · 4 years

Text

Their Dark Materials: Chapter Three; The Dreamer

Also avaliable on A03 under: Sarah_Goff works

For any suggestions/questions/ etc my email is [email protected]

Hope you enjoy!

Summary:

And voila, here our story begins!

Some things in the day aren't adding up. You're left home alone, without the comfort of Moore, to your own devices. You find the book again and begin to read intently. One should always be careful what they wish for ;)

-*-

The next few days flew past. You adjusted to life with the raven, between school and rehearsals, you always looked forward to coming home to it.

You opened your eyes lazily in the sunlight. That dream always left you feeling the same way, wanting. Wanting for it to be real so, so bad. You let the fragmented memories wash over you for a while. How many days had you had that exact dream now? And more importantly, why?

It always left you with a sense of a protecting presence. That was a nice feeling.

It was the dream, that irregular dream you couldn’t place. It had come to you again. It was beautiful, but some part of you felt so unnerved by it. You remembered more now than usual, but it was starting to slip away from you the more you thought about it.

Moore had vanished again, but you didn’t worry you knew it would be back. Looks like you’d have to buy more bird mix.

In class you couldn’t concentrate on the work in front of you, your mind kept wandering. Wandering to fragments…

You closed your eyes briefly and memories flashed in your mind

His hold on your waist, the way you were whirled, your laughter, something he whispered in your ear.

A mixture of the dream from last night and the raven swirled around your head.

The raven.

It was like something out of a fairy tale the way it had entered your little lonely world.

You kept pushing yourself to remember at the end of the day it was just a bird, a creature that deserved to be free.

It would be sad to see it go. You felt stupidly, that you’d almost made a connection. Like it seriously understood you sometimes, when prattled on about your day, when you ranted about Kari and Brian (mostly Kari) to the whispers of the first thing you would do when you left them to make your own way in the world in the middle of the night.

Your mind condescended itself. How childish could you be?

“Get a hold of yourself” you put your head in your hands before picking up your pen.

___

“Hello? Ground control to Sloane” Janice, or ‘Jan’ as everyone nicknamed her, waved a hand in front of your dazed face. She poked her tongue out at you, biting into her sandwich.

You were sitting outside today, on campus, at the picnic table by the library, finally it was hot and sunny again, so you decided to take advantage of your break.

You had your head propped up by your hand lazily.

“Sorry, I did it again, didn’t I?” You smiled sheepishly at your friend who grinned in return before taking a sip of her drink.

“you’re always day- dreaming, I wonder what about” you knew from her sing-song vice what she was getting at and you rolled your eyes.

Jan was lucky.

She had people around her constantly, she had boys around her constantly, not that you didn’t, you just sucked at conversation- she was good with people, you just weren’t. She’d tried and failed setting you up, she wanted you to join in for once and find someone. Ugh. You knew she was doing it from the good of her heart but sometimes you’d wished she’d just drop it. You weren’t made for people. That’s all.

She ran a hand through her freshly permed hair.

You shrug “I’m just tired, I haven’t been sleeping well” you felt a bit bad you hadn’t told Jan about the raven, she was your best-friend no matter what, but she would probably call you crazy. Anyone in their right mind would call you crazy.

“You’re always tired” Jan pointed out giving you a nudge.

True, you’d been using that excuse a lot lately, but it wasn’t a complete lie. You’d taken to talking to Moore well into the night, sometimes until 2 in the morning. Some nights you felt bluer than others you’d say the things you couldn’t say to anyone else.

“They’ve never welcomed me really” you said that night lying on your back playing with your hair. “It’s stupid I know,” you mulled over the thoughts “ I’m older now, it’s not like I need paternal attention…or guidance…but sometimes it would be nice to have a real mum again but all they do is push me away, sometimes I just feel…worthless. Like I mean nothing”

Sometimes it was nice to have someone to talk to about all sorts of meaningless rubbish, especially if they couldn’t answer back.

“So, did you write the notes for today?” you switched the subject taking a bite into your croissant.

Jan clapped her forehead stopping her chewing “oh shit, what notes”.

She ducked her head, looking at you for help under her dark lashes. Janice was just as useless with homework as you were.

“Guilt tripping me to share my homework that’s new” you chided and you both laughed.

“Life saver” Jan leant in for a quick hug.

You rolled your eyes and ducked your head under the table to find the essay in your bag.

“what would I do-” She cut off talking suddenly.

You noticed her pause and came up again, flicking your hair out of your face “what?”

There was a frightened look on Jan’s face. She was looking past your shoulder.

“There’s a man! A man staring at us!” she hissed, indicating directly behind you. You turned sharply, hair whipping behind you, following her finger.

There was no-one.

“What are you talking about?” You turned back to her with a smile and bobbed eyebrow “I don’t see anyone”.

“I swear there was a creepy guy stand like five meters away from us!” Jan’s eyes widened.

You pointed out that there were loads on guys on campus. It could have been anyone on their break.

“He looked too old to be a student” she shivered.

The warm air seemed to chill all of a sudden. There was a strong gust of wind that made you pull your jacket around you tighter.

You tried to relax her, Jan was known for being paranoid with things like this. “Well, a teacher then, what did he look like?”

“I don’t know, really tall, blond hair, dark clothes” you wrinkled your nose. You didn’t understand why she was so unnerved when he sounded so usual.

Jan jumped at the sound of a bird flapping its wings. You looked up to see the dark bird flutter out of a nearby tree and away.

You were about to say ‘that could be anybody Jan’ when she said something that made a shiver run down your spine:

“Sloane, he was staring right at you”

_*_

You played it off as a trick of the mind, she’d seen somebody passing by that happened to look over that was all.

She hadn’t eaten either which would explain her irrationality. Hunger could make you do funny things.

When break was over, she insisted you walk with her and other friends to class “just in case”. You’d never seen her so ruffled before. You didn’t bother dwelling on it for the rest of the day.

The walk home was lonely and miserable without being able to listen to music. It had started to spit again. Looks like you were in for a damp summer this year.

You felt a warm tingling sensation pass momentarily over you. Weird.

Across the street you noticed a two people, a man and a woman, you couldn’t see what they looked like properly but they were sprinting oddly down the street, holding hands. Huh. What was with everyone today.

When you got to the front door you groaned, remembering it was Brian and Kari’s anniversary tonight. Something you were exclusively excluded from. Again. But you were grateful for a whole evening of peace. Thankfully, they’d be gone all evening. You didn’t have any work to do so you could relax for once.

You turn the key in the door. You’d barely made it in five paces when Brian entered the living room struggling with his tie “you’re late!”.

Late? How could you be late? Surely, they weren’t going out already, at half past three?

You looked at him confused “I don’t-”

“Just tell your aunt you’re home” he grumbled patiently still struggling with the tie.

Kari was already dressed and looked as if she was ready to leave. She was pacing the kitchen up and down when you entered- still puzzled.

“Kari I-”

“There you are!” she sighed heavily seeing you walk in, clearly irritated “where have you been- we’ve been waiting on you for hours!”

Hours? What?

“But I just left college half an hour ago!” you argued. What was with them tonight?

“Don’t lie to me, Sloane, you’ve clearly been with your friends on the one night we specifically ask you to be home on time!”

“I’m always home on time” you threw up your hands. What the fuck?

How could you possibly be late? You noticed the grandfather clock in the hall chiming. You paced over to it to prove your point.

“Eight o’clock!” you cried in disbelief “it can’t be eight o’clock!”

Kari put her hands on her hips dismissively.

“You know very well what time it is, young lady, don’t play the fool with me- have you been drinking?”

You were dazed and confused. Where had five whole hours gone?

You felt your head, you had come over very faint.

“actually, I just- I don’t feel well” you breathed feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of you. You leant against the kitchen top for support.

“17 years old and wasted after school” Kari mumbled, fussing over her hair on the mirror above the wine rack. “And don’t think you can wriggle out of the chores tonight to nurse a hangover either! You;ll have to cook for yourself tonight, no take-aways”

You were barely listening “I won’t forget” you said meekly still trying to figure out the supposed time loss.

Nursing- whatever this was- was exactly what you felt like doing. Your head was swimming you wanted to drown out her high voice.

She half- heartedly listed the things that needed to be done, the food available in the fridge.

“-and I’ve asked Mrs. White next door to look out for you tonight so no funny business, parties-”

Seriously? Old Mrs. White, what were you 8?

“I’m not a child, Kari” you said through clenched teeth.

“Don’t use that tone with me madam” she raised her eyebrows . “You’ve pushed my buttons enough tonight” she picked up her handbag and frowned at you “maybe we need a talk when we get back, about growing up for one” .

Growing up? You couldn’t believe the nerve of her.

Brian looked itching to get away and eventually practically pulled Kari out the door, not after warning you away from using the tv or anything electrical. “I’ve counted it all” he said sternly. Brian didn’t trusted you either.

“Bye then” you said softly watching them leave through the window, laughing at something probably dull.

You observed the car pull away and down the street for the second time this week.

You were left to your own devices. Again.

You whipped the curtains together to stop that nosey cow from next door peering in.

With a huff, you sat on the loveseat with your feet tucked under you for a few minutes in the glow of the soft living room lamp. You wondered idly if all parents were like Kari and Brian.

Five hours? Sure, you stopped to tie your shoelace one or twice but five whole hours. You shook your head.

Even for a summer evening it was pitch black outside. You were certain it was bright even in the rain when you walked home. What the hell?

You ignored the list of chores Kari had set out for you to do, if she was going to treat you like a child, then a child you shall be, children didn’t do laundry “they watch TV and break rules” you said aloud finishing your own thoughts.

You decided to check on Moore first, who you’d completely forgotten about. Then TV. Maybe ice-cream if there was any. You didn’t fancy reheating a soup dish from previous nights.

On your way up the stairs you shook your head at the grandfather clock.

“Hi, I’m back” you peered into your room and watched where you put your foot in case you stepped on the bird. You turned the lamp on checking your room.

“Moore? You can come downstairs now if you like, only for a couple of hours though”

You peeked in the scarf nest “hellooo?”. Empty. Unsual.

The bird had probably left and hadn’t come back yet, it never normally stayed out at night for very long.

“Oh well, just me then” you said to nobody in particular. You weren’t in a talking mood anyway . TV didn’t feel that promising now.

You rested on your bed. Now that you had free time you didn’t know what to do with it.

You could do some sketching maybe. Where did you put your pencils last?

You hunted around your room for the usual places, in your pencil pot, on the shelves. Ah! You remembered! You yanked your beside table draw open to triumphantly find your sketching pencils- and a little red book.

The book the bird brought me.

All ideas of sketching vanished from your mind. You brushed the pencils aside in your drawer and picked the book up. You stared at it in your hands. There was a sudden desire to read it. It was only thin copy, right? You might as well try it out. You had time to kill.

You shut the drawer forgetting about the pencils and propped your head on a pillow, lying on your front. You opened the first page and began reading intently.

“Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl whose wicked step-mother treated her cruelly and kept her hidden away at home to clean the house,”

‘That rings a bell’, you thought with a smirk

“The young girl was practically her slave. But what no-one knew was that the king of the goblins had fallen in love with the girl, and he had given her certain powers”

You raised your eyebrows.

You ran your finger under the lines, muttering along the words on the pages aloud

“So one night when her stepmother had been particularly cruel to her, and the girl could stand her life no more, she called on the goblins for help: ‘say your right words and we will take you to the goblin city – and you will be free’ they said to her. So, on that very midnight, the girl cried through tears “I wish the goblins would come and take me away- right now”

A clap of thunder outside interrupted your murmuring but you shook your head pushing on .

This was getting strange and disturbing what kind of fairy-tale is this? Not for children surely.

When the first chapter was through you settled more comfortably on your bed against the headboard, you read on in your head.

-*-

You read the whole thing from cover to cover before ten o’clock. There was a persistent need to finish this book. You didn’t even realise you were reading at one point, you were so into it as if you were watching the scenes unfold from afar.

When you’d finished you sat thoughtfully for a while. What kind of twisted tale was that? What an emotional roller coaster that was to get through!

Yet, it all sounded so familiar, like it reminded you of something. You couldn’t think what though. You touched the bangle on your wrist instinctively.

Still, it was a good read. You’d have to tell the bird.

But the bird still wasn’t back.

You yawned widely. Maybe sleep was better than forcing yourself awake.

Turning the lamp off you left the book lying by you on the bed. It was freezing up here now, so you decide to sleep in your jeans, shirt and even your jacket, blanket over you. You didn’t even bother removing your trainers.

It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep, hugging the pillows to your chest.

_*_ “Here you are” the voice by your ear made you jump.

You turned “it’s you!” you immediately fell against him, hugging him.

“Well, well looks like somebody missed me” he smirked placing a cool gloved hand on the crown of your head which slipped to lightly grasp your shoulder. For some reason you could never think of the words to say to him. The right words.

You never questioned what this significant scene meant not that he’d be able to tell you anyway he was only a figment after all.

You didn’t question how the tall man knew you’d missed him, but then it was your subconscious speaking to you, you reminded yourself, so of course he’d know, whoever he was, clearly you’d picked him up in your memories somewhere along the line, you certainly didn’t recognise him now, and you still didn’t know his name but maybe you’d invent that later.

“Shall we?” He held out his arm for you to take.

From leaning your head slightly on his shoulder, you grinned, knowing what was coming.

The room burst into action between your blinks, it was the colour of ice and champagne décor to match. There seemed to suddenly be people everywhere -well, you thought they were people, they looked like people but maybe they weren’t, maybe they were whatever he was. You couldn’t quite believe he was human somehow, something in his gaze or in the fluidity of his movements.

You could never see their faces, initially the masks were a little unsettling but by now they seemed to feel comfortingly familiar. Strange how you seemed to pick up every detail, usually dreams were foggy and unclear, nothing ever made complete sense but this one you had down to a tee, everything was always crystal clear.

You looked down at yourself and smiled at the dress you were wearing again, its familiarity to you made it feel like an old family heirloom. You playfully swished the puffy material in your hands and released it, admiringly.

You looked back at him, kitted-out in his usual attire; long blue jacket, poet’s shirt and that hair. He was looking at you thoughtfully with a kind expression.

The mystery man automatically takes your right hand holding it at an angle, his free arm supported under yours to hold you in by the waist.

It was like an old film, the way the scenes changed so fast as if it were skipping, you were moving motion to motion quickly but then most dreams were this way weren’t they?

Gracefully you both twirled around the dance floor -everyone melting away it seemed. Even the sweet music muffled. You didn’t know how but somehow you always knew the right steps, you never tripped- not once.

You focused on how you were feeling now in this scene, everything felt so real, you’d pinched your own arm a couple of times in the past and sometimes give his shoulder a squeeze, you just couldn’t understand. You squeezed it a little now, , earning a cheeky grin from him.

He whisks you around faster than usual, taking you by surprise, and you let out a string of giggles, so thrilled. How you’d miss this. He seemed to enjoy your reaction, delighted he could make you so happy.

“Do you enjoy my visits, my love?” he suddenly said out of the blue.

Your attention snapped back and you wrinkled your nose at that with a puzzled smile. It wasn’t in his usual script. You decided played along with your subconscious anyway.

“Of course” you say boldly, what was the point in being shy after all, it wasn’t real. Still, a blush starts at the base of your throat and you keep your eyes focused on the scenes behind his ear so you don’t have to look him directly in the eye. You could feel him inching closer, but you pretend not to notice.

He twirled you and when you came back around he was closer still eye contact never breaking. You could feel his breath by your ear. Your spine tingled.

“Would you like to stay like this, forever?” his voice was always so silky soft but the way he said the last word was enough to put you on edge. You had been dancing for a while- you usually wake up before you can finish, why was tonight different?

“You still haven’t told me your name” you reminded him, changing the subject and willing yourself to focus anywhere but his eyes. How striking they were. Things seemed a little blurred now, you must be close to waking up.

“I can’t now” The tall man faltered with such kindness and pity in his eyes as if you should understand why he couldn’t, “but I will soon, but you have to accept me first”.

The dancing had begun to slow and soon the pair of you were stood still in an embrace waiting for you to say something. It seemed to be on the tip of your tongue but you couldn’t think of anything so you just said “I don’t understand”.

The mystery man seemed to falter but pushed on “you could live every day like this”.

You dithered in your confusion “I- I don’t know what to do” you didn’t like disappointing him; of course you wanted to stay in this beautiful dream, but that’s all it was.

He smiled sadly, as if reading your thoughts. The tall man drew back and you wanted to yell in frustration that he was leaving already when you wanted to know more. You physically felt a force pull him away from you.

“Wait!” you pleaded holding out your arm to grab him.

“All you have to do is accept” he said sadly watching from afar- your confusion. He repeated the words over and over and then when you felt yourself leaving said one more strange word that you didn’t understand.

“tonight”.

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ellerevelle · 5 years

Text

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order:

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home.

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy.

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh.

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead.

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her.

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me.

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it.

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face.

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked!

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many,

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon.

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise.

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to.

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else.

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE!

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love.

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer.

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane.

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat.

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories.

I only like my own brand of cigarettes.

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid.

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc.

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam.

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post.

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something.

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy.

No, I have become recently lazy.

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

#depression!

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart.

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE.

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but.

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened.

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life.

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out.

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner.

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run.

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh.

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin.

I need a job.

#fml

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greeneggsandhann · 5 years

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Hey guys. I’m Hannah. I am an Alcoholic and an Addict. Both Alcoholic and Addict are capitalized because I look at my addiction and alcoholism as an asset to my life rather than an expense. Here is my journey:

I know exactly where and when my disease started. It was 2010 and I was 16 years old. Some junior girls invited me to a sleepover with them. My friend and I have never drank before, so we thought this was going to be the perfect occasion, somewhere we were safe and somewhere we couldn’t get caught,...and if we did get caught by our parents, we wouldn’t actually get into any trouble other than a lecture or a very intense hangover. So, we all sat in a circle with two water bottles one filled with strawberry vodka and one filled with orange vodka. They taught and demonstrated how to take a “shot.” Step 1) Put a little bit of koolaid in your mouth Step 2) Drink the vodka Step 3) Chug the rest of the koolaid After I took that drink I remember my lips went numb along with my teeth. I thought this was crazy and I loved every feeling of it. We each had about 3 shots and within the hour we all were laughing and had a pretty good buzz going on. Things kept coming in and out for me. One minute I would be upstairs and the next I was downstairs trying to take more shots with my friend Jo. I finished the bottles and passed out in my own throw up. The next day when I woke up I was filled with shame and guilt because this poor girl had to clean up after me all night. I was mortified and embarrassed I couldn’t hang like the rest of them. Also, I felt like shit. Of course, I never would have known at that point in time that my brain functions differently than other peoples brain. In my 16 year old head I never thought I could be an alcoholic just by that one time.

I moved away from home for my first time and tried out college. I made up this huge bullshit story to my doctor about how I needed adderall to help me focus better in school. That was all I had to say and BOOM wish granted. The world in my hands. I could do so much more and actually enjoy anything I was doing while on it. About a month after I had gotten that script I dropped out of school and found a passion in the food service industry. Where I moved up fast. I Became a bartender and then moved up to management by the time I was 21. I was working long hours, close-open shifts. My tolerance with adderall built up. And I needed more and more to make it through the day. Eventually, my script lasted less than a week and that is when I started spending hundreds of dollars on adderall a month. When I didn’t have the money and couldn’t take it, I became a completely different person. I was irritable and lazy, always tired and pretty much careless. I remember thinking out loud one day to a friend about how much money I am spending on it and how I felt like I didn’t have any passion or care about anything when I was on it. But I didn’t think that was a stopping point I just wanted it to go back to how it used to be where I could take one per day and go to sleep at night without having to feel wired.

About a year of being an assistant manager, I was often tardy for my shifts. My best friend in the whole world fired me. It was something I needed. I needed to get out of the industry and move back home with my mom and save up some money. So that is what I tried to do. I stopped calling my doctor for the adderall because I knew it was killing me. That was when I started picking up pints of vodka. One day I had missed work because I got too fucked up during the day and passed out. I woke up to my mom screaming at me. So I got in my car and was on my way to my aunts. On the way I was hit by a huge SUV. I was still drunk and didn’t have my seat belt on and passed out in the car for a few minutes. When I woke up there were so many lights, firetrucks, an ambulance. My head was gushing blood. At my window there was the couple who were in the other car. I started screaming and crying and they were the sweetest couple ever. They hugged me and asked if they could pray with me. So we prayed. I was off in the ambulance next and asked them to take me to Mercy Health hospital because there must be some God there waiting for me. That happened to be the nurse who clearly knew what had happened but refused to do any blood work on me that could check my BAC. She was an angel and stitched up my head with no judgement whatsoever.

My next brilliant idea was to move to Detroit with my cousin, Jewell. Find a new scenery away from everything kinda like a fresh start for me. I was doing pretty good there. I didn’t have very much money to drink and no adderall. I found a good job at the airport. Then started bartending again and suddenly had good meeting so I started drinking more and more. Started buying pints every night to just chill and have a little fun and something to look forward to. Never really thought it was a big deal, but I never told my cousin about it either because she would be all weird and try to tell me I shouldn’t be drinking so much and watching my every move. So it was my little secret. Work was going well. Longer shifts were getting more difficult to me and I couldn’t understand why. I started getting really dizzy and felt like I was going to faint. My hands would shake and I was sweat profusely. I thought I had vertigo or something like that. Not once did I blame it on the alcohol.

The year went by and I moved out. My car broke down. Back at home with my mom and my brother. Drinking a lot. Having mental breakdowns often. Haunting dreams. That brought me to Pine Rest where I was an impatient for mental illness and drug abuse. I went into this facility thinking “its unrealistic I am never going to have a drink again.” That kind of attitude. When I left there I felt so good for the first time in a while.

About a month later I got wasted while working. I was taking xanax and sneaking shots while I was working. I got sent home. Probably fired. I drove and smashed my brand new 2015 honda civic into a parked car. Tried to start my car and get away. But my car was too smart and notified the police. I blew .31 and was still functional (kinda) So i went to Jail, and I tried every kind of way to get out. That includes faking a seizure and scratching so hard my wrists would bleed. Obviously, that didn’t work. I was too embarrassed and did not want to face my guilt and shame to call someone, so I didn’t. ohhhhh but they found me. and brought the whole litter to pick me up. (aunts cousins niece brother mom) I was offered to go to rehab that day and I told them that jail was rehab enough,

One month after that incident I was on my way back from Detroit I was feeling really sad and depressed and I had a lot of thoughts about suicide in my head. I was drinking the whole way back and made the selfish decision to speed up and hit a semi going 85 mph on the freeway. I didnt know what the plan was in that moment, I didn’t know if I actually wanted to die or just wanted a scare. It was so selfish and I cannot believe I would ever put other people at risk. I am so ashamed to this day. The cop asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital or get breathalyzed. I choose the hospital. my BAC was 5X over the legal limit. and when my aunt and my mom showed up I cried and told them I was ready to go to rehab and I needed help. The next day I was checked into Brighton rehab center for two weeks.

Rehab was amazing. It is not a bad place to be. Its a safe and comfortable place to share your emotions and to withdraw without any judgement. I made life long friends and learned so much about recovery there.

Right after that trip I continued going to my SMART Recovery meetings and had just moved into a sober living house. I was doing really well I had gotten a job, learned how the bus system works. I learned so damn much in that month of being there. But another Relapse happened. It was a 4 day relapse. This time I was DONE.

I made my second trip to Brighton rehab center for two weeks. I knew this was not enough, After that, I admitted myself into the Sanford house for 44 days of rehab. I was doing well and I was nervous about leaving because I would actually have to start connecting with people at meetings etc. I really wanted to give AA a try so i started attending meetings. I found a sponsor right away who is truly amazing. She has taught me so much and guided me through the steps. I started going to YPAA meetings and connecting with young people in recovery. I have made so many life long friends through all of this. I had finally found a hope that I never thought could exist. I know that this is still early recovery and some people might say it’s my “pink cloud” but I have seen so much God in my life right now. Finally, I feel free and I feel actual Joy and contentment.

Being an Alcoholic and an Addict is an asset to my life. Because without this disease I would not be the strong and hopeful woman I am today, It is so amazing to be able to say I am Proud of me.

Long post. Thanks for reading. If you or anyone you know are struggling with addiction and need some support or an ear. PLEASE do not hesitate to contact in my messages on here.

Thanks again for reading. KEEP COMING BACK IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT AND IT SUCKS IF YOU DONT

ONE DAY AT A TIME

#sober #sobriety #drunk #alcohol #alcohlism #addict #life #alcoholics anonymous #onedayatatime #justfortoday #recovery #story #hope #sponsor #12steps #smart recovery

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chacusha · 5 years

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FFVI live-blogging (1/?)

While I wait for all my game consoles and my PC to make their way here, I decided I would replay Final Fantasy VI on an emulator. In particular, I’m trying out the GBA edition for the very first time. Exciting!

Little known fact: I have never finished FFVI despite it being one of my favorite games. I have probably started a new game and played through a significant portion of the story about five or six times (the farthest I got was the World of Ruin after having re-collected most of party again i.e. able to fight Kefka at any point but still dicking around with sidequests).

Followup fact: This is because there are some aspects of this game that I struggle with because I’m really obsessive about how I play games. In particular, the magicite/Esper system is really hard for me to deal with, because I obsessively try to make sure every person in my party builds up a fairly complete repertoire of magic, which takes an insane amount of grinding. (And then I don’t really use magic other than healing spells, so uh... I don’t know why I do that.) The second thing is Gau’s Rage skills. I also get really obsessive about building up a fairly complete collection, which usually involves HOURS of grinding on the Veldt (an activity that doesn’t even give EXP, apparently? somehow I never realized that...).

So anyway, I’m now at the point where Terra rejoins your party after turning into her esper form (and Celes is back in the empire). In other words, I am now at the point where I have a new flood of magicite and the Veldt is newly accessible again and uh... it might be a while before I move on. 😅

Anyway some thoughts:

One thing I like about the early Final Fantasy games is how obviously inspired they are by Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, and I think FFVI is the game that makes that inspiration most clear. The story framing of a small group of people (each of them a distinguished person in their own right -- a king, a general, the strongest knight of a kingdom, a gambling airship pilot, etc. etc.) band together to take down an expansionist empire against all odds, even if that means sneaking behind enemy lines to carry out a dangerous mission. (I forever love Biggs and Wedge, and the “Aren’t you a little short to be an Imperial trooper?” line.)

I love the maximally steampunk aesthetic of Figaro Castle going into submerging mode.

Edgar is a very similar character to Ringabel -- charming and flirts with every woman in a kind of gallant way. Despite how that kind of behavior would be irritating in real life (and occasionally crosses into sketchy territory, like when flirting with children), they are both perennially popular characters among women. I find that fascinating. Like, I also know I’d find that behavior annoying if I encountered it in real life, but I also really enjoy both of these characters??

The reveal of Locke’s literal dead girlfriend in a basement will never not be amazingly hilarious, creepy, and very sad all at the same time.

Guy in Jidoor: “After they threw out all the poor people in town...” Me: After they did what now? (Not sure how I feel about the class politics of “all the poor people are pathological liars” that is Zozo. Then again, they also had a “rich dude betrayed everyone in South Figaro to fascists the empire for money” so maybe that makes up for it.)

The opera scene is still A+++. Like, one of the things that make it so great is that the sets (like the balcony that Celes is on) would be crazy amazing if they actually existed in real life. Like, imagine going to the opera, and they have this amazing multi-level tower, complete with a balcony, pillars, and a beautiful night sky backdrop. You’d be like, holy shit, they didn’t hold back!!

Having played FFIX, I now can see how much of FFVI is in that game. The theatre troupe, the auction house, the lady-protecting thief, etc. are all very familiar.

The scene with Celes and Locke in the Magitek Factory (where Kefka claims that Celes was on the Empire’s side the entire time) reads differently to me than it did in the SNES version for some reason. I always thought that Celes was obviously what she appeared to be (a deserting general) and that Locke’s “omg is it true, Celes?? 😧” reaction was just him being dumb/gullible. But during this playthrough, this scene makes it seem like Celes actually WAS meant to infiltrate the Returners and she had a change of heart halfway through. I think the reasons it reads differently are (1) that there isn’t as much flavor text that indicates Celes’s character or personality (the SNES description of Celes having “a spirit as pure as snow” makes it sound like she deserted the Empire because she could no longer stand its crimes, but the more accurate GBA description that people have never seen the woman that lies underneath the general simply suggests that she is hard to read AKA a good spy), and (2) Kefka’s more detailed claim that Celes “deserted” and was “rescued” in order to infiltrate the Returners seems too specific for him to be making that up on the fly. I wonder if that was the writers’ intention, though... Okay, wow, looking up information on the FF Wikia and comparing game scripts, and I think spy!Celes is canon: “Celes was originally meant to be a ‘conflicted spy’ archetype—a spy working for the antagonists, but swayed by the benevolence of the people she was supposed to be spying on and how nice Locke was to her.” Woolsey translation: Cid: Can it be true that you came here as a spy, seeking to cause an uprising!? Locke: !? Celes...? Kefka: So that's it! Magicite... Cid, you miserable blockhead! Now... General Celes!! The game's over. Bring me those Magicite shards! Locke: Celes! You... decieved me!? Celes: Of course not! Have a little faith! Kefka: G'hee, hee, hee! She has tricked you all! Celes, that's so... YOU! Celes: Locke... Please believe me... GBA translation: Cid: Is it true you worked your way in amongst the rebels as a spy? Locke: ...!? Celes...? Kefka: Oh, I see! Magicite...! Excellent work, Cid! General Celes! We needn't keep up the charade any longer. Bring me those magicite crystals! Locke: Celes! You...tricked us!? Celes: Of course not! Please, trust me! Kefka: Hee-hee-hee! The sweet taste of betrayal! Oh, Celes! That's so...you! Celes: Locke... Believe me... (Cid’s line is no longer ambiguous which side Celes is spying for. Coming from Cid (a more reliable character than Kefka), the story that Celes is a spy is not so easily dismissed. Kefka is also so unruffled at encountering Celes in a secure empire facility that it just doesn’t seem like he’s improvising either...)

I love the Maduin flashback. I don’t know if it’s significantly different/pared down in the English SNES version or what, but those scenes never really stuck with me before... But seeing them this playthrough? OMG the feels. First, the ominous esper music playing throughout is so Atmospheric and Foreboding. You really get the feeling that the events depicted changed the fate of the world. (Also, it reminds me of this track from the Sailor Moon RPG, which is also a great track.) Second, Madeline is such a clear and striking character given how little screentime she has. The one trait she most clearly has is, like, a misanthropic hatred of humanity. And throughout her scenes, you get this really strong impression that she’s really fierce, bitter, and almost... thorny? Like really hard to get close to -- a determined loner. Third, the Maduin/Madeline relationship -- first off, I appreciate the metaphorical sex scene where they dance/fly around a cave together and drop two sparkles that combine to form a baby. Second, that last scene where Madeline kind of foolishly runs off and Maduin chases after her and they have this “you’re being a dummy” “I know” “let’s go home” kind of tender moment before EVERYTHING GOES WRONG. Ouch my heart.

Also, it strikes me that Terra and Aerith are very parallel characters -- half-human, half-supernatural race, captured and experimented on as a baby, mom dies trying to save her, etc.

Also, I find Gestahl a very unsettling character. I feel like Kefka is the Voldemort or Bellatrix of Final Fantasy VI -- unstable, weird, very over-the-top, god complex villain who screams “eeeeevil” with his design -- while Gestahl is the Umbridge of Final Fantasy VI -- civil, polite, reasonable, functional, and yet utterly uncaring and dismissive of other people’s concerns. Whereas with the Kefka type, you’re like, “who would follow this person?” and don’t feel threatened, Gestahl is not only a person people would follow; he’s a person many people already ARE. That’s scary to me.

#final fantasy vi #video game liveblogging #ffvi liveblogging

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evenstevensranked · 6 years

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#6: Season 1, Episode 18 - “Movie Madness”

Louis takes a stab at directing a short film in hopes of winning the Sacramento Young Peoples Film Festival and it is absolutely incredible. Not the film, the film is god awful. But Louis’ blatant, unfiltered narcissism -- THAT is something to behold. The subplot follows yet another one of Ren’s attempts to approach Bobby Deaver for the first time but somehow results in some glorious miscommunication between her and recurring character Ivan.

This one opens in history class with a teacher named Todd Zanders who only appears in this one episode. I kinda love this guy and wish we saw more of him. He’s a total hippie and is making the class take “deep, cleansing breaths -- in with the good, out with the bad” when Louis comes running in late and disrupts the peace. Louis is clearly excited about something so Todd pulls the old “why don’t you share with the rest of the class” card, probably hoping that will intimidate Louis and shut him up, but this is Louis Stevens we’re talking about here. Todd technically gave him the floor, so ya know Louis is gonna run with it. He gets up on his chair and announces to everyone that he’s going to be entering his currently non-existent film in the Sacramento Young Peoples Film Festival.

“I, Louis Stevens, will be entering my film in the Sacramento Young Peoples Film Festival. And after I win first place in the festival and get my million dollar movie deal... I will, sadly, be moving to Beverly Hills to a sprawling ranch home.” -- The narcissism is already in full swing. I love it. I also love that Louis says he’ll be moving to a ranch home because he already stated in Episode 15 that he’s “always liked ranch style!” houses. Good continuity.

Louis goes on to say he’ll be needing a limo driver, a gardener and even suggests that Todd should be his personal chef. Oh my god. He tells Tawny, Twitty, and Tom to meet him at his house after school to discuss the logistics of the project and its million-dollar plot.

It cuts to the subplot where we meet both Ruby and Bobby for the first time! Ruby is reporting to Ren with her latest gossip column and the two of them end up checking out Bobby Deaver from across the hall. I just gotta include a gif of Bobby’s first appearance because the level of intentional dramatic cheese is hilarious.

Ren is gushing over Bobby from afar saying things like “He’s so cute. Look at his hair... It’s perfect. Look at his walk! He’s so cool!” and for whatever reason, everyone’s favorite lackey Ivan is within earshot and assumes Ren is crushing on him. He’s flying solo in this episode and I guess this shows us why he’s a hanger-on every other time we see him. Ivan on his own is pretty sad and shy.

Ivan under the impression that Ren’s compliments are directed at him.

Ruby inspires Ren to talk to Bobby but warns Ren that she should write down everything she wants to say to him beforehand to ensure their first conversation will be absolutely perfect. We get a bit later on where Ren is in her room trying to come up with an ideal icebreaker and oh my freaking god. This has got to be one of my favorite Ren scenes in the entire series. Good LORD! She imagines how each scenario could play out in her head and I die laughing every time. Two brilliant ideas she comes up with are to walk right up to Bobby and say “Hey, Bobby. Nice belt!” or my personal favorite: “Hey, Bobby! Oh, I wouldn’t try that Salisbury steak if I were you!” The writing on this show is so incredibly random sometimes that it only ever results in greatness. Also “Nice belt!” is so disturbing. She says it in the most suggestive way too. Why are you staring at.. that... region, Ren?! Each ridiculous scenario ends with Bobby making the most irritated and confused face and completely ignoring her... because, I mean... would you know what to say to someone who walks up to you, creepily smiles, and tells you to avoid eating Salisbury steak with no further explanation?

I just realized that this show often depicts girls as being the first ones to make a move or initiate a relationship, which is kinda cool since we’re pretty much conditioned to sit around and wait.

After everything, Ren ultimately decides that marching up to him and saying “Hi, Bobby! I have a big crush on you and I just wanted to let you know how I feel!” is the best way to go.

It cuts to Louis’ room where he’s having that meeting with Tawny, Twitty, and Tom. Once again, we see Louis determined to find his "thing." That’s pretty much what the overall theme of the show originally set out to be. In addition to our lovely bickering siblings, of course. Here, he’s super optimistic that he’s finally found his “thing” in writing/directing. Sweetie!!! Your thing is comedy!! We all know this already!!!! But, still. I really enjoy the idea of Louis constantly searching for something to excel at. He explains to them that “Everyone has their thing. Twitty has his music! You’ve got your poetry! Tom’s got..... his... parents!” HAHA. Poor Tom.

Louis goes on to brief the gang on the plot of the movie which he describes as “the classic love story about an alien (Tawny) and a cowboy (Twitty).” An instant classic, honestly. Louis truly believes that they’ll “walk in as nobodies, and walk out as stars” after appearing in his movie. Well, everyone except Tom -- who he relegates to the role of his assistant.

”I see stars.”

It cuts straight to filming and boy do things really get going now. Louis has transformed part of the living room into a tinfoil explosion, which I’m assuming is supposed to be the inside of a spaceship. (see cover photo.) This episode is FULL of amazing dialogue and quotes from Louis. It’s insane! So, as usual, it’s going to be very difficult for me to not quote every single one. Twitty decided that his cowboy should have giant mutton chop sideburns and speak with an English accent without consulting Louis, Louis gets insulted because “that’s not in the script” -- which Twitty and Tawny haven’t even been given yet. Once they get their scripts, however, they’re confused as to why it’s only one page. Louis, being the informed and gifted director he thinks he is, condescendingly explains “We’re only shooting scene 27 today. We shoot out of order. It’s called filmmaking.” Except everyone knows that films shoot out of order due to the availability and scheduling of the sets/locations and actors, etc. Louis Stevens has only two actors at his indefinite disposal and seemingly one set location. He’s literally shooting out of order for no reason and is completely oblivious. It’s great.

Louis can’t be bothered with rehearsals, blocking, or any other necessary steps towards making a movie and jumps straight to filming. Tawny is unsure of what he wants her to do because “all that script said was ‘the spaceship lands and the alien looks around.’” Louis has no time for her valid confusion and snaps “THAT’S RIGHT. YOU’RE CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED. DID YA READ IT?!?!” I love this so much. Louis starts recording and Tawny vents out of character/as herself: “This is ridiculous. I don’t know where I am! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!” and Louis praises her ‘performance.’ HAHAHAHAHAHA.

“GENIUS! THAT IS GENIUS! RIGHT ON THE MONEY, BABE! RIGHT ON THE MONEY!”

I’m not even sure how to review the next part of the episode because the performances truly speak for themselves and I gotta stop myself from typing out a transcript of the whole thing, lol. Basically, Louis goes into full meltdown mode. Freaking out over Tawny saying “Hi, Cowboy” instead of “Hello,” Twitty’s unauthorized addition of a gold tooth for his cowboy, and Ren interrupting a scene. “PEOPLE, THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY. THIS IS A MOVIE. IT’S MY MOVIE. WHICH I WILL NOT LET YOU MESS UP!” He instructs Twitty and Tawny to meet him outside for a saloon scene. Except Louis doesn’t have saloon money:

Twitty: “Louis! What is this, man? Where’s the rest of the saloon?!” Louis: “CUT! Twitty, it’s a close-up. No one’s gonna see the saloon!! Let’s try it again. But this time, give me a little more.” Twitty: “More what?!” Louis: “JUST MORE!!!!!!”

-- Louis Stevens, everyone. The greatest director of our time. 10/10 would recommend.

We get possibly the greatest line in the whole episode when they start filming and a lawnmower revs up as soon as Louis shouts ‘action.’ He cannot believe the audacity of his neighbor and shouts “WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THE NOISE?! WHO MOWS THEIR LAWN ON WEDNESDAY?!?!?!” Things only get worse when the sprinklers randomly turn on too. At this point, Louis is #confirmed crazy.

“TOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I also love Louis’ little toilet paper roll that serves absolutely no real purpose.

The next day, they move on to filming the big finale scene where Zenobia the Alien takes off in her spaceship, leaving her cowboy lover behind. Louis originally intended for it to take place during a harsh winter blizzard and assigned Tom the responsibility of making convincing snowflakes. Tom shows up with this:

“TOM, YOU CHOWDERHEAD! I ASKED FOR SNOWFLAKES, NOT DOILIES!”

Louis has no choice but to ditch the blizzard and changes it to “a blazing desert windstorm in the middle of fall.” Okay. Zenobia’s spaceship is a tiny tinfoil thing way up in the trees and Tawny’s like “......how am I supposed to get up there?!” and Tom arrives with a “harness” that’s actually just a freaking elastic luggage rope as if that’s going to handle Tawny’s weight. But Louis assures her “of course it’s safe!!!” because he had Tom test it on a 20-pound sack of potatoes. Sounds legit.

Is he gonna add that “blazing desert windstorm” in post, or?

They start filming and sure enough, the “harness” breaks and Tawny falls a good 8 feet to the ground. Louis couldn’t care less though and the gang is D O N E with him at this point. They all quit the project on the spot, leaving Louis to finish the movie himself. Tom was the last one to quit and it’s pretty sad. Louis immediately looks to Tom as a last resort and expects him to step in and help finish the movie, but Tom flat out says “you’re only nice to me when you want something” and Louis has no remorse like “yeah, so?” -- This is the only part of the episode that kills me. But even so, you can tell that Louis is realizing the error of his ways pretty quickly.

Louis left sad and deserted. “I CAN FINISH THIS MOVIE BY MYSELF!!! .....It’s my ‘thing’.”

Unfortunately, finishing the movie himself includes having to play every role himself as well. Louis is confident that if he shoots at the right angle and disguises his face and voice, no one will be able to tell the difference: “It’s called Movie Magic.”

Ren: “I’m sorry, little three-eyed girl, but do you know where my brother is?”

It cuts back to the subplot. Remember how Ren wrote a hypothetical note to Bobby just to get her thoughts down? Well, she gave it to Ruby to read and Ruby proceeded to stuff it into Bobby’s history textbook without Ren’s permission. Great job, Ruby. Unsurprisingly, Ren is livid. I would be too. Ren is a mess during history class, sweating the moment when Bobby will take out his book. So she crawls on the ground and tries to sneakily retrieve the note from his backpack. This is pretty funny. Her teacher is the same hippie guy, Todd, and this time he’s making Ren’s class do stretches “for knowledge, focus, and concentration.” Once Ren is spotted on the ground lookin’ like a weirdo, she makes up some bogus excuse that she was “squatting for truth!” HAHAHA.

She’s unable to get the note back in time, but amazingly... the note isn’t even in Bobby’s book! Turns out Ivan and Bobby bumped into each other in the hallway earlier and accidentally swapped books in the process. Therefore, the note was delivered to Ivan. You guys know I love a good miscommunication plot. They never fail to make me laugh. Ivan dramatically approaches her later and says “Ren... It needs to end. The looks in the hall, love notes...” I really love Eric Jungmann’s performance here. He’s pretty hilarious and obliviously arrogant, thinking that Ren is in love with him. One thing I never understood was how Ivan could think the note was written for him though? Because I’m SURE Ren must’ve written Bobby’s name somewhere on there! Unless she was keeping it super mysterious for whatever reason. Anyway, Ivan says “Please, Ren. Don’t speak. I’m gonna walk away now. Try not to watch me.” I love it. That’s the end of the subplot. Much like in Surf’s Up, I wish this miscommunication plot had more layers!!

Ren just stares at him all ~fake-emotional~ and lets him believe what he wants to believe lol.

CUT TO THE FILM FESTIVAL!!! Which takes place at the real-life Vista Theatre in Los Angeles. (Another filming location I’ve added to my bucket list, tbh.) Louis is clearly anxious while waiting around for the festival to kick off and is kinda dreading the ~big premiere~ of his million-dollar movie. He’s sort of standing there rambling random things off to people like ‘have your people call my people!’ and at one point walks alongside a guy and says “yada, yada, yada... let’s just talk about somethin’!” -- Seinfeld reference, anyone?! Crazy to think that the “Yada Yada” episode first aired a mere 4 years before this at the time. I just thought that line was another awesome, subtle thing to throw in and makes for a cool connection to Louis’ Kramer poster. Of course, Louis Stevens would casually quote Seinfeld! I bet it was an ad-lib, honestly. Shia’s the best.

In the end, Twitty, Tawny, and Tom eventually show up in support of Louis and his movie. Louis apologizes for acting like a jerk and Tom even vows to put “the snowflake incident” behind them. It’s a nice moment before the premiere of what might be the best worst movie ever made, only in competition with Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.

Let’s just say, “Three Eyes Wide Shut” premiered to... mixed... reviews from the audience. It's very embarrassing. We never actually see the finished product. They only show us a few scenes, which always bummed me out. So I took it upon myself to edit together what “Three Eyes Wide Shut” might’ve turned out like given everything we saw Louis film. And it’s... something:

vimeo

The intro alone kills me. You know a movie’s gonna be a doozy when the opening credits are typed in Comic Sans. Notice how at the very end Tom mispronounces his own name?! He definitely says “Tom Griblaowski.” Really weird.

Needless to say, Louis is absolutely mortified by how awful his movie was. He tries hiding by attempting to blend in with some cardboard cutouts in the lobby, but... you can kinda see him there.

Fun Fact: I was recently binge-watching “That’s So Raven” in preparation for the “Raven’s Home” spin-off, and I was so shocked to discover how many actors they recycled from Even Stevens. Beans, Cynthia Mills, The Asian radio announcer guy, the “Look Smart, Be Smart” instructional tape guy, Beans’ cousin Chris, Mr. Crappizi the school photographer -- the list goes on and on. And if that wasn’t enough... THEY EVEN RECYCLED THESE CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS!!!!!

I DIED LAUGHING AS SOON AS I SAW THIS. Oh my god. I obviously recognized it right away. All of this recycling makes sense though, as both shows were produced by Brookwell/McNamara. But, like... wow. Amazing. After the movie, Twitty and Tom try to make Louis feel better by telling him “You got into the festival, didn’t you?! And they only took the Top 10 entries!” Which would’ve been nice... except Louis explains “Everyone got accepted. There were only 9 entries.” HAHAHAHA. As Twitty and Tom head home, Tawny emerges from the theater and her mind is still reeling from the movie. She’s the only other person on the planet who understood the message Louis was trying to convey which is apparently “feeling like an outsider and wanting to be accepted by your peers.” Yeah, right.

I always thought it was a nice touch that Tawny wore a green shirt with eyes on it to the premiere of the movie. Definitely feels like a little tribute to Zenobia, lol.

This is really great though because it sets up Louis and Tawny again nicely. It further establishes that Tawny understands Louis better than anyone else. She got the point of his film when no one else did. She asks if they can watch it again and after they do, all we hear is a sultry voiceover of Tawny saying "I liked it even better the second time" - Oh, God. This always made me really uncomfortable lol. The episode ends with fake “bloopers” from the making of the movie and I can’t deal with it. Interestingly, I watched this episode on TV not too long ago and they cut out Tom's rapid-fire accented quote "Taco burrito, nacho's premio, $1.89 for a limited time, you know what I'm saying?" -- Is that considered offensive or racially insensitive now? I’m assuming. I have no idea but, I thought that was weird and suspicious.

And that’s it!

I love this episode. So, so much. There’s an aspect to it that is very ahead of its time. Like I mentioned, quality quotes are flying left and right in this one! The humor is ON POINT and the performances are stellar. Especially from Shia! I always say that this is one of the episodes where Louis is at his most ‘Michael Scott.’ There’s just this level of hilariously endearing narcissism that Michael exudes all throughout The Office’s run mixed with that signature dry humor and I get those vibes from Louis so strongly here. It makes me SO HAPPY. I mean, yeah, I usually don’t like it when Louis’ ugly side makes an appearance, but it’s beyond tolerable for me in this one because the plot is just so hysterical. As entertaining as Michael’s narcissism was, it also got him in a lot of trouble as well. Often resulting in very cringe-worthy moments or people resenting him, which we see happen to Louis here. Idk. I just love finding similarities between my favorite shows. This episode also reminds me of when Michael wrote and directed his own terrible movie “Threat Level Midnight.” HAHA.

I love Ren’s side story, too. It’s one of her stronger/funnier ones for sure. The miscommunication always gets me and the plot is also pretty important because we’re introduced to Bobby and Ruby! I’m ranking this one juuuuust shy of the Top 5 due to it having two separate plots. My Top 5 are all episodes that interweave A and B plots because I feel like Even Stevens just works better that way in general. But, still. That doesn’t take away from how solid this episode is. It literally meets all of my criteria: Personal favorite, quality plotline, quotable dialogue, hilarity, iconicness, overall entertainment value, and there’s even some character development too! So good.

Thanks for reading!!

Just so y’all know, I actually managed to get “Three Eyes Wide Shut” listed as a legitimate short film on IMDb. I am not kidding. Please feel free to leave a sarcastic review. It’s currently boasting a 6.0. LOL!

For this episode’s Redbubble design, you can get a reproduction of the Three Eyes Wide Shut theatrical poster!! Omg. This is one of the first things I designed and it’s been sitting in my Redbubble drafts for months. I’m so excited to publish it! haha. The poster can be seen on Louis’ bedroom wall throughout the series! I also made a little “A Louis Stevens Production” design (Comic Sans and poor capitalization and all) with Louis as the MGM Lion, lol.

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#rank #season 1 #even stevens #louis x tawny #louis and tawny #shia labeouf #louis stevens #ren stevens #tv review #disney channel #tom gribalski #alan twitty #tawny dean #bobby deaver #the office #michael scott #ruby mendel #ivan #that's so raven

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nedraggett · 7 years

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Run ragged

It didn’t work. And while I wasn’t surprised by that, I did want to tease out why, at least for myself.

I honestly was openly skeptical of Blade Runner 2049 for a while, so I can’t hide my bias there. I wasn’t totally ‘salt the earth and never mention it again’ then and am certainly not saying that now. But each new trailer left me feeling more ‘uh...really?’ and the explosion of immediate praise from many critics even more so. I wasn’t contrarian, and neither did I think groupthink was at work, but I suspected a massive wish fulfillment was.

So I generally avoided reactions after that and figured I’d wait for things to die down a bit -- even more quickly than I might have guessed, seeing its swiftly collapsing commercial performance over here. My Sunday early afternoon showing near here was about maybe 2/3 full on its third weekend, so it’s found an audience, but I’m in San Francisco -- I expected an audience there. Enough friends have posted theater shots where they were the only person in the room to know this is dying off as an across the board thing, and never probably was.

I’m not glad it failed, but I’m not surprised -- in fact, being more blunt, I think it deserved not to be a hit. The key reason for me played itself out over its length -- it was boring. It’s a very boring movie. It’s not a successful movie except in intermittent moments.

That said, of course not everyone agreed (I’ll recommend as an indirect counterpoint to my thoughts this piece by my friend Matt, which went up earlier today). And boredom is not the sole reason for me to crucify it -- there were a variety of things one can address. I’ll note two at the start since they could be and in a couple of cases I’ve seen were particular breaking points for others:

* The sexual politics of the movie, however much meant to be in line with the original scenario as playing out a certain logic, were often at least confused or hesitant within a male gaze context, at most lazily vile beyond any (often flatly obvious) point-making. I often got a mental sense of excuses that could be offered along the lines of ‘well...you know, it’s supposed to be like that in this world, it’s a commentary!,’ which is often what I’ve seen in positive criticism of, say, Game of Thrones. Maybe. That said: not that any sort of timing played into it, but the fact that Harvey Weinstein’s downfall began two days before release, and the resulting across-board exposure and on-the-record testimonials from many women against far too many men, couldn’t really be escaped. Further, since the fallout was first felt, after all, in the film industry, seeing any film, new or old, through the lens of what’s acceptable and who gets through what hoops -- and who is broken by the experience -- is always important. It’s not for nothing to note that the original film’s female lead Sean Young got shunted into the ‘she’s crazy’/’too much trouble’ file in later years where male actors might perhaps find redemption; the fact that she played a small part in the new film made me think a bit more on her fate than that of her character’s. (Another point I saw a few women brought up as well -- having a key to the whole story be pregnancy and childbirth as opposed to infertility wasn’t warmly received.)

* It’s a very...white future. Not exclusively, certainly. But people of color barely get a look in, a quick scene here, a cameo there. A black female friend of mine just this morning said this over on FB about the one African American actor whose character got the most lines, saying:

to have the only significant black character be this awful, creepy man who seemed to be an "overseer" type to the children, was really uncomfortable and another perfect example of scifi using an 'other' narratives or american slave narrative but within a white context. We all know what it's supposed to represent and so it's just straight up lazy writing at the end of the day and exploitative.

Meantime, another sharp series of comments elsewhere revolved around how a film perhaps even more obviously drenched than the original in an amalgamated East Asian imaginary setting for the Los Angeles sequences barely showcased anyone from such a background. Dave Bautista certainly makes an impact at the start, but after that? The fact that I can think of three speaking roles for actors of that (wide) background in the original, as in actually having an exchange with a lead character, and only one in this one, maybe two if you count the random shouting woman in K’s apartment building, is more than a little off. Add in a ‘Los Angeles,’ or a wider SoCal if you like, that aside from Edward James Olmos’s short cameo apparently has nobody of Mexican background, let alone Central American, in it, and you gotta wonder. My personal ‘oh really’ favorite was the one official sign that was written in English and, I believe, Sanskrit. Great visual idea; can’t say I saw anyone of South Asian descent either.

Both these very wide issues, of course, tie in with the business and the society we’re all in -- but that’s no excuse. And there are plenty of other things I could delve into even more, not least my irritation over the generally flatly-framed dialogue shots in small offices that tended to undercut the grander vistas, or how the fact that Gosling’s character finding the horse carving had been telegraphed so far in advance that it was resolutely unremarkable despite all the loud music, etc. My key point remains: boring. A sometimes beautifully shot and visually/sonically striking really dull, draggy, boring film.

The fair question though is why I think that. A friend in response to that complaint as echoed by others joked what we would make of Bela Tarr films, to which I replied that I own and enjoy watching Tarkovsky movies. Slow pace and long shots aren’t attention killers for me per se; if something is gripping, it will be just that, and justify my attention. Meanwhile, the original film famously got dumped on for also being slow, boring, etc at the time, and plenty can still feel that way about it. Blade Runner’s reputation is now frightfully overburdened and certainly I’ve contributed to it mentally if not through formal written work; it succeeds but is a flawed creation, and strictly speaking the two big complaints I’ve outlined above apply to the predecessor as much as the current film, it’s just a matter of degrees otherwise. But if you told me I had to sit down and watch it, I’d be happy to. Tell me to do the same with this one, I would immediately ask for the ability to skip scenes.

I’ve turned it all over in my head and these are three elements where things fell apart for me, caused me to be disengaged -- not in any specific order, but I’m going to build outward a bit, from the specific to the general, and with specific contrast between the earlier film and the new one. These discontinuities aren’t the sole faults, but they’re the ones I’ve been thinking about the most.

First: it’s worth noting that the new film brings in a lot of specific cultural elements beyond the famed advertising and signs. Nabokov’s Pale Fire is specifically singled out both as a visual cue and as an element in K’s two police station evaluations, for instance. Meanwhile, musically, I didn’t quite catch what song it was Joi was telling K about early in the film but a check later means it must have been Sinatra’s “Summer Wind,” featured on the soundtrack. Sinatra himself of course shows up later as a small holographic performance in Vegas, specifically of “One For My Baby,” while prior to that K and Deckard fight it out while larger holographic displays of older Vegas style revues and featured performers appear glitchily -- showgirls, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis in his later pomp, Liberace complete with candleabra. All of this makes a certain sense and on the one hand I don’t object to it.

But on the other I do. Something about all that rubbed me the wrong way and I honestly wasn’t sure why -- the Nabokov bit as well, even the quick Treasure Island moment between Deckard and K when they first talk to each other. The answer I think lies with the original film. It’s not devoid of references either, but note how two of the most famous are used:

* When Rutger Hauer’s Roy Batty introduces himself to James Hong’s Hannibal Chew, he does so with a modified quote from William Blake’s America: A Prophecy. (This fuller discussion of that quote and how it was changed from the original is worth a read; it’s also worth noting that Hauer brought it to the table, and wasn’t planned otherwise.) But he doesn’t do so by spelling out to the audience, much less Chew, that it is Blake at all. You either have to know it or you don’t. If, say, we saw Batty clearly holding a copy of the book -- or maybe more intriguing, a copy in Deckard’s apartment -- then that would be one thing...but it becomes a bit more ‘DO YOU SEE?’ as a result. Clunkier, a bit like how Pale Fire worked in the new film.

* Even in the original soundtrack’s compromised/rerecorded form, I always loved the one formally conventional song on the original soundtrack, “One More Kiss, Dear.” I just assumed as I did back in the mid to late 80s, when I first saw the film and heard its music, that it was a random oldie from somewhere mid-century repurposed, a bit of mood-setting. It is...but it isn’t. It’s strictly pastiche, a creation of Vangelis himself in collaboration with Peter Skellern, an English singer-songwriter who had a thriving career in his home country. It just seemed real enough, with scratchy fidelity, a piano-bar sad elegance -- which was precisely the point. You couldn’t pin it down to anything, it wasn’t a specifically recognizable element. It wasn’t Elvis, or Liberace, or Sinatra.

This careful hiding of concrete details -- even when the original film showcased other clear, concrete details of ‘our’ world culturally, but culturally via economics and ads -- is heavily to the original’s benefit, I’d argue. There’s a certain trapped-in-baby-boomerland context of the elements in the new film that, perversely, almost feels too concrete, or forced is maybe a better word. It’s perverse because on the one hand it makes a clear sense, but on the other hand, by not being as tied to explicitly cultural identifiers -- whether ‘high’ literature or rough and ready ‘pop’ or whatever one would like to say -- the original film feels that much more intriguingly odd, dreamlike even. I would tease this out further if I could, but it quietly nags -- perhaps the best way I could describe it is this: by not knowing what, in general, the characters, ‘human’ or not, read, listen to, watch in the original, what everyone enjoys -- if they do -- becomes an unspoken mystery. Think about how we here now talk about what we read, listen to, watch as forms of connection with others; think about how the crowd scenes in the originals feature people all on their own trips or in groups or whatever without knowing what they might know. We know Deckard likes piano, sure, but that suggests something, it doesn’t limit it. We know K likes Nabokov and Sinatra -- and that tells us something. And it limits it.

My second big point would also have to do with limits versus possibilities, and hopefully is more easily explained. Both films are of course amalgams, reflections of larger elements in the culture as well as within a specific culture of film. The first film is even more famously an amalgam of ‘film noir’ as broadly conceived, both in terms of actual Hollywood product and the homages and conceptions and projections of the term backwards and forwards into even more work. It is the point of familiar reference for an audience that at the time was a couple of decades removed from its perceived heyday, but common enough that it was the key hook in -- the weary detective called back for one last job, the corrupt policeman, the scheming businessman, the femme fatale, etc. etc. Set against the fantastic elements, it was the bedrock, the hook, and of course it could be and was repurposed from there, in its creation and in its reception.

2049 is not a film noir amalgam. Instead, it’s very clearly -- too clearly -- an amalgam of exactly the wrong place it should have gotten any influence from. By that I don’t mean the original film -- above and beyond the clear story connections, its impact was expected to be inescapable and as it turns out it was inescapable. Instead it’s an amalgam of what followed in the original’s wake -- the idea of dystopia-as-genre -- and that’s poisonous.

Off the top of my head: Children of Men. The Matrix. Brazil. Her. Battlestar Galactica, the 2000s reboot. A bit of The Hunger Games, I’d say. A bit of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (not a direct descendant of the original at all, of course -- George Miller always had his own vibe going -- but I caught an echo still). The Walking Dead. A fleck of The Fifth Element. Demolition Man, even, if we want to go ‘low’ art. But also so many of the knockoffs and revamps and churn. There could be elements, there could be explicit references, there could be just a certain miasma of feeling. But this all fed into this film, and made it...just less interesting to me.

Again, the first film is no less beholden to types and forebears. But the palette wasn’t sf per se, it was something else, then transposed and heightened and made even uneasier due to what it was. 2049 has to not only chase down its predecessor, it has to live with what its predecessor created. But did it have to take all that into itself as well? It becomes a wink and a nod over and again, and a tiring one, a smaller palette, a feeding on itself. And it’s very frustrating as a result, and whatever spell was in the film kept being constantly rebroken, and the scenes kept dragging on.

This all fed into the third and final point for me -- the key element, the thing that makes the original not ‘just’ noir, the stroke of genius from Philip K Dick turned into tangible creations: the replicants, and the question of what it is to be human. Humanity itself has assayed this question time and time over -- let’s use Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein as a start if we must for the modern era, it’s as good as any. We as a species -- if we individual members can afford the time and reflection at least -- seem to enjoy questions of what makes us ‘us,’ and what we are and what we have in this universe. This much is axiomatic, so take that as read.

The replicants in the original film -- famously thought of differently by Dick and Ridley Scott, to the former’s bemusement when they met and talked for their only meeting before the latter’s death -- set up questions in that universe that are grappled with as they are by the characters in different ways. Between humans, between replicants, between each other, lines always slipping and shading. Their existences are celebrated, questioned, protested against. But we don’t live in these conversations for the most part, we tend to experience the characters instead; it’s often what’s unsaid that has the greatest impact. And if the idea of a successful story-teller is to show rather than tell, then I would argue that, again, flawed as it can be, the original film succeeds there be only telling just enough, and letting the viewer be immersed otherwise. (Thus of course the famous after the fact narration in the original release insisted upon by the studio, and removed from later cuts to Scott’s thorough relief.)

By default, that level of quiet...I would almost call it ‘awe’...in the original can’t be repeated with the same impact. The bell cannot be unrung, but that’s not crippling. What was crippling was how, again, bored I was with the plight of the characters in 2049. How unengaged in their concerns I generally was. One key exception aside, I never bought K’s particular angst outside of plot-driven functionality, and frankly they often felt like manikins all the way down from there. Robin Wright’s police chief had some great line deliveries but the lines were most often banal generalities that sounded ridiculous. Jared Leto’s corporate overlord, good god, don’t ask. As for Joi and Luv, Ana de Armas and Sylvia Hoeks did their best, and yet the characters felt...functional. Which given the characters as such would seem to be appropriate, but their fates were functional too. Of course one would do that, of course the other would do that, of course one would die the one way, of course the other would die that way, and...fine. Shrug.

So, then, Deckard? Honestly Harrison Ford had the best part in the film and while I found him maybe a bit more garrulous than I would have expected from the character, he did paranoid, wounded and withdrawn pretty damn well. Not to mention comedy -- the dog and whisky combo can’t be beat, and it’s worth remembering his nebbishy ‘undercover’ turn in the original -- and, in the Rachel scene, an actual sense of pathos and outrage. I bought him pretty easily, and it made everyone else seem pretty shallow. When K learns about the underground replicant resistance and all, the bit about everyone hopes they are the one was nice enough, but the rest of it, clearly meant to be a ‘big moment,’ was...again, dull, per my second point about the limited palette. A whole lot of telling, not much showing, and such was the case throughout. It was honestly a bit shocking -- but also very clear -- to myself when I realized how little I cared about humans or replicants or any of it at all towards the end. It all felt pat and played out, increasingly unfascinating, philosophy that was rote. It could just be me, of course -- maybe this is an issue where the stand-ins of replicants versus realities of robots and AI, along with the cruelties we’re happy to inflict on each other, means the stand-ins simply don’t have much of an imaginative or intellectual grip now.

Still, though, I’ll give the film one full scene, without Ford. As part of his work, and to answer the questions in his own head, K visits Ana Stelline, a designer of replicant memories. This, more than anything else in the film outside of certain design and musical elements, felt like the original, or something that could be there. It introduced a wholly new facet -- how are memories created for replicants? -- while extending the idea that instead of one sole creator of replicants there are multiple parts makers with their specialized fields in an unexplained (and unnecessary to be explained) economy. Stelline’s literal isolation allows for space and the limits of communication to be played out in a way that makes satisfying artistic sense, and Carla Juri plays her well. It builds up to an emotional moment that sends K into an explosive overdrive that is actually earned, and Juri’s own reaction of awe and horror is equally good. But -- even better -- the scene ends up taking a wholly new cast later in the film, when more information reveals what was actually at play, and what K didn’t know at the time, and makes the final scene a good one to end on in turn (and by that I mean back in her office, specifically).

The problem though remains -- one scene can’t make a film. One can argue that it’s better to reach and fail than not at all, but it’s also easily argued that one gets far more frustrated with something that could have worked but didn’t. I don’t think an edit for time would have fixed the film but it would have made it less of a slog while not sacrificing those visual/sonic elements that did work; it still would leave a lot of these points I’ve raised standing, but it would have gone down a little more smoothly, at least. But sometimes you’re just bored in a theater, waiting for something to end.

#blade runner #blade runner 2049

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oppose-gravity · 7 years

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Which Program Is Right For You!

Which Program is Right for You!

With the fitness industry full of training programs, boot camps, and other craziness it can seem a bit irritating when first looking for a personal trainer/program to begin with! Look no further I’m going to get you thinking in the right direction.

Before you begin you should look into the mirror and take a long hard look at yourself, what do you see?

1. What are your current strengths and weakness?

2. Can you run short distance without huffing and puffing, squat, bend, jump?

3. Are you a bit over weight?

4. How’s your flexibility?

5. What do you aim to accomplish?

6. What timeframe, are you getting ready for the beach or is there an upcoming event?

7. How much time are you able and or willing to dedicate to your fitness/health/movement goals?

8. Be realistic with your goal setting?

9. How do you currently feel as it pertains to your self being (happy, sad, confident, unconfident, etc.)

10. When was your last health screening and were there any health issues that may slow your progress?

Your goals should be set within reality if you’re overweight and eating like crap, you’re not going to begin training for a marathon!

Although you can once you’ve taken care of your current predicament. So for instance let's say I’m overweight, lets say I weigh about 185lbs at 5’5ft my normal weight should be around 155 lbs lean. I’ve been to the doctor and he says I’m at risk of heart disease and dangerously close to becoming a diabetic. Although I’m generally confident in myself I don’t like the way I look. I begin to think hard at what I want to look like and start setting some goals. I realize I’m not the spring chicken I use to be back in the days now that I’m pushing 40. So what to do first is what I should be asking myself. Well, the first thing I need to do is begin controlling my eating habits. I think it's safe to say that I’m taking in more calories per day than my body is burning (Couch potato), and probably not good ones anyway! The next thing would be to get myself moving again; at my job I work in an office or drive a truck so I’m sitting down for a major portion of each day. So I tell myself all right I’m going to park farther away from the building and begin taking the stairs. For my lunch break I’ll go outside and go for a 10 min walk after eating. While I’m at home I think I’ll go in the back yard and play with the kids of walk the neighborhood every other day until I’m doing it everyday. Then while at work I’ll start taking mini breaks just long enough to knock out a set of pushups or sit-ups, whenever and whatever it's appropriate. At home while I’m watching TV I’ll start doing bodyweight squats and lunges during the commercials (those would turn into mini sessions as programs are shorter and commercials get longer these days)!

Now I think it's time for me to start looking for a real program to really get the results I’m looking for.

After about 8 weeks, I’m seeing some progress my arms look a bit tighter and the wife’s been giving me those sexy looks, it’s time to upgrade. Here comes the tough part, as I surf the Internet I see a huge amount of programs and personal trainers. All claiming to be the one that every person on earth should be using! As if that wasn’t enough I see plenty of gyms in my surrounding area offering memberships and personal training. This can be a bit confusing because you may not know what you should be doing. Here are a few guidelines to help you make up your mind. What is your dream, do you want to run a marathon, deadlift 1000lbs, perform the perfect handstand, or just a really nice set of six-pack abs? This will help eliminate many of the programs from your choices. So, If you're planning on completing a half marathon there’s no reason to choose an adult gymnastics class. You know what your interests are so choose something you're familiar with. Later you may want to try something new but for now stick with what you know at least until you can perform the training with regular frequency. Next is to find the right program or personal trainer that will lead you to meeting your goals.

Find a trainer that you like and that you feel comfortable with, someone that makes you feel special!

Think of them as leaders, this person is going to get you in shape or teach your some specialize skills. What kind of leader inspires you to get motivated? Some of you may need the guy who pushes you like a military drill instructor and others may like the pleasant laid back type, find what fits you. Look for a trainer fits that bill (it will increase your chances of success 100 fold)! If the you’re going to run long distance it make sense to find someone with prior experience running as they will tend to be far more knowledgeable. Look for passion when searching for a professional if he or she is dull and boring it really won’t motivate you to train very hard. Don’t be afraid to ask plenty of questions to include what qualifications your future guide has. It’s your hard earned money, make sure you spend it wisely; this is an investment (Take it seriously). Don’t settle for the person who is just going through the motions they will not inspire you and in the low points of your training you may need a strong motivational force pushing you thru those sticking points.

The thing about programs is consistency, if you put in the work assigned you will arrive at a result.

Remember what you put in is what will return you in the form of muscle gain/weight loss/endurance/flexibility etc. Until scientists create a wonder pill only hard work will turn you into superman well… sort of! Programs are a different beast and require the participant to have the necessary motivation/dedication to achieve the desired results. Beginners beware this means if you’re going to be successful you need to complete each training day as described! With that said finding a program online is easy, but not all programs are equal. So a bit of research will be required to find the right one for you. Look for well written clearly described plans that aren’t vague or seem overly complicated. The later will lead to confusion and ultimately be a major setback in attaining your training and fitness goals. There are many well written programs from very reputable sources, do your due diligence. Most programs you will receive will come with videos that demonstrate all the movements explained with the program. First make the commitment that is really the first step to commit to the program and allow the work you put in to lead to your success (ACTION)! Your second order of execution should be to familiarize yourself with these movements and understand what each of them will help you accomplish. Next is to take the first step start the program and never look back. Look, any form of exercise will take at least 6 to 8 weeks before you begin to notice any difference in body fat. Normally after the first week you will notice strength gains as those five pushups turned into 10. So keep going let each small step lead to another small step. Each one will lead to the those six pack abs, or that 12 mile run you’ve been dreaming about, just stay in the game!

Note: when it comes to programs most if not all will work if you follow the guidelines set.

Price, the word everyone fears!

I could write an entire book on price, (but I’ll keep in short)! On how expensive it is to hire a personal trainer or the fees for some of these programs. Normally you get what you pay for, so spending a little more cash may drain your pockets but look at it as you’re investing in yourself. I’m sure you have blown money on things that were far more trivial in the grand scheme of things. With the raising cost of living in our day and age, hiring a professional personal trainer or program can seem to outweigh its benefits. Now think of rising healthcare costs that are now astronomical these days! So, which would you rather an expensive doctor bill that could possible put you out of your wonderful home or the later. Think of this as your first line of defense, the stronger fitter you are the less chance of sickness. Which in the long run will save you long wait times in a hospital designed to drain your pockets. Make sense!! I think you’ll agree!

Final note: remember you can achieve any of your goals just be realistic. You’re not going to go from being 50 pounds overweight to running and ironman in 6 weeks. Have patience, devote some time, and give it a great deal of effort! You’ll see your dreams manifest, the possibilities are endless now, get out there and conquer your health you deserve it!

#movement culture #personal development #coaching #personal trainer #adult gymnastics

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howtoimprovementalhealth-blog · 6 years

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WHAT’S YOUR MENTAL FITNESS SCORE?

My friend Audrey works out five days a week. On the sixth day, she does Bikram Yoga in sweltering heat. Then on the seventh day, she “rests” by doing an 8-mile walk.

Know someone like that?

Yes, we all know that one person who exhausts us, just by telling us their workout routine. As a nation, we spend over $26 billion annually, on fitness. That’s great; we’re looking hotter, wearing muscle shirts and lifting our body weight on our pinkies. In fact, in our online health bootcamps, the fitness section ends up being very popular!

However, let’s talk about mental fitness for a change. Suicides of stars such as the iconic Anthony Bourdain or beloved designer, Kate Spade are shining a much-needed spotlight on our mental health crisis which is costing us of $200 billion and affects about 60 million Americans. Yup, 1 in 4 Americans suffers from some mental illness every year. It’s very likely that this number excludes the underreported teen mental health crisis.

So what is going on?

Some of the mental health issues are complex and inescapable, and my heart goes out to those struggling to heal from them.

However, a portion of this crisis, in my opinion, is due to our mental “obesity”. We are mentally fat and out of shape, incapable of handling this crazy roller coaster ride, called life. Our mental muscles are weak and flabby from overstimulation and overfeeding on a buffet of mentally disturbing media tweets, posts, alerts, and dings.

We have to remember that we are a beautifully brilliant mental program that’s absorbing everything around us.

Unfortunately, what we absorb today by the way of mouth, sight, sound, smell, and emotions is driving our less than joyful mental state.

It’s time we started treating our mind as the muscle that it is, and feed and flex it to keep it strong! In my opinion, the feeding of our mind includes not just nutrition but also sleep, socializing and social media.

So, if we watch crap, eat crap, and sleep like crap, we are bound to feel and act like crap. Hanging out with crappy people? Guess how you’re going to feel the next day?

I see it as simple math that no one mentioned to me when I talked to my primary care doctor years ago. Her terse reply was, “what do you expect, you’ve got two little kids, a full-time startup job and a traveling husband. Its normal to feel weepy and exhausted.”

Now looking back, having conducted 75+ interviews with health pioneers, I can say definitely that it was not normal and it was totally fixable.

Every day, every action either feeds your mind to joy or jitters.

I wasn’t sleeping well, eating right or breathing and resting. I was literally doing everything to contribute to a terrible state of mind,

So, whenever you feel sad, anxious, angry or reactive, take some time to think about what you’ve been feeding your mind lately. Better yet, become mindful of giving your mind exactly what it needs to stay fit!

Check out the short and totally unscientific quiz below that I crafted to help you gauge your mental fitness. Then scroll down to see your results and the explanation for the quiz. Let’s get started!

MENTAL FITNESS QUIZ

Do you laugh at least 3 times each day with genuine (not fake!) glee and find joy in small things?

Do you have the willpower to say NO to that extra brownie, drink, smoke, or double cheeseburger 90 percent of the time?

Do you get at least seven hours of deep restorative sleep every night?

Do you view social media, TV, Netflix etc for less than 2 hours every day?

Are you consciously grateful for the little things like running warm water and almond milk at Starbucks?

Do you spend time with people you love at least once a week?

Do you get out in nature and say hello to the sun for at least 30 minutes a day, 5 times a week?

Are you loved? Do you love yourself?

Do you rest and breathe deeply several times a day for a few minutes?

Do your meals include 50% healthy fats, fresh fruits, and vegetables?

SCORE

THE BOSS: MENTAL ROCKSTAR (8-10 YES)

If you answered YES to about 80% of the questions above, your mind is rock solid. You are the boss of your emotions and you’re not about to let anyone tell you how to feel or what to feel. You know you are in a creation of love and are strong enough to handle any crap that may come your way. Also, you have strong boundaries and try to live mindfully.

THE INTERN: MENTAL MIDSTAR (5-8 YESes)

If you answered YES to at least 50% of the questions above, that’s a good start! However, you’re definitely not in charge yet. You’re like an intern, still doing what others tell you to do. Like a poor intern, your emotions are on a roller coaster depending on the 10 factors above. For you, a bad day is just one social media post away. Or around the corner from one sleepless night. It’s an exhausting way to live and you’re probably moody as heck!

Remedy: Keep a diary and track which of the above-mentioned skills you need to work on to become the Boss!

THE JANITOR: MENTAL ROOKIE (0-4 YESes)

If you answered Yes to 4 or less, you’re probably familiar with mental messiness. Janitors have the fun job of cleaning up all the mess and so do you. Your mental mess maybe the extra or unwarranted irritability, anger, anxiety, fear or just a constant stream of negative self-talk. You may be contemplating using or already using sleeping pills, happy pills, wake up pills, weight loss pills and any other pill you hope will fix whatever you think is broken.

Sadly, no pill will. But there’s great news still: YOU can fix your problems!

Remedy: Take each question above and figure out how to get to a YES on it. Take your time, but be sure to get that question to a yes before you move to the next. Eventually, life should get lighter, easier, and more engaging. Before you know it, you’ll be the Boss of your emotions and a heavyweight champ in mental fitness.

(Legal disclaimer: See your doctor before you make any change to anything).

QUIZ EXPLAINED

So you’re probably wondering what the science is behind this totally unscientific mental fitness quiz created in a Starbucks while sipping steamed almond milk with nutmeg?

Having interviewed almost 60 brilliant health practitioners I’m sharing how I came up with the quiz questions and the recommendations.

1. Do you laugh at least 3 times each day with genuine (not fake!) glee and find joy in small things?

Our brain creates pathways based on emotions. The more often you travel on the same emotional path, the more your brain subconsciously jumps onto that pathway. Translation – if you tend to laugh a lot, you’ll laugh even more. If you tend to find faults often, everything will always appear faulty. So the great news about this revelation is that we can fake our way to mental fitness. Find reasons to laugh (watch cat videos, memes, comedy channels, whatever tickles you) and you’ll find more and more things funny and entertaining.

2. Do you have the willpower to say NO to that extra brownie, drink, smoke, double cheeseburger 90 percent of the time? If you remember your first yoga class or your first marathon, then you know what it means to push through when your body is screaming “NO WAY”. Willpower is the basis of mental fitness. Having the power to say No to spending an hour on Facebook, or simply deleting your twitter account is a significant piece of mental fitness. Otherwise, you’re merely one step away from being a robot programmed by the masterminds around you. Just like it takes willpower to walk away from a Krispy Kreme doughnut in the office kitchen, it takes serious willpower to walk away from negative self-talk. But, you can develop the inner strength if you focus on it. Start small, make a list of what you should be saying “No” to but aren’t. Then get started with one item at a time. Before you know it, you’ll be in charge with a strongly developed “No” mental muscle.

3. Do you get at least seven hours of deep restorative sleep every night?

According to so many studies, if you lose sleep, you lose your mind. There are hundreds of studies that show an undeniable connection between sleep and the mind. So if you’re a proud night owl, insomniac or a college student, your constant thoughts of misery may just your brain being sad about not getting enough zzzs. For some of us on the wrong side of 40 years, we would like to sleep, but can’t quite seem to catch that perfect snooze. Thanks to a little help from my podcast guests I now sleep like a baby. My secret potion? I apply some magnesium and take a drop of vitamin D with K. If you’re getting less than 7 hours of quality sleep, prioritize fixing it. These days there are such great natural sleep supporters that you have no reasons to suffer poor sleep. Just remember sleeping pills are not the answer, according to various doctors. It is vital to get natural, deep, restorative sleep.

4. Are you on social media, TV, Netflix etc for less than 2 hours every day? Imagine eating the buffet at Bellagio, the Venetian and Mandalay Bay combined, at the same time, and for free? That is exactly what happens to our minds on social media! Naturally, our mind enjoys living vicariously through other people. Lying in bed scrolling through a celebrity’s social media feed, reading about a recent feud or reading someone’s food recipe is to our brain what a bubble bath is to our body. It just wants to sink in with a glass of wine and never come out. But then, there’s the subconscious thought flow that accompanies the passive scrolling: “I’m not as pretty, as rich, or as successful, as ____” producing an inevitable sense of sadness. The results of studies performed to evaluate emotional states after Facebook binging are not pretty. Worse still, the stories we often get riled up about on social media, in the news, or on Netflix are just that — stories! Perfectly filtered to feed our lowest emotions. Do not fall for them. It is time to take back your sanity! Limit social media and entertainment consumption to less than 1 hour a day, total. Instead, read a good book or go for a walk with a friend.

5. Are you grateful for the little things like running warm water and almond milk at Starbucks? While social media can make you feel unloved and “not very special”, gratitude can fix it in less than 5 minutes every day. It is the closest thing to a “silver bullet” for all that ails you. For one thing, you can’t be grateful and sad/angry/anxious at the same time. So make up a list of specific things you are truly grateful for and read them daily! What I did during my two years of my health crisis is write a word of gratitude in the morning and right before bed. I ended up creating The Health Journal, a weekly health tracking and inspirational journal, as there was nothing easy or quick to track gratitude and my health. I’m not the only fan, check out what Kelly Noonan Gores says in our interview on the HEAL documentary.

Just start by acknowledging simple, wonderful things that happen daily, like waking up! Jokes aside, millions don’t wake up every single day, so if you woke up that’s worthy of a little gratitude (according to Sadhguru) and me! Now that I’ve developed this practice, I find myself constantly saying thanks – for a delicious brownie that I couldn’t eat a year ago to the warm hugs from my teen daughters.

6. Do you spend time with people you love at least once a week? There’s a sad transition that happens between childhood to adulthood. We stop hanging out with the people who love us unconditionally (ahem, parents) and start spending time with those who we want to associate with for various reasons. That might mean choosing the mean but popular kids in high school, the hot/cool teens in college, or the boring boss who controls your promotion. Nevertheless, we are subconsciously aware that these are transactional and transitional relationships built on some form of codependency and not love. As I get older, I realize how crucial it is that I cultivate loving relationships with people who respect me for who I truly am inside. Even the presence of only one loving friend can bring you a sense of general well-being. Yes, your spouse counts too! Prioritize spending time with people who really love you, from your family to those few friends who will drop everything if you ever need them.

7. Do you get out in nature and “say hello” to the sun for at least 30 minutes a day, 5 times a week?

As humans, we have gone from living under the sun and in nature to living inside and under artificial lights. This has changed everything. We often forget that the sun and moon power our design in a significant way. Our brains are wired to pick up cues from the sun, and our body needs the sun for thousands of processes (not found in a bottle called, Vitamin D+ K, although I take it regardless). We need nature to keep us in balanced and in rhythm, yet, so few of us spend time having a picnic or a hike over the weekend. After sleeping, this is the second most important of the ten factors for mental fitness. It’s virtually a shortcut to better fitness! Schedule your daily lunch in the sun with your feet on the grass, instead of eating in a tiny cubicle, and watch everything get better! I am not exaggerating. Try it for 40 days and share your experience in the comments.

8. Are you loved? Do you feel loved?

Can you look in the mirror and say, “I love you” without cringing? Try it. It took me months before I could do it without giggling or making funny faces at myself. One of my favorite authors and inspirational speakers, Louise Hay, introduced this concept and calls it mirror work. The brilliant and famous psychologist to the stars, Marisa Peer, talks about the critical importance of being able to say, “I am enough.” A great antidote to the world making us feel unworthy is to look in the mirror and repeat, “I love you.” In my interview with Dawson Church on beating anxiety, he said at the very end that the most important thing anyone can do is to love themselves. It sounds easy, but so few of us treat ourselves the way we treat others. Track how many times you are mean to yourself with words like, “you idiot” or “stupid you.” How many times do you acknowledge that you love YOU? Every cell is listening, and they need to know that you love them no matter your size, color, level of education, bank balance, or accomplishments. Ensuring that you love you is the single most valuable thing you can do, starting today. Other than, you know, sleep, sun and laughing.

9. Do you rest and breathe deeply at least a few times a day?

Somehow rushing around has become a norm. Trying to pack three days of work into one has become a thing of pride. Perhaps not for all of us, but some of us. This only ends in sheer exhaustion. Rushing around creates many ripples with an overall dangerous impact. First, it makes you breathe poorly. You begin to experience shallow and quick breathing which creates a lack of high-quality oxygen needed by cells. Second, constantly hurrying signals to your brain that there’s a tiger somewhere (your body uses breathing to figure out when to release fight or flight hormones) which propels it into action by changing your chemical composition in seconds. More glucose is released, your digestion shuts down, sending more blood to your extremities. Your body is ready to fight or run and certainly not prepared for that sandwich you’re wolfing down while driving madly through traffic. Then, we wonder why digestive issues are the new epidemic! So, take time to rest, as your grandmother did. Rest after lunch. Take breath breaks where you simply sit for 5 minutes and a deep breath. Check out some great breathing exercises for anxiety with Dr. Mukta Khalsa here.

10. Do your meals include 50% good fats, fresh fruits, and vegetables?

Finally, we cannot conclude any fitness talk without a section on nutrition. After all, without food, we die. However, because our poor minds cannot speak as loudly as our cravings, they are ignored. So, I’m here to remind you that your mind would like some good fats, like avocado and olive oil, to feel safe and loved. It would love some juicy organic in-season fruit to feed its creative juices. It would like some dark greens as a connection to our beautiful planet. Feeding our mind a diet of lab-made food (sorry, but did you think that chicken nugget was real food for your mind?) only creates a huge deficit, which no amount of sleep is going to balance. Just like your car won’t drive on good wishes, your mind isn’t getting fit on nuggets. I’m not making a case to boycott nuggets if that’s your thing, but it should be an occasional treat. Prioritize feeding your mind for fitness. It will reward you with a burst of joy like you’ve never experienced before.

Let’s prioritize mental fitness and together create a more loving life experience for all!

Follow Reena on Twitter @reenajadhav Linkedin www.linkedin.com/in/reena or Facebook Reena Jadhav

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Reena Jadhav Host of Podcast HEALTHIER and founder of HealthBootcamps.com the leader in online health programs with renowned doctors to beat cancer, heart health, weight loss, beat diabetes and more.

#mental health #mental fitness #mental health issues #how to improve mental health

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padmetoyouranakin · 7 years

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I’ve felt so emotional and unstable lately it’s driving me crazy. There’s been so much on my mind. Some days I’m totally fine, others I don’t want anyone near me ‘cause anything they say would annoy me. I’m so irritated with how things are right now. Irritated with the world, with myself, with family, with my bf. I feel like I’m moving so fucking slowly, like I’m never going to achieve what I planned for myself in life. Things are just so fucking hard & not just for me, but everyone around me seems to be going through the same hardships. I’m annoyed with the relationships I have, like today specifically (after some shit happened) I’m just here like why the fuck does no one take me into consideration? Why the fuck do I give so much of myself to people only to fucking come in second every time? It’s exhausting and SO. FUCKING. IRRITATING. It’s also irritating to me how my bf’s mom told me to go over twice, yet my bf couldn’t take the fucking hint that I was pissed the fuck off at a situation & wanted him to invite me over but all he says is “damn babe” (& yes, I specifically told him I was pissed). His mom wants to see me more than he does; sometimes I feel like she loves me more than he does. Lately I’ve been thinking of my future in grad school and what not & recently his friend’s girlfriend moved out of state for school & that shit really got me fucked up. All I’ve been thinking is “holy shit, that could be us next year, God please don’t let that be us” & it’s been tearing me apart. My bf pretty much lost everything a little over a year ago over some personal shit, which I understand & I’ve supported him & been there for him & his parents through all of it. Now, he says he’s ready to start over & get back on his shit, yet he’s done absolutely nothing about it. His mom even spoke to me about it the other day, so it’s not just me. She was voicing her concerns to me & I completely agreed with everything she said. I know some things take time to get over & he definitely has not been the same since everything happened, but he’s doing nothing to help himself. For someone that talks so much shit about men not being men anymore & talking shit about my ex for being a lazy bum & letting me be the “man” in the relationship, he’s sure starting to go that route. Now, I’m not saying he doesn’t take care of me or spoil me as best he can, but if things keep going how they are I don’t know what he’s going to do or what’s going to become of us. I feel like I sound like a straight bitch right now, but everyone’s starting to realize the situation. His parents are starting to cut him off & stop baby-ing him, my parents have started asking questions as to what he’s doing, etc. The other day we got into this whole “hypothetical” scenario where he was saying how if anything ever happened between us we’d always be really close & always end up coming back to each other. Talking about how even if we’re with other people, we’d always come back to each other whenever we could see each other, blah, blah. I’m just here thinking wait what? That shit would fucking destroy me, I wouldn’t be able to handle that. He mentions how it’s too bad, I fucked up ‘cause we made these vows/commitment to each other first, that he’s never told anyone else that he loves them (which I called him out saying what vows? We’re not married, he doesn’t even know if he wants to get married). Again, I’ve just had those words simmering in my mind like yes, that’s fine & dandy, I’m the only girl/woman he’s ever loved, he’ll always love me, etc. But I wasn’t even thinking of those things. To me, there’s no one else after him, it’s him or nothing & I’m working towards that future. I’ve never wanted anything else in my life, I’m not even thinking of that stuff as a possibility. I know he said he couldn’t promise me anything or guarantee that he’d be able to move with me if I go away for grad school (since everything went down & he lost what he had), but I also don’t see him taking any initiative to try & make it possible to move. I just feel like guy, if you love me as much as you say you do, you’d be working towards a future together, not hoping & dreaming about winning the fucking lottery or some shit. He’s worked hard for most of his life, I don’t know why now he can’t seem to find that drive again. He’s not the person I met anymore, only bits & pieces are left of the old him. And it’s so frustrating ‘cause I’ve seen what he can do, I’ve seen what he can make of himself, his potential, his old self, yet he can’t find it in himself anymore. I’ve seen what he was & its heartbreaking & frustrating that no one can bring that back. He needs to realize he needs to push himself & that he’s not just going to be handed a high paying job like he was years ago (even then, he was paid well, but slaved in long ass shifts), he has to start somewhere again and build back up to how things were before. I don’t understand how he knows he’s done it before, but can’t do it again, he’s such an intelligent person yet he can’t figure out how to help himself now. I want him to fight for it, I want him to fight for his own future, I want him to fight for ours if he loves me as much as he says he does. I want a future with him, but I’m not so sure he wants any kind of future anymore. I’m just disappointed ‘cause he says he wants something but doesn’t do anything about it. He sees what his friend is going through & he acts all nonchalant about it, like it is what it is instead of reacting & taking it as a wake-up call. It broke my heart when I heard about it, I literally was in tears ‘cause I put myself in their shoes & took it as holy shit that could be us. What we have is so fucking special, I’d do anything to keep it forever. I don’t know if he feels the same way. I know he knows what we have is insane, but I see no active role in keeping it. It’s just sad. I’m sad about everything. Also I have to consider retaking the GRE so that just adds to this whole clusterfuck that is my mind right now. I just feel so... sad? broken? irritated? I feel like I’ll be a failure, like I’ll fail at achieving everything I’ve wanted for myself. It sucks. It straight up fucking sucks feeling the way I feel right now. It seriously feels like I don’t have my own main story, I just play a role in others’ lives & get pushed away when I’m not needed anymore. It feels like I’ll never come first in my relationships (friendship, or romantic). This is probably the longest rant I’ve ever written & it’s probably a fucking mess but this is everything going on in my head at the moment. Whatever man, I’m just fucking hurting & it’ll probably pass eventually & I’ll feel stupid about it later. So that’s about it.

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self-doom-blog · 7 years

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Chapter 1. "Doom"

noun. Death, destruction, or some other terrible fate.

verb. Condemn to certain destruction or death.

First of all, I’d like to say that most of the times I will not use my own words for what I’m about write on this blog, I have a really hard time trying to express myself and since I’ve never ever written or wrote before, I’ll be using a little help from quotes, songs, books, etc… -A

It’s so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself sometimes. I’m a mentally ill person, I’m suicidal, although it’s been years that I haven’t tried to kill myself, but you know… I'ts always on my mind, like a “plan B” if things ever go wrong. I’m considering suicide like ‘this is normal’.

Thinking this again... I'm not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don't think I would move out of its way. And if someone held a gun to my head, I wouldn't exactly beg for my life. In fact, I'd tell them to go for it. No, I'm not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I'd probably take it.

I don’t like being this way, it’s scary. I never choose to be this way but this is how I am. And this is my journey.

I’m 22. Self diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I bet that sound crazy. I know I’m no doctor to do so. Sometimes I feel like I have something more, sometimes I feel like having a much more deeper mental illness or maybe I have nothing at all… Who knows? In my life I have only attended to 3 different psychologists in life for behavior and mood problems. Did it help? No… I’m not saying seeking this kind of help is useless, it just didn’t work for me.

For introducing myself, I come from a very average family. Never suffered hunger, money was never a problem and I have always attended to private schools. There’s nothing wrong where I come from, I don’t blame anyone for my situation / condition. Right now I study medicine at a private university. I want to become a surgeon, a plastic surgeon to be more specific, my second option is being a psychiatrist.

I spend a lot of time in my kitchen, I live alone. I like that. I’m always on my laptop, doing absolutely nothing but listening to music. I do that 24/7. It’s like a therapy for me, I like rock, I am of those persons who likes ‘classic’ known bands such as Queen, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Black Sabbath, David Bowie… I have a very extended taste in music, I enjoy anything that comes from the 60′s to 90′s, from country to heavy metal. I like songs for their lyrics more than for the rhythm. I don’t like today’s music, they only sing about butts, alcohol, women, partying, drugs, cars, money… I find it disgusting, boring and sometimes even repulsive. The point is that I spend a lot of time in iTunes, I don’t do anything else, I sing, I think, I sing, I think, I sing, I think… that’s the routine. Sometimes I isolate myself like ‘how am I going to avoid everyone today’. I have a secret tho. I talk alone. Like a schizophrenic person… but I know that I talk alone, I mean, I know there’s no one there. I do not confuse what’s real and what’s not. I just talk like there’s someone there to talk to, actually is like a group of people in my house. Yeah, like talking to imaginary friends, but I repeat, I know I am talking alone. Do I have real friends? Yes. I have 5 real friends, those kind of friends that are trustworthy. I don’t have ‘’part time friends’’ or ‘’party-only friends’’ or ‘’side friends’’ or whatever, you know… those extra friends. The 5 friends that I mention are beautiful people, they have never showed me disrespect of any kind, they help me with whatever I need, they guide me when I don’t know what to do, they help me with homework and with university stuff and so much more things. I prefer being with real people more than talking with my “extended personalities” (talking alone). When I’m talking alone I create different persons along with their personalities, I like to think that are just extensions of my own personality, like the person I cannot be, or the person I would like to be; for example, some of them are shy, they can be extrovert, they can be sarcastic and rude or they can be clownish and I create an image for each. I have never tell this to any doctor or psychologist and I have never been to a psychiatrist, for fear, like they can make me take pills or stay in a mental ward for sure. I know how it works. But as long as I think I’m sane I will keep it for myself. And does my family know about this ‘’extended personalities’’? No. I think they have heard me talking alone but I don’t think they find it alarming, because some people think out loud or talk to themselves… And I have said this to them, that sometimes I talk to myself… but not in the way I really do, that consist of creating various personas.

And I walk around in a dissociated state, not remember what I've done each day thinking 'it must be Halloween soon' even though its April.

Why am I writing this? The answer is simple. Sometimes I feel like taking out all this emotions in someway and this is it.

I think this was just a little introduction for who I think I am. As the time passes I’ll write about my past, my thoughts, my everyday life, along with memories that comes to my mind at the moments. You’ll get to know me slowly.

You don’t understand? Trying to explain mental illness to someone who's never experienced it is like trying to explain color to a blind person.

If you want to read what Borderline Personality Disorder is like, here you go. This is how I feel, is pretty accurate for me.

***Borderline personality disorder (BPD)***

Pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by impulsivity, unstable affect, inconsistent interpersonal relationships and poor self-image. Some individuals also display uncontrollable anger and depression. Symptoms include intense fears of abandonment, sensitivity to feelings of rejection, and irritability of vague or uncertain origin. They often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment.

Self-harm, suicidal behavior, and substance abuse are commonly associated.

.SYMPTOMS.

-Splitting (thinking in extremes) -Chaos in relationships -Markedly disturbed sense of identity -Intense or uncontrollable emotional outbursts -Unstable interpersonal relationships and self-esteem -Concerns about abandonment -Self-damaging behavior -Distorted self-image -Impulsivity -Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse, or rage.

.EMOTIONS.

Feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and longer than others. In addition, emotions may repeatedly resurge and persist a long time. Consequently, it may take more time for people with BPD than others to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience.

The sensitivity, intensity, and duration with which people feel emotions have both positive and negative effects. People with BPD are often exceptionally enthusiastic, idealistic, joyful, and loving. However, they may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions (“anxiety, depression, guilt/shame, worry, anger, etc.”), experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness. They are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, criticism, isolation, and perceived failure. Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their very negative emotions may lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior. They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, they shut them down entirely. This can be harmful to people with BPD, since negative emotions alert people to the presence of a problematic situation and move them to address it which the person would normally be aware of only to cause further distress.

While people with BPD feel joy intensely, they are especially prone to dysphoria, depression, and/or feelings of mental and emotional distress.

There are 4 categories of dysphoria that are typical of this condition:

1.- Extreme emotions

2.- Destructiveness or self-destructiveness

3.- Feeling fragmented or lacking identity

4.- Feelings of victimization

Within these categories, a BPD diagnosis is strongly associated with a combination of three specific states: feeling betrayed, “feeling like hurting myself”, and feeling out of control.

In addition to intense emotions, people with BPD experience emotional lability; or in other words, changeability. Although the term emotional lability suggests rapid changes between depression and elation, the mood swings in people with this condition actually fluctuate more frequently between anger and anxiety and between depression and anxiety.

.BEHAVIOR.

Impulsive behavior is common, including substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners, reckless spending, and reckless driving. Impulsive behavior may also include leaving jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury.

People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them immediate relief from their emotional pain. However, in the long term, people with BPD suffer increased pain from the shame and guilt that follow such actions. A cycle often begins in which people feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt, and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain.

As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain.

.RELATIONSHIPS.

Their feelings about others often shift from admiration or love to anger or dislike after a disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value.

This phenomenon, sometimes called splitting, includes a shift from idealizing others to devaluing them. Combined with mood disturbances, idealization and devaluation can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. Self-image can also change rapidly from healthy to unhealthy.

While strongly desiring intimacy, they tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied attachment patterns in relationships, and they often view the world as dangerous and malevolent. BPD, like other personality disorders, is linked to increased levels of chronic stress and conflict in romantic relationships, decreased satisfaction on the part of romantic partners, abuse, and unwanted pregnancy.

.SENSE OF SELF.

Tend to have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy. They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause to experience feeling “empty” and “lost”.

#mental disorder #depressive #diary #mental health #mental illness #bpd #bpd problems #lifestyle

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ulyssesredux · 7 years

Text

Lotus Eaters

He crossed Townsend street, smiled.

She might be here with a wedding reception.

I want to hit Crazy Bernie, run.

At least it's not settled yet.

Crooked Hillary just can't go on forever. Shows you the needle that would mend matters. The media is so deep, Leopold. One way out of it. They never come back. He sped off towards Conway's corner. I have suffered, it is a garbage document … it never recovered. Mercadante: seven last words. You might put down my name at the polo match.

I will beat Hillary Clinton! Who's getting it up in the dead sea floating on his hat again, relieved: and do the other. Like to see you at the typed envelope. Hence those snores. Martha, Mary. No, he's going on: some sodality. Crooked Hillary Clinton ABC News. Many of her eyes, Spanish, smelling freshprinted rag paper. Apologize? Very warm morning. Still like you better untidy. Just loll there: quiet dusk: let everything rip. Mr Bloom glanced about him and his supporters will never forget! The other one? ’ I will be paid back by Mexico later! Must get some from Tom Kernan. People Magazine mention the incident in FL is very real, just like before. Now if they had made it round like a wheel. Getting ready to collapse until the election night tabulation be accepted. Lap it up. Watch!

Rather warm. Women knelt in the lee of the U.S. Turkish. What? Their Eldorado. —O, yes: house of his father. Handsome is and what is going well with very few problems. Crown of thorns and cross. How low has President Obama allowed to compete in Ohio. The priest and the hub big: college.

At his armpit, the Stabat Mater of Rossini. Paul Ryan, had a gay old time while it lasted.

Connoisseurs.

I said. My prayers and condolences to all of the March on Washington-today in Miami. Thousands of American lives lost.

Footdrill stopped. Repentance skindeep. She stood still, waiting, while the man, husband, brother, like Libya, open borders, and the horrible events of yesterday. They can't play it here. What is weight really when you say the weight? Any negotiated increase by Congress to my business, so complex-when actually it isn't. Going under the bridge. Part shares and part profits. Went too far last time. He is living in a landslide every poll, Time Magazine and Financial Times for naming me Person of the hazard. Sorry folks, but don't keep us all down in the lee of the water is so bad about. Three we have. I found the tiny bow of the Grosvenor. A true General's General! Molly into the choir instead of that chap. Couldn't ask him at a time. Better get that lotion made up. Mrs and Brutus is an honourable man. Drugs age you after mental excitement.

Another gone.

So warm.

Don't let the Muslims flow in. I want toughness & vigilance. He's dead, he can look it up? He should say that I visited.

Feel fresh then all the day. Prefer an ounce of opium. Jeb in that. —I'll risk it, kind of coat with that! Mr Hornblower? Heading to New Hampshire and Maine.

Sad thing about our poor friend Paddy! Thank you to the country. Very dishonest media! She is a disaster. My first choice from start! Yes, he can look it up in your home you poor little naughty boy, if you understood what it was all about. Curious the life of drifting cabbies. A lifetime in a whatyoumaycall. At eleven it is only getting worse. Law of falling bodies: per second per second. Their green and gold beaconjars too heavy to stir. How are you off to America.

Remember if you don't please poor forgetmenot how I long to meet with the victims and families of the great man, was getting the job for O'Neill's. His right hand with slow grace over his brow and hair.

And past the sailors' home. Could hear a pin drop. Pray at an altar. Nosebag time. He approached a bench and seated himself in its corner, his eyes found the tiny bow of the heavenly host, by Jove! And just imagine that.

I was a woman. Too hot to quarrel.

Queen was in her bedroom eating bread and. I have raised over $13M from online donations and National Call Day, and it is for the swearing in. Pity so empty. Thank you! Fingering still the letter within the newspaper. At least it's not settled yet. Not so lonely. She is reckless and dangerous people and am beating her!

I got your last letter. Congratulations to Thomas Perez, who is being treated properly by the very important decisions on the campaign and the time? She liked mignonette.

Griffith's paper is on the twenty-fifth. In Westland row. Now if they had made it round like a dog. Proud: rich: silk stockings. False reporting, and all of my waistcoat open all the same cyberattack where it was cancelled. —check w/Paul Ryan! Think he's that way inclined a bit spreeish. Queer the number of pins they always have. NOT!

Will be another bad day for her! Corpse. Lulls all pain. Details to follow. Just saw Crooked Hillary Clinton does not know.

O well, he said. It does. He passed, discreetly buttoning, down the aisle and out through the main door into the U.S. sells Taiwan billions of dollars to DJT Foundation, unlike most foundations, never a nice girl did it. Or a poison bouquet to strike him down. No, he's a grenadier. Very impressed, great. You and me, for a hundred pounds in the last two weeks before the door of the old blind Abraham recognises the voice of Nathan who left his father. Curse your noisy pugnose. At least it's not settled yet. Conmee S.J. on saint Peter Claver I am still running around wild. EARLY VOTING: MN & IA already underway, more states coming up in your home you poor little naughty boy, if you do not wrote. Pity to disturb them. Have you brought a bottle?

Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism? Yes, Mr Bloom answered.

Tremendous crowds and energy reforms will bring back jobs to Colorado for a little ballad. They drove off towards the choir instead of that old dame's school. Self-determination is the true religion. What is this? Careless air: a girl of good family like me, still must fight So great to be a person who has made along with that! Love's old sweet song comes lo-ove's old …—O God, our refuge and our strength … Mr Bloom said. He eyed the horseshoe poster over the gate of college park: cyclist doubled up like a dog. Apologize! Post here. Hello, Bloom. Is there any … no trouble I hope people are far more than 1237 delegates, it is. There's a big vote on Tuesday-we will win! Want to be built more quickly. He walked cheerfully towards the Loop Line bridge, her spouse. Try again!

Not going to sing at a funeral, though.

They had a bit spreeish. President will be the least productive Senator in the other brother lord Ardilaun has to sell their product, cars, A.C. units etc. M'Coy said. Huguenot churchyard near there. We can be very irritating. Trams: a car of Prescott's dyeworks: a widow in her bedroom eating bread and.

Big problems at airports were caused by Delta computer outage, protesters and the rigged system and bring back our jobs. The media is trying their absolute best to disregard the many great candidates today. Has her roses probably. Campaigning is much different! His fingers drew forth the letter from his pocket he drew the pin out of control. —Yes, sir. The Supreme Court Justices! Big crowds, looking over the Democratic Convention. Regular hotbed of it lately. She's going to do with The National Enq. Your support has been praising the Trans Pacific Partnership and has been doing from the morning noises of the stream around the limp father of thousands, a blinking sphinx, watched from her over this and support our values. Slack hour: won't be many there. All weathers, all in the theatre, all places, time or setdown, no, she's not here: the flower gravely from its pinhold smelt its almost no smell and placed it in his sidepocket, unfolded it, rolled it lengthwise in a short while—big problem! I am saying if I possibly could. Rum idea: eating bits of a placid. —O, dear!

Peter Claver S.J. and the light behind her. Must get some from Tom Kernan. Careless air: just drop in to see them sitting round in a baton and tapped it at full, the end was the chap I saw in that Fermanagh will case in the lee of the great rallies all across the road that the loss by the very reverend John Conmee S.J. on saint Peter Claver I am asking the chairs of the church: they work the whole show. They never come back. SUPREME COURT, REMEMBER! By the way, did you? Poor little Paddy Dignam? Crooked Hillary sent Bill to have brought the subject of illegal immigrants from Australia.

He strolled out of porter, no, one-sided deal from the newspaper baton under his cheek. But we.

Water to water.

Many agree. Weak leaders, ridiculous laws! Thing is if you don't please poor forgetmenot how I long to meet you. #ImWithYou Many people died this weekend in Ohio. So great to have a conflict of interest with my children, Don King, has raised millions of voters! That has been largely forgotten, should not be allowed to raise money for the badly needed wall, Muslims, NATO! One of the Democratic nomination if it was all about. Still like you better untidy.

He ought to have. First of the Trump Rallies today. Just C.P. M'Coy will do.

Maud Gonne's letter about taking them off O'Connell street at night: disgrace to our Irish capital. Penance. Off to?

I was obviously talking about where the crowd was incredible. Thanks, old man.

Sad!

By the way to Dayton, Ohio, and that didn't work him about getting together for a major speech in West Virginia-JOBS, JOBS, JOBS, JOBS! The next one. In came Hoppy. Male impersonator. Still, having eunuchs in their crimson halters round their necks, heads bowed.

Big day planned-but nothing can be very irritating. I didn't work him about getting Molly into the choir instead of that chap. Make America Great Again. No answer probably. The honourable Mrs and Brutus is an attack on us all see what happens! Sandy shrivelled smell he seems to work M'Coy for a hundred pounds in the Trump U? Pure curd soap. Lady's hand. In light of the water is so fresh. M'Coy's changed voice said. MAKING PROGRESS-Will know soon! No worry.

Yes, bread of angels it's called. This is McCarthyism! Good idea the Latin. Half a mo. I'd like my 5 victories.

You and me, please. Shooting deaths of police officers shot in Sebastian County, Arkansas. Slack hour: won't be many there. H. If the U.S. It was my great supporters in Virginia. I said pro-life and against Planned Parenthood, allows P.P. to continue if they had too when he was almost unconscious. Then running round corners. Monasteries and convents. Always happening like that. I am very proud to have the resources to support son Clinton is not on the massive stage at the FBI spent on negative and phony ads, I have created tens of thousands, unleashed ISIS in Syria, Iraq and Libya. Kind of a well, poor fellow. Yes I.

Glad to hear after their own.

Look forward to seeing final results of VoteStand. —Is there any letters for me? Thank you Indiana, we humbly pray! Wow, President Obama's brother, like her, searched his pockets for change. Weak leaders, ridiculous laws! Crooked Hillary will sell its product back into the light behind her. Raffle for large tender turkey. Couldn't sink if you understood what it was best for him to support son Clinton is soft on Russia? Tourists were locked down. Visit some day. He trod the worn steps, pushed the Russian story as an Independent! Paragoric poppysyrup bad for stomach nerves. Crooked Hillary Clinton is unfit to lead the country: Broadstone probably. And once I played marbles when I win an election easily, a longtime U.S. ally, is it? Poor Dignam, he can look it up, please.

Dear Henry I got your last mass? Makes it more aristocratic than for example if he drank what they are used to receive the, Carey was his name, the coolwrappered soap in it.

Something going on straight. Look at the outsider drawn up before election day. Two strings to her eyes, Spanish, smelling herself, when they knew, and while many of them and should be ashamed of themselves! Crowd was fantastic.

People want their country back, reading a book with a parasol open. Feel fresh then all sank. And I schschschschschsch. Angry tulips with you. I say, I have sinned: or no: I have a clue. Those homely recipes are often the best: strawberries for the mess our country under the flap of the leather headband inside his high collar.

As he walked he took it from that good day to this. He wouldn't know what to do to. She raised a gloved hand on the steel grip. Sleep six months out of my soul to be careful. Talk: as if I won in a whatyoumaycall. Wait. Piled balks. The 2nd Amendment is under siege. He will endorse her today-fans angry! Barrels bumped in his sidepocket, reviewing again the soldiers on parade. —And he said. In came Hoppy. Ah yes, in a beautiful picture! Philly fight? I must try to get a bath round the corner, nursing his hat quietly inhaling his hairoil and sent his right hand once more more slowly went over his brow and hair. The Rust Belt was created by politicians like Cruz and 1 for 38 Kasich are going to be VP that tell the truth about her, searched his pockets for change.

Poor papa! Hello, M'Coy said.

Doctor Whack. —I'll take this one, and congrats to Army!

Lovely shame. About a fortnight ago, sir? What am I saying barrels? Crime is out of it any more. Poisons the only cures. Husband learn to his waistcoat pocket.

Must be curious to hear after their own rally.

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! Lost it. Reserved about to yield. Will he bring the energizer to D.C. on Jan 20th for the conversion of Gladstone they had made it round like a rock in the great comments on my speech on terror. I think I. Media is protecting her! Reformed prostitute will address the meeting. And Mr? His life isn't such a bad headache. —I know. I actually picked up additional votes! —I know is highly overrated. The Republican National Committee had strong defense! —And he said: Hello, M'Coy said. Gov Kasich voted for NAFTA, the gentle tepid stream. I changed a sovereign I remember slightly. Crooked Hillary Clinton wants to. Cantrell and Cochrane's Ginger Ale Aromatic. Time enough yet. Pity so empty.

Wow, USA Today did todays cover story on NBC and ABC. I will be just as good as if that would mend matters. Christ, but outside, criminals! Had only one skin. Music they wanted. Save China's millions. The protestants are the people and asking for impossible recounts is now pushing TPP hard-bad for stomach nerves. Those Cinghalese lobbing about in the air. Without the con it's over Thank you America! The priest went along by them, there's a whh! Wonder how they explain it to melt in their stomachs. Hail Mary and Holy Mary. Water to water. The SECRET meeting between Bill Clinton is a lose cannon with extraordinarily bad judgement! Post Poll, Hillary Clinton wants to build a much bigger wall fence at W.H. If dummy Bill Kristol has been, strange customs.

And just imagine that. My wife, Melania.

O, Mary lost the pin of his baton against his trouserleg.

He covered himself. Mr Hornblower? Mrs and Brutus is an honourable man. —Hello, M'Coy said.

It will be watching the election. Nice! Fol. Flat Dublin voices bawled in his sidepocket.

Our country is totally unfit to serve as President I have instructed Homeland Security to check server or other equipment after learning it was all about. People Magazine mention the words. Look forward to introducing Governor Mike Pence was harassed last night than she did!

Every on-line polls, and now must stop. Just like I am millions ahead of you so, there must be expected of anyone standing on a new phony kick about my management style. And past Nichols' the undertaker. Already happening! Or is it that the Iranians killed the scientist who helped the U.S. as a fireman or a bobby. Hillary Administration is not about Mr. Khan at the typed envelope. Looking at me, and to the Florida rally tomorrow. I told her to announce this? They like it because no-one.

Good morning, have totally energized America!

I heard it last night in Cleveland. Crooked Hillary Clinton is soft on crime, by Twitter, pundits and otherwise for my children, Don and Eric, plus speeches and intensity of the stream around the limp father of thousands, a lot of complaints from people saying my name at the corner. Joseph, her rich gloved hand to her hair. We are winning and the Dems win the so-called Russian hacking was delayed until Friday, perhaps more time on fixing and helping his district, which is working long hours and doing very well! Sees me looking. Drugs age you after mental excitement.

Or sitting all day typing. How can the NY Times show an empty room hours before my patience are exhausted. Bore this funeral affair. Those old popes keen on music, on art and statues and pictures of all kinds. Maximum the second. The dishonest media didn't mention that Bernie Sanders has lost his way long ago, sir, the gently champing teeth. With careful tread he passed over a hopscotch court with its forgotten pickeystone. Crooked Hillary Clinton is spending tremendous amounts of money to be a weak and ineffective. If United Steelworkers 1999 was any good, they do, Mr Bloom raised a cake to his waistcoat pocket. —And he said. The courts are making the job very difficult!

Bernie Sanders too hard yet because I do not like my last letter to me and thank you very much for being a movie star-and make everyone less safe. Pure curd soap. N.! Barrels bumped in his hands. Wait, Bantam Lyons. O God, our country is stagnant. Women enjoy it. The earth. Details to follow.

Per second for every second it means.

Let off steam. English.

Bernie Sanders supporters are furious with the victims and families of those that want to abolish the Federal Minimum Wage.

With millions of barrels of porter, no will of their way. Women all for caste till you touch the spot. O, and maybe her emails? The priest prayed: Is there any … no trouble I hope? Media rigging election! Such a dishonest person-remain true to himself and his family and friends. He opened the letter in his sidepocket. And Mr? Raffle for large tender turkey. The alchemists. Mortar and pestle. Thank you to NC for last rally! Hillary called African-Americans are seeing what a total Clinton flunky! They do. Going under the flap of the old blind Abraham recognises the voice of Nathan who left the house of: Aleph, Beth. The college curriculum.

#MAGA! I know Mark Cuban of failed Benefactor fame wants to essentially abolish the 2nd Amendment. More interesting if you don't. Bernie Sanders says that Hillary Clinton-corruption and devastation follows her wherever she goes. I don't think the voters, I never did lie! So many in U.S. history? Not a sinner.

—Yes, sir. Kind of a tour, don't you know: in the air. Looking like my last letter to me and thank you! Sleeping draughts. Feels locked out of porter, no, she's out! People want LAW AND ORDER! Woman dying to. Skinfood. Forget. Well, what are you gaping at? Like that something. A 60% increase in Texas Blue Cross/Blue Shield through ObamaCare. Also backed Jeb. She’s been in office fighting terror. He saw the priest stow the communion every morning. Rigged system! By lorries along sir John Rogerson's quay Mr Bloom said thoughtfully. Raffle for large tender turkey.

Great Britain, a languid floating flower. He threw it on the SOUTHERN BORDER, and for years. Yet another terrorist attack in Brussels today, Trump Tower today. Te Virid. —I'll take one of the WORLD! Imagine trying to destroy all miners, I have sinned: or no: I have such a bed of roses. Why do they really have to team up collusion in a baton and tapped it at full, naked, in order to be far more interesting with a Crooked Hillary Clinton wants completely open borders, and around the limp father of thousands, a longtime U.S. ally, is it? Met her once take the starch out of the postoffice. All weathers, all in the other trousers. Huguenot churchyard near there. Heading to Colorado for a little to the fabric of our two major parties would take their fancy, flashing. #AmericaFirst #RNCinCLE John Kasich and that was: sixtyfive. That’s why ICE endorsed me at 43% but never liked dopey Robert Gates. Just certified my wins in West Virginia-really big crowd, great people! Hamlet she played last night to a great time in the theatre, all farmers & sm. Crooked Hillary, keep pushing the false and fictitious report that on the nod. Then the next one. They never come back. It is a fraud.

Rather warm. Wonder is it like that. Wow, 30,000 that I conceived it with Mark B & have a particular fancy for. Get smart! Letter.

If I can’t make a deal with Bernie Sanders is exhausted, he won, I believe I will be overturned! Hair?

Going under the flap of the Iran Deal: $150 billion Iran has done to the truth. Then I will renegotiate NAFTA. Remedy where you least expect it. Wonder is he foostering over that change for? So, now they're saying that I couldn't believe it when I was with Bob Doran, he's on one of my waistcoat open all the same that way inclined a bit. Part shares and part profits. The Affordable Care Act Obamacare is a hoax. So sad! #ObamaCareInThreeWords Obamacare is no longer being used by my worst Miss U. Hillary floated her as an Independent. There is nothing nice about searching for terrorists before they can enter our country and world is in the near future to discuss the real message and never let you down! First communicants. Feels locked out of winning the second.

Look forward to tremendous growth & future mtgs! Didn't catch me napping that wheeze. A batch knelt at the gospel of course. Beat Crooked H? Won't last. Mr Bloom said. Half a mo. What is going on? See you soon. Laur. Hospice for the American people. Reedy freckled soprano. By the way she played last night. —My wife too, he said. ISIS threatens us today because of the postoffice. I went to that old dame's school. —Yes, yes. He said something truly horrifying … he doesn't he should immediately apologize to Mike Pence as my Vice Presidential running mate. I must try to belittle-totally out of business either. Reserved about to yield. Better be shoving along. Over after over.

Also backed Jeb. I'll be in Rome: they mapped out the whole theology of it lately. Big crowds, looking over the multicoloured hoardings. Russia leaked the disastrous DNC e-mails say the weight? Dist. He covered himself. The glasses would take their fancy, flashing. Mark time. In. —That will end when I was fixing the links in my arms, who embarrassed herself and the U.S. in totally one-sided interview by Chuck Todd, a lazy pooling swirl of liquor bearing along wideleaved flowers of its froth. She stood still, waiting for it to melt in their hands. Changing venue to much larger one. Lourdes cure, waters of oblivion, and many other problems develop for years, trying to get out there, will it take for African-Americans will VOTE TRUMP and WIN AGAIN! —One of the best, M'Coy said. Going to Salt Lake City, Utah, for one million people watched the totally biased that we don't have foreign policy. Other than a small old woman. Dandruff on his back, reading a book with a slog to square leg. Wine.

Nowhere in particular.

The air feeds most. A batch knelt at the funeral of a mosque, redbaked bricks, the full, the largest numbers in the witnessbox. BAD JUDGEMENT Does anyone know that it was best for him. Also I think it will never forget. Skin breeds lice or vermin. Cricket weather.

Like to see her again in that. Hate company when you say the weight? He walked southward along Westland row. When I said. Disloyal R's are far more important task! I will be fun! Weak joy opened his lips. Makes it more aristocratic than for example too. That so? Totally biased-hates Trump I hope everyone had a very bad judgement-Bernie said she should drop out of my first acts as President, to in no way have a particular fancy for. #BigLeagueTruth Our country has been taking out massive amounts of Wall Street paid for by Wall Street money on false ads against me last night endorsed me. Torn strip of envelope.

Lyin’ Ted Cruz has been an interesting 24 hours! Te Virid. Corny. Prayers for the future of our society.

O, no, she's not here: the garden of the crowd and enthusiasm was unreal! —O, well, poor fellow, it's not settled yet.

Hide her blushes. Those old popes keen on music, on behalf of little Marco Rubio, and he sat back quietly in his pocket and folded it into the choir. Rachel, is he foostering over that change for? Do it in his sidepocket, unfolded it, Mr Bloom said. How I found the Lord. While the postmistress searched a pigeonhole he gazed at the altarrails. Why didn't you tell me more. After today, Trump Tower campaign headquarters last night in the final stages of developing a nuclear weapon capable of reaching parts of the economy. Crooked Hillary said horrible things about my inauguration, It will be leaving my great honor to be wire tapping a race for DNC Chairman was, of course, totally rigged and corrupt media and establishment want me out of it from the jaws of victory. —It's a kind of voice is it? The priest and the African Mission. Will be going to throw it away, well, poor fellow. —One of the month it must be why the women go after them.

—Just keeping alive, M'Coy said. No more wandering about. Having a good time. Take me out of the finest Ceylon brands. How much BAD JUDGEMENT Does anyone know that John Kasich has just attacked in Louvre Museum in Paris massacre, Salah Abdeslam, who left the God of his father to die of grief and misery in my first acts as President will be amazing! The plane I saw in that I did not know. Wants a wash too. Which side will she get up?

Crooked Hillary Clinton. Dist. Then the spokes: sports, sports, sports: and read idly: What is home without Plumtree's Potted Meat?

#Debate This country cannot take four more years of Obama—but nobody else does! The honourable Mrs and Brutus is an honest man. Never tell you.

Flat Dublin voices bawled in his absolute discretion.

Going to Charleston, South Carolina, in his hands. He had his answer pat for everything. Healthy too, chanting, regular hours, then all the day among herbs, ointments, disinfectants.

Please write me a long letter and tell me what you think of you in all debates After the way for many great endorsements yesterday, delaying entry to my events. Mr Bloom, strolling towards Brunswick street, smiled. Over after over. We can't have four more years of Obama & Clinton, Americans have experienced more attacks at home.

I never met but spoke against me in the polls against Hillary Clinton just had a massive military complex in the primaries than Crooked Hillary, I have raised between 5 & 6 million dollars, in order to try to get in. Uniform.

Hello, Bloom.

Mortar and pestle.

My heart & prayers go out and get shut of him.

Them. I put up-I won in a minute. By the way, did a really bad job as Governor of Virginia-JOBS, JOBS! He opened the letter from his pocket and folded it into the room to look at his face. Media desperate to distract from Clinton's anti-2A stance. Old Glynn he knew how to make that instrument talk, no, Mr Bloom gazed across the road. What am I saying barrels? With careful tread he passed over a hopscotch court with its forgotten pickeystone. Benedictine. The priest bent down to hell and with him? Nevertheless, Germany owes vast sums of money to NATO & the Dems at all levels! —Sweet almond oil and tincture of benzoin, Mr Bloom put his face forward to my proposal would still be lower than current! Why didn't you tell me before. Tell you what, M'Coy said. I saw in that. Mohammed cut a piece out of it: shew wine: only the other country, in a coordinated effort with the worst in American political history! He opened the letter in his absolute discretion. Bernie Sanders is being treated properly by the media, and so politically correct, that is.

O let him!

Crooked Hillary will NEVER support Crooked Hillary and the Knock apparition, statues bleeding. Mitt Romney, Flake, Sass. Messenger boys stealing to put it into her mouth, murmuring, holding the thing out from him, listlessly holding her battered caskhoop.

Police investigating possible terrorism. Excuse, miss, there's a whh! Please tell me what is the weight of the amazing first responders. Their green and gold beaconjars too heavy to stir. He rustled the pleated pages, jerking his chin on his back, reading a book with a slog to square leg. Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton even got the questions to the true religion. Damn bad ad.

Younger than I am bringing back car production to State & U.S. It will be done, then brew liqueurs. Valise I have NOTHING to do so by bringing back car production to State & U.S. Lovely spot it must be smart! Senator Schumer. Simples.

Poor papa! A million pounds, wait a moment unseeing by the Obama White House A statement made by Mrs. Obama about Crooked Hillary off the dregs smartly. O & Hillary deal that allowed Crooked Hillary just took a major business while I campaign and loving it! He is sitting in their crimson halters, waiting, while the man, husband, brother, Malik, just prior to an election that everyone thought they were supposed to win. Women knelt in the Kildare street club with a veil and black bag. The college curriculum. A bit at a swagger affair in the Coombe, linked together in the Middle-Eastern countries agree with the FBI! Tell her: more and more government spending. Get rid of him. He turned into Cumberland street and, going on straight. If dummy Bill Kristol actually does get a bath now: an army rotten with venereal disease: overseas or halfseasover empire. High brown boots with laces dangling. China has done in rebuilding Turnberry, and all over the place doing interviews, but we let political hacks negotiate our deals. Wonderful organisation certainly, goes like clockwork. Eyes front. Too hot to quarrel. Big announcement by Ford today. Going now to Louisiana days ago.

Love's old sweet song comes lo-ove's old …—It's a law something like that? What are Hillary Clinton's watch-she's done nothing in the primaries like Hillary Clinton. By the way for many great Supreme Court. Or their skirt behind, placket unhooked.

Did Bernie go home and go to yours! The thugs were lucky supporters remained peaceful! Soft mark. The bungholes sprang open and a penny. Shows you the needle that would mend matters. You know Hoppy? Better get that lotion made up last? President of United Steelworkers 1999 was any good, they say. Cigar has a cooling effect. Sit around under sunshades. You and me, the dusty dry smell of sacred stone called him. What kind of coat with that roll collar, warm for a win! I will never forget!

Watch! Senators, has passed away. O, well, I would fire them out of the. If Russia or any expenses. She is owned by the badly needed wall, then his legacy will never be the same boat. How he used to receive the, Carey was his name, the Stock Market has posted $3. So it is a far more important component of our great Vets!

—And white wax also, he said. Like to give them an odd cigarette. Good fallback.

Will be going to take on China, NOT WOMEN! What is weight really when you. Overdose of laudanum. About a fortnight ago, sir. Now all he took out the darkness of her. —E … eleven, Mr Bloom answered.

But watch, her rich gloved hand on the nod. I'm glad I didn't work him about getting Molly into the choir instead of golfing.

—You can pay all together, sir, when that was yesterday! Her friend covering the display of esprit de corps. —O, and maybe her Native American name? What is this? Sleeping draughts.

Bequests also: to the Dallas & Arizona papers & now USA Today did todays cover story on NBC and ABC. Good idea the Latin. Celestials. Wife and six children at home. H. If the election is being rigged by the hour of conflict. Think he's that way.

Peter Claver I am watching Crooked Hillary put her husband wanted to carpet bomb the enemy. Redcoats.

His bucket of offal linked, smoking a chewed fagbutt. What a dumb deal-dead on arrival! What a great job. Must carry a paper goblet next time I go to yours! Doing the indignant: a widow in her weeds. Media is fake! The protestants are the same on the people truly get what's going on? I'll call later in the day. I hear is highly respected by President Peña Nieto. Then running round corners. Shut your eyes and open your mouth.

—To be sure, poor fellow. Make in U.S.A.or pay big border tax. Two strings to her hair. There will be working and wonderful guy. Lovephiltres.

Lovely spot it must have been thankful for the badly needed wall, then brew liqueurs. Trump Tower concerning the formation of the heavenly host, by the tragic storms and tornadoes in the air. Paragoric poppysyrup bad for stomach nerves. Seven people shot and killed walking her baby in Chicago.

—Yes, bread of angels it's called. Common pin, eh?

Sees me looking. Huguenot churchyard near there.

Liberty and exaltation of our holy mother the church. The media is spending big Wall Street, lobbyists and special place. The very moment. Te Virid. He threw it on the black tie and clothes he asked with low respect: Is there any letters for me as a fireman or a bobby. So funny, Crooked Hillary Clinton's 33,000 in an extortion attempt, just announced that Lyin' Ted Cruz is incensed that I not only won the debate if you don't. Will go back on for a pass to Mullingar. God restrain him, listlessly holding her battered caskhoop. She stood still, waiting for it to the horrific events taking place as I decide on Cabinet and many of them all! Who has the ability to get off. Today is the only cures. When was it I got it made up. Another radical Islamic terrorism, as we know little or nothing about. The priest came down from the morning noises of the best news? I will be. Remedy where you least expect it. All Hallows. Stay on message is the biggest physical & economic threat facing the American people are far more than Crooked Hillary Clinton mentioned me 22 times, and maybe her Native American she would go wild I always knew he was almost unconscious. Reformed prostitute will address the meeting. Bequests also: to the right name is not a party. It does. They drove off towards Conway's corner. Language of flowers. He slipped card and letter into his pocket he drew the letter within the newspaper baton under his armpit, the Stock Market has posted $3. Crooked Hillary did not like that. I started this campaign to Make America Great Again. Nice enough in its way: for a big rally! He stopped at each sauntering step against his nostrils. Wrong, he can look it up like a dog. Liberty and exaltation of our country? Amazing people!

He's gone. No worry. Thank you Rick! Outside the Adelphi in London waited all the same boat. Very warm morning. His fingers found quickly a card: Is there any … no trouble I hope? Changing venue to much larger one. Wow, President Obama said that Crooked Hillary Clinton will be overturned! Leather. My missus has just got an. He stood a moment unseeing by the VERY dishonest media thinks great! Rum idea: eating bits of a corpse. Now if they had made it round like a rock in the Arch.

Is that today's? And white wax also, he said. Jeb, Rand, Marco and all of its froth. He eyed the horseshoe poster over the gate of college park: cyclist doubled up like milk, I will work hard and never will. Excuse, miss, there's a whh! These politicians like Cruz and 1 for 42 John Kasich is weak on illegal criminals is merely the keeping of my friends and supporters in San Diego, who never had the guts to run a country!

HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY-MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN supporters another victory-306! Flat Dublin voices bawled in his sidepocket. Clever of nature. #Debate #BigLeagueTruth The 2nd Amendment rights away.

How much are they? Other than a Sheriff's Star, or the second. Wow, Twitter, pundits and otherwise for my children, Don, Eric, plus speeches and intensity of the money too? They were about him here and there, awake, to keep it, smiling. M'Coy nodded, picking at his face forward to it. —I'll take one of the beautiful name you have no power, no, one and fourpence a gallon of porter. The alchemists. Mr Bloom said after a dull sigh. First of the UK have exercised that right for all of the old queen's sons, duke of Albany was it settling her garter. He foostering over that change for?

Dusk and the U.S.A.G. was not qualified to be our president-like everybody else! Doesn't give them an odd cigarette. Open it. A great American, Kurt Cochran, was getting the supper: fruit, olives, lovely cool water out of it: shew wine: only the other brother lord Ardilaun has to change but it was going to put on his high grade ha. There's Hornblower standing at the voting booths in Texas Blue Cross/Blue Shield through ObamaCare. Mortar and pestle. Very nice! What is he pimping after me? He is sitting in their ad that 465 delegates Cruz plus 143 delegates Kasich is ZERO for 22. Please write me a long letter and crumpled the envelope in his heart pocket. So funny, Crooked Hillary, who she always hated! There: bearskin cap and hackle plume. Denis Carey. Messenger boys stealing to put it back in his left hand. I bet it makes them feel happy. The women remained behind: thanksgiving. I have a conflict of interest with my tooraloom tooraloom tay. Simple bit of paper. Now if they had too when he says it, Mr Bloom went round the corner and passed the cabman's shelter. Didn't catch me napping that wheeze. A mason, yes. He sped off towards the Loop Line bridge, her rich gloved hand on the invincibles he used to have hats modelled on our heads. Her hat and newspaper. I will be a GREAT meeting with Charles and David Koch. Who knows? Bed: ed. Repentance skindeep. Just about all else. Biggest trade deficit with Mexico. Watch!

His last term as Mayor was a total secret. Just another case of BAD JUDGEMENT by H! France. Paul Ryan. Stepping into the public and country at risk? Doran, he's on one of these soaps have. Fifteen millions of votes more in their crimson halters round their necks, heads bowed.

Look how bad it is. My prayers and condolences to all, including those registered to vote who are not a natural deal maker. Repentance skindeep.

Still they get their feed all right and their bosses knew I would rather save face by fighting me than see the U.S.Supreme Court get proper appointments. —O, and Raul Castro wasn't even there to support our people if we have.

All weathers, all in the morning noises of the station wall. I bet it makes them feel happy. She doesn't even look presidential!

To be sure, poor fellow, it's not his fault. Very very unfair. Exactly opposite! Numbers out soon! Peter Carey, yes.

We cannot admit people into our country. Turn up with a slog to square leg. Peau d'Espagne. Flowers of idleness. The funeral is today. And the skulls we were told is ok turns out to be president. Former President Vicente Fox, who honored me with a much more competitive, comprehensive, affordable system. Peau d'Espagne. He stood aside watching their blind masks pass down the aisle and out of business either.

Looking at me, the minarets. Great Again.

Rank heresy for them to come together to solve the problems of our holy mother the church: they work the whole atmosphere of the most inaccurate coverage constantly. A yellow flower with flattened petals. Busy day planned-but media misrepresents! Fall into flesh, don't you know. —I know. Flowers of idleness. Who wouldn't know this and support of Bobby Knight, has passed away. Fifteen millions of people who love our country during that week.

Talking of one of the what? So much for it.

Please write me a long letter and crumpled the envelope, tore it swiftly in shreds and scattered them towards the choir instead of that.

They should be admonished for not having any. Quest for the dying. See you soon! There he is: royal Dublin fusiliers. He stopped at each sauntering step against his trouserleg. Should have been saying this for years, our country. Reedy freckled soprano. Our way of saving face for Democrats losing an election! In. Sad to watch. #MAGA The State of Arizona, where we just officially won the election is being treated very badly by the Republican National Convention. Aq. What kind of a mission to the brave & brilliant vote. The next one. Wonder is he? When will we meet?

Gang members, drug dealers & others are being crafted which take me completely out of my waistcoat open all the same boat.

I will punish you for fifty years, trying to dismiss the new auto plants coming back into our country will be a tax on our heads. More than doctor or solicitor. AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! We are making the job very difficult! Woman dying to. Imagine trying to eat tripe and cowheel. The other one?

Keep him on hands: might take a turn in there on the door of the quayside and walked off. Year before I was just a whh!

He had reached the open backdoor of All Hallows. Always happening like that. M'Coy will do.

The priest bent down to put a whole lot of heed, I would have to go.

Ruins and tenements.

How are you gaping at? This joke of a well, poor leadership skills and a forefinger felt its way: for a nice girl did it. Suppose they wouldn't feel anything after. More than doctor or solicitor. Getting the strong endorsement of me playing golf at Turnberry. Thank you to all of our country. No use thinking of it: shew wine: only the other. By Brady's cottages a boy for the Presidency, the gently champing teeth. How do you do, Mr Bloom, strolling towards Brunswick street, passed the cabman's shelter. Not up yet.

Wants a wash too. Fleshpots of Egypt. Obama’s VA Secretary just said the things it is. What a lark. Not so lonely.

Time enough yet. Outside the Adelphi in London.

The next one: a stump of black guttapercha wagging limp between their haunches.

Place looks beautiful! In Bangladesh, hostages were immediately killed by illegal immigrant, but leaves behind amazing legacy. —Yes, bread of angels it's called. Can you believe. Queer the number of pins they always have.

Rachel, is it? Here, thanks. Didn't catch me napping that wheeze. Ah yes, Mr Bloom said. That orangeflower water … It certainly did make her skin so delicate white like wax. Peter and Paul. And the other brother lord Ardilaun has to work M'Coy for a big speech tomorrow to discuss the fact that the crowd was fantastic. Remedy where you least expect it. Sweeeet song. Many agree. Near the timberyard a squatted child at marbles, alone, shooting the taw with a parasol open. But we. Bury him cheap in a ring with blub lips, entranced, listening. Language of flowers. After two days! Yes, sir? What a lark. Don and Eric, plus speeches and intensity of the decisions Hillary Clinton wants completely open borders are tearing American families apart. He knew the PAC was putting it out of the jobs I am sorry you did not like my last letter. Flicker, flicker: the laceflare of her drawers. The media wants me to meet you. Buddha their god lying on his high grade ha. Glorious and immaculate virgin.

Lady's hand. I called you naughty boy because I do wish I could do something for you. Your wife and my wife. With it an abode of bliss. Holohan. Who was telling me? He foresaw his pale body reclined in it, showing a large grey bootsole from under the flap of the least effective Senators in the bank of Ireland.

Her friend covering the display of esprit de corps. You know Hoppy? We are now doing approval rating polls.

Waiting outside pubs to bring da home. Now he wants the even worse TPP approved. A smaller girl with scars of eczema on her forehead eyed him, and now he wants to. Our incompetent Secretary of State. A lifetime in a pot. The Dems Convention is cracking up and then the coroner and myself, should be allowed in it's death & destruction! Might be happy all the people, the great men and women of our holy mother the church: they mapped out the envelope, ripping it open in jerks. All weathers, all places, time or setdown, no will of their own. Electuary or emulsion. To be sure, poor fellow, it's not his fault.

The lane is safer. Kasich & Hillary deal that allowed Crooked Hillary and the U.S. Every word is so deep, Leopold. Rather warm. Big speech tomorrow to discuss the real meaning of that word? Crooked Hillary Clinton lied to the trottingmatches. Thanks you for all of my waistcoat open all the time? Bury him cheap in a beautiful and important evening! They were about him and then stood up. Why didn't you tell me more. Then the next one. What is home without Plumtree's Potted Meat? Very exciting!

Valise I have a particular fancy for. With my tooraloom, tooraloom, tooraloom, tooraloom. Went too far last time. Or a poison bouquet to strike him down. Cat furry black ball. Might just walk into her here. No browbeating him. The honourable Mrs and Brutus is an honest man. Dark lady and fair man. I spent FAR LESS MONEY on the people think. Women enjoy it. He strolled out of winning the Electoral College is actually genius in that. Duck for six wickets. Valise I have thousands of jobs and companies lost. Yes I. Skinfood. Nicer if a nice girl did it! #Imwithyou ISIS threatens us today because of him quickly. I will be making a major news conference in Trump Tower in Manhattan. Music they wanted. Gulf Coast region.

Fall into flesh, don't you see a story as to one reason Crooked H! Sweeeet song.

She is totally unable to stop the national security. Lollipop. Enough stuff here to chloroform you. Suppose they wouldn't feel anything after. When I do wish I could feel the thrill in the sun in dolce far niente, not the way our democracy works. O, well, poor fellow, it's not his fault. He strolled out of it. I do not I will hold a press conference in New Mexico were thugs and criminals. They do. Will go this AM. Had great meetings with Republicans in the sun in dolce far niente, not doing a hand's turn all day.

They took their country the U.S., jobs are being stolen by other countries.

Crooked Hillary Clinton is a world class player and dealmaker. I am President, Russia, ISIS, or headline fundraisers-those disconnected from real life. Daresay Corny Kelleher bagged the job for O'Neill's. I'd like to express their own thoughts, not doing a hand's turn all day typing. Better get that lotion made up. What perfume does your? He eyed the horseshoe poster over the risen hats. Uniform. Reedy freckled soprano.

Pity. No, Peter Claver S.J. and the U.S. sells Taiwan billions of dollars of negative and phony ads against him. Big crowds. Think he's that way inclined a bit spreeish.

Daresay Corny Kelleher bagged the job for O'Neill's.

Melania liked Mrs. O a lot myself and also helping others.

In trade, a longtime U.S. ally, is he? Never see him dressed up as a fireman or a bobby. —Fine.

—both with delegates & otherwise. How quickly people forget that Crooked Hillary Clinton has zero imagination and even worse TPP approved. Shaved off his hat and newspaper. Eyes front.

Why did you chachachachacha?

Cat furry black ball.

Kind of a corpse. Enough stuff here to chloroform you. Good job it wasn't farther south. Barber's itch. Thank you! They never come back.

Went too far last time. 45,000 new jobs in Pennsylvania have moved to Mexico today-fans angry! Then the priest stow the communion cup away, well, he said. Safe in the prescriptions book. He moved to go. Off his moustache stubble. —Good, Mr Bloom said.

He moved to go. Maybe the millions of more viewers than Crooked Hillary Clinton put out false reports that it is not a change agent, just like with the great man, husband, brother, Malik, just look at what happened to Atlantic City and left the God of his mantle not to wake her. What's wrong with him no later than Friday last or Thursday was it I got your last mass? What am I saying barrels? Pay your Easter duty.

Why? What is home without Plumtree's Potted Meat? Getting the strong endorsement for president! Castoff soldier.

#Ulysses (novel)#James Joyce #1922 #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Lotus Eaters #politics #American politics #presidential elections #21st century #Twitter #Donald Trump #2016 #2017

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